#I can't think too much about it or I am getting too emotional about it

[proxycrit]

I love your au!!! I love how the hylian duo look like gremlins, I LOVE the expressions and sass constantly and the changes to the lore, the worldbuilding and also the emotions (OUCH). I love their relationship with purah and each other and the new champions. I love the depth you gave Yona and her relationship with Sidon and Mipha. I love how link feels comfortable talking to sidon in addition to sign, I don't know if he does that with anyone else but Zelda unless its absolutely necessary (eg: just launched out a cannon and is paragliding down, so hands are busy) (side note: i love how much of an adrenalin junky/gremlin he is!!)

I do got a few questions! Will the pair get the sheikah slate again (so say link has the slate and zelda the pad), and can both slates do the warping and item storage (food, ingredients, armor, weapons, etc) (if so: no WONDER link was so upset! His collection!)

Does link have access to the ultrahand abilities (ik you said not The ultrahand, but what about fuse or ascend or rewind etc?) Where is the mastersword??

Does Link still have the champions' abilities, or did he lose those when their spirits moved on at the end of botw?

I know these are a lot of questions but I can't stop thinking about it!! The last few updates sent me back rereading the whole au and now its just vibrating in my head and giving me no piece

This is long and rambly, just know I am very much enjoying this au! Its silly and fun and touching and cute. Thank you for working on it!!

Oo some notes (also ty for circling my au haha im glad other people fixate like i do)

(Prewarning— i did not finish totk despite putting triple hours in it, so a lot of this story is being written while playing, though i know the big broad strokes thanks to cultural osmosis and video essays. A lot of Familiar Familiar builds from my playthrough with BOTW over TOTK, so the sheikah influence is significantly stronger and I will always choose botw characterization over totk characterization as a result.)

That aside

1. Sheikah slate’s dead. Rest in pieces, link’s rare collectable korok poop. Purah’s extracting as much data as she can to put on the purah pad but you can see the dread in her eyes whenever she has to tell link resurrection is not possible.

2. No idea about the zonai arm powers yet— im thinking about ascend, but the longer i go through this story the less likely ill hand it to him just due to immersion breakage. He and zelda will be getting sheikah gadgets from purah though! Maybe ill have a scene of him wandering through the sky island shrines, but without zelda warning rauru he and sonia wouldnt have prepared anything for the hero of the future. (But i DO love ascension and fuse. Lowkey dislike the building mechanics from a concept art pov because the green glue makes me want to cry, but it’s FINE i GUESS)

2b. Master sword’s chilling in korok forest. Link put it back in this au because of Reasons (part of his and zelda’s characterization in this au is to discard their past roles and embrace the present, not as knight and princess but as hero and researcher. They both have to face the reality those roles aren’t dead, but it’s a work in progress. I may also never address it. This “one off hehe lemme draw some guys” idea quickly spiraled into a web comic series so apologies for the vagueness, because i too am watching them adventure with dread and awe and i don’t know where they’ll go with it. They literally write themselves.

3. Rip champions, their ghosts are Gone (but their influence remains. You go mipha, keep haunting the narrative girl, i love you)

I know that some of these story notes don’t quite match up to what totk states is stone cold canon, but that’s the joy of fan work! Anyways sorry for folks who i have NOT answered asks of— i have a lot of them and I’m much better at the drawing and writing part then the socialization aspect (please feel free to peak in to my zoo enclosure ever so often though. I need the enrichment)

[luckykiwiii101]

Heyhey

First of all,

Much love to you. I know you've helped a lot of people and on behalf of everyone you've helped..a big thank you!

I found something on reddit and it made everything just click in an instant. I'll put it at the end. (for some reason I can't link it) I am sending this to you in the hope that this will really help some people who feel lost.

Sidenote: I know it's basically what you and other blogs has been preaching about, but this is rephrased differently and may help some people understand and truly apply (and stop overconsuming lol)

I CANT BELIEVE IT TOOK ME ALL THIS TIME TO FINALLY GET IT…  Tips & Techniques I’ve known about the Law of Assumption for almost four years, and now I finally get it. I always thought that when I closed my eyes to imagine something, it was my false self—let’s call her Ella—doing the imagining and experiencing the desire. But that’s not true. Ella only exists in the physical realm; she’s just another object in awareness. The one who’s really imagining is awareness itself—God, consciousness—the only thing that truly exists. Now I understand why imagination is immediate and real. It’s not Ella’s creation because she has no access to awareness. Ella’s role is confined to the 3D world. Her job is to make sense of life through logic, past experiences, and sensory input. So, when I imagine something, Ella can’t “see” it because imagination operates in the realm of awareness, not the physical. This is why thoughts like “Where is it?” or “It’s not working” arise—they’re just Ella panicking because she didn’t witness the creation happen. Ella is fixated on time and the physical world, so she doubts anything beyond her perception. But her panic doesn’t mean anything because she’s not the one imagining. She’s not capable of understanding or influencing what exists in awareness. This realization leaves no excuse not to trust my imagination. Imagination is beyond Ella’s capabilities, and its reality is not dependent on her understanding. This isn’t an invitation to hate or fight Ella—it’s about recognizing her limitations and letting her be. When I notice my mind being logical or thinking doubtful thoughts, I can let them pass because that’s just Ella doing her job. There’s no need to argue with or control her because it’s like bullying a blind person for not being able to see. She simply can’t perceive what’s happening in awareness, and that’s okay. Let her do her thing, knowing it doesn’t matter. The real work is already done in imagination, which is the realm of the infinite.

Someone answered:

Yup, Ella is herself a manifestation of consciousness and there is only consciousness. We think we are Ella, when we are consciousness, perceiving things through Ella's perspective. Good job. And that's exactly why manifestation is instant, the moment awareness becomes aware of something through your imagination, it happens. Because everything is awareness. You already are living that reality from the moment you imagined it. Ella will keep thinking. You need to not react to those thoughts or feelings of Ella, observe them, take care of Ella when she feels down but laugh a little at her naivety. Most people imagine and forget that they're not Ella but consciousness and become aware of something else by giving attention to Ella's limited perspective but guess what? Ella is a well behaved child, she will learn as soon as you discipline her. Her thoughts would slowly get on board too and so will the feelings. So let Ella be, don't react to her thoughts and emotions and become aware of something that's not what you want

People need to read this!!! Thank you so much for sharing!!

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

BTS' Thoughts on Being an Idol Part 2

Disclaimer: I am claiming no facts here. This is just my interpretation of the cards I get. Need to make this so people can see, because they bring the tea here. All is alleged.

I feel I have energy to get to this reading for this weekend. So, let's see what they feel like sharing for this segment. This went how I expected to go. I thought they would be more silent, but nope. They spilled some tea. Here you go. This is pretty long, sorry, but they had a lot to say

Seokjin

Thoughts on company? (The Star/9 of Cups/Queen of Swords) They fulfilled a wish from him, made his dreams come true. They did make him the star he is today. He does feel a bit exposed and had to pour a lot of himself on to others, which can get too much at times. I think he tries to focus on the good and blocks out the negative aspects as much as he can. He sees the company as pretty cutthroat, critical, a bit cold, not that loving and compassionate. I get feminine energy here. I do see them being open to hear his thoughts and opinions, but they don't show much compassion.

Thoughts on Industry? (3 of Pentacles/The Hanged Man/Wheel of Fortune) There is a collaborative effort to get things done, kind of do what you are told, follow orders. I see him having not much input. Maybe he feels hung to dry and sometimes put in difficult situations. He sees things continuing to keep moving and money made here. It is like he goes through the motions. He doesn't really invest his energy in the industry too much. His energy feels pretty nonchalant about things.

Effect idol life has had on him? (3 of Swords rv/King of Cups/The Moon/King of Pentacles) Well, this question he seems the most passionate about, cards flew out for this one. There are some things he hasn't healed from or worked through or he can't really communicate the things that has made him upset. I am getting again, about being exposed somehow. There could be some things that he hides and doesn't want to share. There are a lot of emotions he is feeling though. He could feel slighted by this KOP's. I asked for a clarifier and got the hanged man, this goes along with the question above I guess he feels upset that this person leaves him hanging out to dry. He seems to have a different viewpoint on this KOP's now, maybe he has new insight to this person that he didn't have before. This KOP's could have put him in a lot of difficult situations.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (6 of Pentacles/7 of Pentacles/Death) Dude, why did I have to get the Death card here, do not like that card, but it could mean he wants some ending or change to happen, for some things to end. He wants to be paid fairly and got what he is owed, I felt that in the question above to, but didn't feel like sharing it, but getting that sense here too. He may want to create his own image and not the one concocted for him by others. Maybe that is what he wants to end, like the death of the image they created of him.

