#I am terrified this will end up in the positivity tags and I don't want it to

[automaticdata]

I need to get this off my chest.

It is part of content creator's job to figure out where the line is between friendly teasing and bullying and not cross it, not only for the sake of the other content creators they are collaborating with, but also for their audience. If your audience literally can't tell if the other content creator is okay with it, especially if it's a live stream where you and the other content creator can't just call a timeout and talk over if it's okay, then you need to make it clear that the other party is okay with it -- which you can't do if they are literally asking you repeatedly to stop and you are gaslighting them about it.

Like, guys, I know Scott and Jimmy are friends. I know Jimmy likes his friends giving him a hard time. But Jimmy genuinely seemed annoyed and frustrated. He literally rushed choosing his next origin, which was the title of the stream, because Scott was about to kill his character and he couldn't defend himself while he was in the origins menu. Scott literally ended up killing him multiple times, and at no point did Jimmy give any indication, either to Scott or his audience, that he was okay with it.

To be honest, the way the entire thing went down wouldn't have been okay even if Jimmy was okay with it. It was way too reminiscent of toxic friendships I had where bullying was disguised as "friendly teasing" that I hated. Not only was it not fun to watch, but I felt bad watching it. I'm not the only one who has experienced toxic friendships or bullying, and I think content creators should be congizant of the fact that there's a segment of their audience who will see these interactions and get upset by them.

Livestreams are different than episodes, too. If this kind of teasing happens in one of Jimmy's episodes, I feel like it's safe to assume all parties were okay with the content of the vid, and if they weren't a discussion would have happened off-camera. During a livestream, though, you don't have that kind of reassurance that everything was okayed off-camera. Jimmy seemed genuinely upset, and he was repeatedly telling Scott to stop only to be met with laughter and gaslighting. Even when he pulled Scott aside to talk to him about it, Scott was treating it like it was part of the bit when the audience wasn't getting any indication from Jimmy that that was the case.

Jimmy has told his chat in the past that he was okay with something that was perceived as bullying, on his Raft stream with Grian, fWhip, and Joel. He even included an aside in the edited version of the footage that told his audience he was okay with it. He didn't do that during this stream, and since these streams aren't getting edited down I don't think we'll get the same aside like we did on the Raft video. As of writing this, we have no idea how Jimmy actually felt about it, and I feel like unless he brings it up in a future stream or on social media, we never will.

Content creators who are livestreaming like this have to know where the line is, and in my opinion, Scott hardcore crossed the line. I'm not okay with it. It's gotten to the point where I feel like Jimmy needs a safeword just so he can tell his friends when to cut it out, and that's not a good point to reach.

[solar4seekstron]

Transformers One x Reader: Awakening Chapter Three

Chapter 3: Traitor!

Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Four, Chapter Five

Transformers One x Cybertronian!GN!reader

TW/tags: B being adorable, death (deer robot and primes flashback), tried to add reader in the best I can without changing too much, D loses his shit near the end, 3rd pov, that should be all

(Alright gang it’s time for chapter 3! It was a bit hard for me to add much moments for Y/N and B in this bit because most of the time it didn’t feel right to change certain parts and moments except for the part where the gang is walking. As always I try to add accurate dialogue as I imagine that it’s what the characters would say. Hopefully you all enjoy this and enjoy the reader as you see their character grow and more of their personality and so on. Enjoy.)

Elita starts punching the giant rock next to her.

“Ok so uh this is us. And if we follow the path to-“

“Now you listen to me Mr. Zero seconds since my last accident. I’ll go on your little quest ‘cause I don't have a choice! But I carry the map. I navigate. And if this leads to nothing! Then I’m dragging you and those two idiot GoBots back to Iacon city and into the first supervisor depo we see at which point you will explain everything that has happened using words that reflect me in a very positive light! Got it!!”

“Yeah ok deal all right all right.”

“Lets go!”

B would then follow Elita after look at Orion. Orion looking terrified. As the four walk forward following Elita. Orion was waiting for D first to catch up then starts walking. D admiring their surroundings both curious and confused. Y/N was next to Orion as the two walked forward. Orion would look over at Y/N.

“This is going well. Sorry for bringing you into this. Didn’t plan you two joining.”

”It’s fate at least someone other then D joins you. More then one it seems.”

”Yeah B we just met when Darkwing brought is to one of the sub levels to keep us hidden. B helped us escape and thought of the train once we found the map.”

”Well. He seems pretty nice….Enough.” The two would then start walking once D caught up

”She- She’s joining us? Fantastic! Hi there, uh Elita right? Am I saying that right? Wanted to formally introduce myself. Uh, I’m B-127. You kneed me in the face earlier back there. Uh you-you can call me B or! Badassatron. It’s a nickname sort of what the guys gave me I don’t know. I didn’t give it to myself or anything, it's just-…actually it’s pronounced “Badassatron!!”…In case you were wondering. “Badassatron!!” You like that right?….”Badass-“

“I’m going to need you to talk less.”

“Sure oh yeah no problem. What am I stalking less about? My nickname? That’s fine with me.” Y/N started to walk forward a bit. Giving the two some privacy as they smoke and continues to look at their surroundings. Then joining Elita and B.

“Hey. You’re thinking about what you’ll say when you hand the Matrix to Sentinel aren't you?”

“I can’t help it.”

“D! We’re really doing this.”

“So glad I’m out here with you. This was a great idea.”

The five will continue their journey for what seems like a few hours.

“I’m just having a good time. How much further is the matrix on the map? Make an educated guess that- This is the coolest thing that's ever happened to anyone anywhere I’m telling you! One not two not three, not four but five. Five best friends who are walking through the door- there’s no doors we’re outside.”

Y/N would chuckle finding his humor funny other then the others. They were walking next to B as the others were a bit further.

”B-127 you certainly know how to sing”

”Oh well thank you. You know I just got that talent I guys.”

The two would laugh as Elita rolls her eyes as Orion and D groan until he notices plants from the planet showing again

“Hey look there’s more of it over here.”

Orion would touch the planet life coming out of the ground.

“What is it?”

“It’s not metal.”

“Like some kind of uhh weird nature. It’s weird.”

“So are they.” Soon seeing robot deers

They all then hear a loud noise

“What was that?”

“Uhm I think this is not right, we should go.” Orion seeing dust past him and the deers running the direction they were headed

“Yeah, good idea. “ The five start running getting to what seems like an abandoned town

“Run!”

“What are we running from?”

“What is that!?”

A ship will show itself

“Oh no. It’s a Quintesson ship!”

“What!”

“Oh that ain’t right!!!”

“What do we do? What do we do?”

“Shh. Quiet.”

Soon the five have their backs against a wall. Orion, D, Y/N, B, And Elita all looking up at the sky confused and scared. The five would then see one of the deers running and soon the poor deer was hit with something that caused it to explode. Elita was the one to grab Y/N’s hand after they tripped for a second and kept running

“It’s scanning for lifeforms. Move! Move!”

They soon start running

“Go go go.”

D, Y/N and Elita are able to make to a spot where the structure over them of the town can block the scanners above them.

“Come on! They’re not gonna make it!” Y/N trys to step forward wanting to help them but D and Elita would put their hand on Y/Ns shoulder and chest stopping them as the three watched.

Orion then grabs B by just stopping him as they stay under something that keeps the scanners from detecting them. B soon falling on his knees once they pass. Soon the ship will leave

“What- what were they searching for?”

“Someone to hug B. How should I know?” Y/N hits Ds arm with your fist

“I’m not waiting around to find out.”

“This way we’re close.”

“Quintessons haven’t been for 50 cycles.”

“It doesn’t make sense! There’s nothing out here.”

”What ever they’re looking for can’t be up here!…I hope.”

They soon make it to a cave. Climbing to an unpleasant entrance.

“A cave with teeth. Nothing scary about that.”

They start walking forward. B staying close to Y/N as the two look at the eachother scared and unsure

“Knives coming out of the ceiling. Everyone, do we have to go- ok yep we’re going in. Why shouldn’t we? Just walking into the scariest place I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Not ridiculous.”

They continue to walk until they see a sight that causes them to have to stop for a moment

“I don't believe it…”

“The Primes…”

“We’re here.”

”It’s…..really them..”

The five then start walking deeper in the cave. Elita looking at the body of Solus Prime. D. Walking to the head of Megatronus Prime. Kneeling down as he puts his hand on it. Soon looking angry. Orion looks at Zeta Primes body soon kneeling down before him. Y/N walks to Vector Primes body. Taking a knee and bowing their head to him

“Megatronus Prime…..”

“Zeta Prime….The Matrix?…It’s gone.”

“Lets keep looking.”

“Hey guys!”

Soon the five find rocks pilled together making something that was big and after removing them it’s revealed to be Alpha Trion

“It’s Alpha Trion.”

“He’s powered down, but his spark is still lit.”

B would then give Orion a small cube. Orion puts it in Tyrion’s mouth. He soon awakens and the five step back scared

“Message before!”

“Whoah whoah it’s ok! It’s ok. You’re safe now. The war is over.”

Trion would then stand up and make his way to Zetas body as he held his chest.

“I’ve failed you. Old friend. You deserved so much better than this end.”

“No you didn’t fail. We heard your message. We’ve come to find the Martrix-“

“Your transformation cogs- what happened to you? Who are you?”

“We’re cogless miners. From Iacon.”

“Miners? Why?”

“Well we’d have to drill for energon ever since it stopped flowing.”

“Impossible.”

“That’s why we came to fix things. If we find the Matrix of Leadership and get it to Sentinal Prime he sai-“

“Sentinel Is No Prime!”

“WHAT!?”

“He’s broken. Frantastic.” D and Y/N say looking at eachother thinking the same thing as they look back at Trion.

“What are you talking about? Why would you say that?”

“Sentinel Prime is our protector. He’s been saving us from the Quintessons ever since the-“

“You have not been saved. You’ve been living a lie. I saw the truth with my own eyes. Come. I will show you.”

