#I currently live in my great grandmas old house

[trickstarbrave]

Å du er Norsk?!

I... Actually really like Norwegian food and as a US American I get made fun of for liking canned, salted, and pickled herring. Not all kipper snacks are good, obviously, Because some brands taste different, but overall-

(Granted, I haven't tried the fermented stuff that I know is a thing in both Norway and Sweden. I know surstroming? Smells gods awful though)

Also: ...

brown cheese is just *chef's kiss*

My family is Norwegian but I grew up in the sewer so strong fishy smells make me feel sick. I can’t stomach the strong smelling pickled fish or tasted the salted fish. I’ve tried getting better at it but it’s a struggle to find fish I can eat.

I also don’t like black licorice but I feel that’s a normal thing in America to dislike. I was tricked into eating salted licorice TWICE as a child. The fucking gall of my family. Now I even hate fennel (which I’m also part Italian so. Struggle there)

[historicalbeauties]

Amy Appelhans Gubser could see the Farallon Islands from her house on clear days, and would always joke with her husband that she could swim there.

5 years ago, the nurse and grandmother who lives in Pacifica started to work on this crazy idea. Gubser sought out open-water swimming mentors for guidance and even got resources through the Marathon Swimming Federation, yet things never lined up until this year.

On May 11, in 17 hours, 3 minutes, she finally made her vision come true and completed the 29.6-mile swim from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Farallon Islands.

Gubser has been around the ocean since she was 10 years old. She became an ocean lifeguard in high school and college, and also swam at the University of Michigan, yet after graduation didn’t get back into the water for 24 years.

When Gubser finally did return, she was doing more open-water swimming, for instance, swims across Lake Tahoe and Monterey Bay. The woman would always see the Farallon Islands from her house and would dream about one day swimming there.

The outbound route to the Farallon Islands is known for going against the currents, and only 5 people had previously completed the trek in the inbound direction, from the Farallons to the Golden Gate. According to the Marathon Swimmers Foundation, Gubser is the only one to complete that specific route without a wetsuit. Before her, two men successfully completed the swim in 2014, and there were also 3 recorded failures between 2012 and 2015.

The location is also known for white sharks. “The elephant in the room is white sharks, and they were in the back of my mind at all times during the swim. We didn’t take the shark thing lightly – I had a savvy crew that kept watch for them from a boat and kayak. They were ready to jump into the water to help me if I needed, but we had no shark sightings the whole time,” said Gubser. Fortunately, during the journey, she encountered several seals yet no sharks.

Another obstacle was the water temperature. She had trained to swim in cold water, but the water got as cold as 46 degrees Fahrenheit that day and it was something the woman didn’t expect and wasn’t ready for. A wetsuit probably would have helped here, but no matter the warmth and added buoyancy, she wasn’t wearing it.

“Wetsuits are a great piece of equipment, especially for people that are starting out in open water. But I follow the Marathon Swim Federation rules and the open water swim world rules that, for the last 150 years, have been the same. Which is a swimsuit, a cap, some form of goggles, earplugs and a nose clip,” explained Gubser. “When you wear a wetsuit your skin rubs against the material, and the last thing that I really wanted was for my skin to bleed near a shark island.”

The 55-year-old grandmother of two with a third on the way was very happy about her accomplishment when, no matter all the challenges, including intense fog in the Pacific Ocean all along the way, she finally reached the Farallon Islands at around 8:30 p.m. that night.

“For 17 hours, I had no idea where I was, what was going on. I had a thought bubble around me that only allowed us to see 100 meters in any direction. I went into a meditative state. There were some 30-minute time intervals that passed very quickly. Others seemed like they were 300 hours,” she explained.

“My whole family is so relieved, because I have been talking about this thing for five years, and my husband will be the first to tell you he’s just grateful it’s done,” shared Gubser. “I hope this story inspires somebody to not be challenged by a number [like] their age or their weight. I mean, all of my body got me across that. That’s pretty impressive.”

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 08

PREVIOUS

FF knows that it might be possible to get a new flight and that the excuse of “Oh I found a flight so I could go spend the holiday with my Gran” would probably be unassailable even tot he great unknown of Andrew Minyard’s displeasure (FF has not yet figured out when the pin will drop and Andrew will come at him. The man is a stone wall but FF knows that Andrew doesn’t like him and that knowledge is confirmed every time Andrew and Captain Neil come into Nicky’s dorm and find FF there hanging out with Nicky and he sees both Andrew and Captain Neil frown at him.)

It’s just that it takes 7-10 business days for him to build up the nerve to have to call someone and deal with customer service and it would take more bravery than he currently has to press forward and actually get a flight that would WORK. He has a very limited window for when he can get to Washington. HIs Gran had called a friend to borrow a car to pick him up and that was only available during a 6 hour window on his arrival date.

He COULD get a taxi to his Gran’s house but… (“What if I get kidnapped, what if I get trafficked, how do I tell a normal taxi from a taxi that will take me to a place where I’ll wake up in an ice bath and down a kidney, what if the taxi driver doesn’t like me, what if the taxi driver wants to talk, I don’t have anything interesting to say! What if he says mean things about me in his native language on the phone and I have to pretend that I don’t know what he’s SAYING?)… he’d probably die during the hour long ride from the anxiety.

He tells his Gran and she promises to get a pie out to him A.S.A.P.

It almost makes him feel better until he remembers what he had agreed to when Andrew came at him at his WEAKEST MOMENT to get him to agree to spend an entire four days at the house in Columbia he has HEARD stories about.

FF, laying face down on the floor in Nicky’s dorm as Nicky pats his back: Nicky next time you see me about to agree to something that will result in me getting killed I NEED you to run up and just punch me in the jaw. I’m begging you. You know I’m a disaster.

Nicky thinking about how Andrew has gotten weirdly protective of FF since the whole step brother incident: I need you to understand that that will result in ME being killed which I am not a big fan of.

FF misunderstanding: My grandma’s not THAT strong Nicky. At most grandmothers from across the country will frown disapprovingly at you.

Nicky thinking about all the little old ladies who dote on FF for inexplicable reasons and how some of them know he’s FF’s friend and give Nicky the grandma experience he had lacked growing up: Somehow that’s even worse than what I was thinking :(

***

Nicky coming to check on FF hours later: Are…are you watching the Saw movies?

FF taking copious notes: I need to prepare myself to survive Columbia. Do you have a basement or will Andrew be moving me to a secondary location?

Nicky walking over and shutting off the TV: I think it’s time to go to bed champ.

FF: If I don’t sleep then Andrew can’t drag me to a secondary location. I bought a 20 pack of five hour energy because that is the most the CVS would sell me.

Nicky: They cut you off??

FF: Yeah the manager there said he’d sell it as a ‘favor’ to a ‘loyal customer’ but to destroy my receipt and I had to buy in cash in case I die from a heart attack so it’s not linked to them. So if I play my cards right I have around 4 days of energy right here. I have looked up all the foods that can make you sleepy and will be avoiding them to stack the deck.

Nicky guiding FF towards his bedroom: Y’know that includes turkey. Also those five hour energy shots will be murder on your tummy. :(

FF: I am willing to make some sacrifices so I can live to see 19 Nicky. Also I figure I can just drink an entire bottle of Pepto per bottle of five hour energy resulting in a net neutral situation in my stomach.

Nicky tucking FF into bed carefully: Or result in you going to the hospital for an overdose get some sleep Smith. Andrew is not planning on killing you.

FF already falling asleep because his stress energy is running out: You have no idea how much he dislikes me and how much pepto my body can handle but you’re right about going to sleep. I’ll need my strength to power through the reverse bear trap let alone a laser collar.

