#I could not concentrate
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ok. I am going to have this blog as backstage, the real me (hopefully without revealing all vulnerabilities) and another as frontstage, official writing. Perhaps only give ppl the writing link here bc i don't want ppl going there who I don't want, any naysayers, trolls, etc. Doesn't mean i won't post some things about writing here.
I need to have a fail safe and also an outlet. To avoid totally saying anything-- I will have a safety valve in other blog to calm me down. Perhaps a bridge to real world where i can jump out of any social media fuelled spirals. And this so I don’t start posting personal stuff there. So i have an outlet if needed.
Hopefully this system will work.
And I also have bunches of side blogs to show fragments of myself and what I care about and believe in
But here is all, (or sort of) and the real me with no veneer bc i need. Real.
#Unfiltered yet semi filtered#Safety valve#Outlet#Tumrblr#Also so I don't make yet another blog and leave this one#And make cycle continue#Cycle stops here#And I am moving forward#Perhaps some bc I literally am being more deliberate about tumrblr#Can't let it consume me or be a life substitute#Not make it distract me from real or what I need#But also it's a nice comfort some days#Something to do in time spaces#Lol#Whats the word#Like today#I could not concentrate#Bc weekend#So#Hopefully readjust soon#So get all my things going#Not like I won't be myself on other blog#Mean I share less of my self#Still true
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you open my Super Important Documents and its just pictures of charles xavier
#xmen#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#todays schedule has been ruined by my ever occurring need to practice drawing movie charles its horrendous#i started this sheet last night but then i kept adding to it and i keep wanting to add to it but i MUST stop myself#in an ideal world i get paid to draw charles xavier and erik lehnsherr but no i live in this baka society#sleepless charles WAS inspired by me starting this at 1AM and forcing myself to sleep at 4AM#and then here i am picking i up still later .... i need professional help i fear but i aint got time for that#NEVERTHELESS I THINK IT GOT IT NOW. I THINK IM OK. i think i know how i wanna go bout drawing him now ...#chat can i confess that like. .5% of the reason i barely draw FC charles i because of his hair#for some reason some demonic entity prevents me from drawing it easily i am in STRUGGLE CITY#the only thing that gets me is that whenever i draw him i can only think of the likes of a disney prince but man thems the strokes ig#i also drew a quick dark phoenix charles but i figured id just keep this first class oriented#anything else i want to say ? uh. hm. its funny i never do any of these sheets for erik#genuinely On My Life made One (1) sheet and was like 'no yeah i got it. i got it down'#literally not my fault his head is So Shaped and defined but anyways. this aint about him.#i mean it could be. i still wanna do a doodle page concentrated on drawing how his powers show#more specifically how do i wanna draw the glow cause i cant decide on it ... also i wanna draw the 'levels' ...#but thats for another time. for right now i should probably eat i havent eaten all day#bye bye !!!!!! here's to hoping i draw something thats not a doodle sheet one of these days
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Hades: "...Zeus."
Zeus: "...Hades."
Reader: "I want you both carnally so fucking bad."
Hades: "What?"
Reader: "What?"
Zeus: "Oh?"
Hades: "Zeus!"
Zeus: "I mean what?"
#blood of zeus#blood of zeus x reader#zeus x reader#hades x reader#this was a SERIOUS SCENE but all I could concentrate on was how hot they were I'm sorry#boz zeus#boz hades#boz x reader#blood of zeus season 2
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Animation commission for @bread-loaf-heart, thank you again >-<
#animation tag#When time passes you notice that you could do better#But since there were plenty of details and I concentrated more on keeping them right#It ended up lacking the dynamic in movement and lifeness of it >---<#And it takes definitely more time than just an art commission *sigh* but god it is worth it....
