#I am also upset that we experienced different DE’s!

[mewnia]

oof dude sorry but i disagree with your comment about flynn being more boring in DE, if anything to me it makes him even MORE interesting? you get tidbits of his backstory and how bratty he used to be, his funny quirks and tastes sometimes clashing with other party members', even more insight into his comically dangerous cullinary tastes, and above all a lot more of his thoughts about justice and friendship that gradually evolve throughout the story. he even gets his own sidequest with the twins to dig deeper into his values and self-esteem! this isn't to be mean btw i'm just flabbergasted that we seem to have played different games is all 😭

NO DUDE PLEASE DISAGREE WITH ME

I SWEAR I get the bad hand with DE because the only thing that I did experience was the side quest with the twins which I will admit was super cool, I did like that side quest.

One thing you should know about me is that I don’t really go out of my way to do side quests and most of the optional stuff in games? On a second playthrough sure (and I finished all of Arise because they actually let you know where they are which is super nice). The Tales games and their “find it on accident or look up a guide” side quests are hard for me to follow through and I’ve never 100% liked that aspect. On one hand yes it gives the possibility of a more unique playthrough, but on the other you could miss out on a bunch of fun information. And when you get a guide, not all side quests are worth it so it feels like pushing through mud to get to the good ones, y’know?

I am so glad that others experience a more interesting Flynn, because most of the time I got the original skits that shove Flynn in there for the sake of consistency. The newer skits felt few and far between, and I can’t tell you how upset I am that I didn’t run into a lot of fun stuff because I wanted to so bad!!!

[decayfromwithin]

Could I have a reality check? If that isn't okay, please disregard this message.

I worry I am starting to have the delusion that we are a lil spiritually/psychically connected, that we may be the same "souls" experiencing similar but different lives. A lot of the things you post I feel like I "get it", and maybe I project my own identity onto you.

This all sounds very narcissistic and egotistical 🤢 But it is comforting. I don't wish to be close, and I wouldn't want to cause you harm. I've followed you for like 6 years, and these thoughts have only been recent.

This doesn't seem right, does it? /Genuine

Im probably not the best person to ask for a "reality cheek" from since i belive reality is individual. But ill try answer this ask regardless.

I think im a very "spiritual" person, i do belive in connections between people that are deeper than "normal connections", and connections that are meant to be. But theres no way for me to know if we have any sort of connection because you are anonymous, i know nothing about you or who you are, or if we have talked before. I have discovered to have deeply spiritual connections to people before though. But thats alwaya been discovered in physical reality, not online. As its also a physical feeling.

I do not belive in souls at all. In my mind there is no way two people can be the same person. There is only me, in my current life. I wish it was different honestly, and i could hope for more. I cant allow myself the comfort of thinking i have or am more than what i currently have. (Unless we are talking about different dimensions , but we share one, and i can only exsist in one dimension at the same time. But all dimensions i exsist in are a part of me and my current reality, not separate and i could not interact with myself from another dimension, just gain consciousness of it and experience them Simultaneously)

Its very normal if you "get" my posts, and relate to me. But before you get delusional about me , maybe talk to me on a personal level first. Because im very complex in ways that cant be precived from just following me and seeing my online content... even if you feel yourself seen or reflected in 100% of what i post online, that would not mean you are me or even similar to me as a person, or that you even understand me in any degree as your preception of me could be horribly off/wrong.

And again, i dont show all of myself online. Im very carefull to keep my most personal information or even traits to myself or close ones to learn about. I also have DID, so this is just a small part me as an antire person in itself. Our life experiences that shape us are completely diffrent too.

If we do have similarities, if youre able to relate to me deeply, or feel we might have a connection, i think thats at most a great opportunity for friendship. Feel free to dm me, id love to talk. If not, thats fine too. If you are concerned youre getting attached to me in an unhealthy way, maybe just block me and walk away. Whatever you think is best.

I don't understand "dont wish to harm you". The only thing that would upset me is trying to claim you are me online or impersonate me. Id also be uncomfortable to me if you tried to copy my behavior, art or style in order to feel closer to me or being me. There is lovely wonder in accepting yourself as your own being and exploring your own self. Being you is the one thing you will always have that can never be lost or taken away. (Well.. only by de*th...) id say you are the most important being in your own life/reality. Just like i am to myself. And you should focus on that and enjoy it while you can.

Youre free to find comfort in me and my content though. I know a lot of people do relate to my posts and find it comforting and it makes me glad to hear. I want to bring comfort to people. Never pain, hurt, fear.

Wish u the best<3

[fndawerness]

My name is Jodi and I have FND, a mysterious and scary disorder. I’ll never forget when neurologist said …”oh we know what this is. You have Functional Neurological Disorder”.

Oh.

See if you google Functional Neurological Disorder one of the first results is from the database of rare diseases. And that’s about all you’ll find. It’s not that it’s rare, rather that it’s under researched. It’s a neurological disorder with no solid cause (that’s being debated). My neurologist explained that my body is akin to a computer. Every once in a while it updates. But my nervous system doesn’t. So while my body may be running on Windows 11, my nervous system is still using dial-up. Hence why my head moves the way it does, or my legs don’t work right, or really any of the symptoms I have. So I left neurology happy that at least I had a diagnosis, thinking “well this is it and we shall carry on”.

When a loved one has FND, a disorder that neurologists won’t be able to give you a timeline on (it presents differently for everyone), the best thing you can be is creative. Family and friends couldn’t make it go away as much as they wanted to, but they could and did help make it easier. Finding ways to adapt my place to be more accessible before I was off the walker and cane. Ways to get me to be able to eat when I didn’t have the hand dexterity for utensils. What we learned is that any meal can be wrapped in a tortilla.

Eventually, I started my new adventure of physical therapy and balancing classes and what I learned was a truly inaccessible world.

In the fall of 2021, I was in a wheelchair then walker and cane. My legs just decided they were going to go on strike. For those reading this who have experienced FND, your body going on strike is a pretty accurate description.

If FND is anything (besides a pain in the behind), it is an adventure. There is no telling what will happen next. Which is terrifying, but I decided when I was diagnosed that I wouldn’t be upset about it. It was a waste of energy I simply didn’t have. FND has creeped into every facet of my life. I still tic frequently (including in the writing of this), but now it’s something that I laugh at. I always tell people who seem concerned two things: 1) It’s scary for you than it is me and 2) Oh don’t worry, my brain is just scrambled eggs at this point.

No one knows much about FND in the long run. In fact, when you walk into the neurology office athletic rather than in a wheelchair, they will tell you the same thing. “It may get better, it may get worse, we don’t know”. Keep on keeping on.

FND is scary, I won’t sugar coat it. Scary, but livable. So, what’s living with FND look like? It looks like adapting, realizing that who I was two years ago is different from who I am now, and while that may be bitter-sweet, it’s how it is. And it also looks like waiting for science to catch up. I would love answers, I would love to know why my brain is the way it is. I may know soon; I may never know. So for now I just take it day by day. I’m not going to end this by saying I’m grateful for FND. No, it completely de-railed and changed my life. I will however say it at least keeps things interesting and while I may shake like I have the band State of Mine playing in my head, at least I’m never bored.

—-

[crayonboxcolors607]

CW/TW -mentions of various triggering topics, including but not limited to, su!c!de, r@pe, se*ual a**ault, etc

in reference to a recent post i reblogged by @thedreadvampy

that post garnered a TON of negative attention due to the lack of content and trigger warnings proceeding the post, especially because it discussed some HEAVILY TRIGGERING topics.

i am not of the belief that "trigger warnings cater to the weak" or whatever dumb shit people come up with to justify not properly tagging their work.

i am also aware that i am someone who, while appreciating CWs and TWs, don't rely on them the way i know others do. i can read a fic or a post lacking trigger warnings, come across a triggering topic/piece of content, and maintain my wise-minded self. ( just a lil dbt flex)

and it's taken me years of therapy and skills work to get to this point. i still benefit from trigger warnings, but i don't need them the way i used to anymore.

and i know that there are some people who won't ever be able to get to the point that im at, simply because of how their trauma affected them.

AND THATS OKAY!

everyone's experiences are different, and everyone's reactions to those experiences are different. i could have the same exact trauma as someone else, and we could still have different after effects. because that's just how the world works.

the purpose of trigger warnings isn't to make a topic taboo or hush-hush, nor is it to garner excessive attention to your post (which is a claim i've seen made far too often). they are simply there to let people know that the topics discussed or written about may make cause some viewers distress. they're there because people who experience a traumatic event of any kind are more likely to have negative reactions to stories/conversations pertaining to that traumatic event or events of that kind.

people who haven't experienced trauma can also benefit from trigger warnings/content warnings.

let's say you were reading a really great fic, and then out of nowhere, there was rape or real non-con. you'd be confused and probably a bit upset right? because that wasn't the kind of content you were looking for, and the author didn't tell you their fic would contain that topic.

a content warning helps you realize that before you reach the upsetting content, allowing you to click off and avoid it.

i think the people who were upset at the lack of warnings have an absolute right to be. its really hard to come across something thats triggering for you. it causes flashbacks. it causes panic attacks. it causes meltdowns and shutdowns and moves you back in your recovery process.

but the purpose of the original post was to explain that just because they're triggering topics, doesn't the world can't talk about them. it was to say that the more we avoid these topics, the more taboo they become. the more mystery surrounds them. the more misinformation will get spread. and the less people will ask for help.

and i personally agree with that. these are topics that need to be talked about, so we make sure that the next generations know that they are not alone. they can ask for help. they can talk to people about how they're feeling.

but i do think that the OP should've included trigger warnings.

[justapcpblog]

Listen, if prepare a full altar and call: "Sonic The Hedgehog, please join me for my ritual of you!" and this spirit shows up and grants me the feeling "woah, where am I??? Who are you???" I'm going to be really upset. Obviously if you can summon a character who never asked to be summoned you need to be able to de-summon them. And I'm a measly human, I'd rather call upon a different, more experienced spirit to help send them home. If he had no idea about how Godphones work, I'd also wonder how he managed to send me that feeling in the first place. I guess it could just be because he works on humans in general, but in that case somehow Sonic didn't know any Pagan fans.

This post suggests that the capabilities of summoning a character is beyond their control. Meaning that you're the one in power here. Hypothetically, you could summon a non-deity, non-egragore's 3 month old child. I can't believe that they'd let humans have that much power over their lives. They could be in the middle of battle or sex and we suddenly pull them out? (heh).

If a character in their canon has no knowledge of how real-world Paganism works, then how am I even going to summon them in the first place? Summoning is a privilege we get to have with them, not a right (pun intended).

PCWT: Communication, Confirmation, and Conversation

A question I hear come up a lot in PCM/PC Paganism circles is “how do I know I’m actually reaching out to (x)?” Given how well, sadly scarce info on PC Paganism or Pop Culture Magic in general is, I’d say that’s an absolutely valid question to have. So here’s just some of my tips over the years that have helped me out.