Man, his was hard to interpret as usual. I struggle to understand his messaging, but didn't expect to get as much as I got, thought he would be mute. I mean he didn't give me anything too wild though, but interesting stuff.

Suga

Thoughts on company? (10 of Pentacles/The Devil/Page of Wands) Don't think he is a fan. Well, he knows the group is their money maker, put out there for display. They have to carry a lot of the weight for the company. He feels binded and contracted to stay with them. This just gives me like a toxic relationship he can't get out of. On these two cards all I see is money, so they all they care about his money. Not sure he can leave even if he tries. He does want to venture out and explore new things. I think he wishes they focus on the creative aspect and let him create more or be more creative. He may feel they are a bit hesitant to try new things. He may feel they play it safe sometimes.

Thoughts on Industry? (5 of Pentacles/Knight of Swords/3 of Swords) He feels there is loss of money there, maybe he feels they can't make much money in the industry. There could be a lot of debt, lack of support and they leave you out to dry. Umm, I am getting he wants to know where the money is going. I heard that when I was looking at the 5 of Pentacles. That's interesting, maybe that is what he is pissed about. This sounds like the story of every boyband in the world. Stealing money and not giving the members their money's worth. I feel this man has a lot to share about the industry and I can see him sharing his hurt and frustration about it, not sure how that would work out. But he seems pissed with how they go about things. I just heard, 'I want to tear them to shreds, so yeah.'

Effect it has had on him? (2 of Wands/9 of Pentacles/5 of Cups) It has allowed him to harness creative energy and work on his vision. It may have fueled a fire in him. I see him wanting to be independent and stand on his own. And shedding the idol image, now can he do that or will he do that, not sure. I see him having a vision of wanting to do things on his own. I see him feeling down how things have not worked out how he wanted.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry ? (The High Priestess/The Magician/4 of Pentacles) Interesting to see the high priestess and the magician, both for me has to do with magic spells, so not sure he knows any spells to manifest things into his life, but he may try that, but overall, I see him trying to create a way to control his money flow, or to retain the money he has or gets. I am just getting this sense of I need to have control of my money. So, that is what he is going to try to do.

Well, I felt he would be more vocal and bring some tea, and he did.

J-Hope

Thoughts on company? (2 of Swords/The Emperor/The Magician) He seems to be at odds with a powerful figure in the company, could be Bang PD, but not certain, but someone who inserts their control, pretty strict and can get aggressive. It is about what he creates and how he uses his skills and talents. I don't see either one backing down here, but they don't agree at all with the direction each want to go in.

Thoughts on Industry? (The Hanged Man/9 of Wands/2 of Cups) He might have accepted things for what they are and has a whole new outlook on the industry. It is like there isn't much he can do about things; his hands are tied. He sees that the industry beats you down and are all for the money. Once again, the pact card pops up from this deck. I had to get some other cards, because wtf does this mean. I got the 8 of Swords, which gives me someone wanting to look away, this is something they cannot face, talk about or address and now the 2 of wands, which in this deck, this card can give me sexual favors and acts, not sure he participated, but he may show he is aware of it. I wanted another card and got the 4 of Pentacles, it is a means to control their career and keep them in line that is what I am interpreting here. Moving on.

Effect it has had on him? (8 of Swords/10 of Swords/The Hanged Man) He kind of tries to shield himself from it. He may try to not address certain things, or he just keeps silent and can't express what is going on. He may feel a sense of entrapment. I see a lot of thoughts weighing on him, it is mentally tasking for him. But once again, he is showing my hands are tied, not much I can do.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry ? (10 of Cups/3 of Cups/3 of Pentacles) Sometimes that 3 of Cups gives me party favors or rituals, but what I am seeing is, he wants more positivity and to radiate positive energy to others. He wants a loving family community in the industry. He wants more love, joy and hope around being an idol and the industry. He would like people to work better together. For the idols and company to work as a team. It is like what they show to the public is how he wants things to be, or maybe that is what he will try to do as an idol moving forward.

I was not expecting him to share as much as he did, since he comes off as wanting to hide the tea, but guess not, thanks Hobi's higher self/guides for the insight.

RM

Thoughts on company? (3 of Cups/8 of Cups/Queen of Cups) This is giving me similar vibes to one of the Aespa girlies reading. I just hear, I don't want no part of this shit. There are things they do that he doesn't want to be a part of. It has to do with woman, drinks, parties. It is like they get offered stuff from woman; drinks it could be. I am getting orgies from the 3 of Cups. But he wants to remove himself from that. I am getting shown a vision of him at a party and woman offering drinks, it may be an industry party. Okay, I can't go further unfortunately. I feel like I am being pushed out, like I can't go deeper unfortunately, they aren't letting me, I feel some resistance, but that means I am on to something here, darn it. I feel he tries to give me insight, but I get pushed out lol These companies got some strong ass protective shields, but with that money, they better lol You guys win this round.

Thoughts on Industry? (The Sun/The Emperor/7 of Wands) What I am seeing is that I don't think he likes that they control young children, that is how I see this spread. I see him wanting to take a stand against them for this. Okay, got something else they control your true essence, that maybe it. The Sun is about the Ego, your authentic self. He doesn't like that they contain that. The first message could apply too. They can steal their creativity as well. Or dim it.

Effect it has had on him?( 4 of Pentacles/The Fool/6 of Wands) He has learned to control and invest in his assets. He may have learned not to take risk. He has learned to have a competitive spirit and learned to win at all costs. Yeah, he may have been more of a risk taker before but isn't as much now. There needs to be a level of control around him, or he needs to have control of things. There is this competitive drive he has gained through this experience. I am hearing to defeat the enemy, not sure what that means, but okay.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (5 of Cups/Temperance/The Hanged Man) I think he is trying to find balance. For people to compromise more or will try to. He wants to try to view things differently. I see him wanting to step away to. I am not sure what the 5 of Cups means, like he may want to focus more on the brighter side of things. Maybe he wants to be aware of all the downsides that he has went through, there is a silver lining to it. It is like he was put in a difficult situation, so he wants to find a way to improve the situation that he may not be able to control through his own mindset. It is like he may not control outside circumstances, but he can control his inner dialogue. It is like he wants to find inner peace, and this is how he can do it.

Another one with some interesting tea and once again, that protection that is around him is persistent. But still got something

Jimin

Thoughts on company? (5 of Cups/Page of Pentacles/Ace of Swords) This 5 of Cups is showing up a lot. I see him facing disappointments and regrets. It is hard for him to see the bright side of things when it comes to the company. He is patiently and cautiously waiting for his next steps. He could have a plan to take some sort of stand of defense, not sure anything will be done with that being an ace card. It is like he has an idea to further progress his career, but it is not fully well thought out. I mean this doesn't say much about the company though. They may leave him little room to grow and flourish when it comes to his career. It seems like he may be a bit stunted.

Thoughts on Industry? (The Devil/Page of Wands/Ace of Pentacles) Well, I got the toxic card, so there is that. There is a lot lurking in the shadows when it comes to this industry. Money could be tied to some dark stuff. The number of times I get this card is wild. They kind of shield your creativity. They don't really allow too much creative freedom. They are really about the money and how they can make that. This makes sense.

