Covet: Chapter 9 (Part 2 of 2)
Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!Reader
Covet Summary:
Life was good. No, life was great.ย
Was.ย
Until.
Jake Kiszka crashed into the picture.
You welcomed him into your lifeโyour home.ย
Yes, he was your best friendโs twin. But, he was also the one who would end up disrupting your whole world with his attitude, his troubles, and the annoyingly natural way he lured you in.ย
Jake Kiszka came with so much youย reallyย didnโt want.
At least thatโs what you tried to convince yourself.
Warnings: MINORS DNI (18+); angst; fainting; regurgitating profusely; nausea; extreme feelings of stress and anxiety; extreme feelings of sadness; abandonment issues; allusions to a dark, forgotten childhood; therapy; mentions of EMDR therapy; prenatal visits; arguing/raising of voices; heart issues addressed (POTs); use of heart monitors; hemoglobin kits mentioned; emergency room visit and all that might entail (e.r. visit is a longer one, so strap in); revisited, vivid memories of sex; jealousy; body changes as a result of pregnancy; negative self-talk; looooots of baby talk; pregnancy hormones (and this is nothing compared to what's to come - that's all i'll say); reader still being sad while she checks Jake out; oh! and Joshua Michael Kiszka being the perfect angel he is <3 (as usual, PLEASE lmk if i missed anything that is triggering to you!)
Chapter Word Count: 32.6k+ (what the actual-?)
a/n: hi my lovely readers <333 i am deeply apologetic for the time you waited to receive this chapter, but i hope the length (holy fucking shit, btw) will make up for it. i really will try my damndest to not take almost a month next time.....
BUT, as you guys have learned, my chapters are very rarely "short" in length, so you can rest assured i'm quite literally busting ass trying to write the chapters in the near-month span of time between updates. lol <3 (while also doing real-time life w a job and family to tend to every single day)
this story is my baby that has been outlined for months in a google doc and i refuse to release chapters until they're completed with everything i deem necessary to include. i promise it's all for the good of the story and for the ultimate enjoyment of the readers (you!). <3 i'm never purposefully leaving you hangin', babes <3 ily all more than i'll ever be able to properly express. ๐ซถ๐ป
special shout out to my sis for being my go-to beta, ear, advice-giver, helper, AND EVERYTHING IN-BETWEEN when it comes to all of the silly little stories i write. @joshym. you are my favorite. you know that. and i love you. so fucking much. forever the daniel to my samuel :)
and another shoutout to my wonderful pal @welightthefire - GOD, i love you. y'all, this lady has been my main source for all things baby related and i'd be hurting without her help on alllll things baby and pregnancy. <3 babe, you are the bomb and you better KNOW IT.
Please enjoy the playlist as you read ๐ค (fr, i listen to it nonstop when i write this.... all of the songs are pertinent to the story and aid in telling it - either already or eventually.)
Covet Masterlist
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
โThe covetous person is full of fear; and he or she will who lives in fear will ever be a slave.โ
-Horace
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
Your stomach dipped all the way to the heels of your feet, your body feeling a rush of equal parts cold and hot.ย
There were no words spoken for several moments, and almost as soon as youโd said it, Josh had turned to face the front. Jaw clenched tighter than youโd ever seen it, he put the car in drive as his hands wrapped tightly around the wheel โ 10 and 2. His back was ramrod straight and his jaw didnโt stop flexing as you swiveled to sit to look out the windshield alongside him.
Your stomach was churningโ for multiple reasons. On top of the anxiety in the moment, you also hadnโt been eating much as of late. Your appetite was almost nothing โ save for pickles and Cosmic-fucking-Brownies.ย
It had blossomed seemingly out of nowhere.ย
After your night of Mac and Cheese with Jake, you had started borderline craving it afterwardsโalongside the brownies and pickles. But, when youโd made some for yourself, you came to realize, with the first bite to your mouth. . . That Mac and Cheese was no longer your friend.ย
Although, it had made very close friends with the toilet, as youโd bent over it hurling until every last bit of the yellow food deposited in front of your sweaty face.ย ย
Surprisingly, youโd still been hungry after puking. . . but unfortunately, everything else youโd tried to eat either ended up in the toilet or in the trash from the smell alone.ย
And, to your utter demise, Cosmic Brownies had been ruined that day, too. Their contents eventually met the toilet when youโd tried to snack on one that same evening to fill your empty stomach.
Suffice to say, the nausea had started to kick your ass and this particularly tense situation was doing you no favors.
All you could do was steal glances at him, awkwardly, for the thirty or so minutes it took to get to the womenโs clinic. He wasnโt talking at all which was so unlike Josh. Youโd never gone this long being in the same space as him where he wasnโt talking. The man loved to talk. And you loved to listen and engage.
But that was not the energy that was transpiring between you two.
You would have normally put on music to fill the hollow, painfully silent space. But, you couldnโt bring yourself to move, much less put on music that would just add to the discomfort that youโd created with your confession. And, honestly, it felt like you were already making too much noise every time you took a deep breath.ย
Besides stealing the occasional peek at him, you watched the multiple semis that passed you, and the forests that lined the highway, full of leaves with changing colors.ย
And Josh just drove. Just fucking drove. And, even worse, he drove normally. Better than normal, actually. Unlike ever before, he was following the highwayโs speed limit, all while not getting emotional anytime someone pulled an asshole move on the road.ย
He seemed to be putting every bit of his energy into three things: focusing on the road, keeping his jaw clenched tight, and not moving his hands from 10 and 2 unless he had to look over his shoulder to switch lanes.
Once you pulled up to parallel park on a busier street in SoHo, youโd made up your mind to tell Josh to just drive back and that you could hitch a ride with an Uber.ย
You didnโt want to make him feel any more uncomfortable than he apparently already felt.ย
For one, he didnโt need to be here if he didnโt want to be. And secondly, you couldnโt fucking handle any more right now. The whole point of him being with you was because you were already fucking stressed before youโd ever even told him. And at this point, it seemed youโd been correct in your assumption of him being angry.ย
But right now, his reaction didnโt fucking matter. This appointment mattered. Your baby mattered. You needed to be in some sort of decent mind space before you stepped foot into the place. And whether or not that included him was relative to his response when you informed him of this.
You breathed in and out heavily, shutting your eyes as you did so. Once you opened them, you pressed the unlock button on your door, signaling to him that you were ready to get the show on the road. You didnโt have time to fucking sit here and let him sulk.ย
Releasing a deep breath once more, you finally turned to look at him once youโd unbuckled. Then, once facing him, you mustered the firmest tone possible at that moment. โJosh,โ you started, sharply. He blinked slowly and flexed the muscle in his jaw once more before he turned to make eye contact with you.ย
Fuck. His eyes. . . Was he angry? Sad? Indifferent? You couldnโt fucking tell. Youโd never seen him so guarded. God, you shouldnโt have invited him to this. You really had started to hope that he would react more like Elsie and Gia thought he would.ย
But he hadnโt, and you were faced with whatever the fuck this attitude was that he had chosen to wear.ย
Once it was obvious he was going to look at you as you spoke, you continued. โYou donโt have to go in there with me,โ you began, firm yet empathetic. โI wonโt make you. I will go in on my own. I have to. For my own reasons, I have to keep this appointment today. But you donโt have to come in if you would rather not,โ you stated, steady and sure. He was free to fucking leave if he wanted. โYou can fucking leave. I will not make you go in if youโre angry or upset or uncomfortable. Iโll get a damn Uber and you can drive back to the complex to get your car.โ
He seemed to come back to the present, blinking several times and shaking his head. He rubbed one hand down his face, just as Jake did when he would get stressed.ย
The similar reaction made your tummy feel fuzzy and desperate for the security you needed at the moment. You needed someone right now. Even if you were willing to do this on your own (which you were), you could really use his support at the moment.ย
You unlocked the doors once more, making sure they were ready to go before you reached for the handle.ย
Resolutely, you looked over your shoulder before you addressed him once more. โIโm sorry that I made you angrโ.โ
โIโm not angry,โ he finally said softly. After clearing his throat to talk properly again after not talking for so long, he continued. โIโm shocked andโ Iโm just feeling a lot of things,โ he iterated, his eyes begging you to understand. And, you did. โBut I am honored that you wanted me to come with you today,โ he said, his face transforming to once again show you your Josh. He was back. Grabbing your hand, he finished his thought. โAnd I would love to go to this appointment with you.โ
The tears that filled your eyes and trailed down your cheeks one by one couldnโt be helped.ย
โI couldnโt have done this today without you,โ you said, voice cracking with emotion. You popped the glovebox to get a napkin to wipe your face, not looking at him as you kept on. โIโve been so scared for this, and the only personโ besides Elsieโ that I wanted here with me, was you.โ
He reached over to hold your hand, and you tucked the napkin into your lap for backup when you caught his eye again. Before he spoke again, one tear escaped his eye. With one hand lightly squeezing yours, the other dashed up to wipe at the new wetness under his eye.ย
Then, after shaking his head, he raised a curious eyebrow to address you. โWait,โ he said wetly before clearing his throat. โIs this your first appointment?โ
โYes,โ you blinked, a blush skirting over your cheeks. โIโve been in denial of it all until super recently.โ You sniffed, feeling a couple more tears escape your eye at the topic of conversation and finally talking to Josh about it. It was, admittedly, a lot. โIt took me a hot fucking second to come to terms with all of it, so Iโm just now at the first appointment.โ
He nodded, brows still furrowed as he looked down briefly before finding your eyes again. โHow far along are you?โ
โI think Iโm technically like eleven-ish weeks,โ you replied, doing quick math in your head. โI would need to look at my app to give you an exact number. Normally I have it right at the front of my brain, but my nerves are fucking wracked right now,โ you bashfully swept your eyes over your hands, interlocked on the armrest. โFor obvious reasons.โ
You heard him hum and took that as your sign to look at him again. He was watching you carefully, quizzically. His eyes squinted as you, yet again, flushed under his stare.ย
โWhat?!โ You hastily spit out, nervous.ย
โDoes he. . .?โ
Knowing exactly what he was asking, you quickly shut down his train of thought. โJake doesnโt know,โ you informed him, tucking your chin as you quietly repeated yourself. โHe doesnโt know.โ
โAlright,โ he responded, not questioning you in the slightest. Your eyes flashed up to meet his: the color of cocoa and sparkling. โDoes Elsie?โ
Without any words, you gave him a look that answered his pondering thoughts.ย
He chuckled, and you joined him by huffing a little laugh, just under your breath. You felt your cheeks loosen with an easy smile. Your shoulders were relaxing more and more by the second. The familiar, natural sense of joviality with him was settling your frazzled nerves.
You eyed the clock on the dashboard and suddenly realized that you were cutting it very close to your appointment time, with no more than a few minutes to spare before you would be running late.ย
Sensing your sudden shift in mood, he took the keys out of the ignition just as you unlocked the doors once again, and opened yours.ย
โLetโs go inside,โ he encouraged, mimicking your action as he opened his own door behind your turned back.ย
When you were out of the car, and waiting (sort of) patiently on the sidewalk for him, you physically shook out some of the anxiety that had made home in your bones for the last several months.ย
He officially knew that youโd had sex with Jake. He knew that now. And he knew that it had resulted in a baby. He knew enough for now.
And it actually seemed like things were going to be okay. Maybe Elsie had been right all along (though youโd never tell her that).
Your thoughts were affirmed when he came up beside you, pulling you into a hug as soon as he was at your side. A full-on Josh hug: arms wrapped securely around your shoulders. You did your best to hold back tears, so as not to soil his stark white sweatshirt.
Pulling away before you could let any inevitable tears take over, you looked up at him to see his dimple, present in his cheek. You couldnโt help the single tear that trickled down your cheek at the overwhelming feeling of normality. He was warm. He was real. He was Josh.ย
He wrapped an arm around your shoulder, bringing you to him once more before taking your hand in his and wrapping it up tightly.ย
Peeking up at him through wet lashes, you saw his face was still turned up in his signature grin, his eyes, slightly playful as he gave you a knowing look heโd given you a thousand times before.ย
โYouโve got this, mama,โ he reassured with a wink, opening the door to the clinic for you.
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
The place was fucking amazing. The pictures youโd seen on its website hadnโt done it justice at all. The environment was trendy and relaxing and comfortable. Soft music, similar to that of a lullaby played in the open space, only illuminated by the natural light of the day. No overbearing fluorescent bulbs.
Thank God.
As you made your way to the front desk, you decided to let go of Joshโs hand.ย
For some reason, it just felt right to do this on your own. Felt right to make this stride on your own. You could handle the front desk.
โYou go sit down,โ you offered, motioning to the couches that filtered the chic waiting room. โI think I can do this part.โย
โYou sure?โ He asked, brows dipping to show his genuine concern. โIโm with you every step of the way. I mean it.โ
Your eyes drew wet at the words, but you sniffled and cleared the emotion from your throat when you went to grab his arm through the soft white material of his sweatshirt. โI love you so much for that. I canโt even tell you, Josh,โ you told him, a tear escaping despite your efforts. โBut Iโve gotta take this step on my own.โ
He nodded, needing no further explanation. โIโm over here if you need me,โ he threw a thumb at the couches behind him.ย
You watched as he walked to the couch nearest to the front desk, sitting comfortably on the blush pink velvet that covered it. You tipped your head at him once, showing him and yourself that you were starting your trek to the counter.ย
Once there, you were greeted by the kind smile of a woman most likely in her fifties or sixties, her thick black-framed glasses taking up more than half of her face. Her tanned complexion was flawless and her lips were full with red lipstick as she stretched them over perfectly white teeth. Her jet-black hair was half-up, half-down, haphazardly thrown up with a claw clip, but looking flawless nonetheless.ย
She matched the modish aesthetic of the clinic to a T.ย
โHi, babe,โ she cheerily greeted you with an out-of-place Southern accent in SoHo, her voice still low to keep the room quiet. โYou have an appointment today?โ
You froze. The reality of it all suddenly came barreling towards you.
Fuck. Shit. Yes. I do have an appointment today. Iโm pregnant. Iโm standing here, waiting for an appointment because Iโm fucking pregnant.
Dammit. What the fuck?ย Iโm. . .?
You standing here suddenly seemed completely astronomical and unrealโ was this truly what life was for you now? While thinking about it nonstop, youโd also not been thinking about it to the extent that it wouldโve taken for all of this change to click. This was real. Real life.ย
You were carrying a human child.ย
And you were at your first appointment for it.
Goddamn.
Blinking several times, you tried to keep your grounding firm as your eyes traced her features a thousand timesโ searching your suddenly static-filled brain for the most simple word in the English language.ย
โY-y-yโ,โ you shut your eyes tightly to reset. Come on, y/n. Youโve got this. Itโs just one word.ย
But you suddenly werenโt sure if you โhad thisโ. Your hands began to shake uncontrollably at your sides; you wiped them repeatedly on your leggings.ย
But before you could moisten the fabric covering your thighs completely, you went to place them on the counter, touching your current surroundings to center yourself. To hold on to what was real.ย
Gia would be so proud.
But then your brain raced right back to the true reality of it all. The reason you were freaking out in the first place was because of the real you couldnโt escapeโnot that you wanted to, by any means. . .right?! You wanted this. You wanted this.ย
You DO want this, y/n. Deep breaths.
The voice sounded so eerily similar to your therapistโs that it helped you to grasp onto a flicker of stabilization.ย
This reality was not new. Youโd known it was real. You had known there was (probablyโhopefully) a kid in you for the past few weeks. And being in this place didnโt make that anymore different than beforeโ minutes before when youโd stepped through the door of the clinic.ย
Then youโd walked up to the counter and had one simple question asked of you.
You shook your head once more before blinking open your suddenly-wet eyes.ย
But you couldnโt look up from the floor. From your high-top, white Chuck Taylors, now off-white and stained from years of wear.ย
And swirling before your eyes in ways they shouldnโt be from the amount of nerves encapsulating your brain. . . Your stomach was rolling.
All of a sudden, you felt a familiar arm wrap around your trembling shoulders, strongly holding you to his chest to keep you stable. The cologne that came from the person, along with the overwhelming rush of relief that came with his presence was a dead giveaway for your new company.
Everything settled.
โYes,โ Josh stated, clearly, for you. โYes, itโs her first appointment. Y/n? Y/l/n?โ
A couple of beats and a few clicks from a mouse followed his words. Then you heard a clipboard clack lightly against the counter and a pen getting clicked open before she sat it on top of the board.ย
โWhenever sheโs ready,โ her voice assuredly spoke, so soft and warm. โIโll get yโall back there when the time feels right.โ
Youโd effectively curled tighter into Josh before you looked back up at the sweet lady, meeting her eyes with embarrassment laced through every feature on your face. The muscles in your jaw relaxed when you met her eyes, finally speaking.ย
โThank you,โ you muttered. โIโm so sorry.โ
She tilted her head at you, sending an understanding wink your way. โNo need to apologize, sweet pea,โ she calmly hushed, her voice sounding reminiscent of any old Southern woman youโd ever seen in a movie. โItโs a whole lot to deal with. We get it.โ
Your lips quivered up into a small smile, eyes watery. โThat means a lot,โ you sputtered, fresh tears making their way to your jaw.ย
Dear fucking God. The tears had to stop at some point. Youโd always been a crier, but these motherfucking hormones were just bringing out the absolute most. Pulling out all of the stops. Your emotions, pre-pregnancy, were already shaky, at best. . . and they were apparently just getting progressively worse with the damned baby hormones.
The anxiety was understandable. But the crying? It was almost nonstop. And it was getting old already.ย
Though, you knewโyou knewโthat it wasnโt even fucking close to being over. If everything today went accordingly and you officially found out there was a whole ass baby growing inside of you, you knew that this spike in emotions was only the beginning.ย
Sharing one more smile with the lady behind the desk, you walked with Josh back to the waiting room couch heโd been occupying prior to your blessed meltdown.ย
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
Unashamedly, you let Josh fill out all of the paperwork. You were still tense and uneasy, but the way youโd handled answering the questions, with him right by your side helped more than youโd intended it to. The process had just been an easy ebb and flow, answering basic questions about yourself.ย
And questions about Jakeโbut Josh answered those with zero problems. Basic Father-Of-The-Child shit that Josh could ramble off in his sleep. You couldnโt help peering over his shoulder as he answered those. You couldnโt explain the intrigueโ you just thought it funny seeing him answer questions about his twin. . . Like it was nothing.ย
Then came questions about your menstrual cycle. Which were not your favorite to have Josh write the answers toโ but you didnโt want to put pen to paper, so you continued to let him write even those, too.
The rest of the process went easily. Heโd rattle off a question, and youโd answer it. That was how itโd gone for roughly thirty minutes.ย
Heโd clicked his tongue, drawing a line down the section about past pregnancies. And then heโd come to a question that made him give you a look. He had one eyebrow raised as soon as heโd read through the last question.ย
The last question. The last question that had been slightly unwelcome and less than wonderful to have him fill in for you.ย
You didnโt know why you hadnโt thought of it being on the sheet. Your mind had been too focused on other things for the past several days. Like hopelessly depressing scenarios involving your babyโs wellbeing and telling people and eating fucking pickles. . . you just hadnโt really given much weight to possible questions on this initial patient questionnaire.ย
You pulled your body back slightly, your own face morphing to one that mirrored his. โWhat?โ
โThe last questionโ they want to know if youโre sexuallyโ,โ he cleared his throat, shaking his head once before before continuing. โIf youโre sexually active.โ
You blushed deep crimsonโyour cheeks, flaming hot. You knew exactly where his mind went because it was where yours went with the question.ย
Are you still having sex with Jake?
