#I am essentially reading this book three times at once bc I’m also listening to the audiobook

[coralreeferband]

Denny

Fahnstock/MacAfee

[exciting]

As requested, books / series I read in 2020 in the order I read them, with a few brief thoughts. (This took me a hot second because there are a few and also I moved cities) Should I keep a consistent goodreads? Yes I should but I didn’t think of that at the time, so bone apple teeth & sorry if I offend you abt your faves x

P.S. I can’t figure out how to do a read more on mobile so long post ahead!

A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas - This is one of the most vivid published fantasy books I have ever read... I read it twice in rapid succession. The fandom POPS off. I must say I have issues with certain aspects e.g. fae lore completely ignored à la Twilight, all love interests 500+ years old and technically a different species, etc (I’m not going to deconstruct the entire series here but just know that I could... Nesta deserves better)

Cruel Prince by Holly Black - This fucking slaps, HB clearly has done her research, the lore is near immaculate, and it explores the Fae in such a unique way, tying it to the modern world subtly and seamlessly. My only qualm was that the books felt quite short; truly wish there had been more content.

Throne of Glass by Sarah J Maas (6/7) - So basically I read this in one single, hyperfixated fit which meant I literally locked myself in my room for three days straight and read all six books back to back in a row from morning to the wee hours. Which is not to say it was spectacular; although it was a VERY rich world, sometimes it was too much... this felt like 6 stories in one. Ik she was young when she wrote this but it is my humble opinion that SJM needs a better editor & I personally think Rowan is a grade A asshole / straight up abusive (& personally think the ACOTAR Tamlin plot was born from that?). It’s good but not as good as ACOTAR. Skip-read the last book. 

Grishaverse (Shadow and Bone) by Leigh Bardugo (3) - This is essential to read before SOC but was very much simply a YA fantasy book, although the world was cool and the way the love plot played out was, imo, a subtle middle finger to the fantasy trope. Felt very much aimed at younger readers though? Really liked the sandwhich structure of the Proluge and Epilogue, especially in #2

Six of Crows series by Leigh Bardugo (2) - INCREDIBLE continuation of Grishaverse, better than the original series by a mile. It has the range, the diversity, the representation (the male lead is a disabled asexual and still the most cunning of the entire cast of characters), the plot is phenomenal, and it manages such a well rounded plot in only two books which means nothing is stretched out or squeezed in more than need be. Deserves all the praise it gets.

King of Scars series by Leigh Bardugo (0.5/1) - Personally I don’t consider this book canon, and while it’s nice to see the rest of Nina’s journey & the world again & everyone else, I don't like it. I will, however, be reading book 2 when it comes out, so shame on me, I suppose.

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo (1/1) - this was incredibly cool although it went off in a completely different direction than I thought it would based off the first few chapters? One of my favourite YA-author-debuts-New-Adult novels in 2020 though!

Crescent City by Sarah J Maas (1/1) - This was supposed to be SJM/s New Adult debut, although personally I would put her other series in New Adult, and I can’t say a remarkable amount was different with this except they said “fuck” and “ass” a lot. WHY is the romantic interest 500 years old AGAIN. I just... don’t... I just don’t think it was necessary... the world was cool though, and the last half of the book was riveting, but the beginning was quite slow and I thought the sword thing was predictable. I am interested to see where this goes though.

A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab (3) - This world is so fucking cool... four Londons aka parallel universes & the one in ‘our’ world is set in industrial era London. Magic, girls dressing up as boys, thieves, pirates, royalty... it all just slaps. Schwab is an incredible writer & I was completely immersed.

Midnight Sun by SMeyer - I didn’t think anything could possibly detract even further from the Twilight story but I was sorely mistaken... seeing the stalking from Edward’s POV - and it was worse than depicted in Twilight, for the record - completely obliterated any sort of romance the first half of the original book may have portrayed. I still hold the opinion that the entire series would have been better if some kind of vampire lore had been abided by, if only to see all of the villains thwarted by someone dropping a bag of rice on the ground, forcing them to have to count them all.

An ember in the Ash by Sabaa Tahir  (3/4) - This was just a very stereotypical ya fantasy series, emphasis on the YOUNG... it wasn’t anything to write home about but I remember quite enjoying it at the time. 

The Power by Naomi Alderman - This book is FUCKING incredible and EXCEPTIONALLY thought provoking... essentially women alone develop a power of electric shock etc. and then take over the world from men, and it explores feminism and the balance between equality & tipping the scales in the other direction. Written by a friend of M.Atwood in a similar tone to handmaids tale, I would say? Content warning; there are some exceptionally graphic scenes in the latter half of the novel. 

Hamlet by Wllm Shksp - I can’t believe it took me this long to finally read it but Ophelia is my favourite name in the entire world & we love to see a woman go batshit (although she didn’t deserve that). 

Catherine House by Elisabeth Thomas - this was unsettling in the best sense of the word... it was a little slow & honestly more of a concept than a big reveal, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I finished it? A Secret History vibes but make it blurry like the memory of all those dystopian novels you read when you were young?

The Invisible Life of Addie La Rue by V.E. Schwab - This is without a doubt my book of the year, and probably the best book I read in 2020? I stayed up all night on a friend’s couch reading it, got a book hangover and reread the ending, and then thrust it upon my mother who doesn’t usually read but read this, and loved it just as much. HIGHLY recommend and you HAVE to read it, it’s beautiful and endearing and just plain wonderful.

Captive Prince by C.S. Pacat (3/3) - I went into this knowing it was going to be terrible, because I had received a blow by blow telling me as much; although I must say that it did learn a remarkable amount of new words, the books did get better as the series went on, and it did have a rather charming ending? BIG content warning for almost everything.

Sapiens by Yuval Harari - mind-expanding & must recommend for everyone, there is everything in this and I daresay everyone should posses this kind of knowledge? I listened to it as an audiobook (which I recommend because it’s rather hearty) but will be buying this in hardcopy & rereading it with annotations. 

Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - Without a doubt, one of the most beautiful novels I have ever read, and certainly the most beautiful portrayal of the story of Achilles and the battle of Troy I have ever seen. Patroclus deserved the justice that was given to him in this book; indeed, all of the characters were written with justice and grace. Highly recommend.

Trials of Apollo by Rick Riordan (3/5) - Apollo is my favourite Greek God, and the sexiest greek god, and Rick Riordan’s writing slaps, as always. It did pain me to see Apollo, the sexy immortal, have to be forced back into a 16 year old’s body but everything else? Whimsical & wonderful, as expected. 

These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong - a retelling of Romeo and Juliette, except it’s set in Shanghai in the 1920′s, and the protagonists already have a history. Very well done, characters are incredibly diverse in race, sexual orientation, gender, and ability / disability (and honestly, representation has never appeared so effortless and elegant). Also it includes a monster and possible magic. Incredibly underrated and highly recommend.

The Once and Future Witches by Alix. E Harrow - this was such a unique concept, and truly captivating, the story was charming, and felt like the kind of beautiful fairytale you would read as children but with more grit? ABSOLUTELY recommend this one

The Pisces by Melissa Broder - I hated this so much, not my vibe at all. Mermaid smut x therapy but make it cynical and judgemental (I know there was a moral in there but that’s not my point) also the dog dies.

Library of the Unwritten by A.J. Hackwith (1/2) - really interesting & unique concept (all unwritten novels / ideas reside in a special library that is part of Hell and then sometimes the books can come to life) however, my first thought upon reading this was “this reads as if it’s stemmed from one of those writing prompt tumblr posts” bc of the tone and whatever and as it turns out I was somewhat correct, it did stem from a short story (not bad just obvious). It did kind of settle down as it went on but I found reading it kind of a drag, and I don’t think I will read the second one.

Abandon by Meg Cabot - 1. Meg Cabot’s writing always fucking slaps 2. Hades and Persephone but make it modern & very 2000′s & somehow kind of unique 3. I literally loved this, sue me

Medusa Girls (Sweet Venom) by Tera Childs - Like Percy Jackson except they are descendants of Medusa so they are Gorgons and have fangs & venom (hence the title). Gave me very 2000′s vibes? Quite cool but tbh I found the books quite short (like two hours each, if that)? Do NOT read the GoodReads description of the book before you read it, you will spoil it for yourself.

Bring me their Hearts by Sara Wolf - In my opinion, this is one of the most underrated YA series I read in 2020. The heroine is endearing, self aware, witty, and loves to look pretty even while kicking ass which in my opinion is an incredibly underrated trait. Also, immortality without being hundreds of years old? VERY sexy. HIGHLY recommend. 

A Deal with the Elf King by Elise Kova - High commendation to be given for the fact that it is a standalone and yet manages to fit in the plot of what would usually be a full fantasy trilogy without cutting corners or being a million miles long? Also sweet storyline & beautiful ending? If you liked ACOTAR you should read this as a “what would have / could have been had SJM had a different editor” (No shade I promise).

The Iron Fae by Julie Kagawa (4/4 + novellas) - Incredibly detailed faerie set around the modern world & our current use of technology & iron in it. Very neat adventure-style series, by the time I read the last novella I was well and truly done with the world (aka provided enough content to be fulfilling). Was definitely aimed at a younger audience though, NO smut / smut was brushed over.

The Modern Faerie Tales by Holly Black (3/3 SS) - This is technically the prequel to Cruel prince, set in the modern world, but with the fae world inside it as it traditional? All I have to say is that it is excellent & I highly recommend it.

Bridgerton series (The Duke and I) by Julia Quinn (9/9) - I read this after watching the Netflix show twice through and I am obsessed, although the books were not quite as elegant as the show, and some parts that made me cringe either by their portrayal (it is very firmly set in the 19th century and thus some things are not handled with tact or grace), the characters were exceptionally loveable and I am so excited to see where the show takes them! Lovely language & an abundance of words I had never seen before (always a plus). 

[glittercracker]

Kingkiller Crap

So, I’ve never really posted much here that involves my own thoughts. There are a number of reasons why, but whatever. I feel the need NOW to post some thoughts, and having no working independent blog (yet!) I suppose this is the place to dump them. PSA: none of this is about anime. None of this is frivolous or fun. TW for sexual abuse. You have been warned! So. I’ve been rereading the Kingkiller Chronicles. aka “Name of the Wind” and “The Wise Man’s Fear” and “That Other One That Shall Not Be Named.” This reread was, at the beginning, almost an afterthought. A way to keep my 13 yo happy on a 7 hour car ride. Except, he could not have cared less, and I got sucked back into the story (and okay, if that is how all our audiobook car rides go, meh? At least it keeps me sharp!) I raced through book one, and bought book 2 on audible with an eye to my upcoming surgery and recooperation. Book one was problematic in the places I remembered, but also as generally engaging as I remembered. And then book 2 happened, and surgery happened, and I have had weeks to lie in bed listening to this bloody interminable sequel, and I find myself lost in a morass of, “WTF was I ever THINKING?” Namely, how did I ever love this book enough to pine for the next? It’s been hard to put a finger on exactly what is making this time through book 2 both a slog and also vaguely, creepily uncomfortable, but if you’re interested, my rather stream-of-consciousness ramble of thoughts ensues. First, the male gaze that rears its head at times in book 1 predominates here. But while I don’t love the way Kvothe describes women, I also have 2 degrees in literature, and I’m beyond that being a reason not to read an otherwise engaging book. Second, Kvothe is a Gary Stu, for all of Rothfuss’s protestations to the contrary. Again, so far, so much traditional high fantasy. But while, say, Aragorn is content to just quietly be Awesome At Everything, Kvothe is a braggy little shit of a Gary Stu: the person you hated for announcing their perfect scores in that hs class you could never quite master. I could fill several pages with examples, but for some reason what really made me want to kick him in the head was not Felurian’s disbelief of his virginity (though really, jfc, REALLY?) Nope, it was the end of his time w the Ademrae (sp may be off, remember, I’m listening not reading!) when he crows about having learned the history of his sword 2 days earlier than expected. Why does this stick out? Oh, idk. Maybe bc he sucks so hard he can’t even get past the first obstacle in his practical final exam? Yet he still has to tell us how fucking awesome he is for remembering 6000 names of previous owners.

I know, I’m supposed to forgive his teenage idiocy. The internet sympathists (no pun intended!) keep telling me this. And I suppose that I would, IF this were a simple first-person narrative - but it isn’t. Let’s repeat that, and really think about it. This story is being narrated by an older and presumably wiser Kvothe who has lost everything - whose abilities have been expunged to the extent that he can’t open his own chest of Cool Stuff. He shows humility in his actions, mostly. And yet when discussing his 16 yo self, the humility evaporates, and he speaks with no kind of perspective or lens of accrued wisdom. He still compares women to instruments waiting for the “right” player (i.e. him) and defends this choice of words by saying, essentially, “You aren’t a musician, you don’t know!”

Interesting assumption for an innkeeper in a medieval-esque world. Interesting assumption if this is in fact authorial interjection, too, because I suspect the majority of this book’s audience *are* musicians to at least an extent, and I also suspect that the majority of us (yes, us - I own several beloved instruments, including a harp custom made for me as a wedding present from my husband) would not equate a human lover to even the most beloved of instruments.

But all of this is well-trodden critical ground. As far as I can tell, though, my third issue isn’t: although it’s perhaps the most glaringly tone-deaf example of all of Rothfuss’s excruciatingly tone-deaf portrayal of his world’s women. Namely, the two girls kidnapped and gang-raped by the fake Ruh.

Almost all of the criticism I’ve read on this section of TWMF concentrates on Kvothe’s treatment of the girls’ abusers. What’s interesting is that no one ever seems to write about Kvothe’s treatment of the girls themselves. Yes, he treats them kindly. He tends their wounds, he feeds them, he tries (and succeeds, of course) to draw Ellie out of her shocked stupor. 

Yet what he never once does, from the moment he takes control of the situation, is ask their opinions on any of this, including what their next step should be. He just decides to bring them back to their families - families who, in this type of society, might well disown them for being “ruined”. And the girls themselves, namely the intelligent and savvy Krin, seem to go blindly along with what he says. Why? Would Krin at least not question this, or object to his making decisions for her, when a group of men had so recently and brutally taken away all of her agency? Would she not question whether being brought back to her family is the best thing for the catatonic Ellie?

Okay, apparently not. So they return to their apparently very forgiving town. Kvothe stands up for the girls against the village shithead: thank you, Kvothe, bc I’m sure Krin could not have said those words herself. He assures the reader that they are with people who will love and care for them despite what has happened to them: thank you, Kvothe, though it’s stretching my credulity a bit that you would assume that no one will take issue with their deflowering. But then he “gifts” the girls the spoils of his slaughter: the horses, the valuables, the wagons. And I was about to give him a (grudging) pass for being decent about this, EXCEPT: he goes on to say that these goods are meant for the girls’ dowries. Specifically, to make them worth enough financially for potential husbands to overlook their loss of virginity. He even tells Krin not to settle for a less-than-lucrative marriage.

And suddenly, I was outraged. Why? Because a man who had witnessed the full extend of these women’s abuse brought them back to a backwater town believing that he was being magnanimous both in doing so, and in giving up whatever share he might have taken of the spoils of the debacle to make them financially lucrative marriage prospects. Because he never asked these traumatized girls if they might rather cut and run with the money than use it to make some man overlook their abuse in order to make them his property. He never even questions the idea that they will be grateful to submit to marriage contracts that will no doubt require them to have sex with their husbands, even though these women have been abused to the extent that they cannot sit a horse for *two days* after being rescued. And the worst part is that 20-something frame-story Kvothe doesn’t question this either; he just goes on to gloat about people singing songs about his daring rescue. Maybe I was just ready for a straw to break my benefit of the doubt. Or maybe this really is as outrageous as it feels. Either way, I can’t help being angry at Rothfuss. As a writer, I am very well aware that character and author are not the same thing; that authorial intent is not the same as authorial beliefs. But there are moments in some books when I have to wonder if that line is blurring, and this is one of them. Kvothe has literally JUST left a female-dominated country full of independent women happily doing their own thing. He has given these girls the means to find themselves a situation that will never require them to be beholden to a man again - even houses ffs, in the shape of those 2 wagons, should they want them. There are so many options beyond marriage: I can’t, for instance, think of a medieval society that didn’t have its version of a convent. Or, for Krin at least, why not the University? For that matter, why not marry her himself, and then set her free to do as she likes under the awning of a respectable marriage? 