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some business to take care of
#i was tempted to caption this as she was a skater boy and she was also another skater boy but#duck scribbles#midoyuzu#enstars#whats up guys im being embarrassing again on main#been wanting a new phone wallpaper and this was born. its the lesbian version though im not showing that#midori takamine#yuzuru fushimi#yuzumido#ensemble stars#also have additional doodles that r kind of corny and im too ashamed to add into the main post so i might add on a reblog or maybe not#midterms were so awful i had to keep reminding myself i can go ham drawing whatever i want once im done. and naturally its this#anyways ive always liked midos city rider fit it suits her so well#always wanted to find a good one to pair w it and the wink killer 2nd half xscout was toooo good i was inspired immediately#finally could use this good ref pic ive had saved since forever i need to draw backgrounds more too it was rather fun somehow#mental state has been yoyoing an insane degree lately like come on i dont need to be reminded i am a useless hunk of meat every other day#with nothing good going for them. college is amazing at reminding me of such god bless#i have bad tendencies to self isolate behind the excuse of concentrating that i am trying to fix . but its hard to get back when i do#not to mention the entire Big Event happening over in good ol amerika serikat!!! my apathy is naturally immense#but whats some peace of mind here and there idk. im gonna read yuri
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Liliana telling Imogen, "You know how much I miss just taking care of those horses? You know how much I dream of just walking the fields and making breakfast at sunrise? All that was taken from me" really brings to mind something that Laudna said to Imogen in episode 49:
"If you wish to have a quiet life in a cozy cottage in a field, raise horses and just be, no gods or fates or destiny can keep you from that."
That's the crux of why Liliana's argument fails to be convincing. Laudna is right--at any moment in this journey, Imogen could have decided she didn't need to do this and found a cottage to settle down in. At any point in 14-16 years of wandering Exandria before finding the Verity, Liliana could have gone home and had all the things she feels were "taken" from her. But she didn't, and that was her decision, not the fault of the gods, or Predathos, or any other force she thinks kept her away. She decided she needed answers more than that cozy life she loved so much. Foisting the responsibility of that decision does not erase that it was hers
#obligatory ''as far as we know''#but yeah getting hit with ''don't you know how much i wanted to come back?'' is insane considering#SHE COULD HAVE#also who DOES she think ''took'' all that from her? it's an interesting phrasing#*stares into pepe silvia board with deep concentration*#liliana temult#critical role#also she really does owe relvin just. so much child support. so much
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Get Her a Dog (She'll be Happier For It)
Part One | master list | MDNI
Soap x reader, Price x reader, eventual PriceSoap x reader
series cw: cheating. dubcon. angst. cuckholding. pet play.
chapter cw: angst, pining for someone who isn't your husband
reader is fem and fat
You know where it's going. Part of you wants to tell him to fuck off, get out of your house, scream and yell and pin everything on him - for always taking your husband away or for being an impossible standard to hold him to you don't even know.
It's raining in York again, the soft tatting upon the windows your only indication. It's evening, but you've still got the blinds pulled because you couldn't be arsed to draw them. In the apartment next door, a baby cries its head off and you sigh, turning up the volume on your b-movie romcom. It cries a lot.
You don't immediately reach for your phone when it buzzes against the coffee table because you can't think of any pressing reasons someone would be contacting you tonight, but it goes off twice more in as many minutes so you relent, unlocking it without really looking. Thumbing through to your messages, you find your husband's contact photo beaming back at you, top of the list. You pause, lip twitching slightly. Johnny's supposed to be halfway across the world, his phone inaccessible to him. It should be a good thing that he's texting you - returning from a mission early could go one of two ways, but if he was well enough to text then surely you should be excited for him. Except you're not, because you know what his message will read before you even open it.
Used to be, Johnny would stumble through the door after a deployment all battered and bruised, laughing when you yelped because you weren't expecting him - wandering the house in lazy day clothes because you thought he was supposed to be away another week. He always rushed home the second he could, never wasted enough time for so much as an 'I lived' text because he couldn't bear to be away from you one more unnecessary moment.
Used to be, you two missed each other when he was away.
>having the boys over for dinner
<you're back in town?
>got in yesterday yea
>can u make that pasta dish gaz likes? owe him my life
You sigh, torn between being more annoyed by Johnny's presumption, the fact he hadn't even let you know he was alive let alone at base, and the fact that you know you should be worried after a comment like that.
Mostly, you're just too tired.
The pasta dish Kyle likes involves heavy cream which you don't currently have. There's a small shop just two streets up and you'd hate to waste the gas so despite the weather, you grab an umbrella and some boots and head out, patting yourself down for the mandatory keys, wallet, phone check. It's dreary out. In addition to the rain, the season's coming to its long, slow end and bringing with it the cold sort of damp that soaks into everything, the whole world seemingly saturated with the miserable chill. Normally, this is your favorite kind of weather, but lately you've been too dreary yourself to properly enjoy it. So you amble along, unfocused. Unappreciative. Foggy.
