#I am going to journal my thoughts and conclusions on this later today

[lunasilvis]

Honest girl to girl talk yesterday about why we always strive for power positions has been my heart's catharsis for this year

[frozenwrites]

01:00 - 5/6/23

Today’s song: Valerie - Amy Winehouse

Dear diary, I missed you.

A heavy weekend followed by what I’m sure will be a very long week. I think I’m long overdue for a night at my desk, pouring my thoughts out with music playing in the background so I don’t go insane. In the endeavor of taking my mind off my troubles, I want to write about the things that have been on my mind for a long time now, like my recent adventures in reading! Before that, however, let me tell you, dear old diary, about brains. 

I’ve always been fascinated by human cognition, not only because I often struggle to understand my own thoughts and actions, but because I’m sure everybody else does, too. I believe it was the great mathematician Ian Stewart who once said that if our brains were simple enough to understand themselves, we’d be far too simple to understand them; and if that sounds like a paradox, just bear with me. Our brains have been evolving over as many years as we’ve existed on earth, and it’s commonly believed that at some point, they allowed us to develop the ability that would distinguish us not only as a species, but also as individuals: reasoning. We can detect causality as well as effect, we have foresight, and the tendency to retrospect and introspect and pursue aims more sophisticated than mere survival - we just all happen to do it in vastly different ways. 

A few days ago, we buried my dear grandfather and held a long funeral over the course of which I got to thinking about old people, those whom we can very easily think of as time travelers- seeing how they all come from eras very different to our own. It’s often hard for us to comprehend their actions, why they were that certain way, or how they could have possibly thought they were doing the right thing. I used to tell myself that it was simply because they’d come from different times and settings than I was familiar with, but then again, even when they were young, they weren’t always in agreement with their peers. At least, no more so than you or I are with those ridiculous folks on twitter threads, right? The truth is that people have always been different, our minds tend to paint the world in unique ways that suggest that no other point of view could possibly have it right. 

I’m certainly no exception to that; over the years, I’ve always had trouble responding to personal development (self-help) books. I tried reading for the likes of Carnegie and Sharma and all the other giants of the genre but with very little in the way of results. There’s just something about other people telling me how to think that immediately gets my mind to clam up and reject all but their vaguest, least detailed advice. That’s not uncommon, it’s simply because I’m not at all a semantic person; I need to analyze and come to my own conclusions if I want to learn anything. I know people who need rigid facts and tangible evidence to ignite their cognition, and who am I to say that they’re learning wrong? 

Back to the topic at hand, though. When this year started, I resolved to diversify my reading spectrum, which meant including more nonfiction. I started exploring older tomes, like the meditations of the stoic emperor, Marcus Aurelius, and the art of war by Sun Tzu and the book of five rings by Miyamoto Musashi. I often chuckled at myself for being so deeply engrossed in what was essentially the journal of a Japanese swordsman from half a millennium ago, but I just couldn’t help but be mesmerized by the thoughts and ruminations of these remarkable people. I later expanded to the memoirs and documentations of other, more recent figures ranging from Howard Hughes to Joseph “the elephant man” Merrick. Even tonight, as I’m writing this, I have on my desk a book that is just a large collection of interviews with famous authors. All of this has served to keep my enchantment not only with human brains, but also with the human people who didn’t restrict theirs. Some days, I find myself smiling as I ponder how I compare to them; The writers and philosophers, artists and eccentrics of today and of all the years gone by. The ones who embraced their individuality and realized, probably earlier than most, that life is too short not to be lived to the fullest.

[gloriousladycrusade]

Chapter 2: Finally the magical time travel-ish {Chapter 1}

Chapter Text

I awoke jumping up from my bed lacking sleep as I usually have woken up, but these times I have tears in my eyes and they feel sore. I looked around to see my room, but a major thing was missing, the photo I held of my son smiling and the journal of the stories we exchanged during his last moments.

I immediately jumped up rummaging my room trying to find the most important items I own, could someone have stolen them?! I heard someone knocking on my door.

I was blinded by frustration, anger, and grief. I violently slid the door open causing a very loud thud of it hitting the wall, expecting a watcher or Caramel Arrow only to see no one until I looked down.

I saw my son, as a child, afraid, with tears brimming from his eyes, I was washed with regret and confusion.

I fell to my knees very vexed and had too many thoughts spinning in my head if I finally broke and am hallucinating. I was at the point of tearing up again, thinking the world has played some twisted joke upon me.

I was proven wrong when I felt small hands wiping the tears that were apparently falling from my face. I had apparently shed tears without me knowing again. “Father! Are you okay?!” I didn’t say anything, I just embraced my son. Hopeful it wasn't a some twisted illusion or a nightmare.

I can’t tell if I lost it or that it was a very long nightmare, I don’t care to know which one, I pray this is no trick. I let go and looked back down to see my son who is now very much alive but now a child. I don’t know when this was, was he brought back or did I really get a 2nd chance?

I realized he was looking at me worried and confused at my state. “Father, what's wrong?” I had nearly forgotten what he sounded like as a child, he sounded like any other child filled with life and determination. Right now however, he sounds really worried about me.

I did not deserve his love for me, I neglected the responsibility of a father and taught him how to survive and protect others, never did I teach him how to appreciate and love those he protected and survived for.

All that he had gotten when he left was how cold and grueling this kingdom was to him, nothing more. I spaced out again, and never really assured my situation, he was brimming in tears either still or because of my concerning actions.

“Father?” I gave a small pat on his head “I’m.. not feeling the best today, forgive me for scaring you earlier son.” He looked up with the same expression still “Did anything stress you again?”

Right, this was me being delved into my responsibility as a king. I shook my head, I was far more disturbed by other things that were worse. “No, I..” I tried to find what to say to no avail.

I merely just walk back to my bed, sliding the door back closed and sitting down on the bed checking one last time that this isn’t a hallucination or some type or cruel trick. My son followed me but did not sit next to me, instead he merely just waited in front of me.

I gestured to him that he could sit down. He does sit down next to me, I think he was quite reluctant about it. “I- please, if this isn’t real, please tell me…” I looked back at him and he was probably thinking about what to say, he was smart and mature for his age, I await his response.

After a short silence “I’m pretty sure I’m real, unless we’re both dreaming,” He lays down on bed “Did you have a nightmare father?” I really do not know, I just hope not, that would be the worst conclusion.

“I don’t know, what is the date today?” I said looking at him, he looked more worried than scared a while ago, tilting his head in confusion. “Well, it’s, ~~~~” He sits back up to look at me and points somewhere in the room “there’s also that calendar you have”

I looked at the general area he pointed to and saw a calendar, I got rid of it later on at one point forgetting I even had one. I just give a frustrated sign trying to rack my mind back together.

I can hear him rustling and moving, I was too busy thinking. What happened? How did this happen? How did I possibly get far back? I felt multiple taps on my shoulder that I subconsciously ignored to delve into thought. “Dad”

I sort of slightly jerked my head up, I haven’t heard him call me that in a long time, it was usually only father. I looked down on him to see what he had to say. “Um- I mean father,” I visibly frowned, I was frowning at myself and what caused him to just state me as father and only father.

I shook my head “No, dad or whatever you feel like calling me is okay.” He stopped being tense and nodded back in slight relief at me. “Do you want to talk about it, Dad?”

I finally realized how bad I was with emotions and everything about it, even though I wanted to, I have no idea how to. “I…really don’t know how to” He tilted his head again looking at me, “Hmm, well I can just ask questions that can help you talk about it?”

I just sighed again and nodded, not really knowing what to do after. “What’s bothering you right now?” I was very hesitant to say it, what else can I say?

“I.. you,” He looked confused and somewhat hurt “I’m bothering you?” “No! You’re not bothering me, I… something happened to you” His look of concern was back “In your dream?” I really have no idea what to say or react, how am I supposed to say my situation without sounding deranged?

I stayed quiet for a while “hopefully, it was all a dream…” He stared at me in silence, I didn’t even look him in the eyes, I just looked down. He moved to sit next to me, placing a pillow on my lap and laying his head on said pillow, and looked up at me.

“Did something happen to me?” I could only nod in defeat even though there was nothing to lose to. He was quiet for a while and again then finally spoke 3 words that have affected me more than it should have. “Did I die?”

I just froze with my mind blank, trying to process 3 simple words, he was always good at these things. He somehow always knew. Tears slowly fell down my face again landing on my son.

“In my arms, it was a clear night, the stars and the moon were the brightest I’ve ever remembered.” His expression at me didn’t change “And what happened after?” Tears fell heavier and quicker “I was in denial, I tried everything, and yet you still died. I pushed the healers too hard on something they could not do.” He sat up to hug me, latching onto my neck. I could hear him sniffling, I guess he was also crying.

I hugged him back, I was too choked up to say anything. “It’s okay dad, I’m here” His voice was broken saying it. I clung onto him alswell, I was never good with words. I said nothing other than strangled sobs. “It’s okay papa, I’m here” I couldn’t tell if those words were to comfort me or him, either way it doesn’t matter.

“I love you papa” I hugged him harder, I do not deserve those words from my kind son. “I love you too son, I love you so so much, I..I.. regretted not saying these words to you for so long I-” “It’s okay papa, I know you love me even if you don’t say it” I was too stunned to say anything and loosened my grip and sat him in front of me to look at him again. I really did not deserve this, his love and admiration. I really planned on not letting him go for a long time until there was an eventual knock on the door.

“Sir? Is everything alright?” I could hear one of the watchers say, I look at my son, he doesn't want to let go so I just carry him and open the door. “Everything’s fine, what’s the schedule today?”

The watcher diverted his attention to look at me carrying my son for a bit and eventually, albeit they sounded reluctant for some reason, gave me my schedule for today. I thanked them and set off to do them all while carrying my son still latched on my neck.

I had to set aside my emotions for now and do my duties. I saw the former watcher trainer somewhat nervously pacing through the halls looking for something or someone and then spots me, immediately making a beeline for me and bowing.

I noticed my son fell asleep in the commotion of the morning. “My king, the young prince was not present so I went-” I gave a silent ‘shh’ and pointed to my son. They were confused at first then perked up all happy and now speaking in a quieter voice.

“Ah, forgive me my king, the young prince seems to be tired, I shall schedule a different time for him to attend his training.” They gave an endearing smile, bowed again and left.

I was never eccentric to do my ‘kingly duties’, but they were necessary so I never complained or state that I loved doing it. That last part would be a blatant lie, I would be amused by some of the outlier problems that were present, but it never becomes anything more.

I give a small sigh, still carrying my son. I somehow manage to sit down in the throne/work chair and figure out how to write and sign some papers. (think of this like the tree of wishes except it was on citizen’s problems with things in the citadel, ect, and informing them to dark cacao)

I was hardly expressive to everyone, but right now I would not need to keep composure so I’m pretty sure I was very visibly inconvenienced by this. With a lot of small complaints and annoyed sighs later,

I was around halfway there, I think. Then I noticed my son waking up, giving a small yawn, he did not let go still, possibly feeling lazy.

I’m not going to stop him from doing so “Good morning” I could hear him reply a tired quiet ‘good morning’ back. “You know, I saw someone report that a cake hound stole something and they want it back”

He finally let go, I was kind of sad and relieved, he has a decently strong grip for a child. “Really? That’s so stupid. Are you sure that was a real complaint?” He was trying to find it through one of the completed neat stacks of papers I signed and or reviewed.

I moved his hand away from the papers giving him the paper, I saved it in case of this happening. “Those papers took a lot longer of my life than what you think” He was chuckling “All because of a cute little cake hound” I give an annoyed sigh “yes, and apparently the wind as well”

he was still looking through and reading the random needs, requests, and or problems that need to be fixed. “Hehe, apparently you’re in a good and bad mood at the same time today”

I nod my head, reluctantly agreeing, thinking how I never really acted like this at all back then and this would be a weird shift.

I keep writing and signing after like 5 of the papers I yawned and shut my eyes for a few seconds only to be greeted with a paper in front of my face. “Someone’s kid lost their favorite stick in the forest” I gave a groan of annoyance and was very tempted to slam my head on the table.

“I want to slam my head on the table” It was all I could say in response and he was laughing at it. “Sooooo, are you going to send watchers to find the missing stick?” I resumed scanning the papers “Only a cake hound at most, they have a better chance and more excitement finding a stick”

He chuckled at that agreeing and it was quiet for a while, I was too busy being annoyed at what I’m currently doing forgetting this unfortunate chore. “I’m glad” Well that cut through the quietness, I didn’t say anything, I just looked at my son to show that he has my attention.

“Can we have more days like this? Please?” I was hurt that he had to go through this the first time, I always cared about him. Being a stone-cold king as someone’s usual personality usually is not someone’s great view of what a good father would be, I agree.

I looked back at my son and saw him awaiting my response, I accidentally took longer to respond. “Of course, I would be glad to have more days like these.” I set down the brush I was holding on the ink pad “As long as I don’t have to carry you everytime” He was giggling “Umm dad, can I hug you?” I nod “You don’t ever need to ask okay?”

He didn’t respond, he just hugged me “thank you” I gladly hugged back giving a genuine smile I’ve had in a long time “Of course” Time passes by quickly as a watcher walks a while later and says that a party has come back.

We both sat up from the throne room finally, I hate that chair. We were walking, escorted by the same watcher. Midway I told them they could go back to their post and that we would be fine. After some time of still walking towards the gate I see my son immediately walk somewhere else towards the mini pond present near.

I followed him down to the pond and he was crouching down and looking at the pond. I don’t know what he’s looking at but I don’t really need to care. “You know we need to greet and treat the watchers’ return” I say as he looks back, he nods in response

“I just wonder how that pond didn’t freeze over yet, it’s always so cold here” I nod understanding his curiosity and looked back at that tiny pond asking the same question within my head.

We kept on walking towards the gate, everyone one born here is used to the harsh weather so the cold doesn’t bother us as much as other cookies from other lands. “Hey dad, can you carry me again?” I playfully roll my eyes at him “And break my back doing so? I think not.” He was swinging my arm back and forth

“Pleaseeeeee? You always carry that sword that’s like 10 times heavier than me on the battlefield!” I gave a small chuckle “You can walk, I can see the gate from here.” He kept swinging my arm, he was never like this, most likely because I was never like this back then. “Pleaseee?”

I raised a brow looking at him and reluctantly agreed. One thing I agree with is that he was much lighter than the grape jam sword, a sword I've gotten used to carrying, no ordinary cookie can carry it of course. I’m also quite sure back when my son was older before this chance, he would still have a hard time carrying it.

“So this is what it’s like to be tall, I want to be tall like this someday!” I knew he would be as tall as me in the future, I gave a small smile again. “I’m sure you will be when you grow up.” We get to the gate already opening revealing the group of watchers returning.

They were all fine with little injury and no casualties “Looks like they’re all fine” he was resting his chin on top of my head, he’s right, most of them look fine. “That does not mean they’re not tired” he hums in response “I’m not coming down you know” “You will come down soon for my back’s sake”

He laughs it off while we go over to the watchers “My king we found a different snow prowler along the way but we handled it and drove it away”

I nod “Was that the only note-worthy thing in the radius around the walls?” “Not really sir, the Snow Prowler was driven away, but we found a strange plant that was not recorded in the herbology records.”

A strange plant? This caught my son’s attention as well “Hello young prince” He gave a small wave “Hi” Strange, an undocumented plant unfound for so long near the walls? I tell the watcher to give their information on said plant to an informant to record it.

“Your majesty, everything has been accounted for.” I tense only slightly, and accidentally made my face immediately fall and look aggravated. I know that voice, that traitorous sea snake, Affogato.

I had forgotten that they were a long time advisor, along with Caramel Arrow being a heavily trusted watcher. I turn to see him giving the same fake expression of his traitorous two-sided face, with a smile that I now interpret differently.

A smile of trust is what I used to think it was, now it is nothing more to me but a deceptive facade. I compose myself and then nod. “Thank you Affogato, feel free to do what you want for the week.” I do not trust that leech to do and maintain my duties, they looked surprised at my decision.

“But my liege! You have a heavily crowded schedule and it would take more effort and energy for you to finish them all!” I shook my head “I will be fine..” I look back up to my son that I'm still carrying and look back at them “I will manage”

With some help hopefully and maybe even just some plain motivation from my son. "Are you sure my liege?" I just nod, I realized how power hungry he was in the future. A side of him I will note and be weary of.

[starshine583]

New Girl on the Block (17)

(sorry for the late update everyone! I spent time with family this weekend and got a little side tracked lol anyway, please enjoy chapter 17 of “New Girl on the Block” and as always, feel free to check out the mini series connected to this called Journal Entries!)

Ch.1 / Ch.16 / Ch.18 (ao3)

Chapter 17: Subtlety Is Key

The platform ladder that Marinette was standing on sat firmly in Felix’s grip as he watched her attempt to pin a stream of hearts to the wall. She appeared to be having trouble deciding which angle was best, moving her end of the stream up and down while staring at the other end, which was already pinned up, and squinting. He half wondered if she was going to take this long on every stream of hearts she pinned up, since she'd been doing the same up-and-down motion for a while now, but he also didn’t mind waiting if she did. The longer he stood here, the better his chances were of escaping the task of writing those “thank you” cards that Allegra liked to put in her party favors. She always managed to rope him into it, saying that his handwriting was the best amongst them, which, in truth, it was, but why not save the trouble and type out the message on the computer in a curly font? Surely, it would have the same effect.

“Felix, does this look straight to you?”

Felix dragged his gaze back up to Marinette, who was frowning at the spot that she’d finally decided to stop on. The stream of hearts hung to her right, making a nice curve on the wall that looked fine, but he wouldn’t be able to say for certain until he acquired a level, which they didn’t have.

“As straight as it can get, I imagine.” He replied. Even if it was a tad off, the guests would hardly notice. They’ll be too busy mingling and dancing around.

A sigh fell from the ravenette, and she lowered the hearts to give him a tired look. “How is that supposed to help me?”

“Well, it’s definitely not straight now. Does that help?”

Marinette pressed her lips into a thin line, obviously disgruntled, and Felix clenched his jaw to avoid smiling. Perhaps he should wait until she got off the ladder to continue. She might kick him in the face otherwise.

“Why are you here if you’re not going to be useful?” She grumbled, turning back to the wall.

A snort escaped Felix’s lips. “I am being useful. I’m holding the ladder so you don’t fall and break your neck.”

“Bold of you to assume I won’t fall whether the ladder is steady or not.”

“Which is another reason why I’m here.” He replied smoothly. “To catch you.”

Marinette hummed, glancing down at him from the corner of her eye. “How kind of you.”

“Yes, it really is, isn’t it?”

She breathed out a small laugh and shook her head, coaxing a smirk from Felix as well. 

It’s been about a week since they stayed up all night talking at Allegra’s house, since things between them changed, since things with him changed. He couldn’t quite place what had caused it, except that it was most definitely her. The way she listened to him wholeheartedly throughout the entire night, hanging on his every word, offering support when needed and trading a few stories herself- It made him feel heard, which was immensely strange. Because he’d been heard before, plenty of times in fact. It was nothing new. So why was that night different? Was it because of the soft atmosphere that the moon provided? Or because they were both somewhat tired despite saying otherwise? Why did his entire being feel so clear and refreshed when they went up to bed later on?

