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toms-cherry-trees · 3 years ago

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For This Love || Tommy Shelby x Reader

Summary: You have fought for this love far too long, and you weren’t willing to let anyone take it away

Word Count: 3610

Warnings: Cheating, pregnancy, headcanon death, murder, Tommy and Grace are painted in a very bad light here, reader is unhinged AF

Author’s note: I wrote this while watching Crimson Peak and that should be enough to tell you what type of story this is. Not much romance, just a lot of angst, one sided love, vengeance, murder, honestly somebody get Guillermo del Toro on the phone (just kidding) So read at your own discression, for this is a dumpster fire

Part two here

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The things one does for love, you thought, suppressing a wave of nausea as the life gurgled out of your victim’s neck, warm and slick as it slipped around your fingers and stained the blade of crimson. The dark liquid pooled underneath you and drenched the hem of your skirt and the front of your stockings, seeping through the fabric into your skin.

You knew you were in love before you could fully comprehend what that meant. It felt like love when you kissed Tommy’s cheek during the summer fair, when the sun had almost set and the last faint rays of red in the sky illuminated his pale eyes. He had gambled two coins and won back a handful, which he used to buy you and Ada toffee apples and a white ribbon for your hair. Barely twelve years old, you knew right then, as you saw his last coins disappear in the dirty hands of an old woman just so you could ride a pony around the meadow, that you were willing to do anything for him.

It didn’t matter he only saw you as his sister’s best friend. You were infatuated with the boy of the dreamy eyes and the charming smile, the one with the tender hands who could calm a spooked filly with a single whisper, the boy who beat a man to near unconsciousness for mistreating his horse, the boy who always managed to have a coin to spare so his sister could buy a piece of candy, the one who saw tears run down your cheeks after someone bullied you, and proceeded to wipe your tears, and then bury that person’s face in the mud.

One time, when you heard from Ada about Tommy being ill in bed, your heart plummeted in your chest. With the wit proper of a falsely innocent child, you stole five coins from your mother’s handbag to buy him a bottle of medicine, fully aware his family wouldn’t be able to afford it. Your brother took the brunt of the theft, but you could make it up to him later. Tommy’s wellbeing was all that mattered.

Oh, the lengths you’d reach for his attention.

How long you’d wait for the unrequited love to be returned, you couldn’t know. Your affections remained solely focused on Tommy, while his heart fluttered away towards Greta Jurossi. You had seen them walking downtown, her hand in his bicep, their faces close together as they whispered sweet nonsenses. It made your blood boil, teeth grinding as you wished you could just wipe the Jurossi girl off the face of the Earth. Your reactions made Ada chuckle and roll her eyes. She believed you had already outgrown your crush on her brother, but instead it seemed to have grown stronger. She found it quite funny though, and never missed a chance to tease you about it or push you into Tommy’s way, much to his displeasure. In his eyes you were another sister, and his love wouldn’t move forward from that station.

While you were not willing to give up that easily, destiny had other plans.

First Greta fell ill. While you secretly yearned for her disappearance, you hadn’t hoped for any actual harm to go her way. But just as if all of your machiavellian thoughts had channelled bad energies towards her, consumption struck her, leaving those around her to helplessly watch her light fade away. During those three long months, rumours of restlessness and war began to spread, until the declaration of war on Germany arrived on August 4th, and recruitment began. They went after the young and unmarried first, both descriptions which fit the Shelby boys. Arthur left first to set an example, while John delayed his departure as much as possible to be with his sweetheart, who had recently birthed another baby. Tommy stayed until Greta’s passing.

The day after her burial, he stood in line outside the recruitment office.

Four years was a long wait. During that time, you were forced to see John go too, then your own brothers and friends, an endless supply of fresh meat to feed the insatiable beast awaiting in the Flanders fields. Polly took you in, being one of the few remaining she could trust, to put hands in the business while the war raged. Even with fewer mouths to feed money still ran tight, even more with the shortages of food and supplies, everything being hoarded by the war committee. You helped her knit socks and scarves for those in the front, and wrote endless letters, just to send them some warmth from home to hold onto during their lonely nights.

He came back a few times, either when they granted him leave, or whenever he had been promoted, all the way up to Sergeant Major. With the going and coming, you couldn’t help but notice the changes, physical and emotional. Whatever softness he used to have in his body turned to pure muscle, and he seemed to have grown taller too. A sharp jaw, sunken cheeks and deep set eyes replaced the once boyish face. The boy you had fallen for had ceased to exist, but your passion for the man remained just the same, even with time and distance trying to suffocate your flame. And for the first time, he gave in to your approaches.

He didn’t tiptoe around the business, bluntly flirting with you the first night home, and before midnight he had your dress on the floor. You woke up with your lips swollen and raw, feeling the ghost of his fingers over your skin. He didn't take it beyond what could be done with clothes on, even if you subtly encouraged him. But even in the joy of finally obtaining what you had so long desired, you couldn’t not notice how his drive didn’t come from love. It tasted like desperation, like urge, like fear. The imperious need to feel something, anything at all to remind himself he remained alive. Seeking the warmth the trenches had stolen from him.

As abrupt as it had started, one day like any other, the enemies surrendered and the trains returned filled with the ghost of those who had left, empty shells of the men they used to be. Bruised, battered, famished and some not quite right on the head. But for better or worse, they had made it back, and were kindly advised by their superiors to leave the war behind as quickly as they could and move on.

Tommy sought your bed again the first night back. With the same feverish desperation and cold passion. No love, no feelings, just the need to clench the thirst in the spring of your skin. Then he finally took what you had already claimed as his. And as much as you rejoiced in the tickling of his kisses in the crook of your neck, and the lingering burn of his hands on your thighs, the depths of your heart ached, aware of the lack of emotion in his touch. You wanted him to want your soul, not just your body. Yet you never lost faith that he would one day feel his heart pulling him towards you.

But time passed and everything remained more or less the same. Your parents were both taken by the Spanish flu, days apart from each other, and your brothers each moved on with their lives, forcing you to find a job to keep a roof over your head. You had sought for something simple, like a cashier or a secretary, but Polly would have none of it. She sat you behind a table to take bets in the shop, keeping a close eye on you. You were Ada’s age, and a girl that age alone to fend for herself could easily stray into a bad road. Little did she know you were past salvation.

Many nights you woke up tangled in Tommy’s sheets. Unbeknown to you, many of those nights he spent awake, staring at you from his desk chair and wondering what he was doing with his life. Toying around with a girl who deserved better and for whom he harboured troubled feelings, trying to build himself together but falling apart again every night.

And then she came around, the blonde from the bar, who threatened to burst your self-made bubble of happiness. It didn’t take much to notice how Tommy’s attentions drifted more and more towards her, pushing you slowly but steadily back into your old position of family friend and employee. When John told you about Tommy taking her to the races, blood boiled in your veins, green with jealousy for what wasn’t actually yours. You couldn’t figure out how to avoid losing what you never really had, but life had already found you a wicked way to keep him close to you.

With the ever-growing workload, the threats from the new copper, the threats from Kimber, the war with the Lees, and your own troubled feelings, waking up with an uneasiness settled into the pitch of your stomach had become habitual. Most mornings a tight knot kept you from downing anything other than warm milk, and the stress added to the lack of sustenance had begun to show on your face. It all came to a breaking point when one afternoon you went to put the cashboxes away in the safe; but no more than two steps you had taken when your knees buckled beneath you, unable to support your weight. The last thing you heard were rushed steps, then your forehead hit a desk, and everything faded into blackness.