***

2 of Grandma Smith’s apple pies arrive in the early afternoon of Thanksgiving via a little old lady turning up at Abby’s house who is a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of Grandma Smith. The Foxes take a moment to marvel that somehow it is still warm despite apparently having been Granny expressed across the country despite the storm.

The delivering old lady pinches FF’s cheek and says not to be too disheartened and that his Grandma loves him and will see him for Christmas Break for SURE. She hands him a little note his Gran sent with the pies and he pointedly does not read it there.

This would make FF happy if he hadn’t been swearing up down left and right that he didn’t TALK to his grandma to Andrew whose eyes he can FEEL on him.

He manages a “THANKS.” In a perfectly normal tone. He has no memory that he already told Andrew and Captain Neil that he was spending the holiday with his grandma since he had blue screened at the offer last time and had rebooted in safe mode to power walk away from the situation.

“Your grandma is really nice.” Captain Neil says. “Those pies look good.”

FF, his anxiety momentarily overridden by a soul-deep love for his grandma, “My gran is the BEST and so are her pies.” And then he hears what he has said and walks back into Abby’s house to set out one pie for everyone else and goes and stress eats the second one on the living room couch after he promised Abby he’d clean up any mess.

He wonders if he’ll make it to Christmas Break as he sees Kevin Day staring at him in abject horror while Andrew stares straight at him.

Even with the attention on him he decides to check the note the other granny had given him from his Gran. It is in her native polish so he feels his shoulders relax since no one would be able to read it.

‘For my little Chicken, this isn’t your last meal like you texted me. I know you will be fine. I am thankful for you in my life every day.’

He tucks the note in his pocket and feels a little better.

NEXT

Per your requests:

@i-have-three-feelings @blep-23 @dreamerking27 @andreilsmyreligion @belodensetdust @rainbowpineapplebottle @yarn-ace @iwouldlikesometea @lily-s-world @obscureshipsandchips @booklover242 @whataboutmyfries @sahturnos

[unnervinglyferal]

My old friend and ex-roommate came over yesterday. Neither of them is scared of new people but they were both awkward at first. My old roommate hadn't been to the apartment since the group home folks had helped us move, and he had never met my daughter. His first words at the sight of her were "oh fuck it's alive." My girlfriend's great-grandma asked them whether they'd like to hold the baby, but both the two of them and Bug looked at each other in a way that made it clear that none of them want that. They don't want to hold a baby and Stinkbug didn't want to be held by them either.

After a while of chatting while standing around the apartment, my old roommate admitted with some embarrassment that he had completely misread the nature of this visit and had a backpack full of beers for this. My girlfriend immediately informed them that if we're going to drink, we'd better be doing that outside. The family matriarch agreed, it's a nice weather out there. I told them both that I'm not going to drink, though it's all fine if they will. My old friend offered to go pick me a case of something else to drink if I'd like. Diet coke would be fine - that's enough of a rare treat.

So we sat outside on the yard bench swing and talked, catching up on what both of them are doing now and sharing stories of what my time before the group home had been with my old friend, and how times at the group home were with my old roommate. I think it was good to have them both here at the same table - I don't think either one would have believed a half of the other side's stories without an eyewitness to back it up.

I didn't smoke but out of old habit I rolled cigarettes for them - my old friend had a pack of factory smokes but hand-rolled ones are still cheaper, I needed something to occupy my hands, and he promised to pay my roommate back for the tobacco he smoked. It's pretty clear that despite of being a student he's currently the one of us who has the most money.

It was a nice, warm evening and as it went down, my friend and old roommate had pretty much gone through my old roommate's beers, when my friend mentioned that he actually also has some weed. I told them they're free to smoke it somewhere else but they are absolutely fucking not doing anything that will summon cops on the front yard of the house where my family is sleeping. My old friend was baffled that he'd ever live to hear me say shit like that, but the way he laughed sounded like he's proud.

It was around 9 pm by then, the two of them were out of beers, and it was starting to get cool outside, so we agreed it was best to call it a night while we were still all having a good time. My old friend and ex-roommate had found a lot in common with each other and agreed to carry on to a bar somewhere, and maybe smoke that weed. My old friend mentioned that he knows a guy who gives rides around here for a little fee, who might be on call tonight. My ex-roommate said he knows one as well, and for shits and giggles they decided to text their own car guy at the same time and see which one responds first.

Within the same minute, they both got a text - almost identical one - asking if they'd be down to share a ride with someone else who's around the same area. It turns out they knew the same damn guy. I sat with them until their ride showed up - I had never seen this guy before, myself - and headed inside.

I put all the clothes I had on straight to the wash before taking a shower and going to bed next to my girlfriend. She asked me if I'm sober and asked if we had fun, and was back asleep before I could answer the second question. My skin and hair still smell like cigarette smoke, but I can do my best to not bring that outside world in here. My friends are out there in it, but I'm not bringing it home to my family. Their life is out there, mine is in here.

[gatheringbones]

[“Mom rage lives in the body. Fingers curl, cheeks burn, breathing quickens. Similar to road rage, mom rage bubbles up fast and hot. Mom rage is fury—mothers bursting with uncontrollable anger. Its release is often aural and physical: a rhythmic string of high-pitched curses; a booming trombone yell, so growly the mother’s throat is sore the next morning; hands slapping out a sharp beat on her own stinging thighs; a bass drum foot pounding out each word—BRUSH (stomp) YOUR (stomp) TEETH (stomp) NOW (stomp, stomp)!!

As mothers, we know we are supposed to be nurturing, patient, gentle; never rageful. We try to hide our wrath, hold it in, keep it quiet. Sheila, mother to a three-year-old and seven-month-old in Brisbane, Australia, admitted to me in an email, “I often feel the rage and would sometimes just LOVE to stab a mattress into pieces with a very sharp knife.” Sheila used to hide her rage by screaming underwater at her local public pool, but the pandemic robbed her of that covert release. When mom rage takes over, not physically hurting someone is an act of will. Joanna from Portugal told me, “I remember holding [my daughter] and biting down on her fluffy onesie to staunch something worse.”

Those on the receiving end of mom rage are often our children, but not always. The vitriol can be directed at partners, pets, men in general, the system, or everyone around us. Mom rage can also turn inward, manifesting in self-harm: substance abuse, cutting, punching our thighs, slapping our own face, biting the insides of our lips, cheek, tongue—anything that can feel pain. Moms who rage are in pain, even if we don’t know it.

That pain isn’t caused by a child not wanting to brush her teeth, or any of the other daily irritations of parenting. Its foundations go much deeper. Mom rage stems from the overwhelming stress and impossible expectations of modern motherhood, combined with a debilitating lack of support from within the family structure and societal systems.

The sneaky thing about the causes of mom rage is that we can’t see them. In their visual absence, all we see is an angry mom. On the surface, mom rage looks like simple cause and effect: a child drops a jar and it shatters, resulting in the mom yelling, hot-faced and wild. This explanation of mom rage is easy to comprehend—there was an action and then a reaction. Perhaps there are details that complicate the story and make the mother’s strong reaction easier to empathize with. Maybe before this happened, the mother asked the child repeatedly not to play with the jar. Maybe the jar was the mother’s only heirloom from her great-grandmother who escaped the Holocaust. Maybe the mother has a pending work deadline, and Grandma, who was supposed to babysit, just called out with a migraine.

