#I could say it all again but movies amv speaks for me I think…….

[kellyscabin]

love how we’ve all made our points so now it’s just like ‘as per my post 3 years ago…..’

[ranma-rewatch]

Episode 7: Enter Ryoga, the Eternal ‘Lost Boy’

Hey, it’s Ranma Rewatch, I’m on episode 7, and I don’t want to waste too much time with the preamble. I am super excited for this episode, my boi is here, I really hope it holds up, see you after I watch it again!

That wasn’t exactly how I remembered it, but not in a bad way. The episode starts with a short scene that has become pretty freaking iconic, and has been sampled in dozens, if not hundreds, of AMV’s: A man cloaked from head to toe, walking through a desert, his eyes barely visible under goggles. It is a really cool shot that catches the eye right away.

We cut from that to that same person approaching a small village, deciding to throw off his concealing clothes to reveal his typical yellow and green outfit, with a bandanna around his head and an umbrella on his back, which he takes out to slow down his descent when he jumps off a cliff. This village happens to be being attacked by a huge wild boar, wrecking everything in its way, but this fellow is able to stop the animal with little effort and send it flying. When the grateful villagers approach, he only has one question for them: where is Furinkan High School?

At first they don’t understand the question, until they look at what he has for a map and realize it’s of Tokyo. The problem is, this young man is on Shikoku, a completely different island in the archipelago. They point him in the right general direction, and he reveals before the scene ends that he is specifically trying to find Ranma Saotome.

Speaking of the show’s titular character, we get a small scene of him in his cursed form being blackmailed by Nabiki into wearing women’s clothes because all of his stuff is in the wash. After that, we get another scene of the mysterious umbrella-wielding stranger asking someone for directions to Furinkan High School, but this time he’s in Hokkaido. Once again a completely different island, only this time on the opposite end. Fun fact: Hokkaido was the inspiration for Sinnoh in Pokemon!

We get another small cut-away to Ranma in various outfits, then another of our new character somehow ending up back in that village he was in earlier. The point is being made clear to us: he is terrible at getting where he wants to go, but is also so inhumanly strong and resilient that he has no trouble surviving in the wilderness in the process.

What seems to be the next day, he finally gets to where he’s going, just as school is letting out for the day. Ranma is being chased by Akane for something, though we don’t know exactly what. (Of course, we know their dynamic well enough by now to know it’s almost certainly something Ranma did to annoy her.) The newcomer slams into the ground where Ranma is landing at the same time, leaving a crater in the cement from the force of his landing, all while screaming how Ranma has to die.

The problem is, Ranma has no clue who this guy is, which pisses him off to know end. Even after he brings up that his vendetta has something to do with Ranma never showing up for a duel, Ranma still struggles (and fails) to remember this guys name, but luckily he gives it to Ranma anyway: Ryoga Hibiki. They went to Junior High together, and they’d agreed upon a duel, but it never happened because Ranma wasn’t there when Ryoga arrived.

Now, Ranma protests that he waited in the agreed upon empty lot for three days before taking off for China with his dad, which is honestly more time than most people would have waited. As we already know though, Ryoga can’t seem to get anywhere quickly, so he got there on the fourth day. Oh, and the lot was right behind his house.

The crowd of students who only moments before considered him with awe over his fantastic martial arts abilities are now looking at him like a buffoon, and Ryoga is ready to get his revenge on Ranma already. But Ranma puts a pause on that, runs out, and comes back with a bunch of different kinds of bread. Why? Because bread was the reason for their duel in the first place. Their school was only for boys, and getting food at lunch was a nightmare. Ranma ended up snatching the last piece of bread just before Ryoga could get it time and time again, and all the bread he brought was one of each type he’d taken years before.

But Ryoga doesn’t care about that, making it clear that the bread isn’t something he cares about anymore, that Ranma has put him through hell, even if Ranma has no clue what he’s talking about. But before they can get a proper fight going, Ranma runs away, losing Ryoga enough that when he starts busting up the school looking for him, he ends up going the wrong way and out of the area entirely, leaving Ranma and Akane to wonder where he went. We do get to see where before the episode ends: once again back in that village that had the boar problem, where he gets a meal before running out into the evening to find Ranma once more.

Like I said before, this episode wasn’t entirely how I remembered it. Namely, there was a lot more humor than I remembered. For the most part, that’s not a bad thing, there was actually some really good comedy, and I don’t feel like it trampled over the more serious parts of the episode.

If it isn’t clear, I am going to say right now that I did still love this episode. The animation was really on-point, some of the visuals of Ranma darting around people or the brief combat he gets with Ryoga just looks beautiful. Also, even though we don’t get a fight between the two just yet, it’s already solidly communicated, through Ryoga easily beating the boar, barreling through steel barriers, and hitting the ground so hard it destroys concrete, that he is strong as hell.

As much as I love the opening desert shot, I actually think my favorite part of the episode is some of the conversation between Ranma, Akane, and Ryoga. Ranma straining his brain to remember who Ryoga is killed me. It was weirdly relatable too, I’m sure many of us have run into someone who obviously knows us, while we can’t even remember how we know them, let alone their name. The fact Ranma actually specifically bought one of each bread he’d taken from Ryoga before was kind of cute, more than I expected of the usually flippant martial artist.

There’s also an exchange I’ve seen on Tumblr a few times in screencaps and gifs, and there’s a reason people love to share it. When Ryoga says he’s going to destroy Ranma’s happiness, there’s this shot of him freaking out, only to turn to Akane and blankly ask if he is happy, to which Akane doesn’t understand why he’s asking her. They take such a trope-y line from a character seeking revenge and turn it around into a really good joke.

There was also a really interesting thing I noted in terms of translation. After hearing about the string of times Ranma stole bread from Ryoga, Akane makes an analogy to why it mattered so much, but it’s different from dub to sub. In the English Dub, she says the straws broke the camel’s back, a common phrase that seems to fit the situation. But in the English Sub, she says (loosely remembering) “enough dust can make a mountain”, and I think that actually fits much better. After all, we soon learned that the bread isn’t really why Ryoga is angry, but once you do know everything that happened that led to Ryoga’s rage, that analogy fits perfect: it isn’t so much one specific event, as a collection of small events that collected into an enormous vendetta.

All my compliments aside, I did have some issues with the episode. Some of the comedy didn’t really work for me, and that was most true with the early scenes of the Tendo girls trying to dress Ranma in Akane’s clothes. Some parts did make me chuckle, but on the whole the mini-plot made me uncomfortable. Primarily because, as I’ve said before, I feel like the best way to look at Ranma’s cursed form is as a trans man. Even though his body has changed, his gender hasn’t, he’s still a man. The scene has Ranma protesting again and again that he is a man, even as they try to dress him as a woman. The idea of some cisgender folks trying to force a trans man into women’s clothes just...isn’t very funny to me. It’s kind of terrible, at least from a more queer perspective. That complaint done, let’s do the character spotlight.

Oh come on, who else did you think I was going to do? If it isn’t clear yet, Ryoga Hibiki is my favorite character in the series, and he has been since I was a teenager. Who knows if that will remain true this entire watch-through, but so far I’m not liking him any less. I’ll get into why, but first let’s talk about his voice actors.

The voice actor I’m more familiar with, his English one, is Michael Donovan. Like most of the actors for this dub, he’s someone who worked with the Ocean Group for a lot of series around this time period. That said, if you’re a fan of the Fate franchise, he has done some voices in Ufotable’s recent anime adaptations, playing Risei Kotomine and Zouken Matou. In Japanese, his voice actor is one Kōichi Yamadera, and he continued the pattern of voice actors who are well-known in Japan for dubbing English works. He’s most well-known for dubbing over Jim Carrey in a lot of movies, but he’s done a ton of others as well. In anime, some of his notable roles include Spike Spiegel, Beerus in all the recent Dragon Ball movies and anime, and Gentle Criminal in My Hero Academia. Seriously, diving into this guy’s list of roles is like swimming in an ocean of great roles.

