#I am NOT emotionally stable enough right now for that episode lol

[doctormichaelaquinn]

If I skip The Accident on my Murdoch Mysteries rewatch then it can't hurt me. 😌

[thewriting-corner]

Linking Mental Health To Your Writing

Hello people. I am currently on deadline, and while that is making me really stressed, it’s the first time since I started this post that I feel remotely okay lol. Here’s to finally finishing it and posting writing advice- ish again (half rant, half advice). WUUUUUUU

TW: depression, anxiety, my horrifying coping mechanisms in 2020 lol

Introduction

It’s no secret that I have amazing mental health, by which I mean I’m constantly laughing at my terrible coping mechanisms,

mommy issues, and occasional depression and anxiety. When I was young(er), these are the things that made me want to write. Because I wasn’t going to therapy or talking to friends, writing BECAME my coping mechanism. It was great for some time, but after a while it began to develop some faults.

Not Sustainable

Now, I will not tell you how to or not cope with your problems and mental health. I am not a therapist or a specialist at ALL, but I do know from experience that this is not sustainable in the long term. It’s okay to write when you are sad or angry, but when you’re only able to write when you’re sad or angry, it can become a problem.

Of course, if you write as only a hobby and a way to cope with sadness, okay, you do you. But if your end goal as a writer is to make this your profession and sell books, it’s okay to take a moment and breathe. For me, I did this a lot with poetry. I only wrote poems about heartbreak and pain, and while I was okay with this being my niche, after a few months it became extremely hard to separate my poem reality from the real one. The lyrical I in my poems was in constant pain, mourning for a love she lost, but in real life? I was yes, lonely and in pain, but I still had so much to live and laugh for. I learned to wield my pain like a pen and that was great, but it took over me to the point of it actually worsening my mental health. Instead of only being sad sometimes, I would feel horrible all the time. It was no longer just the heartbreak of remembering what had inspired the poems, it became an everyday feeling that I couldn’t get rid of.

Self-Worth

My inspiration being based only on bad mental health was not only worse for my, well, mental health, but it began to affect how I felt about myself as well. Before, it was AMAZING that I’d never written a poem and then I was spitting them out four times a day. Later on, if I couldn’t write I was a failure. I sucked. Not only was I broken because I was unloved, but I couldn’t even do the one thing I had learned to do okay enough. And if I couldn’t do that, what was I even worth as a person?

The right answer is yes, yes I was, BUT bad mental health brain told me I wasn’t. And from there the only place I could keep going was down, and if you think I became a better writer for it, you are so, so wrong. It got to the point where I even gave up on poems too.

What To Do Instead

Okay so enough with the sob story. We all have bad mental health days and sometimes we take it out on the poor innocent character who was been mentioning for the last 20 pages how eager they are to create a future with their love interest. THATS OKAY!!!!!! The problem is only when you go overboard with it and are only able to write when you feel like crap.

If you are in this position, first of all, you’re awesome and deserving of love, and even if you kinda sucked you would be deserving of love. Second, if it’s something that happens often it’s time to seek help. Whether that be talking to family members or journaling or going to therapy is up to you. But turning a hobby into the only way you may remain emotionally stable is bound to become a disaster.

I wish I could give advice based on my experience, but as I mentioned before, I don’t write poems anymore. I’ve become unable to tap into that brain space that allowed me to write them. I burned out, pretty much.

Now, I’m so very sorry but I’m about to self promote lol. I’ve been pretty open about my depression episodes because, well, I have a problem with oversharing lol but also, because I’m really passionate about destigmatizing mental illness. And so, it’s no secret that my upcoming book The Sun Leads Back To You (coming April 14, 2023 hehe) was born during one of my worst depression episodes in years. So how, oh so wise Lu, is that any different than using writing to cope?

Well, my dearest reader, I did some things that helped me not fall even deeper than where I was at the time. First, I wrote what began as a not-too-sad story. I incorporated many of the aspects that had me depressed, yes, but they were secondary to the fluffy outline of the plot. What I needed when I started writing was hope, and so I began to write a story of a broken girl who gets the happy ending she desired.

I didn’t allow myself to become consumed with it. With my poems and with the other book I was writing at the time (another big reason for my starting to write TSLBTY), I became obsessed. In 2020, at the peak of my editing The Wrath of Chaos, I once edited almost 50,000 words in one week while in exam season. How? By sacrificing the one thing that kept me sane at the time: sleep and breaks. For every second I wasn’t thinking about school, I had TWoC in mind. And for every moment I wasn’t just thinking about it or studying, I was writing. Which meant I was barely sleeping or eating. It came to a point when the few hours I did sleep, I was hallucinating. And if I wasn’t hallucinating, my intense writing sessions would leave me forgetting the world of TWoC wasn’t real, and it would take me minutes to recover from the realisation that Marty and I were different people.

In hindsight, the hallucinations weren’t that bad, honestly, but it was hard sometimes to know what was dream, reality or a mix, and that really screwed me up. So when the time came to write TSLBTY, I didn’t allow myself to become so immersed in the world that I would struggle with the line between Sofia and Thomas and myself. I forced myself to have other goals and a life other than this book. Did it make it harder to write sometimes? Yes. But I’d rather be struggling to complete a deadline than forget the difference between real and fiction again.

Along with one of my previous points, I’ve made it a priority to not make it a lonely journey. Writing may be one of the loneliest professions and hobbies, but it doesn’t have to be. Having friends to lean on when a scene is hard or to celebrate accomplishments has made writing a trauma-packed story a lot easier to bear.

All that said, I truly believe the most important thing you can learn as a writer is to learn to separate your self worth from your writing. We are SO much more than words on paper (or lack thereof lol). It’s hard to remember sometimes, but when it is, I think the best we can do is take a look at other people around you. Your friends and family are not just side characters in your story - they have goals and lives and dreams, etc, and so do you. Your worth is NEVER defined by what you can or cannot do. Realising this isn’t a guarantee you won’t burnout, but it’s a least a cushion to fall on when you inevitably fail. And when you do, at least you know you’ll be okay <3

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

(pt 1) i really enjoy all your atla analyses & you've done a great job breaking down the usual arguments re how eip shows that kataang shouldn't have happened. i'm curious about your take on one specific argument that i just saw today, in an analysis of the show by a zker that was otherwise quite good and respectful (i know you've already talked about eip a lot, so no problem if you don't feel like rehashing). the premise: aang didn't just pressure katara in eip, he threatened her.

(pt 2) they point to when katara joins aang & asks if he’s alright: “aang: no, i’m not! i hate this play! katara: i know it’s upsetting, but it sounds like you’re overreacting. aang: overreacting? if i hadn’t blocked my chakra, i’d probably be in the avatar state right now!” the suggestion is he’s threatening her when he says ‘i’d probably be in the avatar state right now’ to describe his anger. i think this take exaggerates and oversimplifies it, but interested in your thoughts on it.

Hello my friend!! It is true I am Old inside and don’t like rehashing dhdlksjslks BUT your comments on my posts are always incredibly kind and insightful so I am more than willing to do a bit of rehashing for you 🥰 Besides! I’ve seen this general take before a few times and it’s always irked me for the exact reason you point out - it simultaneously exaggerates and oversimplifies the situation (and honestly that’s an impressive duality since it’s seemingly contradictory, so hats off to them lmaooo) - and now is as good a time as any to address it. So, for starters, let’s go ahead and get the excerpt they love to focus on so much:

Cut to Aang standing alone on a balcony. Katara enters and walks up to him.

Katara: Are you all right?

Aang: [Angered.] No, I’m not! I hate this play! [Yanks his hat off and throws it on the ground.]

Katara: I know it’s upsetting, but it sounds like you’re overreacting.

Aang: Overreacting? If I hadn’t blocked my chakra, I’d probably be in the Avatar State right now!

Here’s the thing about so-called analyses of this excerpt: in a manner extremely convenient to the poster, they never seek to contextualize this moment. (I mean, to do so would deplatform their entire “argument” - perhaps that’s why they avoid performing a full analysis?) So let’s avoid that pitfall from the start.

Firstly, below are some links to related posts; I’m going to do my best to summarize the most relevant parts, but for anyone who desires greater detail, I gotchu 😤

This post explains why EIP (the play, lol) is imperialist propaganda and is intended to belittle the entire Gaang.

This post explains how Aang never acted “entitled” to Katara’s affections, particularly in regard to EIP.

This post breaks down the infamous EIP kiss like Snopes Fact Checker, covering common misconceptions, important perspectives to consider, etc.

Alright. With that out the way, it’s time for some context.

Aang and Katara have this conversation on the balcony after watching 95% of “The Boy in the Iceberg,” a play chock-full of Fire Nation propaganda that demeans the entire Gaang in order to prop up the Fire Nation as superior (hence why the play ends with Ozai’s victory). Here is my general breakdown of Aang and Katara’s treatment in particular from a previous post:

- katara, an indigenous woman, is highly sexualized and portrayed as overly dramatic and tearful, because the fire nation objectifies women not of their own people and views them as less intelligent and less emotionally stable

- aang, the avatar, the sole survivor of the fire nation’s genocide of the air nomads who is incredibly in-touch with his spirituality and femininity, is portrayed as an overly-airy and immature woman. the fire nation portrays him with a female actor to demean him (like, that’s classic imperialistic propagandist tactics) and furthermore writing his character as a childish airhead reinforces the fire nation sentiment that the air nomads were weak, foolish people who did not deserve to exist in their world

In other words, these kids have just watched almost an entire play that preys upon their insecurities and depicts them using racist and sexist stereotypes about their respective nations. It is completely understandable that tensions might run a little high and that their interactions would not be as balanced as usual (Katara and Aang have a great track record of communicating well with each other, as it happens!).

So we have to keep that in mind when examining the aforementioned excerpt. But there are other factors to consider, too! Namely: they are kids. Children. Teens. Aang is 12, Katara is 14.

If we want to be scientific, a person’s brain doesn’t finish developing until they are 25, lmao, and the preteen/teen years are when the prefrontal cortex that controls “rationality,” “judgement,” “forethought,” etc. is still developing. This doesn’t mean Aang and Katara are irrational and make poor decisions 24/7 (obviously not), but it does mean that in an intense, highly emotional situation, like after watching a play that intentionally demeans them and depicts them as inferior, they are more likely to overreact, more likely to be emotional, and more likely to make mistakes. Like, I’m serious, lol. “Teens process information with the amygdala.” That’s part of the brain that helps control emotions! It’s why teens sometimes struggle to articulate what we’re thinking, especially in situations that require instinct/impulse and quick decisions, because we’re really feeling whenever we make those choices. Acting more on emotion. Our brains simply haven’t finished developing the decision-making parts, lmao.

In sum: Aang and Katara are both kids, not adults, and should be interpreted as such. This doesn’t negate their intelligence, because they are both incredibly smart and Aang is arguably the wisest of the Gaang, but they are human. Young humans. They have emotions, and we should not be so cruel as to assume they’d never act on them.

So taking that all together, we can now acknowledge the high stress Aang and Katara are under, understand why they might be upset (*cough* imperialist propaganda is hurtful *cough*), and examine how their youth might play into their emotional reactions. And funny thing - all analyses that come to the conclusion of Aang “threatening” Katara here do not usually bother with this context. I can’t imagine why!

And you know what, let’s add one more piece of context: Sokka states that Aang left the theater “like, ten minutes ago,” which is what cues Katara to go look for him on the balcony. The reason I mention this line is because to me, it suggests Aang knew he was more worked up than usual! He chose to separate himself from his friends so he could process his frustration! He did not take his anger at the play out on them; instead, he purposefully took time and space to be alone.

With that in mind, I don’t understand at all how Aang’s Avatar state quote could be interpreted as a threat? Canonly, Aang is someone who was aware enough of his frustration to separate himself from the others - yet the logical next step is him threatening Katara as a result? He knew his intense emotions were because of the play (which he says himself), so the logical conclusion is that he then pinned the fault on Katara? What?? Sorry, that interpretation has no textual basis, lmao. But I digress!

Aang tells Katara, “If I hadn’t blocked my chakra, I’d probably be in the Avatar State right now!” As you said, this is the line people point to in an attempt to justify their (baseless) conclusion that Aang is “threatening” Katara. So let’s bring in the two key pieces of context: imperialist propaganda and age. Given that Aang is 12, and given that Aang has just watched almost a full play that demeans him and everything his people stood for (and let’s not forget it also mocks his and Katara’s love for each other)…

His reaction is understandable. An exaggeration and needlessly dramatic, but understandable. He feels vulnerable and insecure and Aang is human. He is human and flawed and he overreacts here and I love that A:TLA shows how even our heroes, even people who are truly good at heart and in soul, can get overly upset (especially given the aforementioned circumstances!). Would Aang actually be in the Avatar state at that moment, had it been possible? Of course not! He’s young and he’s hurt and as such he says something dramatic to convey his anxieties and frustrations. The line is not meant to be taken literally, and seeing people do so despite all the factors that should be taken into consideration when analyzing it… Cue a long, tired sigh from me and so many other A:TLA fans.

And to be honest? I cannot fathom how people watch this episode and come to the conclusion that Aang is “threatening” Katara. To me, this episode - besides being a recap episode - is one that humanizes our cast even further. Aang snaps at Katara, kisses her when he shouldn’t (which the story appropriately treats as wrong). Katara pushes down her true feelings and retreats into herself, afraid to start a relationship with the boy she loves because she’s already lost him once before and can’t bear to do so again. Zuko further confronts the hurt he’s enacted upon others, especially upon Iroh. Toph practices being vulnerable and accepting vulnerability from others by conversing with Zuko. Sokka witnesses how others have erased his contributions and labelled him as nothing more than the token nonbender in the group. Even Suki learns that she is not the only person who holds a place in Sokka’s heart and that she can never replace what he has lost.