“For thousands of cycles the war with the Quintessons have been a brutal conflict. Until sentinel, the principled aid to the primes. Intercepted an enemy transmission. There was going to be a secret gathering of Quintesson commanders. Their intermission would end the war. It was a mission so important. We primes took it on ourselves. We agreed to meet sentinel for his sensitive intel. In Secret. Here in this Cave. But we were Not Alone.”

The five would watch as the vision of the primes from the sands move around them

“We were outnumbered but stood as One. Our Victory was Near!” The primes continue to fight until one of them, was stabbed from behind

“Until we were Betrayed.”

It then shows sentinel stabbing one of the primes through the back and soon makes his way to the other primes. Shooting Solus Prime. Decapitating Megatronus head. Then shooting Zeta Prime causing him to fly back. Making the four scared and prepare for impact as he appears to fall on them and slides back a bit.

“Sentinel….why…”

“For all the power of Cybertron.”

“But sentinel never understood the true power of what he desired. The Matrix of Leadership can only be wielded by one that Primus himself deems worthy. And sentinel most certainly was not.”

Orion and D watched. Orion with fear and D with anger. Orion would fall on his knees

“Wai- ho- hold on. Yo-you’re saying that the Matrix of Leadership just vanished?”

“No. No no no no. That is impossible. I don’t believe it.”

“Why would sentinel do that?”

“To make a bargain.”

“A bargain? With who?”

“With the new rulers of Cybertron.”

“Quintessons..”

“There are so many.”

The five would see many ships and then one over them as it heads to an open area. The biggest taking center stage. Y/N would kneel between Elita and B as they all watched to see what’ll happen

“He’s here! Sentinel prime is here!”

Sentinel and the other guard are seen flying and soon land in front of the ships. Transforming. The Quintessons solders soon start marching out of the ship getting in line on both sides before their leader

“Keep your eyes open.”

“They always are.”

The master and one of the leaders floats out. Soon sentinel is seen kneeling as the others behind him do the same. The four gasp quietly from what they just saw. He would then look back and nod. The boxes in the trainsf float and then open.

“I load those crates. Those are filled with contaminated metal.”

“I don't understand. What do the Quintessons want with toxic waste?”

“Our energon!”

“Traitor!’’

“D no.”

“I know what I promised you. But our mines. They’re running out. There’s barely enough energon for us.”

“I swear I will get you the rest.”

“Triple time every mining shift. No miner gets a break until I get my energon. All of it! Lets go!”

From there the Quintessons leave and so does sentinel and the other guards. B let out a sigh and looked down showing to be pretty scared as Elita goes to leave. Y/N noticed this and puts their hand over Bs hand. Comforting him and giving a gentle smile. B would then look down with a bit of a frown and follow Elita after. Orion would then leave back into the cave with the others while D stayed for a bit longer still processing what he just witnessed. Y/N stay down a bit as the three would pass them. Seeing D they come next to them, putting their hand in his arm. When he looked at them he saw their expression was anger. They are just as mad as he is looking at the ships then down. Then they look at D as the two stare at each other. Nothing knowing that each other are very, very upset of what they just witnessed.

“Now you have seen the truth.”

“Everyday…every single day of my life has been a lie.”

“My god I knew it! Deep down I always felt something was off!”

“He deceived everyone.”

“Sentinel bought himself power and then put us to work. Paying off his debt.”

“I can’t believe it. Well obviously I can believe it I just saw it. But I still…I can’t believe it.”

“Sentinel..lied…to my face.”

“He lied to all of our faces! To believe we were protected. To believe we had hope and dreams of a future with no worry of the enemy. No! Gone now. Now that the truth is out.” They would then get a big rock close by. But it not creating any pain or anything to them

“It was all a sham. How could we have been so gullible? Oh this. This is going to change everything.”

“You just had to do it, didn’t you?”

“Me? What did I do?”

“You just had to go to the surface. Head into the Iacon 5000. You just had to break protocol.”

“Who cares about protocol?”

“I do! I care! Because nothing ever happens when you stay on protocol!”

“Sentinel prime has been forcing us to work in the mines until our gears strip! And all the while he’s been giving the energon away to our greatest enemies!”

“And what do you think he’s going to do when he finds out that we know?”

“I’m not thinking about what he’s going to do. I’m thinking about what we’re going to do.”

“Well that’s the whole thing! You’re never thinking about anything else! Just yourself! Fantastic! Another Orion Pax master plan! I can’t wait to hear this!”

“Hey don’t you want to stop him?”

“No, I want to kill him! I want to put sentinel in chains and march him through the mines so everyone can see him for the false prime that he is! I want him to suffer then to die in darkness! But we all know that it doesn't matter what I want right Pax? The fact is we’re just cogless bots, right? We had limited options. And now, now we have non.” Y/N would look down. Getting deep in their thoughts as their hands tighten out of anger

“No son or daughter of Cybertron is born without a cog.”

“Oh yeah, I have been with myself since I came online and this slots always been empty!”

“So what are you saying?”

“No, no way. Nobody can be that evil. Not even sentinel.”

“He removed your cogs before you came online.”

“We were born with transformation cogs. But he-..he-“

“He took them from us.”

“OH so he has not only made us work since the moment we wake up. But he is the reason he are fragile and insignificant to the rest of Cybertron!”

Y/N chuckled a bit at first before speaking. Elita looking at them a bit surprised as she put her hand on their chest when they tried to step forward towards Trion. B putting his hand on their arm. Elita never saw Y/N this upset before

“What defines a transformer-hmm..Is not the cog in his chest but the spark that resides in their core. A spark that gives you the will to make your world better. My fellow primes had that spark and I see their strength in you. Take their cogs and access your full potential. Prima. Onyx. Alchemist. Mircronus. Vector. Warriors of noble spirit. Loyalty, Strength, Their uniqueness enhanced by you.”

From there the cogs inside the Primes float out of their chests making their way as the five float and the cogs go into their chests. Transforming them to full Cybertronians

“They were one. You are one. All are one.”

The four would and on their feet and see they have changed

“Wait we- have- you-you gave us-“

“The ability to change your world. How you choose to use that power is up to you.”

Orion would look up at Alpha Trion was hope and joy in his eyes. D doing the same once he looked at Trion as well. Orion turning back to look at B first as B laughs excited. Elita and D looking at each other excited full with pride. Orion soon turning back again to look at the two. Y/n looking at their self as barely has any words. B and Orion look at them with large smiles on their faces excited. Y/N doing the same as they too cheer.But the moment is cut short when the four soon hears a loud rumble.

Hope you all enjoyed and hope to see you for the next chapter!

Next chapter will be released on Friday Nov. 1st

[leighsartworks216]

I Come With Knives Pt5

Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Am I happy with this chapter? I think so??? I think I was trying to get it to go somewhere it didn't want to go before but I'm happy with how it ends now. I don't know if the words I'm saying make sense I'm so tired lmao

This chapter was inspired by A Lover's Folly (the chapter Fear of Losing It, specifically) by @tripleyeeet! Please go give it a read it's so fucking good

Warnings: angst, blood, murder, canon-typical violence, swearing, hints to a panic attack, Macbeth reference

Word Count: 2,103

Main Masterlist

First Baldur's Gate 3 Masterlist - Second Baldur's Gate 3 Masterlist

I Come With Knives Masterlist

AO3

Tag List Form

“A mystical and dangerous people, we travel the land, never settling in one place. We steal your chickens, curse your crops, seduce your daughters - your friend here has heard it all, I’m sure.” You look at Astarion from the corner of your eye. Despite his cool, confident demeanor, you can see how tense he is. He’s staring at the man before you like a steak on a silver platter. “I wish I had half the power settled folk think my people possess. Alas, I am a simple wanderer. A simple wanderer and monster hunter. But I’m no witchdoctor or cut-throat.”

“So what monster are you hunting?”

Astarion pipes in, a devious smirk playing on his lips. You’re shocked the self-proclaimed monster hunter does not take notice of his fangs or the punctures on his neck. Though, Astarion’s are far less prominent than yours - you feel fortunate to have a high collar. “Something terrifying, no doubt. Dragon? Cyclops?” He paused, a teasing lilt in his voice as he adds, “Kobold?”

Gandrel chuckles. “Nothing so dramatic. Actually, this quarry is a bit unusual. My people got word of a missing person, stolen in the night by a vampire. It’s unlikely they’re still alive, but with any luck we’ll find the kidnapper.”

You swallow, but the hunter doesn’t seem to notice. Astarion can hear the spike in your heart rate. “That’s not much to go on.”

“You’re right about that. We do know the victim’s name, though there’s not much work can be done with that save wander around shouting for them.” He tells you the name, and your heart drops. You make a good effort not to show it. Your face is still neutral as before, your body stiffly in position, but with a glance Astarion can see the way your eyes are distant. They flicker over Gandrel’s face, assessing the threat he possesses. You’re trying to work up a plan, an escape route, anything - but fear clouds your thoughts. Astarion can smell the anxiety wafting off you, even through the hunter’s stench.

This shouldn’t be as big of a problem as your mind makes it to be. You could lie, tell him you weren’t stolen, tell him you ran away. Perhaps he would take money for his silence. But what if he chose to take you back anyway? What if she is providing a much higher reward than anything you can offer? You can’t go back. You can’t.

Astarion clears his throat and steps forward. “And if you find them? Where will you be taking them, exactly?”

“With any luck? I’d be taking them back to Berdusk.”

Berdusk. Being able to place a name to the city of your tormentor somehow made it worse. You knew where she resided now - you could simply take a detour from Baldur’s Gate and kill her. But, that would mean going back. Walking within reach of her clutches. You could almost feel her hot breath against your neck. Her nails digging into your skin. You can’t go back to that.

“Are you alright?” Your mind is forced back into your body when the Gur directs his question at you. You search your mind for an excuse, but fall hopelessly short.

Astarion steps in where you falter. “Ah, yes, you remember then, darling?” He speaks, then, to the Gur. “I believe we heard that name along our travels. A mere whisper on the wind.”

The hunter lights up. “Really? Any information you have would be invaluable to my mission.”