Instead he returns them to their fathers, and likewise gives their fathers the means to marry them off with no argument. Who, after all, holds the reins of the horses at the end? Why does Kvothe assume that these families will actually use the wealth even in the dubious way that he recommends?

And in this, I think, I am justified in giving Rothfuss the stink-eye. This is one more instance for Kvothe to play the hero with no real attention given to the consequences. Kvothe himself, I think, would be appalled. He has suffered so much deprivation in his life, so often been marginalized, scapegoated, powerless, how on earth could he so easily consign others to that fate? How could he think, loving Denna as he does, having heard her words to the beaten girl in Severin, that buying these girls husbands who will “overlook” their abuse for the sake of wealth is anything but a wretched life sentence for them?

Sigh. There was a time when I desperate awaited book three. Now, given the other women’s lives at stake in this series, I’m not so sure I want to know.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #310

“i get pretty just to fuck my face up.”

Do you have a clock in your room? No. What book, movie, TV show, or video game have you been wanting to start up? I *want* to read The Testaments by Margaret Atwood, but I care more about reading Wings of Fire, so I probably realistically won't for a long time. I don't read enough for that; Sutherland will surely keep pumping out books in the series so I'll never catch up, haha. As for a movie, I've been interested in seeing Jacob's Ladder for a very long time; it served as a very large influence on the Silent Hill series, and boy, anyone who brings up video games in front of me knows SH is my SHIT. I also just know I'm bound to like it with how essentially legendary it is in the psychological horror genre, which is my favorite. Onto TV show, I'm not certain. Shows don't really interest me. I would like to keep watching A:TLA w/ Sara, but "start up" implies beginning something new, so. Lastly, video games. There are a LOT of games I want to play, but yeah, I have no operational gaming console above a PS2. I'm dyinnnngggggg to play a ton of PS4 remasters (namely the original Spyro the Dragon trilogy and SoTC), but as for a fresh game I've never experienced, Ico, which is from the same producers of Shadow of the Colossus. It's an old game, and Mom's bought it off of Ebay for me twice, but neither disc worked - they froze only minutes into the game. It's hella expensive in new condition though because of its age... so who knows when I'll actually get to play it. Do you put anything else on your grilled cheese sandwiches? Just butter. Have you ever read a book in a different language? I've read some simple fairy tales as well as the play Faust in German courses. Do you want to go to the Harry Potter theme park at Universal? I have no connection with the franchise, but I mean, I'd go if you're paying, haha. If you had a secret room in your house, how would you decorate it? I'm trying to think what kind of room I'd keep a secret... Ha, actually, IF my love of tarantulas expands so largely to having dozens (which I doubt, but I acknowledge the possibility once I get my own place), a room kept on the down low to others just for them would be pretty cool. Imagine someone not knowing they're sharing a house with like, a hundred Ts, haha. As for actual decor, I'm unsure. I'd definitely keep it generally dark for them as nocturnal creatures, maybe with some Halloween decorations, like lots of fake webbing and neon green or orange lights. Man... that sounds dope. What did you get your dad for his last birthday? I couldn't buy him anything, nor did I actually make anything since I didn't know what to create. I just told him happy birthday, of course. Do any of your relatives live in another country? No. Are you claustrophobic? In some spaces, yes. Ever seen Blair Witch? Without spoilers, you know "that part" near the end? Yeah, if you've seen it, you know. That would be a fucking NIGHTMARE for me. Even watching it made me squirm. When grocery shopping, do you usually buy brand names or store brand? With most items anyway, we just get the store brand bc we cheap. Around what time do you usually eat dinner? Generally between 5:30-6:30 nowadays. Do you have any clothing that you get dry cleaned? No. Do you like foods with coconut in it? Eugh, not a coconut fan. I don't hate it as much as I used to, but I still don't like it. Have you ever researched your family history? No, but some past relative researched our family tree. Have you ever had surgery that kept you in the hospital for over a day? No. Do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked? I hate carrots. Did you play with Legos as a kid? Nah, I was more into Lincoln Logs. Which bothers you more… spelling mistakes or bad grammar? It really depends on the severity and simplicity of the spelling or grammar rule. Grammatical misuse of "there/their/they're" stand out very strongly to me, though. Have you ever bought anything off of eBay? Yeah, a good number of things. Is anybody in your family schizophrenic? If so, what is their life like? I have a scizophrenic half-sister that I've never met, so I couldn't tell you. How organized is your mind? How do you know it's organized/disorganized? My mind is running Windows '98 with multiple windows and even more tabs open, all of them not responding. :^) Why do you follow the religion that you do? I don't follow one. My personal religious journey was a train wreck liberating to jump off of. Do you feel superior to others because you're that religion? I don't care if you're atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Islamic, whatever - you are by no means superior to another person in any way just because you believe different things happen once you die. If you do, it's time for some introspection. Are you a blind believer, or do you frequently challenge your own beliefs? Seeing as I went from Catholic to Christian to briefly Neo-Pagan-ish to what I am now, just believing there's some higher power/knowledge and some form of sentience after death, I obviously challenge them. What's the greatest thing about science? Life itself. This universe, this planet, your state of just knowing is a product of science, and that's pretty damn beautiful. Are you emotional or very stolid? I know I'm too emotional. I'm trying to get better about it. Do your siblings look like you? To a degree, but not NEARLY as much as they look like each other. Ashley and Nicole have been mistaken multiple times in their lives and even asked if they're twins. How many states have you lived in? Just this shitty one. How many states have you traveled through/vacationed in? Traveled through, a whole lot. Up and down the east coast. I've stayed in New York, Florida, Ohio, Illinois, South Carolina briefly, and I think possibly Michigan as a baby. Which state was/is your favorite? I don't know. Not NC, haha. You have two weeks alone in any place in the world; where would you go? Alone? Um... I dunno. I'd get lonely through two weeks in absolute isolation. How old were you when you first moved out of your parents' home? I want to say I was 18 when I briefly "moved in" with Jason and our roommates. Did you ever have to move back in? Yeah; the apartment didn't last very long. None of us were ready. How old were you when you thought you were "in love" for the first time? I was in love at 16. I'd fight God literally for eternity to prove that fact. How many exterior doors are in your home? Two, or maybe three, depending on your outlook. We have like this deck in the back with a roof and mesh separating you from the outside, and then you properly go into the yard from the door beyond that. How many cars have you owned? I myself, none. How many email accounts do you have? Ummmm my very first one I misspelled, so I didn't use it long before making a new one with the correct spelling, then later I had no choice but to make a Gmail to use YouTube, and I know I've had at least one email specifically for school. I'm probably forgetting some other oldies I used for small things. What was the last movie you watched alone? The Shining. What (if any) one television program do you watch religiously every day/week? None. What (if any) is your favorite sport? Dance. Scoff at that shit and then try one dance session and tell me it's not one. What is your favorite musical? None. Have you ever seen a live opera production? No. Dressing up for an evening out: Pants or skirt? Pants. I don't show my legs. What do you currently hear right now? I'm listening to Dance With the Dead's "The Man Who Made a Monster." I LOVE the aesthetic of synthwave and rock mixed together, but the only problem I have with this song is that it's very repetitive. Still stuck in my head though, haha. What type of survey do you refuse to take? I'm not into bolding surveys, specifically. Do you like to run? bitch fuck no Do you think you could run the mile in 10 minutes? Zero chance. What was the longest movie you watched? Hm, I don't remember... It's faintly there in my head, I just can't identify it... Have you ever been to a job interview? Well yeah. Who was the last person to call you? My psychiatrist. Now that I'm doing the partial hospitalization program again, he calls once a week. When was the last time you talked to your last ex boyfriend? Uhhh I think around the start of this month? Missed him and felt like chatting for a bit. Is your dog mixed or full? I don't have a dog, buuuut... we're getting one soon! I'm quite sure she's a mutt. What was the last thing you and your mother did together? Rode to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Do you take good pictures? I like to think so. What is your display picture on myspace/facebook right now? The most recent selfie I took and liked. I'm finally comfortable using makeupless photos as a display picture. :') Not that I like my body by any means, I just don't care enough to feel like I HAVE to wear makeup to be even remotely pretty in the face. As for everywhere else... ahahaha. What is going on outside right now? It's raining. Like it has been for what feels like literally weeks - and it might actually have been. There's been one or two sunny days in a huge streak of just nothing but rain. It's so gross outside by now; we've been under a flood warning for days on end. Who was the last person you kissed? My best friend, but we were dating then. What color looks the best on you? Black. Have you ever bought the wrong size because you were too lazy to check it? Oh, absolutely. I LOATHE trying on clothes. You have to essentially drag me to go do it. I don't have a good reason other than I don't want to, lol. What was the last thing you bought over 5 dollars? I put down the deposit on my tattoo. c: Do you have any mag subscriptions? No. What is something you're not scared of but a lot of people are? Snakes are probably the highest on the list. I adore snakes, all snakes. Would you ever have a threesome? No; I'm strictly monogamous and to me would be cheating even if your partner was in on it. Are you an U.S. citizen? Yep. Do you have any step siblings? I have a stepbrother, yeah, but I don't see him as my brother, honestly. He's a very quiet and reclusive guy I've had almost no conversations with, and they've only ever been short. Do they annoy you? Nah, he's fine. How many times a day do you talk to your mom on the phone? Well, we live together... What did you wear yesterday? The same pjs I'm in now. I'm changing when I take a shower later. The tank top is a Day of the Dead-esque skull pattern, while the pants are mostly navy with skulls and candy can crossbones that say "nice until proven naughty" arching over and beneath them. They were a Christmas gift from my sis and are really soft and comfortable. Really don't care that it's now out of season, I wear them anyway. I do not match colors AT ALL, but again, I don't care. What color straightener do you have? We don't have one; neither Mom or I use one. Do you listen to music really loud or really low? Turn that shit up LOUD. I'll be nearly deaf one day, but... worth it? lol Do you live with anybody other than your siblings and your parents? No. Both my sisters have moved out. I'm still here because I'm just not emotionally or financially equipped to live on my own yet. Who was your last crush? I still like my best friend, but agree with her that right now isn't the time for anything. How many tattoos do you have? Currently only six. :( What is your favorite thing to do? Car rides with Mom while I ride passenger, controlling the music nice and loud with my iPod. It's odd, considering I'm very afraid of being on the road, but it's just such a freeing, wild feeling to blare music and just go, letting your mind wander. How many pets do you own? I only have a cat and a snake right now, but we're getting a dog hopefully very soon, preferably today actually when Mom has to go to the appropriate city for her normal check-up to keep her cancer at bay. Her name is Vanna and sounds so perfect for us. Mom can barely wait. Are you close with your parents? Yes, very, Mom especially. Where do you shop the most for your clothes? Hot Topic or Wal-Mart. I'd really like more stuff from Rebel's Market; they have such a wide range of stuff that just scream my aesthetic. I got my purse from there, and it's fantastic quality and so cool-looking. Have you ever read a whole series of books? Well, one trilogy that I remember: Shiloh. I adored those books and the movies. I got very, very deep into Warriors by Erin Hunter, but then my interest in reading waned, and I'm immensely behind. I don't think I'll pick it up again, but I've thought briefly about it. When you tell someone you love them do you mean it? Yes. Are you going to walk at your graduation or just pick your diploma up? I walked. Do you ever eat anything everybody else thinks is gross? Hm, perhaps. I'd have to think for a while. What did you do for your last birthday? I just ate pizza at home with my one sister that was free that day, Mom, and a family friend, as well as opened presents. What do you plan on doing for your 18th birthday? I don't recall, but I think that may have been when I was in the psych hospital. Or was that my 21st? I don't remember. Do you have to type with good grammer? Yes. I type pretty much exactly how I talk. What is your favorite quote? It's hard to pick one singular favorite. Are you allowed to cuss in front of your parents? Dad could care less, but I try to limit myself with Mom, especially with "fuck." She's not a fan, nor does she like if I just swear too much in front of her. Like she won't yell at me or anything, she just makes it clear she wants me to stop. How long was your last phone conversation? Just a couple minutes. I didn't get the Zoom link to group therapy one day and let the place know. Turns out their email was fucking up. Which one of your friends annoy you? The family friend I mentioned a few questions above has the ability to be incredibly aggravating. I love her, but she has zero issue with inserting herself into everything (and sometimes we just don't want to see her), and she voices incredibly rude opinions literally no one asks for a whoooole lot. She's got a strong tendency to try to take control over every situation. Her being our landlord now makes it harder to speak up, and besides, no one wants to hurt her feelings. Don't be mistaken though, she truly is an incredible person with a heart more caring than probably any person I know. Have you ever lost a close friend to death? No, thank fuck. I mean, I think. I do believe one of my childhood online friends committed suicide because of sexual abuse from her own fucking brother, but I guess I'll never know. She was talking to me one night horribly depressed and scared and then just vanished. Bless her, I loved her. Do you know someone who suffers from addiction? Yes. Do you have a lot of pictures in your room? Tons of posters and artwork, anyway. I currently don't have any photographs, but I got this shadowbox thing for my bday to decorate with pictures of Teddy so I can use it in my "tribute shrine" or whatever for him, and I'd also like to frame the picture of Sara's and my first hug and maybe put it on my bedside table. Do you have Facebook? Yeah, I do. Have you ever found a dog/cat on the side of the road? I myself, no, but a friend's mom did find two poor kittens thrown aside in a fucking plastic bag... Some people are abominable. Knowing how much my family loved cats, she reached out to us, and we took them in and named them Aphrodite and... I can't remember the other's name. She disappeared kinda early. Aphrodite wound up being one of my most beloved cats and was even the mother of a kitten that same family adopted. Delilah is still alive, doing wonderfully, and incredibly loved. <3 Aphrodite, meanwhile, as well as all our other cats at the time, were taken by animal control because our neighbors were tired of them wandering, even though they were too fucking cowardly to confront us first. I've said in many surveys that I am very much against outdoor cats, but I wasn't then because I was uninformed and really didn't understand. I wailed and sobbed and just pure shrieked like a banshee outside when we came home to learn they were taken. I have no clue how any are now, and that's the worst part. Do you go bowling in your town? We are in the middle of a pandemic, lol. Even beforehand though, I rarely went. Last time I did was on a date with Girt. We had fun. Do you have a drive-in theater? No sir. What brand is your favorite shoe? Converse. Is your best friend's mom like your own? They're quite similar, yes. Both are very sweet and caring for others. Do you have anxiety or depression? Try both. What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic. Do you own a pair of brass knuckles? Nah. Have you and your friends ever made up a word? Likely as kids. Do you have any embarrassing baby pictures of yourself? Not that I know of. What is the worst smell in the world? Anyone remember that survey I took mentioning my dog's old tumor? Yeah, that after he spent overnight in a diaper and inevitably peed himself in his old age. And he had a UTI. You probably can't even imagine how fucking vomit-inducing that smell was. Do you dye your hair a lot? No. :/ I really wish. I have so many colors I wanna try. Do you have anybody in your family who rides dirtbikes/fourwheelers? Not really? No one in my family owns one. My younger sister would totally go if you asked her and had one for her to use, though. She's done it plenty before. Have you ever rode a dirtbike/fourwheeler? Yeah, a fourwheeler, and it's really fun! Tell me how you got one of your scars? Hmmm, let's think of a unique one. Ah, my shins, left one especially. When I shave my legs, they get unbelievably itchy, even if I use lotion, and I would scratch my skin absolutely raw so often that I have permanent scars. It's partially why I barely shave my legs anymore. Have you ever had a friend who cut themselves? I know many, sadly. I don't know of any that still do, thankfully. I promise, it never helps. If you ever have the urge, I can't suggest enough running where you want to self-harm under cold water or slap the location (like your wrist) with a rubber band. The latter is especially helpful. It's a similar burning sensation and doesn't leave marks. It would help me refrain sometimes. What is your favorite thing to do in the summer? Swim in a nice, warm pool. Otherwise, become a hermit and wait for the outdoors to not be prepared to melt the flesh off my bones. x_x Do you go tanning or do you lay out? Neither, ugh. As you can guess from above, I hate the sensation of heat on me. What is your favorite skin lotion? I just really like cocoa butter. Smells really good and is perfectly moisturizing. Do you use a lot of hair products? The only hair product I use is shampoo, haha. Do you have a cousin you dislike? No. Well, one is incredibly brainwashed and misled by her psychopath of a father, but I love her nonetheless. We talk now and again because family is important to her. Have you ever heard Theory of a Deadman? Yeah, they're good. What is your comfort food? Absolutely ice cream. Who is your celebrity crush? Mark Fischbach/Markiplier is a perfect human being with the looks of a god and heart of a saint and you cannot convince me otherwise. What’s the song you most wish you had written? "Imagine" by John Lennon is a high contendant, for sure. Definitely something I'd write. Have you ever been stuck by someone very annoying on a plane/bus/etc? I think so at one point or another. Did you get lost at all on your first day of high school? Ha, for sure. Have you ever been interrupted during sex? A bitch knows how to act asleep if she hears a door so much as barely squeak, I'll tell you that much lmaooo. Have you ever been recorded doing stupid things while drunk? No. Has a significant other ever called you by the wrong name? No. Have you ever cooked anything and it turned out horrible? I've barely actually cooked anything in order TO fuck up. Have you ever made a bad first impression on someone’s parents? I can't say with certainty, but I think Jason's mom had her doubts about me at first because she commented on the ripped jeans I wore when I went to his house for the first time. She came to love me like her own though, and I love(d) her. I was actually just thinking about her and how she's doing the other day. What is a food that you always are in the mood to eat? Always? Perhaps sour candy, like Sour Punch Straws in specific. Ever held a newborn animal? Many kittens, yes. Do you make a wish when you blow out your birthday candles? I do, but just for the annual appeal of it. I don't actually believe it will have any effect on what I wished, it's just... normal, ig. What is the last thing you searched for online? Medical coding classes. Having trouble finding any free ones that are actually legit... Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when it's hot in your room? It's borderline impossible. Do you dunk your cookies in milk? Sometimes, and almost always with Oreos. Do medical terms make you uncomfortable? Ha, speaking of medical coding... No, not really. It's unnerving to hear "you have _____," but I understand it can be something so, so minor. Of course, it could be the exact opposite, but. I also actually find it quite interesting to learn the Latin roots of the terms. Are you afraid of failure? Beyond measure. Have you been called a bad influence? Yes, to my former friend's son. Not that that witch of a woman was a great person. I'd love to know how an infant can be negatively affected by receiving nothing but love from his "aunt," also having no concept of understanding about me being unemployed and not very "adult-ish" in general, which I'm sure is what she meant. Normally judgment hits me deep, but that shit I just rolled my eyes at.

