#I also found a doctor so hopefully I’ll be able to start meds again soon!

[emmaspolaroid]

checking back into life after checking out is always so embarrassing like sorry i had to run into the woods and exist only as a concept for a few weeks… yeah it happens every year,,,, my husk will rehydrate soon

[creativeashproductions]

Change of Scenery // Evan Buckley

IN WHICH: Captain Bobby Nash has kept a secret from his friends, his wife and his step children since 2015 when he came to LA. Bobby’s eldest and only surviving child comes to LA to reconcile and make amends all the while she catches the eye of a certain blue eyed firefighter.

Warnings: Swearing, death/familial loss, pregnancy, blood, angst, injuries/medical emergency, and fluff

Words: 8k

A/N: Back at it with another 9-1-1 fic. Hope you enjoy, and I may just have to do another crossover with 9-1-1 and Julie and the Phantoms.

TO BE TAGGED SEND AN INBOX/ASK PLEASE!

Masterlist

There are moments in our lives that define us, whether it can be known as a positive or negative, but the outcome is always the same. A six-letter word that strikes fear and excitement into the souls of humans is change. The fear can be for ourselves or as a result of a child, a sibling, or a parent branching out on their own. Unfortunately, you had gone through a harsh and cruel experience on a cold winter night in the city you grew up in.

A typical Thursday filled with classes at the college you attended in Minnesota on a scholarship, nothing out of the ordinary. The plan had been to drive to your parents’ apartment to catch up with them for the weekend. Saturday morning was already reserved for a girls day with your little sister Brook and your mom. In the afternoon, you’d promised to take your brother Bobby to the ball diamond.

Your bag was packed, the plan to drive straight from class to St. Paul the following day to arrive in the daylight. Your dad struggled with worry when it came to you driving in the dark and especially in winter with icy roads.

“Y/N!” Dottie screeched from the living room of the four-bedroom dormitory. The pretty and curvy brunette had been the first friend you made in college.

Typically Dottie was on the quieter side, so when she screamed, you practically sprinted to the girl.

“Where’s the fire?” You demanded with a smirk at the reference to a topic that was a constant in your family. 

The fire drills your father conducted every four months for an exit plan in case of a fire and general information to save yourselves. He had also trained you to remember fire hazards and how to call dispatch with clear information if that time ever came. It never did and hopefully never would.

“The Lakeview Apartments in St. Paul.” Dottie’s dark brown eyes spoke only of pity and concern. The five foot ten roommate literally caught you as you tumbled into her arms with a loud grief-stricken scream.

You were forever indebted to the brunette for the plans she sacrificed to drive you back to St. Paul. There was absolutely no chance Dottie would allow you to both drive and be alone with no news. The media hadn’t released the names of the 148 deaths the fire relentlessly tore from the land of the living.

“I want to prepare you for what you’ll see. Your mother suffered severe third-degree burns over the majority of her body.” The kind nurse, also one of your friend’s parent, explained as she guided you to the Burn Center in the Regions Hospital, “I don’t want to lie and tell you she’ll be fine. You’re an adult Y/N. You deserve the truth and not be coddled.”

“Is she gonna survive?” You quietly asked, “Has she woken up since she was brought in?”

“The doctor placed her on a high dosage of morphine for the pain. Your father hasn’t left her side.” Lucinda informed you with sympathy written as over her face, The hazel eyes unable to adequately meet yours.

“I’ll check on her, then could you take me to the rooms my siblings are in?” You asked, completely unaware Brook and Bobby had been DOA at the hospital.

Your father hadn’t answered the text messages or the voicemails you had left on his phone—radio silent. You couldn’t be mad when he was with your mom, but a text would have been nice.

“This is where your mother is staying for the unforeseeable future. If you need anything, you can call me.” Lucinda softly replied before turning her heel to head back to the Burn Centre’s front desk.

It was horrific walking into a room with no idea if the occupant who had raised you would survive. The confident, gorgeous mother you had for the past nineteen years was unfamiliar to you, the extensive gauze covering nearly every inch of her body. You almost couldn’t even recognize the man sitting in the chair with his hands wrapped. 

“Dad? What happened?” You questioned the grieving man. The only person left in your family as you would soon come to know.

“Y/N?” Bobby gasped, pushing himself to his feet, staring at his only living child. The guilt ate at him just staring at you with those light brown eyes, “Oh, sweetheart.”

Your dad crossed the room in a few steps. The scent of smoke was still clinging to every part of him, but it was fine. Your dad was okay, minus the wounds on his hands. You’d always been closer with your father than your mother.

“Dad, what happened?” You quietly asked the ashamed firefighter that had to reconcile his feelings on the fire and his career—that struggle ending up pushing you away when he really just wanted you as close as possible.

“The building caught on fire after an ember from a heater lit a blanket on fire,” Bobby informed you with his eyes pinned on his wife. Bobby knew the chances of Marcy surviving were incredibly low, and he had to tell you that.

Bobby only knew the details passed on from a firefighter who pitied the man who’d lost most of his family. 

“Is Mom gonna be okay?” You questioned, and the said injured woman in the bed weakly responded.

“Baby?” Marcy quietly questioned from her absolutely still position on the hospital bed, “Uh, Bobby.”

You left your father’s side to be as close to your mom as possible, with the clear plastic separating you for her safety. Your heart shattered at the sheer exhaustion in her pretty blue eyes. 

“Hi, Mom.” You shakily spoke with one hand lightly pressed against the plastic divider. You didn’t even notice when your dad stepped up too.

“Marcy?” Bobby called out from right beside you, just as torn up, but Bobby carried extra weight on his shoulders, “We’re right here, Marcy. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

The muffled grunt of pain, your mom’s attempt to save you from grief, Marcy let out as she turned her head to look at you. You knew deep in your gut that this was the time place you would see your mom alive. And by the look in her eyes, she knew too.

“The...kids…?” Your mom’s breathing became more erratic as she questioned the man she viewed as her hero. The man she believed had saved her and their youngest children, “Where...are they?”

“The kids are fine.” The way your father said it and the tears led to the knowledge once kept from you.

“No.” You whispered, seeing the total grief written clear on his face. The pain meds and agony kept your mom from knowing the truth.

“They’re safe.”

“I knew you’d come and save us.” Your mom breathed as her eyes started hiding the pretty blue you’d now only see in pictures. In your dreams, until even those faded as father time cruelly pulled you along.

Then your worst nightmare happened. You watched as the woman you looked up to flatlined with the thought of her children safe. You’d always know she’d held on just long enough to find out the state of her children. You could only hope she’d forgive your father for lying to her as she died.

“Mom!” You screamed, fighting the arms of an orderly restraining you. You barely noticed the resistance to your frantic attempts.

One minute you were staring at a team unsuccessfully trying to revive your long-gone mother, then you were in a hotel room. The atmosphere tense and quiet between father and daughter, with the ghost of your dead family to keep you both company. You could hear Brook gagging every time you’d kissed your now ex. You could see Bobby toddling after you years ago.

At least you had your father—a father whose guilt festered until he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“It was my fault.” He murmured, staring at the barely eaten burger that tasted solely just cardboard. He couldn’t bear to look at your face, “I didn’t mean to leave it on.”

Your head snapped to stare at him in disbelief, “What do you mean you didn’t mean to leave it on?”

“I-I went to the roof to sleep after your mom kicked me out. I didn’t have my keys to the apartment I had below ours.” Bobby began spilling the lies he’d told to you about his addictions. Of the apartment, you’d had no clue was even in his possessions.

The pain of losing your family tore into you, “You took my mom away from me. I’ll never get to share my wedding day with her. Shopping for a dress and gossiping about boys. I’ll never be able to wipe Brook’s tears during her first heartbreak.”

Each word broke Bobby more and more.

“You stole my future. You’re selfish, ungrateful and utterly pathetic. You cost so many people so much, all because you sought out your next high.” You spat, glaring at someone you’d never expected to hurt you. You didn’t notice your hands grabbing your possessions nor opening the hotel room door, “You couldn’t even properly try to get clean.”

“Y/N-”

“Get your shit together before you kill anyone else. I never want to see you again.” You sobbed with regret already festering in your body, but pride held you back from apologizing.

Upon your return to your dorm with Dottie by your side, you immediately began the process to enter an exchange program. Within a month, your feet entered Sydney Airport. You didn’t return to America for several years.

You took a job as a casual lifeguard on Bondi Beach, met Lucas in a meet-cute situation at the grocery store. You graduated college and found a job as a paramedic as you began becoming a flight paramedic. In 2020 Lucas and you discovered you’d be bringing in a little baby into the world.

Learning about your little Cashew growing safe in your womb fanned the flame of desire to reconcile. Ultimately the pride kept pushing the urge to apologize for the cruel words you told your father further away. You naively believed you had all the time in the world.  

Remember the six-letter scary word? If losing your mom, siblings, and father was a devastating blow, losing Lucas was nearly tied. Your little Cashew lost their father before they even got to meet him. That was push enough to pack up your home and fly back to America with your father’s new address as soon as you could.

In the fallout of the apartment fire, your father relocated from Minnesota to Los Angeles. 

Los Angeles, 2020

As soon as you’d found the nicest but cheapest hotel to stay in until you found a place, you walked the streets of LA. The first order of business of approaching your father at his workplace as you had no personal address. Residing still in Minnesota, Deputy Chief Evans had only given you the address of Bobby’s work.

You could only hope Bobby wouldn’t turn you away. That he was willing to bridge the gap, you’d widened over the years. That he could forgive the silence to each email, he sent when you changed numbers.

“We should go out to dinner.” The female voice was what brought you back to the present time. The woman was beautiful with her buzzed head and clear skin.

Right by her side was a dark-haired male of Asian ethnicity with a bag thrown over his shoulder, “If you’re paying, you bet I’ll be there.”

The two continued to converse in their own world until the man had to literally dodge you when they finally noticed you.

“Does Chief Bobby Nash work here?” You inquired, having no desire to enter small talk when the baby was sitting on your bladder again. You nearly retched when the man stared down at your swollen midsection, shocked, “It’s not his baby.”

Hen caught the evident disgust on your face, “He’s in his office. I’ll guide you there…”

“Y/N.” You supplied the firefighter. Hen smiled in response, “And your name is…”

“Henrietta Wilson, but you can call me Hen. That was Howard Han. He goes by Chimney, and I’ve been sworn to secrecy on the name.” Hen chuckled in her steps to the closed door of the fire chief. Hen swiftly knocked on the door to give Bobby a heads up.

“Come in!” Bobby called from his pile of paperwork he had pushed and waited to work on. It had slipped as the date came closer. Your twenty-seventh birthday, the seventh one since he last saw you.

“Cap, a woman is asking for you,” Hen told her friend and boss. It’s a good thing you didn’t choose to surprise your father because Hen was shorted, and your bump made manoeuvring around tricky.

“What can I do…” Bobby trailed off when he saw the girl waiting to talk to him. The pen in his hand dropped to the table in shock.

Hen glanced between the two equally taken aback individuals, “Am I missing something here?”

“Hey, dad.” You whispered to the man who’d been dreaming of this moment since the minute you left. He’d searched for you at your previous college and nearly made a missing person report.

“Dad?” Hen couldn’t pick her jaw up from the floor if she even wanted to because this was juicy information. Sure, Bobby had caved into telling his team, his family that he’d lost his wife and two children in a fire.

He rarely talked about his life before the 118, but he’d never mentioned having a surviving daughter. Not in the handful of times he’d talked about the tragedy, nor did he have any objects or photos of you. 

“You’re really here?” Bobby lightly chuckled with a twinkle in his eye. Hen had only seen a handful of times. All of them had Athena in the scene, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” You beamed, stepping closer to the man you’d missed dearly, “I’m so sorry for the way I left. What I said was cruel and untrue. You aren’t selfish, and I can’t blame you for something you couldn’t control.”

Bobby grinned. He’d stepped around his desk only to halt when he took in an undeniable development—the baby bump you carried.

“Is-”

“I’m pregnant. Six months along with a baby girl.” You laughed to the apparent disbelief in your father’s light brown eyes. His gaze continued to shift between the bump and your e/c eyes.

“Wow. Sorry, this is...wow.” 

“She’s one of the reasons I wanted to come back. To fix our relationship because I want her to know her grandpa. You’re the only grandparent Poppy will know.” Bobby was quick to tug you into his arms as soon as the first tear dropped down your cheek.

There was so much you wanted to tell your father, but that overwhelming grief rose higher. You’d left Australia where Lucas laid in a plot in a cemetery. You left the friends you’d found in the city. Left the lifeguard job you’d come to love.

“Where are you and your partner staying?”

“He...uh...Lucas passed away recently.”

The arms holding you tightened in response to your confession, “Oh sweetheart.”

“I didn’t know where else to go. I can’t stay in the home we bought. Not the place he died when I couldn’t save him.”

“I don’t know what happened, but it wasn’-”

“Don’t coddle me. I was...am a paramedic. A flight paramedic, to be specific, so I know that my hesitation could be the reason he died.”

Your career took the father by complete and utter surprise because you’d always planned on a different job. Before the fire that claimed so many lives, you’d never entertained a career in the emergency field.

“We have a lot to catch up on. First, you need to know that I’ll always love your mother no matter what, but you need to know. I met someone when I first moved here, and we were friends at first. She divorced her husband. We started dating...sweetheart, I remarried.”

A wave of emotions flared in your chest, from betrayal to sadness and ultimately happiness. Having lost your first love, you understood and knew if love came around for you, you wouldn’t ignore it. Lucas wouldn’t want that.

“I can’t wait to meet her.”

Re-entering into Bobby’s new life was a difficult adjustment for everyone included. Tension had risen between Athena and Bobby for a brief period. Athena hadn’t even been aware of your existence, but she could fault Bobby. Athena had even told her first husband about her late fiance Emmett when they were still together.

It was difficult for you with the new addition of two step-siblings in the same birth order as Brook and Bobby had been. The Grant siblings had welcomed you into the family without any reservations.

“Did you ever get to fly the chopper?” Harry asked as he scrubbed the dirty dish from the Sunday family dinner. 

It was the first dinner that had no awkward tension since you arrived back in the country. Athena had taken a bit to warm up, but it was nothing personal. She’d actually been the one to find you you’d been staying at a hotel. Mama Athena did not like her pregnant step-daughter living at a hotel. She’d actually stormed your room with Hen and Karen as back up to pack your room and leave for the Grant-Nash house.

“No. I had to help keep the patients alive. If I’m telling the truth...sometimes I didn’t even notice I was in the air.” You whispered to your stepbrother. He was just invested in your career as he had been when Bobby first entered their lives.

“That is so cool!” Harry enthused with soap suds splashing your thin knitted sweater. Harry’s mouth formed an ‘o’ when you flicked water onto his face in retaliation.

“Do you know Bondi Beach in Australia?” You inquired the youth with the chore of dishes completed.

“Yeah! There’s a tv show called Bondi Rescue! I watch the clips on YouTube!” Harry exclaimed, hot on your heels to the couch. Out of May and Harry, he followed you around with questions about your life in Australia.

“I was a casual lifeguard. I’m not featured on that show, but I would get called in when a lifeguard was needed. It paired well with my job as a flight paramedic.” You half-smiled, remembering the Bondi lifeguards who had welcomed you into the family. You became one of them when they started pranking you.

“Did you ever see a shark-”

“Harry, go brush your teeth. Leave Y/N alone.” Athena informed her youngest from the open patio doors. Your father, Athena and May had been outside as soon as the table had been cleared.

“But-”

“Harry,” Athena warned the youngest Grant. Harry didn’t attempt to argue with his stern mother; all he did was hug you quickly. You watched the young boy disappear into the hallway.

“He reminds you of your little brother?” Athena questioned. In your time of reminiscing, the older woman had settled in Harry’s previous position.

“A little.” You whispered, “Thank you for welcoming me into the family. For making my dad happy.”

“You know I may have some baby clothes put away if you’d like to use them?” Athena offered with that smile that made you feel at home. Athena was far different from your late mother, with her presence commanding respect and intelligence. Your mom was similar, but I suppose it could be described as a softer touch.

“Anyway, saving a penny is appreciated. I have a question for you also.” You hesitantly started with a bundle of nerves deep in your belly. Athena turned to give you her full attention.

“Well? Out with it.” Athena pushed, but she had a slight feeling of what you were about to ask her.

“My mom was one the strongest women I know. It hurts that my baby won’t get to experience her love and guidance, and you can say no. We’ve only known each other a short time, but would you consider...maybe being a grandma to my baby?”

Giddy was the feeling Athena developed along with the laughing smile that only came from happiness. The woman could only nod her head in response to your hesitant question. To Athena’s knowledge but not yours, Bobby was softly smiling, watching his formerly estranged daughter getting along with your stepmom.

“Oh!” You gasped as your baby kicked hard enough for her foot imprint to be seen through your knitted sweater. 

Bobby was by your side in concern the second he heard your startled sound, but Athena wasn’t that concerned. Athena remembered having the same reaction.

“Are you okay?” Bobby frantically questioned. He faltered when the woman shared a belly-deep laugh at the sheer fear written in the seasoned firefighter’s eyes.

“Poppy was kicking.” You chuckled as your father’s shoulders dropped in relief, “Here.”

Your nimble fingers clasped around your father’s wrist to bring his palm to the spot Poppy was kicking. A certain lightness flooded your entire body, being capable of sharing this experience with Bobby. Watching tears well up in the grandpa to be’s brown eyes.

“Whoa.” Bobby breathlessly spoke as Poppy kicked against his palm. The feeling building in his was exhilarating with the small amount of grief mixed in, “I remember when your mom was pregnant with you. We didn’t know if we were having a girl or boy, but she was adamant you would be a kickboxer. So active.”

Athena watched as the relationship between father and daughter started healing directly in front of her eyes. The Sergeant was about to give you two some privacy when you caught her hand in your free one.

“Here.” You informed the older woman shifting to place her hand where your father’s hand had previously been. Your e/c eyes sought the wonder-filled different shades of brown eyes the couple had.

“You should get some sleep,” Athena spoke, staring at her hand resting on your bump. Her dark chocolate brown rising to find your gaze, “You won’t be getting a lot once she arrives.”

Bobby and Athena watched as you turned the corner to the spare room Athena’s parents used when they visited. For the time being, you’ve moved into the room, and the Grant-Nash house hoped you would stay. May had always wanted a sister, and Harry loved all the stories you told about Australia.

“You know, at some point, you’ll have to talk to her.”

“I just was-’

“-without anyone else being the buffer. Bobby, both your lives is evidence enough that some things are too trivial to stress over.” Athena pinned her stern gaze on her husband. The same husband is actively trying to avoid her penetrating gaze.

“What I did-’

“Is in the past, Bobby. You have a second chance with that wonderful woman in that bedroom and our grandchild. Now, are you sure that having the party at the firehouse is okay?”

A hand supported the base of your back where an ache tended to stay for most of the day. That ache wasn’t the worst symptom of your pregnancy. You had heartburn constantly that tied with unfortunate constipation that had thankfully lessened. Your purse always had a cardigan for the hot flashes as well.

“Perfect! May has my car, and Bobby needed that.” Athena beamed from the open bay of the 118. One of the firefighters, Eddie, if you recalled, snagged your purse and the specific ingredient for a recipe.

“You could have borrowed Bobby’s-”

“His vehicle is in the shop Buck.” Athena interrupted the only member of the 118 you had let to officially meet.

Now there were two suspects of the sudden shortness of breath you started experiencing. It could be Poppy in the limited space in your body or the handsome firefighter. Buck had to be hands down none of the most attractive men you’d ever encountered. His dark blonde hair had minimal height, but the soft waves made your fingers itch to feel it. His ocean blue eyes crinkled at the corners with mirth.

“Ah, so you’re flesh and blood of Cap?” Buck questioned from in front of you. His blue eyes centred solely on you, with half a mind thanking himself that he could navigate the station blindfolded in the dark.

“For the last twenty-seven years, I have been.” You retorted, stopping at the edge of the stairs to the apparatus. Your keen sense of smell catching one of your favourite meals your father had dug up from the recipes he hadn’t used in years.

A zing of electricity trailed off your arm when a calloused palm met yours. Your e/c eyes followed the path of tan skin until it reached the shirt sleeve of Buck’s t-shirt. The shirt emblazoned on the chest with the department’s insignia. The man in the casual uniform guided you safely up the stairs with his hand on your back.

The pressure of Buck’s hand on your aching back muscle nearly brought what would be an embarrassing moan from your lips. Thankfully a gasp of surprise fell out instead at the banner hanging with other decorations.

“What?” You choked, cupping your hands to your face. Pure unadulterated shock and affection flooded every inch of you.

The entire 118 squad intermixed with their loved ones surrounded the open area with grins. On a table behind everyone was many wrapped gifts. But the cake was the most impressive.

A large rectangular cake in the realistic shape of a fire engine parked in front of a fire hydrant with a fondant hose going to the truck. On top of the fire truck was the turnout boots next to the matching helmet, the 118 proudly on it. You adored the turnout coat draping off the top to hang off the side.

“If you look at the helmet, it says Poppy.” Buck enthused, guiding you even closer to catch the immaculate cake, “It has to be the best cake we’ve gotten from them.”

“Hey, my rebar head cake was phenomenal!” Chimney called with a belying grin on his face. His hand encased by a brunette woman about his height with her heels on.

“It’s a long story.” Buck offered as soon as you gave him a weird questioning look, “Let me introduce you to everyone!”

For the next five minutes, you spend it by meeting the family of 118, including Eddie’s completely adorable son. Christopher was happy to sit next to you as soon as Harry had found you. Slowly the others came closer to hear the stories.

“What’re the most common injuries on the beach?” Denny, Hen and Karen’s ten-year-old son questioned.

“Bluebottle Jellyfish stings. On one day, we had hundreds of people come to the tower for stings, and the treatment for the minor ones is stingose spray and ice.”

“My question is how a girl from Minnesota is a lifeguard in Australia. Especially on Sydney’s most dangerous beach.” Chimney inserted, waving his bottle of pop at you, his eyes kept moving towards the wine Maddie brought.

Unfortunately, the 118 wouldn’t be celebrating with the wine until their shifts ended in a few short hours. It was a damn miracle they hadn’t been called out yet.

“This former Minnesotan spent summers at my best friend’s parents’ place in Cali as a lifeguard. Also, Bondi is not the most dangerous beach in Sydney. That’s Tamarama.” You pointed towards the man who raised his hands in surrender.

“Have you ever seen a dead body?” Harry asked, bringing a sobering silence in the question’s wake.

Your body language changed as soon as he asked, “Unfortunately, I’ve seen death as a paramedic and as a lifeguard.”

“You’re a paramedic? I thought you were just a lifeguard?” Buck asked, interested in the new information. Buck could feel his Captain’s eyes on the back of his head; he was sure Bobby could smell the attraction on Buck.

“Casual lifeguard. Called when needed as a backup.” You turned your e/c eyes towards the arguably youngest member of the 118.

“How many dead-”

“Harry.” Athena warned her son from continuing a topic that killed the ease and happiness you’d shown previously, “Why don’t we stop talking about-”

“Too many, Harry.” You interrupted your stepmom with a gentle smile towards the woman, “It’s not just drowning that claims lives but also the cliffs surrounding the beaches. Lifeguards patrol more than the beaches and water. Lifeguards respond to medical emergencies, mostly spinal until the paramedics arrive.”

“Oh-”

“I had a fellow lifeguard leave the job because of the suicides we deal with.”

“...who wants cake?” Karen used the quiet interlude of the much too serious topic for a group of kids barely in the double digits of ages. All referenced children followed Hen’s life to the beautiful baked creation.

“Sorry for getting dark there.”

“We all know the dark side of the jobs we chose to do. You sound like you miss Australia. Are you going to return there?” Eddie questioned with one eye pinned on his son, consuming more sugar than he wished.

Eddie’s question did raise self-doubt, but you knew that ultimately living in Australia was no longer a viable option. 

“There’s nothing there for me.”

Eddie, Buck and your father understood that mentality to a ‘t’ with family complications keeping them away. Your father for obvious reasons, whereas Eddie and Buck each had a living family with opinions only they saw right.

“You’re always welcome here. Especially when you bring that little cutie to the firehouse.” Maddie cooed towards your baby bump. The 911 dispatcher had asked many questions about your pregnancy.

 Maddie was the type of person who could make a stranger feel like they had known for their entire lives.

“Here.”

A plate of the cake was thrust in front of your face courtesy of Maddie’s brother Buck. It is quite literally the perfect size you could ask for. In his other hand, he had a new bottle of water waiting for you to grab.

“Thank you, Buck.” Your shock must have shown in your voice when his cheeks flushed.

“This whole party is a celebration for you, so you shouldn’t have to get up...unless you want to!” Buck rushed to respond, getting more flustered with the amused look of his older sister on him, “You’re already doing something absolutely amazing, so you should get to rela-”

“Buck!” You laughed, ending the older man’s rambling thoughts. The entire party attendees had started watching Buck’s failed smooth attempt.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Buck mutely nodded in response, “No prob-”

The bell was the one to interrupt him instead. The on-duty firefighters rushed down from the upper levels to the lockers. The swift suiting up impressed you as it was like you blinked, and the bay was empty.

“Should be the last call before they get off shift.” Maddie, still occupied with the cake she was eating, “That wine looks so good!”

Your attention snapped from the vacant spots the 118 vehicles parked to the woman ploughing down on the cake. Sure it was good, but not that good. Maybe you could tell as a pregnant woman, or perhaps you just caught some of the symptoms you felt.

“How far along are you?”

Maddie froze, “What are you talk-”

“You’re pregnant, right?”

“Don’t tell anyone. Chim and I found out recently, but we want to wait on telling people. Once the first trimester is over, everyone can know.” Maddie pleaded with two hands cupped under her chin in a prayer position. The pretty brunette using the puppy dog eyes on the new friend she’d made.

“You should tell Buck-”

“We will once we enter the safe zone. So tell me about your baby’s father.” Maddie swiftly changed the subject, unaware of the ache developing in your midsection.

“Lucas Gowan.” You mussed, recalling the freckled half Australian half Scots man with the thick red locks.

“Ooh, is he still in Australia?”

