#I can push it onto fictional characters as a coping mechanism so I don't think about how much I want the big sleep

[wannabanauthor]

Warning: BuckTommy Angst Thoughts

Don't think about how devastated Buck is that he found someone who liked him for him, who actively listened to all his rambles, who flirted shamelessly with him, who went above and beyond to romance the hell out of him, who treated him like the grown ass man he is, who understood his friendship/family with Eddie and Chris, who matched his sex drive and dorkiness, who genuinely cared for him and made sure he knew it...all to just lose him in an instant.

He wanted to progress things, and did it in the worst way, and it cost him everything. He's lonely, desperately wanting to contact Tommy, and baking every time he thinks about Tommy.

Not only did he lose his boyfriend, he lost a great friend, someone he wanted to be with for the rest of his life in any way possible (Oliver even said he wanted Tommy to be around Buck even if they broke up).

All of this, and he still wants Tommy. He wants to talk to him, call him, text him, anything just to get his attention again. Tommy made him feel complete, and now Buck's lost without him.

Buck's glow is gone, now he's just left with the emptiness and despair that Tommy left in his wake.

[vindieselsfacebook-blog]

okay after seeing your poll on the unpopular GG opinions I need to hear your thoughts on lane!!! please please elaborate because on first seeing your take I don't agree but I've also never thought about it so I would love to hear your opinion if you feel like it! :))

Ahhh first of all, omg thank you for caring to hear any of my rambling. :') Second of all, pheewwww boy do I have some unpopular Lane opinions lol.

My disclaimer at the top is that I like Lane! She gets so much interesting, flawed characterization that a lot of sidekicks in fiction don't. I can sound like a hater but I think there's this fascinating effect where fans either relate so closely with Lane, they project a lot onto her - to the point of pretending her flaws and mistakes just don't exist - or they flatly reduce her to her endearing strengths and root for her so much as an underdog, they don't engage with any deeper critique and honestly kind of infantilize her and don't hold her accountable for her choices.

Lane is so relatable because her experience speaks to folks growing up in similarly religious, oppressive, and/or culturally specific family units that maybe feel more authoritarian. This is where I must acknowledge that I'm an only child in a white (eastern European mostly) household where I never really clicked with my parents in most ways and was always kind of at peace with that fact. I've always struggled with fully understanding and empathizing with people (both irl and in fiction) who clearly feel so unhappy and/or oppressed by situations, but lack the courage to really do anything about it when it would be fully possible for them.

Lane's mom is cartoonishly restrictive of her and often downright cruel, but at the end of the day, Lane still cares too much what her mother thinks. She still wants to make her happy and internalizes those teachings instead of really pushing beyond them and rebelling like she acts like she wants to. She folds in on herself with a victim mentality constantly that frustrates me. As a kid, I totally get it, but once adulthood looms and she goes along with her mom's college choices for her, tries to make every friend and romantic interest delight in ridiculous charades to keep peace, and doesn't want to have sex before marriage, I get less sympathetic. Grow up, girl! Maybe it's because Lorelai's story is the 180 degree opposite of Lane's. I have so much love and admiration for Lorelai's bold choices, perhaps that's the root of my disconnect with Lane. Again - I totally get that this is shaped by my personal cultural upbringing.

Besides finding it hard to respect this desire to still be mommy's little girl when I don't think her mother has earned that OR that it's a personally satisfying pursuit for Lane, I find her boy-crazy obsessions dull and shallow. In she and Rory's brief S1 conflict where Lane feels ignored by Rory, I kind of can't help but take Rory's side because girl, I'm sorry, I'd be bored as shit hearing you ramble on and on about some dumb dude you don't even know because his hair is cute.

Although I resent the term so much these days, Lane fits the stereotype of "I'm not like other girls" MUCH more than either Rory or Lorelai in my opinion. She's always talking about dumb girls she doesn't like, girls in bands being her competition, etc. I get that's an easy coping mechanism for a girl like her who only has her taste as something she can feel superior to others about because her life is otherwise small, but still. The main characters get that critique but she's always exempt.