Only God knows for how long you were out, but when you finally awoke, you were laid across a sofa in the front room, with John holding a rag to your forehead and, oddly enough, Polly grabbing onto your breast, weighing your flesh as if she were measuring an orange in the market.

“The heck are you doing?”

“(Y/N), how long have you been ill for?” Her severe tone made you forget about her hand nonchalantly groping you. You believed you had been hiding your unwellness good enough.

“Some three weeks now. It’s probably just lack of iron” You hoped that excuse would brush the incident under the rug, but instead had quite the opposite effect. Her eyes narrowed as she stood up abruptly, pacing the living room and mumbling profanities to herself.

“That fucker, that absolute blithering idiot. Does he ever use his head? Do men think with anything other than their cocks? I ought to cut it off for him, maybe he’ll learn his lesson that way. But he’s gonna hear me now, he isn’t getting away with this”

With that final promise thrown in the air, Polly grabbed her coat and left, leaving you alone with an equally bewildered John.

Too exhausted to go back home, you resorted to sleep the illness out on the same sofa, a blanket draped over your legs and a pillow under your head. Time had slipped away, and by the time the yelling coming from the betting shop startled you awake, the clock had already ticked past 10 PM. Shaking off your drowsiness and straining your ears, you tried to make up what they were talking about, but of course Polly decided to make it easy to you, her thundering voice being heard all down Watery Lane

“Is this how you want to proceed Thomas? Just like your father would have done? She’s just a girl, she’s alone in this world. You got her into this mess. It is your baby too”

Your heart sank. Baby? Whose baby?

You gave birth to a girl named Rosalie in the middle of the winter of 1920, three weeks after moving into a new house with your brand new husband, Tommy. Despite your excitement, you were no fool. You knew he had married you out of duty towards your child and, in Polly’s words, to make up for your lost honour. But now with you two sharing a home, a child, and with Grace away from your lives, you were confident this time would be it, this time your dreams would come true.

“Tommy?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you”

Silence. Tense, heavy, unbearable silence.

“Will you say it back?”

He rubbed his face. Stains of your lipstick remained smeared in his neck from the night before.

“I think Rosie is awake”

A moment later the pitter-patter of bare feet on wood echoed through the hallway. Your little ball of sunshine rushed through the door, immediately jumping onto the bed, overflowing with the energy proper of a soon to be three-year-old toddler. While she threw herself into your arms, demanding cuddles and breakfast, Tommy slipped away silently, taking refuge in his office at the end of the hallway.

This had become a common occurrence by now, him taking a safe distance whenever you tried to show emotion. For every ounce of unconditional love he showered your daughter with, he showed the same amount of indifference towards you. Tommy still shared your bed every night, provided for the family and performed his “husbandly duties” enthusiastically, but none of those actions filled in the gap left by his affections, or lack of them thereof. The flame hadn’t burned out though, still fueled by hope. Hope to be one day held in as much affection as you held him.

He would occasionally kiss your forehead, intertwine his fingers with yours or circle your body with his arm, but those times were few and far, and you wished he would utter the three little words at least once in a while. There were, however, brief moments of rawness, in which demons you couldn’t see plagued his sleep, and sometimes his waking hours too. Only during those vulnerable times did he seeked comfort in your touch, with his head buried in your bosom and his arms like vines caging your waist. More than once, in a whiskey induced haze, he begged you to never leave, imploring for your forgiveness and clamouring about how miserable and dark his world would be without you.

Refusing to let you in but unwilling to let you go.

After the business grew and Shelby Company was allocated an actual office, you took the job of secretary alongside Lizzie. You took calls on his private phone when he wasn’t around, so you were used to talking to all sorts of people. But what you didn’t expect was to hear a very familiar female voice on the other side.

“Shelby Company Limited”

“Is Mr. Shelby there?”

Blood froze in your veins. The apparatus slipped out of your grasp, clattering on the floor. You stood there, dumbfounded, staring blankly at the smooth wood. In just a split second, the cracks in your life had widened into an abyss. You were torn between startling fear of that woman’s return and thundering rage at the nerve she had to call. But your husband’s voice outside as he spoke to Lizzie shook your nerves away. Swiftly you put the phone back down, grabbed a pen and paper and pretended to be busy, just in time for Tommy to walk into the office. You barely looked up to acknowledge him.

“You should hang the phone” A side glance showed you your failure to put the speaker back in place. A silent curse escaped your lips as you hung it back up. Tommy said nothing more until he had hung his coat and poured himself and you a whiskey. “Who was it?”

“No one” You lied as easily as you breathed, locking eyes with him and accepting the glass “Just a nuisance”

Weeks passed by and no more contact was made, at least not that you were aware of. And you had gone through great lengths to eavesdrop on Tommy's every phone call, both at home and the office, and had gone as far as to bribe the phone girls to keep tabs. Always suspicious, always on edge, distrusting your own shadows like the women you had prayed to never become. The shunned, lovelorn, betrayed women turning a blind eye as the loves of their lives slipped away. But you refused to be that. You would defend with tooth and nail the integrity of your family, at any cost.

If the devil worked hard, you worked harder. Hard enough to recruit a new Blinder, one just for yourself, willing to respond to you and only you and to report on your husband's businesses in London. The one who told you about his stay in Ada’s place and the visit of an elegant blonde lady. By the time you arrived on scene, they had gone off, but if your devilish instinct worked, they would soon be back, so you sat back and waited in a nearby bar, which luckily served single women.

As minutes ticked away over your glass of stout, the brief conversation you had with your husband that very morning replayed over and over in your head.

“Tommy” You tentatively spoke from your spot on the bed, watching him tie his shoes.

“Don’t wait for me tonight, I have business in London”

“Tommy”

“I reckon I’ll be back tomorrow night, if Rosie or you need anything call Polly”

“Thomas”

“If anyone calls, don’t say where I am, just tell them I am unreachable for the time being and-”

His ability to ignore you was astonishing.

“Tommy I’m pregnant”

He straightened up, his back stiff as he turned to look at you like he was seeing you for the first time. You sat up, the sheets slipping off your naked frame and revealing the shadow of a growing bump he had been too oblivious to notice last night while he kissed down your navel. He had been more focused on leaving love bites on your chest.

“Polly says there’s two. Two boys”

Silence. Endless seconds of deafening silence. Tommy agape, the gears in his brain overworking to process your words.

“How did it-”

“Don’t ask me how babies are made”

He nodded slowly, aware of the stupidness in his words. He licked his lips, pondering how to proceed. He hadn’t expected more children from you, but you weren’t exactly taking any measures to avoid them. If anything, it was surprising this didn’t occur sooner.

“I will try to be back sooner. But I have to stay in London tonight” He stood up, fetching his coat on his way out.

“I love you”

He stopped for a brief second.

“I will be back”

That promise was as romantic as he could get.

But you refused to settle for crumbs of his love while he shared the prize with someone else. If he couldn’t resist the temptations, then you had to take them away from him.

As soon as he left, you called a taxi to the train station.

Your little spy fetched you from the pub, saying Tommy and his guest had just returned and gone back into the house. You slipped the boy a roll of bills and dismissed him. No witnesses needed for the night.

One didn’t have to be a genius to guess what happened behind the closed curtains. If you closed your eyes, you could see her golden hair gleaming in the soft light, his muscles flexing and stretching on his broad back, the garments scattered on the carpet. Silent tears rolled down your cold cheeks, but the pain only made your determination stronger.

