#I cannot justify doing that every time to myself though

[cherriecove]

Fine Line Between Duty and Oaths (Part 4)

Gwayne Hightower x Targ!Reader

Summary: The second born daughter of King Viserys I Targaryen and Queen Aemma is just as brave, beautiful and stubborn as her older sister but cannot deny her growing love for a certain red haired knight who just so happens to be a dear friend's brother.

Cherrie's note:She/Her pronouns. I am amazed by how much love you guys have shown my writing. Thank you so so much for your support, i hope i can keep you all happy.

Masterlist | Previous Part | Next Part

Watching Gwayne train was more exhilarating than you’d anticipated. Despite his youth, his skill with a sword was undeniable. He dispatched opponents with a grace and ease that bordered on effortless, his confidence—teetering on arrogance—seemingly justified by his prowess. It was clear that his confidence wasn’t misplaced, though it stirred a mix of admiration and irritation within you. You were captivated by him, his every move drenched in sweat yet still strikingly handsome. A fleeting thought crossed your mind: a wish to knock him off his high horse, if only to humble him. Yet, even with his confident demeanor, he looked every bit the part of a heavenly vision. You were painfully aware of how your cheeks flushed at the mere sight of him, a fact not lost on him, judging by the small smirk he directed your way after helping up his sparring partner.

Considering whether to order your sworn protector to intervene and knock him down was a fleeting thought. Instead, you stood, smoothing your dress. Gwayne jogged over, concern evident in his eyes. “You aren’t leaving already, are you, Princess? Am I not impressive enough?”

You descended the steps of the viewing stand with his assistance. “It was satisfactory, Ser.”

Gwayne placed a hand over his heart in mock distress. “I’ve disappointed my princess. Whatever shall I do to recover?”

You smiled, shaking your head at his dramatic flair. “I have every faith that you’ll redeem yourself in the tourney, Ser Gwayne.”

As you headed toward the Red Keep’s entrance, Gwayne’s voice followed. “I hope so too, my Princess!”

The day of the tourney had finally arrived, and the atmosphere in the Red Keep was electric with anticipation. Royal duties had kept you and Gwayne apart, your time together limited to quick exchanges and lingering glances. You found yourself missing him more than you’d expected, a testament to the swift and deep connection that had formed between you.

In the royal box, you were seated between Rhaenyra and Alicent. Alicent was visibly nervous about her brother’s performance, her hands fidgeting with her nails. You placed your hand over hers, giving a reassuring squeeze. She returned the gesture, understanding your shared concern for Gwayne. Both she and your sister had noted your growing fondness for the knight, often teasing you about it in the days leading up to the tournament.

As your father rose to announce the commencement of the tourney, your attention was elsewhere, scanning the arena for Gwayne. When you finally spotted him, your heart skipped a beat, and you silently prayed to the old gods and the new for his safety. When the knights came to request favors, you turned down every offer, knowing precisely where your allegiance lay.

Gwayne approached, removing his helmet and smiling up at you. “Princess, it would be an honor if you would present me with your favour. Even if I lose, I would still consider myself a winner.”

Your cheeks flushed at his words. You picked up your flower wreath and approached the barrier, the eyes of your father and Otto Hightower upon you. But in that moment, their scrutiny faded as you focused solely on Gwayne. “Of course, Ser. Do be careful.” You placed the wreath on his lance, and the connection between you was palpable. His nod was a silent promise, and though no more words passed between you, the understanding was mutual. He donned his helmet and returned to his place.

As you resumed your seat, the weight of your father’s and Otto Hightower’s gazes became more pronounced. You tried to steady your breath, watching intently as the jousting began. Gwayne’s skill was evident, but his opponent had the advantage of experience and brute strength. You gasped silently as Gwayne was unseated with a jarring impact, struggling to suppress your urge to cry out. Instead, you gripped Alicent’s hand tightly, your heart racing with concern. Despite knowing Gwayne’s stubbornness, you wished he would yield to avoid further injury. Yet, true to form, he stood and challenged his opponent to continue on the ground. Though nimble and quick, Gwayne’s superior opponent’s strength and strategy soon took their toll. Gwayne fought valiantly but was ultimately overpowered and forced to yield. As he released his sword and was helped from the field, your worry surged.

You quickly excused yourself from the royal box, making a hasty yet dignified dash toward the deep green tent. Your urgency overrode the need for decorum; your only focus was Gwayne. The thought of him hurt and vulnerable drove you to disregard the etiquette you had been taught since childhood, propelled only by your concern for the knight who had swiftly become significant in your life.

Tag List: @deniixlovezelda @kieracassette

[rationalnerd62]

As someone who has spent a year and half watching C1/C2/C3, is now finally caught up, and as a result is finally allowing myself to look at fandom reactions to episodes... Boy, critical role discourse is weird.

People will spend days arguing about who's evil and who isn't, which decisions made sense and which ones did not, whether the plot point is solid or not, what's the consequences of that fake action in that fake world, who's a psychopath and who isn't, which group is better than the other, etc etc etc.

Meanwhile I'm there enjoying every single episode of that show. For ten years, this group of friends has met every week to roll some dice. They've created characters that made them laugh, and cry, and smile, and frown, and shout, in excitement, fury, terror and joy. Through them, they've lived adventures, drama, tension, trauma, in a sandbox world they'll never put a foot in. They've created wonders in Exandria, then destroyed them just to see what would happen (shout out to Emon and the Chroma Conclave arc 🎉).

Their world had mystical artifacts, so they created lost civilisations to justify both their existence and rarity. It had Gods, so they gave them backstories and myths, to make this world feel real. They understood that history in itself is flawed, so the knowledge of the past is changing. Each campaign, they went on bigger questions, bigger challenges. From very early on, Campaign 3 has been questioning the status quo between Gods and Mortals, and what we know of the deities has evolved as a result. Why should I care, really, whether Bell's Hells are right or not to challenge the Gods. It's obviously a storyline that Matt and the rest of the cast were curious to explore, so they're doing it. Maybe it'll work out great, maybe it won't, they don't know, and that's fine. After all, what is the point of a sandbox world if you cannot push a few red buttons.

And of course, not every plot point or decision is going to be resilient to scrutiny. It's an improvised ttrpg game, with 100+ episodes per campaign, and we're almost at 500h in length for C3. Yesterday, in my ttrpg, I forgot who my new vice purveyor was, after I overindulged a few months ago (... It's a Blade in the Dark thing). Last week, I invented a drag persona for my character because I was trying to find a distraction and I panicked. Ttrpg are soooo random, mate. Even with professional players like the Critical Role folks, it stays a ttrpg. Things get forgotten. Some things get developed and others don't get the time to. Discussions happen, and sometimes they happen again six months later because maybe characters have changed or maybe not. It's not a scripted TV show, where things can be planned in advance and you know the characters will stick to the script. Inconsistencies will happen, and that's fine.

(Contrary to my ttrpg though, the CR folks are absolutely mind-blowing improv actors and watching them every week stays absolutely thrilling to me. Some of the things you all have apparently fought a long time about are some of my favorite moments, in any of the campaigns. See swordgate, a masterpiece of dramatic improv and bonkers choices. Those players are *not here* to stay safe, they want to feel the highest highs and the lowest lows and I am there for it 🥺.)

[erwinsvow]

same nonnie who said she loved teh angst of them seeing each other i just read ur hashtags and omg?!!!? i love it i usually love love angst but i love them being together too much to want this pairing apart but i think it would be so good… imagine her even saying she doesn’t want kids if it’ll worry him😭😭😭 like she just wants him so badly to understand how much she loves him

i really need to study and i gave myself chest pains by thinking more about that and like as someone who cannot handle angst without a happy ending i will try to give us the best of both worlds. night shift reader would 10000% plead with jack to not break up, feels so stupid begging him because she never thought she would have to, when everything in their relationship is like a fairy tale because they have so much mutual understanding. they just have always understood each other so well, from their first shift together, the first time they really got to know each other.

six months in is that comfortable spot where everyone makes jokes about your wedding and you go home together every night. you know in another six months you'll be moving in together and talking more about the future than you already have. so when jack has this whole crisis about your age (something set it off, i don't know what exactly yet. the comment from the waiter is one thing. it would take more, maybe he saw a patient come in with a young wife and they're bickering and fighting and he sees something he doesn't want to in their relationship.)

night shift reader would just be so sad. pleading that she doesn't care about kids if she can't raise them with jack. that maybe they can foster and adopt if it's really about that—though you've been dizzy with the idea of carrying jack's babies and being pregnant and having him dote on you more than he already does. you put aside the baby names you've been saving your whole life, the nursery you want to decorate, you'd get rid of it all if it meant keeping the life you want with jack from disappearing.

and he knows you!!!! he knows you want all of that! he refuses to take it from you. tells you that you need someone closer to your age who can give you all of that. he thinks this relationship was meant to happen because it's the happiest he's been in as long as he can remember, and then he thinks he's doing you a favor by breaking it off so you can have the sort of life you've always wanted. winter into spring into summer. you go back to the day shift, anxious at 7am and 7pm with the idea of seeing jack again. you try to talk to him but he says he's not gonna change his mind. you ask him if he ever loved you and he says of course i did, sweetheart. it's because i love you that i had to do this.

the worst part is while you're horribly depressed like this, jack would be justifying it and thinking that you'll get over him soon and get a new boyfriend and be fine. hears from robby and dana how sad you are and how different you seem and how you plunge yourself into work to avoid going home. there are no dates, no boyfriends. just you and your job and using all the skills jack taught you.

idk how they'd get back together. maybe one day you go to the roof after a bad loss and robby tells jack he saw you head up and that he's worried about you. you think no one can find you up there but then jack shows up and you'll be damned if you don't feel the enormity of his absence all over again. or maybe one day there is a date, a surgeon upstairs who has always flirted with you but you never paid any attention since you were smitten with jack since the minute you met him. hears about it from dana, who tells him he made a mistake until his ears bleed. you have a shitty date and jack has a shitty day and you both end up taking a walk through your favorite section of the park where you bump into each other. idk. maybe something like that.

