#I am. very very very very very very normal about that song ::::))))) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

deerlysacred · 8 hours ago

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🍎 i feel so high school every time i look at you . . . { dean winchester x fem!reader }

𐂂 𝄢 { you always felt like you missed out on lots of silly, social & romantic things in your teenage years because you were very shut-down and depressed back then. dean shows you that there's still time to make up for it. }

𖣂 𝄢 plot : established relationship & fluff

♫ 𝄢 concept song : so high school - taylor swift

Clink.

. . .

Clink!

The soft clatter of pebbles against your bedroom window barely registered at first. You were curled up under a mountain of blankets, comfortably burrowed in your own little nest, flipping through a book with a cup of tea precariously (?) balanced on your stomach. You told yourself it was probably just the wind. Or a tree branch. Or, you know, the natural creaks and groans of a house that is absolutely not haunted (you hoped so).

Then— another clink.

And another.

You sighed, your eyebrows knitting together.

Okay. Either a ghost just decided to throw hands, or some poor bird tragically lost its sense of direction.

You went out of bed, padding over to the window as you pulled the curtains away. Your eyes widened against the unexpected scene.

Dean Winchester. Standing in your backyard, throwing rocks at your window.

The sight alone was almost too much for your brain to process. He was grinning up at you like some teenage heartthrob straight out of an '80s rom-com, one hand tucked into the pocket of his leather jacket while the other —oh great— prepared to lob another pebble.

"Dean?" you whisper-yelled, opening your window. "What the hell are you doing?"

"What's it look like, sweetheart?" he whisper-yelled right back, looking too proud of himself. "I'm sneakin' my girl out for a date. Proper teenage style. Now c'mon, before your strict old folks catch me."

You just stared at him, struggling to process several things at once. One, he is standing in your yard throwing pebbles at your window like a delinquent in a coming of age TV show. Two, he just called you his girl, which— okay, that probably should've sound normal to you since you're his girlfriend indeed. For a while now, in fact. But your brain still short-circuited a little, getting flustered even after all this time.

"…Dean, I don't have strict old folks."

He waved a dismissive hand. "I dunno, Y/N. Your grandma did glare at me once. Feels like I'm riskin' life and limb here."

You bit back a laugh. "You do realize I could just use the door, right?"

Dean scoffed, his breath getting visible with the fog because of the chilly air of the evening. "Oh, sure, and miss out on the whole forbidden romance, Romeo-and-Juliet, sneakin'-through-the-night scene? Where's your sense of drama, sweetheart? Hm? Where's your passion?" He gestured grandly towards the window and flexed his muscles briefly. "Now, c'mon. Climb out or somethin'. I'll catch ya."

You folded your arms, shaking your head as you chuckled. "You will not catch me!"

Dean put a hand over his heart, looking scandalized. "Excuse me? I am a gentleman. I would absolutely catch you."

"Dean, be honest. Do you want to risk finishing this date night before it even began after you broke your arm because you got too full of yourself?"

He squinted, like he was actually considering the question. "…Okay, fair point. Plan B— the a ladder in the garage. We improvise."

You shook your head again, a helpless smile breaking through. You knew why he was doing this. He probably couldn't stop thinking about what you told him last night— how you felt like you missed out on things as a teenager. How you overthink about the past missed opportunities sometimes, okay… Maybe more than sometimes. And here he was now. And because that he was Dean, instead of just saying something sweet or reassuring and get over with it (not like he was very good with words too), he was throwing pebbles at your window like a teenage rebel, giving you the moment you never got to have.

And damn it if that didn't make you fall for him even more.

"Give me a minute." you said, already reaching for your coat.

Dean grinned, all boyish mischief and dimples, retrieving the slightly rusted ladder from the garage, setting it against the house. "That's my girl, come."

You sighed and closed the window before carefully making your way back down. When you were only a couple of steps from the bottom, Dean suddenly spread his arms wide, wiggling his fingers.

"Alright, sweetheart— leap of faith. I got you."

You eyed him warily. "Dean…"

"Oh, come on. Where's your sense of adventure? Woulda made such a cute movie moment."

You rolled your eyes but decided to humor him. With a deep breath, you let go of the ladder and jumped.

Dean, to his credit, did catch you. Mostly.

He stumbled back a step, arms full of you, before he managed to steady them both, laughing. "See? Told ya I'd—oof—catch you."

You clung to him, half-giggling, half-mortified. "That was not smooth."

"Eh, I give it a solid eight outta ten," Dean said, setting you on your feet. He brushed an imaginary leaf off your shoulder, voice dipping low and playful. "Y'know, if this was some cheesy teen drama, this'd be the part where we kiss real slow, right before your dad comes out with a shotgun."

You snorted, tilting your head. "Too bad my dad's not around to threaten you."

Just as the two of you turned towards the Impala, movement from across the street caught your eye.

Mr. Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins was your eighty-something-year-old neighbor who sits on his porch every night sipping his coffee, watching the world go by. And right now, he was watching you and Dean with the exact expression of a man who has seen some things in his time but has never seen this.

Dean followed your gaze and gave Mr. Jenkins a slow, respectful nod.

Mr. Jenkins narrowed his eyes. Took a sip of coffee. Kept staring.

Dean turned back to you, whispering. "Alright, I think I've been made. Your grandpa's gonna call the cops, isn't he?"

"He's not my grandpa."

"You sure? He's got that 'disapproving man of the house' energy goin' on."

You sighed. "Just get in the car before he starts asking questions."

Dean tugged open the Impala's door with a dramatic flourish, waving you in like he's some kind of old-school gentleman. "After you, milady."

"Dean…?" you said slowly, side-eyeing him.

"Mm?" He looked perfectly innocent. Too innocent.

"You're taking me to a makeout spot?"

Dean smirked. "Technically, I'm takin’ you to a scenic overlook with a great view of the stars." A beat. "But, yeah, also a makeout spot."

You groaned, slumping against the seat. "I hate everything."

"Nahhh, you love it."

…You kind of did love it. But he didn't need to know that.

When he finally pulled up to the clearing, the view was stunning. An open sky stretching for miles, stars shining bright against the darkness, the town lights twinkling far below. Dean shut off the engine and hopped out, you hugged your coat and went out to clim up on the hood of Baby to sit. When Dean came back, he was holding— a picnic basket?

Your brows shot up. "Oh my God, you packed snacks?"

Dean looked vaguely offended. "Sweetheart, I always pack snacks."

You laughed as he set the basket down on the hood of the Impala and sat next to you. He pulled out a few chocolate bars, a bag of chips, and—of course—a pack of beer.

"Very nutritious." you remarked.

Dean popped the cap off a bottle. "Hey, you want gourmet, sweetheart, you're in the wrong car."

You rolled your eyes but took a chocolate bar, unwrapping it as you leaned back against the windshield, eyes drifting to the sky. It really was beautiful up here. Quiet. Peaceful.

Then, the soft strumming of a guitar filters through the Impala's speakers. An old, slow love song, the kind that makes your chest ache in that bittersweet way.

You glanced at Dean, who was busy nursing his beer like this was no big deal. Like he didn't just put on a song as if this was a romance movie. Your stomach flipped, biting your bottom lip, you spoke.

"Dean…"

He cleared his throat. "Just thought, y'know… if you ever wanted that teenage movie moment… well. This ain't a prom, but…" He gestured around you. "Got the view. Got the music. Got the devastatingly handsome date."

You giggled, leaning into his side. "You are pretty devastating."

Dean grinned, draping an arm around your shoulders. For a while, you just sat there, listening to the song and cuddling.

After a moment of silence, he glanced down at you as he was caressing your shoulder gently. "So, what kinda stuff do you think you missed out on?"

"I don't know. Just… normal teenage things, I guess. Like— stupid, fun stuff. Sneaking out just to go nowhere. Sleepovers. Gossiping about crushes. A first kiss that wasn't tainted by some deep emotional crisis."

Dean winced playfully. "Oof. That one hit close to home."

You smirked. "Right?"

Dean leaned back on his palms, looking thoughtful. "Yeah, I get that. I missed out on a bunch of crap, too. No high school parties. No prom. No dumb summer jobs or college road trips. Just—" he huffed a dry laugh. "—training, hunting, and trying to keep Sammy safe."

You frowned, reaching for his hand. "That's not fair. You deserved those things, Dean."

He shrugged, squeezing your fingers. "Yeah, well… wasn't in the cards for me."

You looked down at your joined hands, your thumb tracing over his knuckles. "Sometimes I think about it. What kind of person I would've been if things had been different. If I'd been happy back then."

"You ever wish you could do it over?"

You hesitated, then shook your head. "No if it meant I wouldn't end up here. With you."

Dean's lips parted slightly, like you just knocked the wind out of him. Then, after a second, he cleared his throat and smirked. "Damn. You keep talkin' like that, and I'm gonna have to start writing poetry."

"Oh, please. I'd love to hear your poetry."

Dean straightened, putting on a dramatic voice. "Roses are red, Impala is black. Every time you kiss me, I forget how to act."

You laughed and planted a sloppy kiss on his lips. "That was beautiful. You should publish that."