Whatever happened, he’d assumed that the feeling would be gone by morning, since nighttime conversations hardly travel to the next day, but imagine his surprise when the feeling swelled full force in his chest the next day, specifically when he greeted Marinette in the hall. It was as crystal clear as the night before, and it had yet to fade even now. 

Felix didn’t understand. Not at all. But he certainly wasn’t going to dispute it. He actually began encouraging the feeling, talking with Marinette on a more constant basis, muttering in her direction during conversations, asking more casual questions, throwing around a joke or two about the others when it seemed appropriate- he even found himself teasing her at one point, which led him to the wonderful realization that Marinette Dupain-Cheng was much sassier than he’d given her credit for. Despite her surprise, she’d snapped back immediately, a playful glare in her eyes and a smirk on her lips, and with an unexpected reaction like that, Felix couldn’t not tease her more. That would simply be a waste.

In the following week, he continued to talk with her, and continued to learn how much of a wild card she truly was. She never reacted to his teasing the same way. For example, one minute, she would blush, the next she would smack him, or roll her eyes and shoot right back without a second thought, or even pout. There was no telling what she was going to do next, and Felix eagerly anticipated her next move each time. It was fun for him now, fun to talk with her, fun to see her smirks and glares and giggles when he did. He could understand why Claude, Allegra, and Allan would want to talk with everyone and anyone if they all acted like her.

Their dynamic had definitely changed over the last few days, and although he wasn’t sure how much Marinette had noticed it herself, Felix knew he was thoroughly enjoying the shift. 

“There.” Marinette said above him, leaning back to put her hands on her hips. “How’s that?”

Felix’s eyes glazed over the stream of hearts again, and he let out a hum. “A bit more to the left.”

Her shoulders drooped. “Are you serious?”

“No.”

The narrowed yet playful glare that she shot him had Felix holding back another chuckle, and he innocently moved to grab one of the pink, inflated balloons on the table next to them to hand it to her.

“Why do I ask you anything anymore?” She asked as she took the balloon from him. 

“Because you know I’m an excellent judge when it comes to fine craftsmanship, such as the stream of hearts hanging above us on the wall right now.”

Marinette scoffed, tacking the balloon to the wall just above the first decoration. “What, are you kissing up to me now? Are you trying to butter me up so I’ll bring you more cheesy croissants?”

Felix shot her a look of feigned offense. “I wouldn’t dream of it, not after the amount of pain and effort that went into the making of those decorations.”

Now she was glaring at him. “Exactly how long do you plan on holding that paper cut against me?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.” Felix replied, a slight smile betraying his lips as he did.

Marinette huffed, letting her eyes flick up in an eyeroll, and started back down the ladder. Felix moved back to let her off, before grabbing the ladder again to lift it over to the next wall. They still had two more streams to put up.

“You seem to be more present today.” He commented, thinking back on the get-together they had yesterday. She’d been lost in her own thoughts through the first part of it, so much so that Allegra felt the need to ask her if she was alright. Marinette didn’t get to answer due to Claude jumping in, but when Felix asked her about it again a bit later, she quickly froze up, saying that she’d rather keep it to herself for the time being. 

Felix understood, of course, and he said as much, but that didn’t stop him from being curious. Or even a bit concerned. She always had a specific look when that model was involved, and she’d worn it openly yesterday. Therefore, he could only assume that that was part of the trouble, but how much trouble? Did they run into each other again? Did he text her? Did he go looking for her somewhere? There were too many possibilities and not enough clues for Felix to draw a firm conclusion. He couldn’t even be sure that Agreste was the problem in the first place. 

“Did your troubles sort themselves out?” He added, trying not to look at her too much as he did. Felix didn’t want to pry, but he did want to make sure she was handling herself alright. (Not that that was really in question at this point. After that run-in with the akuma, they all knew quite well that Marinette could take care of things when she needed to.)

Marinette paused at the base of the ladder, tilting her head at him with a questioning glance. “My troubles?”

A slight frown tugged at the corner of Felix’s lips. Had she forgotten already? It must not have been that important, then..

“You said something was bothering you yesterday.” He said anyway.

“Oh!” Understanding washed over her features, but a grimace quickly followed. “Oh.”

Felix rose a brow. Did that mean the problem wasn’t resolved?

“Um.. no.” She said, offering a bit of clarity as she fiddled with the next stream of hearts that they were supposed to be hanging up. “No, it’s still very much there, unfortunately. I’m not sure how everything’s going to work out yet.”

Felix nodded. “I see. I apologize for bringing it up, then.”

“No, no, you’re fine.” She insisted as she climbed the ladder. “I know you were just trying to help.”

“Besides,” Marinette threw another smile over her shoulder, one that was clearly softer than the smirks she’d been giving him earlier, “if it gets to be too much, I’m sure you’ll come to rescue again. So you can have something else to brag about.”

Felix’s eyes widened, admittedly knocked off balance by the comment. Joking about being rescued wasn’t entirely unusual, but ‘again’? What did she mean ‘again’? Did she think he rescued her before? When? Why did he find himself feeling immensely pleased with the thought?

“Of course..” He muttered absently. “I do love to brag, you know.”

It was a bland remark to be sure, not nearly one of his best, but Marinette laughed anyway, as she always did, and turned back around to start pinning the next stream of hearts to the wall.

Felix continued to watch.

~~~~~~

Bzzt. Bzzt.

Adrien lunged for his phone, unlocking it with his fingerprint before it could even finish vibrating, and tapped the notification. Was it her? Had she finally decided to text him? Please let it be her!

A news app flashed onto his screen, and his shoulders sagged as he realized that Marinette hadn’t texted him. How long was she going to wait? It’s already been a full day, and winter break was fading fast. He knew these things could take time, but they honestly didn’t have a lot of that right now. Once school started up again, his schedule was going to go right back to packed, and he’d barely be able to breathe let alone go see her. He didn’t want their precious chance to hang-out to go to waste. 

“You good, dude?” Nino asked next to him. “You’ve been hovering around your phone all day. Is something going on?”

“Oh, uh-” Adrien sat up, pushing away his phone and disappointment. Marinette was going to text him eventually. He just needed to be patient. “No, everything’s fine. Père just likes to stay in touch with me while I’m out, so I want to make sure I don’t miss any text messages or anything.”

Nino frowned. “Isn’t sending Gorilla with you enough?”

Adrien shrugged. “Yeah, but you know how he is. He likes to stay on top of things.”

Disgruntlement flicked across Nino’s features, and he tugged his hat down slightly to hide it, muttering, “Or he just likes to control everything.”

Adrien smiled despite the comment. “Come on, he’s not that bad. He let us hang out today, right?”

Nino nodded, though his frown didn’t fade. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.. Just don’t let him distract you from our game. We still have a tie to break.”

Adrien straightened and grabbed the controller that he’d dropped earlier. “Course not! Père or no, I still have plenty of focus to beat you.”

Nino let out a playful scoff. “Sure, dude. We’ll see who beats who this time.”

Adrien chuckled and positioned himself on the couch, and the two jokingly counted down before starting the next match.

Keeping Nino in the dark about Marinette wasn’t something Adrien enjoyed- they were best friends, after all -but he didn’t want to risk talking about her now. The class was only just now starting to be suspicious of Lila, and even then, it was light, joking. They weren’t serious about it yet. If they knew he was meeting up with Marinette, the person they still weren’t entirely fond of, it might serve as a disadvantage to him. What if they stopped listening to him because he was talking with her? He couldn’t take that chance. He needed to get his feet planted firmly on the ground before taking any rash steps forward.

That said, he did need to take some sort of step forward. Lila trying to make a deal with him last week was extremely reassuring, since it meant that she herself thought of him as a threat, but he also knew that he couldn’t slack off because of it. Muttering over her shoulder wasn’t going to work forever, and if he didn’t find a way to crank up the pressure soon, she would start countering his subtle attacks. Maybe he could start talking to people directly? While they were alone. He could talk to them more about Lila and ask if her stories are suspicious.. But what if he talks to the wrong person? Depending on who he conversed with, they might round on him in an instant, and his plan would crumble again. No, he needed to be careful about this. He needed to start with someone he could trust.

“....So,” Adrien glanced at Nino, because who better to start with than his best friend? “what are your thoughts on Lila?”

If Adrien wanted to change everyone’s opinion of Marinette and Lila, he supposed he would have to know those opinion’s first, and Nino, he felt, was the perfect candidate for that. He was a chill, relaxed person, who pretty much liked everybody. (Everybody except Adrien’s father, that is.) His opinion of Lila should be similar to an average of everyone else’s opinion, and Adrien could use that as an estimation of Lila’s- hopefully decreasing -popularity.

Nino scrunched up his nose, clearly confused by the change of subject. “Lila? I mean, she’s alright. Pretty nice. Alya really likes her.”

Adrien nodded thoughtfully. That was about what he expected him to say. “What do you think about her stories? It seems like she’s been everywhere, doesn’t it?”

Nino snorted. “Right? She says she knows everybody and anybody. It’s pretty crazy.”

Adrien’s eyes widened slightly, though Nino didn’t notice. ‘She says she knows everybody’? Not ‘she knows everybody’? If Adrien didn’t know any better, he might say that sounded a little bit like doubt.

“You don’t believe her?” He asked, carefully.

“No, no, I do.” Nino rushed to say, ignoring the game console that was now blinking ‘defeat’ on his side. “It’s just.. you know.. crazy. She’s been all over the world, knows all these different people, and she’s only fifteen. And she kept up with the school the whole time. It sounds like a lot.”

“Yeah, it definitely does.” Adrien agreed, setting his controller aside and hiding a smile. “And now, she’s been taking up the job as class president, even though she’s still planning charity events and working at homeless shelters and hanging out with Alya and the rest of the girls and doing homework.. It makes you wonder how she fits it all into her schedule.”

Nino chuckled. “Yeah, I- It’s.. I don’t know. I definitely couldn’t do it. What about you, though? What do you think about her? You seem to be really interested in her lately.”

Adrien had to bite the inside of his cheek to avoid laughing. Interesting was a word.

“Ah, well.. I guess I’m just curious about her more than anything. I’m a model who goes places and meets people all the time, and I haven’t met nearly as many famous people as she has. I wanna learn how she’s managed to not get in any news or magazines so far-”

Bzzt. Bzzt.

Adrien paused mid-word to whirl around and check his phone. He was honestly preparing himself for the disappointment already- why would this time be any different? -when his eyes landed on the tiny speech bubble that represented his text messaging app. His insides leaped at this sight, and he tried to swallow his excitement as he tapped the notification. Was it her? Had she finally texted him?

Marinette’s name splayed across the top of the screen, and it took every ounce of discipline for Adrien not to leap off the couch and cheer. She’d texted him! Marinette had finally texted him back!

~Hey, sorry it took me so long to text you. I’ve been helping my friends out with something. If you want, I can meet up with you at (something) café for lunch on Feb. 15th? Does that work for you?~

Lunch! Adrien wanted to scream. She was inviting him to lunch! Marinette did want to hang out with him more! This was perfect!

He quickly texted her back. 

~That sounds great! I’ll see you then ;D~

Adrien hadn’t even checked his schedule yet, but that didn’t matter. He was making this lunch date no matter what. Then he could talk with Marinette about his plans and maybe convince her to come back and-

“Was that your dad?” Nino asked, breaking Adrien from his thoughts yet again. That was probably a good thing though. He shouldn’t be getting too ahead of himself. From the way things looked, Marinette was really enjoying her new school life. It will probably take a lot of convincing to get her to come back. For now, he needed to take things slowly.

Slowly.

“Oh, yeah.” Adrien said, cool as a cucumber. “He was just telling me about my next photoshoot.”

“Another one? It’s not going to stop us from hanging out, is it?”

“No, no, it shouldn’t.” Not that he knew of, anyway. The only thing his meeting with Marinette would hopefully affect was everyone’s opinions of Lila. 

Nino relaxed slightly at the answer. “Good. He over-works you way too much. You should ask for a raise or something.”

 Adrien laughed. “I think I’d rather keep the time off that he gives me. Anyway, you ready to play another round? You lost, so now you have to catch back up.”

Nino eyed his controller with a slight smile. “Whatever, man, you know I’m gonna pass you up without a problem.”

“Sure you are.” Adrien smirked. “Just like how you were gonna pass me up last round.”

Nino laughed and snatched his controller up. “Oh, it’s on, dude.”

~~~~~~

Allegra drew in a deep breath, reveling in the scent of the special candles she’d ordered. Patchouli and Rosewood- the perfect thing to accentuate the rose bouquets delicately placed on the round tables and encourage the romantic mood for their party. With the lights dimmed and everyone dancing together on top of that, hearts were bound to be captured, and she couldn’t wait to see it, especially when it came to a particular pair.

Allegra set her candle down and subtly glanced over her shoulder at Felix and Marinette, who were currently stringing up the last stream of hearts on the other side of the room. They were both laughing and talking together, completely comfortable as Felix held the ladder steady and Marinette pinned her last balloon at the end of the stream. It was a cliché couple, really- the stoic, uptight rich boy falling hard for the sweet, adorable bakery girl -but Allegra was determined to see it work out. She’s always prided herself on getting unlikely people together, and these two were going to be her ultimate achievement. Of course, at this point, she supposed she could hardly call them an unlikely couple. They’ve been rather in-step with each other as of late. What with their muttering to each other during group-hang outs and sharing secret looks and sitting near each other on a regular basis. She might be inclined to be excited for the progress if she had any idea as to why they were suddenly so close. Last week, Felix was still gritting his teeth about being caught looking at Marinette, yet today, he’s talking and smiling and laughing with her openly. Laughing! Felix doesn’t laugh. He scowls and hisses and maybe smirks when he’s in a good mood, but he doesn’t laugh. Something monumental must have happened between the two that would encourage him to do so. So what was it? When was it? Her entire body was itching to know, and the fact that she knew she couldn’t ask only made it worse. If she tried to ask Felix about the event, he might clam up again, regressing the friendship. If she tried to ask Marinette about the event, the ravenette would probably become flustered or more hyper aware of Felix’s subconscious advancements, which, again, would probably regress the friendship. She was stuck either way.

“They’re driving me crazy.” She finally said, knowing the boys would hear her. If she couldn’t confirm her theories about Felix and Marinette’s interactions, she would rant about them to Claude and Allan instead.

As usual, Claude was the first to respond, glancing up from the party favors she had him arranging to ask, “What? Who’s driving you crazy?”

Allegra turned to him with a sigh and tilted her head ever-so-slightly in the “lovebirds’” direction. “They are. They’re acting differently than they were before, and I don’t know why.”

Claude straightened to glance over her shoulder for a moment, his brows furrowing slightly.

“You mean Felix and Marinette? They look the same to me.”

Allegra scrunched up her nose with a scoff. “What do you mean they look the same? You think Felix just laughs like that on a regular basis?”

Allan wandered over to their conversation then, also watching Marinette and Felix. The blond and ravenette didn’t even look up from the hearts on the wall, which was another big sign that they were becoming increasingly engrossed in each other. Felix was normally highly aware of his surroundings, as was Allegra, and he usually would have noticed the trio’s stares by now. But he didn’t, because he was too busy looking at Marinette instead.

“They have been a bit chummy lately.” Allan agreed, bringing a smile to Allegra’s lips. At least someone besides herself was paying attention.

“Well, yeah, but we knew that already.” Claude said. “They like each other, don’t they? Of course they would be chummy.”

“Yes, but not like that.” Allegra insisted. “Whether Felix likes her or not doesn’t change the fact that he’s technically being open around all of us right now. Isn’t that a bit strange to you? Besides, we still don’t actually know for sure that Marinette has a crush on Felix.”

Claude gave her a look. “What? I thought you said that she got all blushy and stuff when you talked about Felix at the sleepover.”

“She was, but Marinette gets blushy about a lot of things. And I was talking about how comfortable Felix is around her. That would probably make any girl blush.”

“She has a point,” Allan spoke up, “but I do think she might like him. She always gets this certain vibe when he’s around.”

“Oh, it’s definitely a possibility.” Allegra agreed. “You can totally spot the little ‘glow’ she gets when he talks with her, and even that’s improved since Felix changed things up.”

Claude’s eyes widened as he glanced at the pair again, seeming to study them closer this time. “Do you think she’s glowing more because he’s changed?”

“I’d say so,” Allegra answered, tapping her finger to her lip, “But what I want to know is why he changed and when. It can’t have been anything short of last week, because they only started acting this way recently, but what could have happened that we didn’t see? We’ve been with them the whole time.”

“Maybe they’ve been hanging out by themselves?” Allan suggested. “They’re not tied to us, you know.”

“I know, but wouldn’t we have heard about it? Marinette sends us pictures and such all the time. She would have mentioned her and Felix hanging out by themselves.”

Unless Marinette simply didn’t want to offend them, but Allegra still didn’t buy that explanation. As far as she knew, Felix and Marinette’s shift happened sometime after the sleepover, if not right after. It was as though they’d fallen asleep as usual, then woke up as different people entirely when it came to each other. So whatever happened must have happened during the sleepover.. but when? They were all together most of the night. Allegra supposed it could have happened during Hide and Seek, when they were all spread across the mansion, but moments like those were too quick and too tense and she certainly would have noticed Felix’s change in behavior then. That left her with.. A dead end, because the rest of the night, Marinette and Felix were always with one of the trio, even when they were all sleeping.

Unless the two hadn’t been sleeping..

“I don’t think we should overthink it.” Allan said, lightly nudging his shoulder into Allegra’s. “Marinette seems happier around Felix, and Felix is definitely happier around Marinette, so I say we take the win and let them keep getting closer on their own.”

“I agree.” Claude chimed in, surprising Allegra. He normally enjoyed meddling in others’ affairs as much as she did. “If they’ve made it this far without us getting too involved, they're bound to confess to each other at tomorrow’s party, especially with the ‘fake date’ we have planned for them.”

A smile found its way back onto Allegra’s lips. So he did intend to meddle. He just didn’t want to overthink Felix and Marinette’s sudden progress. She should have known. 

“That reminds me: I still have to finish arranging that.” Allegra remarked.

She spun on her heel, leaving the boys to their tasks again, and began crossing the room to Felix and Marinette. Their chuckles and smiles quieted down as she approached, but she paid it no mind. Felix was mostly the one to stop laughing, anyway.

“Are you guys all done?” Allegra inquired, not missing the way Felix gently touched Marinette’s arm to help her get off the ladder.

Marinette flashed her a smile. “Yep! We just finished the last streamer. What’s next?”

Allegra let out a hum. “Well, Felix still has to write all of those ‘thank you’ letters for the party favors-”

A tired sigh left the blond.

“-and we have to set up the caterer’s foods, but they aren’t coming in till tomorrow. So I think we’re pretty much done. Claude and Allan are just now finishing their last tasks too.”

“Oh, good!” Marinette beamed. “The place looks great already. I can’t wait to see everyone’s reactions tomorrow.”

Allegra smiled. “Neither can I. By the way, since everything’s practically set up, you two can go ahead and stay home until the party starts. That way you both have time to get ready.”