Identical brick houses line either side of the street, stretching out around the bends in either direction. The winding of the road lends a claustrophobic feel to the entire city, population density driving houses tall enough to obscure the movement of the sun throughout the day.
It wasn't a bad place all told, but Johnny had chosen it for its proximity to base back when he was still just a young recruit and it had never really felt like your home. There'd been promises, back when the two of you were still engaged, ones you should've known better than to hold him to. Dreams of a house in the country, or talks of moving you out to Scotland. You hadn't been lying when you'd told him you didn't need any of that, but you'd never expected him to interpret that as you being content to live in the same dingy building the rest of your lives. It wasn't really your place to complain about it, though, given it was Johnny's income that paid the bills. You worked as well, though mostly just to keep yourself busy, as Johnny had insisted on your being a stay at home mom for the first few years of your babies' childhood. You weren't sure why you didn't find something more stimulating now, given how many years had come and gone without the man committing to the prospect of children.
It used to hurt, the reneged aspirations. You've gotten used to it.
You're a regular at the shop by now, having lived in the same little apartment for the last five years. The owner greets you as you enter, the little bell above the door chiming as you close your umbrella, tapping it on the doorframe a few times to dislodge any excess droplets.
"How are you now, Mr. Hudson?" you call, making a beeline for the kitchen staples. If there were still good things to be said about your marriage, at least you no longer cringed at convenience store pricing.
"I'm well, yourself?" the old man croaks back politely. He's not doing well, actually, as his wife is wont to tell you anytime she's the one manning the counter, but you think it would be impolite to ask him how his prostate is out of the blue, so you don't call him on it.
Instead, you tell a lie all your own as you set your find in front of the register. "Can't complain."
"What's for dinner, then?" he asks, nodding at the carton.
"Smoked sausage alfredo." Not for the first time, you're grateful Gaz's favorite dish is consistent enough that you regularly have thawed sausage on hand. The last time Simon had saved your husband's skin in the field, Johnny had thought you'd be able to whip up a chicken dish in two hours and you'd had to run half across town for protein.
"Mm," Mr. Hudon hums appreciatively. "Am I invited?"
"May as well be," you laugh, perhaps a little meanly given the poor man isn't in on the joke. You take mercy at his confused look. "My husband's inviting a few friends over. Wasn't expecting to cook for so many people." You weren't expecting to cook for anyone, actually, completely content to rot away with a bag of crisps but that's beside the point.
"Oh, yes… big man? With the… hair?"
"The very same," you grumble, taking your receipt.
"Haven't seen him in a while, how's he been?"
"Well, I gather he almost died recently, but I couldn't tell you much else. Haven't seen him either." The parting smile you give the old man feels rotten on your face. You bid him a good night and wave, scurrying out the door before he can properly respond.
The sight of John standing on your stoop when you return startles you, although you should really be used to his early arrivals by now, as John tends not to linger in the company of his subordinates too long and often finds his own rides to and from base. He's also generally more eager to stop by than your husband is, though you can't think too long about that without feeling like you're going to walk off a pier.
John greets you warmly as he always does, pulling you into a one armed hug as he kisses your cheek. With his free hand, he pulls your umbrella from your grasp, keeping you both under its protective circle as he straightens back up.
You search your pockets for your keys, a good excuse to eye yourself over to be sure you hadn't accidentally worn something inappropriate out of the house. Like hosiery and a big graphic tee that said 'fuck me daddy' or something on it. John always brings out this paranoia in you, that same instinct that has people re-reading work emails to check for porn links four times before hitting send. But with him it's, 'Are you dressed? Is a dildo about to fall out of your shirt sleeve? Did you remember to put your wedding ring on?'
You didn't.
"Hi John. Sorry to keep you waiting. I didn't realize anyone would be in so soon."
"And here I thought I'd be the last to show for once," he counters, grabbing the cream from you and slipping it into the brown paper bag he carries on his hip. Something about his expression darkens minutely when he clarifies, "The boys left base a few hours ago. They still not in?"
Somehow, you don't find this as surprising as you maybe should. "No."
John hums, following after you obediently as you make your way to the lift. Normally, you try to get some exercise in by climbing the stairs, but you don't feel like huffing and puffing your way up with John in tow. Instead, the two of you pile into the small shaft where John does nothing to minimize the width of himself, standing directly by your side instead of slightly behind, squishing you between himself and the mirrored wall. You keep your eyes forward, glued to the metal doors. You can feel his eyes on you, shameless and assessing. Can even see his head turned toward you in the blurry reflection before you. He's always like this when he first gets home, as if he can ascertain how you've been spending the time without your husband's company just by staring a hole through your temple.
