#I also write a lot of impulsive poetry that will probably never see the light of day

[independent-fics]

Genuinely curious because I wanna know how y'all are banging out 50k+ word fics because I aspire to be you. But also I'm just nosy about everyone's writing schedules. Also jobs is up to your own interpretation (whether you have a 9-5 or you're a student, either way you're doing great!)

Please share/reblog I'm so curious about everyone's writing habits!

[raptorwithamarker]

ignore the fact that these are all on paper and i edited the photos to make pencil visible. ummm i haven't made an au per se, but i wanted to draw dragons and one thing led to another. Been not working on this for a while, but figured everyone can add or do something with it lol since im busy. More info of the au under the cut.

Wings of Fire (kind of) au I was thinking of setting this around the time the 1st series is happening and lots of political changes are happening. I'm not sure where to start explaining so Skywings Grian is banished (!) from the skywings for defying the monarchy False is a skywing guard Tango is a skywing and in my heart he should have flamescales but he only gets them on the full moon (even during the day) Cleo is a skywing/seawing hybrid kept in the gladiator arena, and escapes in the Great Prison Escape (work with me here) Nightwings Pearl is a nightwing who was freed from the arena shortly after Grian left Xisuma is heavily scarred (in my notes it says from fights(??)), and escapes the volcano island onto the mainland Evil Xisuma is an albino nightwing who is a merchant in the scorpion den Sandwings Impulse is a sandwing Wels is also a sandwing Mudwings Ren is a mudwing Iskall is a mudwing/rainwing hybrid, and lost an eye in a fight (in my notes Iskall is exiled??) Keralis is probably a mudwing. back me up here pls Scar is a mudwing/rainwing hybrid but was raised in icewing territory. he lived on the outskirts in an outpost close to the border of sandwing territory, and was used as a training dragonet for soldiers out there. Cub eventually helped him escape, and he adopts the name Scar. During his time at the icewing outpost his scales were light greens and browns near white, but his form, tail, horns, and lack of serrated claws gave away his true nature. As he lives alone, he regains color (except for the scars) and becomes more brown with green, almost like oxidized copper accents. season 8 cough cough Icewings Cub is an icewing who is shipped out to the worst outpost after getting sorted there (fandom wiki got me there). he helps Scar escape and shortly after decides nah i don't wanna be here and gtfo's Etho is an icewing who gets taken prisoner after a skirmish on the border between his team and some sandwings goes poorly. he's sold into the gladiator arena where he befriends Cleo, but both lose each other in the escaping chaos. He runs to the rainwings territory, narrowly avoiding skywings, and meets Bdubs. hehe Rainwings Bdubs is a rainwing whos scales are usually moss greens and dark greens like shadows. It's giving glare. He travels to the edges of the territory and is interested in communication between different tribes and cultures. He also builds for the rainwings, and has popularized coffee beans. Joe Hills is a rainwing. Their coat is often many different colors, and writes poetry for other dragons Doc is a rainwing who experiments heavily with minerals from caves, a tinkerer of sorts. He lost his eye, but it doesn't hinder his work. He is reluctant to work with any dragons, but is still somewhat social Silkwings Mumbo Jumbo was blown off course from a raft he built and has lived in the skywing territory in the caves for many years. Despite many attempts, he has never been able to get back to the other continent. He meets Grian, and when Grian is banished he lives with Mumbo for some time. I missed quite a few folks because i don't feel qualified to give them dragon types. And.. that's all I've got so far, for the most part. I do have like some very minor stuff written, like Scar grows up with Icewings Polarfang and Vindictive, mostly because I needed stand ins. Originally the alliances would be season 8, but I think they could move somewhere. Look, I just draw dragon and they look cool. I did not think this out much. I also imagine Etho has to run and not fly because of the wing cuffs we see in the books, but I thought an updated muzzle looked a bit more menacing. I just feel like having a toothless scene were bdubs stumbles across pure carnage and then a sparkling white dragon is a fun setup. You see my vision. Anyway thanks for reading these rambles. TLDR: dragons be here

[heyitsyn]

Manager!Seijoh OIKS ROUTE

a/n: this,,,, is probably the angstiest out of the routes and i seem to only write angst for oikawa and i think its a problem

this is for @what-a-creative-username​ bc oikawa is their favorite seijoh boy so this is for you 🥺

and actually buckle your seatbelts bc this is my longest work and its the biggest mess ever :’) also, this is kinda all over the place soooo

anon:

- May we have an x Oikawa ending to the Manager AU?

- okaayyyy so this is a request for the manager series. please pleASE PLEASEEEEE- make a oikawa ending! 🥺 cuz he’s my favorite and all those times with him in the story feel like more than just friends

OMG IM SORRY BUT MY INNER OIKAWA SIMP THAT I NEVER KNEW WAS EVEN THERE STARTED TO PEAK THROUGH

so basically yea

as seen in a lot of the parts,

oikawa is very,,,, loving towards you

like his entire demeanor was just so different and so,,, authentic,,,, than the ones he shows to other females

maybe it was because you didnt want him in the beginning?

the moment he saw you, he did his first antics and he expected you to turn red and fluster and cutely shy away from him 

yanno the works

yet you gave him a stony stare and denied him

ofc he was hurt and a little offended bc were you rejecting him?

hes never been rejected before and he prides himself for that but you just did and continued to do that

so he made it his mission to make you at least feel something for him

like the period part or his random proclamations of his love for you

he did it all

it didnt matter if it would bite him in the ass later because he was impulsive and he wanted you to show yourself being affected with his charms

because he was the FREAKING OIKAWA TOORU

ong this is like his validation that he is still a ladies man and has a charm that couldnt be resisted by anyone

he constantly told you that he loved you to see a reaction from you and he always was touching you whether it was just the shoulder or your hand

oikawa wanted to see you as his own personal cheerleader and you reacting to his affections would really bring him over the moon

this brings us here in the gym today

‘y/n-chan, do you want to go-’

‘oikawa-san, i dont trust you wanting to go on an innocent outing without any hidden intentions’

the team snickered and he pouted, eyes watering and curling at your side

‘y/n-chan, please? oikawa-san really wants to spend time with you~’

he begged and you finally looked up from the notebook and stared at him

god hes been much more annoying lately but you knew it was his way of letting out his anxiousness and nervousness for the incoming interhigh

so you decided to indulge him just this once and made a deal with him

‘the moment you try anything, even remotely romantic or flirty, i will leave’

you bargained but he gasped

‘what?! then what’s the point of-’

‘so you DO have hidden intentions, oikawa-san?’

you raised your eyebrow causing oikawa to quickly shake his head and detach from you

‘fine. none of that stuff, just hanging out, okay?’

he was still fussy but he accepted it

oikawa had a plan to take you to a cafe that just opened up and take you shopping and basically spoil you because girls like that, right?

they fall for boys who give them everything, right?

nope

so i read a study that surprisingly most girls arent into shopping apparently and they prefer to buy something themselves because apparently they feel indebt and dependent on men if they let them spoil them like that

idk about you but i would let oikawa spoil me tho

his plans were completely crushed when you argued with him for nearly 15 minutes to take half of your tab with the food

‘y/n-chan! i invited you out so i should pay! and boys have to pay!’

he complained, holding the other end of the tab envelope thingy but you pulled it back towards you

‘oikawa-san. you should never listen to societal normalities and instead listen and respect my wishes of paying for my half rather than going by the rules of males paying for females’

im sensing a bit of a bokuto and akaashi typa relationship between you two

oikawa shook his head and slightly stood up to lean over the table, his face approaching yours and you were slightly surprised by the sudden closeness causing you to lean back and be focused on getting away so your grip on the tab loosened

he grinned as he snatched it away from your grasp and quickly placed his card into the slot before running up to the cashier

your mouth was slacked and surprise was still written on your face even when he returned and oikawa held up a peace sign to try and lighten up

but your shock morphed into being upset

‘oikawa-san, listen here. you had-’

but he waved you off with a smile

‘no, you listen here, y/n-chan. oikawa-san loves you therefore he will give you everything in the world and all you have to do is sit there and point at whatever you want because my love will bring it to you~!’

you rolled your eyes

‘please stop being like that, oikawa-san. im not your girlfriend so dont act like my boyfriend’

he lightly scoffed, disguising it with a cough

‘y/n-chan, i dont think you understand. oikawa-san is telling you to be his good little girl and sit down. i dont understand why youre being so stubborn’

he growled softly

wHAT iS hE sAYinG

you shook your head in disbelief and stood up collecting your things making the brunette to also stand up in curiosity

‘y/n-chan? youre leaving already? i wanted to go see other places with you! i wanted to take you shopping!’

you halted and looked up at him through your long eyelashes

‘oikawa-san, i’d rather you save your money and rest your injuries instead’

you reasoned but he raised his hands in front of him to signify his wish for you to stop

‘but i want to be with you, y/n-chan’

he whispered and you blinked

‘i dont want you to spend a single dime for me after this. just you and me, oikawa-san, no money, just us’

he nodded eagerly

‘we can go anywhere you want! just,,, stay with me’

then he found himself in a bookstore with you

it was a quaint hole in the wall bookstore that you both found as you walked down the street and you excitedly dragged him inside, hand still laced together

the rows of shelves that contained different worlds in the pages were your serotonin

he watched you excitedly run to the fiction section and browsed through the different spines for anything special to check out

‘y/n-chan, i’ll go use the bathroom really quickly’

you nodded and oikawa kissed your temple before he left towards the restroom

your eyes flitted across the different titles and you snatched a book of poetry

oikawa hurriedly walked over back to you but he didnt find you at the place you were before

so he continued sifting through the mini hallways of shelves and then he stopped

it was so,,, domestic 

seeing your bright eyes looking down at the book  on your hands and the way your mouth slightly moved with the words

it was such a simple sight yet why did you look so beautiful?

the shimmering eyes that flittered when you came across a sentence you liked 

the soft lips that kinda jutted out making his desire to feel it increase that he would give anything to feel on his own

you were so focused that you didnt notice him moving behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist, only noticing his head resting on your shoulder

‘’come, my darling, it is never too late to begin our love again’’

he mumbled to your ear and you released one hand from the book to grasp his arms that were around your middle

‘you read poetry?’

you whispered and oikawa chuckled

‘of course. a man as romantic as I am ought to be a poet’

he reasoned and you laughed

‘yet you fail to sway me, oikawa-san’

‘no, there is a difference. you dont want my love but i know you want to be loved by me, i can assure you!’

you swiftly placed the book back on its former place and you turned around to swing your arms around his neck

‘hmm,,,, love was never something for me. especially with you boys around’

oikawa looked down to see your shorter height and he caressed your hip

‘i love you, y/n, so let me love you the way you deserve to be’

he whispered not understanding the weight of his words and you looked down to hide the growing blush on your face before burying your face into his sweater-clad chest

‘so not fair oikawa-san’

you mumbled against the fabric but he heard it and he bursted into giggles

‘ehh~~ youre not being the fair one, y/n-chan! youre make it so hard to not fall for you when youre so beautiful~!’

he whines and you rested your chin on him so you could look up at him and your pout made him squeeze you tighter

‘hah?! that doesnt make sense! im nothing but a mess of-!’

you started but was cut off when he kissed your nose and whispered:

‘but what a beautiful mess you are’

okay so i know this is the saddest one out of the routes but ive just been serving fluff so the angst is coming soon!!!!!!

once you both were finished in the bookstore, you suggested going to this hill that allowed you to see the stars clearer

‘hmm, oikawa-san, there’s this place that natsu used to take me to whenever he wanted to see the stars so i think you’d like it’

you mentioned while walking on the sidewalk

oikawa’s hand was clutching yours and you were swinging it back and forth while lightly skipping and kicking the rocks

he watched you, amused, at how child-like you were acting right now but he was also touched, knowing your knowledge of his love for space

‘sure!’

the night sky allowed the stars to light up and you both shared giggles and laughs as the two of you stumbled over your feet with no light except from above

however once you made it to the top of the hill, oikawa pulled you close to him as you huddled on a seated position

‘how’d you know i would like this, y/n-chan?’

he asked and you gave him an obvious look

‘hah? its so obvious! you keep drawing the cancer constellation on your skin and you had an astrology book in your bag that you were also reading in the bus’

your answer brought warmth inside him and he never thought you were so perceptive of him

you noticed every little thing he does and hes,,,, never had someone do that before

except for iwa and his family and team, no one knows of his little ticks and the way he becomes obsessive of a topic once he gets interested in it

you noticed it all

‘that right there, its the big dipper!’

you pointed and he followed the direction of your finger before nodding

‘yep! waaahhh its much prettier seeing it higher up than my roof!’

he exclaimed and your gaze left the constellation towards the boy beside you

‘really,, pretty’

you absentmindedly muttered yet he was sharp and heard you

‘but its different to look at something much more beautiful’

this caused you to quickly go back to looking at the stars so you missed his love-filled eyes

‘i want to name my children by constellations. so that they can keep the oikawa legacy going forever like constellations being at the sky for all eternity. or naming it after the sky! then i can make sure theyre never going away’

he said and you nodded

you kept pointing out different shapes and laughing at his funky claims of what some stars connected to and created

‘oikawa-san, lets go to the star festival later’

you offered and he in turn looked away from you, turning red at the way the small lights illuminated your face and somehow making it more,,,, angelic

so he covered it up with his own teasing 

‘oh? the meeting of the two lovers?’

you dont know why but your cheeks burned at the mention of the ‘L’ word and oikawa noticed, quickly poking fun of your cheeks

‘oh, y/n-chan, dont be so shy!’

you pouted and turned away

‘never mind’

oikawa’s laugh rang throughout the space and he pulled you closer, practically sitting on his lap, while pointing out the stars and him pressing kisses to your cheeks

the intertwining of your fingers combined with the kisses made you feel as if you were floating with how free you felt

and you loved every moment of it

after that outing with your captain, you were conflicted

it wasnt the first time he’s openly said he loved you and his shower of affections have been there since the very beginning

yet how come you were just now feeling,,,,, different??

you were sure you felt an odd feeling inside you when he said your name with no usual suffix and it wasnt just the food that didnt agree with you

whenever his lips came in contact with your skin, it left blazing trails of red that spread out as far as it could

the heartbeat that quickened once he kissed your forehead at your doorstep and the grin you last saw when you closed the door

or the unknown smile that you didnt know you had on until natsu, who was visiting, pointed it out

‘darling, why are you just standing there? and why are you smiling like that? its weird, stop it’

you didnt even have the attitude to scold him and you giggled before twirling and holding his hand

‘oh, natsu~ i want to dance! and sing!’

you shouted, taking him with you and dancing around the living room

tbh natsu was very worried but he remembered you mentioning that you were meeting some guy today and it might be the reason as to why you were acting like this

he was happy

you deserved to be loved as you are and you were finally getting that love

but,,,,,,,,,

it didnt last long

albeit having a lot of fun, oikawa seemed,,,, off to you

it was,,, awkward

maybe it was because you were now aware of some type of growing attraction inside of you or every little thing he does to you could send you into shapeshifting and channeling your inner tomato

forget potato, youre now a tomato

but even his touches and affections were now limited

restricted

like the the next time you both saw each other, you shyly but happily bounded up to him and greeted him good morning

but his eyes widened, taking a step back before laughing awkwardly

‘ah ha ha, hey y/n-chan’

oikawa greeted then side-stepped to enter the gym

god you felt like you were slapped in the face

you remained frozen, staring at the spot he previously occupied and your mind was running quickly

was it because your senses were now heightened that everything made you extra sensitive?

usually, oikawa would squeal at the fact you were even greeting him this morning but he literally just walked away from you

no, you were just,,,,

overreacting

right?

yea, just,,,

overreacting

iwa noticed your downcast expression and he had a feeling it had something to do with oikawa’s off expression

you hurriedly placed your bag down and took out your notebook to start taking notes for their practice

big boy ace went up to you and placed a hand on your arm which caused you to flinch

he immediately backed off, letting go and stepping back

‘wh-hey? y/n? you okay? did something happen?’

he worriedly asked but you shook your head, not even bothering to meet his eyes

‘uh-yea. mhm, perfectly fine’

you lied and he wanted to press further but mattsun and makki called you over to check out their blocks so you ran to them

but he had a feeling you were just taking every opportunity to not answer his questions

while you were pre-occupied with the meme team, iwa marched up to oiks and tugged him around to fully talk to him

oikawa watched your interaction and he knew iwa would immediately start questioning him too

‘oi, what the hell did you do’

there was an underlying tone in his best friend’s voice that he didnt particularly like

oikawa did what he does best and plastered a smile on his face

‘hm? what do you mean, iwa-chan?’

‘what the hell do you mean what do i mean? you speak japanese dont you? so tell me what the hell happened during your date because it seems like shit happened and now youre both acting weird’

oikawa flinched at the blunt words but it was the truth

he was acting weird and this caused you to probably act weird too

god hes so dumb

but he,,, was going through stuff right now

it was a situation that he didnt want to involve you in 

and,,, seeing you dancing with natsu with the biggest smile on your face through the window of your house

okay guys dont think this is weird or stalker-ish bc i actually saw this in a kdrama ages ago and i thought it was just so sweet and cute and dont take it the weird and stalker creepy way :(

it certainly brought him pain

this was what he wanted though, right?

he wanted to see a reaction from you with his antics and he wanted to see you flustered and giggling like one of his lovestruck girls

but dear god that was when he became aware of your growing feelings

oikawa even saw it before you did with the way you gave him those longing stares and small smiles and the small squeezes of his hand when he would laugh

initially, he wouldve teased you for it but then he kept quiet

this entire time he knew you, he felt,,, love,,, for you

and by god, he was so scared

he wanted to run away

because he was well aware of his personality and him as a person 

he could make you smile the biggest and the happiest but he was also the type to make you feel the most pain and cause the deepest wounds on your already fragile heart

he didnt want that responsibility and burden

it was too risky

oikawa knew he was a ticking time bomb and he was afraid if you got even just a centimeter closer

you would be the one hit with the blast the most

maybe it was that sight that made him want to distance himself

it was a sight that made him realize that you deserved someone much better and that someone couldn’t be him

the happiness that danced in your eyes and the smile that decorate your beautiful face

can you imagine the irony?

the moment you notice of your growing feelings, the moment he decides to withdraw and pull away

.......

practice was,,, suffocating? 

the team knew of the tension these past few days and you both def were not the same

oikawa has not said he loved you or even pestered you once and as much as the guys hated seeing it, they were getting worried

did you both fight?

what happened?

when oikawa was talking with the coach and you were grabbing something from the storage room, they immediately took this chance to pounce on iwaizumi since he was the closest to the both of you

‘oi, iwaizumi, the hell happened?’

makki asked and the others nodded, wondering the same thing

but they were surprised when he shrugged

‘dont know. stupidkawa refuses to talk and i dont want to bother y/n bc she seems,,, weird about it’

if iwaizumi didnt know, then something serious did happen

you and oikawa continued this weird eggshell walking and you even gave up after trying to ask so many times on what was wrong and only to be answered with,

‘nothing~! y/n-chan should never have to worry her pretty little head about old me~!’

that answer didnt bother you

it was his smile

the genuine smile that you were so happy to receive as it was only for you

now seems gone and replaced with his fake one as if you now became one of his fangirls

what took the cake was his appearance to practice with a girl in his arm

they were both laughing and seemed trapped in their own little bubble to even notice the team’s wide eyes and concerned looks to you

you didnt even notice your teary eyes until mattsun quite literally picked you up and shouted he wanted to help you fill up the water bottles

he placed you outside, sitting on a bench by the gym

you were biting your lip and staring at the ground while he was leaning back and looking at the sky

‘the sky is very pretty today’

he complimented but it wasnt heard by you

you only came back to reality when he nudged you gently and you shot him a crooked smile but he sighed at the look of hurt written all over your face

‘oh, y/n, i am getting increasingly worried for our generation. theres so many sad eyes on happy faces’

he tutted and returned to gazing back up to the clouds

you scrunched your nose and scoffed

‘i dont understand you, mattsun-san’

you mumbled and fiddled with your fingers

mattsukawa issei shook his head and pointed above

‘y/n-chan, our eyes enables us to identify beauty and we have the urge to immediately capture it to remember that we did find something beautiful. yet, we feel hopeless as we cant to put the beauty on paper because we are only given one crayon to draw the sunset’

it felt all muddled

there was no sense in his words and you were sniffed, trying to understand

‘mattsun-san, did you eat any more of those candy makki-san bought from that one guy?’

he bursted into laughter and you couldnt help but quirk your lip at the sound of his joy

‘who knows? taka is my boy and i trust him so if he gave it to me, then,,,, it cant be that bad, right?’

you blanched

‘mattsun-san! im not about to go pick you up from the er again just because makki-san dared you to do something!’

mattsun finally wandered his eyes over to you and he tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear

‘thats the thing with you, y/n-chan. youre quick to love others but you lose pieces of yourself in the process. i have no right to tell you who deserves it but please ask yourself, is that sacrifice worth it?’

you knew he wasnt talking about your love for the team

but for the love for a certain setter that didnt go unnoticed by the middle blocker

leave it to mattsun to make you laugh and you were letting out your last giggles as you stepped into the gym

oikawa stopped talking and focused on the two of you, 

more specifically,

you

he watched as you laughed and swatted mattsun’s elbow as he jokingly made fun of your height by resting his arm on top of your head

yes this was what it was supposed to be

you deserved someone who could make you smile and only smile

he doesnt even hesitate but even imagine the tears that would fill those beautiful eyes and he knows it would all be his fault

no

he will stop that from happening way before it would occur

he will do anything to make sure you will never cry because of him so he will distance himself and now, he gives up

it could just be his stress and insecurities talking but he knows right now,

he wants you away from him

oikawa tooru, the boy who could get anyone he wants, couldn’t get the girl he wishes for the most

dear god was it laughable

after practice was finished,

you quietly and quickly packed up the nets and picked up the balls to get yourself out of there

these past few days made you feel so much confusion that it hurts

if there was anything worse than him not talking to you,

it was not knowing why 

that curiosity and desperate need for answers creates wild and self-destructive theories 

did you chew too loudly when you ate?

were you boring and not as fun as the others?

was he angry and humiliated of his pride as a man when you scolded him for paying for you?

has he gotten tired of you now that he knows who you really are?

that last question suddenly created a new set of tears to appear

throughout the day, you were so composed and distracted yourself with the lectures of your teachers and not anything of why this certain brunette was avoiding you

but a single insecure question made that wall crumble and you hurriedly shoved the trolley of balls into the storage room and grabbed your bag before rushing out of there

you sniffled and hurriedly walked home so you could go and cry on your bed in peace

but ofc 

hiroshi natsu exists so ofc he distracted you when you entered the house with a red puffy face

quietly, he led you to the couch and he wordlessly grabbed a tissue box from the coffee table to dab away the tears

you sniffled and clenched your fists to will yourself to stop these dumb salty water drops

‘i cant tell you its going to be okay because i dont want you to cling on to false hope. but i know it hurts. its worse that of all people, oikawa tooru had to be your first ever crush’

he chuckled

you took a shaky breath and wiped your face

‘this was why i shouldnt have liked him. god! all we did was eat dinner and look at the stupid fcking sky! thats it! so why-! why do i suddenly like him?! AM I THAT DESPERATE?!’

you wailed and blew your nose while natsu patted your back

‘i mean,,, to others it sounds like youre easy to sway’

you looked up from the tissue to glare at him but he continued

‘but to me,,,, it sounds like it was just the last push you needed to finally see oikawa tooru in that way’

you nodded, laughing weakly

‘i dont know why im acting like a lunatic like this. hes just a crush anyway so it’ll probably fade in a day or two so bear with me until then, kay?’

but his grim shake of his head gave you no hope

‘rather than fade, it will grow. and i might have to bear with this for the rest of our lives. now you be a bad bitch and sit there and look fine as hell while i go order 10 boxes of pizza and load up teen moms’

the impromptu movie night distracted you a little bit from it all but you still couldn’t help but think about it

GOD WHY WAS NATSU SO DRAMATIC?!

