#I can’t complain because I’ve survived worse

[trammellesstangent]

(Sorry about the pouring out my doubts in the tags.)

Well obviously I can’t have chronic fatigue, that’s a real problem for real disabled people that’s diagnosed by doctors probably. Clearly I just have some sort of perpetual exhaustion issue, that is also almost certainly my fault somehow

[tomatoluvr69]

Brief check in re: Helene. TLDR I’m alive but my world has been upended and I’ll be off this website for awhile, even if I wanted to we barely have communications in our flood ravaged city. Don’t read this if you have any sort of disaster trauma I guess, I probably should’ve kept this shorter but it kind of got away from me. I may delete/edit later but I don’t really have the capacity for self censorship At the moment, i guess it was good for me to get some of it out stream of consciousness style? Lol idk guess I’m just using my blog as a blog. Anyways I lived bitch

Hi guys, thanks to the couple people who messaged me checking if I was ok, I don’t really have capacity or time to reply to them all, but I’m doing ok all things considered. Basically I live in Western North Carolina and our city has been utterly shattered by flooding after Hurricane Helene. We made it safely to Durham but we are going back tonight with a car full of mutual aid supplies like childrens medicine and chainsaw fuel and cooking oil. I don’t really have the words to describe what I’ve been going through, being cut off from all communications and information for days and have no way to reach your loved ones, to walk through a friend’s house to try to reach their water and food stash and look up at the tree in the ceiling, to stand on a railroad bridge and look down at an entire neighborhood swept away, to know that your family back home hasn’t heard from you in four days and has no way to know if you’re dead. Five people with one degree of separation to me drowned in flash floods, including two children. A college friend had his entire home swept down the river. It’s just all so uncertain. I cry at nothing. Wandering around unscathed Durham and watching people mow their lawns and go to brunch has been a surreal dream and I can’t believe I am going back. But we got some clean underwear, our first shower, and I even got my favorite taqueria order, a torta de lengua and Jesus Christ you can’t imagine how good that tasted

We’ve been without power for 10 days and the water is likely to be out for weeks, the groundwater people are using to drink and bathe may be contaminated by chemicals from manufacturing plants and you just have no way of knowing, and because the city’s water and septic systems were obliterated there is going to be untold amounts of human waste and waste-borne diseases threatening public health, we just don’t know yet. My brain and body have been wracked by it all, there are times when I am somewhere safe and feel mentally calm but note with this weird sense of detachment that my body is trembling. It’s just indescribable to have your city be unrecognizable and underwater, I’m really shaken. Before we got some texting capacity back, if your roommate just failed to come home one night, you had no way to know that she wasn’t killed out there. We will be without drinking water for weeks when all this is over but that’s peanuts compared to the cars you pass by with the search and rescue symbol for “we found a body here” painted on them.

All of which is just to say I’m alive but things are still very bad and I’ll be without reliable communication for the foreseeable future, not to mention no water, and so obviously I’ll be off here awhile. I’ll be back soon enough complaining about mundane inconveniences but frankly it’s difficult to even talk to anyone outside of Helene’s destruction, I’m going to be reeling for a long time. Don’t reblog this because I won’t have the capacity to monitor this post but I guess donate to the Asheville Survival Project if you have the inclination, that’s a way for people like me who are relatively unscathed to get direct needs like formula, insulin, underwear, and shelf stable goods directly into people’s hands who fared worse, without jumping through the impossible hoops of things like FEMA. But I’ll probably be stepping back from mutual aid stuff to support my best friend who is now responsible for arranging the burials of a family of four, including his friend/coworker and her two boys, whose upcoming wedding he was going to will now be their combined funeral date. It’s really insane out here and leaving the stability of Durham with its electricity, grocery stores, toilets, and internet is honestly a bit devastating. But weirdly it will also be a relief to be back in a place where the grimness in your heart is not at odds with your surroundings and you talk to people without preface, with dirty hair and dirty clothes and break down in tears in any given conversation with a stranger, if that makes sense? I also can’t really imagine evacuating cause that’d be incredibly jarring in a different way. It’s so hard to explain. I’m so irritable and angry and numb all the time. I’m yelling at the person who loves me most in the world, so many of the emotional issues I had before this exploded to a boiling point in shocking and unpredictable ways. I go around floating in a daze.

But I’m very, very lucky to be alive and none of my loved ones killed, I just don’t really know what the next few weeks will hold and if, like, cholera is gonna break out, or people I know will die of things like food allergies because they can’t get a new epipen. There’s absolutely no way to convey what this survivor’s guilt is like, of having survived through sheer random luck of the draw. And the things I have seen with my own eyes will never leave me, and the gruesome phone calls I sat with my friend as he received, with the trauma unfolding in waves as the family’s bodies were identified one by one, and all the graphic details we absorbed of the eyewitness account of their panicked attempts to escape the floodwaters before they were swept to TN. I did not witness it but I cannot shake it. I can’t go more than a few minutes before the phrases ring through my head again. And I work at a school and I have no way of finding out if all my students survived, because they are children without their own contact info, until the school is able to contact me with any deaths. That uncertainty is weighing tremendously on my shoulders right now and I can’t believe I’m sitting in a cafe and I still don’t know the extent of the death toll or if the kids I’ve known and worked with every day for so long we’re able to escape their homes.

I guess just keep Western NC in your thoughts, the devastation is going to take years to crawl back from, but also keep paying attention to Gaza, the trauma and devastation there is so much more unimaginable and this has given me a new perspective on what it’s like to watch from afar as people continue their lives while yours is unrecognizable. Idk how much longer I’m gonna have the capacity for mutual aid stuff here but I’m going to try. I may yet decide to evac, but you must understand this is my home and my community, and I want to be here to support my closest friend through this unimaginable loss, and the fact that he is responsible for arranging all four of their burials. Unless the city orders non essential personnel to leave then I will probably stay.

And there are of course moments of levity and fun, especially before we found out about the people, like breaking into a NC state extension agricultural experiment field and stealing some veggies off the vine, or cooking up big giant feasts of whatever we could save from the fridge.

I’ll check back in when I can and if any of you guys also live in southern Appalachia and need to be put in touch with aid I’ll check my DMs here when I can, we can get people out to you with whatever you need. But yeah just keep us in your thoughts I guess, things are still really bad. I’m going back to shop for more mutual aid stuff but then we’re leaving again but I’ll check in when the internet’s back I suppose

Eat a nice hot meal for me, don’t take ice cubes or your shower for granted, and watch something pretentious. xoxoxoxoxox ur favorite natural disaster survivor, tomato lover sixty nine

[xxnomadsxx]

Nomads AU! that before timeline I’ve been procrastinating but now I have to finish…Sorry

Once all the bros (plus Poppy) get on Rhonda Branch immediately regrets coming along. His brothers immediately try to get to know him, which starts out wrong as they ask him a bunch of very personal questions but over the trip he starts to actually get along with his brothers (he could do without the babying) but he starts to relight that hope of getting his brothers back as he and them are getting along!(finally)..until he finds out how Floyd is trapped

He didn’t actually hear the plan on how to save Floyd, all he heard was “Floyd in danger” but now he has to sing?!?! He quickly denies singing and says he will get Floyd out of there and they can sing and save him. The bros are shocked why is Bitty B acting like this he loves to sing. Poppy makes the situation worse because she keeps questioning him on it and why he is grey (and lowkey kinda insulting him) She then says stuff like “your a pop troll you have to sing it’s who you are!!” or “why are you being so grey about this come on can’t you just try and be happy.” The bros don’t interfere in the two fighting as they are talking amongst themselves on what they would do since Branch isn’t going to sing…Eventually they decide “Hey if we practice as a family I bet bitty b will realize how good it is to sing as a family again” then John breaks out the Brozone stuff they get there band gear together…John immediately tries to have Branch wear a diaper and Branch threatens to hit him (yea not the best move Johnny) so the band tries to practice but Branch just sorta sits to the side. Then John stops the song and gets on everyone’s case then complains that branch needs to start singing which Branch denies (this looks bad but to be fair he hasn’t sung in years because of his grandma and him thinking his singing is the reason the band broke up he doesn’t want anyone to leave because of it) Then Clay would speak up call John bossy blah blah blah say branch is scarier and taller now blah blah licensed cpa blah blah then the argument ends with the brothers saying “after we rescue Floyd we go our separate ways” this absolutely smothered whatever hope he had at the brothers coming back in his life. I mean they had the audacity to beg him to perform with them then once he thinks they can be a family again they want to…. TO ABANDON HIM AGAIN!!???!!!?!!! He absolutely loses it on them (rightfully so) they left him and didn’t come back, they left him to die ,they left grandma to die by the very thing he hates, they left him to be outcasted to be forced to fight to SURVIVE every single day, to be scared of EVERYTHING to lead a village to make acts he’s ashamed of… them leaving CAUSED EVERYTHING..when he tells them what he went through that he’s “sorry” he wants his family back the only family he had left and that he honestly whishes they just never showed up on his doorstep, that they should just pretend he is dead like they’ve done for 20 years so he can leave there lives completely…

Branch leaves the bus to get promptly chased down by Poppy (who currently got slapped in the face of reality and how bad Branch’s life is, and currently is having her world shattered that he LIVED IN THE VILLAGE!! And no ever talked about him how he and his suffering was forgotten and ignored by EVERYONE!!) she chases him down asking him if he is ok and Ned’s to talk about it (she’s learning!!!!) Branch immediately tells her to leave just like everyone else has in the past.. and Poppy was surprised by his answer. She said she wouldn’t leave him that she needs to make this right for what her people did and that he needs help to get Floyd. Branch (reluctantly) agrees with her and they go to save Floyd

After they did a bunch of cool breakin stuff they would get to the dressing room lo and behold Floyd!! immediately Branch goes down to greet his brother …….who didn’t recognize him (to be fair Branch looks completely deranged and wildly different) at this point I wouldn’t blame the guy if he just started crying, I mean I would. Poppy trying to fix the situation would tell Floyd it was Branch (who currently look distraught and reeeelllyyy sad) Floyd was shocked to say the least and quickly tried to push down his many MANY burning questions as he tried to hug his brother through the wall separating them, Branch does hug back! but then Velvet and Veneer come in and quickly break up the moment as Branch quickly tackles Poppy off the table swinging them to the vent before they where spotted.

At this point Velvet and Veneer had the brothers and were going to kill them at this rate with how much they were being used! Until- Branch came out of nowhere attacking Velvet (Branch can fight, we know he can fight why didn’t he fight during the actual fight in the movie it was basically a game of keep away!?!?) he would get the diamonds out of Velvet as Poppy and Viva get veneer (I forgot to mention viva showed up) Gristle and Bridget weren’t at the show since the whole Bergen thing hasn’t come up yet sooooo… Anyway Branch knows the only way to save his now dying brother from his diamond cage is to sing so he does for the first time in 20 years he sings so do the rest of the brothers (Branch actually feels happy for the first time in a while) He gets more vibrantly colorful as he sings feeling loved by his family(still grey just lighter) anyway harmony was harmoning and they saved Floyd..,,till he dropped to the ground and looking very translucent. The brothers go to Floyd. Branch confesses that he built the bunker just without the waterslide and Floyd woke up saying “but..how will we shower!” And day saved Booyah!!!

The timeline goes the same as whatever happens after the movie with the nomads au besides a few changes Poppy doesn’t leave Branch alone about singing (he goes immediately back on his vow of not singing) the brothers are very overprotective of Floyd (because he u know.. died!) and now Branch as well (he replaced them twice and has suffered for years because of them they feel pretty bad and try and make up for it anyway they can) Branch went back to the village and has less of a hard time leaving. Overall the rest stays the same.

[lizzyscribbles]

I got a little MHA ramble on the mind that’s been brewing for a few days and I wanna talk about it.