[wisterianightmare]

So I’m still newish to LADS (started after Caleb’s debut) and while I have a decent number of memories I do try to pace myself with the content outside of the main story. I’m careful to avoid spoilers and admittedly don’t read many fanfics (since there’s risk of allusions to content I haven’t seen yet), so take this with a grain of salt.

I love a problematic fave more than is probably psychologically healthy, but something about Caleb and the intentionality in his writing hits a very raw nerve with me. I’m beyond hooked by it. The deep appreciation I have for the writers of this game cannot be expressed enough. His nuances and the way that he loves is meticulously well thought-out and honestly addictive. After watching Rain’s Embrace for the first time though, today I’m focused on his flaws. Join me for a cup of tea while I ramble?

Big Caleb rant incoming: if you’re not fond of takes that are critical (even coming from a self proclaimed Caleb fan) then this might be one to scroll on! Also spoilers for Homecoming Wings and Bond story: Rain’s Embrace.

TW for use of the word “abuse.” Please do not respond with further spoilers!

So, tell me why every time I do engage with more of Caleb’s content I get invariably upset. Tell me why every time I get my suspicions confirmed about his “nature” pre-Boom it gets me more invested in him but also makes me want to throw up. Explain to me how I can love him SO much but can’t even put him in my café right now because the way he spoke to MC in Rain’s Embrace makes it hard to look at him. (Ironically he dressed himself today and wore the “let me think” troubled squiggly lines that hover over his head. Yeah.).

Having completed Homecoming Wings, it’s not the first time I’ve heard the “you think you don’t need me” speech, but the version in his Bond story would’ve had me crashing and burning. The kind of hysterical, self-destructive spiral that would’ve sent me on (after alluding to the fact that getting locked in the attic had been traumatic and then confirming that with the final thunderstrike?): just nah. His cruel little smirk when he realizes that MC suspects that he was responsible for that (absolutely phenomenally rendered btw - I had to watch it twice because I thought I imagined it)? The masterful way he uses physical and emotional discomfort/dominance to control where the conversation is going, and how he plays it off as harmless teasing? Diabolical. Practiced. And a gold star to the VA, because at first Caleb’s tone and words don’t quite match the expression and body language that screams covert intentions, but as the conversation continues that tone shifts to match his conviction. He knew she wouldn’t find that confession cute. He knew she was upset from the start. He still used the story as a twisted teaching moment to reinforce his necessity in MC’s life. That wasn’t an attempt to bond. MC tries to bond by tickling him and pinching his cheeks (read as: friendly, playful affectionate gestures to reinforce safety in what could be a vulnerable moment). Caleb’s confession was an effort to reassert MC’s dependence on him by contextualizing her own personal mythology as being by his guiding design. And the way it ends??? I guess Caleb just fucking off after an uncomfortable conflict of values is a pattern of behavior worth keeping track of (current tally: 3).

I stg I don’t need more projects, but tell me why every tiny story we get between Caleb and MC makes me want to rewrite all of their scenes together to reflect a more “reasonable” reaction to the gaslighting and threats - not because I hate him for them but because it would just be so. Interesting. To play with. So interesting to see how he would respond to such an overt expression of distress at his control tactics. Would he be able to continue justifying what is essentially abuse (don’t come at me - we can love it and acknowledge it) if the reaction he received showed that the harm he was causing was both obvious and was disproportionate to the fears he lets fuel those decisions? Because I think in the case of the Bond story, it is disproportionate. It’s projection in part - which Caleb acknowledges himself in the scene and with his decision (lie) to once and for all let go. We know that the acknowledgement is genuine here because it’s said to himself! MC isn’t even awake in the moment (and did she cry herself to sleep? Because that’s how I interpreted that transition).

Or… would it result in the opposite? Would a more extreme reaction only incentivize him more? Would it confirm MC’s fears that Caleb is right about her capabilities and result in more fawning? There’s evidence of this too (Rain’s Embrace, Endless Summer, Exclusive Aftertaste, etc.) in MC’s response to him pulling away: to plead with him not to. In multiple memories now when MC asks Caleb to respect her autonomy, Caleb does so by removing his presence from her life. We as the audience know that he continues to keep an eye on her from afar, but MC doesn’t know that. Does he disappear for stints (aside from, you know, dying - which is a whole other can of worms) with the intention of punishing MC for standing her ground, or is that just a functional side effect? Is he trying to prove her wrong when he lets MC stand on her own without him? Or is he trying to prove himself wrong, only to be thwarted by outside forces at every turn? Is that why I continue to forgive these choices - because it’s so extremely difficult not to empathize deeply with someone who is proven correct to the point of devastation even when they wish for nothing more than to be wrong? (Again, Infold, remove yourself from my cranium please).

It’s obvious as to why MC cannot react in either extreme within the canon narrative by nature of it being self-insert and also because of the potential to undermine the strength of her personality. But given their codependent bond and her obvious trauma I don’t find her responses to these situations entirely convincing. Necessary to provide a platform for Caleb’s characterization - absolutely - but not entirely reasonable. Not unless MC’s behavior is meant to be read as wishy-washy because Caleb’s push and pull is confusing and conflicting (his love and his control, his reliability and his alienation)… which yeah. This is obviously consistent behavior from him that MC is conditioned to. Are we meant to read this as Caleb’s gaslighting being effective? It would certainly explain how MC handles the reunion a bit more through the framing of Caleb handling all conflict between them with this same kind of coercive emotional aggression. Is that why she’s seemingly so used to the games-that-clearly-are-not-games that Caleb corners her into before feigning nonchalance? Why is she so willing to accept these “hard truths” he drops with such pointed cruelty just because he behaves reassuringly and care-free directly afterwards - and effectively making MC responsible for any escalation by cutting off communication and acting like she’s crazy for being upset? Perhaps like MC, I cannot wrap my mind around what is true, and what Caleb believes is true enough to justify it all.

And I just cannot stop thinking about it.

How am I supposed to not turn this into 3,471 meta-focused fanfics that nobody asked for?

[privateanxieties]

these final hours

Summary: When your job becomes too overwhelming, Frank decides enough is enough. A brief conversation reveals that things run deeper than he thought.

----------------------------------------

His verdict comes down one Sunday evening, breaking you from the melancholic stupor you're well into traversing.

"Alright, that's it."

There's a part of you that wants to protest immediately. It's always the first one to make itself known, because it's the one that feels the most fear. No, you cannot just quit your job, no matter the toll it's taking on you. No matter how many people tell you it's making you fade. No matter how little you stand to gain from keeping it up. Because if you do, then - then -

"Don't look at me like that. I said that's enough. You ain't going tomorrow."

There is, however, another part of you: the one that could cry out in sheer relief just by being presented with an out.

You don't even know what it is, exactly. Everyone has to work who was not born fortunate. People have much harder jobs than you do, and they get paid even less. So many struggle to make ends meet. You have neither the long, nor the short straw. The work is completely average, though perhaps below your capabilities. Definitely below your studies - God knows you're not justifying any of those student loans, save for maybe lots of jobs requiring some kind of degree these days. No, you can't quite grasp where all this melancholia with regard to your job originates.

When you really look at your situation, you have to abstain from getting carried away by overwhelming disappointment over how unjustified all this grief seems. Things could be a hell of a lot worse. People go through things at work that render them suicidal, and here you are, on a Sunday night, sad that you have to wake up for your commute.

"Sweetheart, you gotta talk to me. Alright? Can't handle seein' you like this. Nothin's worth it, you hear me? Ain't a goddamn thing in this world worth what this shit does to you."

Frank's hand on your knee makes you immediately tense up. It's instantaneous sensory overload from a simple touch and you can't explain it. It bothers you that you can't explain because it's another thing that's wrong with you. Another overreaction to an inoffensive event.

