#I am very glad that I was allowed to make illustrations on this fanfiction

[a3dde]

So this, two illustrations to chapter 15 of the fanfiction Winter of the author @numbr2-pencil

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

Yo I'm sorry but I read your answer to that one ask about nsfw stuff in one day/19 days. And for the most part I agree, exept for one thing. Please, for the love of god, don't say this is a comic "for" women. Yes it's bl BUT Old Xian is not a god damn fujoshi. He is male and uses he/him pronouns. This is not a story focused to please female viewers. This is a story about boys in love by a man not some god damn fetish for women. Just because it has a "manga style" doesn't mean it's a "Yaoi" :')

Good afternoon, dear anon-san!

And thank you for your comment regarding my earlier answer about 19 Days being NSFW. I’m glad to hear you felt like you could agree with most of it even though there was something that rubbed you the wrong way. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me or coming forward if they take issue with whatever I have said. But I would be lying if I said answering your comment doesn’t make me nervous. BL and fujoshis are quite controversial topics that I’m sure will divide people reading this or following me. But I don’t think I would be doing anyone a favor if I wasn’t honest even if what I have to say is controversial. I would like to think I have always tried to be open to all kinds of opinions and perspectives even if they differ from mine, and I hope people will extend me the courtesy. 

“Yes it’s bl BUT Old Xian is not a god damn fujoshi. He is male and uses he/him pronouns.”

I don’t think I said OldXian was a fujoshi, but I can see how that might have been implied by me saying 19 Days is a work of BL. As a genre, BL is typically targeted at a female audience by female authors. However, that is just how it usually goes. BL has plenty of male fans, too, and they’re called fudanshi. I’m not saying OX is a fudanshi but rather that all kinds of people can be fans of BL. It’s not tied to one’s gender.

Also, while males writing BL certainly isn’t typical, it’s not unheard of, either. Sadly, the author’s gender is somehow considered relevant even these days which has resulted in many male BL authors using female aliases (and vice versa when it comes to females writing genres that are typically written by male authors). But there are some BL authors who are openly males, too. For example, D. Jun – the author of Guang Xiang and Here U Are – is apparently a male.

“This is not a story focused to please female viewers. This is a story about boys in love by a man not some god damn fetish for women. Just because it has a “manga style” doesn’t mean it’s a ‘Yaoi’”

No, having “manga style” doesn’t make 19 Days a yaoi. The fact that one of its major themes is gay love makes it a BL, though. Especially in the context of it being an Asian publication. Are there other kinds of relationships and themes included, too? Yes, most definitely! And they’re all intriguing and essential to the story. The comic is also about friendship, families, and coming of age, to name a few. But it can’t be denied a pretty significant part of it revolves around homoerotic love, and that kind of theme is mainly consumed by a prominently female audience. They are also more often than not heavily targeted at female readers and to appeal to their tastes.

Case in point, the good-looking male protagonists with lean muscles and the author not exactly shying away from drawing them at least half-naked. You could also say He Tian’s character is the kind that typically appeals to females – a dark bad boy with a hot bod and vulnerable, tragic past. And what do you know, he’s at least the second fan favorite - if not the most liked, even. Are we really going to pretend these aspects aren’t attracting and appealing to female readers? Am I really the only one seeing readers drool and squeal whenever OX publishes chapters featuring shirtless HT, moments of tender gay affection, or illustrations of suggestive poses (homoerotic or otherwise)? Is OX doing it intentionally to appeal to female readers? No one but OX can answer to that, but does it really matter? I don’t think it changes the end result; it attracts largely females and I’m sure many of them are avid consumers of BL, too.

I don’t think this has escaped OX, either. A couple of times by now, the comic has made references to BL genre, girls being fans of cute guys together and how that kind of material attracts the female attention (ch. 151, 295, and 296):

(Sorry for the cencor, but Tumblr wouldn’t let me post this otherwise...)

Those moments can basically be taken both as OX making light of the genre and the comic being self-aware. 19 Days makes funny metafictional references while also utilizing the BL conventions itself. It’s also a clever way if the author wants to take a stand on how their work is different from its predecessors in the same genre. Because I think 19 Days is quite one of a kind compared to other BL publications. And it has sparked conversations regarding the BL conventions, for example, ukes vs. semes. It can do all that and still be a BL as such that it appeals to females or fans of the genre in general.

