#I be flip-flopping on whether I want these 2 to suffer or not lol

[smolmakerel]

Everyone absolutely puts Sam and Tara through the ringer with their trauma. Like, yeah, I still eat that content up, but I need to see some more posts about them being absolute menaces in general.

I have 2 siblings and they're pains in my ass. We could fist fight and then not speak for an hour, and then one of them comes to me like, "hey, wanna go to McDonald's" and I'd drive us there while we blast the music.

Sam and Tara, before all that shit with their family happened, most likely had some chaotic sister moments. They grew up as sisters (obviously) and know everything about each other. This leads to the Natural Sibling Chaos (tm).

Sam and Tara, watching their mom yell at them about the concerning amount of windows they broke:

Tara, trying not to laugh:

Sam: What?

Tara silently mocks Christina's angry mom face to Sam. Sam is trying not to laugh now because why the hell is Christina making that face.

Also in the future when Sam comes back and they have Trauma and Body Counts under their belts, they get more chaotic.

Tara: I have a solution to take care of our new Ghostface problem.

Sam, relieved: Gracias a Dios, what is it?

Tara: It involves fire.

Sam, slowly getting worried: Ok...

Tara: And the bomb I learned how to make at 3 am last night.

Sam: You made a WHAT?

[vannahfanfics]

“Well, here is my description: I am a girl who loves to read, video games, draw and animated series (and also anime). I like guys who can talk about anything and who are affectionate. And I have a soft spot for bad guys. My dream is to become a psychologist to help people overcome their problems and become the people they once were and even better, and also because I like to analyze people. I hope this gives you an idea. <3″ 

@eu-ayk, Thank you for your patience! As you can imagine, medical school is grueling so I’ve gotten a bit behind on all my projects ^u^” I’m working hard to finish them all up though! So, your match-up!

I match you with...

Hatsuharu Sohma from Fruits Basket!

Yep, this is the one! Hatsuharu shares a lot of interests with you, especially videogames— there’s nothing he enjoys more than just lazing around with you doing some gaming, whether you’re playing against one another, cooperating, or playing two totally different games. He’s also somewhat into anime, especially because a lot of the younger kids like it, and he’s not a picky guy; he goes with the flow and will do whatever will make you happy! 

Hatsuharu is really laid-back and chill, and not afraid to say what’s on his mind most of the time. So that makes him a great guy to talk to, whether it be idle chatter or deep 2 a.m. philosophical rants. He loves to listen to you, too, ramble on about any old thing. Honestly, he’s just affectionate all around; this man is not shy when it comes to showing his partner he loves them! Such a sweetheart. 

He also thinks it’s great that you want to be a psychologist and help others! He and his family have suffered a lot, so it makes him proud that you want to devote your life to helping people overcome their traumas. He will 1000% come to you trying to get tips to try and give Yuki LOL, it’s really funny. 

Now, you said you like bad boys (don’t we all)? While Haru is sweet most of the time, sometimes the boy just has to snap... So here’s how it goes the first time you witness “Dark Haru”!:

Kyo’s got a smart mouth; we all know this. Most of the time, haru is able to just ignore the bristly cat boy, but, well... The first time Kyo pops off with something not-so-nice about you, Haru just snaps. 

Like, he has instantly flipped Kyo over judo-style, flat on his back on the tatami floor, leaving him stunned. Haru’s face is screwed up in a taunting sneer as he just eggs Kyo on to go scrap it out a couple rounds in the front yard, while Shigure is already opening the sliding door to keep it from getting damaged (again). 

Everyone looks to you in shock, expecting you to be startled by Haru’s sudden switch in mood, and are surprised to find you... blushing? 

Oh yes, you’re secret affection for bad boys has suddenly come to light... You can’t help but be exhilarated, seeing Haru acting so tough! And he’s gonna take notice, too, grabbing your chin and flirting hard. It’s a wonder you don’t faint from your heart rate sailing through the roof!

Of course, all it takes is Yuki lightly whapping Haru upside the head to get him to switch back to his normal, calm demeanor. Ignoring Kyo entirely, he just asks if you’re okay and if that side of him scared you... 

He’s a little baffled when you meekly explain that you kind of found it hot, LOL. Shigure is laughing it up in the background making all sorts of innuendos, and Kyo is still on his back, wondering where in life he went wrong. Well, Haru is at least relieved that his alternate personality doesn’t frighten you... That makes things easier.