Your nervousness increased with each passing second, fearing she would stay the night, but then you noticed your husband helping her with her coat in the foyer. Of course, Cinderella had to be back before midnight to her oblivious, betrayed husband.

You saw her walk out of the building without calling a taxi, surely to cover up her steps as much as possible. God forbid a soul saw her walk out of that house with messy hair and her stockings rolling down her legs. As soon as she turned the corner, you set off.

The clicking of her heels was the only sound to break the immovable silence. Your stalking steps were silent like a cat, always keeping enough distance so she wouldn’t even see your shadow. Right before she turned a corner towards a main street you pulled her by the arm into the dark portal of a building. Your knife silenced her scream before it made it past her lips. Poor soul didn’t even have time to see your face before consciousness left her. Her body crumbled and you went down with her, viciously digging the blade deeper, just to be sure.

Once you had been assured not even the power of the almighty could save her you slipped away from the scene, tucking your coat close to your body and keeping your stained hands in your pockets, still holding the knife. A few blocks away, a dizziness spell overcame you, making you stumble. You leaned against a wall for support, as the full weight of the night dawned over your shoulders.

Nervous laughter bubbled into your chest and fell out of your lips. But it was not joyous. The sounds were unhinged, borderline maniac, making you bend over to try and catch your breath. Halfway through, the cackles turned into sobs, powerful and suffocating, racking your body with maddening sadness and despair. Tears fell freely from your eyes, blurring your vision and clogging your throat. You slid down to the floor, curling into yourself, arms crossed over your belly as you attempted unsuccessfully to silence your cries.

The things we do for a love like this.

#tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby x you #tommy shelby x oc #tommy shelby #tommy shelby fic #tommy shelby one shot #tommy shelby imagine #tommy shelby fanfic #marsie posts #marsie writes

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uomo-accattivante · 3 years ago

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Excellent article about bringing a re-make of Ingmar Bergman’s Scenes from a Marriage to fruition, and the twenty-year friendship that Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain share:

There were days on the shoot for “Scenes From a Marriage,” a five-episode limited series that premieres Sept. 12 on HBO, when Oscar Isaac resented the crew.

The problem wasn’t the crew members themselves, he told me on a video call in March. But the work required of him and his co-star, Jessica Chastain, was so unsparingly intimate — “And difficult!” Chastain added from a neighboring Zoom window — that every time a camera operator or a makeup artist appeared, it felt like an intrusion.

On his other projects, Isaac had felt comfortably distant from the characters and their circumstances — interplanetary intrigue, rogue A.I. But “Scenes” surveys monogamy and parenthood, familiar territory. Sometimes Isaac would film a bedtime scene with his onscreen child (Lily Jane) and then go home and tuck his own child into the same model of bed as the one used onset, accessorized with the same bunny lamp, and not know exactly where art ended and life began.

“It was just a lot,” he said.

Chastain agreed, though she put it more strongly. “I mean, I cried every day for four months,” she said.

Isaac, 42, and Chastain, 44, have known each other since their days at the Juilliard School. And they have channeled two decades of friendship, admiration and a shared and obsessional devotion to craft into what Michael Ellenberg, one of the series’s executive producers, called “five hours of naked, raw performance.” (That nudity is metaphorical, mostly.)

“For me it definitely felt incredibly personal,” Chastain said on the call in the spring, about a month after filming had ended. “That’s why I don’t know if I have another one like this in me. Yeah, I can’t decide that. I can’t even talk about it without. …” She turned away from the screen. (It was one of several times during the call that I felt as if I were intruding, too.)

The original “Scenes From a Marriage,” created by Ingmar Bergman, debuted on Swedish television in 1973. Bergman’s first television series, its six episodes trace the dissolution of a middle-class marriage. Starring Liv Ullmann, Bergman’s ex, it drew on his own past relationships, though not always directly.

“When it comes to Bergman, the relationship between autobiography and fiction is extremely complicated,” said Jan Holmberg, the chief executive of the Ingmar Bergman Foundation.

A sensation in Sweden, it was seen by most of the adult population. And yes, sure, correlation does not imply causation, but after its debut, Swedish divorce were rumored to have doubled. Holmberg remembers watching a rerun as a 10-year-old.

“It was a rude awakening to adult life,” he said.

The writer and director Hagai Levi saw it as a teenager, on Israeli public television, during a stint on a kibbutz. “I was shocked,” he said. The series taught him that a television series could be radical, that it could be art. When he created “BeTipul,” the Israeli precursor to “In Treatment,” he used “Scenes” as proof of the concept “that two people can talk for an hour and it can work,” Levi said. (Strangely, “Scenes” also inspired the prime-time soap “Dallas.”)

So when Daniel Bergman, Ingmar Bergman’s youngest son, approached Levi about a remake, he was immediately interested.

But the project languished, in part because loving a show isn’t reason enough to adapt it. Divorce is common now — in Sweden, and elsewhere — and the relationship politics of the original series, in which the male character deserts his wife and young children for an academic post, haven’t aged particularly well.

Then about two years ago, Levi had a revelation. He would swap the gender roles. A woman who leaves her marriage and child in pursuit of freedom (with a very hot Israeli entrepreneur in place of a visiting professorship) might still provoke conversation and interest.

So the Marianne and Johan of the original became Mira and Jonathan, with a Boston suburb (re-created in a warehouse just north of New York City), stepping in for the Stockholm of the original. Jonathan remains an academic though Mira, a lawyer in the original, is now a businesswoman who out-earns him.

Casting began in early 2020. After Isaac met with Levi, he wrote to Chastain to tell her about the project. She wasn’t available. The producers cast Michelle Williams. But the pandemic reshuffled everyone’s schedules. When production was ready to resume, Williams was no longer free. Chastain was. “That was for me the most amazing miracle,” Levi said.

Isaac and Chastain met in the early 2000s at Juilliard. He was in his first year; she, in her third. He first saw her in a scene from a classical tragedy, slapping men in the face as Helen of Troy. He was friendly with her then-boyfriend, and they soon became friends themselves, bonding through the shared trauma of an acting curriculum designed to break its students down and then build them back up again. Isaac remembered her as “a real force of nature and solid, completely solid, with an incredible amount of integrity,” he said.

In the next window, Chastain blushed. “He was super talented,” she said. “But talented in a way that wasn’t expected, that’s challenging and pushing against constructs and ideas.” She introduced him to her manager, and they celebrated each other’s early successes and went to each other’s premieres. (A few of those photos are used in “Scenes From a Marriage” as set dressing.)

In 2013, Chastain was cast in J.C. Chandor’s “A Most Violent Year,”opposite Javier Bardem. When Bardem dropped out, Chastain campaigned for Isaac to have the role. Weeks before shooting, they began to meet, fleshing out the back story of their characters — a husband and wife trying to corner the heating oil market in 1981 New York — the details of the marriage, business, life.

It was their first time working together, and each felt a bond that went deeper than a parallel education and approach. “Something connects us that’s stronger than any ideas of character or story or any of that,” Isaac said. “There’s something else that’s more about like, a shared existence.”

Chandor noticed how they would support each other on set, and challenge each other, too, giving each other the freedom to take the characters’ relationship to dark and dangerous places. “They have this innate trust with each other,” Chandor said.

That trust eliminated the need for actorly tricks or shortcuts, in part because they know each other’s tricks too well. Their motto, Isaac said, was, “Let’s figure this [expletive] out together and see what’s the most honest thing we can do.”