BECAUSE OF THAT IDIOT YOU ARE NOW SITTING IN CLASS, BAGS UNDER YOUR EYES, AND BREAKING YOUR PENCILS IN HALF

all you have to do is make sure you think of oikawa doing something disgusting to make that attraction fade away

oikawa licking his toes

oikawa licking his toes

oikawa licking his toes

oikawa licking his-

‘y/n?’

you snapped out of your daydream when kunimi reached out to you

kindaichi, who came over for lunch, and him were staring at you in concern and they shared a look

‘y/n, something must’ve happened that day with captain’

kunimi started but kindaichi snapped

‘see?! this is why we shouldve never let you go! the first time you go with him and now youre a mess! tell us! did he force himself on you?! did he-?!’

you stopped the onion top boy with a forced smile and a squeeze on the arm

‘o-oikawa-san would never do that, kindaichi. hes better than that’

‘but clearly not because look at you!’

he shouted and you flinched 

kunimi hurriedly knocked him to the floor

‘get ahold of yourself, kindaichi’

he mumbled and you stood up and walked to the bathroom at the west wing that nobody uses so you could freely cry without any suspicion

was it obvious?

was it clear that you have been a mess after a week of being ignored by oikawa?

nah, youre just being a dramatic little shit

youre sticking to your word of quickly forgetting about the whole ordeal

but you definitely cant if your nightmare was happening before your eyes

as you approached the bathroom from the end of the hallway, 

you saw an unknown girl but an all too familiar boy giggling and rushing to get inside the bathroom

and for good measure, oikawa looked around to make sure no one was there but then he saw you

despite the distance between you, he could see your glistening eyes from the sunlight that seeped in from the big windows

he saw the way your hand trembled and your eyes twitched when haruna poked her head out to see why he was still outside

‘oikawa-senpai~~’

she drawled out and reached a manicured nail to his wrist 

your eyes followed her touch and then you and the boy shared eye contact

through the watery eyes, he could clearly make out your silent plead

please dont go to her

please

stay with me

dont go

but he went in anyways

------

that was the moment you forced yourself to not think about him anymore

as if you werent even working your hardest lately, you will work your hardest now

everything between you and him was now strictly professional as practice that day signified the very first day of your moving on stage

you couldnt believe these past 2 weeks has been a real nightmare yet you were slowly waking up from it

there was nothing you could do about it bc oikawa obviously didnt mean anything he said to you and maybe thats what ticked you off the most

you were easily led on

he blindly tugged you along the moment you saw his smile

he definitely thought of you as just as a game and when he finally got tired and bored, he dropped you and went to another

kunimi and kindaichi noticed the coldness of your eyes and the stoic expression on your face and they were genuinely terrified of you so they didnt want to ask any questions

even with packing up, you aggeressively shoved everything in your bag and the blep boy finally gained the courage and nervously tapped his finger on your desk to gain your attention

you swiftly dropped in your pencil case and looked at him

‘what’

he flinched at the cold tone and his eyes showed concern

‘uh-i-are you okay?’

he slowly asked and you visibly clenched your jaw but you nodded anyways

‘never better’

you didnt bother waiting for him to finish packing up and even passed kindaichi by the door as you were walking towards the girl’s locker room to change into your manager outfit

your entrance to the gym made the noise die down and you noticed the third years with glares on and aggressively practicing

‘whats wrong with all of you’

you asked and iwa scoffed before shaking his head and opening his arm

‘cmere. i missed you’

he said and ngl you were a little confused bc this wasnt something iwa usually did but you still stuck to his side

‘why-’

‘he told me what happened’

iwa whispered and you stiffened in his arms

‘w-what?’

iwaizumi flung the boy to his own bedroom wall

he huffed, panting at both the weight of oikawa tooru and the intense anger that burned through his veins

‘you-you are a piece of shit!’

he shouted and he moved to grab oikawa’s collar and lifted him so the brunette could see the fire and disgust present in his olive eyes

‘you think i didnt see what the hell you did? fcking leaving y/n sobbing as you-you-! AGH!’

iwaizumi couldnt even finish his sentence as he was so angry that he harshly sent oikawa flying back down to his floor

oikawa was crying

not from the beating

but from his regrets

god he knew he messed up

he shouldnt have done it

but he did

iwa ran his hands through his hair and angrily sat on his best friend’s bed, eyes shooting daggers at oikawa

‘right now. tell me the truth right fcking now or so help me god’

he hissed 

oikawa tooru shuffled closer to the wall and brought his knees up to his chest

‘im so scared’

he sobbed

‘im so scared, iwa-chan’

his tears were pouring down and he brought a hand to muffle his cries

‘i-i just w-wanted to-to see something out of her. li-like a reaction! because she wasnt like th-the others! but instead i fell in love! me! and she did too!’

he pointed and quickly stood up, pacing and gripping his hair

‘it was all just for fun! she-she knows im like that! yet she still fell in love with me!’

‘how could you tell she-’

‘BECAUSE OF HER EYES!’

even iwa flinched

‘HER EYES SHOWED ME LOVE! HAPPINESS! AN-AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID?! WHEN SHE GOT HOME?! THROUGH HER WINDOW, I SAW HER DANCING! SO HAPPY SHE WAS DRAGGING THAT BASTARD COUSIN OF HERS AROUND! I DID THAT! I CAUSED THAT!’

there was so much confusion in this poor spiky haired boy bc he knew oikawa was in love with their manager so why is he avoiding her now even though she reciprocates those feelings?

‘im missing something here, oikawa. youre telling me, she loves you, but youre here regretting that?’

his tone of disbelief made oikawa shut his eyes in frustration

‘DONT YOU UNDERSTAND?! YOU CALL ME A PIECE OF SHIT EVERYDAY AND I KNOW THAT! I FCKING KNOW THAT IM A PIECE OF SHIT AND A FCKING BASTARD!’

he shrieked

thankfully, his family wasnt home currently to see him breakdown

‘SO WHY THE HELL DO I DESERVE A LITERAL ANGEL?! A GODDESS?! A BEAUTIFUL PERSON FOR ME?! A FCKED UP NARCISSIST EGOTISTICAL IDIOT?! AN IDIOT WHO’S TOO PRIDEFUL TO GET THE HELP HE NEEDS?! I COULD HURT HER! I COULD DESTROY HER IN A SINGLE SNAP! THE SCARIEST FACT IS I COULD DO IT WITHOUT THINKING! I COULD SAY THE WORST THINGS TO HER AND IM SO SCARED THAT I WILL HURT HER! I DONT DESERVE HER, IWA! SHE DESERVES SOME-SOMEONE LIKE YOU! AND IT HURTS TO THINK THAT BUT I DONT CARE! A-AND WHAT IF WE GET TOGETHER?! HM?! HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WOULD TAKE HER TILL SHE FINDS SOMEONE BETTER?! HOW MUCH CAN SHE TAKE OF GOING THROUGH EPISODES OF SOME DEPRESSED, INSECURE, PRIDEFUL ASHOLE LIKE ME?! HOW LONG DO YOU THINK SHE WOULD REALIZE HER SELF-WORTH AND KNOW HOW MUCH OF A SHITTY PERSON I AM?! I CANT-!’

iwaizumi pushed himself up from the bed and rushed to grab his best friend before forcing the brown haired boy to his chest

oikawa tooru was having a panic attack

he heaved and wheezed and loudly let out his cries and iwa made them sit on the floor where he could comfortably cry

‘youre such an idiot, tooru. but she knows that, doesn’t she? she knows who you are, what you are, how you are, your flaws, everything- she knows all that. yet she still fell for you, doesnt that tell you something? for once in your life, consider other people’s feelings before yours. y/n is one hell of a girl and i wont allow you to let her slip past you just like that. i know- we all know- how much of a broken person you are, oikawa, and it hurts us all to know that no matter what we do, we can never fix you. but y/n-gosh, y/n is the only person to even have a chance to do that. and you admitted that youre depressed and you have a problem? well,, get some help for that, oikawa. the first step to be better is by accepting the only person who can accept you for you’

iwaizumi didnt reveal to the other third years of what happened but just said that oikawa did a really terrible thing to you and hes currently repenting for it

however mattsun and makki pretended they didnt hear oikawa regretting it and focused on the fact that the captain even had the NERVE to hurt you

iwa squeezed you tightly and you returned the hug

but he whispered something in your ear

‘everyone makes mistakes, y/n. the only thing we can do is to repent for them’

you pulled away, about to ask him what hes talking about but one look from his eyes made you realize what he was talking about

he mustve known what happened but hes defending him

you clenched your jaw and looked away

‘i destroyed myself for a stupid reason and its one of my regrets. im not going to make the same mistake twice’

you quietly hissed and moved to your station by the bench to begin taking your notes

you noticed that oikawa was late for practice today and although you kinda hate him, you are still a manager first and he was one of your responsibilities

you were about to go to the coach and tell him you’d look for the setter when the gym door slid and in came the devil himself

but there was a large bruise on his cheek and a cut on his lip

your feet moved quicker than the rest of you that you were in front of him in a second

‘what happened to you’

you worriedly asked and oikawa just stared at you

his eyes shook and watered at the sight of you

this was the first time you talked to him without any coldness in your tone and he missed it

he missed hearing you

his silence made you roll your eyes and you roughly grabbed his arm before throwing him on the bench you were sitting on

the team watched, on edge of whats happening, but was put back to practice when you gave them a side-eye

your fingers opened the ointment and your kit to treat the bleeding lip and the swollen side of his face

‘youre the captain. its not wise to fight before practice and be late. youre hindering everyone else’

you coldly scolded and oikawa shrank back

‘it was iwa-chan’

he mumbled and you stopped and quirked an eyebrow

‘what? why did he-’

then you froze

iwa knew

and he beat oikawa up for it

he fought his best friend for it

and iwa didnt look fazed at all

despite being a muscle freak, iwa was very soft and his iron defiency made him prone to bruising

yet why was he so clean

it was like iwa hit oikawa but in turn, the other didnt fight back

no

you must stop

youre overthinking again and youre over analyzing it and youll end up at the place you were before

however

oikawa noticed the dawn of realization on your face and he shakily reached out to touch your hand

‘i,,, didnt. because i deserved it. i-’

he sniffed and you knew he would start crying right now

the last thing he wanted would be to cry in front of the others so you immediately stood up and went to the coach

‘coach, oikawa-san needs treatment that i dont currently have with me. i would need to take him to the infirmary’

he nodded and waved you off so you had the clear

oikawa flinched when you harshly grabbed his arm and pulled him up so he could follow you out the door

it was such an awkward silence between you both but you bit your lip, focusing on the fact that you were just doing this bc he was your obligation

it was like you threw him to one of the cots then you rummaged through the medicine cabinet for an extra cotton ball and a better ointment

‘i fcked up, y/n’

your movements halted and your eyes drifted down, looking at the tiled floor

‘i messed up so bad’

he hoarsely said and you could tell how much pain he was going through by the way he let out a shaky breath

‘oika-’

you made a move to turn around but he stopped you

‘no! dont look at me! just-just dont,,, i cant-i wont be able to say it if i look at you’

he cried and you nodded

oikawa leaned his forehead on his intertwined hands with his eyes on the floor before starting

‘i want to say im sorry. because everything, all of this, it all started as a game to me’

you closed your eyes tightly, tears welling up in your eyes

‘you,,, you didnt bat a single eyelash at me. you didnt try to please me, you didnt chase after me, no, you didnt see me like that. it made me,,, i dont know,,, confused,,, that girls like you even existed. it,,, not gonna lie, ticked me off and i was offended that you brushed me away so easily like i was some,, some bug on your shoulder. so,,, i wanted to see,,, and try,,, if i could make you,,, like me. and i know! i know its messed up but god y/n i swear i didnt want to hurt you. i just,,, i wanted to see if i could ever make you look at me like the way they did but it backfired. i wanted you to chase me but in the end, i ended up chasing after you. i chased and i ran without knowing that you were slowing down for me so i could catch you. that,,, that date made me realize of how,,, how perfect and beautiful you are a-and how unworthy i am to even receive anything from you. i saw how happy you were after that, dancing, twirling that poor idiot around. at first,, it made me so so proud. and so happy that i made you do that. i put those stars from the sky into your eyes and somehow you made them shine much brighter. then,,,, i got scared. i started thinking about,,, about me. and how i am. ive been trying so hard to please other people that ive lost sight of the real me and how terrible i am. and y-you! i just- y/n its so hard for me to explain all this right now- my current mental state, the pain on my face- i cant,,, but at that moment i realized that you,,, you were better off without me. youre so kind, so beautiful, so smart, you could go do so many good things in life. and im just going to hold you back. i didnt want to hurt you so i,,, chose to just cut the string now and,, we wont get hurt later. but,,, i regret it. i regret it so much, y/n. all my life,,, everyone cooed and awed at this child just because of how he looked like and,,, he got used to it. everyone wanted me because i am oikawa tooru but they didnt want the entire oikawa tooru. iwa,,, iwa hit it into my head that,,, you,, were the only one who bothered to even see that side of me’

when he finished, he looked up but gasped at the sight of you standing in front of him

fat tears were rolling down your face and you wore the angriest expression

‘i-,,,i hate you so much, oikawa tooru’

you seethed

your eyebrows were scrunched up together and your nostrils flared as you cried harder and you let out a cry

‘i hate you, i hate you, i hate you’

you chanted and oikawa saw his vision cracking

his world was now falling apart

he did the last thing he would ever do and you were now at your most pained moment

‘youre so selfish, impulsive, and terrible’

you whined and punched his shoulder at each word

‘but i love you so much. i hate you because you made me cry and made me feel so hurt but i still love you. why-why cant you stop playing your games, tooru? stop playing with me now! stop it! stop-!’

you didnt get to say anything else because he grabbed your waist and held you in his arms

it was like you didnt even weigh a thing by the way he lifted you to sit on his lap and he gently led your face to his neck

‘im so sorry’

he repeated constantly while brushing your hair and rubbing your waist

you and oikawa tooru spent an hour sitting on that bed just crying 

after a while, you stopped and resulted to just hiccuping

‘youre selfish, tooru. you listened to yourself and did whatever you wanted rather than talking to me. i hate you but i,,, i love you, oikawa-san. i shouldnt say that but if i dont, im afraid you’ll go ahead and do something stupid again’

he chuckled but he squeezed you tighter

‘i dont,,, want to let you go, y/n-chan. let me be selfish a little longer and love you all to myself’

and by god did he become selfish

it took you a while to get over your defensive and guarded actions from him but you were slowly finding yourself forgiving him

YO IM SORRY BUT I WOULDVE DROPPED HIM LIKE PLEASE WHAT THE HECK Y/N REALLY REALLY LOVES THIS GUY

natsu absolutely despises him still and whenever oikawa even comes over, hes always glaring at him and oikawa would shift uncomfortably but accept it bc he deserved it

‘i didnt realize how badly i hurt you, y/n. i could never imagine you accepting me still. ill spend the rest of my life making it up to you’

he promised and you laughed

you were both lounging on your bedroom floor, mean girls playing in the background, while just staring at the ceiling

you brought your clasped hands up so you could look at it

then a goofy smile settled on your face and you turned to look at him

‘just continue loving me, oikawa-san. thats all i ask for’

then graduation came

of course the boys were all teary but oikawa seemed even more sad and he refused to look at you the whole day

you figured it could just be him being mopey over not seeing you everyday like he was able to before

then you both were walking home and he still hasnt looked at you

the silence was killing you but you just kept a tight grip on his hand and he would smile at you and kiss your hands

it still didnt wash away the odd feeling in your stomach but you would talk to him later after you gave him present

for the weekend, you were able to convince your parents to go on a beach trip at okinawa while you made natsu go over to tokyo and stay with katsuki

oikawa didnt know your family was out so he stood by your door, waiting for you to enter

you both stood there, staring at the floor, not knowing what to say

until you softly grabbed his hand

‘come in. i want,,, to talk’

you mumbled and oikawa’s eyes widened, silently panicking that you possibly found out

it was a secret not even iwaizumi knew so you couldnt have known

right?

you led him up to your room and pushed him down to sit on your bed

FLKDSJFLKDJ WHY AM I DOING THIS WHAT IS HAPPENING SOSOSOSOSOSOSOS

ALSO Y/N IS NOW 17 ON THIS YOU GUYS LIKE BLS SHES ONE OF THE OLDEST IN HER CLASS BC HER BIRTHDAY SITUATION SO SHES BEYOND THE AGE OF CONSENT IN JAPAN, RIGHT?

oikawa was confused and he watched you bite your lip and look off to the side

‘y/n-chan? why are you nervous? you said you wanted to talk?’

he asked

but you unzipped your skirt and let it drop on the floor

‘for graduating,,, and working hard for these years,,, im giving you this’

you finally met his eyes

then he knew

oikawa blanched and he quickly stood up and placed his hands on your shoulder

‘y-y/n! uh-i-are you sure? a-arent you-’

‘accept it, tooru. youre,,, my first love,,, so,,,, ill give you my other first’

KSDLFJSDKFJSDLK OKAY YALL LETS STOP THERE FOR NOW AND GO TO THE TIMESKIP OKAY?

OKAY

-----

oikawa was running in the airport

despite the shouts of civilians he accidentally pushed, he made no sign of stopping and if anything, ran faster till he reached outside

the rush of his sudden trip home was clear as he was only carrying a duffel bag full of clothing he hurriedly stuffed inside 

when he met the orange ninja boy in brazil, he quickly caught up with his underclassman and got drinks to talk about japan the last 2 years of his career

they both got simple beers and some appetizer to share as they reminisced the past

hinata was excitedly talking about the reconciliation of kindaichi and kageyama and how they were still enemies on court but were now friends

‘eh~? tobio-chan making up with kin-chan? what’s next? flying sushi?’

he joked and hinata laughed

‘it was partly of your manager, oikawa-san! she helped them make up!’

the previous smile on oikawa’s face slipped at the mention of you 

‘hmm,,,, she always made the impossible happen’

he mumbled and hinata nodded

‘l/n-chan became close to kageyama through kindaichi and kunimi and she would bring us food and stuff too! but only on times she wasn’t busy’

the ninja said and dipped his chip into the salsa while oikawa stared at the liquid

‘you guys must be special for her to go all the way to karasuno’

then hinata said something that caused the brunette’s ears to fall deaf to the loudness of the bar

‘it wasn’t a problem since coach ukai took care of her son’

oikawa didnt even give hinata another word when he rushed out of that bar after overcoming his shock and straight into his apartment

there were tears that blurred his vision as he shoved in shirts and pants and other necessities for a trip to japan

he argued with the front desk lady to give him a ticket to the earliest flight to japan despite her saying that it was hard to give him a seat when the plane was full

but luck seemed to pity this baby daddy as someone pulled their ticket out and he was able to take it for himself

it was the longest journey of his life and his hour long layover gave him an opportunity to call the only person he thought would even know where you were

iwaizumi

oikawa paced at the waiting lobby with his phone pressed to his ear as he listened to the ringing of his call

he bit his lip in anticipation and ran his fingers through his hair for the upteenth time until finally it was picked up

‘damn you, shittykawa, do you understand what time-’

‘iwaizumi, is y/n still in japan?’

of course his best friend was startled with the question as the setter hasnt asked him any question related to you in a few years

‘wha-how the hell am i supposed to know that? im in california, oikawa’

‘dont lie to me. she still talks to you since youre probably the godfather of my son’

he hissed and iwaizumi was now fully awake and his heartbeat was beating quite quickly 

how did he figure out

‘oi, oikawa, listen to me she-’

‘please! dont!’

he shouted and didnt care if he startled anyone else around him

‘dont lie to me! of all people! you dont lie to me!’

‘why should i tell you when you were the one who up and ran? huh?’

oikawa fell silent and iwaizumi could hear his sobs through the phone

iwa sat up on his bed, leaning against the wall as he contemplated revealing this secret you begged him to keep since his best friend sounded like he was on the verge of breaking apart

poor oikawa tooru already suffered so much

‘i swear youre going to make me regret this. but y/n is in,,,, tokyo and,,,,, she,,,,,, didnt want you to know about,,,, about everything. well-she did want to tell you but she had her own reasons not to and,,, and its perfectly valid for her to choose whatever she wanted. and yes, i knew and yes, i am his godfather but please, oikawa, whatever you do, dont go to japan, you understand? shes still hurt by it, idiot, and shes angry and you sound angry and-’

but of course,

oikawa didnt listen and he hung up but continued his pacing but this time, tears blurring his vision

the taxi driver noticed his frazzled expression and quickly stopped in front of him

oikawa gratefully hopped in and quickly told the driver the address he forced out of iwaizumi (with great reluctance)

‘this is the last time, understand me, tooru? youve already hurt her so many times and i cant bear to see it all over again so you need to fix it. but you mess this up again, not only will you lose her, you’ll lose me too’

the old man felt sorry for the young lad and stepped on the pedal to get him to his destination in the quickest time 

the apartment building was several stories tall yet the elevator ride felt like a snap when he finally arrived at the floor your apartment was supposedly on

what the real kicker was when he stood outside your door and he hesitated

would you let him in?

would you even want to see him?

would you punch him?

would you cry?

he was so worried but didnt realize that he already pushed the doorbell and a faint shout from inside made his heart jump

‘UNCLE KYOOoooo,,,,,’

the door opened and the boy’s voice went quiet, knowing this wasnt the man he was expecting and he quickly and harshly slammed the door shut to his face

oikawa was stunned

was this the right apartment?

did iwaizumi trick him?

but those thoughts were wiped away when the door opened again and a girl was softly chiding the boy before turning around with a smile to greet the person but then it fell

similar to her son, she slammed the door shut and oikawa panicked

‘y-y/n? h-hey!’

he exclaimed and with a clenched fist, he stood there

you were hyperventilating inside

how did he find you?

why is he here?

does he know?

