#I can’t fully articulate why i dislike that and it might be due to how frequently being compared to str8 ppl has been

[demonio-fleurs]

i always get an awful taste in my mouth when i see people call xyz ship “the ship for straight ppl” or some other combination of being a ship for hets/straight ppl, even if i dont like or care for that ship myself

[dreamsmp-megaritz]

my problems with the tone of post-season-1 Dream SMP

Here are some things I often see in Dream SMP post-season-1, which I do not see so much in season 1. Take all of this with a grain of salt, in light of how (1) I am not nearly as familiar with the seasons 2&3 material as I am with season 1 material (so there may be some or many parts of seasons 2&3 which do not have these problems, and which I am failing to give due credit to), and (2) I often cannot pin down why I feel differently about season 1 than about seasons 2&3, so I am not certain how much of my claims stem from objective differences between them vs. subjective biases on my part.

I hope this post can present some topics of further discussion, investigation, friendly debate, and/or analysis.

--

Problem #1. Excessive emphasis on making a clear distinction between “canon” and “non-canon.”

It seems that now players often talking about “canonically” doing X and “not canonically” doing Y. I don’t like this much. Back in season 1, people almost never used the word “canonically.” The line was blurrier, and I liked that better. This is a block-game role-play, and given this format, there are many features of the story which really cannot be pinned down with much precision.

As one example (among many), L’Manberg was a “nation” but it also seems to have consisted of only a few people. There’s arguably no way to make much sense of this within any tightly defined “canon,” and I think it’s good that the story has not tried much to do so. The canon should remain loose in some ways.

The blurriness of the canon/non-canon distinction is also good for the intertextual elements discussed in @lucemferto’s video about Philza (which is fantastic, and I highly recommend watching it). This sort of intertextuality is one of my favorite things about Dream SMP-- and I have my own theories as well, which I will write about at a later time-- but I suspect some of these cool elements may require keeping the canon/non-canon distinction at least somewhat blurry.

Of course, I totally grant there is a need for a "role-playing / not role-playing” distinction, or something along these lines. Many of the characters dislike each other in the story, but are friends in real life. Occasionally some of the younger fans get confused about this, and will become angry at content-creators under the false impression that the content-creators are mistreating each other. I fully recognize that some kind of explicit distinction is needed in order to avert these confusions, and to keep everyone on the same page of realizing it’s all in good fun. But the necessary distinction should be sensitive to the loosey-goosey nature of the storytelling format.

Back in season 1, I think content-creators would often correct young viewers’ confusion by saying “It’s a bit” i.e. a skit or game (rather than using words like “canon”). I like this “bit” terminology, because it seems appropriately loose-- instead of using the word “canonically” which seems inappropriately strict.

(Admittedly the term “bit” may be more appropriate to the very early period where there was little to no scripting. I’ll briefly return to the “scripting vs. improvising” distinction a few times. It is related to these other distinctions, but not identical to them.)

--

Problem #2. Some dialogue scenes are too long.

Let’s take a bunch of the one-on-one scenes between Dream in prison talking to other characters such as TommyInnit, like in this VOD and following ones. These scenes involve a lot of interesting story details, but they go on for a frankly very long time. To me they feel incredibly drawn out. They’d be better at half the length. They seem to have a lot of needless repetition, among other issues.

I’m not certain of the cause of the problem, but it seems to be stemming partially from the particular kind of combination of scripting and improvising which they involve. It isn’t always a great combination. It’s like the players have a checklist of story points to cover, but they aren’t sure how to pull it off in a way that sounds natural without taking too long.

I’m not sure how to solve it. Scripting the dialogue more thoroughly might help make them more concise-- but at the cost of sounding less natural, and losing the charm which Dream SMP’s improvisation often holds.

But further analysis would be needed to say exactly how or why the problem is happening. And not everyone might agree me that it’s happening at all. So I’ll be curious to hear other people’s assessments of the problem (if there is one) and what’s causing it.

In any case, I’ll contrast it to season 1. I believe season 1 did not have many scenes that dragged out for a long time. Season 1 has serious moments as well, and it has dramatic weight. But it does not often have the feeling of dragged out scenes. Again I think further analysis is needed to figure out whether I’m right about this or not-- and if I’m right, further analysis will be needed to figure out why the seasons feel so different, because I can’t really say for sure or in detail why it feels this way. So again I’m curious what other people will think about this.

--

Problem #3. Too serious.

This problem seems to be part of the cause of the first two problems. Excessive seriousness may contribute to dragged-out scenes which aren’t fun to watch, and it may contribute to taking the “canon vs. non-canon” distinction too seriously, with an excess tendency to put “serious” stuff on the “canon” side of the divide and put “non-serious” stuff on the “non-canon” side of the divide.

In any case, the storyline after season 1, or at least some parts of it (probably not other parts), seem to have a puffed up air of “seriousness” which really feels off to me.

This does not mean it never succeeds at being serious in the right way. For instance I think serious parts of the Quackity VOD “Quackity Visits Dream in Prison” actually work very well-- even the one-on-one scene between Quackity and Dream, which is one of the best prison scenes. Crucially, this specific prison scene does not seem to have the problems that I’ve complained about for other prison scenes, or at least not nearly as severely. But a lot of seasons 2 and 3, from what I’ve seen of them, appear to have the problem of feeling like they’re “trying too hard” to be taken seriously, and it doesn’t work for me.