Lizzy’s MHA Ramble of the Morn: The Concept of “Saving” Someone and How MHA Uses It

Since the manga ended, I’ve heard a lot of people complain about how the League of Villains met their ends and how Deku didn’t save Tomura so screw him (again, to that I say, CAN I PLEAD HE IS SIXTEEN, A WHOLE ASS CHILD HE DID THE BEST HE COULD, but that’s besides the point. Moving on). So because of that, the ending sucks. And that’s a valid take for the most part, but I’d like to offer an alternative.

I think when we hear the term “I want to save them” or anything to that effect, we automatically go “oh, save their life, like they don’t die”. However, I don’t always think that’s the case. I mean, USUALLY it is, but in this scenario, maybe it wasn’t.

I’m coming at this from the context of the story, like no changes before this just taking the story as it is. I’m also thinking of this as realistically as I can in the context of the universe. Let’s say they all survived. Let’s say they managed to beat AFO and the rest of the league survived, what then? Assuming they don’t go on the run for the rest of their lives, and let’s be honest what kind of life is that, they’d be charged. Because, no matter what, they HAVE killed an absurd amount of people and caused irreparable damage to the country of Japan. Yes, they are traumatized, yes, they’ve been through a LOT of shit that isn’t their fault, but I don’t think that’d be a good enough reason to just let them go free. I think it should absolutely be taken into account when deciding what to do with them, but realistically what do you do with a gaggle of mass murders?? Just setting them free isn’t going to cut it by any stretch of imagination. I’ve heard it said that an author’s job is to create realistic fiction, meaning that your world makes sense within itself and doesn’t make your audience go “there’s no way that could happen”, and I think if the league were just set free, that’s probably the reaction a lot of people would have had. I mean, we see that with Endeavor. He SHOULD HAVE been tried for what he did, it’s not fair he wasn’t.

Toga says as much before she dies. I think it’s part of the reason she did what she did. She knew that, if the heroes won, she’d be going to jail, or at least be on the run for the rest of her life. I mean, just look at what happened to Spinner, that’d have been Toga too probably. She decided that being able to save Ochaco’s life was worth more to her. And you know, I can’t really blame her for that. Who wants to be locked in prison for the rest of their life? She went out the way she wanted to and I think she liked it that way. I think Ochaco did save her, maybe not in the way she wanted to, but it was the way Toga wanted to.

I think the same could be said for Tomura. He’s the head honcho of this entire operation, with AFO’s influence of course, but a lot of decisions he did make on his own. We see him split from AFO in the final battle, so we know he has his own mind still in there, and it clearly wants to destroy heroes still. So imagine if he WAS captured. At the least, he’d get life in prison, at most, he’s getting the death penalty, and how is that any better?? Tomura died, yeah, but I don’t think he died in vain or was particularly unhappy about it. I think All Might was right when he said that Izuku saved Tomura after all. Tomura got to see his family, he got to pay AFO back to some degree, and he got to finally grow out of being that scared little kid. It’s a different kind of saving than we’re used to, he doesn’t get to live, and yeah, that still hurts, but I think life would’ve been so much worse for him afterwards. He did get saved, just not in the way Deku wanted him to be.

You can’t change the past, what’s done is done, but you can decide what you do going forward.

I think we often confuse a sad ending with a bad ending. And, honestly, fair enough, because they usually come hand in hand. But, I think if this story was just la de da, sunshine and rainbows, everyone survives, it wouldn’t have had the impact it did. Horikoshi chose to write his story this way, and while it is sad, I think the way he did it really fits. Does it make me want to cry? Yes. Could some of the heroes have died to balance it out? Yep! Do I miss the league of villains and wish that they survived? ABSOLUTELY. But, I don’t think the fact that they didn’t makes it a bad story or a bad ending.

Let me end by saying this, you are fully welcome to dislike the ending! You are fully welcome to disagree with this take, it’s just a few thoughts that have been running around in my brain! Come up with your own opinions, play around with your thoughts, and see what you might’ve wanted to happen! Personally, I’d have loved to see the League get a little lakeside house where they could live out their lives together and be happy, and I think that’d have been a lovely ending, but I can want them to be happy and respect the canon ending at the same time. Horikoshi is an excellent storyteller, and I admire his ability to keep track of SO MANY complex characters and plot lines. I think he did an excellent job with this story, and I hope he keeps creating because I really admire what he’s done.

Mostly, what I’m trying to say is, don’t be an asshole because someone else likes the ending and you don’t, or vice versa. Hopefully, that’s common sense, but who knows.

And remember, part of the fun of being in a fandom is getting to come up with your own ideas, so don’t let canon get in your way, have fun! I love to see what everyone else comes up with. :)

[superstarcherrycolagirl]

wanted to request a julien baker angst fic if u felt like it :) maybe a fight + reconciliation or julien comforting gf going thru something? tysm

omg anon THANK YOU SO MUCH! i think added way too much angst than you expect (i got so carried away) but i hope you like it :)

you’re losing me

julien baker x fem!reader/ 1.2k words

idea: you’ve been fighting for tjis relationship for so long, that you just can’t do it anymore

tw: angst, fighting, swearing, both are SO TOXIC yikes, crying

note: i’ve been listing to too much of “midnights” and “ttpd”.. so i might have mixed loml + you’re losing me + so long, london (if you squint) SO SORRY YALL AHHH! but yay first julien request EEEEK! i do love my angsty girl so I hope y’all enjoy

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

“you promised you’d be here tonight!” “i never promised anythi-” “yes you did! you promised me that we’d make dinne-” “what the hell are you talking about?” this is what your evenings looked like. fighting back and forth. julien just arrived home from the studio today, and she’s been prickly all night long. and you’ve been impatient.

for months julien was leaving for the studio at the crack of dawn and coming home later than midnight. she would leave for tour for on end months, mores shows being added for her and the boys, and then come back home to do more work. you’ve been barely surviving off of kisses and updating each other on life during awkward phone calls, or worse, conversations with her at home. barely being together is already an tough pill to swallow, and then coming home in a bad mood every time?

you’re tired. so tired.

“i don’t understand why you’re acting like this. i’ve be-“ “i’m not acting like anything! honey you’ve been the one coming home in a shitty mood every single time!” “shitty mood? baby i’ve been working non stop on-” “on the album! the tour! the awards! i know! you’ve been running yourself ragged and your-” “oh my fucking god can you let me speak! christ! i can’t even speak without you talking all over me!” julien raised her voice, her firm and sharp words echoing in your LA home. the words in your mouth got caught in the back of your throat.

you’ve always had trouble advocating for yourself and using your voice to communicate your emotions, to be vulnerable. and julien was one of the main reasons why you could now freely express your feelings. so her yelling at you for just trying to be honest is like a punch to the gut.

your eyes stated to become glossy and your once caught words melted to created a soreness in your throat. you couldn’t help it. you tried to speak, but your words were breathy and dry.

“jules.. m’s-” “no! no you don’t get to fucking cry! y-you don’t get to cry when you started this whole thing! not when i’ve been the one getting out of bed every morning to fucking bring a meaning to my fucking life. i work and work and work until i’m basically killing myself just so that i can continue being there for the people who count on me! for the people who need me!” she’s breathing heavily, chest rising and falling so fast you thought she’d fall over. she’s fuming.

on the other hand your breaths are so slow and choppy, that it’s making your face and nose feel tingly. numb. you aren’t breathing enough, literally. you tried to open your mouth again, but she snapped at you before you could. and this time her words made your heart sink “so don’t fucking complain to me about not being home. you don’t get it because you can’t even get out of bed! you don’t get to tell me that i’m bad for trying to help others like me! who need me! you don’t fucking get it. and you won’t until you get up and out of the house and do something about it!” she said with a final huff, cheeks red and sweaty fists clenched.

silence fell between the both of you. you didn’t know what to say. what could you say? she basically said you won’t ever understand her life because she always needing to be there for others with because of her work. because of her art. she can connect with people and care for the ones who she’s helped. they count on her.

so why can’t you? why can’t she be there for you when you need her.

your ears were ringing, fingers shaking, soul aching. you expected your heart to be pounding outside of your chest, but it wasn’t. you expected to feel your heart beat and scream inside your body from how much you were hurting, but you couldn’t feel it. you couldn’t feel your heart beat for this life, for this love, for her. you couldn’t feel your heart beat, and without that heart beating there was no pulse to find, because that heart won’t start up. and you don’t think it will again.

“i can’t do this anymore julien” your voice broke the silence and filled the chilling air “i can’t keep living like this. i can’t keep waking up every morning and falling asleep every night without your there not know how long it will be like this, not until it’s too late” you couldn’t believe those words were coming out of your mouth, you never expected them to “i gave you everything i had because i thought you cared just as much as i did. you care so much about other people, you care so much to recognize them for who they are. you care so much to listen to them. you care so much to be there for them,” your emotions were building up until you couldn’t keep it in anymore. “i get it! i get it because i need you there too! i’ve been needing you for so long! and i’ve waited and waited and i’ve never complained because i thought that the time would come around where you would just be here! and you know what? it hasn’t happened yet! and i’m so tired!” you’re voice was watering, fighting off the to cry. you took a deep breath, trying to regain yourself enough tk finish “i’m so.. tired. of all of this. and i know now that you’re tired too” you spoke to julien directly to her face, really looking into her eyes for what you think will be the last time.

now her eyes were glossy, tears threatening to leak and stream down her face. she was speechless, feeling like all the life was drained from her body head to toe. how did she get here? standing in the house she built together with you and dreamed of growing old in.. to this? on the brink of losing the love of her life.

“baby..” “..julien” you wouldn’t even call her by her pet names. you couldn’t. you couldn’t keeping holding on when you still feel so hollow. you needed to stop. this needed to stop “i have to go, i’ll.. i’ll call someone to get my stuff out later” you start making your way to the front door “what-no! baby pleas-” she grabbed your wrist, trying to bring you back to her. she doesn’t want to lose you. she can’t. she stopped you just before you reached the door, but you quickly turned to her and placed your hand on top of her wrist “julien you need to let go-” “i can’t let you go! w-we can talk about this. fix us! baby i-i can’t lose you! i won’t!” the desperation in her eyes and pleading cries made you tremble, wanting to comfort her. but you tore her knuckle dying grip off you as you opened the door, looking at her one more time to see the tears rolling down her face. you wanted to run back in and hold her. kiss her. love her. be there for her. be here with her. but you knew that couldn’t happen, because you couldn’t find that pulse between you anymore. it was gone. you had to let her go, because she was already doing so.

“you already did julien..”

I can’t find a pulse, my heart won’t start anymore.

[thenewestxmen]

D&W fic part 5!!

Chapter 5: confessions

I calmed down when I got in the car with Wade and Laura, driving back to the apartment, the window rolled down. I don’t really regret telling Wade to leave me. He should. I don’t want him to pity me, and I don’t want to put him in a situation where he has to humor me. I will not put wade in the same position as Scott and Jean. As we approach the apartment, Wade resting a reassuring hand on mine, the twinge of anxiety gets louder, but at least it’s not as loud as when we were at the restaurant. The horrifying explanation Wade had to give to the waiter when she asked if I was ok. He said something about PTSD, I don’t know. Jean and Scott’s yelling was still ringing in my ears. Both Laura and Wade stick to my sides as they both lead me to the apartment. Up the stairs, through the door, and past a complaining Al. I’m just being dramatic, that’s all. I’m too dramatic, getting worked up on some past relationships. Wade makes me sit at the kitchen table, standing in front of me close, rubbing my legs, hmm, familiar.

“Peanut?”

“I’m sorry…”

“What?”

“I’m so damn sorry. I’m over dramatic, getting worked up. And in public too, I’m sorry.” I don’t really know what else to say, I mean what would you say to the man you love, who shouldn’t love you unless they had a wish to end up in bad situations, coming from an absolute mess because I can’t figure out how to man up in public?

“Honey, no… you weren’t being dramatic. Peanut, you have been weird all week, all month even, and you just rode by without showing what was wrong. If you can do that, then something must be wrong. Please peanut, please tell me what’s wrong.” 

Laura walks behind me, wrapping her shoulders around my neck.

“Yeah dad, please. We just want to help.”

