#I also wish my 2 friends liked 911 so I could go insane on someone who knows how I go insane

[starkonfire]

this blog is a blessing for me because I can go insane on shit here since no one knows I have this account, love it 

[equestrianwritingsstuff]

In recognition of 200 followers.....

I composed a list of 200 hero x villain dialogue prompts for you guys to ask me or reblog it and ask your own followers or if you take inspiration.

Thank you so much! It means a whole lot!

1. "I wish I had longer to love you."

2. "Sometimes being the greatest is being the worse."

3. "I will kill you if you die on me."

4. "Bury me... under a willow tree... with tulips and lilies to blossom in the spring and a small stream to keep me company."

5. "Villains aren't capable of love; yet, here I am crying over your grave."

6. "The kitten's name is Max."

7. "I'm going to get a beer."

8. "There is only one way to kill me, but you could never muster the strength to pull through."

9. "I'm dizzy with love for you."

10. "Hero, you are drunk not a toddler."

11. "I pledge to serve you willingly, butthead."

12. "Ride the waves with me." "You are a mermaid, no thanks."

13. "Stay awake for me; it's only a little farther."

14. "I can't carry you!"

15. "He isn't much, but we'll make do."

16. "I WANT TO SEE HER! LET ME SEE HER PLEASE. Please..."

17. "George Washington never told a fib, and I am greater than him, so trust me, Hero, when I say I am telling the truth."

18. "Eggs and butter make dough, knives and guns make death."

19. "You are insane."

20. "The bomb is going off in twenty seconds, Hero. Run now. I-I'm going to stop it."

21. "What is love?"

22. "I don't get the function of hugs."

23. "Mentally I'm good, but physically..."

24. "I only wished for happiness from that genie. I guess it was evil."

25. "Break him, shatter him, destroy him."

26. "Sing with me."

27. "Villain you are touch starved, not dying."

28. "What the heck did you do to your hair." "What? You don't like it?" "It looks like my cat's litterbox."

29. "Don't give me hope."

30. "I am not a disease or a parasite. I am a human. I am one of those millions you swore to protect."

31. "Kiss, marry, kill?" "Kill, kill, kill."

32. "You created me."

33. "Villain don't you dare pass out."

34. "I like the look of blood on you, compliments your eyes."

35. "I kinda dropped Hero through space."

36. "Power exhaustion sucks."

37. "Time to save the world. Yay!" *says in sarcasm*

38. "Let me feed you Hero."

39. "You do not have AC?!"

40. "Villain you have a fever."

41. "Am I drunk?"

42. "Movies. Nine o'clock. Don't be late."

43. "Lemme grab a beer and we are good to go."

44. "Don't. Look. At. Me."

45. "He just had his wisdom teeth out sooo." "How bad can it be? Villain has been shot with twenty tranq darts at one and didn't pass out... immediately anyway, took a good twenty minutes." "Well, you see-" "THE KITTEN IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!"

46. "She needs surgery."

47. "It's a panic attack..." "KISS HIM!"

48. "Blood, gore, madness... this was made for me."

49. "Quit drooling on me and sit up."

50. "There's only one bed."

51. "He looks so cute when he sleeps."

52. "Of all the places to live, you had to choose a heavily fortified medieval castle two thousand years in the past?"

53. "You are a peacock Hero."

54. "Let's see who will drown first. You or me. One, two, three... let's go!"

55. "I wasn't always like this."

56. "Madness is for geniuses, not for me."

57. "It's just a sedative that's going to make you nice and docile."

58. "He's out." "Good, let him rest, villainy is hardwork."

59. "I love her, but she doesn't love me."

60. "If I had a choice to save you or me, I'd pick me."

61. "Gag her."

62. "They aren't made for this, give them mercy."

63. "Talk now or she dies."

64. "Broken ribs, broken jaw, broken arm... are you sure you want me to continue." "No." "Then tell me your name."

65. "Get me some thread and a needle. Just don't touch me."

66. "The police are coming."

67. "Tell me where she is. TELL ME WHERE IS SHE OR I WILL SLASH YOUR THROAT AND TOSS YOU IN THE SEWER!!!!!"

68. "I love you." "I don't."

69. "Hug me just one last time."

70. "Villain hey hey hey. Calm down. You've been in a pretty bad accident."

71. "They won't be able to walk again."

72. "Tell me... just tell if they made it."

73. "Can't you just poof me another arm?"

74. "If you saved all of them, you can save me."

75. "I'm really tired..."

76. "Sleep. I will stay with you."

77. "She is sixteen years old." "All musicians start young." "This isn't a concert, this is life. Stop ruining it."

78. "He"s been in an accident." "Where?" "Five minutes away from your place."

79. "I wish he wasn't unconscious, so I could talk to him. So I could thank him."

80. "It's been four months now. I have came everyday and, uh, I dunno what to say. Hero, I need you to wake up. I can't function knowing you are right here."

81. "I have a date." "Hmm with who?" "Supervillain." "When and where honey?"

82. "Shhhhhhh. Be quiet. We are still being hunted."

83. "Desert?" "What are you trying to do? Kill me?"

84. "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." "I know, I know dear and I so sorry, but I need you to help me. I need you to help them."

85. "Villain just sleep. Allow the drugs to take you under. Don't fight it, don't resist... just sleep. In the morning, we will be safe."

86. "Being lost in the woods isn't ideal."

87. "An injection of valium will do it."

88. "There's no anesthesia."

89. "Wouldn't it be great if we never met each other?"

90. "Bless you." "I didn't sneeze." "Yeah right. Now go sit down, you're sick."

91. "It's called insomnia you dim-wit."

92. "Join me and we can be great."

93. "You didn't bring me here for the cake." "No, dear, but you are so gullible. I brought you here for a sacrifice." "My life?" "Why yes."

94. "I don't know. I never had someone collapse on my doorstep before."

95. "I have nothing to lose. No family, no friends, just my meaningless life."

96. "That's my daughter, not the villain's... so give me her back before I rip your eyes out."

97. "How long was I out for?!" "Ten minutes, but you were drifting. I don't think you had that good of rest." "Oh, I thought I was asleep for hours."

98. "I know, I know you are going to hate me after this, but trust me when I say it's for the best."

99. "I know everything about you."

100. "I think narcissism is contagious because after watching you for a couple hours, I think I may have developed a little crush on the mirror..."

101. "What did you give me?"

102. "Is she screams, I'm going to scream, and then we are going to die."

103. "No fighting today, my cat just died."

104. "How hard did you punch me?"

105. "Not gonna lie, being delirious was epic."

