#I am emotionally unavailable for the rest of my life

[basically-an-anime-stan-acct]

Honestly I should’ve seen this coming because anytime I IMMEDIATELY fall in love with a character… in any anime/manga they usually die. The only one who hasn’t that I immediately fell for is Levi.

List of a few favorites that have died

Tokyo Revengers-Baji died. Mitsuya died. Draken died. Mikey died. Chifuyu died. (Yes I know how it ends but still)

Attack On Titan-Eren died.

Naruto- Itachi died.

One Piece- Ace died.

Bungo Stray Dogs- Dazai died.

Jujutsu Kaisen- Gojo fucking Satoru died. Geto died. Nanamin died.

UPDATE: I forgot Demon Slayer

Rengoku died. Tokito died.

UPDATE: DAZAI IS NOT DEAD THANK THE ANIME/MANGA GODS

[basically-an-anime-stan-acct]

Couldn’t have said it any better myself. 🙏🏼🤍

I loved satoru back in 2020, loved him last year, loved him last month, loved him so much last wk, I loved him yesterday, loving him right now, I will love him tomorrow and I will definitely love him forever.

[one-fin-wonder]

Headcanons: Building a blanket fort with the Moon Boys (After finding out they've never built one before)

A/N: Hey so I've been stuck with being sick this past week and some of last week. So I've had literally no time to write coherently till 3 am this morning. I'm so sorry it's been a hot min since I uploaded. I really liked this concept tho! I found it when looking up date ideas for these headcanons.

Warnings: Fluff, Comfort, cute tooth rotting shit. Jake Lockely being a emotionally unavailable man, But also he has tears so. Don't worry you comfort him. No use of Y/N but it says "you" more often than typically in my writings. Established relationship, I also once again accidently wrote the most for Jake. Sorry, not sorry.

“You never what????” You stare at your boyfriend in shock and bewilderment. “I’ve never built a blanket fort.” He says back plainly with a shrug. You stand up abruptly and run to your shared ‘bedroom’ grabbing pillows and blankets running to the couch periodically to throw them down. “Come on,” you say as you grab his hand and drag him to help “we’re making a blanket fort *right now*”

Steven Grant:

Steven is so excited to get the chance to build a blanket fort with you 

He also is extremely happy that you want to do it with him, I mean how can he not be? You’re adorable with how excited you are to share this moment with him. 

He does what you ask, pinning blankets up over the loft and grabbing chairs to make into a cute little tent of blankets. 

"Love, that's so many blankets."

He fidgets with his hands as you make the fort

He's a little nervous because he's out of his element with this,

"Come on!" you'd tug him inside with a smile and he would gladly follow

He smiles once he’s sitting inside of it with you all the blankets and pillows placed carefully around you both as you settle into the bed 

“So this is what it’s like? It’s so comfortable” 

He has the plushies from the museum, I don't make the rules. (I say as I quite obviously make the rules)

He would gently hold you as you both talked while sitting in the fort you built together. 

Marc Spector:

he watches you very confused as to what is happening 

“I mean we didn't exactly have an ideal childhood..” 

you’d kindly stop what you were doing and hug him for a moment “I know, I know hon,” you’d say softly “now grab that blanket and follow me.”

He’d do as you’d say. Still very confused but willing to follow your lead 

“Y’know we’re going to have to refold all of these right?” He tells you as you unravel the fifth blanket to complete the fort 

You’d deadpan looking at him and he’d raise his hands in a fake surrender, 

He’d help you when you needed it but mostly he has no idea what to do.

He’s just standing there, he’s out of his element and he doesn’t know how to help. 

Marc said: 🧍‍♂️

Once you finish he looks at the fort then at you “soooo?”

You’d shove him towards the entrance (carefully of course.) 

He’d crawl into the small space and you’d follow suite 

He sits in the fort looking around at all the blankets and pillows you’d gathered for it 

“I already have a pidgeon in my life you know.” He’d say sarcastically at you nodding to the nest like interior and you’d stick your tongue out at him

He’d laugh as he pulls you close “thank you,” he’d say quietly 

“Of course,” you reply “you deserve the world. And also building forts is like the epitome of childhood.”

 You’d rest against him relaxing in the comfort of your newly made fort.  

He holds you close as you both chat away, cuddling till the sunsets. 

Jake Lockley:

You yank his blanket away and run to the bedroom and he starts cursing in Spanish 

“Oye! Bring that back! I was using it.” 

He’d then stop in the space between the small kitchen and Gus’ tank and the entrance to his bed as he watched you pulling blankets from every spot you could find them 

“The fuck you doin?” He’d ask as he puts his hands on his hips walking up to the edge of the bed slowly 

“Fort.” You’d respond shortly 

“The fucking hell does that mean??” This poor Spanish man has no clue what’s going on. 

He takes his hat off and scratches his head as he watches you utterly confused. 

I think Jake didn’t see much of any childhood, he doesn’t know what it’s like to have that whimsical imagination or the enjoyment of toys that the others did (even if their enjoyment was cut short they still experienced it a tad) 

This makes him not even aware of the benefits of a good fort. 

You’d pull the blankets up gently creating the perfect fort as you look back at him. 

“Que?” He’d look between you and the fort several times 

“Get in”

“You kidding me?” 

“Get. In.” You’d walk over dragging him by his hand 

“Jesus Christ! okay, okay!” He gets inside and immediately his eyes light up at the comfort 

You watch with a smile as he adjusts himself in the pillows and blankets 

Once he settled you get in beside him and bring a blanket over you both 

“You like it..?” You’d ask

“Si, gracias, mi amor,” (yes, thank you, my love.) 

You cuddle against him as you stare at the ceiling with him 

I wonder if he’d cry at the idea of having someone who loves him this deeply to share pieces of their childhood because he didn’t get an ideal one. And he can’t believe that he’s loved in this way. 

“Oh, baby..” you’d say wiping a stray tear away and kissing his cheek where it had been “it’s okay,” you’d whisper as you hold him close allowing him to express himself however he feels comfortable because this man is so emotionally cold that he probably has no clue how to express himself. 

“Gracias.. gracias desde el fondo de mi corazón, gracias” (thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you.)

[lemon-towne]

HOLDEN PREVIEW TIMEEEEUHHH

Okay so I’ve realized that I’ve never given yall anything else abt the Michael book (book? Idk maybe an online fic or smthn) other than the potential covers for it

Needles to say I felt bad and so to make it up to yall I’ll post a small snippet of a part in the actual story so here yall go <3333

(Be nice bookie this is a draft, a really rough one so don’t expect a whole lot.)

TW

___________________________________

“It seems as if you take the things I do for you, MY SON, for granted. Michael I just don’t understand, you’re right; I don’t. But you blatantly refuse to talk to me when you have a problem so how am I supposed to know if something is bothering you?”

She looks at me with a blank expression after that. . .expecting me to answer wrongly. As if I don’t know what I’m talking about.

As if I don’t know how I feel.

“Because you never bother to ask.”

I pause.

“I don’t tell you things because you never even bother to ask. When I do open up to you, you feel the need to tell me I have nothing to be upset over.”

I remain in the same place, just standing there. . .looking down at my mother.

“When I come to you, you lash out on me. You tell me to ‘Just be happy’ to ‘look on the bright side’ or better yet ‘I’ve been on this earth longer than you have, what do you know about the world? You’re still pretty young!’ Well I’m fucking sick of it. .”

The words come out like a flood, it feels like I can’t stop! I want to stop but I can’t, they just keep pouring out of me like river.

Like a damn that was finally broken. First a few drops. . .then a small stream. . .then the rest of the flood.

“You can’t keep telling me to cheer up when there isn’t anything to be happy over anymore ! Fuck man- when was the last time you have asked me ‘How was school today’ ?”

“Don’t you dare get smart with me! Don’t you think I try my best, Michael!?”

She’s screaming now.

“I try my best as a mother to provide you with a home, a bed, clothes to wear, food to eat ! I don’t get a fucking ‘thank you for any of it !”

“Yeah! Mum I think you blatantly forget, that is the bare fucking minimum that you are supposed to do for your child !”

. . . I scream back.

“Thank you for providing the things that I needed as a child ! The shit that I NEEDED, yes ! You could’ve been utterly fucking neglectful but Jesus for you to be emotionally unavailable is just as terrible !”

This was the first time, in a long time that I have seen my mother display such raw emotion. Her face. .i can’t even recognize her face now. It’s all scrunched up and red with anger. It looks as if steam is about to start shooting out of her ears as if she’s some sort of cartoon character.