“I’ve heard ‘we just want to help,’ and ‘why won’t you let me help’ one thousand times… they always end up with someone hurt. I’m so sorry I’m putting you through this, but I can’t tell either of you. I won’t… I can’t do that because if you knew, it would only pressure both of you to stay…” I try and explain best I can without the pangs of anxiety. What I did not expect was for Wade to burst into tears. A feeling of shame builds up next to the anxiety. I can almost hear what Wade is about to say next in my head. ‘Logan! You see what you’ve done to me?! You can’t tell me what’s going on, you can’t trust me?’ But Wade doesn’t say that.

“I’m so sorry.” I have no clue which is worse. I jump from my seat and wrap my arms around Wade.

“No! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m a mess. I love you so much. I love you so much and I don’t want you to feel pressured into staying with me… I want to tell you what’s going on so badly but it will only pressure you.” I turn to Laura, “you too…” 

I really don’t want this to end badly. The relationship I had with Jean and Scott ended so badly, they ended up dead. The day they died, I had finally stood up to them. “You both use me, you both don’t care, I don’t need both of you!” I yelled for 10 minutes before Jean started to cry… the shame was almost overwhelming. I headed to the nearest bar after that. But the humans came…

When I found their bodies, they were tear stained, lifeless. I couldn’t have simply sucked it up and stayed then maybe they would be alive. I would’ve never gone to that bar, I would’ve been there to fight and maybe, they would have survived. It’s always my fault. 

I wipe wades tears, not sure what else to do. What is there for me to do? 

“Logan, please tell us, please! There is nothing on earth that would make me want to leave you, or pressure me to stay, your sugary tits are already enough persuasion already.” He says with a small teary laugh. I don’t know what I want to do, I really do want to tell Wade and Laura, get the mess of my past off of my chest. Would it be so bad to tell them? I want to so badly, and maybe… just maybe, if Wade really loved me he will stay, even with knowing how I screwed up my relationship with Jean and Scott. 

“I really want to tell you both…”

“Then tell us… we just want to help.” Laura says, linking her arms in mine. The twinge of anxiety and guilt only grows, I know that if I don’t tell someone about this soon, I’ll be right back to jumping to every bar, every fight, every gunshot, just like in my universe. Wade leads me to the couch, Laura next to me. 

“Alright. I can’t take it anymore.” I say. Laura and Wade both look at me with a mixture of concern and relief. It’s true though, I really can’t take it. I need it all out of me, the twinge of anxiety has grown to a wave, hitting me at the worst moments. As I start, a ball of anxiety builds up in my throat at the points I’m most anxious and shameful about.

“A couple years ago, I was in a ‘relationship’ with Scott and Jean, it didn’t really go well. I wasn’t grateful because they loved me as pity. It wasn’t really them, it was just them getting anger out. They mostly acted like my teammates and friends for the most part, but when they would ‘love’ me, they would be in that casual relationship with me. When I told them I didn’t want to be in the type of relationship I was in, they got angry because they were going through trouble just to make me happy. Which is why I’m so nervous you will leave me, or pity me. I love you both so much. And I’m just a big ungrateful mess. Jean and Scott both died right after I told them I didn’t want that relationship and left. When I came back, I could tell they were both heartbroken…” I say, Wade curled up on me, holding me tightly. It’s getting harder to fight back tears. I try and continue, but with Laura and Wade but holding me, and that ball of words stuck in my throat, it’s hard to work out which words will come out next.

“They… I wanted to… they hurt me.” I manage. Probably not my top pick to say next but I’m a complete mess and unable to do anything right.

“What?” Wade says, pausing.

“Jean and Scott… they made me do things that I really didn’t want to do… when I refused to, they hurt me… I have a healing factor so it’s not a big deal, but it still didn’t feel good. When they both saw that hurting me physically didn’t work, they yelled. They yelled because I was ungrateful. They both would yell because they took the time to pity me and try their best to help me and make me happy. But I was ungrateful.” I say, each word flooding out of my mouth even when I don’t want them to. Laura and Wade exchange looks.

“Peanut, of course you have been acting weird all month… I love you so much I’m so sorry… it isn’t your fault, they didn’t deserve you.” Wade says, nuzzling his face in my neck, Laura almost dumbfounded. This is harder than expected. I just told my daughter that I had been hurt in the few years prior and she has to watch my boyfriend try his best to make me feel better about this. 

“Laura?”

“Dad… guess you were hurt a little more than just some memory issues and some claws huh…?”

“I guess so. But I saw it coming. I should have just gone alone with what Jean and Scott wanted. Then they might be alive.” Jeez. I hate myself so much right now. Everything is really coming back, regurgitating out of me. Wade just holds me tighter. Laura clinging to my side.

“Peanut… it’s not your fault! It’s theirs! You should never ever be hurt by someone unless you find it kinky, then that’s another story- -“

“Gross.” Laura chimes.

“You should never be forced to do something you don’t want to. Laura and I love you peanut! I love you so much if anything were to happen to you I would force paradox to make you alive again even though he literally can’t but I would make him anyways even if it makes a hole in the fucking universe.” Getting a little off topic, but I appreciate the thought.

We talk for a couple more hours. I’m feeling much better about my relationship with my daughter and boyfriend. That night, Laura stays over, the three of us laying in the shitty pull out, Wade and Laura at my sides, there touch reassuring. As I drift off to sleep, the first thing I see is Scott. Great, one of these dreams. Scott is in my room preforming his show, but it’s a little different, he’s acting like Jean. Calling me ungrateful when I pull away from his kiss. It went on and on, until eventually, dream-me stood up, pushing Scott away, but I couldn’t stop myself from unsheathing my claws, pricing Scott’s chest. I push my claws in farther, pushing Scott to the wall. But after I simply blink, it’s not Scott anymore. It’s Wade. For some reason, healing factors aren’t a thing in my dream because Wade retches with blood, his big brown eyes flooded with fear. I retract my claws, catching Wade as he falls. I’m holding Wade just like… Jean when she died. When I found her body, sitting across my lap, tear stained. What did I do? What did I just do?! I wail and plead for Wade to wake up. Although it’s just a dream, I have no idea, it’s like the real Wade is laying across my legs, tear stained and lifeless. What did I just do?!

authors note; :))) I’m so sorry we are leaving it here, I’ll be back with the next part as soon as possible. I should be posting a bit more often bcs school is out for the next few weeks, so this is my only hobby! Anywho, I’ve hit writers block… again, I know it’s way too often I hit it, but ya know. Suggestions suggestions! I need them! So yeah, post soon!

[bonnyhoddie]

Accurate depiction of literally just the last run I was in

I have such a huge amount of respect for distractors, and I got Goob yesterday, so this was my second run with him.

My first was so good, there were 2 Pebbles and me, and I had to fully take over floor 6 instead of being emergency in case one got away or just to make extra sure nobody got hit, and got me and my team to floor 13, nobody died except for of their own free will except for the Pebbles (I think, 1 disconnected but I wasn’t looking when the other died) and, even then, floor 13, the Tisha I was with sacrificed themselves to Sprout (we also saw Vee on that run, my luck is always decent when I’m NOT Rodger) so we absolutely could have lasted longer if not for that, at most I would have lost Sprout a few times, but he’s huge, loud and slow, the Tisha could always avoid him until I got him back.

This run however…

Roblox broke my chat so I couldn’t talk in it so I couldn’t inform people that I was, in fact, TRYING to find the other one, or call anyone out on their bullshit (it happens when you get teleported to the game while typing or while the game thinks you’re typing)

Teagan and Astro were talking a whole lotta shit about me while literally leading the twisted AWAY from me. Floor 1? Brightney and Gigi, but I only knew it was Gigi because of capsules because no matter where I ran, I COULD NOT find her, because the bitches all kept getting found by her and took her to different spot in the map where I couldn’t see her, all the while, I get in chat:

“Goob distract, distract! I’m taking any meds!” - Astro

“This Goob kinda bad at distracting ngl” - Teagan

I was also trying to avoid Teagan because we have the same stealth so they’d start chasing her at any moment if I ever forgot that.

I honestly should have settled in one spot with just Brightney but I mostly didn’t. I did a little in the middle of the map hoping I could find the other twisted (again, despite all that running around, had no clue it was Gigi except for picking up a capsule at the end out of curiosity, that’s how bad the ‘leading them away from me’ thing was) but with Teagan I didn’t wanna risk blocking the path fully for her so I had to get back to running around.

Also, HOW is an Astro getting hit with 6-7 other people in the lobby and 5 star stealth? I get if movement speed is an issue (it’s not for Astro) as I typically play Rodger but, sometimes, it’s okay to let the twisted switch targets, I’ve quite literally died at times BECAUSE I didn’t want to lead them to people by accident, even though they definitely would have survived because they’ll be faster or closer to a place they can circle than I’ll be.

But yeah, can’t lie, because of them, I started getting reckless cause I didn’t want people to think I was bad because they were stupid and led them away from me, my bad LOL so I died on floor 4, which is SO embarrassingly short for me, even when I’m figuring out a new toon AND not used to distracting AT ALL, I can typically get to floor 10 before I have one of those moments where I just CANNOT lose them, but, Y’know what, if you wanna brag about distracting SHRIMPO as Teagan, how about you take Tisha too? Actually, you can take all of them while there are starters and Finn also in the game causing havoc and leading them to and away from you too and not being able to avoid them or lose them because, to no fault of their own, they’re new and are figuring out everything and don’t realise they can quite literally circle ANYTHING to lose them (except the bean bags in the projector map, I don’t trust them)

If you cannot do a simple job of avoiding Twisted and losing them (as Teagan, a 3 star movement survivalist, slow toons are completely valid in not being able to lose them) and are not going to help me and instead make my job worse so I can’t settle in a spot and just get into a flow where you can also safely avoid me, don’t complain about me being bad, learn to help your distractors better, or they’re just gonna struggle cause they’re gonna be getting ambushed in all the chaos of you not letting them do their job calmly, and die on an early floor.

Advice? Maybe, what I’VE found helpful anyway whenever I’ve played as Tisha, Razzle and now Goob: If you want to help distractors, then either just let them run for a bit, if you have higher stealth you can also follow (do NOT follow distractors too closely if you share stealth or lower) or just stay for a few seconds and trust them to find the twisted, or go as normal and keep an eye on distractor so if you ever get chased, you know where to take the twisted to.

If you see the distractor while being chased, either lose the twisted close to the distractor, or just run past/through them from BEHIND or the side, not in front, cause the twisted chasing you could run into the distractor, also be careful doing that if you share stealth (Tisha, Flutter, Razzle (odd floors) and Pebble all have 3 stealth, Goob is the only one with 2).

If you see the distractor doing small turns, like, they have to sprint just to keep a good distance, it’s best to avoid them entirely if you can, even if you have higher stealth, twisted can easily switch targets due to small turns. But also don’t be afraid to ask the distractor to move, cause, likely, if they’re blocking the path, it’s not a good spot anyway. Also, feel free to tell them to sprint a lil more if you feel the twisted are too close to them, it makes me anxious they’re gonna get hit too.

If you share stealth with the distractor, just try and avoid them as best as you can. Accidents happen where they switch to you, but just lose them as quick as possible and don’t stray too far from the distractor, otherwise the twisted will just go everywhere again and chaos will happen.

[chickensarentcheap]

Especially for you, @tragiclyhip because I know you love them together

@watermeezer @youflickedtooharddamnit @secretaryunpaid @bardic-tales

And anyone and everyone else of course :)

“Some of them are pretty deep. And I know you tried when you were in the shower, but there’s stuff stuck in some of them. Dirt or wood or something. Aren’t they sore?”

“They’re SCRATCHES. I’ve had a hell of a lot worse.”

“They’re a mess is what they are.” She picks up the tweezers; eyes narrowing as she leans over him and plucks pieces of debris out of one of the wounds. “Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t things supposed to go down in the city?”

“They did. In Laos.”

“I thought it was going to be the same in Cambodia. You let me read what Anil sent you. I’m pretty sure things were supposed to happen in Phnom Penh? How’d you end up going from there into the jungle?”

