#I cried in the car on the way home bc I just wish I had a mom that fucking acted like she cares about anyone but herself

[absolutely-xantastic]

It’s been 0 days since my last mom-related meltdown 🙃

[yynumaki]

hey, im new to tumblr and i didn't that there was a request section on a persons profile so i commented a request, sorry about that lol. but maybe aidan gallagher x reader where they have anxiety and really dont like loud rooms/too many people and one day the two are on a date and she asks to go outside bc its to loud and they go outside where she starts crying and apologizing for always being so antisocial? really just fluff and socially anxious reader? you dont have to if you dont want to, thanks! :)

A/N:Thanks for the req, sorry if I cant meet your expectations, I'm pretty busy lately but hope you enjoy. Also welcome to tumblr 🥳

Everything was supposed to be perfect.

Aidan asked you out on a date on the new restaurant that just opened up a few weeks ago; Apparently its already getting hundreds of amazing reviews by the second, so he decided to get a table reserved there for the both of you to celebrate your 3rd year anniversary.

You've picked out the perfect dress, the perfect shoes, and you woke up with glowing skin which just added the cheery on top.

Though the only problem was, you didn't think there'd be this much people here.

You felt like everyone was staring at you, that everyone was judging you, but in reality they were all just minding their own business.

You were punching yourself because you were feeling it all over again, the sweatiness, the shaking, the heavy breathing. You felt spiralled.

“Hey..” Aidan asked calmly, “Are you feeling ok love?”

“Yeah—” you said in a hush tone.

Before he could even say another word you felt the room and everyone's eyes closing in on you.

“Sorry” you whispered before rushing out

Aidan spared no second thought and rushed out to catch you. When he exited the restaurant, he saw you walking away quickly while holding your arms shakily as you cried, he caught up to you fairly fast.

“Y/n” he yelled, loud enough for you to hear but not so loud that he'd get the attention of others.

You faced him, lips shaking, your cheeks soaked with tears, and your mascara smudged.

He gently held your arms as his eyes was filled with worry.

“What happened?” he asked,

“Im sorry—” you said as tears were starting to brim your eyes once more, “Im so sorry, I'm so sorry....” you continued as he hugged you.

“It was all supposed to be perfect” you held him tighter, gripping his waist to hold him closer.

“Its not tour fault sweetheart ” he hushed, lightly pulling away from your hug to wipe your stained cheeks, “Your anxiety just got the best of you, but its not your fault, I should've booked a restaurant that had kore privacy ” he sighed.

“No Aidan” you responded, “You were so thoughtful for what you did, its just that I wish I didn't have this mental stuff” you sniffed, “It keeps ruining things”

“Dont blame yourself” he quickly responded in a serious yet calm manner, “Never blame yourself, you hear me?”

You nodded as he kissed your forehead and walked you to your car.

The same night, you went back home to your shared apartment.

While Aidan was dressing out of his suit, you thought that you could atleast make it up to him by having a dinner date at home, so while he was in the shower, you decided to bake his favourite meal and dessert.

He always showered for atleast an hour so that gave you enough time to finish mid way through so he couldn't just ask you to stop and go to bed with him.

When he went downstairs, he was greeted with a stench that made his stomach grumble.

“Whats all this?” he smiled as he walked to hug you from behind.

“Dinner" you responded sweetly, “Im going to make it up to you you know” you said declaratively.

“You dont need to make up for anything sweetheart” he kissed your cheek, “Having you is all that I need”

“So you want me to stop cooking?”

“Now I didn't say that” he laughed,

“Your so cheesy Mr.Gallagher” you joked,

“Only for you Mrs.Gallagher”

“Were not married love”

"Not yet"

[steddieas-shegoes]

Hiiiiiiiii hdisjxksjdj I have 2 ideas for the fic writing request! Feel free to choose whichever one you'd like to do or both! 💝💝💝 love youuu

1: Steve's parents meet his new friends and are shocked at how happy he is. + they see that Steve and his friends all wear a similar-style friendship bracelet made by the kids.

2: platonic stobin with the song lyric (brother by Kodaline: I took out the chorus bc it doesn't match here):

When we were young we were the ones

The kings and queens oh yeah, we ruled the world

We smoked cigarettes, man, no regrets

Wish I could relive every single word

We've taken different paths

And travelled different roads

I know we'll always end up on the same one when we're old

And when you're in the trenches

And you're under fire I will cover you

If I was dying on my knees

You would be the one to rescue me

And if you were drowned at sea

I'd give you my lungs so you could breathe

we'll go deeper than the ink

Beneath the skin of our tattoos

Though we don't share the same blood

You're my brother and I love you that's the truth

We're living different lives

Heaven only knows

If we'll make it back with all our fingers and our toes

Five years, twenty years, come back

It will always be the same

ANOTHA ONE (BUT ACTUALLY TWO)! This first one for some reason got me fucked up. I wrote so much, then 75% of the way through, I hated it and deleted it and started over. The second one was a lot easier, but I did get a little carried away (could have gotten MORE carried away if I didn't have a tiny bit of self control left). ANYWAYS YAY FOR FINISHING ONE OF MY CLASSES WITH A 94 AND BEING ABLE TO POST THESE! LOTS OF LOVE BABEYYYY - Mickala ❤️

------------------------------------------

PROMPT 1

“Where is it?”

Steve was panicking.

Okay, panicking might be dramatic.

It was just a bracelet.

But it wasn’t just a bracelet, actually.

El made them for everyone. They all matched, but she’d added everyone’s initials to theirs so it was still special for each of them.

When she gave Steve his, he hid in the bathroom and cried.

Despite being the King for years, he’d never had any friends like the kids and Robin.

Eddie either, but he’d already passed the line of “friends” into “love of his life”, so he didn’t count.

So when he looked down while he was cooking and realized it wasn’t wrapped around his wrist the way it had been for months, he started to worry.

When he couldn’t find it in the kitchen or the path from the kitchen to the car or the car itself or his bedroom or his bathroom, he started to feel a weight settle in his chest.

He wouldn’t give up yet though. He’d gone outside to check the chemicals in the pool this morning, maybe it had fallen off there.

Just when he was about to go look, he heard a car door slam. Then another one. Then keys at the front door.

Of all the times for his parents to decide they live here, they choose now? When he’d abandoned the casserole he was making on the counter and turned most of the place upside down in the last hour looking for his bracelet?

He took a deep breath, ready to try to brush aside the panic to make sure they didn’t find his behavior unacceptable or suspicious.

“Oh good. You’re home.”

Anne Harrington’s voice used to make Steve relax. She wasn’t ever a great mother, but she was at least here until he hit middle school. Her presence, her voice usually made his dad remain calm.

But when she started going away with his dad, her voice became a dreaded sound.

Instead of it easing the tension he held in his back and jaw, it caused the tension to arrive faster.

Richard Harrington was the root cause of all of that tension, though.

“What’s going on in here?”

Steve tried to make himself appear smaller, that’s what his dad liked from him, and that’s what kept him safe.

“You caught me as I was making dinner. I haven’t been able to clean up yet.”

“Is that a casserole?”

Anne was walking up to the counter, peering down at the casserole dish as she spoke.

“Yes. I’m having friends over later.”

He was at least. Before his parents made a surprise visit.

Just as he checked the clock to see if he had time to call everyone to cancel, he heard more car doors.

Fuck, how late was it?

6:30. Shit.

Of course the one time Eddie gets everyone here on time is the one time his parents decide to show up.

El had joined this campaign at the insistence of Eddie and Will, so he knew she’d notice his bracelet was missing.

He couldn’t let her close enough to see.

No hug hello. No sitting in the room while they played. No hugging goodbye.

He could do that.

El barged in the house first, excitement palpable before she even made it into the kitchen.

“Who the hell is this?”

The voices of the others could be heard walking through the door as El froze with wide eyes.

“Mom, Dad, this is El. She’s Chief Hopper’s daughter? I babysat her.”

They looked at him like he’d grown three heads.

“Steve! Tell Dustin that I’m supposed to be the fun parent!”

Steve’s face paled. Eddie.

Every possible reaction his parents could have ran through Steve’s mind as he actually did start to panic.

Suddenly, everyone from Hellfire was standing in his kitchen. With his parents.

And an uncooked casserole.

He reached for the bracelet on his wrist, then remembered he lost it, and then he felt the sting of tears in his eyes. He couldn’t cry in front of his parents.

He walked out of the room, ignoring the confused stares and murmurs from everyone, including his mother.

He walked up the stairs, to his bedroom, then fell on his bed.

No tears fell, but they were there, waiting. For what, he didn’t know.

He could hear footsteps outside of his room. A pause. A gentle knock.

“Steve?”

His mother.

She opened the door slowly, probably just as nervous as he suddenly was.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure,” he managed to choke out.

His mom sat on the edge of the bed, leaving enough space between them that he couldn’t feel any warmth from her, which is how it’s always been.

“We probably should have called.”

It wasn’t an apology, just a statement. More for her than him since she was feeling just as awkward about this as he was.

“Those kids are the ones you babysat?”

“Yeah.”

“They’ve gotten quite big, haven’t they?”

Steve had no idea what she was doing, but he could answer her questions.

“Yeah. Don’t really need me anymore.”

“They’re here, though.”

“I’ll send them home,” Steve started to get up, but his mom’s hand on his shoulder kept him from standing.

“Don’t. We just dropped by to grab a few things. We have a flight in a few hours.”

Ah. So they weren’t staying. If he hadn’t been home when they got here, he probably never would have even known they were here.

For some reason, that hurt. Even after all these years, all these times being left alone.

“They must really love you.”

Her voice sounded different, shaky. Like she was actually trying to show an emotion other than passiveness or disappointment.

She was holding something, he could see her rubbing her fingers along whatever it was.

And then he caught the bright pink.

His bracelet.

“Where did you find that?”

“It was on the ground by the front door. Your father didn’t see it, but I picked it up. Thought it may have belonged to a girl you brought home. Then I saw what all those kids were wearing and saw your initials on it.” She handed him the bracelet and he felt relief wash over him. “You’re lucky to have them.”

He looked at her. Her lips wobbling, her eyes watery, like she was actually happy for him, or maybe a little sad about something else.

Regret. That’s what that look was.

“I wish I had known that you had so many people who love you. I wish I had been here to see you find happiness. You didn’t have any for so long.”

She’d seen it then. She’d seen the way he had to fight loneliness despite being surrounded by people at school. She’d seen the way his face dropped every time they told him they were going on another business trip, how he started to hate that they even bothered to come home at all. She’d seen the way he filled his home with idiot teenagers who barely respected him or the house, who just wanted a place to drink away from their parent’s prying eyes.

She’d seen it and let him feel that hurt anyway.

She still didn’t say she was sorry.

But he thought about if he even wanted that now. If he could even believe it or accept it coming from her.

Probably not.

He took the bracelet from her and wrapped it around his wrist, tightening the string until it was snug.

“I didn’t have anyone for so long because you didn’t seem to think I needed anyone. I don’t know who I would be without them. They’ve done more for me than you or dad ever have, and that’s why I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” Steve sighed. It was exhausting that he even had to say this. “You’re right, though. I am lucky to be loved by them. This bracelet is just one of the physical reminders of that. Thanks for finding it.”