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Realm of the Quarantine Reread End-of-Book Questionnaire: Assassin’s Apprentice

Any differences between your first/previous reading experience and this one?

Uhhhhh yep!! I can’t even believe how different it was. Every scene has taken on an entirely different colour and flavour in my memory. I skimmed far too much the first time, yes, but also I just went into it with the wrong framework. I think I’ve mentioned this before but my mum recommended me these books on the basis of my love of A Song of Ice and Fire. She directly compared them and said how similar they were. Because of RotE’s length I had been putting it off for years, and only finally picked up Assassin’s Apprentice because I was itching to do an ASOIAF reread but was (and am) trying to wait until Winds of Winter to do it. 

So you can imagine the difficulty settling into a book like Assassin’s Apprentice when you’re expecting Game of Thrones. I remember my overall impression on my first read being that it was a pretty standard fantasy novel with the only really exceptional thing about it being the characters and their relationships. Characters are always my top priority so it was enough to keep me invested and progressing onto the next book and the rest of the series, but I did so not having absorbed nearly as much as I should have from the first book in the series.

Now, just from revisiting that first book, my understanding of Fitz and the world he operates in has exponentially increased and I know that will transform my experience of every book going forward. I really made sure to make myself slow down and read every word; absorb descriptions and just be in each moment without racing to the next one. Overall this book (and all the Fitz books) are much more concerned with the human condition and the effects of abuse and trauma and deep loneliness than being an epic fantasy. In fact it barely reads like fantasy at all; it’s incredibly grounded and focused. Of course the elements are there, but while Assassin’s Apprentice may not be as subversive as the rest of the series, it is certainly not generic fantasy. This book just feels alive to me now in a way it didn’t before against the rest of the series. I can regard it as a beautiful piece of the puzzle in its own right instead of just the setup. I wanna reiterate I always really liked Assassin’s Apprentice but it just paled in comparison to my unholy obsession with the rest of it. Idk this reread just really shifted a lot of things into perspective for me and I’m excited!!

Something you can’t believe you forgot

So so much but most ridiculous GALEN IS QUEEN DESIRE’S BASTARD am I dumb??? I didn’t even remember until it was explicitly stated lol

Favourite character introduction moments/scenes

It’s gotta be a tie between the Fool, Kettricken and Patience (realising there is a common theme here of Fitz making an idiot of himself). I genuinely was laughing so hard when Fitz is like, actively making himself smaller and so pleased with himself trying to help the Fool, and of course the Fool’s iconic “listen you idiot” ugh it’s just chef’s kiss baby, that’s what we in the biz call a meet-cute! (I know they have seen each other before, but this is the first time the Fool talks to Fitz). Then of course we have Kettricken who poisons Fitz at their first meeting, and Patience who Fitz continuously embarrasses himself in front of before even realising who she is. The fact that all three of these people end up being some of Fitz’s only genuinely loving relationships makes it even better.

Favourite character arcs

I think I’ve gotta go with Verity and Burrich. Verity goes from kind of a bloke’s bloke (he was so different in the beginning than I remembered!) to being a proper King-in-Waiting. He is self-sacrificial but not for pride; he genuinely cares deeply for his people, as a whole and as individuals, and will do anything it takes to protect them. He is far from perfect, and he could have done a lot more for Fitz when he was younger, but once Fitz is in his eyeline and he is confronted with the life the boy has led he seems suitably shamed and tries to do his best for him. He’s a good boy and I love him!

Burrich of course is just. unlucky. His health deteriorates due to injuries. He gets saddled with some kid and is burdened to bring him up to an impossible standard he has set himself (to not shame a man he has an impossibly high opinion of). He’s deprived of a job he loved and was good at, and most importantly he’s deprived of his boyfriend I mean lover I mean “master”.

His arc is not a happy one at all but it is compelling, and I can’t help but love him and feel for him despite also disagreeing with him on almost everything :)

Favourite quote/s

Unfortunately I don’t have any tabs atm so I couldn’t really keep track, but my heart exploded when Fitz said to the Fool after going into his room, “I wish I had a place that were as much me as that place is you.”

Favourite relationships

Fitz/Fool obviously. Even though they don’t have that many interactions in this book I loved every single one of them. The Fool volunteering to care for Smithy after Fitz has endured a long day of horrendous abuse is just!!!!! Kindness! What a concept! I could really see why they develop such a deep bond so quickly.

Fitz/Burrich is just so real and so compelling and it hurts me but I love it. Fitz/Chade breaks my heart bc Chade is manipulating his way into Fitz’s heart - I think without realising it a lot of the time bc he is lonely too, but the power imbalance is not okay when he is the centre of Fitz’s world for a long time and the closest thing he has to a friend. Knowing how Chade behaves not too much later just makes it even worse when he is so nice in this book because it just shows why Fitz has such a hard time being his own person and saying no to Chade ever.

Fitz/Verity for obvious reasons. Fitz/Hands!! They’re cute but it makes me sad that Hands betrays him in AQ. Weirdly I liked Fitz/Molly way more this time but more their friendship than anything. And next is Royal Assassin and their deeply toxic romance soooooo.

And Fitz and his puppies BUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT.

Favourite setting

Do yourself a favour and read the description of the Mountain Kingdom and specifically the palace. It is STUNNING and something I completely skimmed over the first time cos I’m a dumb idiot bitch I could have been picturing a city of huge colourful tulips all this time but fuck me I guess!!

Favourite chapter

As a rereader I think I’ve gotta say chapter one. There’s just so much to pick apart all crammed into one chapter. It still holds a lot of mystery even when you’ve read the entire series.

Most loved character

At this point I’ve gotta say Fitz. That’s who my heart is with during this book and he NEEDS IT

Most hated character

Okay I found Regal a much better villain on this read and hated him A LOT but whomst I despised even more w the very fibre of my being was Galen bitch disgusting!!!!!! Verity was so like, smug?? when he killed him and it was so satisfying. It’s what she deserves!!

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimised by Robin Hobb (most heartbreaking and/or visceral moments)

Literally this whole book was so harsh and I was perpetually emo throughout but off the top of my head, Fitz’s depressive episode after Shrewd and Chade test his loyalty fricking broke me, as did the entirety of Galen’s abuse/training; since I was paying so much more attention this time it hit a lot harder that he is an absolute textbook abuser and the psychological torment he inflicts on Fitz is just. deeply upsetting to say the least. It really got under my skin.

Details, observations, spoilery notes made with the benefit of the full picture

Okay this is where I just dump all the notes I took while reading that don’t fit anywhere else. It’ll be long lol so strap in.

- It’s never not funny to me that Narrator Fitz comes across as like a hundred years old when in actuality he is like twenty. Also that he looks back on himself with such a sense of wisdom and superiority, yet we know there is dumbarsery aplenty to come. Amazing.

- I’ve never really registered that for the first six years of his life Fitz had a mother who loved him and I don’t know how to feel about that

- REVELATION THAT SEEMS REALLY OBVIOUS IN HINDSIGHT: Fitz most likely only spoke Chyurdan when he was abandoned, which would have played a huge role in why he was not only quiet but unresponsive to what was happening around him. He probably didn’t even understand that he wasn’t going to see his mother again until much later, and he didn’t know how to ask questions. When he goes to the Mountain Kingdom and Kettricken comments that he speaks Chyurdan like someone remembering the language he doesn’t comment on it, so it’s likely that future Fitz doesn’t register that he didn’t always speak Six Duchies(?). He mentions in the narration that the memory of being abandoned is incredibly stark but not necessarily reliable, and possibly shaped by the Skill, which to me opens up the possibility that his memory is essentially auto-translating for him things he didn’t understand at the time. We also know that at the time of writing this he’s given up his memories of his mother etc. up to the stone dragon, so obviously his recollections of these traumatic events are going to be warped by that. Anyway thanks to my sister for pointing this out and being much smarter than me.

- According to Fitz’s grandfather, Chivalry always knew about Fitz. Don’t know how trustworthy a man desperate to yeet his grandson out of his care is but there ya go.

- Weird and hilarious that Shrewd tries to see Fitz on the day he arrives but then just like. What? Forgets about him? For years? lol

- Chade literally tells Fitz that he is a king’s man now and that’s the most important thing about him YIKES

- Chade becomes the closest thing Fitz has to a friend for quite a long time and that is fucking depressing

- It’s interesting that Chade had to be convinced to teach Fitz. It’s hinted at that there was an ~incident~ the last time they tried to train someone, followed by a long period of Chade being left to rot in the walls.

- Not to be out here diagnosing fictional characters but like.Fitz. Literally has depression.

- Fitz having to turn down Fedwren’s offer of apprenticing for him is so sad. It’s the life Fitz should have had.

- The Fool’s non-binary gender is mentioned as early as Chapter Nine! (Published in 1995! We have no choice but to stan!)

- “So quickly we were all made accomplices in our own degradation.” OOF.

- I really realised this time that the reason Fitz seems so shit at things he trained his whole life for later is because all that training was interrupted by many months of isolation, deprivation and abuse. All at the age of like 13-14. He got out of the habit of subconsciously acting in a way that Burrich or Chade would approve of. For a long time the only person he needed approval from was Galen, and he became completely single-minded about it because that was his means of survival. And you don’t just recover from that - especially since neither Chade or Burrich would give him the time of day for an extended period *after* his training was done. When Chade did finally talk to him again it wasn’t to recommence training really; he just gave him a bunch of tasks to do. By the time Fitz got to the Mountain Kingdom he was completely out of practice, and still managed pretty bloody well in spite of it.

- Kind of related to the last point: I love that while Fitz isn’t a savant at anything he’s a pretty realistic jack of all trades. He not only has an aptitude for learning almost any skill or subject but a genuine broad curiosity too. It’s one of the few things that is just him, ya know? It’s just his personality and something he can find joy in, even if it does also factor into his being used by others.

- Imagine being Burrich and finding out that your son thought you were a dog murderer for like ten years lol ouch

- Fitz thinks about the Fool soooo often in the Mountain Kingdom, pointing out things that remind him of him, or things he would like. It’s v soft tbh I love them so much!!

- Another dumb thing I forgot is that Regal is convinced that Shrewd had Fitz poison his mother to death, which adds a rather important layer onto his motivations lol

Anyone doing a reread feel free to fill this out! You don’t have to use the tag :)

[paradife-loft]

part 2 of Watership Down thoughts.... a lot longer than part 1, oops.

BLACKAVAR, oh my gosh, Blackavar is also my favourite and I love him a lot ;____; (this is also a lot of what I mean w/ the Efrafans behaving like humans - the specific punishment given to him is very much a calculated thing to make an example, and a wound that even once healed is never going to look normal and unmarked. it doesn’t seem like the sort of thing most other rabbits would come up with, since they tend to be so much more concerned with what’s right in front of them.)

the part where Hyzenthlay is also a prophet like Fiver! I’d completely forgotten that angle as well; it’s very cool.

re: my earlier note about the purpose of Efrafa’s social structure - it’s interesting; the line about preventing the white blindness is what Holly brings back to tell the rest of the warren, but then when we get the bit of Woundwort’s POV, that seems like only a latecoming portion of the rationale for all of it? I wonder if that’s an intentional discrepancy to point out, maybe what the lower-ranking members of the warren are told and believe, versus Woundwort’s actual power-centric motivations? but it explains why I’d forgotten the former bit, in any case.

BLACKAVAR FEELS 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO or: oh my god, the bit where he follows Hazel under the bridge just because he figured well, it was an order? and then went to go find the others anyway even though he was exhausted???? the part where he tries to convince the group to continue on because it’s fox country out of nothing but general patrol intuition, gets voted down, and then up and forgets he made the suggestion bc that’s how you do things under Totalitarian Hell Warren, even though he’s later proved right??!?! I love him and I love the insight into Efrafan culture, and everything. also when we find out that he and the Efrafans in general have A DIFFERENT ACCENT? how is this fellow so precious. how.