Effect it has had on him? (2 of Wands/4 of Swords/Death) Ugh, I keep getting this sh** There are 78 cards in this deck and these two cards had to come out, together! This pisses me off. Once again, the 2 of Wands and with the 4 of Swords in this deck, gives me sexual favors/acts, sorry. I was pissed when I saw the 2 of wands but then got more pissed when the 4 of swords came out after it, and it is literally someone naked on a clouded bed. This annoys me and I don't know what this death card means and not sure I want to know. I feel he has lost a part of himself due to this, maybe this is why he feels so disconnected in my readings. I can also see the 4 of swords as them shining a light on their vulnerabilities. Alleged, just a feeling, but that card is making me feel there could be videos and photos of him as well. F*** this industry if true.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (2 of Pentacles/3 of Pentacles/8 of Swords) There could be people he wants to build a team with and work with, but this 8 of Swords is making game feel sad. I heard, help me, it is like he is trapped and kind of has to do what he is told. I am sorry I needed more clarification on that 8 of Swords and got the knight of cups and the moon, so how I interpret this is that he has kind of blocked himself off from his emotions, kind of getting that dissociation energy here. It is like he blocks his emotions off to not feel his emotions, due to the fact that if he does feel things that things that haunt him will come up again. That is how I see it. It now makes sense why this dude tries to escape and distract himself. I might need to go read his perspective reading again, because this is making me sad. And I feel there is something there that could help me understand this messaging better. I get an ominous feeling about what is going on with this man. I asked for one other card and got the knight of swords, so it seems he may want to go after someone or defend himself to this person, someone he works with, so he could be pissed off at someone. He seems he is coming with a vengeance.

Alright, that one was rough, moving on. I knew this one would take me a long time to do but want to finish this. So yeah, looks like he has been through it, and I feel this industry has messed him up. Allegedly. This is why he feels so disconnected, dissociated energetically, it makes sense to me now.

V

Thoughts on company? (8 of Pentacles/Page of Cups/9 of Wands) Didn't I get that he was being watched in a reading or observed by the company? Because I am sensing that with this card's imagery on this deck. It is like they always try to put him to work and keep him busy. This page of cups was so hard for me to grasp. I keep getting pulled to the cup with a fish on it and got surprised or unexpected events. This made absolutely no sense to me, so pulled another card and got the 10 of Pentacles, once again, I get this vibe that they try to keep him under lock and key, because of the money he brings to the company, so they try to contain him, it is like Tae can be a bit out of control. I don't think I can avoid saying this, man, why do I have to get these messages, I hear pregnancy, so not sure if there was one with him or a scare, or they are fearful of him getting someone pregnant, but yeah, maybe this is why they keep him under observation. Anway, he is important to the company and their money, so they make sure he doesn't slip up. I tried to avoid saying this but so be it. No facts, just going with the message I get. I see him taking a stand against the company and fighting back as well. He has also dealt with some battle scares with them as well and has been pretty beat down by the industry as well. It is a tough industry to be in.

Thoughts on Industry? (King of Wands/King of Cups/Page of Pentacles) Not sure if he sees that the industry can inspire change and can bring love and compassion to the world. This makes no sense to me. Or maybe he wants that. He would like more passion and compassion. It seems for him it takes a long time to grow financially and build support in the industry. He may feel there needs to be more stability in the industry. And there is a lack of growth and maybe cultivating artist in the industry. I see him thinking there should be improvements with how one climbs the latter. Interesting messaging, because it does not fit with the cards, but going with the messages I get. I feel like it fits with his unique way of seeing things, so yeah.

Effect it has had on him? (3 of Wands/The World/The Magician) I don't see a lot of negative impacts here, seems quite positive. Like this has allowed him to expand himself and get a global reach. He is able to share his talents with the world. And put himself out there, so he is pretty positive about things when it comes to the idol life. It is like this is something he has always wanted for himself.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (The Fool/Justice/6 of Wands) He wants to wipe the slate clean, maybe start all over. He wants to receive justice. I am getting fair pay. There is this fighter and winner spirit he has to seek what he wants. I can also see him wanting to take a risk, maybe that means starting over again, who knows. There is this energy of wanting to defeat others. I hear take them down and get what he feels he deserves.

Hs wasn't too intense thankfully

Jungkook

Thoughts on company? (9 of Wands/10 of Swords/The Sun rv) He doesn't feel highly of them. Feels battered, broken and bruised. He feels mentally drained, betrayed, and backstabbed. I do see with this 9 of wands he does stand up for himself. I just hear, 'you can't beat me down.' He won't go down without a fight. But he can get really down in the dumps and there are a lot of heavy thoughts that weigh on him, due to the company. They have dimmed his light, took his youth and just hidden the light he has within him. The sun just reminds me of brightness, life and youthful energy and it is just mostly gone from him, due to the company. I just get he is a bit jaded.

Thoughts on Industry? (7 of Cups/Knight of Pentacles/3 of Cups) Ugh, thought I would be safe here, but no. The industry sells you a fantasy and delusions. Not what you see is reality of how things are. To further advance their career, they may need to entertain parties and yeah, you guys know this part, but that is what I am seeing with this. There is money put into this too, is what I am sensing here too. I just hear them telling him, go, you will have fun, shit like that. I kind of don't like that I get this, but I feel this insight is needed to understand that backroom deals that might possibly be happening.

Effect it has had on him? (Page of Wands rv/10 of Swords/4 of Cups) I just want to hug this boy. Well, they didn't nurture his creativity at all or take care of him or keep him safe. I feel he may get depressed and have lots of negative thoughts due to the idol life. He is basically emotionally done and drained, pretty much emotionally numb due to all this. I don't see this man taking any offers from the company. I just see him pretty much closed off right now.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (Queen of Cups/The Hanged Man/Page of Pentacles) I think he wants to connect with his emotions and share that with others, especially the fans. He wants to spread his light and love towards others. I see him wanting to pour his love to the fans for some reason. He wants to try to look at things differently, kind of like Namjoon, trying to learn and accept the difficulties of this life. And like Tae, he wants growth to be organic, oh that just came out, I was going to say something else, like what Tae said in his part, but I guess he wants it that way. Like more of a slow process, not things happening too fast, now that could be for the industry.

I don't know, but the more I read for him. The more I adore him. But also feel a bit sad. Him and Jimin seemed like they went through it the most.

And I still don't get how I get resistance from only Namjoon's energy, but not the others, like why Namjoon? is it because he seems to share the most or know the most? I get blocked off from Namjoon's energy, but not the others, because they all gave me tea here, not just him. But that is what I have for them for this installment. Hope you enjoyed the read.

[autisticfaun420]

My life with level 2 (part 1)

I'm making this post to share some things about my life and give an idea about what my support needs are

1. Every morning I wake up sealed in my cubby bed, an enclosed bed that keep me trapped inside so I dont wander and hurt myself or roll out and have a meltdown (common things that happen with me and regular beds). It's also soft so I don't potentially bang my head against something hard. you're probably wondering well how do I go to the bathroom at night. That brings me to my next point.

2. Every morning after opening up my cubby bed either my mom, dad, caregiver, or occasional close friend takes me to my changing station in my room and begins to change my diaper. Thats right I was NEVER able to potty train and due to EXTREME sensory issues I am unable to change myself. This means I need constant super vision as I always need someone to change me, also calm me down if meltdown, etc. I simply have no way to tell I need to go, 1 or 2, till its much too late. So yeah diapers are an all day thing not just at night.

3. I'm older then 20 and my parents are l now my legal guardians for life, and if they can't do it I have friends that will step up. I'm not sure exactly what this means legally but I take it to mean Im basically still a kid to them on like, every level. They respect my intelligence but they still set the rules. One that always kind of gets people mad but then they understand is the fact that I have child safety internet settings on my tablet and phone, I can't access most social media websites and I'm not alliowed YouTube only YouTube Kids. This is because my parents and close friends agree that these teenage boys from a nearby town were trying to make me an "lol cow", basicallly a target for online harassment and bullying and trolling me because I was special needs and active on social media. Tumblr with my parents having the username and password and log ins and they check it every day is all I get. My friends and parents show me things from TikTok and Youtube that they think i'll like so I don't miss out. Oh yeah and I would binge watch horror and terror content on youtube, something that a lot of autistic people do apparently, however I mentally can't handle it. I wake up and freak out and hit myself all night and lose sleep for a week and end up in a mental hospital cause I'm hurting myself and not sleeping. Not fun... at all. I had unrestricted internet access as a teenager and I'm glad that part of my life is over. My parents do however let me eat cannabis edibles every day so its not like they're over protective, just protective in the way I need.