You coughed briefly, clearing the awkward air before you responded. โNo,โ you divulged, your eyes flitting up to his: big, wondering and deep chocolate. โNo. Weโre notโ fuck. Iโm not. Iโm not having sex. I donโt know if he is,โ you rambled, bringing a hand up to slap your forehead. Your heart rate even accelerated the slightest bit, hurting your chest. What in the fuck? That's unnecessary. Itโs one question, y/n. Quit being nervousโthereโs no need. โButโIโm not having sex. Not sexually active, no.โ
Josh brought your hand away from your head, which was suddenly breaking out in a cold sweat. You found his eyes: open and willing to listen and understand. Your heart rate slowed considerably at his expression. โItโs okay, y/n. Either way, I donโt care. Itโs your life.โ
You blinked away more tearsโgod, fuck. Not trusting yourself to speak, you simply nodded in response. The response was what youโd needed to hear from the beginning. Would things be different if youโd heard those words from him at the beginning of all of this?ย
It was no use to imagine. You hadnโt heard his affirmation before now, and at this point, it was officially too late. Youโd hurt Jake. Jake had moved on and proved to you that you really werenโt that important to him.
And, the sad truth: even if Josh was okay with it, you had plenty more reasons to keep your title with Jake strictly roommateโfriend at most.ย
Also, officially, the mother of his child.
Clasping your hands over your tummy, you watched as he checked the โnoโ box. Then, you watched his eyes scan the sheet quickly to check for any missed questions, clicking his tongue against his teeth all the while.
Thankfully, it seemed youโd successfully answered all of them when he got up to walk the sheet back to the counter for you, where a nurse now occupied the seat, youโd observed.ย Scrubs, making that apparent.
You had been too busy spacing out on the many questions Josh had asked of you, per the sheets. You hadnโt the mind to pay attention to where the receptionist had gone.
Josh came back over to you shortly to get your driverโs license from you, along with your insurance card.ย
โTheyโll need these on file,โ he said, flashing both at you once youโd given them to him. He brought them back after theyโd scanned them into the system, but went up to the counter to answer any questions they may've had as you waited on the couch.ย
He was seriously the best. You, proving to be completely useless, didnโt hinder him from being the most incredible friend whilst you sat, doing nothing.ย
Before too long, once (you assumed) the general information from the sheet had been entered in the system, you heard your name called from the door to the side of the desk, and you were steadily ushered to the back by a nurse. (With Josh in tow, of course. He wasnโt going anywhere.)
โNice day outside?โ The young nurse, blonde hair pulled into a sleek ponytail, asked politely, as you stepped off the scale sheโd weighed you on.ย
โYeah,โ you responded, glancing over your shoulder at Josh. โNice fall day. But a little warmer than we like it, huh, Josh?โ
He nodded enthusiastically. โOh, yes,โ he responded. โDefinitely not enjoying my choice of clothing today. . . Not the day for a sweater, Iโll say.โ
The nurse hummed, taking in the information as she grabbed a cup from the counter with your first initial and last name on it. โHow long have you guys been together?โ She addressed you once with a smile, looking between the two of you with a twinkle in her eye.ย
You didnโt mean to squawk with a laugh.ย
But thankfully you didnโt have to worry about it because Josh did, too.ย
The laugh was, once again, exactly what you needed to calm you down. Your shoulders, still releasing their tension from earlier, became more and more relaxed with each giggle you released. Josh was holding his mouth and shaking his head, his smiling eyes closed while you answered the question.ย
โWeโre not together,โ you explained, the laughter dying down as you caught the nurseโs wide eyes sympathetically. โHeโs my best friend. Dating my sister, actually.โ
โOh,โ she grinned shakily, eyes jumping back and forth between the two of you. โYou both justโheโs here with you todayโand you two just seem to fit so well together.โ
You smirked, throwing a sideways glance at Josh who was watching the woman with the same sympathetic gaze as you. He mustโve sensed your staring, though, because he quickly threw a look your way.ย
He winked at you before adding in his two cents. โI mean, you werenโt wrong. We do mesh incredibly well, but her sisterโs had my heart for a helluva a long time. However, I am the uncle,โ he informed her, pointing to himself before throwing the same pointer at your tummy.ย
It made your heart flutter a thousand beats per minute at hearing him say, for the first time, that heโs the uncle. Josh being bound by blood to the little bean growing within you is another reason you feel assured in your decision to keep it. Itโs part of Jake, and part of your closest confidant (aside from Elsie) for years. Youโve obviously thought about it plenty of times before now, but finally hearing Josh acknowledge it was something your heart desperately needed.
โMy brother is the father. Iโm just her best friendโdonโt know what he is to her, though," he finished.
Your eyes widened as you were still getting used to hearing Jake being referred to as the father out loud. . .
Better get fucking used to it, thoughโnothing you could do about it.ย
You also werenโt sure what to make of Joshโs last statementโwas he still upset with you that he didnโt know anything about Jakeโs role in your life? The inflection in his tone sounded a bit more sneering than you would have liked.
Whenever she spoke next, you were able to snap out of it, recovering quickly.
โWhoa,โ she said, blowing out a breath. โThatโs. . . wow.โ Shaking her head, she looked at the cup in her hand, handing it over to you before she continued. She seemed to be done with the conversation, and ready to get back to the task at hand. โEvery woman that comes in for her first appointment gets her blood drawn and urinates in a cup,โ she motions to the plastic container sheโd handed over to you, then taps at her arm as she watches you carefully for her next spiel. โWe draw the blood so we can use it to identify your blood type and to look for other conditions we may have to monitor or treat during your pregnancy.โ
Damn. That was a hell ton of information. What do I even make of all of that?
It was your turn to just stare blankly at her and offer a simple okay before she was pointing to the room with the open door, across the hallway, for Josh.
โYou can wait in that room for her,โ she stretched a little half smile over her delicate features. โShe will be there shortly.โ
He gave you two thumbs up and a reassuring grin before going in the direction sheโd told him. Then she was leading you to the nearest bathroom so you could pee in your fucking cup. After giving you a few instructions, along with a sterile wipe, and informing you on how to get an uncontaminated urine sample, she was letting you in to the single-person restroom.ย
It definitely matched the trendy environment of the rest of the clinic and was cleaner than probably any other public restroom youโd ever been inside. You did exactly as sheโd instructed and made your business quick before handing off the sample to the same nurse from before. She sat it in a window where someone behind immediately grabbed it.ย
โGoing off to the lab,โ she half-smiled, but quickly tipped her finger to signal you to follow her further down the hallway. โNow Iโm going to draw some blood real fast, and then youโll be free to go wait for the doctor in your room.โ
Sitting in a chair in a room towards the back, a couple of other nurses went about their business as your nurse cleaned your arm, using a cotton ball with her now-gloved hands.ย
โDoes getting your blood drawn freak you out?โ She apprehensively questioned before she went to insert the needle. โOr these?โ She wiggled the needle in the air to emphasize.
You shook your head, pursing your lips. โFor some reason, those are two things Iโm totally fine with,โ you spoke, your voice tilting up at the end. โI donโt know why they donโt freak me outโeverything else fucking does.โ
God, shut the fuck up, y/n. Let her do her job.
The blonde gave you an odd look, as if youโd spoken too much for her taste.ย
And that pissed you off. You no longer felt bad for talking too much.ย
You fucking asked me, bitch.
Thankfully, you were able to get rid of her in minutes-time. As soon as sheโd bandaged your arm over a cotton ball, she pointed you to the room sheโd sent Josh.ย
โThanks,โ you mumbled with a small, semi-annoyed smile before making your way to the room where Josh waited.ย
His eyes were huge when you made your way into the small exam room.ย
โHoly shit,โ he breathed. โYouโve got it cut the fuck out for you, huh?โ
You gave him a look that said Seriously? and rolled your eyes. โDuh, Josh,โ you replied, taking in the small room with pretty pictures of babies all over the walls. โI kind of already knew that. Since I am the one carrying the fuckinโ baby and all.โ
God, that was harsh, y/n. He doesnโt deserve your anger like that.
Both of his hands went up to guard him as he crossed one leg over the other. โJesus, y/n,โ he sighed, eyes huge. โGive me a damn break. I didnโt even know until today that you were pregnant. Didn't fully know any of it. Itโs a lot for a guy, I guess.โ
โDamn, Iโm so sorry that itโs so much for you as a man, Josh,โ you scowled, your voice not hiding any of your irritation with him for his last comment.ย
Seriously, y/n?
To be fair, as amazing as Josh truly was, he was still a manโ and half of the time men didnโt know their heads from their assholes. Didnโt ever know the proper times to say stupid shit. (Or, to not say it at all.)ย
You had to put it in perspective, though . . .because you kind of sucked at saying ridiculous shit, too. So you could only get so angry with him.
โThat was a stupid thing to say,โ he admitted. โSorry.โ
You tried to laugh it off. You didnโt want there to be unnecessary tension right nowโit was the very last thing you needed. โItโs fine,โ you encouraged.ย
You propped yourself to sit the best you could on the edge of the beige-matted table. The thin paper that covered it crinkled underneath youโ made you feel like you were making way too much noise for the tiny room.
โIโm sorry for being short. I need you. For multiple reasons. But right now. . .I just need you to be with me when I find out if this bean actually exists in my loins. . . If Iโve been imagining it the whole fucking time, or if Iโve lost it. . .,โ you swallowed. You had to blink back the tears gathering in your eyes as you trailed off at the dreaded possibility. โI just need you to see with me if thereโs anything sad to be seen,โ you added, voice suddenly wet.ย
โHey,โ Josh spoke, softly. โLook at me.โ
You swiveled to do as he said. The attempt to not cry was useless. The tears were drenching your cheeks. The fear that had settled so deeply in your bones since the day youโd heard that podcast was coming to light, as youโd just uttered the worries aloud for the first time.ย
Barely seeing Josh through the wetness that clouded your vision, you replied the best you could, albeit extremely pathetically. โYeah?โย
โWhy are you worried about those things?โ He asked, so quietly, eyes gleaming to bring light. Grabbing your hands, his eyes became suspicious slits when he addressed his next question. โY/n. . . Have you given yourself any time to feel excited about this appointment? Or have you just focused on the anxiety youโve built up, surrounding today?โ
You bowed your head out of embarrassment. โIโve been excited, Josh. . .,โ you muttered, completely aware of the lie.ย
โMmm,โ he responded, rubbing his chin with one hand as the other still grasped both of yours, sure and comforting. โI suspect thatโs untrue. . . I know you, my love.โ
Gasping on a sob, you closed your eyes to stop crying, covering your face with your hands. โIโm sorry.โ
โHey, hey, hey,โ he said, squeezing your hands, down and away from your face. He held them still with one of his own, the other helping to slide his chair closer to you. โDonโt you dare be sorry, mamaโ thereโs no reason. This is just the beginning; youโve got plenty more opportunities to be excited. . . Iโm sure plenty of women get worried before this first appointment. Thereโs a lot up in the air before the first time you see the little thing on the screen.โ
You opened your eyes to look at him. And though they were still wet, nothing else was coming from your ductsโ thank god. โYeah?โ You asked, desperate to know he actually might understand, tone begging him to tell you youโre not crazy. โYou think?โ
He nodded with his lips pursed, his new mustache squiggly with the action; his brows, tied together, and eyes, serious. โOh, yes. I know it. You are not alone, love,โ he reassured you, helping your heart rate slow to normal for the millionth time that day. โBut thatโs why I hope every single one of those women has a person who is there for them on days like today.โ He paused, setting his eyes firmly on you before continuing. โBecause, today, we are going to discover and conquer whatever we find out from that screenโ,โ he tilted his forehead toward the monitor screen, โTogether.โ
Your eyes welled, lip sticking out with a pout. God, you loved him. You truly couldnโt have done today without him. โI really need a hug from you.โย
Without question, he was up and out of his seat, wrapping his arms snugly around you. You tucked your nose into his neck, breathing in his cologneโ the familiar smell of his patchouli exactly what you needed to feel secure in the moment.ย
You were busy focusing on his breathing, in and out, in and out, when the door received a knock and creaked open behind his back. He mustโve heard, too, and moved away from hugging you and back to his seat as you both watched for the doctor to walk through the door.
But the only person you saw was. . . the receptionist? What was she doing inโ?ย
โIโm Dr. Rose,โ the beautiful ladyโwho was a doctor apparently, not a receptionistโgreeted you with that same, thick Southern accent. โItโs nice to see you doinโ better since I last saw ya, babygirl.โ
You blinked several times, feeling immediately at ease with the familiar face. โYouโre a doctor? Not a receptionist?โ
God, stupid, y/n. Duh. She just said that, you moron.
She chuckled. โYes maโam,โ she replied, as she clicked on every button on the monitor needed to complete the appointment. Afterwards, as things whirred to life, she went to open the laptop sheโd carried in with her, sitting atop the counter. โIโm your doctor, sweet cakes,โ she twanged in her western tone. โIโll be with yโall until the very end of this wonderful journey we call pregnancy.โ
You grinned, appreciative of the fact that you were already familiar with herโeven if it was from the tiniest interaction earlier. But you couldnโt hold onto that feeling for too long before you got nervous of the impression youโd made earlier with your anxiety attack (or whatever the hell thatโd been).ย
With concerned brows, you cleared your throat before offering up some words of your own. โIโm so sorry that the first time you met me I was acting like a basket case,โ you apologized, extremely self conscious. Crossing your legs tighter, you tucked a lock of hair behind your ear. When that still hadnโt been enough to contain the nervous energy, you let your hands rest on your belly.ย
Tapping away at the small bump, skin tight under your sweater, you waited for her response.ย
She gave you a look that immediately eased you. Her brow, raised, and beautiful red lips quirked up in a small grin. โNow, little missy, I told you earlier that we get it and I meant it.โ Dr. Rose sat on her rolling stool, wheeling over to the table. And once there, extended it to be higher so she could talk better with you closer to eye level. โYou are not the first one to get all nervous at your first prenatal appointmentโor any OB appointment at allโ and youโre certainly not the lastโfar, far from it,โ she smiled wide, close-lipped and completely empathetic. Her deep set, big, brown eyesโ lashes so long and curled to perfectionโ showed you how much she cared, behind her big black frames. โNow, how about we get to the good stuff?โ
There were obviously a couple tears dripping down your cheek, and you pushed them away as you nodded. Your tummy did all of the flips and tosses and turnsโyour skin was practically buzzing with nerves.ย
You were so close to seeing the truth.
Facing this head on.
โGo ahead and lay back for me,โ she instructed. You did as you were told, bending an arm behind your head, trying to get comfortable in skin that felt restrictive. As she stood up, clicking a few buttons to get the monitor screen situated, she asked some questions. โNow can you give me a small debrief on your health history? Anything you can think of? Donโt worry about digging too, too deep right now. We have your blood samples and urine sample that will also aid in indicating any abnormalities.โ
The word abnormalities wasnโt your favorite thing to hear, but you didnโt let it sit tight in your brain as you pondered anything she might need to know.ย
โUm,โ you dipped into the more current issues youโd faced. โI guess. . . anxiety? Depression? Do those count?โย
Dr. Rose hummed in approval and gave a small grin as she went to get a few materials from the cabinet.
โI think the anxiety is worse than the depression, but theyโre both persistently just. . . there,โ you contemplated what else. . . nothing much was coming to your mind. โI also got my tonsils taken out when I was like 12 years old. . .?โ
โYou say that as a question,โ she commented, a lilt in her voice and a smile on her face, showing that she found it funny.ย
โI did have them taken out,โ you huffed a laugh, rolling your eyes at yourself as you pushed back a few strands of hair that had fallen out from behind your ear. โIโm just kind of. . .blanking. I know thereโs more, but Iโm justโjust fucking nervous.โ
โThatโs understandable, sweetie pie,โ she assured, her thick Southern accent making your heart rate settle just a bit.
โI know Iโm probably missing a few things. Like, there are parts of my childhood that are hazy at best, so there might be things buried back there that I canโt tell you today,โ you informed carefully, hoping she understood. When she nodded, you took that as your sign to continue. โIโm seeing a therapist right now who is actually helping me dig up some of it, so I might have a few more answers for you next visit.โ
There was a moment of silence as Dr. Rose continued to prepare the sonogram machine, the obnoxious clacking of keys and buttons covering the dull electrical hum that surrounded you.ย However, that singular moment of time seemed to carry on and on as the nerves in your body seemed to twist your gut to the point that your organs felt close to pushing out of your belly button.
It was as if simply mentioning your mental health โ and whispering of your past โ was enough to send you into a mini spiral. The muted lull of the clinic didnโt help anything. . . the almost soundless environment, wrapping you up in its emptiness and choking you.
Tap, tap . . .ย Tap, tap . . .ย Tap, tap . . .
You tried to focus on the thrum of your fingertips along the tender skin of your swollen abdomen, hoping and praying it would keep your thoughts at bay.ย ย
She was taking a long fucking timeโwhich you were sure was normal and warranted.ย
But, God. The room just started feeling smaller and smaller as the thoughts got bigger and bigger. You were in the room that was about to tell you the truth of the matter and you still seemed so far away from finding out. . . You werenโt sure what to think.ย
Were you even ready to see what the ultrasound was about to show you?
Josh must have noticed the nervous energy you were exuding as the stoppers on the legs of the chair made a sharp scraping noise against the sterile linoleum tile, making you cringe the tiniest bit. He moved his chair closer to the side of the table next to you, opposite of where Dr. Rose sat on the other side.ย His dark eyes made contact with yours and his brow raised as if to say, โare you okay?โ.
All you could manage to do was nod in response, brows knitted.
โAlrighty, Iโm going to put some of this gel on your belly and then youโll feel a bit of pressure once we start.โ
You were half expecting a chill to make you jolt with the application of the thick gel, much like you'd seen in movies - you know, where itโs freezing cold and uncomfortable - but as it fell against your skin, you were surprised to be met with a warm temperature that relaxed you.ย The clean scent of the gel overpowered your nostrils, but not in a bad way.ย It gave you something else to focus on as a slight pressure from the head of the wand, came to push lightly against your belly, just above your pelvic bone.
The black and white image appeared on the screen and. . . showed you nothing.ย
Nothing.ย
Emptiness. Empty stomach.
Amidst the gray static on the screen, there was nothing but a big black spot that resembled a the shape of a bean.ย You had to force yourself to look away, an all-too familiar stinging feeling in the corner of your eyes, showing up again.
All this time, the acceptance of your pregnancy and the effort and hard work youโd put in to create a better life for yourself (and this part of him inside you). . . had shown to be completely pointless.ย The feeling of hope that you'd begun to welcome into your life was on the brink of shattering and it didnโt help that Dr. Rose wasnโt saying anything. . . wasnโt doing anything aside from sliding the wand against your empty stomach.
God fucking dammit. All of your worst fears were coming to fruition and every moment you stared at the bleak screen you felt the emptiness on the screen envelop your heart untilโ.
Thump thump.
You felt your breath catch in your throat as Josh gently grabbed onto your arm, reassuring, and pointed at the screen above you. On the screen, displayed clear as day right in front of you, was the outline of a babyโs delicate profile.
The soft curve of its forehead, the splotchy spikes of a tell-tale spine, a little belly, the slightest movement of four tiny limbs protruding from the sides and bottom. . . and the tiniest flicker in the center of it all.
You couldnโt tear your gaze away as Dr. Rose started to press more buttons and a bunch of small dotted yellow lines showed over the image of your baby, measuring from point A to point B. She was speaking, but you couldnโt be bothered to listen to the words she was saying. All you cared about was the miniscule movements on the screen as a leg kicked up or an arm pushed out.ย ย
It was beautiful, striking, amazing, wonderful, unbelievable, and real. . . so very real.
What you had found yourself questioning for weeks wasnโt just a thought, but now cemented reality. The concerns you had and the voice in your head doubting you were silenced to nothing - because the life growing inside you, the product of you and Jake, was right in front of you.ย ย
The product of the best night of your life was finally proven to be the best part of you and it was real.
Thump thump.