This Fucking Passage, omg - ““Probably he really has. But whether or not, you’d never get him to admit that he warned you or to listen while you told him he’d been right. He could no more do that than pass hraka underground.” // “But you’re an Efrafan. Do you think like that, too?” // “I’m a doe,” said Hyzenthlay.”

this occurred to me several times beforehand, but I kept forgetting to include it - everything takes such a short period of time, by human standards! there’s barely a day or two between every major event that happens; I think in total the novel can’t cover more than a month of time, and that’s on the far side? it’s such a weird position to occupy, because you naturally want to stretch the events out to a longer timescale that better “matches” the intuitive/emotional sense portrayed (and allows for all these injuries to heal, holy shit?), but in the context of a rabbit’s lifetime, the way they experience just a few days feels very different from how we think of just a few days.

this is just a hypothesis, but - I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on between the switching between Lapine and English translations, w/ names especially, and - I think it essentially works in the same way as how/why I switch between standard Sindarin names in narration, and Quenya in dialogue, when writing Silm material?? which is very cool. something something old English dudes who like plants and language...

Bigwig getting bad language past the radar and literally saying “eat shit, stinklord” XD fucking iconic. (also frequently quoted, as I recall, by all of us ten year olds reading the book for class who were delighted by any and all ways of insulting people in words the adults around wouldn’t understand.)

it’s honestly fascinating just how many different non-rabbit animals the main characters end up establishing alliances with or otherwise using to their advantage in their conflict with Efrafa? Kehaar, the fox, the mouse, the dog? most of them due to Hazel’s instincts and strategising, too, aside from the fox, which is pretty cool as an even further extension of his main strength as a Chief Rabbit, knowing his people and their particular gifts and trusting them to use them. and beyond that - this idea that the Efrafans, who aggressively suppress their natural instincts as rabbits, despite being very skilled at perception and analysis of their surroundings, end up repeatedly at the short end of the stick in interactions with all sorts of other parts of nature? I dunno; there’s no exact dividing line “this group acts rabbit-like and this group doesn’t” to try and force on the dynamics here, and I’m really quite glad of that and think it makes for a much better story than the alternative, but. it definitely feels like some manner of emergent theme, for sure.

there’s something that just hits fucking deep about the passage: ““My Chief Rabbit has told me to defend this run and until he says otherwise I shall stay here.” // It had never occurred to Woundwort or any of his officers that Thayli was not the Chief Rabbit of his warren.... And if he was not the Chief Rabbit, then somewhere close by there must be another, stronger rabbit who was. A stronger rabbit than Thlayli.” -- especially in context with Woundwort’s meeting/failed parlay with Hazel earlier. like damn.

FUCK YEAH SCARY FIVER!!! “I am sorry for you with all my heart... Believe me, I am sorry for your death.”

“Come back, you fools! Dogs aren’t dangerous!”

god the last like, three chapters of this book have the most metal goddamn quotes ever

Vilthuril telling an embellished version of the first quarter of the book as a story of El-ahrairah’s people to her kids??!! I love that as a worldbuilding detail so much, oh my gosh. (also uhhhh, telling that the snare warren is rewritten in as “the rabbits of Prince Rainbow”, lmao. Prince Rainbow is an asshole XD)

aaaand that’s all! what a good ending. what a good book.

[caatws]

tagged by @justanalto to answer some questions !! :)

1. What is the color of your hairbrush? it’s like a blueish/greenish color and has moana on it! i usually comb my hair so i bought that brush just bc it was moana themed a few years ago lol. i don’t use it often

2. Name a food you never eat. there are many.....#justchildhoodocdthings ermmmm i don’t eat a lot of snack foods like chips or goldfish

3. Are you typically too cold or too warm? too warm, esp these days bc the weather is hella warming up so i wake up feeling hot a lot

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? i was working on some post-grad work stuff and then crossed over into my roommates’ room to watch the facebook livestream graduation 2020 thing cuz miley was on singing the climb

5. What is your favorite candy bar? i love a good hershey’s special dark chocolate moment

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event? yes, quite a lot actually! my mom is super into sports, so i grew up going to a handful of pro sports games - mlb, nba, and nhl. never nfl tho bc my mom said the price of tix wasn’t worth it LMAOOOO. also when the olympics are here in la in like 8 years i wouldn’t mind checking out some events here !!

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? i asked my roommate if she wanted me to close the door as i was leaving her room bc she was abt to hop on a zoom call

8. What is your favorite ice cream? chocolate.....esp if it’s dark chocolate which is Rare

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? starbucks peppermint hot chocolate bc i’m a basic bitch!!!!

10. Do you like your wallet? yeah, i only upgraded from my middle school wallet like back in 2018 to a normal adult looking one. it’s purple and has enough pockets for all my shit! still bulky tho

11. What was the last thing you ate? ....nothing LMFAOOOO lunch is usually my first meal of the day and i haven’t had it yet. but last night i had ramen for dinner

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? last time i bought clothes was i ordered one of the black widow hoodies from hot topic like a month ago....other than that i have not gone clothes shopping since pre-quarantine

13. The last sporting event you watched? i don’t even know....i didn’t watch the super bowl, so it’d either be some time my roommate was watching hockey on our tv or whatever sports my mom was watching when i was still home for winter break in january

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? KETTLE CORN!!!!

15. Who is last person you sent a text message to? i sent a pic of miley singing the climb on the fb livestream on my friend’s laptop to my fam being like “lol miley is our commencement performer!!!!” and my mom was just like cool

16. Ever go camping? yes unfortunately....never for more than a night at a time tho bc i literally Cannot

17. Do you take vitamins? no bc what is Health

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? used to back in the days of catholic school (pre college), but now no longer

19. Do you have a tan? nah bc we can’t go outside bro

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? chinese food 100% i personally think pizza is overrated

21. Do you drink soda with a straw? i don’t believe i ever do tbh

22. What color socks do you usually wear? i only own socks with colorful patterns/designs on them which is extra but very me i suppose

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? always! (a reasonable amount over tho, like within 5-10 mph over...this is average for californians, while many others speed hella)

24. What terrifies you? not a fan of heights nor uncertainty, and this pandemic has essentially destroyed my post grad hopes/plans and now i enter an uncertain future

25. Look to your left, what do you see? my bed, with a lot of stuff piled on top

26. What chore do you hate? all of them???? i guess doing the dishes mostly tho bc i hate the smell of wet dishes with food waste/residue on them and it just feels so gross i can’t

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? i think wow australia sounds like a wild country

28. What’s your favorite soda? orange soda 4ever

29. Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? drive-thru if i can !!! but i don’t mind going in if there’s ample parking available

30. Who’s the last person you talked to? my roommate, when i asked if she wanted me to close the door LMAO

31. Favorite cut of beef? all of them????? i’m not picky with meat dsflkbn

32. Last song you listened to? as i was driving back into my garage the radio station i was listening to started playing sugar we’re going down which threw me for a time loop

33. Last book you read? i’ve been reading fanfic mostly recently so ig whatever the last thing i read for my internship weeks ago was, it would be that

34. Favorite day of the week? even tho time doesn’t matter in quarantine, i’ll always be a friday stan

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards? i used to be decent at it but i’m out of practice now. i’ll try to just type it rly quickly and see: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba (ok so this took me like 5ish secs to type so that’s p good!)

36. How do you like your coffee? i don’t! i just drink peppermint hot chocolate :^)

37. Favorite pair of shoes? my doc martens, but they are now out of season for most of the rest of the year bc i live in southern california where it’s Hawt so i probs won’t wear them again til december

38. The time you normally go to sleep? sometime between 1 and 3 am

39. The time you normally get up? sometime between 9 and 11 am

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets are dope!!!

41. How many blankets on your bed? three, including my sheet, comforter, and a small quilt

42. Describe your kitchen plates. some are just round and plain white, some are round and white with a red decorative border, one is a pokémon plate meant for children that i bought cheap at target

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? piña colada!!! but if i’m trying to get drunk i need vodka or somethin

44. Do you play cards? not much tbh! my apartment has been on a mahjong streak as of late

45. What color is your car? silver!!

46. Can you change a tire? no i’m useless but also my parents believe i’ll get murdered if stuck on the side of the road (which is possible) so they’d prefer me to call aaa for help

47. Your favorite province? uhhhhhhh no provinces here in the u.s. but canada has provinces and i went to british columbia (to visit vancouver) once as a kid so???? if we talking states tho y’all know i will die for california

48. Favorite job you’ve ever had? honestly my job at my school’s mail center this past year was rly cool! my boss was so great and the other student workers were chill, so it was a nice environment and i enjoyed learning all these mail-related skills

49. How did you get your biggest scar? i have no scars ;))))

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy? i had my final appointment with my therapist from my school since i graduated, so i thanked him for working with me the past year and a half!

i tag: anyone who wants to do this, i’m lazyyyyy hehe so feel free to steal!!!! i wanna read y’all’s answers

[granpafrisbee]

Truth or Dare Part 1

Warnings: Cussing                    

Word Count: 3,752 (it’s gonna get longer tho)

Pairing: Bucky x OFC           

Masterlist

Summary: After going to Italy and avoiding any romantic relationships for pretty much all her life Joey comes back to the U.S. to move in with her life-long best friend, Sam Wilson, and his two closest friends from college. Joey’s met Steve but is apprehensive to meet the elusive Bucky, whom she’s always missed despite having visited Sam consistently throughout college. Once she meets him, however, she wonders how she’ll be able to run from love when they share a bathroom.

A/N: Hey, so I'll be updating this most Wednesdays. I'll try my hardest to stay regular. 

I wrote this using an OFC bc I cannot work my brain to replace my name with fucking Y/N and I know I'm not the only one. (I always end up reading it as fucking "yuuhnnumm"). I am fully in love with Zazie Beetz so our OFC is completely based on her except maybe a lil chubbier because why not. Really for the apartment just picture the layout of the New Girl loft.

I always have a confusing time picturing characters in fics so I'm gonna lay it out for y'all. Steve is full nomad, them honey brown locks and the full beard. Joey's hair is natural like Zazie so often wears it. Bucky is just Seb in fall/winter 2017 because I am weak for the I, Tonya press tour look. Sam is Mackie's classic look. The rest of the characters can be left to the imagination.

Also  I mention good music so listen to that if you want. Please let me know if you like this and follow my hot garbage tumblr.

Special thanks to @buckybarnesxoxo for asking to be tagged!

the AO3

Stay Sexy

It’s the bathroom that really impresses Joey. She believed Sam when he said the apartment was nice. On seeing it for the first time when moving in, she discovers that her best friend is distinctly incorrect. A working sink is nice. A proper heater is nice. A nearby laundromat is nice. This loft, this four-bedroomed palace, is exquisite in comparison to her previous abodes. The kitchen has all its necessary appliances. There are a washer and dryer in unit. The walls are thick enough that if Sam was stabbed in his neighboring room, she would maybe hear it. Four bedrooms with their very own closets. All of these have her speechless as she tours around. However, as stated above, it’s the bathroom that is killer. The idea of sharing said room with three men is maybe one of the more foreboding aspects of her new sweet digs, but once she sees the giant clawfoot shower and tub, she is sure the positives will heavily outweigh the negatives.

She immediately slides down into her new porcelain palace. She’s a medium height at 5’6”, and even she has to point her toes to touch the far end of the tub. She sighs comfortably and is already planning an essential oils combination for her first real bath when the door swings open and her fantasy is interrupted by one her new roommates. He’s the one she hasn’t met yet but Sam and Steve have shown her plenty of pictures. His hair looks soft and well-coiffed and he wears a tank top under an unbuttoned striped short sleeve button down. Rather than judgment appearing across his abnormally handsome face, he smiles like there was nothing else he could have expected when entering the bathroom.

“You see I specifically told Steve to get a bathtub that doesn’t come with a human.”

“Oh no, you got it all wrong. I’m actually a ghost here to haunt you but hygienically. Instead of boo, I say floss.” She says without a beat and he nods, very seriously, in response to this.

“You know I’m pretty sure I just carried in a bed to our fourth room that might be more comfortable than the tub, but who am I to judge one’s preferred sleeping arrangements.” His quip is followed by another fantastic smile, and based on the past ten seconds of her life Joey is absolutely sure that this is her kind of human.

She smiles back and extends her hand from the tub. “Joey.”

“Bucky,” He shakes her hand and nods again.

“You guys brought up my bed? I told Samuel to let me handle that shit.”

He laughs and scratches his beard, “Ah just gave me another opportunity to show Sam how much stronger I am than him. And Steve the chance to show up both of us.”

Joey chuckles and silently appreciates how Bucky balanced his dig on Sam with some light self-depreciation of himself. Although it would be unrealistic to pretend that anyone was stronger than Steve. The man is built. “Seriously though, I’ll come help y’all out. I’m not gonna be the useless roommate.” She gets out of the tub and starts out the door.

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about that, I think Sammy’s got that title covered, Darlin’.” He follows her out and therefore doesn’t see her face cringe at the pet name.

She considers calling him on it when Sam yells from the front door, “I know you’re not in there besmirching me to my very own best friend Barnes,” He enters view sweaty and smiling, “And I especially know she wasn’t participating, because she is my best friend and therefore automatically on my side.” He wraps his arm protectively around her shoulders causing her to shrug away from him with her nose scrunched.

“Consider our friendship on sabbatical until you take a shower, Wilson.” Joey continues backing away.

“Jesus I always knew your personality stank but I guess the inside always comes out huh.” Bucky mirrors Joey’s disgusted face as he walks towards the door.

Sam rolls his eyes, “Not funny.” Although the involuntary “Hah!” Joey lets out at Bucky’s comment seems to contradict his statement. Sam just flips her off.

“Thank you, Doll. You see Sammy, even your best friend thinks I’m right.” Bucky mocks as he heads back outside.

This time Sam sees her face twist in reaction to the nickname. Misinterpreting it he grumbles, “Oh come on there’s no way you can smell me from over there.” He starts to head to his room, presumably for deodorant.

Joey follows Bucky downstairs to help with some more furniture moving. Steve is outside their building, ass in the air, bent over picking something up. “Damn Rogers,” Joey calls out appreciatively, “If I knew I’d be getting a view like that I would have shacked up with you years ago.”

He stands up, holding up an entire bookshelf on his own, further challenging the poor under armor shirt that is being stretched to hell on his giant frame. “Hey killer, thanks for joining us.”

She picks up a lamp and smiles at him, “Well I figured you guys needed the extra muscle.”

His smile is bright against his beard as he walks into the house with the ease of a man who isn't carrying a bookshelf.

The four of them finish loading their sporadic furniture into the loft and the afternoon fades to early evening. An old but amazing and huge high-quality leather sectional provided by Steve’s mom. Sam’s flat screen, whom he’s named Esmeralda, and may or may not have a near sexual attraction to. Bucky’s records and a player that’s older than any of them, plus a big wooden dinner table his Dad handmade. Steve’s varied level of completed canvases and paint stuff. Joey’s shelves and chairs she found on the side of the road her senior year in college. A mix of plates, bowls, and utensils have been loaded into varying drawers and cabinets. As well as cooking instruments, although, beyond Joey’s waffle iron and an old cast iron from Steve, it’s all Sam’s. Everyone’s personal boxes and furniture is piled in their own rooms.