A single tear fell from her eyes, but Steve wasn’t going to let himself feel bad. She could have done this years ago when he needed it most.

Now he had those kids downstairs. He had Eddie. He had Robin. Joyce and Hopper. Claudia. Even the Wheelers.

Suddenly, Eddie was standing in his door, a panicked look on his face.

“Uh, sorry to interrupt.” He wasn’t. “You may need to come downstairs. Erica’s kind of doing that thing she does with your dad.”

Steve’s eyes widened while his mom just looked confused.

Then he heard it.

He jumped up and ran down the stairs, Eddie close on his heels.

“...and another thing! This house isn’t even decorated nicely! You have all this money, right? Why don’t you spend it on things that actually look good? Or a couch that’s actually comfy. How am I supposed to sleep on a piece of plywood with itchy fabric on it? Have you ever tried to sleep on that couch? Probably not since you can’t be bothered to come home.”

Steve put his hand on Erica’s shoulder while he glanced over at his father’s red face. He obviously wasn’t going to do anything to a child, but he didn’t want to take any risks, not with the kids he loved so much.

“Alright, everyone in the dining room! Get your game setup while I put the casserole in the oven.”

Erica glared up at him, but relented when everyone started moving towards the dining room.

Eddie watched as she left too, but he remained next to Steve.

Steve turned to face his father, who was certainly going to have a lot to say to him, but would probably wait until he was alone.

“The neighbor told me you had kids coming and going from here all the time, but I thought they were losing it. Especially when they said that the Munson van was parked in the driveway most nights. I guess they aren’t losing it, after all.”

His tone was outwardly calm, but Steve was well-versed in the silent rage boiling underneath.

He was also well-versed in how his father refused to make their family look bad, even if it was just a bunch of kids.

“They needed a place to play their game. I have plenty of room. It keeps them out of trouble and happy. I get to have people in the house. It’s a win win.”

Steve wasn’t usually this bold with his father, but he knew he was fine with Eddie next to him and his family in the next room.

His dad grunted and looked down at the bracelet wrapped around Steve’s wrist, and the matching one wrapped around Eddie’s.

Steve could feel his brain trying to figure everything out. He didn’t say anything to help.

“I’m sure your mother mentioned we’re just grabbing some things and leaving,” Richard finally said.

“She did.”

“Make sure the house is clean before we get back.”

“Which will be…?”

“Within the next few weeks.”

“Sure.”

They weren’t gonna be back in a few weeks. They probably wouldn’t be back for months, if ever.

Steve noticed that they barely had any of their personal belongings left in the house. He noticed that they had been slowly moving out of the house since his senior year of high school. He noticed that they rarely got mail delivered anymore, and that they didn’t send the gardener or pool cleaner by unless they were coming home.

He knew they had another house in upstate New York, one he’d never even been to and only found out about because his dad’s secretary mentioned it the last time he’d called looking for them.

He figured if they were coming back in a few weeks, it would probably be to tell him they were selling this house and he had to leave.

Which was fine.

He looked down at his bracelet as his dad left the kitchen, tugging on the end of it to make it even tighter.

He had people who would help him if he got kicked out. He had family.

-------------------------------------------------------

PROMPT 2

In 1987, Robin Buckley leaves for college.

They knew it was coming, her gap year truly could only be a year, after all.

Steve tried to put on a brave face.

He was proud of her, of course. She got into Purdue on one of the hardest academic scholarships to get. They’d let her, even encouraged her, to take the gap year, postponing her scholarship for her new start date.

She was leaving tomorrow and Steve didn’t know how to say goodbye.

Eddie was helping with some of the last minute packing she had to do, but he was trying to stay out of their way, give them time and space to enjoy what time they had left.

Suddenly, Steve knew what he needed to do.

“Eds?”

“Hm?”

“You’ve got supplies for tattoos right?”

“Tattoos, plural? Going from none to multiple in one go may not be a great idea, sweetheart.”

Robin was watching their interaction with curious eyes, but wasn’t saying anything.

“No, just one for me. But maybe one for Robin too?” He pointed the question at her, giving her a small smile.

“What? A tattoo? Now?”

“If you want. Just something small for us to have before you go.”

Maybe it was a stupid idea.

It’s not like she was leaving the damn country. He’d probably see her once a month at least.

But he was scared that she’d get to college and find a lot of smart friends who could keep up with her and find fewer reasons to visit here, and then Steve wouldn’t be able to convince her to stick around and he’d be alone.

A tattoo would at least ensure she was thinking of him, too.

“What would we get?”

“What about an ice cream cone?”

“Or a scoop?”

Eddie laughed. “You really want me to tattoo ice cream scoops on your bodies? Forever? You know these are permanent.”

Steve and Robin giggled together and nodded.

So it was settled.

They finished what they had to, waving a quick goodbye to Robin’s parents and letting them know she’d be back late. They reminded her they were heading out early in the morning and she ignored them. When they got to Eddie’s trailer, the nerves sunk in for both of them. Not enough to avoid getting the tattoos, but enough to make them hold hands while Eddie prepped the tattoo gun and ink for Steve.

“Alright, where do you want it big boy?”

He pointed to his ankle and looked at Robin, who nodded back at him in agreement.

So Eddie began.

Steve flinched at the first few lines in his skin, but got used to it quickly.

Robin held his hand and watched, talking to him about random things that she thought of that they could do when he visited her on campus.

Eddie finished quickly, smiling up at them both.

When he cleaned up and set up the new needle and ink for Robin, Steve held her hand and talked about all the things he was excited for her to do when she left. He even joked that she’d probably find a girlfriend in her Women’s Studies course.

“I mean that class is just gonna be a bunch of queer women, you better make a move.”

“You don’t know that!” she exclaimed while rolling her eyes.

When Robin’s tattoo was done, they smiled at each other. Robin kissed Eddie’s cheek in thanks and Steve kissed his lips, whispering a quiet thanks against them.

Even if Robin moved on, they’d always have this.

—-------

In 1991, shortly after Robin managed to graduate from school, Steve and Eddie had a massive fight.

They’d never had one before, not like this.

Not one that led to Eddie walking out and staying with Wayne.

Steve’s first call was to Wayne, making sure Eddie was safe.

His second call was to Robin, begging her to come stay with him for a few days so he wouldn’t have to be alone.

He hadn’t been alone in his house since the fall of 1986 and it was suddenly bigger and quieter than ever.

She quickly drove to him, knowing he wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t struggling.

When she arrived, Steve sobbed into her shoulder for hours, not even saying anything, not really able to. She let him, didn’t offer any words of comfort, just running her hands through his hair and making sure he kept breathing in and out.

Eventually, she asked.

“I thought you guys were doing great. What happened?”

Steve shrugged, but he knew. He knew that for a few weeks now Eddie had been working a lot more, that Steve had been working a lot more, both of them trying to save money to buy a house that wasn’t a constant reminder of everything bad in their lives. He knew that neither of them were giving each other the attention they deserved. He knew the tiny little snippy comments they both were giving each other kept adding up into a form of resentment he didn’t think either of them could’ve been capable of. He knew when he missed their date because he forgot to call when he found out about the overtime he was scheduled for, it would lead to a pissed off Eddie.

“We’re just under a lot of stress right now.”

“Worse than the literal end of the world?”

“No. Just. Real life is kind of harder sometimes. Is that crazy to think?”

“I guess not. But you guys love each other more than anything. This is just a bump, right?”

“I dunno. He’s staying with Wayne for a bit.”

“How long is a bit?”

“I don’t know, he didn’t say. Wayne said he’s barely seen him.”

“Maybe he just needs to cool off. Bet he’ll be back tomorrow.”

But he wasn’t. He wasn’t back that week at all. Robin had to go back to campus to pack before they locked her out permanently, so he was left to work and come home to an empty house.

It sucked, point blank.

But Wayne called him every night before he left for work, and Steve knew that at least Eddie was safe, still going to work, still eating.

The day Robin was supposed to be back, Eddie showed up. He let himself in, which was a good sign. He sat down next to Steve on the couch, another good sign. He sighed, not a great sign, but maybe not a bad one.

He looked at Steve with tears in his eyes.

“I wanna come home.”

Steve let out a sob and folded into Eddie’s chest, Eddie wrapping his arms around him and kissing the top of his head.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Sh. I’m sorry too, Stevie.”

When Robin arrived, she saw them asleep on the couch, thankfully fully dressed, and smiled to herself. She made her way up to the guest room that was basically hers and went to sleep, content with knowing that she’d gotten Steve through.

—--------

In 1997, Robin lands her dream job offer. Things move quickly. She’s supposed to fly to Italy in three days, but she’s stuck on how to tell Steve.

Steve and Eddie moved to Boston when she did, insisting that they wanted to live a city life. Now that the kids were all gone, they had no reason to stay in Hawkins.

They sold the Harrington mansion, then their own home, and found a nice two bedroom apartment on the outskirts of the city. Steve worked in a bakery, so his hours were a bit all over the place depending on the season. Eddie worked as a sound mixer at a record label, which wasn’t his dream job, but close enough that he was happy.

Robin had been working as a tutor for years, enjoying the one on one with teenagers who needed the extra help in their high school foreign language classes. It didn’t pay much, but it was enough.

But she applied to be a teacher, part of a study abroad project for prospective Boston University students that reached 24 different countries. She didn’t really expect to get it, her experience and education level not quite where most of the other applicants were.

But she’d impressed the interviewers with her knowledge of multiple languages, not just fluency in one. They expressed immediate interest and asked her which country she’d prefer.

She told them she preferred Italy, but hadn’t expected to get her first choice.

She did.

And now she had to tell Steve she was leaving the country for at least a year.

She called Eddie first to warn him. He was excited for her, of course, but nervous about how Steve would react.

They frequently joked that she was the side chick in their relationship because Steve would cancel plans just to hang out with Robin. Even as grown adults with grown adult responsibilities, Eddie had to remind them to get some sleep during sleepovers like they were teenagers.

He thought it was adorable.

He told her to come over for dinner, she could talk to him then and he would be there as backup.

So she did.

And it went okay at first. Steve was so excited for her, he kept talking about how she could send real Italian chocolate like he got on a vacation with his parents when he was young.

But then it seemed to slowly sink in what this meant.

No more random meetups in the city for coffee or drinks, no more dinners here at their apartment, calls would have to be scheduled in advance because of the time difference. No hugs or cuddling for a year.

“Maybe we could try to come visit in a few months?” He looked at Eddie hopefully.

“Maybe, sweetheart,” Eddie responded with a small smile.

He knew their finances weren’t bad, but a trip to Italy certainly wasn’t something they were prepared for. Plus, taking that much time off of work would be difficult. They didn’t have another sound mixer right now, which meant if he missed more than a day or two, they’d pretty much have to close up shop.

“I mean, I’m sure with what they’re paying me, I could probably come visit during the Christmas break,” Robin added, though she didn’t sound so sure.

Eddie squeezed Steve’s knee, sensing the tears he was trying to hold back.

“We’ve got time to figure it out.”

Nothing got planned for a while though, because Robin was busier than expected.

She worked six days a week, and on the seventh day, she was usually still grading papers or setting up meetings with the other teachers in the program.

