#I am not serious because my friend is taking me to IKEA tomorrow which is almost in the same league

[charlyritter]

what’s the point of friends if they’re not gonna do this with you

[dxlansfxck]

Summary: Grayson just finished his speaker table and all you could think of was him fucking you right into it. But he wanted to share it with the world first, so you head over to Ethan for your annual movie night. But as soon as Grayson finds out about a specific Snap, the tables turned.

~~~

“Ethan, Y/N! C’mon, you can look now, it’s finished!”, Graysons deep voice was heard from outside, he kept you waiting long enough for it, hasn’t even allowed Ethan to take a look at his new table he built on his own. Ethan just rolled his eyes at his excited brother.  “I’m glad this is over, I thought I had to live with Bob the Builder for forever”, he giggled before standing up. “Now c’mon, don’t let the constructor himself wait.” You kept laughing until you’ve reached your boyfriend which stood proudly in front of a pretty nice table. “Look! I did this myself! I fucking built something with my own hands!” Grayson squeals while jumping up and down. “Babe, take a pic, please. I want to share this awesome piece of furniture. No, I don’t want to, I need to share it!”

He starts to pose like he hasn’t done anything different in his life and you can’t help but admire his features, his broad shoulders and chest, the fucking veins on his arms that made you week by just looking at them, his serious face that you just want to sit on and the thick thighs you love to ride. 

“And done.” You smile while showing him the pictures and help him decide which one to choose for his Instagram. “Oh, wait! Wait! I need to make a Snapchat tour on this, I want everyone to really see it, y’know?” Grayson fishes his phone out of his pants and opens the App, while you and Ethan get out of the room again, kind of annoyed by his behavior.

“He’s just happy, Y/N. Don’t be mad, he’ll show it to you after his community. You know how he is, fans come first”, he sighs, but not as annoyed as you thought he would be. “I know, I just… y’know, I got kinda… aroused when I saw him besides this table”, your cheeks flushed while your eyes scanned the floor to avoid any eye contact with your best friend. Ethan just laughs it off. “You got what? I mean, I built my own wardrobe, does this make me attractive too?” You just rolled your eyes. “E, the wardrobe was from IKEA and had literally ten pieces to screw together. But Gray, he took so much effort in his hands to get all the pieces and…”,”Ew, Y/N stop dripping on the couch. Calm down, Bob the Builder can still fuck you later on. Play one of your games, let him wait and tease him. He’ll be pinning you into your mattress in no matter of time. Now c’mon, put on some nice underwear and we’ll start movie night a bit earlier today!”

You did as he told you, took a shower, even shaved your legs and private parts, put on your best smelling lotion, your favorite pair of mint green lingerie and a pair of cheeky pajamas over it before braiding your hair into two thick braids. You didn’t apply make-up, of course not. It was your house as well, you’ve known the boys over ten years and even before starting to wear make-up at all.

“E, I’m ready! Put Moana on, I’ll prepare the snacks!” You walked in front of Grayson’s and your room, still hearing him rambling about his table. “An then I ordered this piece of wood, but I had to cut it down to the right size and..” You just shook your head before heading down to the kitchen, preparing popcorn and some apples with peanut butter for the health addict Ethan. For yourself, you popped some cookies in the microwave to get them extra soft and the chocolate to melt. “What do you want to drink? Water or anything else?” “Uh, I guess I’ll have some La Croix, do we have any left?” You rolled your eyes, but packed 3 cans of the soda underneath your arms, before trying to grab all the snacks without having to walk twice.

“Okay, here I am, let’s start the legendary Dolan & Y/L/N Disney Movie night!”, you popped down next to Ethan, handing him the La Croix before stretching your legs out on his lap. Soon, the wonderful soundtrack to your favorite movie fills your eyes and when you started your solo on ‘How far I’ll go’, Grayson was still in his room. Even after meeting Maui, Gray wasn’t there. The movie came to an end – of course you cried, like you always did, and Ethan had to comfort you with some cuddles – and you decided to put on the next one. This time, Ethan chose his favorite one, The Jungle Book. Your cookies and the popcorn were long gone, even your water bottle was empty to this point. “E, your turn to get new ones”, you softly kicked him in the stomach while trying to get him grab new snacks. “I can’t watch a movie without snacks, y’know that, bub.” You tried your best to pout, but he just laughed. “Fine, fine. But please don’t do this ever again, you look so funny.”

While Ethan prepared whatever kind of snacks he thought were healthy enough for a movie night, you laid down onto your stomach to check Grayson’s Snapchat. You clicked through his ‘tour’, not really watching any of it since you wanted to see it in real life first. Then, an Instagram notification popped up which made you click on it. ‘graysondolan just went live!’

“… and when I built it, I got to be honest, it kind of hurt my hands. I think I’ll have blisters by tomorrow, but it was so worth it. You should check out my Snapchat for a perfect tour of it. Well, I chose this brown toned wood because I thought it would perfectly match the speakers and I just put some vinyls on top, I know I don’t have enough to fill it all up yet, but…”, you sighed and closed the app as soon as Ethan came back. He started the movie and you kept cuddling into him, letting him scratch your back and massage your scalp. “Imma take a snap of this, maybe he’ll see what he’s missing.” You quickly shot a picture of the TV with the snacks and your tangled legs before captioning it ‘Dolan & Y/L/N Disney time with my best friend!’.

You watched the movie in complete silence, munching on the snacks and trying to forget about your boyfriend upstairs. As soon as the movie comes to an end, you stand up, even angrier than before, and start to clean up the mess you both made. “Alright, E, it’s enough. I don’t want to wait 4 hours for him to get ready. What the hell is he doing up there, masturbating to his fucking table? I can’t believe it. I can’t remember the last time I was so angry at him.” You stomped your feet on the ground, trying not to cry out in frustration. Ethan eyes you silently. “Calm down, Y/N. You’re just horny. I mean, I can totally understand you, even I am kinda pissed, ‘cause I haven’t seen the table yet as well.” He scratches the back of his head, not quite sure what to say, as he eyes your entire body. You wore one of Grayson’s shirts, of course, but had it tied in a knot just above your belly button. Your pants were those kinds of velvety shorts you could find all over the stores, that made your butt look really nice.

