#I am ridiculous so it was a struggle to post these out of chronological order but I'm pretty sure no one apart from me minds

[bbcphile]

WIP Wednesday

Happy Wednesday! Have some more of my MLC longfic! This excerpt comes from a little before the one I posted last week, when they're still in the tree and FDB is trying to convince DFS to let him help before DFS collapses. (You can find all previous excerpts here.)

**

A-Fei took a long, slow breath and swayed closer to the trunk as he exhaled, his forehead almost brushing against his battered knuckles. “Go back to Lotus Tower,” he said at last. “I’ll meet you there.” 

“Did you not hear a word I just said?” Fang Duobing snapped. “I’m not going anywhere without you. We’re leaving together. So let me help you. Please.”

A-Fei pressed his palm harder against the trunk, and faint tremors started to run through his arms. 

The branch beneath them vibrated. Fang Duobing glanced down to make sure it wasn’t about to break. 

It was perfectly sturdy. A glance at a-Fei’s stance showed he’d locked his knees. His legs must have started to buckle and shaken the branch, and this was a-Fei’s untenable solution. 

Fang Duobing sighed. “Will you at least sit down while we come up with a better plan?”

A-Fei’s head shifted subtly as he looked down and then at the branch to his right. “No need,” he gritted out, leaning harder against the tree.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Fang Duobing said. “Your legs are about to give out and you don’t think you can squat down enough to sit on the branch you’re standing on without falling. So sit on the one to your left instead,” he said, patting it with his palm. “You won’t have to bend your knees as far so it won’t put as much strain on the muscles. I can even help you, if you’ll let me.”

“Unnecessary,” a-Fei said, his voice trembling under the strain.

“That’s clearly not true, which means you don’t think you can do that, either.”

“Fang Duobing!” a-Fei spat out.

“So we have two options: one is I turn around and let you collapse on the branch and try to catch yourself before you fall out of the tree. I hate this plan and I don’t want us to do it. The other option is that you let me help you.”

Even from looking at a-Fei from behind, it was clear that his jaw was twitching. “How?” he bit out at last.

“Like this.” Fang Duobing put his right foot in front of his left, squatted slightly to lower his center of balance and increase his stability, and held his arms straight out to a-Fei, palms up. “Take my hands.”

A-Fei’s strained exhale was practically a growl. “Why.” 

“Your legs need help supporting your weight, don’t they? So deload them by supporting yourself with my arms. Pull on them as hard as you need to to keep your legs from buckling as you sit. I’ll be your counterbalance. That should help lower you to where you were sitting when I got here.”

“No.”

“Fine. Then can I put my arm around your waist and help support you as you sit?”

“No.” 

“Then let me carry you out of the tree with qinggong!”

“No.”

“Then come up with a better suggestion!” Fang Duobing snapped, flailing his arms. 

“I made one,” a-Fei snarled. “Go.”

“Absolutely not! I will give you space and I will help you only as much as you will let me, but I will not abandon you in a fucking tree! You’re my friend, a-Fei! Friends don’t do that!”

A-Fei went so still the tremors briefly stopped. “Friend?” he said, in a tone so deliberately devoid of affect Fang Duobing couldn’t begin to interpret it.

“Obviously!” Fang Duobing rolled his eyes. Then he paused and winced. “Well, I’m probably more annoyance than friend to you, but you’re a friend to me! So let me help you. Please.” 

The tremors started again without additional response.

Fang Duobing sighed. “Fine,” he said, recentering himself and closing his eyes. “My eyes are closed. I can’t see you. That’s as much privacy as I can give you. Now will you try taking my hands? I’d try it facing the other way but my shoulders don’t bend like th–” He cut himself off as large, warm hands, still tacky with blood and faintly trembling, took his.

“Stop listing left,” a-Fei said, tugging him to the right. “You can’t help anyone if you fall.” 

Fang Duobing went very still, hardly daring to move in case it shattered the precarious truce between them. “You’re . . . letting me help?”

A-Fei's whole arm twitched, the vibrations shooting through their joined hands. “Just get on with it. And–” another twitch. A-Fei’s clenched his arm so forcefully his fingers went rigid in Fang Duobing’s hand. “–Open your eyes. Before you hurt yourself.”

[burningthetree]

1, safe and warm for 5, 10, 34 (or really your favorite thing about your style), and 45 for the fic questions!!

much love 💖

Evie!! I'm booping your nose right back <3

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work?

I think either one of my Sakuatsu one-shots or my longer Sakuatsu fic. I wouldn't recommend the Bokuaka one because it's MCD and also incredibly long. If you like MCD, then by all means, go ahead with the Bokuaka one. Otherwise safe and warm.

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about safe and warm?

I put a lot of thought into the character constellations. I struggled a lot at first choosing which characters to write about – I had the idea for the plot, I knew I wanted to write the story, but I had like…I think nine or ten different character constellations for it and I couldn't decide, until I ultimately settled on Sakuatsu + Kuroo (with Iwaizumi and Ushijima as the side characters/antagonists (more or less)). For our main trio, I mainly connected them to their school banners (Atsumu -> we don’t need the memories, nasty of me considering he has amnesia lol, Kuroo -> connect, Sakusa -> effort; and this all neatly connects with their motives and actions in the story), as well as some canon elements (like Sakusa thinking that Kuroo looks like a con-man, so I made him a con-man because it fits his character best). For Iwaoi, I thought that love would be a great motivation, and for Ushijima, he just has a vendetta against Oikawa which is a fun play with canon. There’s going to be more characters but I’m not going to spoil it, but I spent at least two weeks on constructing the characters like this until I was satisfied with it lol

10. How do you decide what to write?

It’s always very much dependent on my mood. Like I need to be in the mood for a certain story in order to actually make progress on it, otherwise it’ll just be extremely frustrating (hence why I often have multiple stories ongoing at the same time). I also never write out of order for a story, so I go pretty much chronologically safe for a few dialogues that might come up at a later point, but never a fully fleshed-out scene. So if I’m in the mood for the next scene in a fic, I’ll write that. If not, I’ll write something else, and if need be, start a one-shot that I may or may not end up posting

34. What aspects of your writing are inspired by/taken from your real life?

I draw a lot of emotion from real life because it makes it much easier to write certain scenes. Like, if there’s a highly emotional scene (there were plenty in forget me not), I will connect it to something I had to go through irl and relate it to how I felt in that situation to make the writing process of describing those intricate and delicate emotions as best and relatable, and realistic most of all, as possible. That also leads to me massively projecting sometimes and trauma dumping in my writing but no one will ever really know for sure what is fiction and what isn’t lol

As for my favourite thing about my style, I use alliteration a lot because it makes me ridiculously happy, or any other literary devices like metaphors or similes or asyndetons/polysyndetons, all these kinds of things to convey subtle meaning through language use that I am absolutely obsessed with because of studying linguistics. So maybe that’s my favourite thing.

45. What's something you've improved on since you started writing fic?

I started writing fic when I was ten, so…almost 13 years ago so there’s a LOT that I’ve improved on because obviously age makes a huge difference. I got better at understanding the characters and their ideals and I also got a better grasp on canon, which (I think so at least) gives me the ability to write the different relationships better and draw out the scenes/story a lot more than I was able a couple of years back. I also used to write on a very irregular basis, and I am now actively trying to write every day or at least take notes on my stories each day so I don’t distance myself from it too much if life gets busy. Something I also learned is to properly draft and outline my ideas to assure that massive writer’s block doesn’t happen (it still does, sometimes, but not as bad as before).

[jngles]

Thoughts You Definitely All Asked For on ‘The Mandalorian’ Season 2 Finale!!

These are in chronological order for the show.

One of my biggest fears about them reintroducing Boba Fett was that by removing some of his mystery, they would make him less cool. Thank god that has not been the case. He’s still an aloof and nasty piece of work but with dimensions added.

We all know the Empire is most often a metaphor for America right? At least when it’s not being Nazi Germany? The Imperial pilot talking about destroying an entire planet (of peaceful weaponless civilians no less) to stop terrorism hits a little too close to home of the nuclear bombs the US has dropped and the endless destruction of the Middle East in the “war against terror.” And of course we frame all our wars in similar language like “our troops died to keep our country safe,” which hasn’t really been true since WWII.

I do think it’s worth noting that this is the first time SW has had someone acknowledge the human losses of the Death Star blasts. Usually it’s framed as a loss in construction time, strategical advantage, and power. The Empire proved time and time again that the lives of its soldiers were utterly expendable, which always made me question why people remained loyal outside of fear. Through this pilot’s phrasing, you can see the propaganda Imperial superiors used to twist the truth to their followers, always blaming those deaths on Rebel aggression instead of prideful Imperial neglect (I.e. not abandoning ship when there was still time) or even direct Imperial aggression like Operation Cinder where they fired on thousands of their own (discussed in S2E7.)

