#I am very tired and I don't remember a thing
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steelthroat · 6 months ago
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*looking at my history notes*
"Okay so this is 4.7k words long, I usually can read at least 40/50k words of fanfiction a day so I should be able to..."
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lunarharp · 8 months ago
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What led to this (orufrey comic, cw an uncomfortable/creepy scene)
#witch hat tag#orufrey#er.... i'm too tired to have anything to say..i worked several days on this.#wait.. didn't i say just recently here that i probably wouldn't ever depict 'what if alaira is qifrey's sort-of ex'. What's going on#i don't even remember deciding to draw this..it's all a blur..i'm not sure why i WOULD decide to draw delicate scenes in my head#that i wouldn't really want to share with anyone/discuss so why did i draw it...#some part of me really really wants to draw things that are more and more true to myself...#maybe because of my alienation with most romance/shipping/dynamics the rest of the world depicts.#orufrey really is perfectly suited to me - what i read in the text and what is in my head. well anyway#i am TIRED of drawing poses and angles and..maybe now i will actually take a break from drawing bc of the tediousness of Angles#btw it really is a 'stretch of time' . . . assuming witches graduate age 18-20#well orufrey are canonically 30-ish. they've only had agott around for presumably about TWO years (?) bc she took the test age 10#and it feels like oru moving in/unknown atelier acquisition/building (?) .. i guess that could be a year or so before agott at most#(she was the first disciple) so... ????????? What about the other 7 or so years ?!?!?!!?!?! Unemployed Brimhat Hatred era#that time is very nebulous. after qifrey went to the tower i feel like it's been implied he and oru drifted apart a little.#certainly they didn't live together at first... no way. that doesn't feel like how it is based on things oru has said about becoming Eye#idk. I'm tired now. i don't usually think of alaira as necessarily qifrey's ex and this being how things went in that 'sliver of time'.#i usually prefer the idea that they have their first kiss with each other in their 30s cause That's Just The Orufrey Lifestyle#just felt like making a more relatable alternative view of my own Cai Orufrey Canon one time. btw im a big monoshipper and it hurt a bit#let's leave it there. this is surely the most i've worked on a 'single' art - though now i realise just how much longer the fic took :')
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suddencolds · 2 months ago
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. not snz
on healing and on fear (tags)
#(typed this up at 3am and scheduling for later) no one needs to read this 🙏#today i went back to the site where i got injured back in may to partake in a sport which i haven't touched at all since the injury#and i think what struck me was the realization that#i don't know if i'll ever be able to stop being scared again :')#for a time climbing was very special to me...#it was one of the only ways i could feel myself improving so tangibly when improvement is usually so difficult to track#i liked seeing myself get better at something 😭 i liked going with friends and puzzling over the same problems... i liked having something#to look forward to after work. and perhaps having something to look forward to sounds simple... but for me it meant so much :')#for the first couple months after the injury i couldn't wait to get back into it#and then one day i woke up and i was just afraid#the fear feels so much more tangible now that i know i am not overreacting... it's awful knowing that in a way i was right to be afraid#i always knew there were risks associated; i have always been cautious#but i had just been starting to learn to be braver 😭#and fuck... today i stood there and looked at the wall and thought. how can i ever not be afraid again?#how can i go back to how things were before? when i loved this? when i could tell myself that - despite the fear - it was meaningful to try#i wanted to come away with the takeaway that i could take things slowly and get back into climbing - maybe precisely because#i remember so keenly how i loved it - but how could it ever be the same?#😭 i know this is just part of growing up but#in some ways i am tired of growing up... :') in some ways i just want that joy as it was then#delete later probably#i suppose i haven't lost anything but typing this made me sob for something i couldn't quite name
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thenwethrowitonthefire · 7 months ago
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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kennys-parka-jacket · 10 hours ago
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Bbhbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbhhhhhbbbhhb
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lost-victorian-sailor · 3 months ago
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im looking at all the amount of stuff i need to learn in a year in order to score high on the exams and go to the university and i already hate it. i hate the process of learning because it is incredibly hard for me. i hate that my memory just doesn't work at most times and like i read things for the 10th time and the second after i remember like. nothing at all. honestly i do not know how i will survive this year. it only gets harder and harder.
