#I am feeling insane today i guess
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AY(OYM) CHAPTER 6!!!!!
Sorry to reuse buddy elf hater Teru I just think he's great. Fits the theme (not really at all LMFAO)
#i do not know how much time i have today but HOPEFULLY i can read the whole thing in one go#i would feel very bad if it took too incredibly long. it usually does anyways skskfjlskskf#ANYWAYS. AYOYM GRAHHHHHH im so nervous#for teru. and mob. and terus mom#thats like everybody LMFAO. they all have me deeply concerned#mob the least but yk. still worried#i am hazarding a guess as to how many times ill cry this chapter: 1#actually it was 2. REALLY REALLY INSANELY GOOD CHAPTER HOLY SHIT
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And when I write about making out with the cute, shy art major while you're drunk at a party that sucks? What then?
#ems i blame you#you put university student hyunjin in my head and now i feel insane#the vodka probably isn't helping lmao#jesus he looks so good#why am i not messily making out with him while in his lap and feeling him get hard underneath me#why is life cruel and unfair#why did he have to do this TODAY#i am just trying to LIVE#LIKE THE HAIR???? THE FUCKING GLASSES????? HIS NAILS?????#guess I'll fucking die#rj talks
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if not gay why GAY CODED WHY GAY CODED
WHY GOING ON DATES MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO PERFORM ???? ??? what is going onnn
why why why the freddie mustache. why do you write him as he has problems actually committing to all the women in his life?? Why did he ask his male best friend to take care of his son if he dieS? ??
WHY NOT GAY IF GAY CODED
#today i am going insane over eddie#sorry guys i stole someones gifs for these i dont have these eps with subs to take screenshots of#eddie diaz#911#cw*#he is driving me insane bc his writing IS SOOOO GAY CODED even more than buck guys way more than buck (ofc he's bi so it's different)#and i just AM HOPING we get to see him understand who he really is ALONE Without shannon without his fam without chris i just want him to#know who eddie is . bc that's a gay man. either he's gay or asexual in my book there is nothing normal in feeling like you have TO PERFORM#that's what i say about dating apps and i'm probably a repressed lesbian or ace at this point i guess#personal#he cant take the next step with any woman in his life and the excuse is shannon but even with shannon he ran away soo many times and then#she died. and he was his first love... his first date etc. was it love ?? was it just the comfort of normalcy ??? was it just performing???
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clancy
#guess who took the longest possible way home today just to listen to this masterpiece of an album#you guys are laughing but it's my only oxygen these days#i don't think i am physically capable of listening to anything else right now#and it's been like what two weeks?#idk time is not a real thing anyway so who's counting#have i mentioned this album has no skips at all#i only didn't really like midwest indigo on my first listen HAHAHA HAHA HA-#you goddamn fool.#this song slaps just like the rest of them#anyway#mutuals do me a favour go listen to clancy#this lore is fantastic#you don't have to listen for the lore you can just vibe if you want#but if you think about the symbolism it's actually insane and i feel like most of us can relate#and i'm not only talking about clancy but like about the entire twenty one pilots discography#or at least last four albums#cause there's not much of it on clancy tbh but like#it's the album of the year i can already tell you#brb gonna sell my kidney (or the eras tour ticket) to see them live next year#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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sometimes being so overly sensitive makes it hard to function like how do people do it. today we drove past three dead pheasants and i'm expected to be fine about the fact that they died alone and in pain and everyone keeps driving as if they never mattered. as if they didn't live and breathe and think. ok
#how is this fine. am i insane. how is it not so devastating that it stifles you#today i learned that the life span of a wild fox is three to four years#does that not make you want to cry every time you see one in the street. knowing they will never be safe#how do you look at your cats and not feel consumed with sadness because they won't be here forever#and no matter what you do you can't ever guarantee that they will always be healthy and safe#and they don't even understand any of this because they're just babies#which should be comforting because it means they aren't aware of their own mortality#but it somehow makes it sadder. like you don't know you are the entire world to me and i will spend my life missing you#i fear i'm genuinely a bit mental#because