So, how do they do? Well, so far I’d say I like both of them a lot, but they do play Ryoga differently. At his core, Ryoga is actually kind of a perfect microcosm of the tone of the series itself. Ranma 1/2 is simultaneously a shonen battle anime, a romantic harem series, and a wacky comedy. Ryoga is someone who takes himself very, very seriously. His desire for vengeance against Ranma isn’t a joke, and neither is his ability as a martial artist. But he’s also a doofus who ends up crossing the length of Japan several times because he can’t follow directions properly and the reasons (so far) for his hatred of Ranma are completely laughable.

I wouldn’t say that Michael Donovan’s performance lacks seriousness, in fact when he wants Ryoga to sound menacing I think he does it well, but on the whole he leans more heavily towards the comedic parts of the character. Meanwhile, Yamadera’s Ryoga hasn’t really sounded silly once to me. He plays the character dead straight, and let’s the comedy come through in the contrast between that demeanor and the circumstances around him. We’ll have to see as we go, but I actually might be preferring the Japanese performance so far, a rarity for me.

Okay, so, why do I love Ryoga so much? There are SO many reasons, many of which I won’t go into just yet because I’ll save them for when they appear in-series. But there is still a lot shown in this episode that I feel I can discuss. To start with, I adore his design. I don’t mean the cloak and goggles, though those are absolutely awesome, I’m referring to his standard mode of dress. The yellow and green as a color scheme, with accents of black to top it off, is something really unique. I don’t know enough about art to really articulate why, but I just love every touch of his design. My favorite small touch has to be the yellow strands wrapping around his lower legs, clashing with his otherwise dark green lower half. I have no clue what they’re supposed to be for, but they just add something, almost making him look more rooted to the spot of wherever he’s standing, more solid.

That is a good word to use for Ryoga in general. Even though we haven’t gotten to see him in a proper fight just yet, we’ve seen quite a lot of evidence of his main attributes. In Dungeons & Dragons terms, Ryoga is making out his Strength and Constitution. He hits like a truck and he can be hit by a truck without slowing down. I love that because it contrasts so perfectly with Ranma’s strength: his speed and precision. I adore it when rival characters actually have qualities that make the fights between them more interesting from the contrast, and Ryoga fits the bill there quite well. He’s also a good foil in terms of personality: Ranma is easy going, likes screwing with people, and is quite quick-witted; Ryoga has a hot temper and a long memory for grudges, hates it when people trick him, and tends to let his emotions do the thinking for him.

I will say it feels like his character has some classic Early Installment Weirdness, as he uses his umbrella quite a bit in this episode. If I remember correctly, after his introductory arc, he doesn’t use his umbrella much at all for the rest of the show, preferring to rely on his fists. It definitely feels like they hadn’t quite nailed the character completely yet, if that makes any sense.

Ryoga is also doing that thing where he’s seeking revenge and really angry, but refuses to talk about why, drawing out the mystery as long as possible. While that trope can become annoying, I don’t really mind it in this case. This isn’t a situation like Godot from Ace Attorney, where Ryoga is purposefully hiding it for some grand plan or something, or to teach a lesson. Ryoga doesn’t go into specifics because A) he thinks Ranma should already know; B) Ryoga is very mad; and C) he doesn’t want anyone else to know his secret. I’m not saying it isn’t stupid that he doesn’t tell Ranma why he’s mad, but I am saying that it’s in-character.

Are you surprised that I adore this episode? You shouldn’t be, I’ve been gushing about it this whole time. Even with the parts I found more rough to watch, this is still my favorite episode of the series thus far, putting the rankings at:

Episode 7: Enter Ryoga, the Eternal ‘Lost Boy’

Episode 2: School is No Place for Horsing Around

Episode 6: Akane's Lost Love... These Things Happen, You Know

Episode 4: Ranma and...Ranma? If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another

Episode 5: Love Me to the Bone! The Compound Fracture of Akane's Heart

Episode 1: Here’s Ranma

Episode 3: A Sudden Storm of Love

The big question is: will the next episode of this four episode Ryoga arc be even better? We’ll find out next time with Episode 8: “School is a Battlefield! Ranma vs. Ryoga”. See you then!

[venus-says]

Futari wa Pretty Cure Max Heart Movies

Am I too late for the Oscars?

And we close the Futari wa rewatch with the movies for Max Heart. I wanted to post about these movies on my posts for Max Heart but for logistic reasons I couldn't, but I'm glad I watched these after the fact because it felt like a sweet treat after wrapping up the TV show. Also, it turns out I had more things to say about these movies than I thought I'd have so it's good that it happened like this.

Futari wa Pretty Cure Max Heart: The Movie

So, our first-ever Precure movie is... pretty damn bland. I'm not sure if it is because it's the first precure movie and they didn't really know what to do with it but was very boring at times. The plot wasn't good, the movie exclusive characters were completely uninteresting, and the performances of some of their VA's were doing a pretty bad job. I know I'm no one to judge but like, the queen of the Garden of Hope sounded robotic as hell, it was pretty uncomfortable to listen to her speak.

I think the only thing this movie has going for it is the action that it's pretty damn good throughout the entire movie, even in that super short first fight right at the beginning it was very cool to watch. My problem here comes from the fact that the power level felt really unbalanced, the Dark Witch felt way overpowered for them since the beginning they fought her or her minions around 4 times and the only time the precure had a victory was in the final battle so that felt really not well planned.

Another thing that shows a lack of planning is the fact that Luminous was completely shafted during this movie, and I get that by the time the movie was released only 10 episodes of the anime were out and Hikari was a part of the team for only 5 episodes or so, she was still very new and the crew could be reluctant of what to do with her, but still, she shouldn't have been left behind like that.

This was a very subpar movie and, aside from the girls' very pretty party dresses and the ending song, I didn't get a lot of enjoyment out of this movie. Thankfully this isn't the only movie under Max Heart's belt.

Futari wa Pretty Cure Max Heart The Movie 2: Friends of the Snow Sky

THIS MOVIE. IS ONE OF THE BEST PRECURE MOVIES OUT THERE. FOR SURE.

I know it's a bold statement to make, especially considering how early in this series I am, but honestly, this movie is just amazing. I watched it twice before writing this and I was a crying mess after both times. They probably learned from the first movie because they changed pretty much everything for this time around. You can say that the plot that makes this movie possible is just a copy and paste from Nagisa and Honoka's fight from Season 1, and despite hating seeing Nagisa being jealous of Honoka with Fujipi because that makes no fucking sense, I don't really mind that this is a reheated plot because what they do with it it's pretty damn awesome.

And I think here is where this movie completely overshadows the first one, because on top of having a good plot, and great animation and fighting scenes, this movie also has a theme and it works with this theme in both sides of the story. Both in Nagisa and Honoka's path and Hikari and Hinata's path the theme of friendship is touched and developed upon, and the culmination of it at the end is two great messages that I wish other shows focused on friendship would pass on more often, the first one is the message that friends can have fights and arguments aren't the end of a true friendship, and the second one is the fact that you can be friends with someone even if you're not together all the time. I feel like every time when I talk about something where the main focus is friendship I always have to bring up these two points up and y'all are probably tired of reading me say this, but there are points I really believe in and I feel like more often than not shows aimed at kids will go with the easy route and don't touch on these elements that to me are crucial.

