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salixsociety · 5 months ago

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Inquiring Into Orthodoxy

On first services, what to expect, and good etiquette.

A few times now I've found myself writing preposterously long messages about the very beginnings of being an inquirer into Orthodox Christianity. I'm passionate about helping those with such disorders as social anxiety or autism feel more confident attending their first service and, potentially, laying the foundations for catechism, so I am writing this in the hope that I can direct people to this post, instead of preparing my poor arthritic fingers for a 2000 word message.

Glossary at the bottom of the post.

My 'credentials':

I went through the process of inquiry, catechism and baptism/chrismation as an adult in a foreign country. I suffer from various physical and psychological disabilities that give me social anxiety and make me sensitive to novelty and change. Still, I did it and enjoyed it!

Admittedly, my catechism was much shorter than most, as I ended up being baptized in a sort of emergency situation. I will not speak much on catechism for that reason on my blog, and this post will focus on inquiry and your first few services.

So, orthodoxy has piqued your interest!

Finding Orthodoxy and developing an interest in it is exciting, but as quickly as the excitement came, can it go, when you discover that unlike protestant denominations, it is hard to dive head-first into. Theoretical and historical knowledge abounds, but the practice is community based, initiatory and generally not open to 'outsiders'. Figuring out how to dip your toes in can seem daunting, as most resources are geared toward people already actively looking to convert. And perhaps even more importantly, the (seemingly) grave and deeply mystical tradition feels unapproachable. Hopefully the following information will help you find direction and feel more comfortable in how you proceed!

The very humble beginnings

Step one, for one's own benefit, should be a little homework. Assuming you haven't yet, it's good to read up on things like:

The norms and values of Orthodoxy;

How Orthodoxy differs from your (former) religion;

The history and cultural role of Orthodoxy;

The primary denominations within Orthodoxy.

This will orient you slightly in your process of familiarizing yourself. For example, if the Orthodoxy that sparked your interest was Russian Orthodoxy, you don't want to accidentally attend a Coptic church - you won't know what hit you. It will also allow you to start deciding whether Orthodoxy really is for you, and see how it and its values match up with your lifestyle and ideals.

When you've learned about the concept of Orthodoxy, the next step is to look around for a church near you. To become Orthodox, you rely on a parish and a priest - being an ancient religion it is inseparable from community. Don't focus too much on what kind of church you go to for your first few services. It's of little consequence in the long run, as long as it falls in the broad category of the Orthodoxy you're wanting to convert to. The difference between Greek, Russian and Antiochian, which are all Eastern Orthodoxy, is fairly minimal compared to the difference between Russian and Coptic or Ethiopian and Syriac!

Your first Services

There is some merit in choosing your very first service wisely. They have different meanings, lengths, activities and levels of laity participation. I will take the different Eastern Orthodox services as an example list here, because it is the most accessible form of Orthodoxy in the USA and Europe, but you can research the services of the other big denominations as well if you are attending those churches, to decide which one you should go to first.

Common Types of Eastern Orthodox Church Services:

Matins/Orthros: A morning service of about an hour to an hour and a half, dedicated to glorifying the triune God. Traditionally held before dawn and glorifying the light of Christ, it is now held at various times during the day and often serves to lead up to liturgy. Normally held only on sunday and feast days in parishes, but held every day in monasteries.

Vespers: Evening service traditionally held at sunset, preparing the laity for the evening and glorifying the providence of God. Most parishes hold vespers on wednesdays, fridays, and saturdays.

Liturgy: The primary worship service on Sunday. Normally held in the morning, it is the most important service to most Orthodox Christians.

Note that despite this incredibly simplified breakdown, Orthodox worship is very complicated. There are many many services that are held daily in monasteries, that are grouped together into clusters that can be held daily or a few times a week. Service times also differ across jurisdictions and parishes, and the entire worship structure changes throughout the year!

Thankfully, you will not have to spend hours reading liturgical history to figure out how and when to attend. Most churches will have a website with a schedule!

So how do I know which service to attend? Depends! For most inquirers, liturgy is the most popular choice. It is generally attended by the most people, and gives you a taste of everything all the other services have. Sacraments, glorification, hymns, entrances, everything! However, if you are looking for a quieter and more accessible service to attend, vespers can be a great choice. There are no sacraments, just glorification and litanies!

Preparing for the service, and LGBTQ+ problems

If you want to make a good impression, it will be worthwhile to consider things like what you wear, and what you'd like to learn. Let's talk about what to wear, because it can be a sensitive matter to decide what to wear. The Orthodox church is fairly heavily gendered, and there aren't many churches geared toward LGBTQ+ people. To keep things simple and welcoming, I will not use the strongly gendered language the Orthodox church might, as despite my activity within the church, I am queer myself and care about my LGBT siblings. Henceforth we will speak of feminine- and masculine-presenting people! How you interpret that is up to you: you can pick one to stick with, or pick a new one every day. Or even find a happy medium!

When choosing what to wear, it is important to realize two things. One: that you are not Orthodox yet, and therefore not expected to live up to any standards. Two: that Orthodoxy is not about following a set of laws or meeting a standard set by, for example, clergy or fellows, but rather about doing what brings you closest to God, to the best of your ability. Once you are Orthodox you may run into people who expect you to adhere to certain prayer rules, fasting habits or clothing standards like they're laws, but that is an innately unorthodox way of acting. When one is sick or overworked they are not blamed for not attending church, when fasting actively takes away your wellbeing you are not blamed for not doing so. In much the same way, if dressing a certain way makes you unhappy, you are not obliged to do so. There is, however, etiquette, and then the entirely separate matter of tradition.

Proper attire.

For the sake of not being rude, it is preferable that attendees, Orthodox or not, dress modestly and presentably. It is meet to be clean when you arrive, and to ensure your shoulders, knees, and stomach are covered. You don't have to dress formally, just dress as you would to meet acquaintances. You may want to consider wearing shoes that aren't too hard to put on and take off, as some churches will prefer you to take your shoes off! Socks are also pretty handy, in that sense. Tile floors are cold.

Traditional attire.

As you aren't yet Orthodox in any capacity, this is not required for you to adhere to in any way. For your second or third service, however, you may feel a need to fit in, and that's where traditional attire comes in. For feminine-presenting people, it is common to wear skirts or dresses (over the knee) rather than pants. Pants are permitted however, but 'informal' pants such as denim, shorts, etc, are discouraged. Opt for dressy pants!A head covering is also common, symbolic or not. Depending on what kind of church you go to, you may see anything from a small crocheted circle to a full scarf. Head coverings are not required! The standard for modesty means it is preferred that attendees do not wear overly tight clothing, overly flashy clothing, ostentatious jewelry, etc cetera.

Masculine presenting people are expected to be clean and modest as well. So the same rules apply: opt for humble, slightly formal wear. Make sure shoulders, knees and torsos are covered, and your clothing isn't meant to make a statement.

Standards for what is 'formal' can differ region to region. Here in Alaska, nice clean jeans are considered very much formal, maybe even exceptional (I don't even own a pair of unstained jeans). A nice sweater and clean jeans is perfectly acceptable here, but may be considered insufficient somewhere else. At the same time, because of the amount of Russian influence in Alaska, a full head covering is considered much more important than it may be in other places. Keep that variability in mind when you decide what to wear!

Attending the service

There are many questions about attending a service. When do I arrive? Who do I greet? Can I bring anyone? Where do I sit/stand? What are good manners? When do I cross myself? Can I participate? Who will talk to me? What can I expect? Let's take these one by one.

When do I arrive?

The short answer is: on time. Most people will enter the church a few minutes before the service starts, but you may notice people keep streaming in as the service goes on. As an inquirer, nobody will judge you for arriving at variable times or being uncertain of when to come. It would be best for you to arrive a minute or two early, or right as the service starts - but nobody minds you coming in a few minutes late.

Who do I greet?

If you're arriving shortly before the service, you can greet whoever you want. People will probably say hi and good day to you, and may even make small talk. This is a great opportunity to ask where to sit or stand, and anything else you may want to know. If you're walking in as the service is already happening, save for the people singing, everybody will be quiet. You should be too! Don't go chatting people up, but you may get whispered hellos and instruction.

There is also the matter of greeting icons! Orthodox churches are usually divided into a few sections. Here is an example of a Russian Orthodox church:

Note the 'narthex', the room in which you enter! In the narthex there is commonly an icon of Christ to the right of the entrance to the nave (the church proper), and the Theotokos to the left of it. These icons are normally greeted by the assembled faithful, as it is their house, and it is polite to greet your host! Reflecting this, most Orthodox people will perform the following, first before Christ, then before the Theotokos: they cross themselves twice or perform two metanoias, kiss the icon or bow to it, and then cross themselves or perform a metanoia once more. Usually the kissing is on the bottom of the icon, because kissing the feet of your host was good manners in Christ's day. You may greet and venerate these icons too! You can perform the full metanoias, or you can simply bow or kiss your right hand and press it to the icons. The latter are much less daunting, and just as respectable! NOTE: do not kiss icons when you are wearing lip balm or lip makeup! This can damage the icons, which are usually very expensive and handmade.

Can I bring anyone?

Yes! You may bring anyone you like, including children. Adults should adhere to the same manners you do to the best of their abilities, of course, but anybody is welcome. Children are expected to be kept in check, but they are certainly not shunned. Just make sure that if you have small children that cry, you step into the narthex or step outside for a moment until they are quiet again, so as to not disturb the other faithful.

Where do I sit or stand?

If your church has seating it will most likely be along the walls of the church, so sit there! If there is no common seating, which is not unusual, stand in the back, where you can still see well! Where you want to stand may differ a bit parish to parish, so feel it out! Just don't stand in the way of others. For example, if you're not singing, don't stand next to the sheet music. If you are disabled and can't stand, but there's no benches, look around. There may be one or a few chairs in the back of the church for the elderly and disabled. If there aren't any, consider requesting it of the priest after the service ends.

What are good manners?

I think I will divide this section into two parts: 'etiquette', the things you really ought to do, that are polite and respectful and the bare minimum, and 'brownie points'; things that are not necessary at all, but very impressive, considerate and cool!

Etiquette:

Do not disturb others. Turn your phone on silent, do not accept calls in the church, don't talk out loud in the nave during the service, and if you are spoken to or asking somebody a question (which is okay!), speak quietly. Please step outside with crying children, et cetera.

Be polite. Be nice to the other faithful, don't cuss, don't start arguments or debates in the church, don't ask invasive personal questions, handle the possessions of the church with care.

Do not eat or drink in the church unless it's consumables that were handed to you during the service.

Be patient. Orthodoxy is ritualistic and mystical, and sometimes that gets in the way of things happening quickly or practically.

Try to accept things that are given to you. People may hand you blessed bread or similar items. If you for some reason cannot consume what is handed to you, kindly and gratefully decline. If you do receive/accept it, be sure to consume it while inside of the church. Bringing blessed bread outside of the church is very rude!

Stick to the back of the church. In the above picture of a church layout, you can see a wall titled the iconostasis, in front of which are steps on which the choir may be placed. Those steps are called the solea, and as a visitor and inquirer you should under no circumstance step on or past them!

Be reverent. Understand that to the people around you, the place you are in is utterly sacred and the very house of God. Let your actions reflect that you know this, by showing interest, respect, and appreciation.

Brownie Points:

Cross yourself when you enter the nave and at other appropriate moments (as described below).

Stand for the Gospel and the Nicene Creed. The Gospel is announced before it starts, and the Nicene Creed, when in English, starts with: "I believe in one God, the Father Almighty..."

If you arrive late, do not enter the nave or sit down if the priest is not in the sanctuary (e.g. he is instead on the solea, or walking through the church).

Incline your head to the priest when he is walking past you or censing in your direction.

Don't cross your legs or arms, and stand up straight when you are standing.

When and how do I cross myself?

The how-to is simple, but different than you may be used to. Bring together the thumb, index and middle finger of your right hand, as though you're grabbing a pinch of salt.

This represents the trinity, and the posture of your fingers is a prayer of itself! Bring your hand to your forehead, then your abdomen, then your right shoulder, and finally your left shoulder. If you want, you can bring it to the middle of your chest after the left shoulder, but it's not necessary.

You cross yourself upon entering the nave, upon exiting it, and every time the trinity is mentioned. That's the universal minimum of sorts. Everything else depends on the parish you're in. So do what others are doing! Cross yourself when you see others collectively doing it, and look for the patterns in when they do so. You'll have it down in no time!

Can I participate?

Yes you can!! But not in everything. As a visitor, you are welcome to participate in pretty much everything but the sacraments. If others are singing or praying, you can sing and pray along, for example. In fact, many parishes will have booklets with explanations, sheet music and text for you to be able to follow along and learn. You are also welcome to receive blessings from the priest during the service, and kiss the gospel book. You can wait for a line to form when these things happen, and witness how others do it. If you feel confident, go ahead and join the line! You can also prostrate, bow, and perform metanoias when others do so, and touch the robes of the priest if he makes the great entrance. Follow along with the others if you feel like it, but it is also perfectly okay to stand in the back and simply witness.

Who will talk to me?

Upon entering, you may be greeted and guided by some of the laity, whether they are just assembled faithful, or clergy/monastics. After the service ends, there are normally announcements by the priest, and this is when he may notice you and encourage you to introduce yourself! After the announcements the priest normally comes up to you to chat a little.

Engaging with a priest appropriately.

When a priest approaches you there are some manners to adhere to. You should address the priest with 'Father', not 'sir' or anything else. Example: 'Nice to meet you, Father!' or: 'Father [Name], what time does liturgy start next sunday?'

Greeting him should be done with respect for his role in the church! A 'good morning, father', goes a long way. If the priest stretches out his hand, it is not for you to shake it. He does it so you can kiss the back of his hand, so that he can bless you! Simply take his hand and kiss the back of it. If you want to do it the way the Orthodox do it, you should support your right hand with your left hand, and hold his hand that way, like this:

While you are kissing his hand, the priest will make the sign of the cross over your head as a blessing.

Other than that, engage with the priest as you would with anyone else. He's human too!

After the service

On sundays after liturgy, you may be invited to join the parish in a separate building for a shared meal or some sort of coffee hour! This is a great opportunity to meet the laity, ask questions about the service, talk to the priest about further inquiring, and enjoy some fasting-friendly food! However, if that sounds like too much for one day, you will not be blamed if you opt out.

After other services, the laity just goes home and goes about their day.

Attending more services and becoming a formal inquirer

After your first experience, reflect on what you saw and felt! Did you like it? Do you want to try some other churches? Would you like to attend more? All of these options are valid paths to explore.

If you choose to attend more services at the same church, the priest may ask you if you have intentions of becoming a catechumen, a student getting ready to be baptized. You should have an open and honest conversation with the priest, and saying "I'm still thinking about it," is totally okay. In the weeks or months to come you'll likely have many talks with the priest, as he is partially responsible for your life in the church, even if you aren't Orthodox or even a catechumen yet.

As you attend more, it's recommendable to attend more different services as well. Orthros and liturgy, and then perhaps vespers, orthros and liturgy, et cetera. Try on different routines and see how they feel! Also start trying to become a more and more active participant. Learn about the patron saints of your parish, get to know the other faithful, venerate the icons, light candles, sing along, et cetera! It's rewarding and exciting, even if it is also nerve-racking.

Glossary

Baptism and Chrismation:

A service dedicated to joining you to the body of Christ. It washes away your sins, and then anoints you so you may receive the Holy Spirit. It is the first of seven Sacraments.

Blessing:

A blessing is hard to synopsize in a few words, but it is essentially a good wish to you from somebody else, or making you or an item more 'holy'. Read this for a more in-depth examination!

Catechism (cat-uh-kizm):

A period of being a student where you are orally taught about Orthodoxy, in preparation for your baptism and your life in the church.

Censing:

The act of ritually dispersing incense smoke. Usually done with a censer, a special tool for censing.

Church:

Used in many contexts. The church is the collective, organized Orthodox religion. A church is a church building. One can also say 'going to church', which means attending a service. In Orthodoxy, the church is seen as a living organism, of which the lifeblood is the Holy Spirit.

Clergy:

People that have been religiously ordained for special duties within the church.

Denomination:

A recognized, autonomous branch of the Christian Church. Syriac and Coptic Orthodoxy are two different denominations.

Fasting:

The act of abstaining from certain foods to bring yourself closer to God.

Gospel:

The teaching of Christ, and the written record of His life, from the Bible. Read during services from a special holy book, called the Gospel Book.

Holy Spirit:

In Orthodoxy, the Holy Spirit is two concepts that are one thing. One, the Holy Spirit is the lifeblood of the church and the power of prayer and divinity manifest. Two, the Holy Spirit is the third person in the Trinity.

Icon:

A depiction of Christ, the Theotokos, a Saint, or Angel. Never of God Himself! Icons are usually paintings, but they may also be other art forms.

Laity (lay-ih-ty):

Church attendees who are not part of the clergy.

Metanoia (muh-tahn-ya):

A metanoia is a type of prostration. While a prostration involves kneeling and touching one's forehead to the ground, which one cannot do on Sundays, a metanoia can be done at any time, and only involves touching the ground and then crossing yourself.

Monastic:

Somebody who has dedicated their life to Christ. A monk or nun.

Mysticism:

The characteristic of a religion of which the ultimate goal is oneness with the divine.

Parish:

A small church with its own priest that is administratively independent.

Patron Saint:

A Saint that is regarded as the heavenly advocate of a church, place, person, organization, etc. This Saint prays for and on the behalf of the thing it is a patron(ess) of.

Prayer:

The act of prayer. A request for divine intervention or an expression of gratitude directed at God, the divine, a Saint, etc.

Priest:

A religious leader authorized to perform services and pray on behalf of his parish. He is the spiritual leader of his flock and acts as an intermediary between his people and God.

Sacraments:

A sacrament is one of the seven most important spiritual happenings in a person's life. It is a channel for the grace of God to enter a person's life, and a visible symbol of the reality of God.

Saint:

Somebody who has lived an extraordinarily Christ-like life. Usually 'saint' is only in reference to people who have been glorified (formally recognized as a saint), but during services you may also hear acknowledgments of 'unknown saints,' people who lived saintly lives but weren't glorified for it.

Service:

A formal moment of communal worship, normally in a church building and lead by a spiritual leader; but there are also home services.

Theotokos (Thay-oh-TOH-kos):

Lit. God-bearer (Greek), Theotokos is the title commonly used in Orthodoxy for the Virgin Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ.

Trinity:

The Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The collective name for God, Christ, and Holy Spirit and the foundation the church is built on!

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And that is all for now! This post will be subject to revision for the next few days as I have people look over it, but I hope this serves its purpose for somebody!

#orthodoxy #orthodox christianity #inclusive christianity #catechesis #apothecaric allerlei #christianity

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hecksee · 4 years ago

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Stained Flowers

Hi this is angsty af but im struggling right now so imma project onto fictional characters

Sorry @lumosinlove I like making Leo suffer

this is my entry for the @hpbrokenhearts contest, i started out writing this when i was struggling, and tbh i still am, but it’s gotten a lot better.

Much thanks to the wonderful @iswearimnotanaestheticgirl for editing this monstrosity. You wrecked carnage on it, but it helped so much and I love this end result so much.

Thank you so much to @peggyrose19 and @marauderss-hp for looking this over and giving me suggestions!

This is probably inaccurate but I don’t know anything about hockey, and this is fanfic so who cares about the accuracy.

THIS COULD DEFINITELY BE TRIGGERING, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

TW suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, its got a TINY bit of spice sprinkled in (i would rate this teen probably, mature if i was being extra safe), major character death, stress, homophobia, one sided pining, hanakhai, vomiting, something thats sort of like a suicide note, and a shit load of angst

Read on A03 here

Leo knew he was screwed the moment he saw Finn O'Hara on the screen for the first time. He knew he was gonna fall hard. It didn't matter that they had never met or that Leo’s attraction was purely physical. He knew that he would want everything with Finn.

But then Leo started to fall deeper and deeper over time, time that was spent mostly spent obsessing over Finn. Only a few weeks after Leo saw Finn for the first time, it started.

Everybody knew about hanahaki. When someone felt unrequited love, a seed sprouted in their lungs. Nobody knew how or why the seed appeared but it was inevitable.

The victim would start coughing up flower petals, and if their feelings grew, the flowers would grow larger until the victim couldn’t breath because their lungs were filled with nothing but blossoms.

There were only three things someone with hanahaki could do. The main solution was to surgically remove the flowers but have all feelings of love vanish. And some said it was impossible to ever love another person.

So Leo knew exactly what was going on when he started coughing up small yellow petals a few weeks after he first saw Finn on screen.

But, over the next few months he learned to recognize the signs. The tingling in the back of his throat before he started coughing up the silky yellow petals. The itch in his left lung when people mentioned Finn O'Hara. The stabbing pain toward the left of his chest when his teammates threw around homophobic slurs and comments like beads at Marti Gras is nothing new, but now it's accompanied with a burning sensation in his lungs and bloody daffodils.

The daffodils. The fucking daffodils. He decided to look the meaning of the cheery flowers up one day. Unrequited love. After that Leo laughed humorlessly, and decided that hanahaki had a fucked up sense of humor.

Somehow, Leo made it through a full year while coughing up a mixture of blood and petals. He learned how to hide it, how to excuse himself from a situation, and how to choke the petals back down while playing. He made sure that nothing would impact his career, no matter how much longer he had left.

Leo feared that his time was almost up some days. On those days, he wondered Why was he alive? Why did only the left lung sting? Wouldn't it just be better to end it than to live through the constant pain?

He almost made it through a year keeping his hanahaki a secret.

Well, almost. His mom walked in on him cleaning the daffodils smeared with red off the floor, and he had promptly broken down in tears.

He had ended up telling her everything, how he was gay, how he hated himself for it, how he sometimes thought it would be better to just end it all instead, who he loved and why.

His mom had made him tell his coach, insisting it was for the best. There had been a major fight between the coach and him. Leo was yelling and crying but standing his ground about how he needed to play. How playing was the only thing he was living for, damn it. Leo had ended up winning, so he kept playing. And just like before, he kept the hanahaki a secret from everyone, especially his team.