“There was a change of plans.”

She smirks. “Obviously.”

“You know how it is, things don’t always go the way we want.”

“I’d say nine times out of ten, they don’t. Seriously though, your face is a wreck. You should have gotten this all cleaned up hours ago. BEFORE you got on a plane home. What if they get infected? You don’t know what’s in that jungle. They could have some crazy poisonous plant life or something. What if you got into something like THAT?”

“I think it’s safe to say we’d know something like that by now. What are you so squeamish about? You’ve seen me in worse shape.”

“Now THAT’S an understatement. Have you ever thought I just don’t like seeing you banged up and scratched up? Have you ever thought maybe I’ve had just about enough of all of that? Can’t I nurse you back to health from something else for a change? Like...I don’t know...the man flu?”

“You always complain when I get sick. That I’m too needy.”

“I have never once said you’re too needy. I have, however, complained about how whiny you get. How you come down with a head cold and act like you’re dying. How do you go through the things you have and survive what you’ve survived, and think a cold will be the cause of your demise?”

“Hey, those colds get pretty bad.”

“Worse than…” Pausing, she sits straight up and drops the tweezers onto the bed, then soaks a cotton ball with peroxide. “...you know what? I’m not even going to finish that sentence because that will only bring bad juju. Talking about all of that? Revisiting it? Nothing good will come of that. And we need good juju, don’t you think?”

“Are you drunk?”

“Who? Me? No. Maybe. Just a little. Is a whole bottle of wine for oneself considered drunk?”

“For normal people, yeah. For you…”

“Look, I had a rough day. In fact, it’s been a brutal FOUR days. And right now? Well right now, I should be getting laid. Or at the very least, have my husband going down on me. And what I’m doing? Playing nursemaid. And not in a fun, sexy way either. Not the kind of playing nursemaid that comes with little outfits and orgasms.”

He grins. “You ARE drunk.”

“I’m just saying, I had other plans for this evening and picking pieces of the Cambodian jungle out of your face wasn’t part of it.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

“Mmm...hmmm…”

“And I’d rather be doing other stuff too, but…”

“But the shit hit the fan and everything got fucked up and you ended up doing God knows what, doing God knows where. I’m not even going to ask how it went. I think I’m scared to hear the answer. It was obviously a dumpster fire if you went from the capital city of Cambodia to the bowels of hell.”

“There were a couple...snags.”

She returns to the task of investigating and cleaning the various scratches that mar his face and neck. “Anil let on everything went great.”

“Probably just didn’t want to worry you.”

“Was there something for me to worry about?”

“Not as far as I’m concerned. I’ve been involved in way worse things. It was pretty straight forward. Two easy hits.”

“First one went okay?”

“Exactly the way it should have.”

“Second one?”

“I thought you weren’t going to ask?”

“You don’t want me asking?”

“I don’t care if you ask. You just said you weren’t going to because you were afraid of what you might hear.”

“Do I have anything to be afraid of?”

“Esme, seriously? Do you want to know or not? It wasn’t THAT bad. I’m here, aren’t I? In one piece?”

She nods.

“It honestly wasn't that big of a disaster. Things got a little fucked up. The second one didn’t go the way it should have. I had to make some decisions; change some shit around. The Mark wasn’t where he was supposed to be. I had to find out where he was and I had to figure out how to make things work.”

“Well good thing it WAS you that Anil asked. Because it probably would have been a lot worse. At least you know what you’re doing; you can think on your feet and stay calm and focused. A change like that? That would have thrown other people off. They probably wouldn’t have been able to get the second guy. They would have been too frazzled. That kind of change would have totally thrown them off.”

“Are you speaking highly of me, wife?”

“I am. I tend to speak very highly of you. All the time. To everyone. Even when I’m picking pieces of Cambodia out of your face.” She grabs the tweezers and unceremoniously inserts the tips into a large scratch at the side of his left eye; yanking out a piece of wood. “And it’s a nice face, by the way. So I don’t particularly like you coming home all messed up.”

“Like I said, I’ve had worse.”

“I will give you that.”

They lapse into a comfortable, companionable silence; his hands resting on her thighs as she continues to work at disinfecting and cleaning the scratches and her fingertips rub wound aftercare ointment into his skin. And he admires her as she does so. That steely look of determination on her face; lips set in a thin line and her eyes slightly narrowed and her hands steady yet gentle. And she looks so beautiful in that moment; in the mixture of moonlight and the glow given off by the bedside lamps. Hair pushed into a messy ‘up sweep’; held together by various clips -colourful and unicorn themed, ‘borrowed’ from Addie’s room- and bobby pins. Her face freshly cleaned and scrubbed; bearing the lingering scent of the grapefruit and pomegranate body wash she’d fallen in love with months ago. Clad in what she considers pyjamas; a faded and slightly tattered plaid button down shirt he’d worn during their Colorado days that is enormous on her tiny frame.

It’s been just over twelve years. Since he’d first laid eyes on her; standing on his front porch in The Kimberley in her little denim shorts and that yellow tank top that clung to her like a second skin. He’d known right away that he was in trouble; feeling things he hadn’t felt in a hell of a long time when she so much glanced in his direction and offered a small, almost nervous smile. And it would take him nearly ten years to admit what she’d probably known not long after their initial meeting: that his heart was hers from the very first day.

“You’re beautiful.” He says now, and a smile tugs at the corners of her mouth.

“Are YOU drunk?”

“I haven’t drank in five years. I’m truthful.”

“Maybe your eyesight is worse than you think,” she teases, and dabs a peroxide dampened cotton ball against the scratches on his forehead.

“Or maybe you just hate compliments. Even twelve years into things.”

“You know I don’t handle compliments well. Even now. I know that doesn’t make sense, considering we HAVE been together that long and you’re the master of compliments and sweet talk, but that’s just who I am. It’s just me.”

“I will break you yet.”

“You’ve been trying for over a decade. Same way you’ve been trying to make an honest woman out of me.”

[showtoonzfan]

I’ve seen some takes on people saying “creators are allowed to express their issues with people who shit on their work”, like…..yeah creators can do whatever they want but…..it was just a fucking analysis video on why two people thought the show wasn’t good anymore. That’s it. I actually think the real reason Viv was so ticked off from this vid is that unlike the other critique videos, these two people were also professional writers in the industry, so it made Viv feel VERY insecure and pissy and it shows. Like…“how DARE other writers not like my show? How dare other writers speak up about why they don’t think MY writing is good? That’s so mean GGGRRR!”

And guess what? Writers criticize other writers all the time Viv, welcome to the real world. She honestly has no right to even speak on the video anyway because she so obliviously didn’t watch it, or all the way through. Accusing them of “not just understanding how writing works” (or whatever bullshit excuse she wanted to use to hide the fact that she was clearly foaming at the mouth behind the keyboard) just shows that Viv just…doesn’t get it. What’s worse is that fans once again are putting words in her mouth and trying to speak on why she was so upset and defend her, and Viv ends up liking that tweet. I’ve seen people say that “you can criticize things without being a dick” and I’m sorry….as someone who watched the video….how were they being dicks? They were legit calm, understanding and straightforward throughout the entire thing, Viv just takes this all to heart. I think the one that ticked me off the most is that people are upset that they had said they felt like none of this was planned ahead, when VIV HAS LITERALLY ADMITTED THAT SHE DIDN’T PLAN THIS SHIT AHEAD. They’re literally fucking right LMAO. And finally, seeing that Viv has replied to people and only NOW at the last minute goes “oh yeah I guess I should say don’t harass anyone pls!”- like……Viv the deed is done. I know you’re not an idiot, you know your fanbase is batshit and once they see you upset they go feral to your defense so..yeah that doesn’t do anything, you knew exactly what you were doing.

What would be more helpful is to actually take down your shit fit unsubtle tweet but you can’t do that either because you love the attention and are desperate for your ego to be stroked so badly. The fact that a fan had to push her to even say not to harass anyone since she couldn’t do it herself since she is too blinded by her rage is sad. Yes creators are allowed to be upset but like others have been saying, do y’all see Rebecca Sugar hop to twitter to whine and bitch since her show has become a joke recently? No. Do y’all see the creators of Q-Force hop to twitter to bitch about their negative feedback? No. Do y’all see Dana Terrace hop to twitter to complain about the feedback she’s gotten for the Owl house? No. It’s called being a professional and not letting negative feedback get to you. It’s accepting that you’re going to get hate, criticism, and feedback and not taking it to heart. It’s a normal part of being a creator and writer, it happens to almost EVERYONE in the entertainment business, you’re going to get knocked down, you’re going to get criticized, and the best thing you can do is ignore it and keep moving forward, or acknowledge it and keep pushing yourself to be the best you can be. Viv on the other hand is so used to people grappling at her feet, babying her, pampering her and protecting her like some spoiled rich girl with too much power, so when someone in her eyes threatens her throne, she gets upset. Viv….if this is how you really react to feedback and criticism, then you need to wake up because this is how the real world works, and if you can’t do that, log off of twitter or just get off the internet completely since you obliviously don’t know how the internet works either. This woman won’t survive when Hazbin drops.

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

You know I’ve been thinking about the wall again and the General world building of RW/BY again and well I have thoughts so I’m going to share them. RWDE thoughts and opinions below.

So something that has never say right with me is the fact that a “sign” that Ironwood was always evil and always could not be trusted is the fact that the wall surrounding Mantel has been damaged. Why is this a sign of how evil and uncaring he is when…none of the other kingdoms even have a wall surrounding them. The first time we see a wall is in Argus in volume 6. It takes 6 volumes for us to even see a wall. But somehow we’re also supposed to believe that Ironwood is evil because he was struggling to maintain something no other kingdom even has. What’s worse is Atlas being the only kingdom to have a wall makes no sense because the whole point of people moving their was because the Grimm can’t survive the extreme cold. But this is also conveniently despite being the only kingdom with a wall in a place Grimm shouldn’t be able to survive that suffers from regular Grimm attacks.

I know the fndm likely harps so much on the wall because it’s literally all they have but even the damn wall scenario makes little sense and only serves to make Mantel look bad because they’re complaining about a thing being broken that no other kingdom has and then complaining when a work around they don’t like is being used. It’s not like Ironwood was leaving Mantel defenseless either he has soldiers and security cameras and a warning system for people to get inside when Grimm are detected (with both sounds and lights to ensure everyone notices when it’s going off) along with both soldiers and Penny responding extremely quickly to the situation and arriving to assist with eliminating the Grimm. Again this is not something we see the other kingdoms have. Vale seems to at least have an alarm but it does not notably have lights like Atlas does and as far as we see Haven has absolutely nothing in terms of an alarm system for Grimm.

Despite all of this though we’re just supposed to accept that it’s a “sign he was evil all long” because people are angry about soldiers peacefully patrolling to streets causing no issues with civilians whatsoever. We literally see civilians breaking into stores, stores of fellow Mantel residents struggling just as much as them, and throwing them into a fire pit and even began attacking the Atlesian knights whose response was to calmly to ask them to disperse while other members of sail military started calling and asking their higher ups what they should do. I need to emphasize this because it is so important civilians where being violent and instead of anyone’s first response being attack them or stop them with force like our police would do they where calm and asked their supervisors what to do.

And before everyone starts clutching their pearls screaming about how it proves how useless the army is or whatever just no full stop. This is how the police should handle an evolving situation. The two military personnel their didn’t have the full scope of the situation, they only knew what was happening right in front of them. They recognized it was best to reach out to someone who more likely had the full picture and could better advice how to respond. What if Grimm where in the area already and they needed to either leave the civilians or focus efforts on trying to get them to safety? What if they would better serve somewhere else that had more violence that needed more assistance? Taking a moment to confirm the best course of action is not a sign of incompetence but an understanding that situations like this can evolve and spiral quickly and just assuming the best course of action often leads to more problems not less.

CRW/BY’s attempts to make Ironwood look like a bad person are just pathetic. Like did they really not have a single real world example they could use to sell this? Could they really not look at how police in America where they operate and take some inspiration here? Their shitty world building makes Ironwoods turn even more unbelievable when you take more then half a second to analyze the situation.