Moni Yakim, Juilliard’s celebrated movement instructor, has followed their careers closely and he noted what he called the “magnetism and spiritual connection” that they suggested onscreen in the film.

“It’s a kind of chemistry,” Yakim said. “They can read each other’s mind and you as an audience, you can sense it.”

Telepathy takes work. When they knew that shooting “Scenes From a Marriage” could begin, Chastain bought a copy of “All About Us,” a guided journal for couples, and filled in her sections in character as Mira. Isaac brought it home and showed it to his wife, the filmmaker Elvira Lind.

“She was like, ‘You finally found your match,’” Isaac recalled. “’Someone that is as big of a nerd as you are.’”

The actors rehearsed, with Levi and on their own, talking their way through each long scene, helping each other through the anguished parts. When production had to halt for two weeks, they rehearsed then, too.

Watching these actors work reminded Amy Herzog, a writer and executive producer on the series, of race horses in full gallop. “These are two people who have so much training and skill,” she said. “Because it’s an athletic feat, what they were being asked to do.”

But training and skill and the “All About Us” book hadn’t really prepared them for the emotional impact of actually shooting “Scenes From a Marriage.” Both actors normally compartmentalize when they work, putting up psychic partitions between their roles and themselves. But this time, the partitions weren’t up to code.

“I knew I was in trouble the very first week,” Chastain said.

She couldn’t hide how the scripts affected her, especially from someone who knows her as well as Isaac does. “I just felt so exposed,” she said. “This to me, more than anything I’ve ever worked on, was definitely the most open I’ve ever been.”

“It felt so dangerous,” she said.

I visited the set in February (after multiple Covid-19 tests and health screenings) during a final day of filming. It was the quietest set I had ever seen: The atmosphere was subdued, reverent almost, a crew and a studio space stripped down to only what two actors would need to do the most passionate and demanding work of their careers.

Isaac didn’t know if he would watch the completed series. “It really is the first time ever, where I’ve done something where I’m totally fine never seeing this thing,” he said. “Because I’ve really lived through it. And in some ways I don’t want whatever they decide to put together to change my experience of it, which was just so intense.”

The cameras captured that intensity. Though Chastain isn’t Mira and Isaac isn’t Jonathan, each drew on personal experience — their parents’ marriages, past relationships — in ways they never had. Sometimes work on the show felt like acting, and sometimes the work wasn’t even conscious. There’s a scene in the harrowing fourth episode in which they both lie crumpled on the floor, an identical stress vein bulging in each forehead.

“It’s my go-to move, the throbbing forehead vein,” Isaac said on a follow-up video call last month. Chastain riffed on the joke: “That was our third year at Juilliard, the throb.”

By then, it had been five months since the shoot wrapped. Life had returned to something like normal. Jokes were possible again. Both of them seemed looser, more relaxed. (Isaac had already poured himself one tequila shot and was ready for another.) No one cried.

Chastain had watched the show with her husband. And Isaac, despite his initial reluctance, had watched it, too. It didn’t seem to have changed his experience.

“I’ve never done anything like it,” he said. “And I can’t imagine doing anything like it again.”

###

#oscar isaac #jessica chastain #scenes from a marriage #hagai levi #michelle williams #elvira lind #behind the scenes #article

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57greenstreet · 3 years ago

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Gossip Guy podcast with Willem De Schryver

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYjtRYOGS00

translated by @jackfrostsander @bruisingknees @lblogss @yousmina and me :)

E: I do have another present for you.

W: Oei oei oei, presents.

E: I do that every week. I give something to my guest of the week.

W: Oei oei oei. Do I slide it?

E: Here in the front is a flap that you have to fold upwards…

[Intro]

E: Wassup people, welcome to a new episode of the Gossip Guy podcast. My name is Ender Scholtens and today I’m here with Willem De Schryver. Everything ok?

W: Sure sure (In Dutch sure is used as a confirmation to a question).

E: Is this your first podcast?

W: Yes, this is my first podcast.

E: Stress?

W: No, it will be fine, right? Relaxed.

E: I don’t know… (laughing). For the people who don’t recognize you, from where could they know you?

W: Hmmm, probably from the youth series WTFOCK where, in the third season, I play the role of Sander.

E: And we are allowed to talk about it in this podcast.

W: Yeah I also heard that. Yes, it’s over.

E: Was it a difficult chapter of your life to close?

W: Yes, I still clearly remember the last moment… Like really the last last scene at the sea… That was an emotional moment because you went through a lot as a group, you did a lot together, and emotional scenes, intimate scenes. But yes, I think, if I speak for the whole group that it was a goodbye to the series but not a goodbye from each other. We still keep in contact. Mainly through WhatsApp.

E: Yeah, the end of the series was beautiful. I sat next to my girlfriend when it just came online. Because there were a few scenes that we hadn’t seen yet and we were just watching them… And we refreshed and the last episode was online… The last piece was online… So, I thought… I really cried… It caused quite some emotions.

W: For many people… Also under the cast and even the extras that were present for that last scene… Even among them. I can remember that they got emotional because it really was over over. I think that we, WTFOCK, have been able to impact a lot of young people in Belgium. So, it’s beautiful… We closed it beautifully…

E: I don’t doubt that. I really liked the end. What is your favorite memory from your whole WTFOCK experience?

W: Hoh, hmmm. Do I have to choose one? Difficult to choose one… I think that the most enjoyable moments… At the end of each series… Almost… We were at the sea or in the Ardennes, as a group, for a vacation. Away together. And those moments… Away with the whole cast and crew… Being away for a whole weekend. And in the evening, talking late into the night and that creates a special connection and I think that, in general, was the most enjoyable… Yes, it affects me… You share, as a young person, a common dream or something we want to realize as an actor to succeed and everyone who works so hard for that… That’s nice to see.

E: I recently talked to Veerle and I know that if she sees Nora, like somewhere, say at a party… Then they stay together for the whole evening… Do you have that? With who did you have the best connection throughout that whole experience?

W: Yes…

E: That doesn’t mean that the rest is not chill or so…

W: No the rest is all stupid… There’s only one person… I hate you all! (joking) No! Yes, hmmm, I think that I definitely have the best connection with Willem. Just because we have been through a lot… I always compare the WTFOCK crew a bit to my own friend group, aside from the cast. I mean, I know to whom I can go for what. I know I can go to some if I feel sad, to talk and I know who I can go to to have a laugh. And who I can go to to have a general chat. And everyone has their qualities or like their own aura around them… Where I love to hang around. So, it differs from person to person. So, it’s hard to choose one person but Willem then in the sense that, if you jump naked together in a swimming pool and if you have intimate scenes together… That creates a connection, of course. So, yes, if I have to choose one person…

E: Is there a barrier that you have to overcome to play such scenes? Because they are very intimate, indeed. And I, personally, couldn’t imagine… I can’t act… But, to empathize with a role… To play such scenes… Is that difficult for you?

W: Huh, yes, that’s a question I get often. I mean like… Yeah and you have to empathize with that character… But yes, you step into that project with a certain professionalism and you say “okay, we are going to create a story and bring it to the public with certain values and that we want to tell something and show something” …So, yes, you don’t really think about it. So, it’s not like I thought “Ooooo, I am kissing with a boy but I am interested in girls”. That was not a problem for me because it really is about telling the story and making that together and if the story requires that then you just completely go for it.

