#I convinced myself I'd get doxxed if I posted it

[selemiaoo]

daan's beta design is so 😭 he looks like he got his doctorate at soy university

[eowynstwin]

Hi everyone. It's been a while—exactly a month since I last posted to this blog. How have you been?

A month isn't really all that long, but it's enough time to be able to look at everything that happened and understand it better. In the end, the whole situation (I've been calling it The Fuckening in my head) really didn't have anything to do with me. I was unlucky enough to run across someone willing to hurt anyone they could for attention, but also lucky enough that everyone who mattered to me in this fandom went to bat for me.

So I’ve decided to come back to this blog. I'll be posting about call of duty again as well as posting my writing. I also plan to blog about other fandoms (I’d already been doing it anyway); I've been getting back into rdr2, for example, and there's some writing I'd like to do for that.

There’s more context which I’ll put below the cut, but that’s the most important part of what I have to say; I often regret how long winded I can be, so the rest is just self indulgence if you can forgive it. I’ve thought a lot about this choice and I’m satisfied with my decision. I hope none of you will mind.

So, lol, things were not great outside of fandom stuff when it all kicked off, though I didn’t mention it publicly because we all know by now that asking for any sympathy when you’re the target of a mob is more likely to just get you raked over the coals harder. I’m still not entirely sure about talking about all of this, but I have a bad tendency to clam up when I really should be asking for support. So:

I mentioned briefly before the accusations started flying that I was dealing with bedbugs—turns out it was actually something else, but leading up to a doctor’s visit I was convinced I had an infestation, and I was stripping my bed every day to look for them. I had alarms set to wake me up twice a night to see if I could catch them, so I was not sleeping all that well. I couldn’t find anything, but I had no other explanation, and it was driving me fucking crazy. Post doctor visit it turns out I had a viral infection. No idea where I caught it, and nothing to do but wait it out. I had a massive, gnarly looking rash all over my body, and to add insult to injury I developed a fever that took me out for a whole weekend. (I’m recovered now but I have a nifty new scar on my hip from getting a biopsy.)

Next to that, I was having some PTSD flareups of my own. This was (mostly) unrelated to The Fuckening. Now, I understand that that might be hard to believe, given “Myka’s” claims, and I can’t make you believe me. Nor will I provide details to convince you, other than to say there were some things going on in my neighborhood that recalled a period of time in my life that was extremely unstable, and I found myself irrationally terrified to go home every day. For those of you who don’t experience the symptoms of PTSD, I think it’s appropriate to note that it isn’t just emotional turmoil; I, personally, experience physical pain in my entire body that lingers for hours, days, or even weeks after being triggered. (Everything regarding this, too, is fine now. I have a great therapist and a supportive family.)

All of this to say, I wasn’t exactly thinking rationally when I decided to leave this blog and fandom. And I regretted the decision almost instantly.

However, I didn’t want to let grief make any decisions for me, and also I was still VERY scared Myka was going to hunt down my personal information and either dox or harass me elsewhere. I think this fear was justified; it has happened to other writers in this fandom before.* So I decided to take some time to cool off and watch the situation develop without me.

I don’t think I need to get into the details—although if you’re interested in them, @fulltacs has been keeping track of the drama. Given the most recent development with the four obviously sock puppet blogs that popped up and immediately began stirring shit up again, I realized Myka probably would have done what she did with or without me. I just so happened to give her the ammunition she needed to do something REALLY big. It was pure bad luck.

(Also—and I’m sorry if this is just stirring the pot, but after everything they did to me I feel I deserve to make the accusation—I’ve suspected for a while that the two loudest blogs leading the witch hunt against me were far more involved in this farce than anyone has assumed. I have no proof and I do not want anyone to do anything about it on my behalf, leave them the fuck alone. But I will not forget the distress they caused me for a long fucking time, and the only way for me to let this go is to say my piece. So there. Done. Let that be the end of it.)