So, I mentioned Hatsuharu loves to talk about anything and everything. You guys sure would have some weird conversations, especially as the night deepens and you get a little delirious with lack of sleep. Here’s a look at how one of those conversations might go!:

The starlight filtered in through the half-open window, which allowed the curtains to ripple gently, splaying ever-shifting shadows across your bedroom floor. You and Hatsuharu were sprawled on the bed, with you snuggled up into his side with one of his arms looped around your middle. His other casually propped himself up in the pillows, as he kept his gaze trained on you rambling on about some topic in psychology he had no idea about. Not that he cared; he loved to listen to you ramble all the same. 

After your voice fades into sleepy silence, Haru perks up, “You ever wonder if you’re the only person in the world, and everyone else you just imagined to keep from being lonely?” 

You sit up with a snort, a look of both amusement and incredulity on your face. “I’m just asking a question,” he pouts as you regard him with a shake of your head. “It’s weird to think about, right? Like, I know I exist, but how do you really know anyone else exists?” 

“You’re a dork,” you assure him with a playful nod. He purses his lips and narrows his pretty snow-white eyebrows at you, prompting you to gently punch him in the shoulder. “I’m just kidding. I guess I’ve thought something along those lines before... I’ve also wondered if we’re all simulations being controlled by aliens.” 

“Like the Sims?” 

“Yeah!” 

“That would explain why I walk into a room and suddenly forget what I came in there for,” he postulates with a look of revelation. You laugh, the sound ringing through the quiet bedroom and floating out your window into the night. Humming in contentment, you flop back down into the bed, half of your body slung over Hatsuharu. He didn’t mind —  he never did — and gently held your hips in his hands as you smiled sweetly up at him. 

“Well, even if you aren’t real, I’m still glad you’re a figment of my imagination, Haru.” 

“That’s sweet, but also kind of frightening.” 

Giggling, you shuffled up a little to press a kiss to the tip of his nose. Haru wasn’t satisfied with that, chasing your face as it retreated to kiss your lips longingly — like he really was afraid you weren’t real. You melted into his touch, his presence, and took comfort in his embrace as the night deepened around you. 

Well, if you were a Sim after all, you were grateful to your alien overlord for giving you such a great boyfriend, at least. 

Interested in a commission? Check out this post!

[pompadorkery]

Can we do a 1-50 of Lucy then or is that too much?

1.A little-known talent of your OC?Lucy is surprisingly handy and good at fixing small things aroundthe house.

2.What trait does your OC like best about themself? (Eyes, guitarskills, random bird facts, etc)His body. For the most part, its why most people like him and payattention to him.

3. How many pillows does your OC sleep with?Preferably 2. Buthe can suffer with just one.

4. Is your OC good at keeping secrets?Yes. He kept hisvillainous intent a secret while attending U.A. He’s good at keepinghis lips sealed.

5. Your OC’s worst habit?He talks with his hands a lot. Lotsof gesturing. Also, he tends to get in the way a lot, he alwaysmanages to be where he doesn’t belong.

6. Does your OC prefer tennis shoes/sneakers or flip flops?He’snot a fan of either really. But he’ll take sneakers over flip flops.

7. What is your OC’s opinion on body modifications?Answeredhere~

8. Your OC is given a full-ride scholarship to any college theycould want to go to. Where do they go and what do they major in?Noopinion really. He never expected to seek out higher education.

9. What chore does your OC hate the most?Probably doingdishes.  

10. Would your OC prefer to live in the city, the suburbs, or thecountry?He loves the city~ It’s where all the fun stuff is!

11. Is your OC a blanket hog?Yes. For sure. He loves to benestled and warm.

12. Would your OC play by the rules in a fight or take cheapshots?He kinda has to play dirty when it comes to fighting. It’sthe most beneficial for his quirk.

13. Does your OC have a widow ’s peak?Nope!

14. Happy birthday! What kind of present would your OC want?Well.He loves expensive shoes, or designer clothes. Buuut… nowadays,he’ll take what he can get. Even just an acknowledgment is something.

15. Something that grosses your OC out?He’s got a strongstomach, and not a lot of things phase him. But nasty publicrestrooms are probably a bit gross factor for him.