To watch this episode where our heroes must come to terms with how the Fire Nation deems them inherently inferior, with how they have more fights to overcome in the future with the Fire Nation than a single war, and to come to the conclusion that… that what, Aang is abusive? A monster? Irredeemable? That he would threaten his best friend, someone he loves in every way?

Wow. That says more than enough about the viewer, doesn’t it?

[mysticdragon3md3]

I find it endlessly amusing how after 10 years, my OTPs have circled back onto the same type. lol

I realize the Blue Lions have Dedue, and Ashe used to be a commoner. But Ashe got adopted into a higher class. Meanwhile, the Golden Deer has 3 commoners who stay commoners.

And Yukimura probably had commoners serving under him, but Sengoku Basara (2009) takes a lot of time to emphasize that Masamune's commoner associates are named, get screentime, voice his effect on them, and spent time closely serving under him. Meanwhile, Yukimura's only named subordinates seem to also be lords or ninja, more than basic commoners.

When referring to "self-doubt & a phase of failing as a commander", I'm specifally referring to Sengoku Basara (2009) season 2 for Yukimura. That's pretty much most of what he does that season. And he made a critical decision error as a commander that got one of his major subordinates killed and probably also unnecessarily killed some of his other soldiers. Though I am vaguely aware that in one of the videogames, Yukimura similary spent most of the story in self-doubt, after thinking Takeda was dying, and I think he ran his army around doing actions without enough thought.

And of course, with Dimitri, I'm referring to his post-time-skip phase wherein he went full "boar" and refused to properly lead his army. Though after regaining more mental stability and becoming a proper general, he still gets haunted by self-doubts for the rest of his life.

When I spell "Strength" with a capital "S", I'm usually shortening my term "True Strength" and referring to both a mental and emotional fortitude, resilience, and frequently an iron resolve in Compassion. That's just my personal philosophy in defining "True Strength". Personally, I see 2 definitions of "strength" that both converge at Compassion, to define "True Strength". 1) In an amoral sense, strength is resilience in maintaining one's own "soul pattern"/emotions/resolve, without being swayed or influenced by outside forces to change. 2) In terms of defining strength as the ability to do what is most difficult, in my opinion, Compassion is the most difficult. Not only do acts of Compassion often cost a range of efforts from some to exorbitant, but it can also require the enacter to put themselves into a vulnerable position. So it is often something only the strong can afford, or survive, or disregard fears of being vulnerable or taken advantage of. Therefore, in my personal opinion, converging the 2 definitions into an unwavering resolve in Compassion, is my personal definition of "True Strength".

So when I categorize Date Masamune as having Strength, I mean he is unwavering in his resolve towards Compassion. Sengoku Basara 2009 takes a lot of instances to reiterate that Masamune cannot be swayed, his Resolve is unquestioning, no one can stop him, slow him, or change his mind. His catch phase is "pressing onward" (translated as "full speed ahead"). One of his first scenes is charging ahead, disregarding Katakura's warnings for caution. (Notice that in Judge End, this is framed as foolish brashness, but in Sengoku Basara 2009, Katakura smiles and continues following without worry, because he completely trusts Masamune's instincts and decision-making. Because everyone trusts Masamune 2009 to always make decisions based in the best ideals/Compassion.) This is reiterated throughout season 2, when Masamune makes allies and each of them ask him to change directions, but the most they can do is temporarily slow him down, because he doesn't stop moving forward. This Strength directed in outward Compassion towards others is almost unexpected after considering Masamune's historical backstory. One would think that someone betrayed by his mother would become disillusioned and spiteful towards the world. It's a basic supervillain backstory to be betrayed by a trusted figure, especially during fundamental development. But instead, Masamune seems to want only to protect others and bring the whole country under his command, so that the whole country of people can be under his umbrella of protection. The 2009 series only mentions his regret from one of his early battles where lots of his soldiers died, being his major motivation in protecting others, specifically his soldiers. But I've headcanon'ed a lot that can be extrapolated from his historical backstory, that when in conjunction to his actions in Sengoku Basara 2009, portrays a Masamune who has dedicated himself towards Compassion, despite his tragic backstory.

Similarly, Claude's backstory is tragic, yet he emerges with True Strength. I've heard criticisms within the fandom that Claude growing up experiencing so much bullying and discrimination against his being biracial, could not believably yield a person dedicated towards Compassion. But I think that's just brainwashing from too many supervillain tropes telling us that traumatized and mentally ill people invariably become villains. I've heard it's more realistic that people who have experienced trauma, tragedy, or some kind of pain, actually are more likely to increase their ability to empathize/sympathize with others, consequently becoming more compassionate. (Mentioned in https://youtu.be/bHe2seINnE0 at 2:03/9:09; https://youtu.be/zaZYDK1RcEU) Claude experienced descrimination and bullying; he explicitly explains in FE3H canon that he wants to create a world where no one else has to experience that same pain. I really don't see why this can be an unbelievable characterization to some people, when most of the world admires Batman for literally that same reason. And I think that characters, like Claude, who react to trauma and hardship with altruism, demonstrate a True Strength in their characters. They haven't been broken by their trauma. They not only survive, but survive as people who still want to care for others. (Also why I love Natsume Takashi.)

I was tempted to include Dimitri in the category of "Emerged from tragic backstory with Strength and vowing to make world where no one will experience same pain". But he didn't emerge with the same level of flawless Strength that Masamune and Claude did. Dimitri certainly did resolve to protect others from ever experiencing the pain that he felt, after the Tragedy of Duscur. But he was also not as mentally stable. He was so repressed and internally conflicted (concerning his feelings of vengence, or sadness that didn't know how to be expressed as anything but anger, lest he break), that he didn't integrate his "boar" impulses/emotions until much later in his post-time-skip. I didn't feel that Dimitri was a fully reconcilled version of himself, until after he had accepted his "boar" emotions, stopped repressing his unresolved anger, and learned to express them more appropriately or at more appropriate times. After he became more mentally/emotionally stable, I have no doubt that he still can have episodes of rage, anti-social moods, or crippling survivor's guilt, but I think he no longer allows those feelings/episodes to push away the people he cares about or disregard his true personal desires to be kind/protective towards others. He knows how to deal with those feelings now. But he spent a long time not yet at that stable level, until much later. Until then, he was frankly wavering, conflicting with his personal resolve, denying his own ideals, and allowing his survivor's guilt manifesting as ghosts to sway him away from his true desires/motivations/values of Compassion. Dimitri was Weak for a time. So I can't say that he was in the same category of Strength as Masamune and Claude.

Dimitri's backstory of his father's death and idolizing Rodrigue, after he took him in, is information he canonically tells the player.

But I realize that Sengoku Basara 2009 never actually mentions a backstory like this for Yukimura. I'm actually referencing the takarazuka version of Sengoku Basara. In that play, they include a childhood backstory scene, where Yukimura's father was a subordinate of Takeda and died while protecting him. Young Yukimura blamed Takeda for his father's death and went to punch him out. Because Takeda understood that Yukimura needed catharsis and was trying to reconcile with his grief, Takeda allowed himself to be punched. But he also punched back. I think maybe to encourage Yukimura to keep going? I can't remember. But eventually, Yukimura punched out all his anger and only had energy left to finally cry, and Takeda said something that comforted him. From then on, he called Takeda "Oyakata-sama" and became completely devoted to him. This explained the origin of the running gag from the 2009 anime, wherein Takeda and Yukimura engage in fist fights as a form a bonding. (It's a shame that the video of these scenes was taken off YouTube. ;_; ) I don't know if "Sengoku Basara Sanada Yukimura-den" mentions how Yukimura's father dies, since he finally appeared in that game. So I'm referencing the takarazuka version.

There isn't really mention of Masamune's mother in the 2009 Sengoku Basara anime. The closest, was Masamune's maternal uncle appearing in the movie "The Last Party" that ended that anime series. But historically, after the real life Date Masamune survived smallpox at a young age, and lost sight in his right eye, there was a lot of dissent among the other high ranking people within his clan, concerning his continued position as the Date clan's head. A lot of this dissent was lead by his mother, who insisted that Masamune's younger brother should become the new clan leader instead. Some accounts say that to shut up accusations that Masamune was weak and that his faulty eye was just an advertised weakness that enemies would take advantage of on the battlefield, Masamune either pulled out his own right eye or ordered Katakura to do it. Apparently, that shut up everyone except his mother, who still continued to try undermining his position. I don't know if there was one instance of several, but she also tried to kill him through poisoning, to replace him with his brother. Because of this, Masamune's only choice was to kill his own little brother, which forced his mother to run back to her original clan. (I can only assume that Masamune didn't just kill his mother, because it's possible she indoctrinated his brother to ursurp him. So Masamune might have ended up eventually needing to kill his brother anyway.) Lots of us in the Sengoku Basara fandom like to headcanon that all of this happened for the Basara version of Masamune too.

It's my understanding that Cornelia implicated Dimitri's stepmother in the murder of his father and friends at the Tragedy of Duscur, but that things were still left canonically vague. Personally, the fact that Patricia was always kind to Dimitri, combined with the fact that Cornelia is proven duplicitous, I find it difficult to believe that Patricia intentionally betrayed Dimitri. The way Cornelia described it, she offered Patricia a chance to be reunited with her daughter Edelgard, Patricia confirmed that desire, then the Tragedy of Duscur happened. Given that Cornelia was already doing terrible things behind Patricia's back, like experimenting on Hapi, and Patricia being angry at Cornelia when she discovered Hapi, I doubt that Cornelia would have been fully truthful with Patricia. I imagine Cornelia tricked Patricia into opening a path or lowering some defenses to "allow a clandestine meeting with Edelgard", but then Cornelia would probably use it to sneak in enemies to kill Dimitri's father and friends. That's my headcanon theory on the Tragedy of Duscur anyway. So Dimitri was only *possibly* betrayed by his mother figure.

And that's my comparison between DateSana and DimiClaude/DMCL/ClauDimi. It continuously amazes me how similar these ships are and how my shipping has come full circle. lol

[what-a-messsss]

2x1 rewatch

My poor Netflix is so confused.  I’ll hop on my phone to see if I can find a detail in an ep and then it’ll try to start the show again at halfway through 4x7 or the end of the finale, and I have to figure out what ep I’m actually looking for.

All aboard for “Unquiet Mind.”

Ok, realizing that Jacob and Vic are both ‘play with the radio’ types and Henry and Walt are both ‘or silence’ types is probably a bit funnier to me that it should be.  Didn’t really expect to be finding character parallels between those two.  

BAAAABY!  I totally forgot about the baby buffalo!  Eeeeee!  

Interesting that the prisoner (whose name I have totally braindumped, whoops) knows that Walt would know about the meaning of the white buffalo to the Cheyenne.

$10 says that doctor agent is a redhead because of Starling.  For being 2% of the population, redheads sure do make up a disproportionate part of fictional character real estate.  (I say with lots of love for Cady...)

Also, I feel offended on behalf of both the Red Pony and the Busy Bee by the sign Cowboy’s Corner claiming they have the best food in 3 counties.  Piffle.

“Progress.  Prosperity.  People.  I’m Branch Connally, and I can alliterate.  Vote for the PP People.”  Shut uuuuuup.  Jacob, I’m blaming you for this.  If it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t have had the money to be annoying us even when he’s hours away.  Boooo.  (I mean, obviously also blame Barlow, but that’s more of a ‘with a shovel to the face’ kind of blaming, rather than an eyeroll and calling ‘boooo’ at the screen because your fav was a pain.)

Ah ha, title drop.  I haven’t really paid that much attention to the episode titles, I’ll be honest.  This is the only title drop I can actually remember other than Jacob’s line about “Dogs, horses, and Indians,” although it still bothers me immensely that the episode title doesn’t have the Oxford comma, omGs.  

Durrel’s discoloured eye is really good.  I’m guessing a scleral contact lens?  Just different enough to be noticeable and a little off-putting without drawing too much focus.  It keeps the mental discomfort we get from it just around the unconscious level.

That’s right!  Ruby is out of town!  Min and I decided that she was at a conference in Idaho Falls, since we had already said that her family lives in Texas, and I like the idea of her also doing vocational enrichment training and keeping on the cutting edge of her wheelhouse of policing.  She’s a heckin’ boss, and I adore her.

This is the most random thing in the world, but that’s sort of my wheelhouse... Does Katee Sackoff have a scar on the tip of her nose?  Because I swear at 9:09-11 it looks like it.  Not that it matters, but I’ve never noticed it any other time, and now I’m really curious.

Ope, longer hair Henry in this flashback.  With emotions and it’s killing me.  I also didn’t think about the fact that the Halfmoon’s were talking to the white police instead of (in addition to?) the tribal police.  Though that would have been during Malachi’s reign, since it was 4 years ago.  Oof.

Is that a gas fire?  Because if that’s one of the lines on fire, isn’t the whole place in serious danger of going up in a massive explosion?  There was an explosion like that locally last year and it took out the whole station and killed two people.  Please tell me they called in the fire as soon as they saw it when they were pulling up.  (Of course they didn’t, who are we kidding.  It’s these two.)

So they’ve been driving along with their lights on, pull up maybe 8 feet from the abandoned prison van...  explain to me why he turns his headlights off at that point?  Anybody waiting to ambush them is going to have their eyes more adjusted to the dark, and these two loose the light and there is already no element of surprise because they pulled right up to the van.  Why did you turn the lights off, Walt?  I mean, maaaaaaybe the headlights being on would have reflected off of the van windows and make it harder to see inside?  But that is not particularly good reasoning, I feel.  (Meta guess being that the director/whomever figured that the lights off left them in a colder colour palate and heightened the drama.  Which... they’re not wrong.  But whyyyyyyy would Walt turn them off, not the director?)