“Technically, he is. I met him at the grocery store near the university campus. I’d transferred to escape my grief. It was purely an attraction at first sight before developing into love at first sight. We convocated and moved into a cosy little place. We’d only just found out about the baby when Lucas passed away.”

As you told Maddie, your hand had moved to cradle the only remaining piece of Lucas. 

“His death was unexpected and sudden. He’d taken a run the morning of our scan to find out baby Gowan’s gender. He fell off the side of the cliff. I was told he died instantly. The investigator believes his shoelace untied, and he stepped on it. Fell right off the side.”

“I’m so sorry.” Maddie breathed, leaning closer to hold your hands in her own, “He’d be so proud of you. For returning to the states. Do you keep in contact with his family?”

“He was an only child. Parents died in a car accident when he was ten years old. He was in foster care until he aged out of the system. Poppy is named after his mom.”

Maddie instinctively knew talking about Lucas was, “You know you get along pretty well with Buck... I’ve never seen him so flustered.”

“Maddie, I can tell you are a very intelligent woman, but you’re wrong here. Why would a guy like Buck be interested in a pregnant woman with a reconciling relationship with her father and his Captain while grieving her baby’s dad?”

Maddie tilted her head to the side, “Because I know my brother. He’s only ever had that look when I first moved to LA. Back when Abby was still important to him.”

“We’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

Maddie’s mouth opened to speak, but you were saved by the bell when Athena called you over for pictures. Then her attempts got thwarted once more when the 118 returned to the house perfectly synced to the end of shift.

“Driving here was the last time until the baby’s here. You’ve got precious cargo-”

“I’m seven months pregnant; I can still drive. There’s no law saying I can’t-”

Never argue with Athena Grant-Nash, “It may not be illegal, but I won’t endanger my daughter or my granddaughter.”

“I have to get to my OB/GYN appointment tomorrow. You and Dad each have a long shift during my scheduled appointment. Harry is both too young to drive and in school. May has a shift at dispatch. There’s literally no one available to take me.”

Bobby watched as two of the most important women in his life argued over something as trivial as driving. Harry shook at listening to someone fighting against his mother; she could be terrifying.

“I can take her.”

Everyone in the fir house turned to the voice who’d offered suddenly and found the sheepish form of a tall firefighter. Eddie’s eyebrows raised at his best friend.

“I don’t work tomorrow. I’ve got no plans. Albert’s got some date with a girl at her place.”

“I couldn’t put you out.”

“You need a ride, and I’ll be bored, so why not take my new friend to her baby doctor.”

“Baby doctor?” Hen parroted to her wife in astonishment towards her coworker and close friend. Both the women found the blatant flirting from Buck to the soon to be mother.

“She’ll take you up on the offer. She’s staying in our guest room. Come early for breakfast before you go. We’ll be having waffles.”

Buck found any excuse to visit the Grant-Nash home with the motive to hang out with you ever since the baby shower. From delivering baked goods from your favourite bakery to insisting on driving you to appointments. Didn’t matter if Athena or Bobby could take you; Buck was adamant he drove you.

The friendship was easy going and very natural, like a ball glove still moulded perfectly to your hand. The hangouts in your home evolved to weekly visits to restaurants with guidelines to the current event happening worldwide. 

Ultimately it even led to a test date.

“You look breathtaking.” Buck breathlessly informed you once he’d gently pushed your chair closer to the table.

“Thank you.” You kindly responded despite thinking the complete opposite to the charming man sitting across from you.

Athena and May had helped you get ready for the date with calming words on how going on a date so far into the pregnancy was okay. Then, your father had tentatively inserted himself with sage advice on re-entering the dating scene.

“I thought we could grab some ice cream after,” Buck spoke up as soon as the waiter had taken your drink order. Buck had decided to refrain from alcohol and went with glasses of lemonade and water.

“You shouldn’t say that. I’ll just want ice cream.” You snickered, caressing the taut belly you’d grown to love. In fact, the firm push of a heel announced Poppy’s agreement with ice cream as dessert.

“How is Poppy?”

“The doc says she’s right on track. Healthy all around and in the position, she’s supposed to be at this stage.” Buck adored the affectionate smile that always appeared when the topic of your pregnancy was brought up.

“That’s amazing! Bobby gushes about you and Poppy. The fridge has an entire door dedicated to sonograms of Poppy. Even a few from that maternity shoot Hen and Maddie surprised you with.”

A few weeks had passed since the baby shower the 118 had surprised you with. Maddie had announced her pregnancy to the joy of the chosen family she had. Bobby had put together a crib he had painted. Michael, Athena’s ex-husband, had started making plans for adding on to the house for a room for the baby.

Despite informing the architect, you planned on moving out when you had saved enough, he’d made a sound argument. Athena would want a place for the baby to stay when you visited, or the woman demanded to babysit.

Now you found yourself in a National forest not far from Los Angeles, posing in front of nature. A surprise photoshoot Hen and Karen had organized with Karen’s brother Trey. Maddie and Athena had been the ones who drove you.

“Hold the teddy bear on your bump,” Trey informed you from behind his professional and intimidating camera. The photographer praised you in the rapid movement to listen to his offer.

“Hey! Maddie! You should take a few photos. I need a pee break.” You didn’t wait for Maddie to respond in your rush to the somewhat rustic bathroom hut.

By the time you returned, Maddie was taking a couple pictures. Then you took some with Athena to have on the nursery walls and for Bobby to have a photo for his desk.

“Now one with all three of you.”

Present

“So a daredevil.” You stated unsurprised that the firefighter had a history of recklessness. You don’t go into firefighting without a taste for danger.

“The bruises and blood fit better than the awful bleached hair during my time in Peru.” Buck laughed, recalling the questionable choice in his fashion pre-firefighting. Sometimes he missed the people he encountered in his period of self-discovery.

“You didn’t wear puka sh-”

“I did. Bleached hair, puka shells and Hawaiian shirts were my staples during my bartending years. I fit in with the aesthetic of the bar I tended.”

“Buck!” You nearly gasped at his raw honesty. Buck didn’t hold back any answers to your questions, but you each strayed from the topic of family.

Talking about the tragic family history wasn’t a good idea on the first time regardless of the time you’d known each other.

“You’re telling me-” Buck halted as soon as he caught the flash of discomfort flicker over your beautiful features, “Are you okay?”

“She shifted. Been sitting on my blad-” You cut yourself off with a hiss of pain. Buck’s eyes widened at the pain taking over your features, “Oh, that hurt.”

Buck went straight into work mode, “Have you been in pain for long?”

“No. A few cramps here and there today, but my doctor said it was nothing to worry about.” You informed the experienced first responder resting level to your knees.

Buck didn’t want to say it, but he was sure that you’d gone into early labour. There was no indication your water had broken, but he kept over the last hour together. Every once in a while, you shifted or pressed a hand to your bump.

“Has your water broken?”

You shook your head, “No, but...oh... that’s not a cramp.”

With that statement out, you clenched your fingers tight on the edge of the table as pain rippled in your belly. A contraction that stole your breath momentarily. In your contraction, Buck had dialled 911. Buck recalled that sometimes a woman’s water doesn't break until right before the birth.

“We’re not getting that ice cream, are we?” You snorted upon being lifted onto the gurney. How fortunate or unfortunate you were to have the 118 right there.

Hen had taken a position at your feet to check on your lower body while Chimney took your vital signs. You honestly didn’t like the look Hen and Chimney shared with Buck.

“What is it?”

“We’re gonna need to deliver here.” Hen sighed, giving you the facts that terrified you. When you envisioned having the baby, it was in a medical centre. Not in a restaurant.

“My office is large and away from the crowd if you want. I can show you the way.” Sophie, the restaurant manager, offered already starting to lead the way. Sophie would never know how thankful you felt for being able to have privacy.

“Okay, Y/N, is it okay if I check how dilated you -.” Hen breathed with her hand, gently disappearing until the thin blanket Chimney procured from the stocked ambulance, “Y/N when I saw I want you to do that.”

Hen didn’t need to check your dilation when she could see the baby’s head already.

“I’m right here.” Buck cooed in your ear. He had held your hand as his coworkers did their jobs around you.

“This isn’t the way I envisioned you seeing my pu-”

“Push.” Hen urged, cutting off your almost vulgar language, but it eased the tension in the small restaurant office. You couldn’t even see Buck’s flustered reaction as you bore down with the contraction, “Good! Take a breath.”

“You’re a strong woman. It never ceases to amaze me the strength women have.” Buck spoke, keeping your e/c eyes on his blue ones. His hand raised to push a strand of your sweaty hair off your temple.

“Once more push!” Hen called out just in time with the last contraction. The feeling of the pressure between your legs popping was moan inducing.

Poppy was silent. Your entire body froze, yearning for the sweet sound of crying instead of the eerie silence. The world stood still as Chimney worked on your baby girl.

“Pulse is strong,” Chimney announced, keeping his attention on the task of clearing Poppy’s throat and nose. And that sweet sound of crying commenced, “Congratulations Y/N, you have a beautiful baby girl. Let’s get you to the hospital.”

Your father beat the ambulance to the nearest ER in pure anticipation at meeting his granddaughter Poppy Nash Gowan. He barely noticed as Buck stuck to your side like glue. Bobby waited outside the door as you got checked over in the room.

“Quite the first date.” You mused towards Buck, who hovered in awe over the life form you had carried for nine months. You’d been pregnant for three quarters of an entire year to his fascination. 

“All my meaningful relationships started with a medical emergency.” Buck finally looked up at you. He’d kept Poppy company in the bassinet while you delivered the afterbirth upon entering the hospital.

“Seriously?”

“Had a tracheostomy on Valentine’s Day with Abby, an earthquake with Ali and a newscaster in a crashed helicopter.” Buck listed off. He hadn’t even noticed scooping the newborn into his arms until he’d sat in the chair by your bed, “Why not add a sudden labour and delivery.”

“He would have liked you.”

The sentence came out of absolutely nowhere. Almost like something had ripped it out of your vocal cords. At the look of confusion, you elaborated.

“Lucas. He would have liked you. I think if it is possible, he might have pushed me into meeting you. I’ll still need to take it slow, but I’d like to give this a shot.”

That was all Buck needed to lean in closer to kiss you—the first of many kisses.

Some might disagree on how quick your relationship with Buck developed, but they didn’t know yours at all. It was natural with the firefighter who stepped into the role of father figure for a growing Poppy. By the time Poppy was one, you’d moved into a house not far from your father’s place with Buck. By the time Poppy was three, a pretty ring had sat on your finger. By five, the young girl had a baby brother. 

“Your parents spoil Poppy.”

“You say that like you didn’t crawl into her crib during her afternoon naps.” You deadpanned towards your husband. Buck had the nerve to sheepishly grin, “You give in each time she says ‘pwetty pwease’ for a cookie.”

“It’s a crime to make her sad!” Buck defended himself, but a grin of amusement threatened his act, “Besides, you crack each time too!”

“Mhm. Just wait until Theo can talk.” You pressed a kiss to the sleeping infant strapped into the baby carrier. Theodore Robert Buckley could fall asleep in a thunderstorm if he was in Buck’s arms.

“Oh! Maddie wants to have Poppy over for a play date. Madster’s been begging for her cousin to have a sleepover.”

Maddie and Chimney’s daughter was only a few months younger than your daughter, but the two were thick as thieves. Buck had referred to the Han daughter as Madster with how similar her mannerisms were to her mother.

“Think they’d take the rascal?”

“Is this code for you wanting to have another?” Buck questioned with a twinkle of mischief in his blue eyes. The same blue Theo had inherited along with a birthmark like Buck’s on his bicep.

“I-” You choked, blinking furiously, “Evan, I pushed Theo out of my body barely three months ago!”

Buck inconspicuously winked in response with the sudden scream of excitement coming from Poppy. The rambunctious five-year-old ploughed into Buck’s legs full force. Falling into the practised ease, you’d unstrapped Theo from Buck’s chest and promptly had his tiny body stolen into his grandpa’s arms.

“There’s my boy.” Bobby cooed to the sleep drunk tiny infant. The little baby is crowded by his Gram Athena and Aunt May, “Gonna have to get you a Minnesota Wilds jersey.”

“Hell no. That boy is LA born and bred. He’ll be wearing a Kings jersey like the civilized.” Michael announced with the sudden arrival of Theo and Poppy’s Uncle Harry.

“Mommy? When are we going to Stralia?” Poppy inquired from right beside your leg. Her tiny handheld is the giant one of her dad.

“In a few weeks. Are you excited to see the mommy’s old friends again?”

“Hm. Can we see Dada?”

Buck may be Poppy’s father, but he’d never let Poppy go without knowing she had two fathers in all. Her first one waiting to meet here decades from the time she was born and solely referenced Lucas as Dada. Buck was grateful for the man who brought Poppy into existence; the little green-eyed tot Buck could never regret. Unlike Buck’s parents keeping his older brother’s existence a secret, the firefighter refused to follow in their footsteps. He’d continue to shower the late Lucas in gratitude and respect. He refused to make the same mistakes as Phillip and Margaret Buckley.

“Of course. C’mon Poppy, time to say goodbye.” Buck guided the little girl to the extended family showering her little brother with love. The little girl was quickly swung into Bobby’s arms, and Athena cooing at your infant son.

Changes. The six-letter word doesn’t have to be terrifying. It can be breathtaking, memorable and beautiful to experience. 

Tag List(s):  (PLEASE SEND AN INBOX TO BE ADDED! I CANNOT GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE ON THE LIST VIA POST COMMENTS!)

9-1-1 Taglist:

@julessbrown 

Julie and the Phantoms Taglist:

[doof-doofblog]

"It's Not Yours!"

Tuesday 4th May 2021

Hello again everyone and good morning! I'm up bright and early today to make sure I get this post up! So in the previous post I recalled everything I had caught up on, and Monday's episode ended on a bit of a cliff-hanger. Now Callum has revealed everything to Ben, are they going to be able to move on from this?! I'm really looking forward to finding out, so without further ado, lets focus on the episode!

The first thing I'm going to mention of course is Ben & Callum! Ben appears to be seething after learning the truth about Callum's betrayal to his family. Even though we all know that Callum was blackmailed into going behind the Mitchell's back, he tries his absolute best to explain himself to Ben. But the one thing that Ben wants to know is who was behind it, as he slams the dining room table in anger he demands Callum tells him truth. Realising he's going to have to come clean, Callum admits that it was Thompson who was behind everything. Ben begins to panic, asking him what he actually knows or what he's been told. But Callum swears that Thompson knows nothing and he hasn't told them anything.

As things escalate, Callum tries to persuade Ben that if they still love each other they can both get through anything together, but for Ben there seems to be no way back from this. He can't seem to fathom that he's been sharing his bed with someone who has betrayed his family and basically become a grass. Later on, as Ben takes some time to breathe and digest what he's just learnt, he take a visit to his Mum's. Kathy can see that Ben isn't looking in the best of moods considering he's due to be married soon. As Ben makes a slight comment stating that she shouldn't have bothered collecting the wedding rings, Kathy sits beside her son and demands an explanation. Ben doesn't really tell her very much, only that Callum has lied to him about something, but Kathy finds that hard to believe and questions whether her own son is has played a guilty part in any way. She actually gives her son some good advice - Callum is the best thing that's ever happened to him, if he loves him he needs to sort things out before their wedding!

As Ben listens to his Mum, he returns to the Mitchell household where Callum is anxiously waiting for him. But this time, there is no raised voices and no arguing, Ben is more quiet this time. In my opinion, it looks as if Ben blames himself for the way Callum has become. He recalls that when they first met, Callum was sweet and honest and terrible liar, but since he's been with him, Ben seems to think that he's somehow turned his fiancé into something he's not. Callum shakes his head, not believing a word that's coming out of Ben's mouth. Ben still voices his concern of not being good enough for Callum, claiming that at some point in the future he will hurt Callum, possibly more than once - not that he'll ever mean to but at some point, Callum will end up hurt. Callum refuses to listen to his partner and asks him straight out whether he loves him or not. Even though Ben admits that he does love Callum, he announces that regardless of that - there isn't going to be a wedding! Could this really be the end of Ballum? Will Ben be able to forgive his partner and actually end up marrying the one person he truly loves?!

--

The next thing I have to mention is Isaac, we saw that he flushed his medication down the drain - are things slowly taking a turn for Isaac now he's off his medication? Whilst he's sat in the Cafe, he seems to be staring at the missing poster of Bailey - but suddenly he begins to rip down every poster he finds as he realises that they've missed a digit on the phone number. Everyone seems shocked by this action, especially Lola. Even though Isaac explains why he's ripped down the posters, it looks as if Lola questions whether ripping them down was the best idea? He could've simply taken them down without ripping them or just simply penned in the missing digit?

As Keegan and Bernie continue searching the streets for Bailey, Keegan is saddened to see one of their posters ripped. Bernie tries to console Keegan by explaining that it could've been immature kids. But as they go off on their separate ways, Keegan witnesses Isaac ripping down more posters. As anger boils up inside him he rushes after him and confronts him about why he's ripping down their posters. Once again Isaac notifies him that he was doing them a favour because they missed a digit. As Keegan checks over the poster he realises his mistake, his anger evaporates and turns into worry, speculating that people might've been trying to call trying to notify them that Bailey had been seen or even found. As Keegan apologises for his outburst, Isaac is completely understanding saying that he would've reacted exactly the same way.

However as the day goes on, Lola decides to pay her boyfriend a visit, only as she walks in she can see that he's looked like he's not slept and is completely obsessed over finding Bailey. Could these small signs be the sign of a breakdown for Isaac? Lola pleads that her boyfriends gets some rest otherwise his meds won't work. However as soon as she mentions his medication, Isaac goes cold and she can see that he's hiding something from her. He realises that he can't keep this secret from her and informs her that he's stop taking his medication, but he's feeling fine! Lola seems shocked to hear this news and questions whether it's the right thing to do, to make sure that Isaac will be okay without his medication, she makes him promise to inform his doctor about coming off his meds. But even though Isaac promises, I've got the feeling that he has no intention about informing his doctor or even his parents that he's flushed his medication.

Meanwhile as the Taylor's are still fretting about Bailey, Jack decides to inform them that another way of getting the word out there about Bailey's disappearance would be to do a TV appeal. Even though Karen agrees to do it, Mitch doesn't feel that it'll make much difference and hides himself away whilst Karen tries to come up with a speech. Will Bailey be found safe and well?!

--

Now the last thing I have to mention of course is the Carter's. As Nancy prepares to open up the gym with Sharon and Zack, Frankie pays her visit trying to inform her half-sister that she completely understands Linda's worry, but also acknowledges that she's on Nancy's side. At the end of the day it's her body and she can do what she wants, she just wants to be the supportive sister. This act of kindness seems to really touch Nancy, she thanks her half-sister and invites her to take part in a trial run of the electric bike. This is the moment where I think Nancy realises that she'll always have a sister there to support her - which I found really sweet!

Only, without Nancy's knowledge, her Mum has gone behind her back and gone to the clinic and cancelled her appointment. Linda of course only thinks she's doing right by her daughter, but she needs to understand that it's not her body, she can't control Nancy's life. Only as Linda tries to explain herself to the doctor, she becomes a little light-headed and has to take a rest. As the doctor offers to check her over to make sure she's okay, Linda seems to realise what is actually happening to her - she seems to think she might be pregnant!

Returning back to the gym whilst Nancy and Frankie enjoy some sisterly bonding, Nancy receives a call and it looks as if it's not the best news. As everyone comes together back at the Vic, Nancy is raging with anger and explaining the phone call she has had to her Dad, she's learnt that her Mum has actually gone behind her back and cancelled her appointment. As Linda enters she tries to explain that she was only thinking of her daughter, but Nancy is furious, shouting at her Mum that she's the one who actually shouldn't be allowed kids! As Nancy walks out leaving Linda and Mick alone - Mick is also shocked to hear what his wife has done and claims that if it's something that Nancy really wants, hopefully she'll be able to rebook her operation.

Linda admits that all her life all she's tried to do was be the best Mum and support her children, but then she states "Maybe I'll get it right next time!" - Mick looks a bit confused and asks what she means by "Next time". But the pin suddenly drops and Mick realises that Linda is informing him that she's pregnant with her fifth child. Mick is completely over the moon, the look on his face is pure joy as he states that this is what the family has needed for a long time, a fresh start and a new little one in the family is just what they need, he joyously even thinks that Ollie would love having a little friend around, but then Linda drops the bombshell that she's actually in fact 5 months pregnant - if the dates add up correctly, it might mean that Mick isn't the father of the baby, and she could actually be pregnant with Max's child!

Oooh gosh!!! This is going to cause more sadness between Mick and Linda isn't it? Will she decide to keep the baby? Will Mick be able to stand by her if she's carrying someone else's child? We know that Kellie Bright is also pregnant herself and will be going on maternity leave at some point in the near future, but what could be her temporary exit story? I've got the feeling that maybe this could be it? Could this pregnancy come between the couple and will she feel the need to leave for a little while? Who knows? What do you guys think? I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions on the recent episode! Thank you all for reading! I am so happy to be back and I can't wait to post up again very soon! Enjoy the rest of your day folks! Love you all xXx

[procrastinatorimagines]

Buy You A Drink?

Fandom: One Chicago / Chicago PD

Pairing/s: Jay Halstead x Reader

Warning/s: drug mention, alcohol mention, trafficking mention

Word Count: 1,737

Request: i wanted one with Jay halstead, sn's sister works with intelligence and calls her to translate a guy who only speaks portuguese - she is also a detective -. Then they go to drink at molly's and she ends up with jay

Summary: Y/N gets called in from Narcotics to help Intelligence question a suspect in a trafficking case

Y/S/N - Your Sister’s Name

as will be apparent if you read this, I used google translate in places, sorry!

You’d been working Narcotics a few years when your sister got promoted to Intelligence; you’d heard a lot of stories about the unit, and it’s Sergeant, Hank Voight, but your sister was happy, so you were happy for her. She’d been on the job a few months now, but you were yet to actually meet any of her team, or her partner even, Detective Halstead you thought his name was; you’d been in and out of an undercover drug bust and hadn’t really found the time to catch up.

Mindlessly chewing on the pen you were holding you flipped through your paperwork; the bigger the case the bigger the case load, you thought bitterly, months of work had finally paid off but that now meant piles and piles of papers and forms to sort through. The ringing of your phone in your pocket was a welcome distraction and you checked to see Y/S/N calling, if it was during shift it must be important so you answered straight away.

“Hey Y/S/N, what’s up? Is everything okay?” You asked, moving away from your desk to talk in the hall.

“Hey Y/N, sorry to call at work, I know you’re busy but we’re working a time sensitive case over here and I could use your help,” she said hopefully.

“Well as much as I’m enjoying my endless paperwork I guess I could help, what do you need?” You joked.

“The sacrifices we make,” Y/S/N laughed a little but it sounded strained, something serious was going on. “We’re tracking some missing kids potentially being trafficked, got a suspect in holding who only speaks Portuguese, or claims to anyway, but the usual translator is on holiday and we need to find these kids. Can you get down to the 21st? I can have Sergeant Platt call your Lieutenant so they know you’re working with us today?”

“Yeah of course, absolutely, I’ll just let my partner know I’m heading out, be there as soon as I can.” You promised, hanging up and grabbing your coat. You’d been working narcotics long enough to understand why people dealt drugs, but people? Kids? That was something you’d never understand, and you were glad of it.

It didn’t take you long to get to the 21st, and the desk Sergeant buzzed you up almost as soon as you told her your name, your sister waiting at the top of the stairs as you headed up. “Hey glad you could make it,” she hugged you quickly, leading you to where you could put your coat and gun before heading into interrogation. 

“Of course, sounds like a tough case.” You followed her to where her Sergeant and partner were waiting in the viewing room. 

“First break we catch and the guy doesn’t, or won’t talk English,” the younger of the two said, offering a hand, “I’m Jay by the way, Jay Halstead, I’m Y/S/N’s partner, she’s told me some stories about you,” he grinned.

“All lies, trust me,” you laughed, turning to the older of the two men. “Detective Y/N Y/L/N.” You offered your hand.

“Sergeant Hank Voight, spoke to your Lieutenant just before you got here, impressive work on the cartel operation, I hear you’re being commended for it.” He shook your hand and you shot a glance at your sister.

“Don’t look at me, I didn’t say anything,” she held her hands up mockingly and you shook your head.

“Glad to have you on board, I need to get back and check with the rest of the unit, they’re patrolling the area around where we picked up this scum bag but Jay’ll fill you in.” He nodded to you and left.

“What we got?” You turned to Jay.

“Okay so this guy-” you looked to the man sat in the interrogation room, “-is Carlito Santana, 42 years old, Portuguese national on an expired work visa to the US, no priors but he is living with a known sex offender that we like more for this, unfortunately he’s in the wind and Carlito here’s our only lead.” You nodded, watching the man in the other room, he almost looked like he was praying.

“I’ll talk to him, see what he knows.” You said and your sister squeezed your arm in thanks. 

“Need company?” She offered but you shook your head.

“This guy looks on edge, maybe it’s better if I go in alone, more friendly and less threatening, I should be able to get him talking,” you said and Jay handed you a file.

“This might be good incentive, turns out his brother is also in the country, got a wife and two kids, his visa’s expired too,” Jay started.

“Just one phone call from us and he’s on the next flight back home,” you finished for him, thanking him and heading inside. 

“Hey, how’re you doing?” You tried in English, he look up when he saw you, watching you with confusion as you took your seat opposite him, laying the file out closed next to you on the table as a last resort. “Ola? Voce prefere Portugues?” You tried and he nodded, apparently he did just speak Portuguese.

“Por que estou aqui?” He asked, wanting to know why he’d been brought in. You explained the best you could about the case, making sure to tell him he wasn’t in any trouble in case he wised up and asked for a lawyer, that was time wasted that these kids didn’t have.

He claimed to not know anything abou the kids, and you believed him, he looked more scared than guilty, and you figured he’d been more worried that you brought him in about his expired visa. He told you what he knew about his roommate, he’d left late the previous night and hadn’t returned, and also told you about a storage unit he thought the other man rented. He kept swearing that he had know idea about any of this, or that the other man was registered, but the room was cheap and he hadn’t asked for any papers, so he hadn’t pried. 

You thanked him and left. You met Jay and Y/S/N out in the hallway and relayed the information. “Where is this storage unit? Did he know?” Y/S/N asked.