16. Your OC is suddenly on an adventure! Where do they go and whatdo they do?He’s gonna sniff out the biggest, strongest, andhopefully wealthiest person around. He doesn’t mind being a dog for asugar daddy.

17. Is there a real person that looks like your OC?I mean,there’s a few people on instagram and twitter that I’ve seen lmao.Unintentional though.

18. Something that makes your OC laugh without fail?It’s alittle cruel, but seeing Monozuki struggle with mundane human thingsis quite amusing. Also seeing cat-fights on reality tv shows.

19. Something that makes your OC cry without fail?Not muchbrings him to tears. But he does get a little sad and weepy when thestray cats he feeds wind up dead or injured.

20. A obscure/ridiculous fear your OC has?Well I mean. He’safraid of people leaving him. But that’s not really obscure. He’s nota huge fan of big  dogs? He’s kinda scared that they’ll topple himover.

21. Does your OC have any type of disability, whether it bemental, physical, etc?Not really a disability, but he does sufferfrom mood swings due to the whole dying and being reanimated thing.(also, in the beginning he couldn’t fall asleep without dying again,so, there’s that)

22. Does your OC get frustrated when people forget to close thedoor behind themselves?Not really. He’s honestly the type to doso, lol.

23. What is your OC’s first memory?He vaguely remembers hismother, but its foggy. Mostly, he just recalls living in Italy,beautiful cathedrals, etc.

24. Something you like that your OC would hate?Tacky clothes.

25. Your OC is going into battle/on a mission! What song is theiranthem?I mean. You can’t go wrong with “Toxic” by BritneySpears

26. Does your OC have good or bad posture?Pretty good. Hedoesn’t slouch all that much.

27. Most despicable thing your OC has ever done?Well. He’s avillain. So he’s kinda shitty. But uh… killing an innocent girlbecause he was extremely jealous is one pretty nasty thing. Or, whenhe was younger, manipulating a teacher into sleeping with him.Overall, he’s led  a pretty despicable life.

28. Is your OC a conspiracy theorist?Nah. He doesn’t careabout all that.

29. Someone does something awful in front of your OC. How do theyhandle it?Depends on what it is. Cause like… being awful iskind of a turn on for him sometimes. He kinda likes when people breakthe rules or do something illegal.

30. What is your OC’s favorite drink?He enjoys a nice icedmocha~

31. Does your OC prefer to sleep in a warm or cool area?Helikes to be warm IN a cool area, if that makes sense. The warm feelsso much better when its a little chilly around you.

32. Would your OC like you if they met you?Probably not.

33. A song that reminds you of your OC?“S&M” byRihanna

34. Is your OC a nail biter?Nope. He doesn’t want them to lookall gross and chewed up.

35. What is your OC’s favorite quote?“Die young. Leave apretty corpse.”

36. Your OC’s favorite fashion era? (20’s, 70’s, etc)Iscurrent an option?

37. Does your OC get excited when they get mail?He does!Normally its because he ordered something. That’s really the onlymail  he ever gets.

38. Random thunderstorm! How does your OC react?He couldn’tcare less. He’ll probably wait out the rain indoors, but thunderdoesn’t scare him.

39. A strange talent of your OC?He’s actually book smart?Like, he’s good at math and stuff. He’s actually competent whenhelping Monozuki with paperwork.

40. Assuming your OC doesn’t have them already, what superpowerwould they want? If they do already, would they change it, keep it,or get rid of it?He’s already got his quirk, and he’s totallyfine with it. Its fun :3

41. Does your OC like/make puns?He rarely makes them, andgenerally only humors those who use them if he wants something fromthem.

42. What kind of shampoo does your OC use?Well, for awhile hehas to suffer through using Monozuki’s 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner,body wash combo. It’s awful and he hates it. As soon as he’s able, hegets himself some nice stuff that smells pretty.

43. Your OC wakes up with a coin super glued to their forehead.How do they react?Annoyed. But, oh well. He’ll rip that bitchoff. His hair covers his forehead anyway, so if there’s a blemishit’ll be hidden.

44. Can your OC sleep if there’s any kind of light?It’llprobably take him a little longer to fall asleep, but he can if he’stired enough.