Even though he knew you were Grayson’s and he would never make a move on you, you were his best friend for gods sake, but you looked gorgeous and his brother seemed to miss a big thing.

“Let’s make him jealous”, you suggest, starring Ethan dead in the eye. “I already tried to with the snap, but he hasn’t even seen it by now. Maybe if you post one, your fans will show it to Gray and…” ”Y/N, do you listen to what you’re saying? He’s my brother and you’re my best friend. I don’t want to be the reason for a big fight, y’know. I don’t think we should do that. I mean, how the fuck could we make him jealous? I will never kiss you. Not that I wouldn’t like to, but y’know.” He laughed slightly uncomfortable, scratching the back of his head while looking at you. “You could massage my back like you often do, but this time film it and post it on your story. Maybe we’ll scrunch my shirt up so they can get a glimpse of my bra, Ethan, I don’t even know, I have never done something like this. But he pisses me off so much.” “Okay, fine. Just this time, okay? I don’t want anybody to think I’m the one that steals his twin’s girlfriend. Let’s get upstairs and lay down on my bead, I’ll get some stuff for movie number 3.” Of course, you were kinda surprised by his answer but started to run upstairs to switch into a cuter top that fit your shorts, it was a dark blue halter top, made from this velvety fabric and made your boobs look bigger than they usually were, caused by the push up bra you still wore underneath. One last check on your phone still showed that Gray was live on Instagram, huffing you closed the app and went straight to Ethan’s room. He put on the dark red color of his bed light, lit some candles and laid out some chocolate on the bed. “Lay down there, at least I want to look romantic.” He suggested while opening Titanic on Netflix. You were still nervous, haven’t done anything like that with Ethan, but you weren’t uncomfortable with him. You laid down on your stomach between the chocolate and huffed at the feeling of your boobs being squeezed on the matrass. “Hurry, E. This is not comfy at all.” You pushed your top upwards, revealing your back completely until the beginning of your bra. Ethan started to play the movie, sat down on your butt and started to actually massage you. “Relax, Y/N. I won’t fake something like this, if I’m doing it, I’m doing it right”, his warm hands massage something onto your back that smelled beautifully like roses. “Mhh, E, why are you good at this? What have I missed?”, you closed your eyes in satisfaction, trying not to moan out his name. It was difficult to not show any reactions, while those large hands kneaded your back. “I don’t know, maybe because Gray gets injured so much after lifting weights and before he had you, I had to massage his sore muscles”, he smirked as he pressed down onto a point between your shoulder blades. “Oh fuck, Ethan!”, you screamed out, instantly feeling the pain as he pressed onto your muscles. He laughed it off, trying to soothe the muscle while still rubbing gently over it. “Let loose, babygirl”, he mumbled but seemed to regret it directly. You almost moaned again at the nickname that Grayson usually gives you while pounding into you. “I.. Uh.. I mean…”, Ethan stumbles, trying to get off of you. “It’s okay, E. Don’t worry, I guess. Let’s just take the picture so we can lay down and cuddle, yeah?” He nodded, quickly grabbed his phone and filmed a short section of his left hand still massaging your back – your quiet purrs definitely noticeable. But what was most noticeable was the outline of his boner at the end of the video, that he didn’t see while posting it with a ‘wellness day with my bestie’.

Grayson on the other hand of course saw it – after he read so many massages in his live stream about it. He laughed it off in front of the camera, telling them it must be some kind of shadow, but he was fuming. Not only fuming, his body felt like he was on fire. He quickly ended the livestream, before preparing the room for whatever he’ll do to you soon. Without even trying to cool down before the confrontation, he screamed out for both of you while running over to his twin’s room. When he opened the door, he saw both of you cuddling, your head resting on Ethan’s lap, his fingers tangled into your hair and gently massaging your scalp while your nails lightly scratch the top of his thigh. What Grayson didn’t see were the tear stains on your face, the stuffed nose and the worried look on Ethan’s face as he saw his brother bursting in. Titanic was still on, but neither of you watched it really. Ethan was trying to calm you down, you were starring against the wall and Grayson just stood there and took the scene in. “What. The. Fuck. Is. Happening. Here”, he brought out, still fighting not to lose it. Your eyes wander up to meet Grayson’s beautiful face, but you didn’t want to see him. You didn’t want to feel the pain – and the thought that he chose social media over you. Sure, it was his job, but it was also just a fucking stupid table. You turned around to Ethan, your face buried in the crook of his neck, trying not to start crying again.

“Bro, you should leave her alone”, Ethan mumbles as he rubs your back, trying to comfort you. “Bullshit, that’s my girlfriend that you want to fuck! Why the fuck are you even in your bed instead of the couch in the living room? Why is she wearing THAT. Y/N you’re behaving like a slut, y’know that?” Grayson breaks out, screaming at the both of you as he takes a few large steps before standing right next to the bed. “And you call yourself a brother, wow, Ethan. Nice job. Now, let her go or I’ll get really angry. I said, let her fucking go!”, his fists clenched around nothing, he was really fighting it back, but as soon as you snuggled deeper into Ethan’s chest, silent sobs leaving your lips, he couldn’t hold it anymore. One of his fists swung right into Ethan’s face, bursting his lip and leaving 1you with a horrific scream.

