#I am BEGGING every part of the production team not to ruin his character

[novafire-is-thinking]

SCREAMING

GUESS WHO’S COMING TO EARTHSPARK 👀

[dmydfilmreviews]

MARVEL MOMENTS

 So what they really did, as well as making a good load of films, was actually make a vast tapestry of genius interwoven moments like flicking through a big comic book! Ten years! Twenty something movies! A load of rubbish images at the end of the list because the last three films weren’t officially out on Blu Ray! Avengers assssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Tony Builds the First Suit

 Really it was a stroke of brilliance to start the whole shebang with Iron Man the self-made superhero. The backbone of the whole universe is that of Tony making himself and that all kicks off here, in a sequence that’s hugely thematically satisfying given what comes later. There’s also the fact that back in the day all this construction stuff was just fucking cool, a Nolan-lite bedrock for a blend of realism and fantasy that comic-book cinema had never quite nailed before. Seeing Tony improve his tech step-by-step is a quiet pleasure of these movies, the suits getting more and more outlandish but staying absolutely believable, just like the films, and that all kicks off here with one guy and a non-magical hammer.

Pepper Pulls Out Tony’s Heart

 I noted these all down before Endgame, honestly. Sob. It was always his story really. The best example of the foundational relationship of the MCU: They finish each other’s sentences!

‘Truth is… I am Iron Man.’

 They knew what they’d got from the very first. This ballsy coda sets the tone for the whole MCU, one of backed-up swagger, a willingness to fuck with the source material in the name of story and the general feeling that Robert Downey Jr. was God. All in like two hours. That they flipped the egotistically iconic line into an era-defining declaration of responsibility, growth and heroism a decade later is nothing short of remarkable.

Hulk and Betty in the Rain

 It’s uh… it’s a nice comic-book visual of a classic comic book romance, I guess? Look, Hulk came a long way later, but his forgotten love for Betty was the closest they ever came to the source material outside of the Hulk generally smashing and being awesome. It was sweet!

The Bit Where Hulk Suplexes a Giant Zombie Wolf on the Rainbow Bridge of Asgard

 wait was this in the Incredible Hulk

I’ve Successfully Privatised World Peace!’ ‘Fuck you, Mr Stark.’

 They got Garry Shandling in these movies!

The Suitcase Suit

 Now that is a cool-ass adaptation.

Black Widow Kicks Asses

 Yeah, after a whole movie of being reductive eye-candy she was still reductive eye-candy here. But the scene as a whole’s basically a perfect realisation of her moves in the comics, and showed Marvel were capable of doing someone who wasn’t Iron Man. Then they did EVERYYYYOONNNNNNEEE bonus points for Happy taking out that one guy and yelling ‘I got him!’

Tony and Rhodey in the Japanese Gardens

 Look, they just look cool, OK? No one said this was going to be deep.

Tony and Pepper as the Stark Expo Explodes

 They haven’t managed a lot of great romance, but this one hella works: Tony’s overblown mess of a movie expo exploding behind the true love of his life is a visual so great that Shane Black nicked it wholesale for the climax of Iron Man Three: Christmas in Croydon.

The Frost Giant Throwdown

 Wait, what’s happening? I thought these were the movies where Jeff Bridges rode a Segway? Are we in SPAAAAACCCCCEEEE?

Thor Can’t Pull It Off

 Out of the big three Thor’s arc of mythology to humanity might be the deepest and most satisfying of all. That starts here with his tearful inability to be worthy of his father, his world and, crucially, himself, leading directly into the first great Thor/Loki exchange, then a whole host of movies that eventually put him through the emotional wringer to self-acceptance. Hopefully?

Thor and Loki Battle on the Rainbow Bridge

 Yeah, it looks kind of goofy, but this is pure sixties Kirby, shorn of the irony the series would develop later. Beautiful.

Erskine Points To Cap’s Heart

 That’s it. That’s the character.

The Star Spangled Man!

 Who’ll hang a noose on the goose-stepping goons from Berliiiin?

That Whole War Montage That Ends With Bucky Falling From The Train

 Just smash after smash after smash of wartime Cap goodness that we’d never see again, ending with the ‘death’ that’d define the rest of his story. Steve lost as much as Thanos in his quest for peace but, y’know, he wasn’t a total fucking intergalactic dick about it.

‘I gotta put her in the water!’

 Man alive he waited for that date... whether you think the ending of Endgame ruins the moment somewhat (it doesn’t. sort of), this was still the biggest heart-tugger in the MCU at that point, and defined the characters of Cap and Peggy for years to come. Watch Agent Carter! Just bloody watch it!

'Lemme Put You On Hold’

 The stand out moment of The Avengers is basically all of it, but let’s start with the moment Black Widow finally becomes a character, a sequence of broad-strokes skill from Scarlett Johansson and Joss Whedon that begged for a movie she finally got way too long later. Bonus points for possibly the greatest Coulson reaction shot in a history of great reaction shots.

The Helicarrier Ascends

 OK, shit – this is series is big now.

The Whole of Stuttgart

 Whedon’s love of classical posh entertainment is seen in Angel’s superior ballet episode and his fondness for Sondheim, and he even gets a bit of the ol’ jewellery rattling in here in a perfectly pitched Loki-loving sequence that culminates in some fantastic bits for Cap before Iron Man AC/DC’s all over the place. This is where the comic book stuff really kicks off.

‘YOU COME HOME!’