Keep reading

[the-lightning-strikes-again]

Today, I am reflecting on how it wasn’t just Allura who deserved better. VLD Allura as a fictional character attracts a lot of fans who have suffered from real-world genocide/colonization, war, and oppression--fans who have experienced real trauma and connected to this character’s struggles through that common thread. These fans connected to the Allura character and to other characters despite the show’s microaggressions throughout the seasons, and despite its sometimes clumsy handlings of very heavy topics. (Entertainment still struggles with microaggressions as a result of the unconscious biases of a show’s development team, but every human struggles with bias in some capacity.) Still, people of color came to Voltron fandom to celebrate and explore a character they saw different aspects of themselves in.  

But there are reasons why so many people of color no longer participate in the Voltron fandom as fans.

Those fans who left listened when the at-large fandom shamed the Allura character for being upset over murder and genocide.

Those fans listened when many others ran with VLD’s unsettling flirtations with a shatterglass genocide in an alternate universe, with some fans ultimately accusing Allura and the Alteans of being the true oppressors and colonizers in the main universe too despite clear evidence otherwise. 

Those fans saw the harassment that happened to colleagues who tried to stand up for respecting the trauma of genocide victims, who wanted stories that did more than JUST elicit sympathy for the oppressors but also actively championed accountability for the sake of victims.

Those fans paid attention when various fandom factions celebrated Allura’s death or weaponized morality terms to undermine the Allura character and her fans, just so that some faction could obtain fandom supremacy for their preferred ship.

And then those Allura fans left, because the amount of sheer hate projected onto Allura didn’t just end in fiction. The fandom’s hate or insensitivity for the Allura character translated down to hate for her real, living and breathing fans who were often victims of real oppression, increasingly harassed by some fans who did everything possible to militarize the fandom against appreciating or respecting the Allura character or her fans in any capacity.  

And so many Allura fans left, realizing that Voltron fandom was not a safe and inclusive space for people of color.

I am still on a learning journey to check my biases or areas of ignorance. There have been times I did not understand why someone connected with a character for the reason they do, and there have been times that I have perpetuated a microaggression or made someone of a different background  from me feel unwelcome or unwanted. I look back at things I’ve written in the past or done and know that I could have done better. And I anticipate I will make more mistakes—maybe even big ones—before I’m dead, because life is too complex to ever just Understand It All.

To people remaining in Voltron fandom: We have to be better at creating inclusive spaces in fandom. Fandoms do not exist in a vacuum. We bring our own unconscious biases with us, and just hoping that we’re “woke” on one or two topics, or knowing we’re personally affected by a certain kind of oppression, in no way make us The Supreme, Unquestionable Arbiter on All Things. We have to be open to learning from others, to accepting that we don’t know it all, to having vulnerable, meaningful discussions instead of shutting down the instant anyone questions that we are, in fact, fallible and human. Because we’re all human and no one is perfect, and it’s going to take all of us working together to create a safe and inclusive space.

To those fans of diverse backgrounds who have stayed in Voltron fandom despite the racism, despite the hate or insensitivity thrown at you: Thank you. I hope one day that fandoms are better than they are now. Because it’s not just about a fictional character named Allura deserving better. You deserved better too.

[princessfbi]

Hi my favourite Buckley Siblings person. I need some serotonin after reading some horrifically hot takes that basically said that Maddie and Buck is not a healthy dynamic and she has no boundaries when it comes to him.

So, I was wondering if you could give your too reasons as to why the Buckley siblings are elite? 💜

Isn't that always the curse of the eldest daughter? To be invalidated in your feelings and your trauma because you're expected to perform to an expectation that can be crippling. There's a joke somewhere along the lines of "are you an overachiever or were you just the eldest daughter?" that seems fitting this morning.

I mean let's talk about Margaret and Philip's history of invalidating their children's feelings for a second.

They forced Maddie to never talk about a brother who died that she remembered and had known for most of her life. Maddie was nine. She would've been a fourth grader! She was a kid who still had to walk in a single file line down the halls. Do you know what the big deal was when I was in fourth grade? I got to have my classes upstairs on the second floor. That was the big monumental life change for me in that grade. It was a big deal.

Maddie was a fourth grader who lost her brother, didn't even have a grasp of the concept of what death meant, was told to pretend Daniel didn't exist, and was aware enough that her whole life had changed.

That's a fourth grader being told never to talk about someone ever again. A fourth grader who is then taken away from her home, her memories, her friends and forced to pretend like nothing was wrong.

There's a reason emotional neglect has such a clear through line to later in life abuse. It's this idea that Margaret and Philip perpetuated with Maddie that there has to be this performance. Nobody understands our suffering and judges us. It both alienates a child and teaches said child that the world will not understand you if things are different. You see that with the way Maddie hides things with Doug, she makes excuses for him, it's different with her and Doug, she judges other victims of domestic abuse when they come into the hospital, and she deflects. All of this she learned from her parents.

Maddie hiding the abuse 🤝 Margaret and Philip hiding Daniel's death/their grief

Maddie making excuses for Doug 🤝 Philip making excuses for Margaret

It's different with her and Doug 🤝 Philip and Margaret crying victim about people judging them for having Buck because obviously that's not the same thing as other people who procreate children to save other children

Maddie judging other victims 🤝 Margaret and Philip judging Maddie for attaching herself onto someone who loves her (questionable but I think in Doug's own way he did)

Maddie deflecting about the abuse 🤝 Margaret and Philip deciding to move away and never talk about Daniel again

You see them do it again and again to Maddie ("You don't know what it's like you're not a mother yet") so it's no wonder Maddie does it to herself. She'd gotten used to it. You see her do it to herself with Buck, Chimney, Sue, Josh, and then for a brief moment when she's struggling with the PPD.

Maddie deflects but she also makes a point to not let Buck do that. That's why it's so meaningful that she came to talk to him after he revealed he was going to therapy because she thought he wouldn't want to talk about it freely with Chimney around. That's why she prods when Buck makes excuses for Abby's behavior towards him. That's why her scene where she calls Buck sad and lonely is so important. That sticks with Buck and instead of getting angry about it, he tries to get help. But then he does the same for her too "Because I always felt like you were sad too."

Meanwhile in regards to Buck, we see Margaret and Philip objectify Buck from before he was even born. I think a lot of people forget that objectifying someone doesn't strictly imply sexually. Being a donor baby already comes in a severe degree of objectification (you can see this as a major argument in regards to the whole concept of donor siblings ie the book Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro for example). Margaret and Philip objectified Buck from conception and when it didn't work, they didn't put the work in to shift that way of viewing Buck. He remained an object to them. He was never a baby, he was a thing. "We live with a reminder staring us in the face." They didn't just invalidate Buck. They didn't let Buck be a person.

And Buck had grown up being objectified his whole life which is why he doesn't even react when people are constantly doing it to him (people on the job, Abby, Bobby and the team to a certain extent.) I think it's interesting the way he reacts when Omar does the same thing when Maddie introduces him.

Maddie: Omar, this is my brother, Evan.

Omar: Oh, yeah, the football star.

Buck is so visibly uncomfortable when he says that it actually hurts my soul which is why that scene where Buck says "I'm going to be something... I just-- I don't know what it is yet" is so important. Because Maddie has spent her entire life being invalidated and she goes out of her way to make sure that doesn't happen with Buck. She validates Buck. She reminds him that he's a person. That he is someone.

So, when Maddie gives Buck the keys and the money to go away, she's not just giving him an escape. She's giving him permission to go be someone.

What I think people sometimes forget is that the trauma Buck experienced (the neglect which in my personal opinion, is a form of abuse though I know the technicalities are a gray point) was also what Maddie experienced. The difference is that Maddie got to be a person. She got to be their daughter. Their choice. Wanted. Buck wasn't given that consideration.

So, she did it. Maddie changed the course of trajectory for Buck.

And she started that when she was nine years old. A fourth grader decided that she was going to want this unwanted baby.

Maddie wasn't fighting her parents in Buck Begins about being able to talk to Daniel. She wasn't even fighting because they were invalidating her feelings again! She was fighting them because they were back in their lives and treating Buck like he wasn't a person again. She was fighting them because they came into town and gave a lackluster attempt at trying check and make sure Buck was fine before they dismissed him.

And Maddie wasn't going to let them do that again.

I mean just think about the "Don't be stupid, Evan"/"Don't talk to him like that" scene. It's so understated how significant those two lines are. It speaks volumes of the way Margaret in particular has diminished Buck's capacity as a human being and how she'd done it enough times that Maddie immediately jumps to his defense.

And it's not just Maddie who does it either. Because Buck knows Maddie deflects. He's seen her do it with his own two eyes (I just don't think he realized how much she deflects from him because again he thought they were on the same page). "C'mon you don't have to pretend with me. I know things aren't okay with, Doug." So Buck jumps in between Maddie and anyone who is a "danger" to her.

He does it with Margaret: "She's going to nursing school. You should congratulate her."

He does it with Doug: "Standing in between you and anyone who thinks they can hurt you is exactly where I want to be standing."

He does it with Gloria: "Want me to talk to her?"

And he does it again in the big build up at the infamous dinner scene with his parents. Buck has seen Maddie just take it, so he puts himself in the middle. "It was a compliment, Evan!"/"Oh, was it?"

"A united front."

"You and me in the world."

"Us vs them. That's what we always said."

I agree that I don't think it was Maddie's place to tell Buck's parents about his therapy (though, I know why she did it). But Buck is such a firm believer in the "People make mistakes. Doesn't mean you give up on them." and that came from Maddie and grew from his experience with Bobby, Hen, Chimney, Eddie, and Athena.

Buck and Maddie are never going to give up on each other. If they had, Maddie wouldn't have given him an escape. Buck would've stopped trying to contact her. Buck and Maddie show such a capacity of love and forgiveness towards one another it's maddening because they so easily could've not.

It's not Buck tolerating when Maddie "hurts" or "upsets" him. It's Buck loving Maddie so completely that he loves her in spite of her flaws. The same way she has loved him in spite of his failures.

I think that's really the saddest part about the people who don't quite understand the Buckley siblings relationship. It's people who don't get or haven't gotten to experience the profound love that comes from being forgiven for something. Forgiven completely and not just stated. I think to be forgiven, really forgiven, is maybe one of the greatest gifts a person can give you. Because to be forgiven is to be seen. It's be seen for all your faults and still accepted. Whether a person deserves forgiveness or not is really just a moot point if you think about it. Because to make the choice to forgive someone is a liberation of yourself by saying "I am not going to hold this baggage for you anymore." It's all you can control at the end of the day. How people respond when you say that is when you really get to see the true value you hold to a person. Like my sibling and I grew up hating each other. HATING each other. It wasn't until we were older that we started to connect. But I have never once, nor have they, questioned whether or not we would go to the mat swinging for each other. And yeah we have a lot of baggage we're still holding onto but one by one we're letting things go and we are still around for one another.

That's why I think it's fascinating Buck's capability for forgiveness and it stems from Maddie because Margaret and Philip I don't think have ever forgiven Buck. They may not have blamed him but they never forgave him either.

François Duc De La Rochefoucauld has a really amazing quote about forgiveness.