Joey sits on the kitchen island as the boys lean against it, all sipping the cheap beer Joey bought as penance for them carrying her bed in. She takes that moment to appreciate the weird chain of events that got her where she is now. She and Sam have been friends since grade school. They went to different colleges but remained good ol’ buddies throughout. When they graduated Joey traveled around and did an apprenticeship with an Italian glassblower. Sam went to Culinary school, and when he graduated the second time around Joey was offered a job with a world-renowned blower (god she will never get tired of calling her profession that) stateside. After little luck finding a two bedroom inexpensive enough for the two of them, Steve, one of Sam’s old college buddies Joey had met many a time during visits, mentioned his friend's dad owned a couple lofts in the neighborhood they were looking in. Sam toured with Steve and Bucky and the three of them signed the lease that day. Sam called Joey that night and announced he was so confident that he forged her signature. He was insistent that it was the best option they’d find, all Steve is a good guy and fellow artist, and even Bucky is sometimes bearable but don’t tell him that. Steve paints and sketches in his free time and works as a personal trainer to pay the bills. Joey knows he isn’t passionate about it, but with his perfect body and matching attitude, she is sure he is fantastic at his job. Sam is starting at a new restaurant with a name Joey can only pronounce thanks to high school French. A plus for living with Sam is that he brings work home with him. Although Joey had visited Sam plenty over the years and even struck up a solid friendship with Steve, she always seems to have missed Bucky. They had never met but she knew he was a language major with a focus in Eastern Europe and Russia. Sam had told her Bucky translated English books into Russian and vice versa and made more money than he should. Earlier Joey had heard him curse in some sort of Slavic tongue when Sam “accidentally” dropped his end of a coffee table on Bucky’s foot. She also had heard a few stories about Steve and Bucky’s childhood, the rambunctious troublemakers lived up to every tall tale. As the four nursed their beers she felt confident that this was going to be a very important group of people in her life.

“Joey?” Sam snapped her out of her thoughts.

“What?”

“Barnes suggested we get more beer and pizza and invite some friends over. Are you down?” The three men looked at her expectantly.

“I say hell yeah. Who are we calling?” She looked down at her watch and was surprised to see it was only 6:30.

“Well there are the couples, Nat and Wanda and Thor and Bruce,” Steve suggested.

“I told Shuri I’d pay her in alcohol if she set up all the tech shit,” Bucky adds.

Steve nods, “Now that you mention it, we should probably invite Tony, he’s the reason we got this place.”

“Tony means at least Rhodey and probably Pep, Clint is a must, and if we invite Wanda we should call Pietro too.” Sam finishes his beer and scrolls through his messages.

“Brunnhilde and Okoye are in town too.” Joey hops off the counter and recycles the empty bottles collecting on the island.

“Alright you guys decide who to invite, and I’ll go get libations and sustenance,” Bucky grabs his keys.

“With the list we’ve got you’ll need some help, I’ll come with,” Joey volunteers.

Bucky smiles vibrantly and nods towards to Steve, “You okay babysitting Rogers?”

“As long as Killer doesn’t mind your unreasonably picky ass,” Steve’s retort is so quick that Bucky and Sam raise their middle fingers simultaneously at their aggravator.

Joey and Bucky decide to start off to the pizzeria three blocks away and pick up the beer on the walk back. The walk begins in mildly uncomfortable silence.

“So… you’re picky?” Joey asks to spark some sort of conversation.

“Nooo..” Bucky’s defensiveness creates an endearing drawl, “Those two pompous asses just don’t understand that I like my pizza simple. Margherita pizza is a fucking gift. Who am I to screw it up with a bunch of American bullshit?” He gestures widely as he speaks.

“You’re kidding right?”

Bucky’s must have misinterpreted her smile as he quickly responds, “Alright I’ve been judged enough in my life, I know you lived in Italy and-”

“No, no, Bucky!” She grabs his forearm, “Margherita is my favorite! I ate it all the time in Italy, judgment-free.”

“Jesus Christ Doll, where have you been all my life?”

She smiles and they continue a brisk pace to the pizza place. “How did you know I lived in Italy?”

“Ah, I know plenty about you. Sammy talks about you non-stop, has since I met him. Steve even thought he was secretly in love with you until he hung out with you in person.”

This makes Joey raise her brows, “Really? Wow. What, if I may ask, ultimately caused him to accept our relationship as extraordinarily platonic? Was it the sibling-like side hugs? The lack of sexual tension in our banter? The fact that I knew him during his first mustache phase?”

“Are you telling me there was a skinnier mustache than the one we know and mildly tolerate?”

“I’m talking Prince but pubescent. It was so thin models asked his mustache for dieting tips. It was so thin his first girlfriend thought he had an eyelash over his top lip. I mean you would’ve thought he drew it on with a ballpoint pen. In fact, it’s very possible it was. Just because I never saw doesn’t mean he never-”

Bucky is laughing uproariously, “Please, please, you’re killing me. I’m gonna need pictures as soon as possible.”

“No can do. I will recite the epic of the mustache homer-style until the day I die, but any physical evidence shared will prompt an all-out war between Samuel and me. That is just something I can’t afford.”

“Oh now I have to see them. What’s your secret shame, sweetheart? Bangs? Braces? Please tell me it was an emo phase,” As he lists off he starts walking backward, the goofy smile didn't dim once.

“I’ll never share, but trust me when I say if you find something behind my back, I’m sure Steve will be more than willing to share some pictures of your past. Emo phase is a good guess, but if I didn’t know any better I’d say that was a projection, hmm?”

That does a good job of replacing his smile with pursed lips and a quirked eyebrow, contemplating his next move in this battle of embarrassing adolescence. “Steve would never betray me.”

“Don’t be so sure, all men have their weaknesses,” She smiles deviously.

“Oh yeah, you gonna seduce him for a picture of me in eyeliner?”

“First of all, I would seduce Steve for much less so thanks for confirming my emo theories. Secondly, I may not know Steve like you do, but I know him well enough to see that seduction would hardly prove fruitful.” She holds the door open for him and they both bask in the practically orgasmic scent of the pizzeria, “Steve is so suspicious of anyone who wants to sleep with him that he’d see through me. My method would be to trick him to do some sort of high school ‘Where are they now?’ portrait. He’d be so inspired he’d paint your lined eyes and black, I’m guessing, over parted hair in a second.” The line is moving slowly and he admires how she never lowers her volume or hides from strangers eyes.

“Damn, Doll, you’re good.”

“I minored in manipulation.” The store isn’t too packed for Saturday night and Sam Cooke is playing lightly in the background. She’s nodding her head and he’s mouthing along to words and when they both realize this they share a smile at the music.

“So Steve is a suspicious mind in your book?” She chuckles at his reference.

“I’m not the biggest drinker and neither is Steve, so when Sammy went hard when I visited, Steve was always good for a tipsy talk. The poor guy has the same self-esteem he must have had in high school. Unlike us three cool cats Steve will show me pictures of his past self. I know you were there through it all, but just because the outside changes doesn’t mean the inside follows suit. I have seen the most dedicated and gorgeous women throw themselves at him and yet he remains sure that she was ‘just being friendly’. It’s actually impressive.”

“I know what you mean. To be fair though a lot of that is just his college girlfriend. She really did a number on him.” He runs a hand through his hair but doesn’t hide his contempt for whoever she is.

Solemn surprise covers Joey’s features, “I never knew. Never met her on any visits.”

“She wasn’t big on him talking to other girls, probably hid him anytime you came around. Although that isn’t my story to tell, I’m sure the punk will tell you about it sometime.” She follows his eye line down to his shoes. He’s drawing stars with the tip of his shoe, a tic she’s just noticing.

“What about you? You have a girl hiding you away, distracting you during your collegiate years? She the reason our meeting was so unluckily delayed until today?”

He thinks about the answer for a second or two. “Nah, no anchor to this ship. At this point, I’m just convinced Wilson just didn’t tell me you were around because he knew you would like me more than him.”

“Well turns out I like Steve better than both of you.”

He puts his hands up and reassures her, “I don’t need to be first, Sweetheart, just as long as I’m on your radar.” As he lowers his hands the song changes and they simultaneously recognize the song, both begin humming the initial notes. “Penny & The Quarters fan huh?” He asks.

“Nobody, baby, but-” she sings before quickly turning her attention to the cashier, “We’ll have two large Everything Pizzas and one large Margherita.” Facing Bucky again she smiles and drops another line that makes his heart race, “Just for you and me, huh?”

The pizza is out quick, and a trip to the local gas station provides them with more than enough beer. They continue discussing music, Joey is surprised at their similarly irregular taste. He describes his favorite Etta James songs, but can’t forget the Simon and Garfunkel song that he thinks is his first love encapsulated. He lists his top three favorite rappers after ranking contemporary folk bands. She adds in her opinions sporadically, and he apologizes twice for dominating the conversation when they get in the elevator.

She is being honest when she says, “There’s nothing I want to hear more than whatever you’re going to say right this moment.” He thinks that every lyric in every song he’s just listed doesn’t have shit on that sentence.

He’s about to tell her so when an alarming large hand last minute catches the elevator as it closes. The doors open to the Thor and Bruce. The couple is the lynchpin of every good party, from rager to kickback. Thor is the greatest hype man in history but is never hammered, probably because it would take two handles of tequila to get him there. Bruce is much more chill but a secret god at beer pong, not to mention he always has weed. Bucky’s favorite part of their presence always happens when Bruce is particularly high and begins a lecture on some sort of subject no one else understands. He isn’t exactly captivating, especially not to anyone far from sober although his passion is palpable, but Thor will plop down on the couch next to him and watch him like he’s the only thing in the universe (while rubbing Bruce’s neck to keep him from getting too wound up). Bucky loves those guys.

“Looks like we arrived just in time, wouldn’t you say Thor?” Bruce shakes Bucky’s hand and smiles at Joey.

“Of course! I was worried we got too much pizza, but now that you’re here Thor I’m sure you’ll help us with any surplus.” Joey sets the pizzas down before Thor pulls her into a bear hug.

“Joey, you know I never leave a damsel in distress,” Thor agrees as he sets her back on her feet.

Joey’s eyebrow playfully shoots up, “Who are you calling damsel, Odinson?”

“In this case, definitely Sam. I’m surprised he even let you order out.” Bruce answers for his boyfriend.

“My love is right in my insinuation. Never ever have I seen you anywhere near damsel status Joe.” Bucky watches their interaction with curiosity.

The elevator dings and Bucky asks, “This may seem like a dumb question but how do you guys know each other? Just through Sam?”

Joey picks up the pizzas as Thor holds the door open, ”Thor’s siblings and I were all in a group home together as teens. I’ve known this big lug long before he was the Nordic party god we see before us.” Thor laughs and he and Bruce go to greet everyone inside.

“Are you telling me Thor hasn’t always been a blonde beefcake?” Bucky whispers in Joey’s ear as they set the pizza and beer on the counter.

“Sadly no, he’s looked like that since I met him. I just like making that joke because he’s too humble to care.” She makes note that he doesn’t question the foster home part of her story. She wonders just what Sam has told him about her past.

People start to crowd the food and drinks, so Joey and Bucky greet everyone who has arrived. Nat is there sans Wanda, who is at home sick. Bucky knows this means Nat will be leaving early. Pietro made it despite his ill sibling, but he still looks pretty sick of the conversation in front of him. Shuri and Clint are mid-argument about the chicken and the egg when Bucky thanks them for coming. Clint gives him a smile and points to a fake succulent on the table and mumbles, “Got you guys a housewarming present,” before returning his attention to telling Shuri that the Chicken is the obvious choice. Shuri tells Bucky she set up the wifi and the apple tv and Clint doesn’t even register that she’s talking over him. Bucky kisses her cheek and hands her a beer.

Steve is sitting with Bruce and Thor on the couch, all of them engrossed in conversation and pizza. Sam is chopping fresh onion for his pizza when Bucky asks, “These are the few you could bribe to get here?”

“These losers are the only ones without any plans on a Saturday night,” Sam says without looking up.

Clint and Pietro both look up and say a simultaneous, “Hey!” Before turning their attention back to their conversation.

“T’Challa and Nakia are in Paris. Brunnhilde has a gig tonight. Okoye hung up on me when I said pizza and beer. Parker has an exam. Tony named six events he was invited to tonight and would’ve kept going if Steve hadn’t hung up. Pepper and Rhodey are probably plus thing one and two wherever Tony ended up at. Thus, this motley crew is all we got.” Sam sprinkles his diced onion on top of his already spilling slice and when he bites into it his groan stops the conversations surrounding the apartment.

“Lame. Your intestines are not going to be thanking you for that monster you are devouring under the alias of pizza.” Joey makes a face as he continues to stuff his face.

“Like eating just mozzarella and basil is enjoyable at all,” Sam dismisses her and joins the rest of their crew.

“Heathens,” Bucky dramatically admonishes their friends, “You ready Doll?”

This time he catches the tightening of her expression at his comment, ”Born ready.” They both grab a piece of their untouched pizza and taps crusts in cheers.

Part 2

Part 3

Thanks for reading!

[mkzmerryfriend]

6, 7, 19, 25!

!!!!! Thank u!!!

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

Starting off dark! I like it! My darkest fear is that I will die before I’m able to publish anything and nobody will find my writing. Essentially, dying in complete obscurity. Dunno if that’s narcissistic or something but that’s my biggest fear related to writing.

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Related to that last one, I find the most joy when I hear from people who have read my works. Not just the good stuff either, I love hearing what could be done better (if I’ve asked for that kind of criticism of course lol) and if there is something that is either factually or culturally incorrect. Like when I wrote something with German in it and exclusively used google translate bc I don’t know German and a fluent native speaker told me it was okay but the grammar was unnatural. I love that shit.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did it start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

*claps hands very loud and sits forward in my chair* Well! I have basically been writing since I learned how to read, which was like… age six or something, I don’t remember. I started writing because reading amazing stories stimulated some creativity in my little brain and it needed to come out, I wasn’t satisfied just reading stories or watching movies or shows. I had stories to tell too, and by golly I was gonna tell them. There were lots of bumps along the way of course, almost all of them caused by my own belief that writing/art wasn’t a “real career” and that if I was going to college it had to be for a science or a social science. There were times where I wasn’t reading or writing anything that wasn’t academic for years. Where I am now is that I’m an art major getting a minor in creative writing. I believe in myself and my creativity now. I am currently brimming with ideas, I just need to commit to one and write it. Where I’m going is forward, wherever I can end up writing and publishing a book. I want to set up a writing schedule that works for me so that I don’t have too many of those bouts of not writing at all, I want to set reading goals for the year so that I have less bouts of not reading at all, and I desperately want to go on a writing retreat bc that sounds like the ultimate vacation to me. Go somewhere gorgeous and just write.

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

Oh my GOD I have so many of these… I’m so glad you asked this… Literally all of my characters are from stories that are WIPs, but I will briefly explain their story’s premise for you.

Ronny is an English major whose story is about a summer vacation to San Diego where she meets a bunch of cool surfers and skaters who help her find her place in the world. Her irrelevant fact is that she has gone skydiving once in her life and didn’t completely hate it.

Paul is from the same story as Ronny, he owns the local surf/skate shop. His irrelevant fact is that despite being a surfer and his nickname being Pauly, he has never once listened to the Beatles. Bonus slightly more relevant fact, he also doesn’t like The Beach Boys that much but plays them in the shop anyway because it “fits the vibe, man.”

Ellis is from a story about a shattered magical family, and is the only boy among three other siblings. He also has a magical power called Suggestion: he make anyone do anything he says to them. His irrelevant fact is that he once used his power to get into the newest Star Wars movie showing for free, but it was the Phantom Menace. It is still at the top of his list of biggest wastes of his powers.

Juliet is from a sci-fi story about time travel and fixing mistakes. She is from the far flung future. Her irrelevant fact is that she is legally not allowed to drive, in the future nor the past. She is a menace to society with no spacial awareness inside a vehicle.

Thanks again for humoring me!! I love talking about writing and my silly little characters!!

[lesbianbruabba]

all of them!

Anon you are trying to kill me but also like..thank you

1: Full name

I’m not stupid, I’m not putting my full real name out. lol

2: Age

Eighteen

3: 3 Fears

Being rejected, depression consuming my life, going deaf or blind

4: 3 things I love

My brother, my friends, music

5: 4 turns on

Gentle caresses, dirty talk, teasing, kink stuff

6: 4 turns off

Uhhh. Pedophilia, scat, incest, racial degradation? I’m going for the most hardcore bad stuff lol

7: My best friend

I have a lot but for simplicity’s sake my bestest is @lettiehigh

8: Sexual orientation

Bisexual

9: My best first date

Lol

10: How tall am I

5′2. correct question is how short am I

11: What do I miss

Special ham sandwiches

12: What time were I born

I don’t fucking know

13: Favourite color

Pink

14: Do I have a crush

I have multiple. 