45. What kind of self-esteem does your OC have?Very high. He’squite vain and he thinks he’s very cute.

46. A word that your OC can’t stand?Honestly. After awhile,the word “patient” really starts to irk him.

47. Does your OC fold their clothes, hang them up, or just leavethem in the basket/dryer?He usually hangs his clothes.

48. Would society call your OC a good guy or a bad guy? What wouldthey say they are?They’d call him a bad guy and he would agree.

49. Your OC’s most prized possession?Probably his phone. Hedoesn’t have much else.

50. What is your OC’s happy place?

Sadly enough, he doesn’t really haveone.

[shinozaki-ayumi]

Please answer all the things from the ask thing I can't decide what I want to know most :'''(

omg thats ok!! this’ll be a long one then lol

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

its my boyfriend, so i’d probably be just like… “oh hey, that’s cool”

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

he’s my boyfriend lol

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

yeah mostly because i don’t want to associate myself with it and i’d also just be really concerned about their health too? like weed isn’t bad but anything else is a no

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

nope. exactly 6

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober bc i don’t drink lol

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

the only person i’ve ever had a crush on is my current and only boyfriend so no 

7. What does your last received text say?

“pack up your stuff”

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

too many times over the past three years to even begin to count

9. Where was your last kiss at?

about 20 mins ago at my boyfriend’s front door

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

i don’t have a sister, but i have a brother and i saw him 2 minutes ago

11. What do you drink in the morning?

tea or milk

12. Where did you sleep last night?

in my own bed 

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

not really because if you are really meant to be with someone you both will put in the effort to make sure you are respectful of each other. i do think it’s probably difficult to find a partner though, especially in high school bc those almost never last. 

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

not really honestly lol. this year has been pretty decent.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

nope. it would prooobably be pretty awesome actually

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

rainy! i love rain so much. it’s so relaxing to listen to and watch.

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

no. my middle name is Jean, so i don’t know many people with that as a middle name. i don’t think it’s very popular.

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

pajama pants :D

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

hell yes. my boyfriend and i have been together for three years already and are more stable and loving than we ever have. 

20. Does anyone like you?

not at the moment i don’t think, but i have known about several guys who have liked me. aside from the current bf, they were all… gross….

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

my boyfriend’s name is Stefan lol

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

nope, he’s straight as can be

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

SO MANY. SO SO MANY.

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

absolutely! i want something simple (like a triforce or something) on my wrist or ankle. 

25. In the past week have you cried?

this morning lmao

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

mutt/mix/hunting dog thing. idk what she is. her name is hazel and she is my boyfriend’s dog.

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

mix of both? lol

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

no none of the football players at my school are even remotely attractive to me 

29. Do you think you’re old?

…im 16, so no

30. Do you like text messaging?

it’s ok. but honestly, in comparison to the past few years, i just prefer talking in person or on skype

31. What type of day are you having?

GARBAGE but its ok because its getting better as it goes :)

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

no… the only piercings i want are more ear piercings.

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

cold. like, mid fall weather. 

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

i would literally die to save my boyfriend from suffering

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship; flings/one-time things are not appealing to me. i like friendship and emotional bonding.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

complicated, but i don’t think anyone is really “simple.”

37. What song are you listening to?

none, my computer just decided to turn volume up to 100% for some reason without me pressing the buttons and now my ears are ringing. nice.

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

depends who i’m talking to and whether or not they deserve it39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

a girl? ya, but only one. i only have a few female friends. most of my friends are boys lol40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

i had a dream that they were sleeping in my room and the next day at school i almost threw up when i saw them. good times.41. When did you last receive a text message?

about an hour ago42. What is wrong with you right now?

TOO. MUCH. HOMEWORK. 43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

she’s my mom, so pretty well i think lol44. Does anyone disgust you?

a variety of people. pro-life people especially disgust me. also any religious zealots and closed-minded people in general. 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

no, way too dedicated to my actual boyfriend.46. Are you in a good mood right now?

i’ve been better but my current mood is far better than my mood yesterday/this morning!!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my mom48. What color shirt are you wearing?

black49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yeah… it’s pretty personal though. not gonna talk about it.50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not currently but in the past year or two, many people51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

not in the slightest

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

not sure if this means in a relationship or not but platonically yes. that friendship ended in far shittier ways though, so sometimes i sort of regret it. don’t think it could’ve ended any other way though.53. Do you like rain?