You can’t tell me Din wasn’t into it when Cara shot that asshole pilot. That cold faced revenge shot? 100% Mandalorian style, and also very very hot.

I appreciate that it was a pretty equal match between Boba and Koska Reeves. So much of Boba’s advantage comes from his suit, but since she also has one, it’s a battle of wits on how to use it, and they even out. This both maintains his legendary badassery and also that of highly trained Mandalorian warriors, and hopefully avoids asshole chauvinist SW fans on the internet complaining abujt “pandering to feminism” (fuck off @ all of them, especially since Mercedes Vernado who plays Reeves is a WWE champ and could kick all of your asses.)

Din point blank asked how many Death Troopers there are and Dr. Pershing never answered, and that annoys me.

Why is no one suspicious why Dr. Pershing is being so helpful and revealing so much information? He totally did not have to tell them about the Dark Troopers or any of the specifics of locations on the ship. He’s still with the empire post-fall, implying he’s a loyalist, so... wtf on his part (since no tricks come of it), and “be smarter” on the part of everyone else. Unless he’s been captive as a clone engineer all this time. But couldn’t he have made his escape back in Season 1 when Din killed everyone at that lab to get the kid back?

Bo Katan really could’ve just told them how the retrieval of the dark saber needs to work in the flight before the mission instead of being vague about “he belongs to me.”

Boba Fett’s usage of “Princess” and “don’t worry about me” are a good throwback to Han Solo and the culture they both grew up in. You can never quite tell if it’s based in misogyny or resentment for upper classes, but both of them seem to use it as a shield for begrudging respect they hold for a woman they think is brave but following a fool’s errand (the Rebellion and retaking Mandalore).

The Comms Officer (Katy O’Brian) assisting Moff Gideon will forever and always look like Ilana Glazer to me, and then I get swept up imagining what would happen if the Broad City cast accidentally got transported to Star Wars.

The launch tube sequence has some amazing cinematography.

The second I saw Boba was cut off from the pack, I really thought they were going to kill him again and make his return bittersweet. Glad they didn’t.

God this team of Bo Katan, Koska Reeves, Fennec Shand, and Cara Dune is SO BADASS. I’m just obsessed with all these characters and their various motivations to get shit done. I honestly didn’t even think about the fact it’s all women until my re-watch, showing that the writers made it feel natural, the way women deserve to have their representation done. You can bet I am SO EXCITED for my future daughter and the wealth of possibilities she’s going to have of characters to play pretend as, action figures she can relate to, Halloween costumes to wear, etc. It’s so validating that we’ve gone from only Princess Leia as a female main character to all these women + Rey, Jyn Erso, Ahsoka, etc. etc.

Can’t wait for the trap remix of the Dark Trooper activation noises. (And the transition from that to the minimalist flute theme is perfect.)

The spy movie version of the main theme music is sick.

The Dark Trooper droid faces have a lot of similarity to Darth Vader’s mask. That callback is especially apparent when the one is literally lit from the inside with fire. He was already a martyr/legend to the Imperial remnants, Kylo Ren didn’t start the trend of ignoring his redemption.

Cara’s “excuse me” right before shooting up Stormtroopers is hilarious. Literally “can’t talk rn, doing hot girl shit and murdering space Nazis.”

Finally an Imperial ship got some frickin security cameras. Truly- the amount of times people just wander down hallways they’re not supposed to be in with no one being able to find them throughout the course of Star Wars is ridiculous when you think about the degree of surveillance our real life society carries out. I also love that this means The Mandalorian characters have also seen The Mandalorian.

The storytelling does such a service to Pedro Pascal and his already heroic efforts to portray emotion through a helmet. For example: Din easily could’ve killed the one stormtrooper outside Grogu’s cell much more efficiently, but instead, to show his absolute rage, they wrote in Din choking him out with a spear.

Moff Gideon would have been the BIGGEST pain in the ass in philosophy class. “Assume I know everything” my ass. I want to hear about his backstory (he would’ve been “coming of age” at the time of the Clone Wars) mostly just to hear about him getting bullied at school.

Smart move honestly, to try to tempt Din with the Mandalorian throne, given the Mandalorian power struggles of the past. Proud of our boy for keeping his priorities straight.

So has the blood from Grogu been transferred out of the ship and back to the remnant empire already, or do they have to find a new “donor” to help with building Snoke and Palpatine’s clones? Will they continue to go after him with Luke?

Lmao Din being so annoyed by Bo Katan being stringent about the tradition of winning the Dark Saber through combat is HILARIOUS, coming from a man who up until like a day ago hadn’t shown his face to a living being in decades.

The dark troopers can punch in blast doors but NOT Din’s helmet?? That’s a wild testament to beskar. Somehow that’s the comparison that sticks out to me, more even than its resistance to lightsabers.

This show works because of the cynicism of so many characters adding contrast to the moments of heart. Cara Dune is not a “fan” the way Rey was (for the record I love Rey, don’t come at her, it’s just different). Cara doesn’t see an X-Wing and go OMG THE REBELLION I LOVE THEM. She’s been through too much to believe in the magic saviourism of the “good guys,” and is instead thinking strategically when she, the one Rebel present, brushes off the usefulness of “one X-Wing.” The only positive things she seems to feel in battle situations are moments of relief and brief satisfaction in hurting the empire, with a dark knowledge that it will never make up for the hurt they did to her.

How do you keep a cloak hood on while fighting? Both from a technical standpoint (my hats fall off without me even having to move- is he expending force energy just to keep it on and look cool lol?) and also because idk, maybe it’s just me, but peripheral vision is helpful when surrounded by killer robots on a thin bridge above oblivion. I know his first lesson was to “see” through the force, but every resource helps, right?

Now that she has the ship, I wonder if Bo Katan can reprogram any salvageable Dark Troopers to help with retaking Mandalore?

There is nothing like seeing Luke’s fighting style, with its efficient choppiness and twinge of darkness. I always wonder how much is natural and how much is influenced by his first fights with Vader (that Skywalker diva flair). I love how they’ve advanced his technique but also kept him extremely “grey” here- like to straight up COMBUST a Dark Trooper takes some violent energy lol.

How tf is Moff Gideon alive after threatening Grogu’s life twice directly? That’s a wild testament to Din’s regard for Cara.

I love how seeing Luke slice through a bunch of murder droids like butter probably was a huge point in his favor for Din actually letting Grogu go with him. Like he will only send his child to boarding preschool if he knows the teacher will be a certified killing machine.

Oh my god they finally brought in some OG Star Wars theme music for Luke to take his hood off to 😭 It felt weird seeing him fight to different music, so the emotional payoff is huge when his themes come back for the face reveal.

Whoever added the digital young Mark Hamill face NAILED those classic shining Luke eyes and the earnest eyebrow lift.

Whoever shines the glass of Baby Yoda’s lil puppet eyeballs each day deserves a raise. The light caught in those babies is devastating.

Din is shaking as he takes off his helmet. This is the most enormous show of love he could give him, and possibly the last he’ll be able to for a long time. He only just got Grogu back and is desperate for a moment of real connection before letting him go once again.

This is the first time anyone has touched Din’s face since... likely his parents as a child.

Whoever wrote this scene clearly actually has kids. Anyone who’s ever had to leave a young child even just to go out for a bit or to drop them off somewhere knows that heartbreak of seeing them look in your eyes and hold on to your leg, trying to keep you with them. Especially when they can sense your mutual separation anxiety. The one thing that starts to make them feel better is something fun like a new toy or friend who can be their guide in the new environment, and R2’s friendly introduction is exactly that (since digital Luke isn’t being particularly emotive or child friendly... I hope that’s just because he’s reaching into Grogu’s mind while also keeping an eye on the multiple people with guns trained on him, not because he’s going to be totally unfeeling raising this kid.)

I love that Grogu and R2 are immediately buddies in contrast to Episode 5 when R2 was like “fuck this guy” @ Yoda stealing food and hitting him with a walking stick lol. I would imagine Luke must be reminded of that first introduction too and entertained by this display of playfulness in a *positive* light between R2 and mini-Yoda.

I need to know if Luke and Ahsoka have met- it is KILLING ME.

Does this mean Grogu will get killed by Kylo Ren when he fucks up Luke’s academy??? I will reincarnate Ben just to kill him again if that’s the case.