So many fans paint with a broad brush claiming Lane's a better friend to Rory than Rory is to her when I feel it's the reverse - Lane requires A LOT of emotional labor. I've heard folks claim she's just as smart - why couldn't she get into an Ivy, too? Well, to start, Lane wouldn't even go if she had the chance because she's too scared to be truly ambitious, she's not the main character of the show, and honestly, why do people think she's so smart? She's no dummy, but she's never portrayed as being especially good at school or interested in academics. That's where I see the projection creep in. People who relate to Lane are angry on behalf of her perceived wasted potential because they feel it about themselves or others they love.

Then of course, we all get mad about her quick marriage and pregnancy, but those are both fully Lane's choices. She's allegedly disagreed with her mom her entire life, but again chooses victimhood in refusing to have sex until marriage and still valuing the oppressive heteronormative life she's always been obsessed with. She was already making progress choosing her independent starving artist life at that point so she can't blame that choice on mommy. You're an adult - learn about contraception if you don't want to get pregnant! Or get an abortion! But no - Lane is a career self-saboteur. Like pushing Henry Cho away, Lane is addicted to struggling and hiding and keeps creating these circumstances for herself long after her childhood under her mom's thumb. She even needed her mom to plan a tour for her and her band.

AND ANOTHER THING (lol sorry, full drunk-uncle-ing now) but I don't think Dave Rygalski's willingness to lie, hide, and change himself for a girl's attention is healthy and gets waayyy too romanticized. Lane would be a nightmare girlfriend.

When fans share dreams of Lane moving to a bigger city, starting an all-girl band, or being successful in the music industry, I can't help but think those aspirations are far more out-of-character than people seem to think. She's just not that girl - and that's ok! Not everyone is. She ends up seemingly happy with her community and family and walks that line having a good relationship with her mom. We maybe hoped for more, but unfortunately she didn't. And just as with so many other things in Gilmore Girls, that rings so bittersweetly true to real life.

[necrotic-nephilim]

3 & 21, please! 🙌

for the choose violence ask game!

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

my first answer to this one is here, but as for another one that kills me inside was, a certain poll going around where the OP asked if Jason would be a fan of Wuthering Heights and they included propaganda from the reblogs. and i won't include a screenshot bc the OP was quoting someone else but the propaganda for "fuck no" basically said

"Wuthering Heights romantize violence and toxic, abusive relationships and Jason dislikes abusers and would be infuriated. Just the sheer idea of Heathcliff [pisses him off]. The "I was hurt and mistreated and so now I get to hurt everyone around me" mentality he also really hates. It's terrifying. He tries not to think about it too deep."

and i just. like i don't care if you think Jason is or isn't a fan of the book but this justification haunts me. bc firstly, it paints Jason as if he doesn't. hurt other people because he's hurt as his trauma coping mechanism, esp during his return and a lot of ppl get caught in his crossfire just bc he's angry. like he's reacting to trauma, but that *is* how he copes. he just kinda. drags ppl into his nonsense, it's what makes him fun. secondly, acting like Jason, a grown adult, cannot understand that fiction is fiction and that fictional abusers do not "romanticize" anything bc they are not real was... wild. yes Jason hates abusers. but not fictional ones. this whole take reeked of an anti pushing anti ideologies onto a fictional character who Would Not Care and i just. i think about it took much for what it is. also acting like Jason has a concept of what a healthy relationship is, somehow is the funniest part in this.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

OH MY GOD, JOKER: LAST LAUGH. *specifically* the infamous "Dick killed the Joker and Bruce gave him CPR" god. we have milked this for everything it's worth. can we pls let it go. most fanon misunderstands it as well. bc it was a reaction to Tim's (supposed, not real) death, not Jason's. and Dick was immediately horrified and regretful. i think fanon has ran with trying to make Dick the angry one and so these moments get cherry-picked. is this moment interesting? yes. but it's so overhyped. in a similar vein, the whole "Bruce wanted to kill the Joker but Superman stopped him" has also been overused and misunderstood. like nothing about that moment in Death In The Family would change... really any of Jason's actions, but especially not Jason's feelings about Bruce not killing the Joker. DITF is a poorly written comic to begin with, but this moment is a mess and really isn't nearly as significant as fans want it to be. Bruce thinks about murder all the time. but he doesn't follow through. that's the point of his character. like these moments were fun to explore briefly, but i think fanon has overstated their importance by far. fanon really likes to overstate small moments and misinterpret the canon impacts of them. these are just two examples of so many. it gets to me.