“All of the sacrifices, all of the time, pain, energy- whatever! I gave up my entire LIFE to raise you as best as I can, your father and I working for hours ! Hardly being home to make sure YOU have a place to rest your head at night ! And you’re right! What the hell do you know about living ? Normally when teenagers complain about wanted to be treated like adults it’s because they ARE being treated as such ! You’re sad ! Okay ! I get it Michael but for fuck sake stop making it everyone else’s problem !”

I had already emotionally disconnected from this conversation. .i start to walk towards the front door, not even looking at Jane anymore.

“Oh where are you going now.”

She says, her voice starting to become quiet

“Out.”

“With whom ?”

“. . .”

“Michael Alex Holden. I know you hear me speaking to you.”

I do. But I don’t say a word. .i don’t say a word as I open the door and I remain silent as I leave the house.

———————————————————————————————————

womp womp hope u like it or wtv

[emilyssky]

Chapter 9: Burning Bridges

PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader

GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst

WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)

SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"

  "What?"

"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine.

 "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."  

"Get up!" Emma tries to pull the blanket away from my body but I grip it tighter.

"No."

She narrows her eyes, her lips turning into a thin line. She looks adorable. "Get up or I'm calling Chan."

Now it's my turn to narrow my eyes at her. "Low of you to threaten me like that."

"Low of you to stay locked in your room moping over his black cat wannabe best friend rejecting you." She fires back with a smirk on her lips, knowing that her words will get a rise out of me.

I throw the blanket away. "First of all, he didn't reject me, I just realized that nothing is going to happen because I keep going after emotionally unavailable and mentally damaged men." I cross my arms. "And second, don't bring Chan into this, he's not my dad. Now please, let me mourn my failed situationship in peace."

"No." She scoffs. "I will not let you be sad about a guy, let alone a guy that you had nothing with. Get yourself together."

I sigh, pressing my fingers to my temples. For the past 4 days, I haven't left my apartment at all. I get up with a horrible headache, I clean my room, I study, I drink my coffee, I watch Netflix, I take a shower and then I lay in my bed and read until I fall asleep, which rarely happens. So every night I stay up until 5 am, thinking and analyzing everything that's happening in my life right now. Things I could have done differently or how easier my life would be if I just give up on everything and move across the world, maybe to Paris or London. I could open a small cafe, pet friendly, and live the rest of my life peacefully.

"Look babe," She takes my hand in hers and gives me a soft, comforting look. "He feels something for you, he is interested in you but I really don't think that this is something that you wanna get involved in right now." I can tell that she's trying to be really careful with her words.

I frown. "What do you mean? Do you know something I don't?"

"No, no" She shakes her head. "It's just that-" she sighs. "Look I like Minho, I have nothing against him but there are a lot of red flags, and considering your last relationship I just don't wanna see you get involved in something that I can tell it's not gonna end well and it's gonna hurt you."

My heart tightens and for a moment, just for a second, I wanna tell her everything. I wanna let her know all of the secrets I've been keeping about myself and show her the real me. But that moment is gone as fast as it came, just like every time. I completely understand where she's coming from and she's right. I need to heal and I need people in my life that know what they want and don't play games with me.

I nod my head, lifting the sleeves of my hoodie to rub my face. "I know, you're right."

She scoots next to me, wrapping her arms around my body. "Just let it be and whatever happens, happens, but you and your emotions come first alright?" She nuzzles her small face in the crook of my neck.

I nod again, silently grateful for her. I honestly don't know what I would I've done without her by my side, every fucking day.  "I love you." I whisper to her and mean it.

                                                  *:･ﾟ✧ ⋆ ࣪.* ࣪

"You know, I really like Seungmin and I'm happy that you finally have a boyfriend but I've missed spreading time with you." I flip that pancake once more before stacking it on top of the rest. Emma cancelled her breakfast date with Seungmin to stay and spend the day with me, so I decided to make her breakfast. She loves pancakes. I used to love them too.

"They smell so good, oh my god." She groans above my shoulder, her face twitching with pleasure just from the scent that has now filled our small apartment.

"They're ready." I giggle, taking the plate in my hands. We make our short way to the living room and settle on the couch. While I was making the pancakes Emma made 2 coffees for both of us and cut up some fruit to go with the pancakes. She takes a seat beside me on the couch and immediately begins to assemble her plate. She spreads some Nutella before putting a few strawberries on top. I try not to look too much but I can feel my stomach growling at the sight. It has been ages since I've eaten pancakes and as I look at Emma, absolutely devouring her plate without any guilt whatsoever, the familiar feeling of jealousy starts to spread. Emma's a musical theater dancer and a really talented one. In the past year, she has also taken an interest in filmmaking but she is still a dancer nevertheless. She's a bit shorter than me, only about a few inches, and blessed with a naturally perfect body. She has never been told or needs really to go on any sort of diet, nor has she ever restricted her food choices. She, of course, tries to eat healthy just like all of us but in reality, she can eat anything she wants and not gain a single pound.

I drop my eyes. "I wish I could eat like you."

"You can." She sends me a glare.

Emma has been so supportive of me with my eating disorder and my mental health in general, but while living with another person can be helpful, it can also be really triggering at times. Seeing her have such a healthy relationship with food makes me envious but also motivates me to get through this and reach that point myself. It's just hard.

"Easier said than done."

"You're not going to be able to keep up with this much longer." She says with her mouth full.   "This isn't a joke, it's what we've been working on for so long. You need to take care of your body."

"Yeah I know, I'm trying." Is all I can say once again. She holds her gaze on me a little longer, letting me know that she's tired of hearing me say that. "Let's change the subject." I clear my throat.

She swallows her last bite and puts her plate on the coffee table before she crosses her arms across her chest with a knowing smile. "Fine, let's talk about Minho."

I roll my eyes. "Pass."

"You like him?"

"Not answering that." I take a sip of my coffee, to avoid eye contact.

"You like him." She repeats, this time as a statement.

"I don't." I feel myself getting defensive for some reason. "He just seemed...interesting."

Her smile grows. "You know that, that's the same thing right?"

My phone starts ringing from the kitchen counter and I let a breath out, thankful for whoever is calling. Hyunjin's name flashes across the screen.

"Hey. " I answer, returning to the couch.

"Hello, sunshine." He greets back.

Emma touches my arm. "Who is it?"

'Hyunjin' I mouth.

"How are you?" I ask him.

"Better? I guess..." He hesitantly says. "But I'm getting there. Thanks for coming yesterday, it meant a lot."

"It was nothing, you're one of my best friends." Hyunjin was really there for me last year so the least I can do is try to be there for him just as much. "And when you feel better, we can go and beat her ass and his together. " I joke, but low-key I would have no problem doing it.  Especially after finding out that it was one of Jackson's friends.

"We can do that after New Year's." He reminds me.

"Ah, yes." I bring my hand to my forehead. "I forgot about that."

"What?" Emma pulls my sleeve, trying to listen to our conversation. I hold my hand up in front of her, quietly telling her to wait at which she pouts.

"I'm gonna have to talk to him." He sighs.

"What?" My tone rises. "You?"

"Who else is gonna do it Y/n? Chan will beat the shit out of him, Felix won't even talk about it, and there's no way I'm asking Em." He sounds frustrated.

"We could just not go to that club you know," I state the obvious. "There are plenty of other clubs that we could go to."

"Yeah, but there are going to be live performances there Y/n." He whines.

Personally, I don't give a shit about the performances but everyone else wants to go and all the other clubs are going to be packed for sure, so it's gonna be hard for all 9 of us to get in.

"I could  talk to him." I offer. I would actually rather not see his face ever again but I know that the only way that we could get in is if I'm the one to talk to him.

"Absolutely no." He cuts me off sharply.

"Hyunjin-"

"No," He raises his tone. "There's no way I would let you voluntarily speak to that piece of shit after everything that happened plus you know that if Chan finds out he gonna kill you and then he's gonna kill me."

It pisses me off that everyone thinks that they have to protect my feelings so badly, I appreciate it but I've been through more than they know with him. "Do you want to get in the club or not?"

He stays silent for a few seconds. "I'll figure it out. Don't do anything stupid. I'll see you at the party." He says and hangs up.

"What party?" I question out loud.

"The farewell party Y/n, focus." She laughs, already making her 3rd pancake.

"It's happening at their frat this year?" The farewell party happens every 23rd of December for the students that are leaving for the holidays and it's also a way great way to celebrate the end of the semester. Both of the times I've experienced it are incredibly memorable.

"Yep. All of the guys are super excited."

I had totally forgotten about it. "Is Seungmin coming?" I hesitantly ask but she sees right through me.

"Yes, and the rest of the boys too."

Great.