But then, he found out why only his left lung stung. Logan Tremblay. The latest player that was drafted to the Lions. He was newly minted, fresh from Harvard university. Short, broad, brunet, green eyed rookie Tremz.

As soon as Logan stepped out onto the ice for the first time Leo felt that telltale sting. But it was on the right side of his chest for the first time. Fuck, I'm not having unrequited love from one person, but from two?!

His right lung had irises. Royalty, the Fleur-De-Lis, France. Leo didn’t know how those things related to Logan but he could take a guess. Logan was French Canadian born and raised, that had to mean something.

Leo’s life went on. Now he had double the work of fighting the flowers down. Two names instead of one. Leo could tell there was something between Fish and Logan. The intense stares they gave each other across the rink meant something. The tension between them one day had just disappeared. Leo saw something as Logan's hot temper reared up whenever Harzy got into a fight or got hurt.

The signs grew. Rainbow tape on their sticks, posting LGBTQ+ supporting messages on the team Instagram; small things you’d need to look out for, or know exactly what they meant to know the significance.

The real confirmation was when the official Lions Instagram posted the picture of Logan and Finn kissing at a pride parade, smudged bi flags painted on both of their cheeks.

The caption read “We are aware of the homophobia in the league, however, two of our players aren’t willing to hide their relationship from the public anymore. Both Tremz and Harzy have our full support.”

The moment he saw it, the feeling of petals started to itch in the back of Leo’s throat, but he gagged them back as he scrolled through the comments. They were filled with the expected bigotry and homophobia with the occasional biphobic comment. Yet scattered in were the kind comments, full of support, rays of sunshine on a raining day.

Leo started typing out a comment of his own, telling the happy couple how happy he was for them. But the lie was rancid in his head. The flowers Leo had been choking back came up in a wave of blood.

Before Leo got hanahaki, the few dreams he had were filled with a faceless man. One that would kiss him and fuck him, but now, now there were two men. And they had faces.

Finn O'Hara and Logan Tremblay haunted Leo's dreams in the best way possible, more nights than not. Sweet soft kisses, hands tangled in auburn or brown hair, gently worshiping the hard planes and angles that came from a lifelong dedication to hockey were commonplace in Leo's dreams.

In stark contrast, some nights were filled with sloppy, urgent kisses, nails scratching on backs, and a pure need for release. But the dreams would always end, and Leo was left with the burning pain of self loathing building up in his throat before the flowers would make themselves known.

During this dream, Leo had been on fire all night, and it was thanks to him that the team had been led to victory. So here he was with his boyfriends, celebrating.

Leo leaned up to give Finn a soft kiss before turning onto his side and beginning to kiss Logan's neck. Finn had started to ruin Leo and didn't stop until Leo had hit the peak of his pleasure.

However, the aftermath of Leo's pleasure was slowly but surely turning into pain. Suddenly the metallic tang of blood was clogging his throat and the familiar smooth petals were filling his mouth.

The flowers and blood were dripping out of his mouth, and seeping into the white bed sheets. Even worse was that Finn and Logan seemed unsurprised. no, they were almost happy. Their gentle murmurings of praise turned into cold raucous laughter. In between the harsh laughter they told him how stupid he was, how he was a nobody, how they would never love him.

As the flowers only got worse, coming up in waves and mingled with the tears that were rolling down his face, Finn and Logan vanished. Then he was falling, falling, falling.

He woke with a start, his heart pounding in his chest, lungs gasping for air in between choking sobs; lying in a combination of petals and blood. His face was sticky with tears and warm, wet blood, and a few stray yellow and white-ish purple petals stuck to his skin. The only indicator that Leo's dream wasn't all bad was the stickiness in his underwear. But the worst part was that he was alone, stuck with only fantasies, once again.

The next day, Leo knew that practice would be bad. Even though yesterday his team was idolizing the Lions, they sure as hell wouldn’t be idolizing them right now. Practice was full of his teammates throwing around a myriad of slurs. The locker-room was even worse, where the coach wasn’t there to monitor their comments.

Leo fidgeted with his bracelet, uncomfortable with the comments that were flying around, with the flowers edging up his throat. He didn’t remember what happened next.

One minute Leo’s fidgeting with his bracelet, the next he’s yelling. Yelling about how people aren’t judged by their sexuality, how hell, maybe there even was a gay person in the room! To that he was obviously asked if he was the gay one, to which, he responded yes. Leo stormed out of the room to a soundtrack, suppressing the flowers fighting their way up his throat as soundtrack of cruel laughter and biting words rang around the room, just like the ones in his dream.

The next day he dreaded going to practice. He knows he won’t be welcome on the team anymore, so what’s the point of going?

Leo ended up just texting his old coach that he was resigning. His team broadcasted the fact that he’s gay on their Instagram. Now Leo’s the target of the myriad of hate that Finn and Leo faced. It made him sick to his stomach. Seconds later, he was puking into the toilet. No flowers this time, but still unpleasant.

He still walked with dragging steps to the rink and practiced, of course. He didn’t want to lose his skills when he attempts to go pro. Trying to ignore the fact that he knows no one will take him now.

Out of the blue, three days after Leo outed himself, his phone rings shrilly. Marlene McKinnon. The Lions announcer. Why was she calling him?

Marlene asked him to play for the Lions because he had great potential. Leo hesitated. Did she not know that he was gay? He pensively inquired about his sexuality, how would that impact his place on the team?

To his surprise, Marlene told him it wouldn’t influence anything. Leo was shocked, but in the happy way. Then she asked if he had any health conditions. Just like the thing about his sexuality, Leo hesitated. Eventually he nodded and said yes.

It’s hanahaki, he told her in a slow voice, but it doesn’t impact my playing.

Fucking lie.

Marlene was silent for a moment but then put him on hold with some shaky words. 5 minutes later, she agrees to let him play, on the condition that his hanahaki doesn’t get worse, and if it does, he needs to have them removed. Leo agreed, and suddenly, Leo was going professional.

Sure, Leo was worried about becoming a Lion; his subjects of affection were there and they were in a happy relationship. But over time, and many, many practices filled with words thrown at O’Hara and Tremblay, he had learned to choke back the petals.

After a few months, the day came where Leo was leaving. With many tears, and a lot of goodbyes, Leo left for Gryffindor. After a couple long flights, and a short taxi ride, Leo stepped out of the car to Hogwarts.

Inside the rink, he was greeted with the signature smell of a hockey arena, he couldn’t quite describe it, but it was pleasant, and reminded Leo of home.

In a blink, he was bombarded with maroon and gold, hugs and welcoming words. When he turned his head from the excitement, he saw them. Finn and Logan, standing back with Pascal Dumais, who he was going to move in with.

After meeting everyone and flipping out while Finn and Logan give him a hug while swallowing down the familiar liquid and petals that up, Leo was informed that he won’t be living with the Dumais’ after all.

“You’ll be living with Finn and Logan, I hope that’s alright?”

Leo quickly excuses himself to the bathroom to let the mixture of flowers, blood, and bile out.

But Leo ended up moving in with Fish and Tremz. However over the weeks, he formed a close bond with both Finn and Logan. Of course, he became closer with the rest of the team, Loops especially. Hell, Leo has a feeling that Loops knows what it feels like to love someone who will never love him back.

But after Sirius and Loops get together, Leo knew that he’s the only one who will never get the privilege of having requited love.

Leo was glad that he had managed to keep it a secret from the team. Well, there were some people he had to tell. After all, Remus was the team medic. Remus was keeping it a secret from the team and the public. But Remus didn’t know who was triggering Leo’s love. The only people who knew were Leo and his mother.

Each practice where the two of them do anything lovey dovey, Leo needs to be excused while he chokes back the flowers that are bringing themselves up his throat. But his goalie face hadn't been developed over happy things, so he shoved his feelings back and forced himself to remain calm, pretending to support their relationship; which he did, of course he did, but Leo wished more than anything that he was there with them. Leo wishes he was there in between them, wishes he was the one holding hands with them, and sharing sweet soft kisses with them.

Hell, more than once in the time when Leo was with the Lions he considered ending it all. The thoughts weren’t new, no, he’d been struggling with them since he had realized he was gay. But now, with the objects of Leo’s affection so close yet so far, he didn’t know if it would be worth living.

But then one day, about three years after the hanahaki had started, Leo woke up with agonizing pain in his chest, like someone was squeezing a palm around his heart. He thought back. The aching had worsened every time he interacted Finn and Logan. Now the flowers were coming up almost every hour of every day. The tingling feeling is now always at the back of his mind. As soon as Leo thought about Finn and Logan he felt flowers coming up.

The flowers are accompanied with a burning pain instead of a small stab. All of the flowers are full blossoms, a few with stems and leaves. They’d be perfect and prim, beautiful, if they weren’t coated in enough blood to look like a murder scene.

This was it; this was one of his last days, if not his last.

With slow robotic steps, Leo stands up, taking some deep breaths. He fished a pen and a notebook from his cabinet, and started to write four letters.

The words to his family tell them how sorry he was at how bad he was at hiding his worsening hanahaki, how much he loves them, and how he wishes he could have said goodbye in person.

“I’m sorry for causing you pain.”

In the letter towards the team he apologized for hiding his disease and explained how thankful he was to be a part of his dream team. He told them how different the Lions were to his old teams, how they were a family and how they loved each other no matter what, regardless of their differences.

“Thank you for being like a family to me.”

In the one addressed to Logan and Finn, Leo explained how they were the subjects of his attraction, how much they influenced his life coming out by choice, consequences be damned. Through blood, sweat, tears and flowers, he found himself rattling on and on about how much he loved them, how he fell in love with them, and how much he valued the friendship they had; even if it was just friendship. Leo’s hand lingered as he thought about it. Would this letter cause the two of them to blame themselves? Should he really write it?

No. He had to. Leo added a note telling them not to. It wasn’t their fault, it was his choice.

He brushed away the crimson mess. With droplets of blood staining his fingers, Leo starts on the final and most formal letter.

Leo wrote vaguely in this letter. He told that he did have hanahaki, and how he had dealt with it for years before he joined the Lions. He publicly commends the Lions for being so accepting of him, even though he had hanahaki and he was gay. Finally, he thanked his fans for staying with him through it all.

Then, with all the letters finished, Leo sealed them in envelopes and wrote to whom they are addressed to. Gingerly, Leo placed them on his nightstand and prepared for his final practice.

During practice Leo told everyone how much he appreciates them, which wasn’t too unusual, so nobody took much notice. Otherwise, practice was uneventful. Leo blocked some passes as they prepped for their game with Hufflepuff next week.

Leo was coughing almost nonstop during practice but he chokes back the blood, bile, and flowers. He allowed himself to think that this is the last time he’d have to push it down. The aching pain in his chest doesn’t subside, if anything it only grew worse the longer practice goes on.

Leo walked into the locker-room, preparing to take a shower and stretch before heading home when the aching in his chest grew. He could hear the blood pumping in his ears and the world around him blurred. He swayed, unsteady on his feet, trying not to cry or scream. His breaths were labored, he was becoming lightheaded and his heart was pounding in his chest. The pain became too much to bear and Leo’s legs failed on him.

The team rushes over with concerned expressions on their faces. On his knees, the flowers, stems, and leaves start to come up, splattering all over the cold ground, no matter what Leo does to try and keep them back. The team became frenzied, calling for Remus.

It was too late. Leo knew that this was his end.

Once, when Leo was little, he asked his grandmother why people didn't just get the flowers removed. She smiled at him sadly and told him that, there might be a person you loved so much you couldn't bear the idea of not loving them. Even if you died for it.

At the time, he brushed it off as stupid but now, now as tears sqeezed through his blurry vision and the feeling of the cold tile floor disappears, he understands exactly what she meant.

The last thought that went through his mind, before the petals, flowers, and blood came up for the last time, was of his two loves. In an instant, all of his fantasies of Finn and Logan melted into the reality of their friendship and flew past his eyes. With one last satisfied smile, Leo closed his eyes. His grandma was right.

Some love really was worth dying for.

Just a quick reminder, this is my entry for @hpbrokenhearts so if you liked this fic or it made you cry/broke your heart, please put a broken heart in the comments, either in emoji form or not! Thank you so much for reading!!!

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crystalninjaphoenix · 3 years ago

Text

Wyvernlair

Fantasy Masks AU: Chapter Three

A JSE Fanfic

Ta-da! Another chapter! :D This is the one I was talking about, with a lot of worldbuilding and new characters. It’s also one of my longer stories, and I had to cut out a scene near the end, but don’t worry, you’ll see that next time. Now that Chase is officially part of the Masked Phantoms, it’s time for him to get to know the layout of Wyvernlair, meet new people, and learn new things. So get ready for a whole lot of all that. Hope you guys enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was clear that Jackie was eager to have someone new to show around Wyvernlair. He led the way, pointing out important features of the camp. Most of the center area was taken up by tents for people to stay in. In addition, there was an area dedicated to cooking, with campfires and stacks of pots and dishes, a wide, clear area for people to practice sword fighting and other combat, and a large space for storage.

All this was fairly normal for any camp. Or at least, that’s what Chase figured, considering he’d never been in a camp of any kind. But he was pretty sure that the massive skeleton made Wyvernlair much different than any other camp. Every bit had been planned around the bones embedded in the ground. The tents were encircled by the dragon. The cooking fires were dotted around the leg bones. The combat field was spread out along the wings that extended out from the rest of the body. And the storage was inside the oversized ribcage, canvas stretched over the gaps to keep out the weather.

Inside the ribs was the most incredible place Chase had ever been. He kept his head craned upward, following the curve of the ivory bones, each one big enough that it would take three full grown men to encircle it. The storage inside the ribcage was much less impressive in comparison, though he did have to admit he’d never seen this amount of weapons, armor, parchment, and foodstuffs in one place. Not to mention all the miscellaneous items as well, like lanterns and chests for storage.

“Oh, you need a jacket!” Jackie suddenly said, bringing Chase back to the conversation. “You can take one of the communal ones, over here.” He grabbed Chase’s hand and pulled him to the side of the ribs, where the chests were full of various clothing, each labeled with types and sizes. “Unless you’re a cloak person?”

“Uh, no, I...jackets are good,” Chase said dazedly.

“Great! What are you, a five?” Jackie waited for Chase to nod, then headed over to the appropriate chest. “We don’t have that many fives left...a lot of people have measurements around there.” He flipped open the chest lid. “Um...yeah, there’s just one. Hope you like yellow.” After a bit of rummaging, he pulled out a dull flaxen jacket and tossed it in Chase’s direction.

Chase fumbled for a bit before catching it. It was a fairly normal jacket, and he quickly pulled it on. Autumn in the mountains was not a time to walk around without one. He’d been chilly all through their walk.

“Alright, all that’s left is the skull,” Jackie said. “I don’t know how often you’ll be in there, but it’s good to—”

“I’m sorry, I’m still caught up on the fact that I’m inside a dragon skeleton,” Chase interrupted.

Henrik, who’d been following the tour quietly and letting Jackie do all the talking, suddenly burst into laughter. “I told you. It is shocking, isn’t it?”

“Well...yes!” Chase looked back up at the curve of the ribs above him, slowly shaking his head. “I heard dragons were large, but I didn’t really...picture it, before this.”

“Technically, this is not the skeleton of a full-blooded great dragon,” Henrik said.

“What?”

“The dragon that most people think of, with four legs and two or more wings? That is a great dragon,” Henrik explained. “I’m sure you noticed this one only has two legs; it was likely a wyvern/great dragon crossbreed.”

“Hence the name ‘Wyvernlair,’” Jackie added.

“What’s the difference?” Chase asked.

“Wyverns only had two legs and larger wings. They walked a bit like birds do,” Henrik continued. “And they were usually much smaller. There are some accounts of humans riding them. So this was either an abnormally large wyvern, or it was a crossbreed with the great dragons. Which, yes, could grow as big as this, but that was not so common.”

“Elders,” Chase muttered. The fact that there were once creatures as large as this roaming the land, big enough to encircle half a town...it made him glad they weren’t around anymore.

“It was really lucky that we found this place,” Jackie said. “Not because of the skeleton, but because of its location. There are no trees growing near the bones, so we have room to spread out, and we have our backs to a rock wall, which makes it more defensible.” He paused. “Anyway, the last part on our tour is the skull, and then we can set you up with a tent. Oh, actually, the spare tents are kept here. Let’s grab that now.”

“I get my own?” Chase said, surprised.

“Of course, we have plenty to spare,” Jackie said casually. “We brought a whole bunch up, but recruitment has been slow.”

“Nonexistent,” Henrik muttered. He reached into one of his belt pouches and took out a small flask, taking a quick drink.

“Well...yes,” Jackie admitted. “But let’s go, we’re almost done!”

The skull was just as massive as the rest of the skeleton, with wicked sharp teeth as tall as Chase. He stared at them as Jackie and Henrik led him around to the back, where there was a slight gap where the skull met the spine. They passed through that gap and ended up inside. Much like the ribs, the skull had been converted into a room, with canvas blocking the eye sockets and nasal cavity to make a rough roof. This wasn’t as large as the storage, but it was still at least three times as large as Chase’s cottage. There were more chests in here, and a few rickety desks where people—masks always nearby—sat, reading and writing on parchment. They all glanced up as the three men entered the room, then looked away.

In the middle of the skull was a large circular table, made of solid, dark wood and surrounded by chairs. Various maps were spread out on the surface of the table, held down with weights.

Chase glanced at the largest map, and immediately recognized it as a map of the kingdom of Glasúil. A detailed one, too, covering almost all of the island. The Dragon’s Teeth mountains ran down the center, with the smaller Northaven range branching off to the east, along the northern shore. The Southern Moors were present, slowly merging into the sea. Rivers and forests he’d never heard of crossed the parchment, and each major town and city was represented by a labeled black dot. The only part of the map left blank was the area to the west of the Dragon’s Teeth, which simply had “Wyldwood” written across it.

“Oh hey, you like the maps?” Jackie asked, noticing Chase’s attention. “We use those for planning stuff. A lot of strategy and meetings happen here. This is also where we keep all our records and sort through all our messages with other Phantom locations. Since you’re part of the group now, you’ll eventually go on missions, and if that’s the case, you’ll have to write a report and deliver it here.”

“Missions?” Chase repeated. His head was starting to swim a bit with all the new information.

“Well, if you want to,” Jackie said awkwardly. “I mean, you could stay here and do medicine with Henrik, or be part of our administration—”

“Administration?” This time, Chase laughed a bit when he repeated the word.

“Organization is very important,” Schneep emphasized. “There are a lot of us, and we do a lot of things. If we have no organization then we do not know what we’re doing!”

“Yeah, and those things we do are...missions,” Jackie said.

“Alright, what kind of...missions?” Chase asked.

“Depends. We might need to investigate someplace, or something, or someone. We might need to go in and stop an act of injustice, or rescue people who’ve been hurt.” Jackie paused. “If...if we’d heard about the King’s plans for the mountain villages to burn, then we could have...shown up. In time.”

Chase felt his stomach twist at the mention of the burning villages. There was guilt in Jackie’s voice; he clearly felt awful that the Phantoms couldn’t do anything to prevent that. “Well.” Chase took a deep breath. “I guess we’ll have to make sure things like that don’t happen again.”

Jackie nodded. Henrik placed a hand on his shoulder, and that seemed to steady him. He drew himself to his full height and stiffened his posture. “Exactly. The King may think he can get away with any of this, just because of his position. But the people will not stand for it. We will not stand for it. As long as his actions cause death and damage, we will work to remove him.”

For a moment, Chase was in awe at the resolve Jackie showed. He wasn’t that physically intimidating, being almost a head shorter than Chase and a head and a half shorter than Henrik, but he had a commanding aura. Maybe the strength of his conviction was catching. “Exactly,” Chase said. “That’s—that’s what I want to do.” His simple statement sounded lame in comparison.

Jackie smiled. “And that’s why we’re so glad to have you.” He relaxed a bit, looking over at Henrik. “And if Schneep likes you, then I do, too.”

Chase couldn’t hold back a laugh. “I-I’m sorry? What did you call him?”

Henrik’s expression fell. He took his hand off Jackie’s shoulder and pushed him with his shoulder. “I told you, stop using that.”

“But it’s so fun to say,” Jackie said cheerfully. “Chase, did you know that Henrik’s surname is Schneeplestein?”

Chase fought to stifle his giggles. Now he remembered that particular fact from his first meeting with Henrik. “That’s—well, I’m sure that’s a usual surname in Alterde—”

“It is not,” Henrik said wearily. “It sounds just as ridiculous over there. Go ahead, laugh about it. Get it out of your mind now.”

“No no, I’m fine, I promise.” Chase coughed a bit, clearing his throat of laughter. “At least you have a surname.”

“Ah, it is common to have one where I am from,” Henrik waved away the comment. “I know here it is a nobility thing, but not in Alterde or its neighbors.”

“Really?” Chase said, interested.

“Really. And it is much easier than your family names,” Henrik said bluntly, turning to leave.

“Hey! Wait for us!” Jackie took Chase’s hand and the two of them followed Henrik out of the dragon’s skull.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Chase? Are you awake?”

The first thing Chase heard when waking up was someone calling his voice. Instinctively, he rolled over and stretched his arm to the right. Only to be met with nothing but empty space. Oh. Right.

He opened his eyes to a canvas wall and ceiling. He’d gotten his tent yesterday, and Jackie had shown him how to set it up in a spot near the dragon spine. From there, the rest of the day had passed slowly. Awkwardly, too, as Chase didn’t feel up to approaching any of the masked people who were part of the Phantoms. It felt...strange. Like he was constantly intruding on something. So he just spent time in his tent, and when dinnertime rolled around, he showed up to get some stew from the cooking fires then went off to eat on his own. Eventually, the sun set, and he figured that was time to go to bed.

“Chase?” The voice called again.

“Henrik?” Chase asked, sitting up and wiggling out of the bedroll he’d been given.

“Oh, you are awake. Can I open the flap?”

“Go ahead.” It wasn’t like he was indecent or anything. He was actually still wearing his clothes from the day before. Maybe he should check out the storage, see if they had anything else he could use.