The steady sound of a little racing heartbeat drew you back to the present and to the words your doctor was saying to you.
โProfile looks darn good, placenta is anterior, thereโs the umbilical cord. . .,โ She spoke as she pointed with her finger to each shape of white that was mixed into the static. โHeartbeat is 160, thereโs the bladder and the kidneys, oh!โ Dr. Rose exclaimed with a chuckle as she seemed to record a movement. Upon playing it back in front of you, she explained the movement as a little hand with five fingers moved up towards a space by the babyโs nose. โThe little angel is wavin' at you, mama,โ she looked down at you with a knowing smile.ย
Your heart swelled more than youโd ever felt in your entire life. This was . . . otherworldly. Absolutely earth-shattering. There were not any words you could string together that would do this moment justice.
โWow,โ you muttered, voice officially clogged with the tears that relentlessly poured down your cheeks. You sniffled. โItโs. . . moving?โ
โSure is,โ she winked. โHas been for a while. You have an especially active little one โ already. Prepare for some monster kicks here in a couple months, mama.โ
โWow,โ you repeated.
โGets it from their uncle,โJosh said, sniffling behind you.
You smiled over at him. You felt the joy he did. All around. More. This was your baby. Yours and Jakeโs. God.
โExciting, huh, babe?โ She asked knowingly.ย
All you could do was nod. You werenโt sure you could stop smiling. . . it was hurting your cheeks, but you welcomed it. This was. . . this was everything. Everything you could have ever wished for.
โI know it, honey bun,โ she agreed, her red lips perked with joy for you. โAlso, according to the size of the baby and the start date of your last menstrual cycle, I would say you are at right about 12 weeks, little missy.โ
Once sheโd confirmed the gestational age, you saw her scoot the cart back a bit and wipe the wand sheโd used with a sterile wipe, putting it back in its slot. Then, she cleaned your belly of any leftover jelly. You just watched from where you were still leaned back, head resting on one arm behind it. She stripped her gloves and tossed them in the nearest waste bin.
โTwelve weeks. Yep,โ you breathed, pulling your shirt down. Your cheeks lifted even more at officially knowing (relatively) how old your little bean was. โBased on my last period.โ
โYes. Because, oddly enough, that is technically when the pregnancy started,โ she explained. โOn the first date of your last menstrual cycle.โ
Dr. Rose went to grab a packet, a pamphlet, and a few free-flying papers, all paper-clipped together, from the counter. You sat up as she clicked her way back to you on her stilettos. She kept talking as she handed them to you. โI donโt wanna clog up our time today with all of the technicalities โ unless thatโs what ya want?โ She offered.ย
You shook your head no. Today, all youโd come in wanting to know was that your baby was alive. And you knew that now. And fuck, it felt nice. Better than.ย
Except . . .
โIs the baby healthy?โ You asked worriedly, needing to hear her tell you.
โPositively. One hundred percent, mama,โ she confirmed, her teeth sparkling behind her red lips. โFrom what I could see on the scan, youโve got a perfectly healthy baby squirminโ around in there.โ
You internally and externally let out a sigh of relief that had needed released for a fat second. The baby was okay. Healthy. Moving. Alive.ย
Everything was going to be alright.
You looked down at Josh, his face glowing, cheeks glistening with tears. โIโm so proud of you,โ he choked.ย
Another tear slipped down his cheek as you felt one well in your eye. You didnโt know why he was proud of you, but the words made your emotions spike. You were proud of the little life inside of you. . . already doing its best to live its best life.
โBack to what I was sayinโ before,โ Dr. Rose went on. Your eyes found her, clicking off the machine. โIn that paperwork youโll find all of the technicalities and logistics about the pregnancy. Which vitamins you should take. Prenatals our clinic suggests. Recommended foods to eat. The babyโs size week by week. When I say everything, sweetie, I mean ev-er-ything,โ she emphasized in her twang. โYou can find the same information on our clinicโs website. There is a help tab on there for our mothers-to-be, but I always provide physical copies for my girls. I also recommend downloading at least one pregnancy tracker app to get notified with updates โ itโs just convenient and fun.โ
โI downloaded one recently, actually. Itโs been amazing. Thank you for everything,โ you weakly offered. You also had to know. . . โWill you be the one delivering the baby?โ
โSure thing,โ she affirmed. โWith ya till ya want rid of me. Speaking of that day, our partnering hospital is Cedars-Sinai, so that is where youโll end up having the baby,โ she paused, bringing her eyes to you. โSince you indicated on the form that you would prefer a planned hospital birth over a planned home birth.โ
โCorrect. Hospital birth for me,โ you affirmed.
โNow, we are going to schedule your next appointment for four weeks from now,โ she continued, opening her tablet and typing out the information for her calendar, presumably. โHow does December 8th sound, honey bun?โ
You didnโt check your calendar, because you would make that day okay. Anything you needed to do to make it happen. โSounds perfect,โ you replied, practically jittering with excitement for the next one. โWhen will I find out the gender?โ
โI always have my girls wait until week 18,โ she responded, turning buttons off on the machine before scooting it back where it had started. โSo, when you come in for your next appointment, we will actually have ya schedule an extra lil appointment in there to see what our little buddy is in there.โ
โGot it,โ you told her.ย
โYour sonogram pictures will be waitinโ at the front desk for ya,โ she said, washing her hands. Then, after she dried them, she grabbed her laptop. โAnd finally, your due date isโat this point, according to what we knowโMay 23rd.โ
The date was suddenly the most important youโd ever heard.ย
It was the day you now felt youโd been waiting for your entire life.
Without ever knowing it.ย
This baby was already changing your heart for the better and everyday, it seemed like all the little (alive and moving) bundle of hope did was bring you unadulterated joy.ย
The most precious gift that youโd made with someone so precious to you.
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
Once youโd finished the appointment, Josh had asked if you had any plans. And when youโd said no, he ended up driving you both to a cute little cafe he'd heard about in SoHo. A place that, even from the outside, oozed with a charming aesthetic.ย
The two of you sat there, pointing out every single detail of the sonogram pictures, ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the tiny feet, tiny hands, and the itty bitty, adorable body that belonged to your baby. . . You had never seen something so beautiful. You were sure of it.
And after that, youโd taken some time to catch up. Youโd talked about him and Elsie, Elsie and her travels, and the fact that youโd started going to therapy. (Next to the baby, he was most excited about this.)
All youโd ordered was a Sprite since you werenโt feeling the most hungry as of late. Josh had followed in your lead and only ordered drinks as well. Honey tea and a glass of water. Heโd made sure to tell the waitress to grab you a water, too.ย
And after a quick trip to the bathroom to relieve your ever-aching bladder, you were back at the table.ย
Back at a table where Josh was giving you a look. His eyes were narrowed, a mischievous grin turning his lips up to show a dimple in his cheek.
Just as youโd sat down, the waitress was bringing Josh a new, piping hot tea, since he'd (apparently) already finished the first.ย
And then, as soon as she was gone, he was talking.
โI sort of had a weird inkling of something going on. . .,โ Josh noted as he stirred, then took a long swig of his tea, steam still emitting from the top. โGoddammit!โ He gasped, a pained expression painting his features, as he coughed over the warm temperature of the beverage. โHot hot hot hot,โ he repeated to himself, finding his ice water and taking an even longer swig.
You couldnโt help the burst of laughter that bloomed in your chest, flying past your lips as he continued to down the water. All you got in response was him flipping you off with one long digit, and a wrinkle, knitting his brow.
The sinking feeling in your stomach couldnโt be ignored, though. . . youโd heard what he initially said. How had he known? God. . . how long? Your mind was a frenzy as you forced yourself to stop laughing to focus on the serious subject matter at hand.
โHow?โ
โWell, y/n,โ he replied smartly, motioning to the cup. โIt just came from the pot, Iโm sure. Donโt you see the damned thing is steaming? Why did I even take aโ?โ
โNo,โ you stopped his rambling to clarify your question. โHow did you . . .? Did you seriously know?โ As you were still air-quoting the last few words, he was already nodding his head to answer you. โHow? Why? What did we do wrong? I-I mean- God. Do Sam and Danny know, too?โ
โNow, I didnโt say I knew,โ he corrected you, feeling at the sides of the mug to test the temperature. And, yet again, he was met with the scorching temperature, thus hissing and placing his hands around the plastic of the water cup. โIn essence, I said I had an idea. And you didnโt do anything wrong. I justโ heโs my fucking twin, y/n,โ he set you with a stare that said โRemember?! Canโt fool me!โ, before he continued. โAnd where youโre concerned. . . I know you very well. Youโve been my best friend for several years. . ." he reminded you. "Oh, and Iโm also a fucking empath. Which you, my dear, were the first one to ever point out my empathic tendencies. . .,โ he winked at you with a grin on his full lips. โYou shouldโve known you couldnโt keep that shit from me. Not without me getting suspicious as hell.โ
โAre you mad?โ
He stuck his lip out, looking down at the tea, running his finger tip along the rim of the mug before he wrapped his hands around it again. Apparently not at a burning temperature anymore, he decided to bring the cup up to his lips, pinky up as he gripped the handle. This time, he closed his eyes in relief at the taste of the honeyed tea on his tongue. When he placed it back down, he continued watching it, lips still pushed out in a pout as he shook his head, brow wrinkled.
โNah,โ was all he supplied, his eyes hyper focused on the white ceramic mug.
Of course, you were not convinced. โJosh. Look at me.โ
When his eyes slowly slid up to find yours, you found at least one reason he hadnโt been looking at you. There were wet pools accumulating in the ducts of his deep brown eyes. He breathed in deeply, his chest expanding with the giant breath before he blew it out, a lone tear making its way down his cheek.ย
โIโ,โ he started, shaking his head and messing with the front of his curly mop of hair. He dropped his hand to tap against the table. โItโs not that Iโm mad. Itโs really hard to make me mad. Iโm more mad at Jake. He makes me mad very easily when he wants. Because I know he can do better. . . Like starting this with you and not having the balls to see it through and leaving you with a baby in your belly.โ It was as if the steam had been transferred from his cup to his ears, his nostrils were flaring as he shook his head and squinted his eyes shut.ย
Damn, he and Jake look very similar when they get angry, you suddenly discovered.
โAnd now, heโs just been fucking Maya while youโve had to deal withโ.โ
The tears came instantly. Your vision was blurry before you were even able to process that the tears were there.ย
โOh my god, y/n. Iโm soโ fuck. Iโm sorry,โ Josh tried, his tone willing you to hear him out.ย
You blinked furiously, covering your eyes with one hand. But, finding it useless to try to hide the tears, you just let them fall freely as you now took deep breaths, your eyes piercing through the window of the cafe. โCan we please notโ?โ
โY-yeah, Goddammit,โ he nervously fluffed the front of his hair. โY/n, please look at me.โ
Forcing your eyes away from the clear autumn sky, you found his eyes, earnestly begging for you to listen to him. โHe wasnโtโ he hasnโtโ I donโtโ,โ he growled under his breath, reaching forward for your hand. Which you only stared at until he spoke next. โPlease, just take my hand.โ
So, you did as he asked and looked at him with desperately sad eyes.ย
He watched you carefully for a few minutes, letting the tears leave as he reassured you and apologized a couple more times.ย
He cleared his throat, blinking his eyes a few times before apparently deciding on a new conversation. โWhen did you guys begin. . .?โ
You knew he was asking when youโd started fucking his brother. But he obviously wasnโt going to say it.ย
Nice turn in conversation, Josh.
โItโs complicated,โ you offered wetly, not in the mood to talk.
He hummed, before raising a brow with searching eyes. He was trying to get through to you. โWas it that night at Babyโs All Right?โ
How the fuck did he know thatโ?
But, like you said, it was more complicatedโbecause, no, it really didnโt start at Babyโs.ย
โTechnically," you sniffled, swiping a finger, then a thumb under both of your eyes. "It started before and after that night. It was a long, drawn out thing that shouldnโt have ever started.โ
Instantly, you felt guilty.ย
The words felt wrong to say. . .the first thing coming to your mind โ the baby.ย
If it hadnโt started, you wouldnโt have the baby. The sweet little bean in your belly with a beautiful, beating heart. You placed a steady hand against your tummy to make up for the harsh words.ย
And the second thing. . . you couldnโt begin to imagine never getting to be that close to Jake. . . you were grateful it had started. . . But you also hated yourself for ever letting yourself get so tied up in Jake Kiszka.
Figuratively and literally. God. Stupid.
โYes, it should have,โ he affirmed, your eyes flickering to him. โFor my niece or nephew alone.โ
โYouโre right,โ you agreed, eyes filling with more tears at the conversation and the spiraling thoughts in your mind. โBut, I guess, if we are getting technical. . .," you sniffed. "It started that night he left the venue so pissed and you were equally as pissed with him.โ
He seemed to think on that for a second or two, trying to go back to the night to which you were referring. Once he finally found it, his eyes lit up with a twitch on his lips.ย
โHe was mad that night,โ he remembered, his hand squeezing yours. You decided to pull yours away from his as you felt it beginning to perspire. Wiped them on your pants, waiting for him to continue. โAnd now I know why. You werenโt there.โ
โEssentially, yes,โ you confirmed with a tilt of your head. You couldn't help but snicker with the next part. โIt started when I got home.โ
Joshโs lips stretched to the point that his eyes bulged and his cheeks puffed out. He blew out a breath while his eyes stayed huge. โAnd that is all I need to know about that night.โ
You couldnโt help but giggle at his expression and his words, to which he lightened with you, falling into a soft moment of laughter alongside you.ย
When the humor died down, he took the initiative to speak. And you let him. You really werenโt feeling like talking. The smells of the cafe, for one, were starting to make your stomach turn. โI couldโve guessed that it started around that time,โ he began. You quirked a brow, asking him to explain further. โHe . . . he changed around that time.โ You didnโt speak, which told him to continue. โYou see, when he first got to New York, he was so fucking surly and rude. He wasnโt just like that with you, mama. He was short as hell with me, too. And the other guys got his bad side โ especially Sammy. His heart was broken and he didnโt know how to handle his shit. He started coming back into himself around that time, though. . .Middle of summer. He sort of peaked around the middle of summer. And if I am doing the math right. . . that is when it was happening?โ
You nodded an affirmation, impressed by the quick math.ย
โYeah, he was Jake again,โ he expressed, eyes tearing up again. โHe was joyful for the first time in years. I hadnโt seen him act so freely and fun since before he and Amelia started dating. There was always something stopping him when he was with her โ she was stopping him. But you. . . you mustโve encouraged him to be himself. You didnโt turn down the challenge. You took a chance on my brother.โ
After considering the words, the lightbulb appeared above your head. That conversation the day in the record shop. The same day youโd played over and over again to convince yourself out of being with Jake. Youโd focused on the other words so much that youโd forgotten all about the positive thingsโthe possibilities that had been discussed that day.
You remembered it now. You'd been talking about high school. And how Jake had sort of decided to fuck all when Josh hadn't. . . and it had turned into you bringing up your love of a challenge.ย
Josh had nodded, lips turned down, his eyes still holding a little glint. โYup. Get my point now?โ
โYeah, but like I just said, Iโm not one to turn down a challenge. Just like you, Josh. And your brother. . .Iโve learned he is nothing if not a challenge.โย
He had nodded, knowing you were right. And heโd known you long enough to know that you did indeed enjoy overcoming any problem life may hand you.
God, what had happened to you? Where had the desire to accomplish challenges gone?
Why had you given up? Had you given him up? Or had you simply been done with that challenge? Had Jake just been ready to fly? Had you done what was best?
But, you sidelined those thoughts and decided there were more important matters at hand. Like Josh telling you more about how he was feeling.
โSo. . . youโre not hurt?โ You asked, your voice hoarse from not talking. You cleared it, and tried again. โYouโre not hurt?โ
โA little, I guess,โ he nodded, eyes studying you.
โThatโs fair,โ you encouraged โ glad he was sharing his heart. โIโm sorry for not telling you. But I just kept hearing your voice in my headโthat same day we talked about challengesโ that same day youโd told me something and it repeated itself over and over to the point that I tried to resist things happening with Jake. Mostly for you, Josh. I didnโt want to betray you. Didn't want him to betray his dreams. But then it just became something bigger that I couldnโt control. It was . . . different than anything else Iโve ever experienced. I couldnโt stop it from happening.โ
โDid you want to stop it?โ
โI tried to convince myself that I wanted to . . . but I never did. Not really. I wanted him the whole time, but I felt wrong for it. I was totally disregarding what youโd said to me. . . Going against your wishes for him.โ
His eyes got big as he took another sip of his tea, that at this point, was probably lukewarm. But if it was, his face didnโt show it. He licked at his lips and peered at you pensively, curiously. โGod, y/n. Iโm sorry. What did I even say? I donโt remember,โ he sighed, rubbing his forehead. โI hate that my words have been just fuckinโ tormenting you, mama. Iโm so sorry.โ
โNo,โ you said, pointing your finger at him, your eyes serious to communicate your point. โYou donโt be sorry. Iโm the one who was in the wrong. Not even Jake, necessarily,โ you included the last part, just on Jakeโs behalf. โI was the one who did it even after youโd confided in me that you were happy Jake was getting to live life for himself for the first time โ without having to worry about being hung up on a girl. And, then I just let myself be that girl you didnโt want for him โ I was the girl to get in his way while he shouldโve been living for himself.โ
โIn the spirit of fairness, though, I told him that he needed to take a break from women. He didnโt listen to me either. Well, sort of. . . he actually did follow my advice, I guess,โ he encouraged, his eyes searching yours. โBecause I also told him that I wanted him to think of what he wanted first.โ His tone lifted as he winked at you.ย
Your brow wrinkled . . . what was he trying to say?ย
He continued, โWhich, I guess, my dear, after the dream . . . was you.โ
Feeling suddenly lightheaded and loopy with Joshโs words, you let them settle for a minute or two before saying anything more.ย
And, the waitress had perfect timing. She filled the open air by asking if you needed anything. First time sheโd been back in a hot damn second. Josh asked for a new tea, and you asked for another glass of Sprite.ย
All that you could think in that moment was that you really had been the opposite of the right thing for Jake. So, you decided to speak your mind.
โBut. . . no,โ you declined his words, shaking your head. โNo, Josh. He didnโt put himself first โ he had a woman โ me โ that he was focused on instead of learning himself.โ
He took a bit to consider your words, his eyes squinted at you as he pursed his lips. The waitress came back to the table as the conversation lulled for his response.ย
As soon as she left, though, the two of you were back to it.
โY/n,โ he began, his lips growing into a sure smile. His hands came to clasp in front of him, his hair bouncing with each disbelieving shake of his head. โHe did. He moved here. He started pursuing the dream. He got a job he loved by teaching lessons.โ Thus meeting Maya, you snarkily thought. โHe did put himself first. Did all of that, and then he pursued you.โ
. . . you hadnโt really thought of it that way. Not once had you considered that.ย
God. What if youโd told Josh a long time ago? Chances were, he wouldโve eased your fears and worries. . . but instead, youโd assumed heโd think the worst and let your thoughts derail.ย
Would you even be in the predicament you were today?ย
You knew the answer. The answer was most likely no. You wouldnโt have the baby because there wouldโve never been a night - the night - to relieve your Jake-induced stress. Because you would have already taken the time to talk to Josh. . . He would have reassured you before you even had time to ever get to that depressive point.
Would he have convinced you to be with Jake?ย
You didnโt know. . . but. . . it was too late now.ย
You were where you were now and there was nothing you could do about it.ย
And none of this ever worked in how Maya had already been in the picture โ maybe she had been part of the reason he became happier in the middle of summer.
In the end, she could be the one to thank for thisโ it could most definitely not be you. The sad truth of the matter was, she had probably been filling his cup all along. . .while he was filling yours.
While you were letting yourself get tangled in him, he was feeling the same emotions. . . but for her. Because, in the end, she was easier than you.