"One forgives to the degree that one loves."

Buck's capacity to love and forgive is because Maddie loved him so completely. She saw him as a person. She treated him as a person. She forgave him for being a person and she loved him for being a person.

They survive major childhood trauma together. It has created this codependency that is shifting for the better because Buck and Maddie are getting better. They're surrounded by people who love them the way Margaret and Philip should have loved them. They are surrounded by people who validate them the way Margaret and Philip should have validated them. They are surrounded by people who see them for who they are the way Margaret and Philip should've seen them.

"Cause it's hard to feel betrayed by someone you didn't really think you could count on anyway... and easy to lash out one the person that you know is always gonna forgive you."

So that's my top reason why they're elite. Buck and Maddie forgive one another the same way they love one another. Completely and entirely with their whole hearts.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

So I looked through a detransition blog just out of curiosity, since it was one you reblogged, but now I’m super... freaked out? I have a top surgery consultation in April but now I have this weird fear that I’m faking it or that I’ll regret it afterwards. I’ve identified as somewhere along non-binary and trans (he/they!) for over a year, and I’ve known I’m not a girl for even longer, but now I’m just so afraid that maybe I don’t know myself at all. Do you have any advice on what this is?

Lee says:

Discussing your feelings with a therapist can sometimes help you untangle the anxiety from everything else. It’s reasonable to have some apprehension about a major surgery that can have a big impact on your life because it is a big change- and like any other surgery, it also has medical risk and can result in complications. 

And reading about other people’s feelings about their surgeries can be helpful! I do recommend reading things from people who were happy with the outcome and reading things from people who weren't to get a better perspective on the range of experiences that can exist. Only reading the negative or the positive doesn’t provide a balanced view!

But even if you read other people’s stories, and talk to them about why they feel the way they do about their choices and bodies, nobody else can tell you what you should do for yourself. Even a therapist can’t know for sure if you will regret surgery (or anything else that you choose to do) because nobody can see into the future, see into your heart, and see into mind simultaneously to and determine for certain what it is that you need. 

As soon as I came out as non-binary when I was 15, I started saving money for top surgery. I was someone who ran towards top surgery at full tilt and I didn’t give myself any space for doubt about whether it was the right choice for me because I felt it was the only choice I had-- forwards or nothing. I was pretty severely depressed at the time and had a brief hospitalization the month before I turned 18, and I was sort of pinning all my hopes on top surgery reducing my dysphoria and booting out my depression. So I scheduled my consultation as soon as I turned 18 and was legally an adult and could do so without parental permission. I immediately scheduled my surgery for the soonest available date, and had inverted-T incision top surgery about 3 months after I turned 18.

Now I’m 21 years old, and I’m 3 years and 5 months post-op from my top surgery. 

In retrospect, top surgery was 110% the right choice for me. If I could do it all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Top surgery really did reduce my dysphoria by a significant amount, and that made it easier for me to cope with my depression and other mental health issues. I was proudly parading around the house shirtless as soon as I was able to stop using post-op compression, before my incisions had even healed into scars.

I don’t have any dysphoria about my chest anymore, especially now that I’ve gotten tattoos to cover my scars. I finally feel like I look like how I always knew I was meant to look.

I don’t post pictures of my chest anymore because I have distinguishing tattoos but I’ve posted a few before/after pictures when I was 3 years post-op and I think things have only gotten better now.

I was lucky to not have any complications; I don’t have any nerve pain, and hypertrophic or keloid scarring, and I didn’t need any revisions. But there are some things that are non-ideal compared to if I had just been born with a typical cis-guy flat chest. My nips are a little wonky in color and shape, and I plan on getting medical tattoos at some point to even the edges out. I also have slightly muted sensation in my chest now, so everything is like slightly number than it was before.

When I was pre-op, I did enjoy having nipple sensation that was pleasurable; even though I had inverted t-incision top surgery which preserved the nipple stalk, I still only have tactile, temperature, and pain sensations in my chest. If you put an ice cube on my nipple and my eyes were closed, I’d know it was cold. If you poked me while I was looking away, I’d still feel it. And if you squeezed me, it would hurt. But somehow it doesn’t feel good anymore like it used to. 

I don’t know how much of that loss in erotic sensation is a mental thing and how much is a physical change caused by scar tissue build up around the nerve. But regardless, it is a real loss. 

For me, that loss is well worth it. While I might have been physically capable of experiencing erotic nipple/chest sensation before, I rarely actually did have that experience because it made me too dysphoric and I didn’t like to take my shirt off during sex. Now I feel more fully present and comfortable in my own body and it makes me more engaged so I can focus on my partner and on the other feelings I’m having and how I look isn’t something that is detracting from the experience. 

In general, top surgery has made my life better in a million ways. I love running shirtless with my college cross country team, I like going swimming at the beach with no shirt, and I like the way I look now when I see myself in a mirror after stepping out of the shower. 

When I get dressed in the morning, my day starts off on a neutral note because it’s just me putting on clothes. Sometimes I pause to think about how I can just put on a shirt and feel good about it and move on. Before, I used to be upset every morning because the first thing I’d be reminded of when I woke up was that my chest was there and I didn’t want it to be. I’m Autistic, and binding was Not comfortable for me sensory-wise, so not having to bind was also nice.

I would choose to get top surgery again, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right choice for each and every person. I am sure it was the right choice for me, and I have no regrets at all, I never want to have breasts again. But someone else might think that not having erotic nipple sensation is a dealbreaker, or they might not be comfortable with scars if they tend to heal with more visible raised scars that are harder to cover with a tattoo like I did mine.

So I can tell you that top surgery has made my life better and I’m glad I got it and I don’t think that there would have been any way for me to be as happy as I am now if I had not gotten it. Top surgery is life saving and life-changing for some people, and I am one of those people. I might be more inclined to tell people that if you think you need surgery you should get it because my surgery went so well and because I’m still identifying as genderqueer, transmasculine, and non-binary, just like I was when I was 15, so my identity is pretty static there.

Some other post-op people may tell you that they regret their surgery, that they wish they hadn’t done it, and they would make a different decision if they could go back in time. They might want to help warn other people to not make the same mistake that they did.  Detransitioned folks often (but not always) have a different perspective than folks who persisted in being transgender and that’s okay- it isn’t a better perspective or a worse one, just a different one. But both trans and reidentified people can feel this way, even though it’s usually more common for de-trans folks to regret surgical procedures that it is for trans folks.

I semi-rushed into surgery for both emotional and logistical reasons but I knew it was right for me. But that isn’t the best choice for everyone and if you aren’t 100% sure that it is what you want and need then there’s nothing wrong with having the consultation with the surgeon to learn more and then thinking things over before you schedule a surgery date (or don’t), you don’t need to immediately schedule a surgery date after the consult. Think of it as an interview and as an information gathering session.

Neither of us can tell you what you should do because neither of us are “right” or “wrong” about top surgery. It’s just a different experience and a different perspective. We all have biases based on our own way of seeing things, and that can inform our advice.

If you know what the risks are, and you’ve given it careful thought and can provide an informed consent, then whether you should get surgery is your decision. I won’t tell you “go get it!” or “don’t go get it!” and I don’t think that any blogger should be telling anons what medical procedures to get or not get. 

Worrying that you’re faking it, that you don’t know who you are, and worrying about regret is something that can be pretty scary and frustrating, but you don’t need to figure it out on your own, and it’s okay to take a little longer to come to a decision and talk it over with a therapist if you think it’s necessary to help you cope with that anxiety.

But yeah, I believe that ultimately you have to trust your gut feelings on what you know to be right for you.

Top surgery 101 links

Finding a therapist

Side note: While we do our best to avoid reblogs from obvious TERFs/truscum/transphobes/racists/sexists/ableists/etc to avoid exposing people to triggering content by boosting the blog’s visibility, and we do appreciate getting heads up asks about reblogs from a problematic OP, if we reblog a post from someone we do not necessarily endorse all of the content in every post they’ve made, and we don’t necessarily agree with all of the blogger’s opinions either. We reblog a specific post if we think seeing that post might be helpful for some of our followers.

[vaulthigh]

Written in the stars.

Saturday, I stepped onto the baking 100+ degree University of Oregon track to compete in my second Olympic Trials. The feelings overcoming me were quite different than those I experienced in 2016, which back then were derived from being one of the fresh faces on the scene - one of the youngsters who had “plenty of years” to chase the Olympic dream. There may have been some pressure felt then, but this time around it was incomparable.

The Olympic hype is no doubt a factor in the emotional roller coaster most experience at the U.S. Olympic Trials. I compete 9 months out of the year every year, yet this competition (and the Games themselves, of course) is the only one that really grabs the attention of the public eye outside of the track community. Not even World Championships can compare to the Olympic hype, which I find ironic because that team is just as difficult to make, and you end up competing against the same fierce competitors at Worlds as you do at the Games.

I digress.

The point of that paragraph is to say - the pressure was on for the Trials, and while I preach to interpret it as support and encouragement from outside sources, it’s hard to overlook the feeling of expectation when I repeatedly hear the phrase “oh, you’ll make the team easily. Just go for gold in Tokyo!”

“Make the team easily”… ha. The Trials are a beast, and even the top dogs have to be on their A-game. No bad days allowed, because a dozen other athletes slightly down the totem pole are chomping at the bit, rearing to snag those rare 3 spots on the Team. My bad day is their chance to claim the spot, and rightfully so - but no matter how good you are, you can never go in thinking you have something in the bag. That’s when your bag will be lost, and you’ll never get it back. (Sort of like losing luggage while transferring through Charles de Gaulle airport - it’s just gone 😅. I hope someone who has followed me a while giggles at my reference.)

All this to say, the pressure was surmountable, and the most unfortunate part of my story is my confidence on the runway has been lacking the last month or two. It’s been a culmination of attempting to push my physical boundaries and raise my grip, but also combined with attempting to change technical things this season. I ended up biting off way more than I can chew. Being at the level I am, I will be the first to say “don’t try changing too much at once, that can really mess you up.” Well, I guess my judgement has been clouded by my burning desire to improve, and I ended up going against my own advice without recognizing it - until things came crashing down, that is. And I mean that in a literally way.

In my final competition prior to the trials, I ended up going back down to my shorter series of poles because I have felt my technique suffering. I was putting so much energy into trying to jump on the longer poles that my training sessions lacked focus on the basics of my form, which is what made me a 5 meter pole vaulter in the first place. Grip height never got me there - physical ability did. I cannot lose that because speed and power, and my ability to attack at the takeoff, are what made me great. They are my bread and butter.

While change can be a good thing, there is always going to be an adjustment period. Unfortunately for athletes, we still have to compete during the awkward times, which leaves you trying to compete at your best when you’re in the middle of a metamorphosis. It’s going to look as though you’re suffering, but in reality you’re just in the middle of morphing into a butterfly 🦋, and no butterfly can take flight before it leaves the cocoon.