Dean grinned. "Oh, totally. I heard bad poetry is in high demand."

"Then congrats, baby, you're about to be a bestseller."

You sat like that for a while, the laughter fading into something softer, warmer. Then, as the song playing on the radio faded into another slow melody, Dean suddenly sat up.

"Alright, that's it." He turned to you with a grin. "We're fixin' this."

You blinked. "Uh… Fixing what?"

He hopped off the hood, holding out a hand to you. "We missed out on stupid teenage things, right? So let's make up for it. Starting with a slow prom dance under the stars."

You huffed a small laugh but didn't resist when he took your hand, helping you down. The second you were standing, Dean turned, grabbed a soft flannel blanket from the basket, and carefully draped it over your shoulders.

"Wouldn't want my girl gettin' cold." he murmured, making sure it wrapped snugly around you. Then, with a boyish smirk, he added: "Also, this way you can't run when I step on your toes."

You giggled. "Wow. Confidence through the roof, Winchester."

Dean just grinned and pulled you closer, swaying you two gently to the quiet music playing from the Impala's radio.

At first, it was ridiculous. He exaggerated his steps like some old-school ballroom instructor, guiding you dramatically across the dirt like you were at some grand gala instead of parked on an empty hill. But you played along, batting your lashes and letting out an over-the-top sigh, as if you'd just been swept into the most magical moment of your life.

Then, somewhere along the way, the teasing melted into something softer.

Your movements slowed, your bodies falling into an easy rhythm. Your arms looped around Dean's neck, your fingers absentmindedly curling into his hair. His hands settled at your waist, thumbs drawing lazy circles through the fabric of your clothing. The blanket cocooned you in warmth, shielding you from the cold night air.

For a while, you just swayed. No words, no hurry. Just you two, the hum of the radio, the distant chirp of crickets, and the glow of the stars above.

Then Dean dipped his head, his nose brushing lightly against yours. His voice was quieter now, softer. "Y'know… I think I like our version of prom better."

You smiled up at him. "Yeah?"

"Mmhm." His voice was lazy. "No bad music. No ugly corsages. And best of all…" His lips quirked up. "I get to kiss the prettiest girl here."

You barely had time to catch your breath before Dean tilted his head, capturing your lips in a slow, lingering kiss. This one wasn't playful or teasing— it was deep, unhurried, and sure. Reassuring. Reassuring in a way that told you you didn't miss out on anything, everything little step in life brought you here. To him. And you knew, that this was more meaningful and real than any ghost of a never-happened memory.

#dean winchester x you #dean winchester x female!reader #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fic #dean winchester #supernatural

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lonely-ey3s · 14 hours ago

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With All My Love: Chapter 11 | crawl home to her

Chapter 11 : Crawl Home to Her

Word count: 12.6k

Chapter Summary: Joel starts making plans for your future together, getting everything arranged to ask you a very important question. You start going to therapy with Diane and things start to feel like they are going well but when you’re forced to relive Z’s death in a session, it pushes you off the edge. You start to make strides and feel better but soon after, something happens that knocks you completely off your axis, it pushes things out with Joel’s plans to be a little longer than he’d like.

Chapter warnings: SMUT (18+ MDNI), unprotected p in v (wrap it up ya'll), anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks of traumatic memories, mentions of PTSD anxiety, FLUFF, joel being an absolute lover, soft!joel, panic attacks, mentions of death, funeral, depression, use of Spanish and Dari but with translations, lying to partner (justified you’ll see), use of y/n.

A/N: this chapter was inspired by hozier’s ‘work song’ which i feel screams joel and this reader. that’s all i’ll say hehe – enjoy ❣️

Dividers by: @saradika-graphics

Main Masterlist

October 1st

Joel took the day off but didn’t tell you he had it off from work, he got up like normal and kept everything as routine as normal. However he wasn’t going into the office today, he was going to visit his mom for breakfast.

He left the house at 7:15 am, giving you a quick kiss as you were getting ready to go on a run then left the house and headed to his mom’s place.

He got there close to 8 am, she knew he was coming, he called her a few days ago asking if he could come over for breakfast and to talk about something important.

Elena knew. She knew the day she met you. She knew sooner rather than later, he was going to ask for her ring to propose to you. The way Joel held you in his arms, the way he looked at you like no one else was in the room, the way you spoke about him and Sarah, she knew. Joel wasn’t very secretive about his intentions either to his mom, casually asking here and there if she still had the family heirloom or saying something about how he’d like to settle down. Especially around his mom, he held you like you hung the moon and stars, he truly worshipped the ground you graced him with, and the happiness and warmth he had now exhibited, it was all she ever wanted for him.

It was hard watching him with Rachelle, she never seemed devoted to him or even in love with him, just the idea of him. She also hated how she treated him after finding out she was pregnant, like it was only Joel’s fault, holding him solely responsible for something they both took part in.

Joel changed after she told him she was pregnant, he closed himself off, emotionally especially. After trying so hard to love someone who didn’t love you back but then feel tied to that person for the next 18 years, it was one of the worst kinds of pains you could watch your child go through.

If Elena was being honest, when Rachelle left, it was somewhat of a relief. She knew that it would be hard on her son, but she never doubted Joel as a dad to Sarah. She knew he’d do what he needed to raise and love Sarah, that was clear. But what she was scared about was Joel being trapped in a loveless relationship when he had so much to offer and he deserved it back. To know and see how he felt with you, to her, it was all a mother could dream for her child.

She had breakfast cooking when he gently knocked on the front door before walking in, he was dressed in a nice button down and jeans, hair combed nicely as he had to put on the charade that he was dressing to go to work for you.

“Buenos dias mama…” he smiled and came up to her at the stove and kissed her cheek.

“Hola mi amor…” she smiled and nodded for him to sit, “Tengo café listo para ti en la cafetera.” (I have coffee ready for you in the pot.)

Joel smiled and thanked her, grabbing a mug from her cupboard and pouring himself a mug.

“How is your morning so far? How’s Y/N?” she looked back at Joel briefly as she started to plate up the breakfast she had made them, which was pincho de tortilla, one of his favorites.

Joel smiled and leaned against her counter, taking a sip of the coffee, humming, “It was good, she’s well, started talking to a therapist, which she said has been helping with the anxiety and nightmares.” he smiled and looked down at his coffee.

She tsked and nodded towards the table, “Sentémonos y hablemos… comamos.” (Let us sit down and talk… eat.) She grabbed the two plates of food and walked over to the small table she had around her island in the corner of her kitchen.

Joel followed and pulled her chair out for her, she sat and smiled, thanking him. He kissed her cheek gently and touched her shoulder, “Cualquier cosa para ti mamá” (Anything for you mama)

When Joel sat down she looked at him and smiled, studying him, “It’s so nice to see that warmth back in you, mi armor.” she touched his hand softly, “I missed seeing your alma…” (Soul, spirit, heart)

Joel looked up at his mom and warmly smiled, “Mama… I wanted to talk to you about…”

Before he could get the rest of his sentence out she pulled a small blue ring box out of her apron and set it in front of him, “¿Supongo que estás aquí por esto? Le pedirás que se case contigo, ¿sí?” (I assume you are here about this? You will ask her to marry you, yes?)

Joel chuckled looking at the box and teared up, nodding, “Yes mama, but I also came for your blessing.” he looked back up at her.

She tsked and shook his hand, tears falling down her cheeks as she smiled, “Mientras seas feliz, siempre tendrás mi bendición. Ella te hace brillar mi amor, te hace calentar!” (As long as you are happy, you will always have my blessing. She makes you shine my love, makes you warm!)

Joel picked up the box and opened it to reveal his grandmother’s ring which was passed onto his mother that was now either his or Tommy’s, whichever got to it first. It was a marquise-cut diamond in the center with two others to the side and then smaller diamonds around it. It was perfect. He took it out and held it in his fingers, tears streaming down his face, imagining him asking you, thinking about your reaction.

“She’s going to love it, mi vida.” she said softly, looking at the ring with him.

He nodded and cleared his throat, putting it back into the box and closing it, wiping his eyes, chuckling as he blushed.

“So… when will this be happening?” she took a bite of her food and looked at him, probing.

He chuckled and smiled, “I was going to ask her during the holidays but I can’t wait, something just feels right… waiting would…. hazme volverme loco…” (make me go crazy) He scoffed and chuckled lightly before smiling warmly, “...I have a few ideas but need to get this resized first then I’ll know when exactly…” he smiled down at the box, “But soon, as soon as I can.” he looked at her and brightly smiled.

Elena chuckled, “Come cariño, hace frío.” (Eat my darling, it’s getting cold) She shook her head as she smiled and then took his hand and gently squeezed it.

Joel left his mom’s a few hours later; he helped her with a few things around the house.

He drove back and went to watch Sarah practice soccer on the field after school, something he never had time for since most days he worked well past dinner time. He wasn’t the only person watching, but for Sarah, it was the first time in a long time she saw him on the sidelines during practice.

Sarah came up to him when it was over, backpack and duffle bag over her shoulders, “Hey Dad, everything ok?” she said out of breath.