.

.

.

.

.

I groan, turning to my right side for what feels like the 100th time. It's all I've been doing for the past hour, twisting and turning around my bed, unable to sleep. My conversation with Hyunjin keeps playing over and over in my mind, and can not seem to shake the feeling that something is gonna go wrong. I understand why Hyunjin doesn't think that I should be the one to talk to Jackson and I appreciate that he tries to protect me but I know Jackson. He's sneaky and revengeful and I'm not comfortable with any of my friends talking to him, especially asking for favors. Who knows what he'll say or ask in return? I know that I have to be the one to talk to him and If anyone can get him to let us in the club, it's gonna be me. It has to.

I push the covers away, leaving the comfort of my bed. I pull a pair of sweats over my bare legs and a black hoodie before stopping at my full-length mirror across my bed to quickly check myself a bit. I rub my hands over my eyes, trying to get them to look a bit more awake and less tired and I run a hand throw my tangled hair attempting to somewhat fix it but it's useless. I open my bedroom door as quietly as I can and tiptoe across the hall. There's no light coming  from Emma's door so she's probably sleeping. I put my shoes on, grab my jacket and walk out of the door trying not to make any noise.

The walk to his apartment is painfully familiar and a mix of feelings rushes through me as I make my way down the streets that a year we would walk together or I would run to get to his place as fast as I could, full of excitement to see him. I was a whole different person back then and the more I think about it the more I'm convinced that If I could speak to my past self I would definitely slap me. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by how I let myself be treated and stayed with him regardless, but the pain that he caused me changed me and looking back, I never wanna be that person again. I wanna bury the past and never have to think of it ever again, yet the memories haunt me still and the idea of what happened coming out scares me. That's why I'm now standing outside his door at 11: 46 p.m. I don't wanna be scared anymore, I want to let go of that part of myself. Minho was right, I was being weak and hiding not only from everyone else but from myself as well. I wanted to pretend that it never happened, hoping that by ignoring it, everything will go away. But everything stayed with me and ate me alive for a whole year. I need this to stop. I knock at his door twice and take a step back. The nail of my index finger scratches repeatedly the side of my thumb and my leg bunches up and down as I try to control my nerves. I haven't faced him in so long, not like this at least. I have occasionally seen him around campus, or at parties where he would approach me, but it would never be for long, someone would appear or I would leave. Now I'm the one that's coming to him.  I hear noises behind the door and I take a deep breath, preparing myself.

He freezes, and his eyes widen slightly, only for a few seconds. He leans against the doorway and crosses his arms. I tighten the muscles in my jaw, not wanting my face or eyes to give out any emotion.

"I have to admit; I missed the sight of you standing in my doorway." He speaks softly. He looks like he was about to go to bed, with loose gray sweatpants hanging low on his hips and nothing to cover his well-toned upper body.

I keep my eyes on his face. "I wanna talk."

He lifts an eyebrow. "Now you wanna talk? I've been up your ass for a year." I cross my own arms as he lets his eyes travel down my body. "What do you want Y/n?"

"Can I come in?" I ask, ignoring his question.

His eyes spark and he pushes his bottom lip outwards, shrugging. He steps to the side, allowing me access to his living room that I know too well. I take a few steps into the room and study the place with my eyes. Everything looks the same, exactly as I left them. I remember the last night I was here, it was about a week before I went over to the frat house where most of his friends were staying, and ironically enough it was also where we first met back in my first year of college. We started casually hooking up until it became an everyday thing. Until he started staying the night, until we started talking after sex, until the pet names started and the dates off campus. Everyone knew we were hooking up but none knew what our actual relationship was. I never truly understood his need to keep us a secret but every fight about it would never end up changing the situation whatsoever. I don't know when the sweet moments turned into yelling, fighting, and crying. It was small things at first that my mind would not think much about, the small pushes, the slamming into walls, and breaking things near me out of anger. He was a lot, an extremely emotional person that never learned to deal with his emotions. A lot of times it felt like he just needed a person by his side to unleash all of the things that he grew up burying and most of the time I was that person. Half of our fight started from him, and my constant desire to understand him and be closer to him. But then again one thing I do best is romanticizing things. People, feelings, situations in general, everything. The moment that the realization of our situation finally sunk in was after a little more than half a year into the relationship after yet another party. I could feel his fingers on my neck for days after, his alcohol-filled breath fanning my face, and the sharp pain of the brick wall at the back of my head from the force that he pushed me to it, and everything went downhill from then and the next 2 months things started to change. He would beg and he would promise and things would be good until something would happen again.  One night I had enough, I loved him but I couldn't take it anymore, so I went over to the frat knowing that that was where he was, and left with my heart ripped out of my chest. A bet. A joke. A girl he pretended to not give a shit about in public but promised the world in private. I was broken.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I hear him offering, as he closes the door.

I shake my head, keeping my arms crossed as I make my way to his couch and sit down. He follows me taking a seat next to me, leaving some space between us. He stares at my face, studying me as if he hasn't seen me in ages and honestly, I let myself do the same. As much as I hate to admit it, he looks as handsome as ever.

"You wanted to talk." He breaks the silence, stating.

My mind snaps back, trying to focus on all of the things I wanted to say to him, but I say nothing, my mind goes blank.

"You wanted to talk about us?" He presses, in a tone that makes me think that he's hoping I say yes but I shake my head.

"I wanted to ask you about something." I keep my voice steady.

He breaks into a silent laugh, throwing his head back. "I've been begging you to let me explain for months and now you show up at my door to ask me a favor?"

My eyes leave his face, his words shaking my confidence, and I feel myself regretting my decision of coming here tonight.

"Save it, " He continues, waving me off with his head. "I know what you want, one of your dogs already asked me."

My eyebrows come together."What?"

He rolls his eyes, getting impatient. "Hyunjin." He clarifies. "He asked me this afternoon."

Damn him and his stubborn ass.

"Jackson-"

"Are you with someone?" His question catches me off guard. "Have you moved on?"

"Yes." I lie, loud and clear even though I haven't touched a single soul after him. Only flirted with people out of desperation to forget him and boredom but nothing more. His shoulders drop a little like he wasn't expecting my answer, and confidence sparks inside me. I'm not used to having the upper hand with him.

"I can't." He says.

A bitter laugh escapes me. "Bullshit. Not that I care anymore but I know for a fact that you fucked your way through campus ever since we broke up."

"I'm trying." His hands come up to his face and slide down his hair. "I've been trying but none feels like you." He moves closer in a sudden, swift movement, and my body jerks back out of instinct.

"Don't come near me." My hand lifts in front of my face, my heart begins to raise and my mask starts to crumble yet he seems unfazed. He grabs my hand, lowering it and pulling me by it closer to him.

"Y/n, you know me, please." His eyes beg. "I know I hurt you, I know and I'm so fucking sorry." His face starts to shift and emotion takes over his expression. "But baby, I miss you. I need you back. I fucked this up but you were my rock and I want you back. Sometimes my anger takes over me and I'm working on it, I really am, but I need you to know that I never wanted to hurt." He lifts his other hand to the side of my face, his thumb creasing over my cheekbone.

I stay still, keeping my eyes as emotionless as I possibly can even though my heart is aching at his words. And maybe if this had happened a few months ago, I would have given in to him in a second but I'm not the scared, easily manipulated little girl he knew anymore.

"No." I shake my head. "I wasn't your rock, I was your punching bag." I spit, moving away from his grip. "You abused me." My heart tightens as the words leave my mouth. "You wanted someone to be there for you and accept all your shit. That's not love."

His face absolutely drops at my words. "No, no." He shakes his head repeatedly. "It wasn't like that."

I silently curse myself as I feel the familiar sting in my chest. "It's over." My words make him freeze. "That's why I came here. I've been torturing myself with this for so long and I wanna let it go. " I inhale through my nose. "I was naive and I mistook what we had for love, You abused me in every way possible. You don't manipulate or hit or fuck over the people you love Jackson." My eyes fall hard on his face, wanting to make sure that my words hurt him as much as possible but the pain only reaches his eyes. The rest of his face stays still like a statue.

"You're not thinking straight right now." His eyes narrow. "It's that fucker from the party, right? He got in your head. Does he know about us?"

"None knows." I immediately answer, realizing that he's talking about Minho. "I promised you that none will find out. And I kept that promise."

"Who is he?" His focus stays on Minho.

"None important." I lie for the second time. I know Jackson, he's an incredibly jealous person and he can go to great lengths when he wants something. I don't want Minho getting involved in this.