A hint of concern flicked across the ravenette’s features as she knitted her eyebrows together. “Are you sure? I don’t mind coming in early with you guys.”

“I do,” Felix cut in, a slight smirk on his lips as he added, “and I will gladly take the extra free time.”

Allegra smirked as well, because she knew that comment had to be for Marinette’s viewing pleasure. He wouldn’t have had a smirk otherwise, nor would he have held that mischievous glint in his eyes.

Of course, Marinette breathed out a chuckle and briefly rolled her eyes, capturing Felix’s attention immediately. She then offered Allegra a meaningful smile. 

“Well, if you change your mind, you can always text me.”

“Of course, but in case I don’t, why don’t you have Felix pick you up for the party tomorrow? Since you’re both not going to be arriving until later.”

Marinette and Felix exchanged a look, as though they were silently asking each other’s opinions, and Allegra had to hold back a snort. They were already reading each other and communicating in their own way. It was too cute and all too obvious. How did Claude not notice the difference earlier?

“I wouldn’t mind if you need a ride,” Felix finally spoke, pulling his shoulders up in a slight shrug, “but it’s your decision.”

Allegra swallowed a coo and glanced to the side, because this person in front of her who used to be dead-set on not helping anyone or scowling the whole way was being incredibly considerate, and she desperately needed a before-and-after video.

Marinette smiled up at him. “A ride would be nice, thanks. That way I don’t have to bother Maman or Papa about taking me at the end of their work shift.”

It was just the answer Allegra wanted to hear. Felix will be the first one to see Marinette in her new dress, and he will have plenty of time to become flustered over it during their drive to the party. Missing Felix’s face when he went to fetch Marinette was going to be a shame- since he himself mentioned how stunning she would look -but if they were lucky, perhaps he’ll still be wearing the expression when the two arrive.

“Great! I’ll call my driver so we can start getting ready to leave then.” Allegra said with a smile.

Marinette nodded. “Sounds good. I’ll go grab my purse and put up the ladder.”

“I’ll put up the ladder.” Felix cut in, already moving to close it. 

A frown tugged at the corner of her lips. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. They like their tools to be put back a certain way.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks, then.”

Allegra watched Marinette walk off, feeling a fresh wave of determination.. Gosh, they were already acting like they were in love with each other. Well, Felix was at least. Marinette was about that kind to anyone. Either way, things were going smoothly now, and it should only take a carefully-timed push for the two to really get the ball rolling. 

Valentine’s Day, Marinette and Felix being dressed up, both of them being alone together while dressed up, the sudden closeness- finally, all of her plans were coming together. The only thing that could possibly make this better was if Cupid himself came out to see them swoon over each other. 

That wasn’t going to happen, of course, but it didn’t need to, because Allegra was going to be glad to take his place.

Tag List:  @artbyknigit @athena452 @nickristus-dreamer @throneoffirebreathingbitchqueen @arsaem @abrx2002 @neakco @pawsitivelymiraculous @too0bsessedformyowngood @nathleigh @lusicing @officiallydarkgeek @all-mights-asscheeks @tbehartoo @woe-is-me0 @raeuberprinzessin @lazuli-11 @miss-chaos27 @trippingovermyfeet @sadpotatoondrugs @ladybug-182 @jaggedheart11 @marinahrasauce @i-need-blog-ideas @thewheezingbubbledragon @crazylittlemunchkin @unabashedbookworm @moonystars14 @sunflowers-and-mooncakes @2confused-2doanything @magnificentcrapposts @moonnette @nickristus-dreamer @vixen-uchiha @casual-darkness @luxmorningstarr @jjmjjktth @kaithehero @itsme1598 @theymakeupfairies @xjaccyx @miraculous-ninja @miraculouspenta @swiftie-miraculer13 @justafanwarrior @all-mights-asscheeks @ira-sairain @lookatthestars1 @dahjokester @blissful-passing @solangelo252 @canivialemonsquints07  @derbygracie  @pleaseignorejustheretoread 

[theobxhummingbird]

Not so sneaky. -Luke Patterson x Reader.

Summary: Luke’s shirts go missing, and rushed Y/N seemed to know where they are.

A/N: Anonymous asked about an imagine with reader stealing Luke’s clothes, then wears them, and Alex realizes, so here it is. Enjoy it readers.😀😀😀

 It had become a habit, to always sneak one shirt, every time Y/N comes to Luke’s house. Or it simply doesn’t have to be his house; the studio where Sunset Curve performed, always had Luke’s shirts he left behind. And, normally, he was getting very confused on where they disappeared. He knew exactly where his stuff is placed and he never had a problem with losing his belongings. But it frightened him, that they might’ve got stolen. Though, Alex’s sister, didn’t really refer to it as stealing, more as a friendly borrowing. She had imagined herself in his shirts, or him giving her one since forever, due to the years of having a crush on him. Her and Luke were connected because of the band, since both her and Alex play in it; well actually, Alex does, but Y/N comes as Luke’s back vocals. Though she never dared to wear them in public, she still wore them to sleep, or when she was only in the walls of her room.

-Are you going to rehearsal today? –her mum popped her head in the room.

-Rehearsal! –her figure straightened up from the bed, at the realization that she’s late. –Mum---damn it, Alex will kill me.

-Slow down my child, he just left.

-Then---why---didn’t---he tell me he’s going? –she barely even put her socks on right.

-I don’t know, and am definitely not going to interfere in any of your arguments. Dad and I need to watch the news. –she blew her a kiss, and disappeared from the door.

-What type of remote couple are you jeez? Watching news at the age of 40.  –she said, and threw on whichever shirt came to her hand first. And she thought it was just a plain white T-shirt, not knowing it’s Luke’s. She quickly took her bike from the garage, and was off to rehearsal. Y/N had never been so late to something, always avoiding getting into any type of argument with her brother, who hated people being late. Though the others could wait, he was a tough rock to deal with.

-I’m here. –she jumped in the room, and shut the door behind her, -I’m so sorry I’m late, mum reminded me of rehearsal. For else my brother didn’t even care about me.

-You’re 17 Y/N and mature enough for your own meetings. If you blame me for your own inabilities, then you better leave the band. Or, get yourself an alarm clock. –he said from behind the drums.

-Yeah I don’t need one, I have you; you never shut up. –she took her guitar and got behind the microphone.

-Oooh, slow burn; she roasted-. –said Reggie, but stopped getting fluttered when a glare from Alex shut him. –Yeah, that look says everything, I better not interfere in the sibling fight.

-Nice shirt. –said Luke, placing the microphone next to hers. Her eyes darted at her stomach, to only realize that she should never rush things, even if she’s very late. Alex heard Luke, and was going to later analyze the entire thing, but for now, they needed to focus on playing.

--

-Hey, Y/N, -he said, while they were on an eating break, -is that shirt new?

-Y-yeah, yeah it is. I bought it yesterday. –she cleared her cough, but could see from the corner of her eye, that Luke was hardly holding back a laugh.

-Luke, didn’t you have the same shirt? I think I remember well.

-I don’t know. Maybe. –he smirked, and continued stuffing his mouth with fries. Y/N started to fan herself with her hand, pulling the collar of the shirt because she couldn’t breathe.

-Or is that your shirt? 

Y/N was now choking on her water. Luke tapped her back, and when she stabilized herself finally, there was an answer, 

-Why would I take Luke’s shirts? Are you crazy? I don’t take clothes from you, then why would I from Luke?

-That’s because I don’t let your stinky nose mess through my stuff, Y/N.

-Ha Ha Ha. It’s like I want to wear your clothes. 

She was sinking in embarrassment, and Luke was having fun with it. He realized there was something up with her for a long time, but it took him a few of her weird actions, to prove to himself, that Y/N might have a little crush on him. Not that he didn’t; she was a nice, fun, smart and a talented person, but he never thought about them dating, because Alex was his very close friend. Though girls like girls, always planning their wedding from the moment they catch feelings for a guy, and Y/N was no different of course. Like every normal teenage girl, she sometimes thought about the feeling of being in a young relationship. 

Alex didn’t seem to be persuaded by her words though, he took his pen from the music journal, as if he’s going to write something, and secretly marked a line on Luke’s shirt. He didn’t know if she’s going to take it later, but really hoped she will, so he could write a conclusion in his head, that his sister and Luke are dating in secret. Or at least, that’s what he thought. 

Y/N rocked the high notes, and it left everyone to only praise her. Luke was mind blown, and sometimes came to her microphone, so they could sing together, which made Alex way madder, that he threw one of his drumsticks and it hit Luke right in the head.

-Dude, -he held his head, -why did you do that?

-There was a big bug on your head, god knows what it can do to you. I saved your life, unthankful. 

-Wait, I’ll go find some ice. –said Y/N, dropping the guitar at the stand, and jumping off stage.

-Ice, ice baby. –Reggie started to sing. –Ice, Ice baby. Alright stop, collaborate and listen Y/N is back with a brand new ice pack-

- Oh my god, shut your cassette tape of a mouth, -he said to Reggie and turned to Y/N, - Hey! He can get it himself.

-You hit him in the head, and it sounded as if you hit a pumpkin bro, I’ll help him.

-I’LL help him. You stay on your place. –he got all sassy, and when he left the room, the only thing that came to his head was a coca cola can from the freezer in their studio. And that’s what he came back with.

-I got hot even from the hit. –Luke slipped his hands under his shirt, and took it off, tossing it on his backpack. Staying shirtless next to her, and even touching his knee to hers, made Y/N turn into a red traffic light. Alex observed the entire thing, and she tried not to be obvious, though even Reggie and Bobby were aware of everything. -Yeah---we’re going home. Come on Reggie. –said Bobby, and said bye to the boys with their handshakes, as well as Reggie

.-I’m going to get my backpack, and then we’re leaving. –said Alex, and went to the little couch they had, to pack away his stuff. Y/N went to the bathroom quickly before they leave, and Luke had a crazy idea of shoving his shirt into hers without her or Alex knowing. It was really fun to him, to see her wearing his clothes, and now it was obvious where they disappeared.

-Come on Y/N, let’s get home before mum starts to panic and look for us with a whole police crew. –said Alex, when Y/N settled her backpack on her back. –Bye Patterson.

-Bye, Alex, bye Y/N

.-Bye Luke. –she didn’t even meet his eyes, and just followed her jealous brother out the door.

--

It ticked in him, the whole night, trying to know if she took his shirt. But it was really hard to know if she did, when there was music blasting at midnight as she tried to clean her room. He couldn’t wait anymore, impatiently tapping the floor with one foot. His parents were going to sleep, and warned her about putting headphones on, and she followed their order. Which for Alex, seemed like a great opportunity. He sneaked into her room, and even crawled to her backpack, and unzipped it, revealing what he was looking for. The same shirt Luke wore at rehearsal. The sound of the vacuum cleaner was filling the room, making her not hear a thing even more. He stumped his foot on the off button, and turned it off, as she still continued vacuuming.

-What is wrong with this? –she took her headphones off. –Oh, was my room that dirty that something got stuck?

-Maybe a shirt got stuck, take a good look. ��he said from behind her, which made her jump.

-Youuuu-ALEX! Stop coming in my room without permi-

-wHy WoUlD I WeAr LuKe’S sHiRt? –he mocked her.

-Okay, I didn’t put that there. It’s really the first time I’m seeing it in my bag

.-I don’t believe you.

-I was in the bathroom, and when I came back we left. You were watching me the whole time.

-Nah huh, I don’t believe you. –he tossed the shirt, as it landed on her face.

-Whatever, I’m telling the truth.

-You lied earlier, though.

-Yes, I did. It was Luke’s shirt, okay? I took it because I was cold.

-I can’t even imagine the collection of his things you have put in a box in your closet. “I’m never washing this” “I’ll put it in a glass box so it never loses its scent”

-Get out already. –she took a cushion and threw it his way, but Alex was gone, so she missed him. –You’ll see Luke Patterson. 

She opened the doors of her closet, and stuffed every single clothing she owned from Luke, and left her house, with a text message to Luke himself, to wait for her in the park near his home. Luke got excited. He spritzed some perfume, as well got dressed into some fresh clothes; fixed his hair, thinking Y/N will confess her feelings. But she didn’t know the facial expression that stormed her off the house, after getting annoyed at Alex.

-Hey…-he said with a wide smile, but his face dropped when she threw the backpack against his chest

.-These are all your clothes that I’ve borrowed from you. Take them all, and don’t worry they are washed.

-You didn’t have to do this-

-Yes I had to. I don’t want to be the reason behind you and my brother getting into a fight, because of a shirt I never put into my backpack today.

-Yeah---sorry---I did it. But only because it made me happy to see you wearing my clothes.

-Then I won’t be doing that anymore. I have my own. 

-You really didn’t need to call me here to only give me my clothes. Or is there another reason why you’re here? –his chest arose in hope, and it dropped, waiting to hear the three words.

-No…there isn’t. I came here to ONLY give you the clothes, and go home.

-Okay, -he drew circles with his foot, -then I guess it’s all up to me.

-Wha- she couldn’t even say it properly, because he caught her face and pulled it towards his, attaching their lips together. It felt like Christmas, or New Year fireworks lit up in her. It was like being reborn or, nailing a high note. Those feelings all at once took a hold of her, and she couldn’t feel the tips of her fingers that didn’t know where to position in the moment, of how confused she was. Luke on the other hand, seemed like a professional in the whole thing. When they split apart, he placed the backpack on her back, as well as a few kisses to her cheeks. For a final, he pinched her nose, and intertwined their hands together.

-Come on crazy, I’ll walk you home. I don’t care if Alex gets mad, I love you and it’s all that matters.

-I-I don’t know what to say. –she still couldn’t proceed the situation. But she was walking; that she was aware of.

-Come on gorgeous, I know our feelings are mutual. It’s obvious. You love me too.

-Not---that---it’s not---true.

-Hah, I knew it, go on. –he was happily acting like a little kid.

-Okay…I like you, a lot. A lot, a lot, and it’s the reason I’ve been so weird with you lately. -I knew it Y/N, just didn’t want to rush you into it, because I could really even think about dating you because of Alex. But know if I think wisely, Alex doesn’t matter because it’s our relationship.

-Oh how he will matter when a drumstick comes flying your way.

-Uff, -he rubbed the place, -it still hurts you know?

-Awww, c’mere. –she pulled his hand, and placed a kiss to the place Alex threw the drumstick.-It’s nice to know I’ll have you around from now on.

-Yeah to secretly sneak shirts in my backpack, and then my brother arguing with me forever. It’s nice for you of course.

-At least one of us is having fun. –he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and squeezed her into him.  

[muwur]

idk if this counts as an emergency or comfort request but ive been havin a REAL bad body image week nsnnnsnnnsnn could i maybe request headcanons for either oikawa or kuroo (u can pick if u wanna) with an s/o who is rlly self conscious about being chubby/has a really hard time with food and mayb feels like worthless because theyre not the ideal body type? idk sorry if thats dumb aaaah thank u sm if u choose to do this

self-love

♡ scenarios ♡ for oikawa and kuroo

❧ gn reader

✎ 3.7k words

a/n: hey hun, im sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough time lately. this kind of request actually rlly hits close to home, and if u ever need anything, ur mor than welcome to reach out to me :) i can also help look for resources for help, anything really. this goes for all y’all! i dont want none y’all to feel alone with anything ur going thru cuz we’re in this together! and no need to thank me, the pleasure is mine luv 🥰💕 nothing about this is dumb, ur feelings are valid. i hope this will bring you n many others some comfort. also,, FUCK BODY STANDARDS MAKIN US BELIEVE THERE’S AN IDEAL TYPE BC THERE IS NONE N Y’ALL R BEAUTIFUL N IF U DUN THINK SO I WILL COME OVER DER,,, ok im done 🥰🥰 (more notes at the bottom of this, i talk a lot n think its important, didnt wanna add it up here bc it was too long lolol) tw: mentions of bad body and implies disordered eating behaviors

 oikawa

♡ Oikawa was pretty keen, so when he observed a gradual shift in your behavior, he definitely took notice

♡ One day when you showed up to lunchtime empty-handed and sat with your two friends, casually chatting, Oikawa and Iwaizumi gave you a questioning look

♡ “Where’s your lunch, y/n?” Oikawa asked

♡ “Oh, I, uh, ate it already, actually.”

♡ Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow and offered you some of his, but you declined, thanking him and stating you were already full

♡ Later that day in class, however, Oikawa couldn’t help but notice the absence of your boxed lunch container in your unzipped backpack

♡ The next day, you came empty-handed again, blaming it on your forgetfulness during your rush to get to school

♡ However, it became a normal occurrence over time, and while you seemed fine, uneasiness began to prick inside Oikawa’s stomach

♡ Those smiles you wore appeared fragile, and the laughter that rumbled from your throat felt restrained

♡ You seemed more tired and unfocused than usual

♡ Preoccupied, withdrawn, and distant

♡ He could sense something was bothering you, no matter how much you may (or may not) have tried to hide it

♡ On his way to school one morning, he made sure to stop by a convenience store to pick one of your favorite snacks, thinking it was a simple gesture to brighten up the somber aura he’s been detecting from you

♡ “I have a surprise for you, y/n~” Oikawa announced with excitement, rummaging through his bag to pull out the snack and show it to you. “Look, it’s your favorite!”

♡ You could only offer him an uneasy smile, “Oh, you shouldn’t have...” You really shouldn’t have...

♡ When he noticed the tension in your body and expression, a frown appeared on his lips

♡ “Y/n? Is something wrong?” He reached out to place a comforting hand on your shoulder but you swiftly flinched away

♡ ”I’m fine..!”

♡ Surprised at your sudden movement and outburst, you both felt a split second of apprehension crackle in the air before you started to gather your items in a rush

♡ Sighing, you repeated, “I’m fine.”

♡ He wasn’t sure whether you were speaking to him or yourself

♡ “Thanks for the snack, but I’ll pass. Have it for me. You need it more, anyways; you have volleyball practice. I’ll see you tomorrow, Oikawa,” you offered him a solemn smile and left before he could even reply

♡ Some time had passed before he could finally get you to open up to him

♡ And when you did, it crushed his heart to see how much your insecurities broke you

♡ It hurt to hear how low you thought about yourself; how you couldn’t see the beauty in your being; how you deemed food, your body, and yourself as your worst enemies

♡ Thus bringing you to the conclusion that maybe you’d be happy and like yourself if you could just give up that midday snack or your school lunch

♡ Even raincheck a cafe date you were supposed to have together

♡ Maybe also skip dinner, sometimes breakfast the next morning as well

♡ You could manage on just water

♡ Little sacrifices to shed some weight, feel better, and get closer to your ideal body goals

♡ You admitted, however, to questioning whether any of it was worth it

♡ The constant states of hunger, pain, and defeat you lived in

♡ Only to feel as though you were getting nowhere

♡ Oikawa was well aware of today’s beauty standards. I mean, he himself was often praised for his natural charm and beauty

♡ And you felt you could never reach that ideal

♡ “Oikawa, you’re too good for me.”

♡ His eyebrows knitted in concern as he lifted his right hand to caress your cheek softly. “And why do you say that?”

♡ Tears threatened to prick at your eyes. All you could was stare at the ground in silent shame

♡ When you still said nothing, he leaned in closer, his brown gaze softly pleading

♡ “Y/n, look at me.”