He nodded and smiled, reaching to take both and carry them for her, “Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you about something before you got home.”

Sarah stopped walking, “Whatever you were told I did, I didn’t do unless you have video evidence, which in that case I need to have my lawyer present.” she joked.

Joel chuckled and nodded at her, “Come on… you weirdo. You aren’t in trouble.”

She smiled and caught up with him, “Well then what is it?” she prodded.

Joel smiled, “Let’s get into the truck first.”

He opened his truck door for her and she got in, he tossed her bags in the bed of the truck and then went into the driver's side, shutting the door.

Sarah adjusted in her seat to face him, tucking her foot under her thigh, hands in her lap, “Ok, what’s going on… you’re being oddly hush-hush…” Then she gasped, “Oh my god, am I going to be a big sister?!” she nearly shouted.

Joel chuckled and shook his head, “No, well not yet, no. But I wanted to talk to you about a step I’d like to take with Y/N before that happens…”

She looked at him with disgust, “Dad, I thought you guys were already doing that stuff… why do you need to consult with me about that?”

Joel turned red and shook his hands in front of him, “Oh god, no. I uhm… sorry wrong way to have phrased that, god. No, propose, I want to ask her to marry me.” she blurted out, flustered.

Sarah turned her head and smiled, “Wait what? You’re going to ask her to marry you?”

Joel swallowed, “Well, that’s what I want to talk to you about. How does that make you feel? Is that something you’re ok with?” he looked down at his hands, nervous.

Sarah chuckled like she thought he was messing with her, “You’re kidding right?”

He looked at her with those puppy eyes he has and she realized he was serious, “Oh, Dad… I’d be so proud and happy if you two got married. I think she would be overjoyed if you were to ask! You make each other so happy and take care of each other… I… anyone with two eyes can see you’re perfect for each other.” she smiled softly.

“You don’t think it’d be too quick? Like I’m moving too fast?” he leaned forward, messing with his cuticle.

She shook her head and smiled softly, “Proposing at the airport would have been too fast, but now? No… when you find the one, you… just… know. And Dad, you know she’s the right one.”

Joel nodded and smiled warmly, still messing with his cuticle, “Do you think she’s ready for that step?”

Sarah chuckled, “Dad, she’d marry you tomorrow if you asked.”

Joel looked up at Sarah and smiled, blushing lightly at that thought.

“Point is, she loves you and you love her.” she looked down at her hands and cleared her throat, “When are you gonna do it?” she looked up and grinned, wanting to know details.

Joel chuckled, “I need to know how long it’ll take to get the ring resized and then it’ll be after that.” he smiled.

Sarah perked up, “You’ve already got a ring? What the heck! You didn’t take me with you!” she nudged him, offended.

Joel laughed lightly and leaned forward, getting into his pocket and pulling out the ring box, handing it to Sarah, “It’s an heirloom baby girl, I got it from Abuelita today.” he blushed a little, everything was coming together.

Sarah opened the box and gasped, “Holy shit.”

Joel chuckled, “Language.”

Sarah giggled, “Sorry but that’s my thought! This is… dad it’s beautiful. She’s going to love it.” she looked up at her dad and had tears in her eyes, “You’re getting married…”

Joel smiled and then pulled her in for a hug, “Oh don’t cry, sweet pea.” he chuckled as he rubbed her back.

Sarah pulled away and wiped her tears, taking a deep breath, “I’m a horrible secret keeper, I don’t know how I’m not going to say anything…” She chuckled and looked back down at the ring, “Do Tommy and Maria know?” she looked up, hopeful.

He shook his head, “Abuelita was only the first because she had the ring, you know before Tommy if that’s what you’re worried about.” he laughed softly knowing Sarah and Tommy were always competitive in knowing things first as they were both equally close to Joel.

Sarah chuckled, “Suck on that Reginald.” she muttered to herself.

“Let’s get you home so she doesn’t suspect anything and then I’ll go to Tommy’s and tell them and be ‘home’ around my normal time…” he winked.

Sarah nodded and buckled up, giving him back the ring box, “Sounds good. I’ll lock myself in my room with a ‘project’ until you get home…” she giggled, excitedly.

Joel took Sarah home and dropped her off down the street so you wouldn’t hear his truck then went to Tommy’s.

Joel pulled into Tommy’s and before he could even get out of the truck Tommy was out on the porch, “What’s wrong? You weren’t at work today…”

Joel just chuckled and smiled, “Is Maria home?” he hiked up the steps and gently grabbed his brother by the shoulder to pull him inside with him.

“Yeah, she’s just makin’ somethin’ to eat, why? Where’s Y?N?” Tommy pressed.

It was rare for Joel to take a full day off work. But for him to take a full day off and then show up at Tommy’s with a smile and pep to his step, Tommy didn’t know what the hell to think.

Maria had some light country music playing in the kitchen as she cooked something on the stove, “Hey Joel…” she then snapped her head towards him, “What’s wrong?” instant concern flooding her face.

Joel chuckled, “Will you two just calm down? Nothing is wrong.”

Maria set the spatula down that she was using to break up some hamburger meat in a skillet, “If nothing is wrong, then why are you here, and why did Tommy say that you weren’t at work today?”

Joel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “Ay dios mío…” he reached into his pocket, pulled out the ring box, and set it on the counter for Maria and Tommy to both see, “This is why…”

Both of them froze and then looked at each other, before looking at Joel and then looking back at the ring box.

“Is that what I think it is?” Maria grinned, tearing up a little.

“You bastard…” Tommy chuckled and grabbed the box, opening it.

“Sorry, I beat you to it, but yes. It’s what you think.” Joel shyly sat down at the table.

Maria squealed and jumped, running over and hugging Joel, almost knocking him off the damn chair.

He laughed and held her, hugging her tightly back.

“When? Where? I need to know everything!” Maria sat down in front of him, a greasy spatula in her hand.

Joel chuckled looking at her, “Soon. I need to resize the ring first, but it’ll be within the month. I have a few ideas that I’m tossing in my head, I just… I want everything to be perfect.” He smiled softly.

Tommy smiled and looked at the ring closer, “How did Mama take the news?” he looked at Joel.

Joel softly chuckled, “She put the ring in front of me before I could even ask for it…” he blushed, “She told me as long as I was happy, that’s all she wanted.”

Tommy brought the ring box over and let Maria see it, “Joel, it’s beautiful… she’s going to go crazy.”

Maria teared up, looking down at it, “Ugh, I’m so happy for you two…” she started crying.

Joel smiled, “I may need your help with some distractions at some point, would that be ok?” he looked at Maria.

“Are you kidding? My lips are sealed! Whatever you need, I’ll do!” she laughed through the tears, frantically wiping them, “My best friend is getting married!”

Joel chuckled and knelt in front of her and pulled her in for a hug, “Thank you for all you’ve done for her, and for making her damn stubborn ass write me those letters, without you, this wouldn’t have been possible. Thank you.” he held onto her tightly.

Tommy gently took the spatula from her grasp and took care of what she left at the stove as she hugged Joel.

She nodded, “Does this mean you're going to name your kids after me?” she teased and pulled away.

Joel chuckled, “I’m sure you’ll be in the running.”

Maria chuckled and then held his face in her hands and smiled, “Oh, Joel, I’m so happy for you. You deserve this.” she pulled him in for another hug.

Joel held onto her a little longer that time, feeling for the first time in a very long time that he truly had everything he needed. He was a blessed man.

Maria slowly pulled away, “You want to stay for dinner?” she smiled, “It’s nothin’ fancy, just taco salad…”

Joel stood and gently took the ring box from the table, closing it up, and smiling, “I actually need to make it home. If I’m not home soon she’ll suspect something might be up.” he looked up and sniffed softly, wiping his eyes.

Tommy smiled and put the spatula down then came over and hugged his brother tightly, “Congrats, I’m so happy for you both.” he patted Joel’s back and smiled as he pulled away.

Joel smiled and told them he would keep them posted then left theirs.

He ran by the store and grabbed some flowers for you before heading home trying to ask like the best thing just happened today, he got the ring to propose to you.

He opened the front door to the sweet smell of what he could deduce was something that had been cooking all day, “Hey baby, I’m home.” he said loud enough to be heard through the house.

You peeked your head from the kitchen, “In here!” and then disappeared to do what you were doing.

He smiled and put the ring box in his work bag before taking off his boots and coming up from behind you, “Mi vida…” he wrapped his arm around your waist from behind and kissed your cheek, making you smile and giggle.

“Hello, my love…” you touched his hand around your waist and kept working at stirring some gravy on the stove, “Dinner will be ready in about 5 minutes…”

He smiled and kissed your shoulder softly, humming, “Take your time, we are in no rush.” he rocked you a little from side to side.

You smiled and turned your head and did a dramatic sigh, “My my, are those for me?” you said in a small British accent, clutching your imaginary pearls, looking at the flowers he had in his hand.

He smiled and nodded, chuckling at your humor, “They are, I missed you too much today to come home empty-handed…” he leaned in and gently kissed your cheek.

You blushed and set the whisk down to turn in his grasp to gently pull him close by his button-up and kiss him gently.