“Somewhere down by the water, he thinks, the guy had a bunch of boat gear in his car apparently, I’m thinking maybe a boat house? Not very busy, easy storage and access to an escape route.” You suggested and the others agreed.

“Or a way to smuggle the kids out of the city,” Jay said what the two of you were thinking.

“I’ll tell Voight, see if he’s renting in his own name, or if he owns a boat,” Y/S/N said, patting your arm in thanks and heading back into the main room.

“Good job,” Jay said with a smile, “even if we’d got that, we would have wasted valuable time,”

“You say that like it’s not too late already,” you said grimly and Jay shook his head.

“It’s not over til its over, we’ll find them,” he reassured you, “I think you’re needed back at your district, but we’ll let you know alright, we’ve got this, trust me.” You hesitated before reluctantly heading for the door, wishing you could go down there yourself but you knew your boss probably didn’t like letting you go for this long.

“Hey,” Jay called and you turned back, “have you been to Molly’s yet?” You shook your head, a confused look on your face. “It’s a bar we all go to, Y/S/N included, you really helped us out here, least I can do is buy you a drink to say thanks.” You started to reply but a text message cut you off, “it’s Y/S/N, we’ve got a hit on a boat house rented by our suspects brother not too far from where the kids were taken, we’re moving out now.” He looked apologetic that you couldn’t come.

“Get them back,” you said, “but be careful, I fully expect that drink later.” 

“Count on it.” You both grinned and headed out.

_____________

You found your way to Molly’s easily enough, you’re hands were sore from all the paperwork you’d had to do when you got back to your own district, but as soon as you’d gotten word from your sister about the successful raid you’d been newly motivated to power through it. Apparently Jay’s brother is a doctor at Med and he confirmed that the kids they recovered were going to be okay, but they were being kept overnight for observations just to be safe. 

So all in all you’d had a pretty good day, though you felt bad for Carlito, who was in the process of getting deported, but it was better than going to jail. 

You saw your sister as soon as you entered, she was sat by the bar with Jay chatting to an older man behind the bar, she waved you over as you came in. “Hey Y/N!” She smiled, “glad you could make it, thanks again for your help today.”

“Glad I could help,” you took a seat. 

“Ah, so this is the sister I’ve been hearing about,” the man behind the bar said, “I’m Christopher Herrmann, I work over at Firehouse 51, nice to finally put a face to the name, and the stories.” You narrowed your eyes at your sister who quickly got up from her chair.

“Ooh look at that, Nat’s here, I’m gonna go say hey,” she grabbed her drink and look her leave, grinning at you as you glared back at her.

Jay laughed and took a sip of his beer. “What stories has by dear sister been telling exactly?” You asked suspisciously.

“Nothing too bad,” he said, “I bet you’ve got better ones of her though,”

“Oh definitely,” you said wickedly, “do you want to hear about the swan incident or the the jet ski incident?”

“Both,” Jay laughed, moving closer to take the seat your sister left between the two of you. “Drink? It’s the least you deserve for helping us out today.” He offered.

“Sure,” you said, taking off your jacket and settling in. Molly’s was nice, Y/S/N’s friends seemed nice, and Jay definitely seemed... very nice. As you got your drink and started talking to Jay you cast a glance at your sister, hoping she wouldn’t be too annoyed if you made a move on her partner.

[marveloussupernerd]

epiphany - Yoosung Kim

I fell asleep in the middle of this one too. This seems to be a trend for when I write for Yoosung haha. “Luckily” I woke up around 3:15 and got to work finishing it. A little disclaimer: they never explicitly state what exactly Unknown did to Yoosung’s eye, so I did take a bit of creative freedom. Also have no idea how eye injuries work and did NOT want to Google it (that stuff grossed me out). I think the description is pretty mild / lacking, so hopefully it doesn’t gross you out if you’re sensitive to it?

Warnings: hospital, eye injury (kind of speculating on Yoosung’s injury in his route)

Summary: Yoosung has to return to the hospital after the RFA party to get more treatment, but you decide to visit him this time around to find out what happened and make sure he’s okay

Yoosung was the first to pull away from the kiss, cheeks bright red as he glanced at the people at the RFA party staring at him, breathing heavily as he attempted to catch his breath.

“Yoosung,” you whispered, hands very carefully making your way close to the wraps around his eye. “What happened? I thought you said you were safe.”

“Oh, about that,” he looked down at the ground, not wanting to meet your eye. He looked like a kicked puppy, surely disappointed in himself for lying to you. “I didn’t want you to call off the party or worry or anything. Plus, I am safe! Just a little less healthy than I was before.”

“Yoosung, we should go back to the hospital,” V said, making his way over to the two of you. He greeted you quickly, as this was your first time meeting, but focused his attention on Yoosung.

“You have to go back?” You asked. You hadn’t realized it was that bad.

“Oh, uh, don’t worry!” Yoosung put on his brightest smile for you, grabbing both of your hands in his. “They just wanna keep me overnight again so they can monitor it and change my wraps and stuff. No big deal.”

“Overnight... again?”

“You’re so sweet. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay. I’ll be sure to call you and text you a lot.” He seemed to be trying to wink. You couldn’t really tell, but it did make you laugh, which made him smile even wider. “Take care of yourself, okay?” He asked. You nodded.

“I should be the one telling you that. Let me know when you get there.”

He left. The second he exited the room you worked on your plan; you really wanted to visit him. Jumin made a few calls to ensure you’d be able to stay with him past visiting hours if he wanted you to. Two hours later, you were admitted into his room.

He was sleeping in his hospital bed, a little bit of drool on his pillow. You took a seat in the chair next to his bed, deciding to wait patiently for him to wake up. His nose twitched, eyebrow furrowing. He muttered your name. He was adorable. His eye fluttered open, then shut, then open again.

“Yoosung...?” You asked, unsure if he was entirely awake. He groaned your name again. You giggled. “Are you awake?” You questioned, your voice soft enough that you wouldn’t stir him if he was asleep and dreaming.

“This... isn’t a dream?” He asked, his eye opening, voice groggy. He quickly wiped the drool on the side of his mouth. “You’re really here?”

“Mhm,” you stood up to get close enough to give him a kiss on the cheek. “I hope that’s okay with you. I can come back another time if you’d like.”

“No!” He sounded more alert now, his voice had an urgent edge to it. “I���m so happy you’re here. You should stay here... uh, if you want.”

“Of course. I wasn’t planning on only watching you sleep then leaving when you woke up,” you teased. His cheeks flushed red.

“You haven’t even changed your clothes from the party,” he commented, eyeing your ensemble. He was right. You didn’t want to waste time stopping home and changing.

“Yeah... I forgot to get you a gift too. I’ll bring one in tomorrow or something. I just wanted to get here as quick as possible,” you promised.

“You kidding? Having you here with me is the best gift ever,” he grinned. “I won’t be here for long, but you sure do brighten this hospital room.”

“Do you think they’ll let you out tomorrow?” You sat back down, reaching out your hand so you could hold his, he grabbed it, linking fingers with you, letting your thumb be on top so you could trace circles around the back of his hand.

“They aren’t entirely sure. They don’t see this type of thing everyday,” he stated. He was so indifferent about the whole thing. He was probably trying to be brave.

“Does it hurt?”

He played with his blanket with his free hand, not quite meeting your eyes. “I mean... yeah. But I’m okay. It’ll get better.”

There was a knock on the door, which drew both of your attention. It was a doctor, followed by a nurse. “Hi Yoosung, how’s it feeling?” The doctor had a dazzling smile and seemed very nonchalant. He must see things like this pretty frequently in his field.

“Uh, it’s okay. It’s starting to hurt more again.” He was so brave. It really was amazing to see.

“Alright, we’ll get some more pain meds for you. I want to replace your bandages now though if that’s okay and take a quick look at everything.” The nurse started very carefully unraveling the bandages around his head, the doctor pulling out a little light.

“You might wanna look away for this,” Yoosung advised, glancing at you. “Uhm... it’s not pretty.”

You squeezed his hand even tighter, reassuring your presence. “So, who’s your friend here?” The doctor asked, trying to keep conversation going to take Yoosung’s mind off the pain.

“We’re dating actually,” Yoosung replied. He sounded so confident and happy.

“Congratulations! It’s always nice to have someone to visit you.” They peeled the last of the bandage off. “Okay, it’s gonna be a little bright, but try your best to keep your eye open,” he ordered.

You couldn’t look away. You couldn’t see his entire eye very well, but what you could see... the entire area around it was dark and swollen and kind of crusty. The nurse pulled out some sort of wipe to try and keep the area clean. His eye was very red, very tiny needle-thin pricks covering across his eyeball. “Jesus Christ Yoosung,” you commented in awe, words spilling out of your mouth before you had a chance to think about it. You squeezed his hand tighter. “That’s what you’ve been saying isn’t that bad?”

Yoosung laughed, a tear instinctively flowing out of his bad eye from all the light and irritation. “He’s one of the bravest patients I’ve had in a while, that’s for sure,” the doctor commented, turning to smile reassuringly at you. “Now Yoosung, what do you see?”

He closed his good eye, squinting out of the other. It might have been cute in a different situation. “Colors are still pretty good. Everything just looks kind of smeared though.” His voice was steady; he was so professional about this all.

The doctor clicked off his flashlight, the nurse handing him a roll of new bandages. He got to work wrapping it back around Yoosung’s eye. “It’s still pretty infected, so I’m going to call in a higher dose of antibiotics. And then something more for the pain too.” He took a step back, as though to admire his handiwork. “You’re doing everything you can, though. Just try to relax and let your body take care of it. Relaxing is the most important.”

“Sure thing. Thank you, Doctor,” Yoosung smiled, a sort of sad smile admittedly, as the doctor left, bidding the two of you goodbye and promising to get his medicine as soon as possible.

It was just the two of you again. You glanced up at him. It was silent for a little while, the two of you glancing at each other but not knowing what words to say. Eventually, he spoke first. “I know it’s scary looking... don’t worry about it too much. I’m okay. I’m sorry if it grossed you out or scared you or anything.”

Tears leaked from your eyes; you stood abruptly and gave him the best hug you could given he was in a hospital bed. “I’m sorry,” you cried. He wrapped his arms around your back, rubbing it soothingly. “You didn’t deserve any of this. You’ve been so brave.”

“I feel like I’ve been able to be brave thanks to you,” he was smiling for real now, eye sparkling. “I want to be brave. I don’t want to worry you. I’m sorry I have.”

You paused for a second, voice shaky. “What exactly happened at the hacker’s place?” You pulled away from him slightly so you could study his face, it falling slightly. “You don’t have to tell me! If you don’t wanna relive it that’s okay.”

“No, it’s okay. But maybe you should sit down,” he advised, still smiling. He was always smiling, a genuine smile to calm your nerves. You plopped back down on your chair, reaching out to hold his hand again. “Things were going well for a while, then the hacker found us. He had a button. I was afraid he would blow us up and the apartment... Seven was... weird. Like he knew him somehow. He asked me to stay in the hall for a while.”

“That is sort of weird. Maybe he knew him from hacking school or something?” You rationalized. You didn’t want Yoosung to lose his faith in Seven; he was one of his closest friends.

“Oh! I thought that too. Anyways, he tried to set off the bomb but I stopped him. Told Seven to run away with the detonator as fast as he could, but the hacker caught me. I had ruined his plans so he wanted to have payback or something,” Yoosung’s eyes focused on his blanket. “He knew I wanted to be a vet so he decided to try and take my eyesight so it would be impossible.”

“So that’s what you want to be,” you commented, trying to brighten the mood slightly, thinking back to when he kept his major a secret. He chuckled. “I still think you’d be great at that. With or without a bad eye.”

“I think he was trying to get them both, but he ran out of time. I’m not sure what exactly happened, but a bunch of like SWAT guys broke in and helped me out of the place.”

“That’s crazy,”

“Yeah. It was. But I’m here now,” he looked up, smiling, “With you.”

You were still in shock. “How... how did you endure all that torture though?”

His ears started to heat up red. “Honestly, I thought of you. It was the one thing that helped take my mind off the pain while he was doing...” he shivered, “that. I just dreamt of you the whole time. I couldn’t leave you. Not yet. We were only pre-dating at the time.”

You leaned forward, pressing a very gentle kiss to his lips. “You’re so so brave. My knight in shining armor.”

“I wasn’t until I met you. But I wanna be brave for you.” Up super close he looked exhausted, his under eyes slightly dark, eye droopy.

“You’re so sweet,” you said, your voice quiet this time. “You look tired. Why don’t you try and get some sleep?”

“But... but then when I wake up it’ll probably be night and you’ll be gone!” He whined. He seemed nervous this time to be alone.

“Nope. Jumin pulled some strings. I can stay all night if you want me to.”

“Really?” The smile on his face was contagious. “Of course I want you to... is it really okay if I fall asleep for a little?”

“Of course Yoosung. Get some rest, and when you wake up I’ll be right by your side.”

He shifted to get comfortable, hand still holding yours tight. You scooted your chair closer to him so that he didn’t have to strain his arm to hold your hand. You figured it was helping him feel a bit more grounded. “Good night Yoosung. Sweet dreams,” you whispered.

“Only if I meet you in them,” he uttered, his eye fluttering shut peacefully.

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Why So Jaded? Chapter 4

Chapter 4! In case you missed it, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3. FFN, AO3

Why So Jaded

Chapter 4

Sunday night Violet took the new medication according to the new prescriptions on the bottles and noticed if she took it as directed, it would last her about two months. Which she sadly figured she would be using up in half that time. But at least at first, she was going to follow the prescription.

Monday morning came and Violet came into work with a cheerful smile and more pep in her step than ever and looking particularly breathtaking.

"Don't you look stunning this morning." Phillip praised when he saw her come into his office that morning, her hair was down and in curls and her makeup was done exceptionally beautifully and her attire was more colorful and vibrant and flattering too.

"Well thanks to you, I had a great weekend and the new sleep aids and painkillers are working really well, like exquisitely well. I got a whole, glorious twelve hours of sleep last night, I felt like I was ancient for going to bed at seven pm but I needed it and woke up refreshed and invigorated and I feel great so bravo to the medical team, they are onto some winners as far as meds, this is my favorite batch yet." She appraised happily which got Phillip to smile gratefully and appreciatively and filled him with relief and happiness that she responded so well to the change. Maybe once she was on these meds for a little while and saw the marked improvement, she wouldn't kill him for going behind her back and using Mr. Pine to achieve the breakthrough.

"So what do we have for Mr. Pine this morning?" She asked as she got a new tablet and got it ready to receive new data since the last one was broken beyond repair.

"Uh nothing new. He is working on a new project though that he got over the weekend that he's coincidentally needing to use the medical lab for. So he's actually in the medical lab right now." Phillip carefully and vaguely informed her.

"Oh, ok." Violet shrugged, not thinking anything of it.

"Well it's almost nine, I better check in with him, see if he needs anything. I'll see you later." She offered before she uncharastically kissed his cheek sweetly.

"See you later Handsome." She offered before she left as Phillip practically lit up with excitement. Oh whatever she was on, she needed to keep on it because that felt incredibly genuinely affectionate to him and he was over the moon. Operation Wife was on!

Violet felt so amazing, she felt invigorated, refreshed and not a hint of pain in anything. She could even wear these heels and not feel uncomfortable in the least. She didn't feel like her senses were dulled at all, if anything they were sharper than they were before.

"Good morning Dr. Gjersoe, Mr. Pine." She greeted cheerfully as she came in as Dr. Gjersoe immediately buried her schematics so she wouldn't see them.

"Good morning." They mirrored as Buddy was impressed she still didn't want to kill him this morning.

"I came to check in this morning Mr. Pine, do you have a moment?" She asked thoughtfully, wanting him to have some privacy from everyone else in the medical lab.

"Uh, yeah, sure." He confirmed as he gave Dr. Gjersoe a meaningful glance before followed her out of the lab and into a private office nearby.

"So...do you still want to kill me this morning?" Buddy blurted out which made Violet look at him like he was crazy before she laughed.

"What? Oh, oh because of Friday, no, no, don't worry about it. I actually need to apologize to you because you were just...being a decent human being by showing some sympathy and I was the one who was out of line and I'm sorry." She genuinely offered and it was his turn to look at her like she was crazy.

"Uh...what?" Buddy asked, completely dumbfounded.

"Ok, let's clear the air." She suggested before she did something with the tablet that shut off the cameras and listening devices in the office so they could truly talk privately.

"Ok, so Leslie sent me the audio and video of the conversation you had with Mr. Sebastian after I left on Friday and I watched and listened to it several times. You're incredibly perceptive and I believe that you were being genuine with Mr. Sebastian when you were talking to him and I believe you. If you say that you harbor no ill will towards myself and my family and by the sounds of it, you've been to therapy yourself to come to the realization that you by all accounts were unbalanced and super obsessed with my father which in turn led to some really bad decisions on your part and you regret it and obviously I see some guilt and shame in your eyes even now. And the fact that you put up no argument making me your heir apparent. Tells me that you must have changed in the decade or so since we were last in each other's presence. And a decade can be a long time and a lot has changed since then for both of us and our circumstances are different. And when you told me that Syndrome died that day in the jet turbine, I didn't want to believe you but after that conversation you had with Mr. Sebastian, and if you will swear on Tali - that Syndrome will never, ever get resurrected and the only person I will or anyone else ever interact with from now on is just...Buddy Pine. Then that's all I n\eed. We're both adults and professionals. I believe in giving people enough rope to hang themselves on. So what do you say? Will you just be Buddy Pine, a colleague?" She offered her hand to him to shake.

"I will, And I swear on Natalia Octavia that Syndrome or any other Super persona I could ever invent will never see the light of day." Buddy swore before he shook her hand which got Violet to smile fondly at him which he soon mirrored.

"Good, also word of advice, never, ever imply that Mr. Sebastian has super powers again. The last few who have- are now six feet under. Also don't ever make any comments about my relationship with Mr. Sebastian either, don't hint or poke or question or anything to either him or myself or anyone else, because again, he's very touchy about it. I'm surprised he didn't seriously retaliate against you for it, at least yet anyway. You got lucky, don't press your luck again. Got it?" She urged him.

"Understood." Buddy nodded in agreement. "So, how are the new meds working out?" Buddy asked hopefully.

"How did you know I was given new meds?" Violet frowned as she folded her arms in front of herself.

"Uh...you...you said you saw the conversation, you didn't see Mr. Sebastian escorted me to the medical lab?" Buddy questioned.

"I...I did not. Are you telling me that you're working on my own medical issues? That my new medication...came from you?" Violet asked as she tried to resist the panic starting to whirl in her chest but despite the initial spike in anxiousness, it never grew from there. If anything- she was able to keep it stable instead of being overpowered by it.

"He didn't tell you?" Buddy asked with a wince and a grimace.

"No, not yet." Violet took a deep breath and with a calming breath and refocus, she was able to fully regain her composure and push down her anxiety which soon dissipated as she was once again, able to look at the bigger picture.

"Ok, so this is your new medical project and why you needed to be in the medical lab over the weekend and from now on, of course, of course , why didn't I put it together." She muttered as she took a step back and took a moment to come to terms with it before she took another step forward and faced him and fixed him with a questioning look.

"Can you cure me?" Violet asked.

"In theory, yes. But curing you while keeping all of your powers intact yet freeing you of the crippling pain is the biggest challenge. However it's a challenge I'm very familiar with. Thankfully progress has been made since I last tried to tackle it and there are new compounds being found and tested all the time. All I need is time." Buddy professed.

"How much time?"

"Could be weeks, could be months, maybe a year or two at the latest. But in order for it to be effective I and the other doctors need you to be completely honest with us about what's happening and what's hurting and what side effects you're feeling and experiencing and what's been working and what hasn't. We all want to help. And in order for us to help best, we have to know more than what you've given us previously." Buddy pleaded because Dr. Gjersoe had told him that Violet was a difficult patient because she was so dodgy and mistrusting and super vague in her answers.

"Look I completely understand your need for secrecy, I built an empire on it ok? And I realize that as a Super, secrecy keeps you alive and keeps you safe right?" Buddy questioned and Violet had to nod in agreement with that reasoning.

"But like you've said, if you can just trust us enough to help, give us just enough rope to hang ourselves on so we can help, that's all we want. We don't need to know your life story or anything. We just need to know things like side effects and effectiveness. And we both know you're closest to Mr. Sebastian and he's been our go between but he doesn't always know what and how to ask to get the answers we need." Buddy added.

"OK, ok, fine. I give. Just enough to hang you all on." Violet caved before she re-swipped the tablet to reverse the 'lockdown' mode before they left the room and went back to the medical suite as Violet let them question and poke and prod her all they needed to and answered their questions to the degree she felt comfortable with and what they needed and when they were done she left and returned to Phillip's office.

"Hey, you were gone a while, everything ok?" Phillip noted and the smile that Violet gave him told him that she was far from pleased. It was her 'I'm going to kick your ass' smile and it gave him dread.

"Yeah, I was in the medical wing letting Dr. Gjersoe and his team know how the new meds were working out." She answered as she came and handed him her tablet.

"By the way, I had a very enlightening discussion with Mr. Pine about what happened over the weekend and why exactly he's in the medical wing." Violet leveled as she folded her arms under her chest and popped her hip and fixed him with a look that made him feel two inches tall as Phillip pursed his lips and had a guilty expression.

"So, what you're going to do- is give me the same clearance you have, so that I can keep an eye on this situation myself because you should have asked me about bringing Mr. Pine into this and the only reason I'm not handing you your ass over this is because I know that you're just as desperate for a solution as I am. And then you are never going to circumvent me again. Because if you do- contracts be damned, I will be gone faster than you can blink and I will disappear and you will have to spend every penny you have ten times over in an effort to find me again and you still won't be able to. This situation - will never repeat or so help me God, I will go full supervillain on your ass and there will be nowhere- where you can hide from me. I hunt and kill for a living remember? And I'm the best there is. You're lucky that I am able to see the bigger picture this time and see your intentions, although good- the way you handled this was wrong. Otherwise, I would already be gone. Also, you will not be retaliating against anyone for this because this was all on you and you can't hold this against Mr. Pine because I didn't give him a choice other than to tell me the truth. Third. I have decided to give Mr. Pine just enough rope to hang himself on along with everyone in the medical wing but I need you to know and understand, that I am holding you personally responsible for what happens next with my healthcare. Are we clear?" She proposed.

"Yes." Phillip confirmed as he went ahead and did as she demanded of him with her tablet, grateful this wasn't nearly as bad as he figured it would be.

"Good, now, let's move forward. There's the expo in Vegas in a few weeks, I think we should go and bring Mr. Pine with us- I can get him a good handler and we can announce to the world that IRize and SEB Industries are collaborating, get some good press for both of you. And if in the next few weeks, Mr. Pine proves himself trustworthy. We put a deterrent bracelet and a pin on him to keep him from running and we'll get him a handler. And if he does well there, then we can take him to Hong Kong and Tokyo for those expos in a few months. It would keep him from getting too stir crazy." She suggested.

"I think that might work." Phillip agreed.

"Good." Violet smiled victoriously before she took her tablet back and went to the tech department to figure out what could be used for her ventures and made a few orders before she went back to her office to find an appropriate handler. They had to be trustworthy, competent, intelligent, strong and versatile as she narrowed down her search to a few options.

"Good evening Mr. Pine." Violet greeted when she came into his lab for her evening check in.

"Good evening Ms. Parr." Buddy mirrored as he came over and put the cookies he had made for them on the island she liked to do their check ins at. He noticed she tended to stay longer and actually chit chat when he had snacks for her. Today was a cookie day he felt as she happily took a cookie as a peace offering.

"So, do you have anything outstanding that you wish to report?" Violet began before she bit into the cookie and practically melted in her spot. She secretly thought it was awesome that Buddy not only could cook decently well, but could also bake and was surprisingly very self sufficient. He did all his own laundry and dishes and cooking and kept his space pretty clean which always impressed her because Phillip was a master in the boardroom- but completely useless in a domestic setting and she doubted he even knew where his dry-cleaners was on a map, let alone what clothes needed to be washed vs. dry cleaned.

"Other than the medical lab is making you a three to six month supply of your current medication that should be ready in a few days, no." He answered.

"Awesome." Violet smiled happily as she notated that.

"So, I have a proposition for you." She began as she got a stool and sat down on it as Buddy took her cue and got on his own stool on the other side of the island facing her as he got a cookie himself.

"Ms. Parr, I'm flattered but what would Mr. Sebastian think if he knew a young pretty thing like you was propositioning an old man like me?" Buddy teased as he pressed a hand to his chest as he pretended to be scandalized which got Violet to laugh which in turn got him to chuckle. Pleased he could make her laugh.

"I walked right into that." Violet realized as she just shook her head.

"Anyway- so, on account that you appear to be very settled in, to the point you are already completely unpacked and you've sorted your tools and rearranged your living space- twice. I suspect that you are already showing signs of becoming a little stir crazy." Violet ventured.

"Dang it, I was hoping it wasn't that noticeable." Buddy murmured as he snapped his fingers sarcastically. God she was especially gorgeous today, he was practically swooning. He could smell the products she used in her hair and perfume she sprayed that morning as it lingered on her person. It was like someone brought a bouquet of flowers into an operating room because the lab he liked to keep clean, sanitized and sterilized. And while she was a Super, she brought a human element to this environment that he appreciated.

"Well, I may have a solution for you. So as you know, there is a tech expo in Vegas in a few weeks that IRize was supposed to have been invited to go to. I suggested to Mr. Sebastian for you to come with us and we can make an announcement of the collaboration." She began.

"What's the catch? Cause there's always a catch with something like this." Buddy asked with a puzzled frown.

"The catch is you will be wearing something like this the whole time." She said as she pulled the watch out of her pocket and put it on the counter and slid it to him before he picked it up and looked it over and resisted the urge to take it apart.

"Think of it like a shock collar for a dog to stay in an invisible fence. You will technologically tethered to your handler. But it would let you out of here and give you a tiny bit more freedom and hopefully you won't feel too stir crazy. And if that goes well and you don't hang yourself on that length of rope, then you can get another length of rope when could go to Hong Kong in a few months." She revealed to him.

"Would you be my handler?" Buddy asked hopefully.