Having this hindsight, I feel comfortable coming back. I’m still very touched by everyone’s support, which in the end was louder than the harassment. I also think it’s important for people who care about fighting racism in any community not to run at the first sign of trouble, which I did, and I feel pretty sorry for.

That’s the gist of things. If you’ve read all of this, thank you for doing so!

*I was going to add a paragraph about halfmoth-halfman’s situation but decided against it. For one thing, she wants to be left alone, and for another, talking about the experiences of fans of color, particularly black fans, deserves its own post separate from my white experience, if I should even post about it at all.

[eggmeralda]

15 mutuals 15 questions

tagged by @skelkankaos thanks :D

1. Are you named after anyone? not that I know of

2. When was the last time you cried?

(I had this saved in my notes a few days ago when the last time I cried was bc I was laughing at a memory, but inconveniently I forgot to post it in time and now the new last time I cried was last night and also today lol. but I'll still keep what I wrote before bc it's happier:)

basically my sister has this MASSIVE toy golden retriever puppy and he's really cute and this one time I was sitting at the top of the stairs holding him but I accidentally let go and he fell and like. he is so big and it caused such destruction. and I was like "OH MY GOD" and my sister in the other room was like "NO HE HASN'T FALLEN DOWN YHE STAIRS HAS HE" and for some reason it absolutely ruined my whole life like I'm literalyl laughing while typing this rn it's not even that funny but just the image I have in my head is ingrained there forever. anyway I was talking about with my sister again a few days ago and started crying and couldn't even finish my sentence

3. Do you have kids? no

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? sometimes but I'm usually so bad at getting the balance between sarcastic and convincing so people think I'm being serious and it is Pain, so I don't do it that much

5. What sports do you play/have played? at school I remember doing rounders, tennis, football, netball and rugby and probably other stuff. but I'm ngl I may not have fully played any sport since then dkfjdkf

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people? I'm like the least perceptive person I'll only really notice something if it's glaringly obvious

7. What’s your eye color? green

8. Scary movies or happy endings? I guess happy endings, if a film is kind of sad I at least like an ambiguous ending so there's a bit of hope.

idm like creepy/scary or like. horrifying endings (the only example I can think of is Threads lol) but most of my favourite films have happy or ambiguous endings

9. Any special talents? can play any tune on an instrument based on just hearing it

also being able to remember my entire life in detail from since I was 13 (though idk if it's a talent or a curse lol)

10. Where were you born? not to dox myself but the local hospital (somewhere in southern england)

11. What are your hobbies? listening to music and zoning out, thinking about ocs and the made up country they come from, watching the golden ratio dogs all day, watching like 3 hours of coronation street a day (<- needs to get a real hobby or a job)

12. Do you have pets? sadly not

13. How tall are you? 5'8/173cm I think? I was 173cm when I was 12 and I haven't really grown much since then tbh so it's probably around the same

14. Favorite subject in school? music or spanish

15. Dream job? archivist is what I aspire to be but in the ideal society I'd be collecting trolleys in a supermarket car park

tagging: @imyselfamstrange @nicholasvanryn @atlasllm @tammyoshanter @tears-of-a-goddess @painting-clouds @assassinsnight @rockradiojunky @stxrks @straycalamities @fishtish @eponinnne @lemonine @poppyseedmuffiin @partyshark feel free to do it or not <3

[saltywatercrocodile]

Hi I saw your PSA for therian minors, and as someone who wants to start a quadrobics channel when I'm 18 (pretty soon) I'm wondering if you have any advice on how to do that safely? I already plan on making my parents aware of it, never showing my face, maybe distorting my voice, not disclosing my age/location and not showing road/business signs in my videos. I'd love to hear any thoughts/tips you have :)

Hi!

Disclaimer, I'm not really an expert on internet safety or anything, I mostly only know what I've been told not to do, or what I've seen other people get doxxed for. I also don't normally post images/videos of myself on the internet so I'm not really used to having to watch out for these things.