 This Hemsworth’s fella’s really got something...

Forest Bro Down

 Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. The first real Avengers mash-up is just wonderful. This is where the wish-fulfilment really begins, in a quiet clearing, where three superheroes nearly beat the shit out of each other in classic comic-book style. The Avengers assembled.

The Whole Fuckin’ Helicarrier Sequence

 An absolute masterpiece of blockbuster juggling that had never been done before, this could be the third act of any other film. Over what plays out weirdly like a piece of theatre we get terrifying Hulks, mewling quims and awesome heroics, all expertly laced with wonderful character mash-ups and action we’d never seen before. Then Coulson dies. This is what Joss Whedon does.

‘There was an idea…’

 Fuck shit yeah there was, and it made for a hell of an Infinity War trailer six years later.

ALL OF NEW YORK

 Yep, all of it, but if we’re being picky it’s Hulk v Loki for the comedy side, the tracking shot for the action. As a sequence it’s never been bettered in the MCU, even in the open-mouthed joy-gush of Infinity War and Endgame. FIGHT ME

Go Fish

 Iron Man Three is a wonderful movie that works best as the sum of its parts, but there’s one bit that’s up there with the pantheon: the sky-diving rescue above the bay is such a joyous subversion of the usual third-act super-fisticuffs that it’s like something out of a 70’s Superman movie, only with a hilarious capper at the end where Iron Man explodes under a truck. Beep beep!

Running the Lemurian Star

 The Russo Brother’s action calling-card for their incredible MCU run, this sets up their vision of Cap’s super-subtle-super-serum-super-moves. From the off it’s a game changer in the way action’s shot across the MCU, clean-cut raid-alikes becoming the order of the day. AND THEN HE FIGHTS BATROC ZE LEAPER

Elevator Throwdown

 Yeah, yeah, we all know the actual bit in the elevator that’s spoofed to tremendous effect come Endgame, but remember this sequence ends with Cap TAKING DOWN A FUCKING QUINJET SINGLE-HANDED. The look on his face at the end says it all.

The Winter Soldier Street Fight

HE FLICKS A KNIFE MID PUNCH

Come and Get Your Love

 We’d seen a lot of cool shit from the MCU by this point, but this was something else again. It’s funny! It’s funny as fuck! What the fuck is this movie? And again, they know their own best bits: the return to this in Endgame is top drawer. What a moron.

The Kyln Sequence

 This whole breakout is the Guardians at their very best; squabbling in space, reluctant teamwork, loads of cool shit and leg theft. The bit where it all goes anti-grav is a treat.

WE ARE GROOT

 That’s it. That’s the movie.

…Stark…

 It’s a shame they didn’t delve deeper into Scarlet Witch’s hatred for the man who murdered her parents, but her barely contained rage is the keystone for Age of Ultron: deeper, nastier, more questioning of it’s heroes and their heroism. This one they brought on all by themselves.

Sun’s Gettin’ Real Low

 Yeah, maybe it’s for the best the slightly bumbled Hulktasha relationship was forgotten about, but this moment was pivotal in the character development of both. Beautifully shot, and leads to a primo Ragnarok gag.

Lift That Hammer

 You genuinely could have made a whole movie of these characters hanging out at an open bar. The Stan cameo’s great, the War Machine story bit gets an Endgame alien planet boost much later, but it’s the drunken worthiness competition that’s the real highlight, a seemingly fun throwaway that actually almost single-handedly sets up the whole character of Vision and the most fist-pumping moment of Endgame, a movie nearly entirely composed of fist-pumping moments.

Hulk vs Hulkbuster

 Pure comic-book wish fulfilment again, and how. From Hulk spitting out a tooth to Tony desperately pleading ‘go to sleep go to sleep go to sleep’, this mad clash of science pals knocks every Transformers movie straight through a freshly-bought-building. Veronica!

Well Done.

 Alright, Vision’s no one’s favourite Avenger, but he’s one who’s the satisfying product of several movie plots, one beloved supporting AI and the combined brains, magic and cool red capes of his team. Whedon performs his own mad-skillz level script trick to make us accept this fucking weirdo, first by giving him Jarvis’ voice, then having him stare out at a world and see his reflection in it, then having him lift an unliftable character-establishment hammer. None of this could be done by any other film series.

The Geometry of Belief

 Ultron’s climactic church-a-maggedon is short but perfect, a swirling mass of splash-page insanity that culminates in a glorious trinity of Vision, Iron Man and Thor blasting the shit out of their mad son like a magic triangle. The Avengers at their peak.

Vision and Ultron Have a Chat

 Whedon pops out these gems of detached humanism from time to time, and his sundown final exchange between The Avenger’s success and failure is a doozy. The most poetic little scene in the whole MCU, voiced by two creatures who look like nightmarish dildos. ‘A thing isn’t beautiful because it lasts’ is an all-timer.

Big Bathtub

 Ant Man’s bedrock might be its family values, but it’s the shrinking that makes it stand out. The first time Scott drops into tiny-town is a Pixar-esque fun-burst akin to Stephen Strange’s nutso jump into infinity later, with deadly bath taps, thunderclap vacuum cleaners and mid-day apartment raves (?) all bringing a new level of threat and adventure to a series already teeming with variety. They should carry these ones on foreverrrrr

Cassie’s Room

 There’s something about this scene that sums up Scott’s whole character and hopefully sets up his daughter for future ant shenanigans: he is (was) unique as a hero with a family, and no matter how many Pym Particles he stuffs into his suit he’s always looked like a giant to his daughter. Plus, y’know, Thomas the Tank Engine.