106. "I am cooking for you. You aren't my servant, so stop thinking it."

107. "My old masters made me into a weapon and called me Villain, but if you desire a lapdog I am going to need to be refurnished to fit your needs."

108. "What is his deal?" "I think he's just crazy."

109. "Love is not what I had in mind when I agreed to go on a date with you."

110. "Hugs are overrated."

111. "Are you too hot or too cold?" "Both."

112. "I wish we could turn back time."

113. "I lost the game." "What do you mean? Hero is dead." "Precisely."

114. "Make a wish." "That you live."

115. "Villain has been acting exceptional! Today we granted them a break from the machine. Go ahead Hero and take him for some ice cream."

116. (Sleepy murmurs) "Don't go. I neeeed you." "Yeah yeah I know Villain."

117. "Villain was the one who hurt me, not Hero."

118. "Supervillain is in danger!"

119. "If everyone is scared of me, I might as well be alone."

120. "My head is killing me."

121. "Don't call an ambulance. Just... hold me."

122. "You don't have to do this. It's going to hurt you more than me." "Anything for you dearest, anything at all."

123. "Hero, go wash your hands before dinner."

124. "You have PTSD?" "I don't know?"

125. "I have soap in my eyes!' "Rinse it out." "Mm no I'm permanently mortally blinded." "Uh huh."

126. "We need to cuddle to keep warm."

127. "Take care of them for me, will you?"

128. "When I'm gone, promise to tell my mother, please."

129. "Drug him and then bring him to me."

130. "Superheroes are for children. In all honesty, we are all villains."

131. "Oh my gosh, Hero, what happened?" "Poisoned."

132. "Wouldn't it be nice?" "I don't fancy prosthetics."

133. "Just shut up and listen!"

134. "There is a memorial parade for Hero tomorrow. They asked you to lead it."

135. "She turned it around... at the end."

136. "I wish that he understood how much I care for him."

137. "Civilian! He fell asleep in my lap last night, like totally zooted. It was so cute, but also very tempting. I stuck a french fry up his nose." "Wow. Did he wake up then?" "Yeah, I am sorta kidnapped right now..."

138. "The book, the sword... all pieces of the puzzle huh." "No, darling, all pieces of my game."

139. "Their death is my fault! Not your's, but mine, so quit trying to make me feel better."

140. "Once upon a time-" "Oh please, not another fairytale."

141. "If only it was that easy."

142. "We are stuck in a maze, how can you be so joyful?"

143. "Celebrate Hero, eat your cake, party into the night... but just know, I will be back."

144. "Call 911!" "Why?" "I stubbed my toe."

145. "Your jawline looks like it was gauzed over in lard." "It looks better than your hay for hair."

146. "You're my best friend." "Villain? Are you on drugs?"

147. "Lay him there and leave him. Let the rats dine on him."

148. "The point of the cow suit?" "Oh, uh, I was at a Halloween parade. You know, for children."

149. "I-i never wanted to hurt you." "I know, I wanted you to, so I allowed it."

150. "Favorite movie?" "Your death." "Ooo never heard of it, let's watch it." "*groans* Oh my gosh, you are stupid."

151. "Being a flutist is my only superpower. And being modest apparently."

152. "Your head will join my collection if yoi don't watch out."

153. "Hey, hey! Wake up, buddy. It's just a nightmare."

154. "Meh head hurts." "Yeah, you hit it pretty hard."

155. "Let's go for a ride." "On that yellow miniature school bus?" "It's a ranger you idiot."

156. "No painkillers, no bandages, perfect environment for infection to settle... I'm just gonna leave you here Villain."

157. "I save you and this is how you repay me? A prison?"

158. "What are you doing?" "Climbing a tree? No Hero, I am breaking into your house to kidnap you."

159. "I formally apologize."

160. "Of all places, Hero, you had to teleport us to a desert. A DESERT."

161. "Supervillain won't stop unless we team up." "I don't think our alliance will stop them, I think it'll just make them angrier."

162. "Stop singing or I will blow this place until even the last atom is broken into itty-bitty molecules!" "That... that is scientifically impossible."

163. "I'm a genius! Yippee!"

164. "Life isn't perfect and nor is your morals."

165. "Control yourself before you kill everyone around you."

166. "Say your goodbyes."

167. "Of all the ways I've died, drowning was by far the nicest."

168. "Love the collar. Is it for fashion purposes?" "Uh, um, uh, er, no?"

169. "You look lonely. Want some hot coco?"

170. "It is negative million out there and you expect me to come in toasty warm after fixing your power?"

171. "Are you sick?" "Yeh." "Come on in then."

172. "Civilian, don't even bother trying to save him."

173. "We have a breach!"

174. "What makes a villain's life less important than your's?"

175. "Enjoy your soup." "You poisoned it." "And you're delusional, eat up."

176. "I hate 99% of the population." "According to a meme I found, you are therefore a cat."

177. "Don't overuse your powers."

178. "This is just an unfortunate event."

179. "You look so cute when you are sleepy and barely conscious."

180. "His fever is rising."

181. "Save her, leave me. I'll-i'll get out of this somehow."

182. "Sometimes self-sacrifice isn't noble, it's selfish."

183. "You are so funny that I need my inhaler to kill you with." "That sentence was so discombobulated that I am leaving."

184. "Just for your information, I hate oranges but love grapes."

185. "Walking down the stairs shouldn't be a momental effort." "You broke both your legs."

186. "You just destroyed my life's work, don't expect me to give you a huge bear hug."

187. "Is it true that you have telekinesis?" "Yes, why?" "Go steal me a donut."

188. "You are so incredibly touch starved, Villain." "Mmm." "Tired? Go ahead and sleep, I'm here."

189. "This is for your own good, I promise."

190. "I'm cold."

191. "I don't want to move and you can't make me."

192. "I AM RETIRED! YOU DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE TO SEND ME PAMPHLETS OF THE HOTTEST HERO OF THE YEAR!"

193. "He's unconscious." "That tired, huh." "No, he passed out from blood loss."

194. "I want a kitten."

195. "I'm no scared of you, so stop acting like I am."

196. "He isn't dangerous, just scared."

197. "They won't be going anywhere for a long, long time."

198. "Hero? Hero? Oh my goodness, please wake up."

199. "Life is too short for pleasures."

200. "I hope you are happy, in the end."

[shikagemaru]

Been having an identity crisis recently. There's It a whole lot of things adding up to that. Call it a rant and ignore it if you want. There's only like 3 of you guys anyway.