4. My parents are my emotional coregulators and I rely on them heavily, a lot of the time just to know how I'm feeling. I break down emotionally frequently and if my parents or a select few of my friends aren't there to cuddle me and rub my back the right way, I FREAK out and start hitting myself cause my brain is a bit nutty I guess. I'm needy with those I love to a rediculous degree. I'm a lot better, still not great, at self soothing. Self soothing is an oxymoron for me. I kinda need to be with somebody to be told to calm down, encouraged to come out my shell, praised when I do something good, and just having a hand to hold. My mom is rubbing my back encouraging me to write this out like I said I wanted to do.

5. I need to stim, constantly. I'm always rocking, fidget toy and plushie in hand chewing on my chewing laynyard, you get the idea. I also need audio and visual stims which I get in the form of watching bright colorful little kid shows on my tablet like Blues Clues and Daniel Tiger. I think this is why people don't think I'm smart but its just who I am and what my needs are.

I think this is a good starting point, I'll make a part 2 later.

[auzlon]

Oh where, thou art sweet slumber.

I can't sleep I think its the panic attack I gave myself in the car today. It's 2:28 am, I slept 10 hours yesterday and I think today 5 will be a god send.

Why the panic attack? Him. He still lives here in me. I thought again of how he his telling the story our separation, is he telling people I was an ungrateful bitch, that I just wanted the single life, that I wouldn't have sex with him, or something subtle or worse nothing at all. I thought of confrontation and i do that on regular basis think of a scenario in which I cause more emotional damage to myself than anything. In this one he's telling everyone I wouldn't have sex with him.

I say to him

"I didn't want to have sex? that's why everything fell apart? Be so fucking for real!", my eyes watering, my voice pitching. "I loved you of course I wanted you. I was attracted to you, I wanted to get fucked by you every day. It was never an issue of me not wanting to have sex, it was issue of the fucking disappointment in your eyes and words when wasn't good enough. You were injured I got that it wasn't solely up to you, but you expected me to lead and just suck you off for your sake. To demonstrate that I wasn't selfish, that I could give without expecting. But Jesus, I would do it then your yelling at me a week later because I haven't done it again. I couldn't have sex with you unless the lights were off and I was blasted, and as soon as I finished I showered. It became a fucken chore, became you made it seem like a clock was fucken ticking for me to initiate and do it, TOO YOU. Your questioning why I didn't enjoy it? You were a body, when I initiated you didn't kiss, or touch me or show any kind of want for me. And that destroyed my confidence." I am in pain in those word, my breathe hicks, my hands are shaking. "You told me once crying wouldn't get me anywhere, as If I was child crying over candy. I was crying because I couldn't understand how you could yell at me and say some of the things you did. You said be open, transparent I cried and you turned it on me. You wonder why I fell out of love?

I am nauseated for allowing you to treat me the way you did for as long as you did."

I imagine that when those words are said, I wear a bitterly won face. The tear falling but keeping my expression firm. It's not about giving him the satisfaction but knowing I won't sob over this anymore. Over him, what he did, what he said, and how we laughed.

it's 2:56 AM now.

I wonder much and know none. I knew your voice in the dark,

I knew your moans once upon a time.

I knew what it was to be a goddess and they a priest.

I knew you in the dark my mind clouded.

I wonder when the priest chose a new religion.

I knew when,

I no longer wanted your prayers.

[aibouart]

okay i am going to ramble abt these guys

so the fool and the friend live in this sort of PC box situation. unsure if it's actually a pokemon PC box or not, but they're the only real ones in there. the fool heavily relies on the friend as their root of emotional stability and is very codependent, but the friend desires a larger friend circle and freedom which the fool takes as a like, personal thing, that they aren't good enough, they'll be forgotten or pushed away, very rejection sensitive dysphoria.

they hang out at the beach and play in the waves, or cuddle on the grass, they also love to trade seashells with each other.

the bubbles aren't really real in the same way, they have no names, they can hold conversation and interact but they're not real beings. the friend loves them and loves to interact w them, making friends w them, hanging out (they'll even trade seashells with them also...) and the fool internalises it until they explode. this leads the fool to lash out against the bubbles, the friend, or themself.

they end up killing one of those options and their reality resets. they both forget the entire situation and as the reality is resetting, all the tears the fool cries becomes the bubbles for the next iteration. this goes on for eternity.

the fool and the friend are actually two parts of one whole of a being, however. they're split apart and doomed to repeat this self afflicted nightmare over and over due to the original beings feelings of despair and feeling like they deserve to live this out. they've already forgotten all about that but i think the friend knows on a subconscious level. but the fool is too focused on feeling so garbage about the scenarios every time to snap out of it, and the friend can't do much about it when they also forget each time the world resets.

the friend also has different reactions each reset, either blaming themself, blaming the fool, getting angry, getting depressed, being apologetic, or lashing out and blaming the fool. they'll sometimes try to remind the fool about how they're doing this to themselves when the world resets but they both forget ofc.

they live here and it sucks

[eastofedean]

born to be a cowboy forced to be some guy in some city

[erodingsinner]

Arrow if Slade and Oliver had a fucked up toxic romantic thing going

[moregraceful]

it was once observed by a dear friend that the hours in which i am most alert are like 7pm to 2am which probably explains a lot about how my posts get worse throughout the evening. but also sometimes i look at today where i was just sort of gnawing the couch all day until about 5pm when i wrote an entire fic in two hours and then another entire post about kaapo which to be clear took another two hours bc i had to chase links and explain my passions in a kind way and this was in addition to a church meeting. i would excel as the person who lights and then extinguishes lamps in the night

[secriden]

Ohhh, I love this explanation! This makes a lot of sense because Kant is such a practical character (vs Style's almost naivety in clinging to hope, as you pointed out), that it just makes sense that he'd rather Bison (and himself and Babe and Style) be safe apart from the men they have fallen in love with, then attempt to cling onto the tenuous happiness of being together. This also makes sense in light of Kant losing his parents presumably fairly young and, of all the characters(*), being subsequently introduced to the harsh realities of a life very much outside of his own control. Life has taught Kant the practicality of accepting when you can't change something, so its not worth trying.

(*) I'm not intending to downplaying the trauma of Fadel and Bison witnessing their own parents' murders, but they at least were groomed coerced indoctrinated trained into a life that gave them the semblance of control (see: Bison's expression of ecstasy in episode 1 when he knew he was going to murder the man he's currently hugging to his chest) while Kant got into a life of crime out of necessity and then very quickly seems to have fallen into a life under the manipulative thumb of a corrupt police captain.

I think the idea that his past crimes will always hang around his neck, threatening to pull him back in, to sully all of of his relationships (romantic entanglements, his friendship with Style, Babe's respect and trust, etc) is simply a little too much to bear.

Looooove this point. It puts into words something about the air of resentment that Kant has steadily been gaining as the series progresses. At the start of the series, he appears to be almost wilfully ignoring the severity of his situation; the way he searches out casual flings and feeds into Style's playful antics and pretends he has things under control. Even as he protests the Captain's continued manipulation, there's a sense that he was almost resigned to his lot, but in a way that feels like avoidance rather than acceptance -- like he knew he couldn't do anything and he didn't want to allow himself to acknowledge it because then he'd have to FEEL just how unfair it all was. But now that things are coming to a climax, and especially because his affection for Bison have been growing and becoming more and more entangled with his guilt over the manipulation and his worry for Babe and the complication of trying to keep Style from falling in love with a murderer (oops! too late!), its like it's all reaching a boiling point.

I think establishing the tone from the begining was a great call, and i've been trying to make a post about it but it's not coming along

But yes, I am quite happy to agree that this show isn't meant to be taken seriously in these aspects. You're right about them striking the balance very well from the get go, and I was one of the people most intrigued and excited by the intentionality of the cast explicitly being all please don't set up unreasonable expectations! this is a comedy! A COMEDY!!! before the series dropped. I liked how it made me feel like the cast and Jojo and the production team knew exactly the story they wanted to tell and moreover were intentionally setting it in the style and medium and genre they wanted.

But yeah, I'm a-okay with certain things not being fully explained because I'd far rather they take the time and space and funding to nail down the things they actually WANT to nail down (like the complexity of the emotional entanglements that all the characters were grappling with in Ep 6. That slow zoom and linger on Kant's eyes as they turn molten with dismay-longing-happiness-despair when Bison comes back. *clasps hands* Thank you, Jojo and First TwT <3)

Also, no pressure, but I'd love to read your further thoughts on this if you decide to make that post after all! <3 >w<

Ok, genuinely asking cuz I think I missed something??