That’s how I feel right now. I believe big positive changes are on the horizon, but they will only happen with persistence and positivity, and also with understanding given to myself from myself. As elite athletes, we hold ourselves to the highest of expectations at all times. I know the process I am going through, yet still was so infuriated at myself for my performance at the Trials. I don’t want to lose that fury and that fire, because that is what’s going to get me through to my goal, but I do want to work on not being so hard on myself. I know it sounds elementary, but it’s true at all levels. If anyone understands the struggles you’re enduring, it should be you. As humans, we should be allowed to show ourselves compassion just as we do toward others.

In that final competition before Trials that I referred to, I felt just ok on the shorter poles. I mean, no worse and no better than I do on the longer ones. (For reference, I’m talking 4.45m/14’7” poles versus 4.60m/15’1” poles.) I am glad I went back to them because it made me truly recognize my technique was suffering. It had nothing to do with what poles I was jumping on. I needed to “get my jump back”, regardless of poles, and I needed to do it fast because the trials were two weeks away at that time.

A few days later I did another vault session on the short poles, and I think it was probably the worst practice I have had in years. Like, literal years. I mean it. I don’t even know why - my body felt fine, the conditions were fine, etc. For whatever reason I just didn’t have it that day. I would run down the runway feeling good, plant the pole, and completely miss the swing and connection. I chalk that day up to sport. That’s just sport. Your bad days are going to happen and you sometimes can search and scrape for an explanation, and there simply isn’t one. You just didn’t have it that day.

“Well, crap.” I thought, when I ran through my last vault of the session and the pole ripped the skin right off the palm side of my thumb. “I needed that skin” I said, laughing in disbelief and also laughing because my body didn’t know what to do with my panic. Isn’t the human body such a strange thing? I felt panic and my reaction was to laugh - not sure that was an appropriate reaction but hey, I’m weird and I know it.

So now I was one week from the trials, I had just had a poor competition, and even more poor practice session, and ripped off vital skin I needed to heal within six days. A pole vaulters ability to grip is vital.

My emotions went numb at that point. I think I had worried away all of my worries. I decided to focus on getting lots of sleep, nourishment, and healing my hand. I kept it bandaged properly 24/7, and soft with ointments. This turned out to be the perfect approach because day 5 it was nearly perfectly healed and didn’t end up being an issue for my first competition day at prelims.

Prelims were absolutely necessary for me, and ended up being the first step in getting my groove back. Aside from it being hot (which I’m used to, thank you Arkansas…) the conditions in prelims were close to perfect. Throughout the warmup I got my feet under me and felt I successfully shook off the former horrid practice. I made 4.50m on my first jump, and with that single jump I qualified for the final round.

Two days later, the heat dome in Portland roasted the stadium to a whopping 111 degrees F. I wanted to take as few jumps as possible the get myself to the higher bars. In hindsight I know that was the right call because wow, doping control took me two hours because I couldn’t pee 90ml of fluid. (90ml is the absolute minimum required amount for a drug test - and it’s not much!) In warmups my run started to feel like “Sandi” again. I hadn’t felt like that in quite a while. I entered the competition and made 4.50m and 4.60m on my first attempts, but I didn’t expect those to be my only jumps of the day.

The bar went to 4.70m and I felt like I was rolling and ready to go now, shorter poles and all. It didn’t matter. First attempt, huge blow through. Needed a stiffer pole, so I missed. Second attempt, same thing! I landed so deep in the pit I had zero chance of making that bar. “Ok” I thought to myself “the next bigger pole has got to be the one. That’s always been my money pole!” So I went up a pole a third time, and after watching Morgan run down and make 4.70m (congrats Morgan!) I knew I had to respond. At this point I didn’t even know I was already in 3rd place and on the team, in my mind, I had to make this height to qualify. (Thanks ADHD, I’m not so great at processing those things mid competition when the adrenaline is pumping.) I ran down with more confidence than I had had in a few weeks time, jumped and had plenty of height over the bar! But my energy was a bit off center and my arm caught it on the way down. I missed my third attempt. I landed in the pit and was rolling out of the landing, simultaneously throwing my hands to my head in frustration, when I heard the announcer clearly state that I was one of the three on the team.

*Cue sigh of relief*, yet I couldn’t shake my extreme frustration so quickly. I had just had a bad day at the Olympic Trials. Needless to say, I was embarrassed. That’s not the feeling I wanted to have while qualifying for my second Games.

That night I experienced just about every emotion that exists. I went through sadness and disbelief, feelings of being lost and hopeless, then anger and rage at myself. I finally fell asleep at 3 am and woke up a few hours later to the videos of my jumps. My dad had texted them to me. I hadn’t wanted to even look at them after the meet because I was so angry and upset, but after I collected my mess of a brain, I took a solid look.

I found hope.

Seeing the videos helped me realize the reality - that my approach was better than it had been in weeks, and it really comes down to the fact that the poles were just too small. That’s it. I just needed to trust the feeling that my run was good and go up poles even in warm ups, but at the time I didn’t recognize that, and I didn’t go up. I started on my small pole.

So here I am three days later, and I feel like a completely different person than Saturday night. I have had time to process my emotions, endure the roller coaster, then watch my jumps with a technical eye. I am so close to being “myself” again, I just have to stay the course.

I am determined. I am going to pick up where I left off on that third and final attempt at the Olympic Trials. I am going to push forth and forge my own path. I had a bad day at the Olympic Trials, and I was still lucky enough to snag the 3rd spot to Tokyo. That was written in the stars, and I can’t help but feel it happened for a reason. I am meant to compete in Tokyo - even the stars believe it to be so, and I’m not about to waste this chance I was just handed.

Have you ever caught a shooting star? Me either. But I’m going to try. 💫

[multifandomfanfiction]

Between the Bookshelves

TITLE: ​ Between the Bookshelves PAIRING: Javier/OC RATING: T CHAPTER: One-shot SUMMARY: Javier is back in Laredo and decides to connect with an old friend.

[A/N - Requested by @clockgirl94​. I am soft after writing this. Also any of Javi’s dialogue that is in italics is Spanish and any of Rachelle’s dialogue in italics is Italian. It’s explained why at the end of the story.]

Javier opened the door and the bell above the door dinged.

“Just a minute!” a voice called.

She came around the corner and it was like Javier was 15 years old again. Rachelle Fineschi stood there, her dark hair a tangle of loose curls. She hadn’t changed at all. “Oh my god. Javi?”

He nodded.

She squealed and ran towards him, throwing her arms around his neck.

“Hey Chelle.” She laughed.

“I haven’t heard that nickname in years!” She pulled back and the soft smile she gave him made him want to melt into carpet. “Oh! Let me get you a drink!” She flitted over to a coffee machine. She poured him a cup and handed it to him. “Black, like your boots.”

Javier laughed. “I can’t believe you remember that.”

“Ti conosco, Javi (I know you, Javi).”

With how similar Javier and Rachelle looked, most would assume they were related. With their dark eyes, hair, and olive skin tones.

But Rachelle’s family were Italian and Javier’s Mexican. They were also fluent in each other’s second languages.

The two of them were closer than friends and most people were convinced the two would get married one day.

In fact, that’s why most of Laredo assumed Javier left Lorraine. That Javier was in love with Rachelle and that’s why he couldn’t go through with the wedding.

In reality, it was because he was leaving for Colombia. He hadn’t told Rachelle about him leaving. But Chucho had assured that Rachelle wasn’t upset.

Everything he’d gone through in Colombia was worth it when Rachelle smiled at him.

“Well, come on. We have a lot to catch up on!” She looped her arm around his and pulled him deeper into the bookstore.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Javier came by the store every evening. It was nice to have somewhere quiet to relax after a day of hard work on the family.

Rachelle was cleaning up the shop, about to close for the night, when she found Javier asleep in one of the armchairs towards the back. He must have snuck in earlier.

A book was lying on the floor.

She smiled softly and walked over to him. She picked up the book and placed it on the small table next to him.

Javier started to whimper in his sleep and his hands twitched.

“Javi?” she said softly. She didn’t dare reach out and touch him. Rachelle knew a night terror when she saw one.

Both her father and her brother experienced them after coming back from war.

“Javier,” she said, her hand hovering above his face.

Javier’s hand shot out and grabbed her wrist.

She winced at the tight grip. “Javier, wake up.” She kept her tone soft and soothing.

Javier’s eyes shot open and he was gasping for breath.

“Breathe, hey breathe. You’re home. It’s okay, Javi.”

Javier’s eyes cleared and he saw Rachelle. “Chelle.”

She smiled. “Yeah. It’s me, Javi.”

Javier finally noticed that he was holding her wrist tightly. “Oh my god! I’m sorry.” He let go and felt a pang of guilt in his stomach. Her wrist was already turning red and by tomorrow there would be bruises in the shape of his fingers.

“It’s okay, Javi.”

“No! No, it’s not! I shouldn’t have grabbed you.”

Rachelle put her cool hands on his flushed face. “Hey, Javier. Look at me. I’ve been on the receiving end of flashbacks, remember?”

She’d come to school one day with bruises around her neck once. It was the hottest day on record that day in Laredo, but she’d still come to school with a cute scarf on. Javier saw the bruises and tried to confront her about it, but she’d just given him that sweet smile and thanked him for worrying about her.

She patted him on the arm and went into the kitchenette area. She came back with a cup of water and handed it to him.

He drank it slowly, the ice-cold water cooling him from the inside out. He set the cup on the side table.

“I’m okay, Javi. I promise,” Rachelle assured him.

Javier hung his head and let his hands hang between his knees. “I have done so many horrible things. If you knew the half of it, you’d never speak to me again.”

Rachelle knelt in front of him and put her hands on his knees. “Nothing you could ever do would make me stop loving you Javier.”

Her dark eyes caught his and he could see the truth shining in their depths.

“¿Me amas? (You love me?)” Javier asked her.

“Ovviamente, Javi (Of course, Javi).”

Javier smiled hearing her reply in her family’s language.

It struck people as odd to hear them talking to each other in two different languages, but for them it made sense.

Javier put a hand on Rachelle’s neck and tilted her head up, brushing his lips with hers. “Te amo, Rachelle.”

“Ti amo, Javi.” Rachelle put her hand on Javier’s where it rested on her neck and finally pressed her lips to his.

Javier knew he was going to have to leave her to return to Colombia to take down de Cartel Cali, but this time he knew someone would be waiting for him to come home.