How does Luke not even fully SMILE at Grogu?? An adorable little baby version of his beloved master Yoda, and you’re telling me he doesn’t have the same heart stopping gasp we all did when we first saw him?? Maybe he did when they first connected through the force. He has a bit of bemusement on his face, and also wonder in his eyes, but I want a grin of recognition and welcome, dammit.

I really wish Luke had somehow acknowledged Cara Dune. Everyone else seems to see the tear drop Rebel sign and know it means Alderaan. He could’ve been like yo I have a badass warrior sister from your planet that you should meet. Or just “thank you for your service.” (I know this actually wouldn’t have been cinematically good but my heart wants it.)

Luke didn’t tell Din his name?? Or ask for any details about the kid and his care?? I could literally never let my kid go with someone, regardless of how worthy, and not be like, “Excuse me sir who are you and where tf are you taking my tiny beloved green goblin in case I need to find him? Here is my contact info. He likes to eat frogs and eggs, and he can have macarons as a treat. He’s 50 years old and his favorite toy is still a ball. Bedtime is 8pm and he’s allergic to dairy.”

Another reason I wish Luke had identified himself would be to see the mishmash of reactions that would ensue. Cara would be like DAMN IT’S THAT GUY WHO BLEW UP THE DEATH STAR AND KILLED THE EMPEROR, ACT COOL (and she would indeed act cool). Fennec would be like ugh it’s that guy who helped kill my best paying client Jabba the Hutt and then fucked over my boss Boba, I helped save the kid for THIS? And I would LOVE to know how Bo Katan feels about him, assuming she’s heard of him, and especially if she knows he’s Anakin Skywalker’s son. That confusion is probably the reason WHY the writers didn’t have him reveal himself- they didn’t want to break the emotion of the scene.

Let‘s all be real I’m just being needy about wanting things from Luke because of what he meant to me as a kid and my resulting innate need to have more canon of him, whatever it is, whenever I can get it. Especially in this form that’s so similar to ROTJ, a movie I watched on endless repeat. Even getting this was incredible though. Who else could we trust this lil heart-stealing green bean with so fully? Yet who would be so arrogant as to try to train a baby yodling (see: Ahsoka’s wise refusal)?

R2 is reckless as hell lmao. Not that we don’t already know that, but for him to just head on in, effectively abandoning Luke’s ship (how can they know if there are more troopers or not who might blow it up?) and also putting himself in the path of the ridiculously deadly Dark Troopers is NUTS. I’m usually on his side but he absolutely deserves a scolding by C3PO for this one.

I wonder if Grogu has any memories of R2 or vice versa since they did occupy the Jedi Temple at the same time. Can Grogu understand droids? They could swap stories about mutual acquaintances.

Does Din pretty much have to go with Bo Katan now since a) he’s shown his face and may not be able to go back to the Watch, and b) because he has the darksaber and has to figure out how to get it back to her without dying?

How in the hell did Bib Fortuna (whose chins age was not kind to) go from being butler to being boss? Were all the henchmen just like, “Fuck yeah, no Hutt parents no rules, let’s do what we want!!” And then they’ve spent the last ten years living off of whatever money they could salvage from Jabba’s non-banked wealth? Why has no one challenged them for that prime real estate and loot? I would love to hear that story.

Fennec Shand says “respect sex workers” so you better fuckin’ do it.

Idk dude Bib Fortuna really was a good butler, and he seemed pretty willing to comply with whoever’s in power. Did he screw Boba over in his attempt to return from the dead and earn that killing shot somehow? Or was this to make sure there was no one left who would have a claim to loyalty? Or maybe Boba just really wanted to sit in that chair.

Does “The Book of Boba Fett” mean we’re not on Din Djarin’s story anymore? Or is it a new show? I would much prefer the latter. I want to see Din help retake Mandalore or at least get a hug.

[tthael]

I apologize if you’ve already written about this before, but one thing I’ve been wondering about your Indelicate version of Eddie is in regard to his occasional tendency toward more (for lack of a better/less serious-sounding term) “aggresive” actions (e.g., throwing the lotion bottle, throwing the water, etc.) directed toward Richie. I know it was hinted at that the urges to aggress may sometimes be/have been the result of repressed or misconstrued attraction, but I’m wondering if some of it is also a result of Eddie’s injury and the related feelings of a lack of control over his own body? Like hypothetically, if Eddie were never injured or if we fast-forward to him completely healed, do you think that moments like that would still happen? Or am I just really reading too much into the fic and making up this aspect of it? Hope that makes sense - I just love your characterization of Eddie and I want to make sure I’m understanding as much as I can!

I actually haven’t written about this before, and I think that it’s a good thing that I take the time to meditate on it now, because I don’t want the idea that throwing things at your romantic partner is, like, a good thing.

So a lot of my thoughts on Eddie’s aggression derive from two specific aspects of his portrayal. The first (chronologically in Eddie’s timeline) is the portrayal of Eddie as high-strung, snappy, and verbally combative in IT Chapter One (2017).  Within the last year and a half I saw a post that pointed out that some of Eddie’s aggression--especially in interacting with Richie--probably derives from the high-stress situations of a) being hunted by an alien clown demon and b) being abused at home. I had a college professor discussing a history and trauma class point out that, “Traumatized people don’t always behave well.” There are the usual caveats that explanations are not excuses; however, I think that the constant knowledge that he has to return to Sonia’s house and the persistent alarms telling him when he has to take medication, so that even when he’s apart from her he can’t get away from her interference, means that Eddie’s under high pressure. And then you get to the point where all of the children in Derry are being hunted by an actual monster, and it’s a wonder that Eddie behaves as well as he does, because I certainly wouldn’t.

I usually like to incorporate some of book!Eddie’s dreamy introspection into his internal narrative in Indelicate, and I think that some of his pressures are relaxing now that he’s a) no longer living in a house with Sonia, b) acting specifically in ways that maximize his own agency (going where he wants with whom he wants, eating what he wants, actively rejecting much of her influence). However, he’s still got a lot on his plate, and some habits die hard. This is why I have moments of Eddie waiting with the perfect snappy comeback on his tongue, and then stopping himself because he knows it’s something he doesn’t mean. He doesn’t actually want Richie to never talk again, he loves it when Richie talks, and he’s struggling towards sincerity. I personally have a lot of difficulty letting go of the put-down jokes in favor of being sincere with the people I love, so I thought I’d give Eddie several moments of consciously choosing to be honest and kind with Richie.

The second influence on Eddie’s relationship to physically “lashing out” is his introductory scene from IT (1986), where he’s leaving home and Myra is chasing after him demanding explanations and wailing about how terrified she is. I know that there are lots of analyses of this scene and thoughts on Myra versus Sonia, and I’m not interested in those right now; however, what caught my eye was that Eddie sees Myra’s distress and his first thought is something along the lines of “you might as well hit her”--not that he wants to hit her and he has nothing to lose, but that his causing her emotional distress is as bad as physically abusing his wife. (I can’t recall at the moment whether Eddie’s section comes before or after Bev’s introduction, but I want to say that it’s before, and I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that Bev and Eddie’s very different home lives are contrasted.)

So I thought, that as a boy child without a father, raised and abused by his single mother--and considering his issues with (as I write it) suppressed gay feelings, and the sort of “glass closet” I write him with--Eddie’s concepts of masculinity are probably pretty toxic. I think that in order to maintain control over Eddie, Sonia probably got very emotionally manipulative when he resisted her at all, especially as he got older and taller and physically stronger than her, and that she probably cried out things like “Eddie, you’re hurting me, how can you hurt your mother like this?” and made Eddie feel like the abuser (which is, I’m given to understand, a frequent tactic of abusers: reversing the roles to make the victim feel apologetic and guilty). I’m specifically thinking of the way that Gillian Flynn writes manipulative white women who weaponize white women’s fragility--Adora in Sharp Objects, since that’s actually the only Gillian Flynn book I’ve read so far. I think that Eddie would be very conscious of what he perceives as his capacity to be an aggressor, and it would be one more way that Sonia could keep him docile.

Later, with Myra--and I’m writing Myra more sympathetically in Indelicate than I did in Things That Happen After Eddie Lives, so I’m not interested in getting into the “is Myra abusive?” conversation right now, because I’ve written her both ways--I think that Eddie likely had a sort of learned helplessness about his own agency with Sonia that he then transferred onto his relationship with Myra. In Indelicate, I write him with a lot of reluctance to volunteer any information towards her, or his emotional state, or to make any of his wishes known (frequently she shoots them down as too extravagant, the way that I talked about Eddie’s relationship to money and luxury and Myra refusing a larger bed).