I LOVE RAIN 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

yeah because if they are a huge party animal who wants to drink all the time and loves being drunk all the time i am NOT compatible with them. casually drinking once in a while would probably be fine though.55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

the only person i’ve ever liked is fully aware that i like him lol56. Do you like to cuddle?

YES. SO MUCH. I LIVE ON CUDDLES.57. Are you shy?

yeah but i’m growing out of it a bit!!!58. Do you get along with girls?

not really59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

currently dating60. What do you carry with you at all times?

phone, pencils, sketchbook61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

I’D DO IT FOR FREE 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

it’s been three years in my current one, so yes lol63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

you all know the answer to this64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

yes i love when he does this. its gentle and reassuring65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

idk. not cute, but i had some nice moments with my bf. mostly just laying on my bed and talking about “deep” stuff while playing fire emblem

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

theres only been one and he’s 17 

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

do them myself but i haven’t done my nails in years    68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

can i say neither69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

i dont have a car but my family does not70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?   

….can i say neither?  71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? 

iPhone   72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?   

ages ago because my town’s only Pizza Hut closed years ago  73. Do you like diet soda?    

no those cancer-inducing chemicals can stay 5000000 miles away from my body74. What color are the walls in your room?    

dark yellow-y tan 75. Are you 16 or older?    

i’m 1676. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?   

no, tried, not a fan 77. Do you have a job?    

no and i am dreading it. i’d like to take commissions instead lol

 78. What are your initials?  

EJC  79. Did you ever have braces?    

yes and they are long gone. i am grateful80. Are you from the south?    

nope, upstate New York! best state 

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

i don’t use facebook82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?  

lol  83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

my mom84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?  

neither  85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?  

i genuinely do not remember. i think Rogue One  86. Do you smoke?    

HELL no 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

flip flops88. Is your phone touch screen?    

yes89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

straight90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

no91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?   

pool 92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

yes93. …Had sex in a car?  

no lol  94. Are you single or in a relationship?  

in a relationship  95. What were you doing last night at midnight? 

sleeping   

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? 

fourth of july on Saratoga Lake    97. Do you like the camera on your phone?  

its much better than my last one, but still not the best. i have a 5s   98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?   

nope 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

never drank 100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?  

not on facebook, but on instagram yes  101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

yes even though it was 99.9% irrational. i’m tokophobic lol. thank god for the pill 102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

i cant even name one 103. Do you have any tan lines right now?  

HAHAHAHAHAHA i’m of british and german descent (aka about as white as they can come) so my skin burns, never tans   104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?  

absolutely not

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhhhh... *derp* (More stuff about indecision, some talk about doctors and some blog changes)

Lately has been well... kinda okay but mostly meh. I’ve been flip flopping between feeling somewhat content with myself and a little motivated and feeling absolutely empty inside and distraught. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post here (actually a reblog lol) and I’ve really been wanting to write a post but I’m still stuck in the habit of putting it off until I know for sure what I want to write or have the privacy to do so. Or maybe it’s just me being a big scaredy cat again :< I think from now on I’ll try to just write as if I’m writing in a diary, so more spontaneous and with less worrying about structure/keeping to just one topic or whether someone reads it or not, as I’m doing this for myself and my benefit most.

Although I was dawdling I did however sort out quite a lot of stuff to do with the blog and some good stuff irl (which I’ll get to later or in another post). One of the main things to mention is that I switched this blog from my primary one to a side one, which does make more sense and makes me feel a bit more at ease which should make it a bit easier to write and post without the restraint I was feeling before. Whether to keep them linked or not idk, I feel uneasy about it but I don’t think it should matter, I mean it is still me on both blogs and everything. I just wanted to separate the huge blocks of serious emotional text from the random cutesy and silly stuff I also wanted to post, but I think I might still post mental health related things to my main one, just in the form of images and not essays like these lol. 