‘mama? who’s that oji?’

the bright eyes of yozora looked up at you and you blinked, briefly seeing the man behind the door at the face of your son

you sucked in a deep breath before smiling lightly

‘yoyo-kun, can you go play with dino-kun while mama and oji talk?’

yozora blinked back up at you before shrugging and nodding and running off to your shared room

once he was gone, you quickly composed yourself and opened the door again, shocked to see oikawa already half-way down the hallway to the elevator

‘would you like some tea before you go?’

you called out and he stopped, almost giving himself whiplash at how fast he turned his head

it was like his instincts took over when your voice started speaking to him

as if he was 18 again, oikawa found himself trailing after your voice and you nervously led him inside

his eyes were moving really fast as if he wanted to quickly soak it all in before it would disappear

this was where you lived

with your son

who was his son too

there was a picture by the door of you and the little boy from earlier

it was at the planetarium nearby and tooru’s heart bloomed at the sparkle in that child’s eyes

jesus, he was beautiful

‘yozora. thats his name’

you said, noticing him staring at the picture

KDFLJSDKFSD PRINCE NOCTIS LUCIS CAELUM BABIESSS!!!

‘night sky’

oikawa whispered

the teapot was still hot and you were able to pour him a cup so you both sat on the dining table where he sat across from you

‘n-nice place’

he stuttered out

you nodded, tracing the rim of your own cup

‘its natsu’s and katsuki’s actually. my parents kicked me out so they offered to let me stay with them’

you reasoned, not meaning to sound cold but it came out as if you were being passive agressive

‘o-oh? ho-how is he-’

‘oikawa-san, what are you doing here?’

he visibly flinched

calling him by his last name stung since you called him ‘tooru’ the whole relationship so returning to his surname is your way of cutting off the whole thing

‘i,,, i found out. a few days ago. from shoyo. he told me their coach looked after yozora and,,, i knew he is,,, mine’

you let out a humorless chuckle

a scoff

then you looked up to meet his gaze, oikawa gulping at the hardness in your eyes

‘what makes you think so? what makes you think that i wasnt angry and spiteful enough to give myself to someone else so they could have what the great oikawa tooru had? what makes you think that i would remain loyal to you despite you just running off to the other side of the fcking world without a word? hm? oikawa-san? what.makes.you.think.so?’

out of guilt, he broke the stare to his own steaming cup of green tea

‘nothing’

you whispered

he shakingly sighed and you could tell he was about to cry

but you rolled your eyes and crossed your arms

‘go ahead and cry, oikawa-san. im used to temper tantrums. i have a son for god’s sake’

‘you would never do that to me, y/n. you promised that you would always love me and only me and i know you take promises to your grave’

he reasoned but it sounded like it was him convincing himself

the dry laugh you let out made him fidget

‘and you promised that you would always talk to me and communicate. yours is a much lighter and easier promise than mine yet you get to break it and i can’t? no, oikawa-san. to me, its like that year never even happened’

you were now just trying to rile him up due to your anger towards him

you shouldve let him walk to the elevator and leave and never come back

but you still invited him in anyways

oikawa snapped his head up

‘you cant say that or mean it, y/n. that boy over there, hes a reminder of me. he looks exactly like me so you cant ever forget what we have’

‘what he had. it was simply the past, years ago, and everything has changed since then. dont you dare try to dig up buried secrets, oikawa’

‘but why did you keep him from me?’

he pleaded, desperate for any answer as to why

‘i had every right. the moment you boarded that plane, he no longer was yours. you left, i stayed, and you cant just come back here and-’

‘mama?’

a small voice from the corner halted your loud voice and you and tooru looked at him

oikawa yozora was exactly like his father

from his loud and obnoxious personality to even the brown hair and brown eyes

KFDSLJFKDS REMEMBER THAT KID FROM OLD UKAI’S VOLLEYBALL CLUB?! THATS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!!

he looked absolutely nothing like you and people even get confused when you say hes your son

um maam i think hes my son since he came out of me

so oikawa was right

yozora was your daily reminder of the mistakes of your youth but he was anything but that as he is the greatest thing to ever happen to you

yozora became your light when you fell into depression after oikawa ran away

sure, your parents absolutely loathed poor child as he is a child of a child

but you kept him because he means the world to you

and the world he holds are in his eyes

‘i,, i heard yelling,,, and,,, thought mama and oji were sad,,, so,,, i bring my,,, star book because,,, it makes me happy,,, and i think,,, mama and oji will,,, be happy too’

he mumbled out and you smiled at him before moving to go to him but oikawa stopped you

his eyes begged you and you glared at him, deciding to withdraw

if he decides to do anything, you could always knee him between the legs

he slowly approached yozo and kneeled down to reach eye-level

‘hello, my name is oikawa tooru’

he softly introduced himself and yozora just stared at him

‘you oikawa too? but i oikawa! mama is he me?!’

yozora shouted and you giggled, running to take him into your arms

‘oh, darling, how curious you are. oji isnt you, baby. he just,,, has the same last name as you. like mama has hers but you have,,, oji’s’

your eyes drifted to oikawa but he remained on the floor, staring at the spot where yozo stood on

you kept his last name

you listened to him from that night at the hill by naming his son after the night sky

my god, you are so,,, 

‘--the book. oji? do you?’

he was brought back to reality when your son was now back on the floor and poking his shoulder

tooru blinked and looked at him

‘huh?’

‘i ask if you want to read my book with me, oji. mama say she happy but you still sad so my book make you happy’

not even an hour of meeting him, oikawa tooru already loves him

the volleyball player nodded and yozora offered a tiny hand to which he accepted

‘this way. mama say to read so she make food. i like food, do you like food, oji? i like food. i like milk bread. mama say papa like it so i like what papa like. i want papa to come home. sit there’

tooru’s heart beat faster every word his child uttered and it even went faster when he saw yozo struggle to get up on the couch

the pair of big hands that brought him on the cushion made him happily sigh then uttered a small ‘thank you’

‘my mama say that my papa give me my book and say to take care of it until he come back. and she say he come back when im a master of space! so i study and read my book every day and know all so papa can hurry home!’

tooru didnt even notice tears falling down his face until yozo blinked up at him with his small hands grasping his cheeks to wipe it off

‘why you cry, oji? no sad! no sad! here! i read my book so you not cry’

he babbled and quickly pried the book open and read out the words on the page, not realizing he was saying most of it wrong

that book was oikawa’s

the book that he read all the time in the bus and now, it was passed on to his son

you leaned against the wall and gasped at the sight of yozo just babbling and oikawa crying

‘yoyo-kun? what did you do to tooru?’

you fussed and sat down next to oikawa

yozo worriedly looked at him and now his own eyes were watering and soon enough, you have 2 boys crying in your living room

GURL IM SORRY BUT I WOULDA KICKED OUT OIKAWA LIKE NOT EVEN OFFER HIM TEA OR ANYTHING IM SORRY IM TIRED AND IDK WHATS GOING ON

‘a-ah, y-yozo! yozo-kun! oji is,,, just,,, uh,, sad because,, because pluto isnt a planet anymore!’

yozo sniffled and he went closer to oikawa

‘me too, oji. yoyo sad too because pluto is just small. other planet are onii-chan and onee-chan but pluto is baby so they not like him’

he rambled and oikawa pulled him closer

‘mama, can we keep oji? nana-san and katsu-san will like him! promise!’

you couldnt even believe what was going on right now

not only did your baby daddy ex-boyfriend suddenly pop up, your son was now wanting to keep him

you made a move to of course deny his request but oikawa opened his mouth first

‘yozora-kun, of course you could keep me. im your papa, after all’

OKAY THAT WAS IT

YOU DID NOT WANT HIM TO SAY THAT TO YOZORA

out of shock, you slapped him across the face

causing yanno what happened

oikawa screamed

a/n: yoooooo SO LIKE THIS IS RIDICULOUS LIKE THIS IS BOOTY IM SORRY BUT THIS IS ALSO IN MY GOING TO EDIT LIST AND I CHOSE THIS OUT OF MY 10 OTHER VERSIONS OF THIS ROUTE AND I MAY OR MAY NOT RELEASE ANOTHER ONE JUST TO MAKE UP FOR IT. but try not to let this flop 🥺 👉👈

ALSO CHI THAT K+Y AND THE T+Y IS ON THE WORKS RN AND IM LIKE HALF WAY DONE SO I MIGHT RELEASE THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME

[erosofthepen]

Aaahh! Dude I LOVE that Dark Academia imagine you answered, it was so sweet and so very true! I hope you don't mind if I request something like it, with headcanons for Thorin, Fili, Kili and Bofur courting a Dark Academia style reader, since I'd be very curious about how they'd handle that individually, and I honestly just love reading your stuff. I hope that's alright, and thank you so very much in advance!!

I’m so sorry this took so long, but I hope you enjoy! And thank you so much for all your kind words, they mean a lot to me!

Thorin: He always had his eye on you, both intrigued and impressed by everything you did. From the way you dressed to the hours spent reading and studying, this dwarrow was incredibly taken by you. When you started courting, he would take you to the Great Library in Erebor, sometimes staying there for the entire day. He would enjoy watching you take notes on the poetry or classics you were reading, and usually, when your wrist finally gets tired, Thorin would sit beside you and either read to you, or have you read to him (personally, I’d rather him read to me… that deep voice *shivers*) I’ve always thought Thorin to be a deep thinker (though, his decisions say otherwise), and when a particularly interesting line comes up, the both of you would spend time talking it over and trying to figure out what it truly means. He would also teach you khuzdul, and help you translate your favorite works into it if you wanted too. And courting gifts. Lots of them. From books to new quill and ink sets, this dwarrow has you covered. He’ll commission fine dresses/coats/shirts/pants/shoes for you, all in the dark academia style. And when you’re up late studying or reading, Thorin will leave you be, but will play his harp beautifully, so the room isn’t completely silent.

Fili: He’s such an amazing dwarrow, honestly I could write essays on this dude. When you start courting, he’s super observant of what you like (and dislike). He knows what you’ll like best for dates (idk what you would call dates in Middle Earth… I need to find a word for that.), whether it’s walking out in the cool autumn evenings or going to the libraries or just staying in your room and reading by the fire. Oh, and just wait till he finds out the violin is a fantastic dark academia instrument. This is actually what I listened to while writing this . And Fili would totally learn to play something like this to satisfy your dark academia music needs. When you cuddle together, Fili likes to talk about what you’re currently reading and ask questions about it. He’ll mostly likely end up reading it after you, if only to impress you. You’ll both probably have a lot of late nights together, with him being the heir and you loving to study/read/learn, so you both end up helping one another with whatever you need, whether simple things like another cup of tea/coffee/whatever drink to helping write out an entire paper. You both mesh really nicely together.

Kili: This sweet bean is not the most studious of sorts, and unfortunately will get a bit bored if there’s days where all you want to do is read or study (Not in a bad way, and he would never complain. He just likes action, something to be happening, you know?), but he always finds ways to compensate. Maybe it’s impulsive walks at midnight through the city, or going out in the middle of the pouring rain with the dim glow of street lanterns lighting the paths. He finds ways to keep you both happy. He’ll also listen intently when you go off on a rant about literature or history, the excitement in your voice keeping him interested. He also just loves hearing you talk. I have a feeling his room is actually very dark academia themed (though not intentionally), with dark walnut wood for his bed and study (when he actually has to do work), and royal blue sheets and curtains. It’s honestly the perfect place to study (if all his clothes and messes are tidied), and you’ll spend hours in there. Like Fili, Kili would love to play the violin for you during those study sessions (also a great way to keep himself entertained). He’ll love to fall asleep cuddling with you while you read to him, like I said before, he loves listening to the sound of your voice.

Bofur: If I’m being completely honest, it’s a bit difficult to see Bofur with a dark academia s/o, purely because the stereotypical dark academia personality would clash with his. My brain is having trouble writing anything for him. Sorry to disappoint. But I hope you enjoyed the others!

[toukenramblings]

Modern AU: House Husband!Kasen Kanesada

I WON’T LIE THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT HOUSE HUSBAND KASEN A LOT DURING WORK LMAO. ENJOY

Warnings: Sfw+Nsfw, BAD POETRY

SFW

Kasen is no doubt an early riser, but more so along the lines of reluctant riser. He values his sleep no doubt, and will mumble and grumble as he slowly opens his eyes and wakes up. Kasen is also a kind of man who needs caffeine (tea or coffee, depends on what he’s feeling like at the time and his coffee has to be extra sweet with a cute little whipped cream swirl on top, don’t ask) to fully function. He’s sluggish when he wakes up. A kiss will be just as nice as his morning drink too! He will flush when you give him a morning kiss but will happily kiss you back before telling you to go brush your teeth.

Kasen is also pretty damn good at cooking. Will also stylize his dishes and post them to social media. But he is also posting poetry, aesthetically pleasing shots, and hes that one aesthetic blog on social media or something. His captions on food pics aren’t flashy or anything of the sort, it’s just a mere post and maybe a lil haiku in the description of how proud he is to have made it, or something of the sort!

Most of the posts on his social media are beautiful shots of you, framing your gorgeous self and of course the caption is just a poem that spans like 50 pages of how much he loves you.

When he gets up, he’ll help you chose your clothes for work! Most of the time it’s done the night before, set out on your desk or something.

Your lunch always has a little note tucked into it, most likely a poem of encouragement. 

Date nights are always consisting of book reading, poetry writing, or dance nights! It doesn’t have to be out of the house but if it is, damn right is Kasen going to look BEAUTIFUL. Will make sure you two have matching outfits. Also adores it when you two match, wittingly or not!

Is not shy about sharing clothing with you. Sure perhaps it’s smaller/bigger for him to wear but who the hell cares???? He loves you and damn right he will show it off! Flushes when you wear his clothing and will shyly admit that he adores it. 

Kasen is a bit of a shopaholic. He also has a bit of a habit of impulse buying things: stuff you like, stuff he likes, matching items for you two to wear together. Hell shopping dates are common between you two! Sure Kasen will try to steal the bags from you and forbid you from holding his stuff but it's just showing that he cares. You're his muse after all, don’t be surprised if he suddenly stops at a random store with clothing he thinks suits you! He will drop everything and drag you inside to see if anything will suit you! 

Will 100% show up at your workplace to bring you lunch personally, your coworkers cannot help but be enamored with your husband, his elegance, how he walks, how he is cordial with everyone he meets but almost lights up when he sees you. Everyone teases you at work that you have such a cute husband who always leaves you with a peck on your cheek and lunch - Kasen probably has a side business of making poems to help people confess/make their partner happy! 

The only PDA you’re getting from Kasen is hand-holding and cheek kisses, that’s that. Ain’t no one allowed to see your happy little face when you two kiss. You surprising him with PDA on the other hand will end him, flushed face, turns away, mumble something that it’s inappropriate before diving in to give you a taste of your own medicine.

NSFW

Shibari. Lingerie. Whatever the hell. Kasen adores a sense of beautiful elegance and will not hesitate to pick out some lingerie for you, taking in how your body is made/shaped, colors that suit you, material, what you like, so on and so forth! He’s...a regular at this one sex shop. The cashier knows Kasen by name and they regularly have debates on what kind of stuff you should wear.

Though if you surprise him with picking out something yourself Kasen will be just as happy to see you like that! Not before wanting to make you into a sobbing fucked out mess but he loves it when you have something underneath your clothing!

Sexting consists of nothing but long ass poems of EXACTLY what Kasen will do to you that night. It’s like 60 pages long but it’s WORTH IT. If you’re lucky, you’ll sometimes see HIM in lingerie, sending you naughty little pictures of what he’s wearing. And then there are audio clips that are like just him reading his naughty poetry to you. He won’t send videos often but when they do, HOOOO BOI. 

“Your lips are of liquor, for even a glance at them gets me drunk. A flush against your cheeks, roses cascading down your form, dipping under the twine and silk that dares to bar my way. 

“Forever let me stay within your heart, your breast, your soul, they beat as one. Our hands collide, fingers seeking with earnest, I never want to leave you.”

“Paint your body white, forever with my dear love, I am enamored.”

Nothing but body worship here my friends. Kasen will draw out paintings and poems with his tongue on your skin if he must. Hickies are placed only in the most intimate of places. He doesn’t mind marking up your neck, oh no! It’s fine but this is an art piece that only he is allowed to see. 

And then we get to his tongue. He is a poet, he has a silver tongue, he knows how to use that damn thing. Will adore it when you two suck on each other’s fingers. 

You two are fucking in the bedroom, that’s it. You two can tease each other all you want around the house, but the bedroom is a sacred place. He won’t lie that he hasn’t thought about fucking you in his studio/office but is also worried of making a mess. So that’s more or less off of the table. 

Your wedding night was nothing short of slow and lovely, Kasen wouldn’t even initiate the act until much later. You two would just lie there in a bed, kissing and tracing each other’s forms until you are satisfied. Oh so slow languid kisses shared, hands tangling in hair. Kasen would be slow, taking his time with you. He wants to savor that moment, when you two have sex the first time as a married couple; wanting to etch that into his body and memory. 

Yes Kasen might have a slight oral fixation, but you look me in the eye and tell me gagging Kasen wouldn’t be a cute as fuck sight. He never wants to be blindfolded though, he has to see you!! No way are you hiding your beautiful form from him!

Aftercare is so tender and sweet, his hands would massage every joint and every inch of your body, pressing sweet kisses and whispering praises. A bottle of water, and of course, making sure that you two are clean - bed sheets too. Gonna change those no matter how tired he is. 

[readingsbylibramc]

synastry chart reading for @fvckhxbits

hello! welcome to your reading. I'm going to give you a quick overview of what I'm going to analyze about your synastry chart: in-depth analysis of house overlays with major aspects, potential of the relationship, soulmates indicators, possible marriage indicators, possible issues and struggles of the relationship, intimacy and physical attraction, what they feel when they see / think about you, in-depth analysis of fate, love and marriage asteroids. of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask! my dms are always open. now let's get into the reading!

PARTNER A: she / her | libra sun, virgo moon, gemini rising.

PARTNER B: he / him | gemini sun, scorpio moon, scorpio rising.

PARTNER A

- personal planets -

🌞 partner a's libra sun in his 11th house

this could be the type of relationship that started off as a friendship, or at least that feels like a friendship. you and your partner don't focus on doing cheesy, romantic couple stuff, but you also enjoy having fun together like two friends. you may attend parties and events together, you may go out with your friends and get along with each other's friends pretty well. you may socialize more as a couple, perhaps even more than you two usually do. this placement can also indicate that you two met thanks to your friends for example, or maybe online, or even at some sort of social gathering like a party, a concert, etc. basically, a place crowded with people. the 11th house is also about long-term goals, and hence your partner may see you as a dream, as something he wants to last. you two may have a long-term, stable relationship, you both want this relationship to work and to last as much as possible. in addition, this placement may also motivate both of you to achieve the best in life, you may drive each other to be successful and achieve your goals, or perhaps one of them may even be of help to the other to get a reputation, a job, etc.

partner a's libra sun trine partner b's gemini sun: you and your partner just get along with ease. you have the same ideals, the same approach to the world, you see eye to eye on pretty much everything, and even if sometimes you disagree with the other, you still understand their point of view, there's this mutual understanding of each other that makes the relationship flow very smoothly. you're probably not afriad of being judged by the other, as you are so similiar that the atmosphere gets naturally light when you're together. there's no stress, just appreciation and pleasure. you two have same ideas, a similiar mentality and maturity, but you can still bring something new to the other without making it too overwhelming, and that's why this relationship feels so beneficial and light-hearted. for example, your libra sun can bring romance and cooperation to your partner's life. especially since he's a scorpio dominant individual, he may tend to rely on himself most of the time. you're here to help him, to let him understand that you're not alone. your partner, on the other hand, could help you come off as less conceited; that is, you may often want to be right, especially during arguments. your partner brings you the mental stimulation to discuss not for the sake of being right, but to gain knowledge.

🌙 partner a's virgo moon in his 9th house

you see your partner as someone mature, wise, brilliant... basically a role model. they have a lot of influence on you, they’re a sort of inspiration. you may share the same ideas and views of the world, maybe politcally or even about music genre for example. overall, this placement indicates that you perceive your partner as someone powerful and distant from you, someone elevated and far away from you that you can't seem to reach. perhaps, it could also be that you two are physicaly separated, he may live abroad or still somewhere far from where you live, making it hard for you to meet each other. you admire him deeply, and thr flip side to this is that your partner may become too dependant of your compliments, of your opinion of him, and hence a break-up would be fatal for his self-esteem. the 9th house represents sagittarius, which is all about exploring and knowledge, you know? therefore, you may want to get to know this person in-depth, you’re curious about their habits, their talents, their secrets... you want an authentic, reliable vision of him. you never get tired of talking or even just thinking about this person, learning about his persona amuses you. last but not least, this person makes you crave a stable relationship with him; you may see as someone perfectly wise and mature for a long-lasting relationship, you see him as the ‘end of the race’, someone perfect to commit to.

partner a's virgo moon square partner b's gemini mars: this placement may cause some troubles, as you may often be blind to your partner’s attitude. especially since the moon is placed in his 9th house, you may idealize your partner way too much when he’s not actually who he seems to be. at first you may be okay with his behaviour, as a gemini mars and dominant he tends to be way more impulsive than your logical virgo moon. yet, as time goes by, you may start feeling constantly contradicted, arguments could be more frequent as you may misunderstand each other. more specifically, you start realizing that your partner’s nature is too different from yours, and while there are many other aspects that could mitigate this effect, you may still feel as if it’s impossible for you to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship in these occasions. especially your partner, he may often hurt your feelings with his words. on the other hand, this placement also has a positive side! you are strongly attracted to each other, you both feel attached to the other with glue, and that’s exactly why this relationship could become unhealthy, because you may struggle to let go of the other if necessary.your bond is so strong that you can’t manage to separate, even when there are so many hardships and conflicts. 

🗣 partner a's scorpio mercury in his 12th house

this placement makes you extremely empathetic in regards of your partner. you probably can tell what’s going on in his mind pretty well, you may complete his phrases, you may basically read his mind. you know when he’s happy, when he’s sad, when he’s angry, when he’s lying... he’s an open book to you, he can’t hide. perhaps, you may even make dreams about him and viceversa. you could often find yourself daydreaming about this person as well. on the other hand, there are a few problems caused by this placement as well, we’re still talking about the 12th house after all. first of all, your partner is a scorpio dominant: he’s lonely, secretive, private... he doesn’t like showing his real nature to others, he feels uncomfortable revealing all of his secrets, his mind. having someone that understands him so deeply, while it can impress him in some way, you may catch his attention, but at the same time he may as well be annoyed by it. he may start feeling overwhelmed from this lack of privacy, he may want to run away as this relationship could start being unhealthy, especially for him. or perhaps, he may actually be looking for a relationship of this kind, an intense, transformative relationship, therefore he may actually appreciate it, but it depends on what he wants from a partner. his cancer venus makes me think that he would feel at ease with such a strong connection, but again, he’s a scorpio dominant, so he may still be secretive and uncomfortable, maybe it depends on his mood. last but not least, this placement can also make the two of you quite paranoid; your partner may often feel as if you’re hiding something from him, and that could interfer in your bond of course. 

partner a's scorpio mercury conjunct partner b's scorpio moon: I find this placement so lovely! you two get along pretty well, you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with the other. you may be a very sweet couple, you may call each other sweet names like 'honey', 'baby' and so on. also, you have no problems communicating with the other, especially considering that this conjunction also happens in your 5th house, the house of romance. you have very long, confidential talks, it's pleasant for you two to vent all of your worries. there is a mutual understanding that makes it very easy for you two to stay committed in a relationship, as it's an healthy environment for your mental health. you could be each other's therapist, you always try to understand what the other's thinking. the only problem that could arise with this placement is that you may tend to analyze too much your partner's emotions. for example, let's suppose your partner has had a bad day and he wants to talk about it to you. he just wants to vent and be heard, but you may mistake this for wanting to be helped. you could give him some advices, when he actually didn't ask for anything. basically, remember that you don't always have to solve his problems, just listen to him.