[ghostbustermelanieking]

oddly specific memories i have of listening to tma

in honor of the finale, and because i am a sentimental asshole, i bring you this potentially uninteresting and completely pointless list. i'm gonna miss this show a lot

half my original reasoning for listening to the podcast was to motivate me to walk on the treadmill. this did not work. but i did it the first time, when i was going through the trailers and anglerfish, and i remember the room where my dad keeps the treadmill is really dark and the spooky chanting sort of freaked me out

after the treadmill, i ended up listening to the bulk of the first four episodes on the couch, and halfway through i let my oldest cat, winnie, who always lived outside (i know, i was very against actually keeping her outside) in the house. and she jumped up on the couch with me, which she literally never did. (she was very grumpy and not super affectionate.) i had that cat since i was five, and she passed last june, and i really miss her. quarantine kind of gave us the opportunity to hang out with her a lot, because we were home so much. so i'm glad these memories are kind of intersected in my mind. (below: a pic i have from that day.)

my friend sarah relistened along with me the first time around, which was extraordinarily sweet of her, and also led to some interesting interactions. for example: she forgot when it was revealed that sasha was dead, so she accidentally spoiled that for me when i asked when the others would find sasha (and i spent all of season 2 just like. anxiously vibrating over this fact). she also made this post, when i was still in like early first half of season 1, and my immediate thought was "oh no martin is dead." i hadnt even MET martin at this point

back in early quarantine, my mom had this rule that we had to do something new every day (to keep away the depression... ha ha). anyways, all i wanted to do in my free time was sit around and listen to tma (and also watch this show i was into on netflix), so i came up with some lame excuses, one of which was "i'll give myself a pedicure." this led to the memory i ultimately associate with mag 56 (trevor herbert 2) being me sitting out on our roof balcony thing, giving myself a horrendous pedicure

another time, my family wanted to go play tennis, and they brought me along and brought a hammock for me to lay in. there was this excess material from the hammock, and the sun was in my eyes, so i ended up pulling it up and over me to block the sun and creating this ridiculous hammock cocoon thing. one of the episodes i listened to that day? "tucked in."

before i ever started the show, my friend sarah stayed with me while i was pet sitting. i remember when she got there, she'd just listened to 150 and was telling me how freaky it was (she was still trying to get me into the show), and she was like "of course we're staying on a CUL DE SAC." (that was also the weekend she watched us for the first time and was very upset because i slept through the whole thing, which is scary when you're staying somewhere by yourselves.) anyways, i spent the whole show waiting for the scary cul de sac episode

while i was listening to the show for the first time, my step-dad (an artist) started painting an EYE on the door downstairs near my bathroom. a fucking EYE. he didn't finish it til i had finished the show. but still weird!!

i binged like 12 episodes in one day to finish season 4, which is not impressive at all, but it's still my personal record. i just remember staying up late in my dark bedroom (til like.... 11 i'm lame and i go to bed early), listening to like 158 & 159 & 160 and just being knocked on my ass by how good it all was... i was SUPER spoiled by this point, through my own fault, and i knew exactly what was coming, but actually experiencing it was nuts

the second week i listened live was 167, where the public release was delayed by a couple hours by accident. i spent like 20 minutes refreshing spotify, thinking it was broken, before going on tumblr and seeing what the deal was. (and 167 remains one of my favorites of s5 because i remember just going "thank god it was worth the wait.")

this one car ride where sarah and i made some of our friends listen to the first three episodes of the show. it was the middle of the night and we were just like blasting down i40 listening to anglerfish and do not open etc

the night the what the ghost episode publicly dropped was the night after my graduation, and i was sleeping out on the couch in the living room so my grandfather could sleep in a bed. it was super dark, and i am a jumpy person, and i Remember being mildly disgusted with myself because the corny sound effects were actually freaking me out. (i think i mightve actually seen something weird that night, maybe, but that's another story.)

the weekend my parents moved me into college, we couldn't get the cable in the house we were staying in, and we were all sitting around doing nothing, so i jokingly suggested starting tma with them, and they were like ok grace. my step-dad promptly fell asleep and my mom zoned out -- which is probably good, she doesn't like horror and she's super claustrophobic, so it's probably better we never got to do not open

my brief roommate in college talked about how she was into those youtube channels where people just read scary stories, so of course i was like try tma out. so she listened to the first episode on her own, and we were out one night, and she started mag 02 while i went into an ice cream place. she was into it (she kept being like open it, ya pussy) and wanted to keep listening while we went home, and even back in our room. i had only been in town for a couple weeks, and barely knew my way around, but i also didn't want to turn the gps on and be interrupted every five seconds. so i tried to find our way back on my own. it took the entirety of mag 03, and into mag 04, before i did it. so now i will forever associate across the street with all those wrong turns i took in a dark, semi unfamiliar city, trying to get back to our college without a gps

the day of the early drop for 179 was the day i moved back home from college -- a five hour drive by myself. i ended up listening to it on the final stretch of the trip, when i was super tired and it was dark and i knew it'd probably be a crazy episode. just me full blasting down i40, drinking an energy drink (which i never do) through a hole punched in the top, listening to daisy's death

186 early dropped the day after initial u.s. election day (when we still didn't know anything). my mom had set up a "watch party" in the living room with these giant air mattresses, and we all sort of spent the day crowded around the TV watching the numbers. not much of a memory, but i remember sitting on that air mattress and listening to martin's monologue in the midst of that messy week

i had a virtual therapy appointment on the day of 187's early drop, and my dad was home, so i drove to an empty parking lot to do the session in some privacy. i was trying to listen to the episode before the session started, so i ended up listening to the last half sitting in my car, in the pouring rain, just staring at my radio in shock (187 remains one of my favorite s5 episodes)

my friend sarah had just come home for winter break the day 189 dropped, and we decided to listen together, just like driving around in circles drinking coffee and listening and speculating on whether or not that was really martin

i started my relisten right after thanksgiving and was just kind of blowing through fast as i could through the whole of december. i had to go back to college to empty out my dorm, and i went to the beach after, and i ended up listening to mag 11 while just like walking around in circles in the tide pools. the closer it got to christmas, the more christmassy i wanted to keep things, so i would like. listen in the mornings and turn on one of those Netflix fireplaces and get all cozy

my other friend went with me on a mini bagel road trip in december, and he was still trying to get caught up, so we listened to mag 169, 170, and 171 on the drive home. (by this point, i was accustomed enough to s5 and smiting scenes to automatically reach for the volume controls when jude perry and jared hopworth died.)

when i relistened to mag 47, i was sitting with my cat beezus. i paused the episode to write this big long meta, so i was in a different headspace when i pressed play again. jon immediately yelled for sasha and i immediately jumped, and beezus gave me a searing glare and just got up and left

i relistened to piecemeal while i was cooking, which i thought was kind of funny and also disgusting

after christmas, i got into the habit of bringing my cat georgia into my room in the mornings, and she'd crawl under the covers with me while i listened to tma

one story i've always liked to tell from my first listen is how when i first listened to the meat arm grinder episode, my dad asked me to help him cook hamburgers later that day and explained how hamburgers are ground up (to my disgust). i hit meat grinder in my relisten and um. you'll never fucking guess what i made for lunch that day

so i had all these arbitrary rules for myself when i started tma last april, and i've broken like all of them. i started listening to tma while virtually working -- you just pull it up on your computer and it works. (i got the life scared out of me when one of my coworkers started talking over the podcast, wondering who it was that had walked into jon's office and why he wasn't reacting and why i didn't remember it.) i also started listening a lot while driving, which led to several long meta posts i wrote being typed up in a parking lot somewhere

i spent the entirety of 194 anxious-cuddling georgia. (i tried to do this for 198 and then didn't have any anxiety to cuddle her over.) i fully plan on doing this for 200, where i am sure i will need it again

my favorite place to listen to tma probably ended up being the roof room at my mom's, and unless something goes awry, this is where i will listen to the finale. (with georgia, of course.)

this list is super uninteresting, like i said, but here it is. i'm gonna miss this show a lot. i can't wait to return to it, later in life, and make all new listening memories in the process

[annegbrands]

A letter to my cyberbully

TW: Su!c!de, ab4se and over all strong language

_

You know you were actually the first, the first one to send ME that on tiktok, the first one to actually make me feel something just by sending a comment. 

Wait, not just a comment, by creating 7 different tiktok accounts just to comment on my videos AND three instagram accounts just to dm me after I blocked you. And all of this on top of your main account.

You see I have actually been bullied before, in primary school, later I isolated myself from other people during high school. Social media was my getaway, gosh I hope nobody finds those cursed images of me thinking I actually had what it took to become an influencer at the time! I hoped that I would finally find a community of people that liked what I liked, listened to the same music, read the same books, watched the same movies. In my conservative town they don’t watch that, they don’t listen to the same music, they don’t even wear the same clothes I do. Especially not those in my class, they would lock me up in closets for 30 minutes, I was quiet so the teacher wouldn’t notice. I would be thrown under one of those iron soccer goals, I could barely breathe, they’d do this after cornering me in the little pee corner the boys had in my school.

But here I was, 5 years later, almost 6, with 136k followers on tiktok, that girl I just described saw her dreams come true. I finally saw myself do something in the future and I was able to let go of things.

By creating content I was able to let go of several trauma’s that I had experienced. Some of the events that I mentioned above shaped me to become somebody who blends in easily, someone who doesn’t like the spotlight in real life, who is just part of a crowd instead of a leader, someone who needs 15 minutes before saying hi to somebody in the street. I was able to be who I wanted to be on my tiktok account.

Now I know it’s just a tiktok account, but for me creating content had so much meaning and reaching 136k made me feel like people wanted to hear me, hear my story. I finally became the leader I know I’m supposed to be, and this time I couldn’t see the judgemental faces I’d see in real life, even before they’d happen I would imagine them, and I'd just stop, or embarrass myself and leave.

You see, I'm not the type of girl to just sit there and beg someone to fight them. You mentioned you lived to fight Christians, so I made a joke and welcomed you with open arms to come and beat me up.

You took this seriously and started to threaten me on instagram and tiktok. Obviously I blocked you because I was not taking this as serious as you did.

I might be a Christian, but I’m pro choice, an LGBTQ+ ally and I 100% support BLM. I do realise for these groups that it might not be all Christians who will say hurtful things, but you don’t know which ones. So usually I don’t open up about my religion as much. Whereas your comment, I did feel a bit offended. You LIVE to FIGHT Christians? That’s just a weird statement and that’s not how we will achieve the goals we both strive for: Equal human rights.

The comment was a joke, but it did have some defence mechanism in it. 

After blocking your main accounts, you came from spam accounts and later newly created accounts that you proudly showed in your video on tiktok. I blocked those too, causing your friends to come after me. 

One of them wished my future husband to beat me senseless, they called me a psycho, they told me to k!ll myself, to ch0ke and definitely other hurtful things. I laughed before these comments, but when I read them, my heart sank. Was that how you and your friends thought of me? I got several texts not only from friends, but also from classmates, my parents and my co workers. They saw the comments, they wanted to know what happened and they asked if I was okay.

What was I supposed to say? “This girl wanted to fight Christians so I said okay come over then, and then she got obsessed and her and her friends are coming after me from different accounts that they’re creating”? That sounds like bullshit but it is exactly what happened.

I made a video on this, which made you upset. You instantly rushed to twitter to play the victim after this. Even though it might not have been you who told me those things, it was your friend. I had ‘beef’ with you, not your friends. What your friends say in OUR situation is YOUR responsibility. 

Later I saw a video you made where you mentioned your ex hit you, but yet you support and defend your friends who wish the same if not worse on me, someone they don’t know.

If you’re still reading this far, I want to thank you, actually, because this is very personal that I’m just putting up on here, because even after an entire week, I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about the things said to me, I still see you guys laughing on social media because I asked for an apology for those things, yet I’m being laughed at for basically being wished to d!e.