I would put a readmore here if I knew how to do that on mobile (thanks for sucking, only social media app I feel at all comfortable with)

•It really doesn't help that the past 7 years of my life have been completely stagnant. Since I haven't been able to work my wife and I have had basically no freedom of our own.

•2 years ago I was put in jail because a pair of psychopaths decided to go from 70 to 0 on the highway in front of us, and get out to try attacking us. I tried backing up to go around but obviously the car behind me was too close and the highway was at speed in the right lane. So I had to go around on the grass while these 2 crazy assholes were approaching while shouting threats. One was coming for my wife's window. So I did what I had to and bumped one of them. He wouldn't move and our safety was more important than him being hurt a little. There was a high speed chase through our community, and while we're on the phone with the police these two are trying to force us off the road. The cops even see one of them hanging out the window shouting threats at us. We pull into a mcdonalds parking lot and after talking to them for a bit the cops arrest me because he said I "ran him over" on purpose. He was so uninjured that he refused medical care at the scene, but he kept telling people I ran him over. They were also both arrested btw. I was held without food or mpving air for over 13 hours and I have a history of heat stroke and hypoglycemia (it's bot exactly that, but it's like living outside of a big city and tellinf people you're from there instead of the local podunk you actually live in). Long story short it was torturous, and then I got put in actual jail. They didn't care that I have a long list of disabilities. When I was released I had to wear an anklr monitor while taking weekly drug tests. The numbers on the drug test kept reading that I was using weed even though I wasn't. It was insanely stressful as the numbers didn't change from one week to another. My fear was that because I was rapidly losing weight from stress that the thc being held onto in the fat was being detected. NOPE. turns out one of my DAILY meds was testing false positive. "Shouldn't they know about the false positive drug and account for it?" Youd think. But when they scanned my medication bottles that one came out blurred and they never entered it into their system. In case there are any lingering feelings that I was guilty, the court case more than handled that. The prosecutor was the kind of scumbag that, before my trial, tried prosecuting this guy's mother-in-law for assaulting him when she tried taking her grandkid out of his arms because he was using the baby to shield himself when the family confronted him about having a fake medical license and it ruining all their lives. It turns out I was put through hell and all he was seeking was "anger management counciling" because he believed that I, the guy protecting his wife, had road rage issues. One listen to the 911 calls would have straightened thst up. My lawyer kicked his ass just a little more than I did on the stand. Long story concluded, thanks for the ptsd. The nightmares have been lovely. So is panicking whenever a door closes kinda loud.

•Last year I was able to self diagnose myself with autism. For those who don't know, the vast majority of autistic people self diagnose, largely due to "experts" on average not being well educated on what autism is outside of the stereotypical cases. Most women aren't diagnosed until adults. Most "high functioning" (which is an awful description when you lesrn that it was created by a literal nazi to separate autistic people into "kill these ones" and "don't kill these ones" categories) people aren't diagnosed until adulthood. And by then actually getting the diagnosis is a challenge. And frequently it involves exercising privelege to get the right people involved.

So knowing what I know now a lot of my life suddenly makes sense. People accusing me of being manipulative when I literally don't know what it is that makes them think that? Severe miscommunications? Obsessing over specific topics to the point where people want to avoid me? Always being "the weird one" and as a result being a social outcast from day 1? Despite being considered very intelligent, I've been super easily manipulated by people my whole life. I can barely ever tell a person no, even if I know I should. Hell. There have been entire relationships I've had with people where I thought we were friends and they didn't think the same thing. Learning who or even how to trust becomes a challenge.

Yeah, it all makes sense now. I want to say "i don't know how they didn't see it", but I do. The 90s was shit for mental health. Since they knew I had tourettes (thanks for that, universe) and adhd, my obsessive tendencies were labeled ocd. Actual adult relationships have gone entirely to shit because of miscommunication. People seem to think I mean one thing when I mean another entirely. People think I'm angry when I'm not. I've basically been told never to be passionate about a topic.

How does a person handle that? It doesn't unfuck relationships with people. Once someone thinks you're lying and manipulating that's it. Nothing you can ever say will ever dissuade them. It doesn't matter that they were the ones that misunderstood. Somehow it becomes the fault of the autistic person. And good luck if you're ever autistic and have a panic attack. So I'm trying not to care about that. It's hard. It's especially hard knowing that things didn't have to, and may not have gone the way they did if i had known about it earlier. I wish I could rebuild certsin relationships. My wife and I used to fight, but since we realized that both of us have these triggers because we're both autistic, we resolve almost every misunderstanding like a walk in the park. But that doesn't work with people you haven't spoken to in years. Even if a lot of it was frankly their fault.

•And the latest fuckery? I have no idea what gender I am. If I had the power to shapeshift I'd probably change on a daily or hourly basis. I had an alt account years ago where I posted fanfiction. Some people in the community assumed they knew my gender and pronouned me as such in the comments. That was the first time I had ever experienced gender euphoria. I was....upset, when someone corrected them. Would have been nice if they asked me first. I enjoyed the confusion quite a lot actually. And since I have a terrible time coming up with names for things (my screen name is from 20 years ago and I never figured out a new one) so I don't know where I would start building up a new persona. And for what? To get the rush of people not knowing which pronouns to use? I hate it. I want it. I don't know if I can ever come out as trans. People think trans means m2f and f2m, and it doesn't really matter to the public consciousness that there's more to it than that. I want to scream at people that I'm trans, but i don't know what I even want my body to look like. If I woke up tomorrow and I was suddenly transformed would I be happy? I have no idea. No? Yes?

I don't know who I am or how to even identify. I'm a disabled, autistic, lgbtq ethnic minority with no financial freedom, and my 40s are approaching. Life is a challenge. Sometimes I wish I could just Danny Phantom it up. And by sometimes I mean daily.

[emikvs]

SIDE EFFECTS MAY VARY. PLEASE CONSULT A DOCTOR BEFORE TAKING ANY MEDICATION....

                    september 14th, 2018    10:55 p.m.    los angeles, california    ocean view recovery center

                             journal entry #1. apparently i have to write these everyday, can you believe that? literally who am i talking to. dear therapist reading this, i think you’re stinky and a nosy piece of shit. ok that was mean. not a piece of shit, but the tie you wear kinda makes you look like an asshole. you kinda look like the old dudes that hang around my dad at political fundraisers. guess that’s why he picked this place, huh? but for real, i hope you don’t wear that tie again. it upsets me. you guys are supposed to care about that stuff right? if i’m upset? well i have some more to complain about. dinner today was okay. i give it a 6/10 stars. okay, maybe it would have gotten a 7 if you didn’t give me green jello. not even red jello.....but green. i can’t even begin to describe how much that upsets me. even the hospitals know better. fuck. i really wish i was high. 