❤️ partner a's sagittarius venus in his 1st house

this placement indicates that you most likely find your partner extremely attractive! he probably fits your beauty standards, you find him very charismatic and charming, it's hard for you not to stare at him. basically, he's your type. also, aside from being into his looks, you may also be fascinated from the way he presents himself in general: you may like his fashion sense, his manners, the way he approaches people, the way he speaks... bascially, everything about the outer him, it was likely love at first sight, or at least you instantly felt strong attraction to this individual when you first met him. also, this placement also indicates that you may inspire your partner in an artistic way, and viceversa. for example, let's suppose you like writing; you may feel inspired by your partner to write books about him, or perhaps poetry or song lyrics. you see your partner as someone aesthetically pleasant, basically as a piece of art. your partner also has this placement, his cancer venus is in your first house, therefore this feeling is mutual. overall, you both feel flattered and loved by the other, you may often compliment each other and that will be a complete self-esteem boost for both of you. feeling loved by your partner and viceversa inspires you to love yourself, and as a result you feel more beautiful.

partner a's sagittarius venus opposite partner b's gemini mars: I wouldn't say this is an extremely negative placement. oppositions are still easier to deal with than squares in my opinion, but still there could be some major problems regarding conflicts. you and your partner may not see eye to eye regarding love and sex, you may struggle to meet each other's wants. for example, you may desire more romanticism from your partner, and your partner may want more physical attraction from you. you may tend to act submissive around your partner, he could make you feel like a teenage, while your partner adopts a more bossy, stereotypically 'manly' behaviour. while this may be attractive and 'safe' for both of you, it could actually become a boring relationship that doesn't bring anything new to both of you. you are very different, you most likely have differents needs and wants that you expect from a relationship, making it difficult to work of course. but again, you're not doomed: your venus is sextile your partner's saturn. that means that, with time and growth, your partner will eventually start to understand you and your point of view. basically, at first it may be hard to feel healthy while being in a relationship of this kind, but as time goes by, you'll both learn some major life lessons that will improve your love life. even if this relationship doesn't last, you'll still get out of it with loads of maturity and experiences.

partner a's sagittarius venus sextile partner b's libra saturn: as I’ve mentioned above, this placement is particularly positive in this chart. the saturn person, your partner, with time will make you more mature and responsible. he will teach you how to stand up for yourself, without depending on someone else. he will allow you to be more of an adult as well, he could literally act like a father figure with you at a certain point. the saturn person, on the other hand, will learn from you, the venus person, how to be more laid-back. he may be someone very busy and constantly stressed that can’t dedicate much time to himself. you will soften him, you’ll show him that it’s safe to let feelings take over sometimes, that it’s fine to show love and affection to others. he won’t be seen as weak, but simply as human. it’s an important life lesson that he needs to learn since he has a lot of grumpy scorpio energy which restricts him from truly enjoying life and relationships, as he tends to be more introspective. the only problem that comes with this relationship is that you may eventually start feeling limited in this relationship; your sagittarius venus wants to be free, you want your relationships to be all about fun without any worries, and with a partner that acts like your dad you may start feeling oppressed in the long run. especially since your partner may even have quite of a cold, detached approach with you, that will hardly make it seem like a romantic, fairytale-like relationship if that’s what you’re looking for. same goes for your partner: while he may see you as someone bright and cheerful that lights up his day, he may start seeing you as too immature for him.

☄️ partner a's virgo mars in his 10th house

this placement isn’t exactly romantic, I would say it’s more suitable for a working relationship, but there are still some notes that could resonate. in first place, you may inspire your partner to be successful, you may be his strenght to pursue a certain career or even just to lead in general. your support boosts his self-esteem, allowing him to succeed and achieve his goals. in addition, you may actually work in the same field, or perhaps you aspire to follow his steps and work in the same environment as him. you may also literally help each other with your job, for example if he works in an office you may help him getting some documents done, if he’s a teacher you may help him with his students, etc. one thing for sure, you would support him in anything he does, you would become his numer #1 fan. the house person, aka your partner, also sees potential in you, and he may help you being more successful in your finances and career as well. he probably appreciates your skills and talents, as well as your strategies. the problem with this overlay is that, at first, this relationship could be quite boring or even cold at first. there’s a lot of seriousness and respect from both of you, which could make this relationship too heavy, especially for your free-spirited sagittarius venus. this placement could also be interpreted in a more family-related way: you may inspire him to become a father, he may be very present for his children, and he would do anything to provide wealth and security for his family. 

partner a's virgo mars square partner b's gemini mars: this placement is quite tricky, especially when it comes to the sexual side of the relationship. more specifically, you tend to have quite different needs from the other which interfer in the way you enjoy your moments together. for instance, during sexual encounters, you probably don’t have the best of your time as you have different views of sex. you see it as something very intimate, your virgo mars makes you very picky, and you probably enjoy being prepared, you don’t like improvising. your partner is literally the opposite: he prefers exploring and constantly trying out new things without warning. he’s a mutable dominant individual, he doesn’t like settling down to one thing, and that could make you feel overwhelmed. you like being in control, and in this relationship you would definitely struggle to be in charge. basically, you may both be disappointed from the other’s sexual performance, and especially for your partner, sex is important. if it isn’t enjoyable, he could easily detach and drift away. he also seems very stubborn, he probably won’t try to sacrifice his desires to satisfy your needs, therefore if you’re not willing to adapt to his wants, I would say that this relationship wouldn’t be healthy if it lasted much. in addition, aside from issues regarding your intimate life, you may even fight on a daily basis, especially since you also have 12th house synastry that brings misunderstandings. I have this aspect myself with tons of people I know, and I can say that I constantly feel annoyed by them. I just don’t vibe with them, we constantly argue and disagree on so many things. even if you have other soft aspect that may make this more bearable, it’s still something that shouldn’t be underestimated, especially if you’re aspiring to have a long-term relationship with this person.

PARTNER B

🌞 partner b's gemini sun in her 12th house

this one is kind of a tricky placement. while this placement indicates that your partner feels strongly attracted to you, he may also feel rejected and / or confused about this relationship with you (or even viceversa, you may be the one to feel rejected). when he first saw you, he probably couldn't get his eyes off of you, you were constantly in his mind, you attracted him like a magnet. it's a very intense relationship, but that he probably can handle since he himself has some 12th house placements and heavy scorpio dominance in his chart. it's actually quite beneficial to have such a placement for him and for the sake of the relationship, or he may possibly get bored of it, especially since he's a gemini sun. you may see your partner as someone very charming and alluring, even mysterious, and that's probably why you fell for him in the first place. in addition, your relationship may also be enigmatic; you may hide your relationship, or perhaps one of you tries to hide the other from their friends, family, etc. or at least there's this fear of being open about this connection. you're probably the more private type of couple, you may like to socialize but only in safe environments with people you trust. aside from that, I don't see any other hardship coming from this aspects, since your sun and your partner's form a beautiful trine. hence, you get the best of the 12th house: this may be a very dreamy and romantic relationship, or perhaps you actually dream of each other. you could also help each other in some way, you're always there for the other and you're also very loyal. now, I don’t know if this relationship is canon or not, as astrology can’t determine that, but this placement can also indicate platonic / one-sided love. you may tend to idealize your partner a lot, and you may never have the opportunity to confess your feelings to this person. but again, this will only apply if this person doesn’t know about you, and of course it doesn’t mean that the relationship is impossible.

partner b's gemini sun conjunct partner a's gemini ascendant: finally, a pleasant aspect! your partner probably thought that you were very attractive when he first saw you. you may meet his ideals of beauty, he sees you as his type of girlfriend. he likes the way you move, the way you speak and present yourself, or even just the way you look physically, he may like your face and body. he may even be more straight-forward and approach you first, he may often spoil you with compliments and you don’t step back from them. you appreciate the way he looks, or even stare at you. actually, you may even crave his attention. your partner, aside from admiring you deeply, may even take you as a role model, he may desire to be like you, especially in your way of approaching the world. perhaps, since he’s a scorpio rising, he may wish to come off as more easy-going and open, just like you do thanks to your gemini ascendant. same thing goes for you: you also appreciate the way your partner lives his life, his achievements, his goals, his ideals, and so on. luckily, there aren’t other negative placements that interfer with this mostly-posiitve aspect. in fact, this aspect could possibly bring a feeling of competition between you two, as instead of admiring and appreciating the other, you may start hating yourselves because you think the other is better.

🌙 partner b’s scorpio moon in her 5th house

this placement is extremely lovely! probably one of the best to have in a romantic relationship. your partner may feel fascinated by your hobbies, your skills and talents; you may be particularly creative and / or intelligent, and this is really attractive to him. he sees you as someone very lovely, someone ideal to start a relationship. you two feel comfortable together, you can both have fun like two children playing around; you may often tease each other for example, but you never misunderstand or get hurt by the other, there’s this mutual love and empathy for the other that makes it extremely rare for you two to be in conflict. sex is also pretty romantic and, above all, respectful. your partner may always try to be gentle with you, as he doesn’t want to hurt you in any way, thanks to this placement he may be way more considerate than his scorpio moon when he’s with you. what I’m going to say now is a bit more specific, but since the 5th house is also about creativity and arts, you may literally become a muse for your parter. for example, if he’s a singer, he may write songs about you; if he’s a writer, he could write poetry or romance thinking about you, and so on. you inspire him to relax and have fun, without thinking about job and worries, just pleasure. it’s indeed a very peaceful and amusing relationship. in addition, the 5th house rules leo, the ego, the self-esteem. being with this person, especially when he spoils you with compliments and appreciation, is extremely helpful for you to feel more loved and secure of yourself, especially in your appearance. therefore, this relationship has the potential to be healthy for both of you, as long as you don’t become too obsessed about each other’s opinion of the other.

🗣 partner b's cancer mercury in her 1st house

with this placement, you probably also fell for your partner for the way he talks, he exposes his thoughts, his choice of words. you may even be literally into his voice, you like the way it sounds, you thought it was attractive when you first heard it. you may even see your partner as someone smart and intellectual who has a way with words, someone that  can achieve whatever he wants thanks to his witty intellect. you may also enjoy his sense of humor, you probably don’t force your laugh when you’re around him because you find him genuinely entertaining. as for your partner, he may also be into the way you think and talk, he could be fascinated by your ideas and creativity. in addition, mercury is all about curiosity, and hence he may be curious to get to know you. when you first met him, he felt this sudden urge to get to know you, he could’ve been the first one to randomly approach you, and he started making random questions just to hav ìe a conversation with you. even more simple things like “What is your favourite food?” looks fine to him, as long as he learns something new about you, he cares about this kind of stuff. this placement can surely make good friendships, as you two are able to have an amusing conversation, even though it may be more casual rather than deep. you probablty wouldn’t talk about the meaning of life with him, to make it simple, but rather about your hobbies, your passions.

☄️ partner b's gemini mars in her 12th house

this is another tricky house overlay. you probably feel extremely attracted to this person, but you can’t figure out the reason. it’s like you’re under a spell, you don’t know when it started and when it’s going to end, if it’s ever going to end. in fact, this placement will make it particularly hard for you to let go and forget about this person, you may constantly hold on any little clue that may indicate that this relationship can work and be long-lasting, even if it starts stressing out both of you. the thing is, since you can’t exactly understand why you feel so attracted to this person, you find it hard to find a reason to end it. of course you can’t rush something like this, you prefer understanding your feelings in-depth rather than base yourself on your suppositions, but in this way you’ll just get stuck into this cycle. aside from that, mars is also about physical attraction, therefore with this placement, your partner may not feel physically attracted with you, and if he does, there could be some issues regarding sex and intimacy in general. he may feel as if you don’t appreciate him and viceversa, and this could obviously lead to many conflicts, not only between the two of you, but in general  in yourselves. you may start feeling like a failure, as if you’re not worthy of love at all, when it’s  absolutely not the way you should interpret this. it simply means that  you two can’t see eye to eye, and therefore you can’t match each other’s energy.

ASTEROIDS & CO

❤️ partner b's libra juno conjunct partner a's libra sun

this is the only relevant aspect I could find regarding love asteroids and points of destiny. at least, it’s very positive! in fact, juno is the asteroid of marriage. with his juno being conjunct your sun, your partner sees you as his ideal partner, his ideal spouse, someone he wants to commit to and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. he’s probably into a feminine, romantic and elegant partner that would do anything for him, and you totally fit that description, you embody his ideal personality. therefore, this placement makes it extremely easy to  get along at first and feel attracted to each other. you may as well feel as if you want to marry this person,as if you he was meant to be your husband. it could pretty much feel like a soulmate connection, especially with that magical 12th house synastry that you two share.

CONCLUSION

pretty much, I wouldn’t say this relationship is extremely romantic. if you asked me, I would say that it looks more like a friendship, or perhaps like a platonic relationship based on these placements. the thing is, you have this 12th house synastry that makes you fantasize and dream about this connection and about your partner in general. the problem is that you may often ignore red flags, as you’re very confused about this relationship in first place. if you’re not together yet, you may even doubt that your partner feels attracted to you. to be completly honest, I barely see this as a love relationship, or at least not in this lifetime. you don’t have many karmic indicators of you two being meant to meet and marry, but your 12th house synastry does indicate some sort of soulmate connection. since I was quite unsure, I decided to pull out a tarot card to sort out my doubts. I got the chariot, which is all about experiences, it’s a journey. therefore, my take on this is that you two may have some karmic bond, but your souls may need to wait for a few lifetimes before finally meeting in human form. I have this strong feeling that you probably haven’t met this person yet, but if you actually did and you’re in this relationship, then I’d suggest you to trust your intuition. possibly, spiritual outlets could also help you understanding if this relationship is worthy for you and for your mental health, like astrology, tarots, meditation, etc. after all, astrology indicates the potential, but the fate of the relationship is still in your hands, you’re free.

and this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading :) let me know if you have any questions xx

- libramc

[a-walk-in-silver-rain]

Hello! So I saw that this account was fairly new and while I was scrolling through matchups I found your account and decided why not? So if it's alright with you, may I request an Obey Me Match-up?

My name is Nox or Ohjuu, afab Agender (he/it/they pronouns), 5'7 feet, has short, fluffy red hair, and my body type is muscular with fluff (pretty thicc in the thighs but shhhhhh insecurities-). My signs are Capricorn (Sun), Gemini (Moon), and Cancer (Rising); my MBTI type is ESTJ / ISTJ and my personality type is 6w5. Just to add a lil tidbit my clothing aesthetic is grudge/flannel/depressed artist/skater boi if that makes any sense? Giving love language is 1, gift giving 2, acts of service, 3 physical touch (all depends on partner.) Receiving love language is 1, Physical Touch and Words of Affrimation (these two are at a tie) 2, Acts of service 3, Quality Time.

Describing my personality may be kinda tough because it always changes depending who I'm around with and everyone will have a different opinion of me no matter what I do. But I would like to think I'm open minded, empathetic, caring, generous, serious and quite, at least that's what I think and I'm usuallythe mom/quite/therapist friend, I should probably mention that despite this not many people come near or even talk to me, probablybecauseof my resting bitch face, but peopleusuallyleave me be, which is good in some cases. Though those are the basic points to myself, however I can't just ignore my bad qualities either, I'm quick to anger depending on the situation, I'll stand up for others but i won't stand up/will take the blame for myself, I'm self sacrificing (I heard told I do that but I just mainly do it on command, to my I do it because it's my way of proving that I care for someone or that I would rather get hurt myself rather than them), I have little to no confidence in myself albeit I actually try to stay that way, and I'm a bit self depreciating....a lot (though that's in private or I make jokes about it-)Though even though I am like this, for self depreciation, and opiate mindset is what I need (Me = self depreciating, Partner = hopefully not the same). And I feel a bit of a cluster fuck when it comes to me or my personality (having wrath actually kinda makes me feel worse because I kind have trauma over people with wrath and knowing I have it makes me feel horrible.)

Hobbies? Well I don't have many but when I'm not on burnout I really like to draw a lot, it helps especially when I need to vent out something (seeing art that was drawn out of sadness or anger you can tell and it's kinda creepy how it does that.) Also coaplay is a favorite pass time as well! Though I don't do it too often, but when I do it's really fun! And finally in 3rd place I have gaming, I wouldn't really call myself a gamer but there are a couple games that peak my interest (Genshin Impact, Pokémon, Hallow Knight are some.) Honorable mentions are Hiking/Walking (I actually mean that), watching some shows/anime, and idk daydreaming I guess?

I should probably mention a few things like interests that hasn't already been mentioned in hobbies. I like to cook, I think I'm a pretty good cook, so I do it, I mostly do savory stuff and I usually like the food spicy though usually my friends/family can't really handle something more than mild, which makes me sad. I actually have an interest in animal science and I hope to become a veterinarian or at least someone that works with animals and if we're talk about animals, dogs or cats? I have to pick both (though exceptoon if the dog is big, I love big dogs), but I really can't choose, but if I get a third option I choose snakes. I use to have an instrest in poetry, but I'm stoped for a bit because not many people like dark poetry (I never really write lighthearted poetry because it always end up being dark even without me trying-.)

Quirks? Not a BNHA reference but I should mention some more things about myself, I'm sensitive to light and crowds, the light makes my eyes hurt and kinda faint and crowds just get me worked up and my flight responses kinda kick in (I usually try to keep my room as dark as possible and secluded because of this.) I kinda have poor memory, and sometimes I remember stuff and sometimes I don't, I have some tics that don't appear too often but when they do I usually make a hissing sound, a weird vocal sound, and with that comes some kind if head twitch, I can control it better in public but some of it slips and it's quite embarrassing. I WILL go into flight or fight mode if I'm being yelled or scolded at or if I hear yelling in general, depending on who it is I go with flight but I will go fight if needed, not only can't I not stand the loudness or tone but I usually don't need people criticizing, scolding, or hating me when I can perfectly do it myself. I shouldalso mention I'mtired almost all the time, even when I sleep well, I just feel sluggish a lot and I just wish I could sleep but I really don't like it because I know I need to get work done but motivation is coming slow these days. Finally umm....also as a defense or regular manurism I hiss and growl, kinda like a cat and/or wolf, usually confuses people enough for me to get away in situations but I sometimes like to do it when I'm angry or when to fuck with people.

And uhhhh yeah that's it from me! I really really really hope this wasn't too much information or if I wrote something down that was triggering OR that I was being a but too self depreciating. Anyways I really hope you have a good day!!

Hiya! Thanks for sending in a request! And don't worry about it you didn't write too much! I hope you have a lovely day/night too! (^_^)

I'd match you with...

Mammon

I think that you and Mammon would work really well together since you've added that your love language for giving is acts of service and physical touch which Mammon is definitely touch starved. And even just small things like touching his shoulder while talking to him or to get his attention would make him a bit happier. As for the acts of service, Mammon is normally the one asking for things like if he needs help with studying. Having some just do something for him or ask instead of him vouln-telling someone to help would kinda confuse him though he'd be happy.

Mammon being Mammon is a tsundere, this means you'll likely be spending a lot of time around him while he says he there because he could tell you wanted him around or something like that. He'd try to help you where he can and do little things he notices, and although he's not the best with words he'd try his hardest to comfort you.

Being the mom/therapist friend would definitely come in handy when with Mammon since he's not great with keeping his impulses and strange schemes in check. Mammon could use someone to just talk to about his feeling and the bullying of his brothers. Being able to have someone who cook would definitely help his eating habits since he eats a lot of cup ramen (I remember something say that in game) since he’s not to great of a chef himself. 

I feel like Mammon would be so soft for you, he'd be absolutely terrible at hiding but he'd try in public and in front of his brothers. Mammon's happy watching you cosplay or draw. He might request you try and show him how to do it cause it can't be that hard right? But he'd definitely try and play some of the games you play and suggest some you two might be able to play together. He would definitely get confused by Genshin and how much stuff there is to keep track of. He'd most likely just follow you around trying to help you kill stuff.

I can’t imagine see Mammon not liking any of your pet preferences since I feel like he like dogs more but would totally be chill with a cat. I think you might scare Mammon with you poetry depending on how dark you write each particular piece. He’d be supportive but just don’t read them to him before bed. 

The biggest problem with being with Mammon is how loud he can get, he doesn’t really notice when he does so you’ll probably have to bring it to his attention if you want him to quite down. If he ever saw or sensed that you were starting to go into your flight response when in a public area he’d pull you into him or pick you up and run off to a much more secluded area. Lastly there’s no way he’d really mind your ticks and your quirks he might question it a bit at first but if you just explain it he be fine, still might not get it but won’t really question it further. 

Thank you so much for the matchup! I hope you liked it! Any feedback would be great!

[bewaretheidesofmarchyall]

Soulmate Shenanigans Five: The Order Of The Shenanigans

Hey! Guess who has returned? 

Me!

Just the March doing her prompt writing thing, as seen on previous episodes :)

Parts one, two, three, and four here!

Prompt #5

Any intense emotions your soulmate feels you will also experience

Warnings for kidnapping mention and gifted kid “potential” mention

Okay. Not going to lie, I kind of tweaked the concept, but I like how it turned out. The idea of the sides having sides in human AUs has been in my brain, and now it’s in yours!

World Building

At first, the symptoms of having a soulmate was seen as symptoms of witchcraft

It was a reasonable assumption to make, as seeing into someone’s head and emotions wasn’t really a thing that humans did. 

However, as the population grew and communication across the globe became a thing, the instances of people finding their soulmates grew as well, and not everyone could be a witch (or, if they were, being a witch was simply being human).

It took a while for the culture around soulmates to shift, but shift it did, and people eventually figured out “Oh, that person is my soulmate, not my eternal enemy that I need to destroy via my demonic powers, which I totally have”

But people’s minds are kind of a lot, and it’s hard to process it all.

So, in modern day, people have learned to separate the pieces of their soulmate’s personality that they get bombarded with into different pieces, or sides

The sides are Logic, Morality/Emotions, Creativity (with there sometimes being a divide between dark and light), Self-Preservation, and Anxiety.

Characters

Roman: Roman is looking forward to meeting his soulmate so much!

Just...later.

When he’s a famous writer and people know about him and he’s evened out his insecurities and he deserves them!

Being perfect for them is going to take work, but most people meet their soulmates over 30, so he’s got at least fifteen years to prepare.

Until then, he was working on his fantasy story and dreaming of the day he’d get published or get the lead in a school play.

The writing club had been his idea, so you could say that everything that happens in the story was his fault. He’d just wanted to be around people who liked the same things he liked!

Roman’s Sides, ranked in order of how much control they have:

Note: Names are hard. Aaaagh.