That being said, I think all the things you've mentioned are great ideas, and I can't think of anything major that you've missed. Distorting your voice is an awesome idea! I do that a lot in voice channels with strangers, not even out of fear of trolls, just to get the species euphoria of having a lower crocodile rumble lol

Honestly, the vast majority of internet trolls have no way to actually hurt you, they just make a living scaring people into thinking they will. Most (in my experience) can be scared off pretty quickly if you sound confident and tell them what they're doing is illegal and that you will or have let the police know. You might not even have to actually call the police, in most of the experiences I've seen people have, trolls just get scared and run off if you sound convincing enough, it's not like they'll ask for proof that you've called. They're used to people getting scared and not knowing the law and immediately sending them the blackmail money.

My main issue in the main post was that these kids/teens were giving that 1% of actually dangerous people the chance to hurt them, and the other 99% the chance to blackmail them. If they don't know not to keep identifying logos out of shots, they probably don't know cyber-security laws and are at risk of someone scaring them out of money with empty threats. You seem aware and responsible, so I don't think you'll be in any danger, and hopefully you'll never even have to encounter trolls.

I wish you luck with your channel and I really hope it's fun and rewarding for you :}

[tobyisms]

it would be embarrassing, how desperate i am to please you, a being who i only became aware of less than a half hour ago. i'm not embarrassed. the desire to please is far greater than any of my other, useless emotions.

i am curious, though. i saw one of your posts, the one where you said you wanted to ruin one's life. and i find myself curious, how much do you think it would take before i cracked? i mean, this, my eager-to-please demeanor, it's clearly a mask, even if it feels real enough in the moment. if i was hurt, i bet i'd crack and start trying to get away. the only question is how much it would take. and how much you'd take advantage of it. i mean, i'd tell you my full name, my address, my main emails, within a day -- you'd just have to convince me that you wouldn't do anything bad with them, wouldn't be difficult at all. i'm just curious how long it would take before i regretted meeting you at all. and how badly you could ruin me.

oh, definitely not long at all. i can tell just from how you even sent me an ask in the first place – how pathetic you are. you'd crack the very second i would show my true colors. of course, by then, it'd already be too late for you to back out.

i'd psychologically torture you. i'd ruin your sense of self – really, there wouldn't even be a you left. it'd just be all me, me, me. i'd mold you into exactly what i want. into a pathetic little thing that only exists to please me, to feed into my bad habits. and i wouldn't do it because i really want to be praised or someone to enable me that badly or anything like that – i'd do it simply because destroying you from the inside out would be so fun for me.

though, i imagine you'd be way too scared to even think of it, if you god forbid ever tried to leave, i'd threaten to dox you. your sad, meaningless life would be in the palm of my hands. sometimes, maybe i'd even let you think you got away, that i let you go. just to waltz right back into your life and indulge in watching your resolve crumble all over again.

you could try to get away if you wanted, but i'd never let you :)

[iron-stripmine]

My opinion on the whole manatreed situation, as a victim of abuse myself.

Trigger warning for topics associated with this whole thing (Domestic Abuse, Doxxing) and for my own abuse (Child Abuse, Paranoia, Isolation, Gaslighting, Financial Abuse, Alcoholism, Blood, Suicide Attempts) because I know that if I don't give details about it, I will be attacked and have my trauma dismissed more than I already will have, and frankly I'd prefer to revisit these memories than to be accused of "Not Believing Victims" more than I already have been.

This is... A really long post tbh, and if you are wondering why I'm not using names besides Dream's and Manatreed, it is to respect the wishes of the victim.

First off, I will admit my abuse was different than the abuse manatreed was and is being accused of committing. For one, my abuser is my own mother, it occured during the majority of my childhood and a good part of my teenagehood so far, and I was encouraged to not speak up to not cause heartbreak to my grandparents.