Another great thing about this movie is the villains. Freeze and Frozen by themselves are whatever, you know? There's nothing much special about them, what makes their presence be so great is the fact that they're a duo that is in complete synchrony that is going head-on-head against another duo that is going through a hard time to keep their combo as strong. Again, it's not a completely new concept, but in this situation, it is done so well that it doesn't matter if it's a somewhat overused trope because what we get from it is a very strong and emotional conflict for these two characters that we love and hold dear.

This leads me to my next point, the Black vs White fighting scene. This was just as cool as I remembered, we have a lot of AMVs of this fight for a reason, but the scene wasn't just that, it also was VERY EMOTIONAL. Seeing these characters that I really love, that have a very good friendship, going against each other so aggressively and not holding back, and on top of that doing it not because they were being controlled but because that was a feeling that they already had in their hearts it's very strong, and it hits very hard. Seeing Black's efforts to not hurt White and a few moments later see her heart being "frozen" just as White's start to melt it's an image that's still encrusted in my mind and it'll probably stay here for quite a while. And especially when you consider their reconciliation scene that happens right after it, seeing them being honest with each other and literally raising from the bottom of a cave to above the clouds it made me realize just how much I care for them and I want them to be well and happy forever because they deserve it. It was truly special.

Another thing that this movie excels over the previous one is in how they use Hikari, she still doesn't appear as much as Nagisa and Honoka, but she has an actual journey in this movie. She starts meeting up with Hinata and she follows this path actively through-out the movie, even in situations where she knows she's she wouldn't succeed in combat she still was brave enough to go there and be an active part in this story. And this culminates with her, still in her indecisiveness about who she really is, giving a speech that makes her look like a true Queen and also serving as the sound of the reason that gives the message about friendship for both Pollun and Hinata on a very emotional scene that hit really hard in my heart.

Speaking of Hinata, she and the crew from the Garden of Clouds were way better characters than the guardians and the royal family from the Garden of Hope. I love how from her connection with Hikari she kinda sacrifices herself for the sake of saving Black and White despite having her bickerings with Nagisa because she wanted to name her something stupid. I also like that the "let's all give our power" moment wasn't used to help the precure but to bring Hinata's powers back and with Luminous' aid help her fully grow to the magical phoenix she was meant to be, I think they should've done more of this for the movies rather than Miracle Lights that grant new powers in a pinch.

And to conclude this review let me talk about the Phoenix forms. They are amazing, they look beautiful and very powerful, the way they fight while on it is very graceful, and its a way better power-up than the lazy gold forms they got on the other movie, and again the reason for this particular power-up happening is also very meaningful and it helps to have a way more memorability.

Putting it short, skip the first movie, watch the second one. Friends of the Snow Sky is a true masterpiece and a great movie that makes justice to the season it belongs to. So, what are your thoughts on the Max Heart Movies? Have you watched them recently? Let me know in the comments. Thank you so much for reading till this far, I really appreciate it. I'll see ya folks later, bye~

[sozotohakai]

15 QUESTIONS, 15 MUTUALS

Tagged by @moon--wake​ (thank you!)

⭑ are you named after anyone ?  

Technically yes, my mom was raised Christian though she grew apart from the religion itself (but not from her belief in God and angels), and when she learned she was getting a daughter (which she had desired but until me didn’t get), she named be Christelle, to be written like this (rather than Kristel for example), and it can be read as Christ+elle (elle being french she). This works perfectly for me too as it shortens to Chris, which is a more gender neutral name, which is rather fun considering mom wouldn’t have known back then I would realize I’m non binary.

Fun fact: my middle name is the same name from an aunt if I recall correctly, one of the few people from my father’s side of the family that mom did like.

⭑ when was the last time you cried ?  

This weekend, there was Doctor Who on TV and there was the episode with Doctor Donna so if you know it you know it’s the ending that made me cry. It didn’t help my mind start going “Yooo super angst Wangxian” and I yelled NOPE. Long story short: the episode deals with how the only way to save someone is to erase all memories of the time spend together (including meeting) and how they can’t come into contact with anything that could lowkey remind of said times. Now I’m not okay thinking of how the theme of having forgotten is heavy in DGM ouch.

⭑ do you have kids ?  

Nope, unless you count characters I created we always joke that with mom, they’re her grandchildren.

⭑ do you use sarcasm a lot ?  

Depends, it can come out of me at random times, its more likely to happen if I’m playing; or if I’m lacking sleep.

⭑ what’s the first thing you notice about people ?  

That is a good question...   It can vary? But mostly I feel like I take right away into the overall appearance, like... either to recognize them, or store them in my mind so I can hope to recognize them later. I don’t really (or not often) stop at a detail, it’s just, get a reading of the general appearance of someone. After that I pay attention to expressions and how they speak (which is funny to say since I have trouble with eye contact half the time).

⭑ what’s your eye color ?  

Brown

⭑ scary movie or happy ending ?

Happy ending, though tbh, I do kind of love scary movie, it’s just that I have troubles actually watching.

⭑ any special talents ?

Uuuuu, I guess, I’ve been told I’m good at emotional empathy? I’ve been able to know when someone felt low just by how they would write. That’s, I believe, the main reason I find my way with words (when I have time to think) because it’s heavily based on my empathy mixed with experience. Like, I feel so much what someone else is feeling, and that’s why I can come with up with words for them and their situation.

⭑ where were you born ?  

France

⭑ what are your hobbies ?  

Writing, reading, playing games, listening to music, watching videos (Markiplier, React, MMD&Vocaloid stuff, AMV&Anime mix videos, sometimes bloopers and funny stuff).

⭑ do you have any pets ?

I don’t, but my brother and his dad have a cat so he’s like my pet. His name is Grisou (gris = grey so it’s totally a cute naming of his fur colour), he’s playful and seems to view any approach as a signal to play (aka paw at you and try to nip), though he’ll get cuddly at times from what I heard. For my part, we’ve got this ritual that I’ll slowly approach my fingers so he sniffs them (unless I see him about to paw/bite so I dont even try), he lets me pet his head a tiny bit, and then I leave him alone. So he doesn’t try to paw or claw or nip at me because he knows I’ve learned to tell if he’s okay with an approach and when I should stop.

(Fun fact: one time he kind of accidentally hurt my leg, despite my pants he dug fangs and claws too deep and I ended up with a few cuts that bled, I was a bit scared that day and for the next few times I saw him, then I kind of hesitantly start to approach him again, and I think he picked up on it and that’s why he’s a bit more patient with me? I’m the only person he doesn’t straight up claw or paw or nip at, and the few times he does, it’s slow, and/or light).

⭑ what tattoos / piercings / body mods do you have ?  

None, sometimes I get the thought of having tattoos, but I’m not sure I’ll ever follow through. But probably if I did, I would got with a small tattoo first just to like, see? I once thought about wolf tattoo, but tbh if I get a tattoo one day, it’ll be a dragon. Oh gosh yeah, a small tattoo of an eastern dragon circling my wrist or maybe higher like close to elbow level, maybe on both side. And after that if I’d have the courage, a western dragon in the back (with feathers wing, I love my dragons with feather wings).

⭑ how tall are you ?  

5 ‘7~ I don’t think I’m that tall, but I’m amused because it seems like I’m taller than most of my friends. My brother is even taller than me, he’s 6′/6′1. Or because I’m squinting at the conversion, I’m ~172 cm (and he’s ~185 cm).

⭑ dream job ?

What I’m doing right now, which is work as an independant/freelance writer. Lemme be shameless for a tiny bit and link to my site too, since. Kind of fit with the question.