So the captain is using Kant (and Style) to get evidence, not on Fadel and Bison, but specifically because they want whoever is behind them, right? That's the whole reason for this ruse to begin with.

So, like, okay he's still the police and they're pretty sure there's going to be an attempted murder, so they have to be there to try to prevent it. But if they actually arrested Fadel and Bison, their boss would probably go to ground and be impossible to find.

(Especially if the captain/police don't know about the dysfunctional psudo family relationship that Fadel and Bison have with Lilly.)

So, did Bison and Fadel only get away in episode 6 because they captain intentionally let them go? Is he still hoping to use Fadel and Bison to get to their boss? (Was the motherfucker just a hilariously dramatic act for show?)

If so, why does Kant think he's done? At first I thought it was because he thinks the brothers have been caught, but he tells Style, "You have to get over it. You can't ever get together with him. Move on." which suggests that Kant thinks Style has the opportunity to try (ie. he knows Fadel hasn't been arrested yet).

Clearly, Kant understands that Fadel and Bison's arrest is an inevitability, that it's only been delayed because they're not interested in taking out only the people on the field. So he should know that Fadel and Bison not being arrested means the ruse is very far from being done.

Maybe Kant means it like: I'm done, I can't do it anymore, my heart won't let me lie to Bison again. ;A;

But even so, at this point (the day after the botched shooting), Kant hasn't discovered anything more than what he gave to the captain when the captain refused to agree that Kant was done the previous day, so like... why does he think he's done???!?

I'm just feeling very confused as to what, exactly, the captain's plan is now... Cuz surely the police know that Fadel and Bison are going to be suspicious about the undercover police presence at the charity event. Which therefore puts their moles (Kant/Style) at risk of not only being discovered, but being fed false information. Is the captain so confident in Kant (and Style's) seduction that they think Bison and Fadel will come back with NO caution?

Or am I just taking it all too seriously and this is one of those "accept the suspension of disbelief" moments? Should I just assume the police people aren't actually that smart? This is, after all, a comedy.

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Jungkook's Career Reading

Now time for the last member for BTS' career reading. I would leave it to Jungkook to give me some intensity here, so some promising cards, but there is some darkness here too.

So, we start with the Pluto energy. I was surprised to get this, but I really shouldn't be though. This card usually just gives me that there is some old stuck, murky energy that needs to be released. The color is very murky, can't think of anything else. So, he may need to remove some dark energy or toxicity out of his life regarding his career. There is a lot of dark shadows around him when it comes to his career. I am hearing Come Clean by Hilary Duff. He's got to work on clearing this energy.

Now, we got to the 5 of Pentacles, the first word that I noticed was the Darkside of money. I feel this may relate to him somehow and if you read his perspective reading. You may know what I am referring to, because I am being pulled to that reading. He may also feel neglected, left out, not sure he feels he has much support when it comes to his career or maybe this is how he feels right now that he is in the Military. He might be in a doom and gloom energy right now. But the 5 of Pentacles isn't about emotions. It is about maybe not feeling safe and comfortable at the moment, and he may now feel that way regarding his career as well.

Now, with this Angel card. I can see this as he does have a lot of angelic support and guidance around him. I also see this as him being a gentle soul and very caring towards others and wanting to support and protect others, maybe this is others in the industry.

With this Addict card, the imagery here speaks to me. He wants to push away any negativity that may come from the industry and try to fight and resist temptation, not sure what that is, but that popped up. I am not sure if he has any addictions, but he tries not to fall prey to it, or any patterns this industry tries to cultivate in him.

Now, I see promising things for him with the Tarot cards. I can see the world card as he does have global appeal, and he can impact the world with his art and music. I can still see him doing that once he is out. I feel there is a lot of music he wants to create. He wants to explore and try new things and expand himself. I see an adventurous and rebellious nature to him as well. I see that in his music already, so there will be more of that. I see him trying to visualize what he plans to do.

I do see a lot of stress, worries and sleepless nights with him. I wonder if there is some sort of bullying with him. There is a sense he could be taunted by others or just taunted by the past. I am not sure if this is the Miliary or the industry, but I am asking about his career, but current energy sometimes seeps through my readings.

Now, it is interesting that the devil card was exactly behind this 6 of Wands when I pulled the card out, which gives me there is something darker and more sinister to his success and rise to fame that is hiding behind all the glitz and glam, not liking that, but this goes along with my perspective reading. There are chains that comes with success for him. It isn't all that it seems.

I am not really understanding this false assumption card here. This card is urging him to let go of a need to be right and making false assumptions. Now, maybe he is prone to do that and maybe he is making things worse than what it is, but I don't get that impression from the cards or his energy. I was looking at the cards for some answer to this and the keyword on one of the cards says, "a sense of lack in life." I think that could be it. He may feel he has nothing in life, but he actually has an abundance of things. If he starts to look at what he has rather than what he doesn't have. He may start to feel better about himself and his situation. He may just focus on the downsides, which can lead him into misery.

Now, to the final cards, Peacock spirit, one of my favorite cards in this oracle. It is time to let himself shine and show his true colors. To allow his talents to flourish. To use the spotlight in a beneficial way, that can help him and others. Once he gets out of the Military. I feel this is something he may or should do. He also has the ability of communicating to the masses and shedding light on some things as well, not sure what that is exactly, just go with the messages I get.

So, yeah, I do see some downsides here, but I can also see some positive things happening for him as well. Once he is able to transform all that negative energy to something far greater and more positive in his life. It is time for him to leave that negative energy behind him. I am wishing him all the best. Another interesting reading from him. Now time to get to their love readings after this. It was a fun journey regarding all their career readings.

I also find it interesting that I don't feel anything with his energy, like no blockers/protections or anything with the type of messaging he gives me, but for others I do, and I don't see their readings as dark as his. That confuses me sometimes, like why some and not others, not sure how that works. Anyway, always enjoy getting to know more of his story from my interpretation. No facts. I find his story interesting.

[katierosefun]

okay so now that i’ve officially finished watching leverage i just want to say that maybe i’m obsessed with this show on multiple levels and something about how it hits so many itches in that it’s about found family and it’s about fucking over bad, rich guys (no billionaire bootlicking in this show! and i fucking love it) and it’s also about how sometimes the bad guys are the only good guys you get and it’s also about how we are all stronger together it’s about how at the start of this show, we have all of these characters who are largely used to working alone and being alone and yet the show concludes that ultimately, we are better when we are together and by being together, we might be able to leave something behind that is bigger and brighter for the next people in our generation and no man is an island and no person is meant to beat goliath on their own or whatever

[ukulelegodparent]

Just went to uni and instead of doing anything spent 3h agonising about ending my relationship. I'm sure this is good and normal

[blackcatxmagic]

When he heard Joe's remark about photography, Dimi smiled; he liked that the man understood it. "Thank you," he said softly, appreciatively. "Not everyone gets it. They don't realize the amount of care I put into my work, and they think it's easy to take a good picture. It's not. I know art is subjective, but when people like what I do, it makes me feel like I made the right career choice. But you know, it's not just a career, it's who I am." Dimi paused, thinking about the journey he'd been on to become the photographer he was today. "I prefer the more candid shots," Dimi went on. "I like capturing real moments of just raw emotion, no putting on a show for the camera, you know what I mean? It just feels so much more authentic." As he listened to Joe talk about Boris, Dimi smiled again. "I can tell you're really proud of them," he replied, warmed by the way that Joe was talking about his child. "They're lucky to have a dad like you," he went on. "I know we just meant, but it's obvious to me how much you care for and support them. It's so nice to see." Joe being a good dad made Dimi automatically like him. It was one of the most important ways he could tell who a person really was.