Another strength of that Quackity VOD is that the scene with Schlatt at the afterlife gym had a combination of seriousness and levity which I thought was very strong. Whatever one may think of Schlatt’s style of comedy outside DSMP (i’m aware of the myriad controversies), I think Schlatt is incredibly skillful at pulling off an effective combination of seriousness and levity, and I think his chemistry tends to enhance other players’ ability to pull it off too.

And to be clear, season 1 has serious moments as well. But the mixture of seriousness and levity in season 1 seems stronger to me. When Schlatt wins the election, this is a dramatic moment, but it also seems to have a degree of campiness which makes it work well. When Wilbur goes through various scenes of planning to blow up Manberg, this is dramatic and a serious character arc in some ways, but it does not seem to me that it has the air of over-seriousness which parts of seasons 2 and onward seem to have.

However, I can’t really articulate why this is. Some of it may be a nostalgic bias toward the earlier material, and/or the fact that the earlier material had more novelty. And I was in a very particular kind of emotional place when I watched a lot of season 1, due to the pandemic and various other factors, which has strongly impacted how I feel about it today.

However, I think this does not account for everything. I maintain that, most likely, there are also objective differences between the seasons in their style or tone, even though I cannot really pin down what they are in detail or with much assurance.

I also want to add another disclaimer that I’m not sure how consistent this is. For instance, there are plots like the Butcher Army where I simply haven’t watched enough to get a sense of how serious or non-serious it comes across as.

--

Possible diagnoses?

There may be a bunch of possibilities for what causes these issues, but for now I only have the faintest speculations.

One possibility is that seasons 2&3 are more scripted, whereas season 1 was more improvised. This would explain some of the issues, if true. However, I am not sure whether it is actually true that seasons 2&3 are more scripted than season 1.

I can’t find citations offhand right now, but I recall Schlatt once said (at least a lot of) season 1 was heavily scripted, and I think that Wilbur once said season 2 is not as scripted as many people think it is. Now, I grant Schlatt and Wilbur may be using different standards of what counts as “heavily scripted,” and it’s not clear to me whether they agree or not. So there may be some ambiguity. But in any case, the combination of these two statements leads me to think season 2 is probably not significantly more scripted than season 1. And if that’s true, then the degree of scripting is not the key to understanding the problems.

Another possibility is that the difference stems from whether Wilbur or someone else is the main writer. This is most likely a big part of it. However, I am not sure of the details, as I have not researched it enough. I also do not know whether Wilbur has returned to being the lead writer yet (as of late March 2021), or if that is still upcoming.

[veryvincible]

Hello, you mentioned Howard was physically abusive towards Tony but I don’t remember any physical abuse panels ... the one that comes close to it is probably Howard forcing alcohol to young Tony. I also can’t recall Maria being abused .. she was pretty spoiled and annoying during Gillens flashbacks lol. Of course I could be wrong because I didn’t read all of Howard or Maria comic appearances and I’m certainly NOT defending Howard.

He was a piece of shit but I think his abuse was mostly psychological and emotional which are horrible and are harder to spot and overcome. Which is why I agree with you about how Tony views his dad and has those mixed feelings about Howard. He shrugs it like “he tried his best” or “it was tough love” and I think that’s because he can’t fully recognise the abuse because it wasn’t your typical “abuse” aka physical ... there are no bruises. Anyway this my lengthy unsolicited 2 cents .. sorry 😩

Also.. Maria was awful too and was okay with using Tony as a decoy. She’s not a good mom. I dislike how much the fandom sympathise with her lol I hope you don’t mind me <3

Whew. Okay.

I’m putting a disclaimer here to say that this is a little rough to talk about for me, and as such, this may not be the most eloquent thing I’ve ever put together. So, with that in mind, here’s my response:

First of all, I think it’s important to remember that physical abuse doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and that it’s most often preceded by psychological and emotional abuse. While I’ll concede that victims of psychological and emotional abuse exclusively can fall into imposter syndrome much more easily as a result of a lack of physical evidence, that doesn’t necessarily mean that physical evidence of abuse will lead to someone legitimizing their experiences. Physical evidence can play a huge role in whether or not other people will believe you when you tell them what’s going on, but when it comes to actually being a victim of abuse, physical evidence isn’t actually too strong an indicator of anything. When you’ve already spent so much time justifying emotional and psychological abuse for your abuser, it’s not a huge leap to then go on to justify the physical abuse, whether you do it by invalidating your own self worth or validating the mental state your abuser is in that’s causing them to hurt you. So, Tony could still realistically be physically abused and have the mindset of, “Maybe I overreacted!” or “Maybe they tried their best and their best was shitty, but I can understand that there’s more nuance to it.” Tough love, especially, is a significant justification for victims of physical abuse, especially men.

Secondly, I think your take is perfectly valid. I think your hatred for and anger toward Maria is understandable. A lot of people need that kind of content; they themselves find catharsis through righteous anger, and when you need to feel that, you need to feel that. Letting yourself go through the motions and feel what you weren’t allowed to feel when you were under the shitty circumstances is huge for health and emotional wellbeing. That being said, it’s also incredibly important to remember that other people- other victims of abuse, specifically- find catharsis through other means.