Before you can move away or even just barely take a breath, the warmth of his skin disappears. You hate the relief that washes over you. Who feels better when someone they love stops being affectionate? You, apparently. Always against the grain.

"You know I'm not making you do anything. Yeah? Need to hear that you know that."

A nod is what you manage, but eye contact has yet to happen. You theorize that if it were to happen, if you were to see him in this moment of wild vulnerability, you'd probably want to run from him and all else in the world.

"You don't have shit to prove to anyone. You included. Can't try to beat yourself into a mold if that mold's just gonna take away all the best parts of you."

Your chest rattles, and you try to keep your breath from becoming a pained gasp.

"You know, just 'cause I read doesn't mean I'm good with words. That's all you. But I'll say whatever I gotta say to get through. I ain't losin' the woman I love to a fucking job. And I sure as shit ain't letting her believe she's gotta do what the world says she's gotta do. Break herself as many times as she has to just to get approval. Can't do shit with approval, I'll tell you that."

Against all odds, words tumble out of you like a knocked over pot of crayons. Sharpness everywhere.

"I fail at - at everything. I haven't done one thing right my whole life. I quit everything I start. Everything - Frank, I can't st-"

An involuntary sob rips straight from your heart.

"I can't stand myself. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of my days not belonging to me. I'm tired of getting nowhere. I'm tired of not having any good reason to be like this. Every day I have to know, I have to wake up and go to sleep and never stop knowing that I am the way that I am. And I wish something would just happen so I don't have to keep-"

It stops. The flow of words you've never said out loud, even to yourself, stops dead. The silence floods the remaining space without delay but it, too, does so fruitlessly.

Frank has heard enough. Enough to know exactly what you've sworn you would protect him from.

"Will you look at me?"

The softest plea. You don't think you've ever witnessed it.

"Need to see it. Yeah? I need to see it in your eyes, what you just said. And then we'll figure it out. But I need to know, sweetheart. Because if I gotta protect you from your own mind, Imma be honest with you - I need different gear."

It's a weak attempt at humor, but not completely unsuccessful. Mostly you just know that Frank means every word. And you know, as your gaze meets his at last, that the part of you that always resists outside help has lost some strength. You're not too far gone to be able to admit that your thoughts have been getting bleaker. It's a newness that scares even you, who's been down this path before. Somewhere, it seems a turn arrived that even you weren't aware you'd taken.

But Frank is nothing if not relentless. There is no road he won't track you down on and no path inaccessible to someone of his determination. You can see it in his eyes, along with the subtlest glimmer. You're making him worry, and when Frank worries, he plans. Ten, maybe twenty steps ahead - which is why he locks away your phone with his guns for the night. It's safe to say you won't have an alarm for tomorrow, and the relief that fact brings isn't unaccompanied by guilt. Frank soothes it with promises and his unique brand of realism - you'll get through everything together, as long as you're honest. No more hiding, no more detours.

You're not sure how good you'll be at it, and when you voice the thought to him, Frank doubles down as he pulls the covers back from the bed and you both slip under them.

"You know what being good at therapy looks like?"

You hum your curiosity.

"Not needing relief anymore. Promise to let me know when we get there. Yeah?"

You press your fragile promise into the skin of his cheek, tucking your head below his chin and wrapping as much of your body around him as possible and, for the first time in weeks, drifting off instead of fighting to sleep.

.

.

.

-fin-

A/N: just a short piece that I hope brings you some comfort if you need it.

[ippilulu]

This version of Slipping Through My Fingers is so insanely Caleb-coded that it isn't even funny when I'm having a Crisis about it alone in my room anymore

Here are some of the lyrics that make me scream to myself silently every time they play because the feels cannot be contained anymore (I love his character SO much (and my poor friends have to listen to me info-dump about him every alternate day because I discover something new)):

Do I really see what's in her mind?

Each time I think I'm close to knowing

She keeps on growing

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table

Barely awake, I let precious time go by

Then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling

And a sense of guilt I can't deny

What happened to the wonderful adventures

The places I had planned for us to go?

Well, some of that we did, but most we didn't

And why, I never know

It's the fact that the person who grew up with you now feels that you have grown into something beyond them- and even though you know this, can feel it in your very bones (some of which aren't the same anymore), it hurts when they look at you like you're a stranger.

"I wonder... When did you turn into someone I hardly recognise?"

If they can't find you in the wreckage of a life you've created for yourself, then who can? Who would bother? You've spent your entire existence dedicated to one person only, and now they tell you that you've... killed the version of yourself that they knew?

How much must that hurt... Ugh just imagining it makes my heart squeeze.

This is not a MC-hate post btw. I love MC and she was totally justified in her reaction- hell, if I were in her shoes my reaction would be even worse.

It was a betrayal from her end as well. In a single moment, she lost the two people she had known the longest- in a world that seemed so unknown and turbulent, they were her constant. And as much as I love Caleb, both him and MC let their relationship develop in a way that always had her relying on him (she was already trying to reduce this back in the main story pre-explosion). And yeah, he liked it, but it must have led to a lot of issues later when he was gone. Dealing with all that in the midst of your grief... It hurts really bad. You have to deal with the sadness, of course, but also the unexpected anger that the person you'd leaned on had let you become this way- that you had let yourself become this way. Even if they never said it, you realise you'd become overly dependent on them- perhaps turning into a burden in a way. And then managing to figure it all on your own while managing everything else is a Task.

And after MC's handling everything (badly, I might add- homegirl was always throwing herself into situations), suddenly she meets him again. How happy must she have been- how angry she must have been. If he'd been alive all this time, why did he never contact her? Why did he let her suffer all this time alone?

And anger at herself, too. After all, who is she to demand he come back to her as soon as he was alright- when he was clearly dealing with things of his own. Wasn't this what she wanted? For him to live his own life?

But then why does it hurt so much? Where does she place all these messy emotions?

Of course they'd go to the most convenient target, the one who'd always had both arms open for whatever she had to give- her once childhood best friend, now Farspace Fleet Colonel, the one who despite everything even now, refused to tell her what was going on (bro pls just communicate 😭😭😭)- Caleb.

Ahem. Now back to Caleb 🧍‍♀️

Yeah, he's looked after her as he grew up, but he was still a kid too, just a few years older. He's made mistakes (like the time he locked her in the attic- which is the only one I remember off the top of my head now), he's messed up. Despite it, he's tried to make sure she always knew his heart behind all his actions, the one that convinced her that he loved her and would always be by her side no matter what.

And now for that person to tell you that that part of you (that still existed within you, according to you- after all it was such a big part of you that it might never die even if you tried) was gone, what did that make you? Who were you now, without your successful and all-encompassing devotion?

I also strongly believe Caleb must be suffering from atleast some memory loss effects from the Toring chip- I'm not sure what memories they could be, but something. So to imagine the fear he must keep buried deep within himself, as a self-appointed keeper of memory to be losing that very essence of yourself... It would scare the heck out of me, tbh.

And in a way, MC was telling him that those memories he'd treasured of their childhood together (of their past before, the one that she didn't remember), they didn't belong to him anymore- because he wasn't that Caleb anymore. It's like snatching the anchor off a ship, leaving it to drift off aimlessly for who knows how long.

I'm so so glad that they make up slowly, awkwardly after the events of the main story- both of them deserve it so much. Because both have changed, both have turned into someone the other doesn't recognise ("I feel like... I don't know how to take care of you anymore.") and now together, intentionally, with both hands and willing hearts- they can reach out to the other and meet them in the middle. They can learn anew. And this time, they'll make sure to never leave the other's side.

(Whether that's as romantic partners or platonic, is up to everyone's individual preferences. I just really love the way their relationship was written!!!)

Tldr; I just really love Caleb, man. Him and MC's relationship is so well-written, and they deserve some PEACE INFOLD PLEASE 😭😭😭

[thatsonemorbidcorvid]

A few weeks after #MeToo exploded on the internet, an old friend and I did what so many women did during that time: We got on the phone and finally began to acknowledge what had happened to us. My friend shared a story of hers from college. Back then, we’d all just considered it a “bad date,” but she now recognized it as sexual assault. She also shared that at nearly every single job she’s had since college, a boss or co-worker has sexually harassed her.

The month before our conversation, I had published an essay sharing my own experience of sexual assault while traveling abroad. Like my friend, it was not my only experience—it was one of many. But I’d only included the one, because in the early stages of #MeToo, the idea of sharing one assault story still felt risky. The idea of sharing more than one felt culturally impossible. My friend agreed.

“As a woman, you’re only allowed one #MeToo moment,” she told me. “After that, people begin assuming the problem must be you.”

Out of the many celebrity #MeToo stories told in the past five years, only a handful have acknowledged the experience of multiple assaults. In an HBO documentary, Alanis Morisette spoke about repeated incidents of statuatory rape that happened when she first entered the music industry, all of which “fell on deaf ears” when she tried seeking accountability. In her memoir, Selma Blair wrote about a teacher who sexually assaulted her, as well as the many men who raped her in her 20s. In an interview with Dazed, Amber Rose said, “I cannot even count how many times a famous guy touched me inappropriately.” On a social media post during the Kavanaugh hearings, Tatum O’Neal wrote about her multiple assaults: “It was not my fault when I was 5, 6, 12, 13, 15.”

