#I am scared of victimblamers

[danadiadea]

I know an absolutely horrid amount of women, who experienced domestic rapes, but didn't classify them as a form of abuse. Because they've had a belief that "your partner/husband can't rape you". Or that they deserved it. Or that this is what wives supposed to experience. The victim does not always classify what happened to them as a crime, often as a form of defense mechanism or because of cultural settings. Nevertheless, crimes have objective criteria in most legal systems. The victim's personal perception is important, but it's not the ONLY thing that makes up the nature of the crime.

Criminals also often don't know that what they are doing is actually harassment, rape, violence etc. I really don't care if they understand the impact it has on the victim or not. We must not justify someone beating their child, because they believe that this is a normal way of parenting, to which they have a right, and maybe they don't understand the severity of the consequences. If you don't understand that it's unacceptable to violate other people's basic boundaries, then don't function in society and go learn how to socialize in a penal institution.

Regardless of personal perception and how the classification of an action affects our attitude towards it, the person who committed a crime is a criminal. Victims can justify the perpetrators, refuse to victimize themselves, or believe that what happened to them fits into their cultural concept of the norm, but this does not automatically cease to make beating a beating, rape a rape, and sexual assault a sexual assault. In addition, violating personal boundaries, a basic sense of security, control, and ownership of one's own body cannot just pass without any consequences for someone who has experienced that.

We cannot know exactly what Severus had thought about this, but we do know that Snape's strongest and most unrestrained emotional reactions are precisely to what is related to the marauders. He can perfectly control himself while sitting next to the absolute maniac who killed the person he held most dear, but he absolutely loses his shit with Sirius. He placidly parries when Harry throws Crucio at him, but is obviously distressed when Harry tries to use Levicorpus. The only time Snape used physical force on a student was when Harry violated his privacy and watched the SWM. I think it's obvious that this is a very serious trauma for Severus, regardless of how much he himself is aware of it and how he specifically classifies what happened to him. I am personally sure he would absolutely abhore an idea of identifying SWM as SA. But it doesn't change anything for me frankly.

Besides, yeah, the victim's morals have nothing to do with the crime at all. It's just irrelevant. Which bad words Snape used and who he sat with at lunch has nothing to do with the marauders.

(Even if Snape had been spending his free time crucifying kittens, it still wouldn't have anything to do with the marauders in fact)

one of the (MANY!) things that i can’t stop thinking about regarding that horrible discourse post is the way that the terms sexual harassment and sexual assault are thrown around. i think that whether or not the incident (where james turns snape upside down with his own spell and exposes his underwear in front of everyone) “counts” as sexual harassment or assault doesn’t really matter. at least, not in the way the people in that discourse post think that it matters.

how we as the readers would define this event based on our own morality is relatively unimportant. what actually matters in this situation is how snape experienced it. nobody involved in that discourse post considers whether snape himself would define this event as sexual assault – and even if he would define it as such, whether that would influence his perception of how harmful it was. after all, people can experience the same event differently; what one person considers a bad day can be extremely traumatic for someone else. because of this, trying to objectively quantify the degree of harm snape experienced by defining this incident as sexual assault, harassment, bullying, or whatever, obscures the most important part of the incident – which is how it affected snape! it's so frustrating, because this is something that we could actually have interesting discourse about. did james know how deeply his actions were affecting snape? would he have changed his behavior if he knew? or did he already know, and simply not care?

but even more frustrating is the fact that despite all of the animosity in that post, i don't think anyone involved actually cares about whether or not the incident was sexual harassment/assault. the function of those terms in that post is simply to assign morality to the people involved. if the incident counts as sexual assault, then snape is a Victim and therefore Good, and james is a Perpetrator and therefore Bad. if it wasn’t sexual assault, then the incident wasn’t really that harmful, so snape is Bad and james is Good. it’s mind-bogglingly reductive. i guess it's just remarkable that everyone involved in that post seems so confident in their ability to define sexual harassment and assault, while simultaneously ignoring any of the effects that this could have had on snape. instead, sexual harassment and assault just serve as proxies for morality in the never-ending argument of whether or not snape Bad.

tl;dr what you call this incident does not determine the amount of harm it caused, and also you should care about the amount of harm it caused if you're going to make claims about morality