I, myself, am a victim of severe long-term abuse, and I have a complicated family set up wherein there’s a history of abuse on both sides. Some close friends of mine have been in similar positions, and they do lean on the side of acknowledging and working through pain via anger and frustration. Due to my nature, though, that’s not generally the frame of reference I use for my situation on a day-to-day basis. I will have periods of extreme anger, and these close friends of mine have periods of mellow understanding, but at our core, we’re different. Survivors exist on a spectrum.

This is one of the reasons why I love that we get different takes on Tony’s family and his interpretation of the abuse that he’s been through; this is a result of time and writer changes, of course, but the fact is, no matter where you are on the spectrum, it’s easy to relate to some mindset of 616 Tony’s, because... well, he (as a written, inconsistent character, as opposed to a cohesive “person”) has so many to choose from.

So, I understand why you dislike that fandom has a tendency to sympathize with her. I can empathize with the feeling of being “othered” from the fandom as a result of what content is most cathartic to consume for you, specifically when this content differs from the accepted “baseline” that fanon’s built.

I respect your opinion and your desire for a no-tolerance policy in the works you consume. I understand why you would feel that way, and I legitimately do hope that you’re able to find the corner of fandom that provides you with that content that you need. All I ask is that you have the same level of respect and understanding for people like me, who have had different responses to abuse and, as such, need different content in order to process what we’ve been through. Fanon, as it is, just happens to be kind of in between us; yes, it’s incredibly difficult to swallow sometimes, but it’s important that we be respectful of this, too.

As for canon evidence of both physical abuse and Maria being a victim of Howard’s abuse.

Like the many different interpretations we get of Tony and his response to abuse, there are also many different interpretations of Howard and Maria’s relationship, not only with each other but with their son as well. But here’s one of the earliest appearances of the family as a whole, in a funky flashback scene:

There’s a good amount of canon like this, especially surrounding this issue (Vol. 1, #285), but here’s the gist of it:

Maria’s pretty clearly used to being silenced and talked down to, to the point where we can assume she’s self-regulating to avoid an outburst on Howard’s part, that might result in emotional damage or worse.

Her timidity, however, changes when her son is at risk. So, in this early depiction of the family dynamics, Maria won’t advocate for herself as an autonomous woman, but she will actively use her body to shield her son from potential harm. It’s kind of the opposite of her using Tony as a decoy. Again, there are many interpretations of these family dynamics, but this is specifically one interpretation in early canon that people can (and often do) choose to draw from.

Needless to say, “No, Howard. You won’t lay a hand on him,” implies that Howard has a history of laying his hands on his son.

There’s really not much else I have to say about this.

So, to recap: Your feelings are perfectly understandable, and I’m not asking you to be less angry or hate Maria any less. Please, please, please seek out whatever content will feel best for you. Don’t feel obligated to abide by any one bit of canon just because it’s a fanon favorite. Your feelings on this subject matter. What you need for the sake of your mental health matters. Your anger is legitimate.

But that doesn’t erase that the majority of fanon has chosen an interpretation of the Stark family dynamic that’s different from what you or I might tend to go for. We’re both a little bit further down our respective ends of the spectrum, and fanon is more in the middle. It’s imperative to the healing of everyone who uses these comics and these characters to relate to and project on that we understand we all have different needs and different “ideals” for the content we consume.

So, please, be angry, but be respectful. You don’t have to be understanding toward these fictional characters, but be understanding toward the people who want to be understanding toward them, to some degree. And don’t let anyone on the opposite end of the spectrum tell you that you’re any less correct than they are. 

This was a long one and, like I said, it is difficult to properly articulate these thoughts in a way that feels like it’s welcoming and understanding toward everyone who might come across them, so I hope I did well here.

Thank you for your ask. I most definitely do not mind you.

[funkymbtifiction]

hey charity, can you describe in depth why you mistyped as ISFJ, and found your true type of ENFP (what lead you to it, does it feel like the one, etc). also what do you score on function tests?

Sure. You should know I blame my Enneagram 6 for… like, all of it.

I came on the scene assuming I was an ENFP right from the start, but that’s before I was introduced to all the stereotypes which focus on behavior and not mental processing. I thought the general profiles of the ENFP fit me really well – but then I started getting doubts because… honestly, I don’t just leap into things without looking or thinking about them first; I have not hopped on a plane to a foreign country and gone off to do exciting things without a safety net; I do not move apartments or change boyfriends every 4 months out of boredom; I can finish whatever books I start writing, without getting distracted and leaving a lifetime of half-finished tasks behind me; and I use my Ne for more than just idealism. At the time I knew nothing about Enneagram, nor that all of the above is Ne-dom + Enneagram 7 (with an sx variant of idealism). Plus, my 6 is anxious about the future to some extent, and I had read about inferior Ne being anxious about the future.

So, that threw me off a lot. I had a long list of what I didn’t realize at the time were blatant stereotypes to compare my behavior to, and coz I’m a head type / 6 it didn’t match. No one explained to me that it’s how you think, not what you do, that determines your type. So I had to resign myself to likely not being an ENFP, and because I’m somewhat introverted, that narrowed down my options (I assumed I had therefore to be IXFX). I kept reading… and found a bunch more stereotypes, especially of the “Fe is unselfish, and Fi is selfish and rude and uncaring” variety. I looked at Fi characters and saw a trait of stubbornness and selfishness I could not relate to and I had a strong reaction to of dislike. I am an agreeable person who spends a lot of time concerned with how she makes other people feel and goes along with them to keep them happy. I make decisions based on how I think they’re going to feel – so since I wasn’t some clueless and totally self-absorbed person, I obviously had to use Fe, right? (I’m ashamed of how I used to see Fi. And those “Fe is the nice one” stereotypes sadden me.)