"No, I'm already Mr. Sebastian's handler, I don't pull double duty, neither you or him could ever pay me enough." Violet smiled smugly.

"Oh come on, I would behave, I promise." Buddy vowed.

"Yeah I'm sure you would. But I can't say the same for Mr. Sebastian. My hands are already full if not threatening to overflow with just him. So I will be getting a handler for you." Violet maintained.

"So, all I need from you- is your word not to run or try to escape or make any S.O.S signals or anything like that, also a script will be provided to you for all press you would have and if you would need any new attire for this trip, that can also be arranged." She offered.

"And a haircut please." Buddy proposed as he ran his fingers through is hair, noting how it could use a trim.

"That can be arranged as well." Violet nodded as she made notes about it.

"The suit shop and tailor I like to use the most is Black Orchid and they will need at least two weeks to create your suits, would you like your haircut then or would you prefer to have it right before you leave?" Violet inquired.

"It can get cut then, might as well do it all at once while we're out." Buddy decided.

"Ok. Now for this particular outing, when we get your suits measured and ordered, I will be your handler and you will have your own security detail who will be armed with live rounds and you will be wearing a deterrent as well that will be tethered to me. Meaning you leave my side any other reason other than to relieve yourself, by a distance of more than fifty feet and at the least- you'll lose a limb, at the most- it will kill you. Do you understand?" Violet warned him evenly.

"Yes Ma'am." Buddy nodded in agreement.

"Great, now, what day this week would you prefer to go?" Violet asked between bites of her cookie.

"Any day that works for you." Buddy answered.

"Let's go Wednesday, give those tailors an extra few days on those suits." Violet proposed.

"Sounds great." Buddy grinned.

Buddy was absolutely giddy for the opportunity to go on an outing, let alone with Violet, he didn't care if a hundred henchmen joined them. He had to stay within fifty feet of her. Hell he would happily stay within five. The closer the better.

Wednesday morning Violet along with only two henchmen arrived at 9:15 a.m.

"Good morning Mr. Pine, are you ready to go?" She asked as she came in with two henchmen trailing her.

"Yes." Buddy answered as he came out of the 'apartment' section of his lab. Dressed and ready to go.

"Awesome. Before we go, there are a few things we need to go over. First- this is Mr. Leland and Mr. Nelson they will be our security detail, they will protect us while we're out but they will not hesitate to rock your shit if you step out of line." Violet informed him.

"Ok." Buddy nodded, amused at her choice of words.

"Also this is one of the tethers." She said as she presented him with the watch before Buddy took the one he was already wearing off and presented his wrist to her so she could put it on before she did, locking it with her thumb print on the face of the watch as it sized itself to his wrist and locked itself into his biometrics.

"And this is the other." Violet said as she took a pin from the same box in as the watch since it was with the watch and matched it style and fastened it to his shirt.

"The pin is your own passkey in the building." Violet informed him.

"Snazzy." Buddy appraised as he looked at it appreciatively which got Violet to snort a laugh and him to grin a little wider.

"OK, the next order of business is the safety protocol. If at any point our safety is compromised or something is going down or sideways, we're being ambushed or there's an assassination attempt or anything like that or even in the occurrence of someone imposter-ing myself or you or anyone else- there's a safety word I will use to positively identify you and everyone else. So I need you to think of a word that you can say quickly and easily to make sure that you're you." Violet urged him.

"Ok, what's the safe word?" Buddy asked.

"Twatwaffle." Violet informed him which got Buddy to bust out laughing.

"What? Of all the words in all the languages, our lives could be in danger and you're going to yell 'twatwaffle'?" Buddy asked incredulously. "You're serious? You're being serious right now?" Buddy prodded.

"Yeah, it has saved our collective asses repeatedly because everyone tries to think of really "cool" names to use that no one remembers in the heat of the moment. But in a life or death situation, you need the ludicrous and the unexpected but memorable to save your bacon. So when and if I ever have to use the "Twatwaffle" protocol. What will be your response? Because again, Mr. Nelson and Mr. Leland will also need to know it to make sure you are you and not an imposter or that I'm not an imposter." Violet maintained.

"Jesus, ok. Uh, if you're going to yell 'twatwaffle' I guess I could reply with Shmoke, like 'would you like a shmoke and a pancake?." Buddy replied because his brain couldn't think of anything else.

"Shmoke it is." Violet nodded as she put that in with a grin.

"OK, now we can go." Violet said as she then put the tablet into her bag and turned and left and walked out of there with Buddy walking only a step behind her with Mr. Nelson and Mr. Leland a step behind him before they went down the elevator to the SUV where Mr. Leland and Mr. Nelson opened the car doors for Violet and Buddy to get into the backseat before Mr. Leland got in the drivers side and Mr. Nelson got in the passenger side and they went to Black Orchid which was the best suit shop and tailor's in the city while Violet had an extra specialist to come in for the suit fittings.

"Miss Parr, always a pleasure to have you here." The shop owner Mr. Sudwar greeted as he came and shook her hand and kissed her cheeks as she did the same with a sweet adoring smile.

"Mr. Sudwar, it's always a pleasure to be here, especially when it's with you." Violet replied charmingly.

"Is Mr. Sebastian needing anything?" He asked.

"Not today, this is his new dear friend and close colleague though, Mr. Pine, and it is him that we are fitting out today under Mr. Sebastian's suggestion and highest recommendation." Violet introduced.

"Any friend and colleague of Mr. Sebastian's is one of mine. What can I do for you Mr. Pine?" He asked hopefully.

"The works." Violet answered for Buddy.

"Oh, well then right this way." Mr. Sudwar ushered Buddy before another man came to stand next to Violet.

"Mademoiselle." He greeted.

"Benny, thank you so much for coming on such short notice. How are you?" Violet greeted as she gave him a hug.

"I'm doing well. Always a pleasure to hear from you." He answered.

"Oh good, so I have a favor to ask- in three and a half weeks, Mr. Pine will be accompanying Mr. Sebastian and myself to an expo in Vegas and possibly Tokyo and Hong Kong a few months after that. So I need to have the same precautions and safety features on Mr. Pine's suits that Mr. Sebastian does. Because while Mr. Sebastian is my asset, Mr. Pine is Mr. Sebastian's so therefore he is mine as well. And I need to make sure that while we're vulnerable in the public, Mr. Pine won't be that exposed." Violet specified with a meaningful look.

"I can make that happen, but for the time frame, I'll need a 15% increase in my usual fee." Benny proposed.

"Make it twenty. It's all on Mr. Sebastian's dime anyway." Violet insisted with a flip of her hand.

"You got it." Benny nodded as he brought up a card reader and Violet got Phillip's business credit card out and swiped it before he got her a receipt and handed it to her.

"Thank you Benny, we should get lunch soon, bring the family, I haven't seen Annie and Maddox in forever." She suggested.

"Name the time and place." Benny urged.

"Anabel's', say noon tomorrow?" Violet suggested.

"It's a date, we'll be there." Benny grinned before he left and got his own materials and went back into the work shop part of the shop to work with the tailors just as Buddy was put into his first suit as Mr. Sudwar made his measurements and suggestions for the look of suit that would look best on Buddy, make him appear taller than he was because Buddy was on the shorter, stockier side as Violet came into the room where Buddy was up on the podium to appraise him herself, tilting her head to the side and noting how fair he was along with the shade of orangish red his hair was and made the mental notes of what suit colors would compliment him best.

"Miss Parr? What are your thoughts?" Mr. Sudwar asked as he also took notes of what she seemed to be drawn to on the fabric swatches before she brought them over to them and held them up to Buddy and Buddy was struck by how thoughtful Violet was being as she picked the perfect colors to compliment him and how she was already up to date with all the trends as she then made sure he would have all the shirts and ties he would ever need in a lifetime as she went through the place with a fine toothed comb and found all kinds of little gems to make Buddy shine like a star and Buddy was supremely flattered as he simply let her do as she pleased and always agreed with her suggestions. Because her taste was exquisite and flawless and he found it was sentimental that she went through so much trouble to make sure he looked good. If he had the opportunity, he would have reached out to Edna to create Violet a wardrobe of gowns and whatever else she wanted, if only it would match all of this.

And by the time they were done, they went out to lunch, Buddy eternally grateful it was actual fine dining and not take out. After lunch, she took him to Vers, a male spa that Mr. Sebastian and his staff and most of the male members of his company also frequented. Where Buddy also got not just a haircut but manicure and pedicure and even a massage and a facial which he hadn't gotten in what felt like forever and when they were done with that, they all went out to dinner. At a proper high end steak house and Buddy happily gorged himself on wagyu beef and when he was good and satisfied did they return to SEB industries as Mr. Nelson and Mr. Leland helped take Buddy's new things to his floor.

"I got it from here guys, thank you so much for your services today." Violet dismissed them as they nodded and left.

"You did good today Mr. Pine," Violet praised as she took the pin off his jacket and put it away before she took the watch off and put that into its case as well.

"I never realized you had such exquisite taste." Buddy praised as Violet helped bring his things into the apartment side of the floor which was in all reality like a high rise apartment.

"I've learned from the best. And having Mr. Sebastian as an asset, I've learned a thing or two about the way high society people look, act, dress and behave. I'd be a fool not to pick up on at least some of it." Violet professed as she put his clothing bags on his perfectly made bed for him to put away.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Buddy felt compelled to ask as he put his other things next to it on the bed as well, appreciating the intimate setting. And if circumstances were different, he wished there wasn't at least six cameras on them and they could really be alone. But the way Violet paused and looked away and bit and chewed her bottom lip and fidgeted with her perfectly manicured nails, was adorable, if not incredibly endearing and Buddy just got a sense that he was finally seeing just a little glimpse of the real her.

"Because a cage is a cage- no matter how gilded. If you can find contentment and a measure of happiness in it, the less likely you'll be to try to break out of it." Violet said simply with a sad smile as Buddy suddenly was struck by the truth of the situation. Violet was obviously just as much of a prisoner that he was. That's why she was being nice. She had been living like this for a year. He was barely in a month. She was coming from experience. This is how she was surviving it as he also wondered if that's what Tali had been feeling. And why she was always keen on missions. She wanted to break free just as much Violet did.

"How gilded is your cage?" Buddy asked as he shoved his hands in his pockets to keep himself from reaching out to her.

"A bit more so than yours, and a little bigger. But a cage nonetheless. I don't know how the next handler to Mr. Sebastian will treat you. This is my last assignment before permanent retirement. And I want it to be my best work. And I want it done right. And being kind, and showing sympathy and empathy are the best ways I've found to do it. I know three years seems like a long time. And I'll only be here for two of those three. And I have a feeling that last one will be the hardest. I can only hope my replacement will treat you with respect and dignity. You deserve it. Goodnight Mr. Pine." She bid him before she stepped around him, simply reaching out her hand to gently move him out of her way so she could get out of there because if she stayed any longer and talked any more about this, she would get in trouble in more ways than one.

"Violet?" Buddy called after her as she turned to look at him questioningly.

"You deserve better too. A gilded cage is no place for you either." Buddy professed as he had turned with her and was facing her once again.

"I know, we will just have to make the most of it won't we Mr. Pine? In our side by side cages." Violet urged as she picked her head up high with a fond and understanding smile.

"We will." Buddy nodded in agreement.

"Good night Ms. Parr, thank you, for everything today." Buddy graciously thanked her.

"You're welcome." Violet nodded before she saw herself out and dropped off what she needed off at the tech department and used the long walks from Buddy's apartment to the tech department to rein in her own emotions and reinforce her composure.

"So how was today?" Phillip asked as he came by her office to see her off.

"It was really good, it worked beautifully. He won't want to break free any time soon. He'll be happy and content for a while. Although I think if we make outings a regular thing for him, that'll be the best thing for the situation." Violet mused.

"I noticed your sympathetic "gilded cage" worked like a charm. He was practically eating out your hand." Phillip noted proudly and Violet could only huff a laugh. Of course he would think that was a manipulation. Everything was a manipulation to him. Even though Violet had been genuine in that sentiment.

"It did." Violet had to admit.

"Do you think there's a danger of you two getting too close?" Phillip questioned as he began to second guess his decision to have his 'pet' be their liaison.

"No. All Mr. Pine sees when he looks at me is Mirage 2.0. Mirage took care of everything for him, from picking out his attire, to managing his life practically, I saw it when I was suit shopping with him and picking shirts and ties out for him. He agreed with every decision I made and never argued or had a difference once, I'm surprised he didn't slip and call me by her name. And how he is with me is how he was with her before she betrayed him. Which is good, it's right where you and I want and need him to be." Violet assured Phillip. Because if she could make him believe that. The more freedoms he would perhaps grant Buddy.

"You're amazing, you know that?" Phillip praised.

"Thank you, see you tomorrow Phillip. Good night." She cooed with a sweet kiss before she left her office and went to her apartment. She got ready for bed and she thought of all the ways she could help Buddy stand his confinement better because as strange as it was. She had so much in common with him. They were practically in side by side cages at this point. She hated all the 31 cameras and listening devices in her apartment that she knew Phillip put there to keep an eye on her behind her back and she had simply learned to never let the 'act' down. She hated all the bugs and chips in all of her electronics and her vehicles. She hated how even when she went on missions. There was always SEB tech with her and even then it was like Phillip was always there and she couldn't escape him. It was why every other Super before her had quit. It was why finding a replacement anytime soon was nigh impossible. It made hiding her escape routes and hiding her back up plans from him as hard as it was but thankfully, not impossible. And while charming Phillip had brought her some freedoms and trust. It wasn't complete. And until Phillip eased up and stopped all of this surveillance on her, that she could never, ever give herself to him. And why she could never love him. Love without trust wasn't love. Love without faith, fidelity or commitment or compromise wasn't love either and while she had some power in the relationship, Phillip had the bigger share and the final word. But this was the only way she had found she could survive. And part of her reached out to Buddy. Because if she could make sure he would make it and survive this, then she could too. She wasn't alone, and that gave her hope.

Meanwhile Buddy was laying in bed and staring up at his ceiling, ignoring the tears streaking the sides of his head. How did he not see that Violet was just as much of a prisoner that he was? He remembered the lengths he kept his own employees under surveillance and his gut was screaming at him that that was nothing compared to the lengths Phillip probably went to. If he had to bet- he would bet her place was at least bugged. Phillip probably kept her watched so closely. To the point she probably felt like she couldn't breathe without Phillip knowing about it. The poor thing was just used to it by now. What could he do to help her though? This was the true challenge. How to get them both out of this alive.

Even if after her time here was up, if  she was able to disappear and he never saw her again- but she could have a life of freedom and never be watched ever again. That would be enough for him. He just needed to think outside the box.

[ramblinganthropologist]

N7 Challenge Day 30 - End

Summary: Well... Alistair’s dying again. At least this time, he took the Reapers out with him.

(Mentions of blood, some limb loss without description) 

---

Yep... he was dying alright. This was definitely the worse of his two deaths.

Alistair could barely groan as he lay there among the rubble, coughing up what was probably blood. It was hard to see then... one eye was definitely fucked up, possibly gone. Ironically it was the one he had lost the first time. Talk about things coming full circle.

At least the Child was gone.

Yes, there in the ruined Citadel chamber, he was finally alone. The conductor lay smoking in the distance when he had finally managed to shoot something from a distance. Things had gotten crazy after that... now he was laying in a pile of rocks, actively bleeding out.

And he had thought the crushing pressure of space was bad.

Somewhere nearby lay the modified body of the Illusive Man. Had he the strength to get up, he would've gone over to give the corpse a good kick. Then again... Anderson was close at hand too. He shouldn't see something like that.

Well... he would be joining him soon.

“Least it's over...”

Blood bubbled at his lips as he gazed up at the ceiling. It was starting to get hard to see – probably the blood loss. Either that or the massive ache at the base of his skull that could have only been a malfunctioning biotic amp about to blow. Part of him wanted to see what would kill him first. Either way, he was about to be the third body.

At least he would be the last body of the Reaper War.

Even though he couldn't see it, Alistair felt it. That one shot had ended it all. The Reapers had lost at last, after untold millennia of fucking up sentient species for the hell of it. They had lost to an idiot with limited depth perception, generalized anxiety, and an inability to control his blood sugar.

Take that, you synthetic fucks.

He coughed again – it was getting weaker now. His vision was starting to fade even more. Maybe he had a minute or two left before the end. Alistair wondered if he shouldn't have been more upset, but then again this wasn't his first time dying. He had been living on borrowed time... now it was his chance to return it.

His only regret was never getting to see Bo or Garrus again.

That hurt almost as much as his amp overloading. His last memories of either of them were on the chaos of the battle for Earth. Hell, for all he knew they were dead. The Reapers could have shot the Normandy down when they were evacuating and he just hadn't seen it.

If it had... well... he was in for some nasty words on the other side. At least he and Joker would be even at one death a piece.

“I wish I could've said more...”

It was getting harder to speak now. The overwhelming, unbearable pain in multiple parts of his body was starting to ebb away. No doubt about it, this was the end. All he could do was prepare for what was to come.

At least he closed his eyes. He had never liked coming upon bodies all splayed out, wide-eyed and staring at the living. It was kind of gross. Then again, Alistair doubted anyone was going to be able to find him before he was a skeleton.

Maybe that was for the best... bodies got kind of gross.

As his world went black and all feeling ceased, Alistair had one last thought. The sun was going to rise on Earth tomorrow. It was still there, even if he wasn't. They had managed to do what not even the Protheans could. It was over.

It was over... and so was he. So he let himself go, floating away to wherever he went the first time. At least this time, there were no Collectors.

---

The funny thing about dying was that it wasn't supposed to fucking hurt so badly.

'You aren't through yet.'

Shut the fuck up and let him die in peace... noisy ass ghost or god or whatever.

'Strange, you aren't normally this rude. Oh well... they're waiting for you.'

A haze of dull agony surrounded him like a blanket. Funny, the first time he had died it had been over rather quickly. One moment he was floating in the blackness of space as pressure crushed him like a tin can... and then he was waking up on a Cerberus base as it all went to hell.

…

Fuck you have GOT to be kidding him. Was he ever going to get to die in peace?

The first feeling he got back was the tips of his fingers. Toes came back too, not enough to wiggle but he felt the pain no matter what. On a scale of 1 to 10, it was get him some fucking pain medicine or finish killing him.

There was noise somewhere, he wasn't sure where. It sounded...

“Folks, it's the bottom of the 7th inning, the bases are loaded and the score is tied 5-5. Batting fifth for the Luna Bats is Luna colony's very own Jim O'Reilly.

Like a baseball game. And if he heard that score right, his Bats were tied with their best pitch hitter up!

“I can't believe he's fucking missing this.”

“So if he hits the ball and nobody catches it, that means they run around the squares and score?”

“Bases, Mandibles, I already explained it to you. Damn it, Al, you got me explaining baseball now.”

He knew those voices. They belonged to Bo and to Garrus. Unless they were all dead and watching baseball from the afterlife, then they were alive and well enough to complain. Given the fact his sister hated baseball... that was another point to him being alive.

That's a strike.”

“It's a ball, it was outside the box.” Another groan. “For fuck's sake.”

The count is now 3-2. And the pitch-

Alistair could feel his heart pump faster at the sound of a bat somewhere cracking when it made contact with the ball. He could picture it, flying far off into the center field stands and above the head of the outfielders.

And he was missing it...

“Fuck... it's a grand slam.”

Miracles did happen. Not only had they saved the universe from the Reapers, but his Bats had pulled a grand slam out of their ass.

By now, there was more feeling in his body. He couldn't move, not yet anyway. However, he was starting to get the feeling he could make his mouth move. It took effort, far more than he had, but he managed to get a sound out. He would have called it a groan, but that was being generous. A death murmur was more like it... only he wasn't dead.

Slowly, he managed to maneuver his eyes to opening. Then he shut them – too bright. Wherever he was glowed brighter than when he had shot to end it all. Now he was starting to get a headache – what a thing to add to his problems.

He still couldn't sit up... but he could probably try to talk.

“Are we winning?”

That sent crazy amounts of motion into play. Someone – he assumed Garrus from the sound of talons on tile – ran off to probably get a doctor. Something landed heavy at his side – that was probably Bo. She was close enough that he could feel her shaking.

She was pissed.

“I can't fucking...” despite that, she laughed. “Fucking Luna Bats, I should've known that would bring you back.”

Alistair's head was pounding, but he could still talk. “How long?”

It had to be some time – before the Bats had suspended their season due to the war, it had been at the very beginning. From the sound of things, they were going into a playoff run. At the very least... months. Possibly years, if they were finally good.

Nah, probably not years – O'Reilly probably only had two seasons left in him at this rate.

“Over two months, you asshole. You died twice.” Her voice was thick with emotion she was barely containing. “And in the end it's the fucking Luna Bats that bring you back. Not me, not Garrus, but the Bats!”

She was laughing still, despite how annoyed she sound. It was probably the best sound Alistair had ever heard. He would have probably laughed too, but it fucking hurt too much. Hopefully wherever his boyfriend was, he was getting a doctor with some heavy duty pain medicine.

“It took a miracle I guess...” he cracked one eye open. “What's their record?”

It was a miracle he didn't get socked in the arm, but Alistair quickly realized that was because he didn't have one. It had just been a brief glance, but there was definitely something missing on his right side. No wonder he couldn't wiggle his fingers on the right side: they were gone.

But... if their record was winning.

“I'd say your priorities were fucking awful, but you did kind of save the universe so I'll give you a pass.”

“Thanks.”

Couldn't move the toes on his left foot either... bad sign there. At least he still had all his fingers on his dominant hand. The universe had been kind for once.

Still... it was true. He was in a hospital, there was a doctor coming with hopeful amounts of pain medicine to help him. All of this  meant one simple thing: the Reapers were gone. Well, either that or they also liked the Luna Bats.

It was maybe the only thing they agreed on.

“So... we won then.”

Bo sounded calmer as she got up – probably for whatever medical staff was coming. “Yeah. We won. We won and we got you back. Forget hamsters, you're a fucking cat with how many lives you got to burn there.”

Well, he was good at stopping at life 4 or 5. Dying was unpleasant and he had done it way more than anyone had right to do and still come back. This was the last time, he promised to whatever universal figure was listening.

Still, as the medical staff freaked out around him upon his waking up, Alistair found he was pretty relaxed. Whatever happened, nothing could have been worse than facing down the Reapers and making the choice left to him. He could get past anything after that.

But... yeah... the pain meds would definitely help. His brain was throbbing. At least he was pretty sure his amp hadn’t exploded, because then yeah he would have definitely been dead...

Honestly, an injury update would have been lovely, if just to know how many parts he was missing and what he had broken in his final hit on the Reapers. At any rate, he was going to need to know how bad off he was once he put his papers in. After all, if he was going to live... might as well do it as a free man.

It wasn’t quite the end he had expected, but it was his. At least he had most of his limbs? Or at the very least half... he would have to ask about that later, once it was easier to see in a bright room.

Again, pain meds, great idea...

[bqstqnbruin]

Helplessness and Good Food

I still can’t spell that man’s name wow. I also got my cap and gown and hood today from SJU and it’s just hanging on my closet door mocking me about the fact that I’ll never get to wear it, but at least it was free right?

But this was requested and here we are me still having more requests that I LOVE! Just ignore the fact that the title sucks ah

_______________________________

“Babe, I know you’re in pain, but I have practice in like ten minutes. I’ll be by as soon as I can with everything I’ve needed when I’ve had surgery.” You hear Matt running on the other end. He was definitely late to practice; you could picture him sprinting through the city on his way to Warrior just to get there in time so he won’t be scratched next game. “For now, Samantha is there to help you, and we’ve coordinated it so she doesn’t have to leave for work until I’m back. There’s even some overlap where you’ll have both of us waiting on you hand and, well, knee.” 

You laugh at his attempt at a joke, “I’ll see you later. Have a good practice. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” you hear him say on the other end, practically hanging up the phone before he can say it out of panic of being late. You try to shift yourself to a more comfortable position, which was hard given the complete immobility of your left leg. You had messed up your knee because of dance when you were younger, putting off the impending eventual surgery that you would need to get it fixed. Then you were out for a run, the first part of your normal workout, when you weren’t paying attention to where you were going, colliding with someone and busting your knee, much worse than it had been before. Matt and Samantha insisted you go see your doctor, only for him to tell you that you need reconstructive surgery because you tore pretty much all of the ligaments in your knee. 

Trying to adjust yourself took at least twenty minutes before finding a position that didn’t make you writhe with pain. It was your first week at home and you still weren’t used to navigating your apartment without use of your leg. 

“Hey, what do you need?” Samantha says, coming into the living room with more pillows, as if the four that were under your leg already weren’t enough as it was. 

“Use of my leg?” She tries as hard as she could to adjust the pillows without sending pain through your leg. It didn’t work, but you know she was trying. 

“Did you take the meds the doctor told you to take?”

“Yeah, this morning, but he also said try not to take them often, so I don’t want to take more until I go to sleep tonight if I need to.” You struggle to reach for the TV remote, hoping that you can put on a movie or something on Netflix to take your mind off your leg. It was just out of reach on the table in front of you; moving anymore to get it and you would be in pain for the next twenty minutes while you tried again to readjust yourself. “I’m so helpless!” you shriek as you give up.

“Well, yes, but at least now you have an excuse.” Samantha gets up and hands you the remote. 

“Very funny considering I noticed that since I haven’t been able to vacuum, the floors are much messier now.” 

“Touche.” She plops down on the chair, probably trying to think of the last time she even used the vacuum. “What time is Matt getting here?”

“Uh, his practice ends in about four hours? So in four and a half assuming he showers?” you tell her, trying to find a good movie to put on, “What should we watch?”

“How about that Ted Bundy movie. The one with Lily Collins and Zac Efron?”

You find Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil, and Vile. It was one of your favorite movies; you had seen footage of Bundy before and the way Efron mirrored Bundy’s mannerisms was mindblowing to you.

By the end of the movie, you were ready to pass out, even though it was morning. “I haven’t actually slept well since before the surgery because of pain, so if I can fall asleep like this, I’m going to,” you told Samantha about halfway through the movie, feeling your eyes close then. You must have actually fallen asleep because you wake up with Samantha gone and Matt sitting on the floor, his head right by where your shoulder was on the couch. You mess up his hair doing your best to sit up so he can at least come sit up on the couch. “Hey, babe.” 