If we imagine mom rage as a house, the cause-and-effect scenario is happening on the main floor—let’s say, in the kitchen, since that is where so much of mothers’ daily domestic work takes place. To fully understand mom rage, we have to leave the kitchen and descend to the basement to uncover what came before. By “before,” I mean what happened the hour or day before the mother screamed at her child, but I also mean history—the mother’s own personal history, and the larger cultural history that shapes the way we live, think, and breathe today. History, identity, social norms, power(lessness), and past trauma, in addition to current societal systems and attitudes, are all at work when a mom balls up her fists and roars at the people around her—often the people she loves most. In the mom rage basement, we locate how a lack of partner support stems from cultural inequalities.”]

minna dubin, from mom rage: the everyday crisis of modern motherhood, 2023

[itwasntimethatdidit40]

Hey there!

I wanted to post that for a while so, here we are.

Wondering who’s behind this blog?

Here’s something about me under the cut:

• I identify as a woman, my pronouns are she/her

• Born and raised in Italy, I still live there.

• I’m 141 LOL but according to people I still look like I’m in my 30s so let me indulge in that, thank you very much.

• I don't think there's anyone who makes me more feral than Joel Miller. I just can’t help it. My (un)holy Pedro characters triad is Joel, Oberyn and Peña 💕 (immediately followed by Frankie)

• I have a little elephant pendant that I always wear, no one knows what it's about *wink*

• I’m Leo Sun, Libra Rising and Aries Moon. You scared? I promise I don’t bite, unless explicitly requested 😏

• I’m Bi/Pan as fuck, always been obviously but I realized only last year. LOL, better late than never i guess. I only have problems with cisgender straight white males because I mean… they’re the worst, okay, I don’t make the rules.

• Single, unmarried, not interested in having kids even a little bit, I prefer to be the cool auntie.

• I love cooking and I'm quite good at it, I had good genes from my Italian grandmas 😌

• I can’t function without coffee, especially in the morning. I take my coffee bitter with just a little bit of milk.

• I can’t stand lies, the phrase “oh I didn't tell you so as not to make you suffer” (UGH, no you didn’t tell me ‘cause you’re a fucking coward and that’s it, my friend), misogyny, racism, fascism, homophobia, bi-erasure, any other form of verbal or physical violence towards LGBTQIA+ people, injustice in general, if you are any of the above you are not welcome here or in my life.

• I love dogs. I have a poodle named Brienne after the GOT character, she’s 5 years old so that means she got me through pandemic and she’s my love and joy. Isn’t she adorable? Yes, she is.

• I’m unfortunately allergic to cats (yep, like Pedro) and can’t pet them unless I wish for an asthma attack. That sucks, I know.

• I have deep brown curly hair, brown eyes and I’m short (158 cm).

• I have a lot of freckles, you could go on a treasure hunt following them.

• I’ve been to more than 100 concerts in my life including some festivals abroad.

• I currently listen to Hozier and Chappell Roan on a daily basis. I also love Billie Eilish, used to be a big Muse fan (listen, their first albums were great, okay) plus I’m a sucker for ‘90/‘00 music ‘cause that’s the music I grew up with.

• I love beer more than wine.

• I love reading, I used to read all the time, I have less time to do it now and it bothers me so much. I’m still reading fanfiction though. 🤭

• I’m a sucker for True Crime Podcasts, I only listen to Italian ones for now so unless you’re Italian you don’t know my faves and it’s a pity ‘cause they’re really good.

• Cults scare the shit out of me but at the same time they’re one of the things that makes me more curious ‘cause my mind can’t really comprehend what happens in people’s mind when they get sucked into them.

• Some tv series I love in no particular order: The Last of Us, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Lost, The Handmaid’s Tale, Bojack Horseman, GOT (until seasons 7 & 8 happened 💀), Sense 8, Jane the Virgin, Grace and Frankie, Narcos, Only Murders in the building, The Bear, Succession, The Morning Show, Friends, Stranger Things (mostly because Jim Hopper is there, certainly not for those z*onists, you know), Mad Men, Derry Girls, Gilmore Girls (Luke Danes *cough*), Mindhunter, Peaky Blinders (huge Tommy Shelby’s slut, don’t look at me like that, okay), My Brilliant Friend, The Affair, Black Mirror (until last seasons happened but it used to be one of the greatest things ever), The Walking Dead (got bored halfway through season 9, I recently started a rewatch and I hope to get to the very end of it lol), Fleabag, Normal People, When They See Us, Hill House, Bly Manor, Midnight Mass, Chernobyl.

• Films I love in no particular order: Parasite, Aftersun, Past Lives, All of Us Strangers, Brokeback Mountain, Almost Famous, The Goonies, Stand By Me, The Breakfast Club, The Killing of a Sacred Deer, The Lobster, The Neon Demon, Midsommar, One Day, When Harry Met Sally, There’s still tomorrow, Strange Way of Life, Prospect, The Banshess of Inisherin, Coco, The Emperor’s New Groove (so underrated), Mommy, The Virgin Suicides, Girls Interrupted, Saltburn, Promising Young Woman, Little Women (1994), Gone Girl, Shoplifters, Bin-Jip 3 Iron, Love Me If You Dare, The Piano, Fried Green Tomatoes, Notorious, Some like it Hot, Rear Window and you can ask for my Letterboxd account for more.

• Bad weather makes me sad and melancholy.

• I obviously love Italian cuisine with all my heart but I also love to try new dishes especially when I’m abroad. I love chocolate and I have a sweet tooth in general but there’s nothing I crave more than good carbs (I can be happy with a slice of good bread or focaccia). I love spicy food but I can't handle it when it’s very very spicy.

• I love bags, I have so many bags and I still want more lol

• When I was a kid I wanted to be a writer or a journalist. What do I do now? I’m a secretary LOL (I also have a second job not related to writing as well)

• As a friend, I’m loyal to the bone, I could do anything for you if I love you. If you betray me real bad though don’t expect a second chance, I mean I could try but I know i can’t ‘cause you’re changed forever in my eyes.

• I have so many kinks, you can ask if you want to know, okay. Also, so many authors here are responsible for giving me new ones. I love you deeply.

If you want to know more my asks and dm are open!

Here’s a little bit of me, byeeeee.

[door]

1! 6! 11! 25! 26! 33! 41! 42! 48! 52! 54! 69! hoo boy that's a lot. also how's 30s

hi! oh wow that is a lot. enjoy??? (for the 30s ask meme)

gonna answer the last thing first because honestly i've loved my 30s, and since i'm going into my final year of them it seems apt to reflect. i figured out i was queer like a month before i turned 30, so my 30s have been about queerness and community, about taking risks on things that previously i thought i were too old for. i moved cities and careers, i got a masters degree, i found sooooo much friendship and interests and hobbies and got every single one of my tattoos. i am more myself now than i have ever been before. i used to joke that i had been waiting my whole life to turn 30, but i think that was true actually. getting older rules.

What was the first piece of furniture you bought?

off with a BANG. i think it was probably a knock-off saarinen tulip table i got from craigslist when i was in grad school the first time, long long ago. i think the guy had found the base (which may in fact be genuine) and he built a wooden top for it. it's lovely and i think i paid $100 for it. we don't have room for it in the current house (it's dining room sized, about 5 ft across), so it's hiding in my aunt's basement for now.

6. Most precious thing one of your pets has destroyed?

this wasn't actually one of mine, but my parents' dog punkin. the first and only thing i won at auction was a poster for the 1976 50th anniversary of the 1925 exposition des artes decoratifs (which cemented the art deco style and later contributed its name), and punkin ate it. i can still barely talk about it. looked like this:

11. What’s something you saved up for and then regretted buying?

weirdly the first thing i think of is an inflatable chair i got from kb toys in the mall when i was a kid. i thought that thing was going to change my life. it didn't. i cried. my mom helped me return it.