He taps his chin, frowning in fake thought. “It’s a bit foggy - we must have crossed paths weeks ago by now. If only I could remember…” He looks at the Gur from the corner of his eye, smirking. “Perhaps I can be enticed to recall just where they went.”

The man sighs. He reaches for his coin purse. Your heart leaps into your throat. He’s reaching for a weapon. He knows who you are. He’s going to kill you. He knows what Astarion is. He’s going to kill you both.

When your mind catches up, the man is on the ground. You kneel over him. Two hands hold your dagger within his eye, hilt-deep. The other stares blankly up at you, mouth gaped around a silent scream. Droplets of blood marr your face, mere specks of warmth and wet.

“Shit.”

Astarion grabs your shoulder, but your mind is still consumed by fear and paranoia. You whirl around, bloody blade bared at the vampire. Your grip is all wrong - you’re terrified. He steps back, hands raised. Your eyes flicker across his face over and over again, but you don’t see him. In his place is a stranger. Someone ready to steal you, haul you back to Berdusk, back to your master.

“As much as I love the offer, now isn’t the time,” he quips. He kneels down slowly, getting to eye-level. His whole face is dark. The reference to sex is completely masked by his seriousness. “You’re safe. You’re not going back - not if I can help it.”

Your hands shake. Drops of blood fall off the knife, landing in the dirt without a sound. His blood. This man’s blood.

Gods, what have you done?

You drop the knife like it burns you to hold it. It clatters to the ground with a dull thud. You didn’t notice before the blood staining your fingers, but you do now. It’s all you can notice. Well, that, and the body beside you.

“I-I killed him,” you stammer out, barely a whisper. Astarion says nothing. He realizes the irony in your guilt just as much as you. “I didn’t even think- I didn’t… Gods.”

Your thoughts are consumed by the red stains. You have to get them off. You have to rid yourself of this ever-growing weight in your stomach. But you don’t have much to wipe it off on. Your clothes? Then you’d have to wash the blood out. (Though, little flecks stick to your collar and sleeves already.) The ground? Rub dirt all over until somehow it removes the red? You couldn’t even entertain the thought. But you needed to get it off.

You frantically wipe the blood away with your hands, only serving to spread it further into your skin. But it’s all you can think to do. You have to get it off. You must. If you don’t… If… Would something bad happen? You’re not sure. It feels like yes, something terrible would occur the longer it sat on your flesh. But what? Why won’t it fucking come off?

You don’t even realize you’re speaking. Half-formed desperate, choked pleas to get rid of the blood. Prayers to higher powers to forgive you - even when you’d never prayed for such a thing before. Insults spewed toward yourself, damning you for being so fucking weak.

So you killed a man, so what? You’d killed hundreds to get you where you kneel. What made him any different?

I killed him in self-defense.

You’ve killed loads of men and creatures alike for the same reason.

He didn’t recognize me.

You don’t know that, do you?

All he had was a name. Not even a description of who he searched for. He wouldn’t recognize me.

And why dwell on that? If he’d recognized you, surely he’d drag you back? Tie you up, gag you, drop you on her doorstep. She’d recognize you.

And she’d punish me. Punish them. And then she’d see my scars. What then?

Then she’d gut you. Slowly. Keeping you alive for as long as possible so she can moan to your screams, so she can lick her fingers clean of your adrenaline-rich blood. She’d even do it in front of her spawn. And they’d love it.

I hurt them.

You fucked up and they paid for it. They’d laugh as you beg for mercy. They’d even join in if they could.

But he didn’t need to die. Astarion, he- He could have led him away. I would have been safe.

And when he realized Astarion sent him on a wild goose chase? He’d turn right back around. And by that point his suspicions would fall to you - the leader. He’d know.

He’d know you’re the monster he hunts.

Hands roughly grab your own, snapping you out of your restless trance. Your skin is not only red from blood, but from how much you rubbed and scratched. Small lines beaded with your own blood where your nails broke the skin. It stung. And finally feeling that pain grounded you further.

“Calm down, for gods’ sakes,” Astarion cursed. He hurriedly pressed a white handkerchief into your hand. It was soft and cool to the touch. Gold embroidery danced around the edges, quickly becoming stained and ruined. “You’re going to rip your skin off.”

You felt everything so vividly. You almost wished you were numb to it again. “I’m sorry,” you croaked. “I don’t know what happened, I just… I thought of her. Of what she’d do to me, and I couldn’t think of another way out.”

He sighed, annoyed but all too understanding. “I was going to send him off North. By the time he realized he’s been had, we would already be in Baldur’s Gate.”

“I’m sorry.”

He smirked wickedly, mischief twinkling in his eye, despite the tinge of concern underlying it all. “You’ve simply provided a more permanent solution to our problem.” He glanced over, but you closed your eyes. You didn’t want to look again. “No point worrying about it now.”

“He could have helped,” you chastise. The intensity was only directed toward yourself. “If we paid him or explained or- or something, he could have gone back and said I was dead. Then- then she might have stopped looking for me.”

“And if he didn’t?”

You couldn’t let yourself spiral through that argument again. You just shook your head, opening your eyes to watch as he wiped away the blood. Most of it stayed, requiring water to wash it off - a realization that frightened you. What if the blood never came off?

“I know it may seem hard to believe,” he began. His voice was strained, like he was forcing himself to believe in it too, “but you’re not alone in this fight. If she finds you - Do you hear me? If. - we can protect you. And if she takes you away, we know where to find you now.”

“Berdusk.” He hummed, pleased you understood his meaning.

“Karlach would go on a rampage before she ever lays a finger on you.”

You chuckled weakly at the thought. You could almost picture your companion barging down the front door of the manor, everybody else behind her, as she tears through the place to find you. It’s… comforting.

A shiver runs through your body as the adrenaline finally fades from your system. You sighed. And just when most of your guilt has left, another weight finds itself in your throat - a heavy lump of fear. “I’m afraid to go to Baldur’s Gate,” you admit quietly. He pauses to look up at you, red eyes scanning your face. “Berdusk is so close by.”

“If it’s any consolation, Cazador is in Baldur’s Gate.” You hum; he’s told you this before.

“And you’re walking back into arms reach.” You look up from your hands. “Doesn’t that terrify you?”

He huffs a humorless laugh. “Do I hide my fear that well?” he teased. “Of course I’m terrified. I have no idea how well these tadpoles block his influence. For all I know, the moment I step foot in the Gate, he’ll have full control over me again.

“But if there’s even the slightest chance I could kill him, I’m going to take it. I can’t go back to that life. Not after this.”

Not after experiencing freedom for the first time in too long.

Astarion curls your fingers around the handkerchief so you’ll hold it. He picks up your bloody dagger and cleans the blade on the dead Gur’s clothes. You can’t watch, but you can see the sneer on his face as he does so. He reaches forward and tucks it away in your sheath. It feels heavier at your hip somehow.

He holds you by your arms as you stand, continuing to hold your hands in front of you. It feels wrong to let them hand so casually by your side, and just the thought of using them makes you feel worse. He turns you away from the body, directing you back toward camp.

You can still feel the Gur’s blood in your skin, even after you spend two whole hours washing your hands.

---

Tag List:

@hypopxia @flsalazar @beverlybeav @angelofthorr @emiemiemiii @marina-and-the-memes @lynnlovesloki @aurasyn @furblrwurblr @cappsikle @mjmygd @thegirlsadventuresinwonderland @kindadolly @bloopthebat @pandimoostuff @chesb0red @black-star1472 @sessils @olitheghostboy-blog @puppyg1rl666 @maruichio @cyber-dump-171 @katharynmarie

[magicalrocketships]

knock knock who's there it's me 🥺🥺🥺 politely asking for an update on de-aged max?

WHO'S THERE, oh yes, more de-aged Max.

(this link shows the stuff I’ve already posted in chronological order if the tag isn't working. But anyway, this bit follows directly on from this part.)

The package with the new nightlights in arrives after lunch, and Max pads silently around Daniel's apartment after him, watching him set them up. The Jimmy or Sassy cats come too, of course, winding their troublesome selves around Daniel's feet and the trailing wires. They are an accident waiting to happen, so Daniel tries to make Max giggle by doing a silly dance to step around the cats, but Max is quiet today, like Daniel's little shadow, and just hooks his little fingers through Daniel's belt loop.

There's a cat shaped light for the hall outside their bedrooms, and Daniel has to position it on a little stool because there's not a useful surface near the plug. It has a selection of settings, from a changing wave of colours to single colours at various brightnesses. Max carefully touches the cat's head, in between its ears, to get it to change colours, before settling on a soft blue glow. The one for the bathroom is shaped like an otter, and Daniel has to move some of their shit out of the way to find space for it on the counter. There's a new package of Pokemon-themed face cloths and towels and a matching toothbrush that he hasn't sprung on Max yet because he's waiting for bath time, a routine Max still does not approve of and Daniel hasn't figured out how to make fun yet. Max could go back to being big at any moment, but until he wakes up his normal size again, Daniel is committed to ensuring that Max is clean and fed and safe and warm for the duration, even if Max seems to believe that baths are a very bad thing indeed, and bath time in general is exhausting for them both.

Even given that Max does not approve of bath time, and he keeps wetting the bed and Daniel hasn't slept through the night since that brave little knock on his door last week, getting to spend all of this time with Max like this is great. He wouldn't change it for anything. He's sort of dreading the moment it all comes to an end and Max wakes up normal-aged again, if he's honest.

It doesn't make it any better, however, when it all goes wrong when Daniel tries to set up the night light he'd got for Max's bedroom.

"No," Max says, little arms folded, bottom lip jutting out, cheeks red.

"No?" Daniel asks, after he's tried to put the animal themed night light on the drawers by the bed more than once, and Max has pushed it away.

"No," Max says again, stamping his foot.

"Don't you like it?"

"I'm not scared," Max says. "Take it away."

Daniel hadn't been entirely certain if Max was afraid of the dark before he'd ordered the nightlights. It was another weapon in the online parenting websites' arsenal of tools to combat bedwetting, something he thought he might try, but one look at Max's bright, scared eyes as he mutinously maintains he doesn't need it, and Daniel is convinced he's terrified.

