#I can't stress enough that it's a me problem
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Ok, I guess I gotta talk about that one scene in Dragon Age: The Veilguard eventually because I've heard about discourse regarding it and it's driving me up a wall with how some of the criticism ignores key context from the rest of the story that informs how it's written. Spoilers for Taash's storyline follow below the cut.
So I mainly have seen this referenced on TV Tropes because I am not on the hellscape that is Twitter, but people, it seems, have been criticizing the scene where Taash comes out as nonbinary to their mom for how they get pissed at how their mom takes it. Often this is used to frame Taash as being unreasonable as their mom is struggling to understand what that means.
And I feel like that criticism kind of misses a big part of what that scene is actually about. Because Taash's relationship with their mom is complicated. This is something that their storyline stresses repeatedly. Taash has fond memories of growing up with their mom and knows that she basically gave up her whole culture to ensure that Taash wouldn't be forced into a soldier's life. It's clear that their mom is still very attached to Qunari culture and she outright expresses a couple times that she feels like being a Qunari scholar equipped her extremely poorly to actually raise a child. That checks out - under the Qun, that would be someone else's job entirely.
So this informs a lot of Taash's relationship with her - Taash recognizes that she gave up a very privileged position with the Qunari for their sake. Because she wanted a better life for them than what they'd get there. That's a huge sacrifice.
However, you watch how they interact, you can see that Taash's mom is also very critical of them and very controlling. She doesn't care much for Taash's privacy, tries to make a lot of their decisions for them without putting a lot of thought into what they actually want, and she is extremely critical of them sometimes about things that don't really matter.
So we get to that scene late in their storyline - the Lighthouse dinner. I think the critical mistake a lot of people make when looking at this scene is thinking that it's about how she reacts to Taash's gender identity.
Which that informs it, sure, but there's more to it. When Taash yells that nothing they do is good enough for their mom, it's not a reaction to how she responds to their identity, it's a reaction to the way their whole relationship has been built up throughout the game. It's the straw that broke the camel's back. And it's true to Taash's character.
One of the things that I like about Taash is that they're someone who likes a straightforward, direct solution to most problems. Thing in your way? Break it. Big scary monster? Kill it. They like to be able to take the most simple, direct path through a problem, preferably one that involves slaying a big monster, and Veilguard constantly puts them in situations where that isn't an option. And in those situations, they struggle a lot. Taash struggles to get along with Emmerich because that involves overcoming internalized prejudices (and understandable ones too - necromancy is something that would probably make a lot of people uncomfortable irl and for a culture where cremation is the norm and undead can be a legit issue, that would go, like, quadruple - of course they're uncomfortable with Emmerich). That's not an easy thing to do because it involves a lot of introspection and interrupting thoughts that you've been trained to think. Taash questions their gender identity. Definitely no easy, straightforward way to solve that. They angst a lot over being afraid they're broken somehow for feeling these things. A fraught, complicated relationship with a parent who sacrificed everything so that you would have a better life, but can't seem to bring herself to let you actually live it the way you want? Can't hit that with an axe.
And ultimately, that's what's happening in this scene - the whole game, we've seen Taash struggle with this really complex, nuanced relationship, this mother who clearly loves them and wants the best life possible for them, but struggles to understand what their child really needs and often says or does things that are hurtful. In this scene, this bubbling, brewing resentment, definitely exacerbated by Taash being outside their mom's orbit and with a team that has more faith in their skills and abilities, finally comes to a head.
The scene is only about Taash's identity on the most surface of levels. Yeah, that's what sparks the argument, but it's not what the argument is about.
#Dragon Age#The Veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard#Dragon Age The Veilguard#dragon age taash#taash#da veilguard#da spoilers#da taash#veilguard spoilers#da:tv#da:tv spoilers#da: the veilguard#Veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers
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What if Elsa and Anna’s parents survived their trip to Ahtohallan and back?
The thing is, there were answers in Ahtohallan, but they weren't very actionable or useful for your average person.
Elsa gets something out of it because she dies, turns into snowflakes, and is resurrected as the fifth element. The movie tells me this is the same Elsa we know and love but, well, we'll never know.
For Elsa's parents--they might find out Elsa's the fifth element, but probably not as the guardian horsey isn't going to let them get that close. The other part about shafting the natives that Anna and Elsa found out as the story progressed, well, they probably already have some idea/I can't imagine either of them are naive enough to really believe it was all a terrible tragedy given what happened.
And ultimately, the problem Elsa was having wasn't something that could be solved by the Ahtohallan trip in and of itself. Elsa had to learn not to fear herself, which up until this point everything her parents had done to try and help her had only made things worse.
Which means no matter what they find out, we're right back where we started at Frozen 1. Anna and Elsa have a strained and distant relationship that Anna is extremely frustrated about, but their parents are young and Elsa is highly unlikely to be coronated anytime soon. As a result, the gates are still not open for coronation day and there's no impetus to change (in fact, there might be less, as Elsa's parents are going "fuuuuuuuuuuck" upon coming back and not having an answer to Elsa's problems).
Where things get... interesting... is down the line.
Now, the couple has two daughters. On the one hand, Elsa has been preparing to be queen her entire life, she has sacrificed so much to do so. She's very intelligent, pragmatic, and capable of being queen. But, her powers are out of control with no solution in sight. Sooner or later, she's going to slip, and they can't lock up the fucking country forever.
However, the second daughter, has not been trained for being queen at all and is... Anna. I'm sure her parents love her, they seem to from what we see of them, but Anna, especially as of Frozen 1, does not walk around with the comportment of a queen. Anna's a charming but clumsy goof who is also, at that point in time, swayed by romance and fantasy. Anna wants an adventure, a grand romance, that she might get as a princess who could be married off to a foreign kingdom.... but not as a crown princess/heir apparent.
Not to mention Anna has given 0 indications she wants to be queen, at all, and Elsa really really really does want to live up to expectations.
THOSE POWERS THOUGH.
I imagine there's much debate of "do we send Elsa up north to the wilderness where she can make as many snow things as she likes and cover it up somehow? or do we keep her here and hope for the best despite it just getting worse :/"
And Anna, I imagine, is losing her patience. She's getting close to marrying age, she can get out of this fucking kingdom. She wants to meet handsome princes and LEEEEAAAAAAAVEEEEEEE. This is bad because a) it means no backup for Elsa b) Anna you haven't even met these fucking princes.
But Anna also can't be shut up forever and she really should leave and get married, you know, eventually.
So one of a few things happen:
Under Immense Stress, Elsa Causes Eternal Winter
Sooner or later, probably when some public appearance is mandated with no wiggle room, Elsa fucks up as she did in canon. Maybe Anna is insisting she's going to run off with Hot Prince Hans who is so Hot and Of the Souther Isles, but the way things were going--the pressure was unbearable, and she was near her breaking point.
At this point, we pretty much get Frozen as Anna (probably the catalyst) goes after her sister to find out "what the fuck?!" and is also going after her sister to prove a point to her parents "WHO LIED?! THIS WHOLE TIME?!"
Hans may or may not be involved, but if he is, then he has a lot more royalty to go through this time so is probably not scheming to murder absolutely everyone and "I AM SUDDENLY KING!"
Not quite the same situation as when the king and queen were recently dead, the country in a panic over whether Elsa could handle it, then Elsa's suddenly a fucking witch and oooooof Anna's queen... and she just ran off to the mountains...
Anna of the Souther Isles
Anna gets set up with a match just as she wants and ships off to somewhere warm without any fear of being shut out. Problem is, Anna has no idea who these people are or what she's getting into and it will likely be a fucking mess. Except she's also married to a man she doesn't really know and there's now no easy way out.
"hooraaaaaay" - Anna
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#another thing that drives me crazy us that some parts of fandom made ut hard for ne to enjoy things I like#for example when series 2 only came out I was invested into all edits with sad songs#about how Aziraphale loves angel!Crowley and demon!Crowley suffers#and than you came into tegs and apparently some people will argue that it's canon and not angsty au#*tags#and now it leaves bad taste in my mouth#or like. brainwashed Aziraphale ir Aziraphale that scared and under treat can be tasty concepts#while it's treated as 'what if' and not as 'it's clearly canon and we will build all our understanding of his character on it'#or Aziraphale's black and white thinking or him still believing that angels are (should be) inherently good and heavens are better than hel#I think it is canon! it did played it's part in final fifteen! but I can't say it because I think it's neutral or even lovable part of#Aziraphale as character (sure real life person would be insufferable with thanking like this. but also I would kill someone real who drives#like Crowley! who cares!) and you can't put it in tags without treating this either as flaw he will and *should* overcome#or proof of him being bad/stupid/abusive#like I don't care!! I want to say 'look at him my baby thinks he's the smartest and most holy being in this room' and boop his little nose#I can't even enjoy angsty headcanons about Crowley being miserable without Aziraphale#because one they treat this as being Aziraphale's fault and two it's again treated as canon#like I can take only so much fucs where Crowley lays face down into pool of his tears thinking that he's the poores lost puppy ever being#while not giving two fucks about Aziraphale being in danger him own being asshole to him in final fifteen and oh yes SECOND COMING AROUND#anyway yes I'm a weak link and should be eliminated yes yes#yrs I block and try to not engage and after some weeks I tentatively ready to enjoy *some* of this things again#but yes I still want to complain!!#no people doesn't do anything wrong bu engaging with canon the way they find enjoyable#I can't stress enough that it's a me problem#but of course my hatred turned onto imaginary enemy
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Before I go to sleep I leave you all with this piece of advice: sometimes you don't actually have to answer big political questions, sometimes you can just say "I am not smart enough to know that, I just know the small things I do to help." Like you can often times completely avoid making a fool of yourself if you just say you don't know.
#simon says#to explain here and not in a reblog:#sometimes when you try to explain big picture solutions you're gonna sound dumb#you might not have done enough research#you might not have a rebuttal to a counter argument#you might not be articulate enough to explain why you think this#sometimes you gotta take a step back and give the simple solution. the one man solution#you do what you can to fight against the problem#you talk to people to help spread awareness and how to fight the bad problem#and you vote and invite others to vote for bigger steps towards solving the problem#like you can talk about theory and how you believe we need to do a huge drastic thing to solve and issue#but people will disagree and argue til you're blue in the face#they'll poke and prod until you mess up or lose your temper and use it against you#and you'll feel dumb and they'll learn nothing#sometimes the best thing to do is step away from the big picture and just say 'idk what the solution is I just know the things I can do“#sometimes you gotta admit you're not a scientist/expert and you can't answer that#i used this while talking with my Dad tonight#he brought up our climate crisis and space travel as a possible solution#and I said I think that's just addressing the symptom and not the cause and we need to care for our Earth now#and he asked me what solutions I think would fix it#and knowing my incredibly smart Dad who is articulate and ready to throw rebuttles at a moments notice to play devils advocate#and my past experience in struggling in this topic with him before#i just told him I didn't know. all i knew is the little things I can and do do to help#and that hopefully by spreading the word and habits and encouraging others to vote for those bigger solutions I could help make a change#but all I really could do is the little things I have control over#and the topic became much less stressful about the little things we have control over#like planting native plants and recycling and adopting habits that are healthier to our planet#which was 100% more preferable to if I tried to give a big solution. because I would reveal i didn't have all the knowledge needed to argue#and my articulation would make me sound like a stupid kid who only thinks they know what's best#so yeah I basically suggest that if you dont wanna feel like shit after debating someone just step away from the big picture for a moment
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“cute barista remembers MC’s order” this and “black coffee vs eleven pumps of syrup person” that. no. tired. where are my “bonding bc an absolutely insane convo is happening at the table between us” coffee shop aus
#brought to you by overhearing someone mention their road rage problems at a coffee shop#and then them clarifying the road rage involves a gun#i can't stress enough this was from a tiny white lady sldkghjdfk#also the guy who came and told me he was a reincarnated egyptian god#also also the group of like five people that came in and started counting Multiple Giant Stacks of Cash on the table#no one is doing it like coffee shops#fanfiction#coffee shop au#writing
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i need a new strategy for like, cleaning my room and doing yoga and reading and leaving the house. the adhd has reached mythic levels of bad. i have the thought, "i should do X," and then i won't move. i make a to-do list and i won't do anything on it. i queue up a yoga practice and i won't do it. i stare at my room and get stressed out about how cluttered it is. i write 3000 words of notes for a fic i don't even know if i'm going to write. i think and i think and i think about my OCs and they won't let me write them. i spend hours looking at stuff i can't buy. i take like an hour to write this.
#rum.txt#i have to do something about my phone...........#i might be able to uninstall tumblr#i can't uninstall twitter because the stupid fucking thing turns off notifications when you do#so i wouldn't be able to catch up on the accs i have notifs on for#(a very small list of forcebook- and kaibaek-related accs)#i can't uninstall instagram because of forcebook again lol#i also use it for recipes sigh#but i might start just... leaving it in my room when i get up and see how that goes#i'd also have to try to not look at my phone first thing in the morning#i also have to start actually getting up in the morning#i think that's the main thing#ok maybe when i take my medication in the evening i start getting ready for bed#it'll take long enough that it'll probably still be late but reasonable late#and not like. almost 3 am like now#one of the problems with my room right now is that i have a lot of STUFF#and i'm afraid of getting rid of the STUFF#because the last time i got rid of a bunch of STUFF#(mostly clothes)#i totally regretted most of it and i'm still like ah shit i don't have that anymore? :(#but also i have a big bed that i just want OUT of there#and a huge wardrobe that unfortunately holds a lot of the STUFF#so i don't know where all the STUFF would go#and every job i apply to sucks#and every job i actually want is TERRIFYING in both its unattainability and the miniscule possibility of its improbable successful executio#so i'm like stressed out about a thing that hasn't happened to make something that hasn't happened that i'm also stressed out about#every possible scenario whether i want it or not feels like it could lead to a meltdown because everything is so god damn hard right now#AND I FEEL SO!!!!!! SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and the worst part is that i know all this is because my stupid fucking period is coming up#but just because my hormones are making me feel overwhelmed and melodramatic about everything doesn't make anything i've said untrue
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it's day two and one of my classes is already giving me anxiety attacks BUT there's so many people in my class that are in the same major as me so hopefully it'll be fine??
#also trying to be more proactive about emailing professors when i'm having trouble bc i really can't drop out of this class#screenwriting is lovely but i really do hate doing literally every other job in a production#like i'm not interested in it so i don't care so i'm bad at it#and then i get freaked out bc i'm bad at it#look i can make a banger script for my skill level okay#like when it comes to my screenwriting i can give an a-worthy script no problem#but that's what i'm studying. professor banging on about how if you just put enough effort in your short film final from this class could b#festival-wrothy like bro!!! no it will not!!! i fundamentally don't understand how to use a camera and trust me i've tried#they legitimately just don't make sense to me#like i get it in theory but then there's always 1 million things i somehow get wrong#and that's very stressful!!#anyways. i guess it's a good thing i only have three classes this semester#rambling
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"other countries have poor people but worse, don't speak usamerican" fuck you actually. Shiver in my freezing ass cockroach infested poisoned water mold ladened lead paint flaking ass apartment with me. "At least you're not the REAL poor or getting bombed or whatever" repeat what you said back slowly and then jump into the poisioned river down my street. Starve with me. Bitch.
#Big difference between us centricism and BEING A POOR PERSON AND TALKING ABOUT IT Jesus christ#You are a tar pit.#☠️#'Solidarity but for only if you're suffering in the right country in the correct way' go to hell.#'homeless and poor people in the US benefit from imperialism' in the abstract yes but also do you FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF#Are you fucking insane#If your big ideologal stance is really 'not being bombed is a privilege and it's even MORE of one if you're in a Bad Country'#we are past the point of no return.#Also I'm gonna say it but just because the us found a way to profit off of queer people and claims they won't hate crime them#Doesn't mean it's not more or less illegal to be queer here I can't. Stress enough. If you can't rent an apartment#or hold a job because you're queer. That's just a slow winter or summer death here. You know but you refuse to actually understand.#I don't need your compassion it doesn't matter to me that much. I have real problems to deal with.#But again. You're a fucking tar pit. Hope your soul never finds rest.
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New dad lore unlocked, what the fuck do you mean your friend knew Luca di Montezemolo so you did a test drive with a Ferrari once
#begging my dad to stop being so much cooler than me#me: I get into f1#dad: Have I ever told you about that time I drove a Ferrari on Circuito di Fiorano#f1#formula 1#ferrari#luca di montezemolo#I guess#my dad if I ever became religious: Have I told you about that time I met God#me at 21: maybe vroom vroom cars can bring me out of depression#my dad at (almost) 60: oh yes minor anectodote I met the guy Niki Lauda won two championship with#I can't stress enough how this is so fucking unreal my family does not come even close to the kind of money LdM makes#We are NOT the kind of people who would casually hang with a millionaire#Also I genuinely believe my dad's friend must have been sketchy to know LdM#I also feel like I can never read my two eye anymore like even the tag of an ao3 fic with Luca di Montezemolo#'Luca di Montezemolo/Niki Lauda' you mean my dad's friend's friend?????????#now I feel like I have a weird distant relationship with this guy#like I know I don't know him and maybe it's my problem that I think of old formula 1 people like that#but I sort of divorce mentally from the fact that old formula 1 grid are actual people they're like distant characters from a complex#mythology#and now I feel like if I was a paesant in ancient Greece and my dad just told me he partied with Dionysius once#does it make sense#rip LdM I don't feel comfortable watching your pictures from the 70s thinking slay twink anymore#I will miss saying you have American Next Top Model hips#do you think it's ethically correct to objectify some twink from the 70s if your dad met him#I know he is still alive now and he's old and stuff I don't care there ard two Luce di Montezemolo in my head one is the one still alive#and I don't give a fuck about him the other is still photogtaph from the 70s and gives me gender envy
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Physically, I'm already lying down.
Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.
#sonder speaks#personal#but also if I wasn't fine with this being read/reblogged without context I wouldn't have posted it here#this week has been exhausting#I feel like I need permission from someone to go crawl into a nest and cry#one of my budgies died a few days ago#but I was looking after other animals that normally have a more dedicated caretaker#which was hard enough to handle that I couldn't really mourn my budgie much#especially when I need to keep happy around the remaining one so he doesn't grieve or get lonely#and I had to do a few specific tasks that are really really hard on me because nobody was there to help#and I tried to help my sister with things but none of the things worked#and a plan our family is excited about started to hit roadblocks#and one member of the family had a meltdown that triggered trauma in others in the family and drove things downhill#the family members at the center of this meltdown normally help me with chores and animal care#I was looking forward to them being home so I could rest and recuperatr and mourn#and now the meltdown has followed them here and it's built on top of years of other meltdowns and everything is tense#and of course it's bringing up old traumas and expectations and fears for me too#and I end up as a 30 year old feeling like he has 16 year old problems again#my whole body is tense#I'm not tired enough to sleep#I almost feel like crying for my budgie and all my fears and the things I let mysrlf get excited for#the things that either won't happen at all or are tainted by this veil of persistent bitterness that followed them home to me#almost#but I fear the possibility that crying could make things worse in any capacity#and I've struggled to cry for years anyway#so I'm just trying to use therapy tools to quiet the spiraling thoughts#and making this post because it feels like journaling without the pitfalls I fall into while journaling or talking directly to a person#hoping I'll get enough sleep that I don't accidentally trigger a sleep-deprivation/stress seizure my meds can't stop#and tomorrow I have to get back to studying which is very hard for me but gets me closer to making money#I liked when things were mostly good and calm and just sucked on a passive level -- can I have that again?
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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I still can't get over those public worlds having people playing bouncer. Sagely teaching the next generation the importance of moderation and curating their social experiences n then it's like Noooooooooo not like thaaaaaat
#Not in a way that annoys ME!!!!#all of my objections are 'NOT like THAT'#like this is clearly effective. the load-in regions were full of shrill children.#I have no idea what the areas past the door prefab were like. but presumably children at least aping deeper voices#and like the gatecrashing toddlers ARE a problem#and the previous insular more intimate ways people socialized to keep kids out#were bad for public world type socializing! friends lists and private worlds and stuff#this WAS clearly a good balance between public (daycare) where it's on you to block kids continually#and high-octane interpersonal drama of maintaining private spaces#But I CAN'T with someone CARDING ME in and I cannot stress this enough VIRTUAL REALITY#GET FUCKEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD SORRYYYYYYYYYYYY
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#I think I fucked up my last bit of hope of ever being able to get my ass up and to not hurt the people I care about.#i have had some terrible brain months and while the grief and shame and guilt will always be there... there is also anger#anger that i am not strong enough. i feel so alien and it's difficult for me to stop overthinking and it's not fair for other people#but it's also not fair when it comes to myself. i know i have a fucked up self-image and that me having such a low opinion of myself#is causing a lot of problems too and i know that i expect others to be just as fucked up that they'd do the same things that they'd forgive#the way i do but that's not fair and maybe i should stop being greedy and accept what i do have#i started talking to my ex best friend again but i started pretending with her again and that's just not how i want to live my life#i know i am a overly emotional at the moment because i am getting my period but fuck man#life is fucking stressful at the moment. i am struggling to find a job and i can't pay rent and i am dependent on my parents again#and they want me to move in with them again but i can't... because this isn't home to me and i- fuck#i also started writing journal entries again which is pathetic but yeah idk
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flipflopping between 'this bio exam will go ok since i did zero studying for the first one and still passed' and 'i'm going to fail abysmally i need to give up on sleep, cancel my travel plans, and lock in until i know whole textbooks off by heart' so i'm stuck here with paralysing guilt and fear obviously
#the zero studying for the first exam was quite a time#the start of the downwards spiral that i'm still in tbh#and technically i've passed the whole module so ?? no need to even do this exam#it could go terribly and i'll be fine#but at the same time i know i could do better and i'm just. not doing it.#i genuinely have a problem idk if it's the confirmed autism or my adhd suspicions coming back to bite me#but i CANNOT focus#and it's kind of terrifying how little control i have over where my mind goes#i can't do anything to stop it drifting away from what i'm supposed to be taking in and idk why#is that adhd fr. or am i just stressed#it's 7pm and i've gone over one topic#not good enough . pathetic. failure material#idk how to fix it !!!!#<- medication.#most likely#but it's not like i can just try that out
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I don't have the authority or the seniority or any other -ority to vocally reproach people, and even if I did I'm not about that life, but I'm in the uncomfortable position of "I can't do some of My Shit if people don't do theirs first", and doing the others things slooowly only works so far. And oftentimes I'm sitting at my desk feeling like there's a guillotine hanging over me because I don't wanna get caught "slacking" and get in trouble. But I don't want to get other people in trouble either. Whack :|
#i cannot stress this enough i don't want to be Busy#the main problem is that time passes SUUUUPER slowly too when you have very little to do and since i don't really have the opportunity to#idk. fuck around on my phone if i finish early. i'm often left feeling with the desire to bash my head on my desk#why can't i fuck off early if i finished everything and there's nothing left for me to do. make it make sense. we live in a society#mytext#all this to say. it's 06:38 i woke up early as usual so that i could eat breakfast like any other issues-free human being#and i don'tttttttt want to go to work and i'm aware that i sound like an ass rn because. objectively. it's not a Problem considering what#some people go through etc i know i Know but. i still don't want to go arrrrrrgggghhhhh
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No, I'm not okay. Thanks for not asking.
#once again I am useless to everyone unless I'm a vessel for their stress#my own doesn't count and doesn't matter#and when you all use me up and leave me a husk you wonder why I'm not moving when you ask me for help#has anyone asked me recently if I'm okay? pshht#I'm the Support Person I'm always okay I never need anything#and if I do it's my fault for not supporting enough#ah well que cera cera#this is just who I am#I'm a vessel and nothing else#I've never been anything else and never will be#nobody gives a shit about me except in terms of what I can do for them news at 11#did you mean: my entire life thus far?#I'm sick of it#I'm sick of screaming and pleading for help into the cold uncaring void and getting 'so? I have my own problems#leave me alone if you're not going to help me'#fine. i'll leave you alone#I'll stop asking#I'll stop offering#I'll see how long it takes anyone to notice#they won't notice they never do#or rather they will as soon as I can't be the support person anymore#and then they'll get mad at me for not supporting them because I'm not an autonomous person#I'm an on call therapist#with no problems of my own#how dare I pretend to be anything else#I want one (1) person to ask me if I'm okay without having to be prompted to give a shit about my wellbeing#one person. once.#but it's always started with 'oh how are your parents'#'how's your sister'#everyone asks me if everyone BUT me is okay
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