#I am not very organized rn but it might be the depression who knows

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary137

1/29-30/2024

monday-tuesday

moving is so depressing.

maybe just because of the exhausting nature of it, plus i didn't eat at all today really. i'm so exhausted, so i'm not really doing much music stuff rn, maybe i will after posting this, but idk, the song is okay-ish. it's just a lot of tiny dumb adjustments i feel like i need to keep making. trying to figure out, for instance, why it doesn't feel right, or perfect, or something.

the place is at least looking more like a house now. or a home. not a house, since it's an apartment.

i am addicted to trying to make this right, listening to a band now is giving me ideas, 1 is i try and pan harder, like basically all the way left and right but i leave some in the middle, and then maybe i do a send where it takes panned stuff and sends it to the center again on a delay by a few ms. that should be very quiet. then on the right guitar i bump up the body by a tiny bit. another thing is i need to get the distortion tighter. that might mean shaving off some frequencies pre distortion on both ends.

this is going well, at least.

the job called today, they told me i'm going in on thursday for orientation, which is good because that's after our last day to move. we are making good enough progress on moving at least, we have all the big furniture out of the place, as well as a lot of/ all the organizing stuff. now we just need to collect a lot of the tableware, cooking stuff, things of that nature, as well as a lot of clothes, but clothes shouldn't be too hard i think. idk, hope not.

i am excited to stop moving and have everything setup so i can start working out again, that's probably part of my malaise, i am not doing the things i want to do with my body. somehow lifting all of this stuff and doing all this physical labor/having to work this way makes me very dysphoric. it feels, even though it is not the case, that i am being treated a certain way, i know this is all normal it just reminds me of all the really stupid and pointless labor my stepdad used to make me do.

now i am just thinking about how best to clean these floors, they are sticky, so that means cleaning residue, and there's dust, so i need to hit all of it w/ soap and water first, which i have hit a good chunk with, and then maybe i'll do vinegar and maybe idk, like i was thinking of doing some vinegar + baking soda cleaning. but it could be too much. these floors are just so dumb, they are too textured, and strangely too, not like real wood, like linoleum. ugly stuff.

i think this is definitely the best this song has sounded, the panning is getting a little less hard but that's good, puts things in greater focus, directionally, i guess.

yayyyyy. the song is good now, mostly, bass in the middle section is off a bit and maybe i just automate that louder, i am waiting on that though, now i just kinda wanna mess with a sound i have in my head.

and i made a sound i like, and it's like, made a song happen. that's fun. that will be for another thing maybe but who knowssss. it might make it on. it could replace another short song i have even.

anyway it's late. this week i have work isn't that crazy.

and funny, i can hear a guy's car speaker thumping now. i hear a lot of stuff around here, i'm thinking maybe i can get away with vocals here idk. 1 hour a day, noonish, whenever i am free at that time. i should avoid screeching but that seems like the way to do it if necessary, regular vox should be okay ofc.

while i'm up, i'm trying to re establish regular habits, even in the middle of everything being hectic and stressful, i'm looking at fashion scans again, these are from vogue girl korea and they're streetsnaps from london it seems, around 07, they're so funny to me.

look at his crazy pins... wtf. bejeweled guy. like it trips me up how 2d they look.

the hat, the vest, the clip on bowtie, the motto: concentrate on career. he is probably a good drummer, i figure.

the ecce homo shirt and untied shoes go crazy. i also love the rainbow necklace + the pins.

and i just love this dress.

i also love the graphic design bit of the text bubble, making you imagine all of these people are walking up to you and saying this to you. seems like a fun thing you could play with, just putting total nonsense in a textbubble like that. maybe i should trace those bubbles, lol.

n e wayssss. my head is killing me, so i need to sleep, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!

[catrition]

❝ you don’t have to talk. we can just sit together. ❞ ((post S5?

@gossamumbra

Just that voice alone was enough to make Catra’s skin crawl. Even as an ear twitched in the direction from which the voice came, she didn’t dare turn her head to look. She didn’t know which possibility was worse: Shadow Weaver’s physical presence or the unending torment stemming from the memory of Shadow Weaver. How many manifestations of a woman who wasn’t physically present had Catra confronted already? How many more would she have to fight off before she could finally find peace?

“Why would I do that?”

Catra’s voice was little more than a hiss, her words choked by some unidentifiable emotion in her throat. As much as she wanted to bolt, to go somewhere Shadow Weaver simply couldn’t follow, Catra’s legs were rooted to the ground. Was it a spell binding her in place, or was her own body betraying her? Neither possibility seemed particularly appealing to Catra. 

Even her tail remained still, an oddity for Catra in and of itself. She wouldn’t turn her head, even as each passing second heightened the temptation for her to look, to verify whether she was hallucinating Shadow Weaver’s voice yet again. But she would restrain herself. She couldn’t look. She couldn’t allow Shadow Weaver to witness emotion on Catra’s face in the event that she really was there. She couldn’t allow Shadow Weaver the satisfaction of having Catra’s full attention.

[katewaliss]

! write with me or fight with me!

you either die by my sword or the most painful head canons imaginable! *merida vc* choose yer fate

just kidding!

 hey there gaymers, i am crissy! i am 22, live in pst, go by she/her pronouns and honestly would very much like a distraction from life -- preferably in the form of 1x1 and rp in general. i am currently doing online school plus trying/failing at adulting, being a crazy pink haired college student living on microwave dimsum with my crazy fluffy demon cat, but that still leaves me with a lot of time and what better way to spend that time then crying and dying, am i right, boys? 

so without further ado ( adieu? idk gusundheit ) here are a list of discomboblulated plot things that have been floating around in my head that i might be fun to do ( plot fragments, ideas, ocs, fcs i like, settings, genres etc )! i’d prefer a message if u liked any of these in the inbox or dm form, my tumblr ims are open and my discord user is mr. worldwide#2918 ( pitbull supremacy ) but if ur shy i will message u and be annoying! 

lastly: i prefer hcing in the dms to replies, however i will do replies/ask memes slowly, i don’t really like making blogs and prefer google docs/discord and i ask ( gently and respectfully ) that minors do not interact.

thank u and happy hunger games! xx

COLLEGE TOTALLY SPIES -- i was really obsessed with this picture right here and i thought that the picture would be a good premise for a little four person group based on totally spies. i was thinking that these three college students/young adults some friends maybe not some enemies or just on completely different ends of the social agenda get bonded together when they accidentally end up roped in a top secret spy organization that is fronted by a record store. the details and flesh of the plot i think would be cute to figure out all together maybe in a google doc or a big discord so we can make the rp to perfect world building specifications. right now i have two spots open! 

my friend lexi over at comradc has taken the cool goth asian girl and is using lyrica okano

i am playing the freckly backwards hat lesbian in the red polo named aj mccallis and i think im using diana silvers ( not sure might switch to tati rodriguez )

we also have the cute blond girl w the dyed hair who is giving me kind of like sydney sweeney energies, blonde girl maybe like lalisa manoban/jinsoul,

and we have the rad black girl with the bandids who i would only accept black fcs for for such as diamond white, ryan destiny, salem mitchell, 

i’d prefer if this stayed kind of sapphic and female and enby friendly. we can def make make npcs and characters but i’d prefer if the characters looked like they do in the picture ( minus the white girls who can be racebent as long as there are vibes ) mostly bc i want the poc people to stay the correct poc! but yeah! if u like this message me specifically!!!!! seperately and hit me w a role ud like maybe an fc an idea anything < 3 im working on a google doc and discord sever

- i really want to play a himbo skater boy evan mock like its my dream i know nothing abt him other than he probably goes by something like mouth or juice or tris or dex or dante but !!!! he has buzzed hair he buzzes designs into, does stick n pokes, hates cops, will kiss anyone, likes to mosh at house shows, smokes a lot and sounds like crush from finding nemo, probably ur parents worst nightmare if im honest rodrick heffley energy -- adopt him for any plot

- i also really am obsessed with simay barlas who is my mascot rn -- i want to play her in some sort of dark academia setting with like gossip girl blair waldorf energies lu from elite and have her be really mean and cold and pretentious and play the cello and probably have secrets and be uptight idk the name mallory is resonating hard w me ( we could even do a gossip girl the secret history type group if people liked that ) 

-ok i also really really want to play streak aka silas montgomery who is like very like sidekick best friend to the golden boy main character, does a kick ass goat impression, class clown, relentlessly hits on like the most difficult person in school, does crazy things for laughs and attention, just wants to make people happy, only wears hawaiian shirts, finger guns, is going nowhere in life, his dad is probably the dean at whatever prestigious school also he is very very depressed and drinks often! love u! a I Feel Like Im The Worst So I Always Act Like Im The Best electra heart baby PINTEREST

also yes his hair is pink reg verse he did it on a dare but hp verse he did a potion wrong and it never came out

SOMEONE DO A LADY HANNIBAL WILL GRAHAM RP KILLING EVE RP W ME! i made this will graham adjacent gal for a genderbent hannigram rp her name is bisexual disaster enida johnson and sometimes goes by needy or will bc her middle name is willamena! has basically all the will things wears flannels is a mess but has a bunch of cats instead of dogs in her woods log cabin and im using crystal reed bc it fits perfect in my head idk if u like her hmu hit me w a lady hannibal PINTEREST

other stuff

ok i really want to do a princess and knight plot but with knight zendaya and princess anya taylor joy ???? ALKHALKSHALK LITERALLY HELLO literally modern or like dnd style i do not care but know i love dnd! we could make it like them goin on some skyrim quests like hi

speaking of dnd and skyrim if anyone wants to do like anything based in dnd stuff or skyrim stuff i am DOWN

jennifers body plot!!!! maybe set in college!!!!! sounds spicy i will do a f/f or m/m version leggo leggo 

UNTIL DAWN UNTIL DAWN!!!! i wanted to do a little like 6 person or mumu until dawn thing where everyone either makes new characters or characters based on the existing six! i made a girl adjacent josh character named riley PINTEREST who i love very much ( fc might change im thinking maybe medallion rahimi ) pls hmu if ur down

i looooooove breakfast at tiffanys!!!! like i really love breakfast at tiffanys we love a call girl broody author ship and i want to play a mishti rahman holly golightly type character so so bad 

pygmalion plot!!! basically like an author and the main character of their book comes to life and the book character is probably from a different period of time or realm so doesnt know how to do modern 2020 stuff like microwaves and the tv! and then maybe they get sucked into the characters book world thats written by the author and have to navigate that! enchanted! w the kdrama! energy!

GOSSIP GIRL PLOT ENERGIES

any sort of the secret history murder society until dawn ahs horror type setting i am on a kick rn 

i still really want a deaf sailor and siren plot bc that is so spicy or even like anything involving sirens like maybe one thats like vegetarian and doesnt like to eat humans so it ariel rescues one and keeps it safe!! or like only men are susceptible to the sirens song but aha! i am a woman! Romance!

anything in the realm of percy jackson i love mythology lets go i kind of want a echo narcisuss plot and i want it to hurt me so bad 

i will do harry potter stuff but only if its completely removed from the current canon like years in the future no existing families also maybe beauxbatons salem and drumstrang plots bc thats what matters

iiiiiiiii really like anime so i will do anything kakegurui, soul eater, ohshc

i kind of like grew up on the hunger games so i will gladly take any hunger games plots like young effie and haymitch is spicy or like a career tribute and one of the weaker poorer distracts enemies to lovers leggo

i have a kind of oc that had their parents die in a factory gas leak that was the governments fault and it turned them into a vigilante assasin that is slowly picking off bootlicker government people one by one pretending to be one of them until bam! gets attached to the rich asshole son or daughter of the head hauncho or one of the higher ups ... drama

rich little celebrity fussy wussy being held captive by the mafia and the tired stoic mafia guard but they fall in love 

i kind of like any plot that involves one person that is really loud or angry or dramatic or whiny and the other one is kind of sweet and gentle or does not talk much idk make brain happy 

speaking of!

no nonsense law student studying abroad in a european country and an artist there falls in love w them and is all romantic and gush and is like ur my muse!!! and they are like Go awAy and they explore the city together and themelseves its nice!

i want to be an avan jogia super villain idk why i need to but i do 

not to be a disney adult bc i am not but anastasia princesses dont kiss kitchen boys 

rival cheer captians? best friends brother? pop princess celebrity singer and like antiestablishment really angry rockstar in a publicity relationship? broody detective and sunshiney diner person that works at the diner they eat at everyday?

idk i will think of more hmu these can all be made f/f or m/m if they arent 

[vixey-chakraborty]

Vishaka Chakraborty -- Character Sheet

you leave home, you move on and you do the best you can. / i got lost in this old world and forgot who i am. i thought if i could touch this place or feel it / this brokenness inside me might start healing. / out here it's like i'm someone else, / i thought that maybe i could find myself. / if i could walk around i swear i'll leave. / won't take nothing but a memory / from the house that built me.