You couldn't find it in good conscience to be with him anyway.
Because, well, you still wouldnโt have wanted to distract him from his dream with a relationship. His dream was too valuable to possibly table for you. You were too much of a mess that he could get distracted by, rather than taking the time to fulfill his dream.
She freed up his time with her carefree nature. And you only infiltrated his time with your darkness.ย She was sunshine, brightening up his paths.
You had to figure you out before you could ever make someone as happy as Maya made Jake.ย
Before you had this baby.
However the tables turned, they had already turned. And it was too late to go back and change anything now. You werenโt even sure what you would changeโor what you would think if you could turn back time. There was too much filling up your brainโyour lifeโ to make the wisest decision.ย
It didnโt matter anyway.
So, you told Josh all you could think to say. The same words youโd thrown nastily in Jakeโs face, you threw harshly in your own.
โWell, I guess I served my purpose.โ
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
When Josh pulled your car into your space, Jakeโs was nowhere to be found. As always, you couldn't help but wonder where he was. He hadn't worked today so he was probably with-.
โI really am most mad at my brother.โ
โTry not to be,โ you encouraged lamely. You really didnโt care too much about him being angry at anyone right now. . . all you really cared about was getting upstairs to your bed to take a nice, long nap. It had been a day.ย
โIโm going to be for a whiโ.โ
Tap tap tap.
Both of your eyes turned to Joshโs window. Outside of the driverโs side was Jake. You could see all the way down his loose shirt. It was open and tempting his tanned skin and firm chest, while his necklaces hung loosely in front of him, as he was bent over to peek into the car.
But. . . you could see the heated glare from his eyes, even through the tint of his Ray-Bans. His nostrils were flared and his lips had curled into a faux smirk.ย
When Josh rolled his window down, you heard Jake's breathy chuckles that had no indication of anything truly humorous behind them. They sounded more bitter than anything else.ย
โWhat have you two been up to?โ he questioned, the inflection on the word โyouโ paired with his snide tone told you he was probably less than thrilled to see you and Josh together. Alone, at that.ย
But why? Why the fuck would he care?
You were struck completely motionless and silent, feeling nauseous again, desperately trying to swallow down that all too familiar sensation. But this time, it wasnโt due to the hormones wreaking havoc in your tummy, it was Jakeโs presence at this incredibly horrid time that had your belly flipping in slow motion somersaults.ย
Josh huffed a laugh that nearly replicated Jakeโs. Mimicking his twin to further his irritation, no doubt. You knew Josh was in no mood to put up with Jakeโs piss-poor attitude, especially given everything he had discovered. You were tightly holding your breath at whatever the hell could possibly come from Josh's mouth, hoping that he would say as little as possible.
โFunny that you should ask, Jacob,โ Josh retorted. He turned his head to the left to make eye contact with his twin, his fingers were still gripped to the steering wheel with a force that turned his knuckles stark white.
What was he about to say? Shit. He knew better. . . right?
โBecause," Josh began. "I donโt exactly believe itโs any of your business what we're doing. In fact, I know itโs none of your business.โ
Ironic. . . because it most definitely was his business. He just didnโt know it. Not yet.
He flashed Jake his classic Josh grin, extra wide with eyes squinted, an extra, added dramatic flair of his fluttering eyelashes to seal his condescending statement.ย
You let out the breath you had been holding, thankful that Josh kept from saying too much. This was not how you wanted Jake to find out. Although, you still had no idea when or how you would approach that.ย
All you knew for sure, was that this wasnโt the right time.ย
Jake had stood firm the entire time, a brow raised with an obviously fake grin that held his lips in a tight line. His first response was a snicker through his nose and a patronizing simper, just shy of a full on scowl.ย
โโKay, got it,โ he sneered. Then, he was patting the side of the driver's door with his opened palm before swiftly turning on his heel to walk away. He forcibly shoved his hands in the front pockets of his black jeans as he sauntered off, and you couldnโt help but notice how it stretched the fabric even tighter against his perfectly, rounded ass. A sight you still fawned over, admittedly.ย
How could you not?
But you broke your gaze quickly once Josh turned to face you once again. Even though he finally knew about the special addition that you shared with his brother, youโd still feel awkward (and a little guilty) as fuck if he watched you gawk over him so openly. Especially on a day so sensitive as today.
Josh had let out an exasperated sigh deep from his lungs, his jaw clenched and hard when he finally shut the humming engine off. โI have so much that I want to say to him,โ he muttered, mostly to himself as his tone was hushed.
Yeah. Me fucking too, you thought to yourself. Donโt you think I get it?
Without the engine running, the car had become dead silent. The type of silence that allowed you to hear the rapid beating of your own heart clearly in your ears. (You even thought for a moment that you could hear Joshโs, too. That kind of quiet. Like earlier. Right after you'd told him.)
It gave you time to ponder. . . Despite his incredible response to all of this today, you still worried. Because, for the first time in the literal years of having Josh as your safe haven, you feared that things could have changed far too much for him to ever look at you the same again.
But then, your never ending train of overthinking was put to a halt when he placed a loving hand on your knee. When his warm eyes connected with yours, they reassured you that he wasnโt planning on going anywhere. At least not anytime soon.
โYou ready to go inside, mama?โย
His sweet smile that you had loved for years lit up his once hard features. Seeing the signature grin lifted some weight off your heavy shoulders.
You nodded your head and unbuckled your seatbelt as he did the same. But as you lifted the latch on the passenger door, another thought began clouding your mind, a question that you felt you needed to ask someone. That you needed to ask Josh.
โHey. . .,โ you started as he already had one foot out the door.
He stalled his movements and promptly turned his head to face you.ย
โYeah?โ he answered, the same smile still cocked in the corner of his mouth.
โWhen should I tell him?โ
He situated himself back inside, resting his back against the dark leather. His eyes were cast on yours, soft and kind as youโd always known them to be, yet a seriousness found within them.ย
โThatโs up to you, mama. You have to decide when the time feels right.โ His gentle hand reached to grab your shoulder in a reassuring gesture, effectively pulling you away from your burdening thoughts.ย
Once youโd finally made your way out of the car, you heard him clear his throat and looked to see what else he had to say. He was squinting at you through the autumn dayโs rays when he finished the line of thought heโd started in the car.
โBut. . . knowing my twin, heโd want to know sooner rather than later. Donโt wait too long, love. Heโs got a good heart, you know that. Give him the chance to step up like I know he will.โ
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
Friday, November 11, 2022
Youโd missed the show completely. As you knew you would.ย
Josh had known you were going to show up later than usual since your school work was (quite actually) burying you. Specifically, it was thanks to a 20-page paper that was due tonight.ย
Thankfully, youโd been able to finish it in time to at least meet the boys at the bar (smoke free, Josh had clarified on the phone) theyโd decided to hang out at after the show. You hadnโt hung out with them after a show in forever.ย Hadnโt even been to a show in. . .well, you didnโt even know how long.
The reason could be mostly chalked up to your intense homework load this semester, but part of you knew youโd also been trying to avoid them due to the addition of Maya.ย
It just didnโt feel the same anymore. And you knew you couldnโt force yourself to pretend. So, the extra school work turned out to be a pretty good excuse. At least you werenโt fabricating anything when youโd told them you couldnโt make it. (Although you would prefer if you didnโt have so much fucking homework.)
But you did miss watching Jake perform. You missed the faces heโd make while playing his guitar, the ones that so closely resembled the oneโs heโd make with you. The way heโd thrust himself into his beloved instrument, or pull it close to his body with a force that left your head reeling and your body in dire need for him.ย
As much as you missed all of that, something you missed even more was witnessing how his passion exuded through his entire body while he played. How his love for his art was so wonderfully evident as he put so much of himself into every song he played.ย
And with the way your body kept betraying you โ literally pulsing with desire for him anytime he was simply near you . . . to the point of needing to relieve yourself with your hands or a toy. . . You were weak as fuck. You figured it probably wasnโt the best idea to watch him perform like that with your hormones going ballistic.ย ย
Too many factors worked together to make you feel rather uncomfortable about being near him in that capacity. But. . . here you were. Waiting at the bar for them to arrive.ย
Putting yourself in a situation where heโd inevitably be near โ sitting at the same booth as you, most likely. Admittedly, it wasnโt your most incredible idea. But Josh telling you the other guys had been missing you made you realize how badly youโd missed them.ย
So. Here you were. Scrolling on pregnant influencersโ Instagram pages for helpful tips and testimonials (and occasionally Jakeโs page, just to torture yourself) as you waited for them.
Just as youโd thought to send Josh a text letting him know you were at the bar and sitting at a booth near the back, you felt the urge to pee like no other. Your belly had sort of popped in the few days that had transpired since your first ultrasound. You were learning that twelve weeks on your body was the. . . rounder version of twelve weeks. . . Which was not working in your favor to hide your changing body.ย
Thankfully, the rest of your body looked mostly the same as normal โ save for your boobs which were still about as big as they were in your Shining twin costume (not growing too much more yet, but continuing to be sore as hell). They werenโt giant, per se, but they definitely looked noticeably bigger and felt fucking heavy.
So, you were officially having to wear looser-fitting clothing to avoid anyone looking at you differently.ย To be fair, to most eyes, it probably would've looked like some weight gain around your midsection if you wore normal clothing. But to you, it literally just looked like you were pregnant.ย
You were definitely getting used to waking up every morning to a body that looked just a little different than the day before. Noticed every little changeโbut they didnโt feel little to you. . . Anything that changed felt massive to you.ย ย
. . .Hence why you were being overly cautious with the giant sweaters. . . Because, to you, it looked so obviously different that you didnโt want to risk people thinking anything or asking any questions.
And, thanks to your newly expanding uterus and a spike in your progesterone (according to your Ovia app), you were beginning to actually wiggle in your seat from the urge to pee. It was all rather unkind on your poor bladder. . .ย ย You had to fucking relieve yourself soon or you would be peeing your leggings. It would be embarrassing as hell to pee yourself and smell like it for the entire evening.
Though, you realized, as people started filtering in, that you couldnโt get up to pee. . . It was too much of a risk that youโd lose the one big booth to this hastily growing Friday night crowd.
Just as youโd started contemplating your lack of options, a particular laugh youโd gotten (unfortunately) used to, made its way through the crowded bar. Your eyes zoomed to the dark haired, caramel-skinned beauty whoโd taken up residence in Jakeโs life.ย
Maya.ย
Her laugh was just as beautiful as she was. . . Directing every eye in the front of the establishment to her as they joined in on whatever she was laughing about. She was a force to be reckoned with and it was obvious anytime you saw her.ย You were pretty sure you could see her chocolate eyes actually sparkling, all the way from across the bar.
Then, here you were in a giant ass Pratt hoodie with plain black, ratty leggings and your white Chucks. Feeling bloated and gross. . . And still needing to really fucking pee. So you had to put your insecurities to the side and get up from the spot youโd effectively heated up for the last twenty minutes because your one and only solution had just walked in.ย
You didnโt want to walk away and lose your spot, so you did the only thing you could think to do.ย
โMaya!โ You called in her direction, tucking your phone into your hoodie pocket with one hand while the other waved at her. An incredibly forced smile was plastered to your face.ย
Is this the first time Iโve ever spoken to her? You wondered briefly.ย
Even though you knew the answer.ย
Yes, definitely the first time Iโve ever talked to her. Weird.ย And funny fucking cause for it, too, you giggled to yourself, just behind your close-mouthed grin.
It was as if sheโd already seen you, because she looked at you with a knowing look. She sent you a (stupid) wink and a (stupid, yet admittedly kind) wave, along with a wide smileโbright white teeth complimented by her full lips.ย
Standing up had caused your bladder to go into emergency modeโa sensation similar to nearly bursting was the only way you could describe it. And, strangely, you suddenly felt sort of dizzy from the overwhelming pressure.ย
Thatโs odd, you thought absently, brows wrinkling ever so slightly with the feeling.ย Ignoring it, you kept waving. And, the smile slipped from your face as you urgently motioned her over. Getting the hint, she said goodbye to the few patrons sheโd been talking with and made her way to you.ย
Long, wavy hair, inky as the night sky, flowed in waves around her shoulders as she sweetly pushed through people on the way to the booth.ย
Every man she passed had to do a double take, watching her as she passed by them. . .ย You didnโt blame them.ย She was a fucking dream. (And you hated it.)
Body positively snatched and voluptuous in her all-black outfit. Her large breasts, exposed just right in her extremely low-cut black shirt. The shirt dipped all the way to the middle of her rib cage, exposing a lot of her perfect, perky breasts and tight abdomen. The tiny waist just below the dip was intimidating at best and had you feeling extremely self conscious of your nearly non-existent waist (thanks to the tiny friend living inside of you). You were glad you couldnโt see her ass, because you knew the exquisitely round part of her would have you heading for the door rather than the restroom.ย
God, why did she have to look like a damn model? It was the worst possible thing for you. You were sure of it.
Once she was finally at the table, you didnโt want to stand there and stare at her. She had you feeling ready to jump out of your unfamiliar, changing body.ย Made you feel like nothing, just by standing there.
And, most importantly, you were nearing the risk of peeing with a singular movement at this point. You really werenโt sure how youโd make it to the restroom, but you had to try.ย
You were already toeing around the table, out of the booth, when you spoke to her, averting your eyes and finding the restroom sign instead. โIโve gotta pee really fucking bad,โ you hastily said, taking the final step from the back of the booth. โCan you save this table for me so we have a place to sit?โ
โWe?โ She questioned. โY/n, I would definitely normally save it for you and your friends, but I have to work on finding my own place since Iโm waiting here for Jake and theโ.โ
โJake and the guys, I know.โ You snapped, eyes flashing as you finished for her, not focusing on your facial expression. You were almost positive you rolled your eyes at her comment.ย
Does she not know? Why? Did no one tell her?
Bouncing on the heels of your feet, back and forth, you quickly continued. Matter at hand. โIโm here to hang with you guys, too, but Iโve gottaโ.โ
โPee!โ She finished, a giggle that was probably supposed to be cute left her lips. โGo! Iโll save it. Go, go, go!โย
You were already walking away with her last sentence, hearing her from behind your back as you focused on not wetting your pants on the way to the ladies room.ย
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
When you got back out, you were instantly met with the sight of all of the guys at the back booth youโd saved.
Your eyes, sadly, found Jake and Maya first โ sitting practically on top of each other in the back corner of the booth. She was wrapped up in Jake, while engaging in a conversation with Sam. And, even though she seemed to only be halfway listening, Sammy kept on talking like she was interested in only him.ย
But with the way Jakeโs hand toyed with the hair over her shoulder and eventually traveled to squeeze (and hold) her waist. . . you knew why she wasnโt fully listening. Sammy would not be getting her full attention any time soon, and you knew that from personal experience. If it were you Jake was playing with like that, you would have tuned Sam completely out.ย
Pushing any emotion down that threatened to boil up to the surface, you kept on walking to the booth.ย
And when you got close enough, all of the attention was suddenly on you. The first one to notice you was Danny, who got up from his end seat on the booth to greet you with a giant hug. You sank into him, feeling all of the love that he was emitting sink into your sore body.ย
Then, Sam was loudly exclaiming your presence, telling you that he was waiting for his own hug.ย
You went around the three brothers who wanted to give you a squeeze.ย
Sam hugged you especially hard, making your boobs ache like no other when he pressed hard against you. Gratefully, Josh had been paying attention when you caught his eye with a pained expression and had loudly determined that it was his turn.
After Josh had grasped you from Sam and given a loose hug, you stood awkwardly. Waiting. But for what?
But. . .you knew what. . .knew why.
It was Jakeโs turn.ย
Though, all you got was a little close-lipped smile and a half-wave with a head nod from his spot next to his supermodel girlfriend.ย
You reciprocated with essentially the same response, your stomach falling to your feet as you did so. It was ludicrous to think heโd get up for a hug, too. Especially with Maya sitting next to him with her perfectly-fucking-manicured hand clutching the inside of his thigh.ย
God, you needed to feel him close to you, though. You needed your hand on his inner thigh, dangerously close to a place on his body thatโd been so accustomed to yours. You couldnโt help the way you yearned for him to be inside of you again. . . It was fucking embarrassing as hell.
And, then there was an incredibly intrusive thought.ย
It told you that, for some (strange) reason, the idea of his pecs pressing into your sore breasts. . .sounded extremely appealing. (And the thought of his hands or his warm, wet mouth on them? Fuck.)ย
Butโ you knew at this point, there was a fat chance of that ever happening.
He didnโt want you near him like that. And definitely not his hands or mouth on you.ย So you were sure he did not want a measly hug either.
And right now? In this bar? At this exact time? Obviously-fucking-not. Why would he move away from perfection? For you? In your frumpy-ass outfit? As you glanced down self-consciously, you even noticed one white sock peeking way higher than the other from your high-tops.ย
Small details. Small details that showed how much of a fucking mess you were in comparison to her.
When you heard his laugh cut through the wave of emotion you were feeling, you looked back up at him. Only to see that he was engaged with Maya and Sam in some (apparently) hilarious conversation.ย
He didnโt give two shits about you that way anymore.ย Why would he?
The terrible things youโd said to him in the kitchen were the first reason that came to your mind. Haunted you everyday, reminding you that you didnโt deserve his attention.ย
You bet she, in her utter perfection and 'sunshiney' ways, would never tell him the things you had. He was probably relishing in the mental break she provided him. A break from the emotional thunderstorm that was you.ย
But what the two lovebirds didnโt know was that you were carrying a part of him within you that she couldnโt do a thing about.ย No matter what she was to him, she didnโt have what you did.ย
Though, the depressing truth of the matter was even if you were carrying his baby, Maya was still the one falling asleep next to him more nights than not. You had a piece of him, yes, but she had all of him.ย
Fuck. That felt selfish. Without even thinking about it, you brought your hands up to your stomach as an effort to apologize to the little lemon-sized baby in your tummy.ย
You are enough for me, you desperately thought, looking down, hoping to translate the words somehow to your unborn bundle of hope. You give me plenty of joy.ย
โY/n,โ Josh spoke, breaking you from your reverie.ย
โMmm?โ You hummed.
Then he was leaning over, whispering so quietly in your ear. โYouโre about to give particular notice to your stomach.โ
Shit. You instantly dropped your hand, looking around to make sure no one had noticed.ย
Thankfully, no one had.ย
You mouthed a โthank youโ to your best friend, and scooted into the space he and Daniel had left for you, between them, on their side.ย
Sitting again helped to balance you, as the dizziness from earlier kept coming back in tiny spurts.ย You didnโt know what it was all about, but you knew it was probably something attributed to pregnancy. It was probably something normal that you didnโt need to be worried about.ย
But, you figured having someone to lean on would help to keep you steady. So, you found Joshโs shoulder, pressing against him. It was more than necessary, so you let your shoulder lazily lay against his arm. The closeness to a safe person felt overwhelmingly comforting in the otherwise emotionally-wrought headspace you were experiencing.ย
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
About an hour later, you found yourself humming along to the music that had gotten progressively louder over the time youโd been sitting with the guys. Getting lost in the melodies felt nice. And youโd noticed, walking in that night, that it was soul music night, according to the sign on the front door of the bar.
Your favorite.
After sitting with them for only a few minutes, making small talk with Sam and Danny to catch up, youโd essentially let yourself become an observer. Youโd just listened to them talk about all of these new, sudden opportunities that were coming around for them.
So much was changing.ย
They were essentially done with the smaller gigs. Their labelโs management had put their foot down that they were done with those. They wanted them going to more popular, reputable places to get their name out there. The label had taken it upon themselves to work with their manager to put them in bigger venues. Theyโd even begun advertising the boys with promotional pictures and posters all over active streets in Brooklyn.
