#I am not allowed to publicly share what caused this due to my morals

[mothgirl-number-4]

hellO world I am fucking horny as girlballs

[channelmono]

A lengthy, LENGTHY post on keeping yourself mentally safe AND politically active during this time of racial/political unrest

I wasn’t expecting the need to do another writeup again, but here we are, haha Taking this break day to discuss the NEW giant elephant in the room: the US has flared up in a gigantic racial conflict again after the high-profile death of another black American at the hands of the police. There’s no beating around the bush since everyone’s already talking about it, and if you haven’t heard about it til now (which hey, my analytics say some of you are pretty young, so I wouldn’t blame you), it’s been a greatly aggressive mess that everyone is feeling the pressure of getting involved in. Now, I usually don’t like getting publicly political, but that doesn’t mean that I as a creator am not a political person. Far from it; the moral matters of how people should be treated, what constitutes as “justice” and what to do when “injustice” is committed, are all very important subjects that we eventually learn to form our opinions on through life experience and interacting with the world, and will always remain relevant due to how we exist in the world under governments and cultures. It’s dishonest to say we have no belief in stuff like that, and ultimately unhelpful to deny our say in it. Politics are very important, and they matter. But I’m not here to get into a full filibuster about why you should support Black Lives Matter and be informed of the protests going on and what motivates them. The thing is that I trust all you lovely monitors and have the faith that we’re generally on board with at least adjacent beliefs in how the world should work -- the life of innocent people matters, racism and other forms of hatred are bad, killing people is bad, the misuse of authoritative power is unjust, etc. If someone asks me to explain in a multi-paragraph spiel why I believe people should believe these things since they think otherwise… I’ll kindly tell them “no”. Instead, similarly to my COVID-19 writeup, I just want to talk about some tips to help deal with the day-to-day of this ongoing conflict; not necessarily discuss politics in deep detail, but rather the handling of politics in your everyday life, especially during times of controversy. This is a VERY rough time for many people, online and off, and I think it’s as important to keep yourself healthy during this time of extreme tension as much as it is to stay strong regarding the conflict in which we are all in one way or another embroiled in. This writeup might be a little cluttered and clunky since many of these points are greatly interconnected, but just bear with me through this, and I hope the points I make will make sense in the end.

