#I always put too much pressure on myself so I'm trying to remove some of that and just do something for the pure love of it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ret1cent · 3 months ago

Text

the space between (pt.5)

josh dun x fem reader

WC:6,000+

“run away-ay with me. lost souls in revelry.”

warnings: some angst, arguments, unhealthy/unhappy relationship, reader is a light smoker and smokes in this chapter, language

a/n: sorry posting took so long, i’ve been in a little flunk with writing recently but i will still keep getting these chapters out for you guys because i really am enjoying creating this story! also if there are any errors please excuse them i proofread this half asleep at 2 am lol

previous chapters

May 23rd, 2016.

I lean my head against the headrest of the passenger seat, watching the buildings of Burbank fly past from the highway as me and Kass approached the Warner Brothers lot. I sip the coffee in my hand, the warmth of it relieving me from the chill of the morning. Her presence made the daunting task of going back to work feel more lighthearted, but I knew the feeling would quickly dissipate once we had to separate. I zone out as I stare out the window, the music from the radio droning on in the background. I knew I had to go back home today; it had been too long.

I couldn’t avoid facing Logan forever. I had to be mature, have a conversation with him about everything that had happened. It wasn’t fair to him to not let him explain himself. But it was anxiety-inducing to think about the confrontation. The most nerve-wracking part is that I have no idea how he’ll react at all. He’s unpredictable like that, and that was the factor that frequently prevented me from confronting him about his actions that hurt me. His reaction could range from him begging for my forgiveness and shaming himself, to him raging, telling me I'm crazy, that he would hurt himself because I made him feel ‘inadequate’.

Many people would quickly remove themselves from a dynamic like this without a second thought, but I’m attached to him. It’s a simple reason, yet the feelings behind it are so large and complicated. This is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, I can’t imagine not having him there in my life. Something about just knowing that someone would always be there, especially when you’ve had so many people in your life abandon you, was a comforting feeling. I was brought out of my thoughts when Kass said my name, her already standing outside of the parked car. I looked up at her, startled.

“You ok (Y/n)? We’re here.” She says slight concern in her voice.

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I just zoned out for some reason.” I say slightly confused, rubbing my face and trying to readjust myself after the weird moment. I get out, grab my work bag and then walk with her to set.

Once we entered the large, cold studio I was brought back to the reality that my life was. Something about just getting away from everything and spending the weekend with Josh and Kass felt so dreamy. Especially reconnecting with Josh, it took me back to earlier years, it made me feel young. It was crushing to think that in only one week the two of them would both be leaving. I had other friends here sure, but none that I connected with nearly as much as them. The thought put pressure on my chest, my eyes slightly stinging. I say my reluctant goodbyes to Kass as she heads to the backstage area, then walk up to Frank to see what my jobs would be for the day.

“Hey Frank. What should I focus on for today?” I ask and he looks up with annoyance.

“Well, Sydney already did a coffee run…” he says, insinuating that there would be no tasks left for me to do.

I motion to the hectic set around us. “It looks like there’s plenty going on. There must be something I can do.” I say and he huffs in annoyance, opening the folder in his shoulder, pulling out script packets, then handing them to me.

“Here, take these to the extras.” He grumbles, as if defeated by the idea of me doing anything remotely important at my own job.

I walk outside with the pages in my hand, the sun emitting a warm shine on me, the freeze of the morning air mostly gone. It was a nice day, if only I could just stay out here and not have to talk to Frank for the rest of it. One could only dream. I make my way to the extra’s holding area, seeing a line of people sitting and chatting. I greet them each with a smile, them returning the same kind energy as I hand the people with lines the page that matched their name tag. Everyone was polite and easy going until I reach the end of the line, a girl with blonde hair and piercing blue eyes glaring at me as she looks up from her phone.

“Hey, here you go…” A say with a slight smile, uncomfortable by her expression.

She takes the page from me without a word and looks down at it with an appalled look on her face. “Um this only has 2 lines…” She says bitterly, looking at me as if it were my fault.

“Um... well, you’re an extra. Most of the people here don’t even have lines.” I explain, trying to be kind as I motioned to the other actors and actresses who seemed perfectly content with their papers.

“Are you mocking me?” She asks with an unkind squint of her eyes.

“What? No, I'm just saying…”

“Last time I checked I was supposed to have 4 lines.” She quickly interrupts me.

“Well things change all the time, it’s not unusual for directors to cut lines last minute.” I explain, rubbing the back of my neck uncomfortably.

“I don’t like your tone.” She quips back and I summon all the energy in my body to avoid rolling my eyes.

“Well, I'm just trying to explain. I’m sorry.” I say as politely as possible.

“God can’t some of you people be competent?”

“Ok, I’m walking away now.” I finally decide and she scoffs. I didn’t have to waste my time defending myself against her. Not that a bigger role would excuse her behavior, but it really was crazy how even some of those with the smallest of roles still felt a sense of superiority over the production crew.

The rest of the day seemed to be a blur of inconveniences and an endless stream of snarky comments from Frank. There had been drama between the two main stars on set. Due to this, the film time for the scenes we needed for the day kept getting pushed back because of their halfhearted performances and bickering between scenes. This put a lot of stress on the set, causing everyone to be at each other's throats. Overall, it was not the best of workdays. Especially with my arrival home to Logan looming over my head. It was almost like the feeling you’d experience in childhood, when you got a bad grade on a test or got in trouble in class, and knew you’d have to come home and face your parents with the disappointment.

“Ugh I so don’t wanna do this.” I groan, getting back into the car with Kass.

“You don’t have to if you aren’t ready…” She suggests gently.

“No, I have to… It’s been almost 4 days now of me not being home. I have to, just running away like that wasn’t mature of me.” I sigh, titling my head against the headrest as she turns out of the lot.

“Hey, it’s reasonable to need some space sometimes, especially with what he did.” She reasons. “Have you thought of what you’re going to say?” She asks and I bite the inside of my cheek in thought.

“Honestly, no.” I admit after a brief silence. “I kind of just hope my emotions will guide me in the moment. I know I should have some thoughts prepared but, I just haven’t wanted to think back on the moment. It’s painful to think about.”

She glances over at me in sympathy. “I know you’ll figure it out. You’ll do what’s right for you.”

I smile weakly at this. I hope she’s right, Logan needed to know that what he did was unacceptable, but I haven’t even fully processed the situation yet. I just wonder if this is even something we can fully move past. The pure fear I felt when the glass hit the floor, the look of satisfaction in his eyes when he saw that the punch he threw at Josh had hurt him. His behavior was turning scary, to the point where I didn’t feel fully safe going home.

Kass pulls up into my driveway, which was absent of Logan’s car. Well, I guess I was ok for now. I didn’t have to talk to him yet.

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok?” Kass asks in concern, gently holding my hand as I stood outside the car.

“I’ll be fine, I promise.” I say, trying to swallow the lump of anxiety forming in my throat.

“Ok…” She says, clearly not believing me. “But please keep me updated. I wanna make sure you’re ok.”

“I will. Love you Kass. Thank you so much for everything this past weekend.” I say with a smile, slowly starting to close the door.

“Literally anytime and I love you too, text me!” She reminds me with an almost motherly concern.

“I will I promise. Seeya.” I say, closing the door, walking up to the house in the same fashion as one would walk a plank.

I pulled out my key to unlock the door, stepping inside. The usual warmth of the house seemed to have left while I was away, the lights dim and the house cold. I look over to the kitchen to see that he had at least cleaned up the glass. I set my bag down by the door, the gentle thud of it echoing. I take my laptop out of it, then take my work boots off and walk over to the couch. I flop down and await my doom, opening my laptop in an attempt to distract myself. It immediately opens to photoshop, where I had been editing the pictures I took of Josh at the pier. I had also been attempting to edit out his black eye just in case he wanted to post the photos and not receive 1000 worried comments asking about what had happened. Even just imagining him having to explain the fact that his friend’s boyfriend beat him up made me wince. Without the proper backstory it would give Josh a bad look. I smile as I look at Josh’s wide grin as he held his plastic alien on the screen. That day was so fun, I hope I’ll be able to get out with him again like that before he leaves on tour. I upload the finished photos to my files and click on the IMessage icon.

hey dude, i thought i should send you these in case you wanted them! i have the original versions which i only altered the physical appearance of color grading and exposure wise and then i also whipped out some of my probably rusty photoshop skills to cover your black eye for the same pics if you wanted to post them. [Files attached]

Josh: i was going to ask abt the pics but didn’t wanna be rude haha but holy shit these are amazing (y/n). you’ve gotten even more talented, these are sick! and thank you for the black eye coverage i greatly appreciate it, these are going right on my insta. but where are the pics of you? 🙌

thanks man :) and they are only mine you don’t get any sorry 👎👎

Josh: WHY! i need to show the gram which one of my talented homies took these pics

UGHHH... fine give me a second to edit them

Josh: yay i won 😁

no you didn’t i’m just nice 👎

I close the app and bring the photos of myself into Lightroom to edit, soothed by the repetitive process. I almost lost track of how much time had passed as I sent the finished pictures to Josh, startled out of my own little world as the doorknob twists and Logan walks inside. I slowly closed my laptop and sat it next to me, him stopping in his tracks and staring at me, his gaze cold, yet surprised. Streaks of blue and purple were spotted on the right side of his face from when Josh had hit him back.

“Where were you?” He asks right away, his tone suspicious and confrontational.

“I stayed at Kass’s for a few days...”

The familiar name seemed to soothe him. He looks to the side, his cheeks slightly puffing as he exhales, deep in thought. “Why’d you just disappear on me like that (Y/n)?” he asks, running a hand through his black hair as he stands by the door.

“You have some questions to answer too.” I rebut defensively, rubbing my arm.

“(Y/n)...” He says more gently, approaching me slowly.

“Why’d you throw the glass? Why’d you hit Josh?” I ask, my voice starting to slightly quiver as I thought about these violent actions coming from the man that I’ve loved and trusted these past years.

He sits next to me on the couch, keeping a bit of distance. “I-I don’t know what came over me. My anger... It gets the best of me. It just feels like I can’t even control it sometimes. Just something about seeing you laughing with another guy like that... I got jealous. I know I haven’t been very present recently. I just got worried that you replaced me because of it. I don’t know.” he says, looking away from my gaze.

“I need you to trust me though. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain before you got violent with him!” I explain desperately.

“Why are you so protective of him? He seemed to hold his own just fine.” He motions to the bruise on his face with his finger.

“Because he’s my friend.”

“Wasn’t this dude out of your life for like almost 4 years? Why is he so important now?” He asks intensely and I shake my head. So, he did listen to the things I would say. He just only reflected that fact when he needed to support his argument.

“Logan it’s not even about him. Forget Josh for one second. This is about the violence you showed in that moment. And the little remorse you show for it. It was scary…” I explain, massaging the bridge of my nose.

“Ok, ok. I’m sorry. I know it was wrong of me. And I’m sorry I scared you… and hurt him.” He adds, a little less genuinely. I need to work on being less territorial. I’m just… scared of losing you.”

“I am too.” I admit, my attachment to him being undeniable. “I just want you to show that more though. I wanna start feeling more seen by you, it feels like we’ve been so disconnected recently. I don’t know, I just wonder if you still even care sometimes.” I say quietly.

“Of course I care, I love you.” He says and moves his arms towards me. My heart seems to clench a moment before I accept his embrace, looking down at the ground.

“I love you too you just... you can’t do any of this anymore. Ok?” I say, pulling back from the hug. Especially the glass that... that scared me.”

He looks away guiltily. “I won’t. I’m sorry.”

The rest of the evening was quiet, and slightly tense. Logan made dinner, lit candles in the living room and poured us wine. It was sweet, I could tell he was trying. I gave him my thanks, but scolded myself for the fact that my behavior didn’t reflect more of my appreciation. As hard as I tried to act normal, it was difficult. We ate in silence in front of the Tv, the noise filling the void of conversation. It had become gloomy outside, the gray clouds creating a dark atmosphere in the living room, the glow of candles being the main source of light around us. After we finished eating, I helped Logan with the dishes and decided I needed to get some air.

“Hey, I’m gonna walk around the neighborhood real quick just so you know.” I say, walking out to the living room to go grab my earphones.

“Sounds good.” He says, slightly looking over his shoulder.

Once I grab my headphones and oversized black Adidas hoodie, I make my way outside after sliding on my shoes, the wind slightly blowing through hair. The leaves of the trees around flow along with the wind, the occasional car whooshing down the street. I connect my earphones to my phone and pull my hood up to protect my hair from the frequent breeze, then open Spotify. I press on the song Don’t Panic by Coldplay, putting my phone back in my pocket as the guitar strums in my ears.

It was calming to just lose myself in the music, music had always been somewhat of an escape for me. There was something so therapeutic about hearing your own emotions being perfectly translated into sound. That’s something I’ve always appreciated about Josh and Tyler’s music, I always felt seen by their lyrics. It made sense, I always seemed to relate to their struggles when we would have heart to hearts at the end of long shoot days when we were all in a delirious haze, laying across floors or couch’s, unwilling to move to head home yet. By coincidence, or perhaps fate, when I skipped through the shuffled songs after Don’t Panic, a song off Blurryface by the name of Hometown starts to play.

For once, I leave it on. I listen to Tyler’s reverberated voice in my ears and as odd as it may be, I felt at home again. I used to always skip their songs when Spotify recommended them. I almost always changed the radio station when they would start playing. Not out of hatred or bitterness. But before Josh and I had reconnected it had only served as a painful reminder that that period of my life that had become nothing but a mere echo of memories. I distinctly remember when I heard the boys on the radio for the first time.

── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ── ── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ── ── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

December 16th, 2013.

I drive down the road, on the way back from a shoot with a new hipster looking clothing brand. It was a cool gig; everyone was chill, and the style was fun. I always appreciate the opportunity to build my portfolio as well as getting out of the usual gigs of headshots and family portraits. Because of the competitiveness of the photography industry, these were usually the only types I was usually able to get my hands on. A soft rain pattered against the window as the radio host’s voice droned on in the background after the last song had ended. I zoned out, following the motions of traffic until a familiar tune snapped me out it.

“I ponder of something great. My lungs will fill and then deflate...”

Holy shit. Car Radio. I had heard the song about a million times, practiced, recorded, performed. I feel my eyes start to well up and look behind me, seeing no cars following closely. I pull over to the shoulder of the road and park, looking down at my lap with a sigh. I wipe the tears starting to trickle down my cheeks as I listen to the song continue. It was hard to describe the emotions I felt. It hurt to think that just at the beginning of the year I was sitting in the studio with them, the excitement of their upcoming album release thrilling, the energy of life feeling uplifting with the progress they were making with their music, getting signed and all.

I had no idea it would be so short-lived on my end, following the end of Josh and I’s friendship. But despite my sadness, I can’t help but feel incredibly proud of them. I had to resist the urge to whip my phone out and text Josh an excited message about how he and Tyler were playing on the radio, about how much they deserved all the success they were starting to gain. I put my hand in my pocket, about to feel for my phone before I quickly pulled back. No, I can’t. It’s over, it’s time to let go. I rub my eyes and wipe the collected drops of rain off with my windshield wipers, starting to drive again.

── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ── ── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ── ── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

I walk to the front door, turning the cold knob to be met with the sight of Logan sitting on the couch, his head down with my laptop open next to him. Oh god. What happened? He slowly looks up in vexation, his hands remaining folded on his lap.

“Why were you with him?” He spits out.

I sigh. So, he saw the photos. In all fairness, I see how it could’ve looked bad. In the eyes of one unaware of the characteristics of our friendship, the photos could have looked rather intimate. But the hangout was purely platonic, the pictures were taken with the point of building my portfolio and giving him content for his fans.

“With Josh? It was just a hangout. He invited me to hang out at the pier. I took pictures to build my portfolio and Instagram feed for my photography account. I know it may look bad and I’m sorry for not telling you we hung out, but we’re really just friends Logan. I swear.”

He shakes his head, roughly grabbing my laptop and looking through the photos again.

“I’m serious, you can even look through our texts I’m not hiding anything!”

He quickly opens the IMessage app at this, slowly scrolling through our conversations.

“You guys talk a lot.”

“Yeah, because we’re friends. We only recently reconnected, can you blame us for wanting to catch up?” I ask desperately and he remains silent, still focused on reading.

“I don’t like this one fucking bit. This isn’t comforting at all. You guys are way too friendly with each other.”

“I’m sorry, I really do understand why you feel like this. But me and him have always talked like this, we’ve never had any romantic history.”

“No romantic history doesn’t mean nothing ever happened...” He suggests snappily and I quickly shake my head.

“No! We’ve never done anything. I’m just not interested in him like that. I wish you’d understand that.” I say and he stands up.

“And I wish you’d see that you’re fucking lying not only to me but also yourself! It’s so obvious you want him, and I can’t stand it.” He accuses with a finger pointing at me, his eyes piercing into mine. “Just stop being friends with him (Y/n)! Before I lose my mind over this.”

“No!” I raise my voice, the response coming out harsher than I meant it to be, and he stares at me in shock. “I... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I just... I already lost him. We only just recently reconnected. I finally have another close friend in my life, I feel so much less alone now. I need this.” I explain emotionally.

“I can’t fucking do this. You’re killing me.” He laughs bitterly. He storms out of the house, slamming the door behind him. I look down and notice my hands shaking in frustration. I lay down on my side on the couch, letting out quiet sobs.

I stayed like that for a while, crying for about half an hour until my eyes grew tired. I wipe my burning reddened eyes, sniffling as I opened my phone. I scroll, trying to find condolence in distraction. I didn’t know where Logan was or where he even went whenever we argued like this, but maybe it was good I was alone for now. He needed to blow off some steam. I open Instagram, seeing Josh’s post show up in my feed. I scroll through the colorful photos, seeing the one of me and my cotton candy at the end, my photography and regular account tagged. I slightly smile, my eyes moving down to read the caption.

joshuadun: night at the pier with a pretty swell friend who also happens to be an amazing photographer. thanks for the sick flics my dude (and for winning me my son mulder)

He put the handle of my photography account caption again. It was sweet of him to promote it so much. I look at the comments, people commenting mostly about how much they liked the shots (which were encouraging to read), about how good they thought Josh looked, some sweet ones about calling me pretty that made me smile, and of course the jealous dating accusations that came with any male celebrity posting a friend that happened to be a woman. The comments that stood out to me most though, were the comments from Tyler and Mark.

tylerrjoseph: um hello when did this reunion happen? josh i'm gonna beat you up for not telling me about this. we WILL all hang out and that is a threat

reelbearmedia: wow, (y/n)! that's a throwback tell her i said hi! (and that i said she took some cool shots) we should all reconnect

I chuckle softly at Tyler’s comment. It was nice to see they still cared about me like that. I knew they never stopped liking me because of the falling out or anything unreasonable, but I forgot they still valued me like I valued them. I shot them both a quick text separately saying hello. I explained how Josh and I had reconnected and made up, how I missed them both and apologized for my distance recently. While I waited for a response back from them, I went back on Instagram, surprised to see how blown up my notifications had become. On both my accounts, I was gaining hundreds of followers, all because I had photographed Josh. It was a reality check, it showed how adored he was. It made me slightly emotional; he really did deserve it.

I look at my comments starting to flood with support in disbelief. People genuinely liked my work? Of course I received the occasional compliment under my photos, but never in an overwhelming amount like this. I sniffled, smiling as I liked and replied to comments gratefully. Though it was gratifying to scroll through the positive comments, the pang of pain from me and Logan’s argument remained in my chest. I needed to talk to someone. In reality, lying here on my phone wasn’t doing me any good.

Before I can stop myself, I unconsciously press the call button Josh’s contact, him picking up only after a few rings.

“Hey, what’s up?” He asks, his voice warm.

“Hey I… Uh… Do you think I can come over maybe? I kinda need to talk to someone right now.” I ask guiltily, feeling remorse for not only putting a burden on him at the last minute, but also for turning right to him in my moment of weakness, despite the fact that me and Logan’s argument had happened because of him.

“Yes of course.” He responds quickly. “Are you ok?” He asks, hearing the strain in my voice

“Umm…. not really.” I admit, my lip starting to quiver.

“Come over, let’s talk. I’ll send you my address. Are you ok to drive?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Ok be safe, I’ll see you soon.”

I walk up the stone path leading to the tall door of his house, knocking a few times. I text him to let him know it’s me and right after he opens the door, adorned in a faded gray band crew neck and black sweatpants, his pink hair messy.

“Hey.” he says softly, reaching out his arms and I quickly accept his embrace, the heat of his body and the softness of his sweater comforting to cling onto.

“Hey.” I reply back, slightly quiet, embarrassed about coming to him like this.

“Here, I have a place we can talk.” He says, motioning for me to follow him. I close and lock the door behind me, letting out a soft giggle. “What, you have a therapy room or something?”

“Nooo!” He replies with a teasing roll of his eyes. “Just follow me, you’ll see.”

I listened and followed him out to the backyard which was a large expanse of grass that had a pool and workout equipment sprawled everywhere, along with tall palm trees planted along the edges. The most attractive part of it was the straight on view of the city. I marvel at the view before he leads me to the side of the house, motioning to a large ladder that went up the side of the building.

“What is this like a fire escape?” I ask slowly, confused and suspicious.

“Yeah, and also a sick pathway to the roof. Climb up.” He says with a smile.

“Um I don’t know if I should listen to a strange scary man demanding me to climb up a tall ladder to a roof.” I joke, slightly nervous about how high up it went.

“Oh yes of course, I’m terrifying” He chuckles with a toothy grin. “Come on you can trust me! I’m having you go first so I can catch you if you fall.”

“If I fall? Is that like.... a likely possibility?” I asked with a laugh.

“You’re safe I promise!”

“Ok fine, I trust you.” I say warningly, as if he would regret breaking it.

He smiles and whoops encouragingly as I grab onto the burnt auburn colored metal, the smooth texture slightly dusty under my fingers. I start climbing up, carefully watching my hands and feet, making sure they aligned perfectly with the bars. I glance down once I’m about halfway up, fully looking down worriedly when I see how far up I am from the ground.

“I got you!” Josh shouts, reassuring me. I let out an anxious breath and continued making my way up, a wave of relief washing over me when I finally made it to the top of the smooth roof, letting out a soft gasp at the full view of the city, the lights twinkling like stars in a night sky. I sit down criss cross, watching Josh make his way up, with much more confidence than I had.

“Wow you did that a whole lot faster than I did.” I say with a smile, and he shakes his head.

“I come up here all the time I’m just used to it; it was your first time climbing up!”

“And it was terrifying.” I say with a breathy laugh.

“But look at this view though, wasn’t that worth it?” He asks with a smile, scotching closer to me and I nod.

“So worth it, this is fucking beautiful.” I say, looking forward as I admire the lights. “This is just like the old days.” I say appreciatively, reflecting on me and Josh’s rooftop conversations back in Columbus. I rented a small two-story house with a few of my friends and my room was on the second floor, my window having easy access to the roof. When he’d come over, the two of us would often sit up there to just talk, watch the sunsets, stargaze, or when I needed a smoke break, which was a habit he often scolded.

He chuckles at my comment. “Totally, except this is a pretty drastic upgrade.” He says, motioning towards the city of Los Angeles, our view being tall buildings and twinkling lights instead of a top view of my neighbor's houses.

I giggle and nod. “Yeah, it’s a nice change to not feel like a stalker looking at the roofs of random people’s houses.” I say, rummaging through my mini backpack laying at my side for my cigarette case I remembered I had in there, along with a lighter. I open the case, placing one between my lips and lighting it, cupping the flame with my hand. Josh looks over at me with his head rested against the arm on his knee.

“You still doing that?” he asks as I inhale, blowing out the cloud of gray smoke.

“Only sometimes now. When I’m out with people or when I’m stressed...” I say, looking down at my feet as I take another puff.

“What’s been happening (Y/n)?” he asks softly, a genuine concern in his voice. “I can tell you’re upset, and you sounded really sad on the phone.” He points out.

I exhale, preparing myself to talk. “I’ve just been struggling recently honestly. I’m just… not happy with where I am at all.” I say, my voice slightly breaking I as I process my own words.

He looks at me, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. He reaches his hand out to mine, squeezing it softly, a reassuring motivation for me to continue.

“Things with Logan have just been crazy recently. His anger issues have just been getting bad. I’ve always known that that was an issue for him but, just seeing him hit you like that.” I say emotionally and he nods slowly. The purple bruise on his eye had started to fade but it was still noticeable. “And that same day when we argued afterwards, he got upset and he... threw a glass on the floor it was scary honestly.” I say with uncertainty, taking another drag of my cigarette.

“He threw something?” Josh asks, raising his eyebrows in concern.

“Yeah...”

“At you?”

“No, it wasn’t at me but...” I say, attempting to defend Logan but he shakes his head.

“That’s not ok at all. That’s a threatening action and you should never have to feel like you’re in danger with the person you love.” He explains worriedly and I nod sadly, looking off into the distance. “You know you don’t have to put up with this, right…?” He asks slowly and I nod.

“I know but… I love him.” I say softly and Josh nods solemnly, a silence lingering between us momentarily. “He regrets what he did, he apologized. It won’t happen again but even knowing that… I’m still mad at him honestly.” I say with a sigh.

“You aren’t wrong to feel that way, you should be.”

“Yeah. I love him but I’m just… not happy with him right now. It’s hard to be around him now.”

“Look. It’s not my place to tell you what to do with your relationship. But I just want to remind you that built up anger over time almost always leads to resentment in relationships. I feel awful for saying this but… I kind of hated Sophia at the end of our relationship. I had all this anger from the things she did to me, and I just never forgave her for them. It’s just hard to make things work out if your partner does something you consider unforgivable because you’ll always hold that anger inside you.” He explains.

“Yeah. You’re right. I do resent him a little.” I admit quietly, wiping tears forming in my eyes. He nods understandingly in silence, holding my shoulder comfortingly.

I sigh heavily, laying back to look up at the stars dotted throughout the sky, Josh doing the same. It was no view compared to our nights stargazing in Columbus due to the light pollution here, but it was still pretty. I stare at the dark, vast expanse of the sky, the twinkling stars dotted across like little holes of light in the dark blanket. Whenever I looked up at the sky like this, it reminded me how small I was compared to the rest of the universe, along with how much more there was out there in the world.

“I feel like there’s so much more to life that I’m missing out on.” I admit suddenly, looking over at Josh and he meets my gaze.

“What do you mean?”

“I feel stuck. I’m living such a dull and depressing life right now I just… feel like I could be doing so much more. I’m tired of everything, I just wanna run away.” I laugh, slightly exasperated by my thoughts.

“Why don’t you then?” he asks, holding my gaze.

I laugh sadly. “Work, money, needing to survive...” I say, putting the ciggerate out on the concrete of the shingles next to me.

“What if you just left all that shit behind for a while?”

“Trust me I’d love to. But how?” I ask, my hands folded over my stomach.

He twiddles his thumbs anxiously, looking up at the sky as if mentally preparing himself. He turns back to me, his eyes full of hope. “Come with me.”

“What?” I ask, my eyes brows furrowing in confusion.

“Come with me… on tour.” He suggested nervously and my lips slightly parted in shock.

“Are you serious?” I ask and he sits up, me doing the same.

“Yeah, I am. Me and Tyler need another photographer, and your work is stunning. We love your style, I mean we always have. Tyler and I talked about the idea a little bit on call today actually and… we’d really like to bring you on as our photographer for this leg of the tour if you’d be willing to?”

I laugh in disbelief. “I-I’d love to...” I say, running my hand through my hair, my happiness quickly vanishing when I came to the realization that it was completely unrealistic. “But... I can’t.” I sigh and Josh frowns.

“I know it’s last minute but...”

“No, it’s not that.” I interrupted him. “I’m getting married in a few months... I can’t just up and leave. Plus, I can’t even imagine how Logan would react.” I say, thinking about his extreme jealousy over Josh.

“Is that the only thing preventing you from saying yes?”

“Yeah...”

“(Y/n).” He says gently, looking at me with care. “Of course, your partner should be important to you in decisions like this, but he shouldn't be a factor holding you back from something you’ve been dreaming of doing. I know how long you’ve wanted to be a photographer for. I know this is what you believed your future was going to be. Why not make it true? You can always get married later; you have time to move the date. Fulfilling your goals and dreams should be your priority right now, especially if you aren’t exactly happy in your situation.” He reasons softly.

I process his words. He wasn’t wrong. This has always been a passion of mine, and honestly with the boy's rising success during the time I was still working with them, I did believe my future would involve them. It felt fated that I worked for them again in a way. Logan would be the single only factor holding me back from pursuing this, and with the fact that it’s something I genuinely want to do, that shouldn’t be the case. He should understand and support me. I knew that his immediate instinct would most likely not be to do that, but if we had a conversation about this maybe, just maybe he would understand. It was starting to become clear that we do need some space from each other regardless.

“Yeah... ok. Fuck it.” I say with a laugh, not even believing that I was agreeing, and Josh laughs too.

“Really?” he asks excitedly.

“Yes, oh my gosh.” I say, leaning forward and taking Josh into a hug, him chuckling as he hugged me back. “Josh. Thank you so much, this is such a huge opportunity.” I say genuinely as I pull back.

“Of course, you really do deserve it. Tyler and I are beyond thrilled to bring you back on, we missed you.” He says with a smile.

“I missed you guys too.” I say softly, looking off into the distance at the view. The air held a lightness, and an excitement for what was to come. Both were feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time. We sit in comfortable silence, both of us watching the world move below us in our moment of stillness.

#twenty one pilots #josh dun x reader #joshua dun #josh dun #twenty øne piløts #tøp #tøp josh #josh dun fan fic

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elenauaurs · 1 year ago

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“As members of a society that pursues peace, harmony is strictly necessary. Please try to see it this way: Just as a contract is only made with mutual consonance, Those who lack the ability—or rather the brilliance—to maintain their usefulness and cooperation are not befitting in this society... And my role, you ask? To reshape them all until they fit”

A mysterious figure among the IPC Strategic Investment Department, responsible for the role of disciplining their fellow co-workers and representing Diamond.

Bort can be described as an cunning individual and extreme perfectionist, although ironically they committed several rule breaks for the sake of showing their worth. They are straight-forward about their goals and ideals, believing that people who have no contribution to society have no place in it. Surprisingly, they have some empathy for these people and wish to help.

In the IPC, Bort is not considered a being of his own with freedom and rights, but rather as an extension of Diamond's power—That said, despite being part of the IPC, they are not exactly one of the ten stonehearts and occupy some of the roles of Diamond.

(Click on the image for better quality)

When Diamond decided to remove all his impurities and imperfections in the form of a shining meteor, a being made of stone was created from the collision of that meteor against the ground.

Bort is a strict person, known for always keeping a somewhat dull smile on their face and correcting their department's mistakes. They are normally reserved, however a person with great aptitude in social matters. Despite being considered obedient and intellectual by their peers, Bort actually has a hard time understanding their own feelings and negligence them, preferring to follow orders than worry about this silly things.

Before being completely under Diamond's command, Bort was responsible for missions on very dangerous planets and ended up developing an obsession with battles and now is very angry at not being able fight as much as they did in the past.

"They are extremely smart and pleasant to talk to, but it is a dangerous trait... They always preferred satisfying their intellectual curiosity, over using his skills for the benefit of others"

- Unknown Senior Manager

. . .

VOICELINES

First meeting

"Bort" of the illustrious IPC's Strategic Investment Department— or, as those closest to me refer to me, Ballas—is at your service. To whom do I owe the honor, my dear nameless companion?

Greeting

Straighten your posture, lift your head and leave behind any trace of laziness before greeting someone. Never underestimate the importance of body language—as a Trailblazer, you will certainly need it.

Parting

In a formal meeting, time is meticulously measured, from hours to milliseconds. I usually don't mind it... However, I'm your presence i feel like time is… too fast. Sigh… What a pity.

About Self: True Desire

What do I truly desire? Uh, well... that's rather a silly question. Anything that Diamond wants too. If he's happy, i'll be more than satisfied. :)

About Self: Old Self

I no longer recall what I was like, but that's only natural. If i expect a lot from others, I must hold myself to the same stantard, even if it means sacrificing who I truly am.

Chat: Food

I have often heard about the benefits of food, not only for bodily functioning but also for overall well-being. Personally, I have never savored the pleasure of eating, and in my form it's unlikely that I ever will... So, I kindly ask you to accept this money and buy some food. Even though I won't enjoy it with you, I'll feel happier seeing you healthier.

Hobbies

Even though I don't need it, I take great pleasure in sleeping. It makes all the worries of the world disappear for a brief and comfortable moment

Annoyances

The intense feeling of failure, especially when others have high expectations of you, can be incredibly... infuriating. I feel powerful under the pressure they put on me, but I can't help but feel an inexplicable pain in my chest...

. . .

Ok, it ended up being a bit big because I ended up getting excited hshqhdhwhdha

There are still many things left to say about them, such as their backstory and their relationship with other people like Aventurine, Topaz, etc... But that's for another post

I ended up changing a few things slightly from the little intro I made previously so... Here are some curiosities

They are genderless

They can't eat, drink, have no organs but can sleep for lore reasons

Sometimes they give off a weird vibe to others so no one messes with them

They are dependent on Diamond

They like fish and stars!

(and also, the phrase I left below the cut comes from houseki no kuni)

#honkai star rail #honkai sr #honkai star rail oc #bort #diamond #diamond hsr #ten stonehearts #ipc #ipc oc #strategic investment department #hsr aventurine #hsr topaz #hsr jade #hsr opal #hsr ipc #hsr pearl #hsr obsidian #hsr #hsr oc

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crashdavis · 11 months ago

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the great thing about gender is that you can do anything at any time and there's absolutely no way to be yourself incorrectly. the point of life is trying things and seeing what makes you happy, and what makes you happy is probably going to change a lot! but also if it doesn't that's a learning experience too! sending love <3

first of all anon, bless your heart.

bizarre rant with way too much personal information below the cut. SORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!

second, because at the ripe old age of zero years old i was a wise old sage with a level headed autism that put me perfectly at the intersection of considerate and above the petty worries of the world i have been telling forlorn transgenders this over the phone since day one (no joke someone I hadn't spoken to in five years called me up the other day to have me talk them through softening their transition, its okay to be nonbinary guys) but ack! sometimes its so hard to take your own advice.

I have gained some weight in the last year or so and I just can't seem to get over me looking ooooh just so slightly off, to me, like I feel like I don't look like myself. I don't know.

Testosterone's largest impact on my life was it's role as an appetite stimulant, before I started testosterone I lived in a constant state of nausea, and it basically cured me of that. It was huge instead of going to bed anxious every night that I was going to throw up I slept like a baby, it also helped me to start working through the main symptoms of my ARFID. I literally called it a miracle drug to so many people, it changed my life.

But! I don't know if I still want to be on it. It's been almost three years and I've suddenly started having problems with my dosage, I've been off and on it trying to figure things out and I don't know, it just got me thinking, what if I don't want to do this anymore.

I do look different than I used to, or at least I think I do. I feel like I don't look like myself. I don't know.

Part of me feels like I'm just giving up, because transitioning socially has been very difficult for me. Female terms feel comforting in their familiarity, masculine ones always feel deliberate and effortful. I want to be beautiful, I want to be desirable. Does going off testosterone simply represent a submission to societal pressure, to finally giving in and trying to be normal.

In my junior year of high school I had a crush on a blond man. I had no chance with him, he was tall and gorgeous and smart and rich and a senior and it just was not happening, but I sort of put a pause on my transition that year as I got to know him, and tried to be more feminine, more conventionally attractive. It didn't work. I am not that. I cannot be that. I can't! It is something that I am not capable of, it is something I have never been capable of. I feel like as soon as I hit puberty it was over for me. I got gross. And that's terrible, that's so terrible, that's a terrible thing to feel and a terrible way to think but I cannot help it because I feel like that is the input that I am receiving from the outside world. I just had this conversation with a couple of friends but it really is ethnic trauma. My mother got a nose job at 14 and extensive laser hair removal to dull her ethnic traits, traits that she then passed on to me, traits that were amplified by my dad's genetics, traits that she implicitly taught me were ugly and undesirable and needed to be changed. And then I had the nerve to be autistic too, pick a struggle, really.

WHATEVER basically I am fucking fiending for sexual validation from cis men that I am too cowardly to actually go out and get so instead I'm just going to bitch and moan on here. I am not going to detransition because their is nothing to detransition back to, I was never a girl, but so much of me wishes I could be, I want more desperately than anything to be a beautiful and desirable woman. I thought because I couldn't cut it as a girl I should try being a boy but I don't know, it feels unnatural. A bitch needs to get on estrogen or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#askbox

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monotonous-minutia · 1 year ago

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Work rant. May delete later. Don't feel pressured to read.

I'm ticked off.

As some of you probably know by now, at my job we work with kids who can get physically aggressive towards staff. Pretty much everyone who works here has been hit, kicked, pushed, or bitten, sometimes all of the above. People always ask me how can I handle working here and the weird thing is after a while you just get used to it. We get a ton of training and on the job practice so after a bit you just know what to do and work with it motion by motion.

Even so, it can still be scary and overwhelming.

Now my issue is my boss (who I no longer appreciate or trust for a really involved reason) today got scratched by a kid. She was telling him to put his phone away, he didn't want to and started yelling, she went to radio for backup (we all have walkies on us at all times), he reached for her radio to stop her, and accidentally scratched her with his fingernails, which I know were too long because I talked about it to him earlier.

Obviously that's not fun. I'm sorry it happened to her. But he wasn't trying to hurt her and she kind of acted like he was aggressing towards her maliciously and called a code red so like half the building came running to help her. Immediately after she removed herself from the situation, she grabbed her stuff and went home early.

I don't want to engage in trauma Olympics but the reason this irks me is because a few months ago I was alone in a room with a kid who punched me in the head six times, knocked me over, and started kicking and hitting me while I was lying on the ground. I had to radio for help three times before people started showing up and between my calls I heard them talking like "I can be there if no one else can" or "someone switch out with me and this kid" instead of rushing to my aid when I'm getting pounded by a kid half a head taller than me.

When people finally showed up to help I crawled out of her range and ran to my office to sit down and have a full-on nervous breakdown. Several people checked in on me which was nice and my favorite coworker (the one who left) sat with me for a while and talked me through it. But no one told me I could go home. I had group half an hour later and another one after that and then a meeting. No one said they would cover for me and that I could go take care of myself. I had bruises and a headache that lasted two days. (For all I know I had a concussion but I'm never going to the hospital again so who knows.)

Thing is my boss is a little out of touch I think because she's not in group and with the kids on the front lines constantly working with their escalations. And when she is involved she always has a big reaction. Big reactions are fine, we all still have them. But I've been getting in a lot of trouble for being "disregulated" (there was literally an intervention and other things I won't get into but are the reason I no longer trust my boss because of the way she handled it). So it seems really hypocritical of her to have big reactions and leave work early when a kid scratches her but I'm expected to suck it up when a kid beats the crap out of me. I can't cry at work or express frustrations without people using it against me to say I'm doing a terrible job.

I love the work I do in spite of the risks because I want to help these kids. I used to feel like my coworkers are so supportive and understanding. But now I feel like I can't be myself or ask for help. I'm constantly walking on eggshells waiting for someone to point out all the things I'm doing wrong. And the one person I trusted isn't there anymore. So I go every day into this high stress job with no outlet and no ability to admit when I'm overwhelmed. I suck up my tears and smile and say it's just another day and then go home and kick the wall.

I'm currently looking into different jobs and figuring out what my best options are. I hate leaving the kids and this work but it's so unhealthy for me to be there constantly worried that one more mistake is going to be the end of me.

#anyway #work stuff #pardon my rant #delete later

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nudebabitz · 2 years ago

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hi! i’m a big fan of your work and admire so much how much writing you post. i feel like we’re always being graced by something new and wholly lovely. it’s a real gift and i’m so grateful that you share your work. i write fic too and often wish i worked a little faster. i’m wondering if you’d be willing to share about your process. do you have a writing schedule? what are your writing “philosophies” if you have any? is your writing pace something you’ve worked to grow as a skill, or is it something that feels like it comes more naturally to you? and if i’m being overly curious, just ignore me! i’m interested in other writers’ process but know these can potentially be big questions to ask out of nowhere. thanks!!

Hello!!!

First of all, I apologize for not answering this sooner. This is such a lovely ask and a lovely question. I attempted to get my thoughts organized, got super sick in the middle, fell a bit out of love with even writing fic, and am now back lol!

I will attempt to organize my thoughts a bit for this question, but I'm known to go off on tangents, so I apologize if something doesn't make sense. Feel free to send another ask/dm me/comment/etc for clarification or any follow-up questions :)

Right off the bat--thank you for your very kind words :,) and thank you for taking the time to read my fics! I appreciate you so much.

My process is a bit wonky. I have actually slowly and recently become aware that I don't work the way a lot of my writer friends do--in a myriad of ways. Like, my output is not necessarily normal; in some cases, I am way faster than some other fic writers in terms of putting out work, and in other cases, I'm suuuuuuuuper slow, as there are people who update a couple times a week and finish long-form fics in a handful of months.

I think it boils down to this--I started writing fic because I just wanted to read a certain kind of fic--so I wrote it. I just wrote it! I sat down and wrote exactly the words I wanted to read and then I hit publish and kept going. Anytime I got an AU idea that was particularly gripping, I would just sit and write it and that was it.

I don't outline 99% of the time. It is rare that I do and I usually hate when I do it because it ends up as a last ditch attempt to get all my ducks in a row for a story that is giving me trouble and then the outline becomes really restrictive for me and then writing becomes tedious. I think it's important to note that writing fic, for me, is a really creative thing that I try not to put pressure on myself for, and the way I write my original work is really different. With fic, I will just sit and write and hit publish and I'm lucky if I do a proof read lol. I will quite often catch typos MONTHS later. Lol. If I'm being patient, I'll sit and re-read and re-edit a fic over the course of a few weeks and it's always better and more fully formed and trimmed in the right places and (in my opinion) better when I do that, but the thing is, I really don't usually do that!

That gets to the next bit--writing philosophies. There's about a thousand schools of thought and they're all garbage. The only one that matters is the one that you come up with and that works for you. Now, that doesn't mean that your writing philosophy and approach to the craft has to be entirely independently thought up by you, no. It can and probably will be an amalgamation of your own ideas and other people's ideas that work for you! But it should be a bit of taking from other's here and there and finding what works for you.

Mine is sort of like this;

For me, writing fic is a lot of things, but at the core, it is about creativity, freedom, removal from a capitalist need to produce/creation for the sake of creation, and a place to push my own boundaries. I write super wild smut or crazy out there AUs just to push myself to see if I can write it. I write an AU I come up with while driving in the car just because it gripped me and I want to. I write super fast because the idea just grips me and I want to exorcise the demon inside me and vomit it all up on the page and feel better. I've found that if I stray from that and I write for another reason, I usually feel pretty crummy about it.

This, of course, means that I don't have a real schedule or strict deadlines for myself or anything. I just write for fun and that's it! I am sure it's probably frustrating as a reader and I am sorry 😭 tbh sometimes it's frustrating as a writer knowing I'd probably have greater readership if I was more consistent with updates and wrote on a schedule and stuff, but that's my own fault lol, I just follow the muse. That being said, right now, I remain committed to finishing all my WIPs. I don't have a timeline for that, but I do remain committed to it.

Of course, I don't know how much of this is helpful for you if you're looking to have more discipline in your practice, so here are some more practical steps to write consistently;

put aside time each day to write, even 30 mins a day is good

SPRINT!!! sprinting for 15 mins and giving myself an impossible word count to meet really pulls me out of a funk and pushes me to write

follow your muse where it takes you and write what feels fun

on the flip side, you have to sometimes be the grown up and force yourself to sit down and write the bits you might be dreading or putting off, and you just gotta do them! this is where sprinting comes in

Your last question; my pace really has just come naturally, it's not something I've worked on or worked towards. It's been a bit of a "oh I guess that's there" lol. Discovering my normal and discovering what I can reasonably expect from myself both length-wise and time-wise (in how long it takes for me to write something) has been hugely helpful in budgeting my time moving forward while writing and setting realistic goals and expectations for myself. There have been times I have pushed myself--like with Bridgerton, Actually, which I wrote updates for weekly--and times where I let myself have a chapter update with a low for me word count and remind myself it is fine lol. The pace is the pace and it just... happens! I will say that if you're looking to get faster, ask yourself why, and try to be realistic if the quality is going to grow along with the pace, or if it will suffer. There have been times where I've taken longer on an update, knowing full well I could just slap something down on a paper and hit update and not care, but I instead made myself work through things, even when I didn't want to, and take time with them, because I knew it would be worth it for the quality. Sometimes, however, I've sacrificed quality for timeliness (Bridgerton, Actually is an example of that; I still think it's a good fun holiday fic, but it's only about 33% as good and fleshed-out as I wanted it to be, but that's my own fault because I didn't start writing soon enough ahead of time, and I prioritized my update schedule over quality, and that was a concession I had to make my peace with!), and that's okay too, if that's what you know you're going to do going into something!

I think I answered all of your questions but feel free to let me know if you'd like me to expand on something :)) thanks for the question, it wasn't invasive at all! I love talking about the process <3

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ladylaviniya · 1 year ago

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I just want to be looked after. I get it. Call me what you want. Gold digger, Childish, Stupid, Immature, Greedy.

I'm tired.

I know what I want is considered an unhealthy lifestyle cause it requires me to rely financially on a man.

I just hate it. Not feeling special.

What makes me feel special? Buying me gifts, giving me praise and assurance, kissing the top of my head. It lets me feel feminine and pretty. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be "Cool Girl" and "Sexy Mature Woman." When the men are barely that themselves.

I swear to god, boys still haven't changed since highschool and even when I try to date older men, they're usually perverts with kids already who just want me to be his sex doll move in Nanny.

I don't want to feel like a woman anymore. I have always been the mature one. ALWAYS. I just want to feel like a dirk again and be looked after.

I know that's considered a red flag because men don't want to look after a woman who wants to be treated like a child. I just want that stress off my shoulders. I hate the exhaustion of work and the price of rent and feeling alone and unloved and ugly. I want a man who will hold me and be patient and not attempt to pressure me into sex when I've already told him I'm not in the mood.

I want to be picked up from work by a man who waits in the carpark with a cold bottle of water and me pet names .

Or he gives me $10 half dead flowers he picked up from across the road at Woolworths just because he was in there and quickly thought of me. I would try and dry press those flowers so fast.

I'd give that man my virginity and try to give him the best head. (I've never done it but I'd learn and practice on toys just for him.)

I'd wear uncomfortable heels and wax my cunt raw for him if he wanted it.

Now I know you all read this and think "this isn't love." But you can't tell me this isn't better than going on a date with some douchebag that talks only about himself, wears shitty clothes, doesn't pay for the meal and think he's gods gift to the world before trying to kiss and fuck you without asking you if you want to or talk about condoms and pills.

I want to be treated like a pet. A dog. Feed me, cuddle me, praise me, walk me, wash and brush me. Make sure I'm taking care of myself.

"You're describing a parent not an equal partner." Okay then? I guess I want a parent. I want a parent I haven't had. If he wants to be called daddy, cool, whatever.

I want to cook and clean an apartment or house I live in with him. I want to make him cum so much and so hard that I'm the only person that can make it happen. I want to wash him in a bath we share together. I want to pour him his favourite beverage into a glass cup and hand it to him, squeeze his shoulders and massage his neck and tell him how grateful I am that I get to be in his life and how I love his generosity and care.

I want to be able to put my feet in his lap while we sit on the couch and feel him softly pinching my toes or randomly tickling my feet while we are watching a scary movie. I don't even like scary movies- like literally I avoid horror, but I'd watch it for him if he would take care of me.

I don't want to be a passenger princess- 9/10 it's some alt right asshole driving too fast and dangerously in his 4XD on a camping trip and calling it an adventure. Going up steep hills and to places without reception then try this under the stars gazing bullshit. I doubt he even knows which is the southern cross and other astrology layouts. hell white some movie from 20 years ago, claim it's some wisdom he thought of on his own 🤢 then he'll lean in for that dead eye roll kiss and his breath will smell like death along with his sweaty body odour.

I'd prefer being a passenger princess on a flight or even a boat ride. Take me fishing in a dingy. Mansplain how to catch the fish. Show me how to reel the fish in. Take the photo of me and fish. He can remove the bones descale it and I'll cook it.

I want to feel sexy and feminine while feeling like I'm the only woman in the world. I won't need to worry about the porn he has built his expectations on because he appreciates how much of a whore I'm playing to be to please him.

I want to make a shopping list and meal plan our dinners without worrying too much about the expenses. I already buy the cheap knock offs but sometimes I can't afford it all still.

I want him to have a job in corporate or arts or even if it's super masculine like tradies, that he will behave like a gentleman. Open doors, pull out my seat.

Even if he's stressed I want him to be able to smile at me and say, "Baby I'm tired due to work, I just need to have some space." So I can tell him to go have a shower while I make his favourite dinner, turn the lights down low, put it on a plate and bring it to him in bed. Give him a Panadol and water and try to not boggle him with the events of my day especially if it can wait tomorrow. But. I won't lie ...I'd probably put on HIS favourite lingerie set just to make him confused and giggle about why the hell I'm prancing around in almost the nude. I'd encourage him to destress. Vent. Even if I had no clue to what the words or work he was talking about meant, I'd make him feel like he was always in the right. Nothing would be his fault (even if it was).

#fantasy relationship #daddy issues #toxic love #unrealistic #real men #Spotify

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dropsofnightraindiary · 2 months ago

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Monday, 7th April 2025

I haven't been sleeping that great. My mind is filled with scenes of tragedy (Being outed through someone reading a love letter I haven't yet written (but could) to an audience at the local sports bar or being pushed into the deep sea) while being surrounded by community, friendship and love from the people I am trying to connect to lately.

I recently joined a meetup group in my town and I am beyond excited to get to know people in the group, but due to social struggles (possibly caused by a mixture of autism and general worry) I am finding it difficult to make friends.

They are all so inviting and inclusive, and I can tell they are trying to break through the walls I'm finding myself behind. Subconsciously, I think I am afraid of being vulnerable and opening up, afraid that they will reject me.

For that reason I am nervous about even speaking to them, being perceived by them.

My brain struggles to make sense of their questions, and I have to ask them to repeat it or take a few seconds.

I'm worried I come off as cold or stand offish, when in reality I am putting way too much pressure on myself to impress them and make them like me.

I'm meeting up with them again on Sunday, and I'm looking forward to it. I was looking forward to it last time too, but it ended up not going as well as I'd hoped. I think it's tough when you're in a group setting also.

Nevertheless, I'm going to try harder this time to be more fearless and not worry so much about impressing them. The people who are meant to be in your life will be.

I was scrolling on YouTube Shorts recently and Aaron Doughty, a sort of spiritual/motivational type speaker, came up stating that being your most vulnerable authentic version of you is going to attract people that resonate with those parts of you, but it will also repel people who do not resonate with those parts of you.

He says you do not need the approval and validation of those who do not resonate with those parts of you.

"The only way people can really love you is if you are being you."

It sounds simple in theory and seems 'common sense' but it is difficult in practice, especially if you love and admire the people you are trying to connect with for always being authentically themselves. You are just afraid they won't reciprocate, and they won't feel comfortable around you.

It is something I am going to try and work on: Being more authentically me with new people.

"Be bold, be brave" is a phrase I tell myself often lol, and it is one I need to put into practice now.

Reflecting on the past week...

My wins of the week have been:

Graduating from the 5k running group, and becoming a member of the main group.

Showing up to hang out with people, even if it is scary.

Getting my eyebrows and face threaded. (Never had any hair removal done professionally before, but I have to say it looks amazing and I enjoyed the process of it. The threading itself was musical and like a performance, with the different ways it glides along your skin....and the sound it makes!).

Delights of the past week:

Spring is here, and I am blooming. The clocks went forward last weekend and the longer days, where the sun is shining and warm, are a welcome change. It is funny and strange how different it feels.

Reading - I read Women by Chloe Caldwell and it was incredible. It is a meditation on discovering your sexuality, complicated relationships, and mental health struggles. I also loved the descriptions of the main character working in the library and borrowing books, and I loved the references to other works and to The L Word season 1. I am now reading Our Wives Under The Sea by Julia Armfield for a book club, though I've only read the opening quotes so far.

Eating Bear Fruit - Packets of gently baked strawberries and mango.

Finally making more of the pasta I love. It's very simple to make, just some pasta of your choice, cheese spread, nutritional yeast, sliced mushrooms, smoked tofu and some garlic powder. It is very delicious and I'm glad I have leftovers for tomorrow. :)

Signing up for some running and walking events. I had to get a new diary, as my diary only goes up to July and these events are in August and October.

Being on the phone to my dad for 3+ hours, and coming away with a more realistic perspective on success and money.

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afineprivateplace · 5 months ago

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Undesirables

Even though I've only just started the process of unpacking and healing from my trauma, it's easy for me to see the progress that's happening. So much is gained from just naming the things that have happened to me, and admitting the truth that I allowed myself to deny for the time I was involved with Anagram. It feels like the old freezer my parents had, that didn't defrost automatically and built up these chunks of ice that would have to be removed manually. You'd take a hammer and find a spot to tap, tap, tap at, until suddenly you'd hit with enough pressure and a whole sheet of the stuff would come off at once. Now that I've started, big revelations are coming to me. I know it won't continue like this for long - soon the work will get harder and less immediately cathartic - but it's an encouraging way to start.

And yet, there's another reason why this is a painful thing to go through, and why I've put off working through my trauma for so long. In the midst of my relationship falling all too slowly apart, other things were happening in my life. I got very sick. I needed various treatments and surgeries, and it all took a toll on my body. As a result, I'm now physically disabled and have developed further chronic illness. My body is scarred and changed in ways I can't comfortably discuss with most people in my life. Just as the abuse Anagram inflicted on me has forever changed the way I feel about myself as a person, my medical trauma has forever changed the way I look at my physical self.

I've never had a particularly positive self-image. I don't look at myself and see an attractive person. For a little while, Anagram was able to make me feel desirable, but they were just as good at making me feel subhuman, so at best I think I have to disregard their take on me entirely. And now, frankly, I just can't see myself as desirable in any way. I try to avoid looking at my body at all these days. The thought of trying to show myself undressed to anyone else is mortifying.

So after one relationship that trapped me in misery for far too long, it feels like that's it for me. Even if I could move past the damage to my sense of self and my ability to trust others enough to connect with someone romantically, I can't imagine being physically intimate with someone in the state my body is in. I loved being in love; I always hoped I could find someone to spend my life with. But now the idea feels ludicrous, as likely as travelling to another planet.

Part of me feels really pathetic for admitting all this. I know there are people out there, thousands of them, with all sorts of disabilities who find love, who have sex lives, who connect with people again after all sorts of horrendous abuses. If anyone else asked me if their disability made them unlovable, I'd do everything I could to assure them it didn't. I should be able to apply that to myself. But I simply can't. The same internal voices that have always told me I'm uniquely awful because of my depression and anxiety are there to tell me I can't overcome the horror that is my body.

It's not like it was ever easy to convince myself I deserved love. It felt like a fluke that I found Anagram, and then when they turned and told me I was a piece of trash it was simple enough to accept that, tell myself that I'd been living a lie as someone who could be desired. Learning that the things Anagram said and did to me were unjustified undoes some of that hurt, but it can't reverse the original narrative I held. Even if I were to meet someone, a stranger in a bar, and some flirting occurred, I'd know that they can't see the full picture yet. It'd only be a matter of time before I had to show them my full, broken self. Easier to just ignore those dark waters.

There's no simple ending to this. No catharsis waiting once I process these feelings. It's just the latest of a bunch of awful things I've learned to accept, and another part of myself to mourn.

#cw: abuse #mental health #surviving abuse #relationships #intimacy #disability #chronic illness

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jodilin65 · 10 months ago

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Another day of being tired thanks to staying up for a long time. I also had a dream that wasn't a nightmare but still wasn't great. It seems like it's always one or the other for me—nightmares or bad dreams. I'm not sure if the dream woke me up, and I could have slept longer, or if I just happened to wake up in the middle of it.

I asked AI what can cause nightmares for someone whose life is relatively stress-free, and one of the things it came up with was pretty funny. It said those with active and creative imaginations might be more prone to them. LOL. Also, irregular sleep patterns and sleep apnea were mentioned. So maybe the sleep apnea is messing me up more than I realized.

I just wish I could magically know (assuming I'm a candidate for it) if I could get used to the feeling of the device and if it would be comfortable enough to sleep on my stomach with. I think giving up that position for life would be really hard. I was skimming some health articles, and a woman was saying that she hadn't been able to sleep on her stomach for months, which is also her favorite position, and she hadn't gotten a decent night's sleep since then. She really misses sleeping on her stomach. Once I started healing from gallbladder surgery, it felt like heaven to finally be able to flip onto my stomach as I was falling asleep. I also read that while laying on your stomach might put more pressure on the device, it's more noticeable for those with a lean body. Well, I don't have a lean body despite having more than the average amount of muscle.

I also wish I knew if it would help if I got it and could tolerate it. If it wasn't helpful, it would be as simple as not turning it on before bed. But if it was uncomfortable, it could cost anywhere from $10K to $25K to get the thing removed if my insurance wouldn't cover it.

A few days ago, I was thinking about how much of a bummer it was that I was back to not remembering my dreams because I like to include them in my journal entries. But now I wish they would stop again. I never win the lottery in dreams. I never go vacationing in Hawaii. I'm never young, slim, horny, and approached by gorgeous women (or guys) that I can see with perfect vision.

So what happened in the dream? The courts ordered me to be 100% independent, meaning I couldn't live with Tom, and he couldn't pay for anything to support me. Of course, we would never go to court, much less let a bunch of strangers tell us how to live our lives just because they could legally do so. But we did in the dream, and I started to do what I could to comply with their crazy orders. There was a young woman I knew who was in her 20s who wasn't very stable—she was dumb, immature, and didn't really have any sense of direction in life. She might have had a kid too, and was living with her mother in a dumpy old trailer. They owned two similar trailers side by side.

So, I went to them, explained the situation, and asked if I could use the bathroom and take a shower. They said that the trailer they were in was just the one they hung out in all day and where they slept. I'd have to go into the other trailer for the shower. So, I entered the other trailer and found myself ankle-deep in mud. The entire living room was covered in mud. I managed to get through to the kitchen and took a paper towel to try to wipe the mud from my shoes. When I went to rinse my hands in the sink, I found the water pressure was extremely low. Realizing I could never take a shower with water pressure that low and how hungry I was getting, I started to get really frustrated. I knew I had to figure out a way to get through to Tom and for him to sneak me some money so I could get a place and have food.

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thebibliosphere · 4 years ago

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Hello! I hope that you are well* (*As well as can be, in spoonie terms). I'm writing to ask if you have any Spoonie Advice on how to keep going with house repairs when it seems like your house invents new ways to be inaccessible every week. I had to move recently, and meeting the rising tide of accessibility challenges in my new apartment is daunting and tiring. Any tips, tricks, or words of wisdom? (No pressure to answer though, if you don't have the spoons or wouldn't like to!)

Hello, thank you <3 I hope you're doing well too. (With the same caveat of course lol)

My advice would be to do what is immediately available to you to improve your life and help you preserve energy for the big things.

When we first moved into our house, I was suffering the worst of my fatigue. Yet foolishly, I did very little to make my life easier. I was stuck in the mentality of not wanting to spend money on temporary fixes that would make my life easier because we would eventually redo the entire space.

So why bother to invest in a shower chair so I can sit down and preserve energy while I wash? We were going to redo the tub soon. Why bother with mobility aids that suction to the wall and don't require drilling? We're going to be installing permanent ones at some point. Why waste $20 on an ugly piece of plastic that I eventually won't need?

I did the same in our apartment. Why bother to do XYZ to the space when it would never be our permanent home? I could manage, I could cope. I didn't need to make minor accommodations when we would eventually make major ones.

Was there some internalized ableism going on there? More than probably. Was I justifying denying myself aids that would improve my life because I was suffering under the idea of being more efficient and cost-effective in the long run? Absolutely.

So yeah, when everything seems overwhelming, look around your space and try to assess what can easily be helped with a quick trip to your local Walgreens or Home Depot, or a quick look at Amazon and browsing through the accessibility options.

Would a shower chair help you preserve energy in the shower? Great! They can also double as extra flat storage space at the side of the tub/shower when not in use.

Would temporary suction cups bars help your stability in the shower? Also great. And the good thing about temp ones is you can take them with you if you wind up going somewhere where you're not sure your accessibility needs will be met.

Would extra laundry baskets help you pre-sort your laundry, thus removing an extra step from the executive dysfunction chain come laundry day? Awesome.

Would removing cabinet doors help with executive dysfunction so you can see where everything is? Cool. Most are easy to unscrew and set aside for putting back on later if/when you move on from a rented space.

Same with labels? Would labeling things help you find stuff? You could buy a label maker, or you could get some crafting tape that peels off from (most) finishes easily and write them by hand.

Would something like the 15-minute pick-up help you keep on top of your cleaning routine and make it easier for you to tackle? Fab. I bought a bunch of cheap buckets and baskets from Ikea to keep things contained. Helps with my dust allergies and reduces tripping hazards in the house.

Can't reach the storage space in your house? We bought low-down sorting bins for me to use that don't require a lot of upward mobility. You can get some pretty stuff at Ikea too if you're able to build things or have someone who can help you with them.

If the counters in your kitchen are too high, are you able to place a table you can comfortably sit at for food prep, or can you bring a chair into the space you can use to boost yourself up the counter height?

What about your utensils? Would tools designed for mobility help save energy/reduce injury? (Some good examples when searching Amazon for 'knives for arthritis'.)

I don't know what your specific needs are, but if you would like to discuss examples with me, I can try to help troubleshoot them and lighten the mental load. That’s the benefit of having a diverse disabled community around you. We get to share our experiences and our life hacks. And they're usually more helpful than "install an entire pulley system of ropes and sliders across your basement staircase to do your laundry in the basement" when you're talking about waiting to install a washer and dryer on your main floor lol.

(I love all of you. It's just mentally taxing when people all keep suggesting the same thing repeatedly. Especially when that thing involves major structural work that isn't actually as simple as it sounds.)

Of course, these are all steps that require money, but that is sadly true of most accessibility steps. The world is not built with us in mind, so it always costs extra for us to function in it. But from experience? It's money well spent, even if you have to do it gradually and if the goal is to replace them with "better" things in the end. Tackling things in little steps helps. And honestly, sometimes you don’t realize how much the accumulative weight of minor problems is weighing on you until you pick them off one by one.

A kilo of feathers still weighs the same as a kilo of steel. Just because one is softer and not as hard looking doesn’t make it any lighter to carry.

#chronic health tag #disability tag #I hope this was helpful #and again hmu if you're scratching your head over something #I'm getting pretty good at hacking my house together

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morroodle · 3 years ago

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Morrotober Overview

October is over and morrotober is done! I actually made it all the way through without missing a single day (I swapped 2 days because I have a terrible concept of time but that dosent count). I'm so proud of myself. I've tried an October drawing challenge year after year but I always gave up and burned out after the first week so this is a huge accomplishment.