Magnus, his creativity, romance, passion, etcetera. Magnus is really the one who calls the shots around here. He’s just as goofy of a fifteen year old (if not more) as Roman, but he has the unenviable position of running a mind palace and being the ego of someone who hates himself.

This guy just wants to listen to Hamilton, but noooo, he had to have an evil reflection of himself and self-worth issues.

The Count, his self-preservation and pretty much Roman’s inner Roxie Hart/Velma Kelly. Randomly suggests poisoning their mortal enemies a lot (note: they don’t have mortal enemies). 

The most like canon Janus out of any of the self preservations, except instead of “we live in a society” it’s more “fuck it, we’re going to be *famous*!”

The other sides will pay him to stop saying, “that’s showbiz”

The Medic, his morality and emotions. Sort of has a medieval healer thing going on (which means herbs in a satchel, not plague doctor mask).

A lovely person on his own, but when he and The Guard team up, it’s ✨Guilt time!✨

He has the question of “Am I a terrible person?” on his hands, so...good luck to him. He’s trying to hold the five of them into a cohesive unit, but it’s hard!

The Guard, his fears and anxious thoughts. He has a shield and a spear, and is kind of dressed like a (dark and stormy) knight.

No one particularly likes him, but it’s his job to recognize The Shadow, so they all need him.

He hangs around on the outskirts of the mindscape, ever vigilant.

The Alchemist, his logic. No one listens to the voice of reason in this house. Al isn’t really a fan of this, and being Roman’s logic, he thinks that if he can find a way to prove himself it’ll turn out okay.

The Shadow, everything Magnus discarded. You could call him dark creativity, but he’s a lot more. 

They used to call him Rex, when they were kids.

Patton: Patton isn’t thrilled with having to move to a new school, but he’s keeping a positive attitude

The new town is creepy and making friends is harder than he thought, and he just wants to right a sappy love story about ghosts without feeling sad.

But if he keeps his chin up, he knows it’ll all be fine!

And hey, maybe he’ll find people who like him in this writing club thing!

Patton’s Sides, ranked in order of how much control they have: 

Patrick, his morality and emotions. Patrick feels all of the loneliness and desperation that Patton feels daily, but pretends he doesn’t feel it, since he has to be there for them!

Them meaning his family, meaning the rest of Patton’s mind, as well as Patton, since he’s kind of an older brother/role model to the guy.

Covering the full scope of human emotions isn’t great when the other half of your job is enforcing the sense of right and wrong (and the general consensus in Patton’s head is showing negative emotions = burden = wrong).

None of them can cook, but that won’t stop him from trying!

The Canary, his fears and anxious thoughts. Constantly popping up to remind everyone that they’re failing. It’s kind of his job.

Stress plays the piano when things get to be too much.

The Gardener, his creativity, romance, and passion. Conjures flowers a lot. Projects wishes for a soulmate into the sappy ghost love story, which he’s mostly in charge of writing.

Hasn’t split yet, but that’s mostly because nearly all of Patton’s negative impulses that would be considered “dark creativity” already come from The Miser.

Dr. Picani, his logical side. Knows everything about cartoons, and tries to be professional, but a complete sweetheart.

Secretly knows his name is Emile, but is waiting for the best moment to tell everyone.

The Miser, his self-preservation and deceitful side. No one’s a fan of him. Patrick is kind of his mortal nemesis (in the sense that Patrick claimed the title and he just kind of went along with it?)

Everyone else in the Pattonsphere refuses to curse, but he says many a “fuck” with ease

Trying to protect The Gardener from splitting by taking responsibility for most of the things a dark creativity would do.

Virgil: Virgil just didn’t want to join the yearbook committee. 

It was irrational, maybe, to have a deep rooted hatred of the yearbook committee. 

They were just trying to categorize things, design pages-it wasn’t malicious! 

And yet, being in that classroom and seeing Amelia’s dead eyes and smile near rang every alarm bell in his system, so he needed a way out this year.

His parents weren’t going to let him not choose an activity, so he flipped a coin and ended up in some writing club.

He came into the club determined to fake some pretentious poetry about death. Just because they say the club’s about expression or whatever doesn’t mean that they can know anything about his comics.

Virgil’s Sides, ranked in order of how much control they have: 

Dante, his fears and anxious thoughts. Dante has too many eyes. Dante is lowkey a cryptid, but he’s sadly a cryptid in charge of life decisions.

There’s no way to dance around it. Dante’s a spider-human hybrid.

Dante would prefer they never be perceived by anyone for anything. He does not want to be seen, he does not want to be heard, he does not want to be perceived. Period. 

But he’s a very conspicuous spider-human hybrid. 

The Competent One, The One Who Can Actually Do Math, Steve, whatever you want to call him, he’s Virgil’s logical side.

His theories are just....

See that image? That kind of sums up his characterization.

Parker, his creativity, romance, and heroic side. He’s the one who got them obsessed with comic books, and is trying to write his own. If people don’t like the comics, he’ll probably just start screaming and never stop

He gets the purple eyeshadow!

Remy, his self-preservation. He mainly just wants Virgil to just...rest

Nap. Sleep. Take a self-care day. This is Remy’s goal.

Also to continue to have the most style out of anyone in the Virgilsphere

Remy has a talent for never being anywhere at the right time, and then popping up at the worst moments, caffeine in hand.

Tam, his morality and emotions. The most into the emo phase out of any of them, since he feels all angst!

Sometimes just hovers and screams. Everyone’s pretty used to this.

Logan: Logan was trying to ignore the things he’d seen

Logan was a scientific guy. He knew that magic wasn’t real, that the fae were just stories.

So, clearly, the nightmarish things he’d seen that night were just that: nightmares. Just nightmares caused by stress over his academic struggles.

That was the immediate problem at hand: academic struggles. Logan was always the top of his class his whole life, and words like “gifted” were thrown around. Lately, however, things have been harder to keep up with and pay attention to, and it’s a bit of a mess.

Logan joined the writing club because he thought it might help him with English class, and he did like speculative fiction.

But, more importantly, he joined it because he thought it would be a simple task he could easily ace, so he wouldn’t have to keep being told that he wasn’t trying.

Logan’s Sides, ranked in order of how much control they have:

Mimir, his logical side. Mimir is pushing himself to take care of all academic matters and keep Logan afloat.

Mimir is over his head, but doesn’t really have anyone to talk to (or so he thinks), so he’s just putting Warby Parkers over his panic and faking cold distance to make everyone think he’s doing okay.

Alastor, his moral side. Half of his job is repressing Logan’s emotions, which isn’t a great thing to be doing, but he think he’s doing it for a good reason.

Kinda strict and blaming Mimir for everything going wrong. He does care about the others, he’s just bad at showing it.

Cassandros, his fears and anxious thoughts. 

This dude-

He’s basically just [puts feet on coffee table] “Hey, did you know everyone hates us?? I made a PowerPoint that proves it!”

He’ll get character development, though.

The Chessmaster, his overdramatic self-preservation.

Tries to be clever, walks into walls.

The Detective, his creative and fanciful side. He wants to swashbuckle, but instead he’s restrained to geometry. 

But now he has a project in the writing club! He has something to do!

And The Mad Scientist is trying to ruin it!

The Mad Scientist, Logan’s dark creativity.

They never used to care about the creative side one way or another. There was no need to make a dark side when it was already looked down upon.

Now, however, there are things in Logan’s mind that he’s trying not to think about, and so the Mad Scientist has joined the fray.

The Actual Plot

This is going to be an actual fic that I write. So, I’m not going to fill out the entire plot here.

I can, however say a few of the plot lines

Plot One: Everyone’s sides are in a state of constant screaming and must learn to communicate.

They also need to let their main guys figure out they have soulmates, because they’re all repressing that information for their own reasons.

Plot Two: LAMP in a writing club, falling in love and being disturbed by first drafts!

Plot Three: The fae are kidnapping people.

And everyone needs to get them to Stop.

I guess you could call this a trailer??

I JUST REALLY LIKE THIS IDEA

[benkouji726]

So I wrote my 5+1 Forlex fic, as I was saying earlier. I really lack impulse control when it comes to rnm, sigh.

Jealous Guerin may have some appearances in this fic too, but it’s eventually Forlex. 

This is the first part of it. I will try to update it daily, before I lose my nerves.

Five times Alex surprised Forrest and one time he didn’t

1.

It was supposed to be some harmless fun, at first.

Forrest was intuitive, to put it mildly. You didn’t grow up in a Long household and become this well-liked and popular family member by being dense, especially when you were gay. Besides, his gut feeling had saved him more times than he could count in battles, it was one of the reasons his buddies trusted him with their lives.

He was very good at reading people and situations around or between them. He didn’t always care what people thought of him, of others or of themselves, but he noticed all the same and would efficiently use that information to his advantage. Call it his people skills, but it was how he managed to live through his rebellious youth period, his military years, and now his adult life in a backwards town like Roswell, while never stopped being his colorful-haired, emo-poetry-writing, 20 pounds of personality in a 5 pound pocket-sized body self.

So he had known there was something between Alex and Alien Guy even when they first met at the Long farm. As they talked, it was like there were only them in the whole world. The air seemed thicker and more tangible, the atmosphere charged. Then at the diner, Forrest noticed the meaningful glance Alien Guy shot his way. When Alex sang that song, Guerin walked in and they seemed to have some soul searching conversations through their eyes only, well, it was really not that hard a guess who the song was for. And frankly, Alex needed to work on his poker face a LOT if he was ever gonna sell that obvious “it was a long time ago” lie.

But at the time, it hadn’t really mattered. Whatever it was between them, it seemed neither of them was going to make a move. And Alex was so hot sometimes he wondered how the hell he remained single in the first place, but he WAS single, and a smart guy like Forrest was never gonna miss out a perfectly good opportunity to make out with a hot guy and have some fun time with him.

It was supposed to be just like that, some fun, some company, some glorious make out sessions. Nothing heavy or potential heartbreak or anything.

Which was probably why he didn’t even realize he was falling for Alex until it was a bit of too late.

They were dating for two months at that point. Forrest had met almost all of Alex’s friends and family members (the ones who counted as friends and family in Alex’s book anyway), minus Michael Guerin. And Forrest had won them over one by one. He once overheard Liz call him “charming, funny, honest and loyal to a fault”, to a reluctant Isobel Evans, who had been giving him stink eyes ever since he and Alex had gone out, but in their last get-together thingy (Forrest honestly didn’t know how to call these, because they were irregular as fuck, both in schedule and in attending member counts), Isobel joined him at the bar when he was getting them the last round, considered him for a second, patted him on his shoulder without looking at him and said in a small but genuine voice: “You are not half bad”. So Forrest would call it a win.

In hindsight, it should have been his first warning sign that he cared so much of what Alex’s friends think of him. But in his defense, Alex was most at ease when he was with his friends, which meant he would always be sweet, adorable, sometimes sassy, sometimes soft, and had the unique sense of humor in a deadpan way, and Forrest was too busy being charmed to notice it.

So when his platoon buddies, Tony and Chris, came into town to visit him and he brought Alex to have a beer together, he was so caught off guard when Alex went to bathroom and Tony said:

“Man, you’re so gone on him, aren’t you.”

It wasn’t even a question.

Forrest spluttered, red faced, and said, eloquently: “uh, what?”

Tony and Chris changed a look, both amused. “You’ve been staring at him all night, Long. You look at him as if he hung the moon. You can’t seem to keep your hands to yourself, not to be PDA or something, but little touches, I think you didn’t even notice. He made a joke earlier, granted, it WAS hilarious, but the way you laughed, like you think he is the most funny guy in the whole world, which, no offense, is really not the case.”

Tony drank some water after his long ass bullshit, and Chris went in for a final blow. “So in conclusion, you’ve had it bad, dude, like, we’ve-never-seen-you-like-this level bad.”

Forrest was dumbstruck at that. He must’ve seemed like a dumbass too, because they decided to take pity on him, and changed the subject.

“Anyway, you know we’ve been relocated to the nearby base, Tobias and Leo are near enough too. The others all cashed in some long-overdue vacation days so we can have a little get together for our platoon in Santa Fe next month. You should come too.”

OK, that was exciting news. He missed his buddies and would be very happy to spend some time with them.

But Tony hesitated a little before continued: “There is a catch though. We thought it would be nice that we all bring our significant others, or even our children. So it would be a more family style setting. It may not be your thing.”

The thing was, it would totally be Forrest’s thing. He just didn’t know how to say it. With his platoon buddies, he always seemed like the free spirited lone wolf, easygoing, open and honest, but never the one to talk about family issues or kids problems with. But he would enjoy being surrounded by family love and loud but innocent kids, so he opened his mouth to just say that when he was interrupted by a light laugh.

“What are you guys talking about, family and kids and platoon buddies all under the same roof? It’s totally his thing.”

Forrest was startled, both by Alex’s sudden reappearance and his seemingly psychic ability to read his mind. When he remained silent a second too long, Alex apologized.

“Sorry, did I overstep? You actually don’t want to go or...?”

“No! I mean, yes, I wanna go. I just, something they said earlier, it was a lot to unpack. But you are right, I would love to go.” Well, it wasn’t exactly a lie.

Alex didn’t seem to buy it, but he was kind enough to drop it at the time.

On their drive home though, Alex picked it up again, as Alex would do, because he was a stubborn son of bitch like that.

“You wanna talk about what happened earlier?”

Forrest sighed. Best to just cut to the chase.

“Why did you say it was totally my thing? We didn’t often talk about family and kids, if any.”

Alex frowned, “No, we didn’t normally talk about that stuff. But it’s obvious you like family energy and friendly gatherings, isn’t it? Am I not supposed to know that?”

“But how? I served with my buddies for a long time, we trust each other with our lives. But almost none of them know it.”

“Forrest”, Alex smiled, “you like almost all of your family members, stay friends with a lot of them, despite some of them are real assholes. You even like hanging out with my friends and family too, not just because we are dating, but because you love being around people who give you warm family-like feelings. You organize every open mic night at the pony, and are genuinely interested in the acts and the people behind them, you like to talk to them about their lives and their relationships. You volunteer at the youth shelter. You are, simply put, a people person. You like people, you see good in them, you want to be around them and be a positive influence for them. You don’t necessarily tolerate stupid bigots, and you would be the first to call out their cowardice, but if they are willing to change and be better, you would want to believe in them too.”

He exhaled, oblivious of Forrest’s stunned expression, and continued.

“For a man who has that big a heart, I’d imagine spending some time with his buddies and their families would totally be his thing, don’t you agree?”

“Yeah, but...”

“And there’s also your poetry.”

Forrest was getting whiplash tonight, he could hardly keep up.

“My poetry?”

“Yeah, you gave me your emo poetry journal the other day and asked for my opinion?”

“I remember that. In fact, I remember it was a week ago and I still haven’t got any feedback yet.” If he was being honest, he would say he had been a little hurt by that too.

Alex’s face turned a shade pink. “I know I was being a little slow. But I just want to do them justice, you know? I’ve been reading each of them multiple times, so I can get the gist right.”

OK, hurt instantly healed. He really should be concerned how Alex’s words could so easily affect his mood.

“Anyway, the poems you wrote, they are all very pro-humanity, at least in my opinion. Like, the themes vary, some about personal journeys, some about lost love, some about struggling life, some about anger and pain. But the words have something like warmth attached to them, like despite all, there’s hope, and there’s good, in people, in humanity, in the whole world.”

He looked down at his hands then, voice quiet.

“And that’s the thing I like most about you.”

Shit.

“Shit”, It was definitely too soon, but Forrest just can’t not say it. “I think I might be falling for you.”

Alex looked at him right then, hesitated then determined: “I don’t think I’m there yet. But I think I could see myself heading down that road someday.”

He added in a more unsure voice: “Is that OK?”

Forrest reached out, squeezed his hand, and reassured him: “It’s OK”.

And it really was.

[thepinkcar]

The TC Gift Exchange

words: 2K

note: I started this a year ago as a joke but then after some thought the idea grew on me. Enjoy my weird brain.

Timothée found himself in an abandoned storage lot, sitting inside his aunt’s Toyota Camry while he tried to push down the impulse to scream. The location had been the address on a note he had received prior. The handwriting was unsettlingly familiar and read:

Honorable Timothée,

It wold be an honor to have your company at the location inscribed on December 31st close to midnight. Please bring a gift to exchange during the celebration. We hope to see you there.

In retrospect, showing up at all had been a grave mistake. He probably wouldn’t have if he hadn’t desperately craved space from the New Years rager. The holiday season had been a well-desired break from the prying eyes of the public. Unfortunately it also meant an unwavering devotion to every friend and family gathering that could be stuffed into his schedule.

So here he was, risking a shoot out (or more likely, stabbing) on New Years Eve. Just as he had resolved to turn around and leave, there was a knock on his car window. A young man with long curly dark hair waved at him to get out and Timothée sighed, quickly complying. The man’s hair obscured his face, but Timothée felt a chill run down his spine once he spoke.

“You’re Timothée, right?” Timmy nodded slowly. “Is that French, ‘cause that’d be hella tight.”

Timothée froze, finally taking in the thick American accent. “Did you just say ‘hella tight’?” he whispered. The man ignored the question, instead turning towards him and offering a hand. Timothée shook it hesitantly as he tried to find the the gall to look up. 

“‘Name’s Kyle. Nice to meet you, Tim-o-tay.” Timmy looked up so fast he was almost surprised not to feel any whiplash. When he saw his own face he screamed. 

“What the fuck! What the fuck is happening? Is this some sick joke?” Timothée screeched. Kyle sighed apathetically, pulling a hand-rolled cigarette from his pocket and lighting it. Timothée continued to stare at him bug-eyed, half expecting him to glitch or evaporate from his vision when he woke up from this nightmare. 

“Dude, chill. It’s not that weird,” Kyle mumbled, taking another hit. Timothée remained frozen and Kyle sighed again. “It’s too fucking cold for this shit. C’mon, we’re going inside and you better have your gift on you.”

Kyle took a step towards Timmy and Timmy flinched. Aggravated, Kyle grabbed Timmy’s forearm and pulled him inside one of the storage buildings.

The inside of the building was surprisingly cozy with the halls decorated vibrantly for Christmas. Soon they arrived in a room occupied by a Christmas tree, cookies, and an ominous circle of chairs. 

“I have him, so we can get this over with and leave!”

“Apathy has and never will be a good look on you, Kyle,” a new voice said. Timothée turned to meet Elio (or him playing Elio) dressed in his winter time outfit. He tried to set aside the creepiness of Elio’s distressed half-smile that he remembered doing during his takes for the end credits. Elio pulled him into an embrace and Timothée suppressed the urge to wriggle. 

“It’s a joy to meet you,” he said warmly before pulling back. “You’re more handsome than I anticipated.”

“How do you manage to be so narcissistic and so self-deprecating in the same sentence?” Kyle growled. Elio rolled his eyes before taking off his headphones and handing Kyle his walkman. Kyle bitterly put it on before continuing to listen to whatever was playing. 

“What’s going on?” Timmy finally mustered, his throat burning from the screaming. 

“We’re calling it the TC Gift Exchange,” Elio stated simply. “Every year, all of the characters you play come together at an undisclosed location and give each other gifts before departing back into our separate universes.”

Timothée stared at Elio in bewilderment before bursting into laughter. Elio watched him in confusion. 

“Is everything alright?”

“Of course! It’s just that my dopplegangers have teamed up to make me feel insane. Excellent work, but I think this can stop now.”

“It’s true,” two voices say. Tim and Elio turn to face a Billy from Miss Stevens and Zac from One and Two. They both have a cookie in hand with same amount of bites taken. Tim gulps.

“Each year, the universe of the most successful part that year is where we host,” Billy explains. “Last year we partied in Crema…”

“The year before that we had to do it in the ass crack of no where,” Zac mutters. 

“Hey! That spot was next to the road that I sang with Miss Stevens in the car on the way to that theatre conference. And you’re being out of character!”

“Well I’m sorry if I’ve been cranky considering my house was burned to bits!” Zac sneers.

“Boys! You’re literally the same persona set in two different storylines. Find your zen,” Elio says, immediately cringing. “I’m starting to sound like Kyle.”

Timothée shakes his head and moves to take a seat in the circle. The others soon follow suit taking their respective seats that are conveniently in chronological order. Timothée takes the opportunity to take in the others (he’s still deciding whether or not to refer to them as individuals) profiles. Elio sat two spaces to the right of him next Kyle and another doppelgänger that Timothée could only assume to be Daniel from Hot Summer Nights based solely off the fact that he wouldn’t stop rocking back and forth.

Billy and Zac buddy up next to one another beside Daniel, followed by an awkward looking Charlie Cooper and roughed up Jace. Timothée cringed at the familiar backwards cap sitting on Jace’s head next to him. He turned to Elio who had busked himself switching the tape out of his Walkman for Kyle. “This isn’t everyone is it?”

Elio raised a brow but didn’t break his focus. “What do you mean? Timothée bit his lip. He didn’t want to come off arrogant, ironically.

“There’s do roles missing from the circle.”

“Not everyone comes every year. Some are on probation,” Kyle said matter-of-factly. Timothée rolled his eyes. He forgot how much of a douche Kyle was meant to be.

“Some aren’t old enough to come, so we mail them their gifts,” Elio finished.

“But how do you send mail to a completely different universe?”

“You’re asking too many questions. Why is he asking so many questions?” Daniel grumbled, crazed eyes now trained on Timothée. Timothée felt his hands clam up more than they already had. 

“Danny, be civil,” Elio warned, giving him a cautious pat on the back. Kyle rolled his eyes.

“We mail them the same way we’re all able to gather with you tonight. Dumbass.” Timmy nodded slowly, surveying the room of doppelgängers. The more he looked at them the less anxious he became about seeing them, which only made him more anxious about how quickly he was acclimating to his Stockholm of a situation.

“What about the ones on—“

“Probation? We try to keep the celebration to main characters only, since we’re not exactly rolling in it, y’know?” Billy quipped, jumping in before Elio had a chance. “Then some people…”

“Nic can’t come because technically he’s a fictionalized real person,” Elio cut in once again, shooting Billy a cool look.

“And he’s a drug addict,” Kyle muttered.

“Recovering addict.”

“What’s the difference? There’s only one guy missing but I don’t really care if he’s here or not. I’m not a big fan of monarchy or oligarchy or government institutions—“

“—or the government?” Timothée cut in knowingly. Kyle smiled.

“See he gets it.”

A crash of metal silences the room’s chatter. After a moment of silence another doppelgänger, this time with a stylish bowl cut appears. Timothée shivers at the memory of his lost locs. Kyle scowls while Elio beams. The others arrange their reactions neatly between the two margins.

“Hello everyone. I hope you can pardon my lateness. I struggled to drag this sorry lot to the TC Exchange,” Hal declared, ceremoniously dragging in Gatsby Welles from the he-who-shall-not-be-named movie about rain. It was Elio’s turn to grimace while Kyle smirked.

“No foul, your highness. Be seated here. As for him…”

“We can’t keep blacklisting him, Elio.”

“His film didn’t even hit theaters! Mine has an Oscar, Kyle. An Oscar!” 

“You mean the award you campaign for?”

