#I almost cried :) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bumblebeehug · 13 days ago

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I'm starving for nalu angst content. Please feed me?

i shall feed you with some of the best angst i can muster<3 thank @zuzu-fairys-tail for prompting this tihi

For the sake of Love

Summary: Natsu makes a mistake that drives him away from Lucy, but when he returns, he's forced to face the aftermath. Notes: This fic works as a stand-alone, but makes direct references to "Unrequited Love" Part of this series Ao3 - FF.net (original version)

***

Natsu had never thought about love as something he would experience. He had seen other people express it, claiming that their life didn’t start until they met their significant other. He heard them talk about needs, desires, communication and other otherworldly things – otherworldly, he called them, because couldn’t this apply to anyone? Why did it have to be a specific person? Why them?

He once asked Gray about this. He mentioned his relationship with Juvia, how they had been going steady ever since the team got home from the hundred years quest, but that he couldn’t understand where their original relationship had gone. Their yandere-tsundere act, their genuine friendship – had he really given it up for the sake of “love”?

“They cohabit,” was Gray’s curt answer, clearly disgusted having to talk about feelings with an idiot like Natsu.

No matter how much Natsu pressed him after that, Gray wouldn’t elaborate. Cohabit. He asked Levy for a definition, and came to the conclusion that that’s what he and Happy did. Lived together, spent time together, cared for each other. Except, he wouldn’t marry Happy even if he stood at gunpoint, so Gray couldn’t have been serious. He kept the real information for himself, the actual secret behind normal love and romantic love – what they meant and what differentiated them.

Before Natsu met Lucy, he was going through a troubled period in his life. He had spent so much time alone ever since Lisanna died. His home was dusty and empty, any time he spent in Magnolia was spent at the guild hall, and even his time there was limited to when he was between missions. And those missions then – they would last for weeks at a time, and anytime he found a lead on Igneel, he would follow it, resulting in more time spent away. It could go days between his last conversation with humans, though luckily he didn’t go anywhere without his blue furry pal.

Then Lucy entered the picture. If Natsu hadn’t been talking a whole lot before, now he barely got a word in edgewise. Except, he didn’t dislike hearing her chatter away like there was no tomorrow. It filled his brain, the empty space that normally made his loneliness echo throughout the night. Lucy was a breath of fresh air in comparison to speaking to anyone else in the guild. They all knew him for his losses – losing Igneel, losing Lisanna – but here he had a girl who didn’t define him by these things. She valued Natsu for his current self, the one she had met in Hargeon, who was strong, friendly and reliable. He appreciated this – he didn’t have to feel out of place when he entered the guild. Plus, she was easily impressed by all he had to offer. It was almost too good to be true.

After her, the world shifted. He was once again finding joy in the simple things. Jobs became more intricate and engaging, and even when the reward was butchered he’d always leave with a good feeling in his stomach. He enjoyed hearing her explain plants she saw on the way home from the job, and though he never enjoyed trains, he felt at ease knowing she wouldn’t leave him on it. Lucy became his ground pillar, the safety line that kept him from falling. Soon enough he found himself looking towards her every time he outdid himself. He wanted to know that she had seen, that she knew how far he had come. And the best part was that every time he searched for her eyes, she was already looking at him. Her support was unwavering.

At least, that’s what he thought. Lucy was always going to be there, searching for him, aiming all her attention to Natsu. He believed that her door would always be wide open for him, and if it wasn’t, he’d be granted an open window – something that told him that she wanted them to connect. For years, that was true. He had landed in the fact that he loved her presence, and she loved his. That their friendship was beyond just friends – soulmates would be more accurate.

But Natsu felt inadequate. Like he was failing at being a normal human. He had been haunted by the fact that he never was seen as any other guy – he was always a dragon, a demon, or in some cases a dunce. Truthfully, he didn’t want that. So one day he took a look at himself, and at other guys his age, and did a comparison. What was it Natsu did wrong, where did he fail as a human?

It didn’t take long to notice it. Almost every guy his age had been with, or currently was with, a partner. Not in the way Lucy was a partner, though he often referred to her as such, but in a dirtier way. There was jealousy, touching, tasting and biting, not always confined to a private space, seeing as he had noticed all this just in the guild hall. Jet had yet another girlfriend fuming with anger as she ran out of the bar area – she had apparently had enough of being compared to Levy. Natsu didn’t actually crave that sort of love, but he still couldn’t help but search for it.

The day he met her, he was on a solo mission. Happy and Lucy were visiting the Exceeds, but Natsu wanted some extra money for food, so he’d gone alone on a quest to catch some dark wizards before they got their hands on a sacred jewel from the village. It was walking distance, the pay was good, and Natsu would get to let off some steam: it was the perfect mission. What he didn’t know was that within that group of wizards, there’d be a mage with the most captivating looks.

Her light blue hair and fierce, deep green eyes had him captured. Not captured enough to avoid him from defeating the group, but enough to make him feel like he couldn’t help but to try to talk to her. Surely she’d come over to the good side if they had a good heart to heart? Natsu was confident that all she needed was some TLC: a warm shower, a proper conversation, and a soft bed to sleep in.