Henrik pushed open the flap of the tent and ducked inside, pushing his owl mask up onto his forehead. “Ah, good. I have something for you.” He held out a folded piece of parchment.

Puzzled, Chase took it. “What is this?” He asked as he unfolded it.

“Well, now that you are a Phantom, there are some things you need to be familiar with,” Henrik said. “Jackie put together a schedule for you for today.”

Chase silently looked at the words. He blinked. Then squinted. Then looked back up at Henrik. “Um...I’m sorry, but I...can’t read this.”

Henrik didn’t even have a response for that. “You...cannot read?”

“I can, but only a little,” Chase admitted. “I know the alphabet and numbers, but as for words, I can read what I’m familiar with. Food, animal names, archery gear. Things like that.” He trailed off into a mumble, somehow embarrassed. Reading had never been an issue before. Everyone in town knew enough to get by. But now, he wondered...was that not normal?

“That’s okay,” Henrik said, picking up on Chase’s tone. “Jackie was the same way. We had to teach him.” He chuckled a bit at the memory. “I will explain, then. After breakfast, you will meet with Nemet in the infirmary, she will give you a basic medicine check. To see what you know and fill you in on anything you need. Then you will head down to the tip of the tail, and meet a man there called Tripp. I understand you do not know that much about magic, so he will give you an overview. Then there will be lunch, and then you will head to the combat field to start training with Holly and Lukas.”

Chase started. “What was that last name?”

“Lukas,” Henrik repeated. “You will probably be working with him more, since you seem inclined with bows, and not closer combat.”

“Right.” Chase nodded. That name sounded familiar, like he’d heard it recently...

“Then come back for dinner, and I will check up on you,” Henrik continued. “And by then, hopefully you will know what you want to do most in the group. Medicine, organization, and such. And we will get you a temporary mask.”

“So, why masks?” Chase asked. “I like the idea, but...why? Who came up with it?”

“Oh, the mask concept was Jackie’s idea, but the animal part was added by—by someone else,” Henrik said. There was an odd pause there...was he going to say something else? A name, perhaps? “We wear masks so people will not recognize us. Many of us have friends and family who would be at risk if the King’s people knew we were working against him. Like, for me. You know I am a traveling doctor, yes? Well, when I met you last year, I was already working with the Phantoms. Can you imagine what would happen if someone recognized me as a rebel?”

Chase shivered. “Yea, I can.” If the King was willing to burn down the mountain villages for an unknown reason, what would he do to find one of the rebels? With that thought in mind, he slowly stood up. “So...I’ll get started, then. Meeting with all these strangers.”

“Do not be nervous, Chase,” Henrik said gently. “Everyone new we find has to go through something like this. And these are some of our best people.”

“Thanks,” Chase said. “That’s good to know.” Still, his stomach was slowly tying itself in knots as he headed towards the cooking fires, about to start the day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a quick breakfast of toasted bread—light, but with those stomach knots, still hard to get through—Chase headed up the gentle slope towards the infirmary cave in the rock wall. Slipping through the flap in the canvas, he found it unchanged from the day before, when he’d been discharged. Nobody was inside, except for...

“Ibis?” Chase asked.

“Hello, Chase.” Ibis smiled at him. Her mask was off, revealing her features and round, dark eyes for the first time. “It’s good to see you again. And please, my name is Nemet.”

“Oh! Oh, I’m supposed to meet with you.” That explained why she was standing near the entrance, she was waiting for him.

“Yes, yes.” Nemet nodded. “Henrik has told me to give you a basics in medicine.” She turned and headed towards the back, indicating he should follow. “Come, come. This shouldn’t take too long.”

Nemet had set three chests on top of each other, making a sort of rough chest-height table. On top of the flat surface of the chest-table were a series of bottles and bags, each one neatly labeled. “Here. These are some of our common tonics and medicines we use here. Tell me what you recognize.”

Chase considered the layout before him. There were probably about thirty in total, if he had to guess. “This is for colds, right? And fevers? And this one, too. And these dried leaves, they’re for nausea. Oh, and this will put you to sleep if you put it in water or stew. This is a salve, also for fevers. And this is a balm for sores. And this will stop infection on cuts and scrapes. And...that’s what I know.”

“Impressive,” Nemet nodded.

“Really? That’s only a fraction of the total,” Chase said doubtfully.

“Most people who join up only know redleaf, bainruish, and seedbane.” Nemet indicated each medicine as she listed them. “Fevers, cuts, and...well, I’m sure you know what seedbane is for, even if you said nothing. You are married, after all.” She laughed as Chase slowly turned red. “Ah, my apologies. The point is, you are ahead of most others.”

“Do we really need all of these?” Chase asked, quickly moving on.

“Oh, yes. You know that when people gather together that sicknesses spread easily. Many of these will help to cure a specific disease, while others are a general tonic, like redleaf.” Nemet paused, then picked up about ten of the medicines and put them on the floor. “Henrik says you are not so much caught up on magic, so we will leave these ones out of our discussion for now.”

Chase started at that. The concept of mixing medicine with magic made him...uneasy. He may not know that much about magic, but he knew it could be dangerous. “I was wondering, Nemet, what did you do before you joined the Phantoms? I know Henrik’s a traveling doctor, are you the same?”

“Not exactly.” Nemet shrugged. “I was a student of medicine back home.”

“And where was that?”

“A land called Kha’Nyphthis.” Nemet grinned a bit at Chase’s confused expression. “You would not have heard of it. It is to the south, on another continent, but not the same continent as Henrik’s Alterde. We have great schools and libraries there, the best in the world. I was learning to become a doctor, and had almost finished my schooling, but one of the final requirements was to learn the medicine of another land. I chose here, Glasúil, because you are well-known for your medicine. But then I arrived, and saw the state of things, and...ah, well.” Her expression fell for a moment.

“I’m...sorry,” Chase said awkwardly. “Do you...ever think about going back?”

Nemet nodded briefly. “Of course. I have family, friends. But I cannot just abandon things. It’s not in my nature to leave things unsettled.” She took a deep breath, and moved on. “But as for your basics in medicine, let me start by getting you familiar with the ones you didn’t know.”

It was a while later before Chase left the infirmary, his head feeling stuffed with all the new information Nemet had drilled into him. Already, some of it was starting to slip away. And he immediately knew that he could never be a doctor. If these were the basics, he couldn’t even begin to think about what would be required to complete the training to become one.

But he didn’t have time to let all that new knowledge sink in. Judging by the sun’s position, it was getting close to noon, and to lunch. He still had to meet up with someone else before it was time to eat. So he hurried onward, running along the curve of the dragon’s bones, following them as they got smaller and smaller, until they eventually merged into the packed ground. Chase slowed to a stop and looked around, confused. This was the end of the tail, wasn’t it? So...where was—

“Hey you’re the new one, right?”

Chase yelped and spun around. A man was sitting between the spine bones of the dragon, almost unnoticeable in the shadow between them. “Yeah, that’s me,” he said slowly. “Are you, uh...Tripp?”

The man nodded, hopped to his feet, and walked over to Chase. Standing up, he was short, even shorter than Jackie. He wore a dark brown cloak that reached his knees, and of course, a mask. This one was shaped like a ram’s head, complete with curved horns, and the black symbol on the forehead was actually four different symbols arranged in a diamond formation. After a moment of looking at them, Chase realized they were the suits often used on playing cards. How...odd. The man reached up and took off the mask, ruffling his golden brown hair and revealing dark eyes. “Tripp, son of Seamus,” he said shortly. “And you are...?”

“Chase. Son of Brody,” Chase said automatically. “Henrik told you I was—”

“You’re not up-and-up on magic and need a course, yea,” Tripp interrupted, swinging his mask around his finger. Chase took a step back despite already being far away. If that went flying, those plaster horns would do some damage. “And he asked me to do it ‘cause I’m our second best guy.”

“You’re the—?”

“What do you know already, Brodyson?” Tripp continued. “Ever met a magic-wielder?”

“There were a handful in town—”

“Sorcerer, wizard, enchanter, oracle, witch?”

“I...what?” Chase blinked. “I...think they were all sorcerers.”

“How many?”

“Only a handful, about six or seven?”

“For a village of four hundred or so people?” Tripp laughed. “Everyone must’ve been magically impotent.”

“Could you slow down?!” Chase snapped. “I thought you were supposed to teach me about magic, not make fun of me for not knowing anything!”

Tripp paused. Then grinned. “It’s just banter, Brodyson. I didn’t mean offense. But hey, you called me out. Good on you for that. My apologies.” His grin faded. “But I’m not jokin’ about that. There should’ve been at least four times that number of magic-wielders in a town that size. What happened? Were the seekers bein’ lazy for the past few years?”

“...Seekers?” Chase repeated, puzzled.

Tripp looked up at the sky. “Oh, elders. They haven’t been showin’ up at all, have they? If you don’t even know about them—alright, we’ll start from the beginning, then.” He sat down on the ground, folding his legs under him. Slowly, Chase sat down across from him. “You know of the five branches, right? I’m pretty sure everyone in the world’s at least heard their names.”

“Yes,” Chase said, nodding. Wizards, sorcerers, enchanters, oracles, and witches. He mostly heard about them in stories, and was especially fuzzy on the details about those last three.

“A common mistake people make is thinkin’ these are all different things.” Tripp started drawing in the dirt with his finger. “When really, all magic is the same. It’s like a tree—just because each branch might look different, doesn’t mean they don’t all come from the same trunk.” And, in keeping with that metaphor, he drew a rough outline of a tree with five different branches. “All magics can work with each other, and there’s a lot of similarities in between them. For example, do you know the difference between wizardry and sorcery? They’re the two most well-known of the branches.”

“Um...if I’m being honest, I’d always been under the impression that wizardry was more powerful,” Chase said tentatively.

Tripp snorted in disbelief. “Some wizards would like to think that. But no. More varied, yes. But not more powerful. Here, it’ll be easier if I go over them all one by one.” He started to draw symbols by each of the branches, starting with a crude stick figure. “Sorcery is the most common magic besides witchcraft. It crops up in people at random. If you got twenty-five people in a room together, one would probably be a sorcerer, even if they didn’t know it. Its source is inside the person themself. And what it does is manipulate the world. Like...this.”

He pressed a flat hand against the ground next to him. After a moment, the dirt started to move. Then suddenly, pillars of rock shot through the dirt, rising from underneath the surface. Chase gaped as the solid stone started to twist, winding around each other to form a braid of rock. Then Tripp removed his hand, and the rock froze, as if it had never been moving in the first place. For a moment, Chase was stunned, then he managed to ask, “S-so you’re a sorcerer, then?”

“Exactly,” Tripp grinned. “Why d’you look so surprised? You said you knew sorcerers before.”

“Well...yes, but I hadn’t...seen their magic too much,” Chase admitted. He remembered one time when Gwen, the weaver’s daughter, had pulled water out of the well. It just streamed out of the depths and sailed right into her bucket. But occasions like that were few and far between.

“Hmm.” Tripp scrunched his face up, thinking. “Well, besides that. Each branch of magic has its strengths and weaknesses. Sorcery’s strength is that it comes from within. As long as a sorcerer doesn’t drain too much energy, they can use their magic forever. And its weakness is that you need a material to manipulate. Like just now, I reached down and pulled rock up from underground. But there’s a limit to the range where your magic can affect things.”

Chase nodded. “What about wizardry, then?”

Tripp sketched a rough outline of a necklace next to another branch of the tree. “Its strength is its variety. Wizards aren’t limited by what things are present, they can conjure out of thin air. But its weakness is in this: the ‘focus.’” He tapped the necklace drawing. “Unlike sorcery, wizardry doesn’t come from within. Wizards are channelin’ it from outside, from the layer of magic that coats the world. But to do so, they need a specially-made thing called a focus. It’s usually a necklace, ‘cause that’s handy, but it can be any shape, as long as it’s made the right way. These dragon bones, for example. They’d be real good to make focuses with.” He knocked on the nearest bone. “About one in fifty people are able to channel wizardry.”

“And now we reach the end of my knowledge,” Chase mutters. “What’s the next most common?”

Tripp paused. “Enchantment.” The image he drew in the dirt now was a misshapen lump. “Damn. That’s supposed to be a brain.”

“Ah. Right. Because enchantment is the magic of the mind, isn’t it?” Chase recalled, casting his memories back to the stories he’d heard that included enchanters.

“Hmm. Yea.” Tripp pursed his lips. “How do I explain them...Well, strengths. They’re the only magic that can work with your mind. Illusions, talking in your head, things like that. But as for their weaknesses, enchanters can’t change the world for real.”

“Is it true that enchanters can control your actions?” Chase asked. “There’s a story, the Dark Damoen—”

“The crazy old man who made Erinthold worship him as a god? That’s a famous one.” Tripp nodded. “Well, it’s true. Some could change your thoughts and make you do things you wouldn’t. But that takes a lot of power, and besides, most enchanters are decent people, like all the rest of us. It’s just that we remember the bad ones because they shock us. And only about one in a hundred people are enchanters, anyway. Don’t worry about it. There are a few Masked Phantoms who are enchanters.”

Chase nodded slowly. The thought of the old story sent shivers down his back, but he should probably trust the magic-wielder. He clearly knew more “What about...the oracles?”

Tripp drew a symbol of an eye in the dirt. “Those are the rarest one. You only get an oracle one in a thousand, if you’re lucky, and they’re not usually that powerful. You’ve probably heard that they issue prophecies of what’s to come, or that they might even be able to manipulate time itself. Well that’s all bullshit.”

“Wh—” Chase was so surprised at the frankness that he choked on his own gasp. After a few moments of coughing, he continued in a hoarse voice. “What do you mean?”

“Oracles can’t manipulate time, that’s the most insane rumor goin’ round about magic there ever was,” Tripp stated. “They get visions of what’s most likely to happen. It’s not for sure, and really, most oracles are wrong. But huge strength there, knowing the most likely future. And it comes with a big weakness. A couple, actually. One, they have to speak their visions out loud while it’s happenin’. It’s a magic...what’s the word?” He snapped his fingers for a bit. “Compulsion. That’s it. They’re literally forced to do it, can’t stop that. And two, the visions are all they can do. They have no other magic. And because of that, some say that oracles are cursed, not gifted.”

Chase thought about that. If he had the choice, would he take knowing the future for being forced to share it? Maybe. Maybe if he knew what could happen next, he could stop terrible things. Like...his heart panged, and he shied away from the thought. No, that didn’t sound too bad. People would also know what the future held, what of it? He’d take that risk.

“And the last magic,” Tripp said, snapping Chase out of his thoughts. “Witchcraft. It’s actually the most common.”

“Really?” Chase said doubtfully.

“I bet you’re goin’ by the stories, where witches are old people that stay in shacks and give out potions,” Tripp said, drawing a bottle next to the final branch. “But really, the magic of witchcraft isn’t in people, like all the others. It’s in the land. It’s part of the world’s magic. Plants with strange properties, the parts of magical animals...these can be mixed together to create amazing effects. And anyone could learn how to do it. In fact, most of us here have.”

Chase suddenly remembered earlier, how Nemet had put away some of the medicines during their meeting. It was because he didn’t know much about magic...“Wait, you mean anyone could make potions? Become a witch?”

“Well, not anyone,” Tripp muttered. “If you have magic of your own, you can’t learn witchcraft. The knowledge just slips away, and if we try anyway, nothing works, even if it should. You can’t use more than one magic. It’d be like tryin’ to hold onto every single branch of a tree.”

“If the tree was small, though?” Chase joked.

“It’s not. The magic tree is big, and the branches are the type where you need to hold on with both hands,” Tripp said firmly.

“Oh. I...see.” Chase cleared his throat. Clearly, using more than one magic wasn’t something to make light of. It was too impossible. “And...what about those seekers you mentioned earlier?”

Tripp was eager to move on. “Seekers are wizards that can sense the presence of magic. What’s supposed to happen is that these seekers are supposed to stop by every town twice every year. In practice, that’s faded away. Most towns only see them once a year, and the farther away you get from Suilthair, the less often you’ll see them. My town where I grew up, they came by every three years. But if you don’t know what they are, then...have you ever seen them?”

At that, Chase had a vague memory of a group of strangers visiting Hilltown when he was a child. They were dressed finely, and the image of an elaborate brooch one of them was wearing flashed in his mind. The next day, Hanson, an old friend of his, announced to all the kids that he was going away for ‘special school.’ “Not in years. Long enough for me to forget what they are.”

Tripp huffed. “I bet it’s not worth the effort to come all the way up here. Bunch of nambies.” He rolled his eyes. “Seekers are employed by the royal family. They find young magic-wielders and offer to give them schoolin’, to learn how to use their magic. Schoolin’ that’s funded by the crowns. It’s not required—I never went—but it’s encouraged. Otherwise you might end up having magic shootin’ out of your—”

“Is that why most wizards side with the King?” Chase asked, remembering what Henrik said about the source of the village fire.

“Part of it. But wizards especially have a reason to keep on the King’s good side.” Tripp paused. “Those focuses I told you ‘bout, that wizards need to use their magic? The crowns fund the makin’ of those, too. And the sellin’. And everything about them.”

“Oh.” Chase’s eyes widened with realization. “So...if a wizard decided to oppose the King, then there’s a chance that...they wouldn’t have access to a focus anymore? And...their magic?”

Tripp nodded. “That’s why most of us magic-wielders in the Phantoms are sorcerers and a few enchanters.”

“No oracles?”

“Oh, elders, no. You heard how hard they are to find. Wish we had some, though. That’d be helpful.” Tripp stretched his arms, then stood up. “Anyway, that’s all I have to say. You got it all?”

“I think so, yes,” Chase said slowly. He looked up to the sky, mentally reviewing everything he’d heard. Sorcery, wizardry, enchantment, oraclulary, and witchcraft. All very different, all with things they could do and limitations that slowed them down. That made sense. He nodded to himself...and then noticed the position of the sun. “Shit!” Chase shot to his feet. “It’s noon! I have—after lunch, I—”

“More meetings, huh?” Tripp raised an eyebrow, then pulled his ram mask back on. “Let me guess...Lukas and Holly? Better hurry, Brodyson. Not good to be late for those two.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chase swung by the cooking fires to grab some food, then hurried over to the combat fields, along the dragon’s wings. Originally, he wondered if the wing bones would get it the way, but apparently the dragon had died with its wings spread out as far as they could be, leaving ample room in between the bones. The packed dirt was lined with targets, crude dummies made of sacks of hay tied to sticks, and racks of wooden training weapons. Occasionally there were random chests or tents set up to create obstacles to fight around. As he ran out onto the fields, he passed many people, some sparring in groups, others practicing on their own. None of them paid him any mind.

Now that he was here, he wasn’t sure where to go. The fields took up all of the space cleared by the wings, which was, as it turned out, quite a lot. Maybe he should have asked Henrik for descriptions of the people he’d be meeting with. Feeling his nerves eating away at his stomach, he turned to the nearest person, and asked, quietly, “Excuse me, I’m looking for Lukas and Holly?”

The person turned around, looked down at him, and smiled. “Oh, it’s you! You’re the new one!”

“Um...yes,” Chase said slowly. It was just now occurring to him how...big this person was—this woman was, actually, judging by her voice. She towered over him, and her sleeveless tunic showed off the muscles of her tattooed arms. Strange to be wearing no sleeves in the chill mountain air, but she probably wasn’t bothered.

“I’m Holly.” Her smile widened. “Daughter of Rose.”

“Oh!” Chase blinked. That name didn’t fit her at all. But alright, he wasn’t one to say anything. “Chase, son of Brody.”

“Lovely to meet you.” Holly grabbed his hand and vigorously shook it. She wasn’t wearing her mask, but it hung around her neck. A bear. And the symbol on its forehead was the same as the one on Jackie’s wolf mask: a circle with two dots inside. “Me and Lukas, we’re in charge of combat up in Wyvernlair. Speaking of which...” She turned around. “Luke! He’s here!”

Chase leaned around Holly to look at who she was addressing...and suddenly felt cold, despite his jacket. Now he remembered where he heard that name before. While he’d been sick with the shivering in the infirmary, he’d overheard a conversation between Jackie and a man in a fox mask. That man had wanted to throw him out of camp, but Jackie had refused...and now, Chase was staring at that very same man.

“I can see that,” Lukas said shortly. He was facing a series of targets, and didn’t turn to look at Holly and Chase. Instead he merely took another arrow from a quiver on his back, nocked it on his bow, and shot. The arrow flew straight into the center of the farthest target, which was barely the size of a hand spread wide.

“No you can’t, you didn’t even look!” Holly scowled, and turned back around. “Sorry about him, Chase. He’s been snippy.”

“Well I wouldn’t be snippy if I hadn’t been standing out here for an hour, waiting for someone who didn’t bother to show up on time,” Lukas snapped.

“I’m not an hour late,” Chase protested weakly. Even behind the fox mask, Lukas’s expression was twisted with frustration and annoyance.

“It’s a matter of principle,” Lukas said, finally turning to face Chase. When he did, Chase noticed the symbol on his mask for the first time: an X, with a dot to either side.

“Let’s just get into it,” Holly said, folding her arms. “Now, Chase. You’re a hunter, yes? So you have some experience with shortbows.”

“I can shoot, yes,” Chase agreed. “But I’ve never heard the term ‘shortbow’ before.” Lukas rolled his eyes, a motion that was partially hidden by the mask but still visible enough for Chase to catch.

“It means a smaller bow, in comparison to Lukas’s massive beast of a longbow over there.” Holly gestured towards Lukas’s bow; it was almost as tall as him. “Shortbows are better for mobility and closer range, while longbows are more suited for staying stationary and shooting long distances.”

“Ah.” Chase nodded. That made sense; bigger bows were more powerful, but also harder to draw back and move around. Amabel once tried to shoot Chase’s own bow when she was seven, and couldn’t pull the string even a little.

“I’m assuming you’re a fairly good shot,” Holly said, rubbing her chin. “So you’ll probably need to work with me more. I’m in charge of close-range combat, while Lukas handles the long range, with bows. So if we’re to—”

“Hold on a moment, Holly,” Lukas interrupted. “I want to see what he can do.”