“I don’t mind.” The room turned to Timothée who had chosen to slump comfortably in his seat. He decided to sit up for the sake of his point. “I chose to play him. He still means a lot to me.”

“He’s just Kyle wearing a blazer!”

“He’s more complex than that, Elio.”

“No one if knows what he’s supposed to be like because it’s impossible to watch the movie!” Elio whined. Timothée moved to respond when a familiar click is heard from across the room. They froze to face Jace holding his signature hand gun.

“You better shut your ass, Elliot! Just because you like dick doesn’t mean you get to make all the rules. The man of the hour said he wants Gatsby to stay, so Gatsby’s staying!”

“While I try not to condone violence, unless my advisors misadvise me, I have to agree with as the kids might say Soulja Boy over there,” Hal added causing Elio to crumple further into his seat.  Timothée frowned.

“I understand why you’re upset, Elio. He somehow managed to write a poetry collection during this whole exchange. But I still wanna keep him if we’re gonna be here.”

“I’m gonna name this last one after you, Elio,” Gatsby said softly. Elio gives a small smile.

“Okay.”

“Thank god,” Kyle sighed, “Can we get our gifts now? I don’t want to ring in the new decade with you lot.”

❄️❄️❄️

After an hour of mingling with his counterparts, the goodbyes tugged a bit on Timothée’s heart strings. He learned so much about everyone as far as the group dynamic went. He learned Kyle and Elio were actually quite close considering how much they seemed to rag on each other.

“You should have seen him the first year. An antisocial mess,” Elio reminisced fondly.

“That’s before a realized you have taste. I wouldn’t have shown up again if you hadn’t,” Kyle admitted begrudgingly.

Timothée also learned that while most of his characters felt similar, after two minutes of conversation the differences became glaring. Except for Billy and Zac. They were essentially the same person.

“I hope one day I’ll get a box of serotonin for Christmas,” Billy joked. Zac gasped.

“I asked for a bottle of Serotonin for my birthday!”

As Timothée walked back to his Aunt’s Camry with Hal, he couldn’t fight off the smile that kept creeping onto his face. Hal side-eyed him in solent satisfaction.

“Will we be seeing you again next year? I’m sure Elio wouldn’t mind providing free transit to space.”

“I’ll have to think about it,” Timothée chuckled. “This was…nice. Like really nice. It makes me kinda glad to be an actor. In an unnerving way.”

“I couldn’t have asked for better casting. Next year should be nice since Laurie will be able to come. I think him and Elio will get on nicely, then maybe…”

“Then maybe he’ll stop flirting with you? Still not sure how I feel about that,” Timothée mumbled with a shudder. The man really needs his Oliver.

“Don’t worry yourself about it. I only have one thing to request of you good sir.” Timothée raised a brow, trying not to fidget under Hal’s intense gaze. “Please, consider doing a comedic role in the future. We could use someone to shake things up around here.” The two of them smiled before bursting into fits of laughter.

“You’ve got it King!”

“No, you’re the king today. Drive safe and we’ll see you next time.” Hal walked back into the abandoned hall while Timothée sat down in his car and prepared to drive back. Maybe in the morning he’d wake up from a highly elaborate dream, but for now he could hang on to the feeling of gratitude and appreciation.

[himbowelsh]

Your writing is amazing! Could you please add David Webster to the valentines head canon list? 💝

valentines day alphabet  ( accepting! )

A   :   AFFECTION.   how does your muse show affection?

He leaves notes around the house. Sweet things, like ‘I’ll be thinking of you all day’ or ‘I wanted so badly to kiss you this morning’  ---  or even something simple as ‘Left you a smoothie in the fridge, love you’.  It’s a silly thing, and a few have gotten crumpled or swept into the trash before his partner noticed, but it’s just a way for them to know he’s thinking of them. He’s not very physically affectionate, and while he can (and has) professed his love a thousand different ways, words just don’t feel like enough. Notes are tangible, something to hold on to and tuck away to look over on a rainy day.

B   :   BOUQUET.   does your muse like flowers? which ones are their favourite?

Please, his family’s had a personal florist for ages. He might not know how to pick out flowers himself  ---  the best he can do is identify them, but he doesn’t know how to take care of them, or which flowers look good together   ---   but he can order up a gorgeous bouquet for any occasion.

C   :   CHOCOLATE.   does your muse like chocolate? which one is their favourite?

He doesn’t mind it. Milk chocolate only, please, and in small quantities, otherwise it makes him queasy. To be honest, he doesn’t trust himself with boxes of chocolate, so tries to avoid them.

D   :   DATE.   what is your muse’s ideal date? where / who with / etc?

Let’s go out sailing! Oh gosh, if a person hasn’t seen David sailing, they haven’t truly seen him. He’s in his element on the water. Never is his grin broader, his eyes brighter, his shirt looser...  he loves being out on the waves so much. Being out there with someone he loves sounds like heaven. God, he would love to show his partner the ropes  ---  literally  ---  to introduce them to his boat and teach them how to sail. If they handle themselves well on the waves, he’ll definitely fall a little in love.

E   :   EMBRACE.   does your muse like hugs? what are their hugs like?

Depends who the hug is comping from. Web can be picky. Sometimes Hoobler just grabs him and he stays there like a spike in the ground until he’s done  ---  David much prefers seeking out the hug first, at least initiating it. His hugs are gentle, not too intrusive, clearly meant to share comfort rather than offer anything. He’s fond of rubbing someone’s shoulders.

F   :   FLIRT.   is your muse good at flirting? how do they flirt?

David is well-spoken, handsome, and can be profoundly charming at the right moments. He’s probably better at flirting after a glass of champagne, but can usually handle himself. Of course, he’s not always great at reading the room, so some occasional blunders can’t be helped.

G   :   GIFT.   is your muse good at gift - giving or do they struggle to get it right?

It’s definitely a struggle, but David wants to get it right  ---  and he puts a lot of effort into it. While he’s not above just asking, to know point-blank what they want, then he has to get the best version of that thing possible. He’ll search for hours to find exactly the right gift...  and even if he ended up getting a hair straightener instead of curling iron, or a the wrong brand of toy, all that heart still shines through.

H   :   HEART.   is your muse quick or slow to give their heart away?

David is...  that really weird type of impulsive where he thinks everything through, until he doesn’t. Those impulsive moments are his greatest successes or greatest failures. He doesn’t mean to fall in love quickly, but the moment he realizes he’s in, he’s all in. His heart isn’t easily dissuaded.

I    :   I LOVE YOU.   does your muse find ‘i love you’ easy or hard to say?

Words are easy; these three particular words, not so much. He’s really got to fight his way to a place where he feels confident in saying them...  and even then, they’d stall on his tongue, because he’s really not sure his partner will say them back. No matter how fiercely he loves them, there’s always that little shred of uncertainty...  and to get past it, Web probably ends up blurting “I love you” at an unexpected time. It’s not how he planned on doing it at all, not half as romantic as it should be...  but once that wall’s been bulldozed through, and his partner says it back, suddenly it’s easy to say all the time.

J   :   JEALOUSY.   does your muse get jealous in a relationship?

Quite. He just...  doesn’t like seeing other people encroaching on the person he loves, and if he has to make that displeasure known, he will. David’s style is subtle and public. He’ll lace hands or pull his partner closer during a night out, occasionally pressing a kiss to their cheek  ---   just close enough to their neck to give a thrill, reminding them that they’re his, and he’s right here. He’s not really vocal about it, but his jealousy sends a message.

K   :   KISS.   is your muse a good kisser? why / why not?

David is… an inquisitive kisser. He likes to test his partner’s limits, exploring their mouth like a born scientist. He charts the groves of their lips with his own, memorized their taste, sucks gently just to gauge their reaction… and the more encouragement they give him, the more adventurous he’s willing to get. Needs to have his partner close, right against him while they’re kissing. If they get too into it, he’ll start grinding unconsciously; god forbid it gets pointed out, cause he’ll turn five shades of red at once.

L   :   LOVE.   who does your muse love?

Sharks, sharks, sharks sharks sharks  ---  EVERYBODY!    (No, okay, he’s the sort of pretentious to say “my first love will always be my craft” while glowering at a novel draft he hasn’t touched in three months, but...  he really does love his family, no matter how often he bickers with them. Web’s the sort of person who absolutely cherishes his friends, and takes them very deep into his heart. He loves whatever he’s passionate about, be they people, things, or ideas.)

M   :   MOONLIGHT.   is morning or night a more romantic setting?

He loves early morning; it’s the epitome of serene tranquility, the point of existence all humans should aspire to. The sun breaking over the horizon illuminates a person’s truest self. Too bad he’s a horrible morning person who resents dragging himself out of bed any time before 9am. If people are their truest selves at dawn, Webster’s a feral rat who just won a fight for the last pizza crust on the subway.

N   :   NAUGHTY.   what is your muse like in bed?

There’s a lot of hip action; David grinds without meaning to, rolling and writhing on instinct alone. It serves him well when he actually puts it to use, hands locked around his partner’s waist as they roll like a ship on high seas. No matter what, David needs to be holding his partner, anchoring himself — it lets him feel in-control, even in a situation where he’s utterly out of it. A very expressive lover — his facial expressions are obscene, holding nothing back — and a furiously intense kisser. During the act, he loves to be working at his partner’s neck, pressing deep kisses into the flesh there… because meeting their eyes overwhelms him too easily. Good luck getting him to keep quiet. He gasps and moans, sometimes going to the effort to muffle himself against the back of his own hand, but usually not bothering. At his peak, his entire body arches, muscles going tense, and he can never restrain a moan as he slowly comes down.

O   :   ODE.   does your muse have a way with words?

Absolutely  ---  though he thinks he’s a lot better at love poetry than he actually is. It’s a work in progress. David is an eloquent and spellbinding speaker, especially when his words come straight from the heart. He’s excellent at expressing what he feels.

P   :   PARTNER.   what does your muse look for in a partner? looks / personality?

He’s drawn to very vibrant people  ---  people who seem to light up a room when they walk in, people with a slight current of energy to them. Like any artist, David craves inspiration...  so he seeks out people who can provide him with it. Maybe someone who enjoys reading, who can carry on intellectual discussions with him  ---  but also someone who can debate and challenge him when he’s too set in his own ideas. Someone with an adventurous spirit. Someone who can play nicely around his parents, and looks great in formal wear. Caring about the environment is a must. Someone who...  will take an interest in the things he’s passionate about, but also has their own passions which they care about deeply.

Q   :   QUESTION.   would your muse ask the big question or expect their partner to?

The problem with David is that...  he thinks. Too much. Overthinker extraordinaire. He wants to consider all the possible alternatives before making a big life decision, which often leads to him not making that decision at all. Pretty much every big leap he takes is on impulse, and he handles the fallout later. He’s never expect his partner too, but, frankly, would be better off it they did. When he does drop the question, it’ll probably be impulsively, with some grand poetic declaration, and possibly a ring improvised with whatever’s onhand. He’s got a rich family, they’ll get a nice diamond later.

R   :   ROMANCE.   is your muse a romantic or a cynic?

He’s got a romantic soul, even if acknowledging it makes him feel like a fool. He knows better, after all. The world is not a kind place to those who leave their hearts open, inviting happiness like sweet deliverance when pain so often disguises itself as pleasure...  but he likes the idea of love. It would be nice. He wants to fall in love, he wants to be in love, and he wants to finally understand what so many writers are obsessed with. He wants the sort of love you fill books with.

S   :   SWEETHEART.   did your muse have a childhood sweetheart?

If you subscribe to the “kids only bully other kids because they like them” line of thinking...  sure. Lil’ David had  t o n s  of admirers.

T   :   TRUE LOVE.   does your muse believe in true love?

I reiterate: “He wants the sort of love you fill books with.” Maybe it doesn’t exist anywhere outside of fiction, and in the minds of some...  very questionable historical lovers  (Bonnie and Clyde, F Scott and Zelda, Percy and Mary Shelley)  but he’s open to being proven wrong.

U   :   UNREQUITED.   has your muse had their heart broken?

Everyday, by the unrelenting oppression of human cruelty. And the fact that sharks are nonironically viewed as monsters by the general public. And the fact that people don’t see knowledge as the bright light illuminating the path to the future? Or the fact that people don’t realize that if you don’t remember your history you’re doomed to repeat it? Or the fact that some people genuinely like pineapple on pizza  ----     He’s a sensitive boy.

V   :   VALENTINE.   how does your muse feel about valentine’s day?

It’s a capitalist scheme to sell a frightening amount of chocolate boxes and prey on the vulnerabilities of single people. He’s against it on principle. Couples can have romantic dates any day of the year, what’s so special about this one?  (Still, get him roses, he’ll be thrilled.)

W  :   WEDDING.   would your muse get married? why / why not?

He...  goes back and forth. It’s what his parents really want for him, which is almost enough reason for him to never want to...  but he’s got a sense of obligation, too, so maybe. But what if it’s a mistake? What if he doesn’t truly love the person? What if he thinks he loves them, but one day wakes up and realizes it was all an illusion? What if they fall out of love with him? What if ---

He wants to, deep down. Once he finds the right partner, all those anxieties will fade away. It’s really just the not knowing what to expect that worries him.

X   :   XOXO.   does your muse use / like pet names?

He’s not excessive about them   ----   “darling”  and  “sweetheart”  being his biggest offenses   ---   but also isn’t above literary allusions.  “You’re the Hermia to my Lysander” / “The Isolde to my Tristan” / “The Zelda to my F. Scott”, at which point he’s earned any eyerolls he gets.

Y   :   YOURS.   does your muse get protective easily?

Definitely. How willing he is to fight over it is directly proportional to how much alcohol is in his system, or how egregious the offense is   ---   some things will send him feral, alcohol or not. Like insulting his partner outright, or grabbing at them? Web doesn’t stand for that. While he’ll usually try to diffuse a situation just by taking his partner and ducking out, or maybe trying to talk it through, if he sees shit like that, he’ll snap. There’s a lot more fight in him than one would assume at first glance.

Z   :   ZZZ.   how many people has your muse slept with?

Well, he’s had a few girlfriends back in college, but nothing obscene. David really keeps to himself. He’s had maybe… two or three partners beforehand, so it’s not like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he doesn’t really know… all the ins-and-outs yet. (Make of that what you will.)

[fallingin-like]

an aftg fanfic appreciation post

the other day at work i saw something about fanfiction writer appreciation day and told myself “ah i will make a post when i get home” and immediately Did Not Do That. so i’m doing it now! first, thank you to everyone who writes fanfiction! it’s such an honour to be able to read your writing and i am so grateful to the writers who spend so much time and effort into creating these stories. i do not deserve such amazing content and yet i have it. also thanks to nora for this wonderful series which has changed my life in so many ways. 

these are in no particular order. i really tried to tone down my ‘i love you so much and really want to be friends with you’ vibe but i don’t think it worked. this is a super long post and i still didn’t get to say everything i wanted to.

some  fics/series that need more love (aka they have under 350 kudos)

to the south by Morcai - this is a series (never to be caught and secret, safe, close to the door) that was really cool to read. it has elements of the Iskryne Series which i don’t know anything about, but apparently has to do with bondwolves. basically, neil has a wolfbrother who he can speak to telepathically which is written in a really unique way, through interesting phrases and scent-based nicknames for people. i’ve never read anything like these fics and i adore them

all that we see or seem by rorschachs - an inception au. need i say more? this fic flows well, has good use of flashbacks, and an amazing ending. it’s ~23,000 words but feels like much less due to nice pacing and an interesting take on this au

Travelers by @sunrise-and-death ​ - a series (Placeless Destination and Moving Towards) that’s a soulmate au. soulmates can interact through a pyschic bond that allows it to seem like the other person is there with them. neil and andrew meet when they are young and it’s so interesting seeing them get to know each other at this age. we also get to see some neil/mary angst and all of the terrible things happen to andrew. an intense series that manages to feel light-hearted at the same time. the second fic in this series is incomplete

atlas by @purearcticfire ​ / @pipedream-truths ​ - a magic au that features shapeshifters and a cursed neil, so immediately you know i’ll like it. this fic has some cool uses of italics, caps, spacing, etc. that creates a stylized story that helps build tone and gives the story a clearer voice. unfortunately, i can’t tell too much detail about my favourite parts because it they are *ultra spoilers* so i’ll just say, it gets so intense at the end. just trust me about this. ao3 says it’s incomplete (4/5 chapters) but it seems complete to me. also, at ~72,000 words, it’s a pretty hefty fic

Golden Keys and Gray Lines by @wouldyoulightmycandle ​ - just a feel-good post-canon fic that involves a road trip, an ice cream museum, and a bit of Working Through Rough Times. super cute! this fic is incomplete

some authors i just really love and appreciate (you probably already know them and if you don’t then idk what you’re doing)

all of these writers have serious talent that make it look easy to write fanfiction. it’s not easy. you guys have all of my love. all of it.

@nakasomethingkun ​ /  ephemeralsky - basically i just see their name and automatically click the fic without bothering to fully read the tags or summary. they have never let me down and i adore the way they write. everything they write is an easy read and i always come back to their fics. i was going to mention my favourites and then i realized i was going to list everything they’ve written for aftg and i’m not even kidding. funny, angst, fluff, everything you could want in a fic they have it. so so good i actually don’t know how to describe it. their fics break my heart and then put it back together a little bit different so that even after i am finished reading and continue with the rest of my life, i feel different. they make me hurt in a way i didn’t know that i could like. this quality of fic has me scrolling back to the top to reread it the second i finish. what in the world they’re so good.

@annawrites ​ / moonix - 50 aftg fics. that’s actually crazy. and all of them are so high quality and there is such a variety. flower shop/tattoo parlor au? one of my favourite series ever. high school au? of course it includes 4 fully complete fics. shapeshifter au? amazingly done. scott pilgrim vs the world au? so good that i went out and watched the movie for the first time (i am not even joking). i was looking through all the fics and just started rereading them, i just can’t help myself. they describe everything in a way that makes their stories unique, but doesn’t seem like they’re trying too hard. or at all. their fics flow so well and every sentence is a gem. i read and reread so carefully to make sure i don’t miss a thing, but always find myself catching new jokes and quirks.

@lolainslackss ​ / lolainslackss - i really don’t know where to start. once again, i just really love all of their fics. i started scrolling through their works too see if i had a favourite and could not even choose a top 5. their writing is so beautiful i can’t get enough. they always choose the best things to include. selective mutism and sign language? that’s a sure way into my heart. the suit shop au is adorable and pining andrew really is best andrew. i found exycast surprisingly late in my fanfiction reading and that is a real tragedy because it’s amazing and really cute. the soulmate timer fic is an old favourite and if i’m looking for angst, i know i can pull it up.

@gluupor ​ / gluupor - an absolute legend. with 54 fics for aftg, it’s amazing that all of them are outrageously funny, entertaining, and just really well written. a lot of them are fics adapted as an au for other fandoms (like their super popular brooklyn 99 au that i absolutely adore) and they are all hilarious. it’s so fun to search for familiar quotes or realize how similar characters from different fandoms are to the foxes and the quirks they share. these are fics that will definitely cheer you up. i love their sense of humour, it fits the characters so well and helps to shape the world they’re writing in. it’s always exciting to see them publish a new fic.

@idnis ​ / idnis - they have a really unique writing style, i’ve never seen anything like it in this fandom. every story has so much care and love in it that’s evident through the small details that you only pick up through rereading. their stories are stylized with spaces and formatting that help guide the reader and adds to the tone of their stories. i fell so in love with their cat!neil. they write such interesting stories, have original plots, and their fics read like poetry. before you know it, you’ve finished the fic without realising you should have gone to bed an hour ago. they also have some amazing original work that everyone should go check out!

@badacts ​ / badacts - so recently a lot of their fics were made visible to ao3 users only (a shame in my opinion) so if you haven’t read their fics, go make an account! or log into your account! you really don’t want to miss these fics. they have a kid fic where both andrew and neil are baby versions of themselves so it’s obviously one of the best things ever. they who made you/they made me too is so good even the title is enough to make me feel. there’s introspection and realization and it’s from aaron’s perspective. i love seeing the twinyards bond. and, of course we have to mention the terra firma series because i love injured!neil and this one hits me in a different way. i love the way the abrupt transition into injury for neil and being able to experience the confusion and not knowing what’s happening with him.

iaquilam - they have posted 2 fics for aftg and they are some of my favourites in this fandom. this has amazing characterization, neil and andrew and everyone feel so real and so true and i love them. a mouthy, raven neil is one of the best types of neil. they write from andrew’s perspective and i cannot believe have well they capture him and his thoughts. quotes that have stuck with me “there’s more than one way of getting what you want”, “’he hurts,’ kevin says. ‘it hurts”, “you will be afraid and you will do it anyway”, and “to keep living. until i don’t”. also i think that andrew with synesthesia in where everything is good fits so perfectly. the idea that andrew has something so unique ahh i love. “your voice was the first blue one i ever saw” makes everything around me go quiet.

@jemejem ​ / jemejem - first of all i am really loving the radio show ficlet that’s being posted on tumblr. i’m a sucker for breakup fics, especially cheating fics (because i need angst) so only was the find of the century. it’s a fic where no matter how many times i’ve read it, i still feel gutted and achy reading it. their recent fic, the sound, was really interesting and i loved the later chapters so much but can’t share because of *spoilers*

undertow - okay so they also only have 2 aftg fics but oh my goodness they are so good. tenuous is one of my most reread fics, i love the concept, interactions between all the characters, how i feel like i’m there with them, and their descriptions. one of my favourite lines are “The sink turns on; water smacks against the bottom of its metallic basin. It feels—well. It just feels.” ugh i don’t know why i like it so much i just do. it fits so perfectly. and i can totally imagine kevin and neil being super petty in their love song writing, this fic is such a contrast to the other one and yet still so good.

@broship-addict ​ / broship_addict - kid!au! oh my goodness ice cream au! ahh they’re so good at writing cute fluff that has such good characterization that they’ve adapted perfectly into whatever au they have written. and at the same time impulse hit me in a different kind of way. what a joy to read, i love witnessing the ways that andrew and neil come together in all of their fics. also i really can’t not mention their amazing artwork. so grateful to have them contributing so much to this fandom

@unkingly / vicariously kingly - bless these fics. i don’t know anyone that doesn’t love a good de-aged neil fic and this really does The Most for that trope. also can i just say that callboy!neil was a thing i didn’t know i needed in my life but now i don’t know how i lived without it. also mermaid!neil?? yes please. i adore the way they write andriel. their fics are angsty and never fail to make me feel something, often a little bit raw in a good way. latchkey child wrecked me. i felt like i had been scraped clean and felt a little bit off for the remaining night and day after. Say Golden, Pony Boy was eerie and just the right amount of mysterious. i was left feeling unsettled in my own home. these fics have delightful endings that leave you satisfied and yet wanting more all the same

@spanglebangle / spanglebangle - i really really cannot get over sunshine and moonlight. it’s such a soft version of neil and andrew’s relationship, i love the direction that was taken and how the boys grew and the changes because they found each other. i love the quote “you like the big gestures and ridiculous things i say. i’m in your head, remember, i know it makes you feel wanted” fox!neil is really so adorable and pure, but also feisty and protective and funny. i would love to see more of this fic. also the elementary au is everything to me. there’s a lot of content and it keeps me interested, but i especially love the later chapters with everything surrounding neil and then even later with andrew wrestling with his feelings. so well written.