this shit keeps me up regularly#maybe it's the ocd. or the autism. maybe i'm just weird#it does get worse when an animal dies. i guess rescuing duck + finding out he died is the reason this time#i rescue A Lot of animals so this happens to me all the time#and i don't get any better at dealing with it#i still think of the chicks + lambs + mice + chickens we couldn't save when i was a kid#and the fact that sometimes a litter of animals would be born and the universe just decided that one wasn't going to make it#and it would be lying there dying whilst its siblings got stronger and braver and ate and played#and it wouldn't know or understand that it had drawn the short straw for no reason and would never get to live#WHY is the world like this how do you make peace with that#they think duck was hit by a car. only a man made thing can do that amount of damage right#the fact he was just a little animal he was so small and delicate and then he ended up all mangled like that#it's so unfair. poor angel#ask to tag
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feeling very
right now
#triggered moment . did not realize until like 2 hours ago that htat was why im feeling fucky#i had to be civil towards my ex today so#im going a little insane#she syas the stupidest shit and its like just read the fucking words. on screen.#i shouldnt even be upset its stupid#its just a silly little site but it feels so fucking unfair that i have to completely disconnect from myself to be civil to this bitch.#it feels unfair that she gets access to me like that. i could have chosen to ignore her but its embarrasing i even have to choose#how am i supposed to be normal about this fucking crazy person#none of the people here would understand#thats where the trauma mode. i guess. im so mad that i had to deal with her for a whole semester. i should NOT have to eb the bigger perosn#punkvent#punktalk
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Its weird because i dont actually have much of a desire to move to france or use french reguarly in my life but at this point ive deadicated over a year to learning it so i might as well keep going and finish
#it just makes me frustrated but whatevee#its like a pretty big part of my life but A. i never feel like i can chat about it#b. its generally increadibly difficult with no real way to track progress#c. its both. increadibly alienating and connecting#its so easy to feel lonely as a foreigner#foreigner isnt the right word since its the internet but thats the closest thing ive got#and i want to talk about it and share my music and what ive found but thats also difficult#because then people either expect you to be good at it which im literally not or#one time my friend made a comment at me like 'your french rap because your so cool'#and like NO!!!!! IM NOT COOL IM A LANGUAGE NERD!!!!!!#idk it made me feel bad and like. everytime i try to express my love for learning this i feel like a pretentious ass#when NO. im literally just enjoying a process and developing a skill that im very excited about and it sucks not beinf able to talk about it#it also doesnt help that the majority of instences are very small things#like today i met someone and asked them if they had a portal and they said no#THATS MASSIVE FOR ME. I ASKED A QUESTION AND GOT A RESPONSE. I TRANSCENDED LANGUAGE BARRIERS ARE YOU FUCKING ME#how is that not frankly INSANE#anyway idk. i want to be better but the joy is in the process or whst fucking ever#im also realising a lot of the time i feel like i have to prove myself to french servermates#i have to be useful i have to be generous i have to be a good builder#because if im not then im annoying and slow and everyone gets confused#im starting to want to find characters in shows like me who are stuck between languages and who are trying o reach across to others despite#idk learning a langauge has given me so much perspective on the world. other things seem to fall flat#its nice to feel smarter than i usually do#i often think im just not very smart at these kind of things but i am it just takes a different method for me i guess#idk#fish talks
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I had breakfast at a "vintage cafe" and this is what I was served on
fellas ...... we old
#neri stfu#also just in tags bc i feel like i only rant and amnoy everyone here lately#but i legitimately feel like an alien that got dropped on earth by accident and has to copy everyone else's behaviours to look normaler#i am not feeling it. i guess for a long time I've been in a bubble of my close friends now#who just. get it. and get that sometimes i need to be alone or just idk that im insane and im gonna freak out if they do particular things#and they don't do things that make me uncomfortable or idk. mental illness support circle i guess since we all just Get It#🤡👍#prompted by me being at a very uncomfortable social situation today (AND tomorrow...)