Some Guy Crashes a Car at Night

 The catalyst for the great middle schism. Civil War is a masterclass of twisting, gut-churning reveals, and this is the quiet moment that starts it all.

QUEENS

 The perfect Marvel character, introduced into the perfect realisation of the Marvel Universe, perfectly.

Running Into Each Other At The Airport

LITTLE MAN IS BIG NOW I’M CLINT WE HAVEN’T MET YET I DON’T CARE WHERE YOU FROM KID QUEENS BROOKLYN I’M YOUR CONSCIENCE WE HAVEN’T SPOKEN IN A WHILE YOU GUYS KNOW THAT OLD MOVIE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK HOW OLD IS THIS KID ETC ETC OH MY GOD MY BRAIN HAS EXPLODED

Cap vs Iron Man

 ‘I don’t care. He killed my mom.’  

The Big Brain Burst

 They keep doing bits to expand themselves, and this is one of the best, with the most potential for the future. Fleeting, but dazzling.

New York Mirror Fest

 If the next Strange movies delve into this deranged nonsense then they could end up the greatest of all of them. This is the tip of the iceberg, and it’s still unlike anything else being done in mainstream cinema.

Mr Blue Sky

 In a movie that frequently reaches big and misses, at least it hits the spot at the beginning. This glorious celebration of family, space-craziness and genre subversion is everything Guardians does best. The Gamora / Groot bit is adorable.

Peter’s Civil War Adventure

 The perfect tone-setter for the story’s most-average joe, this ground-level view of the universe’s biggest clash acts as a whippet quick intro to Peter Parker’s world in the big bad MCU. It’s always a thrill to see him where he belongs.

The Homage to Getting Buried Under a Tonne of Crap

 Homecoming’s riffs on classic Spidey-lore are generally pretty subtle, but when it comes time to show what Peter’s really made of Watts rips directly from the best, first with the iconic Parker/Spidey face split and then with him holding up a whole fucking building like he’s nerd Hulk or something. The added ‘come on Spider-Mans’ are the adorable icing on the homage-o-cake.

Anytime That Immigrant Song Plays

Another!

Thor vs Hulk

 Yeah, it’s not perfect and it’s a little CGIey. But it’s Thor fighting the Hulk in a fucking galactic gladiator arena place run by Jeff Goldblum and it smashes and it’s full of fun callbacks to previous movies. Yes! That’s what it feels like!

Thor and Loki Do Get Help

 The perfect encapsulation of Waititi’s irreverent-but-with-tonnes-of-heart freshgasm on the story of Thor, this bit of hilarious dumb shit acts as amusing action beat and neat character resolution all in one. They’re friends again! They’re brothers! Thor throws him around like a rolled up carpet!

What Are You The God of Again?

 Oh right, so he’s the best Avenger now.

Killmonger in the Afterlife

 The bloody heart of the most emotional Marvel movie, when Erik Killmonger enters the Wakandan afterlife he finds himself in his own tiny Compton apartment, exiled with his father forever with the plains of eternity just out of reach beyond the window. Heartbreaking, and brilliant.

Thanos Arrives

 The opening of Infinity War is another example of their absolute mastery of tone; after the megaton funblast of Ragnarok we’re thrown into the end of that movie being ripped apart, before Thanos appears, dragging a battered Thor into frame, beats seven shades of green shit out the Hulk and murders two beloved supporting characters, all without breaking a sweat. If you weren’t excited before you were now.

New York Tussle

 The opening New York section of Infinity War is all very clever, acting as the only grounding Earthy moment in what’s a pretty out-there narrative in terms of existential stakes. You get Tony and Wong helping people off the sidewalk and Strange winking after halting the space-death-machine, but from there on out it’s full-bore comic-book smackdown fun, clashing characters who’ve never met and providing top-drawer banter about wizards and children’s parties. This is the page, up there on screen.

BRING ME THANOS!

 BRING ME THANOS!

The Thanos Fight

 Jesus fucking Christ. Up there with the end of Avengers and the Civil War airport battle, this is a perfect realisation of superhero action, with a bigger dose of high-level insanity courtesy of the Infinity Stones and Doctor Strange. Sublimely realised, incredibly satisfying, with real weight and thought put into the spectacle, it’s also fantastic in the narrative of the film, the culmination of its themes of desperation and inevitability. The first time you saw them try to rip off the gauntlet was unbearable.

The Snap

 Well, yeah. You’ll never get back the first time you saw this. And imagine seeing it as a fucking kid.#

Just a Girl

 Sure the big level-up CGI fest at the end is good, but it’s the comedy smackdown on the Kree ship that’s the most satisfying part of Captain Marvel, the shit-eating joy on Carol’s face as she discovers she’s way more powerful than the assholes who’ve been holding her back. It’s corny sure, but it’s hella fun.

Thor Goes For The Head

 Endgame is a shocking, disorientating blur to begin with, all the characters you loved acting in strange, desperate ways in a super-hero version of post-traumatic stress disorder. Tony’s meltdown is bad enough, but it’s when Thor just straight up fucking murders Thanos that you know this is going to get dark and serious. It doesn’t, it remembers it’s a Marvel movie, but the shot of him walking out into the blurred alien sun, cape aflutter, is a fitting goodbye to a more innocent time of heroics.