@hopingforcoordinates ​ / crazy_like_a - if you haven’t read their fics then ?? i really don’t know what to say since they wrote 3 of the top 5 fics with the most kudos in this fandom. and if you have read their work then we both know why they are being mentioned. i have fallen in love with their take on raven!neil. their writing style feels so simple and natural, which is a real talent. if you’re looking for a more explicit post-canon fic, then lessons is great, just make sure nobody is reading over your shoulder hah

@fuzzballsheltiepants ​ / fuzzballsheltiepants - the iconic a mewment like this series is so funny, sweet, and angsty and features The Cats which is always a good sign. in particular, i loved the conversation about mark rothko and all of the art they looked at in the 6th fic. i don’t know what counts as spoilers so i’ll say thank goodness for neil ‘oblivious’ josten, trivia nights, and the good bad jokes that made this series such an enjoyable read. similarly, you can’t go wrong with the angst that’s sure to come with a fic where andrew gets hurt and doesn’t remember who neil is. or at least, this fic definitely went the opposite of wrong. 

and i really cannot make this post without mentioning the mind-blowing collabs of lolainslackss and moonix to create dating & other disasters and of moonix and gluupor to write No Place Like Home (incomplete). i literally don’t even have words for how excited i was for when i heard of these fics. these collabs are too powerful for this world and if you haven’t read them then i guess you don’t want to enjoy yourself.

as well, additional thanks from this little ace baby to everyone who writes ace!neil or demi!neil. you guys have a special place in my heart.

i tried to find everyone’s tumblr but obviously didn’t succeed. please tag them if i missed them or tagged the wrong account. thanks! i also did not take the time to research pronouns/names so i refer to everyone as ‘they/them’. i know some of the right pronouns/names but it felt wrong to have some of them and not the rest. some of my comments might seem incoherent or repetitive. my apologies for all of this.

also if you go to my ao3 and see that it’s a little bare/notice that i never comment just know that it’s because i am *ultra lazy* and most of the time i cannot be bothered to log into my account. probably commented as raelle instead. or just ‘a’ because i really am That Lazy. or i’m planning on writing an essay for your fic but haven’t gotten around to it and i’m just drafting it in my head every time i reread.

[vanelyreborn]

~☆♡!Name Change!♡☆~

I'm changing the name of the book, doing new things with the theme, and working my hardest yet to make this a reality. Let me explain...

I wrote the mushroom pairing, linking together the poem and its source which was initially meant to be a private journal entry. I loved it, but I knew that it would be the only one of its kind if I tried to fit it in the book. Once I was finished with it, I felt lost without a pen in hand. Like the bummed out feeling of November 1st letting you know Halloween is over. On a much smaller scale, of course. But I had put so much of my focus on Mushroom and, as satisfied as I was to read and share it completed, I was in a funk that it was over and I needed another prompt to pour myself into.

I remembered something I started at least a month or two back about regret and read it over to see if I could build on it. It was really just scribble about a moment of affirmation and only felt profound until I got lost for the words needed to finish it. So far, thankfully, I have been right in assuming that a rewrite of Regret would be worth a shot. I'm having a difficult time with a conclusion that stays on point without rambling too much but I've always had that issue. Good thing about that is that I have a lot of material for content in unfinished pieces. I've gotten a so enamoured with the process of writing these pieces over and over again. Each time, I make improvements until I'm satisfied. From Numb to New was merely a frustrated rant I wrote in the middle of the night until the words themselves helped me pinpoint what made me feel so compelled to start it.

I began realizing, however, that the entries may be good practice for improving the quality of my writing, but I was neglecting the book. The material is good for me, personally, because much of it is me having stern talks with myself or reminding me of my worth and purpose. The words are bringing all my neurotic, jumbled thoughts to life and I'm starting to know who I am for the first time. But it doesn't fit with the theme of the book so I have nowhere to blend it in. How can I fill the book with content if I'm stuck on a side track?

It hit me when Andrew was on call a couple of nights ago. I got to ride along with him and took my notebooks with me to work on Regret. I had the idea to make a series of partner pieces like I did with Mushroom. I was throwing the idea together in that moment so details were far from being worked out. It sounded like a mess of an idea to me, but he thought it was great. Probably because he was just glad to see me smile and get excited about something considering how I've been feeling lately. Plus, he's biased. But he always means the words he chooses when letting me know that he's proud of what I do and of my determination to see it through to the final pages. He never dismisses me or takes the easy way out by appeasing me with what he thinks I want him to say. Unprompted validation from someone who was just saying how they felt and didn't even realize they were giving it can be highly motivating.

So, as I was doing what must have been the 5th or 6th rewrite of Regret today, I thought of a way to give the journal entries their own place.

Lyrics, Limerick, Lillianisms, and So-called Poetry will now include pieces I write to reflect on or represent the lessons I've learned through a self rediscovery at least 15 years into the making and finally taking shape in a way that allows me to be proud of myself.

As for the other reference used for the new name; The symbolism of a lantern and the metaphor comparing it to the light a person offers in our darkest moments was something Andrew made me aware of by saying, since our beginning, that I was his light guiding him out of the dark. And he most certainly returns that sentiment when I struggle with the pits I fall in. This defined our connection so well that I started collecting lanterns to decorate our wedding and, eventually, our home. I think I have more than 20 by now.

The theme of some of the pieces I'm adding prompting the name change will include lessons I learned from influences that, upon reflection, I realize were also sources of light when my outlook was dark or when my knowledge was lacking. I'm hoping for many, if not all of these entries to be paired with corresponding poetry. I got excited when I had the moment of clarity showing me that lanterns and lessons blended perfectly. Not only staying on theme, but also flowing nicely with the rest of the book's current title. I wrote down several options for the new name, changing the order and trying to convince myself that the length wasn't as absurd as my paranoia told me. And unless I cave under the pressure of the my usual fickle, indecisive impulse to change my mind when seeing a different perspective, I believe my favorite has been chosen.

Lyrics, Limericks, Lillianisms, and Poetic Lessons from the Lanterns of Life.

I think I love it. My content options have expanded, the book will have a new and enhanced purpose, and if this pattern continues, I'll be brought to life along with it.

I hope you'll keep watch because I'm finally starting to conjure up motivation and make progress. Regret is so close to complete and from Numb To New could use a rhyme filled partner. I even have a short list of entries waiting in line to be written. Some are just quickly jotted prompt ideas but others are far enough in that they hold their own purpose already.

I know this was lengthy so I appreciate that you took the time to notice.

Have an excellent day and be good to yourself.

~☆ Lillian ☆~

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @minamichan131

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a locomotive shape. that means that you're a very ambitious person, with a lot of energy. jupiter has a big influence on you, and your life revolves around making new experiences, getting to know other cultures and the world in general. you're vedy wise, philosophical and also open-minded, you hardly ever judge a book by its cover. the empty part of your chart is what you have to develop, hence your family, career life and also your view of yourself, your talents, your thoughts and self-confidence.

your dominant planets are mercury, jupiter and saturn. you're particularly intelligent and mature. you're ambitious and hard-working, and you were probably always praised for your brain and your maturity. you may experience lots of karma throughout your life, you need to work hard to receive whatever you want, but when you do you can achieve great success and happiness.

your dominant sign is pisces. you're a genuine, caring person who loves daydreaming, romance and art. it's a sort of way to escape reality, but it gives you an enormous amount of creativity. you also possess a strong intuition, which can make you have a sort of sixth sense.

your dominant element is water. you're very intuitive and empathetic, you care a lot about others, and you may seem like a healer to people you know. in fact, you always try to help them if you can, almost in a therapeutic way. you're also very spiritual, and you're attracted to anything related to discovering your higher self and soul purpose.

🌎 ascendant in cancer, 16° / 2nd decan ruled by the moon and pluto

with your ascendant in the sign of cancer, you appear way more sweet and approachable than your capricorn sun, which is obviously very beneficial for you. being a water sign, cancer risings individuals are very intuitive and emotional, and that is exactly how you approach the world. you rely more on your 6th sense rather than logic, and mixed with your pisces moon you're extremely empathetic. you probably won't relate much to your capricorn section, because while your sun is more cold, the rest of your chart is extremely sensitive and affectionate. you can read people's mood very well, it's easy for you to understand whether someone is sad, angry, happy... because of that, you always try to make people feel at ease, you're always kind with people, and that makes you extremely likeable. also, since cancer is ruled by the moon, you're probably a very genuine person. it's hard for you to hide your real emotions, and even if you wanted to hide them you wouldn't be capable. you could also have frequent mood swings. you have a strong sense of family and comfort to you, and hence it's extremely essential for you feel at ease to truly be yourself. let's suppose you're with a group of friends, and they suddenly bring someone with them that isn't very nice; you would probably get very stiff, and your mood would immediately go down. you also tend to be like a mother / sister to others, you hardly ever have superficial bonds. physically, since cancer is ruled by the moon you may have very round and big features to you; you could have big, watery and round eyes with perfect lashes, a button nose, plump lips... but in your case, there's still something very sharp about your apperance, like a jawline, cheekbones, or even your nose. in addition, you may be petite or average height, and you could bloat easily.

cancer ascendant opposite capricorn mercury: you appear as a very intelligent individual, and people may even feel intimidated by that. you love interacting with others; even if you're not much talkative, you like hearing about others' theories and opinions. you could also do that by reading blogs, books, etc. you may sometimes find yourself in conflict with others, as you’re very opinionated and hate it when others’ opinions are baseless. pretty much, you could seem like a know-it-all. on the other hand, you have a nice sense of humor, you're able to light up the room with your words, even though this quality of yours may be overshadowed by introversion at first. since your mercury is in capricorn, which is ruled by saturn, I assume that you'll only start seeing this quality of yours when you get more mature, after your 25s, and you'll become more extroverted.

cancer ascendant conjunct cancer jupiter: this is another placement that I find extra beneficial considering your saturn dominance. you're very benevolent and supportive of others, you're probably the type of friend who would do anything to help their mates, and you'd do also defend them if necessary. you are fun to be around, you have a nice sense of humor and people just love being around you, you have this particular charisma to you that makes everyone want to stick around you. you're extremely fun to be around, and you may also be very sociable, or at least you have the potential to be. you're probably very lucky, you may come across extremely beneficial opportunities in your life, and that's actually your way to achieve the best success you could ask for. you need to step out of your comfort-zone and challenge yourself in what life offers you. it was all meant to be, but with jupiter in this position you mostly attract beneficial situations for you.

🌞 sun in capricorn, 0° / 1st decan ruled by saturn

you're an extremely ambitious and hard-working person. you have a goofy side to you, and with your soft, water dominance I don't think it's hard to let it out. nonetheless, you put a lot of seriousness in your goals. you aspire to be the best, not only for yourself, but also to be recognized. you don't do it to brag, though. you just want to feel fulfilled, being good at something boosts your self-esteem. in fact, you're quite insecure about yourself. you're a perfectionist, you always want to be at your best state, and that could pressure you. since you were a child, you always took care of your responsibilities, in fact you probably didn't find yourself at ease around your peers at school. you get along more with older people, or that are at least as mature as you, as you grew up sooner than other kids, with a strong sense of duty. you tend to be a bit too materialistic; for example, when thinking about a gift, you immediately think about something material that costs money, not something handmade, for example. money is very important for you, and you aspire to achieve a great status in life. you're also quite pessimistic, you never set your expectations too high, mostly out of fear. you're constantly afraid that things could turn out the way you don't want them to be, as you always want to have everything under control. because of that, you may even appear as bossy or snobby, as you may have the impulse to control people as well. you don't do it out of malice, though, it's something very subconscious that comes from fear. fear of not being able to achieve your goals and being criticized by others.

capricorn sun conjunct capricorn mercury: you express your ego and identity through your words and ideas. you’re very opinionated and you protect strongly your beliefs. after all, you probably came up with your ideals after thinking deeply about them, you were too precise to be wrong. you’re also probably an avid reader, and you could do well in writing yourself, as you’re able to properly convey your ideals with your words. also, your heavy water dominance makes you naturally good at writing poetry, or even philosophical quotes. your mind is very active, and you feel comfortable letting all your thoughts out. it’s actually a way to relieve stress. you also have a wide vocabulary, and you’re capable of making a formal speech if you have to. you have a memorable way of speaking, as your words are very sharp. it’s hard for you to be ignored for your intellect.

capricorn sun conjunct sagittarius venus: you enjoy peace and harmony. you want your surroundings to look all neat and clean, and the same goes for the people you surround yourself with. you wish people saw you as easy to approach, and thanks to your cancer ascendant you actually do seem very sweet. you try to be as formal and kind as possible with people you don’t know well, unless they start getting on your nerves by disagreeing with your opinions or being too bossy. you’re very feminine, not only in your looks and manners but also in the way you dress. you’re quite romantic too, and dream of having a perfect marriage. the downside to this aspect is that because you take so much care of yourself, people may mistake your self-love for vanity. also, your self-esteem may depend too much on others’ opinion of you; you may start thinking you’re ugly and unworthy of love just because someone told you you’re not their type, to sum up.

🌙 moon in pisces, 20° / 3rd decan ruled by neptune and pluto

hands down my favourite moon sign! you're extremely empathetic and sensitive, you care a lot about others and you treat others' problems as if they were yours, you get totally immersed in them. you have quite a vivid imagination, you're able to idealize and picture anything you want. while this placement gives you an incredible amount of creativity, it can also make you uncomfortable. in fact, you may actually find yourself imagining every detail of every situation, even the worst ones. let's suppose you hear of a rape at the news; you literally start imagining the scene detail by detail, and it makes you extremely uncomfortable. actually, it literally ruins your mood, as it's as if you actually lived that scene. going back to the creativity matter, you have the soul of an artist. you have very enhanced emotions, and you're able to express them through artistic outlets. you could be amazing at writing poetry, books, art, music... also, your particular empathy of human's intellect can also make you an amazing psychologist or actress, as you're able to understand others' feelings and make them your own. you're extremely spiritual, and if you don't feel like that, you just have yet to have your spiritual awakening. you may be able to talk to spirits, for example, or perhaps you have very meaningful dreams. or maybe, you could literally predict the future through them. you're also most probably an avid daydreamer, you tend to get distracted easily because you're too busy thinking about random scenarios in your head. seriously, you could even make a movie out of them. you're also an hopeless romantic, and you dream of finding not just your spouse, but your literal soulmate. to make it simple, you want all of your daydreams to become reality.

pisces moon square sagittarius venus: there are contrasting feelings in your relationships with others; after all, your pisces moon wants to commit to someone and be loyal to them. on the other hand, your sagittarius venus wants to be free. you don't want to feel tied to someone, you still need your independency. those two desires of yours probably contrast each other, stressing you out. you want a calm, almost boring relationship, but with this placement you can't seem to have one. your feelings and self-esteem may depend a lot on your relationships, not only with your lovers, but also with your friends. if someone isn't loyal to you, you immediately start blaming yourself. in your life you may lack intimacy, and while it may make you feel better at first, based on the rest of your chart you actually need someone on your side. you can't do everything on your own. it's very challenging, especially since your capricorn sun makes you more attached to work and duty, but you need to find someone that projects your ideals of love. if you need a free-spirit, go look for one. it may take you a while, after all your 7th house is in capricorn, which delays love and marriage due to saturn, but if you learn all the lessons you need to learn from your breakups, you'll be able to live a peaceful life with your spouse.

🗣 mercury in capricorn, 9° / 1st decan ruled by saturn

you can come off as cold by the way you speak. when you're speaking to someone you're not close to, you choose your words more wisely and patiently; with your friends, on the other hand, you take off your mask and you just act the way you feel to. you may also be the type to give dry answers, such as 'ok', 'alright', 'good' and so on. your tone is calm and placid, while your voice sounds quite youthful, but still with a note of steadiness. you're funny, but your humor is more sarcasm-based. you're not intimidated easily; even when someone tries to argue with you, you don't back up from it. you may dive deep into your mind to find the right answer you to your problem. even if it takes you some time, you manage to find a solution. a downside to this is that you may lack patience. thanks to your water dominance though, and also to your jupiter opposite mercury, you appear as way more sociable and approachable than other capricorn mercury individuals.

capricorn mercury opposite cancer jupiter: this placement emphasizes your intellect. your mind is so broad that you can come up with different theories and philosphies, making you a sort of genius. you're probably good at memorizing things, and you could even have a photographic memory. yet, with this aspect, you may have troubles being consistent with your ideas. you may overestimate your needs and thoughts; for example, you may promise yourself to get all As in maths, then you get tired and bored and you end up getting Cs. same goes for your handwriting, for example: you may start writing in the best way possible, then you get lazy and end up writing in a sloppy way just to take notes. you also overthink a lot, and that causes you self-esteem issues. on the other hand, you're very open-minded and objective, as you look at the big picture. you'd do very well as a journalist, for example, or perhaps also as a judge of any kind. you may also be naturally skilled at foreign languages, you can mimic accents pretty well. you're probably also very poetic and / or wise, you're like a teacher for your friends.

❤️ venus in sagittarius, 24° / 3rd decan ruled by jupiter and the sun

people may consider you flaky, as you value freedom above all. you may be the type that likes making new experiences regarding love, and you often date your crushes. yet, you feel too limited in a relationship. you don't enjoy committing to someone if that someone isn't perfect for you, you're only completely loyal to the one you consider your true love. you can't give up your freedom, your thirst for adventure and experiences for someone else. basically, your ideal partner would be a risk-taker, someone loyal but not too clingy, that is down to go on a road trip in every moment. someone impulsive, that could help you stepping out of your comfort-zone. you're probably into those youthful love stereotypes, e.g. high school dates. you want your relationships to be filled with excitement, you despise boring, traditional and cheesy things. you may also find yourself being attracted to unavailable people; that is, you could fall for people that are already taken, or maybe they're physically unavailable, e.g they live abroad or in another city in general. you're also attracted to foreigners, and people that have a wise, yet bubbly aura around them.

☄️ mars in pisces, 9° / 1st decan ruled by neptune

you go with the flow. even though your capricorn moon makes you want to be organized and stable, your pisces mars does the opposite. in fact, you rely a lot on your intuition rather than logic. this may make you appear as submissive, sometimes, as if you can’t stand up for yourself. you’re actually a very spiritual person though, who thinks deeply before acting. you’re not impulsive, you’re aware of your actions, but at the same time you’re ready for eventual changes in your schedule/routine. you have no problems improvising, you’re very versatile. the problem is, you may rely so much on your intuition that you don’t take action. you’re the type to fantasize about being a better person, rather than trying to become one. you may also have the tendency to be passive-aggressive and avoid problems; you may prefer being cold to someone rather than trying to work your argument out.

pisces mars square gemini saturn: you may often experience 'almost winner' situations. in fact, it seems like there's always something or someone who tries to get into your way, succeeding. you most probably have some karmic lessons to learn, especially regarding violence. maybe, in your past life you were so blunt that you hurt someone very deeply. you might have been a bully, or maybe you were the one bullied or even abused. you've got a hot temper, and the worst thing is that you hold onto anger for a quite a bit, especially since your pisces mars makes you bottle all of your feelings up. there are lessons you need to learn in this lifetime, exactly regarding these issues. probably, you may find yourself having enemies, or just people misunderstanding you in general. that's caused exactly by this karmic placement. it's something that you should be able to solve with time and with awareness of the meaning of your words, but also with will. I assume that you're either blindly optimistic or the opposite, you always think everything's going down. be more realistic, and use things like astrology, meditation etc. to find out what's going in your mind. it'll be the key to finally understand how to act, since you'd finally have a clear vision of the world. you're very spiritual, you just need to embrace your higher self.