25. Favorite old person activity?

playing solitaire with real cards. when i was a kid, while the rest of us were rolling in the sand and getting our teeth knocked out by waves at the beach, my grandma would sit inside and play solitaire. one year i joined her. she taught me SO many varieties of solitaire and i remember em all.

26. Would you rather sit on the porch drinking sweet tea or sit by the lake drinking beers?

i don't drink alcohol so sweet tea gets my vote. lake vs porch really depends on the breeze situation, but most likely lake. i love a body of water.

33. What’s something you collect?

edward gorey books, including paperbacks he did covers for. also linda ronstadt records

41. What’s the oldest thing you own?

i don't know! i have a lot of old furniture i inherited or found in thrift stores so i really don't know how old any of that is. it might be a ring that belonged to my great-grandmother. it probably dates to the mid-19th century.

42. What’s an unjustifiably expensive appliance that you really want?

a roomba! which is unjustifiable in part because of the weirdness of our house. but how will we know until we try it!

also: this coffee grinder (unjustifiable because we have a perfectly good one already but this one is red) and this milk pan.

48. If you could build your home from scratch, what outrageous feature would you want to build into it?

A CONSERVATORY!!! i want a glasshouse i want to fill it with plants and enjoy the OUTSIDE while INSIDE. that's the dream.

but also like. so many secret passages.

52. Did your relationship with your parents get better when you stopped living with them?

i think it got worse, actually.

54. Do you decorate your house for holidays? Which ones?

i decorate the yard for halloween (full graveyard babey), but any spooky decorations that go up inside the house usually become permanent. we don't have room for anything more than stockings in the current house, but i put christmas lights up on the porch and around a doorway inside.

69. What are you looking forward to next week?

my paycheck lol

[metamorphosisff]

|Interlude| I. Time on the Couch

[Author’s note: Interludes are not in chronological order as they are scenes that were deleted from chapters.]

Coffee in hand, I made my way into the ten story building that housed Dr. Mitchell’s practice. He had been my therapist for the last two years. While I didn’t come on a weekly basis, I came consistently enough to feel comfortable laying my burdens down in front of him. As a Black man, twenty years my senior, he was old enough to offer advice from life experience and young enough to relate to my current experience. Stepping off of the elevator once it reached the eighth floor, I signed in with his receptionist before being allowed to head straight back. Walking in the office with the floor length windows always brought me a sense of peace. For the next fifty minutes I got the chance to not be supportive or helpful. I could be angry, frustrated, sad, happy, whatever really, and without judgment. It was freeing. 

Dr. Mitchell rounded the large oak desk that was tucked into the right corner of the room to greet me. We dapped one another up before walking over to the open seating area that consisted of an Italian Brown leather couch and two accenting arm chairs. As usual, I took a seat on the couch while he sat beside me on one of the chairs. 

“Xavier, it's good to see you. I was looking over my notes and realized it’s been almost eight weeks,” Dr. Mitchell said. 

“It’s good to see you too,” I said, meaning it. As much as I loved my father, there was only so much that I could say to him. Sometimes he thought lecturing me would solve all of my problems when sometimes all I needed was for him to listen. “And yeah man, I didn’t even mean for that to happen. The last session I had to cancel was because Grandad had been wilding out. He’s usually good with me so my grandma asked for me to come over and in the meantime, I forgot to reschedule.”

Nodding his head he said, “Life does happen, I get it. I take it that the dementia is progressing a bit more.”

A bit was putting it lightly. Granddad got lost in time, couldn’t tell today from the Nixon era. Technology like phones and computers confused him though he worked as an engineer for his whole military career. Easily agitated when he realized he could not recall the names to places, people or things. 

“It’s progressing a lot and making him angry. A part of him, the real him, knows he is losing himself and is trying to fight it the best way he knows how,” I sighed, placing my coffee down so that I could wring out my fingers. 

“I imagine it must be frightening for him, frightening for you all really. How are you dealing with this change?” Dr. Mitchell asked.

I shrugged my shoulders as I eased back onto the couch but he shook his head. “Man, you know I need more than that.”

“I know but it’s like…I haven’t had the time to absorb how I actually feel. Everyone else around me feels so much that they lose focus. I can’t afford to feel because then nothing would get done,” I said. 

“What are the things you have taken on since the diagnosis? I know we touched on you visiting your grandparents home more and running errands for them,” Dr. Mitchell said.

“I had to create a rotating schedule for me and my cousins so someone is always at the house with them. My dad and his siblings sometimes jump in when we can’t but they don’t like to be hands on really. It’s hard for them so they put the onus on us. I deal with the doctors, scheduling appointments, trying to get him into different programs that are funded by the state. Remember, I found a really great living facility he qualified for as a veteran but the whole family pushed back against that idea,” I said with a shake of my head. 

“Yes, your father in particular was really upset as well as a few others,” Dr. Mitchell noted correctly. 

“Yeah, no one was happy, their reactions were some bullshit really. It’s hard for us to be the only ones to deal with Granddad especially when he gets physical. Lately, we haven’t even had our girl cousins around because he bulldozes right over them. When it’s the rest of us, he treats us as a threat. They think I want him to go to the facility so I don’t have to take care of him but it’s like I’m the only one who is. Outside of my grandmother, my cousins will come and go, not sticking to the schedule we all agreed upon. It’s like I’m forced to pick up the slack for so many other grown ass people and still be vigilant enough to look after him. I work two jobs already, I don’t know how much longer I can continue on as one of his main caretakers without growing resentful.”

“It sounds like you might be already and understandably so. That is a lot of responsibility for only one or two people to handle. It truly takes a team effort. Have you tried explaining it again to them from that perspective?” Dr. Mitchell.

Sighing, I shook my head. “I didn’t even get the chance to explain it at all. It turned into a dog pile until I said to forget I ever mentioned it. I’m not a person who likes to argue,” I said.

“I recall from your previous relationship with Mariah but as I reminded you then, being confrontational isn’t always a bad thing. It’s how we protect ourselves, how we establish boundaries, and even how we gain understanding,” Dr. Mitchell said.

Looking out the window, the sun was shining over the city as millions bustled below. I focused on the sound of the moving traffic outside as I mulled over Dr. Mitchell’s words. “I tell my students that,” I chuckled.

“It’s harder to apply when we have to look inward at ourselves,” Dr. Mitchell said. 

“Ain’t that the truth,” I said, as I turned my gaze back to Dr. Mitchell. “It’s not that I can’t be confrontational but when I think that I’m making sense, I don’t feel the need to go out of my way to convince someone else. Especially when they don’t try to hear me out. Open dialogue goes both ways.”

“That it does but in order for dialogue to be open, it has to be effective. If you stop short every time you attempt to get your message out then that’s not open dialogue. It’s stunted dialogue which leaves room for assumption,” Dr. Mitchell said. 

A bar.

He just dropped one with that because I let what my family assumed I wanted override the rest of the conversation. I never got a chance to explain all of the benefits the facility would have for Granddad and us. How it would offer us a lifeline if we were brave enough to reach out and grab it. How maybe whatever time Granddad had with us could be filled with more good memories versus bad ones. 

“You got me with that one,” I said nodding my head as my eyes glanced over to the clock that hung on the wall. “I will consider broaching the subject again with them but since I only have twenty minutes left I need to tell you about this girl I met.”

“I can tell she has to be quite the lady for your eyes to animate the way they just did,” Dr. Mitchell said.

“She’s different. She’s smart. She’s electricity,” I said, as I tried to capture Mila in words. 

We had just got on common ground but the pull I felt towards her was magnetic. Something worth exploring with a clear mind and open heart. 

“Electricity…expound on that for me,” Dr. Mitchell said.