Again, I never at that time ran across anything that explained how Fe is a social organizer and thinks in terms of “us” and “we” (the collective) which would have helped me realize – that’s not what I do. I actually have an adverse reaction to that sort of thing. No one told me Fi’s feelings are abstract and hard to tell other people about; if they had, I would have connected to it, since I have had people ask me how I’m feeling and I just stare at them in confusion, unable to articulate it because it’s all… impressions in my head. Abstract. And often out of sync with what people expect me to feel. I once had someone express to me, “Oh, I’m so sorry you didn’t grow up close to your sisters, how sad.” And I was like, “Why is it sad? I don’t care that we weren’t close. Should I care that we weren’t close? Why would you assume I’d care? And why would you express sadness over it? Because people are supposed to be close to their sisters? But why would you be close to them if you have nothing in common and no attachment to them?”

Because I quickly identified Ne in myself (THAT at least rang true – the “getting ideas outside yourself” has always been blatantly obvious to me, about me) and was going off stereotypes, I concluded (rather unhappily, I might add) that I had to be ISFJ. And, as you probably know, I stuck with it for a long time.

Several people pointed out to me that I used way, way more Ne than an ISFJ. I just reasoned that my dad was an intuitive and it rubbed off on me (cute… but that’s not how it works, not the focused, reading-between-the-lines, operating-on-hunches Ne that I use). A few other strangers around tumblr suggested to me I came across as a Te user, due to my straightforward / directive style, in which I discard any pretense of niceties and just answer questions by focusing on what’s being asked and giving an answer (no Fe “sugar coating” – I often read back over stuff later and go, “Oh yeah, I guess I could have been less blunt and less detached and more warm and personal… oops”). I assumed they had to be wrong, because I finish things and ENFPs don’t. Stupid, I know.

But ISFJ never quite fit. I left bait in ISFJ forums to entice them into abstract conversations that went ignored. I looked at my ISFJ (confirmed) best friend and could see NOTHING similar in us, from how we communicated, thought, felt, and reacted to our overall tastes and interests. And frankly, when I said I shared her type, her eyebrows shot up into her hairline and my parents died laughing. None of them knew what type I was, but it “sure as hell isn’t ISFJ.”

And then came two intense discussions over about a week that forced me to toss out ISFJ altogether and start over. In the first, an INTJ I’d met through this tumblr and had been talking to / corresponding with for a few months pointed out that our Te thinking process was similar; our conclusions were similar; my reasoning was similar to hers, as was my Fi tendency to think people are all responsible for their own emotional states. So, that threw me for a loop. Then another NF friend had a five hour argument with me in which she insisted I had to be an intuitive and came up with evidence of how fast my brain switches gears, how often I am abstracting away from things (as an example, someone dies in a movie and I cry, not because the character is dead but because I’m thinking about death / loss abstractly), and how fast I can think on my feet and discard my own ideas, and how often I contradict myself.

I finally just accepted it, tentatively and with anxiety, since I was still hounded by the 98 ways I do NOT fit the ENFP stereotype. Learning my Enneagram has helped that anxiety fade, but I still wonder if I got it right sometimes. Looking back, I can see where I screwed myself over from recognizing my cognition sooner because of my 6w7 tendency to trust / seek other people’s opinions and automatically suspect, “Well, they probably have more information / knowledge than I do… so even though it feels kind of wrong, I guess I’ll run with their idea?” Ne-dom tendency to latch onto other people’s notions even if they’re thin. If this person is married to a (7 core) ENFP who never finishes things… and I finish what I start and and steadily work at it until it’s done… then I guess I can’t be an ENFP because this person must know what they’re talking about... (Typical immature tert-Te – lose patience, just wants an answer, grabs onto one example and assumes it creates a base pattern, rushes to a conclusion that doesn’t fit, and then tries to figure out WHY this feels off.)

You ask if it feels right. Not always but I’m learning that’s owing to my tritype. My 6 finds it hard to let go of the four people out there who still think I’m an SFJ. I have anxiety about it from time to time, wondering if I’m misleading everyone, until I remember how bad I am at anything Si-related and how easy it is for me to abstract away from an object, and then I feel weirdly comforted / secure again.

Function tests. The Socionics one always gives me ENFp or INFj (INFP). I tend to baffle the similarminds test, since I get similar to these results (current):

Te (Extroverted Thinking) (70%) your valuation of / adherence to logic of external systems / hierarchies / methods

Ti (Introverted Thinking) (30%) your valuation of / adherence to your own internally devised logic/rational

Ne (Extroverted Intuition) (70%) your valuation of / tendency towards free association and creating with external stimuli

Ni (Introverted Intuition) (50%) your valuation of / tendency towards internal/original free association and creativity

Se (Extroverted Sensing) (15%) your valuation of / tendency to fully experience the world unfiltered, in the moment

Si (Introverted Sensing) (35%) your valuation of / focus on internal sensations and reliving past moments

Fe (Extroverted Feeling) (65%) your valuation of / adherence to external morals, ethics, traditions, customs, groups

Fi (Introverted Feeling) (65%) your valuation of / adherence to the sanctity of your own feelings / ideals / sentiment

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 based on your results your type is likely - unclear

HAHAHAHA.