Probably, he could.
John's an attentive man. Always has been. So it shouldn't surprise you when he huffs gently and pulls himself to his full height with an air of grim determination. He's gonna ask one of his questions again, you just know it - the kind that leaves you exposed, crawling back to your husband's familiar apathy with renewed appreciation. John draws a breath, you close your eyes, and then the lift dings, doors opening with a rush of air that rivals the relieved breath you take. You step out before John can motion you forward as is his custom, ducking through the door to prevent him saying a word.
Distraction comes with the general din of settling in. John tucks your umbrella away in the tiny entrance closet and brings his bag into the kitchen. You dip quietly back to your bedroom to make yourself more presentable, calling from the bedroom for him to make himself at home. It takes you no time at all to get ready, the casual dresses at the back of your closet all hanging clean and untouched. You check to make sure they've not gone musty before pulling one on and applying some basic makeup. Rotting on the couch hadn't called for mascara, but a houseful of men certainly did.
You blink when you realize the implication of that, smudging the dark product all under your lower lashes. You only resist the urge to roll your eyes at yourself for fear of repeating the process under your brow.
John's in the kitchen when you emerge, sudsing up the dishes from your lunch to your horror. "John! You don't have to do that," you squawk, attempting to shoo him along with fluttering hands, as if he were an overgrown pigeon.
Unflinching. "Of course I don't. Wanted to be helpful but I didn't know what you'd planned for dinner so I couldn't get started on that."
"You didn't have to do anything," you counter, still hoping that your defiant presence at his side would cow him away from the sink.
He just smiles at you, that overly cheeky one that crinkles his eyes charmingly. "Wanted to, love,"
Well, who are you to say no to that?
The two of you slip into companionable silence as you get to work, though you play it up when he completes his task, leaning his hip against the counter with that same intense expression from before. You're not ready for the question, whatever it is. Maybe never will be.
John seems to sense this, changing approach by making a show of unpacking his paper bag, setting the options he's brought for wine out in front of himself. He eyes the ingredients you've assembled carefully, and sets a white bottle aside for dinner before helping himself to the drawer where he knows you keep your corkscrew, popping open a bottle of red as he knows you prefer it. You collect glasses as he does so, watch him warily as he pours you a generous glass. Once he's served you both, he settles into an island stool with an exaggerated air of relaxation.
When he starts, the question is blessedly easy, though you remain on high alert lest he pull some intelligence acquisition maneuver on you before you even see it coming.
"Well, how's it been on the home front?"
You know where it's going. Part of you wants to tell him to fuck off, get out of your house, scream and yell and pin everything on him - for always taking your husband away or for being an impossible standard to hold him to you don't even know. Another part of you just wants to be seen. John's got his arms crossed in such a way to make him impossibly broad, imposing. There'd be no getting past him even if you wanted.
The worst part is, you don't.
"All's well, John, thanks." A lie, despite knowing how you feel, how you want him to force you to talk, crack you open and pry your injuries from you with strong hands, get you back in working order. You both know it.
"You sure? Been looking a little blue of late." It's not judgemental. You remember the old tan line he used to sport on his finger - wide and pale on his weathered hand. It's long gone, a nicely healed wound. He doesn't even worry the space with his thumb anymore, a habit you'd picked up of late, as if the band itself burned. You wonder how long you'll try soothing it once the ring is gone and nearly bite through your tongue when you realize what you'd just thought.
A clatter at the door saves you from answering and you force a smile as you turn to greet Johnny. He roars through the door as is his custom, loud and singular and enigmatic enough to make you forget your qualms when he hoists you into his arms and peppers your face in kisses. "Oh, ah've missed ye, bonnie," he crows, only putting you down when Gaz insists it's his turn.
You're turned about between the two of them, a mess of 'missed you too's, and 'good to see you's, and 'come on in, can I get that for you?' Gaz kisses your cheek, tells you dinner smells lovely despite it barely being comprised of more than its base components yet and you grin at him, letting yourself be charmed through another boisterous night with the boys.
It's not until much later, as you're sending everyone packing with to go containers of extras and squeezing shoulders in parting that you notice your fingers gripped tight around John's bicep, finger conspicuously empty.