I heard the faint click of his pen as I gathered my thoughts around Mila. “She is bright, yet elusive, always running but never captured. Kind of like lightning if I’m going to continue with this metaphor,” I chuckled, running my hands over my knees. “She can illuminate the darkest of skies, give energy to those around her, and leave one hell of an impression. If you get close enough she’ll either power you or kill you, with her tongue that is. She wields her tongue like a hammer. So maybe she’s Natalie Portman’s Thor if I had to wrap this up.”

Dr. Mitchell had a good laugh and I couldn’t help but join in because I tried my best to explain it but I knew my excitement about her had gotten across all the same. 

“I get what you mean Xavier. She sounds like quite the young lady as well. I’m glad you’ve found someone who has piqued your interest since it has been almost a year since the break up with Mariah. It sounds like you're ready to put yourself back out there.”

“I don’t know about all of that,” I said truthfully, with a shake of my head. “I’m still sorting through my shit with Mariah. It wouldn’t be fair to try and do that while pursuing Jamila romantically. I think I want to be her friend more than anything.”

“That’s fair but don’t close yourself off to the idea of something more. The way you talk about Jamila sounds like there can be room for endless possibilities,” Dr. Mitchell said. 

He was right but I knew in my bones that leading romantically wasn’t what I needed to do or wanted to do when it came to Mila. I wanted to explore her mind, understand how she thought, and appreciate her company.

“I’m not, it’s just not my approach this time around. I feel like I’m supposed to learn something from her,” I said.

“I hope you do. Life is about the connections we make with one another and growing together,” Dr. Mitchell said.

“That’s my philosophy exactly.”

[toomanysurveys9]

Long time, no post.

What did you have for dinner tonight?

Pizza. Jacob went to talk to the Papa John's owner(?) by us to see if he could start sooner.

If you were given a million dollars, what would you spend it on?

Definitely pay off all the debt. Buy a new house for Jake, our kiddos, and I. Buy a house for my parents, so we didn't have to keep living together. Fix our car. Buy Jake a truck. And savings for each of the kiddos.

Have you ever cried in front of your parents over a boyfriend or girlfriend?

I'm sure.

What does your bedroom smell like right now?

Not great - I need to clean it. Pretty sure Nora left a milk cup in there but I can't find it.

Have you ever shaved off your eyebrow before?

I have not.

Do you want to have a boy or girl whenever you have kids?

I have four kids. We have one boy and three girls.

Your pregnant with twins: What do you name them?

I have no idea. I don't want to have anymore kids. Four is more than enough.

Describe your outfit.

Maternity leggings that are now too big and one of Jake's work shirts.

What gigabyte is your memory card?

Don't have one.

What brand is your digital camera?

I just use my phone so I told the camera I did have because we needed the money more.

When was the last time you hung out with your best friend?

A couple weeks ago. Had a baby shower for one of them.

What is a movie you're waiting to see?

I honestly don't even know what's out right now.

Who was the last person to cook something for you?

Whoever made the pizzas from Papa John's.

Do you ever sit and think what if about something?

All the time. It's terrible.

If so, what is it?

So many things. It'd take too long to list but most are bad.

What’s on tv right now?

Jake's playing Rocket League on PS4. I'm waiting until my grandma is allowed to take her meds after I helped my youngest sister do her homework because my mom got pissed at me because she's spying through the ring camera in the dining room and saw I took my 3-year-old and almost 5-month-old up to bed and evidently my grandma then also tried going to bed. And because I didn't feel like fighting my youngest sister about her homework, so I didn't check it.

Do you ever stop and smell the roses?

Not so much.

Where do you download music from?

I use Pandora and Amazon Music.

How many channels do you have on your tv?

Too many. And most of us only use streaming.

What are you most scared of?

Something bad happening to my babies.

If you were given a chance to bring someone back to life, who would you choose?

Justin. He's my cousin that committed suicide.

Do you talk to any of your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend?

Nope.

If so, which one?

None.

What is your mom doing right now?

Probably watching the ring camera and talking shit or complaining to my dad. Because they're in TN right now. And I'm just a big failure that is ruining their vacation and going to make them come home early, which I won't hear the end of for the rest of my life probably. Even though they usually go out of state at least every six months, usually more often. By themselves.

Are you currently listening to music?

Nope.

What is the weather like right now?

45 degrees.

Do you like new music or older music?

Both.

If you could make a law, what would kind of law would you make?

Oof. Where to start with the shit-show that is about to occur in the US in January..

What was the last video game you played?

I don't remember.

What is currently going on in the room you're in right now?

I'm doing this and Jake is playing video games with one of his buddies. I'm about to go to bed when I finish this.

Do you know where your best friend is?

Home. And hospital. My friend in the hospital might be having her baby boy early.

Who was the last person to comment you on Facebook?

I'd have to look but I left my phone upstairs.

What is your display picture of on Facebook?

A picture of Jake, the kiddos, and I from when we went to the apple orchard.

Do you ever sit and think about the past?

Too much. Lately it's been especially bad.

If you could relive any moment in time: what would it be?

Hmm. Has to be one of the times after giving birth to my kids. Like when we went home for the first time. Probably after Olivia since she was our last so we'd have all of our babies.

Are you a talker or a listener?

Listener for sure.

What is one food you will not eat?

I don't do seafood.

Do you eat anything now that you never used to eat?

Lots of stuff. I was super picky before Jacob.

Have you ever kissed the same sex?

On a dare.

When does school start this year?

Whenever I can find a new internship site. Love my life right now.

Do you ever shout for absolutely no reason?

No.

Have you stuck with your new years resolution?

I don't make them.

Do you need to lose any weight right now?

Yeah.

What is something you want right now?

Not have so many extra people living in our house.

Do you hate when you see teachers in stores?

I never cared.

What always puts a smile on your face?

Hugs from my babies. Smiles from them.

Where can I find you on a Saturday night?

At home.

What is the best thing about Sundays?

Nothing really.

What is your music provider (itunes, windows media player)?

Pandora is my preferred if Jake isn't using it. We share his.

How many songs do you have?

A lot.

When was the last time you had a period?

I guess right after I had Olivia if we want to count that. Otherwise it's been over a year.

Why do you think the sky is blue?

Whatever science says..

If you could change the sky to any color, which would you choose?

Maybe a pretty light purple. I don't know. Or just nighttime all the time.

Is there anything wrong with you right now?

My life is a fucking disaster and I feel completely alone. So a lot.

Do you hate when people stare at you?

It makes me uncomfortable, so yes.

[ladymischievous]

Emergency Moving Fund for an Abuse Survivor

I’m Vero, and I am an abuse survivor. I’m looking to move and get my life on track. For most of my life, I’ve been gaslit, neglected, parentified, and traumatized by members of my family. It’s taken years of therapy to come to terms with how bad my situation actually was and still, sometimes it’s hard to accept. I’m not in a good environment. The house I live in is very old and not safe to live in if I’m being honest. It has black mold, it’s slowly rotting and falling apart, and it’s a place of bad memories. I have little support and I can’t stay here. So, I’m reaching out to anyone that may be willing to help.

I’ve had to put my life on hold, to look after my grandma in her final years of life. She was one of my abusers, she could be mean and bitter one moment then sweet and loving the next. I’ve had to watch over and be an emotional crutch to my younger brother. He was a drunk, keeping me up all night, scolding me for needing therapy. He’d say I didn’t need it, that I should rely on him and family only. Once, while he was very drunk, he tried to break into my bedroom. I had locked it but in a drunken rage, not able to get to me, he almost broke through the door and partially tore the frame off the wall. When I begged our mother for help, I was told that “You weren’t afraid, just annoyed. Your brother loves you, he’d never hurt you. He has every right to be drunk in that house.” That’s only scratching the surface of things, but yeah, life wasn’t great.