“Come on out and I won’t shoot you!” prisoner McGoober yells, having just tried to take Vic out with a shot to center mass.  Ok, sure buddy, we believe you.  The laser sight catching the falling snowflakes does look cool.

Good use of an elbow, Walt.  I’m not actually sure if it was supposed to be a punch but wasn’t lined up great with the camera, but I’m ruling it an on purpose elbow, because Walt is absolutely a dirty fighter, and an elbow is more likely to lay somebody out if you’re close enough.

Oo, what amazing precautions you’re taking.  You actually grabbed a scarf.  And my gods, gloves.  ...work gloves?  Which I know from experience save next to no heat, what the hell, Walt.  I just... why hasn’t he closed his fucking coat??  ::screaming::  Staving off hypothermia isn’t emasculating, you KNOB.  Well at least the snowbunny actually brought a flashlight.  How forward thinking of him.  And has zipped up his coat.  Lawd.

Ew, I just agreed with Branch.  :(  How dare the writers make that happen.

And in strolls Agent Pretty von Douche to make everything just that much more annoying.  Special Agent in Charge Towson, FBI.  Burrpaderrpaderp. Myeh.  

Such special, very agent, much in charge, wow.  >insert doge meme here, lol<

“Whose in charge in his absence?”  Hmmmmmmm.  They ended the shot on Vic, and the look on her face is just... prophetic for how I figure she handles being in charge when Walt abruptly decides to fuck off into the wilderness for the Treasure Hunt portion of his Manly Midlife Crisis, before they can have an election.  Lol.  Womp womp.

Dang, spit strings dangling from your stubble is... uh, a look.  >.>  Did you know that your nose is one of the first parts of you that tends to get frostbite?  And that we know you have a scarf?  (Yelling at Walt is my new hobby.  It’s not a good hobby, but it is mine.)

HI HENRY.  Great, you’re at the hallucinating part of the fieldtrip.  Not that I’m complaining, because even your imaginary Henry is more sensible that you will generally let yourself be.  (Also, he’s pretty, and I am very shallow.)

Yeeee, one of the only poems that I actually have memorized.  Lovely Robert Frost.  Though Robert Burns would also be quite apt.  And miles to go before I sleep and all.  

“The cavalry has arrived.”  Henry is so fucking droll.  I can just imagine the little kernel of muted glee he has at the irony of using that phrase.  I adore him.  “We ate,” says von Douche.  Honey.  Booboo.  

Fuck off, von Douche.  He’s so In Charge.   Burrpaderrpaderp, pthb.  “Any request for activities will go through me.”  That’s so cute.  And Henry’s look would kill you at a thousand paces.  

It does annoy me that Vic keeps calling him Walt when talking about him with the fibbies.  Like, we get it, you’re real close with your boss, but you might get more traction with them by reinforcing the fact that he’s a fellow law enforcement officer and the head of your department by calling him the Sheriff rather than broadcasting how unprofessional you both are.  

Bless Ferg for actually speaking up, though.  Branch just falls in line without a peep (though if I remember, he’s plotting his own little insurrection.)  And Henry is just quietly in the background, gathering data and being invisible as he decides to be.

“I don’t like your tone.”  Well I don’t like you FACE.  That’s actually a lie, it’s a very nice face.  But you’re just such a douchecanoe.

For all that Branch is a rusty wingnut, he does occasionally have decent observational skills.  And he is less emotionally riled, so he sees that Henry is planning something while Vic is too busy fuming.  I’m wondering how that lands with Ferg/why he doesn’t notice, and I think he’s still just isn’t very good at thinking out of the box yet.  Or seeing stuff that’s out of the box.  He definitely gets better about it as time goes on, but it’s an interesting thing to think about as far as his character development.  He’s focused on what he can think of to help, and isn’t expanding that to see thinking about what others might be able to do to help, which Branch does, but Vic doesn’t.  

The gunshots in the cabin and the lever action rifle and all are taking me straight to the beginning of Red Dead2.  Sadie, is that you?  Nope, it’s Omar, aaaaahahaha, I forgot he was in this.

I love that Henry keeps his saddle at home/the bar.  I don’t know why I’m surprised, though.  Maybe figured that he’d keep it where the horses are stabled, I guess.  But I can imagine him keeping it close in case, and cleaning the tack and oiling the saddle as a way to unwind after a hard day or something.

Heeeeehehehe, the look on Henry’s face when he leans in to Branch and goes, “...supporting the FBI.”  Such a beautiful way of expressing how very little he thinks of Branch without ever having to say it.  “Right now, I am the sheriff.”  You are so deeply obnoxious.  And do not play nice with others.

And here’s Walt with his circumstantial evidence, laying out his assumptions, and being right, which is all good and such now, but he is so in the habit of doing this shit and being right that he cannot accept when he isn’t right about things.

Well at least Omar has his place stocked for the weather.  I know I fall farther on the ‘over prepare’ end of the spectrum, but Walt not having better gloves in his truck in the dead of winter makes me roll my eyes so dang hard.

This hallucination of Fales is a fascinating bit of character study both for Walt and for Fales.  Walt’s subconscious effectively calling him out for his suicidal tendencies with not there Fales asking him, “Are you looking to get yourself killed?” is more honesty than it seems like Walt tends to allow himself.

ASAC Hall is actually better at dealing with people like a human, but von Douche isn’t actually wrong.  Vic is understandably pissed by the withheld information, but she does stomp around like a bull in a china shop and pretty much never stops to think.  Maybe they all would have gotten farther if von Douche or Hall had asked the night before if the locals had other options, but unlikely.  

I FORGOT SHE PUNCHED HIM.  The look on Hall’s face was priceless.

Eeeeeee, I do love that Walt left a trail, knowing that Henry would be coming after him.  Branch’s comments to Henry show that while he can observe people and sometime predict how they’re going to act, he can’t really understand why they’re doing it, if it’s beyond his own lens of experiences (which are pretty fucked up).  Whether it’s cynicism or just stunted empathy, conceiving of someone’s motivations being selflessly altruistic are just beyond his ken.  That’s pretty sad, honestly, and makes me hate Barlow even more.  Everything in Branch’s life has been transactional, calculated.

Oh, and now he pulls something up over his mouth.  Ok.  Great, into the water.

I fucking love Ferg.  His gleeful awe over Vic hitting Towson literally made me press my hands to my face, giggling.  And he’s such a good friend.  And she’s such a pill.  I get that she’s feeling guilty and hurting, but it takes no effort not to take it out on Ferg.  How easy would it have been to say, “Somebody has to keep working on finding them.  Go back inside, Ferg,” instead of “You have to get out of here,” and just running him off like a jerk.

Cady having cut off contact with Walt gives me life.  AND THEN his shitty self-protecting LYING brain comforts him by having her say, “You were only trying to protect me, Dad, I get that,” because that’s what he keeps telling himself to excuse taking her agency away and lying to her for at least a year, and continuing to manipulate her!  GAAAAAH!  “I can’t lose you...”  THEN CHECK YOUR DAMN SELF, DISASTER BOI.

I’m not sure if hallucination!Theo telling him that there was nothing he could do is a sign of a healthy recognition of that, or the same kind of lying to himself because it’s what he wants to hear that he’s done with Cady?  The “...but I knew someone was coming to help me,” rather smacks of the latter, since earlier in the ep Walt says that that’s what he would want to know if he were held hostage.

I have decided (with my shippy goggles firmly in place, if not molecularly fused to my face) that him doubting that Henry is coming to help him is what makes him realize that he’s getting hypothermia.  Because the idea that Henry wouldn’t be coming to get him is so utterly ridiculous that clearly his brain is on the fritz.

The fact that the phone works after his dunking is also a minor miracle.  I know I said earlier that Walt is a dirty fighter, but oof, he’s the one who just took a dick shot.  I mean, that’s one way to use a cell phone.

Again, not super sure what it says about Walt for him to imagine Theo watch him in the process of killing Durrel.  Poor Henry.  That whole mess would have been incredibly stressful.  Your jackass boyfriend is way high maintenance in rather spectacular ways.

[criticalrolo]

What do you think about caduceus rs with the others atm? Bc I feel like it's Very Not Good and I feel like he's about to snap. They never really ask him anything or try to find out anything about him (jester's a bit of an exception but not really, he has the best rs with him tho I think). I feel like he's especially bad with nott atm, she never apologized for anything, is now joking about it and he chose to heal the caedogeist over her...... can't wait for The Drama

I personally don’t think he’s at the edge of snapping right now -- I’ve seen this opinion around after the episode where he told the Gentleman he’s lonely and after Taliesin talked about that a bit more this week on Talks, and to be honest I’ve had the impression that Caduceus has been lonely since his introduction 60+ episodes ago. It’s just recently that he’s been showing it a bit more obviously, and it’s finally something that’s being noticed. The Mighty Nein are wonderful but they’re all pretty messed up emotionally and it can be really hard to look past your own emotional distress to notice someone else’s, especially if they’re going out of their way to hide it. I want to give Caduceus credit here -- he’s very perceptive, like WAY more perceptive than the average person, so he’s been able to notice how the others are hurting, and I think he’s been using helping the others as a shield for his own problems. I also think that on some level Caduceus is aware that he’s doing this and so if no one notices his problems while he’s actively trying to hide them... that’s not something that I think he’s going to blame the others for. 

From an outside perspective, OBVIOUSLY I am DYING for someone to see what he’s doing and try to get past his barriers and maybe give him a new perspective on things he’s worried about (his family missing/not contacting him/possibly all dead, the Blooming Grove being corrupted, the general struggle of trying to be the only stable person to lean on in a group of unstable people in a highly stressful situation). In game though it’s going to take some trust on Caddy’s part to let anyone start to see how he’s struggling. He’s definitely reaching the point in game where the stress might spill out soon, but I want to think that Caduceus cares about and respects his friends enough that he’ll try to find support before he explodes. 

It’ll probably be messy since he’s not used to opening up about his own issues but I think the difference between Caduceus and Scanlan from C1 for example is that Caduceus is probably aware on some level that his avoidance and repression is actually a problem that he’s struggling with, instead of like how Scanlan took a while to recognize his own part in his emotional issues. It’s that 20 vs 7 wisdom at work, where Caduceus is better equipped to recognize that his emotional issues/loneliness are becoming a genuine problem for him, and he can empathize with how his friends are perceiving him/not noticing how deep his issues run. 

As for the Nott/caedogeist thing I think that was actually mainly about trying to win the caedogeist over as a friend and Nott actually hadn’t taken that much damage in the fight, but Caduceus and Nott probably SHOULD have a talk since yeah she never did apologize for actually killing him and Caduceus is probably going to have to be the one to start that conversation because... Nott’s not going to do it. (That’s a whole DIFFERENT conversation about Nott’s repression and her unhealthy coping mechanisms lol) 

ANYWAY to summarize I think Caddy’s in a bad spot but I think he knows he’s in a bad spot which is honestly not bad as a first step towards getting some help and avoiding an emotional breakdown, so we’re all probably just going to have to play it by ear and see what happens!

[asagimeta]

Batwoman: Don’t Believe All The Negativity

So Batwoman premiered tonight

It's about an out-and-proud lesbian, played by an out-and-proud lesbian, with several major cast members- INCLUDING the main love interest- being POC, and it's very gay, this is not your "Power Rangers- let me quietly hint at being gay for One Scene and never mention it again" type of representation, there's lots of kissing, "I love you"s, goofy initial carvings, and serious issues like homophobia in the military and lying about your sexuality to avoid persecution

This is Tumblr bait if I've ever seen it so imagine my surprise when I barely get a few scrolls into the tag and already see people hating on it for not being queer enough because Sophie is married to a man

Hahahha..... I'm pissed

Allow me to advise ya'll to sit down as I explain why this is the OPPOSITE of a problem

First of all I cannot believe that on TUMBLR of all websites I actually have to explain to people that being in a heterosexual relationship- even married- does not automatically cancel out your queer ship

Shows have been putting their charectors through divorces and widowing for decades and it isn't going to stop now, in fact, I'll be THOROUGHLY surprised if The Husband makes it to see the end of the season

But I digress

We'll come back to shipping later because right now I'm going to tackle the biggest problem I have with these "You guys are making her straight!!!!" posts I keep seeing: CLOSETING. DOES NOT. ERASE. QUEERNESS.

I cannot believe I actually have to say this at the home of ships like Destiel, Sterek, and whatever the fuck legion of ships that Voltron produced but being in a straight relationship does not make someone less queer, ESPECIALLY if the relationship is fake, and ESPECIALLY if they have been ALREADY CANONICALLY SHOWN TO BE QUEER

Look I ship Destiel and Sterek and Supercorp too but "closeting" is a THEORY for these ships- with Sophie, it's CANON, she was in a canonical relationship with another girl where she kissed her and said she loved her and planned a future with her and the only reason she's not still with that woman is because was threatened to be kicked out of the military for it, I cannot process how the home of "They're in a straight relationship because they're closeted" is actually trashing this

But even THAT'S irrelevant because I can already hear some of you screaming that you don't ship any of those things but listen to me: Closeted charectors are just as important as out-and-proud charectors are

We live in a world where people are STILL being murdered for their sexuality every single day, where kids are still being sent to conversion therapy, still being kicked out of their houses, still being forced to be in straight relationships out of fear for their LIVES if they aren't- and fear for their jobs, their families, and everything else

I bought my first pride flag yesterday and hung it up today and legitimately my first thought was "gee, I hope this doesn't attract any crazy Trump supporters who are going to light my house on fire" but I did it anyway because I have supportive parents and have NEVER made my sexuality a secret and anyone who talks to me for ten minutes is PROBABLY going to hear atleast 1 "lol I'm bi" joke and I haven't been threatened with bodily harm for it YET so I figure I'll atleast probably live through the night

Other people aren't that lucky

For as important as it is for out people to have our Kate Kanes, it's JUST as important for closeted people to have their Sophie Moores

Please don't take away from the fact that the CW is trying to give that to people just because it means The Ship isn't happening Right Here Right Now

Please don't try to take away Sophie's queer identity because of being closeted

This plot development gurantees us atleast a season of Sophie exploring her identity and circling back to the question of "Do I really value being a member of something that's going to hate me for who I am over the woman I love?", we're going to have a season of her exploring what her identity means to her and we're going to get a really great juxtaposition between one lesbian who's out and proud and telling the story of pining for a lost love and how to navigate Queer Problems being out, and another who's closeted and afraid and in love but doesn't think she can return and how to navigate Queer Problems being closeted

That's GREAT??????