15: Favourite quote

“They don’t sell cheese at the jewelry store” - my husband Felony Steve

16: Favourite place

My bedroom

17: Favourite food

Chicken nuggets from a hong kong mcdonald’s. They taste like shit in scotland

18: Do I use sarcasm

Sometimes but I’m not that good at it

19: What am I listening to right now

No More Time - Flor

20: First thing I notice in new person

Eyes

21: Shoe size

6.5

22: Eye color

Dark brown/black

23: Hair color

Dark brown/black. it’s gotten darker over the last few years

24: Favourite style of clothing

Frilly or bondage-y. Sometimes both at once

25: Ever done a prank call?

Nope

27: Meaning behind my URL

RPDR fic pen name

28: Favourite movie

RENT

29: Favourite song

Right now it’s Felony Reunion by Felony Steve

30: Favourite band

Waterparks, flor, All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, you can’t make me pick

31: How I feel right now

Lorny

32: Someone I love

My baby brother

33: My current relationship status

Single

34: My relationship with my parents

Rocky but overall it’s fine. It’s like an ongoing negotiation but I know they love me really.

35: Favourite holiday

I went to England when I was 14 with my school. 

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

None

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

Nipple piercings, I want a hip tattoo on my right hip because I haven’t self-harmed there and it’s a bit of a ‘sacred space’ now. someday I want a lyric tattoo, a flower tattoo (roses pls) and a watercolor one. I follow so many tattoo instagrams and they all look so pretty

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

At the very very beginning to make an aesthetic pastel blog. Got into roleplaying for a couple of years, made some good friends, some sad things happened, moved onto rpdr fic, evolved into the mess it is now

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

what ex

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

Good morning snaps from my brother and copyright from @samrull

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

Nope

42: When did I last hold hands?

Not a thing I’ve done in a long time? 

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

Depends on whether I do makeup or not. 10 minutes if I don’t have to, 20-30 if I do.

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

Nope. I don’t shave unless there’s a special event.

45: Where am I right now?

My bedroom in Edi

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

I don’t drink :)

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

reasonable level most of the time. Unless I am feeling particularly apathetic/anhedonic/depressed

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

Back in Hong kong yes

49: Am I excited for anything?

Dan and Phil show, possible trip to Copenhagen, possibly seeing flor, doing fashion design or Danish at uni next year, improving my fluency in languages, my brother visiting Edi, going home and seeing all my friends, going home and seeing my teachers I miss them so much oh my god, possibly seeing one of my crushes again!!

Oh and I’m going to a convention on sunday so that’s pretty great too!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

Yeah my brother we’re a bit too open

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

depends on how often I leave my room/spend time in others’ company that I’m not comfortable with. 

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

Tuesday at 7:30 pm

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

Cool, thumbs up dude. he kisses well

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

Yeah probably. lbr I trust people too easily

55: What is something I disliked about today?

I didn’t move from my bed much. but! I got a lot of drawing done and I studied some Polish so that’s a win. fuck you for making me think negatively :)

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

there’s this girl in denmark i owe a very long apology to. her. and maybe her cat.

57: What do I think about most?

My crushes, analyzing whether I have a pattern/type of crush, random etymologies, whether Russian is harder than Polish or I have a warped bias, whether my friends care about me or am I overestimating my place in their hearts

58: What’s my strangest talent?

I can say thank you in like 15 languages that counts right?

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

The wolf from little red riding hood

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

In front bc I am shite at taking photos

61: What was the last lie I told?

my meds are making me better

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Video chatting oh my god

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I sometimes hope ghosts exist. idk about aliens

64: Do I believe in magic?

No 

65: Do I believe in luck?

yes

66: What’s the weather like right now?

Not that bad for scotland tbh but chilly for late April

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

Essentials of Polish verbs and grammar or something. google it

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

no???? who tf likes that what the fuck

69: Do I have any nicknames?

This one friend I used to have called me Christababe. Also people at school called me Lily

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

Self harm cut from a few weeks ago. Got infected (it’s fine now)

71: Do I spend money or save it?

Depends

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

With a tongue sure but not my own lmao

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

Yes a lot of it because my closet is next to my bed :)

74: Favourite animal?

Unicorn

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

Eating ice cream and surfing the drag race reddit

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

I don’t know???? Johnson?

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

78: How can you win my heart?

Don’t manipulate me.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

Married to Felony Steve

80: What is my favorite word?

Felony

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

Like my faves? @rippling-waves @samrull @lettiehigh @veronicasanders @lecafenoirx

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Listen to Waterparks they have the best music. -dabs-

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

Nope

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Fluency in all languages

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“are you in love with me”. if asked by certain people. alternatively “do you like girls” asked by other certain people. 

86: What is my current desktop picture?

DDLC fanart

87: Had sex?

No but close

88: Bought condoms?

No but I have one from the Hive from a fresher’s package

89: Gotten pregnant?

no dear lord 

90: Failed a class?

Nope and I hope not

91: Kissed a boy?

Yes

92: Kissed a girl?

No, I wish

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

No

94: Had job?

Yes, barista and factory worker

95: Left the house without my wallet?

Yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

Kind of? Not really? It was more of an argument but we’re friends now. I was a stupid thirteen year old 

97: Had sex in public?

No

98: Played on a sports team?

Lol, tell another one

99: Smoked weed?

No

100: Did drugs?

No, will not

101: Smoked cigarettes?

No, I hate smoking

102: Drank alcohol?

I had a few sips of white wine that were absolutely DISGUSTING

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

No

104: Been overweight?

Currently am

105: Been underweight?

I wish

106: Been to a wedding?

Yeah of distant relatives and teachers

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

Try 14

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

I don’t watch TV, There’s no tv in my student hall and back home the TV is only for news

109: Been outside my home country?

Yep too many times tbh

110: Gotten my heart broken?

Unrequited love-wise yes

111: Been to a professional sports game?

Yes and spent the whole time reading (I was a kid and my mum couldn’t/didn’t find someone to babysit)

112: Broken a bone?

No, thank god

113: Cut myself?

Yes, trying to quit it

114: Been to prom?

Yep and I sang on stage too! 

115: Been in airplane?

Yep

116: Fly by helicopter?

No and not interested tbh

117: What concerts have I been to?

Waterparks, Avril Lavigne, All Time Low

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

Yes, quite a few times now

119: Learned another language?

Try multiple

120: Wore make up?

Yeah! Trying to do it more

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

No, too late for that now

122: Had oral sex?

No but I want to

123: Dyed my hair?

No but I want to

124: Voted in a presidential election?

No, HK doesn’t have presidential elections

125: Rode in an ambulance?

No

126: Had a surgery?

No

127: Met someone famous?

Famous in Hong Kong yes. Worldwide no. I’ve met the UoE principal though

edit: Iza reminded me that I’ve met both Courtney Act and Sasha Velour! 

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

Yes but not like…creepy. for drawing reference I’ve gone through a lot of people’s social media this morning lol

129: Peed outside?

When I was like 4

130: Been fishing?

Not that I can recall

131: Helped with charity?

Yeah

132: Been rejected by a crush?

No because I’m too much of a wimp to confess. Maybe a few years later

133: Broken a mirror?

Yep, the one I use to wear my contacts (when I used to wear contacts)

134: What do I want for birthday?

Sex and liposuction and a corset and maybe someone to love me and a full happy day with no depression or anxiety

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

I don’t want kids. But if I did have kids, here is a list of nice names: Gracie, Ljudmila, Nico, Agneta (this one sounds really fucking familiar but I don’t know why), Anthony, Selene, Kristoff, James

136: Was I named after anyone?

No. My Chinese name means to have manners and to be gentle lmao. My English name is literally just the first thing I blurted out when the teacher asked me for my name. Wednesday was a name I look after Wednesday Addams though.

137: Do I like my handwriting?

I hate my Chinese and English penmanship it looks like shit but my Cyrillic looks GREAT

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

Barbie, I had Genevieve from the 12 dancing princesses

139: Favourite Tv Show?

Drag race, b99, ASOUE, the good place

140: Where do I want to live when older?

In Edinburgh

141: Play any musical instrument?

The ukulele and I think I still remember a bit of guitar

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

Cutting. Most of my scars are from cutting. A few from childhood bruises

143: Favourite pizza toping?

Cheese

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

Sometimes

145: Am I afraid of heights?

all the time

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

A lot worse than sneaking out buddy

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Yeah 

148: What I’m really bad at

controlling my fucking feelings and not falling for peple

149: What my greatest achievments are

Sewing my prom dress, making an animation, juggling learning 3 languages (slowly) at once, surviving high school because honestly I didn’t think I’d make it to graduation

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

That bisexuality doesn’t exist

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

Depends on how much i win but assuming it’s a big amount of money, split it and donate a third to charity, give a third to my parents, split the rest of it in quarters and give three quarter to my dad for investments and spend the last quarter

152: What do I like about myself

I have pretty hair and nice tits and I can draw (not well but I can draw), and I have a bit of talent in learning languages and fashion design

153: My closest Tumblr friend

@samrull without a doubt

154: Something I fantasise about

My brain giving me a good yummy serotonin

155: Any question you’d like?

….anon you didn’t put a question (this happens every goddamn time i s2g)

Thanks for the ask though this kept me occupied for the good part of an hour :)

[illneverrecover]

curious minds

So I was tagged by @forever-ender who is a sweet cherub angel and my favorite Last Unicorn crack fic writer @zombolouge

Rules: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

Relationship status: Married to a real guy and also lots of fictional guys.

Lipstick or chapstick: Chapstick during work, lipstick during any other time.

Last Movie I Watched: Guardians of the Galaxy vol 2 WHICH I TOTALLY DIDN’T CRY AT OKAY??

Last Song You Listened To:  Konstantine by Something Corporate

Top 3 Shows: I am obsessed with so many shows that it’s hard to pick just a top three. Currently into  D. Gray-man (I need to finish watching Hallow!!), The Handmaid’s Tale, and American Gods.

Top 3 Characters: Once again, I have so many fictional children/boyfriends/husbands and Idk how to pick just three???? Roy Mustang, Lavi Bookman, & Saeyoung Choi were the first three to come to mind. And Masamune. And Riza Hawkeye. And Zen. And Yato. AND TIMCANPY. AND AND AND (see my problem) (I have no chill)

ZOMS SPECIAL QUESTIONS BC SHE’S EXTRA AF

Favorite form of caffeine: shot directly into my veins. But, outside of that - coffee. I’m currently obsessed with a dirty chai latte with almond milk and 3 shots of espresso. If not coffee, a white monster is my preference. 

Top 3 Games: Halo 3-5 will always hold a special place in my heart. Mystic Messenger bc I clearly have a problem. Annnnnnddd uh this is hard!! Fallout 4, probably. 

Top 3 Books: ZOM WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. Listen. I read a lot. Like, a lot a lot. It’s hard to pick a top 3. I’ll do top three series that I’ve read recently: A Court of Thorns and Roses series by Sarah J Maas, Six of Crows series by Leigh Bardugo, and The Raven Cycle series by Maggie Stiefvater.

Personal/Professional Hero: I’m a nurse, so there’s not really like... nurse heroes that you hear about??? Unless you count Florence Nightingale, I guess. A personal hero is also hard but I essentially look up to any woman who is going after what they want in life and aren’t apologizing for who they are. If you fall into that criteria, you’re a hero to me! Shout out to my mother in law, the lady authors I mentioned above (and the many other amazing lady authors I’ve met through tumblr and Mysme), and all my badass friends who are all GETTING. IT. Proud of you!

Ok, I think most of anyone I would tag in this has either done it already or has done it in the recent past, but @feelsgood-anon @victuuri-on-ice-is-gay @la-saffron @omgawkward @betyoucantfindmehaha @serensama @zens-ponytail @zenscrotch @darkheromind if you’re feeling froggy! 

[kindergarchy]

A tale for the time being by Ruth Ozeki

So what happened was that I staggered my way through Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walters (it got real….boring halfway through) and I brought the book to a bar where it got lost. So this book was next and I finished it last week. I liked it more than Beautiful Ruins, it reminded me of some nameless books I used to read in secondary school days? Mostly within the realm of coming-of-age narrative in first person peppered with surreal mini-adventures.

I probably liked the book less than I should, although it has elements that I missed/liked, including the topics of meditation, mental health, Schrodinger's cat, and reverse culture shock. And the way it is narrated too, which is mainly divided into the protagonist #1’s pov (in the form of diary) and protagonist #2’s pov (real-time, in third person). I realized that this division is at the core of the book hence is inseparable from it, but at the end I felt like it does it slightly more harm than good, the narratives turn choppy and there were parts my curiosity supposedly stimulated by the alternating povs was not substantial enough to carry on and switch to the other pov (really didn’t care about what happens to protagonist #2). Was it just due to the less-than-ideal pacing and momentums? Well for all I know this could be just my personal preference… Anyway the author Ruth Ozeki seems to be a cool lady, she’s a zen monk and all (always intrigued by monks who appear “normal” + live a city life) I was about to listen to her session with Brad Listi on Otherppl, maybe I should listen to that and give some update here after

Another interesting feature of this book is the footnote, I didn’t realize that the book was originally written in English until a few pages in, and I thought the footnote was written by a translator. When the footnote raised suspicions/questions whose answer can be found easily via modern means, it hit me that it was written by protagonist #2

I also liked the way the book starts off, seems very… self-aware in a way that moulds pretty well the thought process of a junior high school student’s. It does not omit the awkwardness (“Hi! My name is Nao, and I am a time being… Ugh. That was dumb. I’ll have to do better. I bet you’re wondering what kind of stupid girl would write words like that.”) and the lengthy explanation/justification for the existence of the record in the first place, the way you’ll probably feel when you post your thoughts publicly: You put a bit of yourself out there, and you have to, in a place where you’re not too sure whether there’s an audience in the first place (like here? should I feel awkward? lol nah). Nao’s confidence of the special audience’s existence however is uniquely strong in this case, which propels the book forward, giving her diary a conversational and eventually an “interactive” flavor as it goes

This book struck me as one that a Sophie’s World fan might enjoy? (A big ‘might’ bc I’ve never actually read the book lol). It leaves you a trail of philosophical nuggets and interesting riddles that are packaged in a lighthearted manner. Or ambiguous but plain-worded wisdom, which probably to a cynic’s eye won’t pass their bullshit litmus test, e.g.:

... there's the fact of her being a hundred and four years old. I keep saying that's her age, but actually I'm just guessing. We don't really know for sure how old she is, and she claims she doesn't remember, either. When you ask her, she says,

“Zuibun nagaku ikasarete itadaite orimasu ne.”*

--------------------------

* Zuibun nagaku ikasarete itadaite orimasu ne — "I have been alive for a very long time, haven't I?" Totally impossible to translate, but the nuance is something like: "I have been caused to live by the deep conditions of the universe to which I am humbly and deeply grateful. P. Arai calls it the "gratitude tense," and says the beauty of this grammatical construction is that "there is no finger pointed to a source." She also says, "It is impossible to feel angry when using this tense.”