Also I changed the urls from the hyphenated and maybe overly fancy termed things they were previously to more simple and cute ones. I still feel a lil iffy about them (like this blog url feels a bit ‘cold’ but looks pretty and flows well while my main one sounds more ‘warm’ but the world cuddly doesn’t flow well or look as nice lol) but whatever I’ll grow to like them or just change them again whenever, I spent way too much time agonising over them, it’s time to move on! I fixed up the about pages on both of them too, the links and tags pages are still empty for now, but I’m content enough with the way they are now to actually begin posting properly soon I hope. Oh and the current avatar/sidebar image is a really crappy drawing I made 2-3 years ago with a mouse when I was feeling down and was going to make and name this blog ‘rainysnail’ lol. I still might use that name/url someday for something though ^^

I searched for ‘extreme indecisiveness’ in google the other day because I was that frustrated with myself about well, being indecisive (and it was over the same lame url/blog stuff as before, not surprise surprise). I know there’s a lot of stigma around consulting ‘Dr.Google’ and self diagnosis being looked down on as it could prove to be more harmful in some cases and I won’t lie, I do get kinda hypochondriac-ish sometimes, but sometimes it can be very educational and helpful too. I just wanted to know if I was feeling something... something valid(?) or if I was just being an idiot. 

I came across ‘Aboulomania’ on my indecisiveness search and wow, it sounds pretty similar to AVPD and my current feelings but the way it’s written is kinda heavier? (and hella typo-ey/engrish-y lol I just chose that one because it seemed to have the most info from the few I clicked on). Idk... it doesn’t seem to be as much of a known/legit thing so there doesn’t seem to be that many sources on it or at least any reputable ones (though I didn't look particularly hard or for a long time though but once you’re past page 2 on google everything is bleh anyways lol). Also on its definition here lol it talks about ‘analysis paralysis’ and that’s something I kinda knew of and struggle with already. I feel some resonance with this finding and feel a little more assured and saddened at the same time, but I’m not about to run around screaming I have this thing or anything. Maybe I’ll look into it more another time but right now I kinda don’t have the energy to .__.

Indecision is something that appears and could be caused by all sorts of disorders, even just depression alone or a whole mix of other things and factors. Many disorders overlap (like the stuff in cluster c which I feel are most relevant to me) and trying to pinpoint exact reasons and causes for things to do with mental health is near impossible, so I don’t wanna dwell on it. I have therapy soon so having a professional help work out things is a much better idea (unless they also consult Dr.Google like some of the stories I’ve read online lol).

I did see some snippets of advice on indecision on another page and it was basically to let go of the feeling to try and always be perfect/choose the definitive ‘right’ decision and to just trust your gut feelings instead of leaving yourself to stress over it. Yeah, it’s nothing new really and I have been trying to do this but sometimes it’s just so difficult with all these automatic negative feelings weighing my rationality down and sometimes I forget because it’s so hard wired into me to get anxious and over analytical. *Sigh* ...but if I keep reminding myself I think it will stick more in the end. I have already adopted the ‘it doesn’t hurt to try’, ‘just do it, ‘yolo’, ‘no1curr’ etc. kind of mindset/mantra when I get hesitant before doing something that I usually avoid lol, sometimes it fails but the times when I have been brave and not overthought or avoided I’ve felt kinda proud of myself and there were some positive-ish outcomes too. So I just need to continue and allow myself to grow stronger in mind and spirit (and hopefully body too).

In relation to what I said before about the whole ‘Dr.Google’ thing, I thought maybe take the time now to write about my experiences with doctors in general. Many times in the past and even now when I would be explaining my problem (whether physical or mental) to a doctor, they would just shake their head and scoff to them self or even outright laugh smugly and then dismiss it straight away (especially if I mentioned I read something on the internet). The feeling of being fobbed off and even ridiculed by someone that’s supposed to be helping didn’t fare well on my confidence at all and I feel it is a reason I wasn’t proactive in sorting out a lot of the problems I’m still dealing with and obviously I am regretful, maddened and saddened as many of them could have been avoided or alleviated better if they were dealt with sooner.

I’m not saying all doctors are like this, I think it was those particular doctors that were the problem and thank goodness I don’t have to choose to see them anymore (I hope). My current doctor (who I actually came across due to those mean doctors being unavailable one time) is worlds apart in the way he handles things. He is so kind and accommodating to start with, listens well to any concerns, addresses them with great care and reassurance and is very adept at scheduling appointments for further investigations. I feel he really goes above and beyond and has both a friendly and personal but professional demeanour. I mean he isn’t 100% godly perfect as there were times I felt a bit iffy with some of the explanations and prescriptions and sometimes things were delayed, but he does try hard to help and is not against reading information from the internet and in fact encourages it and utilises it himself (eg. printing a informational page on a certain health thing from a reliable health website).