Now, does any of that mean 19 Days can’t appeal to other kinds of fans, too? Of course, not! In fact, you yourself dear anon-san, are an excellent example of that. I think 19 Days is one of the few Asian BL comics that has attracted countless of Western fans, too, who are perhaps not that familiar with Asian BL. It should also be noted that m/m ships are hugely popular in the Western fandoms, too. They are just more tied to the original works and not really separated to become a genre of its own as has happened with BL in Asia, especially in Japan. As it happens, the stats of the Top 100 Ships on AO3 in 2019 were just published the other day, and whopping 69 of them are slash aka m/m. Do you think that is completely unrelated to the fact that fanfiction is mostly written and read by females? I’m not saying it’s the only reason because it’s more complicated than that, but it certainly indicates Western female audiences are also big fans of homoerotic content. And they, too, are often accused of “making everything gay”.

I also don’t have a problem admitting this: If 19 Days didn’t have homoerotic themes whatsoever and the boys were having crushes on females, I doubt I would have been interested in the comic. The other themes I mentioned above are interesting to me, but on their own and paired up with m/f endgame relationships they wouldn’t be enough for me. I don’t read 19 Days just for the gay content, but it is a significant reason why I originally checked it out and why I keep loving it. Personally, I don’t think being attracted to the gay aspect and loving the story and characters, too, has to be an either-or kind of deal. You can very well do both. Does saying this somehow make me less of a fan of 19 Days? I’m sure it does in some people’s eyes but frankly, I don’t need other’s approval to love and be interested in something.

So far, I have pretty much disagreed with everything you said, but allow me to offer you an olive branch, dear anon-san. I get why my BL-related notions may have upset you. I get where you are coming from with saying 19 Days isn’t a “fetish for women”. You don’t want something you love to be associated with something you clearly despise. Yaoi and fujoshis have a bad rep, and I’m not trying to pretend like it’s completely underserved. I read a lot of BL but don’t really agree with the hardcore fujoshi mentality or identify with them as a group. I also think BL works have many tropes and conventions that do not represent realistic gay relationships and are highly problematic. However, BL is a fictional genre with its own history, development, conventions, and target audience. And as an avid BL reader, I think just because something appeals to me in a fictional setting it doesn’t mean I’m advocating the same things in real life.

To be honest, talking about this kind of makes my stomach twist with dread and nerves because I realize many people might get upset over this. And putting yourself in this kind of position on Tumblr especially can be a bit risky. So, let me say it once again: People are welcome to disagree with me or think I’m as wrong as humanly possible. And I would most probably understand where they are coming from. However, I would also like to remind anyone feeling angry with me that this is just me coming from a different point of view. Just like you are, dear anon-san. As far as I’m concerned, you are free to enjoy 19 Days from your own perspective and me from mine without it having to mean we’re somehow robbing each other of something.

[puukkolesbo]

Do you have any emilalli fic recs?🌟

alright, time to go thru my ao3 history *rubs my hands together* here u go! putting these under the cut

Come To Me by JStevens

words: 112k | rated: T

It’s been nearly four years now, and Emil is fine. Emil is great, in fact. Maybe there are still some nights when he can’t sleep–and half a year of his life that he can’t allow himself to remember–but he’s moved on from the past. He’s happy with his life now. He’s a success. He has a beautiful girlfriend who wants to marry him. How else could you describe such a life but happy? What else could he possibly be missing?

i usually avoid all fics where one half of my ship is in another relationship at the beginning, and especially if the relationship is straight, bc i just can’t with the gay panic trope. but a friend recced this to me and i made an exception - and boy am i glad i did!! this is some good good writing y’all

Miten sanotaan… by Ilthit

words: 300 | rated: G

How do you say “I love you” in Finnish?

cute! as! fuck!! i’m always both a slut for finnish in ssss fics and very nervous about it. written finnish can be awkward and cringey since literally no one speaks the same way we write, and i have very strong headcanon about the dialect the finns in the comic would speak… but this one works & is, let me repeat, cute as fuck

Fumbling Towards You by straightforwardly

words: 3.4k | rated: G

In which Emil is very confused, Lalli is kind of jealous and also very confused, and they eventually figure things out.

also cute as fuck! i love these oblivious boys!