Why are ya'll complaining??????????

That's not something that we get very often???????

Also by arranging Sophie's story this way the CW is trying to AVOID giving us the same problems we always complain about like tokenism and Burry Your Gays, let's be totally honest here, if Kate and Sophie started off in a happy relationship and stayed that way through the beginning of the show, then for Conflict Reasons something way worse was going to have to come along and ruin that- like, you know, probably death? Or cheating, or a petty fight, or Sophie being evil....

This gives us a really NUANCED reason for why there's a story of pining and trying to get back to eachother here

Much like Alex and Maggie in Supergirl, the writers were clearly trying to take care to give us what we needed from a plot standpoint WITHOUT shoving gross stereotypes and tropes down our throats or making one person out to be The Bad Guy in the relationship, because yes you can read Sophie that way, but I think anyone who's ever been closeted can probably sympathize with her about this, esepcially as we don't know the nature of her home life, yes she signed the Gay Lie Document so she could be in the military but we don't have any indication that that was her only reason for giving Kate up so easily

For all we know, going home with Kate may not have ever been an option to begin with

And it's really hard to blame someone for risking their life and the life of their partner for wanting to be Out, especially if they were raised to believe that queer = bad, but I'm getting off topic

Instead of doing what alot of superhero stories do and fridging Sophie- making Kate's reason for doning the cowl to be revenge for her dead lover, they gave us somethin much tamer, something that will last all season but without lowering the number of main queer charectors on the show, they used the same trope that The Straights always use about becoming a superhero For Love but they did us one better because The Girlfreind isn't dead like she would have been in.... SOME.... stories....

But I promised to get back to shipping and here we go-

Aside from the fact that they're priming The Husband to get killed off early on just by virtue of existing (an unimportant charector who will greatly emotionally impact the love interest and create an opportunity for her to pursue the main protagonist, possibly even becoming a hero or a vigilante in her own right for revenge) there's also the fact that Sophie is hardly Kate's only chance at a relationship

If I'm not mistaken, they've already cast Renee` Montoya, and Maggie Sawyer already has an established charector in the Arrowverse too, so if the actress ever wanted to dip her toes back into the superhero waters, she could appear for a bit of time as well- wich would also be prime subplot territory for the next crossover, considering her history with Alex Danvers on Supergirl

So even IF they damned poor Sophie to Straight Hell for the rest of eternity- and I HIGHLY doubt that- do you really think that a show on the CW that opened with a love story is just going to let it's lead go without a love story for the foreseeable future...?

They're giving us a queer-lead show, wich means that it's going to be open to the same "UGH" romance moments that every other show on TV has, they're probably not going to give us an easy ride just because this one is gay like we get out of the background relationships in other shows where the leads are straight and I honestly appreciate that

Sure, I'd love if Kate got the Yuri On Ice treatment where she was able to maintain a steady romance through the entire show with only very short-lived, very easy-to-resolve conflicts ever denting it- I'd love that for alot of shows actually, imagine all of the plot that could get done if the relationships weren't being killed off or broken up every five minutes- but I appreciate as a queer person that she's probably going to get a gallery of love interests just like every STRAIGHT protagonist gets and I'm happy for her, in that respect

But my point in all of this is just that... guys... we finally have it

We have a show lead by a queer actor playing a queer charector who isn't going to get straight-washed or muted down the line because issues of homophobia and her sexuality are coming up in the very first episode.... and ya'll are complaining because her love interest is in the closet and married to a dude to stay that way as if that ever stopped any ship on any show ever??? Really?

TL;DR: Batwoman is great and if she and Sophie WERE in a happy and stable relationship ya'll would just complain about the show being "boring" and not actually working to examine queer relationships so I guess there really is no winning with the people on this website

[supermagicalpotato]

the rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better

tagged by: @devil-pussie (sorry it took so long!)

nicknames: There was Peanut but that was mostly one my dad used, Nee, and other than that idk. I’m probably “Crazy Bitch” to my brother when my back is turned lol.

gender: female

zodiac: either Sagittarius or Capricorn, zodiac websites can’t agree it seems. Most of the time it’s Sagittarius though so I go with that one.

height: 5′1″

time: 2:45am

fav band(s): Florence and the machine, IAMX, The Cranberries, The Police, some of Depeche Mode’s stuff, uhhh what else... I used to love Nightwish but I haven’t listened to their stuff in a while. Same for Within Temptation, Lacuna Coil. I don’t listen to a lot of music these days now that I think about it.

fav solo artist(s): Well I’ll always be a big fan of Lady Gaga. There’s Björk that I like as well, and Dido. I’m sure I’m forgetting someone. (Wtf why am I writing a damn novel at every question)

song stuck in my head: fsagdfkjshfasdhflkjh fucking Careless Whisper by George Michael. I also have Take on me by A-ha stuck in my head when George Michael slips away for a few minutes.

last movie i saw: oh dear idk... doesn’t really count but Megamind cause I play it to fall asleep lol (I know it by heart xD)

last show i saw: Steven Universe (and for those who have seen the latest episode : OMFG I CALLED IT, I FUCKING KNEW IT. EVERYBODY I SHARED MY THEORIES WITH TOLD ME IT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHO LOOKS STUPID NOW). And before that Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune lol.

when did i create my blog: ‘bout a year ago I think??

what do i post: a bit of everything really but I like posting whatever I think is funny, plus feminist/social justice-esque stuff. Oh and whiny text posts in the middle of the night to vaguely complain about my life. I try to keep it light for my own sake though. It gets really depressing here sometimes.

last thing i googled: the name of the band A-ha lmao I can never remember if it’s Ah-A or A-Ha

do i have any other blogs: yea I have another dedicated to following Pokémon and Crafts blogs

do i get asks: nope lol

why did i choose my url: because everything I usually use was taken and when that happens I turn to potato-themed usernames.

following: 403

followed by: 115

average hours of sleep: either not enough or too many

lucky number: If I knew that I’d be luckier.

instruments: I used to play the guitar, the flute, the trombone and the piano. Nowadays I just sing (and that’s when no one’s around). My dad left me a bass so I’ll probably learn how to play that eventually, when I’m a bit more emotionally stable cause right now it reminds me of him too much and the wound is still real fresh so I just end up crying.

what i’m wearing:  blue pajama pants with penguins on em, a shirt with a green Mario shroom that says Grow Up, and a dirty brown hoodie.

dream job: something like...idk... a job where I’d get to brainstorm a lot and give ideas to people. I’m usually better at inspiring people than doing the stuff myself.

dream trip: “Yucatan, Mexico because i’d really like to see the Chichén Itzá ruins and cry on some ancient rocks.“<= @devil-pussie hehe <3

I don’t really know what my dream trip would be, there’s too much to see!! But I think as long as I could take my mother with me, it’d be a dream trip anywhere. We never really got to travel, and I’ve love for her to see things she’s seen in the documentaries she watches all week long.

fav food: Lasagna, strawberry shortcake, anything with rasberries. I love fresh fruit, veggies. OH and CHEESE.

nationality: Canadian, maybe American too soon.

fav song: I’ll just list some songs that really get to me : Fire And Whispers - IAMX, Ode to my family - The Cranberries, Here With Me - Dido, Lithium - Evanescence, All is Full of Love/I Miss You - Björk, Tous les cris les SOS - Daniel Balavoine, Drumming - Florence and The Machine, and probably others

I fucking hate “favourite blabla” questions lmao, they make me anxious XD I tell myself “do I reaaaaallyy love this song? Like LOVEEE? IS IT REALLY MY FAVOURITE?! WHAT AM I FORGETTING?! I KNOW I’M FORGETTING ONE!!!”

last book i read: Oh dear... I think the last book I read was His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman. Again lmao. I did start Lundy Bancroft’s book on my phone but I have difficulty reading intensively on a screen.

top 3 fictional universes i wanna join: Mmmmh.... let’s see... Sailor Moon, Pokémon, and I’m not sure for the last one cause I have a few in mind. Maybe Harry Potter, The Worst Witch, anything with magic lol, Steven Universe, or Zelda...

Not that I didn’t like doing this but I wish my computer hadn’t lagged the whole time lol it would’ve been a bit easier! Now for the tagging... another part I hate cause I always forget someone and then I feel guilty lol

I tag @unesorcierecommelesautres (ou @setyourspiritdancing idk which one you use the most these days) @jaspy-jaspers @jelounie @jazmyyyyyyn @sangredesirena @loneliestlesbian @rottenweb @criticalzarya @triberation @owl-and-the-moon @bakerstreetdoctor and whoever else wants to do this! :)

[foolishheadstronggirl]

Served - Chapter 5

New chapter time!  I meant to post during the week, but we had multiple softball games and then a field trip this week, and there was just no way!  Anyway...

This is an important chapter to me.  I feel really strongly about the subject matter here, and it’s what drove me to write this story in the first place. More author notes at the end of the story - I’ve got some personal stuffs for you today lol

Thanks as always to the most excellent @13starbuck42 for some really outstanding beta-ing (I don’t care, mr. dictionary, it’s a word now) in this chapter; I wrote pretty emotionally, and you helped so much!!  Tagging @today-in-fic

Catch up with Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 , Chapter 3 and Chapter 4!

Chapter 5 – Escape

By Monday, it seemed Daryl had all but forgotten about the scene at the bowling alley.  Dana still felt a little weird about it, but it seemed odd to bring it up again, so she decided to drop it and move on.  She didn’t mention it to anyone either, especially Melissa; she knew exactly what Missy would have to say.  Besides, she was completely in control.  Dana Scully didn’t let things get out of control.

School plodded along as expected for the rest of the week, but Dana felt a bit uneasy when she was with Daryl.  It was actually a little off-putting, because Daryl seemed oblivious. Dana may not have had much experience with relationships in her young life, but that didn’t necessarily mean she was completely innocent when it came to guys and expectations.  Her sister had made sure of that.  While outwardly it seemed she let the startling episode slide into oblivion, Dana had, in truth, logged it away in her mind for further study.  She knew one thing for absolute certain - she didn’t intend to be caught unaware again.

The football field was a bustling hotspot of activity in September.  In December, however, the only thing going on there after school was people training for cross-country, which made it an ideal place to hang out.  And that was exactly what Dana found herself doing on a blustery Thursday afternoon.  After school, Daryl shepherded her to the bleachers where a few friends were waiting, despite her insistence otherwise.

“You know I’ve got a huge Chem test tomorrow, Daryl.  I really need to get home,” Dana said, exasperated.  She was getting a bit tired of being pushed around and treated like she wasn’t able to make her own decisions.  She had a life, damnit.

“Come on, babe, we’re just gonna go sit and hang out for a few.  Lisa and Sharla said they were really hoping you’d be there; something about “testing trones” or whatever.  I don’t know,” Daryl shrugged, flipped his hair back, and slung his arm over Dana’s shoulder as he steered her toward the football field.

Dana was afraid if she rolled her eyes any harder they would stick.  She knew Daryl was completely full of shit. He was just manipulating her; he was not that stupid.  She was not going to stoop to that level; he knew that wasn’t right, she did not have to correct him, damnit.  Her brother was always calling her an insufferable know-it-all, but that ‘testing trones’ bullshit was so stupid it made her stomach roll.

“Testosterone, Daryl.  I know you know that; don’t try to sound like a dumbass.”  Dana glanced over at Daryl, prepared to continue arguing with him about why she couldn’t join them, only to meet his slightly crestfallen face and downturned eyes.  She melted a little, despite her resolve.  “Fine, I’ll come for like, half an hour.  Then I’ve got to get home.”

They found their friends in the bleachers just as the track athletes were stretching and getting ready to put in a few laps.  The group chatted amicably about the upcoming Winter Semi-Formal, but before long they started to trickle away in pairs.  Eventually, Dana found herself sitting alone with Daryl on the aluminum bench.

“Let’s walk, babe,” Daryl said.  “This seat’s getting kinda cold.”

They meandered along the track until Daryl suddenly turned back toward one of the buildings, and Dana got the distinct impression that she was being herded again, though she couldn’t figure out why would they be going back toward the school.  The buildings would all be locked by now, and Daryl didn’t exactly crave scholastic achievement.

It didn’t take long, though, for Dana to discover just what Daryl had in mind.  There was a narrow alleyway between the equipment shed and the locker room. Daryl slipped in, pulling her behind him.  It obviously wasn’t a newly discovered hiding spot; there were cigarette butts and beer cans on the ground.  But the squiggly feeling in the pit of Dana’s stomach told her Daryl wasn’t interested in lighting up or drinking.

Dana took three steps into the small space and Daryl shoved her roughly up against the brick, digging his hips into her hard and pinning her to the wall with his hands on her shoulders.  The shock of such force took Dana by complete surprise.  Their physical relationship had been fairly gentle up to that point.  Dana had even tried to take things further with him once, but either he hadn’t been interested at the time, or it simply hadn’t gone as well as she’d expected.  She wondered if she had been completely wrong about Daryl...but at the same time, she thought it was kind of sweet, respectful even.

This was not.