Archetype — The Innocent Birthday — September 08, 1992 Zodiac Sign — Rising Pisces; Sun in Virgo; Moon in Aquarius MBTI — ISFJ Enneagram — Type 2; the Helper Temperament — Phlegmatic  Hogwarts House — Huffleclaw Moral Alignment — Neutral Good Primary Vice — Lust Primary Virtue — Charity Element — Earth

Overview:

Mother — Mayra Chakraborty Father — Pahal Chakraborty Mother’s Occupation — Farmer Father’s Occupation — Farmer Family Finances — they get by, certainly aren’t wealthy Birth Order — second oldest Brothers — Farhan (older brother, 1988); Harish (younger brother, 1994); Lance (brother in law, 1994) Sisters — Shanaya (younger sister, 1997) Other Close Family — Charles Patel-Chakraborty (husband, deceased: September 23, 2020) Best Friend — tbd Other Friends — lots of swynlake natives; people from her hospital in london Enemies — n/a really Pets — so many...all the farm animals Home Life During Childhood — Good! Hard. They moved when she was very young (5, so in 1998) to Swynlake. Her whole family picked up and moved together and it was hard to adjust at first, but she’s been in Swynlake so long that its home. The first few years were rough as the farm got established, but once it was bringing in steady income, then things smoothed out. She loves her family a lot and they mostly all get on really well.  What Did His or Her Bedroom Look Like — She and her littlest sister shared a bedroom from the time Shanaya was like 4, until Vixey moved out. It was very girly and cute.  Any Sports or Clubs — She danced a bit, but wasn’t really into extracurriculars. Also, she had to constantly help on the farm and wrangle her little siblings, so she didn’t have much time.  Favorite Toy or Game — Her sketchbook. Vixey could just happily sit in the corner and draw all day. Schooling — Swynlake schooling until she went to King’s College for nursing.  Favorite Subject — Science, she likes how organized it is, lol.  Popular or Loner — Relatively popular. She was friendly and had lots of friends. Nationality — Indian-British Culture — Indian-British lol Religion and beliefs — Hindu! 

Physical Appearance:

Face Claim — Richa Moorjani Complexion — She struggled with acne when younger but it’s taken care of now. Has a few really cute moles and freckles. Hair Colour — Dark brown Eye Colour — Brown Height — 5’7 Build — Curvy Tattoos — None Piercings — Nose piercing Common Hairstyle — Wears it braided back most of the time, usually with a headband. Clothing Style — Casual-chic, lots of jeans and boots, but cute shirts/sweaters. Mannerisms — Fiddles with the end of her hair a lot or chews on her hair when she’s thinking.

Usual Expression — 

Health:

Overall (do they get sick easily)? — Living on a farm you are exposed to everything and therefore have a very hardy immune system, lol. Physical Ailments — None! Neurological Conditions — Suffering from a bit of depression.  Allergies — None! Grooming Habits — Pretty good, but not as good as you’d expect. She definitely doesn’t mind being dirty and sometimes forgets to shower before going into town after being out in the barn and such. Sleeping Habits — Normal, as a nurse she would sleep as soon as she hit the pillow. Has been having a bit more trouble these days. Eating Habits — Good! Eats a lot of healthy stuff, not a big sweets fan. Exercise Habits — Good! Girl has excellent upper body strength hauling animals and haystacks and that kind of thing around. Also goes running and does pilates. Emotional Stability — Good! Yes, she gets sad and will withdraw, but overall she is pretty stable. Body Temperature — Runs a little cold. Brings a sweater to the grocery store. Sociability — Very social, though she’s quiet. Friendly, but shy. Etc. Addictions — None, well--coffee? Drug Use — N/A Alcohol Use — Probably more than she should be drinking, rn. 

Your Character’s Character: 

Bad Habits — not wanting to deviate from her plans at all Good Habits — planning things meticulously lol Best Characteristic — responsible and organized Worst Characteristic — rigid Worst Memory — losing her husband Best Memory — her wedding! :( Proud of — her accomplishments, her family Embarrassed by — having to come back home after doing so well on her own Driving Style — a bit wild, honestly. The only time she isn’t extremely meticulous. Strong Points — organization, empathy, kindness, determination Weakness — not wanting to deviate from the plan Fears — not knowing where to go from here Phobias — none really Secrets — that part of her is glad to be home Regrets — not spending more time with her family the last few years Feels Vulnerable When — people ask her about her life goals lol Pet Peeves — disorganized people Conflicts — wanting to move on v not knowing where to go Motivation — making her family proud Short Term Goals and Hopes — get back on her feet and return to London Long Term Goals and Hopes — she’s not sure Sexuality — bisexual Day or Night Person — day Introvert or Extrovert — introvert Optimist or Pessimist — kind of in the middle? Depends on the situation Greatest Want — to find a new path in life Greatest Need — to take a breath and look around 

[my-autistic-things]

hey! omg i'm so happy I found your post / responce on your diagnosis for autism. i've thought i'm on the spectrum for a while now, i'm diagnosed with ADHD and have always had 'compulsions' that don't fit the criteria of OCD but that dr's have always put under that category UNTIL I read your post. okay I have NEVER had someone mention needing to feel stimuli on both sides of ur body ... "the gotta do the same thing on each side thing that’s super common apparently"as you put it ... (pt 1)

but when I read that today, idek how to describe it. ive honestly never met someone who has that urge and never been able to explain or understand why I do. thnk u so much for sharing that, it seriously did so much for me and connected a lot of dots in my head that I should connect with a dr to get 'tested'. idk if any of this makes proper sense. I did want to ask though if you know what that urge / compulsion is called or if u know of anywhere I can read up about it?! thanks so much (pt 2).

Super sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for so long!  I’m glad my post was so relatable!  I felt the same way until I read others talking about it vaguely and I was like...hEY!  I don’t know what that urge/compulsion is called, but I really wish I knew!  I haven’t come across any documents/research about this specifically, BUT I have read some articles about diagnosing autism that alluded to it.  It’s typically coded as “repetitive behaviors” which for me, means that I touch the side of each finger with my thumb at the same spot over and over again, or do things 8 times.  I don’t have the energy to look more at the DSM rn to find the specific language that it uses when describing essentially what the autistic community refers to as stimming, but that is generally what the DSM is referring to in various ways in that section of the criteria.

I’m going to discuss some stuff here just in case others want to know more/can relate!

On the show Atypical, the character does some things 3 times and it’s never mentioned that he has OCD, just autism, so it seems as though there is fairly wide recognition of having a compulsion to do something X amount of times. When I first watched the show I had an amazing moment of “I do that too!” because I never saw it before outside the context of OCD. After doing whatever fidget/stim thing I do with my right hand, I feel like things are super uneven and desperately need to do it on my left hand.  My brain is just like “gotta do it” and there’s no reason for it.  This got very bad when I was 12-14, which just so happened to be when I was under the most stress; I had just started going to school, I was fairly socially outcast, I realized I was transgender, I came out to my mom and I wasn’t allowed to start my transition, and I was severely depressed.  When I was 14 I started transitioning, changed schools, was super stressed about suddenly having friends and wanting to keep them, and I actually started medication for depression and OCD (which did NOT work and made everything worse and scared my mom into stopping all medication). Anyways, soon after that I started research autism, started college, got my drivers license and had a lot more freedom, fully transitioned, and got diagnosed with autism as well. Learning about sitmming and being under so much less stress allowed me to...not be as stressed lol. 

One of the ways OCD was explained to me (as in, me at 13 telling my therapist I have OCD and him telling me I don’t until I explained how distressing it is I have to do things 8 times), was that you feel like you have to do a specific ritual otherwise something bad will happen. Like there is an actual consequence you can explain.  He asked me what I was scared of happening if I didn’t touch my fingers 8 times and I didn’t have an answer.  For a random example, you need to flick your light switch on and off before leaving it on to scare away a monster under your bed otherwise it might attack you. Or, you’re scared your family is going to die and your brain tells you that if you do a specific ritual they will be safe.

Stimming is more like “this feels good and I will continue to do it until I am satisfied.”  This can be very confusing when it feels compulsory, but I noticed that it only feels compulsory when I actually need to stim and prevent a meltdown/shutdown/in sensory overload. Once I started using stim toys, carrying a tangle around, using a necklace of fidget rings, and being aware I’m autistic and need to stim, my “OCD” started going away.  Still got plenty of social anxiety, but the daily struggles I thought were due to OCD got so so so much better.

I’d just like to note, the main posts I’ve seen talking about needing to do things until it “feels right” or organizing things in a particular way that doesn’t make explainable sense but more until it “looks right” have all been about ADHD. ADHD and autism are so close, I don’t mean to mislead anyone to think about this OCD/stim compulsion whatever this is, is an exclusive autism thing. I was able to identify this as an “autism thing” by looking at the DSM criteria and interpreting the traits related to stimming and finding them directly corresponding with my “OCD” symptoms. But, the “feels right” aspect I have identified as an “ADHD thing” by reading posts made by others with ADHD talking about the same feeling.  So, I’m guessing this is a neurodivergent thing in general that some people experience! Probably more commonly found in autistic people, but I wouldn’t say it’s only an autistic thing.

Feel free to comment if you can relate to this! Or have any more information/want to share your experience!

[dcnativegal]

Day 55 of Pandemic, & I’m sick

Monday, May 4, 2020. Day 55 of the global pandemic (declared by World Health Organization on March 11th.) We as a planet hit 3,500,000 cases today, and 250,000 deaths. There are many more than that, but the planet doesn’t have enough tests.  But then, there was this announcement:

So obviously we’re in good hands. [Sarcasm alert.]

 The entire planet has slowed down, such that seismologists can detect the quieting of the earth: less shuddering of industry, cars, construction. Check out the drop in electricity usage:

Here’s a bit of perspective from Instagram:

The Lesbians of Paisley have been fertile ground for viruses. Valerie is nearly recovered from the viral pneumonia she was diagnosed with on March 26 at the emergency room at Lake District Hospital. She’d begun to feel feverish and achy, with violent coughing on March 15th, 2 days after what turned into my last day in my office at the hospital’s primary care clinic, and a day and a half after we’d dined with our friends Toni, Al, Bonnie and Bruce in person, sans masks. We began 100% isolation from the outside world the minute she felt sick. She recounted the ER adventure to a friend thusly: We drove in and they have organized a system that resembles getting on a [military] base after 9-11. We sat in the pickup at the checkpoint until a somebody in protective attire had taken my temp and saturation levels and asked a bunch of questions. Then they slapped a red sticker on the dash, told us to park in the ER lot and "don't get out of the pickup." Five hours later I had donated blood and been CAT scanned. I had two pneumonia shots that were current and two flu shots, also current. They checked the blood against 14 different virus strains and came up blank. The chest showed white lungs and my saturation levels were iffy. So they used one of the tests they had been sent, gave me antibiotics (just in case) and sent me home. Took me three days to sleep off all that fun.”

Me and Griffey the poodle waited in the pickup for her. At every sound, he got up from the passenger’s seat and looked at the ER entrance where she’d disappeared. No Valerie? Back to sleep. I walked him 3 times.      Hope, her RN daughter, told us that her flow through the ER was great practice in maintaining distance and perfect hygienic process through the CT scan, taking blood, even pushing her food on a tray to her. Lake Health District Hospital is prepared, and still, technically speaking, zero cases in the county.

I was so anxious about her health, her ability to breathe, that I gave up all thought of working from home. I listened to her breathing and coughing, brought her tea, and finally, asked her to write out her last will and testament. She did, and put it away. I figured, her kids are wonderful and won’t fight about stuff but, better for her to express her wishes, even if the paper wouldn’t be legally binding.

Apparently, I get the FrankenDodge (the pickup which has hit one too many deer and who’s grill is sewn together by wire). I’ll take it but I’d much rather have her.

We waited 10 days for the nasal swab results. While we waited, she got better. Never had that cytokine storm, nor that respiratory crash. Storms and crashes; pretty apt words for the medical horror of end stage COVID-19. Once her test came back negative, despite the warning of her PCP who says that nasal swabs miss between 30 and 47% of positive cases, I was able to go to town on the 10th of April, get some software downloaded onto the computer so I could work from home, and hit Safeway while wearing a mask. I also dropped off one of Valerie’s homemade masks to a friend, along with some toilet paper illustrated with Trump’s kissy face. The moment of levity was greatly appreciated.

I started feeling lousy six days after my jaunt to Lakeview (April 16th). Cough and release of gook high up in my chest. Headache. No fever. Who knows if I have COVID-19. We listen to a British gentleman, Dr. Campbell, daily, as he reviews what’s going on globally, and he interviewed a woman who had exactly my illness course, before she moved on to fever and gastrointestinal symptoms. She never got tested. Too much hassle. Which is so ridiculous, criminal really, and in the USA, a direct result of American hubris and incompetence. Fine. Anyone with any symptoms of any illness is isolated until we have a vaccine and treatment, is my prediction. I’m still feeling shitty, though better. Started taking antibiotics just in case and in the hopes of recovering SOMEDAY.

 My son Jonah and his girlfriend June escaped just in time the terrible plight of New York’s COVID19 deluge of infections and hospitalizations. They’ve been in Baltimore at June’s mother’s beautiful home. He spent his 26th birthday in the basement because they were still in quarantine. See adorable picture, below. Now they’re allowed upstairs, enjoying the quiet. Apparently, writing and directing music videos is not an essential service during a pandemic, but he’s writing pitches and living off the most recent lucrative gig with Kesha, thank goodness.

One of the most moving things that is happening in the USA during this time is the 7pm clapping ritual for medical workers and first responders in New York City, in all the boroughs:

There’s a firefighter in DC who’s going to hospitals and nursing homes to play the bagpipe.