I can tell by his expression that he doesn't believe me. "Look, I just wanted to say this so that I can finally close this chapter. None knows and I don't want anyone to ever find out either." I remind him. He knows damn well what kind of damage something like that will do to his reputation and most importantly to his career if it comes out. I think that's the only reason why he agreed to not say anything as well.

"Baby-" His hand touches my knee and I put my own hand over his to stop it.

"I don't forgive you." I softly say. "I can't. I have to respect myself and move on. I understand you, and I wanted to help you but I'm done." I pull his hand away.

"I will not stop and you know it. I'll do everything to get you back." He gets up, his body towering over me in my seated position. "You'll come back, you'll see. You always do." He kneels slightly, his face coming right in front of mine. I hold my breath, steeling my muscles and tightening my jaw. His fingers brush my cheek lightly as they make their way down to my neck, griping it before I have the chance to pull away. My hands turn into fists on my knees.

He presses his lips to my temple. "And I'll make sure he knows that." He whispers. He plants one last soft kiss on my forehead and lets me go. He turns around and walks towards the hall while I stay frozen in my seat.

He stops near the door. "You can tell your little friend group that they can come to the club under one condition." He doesn't wait for me to ask before clarifying, looking at me over his shoulder. "You stick with me. You stay at my table the whole night. Under my arm. Your friends and your boy toy can watch you from afar." He lifts both of his eyebrows, in a challenging way keeping the muscles of his jaw tight. "See yourself out." He says and disappears down the hall.

.

.

.

.

.

It's been 2 days since I talked to Jackson and 3 days until Christmas. I haven't seen or talked to anyone since that night. Emma has been trying her best to brighten my mood in any way possible but in all honestly I just need some space, I need to be alone. Alone to think and put everything in order in my head. I thought I was strong enough to deal with this, ready to face it, to face him, but I was wrong. It was too much, more than I could handle emotionally, and definitely not a good idea. God, I should have listened to Hyunjin and kept myself out of this. Now not only did I fucked up our chances of going to that stupid club but I also targeted Minho for him. I haven't seen him since he dropped me off almost a week ago but I'll be lying if I said that I haven't been thinking about him, cause I have. Every day since then. More than I should. The sure thing is that he doesn't want anything to do with me and as much as it bothers me the last thing I wanna do is get him involved in my personal problems. Again. Emma is out on a date with Seungmin, she wanted to cancel and stay home with me but there's no chance in hell that I would let her do that. She's already done so much in the past few days that she owns it to herself to have fun with her boyfriend. On the other hand, I am sinking further on the couch with a half-empty glass of red wine, watching the second season of The Vampire Diaries for probably the 20th time. I snuggle under my blanket, feeling so comfortable that I could stay like this forever. But sadly, that's not the case cause the sound of the doorbell followed by a loud banging on the door makes me groan so loud that I hope the person outside the door thinks I'm a dog and leaves. The banging continues, getting louder by the second. Who could be banging at my door so aggressively at 11 p.m. on a Thursday night? I lift myself off the couch but my legs start to slow down as the possibility of Jackson being the person standing on the other side of my door runs through my mind and my hand stops at the door nob. Another loud bang makes me flinch backwards and snaps me back to reality. I shake the thought off my head and open the door.

My eyes lock with his and a small gasp leaves my lips at how close he's standing, leaning in with both hands resting on the doorway. He keeps his head low, his dark eyes full of anger shooting up as we come face to face. A few seconds of silence pass as neither of us speaks. I don't even dare to breathe properly.

"As I was walking here I was trying to decide whether is it that you have a death wish or that you're simply stupid."

I blankly stare at him, my mind not working, unable to process what I'm seeing. He was definitely the last person I was expecting to see right now. He moves his head, kinda like he's nodding impatiently, expecting me to say something and I realize that my mouth has fallen slightly open.

"Like," Minho lets out a sharp, breathy laugh. "You're really fucking testing me right now."

I silently take him in, and a weird feeling rushes through me. Weird but in a good way, kinda like my eyes have missed the sight of him. It seems like my silence begins to annoy him cause his grip on the doorway visibly tightens. I notice the redness that covers his nose and cheeks and his slightly damp hair. Is it raining? Did he walk all the way here?

"What are you doing here?" I finally find my voice, stuttering a little. "What are you talking about?"

He doesn't answer, instead, he pushes past me, knocking me with his shoulder and entering the living room, not expecting any kind of permission.

"Sure, come in. " I mumble closing the door.

His thick boots make a squeaky sound as he paces around the living room, just like he did the first time I saw him, and that time I found him practicing at the studio. From the little experience I have with him, I know it means that he's possibly upset. "Well?"

He stops to face me. "I was at the frat, I went to see Chan." His voice is low and steady and his eyes are so focused on mine as if he's waiting to catch any reaction to his words. But even though my nerves are growing by the second, I tighten the muscles on my face, keeping it still.

"And?" I cross my arms.

"We were casually chatting until a very, very disturbing call interrupted us." He continues, slowly building his story. My stomach tightens, having an idea where this is going and silently praying that I'm wrong.

"Hyunjin told you to stay out of it." He spits through his teeth and I feel like a huge weight has fallen on me out of nowhere, forcing my shoulders to slouch. Shortly after I left Jackson's apartment I realized just how unhelpful what I had done was, it only provoked him more, and now he's gonna make it everybody's problem.

"Look I just-"

"How-" He raises his voice, shutting me up immediately but stops and pinches the bridge of his nose instead, giving himself a few seconds. "How, in your mind, did it make sense for you to go and talk to him?" He says in a lower tone.

"What did he say to Hyunjin? Does Chan know?" I ask instead.

"That's what you care about?" He clenches his teeth.

This is the last thing that I expected to happen. Minho finding out and showing up at my door wasn't one of the possible ways this could've gone and my stomach actually turns to the idea that Jackson said anything to Hyunjin or Chan. Then again neither of them has called or texted me about it, which is odd if they actually do know anything.

"Actually yeah. " I'm careful with my words and tone. "I can take care of myself, I don't need any of you to worry about me or take care of me. And let's be honest, I was the only one that could convince him to let us in that club."

"Oh, 'cause he cares about you so much right?" His laugh is dripping with irony. "Cause if you were the one to him he would do as you pleased 'cause you're so fucking special to him right?" His cruel words shake me. "Oh my god, get over yourself Y/n. He fucking abused you for months. He doesn't give a shit about you." His laugh is gone and he lets his anger take over. "And you think it's okay for you to go to him, to his fucking place alone to talk about a stupid club?" He throws his hands in the air.

My hands turn into fists and I take a step towards him. "And what was I supposed to do huh?" I yell back. "Let Hyunjin or Chan go talk to him and risk Jackson saying anything to them?"

"Why it's so important to keep it a secret?" His eyes search mine.

"Cause I want to! " My vision begins to get blurry as the words rip through my throat. "I don't want anyone to know."

He takes a step as well, getting into my face. " Well, I do. I know." His chest rises and falls intensely as he tries to calm himself. "And don't expect me to sit here and let you go anywhere near that piece of shit." His face is hard and his eyes completely dark, looking down at me. "No fucking way." He shakes his head.

I feel shivers dancing down my spine from his words, and I bite my lip instinctively. His eyes drop to my mouth for a second.  "I'm not your responsibility." I find my voice again. Even though his protectiveness makes my stomach tighten in the best way possible, I'm tired of relying on other people. I wanna be strong enough to support myself. "And you shouldn't care what I do or don't do."

His lips form a thin line. "You're not going to the club with him and you're not going near him ever again."

Is that what he said to Hyunjin on the phone? That we're only allowed to come if I go with him?

"Is that what you care about? You want to make sure that I won't crawl back to him?" I straighten my back. Does he actually think I'm so weak that I'll run back to him?

"Wil you?" He fires back in a second and my heart actually tightens. For some reason, I truly thought that he would be the one to understand. His past is so similar to mine that I thought that he would actually see me and not think of me like everyone would if they knew the truth. Clearly, I was wrong.

I can feel my face falling, all my muscles loosen, my body and mind somehow defeated by the way he's looking at me right now. "Do you care about me?" I ask the question that has been burning inside my mind for days and hold his questioning gaze, hoping to see any sort of shift or emotion in it. Something to confirm that, there is something. Anything. That it's not just me that feels this way toward him. I need a sign cause I know that there's no way he's actually gonna tell me the truth.

"Do you?" I ask again cause he says nothing. "Cause if you don't then, get out." I point out the door. "You made it pretty clear that you don't want anything from me, so why are you showing up at my door acting like this?" He stays silent, frozen almost with his jaw locked and his eyebrows frowned, only his eyes moving and following my fanatic movements as my anger builds. "You're just like every other dude, you want the validation of me running behind you." I move right into his face. "You don't care, you just wanna play with me. And I won't give you the satisfaction."