Steve felt like he was fighting constantly for her attention, which wasn’t fair to think because she was just doing her job.

Eddie knew he was getting into a depressive episode about a month in.

He called Robin while Steve was asleep, coming up with a plan to get him out of it before it got bad.

“I’ve got enough money for the flight, but we need somewhere to stay. I think I can swing five days off for both of us if I tell his boss what’s going on. But I can’t do it for at least a month.”

“Okay, just stay with me. I have a pull out couch. My neighbor brings me so much food all the time, I’m sure she’ll wanna feed you both too. I still have to work, but you can explore while I do. Have you guys even taken a real vacation before?”

“Does visiting Dustin count?”

“No.”

“Then, no.”

The plan was in place. Steve remained sad, but Robin tried to call as often as she could.

But almost exactly one month later, Steve came home to Eddie packing luggage. His heart stopped for a moment.

“What are you doing?”

Eddie smiled at him, walking over to wrap his arms around him.

“Packing for our trip.”

“What trip?”

“To Italy.”

Steve’s heart started racing.

“What?”

“Gotta get you to see your girl, don’t I? She’s got a couch with our name on it.”

Steve cried for the next hour, leaving wet kisses on Eddie’s cheeks and lips as he helped pack.

When they arrived in Italy, Robin was at the airport holding the chocolates Steve so desperately wanted, but he didn’t care about in that moment.

He was back with his platonic soulmate.

—------

Being engaged wasn’t that important to Steve or Eddie. They couldn’t legally get married anyway, so what was the point of the whole song and dance of asking and wearing a ring?

They’d belonged to each other for so long, it wasn’t necessary.

But in 2003, Eddie changed his mind.

It happened because Robin said something about how marriage equality was looking more likely, like maybe she could actually marry her girlfriend who followed her back from Italy.

And Eddie couldn’t have Robin get engaged before him.

So he found a ring, just a simple gold band with a single diamond. He got it engraved to say “scar on my heart” which was the title of the first song Eddie wrote about Steve for Steve.

He made plans. He called the kids and made them swear not to say anything.

He called Robin and asked if she could be there.

But he should have known Robin couldn’t keep a secret.

“I’m just so excited!”

“For what? It’s just ice cream at the park,” Steve said curiously.

“It’s not just ice cream! It’s a big moment!”

And then she realized what she said. Eddie glared at her.

“What’s the big moment?”

Eddie sighed. He could just say Robin was being dramatic, but Steve wouldn’t buy it, not with the way she looked guilty of murder now.

“I have something to ask you.”

Maybe Steve would leave it.

“What is it? Why does Robin need to be there? Just ask me now.”

Guess not.

“Since I can never have plans that work, fine.” Eddie pulled the box out of his pocket, sending one more glare at Robin, who already had tears in her eyes. He started to drop to one knee but felt hands on his arms.

“Wait! Are you proposing to me?”

“Uh. Trying to, yes.”

Steve started laughing. Not really the reaction he was hoping for.

Then, he pulled a box from his pocket.

Robin clapped and cheered from the side while Eddie just stared in disbelief.

“What?”

“I called Robin to come this weekend so I could propose!”

“But. I called her to come!”

“You both are dinguses! Eddie called me an hour before Steve did if it matters, but you both are ridiculous.”

They looked at each other and laughed as Robin’s words sank in.

“I guess I know your answer then,” Eddie said.

“Ask me anyway.”

“Yeah, I came all this way to see proposals, give me a show!” Robin exclaimed loudly.

“You just need ideas for your girlfriend.”

“Shut up.”

Eddie turned to Steve, got down on one knee, and smiled up at him.

“We’re living in a time where we might be able to actually get married and there is nothing I want more than to be able to call you my husband. I’ve loved you for nearly 20 years, and I know I’ll love you more in the next 20, and the 20 after that. What do you say, big boy? Wanna marry me?”

Steve was crying and Eddie could hear Robin sniffling to the side.

“Yeah, I do.”

Eddie placed the ring on Steve’s finger and kissed him so hard, Robin groaned.

“Okay, my turn.”

Eddie stood up with a smirk as Steve got down on one knee.

“Eds, I’ve never been that great with words, but you’ve loved me anyway. Even when I may not have deserved it, even when it may have been hard, even before I was ready to love you back. I’m not going anywhere no matter what the law says, but I want you to wear this so you know I’m all in. Will you be all in too?”

Robin was crying harder now, but Eddie didn’t care.

He nodded and let Steve place the ring on his finger.

Then they both pulled Robin into a hug, all of them crying into each other’s shoulders.

It made sense that she was here for this. She was Steve’s other half, Eddie was just an addition, and he was fine with that.

[mushangaa]

Whelp send me strength people I gotta go to a religious event today bc my cousins kid has her confirmation today and it's gonna be a doozy.

(there is a lot of bad blood with that branch of the fam but everyone gonna do the thing were we pretend it's water under the bridge for the sake of the kid. Joy. I wouldn't go normally but ain't no way imma let my mom jump into the snake pit by her lonesome so...)

Also my feet are like. Fucked. This is not news to me actually but my home is set up in ways that make it easier to not notice too much and recently I sometimes find my right foot cannot carry my weight correctly first thing in the morning and is a bit woobly which isn't that much of an issue for me to work with normally, I can compensate on even ground. Today however I woke up at my mom's place (slept over bc early church event yadda yadda we need 1h with her car to get there) and got faced with... Stairs. So. Almost faceplanted bc hm yes, the right foot don't wanna be stable about it so going down stairs was an experience. Had to move sideways and take one step at a time. Not sure how to feel about that revelation.

On a lighter note my mom has a sick curling iron that works with air and just sucks your hair on? Idk man but I was her fab Lil guy all morning with lovely turquoise curls. Unfortunately she had no spray at home to fix em like that so bc my hair is long the curls loosened up again but ey I was pretty for morning routine and coffee xd (maybe I should get this curling iron tho bc it was so easy n quick dafaq)

On an awesome note imma head off into the darkest highest point tonight that I can find bc the northern lights are visible over Austria tonight (they already were yesterday too but I was in the city so no dice) and imma go and see em. Wish my dad was still with us he would've been down to go on a hike right away for this. Ah, I hope he walks with me anyway.

Day of many emotions today but I am in a relatively good mood bc I saw Chantal in Wonderland yesterday and that shit was so funny I cried while laughing so hard.

[carrotzcake]

I literally cried tears of joy last night because of how amazing my thanksgiving was. my original plans to spend it with my immediate family got foiled because of covid (even though my mom kept saying i should come anyway if i couldn't cancel the rental car??? ma'am, i'm not exposing myself to covid right before I go on vacation next weekend or have surgery the subsequent week).

anyway, I happened to text my cousin in jersey and she wound up inviting me-she and her husband have four kids, plus their parents, her brother (my other cousin) and his girlfriend, and a few other folks, so it was a full house. my cousins and extended family are always a blast to be around and I rarely see them. meanwhile my immediate family, especially around thanksgiving, tends to be a pain to be around bc of diet talk, my mom's need for everything to be perfect, and feeling like everyone's secretly watching me.

I'll admit to some purging but mostly because I was hungover and it was not settling well; and I still ate dessert without purging that. But the food wasn't even a big deal; I had some anxiety while making a plate but I know how to eyeball and was able to trust that I know what I'm doing. I paced myself well and engaged in the conversation at the table. I've never discussed my eating disorder with anyone in my family, though I believe my mom talks to my aunt about me sometimes, so I'm not sure what they know. but I felt super comfortable and welcomed and safe and loved.

sadly, my mom had to ruin it. repeatedly in conversation before and afterwards, she said I "invited myself over". 1. that is categorically untrue. I said I was going to friends' and my cousin said I'm always welcome there. 2. they're FAMILY. they love me and i love them and I never see them. even if I did invite myself, if I showed up completely unannounced, they'd be thrilled! I really wish she could just hear how happy I was and what a good time I had and be happy for me.

took the train home in the evening and my good friend came over and we watched a movie and he stayed the night. he was there for me when I got emotional; he always is. (please note, i almost never cry). I cried tears of joy for finally having a thanksgiving full of positive memories, i cried tears of gratitude for my dynamic extended family, i cried tears of loss for the years i've spent holidays in treatment or so severely wrapped up in my eating disorder that I wasn't really present, tears of loss for the loved ones who've passed away and can't celebrate with us anymore, tears of pain that my mom cannot and has never been able to love and support me in the way that i need.

my cousin sent me home with thanksgiving leftovers which I fully gave myself permission to eat and enjoy for lunch and now i'm going to take a nap. recovering alone is so exhausting.

[motherhoodministry]

Lack of alignment moment

I've created this blog to not only promote my Pregnancy Journal but also reveal true vulnerability that a pregnant woman endures. I felt that the best way to fully show that is through healing through my prenatal journal and through the power of words. During emotional times I tend to shy away due to my own struggle with my vulnerabilities as a mom. I can no longer hide that part of myself if I am to fully show what I want my prenatal journal to assist with.

Today was a tough day. I've been having many tough days, lately. Normally, I am pretty optimistic about my life. I stand by my choices, and I have allowed my path of healing to be an example to women that I've encountered in my life to be a testimony.

I work on the weekends, along with 2 days out of the work week. I work 10-hour days which can be long for a pregnant mom in her late 30s. I leave in the morning, and I don't make it back until the night. I endure this schedule because I make more money on the weekends and at night. I work for my dream employer with awesome benefits, an awesome manager, and an awesome work environment. With these blessings I also have heavy struggles. I don't have a car, so I use rider share apps to get to work which does cost me. I don't have a washer and dryer so i visit the laundry mat twice a month, which entails picking up heavy laundry bags and bending over and backwards to go sometimes at 4 am before work to make this happen. I broke my phone recently so I am stuck with an iPhone that only works on Wi-Fi so when I do go places, I am constantly praying they have Wi-Fi so I can make it back home. Also, I constantly deal with people cancelling rides on me bc it's such a hassle to get on to my work campus, so I'm usually not able to get home until after about a hour after I get off work.

When I get off work, I LONG to see my babies. I really wish I could work from home around my beautiful loving babies. So it seems like every weekend I'm in tears because I am waddling/running out to the parking garage, so I don't miss my Lyft ride because I have to use the Wi-Fi at work and when I leave the main building it cuts off. So, I have to hurry to get down 5 floors to make sure I meet my ride in time. (In the past, I have missed rides, was charged a partial payment for missing a ride, or just standing out there waiting not knowing they have cancelled on me).

Since I don't have a phone, I have to communicate with my teenager through email. His iPhone stopped working, so I have to count him using my laptop to check my email to email me back. Well today he never emailed me back. So at work I had to pray that everything was ok. I prayed all the way home that my babies weren't hurt, or something happened as to why he never replied to my email. Found out that he just never checked it, but I also found out that someone left a metal bowl on the stove and turned it on. So, the food ended up burnt on the bowl which could have led to a fire. Mind you I just came home with feet swollen and overall exhaustion to hear that they could have burned down the apartment if they didn't find the burnt smell. So all this did was reconfirm that I need to hire a Sitter for my kids because my immature, teenager may not be able to watch them effectively. Especially since no one could tell me, who turned the stove on? Which leads to my thoughts of lack. Lack of financial resources to hire someone. Lack of financial resources to get a car. Lack of financial resources to buy furniture of the home. Lack of financial resources to buy baby things for my newborn once he gets here. Just overall LACK.