Ant Man and Cassie

 A moment that could be worthy of a whole movie itself, a desperate Scott Lang meeting his five-years-older daughter gives a joke character a serious moment in the same way Infinity War did for Guardians. It’s very odd, very sweet and very Marvel.

Love You 3000

 Morgan H. Stark is almost a little too on the nose as a wrap-up for Tony, but hell, she’s still sweet as all hell and a perfect capper to his story of fatherhood and responsibility. It’s a mark of the work they’ve put in that we’ll almost immediately accept the tired trope of kid-taking-over-mantle when she inevitably puts on the armour in a few years.

Steve and Peggy / Tony and Howard

 This is the bit in Endgame where I finally started tearing up: a lot of it is too-neat fan-service, but fuck it, they’ve put in so much effort that it works. This is the scene where you realise both of these long arcs are coming to an end, the resolution of Steve quietly making his decision to go back to Peggy and Tony getting the closer of discussing parenthood with his unknowing father. It’s corny sure, but so are comic books, and setting the whole bit at the height of seventies Marvel Comics mania is a loving nod to the imaginations that made all these crazy possibilities possible.

Widow and Hawkeye

 There’s a theme here. All of these moments are kind of cheesy and rely heavily on callbacks to previous bits… but at the moment it doesn’t matter because ENDGAME WOW. Maybe we’ll look back at it as a corny misstep, but for the moment, Clint and Tasha having one last, ludicrously overblown tussle for who gets to live is a sweet capper that never goes as deep as the others because they’re supporting characters. It still stings, and it’s a neat mirror to Gamora and Thanos in Infinity War. The red’s gone from her ledger! It’s on the rocks! Urrrgh

Nebula Kills Herself

 Again, they’re so good that they can spend a big chunk of time in what’s ostensibly the last big movie for their most beloved characters on making a lesser character beloved. Endgame spotlights Nebula even more than Infinity War did Gamora, using her self-hatred and fear of her father for compelling, wibbly-wobbly plot and character beats. The resolution of her story and her newfound place with her team should make for a whole different Guardians before we even get to Fortnite-Thor joining up.

Cap Wields The Hammer

 ‘I KNEW IT!’

Thanos’ Army

 One last escalation of scale. When Thanos’ army finally arrives it’s like something out of those apocalyptic Turner paintings, where the hordes of a ship-wrecked hell confront eternity under skies ripped from heaven. Only this time they’re facing one guy called Steve, and they’re fucked. Incredible.

Avengers… Assemble

 It almost lives up to what you always had in your head. The Marvel Universe, somehow done right.

Tony Hugs Peter Back

Awwww!

New Avengers Run the Gauntlet

 A surprising amount of Endgame’s grand finale is given over to the future hopes; while Strange gets stuck in with holding back a Biblical flood it’s up to Black Panther to grab the Infinity Gauntlet from Clint in a delightful callback to Civil War, before embarking on an intense relay race across the entire battlefield that begins with Scarlet Witch crushing the shit out of Thanos’ testicles and ends with Captain Marvel engaging the Mad Titan in a bone-crushing show of super-strength. And along the way if finds time to have Peter Parker dragged through the air by Thor’s hammer which was thrown by Captain America before landing on a Pegasus flown by Valkryie across an exploding sky of alien whales. Maybe the most satisfying run of action since the first Avengers.

I am Iron Man

 It was always going to be him really. Bonus points for Downey Jr. originally telling Thanos to ‘Fuck off’. Did anyone else keep thinking he was going to wake up and quip and everything would be OK? That’s how you make movies.

The Funeral

 It looks a little weird actually, like they weren’t all on set. But they were! The Marvel Universe again, holy smokes.

The Kiss

 Now that’s how you end ten years and twenty one movies. They’re movies! It was romantic! It was exciting! It was fun!

For TEN FUCKING YEARS.

Swing a Ding Ding Sir

 After five movies of fresh shit they've finally starting dumping some classic Spider-Man on us; the Euro stuff's fun and all, but it's Far From Home delirious climax that sees Spidey and MJ thwipping through the canyons of New York before bumping into ugly ol' J. Jonah JJ Jay Jay likes it's a freakin' comic book or something. Delightful, and also serves as a wonderful image of hope and joy post-Endgame.

What a fuckin’ ride. Here’s to the next... seventy six? Seventy seven?

wait did I leave any out

[thebachelordiaries]

The Shit Show..I Mean ‘The Bachelor’ Finale Recap

Editor’s Note: I wrote 90 percent of this recap right after the finale came out. Did I post it? Nope. Why not, you ask? Because I just didn’t, ok? One of my friends even called me out on it/ shamed me for not having my recap up. (Hi Feroze, this post is dedicated to you.) Anyway, I’m posting my recap now because I have an inkling the cast list for The Bachelorette is coming out soon and I want to have this posted before that happens. I like to plan in advance. I’m a very organized person. Clearly. Without further ado, read my recap of The Bachelor finale and weep....

No matter what happened on The Bachelor finale, you’ve got to admit that it was good television.

Becca Kufrin is am amazing woman who would make the best wife.

And that’s why Arie chose her.

But he went against his heart when he was so obviously in love with Lauren. 

And now he’s paying the consequences.