He put his hand on your cheek gently and continued to kiss you, softly and slowly.

Sarah came down the stairs and gasped seeing the flowers, thinking it had happened, and covered her mouth excitedly, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.

Joel pulled away from your lips and turned to see her reaction, you chuckled and looked at her, “You good sweets, what’s earned that reaction?”

Joel’s eyes widened and he looked at her telepathically telling her ‘It didn’t happen, it’s just flowers.’, barely shook his head to signal to her.

She looked at you and then smiled, lying through her teeth, “Uhhm oh! My gosh I just saw that you cooked roast! I’m so excited!” she opened the lid that had the roast inside it and took a whiff, “Mmm! Delicious!” she smiled brightly.

You looked at her confused, she never got this excited about the roast and you’ve cooked it before for them, “Ok? Never got that reaction outta you for a roast but I’ll let it slide…” You chuckled then took the gravy off the stove and started walking towards the front door.

Joel swatted at Sarah, whispering, “You almost ruined it!” he smiled, knowing she didn’t mean to, she’s just excited.

Joel put the flowers in the sink and then went to follow you. He turned around the corner when he saw you reached down to grab his work bag and he jumped at you going to open the bag, but you pulled away, smiling, clueless.

“Woah! Whatcha doin’ darlin’?” internally panicking, you could not get into that bag.

You giggled, looking up at him, “I’m just getting your lunch bag out, silly!” You went to open it again.

‘Fuck fuck FUCK!’ was all he could think so he blurted out, “I left it at work.”

Sarah peeked around and knew exactly why her dad was being weird about the bag, she started thinking, ‘Shit she has the bag. She can’t have the bag. Crap!’

You looked up at him and chuckled, then looked between the two of them, both smiling a little too widely, looking guilty, you narrowed your eyes and pursed your lips, “Ya’ll are jumpy and acting weird, what’s going on?”

Joel shook his head and chuckled, “Nothing is going on… we aren’t being weird. Right, Sarah?”

Sarah nodded and came over and chuckled forcefully, “Right, this is our normal not weird at all selves.” he nudged your arm gently with her fist, trying to act casually, but it backfired as you read right through it.

You watched as her fist nudged you and then clocked Joel with your gaze, testing him, “Cool, ok. So then what’s in the bag?” you tilted your head.

He had every damn red alarm and code red going off in his head, heart racing, palms sweaty, he was panicking but on the outside, he kept it together, looked cool as a cucumber, “Nothin’ just contracts and work stuff sweetheart.” he smiled.

You looked at Sarah and she swallowed, she was horrible at lying and even worse at keeping secrets. However, she was easy to crack as well and you knew that, you grinned, “If there’s nothing in the bag, then why are you so nervous sweets?”

“Nervous? I’m not nervous… you’re nervous…” she chuckled, putting her hands up defensively.

“Sarah Elena Miller, what is going on?” you chuckled.

She knew she couldn’t tell you the truth, but she needed to get you off this damn bag so she took one for the team and for the first time lied straight through her teeth. She took a breath and sighed heavily for dramatics, “Fine…” she looked at Joel who looked like he was going to crack for a split second before she rambled, “I kissed a boy… and we got caught behind the bleachers by the stupid assistant principal. Dad picked me up from school early today because I got called into the principal’s office due to breaking ‘school conduct’...” she rolled her eyes and used air quotes, “...and there’s a write-up in dad’s bag…” she looked at the bag and pointed, “One that he promised he wouldn’t show you because I didn’t want you to know… because you’re gonna get all… mom-ish about it…”

You dropped the bag and opened your arms, smiling, “You kissed a boy!?” you giggled, “Come here!” you hugged her tightly. Joel quickly swept in and grabbed the bag, getting the ring out and putting it in his back pocket quickly.

Sarah looked at Joel while hugging you and glared, mouthing ‘You owe me’.

Joel nodded and mouthed back, ‘Thank you’.

You pulled back, “Tell me everything!” you dragged her to the kitchen, now wrapped up in this lie.

Joel took this opportunity to run upstairs and put the ring in his lock box under the bed which had his gun and some spare cash before quickly making it back down in hopes you didn’t see him disappear upstairs.

Sarah made up some scenario about her and some boy in chemistry, kept it brief but indulged you with small details.

It was a small price for Sarah to pay to keep the big picture alive for her Dad which is all she wanted.

2 weeks later

You had been going to therapy once a week and meeting with Diane at her office downtown ever since that dinner with Joel and his coworkers. For the most part, it had been helping with the nightmares and coping with moments of anxiety.

However, since your last session a couple of days ago, you guys touched on Z’s death and went over the events that led up to it. She had you recount certain key details that she attempted to guide you in knowing and understanding there was nothing you could have done to avoid what happened. It helped you understand that you weren’t responsible for his death but the flashbacks and recounts of what happened made it hard to sleep or relax the last few days.

You shot up out of a dead sleep and gasped, panting hard as you had been taken back to being in that chokehold that you swear is the reason Z is dead. You were shaking, unable to associate where you were in some way, staring into the distance as past trauma flooded your mind. It was like you were right back there. You weren’t in bed, you were back in the middle of that street.

Joel turned in his sleep and went to reach for you, and felt you weren’t there. He opened his eyes and saw you sitting up, your chest heaving and eyes wide open, “Baby?” he gently went to touch you, but the second his hand touched your back, you jolted out of fear and moved away from him, off the bed, “No! no…” you said loudly, you grabbed a pillow from the floor to put distance between you two, your hands shaking, eyes filled with fear, you weren’t there, you were reliving something.

He sat up, instantly realizing what you were experiencing, Diane warned him this might happen, and held his hands out defensively, “Hey, it’s me…” he spoke softly and calmly. He got up off the bed and held his hands up for you to see, “Baby, it’s me...” he cooed, “You’re safe. You are with me at our home.” he started to walk towards you.

You backed up into a corner and held the pillow out, “D-don’t… don’t move…”

He nodded, “Ok… I’m going to stay right here…” he continued to speak softly. “Can you take a deep breath with me?” he took a deep breath through his nose, watching for you to do it with him, you weren’t there, your eyes were somewhere else.

You shook your head, “Stop.. stop!” and began panting quickly through your nose, you put your hand on your chest instinctually.

“Where… where is it…” Your eyes moved around the room, analyzing the surroundings, mentally calculating every component, “Where is it…” you questioned, jaw clenched, looking for something specific.

“Where’s what sweetheart?” Joel asked, softly, trying to follow your eyes.

“Where is it?” you fell to the floor and started frantically looking for something on the floor. “Where is it…” you repeated, patting the floor to find something.

Joel went to move from that spot he was at to come by you and help, but you immediately shot up and stood, “Ja nakon!” (Don’t move in Dari), you shouted twice, pointing at him to get back to where he was.

He nodded, he rarely heard you speak Dari, this was bad, so he went back, “Ok. I won’t… I won’t move.” he watched as you dragged your bag out from under the bed, tearing through it, not finding what you needed.

“I can help… what are you looking for, I can help you…” he pleaded, looking at you panicking at what you couldn’t find, wanting nothing more than to help you through this.

You stood and started digging through the dresser, frantically looking through clothes, tears now streaming down your cheeks, “M-my necklace…” you began to sob, and began hyperventilating, knees giving out on you, sliding down the dresser, “Fuck… fuck…” you grabbed your shirt over your chest and closed your eyes, trying to breathe.

“Necklace?” he perked up, “Baby, it’s in the bathroom… you take it off at night.” he watched you fall to your knees and went to move but then remembered what Diane had told him. She said to do exactly as you said when you had these episodes as you could turn violent, unable to know the difference between memories and reality, but this, this was you being weighed down by what you had no control over, you couldn’t move, you didn’t know where you were and he could help.

“Fuck it.” he rolled over the bed and went into the bathroom, grabbing the necklace he gave you, which was in a jewelry dish you found thrifting with all your earrings and rings you would wear, he came out then slowly walked over to you, “Here… look… I found it…” he was careful not to touch you but came to your side and opened his hand, showing you the necklace in his palm.

You opened your eyes, and your breathing started to slow down, you instantly were surrounded by his scent from his cologne, “Joel…” you breathed out quietly, then immediately leaned your head onto his chest, “My Joel…” your breathing started to calm down and you started to cry softly, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” you curled into him.

He immediately wrapped you in his arms, “Shhh… you’re safe.” he kissed your head, “I got you.”

You gripped onto his arm, repeating how sorry you were.

He just kept kissing your head and holding you, no need to acknowledge the apologies, as you had nothing to be sorry for in his eyes.

He hummed softly the song you and he danced to in the bathroom your first night here which you had deemed your’s and his song. It instantly put you to sleep in his arms, against his chest.

He slowly picked you up and put the both of you into bed, holding you close against his chest so you could hear his heartbeat, he kept you that way all through the night.

—

At 4:45 am your alarm went off to go on your run. You leaned over and turned it off and sighed, blinking your eyes open as you lay on your back, exhausted from last night's events.

“You can always skip it…” Joel turned on his side and kissed your shoulder, then took your hand in his and kissed it as well.