E: That’s cool. What are your future acting ambitions? You now have played in a series, is that something you want to do more in the future or do you like theatre more or movie or…

W: I find it difficult to choose between theatre and film, for example. After WTFOCK I played in Déjà Vu, which you can see on Streamz and later this year on Channel 4… And I study theatre at KASK. And I notice the difference, due to the recordings, I am really in the field and I am busy and I work, while at school I learn new things about theatre… So, in my opinion I have more experience in television work because I actually have done projects for that and I haven’t yet for theatre, which is still school and learning. So, I think it’s currently hard to choose but I think, maybe it’s a cliché answer, but the combination is maybe ideal, of course. But I am still exploring and I will see how it goes…

7:02

E: What is your favorite food?

W: My favorite food?

E: Yes.

W: Hmmmm, in the past I was really a basic guy… Like spaghetti bolognese or so… But now, generally after my exams, I go to a restaurant with my grandma. She always buys. That’s always amazing. I am a fan. And I always take steak tartare with fries. That remains a bit of a guilty pleasure.

E: How long, do you think, would it take you to eat five full plates of spaghetti bolognese?

W: Hoh, hmmm. The thing is, my stomach is rather small…

E: Small?

W: I think that I would have to schedule in… Okay, after a certain time I would have to throw up and then eating further…

E: You’re allowed to take a break. You’re allowed to say… Okay, I take a few days…

W: No, no, not that…

E: You’re going to do it in a day?

W: Look, two plates… Three if I really push…

E: You get preparation time so you know like a week before… So, you can like…

W: Train yourself?

E: Yes, train…

W: Hoh, alee say about four hours…

E: Four hours?! Five plates, he? Like five really big plates…

W: Yeah but yeah, four minutes… I am exaggerating… Let’s say a day… In a day five plates…

E: Ok, that should work. Then you basically have every meal… Breakfast… Lunch… Dinner… and in between… pasta…

W: Pasta as breakfast…

E: One day should definitely be feasible.

W: Yes, indeed.

8:49

E: What is, according to you, the reason you were placed on this planet?

W: Fuck (laughs).

E: Existential crisis, okay? Have you never thought about what the purpose of life is and what…

W: Yes, certainly… Hmmm, I'm someone who worries a lot. When I'm in bed in the evening I start to think about questions like that and then I think “what am I doing? Willem… where do I want to go to and…” Hmmm, why was I put on this planet? Hmmmm… (speechless followed by laughing). This is really bad… It’s like I don’t value myself…

E: Noooo, but I didn’t expect a deep philosophical answer. Well, if you had one… really good but…

W: Okay I’m going to think about my philosophical answer… but no. If you want… No! Yes, now I'm really going to sound philosophical but… (crosstalk) Everyone who is on earth has a certain reason to be here and everyone… I for example have that… I really feel that… I never liked going to school. Especially, in lower and high school. I… I actually, on purpose, put my fingers in my throat in the morning to throw up…

E: Wow, that’s heavy…

W: And then going downstairs to say “papa I’m ill, can I stay home?” I don’t know why but that whole system… Sitting behind a desk all day… And those classes… that was not for me. And then I discovered my passion for acting and discovered that it really suited me. And that’s the thing… A lot of people often ask me like “how did you start?” and “I also would like to do that and where do I start and I have been rejected does that mean I am not good enough?” but I think that sometimes you shouldn’t rush to find your passion. It can take longer then you would like it to take. I think that if you too intensively search for "what am I good at?" and “I have to find something that I am good at” and… For me that’s happened unexpectedly. I did take acting classes on Wednesday afternoons after school and I kind of got into it like that… I think it differs for everyone and that everyone has their own purpose here on earth.

E: And would you say your purpose is acting?

W: Yeah…

E: There isn’t a right answer but how does it feel for you at the moment? Is that the thing you love doing the most or do you see yourself doing for a long time?

W: The thing is… I’m a person who gets tired of things very quickly. I’ve had a lot of hobbies.

E: So maybe next week you want to garden or something?

W: No, no I wouldn’t say that. No the thing is, with acting that isn’t the case. Since I was twelve… well first on amateur level…

E: How old are you now?

W: 19.

E: Oh wow I thought you were my age. 19… damn bro you’re three years younger than me.

W: 2001 represent.

E: That’s literally… you’re the same age as my brother! What the shit. Alright, no okay.

W: In November so almost 2002. I’m really a latecomer.

E: What?! You look like you’re the same age as me and everything.

12:14

W: But that’s honestly – thank you for saying that! I always used to be the “little guy.” None of the girls wanted to be with me cause they just thought I was cute.

E: I see.

W: And they came to me to talk about their love lives.

E: Oh, okay.

W: So I was always that guy who was like: “I’m in love with you.” “Oh, how cute! You’re so cute!” So I was always like: “Okay then, I’m never going to find anyone, I’m always going to stay… short. I’ll be all alone.” And then all of a sudden I –

E: Do you think height matters in regard to your chances with certain… people?

W: At this age I don’t think it does anymore, but I do think that – I think at – I just remember in high school that the romantic idea of what love was supposed to look like was very: a boy and a girl, and the boy has to be taller and stronger and bigger than the girl. But I think that now it’s more… I mean, at my age I’m convinced it’s more fluid than that, and it doesn’t have to be that way. So it doesn’t have to be an issue anymore.

E: But still, when you go on Twitter, short guys are still –

W: Yeah.

E: Totally annihilated.

W: I have notice – I have noticed – Yeah, it’s still… It’s still this… general thing that people get stuck on. Like: “Oh, a short dude. That’s not okay.” Or whatever.

E: Or like the guy has to be taller. But no, we’re – we’re – not… not all relationships… we’re really generalizing here. But I get what you mean.

W: Yeah.

E: No, it’s – I do think it’s still important. I think that when you’re, and this is really harsh, but that a lot of people look at you differently when you’re taller. I have this dude in my friend group, Louis Ledegen, and he’s close to 2 meters tall, and just some girls look at him and they just think that’s so… attractive or whatever. And I just can’t even imagine.

W: I don’t get that either.

E: That that makes them go like: “Wow!”

W: I was in the train just now and this dude walked by me and he was honestly like 2 meters tall and I was just thinking: “When you’re that tall, and you’re with…” I mean, the girl almost has to get on a stepping stool to reach him for a kiss! And girls are like – I mean, I’ve heard before that girls think it’s attractive when a man is really tall.

E: Yeah.

W: And yeah, I don’t know… I don’t totally get it.

E: No.

W: Maybe it’s cause I’m not that tall myself, that I’m like trying to protect myself and be all: “That’s not necessary!”

E: Yeah! If anybody knows the answer, do we, being shorter guys, have less of a chance?

W: Let us know, please.

14:53

E: Please let us know! We need some answers! Now in the show, wtFOCK, your hair’s a different color.

W: Yeah.

E: Yeah. Is that something… So that was actually – it wasn’t really blonde?

W: It was completely bleached.

E: Bleached.

W: It was more to the… But the thing is that they had to do it twice, cause the first time… I got there, for the first table read with the director and Willem [Herbots] and they were like: “Hey, Willem. We wanted to ask you something. We’d like to bleach your hair for the role.”

E: Yeah.

W: And I was like: “… Okay.”

E: Okay.

W: “And why?” No. “Just for the character and stuff.” So I was like: “Okay. That’s fine.” The thing is I had to be at the hairdresser for 4 hours for this.

E: Oh wow, heavy.

W: It was like this and this product, and it had to sit for a long time. It had to be bleached all over. And I got out of there the first time and I was completely yellow – but yellow like an egg.

E: Oh, shit!