                         october 29th, 2018    10:13 a.m.    los angeles, california    ocean view recovery center

                             journal entry #45. some of the people here are really weird. i can’t tell if they’re celebrities or not when everyone starts whispering around them, or if they’re just really fucking weird and that’s why everyone is whispering.  i will get to the bottom of this. also, i just want to say i think it’s very unfair you keep asking me about my dad when i know he did some not so legal stuff to get me here and out of school without penalty. doesn’t that make this center an accomplice? i’m not sure how it works, but what i’m trying to say is it seems a bit unfair on my end for you to be trying to act all professional and stuff when i know you aren’t. ask me about anything else. maybe drugs? isn’t that why i’m in rehab? whatever. there were oranges at breakfast today. i liked that. 

                        december 25th, 2018    8:05 p.m.    los angeles, california    ocean view recovery center

                            journal entry #102. merry christmas! i think i’m finally remembering just how miserable it is to be sober. i know, not what you wanna hear, but for the sake of honesty i’ll go on. it’s not that i miss the drugs, exactly. i just miss being happy. that warm fuzzy kind of happy where i can’t feel anything. my brain doesn’t know how to do that without drugs. i don’t think it ever did. wanna know a fun fact? i never liked christmas very much as a kid. i though santa was a real asshole. all my life my parents would warn us about bad men that break into homes and how they were dirty criminals, but this red suit motherfucker gets a free pass because he leaves us presents? i didn’t get it. i thought santa was a bad guy. so one christmas, i think i was six, i stayed up. i waited for my sister to go to sleep and then i snuck out of our room to use the phone in the kitchen and i called 911. i told them someone was breaking into my house. naturally the cops showed up. i mean, you get a 911 call from a kid i guess you assume their parents are being held at gunpoint or something, i don’t know. but they took it seriously because they showed up to our house even though it was christmas and it was snowing. and i remember being so furious that santa hadn’t shown up. i was throwing a fit, crying and stuff. and my mom must have thought i was sad because there were no presents under the tree because all of a sudden she’s telling me that santa isn’t real, that daddy is the one who leaves the presents under the tree. that was my moment, the one people always talk about, when you figure out your parents are just people. that they kinda suck just like everybody else. i wish it was snowing here. i like the snow. it makes things quiet. 

                                   may 7th, 2019    2:34 p.m.    los angeles, california    ocean view recovery center

                           goodbye journal. goodbye ocean view. goodbye nosy (not a piece of shit)  therapist. don’t hate me, but i bought you a tie. it’s got cats on it. nobody will mistake you for an asshole ever again if you’ve got cats on your tie. you can thank me the next time i overdose and have to check back in. (i’m kidding) 

                                  CAUTION. SIDE EFFECTS  MAY INCLUDE...

september 9th, 2019    2:33 a.m.     charlottesville , virginia    university of virginia                           

                          dizzy ––––– she’s dizzy and she wishes she could blame it on the molly she’d stolen from cynthia, the molly she’d swallowed dry when she’d slipped out of sage’s apartment while everyone had been too distracted to notice, but she figures it’s all the other shit that’s got her legs literally shaking. plus it’s been a couple of hours now, and emiko really doesn’t think she’s high anymore. there’s too much noise inside her head. too many thoughts. she’s sweating despite the chill in the air, fall kissing summer as it says goodbye, the breeze blowing strands of dark hair into her face as she walks across a mostly empty campus. for a moment she’s tempted to take her shoes off. not for any particular reason, except maybe the hope that the action of curling her toes into solid ground might be enough to remind her that she was attached to her body still, her mind playing tricks. shadows dancing at the corners of her vision, the wind rustling through the trees sounding like voices ––––– she considers whether or not she’s going crazy before remembering the insane don’t ask those kinds of questions. the realization was more of a disappointment than a sigh relief. perhaps if she was out of her mind, truly out of it, then nothing would matter. every event that had transpired would be nothing but a string of meaningless moments. memories that held no substance, events that carried no weight or power. she’d be free. it’s in that moment that she starts to cry, her tears warm as they slide down her cheeks, the saltiness gathering onto the curve of her lip so she can taste it in her mouth. and then she laughs. if someone saw her now, alone and teary eyed, nails bitten down to bloody stubs, what would they think ? she’d like to imagine whatever narrative an onlooker might place her in, it would be kinder than the one she’s currently living. fuck did she need to be high right now.

                          there was a biology major that owed her a favor. and while neither of them remembered how exactly this debt had been acquired, he’d opened the door when she’d knocked, the scent of marijuana wafting the way someone’s perfume might if you stand too close.  “ ––––– emi ? jesus christ, you look like shit. ”  she didn’t doubt the truth in his statement, because she felt like shit, like every breath she took was filling her lungs with more air than she could handle and she was one second away from choking on it. still, he’d let her in, not asking any questions besides if she wanted water and if she wanted to do a line of coke with his girlfriend and roommate. she’d said yes to the coke. sitting at the edge of the couch after losing count of how much she’d snorted, emi had been counting the tiles on the ceiling before she’d spoken what would be her first sentence in over an hour.  “ have you ever almost died before ? ”  and she’s not talking to any one of them, really, their faces like little paint smudges on a much larger canvas. she can’t even tell if she’d received an answer, the sound of her own voice deafening.  “ there’s nothing there. no light, like in the movies. it’s just fucking empty. ”  she lost track of time after that. at some point she’d ended up in the bathroom, the coldness of the tiled floor a blessing to her fever hot skin. when she gets up, she’s met with her own reflection for the first time all night. her eyes are bloodshot, dark circles beneath them prominent enough to make someone think maybe it’s mascara that’s smudged under there. her bangs were matted into a sweaty mess, slick against her forehead. she smiles, just to see if her reflection does the same. the image didn’t feel real. that’s when she sees the pill bottle next to the sink. 