=========================== 1) JUSTICE IS THE BOTTOM LINE =========================== Let me establish something as clear as I possibly can right off the bat: The ultimate goal of rebellion (especially this one based in activism towards the better treatment of black lives) should not be to create stress to psychologically destroy everyone in the vicinity, but to inspire change for the better. The systemic allowing of authorities to misuse their power for hateful purposes should not merely be a seen as an excuse to get angry at the world, but an injustice that must be corrected, and the bottom line of protest is not merely agitation, but actual change. I feel like this should ultimately be pretty obvious for a lot of people, but because change is a very difficult thing in general and because the protests have provoked turbulent response, it’s very easy to lose sight of what we’re actually doing and why, especially for the young adults whose first exposure to complex and nuanced politics is through times like this. Make no mistake, at the end of the day, getting justice for George Floyd and the countless other African-Americans lost to police brutality is the goal. So… why is this controversial? Well, because... =========================== 2) POLITICS ARE COMPLICATED (AND WHY WE MUST BE CAREFUL AND PATIENT WITH IT) =========================== Kind of an obvious statement, but politics are VERY complicated, often to the degree that they can be extremely overwhelming, especially to the young and inexperienced. So I want to start by just making some sense out of the chaos to make what we’re all dealing with more digestible for later. There’s a lot of ways politics can be controversial that I feel should be obvious on a fundamental level of “not agreeing”, but the facet I want to focus on is the fact that in discussion about what’s “morally correct”, morals are not synonymous with the rhetoric and methods with which they’re presented. Often times, people who agree on the same target goal will disagree on the actual means of getting to that goal. We’ve all been in the situation where we got angry at someone for saying something in a really bad way, and frustrated because we also thought “...they still have a good point,” but the delivery made both of us look bad. This is everywhere in politics, and is also just a fact of life and humanity; everyone will have their own opinions on what to do and why to do it, and they may not all be completely the same. That doesn’t mean that people who you don’t 100% agree with are definitively less worthy of being on your side, nor does it mean that people you don’t 100% DISAGREE with are suddenly worth your time. The point is that nuance should be expected… and that’s not unforgivable, contrary to what some people might want you to believe. There’s a frustrating narrative that’s sadly common (or at the very least, disproportionately vocal) within activist movements which social media isn’t helping with, and it’s the classic “you’re either with us or against us” philosophy. Again, this can manifest in many ways, but the prevailing modern take is the oft-unspoken assumption that anyone that doesn’t immediately qualify as an ally must be considered an enemy, ignorant, and/or at the very least worth showing contempt to unless they do something that suddenly makes them qualify as an ally. In other words, assuming the worst of people until proven otherwise. I’ll go into more detail about this further down, but simply put, I do not agree with this approach at all because it inherently roots itself in the presumption that personal philosophies are set in stone, and that it requires a Herculean amount of effort on the other party to change for you. Yes, YOU, the absolute moral victor who not only never needs to change or rethink anything by virtue of being the victor, but also gets to choose what counts as acceptable in the first place. This is not to say that activism is inherently dishonest or bad, merely that again, politics are complicated. This current Black Lives Matter boom and the various responses to it are very complicated, and despite this movement being a thing for a while now, not everyone is an expert on everything that happens and why, especially as it continues to develop. The most egregiously unhelpful part of the “people who are ignorant are enemies” assumption is that it forgets not only that ignorance is the default state everyone born into this world starts as, but also that everyone is perpetually still learning, and no matter what, it’s always possible to change your mind, whether you're 15 or 50. In turn, this implicitly encourages the rejects people who DO want to be accepted as an ally to a cause they ultimately believe in to rush into action just to stop being antagonized for not “getting it.” For your own safety: DO NOT RUSH INTO POLITICS, especially since the current-day responses to some of this conflict can get dangerous. It’s not even a case of getting peer-pressured to getting into a live protest only to do something that gets you shot at with rubber bullets -- you could end up saying something you didn’t realize was insensitive until it was too late, you could mistakenly contribute to a false charity fund or untrustworthy organization merely posing as an activist group, or basically anything that only affirms peoples’ perception of you as ignorant. Please, take your time. As sucky as it is to deal with peer pressure from the toxic people on your side, also remember that you’re not alone. Not just in the sense that there are people who want to understand and become better and more informed like you, but also that there are people who are on your side who WANT you to become better and more informed and will understand if it doesn’t come immediately. Being able to safely say you holistically “understand” is a process that requires a lot of time and thought ruminating about your morals and your place in the world (like, to adulthood at the least, basically), and I can say for sure that many people involved in these activist movements have grown up still understanding that. Also (and this is just a thing on life in general), don’t let mistakes damn you. While everyone should strive to do their best, especially regarding matters as critical and controversial as racial inequity in the justice system, mistakes should not be completely inescapable dead-ends, nor should they be seen as such. Every misstep is a hidden lesson. Did you fall into the trap of misinformation? Give yourself new perspective of what misinformation looks like to avoid it in the future. Did you realize that you’re being strung along in potentially negative action you don’t understand? When you’re skeptical, do your research. Did you end up in a confused place because the causes you followed have come into conflict? Give the time to reassess what you fundamentally believe in and why. In short, Be patient with what the world throws at you. Your friends and allies will love you more for being careful and smart than merely being the first to say something. =========================== 3) REMEMBER TO BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF TOO =========================== Now I realize that the suggestions I just shared in that last section might read off as being easier said than done, which... yknow, it is. Again, change is difficult not just on a system level, but on an individual, personal level, even when they have to do with the same thing. But now with all that backdrop out of the way, let’s talk directly on mental health. Again. I’ve already discussed my thoughts and tips on keeping your mind healthy in the context of the COVID-19 lockdown (which still is important since the pandemic is still going on, LINK: https://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1sr7go6 ), and most of the stuff mentioned are still applicable to this new climate that I generally recommend still being practiced on a personal, self-care level: understand that even at the darkest, there will be dawn, keep yourself stimulated with regular activity, and be sure you get plenty of healthy sleep so you don’t spend your waking days tired and unable to lift yourself up. Of course, this is a new situation where the priorities are a lot different, namely that rather than merely keeping your sanity during a very passive time, this new situation is about social interaction, participation, and in general being active in big, drastic ways. That said, I don’t believe the fields are mutually exclusive -- I believe you can act for the greater good while preserving your own health, despite what some might be saying. Going back to that bit of internal gatekeeping of “you’re seen as an enemy until proven otherwise,” another part of what makes this thinking ultimately harmful is that the “line” which “separates” ally and enemy can be incredibly hazy and effectively whatever it wants, with the biggest narrative as of writing being that “silence means you’re complicit in allowing evil, and that if you don’t ever speak up, you’re a bad person.” Now there’s a lot to unpack from this, because this is a case where there is a good point, but it’s buried in vitriol. There ARE valid reasons for why someone would stay quiet, namely that not everyone has the same emotional/psychological bandwidth. Maybe people are having breakdowns because everything in the world angrily and violently collapsed onto them at once. Maybe they had burnout because the exposure dulled them of their usual ability to care. Heck, maybe there’s a way more corporeal issue in that they’re afraid for their own safety because of what they do or don’t say and are afraid of the consequences being literally dangerous, like they might lose their job or are gonna get targeted IRL. But does that constitute a free pass to sit this entire movement out? Well, as nice as it would be, the answer is “no”. Once again, the point of this movement is achieving justice, which I believe is a very worthy cause to take part in should we have the ability to, and I’ll be sharing stuff further down for those who can (and I believe most of you can). But the important thing to know now is that we and our brethren are not completely equal in terms of how smart, vocal, durable, or ultimately able we are, and that's FINE. I want you to know that just because you might not be as big in that regard as your peers, that doesn’t instantly make you “less” of a good person who can do great things, and I don’t think it’s at all wise to see action in a "flawless", black/white way. We all matter. And now is a time to do our best to stand united with our friends to affirm that black lives matter. Now, before I share in tips on how to go about being an active participant, since you’re here reading this huge-ass essay, this is a good time to reflect on where you stand from a mental health perspective, which is just as important and should be regularly checked upon as brushing your teeth. In addition to more visceral emotional reactions like secondhand trauma, other things like burnout and depression don’t just suddenly APPEAR. They creep up on you over time through prolonged stress, and they should be identified before they become a really crippling problem. No matter how passionate you are about advocacy and how much you believe in yourself, recognize that we are all still human, and that there are times that we need to stop, relax, and breathe. (like, literally! Take slow, deep breaths!) Ask yourself: are you physically feeling fatigued? How often? Is your overall morale good? What is your frequency of good to bad days, and is there any correlation you can find that dictates when they occur? Do you get instantly anxious and depressed when receiving certain stimuli like bad news? What about “good” stimuli like being empathetic or compassionate? Give yourself a patient, honest answer: how “well” do you feel? Like from my COVID-19 post, I want to remind that I am not a doctor who can necessarily prescribe things like therapy or give definitive treatment for every individual who reads this based on how they’re doing, and these suggestions are more stuff that I believe will help cope and take care of yourself just from experience. With that being said: • If you are feeling constantly exhausted, finding yourself unable to consciously self-care or work, I cannot recommend a healthy, regular sleep schedule enough. Do your best to be honestly consistent about it, your body and mind will thank you so much for good rest! • If triggering topics are festering in your head, learn how to practice meditation and grounding techniques. Meditating and grounding can be regularly used to help sway your mind away from the harsh topics your mind may wander into and fixate on in any given moment, and can be very helpful in allowing yourself to clear your mind from stress, as well as to refocus on what you’re really experiencing in the present. There are so many ways to approach these forms of treatment to try out, but just some online resources to get started: https://www.theawakenetwork.com/free-online-meditation-resources-for-the-time-of-social-distancing/ --- https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques • If the constant exposure to these ongoing, intense news and their discussions are becoming too much for you, it is completely within your right to turn off your social media, news, and halt your advocacy in general for a bit. Again, these are important, crucial topics which we ultimately fight for because we believe that things should be better, but if you start to feel legitimately traumatized and unable to properly handle new information to work, you don’t need to continue exposing yourself to it. Give yourself a break from it, you can join back any time once you feel strong again. • Stay connected to the people you trust. I firmly believe that empathy and friendship are more powerful than any kind of indirect threat like peer pressure in helping you stay productive while happy. You were probably already doing this because of the COVID-19 stuff, but now is especially a good time to come together with your friends and loved ones. No matter what, we all need our safety, reassurance, and love, and while we may not always be able to unload all our grievances onto each other (everyone has a right to their own mind they should take care of), there is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking out solidarity. That is a big thing with a movement like this, after all! • If you really believe you need professional help for constant distress, then genuinely good professional help is out there. If you have concern in finding proper mental health treatment (especially for black people), programs out there specifically with it in mind. https://twitter.com/mayarichardsun/status/1265676677549559809 One last point: it’s also important to understand that coping isn’t exactly the same thing as “self care”. We all have an obligation to act in ways that can in one way or another be seen as stressful, but also understand that not all methods to cope with it are equally healthy. What I suggested are very low-maintenance, low financial cost techniques, but there are other techniques like spending cash on clothes or (for some of us), binging on alcohol or other substances. Techniques like that aren’t strictly invalid as coping tools in moderation, but understand that ultimately, self-care is a form of reducing the harm you receive, and it isn’t necessary to cut into your finances or physical health just to not feel bad. Be safe about how you cope! =========================== 4) READY? GET SET. GO! =========================== There are so many ways that you can help with the Black Lives Matter movement that honestly, I’m kinda nervous about going in great detail about all of them since I feel like I might misword stuff that explains themselves very well already, haha. But here is a big, constantly-updating resource that I currently trust and follow: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co This Carrd page by @dehyedration is a very extensive page on “Ways You Can Help”, with links of direct support and additional educational guides for those who wish to be further educated (which should be all of us!). Included are: • Petitions to sign for justice not just for George Floyd, but other victims felled to police brutality (very low-cost and contains details for international). • Text/call contact info towards local govt. representatives who can bring George Floyd and others to justice. • Links to donation funds towards the victims, the protesters, to black-owned businesses, and other charity institutions (includes a segment for international links!). • Guides for live protesters, compiling resources for understanding your legal rights, links for assistance (including access to pro-bono lawyers), and tutorials on how to stay safe and treat injuries should things get hairy. • Additional resources on educating yourself on the topics of Black Lives Matter’s rhetoric and goals, the issues of systemic racism at large, debunking of common misinformation and outright hoaxes, and more! There are MANY way to contribute to the cause right now, and a surprising amount of it you can do in virtually no time. Signing the petitions alone can be all done in 5-10 minutes (give or take, given how many tabs you can open and keep track of at any certain time haha), and even if you can’t donate, there are so many ways to you express your support without needing to have to deal with pointless fights against Twitter trolls. Once again, I firmly believe that contributing to and being aware of a powerful, meaningful cause and keeping your sanity are not mutually exclusive. We can act for the greater good, and we can be healthy about it, so long as we remember to be patient with the world as much as we should be patient with ourselves, and together, we can do amazing things. And one final reminder: just because this is an important subject we should all do our part to get involved in this, that doesn’t mean you must sacrifice everything else in your life right now. As important as the discussion is and as critical a time it is for it to be visible, that doesn’t mean that you should be completely engulfed in it. You can still enjoy what makes you happy, healthy, and motivated enough to take part in this movement. To paraphrase many a wise men: take it, but you can take it easy! I’ll be leaving you with a link to a Twitter thread I found of a bunch of nice news regarding the ongoing protests, which contrary to what a lot of the media might say, is not all looting, fires, and tear gas. The people out there ARE there as a show of solidarity as much as much as support, and it's genuinely beautiful. https://twitter.com/tomakeupwityou/status/1266947871686959106 Stay safe, and stay healthy out there, lovely monitors! (and keep washing your hands!) 🖤🖤🖤

[smarmykemetic]

If you want the people who disagree with you all the time to respect you, well respect has to be earned, you cas't just demand it.