It’s not easy for me to ask for help, I feel guilty, I feel like I don't deserve it. But I find myself having little choice. Things have been rough lately. My uncle is struggling with his work and I’ve had to go through my savings to make sure the bills are paid. It’s eaten through my moving fund. My family owes me money but I’m likely never going to see it again. So, I’m in trouble.

I’m trying to get together enough money to safely move with a friend of mine who I know I can trust and have a little to get started on living for myself. I work hard at my job, and I’ve put in a lot of work in improving my mental and emotional health. I’ve made a lot of progress but I’m currently stuck.

I’ll admit it, I’m afraid to leave, I’m terrified of leaving the only things I’ve ever known. My hands are shaking as I write this, thinking about the future. But if I want to keep getting better, if I want to survive, I have to let go and move on with my life. I have to take this step but I need help.

If you can spare anything to this Gofundme, I’d greatly appreciate it. If you can’t, I’d be just as grateful if you could spread this around. Thank you for your time.

Gofundme Link:

https://gofund.me/ca27de02

[tamayokny]

there's a TLDR at the end of this post. also sorry if y'all just saw a mass text on your dash for a bit. i put a read more but it glitched. classic tunglr.

so on thursday this week (on 08/15) my family hosted a celebration of life for my grandpa--it would have been his 80th birthday. a lot of people showed up, family included, and it was a good time. we did what grandpa would have wanted and done best: drink, eat, and socialize. (my bio grandma said i was acting just like grandpa LMAO.)

there is some sad stuff, though. one of my great uncles (lets call him d), the baby of the family, is still very torn up over grandpa's death. (we are all, uncle h.) it's so sad bc while the family can be sentimental, i have never seen uncle r so...like that. i mean, we choked up together when we attended a mass for grandpa back on my birthday, but....yeah.

things get a little worse, though. i have two great aunts, and they're both older than grandpa and uncle r. the eldest didn't show up (which i'm kinda salty about ngl), but the younger one (aunt y)....so she and her husband (uncle e) live in florida. they flew up to come to the celebration of life. they're staying with uncle h and his wife and were going to carpool with them. however, aunt y and uncle e had to stay at the house because aunt y had a very bad fainting spell that morning. apparently she's having some health issues (she's 82 years old; it happens) and faints are one of them. however, it gets even worse you guys! she's also having signs of alzheimer's (specifically the memory issue) and she's taking experimental meds for that.

so, grandpa had alzheimer's / dementia / parkinson's and died with it (and i'm sure that contributed to the malnourishment, among other stuff). his older sister is showing signs of it from what great uncle e was telling my uncle. btw, apparently their dad had it too, and he died when he was 85 years old. aunt y is currently 82 years old...so great! not really feeling it you guys.

but christ, it gets worst.

apparently, some of the older relatives have asked my uncle and his wife if we know where some of their mom's things (my great grandma) and other family stuff is at. now, we knew where some things were at from the last time we went to That Place, but who fucking knows. i hope that bitch still has it but she needs to give the family their stuff back. i doubt she will---i really hope she didn't trash it, but if she didn't give the things my dad asked for (which was a bench and small metal toolbox he made for his dad when he went to school)....well, i hope she will give the older relatives that stuff. THAT SHIT IS NOT HERS AND IT BETTER FUCKING NOT GO TO HER DUMBASS FAMILY ONCE SHE CROAKS.

put this bitch in a fucking saw trap PLEASE.

tldr

i took bereavement leave this past week and spent time with family

i found out that one of my great aunts has a poor bill of health and is showing signs of alzheimer's, which is something her brother, their father, and their sister-in-law had. um. that's not good at all haha!

found out the bitch still has family heirlooms that she needs to return to grandpa's siblings. she probably won't do it because she's a fucking cunt.

i'm still torn up over grandpa and will probably never heal even after that cunt dies. like, of course you never get over a death but my family has been robbed of a proper, peaceful bereavement because grandpa married a narcissist.

[moonlightreal]

Witch series books

Let’s read some witch series books!  The library only gave me one new series to add to the older series I had spread all over my floor last week, but it was a great one.

Ruth Chew witch books 1969

This isn’t really a series, though my library has them listed a “matter-of-fact-magic series.” they’re unconnected books with similar themes. Children encounter harmless magical items and have fantastic adventures. If you are a magical being who enjoys childrens’ books, these are a must. I think What the Witch Left was the first one I read.

Witch Saga 1975

Phyllis Reynold’s Naylor’s classic series about a girl’s battle with an evil witch. Lynn believes her neighbor Mrs. Tuggle is a witch, but she’s a kid and nobody believes her. So it’s up to Lynn and her friend Mouse to keep Lynn’s family safe. 

Spell Casters 1998

Eleven year old Sally is surprised when a mysterious girl arrives at her house. It turns out Lucinda is a witch who’d like to live as a normal girl, or at least live away from her strict grandmother! But Grandma doesn’t want to lose her powerful grandchild and sends Lucinda’s nasty cousin to bring her home. The two girls and their friends get into mildly fun witch-at-school escapades. This series isn’t brilliant but it’s a fun little series.

T*Witches 2001

Twins Cam and Alex were separated at birth, because together their magic is immense and the villainous Thantos wants to control them. They meet at age 14 and the fun begins!

My memory of these books is that they were good but a bit bogged down with teen issues and lots of characters-- the girls have the nonmagical friend posse, witchy friends, boys, their parents, and their magical guardians who all get screentime. The magic is rhyming spells and concentration, with no potion recipes or other witch”craft” that I remember. There’s also a whole witchy world with witches at different levels of education. And the girls are as angsty as anyone would be if they just found out they’re adopted witches under threat from a villain. I wanted to love these but found myself getting lost in the details.

There was also a movie. Or two, even.

Magical states of America 2001

John Peel is a wildly prolific author (he also did the Diadem series) but this silly little series is my favorite of his. It’s lighthearted fun.

The premise: there is an alternate America where it’s magic instead of science and everyone is the opposite gender from in this world. Chris in the magic world has become aware of an evil plot and who can he call on for help if not… himself? Chrissie is quite surprised to be pulled into a magic world but soon she’s got a familiar critter of her own and the alternate-universe twins and their friends are off to stop an evil sorceress!

Night Witches 2001

aka The Witch Trade and sequels. Abby is the last child in town after the other kids were kidnapped. A mysterious boy washes up and soon the two of them are swept up in an adventure to find the missing kids and help the Light Witches stop the evil Night Witches from stealing the Ice Dust that gives witches their magic. There are two more books, we get into time travel along with lots of sea travel and wacky characters. This series is “fine” in my book-- it’s not bad but it didn’t grab me. Instead you should pick up:

The Everyday Witch 2002

Beatrice is twelve, and ready to be judged as an Everyday Witch or a much awesome Classical Witch. But the testers can’t decide, so what should they do? Send Beatrice and her friends to break a curse cast by an evil sorcerer of course!

These books are crackerjack! They’re fun to read, funny without being childish, have friendship without friend drama, worldbuilding, goofiness without being too goofy… they are great.

Fortune Tellers Club 2002

Not exactly witches but published by the big witchy publisher Llewellyn, the one wiuth the lil moons on the spine. Most of Llewellyn’s attempts at kids and YA books fall flat in my opinion-- and theirs too, the website’s YA section currently lists 2 books-- but this series works. Juniper and her friends are fans of fortune telling and use different divination methods, some they invent themselves, to figure out their kid issues. Because this is fiction every fortune telling method works perfectly and the girls encounter other mystical events like a ghost and a pair of magic sunglasses. The series isn’t amazingly brilliant but it is a solid good read if you want to inspire yourself to try some divination. Or just, you know, enjoy some books.