What’s funny is that, as a child, when it first start to float around, what will you be later, I loved dinosaurs so I thought, I’ll become a paleontologist. I stayed on this path until college, I could feel in me something off, there was nothing else that I could see myself do, so I stick to it, but in college I truly felt how much I just didn’t see myself become a scientist. And it’s totally all thanks to mom and my bro that I realized, hey, writer can be a job too. Then came the hilarious realization that I’ve always been writing or reading, mostly in/for school, but at the end of middle school I discovered fanfics and I never stopped writing&reading those since then (and later rping was added).

⭑ favorite subject at school?  

I’ve always enjoyed literature (no surprise here) though to be precise, here in France the subject is called “Français” and is a mix of learning grammar&spelling&punctuation, then all kind of things like analyzing books and poems. It was, in fact, a bit rarer to actually write a story ourself, as it was more about learning the french language and what is expressed in books. But in elementary school I did have a teacher that gave us a homework that was literally just “write a story” and I got an almost perfect mark (in my teacher word: the only reason you didnt was for the grammar&etc mistakes”). While in my mom words, years later, “that was the moment I knew you would become a writer”.

I also adored learning English, I think I do love learning languages in general, but the other languages I tried to learn (Latin for one year, Spanish), the teachers were... not helping. The Latin one was, bless her, good but boring (my mom literally almost fell asleep in a teacher-student meeting, face to face); and my first spanish one had no authority and we barely learned anything, so the next one had to try catching up, but it left me (and those who had come from the same class) with very shaky basics and next to no motivation except just have marks above or equal to average. Compared to those, English was made fun to learn, and then it also got associated with my mind with tons of things (fics, subbed animes, being able to talk with friends).

Tagging: @ask-cross-marian @avellaturortem @shensheng-aoman @xueyaang @crowleiii @illusiive @manadcampbellrpblog @crystallizecrimsonbutterfly if you want to!

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

I’m Going To Try To Relax And Try Not To Think Of That Disgusting Stuff That Peeves Me Off...And I Hope For A New Place Other Than Youtube.

You Do Not Have To Read This, It Is Mostly To Get Some Feelings Out.

I just want to try to relax, and try not to think about knowing how there was a injustice so many centuries ago.

Angels who have the skills and the training to protect life,

but do nothing to protect a life that has hardly started

(I’m speaking of when Jesus was a baby, and all those baby boys around his age, died.)

are no better than demons.

at least some Angels are off the hook, even the ones who weren’t even born yet, and even some Earth Angels who haven’t reached the Adult Age in Angel Years.....which I guess would be in the same years as demons.

I was in the middle of playing on the Xbox, well I was watching anime before,

one of the DVDs I got, but then I decided to take a break,

and check out some stuff on Youtube on there.

while being on the Xbox, so I do plan to watch episode 4 of Helluva Boss after I post this. 

I mean has no one really question how freaking wrong that is?

are we are suppose to be okay with those men, that was send by a king,

to hurt so many lives that had hardly began to live.

when I was in the living room, I couldn’t help but think about it....

and becoming really mad at the angels who did nothing to save those babies.

I had to try to keep myself calm, try to calm my anger.

I was even thinking about hoping Mother, spanks them for it.

and by Mother, I mean Heavenly Mother, who I still view as being the Earthly Mother as well.

and if it is true that my energy wings do go in flame mode

when I get really mad or upset in anyway,

I wouldn’t be surprise if it did end up like that moments ago...

I will use my pendulum to ask Azrael later if that did happen again.     

I want to try to go a full day without using my pendulum.

plus there is still the whole having to make sure to throw some salt on my pendulum...but I will do that later tonight.

I just want to try my best not to think about it,

or how messed up Grandpa King Solomon is too,

if one of those women didn’t speak up,

he might of gone through with that sick act.

anyone, no matter if they are a mortal man or a angel,

if they let ANY baby or child come to harm,

they deserve a timeout in a dungeon.

another thing I hope to do,

if the whole “Small Lilith” proves true and isn’t a prank or some negative energy hacking my pendulum.

I want to try to get it changed, I mean I could at least try to pray to both the Divine Heavenly Father & Heavenly/Earthly Mother,

about it and try to hope that I can have a Soul Name change.

I guess it is possible why I never had that pop into my head before,

and the reason why I believed that I didn’t have a Soul Name at first,

was because the one soul name I was given...

was a name I wasn’t ready to know.

(but I can only hope it is a prank and isn’t true.)

even if I might be peeved at the angels that did nothing,

to protect those children back many centuries ago, when Jesus was a child.

I know not all of them were to blame, even the ones who weren’t even born yet.

I just need to try my best to let them get to me, like try to calm myself.

I still plan to show the link again, that has to do with how Youtube is well,

it’s still good, but at the same time, it is not, because it ends up hurting other Youtubers, and even let a false report happen,

and even end up having the original video be taken down.

I still believe there should be a different place to put up videos and amv type videos, that isn’t Youtube, where they wont let those under 15 in,

and parents should take more responsibility, and not place the blame on mature content.

the use of the child lock can make everyone happy,

and at least other sites make sure to have it impossible for mature content to be seen by those who are not sign in, even if they are, if they are not the proper, they can’t see it.

it might of been a good thing I had admitted that I was exposed to stuff too early, I mean I was told that I repeated a bad word from something on tv.

which once more, was “son of a witch” but the word wasn’t witch.

and I was just a baby, maybe around toddler age when I did that.

parents shouldn’t place the full blame on whats on tv,

or on the shows or movies that are NOT FOR LITTLE KIDS.

they need to make sure to take more responsibility,

and not end up hurting others who enjoy watching the mature series or reading about it.

so long it isn’t....certain abomination, that I dare not speak of.

if this tumblr, had a type of censor, I could say what it is and not everyone has to see it.

there is other things I don’t want to admit that happen during my childhood.

and well maybe I will, someday.

some stuff that was going on in my childhood, I believe was because of the energies I was picking up.

if I hadn’t decided to get the bracelets I have now,

the energies around me, would most likely keep me from fully figuring out

that I’m Aroaceflux.

 I also want to say, that I don’t want anyone to say that my feelings are blasphemy....but I believe that those children could of been saved as well.

the problem is that nothing was done to save them too.

and King Solomon isn’t any better, if one of those women made one mistake,

the worse could of happen.

why did Grandma Naamah The Amonite, fall for such a butt...?

 well him being a butt or not, at least there is one good thing

about being a “daughter of Solomon” is that I can never get that throne,

and because I’m biologically female too.

well when I say “daughter” and of Solomon,

I mean like well being a descendant, and being one of his Granddaughters,

well with a lot of “Greats” in there, and well I’m gonna try to not think too much of knowing now, how messed up that whole test King Solomon did,

or how messed up that no Angel even tried to stop those dishonorable men.

it be nice if I can talk to my family about these feelings.

that I can’t help but feel mad, about how things went,

I mean why couldn’t both Jesus and the rest of those children be saved?

I want to try my best to keep my mind off of it.

it be nice if it turned out the story about those two women and Solomon,

as well as what happen to those children, were all made up.

but we know that we can’t change those moments in the past,

even if we want to. and humankind should NOT time travel.

doing that in movies or shows or video games or comics,

that’s fine....

but the real time traveling, it sucks.

if it isn’t getting some things back that a was lost in March,

and it only ends up fully messing up the timeline,

and possibly causing something really REALLY bad to happen,

and the one who messed that up, having to go back in time again,

to make sure they did cause the alternating of the past in the first place,

then what good is real life time traveling...?

but anyway, I want to try not to think about well some stuff that happen a long time ago.

plus I want to try not to think too much about stuff that really peeve me off.

I want to try to take my mind off it, by just watching shows, movies,

playing a video game and even do some reading.