“Hey, there, sleepy,” he says, pushing himself up on the couch, you lay your head in his lap, “How are you feeling?”

“Hurt. Helpless,” you pout.

“I know, Y/N, but you’ll feel better soon.” He runs his hand through your hair, letting your eyes close as he does it. “In the meantime, as I said, Samantha and I are here to literally 24/7. One of us will bring you something to make you feel better every day until you are as good as new.” 

“Really?” you ask, your eyes lighting up, “Materialism at it’s finest. What did you bring me?”

“Well, today, some of the guys and I chipped in and got some stuff that we like to have after surgeries. So Torey got you a copy of Holes, which he said is his favorite book, Marchy got you a copy of Tales from the Locker Room from the 2011 season, I’m thinking because he’s on the cover,” he says, laughing, handing the two books to you, “Charlie got Chef Keith to make you the Dark Chocolate Sweet Potato Almond Butter Brownies that he loves and he’s like 90 percent sure you would love, too. Then Jake got you Oreos, Zee got you some Caramel Apple Spice and Egyptian Licorice Teas, which, I’m not sure why.” He keeps pulling out item after item from the bag. He apparently told the entire team you were having this surgery and literally every single one of his teammates must have gotten you something to keep you occupied during the time you were useless.

“How’d you even manage this?” you ask, sitting up so carefully so that you don’t irritate your knee. “The boys must love you.” You have to twist yourself around so that you can give him a kiss on the cheek, causing both of you to burst out laughing at how awkward it was, “I hate having half of me stuck in one place!” you whine.

“I know, I know. But trust me, the boys love you more than they love me. Jake would rather have you as a teammate instead of me.”

“So what you’re saying is, if we break up, the guys are keeping me and getting rid of you?” You lay your head back in his lap, getting comfortable again. 

“Let’s not talk about us breaking up, and just go back to watching some TV. Try the cookies that Stephanie made, Patrice says she’s a great baker.” 

“What kind are they?”

“I don’t know, he told me the French name and I don’t know.” He starts to laugh taking a bite of the cookie himself, “but fuck they’re good!”

“You,” you start laughing so hard you end up lifting your head from his lap slightly, “are getting crumbs all over me, you pig!” You brush the crumbs off of yourself, praying that Samantha actually vacuums so you don’t have to.

You spend the rest of the day just relaxing. Anything you needed, Matt got up so carefully and practically sprinted to get it to you; more water, he got it, your phone charger, he got it; something from your bedroom, he got it. 

“What time is Samantha getting home?” he asks after you watched Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was getting close to dinner time, and it was a little weird that she wasn’t there.

“Uh, I’m not sure. Let me check my phone, maybe she said something?” you reach for your phone, still needed Matt to give it to you like Samantha had earlier, “Yep, she said she’s going to be home late. Probably after 7. Shoot, she was making dinner.” 

“I’ll do it! What was she going to make?” he jumps up, sending you sitting straight up and pain rushing through you. You try to hide the distress from your face, not wanting to make him feel bad in any way for wanting to help. 

“Babe, you’ve never cooked for me before. Help me move my leg from the couch to the table so I can sit up properly?” 

He helps move the pillows to create a mountain under your leg. It felt so much better than having to stay stuck laying down on the couch like you had been the entire day, “Have I really never cooked for you?”

“No, we always order out.” 

“Well, there’s a first time for everything,” he says, running into the kitchen to try to figure out what to make. “Why do you have no food in here?”

“Maybe Samantha was supposed to pick up stuff for dinner on her way back from work?”

“Nope, I found some stuff!” he calls as you here clanging in the kitchen, hopefully, the noise of him trying to get pots or pans out of your cabinets.

“Babe, don’t break anything!” you yell to him. You don’t need him cleaning up knowing that he’s horrible at that, and knowing Samantha won’t vacuum for who knows how long. He doesn’t answer, and all you can do is stress watch episodes of The Office that you’ve already seen at least ten times already. 

Samantha eventually comes home before Matt is finished cooking. “Oh, my god. What happened here?”

You look around at the mess you didn’t realize you and Matt had made. “The boys made me a care package and I guess Matt got a little crazy with throwing things on the ground?” 

“What’s that smell?”

“He’s making dinner.”

“Oh no.”

“I know.” 

“He’s never done that before!” 

“I know!” The two of you squeal like giddy school girls, laughing after about how ridiculous you sounded. You and Matt were serious, but he had never cooked for you before. 

“If it tastes good, keep him.”

“Well, I would hope she would keep me even if it weren’t good considering this mess is my fault. You need me around long enough to clean up.” Matt is balancing a bowl of food on his arm, another plate in each hand. 

“What is this?” Samantha looks at the bowl that Matt set in front of her, obvious disgust on her face.

“Chili.”

“We had beef here?” you ask, turning to Samantha.

“I didn’t buy it and you haven’t been shopping in months.”

“Should we be scared?” you turn to Matt, a look of fake fear on your face that only makes him laugh.

“Will you try it first?” Matt begs.

You and Samantha look at each other, the fake fear turning into real fear. Where did the beef even come from? You hold up a spoonful of the chili, “Count of three?”

“Oh, come on!” Matt says.

“One, two, three.” Samantha counts down, both of you shoving the food in your mouths at the same time, immediately spitting it out.

“I love you,” you say, shoving the bowl at Matt, Samantha getting up to run to the kitchen and get rid of her bowl, “but that is God awful.” 

“I’m ordering pizza!” Samantha yells. You can hear her opening the trash can and dumping the rest of the chili. “Whoever goes to get the pizza is also bringing the trash out, Matt.”

“Is it that bad?” he asks, looking upset as he takes a mouthful of his dinner. “Ok, yeah,” he spits it right back into the bowl, “That is horrible. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s ok, babe,” you take his face in your hand, kissing his cheek, “You tried. You failed, but you tried.” 

“I love you. I wish I was better for you, especially now.”

“You’re perfect.” 

“Perfect or not, he’s taking this out, and getting the edible food.” Samantha comes back with the trash bag, dumping Matt’s bowl in too before tying the bag and handing it to him. “Go.” 

“I’m going, I’m going!” Matt yells as Samantha practically throws him out the door. 

“You can still keep him.” Samantha jokes. 

“I will,” you say as he comes back, plopping down on the couch with the pizza, giving you and Samantha each a slice. “Ugh, good food!” you draw out as Matt rolls his eyes at you, a smile spreading across his face. 

[inawickedlittletown]

I’m With You (14/?)

Summary:

Having a crush was nothing to be ashamed of…lying to the family and friends of said crush about being the guy’s boyfriend, that was a whole other problem. When Buck saves the life of Andrew Diaz and accidentally makes a nurse think that he’s Andrew’s boyfriend, Buck soon finds himself lying to Andrew’s firefighter friends/coworkers as well as Andrew’s family including Andrew’s very suspicious and attractive brother, Eddie.

Based on the 1995 movie While You Were Sleeping.

Words: 4,504

Notes: Finally back with a new chapter. Enjoy. 

Read on Ao3

Masterpost

Previous Chapter

–

“Shit. Shit. Shit,” Buck whispered as he got to Christopher, lifting the chair off of him and letting it fall to the side. 

Christopher was whimpering and crying and he hadn’t moved at all and the crutches were still attached to his arms and twisted and from the way that he’d fallen. Christopher’s left wrist was at best sprained but also possibly broken. His right didn’t look all that comfortable either with the crutch still attached. 

“Buck,” Christopher said and he was sobbing and Buck knew that he had to be calm so that Christopher didn’t start freaking out. 

Buck took off the crutch on his right arm carefully, throwing it aside carelessly and Christopher cried out. His face was covered in tears, too.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Buck muttered. 

Buck cursed that his phone was still broken and he had no way of contacting Eddie and no idea when he or the others would be back. Things were a bit crazy with the earthquake that no one had been left behind at the station. 

Christopher was still crying but at least everything had stopped shaking. Buck turned him slowly onto his back, careful of his hand and the crutch that was still attached to that arm and then he removed it. Christopher was sobbing and his good hand reached for Buck and Buck felt like his heart was breaking. 

“I’m...I’m going to touch your hand okay? Does anything else hurt? You probably got banged up pretty bad, huh?” 

Faintly, Buck heard Legolas appear, but he needed to focus on Christopher and there was no way that chair hadn’t bruised him where it hit him. 

Slowly, Buck touched his wrist and Christopher hissed and his face scrunched up. “Ow!” 

“I’m sorry. I’m...I have to check it okay, buddy, I just have to make sure it’s not broken. Can I do that?” 

Christopher nodded. He was still crying and in some pain. 

Buck felt Christopher’s arm, going from his elbow down to the wrist and the bone seemed to be in place as far as he could tell. It was when he got closer to his wrist that Christopher winced and pulled back which made him cry out because of the harsh movement, but then he pressed his who arm to his chest and that seemed to help.

“I don’t think it’s broken,” Buck said and it was with some relief. A sprain wasn’t ideal, but better than a broken bone and Buck could help with a sprain. 

“It hurts,” Christopher informed him. 

“I know. I know. And I’m going to try and make it better, okay?” 

“Okay.” He’d calmed down some, but he was still crying a little.  

Buck tried to smile with reassurance even though he felt horrible. He should have kept Christopher closer to him and he should have remembered that they’d been through an earthquake. After all, when he and Christopher had arrived there had been so many signs of it even at the firehouse. Buck had spent some time cleaning things up when they first arrived. 

“Can I pick you up?” Buck asked. 

Christopher nodded. He sniffled and he hissed in pain when his arm was jostled as Buck picked him up, but he still leaned into Buck and pressed his face into Buck’s neck. 

“Sorry, Sorry,” Buck mumbled and took him over to the sofa where he would be most comfortable. “I’m going to find some ice, okay? I’ll be right back. Legolas will stay with you.” 

Legolas seemed to know what Buck wanted because he went right to Christopher’s side, getting up on the sofa so that Christopher could wrap his good arm around him and Christopher buried his face in Legolas’ fur. 

“He’s okay,” Buck muttered to himself. “He’s okay.” 

Buck checked the fridge in the kitchen first, looking in the freezer to see if maybe they kept some ice packs in there. Otherwise he was sure they had to keep some somewhere even if it was with their supplies. Buck just hoped he could get to those things and they weren’t locked. To his relief there were a few ice packs in the freezer. He grabbed one and wrapped it up in paper towels before he got back to Christopher who was still just cuddling Legolas. At least that seemed to make him feel better. 

“When is my dad coming back?” 

“I don’t know, bud. But I found some ice which will hopefully make your wrist feel better,” Buck said. 

Christopher nodded. 

“You’re very brave, you know,” Buck said and he ran a hand through Christopher’s curls. 

Buck made sure that Christopher was seated comfortably before he gently took Christopher’s arm again. He put the ice pack wrapped in paper towels on Christopher’s wrist, wrapping it around the small fragile limb. Christopher winced at the cold and Buck brought over one of the throw pillows, folding it and putting it on Christopher’s lap so he could put it down and it was somewhat elevated. His only concern was the CP because as far as Buck could tell it affected his legs, but he had no idea if his arms were affected too and if it did, then that might hurt any movement Christopher made. 

“We’ll just keep that on for fifteen minutes and then we’ll take it off, okay?” 

Buck remembered that much from the time he’d sprained his ankle when he was a teenager. He wished he could give Christopher something to lessen the pain but he had no idea how pain meds and kids mixed and he doubted that he was going to find anything specifically for kids at the station and he wasn’t going to take Christopher out as he was to find some at the nearest pharmacy. If he was going to leave the station at all, it would be to the hospital and the emergency room so they could check Christopher out. Mostly, Buck wished he could get in contact with Eddie to see what he wanted Buck to do. He just hoped that they would come back from the call soon. 

It had never been so apparent to him how much he relied on his phone until he didn’t have it. He did wonder if the station had a phone, so after making sure that Christopher was still doing okay and he found the tv remote and turned it on so Christopher could have a distraction, he went to look around. He spotted it in the Captain’s office which was of course locked. 

“Are you doing okay?” he asked Christopher when he got back. 

“It still hurts,” Christopher said in a low tone. 

And Buck hadn’t even checked his side or the rest of him to see if he’d gotten even more bruised up. 

“I know, I know,” Buck said and he had no clue how to reassure him.

This was...he had no experience when it came to this. He had no idea if he should actually be rushing to get Christopher some proper medical help or if he should wait and not having his phone meant that he couldn’t just google it or get in touch with Christopher’s father or anyone that might tell him what to do. He had to remind himself it was a sprain. A sprain wasn’t that bad. 

“Buck, I’m okay,” Christopher said and god, this kid. He was unreal. 

When fifteen minutes had gone by, Buck took the ice pack off. The skin around Christopher’s wrist was red and there was some swelling there too. Christopher was just so small and fragile and Buck wanted to do right by him. Maybe he would give the 118 some time to get back. If they weren’t back within the next hour, Buck would take Christopher to the hospital. 

“Can I look?” 

Christopher nodded and Buck touched his arm as gentle as he could and Chris winced only a little. Above his wrist where the crutches had been on his forearm, was a small cut and the beginning of a bruise. His other arm looked the same. 

“Does anything else hurt?” Buck asked. 

Christopher nodded. “Not as bad though,” he said. 

“We’ll give your dad a bit of time. If he doesn’t get back here we can go get you checked out by a doctor? Sound good?”

“Okay, Buck.”

It was lucky that almost as soon as he’d put the ice pack back on Christopher’s wrist, that he heard the truck and he let out a sigh. Christopher looked like he was ready to run off the sofa, but Buck stopped him. 

“Stay here, kid. Don’t want you moving too much. Okay? Your dad will be right up.” 

Buck had no idea how he would react, but he was ready to take any reaction. He made to get up, but Christopher shook his head so Buck stayed and he watched as Christoher kept petting Legolas. At least he wasn’t crying anymore, but he still looked a bit of a mess and Buck couldn’t help but press a kiss to his head. 

“You’ll be just fine,” Buck said. 

“I know.” 

“Good.”

—-

The station was a mess again. They hadn’t even been able to pull the ladder truck in the whole way because of the mess, so they were all moving everything out of the way to make room. The aftershock hadn’t been as bad as the original earthquake but it still made things worse. 

Eddie would never forget the earthquake his first week as a firefighter. He and Andrew had gone up into a high rise hotel that was tilted and barely staying up. He’d been sure about the job before that day, but somehow it had cemented things for him. He’d been worried about Christopher the entire time they were on the job, but Eddie had been able to push the worry aside and Andrew told him later that it was that ability to do that that made him sure Eddie could do the job. 

“And,” Andrew had said with his cheeky grin, “now I know you can survive California, too.” 

Eddie was surprised when he didn’t spot Buck and Christopher watching them from the loft again. It gave him a bad feeling when they didn’t come, but Buck’s car was still outside. As soon as he was able, he ran up the stairs. 

“Christopher! Buck!” 

Legolas barked in response and Eddie just moved faster. 

He spotted them on the sofa and he could tell as he approached that something was wrong. 

“Buck, what—” 

Buck looked up and he looked nervous. “Christopher fell when the aftershock hit. He — I think he sprained his wrist.” 

It felt like being struck. His kid was hurt. Buck had allowed Christopher to get hurt. Eddie dropped to his knees in front of Christopher and his mind was just running a mile a minute because he needed to be calm for his son. 

“Daddy,” Christopher said.

“I’m here, kiddo. I’m here. Can I take a look at that?” He knelt down in front of Christopher and reached for his arm as soon as his son had nodded, removing the ice pack. 

It looked minor. Just a sprain like Buck had said. Christopher winced and whimpered when Eddie touched where the swelling seemed to be worse. 

Buck sat at Christopher’s side while Eddie checked Christopher out, but he spoke when Eddie had finished looking at Christopher’s wrist. 

“I — I didn’t know if I should give him something for the pain or if there’s even anything to give him but we’ve been icing it and he might be bruised on his side and shoulder too. A chair toppled into him and I wasn’t...I wasn’t fast enough to get him out of the way. I am so sorry, Eddie—” 

A part of him was angry. His kid was hurt and Buck was supposed to be watching him and...and it had been the aftershock and not Buck that hurt him. Buck was still apologizing and rambling on and Eddie could tell that he was already taking on all the guilt for what happened and any anger that he’d felt vanished. Eddie reached over and placed a hand on Buck’s knee to stop him. 

“It was an accident. An earthquake. He’s okay.” 

Buck nodded, stopping short on whatever he’d been saying and Eddie went back to Christopher. He hated seeing his son hurt, but he also knew that it could have been worse and that Buck couldn’t have known when the aftershock would happen or that Christopher was in the way of a falling chair. He couldn’t be angry at him for it. 

“Can you...can you let Hen know what happened?” Eddie asked. 

Buck nodded at once. He touched Christopher’s hair and then walked to the stairs. Eddie focused on his son. Eddie put the ice back around his wrist and then slowly lifted Christopher’s shirt so he could see his torso. There was already some bruising but it would be minor — the kind that kids always got when they were playing. 

“Does your shoulder hurt, kiddo?” 

“A little,” Christopher said. 

It was hard to get a look with the shirt in the way but Eddie figured taking it off would entail more movement on Chris’ wrist which he wanted to avoid. He was hoping that Hen would bring him some Children’s Tylenol or a variant that he could give to Christopher for the pain. 

There was a scrape on his shoulder from what he could make out and he’d have a nasty bruise there too from the looks of it but Christopher was okay. 

—-

Buck felt terrible. Eddie had assured him that everything was fine and that Christopher would be feeling fine in a few days, but that didn’t take away any of the guilt for not immediately rushing to Christopher and stopping it from happening at all. He’d been distracted by Legolas and logically Buck knew that he’d reacted as quickly as he could, but he hadn’t made it to Chris on time and that meant that Christopher had gotten hurt. He’d gotten hurt while Buck was supposed to be watching him. 

It could have been worse. Chris could have gotten hit by something worse than just a chair. His sprain could have been a broken bone. Buck knew that, and he knew that Eddie didn’t blame him, but he couldn’t help but feel the guilt anyway. 

There had been a few more hours left on their shift, but Bobby had let Eddie take Christopher home and Buck had gotten to give Christopher a quick hug before he watched Eddie go. 

“He’ll be fine, Buck,” Hen said. “Kids get hurt, but they get better.”

“I just—”

“I know,” Hen said. “But he’s okay. It’s a sprain. He’ll be fine and it’s not your fault.” 

It was one thing to hear it and another to fully believe it. 

It wasn’t until he was back at his apartment that he remembered he had Legolas with him, but he figured it was probably better to have him there than Andrew’s place which would need to be cleaned up some. Buck took Legolas on a walk before they headed up to his apartment. The next morning, he woke up to Legolas sitting on the bed next to him, leaning over him and just staring at him. 

“Oh,” Buck said with a gasp. “Good morning?” 

Legolas barked. 

“You want to go out?” 

Buck had had a few things to pick up and clean when they got to his apartment the night before but then he and Legolas had hung out in front of the tv for a while before Buck cooked up some chicken so he could share it with the dog. He’d taken him out for another short walk before he went up to sleep. Legolas had followed him up to his room afterwards and Buck had been glad when the dog just laid down on an area rug. So he was surprised to find him on his bed come morning. 

“Okay, boy,” Buck said, running his hands down Legolas’ back. “I guess you make for a good alarm clock.” 

It reminded Buck that he had to go get a new phone and get everything from his old one transferred over especially since one of the first things he wanted to do was check in and see how Christopher was doing. Buck still felt bad about what happened and he just hoped that Eddie still didn’t blame him for it. 

Legolas followed him around as he got ready to go and then he was a little over excited at the prospect of getting to go outside and Buck had to remember that Legolas was used to having a yard and a doggie door through which to access said yard at any moment. And as soon as they had made it outside, Legolas lifted his leg against the building’s wall. It impressed upon Buck yet again how well trained this dog was. 

After their walk, Buck felt bad bringing Legolas back up to his apartment, so he took him to his Jeep and drove over to Andrew’s house. Everything looked like Buck had left it the day before so Buck started picking up what he could in a short period of time. Mostly it was stuff that Legolas could get hurt on or that he could confuse for a toy. He left Legolas some new food out and after grabbing his forgotten broken phone, he headed out to get a new one. Legolas looked sad when Buck left him and Buck felt sad leaving him too. 

“I’ll be back later, don’t worry,” Buck promised. He was really getting a bit too attached to the dog. 

It took a while to get his phone set up and to transfer everything from the old one onto the new one, but Buck felt so much better when he had a working phone in his hand. Getting a new phone reminded Buck that he still had Andrew’s and that he should probably bring him his stuff. So, he headed first to his apartment to pick up Andrew’s things and then to the hospital.  He sent Eddie a text when he arrived, checking on Christopher, but Buck didn’t have to wait for a response because he found Eddie and Christopher in the hospital room when he walked in. 

“Hey,” Buck said. 

Andrew was asleep and it almost felt like before when he was still in a coma and they had all been waiting for him to wake up. Simpler times in a way. 

“Hi, Buck,” Christopher said. He looked like he was in better spirits. 

His wrist was wrapped in a bandage and he held it a little stiffly, but he looked much better than the last time Buck saw him. 

“Hey, kid. How’s the wrist?” 

“Better,” Christopher said. 

“I’m glad,” Buck said and then to Eddie, “I, uh, just texted you but I guess you should ignore that.” 

“God a new phone already?” 

Buck nodded. “Felt naked without it. I’m sure I missed a whole bunch of calls and texts while it was broken. I haven’t even really checked yet. And, I um, I have Andrew’s phone, actually. It’s probably dead now. And his wallet. One of the nurses gave me some of his things. I figured maybe they’ll help him remember.” 

Eddie took them when Buck handed them over, setting them on the table next to the bed. “I was actually wondering where they went the other day.” 

“Should have asked me,” Buck said. 

“Yeah.”

They lapsed into silence and for Buck it felt weird and awkward and he knew it was because of the events of the day before. Or maybe what had happened before that. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck said. “About...about yesterday. You trusted me with—” 

“Buck...Buck, no, Christopher is okay and you kept him safe. It wasn’t a normal day, yesterday. It could have happened with anyone. And he’s fine.”

“Okay,” Buck said. “But I—”

“Really,” Eddie said. 

“Okay,” Buck repeated. 

Andrew interrupted them, then, by choosing that moment to wake up and his eyes landed first on Buck and then on Eddie and Christopher and he smiled. It was still much too unfair how attractive he was. Really, it was unfair how attractive both of the brothers were. 

—-

It was weird once remembering started to happen. It was slow, but the pictures had helped at first but nothing came back in a lot of order. It was snippets and bits and pieces. The earthquake had made him remember a few things the day before. Stuff about work, mostly. The team with and without Eddie...how much he loved it. It brought other things with it too. 

He’d spoken to his mom on the phone on Pepa’s phone and it had reminded him of other calls and other times when he’d been dodging and annoyed at how often she wanted to talk to him. Slowly it was coming back. He remembered a lot about being a firefighter, too. 

“What happened?” Andrew asked, looking at Christopher and noting the wrapped up wrist and the way that the boy was holding it. 

“Sprained his wrist yesterday,” Eddie said. “But he’s okay.” 

Christopher nodded and he lifted his arm to show him and Andrew smiled at him. “Well, I’m sure you’ll be feeling better in no time.” 

“You too,” Christopher said with a big grin. 

“And we have something of yours,” Eddie said. “Your wallet and your phone.” 

Eddie grabbed the two things from the bedside table and handed them to him. They felt right in his hands. He opened the wallet not sure what he would find. There was a bit of a cash, credit cards, his license, and a few business cards, but nothing that brought back anything. His phone was familiar, but the battery was also dead. 

“Either of you have a charger?” Andrew asked. 

When they shook their heads he laughed. “Helpful. So, how was it yesterday? Any interesting calls? You handle yourself alright out there, Buck?” 

“I was with Christopher,” Buck said. 

“We had fun,” Christopher added. “I like your dog.” 

His dog. Andrew’s dog whose name was Legolas who Andrew couldn’t remember at all. What he did know was that he didn’t like dogs. The dog was a mystery, but sitting in his wallet was a business card for a dog grooming place. And from all the pictures that he’d been shown of Legolas, it was clear that someone had taken good care of that dog. Andrew just couldn’t remember him. 

“I don’t remember him,” Andrew said. 

“Well, I woke up to him staring at me today,” Buck said. 

“You...um, you slept at my house?” Andrew asked, feeling a little weird about that because even though he sort of knew Buck now, he was still a stranger. He hadn’t even thought about how often Buck must have been at his house with the dog and with his things. 

Buck shook his head. “No. No. I took Legolas home with me. He’s back at your house now. I, uh, cleaned up a little. Earthquake broke a few things.” 

“Oh.” 

Andrew didn’t know what to do about the whole Buck thing. The conversation he’d had with Chimney had given him some perspective, enough for him to want to get to know the guy. And Buck was...well, the best way to describe him was damaged. Granted, it was probably only someone that wasn’t okay that would end up in the situation that Buck was in. It was just that Andrew also didn’t like it. He didn’t like that someone had lied on his behalf and had made his family think that he was in a relationship and that he was into men. There was nothing wrong with it, but that wasn’t Andrew. And a part of him wanted to end it already and just tell everyone that Buck had been lying all along. But then...then he looked at him and it was so easy to read him and see how uncomfortable he was standing in the hospital room. He was waiting for that shoe to drop. And Chim had made a good point. Buck had saved his life and maybe Andrew needed to have that in mind. 

“So it won’t look that much messier than usual,” Eddie said. “You should be glad mom and dad didn’t want to stay at your house when they were here.” 

“Small mercies,” Andrew said. “But, I’m — I’m glad everyone’s okay. Do you think the hospital has a charger I can borrow?” 

“One of the nurses might,” Buck said. “I’ll go ask.” 

“Can I come with you?” Christopher asked. 

Buck looked to Eddie first who shrugged and they watched as Buck and Christopher left. With his wrist injured, Christopher was moving a little slower, but Buck was patient with him and helped only as much as was unavoidable and Andrew knew how much his nephew liked to do things on his own. 

“He’s good with him,” Andrew said. 

Eddie smiled. “Yeah,” he said. 

“And you let him watch your kid even though you barely know him. That’s not like you, Eddie.” 