The part where Nao starts to understand the essence of meditation intrigued me though, I liked how simple and explicit her conveyance is - in a few paragraphs she lays down the concrete steps and what might happen during the session - it was exactly the same as what I heard from headspace or Pema Chodron - and I started thinking how this now-familiar concept was pretty much unbeknownst to me when I was her age.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR ZAZEN First of all, you have to sit down, which you’re probably already doing. The traditional way is to sit on a zafu cushion on the floor with your legs crossed, but you can sit on a chair if you want to. The important thing is just to have good posture and not to slouch or lean on anything. Now you can put your hands in your lap and kind of stack them up, so that the back of your left hand is on the palm of your right hand, and your thumb tips come around and meet on top, making a little round circle. The place where your thumbs touch should line up with your bellybutton. Jiko says this way of holding your hands is called hokkai jo-in, and it symbolizes the whole cosmic universe, which you are holding on your lap like a great big beautiful egg. Next you just relax and hold really still and concentrate on your breathing. You don’t have to make a big deal about it. It’s not like you’re thinking about breathing, but you’re not not thinking about it either. It’s kind of like when you’re sitting on the beach and watching the waves lapping up on the sand or some little kids you don’t know playing in the distance. You’re just noticing everything that’s going on, both inside you and outside you, including your breathing and the kids and the waves and the sand. And that’s basically it. It sounds pretty simple, but when I first tried to do it, I got totally distracted by all my crazy thoughts and obsessions, and then my body started to itch and it felt like there were millipedes crawling all over me. When I explained this to Jiko, she told me to count my breaths like this: Breathe in, breathe out . . . one. Breathe in, breathe out . . . two. She said I should count like that up to ten, and when I got to ten, I could start over again at one. I’m like, no problem, Jiko! And I’m counting away, when some crazy revenge fantasy against my classmates or a nostalgic memory of Sunnyvale pops into my mind and totally hijacks my attention. As you’ve probably figured out by now, on account of the ADD, my mind is always chattering away like a monkey, and sometimes I can’t even count to three. Can you believe it? No wonder I couldn’t get into a decent high school. But the good news is that it doesn’t matter if you screw up zazen. Jiko says don’t even think of it as screwing up. She says it’s totally natural for a person’s mind to think because that’s what minds are supposed to do, so when your mind wanders and gets tangled up in crazy thoughts, you don’t have to freak out. It’s no big deal. You just notice it’s happened and drop it, like whatever, and start again from the beginning. One, two, three, etc. That’s all you have to do. It doesn’t seem like such a great thing, but Jiko is sure that if you do it every day, your mind will wake up and you will develop your SUPAPAWA—! I’ve been pretty diligent so far, and once you get the hang of it, it’s not so hard. What I like is that when you sit on your zafu (or even if you don’t happen to have a zafu handy, for example, if you’re on the train, or on your knees in the middle of a circle of kids who are punching you or getting ready to tear off your clothes . . . in other words no matter where you are) and you return your mind to zazen, it feels like coming home. Maybe this isn’t a big deal for you, because you’ve always had a home, but for me, who never had a home except for Sunnyvale, which I lost, it’s a very big deal. Zazen is better than a home. Zazen is a home that you can’t ever lose, and I keep doing it because I like that feeling, and I trust old Jiko, and it wouldn’t hurt for me to try to see the world a little more optimistically like she does.

Jiko also says that to do zazen is to enter time completely. I really like that. Here’s what old Zen Master Dōgen has to say about it: Think not-thinking. How do you think not-thinking? Nonthinking. This is the essential art of zazen. I guess it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you just sit down and do it. I’m not saying you have to. I’m just telling you what I think.

Overall I liked the book, I just thought there would be...more?

[flarebossmalva]

just for future reference and in case anyone was curious i’m going to explain what the hell i was on about re: some stuff in my writing tag

skipping things that are obvious or self-explanatory but if you’re puzzled by something i wrote and i didn’t explain it here then feel free to ask i guess

disgust - i thought of vomit immediately and then wrote about the last experience i had with a friend who was sick. i don’t actually remember which friend this was anymore. “you’re never going to die ever again” i’m not sure about but i think this may have been referring to how awful stomach sicknesses are and how they can literally be so bad they make you feel like you’re dying? that’s a guess

aether - thought of “ether” instead which is very volatile so that’s how i got onto the theme about exploding. i think the rest was just vague associations

pincushion - human pincushion. i guess someone who has bled out completely

aura - you know how they talk about people having colored auras? i just picked a color and went from there. don’t know what “i can taste it under my fingernails” means even remotely but if this is from when i worked in produce/floral i constantly had plant matter under my fingernails so maybe that. am reading “you look lovely, by the way. very fresh.” in GLaDOS’ voice for some reason and not sure if that was what i had in mind when i wrote it

mint leaves - catnip is in the mint family and some people says humans can get a mild high off smoking it

indie - this was about seeing mother mother live. the “he” is ryan

wind - probably masturbation but trying to explain the trip from point a to point b that i made here would get really complicated if i’m even recalling it correctly

lamp oil - amnesia: the dark descent. lamp oil is a resource in that game. player character hallucinates bugs and grinds his teeth when he spends too long in the dark

bombs - boss fight wheatley. the track that plays during that battle is called “bombs for throwing at you”

cucumber - i was thinking of items you could buy together at a supermarket that would disturb the cashier. a single cucumber, rope, and a paperback romance novel sends some interesting implications i think

columbia - no idea but one of my friends told me this is essentially the plot of bioshock infinite

kevin james - one of those paul blart mall cop memes involved the phrase “distant egg song!” and that’s what i was going off of

marigold - flowey

25-27 - since this looked like it was referring to three sequential questions on an askmeme i acted as though that’s what i was answering here. i don’t know why i chose the colors blue and orange; portals from the portal games are those colors but what with the other two responses in this post being undertale related i’m thinking maybe blue = sans and orange = papyrus

🙌 - reference to a (nsfw, i won’t link it) fanfic about sans smoking. i have a massive smoking kink so i think you can see why i’d find that emoji appropriate

syringe - this is a reference to a short story i wrote in high school. the association is that i think syringes were used to administer drugs to the protagonist

wine - almost positive there’s an audio log in the first bioshock game that’s a bit like this. even if there isn’t, there’s an area where a party has clearly gone down (lots of alcohol, splicers are dressed fancy) and that’s what it made me think of

glow - no idea

can of soda - i was thinking of a sprite can

amsterdam by imagine dragons - a song i don’t know; i used to be friends with this kid who was weirdly snobby about music and would condescend to me if i admitted to not knowing of a song or artist, so i wrote about that, kind of

apartments - “apartments are like cages” is a phrase that either i or someone else has used and i thought of that phrase and then i thought about cages and then i thought about johanna from sweeney todd and her one musical number

gold - this is about my paternal grandfather moving west as an adult. he didn’t move as part of the gold rush but that’s what i thought of first and then i thought about his moving to california so this was kind of a mix of the two concepts

sting - musical artist sting has got an album called brand new day and this was written thinking about the album art

lunar theatre - i’ve explained this one before but i wrote this while really sick around the time i first got diagnosed with lyme disease. i was sleeping most of the time and tired whenever i was awake. at the time i was also taking ativan (among other medications) and it made me very sleepy and out of it. the title comes from an art installation i saw once which basically looked like an artificial shoreline, which is where the ocean/water imagery comes from

tessellation - obvious maybe but repetition is part of the definition of the word

roses - james from team rocket, often carrying a rose

paris - this was a joke about egg hatching in pokemon x/y (the most efficient way to do it is to bike in circles repeatedly around the game’s version of the eiffel tower)

n - i feel like this is obvious too but it’s a joke about n harmonia from the 5th gen pokemon games

nature - i’m not sure how i got to talking about gelatin molds but have you seen some of the ones from the fifties and sixties? truly horrifying

berry - early on in x/y you’re put in charge of a berry field and then later you become champion (the league is at the top of a mountain). there are curtains in the champion’s room. idk i just thought about becoming champ and then abandoning the berry field since that’s basically what i did in-game

dogs - pretty literal, this is just my experience with pet dogs

q - this is a reference to a song from goddamn sesame street

teacup - malva has a butler, who presumably serves her tea sometimes. he battles you on her behalf once and his team is pretty powerful, but of course she’s elite four and would have him beat

guitar - at the time there were a lot of “wonderwall” memes that’s what i thought of

pine - pine trees, christmas trees, their lives are cut short but they get to dress up fancy for a few weeks, i don’t know

touch-me-not - fanfic i plotted out once but never actually finished writing. in it, bryony and celosia are using one of those remote-control vibrators (celosia was the one wearing it, and bryony had the remote, iirc) but if you remember team flare also used a remote to control the ultimate weapon and i loved the idea of getting the two remotes mixed up. all the higher-ups (save bryony and celosia, of course) are playing with the remote thinking it’s broken and trying to get it to work. meanwhile poor celosia is dying and the only one who notices is malva, who is the “she” in this piece, who deliberately starts messing with the remote to get a reaction out of bry + cel. i don’t remember how this fanfic was going to end but i think probably celosia would excuse herself to go to the bathroom (to, ahem, take care of herself) and malva would follow her in and then idk they’d fuck. listen i’ve had worse ideas

nightshade - i’m not sure how i got from the prompt to my fill but the fill is definitely about another fic i was working on involving a trainer who experiments on eevee trying to discover new eeveelutions

knives - my abuser had a “suicide attempt” (not really, he didn’t do anything except think about it, but that’s how he classed it iirc) where he planned on using a knife. also he wrote (bad) poetry once comparing me to a knife because idk i was mean for not wanting to fuck him probably

cake - it’s 2007 bro. memes bro. this was about portal bro

gameboy - self-explanatory i think but this was specifically a goof on ben drowned even though a lot of video game creepypasta start out this way

ruby - as in the pokemon game. this was about being a team magma grunt

cicada - i think this one is straightforward but in case it’s not, in my area you find dead cicadas all over the place in june

notebook - this was about harriet the spy

tree - based off of something that happened with me and my best friend when i was eleven or twelve

big ben - well, english clock towers... there’s a scene in a christmas carol where scrooge wakes up and hears the clock strike an hour it’s already struck and gets freaked and worries about the spirits coming to haunt him

cookie - i got a baby doll for christmas when i was a little kid and gave it to my younger sister bc she liked baby dolls and i didn’t. she named that doll cookie. this was general feels about being the Bad Child who Wasn’t Feminine

paint - straightforward again but this is about my parents’ house, the one we moved into when i was a young teen and where they still live with my little sister (and, currently, me). it was initially painted white and we repainted yellow a few years ago (i think after i had moved out to go to college). also that house still doesn’t feel like home to me in the same way our old house did

boots - god this is gonna take a lot of explaining but in the underland chronicles, second book, gregor (protagonist) is separated from his baby sister (nicknamed boots) after, iirc, the boat they’re in capsizes and they get washed into the nearby catacombs by the waves. he assumes she’s drowned since she’s a toddler and can’t swim. it’s basically his blue screen of death moment and he spends the next part of the book feeling totally dead inside, like a machine, no emotion no empathy. this scene fucked me up bad when i first read it aged about nine

freckles - i think this is obvious but just in case, this is about me (formerly) hating my freckles

egg - aforementioned fic about eevee experimentation was maybe going to involve unethical forced hatching of eevee eggs by cracking them open before they’re ready. i was basically thinking of every sick thing you could do to a pokemon to try and force an evolution

fairy - same fic. the protagonist has a shiny eevee that she gives special treatment and thinks is going to evolve into something special bc no evolution method she’s tried has worked on it. it was to be revealed later that her “special” eevee had actually just swallowed an everstone, and, immediately upon operating to remove said everstone, eevee evolved into sylveon

orange - as a small child i was allergic to oranges. the only memory i have of having an allergic reaction was breaking out in hives and going down our creaky old staircase, which felt big and intimidating to me as a little kid, to tell my parents about it

yuri - i thought of a favorite f/f pairing of mine, bryony/celosia, and in particular the scene that got me to ship it. in that scene, you battle celosia (who acts very woe-is-me upon being defeated) and bryony immediately springs to her (girl)friend’s defense

mitochondria - i learned the word from the sequel to a wrinkle in time, in which charles wallace gets really sick with some sort of mitochondrial disease and his older sister meg tries to save him by like astral projecting inside his mitochondria or something. god that book was weird

a gigantic rubber duck - when she was a baby someone gave my sister a gigantic rubber duck (which she adored, i think we still have it somewhere) and so this was about how i felt about having a new sibling

electricity - eevee fic again. rival character in the fic was an electric-type trainer. this was about the convention of trainers locking eyes and then battling

feverish - fevers as sex metaphor somehow??? i guess because fevers, like sex, often leave you sweaty. eleven was when i had my first wet dream and eighteen was when i listened to that “naegi with a fever” audio and got real gay

anger - metaphor again. i really did make a glass paperweight one time, on a class trip to a glass museum. my abuser and i were off-again with our friendship at the beginning of that trip and on-again by the end of it but there was still, i think, unresolved anger on both sides. that’s the association. i don’t know how to explain what i was thinking here beyond that

mosquitos - “petty annoyances” is just what i think of mosquitos and then i guess i just went from there. “bigger than i am but you know when to kneel” might have been my abuser again. he was, indeed, bigger than me but he got down on his knees begging me to be his friend again right at the end of things between us lol. honestly it was the most compelling thing he ever did

laundry basket - i thought about dirty laundry and then about worrying my clothes smelled dirty or that i smelled dirty and like, obsessively bathing because someone wanted to come over and have sex with me and i was just barely not a virgin at that point and had no idea what i was doing and was freaked out over the whole thing

cow - i took a year of spanish and for some reason the only thing i actually learned was how to say “where is the cow” and “the cow is here” which are not actually useful phrases in most contexts

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #82

“there’s a child out on the battlefield, a pistol in each hand.”