I will sign in later to check out some more stuff on here.

as well as try to show a link that has to do with very true facts about Youtube.

even if I can still like the good sides of Youtube,

it still has a bad side, and it needs to stop.

too many Youtubers get hurt, and some get away with stuff that they do without the permission of other Youtubers.

and even those who do get permission from other Youtubes,

like Subing their amv that has to do with a video game or other,

some jerk wont even bother to READ the description or the original link.

and will end up reporting a false report on the original.

not all videos will be for kids, some will be for mature audiences only.

it isn’t right how things are blame on the content,

instead of the parents and guardians,

who should try to put the child lock on the browsing.

there should be one, and if there isn’t then there should be a app to be made,

that makes it not possible for a child to see the mature stuff that is online,

like the child lock will make it so that it can’t be seen at all.

at least other sites, are able to keep the really mature stuff hidden,

by the use of check boxes, where you can say what type of mature it is,

if you don’t have a account for it, then you wont see it,

but if you do have one, but aren’t the proper age, you still wont be able to see it until you become the proper age, which the site can tell.

I hope that there can be a place where the kind of stuff that happens on Youtube, doesn’t happen.

  it be nice if more people made more channels on Rooster Teeth’s official site.

I’m not even sure how that works, even Rooster Teeth have their own Channel on there, it is their site after all.

I wonder if it’s weird I have a small crush on Angel Dust’s Older brother

from Hazbin Hotel, well he hasn’t really appeared in it yet,

I think the crush might be thanks to the Arackniss series.

I am gonna try to catch up to all the episodes, I think it might be best that I start from the first, then work my way up.

I will do that later.

I mean “Ficto” is part of my Aroaceflux, I cant choose not to add it at times.

a crush comes from the heart, even deep in love feelings,

comes from the heart and soul, plus not all romance has to be all romantic or kissy face all the time.

some romantic moments can just be when you just enjoy each other’s company, maybe listening to music or watching a movie together.

 I think I might still have a crush on Garrus from Mass Effect too.

it be nice if they update the hole romance thing,

make it so that you can romance Mordin Solus,

but it will be a bit different than the others.

I mean like a kiss on the forehead and just having your Shepard Avatar

rest their head on his shoulder, while just siting on the bed.

nothing else happens, but a bond of romance still forms when Shepard and Mordin admit their feelings for each other.

and in Mass Effect 3, if you had romanced Mordin in Mass Effect 2,

and never ended up seeing anyone else aka two-time him,

then the romance between you will still be there.

I’m not sure if it is true that Tali and Ashley can be romanced by the Female Shepard now, I mean in the legendary version.

but I guess I can wait and see.

I kind of want to try not to romance anyone in the Mass Effect 1 of the Legendary.

even if I and other fans might want Mordin to be added to the romance choices.

it doesn’t mean it will happen.

I mean yes when you do end up in a romance with one of the characters,

you end up doing “grown-up” stuff.

but a romance with Mordin, doesn’t have to end up like that on the first romance. maybe in Mass Effect 3, but Mordin should still become part of the romance choices.

so yeah I want a Ace-Romance with Mordin, where both him and Shepard,

admit their feelings for each other, and end up together in Mass Effect 2 and stay a couple and rekindle that love in Mass Effect 3.

and if you did romance Mordin, if he is about to give up his life,

he gives you one more kiss on the lips good bye, before going to do what needs to be done.

though it be nice if it was possible to cure the krogan and keep Mordin alive.

I hope someday, they will add that, I don’t like Mordin ending up dying

or if you do save him, you just end up not curing the krogan.

there should be a third option, like Mordin letting a small robot he made to go and make sure the cure is successful. 

some fans might not agree, but even if certain scenes happens after you end up with one of the characters, there should still be a different version of romance, where nothing happens on the first romance before going to save the galaxy from the reapers or those that follow them.

and yes even if some people think that those who are Ace don’t do that

whole “snu-snu” thing, but that is not correct.

so long as it’s with someone you truly love and see as your other half,

and they understand that there will be times when you don’t want

to do the whole snu-snu, then the relationship should be fine.

I mean there is other info about it, and yeah I know I am using the word snu-snu as a type of censor for the real word.

I’m a flux type, and well when I did watch the Deadpool Movie,

like the other day ago, and I didn’t feel anything when the snu-snu happen,

I was mostly ignoring it, or like looking away mostly.

those who are flux, like myself,

our Ace can be dominant for long periods of time.

even if some people might say it doesn’t, but it is true.

there isn’t one type of Ace, and like I had explained before,

some will be Heteroromantic-Ace, Biromantic-Ace, Panromantic-Ace and the other types as well that I know I had mention before.

those who are Aroaceflux, might be Bi-Aroaceflux, or Hetero-Aroaceflux

or Pan-Aroaceflux.

no one, should assume their is just one type of Ace.

I mean there is Aceflux too, so all the other type of Aces are still possible.

and I believe there are people out there that fit them.

anyway I think I do feel much better after talking about Mass Effect,

and how I think Mordin should be added to the romance choices.

I’m gonna try to keep my mind off of.

I’m gonna go watch episode 4 of Helluva Boss now,

I think I will head to bed after that.

I wanted to watch some movies and even Red Vs Blue.

but I think I will wait until later to do that.

so I’m just going to go, and try to relax for the rest of the day,

and try not to think about the disgusting stuff that happen before and Angels didn’t try to stop it, yeah some will just say it is blasphemy.

but to me it isn’t, because I know it wasn’t right, but you can’t change that part of the past, you will only cause more trouble.

I hope Collin from that episode 4, gets a plushie,

he is adorable and if I had to OTP Crossover ship him with anyone,

I think I would ship him with Arackniss, well unless I find someone who would look cuter with Collin, like Niffty.

if there was a amv of Collin x Niffty,

the song used should be crazy chicks, I love that song.

well that song would fit both Niffty and Velvet.

I’m just gonna go now, and try to relax and try not to think about the stuff that got me really mad when thinking about it.

 I will sign on here again later, to check out some stuff,

and to re-show the link that points out some of the stuff that is wrong with Youtube, and even if I do still like Youtube.

it is still broken and ends up hurting others. 

I think I want to draw a Arackniss x Collin ship drawing later,

and Collin might be shorter than Arackniss,

so picture Arackniss holding Collin bridle style, while holding a gun or guns out with two of his four arms.

that ship would be not canon, but that’s fine.

if I’m not able to draw it today, I will try to draw it whenever.

I mean there is a drawing I been meaning to do that has to do with Zim,

but I haven’t got around to it yet.

okay I’m just gonna shut up now, and just sign off and go watch episode 4 now.

see ya later and stay safe everyone.  

[coreytravelogue]

Vancouver, BC - August 1, 2020

Here we are in August already in a summer that came later here in Vancouver but no less hot and stuffy. I am sitting in a sweat box writing this because I feel like today is as good of a day as any to post something on my travelogue though I am doing anything but.

August has always been a transition month for me for most of my life. As a kid August was often the month me and my parents went on a vacation on whether it was to Disneyland, Newfoundland, Florida, Ottawa or British Columbia. August always meant the end fo summer for me or the end of freedom which meant school was coming soon which often happened during the last day of the month. Fiscal year for businesses end around March, end of the year for most normally is at the end of December but for me year ends always feel like they are at the end of August. Last year I left for Europe at the end of August, 2 years ago I left for Australia, 6 years ago I left for Europe of the first time, 14 years ago I graduated fro Vancouver Film School but it was 15 years ago that I left my hometown of Fort McMurray for to move to Vancouver. It’s this that I wish to talk about today.

The 15th anniversary is on the 8th I believe but I feel as thought today is as good of a day as any to talk about it. Moving away from home is something I am sure most people remember as though it was yesterday, for me it does feel like 15 years, maybe sooner but still a long time ago simply because so much has changed for from that time to now. I am pretty sure I have talked about all of this before but t his si my blog and this blog is more for me than for anyone else.

In terms of moving away from home one could say I was probably late in that regard. I graduated from high school in 2002. During that time I was still undecided as to what I wanted to do with my life. Part of me still wanted to be a pro wrestler but that dream was getting dangerously close to dying as my love for film and video editing was growing. I knew high school life was not over for me though. I graduated easily but not with grades that could get me anywhere, anywhere that I wanted to go anyway. I wanted to go to Nait or Sait to study film there but my English grades were not good enough. So I decided to upgrade my English marks as well as some sciences while I worked.

It makes the most sense to stay at home, so much that it wasn’t even a question really. Fort Mmcurray was very expensive to live. At this point it was all about saving money and preparing for where I was going to go, wherever that would be. By 2003 I improved my English marks and tried applying to Nait and Sait again but my marks were still not good enough for them. I worked at McMurray TV at this time and while I liked working for them the hours were inconsistent and the pay was practically minimum wage. I knew I wouldn’t be able to save enough money to leave working there so in the summer of 2003 I took a second job at the Safeway Gas Bar.

By this time I was losing friends left right and center, they were either moving away, moving on or we would having falling outs with each other. 2003 was a year where I lost most of my friends by the end of it and 2004 wasn’t that much better. In fact 2004 come to think of it was a pretty shitty year for me though the music was great. By this point I was ready and willing to have a fist fight with one of my childhood friends over losing a computer game. I was also burning the candle at both ends for the most part. If I wasn’t working at the gas station dealing with angry Albertans who only wanted to blame me for high gas prices and for whatever shit was bothering them in their lives I was working for peanuts at McMurray TV but at least there I could work my ass off but not have to deal with assholes while listening to my music and what not. I usually did not have days off and if I did they were spent working on AMVs, watching movies or playing video games.

While I have come to at times regret moving to Vancouver the more I think about how I was back in even 2004 I needed to leave Fort McMurray, if I didn’t I probably would have had a nervous breakdown or do something that would have involved me getting fired because I would have inevitably got in a fight with a customer over their bullshit and my lack of being able to take it. With no friends and no love in my life or anyone really AMVs were the only place I could pour myself into, it was my therapy but by the end of 2004 it wasn’t enough. My Alberta anger was getting so bad that I would break my PS2 controller because of how angry I would get at losing to a computer.

I also decided to try one more time at upgrading my English in 2004 and while I improved it Sait and Nait raised the required again making it impossible for me to be accepted again. I came to realize I didn’t have good enough marks to get into a academic film school, a school that cares more about grades that is.

2005 began and at this point it was not uncommon for me to be crying myself to sleep hating myself, everyone and everything. I was begging to any imaginary god that would listen to bring back the only friend I felt I had left which was RJ. Call it a coincidence but the night I wished it I got a call from him telling me he was moving back to Fort Mac for awhile and was looking for a place to stay. Without asking my parents I said yes. From January to May he stayed with us rent free, thankfully my parents never opposed it. In fact I think they were thankful for it. I tried my best to keep my demons from my parents but they knew I had issues, they knew I was having a hard time. They just didn’t know how to help me which would be a common theme for most of my life if not all of my life. My mood went from angry and miserable to calm and happyish.

From January to May of 2005 would be the happiest times of my young life at that point, living with my best friend whom I could hang out with every night provided me with comfort and company I hadn’t had in years. It was not without its red flags, I came to find out my friend had a drinking problem that I would inherit years later. The more I think about it it must not have been that fun for him living at my house. He was a year older than me was back living in a city he hated working at McDonald’s sleeping on his friend’s sofa bed. His plan was always to save up money again and leave and that he did in May, we would not really speak to each other a little over a year. Not because we didn’t want to but....maybe I will get to that later.

I will probably remember the day he left for as long as I live, I can’t remember the exact day in May but I remember it vividly. It was a morning shift, Rj and a Adam who was also one of my friends though not quite as much of one came in to fuel up and leave. Adam came in to say good bye and fuel up while Rj didn’t come to say goodbye. It hurt but it was also a busy day so I had no time to really dwell on it. By the time I got home I was tired. I sat down on my computer chair and noticed that for the first time in months the basement was quiet. For the past five months I got so used to looking to the right of me and noticing RJ either playing video games, sleeping in or just doing something in general. Now there was no one there but a couch finally folded up in place and a empty space where he used to be. I never felt more lonely than I did at that moment at least at that part of my life.

It was then I realized that I needed to leave Fort McMurray or the city was surely going to kill me, not to long after even the smallest things was starting to piss me off again. I decided that I needed to go somewhere that could teach me film. If I could not do it in Alberta maybe British Columbia would be the ticket.

I had been to British Columbia more than a few times in my life but most of the times that I did we all in the early 90s and they were all in the Vernon/Kelowna so my experience in BC was limited and even then outdated.

However there were two options for film schools in Vancouver at that time; Simon Fraser University and Vancouver Film School. After being burned by Nait and Sait so many times I gave up on the thought of a academic film school. VFS was a private school that only really cared if you could pay for it more than how good your marks were. My parents saved a nest egg for me since I was a child for school which they used for this.

I can’t help but feel bad for using that next egg for this as you can tell by now I never got anywhere in my film career, I never even really had one thoug not for the lack of making an attempt. Me and my dad went to a seminar they put up in Edmonton which impressed both of us and made us confident that I could get a good education there. Boy were were hoodwinked.

Look I have spent way too much time harbouring bad vibes for what would happen from August of 2005 to August 2006 but the more I think of it with 15 years of hindsight behind me I set myself up for failure before I even arrived for my first day of film school.

The day I left Fort Mac is another day I remember vividly at least the the part of leaving. I said goodbye to our dogs Kelly and a Prince feeling I would see them during Christmas, we went to the Gas Bar where I worked for the last two years to fuel up and said goodbye to a girl I had a crush on but felt that she was so far out of my league it wasn’t worth trying. I would never forget how nice she used to be to me when I worked there, at that time of my life she was one of the few women around me that did treat me like I was a monster or some creep. When I came back for Christmas I passed by her for the final time and she invited me out to eat and I never went with her. That would be the first of many regrets I would have in the next 10 years involving women.

So we drove to Calgary and spent a night there then headed straight to Salmon Arm where my cousin Pam was to be married. I hadn’t seen Pam since the early 90s so seeing her married felt surreal. However not even 3 hours passing the border we get a call from one of my uncles who’s as taking care of Prince to tell my dad that he lost him and that he was gone.

For as angry and miserable as I was I should say I did have one friend who was always there for me during those dark points and that was my dog Prince. Prince was like the brother I never had, the one person I could cry my eyes to and not feel judged and shamed for doing it in front of. The more I think about it dogs have seen me cry and break down fairly often. I loved Prince, I told my dad that my uncle could not be relied upon to take care of him and this confirmed it. I remember finding out about this and crying all the way to Salmon Arm. From that point and for the next two years I would hate my dad’s guts for not listening to me and I made it known any time I could as any Scorpio would to twist the knife on him and remind him of his fuck up and how much I hated him for it, he knew it and from that point one he never let any family member take care of our dogs while we were gone ever again however it didn’t matter to me because Prince was my dog and I haven’t had a dog of my own ever since. First day in BC and already experienced my first traumatic event, it would not be the last.

My year in film school could only be compared to my own version of going to my own Vietnam War, it was that traumatic for me it would dictate and basically fuck up residuals for the next 9 years ruining my relationships friends, mainly and women possibly interested women all along the way.