Sighing, Dimi nodded at the next remark. "I don't think kids were as cruel back when I was in school," he replied, "but maybe I really was just lucky. I just...I can't imagine saying those kinds of things to someone, those heartless things. I'd be so angry at Ozma if she spoke to a kid like that, though I don't have to worry about that. Ozma is a good girl." Of course, Dimi knew he couldn't be totally sure of what Ozma did and said when he wasn't around, though he'd be beyond shocked to find out she had said or done such cruel things. Smiling at Joe's comment, Dimi replied, "Thanks. It's not always been easy, and you're right, being a single dad is tough. But we have each other, and we get through it. Plus she's really close to my best friend and his wife, who both live here in Cardinal Hill too, so she's got support. And she's already made friends since coming here." He paused, thinking about something that had been bothering him as his coffee and omelet arrived. "You know," Dimi said, "I've had this fear since we came here. Ozma has friends now, but no one at school knows about her mom. What if they change when they find out? I don't know what I would do if her new friends turned on her." Dimi didn't really think that would happen because her friends here seemed so much different from her so-called "friends" back in Minneapolis. But still, he couldn't help but worry.

As he began eating his omelet, Dimi chuckled, shaking his head. "You invited me for coffee, and here I am eating breakfast and laying all of this on you," he said. "You're probably wishing someone else had found your keys."

.

"I had a friend who got a camera when we were kids, as a Christmas gift. He became the neighborhood photographer for all the weddings, baptisms, communions, confirmations, birthdays and quinceañeras," Joe said, chin resting on his hand, thinking back to that time. "It's an important job, being a photographer. They document things, they make sure history can be revisited..." He had some coffee and thought about it. A friend of Reba, the last one she had left, had given her a little Polaroid when they were packing to leave New York. The photos they had taken during that long trip were still saved in a shoebox in the wardrobe, gathering dust.

"Their movies? Of course, they're good. I'm not a particularly big movie fan, but everything they do –and they do everything –it has so much care and effort..." Joe smiled. He knew Boris had always been very creative, and each time they brought a new tape with their latest finished project to the living room to show it off, it made him and Reba hugely proud. They hadn't been that happy at first, though, when their kid was just starting out and it was all very much trial and error, with piles of garbage brought from the junkyard for set design and long hours of repetitive sound editing going on deep into the night.

"Jesus... You were lucky if you didn't know how evil kids could get," Joe said with a sigh. He hadn't had trouble with others when he was a child –he had known, even back then, how to make the best to blend in –but his younger brothers and cousins didn't always know the right things to say, or their interests weren't like those of the other boys... If he hadn't been reasonably popular, and tall enough to intimidate a couple of the more notable bullies, Joe had a feeling some of the Ávila boys might have been the target of a lot more aggressions, the type that he used to witness other children being often subjected to. "I'm sorry. About those nasty kids, and about her mom," he said quietly. "Being a single parent is no easy task... My mother had the help of her family to raise me and my brothers, when my father left. If she hadn't had that... I really don't know how she might have managed." She had always taught her boys the importance of community and gratitude. These were lessons that would never leave him, as long as he lived.

Joe had a sip of his coffee and gave Dimi a short look. It rather surprised him, how easy it was to talk to him. He tried not to talk too much about himself –but when the other man asked questions, and when he told him details of his own life, the words just seemed to pour out freely. "Cardinal Hill's no heaven on Earth, but there's definitely a reason we set roots here. We saw a lot of places –none were as welcoming and warm as this one. It just, you know, it seemed like the best place to build a home." He shot him a small smile. "Hope you and your kid can get used to calling it home, too."

[longagoitwastuesday]

I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn

[avirael]

The Frozen Lake

It was the third day since he had stopped feeling like dying.

About a week ago he had woken up from his far too lifelike fever dream and a few days later the last spikes of the fever itself had been gone too just like the hallucinations it had brought in his sleep.

He still had been sick though and welcomed Rael telling him to stay in bed until he was perfectly healthy again all too eagerly.

While he still sneezed every now and then, it was at least tolerable now, still annoying but he didn’t feel incredibly uncomfortable anymore.

That day, just like the last and also the ones before that, he had awoken late. Against Rael’s order to stay in bed he had found the courage to get up and take a look out of the window. It was a sunny day, which in Coerthas still meant that it was bitterly cold though. But the sun was shining brightly and already high in the sky too which meant it had to be almost midday. He had slept way too long again, way to many hours for a surprisingly dreamless sleep. Or maybe it was exactly the lack of dreams that allowed him to finally rest, after all in the past there rarely had been good ones…

For a moment he considered to go downstairs and ask for a late breakfast if that wasn’t too insolent given the late hour but then a knock sounded from the door.

Quickly he hurried back to bed, just in case it was Rael, but the person who carefully peeked into the room a few seconds later wasn’t a viera.

“Ah, you are awake! That’s good!”, Haurchefant exclaimed happily and brought a small tray with hot soup and also something warm to drink. “It is so late already, you must be horribly hungry. Alphinaud checked in on you earlier but you were still fast asleep and he didn’t have the heart to wake you.”

A little uncertain on how to answer to that, A’viloh just nodded. Haurchefant grinned, put down a mug on the bedside table and handed A‘viloh a comfortingly warm bowl filled with some rather delicious smelling stew.

Instead of fetching the chair from the small desk by the window, Haurchefant sat down at the lower end of the bed balancing the tray with his own lunch on his knees. Rael once told him that ishgardian society had an absurd amount of strict and antiquated rules and so A’viloh couldn’t help but wonder, that although it seemed like a very appropriate distance to him, in Haurchefant’s hometown the fact alone that he dared to sit on someone else’s bed was probably scandalous.

“I hope you don’t mind me having lunch with you.”, the Elezen asked as he noticed A‘viloh staring.

Quickly the Miqo’te lowered his gaze to his bowl of soup. “Not at all.”, he muttered and tried a spoonful of the food just to change the topic. “Mhh, this is very good!”, he mumbled, still chewing, surprised by how good this really was compared to the bland food and bitter teas Rael had usually brought him these last few days. It must have been the Viera’s way of punishing him for running away.

Haurchefant laughed and then for a while they ate in silence.

“You look a lot healthier already.”, the Elezen stated after a while with an amiable smile on his face before taking a sip from his mug.

A‘viloh shrugged a little embarrassed, since it had been his own fault that he hadn’t been well in the first place. “Only because all of you took so good care of me.”

Haurchefant nodded. “You know, you had us all horribly worried right?”

“Sorry about that.”, he said and guitily looked into his mug.

Curiously Haurchefant eyed him for a moment. “Why did you do that anyway? Run out into the storm.”

A bit surprised A’viloh looked up. Had they all thought he had done this on purpose? “There wasn’t a storm when I left! What do I know about weather? I didn’t expect it to start snowing, let alone that much!”

That made the Elezen chuckle again but he still looked at him expecting an answer.

“Still… why did you leave?”

“I assumed Rael told you…”, A’viloh replied not sure what Haurchefant wanted to hear exactly. He nodded. “Rael did. But maybe I want to hear it from you…”

A’viloh sighed. His plan hadn’t been very smart and he felt a little uncomfortable having to explain his reasons to someone else, when in retrospect it didn’t make much sense even to his own ears.

“You know the��� circumstances under which we fled Ul’dah… I couldn’t… um… the fact that we didn’t even know what happened to our friends… I wanted to find out, because it doesn’t seem fair to me that we escaped while all of them didn’t…”

“Mhh…”, Haurchefant nodded thoughtfully but let go off the topic for now. Instead he asked, „And how are you feeling today?”

Somehow that question confused A’viloh even more.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s a simple question, isn’t it?”, he said still smiling politely.

Of course it was a simple question. Just the answer felt unreasonable complicated to him. To make things even more difficult people who asked such a question usually wanted to hear “I‘m fine, and you?” or “Very good, thank you.” for an answer and rarely the truth. They certainly didn’t want to hear “A few days ago I was convinced I was going to die and honestly it wasn’t that bad, so now I‘m still not sure wether I am happy to still be alive or not”.

“Alright… I guess.”, he mumbled instead. He had never been a good liar and could only hope that this fact wasn’t too obvious for the Elezen.

“You know what?”, Haurchefant proclaimed after watching him thoughtfully for a second. “Today is a wonderful day. We should go for a walk.”

“A walk?!”, A’viloh exclaimed wide-eyed, as if he had just asked something unreasonable of him.

“Why not?”

A’viloh couldn’t think of a good reason why not, other than that he was supposed to stay in bed, so he shrugged.