If you’re asking me this, to try and find your type, drop all the stereotypes about the types and focus on how your brain works. Remember to factor in your core Enneagram type and think about how that might impact your dominant function. I can see clearly how 6 shapes my Ne and has strengthened my Te. It holds back my Ne in some respects (it’s like… I operate on Ne but am anxious about my N conclusions without Te finding proof), and between 6 and 1, focuses it intently; but I am still prone to leaping on ideas half-baked and running with them, since I am not always great at objectively ruling them out (which also made it hard to find my type)… which is high Ne, not low Ne. And then there’s the fact that I shock most people when I honestly say I can’t remember 95% of my childhood, much less what I just read. I realized the other day my grandparents have all been dead for over 5 years. I honestly could not have told you how long they’ve been gone – in some ways, it feels like last summer and in others, like a lifetime ago. THAT is how bad I am with actual details, even on things that matter to me. My Si basically hangs out, stressing over forgetting things / practical details and gets nit-picky about DID NO ONE NOTICE THAT’S FORMATTED WRONG?

- ENFP Mod.

[wordsablaze]

Twenty Six: Bless The Library

A Month Of Kaider Just some fairly long daily drabbles for the life of AU Cinder and Kai… A Kaider tale. Enjoy!

Cinder wakes up with fear running through her veins.

She doesn't know what woke her up until she goes to wake Kai and finds his bed empty.

It'd be nice if Kai had just gone to get a glass of water or something but alas, Cinder knows that it was Levana, again.

There's a part of her that wants to laugh, a part of her that wants to cry, and a part of her that wants to punch a hole in the wall. Thankfully, she decides to do none of the above.

Instead, she doesn't hesitate to throw on joggers, a vest top, a hoodie, and the boots Kai had bought her. Quickly grabbing her phone and keys, she slips them inside her pockets and locks the door behind her as she leaves.

She pauses once she gets outside.

Levana wouldn't be stupid enough to take him back to fake-Rikan's house so there's no point going here. Gritting her teeth, Cinder tries to think of anywhere else she can look. After standing in the same spot for so long that she starts shivering despite the hoodie, she starts to move.

She ends up briskly walking towards the field from yesterday. She hadn't even had a chance to ask Kai why he'd gone there, simply assuming that it was to get the information he'd told her.

Her boots softly drum on the stone pavement as she hums to herself, trying to get rid of the silence that looms around her.

"Oh, blazes," she mutters as she reaches a dead end, knowing that she must have taken a wrong turn somewhere but unfortunately having neither good enough navigation skills nor a good enough memory to remember where.

"Forget this," she declares, running forwards and launching herself at the wall.

Luckily, she manages to grab onto something, pulling herself up so she's sat on top of the wall. She almost laughs, realising that she's at the edge of the very field she was trying to get to.

"Beat that, stupid wall."

She braces herself before pushing with the palms of her hands and jumping, bending her knees as she lands and rolling to one side so she doesn't break her ankles. It's not the most graceful of landings but she's injury-free and nobody's watching so Cinder doesn't care.

"Now, where's that stupid shed?" she asks herself, starting to walk.

Walking doesn't last long.

She starts running after a minute of silence, wanting to hear the wind noisily rush past her ears.

She's so engrossed in the sound of the wind that she doesn't realise she's crashed into someone until they're both on the floor in a heap.

"Cinder?"

"Kai?"

The two of them untangle their limbs and pull each other up.

"Are you okay?" Kai asks.

"I should be asking you that, what happened?" Cinder pulls him into a hug.

Kai pulls back far too quickly for her liking. "We can't talk here, come on…"

"Think again," Simone drawls, shining a flashlight onto them.

Or rather, crossing her arms as the two men behind her shine flashlights.

Kai groans but Cinder just steps in front of him, scowling.

"You are absolutely annoying," Simone declares.

"Well, I'm not just going to watch while you try to marry my boyfriend, am I?" Cinder hisses.

"How cute," Simone says dryly.

Cinder and Kai barely have time to blink before they're being lifted up. She can't move, her arms pressed against her sides as the man lifting her up starts to walk forwards.

"Let go!" Cinder yells, but to no avail.

She groans as she and Kai are carried to the same place where Kai had blown something up yesterday.

"Ah, Selene, why am I not surprised?" Levana smirks.

"Maybe because you're incapable of emotion?" Cinder asks as sarcastically as possible.

Simone smiles before clearing her throat, "Kai found out."

"Exactly how did that happen?" Levana asks stiffly.

Kai scoffs, "Perhaps its's due to the fact that you don't fully investigate your associates and nor do you take the necessary precautions for setting up a potentially incriminating information bank."

Three seconds of silence later, he's flying backwards until he hits the wall with a soft groan and a loud thud.

Cinder flinches. "What was that for?"

Levana narrows her eyes. "It should not affect you!"

"He's my boyfriend!" Cinder almost yells. "You can't expect me not to be affected when you throw him at a wall in a fit of rage!"