Thirteen Witches 2021

Rosie lives a sad life, until she finds herself suddenly able to see the magical world! It turns out that she is the last of the witch hunters, heroes who try to fight the thirteen witches responsible for all the evil in the world. Soon Rosie has found her own good magic and she and her friend Germ set out to save Rosie’s mother and end up on an adventure to destroy all the witches with the help of a ghost, a few other witch hunters, and a tardis whale.

These are very well done. The witches are uniquely evil, the characters are great. I immediately grabbed the second book next time I was at the library.

[mikka-mori13]

This is my first post ever, and I don't quite understand what I'm doing yet, but I really need to vent.

Trigger warning : Threats and Threats of abuse

Also it's fairly long, sorry.

So this story takes place this year(2023) during late winter or early spring. I'm going to explain some background info, and if it's not clear enough to understand feel free to ask for clarification. This is mostly just a vent post, feel free to comment whatever you normally would.

Intro info: my mother is a narcissist. She has always been a narcissist, then she had her accident. At work she broke her arm, and then ever since she was also incredibly entitled and clingy(?) If that's the right term.

My father is currently going through a workmans-comp case and he is physically hurt, and in constant pain. He has weight restrictions and can't climb stuff, the usual.

My grandmother recently had hip surgery and my father(not having anything to do, and feeling pretty useless not being able to work) is staying with my grandmother to take care of her since no one else was willing too.(my family kinda sucks, but that's another story)

So my mother had been calling my father /every day/ for the entire time he was out there. She demanded he come back into town(my grandmother lives in a town like 30 minutes away) to help with random BS like : going shopping with her(because there were things she couldn't lift, things that /my father wasn't supposed to be lifting either/ and that I could have easily got for her if she asked me.) Fixing or replacing lights, setting up porch lights (we didn't need) and other random stuff. She called him to the point that even if he said no half the time, he was still coming into town anywhere from once a week to every other day to even /every day of a week/.

While this was happening, I was working the night shift and trying to live my life basically only on weekends. I would schedule meetups and sleepovers at my friend's house, etc. I, a 18 to 19 year old (female(biology speaking) if you were wondering), was still asking if I could go to my friend's house or if I could hang out, I did this out of respect and because my mother always complained about my siblings going to their grandparents house on weekends without telling her(they went every weekend, it never changed). I also asked her if she could take me to the store or other places I needed rides to since she was the only reason I didn't have my driver's license(she was the one to originally teach me to drive, but she always screamed at me because of her anxiety so I started driving solely with my dad. I made great strides in learning to drive and felt comfortable doing it and could even dive safely on the highway and in town. When getting my driver's license came up she said she 'didn't think I was ready' despite refusing to be in a car with me while I drove.) So when she agreed the next day she said she didn't feel like driving, something was always wrong when I needed a ride somewhere. Sometimes, she sucked it up and took me where I needed to go, and other times, she just refused. I started asking my dad to pick me up if he was in town doing stuff for his mom(he usually was), and he would take me out to my grandma's on the weekend, too. One such occasion of my mother refusing to give me a ride was on New Year's Day. This year, I decided I wanted to try celebrating New Year's Eve with my friend's family. Me and my friend talked for a little bit before they asked if I wanted to stay the night. We got his parents' permission, and then I called my mom. I asked if I could stay the night and that if I did, she didn't have to worry about picking me up at 1 or 2 a.m., and-and and-and she could pick me up the next day. She agreed and said I was an adult and I could make my own decisions. I stayed the night and got a call the next day(New Year's Day) at around 4 or 5 pm from my dad. He said he had called my mom about coming back out that day to spend time together, and she said she was waiting on me to call about being picked up. We assumed she said this so she wouldn't have to go back out. I agreed to call her and ask, I hung up and called my mother. I asked, kindly, if not a little concerned, 'if you wanted to go out to grandma's, because if you do, I can be ready to be picked up if you were wanting to.' She said it was 'just an excuse not to go.' And we exchanged a few sentences before I asked 'ok then when do you want to pick me up?' Her response was basically 'I never agreed to pick you up.' This wasn't the first time this happened, so I just said 'whatever, bye and hung up.'' I called my dad and explained what happened and that I didn't want to be in town for the rest of my holiday weekend. He was used to this and said he was going to pick me up, and he hung up. I called my mom back and said dad was picking me up, and I was staying out at grandma's that weekend. She basically said,'I was /going/ to pick you up!' And I said 'that's not what you /literally/ told me.' We talked a little more, and I hung up, and that was the end of it.

The incident :

My mother and I were visiting my father and grandmother for the day(it was the weekend) and me, my mom, and my dad were just talking. I was sitting on the right side of the backroom couch and my mom was sitting on the left side. Just across from my mom was a desk and a wheelie chair that spins around that my father was sitting in, there was like 5 or six feet between them. At some point during the conversation my mother started nagging my(already depressed) father about how he was useless because he never came to help her when she called him.(as aforementioned, this is not true, he was coming into town anywhere from once a week to every other day to even /every day of a week/.) So she wasn't getting the reaction she wanted from him(I assumed it was him not just immediately agreeing he was a piece of sh*t husband) so she started yelling at him, and even said 'you /never/ come into town when /I/ need help! But then you come at the drop of a hat for [insert my name]!' At that point she dragged my name into the argument and the gloves were off, I wasn't taking any of that BS(I had stayed out of the fight begrudgingly because my father didn't like me getting involved in his problems and didn't want me and my mom to fight over him, even if it was over him and it was more over how she treated everyone) I told her off about how she can't say that when he has dropped everything to come help her when she calls! She tried to talk over me(a tactic she always used because she refused to believe anyone else deserved a chance to speak) and yelled at me for getting myself involved in a conversation that didn't involve me. I said it involved me when she insulated my fathers character and my character! She was getting more passed off by the second. I eventually said 'how many times did dad come to town to take you shopping, just to get you things you can't lift, that he isn't supposed to be lifting, because you refused to ask anyone but him for help? How many times did he come to town to fix something that you broke or that needed to be fixed? How many times did he come to town /just/ to spend time with you, because he loves you?' He had done it so much that there shouldn't have even been any arguments to this but she just looked at me with this (I don't quite know how to describe it) smug frown/glare like she thought that she was so right that it was almost disappointing that anyone disagreed. She made that face and held up her hand in a 0 shape saying that it never happened. At that point I called her a liar and said I was done talking to her because she was impossible to deal with. I stood and took 3 steps away from the couch and tried to walk between my mother and father. I got just in front of my father when my mother stood extremely quickly and tried to tower over me, got in my face and looked so mad that I immediately panicked (I felt like she was going to hurt me) I did something I'm not exactly proud of but I did it out of instinct(it was a fear response) I shoved her like 2 feet back and she fell back on the couch. My mother stood up and my father quickly got between us. My mother started yelling about how she was going to punch me and beat me. I refused to back down. I stared right in her eyes and I didn't care if she tried to hit me, I was filled with adrenaline. I had been in fights before I knew how to throw a punch, just as well as I knew how to take one. if she hit me I knew I was right about her being the monster I thought she was. Eventually she calmed down enough and went to smoke. When she came back in she yelled that I shouldn't have gotten involved with the argument to begin with. I told her I was staying the weekend out at my grandma's and I would see her on Monday. She left and I had a heart to heart with my dad, he said 'she's a narcissist, she won't accept that she is wrong unless she comes to that conclusion on her own' and that's pretty much where we left it.