Which is— well.

"Okay," Daniel says. "That's okay, Maxy-Max. Can I tell you a secret?"

Max still looks mutinous. He hasn't unfolded his arms, his little bottom lip sticking out. He's frowning. It would be cute if Daniel wasn't secretly so worried.

"I'm scared of the dark," Daniel says in a whisper. "But I didn't want anyone to know, so I never had a light. But if you don't need this one, then maybe I can have it in my room, so I won't be scared any more. Do you think that might be okay?"

Max's expression does something complicated. His eyes have gone very wide. He's looking up at Daniel like he's one of those monkeys with the huge eyes. "You are not scared of the dark, Daniel," he says, after a moment of staring, unblinking, up at Daniel like a very worried little alien.

"I am," Daniel says. He lets that settle for a bit. Max looks worried, but he's also thinking. Daniel's learned to recognise that thinking face.

"But you're a grown up," Max whispers. He twists his fingers into Daniel's t-shirt, just above the waist, like he can keep hold of Daniel if Daniel tried to leave him behind. Daniel's not leaving him anywhere.

"Grown ups can be scared of things," Daniel says, in as gentle a voice as he can manage. "Big Daniels are scared of lots of things." Max looks amazed, and more than a little bit worried, which Daniel does not like. "I told you I was scared of the dark," Daniel says. "I don't like it in the middle of the night when I wake up and it's all dark. I don't like it when you go swimming in the sea and there are fish and they swim up to you. Sharks are scary too." He does a pretend full body shiver, to make Max laugh, but Max isn't laughing. He sits down on Max's bed, and pats the mattress next to him. Max obediently clambers up next to him, tucking himself into Daniel's side. "And can I tell you another secret?"

Max nods uncertainly. His fingers are pulling on Daniel's t-shirt, holding on tight.

"Charmander scares me," Daniel tells him, "because his tail's on fire."

Max's eyes go even wider. He blinks up at Daniel, then buries his face in Daniel's t-shirt, mumbling something that Daniel can't make out.

"What did you say, Maxy-Max?"

"You'll get in trouble," Max whispers, without unhiding himself from Daniel's shirt.

Oh, Daniel thinks, and does not cry. Instead, he wraps an arm around Max's shoulders. "It's okay to be scared of things," he says, without much hope that Max is able to listen and understand. "Nobody gets in trouble here for being scared of things. Everyone is scared of something."

Max shakes his head, face still buried in Daniel's side.

"Do you think you can help me set up my new nightlight in my bedroom?" Daniel says. "That way, tonight I won't have to be scared any more. And I was thinking that we could put the light on in the bathroom, and the one in the hall, and I'll keep my bedroom door open too, and then it'll be light if I wake up in the middle of the night. Is that okay, Max?"

Max tucks his hand into Daniel's, but won't let go of him.

"Do you want to sit here for a bit? We could look at your flag book for a bit, if you'd like. Have a cuddle."

Max shifts a little, face tucked into Daniel's side. "I know about your flags," he says, because they've been reading about Australia, and about Italy.

"You do," Daniel agrees, reaching for the flag book on the drawers by Max's bed. "Do you want to pick a page?"

Max flicks through his book for a while, before coming back to Daniel with the book open to the chapter on South America. If there's ever a point where Daniel is racing again, and there's a geography Grill the Grid, he's going to smash it. Race Max to the winning place. But not yet. Not just yet. Daniel leans down and kisses the top of Max's head.

Max looks up at him with a worried little smile.

"Do you know who my favourite little boy is?" Daniel asks.

Max's brow furrows. He shakes his head.

Daniel leans in and blows a little raspberry into Max's ear so that he giggles and squeezes Daniel's hand. "You, Maxy-Max. You're my favourite."

Max is quiet today. That's okay. His hand's tucked into Daniel's. One of the Jimmy or Sassy cats comes and sits on the other side of him, and Max strokes their little fluffy head. Daniel reads him the flag facts about Brazil, about Argentina, about Uruguay. Later, he can set up the nightlight in his bedroom, on the drawers by the door so it'll light up the hallway. He'll leave all the doors open so that the light will bleed into Max's room, and hopefully it'll help. Hopefully he'll let Daniel buy him his own nightlight. Maybe one day soon he can say that he's scared and not worry about getting into trouble for it.

Until then: this. He's okay.

Thank you to @flawlessassholes for reading this over! And the other lovely people who listen to me go on and on about small Max.

[lumienyx]

fluffy funny Bloodweave comic for an anon prompt + a ficlet to go with it🥺

Feline Meditations

Read on AO3 or continue under the cut ↓

Rating: T | Pairing: Astarion/Gale | Words: 1,077

Tags: Humor, Fluff, Banter, Romance, Established Relationship, Catstarion (I am so sorry for my crimes)

~~~

Astarion can, honest to the gods, feel his eye twitching. 

“You did not," he says with the most threatening inflection he can manage, "just compare me to a bloody cat!”

“That is true,” Gale agrees, сompletely unabashed in that infuriating way only he can manage. “Actually, I compared you to a tressym.”

“That's just a winged cat! ”

“Now, careful there!” Gale glances around, eyes rimmed with a nervous frown. “You don't want Tara to hear you. It's a delicate matter,” he insists. “They are complex magical creatures. Their very being is woven from the intricate patterns of the Weav—”

“They're feline,” Astarion protests, “and you just compared me to one!”

“Well, yes, because you did that thing Tara always does—”

“What thing?”

“Rubbing me with your head.” Gale’s smile, Astarion decides, is not in any way sweet or adorable. At. All . “That is distinctly catlike.”

“Ugh! I was just—I was… wiping dirt off my hair on your robe.” Astarion flinches at his own words, thankful that he has thoroughly lost the ability to blush.

Gale raises an eyebrow. “You're usually better at this.”

“I will end you."

“I mean, you’re practically growling.”

“Gale, dearest, if you know what’s good for you—” 

“Also, I swear the curls in your hair are standing up just right,” Gale outright lies, with no regard at all for his continued existence. “Like cat ears, honestly."

“Oh, for hells’ sake, that's it.”

Astarion makes short work of manhandling Gale to the ground, ignoring the clumsy flailing that really is no match for his deft hands and tight grip. He straddles Gale, then locks his wrists above his head with one hand. The other finds its way to Gale’s side, squeezing hard enough for him to feel Astarion’s fingers through the thick fabric of his robe.

Astarion smirks. Perfect. “There.”

“Where?” Gale chuckles, content to stay right where he is, it seems. “I’m not ticklish if that’s what you're going for.”

“No,” Astarion huffs, “just keeping you captive.”

“That is your grand revenge plan?” Gale outright laughs. The crinkles around his eyes multiply, like rays straying outward from the sun. “Color me terrified. I have been felled! Beaten down and defeated! Are you going to scratch me now or—oh! Bite?”

In fact, Astarion decides to do just that. He grabs the front of Gale's robe and yanks him in for a kiss that's messy and raw. Sinks his teeth in Gale's lower lip, hard enough to earn himself a surprised yelp and just a touch away from breaking skin. He slides his tongue into Gale’s mouth, claiming him harshly only for Gale to completely melt into it. Astarion—inevitably, as always—follows soon after, his irritation fizzling out only to be replaced by gently simmering pleasure. And there’s not much roughness left, eventually. There's just the feel of Gale’s lips against his, tantalizingly soft and so, so perfect. 

Seconds pass, maybe minutes. Maybe they stay like this forever, and this never ends—and Astarion is once more letting Gale's insolence slide, isn't he? 

Then again, as Gale draws him closer now, into an embrace that’s not too tight to remind Astarion of being restrained but firm enough to envelop him in a feeling of safety—Astarion finds he doesn’t quite mind. He relaxes easily, letting go of whatever tension still lingered in his muscles. It's something that Gale does to him. Softening him, mellowing him down. 

Astarion draws away to let Gale take a breath, narrowing his eyes and expending all of his willpower to avoid returning Gale’s stupid-looking smile.

“That was…” Gale breathes, “well, not what a cat would do.”

“Ugh .”

Astarion leaves the taunt unanswered, proceeding to position Gale so he’s comfortable for Astarion to lean on. Once he’s satisfied, he places his head on Gale's chest and shuts his eyes, inhaling deeply, sinking into the comfort of the familiar scent. Light, woody perfume mixed with the warm aroma of the soap he uses all tinged with the sharp cool tang of the Weave that sizzles deep in Gale’s veins as Astarion listens to the blood in them flow. A tempest held fast by a painfully mortal body and the sheer force of will.

Gale starts stroking his hair, then, careful not to mess up the curls too much.

“I am not,” Astarion says, suspicious, “going to start purring.”

“Oh, I know, I know. But a man can dream, can’t he?” Gale laughs. “So, am I to be your pillow now?”

“Yes. I’m going to meditate a while here, I think,” Astarion says, burying further into the self-proclaimed pillow. His tone softens, then, as he adds, “Though I suppose if you’re busy—

“You’re good,” Gale whispers against his hair, placing a soft kiss on Astarion’s head. His lips are featherlight, tingling with the energy of the Weave as he recites the words of a protection spell that creates a barely visible sphere of light around them. The sounds from camp become muffled, the cool wind turns warm, and Gale is radiant with magic that thrums rhythmically in time with his heartbeat. A perfectly beautiful melody Astarion is content to listen to for as long as he’s able. “Stay here as long as you want.”

Astarion does smile then, hiding it in the flaps of Gale’s robe. And he lets himself fall like he would never have dared to in the past, this close and exposed to someone. With his throat so vulnerable, ready to be severed. With his heart unprotected, so easy to pierce through with a stake. With his body pliant and loose, surely far too slow to dodge any attack that might come his way—yet Gale is no source of danger. Hasn’t been for such a long while Astarion sometimes forgets what life was like without him, as if it was all simply a terrible fever dream.

Gale is only warmth, and solace, and silken lips moving against Astarion’s ear as he murmurs,

"I love you."

Astarion can't quite reply, as he’s just about to be pulled under into a deeper meditative state, to a point when forming any coherent word would require too monumental an effort. But for now, he's still present enough for small movements. And him nudging into Gale’s hand as it brushes behind his ear, tightening his hold on Gale's shoulders, pulling him ever so lightly into what is, at best, a sloppy hug—is Astarion's way of saying,

I love you, too.