“GRAYSON! What are you thinking you’re doing? You’re acting up.” Just in this moment, Ethan jumped up and directly onto his younger brother, swinging one fist after another. “She was crying because of you, dumbass. She was waiting for you, dressed up like this, but you never checked up on her! I had to calm her down for hours, I don’t want to fuck her, I want to be THERE for her, like you didn’t. She was crying because she wanted you to fuck her. Dude, you’re so stupid”, he stood up, trying to stop his lip from bleeding. Now it was your turn to stand up, grabbing Grayson by the hem of his shirt and dragging him over to your room. “You. Are. Such. A. Psychopath! I don’t know what to say, Gray. First of all, you hurt me. Psychically. Then you hit your own brother? That’s weak. And third, you were streaming for fucking 4 hours, that’s something you’ve never done. You chose them over me, while I was being all dressed up for you”, you threw your top over your head directly into his face, “I even dressed up for you, put on some nice underwear, but all you did was talking to THEM”, your shorts followed soon after. “I would never want to fuck Ethan, you know that. He wouldn’t dare to touch me. But I was about to touch myself as soon as I saw you next to this table, because you looked so fucking hot next to it. I wanted you to destroy me on it. Wanted you to cum all over it. But right now”, you shoved him down onto the sofa in front of the bed, “you’ll have to watch and wait. I’m doing what you couldn’t”, you’re walking up in front of his table, putting your favorite The 1975 vinyl on before laying down onto the bed, admiring your lingerie. You knew mint green was Grayson’s favorite color on your pale skin, he loved the lace on the thong disappearing between your peachy butt cheeks. The little bow at the hem in the back, the only thing that was seen above your ass. The bra was something different, it pushed your breasts to maximum without looking fake.

Your fingers wander on top of the cups, dipping in here and there, but never actually showing off your boobs. You looked your boyfriend dead in the eye while sucking on your thumb, teasing the skin of your stomach with the other hand. “I was so horny for you, babe. As I took those pictures of you, I wanted nothing more than your big hands around my throat and your thick thigh under my pussy. But all I have now are my tiny little fingers because you didn’t want to give me what I needed”, you pouted at him while slipping your hand into your thong, directly playing with your swollen clit. “Oh.” You closed your eyes at the feeling, sucking even harder on your thumb and rubbing fast circles in your panties. “Stop that show, Y/N”, Grayson stood up, eyeing you with dark eyes, the boner in his jeans very prominent. “No-uh, babe. Sit back down, I don’t want you right now, I can make myself feel so go-oooh”, you entered to fingers inside your aching pussy. You don’t want to tease him anymore, you just want to cum over and over again.

“There’s no way I’m just sitting here!” Grayson basically ripped your hand out of your panties, while throwing you over his shoulder. “You wanted me to fuck you on the table?” You nod without any hesitation, totally in for whatever he had up in his kinky mind. “You really want me to come all over it?” “Yes, Daddy. Want to make you feel so, so good.” He hums in agreement before playing you next to the record player, moving it aside before breaking anything. “Well, babygirl. Today’s your lucky day. I’ll come. You won’t because you behaved like a little slut and tried to make me jealous with my own twin brother. Tz, I don’t like to say it but I’m quite disappointed in you”, he shook his head as he watched you all spread out in front of him. Still wearing your lingerie, legs wide open and mouth hang open. Your face was red, still a bit stained by all of the tears you lost today, but he didn’t mind. At the end of the night, you’ll be crying and begging for more.

Grayson didn’t even bother to remove his shirt, he went straight for his belt, pulling it out of his jeans and watching you with a cocky grin before letting the leather slap against your inner thigh. “So, so disappointed”, slap after slap, thighs, stomach and even one on top of your bra. “Gray, please!” You screamed out, not quite sure whether it was because of the pain or the pleasure the pain gave you.

“Please what? Please fuck you? Please eat you out like the nice little girl you were? Do you really think I’m going to reward you? You were a whore, babe. Whores only get to pleasure whoever owns them – and we both know it’s not Ethan who owns you”, he shook his head while watching the leather prints turning darker any second. “I’m all yours, Daddy. Please, love me again! Please, please, please. I’ll be nice.” You looked at him as innocent as you could, you didn’t even want to fight for dominance, as soon as you were in the bedroom, Grayson would never let anyone be the dom.

“Would you just shut up, yeah? Use your dirty mouth to suck me off, would you? Oh, why am I even asking you”, he chuckled to himself while yanking down his pants and literally dragging you off the table. One hand around your throat, the other around your braids, he fed you his aching cock, making you gag on in several times but you had no choice – you actually loved it. Loved the tears burning in your eyes, loved the rough carpet underneath your knees and you loved the hateful gaze Grayson gave you. A grin formed on your lips as you let his dick fall out of your mouth and began spitting on it. “’m not hungry”, you brought out before the grip around your throat was actually so tight that it cut off any air. You both never went this far and it should probably scare you, but you’ve never been that wet in your life. Your juices were leaking through your thong, your scent filled the air.

Grayson held you up against the wall, your toes weren’t even touching the ground and all he touched was your fucking throat. You know you haven’t had much air left in your lungs, but you trusted Grayson. As soon as you saw his worried look for a short glimpse you just nodded it off, giving him a securing smile. He quickly pecked your lips, showing he wasn’t actually that angry and for sure didn’t hate you, before spitting directly onto your face. “You like that, slut? Do you think I’d like you to spit on my cock?” You shook your head no, not knowing what he was about to do. You got dizzy, grasping for air, as Grayson let you sink to the floor. “Now, try again. Better be good this time, princess”, he didn’t give you much time to fill your lungs up with air again, before choking you with his dick once again. You really did your best, trying to give him the best blowjob he’s ever had, but he pulled away too soon for your liking. Then, he threw you back onto the table while ending himself off, spurting his come all over you and his favorite piece of furniture. You tried to catch some of it with your tongue, but most of it landed right onto your stomach. Humming, you scooped it up with your finger before licking it clean. “So delicious, Daddy”, you smiled up at him, but his face was still not relaxed at all.