I'm not quite sure what made this year different but there are a few things I think might have helped:

Morro is my blorbo and ninjago is my hyperfixation. I'm already obsessed and thinking about it daily so this wasnt too different

I gave myself flexibility. Even though I ended up doing one for every day I never was going to force myself to do so, I had the freedom to skip a day if I didn't want to do it.

Flexibility pt. 2: I didn't make a full drawing every day. I allowed myself to put in as much or as little effort as I wanted which removed some of the pressure and worked better with my schedule

Now for some fun stuff! A recap of the art I made this month and my thoughts on some of the peices.

My favorite peice: day 29 - au/the movie

This was so much fun and I'm so happy with how it turned out. I couldn't decide on one au to draw since I have so many and keep making them so I just did a bunch! (Copy paste my best friend) I've had a bunch of ideas for designs bounching around for a while and getting to draw a handful of them with less effort than a full drawing which is great for my mental health. Honestly I liked making this and the results so much that I'm probably gonna do more of these with more designs.

Least favorite: day 1 - torment/chains

A dissapointing start to the challenge but luckily things only went uphill from here. The reason i dont like it is because this is one of those instances where the idea I have in my head is above my skill level. Additionally this is one of the ones that took the longest which is extra dissapointing considering I don't even like the result. I am proud of the hands though!

Most effort: day 14 - crew

I am NOT used to doing more than like 2 characters in one drawing and this was a challenge. Figuring out a pose for all of them was hard and I had to get creative with Wrayth cause he came last. I originally wanted to put a ghost dragon behind them too but that was just more effort and time than I had. Funny story about this one actually! I completed the base sketch for 3/5 of the characters but then my computer got fucky and I had to restart it. I saved the drawing but when I tried to open it I got the dreaded clip studio Unsupported File Format and had to restart ;-; I spent like half an hour trying to restore but had to give up in the end and restart.

Least effort: day 23 - memories

Little guy. Tiny dude. Took like 5 minutes and I love it. I didn't realize just how small I made him until I got a reblog saying they couldn't find him.

Most popular: day 5 - rope

Would have liked for some of my other drawings to get some of the attention this one got but honestly I'm not suprised it got so popular. It's a masterpiece.

Least popular: day 12 - underwater/submarine

Guess people don't want morro to be destinkified

Extra: day 6 - skeleton

This dude literally showed up on google?? I made that???? The funny part is the link dosent even lead to my blog or tumblr

Additional notes: wait what am I supposed to do now?? I think I forgot how to have free time?? For an entire month it's just been school eat sleep and morrotober but now it's over I don't know what to do with myself. A

Did I enjoy this? Yes. Will I do it again next year? Who fucking knows. Anyway back to my normal bs

#ninjago #lego ninjago #ninjago morro #morro #morrotober #art

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ichigoromi · 4 years ago

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𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐈𝐓 | 𝐌𝐒𝐁𝐘 𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧 | 𝐇𝐚𝐢𝐤𝐲𝐮𝐮 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧

GUYS AND GIRLS AND MY NON-BINARY MATES! IT'S OKAY TO STOP WHENEVER YOU WANT. DO NOT FEEL OBLIGATED TO CONTINUE JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARTNER WANTS. CONSENT IS BOTH WAYS.

Okay, yeah, I just want to put that out because I've seen some of my acquaintances or heard stories going through some traumatic shit because they weren't ready but were forced to go through it.

Pairing (s): MSBY Four — Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shoyo, Miya Atsumu and Sakusa Kiyoomi x fem! reader, all characters are aged up!

Genre: romance, fluff

Warning (s): mentions of sex, pre-marital sex, suggestive themes, toxic friends, peer pressure, sexual assault not suitable for 18 and under. 18 and under DNI.

a/n - not going to lie; I always feel uncomfy while writing kissing or seggs scenes because I have no idea how it feels. Do people really suck their partner's tongue while making out? I have tons of questions, but my irl friends are like me, we have no knowledge abt kissing...

Enjoy~!

Bokuto Koutarou

Bokuto is your first boyfriend, and he is your first for everything.

He is always patient and never rushes you.

You two always do things at your pace because he doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable.

But, you know that sooner or later, you two would have sex.

And the thought of it scares you.

You were brought up in a traditional and conservative family; sex was never really mentioned.

Most of your friends are experienced and often give you advice on how to do it.

Some of your 'friends' told you that he will leave you if you don't have sex with him soon.

You're an insecure individual, so hearing those, you can't help but feel obligated to have sex with him soon.

Bokuto has a high EQ, and he easily noticed that you were feeling upset.

Since you didn't want to worry him, you reassure him that you were okay.

After three years of dating, was he going to leave you because you two couldn't have sex because of you?

Bokuto pulls you onto his lap, and you gently loop your arms around his neck to bring him closer to you. You kissed him back with as much passion as he was, and he sneaks his hands underneath your shirt to massage your stomach gently.

You softly moaned when he slips his tongue into yours, and he playfully sucks on it.

He stops kissing your lips and slowly kisses his way down to your neck, and sucks on your collarbones, leaving light love bites on them. Your breath hitched when you felt him cupping your breast; you immediately pushed his hands away.

At first, Bokuto felt a bit taken back by your reaction, then he saw your glassy eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong? You can tell me." He tries to touch you, but you shook your head.

"I'm not ready...I don't want to do this, Kou. Are you going to leave me?" Bokuto was confused; why the hell would you come to a conclusion that ridiculous just because you didn't want to have sex with him?

He cups your face and makes you face him.

"Babe, it's okay if you're not ready. We don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can stop. I'll never leave you. Was it those friends of yours again? Dump them. If my baby doesn't want to have sex, then we shall not. We shall do it when you're ready, okay? Don't feel pressured by them; we do this at our pace. Now, do you want to watch a movie and cuddle?" You meekly nodded your head, and he kisses your forehead and on the lips.

Bokuto went back to the room and came back with a big fleece blanket.

"Virgin or not, I will always love you. Don't listen to the rubbish they are talking about. If you wanna have sex, we can do it. As long you are comfortable, that is all I want. Don't blame yourself, okay?" He flicked your forehead when he noticed your sad pout.

He set up the TV and dims the lights in the living room. You sat in his lap, and he wraps the blanket around the two of you as the movie starts playing.

"Kou, I love you. Thank you for being so understanding." You thanked him and kisses his cheek.

"I love you too." Bokuto pulls you closer and kisses the top of your head.

Miya Atsumu

Atsumu loves you a lot.

You were the first girlfriend he has brought home to his parents, and Osamu approves of you.

It seems like he has found his match. His fans were glad to see him in a relationship where he is genuinely happy.

Before Atsumu, you dated a couple of guys, and it was all bad experiences.

Your first boyfriend forced you to give your virginity to him, and he was older, so you thought that was what you're supposed to do in a relationship.

The second guy just took advantage of your vulnerability and exploit you in the worst possible ways.

You met Atsumu while working as a pilates instructor, and their's team trainer introduced you to him.

And you two have been dating for about two years after knowing for about a year.

Sex...you two did talk about it, but you were just not ready to do it after all the traumatic experiences.

And, he was okay with it.

You felt bad because sometimes you can hear him touching himself, yet you can't help him with his needs.

"Tsumu, let's do it." You climb into his lap and captures his lips into yours. He was surprised, but nonetheless, he loves kissing you. He wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you closer to him.

His hands crept up to your inner thighs, and he starts massaging your thighs.

You felt a bit squirmish and slight discomfort, but you ignored it and starts kissing down his neck, leaving love bites, and you helped him removed his shirt.

Atsumu knows you well, and he noticed your expression. Even though it was subtle, he noticed how you were slightly uncomfortable and when he touches you, you flinched by reflex.

All the small actions that you unconsciously do make him realised that you were forcing yourself to do.

"Hey, we don't have to do it if you're not ready. You don't have to force yourself." Hearing him say that, you broke down in tears.

He holds you securely and pats your back in a comforting manner as you cry.

Even though you wanted to do it, he sensed that you were uncomfortable and decided to stop you. He noticed that you were not ready and immediately stopped and comforted you; it made you realise that he is not like your exes.

"Babe, we can do it when you're ready to do it. No need to rush yourself; I can wait. I'm not going to leave just because we are not having sex." He comforted you and nodded your head.

You lifted up your head, and his heart ached at the sight of your tear-stained cheeks.

"I'm sorry for not being able to things like a normal couple. I just thought that you might leave me if we don't have sex..." He shook his head and cups your face in his hands.

"I can wait as long as you are ready to do it. I'm not going to leave you just because we can't have sex. If I have any urges, I'll just touch myself or something. I want you to feel that you are safe with me and under no pressure. If you don't want to have sex, we don't have to. Is that clear?" He stroke your cheeks gently.

"Thank you for being so patient. I just feel-" Atsumu shuts you up by kissing you on the lips.

"No more feeling bad in this house! Let's watch your favourite show and order takeout, okay?" He was desperately trying to comfort you.

"Okay, I'll stop feeling bad. I love you." You leaned in to kiss his lips.

"I love you too. Now, I'll go get you one of my hoodies and we can cuddle more after I go calm myself down. See you in a bit!" He pecks your lips and rushed off to the bathroom.

Hinata Shōyō

He may look innocent, but Hinata probably has more experience than you.

But this guy has tons of patience when it comes to you.

You knew him since young since he was a neighbour of yours.

After graduating high school, you two reconnected and started dating shortly.

So, you two have been dating for three years, and there has never been a dull moment with him.

However, your friends ask about your sex life, but the two of you literally did nothing. The most you guys did was make out.

It's not you guys are super pure or innocent; you two felt there wasn't a need to have sex.

But how long can he last without having sex?

So you decided to ask him directly about it.

The two of you were just chilling on the sofa after dinner. You snuggled against him, and he wraps his arms around you and pulls you closer to him. When you two entered into the relationship, you guys promised each other to always be open.

Communication was the key to a stable relationship, and it was bugging you.

"Babe, are you okay without having sex? We've been going out for three years, and we never had sex. I just want to know your opinion about it." It was direct, and he never expects to have this kind of talk with you.

He thinks for a moment and hugs you tighter.

"Well, I am fine without it since I've been so busy training. I just want to spend time with you, sex or no sex; I love being around you. And, it's your body too. When you are ready, you can just tell me. No need to rush." He kisses your cheeks, and you nodded your head.

"Okay, I just want to know. You know, because my friends are talking about how sex is the one factor keeping their man. What about you?" You poked his cheeks, and he pouts.

"I'm not that horny! Anyways, I love coming home to your cooking and how you decorate our apartment and our dates! Not all relationships are like that...Or perhaps, you are the horny one in this relationship?" He scooted over from you and gasped.

You rolled your eyes at his dramatic self.

"You are the horny one! I caught you doing it in the bathroom!"

"You did it too! You left your dildo by the bathroom counter!"

The two of you burst out laughing at each other.

"Alright, we can do it whenever you are ready. Wait, we are going to miss the show! Turn on the TV!"

Sakusa Kiyoomi

Both of you are pretty direct in your relationship since you guys prioritise communication.

The talk of sex never really come up in your conversation.

You two have not moved in together yet but are looking at potential places to move in together.

Your parents were happy to hear you two were finally getting your own place after dating for five years and are engaged now.

Both of you rarely have the time to meet since you both are busy, but Sundays are meant for dates.

Your friends are shocked to hear that you and Sakusa never have sex throughout your relationship, not even once.

Maybe you two could just keep in your pants 👀.

Obviously, you two almost did it, but both of you stopped each other before it went further.

Sakusa himself has a lot of restraint but sometimes, seeing you in his shirt and cooking in his kitchen really turns him on.

He stood up from the sofa and approached you from the back. You jumped slightly when he wrapped his arms around your waist and leaned his chin on your shoulder.

"Wait a bit; good food takes time to cook. You can have some strawberries if you're hungry. My uncle sent some from his farm." He was not looking for some strawberries.

Sakusa softly kisses the nape of your neck; you accidentally let out a moan when he sucks on your sensitive spot. His naughty hands slyly sneak under your shirt and touch your stomach, leaving feathery touches below your bra.

He never stops kissing your neck, and you knew this might end up in the bedroom if you don't stop him and no dinner for you two.

"Kiyoomi, stop. I'm not ready yet." You told him firmly, and he stops immediately.

You turn down the stove and turns around to face him. He looked away, feeling guilty that he lost his rationality when he saw you in his shirt.

"Hey, don't feel bad. I stopped you, didn't I? That's all that matter." He lets out a deep sigh and pulls you into his embrace.

"I'm sorry. Seeing you in my shirt, I lost my rationality. You look so damn hot in it." He confessed, and you burst out laughing.

Sakusa frowned and cups your face to make you look at him.

"Fine, I won't laugh but get those strawberries and get out of the kitchen." You loop your arms around his neck to bring him down to your height for a kiss.

He lets you go and got the strawberries to the living room but his eyes were admiring your back as you return back to cooking.

YAASSSSSSS! I'M DONE!