In the middle of me cooking I began to break down and cry. I don't like my babies witnessing me breaking down, so I rushed to my room and just dropped to the floor and cried. I thought ' Life shouldn't be this hard for me'. I understand that nothing is perfect, but I've been struggling to maintain my faith in the universe without feeling like I'm being punished for something. I am doing so much to create a better life for my babies and I but there is so much resistance and contrast. All I could do is cry out the words ' Why?'.....

As I'm crying, I feel even worse because I can feel that Elo has stopped moving. He hears me bawling into my hands. All I can think about is how tired I am and that once I stop crying, I must pull myself together make my babies dinner. Even when I'm breaking down I still have to make sure I get back up to keep going. For my babies, I will keep going because they deserve so much more than what I struggling to provide. Eventually, I stopped, wiped my face, prayed, and walked into the kitchen and made spaghetti for my babies. My younger two, came in and hugged me. Rawlo told me " Mommy I will always be on your side" and my baby girl, Peaches, told me " I love you Mommy". The most precious words any mom need to hear after feeling like a failure.

I am sharing this moment to show that within the pregnancy journal there are spaces to just BE. Even when being is at a lower frequency than I would like. There are many pregnant women today who are working while creating life but all we want to do is rest, love on our babies and just nest our home. There are many pregnant women who are alone, with no protection or provision from a partner. With no comfort from their mother or grandmother. Just out here, vulnerable, sensitive and susceptible to so many different energies and hardships. I am more determined today to be a healing light for those and for myself. Because we are in need of it the most.

[n0toverit]

huge vent feel free to ignore

okay day is now becoming kinda bad day esp with everything that’s happened recently i haven’t worked in like two weeks bc quit old job to go to new job bc i got a car which is literally everything i worked for at old job like saving 550-650 per check so i could get a car and then i got in an accident so i have no car which is the whole reason i went to new job interview and got the job that o was so happy and so excited for and now i have no car so i got all used to having my own time and doing things in my own not asking if i can be dropped of here or if i can be brought there i could just do it on my own and i was able to see bf twice a week instead of once bc he wasn’t the only one driving all the way to me and back every week but now i get more info on new job just to find out my kinda ex friend at this point that works there told me ppl wear jewelry and have their nails and lashes done blah blah so i give myself a fresh set of acrylic nails this past weekend, i would have had lashes but that was the day of the accident just for the email to say no perfume/cologne, no jewelry whatsoever (rings of any sort, earrings, bracelets,watches) no makeup, no hair or eyelash extensions, no acrylic nails or nail polish, and above all that said that if you violate any part of the dress code you’ll be sent home and have training rescheduled for the next week which mine was already rescheduled bc the class i was supposed to be in on the 5th got too full so they moved me to the 12th now i have to remove a basically full fresh set of acrylics and take off all of my jewelry including my ring from my boyfriend which means the most to me i literally cried the one day i forgot to put it back on a couple weeks ago after washing my cat and then take out all 3 sets of earrings i have and possibly lose the 3rd holes entirely that i only got making sure with that friend that i would be able to wear at least just regular plain earrings and not have to take them out and she said yes they shouldn’t say anything so not only was i basically fully lied to but i have only a few days to figure out what to do with all my stuff idk if they’ll let me in with clear piercing retainers or not i’ll have to see how they look cause i’m not sure if i’ll have my hair up or not this is all so disappointing and upsetting with the fact that i’m pretty sure all week i’m gonna have to uber home too cause they’re doing it on a tuesday when my regular schedule has me off from sunday -tuesday and alternating wednesdays i’m happy i have the job and it’s a better working place than the last job i had especially since i know i won’t be doing 3diff ppls jobs and playing manager through the week but i wish the stupid accident didn’t happen and my stupid friend wasn’t so stupid if i can even call her a friend at this point we had this not rlly huge but idk falling out argument whatever that she complains how she feels like i don’t want hang out with her anymore or that i spend all my time with my bf who i’ve only been able to see 2-3 times a week IF IM LUCKY but normally once a week on tuesdays for over a year but she thinks i spend all my time and days off with him when he lives 45mins away from me or that i don’t wanna hang out with her when she leaves me on seen and delivered for weeks and at time and she thinks it’s like a hehe oopsies i did to that didn’t i like it’s so annoying and irritating i’ve actually fully stopped talking to her bc of it she said she was gonna be better about it and she hasn’t changed anything so i just stopped talking to her fully because it’s sad and annoying esp seeing as we were best friends since we were like 10-11 and now she just pretty much lies or pays so little attention and practically ignores me everything g is so upsetting recently i just wish i still had my car and never made that stupid appointment and that i had better friends when at this point my only friend is my boyfriend if he even really counts and maybe one other person but we can’t even really hang out now cause i don’t have a car anymore

[chemicalcain]

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

tagged by @cmdthenerd :P

Rules: answer the questions and tag fifteen mutuals.

1. Are you named after anyone?   

technically no. but i picked my middle name because it’s the name of my dad’s favorite bird

2. When was the last time you cried?   

when i left my last job probably. i don’t know for sure though, it became a lot harder for me to cry after i started T and it never really came back. i can still get like... emotional release. but it’s not through tears it’s through feral shrieking in my car

3. Do you have kids?    

no and i am getting surgery to make sure i never will. i like kids just fine but i would not be a good parent

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?   

less than i used to! over the last few years i realized both that i don’t understand sarcasm reliably and that the people i like to speak with don’t understand sarcasm reliably, so it’s kinda phased out of my vocab unless i’m using very heavy sarcasm tone of voice

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?  

whether they try to approach me (threat display) and whether their hair is cool (could be queer and/or a wizard of some kind)

6. What’s your eye color?    

hazel (technically brown with green in it. more brown than they used to be)

7. Scary movies or happy endings?   

this is a false dichotomy. why not both. guillermo del toro knows where it’s at

8. Any special talents?    

no :) jk jk. i’m really good at understanding mechanisms by observation, legitimately that has helped me in numerous ways and i have come to realize it is not a natural skill for most people

9. Where were you born?   

a hospital, so i’m told. i wish i’d been a c-section so i could say i was excised lol. i hated the town where i grew up, maybe more than it deserves

10. What are your hobbies?    

allegedly i like to draw but i don’t do it super frequently. i have dabbled in knitting lately. i own multiple power tools. i think a lot about clothing design. i write sometimes. i have many characters knocking around my skull like billiard balls. my hobby is ADHD

11. Have any pets?    

no but i will definitely have a dog and a cat someday. i used to have a pet snail but i was not a great caretaker for him so i found someone else who could give him a better home :)

12. What sports do you play/have played?   

when i was like 10 i played soccer. i was bad at it and nobody really cared. in high school i ran cross country until the first 5k and then i quit. then i joined the swim team which i enjoyed a lot but it made me so so sleepy bc they practiced 2 hours every weekday after school

13. How tall are you?    

5′9″ if i’m wearing shoes

14. Favorite subject in school?   

hmmmmmmmmm. science usually, except when i disappointed the teachers, because letting people down was the most crushing feeling when i was a child. it still holds among my top fears but i set the bar pretty low these days so it’s less of an issue. that’s off topic though. science classes were cool because sometimes we blew things up or licked rocks or caught caterpillars. other times i had meltdowns because i didn’t understand electron orbitals. you know how it is

15. Dream job?   

i do not dream of labor. i want to spend my time building a home for the people i love and gathering food and caring for animals and tending to plants and trying out cool things and making music

Tagging:

uhhh i don’t talk to people lol. so you’re not getting 15. @varietycannedmeats @oysters-aint-for-me @swampysmiles @rbandboy y’all might get a kick out of it?

[khodorkovskaya]

04.01.23

i spent the whole day alone today, corrected a couple of things on the website and wrote 4 important emails with my stepdad over microsoft teams. and in the meantime i listed to eileen by ottessa moshfegh and read acts of desperation in one sitting. and god did it hit hard. here's another passage that really resonated with me:

"I wished I could unburden myself but I couldn’t verbalise what was happening because doing so would bring it into existence. So far, it was all taking place in my head with no verification from an outside party, and so long as I kept it that way I could suppress it. That urge you have with an envelope of results, delaying the future in which you are unwillingly privy to terrible news.

I knew also that if I began to describe more or less anything about Ciaran and what our relationship was like I would upset my dad. The split in me was so wide that these two states could coexist:

1. I knew that my relationship was strange and uneven and not reciprocal and that speaking about its reality would confuse and upset people who loved me.

2. I didn’t feel it to be those things."

i related so much to the narrator and how she felt in her relationship. i don't know if i could've ever cheated on B if things carried on for longer and i don't have a strong desire for pain like the narrator did, but i could still relate a lot. the passage where she sleeps with reuben and "could feel the silliness of sex for the first time in forever" made me cry so much.

the narrator's diary, the fact that she's always crying, her feeling pain but not knowing the reason and being confused in her feelings, her on and off thoughts about wanting to be thin... it all hit so close to home.

the book portrayed modern womanhood in such an accurate way. like we really are raised with this idea that we have to be dedicated to men but with no moral explanation behind it. it's never explained why we have to dedicate ourselves. there's no religious explanation anymore, nothing rational about it. so we grow up with this idea that we're only gonna be complete when we're in love, not understanding and not even questioning why. and then we find ourselves cooking intricate dinners for men with no tastebuds and having to justify why we don't want to have sex because "no" isn't a sufficient answer. we have it ingrained into our minds that things have to be that way. and at an age where you have to figure yourself out first, questions like this are even harder to deal with bc you don't even have the tools yet to deal with them. anyway, i feel like what im saying doesn't really make sense. but yeah i liked the book a lot.

yesterday i rescheduled my driving exam. the first date available was the 19th of april so i took it. i have my student license until the 21st of april so im just gonna have one chance lol. and if i fail oh well, i'll have to redo theory again.

i cried for 15 minutes straight after i rescheduled the test. i felt so stupid. and my stepdad was like "you have all these opportunities, you're so spoiled. i didn't have anyone to teach me but i was so determined to learn how to drive that i taught myself. and you have everything laid out in front of you on a platter and instead of being grateful you just cry." and that made me feel even worse. bc it's true that i don't have it as hard as many people do. and another person would've loved to be in my shoes. but i can't for the love of god understand how to drive. like i think im just stupid. there is no other explanation. ive had i don't know how many hours of driving and yet i still struggle like a complete beginner and it just gets worse and worse.

but anyway, as i was in the middle of crying, the car parked in front of us started moving and the guy was struggling so hard like he couldn't exit the parking spot. and i was like huh maybe im not too bad of a driver compared to some. and then the person in another car next to us was having an even harder time. they went back and forth, nearly bumped into the car next to them many times, kept turning the wheel left and right frantically. so i was like you know what, not all hope is lost! i can even parallel park without too much difficulty on a good day so there is still hope for me! and if those two people we just saw didn't feel bad for their imperfect driving skills, neither should i!