I write Eddie as largely unaware of his attraction to men until his near-death-experience, but only because he did not allow himself to connect the dots between what he thought of as physical symptoms (tunnel vision on hot man in coffee shop = optic nerve impairment, see doctor); but I think that Eddie was profoundly aware of his unhappiness in his marriage and just tried to reason with himself that everyone felt like that, and everyone was miserable and suppressing their own wants and needs, because that’s just what marriage is, and any other approach to his marriage would make him abusive, so Eddie and Myra’s marriage was emotionally volatile and extremely stressful.

Which is to say that Indelicate Eddie is a powder keg when Richie gets to him.

Again, I don’t think that throwing things at your romantic partner is an acceptable mode of interaction and I don’t want any readers to get the idea that that’s the underlying message of Indelicate, because it’s not. The scene with the moisturizer is derived from something that happened to me years ago (I was Richie, the guy I had a crush on was Eddie) involving a wayward Frisbee; the scene where Eddie tries and fails to throw a drink at Richie is derived from an anecdote of the early days of my parents’ marriage (my mother was Eddie), one that my father’s coworkers and boss loved to talk about and his best friend still brings up when they hang out.

However, Eddie’s relationship to physicality is also deeply informed by a tumblr post I saw over a year ago that talked about how Eddie grew up being told that he was fragile and delicate and sickly, and how Richie did not give a shit about any of that and was more than willing to just grapple him. For this fic, I decided to lean into that idea: that Eddie longs to be treated as though he’s solid and healthy and strong, and he finds a lot of relief in Richie <i>not</i> treating him gently. But because Eddie is actually physically injured in Indelicate, Richie is being careful not to break him while also dealing with Eddie’s very real (and largely unvoiced) desire for physical contact. It’s not an accident that at the end of the chapter in which Richie and Eddie have a shouting match that Richie wrestles Eddie to the floor and pins him and blows a raspberry on his belly--which is incredibly juvenile at the same time that it’s a display of Richie’s physical capabilities and Eddie finds that bizarrely attractive.

So, on top of Eddie’s desire for physical contact, his extreme stressors, and his lifetime of maladaptive coping mechanisms--the other thing that I consider when I write his dynamic with Richie is that Richie is not physically intimidated by Eddie at all. This is not because Richie is stronger than Eddie (he is) or larger than Eddie (he is). This is because there was a time in which Richie and Eddie found it perfectly acceptable to grapple each other as a form of interactions, because Richie and Eddie have known each other since they were seven years old. I even like to think that at one point, Eddie was the taller of the two, because Richie hit a really ridiculous growth spurt somewhere around the start of puberty and Eddie was something of a “late-bloomer,” and Eddie silently seethed about it through their entire adolescence.

So when Richie and Eddie lash out at each other--largely Eddie, because I think Richie, with his fear of the werewolf and of losing control and hurting someone--they’re building on sort of a lifetime of informal physicality. Stitchy does something similar in their Richie/Eddie fic where elements of roleplay always appear in their romance, because they were kids who played pretend games together, and when you have a bond like that with someone, it does permanently shape what sort of interaction you do and do not find acceptable. I also included a flashback into childhood where Richie gets angry with Eddie and very deliberately and methodically pushes him down on the ground and Eddie cries, not because Richie physically hurt him (he didn’t), but because it wasn’t in good fun there, that was Richie deciding to throw him around because he knew it would upset him.

So there’s a lot going into Eddie’s physically aggressive responses in Indelicate--the toxic masculinity that dictates the way that men are allowed to express anger and the ways in which they are allowed to touch each other; the profound stress that Eddie has endured for his whole lifetime without getting many better coping mechanisms; the feeling of lack of control of his physical body; a regression to childhood habits; and a deep sense of relief that Richie (being big, strong, and a man) is not vulnerable to him in the way that Sonia convinced him she (and later Myra) were.

I hmm’d and haww’d over a scene in the most recent chapter in which Eddie strikes Richie with an open hand (it’s a little slap on the chest, and I wanted it to come across very like the sort of corrective smack to the back of the head that I can imagine any of the Losers issuing to Richie back in 1989 when he shoots off at the mouth), because that’s not something I’d be comfortable doing to a romantic partner myself. Richie thinks nothing of it and turns it into a dirty joke, but I do need to get more into Eddie’s decision to touch Richie in kind ways in direct refusal of that “you construct intricate rituals that allow you to touch other men” facet of toxic masculinity.

I know it’s a ridiculously long answer, but it’s a serious issue and I wanted to give it the greatest possible consideration instead of writing something flip. Because both the incidents you named (ones I didn’t even realize formed a pattern, to be honest) are drawn from real life, I can’t say that they’re moments that are influenced by Eddie’s physical disability, but I do think they’re more influenced by his emotional state. I also think that as some of his stressors come off his plate and he gets more comfortable having an adult relationship with Richie, he’s going to stop throwing things at him. I even had Eddie stop after throwing the water, not just because it was ridiculous but because he realized how out of line he was in that moment. Recognizing when you’re out of control in an argument is, I find, an important part of self-improvement; and learning to walk away or to reset is a valuable skill.

Thank you so much for reading!

[alexistudies]

hey guys! for those of you who may not know me, I am Alexi (@alexistudies) and the long awaited masterpost is FINALLY here on how I study for Organic Chemistry (which i might have to retake lmaooo but that’s a story for a different time). Now, I don’t get the best grades, as my professor’s exams are ridiculously hard, but I have learned the material enough to teach others. If you’re struggling with how to navigate this mind-boggling course that’s pretty much like learning a new language, this post is for YOU! lets gettin it crackin’

Always start by reading the material BUT don’t go in with a cold read (aka just reading the chapter from start to finish) break it into 2 steps: SQ3R and then fully read.

SQ3R: Survey, Question, Read, Recite, Review

disclaimer: personally i do this method by chapter section so I am not overwhelmed with material!

survey: skim the material. read the titles of the sections and subsections, and glance over the actual material within the chapter. take mental note of weird acronyms you may see or vocabulary that stands out. this will prime your brain for all the information you’re going to get when you go the 3R’s.

question: get some sticky notes and write down questions for each section in the textbook. for example, if you just skimmed the section on “Sn1 Reactions”, write a question down on the sticky note like “what does Sn1 mean? what does its mechanism look like?” and stick it in the corresponding place. even if the section seems direct and you don’t have any questions, create one regardless. This will help the information stick! Don’t worry about answering them just yet.

read: pretty self explanatory but read a section of the textbook. read it twice if things still seem fuzzy after the first read, and this time, go slower. now, there should be a sticky note where you wrote a question during the second part of this process. write the answer in to the question based on your knowledge from your reading. also, feel free to take note of any other things that seem to stand out on this sticky note. again, i do this section by section in my textbook so i don’t get burned out or overwhelmed.

recite: once you’ve done the first three steps for the whole chapter, its time to collect all the sticky notes!!! set them down on a flat surface in their chronological order and get prepared with your notebook/tablet and stylus/etc. now you’ll compile all your sticky notes into reading notes! during this stage, read your sticky notes out loud and supplement your reading notes by copying & annotating examples from the textbook.

At this point, you should have already read and done most of the first step. Now, its time to go back through and really engage with the material. As you skim each section, you’ll answer the questions you wrote on the sticky notes! This is pretty self explanatory, I hope. This will make sure that you engage with the material and not just blankly read it. I’m a person who gets bored with textbook reading fairly quickly, this really helps me. Its okay if you don’t fully understand the concepts during this step because you’re just putting your feet in the water.

Still confused on the material? Have some small concepts you just can’t seem to get yet? Its okay! Now, you’ll get auditory/visual exposure which will probably help. I watch The Organic Chemistry Tutor’s videos whenever I feel stuck and I take notes as I watch the video to ensure I’m really paying attention.

This step is to really see how much you know. Start with examples from the book, as the solutions are usually right there and they will walk you through. Then, move on to practice problems. In my textbook, they have exercises that follow right after most examples to practice that same concept. Once you’ve gone through as many of these as you deem fit, you should do the end of chapter problems! These problems tend to be a little more comprehensive and build on things from previous chapters, while also being more conceptual.

pls do your homework. it will reinforce everything. i’ve realized that the homework is not necessarily what will be covered on the exam, but it’s like ... drills to see if you know the basics. but, this really depends on the professor and what they assign as homework! for me, the homework doesn’t even begin to compare to the complexity of the exams. highlight anything you get stuck on and once you’re done, go back and redo those problems + review that section in your notes and textbook!

Review sheets are a life saver because once exams come around, you have one piece of paper you can study from and you don’t have to carry around all your notes! for ochem specifically, i recommend making a reaction sheet that’s a flow-chart (i.e., if i have these reagents, its going to be a hydroboration reaction). this was something i was hoping to do before my final, but i just burned out and never got to it :(( so i need to practice what i preach either when i retake ochem1 or when i move on to ochem2.

bonus tip!

