#I can’t draw goofy doodles forever lol

[atsr-studios]

I decided to take drawing more seriously and try to make an actual complete piece. So here it is ^u^

More info under the cut!

While scrolling, I found some concept art of playable Cyber elf X, and fell in love xD

So I decided to draw this piece; it was mostly practice for me to test out the brushes and my digital limits. (I usually draw in black and white on paper, so this was tough, but rewarding -w-)

Originally, the idea for the background would be a void-like cyberspace bg, but a friend suggested a sunset.

The idea here is that Cyber elf x is falling from… robot heaven? Armed and ready. So ye.

Sketch and inspiration:

[sheusedtobesassier]

Day 10,115

001. We’re Brangelina, but he’s Angelina because of their unconventional beauty and I’m Brad because of the fur coat he wears in Fight Club.

002. The day we laid in his bed and he told me about his “one that got away” who was really somebody he tried to be with for a long time until she got hurt in a way that I think was hard for both of them to understand.

003. Watching him giggly dance like animated Kermit with Janelle and Genevieve.

004. It’s the way he smells that keeps making me cry. Grabbed his lumpy leafy pillow, but not the other two ugly tropical Christmas pillows because I never liked those. Mm but I keep breathing deeply into the one. Earthy and clean and unlike anything else. Or maybe it’s the way humans smell and he’s just the only one I’ve been so close to. The only one I’ve ever breathed in. I think it upsets me so much because the pillow won’t smell like that forever. Because I’ll forget how he smells. That’s really really upsetting. So every time it does still smell like that I’m startled and relieved but still so upset. Still fresh. Will not stay fresh.

005. The day Kiersten and I quietly sat across from each other while she drew henna on my hand. I asked her if she’d seen us the other night, sitting in his parked car in the rain. She raised her eyebrows because we both knew she had. She said softly without looking up, “I think you two are cute together.”

006. How he’d ask me “Who even are you?” when I was wilding. He would shake his head and say, “You’re really on one.”

007. We talked about death a few nights ago. I talked about how it’ll be a relief to me when life is over and he talked about how that made no sense to him at all. How it felt so important to him, not the dying but the being alive. How he needed to do something important with it. I said it made him more ambitious and more prone to disappointment. It really explained so much.

008. A couple weeks ago I caught me thinking about who would be our flower girl and ring bearer if we ever got married.

009. Passing my water bottle back and forth 100 times on a drive or just getting back or when he would stop by after he got done working or MOSTLY after we’d messed around because we’d worn each other out. Splashing him because I liked to watch him get mad and have to calm himself down. Mm. Telling him to finish it and feeling small joy that I’d been able to meet his need.

010. The night I just watched him doodle things. He doesn’t draw pretty things. He draws strange things that make sense to just him. Unexpected.

011. His face when he would get sleepy or when he’d first wake up. I called it puffy and he didn’t like that but I meant puffy in the sweetest most darling way.

012. I woke up at five o’clock this morning and never fell back asleep. That’s literally never happened to me. I hope it doesn’t last very long because it’s extremely frustrating to not be able to escape, extremely frustrating to be inside my own head currently. Just snapped out of the middle of a safe dream and right away started thinking about him. Goddamn I cannot wait for mornings I wake up thinking about anything else.

013. I don’t want to talk to anybody else right now. Like actually maybe can’t. Just him. Talking to literally anybody else is disappointing. Being around anybody that isn’t him feels so fucking lonesome. Would rather be alone. Would rather take care of me than have anybody else try it. Just him. Don’t want it from anyone else.

014. He never watched my favorite movie.

015. Got me searching for photos of monarch butterflies as I hold back tears.

016. Mm, about to become super fucking conscious of how many spaces I’m in consist of only white people. So many white people. Too many white people. Damn.

017. I think the whole time we were in love he couldn’t stop mentioning Solange’s album. The first time I listened to it I didn’t like it and then I only ever heard it with him after that. Will probably never like it now.

018. The one evening in the Lodge during the first summer. I was stressed out completely, a low 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. He said we could get in his car and he’d drive me anywhere. I told him I couldn’t because of something coming up on the schedule. Mm but I let him put his arm around me. I didn’t fight that. And I let anybody see us as they left dinner and decided not to give a fuck because I was so sad and I liked him so much.

019. I txted Edith and Caleb right before lunch today to let them know what happened. That made me cry. Yeah I won’t be able to write about the sweet moments we’ve had with them right now but I hope I don’t forget them.

020. Prayed the other night that God would help me protect the memories, like to please help me hold onto them, help me be discreet and not let everybody in on them, but I also asked Him to protect me from the memories for at least this first little while. To not let them devastate me. Mm yeah I’m putting a lot of effort into backing up from the things I suddenly remember about him, about us. Cannot wade in too far.

021. He said my issues with my dad were Big Fish. He might be right.

022. He showed me his father on Facebook a couple weeks ago. A whole bunch of his family but yeah wow we came across his dad. Mm. I didn’t say anything because I felt like I shouldn’t. I couldn’t believe he showed him to me.

023. He loved Fat Thor so much, like not in just a make him laugh way, in like a serious meaningful way. He like lol, he deeply understood Fat Thor.

024. It makes me very very very very sad to think that I probably won’t get to make him laugh for a long time, maybe never again. That hurts. I do love when he laughs hard.

025. When we told Bill and Renate. Mm. Bill started asking reasonable questions, ones I hadn’t asked because they’d seemed too obvious but were helpful to hear out loud. But Renate. Mm. That’ll make me cry. Renate just immediately seemed so sad, like so physically saddened. And I think maybe that’s been the kindest moment of this whole thing. The kindest to me anyways. I love her and I really believe she loves me, loved the two of us together.

026. We stayed at Carlsons’s on Thursday night. Their old mattress on their living room floor. Got in a goofy fight right before we fell asleep because Beans had snuggled into Omar’s legs and he was whisper yelling at me not to bother the cat and so I chucked his phone. When I tattled to Bekah the next morning he said, “I fell asleep before I could be nice.”

027. Next time I order sweet tea in a drive thru I know I’ll cry about it.

028. Strawberry tea. He wanted milk in it, but didn’t take any because he didn’t want to offend June’s sensibilities. Mm. I do love him for the ways he would show June respect. He surprised me.

029. The night he got Depop and scrolled forever.

030. I’ve been wearing the earrings Dad gifted all us girls for Christmas since it happened. Keep putting them on as like, a defense. A comfort. A reassurance. A reminder that I’m loved by others outside of this mess.

031. OOH, the itty bitty whozit whatzits he made out of tiny scraps he came across when he was a janitor at that factory. Small faces.

032. The way he was around Elliott.

033. How he reminded me of Dan AND Zion, somehow combined into a troublesome dreamy wonder boy.

034. It’s going to be really hard to do the things we all usually do together without him. Morning devos, eating meals, prepping/cleaning up for them, and cleaning cabins.

035. He’s just my best friend. My actual closer to me than anybody maybe ever best friend. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to just keep being a person if he isn’t going to be somewhere close by. I don’t know how to feel so far away from somebody I love this way. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

036. He was saying last week that like, saying that his greatest fear in all this is that people are going to believe he doesn’t care about me um that I’m going to believe that. And mm, I’m really trying to not let that BS into my head. Trying to believe he would of stayed if he could of. That there was no other option for him. Not one that he could fathom. But it’s hard. It’s hard to put he cares and he left next to each other and understand both.

037. Seeing anybody else kiss makes me painfully aware that I don’t know if we’ll ever kiss again. An uncontrollable pang.

038. Marriage is now gonna be so stupid upsetting to me.

039. Had to edit his contact in my phone from Cool Boyfriend™ to Omar. Mm, I know I’m Ang<3lla in his, something like that. Wonder if/when he will change it.

040. Waiting for him to reach out to me. Can’t talk to him first. Could actually but won’t. If he misses me he should do something about it. Mm but I know it’s not in his nature. Like he’s more likely to say nothing, to not bother me, to let me have the space I need to take to feel okay. That’s what he will consider it. He probably won’t fathom what I consider it. To me it will feel like him being fine without me. And that is something I cannot prove wrong, only he can. If he wants to. If it’s even possible to prove it wrong. To me it feels like a clean cut, like him seeing this as a part of his life that is over now. I do not want it to be over, so if that’s not what he wants I hope he does something about it. Because if he doesn’t do anything, I’m going to take his silence as disregard. I’m going to let him carry on as I try to too.

041. Went to lay in his Prayer Chapel to mourn his going but once I got there I didn’t want to. It was just an empty room. I told it so. “You’re just an empty room he isn’t in anymore.”

042. I will miss what he has to say about God. His questions and his realizations. I will hear other people talking and know what he might say. I will not say it. He would say it better than I ever could.

043. I read his note to Steve. Couldn’t help it. Said something at the end about how he hopes he can come back someday? To Sky Lodge? When he can contribute? I might of killed him if he’d written that in his note to me. Would have had a hard time forgiving him for a scrap of hope. The current silence is a relief because while it isn’t what I would choose it is what I expected. Nice of him behave how my insecurities told me he would.

044. I’m not angry, but if I am it’s because sadness is debilitating and anger gives you somewhere to put the knife.

045. Reading a book on my tummy while he lays his head against my back and plays with his guitar. The sun is shining and nobody cares how close we are except for us and we like it.

046. The stupid fucking rap dance he does when he’s got headphones in. Muted mouthing the words to something cool I probably don’t know.

047. Mm. Soon comes the torturing myself with imagining what it might be like if he surprise came back. If he crawled into my bed like he’d never woke me up from it, never rushed told me he was there to say goodbye, never kissed me before my eyes were really open. He was struggling and started to walk to the front door then turned back around to hold me again to tell me how hard this was and that he loved me? That he loved me so so much? And then he actually left. And I don’t want to describe what I did then because it was fucking awful and I hope I forget about that morning completely. I hope I forget it and replace that part of my head with a sweet fucked up pretending what it could be like when the part of him that loves me so so much convinces him to crawl into my bed. Holding onto the hope that part of him exists.

048. I read his love note again last night and made it through without crying. Already. Just two days have passed and part of me is already harder than I thought it could be. I’m going to resent that note soon if the silence continues. I’m going to hate it for what it says. If you love me then where are you?

049. Jess just asked if I would come over for supper and I said no. Said I couldn’t wait to be in my bed. She seemed hurt but then said, “Can I bring you supper or do you have food in your house?” So I tearfully said that would be nice because it would. This is what I mean. How do I let anybody else take care of me that isn’t him? How the fuck does one go on?

050. I’m glad that he will not be so far away from his mother anymore. I’m so so glad for that.