His jaw clenches and his eyes twitch with anger. He leans in, dangerously close but I hold my ground. I keep my eyes on his clouded ones, my chin facing upwards, suppressing how intimidated I actually am by how sharply he exhales through his nose and how his fingers clench and unclench into fists. His nose almost touches mine and I try to stop my eyes from flickering to his lips. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about." He says through his teeth, almost growling.

"Then prove me wrong." I challenge him. I wanna push him. I want him to tell me that he cares.

He makes a harsh sound and his hand comes to wrap around my neck. His grip is loose yet strong enough to make my heartbeat rise. "Why are you doing this?"

"Cause you're full of shit." I keep my tone strong and steady. "And you think you have a saying to what I can and can't do. You're nothing to me." My lips begin to form a small smirk.

"I'm nothing to you?" His grip tightens slightly, and I look at him through my lashes. His tongue comes out to wet his lips, drawing my attention.

"Yes." I breathe out.

He chuckles lightly and backs me out until my back hits the door. His free hand comes up next to my head to rest on the door.

God, please kiss me.

"Let me make myself really, really clear here okay angel?" Each word comes out breathy on my lips, light and smooth but powerful enough to make my thighs come together. "I don't wanna hear, or see or know that you came in contact with him in any way humanly possible unless it involves the domestic violence department of the police and I want him as far away from you as possible. This is not me being possessive about something that's not mine, this is me being protective about something I want safe."

Tell me you care. Say it.

His eyes search mine as if he's trying to see if his response is enough.

"I'm trying to keep my distance but it's really hard to do that when you're pulling shit like this." His thumb comes up to my chin while his other fingers stay wrapped around my neck.

"Why?" I whisper. Why is he holding back?

He shakes his head. "Cause I can't. I can't." He closes his eyes for a second, collecting himself. "I don't want to. "

"Talk to me." My voice comes out almost like a whine. "I don't understand you."

He takes a breath, his lips brushing mine, and my body freezes. He toys around a bit, brushing our noses together until his lips fall to mine lightly, almost like a peck. Like a ghost of a kiss, a light brush of softness. He pulls away to look at me and I can see the hesitation in his eyes, so I lean in, silently telling him to continue but he doesn't. He doesn't cause my phone begins to ring and it's almost like it snaps him back to reality. His hand drops from my neck and his gaze falls to the ground. His other hand stays next to my head, that I lightly bang against the door, annoyed. I pull my phone out of my pocket, seeing Jackson's name across the screen. I look at Minho. His eyebrows frown, and a questioning expression paints his face as he leans in to look at my screen. His expression hardens immediately and he reaches to grab the phone from my hand.

I pull away. "No."

"Give me the phone, I'll talk to him." He demands.

"No," I say again and hang up. "I don't wanna provoke him."

"What will he do?" He narrows his eyes.

"You don't know him." I shake my head.

He throws his head back, groaning. "Here we go again. Running in fucking circles."

"Minho, this is not your problem." I sternly say. It's not Chan's or Hyunjin's or anyone's. And I hate it whenever anyone else gets involved. I have to do this for myself.  " I'll deal with this on my own."

"I want-"

"I know." I groan, cutting him off. "But you don't have to. And you don't have to feel the need to just because of your past. I'm not you mo-" I stop myself, my eyes slightly widening realizing what I was about to say. He stiffens completely and his expression goes dark. Absolutely dark, to the point that a hint of fear sparks inside me at the sight and I wanna take back everything I said to erase it from his face. He removes his hand from the door and opens it, pushing me to the side as he does, in silence.

"Minho." I try to touch his hand but he pulls away. He doesn't spare me a single glance as he exits the apartment. I don't follow him, I let him leave.

[yappersparadise]

I'm finding it really hard to keep friends at the moment. I stopped speaking to my qpp, I'd cut all my friends off before now anyway. I'm so lonely but it's my fault so I don't know if I can even complain. I don't know.. I'm emotionally stunted and generally unavailable. I'm unreliable. I'm short tempered and I'm slowly learning that more than anything else, nobody will ever accept me. I'm a horrible monster in most peoples eyes and I'm starting to believe it. I hurt people, emotionally. I'm a wreck and it effects other people so why drag them into it. There is no fixing me, nobody is going to be my savior. I have to do it myself or live the rest of my life alone

I guess I could find a transharmed to hang out with, someone that would genuinely be okay with how disgusting and unstable I am. But they don't exist outside of the rqc. Whatever. I can always write it into my make believe little cope-story. I am pathetic and I hate myself

[caveiratimida]

That moment of Ellie fiddling with her hidden gun in the bathroom reminded me a lot of that famous scene of Taxi Driver with Robert De Niro. I really felt like at that moment Ellie was trying to hype herself up in case she had to do something as teenagers do. Like trying to face this ruthless world with false bravado even though it is all she has known. That was the first crack in my internal dam of emotions.

Honestly, the fact Joel had to really siphon gasoline from other cars was such a nice detail of world-building, and then struggling to explain to Ellie the science for it was FANTASTIC. I really like how it's those little tidbits of a supposed-to-know-it adult with a child full of curiosities where we see their bond flourish, they question each other...

Naturally, the joke book and the magazine scenes from the game put a face-splitting grin on my face. The magazine was expected but I lost it in Ellie's joke book.

Them trying to rest in the forest without fire was such *chef's kiss*! An awkward night on the road. Before the end of the world, it would have been a nice bonding trip. Just the two of them with really no other reminders of people. No Bill and Frank's house with so many things to distract them from getting to bond with each other and no Tess to be the bridge in case they clashed. No comforts so to speak and just two emotionally raw souls. Who find a connection through the most shitty puns which is then the biggest factor that allows them to shed some of their emotional unavailability for the both of them. It was two-sided, Joel went along with it, Joel knew the pun and you can bet he probably told it to Sarah before!!

The fact that Joel stayed awake to make sure it was safe like he had told Ellie. Ellie despite being a girl who saw too much for her age still being fascinated by things such as the goddamn coffee (;﹏;)

The opposites of a hardened pessimist and a hopeful optimist is so nice. You really get the idea that at the heart of it, the show is about hope. In all it's stages. I adored the vulnerability of Joel admitting that whilst what he had was jumbled up and haphazard with Tommy, Tess, Bill and Frank, it was his and it was somewhat good.

I am a sucker for that childish reluctance of "I'm so not tired" of Ellies's to then fall asleep it was so intimate and also showed that she trusts Joel to have her back. IT IS THESE SMALL GODDAMN DETAILS. To then really have them butt heads about directions just as people do.

The sheer rawness with which Joel tells Ellie that the people won't hurt her in any way was just UFF. That entire scene where Ellie shoots that young raider to save Joel's life. Personally, it was extra cruel in my mind that she didn't kill him because that really showed her people in all their survival. He was a mess; he let go of any pretenses and begged for his mother. For me, it was implied she had to shoot Riley, but Riley I imagine was ready for it, she didn't have these final moments of desperation like this man did. Joel killing him away from her was a small mercy, and it makes their whole later discussions about the cruelness of their current world and that Ellie shouldn't have to do or deal with any of it extra heartbreaking.

I ADORE the telling of time and age with Joel in everything he does. the steps, the hearing, the less immediate reactions of his. IT IS SO NICE TO SEE AGE AND ITS FLAWS/BENEFITS ON SCREEN. It only adds to how Ellie and Joel really balance each other out in the sense of survival.

Right, look all the mentioned above produced tiny cracks, and like everyone else I am guessing - I lost it at Ellie and Joel in the middle of all the heaviness finding THE MOMENT. Seeing them carefree and just laughing TOGETHER and WITH EACH OTHER fucking broke me. It reminded me of what the creators of the game mentioned ages ago how Ellie was the first one to make Joel laugh in a long, long time. At that moment everything overcame me with such a strong feeling. And I didn't know what it was until now, I recognise it as hope. What makes seeing them laughing in this shitty skyscraper so ridiculously wholesome is hope. It was a different intensity than the usual survival. It was the same intensity of hope that we felt with Bill and Frank.

Lastly, I am so intrigued about where they will take this with Kathleen and the people in Kansas City honestly. Especially with Henry and Sam.

THESE ARE ALL MY THOUGHTS FROM WATCHING THE EPISODE THIS MORNING!!!