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topaztimes · 7 months ago
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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moonchild-in-blue · 25 days ago
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maybe i'm gonna paint my nails real cute
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anti-transphobia · 1 year ago
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I really REALLY wish people would start saying "have some sympathy/compassion" instead of "have some empathy". Feelings do often impact actions but....they don't have to. And a lot of problems arise when actions are taken solely based on emotions. The type of empathy I'm best at is cognitive empathy - recognizing and understanding how someone might be feeling - and that's a skill that's shaky at best. Emotional empathy I nearly completely lack. I can count the amount of times someone had made me feel their emotions on one hand (I think about three times in my entire life).
But then there's compassion. Compassion you can do regardless of empathy level. Compassion you can do regardless of how something makes you feel. People can have extreme levels of empathy and choose not to try to help someone that they could. Likewise, people can have zero empathy and choose to help someone. Emotions can influence actions but it's not the only thing that matters
I am technically not no empathy, but I'm so low and so bad at empathy and trying to apply it that I'm virtually no empathy. Moments of true empathy are mostly flukes for me. But I'm a very compassionate person! An example is when someone vents or is sad in a discord server that's really not about that/doesn't have a vent channel for a reason. Do you know how that makes me FEEL? Irritated. Irked. If it's a small line or two, fine, it slips out, especially when your reality sucks. Entire unprompted rants? Trauma dumping in the middle of other people's normal conversations? That pisses me off. But you know what I'll often do? I'll say a few words. Generally my policy is that I'm not going to devote a ton of my own energy at my own detriment for a stranger (had an issue with that online as a teen), but if it doesn't hurt me physically or emotionally to give a few kind words to someone hurting, then I see no reason not to do it. It doesn't take much time from me and it makes someone clearly struggling feel a little bit better. There's zero empathy or any kind of "I feel so bad for you" emotions there, and yet, because I generally believe in trying to make things better if you can, I comfort them. I acknowledge that someone is hurting and play my part to remedy the situation
This is why people need to decouple actions from emotions. You don't have to feel ANYTHING to do the right thing. Something isn't "less good" because their heart wasn't in it. If someone drops their wallet and you return it to them solely out of social obligation, guess what? A wallet has still been returned. Someone's money, debit/credit cards, and entire identity, was not lost. Someone was just saved a ton of grief by a simple act carried out by a person who doesn't give a fuck. The results of your actions is, for most every day circumstances, more important than how you actually feel doing them
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pickyperkypenguin · 1 year ago
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And I should be on the lookout. It is not working out.
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Hello!
I feel like this may come off as a dumb question but what is Aplationic along side all the loveless/heartless identity in the Arospec
I feel like when I try to understand I am conflating Care with Love
Like I guess what is Love?
Like when I hear Romantic and Platonic from others it very much comes off as basically
You don't want to date
And then everything else falling under platonic
I don't want to date. People are exhausting
Like I just want to know more.
I tired looking in the tag but I just got all the "Your Valid " posts and nothing explaining
Which is just making me feel kind dumb
Like you are valid! I just don't understand and feel dumb
Like I could look it true but I want someone who is Aplationic and all that to explain ut
As it is your identity
At this point I am 100% sure I am ace and I am somewhat sure I am Aromantic but I am just having some trouble with some of the other Identities on the Arospec
This is a mess. I am so so sorry
Basically what does Aplationic mean?