[himawari-candyy]

I really HATE it when mfs literally don’t take any of the suicide victims in milgram seriously especially KillCheory (please correct me if I misspelled it), and Mahiru’s boyfriend. The fandom is really and too lenient when it comes to Fuuta, Mahiru and sometimes Kazui. Fuuta literally had a role in DOXXING a middle school and harassing her until she took her own life and Mahiru is implied to have emotionally abused her bf and has been proven to be an abuser. But of course mfs always say, “WELL FUUTA DIDNT MEAN IT AND MAHIRU DIDNT KNOW THAT HE WOULD, MAHIRU’S BOYFRIEND SHOULD’VE JUST LEFT HER AND CUT CONTACT!!” That really shows right there that they don’t take emotional abuse and male victims seriously and always try to find excuses for mahiru and often ignore how worse she is in canon compared to the idealized fanon version of her that exists in their head. The same with Fuuta they always say KillCheory could’ve just deleted all her social media, there’s no deleting and logging off after having your private info leaked and everyone knowing your identity. Now with Kazui I love him as a Kazui Stan I think he’s well written but the way some fans treat Hinako and always downplay what she went through. Hinako and Kazui are implied to have been married for a long time not just that but for like ONE OR TWO DECADES. Hinako had every right to feel the way she felt after finding out that everything she’s known about Kazui and their marriage was just a fucking lie and he never loved her in way she loved him.

Tldr: Milgram fandom sucks when it comes to the suicide victims in milgram and often are too lenient on the people who drove them to do it and victimblame them a whole lot.

i agreeeee. as much as i absolutely adore fuuta, mahiru, and kazui, they are in milgram for a reason. i don’t really read people’s takes on characters super often so i am not 100% sure how the fandom perceives the victims (thankfully i haven’t seen much victim blaming in the tumblr community 🤔 i have seen it on pinterest though). i wish they had more info about the victims because i feel like people would have a better grasp of their situations if it wasn’t left to interpretation. and i’m not just saying that because i want more hinako screen time 😭

thankfully i appreciate that the three prisoners are clearly remorseful and recognize that what they did was wrong. it shows that they developed a sound sense of morality at least

yapping incoming 🙏

i think that for some people, it might be hard to empathize with the victims because they don’t understand their perspectives. i think the one that i feel the most strongly about is mahiru’s victim. yes, i guess he could have left her and cut contact, but it’s said in tihtbilwy that they have a “breakup ritual” or something along those lines, so that implies that he has tried. 🙁 i’ve personally been in the same position and i can’t stress how tough it is to leave. it took me years to get out, and sometimes, you feel like there is no way out. from an outsider’s pov it might appear like “well if this person is hurting you so much then just remove them from your life, it’s easy”, and god, i wish it was really that simple, but i don’t want to get too personal… i do know that it’s also implied that her boyfriend was kind of bad too but i can’t really say anything about that until we learn more about him 🫤 either way, it doesn’t excuse emotional abuse

i feel the same about killcherroy too. it wasn’t her fault that she was doxxed. no one deserves that no matter how problematic they are and leaving the internet won’t solve anything. it would be so sad if she had to give it all up just because of malicious people

as for hinako…… my girl…… my love of my life…… she deserved better. she should have married me instead 😔 i would feel so betrayed if i was in her place. it does make me feel sad though because kazui truly never wanted her to die. fuuta and mahiru obviously feel that way too, but kazui was scared of that sort of outcome which is part of the reason he kept lying. (i think? been a minute since i watched the vds 😅 now that i’m thinking about it, it’s possible that i’m playing a mental game of telephone by misremembering how kazui’s words were phrased)

sorry if these are bad takes ougghg i haven’t really taken the time to think about this in depth and my brain is mush 💔 ya girl has been staying up until 8-11 am and waking up at 6 pm these past few days

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

// TW: sexual assault, sexual abuse, rape, victimblaming

so a few years ago i was raped in my sleep while i was wearing a skirt. i didn't know until a year after i lost contact with my assaulter (who is an ex of mine). because of that, i feel sick at the thought of wearing a skirt.

but recently, i've been thinking about wanting to wear a skirt.

but i feel super panicky thinking about it but at the same time i want to. but then i also feel like no one will believe that it happened to me if i tried, because i previously sworn off of wearing them.

it's hard enough trying to get people to believe me since there's basically no evidence of it happening (other than what i remember and how i feel)

what do i do? is this valid? am i just making it all up? i'm scared i'm so sorry

Mod April: Hi anon,

You are absolutely valid. It sounds like wearing a skirt is a trigger for you, and overcoming triggers is a very valid way to deal with them. Overcoming them does not invalidate your trauma in any way. I promise.