When I got this anon the other day, I ultimately decided to ignore it, because I knew it was almost certainly from the same person who sent me these (x x x), as well as several other pieces of anonymous hatemail that I chose to ignore; as well as almost certainly from one of the same two people (BBSAS and anubianpagan) who I am 99% sure run that anonymous chickenshit drama blog that, ultimately, does nothing but provide a platform for racist, self-righteous cowards to be racist, self-righteous cowards. However, since I just saw in my notes that this same blog has tagged me once again, I decided that I may as well go ahead and give this anon the answer I would give it if I genuinely believed that the sender wanted a conversation about my MO when it comes to what I mean by “respect” and how yall can expect me to treat “””people who disagree with me all the time”””” (read: crypto-fascists and their “centrist” or in some cases, “classically liberal” enablers). 

This is gonna be a long one, so buckle up:

I treat internet arguments that I either start or stumble into, first by giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, and assuming that whatever the disagreement is, is probably a matter of misinformation or miscommunication. Most of the conflicts I deal with online and irl seem to boil down to this in some way, shape, or form, so these days the first thing I do in a confrontation is show my opponent the basic respect of assuming that they are a rational, free-thinking, intelligent person with the best of intentions who just doesn’t know what they’re talking about as well as they think they do. People get very very angry with me when I let on that that is what I think is happening, so I usually try to give them the information and perspectives that I have without being mean or smug. This is also the stage where I sometimes find out that I don’t know what I’m talking about as well as I thought I do; and while it’s usually not fun to find that out, and the other person is usually very smug and mean when they tell me, I’m proud to announce that I have the basic respect for myself, my opponents, and objective fuckin’ reality that I have no problem posting publicly, “I stand corrected; my opponent was right and I was wrong” when I have been convinced, either through hard evidence or persuasive arguments, that I was wrong about something. In fact, I have a tag specifically for admitting i’m wrong and apologizing on both my tumblr blogs (x x). 

The thing is, often, no amount of sharing information or clarifying my political, philosophical, or personal reasons for taking a certain stance on something, will cause the other person to back off or admit they may have been wrong about something. When I realize that I’m dealing with someone who has already decided what they believe and is just going to waste my time by regurgitating points that they obviously heard either on some edgy adult cartoon show that they clearly believe is not just “funny”, but the holder of some kind of deep moral philosophical wisdom; or on some online meme page that, either knowingly or unknowingly, posts literal crypto-fascist propaganda (here’s where i plug a youtube series that has been invaluable in helping me learn to recognize crypto-fascists, in our community and outside of it; no, this particular youtube series is not my only source on this topic; it’s just the one I think is best for this context)…when I realize that is the situation, I once again extend my opponent the basic respect of assuming that they are a rational, free-thinking, intelligent person who has decided, for whatever reason, to believe the things that they believe. I give them credit for believing the things that they argue in favor of, the things that they send me hatemail for criticizing them for, that they are so fucking furious about that they decide the only way they can possibly deal with the alleged authoritarian injustice of me writing and posting things online, is going around and anonymously, desperately trying to get people to believe that I am crazy, or an immature “child”, or a liar, or a dangerous violent extremist, or in league with A/pep itself. Or, usually, all of the above.

I respect them enough to treat them as what they are telling me, both with their words and actions, that they are. And I treat them with all of the “””respect””” that is due to somebody who acts and behaves that way: almost none. As in, so little that I have absolutely no interest in engaging with you or your ideas in any kind of a serious “debate”. So little that I am not interested in meeting whatever standards you may choose to list so that I may, as you say, “””earn your respect”””. In fact, I respect you so little that I am not and will not ever genuinely “demand” your “respect”, because I do not want to be “respected” by you and others like you. I aspire to have as little to do with you as possible. I aspire to prevent you from hurting me, or my friends, or my family, or my neighbors with your racist, fear-mongering bullshit. I aspire to make you change your mind about acting on the things you are telling me you believe; your *~*~opinions~*~* about why you say and do the things you do do not matter to me at all.

Some may say this attitude is mean or unfair. I say that this attitude is simply me refusing to play the respectability politics game, no matter how much anybody whines and screams and cries anonymously, anywhere online. Some may say that this is about me “lacking the emotional maturity” to deal with you and your ilk. I say that this is about me having the compassion for, and solidarity with, and basic respect for the marginalized and oppressed in the Kemetic community that is required to look at someone saying something like, “Hey, what if it’s actually okay to be racist so long as we say we’re not being racist,” and tell them to either shut the fuck up or leave.

Here’s the thing. The advice that virtually every single adult I have ever talked to, and DEFINITELY every single Internet Polytheist Leader Person, gives me for these situations -the situation of dealing with a would-be bully, either on the school playground or on the internet, is to “just ignore them and they’ll go away”. Online, this is usually phrased as, “Don’t feed the trolls”. THIS IS AMONG THE WORST ADVICE I HAVE EVER RECEIVED by the metric of “what actually makes the situation, for me and my friends who are getting bullied, any better”. What this advice does in real life, is allow the bully to realize they have found the thing that every bully is always looking for: an easy target. When you “ignore” bullies in the hopes that they get bored and go away, all you are doing long-term is teaching the bully that there are no consequences for their actions. I didn’t listen to this advice in the first fucking grade; I didn’t listen to it when people told me that’s how I should deal with Solo and their fanclub harassing, threatening, blackmailing, cyberstalking and ultimately doxing me “because I annoyed them”; and I am not going to listen to it now, because that advice does not work and is not meant to help me not get bullied; it is meant to help the authority figure in charge of the situation not have to deal with it personally because, in the words of a serial rapist who was believed over all of his victims for years because he was just such a Nice Guy who everyone loved so fuckin’ much they refused to believe he was capable of rape: “The parent doesn’t want justice, the parent wants quiet.” The reasons and the opinions of the people who give me the advice I know is bad and doesn’t work are irrelevant to me, because at the end of the day,if no one else is willing to, i have to defend myself and my community from the people who would tear us apart in the name of having their right to be racist pricks “respected”.

So, no, I will not be silently accepting whatever abuse you choose to pour into the kemetic tag or into my inbox in the name of “being the bigger person”. I also will not be going and finding any of the people choosing to send me this abuse, and let them set the terms of engagement and tone of the conversation, and take them seriously as they tell me all of this fucking racist nonsense that they delusionally believe is a bunch of Rational Fair Good Points About Politics and Kemeticism. And, once again to make sure it sinks in, I tell all of you, sincerely: I do not and will not EVER give enough of a fuck about “respecting” your whiny anonymous opinions, to stop saying what I’m saying. I respect you enough not to attempt to proselytize or “sell you” on my religious beliefs, but I do not “respect” you enough (or rather, in the way that you wish I “respected” you) to keep my story, as I have experienced it, a secret to protect your feelings and egos. 

If I blocked you, you’re staying blocked. If you’re anonymous, your opinion doesn’t matter because you will not stand by it. Put up or shut up.