W: And I… My mom dropped me off, and I texted her: “I’m done, will you come get me?” And I saw my mom approach and she just passed me by.

E: Oh wow.

W: She didn’t – she almost didn’t recognize me anymore. Like halfway - she was like – and then she was like: “Oh! Willem!” Like she hadn’t seen –

E: Oh shit.

W: That it was me. That I looked completely different. And then I arrived for another table read and Tom [Goris – director] was like: “Yeah… We’re not gonna go this route… This is too yellow.” So then I spent another 4 hours at the hairdresser. After that I had to be there for four hours almost every month. I did think it was cool to have bleached hair, but… You have to be at the hairdresser for so long, so that really wasn’t… my thing. I mean, I had some really cool moments with Mitch [Fabry – hair & make up wtFOCK]. Thanks, Mitch.

E: Would you ever dye your hair again?

W: Uhm.

E: Maybe another color?

W: Yeah, I don’t think so. I’m quite happy with my hair color, actually, I don’t know.

E: Alright.

W: Now it’s also like… Everyone always asks me: “So this is your natural hair color?”

E: Yeah.

W: And then I have to tell them: “Yeah.” And it’s like: “Oh, okay!” It’s this switch. But no, I’m happy with my hair. It’s fine.

17:03

E: I can also tell that you’ve got an earring? You can’t really tell on camera, but –

W: I’ll come a little closer [to the camera]. Yeah, I only got it recently, four weeks or something.

E: Yeah. Was it an impulsive, drunken decision, or something you wanted… for some time?

W: I’ve wanted it for a long time, but I was a little anxious about it like: “It’s not gonna look good on me,” and then after a while, a couple of months ago, I was like: “Fuck it, I’m just gonna do it.” And if it didn’t look good I could still just take it out, so it doesn’t really matter. But all in all I was pretty happy with it. My father, my parents – my mom: “Oh, so nice!!” And it was like – at first they give you a stud and then after four weeks you can change it to a hoop. And I really wanted a hoop, and I even asked the people in the (piercing) shop: “Can’t I please just get a hoop straight away?” And they were like: “No, sorry, it doesn’t work like that. For hygiene reasons that’s not okay.”

E: Okay.

W: But okay, so I had to wait four weeks and then eventually I could change it to the golden hoop. So I get home and the first thing my father said was: “Wow, you look like a douchebag.” That was the first thing out of his mouth, that I looked like a douchebag.

E: Is that the look you were going for?

W: No, not at all! Not at all!

E: I think it looks cool.

W: Thanks.

E: Cause a little while ago I wanted one, and so I put on my girlfriend’s earring – because even if your ear isn’t pierced it sticks a little –

W: Yeah.

E: And so I just put it on there for a day or something, and then I was like: “Okay, that’s quite enough.” I don’t know if I’d want it for longer than that. Recently I’ve been getting into rings and stuff though.

W: I wore rings for a long time, but I don’t have any anymore. I actually want – I like them too. But I have to –

18:47

E: If I’d known, I would’ve brought you a gift!

W: Go shopping. Goddamn!

E: I did bring you another gift though!

W: Another gift? Oei oei oei, gifts!

E: This is something I do every week, I give my guest of the week something.

W: Oei oei oei.

E: It’s just…

W: Do I just slide it –

E: There’s a little hatch over here, that you have to lift, and then you can just lift it like that. There we go.

W: There we go.

E: White hairspray.

W: If I’d want to go back to – there we have it. Too good.

E: It can be washed out really easily as well. So this way you don’t have to be at the hairdresser for like four hours. And then when you’re sick of it, you can just get rid of it again!

W: That was the thing… Thank you, by the way.

E: You’re very welcome.

W: Now I can go back – Now I can go back to my past life. No, that was the thing as well. People who – people who - after wtFOCK came online, people really recognized me with the white hair. I mean, it’s pretty noticeable, when I’m walking through Ghent station – if someone with bleached hair. I mean, if you watch the show, I can imagine that when you see someone with bleached hair, you immediately connect the two and think: “Oh, that could be him.” And then you run in to some people who ask for pictures. After that my hair was really short, cause the people from Déja-Vu were like: “We’re not gonna do this, just go back to your natural hair color.” So I cut it all off, and there was this time where… nobody came to talk to me anymore. I was able to just be myself again. It was as if – looking back on it, it was actually really nice that for wtFOCK I was able to completely get into a different character with different hair. And the first time I got rid of the hair I really noticed that was no longer being associated with the character.

E: Hannah Montana vibes! Your hair changes color and nobody knows who you are anymore.

W: “Who are you?”

E: “Who the fuck are you?!”

W: “Does anybody want to take pictures with me? It’s me! It’s me! I swear!”

E: “I’m that dude from wtFOCK! I’m that dude from wtFOCK!”

W: So if people don’t recognize me anymore I can just… *pshhht* in the morning.

E: Exactly! If you want to take some more pictures, you can just…

W: No, no. That’s fine. No, yeah.

E: It’s kind of crazy, actually. Because, honestly? The very first time I saw a flash of you, with this hair color, I also thought: “I recognize you from somewhere…” But I think I’d already gotten in contact with you through social [media] and I didn’t put two and two together that you…

W: Yeah.

E: “Aaah!”

W: “Aaah! You’re that guy!”

E: Yeah, so…

W: But that’s the whole thing. If someone recognizes me, which doesn’t happen that often by the way, it’s always – I think it’s funny to be like: “No, that’s not me.”

E: No.

W: People really start doubting themselves, it’s very: “Uhm, can I ask you a question? Are you that guy from wtFock?” “Me? No.”

E: “No!”

W: “That’s not me.” And people will often be like: “Oh? What? But I recognize you…” That doubt on their faces is pretty funny but yeah, then I tell them it’s me.

E: Just the reaction of someone being like: “Huh, do I know you from somewhere?” “Do you watch porn?”

W: The confrontation.

E: “Oh… qmdkjg.” And it’d be even better if the parents were right there as well. “Argh!”

W: “Yes, Jürgen, care to explain yourself, young man?”

E: No, it’s just funny to joke about. But you’ve never – Do you just get: “Hey, are you that guy from wtFOCK?” Or have people also asked you: “Do I know you from somewhere?” Or: “What do I know you from?”

W: Yeah, it depends. The thing is – I go to school in Ghent and when the [popular place where college students go out] was still open before Covid-19, not that I went there often because I didn’t really like it there –

E: No.

W: - in the sense that the combination of young people who –

E: Watch wtFOCK.

W: - watch wtFOCK and alcohol – and people who’ve had alcohol to drink –

E: And are horny?

W: - their limits or boundaries are just gone. “Oh my god!!! You’re that dude from wtFOCK!! Can I kiss you??” Things like that!

E: Oh, fuck!

W: And I was really like: “Okay…?” I’m just a regular dude and I’m trying – and I actually thought it was less annoying for myself, but I thought it was more disruptive for my friends. Like even when we were just walking down the street, we got recognized a couple of times, and I was just like: I just want to have fun with my friends, and not have to spend too much time thinking. That’s another thing I was subconsciously thinking about. Imagine I drink way too much.

E: Yeah.

W: And I end up in the gutter somewhere, and people start filming that… So yeah, that made… So because of that I spent more time in friends’ dorm rooms just having dorm parties.

E: And since your bleached hair is gone, have you gone to a party?

W: When my bleached hair was gone corona was already a thing so I haven’t been able to enjoy it. But it’s starting to come back [the parties] so that’s nice. I’m looking forward to… tomorrow I’m going-

E: Are you going as well?