I can't promise people will believe you, but I do promise that you are valid either way.

If this is something you try, please try to make sure you have some grounding exercises ready if you begin to feel panicked and need to ground yourself.

Is it also possible to work yourself up to it? For example, maybe wearing a skirt over leggings instead of just going right to the skirt? You could also wear short shorts under the skirt as a next step.

Please proceed with caution. I am not a professional, and those are my suggestions. If you are in therapy, discussing this with your therapist might help too. Because this kind of sounds like your own "exposure therapy" and that's usually better accompanied by a professional. If you try it on your own, please be safe and try and have a safe person around you if you can.

Mod Emmett: Hey anon. I had a very similar experience. I was assaulted wearing a particular skirt and I didn't realize for a year.. when I realized, the skirt became a problem for me. What helped me work my way up to wearing skirts again was to start with skirts that were a different style than the one I was assaulted in. I chose longer ones with patterns or different colors. I slowly worked up to shorter skirts and to black skirts that were close to the one I wore during my trauma. Pairing it with yops that were different than I wore that day helped too. I also found it helpful to wear it in a safe place first (for me that was just my bedroom) and slowly work up to leaving my house wearing outfits that scared me a bit. Having a change of clothes in my bag was a safe guard I put in place as well, it was comforting knowing that I could put on pants if I needed to or wanted to. It took about a year of slow work for this to happen for me by the way, it was not an overnight fix.

[roughntoughdirtkissers]

( well. seeing as how that turned out. maybe I should quit after all.

I’ll just be raw. I wanna die now. I wanna kill myself. I let that anonymous confession be posted without even thinking about the bad to come from it. I wanted a better place for the sonic rpc to be in but now I know I need to be put in my place. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault and I’ll take full responsibility for the vagueness of the blog. I allowed it to happen and I shouldn’t have.

Yeah, I am being unreasonable. I know I’m being illogical. No one’s probably hard on me for it and people can see my heart is in the right place, yada yada yada. That’s not the point.

I hate myself. I hate myself often, I hate myself everyday. Every time I come on here I worry I’ll upset someone because of who I am. Every time I think of myself it’s negative. Every time I speak I limit myself to avoid annoying someone. It’s gotten so bad that I went back to my anti depressants to keep myself from committing suicide.

and why am I so hung up on making mistakes anyway? Because the one time I upset someone without meaning to, their followers attacked me. That person spoke to me as if I hated them when that wasn’t the case. I think about it all the time, every time I’m on tumblr, because it happened on this site. And ever since that point, I’ve been trying my best not to offend anyone in fear of losing them.

If I come off as a sociopath or someone psychotic, well... I guess I am. I guess I am playing victim. I guess I am using my suicidal thoughts and tendencies to defend myself. Sorry. It’s the way I am and I’ve been trying to change myself so I can rp better but now my mental health is below the gutter and traight into hell and it’ll take a while for me to climb out.

if this post also sounds like I’m victimblaming, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt anyone. I didn’t think anything through.

I don’t think this place is for me anymore. After what happened, I don’t think I’m in the mood to do anything. I can’t do anything right. And now people are going to leave me again because I spoke out about my mental health and spoke out about what I did. I know it. I know it sounds like victimblaming, but that is how I feel and it’s what I worry about everyday. I’m scared of people leaving me.

but I guess I’m a hypocrite for wanting to leave this site. Well, I don’t want to, but maybe I should. I’m obbviously unhappy with the way things are now. And I’m not like everyone else to where they can be fine with everything, or just vent for a minute and go on about their day. I’m not that type of person.

This post is getting long and I sound like a sociopath so I think I’ll just leave. I don’t care if I come back. I’m in a crisis state right now and I need to take care of it before it’s too late.

Sorry. )