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#well today i found out my adhd medication makes me more talkative#supposedly because i am able to organize my thoughts better and there’s a reduction in anxiety and all the constant stream of thoughts#i feel like i’ve talked A LOT today#i’m very sleepy but i still want to talk#it’s kinda funny i was already talkative but now it’s like i can’t stop#also being sleepy as a side effect#i guess it relaxes you?#but also the longer the day goes the medication wears off and it leaves you tired#yesterday i went to bed at 10 something pm#which is insane because i usually go from going to sleep from 2am to 5am#i’ve always had this anxiety about sleeping because it felt like i was missing real life#hmm something to discuss with my therapist next visit#but yeah i am able to organize my thoughts and my brain feels calmer#also happy to report intrusive thoughts haven’t bothered me!!! my brain is finally shutting the fuck up in regards to that#also i feel like i’m able to absorb information and understand better? before as much as i tried i just couldn’t#i really like that a lot#logan.txt#adventures in adhd
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#this ended up in my drafts all day i guess but i am so serious when i say that i listened to this the first time while walking through the#supermarket today and it was like entirely embarrassing because i could NOT could. not..... keep myself from smiling the entire time like.#this is sooooooo so good like every time he does a cover and he uses a part of his register that ist constantly tries to suppress#(for whatever reason u know idk wtf is wrong with the heads of people over there but whatever) it makes me so fucking happy#and this is just like. entirely in the lower parts of his range and there's no half whispering and it's just very very extremely fucking#melodic and beautiful and serene and exciting and incredible it makes me feel like i am bouncing around the room it makes me feel like#i am a hyperactive squirrel from an animated movie (i guess if u know which one i'm referencing this is funnier) and it makes me feel mildl#insane also because there is nothing that speaks to me like a voice that really fucking digs itself through my skin and through my arteries#and into the very core parts of my soul do u get it?#anyway!#jacob#the boyz#tbz#mp3#*up
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Guess it's just gonna be another day of getting pissed off and upset by things my father has said to me 🙃🙃
#Eli Speaks#i am trying so hard to be civil with him and give him the benefit of the doubt#but today was too much#he did something that really fucking pissed me off#when i made my stance on this issue insanely clear by telling him multiple times#'hey i dont wanna know about x thing so in the worst case scenario that that needs to happen dont tell me'#guess what he did?!#i really dont know what to do with him#all this shit has been so jarring#cause like usually we're pretty on the same page#but for the last month or 2 it feels like he doesnt understand a word i say no matter how clear i make myself#im really hoping things will go back to normal once we move and get settled#cause if not im truly gonna go insane#i want to continue to have a good relationship with my father but he is making it so hard#anyway im just angry and annoyed#i need something to distract myself#i wanna draw but i can't think really#i need something calming to draw
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The drive for chapter 12 has not abated
As soon as I am able I'm gonna be finishing that shit TODAY. So long as nothing truly catastrophic happens, then I should be able to post tonight
#speculation nation#itnl shit#not promising anything bc ive had some shit ass luck today#but. it Should happen. i want it to.#i have like 17 comments to reply to too on the last chapter hfkshfhshxkdbxkdb#which im gonna do Before i post the next chapter#it's honestly Wild how many comments ive been getting. the comment to kudos ratio is INSANE#might not be widely known yet but those that do know it Love it#anyways im pretty damn proud of what ive got going for chapter 12.#it's the first one where i feel like ive really gotten to display my writing skills. aside from chapter 1 I Guess#but even then chapter 1 was mostly experimental. you know what's Actually harder? writing Action.#coming up with action beats that are actually fun and exciting and then following through with prose#and word choice and sentence structure matters Even More than usual. bc those can directly affect the motion of the words themselves#thus affecting the perception of the actions being described#shit like that! it takes some practice and skill to do that & make it interesting#and i cant say im perfect at it. but im still pretty proud of what ive gotten done#and i am VERY excited to show it to u guys heheh
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i keep looking at Guz and thinking WHY YOU. WHY IS IT YOU. WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU THAT HAS ME SO BEWITCHED. WHAT SORT OF SPELL DID YOU CAST UPON ME YOU BASTARD.
#WHY HIM !!!!! i feel insane rn fdsjgjkl#probably partially bc it is 11pm oh god when did that happen#but what is it about him that makes me so head over heels fdhgjkl its so SILLYYYY#grasping the front of his shirt collar and shaking him back and forth WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MEEEEE#anyways. normal. im normal dw today was just weird and i am incredibly anxious today dsfjkl so weird brain thoughts#so i guess not normal but im ... normal. soooo normal. (lie)#sorry about this HFDSGJKL its been ... a day !!!#dandy.cmd
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...