Next>>
#get her a dog#this is half baked but i needed to get it out of my head so i could concentrate on haul#captain john price x reader#john soap mactavish x you#captain john price x you#john soap mctavish x reader#pricesoap x reader#fat reader
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Hid away, your longing will only grow And you'll only grow older -- The Longing - Tamino
#doodles#The Untamed#Lan Wangji#WangXian#mdzs#I finally watched The Untamed (and got the books)#I could barely concentrate when LWJ was on screen since he's so classically beautiful#What a dream for artists
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sweet dee soothing a very drunk waitress?
girls' night 💅💋💖
#iasip#its always sunny in philadelphia#deetress#dee reynolds#uhhhhhhh#i took some liberties lmao#i really have to do work today but i could not concentrate while there were lesbians to finish drawing#machinegoods#machineasks
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hmmmmm thinkin about how brutalization might look
#extra gorey and spooky since halloween is close 👀#i could not decide on a bg colour for the life of me sorry its ugly </3#the main idea is brutalization in my eyes (while still being much stronger) is a lot more contained and concentrated than corruption#hence why i drew the runes more fluid and ink-like while corruption's are more like rough gashes#also while drawing this i realised how similar verlaine and kunikidas designs are whats up with that#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd fanart#bsd verlaine#paul verlaine#bsd stormbringer#stormbringer#my art#digital art#blood cw#gore cw
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Sprut-do you know where goop man is in the current timeline? Have you seen if he still exists? Are you worried he'll find a way to break out and it'll all just repeat again? That's all for now ^-^/
I have a plan to kill it once Poptart is ready... I hope you all trust me when the time comes. The secret? Fire. Fire kills it.
#2al takeover#asks#the plan should destroy the key too...#if all goes well#the only reason I could not kill it in my time was because of how wide spread it was#meanwhile here it will be contained in one area to concentrate the fire
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oh dear
i think i might be seeing where this goes next
#like i could be wrong but something like this would probably be breaking their concentration right?#and if dainix looses concentration right now he is GOING to transform#and i dont think light is going to be all that effective against a demon#comic aurora#aurora webcomic#aurora comic#dainix aurora
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While I'm glad my classes are giving me more fun ideas for fucked up science in a world created by a man who doesn't know fuck all about science. Can my classes please give me the time to write said ideas please begging on my hands and knees I want to write Shen Yuan yelling at Airplane about his bad science.
Like please I just want
Sy: why the fuck did the nectar turn pink
Airplane: oh the dirt's acidic.
Sy: what
Airplane: yeah, that flower is used as an indicator of poisons, it turns pink when in the presence of acids... Word of warning, most poisons in this world are acidic.
Sy: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NEED ACIDIC POISONS DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT POISON IS
Airplane: BRO BRO I NEEDED A WAY TO INDICATE THERE WAS POISON! THE NECTAR HAS PHENOLPHTHALEIN
Sy: ... YOU HACK THAT'S NOT EVEN HOW PHENOLPHTHALEIN WORKS?!
Significantly later
Sy: why does my soup smell like mac n cheese cooking
Airplane: you remember what I said about poisons being mostly acidic?
Sy: .......... I'm going to go kill a coward, and then you're next
#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shen yuan#shang qinghua#airplane shooting towards the sky#disclaimer: theres a possibility that boiling pure concentrated hydrochloric acid on its own actually doesn't smell like cooking macncheese#that smell could have been because of the reaction between HCl and the base not just the HCl#but that matters not#what matters is the comedy#(also the original poison only smelled like that because airplane was craving macs when he wrote it in)#obviously#i might be slightly delirious from all that titrating earlier#but what matters is airplanes scientific inaccuracies
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Super quick shigaraki I drew today in celebration of season 7
#bnha#mha#my hero academia#mha fanart#bnha fanart#bnha season 7#tomura shigaraki#listen Im not a hater but if they just turned down the saturation or shifted the hue and brightness ever so slightly for that damn blue sky#like I dont want crazy weather I get that its dzy okay#but its difficult to concentrate on the epic thing going on and the characters#when the sky is the most saturated bright blue you could possibly imagine#but also please give the animators a break they need it#and money too#my hero academia fanart
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ohhh if I am soo mentally ill could I pull this??