This was crude, and pushy, and wrong. Daryl had her shoulder pinned back with one hand while the other sharply grasped her hair, forcing her face up to his.  He pulled her into a jarring  kiss, pressing into her hard enough to be uncomfortable. Dana tried to put her hands on his chest and push away, but he ignored her and tightened the heated embrace.  She finally managed to break the kiss by wrenching her mouth away and turning her face.  Daryl continued his assault on her neck as she tried to catch her breath.

“Daryl, stop it!  What the hell are you doing?!” Dana exclaimed.  She pushed again, harder this time, and managed to get him to disengage long enough to meet her eye.

Daryl grinned at her, feral.  “What?  I just think it’s time we take this to the next level.”  He leered at her now, and winked like he was letting her in on some big secret.  “Don’t fight it, Dana.  You’ll enjoy it, I promise.”  He reached for her again.

“Are you insane?!  I’m not having sex with you in broad daylight; we’re practically on the football field, Daryl.  This is ridiculous!  I’m going home.” Dana turned on her heel, ready to stomp away, but as she glanced out between the buildings, she noticed the group of Daryl’s friends.  They had seen everything, the whole show.  Her blood was boiling; she was furious.

Daryl’s arm shot out and savagely gripped her wrist.  “We’re not done here.  You’re not going anywhere.”  He ignored it when she flinched slightly as he twisted the skin of her wrist painfully.

Dana look back at him with a glare so razor-sharp it could’ve cut glass.  “I don’t need your permission to leave.  Let me go, Daryl.  Now.”

Daryl yanked her hard, slamming her back into his body, and smirked at her.  “And if I don’t?  You’re awfully tiny to be bossing me around.”

“I won’t ask you again, Daryl.” Dana’s voice had lowered to almost nothing; she was livid.  “Let go of me and walk away.”

Daryl sneered.  “You didn’t ask the first ti—”

Dana drove a sharp knee up into Daryl’s groin as hard as she could, intent on driving his nuts into his brain.  When he was doubled over, yowling in pain, she grabbed the back of his head and shoved him face-first into the brick wall.  Daryl smacked his smug face so hard that he bloodied his nose and knocked out a tooth before he fell to the ground groaning.  Dana covered her mouth in surprise and hurried away.

“You bitch!” Daryl yelled, and she heard his friends laughing from across the field as they made their way over to check out the wreckage.

Sometimes it really paid off to have an older brother, especially one who loved to mess with you all the time. Thanks to Bill, Dana had learned early on how to physically protect herself.  Not that she’d ever kneed Bill in the groin, of course, but she sure was glad she knew how.

~Author Notes:  In case you don’t know this about me already, I’m a junior high librarian, so I’m with kids aged 10-13 on the regular.  That’s a tough age for everyone, and now more than ever, we have an extremely high percentage of students living without stable homes and little in the way of stable parenting situations.  While this doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t get the love and attention they need, it does sometimes mean we see kids who don’t get the sex education they need.  Unfortunately, we have seen a lot of these kids at such young ages engaging in things they just aren’t ready for, and then are so confused and upset.  The worst ones, though, are the ones who are victims to being forced in some way.  At my level, that’s usually through rumors and gossiping, which is painful in itself.  Anyway, I spend a substantial amount of time now talking to kids, especially girls, about how to protect themselves and be strong and intelligent, but we all know that sometimes that’s just not enough.  I’m trying to do my part by raising kind, respectful boys who know what’s right, but the world is an ugly place.  If you need help, or if you know someone who does, don’t ever be afraid to reach out to someone.  A teacher, a pastor, a parent or a friend’s parent, someone you trust that you can talk to.  Despite what you see in the news and various media today, there are still some good people in the world.  And no matter where you are, my door (and my inbox) is always open.  I learned a long time ago through my own personal trials that a successful life didn’t necessarily mean standing on my own, but learning to lean on those that loved me and could help me find my way until I truly could.  I love you, @acefamilydawg . You have been a rock for me for 23 years, and I am beyond blessed to have you.  You’re my homie for life, boo.

[poipoi1912]

Carisi-centric thoughts on Ep 19x05

(a tiny bit late, because I’m already working on my new Barisi episode tag and I got distracted)

:D

Overall Thoughts

A half-decent episode, a strong vibe of “been there, done that,” and some very solid acting by regulars and guest actors alike. Not a complete snoozefest (though it did get progressively worse, somehow), but too predictable to be truly entertaining. I am sensing a bit of a slump, but right now we’re at a comfortably mediocre level I could live with, lol. Still, I’m hoping the show will bounce back with episodes that are a little more creative.

Case-Related Thoughts

Uh. Yikes? They see what is effectively a stick figure-like age progression sketch and immediately they’re all “IT’S HER!!!” and then they see footage of her taking the subway and immediately they’re all “WE’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!!!” and then the brother’s story is a little off and they’re all “HE’S THE KILLER”.

Like, maybe show some restraint? Y’all are cops?

All of the drama could have been avoided, which is just poor writing. I mean, I laughed my ass off at “there are no orange groves in Pennsylvania”. That was their other big clue? Not the fact the girl refused to give a DNA sample but SVU released her into the custody of some random family regardless?

Speaking of, why on earth did they allow that girl to move in the family home literally 5 minutes after she was found? Was she even stable enough? And the continued refusal to give a DNA sample was certainly suspicious. Sure, the dad was covering up a crime, so his refusal to get the girl’s DNA tested rang true, but by that point it was already too late. They should have tested her DNA before they ever told the family. Why would they risk the emotional damage? To protect her, or respect her own privacy? Okay, but how about protecting the family as well? How about protecting the mother from the pain of losing her “daughter” twice? That’s the one parallel the episode failed to draw between the main case and Liv/Noah. Liv would never want to give that mother false hope.

Also, the son was acting way too creepy from the start. The dad did that a lot better (then again, Paul Schulze is always fantastic); his reaction was part creepy and part “maybe he’s being weird because he doesn’t believe that’s their daughter, but he doesn’t want to hurt his wife by saying that out loud”. Meanwhile, the son was practically all, “Yep. I did it. I don’t know who this random girl is, but she sure isn’t related to me. My actual sister is dead because I personally murdered her.”

Sonny and Continuity

Sonny crossing himself when finding dead bodies is a lovely touch, and I love that the show hasn’t forgotten his faith or his reverence for human life.

We got yet another random and unnecessary tidbit about Sonny's family life. All I’m gonna say is, I sure hope somebody in the writers’ room is keeping track of all this, because they're giving us 3 new tidbits every week and I feel like we're going to start getting conflicting info by episode 14. "So, when my pops was in the hospital for a month back in 2007, and I was in the waiting room, but also doing a student exchange program in Italy at the same time, and my oldest sister was pregnant with her first, but she also had a 3-year-old at home, and my mom was baking cookies for the nurses every Tuesday, but she had already been dead for 2 years, and...."

What is the point of all that? I appreciate the fact they’re trying to fill in some blanks, and Sonny has always been the type to overshare, so it does fit his personality, but it’s still kind of strange. Is Sonny stuck in the past, reminiscing literally at all times? Or do the writers want us to get to know him a little better? If so, why can’t he talk about his current life? Fill in those blanks? Or, even better, why not show us that current life? Lord knows we’re seeing enough of Liv’s life, but all the other characters have gotten nothing. Sonny and Barba especially had their one and only “personal” episode (one each) back in Season 16. It’s nice to hear about Sonny’s family, but it’d be nicer if we actually saw them :D

Sonny and Continuity Vol. II - Emotion

As I’ve said countless times, Sonny is always hit hard when the victims are younger, and I love the idea that a young-ish Sonny would have followed a missing child case even a decade ago (which would have made him how old? And was he a cop at the time? In college? In the Academy? A rookie? What year is it?) Especially since he was going through something emotionally traumatic, like having an ill parent. The ICU means his dad didn’t have it easy, so Sonny was probably worried and was trying to find an outlet for his stress (I’ve been there. Hell, I am there, that’s partly why I write these posts lol).

That said, I also loved seeing that Sonny’s sensitivity and attachment to children led him astray. It gave him false hope, and an overeagerness which is typical of him in general, but uncharacteristic of him as a cop; he usually has good instincts, but he’s also the cop who will triple-check every possible explanation before forming a working theory, so I liked seeing him get carried away. As sad as it was (because it was totally obvious he was wrong, since it was totally obvious the brother was guilty), I liked seeing him falter.

Not that he really faltered, or not that it was acknowledged.

I sincerely thought Sonny was going to get in trouble with a reporter (lol just kidding, of course that ended up being deleted) because he spoon-fed the girl various details she might not otherwise have known. There’s helpful questions and then there’s leading questions. Sonny was so excited about finding “little Em” that he let his emotions cloud his judgment. Again, that made sense, because he had a special attachment to this particular case, but I kept waiting for the payoff. I thought “Emma” would parrot the info Sonny fed her during her TV interview, or something. I kept expecting him to be reprimanded, later on. I wanted to see him acknowledge his mistake, and maybe even get punished for it. In a subtle way, maybe in a conversation with Liv, who would respect his guilt but would warmly yet sternly tell him not to get so easily excited in the future.

Except Sonny was punished via carrying a dead child. And I don’t know if that was even intentional (as a punishment) or accidental (most likely).

Sonny’s Punishment

As strong of a scene as it was, and not to get gory on ya, I gotta say, carrying a corpse like that after all those years? Wouldn't that girl be, like, a pile of bones at that point? And, dare I say, wouldn’t it have been more jarring and tragic if we had seen Sonny carrying an actual lump of remains, instead of an identifiable human shape? I would have gotten chills. But then, they wouldn't have been able to do the dramatic "carrying the body of a child" shot which...

Thank God Peter is such a good actor, and such an understated actor, at that. He is always given these dramatic-ass moments, but he never overacts, so he is able to bring some truth and some honesty to these otherwise melodramatic scenes. His performance is what grounds Sonny. I love how he goes big when the moment is more comedic, but he always shuts down and gives us these small, numb and nauseated expressions when the moment is tragic. The writing is heavy-handed enough, so a “bigger” performance would hurt its emotional impact.

I swear, sometimes it’s like the writers are trying to turn Sonny into this tortured, “vulnerable” version of a Gary Stu, since he has been the de facto male lead for so long, and there’s no one else around to do that sort of stuff, but Peter is valiantly playing him as a three-dimensional human being, because he’s a character actor at heart. As a viewer, I appreciate that.

If I had written this episode (which I wouldn’t have), instead of that entire “finding the remains” scene, I would have had the mother talk to Sonny after the trial, not Liv. I would have had the mother coldly tell Sonny, “I wish you’d never found her,” which would have been a great juxtaposition to “I look at you and I see the angel who found my daughter.” That would have been a more subtle way of punishing him, but just as much of a gut punch, and I’m sure Peter would have given us a reaction which would have been equally heartbreaking.

(WAIT SHOULD I PUT THAT IN MY BARISI EPISODE TAG? WHICH I’VE ALREADY STARTED WRITING? HELL YEAH I WILL. I don’t only fix the lack of Barisi, I also fix the missed opportunities for closure :D)

Stray Thoughts

Sucks that Fin was off for two weeks in a ro... wait he was in this episode? Oh okay.

Barba was underused again, but his face (and his voice!) when he asked if Liv was okay made his entire appearance worth it not really though, he needs more to do.

What was the brother convicted of? Wasn’t he a small-ish child when he killed his sister?

Girl: “Don't touch me!”

(Sonny approaches her with the clear intention of touching her)

Girl: “I said don’t touch me!

(Sonny keeps moving in her direction with his hands literally outstretched)

Girl: I SAID DON’T TOUCH MEEEE!!!!

*DUN DUN*

Oh, SVU, will you never learn? A “dramatic” moment doesn’t work it if it’s based on total contrivance.

The Noah storyline is getting predictable. Liv is going to start grudgingly trusting Sheila, despite her original (and correct) instincts, and then Sheila is going to pull something intense; kidnapping (in time for February sweeps, perhaps), or maybe making her case (to somehow vacate the adoption, which, lol) more legitimate by gathering “evidence” Liv is unfit to be a mother. You know Liv is going to get into trouble eventually, with a perp or a long case, and Off-Screen Lucy will be conveniently busy for once, and Sheila will volunteer to babysit, etc etc. That said, I loved that first courtroom scene. It’s always nice to see Langan, and Brooke Shields is very good (in setting up the fact she’s possibly deranged and will go awf later in the season)

Continuity has been better this season, but apparently it doesn’t reach back to the Stabler years, just to SVU 2.0. So I guess it’s understandable that they virtually redid an entire episode from SVU 1.0 and no one had any memory of it happening.

Amanda: “Liv’s going to bring in a reunification specialist.” (cut to Liv doing the reunification her own damn self) I love this show and its unintentional hilarity :D

Sonny’s sweet face when the parents thought they recognized their daughter? Peter is so good. He really broke my heart last night.

[thepeerieeen]

I'm having a "bad brain day" so I'm gonna binge watch some (presumably shitty) teenage tv, and you never know, I might enjoy it. So I'm seeing Free Rein on Netflix and I'm gonna give it a watch: here are my thoughts below the cut (it gets long, sorry). I should also note that I know next to nothing about horses or horse riding. Also there are probably spoilers ahead.

Ep1:

Nice scenery

She looks uncomfortable, like they've just put her on a horse and told her to smile

Why is Zoe Scottish

Wait nvm

Oh hey, Zoe's cute

The grandad is brilliant I already love him

Ah, no father. Same

Why is there just shit on the side of the road, there are no animals around and I doubt the horses would go to the side of the road to poo

Why does he still have kids drawings on his cupboards?

Digging the teapot

Ah, layered tops. Typical teenage fashion

"The light will come through again" needing that today

Haha "what's a wifi"

At least they represent Jetlag though

Ah yes, one daughter goes missing - send the other one out to look for her. What could possibly go wrong.