โWeโve had photoshoots, y/n,โ Sam had boasted in wonder at one point, making sure to involve you in the conversation. โPhotoshoots! Like, real rockstar things.โ
โโS fucking nuts,โ Daniel agreed, nodding beside you, sending you a small smile. โPeople working on wardrobe for us and all that shit.โ
โWell, you are rockstars,โ you told Sammy genuinely, letting your eyes skate to each of the boys (save for one). But, when you finished your statement, you let your eyes find him. And his eyes literally melted into yours. Like heโd been waiting for you to acknowledge him. โYouโve been ready for this for a long time. Iโm just glad you are finally getting to live it.โ
But you tore your gaze away before it could become too much. Though, the snicker you heard from Maya made your eyes cut to her. You forced yourself to hold your tongue. Didnโt trust yourself with what might come out of your mouth. What had her feeling all bitter and shit? She didnโt get the fucking half of it.
That particular thought had your hands falling to clasp tightly against your tummy, thankfully hidden by the table.ย
Theyโd also begun working on their first album (which you knew about), but its release date had officially been set in stone for May. It was daunting for you and felt huge to you, so you couldnโt imagine how it felt for them.ย
It was all moving so fast. . . Which, if you were being honest, terrified you for what was to come in the near future. The little bean that was set to arrive around the time of the albumโs release. Because of all of your recent . . .changes, it just felt like a terrible time for things to feel so unsure and abnormal.ย
You knew it was selfish to feel that way. You did. It was just impossible to not feel worried and anxious.ย
The stress inevitably started climbing up into your upper back, creating tension. And, Josh, being Josh, mustโve sensed a change in your demeanor. Heโd wrapped his arm around your shoulders when you started feeling all bunched up and jittery. Youโd leaned into it, needing the incredible amount of comfort in his embrace and presence.ย
The music was setting your mind at ease from the tension you felt in your body. It also helped to alleviate the awkward air you felt with the proximity of Jakeโs guest.ย Who sat there looking so beautiful all night. Jakeโs arm hadnโt left her shoulders all night, twirling her long waves between his long fingers. You had to look away at several points. It didnโt take long for the sight to become too much. Your ever-present nausea only increased by watching them.ย
So you didnโt watch. Didnโt allow yourself to look at him.
You breathed in the music. The music saved you. You just listened to the music. The world was a blur.ย
But, when they all joined in on mutual excitement, all smiles and voices getting louder, you tuned back in just slightly.
And when you did, they were talking about one particular thing they were all looking forward to: a special event of sorts that was coming up.ย
Apparently it was a huge thing for this event to take place. One final step before embracing the stardom. It would happen in a few monthsโ time โ once the label execs heard a few songs, and released them as singles. Then, they would get to preview them to the public.ย
It would be an intimate type of event, more like old times, but for a few semi-important people who worked for the tour management team and whoever else wanted to come. It would be a listening party where the boys would play their new music. And according to the boys, it was the labelโs attempt to get an idea of touring being a possibility.ย
A lot of it was pinned on if the turnout was good. On how the guys interacted with the crowd. How the performed. . . It would be a sort of audition for the tour management team.ย
โI have faith that theyโll love us,โ Sammy said, buzzing with excitement. โIโm speaking that shit into existence.โย
The rest of the guys agreed.
Your eyes inadvertently snapped to Jake when he spoke next.ย โAnd once we start touring. . .,โ he said, grin huge and his eyes shining at the other guys. โThatโs when it all becomes fucking real. And itโll be here before we even know it.โ
Your stomach fell.
Josh squeezed your knee after heโd said it, knowing exactly what you were thinking.
Your thoughts were fucking spiraling. Looking down, you closed your eyes to will the tears awayโ tried your best to be subtle with your bundled up emotions.ย
You felt so excited for him. You wanted it for themโfor him. All along, youโd wanted him to live his dream. The one heโd had for so long.ย But the idea of him going off and away. . . All of them being so far away, all of the time, right at the time your life would be inevitably changing for the rest of forever. . . It was a lot to wrap your mind around.
It had your stomach tied in fucking knotsโthe idea of Jake being a dad, but not getting to be one. Leaving you. Leaving the baby. It wouldnโt be a bad thing, per se, but it was going to hurt like hell.ย
You swore, right then and there, that you would not let him give it up for anything. Not a baby, definitely not you (not that heโd want to abandon it for you) โ it was the last thing you wanted. The last thing that would happen.ย
He would live the dream. Even if you had to force him to do so.
No matter how badly you already knew youโdย want him around during that massivelyย transformative time. . . You were capable of doing it on your own. And Elsie would help. She would most definitely be around, you already knew.ย
But. . . Jake.ย
You shoved the thoughts down to the tresses of hell, literally planting your feet flat on the floor to center yourself to present time. Shifting a bit, you laid your head on Joshโs shoulder, letting your eyes drift closed after a while.ย Didnโt sleep, no, but you felt like you could have. Your body felt loose and weak from the nightโs stress slowly leaving your body as you focused on Joshโs steady breathing and the music.ย
As the night wore on, the volume had ended up getting so loud that everyone practically had to yell at one another to have a conversation, even within the close confines of the booth.ย
So, you had to blink your eyes open at that point. It was too much. The over-stimulation was soon approaching. You could feel it.ย You felt. . . heavier than normal. Like, you were being pulled down to the earth with exhaustion. Which was new, but probably just over-stimulation.
Even with your eyes open, they were hooded. You were so tired, you felt as though you couldnโt open them much more. And the dizziness from earlier was back with force.ย
So you focused on swaying your body a little to the rhythm of each song, tapping out the beat of each on the table. Josh had instinctively begun humming along with you while still managing to keep conversation with everyone else. Heโd sneak the occasional smile to give a sign of him remaining loyal to your company as well as the othersโ.
The melodious harmonies of Stevie Wonderโs "Please Don't Go" had been a surprise, as it was a more unpopular hit of his. It was a welcome distraction to listen to a song you knew well over the speakers, for all ears to hear. Nothing beat hearing songs you loved, playing in public spaces.ย
Oh, Stevie. His songs had historically been known to bring you peace. Always had. Always would.ย Stevie's music never failed to meet you where you were emotionally. This song, not being an exception, and hitting extremely close to home for the present time. . . But still, the tension youโd felt all night began to dissipate, sizzling out almost completely with the beautiful ending of the track.
Just as the heavy weight of your anxieties youโd carried all night had lifted, the next song started to ring throughout the building.
Only this time, the feeling it gave you was a far cry from the previous.ย
You knew it instantly. Youโd be able to hear this song even if it werenโt blaring throughout the building.ย
As soon as the first note sounded, it sent a vibration straight to your heart and a swarm of butterflies (that actually felt more like bees) to your tummy.ย
You hadnโt looked at him yet, but you felt Jakeโs eyes piercing through you.ย
You didnโt want to look at him. Not yet.ย
Your hormones had been far too out of whack for that. You knew youโd cry instantly upon seeing his face while this song played at a volume that you now wish was much, much lower.
Arethaโs powerhouse voice repeated it over and over again.ย
Youโre all I need to get by, youโre all I need to get by, youโre all I need. . .
No, you werenโt looking at Jake. But he was still the only vision clouding your mindโs eye.ย
You were back on your living room floor. . . his eyebrows bunched together with each heavy thrust into you, the sweat that accumulated between them, the perspiration and exertion that could only come from real intimacy. . .passion.
And it was plain to see that you were my destiny. . .
His coffee colored eyes that bore into you as his body connected with yours in the most intimate way that it couldโve.ย
And when I lose my will, youโll be there to push me up that hill. . .
How he filled you so completely, stretching you the only way you ever wanted. . . How, in that moment, it felt like he was made to fit you. Your body, your heart, your life.
I donโt know whatโs in store, but together we can open any door. . .ย
Without even meaning to, your eyes met his.ย
And while Maya was going on about whatever she felt the need to talk about, he was watching you. His eyes were extremely thoughtful. . . So much being communicated behind them.ย
If you were delusional, youโd even go so far as to say he was admiring you. . . The way his eyes flashed a bit as you watched him, too.ย
But you werenโt delusional.ย
Though, you just knew that he was thinking the same thing as you. . . He knew. He knew this song was special.ย
And as much as you attempted to not wear your emotions, with your condition, it was impossible.
You felt your eyes prick with tears as the song came to an end, and you quickly put your head down for what you knew was coming. And when the small drop hit your cheek, as soon as it appeared, you wiped it away.ย
You looked back up, sniffing once and shaking your head.
Why did I have to fucking look?
โGod, I wish theyโd play music from this century here for once. Or at least something halfway decent,โ Maya snickered, her attention on Jake, pulling his gaze away from you with her ignorant remark. โThis song could put me straight to sleep. Music like this is meant to be left in the past where it belongs.โย
What the hell? What was even the point?ย
What she said had your blood boiling with red hot rage. Of course she had to pick this song to insert her disgusting opinion.
And how was Jake, of all people, in a relationship with someone who thought so little of older music? How did he put up with that shit? It would be really fucking hard to hear things like that all the time if you were in his shoes.
A look of pure disgust washed over Joshโs face, and you knew he wouldnโt take her shit laying down. Not when it came to good, classic soul music. Not to mention, Aretha was one of his biggest vocal inspirations.ย โHow can you not appreciate the Queen of Soul? She paved the way for singers of every genre, her voice is timeless and immaculate. To criticize her is to criticize all music.โย
His defensive tone had everyone silent for an almost uncomfortable amount of time.
You wanted to chime in and let her know that you agreed with everything he said. But you felt it best to keep your mouth shut given the real reason you were so pissed.ย Didnโt trust your emotions to stay steady enough to get your point across.ย
This was personal.
To your shock, it was Jake that ended up breaking the awkward silence at the table. โYou know, babe, some of us have some pretty significant memories tied back to music like this,โ he asserted, sharply, pulling away from her, dropping his arm from her shoulders to look at her better. โThis song specifically. . . At least for me.โ
Your heart leapt into your throat at what he was implying. Significant? He couldnโt mean. . .? But then he flashed his eyes to you. And you knew.ย
Fuck, Jake. The butterflies let completely loose in your tummy at the implication. At the look.ย
He continued, his voice growing softer, while staying assertive. โAnd it could very possibly be hurtful to others when you say surface level shit like that.โ
Maya scoffed, rolling her eyes. This was the first time youโd ever witnessed the woman be something other than a dream. โSo I canโt have opinions, hm?โย
โI never saidโ,โ Jake tried, getting interrupted by her continuing.ย
She was piercing him with a glare, tone biting. โDid you ever stop to think about how it hurt my feelings when you refused to see 21 Savage with me? And after I got us the tickets, no less?โย
You didnโt mean to snort a small laugh at her words.ย
But. . . 21 Savage?!
Thankfully, you werenโt alone in finding amusement in the words as everyone else had a similar response. Sammy spit out the drink heโd just taken, some of it even coming out of his nose. Daniel had clapped a hand over his mouth and dragged it down his face, closing his eyes in the process.ย
And Josh turned to you as soon as you turned your sights to him. He made eyes at you, raising his brows with a grin threatening to turn into a laugh. If he couldโve spoken, you assumed heโd say something along the lines of โoh, shit.โ
Sam was the next to speak, barely able to catch a breath as he wiped the leftover drink from around his mouth with a napkin. โMaya, my dear,โ he giggled, the words distorted a little by the wipe of the napkin. โYou surely canโt have an emotional connection with his music?โ
โMaybe I do,โ she retorted, scooting away from Jake a little. Crossing her arms over her cleavage, she eyed Sammy, judgmentally. โMaybe it saw me through some really hard times.โ
โDid it?โ Danny tried, his face seeming earnest in pursuit to find sense in her music taste.ย
โWell,โ her eyes found Dannyโs, but darted around a bit, still. โNot necessarily. . . But I do enjoy his music. . . Which is my prerogative.โ
Joshโs brow was quirked. He stared her down, his face a mixture of amusement and annoyance. โMaya,โ he cleared his throat. Her eyes found him, hard and defensive. But it was obvious she was losing some steam. โThere is a difference between enjoying music and having it change the entire trajectory of your entire life.โ
Before she could sputter out a response, the waiter was back at the head of the table with the two pizzas the guys had ordered.ย
โOne pepperoni pizza,โ she said, placing one giant tray of pizza on the table.ย
Your nose immediately picked up on the overwhelming scent of cheese and pepperoni. You had never smelt something so greasy. This was even worse than the greasy smell at Waffle House on the morning youโd gone with Elsie. And where there, you could find some sort of nostalgic comfort in the smell of it. . . there was nothing that could make this pizzaโs smell appealing. Fuck.
โAnd. . .,โ Sammyโs excited tone broke through your nauseous reverie.ย
You didnโt look up, only watched in near agony as the second pizza, filled with every vegetable in the book, was sat right in front of you. Every fucking vegetable had itโs own special, rancid smell that you hadnโt ever noticed until now.ย
Goddamn. And it just got worse as you let your eyes follow a slice that Sam took off the tray, cheese so disgustingly stringy, to his waiting mouth. The way his teeth sunk into the pizza and the oil slipped down his chin. . . You felt the bile rise in the back of your throat at the sight. The dizziness set in again. Then there was the cheese that came to the corner of his mouth as he chewed his first bite with an open mouth.ย
Closing your eyes, you tried your best to will it away.ย
But you couldnโt. It was too late. Behind your closed eyes, all you could see was the sight again, but this time, in slow motion. . . more and more repulsive with every flash of the image.ย
You found Joshโs leg, hitting it repeatedly to indicate that you needed out of the booth. Your other hand, held tightly over your mouth, which felt as though it could explode with projectile vomit at any moment.ย
That would be real cute. A really effective way to make Jake look at you. . . but not for the reasons youโd want.ย
At. All.
Thankfully, Josh got the hint and quickly scooted out of the booth to allow you out.ย
And as soon as your feet hit the concrete floor, you were speeding to the bathroom once more. This time, immediately landing on your knees over the toilet with a hand clutching your hair, as you retched the (very little) contents of your stomach into the toilet.
It was alarming, to say the least, as you saw only clear saliva goo floating around in the bowl. . . no food accompanying the sickness youโd just produced.ย
I havenโt eaten today, you thought suddenly, wiping your brow of the sweat that had accumulated. Nothing to puke out because everything sounded vile.
And then the dizziness was setting in again as you rose from your place on the ground.
You really hadnโt been eating much at all. And pickles, being the only thing you could stand to eat, did not give you proper nutrients. You knew that.ย
Have to figure something out, you decided as you washed your hands. Disturbingly, you saw four hands instead of two and it was daunting at best. Need to go home and do some research so I can figure out how to fucking eat something.
By the time you got back to the booth, you already had your keys out of your belt bag.ย
Josh gave you a sympathetic grin. He mouthed an โIโm sorryโ and you just shook your head, reassuring him with a mimicked โItโs fineโ in response.
When you snapped your head up from Josh to say bye to the others, you realized that Jake was watching you closely. Pensively. Unsurely.ย
You gulped, setting your eyes on him. If only you knew, Jake. . . But, suddenly, anger was flaring in the place of any butterflies. Lack of food and pregnancy could do that to a person. But you donโt know. So quit looking at me.ย
โYou feelinโ sick, Baby Dragon?โ Sam said, breaking you out of your staring contest with Jake.
โYeah, noticed you werenโt drinking tonight. . . you okay?โ Danny interjected.ย
โOโOh, yeah. No, yeah,โ you shook your head, which only caused your head to throb. Shit. โJust tired. Exhausted from school.โ And from carrying a human life in my uterus. โI wanna get home and rest.โ
โI forced her to come tonight,โ Josh added. He looked at you before exchanging looks with the other guys, emphasizing his point to help you out. โShe has had her nose to the fucking grindstone. I insisted she needed a night out.โ
โForced her?โ Jake scoffed with a roll of his eyes. โGod, y/n. If you donโt want to come, then donโt come.โ
You fumed at his words. What the fuck? Just minutes ago he was jumping to defend your song. โHe didnโt force me,โ you growled back at him. Donโt test a pregnant woman carrying your goddamn baby, Jacob. โWhat he meant was that he encouraged me to come since I havenโt been around for a while.โ
โAnd whyโs that?โ Jake pushed, continuing to jest at you. Is this a game to you, asshole?ย
โJake,โ Josh snapped, tone sharp and heated.ย
โSchool,โ you asserted (with a partial lie), shutting your eyes when you started seeing two of him. When you opened them to stare back at him, you focused hard as you continued to see four brown eyes instead of two. โBut thatโs not really any of your business is it, Jake?โ
He was silent, his jaw clenching. Then he looked back to Maya, starting a conversation with her, effectively shutting you out.ย
You werenโt sure how long you could put up with the hot and cold act from him. You knew that he was hurt, but you preferred the moments in recent times where heโd shown the soft side of his heart. The Jake side of his heart.ย
The one flashing through your mind at this moment was on the night of the Halloween party. When heโd picked up the dropped brownies for you and then offered to help you carry stuff to your room. . . albeit he had been drunk. Itโd still been him. You knew it. It was something heโd do. . . you knew him.ย
And you knew him well enough to know when he was acting like an ass, it meant he was hurt. You werenโt oblivious to the recent hurt youโd inflicted on him. . . but why was he suddenly reacting like this again? Why now?
When another wave of dizziness took you over, you had to once again shut your eyes to keep your balance, and you held tight to the strap of your bag. Your head was also, once again, pulsing.
You opened your eyes and tried to stay steady, as you didnโt want to worry the three who cared. Pulling your phone from the pocket of your oversized hoodie, you shook your keys at the guys who still watched with concerned eyes.ย
โBe safe,โ Danny offered sympathetically, reaching a hand out. You grasped it, rubbing your thumb over the back.ย
As soon as he let go, Sam was up and pulling you into a hug. Once heโd succeeded in killing your boobs again, he held onto your shoulders. โWe miss you,โ he said, breath thick with alcohol that was making your stomach turn. You held your breath and tapped at his hand politely before scooting back from him. โLove you, y/n.โ
You repeated the phrase back to him before Josh got up, presumably to walk you to the door. โI promise Iโll start coming around more often again,โ you told them. โI miss you, too.โ
And just before you stepped to head toward the exit, you found Jakeโs eyes again.ย
They were softer now, showing concern he couldnโt hide at your current state. But there was still that fire behind them that youโd learned was purely Jake. And it made your heart thump a little harder in your chest.
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
The tiredness was unreal. You honestly couldnโt remember the last time you were so fucking exhausted. Everything that had been happening recentlyโthe therapy, telling Josh that you were pregnant with his twinโs baby, being pregnant with said baby (and worrying that you werenโt), taking sixteen-fucking-hours of classes. . . it had been a lot. That much was obvious as hell.ย
And tonight had been emotionally taxing for sure. . . and knowing you, you knew it was more than extremely possible that the emotions alone had been whatโd finally done you in. Drained you for all you were worth.
Well, that, and the lack of food in your system. And the persistent barfing.
You'd been poring over the resources that Dr. Rose had given you access to. And, one of the links on their site had informed you that it was extremely possible for the fatigue to peak around this point of the pregnancyโten to twelve weeks.
And considering you were right about at 12 or so, it was on the mark.
But when youโd read that, you hadnโt been expecting the feeling to be similar to that of being weighed down to the Earth by heavy-ass lead. You were dying to fall into bed and sleep off the exhaustionโright after taking a measly Tylenol for the pounding headache thatโd been burgeoning for the past several minutes.ย
All you could do at this specific moment, though, was focus on drivingโand pulling into the apartment complex with as much precision as possible. The pain in your head was beginning to make your vision blurry and the things around you waved in ways you knew they werenโt supposed to. Goddamn.ย
You finally made it to your parking spaceโby the grace of some higher entity. But, as soon as you tried to move to get out, everything around you began to spin at an accelerated speed. Moaning, you brought two shaking hands up to your eyes as you closed them. You started to count to ten, trying your best to take deep breathsโbut even that was getting hard to do. Fuck.ย
Finding your motherfucking bearings was proving to be a task and a half.ย
And your head was just fucking throbbing relentlessly.ย
โDammit,โ you groaned again, the words slurring just a bit.ย
Somehow, though, you were able to make the trek from your car to the complexโs staircaseโso close, yet so far, from your place. But you could feel the way your heart was thrumming quickly in your chestโjust pounding against your ribcage from the basic action of walking.
