#I could have spent all day just smelling weird fragrance oils honestly

[blujayonthewing]

GREAT news I bought a perfume named Satyr and also a lovely little ceramic bowl and a handforged hair pin I got for Melliwyk Reasons and we had to wait forty minutes for turkey legs BUT they were free and I got to pull out my sketchbook and draw while we waited 😌

[thorn-amidst-roses]

Gonna talk about the lasering thing a bit - the whole process, part because I’m hype and part in case anyone is interested or wants to rubberneck. This is probably going to get a bit TMI, I am not a shy person, so I’m throwing it under a cut for that, for length (I do love to ramble), and in case no one cares.

I very much apologize for the five minutes of scrolling I may have just guaranteed to anyone on mobile.

OK so, as far as legs and forearms I don’t care about being a yeti. I actually like it. Chris hates the legs, but he keeps his damn mouth shut, as well he should. On the flip side of that, I don’t let him shave his beard, so fair’s-fair. In any case, I don’t mind shaving my legs - they’re easy, I only shave my lower legs (upper thighs are blonde and fine) and the skin plays nice.

No one gives a crap about my arms so they just run wild as nature intended. Sometimes I get at my face with a straight razor if I’m wearing makeup and want it to lie better or if I just want to have the experience of doing it because I’ve been called “miss” a few too many times that day.

Also I make my own shaving oil and it smells great so yeah.

The only parts I usually shave are my armpits (because otherwise I sweat like a mofo) and the whole...downstairs...mixup, because it grows all unruly-like. Trouble is, my armpits don’t like it and get super swollen and rashy (hurts bad man), and I get ingrown hairs at an insane rate where my underwear rubs.

I can’t wax at home (tried it, oh god it was a shitshow), I’m afraid of Nair (I think I tried it once as a teenager and it didn’t do shit for the hair, but burned my skin), and paying someone to wax me is $$$.

So that’s the long-ass story behind why I was sitting at a med spa today talking to a very nice lady about lasering my butthole.

All things said and done, it wasn’t cheap ($1k for underarms, $2k for the Brazilian), and that covers a 16-month treatment period of 8 treatments spaced 6-8 weeks apart, as well as lifetime touch-ups. It’s expensive, but we figured it’s basically like paying for every razor I’d ever buy all at once.

(TMI warning between the lines! Avert your eyes, shy people!!)

The Brazilian was decided on because I grow coarse hair that chafes the both of us when we do filthy things at each other. Either we suffer, or I shave it and am in rashy ingrown pain for days after. So we were prepared to throw some money at the issue and had been weighing options and lifetime costs for awhile now.

(TMI warning over!)

Oh and I get a $250 coupon towards Botox or fillers if I ever decide I want them (Chris says fuck no).

Anyway, we pay out - they offered payment plans (which I like because it uses less up-front money and doesn’t charge interest), but my accounts were frozen due to the Equifax breach and they company refused to unlock them without a handwritten letter. I ended up putting it on my card for the cashback and then paying it out of savings, so no harm done but now I need to take a break from doll buying and regenerate my cash, lame.

So they didn’t have any appointments in my time window until June, but they did have one opening...right fucking now. So they asked if I was ready to get down to business and I’m like...uh...I guess.

The start of the whole thing was a lot like waxing - they give you some soap and baby wipes to clean up with (I checked - the soap was non-fragranced and marketed for genital use - if it weren’t, that would’ve been red flag enough to send me to the door). Then you get as naked as necessary, drape yourself, and wait. In my case, I was in a tanktop and socks, which is somehow more hilariously awkward to me than just being naked.

I’m not at all shy about being naked in front of total strangers as long as we all know what’s up. The only weirdness came from not really understanding directions (”Bend your leg” had me like “wh? Like put my knee up? Like? No? Oh you mean splay it out OK”), and from my skin being stupidly ticklish - they had to mark out zones and then apply aloe afterwards, which was cold and goopy and honestly the worst part.

If you’ve ever looked into the process before, they say it sounds a lot like having a rubber band snapped against your skin over and over. That seems about right, but tbh I didn’t feel most of the zaps. A few were stingy, but not enough to make me flinch at all, and it was quick. To be fair, I have pretty high pain tolerance, but if my fucked up knee is 8/10 when trying to hobble down the stairs, this was like a 3/10, 4/10 at worst when I got zapped in a really sensitive spot (which wasn’t where you’d expect).

I’d imagine that this is easier than having a tattoo done, both in pain and duration. Haven’t had a tattoo, but based on what people have said about it. If you’re afraid of have a bad appointment, they do offer to call in lidocaine prescriptions to numb things up for next time.

The whole process (underarms and Brazilian) was about 20 minutes. It was ridiculously quick, and the worst part was the burning hair smell (and the aloe). The technician (who they did specify was a medical professional, not someone who was just licensed on the laser) kept up the basic dentist chair chatter throughout, and kept checking that I was okay.

The basics of it are that the laser burns away SOME of the hair during the process, but some hair will still be left behind to fall out within a week or so, so you won’t leave the office ready to lube yourself up and set some Slip N’ Slide records. Once you start the process, you can’t wax, thread, or use Nair for the entire duration (16 months, in my case) because they need the hair roots intact. You CAN shave, and are encouraged to shave - but you can’t shave 24-48 hours before an appointment because they need enough hair growth for the laser.

Aftercare is basically “don’t fuck with your skin for a bit”, no sun exposure/tanning for awhile afterwards (if you have to be in the sun, they say to use SPF50 WITH zinc), and apply aloe if things feel a little sunburned. Redness is normal for 24 hours, call them if it’s still red after that.

I’m at just about 6 hours out, and yes, my buttcrack feels mildly sunburned, which is a weird occasion.. It seems to come in waves - my armpits were irritated first, and now it’s my ass. Honestly though it’s not bad, I’m pale as shit and burn all the time, and this is noooothiiiiing compared to that.

Um, maybe feels a bit like razorburn, actually?

So yeah, I dunno, not cheap but not like, insane. But my scale of “insane” is along the lines of “why is top surgery not covered by insurance holy fuck”, so, grain of very salty salt I guess. It came in about the same price as my out-of-pocket costs for getting my tubes removed, which is a little wild, but this a better deal for time spent (turns out that laparoscopic tube surgeries are a very “wham-bam-thank-you-m...sorry, sir” sort of affair clocking in at 10-20 minutes).

So, yeah, that’s it. I kind of wish I’d thought to take “before” pictures (of my underarms, I’ll spare y’all the business) so I could show progress as this goes along, but I did not. Oh well.