[drinkingbitterboy]

eeee thank YOU for reading my midnight rambles, more like! and yeah, i forgot about the daniel radcliffe thing! and i also agree about getting rid of the anxiety about looking good out and about, makes a lot of sense. (also makes packing much easier; we love a king with a capsule wardrobe)

after reading through this i had another thing i wanted to mention, which is again based on personal experience, but really influences how i interpret tbhc and the car in addition to everything else alex has ever written/said about his stage personas. the closest thing i've ever got to that was that i cosplayed at a couple cons, as a very confident character, and the way i felt blowing kisses to cameras and whatever i imagine is kind of similar to being am!era alex. anyway. not the point.

the point is that even after all this time i still sometimes think of Peformer Me and Real Me, and i only did that for what, 10 years? i started young, and alex is a bit older than me, so i can't imagine having the double identity kind of thing for over half my life (!!!!) , still going strong, and having it even worse because he's an international star still touring constantly and all that. and he's the fuckin frontman!! even worse!

having your own cool, suave, doesn't-shit-bricks-when-on-stage version of yourself starts out as a coping mechanism, at least for me. i'm guessing for alex, too. it feels like a security blanket, or even armor when it's a tough crowd and you feel like crap. it feels like freedom, whether they love you or they don't--they don't know you! you can be brave; call out hecklers, dance like you never would even though everyone's watching, at least act like you know you're hot shit even if you don't think so, be vulnerable but not really, because they aren't seeing the Real You. and then you can go home and change and sit on the couch with your friends and take solace in the fact that you are, in fact, still you.

the problem comes when you start feeling down and lonely. suddenly that armor becomes a brick wall. it hits you hard that they don't know you. they think they love you, but they don't know you. the applause and smiles and all that are fine and dandy but it's not for you. and if you're already in kind of a shit place that really makes the whole thing worse. it's really hard to process the mental split that occurs between Real You and Performer You if Real You feels like a dumpster fire. you know when you've been upset and crying in the bathroom or something and put on a brave face go back out into the rest of the house? like that, somehow, but worse.

i just take so much solace though that bc am came into this whole thing at the same age, together, and they're still together, that it makes it easier to go through. i met my best friend as a teen and the fact that he did this with me makes it so much easier. there's literally no other person on the planet that i can say i cried on for 3 hours on a tour bus in ohio after a show. (aside: i wish i could have had as fun of a show in cleveland as tlsp did, holy shit)

and so. this is the framework that i was basing my (unfinished, probably bad) wine-fuelled essay about the entirety of the car album. thank you for coming to my ted talk. i am so sorry

i know i love to meme on alex turner wearing the same damn thing day in day out on this tour whether he's on stage or out on the streets but man, i GET IT

like i'm quite shy and hate talking to strangers or even looking someone in the eye but i remember putting on my uniform and walking around with an instrument and holy shit, i was a social butterfly! it was so easy! sure dude, i'll take a picture with you! yep this is the time we start the concert! you're lost? this is the way to that building! etc etc

when he's wandering around airports and knows people are gonna come up and ask for a picture i get feeling comfortable in his stage clothes and i love that for him! also i hope this means it's like 100x easier for him to go incognito if the man puts on a big hoodie and sneakers bc the fans are looking for a suit jacket and heeled boots

[barbiewritesstuff]

Sticking with my niche here, can i get some angst where Rooster and the reader are in a really bad car accident and Rooster feels incredibly guilty bc theyre hurt real bad?

Impact

-- I took some liberties but I hope you enjoy it still!

Tw. Car crash, brief mention of injuried and death --

Hangman had been drunk when his phone rang and your voice spoke through the speaker 

"Jake? Can you come pick me up? Stacy and Ashley left me stranded at the club for some stupid frat boys"

"Shit, sorry. I h-- Y/n I have had a lot of beer. I can't drive" Jake slurred through the phone. Hell, he couldn't even open his eyes. He heard you sweare through the receiver "Hang on"

"Roos -- Bradshaw. You can drive, right? Can you do me a favour?" 

And that's how Rooster had found himself driving to the club you had been at with a vague description he had received from Hangman ("She's like not too tall but also like, not small? Got blue eyes and like blonde hair? I think? It might be a little brown. She's also like, really cute?"). 

He found you by the side of the road and Rooster had to stop himself from staring.

Whatever Hangman had tried to say with 'really cute' did not paint an accurate picture of you. The club's neon lights made you look like a damn movie character. He had really sold you short. And when you spoke to introduce yourself, Bradshaw couldn't listen to anything but the honeyed tone of your voice. 

"You are saving me, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been able to come pick me up."

"You're welcome"

"You're Rooster, right? Jake told me lots about you" 

"Oh God, what has he told you?" Rooster chuckled

"He really admires your flying, you know. And he thinks you're an overall great dude" She smiled.

An easy silence settled over the car as you fiddled with the strap of your shoe.

"So how do you know Hangman?"

"Oh it's not very interesting" you said but Rooster still urged you. 

Jake had been a friends with your older brother since diapers thanks to you moms' friendship, but being the annoying little sister meant you were excluded from much of what they did until you both hit your teens. Then, your brother got ill, Jake spent much of his days at yours trying to do what your brother couldn't anymore. He'd help with homework, listen to you talk about boys and teach you how to play guitar. You really appreciated that he was there for you. And when your brother died, Jake was there to hug you and hold you as you cried. He held you hand during the funeral, hoping you would find the same comfort in the gesture than he did. 

Since then, he was there to protect you no matter the day, no matter the time.

Rooster listened and stayed quiet. It turned out that whatever Hangman lacked in reliability in the air, he made up for with her. 

"Are you single?" Realising the suddenness of the question, Rooster tried to backtrack "I mean you and Jake --"

"Oh no, we're not dating. Just friends. I'm single" You shot a disarming smile his way "Are you, Rooster?" 

You tone had been a little suggestive. Rooster could feel the temperature rise in the car. He nodded.

Talking to you was easier than talking to anyone he'd ever talked to. You were naturally chatty and didn't mind his short answers at the start. 

Your relaxed attitude made him at ease. 

You were almost at the Hard Deck where you said you would pick up Jake and drive him home in his own car. Rooster wished the journey had been longer.

"If that's okay, i'd like to take you out sometime"

You beamed but before you could answer Rooster felt the wheel jerk under his fingers. 

You had been stopped at an intersection, the light turned green and Rooster had stepped on the gas and then your world went dark. 

The car flipped.

The corvette that had sped down the hill on your right hadn't even attempted to brake much before hitting you straight in the passenger door. 

Rooster was relatively uninjured, save for whiplash, a broken wrist and a concussion. He managed to crawl out of the car. He looked at the scene. The corvette had been turned into an accordion and the door of your car had bent inwards so much in the impact that it had snapped clean off of its hinges and was now lying on the floor.

He could see you from where he stood.

Rooster walked forward a little and knelt down to check up on you. His heart stopped. 

You were staring dead ahead, empty eyes glazed over. There was no pulse and no breathing.

The emergency crews arrived and pronounced you and the corvette's driver dead at the scene. They loaded Rooster onto the ambulance despite his pleas that he was fine, please leave him alone, to check for internal damage.

He knew it wasn't his fault. But the guilt he felt was all consuming.

How was he going to tell Hangman? What was he going to tell Hangman?

She had been precious to him, the only person he had never left hanging and on the one night he allows someone else to help, he gets her killed. Rooster tried not to imagine what was happening at the Hard Deck right then. He tried not to imagine Jake's face when the police officers entered the bar and told him that there was an accident and that his honorary little sister had been killed on impact.

Rooster's phone buzzed with an incoming call. The name "Lt Jackass Seresin" lit up the screen. Rooster didn't pick up.

[mysticmeadowscamp]

im thinkin abt dee and vee going to get milkshakes ..........bc vee has just been havin a Shit day .... they lean their head against the car window the whole time ........ dee doesn't know whether to turn the radio up or turn it down ..... they get milkshakes and park outside the restaurant and dee hands them their drink and just. looks at them for a moment. and vee just starts crying ... dee practically pulls them into his lap........ he wished he knew what to do before but This He Can Do .... he just holds them until they stop crying and then they drink their milkshakes .. and on the drive home dee points out the moon and they talk to her together ... dees not used to doing it but he kinda likes it .... he tells her a funny story from that week, and vee laughs .... and they doesn't realize it but when they pull into the driveway. vee does feel better. they always do, one way or another ...... they don't even fill out their Milkshake Ranking Sheet that night. they do it over breakfast in the morning and even then it's like "tasted like vanilla bc it was vanilla flavored bc it was the only kind they had. I think I cried in it a little" "vee definitely cried in theirs but they still drank it so ig it was good" "the moon wouldn't have liked it but I'm not the moon so it was tolerable"

SO SOFT OVER THIS WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

honestly im a lil surprised but v happy that u remembered Dee nd Vees Milkshake Rating Sheet ooou..............

Dee talking to the moon mainly bc he knows Vee enjoys doin so but also him actually kind of liking it. Like he maybe wouldnt do it alone. Maybe only w Vee. But still. It actually feels rlly nice..... wah...

[fivelakesinwriting]

can you do a barry one where you’re rafe and sarah’s sister and you’ve been sneaking barry into your room every night while you’re home from college bc your friends with benefits but when ward goes to give barry the money that rafe owes him he says something like “why don’t you ask your daughter who’s she’s been sneaking into her room every night. so ward comes home pissed to wake you up and ask you about it so you go to barry’s house and confront him and it leads to smut

Author's Notes: I wrote her as the Littlest Cameron from Ward's first marriage - because I kinda love that idea. All characters are 18+

Warnings: OBX Spoilers - Only for Season 1 (I assume we've all been there done that..) Swearing, Mentions of drugs/ drug debt, Guns, Sexual references - Sexual innuendos, Smutty.

Requested? YES! Requests for OBX are OPEN!

*My work is not to be transferred, copied, translated or reposted to any other sites without my permission. Please see my masterlist for all other works and warnings. Thank you! xoxo

For almost six weeks he had been sneaking into her bedroom at night, completely unseen to anyone. Not even the boy who spent the majority of his days on his couch, passed out or begging for a fix.

This time it was his turn to beg.

He crawled through the window - left open like always for him - and tossed his legs through in to her bedroom. He grunted when her body collided with his in the dark, sending him backwards towards the wall.

"We said 11pm. It's 11:17pm." She mumbled as she pressed on her toes to wrap her arms around his neck.

"Sorry. Got wrapped up in some shit. Thought I forgot?" He smirked as he hitched at the waist to wrap his arms around her, reciprocating her affection.

"Yes." She whispered into his shoulder as her fingertips curled into the material of his coveralls.

Barry only lifted her up in response, always amazed that a girl with a brother the size of Rafe Cameron could be so tiny. He carried her over to her bed and laid her on her back, crawling on top of her to take up the space between her thighs. He placed feather-light kisses down her neck, a smile on his face as she pulled at his coveralls.

"Hey, Tiny. I need to borrow some fucking cash. You don't still have that stupid piggy bank or some shit - what the fuck is this?" Rafe came stomping into her bedroom without knocking and flicked the lights on, his hands pushing all the trinkets and books off her dresser as he searched.