A few weeks later I had a breakdown(I had a depressive episode) and my mom was telling me that I was being over dramatic because I said I felt like no one actually respected me. I said something along the lines of 'I wish I didn't feel like I want to die every time you yell at me she scoffed and asked when that had ever happened (It happened often, especially when my mom had a bad day) I specifically brought up how she threatened to hurt me, and all she said was 'I should have hit you! You should have minded your own damn business!' That's the last we ever talked about it. We have had plenty of arguments since then and I'm so tired of it and I really needed to vent about it, but I never really got the chance. So I guess, thanks for reading.

[5t0rm2]

I was going through some of my old posts and it's like... I really shouldn't have put a LOT of that out there. But I was a baby autistic with nobody to talk to at the time, I couldn't even talk to my bio mom about it, cus a lot of the shit I went through was because of them. So I did what I thought was best, and screamed into the void.

Now that I'm 20, I realize that wasn't the best course of action. (And by the gods -- that commission pricing when I wasn't even that good at what art I DID do... Yikes)

(if you don't want to read a rambling rant about how my life has been, you can stop here)

I've been living in a different state since the end of April. My mental health has greatly improved from how it was when I was younger. I'm not stuck in that hellhole of a state (Iowa, not sure if I ever said that on here) and Ive been loving it here. I have plans for my 21st birthday. I'm closer to more family than I was when I lived in Iowa. I was only near my bio mom, her mom, and my brother.

But my brother lived three hours away, so I was stuck in the same town as my abusive grandmother. And my own bio mother who didn't seem to realize just how much her mom hurt me. In early 2023, my dad and stepmom had to move out to Iowa, to where my bio mom and I lived. And then my grandpa died. I didn't know him much, but he at least treated me better than my bio mom's mother had ever treated me.

Out here, I'm currently living with my dad, stepmom, and her parents. They're kinda... Stuck in the past. My grandma is a tad racist and a decent chunk homophobic (not that she'd admit either of those things). My grandpa is chill though (although... Still not great with political views... We avoid talking about politics in this house)

We live about a half hour's drive from my aunt (stepmom's sister) and her children (my cousins). It's nice living so close to everyone.

In the time that we've lived here, I've been able to get two jobs. The first one... Didn't work out. The second one I've been working at for a little over a week now. It's frustrating needing to mask so hard, because I work front counter, but whatever. I get $12/hour and tips, so that's nice.

Christmas was the most hectic of any Christmas I've had, at least that I can remember. 11 people, all with at least one gift. It was fun. I do wish we'd had chili and tamales, though. That has ended up being the Christmas meal for the smaller part of our family (my brother, our parents, and I), but it was still nice. I made so many cookies the day before and Christmas day itself. They have been delicious :)

My depression has barely given me issues since I had to take myself off of my antidepressants. I'm stuck without insurance for the time being, so I had to take myself off of it. I seem to be more creative, too. I have to wonder if it's related at all.

Thank you to anyone who might have read through all this, it wasn't necessary. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. Please don't repost this without any comments or anything, though. I don't need my life strewn across the internet and ending up on like... Idk a click or one topic video lmao

[rakka-kasahara]

2024-12-16

Dream:

Had a least two. I am unsure if the two below were one dream or two separate ones.

In the first, I am in the car and Brother N is driving us home. We end up hitting a town, I think Bozeman or Butte. Though, the college appears to be more inspired by my current town. We are lost. We drive through the college (which is why I think it was more my current town). There is thick fog. There is a sort of large building or shopping mall near near a football field, and we go on the field to find someone to help us. I walk around for a bit. I end up seeing a girl from high school in the bleachers and talk to her for a bit.

In the second, I am at Grandma D's house. It is also super foggy outside, which is why I am unsure if the dreams are separate. Grandma D has passed away, and the house is empty and very dark inside. I am house sitting for the evening. I go to the guest room, and I see a single mattress on the ground. I then go to the computer room and watch a bit of YouTube on Grandma's iMac. I hear some knocking on the door. I leave the computer room, go down the hallway to the living room, open the door to the mud room, and then open the screen door. My Mom and her sister is there. I guess they came to check up on me. The neighbor across the street has a garage sale. We go over to check them out, and they have a lot of stuff from Grandma. There are some of her camcorders and some of Grandpa's guns. We head back over to the house. For some reason, I have a thought about there being some monster lady in the house. She likes me and kisses me on the forehead. I go to Grandma's bedroom next to the guest room and look out the window. In the back yard is a lot of stuff. I see VCRs and large camcorders. Some lady is back there grabbing stuff. I then go to the sunroom and open the door. My aunt is now back there, and I yell at her. I think I threaten to shoot her. I now head back to the computer room. My great uncle is there, he has brought his own iMac. There is now some girl there I don't know. I think she is claiming to be an heir to Grandma or wants money.

Analysis:

For the first dream, I think it was due to the traveling home I will be doing soon. My brothers also drove me to my Grandma's for Thanksgiving. The shopping mall was the one I went to for Thanksgiving that has appeared in several dreams. I saw some pictures of it in a local magazine last night, so that is probably why.

For the second, it was likely inspired by when my Grandma D passed away. Her house was so empty. I have her old iMac, which is why it appears so often, and my great uncle also has Apple stuff. Not sure about the monster girl. The guns were my Grandpa, and my Dad inherited them when he passed away a while ago. As for the girl I didn't know, I was watching a Dark TikTok Trends Iceberg last night. She mentioned the Coronavirus challenge and showed this bimbo lookin' chick. The chick claims the toilet she licked was her sugar daddy's private jet.

[aestheticvoyage2024]

Day 97: Saturday April 6, 2024 - "End of an Era"

My Grandpa is officially going into assisted living when he returns back to Michigan this month. He is in the process of sadly saying goodbye to the desert. He's not coming back here next Winter. Its a new beginning for him and I am excited for him and will have to work hard to make sure that he still sees his little lion, Willie. William squealed loudly when we pulled up into Big Papa's house today, and ran and jumped into his old arms, almost tackling him to the ground before Granpa gave everything he had to lift him up and give his great Grandson a kiss on the cheek. They then shot of rockets and chased baseball, in the cool air, as I nostalgically soaked up saying goodbye to this haven too. Over the last 12 years, Ive seen my Grandparents here in Golden Vista far more than seeing them back home on the farm. Its Grandma and Grandpa's house of my grown up memories - the ones where they gave me permission to venture and ramble and settle out west. It was important to see them doing it. I proudly followed.

We enjoyed a hot dog roast and some pool time, and some good laughs and story telling with my Aunt and Uncle and the Cordova family. Uncle Jose let William take his car for a spin around the park with Grandpa in the passenger seat, now able to say he has ridden in a fully electric car, chuckling the entire time.

We hugged him tightly as we said goodbye, and told him that we loved him so much but as I said it, I meant it for this place too; I hugged this place too. Its been such a great winter home for my Grandparents. Its the heart of us desert Actons. Its an end of an era and things will forever be different now. I snatched Grandpa's old Golden Vista hat in the shed and he told me to keep it. You never know, I might be mayor of this place someday. I always loved coming here. Its no wonder that I hang my hat here now. That Golden Vista hat seemed like the most perfect little momento. Next time I see Grandpa it will be back home in Gratiot County at his new place.

Song: Current Swell - You Got It Easy

Quote: "In my grandparents’ time, it was believed that spirits existed everywhere...in trees, rivers, insects, wells, anything... I like the idea that we should all treasure everything because spirits might exist there, and we should treasure everything because there is a kind of life to everything." ~Hayao Miyazaki