[ruminate88]

I decided to read old diary post on Facebook

I use to post when I was with Andrew and it was soooo sad. 🥺💔 There was a few “happy post” where I thought I was so in love but all the rest of the post are just so sad and depressing! I was so in the dark and confused with Andrew. The way the relationship was so one-sided and Andrew would never open up very deep to me. I said in my post “I’m an expressive person and Andrew isn’t” NEVER knowing he was “emotionally unavailable”. I shouldn’t read those old diary post anymore because they break my heart again. I just cry reading them because I know now Andrew was abusing me with his one minute being all over me obsessive and then his going no contact for days… In my old post, I was soooo torn over his behavior! I had no idea what was going on!!!!! I was super depressed too and lonely. Being with Andrew was the most cold and loneliest place to be. 🥶🥺💔 I just didn’t understand it then like I do now. Andrew can never come back to apologize or give me clear answers to his intentions and to what was real or fake.

I’m married now to a nice man, I should be finding solace in him but I don’t let myself. I feel uncomfortable and so I put up this wall from everyone close to me. I just want everyone to leave me alone and let me deal with this but it’s painful. Am I even healing? I mean, you don’t always feel healing happening but doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress!!

ANNDDDRREEEEEEWWW 😭😭💔 I don’t care how much time has gone by, you still keep breaking my heart. You make me so sad! I keep trying to forgive you and release you from my soul, mind and heart. I can live my life without you. You’re not even the person I thought you were. You wore a mask and I don’t know the real you!!!! So sad 😭😭��� but then I feel this “longing” so strong what does it mean????? Why can’t I just stop thinking about you and feeling like you’re still a part of who I am??? You don’t get to control me or choose my worth. You don’t get to hurt me anymore. You are powerless!!!! I am strong, a good girl with so much love to give and you lost that. You pushed me away with your robotic response to me. I want good things for you, I’m a caring person. You can’t take away my love and heart. I’m the bigger person! I want you to be happy and healthy. I just want you to understand how you hurt me 😭 I guess you can’t ever but wish you could. Wish you could feel bad for how much you put me through!!!! 🥺💔💔💔💔💔😭😭😭

[royaleofury]

Hello, I'm Jasmine a Capricorn sun and virgo moon and You have my permission to read for me.

My question-What blessing are coming my way?

Anyways have an amazing day and i hope that you know your efforts and kindness is really appreciated. If by any chance the question is too much or just not something you are comfortable doing you are allowed to say no.

Have an amazing day 🫶🏻🤍✨🧿

Thank you for participating! It's ok, I could change it because you said it before ✨

How will you two meet?

I pulled out two cards for this question. One shows your partner( 7 of pentacles) and other shows you( 9 of cups)

So, with 7 of pentacles, I see that your partner will be quite laid back with all the signs that universe will give them before they meet you. I don't see them being extremely spiritual or believing in tarot or stuffs. They will be having a rest period, more like vacation. I guess you two may meet while they are taking break from the work. I am also hearing that your partner may be work from home , where they can even travel and do their work alongside. Their job doesn't require them to be on their toes all the time. It's like when the peak season comes, they have give in their all heart, while at other times , they need not be too productive. Also, your partner would not be expecting to meet you. It will be more like a random meet on the part of your spouse.

9 of cups which shows you indicates me that you are a naturally intuitive person. You may already get the feel that the connection is coming your way. You will be prepared for it unlike your spouse. I am hearing like " I am fully prepared, come my way". It's cute tbh. When you will meet them, I see you will have already achieved things that you wanted to in your life. You will be satisfied with your job, earnings, your life, etc. in general. The only thing that you will be waiting for is your spouse to come in and play their role. Also, number 9 can be especially important for you when you meet them. Keep looking for number 9 when you feel like it's time that they come in your life.

Personality traits of your spouse

I pulled out 3 cards for this and I got the high priestess , queen of cups(rv) and king of cups(rv).

With the high priestess, your spouse values deep, honest and open relationships. They are the kind of person who hates lies even though it doesn't hurt anyone. They just hate it. They want a person who is super honest and clear with them. They have their boundaries clear and I am getting that they know what kind of person they want. They may have dated quite a few people in the past and therefore, with some failed relationship, they, now, know the ideal partner for them. Once they start loving someone, they just give themselves to that person and show their vulnerable side to them. It must have hurt them before, which can be the reason why they hate lies altogether.

With the queen of cups rv, they dislike too much pda or the kind of partner who is very clingy. They have a mature outlook towards love and relationships in general. They believe that one doesn't have to be all the cutesy type to showcase their love to their partner. Even the messages I am getting from them are very straightforward. They don't play with people and words at all. They know what they want and if you don't give it to them , they can easily move on and not look back at all. They value their self care a lot more than others. They have reached a point in life where they know their worth and what they deserve.

With the king of cups rv, I see some of their shadow side. They are kinda moody and sometimes overly jealous when there is no need to. Sometimes, they might be emotionally unavailable after arguments but still get jealous. Your spouse can be quite a problem to deal with after a fight. They become chaotic after an argument. It's difficult to read their shadow side for me because of their chaotic energy during those times. But, I would say that they are very unpredictable at times. It might take you some time to know their real self.

Relationship dynamic with your spouse

I got 4 of swords in rv and the devil. I see a lot of healing on both of your sides with the first card. This relationship is gonna bring the realest form of you two. There will be challenges but each time they come, your bond will be stronger than before. You two are here to learn lessons from each other. There is lots of unfinished business on both of your parts. I see this as a past life connection. You two came back to solve the business you left. One day, you two are all lovey - dovey and next day, there's an argument, but by the end of the day, you two make up. The relationship will always keep you two on your toes.

With the devil card, I see your partner being extremely jealous. I got it before too and the devil card kinda confirms it. Your partner needs to keep that in control. Also, there's too much dependency on each other, to the point that arguments can really affect you two a lot. Sometimes, it may become toxic. And it's not just your partner doing all of these but you too. As I said, you two need to learn a lot while you both are together. It's a long ride but it's worth it. I am also getting some 18+ messages but I am not comfortable with sharing those. I am sorry about that.

[asktheblondeenderman]

😎 (Orchid) to (Apple/ all your OC's)

😎 if you would like to explore a FAMILIAL relationship between our muses! My Main OCs: (plus some sketches) Orchid and Apple: Apple is an only child so she doesn't know much about having siblings. But she would see Orchid as a younger cousin and take her around to teach her "her ways". Which usually means she will take her around on dangerous missions and let her pretty much fend for herself. She doesn't mean any harm by it, she's confident that Orchid can handle herself but if she has to step in she would.

Orchid and Silver: Silver on the other hand, having grew up with 2 older brothers and a little sister, would instantly treat Orchid like his little sister. He would take her around on small gigs like delivering products or assisting in building stuff. Kind of like take your kid to work day.

He would also be protective of her, but at the same time would take Orchid on the dangerous missions with Apple. Orchid and Enderous:

Enderous by herself takes on the motherly role with people she cares about (including her dad lol)

With Orchid she keeps an eye on her to make sure Apple and Silver don't take her on overly dangerous missions. And would also partake in activities with orchid like potion making and research. Orchid and Svart + BlueBell:

Svart grew up with 4 sisters, 5 if you add BB. And being the oldest of them he feels obligated to take on the authority role almost like Enderous. With Orchid, he would try to be a older brother to her but would quickly learn that she is much more mature and capable then him so he would respectfully stand by her side. BlueBell, would automatically look up to Orchid like a Aunt, she would always ask her questions about potions and artifacts she finds on her journeys. Orchid and Spring

Spring and Orchid would unintentionally act like twin sisters with each other. I don't know why but I just see it like that. I can imagine the two constantly saying things at the same time then look at each other and just giggle 😭

Spring would also see Orchid as a older sister, but she would also think that the two of them are the babies of the family in the friend group.

Other OCs (side characters and what not):

Scarlet would see Orchid as a distant cousin but would still get along with her the most. Alexa would act like the older sister constantly pulling pranks and picking on the younger sister who would be Orchid. They would mainly bond over potions, nothing else. Mark would be the soft brother who balances out Alexa's mean personality. He would constantly reassure Orchid that Alexa doesn't mean anything by it.

Earlaveen being a mother herself wouldn't see Orchid as her own child but more like a niece, she would totally trust Orchid to hold her baby or babysit 🥺

Skeith, they would automatically be the cool uncle everyone likes, and would give Orchid valuable trinkets they find around and say "Here you go kid :D"

Zoon and Marry would treat Orchid like a best friend who's been around for so long that she might as well be family.

May would especially admire Orchid as like an Aunt.