Party of Two by Kiraly

words: 1.5k | rated: T

They’ve made it back safely from the Silent World. But now Lalli has to face something more terrifying than trolls: a fancy party. And then there’s the little matter of a Swede who looks unfairly good in his dress uniform.

looove this author’s lalli voice! also who doesn’t like the trope of dressing up for a party & both halves of a ship going “damn he looks good”?? also also emil wearing makeup & lalli being confused about it = nice

in the bitter foam and brackish streams by oriflamme

words: 1.2k | rated: G

Lalli wandered out into the Silent World, and came back with a soulmate. Onni’s never letting them leave home again.

ok this is more onni angst than emilalli, but let me cry about that grump of a man just a little

What the eyes don’t see by Rusakko

words: 1.2k | rated: G

Young people. So transparent even when they think they are being subtle.

outside pov is always good!! especially when it has mikkel laughing into his sideburns

A Couple Weeks Later by JStevens

words: 79k | rated: G

What happened between pages 537 and 538? That question, and waiting for new pages, led to this series of scenes imagining how Lalli came to begin learning Swedish, and how he and Emil got over the infamous Soup Incident–and several other incidents of their own making–before arriving at Odense. What started as something more like ficlet seems to be growing into an actual story of sorts. Who knew!

emil teaching swedish to lalli!!! jstevens owns my whole ass

Five times Emil and Lalli try to have their first kiss, and one time they actually succeed by wanpan

words: 3.3k | rated: G

Exactly what it says on the tin.

it is exactly what it says on the tin! and it’s so very good!! i just adore the five times + one format. and there’s a cute af comic version too

Poker Face by Minutia_R

words: 444 | rated: G

Poker is a stupid game.

another short one w a wonderful, wonderful lalli voice! also includes an illustration by kiraly. just cute and fun!

aaaaand then last but certainly not least, the one that might just be my favourite:

on the salt burnt sands by oriflamme

words: 5.2 | rated: M

He wants to be cool and collected the first time he reaches out and takes Lalli’s hand in public and gestures confidently at the pastry display.

Lalli yanks his hand back, eyebrows shooting together like he’s offended.

hand holding!! emotional constipation!! language barrier!! this is just a wonderful piece of fanfiction & the ending is hilarious to me, i think about it on like. a weekly basis at least

[brightlotusmoon]

Cerebral palsy makeup application:

Revlon Teal eyeliner, NYX Sliver eyeliner smudged, It Cosmetics Confidence Compact Cream Foundation over Too Faced Born This Way Liquid Concealer, It Cosmetics Superhero Mascara, Too Faced Long Wear Liquid Lipstick in Bend Snap over It Cosmetics Buff Nude Lipliner.

Spastic Hemiplegia workaround: take a muscle relaxer, if not prescription then OTC or online bought like Magnesium with MSM, Passionflower, Kava, Kratom, Mucuna. After it kicks it, use fingers to apply moisturizer, let it absorb for a minute. Use fingers to apply foundation and/or concealer, blend with makeup brush or sponge. Keep elbow straight. Very slowly apply eyeliner to upper lid, mistakes can always be smudged. Same with mascara, if you feel confident gently press mascara to lower lashes. Very slowly swipe lipstick and rub lips together. Keep brushes and sponges nearby. Make funny faces to make sure makeup looks okay, plus, Face Yoga tones muscles. When taking selfies, consider lighting and angles. Depending on how your cerebral palsy affects your hands, you will need to modify this also applies to arthritis and fibromyalgia and other conditions that affect muscles, joints, fine motor control, physical focus, etc. My mother graduated from FIT with degrees in fashion illustration and design, plus anatomy and makeup artistry before becoming a painter and figure drawing master instructor whose clients include celebrities. I wasn’t interested in fashion or makeup until I was in college and let Mom teach me, learning how to see the skin as a canvas. Because of my disabilities my mother helped me modify and compensate. My Facebook groups for cerebral palsy are always looking for makeup tips and no two of us are alike. Remember: modify, individualize, compensate, compromise. You’re crippled so do it you’re way and make the most of you.

**********************************

And now for Related Random Rambling!

This makes me think of my fictionial characters, both Original and in Fanfiction.

My top major fandom, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, involves humanoid turtle mutants with human minds and humanoid anatomy who grew up isolated and seperate from human society until age 15. They began as an homage to gritty Marvel superhero stories and are directly tied to the origin of Daredevil. They also seem to pay some homage to the X-Men, with themes of isolation, forced hiding, being feared and hated. They never did meet Daredevil despite being covered in the mutagen goo that caused Matt Murdock’s blindness. Splinter was based on Stick and The Foot was based on The Hand. Anyway. I am getting off track. Stop that, neurodivergent compulsive writerbrain, get back here. I promise this ties into beauty and self confidence.