so, i’m guessing you’re single?   not anymore, no. would you ever date someone because of money?   fuck that shit. your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner, what do you do?   i'm going to be realistic.  first, i'd demand him and her both to fuck off.  don't move?  i'm fucking punching her teeth out. do you have a reason to smile right now?   i guess so, but i'm not. have you had sex today?   i never have. do you remember the last girl you texted?   my mom, yeah. are you stubborn?   oh you have no idea. has anyone called you perfect before?   yes, but they're wrong. where is the biggest scar on your body?   on my left shin.  i scratched the living shit out of it with my own nails because it was so itchy. have you ever been told you were amazing?   yes, and they're also wrong. would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?   HELL no. do you get irritated easily?   very, sadly. would you rather be a blonde or a brunette?   blonde, really.  easier to dye. have you ever had feelings for 2 people at the same time?   yes, i do right now. do you believe that leaving a significant other for someone else is ever a good idea?   i mean, it can be. if you found someone seemingly perfect for you, but it turned out they had a child… would you still give the relationship a chance?   not at this age.  literally the only situation in which i would do that is if it was jason. is it possible to ‘fall out of love’?   yeah. what happened last time you got drunk?   nothing, really.  i've never been smash-faced drunk.  the only time i've ever been drunk i was still pretty aware of what i was doing, which wasn't much. have you ever thrown up from drinking?   no, but i have thrown up from taking medicine like 15 minutes before drinking literally a sip of alcohol. do you find piercings attractive?   generally, yes. have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far?   i've been through enough to take down a lot of people, honestly. ever got suspended from school?   no. what would you do with a $10 bill you found on the ground?   if there's no source of identification around, i'm going to keep it. are you ticklish?   yes, mainly on my feet. have you taken someones virginity?   no. would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?   nope. who was the last person you danced with?   colleen.  can't decide if i miss her or not. do you tan in the nude?   i don't tan period. have you ever had the chicken pox?   i have not. have you ever been evicted?   yes. would you grow your own garden?   no.  i'd honestly be too lazy to take good care of it. do you know anyone who snores?   lots of people. when I say ‘foxy lady’ what comes to mind?   the jimi hendrix song. would you own a siamese cat?   sure, they're very cute. do you like deviled eggs?   NO. what is your favorite horror movie?   "blair witch project 2: book of shadows" have you ever seen a lunar eclipse?   yep. what is your favorite daft punk song?   i only know "technologic" what is your favorite type of museum?   ones with dinosaur fossils/skeletons. if you had children or do would you tell them the truth about santa claus?   eventually i'd tell them, but of course i'd raise them to believe in santa. what color are your slippers?   tan.  they're meerkats. ;3; which accents can you emulate pretty well?   i've been told i speak british so well that i sound native. are you more awkward talking to people in real life or online?   real life, absolutely.  i'm not half bad online. do you think you’ll ever manage to do everything you want to?   absolutely not. are you a good driver? if you can’t drive yet, do you think you’ll be good?   no.  i don't even have my license yet.  i go into total panic mode when i drive; i grip the wheel like i'm driving through the apocalypse.  i also have tremors, and also due to certain meds, idk if i can even get my license. what is/was your favorite thing about school?   seeing jason. have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything?   @ rhett&link/gmm, markiplier, silent hill, meerkats... i need to chill lmao. have you ever been to a protest?   no. are you afraid of the dark?   no. what comes up on your recommended list on youtube?   gmm videos, markiplier videos, metal music... what’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet?   we had this huge lab mix (pretty sure he was part great dane) that was technically my older sister's dog named harley for a while.  he was huge. what is something you like to have conversations about?   my fandoms bc i'm pathetic, deep, philosophical things, music... what is something unusual that annoys you?   walking in the out door and out the in. who is taller, you or your best friend?   i don't have a best friend anymore. which time zone do you live in?   eastern standard when was the first time you ever listened to your favorite music artist?   all seven?  well. ozzy osbourne: 6th grade, going through mom's cds metallica: ^ marilyn manson: ^ otep: i heard "ghostflowers" in a video and really like it, so looked up more of their music a day to remember: recommended videos, actually. cradle of filth: umm... iii feel like my first song by them was "tonight in flames," but i don't remember where i heard it. rammstein: i heard "waidmanns heil" on that one rock band game. have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours?   i have not. what is/was your favorite stuffed animal growing up!   a moose named brownie what is your state or country’s minimum wage?   $7.25.  pathetic, i know. what is your favorite constellation and why?   don't have a favorite. if you could have any hair style you wanted, what would it look like?   don't fucking judge me, but i sincerely and honestly love the big, emo swoop.  my hair is just so thick so it's like impossible to get it to work with me. can you play any instruments?   i played the flute for yeeeaaars, but like, i don't even remember most notes. what is your favorite topic in history class?   the holocaust name one dream that ruined your day when you woke up.   my dad raped me. would you like to marry whoever you’re seeing right now?   i don't know yet, we haven't been together long at all.  i'm not making that decision yet. do you prefer candles or incense?   incense do you eat candy corn?   ew, no. have your parents ever thought you were gay? what happened?   no. are your parents more liberal or conservative?   conservative. when was the last time you saw your best friend?   a few weeks ago when she essentially told me to get my shit and go. how many jobs have you ever had? (including things like babysitting)   two. if you’ve seen both, did you prefer the disney version or the tim burton version of alice in wonderland?   burton's version is actually my all-time favorite movie. what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?   you want me to be honest?  an unsuccessful photographer, probably.  hopefully married by then, but who knows. what was your favorite 90's show?   pokemon, motherfuckers. what is your favorite fruit?   strawberries how do you feel about oral?   it's just... really gross to me. what do you wish you didn't know?   many, many things.  but mainly, that some people just do not cherish love. favorite kind of chips?   flamin' hot cheetos has anyone ever told you that they wanted to marry you?   hm.  odd.  he's not around anymore. has anyone ever told you that you have a cute nose?   lol wut how many kids do you want?   at this point in my life, i don't even know if i want any to begin with.  if i do though, two is preferable. does anyone call you babe?   tyler does.  i don't exactly like it, but i don't think we're really close enough yet for me to be brave enough to tell him so. where does most of your family live?   well.  mom's family is in new york, dad's is in ohio and michigan, and my very immediate family (parents + immediate sisters) lives here in nc. have your parents ever smoked pot?   idk. rent a movie or go to movies?   go to the movies! do you know anyone who works at mcdonald’s?   not personally. where do your cousins live?   new york and ohio. do you like the all-american rejects?   not particularly. have you ever finished a whole video game?   plenty, yeah. which one of your friends has great music taste?   hmm.  i mean, a good number of them do. how do you feel about death?   it's a very scary, mysterious thing. do you have any cats?   not currently. do you believe in the underworld?   well, i believe in hell. what is your favorite flower?   tiger lilies have you ever been betrayed?   i have been betrayed. where do you think we go when we die?   heaven or hell.  i used to believe in purgatory, but that's a catholic thing. when was the last time you went to a funeral?   yeeeaaars ago. are you scared of cancer?   i mean... who isn't?  i don't readily worry about it, even though it looks like it may run in my family.  we've seen thyroid, breast, and kidney cancers. how many phobias do you have?   i only have three that i consider to be, by definition, "phobias," those three being whale sharks, dolls, and pregnancy. how many bisexual friends do you have?   two that i can think of off the top of my head. do your parents wear glasses?  mom does to drive and read, and dad does to read. when was the last time you threw up?   only like a week back.  i think my latuda makes me nauseous. do you have mental issues?   oh, you know, only chronic depression, general anxiety, social anxiety, ptsd, borderline personality disorder, and potentially avoidant personality disorder.  fun times, right? are you good at chemistry?  NOOOOOO do you have online friends?  alex, shay, jax, lona, mini, sam, alyssa, sammy, others... safe to say i have more online than "real" friends. do you like your handwriting?  i do. are you nosy?  very. have you ever been called emo?  yeah.  gonna be totally honest here, i don't pay attention to what the stereotype is anymore, but i probably am one lol. do you have a big nose?   no. how long has it been since you kissed someone?  well over a year. if someone was to ask you if you were okay right now, are you?  for once, sure. the last person you held hands with go to your school?  he did, we're both no longer in school. what person of the opposite sex makes you laugh most?   link neal and mark fischbach<3 do you have any medication you have to take every day?  latuda, lamictal, propanalol, birth control for period cramps... did you reject or accept your last friend request?  reject.  we had no mutual friends.  the fuck did you find me and what do you want. do you like pretzels?  the soft ones.  hard ones are eh. if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, how long have you been together?   like a week. do you look at older pictures and laugh?   no, i'm usually the one cringing. what was the first thing you ate today?   nothing yet but i currently hear bacon popping ahhhh~ have you ever tried lemon brownies?  no, sounds disgusting. have you ever been to hawaii?   no.  i have a cousin there though, actually. do you have a sister that steals your things?   no. what is your father’s middle name?  john do you think that you’re a good person?  i guess. are you on medication for anything?  bipolarity and anxiety.  i was on an anti-depressant, but apparently you're not supposed to do that if you have bipolarity. have you ever been a gymnast or a cheerleader?   ... i was a cheerleader when i was really little. are you irish?  yeah. do you know how to insert a tampon?   yeah are you ever afraid to be yourself?  only always. how many people have told you they were in love with you?   one or two. are you emotional?   too emotional. who is one person that you no longer hang out with? why did that association end?   colleen.  because essentially, she's a judgmental child in a 21-year-old body. who was the last person to endanger your life, whether it was accidentally or intentionally?   ummm.  idk. have you ever experienced an overly clinging boy-/girlfriend?   no. with which family member do you get along with the least? the best?   least, my grandma.  best, probably my dad. have you ever felt like someone abandoned you? if yes, explain?   i felt like my dad did for a few years, but jason absolutely did. what are some unfair stereotypes against women?   JUST SOME?!  well, above anything else, that we're less competent than men and are overall the weaker gender. how about against men?   that they're all insensitive pigs and that they must be logical at all times. who was the last person to make you feel like you mattered?   mom, i guess, for bringing me to debbie's so i wouldn't be home with nothing to do. do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes?   horizontal. can you name all 50 american states?   probably not. have you ever ridden a motorcycle?   no. have you ever needed stitches?   on my chin, yeah. have you ever been in a submarine?   no. do you think barbie is a negative role model for young girls?   in some ways, sure.  unrealistic expectations can be set. have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna?   hot tub, yeah.  i will absolutely never go in a sauna. do you believe there used to be dragons?   nope. who’s your favorite god from ancient history?   i'm not entirely sure. who was your first kiss?   jason have you ever carved a pumpkin?   a badass one, i must say. did you ever have a treehouse as a kid?   no. have you ever appeared on youtube?   ohhhh god. could you ever have an affair with a married person?   noooo. have you ever planted a tree?   yes.  an apple tree, i think. can you count your number of serious relationships on one hand?   one, so yes how about number of sexual partners?   again, one, so yeah. what’s your middle name?   marie.  my catholic middle name is catherine tho and i still use it because that's part of my upbringing, history, and making of who i am. do you have any siblings?   two immediate sisters, ashley and nicole, three half-sisters named misty, mary kathryn (katie), and tiffany (whom i've never met), and a half-brother named robert (bobby). do you care if people hate you for no reason?   i honestly kinda do. are you one of those people who gets jealous of boys/girls your current bf/gf dated?   nah.  their relationships ended for a reason, so why be jealous? your last ex runs up to you, kisses you, & tells you they want you back. you?   this is the first occasion in my life where i can honestly say i think i'd slap him, roll my eyes, and walk away. is it easy to make you cry?   painfully easy. what color is your hair naturally?   i was born dirty blonde, but it turned brown with age. are you afraid of heights?   in some situations, yes. have you ever laughed so hard you cried?   i do that VERY easily.  like, i SOB. do you find piercings attractive?   in general, sure. do you find tattoos attractive?   again, generally. do you curse in front of your parents?   with dad, i'm totally open.  mom, i generally don't say "fuck." do you like eating mashed potatoes?   no, i hate mashed potatoes. have you ever been called a bad influence?   no. have you ever been to disney world?   i have. do you ever play games on the computer?   i currently can't, because my gaming laptop currently has a fried psu or graphics card.  i used to play repeats of both the "amnesia" games (particularly the sequel), i'd occasionally progress in "outlast," and i regularly played "world of warcraft," which was very important to me for like two years.  i guess conditions have kinda forced me to quit, but i still vaguely keep up with what's going on in the game. do you and your significant other have a special song? what is it?   no. what if you found the last person you kissed, in bed with the last person you texted?   ... well that's a mess because that's a gay scene i couldn't even begin to concoct the last person you held hands with - have you ever kissed them?   on the cheek.  honestly because i felt pressured to. is there anything you would like to say to your most recent ex?   no.  i have literally nothing more to say. if your friends are sexually active but you aren’t, does that bother you? have you ever felt pressured to have sex before you were ready, because your friends had done it?   it doesn't bother me, no.  and i never felt pressured because my friends had done it, but rather by my age, i guess.  it's a very weak thought and honestly does not come often, so it's not much of a nuisance, but sometimes it is weird- not embarrassing, mind you- to admit "oh yeah i'm 21 and still a virgin despite having been in a very serious relationship." name 7 things that make you happy, and explain how it might affect you if you had to give them up.   oh god, seven?  that's a lot.  um.  well, writing it one; giving it up would be... kinda devastating, because i do it so much on a daily basis.  photography is another, and that would really fucking suck to give it up because i want to make a career out of that.  watching my favorite youtubers is a ginormous one, and tbh i'd rather die than have to lose that hobby.  um, i like gaming obvs, but i could give it up because i obviously have due to my computer issue and the fact my consoles are broken.  i don't enjoy not being able to do it, but i mean, i've survived.  i like drawing when i actually have inspiration... but i could also give it up because again, i pretty much have because i judge my work excessively, and i got tired of it.  i like exploring the outdoors/interesting areas, but i barely ever have the chance to even do this, so i mean, there's nothing to give up.  i enjoy fishing, but it's another thing i haven't done in actual years, so. what is your mom’s and dad’s favorite tv show?   i'm not sure... but both my parents really love "the big bang theory" when you were younger and misbehaved, what did your parents threaten you with?   mom would threaten to count to one, lmao.  i always assumed zero meant i'd get spanked. who has the biggest ego you know?   jason's best friend dillon. how would you react if your last ex wanted to get back together?   ugh. do you and your family go on a vacation ever year?   no. who was your most romantic moment with?   jason who does your most embarrassing moment involve?   also jason. does your dad swear?   yeah. when you like someone, do you picture what your children will look like?   well that's remotely creepy lol, no. do you know how to tap dance?   i know how to clog, and i mean, it's the same thing, just different shoes. are you craving any food right now? if so, what?   yeah, i want pizza. ;-; what’s your favorite flavor of skittles?   RED when was the last time you used oil pastels?   high school if pot was finally legalized where you live, what would you do?   quite honestly be mad because people are fucking stupid.  as if cigarettes weren't enough of an issue. how bad are your hangovers?   i've never had one. do you think taco bell is nasty?   well i don't like mexican, so... have you ever taken a break from facebook or other social media? why?   i haven't. who knows about your tumblr account?   only online friends. where did you and your current interest go on your first date?   to the movies + a pizza place. who was your high school sweetheart? are you still in contact?   jason, and no. were you popular or invisible in high school?   totally invisible. have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? what happened?   juan and jason had "issues."  jason at least seemed to have very little issue with him, but juan absolutely loathed jason.  despite not really showing dislike towards him, there was one occasion where circumstances had it where both jason and juan were at my house, and the fucking tension was unreal.  jason and i had been dating for around a year now, so i mean i loved him, but i wasn't impressed with him bringing up certain things between he and juan (they weren't exactly fond of each other before me due to someone they had both had relations with); jason clearly meant these things to not be aggressive or anything, but rather to just be nostalgic, but y'know... just don't.  he was perfectly aware juan didn't like him; don't bait the dude.  nothing actually went wrong, but ugh, that was stressful and the distaste they had for each other was obvious. have you ever had an experience that was not in keeping with the sexual orientation you currently identify with?   no. did you go to preschool?   yeah. do you know your blood type?   a-, i'm pretty sure. could you be a teacher?   nope.  no way in hell could i handle like 20-30 kids. quick! chinese or mexican food?   chinese, but i don't like much of either. how many significant others have you had in your WHOLE life?   only one was truly "significant," but i'm been in a relationship with three others. do you hate your ex?   no, i don't. have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?   yeah. what’s your fast food restaurant of choice?   bojangle's.  ya'll outside nc don't know what you're missing, lol. what did you and your ex fight about most?   the fact he was 110% logic and had no consideration to his emotions. are you embarrassed by any of the songs in your itunes?   ... it's why i don't let anyone else use it lmao do you like to swim?   it's the one exercise i enjoy, really. have you ever gone on vacation with your boyfriend/girlfriend?   no.  really wanted jason to come with us to the beach one year when we had a dance competition, but he couldn't take off work that many days. how slowly or quickly would you say you eat?   i'm a very fast eater.  i mean i'm not messy, i just eat quickly. what outfit makes you feel the most attractive?   ... none? when you think about marriage, what thoughts come up?   not much, honestly.  kinda hard to think of much when you don't have a belief on whom you're gonna marry. other than yourself, who knows you the best?   it's still probably jason, honestly. do you know anyone who has autism/asperger’s syndrome?   i do know someone with asperger's has anyone of the same sex ever hit on you?   kinda indirectly. are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not?   no, because i'm heterosexual. do you think boys look good in skinny jeans?   sure. do you think it’s okay for boys to dress like girls and vice versa?   sure. what went wrong in your previous relationship?   he didn't believe in me. if you’re in one, is anything wrong with it now?   no. how would you react to being cheated on?   nothing in regards to being hurt surprises me anymore. is drinking and smoking a dating deal-breaker for you?   i absolutely will not date someone who smokes, and if you drink more than seldomly, i'm not putting up with you, either.