"Rafe, what the fuck! Knock first, asshole!" She screamed as she tossed a decorative pillow off her bed and towards her older brother who stood dumbfounded on the other side of her bedroom.

"The fuck is this? Why is he here?" Rafe questioned as he pointed his index finger at the older man on top of his younger sister.

"What's up, Country Club?" Barry smirked as he turned his face to look at Rafe, as if he weren't on top of his little sister.

"T.C, he has to leave. Now. I'm fucking serious." Rafe grumbled with a stern look, a pinch of his nostrils and then exited her bedroom with a slam of the door.

"T.C?" Barry grinned as he propped himself up on his arms above her and looked down at her embarrassed face.

"Tiny Cameron." She sighed as she pressed one hand to his lower back and the other to her forehead.

"That's cute. Shit's real cute. He take money from you a lot?" Barry asked as he leaned his weight on one forearm to run his fingertips over his top lip.

"Not a lot. Sometimes. Mostly takes it from dad, but he asks for money a lot more often now. I'm assuming it's to pay you." She replied softly.

"Some of it. Your brother got a nice new bike out there and he still runnin' up a tab with me, so..." Barry trailed as he placed his hand back down beside her on the bed.

"Don't get me started on that stupid dirt bike." She sighed as she rolled her head back on the sheets.

"Listen, I'm gonna go. I can hear him pacing outside that fucking door. But don't let him take your money, T.C." Barry winked before he gave her a quick kiss on her lips and pulled himself off the bed, heading back towards the window.

"Fuck you, Barry." She whined with a pout, sitting up on the bed to watch him leave.

"Next time." He grinned, flashing her his gold tooth.

*

It had been close to one week since the night Rafe had caught Barry in his little sister's room, and since then his debt had grown exponentially. Rafe felt overwhelmed and reckless as he entered the combination to his father's wall safe. Perhaps that's why he got caught.

"Dad, I swear I learned my lesson. Okay? Let's not do this. Please." Rafe begged from the front seat of his father's S.U.V as they idled out front of Barry's house.

"Stay in the car." Ward ordered as he unbuckled his seat belt and opened his door.

Ward Cameron walked up the dirt path, lit by the lights of his vehicle and pulled his wallet from his back pocket. He saw the young man sitting at the fire pit, a bottle of liquor in his hand.

"Are you Barry?" He called as he opened his wallet and began to count the bills.

"Might be. You lost?" Barry asked as he took a swig of the whiskey in his hand and looked over the clean cut older man standing a few feet in front of him.

"No. My son Rafe owes you money. I'm here to pay his tab." Ward replied with a shake of his head as he pulled out the wad of cash, and folded it in half.

"Big Daddy Cameron, huh?" Barry smirked as he stood up from his chair and took a few steps towards Ward.

"That should cover it. Don't sell my son drugs anymore." Ward growled as he tossed the cash on the ground at Barry's feet and turned to walk away.

"Got no problem not selling drugs to your delinquent son. But it's your daughter who might have a problem staying away from me." Barry replied his stance strong as he watched Ward Cameron stop dead in his tracks, his back rigid.

"Sarah?" Ward asked as he turned around, his eyes wide as he looked the dealer up then down.

"You forget you have more than one daughter, don't you? Talking about the little one. Think Rafe calls her...T.C?" Barry replied as he pushed his hands into his pockets.

Ward Cameron ran a shaky hand over his beard as he continued to stare at Barry. He turned to leave, but changed his mind and stalked back over to him, and stood directly in front of the shorter man.

"Stay away from my family. My son and especially my daughter." Ward growled a finger pressed into Barry's chest before he turned on his heel and stomped back towards the S.U.V.

"Big Daddy Cameron." Barry scoffed with a shake of his head as he crouched down to pick up the bills on the ground. He knew he had just lit a match under the Cameron patriarch, but he was fine with it.

Back at Tannyhill Rafe walked quickly into the house and up the stairs, his head hung low as he blinked back tears. He walked passed each of his sisters' rooms towards his own, stopping at the one of the left.

"T.C, better gear up. Dad knows about Barry. He's coming upstairs. Fire is lit." Rafe grumbled with a sniff and then made his way towards his bedroom with a slam of his door.

"What do you mean dad knows about - Hi, daddy." She mumbled as she scrambled off the bed after her brother, only to be met in the doorway by a livid Ward Cameron.

"How long?" Ward asked as he tried to keep his voice even, despite the way his body shook with pure anger. He had one daughter running around on The Cut, a son stealing from him to pay for his drug habit, and now his other daughter - his baby - was sleeping with that drug dealer.

What had he done wrong?

"Since I got home from school. Rafe introduced us at a party." She replied softly, avoiding her father's gaze.

"Are you snorting that shit like Rafe is?" Ward asked, his voice just a whisper and terrified.

"No, dad. I'm not. I swear. It's not like that with Barry. He likes me. He likes me a lot, and we're just hanging out together." She replied quickly as she reached for her father, her hands on his wrists that hung at his sides.

"But you're sleeping with him." Ward scoffed with a glare down at her. So tiny. Just like her mother. Everything about her reminded him of his first wife.

"I...I mean, yes. We're sleeping together. I go and visit him, and he comes over here sometimes." She nodded with a squeeze of his wrists.

"T.C, he comes here? To my house?" Ward glared down at his daughter.

"Dad, I -"

"I can't look at you right now." Ward grumbled as he pulled his wrists from her grip, rubbed his face and walked out of her bedroom, down the hall to his office.

"Shit." She whispered, pushing her hands through her hair. She walked back into her room, over to her desk and grabbed her bag. She walked over to her window, slid it open as quietly as she could and climbed out.

The knock at Barry's door was a surprise. He was expecting no visitors. He slowly raised his body up from the tattered couch, grabbed his gun from the waistband of his pants and walked cautiously to the front door.

"What you want?" He yelled, gun raised.

"It's me, you ass." Her sad voice sobbed back with a slam of her fist against the door once again.

"Fuck." Barry sighed as he reached for the several locking mechanisms on his door and let her in.

"What the fuck did you say to my dad!" She cried with a push of his strong chest.

Barry stood in the doorway and took each hit to the chest. He knew he may have overstepped a boundary or two that night, telling Ward Cameron he was sleeping with his daughter. But, he didn't like to have people come up to his home uninvited, telling him what to do and who to see. So he bit back.

"Stop. Listen to me. He came over here with your brother in the car, tossed money at me and told me to stop selling to Rafe." Barry muttered as he grabbed her wrists then held them against his chest to keep her close.

"And what did you say?" She struggled in his arms and looked up at him with those eyes that were all Cameron. He wished he didn't like them so much.

"I told him that was fine, but he might have an issue keeping his little girl out of my bed." Barry replied with a slight smirk, his gold tooth taking hold of his bottom lip.

"That isn't funny, Barry." She pouted up at him as she struggled to pull her wrists from his grip.

"It's a little funny."

"My dad is livid, Barry! Rafe is holed up in bedroom doing and thinking who knows what. And I - " She pulled her wrists from his grasp and stepped into his small home, beginning to pace.

"They ain't an issue for you anymore. Rafe's tab is paid, and now Big Daddy Cameron knows about us. So, I don't know what's got your panties in such a twist. But you should take them off if they're bothering you so much." Barry muttered as he ran his fingertips over his top lip, and leaned against the door frame as he watched her.

"No. I'm mad at you." She whispered as she crossed her arms over her chest, looking at him with a furrowed brow.

"Nipples say otherwise." Barry muttered with a point to her chest, pushed up under her forearms.

"Don't!" She whined as she covered her breasts from his view.

She was mad at him. It was the first time in the few weeks they had been dating she had felt angry with him. She scowled as she looked him up then down as he stayed leaned up against the door frame. The both of them challenging the other to make the first move.

"Well, are you staying the night or did you just come to yell at me and flash your nipples in my fucking face?" Barry grunted as he pushed himself off the door frame and slowly made his way towards the back of the house, slipping his gun back in the waistband of his pants.

"They aren't in your face." She mumbled but followed him towards his bedroom with a shuffle of her feet.

Barry sat on the edge of the bed, pulling the gun from the waistband of his pants and placing it delicately on his nightstand. He spread his knees and beckoned her over with a wave of his hand.

"I'm mad at you." She stated with her arms crossed over her chest still, looking him over. She did as instructed, though, walking over to his slowly and stood between his knees.

"Well. I don't wanna be mad at you." Barry replied as he placed his hands on her hips to pull her against his chest.

"You shouldn't have said those things to my dad, Barry." She whispered as she uncrossed her arms and placed her palms on his shoulders.

"I was right, wasn't I? You busted out the house and now you're here with me, ain't you?" Barry grinned up at her as his fingertips pushed up the hem of her shirt to touch her skin, still warm from her bike ride over.

"Well, yeah. But that doesn't mean you have to say it to my dad. Asshole." She pouted as she slapped his chest playfully before she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I could have said way worse shit to him than that. Like how you liked to be tied up." Barry chuckled as he placed his hands on her backside and raised his eyebrows at her. He grabbed at her elbows, lifting her arms from around his neck and held her arms behind her back.

"Barry." She whined as she dropped her forehead to his.

"Guess I'll save that one for next time." Barry muttered as he kept his grip on her arms behind her back strong, but leaned in to press his lips to hers.

"Be nice to me." She pouted against his lips as she struggled weakly in his grip.

"No. You gotta make up for your dad coming in and fucking up my night." Barry smirked as he held her wrists behind her back with one hand as the other reached to the front of her shirt, pushing it beneath her breasts.

"I knew you had a daddy kink, Barry. But if you wanna fuck my dad that's a deal breaker for me." She grinned as she squirmed in his grip.

"Get on your hands and knees. Tiny Cameron." Barry growled as he let her wrists go and slapped her backside firmly.

"Ow! Fuck you." She whined as she crawled over his lap and onto the bed.

"About time." Barry mumbled as he stood up, turning the face the bed to see her back arched the way liked. He ran his thumb over his top lip and smiled softly to himself.

He wasn't going to stop selling to Rafe Cameron, that was something Rafe had to decide for himself. And he certainly wasn't going to stop seeing or sleeping with the girl currently in his bed, wiggling her ass at him for his attention.

Ward Cameron would have to kill him first.

Hottie List: @starkey-babie @sodasback @fashion-fasting @barrysjumpsuit @beauvibaby @professional-busboy @soph0864 @vinniehcker

*tag list still open if you'd like to be added - just let me know! Please let me know what you think if you have a moment! Thank you so much! xoxo

Requests for OBX ARE OPEN!

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook: Aggressor 🔞 (3)

In which Jungkook doesn't care what needs to be done, or what bones need to be broken. He'll do anything, if it means he gets to put food on the table- and gets to keep you safe. He promised, after all.

Tags/warnings: violence, angst, blood and wounds, mentions of abandonment and homelessness, bounty hunter!Jungkook, guns, wanted!Reader, crimes, murder, reader canceled someone's life subscription in self defense oops, jungkook is a little cold but he's soft inside trust me, I know it doesn't seem like it, there is a little fluff if you squint, put your contacts in its there I promise, swearing, listen it's not a children's tale haha, smut, protected bc yes, we wrap it even as criminals, handjob in a bathroom oops², dark humor, Jeon Bam as the best bodyguard of all times

Additional Chapter Warnings: someone gets shot through the eye oops, mentions of past domestic abuse, attempted harm against the oc

<< Previous

Men are like dogs, in your eyes.