******

In the original Mirage comics, the Turtles identified as asexual boys, according to Eastman and Laird. But the youngest, Mikey, in every version, is so completely fascinated by human cultures that he doesn’t care what scraps of humanity he gets. GI Joe and Barbie dolls. Tiaras, body glitter, skirts, eyeshadow, whatever. And later versions changed things around and then the fandom did its own thing. However, Mikey and Donnie as the two youngers and the curious insightful minds, are always confident in their masculinity that they are confident in femininity. The fact that they grew up with no obvious gender roles should be meaningful.

Mikey loves gender play. In the 2003 series, Don and Mike did dress up as an elderly man and woman couple to trick some criminals and Mike joked happily about it.

Raphael: You can lose the dress now, Mikey. Michelangelo: Why? Does this dress make me look fat? C'mon, tell me the truth! I can handle it! Donatello: I’m just glad Mikey stopped referring to me as his husband. Mikey: …. Mikey: *shrug, smirk* Me, watching again after recently coming out as a nonbinary neurogender mid femme demigirl: LOL. I shall interpret that however I wish.

The Nick 2012 Mikey, with obvious neoteny in his round face, freckles, huge baby blue eyes, youthful immature behavior, and desire to stay cheerful, playful, wild, carefree, optimistic, and Zen despite the horrors of the world, is underestimated as too naive. But he invented his own kata for the kusarigama when it didn’t exist, he is a masterful master of the very difficult nunchaku, he is athletic and acrobatic with unnatural speed and flexibility, when he truly concentrates he is a force of nature, he can create chemistry without thinking, he is a confusingly good sociologist and psychologist, he is a powerful empath and natural raw psychic, he can assess his environment using all his senses, hinting at synesthesia. If he really wanted, he could become a master ninja. But he is sensitive and loving and compassionate until he is betrayed. His greatest fear is being betrayed, rejected, ignored, abandoned, turned away in anger, left completely alone in the stifling darkness with the monsters in his mind and in the world. His powerful deadly talents need to be backed up with feelings of love, acceptance, understanding, light, positivity. Not cultish positivity but basic positivity that allows for negativity that he can use to push himself forward to keep fighting.

When I wear my makeup, my silver or gold eyeshadow and my illuminating concealer and my shimmery red lipstick, I feel that power, that force. I feel positivity flow through me and I take my negativity and use it as a shield and sword, I use negative energy emotionally to push myself like my fictional characters. The cosmetics I wear are like war paint. Because I am a Fae warrior dammit.

[procrastinista]

All I Want...

I think I realized a Writing Thing: If I take too long to write a scene once I’ve imagined it, I’ll get bored and then feel like there’s something vaguely wrong with it. I’ll struggle to come up with a new “fresh” approach to recapture my attention, but often times after experimenting with a bunch of different ideas, I wind up going back to the original plan because it’s really what makes the most sense for the story.

So, knowing that, I’m going to attempt to not fall into that trap again. Kind of a small Writing Thing, but a Thing nonetheless.

Ok, now onto bigger writing news. For 2017 my only resolution is this: I will do what I *want* to do, not what I have “have to” or “need to” do.

This is a mindset that my therapist has suggested I adopt in general, and the more I do it, the more I like it. It helps me evaluate what I really want to do with my time, and consider what is the most important activity for any moment. And it’s ok if what I really want to do is nothing but scroll Tumblr or browse social media or watch Netflix shows--just so long as I can voice that and believe it, it’s alright.

So what do I *want* to do in 2017? I definitely want to write more. I want to want to write more! In this vein, I’m going to try to spend time writing every day. And any writing is writing--if I want to write political rants or if I want to write a review of my latest Netflix obsession or if I want to write about how I am feeling about writing--it doesn’t matter. Everything counts.

Because last year, if I look at my fiction writing I wind up disappointed with myself. But, if I look at everything I wrote, and not just one subset, I feel quite a bit better. I’ve done a decent job of communicating in my writing, and earned some appreciative comments for my efforts. Not that comments are everything, of course, but I’ve realized that I can do more than simply work on one thing at a time. (Mainly, my super long Dragon Age fanfic, documented under ‘my writing’ on my DA sideblog).