[not-poignant]

(this might be a bit personal, and by all means please don't feel pressured to answer) but considering how dark some of your stuff can get, have you ever been troubled by some of the characters/their actions in your stories (and semi-related) had to take some time to cope with writing a difficult scene?

This is a tough one so I’m going to put a lot of it under a read more (sorry phone browsers).

I’ve had the occasional moment of struggling with content because of being troubled by it.

But by contrast it’s funny because, I think some of the most difficult scenes for others, are actually some of the easiest for me to write. For example, the chapter where Connor is basically kidnapped by Gabriel and given the highball, was so easy to write it was like swimming (which is the only sports-like skill I’m good at). If everything could be like that, oh my goodness, I can’t even imagine. It was an intense, emotionally fraught, joyful experience of the likes I don’t know how to explain to other people who don’t experience that.

So there’s not always any rhyme or reason to it either. I struggled with significant chunks of Strange Sights. I couldn’t finish The Drawn Bead because it just felt like we were heading towards torture porn but I also knew I couldn’t do justice to the horror of Gwyn’s memory AND it has a tragic ending and I struggle to write those for longer pieces. I tend to struggle with characters being separated from each other. So the beginning of Into Shadows We Fall, when Jack and Pitch are completely separated from each other, that was so difficult for me personally, that I actually ended up massively shortening how long they were meant to be separated for. Even though Pitch and Jack have a really thorny relationship when Pitch is returned, I still preferred that to their being absent from each other.

But I didn’t have as much of a problem with it, when it was Gwyn and Augus.

It’s not predictable, sometimes I enjoy writing the troubling content on a very visceral level. Either because I feel like I’m in my element as a writer. Or I know it’s going to be so satisfying (for me) for the character to recover from it later. Or I know that it’s going to lead to something I’ve been craving writing. I mean I wouldn’t write so much of that kind of content if I didn’t get something really tangible out of it.

There are still things that surprise me, still scenes that become more difficult as I write them, not because of ‘technical writing reasons’ but because of the thematic content. Often, for me, it highlights things I probably won’t enjoy writing again. Strange Sights for me worked as a series of oneshots, but as a long-term abusive and rape-filled relationship, it didn’t actually become comfortable for me until Augus began to be allowed to have boundaries. So I probably won’t write a couple that toxic ever again outside of novellas and PWPs. With the beginning of Into Shadows We Fall, I learned I had to be really careful with character separation, and that three chapters was about my limit (from memory, I think I stuck to this - or just about - in COFT).

But...maybe it would make people feel better if I said I really struggled with writing Gavril taunting Jack. Or Jack being whipped by Bunnymund. Or Augus torturing him in chapter 4 of ISWF. Or Gwyn being tormented by his mother. Or Mosk having flashbacks of Davix and Olphix. I find them intense, sure, but I don’t dislike doing it. Even though I often really feel for the character who is experiencing the torment. Gwyn goes through a fairly graphic description an MRI the next chapter in SOTS, and though I myself actually had an MRI phobia for a few years (it was the reason I developed claustrophobia), I found the scene itself disturbing, but deeply satisfying enough that I wouldn’t call it something where I needed to take time out to cope.

As for me being troubled by how the characters are actually behaving... This is tricky. I mean of course a lot of them are doing stupid, terrible, harmful, cruel, illegal things. I don’t condone it in reality. But thinking of these things happening in fiction is different to thinking about them happening in reality. The fact is, ‘dubcon’ in reality is just rape, and if I applied real world standards to non-real scenarios filled with tropes and the Id, yeah sure, I would be troubled, but I’d also not be writing any of this content.