That’s where my daughter Clara lives, in DC, but right now she’s staying with a friend in Laurel, MD, since her group house dynamics are stressful and had a symptomatic guest at last report. She’s working from home to make sure the Latinx school children are getting the tutoring they need now more than ever. We worry about her husband Jose and his country, Guatemala, since there are COVID-19 cases down there, and refugees seeking asylum are being dumped there, with and without the virus. Over 700 cases in Guatemala as of today. We hope he will get to the USA this year. However, Trump referred to it as a shithole country, which doesn’t bode well.

My sister and her husband are well, thankfully. They work fulltime from home in the company of Pepper the cat and Darcy the chocolate lab. Yuuki, 25, stays there, too, mostly in their room; they are out of work and applying for unemployment. Kohji, age 28, works from home in DC and makes more money as a web designer than I ever will after 34 years as a social worker, but who’s counting. (I remember well the admonition of a field instructor back in 1987: don’t go into social work for Power, Pay or Prestige.) His girlfriend is probably out of work; she works for a nonprofit that plants trees in DC. Probably not essential work right this very minute. Makoto, 23, is out of quarantine and looking for something to do; he’ll be a senior at the University of Delaware this fall. As far as I hear on Facebook and email, the rest of the folks with whom I share DNA are well. So that’s good. I worry about my Aunt Mary Lee who is 87. But she says not to:  she’s fine and her ritzy retirement community in McLean, VA is on “lockdown.”

Psychologically, in the experience of quarantine and ‘social distancing’, there’s me, and then there are my clients.

My moods go up and down, but a little further down than usual. The terror that Valerie might die of COVID-19 has passed, but I figure I will always need therapy.  I have “Facebook messenger” video chats with my therapist, Darcy of Bend, every other week now, which helps. Having ‘Generalized Anxiety Disorder’ and a tendency toward major depression, I find therapy to be a corrective. A bimonthly tune up. Without it, I naturally veer toward negativity and neurosis, and a hypervigilance that served me well when I was a child, but is exhausting, overwrought and over-thought as an adult.

Psychologically, Valerie is always fine. Seriously. She was once told as a young woman by a therapist who’d tested her with the MMPI (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) that she was outrageously and puzzlingly normal. Now that she’s feeling mostly well again from the pneumonia, she’s been tearing up the joint, fixing the sump pump that apparently keeps this little house from drifting down main street on the wetlands it’s built on. Digging out the leaves from our irrigation ditch, chopping and clearing the wood from our front yard.

The BEFORE picture:

The AFTER Picture.

 And this happened one morning in March. Just a cattle drive past our front door.

Valerie’s planning a garden at her daughter’s place, which has a deer-proof fence and lots of sun up on the hill above us. A delivery of horse manure is scheduled, and the garden bed has been rototilled. Val’s granddaughter Jessica and her husband Alan are living up there now, working from home for their Portland-based gigs. They’re almost finished the 14-day quarantine since they moved down here. The new normal: anytime anyone leaves one locale for another, they disappear into strictest quarantine, not to leave their abode. Groceries are delivered to the doorstep. A recent day turned out to be Jess’ 25th birthday: I’d bought a canvas bag with a picture of a pug on it, like her dog Archie, and Valerie found something gluten free flour mix with fresh jam to give her. Birthday gatherings are suspect at the moment.

Here’s a lovely idea for quarantined birthday celebrations:

What a kind and generous offer.

Even in isolation, Val and I do socialize, on zoom. The one pictured below is church.

We ‘visit’ with our fellow parishioners from St. Luke’s on Sunday evenings. Then we say Compline together, from the Book of Common Prayer. My favorite prayer of all time is this one from that service.

Yes, shield the joyous. Because joy is fleeting.

Our writers’ group, Easy Writers, ‘meets’ on zoom every Monday now. I wrote this bit about my yarn for the prompt, ‘write something in your home that means a lot to you.’

I am doing a great deal of crochet and a little knitting.

Yarn is my comfort and my joy. It is the raw material I create blankets and scarves and hats with. My tools are hooks and needles made from wood and plastic and metal. My fingers are also my tools.

Some of the yarn is like cotton candy: spun mohair from a goat is said to have a ‘halo’ or ‘aura’ because of the gentle cloud of color you can see an inch or two away from the spun thread. Some yarn is like twine: you can see every string of ply. My favorite is merino wool and single ply. A unity of color that will not split. All for one and one for all, the fuzzy stuff is twisted and bound into a single string of strength…

My clients are stressed out. The pandemic adds a layer to the stress they were already experiencing. I listen and knit, from within the cocoon of the yarn room which my folks can see behind me.  One of my clients wanders about with her phone in her hand while I get slightly dizzy. I like this kind of counseling since I get a glimpse of my clients’ homes. Reminds me a little bit of being a geriatric care manager. You can tell a lot about a person from their home. From my home you can tell that I have a lot of yarn, and I work multiple projects at a time because there are piles of them alongside my recliner.  

One of the sad weights of being present for my clients is their level of estrangement for most if not all social connections, especially people with whom they share DNA. And every single one has what is called in the mental health world “complex PTSD” from multiple traumatic experiences.  I sit with them, on the phone or via video. I hope to model for them what Carl Rogers called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ I breathe deeply to release my own distress at their sadness. We explore one tiny step toward reducing their isolation, the sense of trust. All during a pandemic where other people could be carrying a potentially deadly virus.

It’s no wonder I’m pawing mohair out of screen for my own comfort.

Sometimes I email clients links or articles on how to keep their spirits up, or about good things that are happening instead of the dire predictions they’re listening to or watching. There is much to share that is hopeful.  I sent one to a client on creative ways to care for everyone and she shot back:

“I believe this is Liberal rhetoric. 

Esp the paragraph below:

 This current emergency provides the possibility for a new emergence—the birthing of a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people and the living Earth. “

Oh well. We can’t have a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people, now can we?

Sigh.

 Brilliant writing is being penned right now, since the entire planet’s human inhabitants are barely one degree of separation away from this virus, which is apparently ‘barely alive’ and therefore hard to kill, as it spreads onward to make millions miserable and hundreds of thousands die.

I’m saving articles from The Atlantic, The NY Times, and the Washington Post, and following a historian named Heather Cox Richardson who writes a daily blog called Letters from an American. In a recent post she writes:

“The big news … has been the ‘protests’ of state governors’ stay-at-home orders and mandatory business closings to try to contain the novel coronavirus …These protests are a classic example of trying to control politics by controlling the national narrative. The protests are backed by the same conservative groups that are working for Trump’s reelection. …These are not spontaneous, grassroots protests. They are political operations designed to divert attention from the Trump administration’s poor response to the pandemic. Even more, though, they are designed to keep the American public divided so that we do not protest the extraordinary economic inequality the pandemic has highlighted.

These protests have diverted the national conversation by turning a national crisis into partisan division along the lines the Republican Party has developed since the 1980s... The change of subject protects not just Trump but also the ideology at the heart of his Republican Party. Since 1981, Republicans have argued that the economy depends on wealthy businessmen who know best how to arrange the economy—the makers-- and that it is vital to protect their interests. Under their policies, wealth in America has moved upward. The pandemic has highlighted how these policies have removed economic security for ordinary people. They cannot pay their bills, and they might well turn against an ideology that uses our tax dollars to bail out corporations while they must risk their lives to pay their rent.”  [Emphasis mine]

I am so glad someone smarter than me can reveal the interconnections of what’s going on politically.

There is food for thought on Facebook and Instagram: in the guise of a rewrite of Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese, this poem.

Mary Oliver for Corona Times (after Wild Geese)

by Adrie Kusserow

You do not have to become totally zen, You do not have to use this isolation to make your marriage better, your body slimmer, your children more creative. You do not have to “maximize its benefits” By using this time to work even more, write the bestselling Corona Diaries, Or preach the gospel of ZOOM. You only have to let the soft animal of your body unlearn everything capitalism has taught you, (That you are nothing if not productive, That consumption equals happiness, That the most important unit is the single self. That you are at your best when you resemble an efficient machine). Tell me about your fictions, the ones you’ve been sold, the ones you sheepishly sell others, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world as we know it is crumbling. Meanwhile the virus is moving over the hills, suburbs, cities, farms and trailer parks. Meanwhile The News barks at you, harsh and addicting, Until the push of the remote leaves a dead quiet behind, a loneliness that hums as the heart anchors. Meanwhile a new paradigm is composing itself in our minds, Could birth at any moment if we clear some space From the same tired hegemonies. Remember, you are allowed to be still as the white birch, Stunned by what you see, Uselessly shedding your coils of paper skins Because it gives you something to do. Meanwhile, on top of everything else you are facing, Do not let capitalism coopt this moment, laying its whistles and train tracks across your weary heart. Even if your life looks nothing like the Sabbath, Your stress boa-constricting your chest. Know that your antsy kids, your terror, your shifting moods, are no less sacred than a yoga class. Whoever you are, no matter how broken, the world still has a place for you, calls to you over and over announcing your place as legit, as forgiven, even if you fail and fail and fail again. remind yourself over and over, all the swells and storms that run through your long tired body all have their place here, now in this world. It is your birthright you be held deeply, warmly, in the family of things, not one cell left in the cold.

-Adrie Kusserow

 Not one cell left out in the cold. Yes.

There is so much to be grateful for. I have a place to live, and even while paying off my bankruptcy debt, I have plenty. Enough that I can make small donations here and there. Here’s one cause I found: supporting foster children who were in college and now have no place to go. (Terrible visuals for the logo: it’s “Together We Rise.”)

Soon, the nights of below freezing temperatures will pass, and both Lesbians of Paisley will be healthy at the same time.  Perhaps I’ll get my Tricycle-for-Grownups serviced and toodle around for exercise. Perhaps the Stitch & Bitch knitting/crochet gatherings will resume, maybe in a park for physical distance and social connection.

And maybe I’ve already had Covid-19, and so has Valerie. Looks like 50-70% of all the people on the planet, not quite 8 billion humans so maybe 4 to 6 billion people, need to catch this thing in order to give our species herd immunity. Or WILL catch it because we have no way to stop it, only to slow the infections so that health care is not overwhelmed. We live and Love in the Time of Coronavirus, to paraphrase Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I maybe a libtard, a snowflake, a lily-livered liberal, who’s heart bleeds. But I agree with this sentiment, found on Facebook, our American ‘commons’:

Love absurdly and abundantly, my people. And wash your hands. 

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[warcats-cat]

False Idol (Good Omens Fanfic)

Hello again!!! Guess who’s back on her bullshit!! It Me!! :D This is my first Good Omens fic, and this chapter hasn’t been beta’d (My beta is really busy rn and I didn’t want her to feel super rushed) This fic has six chapters, and I’m hoping to post them every few days. You can also find this fic on ao3. Please feel free to scream at me!! I crave validation!!

TW for this fic in general: angst, violence, wing violence, blood, character death, depression, funerals, Gabriel being a prick,  and Divine Intervention.

Chapter 1 - Lots of Lovely Things

There were lots of lovely things in A. Z. Fell & co’s bookshop. The building itself was small, and old, but certainly not shabby. The inside was cozy, always warm, and the shop itself was enticing in ways humans simply couldn’t express. Even if the current owner had a tendency to be harsh when dealing with customers, and never seemed to want  to sell his stock, there was something that drew people in.

On a good day, if the shop was quiet and there was a light drizzle outside, you might be able to strike up a conversation with the shopkeeper. He would tell you stories of his treasures within; not the books, but other things, like black and white photographs, or curious objects he claimed to have inherited from his ancestors. Everything in the shop had a story; if one was determined enough, you might at least leave the shop with one or two words-of-mouth.

But one curious object had appeared rather suddenly a few months ago, after the shop had mysteriously closed for several weeks, the doors locked and no notice to be found in the windows.

A little oak box with a glass pane across the front was hung up above the register’s counter. If you looked carefully, you could see a small photograph, a set of keys, and a strangely-shaped pair of sunglasses within the narrow box. Customers had been wondering at the box for some time now, but never worked up the courage to ask about it. The shopkeep hadn't had his previous vigor in keeping the place clean and organized as of late, and was much more easily persuaded into selling his tomes than the months previous. Many assumed the box to be a memorial of some sort. And their assumptions were entirely correct.

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It was a lovely day for a stroll in the park. Ducks swam around merrily in the pond and entertained all manner of visitors, the sun was out and the sky was cloudless.

It was nice to have a little freedom in their days now, and today was a very important day in Aziraphale’s opinion. Today he was going to take a very large risk, and test the limits of that freedom that came in the aftermath of the Not-Pocalypse. Aziraphale was dressed in his comfortable cream-colored coat; what was the point of eternity if one was uncomfortable, after all? Crowley looked quite lovely in his light black jacket and skinny jeans. Long and tall, almost delicate, if the angel didn’t know better.

Although he couldn’t see the demon’s face, there was a slight twist to his mouth that, to the casual observer looked like mere amused disinterest, but  looked like a glowing smile to the Angel. The pair were standing shoulder to shoulder, silently enjoying each other’s company, and Aziraphale casually rolled is shoulders as if to stretch them His wings fluffed and spread in the ethereal plane for just a moment.

This was it. This was the opening Aziraphale had been looking for.

Carefully, and without looking anywhere but straight ahead, Aziraphale reached slowly to his left and took Crowley’s hand in his own, gently intertwining their fingers.

Crowley stopped for a fraction of a second, a near imperceptible blush jumping up on his cheeks. Aziraphale chanced a glance from the corner of his eye, but the demon hadn’t stopped walking. He hadn’t even pulled away. In fact, Crowley seemed to worked up a little extra courage himself, and gently stroked Aziraphale’s thumb with his own. It was acceptance; this was really happening, and it was ok.

Aziraphale knew Crowley had been waiting for this moment for a while, but never would have initiated anything without asking Aziraphale a few dozen times to ensure the Angel’s comfort. If Aziraphale was really ready for public affection, and maybe a closer relationship, he would have to initiate it.

They walked for a while, just holding hands. Aziraphale began to lead Crowley away from the crowds, towards a shady spot at the end of the park. A small miracle was waiting for the pair in the form of a little wicker basket and a red-white-check blanket. There was an easy silence between them as Crowley spread the blanket and Aziraphale began to set out a small plate of tasteful sandwiches and two flutes of champagne. It was the first picnic of the rest of their eternity together. They could figure it out together.

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“Good news!” a voice startled Aziraphale out of the pleasant silence of the bookshop, “We’ve found a way to fix the mess you made!” Gabriel appeared in the doorway, tight faux-smile and clean gray suit adorning him. Aziraphale found himself at a loss for words for a few minutes, blinking owlishly at the archangel.

“O-oh? I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean…” Aziraphale stutters as he idly fixes a series of books on the shelf that didn’t need fixing. He felt incredibly uneasy just being in Gabriel’s presence; this wasn’t supposed to happen. It had barely been two months since the apocalypse had been averted, and the sham-trials of Heaven and Hell, and Aziraphale had really been hopeful that their trick had been successful. Crowley outright refused to speak about the trials, which left Aziraphale even more on edge wondering what exactly Gabriel had been willing to do then. And what would he be willing to do now?

Gabriel’s smile tightened even further, his face appearing almost like over-stretched plastic. “I think you know exactly what I mean, my annoying little Principality.”

Aziraphale swallowed hard and took a steadying breath; niceties were over then, it appeared. He turned to face the archangel fully, and lifted his chin just slightly before addressing his ex-superior.

“I did what I believed would be right. I will not apologize that bloodlust didn't have the opportunity to satiated.” He said simply, with as much confidence as he had. “I am not interested in destruction for the sake of destruction. And clearly, the Almighty isn’t either, because She hasn’t caused me to Fall, nor any other Divine punishments.”

“A punishment doesn’t have to come from God to be Divine.” Gabriel retorted, his smile falling into a sharp glare. It was a threat, but Aziraphale refused to take the bait. He refused to let Gabriel intimidate him. “Anyway, we are willing to overlook your past failures and welcome you back into the Heavenly Army, blah blah blah, be in Megiddo in three days.” The archangel clearly wanted to leave, and was beginning to look both bored and mildly frustrated that he couldn't affect Aziraphale like he used to. He straightened his silken tie and began to turn before a single word stopped him in his tracks.

“ No .” Aziraphale’s answer was quiet. His hands fiddled with his coat behind his back, but otherwise he was the picture of calm and steady. Had Crowley been there, the demon would not have been able to believe his ears; the typically timid and overly-loyal angle openly defying the Archangel Gabriel directly.

Gabriel spun on his heel, straightening taller than (humanly) possible and fixing Aziraphale with a venomous stare, as if he could ignite the principality with his eyes alone. "Excuse me?" All pretense of friendliness or propriety was gone from his voice. This was the most dangerous position Aziraphale could imagine himself in, and he had stared into the face of Satan himself. “I think you should rethink that response.”

Aziraphale squared his shoulders, lifted his chin a little higher, and met the archangel’s eyes. “I don’t believe in bloodshed. I don’t believe in war. And I will not help you destroy the Almighty’s creation over nothing.”

Gabriel set his jaw, huffed, and crossed his arms over his chest. “The Great War of Heaven and Hell is not nothing. We will win.” Suddenly, Gabriel was inches from his face, one hand fisted in the front of Aziraphale’s shirt. “You have no right to disobey direct orders. And if you tell your little traitor friend about this, or if either of you interfere, you’ll both learn what Divine Punishment really means.” and with that, the Archangel was gone, leaving Aziraphale alone in his bookshop.

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“Ok, angel, what’s wrong?” Two days later, and angel and a demon were having tea in the back of a quiet bookshop. Crowley looked concerned, at least as far as Aziraphale could tell. His mouth was turned down just slightly, the clock in the little kitchenette was ticking softly, and it occurred to Aziraphale that he had no idea how long they had been sitting at the table, nor how long the shop had actually been empty.

“I’m not sure I know what you mean?” He asked. Crowley’s face set stern for a moment before softening again. He sighed dramatically, before reaching for the spoon in Aziraphale’s hand.

“You’ve been staring at this creme brulee for six minutes, and your tea went cold almost ten minutes ago. Ya’got something going on up there. What’s wrong?” he asked the last two words more pointedly, and set the forgotten desert aside. The angle fidgeted in his chair for a moment, trying to decide what to say.

“They’ll be having their war tomorrow morning. It seems all the work we did was for nothing…” He stood, as if to begin cleaning up and putting away the dishes by hand, before Crowley put out a hand to stop him.

“What war, angel? Where are they having it? We could still--”

“We can’t stop them!” Aziraphale half-shouted over the demon’s speeding words. “Gabriel--” He worked his jaw for a moment, choosing his words carefully. “Gabriel stopped by a few days ago. He wanted to leave me a warning. To not interfere.” He pushed past Crowley towards the sink, not feeling up to the act of a miracle. Crowley was out of his chair in a moment, his movements silent as a snake.

“Did that prick threaten you?!” Crowley spat the ugly word. Aziraphale flinched, involuntarily, which caused the demon to soften just a touch, and lower his voice. “Did he threaten you, Aziraphale?” When the angel hesitated, Crowley moved around him to dry the dishes with a towel.

“In so many words. We have instructions not to interfere tomorrow. I already denied him my own metaphorical sword in the fighting.” there was a beat of silence before Crowley spoke.

“You’re afraid.”

“Of course I am. I thought we would have time . I thought the earth and humans and Creation would be safe! At least for a few years . But there’s a war that begins tomorrow at dawn and somehow the powers of Hell and Heaven have at least agreed upon a time to have their war and I feel absolutely powerless !” His hands had begun to tremble, and Crowley took him by the forearms and guided him to sit on a couch in a room off from the kitchenette. “I don’t like the thought that all of our effort was for nothing. And I don’t believe this is part of the Almighty’s plan!”

“Then we should do something, Angel.” was Crowley’s simple answer. Aziraphale shook his head, unsure that it would be possible to stop a second time.

“I don’t think we can. And I don’t know if we should.” he responded, quietly. “I don’t even know if I want to.” Crowley watched the angel carefully, as he sagged against the demon. This was much closer than they had been before, but Crowley was trying not to ruin the moment. His angel was clearly hurting. And then Aziraphale grabbed onto Crowley’s midsection and buried his face in the demon’s chest.

“ I’m so tired .” he mumbled, barely a whisper. Crowley tried his best to be comforting and tender, feeling like nothing but sharp lines and points while trying to hold onto an absolute marshmallow of an angel. He took a slow breath and moved a hand to rub Aziraphale’s back.

“I know angel.” And they stayed that way well into the night, even into the following morning. One of their first real moments of closeness happening on the morning of a war.

Read chapter 2 here!!

[ouremptysinks-blog]

Star In The Dark

Chapter 1

Characters: Steve Rogers X OC (Hailey Beaumont), OC’S Mom, The Avengers, Nick Fury, Phil Coulson, Matt Murdock, A CUTE AF EMT/PARAMEDIC ( I don’t know who else for rn sooo?) Summary: A young woman with too many talents gets recruited to be a part of the Avengers. (yep that's it. I’m not spilling anything else.) Warnings: Lots of swearing, some angst, self-depreciation, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, anxiety attacks, panic attacks,  okay maybe a lot of angst, daddy issues(not the sexual kind yall!) (please lemme know if I missed something!)

Words: 2376

A/N: So I’m crying, this is my first fic and I'm so scared yallssss please reblog and comment and PLEASE JUST REEEADDD AND AHHHHHH! DM ME WITH FEEDBACK OR JUST URGHFHJH FEEDBACK PLEASE JELLIES!! Also please don’t bother requesting smut, I won’t write it

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“Honey, could you please go into my office and grab the white file in the second drawer in my desk? I need it in an hour so please could you make your way here now? I’ll give you the money you need for the tech thing you want so bad! But please hurry!” my mother hung up.

The woman was amazing at what she did but she was so forgetful, I was amazed at how she hadn't lost her position even after 25 years. My mom worked for S.H.E.I.L.D., she was high up in the ranks. That was all I knew, well actually that’s all they think I know. You see, I’m a pretty techy gal. I am so sorry, did I seriously just say ‘gal’? Okay yeah so I am very into the tech-verse and yeah I’m very aware that my mom works very closely with Coulson and whatnot but you don’t know that either okay! Now shush I have to go! Before you ask, yes I do know where they are because as her immediate and only family. I was to come to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters if anything were to ever go wrong. If you asked me, S.H.E.I.L.D. was the last place we should be at. With all the rogue agents and undercover Hydras. Shit. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT EITHER OKAY! While I was spilling dirt that only I know, you didn't notice me start the car, did you? I hated going to S.H.E.I.L.D. so much. It was such a headache to get there. The idiots made it so you had to take about 120 backroads to get to the damn place. It was so stupid.

I quickly glanced at the duffel bag behind me. I wonder if I’d be allowed to use the training room? I can’t afford to miss today's workout, one workout missed meant a whole fight lost. Not that I was getting into any fights…Okay fine, I box! Erm... and it might be illegal… No one needs to know that either by the way! Snitches get stitches! Don't you dare forget! If I ever hear that you’ve let anything slip, I’m also great with weapons. That was indeed a threat, take it to heart.

I pulled up into the reserved parking space under my name. Grabbing my duffel and the white file with the big red ‘Confidential’ stamped on it, I swiped my ID into the holder. I was welcomed with a blast of air-conditioned air. They have these set to 16 degrees, and there was an air conditioner every 4 metres. The place was probably colder than Antarctica. Smiling at the receptionist I waved the file at her and she gave me a grimace.

“Lola left the files again?” she asked in a not surprised manner.

“Yep, you know how mom is.”

“Go on up sweetheart. If anyone asks, tell ‘em Susan sent you up. They can come and fight me.”

I threw my head back a little and laughed. Trying to contain my outburst, I grinned at Susan.

“I love you, Sue! I’ll bring you down a coffee, on my way back.”

“Oh honey, you don't have to! Oh, and I didn't tell you this but the training room is free from 4 till 8, so if you wanna punch some stuff, knock yourself out.” Susan whispered.

I pulled her into a small hug and then ran over to the elevators. I punched in the code and pressed on the floor number. The doors were just about to close when a not so subtle Patriotic soldier managed to place one of his feet in between the doors. He had been awake for a few months now. 3 to be exact, not that I’ve been digging or anything. I was a tad bit uncomfortable considering I looked like shit today. I looked terrible on a daily basis considering I was a fat fuck but today I was actually shit. He had taken his stance behind me, which made me x999 times more uncomfortable than I had in the beginning. I could also feel him staring which made my nerves increase even more. I was hoping that the ride down would stay quiet but unfortunately, to my dismay, he spoke.

“Are you new here?” he asked, voice smoother than silk. Yikes.

“I think I should be the one asking you, don’t you think?”

He seemed a little shocked that I didn’t give him a straight up answer. However, he hummed in agreement.

“I guess you should, I was here just yesterday and I didn’t run into you, that’s why I asked.” he smiled, not a bit of bitchiness in his voice.

“I was off yesterday.” I lied.

As the elevator doors opened, Captain Not So Frozen stepped out and head to the direction opposite of where I needed to be. PRAISE THE LORRRDDD! Before he opened the door, he spun around and yelled out, “Hey! I guess I’ll see you around Miss?”

I contemplated giving him a fake last name but decided against it.

“Beaumont”

Giving me a small smile, he said, “I’ll see you around Miss Beaumont”

Besides, it’d be funnier if he ran into my mom, considering she was Miss Beaumont. Ahh, the laughs. I checked my watch, ‘3:47’.

“Perfect”

I knocked on the door to my mom’s office, no one came to the door so I let myself in. I left the file between the keyboard and the screen of her closed laptop and wrote her a quick note on a post-it, letting her know where I’d be.

Lazily stepping into the elevator again I punched in another code and the button for the floor. This time, the melted man didn't stop the closing doors and I was able to get to the gym peacefully.

I pulled out my laptop from my duffel and started cracking. My ‘abilities’ weren't known to S.H.E.I.L.D., mom knew I could fight and she knew I was great with tech. What I did with those things, she didn’t know, and to be frank she didn’t need to either. I was done setting up the codes, all I needed was a clear frame. So when I stepped out and opened the doors to the gym, I was relieved to see it was indeed empty.

‘4:03’ my watch read. I stepped back outside and set everything else up. I didn’t need these buffoons watching me, and enter.

“That gave me such a headache, this stupid place.”

Manoeuvering my way to the changing room I threw my bag into one of the lockers and then went straight for the treadmill. I had four hours so I could do a lot. I would run/jog for half an hour and then, squats, lunges, one legged squats, box jumps, hip raises, deadlifts, straight leg deadlifts, good mornings, step ups, overhead press, bench press, incline dumbbell press, push ups, dips, chin ups, pull ups, bodyweight rows, dumbbell rows, planks, side planks, exercise ball crunches, mountain climbers, jumping knee tucks, hanging leg raises. Then I’d work on my hapkido if I finished everything nicely. Or I could go crash at my loft. I realised if I went back home, I wouldn't do any hapkido so I decided I’d just cut some stuff out and get to the martial art.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I finished up the leg raises and checked the time once more.

‘6:45’

That gave me a solid 5-minute break and a 10-minute shower.

The shower ended quicker than I had planned, eager to practice hapkido again. I changed into something more comfortable. Pulling out a mat I started my usual routine. But I wanted to do something a bit different today. I grabbed one of the knives. I was doing my thing and all when a stupid man decided to grab my attention. I was taken aback and grabbed the blade too hard. Blood dripping from my torn palm, Stark stares at me shocked.

“Shit, I am so sorry!” he tried to clean up my hand using the handkerchief from his pocket.

I took a step back, glaring fiercely at the idiotic billionaire.

“I can fix it myself, fuck off Stark.”

“Potty mouth, plus I apologized, didn't I?”

“Well if you weren't so fucking idiotic and ignorant, we wouldn't really be in this situation now would we?”

“Let’s get you to the infirmary.” he tugged on my arm slightly.

Pushing his money filthy hands off, I said, “I vividly remember telling you to fuck off. No?”

He merely smirked at me.

“Before I ‘fuck off’, I wanted to ask you something.”

Not being bothered to reply to the egotistical fuck, I stayed silent.

“How’d you hack into S.H.E.I.L.D.’S systems?”

Awh fuck, this is great.

“Hails, wanna tell me how?”

“Don't you dare call me that you fucking asshat! You don't deserve it.”

Grabbing all of my things I stormed out of the anxiety-filled room to be met with another fucker I hate.

“Nicholas.”

“Ah Miss Claire, you’re just the person I wanted to see.”

“Ah, Joe you flatter me, Starkies in the gym if you wanna see the fucker.”

“I assure you, you're the one I was looking for Hailey.”

Hiding my bitchy feels, I follow Joseph into the elevator.

“So what’s up Joe-man?”

“Not here.”

If Fury thought it’d be better to talk about whatever he wanted to talk about specifically in his office, it meant that this thing was big. And very confidential. If I said that it didn’t scare me, I’d be 100% lying. It scared the shit outta me. Fury and I, well we go way back. He’s known me since I was in the womb, and we’ve been super chill. So fuck yeah I was stressed.

I followed the fucker into his office and took a seat. I was not about to risk falling on my fat ass.

“Miss Beaumont-”

“Zhang.” I reminded the ignorant man.

“Miss Zhang, I know you’re aware that I know about your skills.”

“And what? Thought it was a mutual agreement where I don’t fuck your organization over and we keep my ‘skills’ a fucking secret.”

“It was until the Avengers.I’d brief you on the whole thing, but something tells me you already know way too much.”

I kept my eyes glued to him, not looking away for even a second. I was proud of my abilities and plus, he never told me to keep out of anything.

“Listen, you already have a bunch of power puffs and musketeers. What do you need me for? Plus, isn’t there some rule that you can’t work for S.H.I.E.L.D. unless you’re twenty-five plus? HA BITCH! I’m still 22!” Crossing my legs, I smirked at him.

“That rule is bullshit and I know you know it and fine. I’ll just tell your mom about your pastime activities.”

“You wouldn't dare!” I glared at him.

“I would if it meant you’d join the Avengers.”

“Cause pointing you to the Skull-topuses arent enough? Now I have to join a stupid marching band?”

“Hailey.”

That shut me up. But before he could say anything else I yelled,  “FINE! Fuck you, I’ll do it. Not like you’ve actually given me a choice.”

“Come to the meeting room in an hour”

“No”

“Agent Zhang”

“I’m not an agent bitch.”

Mentally giving myself a once over I tell him, “Tomorrow. You want me to be a part of this pep squad? Then I want the meeting tomorrow at 7.”

“Sevens a bit-”

“8:45 or else I'm out.”

Rolling his eyes he huffed out a ‘fine’.

Standing up, I grabbed my bag and pushed through the double doors. The elevator ride pissed me off. I threw myself out of the elevator when I ran into a chiselled figure and fell back. I braced for impact considering I couldn't do a double flip to save myself because I wasn't supposed to know how. But the impact never came. Instead, I felt strong arms hold up my weight. Staring into steely blue eyes I realise who’s holding me. I push him off and let myself fall to the ground. Hanging my head in shame, I stutter a sorry.

“Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine. I just need some air.”

I ignore his gaze, I push past the man and rushed out of the building. I ran to my car and turned on the engine. I couldn't breathe, fuck. I reversed and then pulled out onto the highway. I kept driving until I realised my eyes were getting clouded and I was about to throw up. I stopped on the side as soon as I exit the highway. My chest hurts, I can’t breathe. I threw myself out of the car and collapsed.

I woke up to red and blue accompanied with blaring sirens.

“Miss are you alright?”

This was embarrassing… I passed out on the road and someone had called 911. Fucking shit.

“I’m fine,” I nodded curtly.

“Alright, we’re just going to do a couple tests and if everything’s fine we’ll let you go. Is that okay with you?”

I smiled at him weakly, nodding my head.

“Are you able to stand?” she asked very politely.

As I tried to stand, I almost fell back but the woman had caught your arm before you did. You could feel your throat close up again. She sensed something was wrong and quickly let go, but only after she made sure you were steady.

After all the tests, I walked over to my car and as I put on my seatbelt, the paramedic who tended to me knocked on my window.

“Hey, if you ever want to speak to anyone about anything, here’s my number.”

“Oh no that’s- it’s- I’m fine. It’s okay!” I tried being peppy.

It clearly didn’t work as her brows furrowed deeper. Sighing I took her card and mumbled a thank you. She gave me a bright smile as I drove away from the area. I was definitely not calling her, but for some reason, I just shoved the cared into the glove compartment instead of throwing it out. 

[endgameexecutor]

So my wife, @crazygingerlady, wanted to see how much I’ve changed over the years. So here’s an ask meme I answered ages ago with updated answers. The old answers can be found here.

What was your:

Last drink: Cranberry lemonade, babey!

Last phone call: My wife. OvO

Last text message: (From my sister about a crab she caught): Could be a girl.

Last song you listened to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJAvPsSeXvg

Last time you cried: Bitch I wish I could cry. It would prolly help me get out all these bad emotions squatting in my body, not paying their dopamine rent.

EDIT: My wife informs me I was crying over how cute baby snakes were last night.

Have you ever:

Dated someone twice: Does dating my wife constantly count?

Been cheated on:

Kissed someone and regretted it: Only once, when I poked Jayde’s eye with my nose.

Lost someone special: I lost my grandmother when I was a child. I couldn’t even comprehend what was going on back then. It hit me like a truck a phew years later and I felt like shit when it did.

Been depressed: Been?

Been drunk and thrown up: Still don’t drink. Maybe if I had something blue and fruity...

In the past year have you:

Made a new friend: Lot’s of them in my college classes. Right now they’re on Discord shitposting about Seto Kaiba.

Fallen out of love: That’s an emotional roller coaster I plan to never ride again.

Laughed until you cried: Every time my wife says something funny. Unless it’s terrible terrible terrible.

Met someone who changed you: See: “My wife.”

Found out who your real friends are: I can trust no one in this filthy world but my cat, Arby.

Found out someone was talking about you: Are they? ...Are they saying nice things?

Kissed anyone on your Facebook list: Jayde were we Facebook friends before or after we kissed?

EDIT: She informs me it was before.

General:

How many people on your FB friends do you know irl?: I’m in a long distance relationship with my wife so that one’s a technicality. All my other IRL friends use Discord.

Do you have any pets?: Four cats. One with anxiety, one doesn’t like me, one’s a sweet angel, and one’s Arby.

Do you want to change your name?: Can I add titles like “Duke”?

What did you do for your last birthday?: Get a surprise visit from my wife who I proceeded to hug for a solid three minutes.

What time did you wake up today?: Nine-thirty. Or at least I’m hoping I woke up. I’ve got errands to run.

What were you doing at midnight last night?: Binging Criminal Minds way past bedtime.

Name something you CANNOT wait for: The fall of capitalism.

Last time you saw your mother: About a week ago. I’m the man of the house for now. Those plants you see outside? I watered them. Yeah, I’m a big deal.

What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself: Hi I’d like to return this depression with the executive dysfunction that came with it.

What are you listening to rn?: The dulcet tones of Jayde’s AC because I’m Skyping her while I write this.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: I was on the highschool math team with one but let me ask this; why Tom? Why is that such and important name to you? Are you looking for a Tom? Did he break your heart?

What’s getting on your nerves rn?: The loneliness that comes with being the only person in this house.

Nickname: My wife calls me Bingus.

Relationship status: In a long-distance relationship, with my wife, @crazygingerlady.

Zodiac sign:  ♉

Pronouns: He/him

Favourite tv show: I am fickle man, but right now the first two to come to mind are Criminal Minds and Star Vs.

High school: No thank you I ain’t reliving that. I think I was even more depressed and self-destructive back then.

College: Actually really enjoying my current degree in graphic design!

Hair colour: Still brown. Also why the “u”? Is this questionnaire some sort of data collection means for British spies? Or did I change it back then because I thought it made me look “cultured”?

It really just made me look like a twat.

Long or short: It was long and curly but then Jayde gave it a trim when I last saw her.

Height: Taller than you’ll ever be and that’s all that I need to say.

Do you have a crush on someone?: Golly gee whoever could it be?

What do you like about yourself?: Apparently I look real good in button-up flannel.

Tattoos: I have a plan to get “ARE YA NASTY” penned right on my cheeks before the year is out.

Righty or lefty: Righty.

First surgery: After a cursory check I have confirmed all my organs are in their proper places.

First piercing: One time I had this really bad splinter does that count?

First best friend: I think it was actually this kid who hit me in the face with a shovel. I don’t think we were friend for too long after that.

First sport you joined: Soccer when I was a kid. Went through a child league or something of the sort and stopped. I was not very good at it and am no better as an adult!

First vacation: Seattle as a kid, pity I can’t remember a lick of it on account of being baby.

First pair of trainers: I still have no idea what the fuck this means. Maybe the OP really was from the UK.

Rn:

Eating: Currently digesting a Taco Bell quesadilla.

Drinking: And a Strawberry Icee from the same place.

I’m about to: I’m not sure, I might go to France’s many vineyards and sample their finest wines. Or I might just finish up this questionnaire. I dunno.

Listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAbNynH35pw

Waiting for: My family to get home and also dreading it a little as well. Sure it was lonely, but it was also quiet.

Want kids: I already have baby names lined up.

Get married: Jayde’s grandparent’s have been looking at rings for us already.

Career: Remember when it seemed like I was going to be an accountant? Me either. Let’s keep going with graphic design like my wife was right about.

Which is better:

Lips or eyes?: If you’re asking what I like in a partner then I’ve gotta ask why exactly you’re making me choose!

Hugs or kisses?: Excuse me while I fucking embrace my wife.

Shorter or taller? I love my short, fat wife.

Older or younger? Older. My wife has a whole year on me! Grandma.

Romantic or spontaneous? I feel like there’s an overlap but I definitely need to plan more dates to surprise Jayde with...

Nose, stomach or nice arms? This still sounds serial-killer-ish but if I’m to set that aside, stomach.

Sensitive or loud? Bitch Jayde’s both. And I love it.

Hook up or relationship? I’m so happy with the one I’m in now. I ain’t ever gonna stop loving her. Bitch.

Troublemaker or hesitant? I dunno, I guess that would depend on trouble for who? Though given the bad ideas I suggest I’m really glad Jayde doesn’t do any of them.

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger? Only when I pretend not to know who Jayde is.

Drank hard liquor? I’m not sure how to put a funny spin this. Next!

Lost glasses or contacts? I can’t wear them lest they reduce the beauty of my stunning hazel eye-things.

Sex on first date? That one is gonna be a nada for good.

Broke someone’s heart? I have, I still feel fucking terrible about it.

Been arrested? Nope, my record is clean aside from those traffic tickets.

Turned someone down? Yup, I had to tell Arby he wouldn’t get more food because he’d already been fed.

Cried when someone died? Not immediately. I think the “losing a loved one” covers that pretty well.

Fallen for a friend? Story of Jayde and I’s relationship.

Do you believe:

In yourself? On good days, yeah I do. I also might be too confident in my graphic design skills though.

Miracles? Yes, his name is Sirius and he’s Jayde’s baby boy.

Love at first sight? With my wife, but at the time my dumb-ass didn’t realize it. I’m as dense as lead.

Heaven? I’m not sure how to answer that. I mean I won’t fight against it’s existence but I ain’t but all my chips on it either.

Santa Claus? That was explained to me years ago but like hell I’ll ruin it for my kids. How much do red suits cost?

Kiss at first date? I’m not sure so I just kiss Jayde a lot to cover my bases.

EDIT: Jayde says our first “real” date was at the aquarium, and we kissed a lot.

Angels?: Have you seen my wife?

Speaking of I hope this gives a better idea of how I’ve changed over the years. I love you sweetie<3

[chaicopaci]

Answer the questions below and tag some blogs to do the same.

Tagged again by the always sweet @lunarianbeams

GENERAL

How many people on Tumblr do you know in real life?

At least 6 or 7, maybe more I don’t really recall.

Do you want to change your name?

My name doesn’t really matter to me, I don’t really identify with my name much but I don’t like hate it either?

What time did you wake up this morning?

7h45, I woke up a little later than I should’ve

What were you doing last night?

Sleeping? I cooked myself dinner I guess

Is there something you can’t wait for?

I’m starting a new job next week and I’m excited about that!

What’s getting on your nerves right now?

Three of my classes are so irritating rn

Do you have a crush on someone?

I mean kind of, I always have little crushes on people? I always joke that I fall a little in love with anyone who is nice to me except its not really a joke cause its true

What do you like about yourself?

I like my music taste and that I try to be a nice and laid back person. I have had quite a few people tell me recently that I am a really positive laid back person to be found and that makes me so happy

WANTS

Kids: No. I never want my own children but I might consider adopting some older children later in life if I think I can give them the life they deserve.

Get married: Doesn’t matter really, I don’t see marriage as super important for me personally

Career: I think realistically I want to be a therapist. 

LASTS

Last drink: Sleepy Time Tea

Last meal: Red Robin fries and a milkshake

Last phone call: My new job telling me when to come in for orientation!

Last text message: “True” to my friend

Last song listened to: Marilyn Monroe - Sevdaliza

Last time you cried: Last time I remember crying was like last week? I think? I was missing Jjong…

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

Made a new friend?

A ton! Through new friends I’ve made even more friends plus I went to France to study over the summer and met tons of lovely people

Fallen out of love?

No. Not in the way this means at least, I have fallen out of love with past passions and with people I’ve wrongly idolized that proved unworthy.

Met someone who changed you?

Yes, I learn and change and row from everyone  I encounter (Or at least I try to )

Found out who your true friends were?

I think so? Most of my friends are relatively new and I haven’t gone through any extremely trying times recently?

Found out someone was talking about you?

Surprisingly yes :(

NOW

Eating: no

Drinking: tea

Listening: Taemin

I’m about to: Go to sleep

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes? both!! If I had to choose eyes, I could fall in love with anyone's eyes

Hugs or kisses? Again both but hugs I suppose. I like to feel small and wrapped up in someone. I love physical affection so much its gross to some people

Nose kisses or neck kisses? Neck kisses, I loveeee neck kisses

Shorter or taller? I guess called? I love short people cause cute but I like when people are taller than me cause I like to be able to be surrounded by them when I hug them and I need assistance reaching thinks often lol 

Older or younger? older I think, I don’t really enjoy interacting with immature people. Being childlike In some aspects is wonderful but being unable to be mature when the situation calls for it is not

Hook up or relationship? a relationship, I’m not someone who can do hook-ups

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: Yeah when I was like 13

Drank liquor: Lol yeah

Lost glasses/contacts: Nah I don’t need them

Sex on first date: No, that's just not for me

Broken someone’s heart: I hope not?

Been arrested: No

Turned someone down: Uhh yeah 

Developed a crush on a friend: Oh yeah, fairly often, as I said I fall a little in love with damn near everyone

Dated someone twice? No

Been cheated on? No

Kissed someone and regretted it? Yes 

Lost someone special? Yeah 

Been depressed? Yeah but my mental health has been getting better, leaving my hometown and HS really helped as did therapy, plus I’m medicated now and in a much better environment.

Been drunk and thrown up? I’ve never thrown up because I was drunk but I did throw up one time because I drank a really gross alcoholic drink

Talked to someone with the same name as you? Often

DO YOU BELIEVE…

In yourself: Yes, more now than ever

Miracles: Yes, I think miracles are all around us if we pay attention

Love at first sight: In some ways yes, but more in the way of a kind of infatuation than of real love

Heaven: Not really, I believe in something but not the Christian idea of Heaven, I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school and I had a terrible experience with it so I hold a lot of resentment toward Catholicism (and Christianity in general to an extent) that I’m working on, not against individuals but more against organized religion 

Santa: No

Witchcraft: yeah I think its very possible

tagging @loretastic @finnsdamerron @prideandpen @purple-tae @jjongeyed @judeccaenis @dogtorpepper @these-staining-wounds and anyone else who wants to 

[ts-hvv4]

EPISODE ELEVEN: “MAYBE IM PARANOID OR MAYBE IM ABOUT TO GET CLAPPED” - LUKAS

This game is genuinely getting to me. With all the world going mad and panic’d, my schedule and thoughts has been all over the place. I’ve come to realize that a lot of the people in the game require actual effort to talk to because in games, you kind of have to be ON all the time in order to get your point across, be nice, or to avoid slipping up. But it’s getting overrated for me. I’m an introvert and at the moment, talking to these people requires too much of my energy when all I really want to do is cuddle with my boyfriend or hang out with friends I may never see again because they might leave my college campus at any moment. Since my college is completely virtual for the rest of the semester, I may graduate before saying goodbye to some people I truly care about. It’s all very surreal and depressing. I no longer really care to hear about what Sharifa’s doing when I know she’s just plotting stuff with other people while I’m talking to her. Why waste my breath? I could just sit and do nothing and not worry about this considering I’m not getting anything real out of it. I’ve had fun for a bit but now it’s overwhelming. One of my biggest outlets just left the game because there’s some people who are too content with just allowing a CLEAR trio of people with 2 idols stay in the game unchallenged. Yet, I can’t even do anything about it myself. I don’t have the numbers and I already fucked up by trying to make amends with Jake in the first place. Which is what gave that trio another idol. Oops. The worst part about it is that I’ve genuinely tried to be a good ally to those who I’ve felt have been good allies to me. I was fully on board to take out Sharifa and fucked my own game to tell Lukas the truth. Now, any time I talk to him, I feel like I’m talking to someone completely different. Like talking to a person who could go crazy at any point. The week after, I tried SHEEPING an alliance that I knew had too much power but wasn’t going to do anything about because I figured I needed their safety. But while I was doing that, they decided to fuck me over last second and try to completely vote me out. Why? Cause they were paranoid because I was being loyal. This week, I considered taking out Kurt but realized it wouldn’t happen. Yet, since the damage has been done by everyone already, why wouldn’t they take out my closest ally? Why give a fuck about me when they can just do whatever they want anyways? No reason to. They can just do and say whatever and have fun doing it. Now, I get to decide if this challenge is worth me trying to win or not. If I win, they can target someone else. Someone they all just talked about votes with. If I lose, they can vote me and I don’t have to deal with their bs anymore. It’s kind of a win-win not gonna lie. But if I win the challenge and STILL nothing happens, I’m just gonna be straight up annoyed. I’ll be frustrated and care even less about what happens which is wild considering all that I just wrote. But realistically, the vote would probably just go to Sarah or Ned anyways. Take out an inac or someone who might have an idol/power. Compared to the wild card Lukas who is following them or the overly nice person they shit on all the time (in Malik). So meh. We’ll see how much time I want to waste tomorrow but rn I’m not feeling it that much. 

I won immunity holy FUCK. 940583 people tied, again, but I won the tie breaker, again. Lukas is going around calling me a comp threat sldkfjs SIS I WON A STAY UP ALL NIGHT CHALLENGE, A “HEY WHAT’S YOUR COLOR” CHALLENGE, A GUESS A NUMBER BETWEEN 1 AND 4 CHALLENGE, AND A FILM A VIDEO OF YOU EATING WHILE YOU TALK CHALLENGE LKAJDSFLKSJDLFKJ ITS NOT THAT DEEP!!! Stephanie voice: You want to call me a threat? I’ll show you how threatening I am. I’ve been cooking up a lil plan for tribal and the best part about it, no one knows I’m at the center of it. Operation backstab Jake is commencing in 5, 4, 3, 2…. Everyone is scared about Jake, Kurt and I being a trio and they want to split us up. Why is everyone scared you ask? Because Jake fucked us over by spilling our tea to Nicklas and not disclosing that relationship to us. It’s just funny because I remember how mad Jake got at me, when I let him know I was pissed. Jake spilling the alliance to Nicklas and telling him I was going after Sarah, is the whole ENTIRE reason why I almost went home at top 11. It’s the whole ass reason why Nicklas had enough information to expose me. It has been a wrench in my plans since the merge. What Nicklas wasn’t prepared for is the fact that I can adapt to whatever situation that is thrown at me, and I’ve been able to shift gears, adjust, and keep on driving down the highway. Part of that adjusting though is getting rid of the target on my back from this trio. Winning this immunity was high key crucial. By me being immune, and Kurt having the social game he has, the only member of the Gross Sisters that people can get the votes on is Jake. The smartest thing for the The Butterflies to do was to plant the seeds and reap the harvest. Just nudge nudge Malik/Lukas/Sarah to something they already want to do, just don’t realize they would have the votes for. Oh just in case if I haven’t updated, The Butterflies consists of Ned, Kurt and myself, named because when I told Ned to be smooth with his game play, he responded “I’ll be as smooth as a butterfly” FLSKDJ got to love the straights <3. Ned and Kurt have a tendency to overthink, they’re really nervous about the execution of the move, and I am to. Because Jake has an idol, and he has enough info to blow up all our games. Voting him out is like trying to deactivate a bomb. One cut of the wrong wire and BOOOOOOOM, we’re dead. Because of that we have to make sure that this doesn't get back to Nicklas. To help stall, I’m telling literally everyone I can get my hands on that I want to vote Nicklas out. That bridge is already burned so might as well keep lighting it on fire hehe. If the destraction vote is Nicklas, than that can hopefully justify my shady behavior to Nicklas and Jake. Hell, maybe Jake would play the idol on Nicklas, which would be beautiful. The thing I’m most worried about is Malik or Lukas approaching Nicklas with the plan to vote out Jake. If they do it’s imperative I organize a split vote. 4 votes on Jake, 2 votes on Nicklas, and 2 votes on Sarah. It will suck because Jake will be left in the game with ample time to expose Ned, Kurt and I, but at least Nicklas will be gone and Jake will have lost some power. Malik and Lukas are already plotting, thinking this is their idea, and Sarah approached me acting like she talked about it with Malik and not Lukas. IM TELLING YALL SARAH AND LUKAS ARE TIGHT AKLSDJF THEY CAN TRY TO HIDE IT FROM ME BUT IM THE QUEEN OF SECRET ALLIANCES. So Sarah brought up voting out Jake and I acted all morally conflicted, said I needed the night to think about it. Sarah can be really flighty so I need her to think she’s in the driver seat. I feel awful. I'm promising an end game and everything, I even made a final 3 with her and Ned, but I need to do what I need to do, to get The Butterflies to the end. Plus I think she’s high key playing me because her and Lukas are def something. I made a deal if we did Jake this time, she HAS to use her vote steal to get out Nicklas right after. I’m pretty sure this is going to be a double tribal, and that’s when I’ve been planning to take Jake and Nicklas out in one fell swoop. This plan is so fragile, and can literally blow up at any second, but if I don’t make this move, I know Jake will not let me touch final 3. My game has always been taking people out, before they could take me out, and that’s just what I have to try to do. If this move does work, final 7 is going to be tricky tricky, if Ned, Kurt and I can make it past it, we’re almost home free, but everyone is going to want to take a shot at me if I lose immunity. Kurt and I have talked about him being the one to pull the trigger. He’s going to go around saying it’s time to take a shot at me, and we’ll see who goes with it, and who won’t. The idea is forcing Sarah into using her steal a vote to help me get out Nicklas. If it is a double tribal, everything is going to happen fast, I just need to make sure I keep myself grounded and calm. I know this jury is bitter as fuck at me right now. And as my body count gets higher and higher, so does the salt level. But even though it seems impossible, I am WINNING this game I swear to God. I have fought tooth and nail, I’ve run this season, and I will take my rightful place on the throne, with my third crown. 

So this vote will go one of two ways: 1) Jake or Sarah go home, which are both fine by me. I would die for Jake to be taken out since he’s so distant towards me, but if Sarah goes due to some shifty shit I’m fine with it. Kurt and I have been working soooo hard on getting the votes on Jake, and we think we have Malik and Ned and maybe even Sarah. But Sharifa is still on her warpath towards Nicklas and Jake wants Sarah, so who knows. 2) Either Kurt or I go home. People have been eerily quiet around me and I know that in this season, that’s a bad omen (as Matt and Dennis have proven). So maybe I’m paranoid, or maybe I’m about to get clapped. All I know is that if I survive this round and a potential live round tonight, this game will be more in my hands than it ever has been.

[kokeggy]

my brain is filled with ouma and i cant stop it

i totally forgot the time man, its almost been 2 months since i played the game and it totally didnt feel like that at all

i still can recall a ton of things fluidly and as for now i dont see a particular reason to replay the game (other than wanting to get to know ouma better) 

but oumas character is just.. so tragic. i cant even begin to explain the depth of his character, it would be pages long and im way too lazy for that. ill always just write mental drafts and let myself feel when it comes to ouma

ill a cut here since its already a bit long rn lmao

and i think ouma is a character who is deeply troubled by his insecurities/possible mental illnesses (such as bpd or servere depression) in a way that these insecurities are his most memorable characteristics. that is absolutely sad and tragic

furthermore since the moment i started to play this game i always thought it was suspicious that ouma claimed he hated liars even tho he was one himself. sure that couldve been one of his lies, but my intention rlly didnt like this idea so i thought he was actually speaking the truth. i realized today that ouma was hinting at shuichi that he hated this persona that he had to create for the sake of this game

but i do agree that i sometimes tend to overthink ouma lmao while is incredibly intelligent, he couldnt have figured everything out, plus his trust issues and paranoia were in the way of looking into every possible situation. yet i somehow believed that he did a lot of stuff while being completely aware of their consequences - but thats not possible. ouma is not a superhuman who can figure out what happens to the world in [insert year]. hes a character with deep flaws which balances his cunning behavior 

to his actual personality, i might seem like the most biased person in the world but i truly believe that ouma didnt want to harm anyone. its just that the killing game... happened lol

as far as i can self-insert, i do believe if i happen to be in a killing game i would be quite similar about it. minus the creating a fake persona thing for me its absolutely impossible to trust 15 people whom i just met that they wouldnt kill me under stress. you know, if you activate the right buttons on someone, they can work how you want them to. and this is what feared ouma (rightly so)

anyways i take the anthologies as canon material since theyre approved and licensed by spike chunsoft, and we obviously see that ouma is nowhere near as antagonistic as he was in the game. although, i only have read the first anthology (also while we are at it, i cant wait to buy the thjree v3 anthologies even without knowing japanese, lulz)

but we also see his character actually getting darker and darker with each chapter, with chapter 4 probably taking the point. esp on when it ended. at first i was kind of conflicted about his oversentimal reaction towards gonta being executed, because that felt just as fake as his overly evil presentation afterwards. altho after some time thinking abt this, i came to the conclusion that he just leaked a little bit of his juicy true self(tm), realized that what he meant was actually genuine and then proceed to vent his emotions in making him seem like the most villainous person u ever met. because i think one of the reasons ouma acted out like is because he believed he was at fault for gontas death. so instead of trying to sweet talk yourself, he just took the oppurtunity to make him the least likeable person. cuz who would ever want to like someone who jokes about genuinely being concered about someone dying? yeah no one dude

also i think ouma is ironically a bit well-mannered (yeah guis im not joking here). ..  .if we ignore all his stupid pranks.. so you see, whenever i got rejected after dates with ouma in salmon mode.. it went like this for example “eeh, wow you are going to the libary with me and now you want to leave? that hella rude man, why am i wasting my time like this” or “wow you really must think highly of yourself if you think you are worth changing for, how arrogant”  which looks like he knows what is appropriate and what not

i remember what he said that and i suddenly went like “shit i cant believe im hearing this from you man” which was kinda funny as a side note btw

anyways, to his motive video. oh shit, his motive video . . . even without having known how messed up the translation was, that damaged me.-.. i mean i always thought that ouma exaggerated the size of his organization, at some poiint i just thought that his entire organization was a lie and his tru talent was the ultimate liar. which obsly wasnt the case lmao 

but his motive video.. just wanting to prank ppl for laughs and entertainment. its so light hearted compared to what he claimed it to be that it hurts another thing that i think is worth noting is that DICE was his motive video, not his family. DICE, who is like family. but not his actual family. what does that mean? does that mean that his actual family wasnt like family to ouma? i sure as hell thought so and i still do 

a different thing is that ouma said that nobody would care about him dying and that his organization would be better off without him, plus that it seems that monokuma said that ouma knows what happened to DICE in the motive video which leads me to.. uhh.. what if ouma did something he absolutely regretted doing (since it caused DICE trouble?) - but im not entire set on that theory

its also sad that he constantly had to hint about hiimself instead of just talking abt it to shuichi. like, he wanted shuichi to help him or actually even hinder him at carrying out his plan, he low key hoped for it because shuichi is a detective which showed to be shrewd enough to be able to make proper deductoins in class trials, furthermore he isnt a dick towards ouma and actually respects him in a way. something that ouma most likely didnt calculate

which mades the statement that shuichi said in the end of chapter 4 even more painful. shuichi was the only person that ouma kind of trusted and relied on. and prob the only one he wanted to show his true self to, that very person told him hes 5 ever alone with no friends at all. that hes a pathetic little brat who should start to view the world differently (def not what shuichi said 1:1 but.. yeah idk my own interpretation) 

im pretty sure that hurt ouma a lot 

hnnng, i truly wished for ouma to be one of the survivors. altho i figured that hes gonna plot something absolutely mind blowing in chapter 5, i seriously couldnt believe that he was actually dead... well, not until the closing argument. as soon as there were the words “closing argument” all over my screen i began to cry like an idiot. i couldnt even read properly man, thats just how blurry my vision was from all the tears

in other hand: i was (and still am lol) extremely attached to ouma and his death was very unsatisfying, since he died quite heroic but nobody considered him so. also he never made up with these ppl. also fuck kodaka

[remindersofgrace]

Reflection on the Decade

Recently, I was inspired by a blogpost by Justin Buzzard to take the time to reflect on and to share with others about my decade. After 4 hours of reading through old blog posts and scrolling through pictures, my heart is welling up with gratitude and awe at the ways that the Lord has been supremely faithful through the many seasons of my life. This post is a long one, but I hope these words can remind you that God is intimately involved in the details of your life’s narrative, and in His perfect wisdom, faithful love, and sovereign power, He takes every part of your story to show off His steadfast love.

2010: 

- I am a sophomore advisor for a hall of wonderful, rambunctious freshmen alongside Bethaney Herrington, and love it. 

- I lead VBS music at CBCM together with my sister during the summer and have an absolute blast. This year, the music is a western theme and the lyrics are so incredibly rich. I still remember all of the lyrics. 

- I travel with a group from Nurses Christian Fellowship to Kampala, Uganda as a vision trip to see what the Lord in doing amongst nurses in Uganda and to partner with organizations there like NewstART. I am floored by the believers in Uganda, whose faith is not flashy or eloquent, but strong, faithful, and committed wholeheartedly to their awesome Savior. 

-I start my first year of nursing school and for one of the first times in my life, am not able to quit something that I don’t feel immediately good at. I struggle with daily anxiety and self-condemnation, and the Lord uses it to reveal how much my hope was in my performance and success. 

- I find a home away from home at Veritas Church, and am frequently in the Slagle home. 

-Eden and I have one of our most stagnant years in our relationship in the midst of Eden working 100+ hour weeks with investment banking in NY, and me being too tired and self-absorbed to engage after trying days of nursing school. We are both struggling spiritually but not close enough to each other to realize how bad it is.

- My sister and I put on a in-home sushi night dinner for our dad and have a ton of fun dressing up as waitresses.

2011:

- I finish my first year of nursing school and start my second. I continue to struggle a lot in nursing school and struggle with what might have been a depression. 

- I become a leader at Emory Christian Fellowship and struggle a lot with fear of man and discouragement as the attendance is small and inconsistent. 

- I meet regularly with a wonderful, Spirit-filled, lover-of-the-Word woman named Skip McDonald who shepherds me in learning how to actually have a personal relationship with my Living Savior and is a vessel from the Lord to break down a lot of the legalistic ideologies I have been believing for so long. 

- I room with 3 amazing ladies named Mary, Kala, and Hannah. Our year is filled with lots of laughter, poorly done P90x videos, and dancing (some better than others). (BG02!!) 

- my family records our first ever 4-part Christmas carol together and it is an amazing and hilarious experience. 

-Eden moves to Los Angeles and finds a church home and a renewed faith at Reality LA, and he transforms into the godly man and spiritual leader that I want to marry. 

2012:

- I take my community health class and realize I have found my people. I find a mentor in Monica Donohue, a faithful woman of faith who leads my clinical rotation at a homeless shelter called Gateways. I find that my God-given yearnings and strengths lend itself to connecting compassionately with men and women who are on on the margins of society.

- I grow in my friendships with Bethaney, Kate, and Karen as we commit to lunch weekly together. We talk about everything under the sun and I am so blessed by their friendship. 

- I make the decision to move to Los Angeles after graduation to end the 3 years of long distance that Eden and I have walked through.

- I graduate from nursing school!

- I attend my first Christian Community Health Fellowship conference after much encouragement from Renee Lick and Skip McDonald, and uncharacteristically board multiple buses to get down to Tennessee. God answers so many prayers to meet the people I wanted to meet (including Dr. Katy White and Dr. Wayne Aoki), and I consider that it would be cool to volunteer at LA Christian Health Centers when I move to Los Angeles. 

- After many unanswered applications for jobs and much discouragement, God moves on my behalf. After emailing Isaac Voss from World Impact about working at their clinic, he informs he that they weren’t hiring but he could send my resume to Sharon Soper who worked at QueensCare Health and Faith Partnership, a small parish nursing organization. Out of God’s grace and a feeling that she had in her soul, she hires me even though I am a new graduate RN and I find my first job in Los Angeles. 

- I get the pleasure of living with the Les Mis ladies for a summer and see the power of Christian love in a home with some of the most godly and loving ladies I have ever met. I am bunk mates with Steph Denzer and begin a friendship with her. 

- God is gracious to basically hand me some amazing community on a silver platter because of the relationships that Eden already has. I love this Westwood community group and am blessed by the maturity of faith, the commitment to friendship, and the pursuit of prayer in this community of believers. 

- I love many aspects of my new job but struggle for months with feelings of inadequacy as a nurse without much support nearby. I learn a lot and make some incredible friendships with nurses like Brenda Cox and community health workers like Vanessa and Karina. 

- Eden gives me the proposal of the century on our 4th anniversary of dating, with my family flying out for the event, a meal prepared by me and Eden’s mothers, our close friends the Weiner’s waiting tables for us, and our church community swarming us at the end of the night. I skype with my closest Maryland girlfriends, cry reading the letters that people have prepared for me, and watch my future husband perform a song he wrote. It is one of the best nights of my life to date. 

- I become roommates with Meghan Prince, and suite mates with Allegra and Claire. It is a wonderful arrangement and I really come to cherish those friendships. 

2013:

- The wonderful and talented Megan Prince agrees to help me plan my wedding and we spend many delirious nights together. Krissy Bengtson designs some of the most beautiful invitations and artwork for my wedding.

- After a really difficult few months of feeling like I didn’t have what my patients needed, and feeling the need to grow my foundation of nursing knowledge, my nurse manager Sharon and I mutually agree that it would be best for me to leave my job at QueensCare Health and Faith Partnership and be part of a new graduate RN program in a hospital. I leave on good terms and am grateful to have learned so much from these amazing women. 

- I spend a few months unemployed before my wedding, which is humbling but also very freeing to focus on wedding planning. I apply for new grad RN programs without any response. And in another divine act of grace, Eden meets a new friend named Paul Song who is a prominent radiation oncologist, who has a relative who works on the oncology floor of Saint John’s Health Center. He sends my resume to Helen Blohm who sends it to Janice Frost, the oncology director. She brings me in for an interview for a CNA position but graciously allows me to interview for the new graduate RN position a few days afterwards. By God’s grace, she gives me the job! Because my honeymoon is during that cohort’s orientation period, I work for 6 months as a CNA before the next RN cohort and love serving my patients in a tangible (but low-pressure) way. 

- Eden and I have the wedding we have always hoped for, with a powerful sermon about Hosea and Gomer by Dave Slagle, a surprise flash mob dance planned by Meghan and Michaela, amazing friends that all pitched in sacrificial service, and our favorite people all in one place. It becomes my new favorite day of my life.

- We move into a condo in Culver City and begin our life together. Our first year is a sweet one filled with a lot of laughing and figuring things out. 

2014:

- I travel to Taiwan for the first time with Eden’s family and meet Eden’s uncle and grandma. 

- I start working as a new grad RN on the night shift, and have an interesting life sleeping from 9am - 4pm and spending time with Eden at 8am as I eat dinner and he eats breakfast. I thankfully sleep like a rock and it’s actually quite bearable. I learn a lot from the experienced nurses on my shift, and enjoy the sarcastic humor of my coworkers. I still struggle a lot with fear and feelings of inadequacy but it get a little easier as time passes. 

- we move into our home in South LA (you can read more about that here: https://bywayofreminder.tumblr.com/post/123100658544/its-not-safe-but-it-is-good) at the end of the year. 

2015:

- We go on a cruise to the Mediterranean with some amazing new friends and get to experience some breathtaking cities. 

- We officially part ways with our Reality LA family to pursue more intentional community with people in our neighborhood. We join a church plant called Cornerstone South LA and get to know a few families that have already made Crenshaw their home for a few years now. We get to participate in the kids camp they host every year called Love LA and get to see 80+ kids from the neighborhood get involved. 

- I struggle more profoundly with feeling like a failure this year but God gently reminds me of the sufficiency that Christ gives. 

2016:

- I start the year switching to day shift and although the daytime wake-sleep rhythm is improved, it stretches me with the amount of tasks and coordination that have to take place with my patients every day. Isaiah 41:10 is my mantra these days. 

- In the May of this year, I went to another Christian Community Health Fellowship conference and had a renewed sense of calling to community health and working with the underserved. I loved my oncology job in Santa Monica and it was a wonderful place to work, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there were lines of people who would love to work in that hospital, and a much smaller pool of RN’s that would want to work in a clinic amongst the underserved. I tell my boss my thoughts and she is so gracious in her response to me. I start applying for community health jobs but nothing turns up for a few weeks. Then I get a phone call from my friend Debbie Waltman who is the director of nursing at LA Christian Health Centers, and they have an urgent need for a temporary RN to staff their Joshua House clinic in Skid Row. Though there isn’t a promise of permanent work after those 4 months, I felt an assurance that I should say yes, and quit my job at Saint John’s (with much kindness and blessing from my amazing coworkers) and began being the clinic nurse at Joshua House. (You can read more about this here) 

- We visit New Zealand with Fishermen Labs, and our marriage is tried as we drove from the bottom of the country to the top in a green Judy camper van. The country was breathtaking, the camper was not.

- I started learning calligraphy from a little handout from The Postman’s Knock. It isn’t pretty, but it’s something! 

- We start going to a church plant in the Crenshaw/Baldwin Hills area called Epiphany LA. We are refreshed by Pastor Tommy’s heart for discipleship and his passion for the hearts of people in his neighborhood, and grow to love this motley group of authentic believers seeking to lift up Jesus in the city.

2017:

- By God’s grace, I am given a permanent job as the second clinic RN at Joshua House and really enjoy my work there, with freedom to pray for patients and have heart-to-hearts with my patients as the Lord leads. 

- In September, I start in a new position of being the Charge RN for my department, a role that I didn’t feel ready for at the time but I’m glad that I agreed to. I realize that I actually love mentoring and shepherding the hearts of my nursing staff, and learn (often with growing pains) more about how to stay organized and have bigger picture vision. I am mentored by Shannon Fernando and am so encouraged by her sacrificial drive and passion for our staff and our patients. I am blessed by our weekly meetings and her prayers are powerful for the growth of my heart and mind that year. 

- Eden and I visit Yosemite and it becomes one of my new favorite places. 

- We go to Tokyo with Fishermen Labs and get to see Will and Chihiro get married! 

- We get to witness the beautiful weddings of Jackie & Charles, Sandy & Eric, and Stephany & Ricky

- Eden turns 30! 

2018:

- In February, I find out I am pregnant over FaceTime with Eden. I have an incredibly easy pregnancy until 13 weeks, when our world turns upside down with the news that our baby might not be viable and has an inexplicable sac of fluid in his or her pelvis. We are so blessed in those months with the love of our communities and the peace of our present God as we anticipate our little one’s birth. (You can read more about it here) 

- We visit Vancouver during our baby moon. 

- We get to visit Joanna and Dennis in San Francisco, and the Lord uses that friendship mightily in my life this year and the following one. 

- We get to see Shannon & Joe get hitched, as well as Jeff & Christy! 

- We meet our daughter Talitha Cumi Chen on 9/1/18. (More here)

 

- We are blessed with the love of our parents as they spend a month with us, helping my body to heal and keeping things afloat in the midst of a lot of chaos 

- I struggle immensely during the first 2 months of motherhood, unprepared for how emotionally, mentally, and physically tasking is the journey of learning to nurse and pump and just stay afloat. I often feel like Talitha is not connected to me and wonder if I’m cut out for this motherhood thing. 

2019:

- I transition to being a stay-at-home mom and working at my clinic once a week - mostly loving it but also struggling oftentimes with loneliness and a sense of meaning 

- Talitha has her 12-hour-long reconstructive surgery to correct her cloaca, and we experience such tangible otherworldly peace from God and overwhelming love from our tribe that fortified my faith in the Living God, our Refuge and Strength in times of trouble

- I see old friendships reignited as we walked through the furnace of suffering together

- I am part of a mom’s Bible study through Philippians and Romans 8 that teaches me about steadfast joy and my unshakeable identity in Christ

- We experience the blessing of health care practitioners who are excellent in their care, especially our surgical team and urologist who profoundly changed the trajectory of Talitha’s life for the better

- We learn how to catheterize Talitha’s bladder, with tears shed the first week but now it’s so easy it feels second nature

- Talitha has surgery to close her colostomy, and finally experiences life without any drains or bags attached to her 

- Talitha has her first poopy diaper ever and we take pictures of it while hootin’ and hollerin’

- We are cared for so well by my parents and in-laws who fly in for every surgery and take care of us and our home so that we can focus on helping Talitha recover

- I grow in deeper and invaluable friendship with 2 ladies from my church who are so beautifully different than me, learning how powerful it is to be known, accepted, and challenged with love. 

- I experiment with creating rhythms in my week so that my schedule can reflect what I say my priorities are

- I am able to leave Tali and LA for a week to fly and see my sister in Hong Kong to spend some sweet time together (thanks to my faithful hubby, Mama, and my dad who filled in the gaps while I was gone)

- Eden and I celebrate 6 years of marriage in San Diego

- We fly twice to Maryland and get to see Talitha meet her grandmas on both sides

- We celebrate Talitha turning 1 years old in Los Angeles with over 60 friends in our backyard

- We visit Banff and Kauai (traveling with a baby is a beast, ya’ll.) 

- I join a gym in my neighborhood called Thrive Health Labs with a recommendation from Jackie Hu and actually find myself enjoying going to 6am workout classes (focused on lifting weights, if you can believe that!) 

- We try out an Asian nanny from myasiannanny.com (and it does not work out)

- We hire my awesome friend Hya to help out with Tali and the house twice a week (and it has been life-changing)

- We almost finish our foster certification process (for the second time) but decide to withdraw from the process until we try to have another biological child first. We were advised to wait to finish certification until we are completely ready to open our home to a child in foster care right away. We are a little disappointed to put this off for a little while, but hope to reinstate our application in a couple years. 

It’s been such a faith-building exercise to recount all the deeds of the Lord. How faithful God has been through every season. The themes of His sufficiency over my insufficiency abound, and it’s something that I return to every year because my heart is so forgetful. I want to close with a hymn that I rediscovered while reading all my old blog posts that sums up this decade:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater;

He sendeth more grace when the labours increase;

To added afflictions he addeth his mercy,

To multiplied trials, his multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, his grace has no measure

His power has no boundary known unto men;

For out of his infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

-Annie Johnson Flint, "He Giveth More Grace,”

[bpd-black]

hey guys, so this is gonna be a long ass post, but here’s the tldr version: i love you and i hope you continue to learn about yourselves, and advocate for your mental wellbeing cause y'all are literally so beautiful and important and an integral part of our universe, the world literally wouldn’t be the same without you ✊🏾💕

SO, i just wanted to let y'all know that if you’ve ever messaged me (and this is for my black followers, btw, the rest of y'all … i don’t know why tf you’re here, but none of this is for you so ✌🏾bye, you can leave lol) please please know that i almost always read whatever’s in my inbox right away, and that i do care about your questions and what you have to say, even when i don’t answer right away or at all. you guys reaching out to me is NEVER bothersome. NEVER dumb. NEVER ridiculous. and tbh, it’s always flattering to think anyone would come to me w/ mental health concerns, considering that this blog literally started as a place for me to just vent out into the void & that i used to block anyone that followed me, lol.

(i jus didn’t want people to follow my blog ??? idk, i just felt like i had no other outlet to scream, and i was in a really bad place back then, idek, it made sense at the time. anyway, NOW this blog is a place for me to store information, affirmations and links to resources that i find informative or helpful. and i actually really love getting feedback (cough and validation cough) from you guys 💖 so pls, just know that you mean a lot to me.)

THE THING IS, though: i’m still not a professional. and when it comes to something as serious as mental health (especially in the black community) i just feel like i still have too much learning to do and too much healing to do before i’m qualified to offer any real advice. rn, all i have to say to most of y'all is ‘damn, thas unfortunate, me too’ and i really don’t want to give anyone a half assed answer like that, lol. it might take me a while to research what you wanna know, so yeah. bls be patient with me.

also i kinda wanted to introduce myself, since i don’t think i’ve ever posted an intro on this blog lol:

in summary, i’m a twenty one year old black girl, gay as hell, still living at home, still unemployed, still on leave from college, and still struggling just to shower and get out of bed every day :)) which sucks and i hate my life rn and i battle with like, intense self hatred cause a lot of my family is very disappointed in me and, quite frankly, i’m very disappointed with myself.

moving on, lol, more about my mental state: i’ve only ever been professionally diagnosed with depression and gad, though i personally believe i experience too many bpd symptoms to rule out the possibility that i am, in fact, borderline, and so i consider myself as such.

(( a small rant about that real quick: imo, and tbh, labels are just terms that researchers make up to help organize studies, keep track of patterns, and come up with plans and solutions to help large groups of people. so, basically, i am a strong advocate of NOT beating yourself up too much when it comes to finding the ‘right’ label for you and NOT attacking someone else that you don’t think ‘fits’ the description for a disorder or illness according to your research. like, yeah, fake ass neurotypicals are annoying as hell and they can all choke but ! the only person who really knows what’s going on in someone’s brain is that person themselves. and NO ONE owes you a dissertation on their mental struggles just to ‘prove’ they’re in pain. so, imo !!! it’s just a lot more important to recognize and identify what SYMPTOMS you struggle with, and the severity of said symptoms, and worry about umbrella terms later !! cause that insight will make it easier to look for help and advice and !! mental illness and personality disorders are all on a spectrum. so yeah. go easy on yourselves 💕 anyway, i struggled a lot with that concept, and for far too long, SO just wanted to get that out of the way before i continue (hope that made any sense) but i digress!!! ))

i also struggle with both intrusive and suicidal thoughts, a few minor self destructive habits, and i’m currently taking medication for my depression and anxiety. and tbh, though i still have some pretty terrible days, i will say the meds have helped a LOT. and i’m so glad, cause i’m the first in my family to openly take medication for a mental illness (stigma stigma god fucking stigma) and i was so so scared the meds would just make it worse, but they didn’t, so yeah :)

also, and this is a bit personal (but i’m willing to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, if it’ll help anyone at all) but, i planned on killing myself last year. it didn’t happen (evidently lol) but i ended up staying at the hospital for a week and then participating in a two week partial program after that. i’m currently looking for a new partial program or support group that i can join, and i’m trying to get a job and get back to school.

also, i have been seeing a therapist since my senior year of high school (which !!is a bit of a wild tale tbh, but long story short, my parents literally refused to believe mental illness was a real thing for the longest time. and it wasn’t until i told them i literally wouldn’t graduate high school if i didn’t get some help that they believed me.) my first two therapists were awful racist white women (still fuckin hate them btw) but my third therapist was a really cool white woman who actually introduced me to my current therapist who is this really amazing black woman and so far, i feel like she’s been the best fit for me. but i’ve very recently had to put my therapy sessions on pause cause i’m poor as hell and couldn’t pay for them anymore, so yeah. and, tbh, that’s really been stressing me the fuck out as of late, but what i’m trying to do is make the most of whatever other resources are available to me (helplines, textlines, self care strategies, forums, blogs, google, etc.) and i still have a social worker so idk, i should be okay 👌🏾

anyway, that was a lot of oversharing but, now you all know where i am atm ;) and i only share this with you guys cause a lot of asks i receive are about feeling like shit for not knowing what pd you have, or about being too poor to afford good health care, or not knowing how to convince your conservative ass black parents that you’re dying and need help and like !!! all of those topics are so so important to me on a very personal level !!! and i wanna help y'all so bad. but tbqh, i’m still trying to figure this shit out myself 😕 so, what i’m hoping is, just by letting you know more about my experience and being as honest as i can about it, at least one of you readin this might feel a little less lonely dealing with your pain. idk.

anyway, second to last thing: fr tho, i hope y'all know that it is both a rare, and amazing trait to be as insightful as so many of you are. even just trying to figure out ‘god, what is wrong with me’ and taking the time to do the research, is self care. it’s defiance. it’s acknowledging that a better life is possible, and it’s straight up refusing to settle for the pain you’re in now, for a life less fulfilling than what you know you deserve. i feel like the generations before us didn’t do that enough (with good reason, tbh, even today it’s still hard to know who we can trust) but it’s high time black people start healing our minds and our hearts. so power to you ✊🏾

and yeah. that’s all i wanted to say this morning. i’ve been wanting to say all that for a while, but wasn’t sure where the hell to start. i just hope that was all coherent and made sense, lol. don’t ever hesitate to message me guys. i may be an emotional wreck that takes too long to reply, but i do love you. lol.

and please please please continue to research things on your own as well, like. keep up with the latest studies, the TED talks, the blavity articles, the mental health blogs etc. etc. learn as much as you can about how to take the best care of you, even if my executively dysfunctional ass can’t help right away lol.

also !! (last thing, i promise) a quick update about this blog: i edited it a bit, namely my tagging system, to make it a bit more useful. i won’t go through all my tags here (maybe i’ll add an about page and a tag page later) but, for example, there’s my new affirmations tag (full of helpful reminders that i like to think about everyday) my positivity tag (just, yk, positive shit that makes think positive thoughts) and my black tag (whatever content i feel like pertains to just my fellow black + mentally ill peeps, cause lbr a lot of our struggles only happen at the intersection of both identities) 💕

i also have a music tag for music recommendations!! cause i like to believe music is very healing all on its own ;)

AAAAND that’s it lol 😘 stay safe out there guys !! this world is wild but, tbh, we know better than anyone what it means to make the very most out of our lives no matter what. happy black history month 🖤

[princettegil]

I'm feeling like poop rn so I'mma ramble a bit