“Shut up. I don’t know what to do with you. I want to taste this delicious pussy, but I also want to fill it up and watch my cum drip out of you, what do you think?” “Mhh, both, Daddy. Need your tongue first.” Your hands cupped your still clothed tits, not sure if you were allowed to take it off yet. “Don’t want to destroy my favorite set of panties”, he said as he carefully slid it down your legs before spreading them once more. “You smell so good, so delicious, so sweet. But you weren’t a sweet girl today, princess”, he shook his head before giving your clit a single flick with his tongue. It felt like electricity jolted through your entire body, even though Grayson didn’t really do anything. He repeats the almost gentle gesture, moving his tongue back and forth, his nose almost disappearing inside your delicious folds. He loved eating you out, he ate you like it was his last meal, almost drowning in your juices, letting them soak his entire face. Once his tongue hit your desperate hole, you screamed out, ankles behind his head to press him further into you. His nose touched your clit, while his tongue was buried deep inside you, almost slurping up whatever you gave him. He quiets your next scream with his fingers, slipping two of them down your throat, chuckling at you gagging on them. You weren’t about to tell him that you were dangerously close, but of course he knew. He knew your body even better than his own, he had many years to study it and by now, he was perfect at it. All that was left of him were his fingers inside you. You mewled at him, still sucking on those long digits, trying to rub your legs together but he held your thighs wide open for him to see your pussy clenching around nothing. He pulled his fingers out of your mouth and watched you with a devilish grin, before massaging your butthole with one of them, slicking it up with your spit and juices before sliding his middle finger directly into it. “Gray!”, you moaned, closing around his finger, not being distracted by the finger in your asshole, you were both into anal, it was nothing new to you, but usually he’d prepare you to what was happening.

You were about to rub your clit again as he began to move his finger, even trying to fit another one in there as well. “Open up for me, baby”, he cooed while dragging your bra down your breasts, playing with your pierced nipples and finally the pink ring of muscles allowed him to slip is ring finger in.

You looked up at his face, not quite sure how god could ever create such an angelic person with such a dirty mind. His jaw was clenched as he watched your asshole taking his fingers so well. His cock was rock hard again, ready to destroy whatever hole was next on his list. “Gray, please. Fuck me, I don’t care where, but I need you somewhere”, you whined as you pressed down on his fingers, lifting your hips against his face. He laughed, poking his tongue against your clit once more, while adding two fingers of his other hand into your aching pussy. “Fuck!” You screamed out once again, literally shaking on this fucking table. But as close as you were, he wouldn’t let you come again, removing both hands and his tongue from your body.

“Feels bad, huh?” He made fun of you, laughed you right in the face while watching his cum stain the table. “This will be hard to clean up, I think you should lick it off the table.” You raised your eyebrows at him, but he just pointed to the mess his cum made next to you. “Lick it off”, he demanded again. You couldn’t do anything but nod while turning around, your ass now facing him, and start to lick his cum off the wood. He grunts in appreciation before grabbing your hips, spitting onto your asshole and sliding his slick cock into it. “Such a good girl, babe, take it all. Fuck, you’re so tight”, his eyes closed while he clenched his jaw. Once he bottomed out, he starts to move, rubbing small circles on your clit to give you what you needed. “Feels good, princess?” “Yes, Daddy, thank you”, you moaned, desperate for an orgasm. “May I come now? Please? I’ve been so, so good to you.”

“Mh, I think you’ve earned it. You can come once this side of the vinyl is finished”, he grinned while still pounding into your tight ass. She lays down, was currently playing and to your luck, you knew that it was the last song. You could come after the next two minutes or so, which gave you another boost of energy. The song was way too slow to fuck you in the right rhythm, Grayson pounded relentlessly into you, not caring which track was on by now. “You’re the death of me, Y/N”, he whispered in your ear as he flipped you around, now disappearing into your pretty little pussy. “I can’t fucking hold it anymore, Gray”, you screamed out, pulling your own hair before holding onto your tits, massaging them and playfully pulling your nipples. “The song’s not over yet”, he taunted while ramming into you, his abs clenched, sweat not dribbling, but rinsing down from his forehead and chest. Your sight got dizzy once again, as he rubs your clit to the last few accords of the melody, making you squirt all over him as soon as the song came to an end. He quickly lifts your hips and opens his mouth for you to come all over him.

“Damn, babe”, he watched in amazement about how much liquid just squirted out of you as soon as he swallowed the load. His tongue collected everything that was left on your pussy, not wasting anything of the good liquid that he would kill for.

“Thank you, Daddy”, your eyes fell shut, sudden tiredness overcoming you as your muscles relaxed. “Now, c’mon, Y/N”, he cooed as he lifted you up bridal style. “Now I’ll take care of my girl, not that you need to run over to Ethan ever again”, he buried his face into your hair while walking over to the bathroom, filling a tub with warm water and letting a bath bomb fall inside.

“About the boner thing..” You giggled, but Grayson gave you a stern look. “I’ll never want to hear about that again!” And once you opened your Snapchat after a long bath, a relaxing back massage and maybe some more cookies, Ethan’s video was long gone, instead there was a picture of him with headphones under his blanket, his face scrunched up in disguise.  

[god-hunter]

A New Chapter

It happened!  After 2 months of excruciating wonder and fear of what happens next, I finally moved into my new home.  Today is the first day of the rest of my foreseeable future.  And honestly, it feels pretty good...

This is gonna be a shorter one.  I don’t really want to talk about Women tonight.

Instead, I’ll talk about my day.  And maybe the overall plan and how things got to how they are now. So it started with the break up on 2/10.  We both knew it was over in our minds, but bringing it out was still so shocking to both of us.  In the 2 weeks that followed, we were still in denial.  We were beyond civil, and blissfully, unromantically platonic, still sharing the same bed.  I was eventually going to move into the 2nd bedroom and slowly move my stuff when I was ready. That first week was all about telling my close friends what happened and processing the changes myself.  Week 2 was about looking at as many places as possible, and thankfully, that search ended pretty soon within that week, because I found this amazing 2 bed-room apartment.  It just wasn’t ready yet.