“You know that for a fact,” Eddie said, brow furrowed. “And well, I know he’s your boyfriend and I’ve spent some time with him while you were in a coma. I trust him. He’s a good guy.” 

Andrew nodded. He wondered if Eddie would be as understanding when the truth came out. Eddie could be a little overprotective when it came to Christopher but Andrew didn’t blame him. 

“They, um, they said they might discharge me tomorrow,” Andrew said. “I’m remembering things better and I don’t really need to be here for that. They were saying it might be better if I’m at home.” 

Eddie looked a little surprised to hear it, but he was happy. “That’s great.”

Andrew smiled back. 

“I’m sure that Buck will be happy to hear it.” 

Andrew didn’t know how to feel about that. About any of it, including how strange his brother looked when he said that, like he was trying to be supportive. Chimney had said something about Eddie being suspicious about Buck and maybe those suspicions had never left...or it was something else. 

When Buck returned, holding a charger and holding Christopher, Andrew kept a close eye on Eddie who was smiling at Buck and Christopher. It was interesting. He didn’t look suspicious anyway. 

Eddie plugged Andrew’s phone in for him while Buck helped Christopher sit at the foot of Andrew’s hospital bed. Andrew gave him a bit more space and Buck shot him a smile. 

“This thing will probably give me a lot more info about myself.”

Buck nodded and Andrew did find it a bit amusing to see how that seemed to worry Buck some and maybe Andrew needed to use that, to make Buck pay for everything he’d done. At least a little. 

–

Next Chapter

Notes: Thank you to everyone reading this. You guys rock. 

I will admit that I have barely worked on this fic over the last week...I’ve spent a lot of time reading instead (oops), but I did manage to fit in some editing time. I’m hoping to not take forever with the next chapter but it’s one that needs a lot of editing but I hope it won’t be a long wait. 

In the meanwhhile, let me know what you all thought!

And if you want to be tagged on future chapters let me know. :)

Tagging: @tranquility-or-chaos @diazbuckleysworld @stilesgivesmefeels

[hollandstanevans]

Awkward

Chapter 4

*disclaimer this is a work of fiction so nothing is actually true.*

(sorry about the long wait life has been kicking my behind and this is kinda just a filler chapter. hopefully, I will be able to update more frequently now.)

warnings: use of the word hell

masterlist

Get my job back. Job it had been a long time since I thought about my job and I wanted it back. Whoever had it couldn’t. I’d been preparing for that job my whole life and I couldn’t let anyone have it. I looked at my phone and it was 9 pm. Now any sane person would have just waited until tomorrow but right now I am not a sane person. So because taking an uber would cost too much I decided to drive myself to the hospital and talk the chief of surgery who was hopefully still at the hospital. So I got in my car and drove to John Hopkins. When I got there I parked and ran in the building. 

I decided when I got inside the building it would look more professional to not be running through the halls to demand my job back. I got on the elevator and went to the Chief of Surgery’s office. I barged into the room and sitting in the desk was a much younger man than Chief Robinson, but that did not throw me off my mission to get my job back.

“Excuse me is the Chief of Surgery in? 

The man responded “You’re speaking to him”

“I’m sorry but you are not Chief Robinson” “Yea they let him go after he lost the best doctor that has ever come in this hospital, and we have been talking for 5 minutes and I still can not believe that you don’t know who I am y/n.

“Miller, Noah Miller is that you? I haven’t seen you since med school. What are you doing here?”

“Like I said Chief Robinson was let go after he lost the best doctor that this hospital has ever seen and they hired me to come and fix it back up”

“So who is this so-called best doctor”

“That would be you Dr.L/N”

“Well since we are on the topic I need to get to the real reason I am here”

“And what would that be. Are you here for your last paycheck because that should’ve come in awhile ago”

“No Miller I’m here because I want my job back”

“I’m not the head of pediatrics or neonatal so you are talking to the wrong person”

“I was the head of pediatrics and neonatal and that is the job I want back”

“I can offer you head of pediatrics because we have yet to find someone to fill that position but, we have already found someone to take over that position.”

“Now Miller I’m going to assume you have kept up with me over the years and with assuming that you should know that whoever you have hired is not as good as me.”

“That may be true but I am not firing someone Y/n and I know that you are better fitted to handle the job but you also have been out of the game for a while so we can see what you can still do”.

“Alright, Miller but when they want the best and patients’ parents request me please remember this conversation”.

“Go home y/n and get some rest you start back tomorrow 8 a.m” 

And with the end of that conversation, you left the hospital and headed back home. When you arrived home you got a text from Tom telling you that he couldn’t wait for you to give him a tour of the city. Tom, you completely forgot about him and your date tomorrow. Well, not a date but a “date” because well it’s just not a date. So you quickly text Tom and ask him could you reschedule the tour and maybe do lunch if he still wants to meet up tomorrow and he agrees. You tell him that tomorrow you will text him as soon as you can and let him a time that works and agrees. 

You are about to lay down and go asleep until you hear a door slam and you guess that it can’t be any other than your brother. Hemsworth walks in your room slamming the door and he yells “What the hell were you thinking?”.

“Five you are at a 15 right now and I am going to need you to bring it down. Four have you lost your everlasting mind? Three did forget who you were talking to? Two what the hell are you talking about? One would you like to try that again?”

“And she’s back,” Hemsworth screamed.

“Excuse me? Again have you lost your mind?” you asked him.

“You’re back. A week ago, hell less than 24 hours you would’ve been in the bed and you would’ve just thrown the covers over your head, but this is what the old y/n would’ve told me. Now I still have no idea what is going on with you and Chris but you are back my baby sister is back and this calls for a celebration. I need to get Liam on the phone and we can get him on the next plane over here and I’ll call Elsa and the kids because they miss their Auntie Y/n”. 

“Well Hemsworth whatever you plan on doing needs to be quick because I have half of my job back and to get what I want I will need to be 100% back on my game”

add yourself to the taglist

@hgacutan  @inlovewith3​ @zabdisamor​ @hnnhjy​ @notbexmader​

[yallreddieforthis]

Impossible Things Ch. 2

Fandom: It Chapter Two, It (2017)

Pairing: Richie Tozier/Eddie Kaspbrak

Rating: Explicit (in later chapters)

Words: 3k

Chapter: 1

Also on AO3

An hour later they’ve moved to Skype, all their living friends in boxes on Richie’s laptop screen. Bev is talking over Bill. Ben is sitting right next to her, on the same screen, just staring. Probably at Eddie, but there’s really no way of telling. And Mike is flipping through the pages of a huge stack of notes. He’s been silent for twenty minutes.

From what Eddie has gathered, they all got out of the house and left his dead body inside, which is fine with him because he kinda did the same thing to Richie. Somehow. And then they all went to the quarry and jumped in.

“That’s extremely unsanitary,” Eddie says immediately. “I can’t believe we swam in there as kids, that water is fucking full of bacteria.”

“I knew it! I knew you’d say that,” says Bev, smiling and resting her head on Ben’s shoulder. She sighs. “You’re really here.”

“Wh-What I don’t understand,” says Bill, “why did you come to LA? You told us you lived in New York.”

“What? No,” says Eddie. “I lived there when I was in like my late teens and then moved out and never looked back. I mean, nothing against New York except that’s where my mom was. But I haven’t lived there since I was eighteen.”

“That can’t be right,” Mike chimes in without looking up from his notes. “When I called you, you were definitely in Manhattan. I have both your home and cell numbers; both are 212 area codes.”

“Uh, no,” Eddie whips out his phone, brandishing it in front of the screen. “This is a 323 number. I’ve lived in West Hollywood for like twenty years now.”

“What about your wife?” Richie asks. Sulky, like an sullen kid.

Eddie bursts out laughing because honestly? That’s fucking hilarious. “Funny, Rich. Real funny,” he says.

No one else laughs.

“What’s funny?” asks Ben. “You told us you… What was her name? Myrtle?”

“Myra. She looks exactly like your mom,” says Richie. “Totally your type.”

“Okay, first of all fuck you Richie, that’s disgusting,” Eddie shakes his head. “Also, remember how I’m gay? Like a hundred percent gay. I literally moved here because I wanted to be around more gay guys. I haven’t so much as kissed a girl since I was sixteen.”

No one looks more shocked about this than Richie, which is crazy because Eddie has not been trying to hide it. In fact, he purposely brought it up at Jade of the Orient because as soon as Richie walked in the room he remembered that he used to be super in love with that guy. How does Richie not remember? They spent the whole rest of the evening flirting...or at least it was flirting on Eddie’s part. Maybe it wasn’t on Richie’s.

“Oh hey, me too,” Mike chimes in, almost absently. “Also I think I found something. This is going to sound weird, but--”

“Oh no, not weird!” says Richie. “This weekend has been so normal.”

“We can handle weird,” Ben adds. “Clearly.”

“Alright,” says Mike. He looks up into their faces. “So I think there was a parallel dimension--”

“A what now?” Eddie says.

“I told you it was weird,” Mike shrugs. “So I think what happened was that… remember when we tried to kill It the first time? Back when we were kids.”

“I do now. Vividly,” says Eddie.

“I think we created a rift. You know, like a dimensional split. And then when we killed It again… I think maybe the dimensions merged back together. Or maybe one of them collapsed. Anyway, whatever happened to the other one… I think you got spit into this dimension, Eddie.”

“I’m sorry, did the Shokopiwah tell you about all this shit too?” asks Richie. “Or did you learn this from Doctor Strange comics?”

“I’ve been studying the metaphysical for 27 years,” says Mike, pulling a book out of his pile and ignoring the sarcasm. “Shit gets weird. Much weirder than this.”

“So like, when Eddie died…” Bill starts.

“That Eddie is really gone,” Ben nods, like none of this seems that crazy to him. Ben never seems to have trouble accepting this shit, he was really fucking easy to convince to stay in Derry. “This Eddie… he’s the Eddie we knew as kids, but not the same Eddie we met up with this weekend?”

“Exactly,” says Mike.

“Are you still a goddamn risk analyst?” Richie demands.

“What the fuck is that?” Eddie asks.

“A career invented before fun,” says Richie. “A real snoregasm.”

“So you’re not a risk analyst?” asks Bill, who looks real confused, like he’s having a hard time following what’s going on. “What do you do?”

“Did you guys even know me as a kid?” Eddie cries. “What do you fucking think I am?”

“I knew it!” says Bev, pointing at the screen. “Didn’t I tell you guys he was a doctor?”

“Ohhh! You did say that,” says Bill.

“Too much goddamn school,” says Eddie. “But I went to nursing school like right out of college. I was a pre-med major. I’ve literally been a nurse my entire adult life. I never even seriously considered anything else. That risk analyst shit sounds fucking ridiculous.”

“Hey, listen,” Bill says, almost like he’s snapping out of a haze. “Richie, can you text me your address? I’m in Sherman Oaks, I can be there in like twenty minutes. I just… I want to see you, Eddie.”

“I want to see you too,” says Eddie, because he does. So badly. It feels really good to just say it and not worry about how it sounds. “I want to see all of you. Last time I saw you… I don’t think anyone but me made it out in the other dimension, or whatever it is, Mikey. I think you all died.”

Richie grabs his hand and squeezes it. Whether he’s trying to be reassuring or convince himself that this is really happening, Eddie isn’t sure.

“I’ll be right there.” Bill logs off. 

Beverly suddenly sits up straight in her seat. She sets the glass of wine she’s been holding on the table.

“No one who dies in Derry ever really dies…” she whispers.

“What?” Ben turns to face her. His arm is around her shoulders.

“When I went to my old apartment,” she says, “I… It was disguised as this old woman, Mrs. Kersh. She told me that no one who dies in Derry ever really dies. It didn’t make any sense then, but maybe…”

“I’m gonna have to do some more research,” says Mike. “I have to--”

“Mikey, no,” says Ben. “Get out of there. It’s enough. You’ve been killing yourself in that God forsaken town for twenty--”

“I did, I did, I swear!” says Mike. “I’m in an Airbnb in Boston. Look.” He pans his camera around. Very cute, very tasteful. Unlike Richie’s dump.

Eddie thinks about Mike, about him sitting alone in Derry with no one who really understood. Living above the library. Taking care of them from afar for almost three decades. Mike has done so much for them; he essentially sacrificed any dreams he might have had, his entire youth… Eddie remembers young Mike, fresh faced and handsome, daydreaming about Florida. And he gave all of that up. For them.

“I don’t need to know what happened, Mike,” Eddie says. “I’ll just. I guess I’ll just pick up from where Other Eddie left off. You’re all here. That’s enough for me.”

“We’ll come out to LA too,” says Bev, hand on Ben’s arm. “Soon, I promise. We… Things are a little complicated right now, but--”

“Complicated how?” Richie asks. He’s still holding Eddie’s hand. “I thought you two drove off into the sunset and are now fucking happily ever after.”

“Yeah, well… I mean, we are. Happy. Very happy,” says Ben. “But…” He glances sideways at Beverly. She smiles.

“I don’t have secrets from any of you,” she says. “My husband--my ex-husband. Tom. I filed for a protective order for the time being. Hopefully it’ll be granted. We have a hearing soon, but it’s a long process. I had him served with divorce papers this morning. My lawyer told us it’d probably be best for me to stay out of state for now, nowhere he might be able to track me down.”

“So where are you?” Eddie asks. He’d seen bruises on her arms when she’d shown up in Derry and he feels really bad for not connecting the dots before now. He guesses he’s probably forgiven because it’s not like there was nothing else going on, but still. What kind of shitty friend doesn’t say something about obvious belt bruising?

“Cape Cod,” says Ben, beaming. “My beach house. Tom doesn’t know about me yet, so we’re good.”

“Jesus Ben, you have a beach house on Cape Cod?” says Richie. “How fucking loaded are you?”

“Ben, you totally don’t have to answer that,” Eddie interjects, but Ben laughs.

“Well, it’s a good thing we don’t have to worry too much about money,” says Bev, “because I’m not going to fight Tom for Rogan and Marsh. He can just have it. I love designing, but it’s time for a fresh start. Who knows? Maybe I’ll start my own line.”

It turns out, as Bev explains, that although she was the one with a real passion for design and a goddamn fine arts degree, Tom really ended up taking total creative control of Rogan and Marsh. Eddie doesn’t know very much about fashion, but he thinks he has a pretty good idea of what Bev means when she says that Tom decided they’d focus exclusively on clothing with “clean lines and modern silhouettes.” Boring, safe, will sell well amongst wealthy white mommy bloggers.

Eddie remembers what Bev used to wear when they were young. She had unique taste. Whimsical, a little edgy. It seemed like she had maybe six or seven pieces of clothing in total, but somehow an endless variety of interesting outfits. It’s kind of fucked up that she ended up churning out like, Ann Taylor separates instead of getting to put her talents to real use.

“Speaking of um, separations,” Mike says, “Eddie, sorry. You do have a wife.”

“There’s literally no way,” Eddie says, shaking his head. “I don’t care what dimension or whatever, no way I was straight.”

“No one said that,” says Richie. “Just that you were stupid enough to marry a woman anyway. I Facebook stalked her when we were back in Derry.” Why…?

Richie lets go of Eddie’s hand to pull up Facebook on his phone and types in Myra Kaspbrak and then…

“Oh...my god. I married my mother.”

“Yeah, ya did,” says Richie, nodding. “I kept saying I wanted to fuck your mom but apparently not as much as you did.”

Myra’s Facebook page is not exactly a fountain of useful information, although she is an active Young Living essential oils distributor so she’s clearly a fan of multi-level marketing schemes and junk science, which is a red flag to say in the least.

And sure enough… Married to Edward Kaspbrak. There he is. There’s even a wedding picture with an extremely wide and extremely fake grin plastered on his face. Big yikes.

“Well, I have a great divorce lawyer if you need one,” says Bev.

“Yeah,” says Eddie, scrolling past some posts Myra made in a Homeowners Association group about neighborhood paint color regulations. “Yeah, Bev, can you send me that number?”

What a dumpster fire. It’s so bad he can’t even look away. She hits like every facet of human unpleasantness. Like just a giant ball of traits that Eddie can’t stand. Sanctimoniously Christian. Way too concerned about other people’s decorating schemes. Chronic vagueposting. Belief that you can prevent cancer with lemon juice in water. Minion memes.

How is he even going to go about dumping this lady? He knows nothing about their relationship except that it had to have been a farce. 

How fucking deep in the closet was he? Because if Mike got it right and he’s the same person existing in two different dimensions—which is crazy as shit, although in fairness his bar for crazy shit has been raised pretty fucking high in the last three days—his gay ass was somehow fucking this woman of his own free will.

“What am I even going to tell her?” he wonders aloud.

“Oh that’s easy,” says Richie cheerfully. “Hey Myra, I met up with my friends from middle school and remembered that I’m gay. We’re getting divorced.”

The further Eddie scrolls down her Facebook, the less concerned he is about hurting her feelings, to the point where when she misquotes Marilyn Monroe with that if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best bullshit, he decides then and there that Richie’s suggestion is good enough.

“I have her number, Eddie, if you want to call her,” says Mike.

“Yeah,” says Eddie. “I guess I’m gonna have to. But not tonight, it’s too late. Tomorrow.”

There’s a knock at the door.

“Also, uh,” says Richie, “are we not going to talk about the fact that both Eddie and Mike are gay?” He cranes his neck toward the door. “Hey Bill!” he shouts. “You gay too, man?”

“Am I what?” Bill calls back. Eddie rolls his eyes, then gets up to open the door for Bill.

Bill has his arms around Eddie before he even has a chance to take a breath. He buries his face in Eddie’s shoulder.

Richie blinks at them. “I said are you gay?” 

Bill doesn’t even look up. “No, I’m bi. I did a whole exposé about it last year in Vanity Fair, it was at like all the grocery stores in the country. Why do you ask?”

“Because I think we’re all turning into the Village People.” says Richie. “I call Randy Jones.”

“You would,” says Eddie, hugging Bill back just as fiercely. That was… That means Richie is gay too, right? Or bi or something. He didn’t say it exactly like that but he also didn’t exclude himself from the group. Luckily, Bill gets up the courage to pry before Eddie can overthink it too much.

“Wait so I think I missed something,” he says. “Eddie said he was gay earlier, I’m bi…”

“I’m gay,” Mike pipes up.

“Oh really?” says Bill, disentangling himself from Eddie and looking very extremely interested all of a sudden. “I didn’t know that.”

“I just,” Mike chuckles, “I just kind of felt like we had bigger things to worry about at the time.”

Bill sits on the couch and looks like he’s about to answer, a smile at the corners of his mouth, when Richie butts in by elbowing him in the side.

“Well shit man,” Richie says. “I wish we’d all just started up that dinner by stating our names and who we like to fuck. I spent the whole time fucking terrified someone was going to figure out… Ben, Bev? You got anything to tell us?”

Eddie really wishes he would’ve finished that sentence. Even though like, realistically, he knows what’s coming. Richie likes men. Whether exclusively men or men and others… he has a chance.

“I got nothing,” says Ben with a shrug. “Sorry guys. I’m straight. Bev?”

“I’m bi too, actually,” says Beverly. Ben looks surprised for a split second and then kisses her on the cheek. She smiles at him. “This is the first time I’ve ever said it out loud though. My ex-husband… He-- Let’s just say he wouldn’t have been supportive.”

“Wow,” says Richie. “He sounds like a dick.”

“So does Eddie’s wife,” says Bev.

“Eugh.” Eddie grimaces. “Please don’t call her that. I didn’t marry her. And I’m going to un-marry her as soon as possible.”

Bill’s phone buzzes. He pulls it out and winces, types a reply.

“Uh oh,” says Richie. “Someone’s sleeping on the couch tonight.”

“I’m guessing your wife wasn’t too happy with you for just taking off, was she?” asks Mike.

“Actually,” says Bill, rubbing the back of his neck, “she was less mad about that and more about how I told her I was moving out as soon as I got back.”

“Oh wait, what?” says Eddie, turning to face him. “You too?”

“Boy do I know the club for you, Bill,” says Richie. “Maybe your lawyer will start giving you a discount for referrals, Bev.”

Eddie smacks him on the arm. “Fuck you, bro.” Richie grins even wider. 

Bill sighs. “I just… I mean, can any of you imagine being married to someone that doesn’t know what you did this past weekend? Who’s never going to understand or even believe you?”

“Absolutely not,” says Eddie.

“But seriously,” Richie adds, “wouldn’t it be funny if you like all had the same divorce lawyer? You could have alimony brunches and shit.”

“I don’t think I really need a lawyer,” says Bill, shaking his head. “We had a pretty airtight prenup. She doesn’t need my money or anything, and I’d obviously give her whatever if she did. It’s not her fault she doesn’t… Anyway, yeah. I don’t really want to go home. Even though I really should keep packing.”

“Well,” says Richie, “as the French day, mi futon es su futon—”

Eddie can’t help himself. “Pretty sure no one says that—”

“Really?” Bill’s face lights up. “Thanks, Rich. I could get a hotel or something but… I don’t know. I don’t feel like being alone right now.”

“I feel that,” says Mike, nodding. 

Bev’s head drops to Ben’s shoulder. “And as much as I hate to get off the phone,” he says, “I think we’re falling asleep over here. Would it be weird to just like stay on Skype until we all fall asleep?”

“I don’t know, is it weird that all I can think about is the next time I get to see all of you?” asks Bill.

“Is it weird that I feel like puking right now listening to you guys?” asks Richie.

[id-on-parade]

A New Day

This will probably be a pretty long post. I’m gonna put the positives at the front, then i’m gonna exorcise some demons from my mind. This exorcism is to remove them from my head, not to put them into someone else’s, so i’ll go ahead and put an end to positives notice, and i guess read on at your own risk.

I am currently waiting on a list of approved Mental Health care providers in my area from my insurance company, I’ve just gotten off the phone with them and they said they would send it to me and I should pick one. After picking one and confirming they are accepting patients I should call the insurance folks back to get approval for a number of appointments. They close at five, so hopefully I’ll get the list soon so i can get this rolling - hopefully i’ll get this sorted today. Its funny that I feel this sense of almost giving up on doing it myself, this outdated cultural stigma at the same time that I feel a strong sense of hope that this will be a turning point in my mental health. I look back and wonder with a decent sense of awe how different my life might have been had I received mental health care as a teen when this all started.

I had a pretty heavy depressive episode yesterday, and am happy to report that today feels more like my standard levels of depression, i’m me again today - the me that most know, not the me that’s falling and can’t seem to catch hold. this information that today is a new day, i’ve survived, and the pit appears to have closed is the end of the positives for this post. here on in will be an unloading of a very stressful and difficult week, read on if you wish, but i gotta get these demons out somewhere, so here they go.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I guess i should start at the start. I returned this last week from a week of sick leave wherein I had some Covid symptoms, my wife had some Covid symptoms and at the start of that sick week, that was majorly stressful.  I got tested, nasal swab, x-ray, and found to be negative for covid, or pneumonia. my wife’s insurance, however, had her do an online appointment, she answered some questions, the internet told her it was likely viral sinusitis, and wrote her a note to take the week off as well, no seeing a doctor, no actual tests. now, luckily, we both seem to have gotten better over that week - but boy was that frustrating.

When I returned to work, my boss and I had a bit of a disagreement about what a sick note through Saturday meant, he thought i should have come in Saturday, I thought i shouldn't. I even called Saturday and someone over the phone told me i was not scheduled Saturday. at the end of the conversation he had basically made it seem like i was dumb for thinking about it the way i did, that it didn’t matter about the call on Saturday, and that i might get in trouble. then he said “so, for next time, you know - come in on the day that’s listed.” So far, no trouble has come down the pipeline about that, but he’s been much less jovial with me of late.

That’s probably a decent bit of paranoia, we’ve all been less jovial of late, at my work. Providing mental health care to inpatient teens is hard. there’s a lot of secondhand trauma. (more on that later) there’s a lot of firsthand trauma. (more on that later). These kids are quite ill, and they are trying so hard, often put up against a life that’s honestly too difficult for even most adults, my whole heart goes to them. Right now, With the pandemic, and the rioting, they have more stress than ever, and less access to their loved ones, and anyone who knows anything about mental illness, knows what that means for their mental health. And with all of our patients having suddenly much worse mental health it means not only that my coworkers and I are dealing with more unsafe situations, and absorbing more trauma, but on the back-end we’re watching these kids backslide through months of progress, and sometimes that’s so heartbreaking. It’s normal, to backslide, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about the kids, but it doesn’t make it less heartbreaking. so yeah, coworkers are all in their stressed out, panic, survival modes, and its pretty visible right now - which means sometimes we are not as awesome to each other as we could be.

One of my coworkers was especially not awesome, to himself, this week. I really looked up to this  guy. takes heart to be openly flamboyantly queer with these kids, and he was, and he was always honest with them as far as accountability, a real no-sugar-coating type guy. when things got rough, it wasn’t unusual to hear him say “look at your life, look at your choices” to these kids, where other staff might handhold, and walk them through an analysis of what they’d been doing. Well, this week he must have finally snapped from the stress, as about 5 cop cars and a firetruck arrived at the neighboring cottage to retrieve him from the bathroom, where he had sequestered himself to huff aerosol mid shift. He won’t be returning, and he was damn good at this. he’ll be missed, and I hope away from the job he can recover.

Stream of consciousness, this brings us to kids and trauma. To avoid trauma, as the kids also care about that coworker, I ushered the kids I was outside with into the building. well, all but one. This is a fairly new patient, AFAB NB, spent a long time homeless before coming to us, family ain’t about the identity. As the cops rolled up, they were hurling insults, flipping them off, and generally saying things that I had to remind them to watch their language for. not that i reminded them very loud, because honestly, mood. But then they got silent as the cops sent to work, and they got real still. they stopped responding to me, and that was when i decided to walk around in front of them and force eye contact. they were on the verge of tears. I said “They aren’t here for you, you’re safe here, let’s go inside - it isn’t helping you to watch this.” they said It’s just --- the last time I saw the Cops they were hauling away my boyfriend”. - “that is extremely traumatic, if you come inside with me we can work on some coping, and help you to get the thoughts out, will you come inside with me?” -- “I wan’t to, But I just Can’t, I Can’t Make Myself.” - “Can you take my arm and we’ll walk together?” --”NO! I Can’t Have Anyone Touch Me Right Now, PLEASE” - “Absolutely, you’re safe here, how about if we take it slow, and I walk beside you instead?” -- “o-okay” it took us roughly 5 minutes to walk the 20 steps to the door. Once inside, they wept in a ball for some time, before beginning to work on coping skills with me. In processing, they let me know they were having such trouble because the boyfriend they were remembering had been very abusive, and the cops were hauling him off because of the beatings he had heaped upon them. that they hated the cops because they thought they loved him at the time, even though they now know he was not good for them, but knowing that hadn’t made them hate the cops less. And that seeing the cops had put their mind firmly into memories of being abused, and that they were having trouble breaking free of that thought trap. eventually we were able to get them involved in group activities and somewhat distracted, at least.