[enthusiasticsobrietyabuse]

Survivor Testimony: Staying Sober After The Group.  Originally posted on OnTheEmmis.com circa 2005

I want to start off by saying that I wish to remain anonymous on this website for the time being as there are a few potential real-life consequences to my being exposed in here and I ask that if you think that you might know me that you not expose my identity publicly in this online forum. If you wish to contact me, please shoot an e-mail to the address that I have provided and I will gladly respond. Now that I've got the self-centered paranoid disclaimer out of the way, I'll tell you why I'm here. First, I want to thank tremendously whoever launched this website, I think it is a great service. It really reaffirmed for me that I wasn't the only sane person who thought that all was not necessarily right in that place. I am posting my story here because I want anyone else who finds themselves in a similar position as mine was early on in sobriety to seriously consider the ramifications of joining the group, getting a different perspective on the matter, before making any such decision. I was offered sage advice early on, but I chose to ignore it. After a brief exposure to AA in 1998, without any real tangible practice of the program in my life, I quickly decided that I wasn't alcoholic and went back out - only to suffer more self-inflicted torture from the hell that is alcoholism. After several months and some tremendously painful life experiences, I sheepishly crawled back to the program of AA, determined that I needed to stay sober at any cost or that I would die. About the time I had 90 days, I felt the same disillusionment that I had felt in my first AA experience, but I was at the painful jumping off place - I knew that I couldn't live like this anymore, but I also knew that drinking wasn't a viable option either. In my return to AA, I had latched on quickly to some fresh graduates from an ICECAP program, and I was very attracted to their apparent enthusiasm and zest for life - I desperately wanted whatever they had. Seeing the emotional pain that I was in at three months sober and the struggle I was experiencing, one of the graduates suggested that I try out the ICECAP program for 30 days. Secretly, I had already had the inclination to check it out, but due to my own self-loathing, I was too scared to inquire about it. But as soon as the validation came from a graduate that I might be a suitable candidate, my eyes started to glow, and the future looked bright. After a few weeks of ICECAP meetings, functions, "wedging," one-on-ones, hugs from attractive girls, and a wild Round Robin, I was sold. Well, almost. I still hadn't broken off totally from AA yet, and there was one person in particular fighting to keep me out of the ICECAP group, a girl who had spent some time in there a few years before and had some tremendous resentments and hostility towards the group. She prophetically advised me that if I went in that we wouldn't be allowed to be friends anymore and that my Higher Power would become the group, that I would be resigning my will over to the group for the direction I would take in my life. I thought she was being hysterical and making up wild black-helicopter, Branch Davidian type claims about this seemingly very pleasant and loving group. They seemed far more rational than her (keep in mind, I was barely sober), and she was so angry with me that it was not hard for me to dismiss my friendship with her when I decided to be a part of the group exclusively. I don't have any dramatic horror stories to describe about my experience in the group over the next 2.5 years, but I remembered everything my AA friend had told me before I went in - that I wouldn't be allowed to go to concerts, that I would have no control over my own dating situation and when given permission to date, that the group would decide who I would be allowed to date, that I would be discouraged from contacting any old friends, even completely normal ones with good jobs and college educations, that I would have no sort of independent social life, that my status on the social totem pole would be dictated totally by the whims of SC and the staff, and the list goes on ad infinitum. I thought she was insane, that nobody could possibly exert that amount of control over me. But all of these things and more came to pass, because I let them. My entire sense of self was dictated by how the group and the staff perceived me, and even though I often questioned my desire to remain a part of the group (I never once questioned my alcoholism), any real dialogue with which I attempted to engage with a sponsor in the group or a counselor was always spun to make me feel as if I was spiritually bankrupt and that if I decided to leave that I would probably wind up getting drunk, even though my intention had always been simply to return to AA meetings and to find an AA sponsor. Leaving the group before getting the "official" pat on the butt to go from the director was not approved of under any circumstances, based on my experience. If you were in OG, any desire to detach from the group would invariably mean that you would be homeless if you lived in an apartment (with five or six other people, lying to your landlord about the number of tenants completely with the endorsement of the staff, even though this is illegal), that you would lose any romantic relationship if your boyfriend/girlfriend was still in the group, and that you would be ostracized by the group at the subtle suggestion of staff (they would never blatantly tell anyone to shun those who "bailed," but they had no problems letting you know that they thought that people who bailed were "pieces of sh*t"), that you may lose your job if it was obtained through someone in the group or someone in parent group, and that if the staff had gotten in deep enough with your parents, that you may face homelessness at the suggestion from the counselors that your parents should exert "tough love" and not let you live with them. Because I was too much of a chicken sh*t to break free, I stuck around until they let me graduate, because I was terrified of the social consequences of leaving sooner. Hell, they even threw me a bone and let me be on SC for a little while after I showed enough devotion to the cause. During that wonderful period of my ICECAP experience I had the joy of sitting through those meaningful purposes where someone invariably got called out as the "f*cked-up" one and it would quickly turn into a big sobbing mess. I was too timid to ever get myself into that hot seat, so I just shut up and did what I was told - but it wasn't because I was doing so much better than the others - I just hid my stuff well enough that no one could ever really call me out on it. But I witnessed it all the time. I was terrified of being "that guy," so I never challenged or questioned anything - but in my gut I did all the time. Because of my tremendously low self-worth, the staff always knew that I would be a loyal servant and fall in line with whatever the direction was and never question anything - in truth I questioned a lot, but I was way too insecure to ever voice my sentiments. Since having graduated a few years back, I've discovered 2 kinds of graduates - those who have serious resentments towards the group, and those who are in denial about their serious resentments towards the group. At first, still being the highly sheepish type, I clung to my fellow graduates and some prior graduates that were still "loyal to the cause." It wasn't really what I wanted, but I was so socially retarded by living in the pretend world of the group that I didn't know what else to do. During the graduation process, we were advised that there were many people in AA who, not having had the privilege of our "more sober than thou" experience, would be ill qualified to be anything more than casual acquaintances at meetings. We were told that most AAs lack real depth of "principles" - they go to concerts, hang out in the city, associate with people who may have an occasional drink, don't like G.W. Bush, don't need to go on four dates to hold hands, share romantic feelings, become involved in outside activities, pursue non-treatment related careers, talk to licensed psychologists, etc. - these people were shallow and lacked a "real" program, we were told. Their sobriety was "unattractive," and we should avoid them at all costs. We should stand in judgment of them from our moral high ground. We were "first-class citizens." What a load. With some time and experience in AA, I've slowly started to let go of a lot of the old ways of thinking that were burned in for two and a half years. Much of the resentment has subsided, though not entirely. I have learned a lot about myself through all of this, and haven't had to drink over any of it, though I was close at times. I've watched as most of the people that I graduated with have slipped out of the program - some because they realized that they weren't alcoholic, some because their alcoholic resentment toward the group pushed them to drink. I don't feel sorry for those who left out of resentment towards the group, because AA offers a wonderful program to help overcome resentments, if one chooses to follow it. And those who discovered that they weren't alcoholic and who choose to drink occasionally are no less moral than me. Most will just go on and live their lives - some very productively. As far as me, I hope to stick around the tables of AA for some time to come because I definitely think I belong here. I've got a great AA sponsor who has never had any affiliation with the ICECAP groups and is totally willing to let me fall flat on my face without passing judgment on me - he's a man who shares his experience, strength and hope with me and shows me how to work the steps of AA (not some twisted hybrid), but never expects anything from me whatsoever. And he is clear to let me know that anytime I want out, I am free to go, no love lost. So today, sobriety really gets to be my choice. I still have a lot of ties to a lot of people from the group, and even a degree of affection for some of the people still in the group and even (gasp) on the staff. Some of my fellow graduates are more detached from the group than me, some less, and our feelings about the group are pretty varied - the general consensus for most of us, however, is one of gratitude for the fact that we're here and not there anymore. I'm still learning a lot about people, AA, the Steps, life in the "real" world, and how to trudge the road everyday. I'm also still unlearning a lot of things like judgmental thinking, comparative sobriety, racism, arrogance, and closed-mindedness. I've got a new Higher Power that doesn't sit in judgment of me when I occasionally flirt (ICECAP translation - "game") with a girl or choose to occasionally indulge in less than pure thoughts. I've got new friends, both in and out of the program, who have no connection whatsoever with the ICECAP groups. I'm going to a fairly liberal school which is showing me perspectives and ideas that I never even knew existed. And I've finally gotten enough balls to go to a concert again - the laughable irony about that is that most of the people that I'm going with are also graduates of the program who have solid amounts of time sober, and whose principles, in my esteemed opinion, are entirely intact. Pretty soon, a fresh crop of graduates will get pumped out into AA, the ones not quite "gnarly" enough to go to training. Within a few years, more than half of them won't be in AA any longer for whatever reason. The truth is, in my humble estimation, for all the so-called "silver platter" sobriety one gets in the group, once they come into AA, they have about as much a shot at long-term sobriety as anyone else out here, which is not much at all. The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and any sort of band-aid one tries to use to avert the pain will only be temporary - as my sponsor says, eventually we must stop trying to go around the pain and just simply go through the pain. There is a sober life after ICECAP if you want it - and it will be awkward, embarrassing, humbling, and sometimes painful - but it gets a lot better. And you get to live your life without wondering who's watching all the