🏡 houses, interceptions

your 1st house is in cancer. the first house rules the exterior, while the moon, cancer's ruler, the inner part of yourself. that means that the way you look depends on how you are inside; if you're sad, you may have this very depressed look not only in your face, but also in your eyes above all. or perhaps, you could be the type to be what you eat, so you could gain weight easily as soon as you don't eat clean. you could also be quite weak, you don't really have high stamina, you'd rather sleep than work out, but being physical active is extremely important for you. you come across as someone very shy, and you most likely are, even though you give off very good vibes, you don't look snobby like your capricorn sun would. the ruler of the 1st house is in the 9th house: you are very open-minded and supportive of everyone, you hardly ever have prejudices. you could be or look foreign, people may mistake you for another nationality, or perhaps you're mixed. you also most likely love travelling, you are very adventurous and you strive to make as many experiences as possible in life.

your 2nd house is in leo. your self-esteem depends on matters like money, possessions, as well as your influence on others. you may feel confident when you're praised and spoiled with compliments and material things, you may enjoy being in the spotlight as it increases your self-confidence, even though you're quite shy so you don't feel very at ease. you feel confident when you're able to earn money and you're financially stable, and hence you probably felt guilty as a child to ask your parents for money for example. you probably love luxury, you aspire to become very wealthy, live in the house of your dreams, etc. you could also dream of becoming famous. and actually, with this placement, you could make money from leo-related matters, and hence being in the spotlight, creativity (especially theatre / drama), comedy, etc.

your 3rd house is in leo again. you’re able to express your innovative ideas and creativity in a way that doesn’t go overlooked. you tend to overthink a lot, especially about your theories but, once you’ve made up your mind, no one is gonna make you change idea. you’re confident in your opinions. the downside of this placement is that you may come off as a know-it-all from the way you communicate your thoughts. the ruler of the 3rd house is in the 6th house: your job may involve communication, you'll most probably interact with other people in your future career. or maybe, you might write stuff, hence you could be a writer, a journalist, etc. possibly, you would do well as a therapist too. you may also communicate through artistic outlets, hence you could be an actess, a singer, etc. also, you could often have to do short trips to reach your college / work place, perhaps in a bus for example.

your 4th house is intercepted in the sign of libra, with the cusp falling in virgo. I feel like your home environment was slightly cold. your parents could have been very over-protective, strict or controlling of you, and they could have a big impact on your choices, like your future career for example. it could also be that they weren't much affectionate with you, and hence now you feel this very deep, intense need for a relationship that you can't seem to have due to your capricorn 7th house. you're too shy or insecure, or even both, to approach someone else. you may not realize when people have a crush on you, you could constantly feel unloved and / or unwanted when it's not the reality. since the ruler of the 4th house, venus, is placed in the 6th house, I think the only way for you to solve this interception is being more independent. living alone, working and building a life based on your own choices is the key to finally achieve freedom and luck.

your 5th house is in scorpio. your hobbies most likely include self-expression of any kind, anything that you consider is private is told through your creativity. also, with scorpio in this house, you may as well be attracted to darker hobbies like astrology, tarots... possibly, you may be into thriller or even into horror. you may also like psychology, criminology... this type of things that are able to stimulate your mind in some way. you could possibly want to be a risk-taker, deep down. also, you want to become a master in what you like, and hence you tend to go extreme to become perfect. you may dedicate a lot of your spare time to your hobbies, for example, even if you have to work. you'd love to experience things that you consider extreme, but there's something that prevents you from being free. perhaps, it's something related to your insecurity and / or childhood or family life. the ruler of the 5th house is in the 6th house: you may include your hobbies into your future job. also, you may pursue a creative career, and hence you may become a writer, a musician, an artist, a dancer, a photographer... anything that allows you to express both your emotions and creativity. you may also work with children, possibly, or at least it won't be too much of a burden for you to work, as you'll choose a career that is pleasant for you.

your 6th house is in sagittarius, with also the sun, mercury, venus and pluto placed there as well. you are most likely very dedicated to your routine; you could have some workaholic tendencies, you feel the need to be perfect at whatever you want to do in life, even though venus here may mitigate this. in fact, you probably don't realize that you work more than you should, as you have fun at work and you also like taking care of yourself. if you're into exercising, you could be the type to workout everyday even if not necessary because it makes you feel good. or perhaps, you could literally skip your sleep just to finish a book you started writing. you're used to work hard, and hence you most likely do it with pleasure if it involves something you love doing. you try to be very productive in your day-to-day life, even though you don't mind including fun and relax in your routine either. you may have a 'light' work, that is you could turn an hobby of yours into a job, or perhaps you'll make lots of friends or even lovers on your work place that will make it more pleasant for you to go to work. you may also be very lucky, you could easily get jobs that offer a nice income for example, and your health is most likely good too, even though there could have been or will be a few life-changing events about it. the ruler of the 6th house is in the 12th house: you could choose a career that allows you to express your emotions, the hidden you. you would do amazing as a psychologist, as it comes natural to you to help others, but you could also include spiritual or creative matters in your career. you could become a therapist that uses astrology to help their patients, for example.

your 7th house is in capricorn. this placement makes you very patient with other people, you could be the type to give other possibilities to others for example. capricorn in the 7th house may also manifest in a lack of romanticism in an individual, but I don't think it's your case. I assume that you are extremely romantic, but exactly because of your romanticism, you tend to get very picky. you want your partner to meet your ideals of perfection, and hence you may often end up not dating anyone, or being let down by your own lovers. actually, you could even be afraid of love, especially because there could be a lot of karma around your relationships. you could have to experience lots of hardships throughout your love life, but they'll help you become more mature. with the ruler of the 7th house in the 11th house, you may marry a friend of yours. perhaps, at first you and your future spouse won't even like each other, you'll just be common friends, but then you will eventually develop things for each other.

your 8th house is in aquarius, with also uranus and neptune sitting there. you could possibly have an unexpected yet barely painful death, or perhaps someone in your life has died / will die all of a sudden, you may often experience scenarios of this kind. possibly, you could even die while sleeping, and it will be an extremely spiritual moment for you, I don't see it being violent or turbulent at all. or maybe, you’re surrounded by unpredictable events of loss of any kind in your life. that is, it could also happen with your money. it's important not to risk too much with this placement, especially with gambling, or you may end up getting in serious problems. you’re fascinated by the occult, and you may even be/been able to talk to dead people. you’re very intuitive, and it’s easy for you to read through people’s words. you may as well have prophetic dreams.

your 9th house is in aquarius again. you’re an avid believer of your philosophical and cultural beliefs. you may be interested in teaching, and you could do it through innovative and technological tools. you’re also interested in foreign music, books, movies and any type of hobby. you may be attracted to genres like thriller, sci-fi… you could also believe in aliens. at school you may be considered particular, almost weird for your interests. you’re open-minded, as you appreciate the differences in people and cultures all over the world. you hate being told what to do, you want to be free in the decisions you make. you may have to live unexpected situations, as 9th house is also about experiences. you’re the type to feel proud doing something never seen before, as you aspire to be a trend-setter. this may also manifest in your musical, fashion etc. taste. you’re also very opinionated, and you defend your beliefs pretty strongly. the moon here indicates that you may find yourself more at ease with foreigners, not with people from your birth country, perhaps because you prefer their culture / ideals. this is a placement that indicates that someone from your family, perhaps your mother, comes from a different country from yours. with the ruler of the 9th house being in the 8th, you learn a lot about occult topics, such as astrology, tarots, dreams etc.

your 10th house is intercepted in the sign of aries, with the house cusp falling in pisces. I assume that you may struggle picturing your future. you could procrastinate or daydream too much; possibly, you may even have dreams bigger than you, that take a while to realize. that doesn't mean that you have to abandon them, but need to work extra hard to make them come true. in fact, this is exactly the key to solve this interception: take action. don't be afraid to take risks, and work hard for what you want to become. start new project that can lead you to make your dreams come true, but make sure to finish them. consistency is extremely important for you and your success. the problem with intercepted aries is that you may lack courage to actually pursue the career of your dreams, perhaps because others don't really show you their support, and hence you could feel insecure to fail. since mars, the ruler of aries, is in pisces though, I don't really think you should detach from your dreams, they can actually come true, but you need to become independent and stop caring about what others think. you're the one who decides whether you can be successful or not, and that is determined by your work and passion, not by what others say or think.

your 11th house is in taurus. you could possibly attract people with taurus traits, and hence your friends could be quite stubborn and possessive, but also very loyal and responsible. they could possibly be wealthy, and they could have some artistic, creative interest and / or talent just like you. saturn is also placed in this house, meaning that at first you struggle to find friends. you may be very shy and awkward, and you just can’t seem to find someone right for you whom you can truly trust. as you get more mature, you may find yourself more comfortable with this placement, especially around your 25s, as you’re more cautious about who you befriend than your peers. also, it allows you not to waste time and focus on your duties, but generally it’s something that will get better with time and will naturally give you the ability to relate to others better.

your 12th house is in gemini, with also jupiter placed there. the 12th house is the house of fears and gemini rules over communication, and hence you could be afraid to approach others, you're very shy. you don't like speaking in public either, same goes for expressing your opinions. you're always afraid that people may judge you for your ideas, your interests and for the way you speak. on the other hand, you're a very spiritual individual, especially with your jupiter also being in this house. you could sleep a lot, and during your sleep you probably get to have lots of meaningful dreams, even though you may sometimes not remember many of them, or even none. it's a skill of yours that you'll be able to embrace once you finally wake up spiritually. as I've already mentioned above, you could have prophetic dreams and, with gemini's presence in this house, spirits, angels and other higher entities may try to communicate with you through your dreams or subconscious.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract capricorn, gemini, virgo, scorpio and leo. your future spouse will most likely have leo and virgo traits placements, maybe a leo - virgo cusp. they’ll be very intelligent, bold and confident, but also with a warm heart and a hidden insecurity to them. they could be very work-oriented, but they won't lack affection either. your chart hints that you'll most likely meet them at your work place, or perhaps on a trip abroad. they could be foreign, or even of a different culture from yours, or you'll just meet them abroad. perhaps during a business trip. your children will have heavy scorpio / aries traits; they'll be very active, especially physically, and astute. they'll be very attached to you and your family in general, even though they could get too possessive, jealous and immature at times.

👶🏻 family life

your mother is probably very hard-working, and she has a strong role in your family. maybe she had to work a lot, so she wasn’t as much with you as the other mothers, but she always made sure that you had everything you needed. she may have virgo or gemini placements in her chart. your father is a bit more emotional, most probably less dominant than your mother in your family, and he might have pisces, sagittarius, scorpio or aries placements in his chart. you may have a lot of siblings, and they have prominent fire and leo energy. you have fun with them, and you usually have different conversations with them, about both serious and light topics. overall, I don’t see much shocking going on in your childhood, aside from your family’s influence regarding your career choice.

📊 career

you have a very prominent pisces energy in your chart, and hence neptunian careers would be the best for you. first of all, you would do amazing as a psychologist / therapist / nurse, as you possess a very therapeutic and reassuring way of speaking that is extremely useful and powerful in a job like this. also, you would great at literally anything that involves art and emotions: music, art, drama... possibly, your chart also points out that you may work abroad, you could have to learn a foreign language for your job, or perhaps you'll just travel a lot. you would also do well at career that allows you to help others in some way, and hence you could be a detective, a doctor... there are a lot of options, and you could take advantage of your particular intuition to earn a great income from it.

👗 fashion sense, style analysis

your jupiter energy screams grunge! you probably love 90s/00s aesthetic, with fishnets, black, burgundy, belts, leather jackets... all of this stuff. yet, perhaps you could be too shy to wear this type of things, and hence you end up wearing more feminine, natural and pastel clothes. also, oversized clothes are a must for you. you may especially be fond of wearing tight tops with baggy jeans or viceversa: tight pants, possibly leggins, with big, long sweatshirts and t-shirts. it's very comfortable, but you still make it look trendy and particular with your charisma. you may also love printed things, especially graphic t-shirts. for shoes, I'd say trendy sneakers and boots are a must in your wardrobe.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past lifetime, you used to put your spirituality aside for a while to focus on finding out your identity here on the earth. you learned how to be responsible, healthy and stable on the earth. you know your values, and they’re already very grounded, you’re very mature from this point of view. in this lifetime, you now need to get more in touch with your spirituality. you need to get close to your higher self, and you may actually be quite skilled at it; probably you may interpret your dreams, you could be interested in religion, what’s beyond the world, and you’re most likely also interested in astrology and other occult matters. you’ll finally be able to reach happiness and fulfill your soul when you start having awareness of your soul’s purpose. since you’ve booked a reading, I’m sure you’re already on the right path, so keep going this way.

🤔 major transits interpretation / sept 14th

next year juno, the asteroid of marriage, is going to be conjunct your vertex point, which indicates a point of destiny in a birth chart. that means that you may meet someone that could eventually end up becoming your spouse. or at least, it means that you’ll finally be able to take a decision and commit to something relevant in your life. it may be a job, a lifestyle etc. anything that you need to feel serene. also, these last few days could have been very nostalgic and emotional for you, since transit virgo sun is opposite your natal pisces moon. you could be thinking about childhood matters, or you just feel very tired and moody. you just want to close your eyes and lay on your bed, but hang in there, it will all go away in a few days.

🌎 manifest what you want, secret skills

with your water dominance, you probably have a 6th sense. you’re able to manifest what you want if you subconsciously predict it, even though it may be hard. you’d have to get in touch with your higher self to do so, hence I’d suggest you not to manifest in this lifetime, or at least not too much, as it’s not apart of your life purpose. you can try listening to your own affirmations while you sleep, as you won’t be consciously aware of that. it’s probably the most effective way.

this is the end! thank you again for purchasing a reading, I hope it resonated with you :)

[montpahrnah]

hi, my innocent request is a Bradford and Lockett piracy AU

gen… oh my god. i wasn’t expecting to be as into this as i am but i thought about it all night and i’m very deeply into it; have lost track of how many times you’ve done that. so here’s all this:

bradford and lockett are both from boston and run sort of in the same social circles; they’ve never met but they’ve heard of each other and there’s a thread of mild but mutual fascination as a result. brad is doing an apprenticeship at ye olde printing press with a guy he hates and lockett is living with his parents and going to school but his heart really isn’t in it/he sometimes wanders off for days at a time. they meet for the first time down at boston harbor on a freezing cold afternoon:  bradford is trying to walk off his shitty day and lockett is sitting there with snow in his hair watching a ship come in, and brad suddenly feels the light shift, the snow and sleet feel like echoes of some deep and ineffable nostalgia he doesn’t understand. anyway he writes a severely Extra ten-page diary entry about it later. lockett goes home feeling like everything has shifted on its axis, or maybe everything has solved, though it hasn’t; after that they’re inseparable and do pretty much everything together, eventually they see a small crew of pirates being hanged and neither of them can stop thinking about it

a few years later bradford desperately wants out of boston/can’t stomach the thought of spending the rest of his life printing religious pamphlets and starving in the winters, so he decides to leave in search of adventure and maybe warmer weather when he hears secondhand about a crew of pirates trying to recruit. lockett is deeply conflicted but he can’t stand the thought of being without bradford, it makes him feel like an amputated limb, so he leaves school and his parents and sets off with brad thinking about that hanging they saw years ago by now, reckoning he’d probably rather be dead with brad than alive without him, and he can also (usually) rein in brad’s worst impulses

brad takes to piracy with a powerful immediacy, like it’s the stuff of legend, he’s notorious. because he has no filter whatsoever they get into trouble with some of the other crew; everyone expects lockett to blow over in a strong wind because he’s so shy etc, but he’s shockingly capable very quickly and viciously protective of brad even when brad is objectively in the wrong, and thus people are kind of scared of them/keep their distance for a while. lockett is seasick a lot and brad is drunk a lot and they argue a lot. when they dock in lisbon and go to london etc they wander off without each other feeling jealous and lost and off-footed, not knowing how to get back to what they had or if they even can. brad writes a lot of excruciating letters/diary entries, lockett daydreams about going home with all the money they don’t have and convincing brad to go out west to the frontier with him and like, raise goats and write poetry

during a raid lockett is badly wounded and nearly dies; brad takes care of him the whole time and probably threatens to kill/maim anyone who suggests that maybe lockett’s not going to make it, he should write the family, etc. still he becomes obsessed with the thought of lockett dying, that this person who contains so much of his love and his history and all these things that can’t be but which are anyway could (will) die. extremely bleak but productive period for brad’s diary, lots of expostulating about the twinned inevitability of love/death, i.e. in death there is always love, but love will always contain death and there is no escape. lockett probably dreams about all of this. possibly brad lays his head on lockett’s chest in the middle of the night eaten up with grief and nostalgia and exhaustion and hears something strange in the sluggish beating of his heart, like a song he hasn’t heard yet. if i was writing this i don’t think i could ever overcome the urge to do that, sorry

after lockett recovers they’re more or less inseparable again, but when they anchor nearish london again the royal navy is very suddenly on their heels, and after a truly abysmal journey back towards the massachusetts bay colony full of death and dysentery etc they’re shipwrecked on one of the islands; in the chaos lockett–on an impulse he can’t name–steals a shitload of the captain’s gold, but bradford is captured and taken back to boston to be hanged. lockett has to stage a daring rescue which maybe involves seducing and murdering a guard, quietly breaks bradford out, and then they leave town with the gold and what they can carry and disappear together into the west in the dead of night.

[type-a-nomad]

March 12+13

Mon. March 12 2018

My friend Sofia left this morning, which was sad.  Every Monday morning we have a huge volunteer meeting outside for about an hour.  Ever since Danni got here, they’ve been very entertaining.  She is very loud and outspoken in a way only northern British people are.  The light in our living room is green because there was no normal bulb to put in so we used the only one we could find.  At the meeting when Shannon asked if there were any things to call attention to in the houses Danni called out, without raising her hand: “can we change the green light in the living room, because I feel like I’m living in a crack den”.  I died laughing, but everyone else was silent because they thought it was kind of disrespectful.  If they're so offended by the comment, maybe have basic things around like non-green lightbulbs.  Danni isn't wrong, our living room looks straight out of Breaking Bad right now.  Currently, there are 70 volunteers on project.  I like some of the newbies but some are problematic.  Danni is not one to shy away from conflict and she got in a very loud argument with one of the new British girls who was snarky to her.  I can’t really describe the way she speaks, but when she’s upset her accent is so heavy that I can barely understand her, even with my strongest listening ears on.           I’ve been reading a lot this week and I have some quotes that I want to share and talk about from the two books I’ve been pouring through.  The first is apparently supposed to be a children’s book, but given the decline of the English language and education system in recent years, I doubt kids under 13 would be able to keep up with it.  It’s called A Little History of the World.  My dad got it for me when I was 7 and there’s a little note in the inside cover from him that was undiscovered until I got to South Africa.  Now, that book is one of the most important treasures I brought with me.  The quote goes “What I have always loved best about the history of the world is that it is true.  That all the extraordinary things we read were no less real than you and I are today.” It’s the opening line of one of the last chapters in the book and I think could be easily overlooked, but that idea is so profound to me and resonates deeply.  It is entirely true.  Sometimes I wonder what history books will say about our time now, what truths today will become stories later on.  What events now or changes are we overlooking that are, in hindsight, going to be looked at a time of great consequence.  We can guess.  We can point to wars and political shifts.  We can point to technology and the Age of Plastic that we have seemingly entered.  But the reality of it is, we don’t know until it is no longer reality.  Until we have experienced enough of the future to see what parts of the past actually made enough of an impact to be seen as relevant to the future situation.  My guess of how this period of time will be looked at is the paradox between the push for constant innovation and new technology, and the regression to the past with populism and tightening of social, racial, and cultural boundaries.  How we love new things and stuff, but we can’t tolerate new people and ideas.                     Another book I’ve been reading, quite slowly, was given to me by my therapist/life advisor Ariel.  Before I came here, she gave me a book of Billy Collins’s poetry, and a book by Pema Chödrön, called “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times”.  It’s brilliant.  One of my favorite parts is that there is no fat or pretension.  None of it is trying to sound smart or important. It is straightforward and spiritual in the most honest way.  It is so realistic and profound at the same time that I spend several minutes with each sentence.  The entire book is written by a woman who has mastered the Buddhist mindset of acceptance, non-attachment, and nowness.  I am extremely far from that mindset, so some of the ideas can’t really resonate with my extremely preoccupied mind, but I hope I can learn to internalize them.  An example of some of the really valuable teachings in the book is: “Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic — this is the spiritual path.  Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior”.  This is so important.  The idea that gentleness and ability to choose the path of nonfiction, to sit without adjusting that strap that’s slipping off your shoulder, not scratching the mosquito bite, not smoking that cigarette the nicotine in your brain is begging for, sitting with the little parts of your brain that make your stomach tight and make you want to get up and walk around, that’s real strength.  That’s finding peace and self control and wisdom and really using it.  Indulging in action without really sitting with the decision of that action is a mindless and unconscious way to exist, really.  I want to fully exist in my being in the present.  To let my consciousness exist as fully in the now as I can.  To see the beauty in impermanence and not hold too tight to the metaphorical sand slipping through my hands into the bottom half of the hourglass.  Before you write off this entire paragraph as super hippie-dippy and hocus-pocus-y, really think about what it means.  How consciously are you living?  When’s the last time you weren't thinking about the future or the past for a full 10 minutes?  When’s the last time you didn't feel discomfort in acknowledging and releasing an impulse?  

Tues. March 13 2018

       Today was normal for me.  Tutoring was nice for the most part.  I’m on my period which is the worst when you need to work with kids.  My cramps were terrible and I felt so badly I didn't even go out to play with the kids during break.  Besides that, the morning was standard for me.  However, for about 20 volunteers today was quite turbulent.  There’s been a bit of drama down here in Cape Town.  To preface this story, we have rules of living for the volunteer program.  Sunday-Thursday we are not allowed to go out past 11pm and are not allowed to show up to project hungover or unrested.  The crucial part of all of those rules is the hangover part because in the townships there is a lot of alcohol abuse and so most of the kids associate the smell of alcohol with physical and emotional abuse from mom, dad, or other family members.  Thankfully, that rule hasn't been broken as far as anyone can tell.  However, a lot of volunteers go out and party and return quite late at night.  The hostel has security cameras for obvious security purposes and, until now, have never really been checked to the extent of my knowledge.            Last week, a lot of people missed curfew and were really loud about it, so it woke up the interns and they had to tell the managers.  At the morning meeting, the managers asked everyone who violated curfew to stand up.  About 6 people did.  I know that at least 15 people violated curfew and probably more at the property down the street, Dunbar, because they have no supervision and party a lot more than my house. Everyone who stood up had to spend their Friday washing the cars SAVE owns.  Fairly, they were annoyed everyone else didn't stand up.  One of them told Shannon it was unfair to enforce it only on the people honest enough to admit they broke the rules.  So, today, Shannon looked on the security cameras, which are positioned so you can see everyone’s face super clearly.  Tons of people were caught red handed and had lied about it because they didn't stand up.  Shannon was livid and posted part of the video of people coming in late to the group chat.  It was wild.  She’s generally a go-with-the-flow person who also gets things done.  But she brought the whip down. Everyone who lied wasn't allowed to go to project today and had to clean the entire hostel and then the other property that’s under construction, that we call 83, and organize the entire storage spaces.  It turned out to be pretty beneficial because last night there was a huge fire in Dunoon and because everyone lives in shacks so close together, over 500 people are displaced and homeless.  The extra hands from all the people in trouble meant SAVE could make lots of care-packages.  Three of the teachers at one of the schools we work at are homeless now.  I can’t imagine going through that.  Losing everything in one night.  On top of that, there’s no way they can just buy things again.  There’s no insurance (obviously) and most people live hand-to-mouth, so once you lose everything, that’s that.  It’s horrible.           I had rugby this afternoon which was interesting because I have no idea what rugby is and everyone kept telling me it’s basically american football without the pads.  Everyone lied.  It really isn't anything at all like american football, the balls just look similar.  It’s more similar to netball or basketball than football.  There weren't that many of us and the boys that did play we kind of had to corral into playing because everyone wanted to play soccer, which was a little sad, but we tried our best to make it fun.  Obviously, it was touch-rugby instead of tackle.  There was this one 11 year old boy on my team who was tiny.  He was clearly malnourished and not growing like the other boys.  His name was Melvin.  I noticed that he had some kind of burn on his hands, but he was wearing a long sleeve shirt and a sweater over it because it was a bit chilly today, so I couldn't really tell what it was.            When we took a water break, one of the boys came up to me and told me that Melvin had horrible burns over his arms and down his back from boiling water, and that we should only touch his legs during the game.  I took and distributed the information and we kept playing, but it was so troubling to think about.  The burn was clearly severe, as far as I could see.  His skin was entirely discolored in the surrounding are and I noticed there was a similar shaped scar from an incident on his other hand, but it looked like something that had happened maybe even years ago.  My immediate thought was that it was domestic abuse.  It is not far from the range of possibility for a parent to pour boiling water on their child out of anger or as a punishment.  After rugby, I went straight to Shannon to tell her about what I saw.  She already knew. She said two weeks ago Melvin had an accident at home and it was an accident.  She said that the families live in such close quarters, these incidents aren't as uncommon as they may seem.  Moreover, he had to go to the hospital for 2 days because they were 2nd degree burns and was out of school for a week.  For some reason, this doesn’t sit right with me.  How does that much boiling water go on just his back and arms?  I can’t really imagine a situation where an entire pot of boiling water accidentally falls on a child without that child getting at least somewhat out of the way.  Further, what about the similar scar on the other hand? Was this a repeated incident?          At the end of the day, even if it is abuse, there’s nothing I can do and that’s extremely upsetting.  All I can ensure is that the kids feel safe and happy when they're with me, but when our time is up, I have to send them back to potentially dangerous situations.  That’s so heartbreaking to me. These kids are so normal at the project and just happy to be there.  They come from entirely different backgrounds and situations than kids who are friends with my own brother in California, and yet they act so similarly and are really just as much of a kid as anybody growing up in a first world country.  The hardship they experience seems so incredibly undeserved I just want to swoop them up in my arms and save them from any hurt in their lives.  They’re just kids and I wish they had the room to live that way without thinking about it.  Around 12 is when that shift towards hardness really takes place and I’m making it my duty lead with love and kindness to delay that hardening of their youth as much as possible.  

- Q