That night, Natsu did things he’d never done before. She had kissed him, and to his initial surprise, he had kissed her back. The small voice in the back of his mind, worrying about Lucy, was quickly pushed away. This was what he wanted – he had waited for a moment like this for years. A chance to hop on the train to being a normal guy, someone with girlfriends, exes, an emotional life. So under the sheets they went: he believed their activities would come to an end after this, resembling something of a “one night stand” as he’d heard people call it.

Man, was he wrong. The lust that awoke within him suddenly felt untamable: he needed her to satisfy him. It was years of pent up longing, though he still wasn’t sure for who he had longed. She seemed quite satisfied with their relationship though. Their sessions were intense, only lasting a day a month, so whatever they had could be kept a secret. Lucy and Happy didn’t have to know.

But soon enough, the two of them came to talk before and after their meetings. They’d talk about anything at first: the weather, recent news from the area, things that had happened on missions they’d gone to – she had listened to his advice way back then and started up as a novice witch, freelancing her way around while she got used to the good side of the wizarding world. Natsu was thrilled, because now he could share his struggle: they were both equally destructive in their ways. Between sessions they’d find themselves comparing ways they destroyed towns: Natsu still winning by a landslide, though to be fair, they weren’t yet exactly on common ground. She had many years ahead of her to sharpen her tactics – if getting more destructive was part of it, then so be it.

Natsu loved her ways. He found himself thinking this quite often. He loved how she laughed, how she moved, the things she did. Never having felt this before, he quickly got swept away by the intensity. Suddenly he met up with her multiple times a week, not even to do anything dirty – just to talk to her. She seemed to share his sentiment, not really initiating any major sessions unless the mood was really there: she was clearly interested in him back. When Natsu realised this, he thought he’d finally gotten back the good karma he’d collected over the years, that the universe owed him.

Before he could ask her out properly though, he felt like he had to stop this secrecy. He hated not being able to tell Lucy about things, and it felt weird that she knew everything about Lucy, while she knew nothing about her.

The plan was to just kindly drop the ball in Lucy’s lap. He’d tell her about her, keep his description of her short and clean, and then she’d slowly get used to the idea. It’s not like he didn’t know how special their relationship had been lately: they’d kept up the husband-wife act, she allowed him to share her bed, though nowadays he longed for her smell in it (he couldn’t tell Lucy that of course), they ate almost all meals together, and still went on missions. The only difference was that he was starting to like the idea of doing these things with her as well. And even he knew that he couldn’t have both: he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too.

His confession to Lucy hadn’t gone as he’d planned. He had taken her to this diner across Magnolia, made sure they took the long way there so they could enjoy their company a bit before he put his big news out there: in hindsight he realised it must have led her on. When they sat down, Natsu could barely contain himself. As soon as drinks were ordered, he grabbed her hands, sparkled in his eyes, and dropped the bomb.

“Lucy, I think I’m in love.”

As soon as he said it he let everything about her spill out. He couldn’t stop talking, it felt like he was in a daze: it felt so incredibly good being able to talk about this. To Lucy nonetheless. In fact, if you asked him then and there, he’d tell you he was in his version of heaven – and that being said knowing how great sex with her was. This, however, didn’t compare. Him and Lucy, no secrets, and he was in love. He’d be dancing on the table if the establishment was slightly less refined. So he talked and talked, about midday blue hair and eyes green as the forests from his childhood: and he didn’t see the way Lucy pressed her lips into a thin line, how tears threatened to build up in her eyes, or how her heartbeat got heavier. These were all things he would realise once he arrived back home, but wouldn’t be certain if it he’d just imagined or not.

If Natsu could go back in time and change how he had told Lucy, he absolutely would have, without a doubt in his mind. But that was only because in hindsight, he realised that Lucy might have harbored deeper feelings for him. He hadn’t realised it at first, dense as he often could be, but it was apparent once he took his usual trip to Lucy’s apartment just to find her doors locked, her windows closed and her blinds drawn. It was weird, caught Natsu off guard, and left him with a gruelling, dull ache in his chest. Did he prompt her to do this? Not wanting to draw any hasty conclusions, he went back every day the following week. Surely he’d catch her going outside to get groceries one of these days? But to his terror, she didn’t.

When he asked the guild about Lucy’s whereabouts, all he got was curt, dismissive answers. In a way, that answered his question: he was the cause of this. Even Happy had turned against him: he now spent most of his time in Lucy’s apartment. Natsu couldn’t blame him: he hadn’t told him about her until right after he’d gotten home from telling Lucy. Happy was Natsu’s oldest friend, so it was natural he’d hold a grudge if Natsu didn’t tell him about important things in his life. But that he’d be cooping up at Lucy’s place was the thing that set his theory in stone: Lucy must have had a crush on Natsu. There really wasn’t any other explanation. Happy was attached to Lucy, sure, but there had to be some sort of resentment from Natsu not going out with Lucy instead of the girl. Happy could be territorial in that way – he didn’t want new people to come and steal away Natsu’s attention.

For months things were weird in the guild. Natsu never knew how reliant the guild was on his and Lucy’s team: without them all working together as usual, it was like the mood in the guild hall had gone grey and stale. Natsu focused on solo missions, secretly doing them with her so he could get any extra help he might need. Sometimes it bugged him that Lucy wasn’t the one with him, but he brushed it off as just not being used to teaming up with someone who didn’t have the diversity of 15 different celestial spirits close by. Though it happened that he’d feel annoyed when she ignored clear instructions once again, causing double the amount of damage that was necessary for the mission. He suspected he was learning how it must have been working with him all these years.

Natsu couldn’t help but act like a busybody when it came to Lucy. He had promised himself to stay out of her business, but when he heard that she was looking thinner, he worried she didn’t have enough money for both rent and food: soon he started slipping a couple of thousand jewells to her landlady. Just so she’d keep her eye on Lucy for him.

One day he saw her there, in the guild, at the table with Levy and Cana. Before she noticed he was there she looked almost exactly like she used to: radiant, happy, gorgeous. The second she laid her eyes on him, her entire aura changed. With it, her normal appearance seemed to fade away as well. Suddenly he saw every pore in her face, felt her ragged breath in the air, noticed deep under eye bags contrasting the paleness of her skin. Her cheeks were sunken in and her muscles deflated – had he done this to her?

That’s when he started with the sympathy-smiles. He felt as stupid doing them as she probably felt receiving them, but before he could get out of it, it had become a habit. He’d draw the left side of his mouth, his lips pressed together as the corner of his mouth tried to turn into something of a smile, though it’d fail every time before it had a chance to turn upwards. Everytime he did it, he’d hear her swallow hard, smell tears in her eyes, and he’d feel the burning eyes of any fellow dragon slayers in the room – they all blamed him.

Natsu wasn’t sure he enjoyed living life like this. He loved her, without a doubt: they had finally become a couple, enjoying their date nights to the fullest. But even though he considered her a kindred spirit, he felt like something was missing. He wanted some contrast in their relationship. They could talk about something, find a word they didn’t quite understand, and then… silence. Silence where Lucy would kindly take her time and explain the word, its origin and how it was used: often with a couple of synonyms as well. That was how he even knew the word synonym. It was all thanks to Lucy.

Once, when they were thirty minutes into an intimate session, Natsu accidentally called out her name. Not her name, but Lucy’s. A faint whisper, right by her ear, making her jump out of bed quicker than he’d ever seen her move before.

“What did you just say?” She was grasping at her clothes, gathering them from the floor, distraught painted all over her face. “Lucy?”

Natsu fell over in bed, hurrying to cover his goods with the blanket.

“I- I don’t know. I didn’t mean to,” he tried. It was in vain, he realised, as he watched her blue curls swoosh with her very violent shaking of her head.

“No. It’s- it’s too weird, Natsu. I’ve known that you’ve loved her for a really long time, but I was stupid to think I could make you get over her.” She had tears prickling the corners of her eyes, though it looked like she was keeping them in check for now. She’d probably let them out as soon as he was out of sight. She tended to do that. Cover up any sign of weakness in case Natsu’s opinion of her would change. Maybe it would. He wasn’t so sure of himself anymore.

“Love? I don’t- not with her,” Natsu pressed his lips into a thin line, like his mouth had grown accustomed to recently. He never seemed to do his signature grin anymore: there was always something stopping him.

“How couldn’t it be love, Natsu? You always talk about her, you’ve preached to me how she changed your life! You’re one of the most romantic people I’ve ever met, but you were never romantic with me. It wasn’t me who you uprooted a tree for. It wasn’t me you turned into a demon for.” Her bottom lip quivered. “I know you want to love me. Maybe you do. But it will never compare. I’m sorry. Let’s end this here.”

Maybe she was right. Natsu watched her as she pulled on her pants and her shirt. He didn’t feel like stopping her from leaving. He didn’t like seeing her cry, but he wasn’t ready to do anything in his power to stop her. Though, his resolve on crying girls had been weak since some time back, considering that he didn’t drop everything in his life to stop Lucy from doing it. He’d become very similar to guys he had no respect for: he hated this.

When she was almost out the door, she stopped a second. Just a split second, hoping that he’d run forward to stop her. A quick glance over her shoulder: he looked like he was in his own world. She wasn’t sure he had ever really cared about her. In her eyes, they were practically kids, just swept away in the heat of the moment. His short obsession with her had only been a quick infatuation in comparison to what he had with Lucy. Everywhere they went, on every date, every topic: Lucy had seemed like a third party in their relationship. He spoke of her like she was the greatest person in the world, and though she couldn’t help but harbor a tiny bit of resentment for her, she also knew that Lucy must be a pretty amazing girl if she had managed to capture a flighty guy like Natsu.

__________

Natsu stayed at that hotel for a couple of days. He’d only told people he’d be gone for the night, back in the morning again, but they didn’t come looking for him despite his brief disappearance. He still couldn’t completely grasp what he’d done, but with every hour in that bed, the place he’d called out for Lucy instead of her in the depths of his passion, he found himself deeper in his realisations: he had fucked up.

He laid in unrest under the tan covers of the hotel duvet. He’d spent the last six months in his life in a daze, and now everything was rushing back to him in waves of regret, making him feel ill. He didn’t know how to fix this: life had turned upside down. He had messed up so badly, leaving his perfect life with Lucy and the guild, for a brief period to feel like a normal, shitty guy in puberty. Was it worth it? Destroying years of intimate friendship, breaking up the best team Fairy Tail had ever seen, leaving Happy behind to have irresponsible fun with a girl he barely knew?

He appreciated the time he’d gotten to spend with her, he really did, but it didn’t compare. Nothing gave him the sense of satisfaction that he’d reach from succeeding at a really silly prank in Lucy’s house. She didn’t give him the butterflies Lucy had given him when she traced flowers on his shoulder in the dead of night.

Natsu was still confused. The relationships he’d experienced were so vastly different: but didn’t he do everything right? He gave the nasty love a chance, to save his love for Lucy from the dirtiness. He thought he’d juggled the two of them, one would fill his body’s desires and the other his soul’s. Lucy wouldn’t have to see him as the horrid person he really was behind closed doors. She got to see everything else: his happiness, sadness, everything that made him the person he wanted to be. Surely she wouldn’t accept him if she knew the dirty dreams that would leave his underwear soaked in the morning. He didn’t accept that version of himself: how could she?

When he stood up from his fetal position in his bed, and finally went to the bathroom to wash his face, he didn’t recognise the person looking back at him in the mirror. It was him, technically. Pink hair, sharp, monolid eyes, pointy teeth. But he had wrinkles between his light eyebrows, his mouth couldn’t curl into his normal grin: his eyes didn’t follow his commands. He pulled at his cheek. Those lips had kissed her more times than he could count. They felt dry, and looked pale in the reflection. These weren’t lips allowed to kiss someone as important as Lucy. No, he was completely inadequate. His hair was choppy, after having tried to cut it back to his normal lengths with a pair of kitchen scissors. Cancer wasn’t able to help him with that anymore, but he missed how soft his hair could feel after 5 minutes under Cancer’s care.

His neck looked thin and stretched out, faint marks from passionate kissing the night before, still left on the sides. For some time he’d at least be able to cover it up with his scarf. His eyes continued to scan what the reflection showed him: his bronzy skin had a gray tint, his hair looked duller, and then those eyes. A bit red from not getting any sleep last night, but more importantly: they had completely lost whatever sparkle they had before. He wasn’t sure when he’d last taken a good look at himself – maybe this dullness came from the break up with her, but honestly? Deep down he knew he’d lost it months ago. It was like the horrible actions he’d consistently made had slowly desaturated him, leaving him an empty shell of what he once was. There was a time when he was proud of what he saw: he was righteous, tough and had a fiery determination – where had it gone?

He threw his scarf back on and went back to bed. Could he really deal with Lucy when he came back? Would she let him talk to her? He wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. But in a way, he thought he owed her at least the truth. He wasn’t completely sure what the truth was yet: if it was his love for Lucy he wanted to convey, or his regret over his past actions.

The thoughts churned in his mind like a storm that refused to settle. He turned in bed, his body refusing to settle. Soon enough the night was there again, coming back to taunt him: keep him up at night and make him reflect on the life that had led him up to this. It was all his fault. He had to gather himself though. Not able to figure out where to start, knowing this couldn’t go on. He owed Lucy something – an apology, a confession, or maybe just the clean cut, yet gory truth about what a mess he had become. Even if she slammed the door in his face, even if she never spoke to him again, he needed to face her. He needed to fix at least one broken thing in his life, even if it wasn’t repairable.

Morning light streamed in through the thin hotel curtains. It painted the room in soft, warm tones that felt at odds with the cold knot in his chest. Natsu sat on the edge of the bed, hands clasped tightly together as if trying to stop them from shaking. He’d never felt fear like this – not when he faced dragons, dark guilds, or any of the countless battles he’d endured. No, this was different. This was the fear of standing in front of someone he loved and knowing he had ruined everything.

His scarf felt heavier on his shoulders as he adjusted it. It smelled faintly of ash and campfire – a comforting remnant of the person he used to be. He clung to that thought as he forced himself to his feet. Every step toward the door felt like dragging a mountain, but he kept moving. He didn’t pack anything; there was nothing worth keeping from this place except the lesson it had burned into him.

The guild would notice his return soon enough, and he had no illusions about the reception waiting for him. Anger, disappointment, maybe even indifference – he wasn’t sure which would be worse. But none of it mattered. His focus wasn’t on Fairy Tail, nor on repairing his reputation. He wasn’t coming back to make amends with the guild. He was coming back for Lucy.

As he stepped out into the bustling street, the cool morning air hit his face, and for the first time in days, he took a deep breath. It didn’t cleanse him, not really, but it steadied his steps. He didn’t have a plan, and his words were as jumbled as his thoughts. All he had was the drive to see her, to stand in front of her and let her see what he couldn’t put into words.

Because if there was one person in this world who could look at him, broken and lost, and still see something worth saving, it was Lucy. And for that, he owed her everything.

__________

The streets leading to Lucy’s apartment felt eerily familiar, but every step carried a weight he couldn’t shake. Magnolia was alive as always – shopkeepers setting up for the day, townsfolk chatting – but the world seemed muted to him. His thoughts drowned out the noise, focusing only on the path ahead. He didn’t dare to look up, in case he’d see any familiar faces. The shame and guilt he dragged along him surely made his face look contorted, ugly and fake.

He stopped in front of Lucy’s building and tilted his head up. Her window was closed, curtains drawn. Was she even home? The question almost made him turn around. But his feet refused to move, as if the ground had anchored him there. He couldn’t run anymore.

The staircase felt steeper than usual as he climbed to her door, the wooden railing creaking under his grip. When he finally stood outside her apartment, he stared at the engraved number on the door, a number he’d never thought twice about before. Now it felt like a barrier, daring him to go through with this. 7. The number that had haunted him throughout his life: sometimes as an omen, other times as a sign of luck. He wasn’t sure what it represented today, but he knew he’d been blind for its positive connections for too many years.

His fist hovered near the door. For a moment, he hesitated, his knuckles shaking slightly. What if she didn’t answer? Worse, what if she did? What would he even say?

Natsu gritted his teeth, swallowed the thickness in his throat as his stomach protested in turmoil, and forced the thoughts away. He’d come this far; there was no turning back now. Taking a deep breath, he knocked firmly on the door.

The sound echoed in the narrow hallway, louder than he anticipated. For a moment, there was nothing but the sound of his breathing. Then, faint footsteps.

The doorknob turned, and the door opened just enough for Lucy’s face to peek out. Her expression was unreadable—neutral, but her eyes betrayed a flicker of surprise.

“Natsu?” she asked softly, her voice cautious. Her face was tense, like she was forcing away whatever her feelings tried to express through it.

He opened his mouth, but the words caught in his throat. Her gaze was steady, and for the first time in months, he felt like the world had stopped moving. He hadn’t seen her face this close in months. He didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry. It was her, his Lucy in the flesh. No, not his Lucy. He couldn’t call her that anymore. He hadn’t been able to for a long time.

“Hey,” he managed to croak out, voice low. He fidgeted with the edge of his scarf, trying to find the courage to say what he’d rehearsed in his head on the way here. “Can we… Can we talk?”

Lucy’s eyes searched his face, and whatever she saw there made her pause. She stepped back slightly, the door opening just a little wider. The air from her apartment leaked out, filling his nose with the wonderful nostalgia of their past life together. His heart ached. He had missed this so much.

“Yeah,” she said, after what felt like an eternity. “Come in.”

Natsu stepped inside, his heart pounding. He looked around, seeing her books stacked in neat piles and her celestial keys resting on the coffee table. Everything was just as he remembered, yet it felt like years had passed since he’d been here. He didn’t see any signs of the life they had lived together in there: the space he’d been given once to put his shoes in the hallway was filled with a pair of her sneakers. He didn’t see his coffee cup anywhere, waiting for him to return for it. The extra chair by the dinner table was gone as well, likely to distract her from the space it held for Natsu.

Lucy closed the door behind him and crossed her arms, leaning against it. “So?” she prompted, her tone guarded but not cold. How was she so calm? No, that wasn’t fair of him. She was probably experiencing the same internal emotional whirlwind that he was: she had just been able to practice hiding it.

Natsu took a deep breath. His fists clenched at his sides as he met her gaze.

“Can… we sit?”

Lucy hesitated for a moment, her eyes narrowing slightly, as if trying to decide whether she wanted to let this conversation happen. Finally, with a small nod, she gestured to the couch.

“Sure,” she said, her tone clipped. “Go ahead.”

Natsu moved toward the couch but paused before sitting. The cushions were the same ones he’d sprawled out on countless times, but now they felt alien, like he didn’t belong here anymore. He glanced over his shoulder at Lucy, who had yet to move from the door. She watched him silently, her arms still crossed.

“You can sit too,” he mumbled, his voice faltering.

Her lips pressed into a thin line, but after a moment, she pushed off the door and walked over, sitting in the armchair opposite him instead. The distance between them felt vast, and Natsu couldn’t tell if it was the physical space or the emotional wall she had carefully raised.

“So,” Lucy said, breaking the silence. Her tone was sharper now, though not unkind. “What do you want to talk about, Natsu?”

He fidgeted, running his hand through his messy hair and pulling at the fraying ends of his scarf. Words fought to form in his throat, but they all felt wrong, inadequate. He lowered his gaze to the floor, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Lucy let out a soft, humorless laugh. “For what?”

Her response caught him off guard. He looked up, startled, and found her staring at him, her expression unreadable but her eyes sharp.

“For… ya’ know… everything,” he said, his tongue feeling thick and clumsy. “How I let our relationship get all… messed up.” His fists clenched on his lap. They felt clammy. “I didn’t know how to deal with stuff, and I – I hurt you. I know I did. And I’m sorry.”

Lucy didn’t respond immediately. She leaned back in the chair, her fingers tracing the armrest as she studied him. He hated how he’d lost the ability to read her. Either he didn’t know how anymore, or she had decided that he wasn’t allowed to: that he would handle her emotions too poorly. He didn’t blame her.

“You’re right,” she said finally, her voice quieter now, tinged with a sadness she couldn’t fully mask. “You did hurt me. I’m embarrassed to admit that, but you… you really did.” She crossed her arms over her stomach, like she was trying to protect it from Natsu, like he’d dig her insides out if left unguarded. “Do you even know what that felt like?”

“I-” His throat tightened, and he looked down again, unable to meet her gaze. “I’m sorry, you gotta understand that I’m bad with words, I-”

“Do I?” She cut in, her voice cutting his heart open. “Do I always have to understand? Because honestly, Natsu? That’s not fair.”

He looked up at her in dismay. She looked like she was fighting tears. Did he really make her feel like this? He wanted to die. Gulping hard, he shook his head.

“N-no. Of course you don’t. That’s…” his voice mellowed out. “... my fault.”

Lucy didn’t answer. She was still waiting for his explanation – why he was here, why he’d found another girl and now didn’t seem to have her in his head anymore. She was still so confused.

“I don’t think I can give you an explanation you want to hear,” he shamefully laid out, observing Lucy’s cautious body language. “I’ll try, but… I’m not even sure where to begin.”

“How- why? Why her? Where did it all come from? Because… back when you still hadn’t met her, I thought the two of us were heading somewhere.” The blush on Lucy’s cheeks could have been from embarrassment or fighting off angry tears: Natsu couldn’t tell. And hearing these questions, he understood that he didn’t have an explanation at all. Because those questions were all without good answers; only words that didn’t carry any weight to them could even begin to describe Natsu’s explanation. Still, he had to give her something.

“I’m not sure when it started, or what got into me.” He felt like a child, trying to face the consequences of his mistakes head on. “I was so happy and content with what we had, it was so perfect. But I… Well, I’m not perfect. I wanted to have an outlet of some sort, and I knew from around the guild that the need I had- or, I guess, still have, is dirty. I couldn’t do that to you.”

Natsu wasn’t sure how Lucy was taking this. He didn’t dare to look at her, in case she was looking disgusted. His eyes were pinpointed to a stain on the coffee table. That’s how he felt: stained and unwanted. Still, he kept talking.

“So when I met her I thought I had the chance to relieve that need. She was nice, pretty and funny, and she seemed to be on board with that initial plan. But I quickly got greedy and thought that I could have you both. Then it got so intense that it all just escalated, and before I knew it there was no turning back. I had a girlfriend and she wasn’t you.”

His ears were making a buzzing sound. There was so much regret inside of him that his senses got dull, and no matter how much he tried to listen for Lucy, he didn’t hear her. She felt out of reach.

“I just… wanted to feel normal,” he concluded. “Everyone else experienced romance, I was… jealous, I think. But I didn’t dare to approach you about it back then. You’re so… perfect. I’m disgusting in comparison. I have impure desires, and I thought that… maybe, just maybe, I could handle those on the side, while still being with you. I never wanted our relationship to change. It’s always been too important, too pure. I didn’t want to jeopardize it.”

Natsu shifted uncomfortably on the couch, his fingers gripping the edge of his scarf like it might hold him together. He opened his mouth to speak, then shut it again, glancing down at his hands as he twisted the fabric tighter. He had nothing more to tell her. He’d opened his heart for her, and now his foot tapped against the floor in an uneven rhythm, filling the silence Lucy was yet to break.

“Did…” Her voice cracked. “Did you love her?”

Natsu froze at her question. The air in the room had already felt thick, pressing down on him with all the weight he’d just put out, but now it felt suffocating. He opened his mouth to answer, but the words felt like they were stuck in his chest. Did he love her? He thought he did at the time – hell, he was sure of it. It felt like the right answer, the right thing to say. But now, at this moment, the truth was much harder to pinpoint.

“I-” Natsu’s voice caught, and he slowly shook his head. “I thought I did. I thought I loved her... at first. It felt like... like something real. Something I’d never felt before.”

He finally dared to look up at her, and caught her gaze just as it softened, but her arms remained crossed, as though holding herself together against the uncertainty in his words.

“But you don’t know now, do you?”

“I... don’t.” He ran a hand through his hair, frustration building inside him. “It’s hard to explain. With her, it felt intense, and passionate... like I was... alive, you know? But it wasn’t the same as with you. Not like this.”

Lucy leaned forward slightly, her eyes watching him with careful understanding. “Natsu,” she said gently, “forgive me if I’m wrong, but I think that that wasn’t love. I think… that it was infatuation. Maybe lust. It probably felt intense because it was new, and because you were looking for something you thought was missing. But… I don’t think it was love.”

Natsu stared at her, his chest tight as he absorbed her words. “I... I thought I loved her,” he said quietly, his eyes darting to the floor. “But maybe you’re right. Though… now I don’t even know what love really is.” His voice trailed off.

Lucy exhaled slowly.

“Natsu,” she began, her voice quiet but firm, “I understand you felt something for her. But... lust isn’t something you need to hide or be ashamed of. It doesn’t make you a bad person. But it’s not love.” She paused, her expression unreadable. “Love... love is deeper. It’s not just about attraction, it’s about connection. About seeing the worst of someone and still choosing to be there. I don’t think you understand that yet.”

Natsu’s eyes flickered down, and he clenched his jaw.

“I know it’s different with you,” he said quietly. “I thought I loved her. I... did love her, I guess. But now... I’m not even sure what that was..” Taking a deep breath didn’t help calm his frustration. Why was this so damn complicated? “With you, I always knew it was different. I knew that what I felt for you wasn’t like what I felt for her. It wasn’t just about the physical stuff. It’s always been… more. But I was scared... that I’d ruin all we had.”

“What left is there to ruin though, Natsu?” She was soft spoken, but frank. Natsu knew she was right: he knew his rendezvous meetings with her had crumbled the relationship that he had hoped he and Lucy could keep. He messed up.

Lucy’s arms tightened across her stomach, her face softening but still distant. “You didn’t need to be perfect, Natsu,” she told him, her voice colder than before. “I never needed that from you. Didn’t you think to ask me what I wanted?”

Before Natsu could stop himself, he felt his eyebrow rise a notch. Lucy cleared her throat.

“I’m going to be honest. I didn’t know you valued purity that high. If I’d known, I’d gladly talk to you about it, help you through it. Lust was never the impure thing: our guild mates were the ones treating it as such.”

Natsu swallowed. He still wasn’t sure he had understood her. Lucy catched on quickly, and continued her explanation.

“Look; sex isn’t beneath me. It isn’t dirty – it’s neutral at the least, wonderful, loving and fulfilling in most cases. I don’t blame you for being confused, but what you did, how you treated both sex and her was wrong. Keeping that up wasn’t fair to her or me. But most importantly,” she reached out and poked on his left pec, “it’s not fair to you.”

That poke had felt like an arrow, killing the voice that had been justifying his actions up until now.

“I know,” he said, voice raw, like every word was a struggle. He didn’t dare to hide his shame. Why hide anything, when the cards were out on the table like this? “I know I screwed up. I just... I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t face it.” His fists clenched at his sides, the tension in his shoulders tight.

Lucy’s expression softened slightly, but her eyes were still wary. Instead of removing her hand from him, she softly cupped his face. Already he felt like she was purifying him, her touch holly.

“You’re facing it now though. That’s more than I can say that I’ve done. I’m sorry for not catching… all of this… earlier.” She took an airy breath before she continued. “You haven’t ruined everything though,” she added slowly, her tone quieter. “But if you don’t stop running, I don’t know what’ll be left to fix.”

Natsu’s breath hitched, and for the first time, he felt the weight of her words sink in. He leaned forward slightly, into her hand.

“I’m not perfect, Lucy,” he muttered, voice rough with regret, but there was a determination in his eyes. “But I want to try. If you’ll let me.”

Natsu’s words hit her like a physical blow, but Lucy swallowed the sting before it could show. She tried to steady herself, to push past the tsunami of emotions that was threatening to wash over her, but her chest felt tight. He was so honest, so vulnerable in a way she hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. It was painful, but somehow, it was also… so familiar. It hit her: she had missed him.

“I missed you,” she finally whispered, voice thick as she still held back tears. “But I didn’t just miss you, Natsu.” She hesitated, her hands unconsciously tightening into fists at her sides. “I missed… us. I missed the stupid little things we used to do. And it hurts. God, it hurts. Because every time I saw your face after everything, it felt like... like my heart was pulled in two.”

She looked like she was searching for something in his eyes, something that confirmed that he understood what he’d done. Not until her thumb slowly dried a tear off his face, did he realise that he had started to cry.

“I didn’t know how to keep going without you in my life. And now... I don’t know where we’re supposed to go from here.”

The silence that followed made it ring in Natsu’s ears. He stood still, the guilt in his chest growing heavier with each word. He wanted to speak, to apologize, but nothing felt like it could make up for the emptiness he had left behind. How could he explain to her that he never meant for it to go this far? That he had been terrified of facing what he felt for her?

“Lucy,” he started, taking a shaky breath. He only now realised he’d been holding it. “I messed up, badly. I was scared of... everything. Scared of not being enough for you, scared of being too much, scared of losing what we had. I didn’t know how to deal with what I was feeling, so I... ran. Tried to find it elsewhere. I know that doesn’t excuse anything, but I never wanted to hurt you. I didn’t know things would end up like this.”

Lucy carefully observed him, her expression unreadable for a moment, then she sighed. “Natsu, I get that you were confused,” she said, her voice quieter, more guarded. “But you still chose her. And that’s not something I can just forget. I wanted us to do so many things. But you weren’t there. I know I’m partially to blame, because I didn’t approach you either, but… you weren’t there for me.” Her shoulders slumped slightly, the weight of her own hurt sinking in. “I just... I don’t know if I can go back to that. I don’t know if I can trust that you won’t… replace me again.”

The tension between them thickened, and Natsu swallowed hard, his stomach twisting. He opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come. He hadn’t known how to be vulnerable before; he didn’t know how to start now, not with the mess he had made of everything.

Lucy continued, her gaze still wary.

“You weren’t perfect. I didn’t need you to be perfect, Natsu. I just needed you to be here. And you weren’t.” She let out a shaky breath, and for the first time, Natsu saw the pure agony in her eyes, the raw exhaustion of someone who had been holding on for too long. “I don’t know if I’m ready to try again. I don’t know if you’re ready, either.”

The words stung more than he’d expected. He had wanted to make it right, to find a way back to her, but he didn’t know if she could ever feel the same way again. For all he knew, this was the end for them. The real end. Still, he wasn’t ready to let go. Not yet.

“I want to try,” he said, his voice low but firm, his eyes never leaving hers. “I’ll prove it to you. Please.”

The silence between them stretched, thick and suffocating, like it was waiting for them to figure out how to breathe again. Natsu’s chest was tight, his heart hammering in his ribcage like it had never known stillness. His hands clenched at his sides, unsure of what to do with all this feeling that had nowhere to go. Lucy’s gaze stayed fixed on him, the distance between them too much, but too little. She didn’t pull away, not physically. But her eyes were guarded, like they always were now, like she was still trying to keep herself safe. Natsu wasn’t sure what he was doing, but the need to reach for her, to close the space, was so overwhelming he could barely think straight.

His breath hitched, and before he could second-guess it, his body moved forward, drawn to her like he had been all those months ago. There was a hesitation in her eyes, a softness to the way she looked at him that he hadn’t seen in so long. It was like she was still here, in a way he hadn’t expected. That didn't make everything okay of course. She was still hurt, still unsure, but there was something flickering in the way her lips parted slightly as he moved closer.

And then he kissed her.

It wasn’t anything spectacular. It wasn’t smooth or fluid or anything that could undo the mess they’d made. It was desperate, almost clumsy, two people trying to find something familiar in a sea of unfamiliarity. His lips brushed against hers, too hesitant at first, like he was afraid he would break her if he pressed too hard. But the feeling was there, just underneath everything, unrefined. The taste of her, the touch of her, something that felt so real it almost made him dizzy.

Maybe, if he lingered long enough, could he transfer all the words he wanted to say to her, but couldn’t because of a lack of vocabulary; let her feel the emotions he did, as he was more than willing to receive hers. Maybe this kiss could spackle their cracked relationship.

When they pulled away, the world around them still felt heavy to Natsu’s disappointment. Lucy didn’t look at him at first, her gaze somewhere far away. But when she did, her eyes were a mix of things – of confusion, of hurt, of something that looked like relief, all tangled together.

“I’m not... not ready,” she whispered, voice trembling, tears filling her eyes. “I don’t know if I ever will be. But I can’t... I can’t pretend like I don’t feel something, too. I don’t want to let go.”

The words stung, sharper than anything he expected. But it wasn’t rejection. Not really. She wasn’t telling him to leave, to forget everything. She was telling him that they were both still stuck in this. She was still afraid to fall into it, but she wasn’t pushing him away.

Natsu’s throat tightened, and for the hundredth time today, he couldn’t find the words. The guilt of what he had done – of hurting her – was still heavy, suffocating, but at least there was a chance now. A chance to do something different, to prove that he was willing to face whatever came next, no matter how hard it was.

“I don’t know what happens next,” he murmured, his voice rough. “But I’m here. I want to try. I won’t... I won’t give up on us.”

Lucy’s breath caught. There was a flicker in her eyes, a tiny thing that reminded him of the way she used to look at him – soft, but strong, and maybe a little broken. She didn’t know what to say, either, but she could see the sincerity in his eyes, the unwavering determination there, and something in her, something deep inside, softened. She didn’t have all the answers, but she knew one thing: she wanted this.

“I’m not sure either,” she said quietly, her voice calm now, steady. “But I know we can figure it out. We’ll work through it. Together.”

And in that moment, Natsu felt the weight of her words, the promise layed out in front of them. They weren’t whole yet, they weren’t where they used to be, but the foundation was still there – strong, despite everything. They had something real.

And as they sat there, just a little closer than before, Natsu realized that maybe the future wasn’t so uncertain after all. They had a long road ahead of them, sure, but they’d walk it together.

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