I honestly can see why he was so torn. I recently watched Bachelorette Canada (great show, please watch it) and Jasmine had to choose between Kevin and Mikhel. For those who don’t know, Mikhel is an amazing dude who would make the perfect husband. He’s sweet, handsome, emotional, smart, blah, blah, blah. Jasmine knows this, but her heart wanted to go with Kevin. And that’s what she did. She got a lot of slack for not going with the ideal man (Mikhel), but maybe following your heart is the way to go. Arie proved going with the logical choice didn’t work out so well. (And let’s just ignore the fact that Jasmine and Kevin broke up like nine months later...that’s irrelevant to my point.)

Oh my gosh there is so much to say about the finale! I’m overwhelmed.

Meeting The Parents

Lauren B goes first. While she’s not a big talker, Arie’s parents seemed to really like her. 

But Arie’s sister-in-law asked a question that got Arie reconsidering things: “Could you stay up all night talking to her?” His response showed he wasn’t so sure Lauren could do that.

You know how I know that Arie’s parents liked Lauren? Because they couldn’t stop talking about her to Becca. Poor Becca was obviously bothered by it, but at the end of the day, she’s the type of girl who “crushes” meeting the family. 

Arie’s family came to the conclusion that Becca was more “wifey” material and would challenge him more than Lauren. While I don’t think their opinions should matter that much after only spending two hours with the women, a conflicted Arie definitely took it into consideration. 

Fun fact: Ben Higgin’s mom actually preferred JoJo but admitted it was just based on first impressions and didn’t matter much. Ben convinced production to not air that part on the show. However, it did end up as a deleted scene.

After meeting the parents, Arie was suddenly on Team Becca.

That is....until his next date with Lauren.

Final Dates

Despite knowing he isn’t going to pick her, Arie goes hiking up Machu Picchu with Lauren. Here, they have such a good time that he changes his mind...again. 

Plus, Lauren finally opens up and starts to become more vulnerable with Arie. In an ITM he said he fell in love with her early on and couldn’t explain why (sounds like Ben Higgins.) He says if he could propose this second, it would be to Lauren.

However, he has one more date with Becca. And he once again changes his mind...again. Surprise, surprise. 

Another surprise: I don’t remember what Becca and Arie did on their date. All I know is that Arie changes his mind for the final time. 

Engagement Day

This was hard to watch. I think Ashely I. said on her podcast that the woman who got rejected by Arie would be the most led on in Bachelor history.

Each girl was so confident going into the end because I think Arie truly didn’t know who he was going to pick. He claims his final decision was made that morning.

Arie dumped Lauren and said he gave their relationship “all he had,” whatever that means.

This man is holding the woman’s hand he dumped up to his heart.

Here are the three sentences Lauren said after she was dumped:

“I’m extremely confused.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I still love you.”

In the limo, Lauren said Arie chose the easy route. And I completely agree. 

Takeaway: I guess this is a lesson for all of us that we should follow our hearts and not our minds.

Arie then proposes to Becca K. I’m not sure whether it was because I knew it wasn’t going to work out, but I didn’t feel any passion in this engagement.

I also barely looked at the ring, which is like, very out of character for me.

Becca and Arie say they’re going to start making babies that night, acting all happy and stuff. However, we knew the [upcoming] truth. 

Apparently right after they left Peru, Arie started regretting his decision.

Happy Couples Weekend

First and foremost, ABC does not record happy couples weekends. Yet Becca was somehow convinced that nothing was out of the ordinary that weekend. The devil works hard but Bachelor producers work harder.

Becca and Arie got engaged in mid-November. From there, they got to see each other every-other weekend at a “safe house” typically in LA with no cameras involved. Just them. 

At this time around mid-January, a producer tricked Becca into believing they were doing a “happy couples update” or something. But instead of an update, Arie dumps Becca for Lauren, and we have to watch Becca’s heartbreak in real time, sans editing. It was hard to watch. Mainly because Arie was so awkward, showed little empathy for Becca and stayed long past his welcome.

On top of “feeling like [her] future was ripped away” from her, Becca was sent home and sat in the middle economy seat back to Minnesota. Brutal.

Virginia Is For Ex Lovers

Now that Arie is free of Becca, he travels to Virginal Beach to win back his woman, Lauren B.

But let’s be real here. Arie knew Lauren would take him back before he even broke up with Becca. 

Despite having a panic attack before meeting Lauren at her parents’ house in Virginia Beach, she jumps into his arms without hesitation. I know she probably had more questions when speaking with him on the phone, but she took him back a little too easily in my opinion. Make this guy sweat a little. Like, he led you on more than any other person in Bachelor history, broke your heart and got engaged to another woman because you weren’t “marriage material” enough; make him beg. 

BUT ALSO: He did ruin his public image for her.....how many men can you say would do that for YOU?

So, while some people would rather die alone with lots of regret than take someone back who broke their heart, Lauren sucked it up and forgave Arie. I give her major props.

A Timeline of Arie’s giant fuck up:

Mid-November— Arie proposes to Becca

Late November to December— Arie starts missing Lauren (apparently he posted an IG story wearing socks Lauren gave her. (Wait, is Arie 21-year-old me giving subtle signs on social media to the guy I like?) Lauren watched the video and says she was “confused” by it.

New Years Day— Arie slides into Lauren’s DMs (with Becca’s alleged permission)

One Week Later— Arie dumps Becca in front of cameras.

Mid-January— Arie travels to Virginia Beach to get back with Lauren.