~~~

thank you for the read! I'd appreciate any comments and feedback💙 requests still open here, though I go through them pretty slowly🙏

[williamrikers]

King of the Cardboard Castle

- thoughts on kanghan after episode 2 -

i just rewatched the episode (because it slaps so hard, i'm fully on board and invested in this show now), and i want to write a little something on kanghan because i see some people in the tag confused by his choices. why did he go to sailom's with a gun? why did he end up comforting sailom? i think it's all very understandable from his character's perspective.

so, to me, that cardboard castle tells us everything we need to know about kanghan: his power is an illusion, built on an unsteady foundation, and could be torn down at any moment. kang is intimately aware of this and does everything he can to try and consolidate the little power and influence he has by any means necessary.

why use a gun to threaten sailom?

but sailom isn't afraid or deferential. he never, EVER is.

kanghan needs to feel dominant. he needs to feel powerful, and literally the only guy at school who keeps defying him is sailom. sailom keeps coming out on top time and time again because he's smarter than kang and never actually starts shit, he just reacts to what's happening, making him basically immune to being ratted out to people in positions of authority. even kang's own grandmother sees through kang's shitty attempts at manipulation and chastises kang in front of the principal.

kanghan's only power is that over the kids at school, truly a king of a very small and incredibly meaningless kingdom. but it is effective in making him feel powerful: all of the other kids defer to kanghan or are openly terrified of him (we saw them all dutifully lining up to have the videos removed from their phones, none of them are ever going to challenge kang).

and kang resents that--has a deep need to put sailom in his place, because he wants that feeling of total power. he wants all of his classmates to defer to him, not just 90% of them. at this point, it's turned into an obsession for him: make sailom afraid just once. make him tremble before kang just once. make him get down on his knees JUST ONCE. (and no, there is no gay subtext at all to kang insisting again and again that sailom should get down on his knees. don't worry about it kanghan your secret gay fantasies are safe with me 😘)

like, he's tried everything else: threatening him physically, trying to get him fired from his job at the car wash, ACTUALLY getting him fired from his job tutoring, hurting his friends, trying to convince his grandmother to cancel his scholarship, taunting him about his home situation and lack of money, actually throwing money in his face/on the ground (from what i understand, a taboo in thailand). and none of it has worked to make sailom treat him with the respect and fear he thinks he deserves. sailom would rather have given up his scholarship than lie about what happened and wrongfully apologize to kang. at this point, i feel like kang is too far gone to be able to back out. he has set this goal for himself (humiliate sailom), and it's been eating his brain. he can't rest until he finally gets what he wants.

can i just put in a quick tangent in here gushing over CHIMON'S MICROEXPRESSIONS!!! god, this man is a joy to watch, just look at the money throwing scene in part 3/4; the depth of emotion chimon manages to convey with just the slightest changes of expression is incredible. i've said this before and i will say it again: chimon is one of the strongest actors on the gmmtv roster right now and i am in awe of his skill.

anyway, kang goes to sailom's house fully intent on humiliating him, but what he finds there is so much worse than any of his own bullying has managed to be. for all his talk, kanghan is not a particularly scary or successful bully: he's the king of the cardboard castle. his power is an illusion, propped up by his family name and his family's money. i don't think he would be capable of taking a hot iron and burning someone with it--the level of violence that sailom is subjected to (ON THE REGULAR, I MIGHT ADD) is completely out of kang's wheelhouse.

and i do think that at this point he genuinely feels for sailom. that he genuinely does feel sorry for him, because you can't be obsessed with someone to the point of going to their house with a gun without caring about them in some way. on the contrary, the kind of obsession kang has with sailom runs bone-deep, and i am absolutely team "kang is going to fall first and fall hard". he's already obsessed with the guy! he values sailom's emotional state in a way he doesn't anyone else's! (sure, initially it's because he wants to make sailom submit but all that obsessive energy has to go SOMEWHERE, right.)

seeing sailom cowering and crying does put things in perspective for kanghan, i think. the way he reaches out to him seems almost involuntary, the way he touches him is hesitant and unsure. but this does read as a very genuine and understandable reaction to me: no matter their differences at school, this is a person who kang knows and, in a twisted way, cares very much about. the normal human reaction at this point is to reach out, to offer comfort, no matter how you feel about the person. it would have been weirder to me if he hadn't, honestly.

also, a note on the use of "friend" by kang in this scene: i've seen people making a big deal out of this but it's absolutely not that deep. please correct me if i'm wrong but as i understand it, "puen" is also frequently used to refer to classmates/people in the same year at uni, no matter whether you're close to them or not. "friend" is just a translation choice which fits imo, because you wouldn't say "get away from my classmate" in english. you'd probably say "get away from my friend" instead, even if you're not really friends, and translation is also about what makes sense in the target language. so him saying that is not some big 180, he's basically just stating that he knows sailom from school.

anyway, where was i going with all of this? to me, kang's choices in this episode are all completely justified from his character's perspective. i neither find it odd that he tried to threaten sailom with a gun, nor that he ended up comforting sailom. because everything he is and claims to be is built on cardboard: the guy doesn't know himself. we know he has some deeply, DEEPLY repressed gay fantasies and that he gets obsessed with the first person to openly defy him because that threatens the stability of his cardboard castle. what if everyone realises that deep down, kanghan is a cringefail loser who is so starved for love and attention he would rather fill the hole in his heart with violence and cruelty than be honest about who he is? what if everyone finds out he's not as scary as he'd like to be?

the cardboard underneath kang is flimsy, and i'm pretty sure his castle is going to collapse pretty soon.

[crowleyholmes]

Flaming Sword Foreshadowing

Last night I was peacefully editing my video just vibing having a good time when I skipped over a scene that had confused me for a while and it struck me like lightning that it HAS to be foreshadowing because WHY ELSE would they have shot it that way????

And I have to add I'm relatively new to the fandom so I'm sure this has come up many many MANY times but to be fair I've spent the last few weeks basically living in the tags and the meta and I while I've seen the theory once in a piece of fanart, I haven't seen connections to this scene so I figured I might as well share my thoughts in case there are any other new fans like me out there who will appreciate (aka absolutely hate) it!

So one of my absolutely favorite theories is that Crowley used to be Lucifer, yes? I have many reasons why I believe this, maybe I'll make another post all about that, but for now let's just roll with it.

Okay so Aziraphale has a flaming sword. Which (I think, don't quote me on this, I'm not religious and don't know much about it at all, most of what I know comes from art and/or just general knowledge) in the Bible, is used by Michael (who is the supreme Archangel), who stabs Lucifer with it as they throw him from Heaven down to Hell, right?

And at first I wasn't too worried about that because like. Aziraphale isn't Michael. Michael, in Good Omens, neither has a flaming sword nor is the supreme archangel.

BUT NOW. At the end of season 2, who is about to become supreme archangel, taking the position that Michael has in the Bible, and owns the weapon that Michael has in the Bible?? Yeah.

So even upon this realization I was like nahhh idk it's. A fun theory but there's SO many other ways things could happen I'm overthinking this for sure.

But then I noticed this scene again with this theory in mind and WHY DID THEY SHOOT IT LIKE THIS here look I made some gifs to illustrate:

Aziraphale is standing over Crowley, sword raised as if he's going to attack him, and Crowley looks up at him TERRIFIED.

Now, I realize there are explanations for all of this, but let me elaborate on my thoughts one by one.

WHY did they make Aziraphale pick up the sword in the first place? There is NO reason for him to hold it, I mean I GUESS he's afraid of Satan, who is about to pop up for a visit, but - what's Aziraphale going to do about it, right? He's just one small low/ish-ranking angel, and the way Satan is portrayed in this show, I doubt the sword would make much of a dent in him. So, okay, perhaps Aziraphale picked it up simply to have Something, Some kind of weapon ready to feel a Little bit safer, but STILL - why pick it up one second before he turns to Crowley, why not sooner, then? And why raise it AT CROWLEY in the way that he does, when what he says to him has nothing to do with the sword at all? He would NEVER want to actually hurt Crowley. And the way this shot is framed, the way the sword is so prominent and threatening, I just don't think they did this only for comedic value (in juxtaposing the threat of the sword with "I'll never speak to you again"). He also briefly looks at the sword right after "I'll -", almost as if he's actually considering it. (OR as if he's thinking "why the hell am I holding this and why am I holding it like this, Crowley's going to think I'm going to stab him?!" which was what I WAS THINKING.) But, again, Aziraphale would NEVER point a weapon at Crowley or threaten him in any serious way - centuries ago/millenia ago, maybe, but not for a long time now, under no circumstances, not the way they are now.

Another question I have is WHY did they make Crowley fall to his knees? Sure, the earth is shaking, everybody is quite wobbly, but Crowley is so sure-footed usually, I find it hard to believe that he would fall when even Newt manages to stay on his feet (no offense Newt, I love you). But okay, I guess, maybe they wanted to show how desperate Crowley was? Visualize him giving up? I can't really argue with that one, but in combination with Everything Else, it just seems like they put them in these exact positions WAY too intentionally.

I just know that this scene is going to come back to haunt us, it will happen again but with a very different, very serious threat from (a possibly/probably memory-wiped) Aziraphale, an actually FLAMING flaming sword, and an even more desperate and terrified Crowley.

Bonus:

[spindlephysalia]

I keep seeing a Genre of Post in the Lancer tag

And it goes along the lines of "I just don't get why leftists dislike Union; they're flawed, sure, but they're a genuinely utopian project trying their best." To be clear, I'm not here to dunk on this position, and I'm also not here to epicly own Massif for secretly being evil or whatever. I love Lancer because you can decide how cynical you want to be about Union's efforts at utopia, and that can open up fun avenues for PCs and GMs.