Maya and Lia the twins, would see her like a cousin, but would go out of their way to make her life difficult. (Don't mind the twins, adolescent creepers have a phase where they are just pure evil. They will grow out of it)

Chief Conroy (aka Svart's dad) isn't really social (Now we know where Svart gets it) For Orchid, he would recognize her maturity for her age but would regardless still see himself as the authority figure. (since he is physically and mentally older then her) He would be the emotionally unavailable dad. What am I saying, he IS the emotionally unavailable dad. 💀

Naia and the rest of her siblings would treat Orchid like a middle child sibling. They run their own family bar underground so unless Orchid doesn't own them anything she would instantly be working in the bar with them. Blueman (not his name but never gave him a name) is not a fan of Illagers, for personal reasons, so he would instantly avoid her. My main antagonist who hasn't made a appearance in this blog for more then a year now (and doesn't have a name either) , would also avoid Orchid but if he had to he would make some interactions with her.

My ALT AU:

Ordnance (Apple's ALT) Isn't the type to show her vulnerable feelings, she would treat Orchid like a annoying little sister that she has to bring along, but deep down she cares about her.

Stage Name Broadcaster (Silver's ALT) would see Orchid as a cousin, he would show her his studio and his equipment. Then would do Talk Shows with her.

DR. Chorous (Enderous ALT) Would see Orchid as a niece, but would give her jobs to keep her occupied while she works.

MOD: "I know for a fact thats not all of my OCs but these are all the ones I can think of right now. Hope you enjoy this long ass list." :D

[kentuckycaverats]

Is it possible that you could share anything about Del? Anything at all, really. She both looks and sounds like an interesting character

absolutely it's possible, i love her with all my heart and want to talk about her literally all the time. del my beloved...

our chronicle is set in modern day edinburgh, scotland. del is japanese-american and has been in edinburgh about 7ish years at the start of the chronicle. she lives in the basement of a nighttime book shop owned by an old caitiff anarch and helps him run the place. she also co-owns a bar slash tea lounge with the rest of the coterie; a ravnos courier, lasombra nun, and brujah hacker.

her sire was her girlfriend first, then regnant--a camarilla toreador named sabina callister. she ghouled del against her will when del was 16 and grew more possessive and controlling over the span of about three years, eventually culminating in forcing del to watch as sabina drained del's mortal sister in front of her. del tried to take her own life in a desperate grab at freedom and that's when sabina embraced her. del diablerized her in return and had to flee the states to (1) protect her mortal parents and (2) not get blood hunted. it had always been her sister's dream to visit edinburgh so that's where del goes; she doesn't know she's a thinblood until she meets the old caitiff who helps her figure it out. he's the only one who knows the truth of what happened in the states and he helps her figure out who to make contact with in elysium, how to present herself to the prince, etc. he's the only person she wholly trusts.

the prince is herself a toreador and a little too fond of digging around in people's heads, so coming clean about del's sire isn't an option. she got out of the states before being branded as a thinblood so she has that going for her, and her temperment is very much the stereotypical brujah vibe, so she passes herself off as cam brujah. she's entirely motivated by grief and vengeance and is determined to undermine the camarilla however she can; so while her ideology is more aligned with the anarchs she masquerades as cam brujah for the insider access.

her murdered sister seems to be attached to her as a wraith, tethered to del in an unfinished attempt to protect her. del can't hear or see her, but both a hecata rep and del's hot tremere friend (who's definitely just a friend and totally not a romantic interest) confirmed that it's her. we've also recently learned that sabina was not in fact cam but a sabbat infiltrator, and through a sabbat ritual intended to preserve diablerized operatives she's still anchored to del too. sabina's handler is in town causing problems and was able to draw her consciousness forward, blocking del out in the process.

the coterie doesnt know any of this yet, but she's backed into a corner right now in terms of needing their help and not being able to get around telling them why. she's telling them next session and it's gonna be messyyyy.

overall she presents as very detached, aloof, and emotionally unavailable. she cares about the caitiff, the coterie, her tremere friend, and her mortal adoptive parents: end of list. her moral code is really just "as long as it doesn't affect me and mine i don't give a shit." she's very open about her distaste for cam politics and loathes every moment she has to spend in elysium; she's gotten this far by playing herself off as a low-ranking brujah with no real political ambition. she's blunt, abrasive, manipulative, and just generally kind of a little shit. she's also barely 5'4" and looks to be about 19-20 in age, so the contrast between How Threatening I Look vs Degree of Violence I Am Capable Of Unleashing is, uh. stark.

[broadwaybitchhhh]

while this last tab has been mild, i am getting the distinct feeling that this is my last one for a while. i do wonder when i will ever get to experience the bliss of dropping acid with someone again. and it will really have to be a special someone, one day, when i'm ready for them and they're ready for me. i made the mistake of thinking he was special when in reality he's just like every other emotionally unavailable asshole in new york city, just worse! i hate him so much, i struggle to get over it. i could get over someone wanting different things than me. i could get over someone not liking me. what i can't get over is how he just finds new ways to lie to me and hurt me every single time, and this time i really cannot ever forgive him. i don't care what anyone says. it hurts so much. both because of how much i loved him and just because of how shitty that is to do to a person, because he just sees me as a hole to stick his dick in and not a real person with feelings deserving of respect.

for me to be that in love with someone and have them treat me so horribly in return makes me never want to touch anyone ever again.

i can barely find anyone attractive in the first place, i can't do the stupid small talk, i'm done i'm done i'm done i'm done i would rather be alone!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am not putting any more energy into stupid idiot men. my love and energy goes toward my children.

and my cat, but i do fear she is on her way out. she doesn't seem happy anymore. i will bring her back to the vet to see if there's any better solutions, but i really don't like seeing her like this. she won't let me hold her, she won't cuddle, something is clearly wrong.

i don't know if i want to be with a man anymore. unless one is spectacular, kind, actually wants to date me... it's hard to want them in the first place. i keep feeling like a total lesbian but then i have to accept that it's okay to want both equally.

i don't care if it's a man or a woman, i just want someone who i actually like being around who cares about me and wants the same things in life. i feel like it really shouldn't be that complicated and yet it is. i don't want to say i'm giving up on dating for the rest of the year but it kinda feels like it at this point.

i'm not getting any good answers right now. all i can do is run, and take my meds, and go to therapy, and eat healthy and drink a lot of water and go to bed and take care of myself and focus on my children and enjoy myself with the friends who put in effort to see me.

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

I don’t think that even if I do ever leave my GF that I could date again. I was just barely 15 when I got with her, I had never dated someone IRL before then, mostly only gross men on the internet. (Kik iykyk) I had never had my first kiss, hadn’t even held hands with someone since 5th grade. She gave me all my firsts, showed me what to do, and I followed her lead. Now? I’m practically built for her. Sure my one other IRL ex never said anything or seemed to dislike it, but he knew the situation and so idek if he gave me leeway because of that 😩 I’m scared I’ll be bad at every part of dating someone else. I don’t even know what to do!! I don’t know what I’m into, I only know to do what pleases my GF, not what I want or like. How am I supposed to tell if I’m doing something because I want to or because I’m conditioned into it?? And Sex sounds TERRIFYING. I’ll probably be celibate the rest of my life.

It actually makes me nauseous thinking about it, but also a deep sense of longing. I want a partner, but the idea of it is so stressful. I don’t know if I could trust someone, if I could open up, if I would ever feel comfortable. That’s not fair on another person. And I can’t exactly test it out because I wouldn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings by getting with them just to be like “yeah actually sorry I’m too emotionally unavailable bye.” Imagine all the fights and how it might affect their self esteem while being with someone so untrusting and closed off? Who would even get with me in the first place? Only someone unhealthy as well. Where did this rant go it was supposed to be like three sentences?

[she-might-be-a-demon]

I don’t write on here often but I don’t really have anywhere else to go.

I’m disabled and very mentally ill. Same as a lot of people, but I feel like I never get a good day. It’s always “you need time to heal, give yourself a break”. I feel like all I’ve been doing is resting and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I’m constantly trying my best to get better and the second I think I’m making progress it’s something new.

You need to go to the ER. You need to take these medications. You need to rest. You can’t go to work. You need to pay these bills. How can I pay the bills if I can’t work? How do I make progress if all I can do is lay around waiting to get better? When will I get better? When will anything get better? How can I give myself a break and be more gentle with myself when I grew up around so much negativity?

“My child is not special”. “You just need to try harder”. “You’re a child, you’re not in pain”. “Stop lying”.