“Where’s Rael?”, he asked instead.

Haurchefant smirked. “Do you need Rael’s permission to go outside?”

“Of course not.”, the Miqo’te protested. “But Rael will be mad if I run off again, especially against their orders to stay in bed.”

“Rael and Alphinaud went to the observatory earlier.”, Haurchefant explained. “We’ll be back before they are, I promise.”

What was A’viloh supposed to say against that and also against the expectant look on the Elezen’s face. He took another glimpse towards the window and decided that it looked nice enough to go outside.

“Fine.”

“Good!”, Haurchefant exclaimed happily and collected their empty bowls and mugs. “There should be warm clothes for you in the wardrobe. If you need anything else just ask someone. I’ll wait for you by the northern gate.”

After Haurchefant had left, A’viloh remained sitting in his bed for a moment longer contemplating on the Elezen’s question. Yes, he felt better again. But better in what comparison? Better than a few days ago when he had felt and also been half-dead? Though he didn’t feel sick anymore now, there still was a weigh on his heart. From his plan that had failed so spectacularly and even more so from the dreams he wouldn’t have minded to keep on dreaming forever.

Vehemently he shook his head and decided not to think about that now or he would just crawl back under the blanket of his comfortably warm bed again. Instead he got up and took a look into the wardrobe. Almost none of these were his own clothes of course since all he possessed were the ones he had worn on his body that day they fled Ul’dah. Very unsuitable for this climate. But neither did he see the borrowed clothes he had worn that night when he had tried to run away. Everything in here looked even softer and warmer like someone had wanted to make sure he was feeling comfortable. To his surprise the things didn’t look that much too big for him either, unlike his last set of clothes. Besides a few Hyur most people here at Camp Dragonhead were grown up Elezen but these clothes looked like they belonged to neither. Maybe it were clothes for Elezen children, he wondered and also thought that in that case someone must have brought them here just for him.

Grateful for so much effort he picked a few pieces and got dressed. Lazily he ran his fingers through his hair to get rid of the worst knots but the look into the small mirror at the washbasin, where his tired face stared back at him reproachfully, just made him sigh. Once he was ready he took the warm coat out of the wardrobe too and went out to look for Haurchefant. Just as he had said, the Elezen was standing by the gate that led to the north-east, towards the ruins of the Steel Vigil.

From afar Haurchefant already recognised the Miqo’te, his bright red hair a singularity among all the people living here. Pleasantly smiling as always he waved at him and A’viloh couldn’t help but smile a little too and wave back as he hurriedly walked towards him.

“There you are! I see the clothes fit you nicely.”

A’viloh nodded.

“They do. Thank you very much for these.”

Haurchefant dismissively waved with one hand. “It’s the least I could do…”

But he had done a lot more than that, A’viloh thought. “I think there’s more I need to thank you for. Rael told me it was you who saved my life.”

“Mhhh…”, Haurchefant tilted his head as if he wasn’t sure if this statement was entirely the truth. “Rael is too humble. They played a bit of a role in that too. After all it was Rael who noticed you were gone. And it was also Rael who didn’t leave your bedside and tried their best to heal you.”

A’viloh remembered waking up and finding the usually quite touch-averse viera cuddled up to him with a look on their face so horribly sad like he had never seen on them before. Rael had pretended it was nothing but it had been a very unconvincing performance. Asked about it Alphinaud had only offered a few sentences about how worried Rael had looked and how they had used all kinds of spells he himself had never seen or heard of before, all of it to try and save him. It had made him feel even more guilty for his stupidity.

So maybe Haurchefant was right. But still it had been him who had risked going out into the storm to find him.

“Anyway. I still want to thank you! Honestly.”, he insisted. But how honestly was it really?

Sure, he was glad to still be alive. After all his plan hadn’t been to run out into a blizzard and freeze to death, although some of them seemed to think that was the case. But once he found himself in this situation he had to admit that he had welcomed his fate rather willingly. A fact that shocked even himself a little looking back at it now.

“You’re welcome. After all you wouldn’t be any help to your friends frozen to death out there.”, Haurchefant joked with a wry smile on his lips.

“I guess not...”, A’viloh muttered, the topic of his friends making his mood visibly sink again.

Of course the Elezen noticed and his smile turned into a playful grin. “But I acted a little selfish too, you know? I think Camp Dragonhead is a lot friendlier with your company and I would like to have you and your pretty smile around a little longer.”

For a moment A’viloh’s eyes shot up to look at the others face before he quickly pretended that something somewhere a little bit to his left was a lot more interesting. Sometimes Haurchefant randomly said things, A’viloh hadn’t had the slightest idea how to react to. Not because he was that oblivious but simply because it puzzled him. Nonetheless the air suddenly didn’t feel that cold anymore on his face.

Haurchefant was always very kind to him. Well, he mostly was kind to everybody but sometimes he seemed to admire him especially. Him of all people, although there was nothing special about him. Haurchefant sometimes spoke of him like he was one of the greatest heroes of all time and it felt so ridiculous to him. He was just silly, cowardly A‘viloh! What had he ever achieved in his miserable life to justify such admiration? The people called him a Warrior of Light but wasn’t that some grand overstatement? Some days he thought all of this had been a horrible mistake. A great misunderstanding! Then he wondered how he had ever gotten entangled in this madness in the first place and also if he ever would get out of it again. But what else should he do with his life anyway...

While A’viloh’s brain still screeched in desperate search for a proper response, Haurchefant seemed to realise he had flustered him and glossed it over by gesturing to the gate.

“How about we walk a few yalms? There’s something you need to see!”

Still too dumbstruck to speak or to even wonder what the Elezen was talking about, A’viloh nodded and then proceeded to follow him out into the snowy landscape.

After a few minutes Haurchefant paused and took a deep breath. “Isn’t the air wonderful today?”

A’viloh followed his example, breathed deeply and let his gaze wander over the snow covered landscape with a few pines here and there and the mountains and ruins of the Steel Vigil in the distance. The air was cool and fresh, still cold enough that the warm sun couldn’t melt the snow. Instead the rays of sunshine made the scenery shine and sparkle as if everything was covered not in ice but in millions over millions of tiny diamonds.

“It is.”, he answered and smiled, surprised how beautiful this inhospitable landscape could be, before with a sudden spark of curiosity he finally asked. “Where are we going?”

“It’s not far anymore.”, Haurchefant said with a grin on his face and pointed into another direction. Shortly after and only a bit further ahead they reached a small lake.

As they got closer A‘viloh noticed that it not only was covered in a layer of snow and ice but also that quite a few off-duty soldiers, given the proximity to the camp he assumed they had to be, were standing right on top of the frozen lake. No, they were not quite standing. It looked more like they were dancing or flying maybe. More or less gracefully they moved over the lake‘s surface in fluid swift strides, some just moving in wide circles and other swirling around this way or that. A’viloh had never seen something like this and it looked strange and impossible but at the same time very beautiful to him.

The two of them had almost reached the lake by then, A’viloh a few steps ahead to get a better look at the wondrous people on the ice and he already wanted to ask how they did that, when his attention was drawn elsewhere by a curious squawking sound.

“Oh! Look at them!”, the Miqo’te exclaimed, his fascinated smile still turning a little brighter, as he gestured to a small flock of wild geese resting at the shore of the lake. With ruffled feathers they sat closely huddled together at the edge of the ice and suddenly A‘viloh couldn’t help but worry about them. They looked so unbothered by his presence, sleeping through the day and all the hubbub around them, looking all exhausted and frozen with their puffed up feathers. Like anything could happen to them and they wouldn’t even mind.

Strangely he wondered what he himself had looked like when Haurchefant had found him unconscious in the snow. He must have been a pitiful sight. Had the Elezen thought him beyond saving too, just like he himself had. What if he had found him a little later or not at all? Maybe that would have been better, a voice murmured to him just like it had so many times before and for a moment, tempted by the grief heavy on his heart once again, he almost believed it.

But no, he would be dead then and while he would have liked to imagine that this would mean he could be with his loved ones again, it was not exactly what either of the tribes he had lived with believed.