Mid-March— After The Final Rose airs live. Arie asks Lauren to marry him in a very cringeworthy proposal (don’t worry it wasn’t the same ring.) 

Still Mid-March— Becca pretends to be over the breakup so she can be announced as The Bachelorette. Becca meets five men who will be vying for her love. America loses their shit.

Did Airing The Breakup Cross The Line?

Most people felt that Arie’s “real time” breakup with Becca went too far. After all, nothing like this has happened before on the show. Becca went from happy, to shocked, to upset, to utterly heartbroken in front of our eyes. Somehow she didn’t curse out Arie or smack in him the face, which by America’s standards means she exudes class.

I agree that airing the breakup was messed up. But it had to be done. How else would Becca become The Bachelorette? No one would understand her storyline. Everyone would complain that she wasn’t emotionally ready to find love again. To be honest, it probably is too soon, but after watching Becca have her heart broken, America is emotionally invested in her love story. We all want to see her happy. And I will argue she has the best storyline of any Bachelorette in the history of the show.

So, to answer my own question: Yes, but it was necessary.

Do You Support Arie and Lauren’s Relationship?

I disagree with the argument that he loved Lauren and Becca equally, regretted his decision and then went back to Lauren. 

He always loved Lauren more. He just went with the “on paper” choice.

Based on what was shown of the season, Arie was completely infatuated with Lauren. I wrote this in one of my recaps without knowing any spoilers.

I am clairvoyant. 

Arie RUINED...RUINEDDDDD his public reputation to get Lauren back. He is hated by America now. This man decided that having Lauren was more important than being liked by millions of people. That takes some balls. Politically correct Ben Higgins would never. Nick “put me on another reality show” Viall would never. Farmer Chris Soules will allegedly kill someone, but still, would never.

You can hate Arie all you want, but you gotta respect him. He literally destroyed any speckle of pride he had left to get back with Lauren. Find you a man who will throw away all his pride to be with you. 

I hope they last and have lots of Arie and Lauren babies. I find their love story really romanic. Sue me.

[docmurph12]

Ok. So two parter on CATS coming up. POSSIBLY a three parter depending on how long it takes to get through background. Here we go......

So my first request review comes from my good friend. I'm not sure how this is going to go, because I'm going whole hog on this one, again in the interest of pure objectivity.

My understanding of CATS is this. It was a Broadway musical based very loosely on T.S. Eliot's "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats". My friends in and fans of the theater community have told me there isnt really an intended overriding plot. The Wikipedia page I found begs to differ, but they insisted it really is just a collection of vignettes, told through the perspective of a cat. Simple enough? I believe so. Now, I also understand this stage musical to have been adapted a number of times, largely for Broadway and for specific actors and actresses, with the noted exception of the film CATS (2019). Yes that one. Yes I intend to watch it. On purpose. But wait there is more. The 2019 film was trashed nearly universally but everyone before they finished the trailer and after the film was released and viewed. Most people said the performances were fine but visually it was recieved as, to put it simply, fucking wierd. I saw one review that said it was released unfinished, with a CD character model floating into the middle of a scene out of context and with no animation, a mess with texture rendering (apparently Ian McKellan has a scene where his fur just doesn't show. Like the texture is flat. Like it looks like it was published on a floppy disk alongside the original Doom). Not to mention the myriad questions that seem to come up in conversation about the character design choices as a whole. Jesus, how bad is this thing??

My resources tell me a BUNCH of super important contextual things about this one, most important of them being that this is SUPER META Broadway at it's best. Like this is the most Broadway that has ever Broadway'ed. This could be a good thing (one of my favorite musical pieces is fucking everything from Les Miserables), or it could be a bad thing (anyone that knows me knows that with notable exceptions I am NOT a big fan of musicals AT ALL, which is strange for me given my proclivity for weirdness, good storytelling, and music). This is going to be fun for everyone I think so strap in folks. This is going to be a wierd ride through furry land with a guy that wants nothing to do with it, lol. (SCORE, looking like 2 parts)

First I'll be looking at CATS (2019), because I am a glutton for punishment, and my wife says that the best way to get through this is to chew through the shit sandwich first, and then to get through the good stuff, so the good stuff is what sticks. I'm not sure I am going to enjoy either part, but I am open to it so here we go. I'll try to keep my writing as live as possible, per usual.

RIGHT AWAY, as I'm completing the Amazon rental purchase, this cast is fucking loaded. Taylor Swift, Jennifer Hudson. Judi Dench, Jason Derulo (wait, he acts too? Maybe his part is the worst part in this, I hate his music worse than I dislike Taylor Swift), Idris Elba, Ian McKellan, Rebel Wilson, and more. And that doesnt even include any love for people I am not familiar with that might carry some star power over from Broadway. So this thing is loaded for bear with acting heavies. That said, I really don't understand the comic appeal of Rebel Wilson. I don't think she is funny. You already lost me with Taylor Swift and Jason Derulo. All that said, this cast roster looks expensive.

Ok I am a minute and 47 seconds in and my first thought already is what the hell am I listening to? If this was originally put together in the 80s, and its either loved (ironically I guess?)or reviled, why would you stick with the same musical choices as instrumentation is concerned? I'm guessing I am going to have more on this later.

So completely inconsequential to the actual review the word jellicle as it relates to cats is totally ruined thanks to my learning of a word not in may people's vocabularies. Farticles. Thanks to my cousins for that one.