♡ When your eyes flickered up to meet his own, Oikawa asked, “You know I love you, right?”

♡ His question was met with a meek, “Yes.”

♡ From your clouded glaze, he could tell that you had a hard time believing in your own response

♡  “Do you know why?”

♡ But before you could respond, he was already answering his own question

♡ “Well...” he began, glancing up in thought and wearing a small smile

♡ “Something about you makes me want to be by your side. I love to see your smiles and hear your laughter, but I always want to be there to hold you when you’re crying and in pain.”

♡ “You’re supportive. You understand what I need, and I don’t always have to explain myself to you. You take your time with me and make me feel like I can be myself. Not many people have stuck around to actually get to know me. Because of that, you’ve never failed to make my day a little better with just your presence.”

♡ “You’re strong and caring. I can rely on you to have my back, and I hope I provide that same comfort to you as well.”

♡ “I love being able to lazy around with you or go on adventures and discover something new. It’s comfortable and exciting at the same time.”

♡ “Your hands feel like they were made to hold mine.”

♡ He reached down to squeeze your hand gently

♡ “Kissing you makes me forget about everything else on my mind. I can just live in the present with you.”

♡ He moved close and gave you a peck above your eyebrow

♡ “You make me want to work hard and be a better person. You help motivate me to try my best, and you never give up on me. Why would I ever give up on you?”

♡  “I learn something new with you everyday. Like right now, I realize that I’ve never met someone who could so easily make my heart race as they could make my heart break.”

♡ “When I look at you, all I can think about is how beautiful you are and how lucky I am to have you in my life as a partner and one of my best friends. Nobody else could fill the gaps within me the same way you do.”

♡ Leaning over to brush his lips against your forehead, he muttered, “I’m going to love every part of you, inside and out. You’re already my ideal. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I could go on about every detail on why I feel so strongly for you, but I’m here to show you everything there is to appreciate about yourself because you’re worth every ounce of care and effort. And if you can’t see it in yourself right now, I’ll love you more than enough for the both of us until you learn to love yourself. I’m here to help.”

♡ And after crying out your tears into his shoulder as he held you close and rubbed your back, you both went to his house to relax and have some dinner

♡ He was patient with you, taking into account how having a meal may have made you feel anxious

♡ It was something small and simple that you two agreed to prepare and share, after some tender coaxing from Oikawa

♡ He later made a list in his journal about tips to keep in mind:

♡ ‘Check up on y/n often to see how they’re feeling’

♡ ‘Encourage them to eat meals/snacks. Don’t be too pushy, but be patient. Try to have eat with them when you can!’

♡ ‘Remind them they don’t have to earn the right to eat, and that their body doesn’t define their worth‘

♡ ‘Look into some mindfulness techniques!’

♡ ‘Don’t overvalue physical appearance. Also focus on all the other redeeming qualities y/n has! But of course I’m always gonna tell them they look cutee--’

♡ True to his word, he remained understanding

♡ He’s there to listen to you, or to sit with you in comforting silence

♡ During lunch he would share his food with you, reassuring you that it wasn’t something you had to avoid

♡ Some days he succeeds in encouraging you to share a milk bun or your favorite snack with him

♡ And on days you really didn’t feel like it, he never forces anything onto you and instead made sure you at least hydrated

♡ Oikawa spends some time doing research and gathering tips on how to help you

♡ Always reminds you of your worth and how you bring out the best in him

♡ He’ll never hold it against you if you ever become hostile, irritated, or in denial. He knows you’re hurting and doesn’t take it personally

♡ Sends you cute memes with all those emoji hearts

♡ Also some food puns (Oikawa: “I’m soy into you. Please brie mine. We are mint to be. I ap-peach-iate you. You got a pizza my heart. Olive you--” ; You: *puts a hand over his mouth* ; Oikawa: 🥺 ; You: “...olive you, too”)

♡ Always ready to give up what he’s doing to make sure you’re okay

♡ Will stay up with you late at night to talk on the phone

♡ Reminds you you’re beautiful at least 8 times a day

♡ If y’all ever go shopping and you try things on in the fitting room,, Oikawa would be your #1 hype man

♡ One time you tried something on, and you were almost too ashamed to step out and show him

♡ But when you did, you were met with his surprise and excitement

♡ “dfghjklkuyfuh” was all you could process from his incoherent speech before he insisted on treating you by purchasing it for you (Oikawa: “Can you wear this for me, like, everyday?” ; You: *weird look* “Why are you like this??” you love it tho--)

♡ Gushes internally over how cute you are during your movie + cuddle sessions, mostly pays attention to you rather than the movie

♡ Mid-movie be like:

♡ Oikawa: “So, uh, what’s happening again?

♡ You: -.- “You might as well google the whole synopsis instead of watching it”

♡ Oikawa: “...it’s not my fault you’re distracting, babe”

♡ Always politely excuses himself from his fangirls to get to you. Also reassures you he much prefers to be with you than anyone else and that you’re the best catch ;)) (You: “Oikawa, no” ; Oikawa: “y/n, yes”)

♡ Suggested doing some meditation together once

♡ You listened to a recording and you sat side by side on a mat, but Oikawa thought the person’s voice sounded funny so he had a hard time focusing

♡ But it ended with y’all laughing and making jokes as he lay his lead on your lap and you played with his hair

♡ Y’all get better at it tho

♡ Cooking dates! To try to show you that food isn’t an enemy and can bring people together :)

♡ Puts music on so y’all can jam together (Oikawa: “Oh my gosh, y/n, this is my favorite song, you’re not even rEADY to see me perform-- ; You: “Oikawa, t-the food! It’s burning!!”)

♡ Cooking dates also show that you should never leave the stove unattended

♡ Every once in a while he suggests seeking professional help. He wishes he could take away your pain and help you all his own, but he knows this is more complicated and required outside help, too

♡ Has help resources READY

♡ As well as small snacks like granola bars for you if you ever feel faint

♡ He doesn’t hesitate to confront you when he feels it’s necessary and he’s worried about your habits

♡ He handles things well, though, and often convinces you to take care of yourself more, even though he’s there to look after you

♡ Has made it his mission to help you win against your battle with insecurities

♡ Overall, he’s very caring and empathetic, hoping one day you’ll see yourself the way he sees you 💖 : strong, amazing, breathtaking, & perfectly imperfect

kuroo

♡ Occasionally, you would think about the day you broke down in front of him

♡ Your body racked with repressed whimpers as you tried to wipe the tears from your eyes and describe the recent state of your mind through choked sobs

♡ Lately, your thoughts were being especially relentless in making you feel miserable

♡ Oftentimes you’d be able to shove the negative thoughts to the back of your mind and carry on your day as usual, expertly acting as though everything in your life was going smoothly

♡ However, you found yourself fighting a losing battle against your own conscious, heavily preoccupied with thoughts of your own worthlessness

♡ And so you tried to cope

♡ But you were painfully aware of everything you felt was wrong with you

♡ You felt uncomfortable in your skin

♡ Every time you passed by your own reflection, you couldn’t help but mentally recoil at the image looking back at you

♡ Your clothes didn’t fit right

♡ Even when you opted for baggy clothes, you felt like you were taking up all the space in them

♡ Maybe it was the weight gain. You could see and feel it in your face, your arms, your stomach, your legs... everywhere

♡ You just wanted to hide away your shame

♡ Perhaps it was the dessert you allowed yourself to eat the other day. Foolish of you to think then that you wouldn’t regret it as much as you did afterwards

♡ As a consequence of those foolish actions, you made mental notes about anything and everything you ate. What it was, how much of it you had, etc

♡ Trying to restrict so that maybe you would lose some weight and come to like how you look

♡ Your obsessive thoughts of food and weight overtook your mind like a dark cloud

♡ Your favorite foods, which before would never fail to brighten your mood, taunted you with shame and guilt

♡ Exercise? Sometimes it was an activity you genuinely enjoyed. Other times, a chore that made you feel shitty or numb and reinforced your unhealthy desire to lose

♡ And you sometimes found yourself crying over your last meal, one you know you didn’t need. One you didn’t deserve

♡ And each time you released the reins on your self-control, you felt pathetic going against the vow you made to yourself  

♡ At this rate, you’d never be beautiful or be happy with yourself

-You’d remain unworthy, fat, disgusting--

-But before you could continue, your story was cut off by the impact of Kuroo’s embrace

-Your surprise silenced your sobs, and you could only stare wide-eyed at the space in front of you as you felt his arms squeeze tightly around your frame

-You both sat there for a few moments on your knees, with your back lightly leaning against a wall

- “I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing,” he begins softly. “Thank you for sharing with me. It must’ve taken a lot for you to do that.”

-He was right. It was your first time reaching out to another person about this. It was the last thing you thought you would’ve done today

- “I want to let you know that you shouldn’t be ashamed for feeling this way. Reaching out is important and brings you the help you need to get better. I know you might not want help right now or think that these thoughts and behaviors are a problem. However, telling me about all this shows that some part of you is recognizing there’s something wrong and you can’t always handle it on your own.”

-There were many reasons you kept this to yourself. You didn’t want to bother anyone else. Your problems seemed so trivial.  You worried saying them aloud would confirm your beliefs. You were scared people would see you differently. You--

-The intrusive thoughts never failed to make you feel ashamed

-However, it was oddly comforting to release the pent up emotions. To know you didn’t have to bottle up this burden anymore, and that you weren’t alone

-You were about to murmur in response when,

- “Also, you’re an idiot, y/n.”

- “Wow, thanks, as if I don’t already think that about myself,” you bit back in response

-You were about to shove him away just when he released his grip around your body and placed his hands on your shoulders

-His eyes shone with determination and a faint, inviting smile spread on his lips

- “You are the one of the single most important things in my life. I just mean you’re an idiot in the sense that you’re overevaluating one aspect to define your whole self. You’ve forgotten about all your other redeeming qualities that contribute to who you are.”

♡ “Your size, weight, shape; none of that matters. What matters is your health and happiness. Neglecting yourself in order to reach an ‘ideal’ that you’ve concluded is the answer to your self-worth is only bringing you farther away from what you truly want.”

♡ “I don’t mean to downplay any of your emotions or how significant this is to you. Your first step was to put your trust into someone else about this. That’s done. Now, I’m here to help you undergo self-evaluation and serve as encouragement on your journey to self-love and acceptance.”

♡ “I also want to remind you progress is not linear. There will be times when things are harder, and that’s okay; it’s part of the process. If you’re open to getting better in the future, I’m sure as hell going to be there every step of the way.”

♡ And with a soft peck to the forehead and another hug, he nuzzled into your neck and muttered, “I love you. And I want you to love yourself. So, please, allow me to help you through this and I guarantee that by the end of it all, it’ll have been so worth it.”

♡ Unsure what to say, you gripped his jacket tighter, buried your head in his shoulder, and muttered, “Thank you.”

♡ While the negative feelings about yourself remained afterward, you were relieved that your boyfriend was supportive and calm

♡ He treated you the same as always, teasing you over dumb things while making you feel like you stood among the highest peaks on Earth

♡ The day after, he had shown up to your house, weary-eyed and carrying his backpack

♡ “Kuroo? Why are you here? Also, why do you look so tired??”

♡ He stepped into your house with a yawn. He stretched his arms, then reached for his bag and whipped out his laptop

♡ “I stayed up a bit last night to do some research, babe! I also learned a lot about nutrition and molecular gastronomy, so I could help you come up with a meal plan that you’re okay with!”

♡ You were touched he was educating himself on how to help you

♡ But you drew the line at the science jokes-- (Kuroo: “You know you love them.” ; You: “‘Na’ I don’t.” ; Kuroo: :ooo “Did you just-- Marry me.”) (Na = sodium lol)

♡ His nutritional research helped you to learn the contents of food beyond calories; mans explains the vitamins, nutrients, amino acids, etc in them that you need and their benefits

♡ “Trout, avocados, and almonds have vitamin E, which is good for your skin! Oh, and don’t get me started on bananas. Yes, they have carbs (which your body needs anyway as a source of energy!), but POTASSIUM?? Shit’s gonna regulate your fluid balance, maintain heart health, stimulate normal muscle function, AND help your brain to communicate with the rest of your body!”

♡ ALSO cooking dates; just as chaotic (“Aw mannn, the egg exploded all over the microwave!” dont ask y it was being microwaved)

♡ Over time, he’s taken mental notes about your thoughts, feelings, triggers, etc

♡ He’s quick to pick up on your mood and will always ask you how you’re doing

♡ Tries to do something special for you on days you’re especially not feeling well, like taking you on a spontaneous date! (You: “Do you know how to ice skate?” ; Kuroo: “Uhh,,, after today, I will hopefully”)

♡ But will also opt for staying in with you and cuddling when you don’t want to go out (Kuroo: “I heard this movie is soooo bad! ...wanna watch it?”)

♡ Invited you to the beach with his team during the first week of summer

♡ You were unsure about this, since that meant going out in public, potentially with minimal clothing

♡ You initially sat on a beach towel under an umbrella, wearing the security of a T-shirt. He’d been aware of how you felt ever since he asked you to come, so he would sit with you and link an arm around your shoulder

♡ “I’m lucky I get to spend this day with you,” he’d say. “You look gorgeous. You always do. Now, I wanna see you smile and have fun. Let’s go take a dip, yeah?” He offered his hand, which you shyly took, and pulled you up

♡ Then immediately picked you up and started running to the water to get you soaking wet, and you were forced to ditch the heavy, waterlogged shirt

♡ However, you silently thanked him for his sweet words, making you feel secure enough to just forget your worries and enjoy the warm sun and cool water

♡ He also tries his best to lessen your anxieties over food and often shares/eats meals with you

♡ Reminds you everyday how much you’re worth to him and that there’s nothing about you that needs to change

♡ This sweet, protective, n smart boi will treat you how you deserve. It’s a guarantee he’ll be there through thick and thin, and he’s excited for the day you realize you’re just as amazing as he knows you are 💕

a/n: oop this was rlly long lol mb, i just may or may not personally know a bit about this so i went oFF

also neded to some som silly n fluff bc we all need dat

also, these r like kinda hc’s ?? but also a deconstructed oneshot/scenario?? bc they provide some rly brief bg story? one from more  of the character perspective while the other more on y/n before we get  to the hc’s about how he treats y/n. how everyone struggles w body image is different n i wanted to portray a bit of what it felt like and how it could manifest in ppl’s behaviors/thoughts. however, this is not to say that everyone feels exactly like this. what i wrote only represents a fraction of it all.

by providing some sort of bg i hope im not making u feel like this isnt u  or that u cant relate, pls lmk if i need to change anything to make it  right for u <3 ok now im actually done sry long author’s note  rfguhofe this is just rlly important to me y’all  , stay safe n take care, much luv for u <3

[thelightfluxtastic]

30DayTheri 24: Questioning

I’ve been asked for advice before on questioning a kintype. I’ll elaborate another day on things I questioned and realized weren’t right, because I think sharing experiences of “false alarms” and “I thought this was X but it was actually Y” is a really really helpful thing for the questioning process. But for today, here is my general advice on the process of questioning a nonhuman identity, regardless of type: Research!

I mean I’ve worked in research, so I have a bias here. I can’t find too many faults in having too much information. I would break down research into a few different subcategories: Research yourself Journal. Track your shifts or experiences. Try not to attach an assumed type to them right away. For example, if you feel a phantom tail, go with “I felt a flexible, curling tail” instead of “I felt a monkey tail”. The latter makes an assumption that might be wrong, predisposes you to certain conclusions, and ignores other options that might fit the bill (e.g. a chameleon). Try to be as open in your data collection as possible- remember, you’re gathering information, period. Try not to ignore some and weigh others more heavily, analysis comes later. Research animals/creatures Learn about the thing you suspect you might be! With animals especially there tends to be a difference between their real-life behavior and their cultural associations (Do you know wolves are anxious and neophobic? Do you know hyenas hunt more than lions, and lions scavenge?). Like with self-research, try not to box yourself in too early. If you think you’re a rodent, research birds and dolphins anyway. You never know what you might find, and it’s fun. Research humans I swear, the amount of people that neglect this part. How will you know you’re not human if you don’t know things about humans? “But I’ve been living as a human among humans forever!” you might say. That is not the same thing as understanding humans as a species, as one animal among many. The amount of times I’ve seen someone confidently claim an animalistic trait that’s just... normal human stuff. “I cock my head to the side when confused!” You have two ears and that helps localize sound next question. “I saw motion/a shadow out of the corner of my eye” Your peripheral vision is adapted for night vision and motion more than your central vision. “Smells are really important to me” Smell is the only sense that bypasses your thalamus (sort of a processing hub) and your olfactory bulb (smell) has a direct line to your hippocampus (memory). Frankly, I’m of the “everything I do is a thing a human can do because I, a human person with a human body, am doing it”. But still, I’d love to see more people actually research humans and not mistake completely standard things as some other species trait. Cool? Cool. Consider other options It’s not questioning if you treat it as a foregone conclusion with one answer. I’m personally of the “exhaust other options first” mindset but people can disagree with me on that.

Accept not all traits are indicative of a kintype. You have a lot of signs of a wolf theriotype but also like fruit? It doesn’t necessarily mean you are a fruit bat. You can just like fruit. 

Accept it might be a different label. Your experiences might be a copinglink, or otherhearted, or just a favorite character. That’s not an insult, just like it’s not an insult to every other nationality that I am and call myself Lithuanian. Terminology is for community-finding, not hierarchy. Your experiences might not be alterhuman at all, and that’s valid too. 

Accept you might not be what you want/think. Likewise, if you do find you have a kintype, it might be one you don’t like. We don’t choose our kintypes. Don’t try to force connections to your favorite animal, and try to appreciate whatever you find for what it is.

Accept that you might make mistakes. You could be wrong, try one label and find it doesn’t fit, think you’re one thing and find your another. It’s ok. It’s fine. Try not to cling to something out of attachment or some sort of principle. You’ll be happier if you can be yourself. 

Give yourself space

Questioning almost always leads to a spike in shifts, even if one isn’t otherkin/therian. I love research., But if you spend all day researching a particular animal, of course you’re more likely to dream about it, or think about it, or notice coincidental signs and similarities. If you’re a therian/otherkin, you’ll be that even when you’re not on tumblr or forums looking up shift terminology. Take some time to not be actively engaged. Heck, take some time off from thinking about it at all. And I mean months-years not days-weeks. It is way too easy to confirmation-bias your way into something. What persists even in different contexts (work, school, home, play, stressed, relaxed, alone, with others)? What persists months later? What persists without needing others to encourage it? What persists without you having to think about it?

What works?

Ultimately, no label is perfect and there are always overlaps between similar communities. What will matter most is your experience. For example, there is overlap between GNC women and trans men/transmasculine folks. When questioning my gender, I found both relatable, and questioned whether I was trans or a gender non-conforming woman. But being perceived as a butch woman was uncomfortable and dysphoric for me, and trying out trans spaces felt right (not that I agreed with everyone, but I found more kinship feelings there), so I came to identify as trans. When questioning the otherkin/therian identity, I felt ambivalent about my initial impression through tumblr, but on my first therian forum found people who described experiences exactly like my own, and that helped me embrace the label. The right label can act as a framework- recontextualizing other things, or giving you new tools that help you function better. So the question isn’t necessarily “which of these dictionary definitions applies to you” because that can be hard to be sure of when questioning. That’s the point of questioning. I’d posit instead: Where do you most find people that make you think “yes, exactly, that’s how I feel”? What label helps make other things in your life make sense? Follow that thread and see where it leads.