Holly shot Lukas a dirty look. “There’s no need—”

“Of course there is. We should know what our starting point is.” Lukas turned and walked towards a nearby weapons rack, picking out a smaller shortbow and a quiver of matching arrows. He headed back to the others and thrust the tools at Chase. “Show me how well you hunt.”

“...alright. I will.” Chase took the bow and quiver slowly. He didn’t like being tested, especially not when the test was proposed by a man who clearly thought he was some sort of spy for the King and might be looking for an excuse to kick him out. Should he pretend to be worse than he actually was? No, that would just be complicated. He’d shoot normally.

He stepped up to the place Lukas had been standing, facing the targets, and strapped the quiver onto his back. For a moment, he examined the bow. Solidly built. Looked newer than the one he used back home. And had these odd curves...was this a recurve model? He’d heard of them, but never used one before.

“Soon, please!” Lukas called.

Holly promptly hit him on the back of the head. “Take your time, Chase! Don’t worry!”

Chase nodded. His mouth was suddenly very dry. But he swallowed his nerves, adjusted his stance, and nocked an arrow. He hit it against the back of his head in the process of taking it out of the quiver—not being used to wearing it on his back—and glanced back at the two watching to gauge their reactions. Holly looked supportive, but Lukas was unreadable. He looked away again.

There were ten arrows in the quiver and ten targets set up in front of him. He must need to hit all of them. So he drew back, aimed, and let loose the arrow.

Ten arrows.

Five of them hit the closest targets. Two of those hit their target’s center.

One hit the edge of one of the farther targets.

The remaining four missed.

Feeling a sinking feeling in his stomach, he turned back to Holly and Lukas.

“Wow. That was the most utterly average thing I’ve ever seen,” Lukas said bluntly.

“You hit more than I can!” Holly said positively, giving him a short round of applause. “That’s great!”

Chase nodded silently. “I...I’m not used to this bow.”

Lukas hummed. He went to collect the arrows, giving Chase a side-eyed look as he walked past. It seemed as though his suspicions hadn’t been assuaged. If anything, he looked even more wary.

Holly walked up to Chase and clapped a hand on his shoulder. Chase promptly lost his balance from the force of the contact, and Holly helped him right himself. “Sorry about that,” she said. “And sorry about Lukas. He’s just...he has a hard time trusting people. I’m sure you’ll win him over.”

“It’s fine,” Chase said distantly. “I mean, not everyone’s going to immediately welcome someone new into a group like this. You need to keep secret. There are risks.” Still, Lukas’s distrust, combined with his mediocre shooting skills, left him feeling a bit down. Like a cloud passing over the sun, everything just seemed...disappointing.

Lukas returned, arrows in hand. “Do it again,” he said.

“Elders and Sisters, Luke, we don’t have all day,” Holly protested.

“He needs to practice,” Lukas said, stone-faced.

“He needs to start with me! You can’t handle all your problems from a distance, especially in our situation. What’s he to do if a King’s man jumps him from behind and all he has are arrows?”

“It’s fine,” Chase repeated. He rubbed his arm; they hadn’t given him an arm guard, and despite the jacket fabric, his skin still stung from the bow string. “We have until dinner.”

Holly gave him a look, but sighed and stepped back. “One hour of shooting, then it’s my turn.”

Lukas nodded. “Deal.”

Chase sighed a bit, and took the arrows from Lukas. It was turning out to be a long day.

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye fanfiction #jacksepticegos #jacksepticeye au #septic egos #septic egos au #chase brody #dr schneeplestein #jackieboy man #brigid writes fanfiction #fantasymasksau

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blade-king-luze · 4 years ago

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30 Followers!!

OOC: Wow wait for a moment ... 30 followers? AAH Sorry, moments like these give me happy moments kj;asldfkh QQ

Even if the numbers are small, 30 actually means a lot especially for this character. I have never thought I would reach this many for Luze. He’s SO underrated and literally not well known! And the amount of followers I get for him just makes me a bit gushy. I know, weird ... But I do appreciate it! <3 Thank you all so much for the Asks, too! I never thought I would receive so many! I will put a border down below just because I also want to say something more to you guys if you don’t mind. But for those who just wanted to see a few words, I can’t express my gratitiude to you all still active, especially in the Uraboku Community!

I will do my upmost ability to bring you more Luze and some of Luka content!

Notes to Navigate my Page: Hello, newcomers!

I just want to leave a note here just in case people are lost or don’t know where to even look. Next to his icon image, there is a Navigation tool.

Luze Crosszeria and Gale Spider (Mun) Hey it’s me and Luze Crosszeria! If you want to read more about Luze, here is his page along with my Mun page. Now you know who is behind this blog.

Fortress Gallery (Art by Mun), #Gale Spider As you can tell, the title says it all. This is all the art I have done about Luze only. So feel free to check it out!

Undocumented Files, #Unheard Words This section is all the stories/fanfiction I typed that involve around Luze Crosszeria or Other’s perspectives that involve Luze. There are also little messages like this one as well. Some characters are present to make his stories more compelling and shows how I think he would react to different settings and events depending on who he is with or what has happen. It makes me bring out his personality more and I still hope that I can convey it properly through these stories! Terminology for Luze can be seen here

Aesthetics, #In the Mind of the King A fun little section that revolves around looking what’s inside Luze’s mind from what he has seen, or what his thoughts are like. Some may be cherishable to him, some may be traumatic from his experience. Whatever it may be, feel free to look through from his past, present sightings, thoughts, or possessions.

Fragments, #Fragments of the Past This section involves his actual appearance in both the Anime and Manga. Kind of a dead section considering I have found most images or GIFs that consists of Luze. There are some I made to bring out more of his appearance. I might just compile more images if I can from what they have. All rights clearly belong to the creators of Uraboku/Betrayal Knows My Name.

Letters from Others, #Answered Letters A page dedicated to the Asks I received from Anons or other bloggers. There are some Character Memes located here too. I am legit surprised from the amount of Asks I got from you all though. I would have thought I would just do little by little, once in a blue moon, but it’s a good amount nonetheless! Thank you all so much for letting me at least bring him out more QQ. Feel free to drop any Asks or Comments (or written letters in this case) to him!

Hashtags:

Honestly, this layout took me awhile to get used to. I am not so knowledgeable nor creative with Tumblr at all and still learning as I go! If you want to look for specific hashtags, click on the ellipsis right above the post. There are specific Hashtags that follow the links above, or other characters if you want to look at that corresponds with Luze. I will add more if there are more characters.

#Forsaken Twin = Luka Crosszeria #Dearest Leader = Reiga Giou (Kanata Wakamiya) #Precious Light = Yuki Giou (The Light) #Zweilt Guardians (TBA) = The Zweilts #Little Companion = Sodom #Lord of All = Lucifer #Reiga’s Affiliation = Cadenza, Elegy

#Otherworldly Beings = Crossovers

I wanted to say that I am glad that I had the opportunity to open this blog for him just for the fun of it. But it’s becoming something on the side that I also enjoy doing once in awhile every time I hop on Tumblr.

I used to be into FFXIV content but that crave got waaay too over the top for me as I see everyone I played with kind of is ... Over-the-top-hyped, especially on Twitter. It honestly killed my mood to the point where I had to step away from the “Craziness” by a large margin and enjoy it my own way. And from Twitter, mind you.

But it wasn’t until Luze Crosszeria came across. He made me realized, I could do my own thing. I don’t need to be caught up with everyone. Just go on your own pace. Do what you love, and don’t follow the trend but your own different path. Dare to be different rather than be the same.

I felt pressured to be caught up with everyone in FFXIV because I had raid and many artists did so much crossovers with their own characters with other trending games coming out. Honestly, I did that for awhile. But whenever I tried to, I just never feel any opportunity to finish or start it. It’s just something about drawing FFXIV characters that get to me. I don’t know what it is, but I would only draw my Au Ra, Krowell Raggs because he was already based off of another character, Ayanami from 07 Ghost. Maybe I am not original enough.

Maybe I am just a sucker for other existing characters that look compelling or have so many relatable aspects towards my life situations. If they don’t have that much background information, it’s always fun to find hints or other canon/non canon things about them. Maybe even go deeper onto how they will react or progress through situations. It began with Ayanami from 07 Ghost, where I would do so much fanart of him because of that relation and his story was tragic even though it wasn’t strongly brought out. But you can tell from his emotions, how he reacts to other people, and how he became to be. I was conflicted of doing FFXIV and 07 Ghost art at the same time. However, as I said, Luze was introduced in my imaginations/stories and he completely removed my thoughts of raiding, being caught up, and backing away from something I really never put my mind into.

And I am very grateful for him persuading me to. Even though this seems like an internal thought thing, and he may be a fictional character, but I always look back to where I first discovered him and think, “Man. Luze was the one who started it all: Stop raiding to have my own downtime. Draw what you want and NEVER feel forced to. Focus on your own interests and play other games that you love rather than where everyone is at times.” Trust me on the last bit. I still need to get through Othercide.

Anyway, I know I have said this many times but I don’t know what else to do to express my gratitude. Thank you so very much for following this blog! It truly means a lot that I am able to bring this little known character to life. Would I use different web formats to bring him out more? Who knows! Still considering if I should relocate my stories to different writing sites!

In the mean time, I will try my best to keep up Luze here for you all. And for those who are Luka fans, I will also try my best to let that happen! Love you all! And remember, to love each other! <3

#Unheard Words #Gale Spider #Mun #Luze #Luze Crosszeria #Uraboku #Uragiri Wa Boku no Namae wo Shitteiru #Betrayal Knows My Name #Art #Digital Art

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crazycat-88 · 5 years ago

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Male Spider Monster Silus x Gender Neutral Reader (SFW)

Note: This is my first piece of writing in a very long time and my first exophilia story. Written for the awesome OkCryptid Collab. Its also the first instalment of a series of stories I’m currently working on.

A huge thanks goes to @thetravelerwrites for proofreading/editing this piece. She’s an absolute star and fantastic writer, who dedicates a lot of her time to this community, supporting other writers and helping readers find exophilia works by maintaining both the OkCryptid Masterlist & the Exophilia Creators Masterlist. So go give her your love and support over on her blog.

Without further ado, here’s 4,124 words of human/monster romance. Hope you enjoy it.

Sitting at your desk, trying to write the newest chapter of your latest novel, you sigh when you her a ping from your mobile. In all honesty, the distraction is welcome; you’ve been suffering from a major case of writer's block and you’d take any excuse to put your work aside.

Checking your notifications, you sigh again when you see it’s from OkCryptid, the monster and cryptid dating app created to help monsters find mates, that you’d downloaded a couple of weeks beforehand. You had hoped it would give you a better chance at finding the one but so far you’d had the same amount of luck that you had with every other app on the market. Which was none.

You hadn’t been on a date in months. Your last relationship was over three years ago and so far things weren’t looking very positive with this new dating app. Since joining, there were very few matches and all the messages you’d received were either from men just looking to hook up for that night or they were dick pics. You couldn’t fathom why anyone thought that sending a picture of their dick would somehow seduce you but they did it anyway.

Taking a deep breath, you check to see what it’s notifying you off and you see that you have a new match and have been sent a new message from a user named Silus. Swearing to yourself that if it’s another unsolicited picture you were deleting the app, you open the message first without bothering to check his profile. No point in getting your hopes up before seeing what he’s sent you.

[Sent: 2:47pm] Silus: Hey, how are you today? I’ve recently just moved to the area and we’ve matched… So I thought I’d just say hi…

Well, that was a good start. It's certainly the nicest message you’ve received so far. Deciding to check his profile, you gasp, seeing that he’s an arachnid, specifically a spider type, which you’d never seen before.

Most arachnids chose to avoid the city, mainly due to their size and their preference for solitude. They weren’t known to be the most social of creatures and, despite being known to the general public for a couple of centuries, were one of the few species that shunned modern society, choosing to remain in forests or caves far from civilization. You weren’t sure if this was because of their nature or due to the fact that they were one of the few monsters many humans, and even some other monsters, still feared. Even those who weren’t outright scared of arachnid type monsters were still wary and uncomfortable around them.

You’re not sure how you feel about them, never having actually met one but you’re not exactly a fan of spiders. While you aren’t scared of them, they did make you squeamish. Shuddering thinking of the large spider you had to remove from your flat the day before, you decide to at least check over Silus’s profile and pictures.

His profile bio was short and sweet: he stated his name, age, and sexual orientation before going on to say that he loved plants and flowers, music, poetry and going for walks in the moonlight. He’d also added that he had just moved to the city and was looking to make new friends and hopefully find a mate. He had a gallery full of pictures, which were mostly pictures of various types of flowers, but he had a couple of himself.

Enlarging the first picture of himself, which was a selfie of just his face and torso, you were pleasantly surprised to find that you didn’t mind his spider features. His head and body was humanoid in shape, his skin incredibly pale and his very long, very straight hair was a shiny white. He had four eyes that were completely black with no sclera, those eyes sat in a row, with two larger in the centre and two smaller either side of those. His mouth was wide and in the photo he was grinning, showing that he had nothing but two large fangs in his upper jaw. His shoulders were broad and his torso was well built, with clearly defined muscles though he wasn’t overly muscular.

Swiping through his photos, you find another picture of him, this one being a full body shot which was clearly taken from a small distance. Here you could see his lower body where is torso ended and joined with his spider half, which looked large and bulbous, black in colour but covered in fine white hair which looked fuzzy. Attached to this body were eight long jointed legs which were also covered in fine white hairs. His legs looked as thick as tree trunks and you couldn’t be sure from looking at the photo but he looked huge.

This part of his body did make you apprehensive, and the more you look at it the worse you feel. Flicking between the two pictures you couldn’t decide if you were attracted to him or not. On one hand you found him incredibly beautiful, with his large pitch black eyes that you could easily get lost in and his gorgeous sleek looking hair and toned upper body. He also seemed sweet natured and had a lovely smile despite the fangs.

On the other hand, his spider lower half gave you the shivers and those long legs creeped you out. You cringed looking at them again and even thinking about those legs in motion made you shudder. Chewing on your lip you debated with yourself; you’d matched with him so obviously you had things in common and you didn’t have to jump into a relationship with him. You could always be friends first and see if it went anywhere. You just weren’t sure you could get over those eight legs…

Ping.

Startled, you look back at your phone which had gone to sleep at some point during your mental debate, and you see you have received another message from Silus.

[Sent: 3:16pm] Silus: I like your profile by the way, you’re very beautiful.... We must have a lot in common, I’ve been using this app for over a year now and I’ve never seen such a high percentage match...

Checking you see that he’s right, you’ve matched with him eighty-eight percent which was much higher than any other match you’d had and from everything you’d heard it was really rare to get a match that high. It was just your luck he had to be an arachnid, he seemed really nice too. Deciding to think further on it and make a decision later, you go back to writing, after all your novel wasn’t going to write itself.

A couple of hours later, feeling like you’ve made a lot of progress, you decide it’s time for some food. However a quick search around the kitchen reminds you that you’ve not been shopping in days. Take-away it is then.

Ping!

Frowning you see you’ve gotten another message from Silus, thinking he’s getting a little pushy, you open it to read.

[Sent: 5:30pm] Silus: Hey again, so I was thinking… I would understand if your not interested, many people don’t like arachnids…. I know a lot of people, especially humans are scared of my kind… But I hope you’ll give me a chance and see I’m not scary at all… or maybe your just busy or at work... Sorry...

Crap! You’d forgotten that your settings had been set to send read receipts. He knows you’ve read his messages and now thinks you’re ignoring him. You wonder how often that happens to him, he sounds so dejected and now you feel bad. He’d said in his earlier message that he’d been using the app for over a year so that meant he’d not had much luck finding someone. A bit like me then, thinking to yourself. Looking at his pictures again, you come to a decision.

[Sent: 5:32pm] You: Hi Silus, I’m good thanks and I was working… I am interested but to be honest I’ve never met an arachnid before and I’m unsure how I feel about it.

Silus: Oh my gosh, you replied :-) Thank you! It’s okay that you feel that way, at least you’re willing to give me a chance…

Silus: Lots of people are afraid of spiders and by extension spider monsters but honestly I wouldn’t hurt a fly…

Silus: …Well that’s a lie and probably a bad example, but really I’m not scary in the slightest…

Chuckling, you rather like Silus’s sense of humour though you’re not sure he was aiming to be funny. He was so sweet and seemed really surprised that you’d replied. Makes you wonder again how many people have ignored him just because of what he is.

You: Lol! I’m not scared of spiders exactly but they do make me uncomfortable… I’d like to get to know you though...

You: So… how are liking city life?

*************

You and Silus spent the rest of the evening getting to know each other. You learn that he works as a florist, that he’s renting a flat in the city centre and is flat sharing with a moth monster. Which did surprise you as you thought that their two species have a turbulent history. He asks what you do for work and then about the novel you’re currently writing.

The two of you end up talking long into the night and at some point you fall asleep still mid conversation. As soon as you wake up you're checking your phone for messages from Silus. You have two, the first answering the question you’d asked just before falling asleep and a second twenty minutes later where he says that he assumes you’ve falling asleep and to have sweet dreams.

Smiling to yourself, you send him a message confirming that you did in fact fall asleep and that you’re sorry about that. You then decide to get up and start your day. An hour later Silus is messaging you good morning and telling you not to worry about it. The two of you spend the rest of the morning chatting until he has to go to work. He messages again once he’s home from work and you spend the evening in the same manner as the night before.

The rest of the week followed the same pattern, work, eat and chat to Silus. By this point the two of you had swapped mobile numbers and were now communicating via both text and call. He had the loveliest voice and often during calls you forgot that you had to respond. Meeting in person wasn't a subject brought up until exactly one week after you’d first started chatting.

You were just sitting, eating lunch when you heard the ping of your mobile.

[Sent: 2:13pm] Silus: Afternoon gorgeous, are you free this evening? If you are, would you like to get a drink in town?

Taking a deep breath, you think it over, you really liked Silus and were pretty confident now that the two of you could really have something good together. Him being an arachnid no longer made you uncomfortable, at least in theory, but you were incredibly nervous. What if you saw him in person and you couldn’t see past those eight legs, you didn’t want to hurt him. Or what if when he saw you, he thought you weren’t as attractive in person. A previous date had told you that you looked thinner in your photos after all. You sigh, either way you had to know, for both your sakes.

You: Afternoon, I am free tonight and that would be lovely. Where were you thinking?

Silus: Great! :-D My flatmate works in this bar and restaurant which caters for folks like us, called The Bears Den, does that sound okay to you? It’s in city centre.

You: Yes of course! What time?

Silus: 6pm? Shall I come pick you up or would you rather we meet there?

You: 6 works for me. I’ll just meet you there, no point in you leaving the city centre to come collect me :-) I’ll get the bus, will only take me twenty minutes.

Silus: If you’re sure, I don’t mind the extra journey, I’d travel hours to pick you up ;-)

You: Lol, your so sweet but yes I’m sure. I’ll see you there at 6.

Silus: Alright then, I’ll meet you outside the bar. See you later gorgeous… can’t wait.

You: Me either! See you soon!

Checking the clock, you see that it was already 2:30pm and you had no idea what you were going to wear. Deciding your best bet would be to call your fashion-forward best friend and get her advice, your frustrated when she doesn’t answer. Oh well best go raid your wardrobe.

************

Your shaking with nerves by the time you get there and of course your twenty minutes early. Standing outside the bar feeling like an utter twit, you inspect the building. The outside is painted a glossy black and the name of the bar is painted in gold cursive above the very wide, very tall doors. It looked nice. Through the glass in the doors you could see the place already had a good number of patrons despite the early time.

You’re surprised and jump in shock when you hear your name spoken softly from behind you. Spinning around you come face to face with Silus, well more accurately you came face to stomach with Silus, because he was huge. Your breath catches in your throat and you gaze in astonishment at his form.

His large spider lower body was lowered to just inches off the ground and his long legs were arched upwards, their height reached to his human torso before coming back down to the ground. This close you could see that he had three claws at the end of each of those legs. Shifting your gaze back up, you took notice that he was wearing a smart midnight blue shirt before your attention was brought to his hands, which he was wringing togethering in nervousness. Looking to his face you could see that he looked wary but his mouth was turned up into a tentative smile.

It’s only when he quietly says your name and asks if you're alright that you realise that you’ve stood there just staring at him for the past two minutes. Giving yourself a mental shake you manage to give him a nod.

‘‘Yes! I’m good, thanks! Um... hi...’’ you giggle nervously.

‘‘Hi...’’ he replies, smile widening. ‘You still want to do this?’’

‘‘Yes, of course, sorry! Shall we go in?’’ You stammer.

Holding the door open for you, he shakes his head ‘‘No need to be sorry, I know I’m a lot to process.’’

‘‘Um... just a bit, I wasn’t expecting you to be so... big,’’ you stammer, as you pass under his arm into the bar.

‘‘Does it bother you?’’ He asks, as you make your way to the bar.

Shaking your head and giving him a smile over shoulder, you glance around the bar and see the vast majority of patrons are other non-humans. Behind the bar serving you spot a lizardfolk, who looks like a leopard gecko and a white tiger rakshasa. The rakshasa looks your way and raises a brow when he clocks Silus at your side. Making his way down the bar with a large grin on his face, you hear Silus let out a groan and suddenly he leans down to whisper in your ear, ‘‘He’s a harmless flirt.’’

‘‘What?’’ You stammer, but before he can say anything else the Rakshasa is standing in front of you and leaning over the bar to clasp Silus’s hand.

‘‘Ayaan,’’ Silus nods.

‘‘Silus,’’ rumbles the rakshasa, ‘‘It’s been awhile. Who’s your cute friend?’’ He says looking at you and giving you a wink.

Silus makes the introductions and as you give Ayaan your hand to shake, he leans down to kiss the back of your hand and gives you a cheeky grin. You understand now what Silus meant. Turning to Silus, Ayaan asks ‘‘Does Rowan know you’re out on a date?’’