Ooh, that acting wasn't great. Though the blonde is actually quite a good actress

Ooh, Raven. Ooh, foreshadowing (I guess)

K but this isn't the type of thing Austen would write

Why is Marcus like 25, the others are like 12 what

He's not even that attractive? (Says the bisexual who is more into women rn)

Horsome - the new fetch

Ah yes, get off the bike, that makes sense

Oh look a wild horse, who'd've ever thought???

Oh wow! Wild horse who is only understood by outcast? This is groundbreaking!

(Jk I'm kinda into this ngl)

An actual Scottish person!

Who's the guy with the cheekbones and why is he so shifty

What happened to the bike?

Oh Derek is obviously in love with the main stable person

Ah yes, stop looking for your sister and go chat to a horse

Bitch number one has arrived

Of course she owns the horse. That makes sense

They've called him hot Marcus jesus what is this

Cheekbones is stealing. Stop being shifty.

Welp theres the first continuity error I've spotted

Cheekbones is stalking now, apparently

Cheekbones is about to be falling in love, I'm calling it

He's also like, twenty tho

Oh shit what why is she being stalked now??

Ep2:

This is clearly a dream though

Are jelly shoes back in fashion? Sweet

I refuse to believe she could hear him from that distance and a closed window

I predict a love triangle

I mean cheekbones has a point

That wasn't a long conversation, like, that woulda taken an hour for me how does the mother do that?

Ah, ye olde fart joke

Bitch number one pulling the "I have lots of money" card

So they're putting cheekbones and Zoe together. I mean I can live with that

Oh my god cheekbones don't be such an arse

You'd think the mother would have worried if her other daughter didn't turn up the the pier where they agreed to meet?

Let's read mum's old diary! That can never go wrong!

They're literally stalking hot Marcus? Thats a?? Wee bit weird???

They're actually letting Mia go on Raven? Wow

Bob is kinda cute actually

I mean... she kinda deserved to fall not gonna lie

Bet Zoe is gonna make the magazine cover. Would serve Mia right lmao

Ok that's kinda cute, cheekbones. At least we know you're human

Wait what? Is cheekbone's name Pin?

WHAT SORT OF A NAME IS PIN?!

And the mother doesn't want the daughter to be riding. That makes a lot of sense. Totally.

Did she even peel those carrots?

Why has no one noticed she's wearing someone else's hoodie?

THANK YOOOOU

Oh shit, cheekbones is stealing the sedatives. No one saw that coming

Ep3:

K but she didn't say you couldn't go to the stables?

Rosie is honestly brilliant

Grandpa and I are on the same wavelength

Pin cam - idk man surely you could just... talk to him?

How could Marcus tell it was too small?? He wasn't looking at her???

Oh my god. Tie up your hair

Of course she's a prodigy, why wouldn't she be

They actually have a secret hip hop dance routine?? I wanna see that not gonna lie

The pun and finger guns have me. This kid is my new favourite character

Rosie, much though I like you, that is a total breach of privacy

Told you Pin cam would backfire

Now Marcus is going to find out about her "recording him"

It's only £10? I wanna go to pony camp.

Bet cheekbones is gonna go into where she just went

Called it

There must be a more subtle way to break into the medicine cabinet than with a screwdriver?

He's obviously not a horse thief? Medicine thief sure, horse thief nah

And I suppose that's Raven telling her it wasn't him, because that makes perfect sense

Ugh Mia calm down

Tbh maybe the parents would be better off separated? But like idk

It's the police, for why

Of course it was firefly that got stolen. I kinda feel for Mia and her bad acting.

Ep4:

How come is Pin allowed to come back even though he was stealing sedatives? That's still kinda illegal?

You're not banned from the stables though, are you Zoe

Rosie you sarcastic legend

She has a point though, what if she breaks her leg

Why is everyone attracted to Marcus?

Puns

Oh look, it pin

.....why do I dress the same way as Pin?

Who in their right mind needs three horses?

Pin is ignoring her - quite right honestly

Ah yes, subtly eavesdropping

I bet Elliot isn't even E

Ben is great

Ben and Rosie are in love. I've decided.

If course Pin is leading the hack

Mr Cheekbones! That's totally who he is! I called it!

He clearly doesn't want to talk, like... maybe let Pin get over the whole getting arrested thing? Idk

Why Becky? I don't understand?

Ah yes, follow the broody horse guy who was stealing sedatives, that can't possibly go wrong and is obviously the best option

Wait so Zoe followed Pin to his house and is now demanding he tells her what he has in the weird crate thing? Wow

And it's a horse. Wow. It's not like this is a horse show or anything

Called it, not a horse thief

Pin’s actually kinda sweet

Wait

Am I attracted to Pin?

I think I'm attracted to Pin

Shit

Decent cinematography there though

Ghost pony is a brilliant story

Wow Mia is such a dick

Now, this can go one of two ways. And I confidently predict Mia is gonna tell Zoe's mum she's not allowed to ride

Called it

Ep5:

Well the riding crop thing Is obviously the mother's

Oh yeah, Marcus is a character

How did anyone actually get close enough to Raven to braid his tail?

Savaaaaaaage

Ugh "like electricity" ughhh

What happened to Rosie?

Grandpa is brilliant and I love him

Why would fixing a radio make it up to Pin? I don't understand?

Those leather trousers though....

They're actually kinda cute together.... what is this

I ship it?

I still find Pin vaguely attractive and idk why

Oh hey Marcus, you're here as Love Interest #2

Oh no, I feel a bit bad for Rosie, I hope she doesn't get bullied

I'm emotionally attached

What is this

Why am I hooked on this television programme

Why

She can't seriously be intending to stay the whole night in the hay? It gets cold at night how're they gonna survive?

Oh actually Rosie might do okay. Cool

Who is gonna clean up all those crisps though?

Ghost pony, again

Pebbles?! Brilliant

I love Becky.

This can not end well

Definition of me on social media

She has five horses? Who needs five horses??

It's gonna be Rosie and crew, not horse thieves

..., that was unexpected

I am also relieved to find out there is no ghost pony

Look at them, stealing the horse.

Or not

Ep6:

Oh yeah, time zones are a thing

Rosie is not a subtle eavesdropper

Ah, a horse show. Why didn't I expect that

£15,000. Enough to, say, help this stable that is running low on money which we have been repeatedly told from the first episode? Let me guess, another, rival stable always wins and there's no way they could never pull it off?

Holloway Riding School. Called it

Can Becky just give away food?

"Keeping you entertained is easy" is it though????

Mate listen to his teachings.

You need your foundations in place before you can get any good?

"Let me go over the jump" "no" *does it* "wow well done"

Ugh she's gonna ride raven

Bet it doesn't go well

That's very Rube Goldberg not gonna lie

One little ride around the paddock will hurt

There's a race? The quads are gonna win

Bob was not made for speed.

And there goes Raven

Because obviously.

Pin looks worried because he has a crush on Zoe. Obviously

And yet Marcus is gonna get all the glory

That cringey ADR

Marcus has a point though, the basics are important

We're unlocking Maggie's backstory

She can't still be upset about a horse that died over 15 years ago?

I ship Becky and Jade not gonna lie

Ugh team lists. I'm calling it Zoe will have made it on despite not even trying out

Yup.

Wait she's reserve on Raven? Why? That's not a good move?

Ep 7:

Mia is such a bitch

Ok Raven doesn't like water, and I confidently predict this is an important plot point

Ooooh Mia just got rejected

So now the Ghost Pony is Emerald

Zoe you are so naive Marcus is asking you to the dance

Becky I love you and the mystery tortilla

Mia hasn't made the cover, I can predict.

I do feel a bit bad for Mia with her not very good father who isn't really there for her

That colour of green is a really nice colour of green. It brings out Pin's eyes. Ew, stop, why am I like this

Pin stop

Is zoe about to be murdered?

I thought the ghost pony was called Pebbles?

Why has Ted suddenly warmed up to Zoe?

Unlocking Raven's backstory

Pins name is actually Peter. Huh

It's nice that the moor pony is getting better enough to eat an apple

She's not on the cover

Pin likes Zoe and I ship it

Tedward

She's on her way to Steel (lol) his heart

Perfect - let the horse who is scared of water jump the water jump what could go wrong. Throw in an inexperienced rider into the mix and it's a perfect combination.

Wait this is actually kinda sweet

A funeral for Emerald is lovely

But the name Edward begins with an E so maybe E wasn't just Emerald

You could fall. IN LOVE. WITH PIN. OH MY GOD PLS

Wait what

Why has the photographer never heard of brightfields

Mia is so stuck up but I quite like her

I definitely did not need to take a 20 minute break just trying to find out how old Freddy Carter was, jesus.

Throwing stones at the windows, teenage stereotypes

They're cute

Ah, he couldn't say Peter, hence the Pin

Oh my god heartbreaking

Now they're going to the dance. Nice one

Oh god is Mia gonna do something to sabotage Zoe and Pin?

Holy shit is Ghost Pony real?

Ep8:

I actually quite like that yellow dress, not gonna lie

I love Becky and so does Jade

It's totally a date don't lie to yourself Zoe

Mia can get tae

Pin don't listen to her

She wouldn't tell you if it wasn't true though would she, Pin you imbecile

Rosie stop sabotaging, your mother is allowed to have friends

Oh shit they were a couple

Wait

What if it turns out Pin and Zoe are siblings

Wait no I'm thinking too much into this

Pin calm it

Marcus be happy

Pin... just.........

bob wyd

They're married.

"I already did" I mean....,

How are they upset by that?

Literally just talk to each other? This would make everything so much easier?

And Raven is still scared of water. Don't blame him, honestly

Ben and Rosie are evil geniuses

Becky is adorable and thinks safety goggles would help prevent death

She also thinks carrots glow in the dark

Wait how does Maggie know about the whole boys thing

Offscreen I guess

I mean I wouldn't wear that dress, but I guess it's okay?

Rosie fixing lights is not going to end well

Yup.

Where did ted come from? How did he get there so fast?

I mean Zoe actually pulls off that dress

Has Becky been murdered?

Oh yeah, Becky has a blog

I don't necessarily understand how or why a ghost pony is scary

Oh wait it's a person

Is it the horse thieves

It is the horse thieves

Why did they wait until dark? That would have been a long time to wait to capture the horse thief

Derek is a brilliant character

Who is very obviously in love with Sam

That barn actually looks pretty good

Pin went with Mia? That's surprising

Ted and Maggie are cute

Ben and Rosie are also cute

Derek and Sam are also a little bit cute

Piiiin don't be a diiiick

Those shoes don't really go with that outfit tho...

Rosie is in the spotlight though and I'm sure she's loving it

Mia go and just stop

Ooh thunder

Marcus is following Zoe who is following Pin who is going home

Oh wait Pin and Zoe are arguing in the rain. I may not be familiar with tropes but I'm pretty sure that they're about to kiss

And they're cute and I ship them

Marcus is just casually watching around the corner. Like a stalker

Was not expecting that?

Of course this is when the horse thieves take Raven

Ok but shouting after him is hardly gonna do anything?

Ep9:

I mean... it wasn't even her horse

That's so Raven

Wait they have security camera surely the thief will be ca- oh there was a power cut

But there was a back up generator?

Wait but Zoe is supposed to ride on Raven in the show? Assuming she has to

Rosie is so extra

Oh my god just like... idk kiss

That highlight tho

"That's what I love about you" pin, do continue

Pin you genius

So now they're off to look for this horse

Why didn't they just have this chat at the stables before they left and saved time?

"If the storm comes in again turn back" so the storm is gonna come in again and one or more of them aren't gonna turn back. Ok

"I am scared of the tooth fairy! What does she need all those teeth for? What's her plan?" Same Becky

Ben and Rosie have a handshake, this is cute

What is her plan

Becky is me with every single person I have a crush on

This is a significant character development for Mia

Ok so the only group not turning back is mia, susie, and Zoe

This is not going to end well

Mia.... Zoe can't control the weather?

That recording is in no way convincing

Wait how big is this island???

Either Mia or Zoe is going to get hurt

Ghost pony?

I mean this is just a bad horror movie now

Oh shit, firefly?

And Mia got hurt. Okay.

Wait so if Mia's hurt, she can't do the show?

Wait so the dad just turned up?

I like that there has been a character development now we sorta understand Mia's actions

So Mia can't ride

Wait what

Who is this and why is she here

Why is that so ominous

Ep10:

Rosie is so done with England

Sam is being pretty chill

Oh never mind

Marcus also has a crush

Still a Pin supporter tho

Rosie is brilliant

I would wear every single outfit pin has worn this season, not gonna lie

Becky is not helpful

And a raven horseshoe? Really?

Wait... nah never mind

Wow the mystery lady from the jaguar was just suuuuper rude to pin

I'm with Ted - it's totally what he thinks

Oh shit wait is Sam a horse thief?

Oh she is! Okay

That was a twist

I did not see that one coming

Don't just ignore Pin?

So now she just tells her that Raven is still on the island? Okay

Yaaas Pin! Go with her!

What signal? You can't just say wait for my signal and then not say what the signal is?

Wait but Zoe is getting the stolen horse and can't ride

Wait pin what are you doing

Oh the horseshoe

Wait if Mia could have ridden anyway, why put Zoe on?

I get the whole sprained ankle thing but she's just doing it?

Oh look, clever parallels between Mia doing the show and Zoe escaping

But what happened to Pin

And Rosie, where is Rosie

Oh look, water

Any bets Raven overcomes his fear and makes it across

Well look at that!

Also there's pin, he looks so proud

Dereeeeeek how do you feel

Oh no, pin don't feel bad. It's only Marcus... well actually..