If we want to see an example of a corrupt government that is done well just take a look at Andor (amazing show 10/10 recommend) the main character Andor is at once point arrested for the crime of standing on a public beach and looking at in the direction of a disturbance that is happening just like everyone else is. He is singled out for “looking suspicious” and charged with years of prison time for the crime of standing. He is then taken to an extremely corrupt prison that forces people, even the elderly and sick, to do hard labor all day and at the end of every day the group that had the lowest number of items produced is tortured as punishment for not being as fast as the other groups. It’s not even if they fall behind on production every day the slowest group gets this punishment. It is then later discovered that when a persons sentence is over they don’t even get to actually go, they’re merely transferred to another floor on bogus charges. And when word of this gets out to the floor he was transferred to, everyone on the floor is murdered.

And no the atlas arc didn’t need to go this hard and I don’t want them to, it’s just an example of this done correctly. Like we see a guy is arrested for vandalism, but instead of him being held longer then necessary he’s…released the same night. Far far faster then anyone in the us is processed and released. Someone I know who shouldn’t have even been arrested for what they did, the worst they could receive is a fine, and was took longer to get out then this guy did. We could have had for example prison labor used by the SDC and people receiving kickbacks for every person sent to the SDC and a corrupt group over punishing people for kickbacks (something that actually happens in the US). We could have seen some sort of pushback against the civilians when they turn violent but we get NONE of that. Any chance we get to show Ironwood having an “ironclad rule” or whatever is not used and in fact shows compassion and care. It’s a pisspoor set up for a fallen hero arc.

This went way off tangent from the original point but the whole wall scenario is just poorly done and utilized and makes little sense and that bugs me.

[lizisshortforlizard]

Living Dangerously - Chapter 34

Jurassic Park’s animal handlers: none of them ever mentioned by name in Michael Crichton’s original novel. Who were they? What were their lives like on Isla Nublar? Did any of them survive the disaster? A year in the life of those responsible for the care of the dinosaurs. Many people would kill to have their jobs. But would they die for it?

Jurassic Park novel/Jurassic Park film (1993)

Viewpoint: 3rd person female oc

Warnings: some swears, some alluded-to goriness

Tagging: @heresthefanfiction @ocappreciation @wordspin-shares @howlingmadlady @arrthurpendragon @themaradwrites @starryeyes2000 @kmc1989 (please lmk if you would like informed of my sporadic updates.)

Read on Ao3

Tarzan Boy - Baltimora

Chapter 33 | Chapter 35

Now, wait just a goddamn minute-

My raptor. Lizzy thought as she wrinkled her nose in offence. Tell her. Mine.

Lori shook Muldoon’s hand first, her mouth twitching in good humour as she looked him up and down. “You’re exactly what I imagined.”

Her gaze then rested on Lizzy. “But you aren’t.”

“Thanks?” She offered. 

“The ethologist from Africa, working as a shit-shoveller.” Lori continued. “Your name’s come up more than once on B.”

“Shut the fff-…ront door.” Lizzy remembered in the nick of time she’d better be polite to this woman, since the future of her raptor could be in someone else’s hands. “Nothing bad, I hope?”

Muldoon snorted quietly. 

“We could use someone like you, actually. Consider this a formal offer.” The embryologist announced. “Think about it.”

“You’re not here to recruit, Ruso. And, anyway, you can’t have her.” Muldoon sounded faintly annoyed. “I need her.”

Lori looked back and forth between her new acquaintances, standing far too close together to be just colleagues. Her eyes widened. Okay, now she got it.

Way, way more than friends. But trying to hide it. That was…intriguing.  

“I’m sure you do.” Lori nodded knowingly, already striding towards the Jeep. “Still pretending I’m just here for a site visit, Robert? Exchange programme?”

“Sort your face out.” Muldoon grumbled to Lizzy once the embryologist was out of hearing range. 

She quickly swapped her furrowed brow for an artificial smile. He recoiled. “Christ, that’s worse.”

***

On the road, Lori was busy complaining about Wu and Hammond, and pointing out all the ways in which Site B was different, and also, superior. Lizzy was quietly stewing in the back seat, pretending to be interested, because Lori had simply gotten into the front passenger side without even asking. That was her spot. 

Formal offer. Think about it.

Oh, I’ve thought about it, all right. She definitely wasn’t keen on Ruso and Muldoon haggling over who got to keep her, like she was some kind of an asset.

Your name’s come up on B.

Lizzy wondered if her reputation was for good science, or if the persistent rumours about her bedside manner had made their way over the water. She’d rather not find out.

Screw you, Ruso. 

Muldoon kept glancing at her in the rear-view mirror as he drove, and Lizzy just shook her head whenever he caught her eye. He might not have been paying any attention to Lori wittering on either, but that didn’t make the situation any less unbearable. 

In a quiet corner of the visitor centre, Lizzy vs Muldoon, Raptor vs Ex-Raptor, descended into chaos in record time. 

Lori made no effort to hide her massive eye-roll, listening to the back-and-forth. It had been less than five minutes. They seemed to have completely forgotten she was even there.

Dr Armstrong kept trying to butt in with how she’d apparently taught the raptor some so-called tricks. Muldoon, who Lori had pinned as the silent type, had plenty to say in counter-argument. He was adamant that ‘heel, down’ was not one of those tricks and never would be.

They were behaving like a married couple. Even their thinly-veiled insults were far too comfortable. Armstrong, though she seemed to be holding back for some unknown reason, was still spouting remarks that Lori wouldn’t dare to even think in front of a superior let. She decided to do the both of them a huge favour. 

“Guys, seriously!” She startled them into silence with her outburst. “What is this?”

“I don’t-“ Lizzy began.

“Look-“ Lori pointed at her. “Unstoppable force.” Then at Muldoon. “Immovable object.” “What happens?” She brought her palms together, mimicking an explosion. “Boom. So, whatever this is? Hurry up and get it over with, honestly. You’ll feel so much better.”

“Get what over with?” Lizzy played dumb, still unsure of whether she could trust Lori. 

“You’re a crappy liar. You know what I’m talking about.” She fixed them both with a stare, as if it were obvious. “Just sleep with him already.”

Lizzy heard a strangled noise, realised it was coming from her own throat, and turned it into a coughing fit.

“Can we get back to the reason you’re here?” Muldoon’s voice became flat and emotionless. “Now.”

“The raptor? Oh, yeah…” Lori shrugged. “I agree with Lizzy.”

”What?” The ethologist was shocked. 

”What.” Muldoon was affronted.

“Ah, ah! Let me explain and you’ll understand why I didn’t want to do this over the phone.” Dr Ruso held up her hands in a panic, trying to quell the park warden-shaped storm brewing. 

“I think you’d better.” Then to Lizzy, who was turning around, mid I-told-you-so. “And you, careful.” 

“Take it from me, InGen is fully capable of ruining both your lives.” Lori dropped the truth bomb. “I’ve had a Hell of a time. But that’s nothing compared to if I’d gone through with it.”

“You..?” Lizzy’s fingernails dug into the edge of her seat. 

“Mh-hmm.” She nodded matter-of-factly. “I had the needle ready, but I chickened out. Then someone told on me.”

“I wasn’t aware of all that.” Even deadpan Muldoon was capable of looking surprised. 

“InGen are playing nice about you two being extremely unprofessional.” She shook her head when both of them opened their mouths to speak. “Believe me, they know.”

She noted with some pleasure that neither of them bothered to deny it. 

“Then why not say something?” Lizzy hadn’t worked for a big company before or ever had to consider business politics. It all seemed like a complicated game. “Why not fire us?”

”I kind of get the impression you’re both extremely good at your jobs.” The compliment didn’t feel genuine. “So, InGen want you to stay right where they can keep a very close eye on you. That’s my logic.”

Lizzy let out a very small oh. 

“Besides, they can do a lot worse than fire you. They could hurt you. If you don’t care about yourself, they hurt the people you do care about.”

“How?” Lizzy naïvely asked. 

“This is a company that makes dinosaurs. You think they don’t know every single thing about you?” Lori steepled her remaining fingers. “Your pressure points?”

Lizzy felt Muldoon tense beside her, and knew he was thinking about his daughter. She was an ocean away, relatively safe in Africa…

But there were school applications to think of. Opportunities she would want a fighting chance at.

Muldoon, damn him, might feel he didn’t have much of a future to ruin, but they could ruin Honour’s.

And Lizzy herself was well within their grasp, living on the privately-owned island. People go missing in the jungle all the time. She had no family. Who would realistically think to look for her after weeks, months of not unusual no-contact? 

She felt herself panicking and knew Lori had scored a bullseye. She was clearly privy to some intel or she was genuinely talking from experience. Either prospect was horrifying.  Lori managed another hefty eye roll. “Sheesh, the look on your faces. It’s really simple.”

Muldoon wasn’t impressed. “Funny. You make it sound anything but simple.”

“You care for her?” Lori pointed at Lizzy.

“Very much.” The park warden answered without hesitation.

Lizzy’s head snapped around. She knew, of course, but to actually hear him say it aloud with such conviction somehow meant more to her than when her ex had got down on one knee.

“Then the raptor stays breathing.” Lori concluded.

“That’s our only option?” Muldoon’s voice was filled with gloom. 

“Trust me. If you want to be left alone: best behaviour. Don’t find out the way I did, that the company you work for-“ The embryologist gestured at the corporate branding all around the room. “-doesn’t actually give a shit about you.”

Lizzy could hardly believe in a roundabout way, she’d got her wish.

Lori smiled. “Or…you could always keep her out of harm’s way, on B, if you’re that concerned about my raptor-“

“Christ, Ruso; give it a rest.” Muldoon spoke roughly. “She’s better off where I can keep a very close eye on her.” 

“Is she in the room with us?” Lizzy was unable to hold her tongue. 

“Grown-ups are talking, dear.” Lori smirked.

Muldoon put a hand on Lizzy‘s knee under the table, stopping her before she could leap to her feet and flip it over. Lizzy jerked her leg sharply upwards, trapping his hand between her good self and the solid object. 

Lori raised an eyebrow at the muffled thump beneath them. “Maybe we should take five…”

“Agreed.” His voice sounded strained.

“Mind if I take a look around?” Lori asked cheerfully. “Last time I saw the visitor centre they were only putting the foundations in.”

“Don’t wander off.” Muldoon wouldn’t even look at her. He was occupied, busy digging his fingers into Lizzy’s thigh muscle, trying to make her release him . “You’re almost as much prone to trouble as this one.” ”Wouldn’t dream of it, Robert. Your biosecurity has a lot to be desired.” She replied scornfully. “I’ll leave you two alone to talk about me in peace.”

Lori disappeared through the double doors. They heard the whir of a projector kicking in and a sudden chorus of Hello John hello, John Hello John!

”Oh my God, I hate it here.” Lori’s defeated voice echoed from the next room. 

Lizzy finally relaxed her leg. It was a complicated mix of elation and resentment she felt. The raptor was safe, but she didn’t like her man being disappointed.

“That might be the cheapest trick you’ve ever pulled, Armstrong.” Muldoon sounded almost impressed, as he flexed his fingers.

She shrugged. “Just doing what I’d do if any man touched my leg at work.”

“Hm, ‘spose.” He agreed, despite the pointless exercise of keeping up appearances in front of Lori, who’d seen straight through them. “This meeting didn’t pan out how I thought it would. She has the cut of a woman who has hardly anything left to lose.”

”Did you like her?” Lizzy asked.

“How do you mean?” Cautiously.

”Not like that.” It was Lizzy’s turn to roll her eyes. “Have some faith me.”

Not jealous. 

“I’m honestly not sure.” Muldoon answered eventually. “She was-“

”-odd.” Lizzy finished.

“Yes.” They said at the same time. 

They heard more whirring, and then Henry, how the Devil are you?! as Lori evidently came face-to-face with her workmate through the glass into the lab next-door.

Lizzy knew she should feel triumphant. The raptor had narrowly escaped a metaphorical, or possibly quite literal neck-wringing in the middle of the night. Instead she felt strangely deflated.

“Why didn’t you just do it?” She asked Muldoon. “Nobody would have known.”

“You would have known, and you never would have forgiven me.” He absent-mindedly reached for her leg again, but thought better of it. “I believe I can only get away with that sort of thing so many times, don’t you?” Followed by something that was almost, almost a wink. 

She understood. He hadn’t wanted to do any of this. But he’d gone to all this trouble for her, inviting Lori to the island, so it was done the right way. Judge, jury and executioner. A fair trial. 

“Here’s the thing, I’m no better off with deciding what to do next.”

”No better off?” Lizzy blurted out, thoughts slightly muddled. “ I’d have thought you’d have found one of your options a lot easier.”

”It’s not easy. It’s never easy.” Muldoon frowned. “Not when it’s paid for, or necessary-“

The reasons were myriad. Diseased, debilitated, too deadly. Even when it was a mercy killing.

”I don’t find it easy.” He continued. “Never have, Armstrong. Even after all these years. But it’s my job, my life. I can’t get away from it.”

Without ever directly asking, she had always known in the back of her mind he must have shot and killed elephants in Kenya. That wasn’t something you could avoid, being an African game warden for any length of time. Lizzy herself had once been forced to raise a shotgun at a charging bull. If he had been more blasé about it, had not found it difficult to take the life of such an intelligent creature, they would have likely been at odds from Day One. To Lizzy, it made you no better than a poacher. No respect.

But knowing Muldoon never pulled the trigger without due consideration made Lizzy feel slightly better. She tried to see the impossible dilemma about the raptor through his eyes. All he wanted to do was keep her safe. Like he said, it was his job. To keep all of them safe.

Now she realised. Surely then, it was wrong, to not support him. “What do you want to do?”

“Many things…” He gave her a long unwavering look followed by a world-weary sigh. “-Afraid I’m going to have to ask Hammond for better weapons. And I can already see how that conversation will end.”

“It’s okay.” Lizzy leaned back and folded her hands behind her head, stretching out her back. “You have my permission.”

“Do I?” He found it amusing. “Well, that’s alright then.”

Silence. The cinematic experience next door seemed to have finished.

”You care for me very much?” Lizzy asked quietly.

“Surely that wasn’t a surprise to hear?”

“I guess-“ She fumbled. “To say it out loud, in front of someone else…got the impression you’re a bit, y’know-“

”I don’t know.” Probably did. Just wanted to hear it from her. 

”Shy.” Hmm, not quite right. “Maybe…repressed-“

“Rubbish. I always say exactly what I’m thinking.” Muldoon grumbled. “Richardson’s an idiot. I remind him on a regular basis.”

“True-“

“If it bothers you, Armstrong, I won’t do it again.”

”No, no!” Lizzy shook her head furiously. Please, do it again. “Didn’t say it bothered me.”

”Repressed-“ Muldoon shook his head in disbelief. “You’ll find out…” 

”’scuse me?”

“Doesn’t matter right now. But I would like to make something very clear.” He turned to face her properly. “Whatever happens…I don’t want to just get it over with.” 

“Me neither. Whatever happens.” Lizzy hesitated before her next question. ”Was she telling the truth? Do you think InGen knows?”

“Well, if Ruso worked it out in less than two minutes…” Muldoon hazarded. “But I’m not the ethologist. You are.”

“Then, are we really in danger?”

He nodded. ”Quite possibly.”

***

She found Dr Ruso standing at the edge of the lake. 

“Stop, don’t jump.” Lizzy said dully, picking her way around the ferns to join her. She had asked for a few minutes alone with their visitor, reluctantly granted. 

Lori didn’t turn around, only continued watching a trio of parakeets swooping in a wide arc over the water. 

“Armstrong, the lesser evil.” She quickly wiped her eyes. “So, you don’t always come as a pair?”

Lizzy scowled. Why was this woman getting such a kick out of being plain mean?

True to Lori’s earlier words, the notorious ethologist had been far removed from what she was expecting. News of Dr Armstrong’s unrivalled temper had reached Sorna months ago. Henry Wu was incapable of mentioning ‘that woman’ without shuddering. This was apparently the ‘Elizabeth’ Mike Richardson rather unprofessionally complained about in memos, his disdain more than apparent in the typeface.

Well then, where was she? Where was this legend? Because Lori had yet to meet her.

Lizzy swallowed her pride and remained cordial. ”What do you think of the facilities?”

”Disgustingly twee.” Lori scrunched her face up at the small talk. “And you aren’t anywhere near opening yet. Going to miss your deadline.”

“That’s not my problem.” Lizzy found herself wishing Tom was around to serve up snark where she was unable, lighten the mood. “At least something around here isn’t.”

“Rubbed you the wrong way earlier, didn’t I?” Lori flashed her a quick smile. “Never been the best at making friends.”

An only child with older twin stepsisters, Lori had always struggled. Sometimes keeping friends was the harder part, with the few she’d made. 

“A little.” Lizzy gritted her teeth. Muldoon had told her don’t. Well, tough. She was doing. “Now, I am sorry you got hurt. But I need to know exactly what went down when she bit you.” 

”You’ve seen the incident report.” Ruso fielded. 

”I know what happened. I want to know how you felt. What you were thinking.” Maybe then I can save her. “Because I need to work out what she was thinking.”

”A little sadistic of you, Armstrong.” Defence crept into Lori’s tone. “Asking me to relive traumatic events.”

Lizzy reached her boiling point, fed up of walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around this woman because of office politics. Goddammit, she missed Namibia. Missed not having to play mind games, saying whatever she bloody well felt like saying.  “A little cowardly of you, Ruso-” Enough. She reverted, guns blazing, straight back to the Glasgow shipyards. “-to be withholding vital information because it’s the only remotely useful thing you’ve got going for yourself!”

The parakeets scattered.

Lori blinked in shock at the volume, nearly whooped out loud, and started giggling. Then laughing recklessly, her first real laugh in very long time. 

There you are, legend. 

“That’s better!” She crowed. “Jeez, I thought the Irresistible Force Paradox thing would be enough to get you going, but you didn’t even wobble!”

Armstrong still looked like she wanted to punch her.

Good. 

“Christ, I was only pretending. I just didn’t want you to hurt my raptor.” Lizzy snarled protectively, as if the dinosaur were her own child. “She doesn’t know any better.” 

“I’m not sure if she does…” Nature, sure. But nurture had a huge part to play. Lori guiltily thought back to her role in raising VM2308 in what was essentially a sensory deprivation chamber, all alone. 

Sterile, empty, soulless. An asylum.

Lori reminded herself she did the best she could with what she had. 

Did I though? I…could…have done more. 

Shit, she’d drifted off. The newly interesting Dr Armstrong was in the middle of saying something important.

“…accidents happen all the time with zoo animals.”

“No, you don’t understand. This wasn’t an accident. She tricked me.”

“Tricked you?” Lizzy repeated, unsure if she heard correctly. Not possible.

“She acted submissive to lure me in, then snapped when I tried to grab her. I thought it would be okay without the net, I just wanted to get her secured…”

For the first time since they’d met, Lori’s bravado stuttered and died, and she looked like a frightened child, wringing her hands. 

“I didn’t even notice it at first, but tried to grab again, I couldn’t, I looked down, and…” She gulped. “-blood everywhere. I realised it was mine, they were gone. You know the feeling when you can’t believe it’s real?”

The ethologist nodded. All too well. Her shoulder throbbed. 

“I saw the red in her mouth, on her teeth, and she crunched them, Lizzy. Then she threw her head back and swallowed them in one go, like a goddamn seagull.”  “Horrific.” Lizzy said softly. “I am sorry, you know.”  “The smell-“ The woman shuddered with a dry heave, remembering. “I can feel them still, sometimes. Common with amputations. Phantom limbs-“

”So I’ve heard.”

“I’m basically a Kindergartener. Can barely write my own name. Reach for things and drop them, all the time. Tying shoes. It’s infuriating.”   Lizzy glanced down at Lori’s velcro-ed sneakers, wondering if they counted as a business expense.

“Could have used this information a lot sooner.” She was unable to stop the patronising edge. “She really hurt someone, did he tell you?”

”I thought about calling you all, wanted to, even-“ Lori shrugged. “But I’ve not been well. Not to mention under a shitload of pressure from higher up.”

”Are you okay…now?”

“I’m not worse.” She shrugged. “But I’ve had to quit my archery lessons.”

”You’ve lost me, Lori.”

”Medieval punishment. Captured archers would have their index and middle fingers chopped off so they couldn’t draw their bowstrings.”

”Maybe you should try an axe instead.” Lizzy mimed swinging a weapon. “Or some kind of mace. Closer range, more accurate.”

”Higher risk, you mean.”  “Why do I get the feeling that’s more your style now? Fighting on the front line. Raising the alarm.” Lizzy gave her a gentle nudge with her elbow. “Blowing that whistle.”

“Perhaps I’ve evolved.” Lori smiled, glancing down at her hand. “In reverse.”

“If you think of anything else important-“ Please tell me. 

”I will. Since Ingen are keeping me on for now, I’m determined to do some good.” Lori  “I’m writing up guidelines. Minimum welfare requirements. If we can’t meet them in the next six months I’m taking it as high as I can go.”

“Y’know, if you wanted someone to read them over…” This sounded right up her alley. 

”Are you proposing a partnership, Armstrong?”

“As long as you’re okay with my name being first on the publications.” Lizzy smirked. “Alphabetical-“

”That’s an unfair advantage.” Lori remarked. “Then again, age before beauty.”

”Arsehole.” She nudged the embryologist’s arm again, more forcefully.

Lori crowed with laughter for the second time. ”Maybe I could use your help. You know there’s no laws concerning genetically engineered animals? Hate to break it to you Lizzy, but the Dinosaur Protection Group doesn’t exist.”

“Maybe someday. Right now my concern is just how clever our girl is.”

How big of a risk. I need to be prepared. 

”Far too clever. Especially at such a young age. The other species we develop, even the other carnivores don’t come anywhere close.”

Suddenly, the cage break seemed much more feasible. Rico had paid dearly for his mistake, but maybe he wasn’t entirely liable. 

“How clever?” Lizzy pressed. This was exactly what she was interested in.

Lori seemed surprised that Lizzy was actually taking her seriously. “As smart as a chimp. Nobody believes me, but I’m pretty sure she let herself out of her kennel on Sorna.”

Lizzy had never worked in a zoo, but she had heard plenty of hair-raising tales around the campfire from students on placement. When considering a fence breach it was never the lions or tigers that were the highest risk. Most of the time the big cats were too lazy to bother escaping. It was always the monkeys that caused the biggest ripples of panic. Especially the chimpanzees. They were capable of tearing your arm off and beating you bloody with it, and much worse. A big cat would kill you relatively quickly with a single bite to the neck. An ape would take you apart first.

Lori misread her silence. “Want some good news?”

Lizzy stared, her thoughts racing. 

”Her siblings are almost ready to come to Nublar. I’ve told Henry to make the arrangements.” Lori nodded. “She won’t be alone for much longer. Some socialisation, at last.”

Is that good news? 

Chimpanzees taught each other things too. And used tools. 

That’s ridiculous. But then those front limbs are rather tactile. And that claw…

“Great.” Lizzy whispered hoarsely. 

“You’re not even a tiny bit tempted by Sorna?” Lori tried again. “The chance to have these little demons imprint on you, while they’re still cute?”

”Really?” The image of a gaggle of infant raptors following her around like a mother hen made Lizzy’s heart skip a beat. Awww. “Imprinting? Like birds?”

“Exactly like birds.” Lori confirmed. “It’s pretty neat.”  She left out the part that she herself had stopped getting the dinosaurs to imprint on her, as most of them had perished soon after hatching. It was too damn hard.  Lizzy’s brain meanwhile was overflowing with ideas. 

To be the one to teach them, to study them from the moment they broke through their shells…

”No.” She said with finality. Desire had flickered and was extinguished. “I don’t envy the position you’re in at all, Lori.”

Judging by the look on her face, Dr Ruso knew she was lying. 

***

“How do I look?” Kathy twirled as she entered the control room, a backlit silhouette vogueing in front of the monitors.

”Fine…” Arnold muttered, not even glancing her way. 

“Fine?” She slumped. “That’s it?”

“The fuel log for the chopper.” The engineer muttered absent-mindedly. “It’s not right.”

“And I should care because…?”

“Hey, now. You used to be sweet.” Arnold frowned at her over the top of his glasses. “Too much time around Guns & Ammo has turned you cynical.”

“Not for much longer.” Less than six months to go. 

”You should care because the timestamp that is giving me grief is the night that kid got mauled.”

”Rico. His name was-“ Shit, not me too. “-is Rico.”  Arnold shook his head. ”Well, if they took Rico to San José, they should have flown an extra two-hundred kilometres, give or take. That’s a lotta gas.”

“What-“ Kathy pulled out the glasses she was keeping stuffed under the neckline of her dress to scan the pixellated lines of letters and numbers, not that it meant much to her.

“In a thunderstorm, no less.” Ray added. “Quite an impressive bit of piloting-“

She huffed in frustration. “I can’t read this crap…”

“‘Specially carrying the weight on Ed Regis‘ shoulders-“ Arnold chuckled. “-surprised they weren’t over capacity-“

”Ray!” Kathy whipped her glasses off and brandished them at the display. “What does this mean?”

“It’s a fact that the chopper didn’t get to the hospital on the mainland. Not possible.”

“So, Rico’s still at the clinic in Bahía Anasco maybe?” Kathy remained hopeful.

“Either fifty gallons of jet fuel is unaccounted for, or someone didn’t remember to fudge the numbers before they clocked off.” Arnold laid it out for her. 

Surely not…I mean, maybe…why would they lie…why would HE lie-

Kathy was silent for so long Ray finally glanced up, and did a double-take at seeing her dressed to the nines. If she ‘didn’t care’ about this date with the young Kennedy, like she kept insisting, why’d she gone to so much effort?

”You look real nice, kid.”

She didn’t hear him, her mind was elsewhere. 

I should go ask-

No.

I’m doing it.

“Call the clinic, Ray.” She finally said. “This doesn’t feel right.”

”Kit, honey. They might not even have a phone.” 

“Someone in the village is bound to have a phone. This is 1993!” She insisted. 

“Okay-dokey.” Arnold reluctantly reached for the handset at his workstation. “You’re the boss.” 

***

Bobbie Carter knew in her gut something was off.  The trend of infant deaths and mysterious lizard sightings was extending northwards up the coast with each passing day. And they were coinciding.

Was it A causing B? Or B causing A? 

There was no way to know for sure without formal research, rather than word of mouth. The smaller fishing villages also had the unhelpful habit of ‘forgetting’ to officially report unexpected mortalities.

Costa Rica was not unlike any other subtropical country. No shortage of things that could kill you. Snakes, spiders, frogs. Jaguars of course, and for those who ventured out to sea, bull sharks. Her clinic had treated its fair share.

But these unidentified lizards targeting infants and newborns in their cribs were turning from a serious, to a severe problem. Were they outright killing the children while they slept, or simply scavenging, either way having somehow learned the behaviour by opportunity, and realised that humans could become an easy meal?

Then there was the strange mauling incident from that privately-leased island a couple of weeks prior, which still haunted her. That had been no small lizard, something much bigger, and far more deadly.

His hands…

God, his hands.

She honestly couldn’t remember the kid’s face. Bobbie didn’t want to. 

But she remembered his. The red-haired man in the baseball cap. 

Backhoe, my ass. 

The phone in the clinic rang, startling her. Like everything else in Bahía Anasco, it was rusted around the edges. 

”Manuel-“ She called. 

“Ocupado!” She could hear the autoclave beeping in the next room and her assistant’s muttered apologies. 

Bobbie harumphed as she picked up the receiver. “Buenos d-“

“Is this the medical clinic in Bahía Anasco?”

The demanding tone instantly got her back up. 

“Dr Carter speaking, what’s your emergency?”

“Not an emergency, well kinda-“ She heard a women’s voice on the line murmuring, and rustling on the mouthpiece as it was cupped. “-yeah, got it. I’m calling about a patient you might have dealt with a few weeks ago. They would have arrived on a helicopter, during a thunderstorm.”

Bobbie felt a finger of ice trail down the back of her neck. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Gut instinct was to deny, until she knew what the man wanted. Patient confidentiality and all that. 

“Now, look here, lady -“

”Ray!” Came the woman’s soft voice again. “She won’t help us if you’re rude.”

“But, Kit-“ ‘Ray’ grumbled, clearly not in the best of moods. “Sorry about this, Dr-“

”Let me speak to her.” Bobbie responded calmly, and she heard the handset clumsily changing ownership. The company name on the side of the helicopter was still unwillingly lodged in her memory. “Are you from InGen?”

Kathy saw no point in lying. “We are.”

Bobbie chose her words carefully, to not incriminate herself. She’d been on edge for weeks, only finally starting to relax, putting the thought from her mind that the government might stop by to speak to her, bringing drama to the little fishing village. She was already an outsider. And now this. 

“I do remember that night. I treated him. I was just doing my duty, as a doctor.” Her camera was still missing. “I don’t want any trouble.” 

“You won’t have trouble from us. Please. He’s a colleague of mine.” He’s my little brother. “He’s my friend. I just want to know he’s okay.”

Oh, God. They have no idea. 

The man and woman Bobbie was speaking to seemed different from the people who had dragged that kid’s lifeless body back onto the chopper. These ones cared. Ray and Kit. The kid really had meant something to them. 

Shit, this was the part of her job that she truly hated. 

“I’m deeply sorry to be the one to have to tell you, Miss- uh…Miss.” She grew solemn.

“Oh, God-“ The woman’s voice moaned faintly. 

“He passed away not long after arriving at the clinic. The man in the sports cap had his body put back in the chopper.” Why was this so much harder over the phone? When she couldn’t see their faces, hold their hands as she delivered the worst possible news? “I did what I could, I promise you that.”

Kathy heard the high-pitched ringing in her ears. Felt the tingling in her fingertips, darkness at the edges of her vision. Her nightmares come to life. 

“So did he.” She whispered. 

”What-“ Bobbie hesitated, then pressed. “What attacked him?”

”Thank you, you’ve been very helpful.” Kathy shut her down woodenly. 

“…you take care, Kit.” Dr Carter sighed as the line went dead with a click. Still no answers. 

”Well, where is he?” Arnold asked impatiently, taking the phone from Kathy’s limp hand. 

She shook her head, whimpering. “Gone.”

“Gone? Like, gone-“ The handset fell, and dangled, clattering as it swung on its cord. He collapsed back into his chair. ”No. Honey, I’m so sorry.”

Tom picked that exact moment to swagger through the control room door. 

“Been looking for you, KitKat-“ He doffed his good stetson to her. “Let’s get this show on the road!”

”I think I’m gonna have to take a raincheck…” She said vacantly. 

“No fair! You swore! What in the…” Tom tailed off as he spotted Arnold’s frantically shaking head and pained expression. “Shoot. What now?”

Kathy turned around, the monitors reflecting against the teardrops brimming in her eyes.

“He lied.” 

***

Thanks for reading!

[desultory-suggestions]

hi, 

i wanted to come here to ask for some kind words and help as ur blog is so lovely and gives me warmth <3

(i’m autistic to add context) i’ve been really struggling recently (and this whole year) as i’ve been very burnt out. like a lot, and i don’t feel it’s understood how much and i don’t feel the people around me are trusting that i just need a rest but rather try to help by suggesting that i go outside and do more stuff when even a tiny change in routine is extremely overwhelming. and i feel alone in that, like maybe i should be doing more. lately the mental element has been much worse to the point that it’s incredibly difficult to communicate using written words (i can’t speak atm) -this ask has already taken energy - or think and problem solve etc and it’s awful because i have exams and assessments i need to finish in a short period of time and i don’t know how i’m going to rest and get them done. i also have had so many changes recently, and have felt numb due to my medication so i have not been able to sense my limits and therefore have been doing too much and i’m trying my best but it’s just so much and i want a break. i just really want a break. 

ontop of this i’ve been feeling inferior lately and my ocd has been worse, and i’m just so tired. i can hardly do anything and i’m just trying to get through but i miss seeing my friends and having the energy to see them and having a clearer brain.

i’m most definitely going to keep going but i just am so sick of it. and i don’t want to have to continue to be brave and survive. and i feel scared that if i say just how much of a toll this has taken on me that i will scare people and make them think that i want to die, and i’m scared of how much of a toll it’s taken on me. 

it’s just so much.

Hello, dear. Oh, it's as if you are reading my mind! Burnout, but specifically autistic burnout- is not a short term issue. When some people say they are burnt out, they mean after a weekend of rest they'll be okay. Some means after a few months of getting life back to normal. However, autistic burnout can last for months on end and requires a different kind of patience and care than you often are advised.

First things first, I want you to know that you are not doing anything wrong and you are not lazy. Laziness is not always bad, but it's different from burnout. You are not choosing exhaustion, it is happening to you. You deserve patience and care, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Like you said, this ask took energy! You are working hard, it doesn't have to look a certain way for it to be true.

The age old question, where is the time? I wish I had better advice, but to be candid I have not entirely figured this out for myself. In a society that places so little value on rest (if you are in the U.S. that is) we have to carve out space, but of course this isn't restful. The best advice I can give is to stop trying to do things the right way and do them the easier one. I have tried so hard to be normal in my struggles, but all it does it burn me out double time. I try now, to focus on my needs first and others comfort second. Ultimately the best we can do is still good enough, and even if down the line we know it wasn't exactly right we tried.

Take things moment by moment, and with the unavoidable stressors just know they won't last forever. You are making your way through a very tiring situation and it's okay to stomp your feet and complain. If you're worried about others thinking you're in danger just for complaining, you are always welcome to come to my inbox and let out all of your stress about things. I promise I won't treat it like anything more serious than it is. Take tender care <3

Evan

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Looking for: not sure maybe just venting, a response if you want.

Idk if there’s tw

I want to know if anybody else has been through similar? I’ve been revictimized a lot in my life I choice to stop socializing and going to events just isolating now because I don’t wanna be abused again…

I had two abusive exes. And after the second one which was pretty bad too, I chose not to date again.

I’ve had some toxic friends but nothing too bad but they do talk a lot of shit about me and spread rumors.

Ive dealt with abusive parents which is probably what set me up for failure in other relationships.

Ive dealt with being bullied by friend groups and by classmates. A lot of people stayed away from me because they heard rumors and some people asked me weird questions like Ik they heard rumors about me.

I feel like it is never ending. And I’m just destined to be abused no matter who I meet it’ll always happen. I always feel like this’ll follow me from lifetime to lifetime and god is punishing me.

I honestly feel like I’m not traumatized or it should’ve been worse for me to complain. Idk if I have any disorders I’m not diagnosed and I can’t find a doctor because I don’t have money. I’m just depressed ig. Kind of numb most days.

It almost feels like im playing victim card or something but Ik what I’ve been through. Like it feels like everyone hates me and they must be right about me. I mean Ik everyone hates me. Nobody wants to go near me. There must be a reason im avoided, there must be a reason im hated, they must’ve seen something broken in me that I couldn’t see and they’re just doing their duty as people to cast me out or bully me. My parents were so happy to have a kid and the picture of them holding me as a baby they look so happy and so caring in those pictures. I must’ve fucked up at a young age and that’s why they didn’t want me anymore. It’s my fault and I know it. Idk what to do anymore. I’m sorry you don’t have to answer this.

Hi anon,

It's entirely up to whether or not you want to date. However it's worth considering that life is a risk and you deserve the possibility of being loved to a degree you've never experienced before. That also extends to social gatherings - human beings are social creatures and need interaction to survive and thrive. Your past experiences do not deserve to steal your ability to have joyful and meaningful connections and memories. There are ways to enjoy a social life and love life without fear of abuse.

It also sounds like you're dealing with "mythologization" which is a common experience among survivors of complex trauma. Mythologization is a term I use to describe the feeling that the abuse you've experienced is on a cosmic or spiritual level, like feeling as if your abuse was predestined by god. Especially when you've been revictimized and polyvictimized, it's even easier to feel this way.

Going drastic lengths to avoid abuse is traumatized behavior. It's also common for trauma survivors to victim-blame and gaslight themselves as you've outlined in your last two paragraphs. It's okay to acknowledge that you have trauma, but it's understandable to find difficulty in accepting this due to the consequences of being traumatized.

It's important to remember that trauma is not defined by what happened, but instead by how we are affected. This is because there are various factors that affect one's resilience - the ability to recover from an adverse experience. Everyone is dealt a unique set of cards which means that everyone had varying degrees of resilience. So what may be traumatic to you may not be traumatic to someone else, but that doesn't mean you aren't or shouldn't be traumatized. It makes sense given the hand you were dealt and that's okay. This also means that it makes little sense to compare your trauma to those you feel have it worse - because they have a completely different life, with a completely different set of cards.

A difficult part of healing is acknowledging the severity of your past while giving yourself permission to be happy and enjoy the present moment. You do not have to be miserable to be a valid trauma survivor. You deserve to be happy in spite of everything that has happened.

-Bun

[rodolfoparras]

I'm back to say and check in 🫶🏻

I've been so busy with work and play (we have rehearsals daily) that I just didn't have energy to write anything. First of all, AMAZING NEWS! You know that exam I kept complaining about? The same subject because of which I had to repeat a year two times?? I FINALLY PASSED IT!!! I can hardly believe it ngl but I'm overjoyed!

Also I'm getting a two weeks off after this week which I definitely didn't expect because I just started working but lord do I desperately need that vacation. In worse news, my father (who is currently here again) told me that when he comes home in August, he'll be here for a whole month somehow and I'm already dreading it. I honestly don't know how I'll survive it :((

But other than that, I've been pretty well and I think being in a play really reinvigorated my spirit! How are you? How is your hobby going?

-🔮

Hello sugar!!!! I’m glad to hear from you!! It sounds like you’ve been busy but at least your days have been packed with fun stuff I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself love!! YOU PASSED IT? HELLO CONGRATS SUGAR!!!! I’m so glad you finally got it done and over with 😭 I know what it’s like having old exams hanging after you especially if ifs been years 😭

But that so sweet of your boss!! What are you planning to do on your break? Any shows you’re going to watch? Are you planing to go somewhere?

Also I’m sorry to hear that sugar a month is an awful long time when the person is insufferable but luckily you’ve been a busy bee so hopefully you’ll only see/ hear him very briefly during those 30 days!!

Genuinely so happy for you sugar you deserve to feel good! Also I’ve been well love I’ve been working on my clay piece and it’s not done yet but it’s going well I’m almost done with the sculpting part and it’s time to think of some designs!! The piece is inspired by the song good luck babe specifically the line when you wake up next to him in the middle of the night with your head in your hands you’re nothing more than his wife so since i can’t do ppl I did a lighter laying on a pillow and it’s supposed to be the woman in the song , and the hollowed out cigarette doesn’t really fit an actual cigarette and it’s supposed to represent the husband who isn’t the one for her : doesn’t fit her it’s a lot of fun to make it but I’m also a perfectionist and keep poking at it also this is an old pic so the sculpture is rough but I promise it’s much better now!

[deedeemacdl]

I’m going to be completely vulnerable here for a minute. I found this note from when I was recently admitted to the hospital. I don’t really remember writing it (painkillers and all) but reading it through, I realise how much having chronic ill health has affected me. Writing has always been cathartic for me and something I enjoy. So to look back on this is interesting because it still rings true to a certain extent. Although I’m doing well mentally (though we all struggle here and there, good days and bad) there’s still an element of truth to this message. I am so lucky to have the things I do but pain and being unwell can affect you in ways you don’t even realise. I thought I would share this, to be honest, transparent and to let people know that it’s okay to struggle.

P.s. I’ve contemplated sharing this for a while because I don’t want people to think I’m complaining, or worry that I’m not okay. I promise I am. But it’s raw and it’s the truth and maybe others will see something familiar in the message.

———————————————————————

I’m just so tired. Not just physically. Mentally and spiritually too. I’m so drained of energy and if I exert even a little, I suffer for the next week (if I’m lucky. Usually more.)

Everything feels so heavy. Yet at the same time my bones feel like they could crack at any minute. Most of the time I don’t even want to talk because even that drains me.

Like my body, my heart is heavy. I’ve pushed my friends to the side. Not deliberately. But I’ve been such an awful friend that it’s been so long since I’ve reached out, I feel guilty even contacting them. Then this just adds more time and gets to the point where I believe they won’t even care if I reach out because I’ve already abandoned them.

I’m fed up of making excuses. Always being ill yet pretending I’m okay. Then hiding myself away because I literally can’t do anything. While trying to hold down a full time job, plan a wedding, wait on 2 operations and suffer from the effects of infections daily. Even the ability to play with my cat can be too much.

At the same time I’m fed up moaning. All I do is complain and then try to overcompensate because realistically, there’s people living with a lot worse.

It’s hard being in between. In the one hand you just want to lie down and give up. On the other hand, you have so much to be grateful for and to look forward to.

I constantly feel like I’m holding those around me, back. That’s why I distance myself from people. So not to burden them. Because honestly I am a burden. But then the longer you do that, you isolate and distance, the harder it is to reconnect.

It’s like I’m forever in this cycle and right now, I’m just existing. Surviving. Doing everything in my power not to succumb to the things that are affecting me.

I don’t want pity. I just crave understanding. From others, and from myself. I spend my life telling people it’s okay to struggle and all I do is put myself down for that exact reason.

I’m sorry to those who I’ve hurt or abandoned along the way. Because you would never have treated me this way. But please know, it was not deliberate and I would do anything to change it.

So right now I’m taking a day at a time. And seeking joy in the small things. Like the purr of my cat when she gives me cuddles. Or the “I love you” from those closest to me at the end of a call. The smell of a freshly lit candle. The sound of the rain hitting off the roof. The way the trees dance to the rhythm of the wind.

I’m trying to heal, physically, mentally and spiritually. Though the physical part seems much harder than I anticipated. I am lucky to have what I have and I know that. But I’m also unlucky to experience the pain and struggle I do daily. Each day it robs me of something else.

But I will keep getting up.

I will keep pushing.

I will keep fighting.

And maybe some day, I’ll wake up no longer feeling like I’m just surviving.

We all have a fight, a struggle, unique to us. And to you, I just want to say you got this. Even on the days it may feel like it’s all too much. You got this. You are not alone. We are not alone.

[blowflyfag]

WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT/FEDERATION MAGAZINE: OCTOBER 2011

SMACKDOWN Q+A

The LOCKSMITH

Daniel Bryan submits to our most probing questions, and reveals the secrets to surviving a detached retina, escaping deportation and starting a catchy crowd chant.

BY JOHN MIHALY PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARIUS BUGGE

Your submission maneuver rarely fails to make foes tap out. Think it might be time to re-name your version of the LeBell Lock to something a little more Daniel Bryan-centric?

No. I like referring to people who’ve built this industry. There’s not enough of the history out there anymore. It’s like all of that’s been pulled back. So I hope to continue calling it the LeBell Lock. That said, I am a submissions expert, and I certainly have more than one submission maneuver in my arsenal. You’ll be seeing more of them very soon.

Compared to the ups and downs of 2010, this year has been a huge success for you, culminating with your Money In The Bank win. Did your first year in WWE teach you anything that the Indies never could?

Just that you have to adapt to every environment you’re in..but I’ve been doing that my whole career. I never expected to be fired and then rehired two months later. I certainly didn't expect to become the U.S. Champion so quickly after I was rehired. Wrestling here is no different from wrestling in Japan for the first time: You have to get your bearings, and you have to wrestle that style. Here, you have to adapt to things like live televised matches.

What’s the one biggest sacrifice you made during your journey to WWE?

That’s hard to say. But one thing I definitely hope will never happen again is losing hearing in one of my ears. I ruptured my eardrum, but I never got it fixed. That’s something that can be easily fixed, but as an independent wrestler, you can’t take time off, so I just kept going. Plus I can barely see out of one eye because I detached my retina back in 2007.

Sounds painful! But no worse than spending time with The Miz. Did you know that you actually have something in common with your former WWE NXT “mentor”? You’ve both been hosed out of a match at WrestleMania.

How did you react when you were bumped off the card at The Show of Shows?

I go with the flow with a lot of things. Obviously, it was upsetting. Nobody told us beforehand or pulled us aside and said, “Listen guys, we’re sorry.” That was the most disappointing thing. And of course, I wanted that ‘Mania moment. You’re not going get it in a pre-show match. But, once I slept in the trunk of my car, so it wasn’t the end of the world. 

You collect vinyl records, you don’t own a TV, and you spend a lot of time reading. Is it safe to call you “The Lo-Fi Superstar”?

Well, there’s just so much mental pollution out there. I was rooming with a fellow Superstar, who will remain anonymous. He was watching TV and said, “Aw, there’s nothing on.” So he tossed me the remote. So what did I do? I turned off the TV. He complained, “Why are you turning it off? What are we going to do? Just sit here in this silence?” I said, “Yes, yes we are.”

No TV, no alcohol, no meat…what vices do you have, other than making opponents tap out?

That’s a loaded question. Maybe I think too much. It makes it hard for me to sleep. William Regal always likes to say, “Once you don’t start sleeping, then the carnival starts.” I don't have a lot of vices, per se. I have a very clear mind, and I fall asleep very easily at night. It’s staying asleep that’s the problem. Once I'm awake that first time, I'm done. 

What’s a tasty vegan dish that every nose-in-the-air omnivore should try?

There are so many. My favorite place to eat is the Red Velvet Cafe in Las Vegas. It’s got regular food, it’s got vegetarian food, and it’s got vegan food. Anything that’s on the menu they can make vegan or vegetarian. Their namesake, the red velvet cake, is a cupcake that’s vegan. I’ve given it to nonvegans and they say it’s the best red velvet cake they’ve ever had. It’s unreal. They tell me it's only 180 calories. I don't buy it for a second, because you pick it up and it’s so dense, but then you think, “Well, the stuff in here isn’t made with cow fat,” so maybe it’s true. 

You might be the most positive Superstar in WWE, as far as dealing with the daily grind goes. How do you keep your head up while on the road 200-plus days per year?

In WWE, it’s very easy for people to say, “Oh, this sucks” or, “Oh, I'm beat up.” In the Indies, you’re also beat up. You’re just making a lot less money. If you’ve been wrestling in the Indies for 10 years and you get here, nothing seems bad. I’ve had to literally sleep outside of a door because I was locked out of the place where I was staying in England. I've been deported. I was going from Japan to England and I didn't have a work permit, so when I got to England, they said, “We have to deport you back to Japan because that’s where you came from.” I said, “Going back to Japan does me no good, because then I don't have a work permit to get in there, either.” So I had to pay for a flight back to Los Angeles. But in the meantime, they stuck me in this room with all these other people being deported. They asked me, “Where are you from?” I said, “I’m an American.” And then they said, “Oh, you should have lied, man.” It was kind of scary. I was stuck in Heathrow Airport for 24 hours.

Lastly, your followers were infamous for delivering a rather un-PG chant whenever you entered the ring. Any less crude chants you might suggest they shout out these days?

“You’re going to get your freakin’ head kicked in!” It’s based on a British soccer chant. They have the best chants. It’s just one of those things I heard and I thought, “I’m going to try and get this started at a wrestling show” And I did. People were having a hard time with the beat, but eventually they got it. Once it came out on DVD it just spread. It’s funny how things spread so quickly. Have you read that book, The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell? It gives a really good explanation about how things just like that chant gain popularity. Give it a read.