Alright, so full disclosure. I am not a fan of Rebel Wilson. I enjoy aspects of characters she plays, and she can be funny at times, but when your whole act revolves around one aspect of you (in her case it is that she is a large woman. Seriously its like every joke in all 3 Pitch Perfect movies) it says a lot about your ability to tell a story or joke. That said, it is so nice to not hear Rebel Wilson tell fat jokes. She is genuinely talented. It's hard to watch her in this cat suit (? Cat body? Cat war crime? More later), but it's interesting to see someone explore another side of their craft.

The sound design is...off. I'm not sure how else to describe it. You can LOUDLY hear body parts hitting set pieces. Footfalls, people jumping and grabbing on things. Like seriously you can hear it over the music. It sounds like someone got lazy in the mixing room, or they were trying to make it feel more like a stage production. News Flash. It doesn't make it feel like a stage production. It makes it feel like nobody in the production staff cared as much as the actors. I am beginning to suspect that ALL the money on this movie was spent on casting. And concept art.

I am genuinely confused by the choice to have only a couple cats wear clothes, and when they remove them, their fur looks exactly like the clothes they removed. I'm finding myself looking at things they did that wasted money. Money that could have been spent anywhere else to improve this thing.

All things considered, I could watch Idris Elba play the title character in Jaws, and enjoy it.

I'm pretty impressed by the entire cast's commitment to everything they picked up from their movement coaching. It is obvious that they were trying to incorporate a lot of typical feline movement and habitual aspects, even going so far as utilizing ballet movements for some of the dancing (probably because it is more "feline", to use the word again.) Nobody has really slipped yet. It's pretty impressive.

I think the thing that has me most surprised throughout is that this thing has the ability to elevate some (Rebel Wilson, Jason Derulo, Francesca Hayward, Jennifer Hudson, the VFX artists) and drag others through the dirt, (Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Idris Elba, the VFX artist team), most times in the same scene. It's crazy how on one hand someone truly can astound you with their performance, blow you away with a wonderful rendition of a song some people know well, and on the other hand you see wonderful, well established actors really putting their asses into a performance that has no way of doing them service because there isn't anything there. For comparison, look at Ben Kingsley in Ghandi, or Lucky Number Slevin, versus his performance in Bloodrayne. It's really hard to watch these respected thespians work their asses off for something that won't ultimately pay off for them because it doesn't have the capability to.

Ok so halfway verdict here:

This was a fucking mess. Now I didnt see the original theatrical release, so I have no idea how truly barrel bottom things got here. I CAN say, that I can see the bones of what this is supposed to be buried in the mess of cat shit (see what I did there????).

The concept of the costuming is essentially what I imagine it is for the stage show, but seeing it in it's execution is.....disturbing. The movement coaching was pretty solid and worked well with the dance choreography, but in combination with the actual character design there is an implied sexuality in the feline-ness that makes you uncomfortable, but not in the thought provoking way, just in the "forced to look at naked people covered in cat fur for an hour and a half" kind of way. Like I was even kind of into Idris Elba's performance of Macavity, until he took off the hat and trench coat and now I'm just watching a naked Idris, but with cat ears and a tail. To be honest seeing this throughout the film really took you out of the immersive aspects of it. Not to mention that while lighting was ok, the actual character models pasted on the motion capture actors moved strangely, sometimes the faces were disjointed with the heads, sometimes textures looked unfinished (not as bad as I thought it would be but I know people that could do better than that on their computers at home.) Just a jarring experience visually overall.

The score was ugly and dated too. Or maybe not the score, so much as the instrumentation. Sound design was atrocious throughout, it seemed like the intent was to make it feel more like a stage production, but if that's the case, why go the route they did in terms of set design and all that? Being able to hear hollow flooring under heavy footfall, or people loudly slamming hands into bars they need to grab to catch themselves, or the piss poor choice in instrumentation, the whole thing feels like B roll for the DVD extras. You know what actually did great in updating the music for a more immersive experience? Aladdin. Check my first review out for more on that one.

So halfway verdict? I say a rough D. I dont see myself going back for this one, but I'm not unable to see the appeal. I just am sort of anticipating the 1998 Broadway production (part 2 of this review) so I can see what this is really SUPPOSED to be. Watch for part 2, coming later!

[emblem-333]

Two Wrestlers Who Could Have Broken Undertaker’s WrestleMania Streak

I won’t bead around the bush, I am not fascinated by The Undertaker’s WrestleMania Streak beyond the shear randomness of it ever becoming a pillar for storylines to run through multiple aforementioned WrestleManias. Don’t get me wrong, Undertaker is a fine wrestler. But that’s just it. He’s fine and was above-average his entire run with the WWE given the context of where he was at certain points in his career. Most of Undertaker’s legacy will be the steak. Besides that he’ll be remembered for as the guy who almost killed Mick Foley, and his weird, fun run as the “American Badass.” Which is a shame considering he’s wrestled since the waning days of the Hulk Hogan era and nearly three decades later he is still super relevant.

But The Undertaker is mostly just the streak. His longevity is rarely brought up because in the WWE Universe you can’t label someone in a way that suggests they are on their last legs. Ironically, that’s probably where the Deadman is right now. I doubt he even has any legs left. WrestleMania 35 was the first ‘Mania without Undertaker since 2006. Only thing that gets Mark Calloway out of his bed and into the ring is a big fat check to fly down to Saudi Arabia once or twice a year. Can’t say I blame the guy. He’s given his heart, soul and body to the business I don’t have a problem with him shamelessly parading his disheveled body out there for a couple more large checks.