W: Are you going to Plein Air by Fuse?

E: Tomorrow I’m going to Jaimie Lee who-

W: …Is going to DJ at three festivals.

E: Yeah at three festivals and I will be backstage I guess.

W: Okay.

E: One of those festivals?

W: Yeah I don’t know. I have tickets for Fuse Open Air in Brussels.

24:19

E: I honestly have no idea where I’m going. Anyway, I’m excited. And I always asked, what’s the first event you went to ever since it’s allowed? Did you go to We Can Dance festival?

W: No I was studying.

E: Was today your last exam or yesterday?

W: Yesterday was my last exam in the morning. I was stressing so much, because I thought I would fail, but eventually I think it went relatively well. If you’re watching professors, let me pass please. No I think it went well.

E: Are you someone who is stress resistant?

W: Uhh no.

E: No?

W: I let it take over my body.

E: You get physically unwell?

W: I will be laying in bed and I’m tossing and turning and sweating. And I think about how I’m not gonna pass tomorrow. And the combination with my worries is really not good. It makes me stay up really late. The thing is with stress resistant, I for example made my own play at high school about a kid with divorced parents for my final work and the whole audience was filled with my family and my parents. That’s pretty confronting to tell a story that’s also a little bit of their life and is pretty personal. I’m always stressed for things like that. Then it’s weird – from the first word I spoke I had a lot of stress and worries and the first sentence that I said was something like “I don’t know what to do”, and then it’s all of a sudden poofff. The train has left.

E: You said you didn’t really know what to do now.

W: That’s the first sentence of the text that I wrote and the moment I said that sentence I thought in my head “the train has left, there’s no way back now” and then the stress disappears automatically. But before the final rehearsal there was a moment that I was moving around heavily and I was throwing with chairs. And afterwards I had to pack moving boxes, which was okay. But from moving around and the combination of stress it made me almost gag in the box from the stress so I almost puked. So at these moments it gets pretty heavy.

E: Did other people notice or were you hiding it?

W: Yeah the final rehearsal was luckily not with an audience, but my teachers were like “Everything alright?” and I was like “Yeah I’m good. It’s a bit much”. But when it comes to stress, a lot of people always say – I’m even a little stressed right now actually.

E: Really?

W: Podcasts, oh no no.

E: Oh shit. You have to be (stressed)

W: A lot of pressure on my shoulder here. No, but a lot of people say that it doesn’t look like that I’m stressed even though I really am dying from all the stress.

E: Only now you can hide it really well. You should become an actor.

W: A lot of people have said that to me often, but it’s not my interest. Also not much work in the field.

E: That too, fuck. Are you someone who constantly pretends like you’re okay?

W: Yes.

E: Even when you have a lot of shit going on in your head and you’re processing other things?

W: I'm one person. One person?

E: "I'm one person" [laughs]

W: I am one person. No, but I'm someone who often keeps their stuff to themselves, so that I can listen to what others need.

28:15

E: That was my next question. You listen more to other people’s problems and you’re the person people come to with their problems?

W: I think, at least I hope, that a lot of my friends do know that they can always come to me for a talk or a phone call. I'm someone that will shove away their happiness for someone else, which isn’t always positive of course.

E: It is a beautiful characteristic, but it shouldn’t take over indeed.

W: In the past it has happened that I was falling apart, but I kept pushing it away, because I wanted to take care of someone else. I noticed this a lot during the divorce of my parents. My parents had a hard time with the divorce and I remember that I came home as a little boy and I saw my mom sitting and I felt the duty to comfort her and to be there for her, even though I was 8 or 9 years old. That’s not something you expect to do or think from an 8 year old. It really broke me and now I can openly speak about it, because I have had enough conversations with my parents about it, about how it was for me. And I made a play about it, as I told earlier, so it’s been a whole process and that has scarred me till at least my 16th. My parents got divorced when I was 5 or 6 years old. It took me a long time to open up because of that. I notice it a lot in previous relationships, that I walk away from fights, because I would find the confrontation too heavy to get into a fight and to discuss. The divorce and fights with my parents scarred me so hard that I didn’t want that again. I wanted everything to be rainbow and sunshine, but life doesn’t work like that. And that was partly a misconception from me, that I thought that a relationship had to be perfect, if there is a fight, then it’s not going well. Now I realize that fights are part of a relationship. And also part of steps you take into accepting each other, listening to each other and understanding each other. It’s needed for a stronger connection. You can’t, well you can, but in my eyes you can’t be with someone for a long time without ever having had a conflict. Even if it’s a discussion, because then you’re adapting too much to the other, and then you say okay, I’m adapting to the demands of her and I suppress my own things or things I want to do, only to avoid the discussion, and that’s something I learned. And that’s how everyone learns their own things along the way.

E: You still see it in the youth, those romantic movies, where everyone is so in love and it always ends with a kiss or something and it’s always good and then you think, this must be the case in real life. Why can’t I find Gabriella Montez for my Troy Bolton. Even though that was a shitty relationship too, they were constantly fighting. No, but that gives a wrong image about relationships and for other things because of movies. And the reality is just different.

32:16

W: Yes. I recently for the first time -this is kinda embarrassing because it’s a must see- watched The Notebook.

E: Me too! What did you think?

W: It has been a few weeks ago. Or a few weeks, maybe 3 or something.

E: I watched it last weekend.

W: I almost cried.

E: Really?

W: I’m a really emotional person. I can really cry. I can really get lost in a movie. “No not the puppy, why?!” Those things, where I think "Willem, act normal". But no it was a beautiful movie.

E: Yeah I have a different opinion, because I just fell asleep. I fell asleep, because it all went so slow, it started so slow. I didn’t even watch the kiss in the rain scene.

W: The moment. It’s in literally every romantic movie. In the rain, it happens everywhere.

Ender: Yeah mate, it’s such a cliché actually, but yeah.

W: I bet you that they’re just standing there with a garden hose.

E: Definitely.

W: It can’t be that they’re waiting, “is it gonna rain today? We need to do that scene now”.

33:27

E: Checking the rain alarm while everyone is inside. There are definitely sprinklers there. It’s in a lot of romantic movies. Now that we’re talking about it, the filming you did with wtFock, you sometimes had scenes outside. Here we have those (light) spots, I assume that you don’t carry them outside. How do you guys do that?

W: Sometimes we do have spots outside, but as long as the light from the sun is okay – with a binocular (telescope), well it’s not a binocular, it’s a round thing you can look through and with it they can determine the brightness of the sun and if the sun is too bright for the lightning they need, then it gets shielded, the same that is in front of your lamps. With that they can dim the lights. Or when there is not enough they use isomo plates, that’s really weird. Sometimes there are really intimate scenes in a series where it looks like it’s really close to the skin of the actors. There is a camera with a plate on it and a stick for the sound above it, it sometimes made it really hard for me to focus, because everyone is sitting there and the director and I’m like “yeah, okay okay”. So it takes a lot to get it all professional.

E: Was there a crazy moment where you forgot your lines? That you’re laying in bed and you’re like “which sentence do I have to say now?”