There’s a kid who reminds me of me as a teen, he’s depressed, and angry. unlike me as a teen he’s also very slow to process, and to avoid falling behind when he fails to process things he either makes cruel jokes, or explodes with anger. His dog is dying. His family barely sees him normally, but with the virus they don’t do much at all. His only contact is family therapy, and when he remembers to call them. he often doesn’t remember to call them until after phone time is over. then he wants to scream and shout and tear everything apart when he doesn’t get to make the call. This story though, is about a day he did remember to call. And his family let him know about the riots, all across the country. He’s trying hard to understand, but he doesn’t. He thinks, his being here, after drug and assault charges, has something to do with whats going on out there. that maybe his case is also unjust. but he also knows he needs this care. but he also sees himself backsliding and feels hopeless about progress, due to the depression. This is when he decides to try to recruit his peers to escape with him. All of his peers, to their credit, stayed the fuck out of it. but it did mean convincing him of the value of treatment, and the potential risk of breaking down a door - while he was trying to break down a door. he’s one of the few that I honestly don’t know, if i’m alone with him and he swings on me, if i could defend myself well enough until support arrived. he didn’t that day. but boy was that A Lot Of Stress.

The kid who has assaulted the most staff and peers, physically, verbally, sexually. started a plan that had him out of Low Stim and with peers in Close Attention this week, because we were receiving a new kid this week, at six foot, straight from juvie, a known fighter, and an off-meds psychopath. and, even though Low Stim has 2 rooms, we’re trying to get sexually assaultive kid out of there so there isn't risk in the dual occupancy. i’ll talk about new kid later, for now lets talk about the more long term patient. this patient has trouble with building relationships, an echo of the abuse he experienced in younger life, frequently he gets sexually explicit, physically assaultive and perhaps fecally oriented while doing so, especially when he is worried about relationships, or feels “too silly”. the trouble being of course, our counseling works best when we build strong relationships with patients, and even regular jokes can push him into the “too silly” category. He did well for the first bit. after about three days the back to back escalations began. a peer told a joke, he laughed too much, the staff pulled all the other kids inside and away from him to protect them. he whipped out his dick, pissed all over the place, tried showing it to staff, then began throwing sidewalk chalk everywhere, windows, doors, the roof, towards other buildings, whatnot. when the support staff arrived and 12 of us asked him to proceed to a quiet room, he did so of his own volition, rather than us taking him, and due to that, my coworker did not lock him there. no sooner had the extra staff gone than he came out banging around.we went hands on and locked him there. at the end of an hour and a half, my coworker deemed he had calmed enough to rejoin his peers. no sooner had he made his way back into the milieu than he began trying to hug and grope various staff.we again hauled him into a quiet room and locked him there. as the shift neared its end, we called security and had them help us get him back to his room in the LSA, not wanting to leave night shift with a kid in a QR. once back there, he tried to show staff his dick, again, and eventually settled into refusing to go to his room, when it was clear staff wouldn’t interact with him anymore for the night and expected him to go to bed, he went in his room, drug his mattress to being half down in the doorway, looked at me and said “is this in my room enough?” before laying down to try to sleep. he was scared, after everything he didnt want to be alone, and would rather not follow directions and potentially be in trouble, than be by himself in his room. I let him stay there. More of the same throughout the following day, and the day after that is when his story intersects with new kids in just about the most traumatic way.

New kid is over six feet, muscular, dead eyed, and arrived wearing a juvie orange jumper which he refuses to change from. developmentally, it is hard to distinguish this mustachioed individual from a fully grown man. in all of his dealings with staff, he was robotically polite. out of staffs sight he could be heard screaming angrilly, wailing in dispair, cursing out people who aren’t there, and then pleading “ oh no, no no no, NO NO NO NO” like you would expect to hear from a prone person while someone with a bloody knife walked towards them. I know because for a lot of the week i sat and listened to this. i listened to him strike himself after the pleading as well. and while I personally was not threatened in any way by his actions, it was still extremely stressful and distressing. Throughout the week, whenever the longer term patient overheard these things, he would should “would you stop, damn” to the new kid, and less polite versions. I tried to remind the long term patient that everyone struggled with different things, and that it would be better to ignore his peer, or at least make politer requests. no such luck. it seemed, throughout the week as though new kid simply did not hear long term patient.he proved that wrong on saturday afternoon, when he marched out of his room and began wailing on long term patient. after long term patient fell, new patient grabbed him by the hair and pulled him into a room, where the beating could be heard to continue. By the time we had enough staff to safely go in, new kid was standing one foot on long term kids throat, looking him in the eyes and repeating “i’m going to kill you” but, dispassionately.

I think thats it for work stress, I covered viral stress earlier. I am stressed by the riots. it makes me profoundly sad that it must come to this, but i also find myself firmly believe it HAD to come to this. that this rioting is righteous, and the only road to social change. I’ve been a punk since I was a teen, and I feel like i should do more for this movement, but honestly all of my energy is being spent keeping me going and treating these kids.

My depression has picked my relationship with bestie to fixate on in these trying times, and I fear I may have damaged that relationship because of it this weekend. bestie has just started a new schedule which is excellent for her. I’m so happy that she is now on a schedule that works for her needs, and will allow a healthy amount of sleep, and time at home, and for her to sleep close to the hours she’d prefer to be sleeping. I had been very lucky in that her last schedule was very close to my own schedule, and so our time at home nearly entirely overlapped. she chose to spend a number of mornings, and late evenings after the rest of the house just hanging out, her and I, and I absolutely love that time. I don’t want to sound entitled to it, at all. it is a gift she gives to me, that I am so happy to receive and which i am so glad she wants to give to me. With the new schedule she will have to leave early enough that the morning hangouts will not be an option, and because of this likely ought to go to bed early enough that the hangouts while the house slumbers aren’t a healthy choice. My depression tried hard to have me believing that this meant those times were just gone. After work saturday, bestie and wifey were listening to an excellent, but extremely despairing/sad audio drama.It was very enjoyable. It was probably not a mentally healthy choice for me to partake in that, and had I requested a different hangouts activity, they might have been a little sad, but probably would have swapped. instead, rather than be an even minor inconvenience I joined because i wanted the hangouts, and had a great time listening to a great story and felt like while the despair was growing in me, in resonance with the story, i’d sleep on it and it’d be alright sunday. I woke up sunday honestly too depressed to get out of bed. just laying in spiral. I asked bestie to join us in bed, when i heard her going to get her phone charger, hoping extra cuddles would help me get through, i don’t know why i couldn’t ask for what I wanted, I had the opportunity and I’m sure it would have been fine, now, in hindsight. I felt like at the time I was so certain something would go wrong. eventually everyone came to the bed and there was a semi-cudllepuddle. people didn't want to fall back asleep, it makes sense not to full cuddle puddle for that. as people set in on their various phone activities I started to get that feeling like i wasn’t part of what was happening (despite being there. I know, I don’t know why, but when the depression gets going it gets harder to fight.) and rather than grab my phone and to the separate activities together thing I just withdrew. i recall someone commenting on it, and I thought i said something confirmatory about it. The blondes (wifey and besties husband) went to the store, and I could tell bestie might fall asleep, so i tried to get her to stay awake, she needed to for the new schedule. in interacting i’d asked to hold her hand, and she observed i was sad to relinquish it when she wanted it back. admitting that made me sad, led to just an outpouring of all of this stuff sans work stuff. and the worry about time to spend. I shouldn’t have dumped all of that on her, she didn’t consent to listening to that, and she certainly had a stressful enough time. I hate that when I’m in the throws of this damn disease I can’t seem to stop this. I don’t want to hurt the people I love. I don’t want to push them away. She reminded me I ought to go to therapy. I worry I may have offended her by talking about worrying about time we’d get to spend together. That voice in my brain is trying to convince me that her response means that those times mean so much more to me than to her. thats a damn lie. its a damn lie and it needs to get out. I’m exorcising it with the lot.

I’ve just received the list. I’m ending this here, and moving forward with that productive enterprise

[theoneryderlynn]

Self - Para || Some Things We Don’t Talk About (Backdated)

Ryder sat at the dining table at his parents’ house, his mind focused on the fact that he had just arranged a meeting with his father, something he thought would never happen. He didn’t want them to be mad at each other, he was tired of the constant tension and misunderstandings. Things would probably never be perfect between them, but at least they could meet up for the last time before he would leave for NYC. They were supposed to grab dinner at one of Lima’s restaurants until Mrs. Lynn convinced Ryder to visit their home. They had a little chat, his mom left for a meeting with a friend later on, while Ryder and his father were able to have some alone time.

“I thought we could talk before I moved out. I don’t want things to be bad between us. I know you have expectations...I found a job, and I’ll continue to be better...I do have a plan. Everything’s set.” Ryder spoke slowly, hoping deep inside that this conversation wouldn’t end badly. They were family, things weren’t supposed to be so complicated between the two of them.

“I appreciate you coming here, Ryder. What’s the job about?” Andrew asked, taking a bite of the food that Mrs. Lynn had prepared for them. Her homemade empanadas were to die for.

Ryder explained everything while he was eating, making sure to avoid eye contact. He was quite sure he’d hear that he was expected to become a doctor, he was not wrong.

“That doesn’t sound bad, at least you’re doing something different than fixing cars.” Some things just never changed, “It’s not med school, but it’s something. Maybe business was the right choice, hopefully you’ll make it work”

Ryder nodded, well it was probably the first time his dad sort of appreciated his college major. He kept on eating thinking that the conversation wasn’t going that bad. At least he had just gotten a little bit of approval.

“So you’re going to New York alone?”

“No, Marls is coming with me.”

“Are you finally planning on making it official?”

Ryder scrunched his nose up hearing the question, “We are official…” He started before rolling his eyes for a short second, “Oh. That official.” He murmured, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, a habit that he had whenever things weren’t going exactly as he wanted them to, “Possibly. I think it’ll happen soon enough. When the time’s right for us…”

“So you have doubts?”, His dad’s voice was calm as always, lacking any kind of emotions.

That angered him, “What?” Ryder hid his head in his hands for a moment, “God, no. Marley’s just starting her music career and I don’t wanna overwhelm her. When everything works out maybe I’ll be able to pop the question.” He wasn’t planning on looking at the other man, there were no chances. He was quite certain that his dad’s eyes were following his moves carefully, just like they had always been. He was right.

“You sound like you’re scared of something.” Andrew Lynn said casually, grabbing his glass of water.

“I’m not scared. I know that we’ll make it through, no matter what. The career stuff’s tough. The pressure, tours, the whole industry... I just think it’s better to wait a lil bit.” He played with his fingers for a moment. Damn, he hated those conversations, his relationship was none of his father’s business, but the man always asked the same questions. He wouldn’t admit out loud that the whole New York part was terrifying, “We’ll be fine, I’m sure of that. I think living in New York will be way more challenging… It’s a big step for both of us. It’s a lot to figure out.” Don’t sound too nervous, don’t sound too nervous.

Andrew shrugged when he finished his food, and looked at his son, “If you don’t make it through, then you’ll be fine as well. Don’t worry about it. You’ll be okay. I mean, you’re quite good looking and you come from a good family. It won’t be a problem.”

“You’re not being serious right now.”

“I am. That’s the truth, Ryder. That’s how things work. People come and go, it’s life, it’s all about your decisions. You need to focus on what you want.”

“It’s life?! What are you talking about?”

“When I was your age I knew what I was doing. I was sure I wanted to get married, have a great job, have a future. I’m happy you’re finally doing another step forward, that’s great. I would like you to know that I appreciate you sharing it with me. But Ryder, you need to be sure that every aspect of your life is well planned, you need to be certain that it’s what you want. It feels like you have so many doubts, like you’re not entirely sure it’s the right thing to do. You won’t succeed until you’re convinced it’s what you need. Set your goals.”

Ryder did not expect himself to react so emotionally, his dad had just hit a soft spot. It was supposed to be a peaceful dinner when they would talk about his job, not other problems. He kept quiet for a couple minutes before he blurted out, “See? That’s the reason. That’s why you don’t understand. You never have and you never will.” He put his fork on his plate knowing that he wouldn’t be able to eat anymore, his heart pounding in his chest. He wasn’t planning on discussing such matters, sadly a part of him was tired of the other man not caring about his thoughts, “You have never given a shit about how I feel and I’m done with it.” Ryder spoke quickly, knowing that he wasn’t controlling what he was saying. He noticed a confused look on his dad’s face, “People come and go? Really? You have no idea how much what me and Marley have means to me.” He bit on his bottom lip so hard that he felt blood in his mouth. It was now or never, “Remember how much I dated back then in high school and when I started college? Yeah, well none of those so-called relationships mattered. I don’t…” His voice quivered as he said it, “After what happened back then...It’s not easy for me to open up in front of girls. I tried, but I can’t. It’s like hitting the wall against your head. It’s terrible, it’s like I’m not capable of it at all.”

“I don’t know why things just clicked with Marley, maybe it’s ‘cause I met her when she was also fighting her own issues. Doesn’t matter now. The thing is that if our relationship doesn’t work out, then I don’t think I’ll ever manage to be so vulnerable with anyone else. And it scares me that I’ll be left on my own. I don’t think I’ll be able to love again. And of course you don’t understand.”

“Ryder.” His dad shuffled closer to his son and reached out to touch his hand, “I had no idea.”

He stood up quickly, taking his hand away from his father’s, “You had no idea ‘cause you never listen! You thought I was doing fine because that damn babysitter touched me once or twice so it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter ‘cause some psychologists at school told you an eleven year old was doing fine. You never asked! All you cared about was your reputation.” He was practically screaming right now, tears in his eyes, his hands shaking. He’d never spoken to his father in such a way.

“You’ve always wanted me to be perfect. Do whatever you asked me to do. See, that’s not how it works, dad. I’ve tried, but I can’t. I gotta do my own thing. And I will, no matter what. You have no idea...no idea how it is…” He pointed at his father, feeling the tears rolling down his cheeks, “How hard it was to learn how to read when I was sixteen. How hard I worked my ass off to get decent grades while doing tons of extra work to fight this damn dyslexia. And you still said I wasn’t doing shit.”

He reached for his glass of water breathing deeply. While Andrew wanted to speak up, Ryder just raised his hand. He took a big sip of his drink, before continuing, “I don’t expect you to be happy for me or to be proud of me. Not anymore. I just want you to know that I’m not perfect, I’ll never be. I struggled but made it through while you have never asked if I was okay. If I needed to talk, if I needed any help. I just want you to know that I’ll be fine, no matter what. I don’t know what the future holds for me, I’m sure I’ll work crazy hard ‘cause that’s what I do. I’m happy now. I’m happy without your input. Without your pressure, and stupid expectations. You won’t define what I’m supposed to do. You won’t define who I am. You’ve already created enough mess in my life.”

He breathed quickly when he finished, feeling the water on his cheeks, and his shaky hands. His head was spinning around, but he’d finally said it. Something he’d wanted to scream into his father’s face for so long. He was just about to move to leave, his jacket was surely somewhere around, when suddenly then the next thing he felt, were his father’s arms around him. He hugged the man back feeling so numb, so emotionally drained. Ryder had no idea how long the hug lasted, the only thing he heard, was a whisper,

“I’m so sorry…”

[hamletandthegang]

France- Part 6

Again, this fic is a little on the heavy side! If things like hospitals and panic attacks are triggering to you, please consider skipping this one! Stay safe kiddos <3

The blaring white light bounced off the glistening stone path. Maggie held her phone up as she walked quietly down the edge of the sewer. She turned sharply when she heard a loud creaking noise behind her, but it echoed around the dim cavern and disappeared quickly. Maggs turned back to the path ahead of her, and shone her phone flashlight back on the path.

The sewers are not a pleasant place. Maggs had pulled her pair of old galoshes from her bag, and descended back into the place where she had spent a good amount of her time in the past many years: the sewer systems of Europe- highly convenient for one wishing not to be found.

Maggie held her phone up, and squinted as she tried to make out the passage further down the tunnel. She was looking for her landmark, because no matter how well you knew the entricit tunnel system, it was almost impossible to navigate. 

She stopped and brushed her hand on the wall. It was in this general area, she just had to find it. Her hand hit the brick sticking out of the wall, flashed a crooked grin, and pushed down with her fist on the oddly placed brick. After a loud ka-CHUNK, the brick tumbled out of the wall, and she was able to reach the latch inside. She turned it, with some struggle, and the wall fell away to reveal the small passage behind it. Maggie crept inside, turned the latch on the inside, and the wall returned to its original state. Maggie then turned and crawled down into the space, and set off. She would soon be underneath the palace itself. 

~~~

Ophelia sat across from Hamlet. They had been sitting right outside the room where Horatio was for over half an hour, waiting for the others to get back from shopping for essentials at the mall across the street. They didn’t know when it would be safe to go back to the castle, or if it would be at all.

Hamlet was hunched over with his head in his hands. He hadn’t moved much from that spot ever since the doctors had booted him out of the room. Ophelia was trying to find a good way to start a conversation, but words seemed to stick in her throat. 

Hamlet sighed and rubbed his eyes, the first time Ophelia had seen him breathe in a while. She wanted to kiss him and slap him at the same time, so she decided it would be best to do neither.

She cleared her throat quietly, then spoke, “So,” Her mind immediately went blank. “Um, that- that was a crazy couple of days, huh?” Hamlet made a soft grunting noise. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Ophelia added softly.

After a long pause, Hamlet said, “I guess,”

“Okay,” Ophelia said, and they sat in silence.

It seemed like silence was the most therapeutic thing possible at this point. One of their friends was dead, two were in the hospital, one of whom was a wanted criminal. Hopefully, they could talk to the king and have him repeal the order, but home seemed so far away. 

“I found him lying in the bathtub at this hotel,” Hamlet said, almost whispering. “He was- he was so broken. I- I didn’t know what to do, so I just let him cry on me, and we just kinda sat there for a few hours.” Ophelia looked at him with wide eyes. He hadn’t moved from his hunched over position. “Then I met Maggie,” Hamlet hesitated. Ophelia frowned. He’d met another girl? “And she said she’d help us get home, because I don’t really know Paris very well, so we said ‘okay’ and followed her to the train, and there was the explosion, and then he had a breakdown on the floor of the train, and then we got on the bullet train, and-” Hamlet stopped abruptly. “And I couldn’t protect him.”

Ophelia stood and sat down on the chair next to him. Hamlet peeked through his hands at her, and she put a gentle hand on his shoulder. Hamlet slowly sat up, and looked at Ophelia. He settled his head on her shoulder, and she hugged him. Hamlet sniffed, and Ophelia started rubbing his back. A quiet tear trailed down his face.

“Baby, there was nothing you could’ve-”

“No,” Hamlet said firmly. “I could’ve gotten him home by myself, I shouldn’t have taken her help! I could’ve lost her at the train station, I could’ve- I could’ve run faster! I could have taken the bullet, and then he wouldn’t have to be half dead right now! Ophelia, this is my fault!”

“No, it’s not!” She shouted. She looked at Hamlet’s desperate face, and her voice dropped. “Look, you couldn’t have predicted what that girl would do. You couldn’t predict Horatio going missing, or Notre Dame burning down, or any of it! You simply acted in the manner that the situation called for at the time. And that’s all you can really do.”

Her words seemed to calm him down a bit, and he leaned back again. “If he dies-”

Ophelia cut him off, “He won’t die.” She shut her eyes, and took a deep breath. Hamlet was staring at her. He seemed to wake up from whatever state of shock he was in, and gently wrapped his arms around her. She reciprocated, and they sat together for a few minutes. There was an odd silence in the hall of the white walled hospital. While one could hear a pin drop, there was also the constant humming and beeping that echoed around the hall. 

Hamlet breathed into Ophelia’s shirt, the one that Anna had lent her. “You know what I wanna do?” He asked, and Ophelia glanced at his face.

“Hmm?”

“I wanna go back to college. I want to get everyone out of the hospital, and go to college. Fuck whatever my uncle wants me to do.”

“That sounds so great,” Ophelia mused. “I could finally have a moment of peace away from my dad,” She added, chuckling. “We should wait until Anna’s court hearing is over and done so she could come too.”

“Oh yeah, definitely.”

“Do you think we could all get a dorm together?”

“If anything I’ll get my mom to rent an apartment or two.”

Ophelia sighed, thinking fondly back to her many months studying and reading. The college was fairly small and private, and Hamlet had gotten them all in on an almost completely free ride. He loved to mooch off his uncle. 

Ophelia opened her mouth to say something, but at that moment, a nurse slid open the door to Horatio’s room, and told them that they could see him if they wanted. They both stood up immediately and walked in the room, and the nurse shut the door as she left. 

Hamlet shivered as a chill raced down his spine. The atmosphere in the room was cold at best. Horatio was extremely pale, and was lying unconscious on the white bed sheets. Hamlet dropped to his knees next to the bed, and took Horatio’s hand. Ophelia sucked in a breath when she walked in. She quickly walked over to where Hamlet was kneeling, and put a hand on his shoulder. 

The anesthetic they had put him on was set to wear off soon, but there was no knowing when he would wake up. Hamlet and Ophelia stayed there for a few minutes, and then he glanced up at her. They stood up and sat down on the bench near the bed, and leaned up against the cold wall. 

“How did this happen?” Hamlet said softly. “Like, a year ago my dad was still alive and we were in England hanging out at that little park.”

“I miss the park,” Ophelia whispered. “It’s so run down, but I love it there,” She laughed. Hamlet and her had gone on one of their first dates there. Polonius hadn’t let them go out together while they were still in Denmark. He still didn’t approve, but they found ways to sneak out together. 

“We’ll go back once all this dies down a bit,” Hamlet said, looking her in the eyes. She nodded, and it became quiet again.

“I miss Ben.” 

“Me too,” Hamlet said. “I’m going to kill whoever actually started that fire.”

“They’re saying that he did,” Ophelia glanced over at Horatio.

“Yeah, he does too.”

Ophelia looked back at Hamlet, “What?”

“Yeah, whatever happened in France messed him up a little bit up there,” Hamlet pointed to his head. “I know he didn’t. He would never do that.”

“Fuck,” Ophelia breathed, and leaned back on the wall, putting her hand on her face. She hadn’t thought about the mental repercussions this whole thing would have on Hamlet and Horatio. She didn’t even realize the repercussions it would have on her own mind.

“Yeah.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes longer, listening to the beep of the heart monitor near them.

Ophelia looked up at Horatio, only to realize that his eyes were open. He was staring up at the ceiling. She brushed Hamlet’s arm, and stood up slowly.

“Horatio?” she asked softly.

  His head turned, and his once clear blue eyes met hers. They were more dull and gray than she had remembered. 

Hamlet stood up quickly, and took Horatio’s hand. 

“How do you feel?” he asked hurriedly.

“Stiff,” was Horatio’s reply. “I’m not- I’m not dead?” He looked at them with a slightly confused look on his face.

“No,” Ophelia said, her voice laced with concern. “Why would you be dead?”

“Oh,” Horatio said, and then absentmindedly stared out the small window in the door. 

Ophelia looked at Hamlet, and he quickly said in her ear, “He’s still under a lot of pain meds, don’t freak out.” Ophelia nodded.

Hamlet sat down on the edge of the bed, and the motion drew Horatio’s eyes back to him. A strange look crossed his face, and he said, “I’m hungry.”

Hamlet said quietly, “Sorry bro, they said you can’t have any food or water for a bit. We’ll get you food soon though, okay?”

Horatio stared at him, then went back to his absentminded look out the window of the door. “Do you see it? Do you see it too?” He said, barely audible.

Ophelia and Hamlet both turned to look at where he was staring, but it was nothing but the door.

“See what?” Ophelia asked. “Horatio, what do you see?”

“The fire,” he answered. 

Hamlet looked at Ophelia, who looked like she was about to break down again. He wrapped an arm around her in a tight hug, then suggested that she take a breath outside. She nodded shakily, and shut the door behind her. 

~~~

Ophelia had walked all the way outside the cold hospital, and was sitting on one of the iron benches next to a tree. She was trying to stop herself from shaking, but she wanted to break down and cry. She was trying so hard to be there for Hamlet and Horatio and everyone else, but she was exhausted. 

What Horatio had said had scared her. She knew that the meds hadn’t worn off, but still. He was still seeing the fire. He thought he had died. That wasn’t normal, was it?

She opened her phone, and swiped to Annalise’s contact. She tapped on it, and waited for her to pick up.

“Hey, what’s up?” She said.

“Hey, just wanted to let you guys know, Horatio woke up.”

“Really? Should we come back?”

“Uh, well right now Hamlet’s talking to him, and honestly, it might be best to just give them some space for a bit. He’s not in a great place right now.”

“Is he okay?” Anna asked.

“Yeah, he’s fine. It’s just that the drugs they put him on are making him a little… strange.”

“Oh, okay. Do you maybe wanna join us at the mall? It’s actually pretty nice, and you’ve been at the hospital for a while now.”

Ophelia hesitated. “Yeah, that sounds great, actually. Lemme check with Hamlet and make sure he doesn’t need me, but yeah.”

“Okay! I can come pick you up. The boys are getting us those cinnamon pretzels, want some?”

“Yeah, I love those,” Ophelia answered. “I haven’t had those in forever.” 

“Okay! See ya in a bit!” And she hung up. 