‘‘Yes, and he’s upset he’s not here to see it’’ Silus replies, laughing. You give him a questioning look, but he just shakes his head at you and mouth’s later.

Turning back to Ayaan and ordering your drinks you head to a table towards the back of the bar where it’s quieter. Whilst you sit on a chair, Silus pushes the chair opposite you towards another table and lowers his spider body to the floor shifting his legs to a comfortable position. As you watch him do this, it occurs to you that your not feeling squeamish like you feared you might. In fact, your itching to lean over and see if those hairs are as fuzzy as they look. Giving Silus a smile, you see that he’s gazing just as intensely at you.

‘‘You’re very beautiful,’’ he says, swallowing nervously.

‘‘Thank you. So are you,’’ you reply, blushing.

‘��No I’m not,’’ he says sadly, fixing you a look. ‘‘I look monstrous, I know that… but thank you for saying it anyway.”

Shaking your head you reply, ‘‘Yes, you are! You’re gorgeous, Silus…. at least you are to me, anyway,’’ you mumble shyly, reaching over the table to grasp his hand and squeezing it briefly.

Silus blushes prettily, looking at your hands shyly. Turning his hand around to clasp yours in a soft hold. ‘‘Thank you,’’ he says, sounding choked.

Hoping to distract him, you ask ‘‘So.. Is Ayaan a good friend of yours?’’

‘‘Oh yeah,’’ he replies shaking his head as if coming out of a daze, ‘‘I met him through Rowan.’’

‘‘And Rowan is? And why is he upset that he’s not here?’’ You ask raising a brow.

Chucking he replies, ‘‘Sorry, Rowans my flatmate and he’s upset because he thinks I’m probably going to make a fool of myself and he’s not here to see it…’’

‘‘Oh. Well... you haven’t, so he’s not missing anything,’’ you smile. “Is it his night off then?’’ You ask.

Shaking his head, ‘‘Nope, he would usually be working now but he’s gone home to West Oaks to attend one of his sister's wedding.’’

‘‘West Oaks? That’s where your from too right?’’ You ask.

Nodding, ‘‘Yeah... we grew up together, best friends since school. Neighbours too. We were both the youngest of all our many siblings so we spent our childhood bemoaning our lot in life.’’ He had a fond smile on his face.

‘‘You have a lot of siblings?’’ You ask sipping at your drink.

‘‘Yep! I’m one of twenty-six.’’ He grins.

‘‘No. Way.’’ you reply, sputtering.

Laughing, Silus nods ‘‘Arachnids tend to lay a lot of eggs... Moths do too, actually, Rowan is one of thirty.’’

‘‘Oh wow! No wonder the two of you banded together,’’ You say stunned.

‘‘Yeah, so when Ro decided he wanted to move to the city, I told him I was coming with,’’ Silus chuckles.

‘‘And.. do you like it here?’’

‘‘Yeah, it’s nice,’’ he tells you nodding. ‘‘Very different from living rurally, of course, and I miss the forest sometimes, but there’s a lot of good things about living in the city.’’

Before you can reply to that, Ayaan is suddenly at your table with a massive grin on his face, startling you both. Silus jerks so badly four of his legs flick out causing Ayaan to snicker loudly.

‘‘You two looked liked you were having fun, so I thought I’d offer table service’’ he says putting another two drinks down on the table. ‘‘Drink up,’’ he says and salutes before strolling back to the bar. You see the gecko behind the bar shaking his head at Ayaan’s antics, catching your eye he gives you an apologetic look before turning to serve another customer.

‘He’s a character,’’ You laughingly say, looking back at Silus.

‘‘That’s one word to describe him,’’ he chuckles jokingly.

You and Silus spent the rest of the evening talking and laughing, as he tells you stories from his childhood and teenage years where he and Rowan would get themselves into trouble. You tell him some of your own stories in return, telling him of the shenanigans that you and your best friend regularly got up to.

The two of you are so absorbed in each other that you don’t realise how late it has gotten until you hear a loud bellow from the otherside of the bar. Glancing around you see that the place is now packed full of boisterous patrons and that you have somehow missed the fact there is now a live band on stage. Over by the pool tables there is a large minotaur and a small goblin having a tussle over a pool cue and a very large orc with a dark scowl, who is obviously security is headed their way. Behind the bar both the gecko and Ayaan are looking harried and have been joined by a harpy and some type of avian.

You and Silus come to a mutual agreement that it’s time to call it a night. As Silus leads the way out of the bar, the other patrons quickly shift out of his way and a few of them stare openly, looking wary. Whilst you enjoy the fact that no one is in your personal space and you have room to move, you also feel sad that people look at him like he might turn around and eat them. You glare fiercely at one particular customer that’s standing staring rudely open mouthed, seeing your scowl they suddenly about-turn and run in the opposite direction.

Outside, you take in a deep breath of fresh air, glad to be out in the quiet. Turning to Silus you see that he’s watching you, a soft smile on his face.

‘‘Is it always like that in there?’’ You ask.

Shaking his head in the negative he replies, ‘‘Not really. It only tends to get that busy at weekends.’’

Nodding, you began speaking only to stop suddenly seeing that another orc, who looks like the double of the one inside, working the door watching you both with a sly grin. Smiling awkwardly, you and Silus start walking in a random direction.

‘‘So... what were you going to say?’’ He asks as he looks down at you.

‘‘Oh,’’ you smile, ‘‘Just that I had a really good time tonight.’’

‘‘So did I,’’ Silus blushes. “Perhaps we could do this again sometime?’’

‘‘Definitely,’’ you grin.

‘‘Would you.. like a ride home?’’

‘‘You drive?’’ You ask incredulously, looking at his spider lower half trying to work out the logistics of that.

‘‘No...’’ he chuckles. “I meant would you like to ride me?’’

Looking at him wide eyed, you suddenly break down snorting in laugher. Confused Silus raises a questioning brow.

‘‘What?’’ He asks completely befuddled.

Trying to calm yourself, you breath in deeply and ask, “Ride you? Talk about innuendo...’’ you grin.

Frowning it takes him a second to register. “Oh! I didn’t mean…’’ he groans. ‘I just meant… um… never mind,’’ he says, shaking his head with cheeks flushed red in embarrassment.

‘‘Maybe another time,’’ you smile eyeing his large lower body. ‘I’ll take a taxi tonight.’’ You nod towards the taxi rank across the road.

‘‘Right, well. I guess I have to say goodnight then,’’ he replies, smiling wistfully.

Nodding, you glance between his eyes and mouth, getting the hint he leans down and stops a hair width distance giving you the opportunity to change your mind. You don’t. Closing the distance between you, your eyes close as your lips meet his.

A quick peck leads to another, and then another, before you know it your tongue is in his mouth and you’re carefully exploring his mouth, being mindful with his fangs. One of his hands cradles your head as the other traces patterns on your back. Both your hands start on his shoulders before slowly roaming downwards. As you reach the point where his human torso meets his spider half, you softly stoke him there, feeling his soft hair tickle your hands. Silus suddening pulls away, panting harshly.

‘‘We have to stop,’’ he gasps.

You nod, agreeing and inhaling deeply.

‘‘Text me when you’re home?’’ He asks, searching your face.

Promising him that you would, you wish him goodnight moving quickly and getting in the first taxi. Silus gives a wave as the taxi pulls away and you see him watching you until your no longer in sight. Sitting back in the seat, you touch your fingertips to your lips.

Wow. That was some kiss.

——————————————————————

That’s all folks. If you enjoyed this, please reblog. Comments/likes are always appreciated too. Thanks!

My Masterlist

#spider monster #arachnid #monster/reader #monster/human #okcryptid #male monster #drider #interspecies relationship #exophilia

507 notes · View notes

selfcareparker · 4 years ago

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(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)

the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!

also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))

lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA

THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)

SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ

WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down

i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained

music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!

okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.

GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon

🥰

oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333

the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not

i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY

okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.

ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰

(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)

but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.

now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)

your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK

OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on

i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)

i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)

(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)

What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰

Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)

#lovely anon #BY THE WAY: do not feel bad or apologise for not answering straight away #you can take your time i know it can be exhausting (not bc its anything bad but just because its so much and so long) to answer to my shit #all at once*#so really i don‘t mind if you take a few days or a week or whatever to respond #or if you want to you can respond bit by bit/topic by topic whenever you feel like it #so you don‘t have to concentrate on an ask and my post for like AN HOUR DLSKJ but rather do it in smaller chunks #if you want <3 #btw i‘m always so scared that i‘ll type lonely anon instead of lovely dldjdjsksk so if i ever do that i‘m just being #(cue your autocorrect dldkdj) a dumb bitch #its 1 am now sorry if there are any mistakes (i‘ll stop apologing from now now lol but i still am sorry you have to read my word vomit lmao)#*apologis #*from now on #omg

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wellknownwolf · 5 years ago

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I want to move into a new phase in my relationship with fandom, as I mature with new experiences. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like though. What is your take on the parasocial affection inherent in an RPF like Rhett & Link? Or even the deep attachments that can form with fictional characters? Or a desire to emulate fantasy worlds? I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with all this, it's just that it's been a long time coming, and once I got started I couldn't stop. - Natasha (5)

First, let me post the full question, since it came in 5 parts:

Hey, it's me again. Your 'mystery inquirer', as you so adorably dubbed me. You're right, I had forgotten I'd sent in that ask. Just now, I couldn't help but think about a scene from Life After, as I am wont to on a frightfully regular basis, which is what got me back here. When you said you pondered over my seemingly simple, banal question for a good while, and wrote out a beautifully thoughtful answer like you always do, it made me happy.

Your narrative voice is similar to my own, and it made my chest ache in a certain way to have gotten such a response to what felt like a random shout out into the abyss (though it obviously wasn't, I sent it directly to you, I guess it's more what it felt like taking a chance on a conversation with a random stranger online). And now I'm cringing a bit at how melodramatic all sounds. But I'm committing to it, anyway. That's the beauty of anon, eh?

Wolfie (is it presumptuous to call you that? Please do forgive me the liberty I'm taking), I must admit. I'm quite envious of this community you have with @missingparentheses, @lunar-winterlude, and other wonderful people. Since childhood, I've been head over heels in love with fandom. Not a specific fandom, I've been a traveller through dozens, but fandom in general. I've read probably thousands of fanfics, spent countless hours daydreaming about beloved characters and their stories.

To the point where, in my most recent and worst depressive episode, it may have been for the worse, if I'm honest. Escapism and yearning to the point of impairment, engendering a sense of constant bereavement. But it's taught me so much about life and its wonders, I can't write it off as just some damaging habit. It's such an integral part of who I am, a deeply curious soul (shout out to my Enneagram Type 5-ers out there!). But I don't anyone to share it with, and it can get quite lonely.

.....................................................................

Thank you for giving me so much to respond to, Natasha. Thank you for continuing to reach out. I accidentally wrote something like a paper in response to your thoughtful question. I even conducted a little research and cited a source. ENGLISH TEACHER, ACTIVATE!

Also, for what it’s worth, I feel at times that I communicate exclusively through shouts into the abyss, so it’s a language with which I am at home. In fact, it is this very technique, this experiment with intense vulnerability at the hands of a virtual stranger, that earned me one of my absolutely most-treasured friends: @missingparentheses. I have poured out a great deal of my own melodrama to her, and she has received it and reciprocated it in a way that, three years later, continues to teach me how to be a better friend. In short, I’m a firm believer in diving straight in when it comes to new friends. Cringe not; I’m on board.

So let’s dive.

R&L is really only the second “fandom” with which I’ve been involved. Third, if we count my preteen obsession with ‘N Sync (and considering how much wall space I dedicated to their posters and self-printed photos, we probably should). My point is, while I don’t have much experience with the community facet of fandom, I do relate to your feeling of near-obsession. Or clear obsession.

I know the feeling of escapism you’re describing, and I know the yearning and melancholy that can come on our worst days, where we feel like “real life” will never measure up to the color and brilliance of the worlds we spend so much time considering. These worlds, these characters and their relationships, their challenges, victories, and defeats all seem so purposeful: they’re the plot points we use to craft the stories in our heads (regardless of whether we’re writers at all). It can be much harder to view ourselves as protagonists worth analyzing, viewing and reviewing through new lenses, perhaps because we’re warned against navel-gazing, perhaps because our self-perception just won’t allow for it. Maybe a little of both.

But yes! It teaches us! We DO learn about life, other people, love, risk, all kinds of things through what we consume in these fandoms, so I would never classify it as a “bad” thing. We hone our imaginations and learn to pay attention to our own emotions as we recognize feelings from our favorite shows, games, books, and characters arising in ourselves.

I used to be a little afraid of the fact that I was always telling myself stories, internally imagining myself as someone else, a player in the worlds I often loved more than my own. I suspected that someday, somehow, I would be caught playing pretend all the time in my own little ways. I was a bright and ambitious young woman, so why would I give so much of my mental energy to such frivolous pursuits?

In my first semester of graduate school, though, I learned from a Lit. Theory professor who intimidated the hell out of me that we all do this. We’re all telling ourselves stories all the time, some of which are true and close to objective reality, some of which are more subjective to whatever fantastical (or fandom) material we last consumed. I’ve whispered my own dialogue in the shower, but so have you whispered yours in your head (if not also out loud in your shower!). And through this act, however it is performed, I have made those worlds part of my own. So have you. In this way, they are real, and I no longer feel fearful of being “found out.”

When we have those moments of doubt, though, when we wonder whether we’re going too far, it probably stems, at least partially, from the “us v. them” divide between fandom and mainstream society. We love our little worlds, but we also feel that twinge of anxiety that we might be bordering on obsession, that our guilty pleasure might be discovered and we will be socially punished for it, namely, as Joli Jensen writes in “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization,” because “the fan is characterized as (at least potentially) an obsessed loner, suffering from a disease of isolation, or a frenzied crowd member, suffering from a disease of contagion. In either case, the fan is seen as being irrational, out of control, and prey to a number of external forces” (13). According the consistent covert (and overt, at times) messages of the mainstream, “[f]andom is conceived of as a chronic attempt to compensate for a perceived personal lack of autonomy, absence of community, incomplete identity, lack of power and lack of recognition” (Jensen 17). Yikes. That doesn’t feel good to admit about ourselves, does it?

Luckily, it’s bullshit.

Treating “fans” as others (outsiders, people who can’t form relationships or find fulfillment in the “real world”) “risks denigrating them in ways that are insulting and absurd” (Jensen 25). Those who take this stance, who see fans as victims of hysteria or desperate loners, do so in order to “develop and defend a self-serving moral landscape. That terrain cultivates in us a dishonorable moral stance of superiority, because it makes other into examples of extrinsic forces, while implying that we [members solely of the mainstream] somehow remain pure, autonomous, ad unafflicted” (Jensen 25). In short, that us/them thinking just makes people feel better about themselves by pointing out an easily-identifiable “other.”

I have also grappled with the concept of parasocial affection, particularly with R&L. I was well into writing my first Rhink fic when the thought crossed my mind, “Oh my god, what if I actually met these people someday? How would I look them in the eye? I’d feel like a crazy person (again)!” From the safety of the Midwest, I laughed off the thought. And then a year or so later, they were announcing their first tour. And I was still writing, here and there, still deep in my affection for them, sometimes wrestling with the thought that I’ve devoted so much energy to people who would never know I exist.

It doesn’t matter that the attachment was in the most obvious, tangible ways only one-sided. As an adult who is ever-learning how to navigate the worlds of her own creation and the ones over which she has far less control, I view my intense attachment to characters both real and fictional with deep fondness. And while I may not receive affection or attention directly from the sources (R&L, fictional characters, sports teams, who/whatever we build fandoms around), I am still earning some very real rewards for my involvement: Because of them, I found my way to a participatory culture in which I was supported and encouraged to express my creativity. This gave me the push and interest that I needed to hone skills that have not only made me a better writer, but also a better teacher and mentor. With fandom comes the ability to immediately strike up a conversation over shared interests. With fandom comes a sense of belonging in what we have proven is an awfully divisive world.

Right now, I’m consuming far less fandom-related material than I did a few years ago. I don’t really watch GMM anymore and I’m on a break from Ear Biscuits (though I still love it), Gotham ended over a year ago and I’m not in the habit of reading fics right now, and I can’t yet play the remade Final Fantasy 7, so that’s out for me, too (though I know I will fall deep into that well once the game is in my hot little hands). This all happened by itself. I never consciously moved away from these sources; I just floated on to other interests and other levels of interest, knowing that if and when I wanted to dig back in, I could always come back.

I used to feel quite sad at the thought of someday “moving on” from these intense interests. I couldn’t fathom somehow falling out of love with those bands, actors, or video games. But for me, the transition into wherever I am now has not been painful in the least. I’m glad I knew the intensity that I did, and I’m happy with the distance I have now. And there’s a good chance I’ll be fanatic about something else someday. I’m looking forward to it!

Here are some responses that I couldn’t organically fit into my essay:

Yes, you can call me Wolfie if you’d like. That name started with @missingparentheses (her second appearance in this answer!), and quickly became a reminder to not take myself too seriously.

Second, I don’t think I know any other Type 5s! I’m a type 8.

Also, here’s my MLA formatted citation for the Jensen source:

Jensen, Joli. “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization.” The Adoring Audience: Fan Culture and Popular Media, Routledge, 1992, pp. 9-29.

#ask me anything #fandom meta-discourse #bc I always said I wouldn't get involved in fandom discourse #oh no I'm us/them-ing in my tags!#shame on me!

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putschki1969 · 6 years ago

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A reply

vyselegendaire I don't know why there is bad blood between CPM and Putschki. Each forum has its plus and minus. CPM forums have had trolls, but since its a forum I feel people have a chance to be a bit more expressive of their opinions, and thus there is negativity, but frankly its mostly in the forum of humor and farce. There are almost no dedicated haters on the site who don't wish to see more great music from our favorite artists.

vyselegendaire Additionally, amidst all of the complaints of negativity and dreariness, lest we forget the scourge of censorship - which is on the rise across the internet - before we cast shade on those we disagree with as being bad. Censorship and content removal is the tool of tyrants since time immemorial and don't think you are immune, ask

vyselegendaire Just ask Solzhenitsyn

Hi there!

I thought it best to make a proper reply post because I have a few things to say in response to your comments. These comments were made on THIS post here where I am talking about online fandoms in general....It took me a while to get back to you, sorry about that.

All right everyone, strap in for a LONG (and slightly petty) reply...

It feels like in all my previous replies I have been talking to a wall…I have said it before and I am gonna say it one more time, there is no war between myself and CPM, there is no ancient feud and I wouldn’t even say there is any “bad blood” between us. I haven’t really engaged with any particular member enough for there to be “bad blood“. My main issue with CPM is that I do not enjoy the toxic atmosphere over there. Why would I willingly subject myself to all that negativity? I might be the only one out there that feels this way but I wanna ENJOY my fandom. All the nitpicking, bickering, gossiping, bullying and bashing, it’s utterly exhausting and it sucks the life right out of me. I don’t wanna waste my time engaging in polemic discourse and childish quarrels day in day out. I mean, even responding to all those recent asks/messages has been utterly exhausting because I feel like I have been put on trial for simply wanting to be a decent human being.

CPM has had a few trolls....? No kidding....Please don’t get me started on the trolls.... I haven’t even been active on CPM but I still had to deal with them. Why you ask? Because we have had at least two people from CPM terrorise the tumblr fandom in the past….those trolls actually made the effort to come here and cause turmoil just for the fun of it…that’s how fucked up they are...As you can imagine, I wasn’t impressed…

Unlike you, I just don’t see the merits of posting on CPM. Yes, I have been in some lovely forums in the past and they certainly do offer a few advantages but when it comes to CPM, the negative aspects far outweigh the positive ones. Yes, a forum is better suited to interact with people but then again, I have plenty of ways to interact with fellow fans here as well. And if we are being honest, I am not the type of fan that actively seeks out interaction, especially not with people who suffer from a serious case of entitlement. You could call it a pet-peeve of mine but I really can’t stand it when fans act all entitled as if they were owed something. And you know what’s the worst thing about it? The most annoying entitled haters on CPM are usually people who are not invested in the fandom at all! Yes, they are very much invested when it comes to hating on and complaining about stuff but aside from that I don’t see them do anything else “productive”. They just sit back and let other people do the work. They don’t bother to seek out new information, they wait for someone else to do it.... Most also don’t bother to learn Japanese in order to get a better understanding, they wait for someone else to make all the translations or they just pretend to know everything and come to absurd conclusions which usually results in heaps of misunderstandings... Often they refuse to buy releases, they would much rather wait for downloads in order to then declare they are happy they didn’t spend a fortune on that since it’s trash anyways...They also typically don’t attend any lives but they are more than happy to complain from the distance... It baffles me how people like that have the nerve to act so entitled even though they don’t show an ounce of support.

There is another reason I do not wish to interact with a majority of the people on CPM. Many of them find pleasure in ridiculing me. I know everyone over there is making fun of me for being a “pussy”, for playing “Kalafina-police”, for apparently seeing everything through “rose-tinted glasses”. It seems like in their eyes nothing I write can be taken seriously because I am neither “honest” nor “objective”. I guess in this day and age you have to be a disrespectful asshole for people to consider you “honest/objective” and for someone to actually pay attention to you... But really, that’s just not who I am. I have zero tolerance when it comes to any sort of bashing of the people I adore and respect under the guise of so called “constructive criticism” and I do not wish to interact with anyone who thinks that’s okay. And before anyone misinterprets what I am saying, no, I am not implying that Kalafina are above criticism or that every kind of criticism is bad, that’s not the case at all...but as I have pointed out numerous times, it’s all about HOW you criticise...

As for your point about being able to be more expressive in a forum, that is completely untrue. Nothing is stopping me from being as expressive as I want to be on this site. Free expression does not equate negativity, if you think the opportunity to express yourself is somehow a free pass for being an asshole then you are wrong.