Ask yourself the following questions when you study.

can you name things? (types of reactions, molecules using IUPAC nomenclature, etc)

can you identify things? (stereochemical relationships between molecules, concepts used in a reaction like markovnikov addition, etc)

can you develop things? (desired products for a reaction, etc)

can you interconvert between things? (from wedge dash > newman projection, chair conformation > newman projection, skeletal structure > fischer projection, reaction > energy coordinate diagram)

Hopefully this helps! I enjoyed making this post because I do enjoy organic chemistry, I just really need to do better in the class next semester and better implement these study techniques (and maybe find new ones that work better)!!

[multsicorn]

book-and-show

My preferred mix of the two canons is basically ‘The Untamed, but Wei Wuxian lost control of his zombies by his own goddamned self, and also plot/logic holes are taped over by explanations from the book when needed and possible.  And we know that wangxian are together and will be married, but we're left with spaces to fill in the details.’  (One of the cool/interesting things about having multiple versions of a canon is that one can mix and match!)  But there are definitely things that I prefer, separately, about each.

[two very long lists.  all of which are all about personal opinions/preferences, and none of which are looking to start discourse!]

Eight Things I liked better about the show:

1. "Who am I to you?"  "I had thought, that you were the one who knew me for my whole life."  "Still, I am." is *twenty zillion times* more romantic than a stolen blindfold kiss, in a way that pretty much encapsulates why I so much prefer show to novel wangxian overall.  And in this TED talk - I mean, in another post, hopefully, in not too long, I will.

2. Lan Wangji's explicit questioning of and overturning his understanding of 'what is right, and what is wrong,' rather than simply being motivated by 'if loving Wei Wuxian is wrong, then screw everything else.'

3. Introducing so very many characters earlier in the chronological timeline, and showing us more about them and their relationships prior to Wei Wuxian's death - and outside of the key moments in which they're involved in the plot.  Wen Qing and Wen Ning, Jiang Yanli, Mianmian, Songxiao, Xue Yang, Meng Yao - this list could also be its own post.

4. More focus on the Sunshot Campaign and its aftermath, pre-death, specifically on the period when Wei Wuxian is the feared necromancer, and he and his loved ones are dealing with that, against a background of war and then possibly more war.  It's by far my favorite part of the narrative, just because of my preferences re: genres, so I appreciate it being foregrounded rather than just a backstory that's shown in flashbacks.

5. The successive confrontations between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji over 'leaving the right path'!  In the courtyard, when Lan Wangji pulls Bichen on Wei Wuxian to make him listen; in the sad umbrella rain, when Wei Wuxian holds Chenqing out in front of him, defying Lan Wangji's efforts to rein him in.  These things probably fall under the umbrella of the TED talk from the first point, but they're the beating heart of WHY I LOVE THIS STORY.  And they're not even in the novel...!  I thank the CQL team for my life.

6. Also, THE COMB STORY.  I'd never have thought either that 'how do we improve an m/m romance novel?  By adding a het romance subplot, of course,' but the fact is that I love the dimension it adds to both Jiang Cheng's and Wen Qing's stories.  Highlighting their shared loyalty to their clans - except not shared, because they're from different clans! - but their shared *understanding* of what righteousness, justice, etc., is, and the way it leads to their tragedies, and the way it's a counterpoint to Wei Wuxian's and Lan Wangji's different and ultimately shared understanding of 'what is right' and the way *that* brings *them* together is just... so good.  I am getting over it approximately never, and, again, it's show-original.

7. And I think the last big thing - other than, the acting's wonderful, imo, the visuals are great, (even the 'bad' special effects? I like 'em kinda ridiculous?), and when the prose-in-translation of all versions is iffy at best, (not judging MXTX's prose! or the scriptwriters'! but I unfortunately cannot read or understand it) it's REALLY NICE to have other major dimensions of the story that aren't lost or diminished in translation.  Honestly, I am only watching cdramas and not reading cnovels (I only read MDZS so I'd know what's in it) for that reason alone.  But in terms of *story* stuff -

8. I think that censoring wangxian's relationship down to the '(really really loud) subtext' level counterintuitively also makes the rest of the story seem considerably gayer.  If wangxian exists in hints and looks and narrative parallels etc., then likewise, so do the 3zun and Yi City triangles.  Not as much as wangxian, but they're more minor characters, and they're on the same continuum... to the extent that I legit thought that songxiao and xiyao would also be novel canon.  (They are not.)  If Wei Wuxian shocking Lan Wangji by showing him gay porn in the library, and commenting on Lan Wangji's beauty, is because he is actually into guys, then maybe Nie Huaisang lending Wei Wuxian that same porn, and also commenting on Lan Wangji's beauty, means the same thing, if that's all we have to go on. etc.

Nine Things I liked better about the book:

1. There's something about Wei Wuxian's narrative voice, the running commentary that he gives about others and most of all himself that is... funny?  Yes, it is, but that's not the part I love.  It's hard to pin down, but the pattern of the things he judges and the things he doesn't judge at all, even though maybe he should, but he really has so much empathy - in the literal sense, I mean, as well as the magical - is very specific and endearing?  He's exactly like that in the show, too, but we hear much less of it when he's not telling the story.

2. Getting to hear A-Qing in her Empathy fleshes out her cleverness and her bravery, again, in a way that's not easy to replicate seeing it from outside of her head.  (I think we may have more of all of the ducklings/juniors, actually, but I'm just not all that interested in their friendly banter.  Not when there's life-rending trauma in the OG of the same story!)

3. From the chronological start of the story, the Wens' domination and power-hunger is portrayed in a realpolitik way that's both more interesting and fits the rest of the story better, with the Jins later filling that same vacuum, and fearing Wei Wuxian's potential to do the same sort of thing to them, etc., as chronologically following and competing different takes on the struggle for power, without any need for the flat fantasy mcguffins of the Yin Iron or the 'spirit snatch.'

4. Wei Wuxian ~appreciating~ Nie Mingjue's dead body parts is hliarious. I love him hanging out with the corpse girls.  I love the Wens risingout of the blood pool for him ;___;.  Overall his relationship withthe corpses that he magics is such a cool weird fun part of the book,that is missing in the show except his friendship with Wen Ning for'let's make a show about necromancy but pretend it's not' reasons.

5. The fact that Wangxian don't split up and go their own ways at the end of the story, even temporarily!  I could go either way on 'Lan Wangji becomes Chief Cultivator' - I like the way that it moves into 'the future will be better than the past, and we'll work to make it that way', in the same way that 'the kids are alright' does, and the fact that Lan Wangji hates diplomacy and is bad at it can make for good amusing stories!  But I also approve of the fact that the personal win condition for so very many of these characters is to peace right the fuck out of sect politics, (like Mianmian our true hero does <3), and I believe in that as a happy ending.

6. Wei Wuxian's and Lan Wangji's complementary ~ravishment~ kinks.  I don't like the exact way they're written in the novel (and extras), but I *will* take and run with the existence of them, nevertheless.

7. The post-resurrection plot makes, um, sense?  Let's not forget the importance of that!  (But, honestly, 'must a plot make sense'?  It's not all that important to me, lol.)   Going from one place to another to collect the pieces of 'our dead friend's' body rather than seemingly at random makes the journey feel purposeful rather than direction-less, and gives an indication of progress that's not simply 'amount of the story read as per chapter count.'  Though it's still not clear to me why the juniors squad needs to be in Yi City!

8. It has more of Wei Wuxian's inventiveness.  Whether founding the Diabolic Path rather than 'just' inventing some tools and talismans within and also outside of it, or figuring out/explaining how some sort of magic works, whether lecturing to the juniors or working it out for himself, or something like that one night-hunting extra where he's being a supernatural consulting detective... it's fun to see more of his ~mind at work,~ in a way that doesn't fit as well either into an audiovisual medium or under the constraints of 'what is happening? definitely not corpse magic!' that censorship imposes.

9. The structure of revealing what happened in (what I can't help thinking of as) the main portion of the plot - who Wei Wuxian is, what his life story is, and Lan Wangji's part in it - through interleaved and not even necessarily in-order flashbacks is... so interesting?  Unfortunately I can't tell how well it would've worked for me in terms of changing my understandings of characters etc., because I watched the show before I read the book, so I came to it knowing the outlines of the story.  But it's a cool idea, and I wish that I could experience it properly!  (Though I would never have read the book without watching the show first, I would've failed out at the start due to translation issues and then if I'd persisted past that due to all the gay chicken stuff.)

[sunflowerchester]

I’ve had on odd relationship with time in 2018. As I look back on events of this year I’ve found that most of them feel like they’ve taken place weirdly out of order. Upon discussing this phenomenon with Rach, I realized we both felt this way. Then scrolling through my feeds on assorted social media I came to the conclusion that a LOT of us feel weird about how 2018 unfolded.

I started this year by losing my Grandma but that feels more recent to me than when I started dating an ex again in August. I visited Anya in Seattle at the beginning of May which feels more recent than when I went to Canada at the end of June. Going to NYC with Rocky at the beginning of June feels like it took place last year as does when Rachael came to visit me this past March. However she also came to visit me last December for my birthday which feels more recent than her March visit??  

When I looked back at my Instagram archive, I couldn’t believe my little cousin’s wedding was just in February, and while I was going through all these twilight-zone-like epiphanies about how distorted time feels in 2018 Thursday morning, I realized it hadn’t even been a week since I was at work last. Which of course felt like a whole other type of surreal, because at that point, I felt like I had been off work for a month.

So as this year winds down I feel this pressure from within me bubbling up telling me to write a year-end retrospective, and while I have been procrastinating the start of whatever this is I’ve been wondering what is it that I want to say, and I think it’s this: In our never-ending desire to already be Where We’re Supposed To Be or to have Learned Our Lesson and Checked That Box, it’s natural to want to close out a year as if it’s the end of a story or a chapter with all the ducks falling behind us nicely in a row, to find meaning in all you’ve experienced within it. But what’s more reasonable to expect is, like this ridiculous wad of tangled up earbuds masquerading as 2018, we are not linear, our journeys are not in a straight line, and neither is our growth or evolution, neither is our story arc. I mean, if time doesn’t even have to adhere to chronological order, why do we feel we have to? And maybe you don’t feel that way (congrats!) but I sometimes box myself in, so therefore sometimes I do.

This was a year where I got to participate in my 2nd Women’s March. I saw one of my favorite bands, The Killers, after missing them for four years. I settled into my apartment and realized I love my apartment (the amount of skyline pictures I post weekly that all seem to look like the exact same picture is proof of that). I got to see Lorde in concert in --like-- the 5th row and definitely cried. I attended rallies and marches for things I believe in even when I had to go alone. I received my 10 year plaque at my job. I voted in multiple elections. I saw Congressman O’rourke speak at least 4 times. I saw Michelle Obama speak. I made it to my 100th ride at spin and I’m still going and still loving it. I started therapy. I got to see Haim with Lizzo in concert across the street from my apartment. I danced with one of my best friends in the rain, then walked to get pizza. I asked an artist I respect, Bo Burnham, a question about a piece of art he created that really meant something to me, Eighth Grade, and he answered it. I got my first tattoo. I said goodbye when my boundaries were breached and I didn’t feel guilty about it. I walked around London by myself. I paid off my student loan. I also saw Paramore in concert and Sir Elton John! I stood on the tallest building in NYC and got to see it as the sun set. I played with other people’s dogs and even got to dogsit from time to time.

I shouldn’t end a year like that feeling I accomplished little just because there was no straight line to be drawn through my “progress,” a term I don’t even really know how to define or why it matters! Sometimes trying to quantify a year (Well, yes I did watch Rent last night, why do you ask?) or figure out What it All Means can diminish an experience rather than highlight it. In the new year, I plan to let myself be what I am, where I am, and how I am, only, and push myself in ways that don’t box me in but allow me to flourish naturally, be it linear or not. (Spoiler: it won’t be linear.)

The warped way 2018 exists in my memory has served as a reminder to me that I don’t have to have it all figured out yet because no one ever does, not even time. You never reach a truly enlightened point in life where you’ve leveled up so far, you no longer struggle. You just get better at adjusting and dealing with what you face when it’s time to face struggle.

I’m ready to say “thank u, next” to 2018 and see what weird time loop 2019 will be.

[klaineanummel]

will drive you mad

anon prompted:  Hi! I absolutely love the 'Story of my life' verse. I do have a prompt. I am a sucker for jealousy. So I would love to read some of that. Maybe Kurt being jealous of attention Blaine gets from another guy or something? I would absolutely love that. But no matter what you write, I look forward to it!

I'm so sorry, in my last fic I said I would be posting something tomorrow, and that was like, over two weeks ago. I got hit with writer's block like nobody's business, and I just couldn't get past it. I finally managed to get something out, though it wasn't the next part I was planning on, but oh well!

This is a missing scene set between the penultimate and final chapter of “Story of My Life”. I’m hoping to post a masterpost for this verse that will include the story in chronological order.

If anybody has any prompts for this verse, be it missing scenes or future scenes, let me know! I’ve got a couple in the works, but as I already said, I’ve had some writers block issues lately, so hopefully some prompts will get me out of it!! Thank you so much to everybody for all your support on this verse <3 I hope you enjoy this latest installment!! Title is from El Tango de Roxanne from Moulin Rouge!

Read on AO3   |   Story of My Life

February 28th, 2024

Kurt needs to start listening to the little voice in his head that tells him things are bad ideas. The older he gets, the louder it is, and he’s pretty sure he just needs to give in and always listen because this?

This fucking sucks.

He sucks on his straw, trying to get any alcohol that may be left at the bottom of his glass into his mouth. His eyes are narrowed, and his lips pursed as he watches Blaine dancing with an absolute giant of a man. Blaine is laughing, and he has his arms raised high up, allowing the man to run his hands up and down Blaine’s sides.

Kurt slams his drink on the bar, then waves the bartender over, quickly asking for another. He turns back to watch Blaine as he waits, glare returning instantly.

He can’t believe this. He can’t believe he agreed to subject himself to this.

Yeah, he’s not entirely sure if these feelings for Blaine are purely physical, a psychological manifestation of him officially giving up, or legitimate, but regardless it still sucks to watch Blaine getting danced up on by some guy who is clearly only looking for one thing.

His new drink is placed before him, and Kurt picks it up, instantly starting to slurp it down. It burns a little, but he ignores it, keeping his eyes glued on the pair on the dance floor.

It’s not like Blaine doesn’t have the right to go out and have random sex with a tall stranger. Really, he has every right in the world to it. Apparently, he’s been keeping himself celibate in his desire to get over Kurt, so it doesn’t surprise Kurt that he’d want to break his streak. Hell, he probably already has, since he’s been so, so over Kurt for three months now.

Still, does he have to do it right in front of Kurt? Is this supposed to further prove just how over him Blaine is?

He gets it; he doesn’t need to be hit over the head with it.

The man whispers something in Blaine’s ear as Kurt sucks down his drink, and Blaine laughs again, shuffling closer to the man. Kurt just glares harder.

He knew the minute Blaine asked him if he wanted to come out dancing that he’d regret it. Blaine claimed they needed a “single guys” night out, to take a break from all the wedding craziness. Of course, as much as he knew he’d probably have to sit through something exactly like this, Kurt couldn’t say no, because it’s Blaine, and even before this stupid attraction and these stupid feelings hit him, he’d never been able to say no to him.

Well, except for the billion and two times that he’d rejected him. But he spent enough time torturing himself about that, he didn’t need to go down that rabbit hole tonight.

He taps his fingers against his once-again-empty glass, lips pressed tightly together as the man starts to press kisses up Blaine’s neck. Blaine’s eyes flutter shut, and it makes Kurt’s stomach flip in an entirely unpleasant way.

For some reason, the sight of Blaine like this causes him to flash back to that New Year’s Eve all those years ago, when Blaine angrily screamed at him that he’d been kissed by boys and fucked by boys. Kurt watches Blaine and this man, unable to look away, wondering exactly how many boys he’d been fucked by. The number must be much higher now. Blaine’s grown up into the most beautiful man on the face of the earth, and Kurt knows that he isn’t the only person aware of that.

He sucks on his straw, not really getting anything. He wonders how many boys – how many men – Blaine has fucked.

He’s sure this giant will be added to the list by the end of the night. Kurt’s upper lip curls up in disgust at the thought of it.

He has no right to be upset about it, since he has no intention of taking Blaine home tonight, no matter how much the alcohol in his brain is begging him to. He knows it wouldn’t be right, or fair to do that.

Still, just because he’s not going to, that doesn’t mean someone else should, right?

He drops his glass on the counter, shaking his head at himself. He’s being stupid, and utterly ridiculous.

Struggling a little, he manages to stand up off the barstool and throw several bills next to his glass, hoping it’s enough to cover the drinks he’s consumed. He then makes his way as efficiently as he can to where Blaine is still getting his neck sucked on by that freaking tree.

“Hey,” Kurt says, probably too loud, even in the middle of the dance floor. “Hey, Blaine.”

Blaine’s eyes open, and he shifts his neck away from the man, though he doesn’t stop dancing with him. “Hey, Kurt!” he greets, instantly grinning.

Kurt gives him a tight smile in return and says, “I think I’m going to head out.”

Blaine raises an eyebrow and smirks teasingly. “Found somebody already?”

Kurt shakes his head. “No, I’m just. I’m tired. I’m going to go.”

Blaine watches him for several moments, the movements of his body stopping. He then nods decisively and steps out of the mans hold. “Okay. Let’s go then.”

Kurt’s eyes widen, and he says, “No, you don’t have to come,” at the same time as the man says, “Hey, what, don’t leave!”

“Yeah, I should come,” Blaine says. He turns to the man and says, “Sorry. Thanks for the dance, though!”

The man looks incredibly disappointed, but nods and then shuffles off, keeping his eyes on Blaine as he goes, clearly upset at not getting to take things further.

Blaine doesn’t seem to notice. He claps Kurt on the shoulder and says, “Come on, it’s getting too hot in here anyway.”

He starts to head toward the club’s exit, briefly stopping at the coat check to get their things. Kurt follows him silently, thoughts going a million miles an hour.

It’s only when they’re fully outside the club, wrapped in their winter gear, that he manages to find his voice.

“Why didn’t you stay? You clearly had something good going with that guy.”

Blaine shrugs, tucking his scarf into his jacket. “Didn’t feel like it. Tonight was supposed to be about you and I hanging out, anyway, and I barely got to do that. I’d rather go back to your place and play Uno or something.”

“Than get laid?” Kurt asks, unbelieving, a stupid bit of hope fluttering in his chest.

Blaine chuckles. “Believe it or not, not everything is about sex, Kurt.” He puts his hands in his pocket and starts to walk in the direction of Kurt’s apartment. “Haven’t you ever just wanted to hang out with a friend?”

Despite everything, Kurt can’t help but smile.

He feels a little stupid for how… well, stupid he’s been acting all night. This isn’t some guy he just met and is desperately crushing on. This isn’t an ex-boyfriend, or someone he’s keeping things casual with.

This is Blaine.

“Yeah,” Kurt says, unable to stop himself from linking his arm through Blaine’s. “Especially when that friend is you.”

Blaine grins up at him. “Aw, you flatterer.” He cuddles in closer to him, shivering a little from the cold. “You’re gonna make me think you like me or something.” His eyes sparkle with the tease of it, and Kurt’s heart warms.

You have no idea how much he thinks, smiling down at Blaine, and tugging him even closer.

[likeaguardianangel-archive-blog]

send an ask: get to know your author: Answer them all please :D

omg xD honestly. why this? i can’t haha.

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

Not that I know of? I feel like I get the urges to write certain subjects and then I look around eagerly and hope that someone will like it enough to write it with me. I haven’t purposely held off on too much. Although I guess I do hold of on M/F couples with Barry sometimes, though it’s not really about the story and more about what I’ve said in #2.

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

Oh god. I get embarrassed so easily. I’m probably most embarrassed by any smut I’ve written. Because I always feel like such an impostor. I know so little about it in truth, haha. I’m always like ‘oh god, I am this virgin over here who really doesn’t know how that shit feels’ and then like dramatically flop on my bed or something. So I guess those types of things I get embarrassed by easiest, as I am the kind of person who can write words like dick or cock or whatever, but saying it aloud gets me all flustered. It’s truly embarrassing.

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

Usually I just write from what I read first, the first paragraph and go from there. Sometimes though, if my rp partner said such a good line that my muse was like ‘omg I have to say /this/’ then I start from there and work my way through the post backwards. But that doesn’t happen super often. Usually it’s just the first to last strategy.

4) favorite character you’ve written

I think that’s a tough choice. Like, I’ve written so many characters, and I’ve loved them all for very different reasons. But since I’ve been missing this one particular character lately, I’m going to say him: Jacques Crevette. He was originally a character from a Disney RPG, a personified version of the shrimp from finding nemo. I know, you’re probably looking at me right now like: why such an obscure character?? The thing is, they had an awesome skeleton for this character, featuring the ability to heal via touch, and I thought that was so so fascinating. It’s really funny, because the skeleton originally said this character would be aloof etc., but my muse sort of became its own thing. A bouncy, energetic, people loving character that liked to sing when he was happy, but also sing when he was having a tough time. He was an interesting muse. I think the fact is he was so weird, and to me it feels I developed that character from the ground up and I am incredibly proud of him. I miss him something fierce.

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing

Well, I was surprised that I ended up writing Barry. For a while there I really didn’t think I would be doing that. But I also think...okay so there was this intense character in this fandom I was in (les mis), and i would have the desire to write him (Enjolras), but I was so so so incredibly intimidated by the idea of writing him. Like, I was sure that my take on him would be so terrible and it would end up being this horrible disaster. Honestly, a lot of muses I took up from the les mis fandom were like that. I lack confidence sometimes. It’s how I am.

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now

I’m not sure. I try not to go back and look too often because I tend to be pretty self-conscious about what I’ve written. I have anxiety so it’s not very productive for me to take a look at what flaws I can find. I know what I want to do better with (description), and for me that is more than enough.

7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

Wellll. I say I write, but I can never say what I write or really who I write with. My mom used to put down my rping a lot when I was growing up, so I’ve learned to just...keep what I write to myself, even when I’m really excited about what I’ve been writing. No one really knows that I rp and that’s kind of how I think it’ll stay tbh.

8) favorite genre to write

Oh man. I love a little bit of the romantic comedy sorts of elements, but also angst/drama. Fantasy is always fun (dragons guys. Dragons are the fucking best). Really anything that is missing a bit of realism is great. I mean come on guys, I write The Flash. I love the superpowers and the ridiculousness in some ways.

9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

Sometimes I go to Netflix and I do a rewatch of the Flash. Usually it’s like the sad episodes where Barry cries (admit it: he’s beautiful when he cries), but sometimes it’s episodes like the Duet one which is just fun. So fun. And then other times if it doesn’t need that much of a push, just my own motivation, I pull up my spotify playlist for Barry and I listen and let the words that I think fit him wash over me and help me get writing.

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

I can do either one. Honestly I write with my family in the living room at times, and others I write while I’m in my room alone. Really that doesn’t matter to me as long as no one invades my personal space with it.

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

I think I’ve improved some of my writing of dialogue? Honestly, Barry is such a talkative character, it’s really been a focus for me to work on intonation and emphasizing certain words based on how he’s feeling. So I think that I’ve gotten a bit better with that? I don’t know, that’s the best I can come up with.

12) your weaknesses as an author

Dear god I mean....I think I write too much in my character’s thoughts and not enough of actions or what’s going on at that same time. Honestly that’s what’s been bothering me the most. I’ve been trying to improve that but we’ll see how that goes.

13) your strengths as an author

Ummm....that I’m willing to go in so many different directions? Idk that I can write decent dialogue, and I think that the characters I do choose to actually put out there have such strong personalities. I might struggle in description, but I do make up for it with their thoughts and what I think would impact them the most. Is that a strength? I feel like it is.

14) do you make playlists for your current wips?

I make playlists for muses as a whole. So I have a Barry Allen playlist, a Steve Rogers playlist, etc. And then I have a couple of ship playlists and that kind of thing. I don’t ever base it on a thread, but I do on characters and their relationships.

15) why did you start writing?

Well my friend introduced me to an rp thing when I was like...11? at the time I was god awful, but I really enjoyed it and I would see some talented writers who were doing so much more at the time, more in depth, paragraphs and all and I wanted to be able to get to that point. I am, perhaps on occasion competitive for the weirdest reasons. The first few things of writing were like horse based or hp based, but I think when I got to HP stuff, I wanted to be able to write things that the books or movies just didn’t cover. I wanted to be able to put voice to things that could have happened but didn’t.

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

Haunt me? Oh god yes. I did a horrible, truly horrible take on Lucifer from SPN. I just...the directions I went make me really mad at myself. Like just...no. no no no no no. I’m scarred just thinking about this. Ugh god help me but I was so fixated on a thing back then. I refuse to be like that. Yikes. Just. Yeah. Lucifer. Even thinking it is embarrassing, so I just don’t want to go any further in detail there.

17) if you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?

I would tell myself not to push myself before I was ready. Not to throw myself in the adult world before I really knew what I was doing. When I was thirteen I was already writing smut and stuff which is just...I shouldn’t have. You see the stuff about illegal and all now, but nobody was making a big deal out of it at the time. But I think I could have benefited just...not doing that until I for sure was ready.