To summarize all of it in a neat timeline, however, my mom split off from my dad on christmas due to a belief he was cheating (a single photo hugging a female college friend, both clothed and during a party hosted by his job), I was forced to move and with her, and forbidden from visiting or being visited by my dad for years, despite the fact we lived two streets away in a safe area of a small town. During that time, my mother's alcoholism worsened severely, and she'd often throw parties in our house with shady characters. She'd come and yell at me, most of the times drunk, and when she was sober she'd try to convince me my father cared more about the "sluts" he was dating, and say that whatever she did while drunk didn't matter because she wasn't sober and didn't remember it. She'd steal money my grandparents gave me, destroy my books, and deliberately use my father's support money and the money she stole to buy beer and cigarettes, or send me to buy those at the bar we lived right beside if she had a hungover.

She dated several shit men, before finally settling on a dude named alan. Alan took us to live on an isolated small farm, where I needed to walk a kilometre to get into a village, and besides also stealing my money and forcing me to give him a total of more than a thousand reais, he also liked to play "pranks" on me, such as abandoning my dog in a hole for several days, tossing a frog at me and making me piss myself during my period. My mother thought that was the funniest shit ever, didn't defend me, and took out her rage at him being a shit partner on me. She broke my phone and several other items by tossing them on the ground in rage, and forced me to either mediate her fights with them or being yelled at for being a shitty daughter who didn't care about her and her feelings. I was suicidal during most of these years, and when I wasn't planning how to kill myself or trying to manage to jump from the tallest point of my school, I was having to talk these two adults who should be taking care of me from killing themselves over the other. I was still, of course, the ungrateful good for nothing daughter who was barely scrapping by in school despite having had such good grades before her divorce with my dad. My dad himself didn't believe my abuse was "that bad" because his own girlfriend thought that, due to her childhood abuse being more physical than mine. I managed to live with him for a short while, before being sent back to my mother when she moved back into town, and she stole my house keys, broke a fan by clubbing me with it, jumped over me and pulled my hair and forced me to carry her on my back while she did so, pulled my dress off in the middle of the street at night, called me a monster and an aberration and told me i wasnt her daughter, abandoned me in the middle of our house with pools of blood at 2 am after she cut her boyfriend's wrist by knocking him on the window (and funny thing about walking with blood on your soles, it sticks to the ground worse than anything and you can literally feel it drying and flaking). After having a panic attack and having to call my dad via facebook and sending him photos with a laptop camera, I was taken back to my dad's house and I am still regularly threatened with being returned to her when hes in a bad mood and forced to interact with her for my mothly gaslighting session do the state doesn't take me away, while also having my own trauma and mental health problems considered less serious because we cant afford a therapist and get me "officially diagnosed".

So. Having all that in mind, let's talk about the manatreed situation

Even the start of it was suspicious. It was a burner account, (and suspicion number one! You shouldn't use anonymous shit to deliver controversial topics and news, because if you want to be taken seriously you should at least offer a shred of accountability yourself, and stand for what you re saying) it did not come from the victim (suspicion number two! It was speaking indirectly, and not even as "friend of a friend" just straight up a random abuse case) it doxxed the victim herself (suspicion number three, for obvious reasons when coupled with the suspicion before this one), it came out less than a day after Manatreed's first stream, of which many were outraged due to him being a random dude (suspicion number four and five. How was it that people managed to find and doxx someone so fast, and how it was so convenient that it was someone people already hated?), the connection between the supposed IRL Manatreed was that he was childhood friends with a blond dude named clayton (suspicion number six, seven, eight: clayton is not dream's name, it's clay, clayton is an extremely common name, im brazillian and know more than three people named that, and it's a meme in my country, and finally, dream has outright stated he is not blonde) and finally, in regards to the "dream housed the supposed irl manatreed", it provided a date (suspicion number nine, ten, only of the original thread: the date in which that would have happened dream was living in another location, and it said dream was 22 more than half a year before he actually was)

So. Ten points that would already be suspicious as fuck, only in the original post. Now, let's speak of the outright major bullshit, the magnum opus of straight up lies: they could definitely prove Mantreed was the supposed IRL Manatreed... By the shape of his fucking chin.

Now. Let's ignore how nearly every skinny white dude has the same facial facial features. Let's ignore how the supposed IRL Manatreed had a butt chin that Manatreed did Not. You are telling me... That you could identify someone, down to specifics identity... Out of their chin. That has no beauty marks, scars, nothing.

Cap. Fucking cap so hard.

The following thread, that less people saw but still affected the narrative, was supposedly doxxing Manatreed's sister, that shared the name with supposed IRL Manatreed's sister, and she followed Manatreed.

The problem with that is that that account straight up doesn't exist. People looked for it, it doesn't exist. The thread then posted this image

Which as multiple people pointed out, is... Blatantly photoshopped. Look at his mouth area, and the lightning, and how someone smoothened the butt chin of supposed IRL Manatreed but like. Really badly. I have done better than this on ibis paint.

But, you might say, "we got concerned because of dream's reaction."

Dream is a victim of domestic abuse himself. Dream mentions on his twitlonger (the post below this on my blog) that he panicked and "had a bit of a breakdown". Now. I want you to ignore this is dream. A victim of domestic abuse, already having experienced doxxing and people not believing them, upon seeing constant discussion of Domestic Abuse, might be... Triggered. Shocking.

After that, he then published his own twitlonger the day after, we are here now in the timeline, WITH HIM SAYING MANATREED WAS QUITTING CONTENT CREATION DUE TO ANXIETY, and people started taking it as confirmation that manatreed was an abuser, and also dismissing his own abuse and commemorating manatreed was quitting

And frankly, I do not blame him for doing anything he could to try and distract us so we would stop.

Then this whole shit was even more throughly disproved because, hey, guess what? Manatreed's Actual IRL information was published. This whole shit was proven false with another doxxing

Sincerely, fuck yall. Fuck all of yalls bloody assholes if you are doing that, you are straight up cunts, you are spreading misinformation, you are dismissing abuse victims, you handled this shit even worse than yall are saying dream & manatreed did, you all added fuel to the fire and refused to believe shit disproving it. I barely interact with the dsmp fandom as it is, but jesus christ this was a fucking cesspit.

These are my thoughts on this situation. keep peace in your hearts and critical thinking in your minds instead of discourse, goodbye

[askwendyokoopa]

I'd say just ignore Kirmun. That's what I've been doing after an encounter with her months ago. It's clear she's just a troll craving attention when she passworded her drama blog and yet continues to put drama on her rp blog while saying she doesn't like drama in her rules.

((So, slight technicality, I want to ignore her really, but Stacy told me about the post, even though I was fed up with archiving crap for her… it’s a long story. Basically the internet archive records who archives each link, so we agreed that I would be the one to archive everything because I had already doxxed myself, so it doesn’t matter if Kirmun gets my URL. I’ve actually talked about this before.

Why does she need to archive everything Kirmun says? Well, because Kirmun deletes everything she says after it’s been used against her. Anyhow, last week or something I told Stacy to find someone else to do her archiving because I’m sick of it. Then this thing happened, I honestly don’t know what to do, ignoring her sends her into a seething rage, last time I ignored her and somehow convinced Stacy to ignore her and not to respond to a ‘vagueblog’ that was ‘baiting’ her was when she sent out the callout post.

There must be some way to give her enough attention, as if to say ‘Yes I see you, oh you’re hurting me please stop’ every so often to appease her so she stops going off the deep end. On the other hand, there’s only a handful of people on tumblr who actually listen to her, maybe I should really cut her off full stop and let her burn herself out. The only problem is she already has all my personal information; I mean, everybody who knows how to click on links does, but she’s crazy. And all of this because of her silly little feud over nothing with Stacy.))

Whatever, just block #kirmunsdrama and everything should be fine