Everyone always has their own goals, and doesn't care about anything else than primal needs, it seems. Thats why you're running yet again, not sure where to. The surroundings are unfamiliar, and you've never been that far out the town, making it hard to navigate where to exactly flee to. Whoever the guy was that was supposed to take you somewhere else, he wasn't a good man at all.

Not like him.

But he was nowhere near, there was no way he'd ever cross paths with you at all in this wasteland. And maybe thats where you belonged instead, as you crouched down to hide in the woods, a hand suddenly grabbing your back, pulling you towards him by your dress. He freezes as his phone rings- carefully deciding it seems if he should take the call or not. "Whatever." He simply says instead, declining it before he pulls you back to where his car is parked, your struggles futile considering how tired and exhausted you already were.

You dont even remember anything after being thrown in the backseat again- the door never shutting, the car never starting to drive.

Because back at his home, Jungkook feels like something's.. off.

Maybe it was his knowledge of people, maybe it was that look Hansung gave you- but he felt as if it wasn't quite right. He pulled out his phone after a little while, trying to check in with him to ask where he was- but when the call declines twice, he knows something's not right. That was not part of the deal he had with him. He was supposed to drop you off and stay in touch until he'd done that- in twenty minutes, there was no way he'd managed to drive that far to finish what he'd tasked him with.

That fucking bastard sure had a death wish.

On his bike, he keeps an eye on the street, not for traffic. He's looking for any sign of the battered car Hansung drove, any sign of you or him so he could clear his mind, find rest, and let this all behind him. He really didn't need any distractions when it came to his job.

And there he saw him, pushing your struggling form back into the car.

Now, Jungkook wasn't a good person- not in the slightest. But even he had limits as to what he could let slide. And one of those things was what seemed to happen right in front of him- something he knows just too well. It never happened to him, but he remembers his parents years back, remembers the broken wine bottle he'd used to defend her as a mere child, remembers how mad his father had gotten.

He remembers how his mother had cried that day, begging him to spare the young Jungkook in his rage.

A hand reaches for Hansung's grimy hair- pulling him out even when he yells out in pain. Pushed to the ground, his boot angrily places itself onto his chest, successfully making him unable to quite breath as he coughs, jungkooks weight fully ontop of him as he hears a rib Crack underneath the sole of his foot. But he's too occupied loading his gun, carefully so, as if he wants to enjoy this. "You know.." he says lowly, before the gun gets pointed at him- squatting down to place the cold metal directly onto Hansung's closed left eye. "I'm a nice guy." He says with an emotionless smile. "Thats why I won't just shoot you like the rat you are." He tells him, before he readies the gun, lips turning upwards as Hansung starts to breath heavier- seemingly realizing what's about to happen. "I'll let fate decide- and if you manage to survive?" He wonders, before leaning his head to the side. "You'll be a walking warning sign, my friend." He hums out, before he shoots the bullet- sending it straight through his eye into the ground underneath his head, making him yell out at the pain.

He helps you out the car, pushing your face away from the man on the ground, gasping from the pain he's in- while jungkook says nothing, but simply sits ontop of his bike, you in front of him, legs over his thighs while you rest your face into his chest.

Seems like he won't really get rid of you that easily.

[ohbuckie]

when talking about serious things on the podcast bucky talks about the night he lost his virginity and then when he had sex for the first time with his first serious girlfriend and then his first time with a guy and then his first time with you and how they have all been sex. but each time has different feelings attached to them. (does that make any sense). like with you he was excited and already knew that you would be an important person in his life and with the guy it was shame and guilt and how he cried in his car after because he hated himself for enjoying it because it's wrong and just things like that

i think he talks about feeling intimidated but ultimately relieved when he lost his virginity, since the girl he lost it to was a couple of years older than him and had more experience but he was really eager to just get it out of the way and sort of start to figure out what he was doing. he says he sort of wishes he could go back and hold off because he was barely fifteen and he rushed into it and bc of the general pressure to be having sex he developed this really unhealthy relationship with it and was having it with a bunch of people that he didn't want to be/probably shouldn't have been.

+ with his first serious girlfriend he'd only slept with two or three people by then and he waited a few weeks to fuck her because he really liked her and wanted her to know that he wanted something serious. and then he talks about how special having sex with somebody you love is and how even though he doesn't love her like that anymore (obviously) he's really grateful for her bc they're still on good terms and she really supported him and helped him grow as a person and especially as a sex-having human being. and he talks about how sex with YOU is so good whether it's sloppy drunk sex after you get home from the club or it's sweet and gentle in the morning or it's hard and fast because you can't keep your hands off of each other and he just thinks you're so totally perfect for him in every way. he's like 'we're just so, so, so into each other. i don't think anything could really ruin that. i trust her more than anyone on the planet, i would legitimately let her do anything to me in bed not just because i think she's so hot but because i don't think she'd ever do anything that wouldn't feel good for me. it'd always feel good because she's that one doing it.'

+ i love what you've said about the guy thing. i think he definitely carried (and probably still carries) a lot of shame about his sexuality bc of related trauma and the first time he slept with a guy was enthusiastically consensual and felt really good but he still bawled his eyes out in the car before driving himself home because he felt so guilty about it and that sort of lingering shame prevented him from being able to enjoy sex with other guys very much.

[petersasteria]

hope ur ok || holland!reader

sour masterlist || holland!reader || sour taglist

3,637 words tw: sad shit bc spoiler: someone dies, italics are flashbacks, bold is a letter i don't have a holland reader banner so i used the olivia banner instead. also, sorry for the delay of posting this lmao

* * * *

You were in your room, sitting on your bed as your eyes looked around. Your room was painted your favorite color and it made your brothers jealous because their rooms were painted white, it was boring. Yours had posters, polaroids of you and your siblings, fairy lights, a bean bag chair, and a simple full body mirror. You heard a knock on your door and you looked to see that it was Tom smiling brightly with a plate of your favorite cookies.

“Hey.” He said softly as he entered the room and shut the door behind him with his foot while balancing the plate of cookies in his hands.

“Hi.” You smiled.

“Sam kicked me out of the kitchen, but I was there first and fortunately, I finished the cookies on time. I hope they taste alright.” Tom said as he sat beside you, the plate of cookies in between you.

“They smell good, so you did a good job.” You chuckled. Tom took one cookie and looked at you, “Taste test.”

He took a bite and chewed it a few times before saying, “It tastes alright. It’s not like how Sam makes it, but I’m not Sam. I’m Tom.”

Both of you erupted into a fit of giggles as you talked about random things. The plate of cookies were now on your bedside table and only half of the cookies were eaten.

“Hey, how’s your friend?” Tom asked casually. Both of you were laying on your bed, facing the ceiling.

“Which friend?”

“The blond one who had one hell of a musical talent.” Tom said. “He used to come here and play on Sam’s piano.”

“Oh, James! I don’t really know what happened to him. We, uh, fell out of touch.”

“I see.” Tom said. “I hope he’s okay.”

“Same here.” You told him. “My friend, Madeline, got a scholarship last time I checked. She got accelerated in school and she got to attend uni ahead of us. I’m really proud of her, y’know?”

“Where is she now?” Tom asked.

You looked at Tom with sorrow in your eyes. He glanced at you and he could see how hurt you were. “We don’t talk...anymore. We used to. She’s basically like a sister to me, but we don’t talk anymore. Regardless, I’m really happy for her and I miss her. Wherever she is, I hope she’s alright.”

Suddenly, there was a knock on your door and Tom sat up quickly. The door opened and revealed Sam. “Hey, it’s time to eat dinner. You’re washing the dishes tonight, Tom!” Sam said before leaving.

“That little shit.” Tom laughed. “C’mon, Y/N. Let’s eat!” He got up from your bed and you followed suit with worry and concern in your eyes. You shook your head and shrugged it off. What you’ll say can wait.

Both of you went down to join everyone on the dining table. You sat in your usual seat, but didn’t contribute in the conversation. You were just happy to be there. You looked around and saw how happy your brothers were. You looked at your parents and saw them smiling. It was a beautiful sight to see. After all, all you wanted was for them to be happy. They deserve to be happy.

Harry and Tom cleaned up as you watched them help each other. “Next time, we should cook Y/N’s favorite dinner.” Tom said. Harry looked at him and shrugged, “Why not? I never liked it, but I’m sure she’d appreciate it very much.”

The next few days were spent with Tom. He never left your side and he made sure you were alright. You were the youngest and as the eldest Holland child, he made it his job to look after you. He wasn’t close with you before, but somehow as you grew older, it changed. Tom was now excited to spend time with you. He loved talking to you and he loved laughing with you. In his opinion, you make his stress and worries fade away.

Your birthday is coming up and he wanted everything planned out. He already had plans, actually. He knew what cake you wanted, he knew what decorations to put up, he planned the food, and he even had a theme in mind. He was really prepared. Paddy had to go with Tom in town just to buy balloons. Tom was really going all out.

“Are you going to help me set up tonight? Y/N’s birthday is tomorrow and I want her to be surprised when she wakes up. I can already imagine her face.” Tom smiled excitedly as he parked the car in the driveway.

“I can’t help you tonight. I have homework.” Paddy said as he looked at Tom who just shrugged. “Alright. No problem. Stay in school, Pads.” Tom smiled before exiting his car with Paddy following him.

They walked in and Tom saw you sitting on the arm of the couch with Sam and Harry. Tom smiled at the sight. “Hey, guys!” He greeted, causing the three of you to look at Tom and Paddy.

“Wow, you went shopping for a lot of things.” Harry pointed out.

“Yeah, what’s up with that?” Sam asked with a grin.

“Nothing.” Tom smirked. “I’ll put these in my room.” Tom left and went upstairs to his room as Paddy walked to the couch and sat next to you. You looked at Paddy and smiled. You weren’t close with him, but you loved him dearly. You were only one year younger than him and he was always kind to you and you liked hanging out with him.

You looked at Sam and Harry and you held back a chuckle as you watch them annoy each other. It was a lovely sight to see.

Night time came and dinner was over a few hours ago. You were just standing in your backyard feeling the wind blowing and you knew that something was about to happen. You just didn’t know what. The backdoor opened and you turned around to see Tom with a small smile.

“What’re you doing out here? It’s cold.” He said as he tugged his jacket closer. He walked towards you and stood beside you. “What’s on your mind?”

You shrugged, “Nothing. I guess I’m just tired. I think I’ll rest now.”

Tom nodded. He suddenly remembered his plan and said, “Yeah, you can go upstairs now. I, uh, prepared your room.”

“Thank you.” You smiled at him. You walked towards the back door and stopped to turn around to look at Tom. He was already looking at you and you said, “I- Good night, Tom.”

“Good night, Y/N. Sweet dreams.” He smiled sweetly. You opened the door and walked in and went straight up the stairs to your room.

Tom stayed outside for a minute before walking in. He locked the back door and went to the living room where his brothers were. “Hey, guys! Ready to decorate?” Tom asked with a huge smile on his face. It was evident that he was excited.