As an addendum to that, for me their behaviour always makes sense to me from their perspective. Whether it’s Mosk being emotionally abusive with no concept of it. Gwyn raping Augus. Augus killing Efnisien. Pitch in TGATNW being heartless and constantly pushing Jack away with very cruel behaviour. Even Davix and Olphix. Whatever their behaviour is, if I can understand their motives behind it, I tend to struggle with it a lot less.

I don’t like to squick myself with my own writing, as a general rule. So no, I’m not looking to write things where I need to take breaks from my own writing to cope. But I think to be blunt, my life is filled with things more challenging than what I put a lot of my characters through, and my emotional ability to handle disturbing behaviour is broader than I think it would be for some other people. It doesn’t mean I lack empathy or compassion, if anything I hope that through my writing, people can see that I have great compassion for the characters that often suffer the most, through my need to build up a chosen/found family around them, and pour love onto them, even if they don’t know what to do with it.

Those that are here in the pit of ‘enjoying Pia’s writing’ are probably here because the comfort when it comes is - I hope - tangible and visceral, the loneliness when it’s comforted away reaches past the screen and means something. And holding onto that thread myself is why I enjoy the hurt part of the hurt/comfort as much as the comfort part, but also why I don’t like to write one without the other.

And finally, most of my POV characters, by the time we get to them, have been through their darkest moments in their pasts. The only way we often access their worst moments is through flashbacks, memories, dialogue or their aversions. That might feel very extreme to some, but for me, it means by the time we get to them, they’re already starting to recover something for themselves. The worst has happened.

Even if they go through something during the story, say - Connor in Eversion with Gabriel - I just think ‘it’s okay, they’re already in the story, their support is there, they’re going to be okay.’ It’s...extremely rare for me to write stories where the character goes through their worst trauma within the story. Science of Fear is an exception to that, but as most people know if they’ve read it - Nathan blacks out early on, and then once more, we only find out the details of his worst trauma in the form of nightmares, flashbacks and dialogue.

That’s partly because I feel personally that I write trauma recovery stories, and not trauma stories (it doesn’t sound like a huge difference, but to me it’s a huge difference). And then secondly because there is a buffer through the trauma itself being in the form of a memory. That...makes it a lot easier for me to cope with. I’ve spent my entire life learning how to cope with flashbacks, after all. But also, even if the character is clearly destroyed by a flashback, the fact is, they survived it. The flashback is living proof they survived it.

But anyway, I’d say me taking breaks from my own writing because of disturbing content specifically doesn’t really happen anymore and I can’t remember the last time it did. I take breaks because I’m struggling with a chapter - i.e. how to write it mechanically, or because I feel like it doesn’t have the emotional strength I want it to have yet. I am actually very comfortable with many of the themes I write, I’d have a far squickier, grosser, harder time writing pregnancy, or a story filled with only fluff, which is y’know, why...I don’t really write those things, lol. I’m too much of a hedonist to want to write content that scared me away from my own content? Like, you do you, folks, but I’m going to be over here actually enjoying what I write, disturbing matter and all.

That doesn’t mean other people can’t have a hard time with it. It’s totally okay for people to take breaks from whatever they read, for whatever reason. And since a lot of the characters I write do engage in troubling behaviour, it wouldn’t be great if people said ‘that behaviour is okay to do in real life’ because it isn’t. But if someone said ‘god I love that villain because he’s awful’ then yeah, I’m right there with pom poms, because that’s my jam too. And if someone else said ‘I can’t stand that villain because he’s awful’ then yeah, that’s awesome as well.

And if people need to take breaks while reading what I’m writing because they’re engaging in self-care, then good! I’ve needed to do the same with other people’s writing. Because the journey of the reader is different to the journey of the writer (this is for me, truest when writing porn, lmao, I’m not turning myself on when I write those scenes, but I sure as hell hope I’m turning on at least some readers --> so if I’m not walking away from the disturbing content in my own writing, that doesn’t mean I’m not hoping people won’t be disturbed when reading it).