Yes, you won, my account got deleted. Tiktok refuses to take me seriously, they don’t read my emails, they don’t even read any message or text I write, they continuously send me this automatic email. I guess that makes you happy or excited: Wauw I got a tiktokker deleted. 

You should be proud of yourself, you got your friends to ruin my dream together. You got me to actually fall back into the routine: Another day of this lifeless life. Because again: This wasn’t just an account, it was a way for me to cope with things and move on from several things.

You mentioned I begged you for that fight. Did I though? Or did I just leave one comment. Yes, I made the two videos but I didn’t even mention the fight there, just your dm, asking for my address, and your comments, also....asking for my address. 

I guess you’re just that: A bully who thrives off of negative attention. You just need 3 friends to love you, but anyone besides that can hate you as much as you want, because you act like you don’t care and then blame it on mental issues. That’s what your behaviour towards me and your social media posts portray at least. 

My tiktok account was me being the best version of myself, my tiktok was a safe space for poc and the lgbtq+ community, my live streams were full of amazing talks with people. You took that not just from me but also from them.

So much just to prove you’re a bitter person.

I hope you’re proud, proud of yourself for ruining a person’s dream. A person who might be more similar to you then you might realise. But you refuse to realise that, because I begged you right? With one comment? I begged you with one comment while you created 7 accounts, besides your main and your spam and the two you made last night and this morning. 

But that’s it.

I have nothing to apologise for, you do. So yes, you do still owe me an apology and so do your friends. I am sorry however for your boyfriend beating you in the past, nobody deserves that (I guess you disagree on that last statement).

Have a great day, 

Anne.

[princelestatdelioncourt]

Tell us more about your mortal days...Tell us more about your time with Nicolas. Is not much explained in the books about these times and we would love to know more about Nicolas.... What did you like most about him? what did you hate? (we love Nicolas)

-smiles- First of all I am very happy to know you love Nicki. And allow me to tag here my Nicki @monsieur-nicolas-de-lenfent if he if his mun want to make an input on this. :-) I would love to, since the books are only explained on my point of view and I really would like to know his feelings and emotions during that period of time.

So in regards your questions....

More about my mortal days. There is not much more than hunting and spending time with Nicki and later on in Paris working at the theater and either can be explained in deeply if you tel me exactly what do you want to know. Becasue each moment can be explained with different emotions.

Tell you more about Nicki...what do you want to know about him? - smiles- That I loved his company and even we had deep conversations I loved his cynicism and ways of thinking even if I was not agree. I loved his dedication with music and when we composed his new songs and I tried to sleep and he kept hitting "that" note that was not perfect and there he was again over and over until it was all perfect. Sometimes I protested "Nickiiiiiiiiiii could you stop you can find that note in the morning lets just sleep now" -laughs- I pretended I hated it but actually I loved it and still makes me smile just thinking about it.

What else do you want to know about him? again this questions might have thousand answers depending on what you are really looking for. Remember, ask the right question and you will receive the right answers. Something I ave learned over the years and mentioned in the books.

What I loved most about Nicki... everything. I just can say his eyes or his dedication, its just him. The whole him, the good and the bad. The soul. Him. when one loves someone, that loved is for the whole being not just for that specific thing. I loved Nicki for everything he IS. I loved when he made me smile when I was upset becasue I always had to do thing around the Castle. I loved when we were just drunk happy and we just were unable to laugh becasue I loved to his laugh. His eyes shone, his lips on that beautiful smile. All of his shining with that happiness. I loved these moments to last forever. Also, if we get a little bit private on answers, he is an amazing lover. I have never, ever, in my whole mortal life, experienced anything like with him. I dont know still what he did to me, what he gave me, what he said, what he touched...well...lets not mention that haha....but it was such an orgasmic sensation like never before. I really dont know how to explain it with words. Universe. Big Bang. Inexplicable. And I am sorry, no sorry, for whoever heard us, if you know what I mean. Nicki is a marvelous person inside and out. Yes I know I have said about his darkness and get scared about it but back then didn't not understood. I was a naivee. I thought he was just happy and saw he had so much more deep inside. And I wished I have known all of that and hold his hand and go into this Savage Garden together learning from each other again. Learning from his fears, darkness and all his emotions. Nicki is amazing and should be more respected, understood and loved. He is NOT crazy and I hate people has that etiquette on him. Nicolas the mad man. I hate that. I hate people thinks that. Nicki is a marvel man, he was a tremendous light and soooo much love to give. He is the most deep loving person I have ever met. He is reserved and cynic yes but he has so much love and he is such a good person. I regret so much the fact that I never went to save him, I regret that so very much, I regret I left him with Armand, I see now how things were back then and I see myself inexperienced and terrified. Terrified for Nicki. I was a monster and I never wanted him to suffer in his vampiric life. I wanted him happy. I did not want him to see me a monster and get him scared and leave me. So I had to hide from him and set myself aside and pretend and act cold. and I hated that so much it ripped my soul in pieces. To see the one you love most fade away is something I do not wish to anyone. I gave my mortal life to Nicki when we were at the Village and later on in Paris. The only one by my side. The only one that loved me for who I was, for my mistakes and not be that perfect. For loving me when I needed help with the acts and he helped me to learn the words because was not able to read. He had that patience with me when not even my mother did. So for all of that and more, thats why it was so extremely horrible when slowly I saw him fading away. Thats why I have never said much about it becasue it hurts. Our fears of good and evil now present. Now me as this monster and unable to be with him anymore. I hated Magnus with all my being not for only making me what I never wanted but for breaking into pieces my life, my love and my happiness. Not even a chance to one last night with Nicki, no, he just came and kidnapped me. And I could not bare the thought of Nicki seeing me like this. How much I wanted to hold him, to kiss him one more time. But he could not see me like a monster. I never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to stick my fangs on his neck and get him. My nature screaming for blood when he was around me that night at the Theater when someone shoot at me and Nicki ran to me and he was around. I screamed to him to get away. When really deep inside I was screaming his name, I was terrified and I needed him, I needed to hold him. I needed to tell him everything is ok. And that horrible night I gave him my blood after all his suffering with the Coven of Satan, I gave him my blood with love and hope we could once again be together. To

continue our conversation forever To travel around the world together. To even complete that fantasy we had to one night play for the King Of France....I gave him my blood on an act of love. And seeing him unable t talk, move or do anything really broke me inside. I didn't know if he hated me more now, I didn't know what was going on inside of him. I could to read his mind. I felt i didn't know what to do. And I thought he hated me now for everything. That last night at the Theater when he said these words to me, I just didn't know and both of us acted with just the emotions we felt at that time. cold, hate, fear, broken love, separation....whatever it was. His eyes were fire, his words venom and i tried to see my Nicki in there and I know now he was there. He was upset and he had his reasons and I do now know, and always knew, I should have never left him there. At that moment, I only saw he hated me and I just could not bare to stay there. Why to stay if he does not loves me anymore? so I left with my mother to travel the world. And let me tell you, There was not a single night I thought about him. I had him always present and I prayed one day everything will be ok. I prayed for his happiness. I prayed that he still could feel love towards me. For all we had and went through before. I prayed that his words to sink together were not real and just words....

So there you have it anon....you made me explain more than I wanted to. With tears in my eyes I wrote this becasue these years will forever stuck with me no matter what and no matter where I am at. But i dont want to end this with a sad note. Just remember what I have said about Nicki. He is marvelous, he is beautiful inside and out. Understand him, do not hate him. Allow him to be him. He is strong, he is just amazing. And no one, none of my other 8 fledglings is like him. And they know, each one of them know what I still feel for Nicki. They understand and respect that and I am so grateful for that. I love each an everyone of them but what me and Nicki had is beyond what I had with any of my fledglings. Remember, I met Nicki when I was still mortal. We shared life together, something non of them, minus my mother Gabrielle, have experienced with me. Not even that time I was on Davids body, even these days were a wreck..different story. So even if I have said that Louis got me more deep than Nicki, perhaps is when I do not allow my "mortal" side of me to get out. So again, yes, What I had with Nicki is something no other had. its deep to the core.

[jsenvs3000]

Use Your Everyday Privilege to Help Others

Privilege comes from the Latin word ‘privilegium’, meaning a law for just one person, a benefit enjoyed by an individual or group beyond what is available to others. I believe that privilege is when you think something is not a problem because it’s not a problem to you personally. Privilege is unearned, unasked for, and often invisible benefits/advantages that are readily available to dominant identity groups.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Personally, I have experienced privilege in my life. I am white, middle class, high-school and university educated and I’m a Canadian citizen. I have also had the opportunity to work as a ski instructor and lifeguard, something I would not have been able to do if I was not enrolled in lessons as a kid.

Photo by Brian Matangelo on Unsplash

Privilege can be an uncomfortable, and even upsetting topic for many people. If you get upset when someone points out that you have privilege, that probably means you don’t fully understand what privilege is. Privilege does not mean that you’re a bad person, or that you haven’t had struggles, or that you haven’t worked hard for what you have. However, we will never be able to effect positive change if we can’t talk about our own privilege.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

“Those who have the privilege to know have the duty to act” – Albert Einstein  

In terms of nature interpretation, privilege (or lack-thereof) can be a huge barrier. Many people may want to participate in nature interpretation activities/programs but are unable due to real or perceived barriers. Such barriers may include:

Economic barriers

Physical barriers

Cultural barriers

Communication barriers

Lack of Knowledge

Fear

Photo by De an Sun on Unsplash

Addressing and overcoming these barriers creates an environment where inclusive interpretation is possible. Interpreters should strive to make nature interpretation accessible for everyone. Environmental interpreters can expand their sphere of influence by reaching out proactively to segments of society that typically feel barred from many interpretive experiences or those that benefit from specific approaches. For example:

Provide transportation to interpretive facilities

Make paths and routes wheelchair accessible

Personally invite, include, and involve minority populations

Use multiple languages and varied media

Increase staff diversity by hiring more minority interpreters

Photo by Brian Matangelo on Unsplash

“The more privilege you have, the more opportunity you have. The more opportunity you have, the more responsibility you have” – Noam Chomsky

Cultural minorities, children, teenagers, older adults, and individuals with disabilities participate more readily when interpreters make special efforts to welcome and better serve them. Furthermore, it is crucial to integrate, not separate, these minorities and sub-populations. For instance, creating a separate activity for disabled people would focus on their inabilities rather than their abilities and commonality with the group.  

Photo by De an Sun on Unsplash

“Privilege is like air. You don’t notice it until it’s missing”

Privilege can sometimes be hard to identify. For example, the ability for you to read this post is something you should be grateful for, as some people do not have that ability. Last semester I had the opportunity to help create an eBook for the university and increase its overall accessibility. We incorporated a podcast into the eResource so people who are unable to read the text could listen instead. We also edited fonts, colours, learning object descriptions, etc... to make sure the book was as assessable as possible. This experience was really rewarding for me because I knew that I was making a difference and creating a more level playing field.