You smiled softly, “Routine is important to maintain…” you looked over at him, “That’s important now after what happened last night…” you sadly said, taking your other hand and combing your fingers through his hair softly, looking at his features.

He smirked, looking at your lips, “Can we add something else to your routine then?” he kissed your shoulder again, then moved to settle himself in between your legs, moving his lips to kiss up to your neck.

You chuckled, biting your lip, “Baby… you try this every time I go on a run, and what happens?”

He grinned and slowly ran his hand up your thigh to take your hand in his then took your other hand with his other hand, putting them above your head, holding your wrists, effectively trapping you under him. He leans down and whispers in your ear as he starts to grind his hardened cock against your core, “I observe and I adapt.” he nibbles on your earlobe earning a soft moan from you.

“You need your hands when it comes to getting out from under me, I took care of that.” he growled into your neck as he started kissing your pulse point and jawline.

Your hips involuntarily bucked against his and you moaned softly as he began sucking on that soft spot under your ear, teasing it with the tip of his tongue.

He hummed and held your hands in one of his, slowly moving the other between your bodies as he heard you heavily pant, cursing under your breath, “Fuck Joel…”

“I know baby…” he kissed down your neck to your chest and collarbones before moving his hips back to take himself out of his boxers and line up with your entrance that was already weeping for him. “Do me a favor and open your legs a little wider for me, mi vida…”

You opened your legs, letting your knees almost touch the mattress, fully open for him, he groaned, “God you look so good like this…” he notched himself at your entrance “But you feel even better…” he then looked up at you before slowly sinking himself into you, causing your breath to hitch and his to quicken as the sudden warmth pulled him in, earning a deep groan from him.

Your head went up and back against your pillow, pussy fluttering as he continued to bury himself inside you, whispering as you weren’t sure if Sarah had gotten up for soccer practice yet, “Fuck, keep going…” you begged.

Joel moved his hand to bring your left thigh up to open you up further for him, earning a small whimper from you, eyebrows pinched, chest heaving, taking a deep breath, “God I…” you let out a breath to avoid moaning.

Joel knew what you were doing and took that as a challenge, “Not moaning for me baby?” he lightly panted as he moved to your leg was now against his chest, and your calf and foot were now over his shoulder as he used himself to push against you; opening you wide as you could.

He kissed your inner thigh and knee, “We’ll see about that…” and then began thrusting deeply and slowly in and out of you, from base to tip, over and over, slowly building in speed with each repetition.

He kept your hands above your head, feeling you slowly crumble beneath him from how your hands started to fight against him, and your head slowly began rolling to moan into your arm near your head.

He groaned softly, “Eyes on me, mi amor, I can feel your close…” he felt you grip his cock, and begin to roll your hips with him, eager for release.

Your breath quickened and became heavy, “I want to touch you…” your eyes traveled up to your hands and then back to his eyes, “Please…” you pleaded.

He nodded, bringing his hand down to cup your cheek and leaned in, capturing your lips in his and slowly kissing you, your hands grabbing onto his bicep and shoulder, moaning against his lips as you came shortly after, your legs shaking against him.

He pulled away from your lips and put his forehead against yours, stroking your cheek softly as he whispered, “Eres el amor de mi vida” (You are the love of my life)

You moved your hand from his shoulder to his cheek then into his hair, pulling him close to you, looking into his eyes lovingly, whispering, “Eres mi todo…” (You are my everything)

You leaned your head up to capture his lips in yours and kiss him deeply, both of you panting as he sped up his thrusts, rocking the bed as he rocked into your hips, you moaned against his lips, close again to release, this time feeling like a wave was about to crash, pulling his hair to keep him close, addicted to his lips on yours, probing your tongue into his mouth, deepening the kiss.

Joel’s hand flew to hold onto the headboard above you as he continued to grind into you, feeling that familiar pull in his naval, warmth starting to spread down his spine, he mumbled against your lips, “Fuck…” before his hips snapped into you, grunting and spilling himself inside of you, earning a tight flutter around him as you came as well, gripping onto his shoulder, moaning his name against his lips as his hips slowed down, his breath shaky against your lips.

You hummed and combed through his hair, slowing your kisses down, lips leaving him to kiss down his jaw and neck, gently kissing those places, “That’s one way to get my pre-workout…”

Joel slowly pulled out, hissing as he fell onto his back, chest heaving, a light layer of sweat coating his skin, eyes dizzy and drunk from the high he just had.

You looked over at him and kissed his shoulder as you leaned over, “Get some more sleep before work, my love…” you chuckled softly before getting up to clean up and get dressed.

By the time you came back into the bedroom dressed in a hoodie and leggings, he was passed out, asleep. You chuckled quietly and combed his hair back gently, kissing his forehead before leaving to go on your run.

You came home an hour later, sore and muscles feeling exhausted, it was exactly what you needed.

You saw no one had been up yet so you decided to start making breakfast.

After last night you wanted to do something for Joel so you wrote him a letter, something you two hadn’t done for each other in a while since you’d been home, and put some lipstick on to put kiss marks all over it after you had finished writing it.

You saw Maria had done it once with a letter of Tommy’s and never got the chance to do it yourself.

You also found a keychain that said ‘Drive safe cowboy’ and your initial and a cowboy hat charm on it the other day at a gas station, you couldn’t help but get it for him.

You put it in the envelope along with the letter, then went over to Joel’s bag by the front door and, put it in the main pocket so he could see it when he got to work.

You had pancakes, eggs, and toast ready when you saw the clock and no one was up, you jogged upstairs and knocked on Sarah’s door before opening it, “Sweets time to get up, it’s 6:30…” she groaned and smiled, nodding before she sat up and stretched.

You went down the hall and knocked on the bedroom door, peeking in, “Hey sleepy head, it’s time to get up, breakfast is going to get cold.”

Joel shot up and looked back at you, “Come ‘ere…” he sleepily said.

You chuckled, “Nope, not fallin’ for that cowboy. You want me, I’ll be in the kitchen.” you closed the door lightly and went back downstairs.

Both were downstairs fully dressed within the next 20 minutes. You had your laptop out on the table and were messaging Reggie back and forth lately in the mornings, checking in on him.

You made Sarah a plate and gave it to her when she came down, “Mornin’ sweets… your soccer gear is folded and in your duffle bag, I washed last night for you. Also, you left your chemistry book out, I put it in your book bag.” you smiled at her.

She took the plate and smiled, “Thank you…”

You nodded and handed Joel his plate, “Mornin’ sweetheart… your lunch is in your bag, and the calendar says you have a meeting with Ross and Associates at 7:30… do you want a to-go coffee as well since you won’t be able to stop for one?”

He put his plate down and shook his head, cupping your cheek with his hand, “Kiss me first then I’ll give you my answer mi cielo…” (my heaven/sky)

Sarah rolled her eyes and groaned, turning around with her plate, and eating some eggs, “First let me avert my innocent eyes…”

You chuckled and then leaned up and kissed him gently once then slowly and deeply another before pulling away, keeping your eyes closed, leaning into his hand.

He smiled and gently rubbed your cheek with his thumb, “To go coffee would be nice, thank you…” he leaned back in and kissed you again, this time deeply and sliding his tongue against your lips, you blushed and kissed him back a few times before Sarah cleared her throat.

“Ya’ll done sucking face?” she said with her back still to you.

You giggled and pulled away, gently touching his cheek, “Eh, for now…” you winked up at him then handed him his plate again.

He smiled and bit his lip, pecking your lips once more before going to sit at the table.

There was an alert from your computer, it was from Reggie, “Baby can you tell me what Reggie said?”

You went to the cupboard and grabbed a travel thermos, filling it with coffee for Joel.

Joel pulled your laptop over and clicked on the message, reading it, “He said he’s going on assignment for a few days, something super easy, he said he’s going to Delta 22?” he looked up at you.

You nodded, “Oh they must just need extra hands, but they have horrible service there.” you shrugged, nothing to worry about. “Will you tell him ‘thank you for letting me know’ and to call me when he gets back?” you smiled over at Joel, making yourself a plate of breakfast.

Joel smiled at you and nodded, typing out a message and then sending it to him.

You came over and sat by him, closing your laptop seeing Reggie had gone offline, “Here’s your coffee…” You put the thermos by his plate.

He leaned over and kissed your cheek, “Thank you for all you do, cada diํa te quiero mas” (Each day I love you more)

You blushed and began eating your breakfast.

Before you knew it they were both out of the door, leaving you to your own devices which consisted of applying for jobs and cleaning small things around the house.

Joel got to work and knew he was going to propose next weekend. He had a few more things to line up, but for the most part, everyone knew and was all super excited now, knowing an exact date and how he was going to do it. The meeting he had with ‘Ross and Associates’ was actually an engagement photographer he hired to capture the moment as Maria emphasized how much you would love having it captured. He was meeting with them to outline the timeline of events and then what he wanted out of the session.

He met with them, and everything went well, they would be at the place where he was doing everything, acting like someone randomly taking photos, but the moment he got on one knee, they’d be there to capture it all.