I'm so happy that I have finished writing this! Hope you all enjoyed this! Thank you for reading!

Stay safe and healthy!

With love,

Rosalie🍓

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bludemons · 4 years ago

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Collared Up (Ralvez x Fem!Reader)

Summary: Long story short, Luke is an idiot while being on a case, while Y/N almost passes out from worrying which causes Luke and Spencer, especially Luke, to make it up to her.

Warnings: case talk, poly relationship, slight anxiety attack, collaring, slight dom/sub dynamics, dom!Spencer, dom!Luke, sub!reader, fingering

Word count: 2.7k

Tagging: @subbyspence @honeyspence @peachpitfics @aaronhotchnerr

(gif credit to @criminalmindsvibez)

It was more than just a rough case for you and the rest of the team. A little girl was held hostage and of course your superhero of boyfriend, Luke, decided to go up to the unsub without any backup. He only had his gun, but at least he put on his kevlar. You had a weird feeling in your stomach as soon as Luke said that he was going in. You were yelling at him to not do it, to wait for the rest of the team to arrive, but he just ignored it. You were in one of the SUV's with Tara, Matt and Spencer. Spencer, your other lover boy, took one of your hands in his, rubbing his thumb softly over the back of your hand. "He's gonna be fine", he whispered, but you only shook your head. You knew that this was probably not going to happen. The pit in your stomach only grew when you heard Emily didn't get an answer from Luke when she asked him to update her.

As soon as Matt parked the SUV, you jumped out of the car, running towards the house you knew Luke was in. Spencer wasn't fast enough to grab your arm and hold you back, so he began to run after you. But before you could even enter the house, you saw your boyfriend casually walking out with the little girl in his arms. You stopped in your tracks, causing Spencer to bump into you. You were frozen as you looked at Luke, tears of anger and relief brimming in your eyes. Spencer took a turn to walk back to the cars where Luke already informed the paramedics about the condition of the girl. Once she was in the ambulance with her parents, Emily started to lecture him about how he can't just walk into houses without any backup and all that stuff.

You were still standing on your spot, not moving a single muscle, you didn't even jump when you felt a hand on your shoulder. "Y/N? Come on, let's go back to the station", you heard Tara say as she began to slowly walk you back to the cars. Spencer was talking to Luke but you ignored them, trying to focus on Tara's hand which had moved from your shoulder to your lower back. She sat you in the back of the car and moved in beside you. "Hey, look at me", she said softly. You slowly moved your head so you could look at her. "Luke is safe, he's fine. He only has some scratches, nothing too bad", Tara tried to assure you, but it didn't work. She didn't know the dynamic of your relationship with the two men.You were Luke's, and Spencer's too, but mostly Luke's. You depended on him when you weren't at work, he always took care of you, making sure you're okay, he always knew what he had to do and you just couldn't lose him. It's not like it would be easier for you to lose Spencer, it definitely wasn't, but it was different with Luke.

The moment you saw that Spencer and Luke walked towards the car you were currently sitting in, you opened the door and got out of it, walking to the other one to drive back with your other teammates. Of course Luke took notice of that and turned to you “Y/N?“, he called out your name but you only ignored him. He jogged the last few meters which were between the two of you before he carefully grabbed your arm. “Love… please let me explain it. I just wanted to save her and that’s what I did. I’m fine, nothing happened to me besides a few scratches. I just did my job, just like you would’ve done your-“ you interrupted him. “Don’t you dare say this! I wouldn’t have done this and you know that. I wouldn’t have risked my life without any backup nearby because I do care about you and Spencer. I think about you before I make a single step into an unsubs house. I think about what I’m doing before I let my actions take over“, tears already streamed down your face and Luke tried to wipe them away but you only slapped his hand away, “I can’t lose you Luke. I can’t live without you, I don’t know how to function when you’re not there. I’m yours Luke and you know that. Yes, I’m Spencer’s too, but you, you own me Luke and if you would be dead, I wouldn’t be myself anymore. Do you have any idea how I felt when you didn’t answer Emily? How I kept thinking about finding you half dead? I bet you didn’t and now please let me go.“

Luke slowly loosened his grip on your arm, which was enough for you to pull it away and finally get into the car to drive back to the police station.

That was a few hours ago, now you were on your way back to Quantico. You would usually sit with your boyfriends but you couldn’t. Not right now. Spencer was talking to Luke like nothing had happened, like he just couldn’t have died in there. You slightly shook your head as you continued to read the book in your hand. It was one you got from Spencer to your last birthday. As soon as you landed and were cleared to directly go home, you didn't wait a second to walk to your car, sadly you drove together with Spencer and Luke as Garcia informed you about the case, telling you to directly drive to the jet. You opened the car door and sat down in your usual seat as you waited for the two men to get to the car. You were sitting on the passenger seat as Luke got behind the wheel and Spencer onto the seat behind you. Luke started the engine as you looked out the window, trying to ignore the cut deep tension. "Y/N?", Spencer asked. You only hummed in response, not having the strength to answer him. You just wanted to get home, take a bath and go to bed, but that wasn't what was happening. You noticed the small signs that meant that your mind was slowly drifting away, into a place you didn't want it to be, not right now. Your fidgety hands, your unfocused eyes, the rubbing of your thighs and the slight squirming were all signs that you started to slip into your subspace. And of course did your boyfriends take notice of this and that was the reason why Spencer decided to speak and why Luke decided to carefully put a hand on your thigh, testing if he could touch you and when you didn't flinch away, he completely put his large hand on your body, slowly rubbing his thumb over your clothes. "Can you tell me what's going on in your pretty little mind, my love?", Luke asked this time. You slowly turned your head towards him and nodded. "I-I thought that I lost you today and… and I can't lose you. I need you", you mumbled as tears began to roll down your cheeks again. Luke smiled sadly as he finally noticed how much his actions affected you. He gently grabbed one of your hands and squeezed it. "I'm here sweetheart and I won't go okay? When we get home we're gonna take care of you, making sure you are all relaxed and show you how much we love you. How does that sound baby?", Luke asked you again. You nodded slightly, a small smile making its way on your face. "Both of you?", you asked, your voice so quiet the two men had trouble understanding you. Spencer put one of his hands on your shoulder, gently squeezing it. "Yes, both of us", Spencer confirmed your question.

Once Luke parked the car, you opened the door, getting out of your seat while you grabbed your back. But you weren't long on your feet as you saw Spencer walking towards you and picking you up. His hands underneath your thighs as you wrapped your arms around him, hiding your face in his neck.

As soon as you were inside your shared apartment you looked up a bit, immediately spotting your mint colored collar with the little heart shaped ring. You loosened one of your hands from Spencer's jacket and tried to grab it but you were too far away causing you to whimper. You wanted to feel the soft leather and the cold of the metal around your neck. The way it fit you perfectly, not too tight and not too loose, giving you the perfect amount of pressure. But not only that, it also let you know that Luke and Spencer were still there, still your boyfriends, still your dom's, but most importantly, still alive.

Spencer heard your whimper and looked at you, following your gaze as he saw that you were looking behind him. As he saw what you were looking at he smiled. "You want to wear it sweetheart?", he asked sweetly. You nodded, "yes please." He walked up to the drawer where your collar laid on top, he took it in his hands and went over to the kitchen where he sat you down on the counter. He loosened his grip on you once he was sure that you were sitting properly but you had other plans, your grip tightened around his neck, not wanting to lose the contact. A small whine escaped your mouth, tears threatening to fall down your cheeks, as Spencer removed your arms around his neck. "I know Baby, I know", he whispered as he caressed your cheek, leaving a quick kiss on your lips.

One of Spencer's hands gently pushed away your hair, knowing that it would get caught in the collar otherwise. His lips left a trail of kisses from the corner of your lips down to your neck, sucking softly, leaving a small mark right underneath your ear. You moaned quietly, already being overly sensitive. Spencer smirked as he finally put the collar around your neck, carefully securing it. Once he was satisfied with the fit of it, he put your hair back down. You were relaxing more and more, all worries slowly leaving your mind.

Spencer picked you up again, carrying you into the large bedroom in your apartment. You had your eyes closed but as soon as Spencer stepped into the room, you had the typical smell of candles in your nose which caused you to open your eyes. The only light in the room were the few candles which Luke put on while Spencer was occupied with you. They put the bedroom in a nice dim light, perfect for what the two men had planned. As soon as Spencer put you back down on your feet again, Luke wrapped his arms around you, leaning his forehead against the back of your head. You closed your eyes again, savoring the moment and the heat which radiated off Luke. He was already only wearing his boxers, knowing that any other clothing would be in the way.

In the meantime Spencer also put off all his clothes except his briefs. He was going over to the bed, sitting on the end of it. Luke carefully guided you over, stopping when you were standing between Spencer's legs. They both began to undress you at the same time, Luke helping you out your dress shirt and your bra while Spencer was struggling to open the small button on your pants. He finally got it open and slid the pants down your legs, immediately taking your panties with it. He threw them away once you stepped out of them.

Spencer pushed himself further up on the bed, sitting against the headboard. He motioned for you to come and lay between his legs, your back against his chest. You did what he asked you to do. "You alright sweetheart? You ready for us to make you feel good?", Luke asked as he climbed on the bed too, finding his place between your legs, head first on his stomach, placing both of his arms underneath your thighs. You nodded but you felt Luke squeezing your thighs one time, knowing what that meant, you gave him a vocal answer "mhm, yes please". You weren't able to say much more, your mind already clouded.

This was enough for Luke to leave kisses all over your inner thighs, casually sucking on overly sensitive spots, causing you to let out small moans and whispers. Spencer on the other hand was occupied with gently massaging your boobs, twisting both your nipples from time to time while leaving wet kisses along your jaw and neck. Your eyes were closed, your head leaning against Spencer's chest. Your back arched when you felt Luke's tongue licking one long stripe along your folds, a loud moan leaving your mouth.

"Luke, please", you moaned again as he began to softly suck on your clit. "Please what Sweetheart? You gotta use your words", he mocked as he continued to suck on your clit. "Please, I need your fingers", you whimpered and as soon as the words left your mouth, you could feel one of Luke's fingers teasing you.

Spencer continued to play with your nipples and leaving marks all over your upper body, at least the parts he could reach from his position. You were a moaning mess, not able to form a complete sentence and thought. The only thing on your mind were the two men who were currently giving their all to make you feel loved and appreciated. You always loved to feel Luke's fingers inside, it was one of the best feelings ever. His fingers weren't as long as Spencer's but they were thicker which meant that 2 of Luke's fingers were stretching you as much as 3 of Spencer's.

Luke noticed how close you were, clenching around his fingers, he sped up his pace, careful not to overwhelm you. His fingers and Spencer's hands which were still all over your upper body were enough to send you over the edge. The orgasm made you shake, your thighs clenching together, your back arched and your head pressed even more against Spencer's chest. Luke and Spencer kept praising you, telling you how good you were for them, telling you how much they love you.

It took a few minutes until you calmed down enough to open your eyes again. You loved the sight in front of you. Luke had put a shirt on, smiling down at you as he opened his arms. Spencer slowly let go of you when he was sure that you wouldn't collapse back into his body. You didn't trust your body, or more like, your legs, enough to properly carry you yet, so you decided to crawl over to him. Once you reached him, Luke took you into his arms, pressing you against his chest as you let out a quiet sigh.

You were coming down from your high, coming back down to earth which Luke took notice of, so he decided to free you from your collar. But what he didn't know was that you wanted to keep it on. Grabbing his arm at a speed, he didn't expect, you shook your head. "I-I wanna keep it on please", you said as you looked at him with puppy eyes. "Of course my love, anything you want", he replied, looking behind you to see that Spencer was getting off the bed, walking towards the closet to pull out a shirt for himself and new clothes for you.

He came over to Luke and you, once he pulled his shirt over his head. He carefully placed one of Luke's shirts over your body as the other man in the room helped you up on your feet which made it easier for Spencer to slip the fresh panties up your legs. Once the two men were satisfied, they laid back down on the back with you in the middle. Feeling both of their heartbeats it didn't take you long to fall asleep.

#ralvez #ralvez angst #ralvez fluff #ralvez x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid angst #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x reader #luke alvez #luke alvez x reader #luke alvez fluff #luke alvez angst #luke alvez imagine #criminal minds self insert #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds

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ericsangyeon · 4 years ago

Text

black lace and birthday cake - l.sy

“Look so good yeah, look so sweet. Baby you deserve a treat.”

pairing: sangyeon x female! reader

word count: 2.8k

genre: suggestive, fluff

theme: sangyeon’s birthday gang au

warnings: SMUT!!, profanity, alcohol

a/n: hey guys! i’m back with my long awaited sequel! this can be read as a stand alone but it does take place in the same universe as my other story addicted. again please be nice i’m still not used to writing smut. this was also edited but there could be mistakes! enjoy it! -t :D

playlist moodboard

“Do you have anything for Sangyeons birthday? It's in two days.” Kevin asks me while we are in the Starbucks line.