Stories that emphasize the ubiquitous nature of assault are vital in a world that so often focuses on one dramatic episode, with visceral details of the violation and an easily identifiable villain. This amplifies the false idea that assault is just a singular, horrifying incident—when in reality, many of us experience it as part of a larger, more insidious culture.

Once a person is assaulted, research shows they’re more likely to be assaulted again, a phenomenon called “revictimization.” Around 50 percent of children who survive sexual assault reexperience it later in life, and even a single incident of sexual assault in adulthood can increase the risk for it to happen again. As psychologist A.E. Jaffe and her colleagues wrote in a 2019 paper on revictimization: “Perhaps the most consistent predictor of future trauma exposure is a history of prior trauma exposure.”

Why would this be? In lieu of a good answer for it (more on that in a moment), we often blame victims themselves. We easily justify these statistics by suggesting that anyone who has survived multiple incidents of violence must be asking for it—either by acting promiscuously, hanging around too many shady men, or getting themselves into precarious situations. One survivor I interviewed told me that though she received some form of victim-blaming in response to all three sexual assaults she experienced, she noticed a stark decrease in support each time it happened again.

“After the second and third, some people began saying, ‘What’s happening in your life to attract that?’ or ‘Do you have enough awareness to know when men want to harm you?’ ” she told me. “One person even asked why I was ‘trusting men so much.’ ” Another friend who experienced multiple assaults went through a similar line of questioning, only with herself. “After so many times, I began asking myself, ‘What is it about me that brings on these experiences?’ ” she said. I told her I ask myself that question all the time.

In his essay “Spectator” for Roxane Gay’s anthology on sexual assault stories, Not That Bad, Brandon Taylor wrote about his best friend telling him she was beginning to think she was “just the kind of person this stuff happens to.” For a long time, that’s what I believed, too. As a travel writer and a single bisexual woman, I figured that at some point, I’d pay the price. Eventually, I’d have to face some element of physical harm—wasn’t that the obvious trade-off for attempting a liberated life? To me, survivorship—more than resilience, bravery, or strength—often felt like resignation.

But in some cases, it’s exactly that resignation that influences repeat assaults. While there’s no conclusive evidence as to why revictimization happens, we do know that normalizing assault can contribute to future harm. If a survivor has not internalized their experience as exceptionally traumatic, they are less likely to advocate for themselves, or demand accountability if it happens again. If they, like me, accept violence as an obvious fact of their lives, then when it repeats, they don’t seek the support they need to process and heal from each experience.

In an article for Psychology Today, psychotherapist and clinical social worker Keith Fadelici called this a “cognitive accommodation to ongoing violence.” The trauma continuously gets downplayed as victims attempt to normalize their assaults, which helps them feel more in control. “This dissociative process is a common symptom of PTSD,” Fadelici told me. “And can also later make survivors less capable of detecting risk by numbing the fear that is supposed to trigger alertness to danger.”

Oppression also plays a significant role. Those with marginalized identities are more at risk for experiencing assault in general, and thus more likely to experience it again. LGBTQ+ people are four times more likely to be assaulted than the general population (bisexual women and trangender people also are far more likely to experience assault than gay men and lesbian women). Rates of sexual assault for Indigenous women are three times higher than non-Indigenous women, and Black women are much more likely to experience assault than white women. Neurodivergent people are 11 times more likely than neurotypical people to be victims of violent crimes.

“If this is coming up repeatedly with one individual, it might be because that person is within systems and structures that facilitate assault more often,” said Jaffe. For those of us living with any of these identities, we normalize violence because living under oppression is consistently violent. In order to survive, a “cognitive accommodation to ongoing violence” is necessary. We train ourselves to get used to it, and move on.

After #MeToo, I began reading and rereading the legal definitions for rape and sexual assault to make sense of what had happened to me. Any sexual contact that occurred without consent constitutes assault? Any sexual contact that included penetration without the other person’s consent constitutes rape? The criteria felt almost too easy. Under these standards, I had been raped twice, and assaulted several other times—all stories I had not yet fully internalized, and was not yet ready to tell. Dozens of legal crimes had been committed against my body, but that idea felt so unfathomable I hardly knew what to do next.

In the three years after publishing that first story, I experienced more incidents, and I still don’t know what to call them. I don’t feel comfortable firmly declaring them as “assault.” I don’t like how it connects so deeply with an oppressive legal system, and how it automatically connotes some excessive form of violence. Even today, it seems too strong and rough a word for how these episodes played out: often with little physicality, with only brief conflict and polite turns toward quick forgiveness, until weeks later when I’d unpack the severity of what had happened. As I began sharing more of these stories with close friends, I would catch myself saying “technically” before saying “I was assaulted,” acknowledging the semantic disconnect I still felt. This hesitation is common among many survivors: As one 2019 meta-analysis showed, rates of victimization increase when participants are asked “behaviorally descriptive questions” about what happened to them, rather than questions that use terms like “rape” and “assault.”

Sometimes, people ask “How many times all together?” I say “six-ish,” a number that captures the amount of experiences that have dramatically changed the way I relate to my body—how it experiences intimacy, how it engages with the world: The one that happened at work, just weeks into my first job out of college. The one at a festival in India. The one while getting a deep-tissue massage. The one at a New York play party. The one so common I learned it has its own name (“stealthing“). The one with a lover I had loved and trusted deeply. The one with another lover, a violation that was not sexual but physical and thus, as yet another nonconsensual act done against my body, still felt so connected to all the rest.

And this still does not take into account every time I was nonconsensually touched in public—the men who pulled and grabbed my arms, my back, my butt, my shoulders to try to get my attention on the street—nor the times I’ve been followed, harassed, physically threatened by strangers on the street.

The accumulation of more and more of these events creates a compounding impact, one where each additional incident begins to amplify the ones before. For me and most survivors I spoke to, we are not healing from trauma—we are learning how to exist in a world where trauma continues to accumulate.

Every survivor I interviewed for this piece told me they fully accept the potential that they’ll experience assault in the future. Still, most of them admitted to me that it’s still easier to only share just one story with the world—never the full range of what has happened to them. “When you only have one story, the enemy is the rapist,” one survivor told me. “But when you have several people with a lifetime of these experiences, the enemy is all of us.”

This is what we mean when we talk about rape culture. The first thing we can do to start to dismantle it is to recognize what we’re up against.

[elainsgirl]

I can’t understand how Lucien stans dislike Elain but still ship elucien. You want your fav with a character you hate? Uhhh okay. I myself like Lucien but I also love Elain. Do I want him to be happy? Yes. Do I think his happy ending lies with Elain? No. Why would you want your fav with someone who doesn’t like them back? Just so he’ll be “happy”? Thing is though, he won’t be happy because he’ll be in an unrequited relationship (though I don’t believe Lucien loves Elain but he at the very least shows some interest in her). And quite frankly, I don’t think it’s fair to put Lucien’s happiness on Elain. That is NOT her responsibility. I want Elain to be with someone SHE likes and who likes her BACK. Which is why I’m an elriel. I also want that for Lucien. Whether that person for him ends up being Vassa, or someone else, I can’t 100% say. But I do think his stans have nothing to worry about because I believe SJM will give him his happy ending, it just won’t be with Elain🤷‍♀️

Bcs they’re afraid Mass wouldn’t be interested in giving Lucien his own novel otherwise. Best way to make sure he gets his pov? Pair him w a character you know is getting a book, even if you hate her.

The issue w eluciens is they can’t seem to understand the point Sjm was making. Not all mates are perfect for each other. Yes, some couple make it work believing the cauldron paired them for a reason but they’re miserable. Eluciens are literally doing what the rest of the fae culture do. They try to justify why there is a bond between elucien, “the cauldron must have made them mates for a reason!” (Said every depressed mated couples), and how Elain has to give Lucien a chance, how she has to explore the bond to know if its right and wrong. Basically…they’re doing everything Sjm is trying to tell us is wrong.

What I love about Mass’s interview whilst she talks about rejected bonds is - “what if you decide, “eh im not interested”” -> this is for the eluciens that claim elain HAS to explore the bond. No she doesn’t. Especially as she is not interested in her mate. Elain is indifferent towards Lucien & that kills the ship. As for Lucien…everytime he is around Elain, he just isnt himself. Its like he’s withdrawn…he doesnt want Elain, “she was nothing like Jesminda” but out of courtesy, out of societal expectations and how he was brought up, he is trying. Even tho it clearly isnt making him happy. I cannot imagine wanting my favourite character to go through that. Like. Elain was ready to kiss Az whilst Lucien was upstairs. She didnt hesitate, not once mentioned him. And thats fine - she didnt have to after all she doesnt owe him anything but it is a sucky love story for Lucien. His mate only wanting him bcs her first option “rejected” her or was no longer available. Elucien and gwynriel are just terrible love stories and there is no other way to spin it.