“You’re a teenager, of course your body is going to hurt. You’re growing. Just take more pills and you’ll be fine”

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop being dramatic. I go through way more than you and I’m still working and not bitching. There’s nothing for you to be depressed about. You have it so easy”

No. I didn’t. You neglected me and I was forced to be an adult as a child. I raised more children that I can count. I drove the van at the age of 12 because you were drunk at the bar on a Wednesday. I was parenting my parents. Nobody ever believed my pain and now I’m 21 unable to work because I was so ignored that I got no help. There is no help. There is no medication. There is no cure. There isn’t anything I can do to fix any of this. “I’m sorry, doctors don’t know enough about your problems to help you. We can no longer help you. You can try this medication for these other issues but they are not for you. You will trip out until there’s no color left in your eyes. No doctor will contact you to tell you to stop taking these medications and you will have life long side effects.”

Stay positive? Ive been seeing creatures crawling on my ceilings since I was a toddler. The walls are breathing and hands are touching me through the walls. I’m seeing faces in trees and the shadow figures look at me with no expression. Why do I feel their pain? Why do I wish I was dead? Why did I pray to a god I didn’t believe in just because I was told he’d save me one day? Why haven’t I been saved? Why was I lied to? Why am I like this?

“Why dont you hangout with friends?”

What friends are you referring to? The ones who left because they couldn’t handle hearing how badly I wanted my pain to end? The friends who used me for my money because they knew I felt the pain they were going through and they used me until they were better off without me? The friends who couldn’t understand what having DID is like? The friends who fell in love and couldn’t be in my life unless they had me to themselves? The friends who made me sacrifice so many parts of myself until I couldn’t see myself in the mirror? What friends are you talking about?

“Where’s your family in all this?”

The alcoholic, pedophile, narcissistic, manipulative, victim complex, emotionally unavailable, physically abusive, neglectful, egotistical, strict Catholic, compulsive liars, ableist, homophobic, boomers, divorced parents that couldn’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves?

I left at 17. My mother was stealing from me and my family didn’t like that I was the “black sheep” of the family. I need no Shepard for I am not a sheep.

I started from pennies in my pocket. No car. No home. No job. No knowledge of anything other than what my family programmed into my brain to be a slave to whatever they needed me to be. I had nothing.

I’m supposed to be happy? Positive? Hopeful? I slept in a wooden toy chest hoping I wouldn’t wake up as a child . I was so little. Nobody believed a goddamn word I had to say. I’m severely traumatized and disabled.

I’ve been with my partner of almost 4 years who I jokingly gave the name “caretaker” in my phone just for it to unironically become the truth. I feel so much guilt for needing someone to take care of me and help me with everything. I hate that I’ve taken away so many chances for him to have a “normal” life.

I’ve put him through so much shit and he’s still here. It took me over 3 years to get therapy. Only after he broke up with me because I was planning my suicide. He himself was suicidal and didn’t say anything because he didn’t want me to feel bad. He cared more about me than himself and I hate I put him in that situation. He loves me everyday and I can’t seem to love myself for a second. How does he do it? How does he look at me and see love after everything we’ve gone through?

How do I keep going knowing I’m taking away his chances of having a good fulfilling life? Probably won’t get married because why waste money on someone who’s more than 95% going to kill themselves when the time comes? Won’t be having kids because who wants to pass on so many disorders and disabilities to a child? Why adopt just to be shamed for taking in a child when you can’t give them a normal life being a disabled parent?

I’m positive I make my therapist uncomfortable because I can’t seem to go more than two days without talking about how easy everyone’s life will be once I’m gone. “They will miss you”. They definitely won’t miss hearing me bitch about how shit my life is and how there’s nothing i or anyone else can do to help me or fix me. They won’t have to help me with everything. They won’t have to worry about me at all because my body won’t be an issue. My pain won’t be relevant. They will have such an easy life when I’m gone.

I was writing suicide notes at the age of 9. Writing to myself on my birthday because who tf cares about the stick bug you call a girl. The pale and frail. “Look, I can wrap my hands around your waist and my fingers touch.” Awesome having everyone carelessly speak about my size and furthering my eating disorder.

There is nothing for me to look forward to. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. The grass is not greener on the other side. The roses do not smell sweater. The water will never sit still. Everyone leaves and I hop on the pity train with my fucking clown shoes.

“You are dead to me.” “You are a selfish person.” “You aren’t important, I already replaced you.” “You have zero direction.” “You’re going nowhere.” “I hope you hurt every single day until you rot alone.” “You’re a coward.” “You’re a dark rain cloud with nothing good to say.” “You’re just as angry as your dad.” “You play the victim just like your mom.” “You’re a child.” “You let everyone take advantage of you.” “You will be temporary for everyone who comes into your life.” “You will never be cured.” “Do you know how easy it would be to get rid of your body since there’s nothing there.” “You’re so easy to take advantage of.” “ There is zero empathy in your body.” “ You’re dying anyway.” “You’re so fake.” “You can’t even be a person.” “You’re so lost in your delusions.” “I don’t think you’ve ever told the truth.”

Things I’ve been told by people who “loved” me. By family. By friends. By ex bestfriends. By coworkers. By strangers. And I’m supposed to just get over it? I’m supposed to move on? I just need to move past all that? There is nothing to save me from this.

I’m a burning fire waiting to be put out. I’m choking myself out with my own thoughts. I’m smoking everyday hoping my lungs give out just for my ribs to be pushed to the surface until I can’t sit still. The bugs under my skin whispering the things I’ve been told on repeat for years.

It will never change. I can never change. The change I make is irrelevant to anyone because they see the same depressed girl who gave up so early in life and has no direction. I will make it nowhere in life except the cemetery I sit at alone because there’s nobody there to shame me. There’s nobody to tell me it’ll be better. It’s quiet. It’s calm. There’s no shame in sitting with the dead.

When was there every light in my eyes? When was there a life worth living?

I know nobody will read all of this, I know nobody will listen or understand. I know that I will be gone one day and it will change nothing. The world keeps turning and I will finally;Finally get the rest I needed.

[meet-the-sun-chaser]

Aku pasrahkan.

Some friends said I have to leave him. But some says he’s the right one for me.

What do I feel? I feel both.

Your funny laugh, jokes, easy life, your gentle ways on treated me, all makes me feel lucky that I met you. But the other time you just stubborn, hard to deal with, emotionally unavailable.

You have another side that I can’t enjoy even when I’m trying to. You are too colorful for my world which was gray and blue. You are too loud for my calming mind. But in the other hand, you tried to blend and catch me in my comfort zones. You tried to accept and goes along with it even when you feeling numb.

Sometimes I get and accept your effort and I feel lucky to have someone who can accept me for who I am. Sometimes you are calm when I was filled with rage. But sometimes your rage is something that drives me apart.

Thingking about partner that I want to share my life with, I sometimes think that having a partner just exactly like me, also not the answer. And then with you, I feels like you will be complete me. Its true that world will never be in a monochrome with you, but it will be painted with happiness, lessons, and adventurous.

I want you more. But I don’t.

I love you, its true. I want you to be in my life, it crossed my mind, but I don’t want to burden you with my hope. I only want to set you free. As free as your soul when you do something that you’re so passionate.

Maybe I just want you to, you know, just let you be who you are.

I want to let you free. You have a choice.

Want to rest my mind from this thinking. I rest it all to Allah. If we are meant to be together, the universe will makes us to.

[shifuto]

conversations I have with my brain (sometimes we change who is who)

me: Hey, can we stop chasing after emotionally unavailable people, please? brain: No, can't do. me: Why the hell not? brain: Because you're a dom. me: ??????? HUH?? brain: Shy/quiet/avoidant people flip a switch for you because of your desire to dominate, own and monopolize their attention (there's also trauma, and the fact that they will, ultimately, reject you, which is a familiar feeling that won't leave you surprised because you were expecting it anyway). me: Alright so.. what am I supposed to do now..? brain: Therapy. me: Well, that's not exactly helping much, is it? brain: Probably not. me: What's the next best thing then? brain: When you notice it happening, hit the bricks. You deserve better than chasing after people who do not want you. me: That's fair, but very lonely.... brain: It's indeed unfortunate, but there's peace of mind. me: There is peace of mind, it's true... brain: Besides, if you keep on wasting energy/time/resources on unavailable people, you won't have enough for the right people. me: Right! brain: And who knows you could find a good sub out there, or another dom you can submit to - even better, you could find another switch, and live your bdsm dreams. Pretty cool, huh? me: But very unlikely... brain: So what? Life goes on. You'll meet more people. You'll keep on meeting people until you die. Do you really think you'll spend the rest of your life alone like this? me: I think so... brain: Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone? me: No. brain: Are you doing something to change this predicament, to change yourself, to change your environment and as many variables as you can? me: Yes. brain: So you're doing more than enough work, and a really hard work at that. Something to be proud of. It will pay off in unexpected ways. me: Maybe...