*starts analyzing every little stuff from Doctor who*
#guys guys would u still love me if I told u I go to sleep thinking of aus or analysis#my mind is always ALIVE#I Can pull from my ass a whole ass analysis from most of the characters#if I could concentrate more I would def write them down#but oh well they exist only in my mind#doctor who#dr who#sasa rambles#dw#the doctor
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Lucid Dreamer (1/2)
part 2
Gepard notices that it's been. Quiet lately. Like weirdly quiet. TOO quiet. He hasn't seen Sampo Koski in almost a week, which is about the longest he's ever been absent. And he is NOT worried. He's not! So what if they've been getting along more lately! So what if Gepard sometimes looks for him in his favorite hiding places! So what if he's been dreaming about blue hair and green eyes! It's nothing!!
But they're….strange, these dreams. Gepard doesn't usually remember what he's dreamt. It's out of his mind seconds within waking up. But these stick with him, they won't leave him be, they feel different somehow.
He dreams of Sampo bringing food to the frontlines and eating breakfast in his tent with him. Sampo always sneaks him extras. He dreams of chasing Sampo through the alleyways, Sampo sometimes letting himself be caught, Gepard sometimes catching him, and trying to ignore how it feels more like a game now more than anything else. He even dreams that Sampo tags along with him on one of his few civilian days. Sampo runs errands with him, prattles about inane bullshit while Gepard picks out groceries for the week, drags Gepard into some bakery he's never been to but he thinks Serval mentioned once.
And sometimes, it feels so close to reality, that Gepard half expects to see Sampo, shamelessly swaggering into the frontlines with all the guards' breakfast like his wanted poster wasn't only recently taken off the walls of Belobog. He's disappointed when it's always someone else instead. He tells himself his disappointment is ridiculous and if Sampo wants to go prowl around the Snow Plains or wherever he is, then fine. It's not any of his business.
…But it IS his job to investigate any unusual criminal activity relating to the frontlines. And the frontlines are Sampo's usual haunting grounds, and this is unusual activity, and Sampo IS technically a criminal, so it is absolutely part of his duty to look into this - is what Gepard tells himself the entire tram ride down into the Underground.
Natasha tells him he's gone, and Gepard has to steel himself. He knew Sampo made enemies wherever he went, there are a lot of people who would love his head on a platter, but he didn't think-
Natasha corrects him that she means literally gone. As in off-planet. Sampo always leaves her a note before he goes anywhere, so she knows not to expect any supply runs from him. He should be back in exactly two weeks. Thank the Preservation.
Gepard goes back home. He waits.
The uneasiness doesn't leave him.
"Where did you go?" Sampo stops dead in the middle of some story about Seele, and how you'd think someone with as blunt a mouth as her wouldn't have so much trouble asking a woman out, even if that woman IS the Supreme Guardian, and stares at him. He nearly fumbles his cigarette.
"Ahaha, what do you mean, I'm right here?" Sampo smiles at him the same way he always does. Gepard has no idea why he asked. It just popped out. He can never tell when Sampo is lying, anyway.
"I don't know. I feel like I haven't seen you in a long time." Gepard idly mouths at his own cigarette. He almost never smokes, but he wants to ration their stocks of Blizzard Immunity, and it helps with the cold. It's seemed colder lately, for some reason.
Gepard flicks his lighter once, twice, sighs at the third time because a metal prosthetic and thick gloves make the damn things so difficult. Sampo reaches over and wordlessly kisses the end of his cigarette to Gepard's, lighting it. "Thank you."
Nothing happens for almost a full 30 seconds. Something churns behind Gepard's ribcage. Because Sampo never leaves a "thank you" hanging. This is the part where he gives his spiel about how helpful and kind he is and Gepard either brings up how long his rap sheet was before Bronya helped clear his name, or just stares deadpan because seeing Sampo squirm is weirdly satisfying.
"…I'll be back in one more week."
Gepard jolts awake in his cot, mouth dry and eyes bleary.
The hell.
The next dream he has, Sampo looks tired. Sometimes he seems normal. Sometimes he says strange things, like how he wishes he'd gone to some restaurant in Belobog. Ate his favorite food more recently. Brought something with him. Gepard asks why he can't do that now. Where would he bring something? Sampo only shrugs. His rebuttals have less energy.
Gepard doesn't know if he wants to dream more, or less.
He ticks down the days on his calendar. Natasha hasn't told him any different. She promised she would if she got any kind of message. Sampo returns tomorrow, from whatever vacation or seedy business dealings he's been off having. He is not excited about it. He is not looking forward to it. He's not!!
Gepard falls asleep late that night, unable to settle. He dreams again.
He's alone. There are tons of people everywhere, the frontlines are always crowded. But he's alone. They all pass right by him as though he were a ghost. Gepard starts to walk before he realizes his feet are even moving.
He checks the trashcans in the dead end alley. He checks the supply crates that someone always stacks too high because they don't feel like finding more space for them. He pauses to check the soldiers that march past him, watching their footprints in the snow.
He finally finds Sampo on the rooftop along the northernmost wall, the one that looks out over the plains, towards Everwinter Hill, towards where the Stellaron had once been kept. With a full moon and an entire land of white snow, Gepard can almost see clear out to the horizon.
"Found you." Sampo stiffens, and Gepard is almost prepared for him to sprint off the roof. He doesn't. But he doesn't relax either. Gepard sits down next to him and stares out at the wastelands.
"…I fucked up." It wasn't what Gepard had been expecting. Sampo never 'fucks up,' Sampo just gets into incidents that are entirely, supposedly, not his fault and that he just happens to always be within the vicinity of.
"What did you do now?" It must be really bad if Sampo is coming to the Silvermanes for protection.
Instead, Sampo ignores his question completely. "See out over there? Right on the other side of that mountain. There's a safe house that way. It's hidden under a lot of snow and dead trees, but it's there. And in that safe house is a box full of letters. I need you to deliver those letters for me."
Gepard's brow furrows. It's a weird favor to ask. Sampo would never tell anyone where his hidden safehouses were. It defeated the whole purpose of a hidden safe house.
Something is wrong, something is really really wrong.
Gepard turns back to look at him again and startles, all of his questions dying in his throat, because the entire left side of Sampo's head is suddenly matted down, dark and sticky, his skin is dyed red red red-
"In three more months, there's gonna be something big happening." Gepard grabs Sampo's hand and it feels slick and warm against his palm. "I won't be here. So I need you to do my end of things for me." Gepard tries to keep hold, but something is fading, something is slowing, the sun is coming up but the colors are all wrong, everything feels like encroaching fog, Sampo's hand slides right through his. "I was gonna come back with my mask to finish setting the stage, but…" Gepard makes a frantic grab for Sampo's wrist, the air twists, he comes back empty-handed. "They have you. And you're the Iron Wall of Belobog. So it'll be ok."
Gepard finally manages to find his grip, snatches the front of Sampo's dark wet jacket and yanks him forward to hold onto him, and this close up, he can see it better, his colors are bleaching out, leaking outside the lines as if Sampo will become part of the background, as if he's fading into the strange fog that's been closing in on them. His fingers are already starting to feel empty again.
"Wake up."
Gepard jolts awake, uncurls his hands from where they're fisted in the blanket, scrubs the dampness off his face. Breathes. Breathes. Breathes. Today is supposed to be the day.
He throws on his civilian clothes, and he goes down to the shipyard the IPC had built. He finds a spot where he can see every person that returns to Belobog, and he waits.
And he waits and he waits and he waits.
No one he recognizes appears.
#sampard#gepo#hsr gepard#hsr sampo#gepard landau#sampo koski#honkai star rail#hsr#blood#my fics#lucid dreamer#there was more to this but it didn't feel right included here so part 2 tomorrow maybe?#I just think Penacony being the land of dreams presents some FASCINATING possibilities like showing up in other people's dreams#the end of masquerade duet killed me just beat me dead#Sampo going through all this trouble just to protect Belobog...#poor Ray got such an earful that night haha#In the Penacony dreamscape someone can change their appearance however they want but I think in this case where one of the dreamers AREN'T-#-on Penacony it would take more concentration to keep that illusion up#and if someone were say. hurt and badly bleeding. it would start to fall apart eventually as they lost their concentration.#but oh my heart#Sampo being away and missing Belobog so badly he shows up in his friends' dreams just to do the same mundane shit they always do...#He probably showed up to everyone#he sat around and kept Natasha company in her clinic. he pestered Seele until he provoked her into asking Bronya on a date.#he played one last song with Pela and Serval. he told them he'd always kept his old bass guitar.#he took Hook out on one last joyride on his scooter and he even let her sit up front and steer like she'd always wanted.#and he stood around to shoot the shit with Gepard#he got to go do things like run domestic errands together with him. as if they could have been something more than what they were at the en#it was nice to get the chance to do all that#it was nice
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