He opened his bag to get into his lunch and came across the envelope with your handwriting on it.

It was addressed to “Mi vaquero”. He smiled and eagerly opened it, seeing the keychain and letter, he immediately put the keychain on his key ring and then opened the letter, leaning back into his chair as he read:

Joel, I wanted to get back into the habit of how we started, writing you letters. I miss it. I sometimes crave opening the mailbox and seeing a letter from you, it brought me so much joy and happiness seeing you wrote me. I can’t believe sometimes that’s how we started, by a simple letter. Crazy right? I wanted to thank you for how patient and kind you’ve been with me since coming home. I know it’s not easy with my nightmares and trauma, I can see the fear and anxiety in your eyes - and I just wanted to thank you for how you take care of me and love me. I also wanted to tell you that since being home I’ve had an amazing time with you. I wake up every day and eres la razón por la que sonrío todos los días. (You are the reason I smile every day) I see my whole life with you and Sarah, I love you both so much and enjoy our life together. Sarah called me mom at her tryouts, and I don’t know if it was on accident or purpose but I can’t begin to tell you how happy that made me feel. You two are my family, my everything. Let’s get back into the letter writing, please? With all my love, Y/N’

Joel smiled at the part you said about Sarah calling you mom. He knew she wanted you to be a mom figure to her, but it warmed his heart to know she may already be calling you ‘mom’.

He loved the kiss marks around the letter, a nice little new touch to the letters. He would definitely be leaving your letters more often around the house and now had an idea to add to the proposal.

2 days later

Sarah got home from school around 4 pm and found the house completely dark, with windows closed, and lights off, it was weird, something was off.

She called out for you, no answer.

She walked upstairs and saw the bedroom door was closed, she knocked on it softly, “Y/N… you in there?” she opened the door, and you were curled up in bed, tissue box by the bed, it was completely dark.

You didn’t answer.

Sarah stepped in, “Hey… you ok?”

She came around and gently touched your shoulder, you sniffed, your eyes were red and bloodshot, from crying, “Y/N… what’s wrong?” she asked concerned.

“Reggie…” you swallowed, looking at the wall across from you, “He’s dead.” you put the covers over your head and softly started to cry again.

Sarah sadly sighed, “I'm so sorry..." she rubbed your back softly with her thumb, "Do you want me to come lay with you or do you need to be alone?”

“You can stay, but if you need to go, I understand.” you said softly.

Sarah nodded, “I just need to go put my book bag away, I’ll be back ok?”

You nodded, staying under the covers as tears poured from your eyes.

Sarah left the room and went downstairs, immediately calling Joel.

He picked up, smiling, “Hey sweet pea.”

“Dad, can you come home?” Sarah asked biting her nail.

Joel’s tone immediately changed, “Sarah, what’s wrong?”

“Reggie… she said he’s dead. Dad, it’s bad. She’s in bed, I came home to the whole house dark, she’s… please, I don’t know what to do... I...” Sarah tearing up.

“Does Maria know?” he grabbed his keys and started jogging to his truck.

“I don’t know, I doubt it. Can you call Tommy? I’m going to go lay with her til you get home.” she started walking up the stairs.

“Ok yeah, I'll call him. I’ll be home soon. I love you. Thank you for calling me.”

“I love you too, see you soon.” she hung up and ran up the stairs, coming into the room and closing the door behind her, getting into the sheets, and laying on her side to face you, she gently took your hand.

You cried softly and held onto her hand, “They called this morning…” you sniffed, “I was his contact on his papers…” you closed your eyes and swallowed, trying to calm your breathing down.

Sarah moved closer, whispering, “I’m so sorry…” She put her other hand on your arm and gently rubbed it, trying to offer comfort.

You chuckled sadly, “I have a whole fucking funeral to plan, I don’t even know where to start!” you choked up, “He… he has no family he said, but there’s gotta be someone out there, right? He couldn’t have been all alone…”

Sarah nodded, “I’ll help you, we can search for his family on the internet. I’ll help tonight.” she smiled sadly, “Dad can help you plan the funeral… we... we will help.” she squeezed your hand, “We are here for you.”

You nodded, and let out a shaky breath, “You went down and called Dad, didn’t you?” you chuckled.

Sarah looked at your hands shyly, “Is that ok?”

You nodded and smiled, tears continuing to stream down your cheeks, “I didn’t have the energy to, I should have called him earlier but I just…”

Sarah nodded, “You couldn’t… I get it. It’s ok.” she looked at you, “Your friend just died, it’s ok not to be ok, right?”

You nodded and touched her cheek, “Right.”

She leaned in to put her head closer to yours, “Can I ask you something?”

You nodded and took your hand off her cheek, putting your hand on hers that was holding your other, “Of course…”

She shyly looked at your hands, “Was it ok that I called you mom at tryouts?”

You chuckled and smiled through tears, “Oh thank god, I thought you didn’t mean it, like it was by accident.”

She looked at you and giggled, “Of course I meant it!” she nudged you.

You smiled through tears and looked at her, “Are you wondering if you can keep calling me mom?”

Sarah looked at you and shyly looked back at your hands again, “Would that be ok?”

You nodded, “You can call me whatever you’re comfortable with sweets.” you brushed her hair back, “If you want to call me mom all the time or some of the time or here and there, I’m perfectly happy with whatever you’re ok with.” you smiled softly.

Sarah nodded and then moved her head to press against yours, keeping your hand in hers, tearing up, “Ok Mom.”

You chuckled and tears kept falling, “You chose a very convenient time to make me cry as I’m already a blubbering mess!”

She laughed softly and started to have tears fall as well, “I’ll join you!”

You touched her cheek and smiled, “Thanks for being here, I appreciate it.”

She nodded, “Can I ask what happened? To Reggie?” she sadly looked at you.

“They said his plane was hit in transport. He never made it to location.” you sighed, “It happens... I mean anything can happen over there, but I just didn’t expect it to happen, you know?”

Sarah nodded, “Was he the only one killed in action?”

You shook your head, “Pilot and 2 other medics…”

Sarah sighed and nodded, “I’m glad you’re home… I don’t know what we would have done if you had ever gotten hurt or died.” she looked at your hands, “It would have crushed Dad…”

You saw her start to disconnect so you squeezed her hand, “I’m home now, and that isn’t going to happen, yeah?”

She snapped out of it and nodded, “Right.”

You took a breath and closed your eyes, “I don’t know how I’m going to tell Terrence... or Maria… it... it's going to crush them” and you shook your head, pinching the bridge of your nose before sobbing quietly.

You could hear the front door open and close followed by Joel’s heavy steps up the stairs as he jogged up, he knocked on the door softly, “Sweetheart?”

“Come in Dad…” Sarah softly called as she moved to console you by hugging you.

Joel came into the room kneeling by the bed Sarah was on, letting you and Sarah have your space and time together. He reached over and put his hand on yours that was on Sarah’s back, offering what support he could.

You continued to sob into Sarah’s shoulder, giving yourself a headache.

Joel came around the bed and laid behind you, wrapping you in his arms as you hugged Sarah did from the front, kissing the back of your head and temple, whispering how sorry he was.

You eventually fell asleep after crying what felt like hours, curled up against them, exhausted emotionally and mentally from the news.

Joel and Sarah slipped out and headed downstairs together, Sarah looked at him, “What do we do?”

Joel looked up at her, leaning against the counter, “She just needs support.” he looked down, “I’ll call Diane in the morning and see if she can get her in for an emergency session.”

“I mean what are you going to do about… you know?” she wiggled her ring finger.

Joel didn’t even think about that right now. He didn’t even think how this put a wrench in his plans, he was just so focused on you. He sighed and nodded, “I guess it’s just not the right time.” he bit the inside of his cheek, thinking.

Sarah nodded and sighed, “Can the plan be pushed out? Maybe another week, after the funeral?”

Joel nodded, “I’ll talk to everyone tomorrow and explain what’s going on. I’m sure it can.” he smiled softly.

Sarah nodded then went to the fridge, “I’ll start some dinner, you wanna call Tommy? Check on Maria?”

Joel nodded, “Order some take out, sweat pea. Don't worry about cookin'... not on a day like this.” he put his wallet on the counter and walked away to call Tommy.

The next morning you woke up with a massive headache. Your phone alarm went off and you rolled over, snoozing it.

Ugh. 5 am never felt so gross.

Joel turned to face you and wrapped you in his arms, you had been out the rest of the night, this was the first time you’d been awake in almost 15 hours, he kissed your temple gently, “Stay…”

You swallowed, your voice hoarse, “It’s not for a run… it’s for the airport…” you said emotionless, still exhausted.

Joel perked his head up, brushing your hair back, “What do you mean sweetheart?”

You kept your gaze fixed on the ceiling, focusing on one specific bump amongst the popcorn texture above you. One that you stared out for hours yesterday, “He… his body is… I have to be there to transport him.”

“What time do we have to be there?” he kissed your cheek gently.

“We? You don’t have to come… it’ll be a lot of protocols and standing and just… it’ll be a lot.” you sat up and sighed, sitting at the edge of the bed, rolling your shoulders, feeling stiff from how long you had been in bed.