"Derek" "its officer wrigley" savaaaaage

Wait.... his last name is wrigley?!

Is this their secret hip hop routine?! Oh my god this is brilliant!

I'm calling it - they've won

Yeah

Everyone has just left Mia lmao

Pin didn't even ride why is he there?

SUSIE HAD A BOYFRIEND ALL ALONG

IM SHOOK

if there was a scout at the riding school, they wouldn't send a letter if they didn't let him in?

Of course he got in that just makes sense?

Why would they send him a letter telling him he didn't get in if he was scouted?? It makes no sense????

And they kissed. Wow. There was like, no build up for that, Zoe and Pin, however....

Wait so Zoe is still not interested?

And now she's going to Pin?

Throwback to the singing teapot

It Pin

Oh that was actually pretty funny? I guess? Nice one Pin

Wait what's happening

Haha Lavinia

Ah, back to old Raven/Midnight Blue i guess

What do you want her to do Pin, I don't???

Ok so this is not a satisfying ending

Pin... are you literally stealing a horse right now?

Okay this is a lovely scene and all but how realistic is this

"I won't let you" you can't stop her???

Wait what

Okay so she can stay in England or go to America

She's gonna stay

They'll get renewed for a season two and she'll stay

And fall in love with pin

Because reasons

Should I stay or should I go now

Of course Mia is gonna buy the stables.

To summarise: That wasn't as bad as I was expecting it to be - I actually quite enjoyed it.

[5hfanfiction]

FROM AFAR - CHAPTER 16

Lauren (10:35 am): camz

Lauren (10:35 am): i need to talk to you

Lauren (10:35 am): you there?

Camila (10:46 am): hi

Camila (10:46 am): i just woke up

Lauren (10:46 am): lol

Lauren (10:46 am): you okay?

Camila (10:46 am): do you wanna come by before lunch?

Camila (10:46 am): yep

Camila (10:47 am): had a lot of dreams this night

Lauren (10:47 am): great

Lauren (10:47 am): i’m ready, i’ll come by

Lauren (12:47 pm): what were the dreams about? was it those scary stuff?

Lauren (12:50 pm): so, camz, you don’t have to answer now, you can reply after you leave your class no worries. What i wanted to talk about is, i know everything we had settled when we talked, but these days have been out of the ordinary, right, so i just wanted to say that if you think that i’m too close or anything, you can tell me. watching you suffer all of this is really hard for me and i wanted to be as close to you to help you with anything you need! then i just want you to tell me if i do anything that you’re not comfortable with, ok?

Lauren (12:50 pm): that’s it, because we talked and decided things and then it all changed

Camila (2:03 pm): you’re not, and i need you in this moment, i won’t be able to go through this alone, i’m still really scared with everything

Camila (2:04 pm): thanks for your friendship, i gave you a lot of work yesterday, you thank me every time but now is my turn

Camila (2:06 pm): i’m trying to get over that thing of being weird, i think it’s practically the same as before…. sure it’s not easy for me to be close to you and do all the stuff like before but knowing nothing will happen after, i’m not gonna say that it’s easy

Camila (2:06 pm): but i don’t want anything to change, and if i do anything that i said i wouldn’t please tell me

Camila (2:07 pm): and thank you really, i didn’t want to be going through this and it’s been really hard

Camila (2:07 pm): but it’s gonna be okay

Lauren (2:12 pm): no, you’re not doing anything wrong and i don’t feel you being weird, it’s not easy on me too because now more than ever i’m more confused, but time will help

Lauren (2:12 pm): and you don’t have to thank me for anything

Lauren (2:13 pm): i’ll always be here for you, that you can be sure

Lauren (2:13 pm): and it’s already getting better!!! your grandma will get better more and more each day!!!

Lauren (2:13 pm): she will be home soon, you’ll see

Lauren (2:13 pm): and she’ll come out of this even stronger

Lauren (2:13 pm): i can imagine how hard this must be, but i promise that i’m here for anything!!

Camila (2:14 pm): thank you thank you thank you

Camila (2:15 pm): and time will help you

Camila (2:15 pm): did the girls help you anyhow?

Camila (2:15 pm): when you talked?

Lauren (2:15 pm): now i want you to rest, tell your mom that you’re gonna sleep e forget your phone for a little bit

Lauren (2:15 pm): yeeesss, they helped me a lot

Camila (2:15 pm): she’s in the hospital

Camila (2:15 pm): it looks like nothing improved

Camila (2:15 pm): i’m exhausted

Camila (2:15 pm): physically and emotionally

Lauren (2:16 pm): well, now she’s stable and started to fight it, now it’ll only get better

Camila (2:16 pm): i was thinking about skipping class

Lauren (2:16 pm): i know! i can only imagine how this feels

Lauren (2:16 pm): that’s why i’m telling you to get some rest

Lauren (2:16 pm): if you need to skip class, do it, i’ll talk to the professor and explain everything

Camila (2:17 pm): yeah i could do that

Camila (2:17 pm): let’s wait and see in what state i’m gonna wake up

Camila (2:17 pm): knock here if you need anything

Lauren (2:17 pm): i gotchu

Camila (2:17 pm): and if you want to stay here when you get back that’s fine too

Camila (2:17 pm): i’ll just be asleep

Lauren (2:17 pm): mhmm

Lauren (2:17 pm): i’m gonna do my paper and keep you company

Lauren (2:17 pm): get some rest now camz

Lauren (2:17 pm): call me if you need anything

Lauren (2:17 pm): i’ll show up later

She really came by and did her stuff while I was deep in my much needed slumber. It was funny because Lauren was concerned about me and wanted to be there for me, but I knew that she needed it too. She had her own personal problems and struggles and she needed someone just as much as I needed it. We were helping each other without acknowledging it.

Camila (9:37 pm): wanna come here?

Lauren (9:40 pm): hmmmm let me think about it

Camila (9:46 pm): if you don’t wanna come then just don’t

Lauren (9:50 pm): wow someone is angry

Later that night Lauren came by again and we just watched Game of Thrones together in my bed. Halfway through it, my roommate arrived with a bunch of her friends. I didn’t mind having people around if they were at least polite while in my room (they were not). I had my friends over too so it was only fair for her to invite people. They were just talking about random things while me and Lauren were eavesdropping the whole conversation because, well, it was funny and they didn’t care about it. I was aware of my proximity to Lauren after all the things we had discussed about being too close and whatever, eventually sneaking caresses on her arm, but even though I was nervous about doing it, Lauren didn’t seem to mind either and we both could use some human affection during those atypical days.

My heart stopped beating though when my roomate particularly said something about hooking up with friends and losing a great friendship because of it. The timing couldn’t be more wrong for the whole situation to be happening. Lauren being in my room in that moment, our current friendship situation, Pam coming in right when Lauren was there, talking about this subject e especifically saying that it’s not worth it to get involved with a friend and messing with a friendship. That was exactly what was going through my mind but I had a different opinion on the matter. But I knew Lauren obviously thought about that too and I didn’t want that statement to have any influence on Lauren’s judgment, but it was too late for that now. Everything just got awkward. We didn’t even finished the episode because Lauren said she was sleepy and those fuckers were still there, so nothing would happen anyway, and the people in my room didn’t seem like they were going anywhere soon.

Lauren (2:00 am): camz i forgot to bring my laptop

Lauren (2:00 am): but i’ll get it tomorrow!

Lauren (2:00 am): just ask if you can turn the lights off

Lauren (2:00 am): otherwise they’ll stay there forever

Camila (2:01 am): i found out that they all hooked up

Lauren (2:01 am): that’s just delicious

Lauren (2:01 am): i’m going to dream about it now haha

Lauren (2:02 am): i’m going to bed now camz

Lauren (2:02 am): good night

Camila (2:03 am): where did you put your laptop?

Lauren (2:04 am): i don’t know lol

Lauren (2:04 am): wait, forget it

Lauren (2:04 am): i went to take a shower and brought it back

Lauren (2:04 am): i’m crazy

Camila (2:04 am): i was going crazy here looking for it lol

Camila (2:05 am): sleep tight

Lauren (2:06 am): hahahah sorry, i didn’t see it and thought i just left it there

Lauren (2:06 am): you too camz <3

.

.

.

Lauren (9:28 am): Morning sunshine

Lauren (9:28 am): are you up? wanna stay here with me?

Camila (9:30 am): good morning

Camila (9:30 am): i have to get ready for class soon

Camila (9:30 am): my grams is the same way for two days

Camila (9:31 am): all i feel is agony

Lauren (9:34 am): :(

Lauren (9:34 am):that’s why i told you to stay here til it’s time for class, so you don’t stay alone

Lauren (9:35 am): everything’s gonna be fine camz, i know it is impossible not to worry but she’ll come through!!! she’ll be even stronger!!!

Camila (9:37 am): :( :( :( :(

Camila (9:37 am): it’s killing me inside

Camila (9:37 am): that’s all i can say

Lauren (9:38 am): i know that :(

Lauren (9:38 am): that’s why i don’t want you to be alone

Lauren (9:38 am): not even for a minute

Lauren (9:39 am):i’m just gonna grab something to eat and if you want me to stay there with you, i’ll stay mute the whole time if you want but at least you won’t be alone haha <3

Camila (9:39 am): thanks love

Camila (9:39 am): but i have to get up and live

Camila (9:40 am): i can’t skip class

Camila (9:40 am): you can come in the afternoon

Lauren (9:40 am):no you’re right, don’t skip it

Lauren (9:40 am): ok, just let me know if you need anything

Camila (9:44 am): yeah yeah

Camila (9:44 am): thank you

Camila (9:44 am): did i cross the lines yesterday?

Camila (9:44 am): i know i did the opposite of what i should do

Camila (9:44 am): even what i asked you not to do, i did it

Camila (9:44 am): is that a problem?

Lauren (9:47 am): stop

Lauren (9:47 am): stop thinking about that now

Lauren (9:47 am): there’s no problem

Lauren (9:47 am): i didn’t follow what we settled too

Camila (9:49 am): :( :( :(

Lauren (10:00 am): sorry

Lauren (10:00 am): but don’t keep filling your head with that now camz

Camila (10:05 am): i’m the one who owes you an apology

Lauren (10:09 am): i’m gonna punch you in the face hahaha

Lauren (10:09 am): enough of that

Lauren (10:09 am): it’s all fine

Camila (10:21 am): : D

.

.

.

Camila (11:52 am): she’s got worse

Lauren (12:01 pm): wait

Lauren (12:01 pm): where you at?

Camila (12:01 pm): in my room

Lauren (12:02 pm): i’m coming

The day had started awfully already. I woke up feeling bad and that feeling wouldn’t go away anytime soon. It was exhausting and painful to feel the things I was feeling without knowing when it would go away. I went to class like I had told Lauren but by the end of it I was a mess. My mom had told me something about my grandma dying and that she was pretty bad. I was literally living my most feared nightmare and it didn’t matter if I went to sleep or stayed awake, it would never go away. I came back to the room and my only hope was Lauren. Maybe she could ease the pain by just being there, I don’t know how but maybe she could. I explained to her what was happening and I cried, like I had never before. Like the battle was already lost, and deep down I knew it was, it was just a matter of time. Lauren stayed with me for the most part of the afternoon, I took a nap and had three of those bad dreams in a row again. Where Lauren was just there by my side but she couldn’t hear me and couldn’t help me, no matter how loud I screamed or how hard I tried to move. It was pure agony. Lauren kept me company in the night too. I went to her room this time and she tried to distract me but wasn’t really successful at that since my sadness was unbearable.

Lauren (6:10 pm): everything okay there?

Camila (6:21 pm): Yes

Camila (6:23 pm): i just have a headache again

Lauren (6:26 pm): did you eat something?

Lauren (6:27 pm): it could be hunger, camz

Camila (6:39 pm): i’m not hungry

Camila (6:39 pm): but i’ll try to eat something

Lauren (6:42 pm): i know you’re not, but eat a fruit or anything

Lauren (6:42 pm): but don’t keep your stomach empty

Lauren (6:42 pm): it’s going to make your headache worse

Camila (6:44 pm): mhmm

Lauren (6:51 pm): okay then

Lauren (6:51 pm): call if you need anything

Lauren (6:52 pm): i’ll be back by 8, tops

Lauren (6:52 pm): okay?

Camila (6:52pm): okay

Camila (6:52 pm): i’m eating

Lauren (6:58 pm): greeeeaaatt

.

.

.

Lauren (1:19 am):i wish you had stayed here

Lauren (1:20 am): but i’m afraid my roommate won’t like it

Lauren (1:20 am): i don’t want you to sleep alone

Camila (1:21 am): i’ll be fine

Camila (1:21 am): relax

Lauren (1:21 am): :(

Lauren (1:22 am): okay then

Camila (1:22 am): thanks for everything

Camila (1:22 am): really

Camila (1:22 am): i don’t have words to thank you

Lauren (1:22 am): you’re welcome, camz. you don’t have to thank me for anything

Lauren (1:22 am): seriously

Lauren (1:22 am): i just want to see you well

Lauren (1:22 am): and laughing at stupid things again lol

Camila (1:23 am): i think it’s one of the worst moments of my life

Camila (1:23 am): and i don’t know when it’s going to end

Camila (1:24 am): i’m going to bed and waking up to anguish

Lauren (1:24 am): keep calm, camz. thing will get better, you’ll see! lets have some

faith that all of this is temporary

Lauren (1:24 am): i know that, i can imagine

Lauren (1:24 am): but this will pass

Lauren (1:24 am): you can be sure of that, and your grandma will be stronger

Camila (1:28 am): :((

Camila (1:28 am): my head is fucked up again

Lauren (1:29 am): it’s because you don’t stop thinking about it

Lauren (1:29 am): see, that’s why i don’t want you to be alone

Lauren (1:30 am): all will be fine camz!!