#feelin weird. feelin real weird. in a bad way? no i guess not but more like im a haha wtf is happening here?#like i should maybe track my mood just so i can be like wtf is this? more bc i think its interesting#bc like i mean im spending ~11hrs in the lab and the stress has been real high and ive not been sleeping well#but like currently? i feel like i wanna run a mile. like i wanna run around in circles and scream and laugh until i cry#too much energy. too much energy. but y? where is it coming from? its weird#its like the edge of a headache. the cusp of turning. it doesn't quite feel bad yet but like i woke up at 4#and was insane until 6 when i had to get up and then i was in the lab all day until 6.30#and immediately i went for a run like empty stomach. i need to run now. and i still feel like that. like i need to run and run and run#but like y am i not exhausted? im not even tired? im vibrating#i watched the new successi0n episode twice and im losing my mind abt it#so its weird and i dont understand. but its not bad. it feels out of control like it feels fucked up but im not being like irradic#like if i was standing beside someone i dont think theyd notice. except maybe my sister bc i think if i talked id be noticeable#energetic. idk maybe im just exhausted and brain is pumping me with stress hormones so i csnt stop but i also csnt feel it#but i suspect its something to do with estrogen and progesterone levels changing which isnt great bc ive got a cycle that borders being#concerningly short but like idk rn its fun. im sure itll break and ill split apart but rn everything feels hilarious#its also weird bc im always like: y do i have so much energy after i dont sleep? is not sleeping thr answer. and today i was like hm#maybe i cant sleep bc i have too much energy. hm. idk its not bad. it doesn't feel bad#it just feels interesting and notable so im noting it. weird stuff. hopefully it pulls me thru tomorrow#bc my back fucking hurts lmao and its monday so ppl r back in the lab as i stand around for 11 hours#unrelated
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something that makes me feel guilty is the fact that seeing that persons face rn literally makes me angry. they walked into class and i nearly winced. and in all fairness they were quite kind to me. outside of the several kind of odd red flags. girl whatever. to be quite frank i am a horny bastard and vocal proud etc but few people interest me enough to actually want to hang out with and get to know And i have deep seated intimacy issues so it's like. we really dont have a shot unless the circumstances r exactly right on a full moon perfect thursday of a month etc like. well and tbh i probably would have fucked around with this person but i dont... care... about some big relationship w them.. and i know i could be a relationship girl like eventually i have it in me to have a muse that's what im built for i think idc but not rn... rn i need to hang out with my friends and do my film stuff and have people that maybe wanna make out sometimes is that so much to ask for. for a lesbian at a bar to want to make out perhaps. ** for there to be lesbians at the bars to potentially make out with.
#and i am quite lonely yes thank u for asking. yeah someday id love to get to know someone again in the context of falling in love#what about it. so what now. i dont think im meant for our understanding of romantic love but boy do i crave it#why am i having this moment rn. well ok consider im on my period all i could think about this morning was [redacted] and both parties#of my dyke drama were back in class today. and the one gay person that i think has a crush on me but we dont see each other super often#so im just. guessing based on the way awkward lesbians communicate. idk#and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore#i wasnt like. some villain for realizing we were acting really coupley and being like oh shit because i didnt want to hurt them#. and trying to communicate and put some distance between us when i thought they were probably in too deep. it's unfortch it took me a sec#but jesus christ yk i cant walk around and feel awkward about it forever. and im frustrated by the fact that we're just acting so odd#but again frankly i think it's largely bc they have an unhealthy relationship with dating. THROWING HORIZONTAL PUNCHES HERE.#OK. STONES FROM A GLASS HOUSE. IM AWARE. REAL RECOGNIZES REAL.#and YET. despite my past insanity. ive been kind. i can understand disappointment and a little awkwardness#but jesus would you rather i pretend to be in love with you for months and then really break your heart.#this is where i get mean and make a joke like well hey if we couldve had weird really mediocre sad angry dyke sex abt it#that would have been cool with me. but alas. we're here instead and it's fucking with my friendships too#and like we were kind of ok friends too. what now. its just u me and this brick wall u built between us bitch#now was EYE not answering texts for a minute. we dont need to get into it.#because the thing IS if i dont play things exactly right. and im not good at that without prior planning. i will accidentally say or do#something that i know. again. from being insane myself. would be just enough for them to hold onto hope#and im not trying to do that to them you know. i was trying to help with the detachment. shitty as it may be. i dont fucking know dude#this post is going to make me look kind of. well. whatever u guys have seen me at my worst. mostly. and post#ok one last thing sorry if this makes me sound like i have a giant ego. like wow heres this person who really liked me and im just shitting#all over them. not what im meaning to do but whatever
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the longer i think about it the more rational it seems for me not to let anyone in my life just on the basis of how crazy and unstable i get
#having a partner?? when like last week i was hallucinating that strangers around me had faces of some random celebrities??#when sometimes all food tastes like blood?? when i can smell cigarette smoke alone in my room at 1 am??#i'm not subjecting anyone to my insanity it just doesn't feel right#wish my type of borderline wasn't this one and if i could i wouldn't have bpd at all but that's not how this world works#also today i went to biedronka and it hit me i shouldn't have kids so i was almost breaking down in the instant noodles section#therapy is going great thanks for asking#time for a new vent tag i guess behold#bpd and stuff
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