“I don’t care, mi vida, there’s no way you’re doin’ this alone…” he sat up and gently kissed your shoulder from behind you, “When do I need to be ready?”

You took a breath and looked back at him, leaning your head against his, melting against him, grateful for him and his constant support, “We need to leave the house in a half hour.”

He nodded and leaned up, kissing your forehead, “I’ll go brew us some coffee.” then got off the bed and opened the bedroom door, walking to go downstairs.

You stood up and went over to the closet, pulling out your ceremonial uniform and laying it on the bed.

Joel came up and got dressed quickly, putting on some jeans and a nice button-down, putting on some nice boots, trying to look put together and respectful. He headed back downstairs saying he’d get some to-go coffee ready while you finished getting ready.

You brushed your hair out, washed your face, and brushed your teeth then did your hair into the traditional bun before getting into the uniform, taking your time, making sure everything was respected, and done right.

You looked at yourself in the mirror, never wanting to see yourself in this uniform, this was never meant to be worn, no one was supposed to die. This was a heavy uniform to wear, one that felt too tight and too formal, not physically but mentally. You hated everything about it.

You narrowed your eyes and clenched your jaw and then stood up straight, rolling your shoulders back, putting your hands to your side, before grabbing your hat and gloves and walking downstairs.

Joel was sitting at the table when he saw you, never seeing you in the uniform. You thought aside from the circumstances, you looked beautiful.

“Hey… you ready baby?” he stood up.

You nodded and headed towards the front door, feeling numb, wanting to just get this over with.

You put your hand on the doorknob and stopped, feeling that sharp pin of anxiety starting in the back of your skull, you closed your eyes and let out a shaky breath, stretching out your neck and rolling it in a circle to get that gnawing feeling to go away.

Joel came up and set the thermos he had in his hands and gently turned you towards him, to softly pull you to hug him.

You wrapped your arms around him and took in a breath then slowly let it out, “This wasn’t supposed to happen…”

He kissed your head gently and nodded, “I know… I’m so sorry.” he gently rubbed your back, holding onto you as long as you needed.

After a few moments, you pulled back, took his hand, and took one of the thermos, “I’m ready…”

He nodded and walked with you to the truck.

The ride to the airport was about 30 minutes. He held onto your hand the whole drive and would occasionally glance at you and softly smile, telling you how much he loved you and how he’d help you later arrange what needed to be done.

You would nod but barely talk, you felt so disconnected, not truly there, it didn't feel real. This couldn't be happening. You listened to soft hum as he'd hum along to the music or watch out the window as he drove, you and your thoughts trying to escape this shit outcome.

You were told yesterday where to meet the aircraft and told Joel past a certain point he’d have to stay back. He understood and stayed with you until you would get to that point which would be a certain point on the tarmac for family's and loved ones.

Once you hit the tarmac, there was a large military transport craft parked. You walked up to a small crowd of people, loved ones who also were greeting their loved ones, and looked at Joel, “Wait for me here, I’ve got to do a few things after we transport him with some officers.” you looked down to put your gloves on.

Joel nodded and looked at you as you started putting your hat and gloves on, “Can I kiss you, or is that against protocol?” he asked softly, genuinely, wanting to be respectful of any decorum.

You looked up at him, smiling gently, and touched his cheek, “You can kiss me, you need not ever ask.”

He leaned in and kissed you softly a couple of times, pulling back a little, “I’ll be here when you’re done. Tell Reg welcome home for me.” he touched your chin and softly rubbed his thumb across your lip.

You nodded, backed away, and brushed your uniform before walking through the group of family members over to a group of higher-ranking officers in charge of this event.

Joel hung back and an older woman came up to him, “I’m sorry I couldn’t help but overhear… who are you here for if I can ask?”

Joel looked down and nodded, “Oh… my girlfriend is here to transport a friend of hers she served with, Specialist Reginald Mackey.” he sadly smiled.

She gasped softly, “Oh… thank god.” tears streamed down her face.

Joel tilted his head, confused.

“I’m his mother… he… we…” she started to sob, “We didn’t have a good relationship towards the end. They wouldn’t let me over there when I asked. Something about someone else being on the paperwork.”

Joel looked towards you and then her, “Oh… ma’am, I’m so sorry. I… my… mine served with him. They were good friends, she was on the paperwork, I believe.” he touched her hand, “I can see if she can bring you over?”

She shook her head, “No, no need. I just didn’t want him to come home alone, but she’s bringing him home. She's there for him...” she wiped her tears, “May I stand with you?”

Joel nodded and smiled, “Of course.”

She held out her hand, “Mary… Mary Mackey.” she smiled softly.

“Joel... Joel Miller…” he took her hand gently and shook it.

—

You walked up and saluted the commanding officers before they put you at ease.

You were instructed to stand and wait for his casket to come out as there were three others aboard, he was the last one. There were 25 other service men and women lined up with you. You all stood respectfully, saluting as each casket came out and was loaded into a an individual hearse.

After about 20 minutes, Reggie was announced and you and 6 other officers stepped forward, in two lines of 3, and walked into the aircraft to gather him.

You touched the top of the casket gently and whispered, “Welcome home brother…” you clenched your jaw to hold back tears and swallowed before standing straight like the rest of the group and then as one turning to the right before positioning to get ready to lift the casket.

You all as one lifted the casket draped with the flag and walked in a steady march back out of the aircraft, eyes forward, while everyone remained silent, saluting or with a hand over their heart.

Joel put his hand over his heart and let Mrs. Mackey hold onto his arm as she cried softly watching the ceremony, hand clutching her heart as her son came out of the plane.

Once he was loaded into the hearse you all turned your feet inward to face each other and slowly brought your arms up to a salute and stayed that way until another officer closed the hearse door and it drove away.

Once he was outside of your vision, you were all put at ease, everyone walked away but you felt your knees buckle, so you squatted down and touched the ground, trying to ground yourself, give yourself a moment, “He’s home… the hard part is over.” you whispered to yourself.

Joel saw you and for a moment worried you were ok, but then you stood up after a few moments, eyes distant yet focused, and shook out your hands and rolled your shoulders, something you commonly did to shake out any anxiety. He knew you just needed you were dealing with a lot on your right now, he wouldn't be surprised if you were inching towards a panic attack and needed support when leaving. He'd be there though, he was ready.

You walked over and signed some paperwork and then walked over to Reggie's commanding officer and told him that you chose to bury him in the military cemetery which he had offered you yesterday. He nodded and advised he would be transported there in 2 days, that he would call you with details for the funeral or any services you may want to do as there would be a 21-gun salute there.

You nodded and shook his hand then were handed a folded flag, with his dog tags, something the family of the fallen soldier would get when they were greeted by the casket of their loved one, however since you were carrying him, this was given to you now.

You looked down at it and closed your eyes, gripping it in your hands, cursing under your breath as tears threatened to spill.

You saluted the commanding officer with tears in your eyes then he walked away.

You sighed softly, and looked at the tags, running your fingers across them. You then put his dog tags over your head and looked down at them around your neck, you’d give these to Terrence when you saw him, they belonged to him.

You turned around and tucked the flag under your arm and began walking back to the group of people. You met eyes with Joel and he nodded at you, mouthing ‘Reggie’s mom…’ then nodded his head towards her, the closer you got.

Your eyes went wide and you rushed over, “Mrs. Mackey?”

She smiled, “You must be Sargent Y/N…” she had tears streaming down her face, “It’s so good to meet you.” she held out her hand for you to take.

You took her hand, “Ma’am I’m so sorry for your loss… I…” you brought the folded flag out from your arm and held it out, “This belongs to you…” you looked at her.

She nodded and gently took it, “T-thank you for bringing him home…” she said through tears.

You shook your head, “I had no idea you’d be here… you… I’m so sorry.” you looked at Joel, “How did you know he passed? They told me I was the only one on the paperwork.”

“Reggie had someone call me from his camp. Gave them my number and told them if he didn’t make it back to call me, said a mom should know when her kid…” she choked up, “A mom should know when her child dies.”

You teared up and nodded, then pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back.

She held onto you for dear life, sobbing into your chest. You looked up at Joel and sighed softly.

He leaned down and kissed your head.

You pulled back after she let you go, “The commander I spoke with said you were making arrangements, is that true?” she wiped her eyes with a tissue.

You nodded and put your hands in front of you respectfully, “He’s being buried in a military cemetery, they are giving him a proper burial in 2 days. I don’t want to step on your toes, so if you’d like you can plan it or you can help me, I’m fine with whatever you are ma’am.” you touched her arm softly.

She nodded, “If it’s ok with you, I’d like to help…”

You nodded, “I uhm… would you like to come over to our home? I’ve got things I need to do today for it, call some people, you could start on some of the basics, flowers, stuff like that?”

Joel came up, “Do you live here ma’am? If not, you’re welcome to our guest room.” he put his hand on the small of your back.

She nodded, “I came in from out of town. I have a hotel though.”

You shook your head, “No, you’re stayin’ with us, cancel your reservation. Reggie would never forgive me if I let you stay in a hotel alone.” you rubbed her arm.