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daz4i · 1 year ago
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when ww said "this is not my life, I'm no survivor, i only happened to survive"
#he gets it he really does.#hate when ppl call me resilient or are proud of me for surviving shit. girl i did not do anything to be here now. in fact quite the contrary#i am permanently in survival mode and I'm trying so hard to turn it off. but mostly in 1 direction and not the one most ppl hope#sigh. I'm tired man 😐 i just started new mood stabilizers and I'm anxious as fuck#(well. not new. i was on them before when i was a teen. can't remember why i stopped tho)#the whole trying new pills is depressing bc well. there's p much nothing left for me to try#i had a call with her this week. i mentioned it i think. but most of it was trying to figure out if there's meds i never tried out there#the only other one we considered to maybe replace my current antidepressant is very new to the market aka she doesn't know what it does yet#so. instead of replacing. adding stabilizers and hope they don't make things even worse (but lbr they probably will)#I'm very close to giving up yet again. idk what there even is to give up on anymore. my life is nothing with a side of void#but giving up is the only thing i know how to do. I'm too anxious to do anything else. i don't know how to do anything else#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh really wanna cut rn but i already have some wounds on my hands and arms + I'm in enough pain as is so what's the use#vent#i should sleep. idk if i can. I've been trying all day and failed. I'm so tired#i wish i didn't wake up man 😐 i wish i died. tonight#suicide //#not really but implied ig#self harm mention //#ask to tag
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mako-island-moon-pool · 8 months ago
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Ignored again today, going to start maiming the hostages until behavior improves
#Look at my bids for human connection LOOK AT THEM#''why don't you ever talk about yourself unprompted'' when I speak no one listens to me#I don't even have the energy to ask why they're ignoring me anymore#Tf am I going to get in response? 'o sorry lol my brain sux'? And then it'll just keep happening? Yeah I'm good#Stupid fucking moron can't discern fantasy from reality- actually believes friendship is a real thing that can happen IRL. More at 11.#Idiot#Should've learned from the last 15 people who ditched you as soon as they realized you were too fucking weird for them to handle#Why the FUCK would any other human on this stupid fucking mud ball be any different???#You've done it man. You've seen all there is to see. Let it fucking go already. Friendship is a lie sold by big cartoons to make you believe#In something more so you have enough hope to keep on living day to day so that you can be exploited for money#Give it a rest!!! There is no friendship and there is no fridge! They LIED!#For real though#I'm so fucking tired of being ignored all the time. I don't know why it always happens or what I'm doing wrong but I can't stand it anymore#And every time I bring it up I get hollow empty apologies or excuses and no matter what it will continue to happen#I really don't know what else to do. I've spoken to people. I've not spoken to people. I've reached out. I've stayed silent. Everything.#I can't fucking do this anymore I don't know what's wrong with me that makes people think it's fine to do this#People just get angry at me for things they don't tell me or assume I'm angry at them when I'm not and then the whole friendship falls apart#And I can't keep doing this#I don't know what it is about me that makes this so fucking difficult but I can't stand it anymore#My very fucking existence must be branded with something that makes people go 'this one isn't too important we can just ignore it to#Conserve energy' because it happens with *everyone*#Ffs my dad can't even be bothered to remember how old I am#There is something seriously wrong with me#There has to be#I don't think I'm going to be able to escape it
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homunculus-argument · 5 months ago
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I remember this story mom told me and my sister when we were little. Two frogs fall into a milk churn, and start swimming to stay on the surface. After a long time, one of the frogs tells the other that it's tired of swimming, and is just going to give up now. The frog sinks and drowns, while the other frog keeps swimming. Eventually the surviving frog that never gave up has been swimming for so long that the milk has been churned into butter, and the frog can hop out. The moral of the story is that life feels hopeless a lot, but if you give in to despair, you fucking die.
I had two aunts from my father's side. I don't remember anything about one of them, she died when I was three years old. We were never lied to about how it happened. She killed herself, jumped out of a window. She gave in to despair. My paternal grandmother lost her mind over the grief, developing dementia overnight. I never knew her as a sane, coherent person. She gave in to the despair. That's what I was taught, that's how I was raised. Life is pain, but if you give in to the despair, you fucking die.
I am an optimist. Always have been. I had to be. Indulging in pessimistic fatalism was a luxury that I could not afford. I'm not an optimist out of some naive lack of awareness that life can be bad sometimes. I grew up very familiar with how bad life can be. I was an optimist in believing - against all the proof of the contrary - that life could be other things, too. That it's possible that there could be a life that doesn't hurt all the time.
I can't afford to be a pessimist. I don't pretend to believe that things will never get bad, but I have no choice but to believe that no matter how bad things will get, there can be good things in life, no matter what. I don't talk to my family anymore, but I did survive being raised by them. The ones who give up hope don't make it. If you let the darkness seep in, and give in to despair, you die.