I am not going to go into much detail of that year because it was only one year in 15 that I have lived here and I no longer want that part of my life define me but to ignore it would be omitting a important part of my life no matter how bad it was.

I remember the day I arrived Vancouver again.....vividly. I have been through big cities many times as a kid and as a teenager but it was always on vacation. Vancouver was the first city I feel I truly experienced as an adult for the most part on my own. We drove in and in my dad’s tradition of being in big cities we got lost but this time it wasn’t entirely his fault it was a easy mistake to make. We finally made it o the house I would spend the first four years of my life in. You couldn’t have asked for a better place to stay to tell you the truth. It had a amazing view of Playland (right across the highway from it actually), the rent was affordable for the most part. Well it would be very affordable for today’s Vancouver but this was before the city became too expensive to live in. My landlord was a cool guy who never had a problem with me butt hen I can’t imagine I ever really gave him a problem. I was always quiet, paid my rent on time and never caused any serious trouble. The only knock would be that I would use his drum kit whenever I knew he and everyone in the house was gone which wasn’t often.

Once we dropped everything off we drove to downtown via Hasting Street and that is when we saw something that disturbed us, a place I would basically call cracktown, located on the easy side of downtown Vancouver which sadly in the last 15 years has never really changed. I heard of this area before and was warned about it, when I was still in high school I was shown a documentary about drug abuse on the downtown east side which was enough to scare anyone into not wanting to get like that but seeing it up close was unsettling. We stayed at a hotel for the weekend as I did orientation at VFS and me and my mom would explore a good. Portion of downtown Vancouver. An exercise that was good for me because I would be spending a great deal of time in downtown Vancouver for at least half of my time here.

I was hoping Vancouver would be a new start for me, a new beginning where I would make new friends, finally find a girlfriend, lose my virginity and begin a career either as a film maker or at least a video editor. None of that really happened.

Thus is where I feel like I should talk about how I set myself up for failure but this is all in hindsight. The more I think of it now this was all bound to happen and maybe needed to happen for me to grow into who I am not though no perfect much more of a man and emotionally stable than I was then because for all intensive purposes I was emotionally unstable, I was ticking time bomb ready and looking for someone to explode on.

I loved a extremely sheltered life up to this point, I never had to worry about rent, making my own food though I knew how to, I never knew how to talk to girls let alone socialize. In school I always just kept to myself and did my work as hard as I could and hoped for the best. I was never educated in living life away from my parents. Now here I was in a city I knew nothing about, completely alone and without much of a financial safety net (though I knew my parents would come and save if I called but I never did) and desperately lonely.

I never had a girlfriend before, to tell you the truth my plan was never to go after girls in school my plan was as it should have bee. Get an education and get into making movies but I found myself falling in love with a girl named Katherine. My obsession with her basically destroyed any chance I had at making a decent chance at making something of film school because I spent most if not all of it obsessed with her and trying to “win her over”. I can tell. You many traumatic stories but I feel more like a piece of shit about them where as if I spoke of this prior to Europe I would still try to swing it in a way that it was her who hurt me and not myself but at the end of the day I made my life a living hell and I pinned my future happiness on someone who didn’t ask to be put on a pedestal, who didn’t deserve the grief and stress I put on her, someone who really did want to be my friend but me reeking of such a concentrated dose of toxic masculinity and white male privilege would refuse to see her as a friend and only as a possible love interest.

When I look back on that year I could have been so much more productive than I was, that being said I wasn’t very skilled or I should say I don’t think my set of skills would have been appreciated. I feel fact I should have never have went to VFS but then that is hindsight. How would I have known.

It could be so easy for me to say I wish I had stayed in Fort Mac an extra year till I found out about YouTube and learned film making there.then I would have money to o make my own film and the means to do it there but again I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in Fort McMurray I doubt I would have lasted another year. The fact that when I moved to a Vancouver and happening lay messed up my own life in a Vancouver basically solidifies that my emotional nosedive was inevitable and bound to happen.

If I could have went back in time to talk to 20 year old me I probably would have told him to instead travel but tot ell you the truth 20 year old me had no interest in travel at that time so I doubt a trip to Europe would have been fruitful for him, maybe to Japan but who knows.

August 2005 to August 2006 was a nightmare year for me where I would cling to any kind of hope to keep my alive and it just seemed like everything just wasn’t working out no matter how hard I tried. It was from this year that I also started drinking more and got into hockey. Before this time I had no interest in drinking I mean I did drink and get drunk no and then but if I got drunk it was e other once a month to once every 3 months. As for hockey I could care less about hockey unless I was playing it on the computer.

I got into being a Oilers fan basically out of a bet I made for myself. I remembered being at a bar with Kat and two other strangers. I was depressed as fuck hoping she could save me from it but she couldn’t and I can’t blame her. I feel like shit for forcing her to be responsible for my salvation but I remember her bringing up hockey. She was a always fan, another guy a Habs fan, the other I can’t remember who but another Canadian team. She asked me what team I cheered for. I said the Oilers only because it was the only team I had any sort of care for but to say I was a fan would be seriously stretching it. She said who knows maybe my team will win the Stanley Cup. It was there that I said to myself the chances of them winning the cup was the same chances of getting her to love someone like me. Coincidentally enough that was the year of the Oilers last great cup run so.....yeah all a desperate and emotionally unstable person needed to continue to peruse a woman who only wanted me be my friend. Let’s just say the aftermath of the Oilers losing to the Hurricanes is very comparable to what inevitably happened to me and Kat. A trauma that would stick with me for the next 9 years and come close to killing me on more than one occasion.

So I graduated, I spent that entire fall applying to work any film set I could at the time figuring it would be so easy because for that year I was at film school film sets would basically park guys in front of our door all the time poaching many of us to come and work for a night or two but by the time we graduated the Canadian dollar was going up and the film industry was starting to dry up in Vancouver. I applied everywhere I could but I never got a call from anyone. I had one chance at working on a film set but it was on a “date” or what I thought was a date. I remember walking past the set and seeing the guys I went tos chocolate with there and the looks on their faces was enough o convince me it wasn’t worth going the route they did. One of them had such a look of disappointment on his face the look of “I just spent 30 K just to watch wires.”

I would try to look for work still but I never got anywhere with it, I would say only a quarter of our class got somewhere in their film careers maybe more but definitely not more than half, if anything only a third.

I only have myself to blame for the failure of film career I never had. I wanted to make my own film and decided that I would just save up money in order to do it but by the time I saved up enough money to where I could have probably done it the love and desire of making a movie is 2014 was more or less gone.

When it was obvious that I could not find film work I worked at HMV for two Christmas’s and I started working at Petcetera and the Old Spaghetti Factory at the beginning of 2007. I again was burning the candle at both ends, desperate to make a buck to make my movie all while I was still clinically depressed and woefully lonely. I only had one friend who was Tyler who was the first person I truly me in Vancouver and is someone who is still my friend to this day though we rarely hang out anymore. If I did not have him in my life to at least just be there I would have probably been dead by now and that is the truth.

2007 was another very rough year in my life. I was working two jobs a day working basically over 60 hours a week from February to August (again), I lost the other dog that was apart of a good portion of my life in Kelly and I was continuing to basically fail finding a girlfriend dogging women who only wanted to me and giving up too soon one women who could have went out with me. I quit both of my jobs in order to work on my short film only to find out that all the money I spent would have been a drop in the bucket and that I needed more money that what I had, 3 times more. Plus everyone I asked to help me either said no or just never returned my calls. Within one month I went back to work at the pet store, worked HMV for another Christmas only to quit the pet store at the end of the year and not be hired by back by the other. It was also by the end of the 2007 that I made my first true suicide attempt, an attempt that I am already starting to feel the effects of now.