“No not yet. Honestly, I was going to cook him dinner or something. He's been too busy anyways.” I answer him as we move up.

“Boring!! You have been dating for how long? You should surprise him with something he would love.” Kevin says. All of a sudden his eyes widened. “Oh my gosh I have an idea!” He yells a little too loudly.

“Kevin Moon, I swear to god... But let's hear it.” I roll my eyes at him.

“You should dr- Wait, let me order first and then I'll tell you.” Kevin snickers and walks up to the counter, with me in tow.

After getting our drinks, Kevin and I started to walk around the mall. We’re killing time before our afternoon classes, and Kevin wanted to buy a pair of shoes for himself.

“You never told me what I should do for Sang’s birthday.” I nagged Kevin.

He smirked. “You should go to his apartment the day of, send him a picture of yourself in the lingerie your about to buy and then give him the best sex of his and your life” Kevin says proudly.

My eyes widened and before I can protest, Kevin continues his idea.

“I know you guys have had a crazy sex life. Don’t try to argue, it's obvious with all the turtlenecks you wear. He has been busy with the gang, and this will forsure make him come to you. Quite literally.” Kevin explains to me before taking my hand.

“I guess? I mean, I've been really horny lately and the combination of my vibrator and sexting does nothing for me.” I say to Kevin. He laughs and drags me into Victoria’s Secret.

“Ahh, this is exciting! You're gonna pick out some sexy lingerie! I swear, you’ll get Sangyeon coming in his pants before he even gets his hands on you.”

“Shut up,” I try to say but instead, I blush hard. We proceed to walk over to the lingerie section, as I eye the mannequins on display. Maybe this isn't such a bad idea after all.

November 4th. Sangyeons birthday.

The person looking back at me in my mirror was completely different. I had curled my hair into loose ringlets that rested on my face. I did my eyeshadow with a smokey dark colour, and left my lips bare, as it would all be removed anyways. On my body is a black lace push up bra that barely covers my breasts, with matching panties that highlight my ass. Attached to the underwear on both legs are garters that rest on my upper thighs. Pleased with how I look, I smiled at myself and prepare to leave.

I grab my overnight bag, as I probably will need it. I put on my silver heels and black long coat, and I leave my apartment. On the way to his penthouse, I stopped at the bakery to pick up the cake I had ordered for him earlier today.

Pulling into Sangyeon’s private garage, I park my car and spot Younghoon, the lead bodyguard of the penthouse. I get out of my car and walk over to him.

“Good afternoon Ms. Y/Ln. Sangyeon isnt home.” Younghoon greets me.

“I know, thank you. I want to surprise him for his birthday!” I reply back, smiling.

“Oh okay! Well I’ll leave you to it. I’ll even stay on the garage floor for you.” He says with a hint of teasing.

I roll my eyes and laugh. “I’ll call you if anything goes wrong. Thanks Hoon, you're the best!” I flash him my best smile as he opens the elevator door for me and laughs.

When I get up to Sangyeons penthouse, I am greeted with no staff at all.

“I guess he sent his staff home today thinking he would crash at the mob house.” I think to myself. Due to the high volume of work, Sangyeon has been staying at the TBZ house lately, which is why I never get to see him.

I reach his bedroom, and remove my long coat to hide in his closet. I prop my phone up on his night table, set up the camera to a timer, and proceed to take a risky picture of myself.

“I really hope this works.” I think to myself posing as the timer goes off. I grabbed my phone and my jaw dropped.

It was a picture of myself dressed in the black lingerie, kneeling on his bed. There in perfect HD, are my hard nipples poking through the bra, and my legs spread on my knees to reveal my pussy covered in black lace fabric connected to garders on my thighs.

It was great. I pulled up Sangyeons contact and sent him the picture.

“And now we wait.” I say out loud as I lean back into his bed.

Forty painful minutes later, my phone vibrates next me as I lay on his bed. I roll over to check that it is a message back from Sangyeon, which I open in anticipation.

I'm coming back early, you better be on the bed when I get home. The text read. My eyes widen, and a flash of desire and giddiness shoots through my body, almost leaving me breathless with arousal. I could feel my clit starting to ache with this wave of emotion.

Before I can even remove my panties to relieve the pressure on my clit, I hear the front door to the penthouse open. I jump and rearrange myself so that I'm sitting with my legs dangling from the huge bed. I hear him drop something, and his shuffling getting closer and closer to me. I'm about to call out Sangyeon’s name when the bedroom door swings open.

There Sangyeon stands, suit jacket off and the top buttons of his shirt undone. His eyes are on fire, travelling down my body like he's about to devour me. I stare back at him frozen, as I let myself be torn apart by Sangyeon’s gaze. Finally, his eyes meet mine, and his lips curve into a smirk.

“You're a bad girl.” He whispers.

“What did I do?” I play innocent.

“You know, how you sent me that picture while I was in a meeting just to get me riled up. Do you know the effect you have on me? I could have embarrassed myself in front of the powerful European gang.” Sangyeon growls. He starts to walk towards me slowly, every step he took making me more aroused.

Sangyeon grabs my face roughly and crashes his lips on mine. The brown haired man pushes me down onto the bed and hovers over me. He kisses me roughly, entering his tongue into my mouth when I part my lips. My hands reach up to his shirt, undoing the buttons fast to reveal his beautiful upper body. I press my hands on his abs, making him gasp into my mouth. I didn't even realize Sangyeon had taken my bra off, until his lips left mine made their way down to my bare breasts.

“Your tits are beautiful.” Sangyeon coos, bringing his mouth down. He catches my left nipple into his mouth and sucks on it softly while using his hand to fondle with my right breast. I let out a loud sigh, as he switches to the right. But when Sangyeon starts to leave open mouth kisses down my stomach, I use this chance to flip him over, making me on top.

“Y/N, baby, I'm always on top. What are you doing?” Sangyeon asks me.

“It's your birthday, let me spoil you for once.” I reply mischievously.

“Baby its okay, I dont m- fuck!” He growls as I leave an open mouth kiss above his belt.

I smirk at him as I undo his belt, and remove his pants and boxers. Sangyeons huge cock springs out, hard and angry. I pump it twice before sinking my mouth down fast.

Sangyeon hisses a string of curses and reaches to grab my hair out of my face.

“Fuck baby slow down. I still want to fuck you later.” He snarls as I moan onto his cock.

Sangyeon takes my hair and motions my head up and down on his cock. I gag when it reaches the back of my throat, tears starting to form in my eyes.

“That’s it, princess. You take my cock so well. You're doing so well, baby.” He murmurs under his breath, loud enough for me to hear.

Sangyeon grunts loud as I feel his hot cum hit my mouth. I swallow as much as I can, and pull off to meet his eyes.

“God, those eyes. They kill me.” Sangyeon whispers as he reaches over to my face and wipes off some of his cum that got on my lips. I smiled at him, but it was not returned.

“Now I'm in control, baby. Your fun is over.” Sangyeon says quickly before kissing me. He pulls off my lips slowly, lingering there.

“I want you to take your panties off and sit on my face. Let me taste that beautiful cunt of yours.” He says against my lips. I nod my head, feeling my giddiness come back.

Sangyeon repositions himself so that he's lying against his pillows. I stand up and slowly unbuckle the garter that was holding my panties up. I turn around and remove my lace underwear slowly, my ass in Sangyeon’s face.

Before I could even think, I felt his hands on my hips. Sangyeon lifts me up and places me on his face, mouth touching my pussy. Sangyeon presses an open mouth kiss onto my clit, and starts to lick and suck it fast.

“Ah Sangyeon yes!” I moan loud as my hands grip the headboard.

I begin to ride his face, grinding on his lips. Sangyeon slaps my ass hard, gripping my waist and I think I am seeing stars.

“Right there, yes! Fuck I’m gonna cum.” I tilt my head back and moan, speeding up the pace. He proceeds to stretch my pussy out with his fingers, and adds two inside without any warning.

This is too much for me to handle. I scream as I feel myself cum all over Sangyeon’s mouth and two fingers. He removes his fingers and kisses my clit softly. I roll off of him, and try to catch my breath.

“You taste so good always Y/N.” Sangyeon praises and runs his hand through my hair

All of a sudden. Sangyeon picks me up and walks over to the huge glass window that overlooks the city. I felt the cold glass hit my bare back, which caused me to hiss at the contact.

As I tried to turn myself around to admire the view, my back is full on slammed against the glass window. Sangyeon holds my waist and enters my pussy slowly, letting me adjust to his huge size.

“You're so goddamn tight.” I hear him whisper. I wrap my legs around his torso, making it easier for us to both adjust.

I let out a moan to let him know he bottomed out. Sangyeon removes his cock from my pussy and slams back into me fast. I scream as I feel his fingers dig into my hip bones.

His thrusts become so fast quickly and I'm helpless against him. I wrap my arms around his neck and capture his lips in a messy kiss, moaning against his mouth.

“You like that princess? Everyone seeing me fuck your tight pussy against the window? Sangyeon grunts into my ear,

I moan back, too overwhelmed to answer. He slaps my ass and presses me harder into the glass.

“Answer me, brat.” Sangyeon hisses.

“Yes Sangyeon, oh my god!” I answer him with the only words I can think of.

I can tell his orgasm is close as he pulls me to him as close as possible and thrusts into me deeply.

“FUCK!” Sangyeon yells as I feel his cum enter my pussy. He still is fucking me hard, as I feel the familar knot in my stomach.

“Sangyeon!” I scream and grip his neck as I cum.

We both fall onto the bedroom floor. Sangyeon pulls out of me and cradels my shaking body into a hug. Out of breath and overwhelmed, I feel myself start to cry.

“No baby why are you crying? You did so well. So beautiful for me, always.” Sangyeon cooes into my ear while I sob into his chest.

I look up at him. “I didn't mean to cry, that was just so amazing.” I reply softly, making him chuckle.

“Cmon, I’ll run a bath for us.” Sangyeon says as he picks me up bridal style.

We leave his bedroom and walk to the guest bathroom. A huge jacuzzi style bath rests against a glass window. Sangyeon places me gently in the tub and turns the water on. He grabs the soap and shampoo from the cupboard, placing it next to the tub. He gets in as well, and moves me so my back is against his chest. I feel him start to lather shampoo into my hair as I start to doze off.

“I hope you liked your birthday gift. I missed you a lot and wanted to do something out of the box for you.” I say tiredly to Sangyeon as he pours water over my hair.

“You're my gift everyday. I know sometimes my job gets in the way.” Sangyeon sighed. “I wish it was different, trust me. I hope you know I love you so much.” He places a kiss on the crown of my head.

“I love you too Sangyeon.” I reply to him grinning.

Sangyeon helps me stand up so he can wash my body. As I stand up, I start to grimace from the dull aches on my waist and thighs. Sangyeon notices that and frowns as he puts soap on his hands.

“I hope I didn't hurt you that much.” He says while running his hands softly over the bruise forming on my right hip.

“Don’t worry. I like the pain.” I smirk as Sangyeon rolls his eyes and laughs, making me laugh as well.

After another 10 minutes of Sangyeon and I washing each other, we both get out of the bath and change into matching white robes.

“Go wait on the balcony.” I tell Sangyeon and kiss his cheek.

When I hear him close the balcony door, I go to his kitchen to grab the small cake I got for him, as well as wine and wine glasses. I place the cake and glasses on a tray and pour the wine. I grab the candles and matches I stashed in a cupboard and light them on the cake.

When I reach the balcony, Sangyeon opens the door for me, and his face goes shocked.

“Y/N you didn't have to do that for me.” He says.

I place the tray down on the balcony table.

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Sangyeon. Happy birthday to you.” I sang to him grinning.

He pulls me in for a back hug as he blows out his candles. I notice the sun is setting, so I remove myself from his grasp and turn around to watch.

Sangyeon appears next to me and takes my hand.

“What did you wish for?” I ask him looking straight ahead.

“Nothing. I already have everything I need here right now.” Sangyeon turns to me and brings my hand to his lips, kissing it softly. I roll my eyes and stare back at him.

“You're such a cliche.”

“You love it.”

I kiss him with so much passion. Sangyeon grabs my waist softly and kisses back the same, as I wrap my arms around his neck. We part slowly, pecking each other a few times

That night, Sangyeon and I spoon feed each other cake until we are both full. I end up falling asleep on the balcony chair. Sangyeon brings me to his bedroom, and tucks me in.

“I had a great day with you. Goodnight Y/N sweet dreams.” Sangyeon mumbles as he presses a kiss to my temple. He climbs into bed as well and wraps me in his arms.

I dream of cake, black lace, and my dream man, Lee Sangyeon.

i hope you enjoyed! sorry if it was rushed i wanted to get it out asap hehe

make sure to support the boyz on kingdom and vote on whosfan! :D

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