I was given a loose timeline of “2 months” which freaked us both out.  That’s when the blissful honeymoon started to crack in Week 3.  We started to act like exes and got in a fight, and that’s when it was very clear.  I had to get the Hell out of there.

By week 4 I had moved back to my parent’s house.  Just bare essentials at first.  A week’s worth of clothes was packed for work.  That entire time I was helping my brother out with a project, which took my mind off of moving and breaking up.  So that was actually really good for me.  But news of Covid-19 spreading to our area was already starting to get worrisome.  It was weird to start seeing friends socially distance themselves from plans we made to hang out, or to postpone future possible dates to a mere 2 weeks from now.  Its not that I wasn’t taking it seriously, but...  I just didn’t expect it to get as bad as it did.

During Week 5 this hit me more.  The project was now over, but enough time had passed that now I felt that the 2 bed-room would be more ready for me to move in.  I had taken weekend trips to the old apartment and packed up as many things as possible bit, by bit.  I believe it was during this week that I had all my boxes from the old apartment, now in my parent’s house.  I checked in with my future landlord, to see what the progress was on this place, and was both surprised and appalled by the work he was putting in.  He allowed me to leave boxes in his basement, here and there, weekend by weekend.  But the next time I saw it, this place was completely gutted.  It looked like a brand new apartment.  And it certainly wasn’t move-in ready at all.  I mean... There was no Toilet!!!  Or shower head to speak of.  He was re-installing outlets...  It was insane.  This really frightened me, honestly.  I started to think, “Oh God... what am I doing?”

But regardless, week 6 & 7 hit.  And that’s where this gets weird, because that’s also when Covid got serious.  Like, really bad.  My shitty job was horribly irresponsible and terribly in denial when it came to the whole pandemic.  They insisted on touting us as essential because we keep other businesses open.  Process Serving businesses that work with courts in harassing people to pay their mortgages.  Yeah... that’s really great.  That’s exactly what the World needs at a time like this.  It made me sick.  And day by day the Governor was announcing that 25%, 50%, 75%, 100% of non-essential businesses... Stay Home!

Still, our company pressed on, selfishly.  About 3 memos went out that I remember.  The first one stating that this is business as usual and we will be unaffected.  That one really bothered me and especially another co-worker of mine.  The 2nd memo was something about cutting hours and lowering wages, but by that point I wasn’t comfortable enough to come in.  I had excused myself and my boss was very understanding, all things considered.  So I can’t really complain too much, in that regard.  The 3rd memo we got that next Monday, which was last week.

On Week 8, on 3/30, my job had a mandatory conference call, which my boss instructed me to dial into via text.  They officially let us go.  A whole team of us, canned.  Just like that.  This news wasn't actually surprising to me, and it wasn’t much of a blow considering half the World was going through this.  Still though, I heard that applying for Unemployment Insurance was a nightmare, and now we were officially a part of that nightmare.  And that really worried me. That week, I had to wait for Thursday to apply, while trying to figure out my new normal.  It was terrifying, and yet relaxing at the same time.  It was the unwanted vacation or more-accurately sick time that I never asked for.  Only thing is, it’s not a vacation.  Not when you can’t go anywhere and all the fun places are closed...  No, man.  This is Quarantine dude...  And facing this reality was really hard on me.

On Week 9 I was still going on walks.  Despite the news telling us to stay inside at all costs.  Don’t go out unless you absolutely have to...  I figured that was subjective to sanity needs.  But no, man...  It’s become Really socially frowned upon here, if you don’t wear a mask when you go outside...  And that probably scares me the most.  I haven’t been sick.  Every Spring, allergies spike up and I always get a little cough.  That hasn’t really picked up yet, but I’ve been waiting for it.  And I’ve been very worried about my parents.

Back to the apartment...  For about 2 or 3 weeks, in this time, I’ve been bringing boxes over to the new apartment and leaving them in his basement, like I said.  Now that was finished and the only thing that was left was to contact movers and organize getting furniture over to this place.

There was drama with the Ex that I had mentioned before, but it didn’t really prevent me from getting my TV stand when I wanted to.  That was technically the first piece of furniture I brought into this apartment last Friday.

But now Today, on this Saturday, the 11th everything went very smoothly.  Almost like clockwork!  It wasn’t completely perfect but... let’s get into that.

So the Ex was a pain in the ass, and she wanted me to move my dresser out of the bedroom BEFORE the movers got there.  I didn’t like this at all, considering that’s their job, but she made a good point that she wanted to hide away in 1 room that she could be safe in while strangers enter her home with whatever they might be carrying.  [Covid has been hitting her Germaphobia HARD.  I dealt with a little bit of that last Friday, myself. I didn’t take offense though]

With that, this was more-less my schedule for the day.

At 8:00 I got up and wasted no time getting ready.  I put the last of my stuff in overnight bags, had breakfast and started to freak out at the amount of stuff I was bringing over.  I had way more than I thought I would have.

At 9:00, my brother came over as planned to help put the TV in my backseat.  We ended up using 2 cars, which was very necessary.  His car held all of the groceries that don’t need refrigerating and a bunch of bags of clothes.  My car too, held a significant amount of clothes, my box of movies/video games, my PS4 and my TV.  Amongst other random things we kept remembering.  I didn’t leave the house in the best mood, and I felt bad about that.  I know my Mom was sad to see me go.  But I’ll see her tomorrow...

At 10:20, my brother and I got over to the old apartment.  I wasn’t excited to go through any of this, but my Ex was actually really pleasant to be around, happy to see me, and helpful in the process.  My brother and I got the dresser out of that bedroom with relative ease, I cleaned off the table I bought and then we waited for the movers to get there.  They weren’t really friendly or warm, but they took what we needed out of there, by noon.

At around 12:40, we were all at my new place and that’s when I started feeling way better.  I’m omitting an emo goodbye to my Ex, because I just don’t want to deal with it right now.  She’s really happy for me, and now that we’re truly apart without anything physically binding us together, now the healing can really begin, I think.  [I had a whole 2 hour talk about her with my Mom the other day.  I don’t miss living with her at all...  I am afraid of living alone though...]

For the rest of the day, my brother and a good friend of mine helped me move boxes from the basement into the apartment, while the movers did their thing with the furniture.  I paid the guys at 1:30, called the pizza place right on time, because the pizza arrived right as the movers got paid.  So I literally paid for one thing, and then the other.  The “set up party” got started.

That’s it’s own little thing, but I won’t get into it.  I had invited at least 15 friends to help me with this move before Covid got really bad.  Covid fucked the whole thing up and each of my friends backed out.  I understood, but it really sucked. It forced me into this mover situation, but honestly that was for the best.  In a way.

I almost forgot one very important thing.  2 actually. 1, the movers couldn’t get my Couch into the living room!!!!  So.  I don’t have a couch... and 2, they didn’t rebuild my bookshelf, because it was IKEA furniture.  They didn’t want to deal with anything being complex or whatever.  I accepted it, and said if they could just disassemble it and bring it there, I’ll rebuild it myself.

But when my friend found that out, he was really upset.  “They should do their damn job!  Don’t act like they did you a favor!!”  He’s not wrong.  A different company that I used absolutely took it apart and reassembled it without any questions or problems during the last move.  [Unfortunately this time around, they weren’t around.  I think they’re temporarily closed for business.]

Regardless, when the movers left, the 3 of us worked on rebuilding this unit until my friend had to leave for work.  The pizza was delicious though and I was really glad to see him.  He really loves the place and it’ll be awesome to hang out here for real when this is all over. My brother and I finished the unit and then he bounced.

This takes us to about 3... This was it.  Now I’m on my own.

At first I was nervous, but then I started to have fun as the chore of cleaning off my kitchen table became this nice activity of setting up my new digs.  Before I knew it, the kitchen was clean.  Then I focussed on other boxes and just emptied them one at a time.  Hangers were hung in closets, a lot of tape and Saran Wrap was thrown out, of course my TV was set up, so there was entertainment as I was doing this.  

I definitely gave a tour of the place on FB.  Talked to a few people, but then kept going. The main project became to clean up the Living Room and make it look more habitable.  I was pretty happy with it, and when TV got stale, I was able to set up my Record Player, plug in an aux cable and have my iPod play nice and loud.  Already I was feeling more at home.

A silver lining to not having a pullout couch any more, is that I was still able to take out the mattress.  So now I have a make-shift mattress in my bedroom.  I didn’t get hungry again until 7:30, where the first pie was already finished, between the 3 of us, today.

I needed milk for Cereal tomorrow, so I got that really quick, along with 2 bottles of soda.  Otherwise, I’ve been drinking beer all day.  I don’t even have water, dude.  [I could drink the tap, but come on...]. I’m gonna buy a filter soon.  Maybe tomorrow...

When I got back, I called my Mom and filled her in about my day.

I’m also omitting that I forgot my PS4 power cable...  This time I have my controllers and HDMI cables, but... yeah. I dun fucked up.  Which is exactly why I was trepidatious this morning!

Hopefully that’ll be rectified tomorrow though, when I visit my parents for Easter.  I knooooow, I know.  Stay Home! This is literally 1 Day after my Move.  Its almost, NO difference.  And I’m not ready to be alone for a holiday yet.  So Easter Ham Dinner it is!!  It’s gonna be more of a Late Lunch probably, which is even better for me.

My Mom & I had bought a bunch of groceries for me on Friday that we kept in the fridge and freezer.  I purposely didn’t take them, because I knew they’d be thawing out in the car for hours on end before getting to my place.  It was the right move.  Instead, I’ll be grabbing those tomorrow, after our Easter Ham and bring them over in one solid trip.  [Hopefully with my PS4 cable.]

I apologize if this is getting a little more mundane the further we go, but this is what my life is looking like right now.

Things regarding almost all of my contacts have gone very cold this week, which I found pretty alarming, particularly the day after my birthday.  I know it’s not personal.  One day on FB, I got all this birthday love which really kept me going during Covid, while waiting for this move to happen.  Then the next day... no one wanted to talk to me.  Like I mean, literally no one was around.  Or they were just upset and didn’t really want to talk...

And it really sucked, because I had a major headache and was almost feeling sick by the end of the night.  It really made me worry.

I did get to host a “party” on PS4 for Green that day, as I tried to unlock the co-op mode in that game for us, but so far that’s a fail.

Zombie was also really sweet to me on my birthday.  She made it really clear that she wants to grab a beer when this is all over, so that’s cool.

Same goes for Social Distancer, to a lesser degree.  She reached out to see if I was okay, and our conversations are a little boring, but it’s still nice to talk to her.

Gamer Girl is also equally attentive in regards to my move and this new song a day challenge I’ve been doing on FB.  It’s kinda nice...

This is what my life has come down to...  Succumbing to Facebook in order to get through my day and get out of my head.  When I’m not feeling creative enough to try writing or music that is...

But now it’s different.  I don’t feel stuck any more... Now I’m liberated.  At least for the moment.

There’s a certain novelty to being independent right now, and I am very much in the Honeymoon with this place.  Even without my couch or PS4. But I can’t wait to figure that out either.

I’m gonna end it there folks.  I’ve said it before, but I’m gonna say it again. When all of this started 2 months ago, I thought to myself... “By the time this whole thing is over, we’re gonna come out of this in a completely different place.”  But now that thought has taken on a whole new meaning...

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Thirty Two

I am beyond exhausted. 

After finishing my break-up blog when I got home from Game Night at C’s, I stayed up till close to 2am before I finally dozed off. I woke up this morning at 8am, lazed about, ate breakfast and finally took a shower closer to 10am. Then I met C and AS at 10:30 so we could take AS grocery shopping and to buy a few things like a new coffee maker. 

What I anticipated would be a maximum 4 hours of running errands and having lunch turned into 7 hours, which is why I was so tired. There I go again with my stupid expectations - they always let me down. At least AS got some things she likes and needed as well as both C and I. It was mostly an excuse for me to spend some of my money that I got from my recent bonus, most of it happening at IKEA, but it was fun spending money and not caring too much. Plus I got some yummy baked treats at Tous Les Jours, which always puts a big smile on my face. Plus I had fun with C and AS, they’re a laugh riot.  I’ll be good tomorrow and hopefully only withdraw my rent money and only spend money on eggs and maybe a pedicure. I’m growing eagle’s talons on my toes, so it’s definitely time for a nail trimming and some foot scrubbing. 

I honestly don’t feel like I have the energy to exercise after this, that’s how tired I am. It’s getting harder and harder to keep up with my exercise schedule and write my break-blog entries every evening after all the things I do in the mornings and afternoons, even on my days off. This is probably part of the reason why I don’t always hang out with people. It’s not that I don’t enjoy social interactions and activities with my family, friends or colleagues. I just have a tiny social battery life that lasts for up to 2 hours at a time. On a good day - maybe 4-6 hours. I’m definitely OCD when it comes to controlling my schedule so I have enough time to do all the things I want and need to do in a single day. 

Meh. 

Worst-case scenario: I do the exercises I can manage and skip the ones I can’t or simply don’t want to do. It’s only a workout programme on a phone app, not a serious committment like a marriage proposal. I might go into work for a bit on Sunday to start marking some of the written assessments that are complete. I’m not going to stress that much over it since the grades my students get at school is mostly fiction anyway. 

C told me earlier that the supervisor for all the foreign teachers at school, ML, was the one who told her that our new vice-principal didn’t want to renew C’s work contract for next year. Seeing as the man started working at our school only a week ago, I find it hard to believe that he has such a strong opinion already about high or low turnovers of teachers coming to and leaving our school. Which makes me think that it’s really MH who cares about the turnover issue and actually just wants C out. Never mind the fact that MH is planning on leaving our school next year too - what does it matter apparently if she takes a few more teachers out the door with her, right? 

I’m really starting to dislike shady people in general. Honesty, how hard is it to admit that you have a shady agenda? You might as well come clean and save yourself the trouble of getting found out later by a couple of metaphorical teenagers playing detective and their meddling dog. Hopefully I get to stick it to my school when they find out I’m leaving as well. That means H will have to train two new teachers in the Elementary department come next year. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not leaving school because of how C’s been treated. I’m grown enough to know that’s between her and our employers and has got jack shit to do with me and my teaching abilities. It’s just time for me to go, especially when I already feel like nothing I do at my job actually matters. 

Still, there are silver linings to everything. I prayed to God this morning and got emotional in a good way thinking about all the wonderful students who have come into my life in the last 5 years while I pursued a career in ESL Education. Sure, the path has had its ups and downs, but what a wonderful and fulfilling path it’s been so far. I can’t wait to look back on this chapter in my life 20 years from now and see how far I’ve come. I hope I’m lucky enough to meet a few of my old students in the future and see what they’ve accomplished. Since most of my students have been Asian so far, I firmly believe that they’ll accomplish a lot in their lives. I don’t want to ever forget what my teachers have taught me over time and what I’ve learnt while being a teacher. I chose this path 7 years ago after I broke up with KA and I’ve managed to see so much more of the world along the way. It’s been hard and challenging, but there’s nothing I would change about the journey that got me here. 

While in one of the department stores with C and AS, I saw a display of backpacks that I previously bought in the last year: a black one for X’s birthday a few months ago and a grey one for me not long after that. I ended up giving my backpack to X while we were in Manila and she was stressing about how to take all of her gifts for her family and her clothes back home in her tiny suitcase. At the time, it was a wrench to give up the backpack, but not so serious that I couldn’t buy another duplicate for myself here in China. Now I’m thinking about whether I still want to get another grey one or get a different colour altogether. I don’t want too reminders of X hampering my future progress, but it also seems to dwell too much on semantics. Certain, useless memories will fade over time; hopefully when that happens, I’ll still get to keep the good memories of X that won’t be too bittersweet for me. It took some time for me to view my memories with KA and even CH, my first boyfriend, as good moments. But I got there eventually. Despite some of the tough moments that happened after the break-up with both of them, I hope that KA and CH don’t hold it against me and that they’ve moved on completely for the better. 

As far as X is concerned, I could give two flying fucks and a left nut-sack what she thinks of me. I’m already winning the break-up just from not lying to her about money or lying about having a terminal illness. Who knew those things would actually be relationship deal-breakers? I guess it’s because it’s only been a month since the break-up and the hurt and resentment is still fresh. I hope it gets over time not to treat every good memory of X with patronising disdain. 

It sucks that my mind inadvertently travels to more intimate moments with X, like her soft, unrushed kisses and the way she would rub my back when I’d wake up in the middle of the night after having a violent coughing fit. I hate that she was so tender in those moments and so rough and unkind with my feelings in the months before our break-up. Did she really hate me that much or did she just not have enough human decency in her to set me and herself free to move on and be happier by ourselves? 

I wish I knew. I also wish I could confront her and actually get the fucking truth out of her. But that’s just my wishful thinking talking again. The reality is that I’ll never know the truth, even if X deigns to feed more useless crap.

The more I type, the less tired I start to feel. So I think I’ll end off here, get dressed into my workout clothes and exercise for a bit. Then I’ll enjoy my cream doughnut and garlic bread from Tous Les Jours while vegging the night away. 

I hope I can just sleep and then sleep some more, till that peaceful feeling of nothingness takes over my brain. I need to slow down and start resting more. So maybe when my latest workout programme is done, I might also take a break from writing my break-up blog entries. 

Life sometimes happens when you’re out there actually living it. It might soon be time for me to take my fingers off of the keyboard, go out of my apartment and start living and maybe even loving again. 

[berlinsucks]

Better alone?

“When there is no one else, Look inside yourself And like your oldest friend, Just trust the Voice within.”

Relationships. Some people want one, others dread the idea of losing their freedom.

I have not updated the blog in a while, but my meantime has been a mixture of alcohol, friends and heart to sometimes-heart dates. At times heart-breaking, at times soul cleansing but always giving me a better understanding of myself, taking me one step closer to my goal:

Find who I am. And then find him. If there is one.

I recently installed Grindr again. Why? Because I am lonely. I just moved to Wedding, this part of Berlin that speaks less German than my greek grand mother.  Everything is new and I seem to run a marathon to put my life in order after just graduating from university.

I have been single since August, where I said goodbye to a guy that meant a lot but, like the pelicans, had to migrate to the other side of the globe. Berlin attracts the kind of people that stay for a while and then dissapear back to their home nests, much like birds, never coming back.

Sunday evening and I found myself in Kottbusser Tor with two friends. I went on Grindr and I had a message from “Top”. He was less than 1 km away. I told him that I am going to Möbel Olfe for a beer, and he sent me pics of his muscular legs and a photo of him in a hat. I was sure I had seen his face before.

We talked about meeting up; he promised to kiss me all night, something I hadn’t done in a while. Since the pelican left, to be more precise.

I asked whether we should meet up later; he said that he is too tired.

“Another pointless conversation on Grindr, where we exchange pictures and it leads to nothing.” I thought.

Most of my Grindr encounters are like this; I chat away with boys that could potentially spark my interest. And then, from time to time, it crosses my mind that I could actually meet them and have sex. But I almost never do.There is a voice within, call it stupid if you want, that tells me that I want more than a sex date.

I decided to talk a bit more to “Top” (T from now on). I was curious to understand the mentality of a young gay man that is using Grindr for different purposes than I do.

“We have talked before”, I said.

“Really?”

“Yes”

“I don’t remember”, he answered.

It didn’t come as a surprise. I have met people that had forgotten we had sex, let alone only a chat on Grindr.

T said he never forgets kissing someone. Well I hadn’t kissed him.

“How is it for you? Having sex? Is it where it ends?”, I asked.

T admitted that he had been in two relationships in the past, one of them being five year long with a German guy. He only described them as “kind of serious”. I wondered how five years can only be “kind of” serious. For me, that point arrives earlier. 

T went on to say that he is quite introvert, and that he is better off alone than in a relationship. He likes to fill his own voids and own needs and has sex to respect his instincts.

“Feeling empty is not about having someone. It helps sometimes, but even in a relationship you can feel empty and alone.”, he said.

I couldn’t agree more to that, but a voice in me reminded me that I am still looking for someone bigger to cuddle than Mr. Broccoli (my IKEA plush toy) for the rest of my life.

Of course, I never wrote that. Instead, I went on to say something that sounded rather serious and logical:

“But it helps; sharing the earth experience with someone helps.”

He said that he doesn’t like the pressure about relationships.

“Like you have to absolutely have one to be happy”, he explained.

”It is not like food, you can survive without it. But are you better alone?” I asked 

”Being happy is not only about being with someone.”

”But it can also be -because- of it.”, I said.

His whole attitude made me question my relationships basics.

“Is it unnatural to be committed?”, I asked. I feel that the truth lies somewhere inbetween. Physical commitement is probably not a prerequisite for a deep and meaningful relationship. Or seven years of life in Berlin convinced me so.

“Haha, what’s natural? Our nature is open”, he said.

“Shitting is natural. Eating from your mouth is natural. Sperm is natural. But commitment might not”, I answered, anxiously thinking of other things that are natural and make me sound cool and not like a complete commitment freak.

“We are programmed by our instincts, like bees and ants. We need social interaction to develop ourselves.” he added.

“So which kind of instinct brings us to Grindr?”, I asked.

“Sexual instincts and loneliness.”

“Greed also?”

“Sometimes people just write or sext, it does not always end up physical.” he said.

And then I realised. 

Has Grindr been my invincible friend all these years? The guys that I have talked to, most of them only online, some of them I have met offline, and some I have had sex with. But most of the times, it only remained a chat always in my hand. Is it really just fulfilling my need for human connection? Is it always there when I am lonely, after a night out with no one to cuddle, when I am alone in the park or after my morning coffee? Has it become an addiction? 

Is Grindr the boyfriend we couldn’t get, the friend that couldn’t be there all the time, the parent that looked away when we cried as children?

He went on to tell me about his sex experiences in the clubs of Berlin and sent me a song. “Happy” by Marina and the Diamonds. He said it is the saddest song he has ever heard.

“Quite contradicting title”, I thought.

Marina found what she is looking for in herself. And she still hasn’t found someone but believes in divinity.

“Maybe it is a message for me.” I thought.

“If she is still alone, it’s fine for me as well. If she is still looking, why can’t I?”.

The album is from 2014. Maybe she found someone ever since.

“Thank you. Good night, Top”

I never asked for his name. He does not have one. He was my friend, my boyfriend, my mother for tonight; tomorrow there will be someone else. A bottom, a top, a versatile, an XL or an XS. He will always be there when I am lonely and looking for someone to talk to. The moments I shy away from myself, looking for my reflection on a phone screen. Until I find the one for me.