  ��                     impaired judgement. emi had always found it funny how that was listed as a side effect for intoxication, as if the judgement of a sober person was automatically assumed to be logical and clear. but that couldn’t be the case. no, impaired judgement was a side effect of being human, of being an imperfect creature with a tendency to self destruct. the pills she’d stolen rattle inside the pocket of her hoodie. emi feels them like a weight, as if every round capsule were made of lead and they were heavy enough to break through the lining and spill across the floor, exposing her for the thief she was. she wouldn’t have taken them if it had been any other normal night. she’d been desperate before but never like this, the urge to keep numbing herself until she slipped into the dreamy confines of unconsciousness stronger than she’s ever felt before. and that image  –––––  the knife plunging into ashley, over and over. she wanted so bad to be rid of that. above all else, that was fucking with her head the most, like a movie she couldn’t figure out how to pause before it had learned to loop. her place is empty when she arrives. she hadn’t been checking her phone all night, but she figures maybe everyone is still at sage’s place. or maybe everyone had parted. or maybe they’d all disappeared like mina had, there one moment, gone the next. mina. the thought squeezes her throat shut, her chest tight with....grief ? or maybe it was panic. fear. hopelessness. she was too high to think about it too hard, to decipher just about anything that had happened since she’d slipped away from the rest of her friends. she takes the pills out of her pocket when she gets to her room, cross-legged on the bed as she realizes she’d swiped somebody’s anxiety medication. xanax. i’m a shit person, emi thinks, fingers going white as she grips the bottle tighter. she’s never missed rehab before, but in that moment she does, misses the way she had someone to talk to when the thought of doing something really fucking stupid crossed her mind. 

ANY ABUSE OF MEDICATION CAN LEAD TO DEATH. PLEASE CONTACT POISON CONTROL IF NECESSARY...   

                        one pill. then another. then another. emiko doesn’t remember much about when she’d overdosed, only how she had felt a little bit before it happened. she’d felt as if she was going to die. and it hadn’t been scary, not really, because she couldn’t feel much at that point. it was like pins and needles all across her body, only her body wasn’t her body, and her head was floating so far up into space she’d imagined saying hi to every single one of jupiter’s moons as she drifted past them. and then she’d woken up in a hospital room. that was the part she didn’t like to think about much. the look on her father’s face. the beeping of machines. the scratchy hospital sheets. one pill. then another. then another. if she closed her eyes, she could imagine she was in space, her vision going black. emi had never asked her parents what exactly it was that they’d told her siblings while she was in rehab. maybe they’d also been fed the study abroad excuse, the poolside pictures she’d posted from the ocean view recovery center enough to fool them the way they’d fooled her friends. all she knew was that they didn’t visit her the seven months she was there. on her worst nights alone in california, emi wondered if maybe they did know the truth. if maybe her father had told the rest of the family, but none of them had cared enough to visit her, so disenchanted with the reckless actions of their youngest sibling. but she knew that probably wasn’t true. her father’s political career depended on her secret being kept. family was no exception. one pill. two pills. she looks down at her hands. half the bottle was missing, her heart skipping a beat at the realization of exactly what she’d just done. fifteen seconds –––––  for a good fifteen seconds, emi considers closing her eyes again and leaning back. she’d never believed old people could really die painlessly in their sleep because of natural causes. maybe this was the next best thing. but then she’s up and on her feet, quick to kneel down in front of her toilet and shove her fingers down her throat until she’s retching, emptying her stomach, the burning sensation almost unbearable. when she’s done, she presses her face against the base of her bathtub, her body sinking down to the floor. she lets her eyes unfocus for a moment, everything blurry and white before she shuts them. snow. it looked like snow.    

[nyancheetosmusical]

Defective Squip Possession

@justpidgance and I somehow got to the topic of defective Squips and it occurred to me; what if the Squip was broken and no longer logical, and wished to expedite the process of Jeremy becoming cool?

So I wrote it, and here it is, lovingly copy and pasted from our Skype chat and in the super messy style I use to write ideas like this.

(just a warning if you need it, there’s violence and breaking bones and a fair amount of angst)

the idea is that the squip finds that the only way to accomplish its task is to take over Jeremy and do it for him

which is NOT supposed to happen with regular Squips

it happens slowly at first

while Jeremy sleeps the Squip works on builing pathways and connections in the brain so that he has access to all of Jeremy's nerves and muscles

basically it slowly gains control of the cerebellum

I dont know how but slowly divverting signals to the Squip so soon it is the Squip in charge of the movements and actions

He doesn't take Jer at once

its slow

one day Jer can't seem to control his arm, Squip tells him to pretend that it’s broken

"it'll help you gain sympathy from others"

then at a dance or something the Squip is like "here Jer I can help you do this, just let me guide you"

he never says control

its always "guide"

anyway the Squip leaves some control to Jer but makes him dance real good and he gets compliments

and of course Jer thinks this is all a part of having a Squip

when in reality

this is very, very bad

Rich confronts him one day

his Squip noticed and wanted to alert jeremy that he has a dangerous half-functioning virus in his brain

But Jer's Squip can't have that

only he knows whats best for Jeremy

so mid convo before Rich can say anything JSquip just takes over real quick and makes Jer just deck Rich

and then gives Jer control "RUN RUN RICH WAS GOING TO DO SOMETHING DANGEROUS GO"

and that night

JSquip realizes he has to act quickly

RSquip noticed

so when Jer wakes up in the morning

and tries to get out of bed

he’s shocked he can’t

he can’t move at all, actually

"UH HEY SQUIP I CAN'T MOVE" he screams in his head

"I know Jeremy."

"A LITTLE HELP???"

"oh I am helping"

"just relax, it'll be easier. I've got this"

So now Jer lays in bed and when his dad comes in JSquip easily makes Jeremy say that he’s sick

so his dad goes off to work or whatever

The Squip waits until the sound of the car is gone

and then he's got Jeremy moving

"W-What are you doing?"

"I'm getting you what you want"

"I-I don't like this, let, let me have my body back!"

"Shhhh, Jeremy, it'll be alright"

"no NO NO THIS IS NOT ALRIGHT-"

"would you prefer if I sedated your consciousness?"

"NO THAT'D BE WORSE-"

"actually that'd make this easier. Alright....there we are. Sleep tight, Jeremy! I'll retrieve you soon enough"

and Jeremy is falling, falling, falling

there is absolutely nothing

The Squip, now completely in control, grabs what he needs and hops on Jeremy's bike

He takes them far, far away

out of the city

out into the middle of nowhere

they stop at a sheer rock face

there is no one around

The Squip has been planning this for a while

He brings Jeremy back

"PLEASE PLEASE DONT DO THAT AGAIN I-"

"shhhh, Jeremy calm down. If you can't stay calm I'm going to have to send you away again, your thoughts make processing hard"

the Squip makes Jeremy hug himself and hold himself until inner Jeremy calms down a bit

"w-what are we doing...?"

"Jeremy, I'm going to help you be popular."

"....can we go back to the way we were doing before? That was just fine?"

"tsk tsk, Jeremy. are you questioning me?”

“...”