When I presented some info and concerns relating to a health problem I was having investigated already but felt was going in the wrong direction (ie. going down the typical ‘fob you off with the most common explanation so you go away’ route) he explained that it’s the typical process to go for the most common things first when investigating and agreed another route of investigation would be beneficial, more relevant and time efficient so he arranged that too. This doctor is such an awesome and good natured person and I’m so grateful, but he may only be temporary at the place I go to however and it makes me sad to think I might end up with the mean kind again someday. But the lesson is to not settle on doctors that are not helpful or any other type of awful and that there are good people out there. Something that was really very prominent and touching about going to this doctor is that my mother and sister who go with me sometimes were also stunned by how nice and helpful he’s been.

I distinctly remember one of the first times I went to see him with my mum and at that point I had been ill for so long already and she was obviously very worried about me. At the end of the appointment he announced what he would recommend me for investigation and assured that he’d help me get better soon with a smile and then he pointed to my mum next to me who I wasn’t facing at the time and I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something about my mum crying. When I turned to look, she was indeed crying and I couldn’t stop my own eyes from watering either. I have never ever EVER seen my mum cry before, so it shocked me a lot and made me emotional too. I mean my sister told me she did cry one time recently, but that was when she was so stressed and upset over a family matter on her side of the family :c It’s not like this is something on my bucket list or anything, because I would rather her never be upset or cry for a bad reason, but this showed how much she cares and worries for me and in this case she was crying because she was happy, relieved that she would possibly not have to see me suffer as much and was moved to tears.

Unfortunately the problems have still not been resolved or fully recognised yet, and recently one of the doctors recommended to help investigate fobbed me off and it feels bleh lol... no not lol... very un-lol :< But at least the investigation is still going further in some way I guess and I’ll take his words with a grain of salt, I’ve yet to see my regular doctor to discuss what happens next. I think I’ve just backed down and passively taken whatever explanations too much in the past with negative results or progress and Idk I have a hard time accepting things some doctors say nowadays, a lot of it seems contradictory, sometimes illogical or outdated, robotic, insincere etc. 

When I’m reading what I’ve just written it keeps making me worried I’m a ass or have trust issues or something... :< I know doctors are meant to be serious and professional, but I can’t shake the feeling that some of them are not nice/unwilling to help as much as they could. I have had so many past experiences to do with being treated differently and being prejudiced against and it still happens today and not just to me but all of my family members, it’s tough and really upsetting... :c

It is true though, that you really have to push and persist if you want something done about a problem, and many times people are let go and misdiagnosed with stuff that ends up being something different or a lot more serious. I’m not saying whatever I have is ultra serious and I wouldn’t know anyways. I am clearly not dying, and I hope I’m not, but when I was without medication at the beginning I felt so bad and I was so scared of dying (even though usually idgaf thanks to depression etc.) I’m scared of being in pain and having to suffer both physically and mentally forever. I want to get better, become a stronger person. do the things that matter and well, in a nutshell live my life to the fullest.

Anyways, about the app with the normal doctor... I avoided phoning on a day I could’ve gotten a sooner appointment (my sister encouraged me to, but she was away that day and my mum said it was an inconvenient day to go, but it actually wasn’t really... I should I have pushed myself to go forward even so...) the appointment I do have is 2 weeks away from what it could’ve been. But I guess maybe someone else might have taken that appointment that needed it more urgently, or there might not have been any available that day anyways w/e. Avoidance playing up again... be more brave silly self!

I was planning to write some more happier stuff that’s been going but this post is already quite long so a separate post it is~ and I won’t keep putting it off! Tbh I’m only comfortable pulling up my blog and writing my feels whenever I am alone, so when my family are all at work, but this only occurs on random days and for such a short span of time. Or at least when I know they are all busy downstairs, I can try but I feel like I have to be extra alert and switch it away when they do come. I... ugh idk :c I don’t want to be secretive or feel guilty but I can’t help it, it’s just so hard and frustrating. I can’t even write what illnesses I was talking about earlier on (though I do hope to dedicate whole posts to writing about them later). I will improve and forgo this paranoid feeling someday though! Believe it! *cringe*