“What’re you talking about?” Sam asked, looking at Tom with a confused face.

“Yeah, what’s happening?” Paddy questioned.

Tom scoffed and crossed his arms, “How could you guys forget?! It’s our sister’s birthday tomorrow and you guys aren’t preparing at all!”

Tom was yelling as the rest were looking at him sadly. Sam’s eyes were clouded with tears as he looked at Tom. Harry and Paddy looked at Sam, not wanting to be the ones to remind Tom. Sam sighed and closed his eyes and his tears fell. He wiped his tears and opened his eyes to face Tom.

“Tom, mate, she’s dead.” Sam said softly. “She’s been dead for two months now.”

“W-What are you talking about?” Tom shook his head slowly. He looked away from Sam and he saw you standing behind Sam. “She’s right there, Sam! She’s literally right behind you! How can you not see it?!”

“Tom, stop! She’s gone, okay?!” Harry exclaimed. “Y/N’s not here! She won’t be here anymore and it’ll be that way forever. We just have to accept that.”

“It was leukemia, Tom. She didn’t make it and we had a funeral and everything.” Paddy said softly.

You were confined in the hospital for about a week now and you were getting weaker and weaker as the days went on. Your family was trying to be positive, but all of you knew that it was your time to go. Before you were confined, you had written letters for them to read after you die and it was now hidden in their drawers.

Tom and Harry weren’t there when you passed because they were in a different country. They immediately went home when they heard the news. All of you knew that you weren’t going to make it, but all of you ignored that fact. Everyone except Tom was grieving. He held his mother as she cried and he stayed strong for his brothers. He couldn’t remember the last time he and his brothers slept in one room and he hated that they chose to do it again as soon as you were gone.

It was like a sleepover. They all talked about you and everything you did that the others didn’t know about. Turns out, you had secrets you shared with everyone except Tom.

“Wait, she told you guys about her secrets?” Tom asked that night.

“Yeah.” Harry nodded, eyes bloodshot from all the crying. “If something happens to her, she tells the first person she sees.”

“She never told me anything.” Tom stated.

“That’s because you’re the eldest. No one tells people about themselves to the eldest sibling.” Paddy answered.

“That’s unfortunate.” Tom frowned. “I wish I knew the things you knew.” He added.

“It’s alright, Tom. She didn’t have major secrets, anyway. Besides, she was just scared to tell you. That’s why she did that.” Sam explained.

Tom couldn’t sleep that night as he looked at his brothers. They were cuddled up next to each other and were fast asleep. Tom couldn’t help but think of you before finally drifting off. Days later, it was the funeral. The whole house was quiet and while your mum, Nikki, would appreciate it, for once in her life she wanted the noise. She wanted to hear boisterous laughing, heavy footsteps running up and down the stairs, yelling, the sound of Sam cutting vegetables, Dom’s loud typing, Paddy talking to his friend on the phone, Harry telling you to wake up and calling you a lazy bum for not being productive, and Tom playing with Tessa outside. Now, there was none of that.

When a husband or wife dies, the one they left behind is called a widow. When a child dies, what do you call their parents? No one’s ever come up with a word for that yet because it’s too painful to think about. You were young and you deserved all the best life has to offer. Nikki was devastated, but she knew that wherever you were, you aren’t in pain anymore and that was enough for her.

Tom wanted to scream, but he didn’t. He was numb. After the funeral, he and Harry decided to take a break from traveling to spend time with the rest of the family. He stopped working for a while and everyone understood that.

When they got home, Tom went straight to his room and cried. He cried and cried until no tears came out. His head ached, but he didn’t want to get up and get himself a glass of water. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table to ask Harry, but his phone died. Tom scoffed, sat up, and reached the drawer of his bedside table. He leaned over to look for his phone charger, but he saw a letter instead. It had his name on it and he realized that it was your handwriting. Tom quickly grabbed it and put his phone back on the bedside table. He opened the envelope and read what you wrote for him.

Dear Tom,

Hi. When you read this, you know that I'm gone. I'm sorry that we never got to bond a lot. I guess it's my fault because I was so scared of you. Despite that, I want you to know that I'm really happy for you and I'm proud of you.

You're my inspiration and please know that I'm very proud to be your sister.

I don't know where I'll end up when I'm gone, but please don't worry about me. I'll be okay, I can feel it. I'll just go where the wind takes me.

You're a kind person for the whole time I've known you. I'll miss everything and I'll miss your pranks and jokes. Please never stop doing those just because I'm gone. I hope you think of me whenever you tell a joke or pull a prank on Harry again.

I wish we bonded more. I wish we made cookies until Sam kicked us out of the kitchen because he needed to prepare for dinner. I wish we watched movies together and I wish we spoke often.

I'll miss you all the time and I love you. So much. Never forget that.

Your sister,

Y/N/N x

Tom cried again until he slept with the letter resting on his chest. The next morning, he got up to go to your room. He dreamt of you and he wanted to tell you about it. He glanced at the door and noticed that it was unlocked. He slowly opened it and to his surprise, he saw you standing there watching everyone outside from your window.

“Y/N.” Tom said.

You turned around and smiled at him, “Hey, Tom.”

“I dreamt of you! And in my dream, you were a ballet dancer. We did ballet together. Wouldn't that be something? It could be a bonding thing for us." Tom said with a big smile as he fully entered your room. All of a sudden, he forgot about your sickness, your death, your sickness. From an outsider's point of view, it was a sad sight to see. He was clearly in the denial stage.

Harry was on his way downstairs when he heard a voice coming from your room. He quietly opened the door and saw Tom excitedly talking to thin air.

"You know, I'm not doing anything anytime soon. Why don't we go out? It'll just be you and me, Y/N." Tom smiled. Harry's heart broke upon hearing this. His older brother was imagining their dead sister. Harry kept it to himself because he thought that Tom was coping that way.

It wasn't until Sam witnessed the same thing. Tom was in the kitchen and he was talking to thin air once more. Sam watched as Tom laughed and said a bunch of things. Sam kept it to himself too.

Paddy, however, was different. He went to Harry and Sam's room, unannounced. He closed and locked the door behind him as the twins looked at him in confusion.

"Okay, I can't be the only one to notice it." Paddy said with arms crossed.

"What're you talking about?" Harry asked.

"Tom." Was all Paddy said. The twins looked at each other before looking back at Paddy.

"What about him?" Sam asked, his eyebrows were raised a bit.

"Tom told me that he'll bake Y/N's favorite cookies tomorrow because Y/N said she was craving for it." Paddy explained.

"I saw Tom talking to thin air the day after the funeral. He was in Y/N's room." Harry confessed.

"I saw him doing that too, but he was in the kitchen this time. I'm worried about him." Sam said.

"What should we do?" Harry asked with a frown on his face.

"Let's just let him be for a while. Let’s just intervene when it gets out of hand.” Sam decided as the other two nodded.

They just let Tom be until they had enough.

Tom couldn't believe what his brothers were telling him. He felt sick to his stomach. His baby sister was gone and the thought of it ate him alive. He shook his head and Sam said, “Tom, everything will be alright. We’ll get through this together. We’ll be fine.”

“That can’t be true. I’ve been speaking to her. Stop fucking lying.” Tom cried.

“Tom, wake up! She’s not here, alright?! She’s not in her room anymore. Her things will forever be untouched and her books will be dusty. Her phone hasn’t been charged since she died and it’ll stay that way. All we have left are pictures, videos, and memories of her. We should accept that because no matter what happens, we can’t bring her back!” Harry said as his voice was raised.

“Just go to bed, mate. You’re tired.” Paddy said softly. “We’ll deal with this in the morning.”

Tom wiped his tears and went up to his room, slamming the door. He went to sleep and dreamt of you again. Both of you were on top of a small hill and the wind was blowing softly.

“Why can’t they see you?” Tom asked you.

“Because I only showed myself to you. I know that we haven’t been really close and I figured you’d want some kind of closure. In truth, I’m only here because of you. The light has been calling me and they want me to leave already, but I can’t because I know you’d be sad. I hate seeing you sad.” You explained.

“Then stay here.” Tom begged, but you shook your head.

“You need to let me go, Tom. It’s time. I can’t stay here forever.” You chuckled lightly.

“I just- I feel like nothing. When you were around, I felt like I had a purpose. Now, I just wish I could be with you.” He admitted.

“Don’t say that. Imagine how everyone will react if you’re gone. They’ll be upset. I’m so proud that you’re alive and well because you’ll get to go on with life and grow old. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for me. Live the life I never got to live. Trust me when I say that you’ll be happier when you move on.”

“I don’t want to forget you and I don’t want you to think that we’re having fun without you.” He said.

“I won’t think that way because all I ever wanted for all of you is to be happy and healthy. I love you and I miss you, but I want you to have fun and to keep doing everything you love. Don’t stop because I’m gone. Don’t let me be a hindrance because that’ll make me sad and I’ll haunt you forever.” You said as Tom chuckled. “Besides, you don’t have to forget about me. I’ll always be in your heart.”

“Alright.” Tom said. “I think I’m ready to let you go.”

You smiled and nodded as you walked away and stepped into the light. Tom shouted, “Happy birthday, Y/N!”

You looked back and smiled. With that, he knew you were thanking him not just for greeting, but also for everything.

Tom woke up and it was already morning. He decided to get ready and to head to the cemetery. He walked downstairs and saw his brothers eating breakfast.

“Where are you going?” Harry asked before eating his cereal.

“The cemetery. It’s Y/N’s birthday.” Tom said. “I’ll go now. I don’t know what time I’ll be back.”

Tom left and the drive to the cemetery was short and quiet. He parked the car and walked to your grave. He smiled when he saw a small, framed picture of you that Harry placed there not too long ago. He sat in front of your grave and smiled, “Hey, Y/N. I know you can hear me.”

“I guess I did look crazy for a while and I now understand how everyone felt. I, um, I read your letter. I’m sorry too, y’know? I’m sorry I never made the effort to spend time with you. I guess it’s because all my life, I’ve only known about having brothers and when you came along, I didn’t know how to act. But I’m really happy that I got to see you grow up and I’m happy with our few moments together.”

“When you were five, I was fourteen. It’s a wide gap and I remember being so annoyed because your toys were everywhere.” He chuckled at the thought. “Regardless, I loved you and I still do. I’m happy that you grew up to be kind and loving. I’m really fucking happy for that.”

“In your letter, you said that I shouldn’t worry about you. Y/N, I’m sorry, but I can’t promise that. I’m your older brother and that automatically makes me sort of like a second parent especially when mum and dad aren’t around. So, I’ll always worry about you even though I know you’re okay and not in pain.”

“I do, however, promise to always dedicate my pranks to you. I know you’d love that. I’d wish that we bonded, but we already did that. You gave me a chance to get to know the sister I never got to know and that, above all, makes me so happy and grateful. That’s enough for me.”

“I don’t want to say cheesy shit and ask for guidance. I don’t want to burden you in heaven. Like, it’s called a resting place for a reason and I want you to rest easy. I just want to say that I miss you so much and I love you. Happy birthday.” He finished.

Just then, he felt the wind blow in his direction and he knew that you were okay.

* * * *

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