"I told you that I am here to improve your life. And I am! There are just some hard things we have to do to get there"

"...wait, hard things? What do you-"

The Squip suddenly takes Jer's bike and hurls it down the rock face

"...what are you doing…?”

Jeremy can feel his face smile, though not of his own accord

“Helping.”

and The Squip scales down the rock face

he gets about 2/3 of the way down

but they're still up quite a ways

"Okay Jeremy, do you want me to put you away for this?"

"wha-put me away? FOr what? What are you-"

"Oh that's right, you said to never do that again. Alright. Please keep the screaming to a minimum"

And the Squip lets go

they're falling

They land with a loud crashThey land with a loud crash

The Squip doesn't numb the pain at all

he lets Jeremy feel it all

the impact, the rib fractures, the smack of his head, his jaw slamming shut, all of it

Jeremy cannot keep the screaming to a minimum

he is screaming in agony

but also fear

"AAAAAAAA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT ARE YOU DOING-"

"hmm...I seem to have miscalculated. That wasn't the right angle. Oh well, I guess we're going to have to do it manually"

Jer gets up (doubling the pain for Jeremy)

and walks on over to a sizeable rock

"sorry I have to do it this way, but trust me, it'll all be worth it

the Squip grabs the rock

and brings it down on his leg, hard

Somehow the pain got worse

the squip examined the now broken leg

“Hmmm...that’ll do”

he then pulls out Jeremy's phone, which he had wrapped protectively so it wouldn't be broken on impact

And dials 911

And for the first time that day

He lets the real Jeremy in

Jer screams and screams

He’s calling for help

he doesn’t even know who to

but he realizes he can audibly hear his own voice

soon enough he's shoved back into himself and the Squip takes over, copying his tone

"H-HELP, I F-FELL DOWN THE CCCCCLIFF AT...HGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGASD.......BY RELD ROAD AND AND AND I THINK MMMMMY LEG IS BROKEENNNNNNNN"

"We'll be on our way, hang tight"

And they sit and wait

The Squip slowly begins to numb the pain

"I'm sorry, Jeremy, but you have to know what it felt like. It's okay, I'll take it away now, just calm down."

and a part of Jeremy knows that this is crazy manipulative and that the Squip is bad

but if listening to the Squip and trusting him makes the pain stop that would be good

(and then I was going to go to bed and going to summarize the events but I ended up starting to write them anyways, go me)

basically what happens is he gets a ton of sympathy from people (step 1), and then he get's close with Jake bc of their shared experience (step 2), and from there he rises

and when I say 'he' I mean the Squip

Jeremy is no longer allowed in

he just wants to get rid of the Squip and we can't have that

But the Squip keeps pulling stunts like this

And….

He is a damaged piece of machinery

so….

It doesn’t always go favorably

and Jer slowly goes insane inside his own body

and both Rich, RSquip, and Michael all are trying to stop JSquip

JSquip realizes

So he takes Jer out into the wilderness again

to fake Jeremy's death

but things don't go according to plan

a tree falls on Jer, pinning him in place

no matter what the Squip does, he can't move

he doesn't have any equipment to call for help

they are in the middle of nowhere

so Jeremy is going to starve to death in the woods

The Squip tries to comfort him as the days go on

He offers to put Jeremy away but Jeremy can't think straight anymore

so, not knowing his host's wishes, he just lets Jeremy starve in peace

after 4 days

someone is coming

it is Rich and Michael

it took RSquip a long time to pinpoint the signal bc JSquip had tried to mask it

but as Jeremy got closer and closer to death the signal had been easier and easier to find

They have Mtn Dew Red

But wait

Says RSquip

We can’t give it to him

We have to wait

M: “what do you mean, ‘wait’??? He’s dying!”

RS: "we have to let him get closer"

"otherwise the Squip will reject the Mtn Dew Red"

so Michael and Rich have to let Jer think he's going to die

So they come over

And JSquip sees

And there’s not much he can do

Jeremy is pretty gone

But with what he can do, he please with R and M to help him, to save him

but RSquip has different plans

R: "sorry, asshole, but we only came out here to watch you die."

J: “...what?”

M: "after the way you treated us? You think we could forgive you?"

and actual Jer is hearing this too

Inside his own brain

and he hurts

what had he done to people?

for the millionth time since he had lost control he wished he had never taken the Squip

Squip usually berates him evertime that happens but he's too focused on trying to keep his host alive

Rich and Michael eventually sit down in front of Jer, just out of arms reach

and taunt him for hours

eventually

Jer goes

he passes out, body trying to conserve energy

his brain slowing

RS: "okay NOW we have to act quickly so his body doesn't sustain anymore damage

Rich and Michael, who had felt sick to their stomachs about insulting a dying kid (and for Micahel, his best friend), are more than happy to pour Mtn Dew Red into Jeremy's mouth, make sure he swallows, and call 911

They don't want to move the tree bc they don't know if Jer has a spinal injury

but they sit and wait

Michael sits down by Jer

Jer looks so awful

exhausted, pale, starved

if he didn’t feel the pulse, Michael was sure he was dead

His former best friend of 12 years

potentially dying in his arms

Michael holds what part of Jeremy he can

puts his head in his lap

covers him with his jacket

starts to go through Jer's hair and pick out sticks and dirt

all the while apologizing that he hadn't been able to stop this sooner

The rescue teams are getting there soon

but before they do, Jeremy comes to

He is present for a second, and then realized that he is alone in his head

he wiggles his fingers

and he can

For the first time in months

Jeremy controlled an action his body took

and he realizes he is alive and there is someone there

It takes him a second

but he realizes

it’s Michael

But Michael had just said that he was here to watch jeremy die bc he hated him

Jeremy began to cry

the tears coming out of his eyes were his own

The breaths he took were his own

Michael realizes Jer is awake

He tilts Jer's head up so he can see Michael's face

But Michael doesn't say anything

and with what strength he has left

Jeremy just says

“I’m sorry.”

the tear tracks tracing lines through the dirt on his face

with his eyes he is taking in Michael for the first time in months, no longer optically blocked

and it;s then that Michael knows it's Jeremy and only Jeremy

M: "....good to have you back, buddy."

[survivingthejungle]

hello friends here is a part 2 for my most recent one shot! i am really just about to babble a bunch of words onto my screen but i hope they are good words

_______

You were recovered, fully, and on your meds 24/7, no exceptions. (Your family [and you] didn’t want a repeat of what happened the last time you didn’t take them.) People thought of you differently, of course. That was to be expected when people find out that you had to go to an asylum for the criminally insane for attacking a boy with a lacrosse stick. You didn’t mind, you had kind, loyal friends who never thought anything but the best of you. Anyone else didn’t really matter. You were allowed back on the team eventually, and got right back into the game like nothing had ever changed.

There was one thing about that fiasco, though, that still haunted you. The screaming please of the ginger boy you had befriended during your stay. You didn’t tell any of your family or friends about him, for good reason. (They would be wary of you if you told them that you made a friend in an insane asylum. They would worry for your safety if you told them he threatened to find you.) You did your best to forget him, but sometimes his empty threat and screams, or memories of your short-lived friendship, still managed to make their way back to you. You wished it would stop.

But regardless, no one but you knew about these thoughts. You successfully got back on track in all of your classes. Being an honors student was demanding and tiring, but it was beneficial to your academic growth and college applications. You were a fast learner, to your advantage, and catching up on the material you missed only took a week or so. Life was back to normal sooner than you realized, and you were happy. Sometimes, you forgot for a moment about where you had been and who you had met. Study dates in cafes and running amuck (abiding every law, of course,) in the city allowed you to feel like it was all just a strange dream. But all dreams come to an end, and this one was about to.

The stories blaring on the news all had one thing in common- 6 prisoners in the asylum had managed to break out, and were not nowhere to be found. What scared you the most about this was that Jerome, the ginger boy, was amongst them. But you kept your cool as best you could- no one knew about your relationship with him, and you didn’t necessarily want anybody to know.

Of course, as soon as he was broken out of prison, the first thing he decided was that he was going to find you. After all, he couldn’t go back on his word (he was a man of honor, after all). He only had one condition for agreeing to do Galavan’s bidding- it was to have you. He wanted you back. What you thought of as a convenient friendship, he always thought of as something more. In his mind, the moment you allowed yourself to be comfortable with him, you became his. He was under the impression that this was an unspoken agreement- you, however, never came to see it that way.

The both of you were in for a rude awakening.

It came one day after you returned from practice after school. Your parents were out of town on a business trip, so the house was empty for him to break into and await your return. (Your dog- while you loved her dearly- was not, by any means, a guard dog. If she was given attention, she was perfectly placid.) When you got home, you found both Jerome and your dog sitting on the floor of your living room. You froze in shock and let your bags, both school and sports, fall to the floor with a thud. That was when he looked up at you and instantly broke out in a grin. “Well hello there,” he said, standing up and talking painstakingly slow steps towards you. “Long time, no see, huh?”

Your breath was shaky when you tilted you head to look at him. He was looming over you, had you backed up against a wall, and you were beyond intimidated. “Why… why are you here?” He let out a well-mannered scoff.

“Why do you think? I told you I’d come back for you, bird. I wouldn’t break a promise.” He took notice to your fearful expression. “What’s wrong? Something bothering you?”

“Please… Please leave me alone. You’re sick. You need help. Please get out of my house. I won’t tell anyone.”

(This was a lie, of course. You were calling the police as soon as possible.) He just laughed at this.

“What are you talking about, (y/n)? I’m not leaving here without you. You’re mine, we were made for each other.” You scrunched your brows in confusion. “All you have to do is free your mind… these people have it clouded. You think you’re sane, but really… you’re just trapped. I know you can’t see it just yet. But don’t worry, I’ll show you.”

Now it was your turn to laugh. “‘Show me’? Jerome, there’s nothing to show. I’m not a psychopathic anarchist like you. I don’t want to 'free my mind’. I’m perfectly happy being sane and healthy.”

He just shook his head. “Wow. They really did a number on you. Just about snuffed out your spark! But I’ll get it back to ya in no time, believe me.”

“Why do you care?” you blurted out suddenly. “Where is this all coming from- why won’t you just leave me be?”

He tilted his head at you, genuinely confused. “Well, because- because you were made for me! You’re mine. I need you."

"Well then you'd better stop needing me, Jerome, because I'm not yours. You can't just come in here and claim ownership over me, like I'm some... some thing! People don't belong to people, and I don't belong to you. Get out." You didn't know where the sudden courage to say this came from. Beneath your tough exterior, you were terrified that he would lash out and kill you any second. But you composed your posture regardless.

"Is that so?" he questioned, taking it concerningly lightly. "Well then. I can see when I'm not wanted. Take care, then. But you'll regret this sooner or later. You'll come to your senses and see that you're mine soon enough." Finally, he stepped back, far enough to let you take a deep breath and not bump into him. He began to walk away, when he quickly turned on his heel. "On second thought," he looked at you, "I can't just leave you like this."

You began to form the beginning of a question when he had you pinned to the wall, again, hands around your throat. You struggled against him, clawing at his arms and hands. (Damn it, you play lacrosse, why can't you fight back harder?) "Don't worry, I won't kill ya. Just make ya sleep for a few hours. Don't want ya callin' ol' Jimbo down at the GCPD, now, do we?" You slumped to the floor, black spots forming in your vision. "Sleep, princess. I'll be back soon enough." His threatening promise was the last thing you saw before you totally blacked out and fell into a deep slumber.

Hours later, when you finally awoke exactly where he had left you. You were a sobbing mess, and there were fresh bruises scattered along your throat. It registered in your mind that he now knew where you lived, attended school, and could kill you at a moment's notice. You rushed to the phone and dialled 911, hands shaking. When the operator picked up, you spilled everything that had just taken place, taking a few, short shaky breaths after talking a mile a minute. The police, as well as an ambulance, was on the scene in five minutes. You contacted your parents next, and they booked the earliest flight possible to get back to you.

You saw his shenanigans on the news throughout the rest of that week. An oil truck heist, attempted arson, and raiding and massacring the police station.

(What scared you most about that one was when he talked about you in his cheaply-recorded monologue to the police chief. He vaguely mentioned his anger at society for tainting the mind and heart of his 'pretty bird', followed by a rant about being cogs in a machine. It was unsettling.)

You didn't sleep well for weeks. One night, you woke up in a cold sweat, convinced that he was in your room. You fell back asleep soon after, but in the morning, Your window was open and there was a rose by your head.

(You went to your backyard and burned it. You held it up high, just incase he was hiding somewhere, watching.)

(He was. He brought back two more the next night.)

This game of retaliation continued for a few days more, until it stopped. He was stabbed in the throat on live television, after hours of terrorizing a charity gala. You were relieved, of course, but a small part of you was disappointed.

(You did really want him to get better. You wanted to be his friend, you really did, but not if he was a psychopathic criminal who didn't care about anyone but himself.)

(But he did care about someone other than himself.)

(It was you.) (Deep down, you knew it, too.)