“There are almost no dedicated haters on the site who don't wish to see more great music from our favorite artists” Uhmm...and that somehow absolves them of all their wrong-doings? NO! This statement makes me really angry because it embodies the fucked-up mindset of so many haters in fandom. At one point in the past I used to like it so that gives me the right to bash on everything now and I refuse to find something else because I know for sure that one day they will create the exact thing that I want. THIS is how these people think...And it leads me right back to the point I made about entitlement. Throughout many years these fans have created an unattainable image in their mind. Everything that’s not in line with that idea is automatically written off as trash... Fact is it is very unlikely they will ever get what they want. So consumed with bitterness and hatred it’s almost impossible for these people to see greatness in anything. It’s a vicious cycle and the only way to escape is to move on to another fandom.

Your second comment is a tad over-dramatic wouldn’t you agree? It also sounds like a low-key threat and I really don’t appreciate that. I am very much aware that I am not immune to censorship but I am not sure what your point is. Are you trying to tell me that my only chance to avoid cencorship is to relocate to CPM? No thanks. I would rather find another platform or get my own website. Also, I have invested way too much into this tumblr blog, it’s not something I can simply give up and move on. I know many tumblr users have relocated to other platforms as a sort of protest but I will definitely not do that. If things become worse I will have to think of something but as of right now, I can live with the situation on tumblr. Let’s see what the future holds...

I guess instead of replying to questions about CPM you want me to write essays about censorship on tumblr which is - according to you - the very scourge of humanity? Sorry, I am not the type to use my blog for political statements. Yeah, I will admit, things have been a bit troublesome on tumblr but it’s certainly not as bad as some people make it out to be... I don’t necessarily agree with the methods they are using but they are par for the course...And I definitely wouldn’t compare the regulations that are implemented on this website (however sloppy they may be) to actual censorship that has happened and is still happening to people in the “real world”.

Okay, I think that’s it for me...

#kalafina #wakana #keiko #hikaru #reply #cpm #rant #long text post

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niallisherelove · 5 years ago

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3 years of loving (1) man.

I love this man. But, that isn’t even enough to say. I feel like the word “love” for him isn’t even close to what I feel. If Niall wasn’t in my life, I would feel completely empty. My heart would not get the joy, that I get from him anywhere else. Niall James Horan isn’t just a funny, good looking celebrity to me. He is my safe zone, and writing this post I can’t even find words. There really isn’t anything I can say besides he has captured me like no one else has. He makes me feel happy, he makes me laugh, smile, cry, scream, shout, and get so excited that I can’t breathe. Makes me tear up, without even trying. And, I can’t really tell you why. But, I can tell you exactly why I love him. Let me just start by saying, he spent his birthday at Rays of Sunshine. A place for kids and charity. He sat there and sang, and laughed with his fans. Not only that but he has an organization right now going to two very important causes. No one asked him to do that, he did it all himself. His groove and passion for life inspires me beyond compare. That man has gotten me through some of the toughest moments, in my life. He is honestly the sweetest person on planet earth. Niall is so kind and light hearted. He always and I always say this puts himself last, and would do anything to show the ones that love him, that he loves them back. But not just loves them back. He loves them even harder then they love him. His voice touches me in ways I didn’t even know were possible. How do I even describe how much I love him? My happiness would not look real without him. He works so incredibly hard, and he deserves everything he has and more. I honestly just get speechless trying to express how much I love him, because no one will ever understand. I know that one of the best days of my life will be when I’m in his arms and I tell him how much of an amazing human he is. I know when I actually feel him in my arms, and know that he’s real it will be a feeling that I can’t even describe. He isn’t a person I can go to in my day to day life. He is so MUCH more. Incredibly more, he is someone I can look at and instantly feel better, someone I can hear and feel like nothing else matters except him. Okay, I can’t start this post. My fingers are gonna be broke after this. Niall James Horan really just hits the spot for me. Before I explain why I love him with my whole heart, and why he is truly the one and only true love of my life, I need y’all to know I mean every word I am saying. Niall always cheers me up when I’m down like no one ever could. I started loving him when I was 11 or 12 and now I am 17. His album that he put out is just pure beauty and art and he needs to know that. He opened his heart out to all of the people who love him and he wasn’t scared to see what they thought. I’ve never heard anyone open up like he did, ever. I am speechless. I really am. Every single time he gets on that stage he owns it and he makes sure everyone is having the time of their life. He really means EVERYTHING TO me. I really would not have the joy and satisfaction and smile I have for life without him, none of it. He really just deserves the absolute freaking best. He always works his best and puts out his best and that’s what he deserves. No one will ever know how much this man truly means to me. His joy for life and his care free attitude and his heart that shines out the most to me. He really started with nothing and he did this all by himself, he made himself the artist he is today. And everyday that goes by I think of him. Not one day passes without thinking of him. He loves all of us so much and shows us that every single day. He really made me love myself as a person and I’m just realizing that now. He brings out the best of me and my happiness. This may all sound so cheesy but this bub continues to make me so happy. The lyrics he writes are so pure and it’s like he knows what the fans want to hear. He’s sold billons off copies and I’m just so so proud of him. I feel such at home at any 1D show or his show, it’s crazy. He really is just the sweetest person and I want to repeat it 5000000 times. There’s so many people who love him and that’s all he deserves. So much love and happiness. He is so kind, funny, sweet, handsome... etc ... Basically you could say he has one of those perfect souls. I wake up everyday and think of him and smile because of him. 😭💓 TALENT . I wasn’t even done I just want him to realize how special he is. I wish I could just go up to him and tell him all of this. 😭 He really is as corny as it is a light in the dark for me. I am so proud of you and I hope that you enjoy the break you have because you deserve and need it. I hope you are reading all these messages and do that huge smile you do and your enormous contagious laugh. You have changed so many lives, and I would never ever regret loving you as much as I truly do. Your presence is truly a blessing to this earth. And I don’t deserve you. Like I want want to scream because I love you so much. I dedicate so much time to you because you just- I can’t even tell you why. I shed a few tears writing this and it’s dramatic but it’s how I feel. 25 years of a strong young beautiful man. I love you Niall. You’re like my second little home and I can’t thank you enough for existing on this earth that wouldn’t be the same without you. Thank you for everything that you do. Not just for me, but all, each and every single one of your fans. Your importance to me grows each second of each day. You are so selfless. You continue to surprise me by how amazing you are more and more each day. This new era you are going to smash it out of the park, like you always do. And, another favorite thing about you out of like 5,000,000 things is that... even if you don’t do good you are still happy. You always do well, but you are always smiling and give back no matter what the cause. And, that my love means everything. I know you will never see this but, I can’t wait to give a letter to you. I just can’t even comprehend that you are real. You are you. And, I wouldn’t want it any other way. You have so many family and friends who think everything and more of you and that’s because you’re love is contagious and infectious. You are so passionate about what you love and stand up for what you know is right. Niall is a tease, and a caring human that just wants to make everyone happy. He is weird and awkward at times, but that’s why I love him. And that’s only the start of why I love him. He is growing so much and always focuses on bettering himself. That is probably one of my favorite things about him. He never stops, and won’t give up until he knows he’s done the best he can. He is always making people smile and laugh. And, I truly just can’t thank him enough for being who he is; because he’s apart of me. He’s such a big part and constant thing in my life. He helps me like I wouldn’t believe, even I don’t know how much he helps me. His sarcasm in his humor, the way he is so gentle with fans. His nature to always make people feel wanted and loved. His weird way of making me feel that for myself. There’s so many simple things I love about him, but countless deep things that I honestly can’t word. His boldness, his cariama, his ALL. I could go on but there’s not one thing that I don’t love about him. It’s mind blowing. I don’t know who or where I would be without him. He always wants to learn new things, and the album he made was I can’t even imagine how hard to make. All in all HAPPY 26th my love. 💓💓💓I adore you. If you want to sit here all day and talk about how much I freaking love you, we can. I can not believe you are 24 baby! I can't even put into words how much you as a person mean to me. Almost evreything. You're spirt, smile, laugh, love, caring heart, simplicity, view on life, and I could go on. You make me so happy. Not a lot of people hardly any, make me as happy as you do. One day, if I ever get the chance I want to tell you that. I hope you are having a blast today. You deserve so much and more. This may sound cheesy, but I mean all of this from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so so much. You and the boys have made me love life so much more. I still can't believe you're 24. You act like a little 4 year old. I am so proud of you and all that you have achieved, and so freaking proud all yours dreams have come true. I love you. Just remember you have so many fans, who would do anything for you. You are such a great guy. You are so beautiful and funny. When I look at you it just brings me back to how much I actually love you. You will continue to grow and your music will always be breathe taking. I really wish there were more people on earth like you. Happy Birthday! Today is all about you! I LOVE YOU AND IVE EDITED THIS POST 500 times. I felt like I didn't write enough. Evrey single quality about you makes me so happy. I'm just sitting here thinking of how much of an amazing human being you are. You always think of others. Always put yourself last. You are not greedy or selfish, and that is how most people turn out when they have what you do. You just love life. You never ever take for granted what you have. Ever. And you just shine to your fullest. I really do love you so freaking much. Your accent, you're amazing blue eyes. Each thing about you. I just want to keep going and tell the world how much you deserve because my god, it's a whole lot. Don't ever stop being you. Get excited at the little things & laugh until you can't breathe. Surround yourself with the right people, like you always do, and I'm sure you'll never change. Thank you for always being here for me, whenever I need you. Some people think this is over dramatic, but each word I'm typing is true. I'm so glad I found you in 2012. I'm so glad that you are a real human. I just always want the best for you. I hope you enjoy you're time on stage, and I know you do. I see it with your passion and smile. Meet a girl, fall in love. I just don't want you to ever feel like you don't deserve all you have. Because you sure as hell do. A person like you, there's no one like you. You are so close to perfect as bad as that sounds. I love you, and I always will. Keep shining your light. Never let it out.

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alwayshailing87 · 5 years ago

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It’s time I talk about this.

I created a new tumblr because no one needs to see the sock drawer of content on my older account. I’ll start fresh here.

I had contemplated writing a blog post for a while. There’s been so much weighing heavy on my mind that I just needed to get out to begin with. The decision to finally open up was sort of inspired by a friend’s social media post earlier this week. It touched on fears of abandonment, and anxiety. I felt the need to talk about my own fears. I’m coming to the realization that I’m in much greater pain than I let on.

2019 could have been considered a comeback year for me in a lot of ways. I committed to the fitness journey. I broke free from years of emotional abuse and manipulation. I found my spark again, my inner comedienne. I’ve expanded my circle and have some truly incredible friends at my side. I’ve connected with some genuine people that I’d love to keep in my life. Sky’s the limit, right?

As 2019 came to a close I recalled all of these victories, and yet it was the loneliest I had felt. It was the most...broken...that I had felt. I’m thankful for my mom and all of the hugs she gave me while I was home. There were nights during the Christmas season where I would just well up with tears because I felt so alone. She sort of chalked it up to me missing my grandparents, as I always do at Christmas. But I was too embarrassed to explain that there was more.

Circle back to the mention of emotional abuse. Without getting into dirty details, some of which are of my own fault, I was lured into a situation where a man I trusted took advantage of my heart and my mind. Freshly devastated from the sudden passing of my Grammy in 2013, he white-knighted his way into my world. Promises of protection, love, to “treat me the way I had always deserved to be treated”. He wanted to “tear down my walls”. Lots of that stuff that makes a depressed, vulnerable woman feel like someone gives a shit.

Months prior to this, I stared down a flowing Monongahela from the railing of the Birmingham bridge. I couldn’t do it, obviously. I was in rough shape mentally but asking myself over and over “what would happen to Sylvia” seemed to keep me from ending my life. To have someone essentially reach out a hand to you and vow to be your protector and love you, it would be insanity to not grab that hand and hold on with everything you have left.

He knew of the several times I had been ghosted, or stood up on dates. Blown off on dating sites, and just treated like trash in general. I’m a chubby girl who’s a few eons off from a model body. His whole act was to shower me with affection and I fell for every single fucking bit of it.

When I think back on this, I think of these words and phrases that were said to me: Soul mate. Gorgeous. Dream girl. The perfect woman. Best friend. The greatest thing that ever happened to me. And there was friendship. Laughter. Humor that spanned from highbrow to lowbrow and every terrible pun in between.

Stupidly enough I fell in love. And I loved fiercely, as I do with anyone I care about. I offered up my unwavering loyalty. See, the thing is...I’ve gone through my life dedicating myself to my loved ones as a fierce family member and friend. There have been so many times in my life where I felt alone or unwanted, that I vowed to make sure anyone who settled into my circle would never feel the way I have felt. This was no different.

As expected (and in retrospect, thankfully) this whole thing came crashing down. I found out I was one warm body out of multiple. And that’s when things for me started to deteriorate.

Being toggled back and forth between “I still love you” and “You’re one of the best things in my world” and “I don’t want you in my circle anymore” will eventually warp your mind. Even as a friend, the loyalty given due to the history was thrown out like a used sock. The memories and the bond meant nothing. I began to think I deserved it as punishment for the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Maybe I did or still do. In the aftermath of this, I was on suicide watch. To be outright rejected and shunned by the very person who vowed with everything he was to be THAT person for you, you wonder if you were ever worth anything at all. If your white knight tells you that he doesn’t care about you anymore, then maybe you’re just not worth any man’s time. That maybe you’re just not worth anything, period.

It’s weird now, being able to step out of a situation and say “hey, he was a piece of shit and all of this was toxic”, while also being pretty emotionally damaged because now you feel like any man who expresses any sort of liking towards you is lying. And when you feel fat and disgusting on a frequent basis, you’re highly skeptical of a good looking guy finding you attractive and not chasing some dime of a babe elsewhere.

In the time since I’ve freed myself from the bullshit, I’ve heard those similar words. Gorgeous. Perfect. Beautiful sassy funny and any word in between that makes me think a man might truly and whole-heartedly value a single shred of my existence. And while it feels wonderful, and hearing it makes me smile, my brain retreats back to the feeling of “He’s just saying that while he probably bangs or flirts with a bunch of other women. You know that you’re nothing compared to other smokeshows who are in his league”.

So when the messages go silent, or plans to go out on a date fall through, half of my brain says “he’s busy” or “things happen, it’s okay”, the other half gets back on its bullshit, and I assume the worst. Because it’s all I know.

All I know are lies. Just lies. Lies and excuses and half-assed answers and secrets. I don’t think any man has ever been proud to have me. And it’s brought me to this place where I feel alone and unwanted. It’s brought me paranoia and crippling anxiety. I’m scared of destroying the fledgling of a relationship(?) I have going because I have been so destroyed by lies that it’s so hard for me to believe people. And that terrifies me. The last thing I want to do is push someone away because I know that what I have to give in a relationship is pure and genuine. I try so hard to fight the irrational fear and BELIEVE what is being said to me. Even now I’m a crying mess as I type this, because the one I’ve been talking to...I can’t begin to express how I felt when I saw his huge smile in real time. It was a smile that completely took my breath away. It was a smile that was so genuine and it brought me pure joy when I saw it.

That kind of joy, those “butterflies” that someone feels in moments like that? I felt it. For a while I wasn’t sure if I could feel anything like that again. I think of that smile and I grin to myself all over again, and yet my heart sinks because I’m scared that it will disappear for someone better. Because I am always the second or third choice...or just not the choice at all.

For some reason the holidays just amplified the loneliness. I think of curling up with my someone at Christmas and enjoying the warmth and the lights. I’ve wanted that for so long, and I’m so tired of being alone. I’m just tired. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not worth a man’s honesty or time. The fear and worry that I’ll be told to get lost by someone I care about - again - is like a vice grip in my chest. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. Sometimes tears just flow out of my eyes and I’m not even moving. It’s not just a fear of losing someone you genuinely want in your life, but it’s also the fear that the devil in your head is right; that you really are ugly, worthless and unwanted.

And I know the only way I can begin to combat it is therapy. There’s zero shame in admitting that I need to go back. My therapist helped me through the first phase of healing form the toxicity and abuse. But now I need to learn to handle the constant fears of abandonment. I tried to fight it for the last couple of months but I just can’t do this on my own. I just want to heal. There are so many parts of me that are strong and grounded, and I feel like this is the one piece of me that still hasn’t recovered from the trauma.

I’ve been told never to apologize for my fears and my trauma because it was, and is real, but I still feel a need to express some level of remorse because this is not the best version of me. I don’t take pride in the reactions I’ve had. I can only humbly ask for patience as I work through this.

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morethanithoughtofficialblog · 5 years ago

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Chapter 11: And I had an anxiety attack... again.

In which the title describes the whole chapter

*Your POV*

I slammed the door behind me, fell to my knees, and closed my eyes. Today was such a shitty day I actually don't want to go back. But I have to. Unless I want to get fired, which actually doesn't sound THAT bad.

Wait... yeah, that sounds reasonable.

My apartment was just like my mind: a complete fucking mess that made no sense and looked like Narnia. But despite that, my personal laptop was hanging out on the small table I have in front of the TV. I sighed and went to the kitchen, trying not to worry.

It's been a while ever since I met the group of monsters and, honestly, I'm loving it! They are super nice and a part of me has changed a bit... so I'm becoming more dedicated to making them as happy as I can.

And that also refers to some of their complaints, like "you should seek a better job" or "this is dangerous for you, you should have something that makes you happy". And that's what I was about to do.

After taking my cup of coffee and I sat on the couch, I opened my laptop and started to search for different jobs and opportunities. I'm a scientist and a... politician? We could say that. I'm experienced in both terms and I'm really trying to look for a scientist post today. I want to do what I love and, well, I'm a science nerd. Fite me.

I just don't want to work in the Congress anymore. It's boring, it's lame, and I'm not going to stay in an office for the rest of my days- not when I'm starting to care about things. Alphys and Sans have said that they want to become part of the science world, but they have to study hard to get it. While I'm waiting for them, though, I'll make them proud and work in science!

While browsing around, I ended up on a Facebook page and noticed I had a shitton of notifications. Interested, I checked the groups and started to read the messages... bad idea...

Paula: Hey, monster lover! You should just go with them to the Underground, hah!

Anna: Jesus, when did we let this happen?

Anna: I thought you were smarter than this!

John: You are gonna put us in trouble

John: And it'll be all YOUR FAULT!

And so it went. I frowned slightly and decided to check Discord, trying to get distracted for a bit. My mind was starting to make bad moves, and I just couldn't make them real. What if it was better to leave the topic? Did I make a mistake? Should I start protesting AGAINST them?! Are they a threat to humans? Oh my God, what have I done? Should I-

Do you wanna get... Frisky?: Hey (Y/N)!

Do you wanna get... Frisky?: you wanna play UNO?

CoolSkeleton95: YES, HUMAN!

CoolSkeleton95: YOU SHOULD JOIN THE FUN!

I shook my head with a smile, knowing I could never do that to them. Not after the little and funny history we have together, and how much comprehensible they looked with my problems socializing. They've made laugh like there is no tomorrow and to learn a lot of things. I just can't wipe them away from their dreams. I just can't wipe them away from my life.

Smartass: Sure, right now?

puns are love, puns are life: we're startin' right now, kiddo.

puns are love, puns are life: join this round before undyne comes with her shitty strategies again

I giggled softly, remembering the stupid nicknames we all had in that Discord group. I immediately went for my headphones, then joined the chat.

"Hi!" I exclaimed, praying that everyone could hear me. Fortunately, they could.

"hello kid, ready to lose?" A deep voice said, which I immediately recognized it was Sans. Everyone seems to have a high-pitched voice comparing them with him. Heck, even my father would sound like a three-year-old girl if we compare their voices!

After a bit of playing stupid rounds of UNO and hearing Sans's awful puns, I lost track of time. Eventually, Sans and I ended up playing Dead by Daylight together, the skeleton by some coincidence having the game installed. And so talked privately from then, and... got used to the game, I suppose.

"DUDE WHAT THE-" I stopped myself before I could use a bad word, not knowing how he would react. I still don't feel comfortable enough to be my usual, swearing, and boring self around them. I'm trying to be as less boring as possible... but I know that I'm still boring, even if I, indeed, try hard.

"i hate this game soooooooo much... what if we play somethin' else?" he asked, making me sigh in relief. This game's no good for someone with anxiety, keep that in mind. Bad thing I'm kind of a masochist in that aspect.

"You hate a lot of games, don't you? And sure, any suggestions?"

"do you have... mortal kombat?"

Oooh

This is going to be interesting!

"Which one?"

"x, i'm too poor to buy the new one"

"Sure, I have it! I'll love to play it, it's been a while"

"cool cool, i'll invite you then"

And we played like for, what, hours? Mortal Kombat is sincerely one of my favorite sagas of videogames since I was a little child. Dolls? Nah, videogames were my thing since the beginning of times.

I forgot my problems, I forgot everything. It was just me, my character, and an angry Sans rattling his bones all over the mic. I was enjoying it, even if he tried to deconcentrate me with his jokes, that at the end were all just corny comments trying to make me flush but made me laugh instead.

I joked now and then as well, and hearing his laugh was such a gratifying feeling I couldn't do anything but to laugh with him. Besides, his laugh is quite contagious, and I'm easily influenced when other people laugh, so this got the best of me.

When I looked at the clock though, fear ran all over my body, and I stood quiet for some good minutes. I tried to contain my anxiety, to calm down. I took deep breaths and closed my eyes, telling myself I'll be just fine.

"(y/n), are you-"

"HOLY SHIT IT'S 1 AM WHAT THE FUCK- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

...

Nice job, sweetie.

My mind was being a huge and stupid mess whenever those awful screams were out of my mouth. Sans wasn't answering, so I felt worse. I started panicking and creating ways to make him hate me less, and before I could say anything, I heard laughter.

His laughter.

"oh my god (y/n) you panic a lot" he said between breaths, while I just remained silent. What the- "i'm sorry, it's just... you should not worry about anything, k? remember you said tomorrow you don't have to work, k? just relax. nothing's wrong with staying late once in a while, right?"

"Wait, so you don't think I'm pathetic or anything like that?!"

"wha- of course not! everyone has their moments (y/n), and you have anxiety, for god's sake! it's totally normal for someone to freak out now and then. you shouldn't feel guilty of that"

How...

I felt tears trying to escape from my eyes and I hold them back, keeping my cool... temporarily. I draw a weak smile in my face, even if Sans couldn't see it.

"Thank you. I needed that" Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd my voice broke down in the process. Shit.

"don't worry (y/n)" he said kindly, and I bet he was still wearing that permanent shit-eating grin. I chuckled to myself, slowly making tears disappear "hey, do you wanna meet up tomorrow? maybe you want some time to yourself, i know, but maybe you should try to interact more with people... since i'm assuming you don't"

I never thought I would get lectured by a skeleton. Guess life is unexpected, huh?

But I realized he was right. My social anxiety can only be solved by interacting with others. There is no escape, and I'm conscious of that. Besides, what can go wrong? Sans has been nothing but a nice guy, and I'm starting to enjoy his company a lot. Maybe I'll be able to consider him as a friend?

"I'd love that, thank you so much. I don't get to hang out often, so that means a lot"

"don't sweat it. everyone deserves a chance to express themselves"

We hung up the call with a quick "see you tomorrow" and I went straight to bed, never erasing that last sentence he said from my mind.

"Everyone deserves a chance to express themselves", huh? Maybe...

Maybe this is my chance

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

We hung up the call and I let out a sigh. I never realized I was playing until late, mostly because Papyrus didn't come for his bedtime story, and so I lose track of time. I was having a good time though, but I can't be stubborn and keep her up any longer. Not after she almost had a heart attack.

She's nice, and she seems pretty genuine. Doesn't look like the type of girl that should hide anything, not with that anxiety of hers. She's a goddess in Mortal Kombat, though. She knew how to use almost every fighter perfectly, and I felt like a punching bag with jokes in its interior. The more she won, the more I joked. At least she laughed... a lot, actually. She's a good audience, just like Tori.

Then I remembered she cursed when she was starting to freak out, and I started to wonder if she uses "strong" language daily. Or well, at least in her head.

I looked over that beautiful website called Youtube and watched some memes, that are truly gold if you ask me. A sick and dark sense of humor combined with random things and retards living their lives- in one word, perfection. I would also watch Tumblr, but that site gave me a good uncomfortable feeling that I don't want to relive any sooner. I also wanted to check Wattpad, but ever since I knew that it was mostly FanFiction, I thought more about it. Then I remember that Alphys told me she had an account and I immediately never went to that place...

Alphys is scary sometimes, no one can judge me. Her weird FanFictions are pretty much apart from anything I like to read or write...

And yes, I'm a writer.

That's why I thought Wattpad would be a good idea...

Thank God I changed my mind.

I'm mostly a science fiction lover, but drama and suspense are not that bad. I also like a lot of horror novels, but I'm no good at writing one my self. Believe me, I tried. It's hard to make it as noncliché as possible, considering that paranormalities are a huge cliché themselves.

I always include romance in my stories though. I realized it's quite essential in defining people's personalities and actions. Besides, romantic scenes leave a nice drama feeling when they are not exaggerated, so I try to put them once in a while.

I'm currently writing a novel instead of a short story, but it's hella difficult if you are bone dry of ideas. It takes a skele-ton of effort to come up with something good, and it's harder to put it in words. I also need to do some more research, since it includes scientific things...

Ah, sci-fi. What would I do without it?

I'm also a classic novel lover. Macbeth it's just wonderful and Journey to the Center of the Earth are old masterpieces that have a special place in my soul. I read them when I was a kid, and I would do it over and over. But I also want to see what new books the surface has to offer- one of my wildest dreams is to visit the biggest libraries around the world, like the ones in Paris or in Tokyo. But that has to wait.

I'm tired, but I never get myself to sleep. I suffer insomnia since... quite a few time, actually. It all started with the first reset of that goddamn flower; it started whenever I realized that the timeline theory was real and that, whoever got the power- the DETERMINATION- had the entire world at their hands.

Flowey was first, then Frisk came and had the power. Now I don't know if she has it anymore, considering we are at the surface and anyone could be more determined than her. But there's still a chance she has time and space at the tip of her fingers, and with a snap, she can make everything and everyone I love disappear.

That kid... she probably wants to see me suffer. After everything I've done to stop her, she hates me even more. She's selfish. She's a prick. And I'll never forgive her.

She knew I would remember when she did that. She killed everyone I loved, she destroyed the little hope I had on my home... and laughed at my face about it. That fight, that crazy look in her eyes... I have nightmares about it. Whenever I see the kid, a part of me replaces it with the painful memories of past timelines.

And I can't make them stop. I can't erase that devilish and empty smile Frisk had. I can't erase the vision of that flower becoming a God before my eyes.

I can't erase Papyrus's smile still with hope before turning to dust.

I shook my head and sighed. Out of all the times, I can't bring myself now into thinking like that... not anymore. We're on the Surface now, for God's sake! I should be happy because now I can fulfill my happiest dreams!

...

I lack the motivation, though.

There's no hope for me, or that's what I think.

I want the best for everyone (except Frisk and Flowey; screw them), but me? Heh, this old sack of bones won't be his usual self any sooner. It's just... it's just stupid to think I'll ever be the casual and relaxed skeleton ever again. I'm paranoid. I'm scared. I'm a fucking coward trying to protect his brother, but being too useless to do anything about it.

I can't go back to Snowdin. I can't go back to that goddamn house. I can't.

I glanced over my desk and noticed the folder with the things for my education. I let a sigh, knowing that I would never be able to keep up with that kind of stress. Not if my mind it's worried about something else.

I turned off the lights and went to my bed, trying to clear my mind. I let a new human enter my life, one older than Frisk...

That doesn't mean it's less dangerous.

That doesn't mean she's not a murderer...

#sans x reader #sansxreader #more than i thought fanfiction #more than i thought #sans #x reader #undertale

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fanresearcher-blog · 6 years ago

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My Criticism of Planet Puto

You know, just in case HC never finds about my criticism...

“Hello HC! My original criticism was lost…unfortunately but I`m determined to get my message to you. I wrote it on Word first before posting it in your submit. If you managed to get my old submission, then I`m glad that it worked, but if it didn`t then that`s why I have this. So HC, I wanted to do this for a long time but I needed to be composed of my thoughts first. Now I`m ready.

In this submission, I want to talk about the character development of your personification characters and character design. I`ll also talk a little bit of the lore by the end of the post. It is not intended for hate, it is just criticism. I am also aware that Planet Puto is more like random posts instead of comics or something. The reason I feel like giving criticism is for HC`s improvement in some stuff and to voice my concerns. Before I write my criticism, I would like to praise HC for her/his dedication to creating that group of Actor AU (I don`t know their names but it`s the Aswang lady and her Spanish-y husband and they had twins). I love your work since it has good art but mostly it`s because you post so often. Reading your posts become a part of my everyday routine.

So before we get to the specific criticism and tips, I`ll talk about my general problems with the personification characters. It appears to be, that the characters are used for meaningless fanservice. When I`m scrolling through the Planet Puto archives, once in a while I will see characters drawn with sexy poses or they have ship tease with someone. If it is part of their character, then that would make sense. So is everybody…smutty? It seems like whenever there is a major foreign country, they would be shipped with Elena or Emilio. There are entire pages filled with random pick-up lines from Emilio and all the art of Elena with the guys.

I`m not saying that shipping is bad. I think it is perfectly fine for some countries to be attracted to Emilio or Elena. What I don`t understand is…why? Why do those countries find Emilio or Elena attractive? What do they see in them? Please don`t say, that they love the Phils because Emilio is pogi and Elena is maganda. If that is the reason, why they love those twins, then that is not real love at all. Also…they can`t just be compatible because of politics! It is like shipping someone with another person just because they had a good business deal. It also makes me wonder if a country can even decide who to love instead of who they are told to by their bosses. It`s sad no?

It would be best that you create the character before the ship. If you create the ship before the character, they may end up not being their own person. Also pair the ones, who are naturally compatible. It`s like food combos, there are basics like cheese and tomato go so well but when you experiment you will also find out that green mango tastes great with bagoong. Relationships, like food combinations, should be compatible. When people talk about food combos, you hear “The tomato`s freshness balances out the saltiness of salted egg” or “A bit of chili actually brings out the flavor of vinegar”, so characters should be like “He has a great mind but sometimes he can be really tough. She quite emotional but she can be the best friend you can ever have. Together, his heart softens and he learns how to get along with other people. She learns how to keep cool and keep things together now.” Characters by themselves are great, like peanut butter bread and jelly bread, but when you put them together, they are even better.

Be careful of red flags! If the relationship is starting to break boundaries, border on abuse, and toxic behaviors, please stop. It will just give the wrong message to the audience if you ship something like that. After all, in a food combo, if one of the ingredients are rotten it would make you sick. The pair should not be toxic to each other. You can still portray abusive relationships, but please don`t romanticize or encourage it because it`s not okay. It will never be okay.

You must develop them first, though. After you got their character, then you can start thinking about shipping. They must care about each other. That is the bare minimum for a good ship. In psychology, people are more likely to be attracted to someone they have in common with but not too much in common. The thing they have in common could be anything like background, motivation, interests, etc… After that, be careful not to make them too similar or too different. To add special garnish, if the work has a theme, then it would be best if that ship reflects opposite or different sides of the theme. That would make everything really juicy. Remember to not force it, if they can`t match no matter how hard you try, then they weren`t meant to be. Move on. The best ships will just come into place.

Summary for writing ships:

-They must care for each other

-It must be natural

-They must have something in common but different enough

-Experiment

-Avoid Red Flags

My other general problem is random sadness. I`m okay with sadness, but the sadness in Planet Puto is very random. Everything is happy then boom! Sadness. I don`t understand what it is supposed to mean, what am I supposed to know here? There is a pattern of using historical events for angst. It would be much better if the angst was more built up and more meaningful if the characters had character.

Let`s start with the protagonist, Emilio. Of all of the characters, he is the one I have problems with the most. I find it hard to discern a characteristic to him other than a pabebe, a flirt, and a pushover. I`m sorry if that is insulting, but that is my own impression. He may not be like that, but the way he is portrayed gave me that vibes. So what makes a protagonist likable and memorable? They should:

Struggle: Hmm…does Emilio struggle? I have been searching all the pages with Emilio in them to know. None of those posts indicate really big things. I try to dig deeper like a Language Teacher but it is hard for me to see the meaningful struggle. All I see is meaningless angst. The problems that Emilio faces are politics, love life, and history. Politics, I understand that it is hard to live with such a corrupt government. What I need to know is…how does this affect Emilio personally? Normally, citizens of this country will not feel affected by politics. Sometimes they will be affected, but most of the time they would live most of their lives without worrying about this. It would be best to show how it affects Emilio on a personal level, so I can feel why.

Love life, it is now a more human problem. I wonder why personifications aren`t marrying each other by now. So many feelings and ship tease! Are they forbidden? If that is so, then that would be impractical. There are so many countries in the world, so at least one government permits a country to marry another country. I also wonder why Emilio only dated Brunei. I remember you said it is because of the union of the Kingdom of Tondo and something Brunei. So does that mean, whenever a country is joined by political alliance or merging of kingdoms, are they are automatically in love or dating? Heartbreak happens, it is a human thing but I hope it isn`t too much of a problem. There is such a thing as move on, right?

History, now that could have a lot of potential. I think there is a lot of creative potential with this. The problem is…how do you portray it properly? The best thing to do is to look in history books and determine what he would be doing at a place in time. Give him a backstory based on the things taught in history. I know you are doing that, but I think it is unrealistic that Emilio is everywhere at once. How is he in a lot of historical events!?! There has to be an explanation. I think it could be answered by knowing his occupation exactly. What is his skills? What are his abilities? Does he have powers to help out? What does being a personification mean? These things could really help me understand how the plot works.

(Out of topic: What is being a personification? How immortal is he? What if we cut off a personification`s head? Would they die? What if we chopped off their fingers? Would they be crippled or would their limbs grow back eventually? In your WWII drawing, Elena asks Japan to finish off her useless brother, so are you saying he can die? What if no one saved Emilio?

Do personifications get paid for being personifications? Can they resign? Do they have insurance or vacation days? Do they get a bonus? Do they get senior citizen`s discount, after all, they are older than our grandparents? Why do countries have a girl and boy version? Let`s say Emilio resigns from being Phil, would Elena have another twin?

What jobs do personifications do? Are they immediately conscripted to be a soldier, kind of Captain America? Captain America is a super soldier and also used for propaganda. Do they go in missions assigned to them by their presidents? I remember your Brunei and Phil post, that countries might be super spies by their governments. Is it really something like that? Are countries allowed to have other jobs? I remembered a post, I asked if personifications can have jobs. Emilio answered that he wanted to be a general, so he is not allowed to? He is the amang bayan after all, can he use his influence to get the job that he dreams of. Why can`t he be a general? I also heard your answer that being a personification means that you help people, how do they help people? Do they work in social services? Military? Education? Counseling? Psychology? NGO?

Can they have superpowers or are they as strong as an average person?

PLEASE ANSWER THIS, EVEN IF IT TAKES TIME. I CAN WAIT. You don`t have to make a drawing for it. Just type or draw if you like, I just really need to know. What if you randomly gave the characters abilities out of thin air? That would be really confusing. You might risk yourself with plot holes. We would be left out with the information needed to know what their life is like. If they have more detail what is their job exactly, then I would feel like they are more relatable because they actually have a life of their own other than being a mascot.)

Not whine: Back to one of the general problems, random sadness. Emilio is the one with the most random sad posts, so he has that main problem. I don`t know about you but if you put it in real life. It would sound like whining (I`m sorry). What is whining? It is a negative connotation of complaint. Complain is to express grief, pain, or discontent. It is okay to show strong emotion possibly even required but it would be weird to hugot it a lot.

I already talked about the struggle part, not whining is the combo for struggle. Why? When someone suffers and they whine, suffer, whine, suffer, then more whining, then it would feel like handling an annoying baby. I know that they have pain but I would not respect them if they whine. They would be just like an average person to me, “That sucks, but the way you reacted made me not like you.”

Struggle makes the audience root out for the protagonist because it is natural human behavior to root out for the underdogs and struggle is what everyone goes through so it`s relatable. Not whining is what makes the protagonist respectable. Who has more virtue, a person that complains whenever there is something inconvenient vs someone who endures it instead?

A protagonist should be relatable hence, struggle, but they should also have something admirable because if they are so painstakingly average it is not any more interesting. We did not ask for reality to be displayed, we already live with that every day. What we want is to be entertained, learn, or feel something. A protagonist is someone we should admire, respect, and relate to.

In my opinion, Emilio in the Yandere!Adam event actually shows a bit of character and for the first time, I find myself surprised to actually care about a fictional character even if it is a little bit. What I am talking about, are the normal posts before that.

Be active: This is what makes an ordinary protagonist, entertaining. An active protagonist is a protagonist that shapes the plot while a passive protagonist is pushed by the plot. Why I believe that Emilio, isn`t an active protagonist, he is controlled by events. I have never seen an event that Emilio started because of his actions. For example, Yandere!Adam event, Yandere!Adam is the one that sets the events in motion, while Emilio just watches. I can understand since it is a Yandere!Adam event, it has to focus on Yandere!Adam. I just wish that there is an event of Emilio`s own doing.

(Out of topic: I feel like Emilio and Elena`s relationship isn`t that strong when I looked at the Yandere!Adam event. Letting your own twin die?! It affects me a little bit personally because I have a twin of my own. I would never imagine killing my own twin or letting that happen. According to research, boy-girl twins are even closer than same-sex twins, so they should be closer but they are not. Maybe it is because they were separated for so long, so that is why they aren`t that close.)

So in totality, I think Emilio needs a lot of work in his character.

IN SUMMARY:

-Please elaborate in his struggles

-Tone down the hugot

-Have an event focused on Emilio

-Add more to his backstory

-Tell us more about him

So that is all with Emilio. The other main characters like Elena, Luzon, Visayas, Mindanao, Manila, Cebu, and Davao don`t get enough characterization. They feel like caricatures and stereotypes sometimes. I don`t get who they are supposed to be like. Cebu as INTJ really? As a fan and deep researcher of MBTI, it is hard to see why Cebu will be that. In a nutshell, my impression of them are:

Elena: Oh I`m going to help Emilio, get shipped with so many dudes, and do most of the country work.

Luzon: I`m Miss Serious who is kind of like Manila by design. I`m also the boss and hate insubordination.

Visayas: I`m the guy that has such a peaceful life and brown streak of hair. (Apparently, I also betrayed my countrymen by siding with Spain.)

Mindanao: ….

Manila: I hate probinsyanos! Especially Cebu. I`m swimming in the trash and I have problems…with Cavite. #ampalaya #lifesucks #dacapital

Cebu: I hate Manila! (Hehe I speak Bisaya so he can`t understand) I also don`t get along with Iloilo.

Davao: Yay! (Anime hair).

(Out of topic: I get confused with the glasses on capitals. You said that it was a sign of progress and you put the capitals of other nations with it. It feels quite the opposite. People need glasses to see, so when someone becomes a capital do they become visually impaired? Or they don`t really need it. Does that mean that glasses on capitals are like crowns on royalty? It gets quite confusing to theorize over simple stuff like that. It seems to be too much of a coincidence.)

I`ll talk more about character design later which involves the main characters.

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While writing this, I realized that foreign personifications were more developed than the main characters. They show more personality in a page than Emilio or Elena can show in 10 pages. For Adam, I thought his character design immediately gave me the vibes of someone who would be America. He tries to keep his reputation so he hides his brown eye with contacts and he hides issues to show that he is strong. When it came to struggling, I feel like that is implied. He seems admirable at some aspect and he sets the story forward as a colonizer.

His character design also gives an implication of his character. He has blonde hair and blue eyes (something that is associated with America), he has a blue business suit, red tie, and white underneath. That is the colors of the American flag! Colors like that are usually associated with heroes. I immediately saw a developed character in him. I wonder why that can`t be the same for Emilio or Elena.

Emilio`s outfit is a Filipino barong, he has sun-kissed brown hair, tan skin, and really, really light brown eyes. He is basically brown all the way through. While Elena has similar eyes, black hair, and light tan skin. Their outfits are traditional Filipino clothing. Luzon has a yellow tie and female business suit. Visayas has a red shirt and brown pants. Mindanao has a white robe with blue highlights. It seems like the island groups are wearing the colors of the Philippine flag.

Their character designs are okay enough. It could possibly do better but it`s okay. When I mean to do better, I think you should modify it a little bit so it can look better. Like add detail to the clothes, use a different shade of color perhaps (the current colors aren`t bad on its own but I think it is best to experiment), and I think that is basically it. I get that you gave them really unusual eyes, to give them an anime feel (Personally I don`t like it, but I would not criticize that. It is your own personal aesthetic decision.). Maybe give Emilio and Elena an alternate casual outfit, the traditional clothing makes them seem like they can`t move on from the past (unless that is what you are going for).

The provinces are what I have a problem with. I can see that you tried, but some of them need work. They look unique but not unique enough. Sorry but, I think they look like branded food from the grocery sometimes. The Mindanaoan personifications are the most unique, Visayan personifications vary in quality but mostly unique, and the Luzones personifications have the most problems. I think you should do a bit more work in Ilocos Region, Cagayan Region, Central Luzon, CALABARZON, MIMAROPA, a bit in Western Visayas, and Zamboanga Peninsula.

Ilocos Region:

Pangasinan. Despite being part of Ilocos Region, he isn`t exactly Ilocano. He is Pangasinense. That means he has a different ethnicity than the rest of his fellow region mates. His economy and some of the way he acts is a bit different from the Ilocos. In all means, he is different from the other members. So he should look a little bit different. His fashion sense isn`t that good either. Come on! That collar shirt looks too long and does nothing to improve the figure. The hair is all levels baduy.

Ilocos Twins. They seem too similar to each other. It seems like the only difference is how they tuck their shirts and belts, and that Ilocos Norte is wearing a fake mustache. The minuscule detail is that Ilocos Norte has his pants tucked in more neatly while Ilocos Sur has slightly loose pants. You can differentiate them a bit unless you like it that way.

In general, they are kind of plain. It would be best to add more variety and fashion sense. (Unless you intended it that way)

Cagayan Region, Zamboanga Peninsula, MIMAROPA, and Western Visayas:

Make them a bit more varied.

Central Luzon:

Pampanga. My DEAR province would never wear something like that! It`s like he didn`t move on from the past. Bro, it is the modern days not revolution. Besides, Pampanga would wear a uniform during that period of time. In reality, Kapampangans like to dress well to the point it is a stereotype. Whenever there is an event or casual life, we always like to dress up. I think it would be best if he has a more fashionable outfit or you add something to the outfit to make it more fashionable. The most fashionable ones always seem to be the Metro Manilenos. It would be good if there are provinces that are really, really fashionable. Fashion is a really big deal.

What feeling are you trying to invoke when you made him?

Bulacan. Really baduy. This outfit is something I imagined to be in a cheap fantasy project. The upturned collar according to historical events was a trend because it was “preppy”, so okay then I guess since it indicates character. The shirt is really plain and does not catch the eye. It feels like it was cheaply done. The color of mint green or light green used for the shirt does not add to his character. Light green is used to indicate the more positive aspects of green like growth or healing. Quite ironic, since his eyes were turned grey due to fireworks.

The outfit is even worse than Pampanga`s, at least Pampanga`s outfit is something that someone would wear but that is something I don`t see in a traditional outfit or normal clothes.

Others. Bataan`s outfit is also baduy as well as Nueva Ecija. Why do the girls always have to wear traditional clothing? What is Zambales ordinary outfit? He does not dive all day, you know.

CALABARZON:

I have fewer problems with these guys but...does Cavite have to always wear the uniform. I`ve seen him in a different outfit before. I wonder what his signature normal outfit would look like. Laguna wearing a baro`t saya…a classic for Planet Puto women. What does Quezon have that is different from QC? They are pretty similar.

GENERAL CHARACTER DESIGN

Character design is of utmost importance because it can determine first impressions and show personality. What I`m looking for in character design is Personality, Color Scheme, and Symbolism. Personality is displayed by the little details like a business suit to indicate the character`s work-like personality or a suspenders to indicate a person`s old-fashioned/gangsta/a cop/compliments the figure of a muscular body. Colors have multiple symbolisms, blue can indicate dependability but can also give a depressing feeling. Light blue has more positive connotations but dark blue indicates the darker aspects. Little things like the wear the clothes are worn can indicate if someone is a slob or a neat person. Clothing can also indicate the standard of living, fashion style, personal preferences, and attitude. After all, you are what you wear.

Of course, character design is not just clothing it could also be a hairstyle, how the body is built, and stuff like gesture can add a push of characterization. Do they wear their hair in a neat manner or they have long hair? Things like that can indicate the beliefs of the person or attitude. Are they muscular? It might indicate that they workout, part of the military, or some physically demanding work. Are they thin? It could indicate that they don`t eat much, but why? See, that adds more character.

IN SUMMARY:

-BE FASHIONABLE (unless it is part of their character not to)

-MAKE THEM STAND OUT

-ASK “Why would they wear this?”

-COLOR IS IMPORTANT (research their meanings)

-COLOR SCHEME IS ALSO IMPORTANT (make it still look good, unless it is part of the character to clash)

Optional:

-Give each character a signature color that fits their personality

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Thank you for listening to my character design and characterization criticism. The lore is really difficult to get into. The only lore I can theorize perhaps is the Yandere!Adam with his eyes. That is basically it. I want to know where personifications come from, how immortal are they, and their origins. How was Emilio made? Did he have parents? Or he just appeared into existence? How are Elena and Emilio twins? How are they related to Mindanao, Visayas, and Luzon? You know, questions like that.

I`m sorry if I was offensive or anything. I really mean the best.”

#planetputo emildaphilz criticism tips

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davidjjohnston3 · 3 years ago

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/ first love / things of first love / looking on my parents as my first love / who looked on me as her first love / (but) "My Greatest Love' / commitment to truth about love / minjung theology / "total christology" - / returning love to the first love and greatest love (john 3:16) / "The Roommate" - Westfield (NJ) Snow - the Kim brothers - Trader Joe's - Zegna shirtmaker(?) - Tracy Espiritu - "The Faces on the Heights" (2008) - from social media, my governor's school friends, Mona (Monna?) Yao I never met, who made Chingwen stop hating Shanghainese, ECE girl from RU GSE (Graduate School of Education not Governor's School of Environment) - very black eyes - She wanted to buy the Minnie Mouse dress from the Disney Store - Jessie Lee, he drinks a diet coke then goes running - "California" is a frisbee play I thought only I know - Jessie wanted to be my friend or so b/c my brother is excellent - "That play is called California [dumb----] - Always California is a Law School Discussion person whose essay I told her what she meant / where she was going with her past-future but nowadays Millennials etc. can actually form a face-intent without finding themselves first and go forward forever instead of "whatever shrapnel in my back pocket could afford" or people who try to base their plans on available resources instead of aiming then looking for resources / materials. Jessie told Lydia Han "Take care of yourself" - She was playing DDR at Fusion Ti and not talking to me - I don't remember her last words to me - They were making noodles in Edison - / what did i ever do that was not writing about my friends / alden's vanilla bean ice cream (maria / change mind), 2 everything bagels davidovich, earlier a few ginger coconut candies from h-mart but made in china, coconut oil for brain, MiO energy thing Acai Berry and Ginseng, earlier 8th continent soy milk thing, almond silk, spanish mixed nuts, 7 almonds (obama?) - i had more - avocado butter - drinking canola oil - californian olive oil burns - i have a cold sore - i can't have canned tomatoes anymore - 183 pounds AHC "All His Children" / my password used to be for tassadaromega... canisexmachina... then I changed to impluveam impluveam11 impluveam11et - jaeyoung's son "fullness" - a glass of white wine at centraal the full measure of god's spirit (sauvignon) - mushroom soup i didn't touch - Why did I not follow through on what was demanded not to talk a word with him - the beginning of "Stepfather" - It is clean at the Food Court at Mayfair Mall - I feel powerless and pure - I will read the paper with you and explain why you should not take "Parasite" as a Gospel message about what has to happen, or... but it is easy for me to promise 'strong benevolence' is better than immediate economic justice or - In my first dream of "Searching For Towards the Eastern Empire" "lily Sarah" moved with her baby wrapped swaddled in light dove gray right to left through the woods to the field / meadow, in a cool spring or so, now past a frozen lake through the colors of "Elizabeth's Nightgown" or the summer colors of 2012 2021 left to right, the whole procession, carrying lanterns too, a bit like Caspar David Friedrich colors and a bit like that frozen lake out in the suburbs of Madison where Nikki called me and the phone vibrated on my heart to tell me Chi Hye tried to call me on Valentine's Day night - I called her - I forget - someone's phone ran out of batteries - the next day we got (?) at (?) Japanese "I really want to eat rice" - and a bit like "Fantasia Night on Bald Mountain" - the procession of the Saints with the lanterns, "we all of us." The rainy cliff, the Korean refugees(?). The image from "The Admiral" where the civilians flag Yi Sunshin from the cliffside shore. In my 645 rendition they are walking, the notes are like babies on their heads. But the image of the peasants signalling to YSS in another vision are chained together and being gatling gunned which is why I say some people want to kill all Koreans. Maybe it is because of that short from Apocalypse Now or maybe it is because of and why I named Segalchik "Danilov" from "Enemy at the Gates" the Commissar who wants to build a new world and man and whose dying words are "There will always be rich in love and poor in love," then allowed Koenig to shoot him in the head to draw him out for his "teacher only friend" because I guess enemies are enemies and friends are friends and Russians are loyal, even in failure, like how Nabokov synaesthete said "loyal is like a gold fork," and Putin doesn't forgive traitors. Putin reminds me of Houellebecq's voice from the end of Particulaires "This book is dedicated to the human race who saw beyond themselves" - as and with the poem from the beginning, "Now that we dwell in the eternal afternoon we can revisit the end of the old world order" - and in the end "the medieval grace and sin" - "ontology of states not space" - I still remember the bruised skin on the cover, which would come from limited beatings or a certain kind of holding sex - My favorite Houellecq poem is "Liquid Birth" from "Art of Struggle" - "This world has never been written of" - It makes me cry like thinking about Kendi's beauty - "It's there, at least possible." - What's Macron up to - He married his teacher(?) - "My thoughts are too complicated" - Putin's too - Russian elementary piano teachers hold the student's hand and split the fingers for toward cantabile - I learned the Goldbergs and the only book I'll touch anymore is Kempff's organ transcriptions with his precise description of pedaling like a certain kind of chapel organ - "Kempff played better than he could (Liszt's Saint Francis preaching to the birds) - and when he played "Berceuse" in 1946 it's like saying to Germany "Dream for a while" defeated in WW2 - He lived to be 95 - father-like. Wilhelm Kempff is "saenggi(?)" - "Oh [Dave]." He doesn't try to give, or make. He just "says." Like "the wave said what the sea broken once laboriously spoken." That's why I say he's the best; he's one of the best pianists ever. "Sospiro" final fioritura - I wrote "sospira" where the piano-teacher is mandatorily retired and euthanised after his best student - Arrau said relax use your soul - I drove through Indiana corn fields listening to his "Emperor Concerto" 1st movement - "Beethoven America power" - but Kempff does'nt rely on his own soul, he "waits for the Spirit of God" or "waits on the Lord' - "asks the sky." This is why I like Stritch University Francis statue with the birds as well and Francis PP. St Francis of Assisi from whom Michelangeli claimed to be descended and I bought Michelangeli's op 111 DVD at Seoul Arts Center at the Liszt Society concert actually married his secretary in secret or something and "loaded" pieces whereas Kempff loaded nothing, ABM offered to teach Martha Argerich who is my favorite Andante Spianato like Josephine Park but I don't think she took him up on it, he smoked, he practiced at night, his head exploded(?), he died in Lugano. A pianist is a pianist (not a brand, franchise, go into teaching). Jenny / Jaein said I want to be a pianist. My first "Lullaby" was Idil Biret, IDK if the clock motif left hand is 1 2 3 4 5 6 or 1 2 3 4 5 (). A steady lake lapping, not a clock. In "Being Kim Poor" Krystal Jung fell asleep in the rowboat on the lake in Switzerland after the wedding in the chateau and trying to eat / hang out with the caterers. KP is an ex-soldier, her bodyguard, his friend is a Southerner like those Blackwater / Academi types who got rich quitting SF gov't to do contracting but Paul / Poor won't really. I thought about Sunny something something cyber stalkers in Whitefish Bay walking up the hill where I also listened to Fifth Season SSWFL later and in the neighborhood of the Obergefell blackout. "Free firewood" a chopped-up desk - am I an "afterburner" for having a desk and "free."

The original love-truth-faith-promise. The Minjung Theology book is "whiteness-words," holiness.

I feel like I almost arrived all in one piece for a while. I put on my white shirt. I weighed 160(?). The caseworker said she couldn't imagine me another weight. Pop was writing letters to the caseworker. I recommended "Whisper of the Heart" to for her son.

Now I feel like Hananim / God will let 300 saints die young so one sinner can be saved. "I was born in 1970" - I thought she meant "I became an angel in 1970" maybe.

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yourmistressofdarkness · 3 years ago

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Winged Sim

Once again reminding anyone who reads my stuff I am a person with a learning disability that involves writing so please be kind

You run a sims channel and discover you have a new crimson winged fan

You played sims a lot so it seemed only natural to create a channel dedicated to your game play. You would do challenges, take fan requests and make some stuff up for fun. You appreciated what ever little would come through from your channel especially since money had been tight lately and your followers allowed you to at least by some groceries and pay some minor bills, nothing big but it was appreciated. You had done a lot of character/celebrity requests but no pro heroes so it was only after your subscribers had been begging you to create and play as the Pro Hero Hawks that you finally caved. You spent a while figuring out the mods and creating his character while looking at media images of the hero to get everything as spot on as possible. You sat back at your desk admiring your handy work. There before you stood sims Hawks in all of his glory. You laughed to yourself as he jabbered in simlish waving his arms around. You hoped that the subscribers would like it and got the idea to set up a live game play just to test it out for the sake of feed back. Everyone seemed to like how he came out over all and you began having him do normal sim type stuff. You asked the question “What should I have Mr Pro Hero Hawks do today?” The comments started flying and you tried to read through as much as you could before returning your attention to your sim. “No I don’t think we will be doing woohoo today but nice try everyone” You went with others suggestions of making the sim dance thinking to yourself lets start with some of the basic stuff. You had to admit to yourself it was funny to watch sim Hawks dance around poorly in a little circle which sent laugh reactions and hearts across the board. You then moved on to cooking and watched as the poor sim almost set himself and the kitchen on fire .”Lets start with salads for now buddy until we get your skills up” There stood a sad looking soot covered sim. “Ok lets get you cleaned up and move onto something else” You were in the middle of more sim dancing when a name popped up that you had never noticed before. your following wasn’t that big so you noticed after a few minutes. You decided to change it up a bit. “Lets take Hawks here to the beach and go swimming Im sure pro heroes need some down time” What follows is pretty hilarious due to some in game issues at first he just walks on the water and then eventually swimming in his full hero suite. You decide to up it a bit and get him into more outlandish scenarios in the game You realize you are laughing out loud at the scene in front of you causing a bit of a chain reaction in the comments. Thats when you notice it, the largest amount of money anyone had ever given you. It was from the new follower. You let out a audible gasp before you realize you are even doing so. You thank the new follower and sign off not too long after that.

You thought to yourself Hawks sim was a good move and had more requests now for sims Hawks content so you just kept going with it. You got more followers as you put out more content and that one follower kept dropping you decent donations whenever you played sometimes putting in requests in your messages of their own. You thought why not they seem innocent enough and this person has been more than generous. it was usually very fluffy things like sim Hawks going to the spa, making other Pro Heroes and having them all vacation together. Your followers seemed to like it so you just kept going.

You were out picking up some things from the store when you heard commotion in the distance, it sounded like a bunch of people cheering. You looked over to see the real Hawks standing there surrounded by a swarm of fans. You stood there comparing him to sim hawks chuckling to yourself a bit. ”He is taller than sim Hawks.” You didn’t even know he was suppose to be in your country, must be one of those hero mission thing you thought to yourself. You glance over and snap a quick picture with your phone. As much as you would like to get something signed by the real Hawks swarms of people were just not your thing. You begin to walk away when you catch something fly past your face and land in the bag you are carrying. Its a little red feather with a crumpled up piece of paper. You look around but no one else had seemed to notice. You pick up the paper and read what is written.

“Hold on to this feather for now I’ll come and retrieve it later.” You glance up wide eyed and meet eyes with the real Hawks for a brief second, he smiles at you and nods. He then turns his attention to his phone typing something out super fast then returning to meet the gaze of his fans. Your still wondering what the hell just happened and if this is some sort of elaborate prank when you notice a notification pop up for your channel. Your hands are shaking as you open the message.

“I knew that was you! Ill find you later, I want to thank you for making me laugh and taking my requests. I thought we could grab a bite to eat and chat more before I have to leave, my treat. Keep it up Im a fan”

You glance over at the hero again who smiles briefly at you and goes back to signing stuff for his fans. You stare trying to collect your thoughts for a minute and then start walking again as you regain your composer. “What just happened” you say a little too loud too yourself. You start thinking frantically ‘Real Hawks likes my channel? MY CHANNEL?! he is a a a a FAN?!!!”

#hawks #bnha hawks #sims

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kbrown78 · 6 years ago

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Monthly Wrap Up: June

June wasn't as good of reading month as May. I only read 6 books as compared the 11 books from last month and while I didn't have as many books that I hated, most of the books were just mediocre, so I didn't have as many highs either. I will say that was a good month for expanding the genres I've read and the diversity of the authors, but next month I will be doing Tome Topple and reading books over 500 pages for the first two weeks, then the rest of the month will be dedicated to doing rereads and revisiting some old favorites of mine and see if I love them just as much now.

The Paper Menagerie by Ken Liu: I loved this book! It's a little hard to do a full review for this one because it's a collection of short stories by Ken Liu, but I'll do my best. First I love all of the stories, I honestly couldn't pick one favorite. Even ones that weren't one of my favorites were still very well written. The mesh of multiple Asian cultures and histories with American culture and history is so well done, and I liked the references and dedications a the end of some of them. All the stories were very touching, some darker than others but they all had a sort of bittersweet tone to them. I also loved how all the stories were varying degrees of science fiction, some having technology so similar to today's that it could have almost been a literary fiction story. The themes were all amazing (especially how the complexity of each one was written), the characters were all well written in each story. There's really nothing bad I can say about any of it. I also liked how in many, if not all, the stories had a theme of storytelling in theme and how that identifies a person or brings people together. The Paper Menagerie received 5 out 5 stars from me.

Illuminae by Jay Kristoff and Amie Kaufman: This is going to be my full, spoiler review because I tried to tag the book as I read it but I really struggled with that. In part because of the format. It is unlike anything I have ever read, and in hindsight I probably should have done this one on audiobook. It is a compilation of interviews, military reports, surveillance videos, data from the AI, online messages, and more. It's a unique format, that can work well, and at times it did, but there were too many names just dropped that I could not remember, and with about 600 pages in this format, the plot dragged. I think this book should have honestly been 100 to 200 pages shorter, to keep the fast pace going. The first tenth of the book I was really invested in and flew through it, but then nothing happened and I just got bored with the story. Once the virus became more of an issue and AIDAN's POV was introduced then I became reinvested. Speaking of AIDAN, the ships AI, that was without a doubt the best part of the book, with Kady coming in a close second. Any AI can bring up the question of what it means to be human, and AIDAN contributed an interesting perspective to that discussion. No, I haven't seen 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it sounds like there are similarities to that AI and AIDAN. Over the course of the book, AIDAN killed thousands of people, and is rather remorseless about it because it believes it did that for the greater good. AIDAN keeps up this cold, mechanical behavior until it starts to interact directly with Kady. In fact their “relationship” was what revived the book for me. The more time AIDAN spends interacting with Kady, they start to almost become friends and Kady definitely humanizes AIDAN and gets it to question everything it's done. Ezra and Kady's relationship was cute, since they just broke up but when the cards are down they need each other for emotional support, and Ezra was a decent guy, but he was a little generic for me and I also felt he wasn't as well developed as Kady. Kady I really liked, which is funny because she's that hard person with a heart of gold and I don't usually like that type. She doesn't deal with authority well and is absolutely willing to go rogue to help save lives, which is good in this book because most of the people in charge just make things worse (even if they don't mean to) and cause more death. So real quick the highlights of this book were: AIDAN, Kady, the unique format, the first and last 10% where the action was fast pace. The things I didn't like about this book were: how long this book dragged for, too many characters to keep track of , very few relationships (platonic or romantic) that I was invested in, didn't get to learn more about the world, Ezra's mother being the big bad (kind of tired of family drama being the plot driver in media). All in all I didn't love this book, it was okay, but I'm not sure if I want to continue with the next book (fortunately its a companion series so I don't have to read the next one). Illuminae received 3 out of 5 stars, and was pick for the PopSugar promt “book with two authors.”

The Bone Witch by Rin Chupeco: This was one of the very few books that comes as close to a cover buy as possible. The cover is stunning and I do think reflects the personality and power of Tea, the protagonist. I did look at some reviews and the worst thing I can find was that this book has a lack of plot, which is something that I'm willing to overlook, particularly in first books. But this book really didn't have any plot. It started out interesting with a resurrection through dark magic, but then that story was pushed to the side until the last few chapters. The book has two separate story lines one being Tea's origin story which takes up the majority of the book, the other takes place in the present with Tea having gone dark, but the end of the book still doesn't explain why Tea was in exile. So more back story is needed which will only be in the second book, which makes the first book feel incomplete. I liked Tea, but she felt a bit naive at times and didn't drive the action forward but I could still believe that the powerful, morally gray character in the future was also this little girl. The side characters were okay, a little bland aside from Likah who was barley in the story. I did not like the romance at all because it was very sudden and one sided. The readers also see in the future how obsessed Tea still is with the guy she was in love with, which was actually kind of creepy. Most of the story was boring and I strongly disliked how similar many scenes were to Memoirs of a Geisha. The general aesthetic of the story and the imagery and symbolism was amazing. The end conflict in Tea, the old in power serving themselves and only themselves, was interesting in itself but the fact that it came in only at the very end made it feel like it was just a plot device to explain partly why Tea is so angry in the future. The Bone Witch received 2. 5 out of 5 stars because the aspects I liked were well done, but there wasn't much about this story that I liked.

The Knife of Never Letting Go by Partick Ness: This was a book I had been looking forward to reading, because I loved A Monster Calls but this was something completely different. Unfortunately, I didn't like it. This story is from an uneducated 13 year old boys point of view, and it reads like that. Had I read this book when it first came out and I was still in junior high, I probably would have liked it better, but reading it as an adult I find it to be a little immature and simple. So while the writing itself was good and the world was kind of a unique science fiction/ dystopian blend, I didn't love any of the characters, I wasn't invested in the story and there was so much unnecessary drama because no one tells Todd or Viola anything. Also there was a death in this book, that I didn't cry at, but it made me want to throw up my arms and go “Why!” I do think Patrick Ness is a good writer and I still want to read other books by him, but because of how basic the whole story was I'm not sure if I'll continue with the rest of the series. The Knife of Never Letting Go received 2 out 5 stars from me.

The Wrath and The Dawn by Renee Ahdieh: For me this book was a fairly mediocre read. I knew I was going to read it at some point but it was an unexpected buy this month and I started getting excited for it and decided to pick it up immediately. I was hoping that it would be a sort of Snow Like Ashes, where I didn't expect much in the first book but would be pleasantly surprised. I also thought that since it's just two books that I would get more in the first book. Unfortunately neither of those happened. This story is a 1001 Arabian Nights retelling and places a heavy emphasis on the romance between Shahrzad, the protagonist, and Khalid, the man Shahrzad marries in the hopes that she kills him. For the romance being a hate to love one, it wasn't bad. I personally have a very hard time enjoying hate to love ships, but this one I think was done well because I felt like the evolution of the romance felt natural and the reason these two start out at odds with each other wasn't based off contrived drama. That being said I didn't like the lack of communication these two had and I don't get attached to cold characters and Khalid was definitely that. The side characters were decent, although the male character all felt similar (actually come to think of it the female ones did to), but I am fascinated by the transformation Shahrzad's father underwent and I wish I could have seen more of that. The friendships in here were decent, but were never the center of attention and I was never invested enough in the side character to be invested in their relationships. As for the world building, that was actually sub par for me because I thought there was going to be some magic, but there was hardly any in the story at all. In fact magic is discussed, so the readers know it exists, but never shown any performance of magic. The rest of the world I barley know anything about, so that all was disappointing. The pacing of the story was good, loved the tie ins for the retelling parts and incorporation of story telling, until the end when everything was just rushed and a bit confusing. It was decent and I'll probably read the sequel since it's just one book but I haven't read anything that motivates me to read it, so I'm not in any rush to read it. The Wrath and The Dawn received 3 out 5 stars from me.

Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein: Like The Paper Menagerie I had a difficult time doing a wrap up for this one, but for very different reasons. I rarely read books that are set entirely in our reality, and also don't read historical fiction, so I can't approach reviewing this book quite the same way that I usually do. Also it's difficult to review this book without giving away any spoilers. This novel is broken into two different parts, each one in a different POV identified by their code names. This is an emotional and powerful story about the friendship between two girls that takes place during WWII. One is a pilot and one is, for lack of a better term, a spy. The emotions and relationships were fleshed and well delivered in this story but there were parts that dragged the story a bit for me, so I was going to give this book 3 stars but the last 15% really got to me so I had to boost up the rating. I will say this is a very character driven story, again focusing on the two girls and their experiences in the war effort and some of the harsh realities of being involved in that. I would recommend this one to people looking to read a fictional WWII story, and Code Name Verity received 4 out 5 stars.

#monthly wrap up #book review #ken liu #the paper menagerie #chaos walking #patrick ness #the illuminae files #the bone witch #twatd #renee adhieh #code name verity #elizabeth wein

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