I know what you are thinking, my god Corey why didn’t you just leave Vancouver if all it was doing was making you miserable and why are you tell me such a sad fucking sorry, surely there is a happy ending to all this? Very good questions.

Why did I not leave Vancouver? Well the question then is the same as it is now. Where the fuck should I go? You have to understand BC was and still is biggest city for film in Canada. I could have went to Ontario but that would cost money that I didn’t entirely have and I wasn’t entirely sold on leaving. I didn’t want to go back to Alberta because I felt like if I went back it would have been admitting failure also the film industry was and is barely there. Then much like now the only jobs in Alberta are either in the oil industry or to serve the oil industry. I could have decided to just work abroad and you know what they would have and should have been a good idea. I would have been more open to this idea by this time but again I didn’t have that much money and the travel bug had no bite me yet.

Is there a happy ending to all this? Well I am alive now aren’t I and I seem to at least have my head on straight despite how much I enjoy referring tot he past. Well I guess I am one of those people who feels to rule the future you must conquer your past, I feel as though I conquered it for the most part it only took all my 20s to do it.

With that being said my life would start to slightly look up. Thanks to Tyler I was able to get a job at Electrionic Arts in 2008 a job that would provide me with financial stability for the next 6 years. It was not without its own forms of stress but for all intensive purposes I can’t really say much bad about EA; though they paid me peanuts I got good dental and health benefits, I was able to take December’s off to be with my parents, save money like crazy (though I lived on peanut butter and crackers for most of it in order to do so) I had more stability. I just stayed there for too long and that is more on me than them.

In 2009 I had to leave my place of residence because my landlord was ready to start a family and was tired of having room mates though honestly up to this point is as pretty lucky in the room mate department. I moved a few blocks up the road and lived with a older lady and a German man who would not stop bragging about German beer. I was a cider guy at this point and had no interest in beer in general much less German beer (yet).

By this time my alcohol consumption had steady increased to where it is sort of today where I would basically get drunke very weekend but from 2008-11 was probably the most calm time of my life. I had become friends with the landlord and we would have movie nights every Friday enjoying pizza, cider and art movies. I was still failing in my love life at this time but it wasn’t so bad at this time as I was all about writing, watching movies and saving money. I was still reeking of toxic white male priviledge and my land lord tried to get me out of it as she was worried about me however she had her own stresses in her life which led her to move out of the house. By early 2011 I either had the choice of becoming the land lord where the only tenants was a ex convinct and the other was a asshole who always tried to take advance of previous landlord by dodging rent whenever he could. I had enough stress in my life and decided to get my own appartment for the first time in my life near Metrotown.

2011-13 I lived alone for the first time and while it was painfully lonely and horrifically expensive I enjoyed the privacy. Since I no longer had someone to hang out with on Friday nights, online dating was a failure and nothing was changing I decided to go out every Friday night and try to change my luck. While I have many stories to tell long story short I failed all of the time. I also decided to try and upgrade my high school diploma again focusing on sciences. It was around this time that I had beer that I liked for the very first time. It was Okanagan Spring’s Summer Wiezen. I started having it in my head to maybe be a brewmaster. I didn’t care about beer that much but the industry was starting to boom and I was starting to like what was coming out of it but I was still a cider guy for the most part.

In 2011 was when I also made my second suicide attempt and failed. It was embarrassing and slightly eye opening, I didn’t learn much from it but I was starting o learn that things needed to change because the third suicide attempt may be the last one.

Living even in a studio apartment was way too expensive for myself and I decided to move into where I live right now in 2013. It was dirt cheap and run down but it provided me a perfect back drop to save a considerable amount of money o make my film or do something.

At around age 23 I made a promised to myself that I had to accomplish something before I turned 30. At age 28 in 2013 it was looming but I was nowhere closer to doing anything or accomplishing anything that I set out to do.

RJ was turning 30 and like his 25th I went to see him and be there for him though he never was there for me for the last 10 years. Our friendship slowly dissolved after this due to me pursuing his girlfriend because at that point I was still desperate and I felt that our friendship was too one sided and he didn’t care about me so why should I with him. This wound up being another thing that inevitably blew in my face but at least I gain a friend out of it whom is still my friend to this day despite all of the drama.

2014 came and I was now 29 still with nothing to show for it. Lonely and no where closer to beating my demons as I had tried every form of therapy I could. After a trip to Seattle a few years back I became more interested in traveling now than I once was. It was either make a film or travel to Europe and I decided on the later. You know the story of that already.

I think at this point we. Have nearly come full circle as from 2014 and on I have documented my life here. Europe was extremely impactful to me in was that you know yet can’t fathom but I needed time for it to sink in with me. By the time I came back I felt rejuvenated and thought I could get on a saddle now only to fall flat on my ass more than a few times before 2014 ended. I had turned 30 and now I was unemployed, still loveless and much more poorer but at least I had done something no other from my family had done before as of yet.

It was would be in February of 2015 when I had my last true breakdown where the light finally came on. From August 2015 to August 2017 I went back to o school, prior to then I finally met a girl who actually loves me and by the time I graduated I already had a job that was paying twice the amount of was being paid at EA.

In 2018 and 2019 I was travel more than I had for most of my 20s and more happier than I had ever been all things considering.

Now here in 2020 I guess I am at another cross roads. While my living quarters has allowed me to save a considerable amount of money it is not a place I should live in anymore, it is a nearly toxic environment with a shit head room mate who was her before me. The city itself is too expensive to live in and I can’t afford to live in it. I am now sort of being forced out unless I want to make sacrificed in my life to stay her, sacrifices I do not think are worth it.

At this point I have very few if any friends, all the friends I have made have either moved away or moved on (sound familiar). Living here now causes a lot of needless stress. The problem is where the hell do I go from here?

It is funny though for much of the 15 years I have lived here I have hated Vancouver and the Albertan in me tried to find anyway he could to place blame on this city any way I could for all the problems in my life even though at the end of the day I was the harbinger of my own sadness all along. Now at the 15 year mark I actually love being in Vancouver. Is it perfect? Fuck no it is expensive, drives and cyclists are idiots, it barely snows and when it does this city refuses to handle it.

That being said the weather is very mild, people are not angry here or look to take their anger out on you here, the politics lean to the left here the most and the beer is the best in Canada for the most part. Maybe it is Stockholm Syndrome maybe it isn’t but I am used to being here and I can’t entirely see myself being anywhere else right now. For awhile I thought Alberta was a option now that I have career to build but with its politics and the province’s penchant to fuck itself up I am wary of going back there. So where else do I go?

I was born and raised in Alberta but I basically was a baby, child and teen in Fort McMurray, I grew up there. However it was in Vancouver where I became the man I am today. Before I came here I hated myself beyond measure, now while I have have money of self hatred I don’t hate myself entirely anymore. I see someone who was deeply flawed and caused harm to other but mainly to himself in his pursuit of his own truths that never made any sense but I also see someone who learned from his fuck ups and no longer allows them to define him. It is part of the portrait that is me but it is not all of me and. I refuse to let the next 15 years be defined by it either. I will still make mistakes and have many regrets, I can only hope at age 50 I will be a better man then than I am at 35.

In the next couple of weeks I will talk about Australia and Europe. I ain’t ravelling this year due to COVID obviously. It makes me feel so lucky that I got to go to those places to which talking about it feel is the closest I can get to actually being there again anyway.

Anyways this has been the last 15 years in my life. There are many stories that I have not told but that would be a novel’s worth of stories and I feel I have probably tired you out by now I know I am. So here is to the next 15 years wherever I may be at that point. Shazbot nanu nanu.