Oh yeah, in that vein, I’m going to write about writing here more, instead of restricting it to ThinkDragonAGe. Since I was primarily focused on fanfiction before (and on only one of my stories, to be honest), I kept all my writing talk over there before. But now I’m trying to be less compartmentalized in my life. I’m trying to share more of myself at a time, instead of partitioning off the segments of my personality that don’t fit in everywhere. So I’m going to write about writing more on the blog that is most intimately connected with my “real” self… if that makes any sense.

I’m also going to let myself write whatever my imagination feels like settling on. If that means starting 20+ original projects at once, so be it. I have had a good number of ideas for original stories lately, but sometimes I am susceptible to a form of tunnel vision when it comes to my writing projects. I still have a major goal I want to accomplish: finishing Poison and Wine. But that doesn’t mean I must forgo any other writing project while that remains unfinished. Just because I’m not working on it at any given moment does not mean that I’m giving up on it. It just means that I’m working on more than one thing at once. And that’s good! Because I want to write much more than just one story.

Part of this latest revelation comes from my time spent playing Minecraft, if you can believe that. I only recently discovered the joys of that game. It’s hard for me to describe exactly what is so appealing about the open-ended, sandbox environment Minecraft provides, because nothing I’d read or heard before I played it truly captures the experience. But I can try to illustrate my revelation anyway.

Minecraft is a totally open-ended, sandbox style game. It has two modes: Survival and Creative. My daughter adores creative, but my brother has always waxed on about the joys of survival.

I have played both versions and they are both quite appealing. The godlike power of having complete control over your environment that Creative offers can lead to some truly impressive constructions. My brother and daughter have been playing for so long that they’ve become accomplished builders in their own ways. Jane comes up with giant elaborate castles, along with fantastical creatures flying in the sky -- the mermaid and unicorn were favorites of mine. My brother builds very attractive, realistic looking buildings, like an ultra modern mansion or an elaborate cathedral.

In Survival, just making it through each day and night without dying leads to more limited designs. But, again, Jane and David knew things I didn’t, and were able to quickly create structures that were both visually appealing and extremely functional and safe.

I wound up playing quite a bit of single player once I learned enough to manage on my own. I wanted the challenge of doing everything myself, for I figured that would teach me more than just being told what to do by more experienced players. And that’s when the game really sunk its teeth into me.

I had no one I was accountable to but myself and the monsters who would try to eat me each night. Other than survival, I had no larger quest or mission to worry about: the world would be as big or as small as I made it.

I spent hours creating my home, coming up with a design beyond a simple boxlike structure, all the while using the materials available nearby, in the place I chose to settle. Then, when it felt like I’d spent too much time in my little patch of the world, I started venturing out--always building a road so I could easily return home at night.

I found myself starting a dozen projects at once. I’d bounce around like a pinball to each partially finished job--it was easy to start mining and lose myself in underground exploration, finding rarer and more powerful minerals the further I delved. Or, I’d set out on my boat and zip around the continent, discovering new biomes as I went, gathering new resources to experiment with and learning new crafting recipes as I researched each material. I could lose myself simply tweaking my homestead, adding more details as I learned to craft a wider variety of items. And then I might spend an hour rearranging my inventory until it was in a perfectly pleasing and efficient configuration.

And all that bouncing around made me think a lot about writing. Because I so often tie myself to one goal at a time, and force myself to keep working even when it isn’t that fun anymore. It made me realize that part of the reason I did that was fear--fear that if I didn’t keep plugging ahead with one goal at a time that I’d never finish it. But guess what? Even as I bounced from project to project in Minecraft, I still finished things. And I learned and explored so much of the world by simply following what was fun at the time, and not worrying about only one mission or goal given to me from on high.

What if writing could be more like that? What if I started working on whatever was really fun for me to think about at any given moment? I bet I might become just as enthralled with writing if I were to allow myself to have more FUN with it, and explore a heck of a lot more. Because it’s more than just work! It’s… it’s what I love to do more than anything else I’ve tried in these 43 years.

It’s what I truly and deeply *want* to do with my life.

So there… that’s a lot of writing about writing for today. I’ve got some work to attend to (which I want to do b/c I want to make money and continue to be employed), but I’m glad I took the time to put this all in writing. It feels good to write what I want, for a change. It’s the only resolution I care to make this year.