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versegm · 5 months ago
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I originally wanted to post this zine, which is a beginner-friendly introduction to what "intersex" means, but tumblr did that funny little thing where the post was invisible from dashboard, presumably because it was deemed nsfw. Sorry for using real words on my educational post instead of censoring myself I suppose.
So yeah. Instead you get this zine, which I made because I am pissed off that every single time I look up "intersex" anywhere I run into misconceptions that could be corrected by reading the wikipedia page on intersex people. Because I fucking guess "making a post about a group of people and actually looking up said group of people" is too much to ask.
And because this is the "piss on the poor" website: yes, I am well aware that most people are genuinely ignorant and don't mean any ill. Yes, I know it must feel really bad to see a post about a random person yelling at you about an issue you weren't aware of until now. This isn't about you. This is about me. This is for me, because every six months I make the blandest most sanded down "btw remember that intersex people exist :]" post and I feel like I'm yelling into the uncaring void. I am tired. I am so very tired of being the "friendly educational blogger who is understanding of everyone's circumstances." I'm more than that. I should be allowed to be more than that.
Anyways. Happy pride. Read up on every letter of the LGBTQIA+ acronym. At least the wikipedia page. Come on. Just the wikipedia page.
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tsukii0002 · 6 months ago
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Mc: Remember when I told you about my period?
The brothers: ...
Mc: And how it was recommended that for those days there should always be chocolate and hot water bags because it helped me and gave me comfort?
Satan: Yes, we remember it...
Mc: And remember that I told you so you would not be caught off guard?
Belphie: Yeah...
Mc: Well *taking a breath*, it's time for us to talk about YOUR periods.
Mammon: We do not have periods!!!
Mc: *slamming the table* Periods, heats, mating time…. Call it what you want but it's time to talk about it!!!!
Levi: *very flushed* But...
Mc: But nothing!! I'm tired of waking up in nests in random places in the house time to time!!!! It's not nice to wake up with feathers in my mouth!!!!!
Lucifer:*blushing*...
Mc: I would also like to be prepared in case I find any animal corpses at the foot of the bed!!! I appreciate the thought but I am human!!!! I don't need you to show me that you can get resources!!!! That's what supermarkets are for!!
Satan: *dodging the gaze*
Mc: And it would really be nice to know when you produce pheromones, that would have avoided me a lot of problems in RAD.
Asmo: Ha, ha *nervous laughter*
Mc: Or to know when to prepare myself to wake up in a cave dug in the garden or underwater.
Beel: ...
Levi: ...
Mc: And it would not be bad to know that during your period you are showing your demonic forms, I almost had four heart attacks the first time I saw your eyes glowing in the dark Mammon!!!
Mammon: That was an accident...
Mc: *enumerating with their fingers* Or that your sleep schedule changes, or that you don't sleep at all, or that your temperature changes, or that some of you become non-verbal, or that your wings produce a specific sound as a call…
Lucifer: Enough *massaging his temples while blushing* It has become clear.
Mc: You didn't think that, as a human living with seven demons, I should know these things???
Mammon: We didn't think you would notice...
Mc: *looking at him exceptionally* Mammon, my dear, last time you brought me a cocatrix egg because it glowed.
The brothers: ...
Mc: This is my last warning! Either we talk and set schedules or I take Solomon and Luke and go live somewhere else.
The brothers: !!!!
Satan: *whispering* Why only Solomon and Luke?
Asmo: *also whispering* Mc has given this same talk to Lord Diavolo, Barbatos and Simeon….
Mc: *taking out a notebook* So stop behaving like a pubescent teenager and tell me how your periods are going and if I can help you in any way.
Lucifer: Okay, you win…but this is not like your period.
Mammon: It's not fair!!! It's not like we can avoid it
Levi: *covering his face* This is going to be worse than a public exhibition…
Asmo: Well, at least this way we won't have to hide it….
Satan: *sighing* Will it really do any good?
Beel: *worried* It won't be a problem for Mc?
Belphie: … Well, I do want them to spoil me on my period.
The brothers: Belphie!!!!
Mc: *holding back laughter* That's the spirit.
.
.
I would like to write more extensive headcanons about it in the future 😊
Part 1 Part 2
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