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

Ummm. I’m not sure? I think maybe the Percy Jackson books a little bit in terms of the snarky little thought process of the character and the way that’s done. Ummm....I don’t really know how to describe my writing style so I’m not sure if certain works did influence me like that. There’s that novel the Things They Carried which has a unique way of describing things and thinking. Maybe something from there, Harry Potter without a doubt as that is a huge influence. Maybe some Tolkien? Eragon? I don’t know man.

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

Well, if it’s really complex I end up opening a word doc, as I have a super organized rp partner who did it long before I did. And since they influenced me there, I now write up timelines if I feel like I need to remember/mark it down. I honestly haven’t done that with anything on here yet. I probably should. But you know. Whatever. The point is yes. Google docs if I need to organize things.

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

It depends on the day and the mood. Sometimes I can just sit down and whack out multiple replies and keep at it. Other times I write one or two and then say ‘good job Lena, you done enough today’ and go read. It really depends.

21) what do you think when you read over your older work?

I cringe. Honestly that’s just the way I am. I can’t look back on stuff too often for that reason.

22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

Yeah. I can’t write anything about space/outer space or throw any of my muses in that sort of setting. I also can’t handle other people writing excessively detailed gore? It’s like, if I don’t have the control on what gore it is and how it’s done I just...I feel sick and I can’t do it and I overthink about it. Like one time another writer killed off my muse’s husband, and the way they did it (without consulting me on that particular way of dying) well it had my nauseous for weeks. I think most anything else I can write if we talk about it, but those two things are iffy for me.

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

I feel like my brief tenure in an apartment has helped me a little in context of thinking of how some of my muses would live etc. Before that I only had the vaguest idea of how people handle apartment living. Haha. I know, it’s helpful to experience shit. I can’t think of much else.

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

Yes. Actually for a thread me and @keeperoftheliars were doing, or are still doing I think technically. I like...look. The reason I originally wasn’t going to do Barry is cause I don’t science. I feel kind of bad for leaving the science out a lot of times but so does the show. They often forget to demonstrate Smart Barry who is in fact a CSI etc. Anyway, I’m digressing, but Barry had to talk about fingerprinting criminals, and to my immense displeasure, I did research what would happen if people damaged their fingerprints in often gruesome ways and what would be done about that. Unpleasant. For my writing of Steve Rogers, I read up a lot on the different illnesses that he had, on how he would have lived in the past, in order to understand what things he might still do today, out of habit, or out of respect for that time period. Yeah, I definitely research where I can on subjects I don’t fully grasp.

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of

(okay so this is a few paragraphs, but i really really enjoyed this starter)

As was becoming the frustrating norm, Barry just wasn’t fast enough. Zoom had an insane strength to him, only bolstered by Barry’s own speed. The loss of his father had caused something in him to shatter. The hatred towards the other speedster fueled Barry, but as he chased the other through his city, he knew that that hatred alone wouldn’t help him stop the guy. But it pushed him forward anyway.

Barry had shut off his coms half an hour into this ridiculous race with Zoom. He knew what his friends and family wanted. They wanted to work together to handle him. But Barry had lost enough in this fight to want them to have nothing to do with it. The man had been monstrous enough to kill Barry’s father right in front of him. He likely wouldn’t stop to think about his feelings with anyone else important to him.

He couldn’t watch another person he loved die. And, admittedly, he was still slightly bitter about the fact that his friends had locked him in the pipeline to keep him from going after Zoom. He kept running, twisting past cars and trees and chasing after Zoom, always chasing. He had never had a moment where he had come close to equaling the other’s speed.

At some point though, it seemed Zoom tired of simply having Barry chase him around, and before Barry knew it, the other darted out towards the speedster. catching him completely by surprise, the other speedster’s punch hitting him in the stomach and sending him flying backwards. The lucky thing: he didn’t crash into any cars or civilians. The unlucky: he collided with a very solid wall, not having had the time to ready himself to phase through it as he could have.

Everything ached. And Zoom was there a moment later, grabbing him by his throat and lifting him up, seemingly delighted by the power he held over Barry. Barry managed to get a few hits in, and found them running again, though this time it barely went another block before he was sprawled on the ground in the park. He groaned, forcing himself to his feet as he tried to prepare himself for the next blow.

[workoutwithlola]

Check out my new blog post: When biscuits turn you into an anxious mess

When I used to walk into a supermarket (in fact, any shop that sold any kind of food applies here), something very strange would happen; I would suddenly become this anxious, nervous, already-guilty-feeling mess, who couldn’t even be confident in the belief that she would have total control over her actions for the duration of the time spent in the shop. I tried to avoid walking through certain aisles and I tried positive self-talk, verbally confirming to myself that I was strong enough to resist the ‘urges’ all around me.

It made me feel pathetic.

Have you ever been in a meeting, or some kind of formal, or semi-formal event, at which food is present? For example, some polite offerings of pastries and biscuits spread aesthetically across the table at which you’re sat, in quantities clearly more than necessary for the number of people attending.

In situations like these, people tend to fall into two main categories. There are those who simply register the food, take what they would like and move on. Then there’s us; those of us whose brains can apparently no longer function properly. Those of us who, in such situations, are no longer concerned with the topics being discussed, the claustrophobic temperature of the room or the annoying voice of that woman who won’t stop interrupting people. None of those things seem to be able to penetrate through the suffocating urge to reach out and take a silly little biscuit.

So why not just take one and stop behaving like a lunatic?

“But what if someone sees me? What if someone judges me? Well, no one judged – or even looked at – Mark when he reached out and took 2 pastries and a Custard Cream… but Mark isn’t currently spiralling in a food-related anxiety hole… but they don’t know that, so why would they look at you? They would because… they just would! And then everybody would think I’m pathetic and fat. What?! I don’t know. Ahhhhh!”

– A conversation I had with myself, in my own head, before realising that, due to my obsession with the food in front of me, I had no idea what was being discussed in the meeting and would now have to very awkwardly try to avoid being asked any questions.

To some, this might all sound a bit ridiculous; and I wouldn’t blame them for thinking it. Part of the reason this kind of thinking causes so much anxiety is because of how ridiculous it makes you feel. Torn up and in a state over biscuits? Please!

But, as those who can relate to this know, it doesn’t make it any less real, and it doesn’t make it any less difficult to deal with.

In his book, The End of Overeating, David Kessler discusses this exact situation and points out that there are actually a fair few people out there who suffer with the same issues. If you read his book, it’s easy to see why it’s so common. I read his book in an effort to end my overeating, and it sure did help. However, I would suggest taking a multi-pronged approach to this one.

In my quest to take control of my eating habits, in chronological order, I have:

Done a great deal of recreational drugs

Dieted

Eaten whatever I wanted

Practised self-discipline

Gave up refined sugar for a month to prove to myself what I was capable of

Practised balance

Seen a therapist to deal with the underlying issues

Practised self-love

Tried to join forces with friends who suffer from similar issues

Given up

Started again

Read that book

Blamed the food industry

Accepted that I would ‘always be this way’

Rejected that acceptance

Counted and tracked every morsel of food

Given up again

Started up again

Tried saving ‘naughty’ foods for just around my workouts

Taken a year-long nutrition programme, but disregarded half of what I learnt

Studied nutrition coaching, with the same company that provided the programme

Actually put into practice the habits I learnt on the nutrition programme

Provided nutrition coaching, using the same programme I participated in

The items in bold are the things that have actually contributed towards my progress. I would recommend skipping the other tactics.

Note: Therapy may or may not be necessary for you. My struggles with food are deep-rooted and stem from childhood emotional trauma. If you are in any way curious as to whether your struggles have developed from deeper-rooted issues, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist.

Moving forward

I still struggle during abnormally stressful times, such as time-of-the-month, over-tiredness and bouts of unanticipated, extreme anxiety (I recently allowed my partner to consume an entire family size bar of chocolate in one go, just so that I didn’t have to be around it and feel anxious – not my proudest moment). This is okay though – every event like this is feedback; a chance to learn more about myself and how I can continue to progress.

But for the most part, I finally feel like I’m in control.

The best outcome of all of this is not the fact that I am finally in control and no longer feel like every waking moment is spent stressing about food – although that sure is a blissful feeling of relief – but that I can now apply my experience and the knowledge it has provided me with, to helping others complete the same transformation that I have.

Pretty flipping win.

If you’ve had enough of feeling like I felt, get in touch. Let’s make you the boss of your own life again!

Thanks for reading, you little beauties!

The post When biscuits turn you into an anxious mess appeared first on Workout With Lola Fitness and Nutrition Coach.

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