"Boyfriend," Simone echoes. "If he really was your boyfriend, he wouldn't run away, would he?"

Cinder frowns, craning her neck to see that Kai has in fact somehow disappeared.

"Where did he go?" Levana asks, her voice alarmingly frantic.

Cinder laughs, knowing Kai better than to assume that he's run off and left her behind. Regardless of their current situation, they'd decided that they wouldn't leave each other behind in any situation, whether it's an awkward conversation or a life-threatening fight.

"Right here," Kai mutters before the lights go off.

Cinder smirks to herself.

Cinder stiffens as a hand appears over her mouth but Kai's soft kiss to her head makes her relax and she takes his hand, following him without question.

He leads her through doors she wouldn't have even known existed until they get to what looks like a library, the walls covered in books. Kai lets go of her hand and shuts the door behind him, locking all eight of the locks.

"I used to come here with my mother, when I was little, when we didn't live here."

"Kai…" Cinder squeezes his hand reassuringly.

"I'm sorry I ran off after school, I'd just realised something."

"What?" Cinder asks.

"My mother must have known. When she… when she was sick, we stopped coming here and she kept telling me that this library was full of words that never should have been written down." Kai takes a breath before continuing, "I always thought she meant that the books weren't appropriate or something along those lines but I'm fairly certain that she was trying to warn me about the secrets."

"Kai, it's okay…" Cinder gently wipes his eyes, biting her lip so she doesn't cry.

"I don't have time to explain everything but, in simple terms, Levana needs her daughter to marry…"

"You said that yesterday too, but I don't get what Ri- what that man has to do with it," Cinder admits.

Kai bites his lip, his face crumpling.

"Kai?" Cinder asks, swearing as she hears footsteps.

"They won't find this room," Kai mumbles, his voice faltering.

"Then I can do this."

Cinder pulls him into an embrace, holding him tight. She doesn't let go when he starts shaking, when she hears his muffled sobs, or when he burrows into her hoodie. She only holds him tighter, hating that someone's hurt him enough to make him cry like this.

She doesn't even care that her leg is cramping because the only thing she really wants is Kai's smile back and for the shine in his eyes to sparkle like the sun. She wants his tears to go away, she wants him to stop shaking and she wants him to stop stumbling over his sentences. There's nothing she wouldn't give to hear his articulate sass once again.

"What happened?" Cinder asks softly, minutes later, once he's stopped crying.

"After my mother… after my mother passed, my father got sick too."

Cinder swears internally, never having cursed the universe so much.

"They told me he didn't have long left." Kai's voice is so quiet, so pained. "So I wasn't expecting it when they told me he'd made a recovery."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Cinder asks, feeling stupid even as the words leave her mouth.

Kai shrugs. "It should have been. They said he'd suffered memory loss and… many other complications… so he would… so he might act a little different to usual."

"I didn't think much of it at the time," Kai confesses. "I was just happy to have him back. Until I wasn't. Because he wasn't my father."

"What do you mean, he wasn't your father?"

"He was… different. Everything about him had changed: his outfits, his likes and dislikes, his dialect, everything…

She shuts her eyes as she realises what he's about to say.

"For a while, I accepted everything. For a long time, actually. Then… then Torin found me unconscious after… after a particularly bad… time." Kai shuts his eyes. "After that, everything changed. I moved in with Torin and stopped considering him as my father."

"Because he never was, was he?"

Kai shakes his head. "No, he wasn't. There was no medical miracle. My father had died, and nobody had told me."

This time, they're both lightly sobbing. Cinder couldn't tell you why she was, only that she felt the grief and anger Kai was feeling.

"That's what you found in Nainsi?"

Kai nods, sighing, "Levana had found someone who looked practically identical to my father and…"

"Levana?" Cinder asks, shocked. "What did Levana want with you back then?"

"It wasn't me she wanted at the time, it was my father."

"But he was sick?"

Kai shrugs. "I can't figure that part out either."

Cinder exhales. "You shouldn't have to, we're not even adults."

Kai laughs. "We're probably going to get detention."

"Or get killed." Cinder gestures to the locked door, not sure why she's laughing.

"Or worse: expelled," Kai quotes.

"Nerd!"

"Takes one to know one!" he retorts.

"Oh, shut up," Cinder mumbles, laughing still.

"Why does Levana hate you?" Kai inquires gently.

"I don't know," Cinder admits. "I just remember that she was always at war with my mother."

"I'm sorry," Kai murmurs.

"Why is family so messed up?" Cinder asks bitterly.

When Kai cries, it's soft and quiet.

But when Cinder cries, it's angry and bitter.

She can't mute her sobs so she ends up curled against Kai, crying into his shirt with her fists clenched in the soft material. Kai gently runs his fingers through her hair and hums as soothingly as he can until she finally runs out of ire and her tears stop falling.

"Hey, you okay?" Kai asks.

"That's a stupid question, try again," Cinder intones.

Kai chuckles before kissing Cinder's forehead. "Family can be more than blood, Cinder."

"How?" Cinder asks. "You don't get to choose who your family is."

"Of course you do. The eight of us chose to live right next to each other, and we spend every minute of free time that we have with one another. We study together, we fight together, and we respect each other. Isn't that what a family does?"

Cinder shrugs.

"Cinder, I know we're only young but I love you, and I consider you to be family," Kai whispers.

Now her eyes are watering for a completely different reason.

"I hate you," Cinder replies instead of disagreeing.

"I know, I love you too." Kai winks.

"I love you," she admits.

"I know, I hate you too."

She rolls her eyes at him but puts her hands on either side of his head before pulling him closer, her lips meeting his before either of them can breathe.

Cinder gasps as she pulls back. "Let me get one thing straight, you idiot."

"What?" Kai asks.

"No matter what happens to everyone else, you're part of my family."

Kai smiles, his eyes lighting up.

"I never thought I would cry in a library," Cinder states, almost frowning at herself.

"Nor did I but libraries are powerful places."

"Talking about power, how did you get the lights to go off?"

"My mother was a very cautious person," Kai tells her, almost sadly.

"Your mother taught you how to sabotage the lights? And I thought my childhood was weird…"

"You told me your parents taught you how to hotwire a car." Kai raises an eyebrow. "Isn't that a lot worse?"

"No, of course it isn't," Cinder insists. "That's in case I ever need to borrow a car."

"You can't drive!"

"Is this really the time to criticise my childhood plans?" Cinder huffs.

"I'd almost forgotten that we weren't back at home." Kai blinks.

"So, how long do we need to stay here?"

"Not long at all," Kai whispers before he places a finger over his lips and gets up, walking over to one of the shelves and pulling out a few books.

"What are you doing?" Cinder asks, curious.

"Magic!" Kai laughs gleefully, winking before dramatically spinning his hands and pushing his arms forwards.

And, like magic, the shelf swings backwards.

Cinder gasps, "You dork! That was amazing!"

Kai winks. "Ready?"

"For you? Anytime." Cinder smiles.

Kai beams, taking his hand in hers. "I hope so."

As they pull the bookshelf door shut behind them, Cinder drowns out her worry with Kai's smile.

And she smiles back.

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[thebibliophagist]

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A Conjuring of Light was one of my most anticipated books of 2017. I adored both A Darker Shade of Magic and A Gathering of Shadows, so to say that my expectations were high for A Conjuring of Light would be an understatement. I love this world. I love these characters. This book, though? Don't shoot me, but I didn't love it.

I mean, obviously. I'm the kind of person that can power through a 600-page book in a couple nights. This book, at 624 pages, took me nearly two months. And yes, I suppose a big part of that was my library copy expiring while I was moving and then having to wait for eight people to read it before I could have it back, but still. Had I really wanted to finish it that badly, I would have either a) driven to the library to pick up a paper copy, b) driven to Barnes & Noble to buy my own paper copy, or c) just bought the ebook for myself from Amazon. And since I did none of those three things, it's pretty clear that I didn't really care that much about waiting.

It's not that the writing's bad. Because it's not. But the book is too long. A hundred pages of fighting and bleeding could have been cut out without really affecting the plot. Like, I get it. Antari bleed. It's their thing. But how many times can I read about these characters being tortured before I just start rolling my eyes? And how many times can I read about someone pulling out their dagger to kill someone else before I start skimming? The body count in this book is insane.

Plotwise, the first half of this book is pretty slow. That's the part that I really slogged through. I read the last 50% over a couple hours on Memorial Weekend, but getting there was sure a hassle. There are some things that were kind of confusing, like Maxim's whole plan to stop Osaron, but I think that Schwab meant for them to be that way. (I hope?) But, speaking of Maxim and his plan, why couldn't all of these characters talk to each other like grown-ups and share their plans? Maybe fewer people could have died.

Spoilers ahead, because I don't think I can fully articulate my feelings about this book in a spoiler-free review.

I loved Lila in the previous books. She took a little while to grow on me because she was just so reckless, but once she did, she was firmly implanted in my heart. Until this book. What, Lila gets a little magic and suddenly she thinks she's unstoppable? She becomes even more reckless and cocky and, honestly, stupid. I just wanted to take her aside and say to her, "Lila. You just found out you have magic and you don't even know how to use it yet. Maybe calm down." I was constantly frustrated with her actions and how all the other characters would repeatedly come to her rescue without calling her out on what she'd done wrong.

Kell is one of those characters that I adored from the first page of the first book. He was such a wonderful person, so focused on doing the right thing and protecting his family and keeping all of the worlds safe that he rarely took the time to do anything for himself. What a good guy. It's a shame that he's relegated to Lila's boring love interest in this book. Honestly, one of the things I appreciated most about the rest of this series was the lack of emphasis on romance. Sure, Lila and Kell had some serious sexual tension (and don't get me wrong, I loved it!) but the focus was on the magic. On the action. In this book, it seemed like the focus shifted more toward their feelings for each other, which was awkward and out of place considering the bigger conflicts that were brewing.

And now let's get to some characters that will stick with me. You know, I've read reviews before where people have said that certain characters are like their children. That they want to adopt them and keep them safe. I had not one, not two, but three of those characters in this book. I finally get it. I'm not sure that I've ever been as affected by a character as I was in this book.

The first is Luc. I was kind of indifferent to him in the previous books. As this book started, I was mad at him for breaking Rhy's heart. I didn't really feel anything when we watched his sister die. (I know, I'm an awful person.) But slowly, as the book progressed, he found his way into my heart. As he stayed behind to give the three Antari a fighting chance, I begged the universe to let Luc live. (Mostly because I didn't want Rhy to lose anyone else, but still.) And then, as he showed Rhy the memory of his brother's reaction to their relationship, I lost it. I have a guest room, Luc. Please move in so I can keep you safe from homophobic brothers.