[anistarrose]

Some Sunny Day Bonus Chapter 3: Seen and Unseen

AO3

Summary: A grove of birch trees on a familiar hill, an encounter in the woods that goes terribly wrong, and two memory guns.

Characters: Stan Pines, Bill Cipher, Ford Pines, Fiddleford McGucket, Blind Ivan

Been a while, huh? I was planning to celebrate the anniversary of finishing this fic with two bonus chapters just stuffed chock full of hurt/comfort, but then life happened (I got a part-time job and also mild insomnia, you know how it is) so enjoy some prequel angst instead! This one is canon to SSD and set in early 1982, shortly after the portal incident.

***

After a scare with frostbite in late February, Stan sets out at the first sign of melting snow to resume his search for the journals. A snowdrift had blocked several trails behind the house last week, but now they’re passable — so long as you don’t mind the overcast weather, and being up to your heels in mud.

Stan had enjoyed hunting for fake treasure and following Ford’s cryptic clues when they would pretend to be adventurers as kids — he’d been good at it, even. But this time, Ford has left him no hand-drawn treasure maps or whimsical riddles — only more ominous clues, like a ransacked, now empty medicine cabinet, or a ripped out journal page about being watched with X-ed out triangles drawn in all the margins. Clues that make Stan feel like throwing up, because they should mean something to him, but he just can’t bring himself to think it through and face the inevitable conclusion.

This is all my fault.

He stumbles to a halt at the foot of a hill, and realizes he’s surrounded by birch trees. He’s surrounded by eyes that never blink — or maybe, he thinks, before he can tell himself he’s going crazy, eyes that only blink when I’m blinking.

The birch trees don’t scare him the way the rest of the forest does — he’s not afraid of some creature or cryptid sneaking up on him here, where the forest is so deathly silent and he’s left all alone with himself. They don’t scare him the way the town does, either — despite everything, he feels less watched here, where there are no strangers shooting him suspicious glares or cloaked figures vanishing around corners and into the shadows.

No, the birch trees set Stan on edge because whenever he sees them — makes eye contact with them? — he knows he’s forgetting something. It’s something important, something horrible, something dangerous — like the fear of having left the stove on, except multiplied by a million. Disaster is impending, and he’s the one to blame.

This is where I belong.

He hates this place, but he’s come this far, so he can’t leave without giving the eerie birch grove a proper search. He doubts that Ford, at the height of his paranoia, would hide a journal on a hill where even the trees could watch him — but if Stan leaves now, and can’t find the journal anywhere else in the valley, he knows he’ll have to revisit this place eventually. He doesn’t ever want to revisit this unpleasant memory again, if he can avoid it.

Setting out to leave no stone unturned, he finds there are few stones on the hill to turn in the first place. There are few hiding places of any sort, nor any signs of recent digging. Stan suddenly regrets throwing out his metal detector all those years ago, and wonders if the other journals have enough brass in them to give a signal —

The hairs on the back of his neck stand up before he realizes why. He knows someone’s coming before he hears the snap of twigs or the hushed voices, the murmur of “look at the footprints, he came this way.”

They’re coming from the direction of his — Ford’s house. They must’ve followed him — or as they believed it, followed Ford out here for a reason.

“Who’s there?” Stan shouts, cringing as he hears how hoarse his voice is. His impression of Ford improves as he adds, “What brings you out here?”

“We could ask the same of you, Dr. Pines,” a deep voice booms as two figures in hooded red robes step into view, one more hesitantly than the other. They both wield identical, uncomfortably gun-shaped contraptions. “Still haven’t given up on your project, have you?”

If these cultists, or assassins, or whatever the hell they are know anything about Ford, then Stan needs to know it too. He takes a measured risk.

“I have a lot of projects. You’ll have to be more specific —”

“Ya know what we mean, Stanford.” It’s the second robed figure who speaks up, the one who’d lagged behind his deep-voiced co-conspirator, and the Southern accent throws Stan for a loop. His words suggest some kind of threat, but his gun-toting arm hangs limp at his side. “I — I didn’t want to do this, I really didn’t — but you’re becomin’ a danger, Ford, a danger to yourself and to everyone. And we — we’re here to stop you.”

“Wait!” Stan holds up his hands, dropping his Ford impression. “You’ve got this all wrong! Ford’s not dangerous, he’s in danger and I’m trying to —”

“Enough excuses!” the first figure barks, raising his gun. “IT IS UNSEEN!”

Blue light beams out of the contraption’s bulb, and Stan instinctively raises a hand to shield himself — but the light bends in midair, as if refracted by an invisible prism. It illuminates the clearing like a flash of lightning, but misses Stan by a mile.

“I told you to wait,” he whispers. He understands nothing about the bending of the light, yet somehow, could not be more certain that he alone had caused it.

“Ford?” the second figure asks, no longer sounding hesitant nor conflicted. There’s only one emotion in that voice, and it’s fear.

His companion, on the other hand, aims again without a word — and the light soars over Stan’s head as he falls to his knees, numb to the pain of the impact. Numb to everything except one thought, one single truth, easier to face than any sort of self-reflection on the power he held.

They think I’m Ford. They tried to hurt Ford. They tried to hurt Ford. They tried to —

He makes a fist with his right hand, and he sees the scene through a hundred new perspectives as sickly yellow eyes blink to life on every birch tree. He makes a fist with his left hand, and the forest comes alive.

The robed figures trip over gnarled roots, one of them even dropping his gun, but the trees continue to animate, trunks bending over and bare branches wrapping themselves around limbs. A wind whips through the grove as the cultists flail, begging as they make eye contact — not with the arboreal limbs ensnaring them, but with Stan’s body itself.

And Stan watches in both complete control, and complete disbelief of it all.

There’s a pressure against his skull, a dam about to burst after holding the flood of memories back for too long. There are leaks already, trickles of information and sparks of blue fire that chill him to his core, as images flash through his mind without coming from the birch trees, or even from his own lifetime.

Ford’s not the dangerous one. I am.

Ford’s the one who’s in danger.

Because of me.

The birches loosen their grip on the cultists, who flee the second they can shake themselves free. Stan’s left alone again, staring himself down with his hundred yellow eyes, and he can see guilt in every one of them.

He rises to a standing position, roots winding around his boots and bark creeping up his mud-soaked pants. He can’t face the world, he can’t face Ford, he can’t face himself knowing what he’s capable of, knowing that he’s the worst of all the monsters lurking in the woods —

As the trees of the grove reshape their roots and the ground shakes from the strain, the dropped gun bounces towards Stan’s feet.

It is unseen, he remembers one of the figures shouting.

He picks it up, inputs birch trees, and holds it to his head as he closes as many of his eyes as he can. Fire burns away his memories, and a deluge of ink-black water rushes in to absorb the ashes and fill their place.

***

Fiddleford McGucket runs for dear life with Ivan hot on his heels, until they reach the museum and barricade themselves inside an empty room, bracing themselves for pursuit. When it doesn’t come, Fiddleford enters a name into the memory gun, starting over several times after his trembling fingers betray him.

“Just — just another monster to erase,” Ivan stammers, “with a more human name than most.”

Fiddleford finally gets the spelling right. Two flashes of light with the input screen reading Stanford Pines, and memories of the day’s encounter — and then some — go up in flames.

It is unseen.

***

Stan is kneeling at the muddy base of an even muddier hill, surrounded by trees that look like they’re staring at him.

Or maybe, eyes that only blink when I’m — never mind. That’s ridiculous.

On the ground in front of him is a strange kind of gun, with a lightbulb in place of the barrel. He thinks he’s glimpsed some robed, vaguely cult-looking types carrying these around in town before, so after staggering to his feet, he smashes the device beneath his boot.

He has a feeling he’s forgetting something important again, but he can’t be bothered to try and remember again. He can’t bear to think about it any longer.

***

End notes:

This hill with the birch trees is the same one where Ford took a nap and first met Bill, so needless to say, Stan’s gut instinct about Ford not hiding any journals in a place like this was dead-on.

I have a lot more bonus content planned for this series, like the two-parter I alluded to in the earlier notes, but I’ve got no idea when any of that’s coming aside from a cautiously optimistic estimate of “later in 2020.” Once again, I’m so grateful for all the support you guys have given this fic from the beginning just over two years ago, to the “ending” exactly one year ago, all the way up through today :’)

[buzzdixonwriter]

I've Told You A Million Times To Avoid Cliches Like The Plague

Recently a year old re-print of a 1959 Writer’s Digest article by Donald Westlake started circulating on social media.

First off, if you don’t know who Donald Westlake is, go find out.  You like rough edge crime stories, try his Parker books published under his Richard Stark pseudonym; you like funny crime, dig up the Dortmunder series under his own name; you like odd ball history, check out Under An English Heaven “being a true recital of the events leading up to and down from the British invasion of Anguilla on March 19th, 1969 in which no one was killed but many people were embarrassed.”

Second, Westlake was a serious writer in that he took the craft of writing Very Seriously indeed, no matter how light hearted and funny some of his books could be.  He wrote a blistering letter (later turned into an essay) in the fanzine Xero (starts on page 97) where he excoriated  the sci-fi field of the era as being neither artistically nor commercially viable.*

So who am I to challenge this master’s assertions?

Well, I take the craft of writing Very Seriously indeed myself, and to quote a late, lamented friend:  “Fools rush in, and there we are…”

The Writer’s Digest article is a mixed bag, partially a quick off-the-cuff job for a few bucks, partially a valid observation on pitfalls in writing popular fiction in September of 1959.

Bear the date in mind, it’s crucial to this discussion.

This was an era when Americans read a lot.  Millions of people subscribed to The Saturday Evening Post or dozens of other slick magazines (not to mention the digests, which are what the form the old genre pulps mutated into), and this meant each week dozens of new short stories or serialized novels were available to them (and that’s not counting non-fiction).

Westlake in 1959 was commenting on an over saturated market, one where too many writers and editors simply replayed old tropes over again and again because they knew a significant portion of their audience felt comfortable with them (this is particularly true in the slicks, more so than the digests).

Westlake divides his 36 plots into three groups:  Mysteries, science fiction, and slicks.

My first quibble lays in what Westlake means when he says “plot”.

From the original article:

“A plot is a planned series of connected events, building through conflict to a crisis and ending in a satisfactory conclusion. A formula is a particular plot which has become stale through over-use.

“My own working definition of plot is what I call “5C.” First, a character. Anybody at all, from Hemingway’s old man to Salinger’s teenager. Second, conflict. Something for that character to get upset about, and for the reader to get upset about through the character. Third, complications. If the story runs too smoothly, without any trouble for the character, the reader isn’t going to get awfully interested in what’s going on. Fourth, climax. The opposing forces in conflict are brought together. Like the fissionable material in an H-bomb and there’s an explosion. Fifth, conclusion. The result of the explosion is known, the conflict is over, the character has either won or lost, and there are no questions left unanswered.

“5C: Character. Conflict. Complications. Climax. Conclusion.”

All well and good, but in his article Westlake provides almost no examples of same.

To me, a plot is a quick summary of a story that lays out beginning, middle, and end:   G.I. Joe captures a Cobra secret weapon but doesn’t realize what it is.  Cobra needs to get the weapon back without alerting the Joes to its potential, and the Joes must figure out what Cobra is after before they can get their hands on it.

(There’s a lot you can do with that plot.  It can be a slam-bang action oriented story, a techno thriller, or a slapstick farce depending on your angle of attack.)

What Westlake presents are more along the lines of story springboards:  ”What would happen if…”

A lot of the situations Westlake presents are rife with potential: “John Smith is sitting in the park, feeding the other squirrels, when a beautiful girl runs up, kisses him, and whispers, ‘Pretend you know me.’”

Okay, let’s list the possibilities, shall we?

She’s being stalked by a creepy guy and needs protection…

She’s been hired to set Smith up for some reason…

She’s mentally disturbed from trauma in her past…

She’s a flipping psycho intending to kill Smith…

She’s a secret agent slipping a secret code in Smith’s pocket…

She’s a silly college girl doing this on a dare, unaware Smith is a serial killer…

Six stories right off the top of my head, and each one could be played in several different ways, from deadly serious to over the top farce.

That’s a lot of potential in a single trope.

Here’s another: “John Smith, private eye, is sitting at his desk, when Marshall Bigelow, thimble tycoon, trundles in waving thousand-dollar bills and shouting, ‘My daughter has disappeared!’”

Well, d’uh, isn’t that what private eyes do?  Find missing people?  Or uncover who committed a crime when people don’t want the police involved?  Or find out if a spouse is cheating?

Name a private eye story that doesn’t play off some variant of this.  From Murder, My Sweet to Harper to Shaft, hiring a private eye to find a missing person is a perfect way to get a story started.  “You find my Velma.”

Of the dozen story springboards he offers in his mystery section, none are unworkable, though two remain overly familiar to this day and probably are best avoided unless the writer can provide some incredible new spin.  

The science fiction section is more problematic, and here’s where I suspect Westlake was slumming (there ought to be an article on the type of articles one shouldn’t write for Writer’s Digest that includes articles like the one Westlake wrote).

Seven of the eleven clearly reference classics of the genre, and if this wasn’t a deliberate dig at those authors on Westlake’s part, one can only argue that while they may be shopworn now due to retreads by the untalented, these ideas remain strong enough to support a good story.

The other four remain headscratchers.  Two -- Adam & Eve and “atoms are tiny solar systems” -- are indeed hoary old ideas, burned off by EC comics earlier in the decade. 

I can’t say there weren’t thirteen year old aspiring sci-fi writers who submitted these to publishers and editors back in the day, but they seem more likely to have been found on the pages of fanzines (i.e., what sci-fi geeks had before the Internet) than a professional slush pile.

We know Westlake was active to some degree in sci-fi fandom of that era; could those two tropes have come from seeing those stories in the pages of amateur magazines?

The remaining two ideas represent a ribald attitude I don’t recall seeing in sci-fi digests of that era.

Oh, sex was starting to rear its beautiful head in science fiction, and there were a few cutting edge stories, but these two seem more like set ups for smutty fanfic, not genuine submissions of the time.

Again, something I’d expect to see in a fanzine, not a professional market.

Like I said, I think this tips off that Westlake is having us on, that this whole article came off the top of his head in a matter of minutes instead of being carefully thought out.

On the other hand, his critique of slick magazine fiction seems pretty spot on and devastating.

While he covers several sub-genres, his primary focus seems to be on stories written for a female audience, the type found in McCall’s and Ladies Home Journal.  He doesn’t come close to a dozen examples, however, as several (even those labeled as sub-examples) are just the same story springboard in different settings.

Two of his bad examples, however, stand out quite clearly as a dislike (whether personal / professional / aesthetic, I can’t tell) aimed at a specific series of stories found in The Saturday Evening Post, i.e., the Alexander Botts, tractor salesman stories of William Hazlett Upson.

One of Westlake’s verboten plots isn’t even a plot but a literary device: “Any story told in an exchange of letters”.  The other one that ties into Upson’s oeuvre is “Joe Doakes, a traveling salesman for a paper clip company, gets involved in some pretty unbelievable adventures in a small town in the Midwest. The other participants are a local belle and a salesman for a rival paper clip company.”

The two combined describe Upson’s Botts stories to a T.  The second one is richly ironic since Westlake eventually used the same basic premise for his Dortmunder series (the only change being Dortmunder is a thief, not a salesman; po-tay-to, po-tah-to).

Finally, Westlake left himself a huge out with “If you can take one of the 36 clichés listed above, and give it a brand new twist, so it doesn’t look like the same story any more, you may have a sale on your hands. If you search hard enough in the magazines on the stands today, you’ll find one or more of these variations currently in print.”

Look, I get it.  I’ve faced deadline doom before myself, and more than once have fired off a short piece that contained all the depth of a dixie cup.

This isn’t the worst writing advice I’ve seen, but it’s far from the best, and Westlake coulda and shoulda done better.

  © Buzz Dixon

   *  He wasn’t alone in his opinion, though ironically the 1960s proved to be one of the most fertile eras for the genre.  Yet Westlake and other writers such as John D. MacDonald, Frederic Brown, and John Jakes left sci-fi for other genres because it couldn’t support them either as artists or professionals.

[faithfully-limping]

hello world

So, I figured I should make an intro post, and talk about why I’m here :)

I’m Ian or Casey, a Christian who also happens to be a pansexual trans man. I am a student earning my Associates in CIT, specifically Programming. I love hiking and nature, reading, art, and food. Like many, I was raised in a conservative fundamentalist evangelical Christian household and environment. My family is non-denominational and went to many, many different churches with different beliefs through the years.

As a result, despite having what I see as loving parents, I received a lot of unhealthy and confusing theology growing up that is hard to shake. The most notable of which, of course, is that queer people will all suffer in Hell for all of eternity.

I was a fundamentalist and a homophobe doing evangelicalism for the majority of my young life. I told people in McDonalds and other various public places that Jesus would save them at age ten. I was sheltered; I figured queer people were only a thing in dark corners and hidden, shady places full of depraved people and criminals. If they existed at all.

Then, more and more friends I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing as “evil” began to come out to me. I lost a loved one, and experienced the near-suicide of another loved one, right around the time I began to have feelings for my same-sex best friend. For two years I prayed for God to take those feelings away, and received what I thought was silence.

My conclusion?

There must be no loving, intelligent higher power. Surely they must have heard my desperate cries if they were there.

For years, then, all throughout high school and early college, I was in limbo and struggling. I had absolutely no direction in my life and very little love for myself or others. Sure, I discovered I was queer, and took on what I’m sure is a familiar attitude of pride- I was born this way and fuck anyone who says otherwise, you know? If I burn in some god’s underworld, fine, because it’s not like I can change who I am. I tried that. Later on, when I began to deal with the pain of rejection and queerphobia in more mature ways, I tried other beliefs, other religions, other practices. I love them all, and I believe they all have their parts to play in others’ lives, just as they did in mine, but I could not escape a different call.

I constantly worried about Hell, about life after death, and most compellingly, a higher purpose. I’d had a messy coming out to my family, a horrible relationship and breakup, pain was coming in at all sides. I had dropped out of college twice, lost a job, and ended up doing what I thought at the time was nothing. I now see it was recovery.

I felt pretty awful about myself, still living with my parents, bringing in very little money selling products online, finding very little joy in my day to day life. I’d once loved art, nature, animals, reading. I couldn’t muster up the energy to do those things anymore. I tried escaping through food, through Netflix, through gaming. I then tried self improvement, business, and art. I tried going back to school.

There was always something missing.

In fall of 2019, a family member lost a job, and decided to pursue some much-needed disability. Our household income, which was six figures, was halved. In an attempt to lower our rent and bills, we started looking for a house to buy and own. It sounded crazy, but for a month we searched and got no results. Nothing was in our price range and safe and big enough for a family of four.

One day, I witnessed my dad praying in his truck.

The very same day, we got our dream home (a fenced in yard, a fireplace, a quiet neighborhood), the house we are currently living in, for a price lower than what we expected to pay.

This event came off the back of several points of pain and stress in my life- facing the reality of death and worrying about that. Returning to school. Family health issues. Then, a miracle providing for us.

I couldn’t ignore God calling me any longer.

But, I was still queer. I’d already tried suppressing and ignoring that, I’d tried praying it away. I’d tried ignoring faith. I’d even tried integrating the two before, but got so hung up and distressed about the Side A vs Side B debate at the time, that I just couldn’t bear to face faith and sexuality together. I went back into limbo.

Why was this time different?

Maybe it was because that was when I discovered Queer Theology. It certainly was a big part of it. Maybe it was because a friend had bought me The Screwtape Letters just months before. Maybe it was because my brush with self improvement as the center of my life had taught me to weigh things more maturely, to stay emotionally centered, and to seek to be virtuous and contribute something to the world. Or maybe it was because I discovered Ask A Mortician that one day, or saw I Can Only Imagine in theaters with my family on the best vacation of my life a few years prior. Maybe it was the journaling Bible my mother gifted me as a surprise (a genuine surprise- I was a Pagan at the time) on my 21st Easter. Or, or, or...

Do you see what I’m getting at with that paragraph? Maybe it wasn’t just one thing. Maybe everything, everything in my life has connected in an intensely miraculous and complex way to lead me to that decision to ask God to come back into my life.

Everything. Every movie, book, video, game, person, bite of food, sight of nature... All of it shaped me into this person who is able to say today that I am queer, I am loved by God, and I love him back. I don’t have all the answers yet of what my life should look like, how I should live this love, but I want to build my relationship with my Lord. I have returned to prayer, I am learning to appreciate and embrace the depth and beauty of the Bible in new ways. I have been journaling, but I guess in typing all this out and posting it, I’m finally strong enough to seek out one of the pieces I am missing; community. Putting myself out there is terrifying, and I still have a lot of spiritual baggage to work through, but I’m here.

And I see now that God’s silence in response to my attempts to “pray the gay away” was an answer.

It was a “No.”

It was a “My grace, my mercy, my love is enough.”

It was a “Have faith in me.”

[gloriousladycrusade]

Chapter 2: Finally the magical time travel-ish {Chapter 1}

Chapter Text

I awoke jumping up from my bed lacking sleep as I usually have woken up, but these times I have tears in my eyes and they feel sore. I looked around to see my room, but a major thing was missing, the photo I held of my son smiling and the journal of the stories we exchanged during his last moments.

I immediately jumped up rummaging my room trying to find the most important items I own, could someone have stolen them?! I heard someone knocking on my door.

I was blinded by frustration, anger, and grief. I violently slid the door open causing a very loud thud of it hitting the wall, expecting a watcher or Caramel Arrow only to see no one until I looked down.

I saw my son, as a child, afraid, with tears brimming from his eyes, I was washed with regret and confusion.

I fell to my knees very vexed and had too many thoughts spinning in my head if I finally broke and am hallucinating. I was at the point of tearing up again, thinking the world has played some twisted joke upon me.

I was proven wrong when I felt small hands wiping the tears that were apparently falling from my face. I had apparently shed tears without me knowing again. “Father! Are you okay?!” I didn’t say anything, I just embraced my son. Hopeful it wasn't a some twisted illusion or a nightmare.

I can’t tell if I lost it or that it was a very long nightmare, I don’t care to know which one, I pray this is no trick. I let go and looked back down to see my son who is now very much alive but now a child. I don’t know when this was, was he brought back or did I really get a 2nd chance?

I realized he was looking at me worried and confused at my state. “Father, what's wrong?” I had nearly forgotten what he sounded like as a child, he sounded like any other child filled with life and determination. Right now however, he sounds really worried about me.

I did not deserve his love for me, I neglected the responsibility of a father and taught him how to survive and protect others, never did I teach him how to appreciate and love those he protected and survived for.

All that he had gotten when he left was how cold and grueling this kingdom was to him, nothing more. I spaced out again, and never really assured my situation, he was brimming in tears either still or because of my concerning actions.

“Father?” I gave a small pat on his head “I’m.. not feeling the best today, forgive me for scaring you earlier son.” He looked up with the same expression still “Did anything stress you again?”

Right, this was me being delved into my responsibility as a king. I shook my head, I was far more disturbed by other things that were worse. “No, I..” I tried to find what to say to no avail.

I merely just walk back to my bed, sliding the door back closed and sitting down on the bed checking one last time that this isn’t a hallucination or some type or cruel trick. My son followed me but did not sit next to me, instead he merely just waited in front of me.

I gestured to him that he could sit down. He does sit down next to me, I think he was quite reluctant about it. “I- please, if this isn’t real, please tell me…” I looked back at him and he was probably thinking about what to say, he was smart and mature for his age, I await his response.

After a short silence “I’m pretty sure I’m real, unless we’re both dreaming,” He lays down on bed “Did you have a nightmare father?” I really do not know, I just hope not, that would be the worst conclusion.

“I don’t know, what is the date today?” I said looking at him, he looked more worried than scared a while ago, tilting his head in confusion. “Well, it’s, ~~~~” He sits back up to look at me and points somewhere in the room “there’s also that calendar you have”

I looked at the general area he pointed to and saw a calendar, I got rid of it later on at one point forgetting I even had one. I just give a frustrated sign trying to rack my mind back together.

I can hear him rustling and moving, I was too busy thinking. What happened? How did this happen? How did I possibly get far back? I felt multiple taps on my shoulder that I subconsciously ignored to delve into thought. “Dad”

I sort of slightly jerked my head up, I haven’t heard him call me that in a long time, it was usually only father. I looked down on him to see what he had to say. “Um- I mean father,” I visibly frowned, I was frowning at myself and what caused him to just state me as father and only father.

I shook my head “No, dad or whatever you feel like calling me is okay.” He stopped being tense and nodded back in slight relief at me. “Do you want to talk about it, Dad?”

I finally realized how bad I was with emotions and everything about it, even though I wanted to, I have no idea how to. “I…really don’t know how to” He tilted his head again looking at me, “Hmm, well I can just ask questions that can help you talk about it?”

I just sighed again and nodded, not really knowing what to do after. “What’s bothering you right now?” I was very hesitant to say it, what else can I say?

“I.. you,” He looked confused and somewhat hurt “I’m bothering you?” “No! You’re not bothering me, I… something happened to you” His look of concern was back “In your dream?” I really have no idea what to say or react, how am I supposed to say my situation without sounding deranged?

I stayed quiet for a while “hopefully, it was all a dream…” He stared at me in silence, I didn’t even look him in the eyes, I just looked down. He moved to sit next to me, placing a pillow on my lap and laying his head on said pillow, and looked up at me.

“Did something happen to me?” I could only nod in defeat even though there was nothing to lose to. He was quiet for a while and again then finally spoke 3 words that have affected me more than it should have. “Did I die?”

I just froze with my mind blank, trying to process 3 simple words, he was always good at these things. He somehow always knew. Tears slowly fell down my face again landing on my son.

“In my arms, it was a clear night, the stars and the moon were the brightest I’ve ever remembered.” His expression at me didn’t change “And what happened after?” Tears fell heavier and quicker “I was in denial, I tried everything, and yet you still died. I pushed the healers too hard on something they could not do.” He sat up to hug me, latching onto my neck. I could hear him sniffling, I guess he was also crying.

I hugged him back, I was too choked up to say anything. “It’s okay dad, I’m here” His voice was broken saying it. I clung onto him alswell, I was never good with words. I said nothing other than strangled sobs. “It’s okay papa, I’m here” I couldn’t tell if those words were to comfort me or him, either way it doesn’t matter.

“I love you papa” I hugged him harder, I do not deserve those words from my kind son. “I love you too son, I love you so so much, I..I.. regretted not saying these words to you for so long I-” “It’s okay papa, I know you love me even if you don’t say it” I was too stunned to say anything and loosened my grip and sat him in front of me to look at him again. I really did not deserve this, his love and admiration. I really planned on not letting him go for a long time until there was an eventual knock on the door.

“Sir? Is everything alright?” I could hear one of the watchers say, I look at my son, he doesn't want to let go so I just carry him and open the door. “Everything’s fine, what’s the schedule today?”

The watcher diverted his attention to look at me carrying my son for a bit and eventually, albeit they sounded reluctant for some reason, gave me my schedule for today. I thanked them and set off to do them all while carrying my son still latched on my neck.

I had to set aside my emotions for now and do my duties. I saw the former watcher trainer somewhat nervously pacing through the halls looking for something or someone and then spots me, immediately making a beeline for me and bowing.

I noticed my son fell asleep in the commotion of the morning. “My king, the young prince was not present so I went-” I gave a silent ‘shh’ and pointed to my son. They were confused at first then perked up all happy and now speaking in a quieter voice.

“Ah, forgive me my king, the young prince seems to be tired, I shall schedule a different time for him to attend his training.” They gave an endearing smile, bowed again and left.

I was never eccentric to do my ‘kingly duties’, but they were necessary so I never complained or state that I loved doing it. That last part would be a blatant lie, I would be amused by some of the outlier problems that were present, but it never becomes anything more.

I give a small sigh, still carrying my son. I somehow manage to sit down in the throne/work chair and figure out how to write and sign some papers. (think of this like the tree of wishes except it was on citizen’s problems with things in the citadel, ect, and informing them to dark cacao)

I was hardly expressive to everyone, but right now I would not need to keep composure so I’m pretty sure I was very visibly inconvenienced by this. With a lot of small complaints and annoyed sighs later,

I was around halfway there, I think. Then I noticed my son waking up, giving a small yawn, he did not let go still, possibly feeling lazy.

I’m not going to stop him from doing so “Good morning” I could hear him reply a tired quiet ‘good morning’ back. “You know, I saw someone report that a cake hound stole something and they want it back”

He finally let go, I was kind of sad and relieved, he has a decently strong grip for a child. “Really? That’s so stupid. Are you sure that was a real complaint?” He was trying to find it through one of the completed neat stacks of papers I signed and or reviewed.

I moved his hand away from the papers giving him the paper, I saved it in case of this happening. “Those papers took a lot longer of my life than what you think” He was chuckling “All because of a cute little cake hound” I give an annoyed sigh “yes, and apparently the wind as well”

he was still looking through and reading the random needs, requests, and or problems that need to be fixed. “Hehe, apparently you’re in a good and bad mood at the same time today”

I nod my head, reluctantly agreeing, thinking how I never really acted like this at all back then and this would be a weird shift.

I keep writing and signing after like 5 of the papers I yawned and shut my eyes for a few seconds only to be greeted with a paper in front of my face. “Someone’s kid lost their favorite stick in the forest” I gave a groan of annoyance and was very tempted to slam my head on the table.

“I want to slam my head on the table” It was all I could say in response and he was laughing at it. “Sooooo, are you going to send watchers to find the missing stick?” I resumed scanning the papers “Only a cake hound at most, they have a better chance and more excitement finding a stick”

He chuckled at that agreeing and it was quiet for a while, I was too busy being annoyed at what I’m currently doing forgetting this unfortunate chore. “I’m glad” Well that cut through the quietness, I didn’t say anything, I just looked at my son to show that he has my attention.

“Can we have more days like this? Please?” I was hurt that he had to go through this the first time, I always cared about him. Being a stone-cold king as someone’s usual personality usually is not someone’s great view of what a good father would be, I agree.

I looked back at my son and saw him awaiting my response, I accidentally took longer to respond. “Of course, I would be glad to have more days like these.” I set down the brush I was holding on the ink pad “As long as I don’t have to carry you everytime” He was giggling “Umm dad, can I hug you?” I nod “You don’t ever need to ask okay?”

He didn’t respond, he just hugged me “thank you” I gladly hugged back giving a genuine smile I’ve had in a long time “Of course” Time passes by quickly as a watcher walks a while later and says that a party has come back.

We both sat up from the throne room finally, I hate that chair. We were walking, escorted by the same watcher. Midway I told them they could go back to their post and that we would be fine. After some time of still walking towards the gate I see my son immediately walk somewhere else towards the mini pond present near.

I followed him down to the pond and he was crouching down and looking at the pond. I don’t know what he’s looking at but I don’t really need to care. “You know we need to greet and treat the watchers’ return” I say as he looks back, he nods in response

“I just wonder how that pond didn’t freeze over yet, it’s always so cold here” I nod understanding his curiosity and looked back at that tiny pond asking the same question within my head.

We kept on walking towards the gate, everyone one born here is used to the harsh weather so the cold doesn’t bother us as much as other cookies from other lands. “Hey dad, can you carry me again?” I playfully roll my eyes at him “And break my back doing so? I think not.” He was swinging my arm back and forth

“Pleaseeeeee? You always carry that sword that’s like 10 times heavier than me on the battlefield!” I gave a small chuckle “You can walk, I can see the gate from here.” He kept swinging my arm, he was never like this, most likely because I was never like this back then. “Pleaseee?”

I raised a brow looking at him and reluctantly agreed. One thing I agree with is that he was much lighter than the grape jam sword, a sword I've gotten used to carrying, no ordinary cookie can carry it of course. I’m also quite sure back when my son was older before this chance, he would still have a hard time carrying it.

“So this is what it’s like to be tall, I want to be tall like this someday!” I knew he would be as tall as me in the future, I gave a small smile again. “I’m sure you will be when you grow up.” We get to the gate already opening revealing the group of watchers returning.

They were all fine with little injury and no casualties “Looks like they’re all fine” he was resting his chin on top of my head, he’s right, most of them look fine. “That does not mean they’re not tired” he hums in response “I’m not coming down you know” “You will come down soon for my back’s sake”

He laughs it off while we go over to the watchers “My king we found a different snow prowler along the way but we handled it and drove it away”

I nod “Was that the only note-worthy thing in the radius around the walls?” “Not really sir, the Snow Prowler was driven away, but we found a strange plant that was not recorded in the herbology records.”

A strange plant? This caught my son’s attention as well “Hello young prince” He gave a small wave “Hi” Strange, an undocumented plant unfound for so long near the walls? I tell the watcher to give their information on said plant to an informant to record it.

“Your majesty, everything has been accounted for.” I tense only slightly, and accidentally made my face immediately fall and look aggravated. I know that voice, that traitorous sea snake, Affogato.

I had forgotten that they were a long time advisor, along with Caramel Arrow being a heavily trusted watcher. I turn to see him giving the same fake expression of his traitorous two-sided face, with a smile that I now interpret differently.

A smile of trust is what I used to think it was, now it is nothing more to me but a deceptive facade. I compose myself and then nod. “Thank you Affogato, feel free to do what you want for the week.” I do not trust that leech to do and maintain my duties, they looked surprised at my decision.

“But my liege! You have a heavily crowded schedule and it would take more effort and energy for you to finish them all!” I shook my head “I will be fine..” I look back up to my son that I'm still carrying and look back at them “I will manage”

With some help hopefully and maybe even just some plain motivation from my son. "Are you sure my liege?" I just nod, I realized how power hungry he was in the future. A side of him I will note and be weary of.

[randomthoughtsrandomdude]

HonesTEA time! (Notice how this isn't a Hot Take Wednesday post.)

I'm going to state a few facts that led me to my conclusion, and then I'll share the HonesTEA. (Please note: HonesTEA is made from observations that have been steeping in my brain, but as it contains no actual "tea", it is not in violation of the Word of Wisdom)

Prep time: About 20 years for me to gather everything, but assembly only took about 2-3 weeks.

Yield: Quite large, so pace yourself or risk getting overwhelmed.

For this HonesTEA, you'll need the following facts:

- The only perfect person to walk the earth, in the history of ever, is Jesus Christ

- God the Father, and his Son have knowledge and power that is eternal and all-encompassing.

- They have only ever had imperfect people to work with to share the gospel and change the world.

- Man's knowledge is still growing, and thus not all-encompassing.

- Joseph Smith, a single man, was given revelation to change the world.

- Each individual on Earth is entitled to their own personal revelation that they can use to help those within their responsibility (eg. fathers for their families, leaders for their congregations, etc).

- Using the knowledge he was given, Joseph Smith was able to share his vision with others and establish the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

- The purpose of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is to bring others closer to Christ through obedience to His laws and ordinances.

- The Church is led through continuing revelation, and we believe there is still much to be revealed before Christ comes again.

- The prophets and apostles, though led by God, are still men, and thus imperfect. They aren't heathens, but they can make mistakes just like you and me.

- When a person makes a mistake, or sins, the expected next steps is to admit the mistake and then take actions to make right what was wronged.

Now for the recipe:

- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is, as most people would consider, a good organization. The intention that all mankind can know their Creator and Heavenly Parents, and establish a relationship with Them that results in a desire to live with Them again is inherently good. 200 years ago, a young man with a question about how to move forward with his life started the ball rolling to bring us to the Church as it stands today. The trail has not been smooth or steady, but things have definitely come a long way.

- Throughout those years, due to the imperfect nature of man, there have been mistakes. There have been policies enacted and revoked, statements made and then rejected. This is not unusual, because again, man is imperfect.

- Some of these actions/policies/statements originally claim to have been inspired.

- When they are later renounced, that also comes through the claim of having been inspired.

Now here's where things might get lumpy, so pay careful attention:

- We (LDS general membership) believe that God is no respecter of persons, and that all are alike unto Him, both male and female, bond and free; because of this, there's nothing He does to actively bar anyone from coming unto Him.

- From 1830-1852 there were no bars to who was received into the church, and allowed full access to the blessings and ordinances of the Gospel.

- In 1852, the policy to restrict priesthood ordination was put into place, with no explanation that still stands today as a reasonable excuse for it to have been put into place. This policy also restricted black members from ordinances beyond baptism. Elijah Abel, a man who had received the priesthood before the ban, petitioned to receive his endowment in 1879 and was denied. Jane Manning James asked to be able to perform ordinances for her ancestors and was only allowed to do baptisms for the dead, and nothing more.

- In the min-1900's (nearly 100 years later, for those who are counting), clarification was made that the restriction was solely for men of black African descent. Other dark-skinned races, such as Fijians, Pacific Islanders, and Australian Aborigines had no such restrictions.

- Changes didn't seem possible until the question of how the charge to "go ye therefore, and teach all nations" could be fulfilled with the policy of exclusion in place.

- It wasn't until Church leaders were faced with the fact that they were asking members to build temples that they would later not be able to enter that there seems to have actually been a serious supplication with the Lord about what to do.

- June-September, 1978 (136-ish years for those who are counting). President Kimball receives the revelation to rescind the ban, and over the next few months it is unanimously received by the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, the other General Authorities, and eventually the general membership in attendance at 148th Semiannual General Conference.

- Now, in a Gospel Topics essay (published in 2013), it states "Today, the Church disavows the theories advanced in the past that black skin is a sign of divine disfavour or curse, or that it reflects unrighteous actions in a premortal life; that mixed-race marriages are a sin; or that blacks or people of any other race or ethnicity are inferior in any way to anyone else. Church leaders today unequivocally condemn all racism, past and present, in any form" (footnote here references a talk from President Hinkley April 2006).

- This is good. This is very good. So why did the publication of the Come, Follow Me book (copyright 2020) intended to help families and children include a section about 2 Nephi 5 that was *very racist*?

- Granted, once this was pointed out, the online version was quickly updated and a statement was made by Irene Caso (a Church spokeswoman) about the error. (I can only find this statement in the article published by the Salt Lake Tribune, it doesn't seem to be anywhere on the Church's website)

Once you've let that steep for a good hour or two, let's proceed:

- How is any of this explained in a way that doesn't include racism?

- I *refuse* to believe that God is racist.

- Don't blame God for the shortcomings/mistakes of man. (Article of Faith 2, anyone?)

- I hope whoever was put in charge of that section of Come Follow Me was suspended, possibly even fired. I honestly do. And probably whoever their quality-checker was.

- Because you know. You KNOW. That the Church isn't some small-town publishing company. You would *expect* there to be multiple quality checks before a World-Wide MANUAL is sent out TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.

- (side-note here as I am monolingual, I don't know if this was also translated into other languages. BUT IF IT WAS HOW WAS IT NOT CAUGHT?)

- (second side-note, if you do some research on blackness in the Topical Guide, you'll come across Joel 2:6, which in its footnote states that blackness is a Hebrew idiom for gloom. Take that nugget and apply it to the Hebrew-influenced Nephi's journal [also known as 1st and 2nd Nephi] and enjoy some new perspective)

- I'm fortunate enough that I'm not seeing blatant racism posted across my social media, but if it can make it into the Church's manual, then it is in the Church.

- With the world in the climate it's currently in, I would looooove to see some tangible, solid evidence behind the Church's claim to "unequivocally condemn all racism".

- Maybe it's through revoking temple access? Maybe it's through being unable to take the Sacrament? Whatever it is, there's some serious application of repentance that's needed.

- In any case, there are some Major Misdeeds done to our POC brothers and sisters, and the leadership of the Church has been alive for most of the reparation process (Ulisses Soares would've been ~18 at the time of the ban being removed.).

- But we're 42 years into it, and we still have so much more to do.

- All is not well in Zion.

- And I don't care what your calling in the Church is.

- If you're racist, you are preventing yourself from receiving the revelation necessary to help those who are looking up to you for guidance.

- And you need to fix that.

Now let it cool and enjoy! The HonesTEA pairs nicely with thoughtful acts of service, or with meaningful discussion, and is safe to share with your electronic friends! Leftovers never expire, so you can enjoy HonesTEA whenever you want!

[nanamicide]

A life of her own - chapter 6

Read on AO3

Dear me,

So, this is it, isn’t it? My entire life until a month ago was one big lie. I can’t say I didn’t expect it. I can’t say that I haven’t known this all long. But admitting it hurts. Having to talk about it, and come to that conclusion, even though Gekkogahara-san was there to support me along the way, hurt like hell. I don’t think anything had ever hurt me in such a manner before. It really cut deep – as if I was on the battlefield and some skilled soldier were stabbing me repeatedly, making sure to not hit any organ that would cause my death and wanting me to suffer with each and every hit.

I don’t know if I can recover from this. I feel like I have to, but it isn’t easy. It doesn’t help that I’m too much of a coward to open up to Naegi-kun about this. It doesn’t help that I still don’t feel like I deserve to spend time with him. It doesn’t help that I’ve been watching him get closer and closer to Kirigiri-san while the voice inside my head is screaming at me to just tell him already.

Still, that’s not the worst part about any of this – I don’t feel like it’s right for me to get so hurt over things. After everything I’ve done with Junko, I deserve all these things. It doesn’t matter that Gekkogahara-san says I have circumstances that can explain my past actions. It doesn’t matter that Naegi-kun thinks there is some good in me and that I will be able to redeem myself sooner or later. I killed people. Many people. So many that I can’t even remember all their names. They were never people to me. They were obstacles in Junko’s way – obstacles that needed to disappear. And I made them disappear.

So what if Junko killed our parents? So what if she never loved me? So what if everything in her belongings is just extra proof of the fact that there was nothing that she loved more than despair? So what if, somehow, she was always like this? So what if I let her kill the only person who had the means to save her and was actively trying to do so? I can’t suddenly have feelings after everything I’ve done for her. My pain isn’t legitimate.

And yet, I am hurt. I am so hurt that I’ve been ignoring Naegi-kun for the past three days. Yesterday he slipped a note under my door saying he was worried about me, which made me feel even worse. Why on earth would anyone be worried about me? I’m not worthy of any of this. I’m not even worthy of receiving therapy. I’m not worthy of writing in this journal. Because at the end of the day it’s like, boohoo, poor Mukuro, she’s sad because she finally became aware of her sister’s true nature, but at the same time she enabled all of it! She was plotting and working with the one who was responsible for her parents’ death!

Poor little Mukuro, the guy she likes likes someone else, but she would have killed him without a second thought if her sister had asked her to.

This is pathetic, isn’t it? I keep saying that I shouldn’t be hurt over any of this, and yet I keep whining here. I keep whining instead of living my life the way I promised Gekkogahara-san I would during one of our first sessions together. I keep whining instead of doing what I owe all the people I murdered in cold blood, without even feeling any regret.

So here I am. I have no idea where to go from here. Gekkogahara-san suggested I grieve as much as I need to, but as I’ve been saying the whole time, and even though I can’t stop myself from doing it, it doesn’t feel right. So, I want to stop, regardless of what she thinks I should be doing. I understand that she’s an expert and all that, but after all the consequences me just following someone else’s orders have had, I no longer want to just listen to people.

I guess I want to regain some sort of control over my life, but I feel as though I have none. I can’t stop myself from being sad even when I feel it’s not legitimate. I can’t confess to Naegi-kun, even though this would be my one chance to stop him from getting to close to Kirigiri-san and make him see me as something different than the girl who needs a friend and a lot of support. Hell, I can’t even stop myself from liking him when I believe I do not deserve to be with him. I can’t really do much. All I can do is just sit around and feel sorry for myself. I don’t really enjoy it. I don’t enjoy it at all, actually.

Truth is, there is something I could do. In the note he slipped under my door yesterday, Naegi-kun invited me to a picnic that’s taking place tomorrow. Apparently, all our classmates will be there too. Meaning it won’t just be the two of us. Meaning it might make things even worse than they already are – but you know what? I would deserve that.

Still, I won’t go if I’m still feeling the way I’m feeling right now. I know they will ask me questions about Junko, and given the current state of things, that’s terrifying. I don’t want to have to deal with people judging me for siding with the person who murdered my parents. I don’t want to have to explain what I’ve done for her. I don’t want to see Yasuhiro-kun’s and Asahina-san’s faces turn a ghostly white when I talk about how I’ve murdered people.

I don’t want to have to tell them we had come up with an awfully specific plan that would have ended with them mutually killing each other. I don’t want to have to tell them that I was so stupid I thought Junko would have never thought of murdering me. I don’t want to admit that I enjoyed doing all these things with and for her because it made me feel useful to her – because it made me feel like she would always been there for me; like she actually liked and needed me just as much as I liked and needed her.

I don’t want to have to say these things in front of Naegi-kun. He’s never asked me any such questions, and I don’t think he imagines what my answers would be like. If he heard these things, he would probably never want to talk to me again. I would understand that, but I wouldn’t want it, regardless of how much I would deserve it.

It’s all so conflicting and confusing. No amount of talking and writing and having therapy sessions about it can change that. I’m starting to understand that things are never truly black and white, no matter how much Junko pretended they were. It’s never hope against despair. It’s hope and despair together. Just like it’s me knowing I have no right to be depressed while also being depressed; me wanting to be with Naegi-kun while knowing I don’t deserve him; me not wanting to lie and deceive anymore while understanding that it may be necessary for me to be able to have the normal life I crave.

I don’t hate Junko. I never did. Regardless of everything she’s done, I can’t bring myself to hate her. I feel like some people expect me to do it, but I can’t. I think that’s also part of things never being fully black or fully white.

-

Mukuro hurriedly closed her journal as she heard someone knock on her door. She still wasn’t feeling good, but something about what she had spent the past thirty minutes writing made her feel as though she had the strength to face people. Besides, part of her was hoping it would be Naegi-kun, even if the note he’d given her yesterday read that he would leave her alone today, and that he understood that things could be rough for her.

Her eyes widened as she opened the door and saw Sakakura-san stand there in the rain. She’d never had any pleasant interactions with the man – Mukuro understood that he resented her for the things she’d done for her sister – but something about the look on his face made her feel as though today wouldn’t be entirely bad.

“You need to come with me,” he spoke dryly. “Munakata-kun wants to see something.”

She raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth to ask a question, but the Ultimate Boxer cut her short.

“You’ll find out what this is once we’re there. I can’t tell you more than this. Some people may overhear us, and this would be bad.”

She nodded and followed him outside, thinking that she had nothing to lose. Of course, since he couldn’t tell her anything about what he needed her for in public, this meant that this was something related to with the Ultimate Despair – implying that whatever Mukuro would have to do wouldn’t be easy for her to go through. Yet, she found some sort of hope in it. If she could do what Munakata-san and Sakakura-san expected from her, she would definitely be able to face her classmates tomorrow.

Her determination somehow fell short as she noticed that Sakakura-san was injured. The rain and the clouds had made it difficult for her to make out his face when he was standing at her door, but now that they were walking by different sources of artificial light, she noticed a few bruises on his face. She wondered what had happened to him and if this was related to what he needed her for. She hoped not – she didn’t want to be a brainless soldier whose only purpose was to fight anymore.

The two of them eventually walked in the faculty staff’s building. As they paced through the hallways, Mukuro’s heart began to beat faster and fast.

This is going to be bad.

Sakakura-san led her to the underground floor. She wasn’t sure how her legs were moving anymore. She knew exactly who was hidden in this part of the school. And she absolutely did not want to see him again.

A few more doors were opened and closed, until they finally reached that same room where she’d first seen him. And he was sitting there, just like he had been on that day. The room also looked the exact same. The only differences in the setting were Sakakura-san’s and Munakata-san’s presences, as well as a few weapons that seemed scattered around the room.

Did they bring me here so he would kill me? Is that… Is that their way to get rid of me?

Mukuro’s hands were shaking, but none of the three men around her noticed. Well, he probably did, given that he had all the talents in the world, but he didn’t say anything about it. He just blankly stared at the wall behind her and Sakakura-san, very much like he had when she’d first met him with Junko.

She attempted to steady her breathing and calm herself down the way Gekkogahara-san had taught her during one of her therapy sessions. Still, her breathing got heavier and heartbeat faster than it had even been.

What’s happening to me? Am I… Am I scared of him? Is this normal? Why can’t I relax? I’m… I’m safe, right? The headmaster is here, there’s no way he’d let anything bad happen to me. He could have executed me along with Junko, so why would he set this entire thing up now?

“Ikusaba-san,” Munakata-san started. “We are testing Kamukura-kun’s abilities. You and Sakakura-kun are the only members of the academy who know about his existence and have a fighting talent. He’s already beaten….”

Mukuro tried to focus on the headmaster’s voice, but she couldn’t. She was feeling as though her brain and body were shutting down. Her legs felt weak – as if they’d suddenly turned into cotton – and her mouth felt incredibly dry, but this was nothing compared to the weight on her chest that made her feel as if she couldn’t breathe.

She tried to visually scan the room, but her eyes refused to move. They were glued to him; to the crimson red eyes who were staring back at her, as if the rest of the room had ceased to exist – as if they had both travelled back in time to that day where he’d hurt Junko.

As she collapsed onto her knees, the only thing she could hear was his deep, ominous, and monotonous voice:

“She is having a panic attack because she has not processed her trauma related to my existence. How boring.”

[whatadaze]

day 4: favorite ship: noah boom + liv reijners

warning: this will be long and chaotic and 98% of it probably won’t make sense

I thought about not writing this but I started a couple days ago and just couldn’t stop myself. And yes, I made two posts for today but that’s how passionate I am ya know? lol...and if it isn’t obvious by now i literally have no life + post shit no one cares about :-) 

This will be long so viewer discretion is advised.

Noah and Liv are good for each other. 

That isn’t to say they don’t have flaws, but overall they just work. In OG skam, it was emphasized over and over again that William and Noora were very different, but it’s those differences that drew them together and for them, that worked. In the case of Noah + Liv, if they were too different from each other I don’t think their relationship would have the same dynamic as it does now.

I mean, this whole season starts off LITERALLY showing the viewers how similar they are with their morning routines. The clip feels cohesive and whole, nothing seeming out of place and as they flip back and forth from liv to noah, everything transitions very smoothly. So in a literal sense, noah and liv are similar in their ~aesthetic~ (lol), with very vintage-y, hipster styles. 

But it’s so much more than the physical stuff!!! 

Here’s what I mean: 

1) Liv and Noah are both artists and musicians. We haven’t seen Liv draw much in season 2, but it was shown in season 1 that she can draw (look @ her insta for her sketch of imaan <3) + she’s also musically talented. Noah has a guitar so it can be assumed that he can play (unless that really is a tool to get girls lol) + he’s an artist. They both have similar interests and I’m looking forward to seeing how their passions intertwine in the future because i stg if we don’t get SOMETHING where they are using their talents together in a clip, I will riot. Also, an interesting thing to note is that when Liv is stressed or upset, she seems to push music away. It causes more stress for her. But with Noah, he seems to immerse himself in his art even more. We see that when Liv finally sees him in the funeral clip. He hides himself away in his room + sketches while the guests are all downstairs for the viewing. (don’t know how that fits into this but i always thought that was interesting) 

2) They are both lonely. Yes, they both have their own group of friends but we’re all familiar with the phrase “you can be in a crowded room full of people and still feel utterly alone”. We see Liv isolate herself a few times throughout the season. The first, when she steps out for a bit during Jayden’s welcome party. Then again when she leaves Isa with the boys and goes to her room. Another when she calls her dad and gets upset in her room while her friends are out in the living room. We can see her feel alone when she’s with her friends—when she finds out about Noah’s mom, when their getting their nails done, and during the benefit—her mind is not where it should be as it continues to drift off to Noah. She’s alone because in this moment, she has no one to confide in. Noah has his friends, Gijs and Micha, but we rarely see them together. In fact, most of the times we see Noah is when he’s alone (or with Liv :-)). One thing I actually enjoyed about OG skam was the friendship b/w penatrator chris + william. Yes, they were both two fuckboys but you just knew right away that they were best friends. With Gijs and Noah I don’t really get that vibe (but maybe they’ll explore that later??? although i doubt it bc we running out of time :( ) And we see Noah isolate himself even more after his mother’s passing—literally—by closing himself off from Liv and holing himself up in his room.

3) That brings me to the third point: they both avoid seeking help. Liv is the mother of the group. She takes care of them, gives them advice, and is always looking out for them. But rarely do we see her be the one to ask for help. She doesn’t tell her friends what’s really bothering her and when Isa notices that she’s been acting weird lately, Liv tries to brush it off. Liv’s way of coping is to simply hide her true emotions, put on a brave face, and wait until she’s alone to really act on her feelings. She doesn’t express frustration to her dad even though we see her visibly upset. She writes in her journal about having a shitty day and then steps out of her room with a smile on her face. It isn’t until she begins worrying about Noah that she finally asks for help. We can see that it’s hard for her to do so, but she finally does! Noah is the same way. When he finally needs someone to lean on, he isolates himself. When Liv finally goes to him, he pushes her away and tells her he doesn’t need her pity. His first thought is that Liv isn’t there to be with him but because she feels bad for him. This shows that he’s not used to people genuinely being there for him + caring about him. Liv sees through that BS and stays by his side, and the look on Noah’s face when he realizes she’s staying is enough proof that he needed someone by his side all along. 

4) And my final point is the way both communicate. I’d say both are pretty outspoken individuals and they don’t really hold anything back. From the very beginning, it’s very clear that Noah is interested in Liv and he has always been honest + open with her about that (even though she wasn’t too happy). He had never tried to trick her or blackmail her (and no, i don’t consider the date a blackmail). Noah never used Engel (no, i don’t consider that phone call as him using her) and he tells her that he wants to know what would make her believe that he is serious about her. He directly tells Liv that he is tired of the game between them and even GIVES UP. ANDDDDD MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL he IS HONEST ABOUT HIS BROTHER!!!! Liv is also pretty outspoken and from the very beginning, we see that she isn’t afraid to speak her mind. She tells people how it is, makes it clear to Noah when she doesn’t want him pursuing her the way he did (going by her house which BTW HE STOPPED RIGHT AWAY) and went to noah’s house ON HER OWN with the sole purpose of seeing him AND STAYED WHEN HE PUSHED HER AWAY. So we have two characters who are very open about what they want/don’t want, and like to express their opinions (i.e.: conversation during their first date) and what i LOVED is during the clip w/ their first kiss, liv doesn’t list all these things she didn’t like about Noah. She knew that what she was feeling was true, but she didn’t think that what she felt was the right thing (going back to the whole liv being the mom and looking out for everyone else). And what does Noah do? He says he understands. Because he does. And from their first date, I think Liv knew that Noah was able to read her in a way even her close friends couldn’t. 

YOU KNOW WHY!? 

BECAUSE THEY’RE THE SAME.

So what makes them work? 

Liv helps Noah learn that not everyone that cares about him is doing so out of pity. That there are people who care and want to help him. We see that especially during the funeral clip. Before they go to sleep, he asks Liv if she likes him, and he has this faint smile on his lips when he realizes that she really is there because she wants to be. Liv learns to ask for help from others because she wants to help him but doesn’t know what to do. And in the next few episodes, we will see Liv being the one to push Noah away (*cries*)  when she needs him most and she will have to learn to accept help during a time when all she will want to do is be alone. 

Another important theme in their relationship is trust. From the very first date, the topic of trust has been brought up over and over again. Noah tells Liv that he doesn’t know her well enough to trust her, Liv responds with “Maybe” when he asks if he can trust her. And after they get together, he tells Liv that he can’t wait until she can trust him. I don’t think that was his way of saying “i want you to trust me so that you have sex with me” it was a genuine desire on his end for her to fully trust him. And so when that trust breaks, it will cause a huge rift between them (*cries again*).

Anyway, that was me going off topic for a bit. 

IN CONCLUSION, Liv + Noah challenge each other. It’s what draws them to one another, whether they like it or not. Noah’s life seemed pretty mundane before Liv and even as a character I have to admit that he was kinda dull and I was initially indifferent about him when he was introduced. But after Liv went off on him and we begin seeing a different side of him (someone who is playful, makes jokes, and obviously doesn’t know how to flirt), we start to view him as more than some fuck boy who wants what he seemingly can’t have. And it was a good decision on skamnl’s part to slowly develop their relationship because we know that Liv is not the type to quickly fall for someone she was not into just one season ago. This slow development is what makes us as viewers also fall in love with Noah, grow attached to Liv, and witness these two beautiful people open up to each other and fall in love 

(*bawling now*). 

People usually say opposites attract, but I think that what Liv and Noah share in common is what pulls them towards each other. Liv is used to being alone, being the one who takes care of others, and doesn’t like being a burden to others. Noah pushes his way into her life, and when she needs him most, he will be there for her. Noah is also used to being alone, and before Liv, I think he liked it that way. He had an indifferent attitude about everything and when he wanted something, he usually got it. Liv challenges him, and I think he sees a bit of himself in her. When they’re on their date, Liv asks him what he thinks of her. He says that he thinks she’s reserved, likes to be in control, and doesn’t trust people easily—and all of this is true—but as we learn more about Noah, we see that he’s the same way as well. 

When Liv + Noah are together, they express their true feelings + emotions, which is why their interactions seem so raw and genuine. They get mad and frustrated at times, but they’re also genuinely happy. The emotions they’d usually push aside come out whenever they are with one another. Liv doesn’t hide how she’s feeling + Noah doesn’t either. Liv doesn’t feel the need to be in control around him because the moment she tries to be, Noah challenges her back (and vice versa). And although neither of them have verbalized it yet, we as viewers can see how much they trust each other already. They’ve seen each other in their most vulnerable states and that wouldn’t have occurred if there was no trust involved. 

also, side note:

i’m not saying that liv + noah are mirror copies of each other. of course they have some differences (i.e.: see example of their reactions to music/art when stressed) and while liv + noah are both outspoken, I’d say the way they choose to express themselves differ as well. liv is loud—whether it be through her voice or body language—she just has this strong, bold presence about her. noah seems more reserved (vocally and physically) so when he does say something, it’s usually super impactful. there are probably a lot more similarities + differences but honestly i don’t have all day so i’ll end it here lol 

OK WOW. 

So if you actually read all of this, I apologize for anything that didn’t make sense (which was probably all of it tbh) and I owe you a huge thank you and a gold star. I just have a lot of feelings and used this challenge as an excuse to write it all down.

noliv4ever 

[teatimewithtess]

My Experience at a 4 Week Summer School

Arkansas Governor’s School is a 4 week summer program where the 400 most gifted and talented students meet to discuss the future of the worlds’ current mindset while also gaining new insight from experienced college professors and top high school teachers. The daily schedule is divided into three areas: Area I, an assigned class focused on one specific education (i.e. English, math, social science, natural science, instrumental music, etc.), area II, a philosophy based course focused on critical thinking skills, and area III, the class where we used the critical thinking techniques from area II to apply them to the social issues of today, such as racism, school shootings, climate change, etc. In order to become a student of AGS, one must fill out the simple application process which includes the following: an essay regarding the provided prompt, 2 recommendation letters, a list of achievements/accomplishments in high school, a writing assignment about your reasoning for choosing your desired area I subject, and another essay about why you want to attend AGS. After completing all required materials in the admission process, you then wait until you receive an email granting your secured spot in attending AGS. Receiving that specific email was a step towards the road of change, and I was completely unaware.

Now, let me post a slight disclaimer: I might use the same type of wording in order to express how AGS went for me, but I simply cannot help it. I will not over hype nor will I under exaggerate the experience as a whole. I will speak of my time, what I did, who I met, and how I felt. Let us begin.

First, I wrote in a black leather bound journal every day. I titled each day “AGS Day -- July --” in order to keep my days straight because I honestly did not ever have an idea of what day it was, or what time it was. The first two weeks we were not allowed to have our phones and it was one of the most refreshing times, mentally. I was glad I never knew what time it was; I was going through each day with no worry. I never had a thought about who I need to text, what other people were up to, or what was happening in the news. Having met so many new, different people at one time without having my cellphone was an oasis for my mind. I could openly connect with other different ways of thinking, which overall affected me in a positive way because I forced myself to listen purely- not listen to speak. By speaking less and observing more, I was able to do so much more. For me, it was writing. Now, the writing in this journal was not for feelings and “he loves me, he loves me not” ideas, it was simply to physically document everything that happened that day because if I did not, I would forget them. Time shows no mercy for our memories, and I wanted to make sure that they lived forever.

Secondly, I took notes on EVERYTHING. When lectures occurred at 4:00pm and 6:00pm, I would go to as many as I could and gain as much knowledge as I could. With that, I now have many pages filled in my journal and many other notebooks of what experienced professors had to say. The topics ranged from food psychology to life beyond Earth, the ending of a story to the psychology of self talk in sports, and the debate between science and god to the dissection of short films. If you can think it, there was a lecture on it. Of course I did not want to forget any of those talks either, especially when they were delivering valuable information that is not even mentioned in high school, so I documented the ones that were most interesting to me. The memories of knowledge can be refreshed.

Next, one of the most impactful habits I began was writing down questions. Whenever I started to read philosophy about a year ago, I developed a new, open way of thinking. With this new way of thinking, I started to have more and more questions about everything, which eventually led me to discover the psychological side of it in philosophy via research papers. However, I never thought about writing these down because I thought they were ridiculous or other people would quickly dismiss them; but, as soon as I sat through the first day of area II realizing I had already written down a full page of questions, I knew I needed to continue this practice. Luckily, I met a few very impactful people that allowed me to ask these questions and actually nurtured the methodology I had. 

With that, I prepare for the most important part of my AGS experience: the professors.

I met approximately 5 people that influenced me in the greatest of ways. The first one is a satirical, yet highly intelligent English professor that taught my afternoon area I class, English. He was the first person that noticed my reading of philosophy and became ecstatic at the idea of a student my age reading these works this early. I continued to converse with him occasionally after class and during lunch, where he introduced me to the process of acquiring a PhD in English, and English in college as a whole. He gave me many book titles, notes he took in college, and most importantly a confidence in sharing my ideas. Unfortunately, in my English area I class specifically, I encountered many roadblocks regarding peoples’ way of thinking that forced me to refrain from expressing my ideas/logic. This professor however witnessed I was occurring this phenomenon and later wrote to me that my ideas need to be spread. Since we are on the topic of English professors, there was another mentor that encouraged me to do more creative writing. This old fellow was a master of poetry, but somehow adored my work and pursued me to write a novel after reading one of my pieces. He also endorsed my reading of philosophy, and will also stay in touch post AGS. The instrumental music teacher and I became great friends after attending one of his many Jazz classes. He was a quirky professor of jazz that truly represented the epitome of what a musician is. You could see his love for music in his performing, and I respect and praise that from a student perspective, being a musician myself. He noticed how much I supported my fellow musicians and loved the idea of me doing so. He inspired me to keep smiling as much as I do, and that simple gesture stuck with me. No one has ever told me to continue ‘being happy’, they only question why I do smile. Coming from an older, loving musician, it meant a lot to me. I also met with a library technician that informed me on the world of publishing and writing for the public. She gave me tremendous advice that will help me as soon as I begin writing research articles in college, and I am forever grateful for her insight. Finally, there is one professor that influenced me the greatest. He is an optimistic psychologist that taught my area II class of philosophy/critical thinking. After talking to him several times post class, it gradually became a regular thing after lectures and movies, and even during dinner or lunch. After one  specific talk, he helped me gain traction on what my career goals were. He introduced me to psychology, which I had never even thought about before, and unconsciously opened this academic door that will help me as I complete my final year of college and begin my long journey of becoming an academic. Each conversation posed new questions I immediately needed to document or write about later, and it all eventually led to my reading list reach an unfathomable amount. He nurtured my constant need of questions, unlike other teachers that quickly dismiss them to junk since I am still a teenager, which means it is irrational for me to ask such questions even though they themselves cannot likely define what irrationality is. I cannot praise in written word anymore how impactful this professor was. I will forever be in his debt.

The best part of AGS was the professors because they volunteered to work with these 400 kids. They helped shape me into me. They helped guide me into the right area of assessing who I am and what do I know, and who are the others and what do they know. The atmosphere they created was unlike any other; it was comforting, yet challenging, welcoming, but serious. Even in just the small time I had with these mentors, I believed I could trust them with any thought I had. In some ways, it felt as if they were trying to figure me out, which made the camp even more entertaining. They welcomed my thoughts and ideas with open arms which allowed me to grow exponentially. 

Because of this whole experience, I resulted in developing particular habits that might not make much sense to many people but I know it makes sense to these mentors and fellow students of the camp.

1) Every time I have a memory, flashback, dream, nightmare, vision, or daydream, I write it down. I came to the conclusion that if I do not write down these events then I will forget them, and I need them to use as inspiration.

2) When I have a question, I write it down as well. I hope in the future I can answer some of them, but not all of them.

3) I read some type of research paper and/or listen to a podcast related to my future field of study.

4) I take a heavy amount of notes on everything I hear/read. I did not realize until after this camp how much I enjoy taking notes, especially when it is just verbal, so I have to exercise my comprehension skills. I also, depending on the importance of the talk, will record certain lectures given it is relevant information that I need later on.

Alongside these habits I also developed lasting friendships with fellow students all across the state. Our wavelengths are compatible, which presents positive signs for a lasting relationship with one another. I know I will see them in the near future. 

I will never forget this meta strophic event that planted itself in my teenage years, and I hope my search for the same atmosphere I was in for 4 weeks is successful.

[dailyaudiobible]

12/06/2019 DAB Transcript

Hosea 4:1-5:15, 2 John 1:1-13, Psalms 125:1-5, Proverbs 29:9-11

Today is the 6th day of December. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian. It’s great to be here with you today as we move into the weekend and continue the voyage that we are on together through the Scriptures. So, we began the minor prophets and are working our way through Hosea in the Old Testament. We concluded the first letter of John, also known as first John yesterday, which means we get to the New Testament today we’ll be talking about second John. Actually, we’ll read that entire letter today. But first, Hosea chapters 4 and 5 and we’ve been reading from the English Standard version this week.

Introduction to second John:

Alright. So, like we mentioned a couple minutes ago, we’re going to read in its entirety a letter from the apostle John that we know as second John. And this letter was…was probably written just a little while after the first one, the one we just finished yesterday and it was probably written to these same people because the letters are similar, and these similarities are one of the reasons that most biblical scholars accept John as the authentic author. And since it’s believed that John spent the later part of his life in the city of Ephesus, then it's probably from Ephesus where he wrote this letter that we call second John. And the letter’s short, it's 13 verses and the first three of those verses are…are greeting and then the next three verses remind us of the importance of love which is something that we…we got in spades while reading first John specifically involving each other. And then the next three verses speak against the false teaching of Docetism which…which was what…which we talked about in first John. And then the next two verses are giving instruction that’s not in the first letter. And these verses tell the readers and tell us how to behave toward a traveling teacher or preacher who tries to come in and introduce false teaching into the church. And the church is not to encourage or offer hospitality in those situations. And then the last two verses conclude the letter. So, we’re gonns read it and it's gonna go by and it’d be easy to let first and second John kinda blur together because we’re just covering…it's like we’re covering the same territory. But let's just imagine that between the conclusion of first John yesterday and our reading that we’re about to do of second John today that months have gone by and the impact of that first letter has reached its peak and is beginning to fade and diminish because the challenges go on in life and we keep facing them and then this second letter comes along a few months later when the readers needed the encouragement, needed the boost and…and clarity, a reminder of what the first letter had instructed. And then we will see that we are again being reminded to love one another and we should get in the habit of reminding ourselves of that on a continual habitual basis. And, so, with that we read second John.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word and we've already said on a number of occasions just…just the observance of the fact that the year is speeding up and…and that is happening here in the Scriptures as well as we move through shorter letters and shorter writings. And, so, we’re moving at a quicker pace as we move through this final month. And, so, once again, our prayer remains constant, that You would lead us into all truth and that we would stay fixed upon this rhythm that we began all of these days and months ago when we set out on the journey of a lifetime to move through the Scriptures this year. And, so, come Holy Spirit, plant the words that we've learned from first and second John this week into our lives that we must love one another and that this…this isn't something that we just simply say. And really for that matter, it's not just simply some things that we do that are kind or benevolent, it's who we are, it's what we are. You are love, we were told this week and You abide within us, we were told this week, which means that love abides within us and must overflow out of us so that You can love the world through us. And as we move into the weekend this really fundamentally begins with those who are closest to us. So, may Your love pour out of us flooding those that are near us that we love as we move into the weekend. And may we consciously realize that it's not just us trying to be sacrificial or it's not just us loving those that we love, but it's You loving through us. And as we begin to sense You loving through us we realize how loved we are. So, come Holy Spirit help us participate and collaborate in loving the world in the days ahead we pray. In Jesus’ name we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, its the website, where you find out what's going on around here.

And I guess the thing that is most prevalent, prevalently going on around here is what's going on everywhere else, it’s…it’s Christmas time, it's the holiday season. And, so, we have brought out the Daily Audio Bible family Christmas Box for 2019, which is an annual tradition and we have packed it full of mostly things that have never been in a Christmas Box before, brand-new resources, some of the most popular Global Campfire resources, the brand-new written resource the God of Your Story, which is the 365 day, one year devotional that follows the rhythm and the path of the Daily Audio Bible. And the new Journal is in there. Your choice of coffee or tea, fresh roasted coffee being roasted as it's being sent and so that it arrives fresh or our boutique tea, and some of the Daily Audio Bible Christmas cards. And, incidentally, you can get the Christmas cards separate from the Christmas box. Just look in the Christmas section in the Daily Audio Bible Shop. They come in packs of 20 for five bucks and they come with their matching envelopes, they’re beautiful, we make them every year. There wonderful way just to…well…first of all, to share Christmas wishes with your loved ones but a fantastic way to invite those who…who…who may need the Bible and their life every day, to have this resource and take the journey with you. And you can walk the journey with them in the coming year. So, the Christmas cards are in the Christmas Box as well as, like I said, a number of Global Campfire items that we made this year. And the…and the Daily Audio Bible Christmas ornament that is only found in the Christmas Box with Daily Audio Bible 2019 on it and our word for the year, “Maintain.” So, you can find all this in the Christmas section of the Daily Audio Bible Shop. Check that out.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com as well. There's a link on the homepage and I thank you with all of my heart for your partnership as we move through this holiday season. Thank you. So, there's a link on the homepage. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that is it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello this is Lola I’m from East Asia calling in again with a update about Lorraine the teacher who was dying here in China probably. Healthwise she’s…she’s kind of all over the place. She’s…for a while we thought she was going to die in the next couple days, but it doesn’t seem like that anymore so maybe I think prayers are making a difference. So, she is doing better. Praise God her family was able to come to China and get all those visa things and so should now she’s not all alone but right now what the struggle is…is all this legal wrangling, wrangling with the insurance, wrangling the… The nurses last night were just on like the texting app were just yelling, not yelling literally but at some people who…at some people who are trying to help Lorraine saying, “you’re causing her pain, you’re causing her blah blah blah” and the teachers were reacting not very calmly to this and the cultural misunderstandings and anger and I think a lot of people are struggling with this right now when they’re trying…I think everyone, the nurses, the teachers are just trying to help Lorraine. So, pray that this will all be smoothed over and that we can help her, and that Lorraine will come to know Jesus and maybe…maybe that she’ll be able to go home to the states. Okay. Thank you. Bye.

Hi everyone, it’s Karen in St. Louis. It’s December 2nd and I always love when I hear the reading of Psalm 121. It is a blessing to my soul because God gave me that Psalm not only in word but in song when I was going through a very, very dark time of sickness when doctors didn’t know what was going on with me - deep depression and fear because I am my only provider financially. So, He is faithful, He is with us and our help comes from Him. And I love to the commentary that you gave today Brian. Ultimately, Christ in us is the hope of glory. And we have all we need in us. I know it’s hard for us to comprehend that when we’re going through pain and brokenness, seeing that too. I’m going through…I go through daily pain every day. I don’t know what kind of money I’m going to make from week to week. The answer of the prayer that I pray every day for my life of having a husband and family has not happened, but my hope is in Christ and I just lift up all of those. I think of Diane Blake Davis, God be with you, God heal you. I pray for Karen, that his comfort would be upon you and Michaela that you would know that the government is upon His shoulders, that we would all know that, that joy to the world, the Lord has come and that you all would have a blessed, blessed holiday season just filled with the Holy Spirit with Jesus Christ. Amen.

Good morning Daily Audio Bible today is December 1st my name is Bee from College Station Texas. My husband passed away October 1st with CHS. He was only 58. So, I’m kind of behind on the Daily Audio Bible because of taking care of him. We were married for 35 years. So, we had one child, Roxanne. Her name was Roxanne. We had one child together. She was daddy’s little girl and she is hurt, angry. With who, I don’t know. I feel like she’s angry with me. I can’t do or say anything right around her. She seems angry all the time with me. But anyway, we always thought that it was gonna be me first to go but it was my husband unexpectedly. So, I need prayer. I need prayer because I feel so lonely without my husband. We were together for 35 years and it hurts. I’m alone. I had to move. So, I just feel lonely and my daughter, I don’t know what to say about her. She has four kids, four of my grandkids and she seems like she takes them away. I don’t know she…she just takes it out on me I feel. So, I need prayer. I feel so lonely without my husband. I miss him so much.

This is Candace from Oregon. I’m moved all because I just heard a call, I’ve from I believe it’s Karen from Hemet who lost her husband of 36 years just before Thanksgiving. Thank you, dear sister for your call. We love you so much and the Lord loves you much, much more. I thank Him because I know that He’s promised to be near to the brokenhearted. I lost my husband almost 3 years ago now, it was March 11 of 2017. And with the holiday time I…I miss him but I just treasure every detail of just little things about him that were just such a great blessing to me and to our children and to our grandchild. And…oh…yeah it’ just…it’s very intense and very precious when you’ve gotten to have so very many years with your beloved. So, I thank God with you for that and I ask Him to attend to your heart. Lord, be with all the brokenhearted during the season and be…be the husband that’s missing Lord as You have been to me. Thank You so much. Be that grandpa Father that’s so needed Lord be present among us. We look to You in Jesus’ name.

Good evening DABbers, this is Running Desperately to Jesus. Diana, I cannot get you off of my mind. The message that you left asking for prayer and your serious bout with cancer and your autistic sons, God has so much for you until this is gonna be such an awesome testimony to others. This cancer, may it be affecting your brain but it’s definitely not affecting your Spirit and it’s definitely not affected your walk with God. That is so apparent in your…your call. You’re taking the Bible verse of Daniel and putting a rhyme to it, making it so clear. I don’t even know where to begin, I don’t even know where to end. I just wish I could meet you in person to give you a hug and to tell you you are such an awesome woman. God has got you. He’s got you in the palm of His hands. He’s got your sons in the palm of His hands. I love you Diana. Again, I wish I could meet you so that I could just give you a hug and tell you I love you sister. Running Desperately to Jesus.

Good morning this is for Married and Alone. I have been married for almost 28 years and you said you’ve been married for 20. I just want to give you hope that God can work amazing things in your husband’s heart. For probably the first 20 years of my marriage I never heard the official diagnosis before, but I definitely did not have my husband’s heart and in the…in the last few years I’ve seen a turnaround. God has been working in his heart and just doing amazing things and…and it’s overwhelming and…and we have we have a love now that’s deeper than…that I could have even imagined. And what I would say is don’t give up, keep pouring it out to the Lord. What I prayed constantly was that we could be, my husband and I, that we could be one mind in Christ Jesus, and I’ve seen that come to pass. So, I’m praying for you and I’m believing for you and just don’t give up because the Lord will sustain you. And this is what I’m going to be praying for you in Jesus’ name. Amen.