Eluciens for some odd reason have completely deluded themselves that Vassien will never happen when they have had more buildup and connections then Elain and Lucien.

vassa & Lucien are both exiles. Both betrayed by their siblings. Lord of Fire & Bird of Flame. Heir to day & firebird at Day. Cursed Queen and A spell cleaver. Both connected to Koshei and his lake. Lucien chuckling w Vassa - with gwynriel thats romantic but with Vassien it apparently means nothing. Lucien having a spark for Vassa. They’re so damn obvious. Oh but ofc they won’t happen as Vassa and Jurian are both humans and “at each other’s throats” bcs God forbid antis having to read another type of couple dynamic thats not “enemies to lovers”

This. Hate Lucien, Love him - he IS important to the Koshei storyline. He’s been around for a long time, im 96% sure Mass will give him his happy ending, it just wont be w the woman he can’t stand being around.

[gilverrwrites]

Idk bout y'all but if I'm pregnant with any of the batfam's kid I'm moving back into the estate.

Idc how grown you think we are pookie I'm gonna be taken care of by Alfred

Make sure Bruce gets us set up nice in a little suite and don't be cute n' think we leavin once the spawn has exited

Oh no. We're staying until preschool age at LEAST cause I know damn well who's taking care of the brunt of childcare otherwise. Honestly this is the only way to maintain any kind of relationship with them during the rough early years

Also I think Brucie would be so low-key excited to have a grandbaby in the manor. All his kids came ready made so he never got the tiny years.

Anytime your partner comes home there's a 45% chance that the baby is hanging with Grandpa and he's gonna have to sort out his feelings about it cause we're not taking it away from him.

No but imagine Tim looking at us and expecting us to stay in that tiny ass houseboat or Jason wanting us to stay in his drugdealer apartment or even Dick cause I'm not dragging a stroller up all those stairs. Hell no 🫶

In summary Im ovulating

No way. We are very different people lmao, I wish I had your confidence.  Unless it was Bruce’s baby, my guilt riddled, authority pleasing, obliging ass could never. Doesn’t matter how much Bruce and Alfred try to stress that I owe them nothing, I’d be on edge constantly.

Running myself ragged trying to look after the baby, and minimise any possible reason for them to need to clean up after us, or be concerned, or offer money. Nope nope nope. The moment one of them is like ‘we know you’ve picked Sunny Days Daycare but I really think you should enrol them at Blossom Bright’ I’m gonna be like oh yeah, you’re right, we’ll totally do that even though I spent months researching and was 1100% certain of my choice.

Cannot live comfortably in somebody else’s home, not when all of my partners family members are constantly popping in and out, probably judging me for looking like a mess, no matter how justified the scruff is since I’m a new mother. Cannot have Breakfast with Bruce Wayne, who despite spending all night fighting crime looks like a million busk still, while I haven’t brushed my hair and my tits are leaking through my partners old shirt that hasn’t been washed in 3 weeks.

Contently whispering in Dick or Tim’s ear that they need to talk to Bruce or Alfred about the amount of guests Bruce brings back, or the strict schedule Alfred has everybody on because I cannot. No. I cannot talk to them, you have to do it. (I really don’t see Jay in the scenario. He’ll take the money, but fat chance is he moving back into the manor no matter how much you complain. He’ll buy a fucking mansion if that’s what you want, no way is he letting his family have a hand in raising his baby).

I know there would be lots of happy times, you’re right about Brucie getting soooooo attached to his grandbabies, and actually if you needed time to rest and recoup, Alfred would strap the kiddo to his back and spend all day chatting to them while he does his daily jobs. It would not be as bad as I’m making it out to be in my head, but by god would my mental health dip every other day.

[agirlandherquill]

alpha-write

returning to writeblr after a short break has been so enjoyable I thought I'd kick things off by creating a tag game of my own! (since the first one I made people really did seem to enjoy, and it warms my heart) and it's an easy way to ease myself back into the creative flow, so here goes!

rules: for every letter of the alphabet, compose a sentence/short paragraph beginning with that letter

A - "Anything you have to say for yourself? Or is nothing perhaps the better choice for you? How else could you justify the blood on your sleeves?"

B - "Broken. Not bruised, not damaged - You made me broken. That hardly seems fair."

C - "Can we do this?" "Can? We will. We have to. It must be done. Right or wrong, balance must be restored."

D - Dragging a corpse is difficult enough, but when you resemble a corpse yourself? There's some irony in there that even the Gods aren't smart enough to conjure.

E - Everything hurt, everything ached beyond relief, beyond the threshold of pain, until she felt nothing and everything, all at the same time.

F - Forget him? That was a plea she could never answer, could never give light to or thought or hope, to forget was to forgo herself, her feelings, her very being - He was as much a part of her as the air in her lungs - to lose him would be death.

G - "Go." Not a scream, not a growl, but a whisper - a calm command that sent the hairs raising along her skin. For once, she obeyed.

H - How did this happen? How did she forget herself so badly, so stupidly and allow her vulnerabilities to be exposed? Even worse, how could she let him be the one to do it? He knows, and knowing is death. This was the end, for her, she knew it.

I - "If you must be such a pain in the neck could you go about it quietly? One more squeak from the sole of your boot and I will rip those laces out and around your neck. I mean it." "Then give me a reason to stop pacing."

J - Just a kiss. Just. As though the fleeting encounter was nothing more than that, as though it hadn't taken every strength he had within him. To her, it was just a kiss. To him, it was ruin.

K - "Keep running. To stop now is death, is that what you want? Because I will not stop to carry your corpse, I will not stop to remember you. If you falter, you are gone. Do you hear me?"

L - Loathing burned her insides, it sent her skin crawling with heat and her muscles tensing with a carefully restrained scream. She loathed him. That was it. After all this time, she understood it. It was not love, it was loathing.

M - "Marry me." "The last time we tried that... Someone died." "Marry me." He said again, more firmly. "Marry me, or we both die."

N - "Never again." "Why? What was so wrong the first time?" "The dozens of times after that. It cannot happen." "A kiss never got anyone killed." "Then you do not know this Court, and you do not know me."

O - "Opinionated, are we?" "Is this because I told you to your face what a horrifically mannered man you are?" "No, this is because you tried to stab me with a fork." "I missed, didn't I?" "That's hardly the point."

P - Pressing her cheek to his shoulder, she let herself break, let the tears fall and the emotions flow. He said nothing, and neither did she, it was only them and the silence of the lake, and that was enough.

Q - "Question me again and we will see what happens when you try my patience." "Try? I've been getting under your skin for the better part of the day, why haven't you done anything about it?"

R - Rest was a foreign luxury, it had abandoned her body long ago, instead she lay suffocating in boredom and misery until she could bear it no longer, and found herself outside his door.

S - "Step away, out of this room and far from earshot - Do it now, before I see fit to carry you."

T - "Trust me." "Why-" She had no chance to complete her question, he threw her out of the window.

U - Under the stars, all seemed calm, a false calm, but a calm she had long since been craving nonetheless, until his voice, as gentle as the wind, startled her wishful reverie. "Leave if you must, but not without knowing that I love you."

V - Verily, she was done. Her soul was in ruins, her body in tatters, and her heart beat it's last drum.

W - "When you decide to have some compassion, let me know, until then I want nothing to do with you."

X - (if this one's impossible to do, no biggie, skip if necessary) - "Xanthetia is a flower full of poison that could damn well kill you, what are you doing lying in a bed of it?" "The scent is the only thing that helps me sleep."

Y - "You know what you did. As do I. And it's unforgivable." "I do not seek your forgiveness, but I will beg, every day if I must, for the honour of your company." "...We shall see."