Camila (1:30 am): i’ll try to get some sleep

Camila (1:30 am): don’t worry

Lauren (1:31 am): haha that’s impossible

Camila (1:32 am): just like it’s impossible for me to stop thinking about it

Lauren (1:33 am): yeah, sorry :( i just wanted to distract you with something

Camila (1:34 am): i know, and i don’t know how to thank you

Camila (1:35 am): neither does my mom when she hears about it haha

Camila (1:35 am): i’ll stop responding you because if i don’t i will cry the whole night and my head can’t take it anymore

Lauren (1:36 am): okay, get some rest

Lauren (1:36 am): i’m going to sleep too

Lauren (1:36 am): good night

Lauren (1:36 am): don’t forget to set your alarm for tomorrow

Camila (1:36 am): what time?

Lauren (1:38 am): 8?

Lauren (1:38 am): then we can get some breakfast and see our beloved Lori at 9 haha

Camila (5:03 am): my gradma is gone

A/N: haven’t proof read but i wanted to finish this chapter asap. These last chapters have been hard for me to write since it’s such a painful and personal moment but i had to put it out there. I’ve been dreading it for so long and i also have less time to write now. The next one is gonna be a tough one too.   

[amethodtomymadness-blog]

hypomanic writing

i was going through my computer, when im hypomanic i get on these sprees where i type everything that comes to my mind and sit at my computer doing so this is where my mind took me. i think its an interesting read: (sorry for the length)

im supposed to hang out with ___ tomorrow and idk if I should bc im like this and idk if something horrible is gonna happen but if im like how I normally am when im manic then I think I should bc people normally like me when im hypo but I mean I think In general im someone that most people enjoy but idk bc normally I don’t have the confidence to tell myself that but since its increased rn I think it but idk it could either go realllllllly good or really bad and idk im scared itll fuck something up and I thought that I was soooo stable and could handle anything and now here I am im not totally stable im actually mildly going crazy rn!!!! But that’s the scary part of people and what I was saying before ANYONE CAN MAKE THEMSELVES OUT TO BE ANYTHING. YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PERSON UNLESS YOU STUDY THEIR ACTIONS. FOR EXAMPLE. If met me within the past mmmmm 4 months you would think im an emotionally stable girl who pretty much has her shit together and is only going to community college right now because she partied to much at her college or didn’t like it but prob the first one and she was prob never in iop and who knows maybe I wanna get to know her she might not have baggage BUT REALLY I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING BAGGAGE HAHAHAHAH LOL I LOL AT PEOPLE WHO THINK I DON’T HAVE ANY LIKE HELLOOOOO COME ON I AM BAGGAGE QUEEN PROB AND IM BIPOLAR AND I HAVE HAD SOOOOOO MANY BREAK DOWNS AND RUNNED MY LIFE DOWN TO NOTHING AND HAD TO PICK IT BACK UP AND THEN RAN IT BACK DOWN AND HAD TO PICK IT BACK UP AND I MAY BE MENTALLY STABLE RN BUT IM LITERALLY A TICKING TIME BOMB THAT’S GONNA HAVE A HYPOMANIC EPISODE ANY FUCKING DAY AND NOW HERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND OUT OF NO WHERE IM GONNA GO CRAZY AND THE COOL GIRL WITH HER SHIT TOGETHER THAT YOU ONCE THOUGHT I WAS WAS THERE NO MORE AND I BECOME A MONSTER WHO ONLY CARES ABOUT HERSELF AND GETTING HER WAY AND WILL DO WHATEVER SHE CAN TO GET THAT AND DOES NOT CARE ABOUT HURTING OTHERS AND SHE JUST BECOMES HORRIBLE AND DOES STUFF SHE KNOWS SHE SHOULDN’T BUT SHES SO IMPULSIVE THAT SHE DOESN’T CARE AND SHE HAS HALF OF HER MIND TELLING HER SHE SHOULDN’T DO THOSE THINGS BUT THE OTHER HALF IS TELLING HER HOW BAD SHE WANTS TO DO IT AND THEN THAT HALF OF HER BRAIN TAKES OVER HER SELF CONTROL AND SHES DOING IT AND THEN THIS STAYS ON REPEAT FOR A LITTLE AND SHE PUSHES AWAY PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT HER AND FIGHTS WITH ANYONE SHE POSSIBLY CAN AND IT’S A MESS IT’S A MESS IT’S A MESS AND THENNNNNNNNNNNNN shes back down to the bottom of the world and hating herself for everything she did and questioning every motive in her life that shes ever had and questioning if they led to the experience she just felt and that shes feeling now and hating herself for not taking good enough care of herself to prevent the low from happening and shutting herself out even more because she messed up so many things in that hypo state that she cant even bear to deal with at the moment and the thought of it freaks her out so she sleeps so she doesn’t have to bear with that feeling and to make the numbness go away and she sleeps and sleeps and sleeps and sleeps until shes woken by her worried mother and she tries to get her mother to go away and begs and begs her to let her sleep but her mom knows sleeping is not the right choice for her so she makes her move to the couch and on the couch she blankly looks at the tv not really even paying attention to anything her mind is blank her gaze is blank everything about her is blank she is empty she is lost she is alone she is nothing and she feels like she will never ever ever be anything ever again and she questions why shes even still living and if anyone would even miss her if she wasn’t here and then she thinks about her family and the friends that she still has and how her ending her pain will only pass it on to the people she loves and the people she loves are the only thing in life that she loves at the moment so she cant bear to do it but some days it just gets so bad that she thinks so deeply about it and tries to tell herself everyone will be okay and it’s the only way the pain will ever end but then she thinks about her mom and it makes her not want to do it and then she sleeps more and sleeps more and sleeps more and sleeps more and sleeps more and sleeps until the cycle repeats and its day in and day out until her mom tells her she cant deal with this anymore and makes her go to the dr and the dr puts her on meds that make her a brick wall and she either is drowsy all the time or just has no personality and every single time she is put on a new med she experiences the rare side effects that come with it that most people normally don’t get so then she has to switch again and this cycle repeats itself until she finds one that works with her and she takes it because she knows its what she needs to do to be normal and to function like everyone. Oh how bad she wants to function like everyone else. So she keeps taking these pills every day and then her life begins to balance and she starts to get her life together again and she patches holes she made in her life before and she tries to find something that she wants to do with her life and she goes to school again and she starts to feel like the person she knows she is before and she comes back and then the medication that she was on gives her a bad side effect but her dr tells her shes been stable for so long and doing so well and that maybe she was never even bipolar in the first place maybe it was just add so she takes her off the medication and the medication leaves her system and her personality starts to come back and shes happy shes truly happy and shes stable and she has this love for life and she does everything she should and can talk herself out of doing the things that she shouldn’t do even if she wants to do them her decision making skills are so much better and shes so proud of the person shes become and her friends and family tell her the same thing and she loves herself and everything is so good and then when she thinks she really has a grasp on life and maybe she totally has this beat and it wont come back MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA IT IS BAAAAAAAACK. b

[dirtyjazminrice]

1 - Who was the last person you texted? - My mom

2 - When is your birthday? - May 9

3 - Who do you want to be with right now? - I wish Ryan didn’t have to work tomorrow so we could be hanging out right now

4 - What sports do you play? - None

5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? - My aunt Diane 

6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? - Whichever song on the Poptopia spotify playlist had that sexy ass bass that had me feeling a certain kind of way on the drive home from work. Also, Praying by Kesha

7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? - Ryan or Bear Grylls

8 - What do you feel right now? - Conflicted. I want to watch the new episodes on the Bob’s Burgers live stream, but i also want to start A Court of Thorns and Roses

9 - What chocolate is your favorite? - Dark

10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? - The past tense sounds ominous. I’ve had 2 in the past and 1 right now, so 3

11 - Why did you create a Tumblr account? - Because my emo friends in high school had them and i wanted to be a part of the group

12 - Who is your favorite blogger? - Jenna Marbles technically counds

13 - Where do you want to be right now? - In the mountains or by the beach

14 - What do you want to be in the future? - Happy and financially stable

15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? - Last night. I finished Eleanor and Park. WHY WOULDN’T SHE WRITE HIM BACK. WHY DIDN’T SHE CALL HIM. WHY DIDN’T SHE TELL HIM SHE LOVED HIM TOO. WILL THEY EVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN

16 - Are you happy? - Momentarily I’m bummed, but ultimately I’m very happy

17 - Who do you miss? - Caitlin

18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? - No

19 - What was the best thing you were given? - The gold coated rose Ryan gave me a few years ago

20 - Who was the last person who called you? - Sophia

21 - What is your favorite dish? - Sushi

22 - Who is your bestfriend? - Loaded question.

23 - What is your biggest regret? - Not applying to that Nebraska Furniture Mart job before it went off Indeed

24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? - NEVER

25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? - I’m not sure what this means, but probably Ryan

26 - Name someone pretty. - I’m having a harder time thinking of someone who isn’t pretty

27 - Who was the last person you hugged? - Ryan. He had a rough day.

28 - What kind of music do you listen to? - Loud music, preferably with bass. So hard rock, rap, EDM, etc

29 - Are you over your past? - Sure? lol

30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? - My old assistant manager Vail

31 - What kind of person do you want to date? - Someone exactly like Ryan

32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? - Only when I eat too soon before bed

33 - From whom was the last text message you received? - My mom

34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? - Jeans always

35 - How’s your heart? - She’s good. Wishes her questions were answered about Eleanor and Park

36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”? - No, but all my exes have

37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? - A little

38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? - I’d take the high road and ask him how Europe was or tell him the hair cut was a good idea, but I’d want to ask him how it felt when the girl he cheated on me with and always was in love with the 3 years we were together got pregnant with another guys baby, and will never ever be with him ever again

39 - Do you have any phobias? - Death and spiders

40 - Did you try to change for a person? - I tried to change for my first boyfriend because I was young and desperate

41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? - Most recently I gave Ryan the best birthday presents of his entire life. Got it all on video. I also gave him a very sentimental book commemorating our relationship and it made him cry so that too

42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? - Hell no. Mostly i look back and wonder why i let myself stay with him for so long. I guess wildly changing friend groups (and sometimes no friends) made me want some stability

43 - Are you in a good or bad mood? - Good to neutral. It’s the weekend

44 - Name someone you can’t live without. - My family and Ryan

45 - Describe your dream date. - Hiking in the mountains, exploring hidden water forms, kayaking in a large body of water (if it’s an ocean, extra points), playing in the water, going to eat sushi, and then resigning back to our bedroom for the end of the night

46 - Describe your dream wedding. - Not expensive.

47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? - Never really celebrated Valentine’s day. It seems lame to me, whether I’m in a relationship or not. Anymore it’s just an instagram competition and it’s exhausting.

48 - Have you ever been kissed? - A few times

49 - How long is your longest relationship? - 4 years today (exactly. yay happy anniversary Jazmin and Ryan)

50 - Do you regret your past? - No

51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? - Can I? Yeah. Will I? Idk depends on what and who

52 - Have you ever cried over someone? - I’ve cried over everything, i assure you

53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? - Idk probably

54 - Are you a crybaby? - Hell ye

55 - Do people praise you for your looks? - Sometimes

56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? - No

57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? - Not that i can think of

58 - Do you like getting hurt? - Who likes that?

59 - Does anyone hate you? - If they do i don’t know about it. I’d prefer not to. It’d give me anxiety

60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? - I’ve never slapped anyone

61 - What hair color do you prefer? - Dark brown

62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? - Wow this brought an onslaught of insecurities. Let’s avoid changing physical appearance and say I’d more pure hearted

63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? - Hell ye

64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? - No

65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? - I don’t go to school (thank god)

66 - Can you live without internet? - I could but I don’t want to

67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone? - All of my hard rock, especially Rise Against and Linkin Park. Also You’ll Be in My Heart by Phil Collins

68 - Are you good at holding back your tears? - No. I like to think I can do it but i cannot

69 - Are you a crybaby? - You asked that already. I definitely am

70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? - No

71 - Are you a KPOP fan? - No

72 - Do you study hard? - I study medium

73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? - Yes

74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? - yes

75 - Have you ever ridden a boat? - Yes

76 - Did you have an accident last year? - Like car accident? No

77 - What kind of person are you? - what the fuck kind of huge ass question is that. Like i even know. look at my blog. it probably won’t help anyway

78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? - No, wtf

79 - Have you ever been jealous? - Oh yeah. Another thing i’d change about myself is being less jealous and focusing on what i have and not comparing myself to anyone else

80 - How can you prove your love to someone? - being emotionally there for them, always listening to them and giving them a shoulder to lean on

81 - What are you thinking right now? - how i’m no longer paying attention to the new bob’s burgers episodes

82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? - fuck who cares about my contacts

83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? - there was this one time in elementary school when i was with my daycare we went to the lincoln children museum and we were in a play vet area and this older boy had a play syringe and said he was going to put me to sleep and that really freaked me out and fucked me up

84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? - I mean probably

85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? - i am a sinner

86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? - wtf i’m not a newborn 

87 - Do you have trust issues? - not really. i’m super trusting

88 - Are you broken-hearted? - no

89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? - ryan

90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? - all what pain? all pain we ever experience? no i don’t think all pain has purpose. some pain is just needless and painful

91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? - not really. i don’t think there’s some predestined future.

92 - Who do you want to marry? - ryan

93 - Do you believe in destiny? - no

94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? - yeah, though i think people could end up with a variety of different partners. I don’t think everyone has only one person.

95 - How do you look right now? - not my best, but lots of side boob

96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? - no

97 - Have you found your true love? - ye

98 - What should you be doing right now? - paying attention to bob’s burgers, reading my book, or applying to other jobs

99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends. - aaron. there might still be posts on my blog about him somewhere

100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? - eh i don’t think so