Second, Rhy. I've always had a soft spot for him, but I feel like his character grew so much in this book. He's not just a flirty, tortured soul anymore. He is such a good person, and he tried so hard to do what was right for his people. This young man had to watch both his mother and father die horrible deaths in this book. Although he knew it would happen at some point, he suddenly found himself king at the worst possible time -- amid a war with the very personification of evil. And despite mourning his parents, he stepped up and faced that evil head on. What a guy. You and Luc can both live in my guest room.

I don't really recall my reaction to Holland in the first two books. Vague dislike, I guess. But, my goodness, now I'm not sure whether I want to marry this guy or bring him home and shield him from everything negative ever. This guy is my shining star. The light of my life. My only reason for slogging through this beast of a book. Like, let me love you, Holland. You deserve the world and more for so many reasons.

Talk about a complex character. Holland didn't have too much depth to him at the beginning of the series, but my goodness, Schwab makes up for that here. Did Holland do evil things? Yes. Did he murder scores of innocent people? Yes. But in this book, we get the reason why, and it just absolutely tore my heart to shreds.

So, basically, nobody has ever loved this guy. And everybody -- literally, everybody -- that he's ever loved, or even so much as cared about, has tried to murder him for their own gain. He was a small child the first time someone tried to murder him, and I just can't. Let me love you. Let me keep you safe.

When Holland's life finally starts looking up, the king that kept him (relatively) safe is brutally murdered and Holland is bound to some evil twins who force him to kill the entire castle staff. He literally cannot resist. And then they force him to kill even more people, basically just for fun. Every morning, he counts his dead. Break my heart a little more, why don't you.

He's briefly freed from the Athos twins and then bound by some evil, power hungry demon god. He's forced to do more things that he doesn't want to do. When he's finally free of the evil demon god's hold, he's arrested and held captive by Maxim for trying to overthrow the crown or whatever. Like, okay, it wasn't his fault. He was actually possessed. He's never had free will in his entire adult life and you literally cannot hold his actions against him.

Despite all of this, despite Kell and Lila and the entire Maresh family and the whole kingdom of Arnes openly despising him, he still volunteers to help overthrow evil demon god Osaron. He goes so far as to save Lila's life as she's bleeding out in the street due to her own stupidity (!) even though she constantly belittled him, made snide comments to and about him, and had a generally awful attitude toward him. (I can't honestly say that I would have done the same in his position.) In saving the world from Osaron, Holland's magic is stolen. He's empty. And then he just like... leans over and dies. I mean. What.

Why would you make me care about a character so much only to kill him off? Can I get an AU where Holland Vosijk lives and is happy and safe and appreciated? Where he can make his own decisions and be free from the crushing guilt he feels for things he did that he had absolutely no control over? This kid saved the world and he died a despised criminal. The worst thing is that I knew Holland was going to die because I saw a spoiler. (Tag your spoilers, please.) I think that's a big reason that I put off finishing this book.

I saw a review that talked about how the whole book suffers because of Holland. And at first, I was really upset by that, because, to me, Holland was the best part of this book. And then I realized. I literally did not care at all about our main characters because I was so focused on Holland. Nothing Kell or Lila did could possibly hold a candle to Holland, the boy who had already lost everything, who was already despised by the entirety of Red London, who still tried his hardest, gave up his magic and his life to save them.

(As a side note, I actually really love the name Holland... Like I might name one of my hypothetical future children Holland. Imagine that conversation. "Mom, where did my name come from?" "Oh, honey, just a mistreated former villain from a book I only rated three stars.")

So, yeah. Clearly, I'm bitter about Holland, but there were so many unnecessary deaths in this book. Why did Hastra have to die? He was just deciding that he wanted to grow flowers and be a happy, serene priest and then he's just run through with a sword? Why? And Lenos, Mr. "I Have A Bad Feeling," whose bad feelings you are always supposed to trust isn't trusted and then he dies. And so many other people die. And maybe if everybody had just paid attention when Lenos said something was off, maybe he and Hastra would still be alive. But no, the body count apparently needed to be raised, so we lost two more great characters.

But Kell and Lila are fine. They're sailing off into the sunset. It just hurts a little bit when Kell does magic. Ask me if I care. I'll trade Kell's magic for Holland's life any day.

(Another side note: Instead of that cheesy scene at the end where Kell and Lila quite literally sail off into the sunset happily ever after, I would have taken the actual backstory of Kell's life. Where did he come from? Who are his parents? What does KL stand for? I really wanted some resolution there, and no, taking the information and then burning because his adoptive family is more important is not a resolution.)

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading what is surely the longest book review I’ve ever written. It’s over 2,000 words, which could easily pass for a respectable college essay. I’m just very passionate about this world and these characters.

This is a book that has been adored by thousands of people, so please don’t take my criticisms as a reason not to read it. If you’ve read the first two books in the series, definitely get out there and grab this book. You might be mad when you finish reading it, but you certainly won’t regret finding out what happens to all of these characters in the end.

Final rating: ★★★☆☆

#mmdreading: a book that’s more than 600 pages