Vaguely he remembered his father working for hours, digging a grave at what used to be Wellwick Wood. An elderly woman too exhausted by their long journey, his grandmother if he remembered correctly, had died shortly after they had arrived there. With a sad smile on his face his father had explained to his children, who had stared down into the hole in the ground with confusion in their eyes, how by returning her body to the earth there could still grow new life from this death.

Or the drake tribe of the Sagolii Desert, who always burned their dead and left the ashes to be carried away by the desert wind, believing that it would make it easier for the deceased‘s aether to return to the Aetheric Sea and create something new elsewhere.

With a sudden sharp pain in his heart A’viloh realised that neither of the people he loved had gotten the burial they would have wanted for themselves. And neither had A‘viloh himself wanted to die in the coldness of Coerthas and be forever forgotten under a thick layer of snow and ice. He had thought about dying before but never had he been this close to it. For a second he wondered if this was something worth speaking to Rael about, but he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t misunderstand and get mad at him again.

“Why do you make such a sad face now?”, Haurchefant asked having noticed the smile slip from the Miqo’te’s face. But A’viloh just vehemently shook his head and focused on the geese again.

“They must be horribly cold.”, he wondered in a voice that suggested he already planned to take all of them to the safety of his comfortably warm room.

Haurchefant chuckled. “Don’t worry, they survived the storm out here after all. They keep each other warm, that’s why you‘ll rarely see one of them alone. A bit like you and your friends.”

“Maybe…”, A’viloh answered thinking about this comparison for a moment. “I just wish it wouldn’t always be me who needs to be taken care of. But as proven in Ul’dah and now once again I am simply too weak and useless to keep myself alive, not to mention anyone else.”

The Elezen’s face got a little stern as he folded his arms in front of his chest. “Don’t say that, I am sure it’s not true! This was just bad luck! You are neither weak nor useless!”

A’viloh shrugged. “But that’s how I feel right now...”

Slowly Haurchefant nodded before speaking again with a silent but determined voice. “Listen. I‘ll never forget how bravely you fought for Francel although you barely knew him. You could have gotten yourself in trouble with that and you helped him anyway.”

“It’s not like I did that on my own -”, A’viloh tried to protest but was immediately interrupted. “But you still helped! And I’m sure even without Rael you would have done so!”

Another shrug was all Haurchefant got in response, so the Elezen thought for a second before making an offer. “You want to make yourself useful, right? Get stronger? I could teach you how to fight like a real ishgardian knight, with sword and shield. Or we have some dragoons at Camp Dragonhead too! I’m sure there’s a lot you could learn from them.”

A‘viloh‘s face turned to disbelief. “I really don’t think I could fight with armor and weapons this heavy…”

“You can’t say so if you don’t try! And I have you know that dragoon armors are surprisingly light. How do you think they could still be this agile otherwise? Promise me to at least try training with them a little!”

He didn’t really want to agree to that. He knew he would make a fool of himself. But how could he say no with Haurchefant trying everything in his power to cheer him up. Weakly he shook his head and muttered: “Fine…”

“Perfect!”, Haurchefant exclaimed with a bright smile on his face. “I think an early reward for your efforts is appropriate then!”

Confused A’viloh watched him take a small bag off of his shoulders, which he hadn’t even noticed until now. For a moment the Elezen was busy undoing a knot before he opened the bag and presented to A‘viloh a set of two weirdly shaped blades attached to pieces of wood with leather straps. He had no idea what these constructs were meant to do and that was plainly visible on his face. “What’s that?”

“Ice skates of course!”, Haurchefant said as if that would explain it all but the Miqo’te‘s face remained clueless, so Haurchefant gestured to the lake behind them. “You attach them to your boots so you can walk on the ice like this!”

“Oh!”, A’viloh exclaimed as he understood what Haurchefant was planning. “I don’t think-… I mean I‘ve never-… You don’t really want me to step on that lake do you?” The idea somehow scared him.

“Why not?”, Haurchefant asked for the second time today with this smile that made the question sound like a challenge.

“It’s just a bit of ice!”, A‘vi objected. “What if it breaks?”

The Elezen shook his head and proceeded to fasten the metal blades beneath his boots. “Ah, don’t worry. The ice is thick enough, it will take at least a few more days to melt.”

“I don’t know…”, was all A’viloh replied as Haurchefant pressed another pair of skates into his hands. But the Elezen remained determined and took a few wobbly steps through the snow and onto the ice. “See! I can stand on it and it doesn’t break! You are a lot lighter than me, so why wouldn’t you be able to?”

Oh, you don’t know my bad luck!, A‘viloh thought but Haurchefant didn’t look like he would take that for an excuse. Instead he stretched out a hand towards the Miqo’te. “Come one! Believe me, this is going to be funny!”

For a second A‘viloh pondered his options. The idea of nothing but a little bit of ice between him and the water still terrified him but Haurchefant seemed so excited about this and the other people actually seemed to have fun too. Maybe he should at least pretend to try... Reluctantly he sat down on a rock and tried to put on the skates just like Haurchefant had done a moment ago.

“The clasp on the back too. Make sure none of them are loose… Yes, that looks fine!”, Haurchefant helpfully explained. As A’viloh got up, he almost flopped right back down into the snow. It was a weird feeling to balance his whole weight on only two thin pieces of metal. As he carefully took the first few steps towards the lake Haurchefant reached out for him once more. “Here! Take my hand! I don’t want you to fall…”

Hesitantly A‘vi stepped onto the ice and immediately felt like the ground was being pulled away beneath his feet. He struggled for balance, feeling himself falling backwards, so Haurchefants arm was a very welcome thing to hold on to.

With a chuckle the Elezen tried to loosen A‘vi‘s desperate grip on his arm and instead took each of his hand in one of his own before carefully making slow steps backwards pulling A‘viloh over the ice, which A’vi could swear was making suspicious crackling sounds below them. There was no way to tell the blades beneath his feet not to move, so all A’viloh could do was try not to fall and plead to Haurchefant with ears flat on his head and panic in his eyes, as he slowly was pulled further onto the lake. “No, no, no. Take me back, that’s a horrible idea!”

“Calm down. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I promise.”, Haurchefant said soothingly and continued to explain to him how to move on the ice skates. And in fact the Elezen’s calm voice slowly made A’viloh feel less anxious. His hands, frantically clasping at Haurchefant’s, relaxed along with his legs. It was still a weird feeling to be standing on the ice but now it felt a lot easier to remain balanced. He glanced at the people around them while remaining as still as possible, studied their movements for a moment and then tentatively tried to mimic the way they slowly pushed their feet above the slippery surface. To his surprise he really moved forward without much effort and also without feeling the sensation of falling again, closer to Haurchefant who had steadied him with his outstretched arms so far.

“See! It’s not that difficult.”, he said while making another step backwards so A’viloh had to follow with another step forward. The Miqo’te, strangely excited about the fact that he was actually moving on these weird ice-blades, laughed happily. “You are even going backwards!”

Haurchefants laughed. “One step after the other. Let’s teach you how to go forward first, hm? I‘ll let go off one of your hands but don’t worry, I still got you. One feet after the other just like you did before…”

In fact it almost felt easier now that he could use one of his arms to balance himself. Very slowly at first they floated above the icy surface of the lake but soon A‘viloh got braver. Once he almost lost his balance but for a comparably tall and strong person like Haurchefant it seemed like a very easy task to keep a small Miqo’te on his feet. Almost falling had felt like a shock for a second but only moments later they were laughing about it and in the end A’viloh was surprised and also a little proud how quickly he had learned and how much fun this was.

He wasn’t sure how much time they spent there on the frozen lake but at some point a bell sounded from the nearby Camp. Startled A’viloh looked up (and almost lost his balance again). “How late is it? I’m sure you have more important things to do than this! I’m sorry if I’m keeping you from doing your work.”

But Haurchefant just laughed and teased, “What could be more important than prove to you that not all of Coerthas is a deadly wasteland trying to kill you? But I think we really should return soon. I don’t want you to get cold again and after all we also don’t want Rael to find out about this little excursion, do we?”

For a second A’viloh wished the viera could see him now and wondered what their reaction would be like. The thought made him chuckle.

And as they floated, one last circle around the lake, A’viloh couldn’t help but wonder that maybe it was happy moments like this. The reason he was still here. Moments that made his life worth living.

---

inspired by the poem The Reversal by Leila Chatti