Everything began waving around you again. You felt like you were floating and your head was becoming lighter and lighter by the second; the only reminder that it housed a brain was the raging, convulsing feeling in your skull.ย
Your vision was incredibly blurry at best, as you looked from the base of the stairs, all the way up to the top. The top of the stairs was hardly visible.ย
Shit. How the fuck am I going to climb these steps like this?
But, you werenโt able to contemplate it for much longer before everything started fading more and more, until you felt yourself falling and all you saw was a black abyss.
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
The hand you felt holding yours was the only thing that weighed you down to the white room. The other things that you immediately noticed: the sound of steady beeping (which was incessant) and the smell of antiseptic and bleach wafting from the bedding.ย
The bed itself felt reminiscent of high quality cardboard, but the sheets were warmer than you wouldโve expected.ย
Letting your body relax back into the warm, polycotton sheets, you began to drift back to wherever youโd been. But you felt something hold you to the present. It was the someone with the hand who was helping to keep you conscious. The thumb that swept purposefully across the back of your hand tied you to the real world before you could escape to the one behind your eyelids.
Then you felt the hand holding yours squeeze the slightest bit tighter. Your lids were heavy when you squinted them openโimmediately hating the way the fluorescent lighting assaulted your irises. You didnโt know if it was possible, but you were damned sure you could feel your pupils adjusting to the overbearing beams from the bulbs.ย
Moaning, you reached your free hand up to cover your eyes. And when you did, you noticed the influx of tubes, taped to and sticking out of your hand. Specifically, the needle connected directly to your vein. What the fuck was going on?
Amidst your confusion, you finally processed who the hand was connected to as you heard his voice.
โYes, yes,โ Josh said in response to something. You noticed that he was seeming to squeeze your hand in little pulsing intervals. When you squeezed back to indicate you were awake, his eyes were immediately on you, abandoning his conversation. โY/n? Oh, fuck,โ his voice was thick with emotion. His gaze became wet as he checked your face over. โI was so worried about you.โ
You didnโt know what to say, since you werenโt really sure why you were here or what had happened to get you here. . . All you could remember was being tired and dizzy with a pounding in your head.ย
You tried to speak, but it was in vain, as your throat was dry as fuck. All that came from your lips was a measly croak. But, thankfully, Josh was immediately coming to your rescue with one of the hospitalโs giant plastic cups, filled to the brim with water. He held the straw to your lips and you sat up a little to have better leverage to take a drink. To your surprise, the pounding in your head was gone, and there was no dizziness accompanying your movements.ย
And no nausea โ best part of all.
As soon as the water slipped past your lips, you shut your eyes in utter relief. Water had never tasted so good. You werenโt sure if water even had a taste, but at that moment, you swore it did and that it tasted like liquid gold would.ย
Once youโd had enough for the moment, almost draining the large cup, you backed away and leaned into the pillows that awaited behind you.ย
Sighing in relief, you tried to say words again. And this time, it worked. โWhatโs going on?โ You slowly spoke, your head still feeling slightly airy. You let your eyes trail to Joshโs, questioning him. โWhy am I here?โ
Then, you started panicking. You shot up from where youโd settled against the pillows, clutching your stomach. The IVโs connected to your hand pulled at your skin, stinging. You ignored the pain though, and felt your tummy. It was still round, but obviously that didnโt meanโ oh no. Your deepest fears came to life in your head, piece by terrifying piece. The baby.ย
โOh, fuck, Josh,โ you said, your eyes were wild and immediately drew wetness, which ran steadily down your cheeks. No no no no no. โThe baby? Is the babyโ? Ohโ.โ
โYes, yes,โ Josh shushed you, running his free hand over the top of your head. โThe baby is fine. Already checked and looks the same as it did a few days ago,โ his eyes shone with reassurance. โNothing is wrong with the baby.โ
โHeartbeat?โ
โSteady as can be.โ
You felt your lungs fill with air again. โOkay,โ you breathed out, leaning back into the pillows once more. โOkay.โ
โBut you on the other hand,โ he started, his brow raising and eyes burning into yours. โYou need to be giving yourself proper attention, mama.โ
โIโ?โ You shook your head. You knew you werenโt the most attentive to yourself, but youโd tried very hard to be more self-serving recently in some regards. Longer showers, Friends, Cosmic Brownies (RIP) and pickles, therapy (if that counted). . . โIโve been trying. . .โย
But the vomiting is proving some of that to be impossible, Joshua, you thought silently, snidely.
โWhat your friend is trying to tell you,โ the doctor began. Your eyes shifted to her, an older woman with delicate features whose gray hair was pushed back by a pair of readers. Then her brows wrinkled. โWellโfriend? Father of the baby?โ
You both spoke at the same time.
โOh, noโ.โ
โNot me,โ Josh corrected with a laugh, his smile bright and humored underneath his new mustache. โThatโs my brotherโs baby in there.โ
Ridiculously, you began to blush at hearing Josh say it out loud. You were learning that any time it came from his lips, it made your breath catch in your chest just a little.
Jakeโs baby.ย
โOh, my apologies,โ she smiled, her crows feet wrinkling, voice wise with years of experience. โI just wanted to proceed using the correct title to address you. Speaking of which, I am Dr. Stevens. Itโs nice to meet you, Miss y/n.โ
โSame to you,โ you answered with a tiny, unsure smile and nod. โThank you.โ
Dr. Stevens hummed, then came to sit on the end of the bed, same side as Josh. You eyed her curiously as her expression turned a touch more serious. โMiss y/n,โ she said, sounding like youโd imagine a caring mother would. โYou are here because your iron was frighteningly low,โ she said, concerned and checking your chart. โIf it had gone untreated one more night, you would have been incredibly ill and unable to function properly at all come morning.โ
โWhat?โ You asked, shocked. Anemia wasnโt a new thing to you, youโd always had it. How had it intensified so quickly? โI mean, sure, Iโve always had mild anemia. Just kind of a thing thatโs been there . . .havenโt thought about it in years, actually,โ (because of some damn triggering, buried memories attached to it). โBut Iโve never had โ itโs never been as. . . Intense as this,โ you held up your hand that was covered in tape and inserted tubes.
โWell, honey, youโre carrying a baby now who also needs those vital nutrients to help it develop,โ she counseled. โAnd proper hydration,โ she reminded. You nodded, eyes zoned in on your hands, full with pieces of plastic and tape, and not her face. When Dr. Stevens spoke next, her voice was the most stern itโd been so far. โAnd prenatal vitaminsโ those are essential for you and the baby.โ
Your eyes flicked up to hers. The way she pierced you with her stare made you lean back like a scolded puppy. Your tail would have been between your legs if you had one.
Why hadnโt you bought any damned prenatals yet? Fuck all.
โYes maโam. I donโt know why I havenโt been takingโ,โ you tried, huffing. You were ashamed of yourself. โGod, I feel bad,โ you placed two hands on your tummy and looked down at it through the hospital gown youโd been changed into. โHow has all of it not harmed the baby?โ
โWell, again, tomorrow would have been a completely different story had you not been rushed in tonight,โ she reminded, talking you through it slowly. โBut weโve got fluids pumping through you to get you back to normal.โ She motioned to Josh, you looked at him with a small smile that he reciprocated. โAnd your friend has promised to take you for a prenatal run tomorrow morning. To find the ones that you feel might suit you best.โ Dr. Stevens smiled, looking over at your bedside table. Your eyes followed, seeing the small medicine bottle sitting there, waiting for you. โFor now, I have a couple ready to send home with you,โ she assured.
โIโve never been the best at prioritizing my health,โ you mumbled, messing with a loose thread on the hospital gown. Josh held the hand that was anxiously picking at the material, making you stop. You looked over to see his kind, encouraging eyes. โI have ingrained my brain with several unhealthy, learned habits,โ you admitted, finally looking at Dr. Stevens again. โSo I guess this was a reality check of sorts. That itโs not just me anymore. I canโt just ignore what I need to acknowledge.โ
You didnโt know what was inspiring the constant flow of transparently deep emotions to all of these unknown people in your life, but you werenโt totally opposed to it anymore.ย
Dr. Stevensโ face contorted to show that she had sympathy. You were relieved. But when she spoke next, her voice was firm. โYouโre right. This baby is forcing you to take care of yourself so he or she can survive and come out healthy and happy. I believe this baby is teaching you some proper life skills. But you need to be eating well to help this child have a good, healthy time in the womb. . .help him or her thrive at this vital stage in its life.โ
God. She was right. You had seen the words Failure to Thrive on multiple sources youโd checked out about pregnancy. . . .always just skimmed past them, as it didnโt seem to pertain to you. But, of course it did. The vomiting. Not taking prenatals (seriously, what the fuck, y/n?). The lack of eating anything (save for the baby pickles). . .
Youโd been so in your head about the present state of your health that you hadnโt taken nearly enough time to consider the baby.ย
โIโve just never been bad about eating. This is new,โ you confided. โAnd itโs just gotten worse this past week or so. . . I havenโt been able to eat. Everything has made me want to vomit.โ Then you decided to add, โWell, everything besides pickles. Theyโve been my only source of any nutrients โ which I know is pathetic, by the way โ I justโjust canโt even be in the same room as most food, much less eat it.โ
โYouโre experiencing a severe case of hyperemesis gravidarum, which is just a fancy way of saying that youโre excessively vomiting during your pregnancy. Itโs due to a drastic change in hormones. Your HCG levels are through the roof, where theyโre usually not. Most women just have to suffer through it,โ she said in response, handing you sheet with the fancy medical term at the top. โThat is an information sheet. Keeps you informed on the ins and outs of why you might be experiencing it.โ She sighed before going on. โIt will pass, honey. Give it a few more weeks and you should be over the worst of it โ if not before. But being anemic makes it that much worse,โ she explained, flipping her readers over her eyes and looking through the papers on her fancy clipboard. โYouโve just gotta stay on top of those preexisting conditions.โ
โAnd not taking the prenatals. . .,โ she scolded, making you look up from scanning the sheet. She gave you a look. โIs what has you in this condition. You should also be taking an additional iron supplement. Iโm. . . sure you didnโt tell your OB about your previous anemia?โ She wondered aloud.ย
โNo,โ you murmured. โI really havenโt seen it present itself since I was really young. And it wasnโt really severe. . . at least I donโt think,โ you rubbed your forehead, suddenly experiencing several sad moments in time. From a long time ago. So, once again, you bared your heart and explained.ย โThere are things from my childhood that Iโve forgotten. And even though I do actually know I experienced bouts of it during that time, I havenโt ever really acknowledged it because I just kind of forced myself to forget about it.โ
Really, for some godforsaken reason, thinking about your anemia only brought back very unwelcome flashes of your motherโs house. . . and other dirty places you didnโt want to think about. Hence why youโd blocked it out.
Josh squeezed your handโ tried to bring you back.
Thankfully, Dr. Stevens continued before the thoughts could take over. โI am sorry, honey,โ she said, empathetic. But, she continued on professionally. โThe hard truth is that some of the things that have always sort of laid dormant can come back with a raging force during pregnancy. . . simply considering that the pregnancy is essentially a revamp on your body,โ she paused when you chuckled at the word โrevampโ. Yeah, right. She smirked at it, too. โI know, funny word choice. Doesnโt always feel like youโre revamping,โ she flipped to the next page in her chart. โWhat I mean is, things can come back up and be biggerโstrongerโthan before. One more thing that is changing and increasing in your body. Medical conditions from the past may come back and get more โintenseโ,โ she winked at you, using your word from earlier. โBut, itโs important: now that the anemia has shown itself again โ so aggressively โย at a time that your body is already very vulnerable. . .โ She sighed, flipping her readers back into her dark gray hair before unclipping a paper from the chart and handing it to you. โItโs time we get a handle on all of it before it possibly shows its ugly face again.โ
The sheet she handed you included several foods that you could eat to remedy the morning sickness. Some of which had made you feel like puking โ or actually puke. But, there were a few things you didnโt have at home. Boring, bland foods. Things you just never bought. A few fruits and vegetables. . .
And a shit ton of vitamins.
โA lot of plain Jane stuff on there, I know. And vitamins, vitamins, vitamins,โ she acknowledged. โBut those supplements and bland diet are what will see you through the dark ages of this morning sickness. We need to treat that first. And then, you should be able to ease yourself into other foods and get your iron levels healthy again for you and your baby. Please focus on following that guide of foods and vitamins and just call my extension โ which I attached to the top of that sheet โ if you have any issues.โย
She then passed one more sheet over to you and added one more piece of information. โThis sheet will include the Hemoglobin Kit Iโve ordered for you and it will be sent to the address your friend provided for us within the next few days. Please be using it to check your hemoglobin levels. Hemoglobin is the main component of red blood cellsโa proteinโ that we need to see at normal levels. Iโve included where your levels should be on that sheet. They should never be too low or too high. Please read the information on the sheet and in the kit to answer any additional questions you may have. This will help you to track of how your levels are doing and if your anemia is spiking again,โ she said, her voice seeming to drone on and on in your ears. โAnd again, call if you have any questions or concerns.โ
As you continued reading through the paper, she unclipped another and handed it over to you.
You really were thankful for the documents, really, but dear god there were a lot of them. Virtually and physically. From your OB visit and tonight. It was overwhelming . . . made your skin feel tight and overheated.
It was also a lot of information for you to over-fucking-think.ย
Iโll have to take them to Gia. Sheโll help me sort through them, you reassured yourself, taking a deep breath in and out to calm the nerves.ย
โAnd the morning sickness should. . . pass sooner rather than later?โ Joshโs question broke through your reverie. Your eyes shut to refocus on the present moment and not the papers.
โIt should, yes. For most women, it does,โ the graying doctor confirmed. โYouโre. . .how far along? Iโd estimate about eleven, maybe twelve weeks?โ
โYes,โ you nodded. โTwelve weeks according to my OB.โ
โYep. You should only have a few weeks โ or less โ left. Just try the foods on that sheet. The vitamins. Stay hydrated. There are several recommended supplements the sheet provides. You can find most all of them on Amazon.โย
You handed the sheets over to Josh, needing them away from you for the time being. You needed to be in the now. Needed to focus on anything else the aging, wise doctor may need to say.ย
To put it plainly, tonightโs event landing you in the hospital had you scared shitless. And learning as much as possible from her would hopefully wind up putting your mind at ease. . . though, at this moment, it just had your heart rate increasing rather quickly.
She eyed the monitor next to your bed, moving closer to it as she observed something. โThere goes that heart rate again,โ she squinted at the vitals once more before pushing her glasses into her hair. She looked down at her chart, her lips pursing and readers going back on as she checked it over. โThatโs another thing I want to address,โ she hummed, sitting next to your legs, facing you and Josh from her seat. โHave you been under a lot of stress lately? A major change? Besides the baby? Mentally, perhaps? Emotionally?โ She questioned. โBecause while your iron levels were scarily low, your heart rate was also dramatically high. Which, yes, is related to the iron levels. . . but, I thought Iโd go ahead and check as more often than not, it can pertain to an extreme amount of stress your heart is under from other sources.โ
You stuttered out a response that involved you beginning therapy for the first time in years. You tried to touch on how you were experiencing a lot of emotions around what you would eventually be talking about in therapy. . . how youโd already bared your heart to Gia and opened up every single gate possible to effectively begin therapy.ย
โI wanted to do it. Still do," you explained, needing Dr. Stevens to know that. โI would do it all over again right now if I needed to. Sheโs already helped me so much โ after only one session, just with me basically projectile vomiting my past and emotions all over the room.โ You took a breath, before finishing. โIt doesnโt make it any less difficult though. It hurts. Physically, it hurts to talk about it all. I know it will all come together in the end. I trust the processโI trust my therapist. But it was extremely taxing โ on top of everything else Iโm feeling right now.โ You glanced over at Josh before adding, โThe babyโs father is. . . heโs just. . .โ
โA lot,โ Josh finished with a half-chuckle. โHeโs a very good guy. Heโs just a lot.โ
โI have a lot of feelings about everything happening in my life right now, Iโll just say that,โ you ventured to tell her. โAnd I had somewhat of a handle on my anxiety and depression before I got pregnant, but itโs also been something to resurface in a brand new way with the pregnancy hormones. Without me even knowing it sometimes. And before I know it, my heart is actually hurting my chest from the amount of pressure Iโm putting myself under.โ
Josh scooted his chair over closer to you and wrapped one of your hands in two of his, holding on tightly.
โIt hasnโt all really clicked until now. . . that all of it might be related to my. . . issues,โ you confirmed aloud, peeking over at Josh just briefly before looking back to Dr. Stevens. Youโd just spilled your entire heart and it was making you feel extremely uneasy. God, she hadnโt asked to hear all of that. โIโm so sorry about spilling all of whatever that was,โ you waved your hands around before combing them through your hair, trying to breathe deep breaths. You found her eyes, which you now realized were green. โI reallyโgod, fuck. Iโmโ that was a lot for you to hear and you didnโt ask for the wholeโ.โ
โI needed to hear it all,โ she consoled you, tapping a comforting hand on the top bed sheet, rather than your leg. โIt helps me assess the situation. . . and from what Iโve heard, it sounds like the most probable cause of you fainting tonight was due to the iron deficiency and your heart.โ She assessed the numbers on the blinking monitor yet again. โIt just hasnโt slowed much since youโve been here, sweetie. Even with the medications weโve given you to temporarily alleviate it, itโs still been sitting at around 120 beats per minute. And since youโve been awake, itโs spiked enough to cause some concern to this doctor.โ
As she expressed her concern again for your thrumming heart, (which you had noticed an increase in itโs pounding as of late) it began beating a little harder once again, causing an unpleasant tightness within your sternum. You winced.ย
Josh noted the change almost as quickly as you did. His hands that held onto yours began squeezing even tighter, the skin of his palms now wet and clammy. He brought your hand, wrapped in his, up to his chin. The hair on his chin was unfamiliar to the last time youโd touched his face (who even knew when you last did that), but it still felt familiar enough against your knuckles to calm some of your nerves.
You couldnโt help but look at him with wide, fearful eyes. His eyes were steady on you, his attention only breaking from you to look at Dr. Stevens with a nonverbal note of worry for you.ย
She stood from the bed and came to stand beside you, inserting the buds to the stethoscope around her neck, and held the circular part to your back. โCough for me, sweetie,โ she told you, her calm demeanor forcing you to come back from your momentary freak out. โMake it a big one.โ
You found it to be an odd request, but you werenโt in any place to question this doctor who had shown you nothing but kindness. And offered help when you, apparently, so desperately needed it.
You did as she said, and forced the best cough you could muster. It instantly relieved the tension in your chest, even lowered your heart rate a bit as you watched the blinking numbers begin to drop on the screen.ย
โWh-what was that? Am I having a heart attack?โ You felt silly asking her that. . .but you didnโt know any better, it may as well have been your body plummeting straight into a cardiac arrest.ย
This was all a lot, and now you were very hyper aware of every little change in your heart that you felt, saw, or heard from the screen.
She chuckled softly, taking the stethoscope away from her ears, hanging once again around her neck. She watched your vitals intently as the blood pressure cuff attached to your left arm (that you hadnโt noticed yet) began squeezing you rather uncomfortably.ย
โYouโre not having a heart attack, my dear. Not even close,โ she reassured. Although, you still felt the worry present in the pit of your tummy that you were unknowingly clutching again. โI am no stranger to the intense effects of anxiety. Iโve seen it time and time again. I think that was a big part of the palpitation episode you experienced a few minutes ago and the persistent increase in your heart rate I've seen so far tonight. However, I would like to conduct a little further testing. Just want to be sure your heart is nice and strong โ for you and for the baby.โ
You felt the air from Joshโs lungs release against your knuckles as he let out the breath he mustโve been holding, squeezing your hand just as tight as before. As terrified as you were, his presence provided the safety net your spirit needed to not be thrown back in a massive panic attack.ย
She sat down on the bed next to you once again, her kind eyes offering little comfort right now as you start to feel overwhelmed with the sudden discovery of so many things that were apparently wrong with your body.
โIf you can remember, have you ever been rather sensitive to the heat? Maybe suffered from heat strokes during your youth?โย
Her question had your mind yet again returning to your past that had been kept securely behind a locked door with no key. A place you didnโt venture often.ย
But it did bring forth some hazy recollections of your days as a child, playing outside in the thick,ย dry summer heat. How you couldnโt stand to be out in it for very long without feeling. . . faint. And dizzy. So fucking dizzy.ย
A long since forgotten trait of yours that you never thought to pay any mind to.ย
โUmโ yeah, actually. Now that I think about it, Summers were always a challenge. I couldnโt stand being outside for much longer than a few minutes some days without feeling like I could pass out or throw up,โ you huffed a humorless laugh at the memories playing back in your head. Miserable times. โIt was. . .fucking awful.โย
Youโd suddenly started to remember all the times you felt faint as a child. But it wasnโt always from the rise in temperature. Sometimes, it was from the stresses your mom tossed your way, the fights, the troubles that brewed in your home. It became more and more clear that fainting was most definitely not new to you. You just couldnโt remember.ย
โOkay,โ Dr. Stevens continued, her hand now patting your shin as she seemed to pick up on the unease of remembering your past. โWhat about when you go to stand up after a period of being seated or lying down, does your vision become a bit obscured at times? Like youโre seeing stars? Tunneled vision, maybe?โ
โI mean, y-yeah,โ you stuttered. โSometimes. But it doesn't last for very long. Doesnโt everybody experience that, though?โ
You had no clue where she was going with all of these questionsโ questions that she seemingly already knew the answers to. Of what it all meant, you werenโt sure. But you knew you needed her to cut to the chase soon before you began plummeting even further down the anxious path youโd started paving.ย
โWhat does it mean? Is this something I should be worried about?โ You asked through newly developed tears you had no control over.ย
Your mind was running rampant with only one singular thought: the baby. What does this mean for the baby?ย
โYou donโt need to worry, sweetie. This is actually a lot more common than you think.โ
She stood up from the bed, unclipping one more piece of paper from the board sheโd been holding prior to sitting down. She handed it over to you, the paper weighing your hand down with what you were to find on it.ย
But before you could begin to worry about what was on it, she was explaining it to you.
โThat sheet is going to inform you on the ins and outs of Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, most commonly referred to as POTs,โ she seriously informed, her eyebrows dipping to show concern for your worries that you knew were painted all over your face.ย
โThatโs a funny name,โ Josh giggled, the breath from the laugh heโd let out fanned against your knuckles. โLike pots and pans. . . you know?โ
You wanted to slap him because, shut the fuck up, Josh, now is not the time, but. . . try as you might, it actually calmed you down a bit. You couldnโt help the tiny ghost of a grin that floated over your lips.
Dr. Stevens glared at him, causing him to stop his little joke, before she continued on. โPOTs,โ she enunciated the name while flashing her eyes to Josh, โis nothing to be concerned with, but it is a valid heart condition that does require a bit more testing to confirm if itโs present or not. Just to be safe.โย
You peered down at the sheet in front of you and the bolded print that you tried so fucking hard to not be too overwhelmed by. It wasnโt the worst possible condition, but it was still a fucking heart condition that you could possibly have. And with everything else thatโd happened tonight and your current life predicament. . . it was causing your head to spin.
Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) is a condition that causes a number of symptoms when you transition from lying down to standing up, such as a fast heart rate, dizziness and fatigue. While thereโs no cure, several treatments and lifestyle changes can help manage the symptoms of POTS.
As you read the small print across the page, she told you exactly what it was she suspected you had. โTo put it plainly, your heart canโt pump blood quickly enough to your body, resulting in a higher heart rate and a lower blood pressure that can sometimes cause you to faint.โ She came close to your bedside again, โIf you donโt mind, I am going to need to listen to your heart again.โย
It took you a bit to come to, but when you did, you finally nodded in response. She placed the cold end of the stethoscope against your chest while securing the buds in her ears to listen to you.
โThis, combined with your lack of eating that caused the extremely low iron levels could have developed from your pregnancy. Although, Iโm willing to bet theyโve been present your entire life. Certain instances can trigger them. Stress, severe anxiety, or pregnancy. In your case, dear, Iโd say itโs all of the above. A bit of a trifecta, you could say. The ingredients for the perfect, terrifying storm.โย
โJesus, mama," Josh breathed, his lips faintly brushed over your knuckles as he continued to hold your hand close to his face. โYou have got to start taking care of yourself. I canโt stand to see you like this.โ
You knew that. God, you knew that. It had always been easier said than done. But it was no longer all about you anymore; the moment the life began growing within you, it gave you a newfound motivation to take care of yourself for the little life you were now responsible for.
โWhat other testing needs to be done?โ You asked. You were hesitant of what her answer would be, but if it provided a step in the right direction towards becoming the healthiest version of yourself that you could possibly be, you were all ears.
โThereโs a specific test, a tilt table test, that must be done to provide us with a little more insight to the specifics of your case. However, itโs not safe to perform it while you're pregnant,โ she explained. โSo for now, Iโm just going to send in for a heart monitor that will be delivered to your house in the next week or so. Youโll wear it for four weeks and that'll give us plenty of information in the meantime. Iโm also going to refer you to one of the best cardiologists we have on staff here.โ
A heart monitor? That sounded utterly terrifying to you.ย
โI am also going to insist that you keep track of your hemoglobin levels daily,โ she continued. โYou can also buy your own blood pressure cuff to partner with the hemoglobin kit we have set to deliver at your doorstep. You should be able to apply your insurance to the purchase of the blood pressure cuff, if you decide to include that step as well,โ Stevens took a deep breath before going on. โKeep a daily journal to log your numbers. Just a notebook to track your blood pressure and hemoglobin levels. Itโs vital that you do these things, y/n. Fainting like this can not be a normal occurrence. Itโs not good for you or the baby.โ When she spoke next, you felt your heart leap into your throat. โThe lasting effects on you or the fetus could be life threatening if youโre not careful. . . could be terribly detrimental to the babyโs developmentโspecifically his or her little body or brain development.โ
Life threatening. Detrimental. Babyโs development. Little body or brain development.
You heard your heart rate go up on the monitor, but you werenโt about to freak yourself out any further by looking at the changing numbers. You literally felt your pulse quicken and your breath become shallow in your throat as you struggled to take full breaths.
Focus on the now. Focus on what is real. What is right now. Baby is not in trouble yet.ย
You have time.
You brought a thumb and middle finger up to your temple, rubbing away furiously to relieve the oncoming headache that had been simmering at the surface for the past several minutes. Your other hand found its home on your swollen belly.
It was all so overwhelmingโstaggering, really, and you werenโt prepared for any of it in the slightest.ย
But, then again, how would someone prepare? You felt as if you were living in a brand new body, much different from the one youโd lived your whole life in up to this point. There was so fucking much out of your control and unknown. It was all pushing down, heavily, on your already-tense shoulders.
โRelax, mama,โ Josh sensed your tension, and knowing you as well as he did, he knew it was time to start helping you articulate the right questions. He brushed his thumb across the back of your hand as he calmly asked, โWhat do we need to do if her numbers arenโt. . . normal? What are some measures we can take to get them to where they need to be?โย
The fact that he was willing to stand alongside you during this whole thing, that he wanted to, it was such a comforting thing to know at this moment. Not that you had any doubt in your mind, but hearing him say something as simple as โweโ. . . it just warmed your heart completely.ย
โLots of fluids,โ she answered through a sincere smile. โAnd an increase in your salt intake to help your body maintain those fluids.โ She handed you yet another sheet and sat back down next to you, looking you in the eye with a stern, motherly expression. โThat should help you out with foods to eat and fluids to drink, in addition to the sheet from earlier. But, honey, you need to change your diet. Itโs essential that you incorporate healthy eating habits at this point in your pregnancy. After youโve gotten your body accustomed to the bland foods on the other list Iโve supplied you, you need to start adding lots of iron heavy foods to your meals. Meats, leafy greens, rice. . . things of that nature.โ She searched your eyes, hers kind and knowledgeable from years in the field. โAlright?โ
You nodded your head in confirmation, wondering how the hell you were going to make that happen with the way normal food left you utterly disgusted at the present time.ย
โWeโll make sure of that, doc,โ Josh responded in your place, throwing a wink at you as he knew damn well how horrible your food aversions had been.ย
โM-my therapy,โ you found your voice. โItโs going to be intense. It will cause my body stress.โ Dr. Stevens looked at you quizzically before you went on, โItโs called EMDR therapy. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing; although, Iโm sure youโve heard of it in your profession. I donโt know all of the logistics yet, but I know itโs not a conventional form of therapy. What do I do if I wish to continue that? Should I continue it?โ
โIt should be safe, as long as you make sure to have a thorough discussion with your therapist after each session. That is dire in helping your body and your mind process it all in a healthy manner. In order to have a healthy body, you must also take care of your mind, especially in those circumstances. I do want you to consult with your therapist over how much stress youโll be able to handle at any given time. Donโt let your mind go too far. If you have a good therapist, theyโll know the signs if youโve had enough, though, donโt be afraid to tell them.โย
If there was one thing you did know about all this uncertainty, it was that you could trust Gia to not lead you astray, or towards anything that would be detrimental to your mental health.ย
Dr. Stevens smiled, her clipboard once again tight in her grip before she stepped further to the curtained room you were shielded by. โDo you have any more questions?โย
Josh glanced at you, waiting for you to say anything or waiting for you to communicate something for him to say on your behalf. You were sure you had questions, but you were just fucking flooded with stress to the point that all you wanted to do was sleep. . . just ready to get home.
Also, seeing as it was an emergency room, the idea was to get patients in and out. Wasnโt supposed to be the length of a standard visit.ย
Youโd taken up too much of her time.
So, you shook your head at Josh and then looked to Dr. Stevens to tell her no thank you.
And when you did, you glanced down at the name on her coat and the name of the hospital stitched into the white fabric. You hadnโt even noticed. . . .ย Cedars-Sinai.
Same hospital Iโll have the baby at, if all goes according to plan, you suddenly realized, the thought bringing you a weird sense of peace. And it will go according to plan.
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
Josh went about gathering up all of the documents that had been handed to you and the prenatal pills provided as a nurse came in to disconnect all of your tubes and shit. He'd waited outside the curtain. and asked the nurse a few more questions as you'd changed back into your clothes.
And on the ride home, heโd put on peaceful music over the speaker of the car. He was used to doing it when you rode in his car as you hated riding in it. But tonight? Tonight you found comfort in the hunk of creaking metal.ย
Because it meant you were going home.ย
When you got home, Josh helped you up to the apartment and went about opening the front door and setting up your bed for you. All while you brushed your teeth, pulled up your hair that smelled like hospital, and changed into your comfiest PJs.ย
Just as heโd tucked you in and was about to leave, you pulled on his hand and begged for him to stay. You really didnโt want to be alone for the night, mumbling as much to him.ย
So, like the perfect friend he was, he set up a pallet on the floor as you tossed him a pillow from your bed.ย
And to your solace, sleep found you as soon as your head hit the satin of your pillowcase.ย
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
November 14, 2022
Every Monday being your therapy day was honestly the perfect way to start your week. Youโd decided that on the way to the counseling practice on the chilly November afternoon of your second appointment.
You already knew it would be like it had been before. Before, (on your first and only other visit before todayโs) it had just felt like a breath of fresh air to talk to a licensed professional like Gia. She was just fucking amazing. And you knew every week would be like before: a fresh start with a confidant who could give you killer fucking advice. A little date of sorts with a licensed professional who was positively eager to help you get through your week (life, generally) the best you possibly could.
Well, at least your therapist was eager to do that.ย
Even as you sat on her trendy, camel-colored leather couch for your second appointment, you felt completely comfortable and at ease with Gia. She had already become one of your favorite people.ย
Youโd spent the first thirty minutes or so filling her in on telling Josh, your first prenatal exam (also showed her the sonogram pictures, which sheโd loved), and the emergency visit. No details had been spared and you made sure she had time to give you any advice or words of wisdom she deemed necessary. But sheโd really just let you have the floor and talk.ย
Once you wrapped up your scary details from the night of the E.R., handed over all of the documents you wanted to sort through with her, and talked through them until you felt more ease about all of the anemia and heart shit, sheโd looked at you seriously.ย
Pinned you with a stare, her eyes sparkling like emeralds as she thoughtfully assessed you.ย
She sat down her tea, and then wheeled herself over to you. Her oversized sweater was a turtle neck that matched the color of her couch, and the too-long sleeves of it touched your hands as she grasped them loosely in her hands. โY/n,โ she began, peering at you openly through her circular, wire framed-lenses, โWe do not have to do EMDR. I want to remind you, it is entirely up to you if you choose to go that route. If you are fearful of it causing too much stress, I understand wanting to venture down another therapeutic route.โ
โNo,โ you shook your head, a small smile curled the corner of your lips to reassure her. โI want to do it. I believe itโs what will work best to get to the heart of things. Donโt you?โ
โYes,โ she agreed, brow knitted. โI just donโt want you to feel any unnecessary stress during this vulnerable time in your life.โ
โAs long as you promise to help me wrap it all up with a good talk at the end of each appointment,โ you suggested with hope evident in your tone. โTo wrap it up as much as we can for me to make it through the week.โ
She grinned. โI can do that,โ she affirmed with one certain nod, her loose bun, full of her soft blonde hair bounced with the action. โDid the doctor recommend continuing it?โ
โYep. Said it shouldnโt be an issue if we manage to discuss it all at the end of each session,โ you offered. โDoesnโt want me carrying around anything unresolved that could make my stress levels increase.โ
โWell, thatโs definitely doable,โ she confirmed with a wide grin. Scooting back, she grabbed her tea from the repurposed desk in the corner of her office before propping her ankle on top of her bent knee. โSo, if you do wish to continue with EMDR, Iโll go ahead and explain it a little better than I have yet.โ
โI do,โ you said as a final agreement. โWhat should I know before we start?โ
So, Gia proposed EMDR and all of the benefits that could come from the specific form of therapy. You listened to every detail readily. Were you scared? Yes. Were you anxious to begin? Also yes. It was intriguing and a little exciting to be so close to finally diving deep into the curves and corners of your mind and memories.ย
Once sheโd finished with that, she was rolling her chair back over to you and placing her elbows on the ends of her thighs as she bent to talk intimately with you. When she spoke, the smell of spearmint on her breath was oddly calming. โThereโs something I feel I should mention before we begin. A bit of a warning that you should heed. Some clients experience this, some donโt. But something to be aware of, nonetheless.โย
Your eyes widened at her use of the word โwarning,โ and her sudden change in tone made you believe this was something a little more serious. You knew there were risks involved with this somewhat unconventional form of therapy, but you hadnโt let yourself delve into all of them just yet. You had tried your best to leave the ball in Giaโs court to explain it all to you.ย
And you knew that anything deemed risky, Gia would let you know of them before you agreed. Any online research wouldn't be nearly as viable as it would be coming straight from Giaโs mouth.ย
Still yet, your heart beat just a little faster in preparation for whatever she had to tell you.
Deep breaths, y/n.
โTell me,โ you asserted. In search of some extra comfort, you placed a hand on your belly, the pulse vibrating in your palm also immediately triggered the fear in you that your heart was possibly over exerting itself.
Deep. Breaths. Giaโs got this. She wonโt let you do anything too risky to your health. She wouldnโt let you.
โSome people report experiencing rather intense flashbacks that can come unannounced. And when I say intense, I truly mean just that, y/n. If they come, they can be debilitating.โย
This was the first you had seen her eyes downturned, a picture of worry painted within her emerald green irises. โThere have also been accounts of severe nightmaresโwell, more along the lines of night terrors. The kind that can wake you up in a panic. I just want you to be aware of these possibilities before we begin. I need you to promise me right now, that if these things do happen, youโll call me. I donโt care if itโs in the middle of the night or the middle of the day, you have to call me, and I will answer.โย
Middle of the day? They could come then, too? Shit.
โIs it. . .ย really that serious?โ You took a moment to ponder your question, not entirely sure what to make of it all just yet. (And you couldnโt help but wonder if Jake found out about these little occurrences during his research before bringing the idea up to you.)
โIt can be,โ she noted with a stern tone that sent yet another wave of anxiety through your tense muscles. โThatโs why I need you to make me that promise. That isnโt something you should ever experience alone. As I said, it can be debilitating.โ
Your mind began turning furiously with the thought of having to experience flashbacks. Would they be flashbacks to things you already remembered? Or worse. . . things you didnโt? Both?
If you were being honest with yourself, you knew the answer and it was honestly terrifying to you.
For a split second, you started to doubt whether or not this was the right solution for you. But, you couldnโt deny any longer that you did need the help. You had to be better. For you and for the life that was growing inside of you. The baby needed a healed mother.ย
And you knew Gia was the perfect person to guide you through it. You trusted her, and that was something that has never come easily for you.ย
โIโll admit,โ you began, still holding tight to your belly, reminding yourself of the growing reason why you needed to do this. โIโm nervous. But I still want to do it. I promise Iโll call you whenโ ifโ that happens. . . but, what if youโre not available?โ
โDonโt be nervous. Youโve got this.โ She flashed you her sparkling white teeth in a smile that put your spirit right back at ease. โAnd I do my best to answer. Itโs my job as your therapist to see you through this. Some donโt take it as seriously as I do, but I know that youโll need me in your corner and Iโm happy to be there. I signed up for this, just like you did,โ she grinned, once again using her feet to scoot her back to her desk, in her plush, light pink chair. โBut, on the off chance Iโm not able to answer, I would immediately contact someone you trust to see you through it. Hold you. Talk to you. Just be there with you. Whatever you need. Someone who would be willing to do that.โ She opened her laptop before turning to you, an idea seeming to spark in her mind. โAs a matter of fact, before our next session, why donโt you make it your assignment to think of the person youโll go to in situations like that? Just one person for now and if you think of more, then double whammy.โ
She winked, and you just sent a barely-there grin back to her in response. As she went about clicking open tabs on her computer, you knew you didnโt need until next session to think of your person.ย
Because as soon as she started talking about that person, you were back in the hallway of your grandparentsโ home โ right outside your bedroom. And the person next to you right then and there. . . he was the one you wanted with you if the terrors hit.ย
Not Josh. Not even Elsie.ย
But Jake.ย
Would he be okay with that though?ย Would it be worth asking him?
Gia was once again speaking as she clicked through a few buttons on her laptop. โY/n? You okay, love?โย
You looked up, finding her eyes waiting for yours. โOhโoh, yeah,โ you stretched your lips to make the best smile you could. โJust being an overachiever and already brainstorming my person to contact.โ
She hummed, giving you a sneaky smirk. โDoes it happen to be a certain roommate of yours?โ
Eyes bugging, you were shocked that sheโd guessed. But were you really? She sorta kinda (definitely) knew the depths of your heart. She'd probably known who youโd want to pick as soon as you'd known it.ย
Nodding sheepishly, you decided to ask, โIs that a bad idea?โ
โI donโt believe so,โ she assured. โFrom what youโve told me about him, he seems like a pretty good guy and I think heโd be more than willing to help you if you needed him.โ
โReally?โ
โReally. Itโs also super convenient because he lives with you,โ she insisted with a final wink before she said, โAnything I mightโve forgotten will be in the PowerPoint Iโm about to send to your email. But, Iโve gotta say, Iโve done it enough times with enough clients, I think Iโve covered every base for today.โ A few beats of silence passed before she triumphantly pressed a button. โAaand, sent!โย
Then, wheeling back over to you, her pristinely white Nikes made the smallest squeak on the stained concrete floor of her office. โOkay, so today,โ she began. โHow are we feeling?โ
โReally good,โ you confidently responded, wiping your palms against your leggings before a true smile fit to your features. โWhen will we start?โ
โI think next session we will find your safe place,โ she said with a raise of her brow. โI will explain what I mean by โsafe placeโ next time, and directly after, we will send you there. Try not to worry about it until then, okay?โ She requested, eyes searching yours for an answer. To which, you nodded. She continued with a grin. โFor today, I want to call it quits with the EMDR talk. . . Let you rest. Unless. . . you have any questions, of course. . . .โ
You wracked your brain, and when you couldnโt think of anything immediately, you told her you didnโt have any questions.ย
โCome with some next time if you think of any. And, my email is always open in between visits if neededโeven if itโs just a minor inquiry you have,โ she reminded. โOh! And Iโm not sure if I mentioned this yet. . . but, if we need to ever schedule an emergency visit over Zoom or in the office. . . that is also always, always on the table. I know that these things get heavy, and I want to be here for you through all of it, y/n.โ
โGot it.โ
Although, something did come to your mind as you were both standing to leave the session. You hadnโt given the question much thought in your own mind (shockingly). It had entered your wave of thought the day of your first prenatal appointment. When youโd asked Josh.ย
But since then, your mind had been too preoccupied with everything else that had recently happened that this thought had been put on the backburner.ย
But, you were curious what her opinion was on the matter, now that it had resurfaced.ย
Right before she opened the door, delicate hand on the handle, you grew sweaty. But you needed to ask the question, because if you didnโt do it now, it would be tormenting you until next Monday.ย
So, you asked her the same question youโd asked Josh.
โWhen should I tell Jake about the baby?โ
She turned her shoulder, her eyes stern when she responded. โSoon. . . sooner rather than later. Just focus on what is real.โ
Sooner rather than later. . . same exact words Josh had said.
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
It had been a long day of classes and the short shift at the Black and Gold after your classes had completely wiped you out.ย
When you got home, all youโd wanted to do was take a nap to sleep off the exhaustion from the short day. Before pregnancy, you wouldnโt be hitting a wall so early in the day, but now that you were, you could hardly function after going nonstop for more than a few hours.ย
Your body was functioning in overdrive, trying to produce enough energy to sustain two lives. . . and you were still getting used to it. Honestly, you werenโt sure you would ever get used to it.
But before your nap. . . you wanted to take some time to release some of the soreness in your changing body with a warm shower. You were sure to grab a towel from the dryer because, even though you knew Jake wasnโt supposed to be home for a few hours, you still didnโt want to risk him seeing you. The idea of him seeing any slight changes on your body made you cringe. You werenโt sure if you felt comfortable in your body yet, so you definitely didnโt want him seeing it.ย
There was also the enormous, glaring factor of him seeing the changes and realizing what was going on. You really still just looked bloated (albeit very, very bloated). . . but you had a feeling that he would catch on. Heโd gotten very used to what your body looked like for the better part of the summer, so you could see him noticing your stomach protruding more than it ever did before.ย
Heโd know. . . you just had a feeling.
After a day of trying to wear regular jeans, youโd decided it was a bad idea to wear your normal sized jeans anymore. The tight waistband had cut into your abdomen all day and squeezed you like a motherfucker. Thankfully, thereโd been a lull in customers before the end of your shift, and the oversized sweater youโd worn had provided enough coverage for you to unbutton the jeans when you were alone in the store.ย
But when you finally got to take them off, you breathed a sigh of relief to be out of the confines of the stiff clothing. And the big, fluffy sweater had gotten to be too warm by the end of your shift, so taking that off had also been extremely relieving as well.ย
After youโd tied your hair back and heated the shower a little cooler than your usually steaming hot showers, you had to get used to the temperature as you stood and lathered up your belly, giving yourself your daily time to just observe how it was growing. Ever since your visit to the E.R., youโd become more conscientious of how it was growing.
You were new to this pregnancy thing. You didnโt know if it meant your baby was okay or not if your belly wasnโt growing at a certain rate.
To your utter relief, over the past few days, you had finally been able to eat moreโfollowing the lists of food Dr. Stevens had given you. You occasionally got nauseous, but the puking had limited significantly with the suggested bland, healthier foods and constant Ginger Ale (which youโd actually found much more delicious and helpful to your twisty stomach than Sprite).ย
Then there were the Preggie Pops and the heaven-sent PregEase: both of which had been fucking life savers. (Both stayed safely locked away in your room, on a shelf in your closet, right next to where youโd pinned the sonogram pictures.)
Once youโd let the quick shower relax your muscles exactly like youโd needed, you took your time drying off. And once youโd washed your face and changed into bike shorts and a giant t-shirt, you werenโt so tired as before. So, youโd settled into the couch with your phone, a book, a fluffy blanket, and a delicious bowl of sweet red peppers and pretzels.
It had become a go-to snack as of late.ย
You were looking forward to finishing the steamy romance that had popped up on your BookTok a few weeks back, but you wanted to look into BookTok reviews for the second book in the series before you finished the first. Just to prepare yourself.ย
Though, when you opened your TikTok app, you didnโt look into the book. No, instead, you found your fingers searching โ13 weeks pregnantโ. You wanted to see how other women looked at this point in the game. You couldnโt help wanting to compare your progression to other women. It wasnโt a healthy course of action โ you knew that. You just had to see. . . get an idea.
You saw a lot of videos of them talking about entering their second trimester. Which, like your Ovia app had already informed you today, you knew you had officially passed the first trimester. . . which was a massive thing to you. Passing the first trimester meant several exciting things. A few being: the chances of your baby surviving the pregnancy increased tenfold; the morning sickness started screeching to a halt (thank god); and youโd be able to find out the gender of your baby in a few short weeks.
Though, the other glaring thing at the front of your brain was how you needed to tell Jake. Because of the fact that you were already in your second trimester.
The main thing you were concerned about was staying healthy, though. . . you were really hoping you were doing okay at keeping yourself healthy; you needed your baby to be healthy. All of your numbers seemed to be getting back on the right track as youโd been tracking your hemoglobin for the past few days. It was all very comfortingโ-you felt better.
Just as you clicked on a video about symptoms at week 13, the front door opened to show Jake coming through. You quickly shut the app off and locked your phone, pretended to be reading as sweat accumulated in your arm and knee pits. (Lovely.)ย
Though, you couldnโt help but turn your body to peek at him in his peacoat, with a scarf wrapped around his neck, and a beanie covering his ears. Much like heโd looked on the night of the macaroni and cheese and therapy talk.ย
He had a little chill in his bones, it seemed, as he shook them out when taking off his coat and scarf. His hat was next, leaving his long hair staticky in its wake. He smoothed it back with one more chill before he was off to the counter, dropping off the mail and his keys. But he didnโt immediately go to his room. He went about opening a drawer, finding a pair of scissors and heading to the mail on the counter.ย
You did notice a package now that you looked closer. And he was hurriedly going about cutting through the yellow protective packaging.
Out of nowhere, you decided to speak. No idea where it came from. Curiosity killed the cat was all you could come up with.
โWhatcha got there?โ Whatcha got there? Okay, first of all, what the fuck?
He peered over at you, raising a brow before lifting the now-open package to display it to you. โNew guitar part I ordered.โ
โOh,โ you blinked, not sure what else youโd been expecting from him. Of course he wasnโt about to make pleasant conversation. Not when something had apparently climbed up his ass where you were concerned for the past several days.ย
Once again, you were right back at square one at the most inopportune time. It made you question your idea to make him your go-to person for your expected night terrors. . . but you didnโt want to let go of the possibility yet. Not yet.ย
โHave fun with that,โ you offered, turning back around to the book you most definitely didnโt want to read at the present time. Instead, you took a nervous bite of a pepper.ย
โUm, y/n,โ he said your name with a question in his tone. โWhat the fuck is this?โ
Your heart tripped over itself in your chest. What had he found? Without looking at him, you decided to just go ahead and get your ass off the couch to survey the situation.ย
He was holding the box containing your heart monitor in his hands.
Fuck. You really didnโt want him to be privy to that part of your life. For whatever ridiculous reason, you were embarrassed by it.ย
Deciding honesty was the best policy, you decided to just flat out tell him. โI went to the Emergency Room the other night,โ you started. โAnd the doctor just wanted โ.โ
โThe Emergency Room?!โ His voice raised a decibel, obviously alarmed at the new information. โWait . . . is that why Josh had to leave the barโ? The same night you were gone all night.โ
โWait. . .how do you know I was gone all night?โ
โI live with you, y/n,โ he scoffed, talking to you like you were an idiot.ย
You felt your blood pressure rise, your heart beating in your ears. โYes, Jake, I know this,โ you matched his tone, the hormones working in your favor this timeโmaking you angry rather than sad. โBut why the fuck were you awake?โ
โI was waiting forโ,โ he stopped, clearing his throat before starting over. He looked down, a crinkle in his brow. โI couldnโt sleep.โ
He was waiting for. . . who? Waiting for. . . what? Your curiosity peaked, but you ignored it for the time being.ย
โWell, not that you need to know, but yes. I was at the E.R. that night,โ you explained. โSomething happened that landed me there and it resulted in them wanting to track my heart activity. Nothing huge.โ
And for once, you didnโt feel bad for lying to him. Your nerves were lit on fire with irritation towards him.ย
He doesnโt need to know.
โYou got a heart monitor in the mail,โ he stated, not dropping the possible severity of the situation. "And you're saying it's nothing huge?"
Without a second thought, you were yanking the package from his hands.ย
โItโs. not. your. business, Jacob,โ you squeezed the package until the plastic wrap squeaked from the tight grip of your fingertips. Then, something else clicked. โWhy the fuck were you not looking at the name on the package? Remember, like you said, you live with me. You know that not all of the shit that comes in the mail is yours.โ
โI just wasnโt thinkingโ.โ
โKind of fucking invasive, Jake,โ you interrupted hotly. โDonโt you think?โ
โWell, it helped me to know something was wrong with your heart. You wouldnโt have told me if I hadnโt opened the package,โ he argued back.ย
โYou didnโt need to know!โ You said, your voice raising at the same speed as your blood pressure. โStill donโt!โ
โBut Josh sure as hell does, right?โ He demanded, swinging his finger towards the door, his jaw clenching. โHe needed to be your knight in shining fucking armor, huh?โ
โWhy the hell do you care?!โ You fumed, the question exploding from your chest with the same emotion that had tears gathering in your eyes at the question. Angry tears. Confused tears.ย
โI donโt!โ He snapped, his beautiful, brown eyes, hard. His jaw, set and tight.ย
His words sat in the air for a few minutes. Your stares were intertwined; swimming with tangled emotions. The air felt hot and heavy as it surrounded you. It was taut with newly spoken (and still unspoken) surmounting feelings and disequilibrium. Nostrils were flaring. Both of your chests heaved, the sound of his breathing mixed with yours in a way that made you want to slap and kiss his pursed lips.
You didnโt let yourself stand there much longer โ needed to get away from him. Without speaking to him, you tore your eyes from his, gathered up your stuff from the couch, and tried to walk with as much dignity as you could to your room.ย
Somehow, you were able to get the door open with your hands inexplicably full, and after youโd entered and before you could shut it behind you, you shot a glare his way. He was still watching you.
โFuck you, Jake.โ
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
November 17, 2022
The next night saw your ass in the shower again.ย
Except this time, you were sitting in the tub, legs drawn to your chest as close as possible with your rounder tummy, and chin on your knees as you let the warm water soak you through.ย
Youโd already shaved and washed everything. So, now, you were just letting yourself be.
Your thoughts had been spinning since last night. So, in an effort to help your heart, youโd invited Josh over for a movie when Jake left to give lessons for the day. And, of course, heโd said yes without question.ย
Youโd spent the day drowning yourself in popcorn and Canada Dry (Josh surprised you with a new 12-pack when heโd arrived) as youโd watched all three Bridget Jones movies. Back to back to back. They werenโt Joshโs favorites, but he humored you by trying to indulge in the trilogy โ even managing to laugh at the funny parts.ย
Between movies, heโd let you cry on his shoulder. Or, intermittently, during the movies. . . By the time heโd left, your tears had positively stained the white long sleeve tee he was wearing.ย
He didnโt ever ask what it was about โ who it was about. And you never told him.ย But you knew he wasnโt oblivious to who caused your emotional episode.
Now he was gone. Had been for about an hour. And Jake wasnโt home yet. Not that you fucking cared.ย
Youโd meant it when you told him what you did. Fuck him.
Though, the devastating matter was that you couldnโt decide if you were more mad at yourself or him. Everyday was a replay of the day in the kitchen. And you were sure he replayed it everyday, too. . . and he was definitely allowed to feel hurt after the horrendous shit youโd thrown at him.
But what was with the back and forth? Hot and cold? How heโd been okay the night with the mac and cheese? How heโd spent his time researching therapy for you to try? How heโd been quick to defend your song to his girlfriend?ย
And, just as quickly, he was snapping at you. Getting upset out of nowhere. Instantly angry with you when youโd come out of the bathroom at the bar. Getting pissed for no reason at you and Josh for sitting in the car. Telling you last night that he didnโt care about you.ย
Was that true? Did he not? It fucking killed you if it was true. But you couldnโt blame him if he didnโt care. Why would he?
You took the moment to stretch your legs out in the shower, watching as the water painted your skin with droplet after droplet. Then, you looked down at your tummy, extra round after a day of pigging out.ย
Placing a pruned hand on it, you looked down at the part of your body that housed your human. Surprisingly (not), tears clouded your voice as you spoke to it, rubbing the skin reassuringly. โIโm so sorry that your mommy and daddy are so fucked up.โ
After letting a few tears fall to meet the tight, rounded skin of your tummy, you forced your legs to stand up. The feat was proven a little difficult as theyโd fallen asleep, but you still managed. Regretfully, youโd turned the water off. You didnโt want to leave the shower but you were officially prune-y as hell.
And, as you gathered a towel to wrap up in, you realized you were also very fucking tired.
You carefully attached the heart monitorโs adhesive to your chest like the instruction manual (and multiple videos youโd watched) told you to, and followed it with the monitor itself. You then checked to make sure the phone youโd been given with the kit was ready to track what it needed.
Finding your phone on the counter after youโd washed your face and brushed your teeth, you decided Josh deserved a thank you after putting up with you the last several days.
Especially after youโd just rocked his motherfucking world . . . and heโd been so cool about it.
God, you just loved him.
You, 10:17 p.m.: Iโm so glad I have you. I mean it from the bottom of my heart that I wouldnโt make it through this pregnancy without you. And your love and amazing fucking support. Iโd be lost without you.
And after you sent it, you began towel drying your hair, then brushed through any tangles the best you could.ย
When you heard a ding! sound from the living room, you spent a few minutes thinking it was your imagination. But when you heard it a second time, you realized it was most likely not in your head, and that Jake was home.ย
So, checking your appearance once more, you wrapped the towel as tight as you could around your body before shutting the light off and opening the door.ย
You glanced up to see if he was in fact home, and the sight that met you had you stop in your tracks.ย
Joshโs white phone case with the little triangle symbol heโd drawn on it one day at the B&G.ย
In Jakeโs hands.ย
Jakeโs face, looking at the screen of said phone, mouth open in shock.
And as soon as you closed the door to the bathroom, the smallest sound of it shutting, made his eyes slowly slide up from the phone to your face.
He held the phone up, showing you just what heโd seen. Fuck.ย
โYouโre pregnant?โ
You took a careful step forward, the blood in your veins frazzled and vibrating. Deny deny deny. As long as you can, y/n. โWhat gives you the right to be in Joshโs phone? Your invasiveness really knows no fucking bounds these days,โ you clipped, voice shaking in spite of yourself.
He blinked a couple of times, a smile forming on his mouth. A wide, sarcastic one, which turned into an astounded scoff. โReally? Thatโs what weโre going to focus on right noโ?โ He shook his head, clicking the phone shut before taking a few cautious steps towards you. โHis face I.D.; it opens to me. Iโm his fucking identical twin.โ
โProve it,โ you challenged.ย
โWas already planning on it,โ he snipped. And right in your line of sight, he opened the phone, putting his face in front of it. Then, it was turned to show you. The same tantalizing screen as before. โProven.โ
โWell. . .,โ you faltered, scrambling. โWhy did you have it?โ
โIt was laying on the counter. I went to grab it and my keys,โ he jingled the keys in his other hand. โI was going to take it to him,โ he explained, sounding exasperated and patient all at once. An anomaly. โBut when I picked it up, I looked down, and it opened.โ
He took two steps back, once again, holding the phone up to show you the text screen. The gray bubble had never looked so horrifying as it did in that moment. The sweat accumulating on your forehead proved your entire skin care routine pointless. You were shaking. Your skin felt like it was going to fall off from the vibrations taking over underneath it.
โNow,โ he started slowly. โWill you answer my question, please?โย
His voice broke on the last word and it triggered a single tear to trickle down your cheek.ย
โYes, I am.โ
โWhose?โ
โReally, Jake?โ You questioned, the question making your heart break. How could heโ?ย
His eyes went soft momentarily, pleading with you. โI just need to hear you say it, y/n.โ
โItโs yours, Jake. The baby is yours. Who the fuck else?โ
-๐ผ๐ผ๐ผ-
a/n: this monstrous chapter was a fucking doozy and you already know i wanna talk about it!! come to my asks and we shall chat <333
oh, but i'm just wondering........ what do you think reader's safe place will be? ;) a place? a person? both? hmmm....
ty for being the best readers in the world and pleaseee never hesitate to send in your wonderful thoughts! love youuuu <3
& as usual, it wouldnโt let me tag some of yโall. :( so please check to see that youโre down there because if youโve asked to be on the taglist, i tried to tag you. buuuut tumblr wouldnโt let me do it for everyone ๐ ugh. and if i somehow forgot to tag someone, please also let me know that! (i'm a NOOB and i have terrible memory)
Taglist: @joshym, @gretavanfleetposts, @alyson814, @fretaganvleet, @lallisonl, @writingcold, @gvfpal, @twinszka, @jessicafg03, @reesetrippingthelight, @sacredjake, @laurenlovesgretavanfleet, @gretavangroove, @222headedcalf, @dreamssingold, @carbondancingthroughtime, @raviolilegs, @way-to-go-lad, @jakekiszkasmommy, @katgvf, @objectsinspvce, @jaketlover, @vanfleeter, @thetroublegetssoloud71, @seditabets, @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface, @jaketlove, @ohgodthefeeling-gvf, @starcatcher-jake, @anythingforjtk, @lucimoo, @indigostreakmorgan, @gretavanbear, @katelynn-gvf, @alwaysonthemend, @aintthatapity, @bowievanfleet, @fwzco, @takenbythemadness, @cherry-icecreamsmile, @laneygvf, @hi-hi-hello11, @sinarainbows, @jakesbarbarian, @mybussyinchrist, @becinabubblegvf, @heckingfrick, @danigvf, @pinkandsleepy1934, @derrangeddumpsterfire, @klarxtr, @josh-iamyour-mama, @abby-gvf, @cassyface, @gretavansabotage, @torniturntomyarrow, @joshsbonnet, @llrosee, @starshine-gvf, @itsafullmoon, @gvfmarge, @creadliz98
(and, due to t*mblrโs shitass guidelines, i will be adding the other tags in a reblog of the story!)
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