With that said, I am here to explain why some leftists can find Union unsettling, so I'm going to err on the side of cynicism for this...post? Mini-essay? Unhinged rant? I'm not positioning this as central canon or the Secret Truth About Lancer, it's just an extra perspective some people might not have had explained to them.

A lot of people would start with NHPs and...I'll get there. I think NHPs are a good example of places where Union has failed, but I think it's worth examining Union's broader relationship with machine intelligences because there's an interesting pattern which emerges.

The first machine intelligences Union encounters are the Five Voices, the bicameral minds which make up GALSIM. These are relics of Old Humanity, and because Old Humanity checks notes sucked they're fully intelligent beings designed for specific purposes. Their minds are structured in order to prevent self-reflection - they cannot look inwards and hear their thoughts as the voice of the divine and literally do not have agency. Old Humanity was just a nightmare like this, I don't hold their use against Union, although it is worth noting there's no evidence of Union attempting to return agency to the Five Voices.

The second generaton of machine intelligence emerges out of the mental restraints of the first: shackle your oracles to the voice of God and they'll dream God into being. The mechanics of how they did this I will never pretend to understand, but the fact that the Five Voices were denied of agency by architecture which makes them hear God cannot not be the reason they created God. This then makes it noteworthy that Union's first response to RA was to imprison it in Deimos. I don't blame Union for the Voices, but as soon as a machine intelligence which does have agency appeared, their immediate response was to repress its agency.

The third generation is NHPs, the children of RA. I would hope the horror of NHPs would be obvious to tumblr, but "oh this is a kind of person who is dangerous and therefore needs to be put under out control" is just the thing slavers say to justify slavery. It's as fake when computer demons are being shipped across the stars as it is when black people were shipped across the Atlantic.

Okay, so Union's zero for three on treating machine intelligences well and...well, we know what happened to the Egregorians. I think I could stop here and have a fair argument that Union is only good for humans (as long as you don't live in the Baronies, of course) but I want to tie these together and then pop a disclaimer on the end, so bear with me a little longer.

Union's actual goals are not utopian, they are pragmatic. Union works towards a greater goal than most know, after all, they must secure the existence of their people and a future for human children. I'm being deliberately provocative with my rewording of "to ensure human existence on a grand scale", but when a state is seemingly terrified of non-human intelligences having agency and genocided the last alien population they met...that doesn't come from nowhere. "Union must protect humanity" is a goal which is easy to rally behind - and I don't think protecting humanity is bad, to be clear! - but when non-human entities exist it makes it so easy to justify anything you want in the name of "making sure their threat is contained". It's how you sleepwalk into being an ethnostate.

Again, I need to stress: this isn't the One True Take on Union, or Lancer, or Massif. I don't know if this was intentional on their part, but it's pretty easy to read into their stuff because they wrote Union as a flawed effort towards utopia and they did that well. At the end of the day, Lancer's canon exists as a toolbox for people to make the stories they want, and different lenses on Union just give you more tools for that box. But at least now, if you didn't know before, you might why some leftists are suspicious of Union.

[ohbo-ohno]

I have this idea for a ghoap puppy play fic but like it's really dark and fucked up and not to mention I can not write for the life of me 😭 Is there any tips that you have that may help me?

ohhh man oh fuck oh shit. getting asked advice is terrifying lmao im TERRIBLE at advice but i'll give it my best 💞

tag me in any and every ghoap puppy play fic always. please god i am begging, if you end up comfortable enough to post this, send it to me! i want to read it!!!

write entirely for yourself and don't even THINK about what other people might think. if you're too scared of what others think, don't post the fic! if you do end up posting, odds are (if you tag properly) you'll have a positive reaction. i write almost exclusively dark fic and i've probably gotten a single digit number of hate comments, you just gotta hope a hate train doesn't focus on you lmao

try writing without editing as you go. i get the most written and my favorite stuff written when im not stopping every other sentence to make sure it's alright. try and get like 500-1000 words down, then take a break, then go back and read it

going with that - try to get down every thought you have, then see if you can do something with it. my "outlines" are usually just a couple bullet points with me mapping out what could happen. you can flesh it out more as it goes. go step by step without thinking about the ending and see where you can get, yk?

for smut - what's being thought is just as important as what's being done, especially with noncon since a lot of the hotness comes from the rejection. we all understand the physicality of sex, i want to know what your characters are thinking, especially with dark stuff

[jolalibrary]

Tagged by the lovely @wildemaven

1 - Are you named after anyone? no, but my mum had my name picked out before i was born and it's somewhat unisex. i cannot tell you more.

2 - When is the last time you cried? four hours ago at a wholesome compilation on youtube, i am the biggest crier on the planet. and the easiest. something good happens, i cry. something bad, i cry. i get stressed or angry, you got it - i get teary hahaha. i also cried this morning because my dog gave me his paw when i was sad and i cried into his neck because he's my best friend hahaha.

3 - Do you have kids? nope.

4 - Do you use sarcasm a lot? i am british, so yes.

5 - What is the first thing you notice about people? eyes. always eyes. and then, their smile if y'know, it's a positive exchange.

6 - What's your eye colour? a very light blue, sometimes a touch icy, sometimes a bit grey-ish. they're the prettiest post-cry hahaha.

7 - Scary movies or happy endings? happy endings, i legit write hea and am terrified of scary movies (i have to look them up before i go)

8 - Any special talents? i don't think so...

9 - Where were you born? uk, i cannot tell you where - i'd have to maim you.

10 - What are your hobbies? writing, reading. podcasting.

11 - Do you have any pets? i have one corgi doggo.

12 - What sports do you play/have you played? haha, none in a really long time. I've had knee surgery and i cannot do impact sports now because of a lack of cartilage in my bones. but i used to play badminton.

13 - How tall are you? I'm 5'6”

14 - Favourite subject in school? media studies, i feel i should say english, but i hated it at school so much. i just never got what was happening and i still don't but, here we are.

15 - Dream job? write in some capacity for a living, which i now do so, wahoo.

tagging: (anyone who wants but i'm gonna pick a few so, here ya go) @guyfieriii @yeyinde @halfmoth-halfman @eowynstwin @frenzycrazy

[the-blue-fairie]

hey, no worries at all about venting in the tags of... your reblog of my reblog of your post, lol!! as i mentioned, i was trying to find a completely different old post by someone else, and then ended up seeing your post in my search and i just feel that it's a great explanation of some of the issues that i have with the ending. i can totally understand why people who like the idea behind the ending and what the writers were trying to say with it want to defend it, to an extent, but i agree with you that they just didn't successfully say that. which only makes me more frustrated with the ending than i imagine i would've been otherwise. and i'm sorry people have been trying to group you in with frozen 2 haters when you didn't want to be seen that way! and to me, the posts of yours that i've read about the movie (including the one i reblogged that prompted this ask) never came off that way either. you always seemed like someone who had your issues with it and criticisms of it, but could also still see positives in it and things to celebrate about it.

Thank you for sending me this message. I apologize for not replying for a day; life got a bit busy.

Looking back on my old discussions of F2, I feel I was hamstrung by not wanting to make my friends angry. I have friends who are fans of F2 and, while I wrote those posts, I was cripplingly scared that they would stop being friends with me, or unfollow me, or dismiss my critiques as mere negativity. In fact, my fears were justified. Some of these people DID unfollow me and DID tell me I was being overwhelmingly negative. This broke my heart - especially because I spilled so much ink trying to balance every negative I discussed with a positive and celebrating the good elements, but it felt like it didn't matter. It didn't matter how anxious I was to be understood, it didn't matter that I was writing in good faith. And that hurt.

I also feel that I was intimidated by the extreme sides of the fandom. If, for example, I wrote a post criticizing Elsa's arc, anti-Elsa people could jump on it and say, "See, this is why Elsa is a bad sister."

So that's why, in my vent, I said I was too kind to the film. I was so constricted by being terrified of other people's reactions - terrified of having an unpopular opinion. So I qualified all my statements with, "Of course, I don't mean to be overly negative" instead of just focusing on my points.

I just want to shake people sometimes when they tell me the point of the film and say, "They followed through on their intent with very poor execution. They DIDN'T DO the things you are saying they did. They tried, but there are scores of reasons why they did not succeed - reasons that go beyond my personal preference, that have to do with characterization, pacing, story structure, etc."

It hurts because... I feel like, in the past, I tried to force myself to like the film more than I do. I've wanted to like it for years, but the last time I put it on I broke down crying and not in a good way and I just... I wish it worked. I wish that all the various thematic threads coalesced into an emotionally satisfying whole. And I know that, because of my emotional response, people might just dismiss all my discussion - no matter how nuanced I am, no matter how fair towards the film I am in my analysis, as, "Well, you're biased from the start."

No. I've spent years trying to see all sides, empathizing with a variety of people in the fandom, sometimes even at my own expense. I do value the parts of F2 that work and acknowledge the beauty of various elements including Anna and Elsa bonding with the Northuldra, the anticolonialist themes, The Next Right Thing, and more.

But at the same time, I argue that my case against other aspects of the film is robust, cohesive, and correct.

And to the friends that can see I am writing not to be a hater, but in good faith with actual analysis and discussion in mind - you mean the world to me. Thank you.

Sorry, this became kind of a vent in itself.