An awful lot could have changed for not just The Undertaker, but the history of wrestling if The Streak never became a thing. It initially was booked to end at WrestleMania IX the honors being done by none other than The Giant Gonzalez. Who? Well none other than the NBA prospect turned professional wrestler for a brief time. Apparently in the search to find a suitable dance partner for ‘Taker they landed on Gonzalez and the two locked arms on more than one occasion. They would encounter one another three times, Undertaker going over on all three culminating in a “Rest in Peace” match at Summerslam 1993. Every match a disaster. Eventually, the company shifted away from Gonzalez, would be let go by the WWF and wrestler for some other promotions before retiring and passing on in 2010.

If plans hadn’t changed and the 7 foot 2 inch man wearing a hideous, terrifyingly reminiscent bodysuit to the anime “Attack on Titan” went over The Deadman I don’t know what happens to Mark Calloway. I doubt going over would do any favors for Gonzalez. Undertaker wasn’t the caliber of talent he’d grow into years after. Despite holding the WWF strap once before going over Hulk Hogan of all people just two-years before, ‘Taker was only big within the walls of the company.

If only Giant Gonzalez could promote himself better he probably goes over The Undertaker at WrestleMania IX and still goes on to do absolutely nothing. Anyways, this is the best I can do for a segue to “Big Sexy” Kevin Nash, also known as “Diesel.”

In 1996 Diesel was coming off close to a year from 1994 to 1995 after a lukewarm run as champion and a Babyface. Beginning his WWF career as a Heel, acting as a bodyguard for Intercontinental champion Shawn Michaels Diesel made heads turn during the 1994 Royal Rumble eliminating seven entrants before ultimately being thrown over the top rope by the combined efforts of Bam Bam Bigelow, Crush, Mable, “Sparky” Plugg and Shawn Michaels.

There’s a possibility Vince McMahon mistaken the cheers Michaels received for the people wanting Diesel. Since the departure of the Hulkster Vince never found the one the one man able to fill in the shoes of the “All-American.” Kevin Nash initially was very over, winning the tag titles with Michaels and subbing themselves as “Two Dudes With Attitude.” Winning the WWF Tag Team Championship twice and enjoying success in singles competition. Michaels held the Intercontinental strap twice, Diesel once and of course Diesel won the biggest belt of them all over Bob Backlund at a House Show in ten-seconds.

As champion the charismatic, intimidating Diesel could not capitalize his skills in the ring and on the mic into profits as champion. On shoot interviews years later Nash blames his lackluster title run on the corporate suits inside the WWE looking to neuter the Diesel character to better fit mass appeal. Diesel quickly turned Babyface by turning on Michaels, dropping the tag titles and proceeded to feud over the WWF Championship culminating at WrestleMania XI, Diesel overcoming his former partner and friend despite the attempts at sabotage by Michaels new bodyguard Sycho Sid.

Even though in the mid-1990s having the face of your wrestling promotion be a Heel was uncommon, a departure from the norms probably serves McMahon a whole lot better than adhering to a set of rules he made for himself. The field of Babyfaces was lopsided enough with Bret, Undertaker, Bam Bam Bigelow, Razor Ramon and the 1-2-3 Kid. Last thing the WWF needed was a shoehorned in Babyface to crowd card. “But the champion has to be a Babyface if we are to build around him!” Vince no doubt thought to himself.

As you can imagine Diesel didn’t act as the draw Vince probably imagined as House Show attendance dwindled bringing the WWF into their nadir era. Eventually Diesel would drop the belt to Bret Hart and his title reign is remembered as little more than a minor part of the WWE’s history. At the time the WWF’s chief competitors WCW had a better roster and routinely ran laps around McMahon in the television ratings. Diesel signals WWF’s outdated mode of thinking ruining an otherwise fine wrestler in futile efforts to find the next Hulk Hogan. Where Nitro catered to the audience lusting for a more edgier product, McMahon hoped his wrestlers would be marketable to put them on cereal boxes and produce cartoons.

Entering into WrestleMania XII Diesel was slotted to face off against the legendary Undertaker and was supposed to win the match until Nash told McMahon Eric Bischoff had offered him a richer, less taxing contract to jump ship to World Championship Wrestling. As you can imagine the finish was changed and ‘Taker went over, keeping The Streak intact.

So the question begs to be asked: What-if Diesel went over that night? How we’d get to this alternate reality isn’t a stretch. Just have WCW’s Bischoff not offer Nash a contract until well after WrestleMania.

If Nash still leaves for WCW he is viewed as somewhat ungrateful the way the WWF generously booked him during his run scoring wins over talent nobody would mistake Nash for being better than or even on their level.

Nash would have been the man who ended two streaks, one in the WWF, the aforementioned Undertaker, and another in WCW, the infamous defeat of Goldberg at Starrcade 1998. A master self promoter, Nash’s uncanny ability to convince Vince what’s best for the big man was also best for business is something to admire and loath.

But let’s switch gears and ponder what-if Nash simply remains in the WWF? As well know Vince is a stubborn man. Somehow I don’t believe he was finished with Diesel and would strongly consider putting the belt back on him at some point.

[screamerlove]

God, I hope they make him a dick. I want him to be mean!

SCREAMING

GUESS WHO’S COMING TO EARTHSPARK 👀