[korkrunchcereal]

Check

"Knight takes Pawn." To say Aurelian was losing at this particular game of chess would be an understatement; he was being crushed, and badly at that. Though he had never been a master at is as others were, he at least had considered himself good at the game. That was until Illuria had challenged him anyways. The events of the ball were still fresh in Aurelian's mind; it had only been a day and already word and rumor had spread of a thousand and one different ideas and plots.

Aurelian tapped his fingers as he leaned forward in his chair, eyes on the chess board. They played upon the balcony overlooking the waterfront, the sun kept behind the felstorm that sat above the center of the palace. Across from him Illuria held that damnable smirk, her man servant Balor waiting at her side. He briefly looked up at her, tentatively moving one of his pieces.

"Rook takes pawn. Check." Rather than fading, Illuria's smirk only grew, acting immediately with a near predatory swiftness.

"Bishop takes Rook."

"Queen takes knight. Check."

"Queen takes queen."

"Bishop takes pawn."

"Knight takes pawn. Checkmate." Aurelian blinked in surprise, looking at the board. How in the world did she have checkmate? His eyes followed to where his king was. There was the pawn, but he could move it...no he couldn't. His king was trapped, with nowhere to go. With a defeated sigh he tipped his king over.

"You win, Lady Indaris." Balor moved forward then, grabbing the pieces and setting them into the way they were. Aurelian admired the craftsmanship of the pieces, for they have been carved into the likeness of various Nightborne features.

"You got greedy at the end; you made a slow defeat become quick for yourself. I believe they call that arrogant." Aurelian waved a hand dismissively as he leaned back in his chair, looking towards the water.

"Have you heard anything about the Ball?" Aurelian asked, changing the subject from the topic of his defeat so as not to dwell on it. Illuria motioned her hand towards the board, causing Aurelian to raise his own. "A break for now, my lady."

"Very well, and as a matter of fact I have."

"And?"

"The assassin was working alone, posing as one of the servants for the evening. They found one of their bodies hidden in a cupboard, along with a Dusk Lily."

"A Dusk Lily? I'm not familiar with the flower."

"It's a flower that often holds magical usage, and so is popular amidst our people. It is the symbol of the resistance currently due to its leader, a former advisor to the Grand Magistrix. As suspected however, it seems the assassination was the work of the rebels."

"Did they find Lord Vrayne's killer, or did they escape?"

"Escaped." Aurelian considered informing Illuria of having seen the assassin on the balcony shortly after the murder, then thought against it once more.

"That's good then, is it not?" Illuria pondered over that, before shaking her head. "No?"

"Yes and no. Lord Vrayne's work would have proved detrimental towards the rebel cause, and without him the design of it will be delayed considerably. It does however put everyone on edge...and brings the attention of the demons."

"And are they certain it was merely one person?"

"The demons I hear were quite thorough in their interrogation. Let's just say Lord Erimonte is in need of a few new servants." Aurelian grimaced at the grim news; no doubt those interrogated were tortured and killed. He quickly changed the subject, not wishing to dwell on such ill thoughts. While he did not think twice about killing those necessary, he did not care for senseless killing.

"I saw lord Vaol at the Ball; I did not know he had been invited." Illuria paused for a moment before nodding, hands folding across her lap.

"Yes he was."

"Who is he, exactly? He knows both you and lord Erimonte, apparently well enough to be allowed entry in Erimonte's estate."

"He is a friend to our house, and to the house of Erimonte."

"Anything else? When we spoke it was as if he was familiar to me...like I had known him all my life and yet I could not place why."

"He has that effect on people. Lord Vaol is a man I would advise to stay as far away from as you can, blood of my blood. He is older than most that dwell in Suramar. He is even older than I am."

"Really?" She nodded at that.

"Yes, and with that age comes wisdom, cunning, and a ruthless drive. He has remained alive because he embodies all of these for countless centuries. Many a foe of his house has been vanquished due to his guile." Aurelian mused over that, frowning. He had guessed the man was ancient, and had at least surmised a colder aspect to him.

"I did not speak with him long, for we were interrupted by Lady Stargrove."

"Ah yes; I saw you two dance. For being an outlander, you danced remarkably well. It's a shame your talent with the arcane is so woefully lacking, for you could have made it even better. Still, it was the talk of the ball. Well, apart from the murder of course." Aurelian raised his brow at that; it was not the first time she had voiced displeasure at his lack of arcane skills.

"She seemed to be impressed enough by me. I was invited to join her for wine afterwards." Illuria raised a brow at that, before a smirk fell over her features.

"Did she?"

"Yes. We spoke for some length and I told her that her company had been a great pleasure. She suggested we continue to share in such pleasures at a later time." Illuria blinked at that, before chuckling softly to herself.

"It's good she was pleased with your company. I recommend taking her up on it, or at least the conversation part of that invitation."

"It wouldn't be anything else." Illuria gave him a skeptical look before shrugging her shoulders.

"So you say. However it provides us with an opportunity we were lacking."

"And that is?"

"Lady Stargrove, as a captain within the Suramar guard force, is privy to information many are unable to access. Patrols, supplies, plans of the legion; all the things a military commander needs, and a rebel army wants."

"And you believe I will be able to find out these things?"

"If your tongue is as good as your dancing skills, then quite possibly." Aurelian narrowed his eyes, staring at Illuria to see if she had meant something else with her comment.

"Then you have not to worry; I am quite good with my tongue."

"I am sure Lady Stargrove will find out soon enough. Balor, fetch us some tea will you." She snapped her fingers, causing the man to give a quick bow before departing.

"What of your brother in all of this? You told me I was here to assist in taking down Corvayon and yet I have barely interacted with the man."

"For now, that is correct. I wanted you to see the Nightborne culture first, and explore it in depth. Now the real challenge begins. Corvayon is attempting to take a seat amidst the inner circle of the Magistrix' council. Currently, Lord Erimonte is one of those that reside amongst this council. Several seats have opened up thanks to the rebels, and my brother has been seeking Erimonte's aid in securing it."

"What makes you say that?"

"My conversation with Erimonte at the ball as well as several others in attendance suggested as much. If my brother takes that position he will lead this house into ruin alongside the magistrix. If we weaken his position, it will allow someone more sensible to take the seat."

"You, I presume." She smiled at that, nodding her head slightly.

"Good, you caught on. That is correct; I’ve been speaking with Erimonte for some time to try and win him over, though it's been tough. Corvayon has been whispering in his ear, promising friendship from the cup of lies. While I speak amongst the nobility to earn their support, you will need to undermine from the bottom. Whatever information you find out with Lady Stargrove may prove useful in this endevor. We need to make Corvayon seem incompetent; false information would do the trick. Convince him to support attacks that are fruitless, embarass him publicly; that sort of thing."

"And how would you get him to believe it?"

"I know my brother well enough, so leave that to me. Ah, there you are Balor." The man had returned, carrying a tray that held a tea pot, two cups and saucers and sugar. He placed the tray on a nearby table, before giving both Aurelian and Illuria their tea cups. "Sugar?"

"Yes please." Aurelian watched as the man poured his tea, before grabbing the sugar with a spoon. "Just the one scoop, thank you." He took a sip, making a satisfied hum.

"And now do you see why I did not invite Gardesia here. She is a charming girl to be sure but I gathered she lacks a certain...subtlety that would have ruined all of this." Aurelian gave a hesitant nod to that; Illuria was correct of course. Gardesia despite her predicament had more morales then most living. She undoubtedly would have never agreed to much of what has been happening.

"I suppose I should write to lady Stargrove then." Aurelian stated.

"Indeed you should. It is rude after all to keep a lady waiting, and Stargrove is not known for her patience."

"Before that however, shall we play one more match? I feel I can win this time." Aurelian placed his tea down, staring at the board.

"Confident are we? Very well. Don't worry, I'll make this quick for you."

 That night, Aurelian's dream was new. He was not in front of the engraved door, but rather before a throne that seemed to ooze blood. Upon it sat a large and powerful figure, his face hidden behind a demonic mask carved in ebony. The figure rose, near nude save a loincloth tied around his waist. The man's skin was pure gold as he clasped Aurelian's shoulder.

The figure must have been speaking for he gestured with his hand, but Aurelian could not hear. He turned to face where the figure pointed, gasping. It was a table filled with masked nobles, many of which Aurelian recognized. There was Lord Vrayne, a crossbow bolt protruding from his back. Beside him sat Lord Erimonte and Lady Stargrove, and a dozen more beside them. They all beckoned to an open chair at the far end, which seemed to call to Aurelian. He found himself gravitating towards it, even though he tried to stop otherwise. There was lady Illuria, standing behind it as she pulled out the chair.

The demon faced man walked with him, seemingly talking but remaining quiet. There was something wrong about all of this, something that made Aurelian's skin crawl. A chill ran up his spine as he looked at the table, and upon the plates before each person. There was a single lily on each plate, rotten and withering before his very eyes. Aurelian suddenly stopped, his body held with incredible force. He did not remember turning, but found himself face to face with the demonic face. Though it was a mask it moved, and it spoke.

"Run."

[sophygurl]

Beyond the Fix or How do I Live This F***ing Life? - WisCon 41 panel write-up

These tend to be long and only of interest to specific segments of folk so click the clicky to read.

Disclaimers:

I hand write these notes and am prone to missing things, skipping things, writing things down wrong, misreading my own handwriting, and making other mistakes. So this is by no means a full transcript.

Corrections, additions, and clarifications are most welcome. I’ve done my best to get people’s pronouns and other identifiers correct, but please do let me know if I’ve messed any up. Corrections and such can be made publicly or privately on any of the sites I’m sharing these write-ups on(tumblr and dreamwidth for full writings, facebook and twitter for links), and I will correct ASAP.

My policy is to identify panelists by the names written in the programming book since that’s what they’ve chosen to be publicly known as. If you’re one of the panelists and would prefer something else - let me know and I’ll change it right away.

For audience comments, I will only say general “audience member” kind of identifier unless the individual requests to be named.

Any personal notes or comments I make will be added in like this [I disagree because blah] - showing this was not part of the panel vs. something like “and then I spoke up and said blah” to show I actually added to the panel at the time.

Beyond the Fix or How do I Live This F***ing Life?

Moderator: R. Elena Tabachnick. Panelists: Kate Carey, Shayla D, Jesse the K, Lenore Jean Jones

#BeyondTheFix - for some good livetweets and resources

The panel started out with some good-natured joking about the moderator being late for reasons having to do with the panel topic and how they’d just get started. 

Jesse introduced herself by saying “I’m a loud mouth”, as well as talking about how she’s been coming to WisCon for a long time and worked with others on improving access at the con and has watched how WisCon has improved and embraced better understandings around disability over the years.

Kate introduced herself by saying this was her 4th WisCon and that the membership assistance fund is what allowed her to get to her 1st one. She’s a champion of talking about invisible disabilities, and as a larger woman she gets especially tired of people who say “well if you exercises more...” [hear hear Kate!]

Lenore introduced herself by telling us this was her 20th WisCon, that she is Hard of Hearing but passes as hearing, and also that she is depressed. She touched on how depression is often co-morbid with other disabilities, or is often exacerbated by other disabilities.

Shayla introduced herself as someone who is both disabled and taking care of her mom who is disabled. Shayla talked about how she is just blind enough that she can’t drive but not blind enough that anyone gives her any money for it. When her pain symptoms were growing, she had doctors tell her it was all in her head, and once it was diagnosed, she was like “why yes, the cause was in my pituitary gland which is in my head thanks!” 

Elena came in during the intros so was able to give hers at the end of this - she has a rare genetic disease, but insurance won’t pay for the genetic testing to confirm this. She never thought of herself as disabled, as she’s had this since she was a kid. She didn’t have a diagnosis, so everyone just thought she was weird. She kept getting more disabled, and had to keep giving up more things. 

Right now she can’t leave her house for long, she can’t wear shoes or socks. It took her a long time to call herself disabled, but now she loves the identity - it helps to be able to say this about herself. 

Jesse talked about having had mental health issues “since jump”, but that she didn’t know it was something that could be dealt with. In her 20′s, she started having pain everywhere and was diagnosed with fibro and cfs. Eventually, she stopped working and got to have the Disabled label. 

She has also worked with Blind and Deaf communities and realized how much assistive technology and community can help. She applied that to herself, and realized how much using a wheelchair could help her. She was waiting for some authority figure to give her the Disabled label, but finally just took it and claimed it for herself. 

A big change came when Jesse realized she didn’t have to be independent but could be interdependent.  [I have a buncha stars and underlines in my notes right here - thanks Jesse!]

Kate talked about struggles she’s had because when she was “just fat”, she didn’t want that identity to define her life or limit her. Then she became sick and wanted to feel the same way about that but her symptoms included being unable to breathe and she had doctors telling her to lose weight. She felt like fatness was seen as a moral failing. She felt ashamed and at fault for her own sickness. 

She realized she was willing to go to bat for friends, for example, who smoked and had COPD - but when it came to defending herself, it was another issue. At first she took on the label of “sick” but not “disabled” because sickness was something you could get better from. WisCon has been helpful to Kate in accepting disability. 

Shayla talked about how her first neurological disorder was something that happened primarily to fat people. She found her family blamed one another for making her fat, and therefore causing her blindness. Her stance was - who cares how I got this way, this is now, let’s deal with it. 

Shayla likes to pop out her white cane because her other disabilities are invisible, but when she uses the white cane, she’s more visible as disabled. When people tell her “you don’t look blind”, she replies “you didn’t look like an asshole...” (general laughing from the audience).

She talked about wanting something like a “crip card” to be able to show to people to prove she’s really disabled. Much laughter and discussion ensues on this topic.

Lenore talked about having impostor syndrome around disability; being “not disabled enough” or “not Deaf enough”. 

At this point, a funny conversation happens around the live captioning of the panel and how other panelists are reading over Lenore’s shoulder in fascination as their own words scroll by.

Lenore continued with a story about talking with Jesse and apologizing for not being able to hear her and Jesse telling her not to say sorry about that and how much it meant to her. She didn’t know she was Deaf until she was 15, so she had subconsciously learned to lip read. 

Shayla said - instead of apologizing, say “thank you for being patient with me” and referenced a comic online on the topic (check the hashtag - it’s linked to a couple of times). 

An audience member brought up that all of this apologizing in regards to our disabilities has to do with the social model of disability.

Elena talked about having to say no to things and how adopting the Disabled label helped to give her permission to do that. Before that, she was broken and felt at fault.

Kate talked about how our self-worth is based on our ability to work and contribute something to society. She stated that she could work under some very specific circumstances, but even then she would lose much needed benefits. She gets told “if you just had more gumption!” We apologize because our disabilities are seen as a moral failing. 

[Kate then made some comments comparing abelism to racism which felt a lil oppression olympic-ey to me in regards to wishing people could see disabilities as just a part of who we are the way race is. My personal thought on this is that there absolutely are people who see poc as having a moral failing due to their race, as well, so I get where Kate was trying to take this analogy but I feel like most analogies of this kind tend to fall apart on further inspection. Another comment was about how she strives to do colorblind reading so she isn’t taking the author’s race into account when choosing a book or while reading it, which again, I think is a very well-meant intention but that taken in practice as a whole would end up with many poc authors not being read because publishing and marketing practices are already set up against them so if we don’t specifically make attempts to read more books written by poc - we won’t be finding as many of them to read. 

I discussed this with Kate afterwards and she agrees that the analogy falls apart and wishes she’d phrased things differently, just FYI.]

Somewhere in there, Shayla made her patented case against kale-pushers and I jumped in to add “well if you Deep Fry the kale...”

(Either Elena or Lenore, my handwriting is not clear here) said that if people blame us for our disabilities, it allows them to believe that it won’t happen to them.

Jesse brought up the role capitalism plays in all of this, and how it’s not a good system. Also the failure of the medical system - it doesn’t work for people like us, so we annoy them. Additionally, some spiritual traditions have the idea of health as being a gift from God, so what does that mean for those of us who don’t have it?

Shayla talked about social issues involved when you have to cancel on friends so many times that they give up on you.

Elena talked about her dislike of the Paralympics - not the people who do it, but the cultural stuff around it as “inspirational.” This allows people to think that even if they do become disabled, they can be one of those ones who can do all this other stuff. 

Often, even if fiction, you only know a character is disabled due to the occasional mention of their wheelchair - otherwise they’re described exactly like the other characters. They never get tired, need downtime, require help with transfers or bathing, etc. It’s not a realistic portrayal of disability.

She added on to what Shayla had said above saying that she has difficulty socializing because she can’t leave her house. 

Kate talked about how online gaming helps her - she can interact with people on her own terms. She talks about “painsomnia” [ha! yes! great word!] and how she is often up at random times and being able to socialize online at those times helps. 

Kate and Lenore both agree that the word “should” is toxic. 

Kate said another helpful aspect of the gaming was that she found games she was good at. She was good at her job and losing that was hard, so finding something else she could feel proud of herself about has helped a lot. The fact that this is something that isn’t valued by society is frustrating.

She revisited the topic beforehand about inspiration porn and said it’s not even about the disabled person really, but about the abled people around them. 

Kate talked about giving herself a gold star some days just for getting out of bed, or getting dressed, etc. She talked about her “standing skills” as another thing society doesn’t value enough.

Jesse discussed how she has coped over the years by waving her hand up and down. She defined herself as a brain in a jar who could learn things - and then that was the last thing that she lost. She has coped in part by splitting herself somewhat mentally from past selves and can look back and say that she is so glad to know that person that could do those things without that being a judgement on who she is today. [my notes at this point read “me: crying” because I was sobbing my eyes out at the wisdom of this that I desperately needed]

Lenore said she is still working on that whole gold star thing. She is trying to reframe things from “I ought to be able to...” to “this is what I can do now.” [phew! yea.]

Elena talked about still doing the grief thing and how depression is connected to not being able to do things. [my notes: the grief never fully stops]

She talked about being in an online writing community but how she isn’t writing now, and re: Kate’s gaming thing - she is still seeking that thing that she’s good at and can do.

Kate said it’s okay to grieve it the same way you would the loss of a family member. Grief continues on but it’s not always as hard as it is at first all of the time.

An audience member talked about how all they can currently do is work and sleep and how to survive if they can’t get disability. They are worried because they need insurance but can’t work full time - when do they reach a point where they can apply for disability? The panelists all answer pretty much together that it sounds like they already ARE at that point - it’s time to start applying. Fill out the forms for your worst days, not your best - that’s a common mistake.

The audience member said their doctor tells them “well you’ve managed so far...” I and other audience members and the panelists all agree - then they need a new doctor! 

Jesse emphasized that the system has failed us, not the other way around. 

Kate brought up the ticket to work program and told the audience member to start the disability process now so they don’t get stranded. [v. good advice]

Elena talked about getting a geriatric doctor if you can because they’re less concerned with issues around weight loss and about fixing you - they know you’re going to die anyway so shrug. (big laugh)

There’s a moment where everyone sings Jesse’s praises as someone who is both a good resource on how to manage this stuff on a personal level and as someone who has good resources for others. I nodded emphatically through all of this and here’s another great thing about Jesse - instead of deflecting, she just smiled and took the compliments. What a good role model! 

Shayla talked about her struggles with being able to work for awhile, then crashing, being homeless, being able to work for awhile, rinse repeat and having people say “well you can work...”

(Edited to add at Shayla’s request that she also said “I COULD work... If it was at a job I could do in the dark, on my back, *legally*. (Hell, illegally has crossed​ my mind many a time.)”)

Kate talked about how applying for disability is work. 

Shayla talked about the difficulty in not knowing how she’s going to feel day to day, even minute to minute. 

Lenore stressed the importance of asking for things that we need. 

I added from the audience that to add to the list of toxic words - “burden”. Thinking of ourselves that way makes it hard to ask for what we need. 

Jesse talked about how giving is a help too. So asking for help allows other people to give in that way. 

Kate said that love is asking for help, because it shows that we’re putting our trust in them.

An audience member talked about The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability as being a beneficial resource to reclaiming their sexuality.

Another audience member talked about a youtuber - ability powered - a disabled gamer who likes to help other disabled folk in gaming.

Someone else from the audience talked about having a sister who is disabled who she lives far away from and wants to know how to help. 

Kate stressed listening and acknowledging. Ask what she is doing not how she is doing. Sometimes the best thing is getting to vent to someone who isn’t the same three people she talks to everyday [yes, this!]. It can be really helpful to be asked if you want to vent or need help problem solving - or even do you just want me to do the talking for awhile. 

An audience member offered that arranging for things like prepared meal deliveries and cleaning can be of use.

Kate said framing things like the above as “I want to do this for you” so they feel better about accepting it. She also added that she enjoys skyping with people she doesn’t get to visit with so she can actually see them.

Kate talked about having to skype to her mother’s funeral and how at least she was able to be part of it in that way. She also brought up FB live as ways to take disabled people to things they couldn’t otherwise go to.

An audience member also stressed the importance of knowing the people in their lives WILL say no if they can’t, which makes it easier to ask them. They can trust them to be honest about their limits.

Lenore emphasized offering to just hang out with someone and not talk if they don’t have the energy to talk - just be there with them.

We hit overtime for the panel and Kate said “I just have a few more things” - at which point I lol’ed (having paneled with Kate before) and closed my notebook so I don’t recall what those few more things were - sorry!

But do check the hashtag for this one, as folks did add many of the resources that were brought up during the panel. 

[thefairefolk-rp]

Welcome, Rachel! Your application for Asa Moon has been accepted!

OOC INFORMATION: Name/Nickname: Rachel, though I often go by Rae Age: 18 Preferred Pronouns: she/her Timezone: CET (I’m in Germany) Activity and Availability: I’d say for sure a solid 7, and possibly an 8. I may not be on at the same time as others due to time zones, but I’ll do my best to respond promptly! Have you read the rules and FAQ? Yes IC INFORMATION: Desired Character: Lady Asa Moon Second Choice Character: Indigo Bell What made you choose this character?: I love the idea of a moral person in a corrupt court, who is standing up against what they know is wrong. Also, the Nighthawks sound totally epic. Are there any changes you would like to make?: If it lines up with what you have already decided and what we talked about, I’d like to add to the last paragraph of her background (though if not it’s totally fine). Something along these lines (this is how I wrote it in my notes, and I added the last sentence afterwards): Only a few members of the Nighthawks know that Asa is the one who founded and is in command of the secret network of rebels. Her identity is a closely guarded secret which is only shared when necessary, as the advantage of having a hand in court can not be overestimated. Even those who know her true identity keep her two lives separate. Their leader is known only to them and the outside world as Lady Nighthawk. And so Lady Moon bides her time, playing the loyal servant and waiting for a time to strike. Questions/Comments: I nearly screamed with excitement when I read about the City in Chains event, so I’m already way too invested in this character. Thank you so much for answering my questions, and I can’t wait to develop her more! Writing Sample: (I kinda got carried away, sorry! Feel free to put this under a read more if you want)

Lady Asa Moon studied her surroundings as she sipped from a crystal chalice. The Full Moon Banquet was in full swing, with Lords and Ladies conversing loudly, minstrels playing jauntily, and food being added to the tables as soon as a plate was emptied. Despite the black stone of the Great Hall being lit only by the candelabras and a few torches, it seemed bright and lively - almost festive, which was something Asa had never thought the Unseelie Court could be.

She was pulled out of her reverie as her neighbor, Lady Amberbelle, turned to face her. “Isn’t it a wonderful party?” She gushed. “King Oberon hosts only the best, of course. But I do think this is one of his finer accomplishments, although I don’t even want to think of the expenses. And the best part of it all is that we get to sit at the table directly left of the King!!”

“His Royal Highness has indeed been most gracious,” Asa replied, nodding at her fellow noblewoman. Although his intentions in having all the unmarried Ladies sit near to him might be less so, she thought wryly. She turned to look at the man they were speaking of, ignoring her fellow guest as the woman prattled on. The King was in fine spirits this evening, seeming almost jovial as he spoke with those around him. Even his Queen looked less bloodthirsty then usual.

Suddenly, the sound of the grand doors opening cut through the hubbub. It silenced all but the most drunken revelers, who were quickly shushed by those around them. A member of the Unseelie Knights entered, followed closely by the King’s Master of Appointments, Lord Tirell, and a fae man who had long before entered his elder years. All eyes followed them as they made their way past the long tables up to the dais where the royal family sat. Lord Tirell bowed quickly, huffing from the effort of moving his considerable girth so quickly, while the knight bowed from the waist for the required five heartbeats and then rose, saying, “My apologies, your Highness, but this man requested to see you. He refused to be deterred.”

“I tried to stop him, your majesty,” Lord Tirell added, sniffing disapprovingly. “The man is persistent. He just kept coming back and demanding that I allow him to take first place on your long line of appointments. But there is only so much I can do.”

King Oberon nodded at the two. “Let this persistent man speak.”

As soon as the two had stepped to the side the old man rushed forward, practically falling into a bow, hands and knees pressed against the black marble floor. “I beg you to forgive my intrusion, your Majesty,” he said, his raspy voice carrying through the room. Asa remained outwardly composed, though she wanted to cringe. No man should ever have to grovel before another. The man continued, ignorant of Asa’s inner discontent. “If it please your highness, I would like to request the release of my son. He was taken by the Unseelie Knights a fortnight ago, and I have been waiting for an audience with your majesty every day hence. His elder mother and I were hoping that we could fall upon your majesty’s generosity and that he might be able to come home and enjoy this feast day with his family.” The man lowered his white head so that it nearly touched the stone beneath him and waited with bated breath - as did the rest of the court.

King Oberon sat in silence for a moment, drumming his long fingers against the table. “What crime was your son arrested for?”

The man gulped audibly. “For publicly agreeing to unspeakable rumors about your majesty.”

The silence was broken by gasps and murmurs, but quickly returned as King Oberon raised a hand. “I think I know the prisoner of whom you speak. What is the lad’s name?”

“Flax Bromwen, my lord,” the man replied, looking up at his King for the first time.

“Yes, that’s the one.” The King snapped his fingers, and a knight was at his side instantly. “Bring this man’s son to me. Now.” The knight bowed and rushed off. Oberon gestured at the man kneeling before him. “You may rise, Sir Bromwen.”

“I’m no sir, your highness, but I thank you all the same.” The old man struggled to his feet, aided by the knight who still stood near him. Lord Tirell was not much help, merely fluttering his pudgy hands anxiously.

The Unseelie court waited for a few - awkward - minutes, in which King Oberon returned to eating his food and the rest of the room stayed silent, all focused on the drama unfolding. The next loud sound was the grand doors opening once again, and the young prisoner’s chained wrists clanking as he was lead forward. When he reached the space before the dais he was pushed into his knees. Father and son shared anxious glances, then turned to wait upon the King.

Oberon finished his mouthful of food and took a long drought of wine before looking at the figures in front of him. “You are very lucky to have such a loving father, Flax Bromwen. Not only has he waited to speak with me on your behalf, he had begged for me to give you mercy. Tell me, what caused you to commit the crime you are accused of?”

The man - barely more then a sapling, Asa guessed - looked at his father, then back at the King. “I was trying to relax after a long day of harvesting, your majesty, and I got carried away with how much I had to drink. I barely remember what I said, honest.”

“He has only just become an Aphen, my lord,” the elder Bromwen interjected, confirming Asa’s suspicions. “He does not know any better yet.”

“I see.” Oberon took another sip of his wine. “You are aware that the standard punishment for your crime is hanging, correct?” The boy nodded, his back stiffening. How small and frail he looks, Asa thought, hoping against hope that perhaps the sentence would be changed. “However, out of consideration to this celebrated feast day, and out of respect for your elder father’s request, I proclaim that your sentence shall be-”

He paused, and it seemed as though the room itself held its breath.

“Your immediate death.” He gestured with a single finger, and before anyone else had time to react, Captain Ryder of the Unseelie Knights had leapt from her place behind the King, stalked over to the young Bromwen, and slit his throat.

A moment passed.

Then a smattering of applause and laughter broke out among the assembled Sidhe. It gradually grew louder until the whole room was applauding the King’s decision. Asa Moon clapped as enthusiastically as those around her, but her face could have been carved from marble as she watched the elder Bromwen sink to his knees, covered by a spray of his own son’s blood. She barely registered when the clapping began to die down as King Oberon spoke again.

“As for you, Sir Bromwen,” he said, a cruel smile growing. “You will go to my dungeons. I am sure you will get as warm a welcome there as you did here.” He waited until two knights had grabbed the now limp man, then added, “While you’re at it, take those who brought the old fellow in, your fellow knight and Lord Tirell, and have them hung at the earliest possible convenience.”

“But - your majesty!” The guard pushed past his comrades who had attempted to grab him. Lord Tirell merely stood there in shock, gaping like an oversized fish. “I have only ever been a loyal servant of the Unseelie Crown! What is the charge against me, and against your Master of Appointments?”

King Oberon lowered the chalice he had been about to drink from. “Interrupting my feast, of course.”

There was a split second of silence as the man was seized and the King drunk his wine, until Lord Caraway rose from his seat near the King and lifted his own chalice. “To our King, and his gracious and merciful judgement! Long may he reign!”

The entire room resounded with the cry, and after the toast, a roar of approval. Lords and Ladies cheered loudly and continued toasting their King as the three men were dragged from the hall - one because he was too weak to stand, one because he was too bewildered, and the third because he fought the entire way.

Lady Asa Moon applauded loudly, but only took her eyes off them after the doors had slammed shut, sealing their doom. A strange buzzing filled her ears, blocking out all of the noise around her. She was only able to focus on the King, who leaned over and murmured to his captain, “Find the rest of the family Bromwen, and kill them as well.” Without waiting for the confirmation that was inevitably given, he turned back to his cheering court, accepting their adoration with a regal nod and a smile.

Asa continue to clap, though her mind was racing. This is what is considered - even condoned - as justice?! What kind of world have we created that we applaud the death of innocents? She gazed around the room again, observing the laughter and enjoyment that was evident on each face. It has not even crossed their minds that this might be wrong. Lady Moon quickly broke off her applause so she could raise her chalice to her lips to hide the anger that was forming. She alone stood against the overwhelming approval of the twisted politics of the Unseelie Court. Something must be done, she thought. Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority believe it to be right. And if no one else is willing to rise up against them and right the wrongs they have chosen to blindly applaud, then it seems I must.