She chuckled and nodded, “Ok if you insist.”

Joel cleared his throat, “We insist.” he smiled, rubbing your back softly, and you leaned into him.

2 days later

You had called Terrence and his mom called some other friends and family about Reggie’s passing. By the time the funeral came around, about 30 people had shown up to honor and remember him.

That morning of the service, your alarm went off at around 6 am, you rolled over and snoozed it, covering your head with a pillow and sighing.

Joel woke and chuckled at your reaction, “Not feelin’ it today?” he said with a voice low with sleep.

He turned on his side and gently ran his fingers up our bareback when you didn't answer back.

You peeked out from the pillow at him, “This sounds horrible but I can’t wait for this day to be over.”

Joel leaned his head and got under the pillow, kissing your nose, “I get it, death can be exhausting.”

You smiled softly and nodded, “Yeah, it's exhausting, I’m just ready to have things go back to normal.”

Joel kept rubbing your back, “Me too, sweetheart.”

You touched his cheek and leaned in, kissing him softly a few times, “Can we do something this weekend? I don’t know, go see a movie, go out to dinner, or just get out of the house?”

He smiled softly, nodding, “We will, already have some plans.” he winked and kissed your lips gently before sitting up and getting out of bed.

“Wait what do you mean, you already have plans?” you put the pillow off of you and sat up, smiling.

He chuckled, “Exactly what you think it means, I made arrangements and we just have to do them.” he stood up and started walking to the bathroom.

You got out of bed and followed him, “What are the ‘arrangements’..." you mimicked his southern drawl and used air quotes, "...can I know what they are?” you stood in the doorway, watching him wash his face, smiling.

He shook his head and laughed lightly, “Nope, it’s all a surprise.” he looked at you and winked.

You crossed your arms, and pouted, “You’re no fun.”

He chuckled and turned around as he dried his face, smiling at you, “How about a small hint?”

You perked up and nodded eagerly, “Deal, spill it.” you bounced up and down on the balls of your feet.

“It has to do with the messages I sent you when you were in Delta 42… when I answered your letter back.” he came over and took your chin in his grip and pulled your lips to his, making you dizzy with a slowly deep kiss.

You blushed and kissed him back, wrapping your arms loosely around his neck until he pulled back, “Good hint, I’m still clueless because that was a lot you sent me…” you pecked his lips.

He chuckled and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, mesmerized by your beauty, “Quiero ser la razón de tu felicidad.” (I want to be the reason for your happiness.)

You looked up at him confused, touching his hand on your cheek, “You already are…” you smiled, trying to find his eyes.

He smiled and found your eyes, “I know…” he gently pulled you close to his lips, saying just above a whisper, “I just… Eres mi todo…” (You are my everything)

You melted in his gaze and smiled against his lips before threading your fingers through his hair and pulling his lips to kiss yours.

He kissed you deeply, slowly, like he was taking his time.

You pushed yourself against him, pressing your chest against his, kissing him more heavily, panting, pulling him by his shirt closer to you.

He moved his hand down to your waist to pull you closer, pressing you up against the bathroom wall, then moved his hands so he was picking you up by pulling your legs up around his waist, pressing you against the wall.

You let out a moan and moved your lips down to kiss his neck, fingers combing through his hair and down his bicep.

He grinned and swallowed, “Fuck…” he groaned feeling you kiss his pulse point.

You smirked against his skin then you both jumped hearing a knock on the bedroom door.

“Terrence is here!”

You groaned and sighed, “T you’re a fucking cockblock…”

Joel chuckled and put his head against you for a moment, catching his breath, “I’m gonna have to have a word with him…” he set you down slowly and smiled down at you, eyes full of lust and love.

You smiled shyly, “Finish this later?”

He nodded and kissed you gently, “Always, mi vida…”

You kissed him back and then shouted back at Sarah, “Tell him I’ll be done in 10 minutes, please!”

“Copy that.” she said through the door and you could hear her run down the stairs.

You got ready in your uniform once again and Joel got ready in a black button-down and dress coat with some dark wash jeans.

You all got to the cemetery about an hour later. You, Terrence, and Maria all in uniform performed in ceremonies such as the 21-gun salute, and Terrence passed the flag to his mom that was taken from his casket and folded in a triangle during a special flag presentation ceremony before they lowered him down to put him to rest.

Mary asked for you all to speak, and share stories of Reggie. Maria went first, shared memories of Reggie and her playing stupid pranks on you and Terrence, how at first we swore he hated us because when we met him we laughed at his name, for which Maria had to explain the joke between her and you, earning some laughs and smiles from friends and family.

Terrence chose to go next, he shared stories of Reggie’s bravery, how he always had his head on straight while Terrance would always be the anxious one between the two of them. He shared how guilty he felt when he got to go home and felt wrong to leave him there. He cried as the last time they spoke Reggie mentioned coming to meet Terrence, come crash on his couch… plans that would never come to fruition. He called Reggie his brother from another mother, and that he’d never get over how little time they had together.

He stepped down and it felt like everyone turned to look at you.

You swallowed and took a deep breath. Joel was holding your hand and kissed it softly, which gave you what you needed to stand and walk to the podium putting your hat under your arm while you walked up to stand by the microphone.

You had written some notes and had them on a crumpled paper inside your hand. You uncrumpled it and read through it, remembering what you wanted to say.

You cleared your throat and exhaled, “Sorry, I’m not a good public speaker, so you’ll have to forgive me if I drop backward up here from pure anxiety.” you chuckled nervously and joked.

The crowd chuckled and then you looked down at the casket, now lowered into the ground, you teared up and then looked at Mrs. Mackey, “Reggie to me was the kind of person that was willing to jump through hoops of fire for you. He was kind, brave, strong, and like a little brother to me.”

She smiled and wiped away tears.

“I uh… I got into some trouble when we were deployed, got into a fight.” you looked down shyly then back up into the crowd, shrugging, “The other guy deserved it, but still... A fight is a fight. You still get a lecture in the army.”

Maria nodded, remembering, chuckling to herself. The rest of the crowd chuckled and waited for the rest of the story.

“Reggie wasn’t even there when it happened. But he vouched for me. Told our commanding officer I wouldn’t just fight someone for the hell of it.” you looked at Joel, he smirked, and you smiled, “You had to really piss me off to get what I gave that day.” you chuckled and looked at the crowd, “And that guy…” you shook your head and let out a small laugh, “He tap danced on the wrong nerve that day.” they laughed softly.

You looked down at his casket after calming your laugh down, “I still got yelled at, but I could’ve gotten a lot worse if it wasn’t for him and his loyalty.” you sighed and tsked your tongue.

“He was always there for us.” you chuckled and looked at Mrs. Mackey, Maria, and Terrence, “He was for sure the annoying little brother most of the time, pulling pranks on us, hiding our shit, pinning us against each other half the time…” you chuckled and so did everyone else.

“But he was our little brother…” you said softly, choking up, tearing up, “...and I wish with every fiber in me that I could have changed this outcome for him.” you clenched your jaw and balled up your fists, looking down at the casket, breathing becoming heavy, tears falling.

You cleared your throat and rolled your shoulders, straightening up, moving around the pulpit, and standing over his casket, “I’ll see you again little brother, but not yet.” you smiled and let a few tears fall. “Keep Z company… and raise a little hell up in heaven for me.” you knelt and took something out of your pocket, a picture of the four of you and Z that you had taken on your disposable camera, setting it on the casket and gently patting it before standing and saluting him for a few seconds then putting your hand down and taking a breath in, closing your eyes for a moment to let it out, “Roohash shaad…” (Rest in peace in Dari)

You nodded and smiled down at the casket and then returned to your seat, taking Joel’s hand and nodding, letting him know you were ok.

A few other people shared their thoughts and stories then the pastor said a prayer before they dismissed everyone to leave.

Mary came over and hugged you, “Thank you for all you did, for making this happen for my sweet boy.”

You nodded and hugged her, “Please keep in touch. I think Reggie would have wanted that, you know?”

She nodded, “I will. I will visit often too.” she looked at Joel and winked, “You take care of her, yeah?”

Joel chuckled and kissed your temple, putting his hand on your back, “I will ma’am…”

She smiled and then left to say goodbye to Maria and Terrence.

Joel kissed your temple again and pulled you in for a hug, “What do you say we order some takeout and have a movie night, hmm?”

You nodded against his chest, “You had me at ordering take out…” you chuckled pulling away as he took your hand.

He kissed it and then started to walk with you to the truck, smiling to himself, humming softly a song that played on the radio on the way there.

You looked at him and chuckled, you had no idea why he was in a good mood, but assumed it was just because this was all over and you both could get back to your routines.

You had no idea it was due to the ring he took out from under the bed every night when he got home from work to ‘change’, telling himself he couldn’t just go down to the kitchen and propose, he had a plan, and this weekend, it would happen.

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a/n: ya'll the next couple chapters ... ahhhh! what are your ideas for how he's going to propose!?

taglist: @sarahhxx03, @blahkateisdone, @sunnytuliptime, @pedroscurls, @docharleythegeekqueen @pedritosgirl2000