Photo by Brian Matangelo on Unsplash

Privilege can be a difficult topic, but as nature interpreters, we have the opportunity to create a more inclusive environment for everybody.

Some questions for you:

How has privilege affected your ability to experience nature and the outdoors?

Can you think of another barrier that might preclude someone from participating in an environmental program/activity? How might this barrier be lessened or overcome?

Privilege can sometimes be difficult to identify. Can you think of something you take for granted that you may not realize?

Photo by De an Sun on Unsplash

References:

Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2018). Interpreting cultural and natural heritage: For a better world. CHAMPAIGN: SAGAMORE Publishing.

Fortgang, T. (2018). Checking my privilege. Privilege, 17-20. doi:10.4324/9780429494802-3

Gallavan, N. P. (2005). Helping teachers unpack their "invisible knapsacks". Retrieved January 25, 2021, from https://go-gale com.subzero.lib.uoguelph.ca/ps/i.do?p=AONE&u=guel77241&id=GALE%7CA137921591&v=2.1&it=r&sid=AONE&asid=9fe2f151

Hooykaas, A. 2021. Unit 03: Risk versus reward in interpretation. Retrieved from courselink.uoguelph.ca Website: https://courselink.uoguelph.ca/d2l/le/content/666945/viewContent/2590559/View

Thank you so much for reading my post!  I am looking forward to learning new things from your posts. All comments welcome :)

Jacob

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #315

“can’t breathe to scream  /  suffocating in this dream  /  long way down”

Who was your first big crush? I would probably say this guy in high school named Sebastian. We sat beside each other in Art, and I definitely liked him a lot. Man, my freshman-sophomore years honestly involved a handful of crushes before Jason popped into the picture and I lost all romantic interest in everyone else. Where was the first place you drove after you got your license? N/A Is it a blue sky outside right now? No. All North Carolina has known for weeks on end now is rain. We've had very rare sunny days, but for the most part, it's just gray and gross. Was your last breakup a bad one? Nah, I'd say it ended maturely and with a mutual understanding of "why." When was the last time you were surprised, in a pleasant way? Hell if I know. Is there an ice-cream flavor that you strongly dislike? Which one? Yeah, like strawberry. What was the last sitcom you watched? No clue. ^ Do you have a favorite character in that sitcom? Why is that character your favorite? N/A What does the last group you joined on Facebook concern? I am 90% sure it was this group I joined that is literally just about cute yet dangerous animals lmao, mostly reptiles and invertebrates. "Misunderstood biteybois and where to befriemd them" or some stupid shit like that. Has there been a spider in your house at any time recently? Not that I've seen, no. Do you like wearing make-up? Not at all. I only like wearing it for pictures and then taking that shit off. ^ If so, how old were you when you first started to wear it? I started consistently wearing it my freshman year of high school. Then some time later I just showed up one day without any, shocked all my friends, and then only wore it when I felt like it. What foods are you craving lately, if any? Nothing, really. What were some of your favorite foods as a child? Chicken nuggets of course, as well as spaghetti, peanut butter sandwiches, just the typical stuff that kids tend to enjoy. When you were younger, did you ever have a friend that your parents hated? No. Have you ever talked in your sleep before? That's very normal for me, especially now that I have nightmares like every goddamn night. What was the last song you heard, that reminded you of someone? Well, not a real someone, but "The Ordinary World" by the Hit House is 110% one of Fetch's soon-to-be themes. What has brought you joy today? Nothing brought me "joy," really. When was the last time you won a prize in a raffle? What was it? I actually recently won an art rafle on deviantART hosted by a truly amazing artist, like I thought I had no chance, and she's going to be drawing Moondust!!!! :'''') What is the next non-essential item that you intend to buy for yourself? I'm still paying the bulk of my tattoo in May. Is there anywhere in your town/city that's rumored to be haunted? Oh, I'm sure. When you were younger, did you ever think that a certain place was haunted? Bitch I still do lmao. What were your school meals like? Did you enjoy them? This really depended on the menu for the day. My school lunches were nowhere near as bad as some people make theirs sound, but most things still weren't great. I think school pizzas are the most notoriously bad. What kind of granola bar did you eat most recently? I had a cashew bar earlier today. Do you have any books on your shelf that you've read multiple times? I never reread books. What did your last post on social media concern? That I personally wrote, something regarding subtle racism still being racism, pretty much. How do you feel about people using graphic images as a scare tactic to promote their beliefs? (i.e.: PETA, abortion…) I have mixed feelings on this. Like sometimes seeing the brutal side of certain things is definitely useful in opening someone's mind to things they don't want to see/think about, but then there's that, too: it can just be so invasive and unexpected, and thus very upsetting and even scarring. I'd say I'm most for the "appropriate" social media route: using censorship that the viewer can decide whether or not to remove. But you obviously can't do that in like, a public protest with a sign, so idk. Which is harder for you: writing creatively or academically? Honestly, both are pretty easy for me. I enjoy writing creatively far more, though. Do you think gender neutral bathrooms are a good idea? I think it's fine to have them as an option. When was the last time you voluntarily went outside of your comfort zone? Just talking about stuff in group therapy recently. Would you ever use a dating site that costs money, like Match.com or eHarmony? Have you known anyone who had good experience with such sites? No, and yes. Do you think it’s fair that people are able to make a reasonable salary and live comfortable lives just by making YouTube videos? Yes? It takes charisma and talent in some area (humor, education, etc.) as well as consistency for it to be a reliable career, and just consider how often you hear about creators burning out. That happens for a reason. Entertainment is a valid job category and should not be seen as an unfair joke. Whether you’re in college or not, do you become fearful about whether or not you’ll find a good job? Story of my life. What is something you can only understand if you've experienced it first hand? Deep heartbreak. Do you think it's a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it's assault? Obviously. Abuse knows no gender, and hitting another person is just that. I do, however, believe in self-defense, also regardless of gender. In terms of a wedding, put these things in order from what would be MOST important to be perfect, to LEAST important... Engagement ring, dress, hair, venue, ceremony, food, pictures, decorations, honeymoon. This requires too much thinking, haha... but I do know the quality of my honeymoon would be most important to me, given that that's personal time with my new spouse and not a public celebration. I feel like what goes on behind closed doors is more important and heartfelt than how you act publicly. Do you have a go-to small talk conversation topic? Probably video games or music, idk. Define "small talk." Does anyone owe you money? Do you owe anyone money? (Besides credit cards) Mom does. She just a few days ago had to borrow $100 for rent. If someone was going to buy you any practical gift (anything except a house or car), what would you choose? It'd be dope as fuck if someone could pay for Venus' next terrarium, but that's a big purchase that I'd have a hard time accepting. How many people do you know with the same first name as you? At least one, but her name is spelled differently. What in your opinion is the best love song ever written? I'm not sure, but I can tell you that "When It's Love" by Van Halen has always been high on the list for me. Was your mother married when she had you? No, actually. I thought she was until my most recent bday, I think. It was just part of a conversation. How old was the first person you kissed? He was a few months into 18. The first person you were in a relationship with, do you still care about them? Of course, he's a sweet guy. We don't talk or anything, but that doesn't mean I don't care about him. Has anyone ever sang to you? Yes. So, what if you married the last person you kissed? That'd be pretty rad. What are you listening to at the moment? "Long Way Down" from the The Evil Within soundtrack. It's funny, like I've loved the game for many years, but I'm now in a serious semi-obsession phase after watching another let's play of it. Have you read the The Hunger Games trilogy? I only read the first book. I loved it, but just never continued. What is your boss’ (or school prinicpal’s) name? N/A Who is the person you dislike the most? That I personally know, probably a former best friend, oddly enough. Do you text your parents often? If Mom's not home, it's not unusual for us to text. I don't text my dad much because he's not a fan of texting. Do you watch YouTube videos often? Pretty much always. Do you know anyone with celiac disease? Sara, my aunt, and my cousin. Those are the ones I know of, anyway. Do you currently have any alarms set? No. How many cars can fit in your driveway? Barely even two. If someone else is here, they usually just park where the road meets the sidewalk of the cul-de-sac. Do you have the ashes of a family member or a pet? Of my dog Teddy, yes. Have you ever been involved in a car crash? Yes, as a kid. Do you prefer flash or no flash on a camera? Definitely no flash. It's more natural, and especially with people, it obviously prevents red eye. How often do you use hashtags? Just about never. Have you ever had whiplash before? No. Have you ever given another person or an animal a bath before? Pets, yes. I could never bathe another human. Is there a birdbath in your yard? No. Weirdest place you’ve ever had a cramp? Nowhere weird, I think... How many lamps are in the room you’re in? How many are actually turned on? Technically three, if you count my snake's heat lamp. Right now that's the only light that's on. Are there any activities you enjoy doing, but can only do for a short amount of time before you get bored or tired of them? Yeah, reading comes to mind first. Is there anything coming out soon (books, albums, movies, video games) that you're looking forward to? I'm not up-to-date on this stuff at all, not even video games. What is something someone recommended to you that you disliked/hated? I know Girt's recommended me music I haven't been a fan of. We like the same general stuff, but there are specific sub-genres we differ in opinion about. Can you unwrap a Starburst in your mouth? ... There are people who do this to even know in the first place??? What is the last thing you ate? Popcorn. Who is your favorite person to spend time with? Sara. Do you know how to grill a steak? I don't know how to cook, period. Do you have a large dog? We don't have a dog currently, but Mom is looking for one pretty intently. We don't know the size it'll end up being. Do you like walking places? Absolutely not. I can't walk far at all without my legs starting to scream at me because leading such a sedentary lifestyle led to muscle atrophy in my legs. It's incredibly embarrassing. Are you a fan of bands most people don’t know of? That's not uncommon for me. Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Do you think your voice is higher or lower than average? It's deeper than the average woman's. Do you have a pool? No, but I really, really want one... Given how easily I sweat, I would love to use swimming to strengthen my legs. I could also stop the very moment I feel I need to; it in general sounds like something I could quite easily do. How many times have you been on a plane? Ummm including the trips going back, at least six times. Favorite ice cream flavor? Oh my gooooood, if you haven't tried Ben & Jerry's "phish food"... fucking try that shit. It is innnnnncredible. Do you have a TikTok? Nope. Do you enjoy driving? Fuck no I don't. Your favorite store as a teen? Hot Topic was and still is my fave, ha. Favorite YouTuber? There's this one called Markiplier that I think's pretty cool. How many online accounts do you have? A LOT. My whole life is essentially on the computer, so... .-. Do you tend to always be in some sort of drama? Quite the opposite. Do you collect quarters from every state? No. When was the last time your living room furniture was rearranged? Not since we moved into this place. When you were little did you like watching Cartoon Network, Disney or Nickelodeon more? Disney probably topped Nickelodeon. I didn't watch much CN. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Either my niece or nephew when saying bye. Have you ever seen a magic show? Yes, as a kid. I even had a magician for my bday once. When was the last time you vomited and why? It's been a year or so. It would've been a side effect of starting a certain med that I didn't stay on because it so consistently made me sick. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? Either in my bed (I know) or at the dinner table if Nicole is here to eat with us. What time do you usually go to sleep at night? It's typically around 7:30-8:30, occasionally a bit later. I can't believe as a teen, it was my "rule" that I couldn't go to sleep before 10:30 because it was "too early." Nowadays, I can barely imagine regularly staying up that late. Do you avoid using public restrooms? As best as I can. I've seen some nasty shit. What’s your favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip. How basic.