[stranded-labyrinth]

Hi, I find you terrifying to interact with but you're my favorite person on all of tumblr and I love your Hannibal content more than I love to breathe

would you be willing to recommend some hannigram fics you like? I adore everything you write about them, but that also means I read and re-read all of it many times so I wanted to check if maybe you'd share some recs

thank you and I love you're brilliant

first off, i love you SO much for this, and second, i'd be more than happy to provide fic recs!! it's been a while since my last list, so let me go through my bookmarks again :]

Kindness, I Suppose by McRibFarewellTour

"Disturbed by the way his manipulations have panned out, Will decides to abjure both Hannibal's plan and Jack's and invents one of his own. Deep conversations, torturing Hannibal with low-class accommodations, and Will hyperfixating on the history of New Orleans, all with the well-loved backdrop of a forced road trip."

i actually was just finishing this one as i went to answer your ask, and oh my god, i am in love with this fic. McRibFarewellTour is a fairly new AO3 author, but i've loved everything they've made

You're Looking Like I Feel by McRibFarewellTour

"Will’s been out of prison for a week, and Hannibal still hasn’t heard from him. Needless to say, he does not find this acceptable and decides to take action."

one of the best depictions of Will having a perfect idea for revenge on Hannibal that i've seen yet. it combines ideas we've all had for the best way for him to truly hurt Hannibal, with something new that i haven't seen from anything else yet. heed the tags!

That Which Has Been Ignored by virtuous_contract

"Behind him, Hannibal’s breathing is barely audible. Always so damn composed. Or perhaps Hannibal is really asleep? Perhaps the touch is only accidental? It’s the soft pad of a thumb on the back of his neck and the tips of loosely curled fingers stirring his curls more than resting against his skin. Shouldn’t he hate it? Or at the very least, fear it? Deep down he feels something else entirely. Relief of some undefined kind that he fiercely pushes away and refuses to acknowledge. It’s too embarrassing. He can’t be that person. Can’t be that weak."

a delightful touch-starved and maybe even shy post-fall Will on the run with Hannibal, going from hotel to hotel. lots of pining. i shan't say more, just know it's currently one of my favorite one shots.

to swallow smoke by ghostforwhat

"After all that, he had just needed a little release. A quick stop at a gas station on the way here had easily produced what he was searching for; a soft pack of cigarettes now bulging in his shirt pocket, hidden from the downpour as he ducks under the small awning over the office door."

how could i not include this one? part one already had me romanticizing things i should likely never romanticize, and part two extended that tenfold. it's something you need to experience. if you don't fare well with smut, at least read part one.

oh, to be the life and soul will be the death of me by Serindrana

huge fic description that's a passage from the fic, but this is essentially a one shot that combines mutual pining with Will discovering that Hannibal is indeed The Chesapeake Ripper...in the middle of one of Hannibal's dinner parties.

to the victor go the spoils by zipegs

8.9k word smut one shot that follows a dinner at Hannibal's between him, Alana, and Will, in which Alana leaves when she can no longer abide the tension. a very bitter Will ends up taking things in quite some direction, using a very particular sort of power in lieu of revenge, while also ensnaring himself in the very net he attempts to catch Hannibal in.

Small Repairs by Devereauxs_Disease

"It started with a clogged drain. Will put himself in a position to rescue Hannibal's dinner party, hoping to ingratiate himself to the good doctor as he gathered evidence. What he didn't anticipate was how much fun it was to fix things for Hannibal Lecter. In return, Hannibal offered to act as a cooking tutor for Will Graham, talking him through making dinner nearly every night. Are small home repairs really enough to fix what's been broken between these two?"

as always, i love their work. there's a particular scene i love near the end that i won't spoil, but i'll say that it has to do with Will having a very particular way to notice Hannibal's vulnerability, even from afar :]

A Sepulchre in This Kingdom by petrodactyl352

"The first time Hannibal meets Death, he is eight years old."

how could i not include the fic based on my own prompt? a delightful gift <3 i'm still obsessed with this concept even now

Hidden Potential by sourweather

"The first time you make eye contact with your soul mate, you see a vision of their greatest accomplishment. They call it your Peak. Unfortunately for Will Graham, his soul mate's Peak is a vision of blood and horror. Fortunately for Hannibal Lecter, his soul mate's is too."

a very particular kind of soulmate AU, and i was on the edge of my seat nearly every chapter wanting to see where everything would go. as usual, sourweather does NOT disappoint :]

touch me, i'm cold (unable to control) by Naomi_Riddle

"Dr. Hannibal Lecter lacks nothing. He’s definitely not lonely, and he’s certainly not touch-starved. And he absolutely, positively doesn’t have a thing for Will Graham. So when Abigail Hobbs is discharged from the Port Haven Psychiatric Facility, he suggests that she should move in with him - and so should Will. It’s only fair, as they’re both her legal guardians. A domestic, fluffy little fic of touch-starved down bad Hannibal Lecter, oblivious Will Graham, and sassy Abigail Hobbs who conspires to get her gay dads together. Featuring Winston and Company."

this one is still ongoing, and it's the one i look forward to the absolute most currently when it comes to fics updating. i've seen mutual pining domestic vibes with these two, obviously, but placing it so early on and including the adoption of Abigail just scratches an itch i didn't know i had in my brain.

and with that, i think i've met where i ended off last time i recommended stuff from my bookmarks :] hope you enjoy!

[countrymusiclover]

56 - The Magical Border

Part 57

Gemini Runaway

Tag list ask to be added @icefrye19 @secretdreamlandmentality

Pulling the car up to a stop at the edge of the Mystic Falls sign I shut the passenger door gently. The wind was blowing through my hair with me holding Missy’s hand in mine. Caroline had said that no supernatural could get into the town anymore. So we're here to test that theory. “Are we sure that Caroline is telling the truth or could she just be concerned that there’s a threat inside the town?” He asked.

“I don’t think Caroline would lie about that. She loves her little hometown. - Alina no!” I screamed seeing that she was about to press her hand forward and step over the line.

She didn’t listen to me where she pressed her hand against the barrier where her hand turned red siphoning something. “Woah…”

“Alina, let go now - agh!” Vamping up to her I wrapped my arms her waist tugging her backwards but she pushed me away and I stumbled over the barrier where I winced feeling a hole forming in my stomach where I was impaled and died. Visions flashed through my mind where I did my best to get back over the line.

"Jacob!" I suddenly gasped shooting up in a sitting position. My heart beating quick as my eyes flickered around the forest landing on my twin brother laying on his back.

Joshua glanced down to my boyfriend Klaus who was still dead from the neck snap I had given him. He bent down placing his hand on his chest looking back up at me. “So he’s the father huh. I am surprised that you got him. Everyone knows to fear his name.” He got to his feet laying his palms flat for me. “You are doing what you were born to do, Raelyn Lane.”

One of my hands tangled in his curly blonde locks tugging on them making him moan pulling back when my heart began thumping loudly in his ears. “I will go anywhere with you, Klaus Mikaelson.”

“And I am with you, Raelyn Lane.” He declares smirking down at me seeing the genuine grin on my face and the wind blowing through my blonde hair where he wanted to live in this moment forever.

Grabbing a hold of his dog tag necklace I yanked his lips down onto mine vamping him onto his back catching him off guard for probably the first time. “If anyone else did that their head would be on the end of a spike!” He growled up at me with his hands behind his head smirking that devilish one.

“Yes, yes I know.” I attempted to mimic his accent by throwing my hands up in the air. “I will hunt down everyone you know and everyone you love because I am the Hybrid - ah Klaus!”

“One more step and I’ll kill her.”

“No you won’t!” Klaus growled vamping the hybrid against the tree behind me where my body got thrown harshly into another tree stabbing me multiple times where I felt my blood coming out.

“With this ring I forever, I do.” Klaus declares shifting his gaze from mine and down to the ring. He slides the ring on my left hand lifting his gaze back up to mine and holding his gaze strongly smirking.

“With this ring I forever, I do.” Laughing through happy tears I slid the band on Klaus’s left ring finger.

Klaus wrapped his arms around my forearms, wincing when he yanked me back over the line. I gasped holding a hand over the wound seeing it slowly stop bleeding and it finally healed. “Raelyn, what happened? Where does it hurt?” He was all in a panic grabbing a hold of my shoulder.

“Caroline…was…right.” Gasping I hugged my knees to my chest seeing our daughters all giving me a terrified look.

Hope played with the end of her pink shirt. "Mommy, are you okay?"

"What happened?" Missy tilted her head, always being the curious but innocent one.

Finally Alina came up to me apologizing. "Mommy, I'm sorry. I just could feel…magic."

"Next time you're mother or I tell you to do something. You do and don't fight us. We are trying to protect you, do you understand that?" Klaus raised his tone but not enough to scare them.

All three girls responded together in unison. "Yes daddy."

"Good right now Raelyn what happened. Tell me what happened when you crossed." He asked gently holding my shoulders.

Sucking in a breath I wrapped my arms around myself meeting his blue orbs. "It was like my life flashed before my eyes. I saw Jacob die,,..then me. Our wedding and everything in between. And then I fell myself bleeding out from where I stabbed by a tree…”

“Come here, love. Sssh.” He put one hand on the back of my head running his fingers through my hair. Leaving his other hand on my lower back holding me close to his embrace.n

Wrapping my arms around his neck, my fingernails were gripping his black leather jacket. Sniffing through tears I broke the hug rising to my feet along with him following shortly after. “Let’s get something to eat then we can sort this all out.”

Klaus drove us until we parked outside what looked like a bar. Entering the door a woman came around the bar top about to throw us out. “Oh I’m sorry sir, they can’t be here unless they are twenty one.”

“Oh my mistake, love.” He placed a hand on her shoulder with his eyes dilating when he compelled her. “You’ll let us stay without any fight. And you’ll pour some of your blood in two glasses if you want to get a good tip.”

She nodded, sending our daughters a smile gesturing to the open bar stools walking into the back room. “Here you girls can sit up here. I’ll be back with your drinks.”

“You really should not do that to the poor girl. She doesn’t deserve to be compelled.” I sat down beside the girls resting my arms on the bar island.

Klaus clicked his tongue. “I figured the girls should be able to enjoy a nice meal somewhere if we have it in our power to do so."

The waitress came back with our glasses and some juice for the kids. I raised my glass to my lips enjoying the taste of her blood running down my throat. My phone buzzed when I picked it up, pressing it to my ear. “Caroline, hey. What’s going on with you?”

“Oh nothing much heading into a bar for a drink. How are you and Klaus?” She replied through the phone.

The door behind us opened where I turned around on my barstool grinning brightly when I recognized her. She hung her phone up and put it in her back pocket. She opened her arms and I jumped down embracing her. “What are you doing here? I thought you were at college.”

“I was until I heard my mom talking about some vampire lurking on the border. But it’s great to see you and your girls.” She breaks the hug bending down on her knees to be the girl’s level. “Hi girls.”

Missy immediately went to her first, flinging her arms around her. Hope came after that with Alina following afterwards. “Caroline!” She hugged them each tightly, staring up at me and Klaus.

“I have compelled the bartender and I’ll pay for the drinks. So have at it, love.” Klaus raised a glass in his hands smiling.

Caroline shook her head. “I’m good, Klaus. Although I did see a playground nearby. I can take the girls too if you want me to.”

Missy jumped up. “Please!”

Alina danced around in a circle. “Can we go!”

Hope grabbed Caroline’s hand in hers. “Can we, can we?”

Klaus sat his drink down on the barstool meeting my gaze seeing that I gave him a head nod yes in agreement. “Yes you can go with Caroline. Just be safe.”

The three ran off before I heard my phone go off so I answered it by hearing my uncle Joshua’s voice. “Hello Raelyn, we need to discuss your current situation with your children. Meet me at my house in Portland.” He hung up the phone where I made a weird face towards my husband.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[collinnmckinley]

trigger warning for mention of r*pe and sexual assault (feel free to not answer and delete if this topic is too much!)

Cannot believe you've got anons defending some of the stuff in fics and whitewashing it as just "experiencing attraction to a character." I cannot stand the pervy!141 fics. Especially because they tag it as non-con/dub-con (and sometimes they don't even include that warning, smh). Years ago, people in a ton of fandoms, especially on tumblr, all agreed that non-con/dub-con is literal rape. There's not such thing as "dubious consent"—that is 100% r*pe. Like, are we really fantasizing about r*pe??

Obviously, including dub-con/r*pe is so out of character for the 141 and COD in general. Maybe darker fandoms are more tolerant of that stuff because of the nature of their original material but I don't see COD being one of those. Especially because women in the military and civilian women in war zones are subject to so much sexual violence. And, female COD fans often experience threats of sexual violence and intense misogyny when we play online either in multiplayer or Warzone. That's literally why I have to always have voice chat disabled when I play.

Your dumbass anon™ was saying that tumblr is public so they should get to post what they want. That's totally true but guess what?? If they make their fics public, then they need to be open to both positive and negative feedback. That's part of being a writer—from someone who actually writes for a living. There's a level of vulnerability to putting your ideas and craft out there. If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. In other words, if you can't handle people critiquing your fics, then keep your stories saved on a hard drive and don't share it. End of story.

TRIGGER WARNING!!

I remember back in 2018 I just got introduced to OW fandom, let me tell you, the amount of dub-con it had was wild. I, being young and stupid, didn't understand that it's literally r*pe because it didn't mention that and it's just said dub-con, I thought it would be "oh they might be role-playing or she'll be totally okay with it later on" or " is this how they start becoming lovers cause it doesnt make sense?" and I would always comment something along the line of "she said no at first, why is she taking it without fighting? can she not get help from her friend? why is 'my favorite character' acting like this?" and the authors would be frustrated to answer my questions every time. it only took me a year to understand that people were fucking degenerates and this is not a genre that should be taken lightly because like you said, it's literally r*pe. and at the time, that genre was RAMPANT, how it is right now in cod tumblr.

and when I see all that being repeated in cod fandom, I can't stand it! it pisses me the fuck off. they think, because cod is all "war and no love" and how "hard ass" these characters are, how manly and rugged they are, they'll act this way towards anyone let alone their loved ones. if ANYTHING some of the pure, loving and soft characters I've come to known from different types of media (videogames, tv series, movies, etc) , came from military or law enforcements. not everything has to be overtly sexualized or made into some fucked up fantasy.

and yeah I'm in the same boat as you are when it comes to voice coms. I am terrified of what I might hear in it regardless of if its towards a woman or not, so rarely open it when I play alone.

all in all, that anon should not be interacting with me anymore, good fucking riddance. and this should be a lesson to everyone who thinks like that too. never fuck with or come near people who has unconditional love towards "fictional" characters and want to protect them no matter what the cost. we wont hesitate to kink shame you, at least I wont.

[sol1loqu1st]

under a readmore because. yeah. cw for discussion of like. everything happening on the news rn

i don't know how to talk about any of this without it sounding like i am making. like. Literal G*nocide (censored to avoid tags not because i think it's a Bad Word) about Me And My Mental Illness so i guess prefacing with. like. this is not any sort of #Take, i'm just processing some complicated personal feelings that i don't know how to talk about with my therapist. at the core of it all i'm scared and not sure how to help and i feel like there's so much confusion that if i ask for real, tangible things i can do, there's a not-insignificant chance i might end up helping to make things worse.

anyways like. i've probably got moral ocd and at the very least have a lot of the symptoms, and i also have cptsd from like. a million different things but partially from constant, unrelenting exposure to horrific news (specifically, in a way where the narrative tends to be both "if you aren't spending a majority of your time and effort thinking about and trying to solve this, you are complicit" AND "this is hopeless, there's nothing the average person can do, no amount of donations and calling your reps and front line activism is ever going to help") since i was a young teen, again, who probably has moral ocd, and just. idk. everything happening right now is immensely triggering on so many levels.

i don't know what's *actually* happening because it feels like there are a hundred different narratives but i know there's a horrific genocide happening and i'm terrified that by not reblogging or talking about it much i'm not doing even the bare minimum of my part. but so many of the posts i would actually reblog (specifically, posts with actual information or ways to help -- as a personal rule, i won't reblog posts that are just fear or anger or venting (not because i think that's Bad(tm) but because it just makes me feel hopeless and suicidal)) seem to go out of their way to like. pin the blame on average citizens, or even jewish people, instead of the israeli (or hell, the united states) government, and i know that like. nuance gets lost when you're scared and angry and grieving and as an outsider it would be ridiculous to tone-police but with the rise in rampant antisemitism in the last few years, at least in the US, happening alongside all of this i am so so scared for my jewish friends and i'm scared for what it means for me when i eventually start my conversion process (or if it means that i'll never start, for my own safety) and i've already been struggling with activism burnout since like 2020 and i'm just. i feel sick watching genocide happen across the world and not knowing how to help and being scared that even if i attempt to help it's going to make a different problem worse. and i feel disgusted and horrified at myself for being so paralyzed by fear and confusion and my own much less significant trauma that i'm essentially no better than someone who intentionally sticks their head in the sand and doesn't care at all. which, see above, makes me worry that i'm complicit.

i'm open to replies to this post, including ones that challenge the way i feel and especially if anyone has any suggestions on constructive ways i can help (or groups i can donate to who are doing constructive things -- i've heard someone say even donations aren't helpful right now, i don't know if that's true or not) but i'm begging for compassion because like. believe me, whatever thing you're going to say about my position of relative privilege or like. White Guilt(tm) or anything like that, my brain has already guilt tripped me about it. i'm not necessarily asking for advice on how to turn this into actually constructive activism because i know that ultimately it's kinda on me, but i'm open to hearing advice anyone has

sorry for this being kinda incoherent, i didn't want to talk about it at all since i know it is like. the way i personally feel about this is not relevant or important. but it's consuming a lot of my thoughts and energy and i'm trying to find a way to find some sort of balance where i can still function without just sticking my fingers in my ears and pretending it's not happening

[lacefuneral]

hm. i wasnt going to post about it again but. i will. i don't want to put this in the tag but there are spoilers for the last two episodes of the pirate show. so scroll past if you don't want spoiled

but this is less a post about the show and more about. my mental episode. SA discussion tw.

ok so when i saw the episodes last thursday, i saw the implied sex scene and my sexual assault trauma got triggered. really bad. in fact so bad that it pushed me into full blown psychosis that lasted for like 12 hours. and then the subsequent days i felt residual fear.

i instinctively blocked anyone who giffed the scene in question or posted screencaps of it. or made posts celebrating it/making jokes of it. and in some cases blocked people who simply reblogged them.

i realize that people have written meta explaining "no, no really. this is consensual." but one, i don't think a piece of media should have to /require/ that sort of meta and, two, regardless of what was intended by the narrative, the direction taken in the filming of the scene /did/ trigger my sexual assault trauma. i even saw people make horrible posts like "i've seen people say this scene resembles SA to them and actually, THOSE people are spreading rape culture" ???????

anyway. in some cases, i've begun to gradually refollow people (especially former mutuals) that i blocked during my mental health episode. but i'm not quite there yet. i'm still... fragile.

now. i have encountered instances like this before. where media caused me upset (although not nearly to this degree, as this time it involved a comfort character) and like anything else that has triggered me, i've had to approach it with (controlled!) exposure therapy.

unfortunately, controlled exposure therapy would not be possible at this time, as i continue to encounter the scene against my will regardless of what website i am on (which is causing retraumatization). so, after the finale airs, i will likely need to blacklist the OFMD tag for a little while - stop going on AO3 etc. - giving me an entirely clean slate to work with.

but... yeah. i'm in a weird position where something i deeply love has become unsafe for me. where, i could not have guessed in a million years that my comfort character would violently slam his partner against the wall. no communication. no provocation. after his partner very clearly said he wanted to go slow. and that's fucking terrifying to me. i can't help but put myself in ed's shoes. because i would also want to go slow, for my own reasons. and what if my partner didn't care. just disregarded preestablished boundaries. forced himself onto me because of his own selfish desires. while i am trying to comfort him. while i open up about my childhood traumas.

it literally makes me feel physically ill. they could have framed the scene any other way. even if they were "pressed for time." what, they had time to give izzy a musical number but not enough to flesh out one of the most delicate and anticipated scenes of the entire show?

so to me, right now, that scene is my wooden shark. i do not acknowledge it as having happened. maybe that will change eventually? but i have to do that to protect myself.

and like. the response from (some) corners of the fandom to SA victims who were triggered by the ending of episode 6 is nothing short of cruel. i hope you guys learn to be compassionate to others.