________

YEET SKEET I WROTE IT

i'm so tired

i thought i would let u kno im getting a lot closer to one of my friends and its making me really happy. we will refer to him as cool boy.

dumb boy still walks through my life every now and then. i can't avoid that. he's dating one of my best friends. he said he wanted to still be friends but hasn't taken any initiative on that yet. am i disappointed because we used to be so close and now we don't talk anymore? yes. will it kill me? hell no

im still so tired.

another guy friend, we will call him ugly boy because he is an ugly boy, started dating another one of my good friends recently. they are cute as hell and i hope he makes her happy bc she is a great person and her last boyfriend was a jerk.

i, myself, still have no love life. im cool with that. i've managed this much of my life without a man and i don't necessarily need or want one at the moment. the boy previously known as cute boy is a bit of a bore anyways.

please gimme feedback on this fic ALSO thank you i need constant validation that u guys like what i do, since, u know, i do it for u, and i don't get paid for this

[mojput-mypath]

I don’t want to hashtag the thing that is changing the world.

Some would say there is more time during the COVID-19 lockdown. Not sure, really. Life suddenly became something closer to a prolonged summer holiday, for a bit there. You know how, at the very beginning of your holidays, it takes time for your mind, your body to adjust. Both buzzing from: 1. stress you are trying to leave behind and 2. excitement you are feeling about going for a holiday? The first few hours/days, you need to adjust to the slower daily rhythm, to the long hours of lying on the beach and the slowness that is naturally induced by the almighty scorching sunshine. And then you get used to it.

Everything starts moving as if in slow motion. Only, a prolonged summer holiday becomes a sort of torture after some time, because I think not one person in this world can be so lazy not to do anything at all – for long. Then the transformation starts coming in. Cooking, baking, sowing, knitting, biking, calling friends… In this situation, with no possibility of any kind of prediction for even tomorrow – we are just stuck with the now. Amazing. The whole world forced to be in the present moment.

Everyone fully living their family and life situation. With little possibility of running away from where they found themselves.

I will not philosophise about the lockdown. I think you had more than enough time and have seen too many chain messages about how the lockdown is good, and how it is bad. It was intense for a bit there, then it just became another current reality and everything inside went to normal, more or less.

What has been going on with me? A lot, I guess. In short: FAMILY; FOOD; LIFE. In that order. My little family. My partner, his kid and me. Us. We. Little family. Family. Who would say there is so much satisfaction in a little family? So much beauty and so much love. And so many weird things.

My life, since October, has just flipped over into another dimension. I think of my life from less than a year ago, and do not know who that person was. My desires, priorities, goals, life path – everything has changed. Then this ‘nothing short of a WW3’ happened. Everything changed again.

Nature squeezed me out twice. Firstly, the changes arrived with my body’s red alert system turning on. Secondly, COVID-19. 911 situation, again.

Before October, I thought I had a choice. That I had been making choices. To be honest, it was tougher to think I had a choice. It is easier to accept that you do not. It’s much more appeasing.

A couple of months ago, just before the lockdown, I met people I have not met for 10-11 years. Another world, another life. I literally went down memory lane for 2 hours or so. I liked having the gap. I liked how the level of closeness that was long ago established, was exactly the same. Like time had not passed. Yet, faces, styles, life-stories differed. I felt proud of everyone. How they grew. I felt a little proud of myself as well. Older=smarter? Maybe a tiny bit more mature – or? Not? Haha.

Did I tell you how I met my young friend, my partner’s daughter on the bus? A funny story, really. One of the many little miracles that life serves us with daily. It was some months ago. I really wanted to meet her. But somehow there was never a right moment for either of us. I remember that day; how could I forget? I felt as though guided by an invisible force. I did things I would normally have done differently. I saw myself doing them and at the back of my mind I was a little surprised, but that was not enough to stop me from proceeding with the strange decisions.

I got a call that day, that I would normally not have answered. At least not then. Someone was calling, and my mind was telling me: no need to answer, take the call later. My actions differred and after the phone having rung for a long while, I picked up. I thought: why did I pick up? The person asked me to meet her and kind of guided me into accepting a meeting at a time I would have rather not arranged it. Soon after I had to take a bus to go to the city.

There were two buses at the bus stop. The first one was insanely packed. Normally, I would have got on the second bus. Normally. If I actually followed my usual pattern. But I didn’t. I somehow squeezed into that packed bus, for no apparent reason. I actually felt nauseous on the bus. After a few stops, the bus emptied out, and I felt like walking down the bus. I was listening to music, loud music. I didn’t really notice people in particular. Then I raised my head off the floor a little. I saw a familiar face. I realised I knew the familiar face very well. I have seen it, observed it closely – in photos.

My first thought was: “She doesn’t know who I am” and then she lifted her gaze and looked me straight in the eyes. I could see she had recognised me. I thought for a millisecond there: she doesn’t know who I am. But she knew me. And I knew her. So, I said: Hello. And she said: Hello. I said: I recognised you from the pictures. She said: I recognised you from the pictures. Hello! Hello.

That is how nature wished us to meet. I am so grateful for it. There could not have been a more fun, more natural way for us to meet the first time, out of all the possible scenarios me and Mr. Partner planned for.

Mr. Partner. Wow. It’s been a while since I was in a serious relationship. Can I even really count the ones that happened app. 15 years ago? Have I ever?

What can I say? Everything I wanted and more. Everything I didn’t want and more. Man, do I understand now what Guru was talking about when he said that love and pain go hand in hand. I know I can come across as insane. But! I am just very sensitive and emotional. And I can also get angry, and upset. Now I can see all of my insanity neatly packed in a big mirror in front of me, in the form of my partner.

I think he’s amazing. Very gentle. Smart. Resourceful. Super handsome. There are not enough words to compliment his amazingness. At times, I feel like he just fell from the sky into my lap, truly like a gift from God. I feel this life is very different from my previous one. Would I want to exchange this one for that one? No way. Do I miss some aspects of that life? Sure, I do. Yet. It is what it is. Am I happy? OH MY GOD! Yes, I am. I like this life. I like to be able to implement everything I have learned so far. I like that things are a little bit less stressful. We have challenges. Of course, we do. BUT. Man, are things better now in my crazy mind. Oh yes, they are.

Whatever is up, it gets so intense at times. And at other times, everything seems just like a faraway dream.

These days are the intense ones. Work is intense, family is intense, friends are going through intense times. Someone said I was intense? Boy, I’m nothing compared to the world out there. I am a mild tabasco sauce. Not even.

The sun is nice though. The sea and the mountains look lovely at sunset. Better to get less hugs than you expect, rather than no hugs at all. The pain is sweet.