Z - "Zealous, insufferable bastard - that's what you are!" "You've said worse, you can say better than that." His smug look riled her up even more. "You are incapable of being loved, you're not worthy of that, only loathing, you despicable, monstrous being!" "Loathe away by all means, I rather enjoy the flush it brings to your face."

i'll make this an open tag as well as include my tag list! (this one's a doozy, so bear with me)

@the-ellia-west @willtheweaver @tildeathiwillwrite @drchenquill @tiredpapergirl

@365runesofthesystem @coffin-hopping @godsmostfuckedupgoblin @a-mimsy-borogove @frostedlemonwriter

@i-do-anything-but-write @r-u-living @thatuselesshuman @lead-to-code @sunflowerrosy

@theaistired @phoenixradiant @autism-purgatory @corinneglass @patheticexcuseforawriter

@missmisanthrope @littlestchildofthemoon @morganxduinn @thebrownleathernotebook @rmhashauthor

@lamuradex @fantasy-things-and-such @glasshouses-and-stones @hattonthehatman @humbly-a-doppelganger

@hopewriteszstuff @ramwritblr @s-pendragon7 @thelastneuron @heartreactor

@ihauntmyhouse @shiningstars-world @scaewolf @just-emis-blog @joeys-piano

@ramitola @yrndrgn @riveriafalll @lawrencespen1777 @theverumproject

@zackprincebooks @justjariel @orion-lacroix @jupiter---daydreams @vinniehorrible

@stars-forever @thewritingautisticat @anaisbebe @whatwewrotepodcast @appleandsnow

@urnumber1star @chaotictravelerrants @andagii-projects @dragmewithyoutonirvana @a-bi-cat-with-books

@fearofahumanplanet @just-a-domesticated-cryptid @attemptingwriter @kitkins13 @ray-writes-n-shit

@theonewholivesinthemovies @rheas-chaos-motivation

[gleamingtempest]

Ming Jeung - [DRDT] Character Analysis #02

Welcome

Hello. : ) This is a part in a series of analysis' by me where I will be individually outlining the negative experience, core belief & stated belief for every main character in the Danganronpa: Despair Time cast. Danganronpa: Despair Time is not a complete text yet so these analysis' will not be exclusively based on text from the project. All segments of these posts which cover parts of a character's story which has not yet covered in the text. Speculation will always be marked by the indicator [X] when it occurs. The purpose of this series is ultimately to provide my own individual thoughts, feelings & speculation on each character with actual text as my basis for building those actual thoughts, feelings & speculation. I hope you are all able to find it useful. Please be well - and enjoy. 🙇🏻‍♀️

*Note: This post was written at the time of 7/9/2024. At this time, the latest DRDT episode release was Chapter 2 - Episode 11. Every post in this series will be redone after the full release of the series.

Negative Experience

Ming Jeung

-> Negative Experience: The most prominent traumatic events or event experienced by the character in their past, which primarily informs their core belief & stated belief in the main story.

Negative Experience Min Jeung was born into poverty, though was not in it for a long enough period to have vivid memories of living in poverty. Submitting herself to the full authority of an institute which commodified her willingness to obsess over competence & diligence as a student before she was old enough to have vivid memories of her life is how Min Jeung managed to escape this circumstance - for both herself and her family. Fatalistically, she accepted this role without question for years because if she did not, there would be future for her or her family. Inadvertently this trapped Min in a role wherein she could not see a future for herself.

Core Belief

Ming Jeung

-> Core Belief: The Core Belief is the unconscious belief held by the character which informs their external & internal beliefs about themselves & the world, or, their "stated belief."

Core Belief

A lack of personal identity or personhood - humanity - is what defines Min's characterization & trajectory as a character. "In order to live I must submit to fate. Resistance is death; not being." Min is not allowed to be human - she lacks substance because substance lacks the ability to reach her. Min is trapped, both by the world and herself. She cannot be allowed to believe there is hope, because the very nature of her role as the Ultimate Student confines her to an identity predetermined before her personality had even fully developed - before her personhood was given the opportunity to exist. Min is nothing because Min cannot be anything. Min is not human.

Stated Belief

Ming Jeung

-> Stated Belief: The external & internal ideology or belief which the character actively & consciously applies.

Stated Belief

Min is able to justify this wretched existence by believing that she is saving her family. For herself and for her family, Min can justify her suffering because the alternative is so awful that accepting is unacceptable. Even if Min cannot be human, she can be more than that - she can be a martyr. "I wanted to save you... I wanted to save them. I can't save myself - so isn't this the best choice?"

The impetus behind Min's choices is that of justification of human suffering because others would be hurt if it was not accepted. "I can be hurt if others aren't, so it's okay." Min does not regard herself as human, so she allows herself to do awful things to herself if it means that she can be a savior. Still, Min is, doubtlessly - human. Even if she can lie to herself, she cannot lie to her humanity. Min's defining action in the story is killing Xander in order to save Teruko - and then, betraying everyone by choosing to fight for her own life in the class trial. Even if she chose to ignore it for her whole life, to justify her own suffering for the sake of others, even if Min chose to be selfishly selfless - in the end, she was human. In the end, she was somebody; Min Jeung.

Design

Ming Jeung

-> Design Philosophy: In order to analyze the designs of the Danganronpa: Despair Time cast I would like to establish my method for identifying significant elements of their design to outline & analyze. -> The order I will look at the designs through will be: [Color] -> [Clothing] -> [Story]. Color will usually consist of discussing three prime colors used for the design however their will be outliers to this rule. Story will often be speculative, since we're early in the text.

Color

The three primary colors in Min's design are red, magenta [pink] & white. The primary color is magenta while white and red are the support colors. Magenta, or pink is futility; death. It is the color of blood in the Danganronpa universe & representative of performance in a cyclical manner - the commodification of humanity for the sake of profit, regardless of human suffering. Min's eyes are pink because at her core she has internalized that she must be the Ultimate Student. She can never be anything more because to be anything more would be to betray her own core belief about herself - that she is not human. Whit is broadly just a neutral blankness, which indicates a subdued, complement nature & silent acceptance of fate without resistance. Resignment. White is hollow & empty - just like Min's day-to-day life. Red is the counter or challenging color of this design - if Min is not human then why did Min act on the most human desire of all, both in the past, to have been put on this path, and in the present, to end her path - try to live, regardless of what that takes. Red is passion, vigor, determination - will to be, and to thrive, and to succeed - humanity. Clothing

Min wears school uniform with a taupe vest over it and a red tie. Her skirt is a darker version of the color of her vest & her vest is a more neutral version of her eyes; this could be considered "taupe." Min's hair is a dark desaturated version of her bright red tie, which rests in the center of her design, between her taupe vest and underneath her face. Min's bangs rest over her eyes, which are vivid and bright but concealed from the world. Min's eyes are white & pink - empty futility. "Despair." Story

Min's diamond pin is the same pin worn by a character from the creators other fangan which they have been working on at the same time as DRDT. This character also has Min's eye color & works for XF-Ture Tech, the company which funded Min's family under the premise that she would become the Ultimate Student.

[X] This is the same agent who told Min she would fund her family if she became the ultimate student. Her involvement in the Mall Killing Game is related to the creation of the Killing Game Show & is the Killing Game Teruko was referring to.

[X] Min & this person are related but Min does not know this.

[X] XF-Ture Tech is responsible for the creation of MonoTV, the Killing Game Traps & the executions.

Final Speculation

Min Jeung

-> I Wanted to Save You

Min Jeung herself will not have any major involvement in the creation or orchestration of the killing game, but her connection to XF-Ture Tech will be significant again.

Min's connection to XF-Ture Tech resulted in the creation of the Killing Game technology.

[zebulontheplanet]

Let’s talk about my masking, since it’s been a topic I’ve been avoiding talking about.

I’m medium masking. I can mask SOME. I used to be low masking due to my autism catatonia, but thanks to the medication I’m on, I was SLOWLY gaining masking skills back. But now starting to lose it again. It’s one of the few things I was getting back. And this is also your reminder. IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE AUTISM CATATONIA, REACH OUT TO A DOCTOR. Plain text: if you believe you have autism catatonia, reach out to a doctor.

Why? Because Autism Catatonia IS treatable.

I used to be VERY visibly autistic. Stimming constantly, running around, just having that *look* to me. It caused harassment ALL the time. Like literally all the time.

Now, I can mask some. Stimming being the biggest thing that I could mask. However, it did, and still caused me to be constantly overwhelmed, and constantly on the brink of a meltdown. The constant suppression of stims is and was harmful to me, and I am slowly letting go of my masking ability that I have gained back because it’s harmful to me, and I’m just causing myself more harm by doing so. And I’m losing it already and just causing myself more harm by pretending I’m not and trying to hold onto it. I don’t think people realize just how heartbreaking it was to not be able to mask much at all, to being able to mask some, and then realizing that even the small amount of masking you are doing is being extremely harmful to yourself. I’ve also noticed that it’s been detrimental on my mental health, and even physical health as it is causing me to have more catatonic episodes. Why? I don’t know. But I cannot deny that my catatonic episodes, constantly being on the brink of a meltdown or having multiple meltdowns a week, and being constantly overwhelmed, didn’t happen until I started suppressing some of my stims and autistic behaviors.

I am EXTREMELY privileged to even be able to suppress some of my stims. Does this mean I’m not perceived as autistic? Absolutely not. I’m still autistic, and very much perceived as being autistic because of the fact that I’m nonverbal, constantly not alone and with people assumed to be my caregivers, constantly chewing on things, wearing ear defenders, in a wheelchair, and so on.

However, I’ve noticed a drastic change between me as someone who once stimmed very outwardly, then someone who did stim more passively. I haven’t talked about my masking in a HOT minute, because I was like “great! Finally getting some masking abilities back, let’s see where this goes” and then the second I started gaining it back, it started going down the drain again.

Today, I’m laying in my bed. Under a weighted blanket, feeling my skin crawl and having to kick my partner out because I felt like I was going to have a meltdown because I didn’t wear my ear defenders all week even though I needed them. And knew I needed them.

I’ve been so focused on how others perceive me, how they look at me, how they treat me, that I’ve completely forgot about what is best for ME. What is best for MY health. Yes, for awhile I was gaining some masking skills back, and even now, I’m more masked than I was, but I’m losing that again, and it is the most terrifying feeling. The feeling of losing your masking skills AGAIN is terrifying. Because the last time I did, I was struck with so much catatonia that I couldn’t get out of bed and needed help with almost every bADL and lost my speech completely. Now, I know that this hopefully won’t be the case, and the more I accept that I’m losing my masking skills and try not to force it, I will be ok hopefully and not fall back into that.

Autism Catatonia has taken everything from me before, and it’s continuing to take so much from me again. However, I cannot justify continuing to put myself through the literal torture of masking, putting my health at risk with more catatonic episodes, and the like. I know, it’s an extreme privilege to even start unmasking, yet I don’t feel like I have a choice, or even a say in the matter. The more days that go by, I’m losing the ability whether I like it or not. I’m not going through my “silly little unmasking journey”, I’m losing a vital skill that is made to protect autistic people against my will. And the more I fight against it, the more I’ll just cause myself harm. I cannot risk falling back into more catatonic episodes. I’m in college. I cannot risk that.

For all my autism catatonia baddies out there losing their ability to mask and in a complicated relationship with it, I see you, and you aren’t alone in this.

Autism Catatonia is so complicated, and I feel like the more I try and fit myself into the box that I used to be, the more harm I’m causing myself. So, here’s to a new chapter. A new chapter of accepting that I shouldn’t mask so I don’t have catatonia. A new chapter of accepting that I’m losing my masking skills again. A new chapter of being my autistic self again, and not worrying what other people think of me.

[utilitycaster]

RE: Ruidusborn superstition - It's weird because Matt has had several opportunities to make it about persecution and hasn't. Laura could've made it a stronger point in her backstory with Gelvaan and didn't. This rounding up Ruidusborn and throwing them in jail is a theoretical crime that a bad guy in a cult told them might happen. 

Dealing with the unfair persecution of non Vanguard Ruidusborn in the fallout of this could be interesting to explore, but a) it hasn’t happened yet and b) still entirely the fault of the Vanguard for, ya know, all the crime. I just don’t get why some folks aren’t exploring the actual interesting conflict in front of them (i.e. being tied to something inherently destructive, your parent using you as a justification for her crimes, etc.) and instead make it about some secret twist coming that will totally make Liliana and the Vanguard “correct” actually in order to (I assume?) justify Imogen’s brief consideration of them and dunk on Orym for having the audacity to not be objective about the organization that killed his family.

Hey anon,

This is a very good point re: the actual conflicts present. I know I've been guilty of going hard on Liliana and the thing is I do find her a profoundly compelling and sympathetic villain. I think she was placed in an impossible position by Predathos imbuing her with troubling and at times painful powers; that despite having good intentions with regards to the nature of Ruidus (there is a lot of value in both studying it and in concealing its nature, depending on your perspective) people other than Ludinus were unable to give her answers and so she was easy prey for his cult; and she has since been driven by these motivations so far down the road of the Ruby Vanguard that even when the daughter she has believed herself for so long to be protecting tries to give her an out and asks her why she's doing this, she can't answer but is terrified of leaving. She is very sympathetic. She is very much a villain. And yes, I'll cover Orym in a second.

The following is, by necessity due to the nature of what I want to discuss, going to touch on some real-world politics though mostly in the sense of abstract strategy with very few specific actual positions. I want to note that we are talking about a fictional work here, and while I do have some presumptions regarding the people advocating for the Vanguard, they are just that - presumptions. I will only say that if this is how the people advocating for the Vanguard engage with people in real-world activism (if they partake in that in the first place), this may be a revealing insight into why they are perhaps less than successful.

Every argument in favor of killing the gods ultimately presupposes killing the gods is correct. They are all, ultimately, either tautological (we should kill the gods because they are deserving of death) and assume that the only objective conclusion is "we should kill the gods", therefore anything other than "we should kill the gods" cannot be objective.

I may be repeating myself since I've said this a lot since the last episode but: there as a truly bone-chilling lack of empathy in thestatement that Orym needs to stop bringing up his dead family and get over it and be objective (read: agree with the premise that the gods should be killed). Actually, if you are a person capable of perceiving others as people, you will likely realize that it is cruel and absurd to expect someone to say "this group murdered my family, but because they did so with the correct motivations, I shall stop mentioning it." As you indicated, it's bizarre that Orym is expected to set the wholesale murder - deliberately set up with no hope of resurrection, just to twist the knife - aside, but Imogen is never expected to set aside the (let's face it, extremely tenuous, given that Liliana's been absent for over a quarter-century) feelings about her mother, a person who recruits child soldiers, turned Vax into an orb, and is a general in the death cult that murdered Orym's husband and father. Like, in a real-world scenario, someone in Orym's position very well might have just left over this. Your friends keep failing to consider your trauma? Perhaps it's time to, painful as it may be, find friends who will be sensitive. [I don't want to focus on the shipping or character dynamic aspects with that particularly argument against Orym, but this is a fictional work and I do think another running theme in all sorts of discourse is that you do not need to justify your ships as logical, and when you do, you really do sound like "why doesn't Ross, the largest friend, simply eat all the other friends." There are logical reasons why Orym might not want to talk with, for example, Fearne or Ashton; but also the heart wants what it wants, and again, if you aren't truly ignorant about the way human psychology works you have to acknowledge that.]

Before I move on to other items I want to note I've as of late seen attempts not just to discredit Orym but to pathologize his behavior as self-harming or moral OCD or a failure to get fully over grief (again, an expectation that is not just devoid of empathy but also sets the standard of 'get over grief' as "agrees with me") and not just "hey, this group killed my husband and father in front of me and I understandably will not budge on this particular front. So there's also a growing ableist push, here, because someone doesn't agree with you and will not agree with you and also might want to kiss someone different than whom you want them to kiss.

As of late, the banner of those wronged by the gods has shifted from any of Bells Hells to those of Aeor, and that is a bad sign in a D&D campaign. If you need to set aside the PCs in order to rely on NPCs who have not shown up in the current narrative? You are clinging to a melting iceberg, my man. (More so after invoking FCG as one of the victims of Aeor's demise, rather than someone created to be used for malicious purposes by Aeor; and even more so after they destroyed themself specifically in heroic sacrifice to save the rest of the party from a Vanguard general.). But more seriously, the focus on Aeor feels reminiscent of advocacy for the unborn; or, to take a page from my own personal experiences and move this back into a fandom realm, the way people will frequently more loudly decry antisemitism for depictions of goblins than for, say, the fact that I don't know of an American synagogue that hasn't experienced a bomb threat in the past 10 years. It's very easy to advocate for corpses or fetuses over the living, or for fictional characters over real people who might be less than perfect. Much easier to ensure they never do such inconvenient things as disagree with you or have their own suggestions or be complicated. It hearkens back to some of the conversations I and others had earlier this campaign about a denial of agency because by making characters victims "stripped of choice," (always that phrasing) suddenly they can't do wrong. They make for a shit story, but at least you can feel morally pure about your flavorless cardboard that ultimately means nothing in-world or out. (And if they don't have agency, that means your morality pet can't run away. Or blow themselves up in a stunning rejection of your argument.)

Returning to the Vanguard: an ongoing discussion in activist spaces (and internet ones as well) is that there's a weird ignorance of optics as an important factor in activism. I know it seems frustrating - why can't people just see that this cause is just - but optics have always been a crucial part of any successful movement. I mean, even if you do believe that we need to do more to combat climate change - and I do - my, and most people's response to the environmental activists who keep throwing soup or paint on artwork is "ugh, this again?" I mean, functionally, while the cause is far more just, it's not terribly distinct from the weird-ass He Gets Us ad campaign; most people are going to say "and you're doing this instead of anything helpful...why?" The Vanguard's optics SUCK. Sure, they've fomented some unrest, but it is an unfortunate truth that the vast majority of people will prefer the inherent violence of a stable system that they are used to over violent unrest. For a successful coup or radical change, either you need to strike at the seat of power extremely quickly or you need to show that you are the more, for lack of a better term, civilized option, and the Vanguard has failed utterly in both these. You're going to get a few places like Hearthdell (though, really, how long will that last given that they got rid of the temple without a scrap of help from Ludinus) but you're going to get a lot of places where city dwellers say "ugh, these stupid crystals are so fucking loud, could this motherfucker shut up" and you're also going to get no shortage of places that say "my family member was taken in by this cult" or "these guys murdered my professor". The rightness or wrongness of the Vanguard's politics aside, a lot of people in-world are likely to side with Orym - these people are murderers who disturb the peace and we should stop them. The cause is lost. Is it, in some absolute sense, fair that people will judge you more for how you convey a message than what the message is? No, although if you convey it in rivers of blood, then, perhaps, yes. But it is, fair or not, often true.

Which brings me back to Orym. I think the reason people are stooping so low specifically to malign and discredit Orym is because he brings all of the above uncomfortably to light. He's aligned with Keyleth, who quite frankly until pretty recently was, within the fandom, partly as (understandable) backlash to the hate she received, and partly because she was, if nothing else, always portrayed as someone deeply attuned to the human costs, treated as a morally infallible authority; and she is no friend to the gods yet still believes their demise is far too great a risk to take. Again, thinking of yourself as Exandria's equivalent of the man on the street (Imahara Joe the Plumber?), are you going to listen to "those people killed my husband and father to prove a hypothesis so that they could tether the moon?" or "my mom, who left me when I was two years old and never came back or sent a letter, is one of those people?" And that's assuming Imogen's even going to make that argument, which, as her actions indicate, she's probably not going to. But most of all I think they really don't like that Orym isn't backing down from "That is the blade that killed my father and husband. She is not right." He's kept to this story the entire time, while the positions of others have evolved. And he's telling the truth. Every time he says this, I think anyone who isn't actually a complete black hole of empathy must confront how much of their humanity they are supressing just to make a poorly-argued point about a D&D show and I'd imagine that can't make one feel very good.

I think people are terrified of Orym's conviction, because he has shown, time and time again, that he is not going to be swayed. I don't think, in fact, that he's going to be swayed by seeing Aeor, should that happen, since Aeor was destroyed a thousand years before he, Will, or Derrig were born, and their murders failed to undo that harm in any way. A really good way to turn people away from your cause, even if it's a good one, is killing those they love. And again, it's fine if you see that position as unfair, or ignorant, or even amoral. It's also extremely true. And I think people realize it's true, given that the only defenses I've seen for Liliana have been "well, but she's Imogen's mother" and "well, it's shockingly easy for people to fall into a cult, because this has happened to my family members." Clearly, we agree that people will place personal connections and the pain of those close to them over ideology. Orym's is just really inconvenient for some people, and so he must be discredited.

In the end: the people in the story who at every turn choose manipulation, indoctrination, violence, subjugation, and conquest are saying "This is the way; you just have to trust me." Is it any surprise most people watching the show are saying "No, I don't think I will"?

[colouredbyd]

Hey 🥰I’ve been reading The Nightingale and I just wanted to say your writing really pulled me in. It’s intense and emotional, and I got completely caught up in the world you built. You have a really unique way with words, and some scenes just stuck with me for days. That said, I’ve been checking for updates and kind of got tired of waiting, so I ended up using AI to generate an ending for it myself. I know it’s not the same as what you’d write, but I tried to make it match the tone and direction of the story. It actually turned out pretty good, at least for closure’s sake.

Not trying to be offensivee or anything I really do like your work, and I’m super invested in where it’s going. I just couldn’t handle not knowing how it might end. Love your writing Dai 🥰❤️❤️❤️

hello!! i want to begin with honesty, because there is no softness that can safely wrap what needs to be said. i do not agree with what you did. and more than that, it hurt to read your message.

i understand that you care about The Nightingale and that you feel invested in its characters, its world, and its emotional weight. i’m truly grateful that the story resonated with you so deeply. i’ve poured my heart into it, word by word, and knowing it reached someone means everything. but none of that justifies generating an ending for it yourself, especially using artificial intelligence.

this story is not a prompt. it is not a structure waiting to be filled in. it is a slow, intentional act of creation—personal, intimate, layered. it is a living thing, and it is still becoming. because every word is placed with purpose. to use AI to finish it is to step outside the rhythm of that care. it is to say that the waiting was too long, so you cut the thread and stitched your own. i know you did not mean harm. but harm does not require intent to be real.

i know waiting can be hard. i know how it feels to be consumed by a story and want more. but fanfiction is built on respect. it exists in a space where reader and writer meet through shared care. that connection depends on honoring the writer’s process, no matter how long it takes. by using AI to “finish” my work, you stepped past that boundary. and even though you said you meant no harm, the harm is still there.

i need you to understand this. truly. the story is not just mine in creation, it is mine in silence too. in pauses. in waiting. in every page that is not yet turned. and by skipping ahead, by letting a machine mimic a voice it will never understand, you stripped something of its soul. i say that with no bitterness in my voice, only truth.

because if i do not speak up, i am quietly accepting the erasure of the emotional labor that writing demands. i cannot do that. i will not do that.

The Nightingale is not finished because its story is still unfolding in me. it asks for care. it asks for time. and if you truly love it, i hope you will let it grow on its own terms.

thank you for reading. thank you for listening.

but please do not do this again.

[redjennies]

Oh, shit, checking through old fandom things and I hadn't even clicked that Red Jennies mighta been a DA reference. I just thought it sounded really cool when I followed, like a band of pirates. :o

tbh every so often I consider changing my url, and have briefly on a couple occasions, just so I'm not a dragon age url (though I will admit having a 10k+ post currently circulating through Tumblr dragging me for being a DA url has been extremely funny and I'm not even being remotely sarcastic. everyone who's been like "it's a sera-related url too so you know she's for real" in the tags has been the highlight of my notes lately.) but I keep coming back to it for three reasons

my desire not to interact with the DA fandom at large aside, I do love Sera and the Friends of Red Jenny. and not only do I love her, but I feel like Sera's a character who represents my personality and physical appearance in a way that some of my other faves don't necessarily encompass. like yeah, I am a blonde, goofy asshole who cuts her own hair and doesn't make a lot of sense when she talks. I'm not saying it's a one to one thing and I can't be objective about her, but I see a lot of my worst qualities in Sera in a way that really makes me appreciate how complicated she is. so much so, that a big part of me just not wanting to interact with the fandom was when a bunch of folks started reevaluating their hatred of Sera and putting it all on "bad writing" and I'm not saying I don't have some issues and opinions on that, but I definitely cannot fucking stand a lot of the fix-it fanon interpretations of Sera that sand her down to some easy-to-digest, Robin Hood punk elf. like at that point, just go back to hating her, yeah? anyway, I guess keeping the url is sorta my way of reclaiming her from a bunch of dorks I think don't even really like her.

as you mentioned, it's a dope fucking url, even if you aren't familiar with the Dragon Age series. like props to Bioware, there. the Red Jennies is just a cool name.

every time I don't vibe with something I can mentally justify it as "bro, it doesn't even have the jennies (a certain je ne sais quoi.)" in reference to myself.

[internetagepoet]

New Blog- Internet Age Poetry

Hey ya'll! It's been a hot minute since I've logged into Tumblr, but I have made my return with the sincerest appreciation for this platform and community. I have been a Tumblr user since 2013 and a Tumblr ghost since about 2018. I had been watching the "desecration" and re-development of this site from the shadows. However, I decided to make a return simply because... the internet isn't what it used to be. With Meta funding the war machine and Twitter/X being abducted by the most embarrassing influential billionaire in the world, I cannot justify spending anymore time on these social media platforms. Our current online status has left us all in what Debord refers to as the "Society of the Spectacle." However, the internet age I yearn for is that of the earnest 2010's. Nothing captures that nostalgia for me like Tumblr. My desire with this blog is to create an interactive space for poetry and literature. I do not want people to interact with this blog as though it was a Canvas Discussion Post or whatever. I simply want to share stories, words, messages- poetry, my original writing, the more established writing of others, and also, provide a space for you to share yours.Now, let me introduce myself to you properly! My name is Sajah Francesca. I recently graduated college with a Bachelor's in English Literature. I am a writer, focusing mostly on poetry, short stories, plays, (and idealistically writing movie scripts, as well). I have a couple publications in literary magazines and have corroborated with a friend in the early days of creating a local zine.In this past year, I published a poetry collection titled "Nasty. Unpredictable. Nonsense." In June, it will have been a full year since the books publication, and I still have over 300 copies to pedal and online sales have been low. I will admit, this is not due to a lack of support from the people in my life or my local community. I have worked vending booths and done elevator pitches to just about every man, woman, and queer teenager I've come across. The first major hurdle is not that people don't read anymore, but the majority of people don't buy books... period, often opting to read something on a tablet or listening to an audiobook. My work was never going to be Booktok palatable and is even too niche for the biggest bookworms. The second is that poetry is considered inaccessible in the larger zeitgeist. This, I think, is an unfair assumption that is pushed by pretentious psuedo-intellectuals who are ruining things for everyone. People are rather dismissive of poetry even though Shel Silverstein, Rupi Kaur, and musical artists like Kendrick Lamar have presented forms of poetry which are WIDELY accessible to many different demographics of people. The third issue is... I don't particularly want to sell my art. Pedaling anything makes me feel like shit and having to market myself while presenting something so vulnerable feels disingenuous. All this to say, I needed an online space to build community. I am hoping to start here by publishing my original poetry for you all to read, as well as share some of my favorites by other authors. Once I familiarize myself with the platform, I will start introducing some more interactive posts/blog chains/etc. Maybe I'll through in some book recommendations along the way I can't wait to hear from fellow artists and lovers of literature.