Ophelia texted Hamlet, and he said that it was fine, he’d stay with Horatio for a while. 

~~~

“Did I scare her?” Horatio said, after Ophelia had left the room. 

“No, you’re fine, she’s just been really stressed about all this.” Hamlet smiled at him reassuringly.

“Okay,” 

Hamlet sat back down on the bed. “So, uh, how’re you feeling?”

“Fuzzy,” He mumbled. 

“Yeah, that’ll wear off soon,”

Horatio shifted, and tried to sit up in the bed. A pained expression crossed his face, and he looked down confusedly at the bandages around his stomach. 

“Is that..?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re itchy,” He noted.

“I know. Don’t mess with them, okay?”

“Okay,” Horatio said with a small voice.

“Do you still see the fire out there?” Hamlet said after a brief hesitation.

“No, it went away.”

“That’s good. It’s not here anymore. You’re safe.”

Horatio looked at Hamlet, and the edge of his mouth pulled up a little bit. “Yeah, it’s gone.”

Hamlet smiled back, but even he knew that it wasn’t genuine. He took in a deep breath. “What happened in the cathedral?” He didn’t want to upset Horatio, but he wanted to know.

Horatio looked at Hamlet with an unsettling blank expression, and after a few moments, started talking. “Laertes said to stay there and look for the spies. I sat there and looked around, and then the people started screaming, and the fire made things start falling from the ceiling. I tried to get out, but I got trapped in the center of the church. Then I found Marc. I tried to get him to leave with me, but he wouldn’t until he found Ben. I would have been crushed if I had stayed any longer, and Marc ran off into the fire.” Emotion dripped into his voice the longer he spoke. “I ran outside, and a big part of the church collapsed. Laertes said…” Horatio trailed off, and a troubled expression crossed his face. He couldn’t remember. “...something. He said something and I got scared and ran away from the cathedral. A group of people saw me on the news and started following me, so I hid under the steps of the underground walkway, and waited for them to leave. Then I found Maggie.” He stiffened when he said her name. He stopped talking, but something dawned on him.

“Hamlet, where are Ben and Marc?”

~~~

Annalise stopped in front of where Ophelia was sitting and honked the horn. She smiled and got in.

“Thanks, I need to get out of here for a little while,” She said as she buckled her seatbelt.

“Yeah, no problem. So, Horatio woke up?” Annalise asked. Her dark hair was bundled up in two buns on the top of her head.

Ophelia nodded. “He was saying stuff about how he thought he had died, and then said he could still see the fire. I got kinda freaked out, and Hamlet suggested I take a few minutes outside while he talked to him.”

“Okay,” Annalise thought for a moment. “Well, I left the guys at the pretzel stand so we’ll meet up with them and hang out for a while. It’s really nice to just kinda pretend that everything’s fine and just be a group of teenagers at the mall.” Annalise laughed. 

“Yeah,” Ophelia giggled. “Marc was still sleeping when I left,” she noted. Marc had been sleeping a lot, so they couldn’t talk to him much. Even when he was awake, he didn’t want to talk to anyone. He wasn’t doing well with the news about Ben. None of them were. They were all pretending that it hadn’t happened. Until the funeral could be held, there wasn’t anything they could do. Nothing about it seemed real, and reality hadn’t sunk in yet.

They arrived and parked the van. Anna linked arms with Ophelia and steered her towards the pretzel stand, and they saw Rosencrantz and Guildenstern sitting on a bench, with Rosencrantz draping his legs over Guildenstern’s. Guildenstern was tapping on his phone, and looked up when Annalise said hello and started playing with his hair. 

Ophelia sat down next to Rosencrantz, and he gave her a small paper cup full of small round pretzels covered with cinnamon.

“Wow, I haven’t had these since I was a little kid. My mom took me to the mall and we would get these for lunch.” Ophelia said as she stuffed one in her mouth.

“I got a red slushie,” Rosencrantz said gleefully, holding up the cup he was drinking from. 

“So Horatio woke up?” Guildenstern asked Ophelia.

“Yeah, he’s really out of it because of the pain meds, so Hamlet’s talking to him and trying to get him back to his senses.”

“Do you think he knows about Ben yet?” Rosencrantz asked softly, then seemed surprised when Ophelia answered, as though he thought he hadn’t said it out loud.

“I don’t think so. Hamlet said that he thinks that the whole thing is his fault, so it might be best if he doesn’t know.”

“Why would it be his fault?” Guildenstern asked. “He’d never hurt anybody.”

“I know, but-” Ophelia hesitated, trying to gather her thoughts. “Something happened to him while he was over there.”

“Other than-”

“Yes, other than him being shot,” Ophelia cut Rosencrantz off. “Like, mentally. I think he’s got a lot of trauma from whatever happened in the cathedral. And, yeah he’s not in a good place right now.”

“Oh,” Guildenstern said. He stared blankly at the crowd of people milling around. After a few moments of quiet, he said. “I’m going to dye my hair.”

Ophelia looked at him and smiled, “Okay? What color? Why?”

“That’s just how I deal with things. This is the first time in a while that I’ve actually had normal colored hair. I’m gonna dye my hair.”

“It’s true,” Rosencrantz laughed. “A couple years ago he dyed it almost every month.”

“Yeah, well, I was going through hell,” Guildenstern laughed. “We’re going through hell again, and I’m gonna dye it.”

“Alright, do you wanna go get some colors?” Anna said excitedly. She loved helping people with hair. She was the one who’d given Guildenstern his first short haircut after he’d gotten away from his family. “I think there’s a shop down that way with hair stuff,” She said, gesturing further off around the corner. 

“Absolutely, Anna you’re the best,” he said, pushing Rosencrantz’ legs off of him and standing up. He picked up his cup of pretzels and started to walk off with Anna. 

“I thought you were the impulsive one,” Ophelia said to Rosencrantz, laughing.

“You’d be surprised,” he answered, and they stood up and followed them.

~~~

Ophelia and Annalise rushed in the door, with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern behind them. 

“What’s wrong?!” Ophelia shouted, and stopped to catch her breath.

“It’s Horatio, I- I had to tell him!” Hamlet stuttered, looking bewildered at her.

“Tell him what?!” She yelled, and rushed to Horatio’s side. He was openly sobbing, and curled up on the side of his bed. Ophelia kneeled down, put a hand on his shoulder, and started trying to calm him down.

“About Ben!” Hamlet said. All four of them looked at him, and he shrank back into the bench. 

“I think he’s having an extreme panic attack or something,” Ophelia said, ignoring Hamlet, and slowly stroking Horatio’s messy hair. He refused to look up, and stayed crumpled in on himself. He was hyperventilating and covered in sweat. 

Hamlet had called her a few minutes after they had finished in the salon, and they had driven over as fast as they could. 

Annalise walked over to the bed, and sat on it. She put her knees to her chest, and scooted back to be next to him on the bed. She tapped him on the shoulder, and whispered if she could touch him. He slowly nodded after a moment, and she curled up next to him with her arms around him. He continued shaking and sobbing, but after a moment, looked over at her. 

“Hey, it’s me. Annalise. I’m here. You’re not there anymore, you’re at the hospital. You are safe.” Anna spoke calmly and softly. “Take a deep breath, please?”

“I can’t,” he answered groggily.

“Okay, that’s fine. Here, breathe with me,” She said, and started breathing deeply and holding Horatio’s hands. He turned, and began to copy her pattern of breath. After a few moments, he started to calm back down. 

“Do you want to talk about it yet?” she asked. Horatio shook his head slightly. “Okay, we’ll just stay like this.”

Annalise motioned to Ophelia to get the guys to leave, and she took Hamlet’s hand and moved him to the chairs outside. Rosencrantz followed him, but Guildenstern stayed behind. 

“Hey, can I try something?” he asked Anna, and she nodded. He sat down on the center of the bed in front of them, and put his hand on Horatio’s knee.

“Breathe in for four seconds,” He said softly. Horatio complied. “Hold it for seven seconds, and now release for eight seconds.” Horatio looked at him as he let out the breath, and Guildenstern smiled. “In for four, hold it for seven, out for eight,” He continued the pattern, and soon Horatio had completely de-escalated. 

Ophelia was watching from the bench by the bed. Annalise was still holding his hand, and, after he seemed to be more stable, asked, “Horatio, are you okay now?”

Horatio looked at her, “Yeah, thanks.” 

“It’s okay, don’t be embarrassed,” Guildenstern said. “I have a lot of experience with panic attacks and stuff, that’s one of the things I picked up over the years. I don’t remember who taught that to me, but it always seems to work.”

Horatio nodded. After a few moments, he said, “I’m a murderer.”

“You’re not,” Annalise said. “You could never have predicted what happened-”

“But it’s my fault!” He shouted. 

Guildenstern shifted. “Hey, look at me,” Horatio looked at him, “How did you get to France?” 

Horatio frowned, “I don’t know.”

“How did you start the fire?”

“I- I can’t remember.”

“Did you realize that the fire was there before everyone started freaking out?”

“No.”

“Well then, how is it your fault?” Guildenstern looked him right in the eyes.

“I should’ve told them to get out! I saw them, but I didn’t say anything until it was too late!” Horatio said.

“You didn’t know what was going to happen. And you didn’t start the fire. Someone else did. If you had said something, you might have put yourself in danger, because of Laertes, right?”

“Yeah...”

“Then it’s not your fault.” 

Horatio looked down. “I still feel guilty.”

“Yeah, that’s okay. We’re all going to have to get through this together, and try to move on as best as we can. That’s really all you can ask of yourself.” Guildenstern smiled sadly. “But you need to forgive yourself, and it’s okay if it doesn’t happen today. Or anytime soon. But you need to. Right now though, you need to give yourself time to rest. Taking a bullet to the stomach doesn’t heal overnight. The doc said you have to stay about a week and a half. They said Marc could be released after a few days. We’ll take you both home soon and hang at the castle a while. We also have to sort out that whole thing with the police. They want you back in Denmark, and I’m sure we’ll get to see a wonderful screaming match between Hamlet and his uncle.” Guildenstern laughed, as did Ophelia. Horatio smiled. They had seen too many of those.

[metalzombiemiss]

Secret: Epilogue--Lily & Negan

I promised an epilogue for Lily and Negan and after a million years, I finally finished it.  I’m sorry it took so long!  The end of 2018 and all of 2019 were a major mental struggle for me in all aspects.  But it’s 2020 and I’m starting to feel...more like myself.  I’m feeling happier, healthier, and stable.  (Thanks meds and therapy!)  I’m saying all of that to let you know that, as I get more time throughout the year, I’ll be (hopefully) posting more writing, one shots and hopefully, otherwise.  I hope you’ll all accept me back into your fan fiction world and love me like you did before.  Thanks for your patience.  Love you guys. :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, angel,” Lily smiled as she looked down at baby Alexa.  The 6 month old had started standing up in her crib and insisted on waking them up at the crack of dawn every single day.  “You ready for breakfast?”

Alexa gave her a toothless grin and began giggling as she reached her arms up to be picked up.  Lily picked her up quickly and made a small airplane noise.  Alexa giggled louder at the sound.

“I guess that’s a yes!” Lily exclaimed.

They went downstairs and found Negan already sitting at the island in the kitchen having his morning coffee and toast.  

“There are my girls!  She actually fucking slept until the sun was fully up.  Color me impressed!” he said.

Lily walked over and gave him a kiss.  He kissed Alexa on the forehead and gave her a smile.  He placed her in her high chair and entertained her while Lily got her formula ready.  

“Ya know, you’re eventually gonna have to watch your language around her.  Once she starts talking, she’s going to repeat everything you say.  Not the please and thank you but the fuck and the shit and the cunt.  So, like, we should start being more aware of what we’re saying,” she told him, shaking the bottle of formula and grabbing a small jar of baby food from the fridge.

“Oh come on!” he chuckled, “You know it’s hilarious when babies curse!  Especially if they learn to curse like me!”

Lily rolled her eyes and laughed at her soon-to-be husband, “It’s hilarious but we shouldn’t encourage it.  She’s gonna end up with a mouth like mine when she gets older if we curse like that constantly.”

He waved his hand, “Meh!  It’s fine.  She’ll still be just as much of a lady as you are even with the mouth of a sailor.  Isn’t that right baby?”  He cooed at her and smiled wide.  

“You wanna feed her while I get my own breakfast ready?” Lily asked, handing him the baby food and formula.  

He took them and grinned, “You know I’d be happy to!”

She smiled back at him and gave him a little wink.  “Thank you, baby.  I appreciate your help.”

“I would do anything for you.  You know that,” he told her.

“I know,” she replied, “You’ve proven that time and again.  It’s why I’m marrying you tomorrow.”

“Can you believe it?” he asked, wiping the bit of food that had dropped out of Alexa’s mouth.

“That we’re getting married tomorrow?”

“That you actually said yes to me!” he joked.

“That’s a little surprising too,” she said, “Especially since you asked me while I was in labor.  Weirdo.”

“It seemed like the best time.  You were vulnerable so I knew you’d say yes!” He gave her a huge grin as she laughed loudly.

“You son of a bitch!” She smiled, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Lily, you look stunning,” Rick smiled at her with pride in his eyes.

She smiled back, “Thank you for walking me down the aisle, Rick.  It means so much to me.”

“It’s my pleasure.  I think I’m more amazed with the fact that Negan is the groom.  Things have certainly changed since I first locked him up all those years ago.”

“He’s a different man,” Lily said as she placed the veil on her head, “Still has the same mouth but he’s completely different.”

Rick placed his hands on her shoulders as she looked at herself in the mirror, “He’s different because of you.  You changed him.  And now look at him.  He’s a father and he’s about to be a husband.  He’s not the same man he was when I…”

Lily looked up at him through the mirror, “Cut his throat?  No, he’s not.  You did the right thing, Rick.  I promise.”  She rested her hand on his.

“Thank you for coming here, Lily,” he said, “You helped change Alexandria for the better.”

She smiled softly, “Thank you for taking me in.  You gave me a life and a home.  And a husband…”

“Are you ready?” he asked, squeezing her shoulders lightly.

She nodded, “Let’s do this.”

They walked out of the bedroom together and headed down the stairs.  Lily took a deep breath as they turned the staircase to go to the backyard.  She could see purple and silver strewn across the entire yard.  She grabbed the bouquet that Michonne had helped her make and held onto Rick’s arm tightly.  The butterflies in her stomach were dancing wildly as she heard the music begin.  The door opened and she looked up to see Negan in his suit.  She could see the smile growing across his face and the tears forming in his eyes.  She fought back her own tears, smiling back at him.  Lily’s dress glimmered slightly in the sunlight.  She still couldn’t believe Maggie was able to find so many crystals to help make it.  With the help of Maggie, Michonne, and Enid, they managed to create an incredible purple wedding gown.  

“Who gives this young woman away?” Gabriel asked.

“I do,” Rick replied, holding back tears.

Negan smiled and wiped away tears, “You look fucking gorgeous, baby.”

She giggled and felt herself blush, “Stop it…”

“Get used to it,” he grinned.

“Lily and Negan have asked me to keep this short and sweet out of courtesy to all of you since it is still so incredibly hot in the middle of October.  And I can’t say I disagree with them!”  The crowd laughed quietly.  “Many of us knew Negan long before Lily came along and, well, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we never saw this coming.  Lily came to our community half-starved and dehydrated.  We brought her in and gave her a life.  In the process, she gave Negan a life.  She gave Negan more of a purpose.  She gave Negan a heart again.  And now, we have a new family here in Alexandria.  We have an amazing doctor and an incredible carpenter.  We are grateful to have you here.  And we are grateful to see this union occur.  I believe they have their own vows to share.  Lily?”

“When we met, I never thought in a million years I’d ever care for you the way that I do now.  I certainly never thought we would be parents to our beautiful daughter.  You have changed my life in a way I never thought possible.  Thank you for shoving your way in and forcing me to see that I am worthy of love and happiness.  You are the greatest thing to happen to me.  I love you, Negan.”

She could hear the soft sniffles of people crying.

“Negan?” Gabriel said.

“I don’t know where to start, Lily.  I was broken when we met.  I was stuck in a cell because I didn’t know how to be a normal human being.  You showed up and changed everything for me.  You changed me.  You helped me see that I’m more than who I was.  That what I did in the past doesn’t need to define who I am now.  You showed me friendship and most of all, you showed me love.  You showed me that I can love and that I’m allowed to be loved.  Lilith, thank you for giving me a chance to show you love and give you everything that I can.  I love you.”

She fought back her tears as she smiled wide.  

“May I have the rings please?” Gabriel asked.  Carl came up and handed him the wedding bands.  “Negan, do you take Lily as your wife?”

“I do.”

“Lily, do you take Negan as your husband?”

“I do.”

They slid the rings on each other’s fingers.  “I now pronounce you husband and wife.  You may kiss the bride.”

Negan took Lily into his arms and dipped her.  She laughed as he kissed her deeply.  Everyone stood up and began cheering.  He brought her back up to standing and gave her one last kiss.  “I love you,” he whispered.

They practically skipped down the aisle as people continued to clap.  They rushed inside and hugged tightly.  “We’re married!!!” She shouted.

“You’re my fucking wife.  Holy shit!” he picked her up and spun her around.  Her laugh echoed through the hallway.  He set her down and looked into her eyes.  “You’re my wife…”

“And you’re my husband.”  She pulled his head down and kissed him.  Her tongue slowly slipped through his lips.  

He pulled away, “Baby, we got a reception to go to.  Save that energy for later.”

She groaned, “Fiiiiine.  You just look so fucking sexy right now…”

“And I absolutely can’t wait to get this dress off of you.  But we should probably go entertain our guests.”

“Okay, okay,” she kissed him softly, “Let’s go.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------

“That was a great party!” a very drunken Rick came over to the newlyweds and hugged them.

Negan and Lily laughed as they hugged him back.  “Thanks, Ricky-boy!  Glad you had a great time!” Negan, also drunk, pat him on the back.  “Never thought we’d get here, did ya?”

Rick pulled away and smiled, “I sure didn’t, Negan.  I sure fucking didn’t.  But here we are.”

Lily smiled, “I’m glad you finally see what I see, Rick.  People can change if they really want to.”

“They can,” Rick agreed, “Go enjoy your night.  Michonne and I will take good care of the baby.  I promise.”

“Thanks, Rick,” Negan said.  He looked at Lily and smiled, “Well, I’m ready to take my beautiful wife home.”

“Let’s go then.  I’m ready to go home with my handsome husband.”

“Let’s consummate this thing, baby!” Negan picked her up and carried her up to the front door of their home.  Lily tried to stifle her laughter.

As their bodies intertwined in passion, Lily finally let go of everything.  Every worry, every insecurity, every bit of sadness.  Nothing could take away what she had with Negan.  She finally realized that she is worthy of every bit of love he gave her and that she was finally able to actually love someone without walls around her heart.

The End

[onwardintolight]

What did you go to college for and what is your current job/career? Any tips for people starting college? How do you decide what to do with your life?

Hi anon! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to answer your question!

My answer’s going to be complicated, because I have a chronic illness which means that I currently don’t have a career. That being said, I’ll try to answer as best I can!

I got my bachelor’s degree in linguistics. I absolutely LOVED it. I chose it because I loved it; I’ve always been fascinated by languages, and I found linguistics to be equally fascinating, wonderfully challenging, and a whole heck of a lot of fun. I started college declaring a major in letters (a broad degree mostly focused on languages, literature, and classical studies), but as soon as I took Intro to Linguistics fall of my sophomore year, I was hooked for good.

I was never quite sure what I wanted to do with linguistics, but there were many opportunities I could pursue, and I had an idea that maybe I’d eventually go to grad school to farther my options (perhaps studying linguistic anthropology, as I’ve always been really interested in the fight to save endangered languages). But that got put on hold indefinitely because….

Despite my love for linguistics, my main passion was dance, and for years I thought I was destined to be a dance teacher (I tried out teaching a class one year, and it was an incredible experience). You may be wondering, if this was the case, why didn’t I major in dance in college? That was a hard decision, but ultimately, through a lot of prayer and reflection, I felt like continuing to pursue dance with the dance studio I was at at the time was the right place for me to be. I was learning a lot, dancing with a performing troupe, and making some of the best memories, in an environment that was good for my soul.

On the side, during all of this, I was teaching music lessons on the hammered dulcimer, a folk instrument I’ve played since I was eleven, so that was always in the back of my mind as something I could continue to do.

To add another layer to all of this, I got married in college. My husband was studying to be an engineer. Consequently, I didn’t feel a whole lot of pressure to decide on what I was going to do right after college — I would pursue dancing and/or something to do with linguistics, while he would, God-willing, be the main breadwinner.

Naturally, things didn’t go as planned. My husband graduated with his master’s degree right in the middle of the recession, and despite his degree and impressive credentials, he was unable to find employment for a whole year. In the meantime, I picked up a job working in an after-school program, as I’d had experience with kids and teaching. It helped pay the bills, and it was incredibly rewarding, but it wasn’t something I wanted to continue doing as a career. Then my husband got a job in another state, we moved, and I continued my dance training. Eight months later, we moved across the country again after my husband’s job turned out to be a nightmare. I continued dancing in our new home and finally reached a level I was hoping to be at in order to teach again. When we moved back to our home state a year and a half later, I felt ready to jump into teaching dance as a career.

…And then, chronic illness struck. After a long, hard journey, I was eventually diagnosed with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS), an immune disease that causes my body to release inordinate amounts of histamine, giving me random allergic reactions that are miserable and debilitating. One of the many triggers, unfortunately, happens to be exercise, particularly certain types of exercise like dance. I found that I was unable to dance anymore without getting sick, and it was devastating. (My illness has also made it impossible for me to keep a steady job.)

So, I’ve had to let go of my dream of being a dance teacher (I’m more glad than ever now that I didn’t major in dance in college, and focused on getting the experiences I wanted through my studio!). However, in letting go, I’ve found other things my heart is calling me towards. Writing is one of them — I probably never would have found I enjoyed writing fiction if it weren’t for being too sick to dance. I may have also found a way I can jump back into linguistics at home — I’m currently looking into what it would take to learn ancient Akkadian and Sumerian so I can join the effort to translate cuneiform tablets (there are thousands in museums that have never been translated). We’ll see how that goes. And in addition to all of that, I’m hoping to be a mother someday — I’m not sure whether I’ll be a full-time stay-at-home mom yet, but I know that’s a valid choice and I may end up deciding that’s where I want to be.

We’ll see.

So that’s my story so far. Here’s what I’ve learned:

- So much depends on things I don’t know, future possibilities and variables I have no way of seeing right now, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had to learn to just take life as it comes. To take the next step that’s lying there clear before me, trusting that God will make it all go somewhere meaningful and worthwhile.

- My dad has often quoted a commencement speech Steve Jobs gave at Stanford, remarking on what good career advice it had. One of the things he’s relayed to us, over and over, is that life is full of zig-zags. We so often plan our lives in a straight line (this will be my major, this will be my career, this is when I want to get married, etc.), and life rarely works out that way. However, the zig-zags you end up going on can all add up to something incredibly worthwhile. And sometimes it’s only through zig-zagging that you can arrive at a place where you feel like you truly belong or a career that calls you by name. My dad’s a prime example of this — he started out in med school, decided he didn’t want to be a doctor on one of the last days of his exams, walked out, ended up studying geology at a different college, became a high school chemistry teacher, went back to grad school to study history of science, and is now a professor and the curator of an incredible old, rare book collection at a university. His career has zig-zagged all over the place, but each zig and zag have been experiences that have made him who he is and, in the end, led him to where he is now. So don’t be afraid to listen to your heart and try different things. Don’t be afraid to zig-zag.

- Another great quote from my dad: “Don’t be afraid to do badly.” Sometimes failure is the only way we grow and learn and, in the end, succeed. You can’t achieve great things if you aren’t willing to accept the possibility of failure. On a more concrete level, you can’t pass your exam very easily if you’re petrified with anxiety about getting everything perfect. Perfectionism is a curse (one my dad knew his daughters struggled with greatly). Ain’t nobody got time for that!

- Money is overrated. Love and experiences and happiness are not. Don’t ignore the latter in favor of the former. If you have a passion for something, it may be difficult and you may have to work hard, but you can (hopefully) find a way to make it work.

- Ultimately? I don’t know how I would manage any of the twists and turns my life has sent me so far without a whole crap-ton of prayer, faith, love and community. That’s kept me going and kept me hoping, even when I’ve been tempted to give up.

Finally, some advice on starting college:

- It’s overwhelming at first, and that’s okay and normal. You’ll settle in and find your place eventually.

- Introduce yourself to someone else in every class you’re in. Strike up conversations. Be active in making friends. This will 1) potentially result in some good friendships, 2) make you feel less lonely, as college can (especially at first) feel like a very lonely place, and 3) give you someone you can reach out to in case you miss a class and need to exchange notes. I know this is difficult sometimes — I’m an introvert, I hate small talk — but as college went on and I did this more and more, I found it to be incredibly worthwhile.

- Explore! It’s okay to not have a major at first. Try out different classes. See what grabs you, what makes you wonder, what gives you joy.

- Apply for ALL the scholarships you can every year (before the scholarship deadlines roll around — make sure you know when they are). It’s a lot of work, but it can potentially save you from a heck of a lot more work and free you up to focus more on your studies!

- Show up. Be diligent. Yes, you can skip classes occasionally in college, and sometimes that’s really nice (especially if you’re having a really bad physical or mental health day). But definitely don’t make a habit of it, because if you do you won’t do well. In college you have to work on being self-motivated and self-disciplined, even when it’s hard. (And I say this as someone who struggled with depression, and some chronic illness, throughout most of my college years. It’s HARD. But just keep putting one foot in front of the other, as long as you’re able. And learn your limits; when you need to skip a class one day or reach out to a teacher for help or drop a class entirely. Sometimes that’s okay! Persevere hard, but extend yourself grace and forgiveness when you can’t.)

- Take ALL the notes. Seriously, don’t skimp on this. (If you miss a class, get the notes from someone else.) Then, when it’s time to prep for an exam, you can study your notes and be pretty sure you have it all covered. Some professors will let you take notes on your computer (which I like because I can type faster than I write); some won’t. It might help to ask your professor beforehand.

- If you’re struggling with a class, take advantage of your professor’s office hours (or if it’s not quite that dire, talk to them after class). Most professors love it when students do this because it shows you care and that you’re motivated. They really want to help you succeed. 

- And remember, no matter how alone you feel, you are not alone — you have people around you who are struggling too, people around you who care about you, and campus resources if you need them. Reach out. 

That’s all I can think of right now! If anyone else has any additional advice, feel free to chime in! I hope this is helpful, anon, even if my “career path” hasn’t exactly been traditional. I wish you all the best in college! 💜