[realtalkingpoints]

What happened with FB Notifications this weekend, and why do I care…???

By Staff realtalkingpoints blog

January 27, 2020 

So what did happen with Facebook (FB) notifications this weekend?  Anything?  If you look for news coverage as I have, of a major news event involving FB, you can’t find it.  I found one or two articles referencing ‘degraded performance’ in obscure publications I’ve never heard of before, and only after searching several search engines. Two articles… on something that I’m sure affected thousands, and thousands of users.  So why did some people post about their FB notifications being blank?  Why is that even a big deal, I mean, can’t you shut those off in settings anyway? What’s the big deal?

Not everyone has seen this subtle suppression technique in action, and perhaps most who haven’t, are using social media differently than those of us who have.  To turn it back a step or two, let’s talk about conservatives complaining they are being suppressed on social media.  You’ve heard this complaint, right?  Usually one of your Trump supporter friends, who’s quickly dismissed by their liberal friends as dreaming up conspiracy theories, and just brushed off because it’s publicly acceptable to not like them, ‘cuz, Trump... So, those people.  Conservatives, claiming they are being shadow banned or deboosted or censored on social media.  

I am one of those people. I will go on social media and discuss politics, usually with people who don’t agree with me.  I will openly express support for our president, Donald Trump, and make more enemies than friends in doing so.  And I will support other ideas, movements, and policies that define conservatism, by participating in conversations initiated by politicians and news personalities all over popular social media platforms.  I’ve been doing this for years, motivated not by the argument itself, but by the concern that the conservative perspective was under-represented in these online discussions, and by the realization that these online discussions were becoming the epicenter of the political discussion itself.

At the heart of it, it’s a demographics problem.  In general, conservatives are older. Not that there aren’t young conservatives, or old liberals for that matter.  But in general, most college kids want to protest something…  And tell them that college should be free, and of course most of them will agree.  As they get older, and many achieve success in career, family and finance, many of them begin to realize the value of the conservative principles they had rebelled against.  As in the college tuition for example.  Once they have struggled through the weight of the debt, and finally paid it off, there is a sense of accomplishment, and a greater understanding of the value of the dollar.   Perhaps they still hate debt, and that’s a good thing. But they have learned through experience, that debt is a temptation dangled throughout life, that can be conquered, but must be entered into carefully, and weighed against the benefits it will afford.  There might also be the eventual realization that our banking system relies on loans and interest, and the requirement that loans be paid back, so banks can make more loans and provide liquidity to the economy.  The wisdom of these experiences has simply not been achieved by the younger, ‘why can’t it be free’ ideologues.  

Ask yourself, how many 18 year-olds don’t know how to use the internet?  The answer is basically zero.  Now ask the same question of 75 year-olds?  It’s definitely not zero.  Perhaps a large percentage over 75 is technically using the internet, but many are using it only sparingly, to do email, mail order and basic browsing. The fact is, we still have several generations who grew up, went through their education, and much of their career before the internet was even invented.  Many of them are intimidated by the internet, perhaps rightly so, but they are definitely not participating in political debates on FB.  My basic understanding of mathematics suggests that the online discussions were more heavily influenced by younger, more liberal perspectives than their conservative counterparts, based on the demographics of the participants.  And as I became more and more involved in these conversations, it seemed obvious to me that this was in fact the case.  The conservative perspective was simply not getting the same representation on these platforms.  It was probably around the same time, that I also realized the social media conversations were driving the television news cycles, not the other way around.

Consider a news anchor or TV journalist with a twitter account.  Perhaps they have a show that comes on at 8 pm.  But they get a news scoop at 11 am.  Historically, viewers would hear about it at 8pm.  Today, it’s tweeted out almost as it happens.  By 8pm showtime, the news has been tossed about by everyone who approves, disapproves or is suspicious of.  I’d theorize, that the 8pm broadcast still benefits from the social media discussion.  It’s more informed and refined, having been both challenged and expanded upon as like minded followers along with oppositional personalities weigh in on the discussion.  The conversation moves forward at the speed of the internet, as passionately informed ideologues share their best arguments in support of, or in opposition to the conflict of the day.  The argument may well be settled by 8pm, regardless of how it gets reported on the individual networks.  The conclusion for me is easy.  News travels faster on social media, than on TV news broadcasts.  And this is revolutionizing news itself.  

So what does all this have to do with notifications?  Why are some people upset about not receiving notifications, and how does it relate to conservatives who think they’ve been censored?  Notifications are what you get when someone likes, shares, or responds to your comment on social media.  Think of an account you follow, that posts discussion of news events.  It appears in your news feed, and you can interact with it. You can like it, share it on your account for your followers, or you can comment on the issue being discussed. Liking, seems to be the least consequential interaction you can engage in.  When you like a post, or a comment, the ‘author’ of that post or comment will usually get a notification that it was liked.  The more likes, the more notifications, and the author gets a sense of community approval or indifference to their thoughts.  I’m sure the biggest accounts with hundreds of thousands of followers often do turn off their notifications, because it’s a given that they will receive hundreds or thousands of interactions every time they post, and to receive notifications of every one would be overwhelming.  But for the average user, notifications of likes are a positive reinforcement to their opinions.  It lets them know that they have accomplished an understanding of the issues being discussed and have expressed something that others agree with.  So why is not getting notified of likes, such a big deal?  We haven’t got there yet…

The effect that the notification suppression has on social media is at least two fold.  Many believe that it is used as a form of punishment by social media platforms to persuade accounts away from posting about topics they don’t want on their platforms.  I remember seeing a song parody by conservative social media personality Steven Crowder. (video here)  I had already experienced the notification suppression (along with other shadow banning techniques), but had struggled to find discussions from other conservatives that this was actually happening (resulting in the all too frequent ‘you’re a conspiracy theorist’ accusations).  Thankfully, Steven Crowder had turned the song into a gripe about all the suppressions and de-platforming that his video podcast had gone through. Their parody of “Man of constant sorrow” included an adapted chorus line that went something like ‘notifications don’t work for days’.  And then I knew.  It was happening, it was real, it was on purpose, and it was a punishment for content the platform developers disagreed with.  I wasn’t crazy.  Or if I was, then so was Steven Crowder, and I was in good company.  

But the effects of suspended notifications goes beyond a superficial punishment for content the platform disapproves of.  When applied to the comments of a deep debate, it has a chilling effect on the discourse being exchanged.  Take Russia collusion for example.  Some of us who followed the developments closely, realized long ago that the claims being made by leftist liberal media about the President’s alleged treasonous Russian contacts just didn’t add up.  Imagine a social media post about Russia collusion, and a discussion took shape in the comments.  Maybe there was breaking news, and the possibilities of what it could mean were being brainstormed for the first time, right there on FB.  Crowdsourcing at it’s finest.  But it was a work day, so average Joe quickly shared his thoughts in the comments section while eating breakfast.  Joe’s thoughts sparked a lightbulb in another participant who replied to Joe’s comment with the missing link to Joe’s idea.  When Joe checked his phone at work, he got the notification, read the reply, realized the missing link, added another comment with his conclusions, and a new part of the mystery was solved.  Much of Russia collusion was unraveled just like that. The major account they were both following, absorbed the developments, polished the theory, and it was ready for the 8pm news broadcast.  The information exchange had moved ahead at the speed of the internet.

So what if, Joe never got that notification…  Joe checked his phone, but there was no indication anyone had interacted with his comment.  Maybe Joe interacts with lots of posts and doesn’t have time to circle back and check them all for replies.  He relies on the notifications to tell him when it’s happened.  The next time he went on the social media site, he interacted with other posts on other topics, and never realized the missing link to complete his theory was waiting for him in the comments section, where he had participated earlier.  He never knew, so he never looked, and the discovery was never made.  By suspending the notifications, they interrupted the conversation and curtailed the exchange of information.  Whether by accident or by design, the platform developers and admins have realized that by suspending notifications, they can suppress the exchange of ideas and content.  Interrupt the dialog, and it will at the very least, slow the development of ideas and analysis.  And notification suppression likely has effects that we have not yet realized. Remember, they have all the data. They know how notification suppression effects the entire community when used in different capacities, and they are using it more and more.

So today, Saturday January 25, 2020, my notifications page on FB went blank.  I had experienced many inconsistencies with my notifications in the past.  Times when notifications for specific conversations seemed to roll in days after the actual interactions happened (perhaps what Steven Crowder was referring to in his song parody).  Also notifications about comments that don’t show up in the thread the notifications came from.  I’m sure there’s others.  Lots of games being played by the overlords with their precious notifications.  But never had my notifications page been completely blank.  Until today. And knowing the unique importance of notifications, I became quite concerned.  I posted immediately on FB, and other social media sites.  I asked if anyone else had blank notifications pages on FB.  The answers came in rather quickly.  Yes, yes, yes.  Many friends on FB said they had similar experiences today or had seen posts from their friends that were experiencing the issue.  Other platforms generated input that it was happening on FB in the UK, and seemed like a wide scale problem.  Of course many assumed it was the usual ‘technical glitch’ that so often explains the unexplained phenomena on the internet.  Yet another friend made curious observation, that I had been suspicious of.  He said something to the effect ‘all my friends who engage in partisan politics on FB are complaining about notifications today’.  It hadn’t affected his notifications, but he felt he had noticed a correlation among those claiming they had.  He thought it was affecting those who regularly espouse their political views on the platform.  

FB has been vocal about their displeasure with the politics playing out on their platform.  They have made public commitments to crack down and dissuade certain types of political content, including political ads during the election cycle.  So was this notification suppression, a deliberate attempt to punish politicos for opining on FB?  If it was a deliberate act, their timing was likely no accident either.

Today was the beginning of the President’s legal defense arguments in the Senate impeachment hearings. Today was the first day, that the President actually got to defend himself via legal representation on national TV in the impeachment charade that’s been going on for months now.  It was right after sharing a video of his legal team delivering devastating remarks and embarrassing the Democrat hoaxers that my notifications suddenly went blank.  Was my sharing a political video embarrassing Democrats, related to my notifications disappearing?  Was this the notifications punishment that FB has used so many times before but on a bigger, more obvious scale?  Were they exercising their leverage to interrupt the conversation and curtail the flow of information?   Where are the news stories about this?  I looked and looked and found very little. Did they choose today because they knew most news outlets would be focused on impeachment and therefor unlikely to spend much time on a silly FB glitch?  Surely, there were zillions of political posts on FB in recent days, as the Democrats delivered their case to the Senate.  Did they choose today specifically to send a different message? The day that the President mounts his legal defense is the day FB decides to punish users for political content…???  

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVEkDRgytCU)