#I can’t handle this level of emotional distress rn

[neon-danger]

Tell me I’m not the only one who hates awgs new look

[mimik-u]

“Fragments” Thoughts:

I already know this episode is going to give me psychic damage because it starts with Greg and Bismuth looking woefully at the damaged van before the camera pans out to Steven staring depressively from the porch.

ARGH, PEARL BLAMING STEVEN FLR THE WRECK. I MEAN, YEAH, IT WAS TECHNICALLY HIS FAULT, BUT ALSO, PEARL, HE IS OBVIOUSLY TRAUMATIZED AND IN NEED OF HELP??? LIKE????????????

This is the worst take from Pearl I’ve heard in a long ass time, lmao. (But okay, I actually don’t think it’s the take itself but the accusatory tone. It’s not what Steven needs rn.)

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Oh, God. Steven slows the Gems down so they can’t catch up to him. 😭😭

“So... what you’re saying is that you’re here for a REMATCH.” JEIDODJSJSJSSJSJSJS. JASPER, I LOVE YOU.

Oh, my go d. The background of the sky after Jasper and Steven leave the cave. That is absolutely gorgeous.

Jasper openly admitting that she channels her anger and power into her fists is honestly pretty emotionally vulnerable. It contextualizes all her fighting; she’s angry all the time.

Oh, noooooooo. Don’t take advice from Jasper, Steven. Idoesjjsdjjdns, she has the emotional processing skills of a spoon.

Steven immediately kissing the tree he just punched is so good. I love this boy.

JASPER ATTACKING THE GRASS AGAIN DJDIDIEODODODODDIIDDIDIDIDIDIDJDJ.

She’s literally just a big ass cat who lives in a cave. A Warrior Cat if you would.

Haha, I’ll see myself out.

“Quit helping the local ecosystem recover!” KWOEODDJNDJDJSJS

Jasper harshly throwing Steven to the ground takes me straight back to what we learned from “Growing Pains.” 😭 God, if this boy gets so much as a scraped knee anymore, I’ll be thinking about that episode in hindsight.

Jasper goading Steven into fighting... this is a dangerous game. All her opponents (who haven’t been fusions) have largely been weaker in her. This is her literally going up the equivalent of a powerful god. And when your modus operandi is to fight and fight and fight without caring who you hurt or if you get hurt, well, those are the only two logical consequences that remain.

“Lesson One: Stop smiling!” WJDIDIDIIDDIJDJD.

“But I’ve seen you smile?” EJEIXIDX, OH NO SHE FUCKING JUST KICKS HIM. Priyanka Maheswaran’s voice is just going to play in my head now every time Steven is roughly handled like Professor Oak telling me that there’s a time and place for riding my bike but now now.

OH, THE RISING SUN BACKGROUND. THE CREWNIVERSE IS POPPING OFF THIS EPISODE.

Training montage!!

GOD, JASPER’S JUST ENGAGING WITH HIM SO VIOLENTLY. I CAN’T.

DROPPING HUGE ASS ROCKS ON HIM.

JAJDJDJS, Jasper kicking him out of the cave during the night.

The boy builds himself a little lean-to!!!

OH, the slow-mo of Jasper using her Sonic power while Steven nyooms past her is so good.

ARGH, Steven’s been out here so long that he’s growing stubble. He’s genuinely just up and disappeared for days.

BUFF FUCKING STEVEN?????????????

JOCK S T EVNE?

I CAN’T COMPUTE

OH, MY GOD IT’S JUST BEEN THREE DAYS.

Jasper being low key proud of the little asshole she’s making, lmaoooooo

Steven kissing his muscles KEIDJSJSJS. “I didn’t teach you that.”

Ugh, omg, and even the thunderstorm backdrop is gorgeous. Wow.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find a good rock around here.” AWiekdidjdjejsjsijsj

The shot of Jasper’s hair blowing before she smirks a little to herself is really beautiful. 😭

Steven sustaining a direct blow to the head from Jasper’s helmet reminds me of that other time he sustained a direct blow to the head from Jasper’s helmet. 😭😭

Steven laughing maniacally as he gains the upper hand in battle is so distressing on, like, so many fucking levels 😭

“I’ve sent so many messages, but he hasn’t replied.” :((

“Steven! Where have you been?” / “We’ve looked everywhere for you.” It’s the cracks in both of their voices that undo me. 😭

I WAS SPOILED ON THE FACT THAT HE SHATTERED HER, BUT MY GOD, THE SIGHT OF HER SHARDS IN HIS PALM IS VISCERAL.

GO D.

“Jasper, I’m sorry... please, come back.”

JASPER FUCKING BOWING TO HIM

“MY DIAMOND.”

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FU

I’m unwell.

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[beautifulterriblequeen]

Rayla’s catalyst

Ethari is Rayla’s emotional catalyst. Once she visits him in the Silvergrove, she begins to suffer a lot of grief and guilt over Runaan, her failure on his mission, and getting ghosted like her parents were. And she also begins to admit her feelings for Callum. All because her soft dad is soft with her, and she hasn’t had anyone be truly soft with her since before she left home. The home where she lived happily with her two dads who loved each other very much and supported her in every way they knew how. The home where she may have felt like she lived on the fringe, but she definitely belonged in the Silvergrove.

Rayla never speaks to Callum of her guilt and grief over getting Runaan and the other assassins killed. But coming face to face with Ethari and realizing that it’s her fault that his husband perished shakes her up hard. Still, Ethari forgave her once he understood, because he loves her very much. Giving her his pendant to keep her safe was a sign of his love and understanding for her. And she knows what that pendant means to her dads. Which is why it also prompted her to consider her emotions for Callum. 

She’s seen how her dads are together--loyal, affectionate, soft, supportive, and balanced. Her parents are the same way, so Rayla understands what a healthy relationship looks like. Unfortunately for her, the object that reminds her of that powerful romantic bond also reminds her of her own failure, and she can’t separate the two.

this post is ridiculously long

There’s a lot of staring at this pendant, and it starts with Ethari. He’s been wearing it all this time, but he takes a moment to study it, to feel what it means to him--what it used to mean to him--and what he wants it to mean to Rayla.

It’s a symbol of his love and protection. And he offers it to her.

She bends down to accept it, but she already can’t look away. She was right there when Runaan had to crush his own pendant. That’s where her mind has gone. She sees her own failure in the middle of Ethari’s gift to her.

She studies the pendant, too. Feels its weight. Remembers all the times she saw Runaan and Ethari wearing these. She’s wearing the symbol of a love that’s lasted longer than the life it was tied to, a life she feels responsible for ending. This pendant is a tangle of emotions for her. But mostly love and guilt. She’s not really able to process that it’s meant to protect her yet.

Maybe Ethari picks up on that. He wants her to know what it means, in case she wasn’t aware. It seems they wore these pendants all the time, but Rayla may never have understood exactly what it meant to Ethari to give one of them to Runaan.

And he wants her to know what it means for him to give it to her, too. He just wants her to be safe. She’s come back to him, against all odds. And he doesn’t want her to be lost or hurt again, not if he can protect her.

This look kills me, though. She’s shook. She just got another layer of understanding on the pendant that Runaan had to destroy to keep her alive, even after she’d lied to him and endangered the whole team. Runaan knew what the cost of Rayla’s actions would be. It cost his pendant, and his life, and his team’s lives. And he paid it all, for her. Despite what she’d done. 

Ethari loved an elf who sacrificed everything for Rayla. And now she’s taking Ethari’s own pendant for her own mission. Will she sacrifice everything, too?

GODS, all the BIG FEELS

Rayla literally can’t handle it. Between all those feels and the ghost spell reasserting itself, she can’t look at Ethari. He’s not really Ethari without his big brown eyes, anyway. It’s a face of anonymity, of rejection. Of distance. And she doesn’t want to acknowledge that he ghosted her. Not after he just gave her such a precious gift, and mounts to speed her on her way.

Runaan was always focused on his mission no matter what, and Rayla retreats from her feels to try the same here. She can’t handle her feels, so she holds onto the one thing she can handle: getting Zym home. And that means looking ahead toward her journey, not behind at what she may never get to experience again.

But she carries her big messy feelings with her anyway, and she’s not dealing with them. The next day, she wears a distant, thoughtful, sad expression. She’s distracted, worried, introspective. Callum notices. He’s felt that way before.

Callum was raised to be more in touch with his feelings than Rayla seems to have been. Or at least, he’s far more willing to admit to them when he and Rayla have only known each other a short time. He trusts Rayla with his feels, but she clearly doesn’t trust him with hers, judging by her expression.

She snaps at him and rides ahead when he tries to prompt her to talk about how she feels. When he tries to tell her that he’ll accept however she’s feeling, because those feels are a part of who she is. She’s still processing, vulnerable, and struggling. She’s not ready yet.

They get through meeting Nyx, and that gives Rayla something to focus on for a while. But once she has some free time aboard the ambler, she finds herself staring sadly again at Ethari’s pendant. Her ears are droopy, too. She’s feeling vulnerable, but not in a good way.

I like this shot of the pendant in her hand. It mirrors Runaan’s grip on his own pendant right before he crushed it, but here Rayla is holding this one protectively, as if she’s afraid it’ll get damaged out in the world. It also foreshadows Callum holding it later and cracking it open before he casts Historia Viventem. Rayla’s the only person who clutches either of the pendants protectively. Ethari’s let go of it, but it’s meant to be used, and Runaan and Callum both broke theirs--to help others instead of themselves, which is how Rayla operates, too. Man, I love these pendants.

Callum comes over to see her. He can see she’s broody again. But she looks away. She doesn’t want to admit she’s a mess.

And she lies about her feelings. I had an ask about Rayla and lying recently. At this point, she’s still trying to cover for her “flaws,” but she still doesn’t have a good enough distraction to fool Callum. And that’s a good thing.

Rayla gazes sadly at her new pendant again at the oasis. Of course their mounts are paying attention to her--they know her--but the way Ethari’s Shadowpaw is studying Rayla here, it’s like it can sense her distress and it’s watching out for her. It gives me a weird vibe like Ethari can sense Rayla’s emotional struggle from afar, and maybe he knew she’d have to go through this, but he hopes she’ll get to a good place in the end.

These three faces Rayla makes as she processes Nyx’s “two blankets or just one” comment are a delight, especially because she’s hiding them from Callum. First she’s shocked at suddenly having to think about snuggling with Callum. Then she catches herself playing with her hair. And the third pic--the way she gets habsolutely hurious at herself--tells me that Rayla playing with her hair like that is a sign of emotional interest. She’s got eight tons of emotional baggage rn, but her heart’s still gonna daydream, and she hates how messy she feels.

Rayla can keep her feelings bottled up while she’s awake, but it overwhelms her at night. She’s crying, and she can’t stop.

Callum, soft-hearted boy that he is, reaches out again, concerned. Maybe he wakes Rayla from a crying sleep, or maybe she was already awake.

Rayla’s really broken up, though. She’s devastated after her visit to the Silvergrove, and all her feels are pouring out.

She tells Callum to get away from her because she’s desperate for distance. She can’t keep her feels inside anymore. She’s had a day and a half to process, and the things she’s realizing are breaking her. And the only way to preserve the illusion of her remaining in control is to go where Callum can’t see her tears.

The hood comes up again. She’s hiding her emotions, trying to stuff them down deep like Runaan trained her to. But they won’t go away. Runaan is part of why she has such wrenching feels now. Rayla’s reaching a breakdown point, and that’s not something Moonshadows show to someone they haven’t trusted with their true feelings. So she’s trying to hide everything at once.

And she knows it isn’t working. So her self-doubt comes out, as well. That overdeveloped sense of failure.

Callum focuses on reassuring her, because that’s how he was raised: to reach out to those who are hurting. But all Rayla hears is an illusion she knows she can’t maintain. She’s not okay. And finally, she blurts out everything that’s weighing on her heart.

Rayla’s acknowledgment of her loss of stability--her social support system, critical to community-minded Moonshadows--is followed by a list of every single negative core belief she has. They just tumble out of her one after another. Everything she fears is true, all the ways she’s not good enough. And on some level, Callum instinctively senses that Rayla’s spiraling because she feels alone. She’ll keep falling if no one catches her. 

So Callum catches her. He stops her spiral. He just wedges himself into her rant and takes it over, because he’s having none of that terrible negativity from her. He knows none of that is true. Negative core beliefs are never true.

you heard me, Rayla

Callum replaces Rayla’s negative rant with a positive one. He matches her in emotional intensity, and she’s completely caught off guard by it.

She’s really not buying into this “you’re really good” bit, though. She’s struggled with that for a while--she didn’t believe Runaan either, when he said she was the fastest and the strongest of his assassins.

But Callum, unlike Runaan, is looking at Rayla when he’s talking to her, so he sees her reaction and acts to reinforce it with supportive touch. Touch is a big Moonshadow language, and one Rayla’s got to be familiar with after living in Runaan’s house for so many years. Callum’s touch says even more than is words do, and it’s really gotten Rayla’s attention.

Their body language here is key. Facing directly, close, he’s still holding her hand, full eye contact, soft expression. This is how you talk to someone when you’re emotionally open. Everything about Callum is saying “Listen, this topic is important to me.” And his topic is Rayla.

He talks her up, gets her to laugh. He’s intent on keeping her downward emotional spiral interrupted, and it’s working. So he sums up by telling Rayla that she knows he’s right. She’s not all the things she said. She’s the things he’s saying about her.

And then he takes her hood down. That’s assassin for “let me see your feelings.” Rayla thinks she knows exactly what he’s saying, but Callum doesn’t speak assassin. He doesn’t know what her hood’s actual purpose is.

No wonder she’s not quite prepared. Lookit those cute high eyebrows of shock. She thinks Callum’s inviting her to be fully emotionally open with him, as he’s just been with her. De-hooding an assassin is an invitation to be soft. It’s probably a very romantic thing under certain circumstances.  She may have seen Ethari take down Runaan’s hood a time or two as a way to encourage him to embrace softer feels and open up. So Rayla feels she’s being invited to do the same. 

And she wants to. Look at this face!

Rayla’s feeling supported, understood, encouraged, and emotionally safe. She thinks she’s just been invited to share her true feelings, since Callum was just so open and complimentary, and since he pulled down her hood. So she does. And in true Moonshadow fashion, she chooses to express herself through touch instead of words. She kisses him!

And in the moment before she realizes that wasn’t exactly what he was inviting her to do, this is her expression. She’s utterly content. Not mushy, not weepy, but balanced again. She had all these big feels revolving around guilt and abandonment. She felt alone. Moonshadows should never be alone. But now... Now she has Callum. Rayla’s not alone anymore. She found her balance, by holding onto him.

Eventually, they get around to confessing their feelings at the same time, and this is the first thing they do after those first happy smooches. They fall asleep together, touching, relaxed, and vulnerable. It’s so very soft and sweet that they touch even in their sleep. Rayla’s probably the one who kept holding onto Callum, and he was absolutely willing to stay right by her side and fall asleep on her shoulder. Rayla’s absorbing all the Not Alone Anymore vibes she can--she needs the emotional support, and Callum’s heart is deep enough to give her everything she needs.

And then, once Rayla’s feeling more balanced, she starts initiating contact. Sometimes it’s serious handholding, like in front of Avizandum’s statue. But they also get adorably silly, and we get to see Rayla’s playful, romantic side. She finally feels comfortable touching Callum with casual intimacy

Ever since Rayla admitted her feelings for Callum and realized she wasn’t alone and abandoned, she’s stopped staring at the pendant. She accepts it as a part of her, like Runaan and Ethari did. She can finally come to terms with Ethari being able to love her despite what she did, because Callum loves her despite what she did. 

The only other time Rayla looks at the pendant is right before she gives it away. She wants to protect Callum, to let him run with Zym to safety. She’s gonna give him the pendant, but as she reaches for it, she’s choosing to protect someone else instead of herself. She finally understands what it means to love someone more than life. 

Just like Ethari loves her and Runaan.

That’s why her goodbye kiss to Callum mirrors Runaan’s goodbye kiss to Ethari. She comes full circle, from the Silvergrove and back to it, from one family to another family, from being loved unconditionally to loving someone else unconditionally. Rayla’s passed through all the phases of her moon, and she finally understands what Ethari knew about love.

Because Callum has become her heart. And Ethari--his love, his gift--helped her understand that.