W: Yeah we’ve definitely had a lot of bloopers. Yeah forgetting lines or.. the thing is, as long as the director doesn’t say cut, you have to keep going. It’s a matter of "how do I improvise myself around this scene to get to the point we actually have to get to", because you have a scene and you have your lines, but if you forget something, then you do know the main lines of where the scene has to go to. You know the scene will end in a kiss or something and these subjects will be spoken about in the conversation, so when you forget your lines, you try to work your way through it as best as possible. And when the director says it wasn’t good, then we’ll do it again. I’ve had a lot of moments where I forgot my lines and I was laying in bed with Willem and we would look at each other and we’d know that I had to say something, but I was stuck, so there would be a 10 seconds silence, hoping for them to say cut. Yeah so those kinds of moments a lot or moments where I… I also had that with Déjà Vu. I remember… by the way it was amazing to work together with such big names as Natali Broods and Koen De Graeve. And Koen, lovely person, was kind of the father figure on set and we had a scene, next to the bed, a quite emotional scene. And the camera was focused on me, close up on my face. And I still remember that, the sound was going, everything, and Koen had just told a joke, or made a face that made me laugh. So, I had to laugh really hard, but I had to act very sad. It was an intense scene of goodbyes. All the time, starting to laugh about everything. I still remember for wtFock we made a video with bloopers and those are very fun to watch back.

37:03

E: Are those bloopers ever published somewhere online?

W: I don’t think so.

E: I think if you’d be able to release them somewhere that a lot of people would be interested in them.

W: Yes, yes. I don’t know why, indeed. The fans would be happy with those.

E: I think a lot of people- because we were just talking about your biggest fan.

W: My biggest-

E: Your grandma.

W: My grandma, yes. Big shout out to my grandma.

E: Do you think she’s watching right now?

W: She’ll definitely watch, I hope so.

E: What’s your grandma’s name?

W: Micheline.

E: Micheline, thank you very much for watching Micheline.

W: Micheline.

E: I appreciate it.

W: Women in power. She deserves a special place. No really, she follows all the fan accounts of wtFock. And then sometimes, or very often, we call and she gives me an update of what’s being said on the internet. Or yes, I also remember, when scenes come out and there’s things being said and she’s like "Willem, is that true, what are they saying?" And I say "Grandma, it’s nothing, it’s all from the show." "Ah okay, okay." So yes, very sweet grandma. She’s like the grandma where everything was allowed. I think that’s the same for everyone. At home, there are a lot of rules, and then you got to sleepover at your grandma’s and it was like: "Oh, I get to stay up later, and she made pudding for me." Her vanilla pudding-

E: That good?

W: Grandma, if you’re seeing this, please make some vanilla pudding when I visit.

E: Dude, everything’s falling out of my pocket.

W: You’re letting everything fall out of your pocket? Maybe you need to buy another pair of pants.

E: The chair is too comfortable that I’m kind of sinking in it, and now I constantly get-

W: The conversation’s too comfortable-

E: It’s just my phone, it’s vibrating, I think it just vibrated out of my pocket. So, silent, great. Eh, what were we talking about? About your grandma.

W: About my grandma.

38:46

E: Now, totally different subject. If you were a fish, what color fish would you be?

W: A fish?

E: Which color do you identify most with?

W: Eh.

E: And you’re a fish too of course.

W: Identify with which color. The thing is, I’m in the scouts. And in the Jins, that’s the last year before you become a leader, we were given a color totem, and the whole group decided on a color that fits you.

E: All right.

W: And mine was mango orange.

E: Wow, that’s cool.

W: Yeah, I thought it was cool too. And it means, if I have to think back, mango has quite a hard peel, relatively, but the fruit itself is quite soft. And that refers to my personality. I’m someone that lets people in fast, around me, but in the beginning, suspicion is a little strong, but kind of like, testing. Let’s say that. But once- From the outside I might look a bit hard. A lot of people say that when I have my straight face-

E: Resting bitch face.

W: That I’m angry. I was once told on the subway by a dude, and I was just listening to music, staring in the distance, and I think, suddenly a dude comes up to me, in French: "C’est quoi ton problème, heh, tu regardes come ça, c’est quoi ton problème." And I was like: "I’m sorry". Apparently, I was looking in his direction with my-

E: Bitch face.

W: Bitch face. He must have thought I was looking for problems. So yeah, that’s why the mango, a little hard on the outside, but once you get to know me better, a soft, sweet boy. So that’s why, orange. So, an orange fish then.

E: A little bit of Nemo vibes.

W: Yes, Nemo then. But let’s, what’s that theory. Did you hear that?

E: Theory?

W: About Nemo.

E: What’s the theory?

W: Haven’t you heard that? I keep seeing that online. I’m having a crisis. So the thing is, your childhood will get ruined.

E: Fuck man.

W: The thing is-

E: But there really are, no keep going, I have something I want to say afterwards.

W: The thing is, I’ve heard, that Nemo is Latin for nobody, and that the father is imagining that he still has an egg left, but that that fish doesn’t actually exist.

E: Oh fuck.

W: And that Dory joins him, and he sees, we’re actually not looking for anyone, but because he has memory issues, he constantly forgets that they’re not looking for anyone. So, they’re actually looking for nobody. And I saw that online and I was like.

E: Damn, so all the eggs are eaten, but he imagines that someone still has to be there.

W: Yes, something to keep living for.

E: Fuck man, that’s very brutal. That’s very fucked up.

W: Sorry to everyone for who Nemo is ruined now.

E: There’s a similar theory about Phineas and Ferb, and then Candice, their sister, is based on a true story about a girl that lost her brothers and still imagines that they're still doing stuff in the garden. And she keeps telling her mom: "Look, look, they are still here, they’re doing that." And that the mom says: "They’re not there." And that’s why she can never see that. You get it? Brutal right?

W: My whole childhood is ruined. Fucking hell.

E: That’s going to be the title of this podcast.

W: Childhood ruined.

E: We’re ruining your childhood.

42:17

W: We’re ruining your childhood. No but that’s good because, thankfully, I have a half-sister, but I say sister because I think half-sister is an ugly word, of seven years old. She thinks she’s 16. She’s a real diva.

E: Oh wow, okay.

W: She’s very, I’ll tell you a story later, but the thing is, I experience all those things with her again. In the beginning it was like, turning the tv on, Bumba, again. And I could secretly watch with her without feeling guilty. I was like, I’m watching Bumba and secretly I’m enjoying it, but sssh, I’m just watching it with my sister.

E: That exactly.

W: And now it’s Ketnet, like Hoodie, those series that she’s watching. And yes, I notice that because of all the technology today, she has an iPad, she’s on YouTube, she’s watching those self-made crafts.

E: 7 years old?

W: 7 years old, yes.

E: Wow.

W: She watches those- where people are playing with Barbies and they make a little play with them online on YouTube and they do stuff. Yes, a tablet. She has an iPad that’s bigger than her head. That makes me think- well, an iPad is usually bigger than everyone’s head. Or well, almost.

E: Not if you have a mini of course.

W: Her head isn’t that big.

E: Okay.

W: She’s on it a lot though. But she’s a real diva. I think the best story I have, there’s multiple. I remember the story, we were sitting at the table and she was having another moment of "I’m the princess, and everyone can leave because I do what I want and fuck you all". But the thing is, there’s five kids at home. I have a brother and two stepbrothers. So, she has four brothers, and she knows very well that she has four brothers. And that makes her feel even more like she’s the princess at home. So, we were sitting at the table. And she kept staring at my dad like this while throwing her cutlery on the ground. Like "what are you going to do". And my dad was like: "Liv," because her name is Liv by the way, "stop that."

E: That wasn’t nice of Liv. (Liv sounds the same as lief which means nice in Dutch.)

W: No. Not nice of-

E: Haha. Sorry.

W: Badam pam ts. Can’t we put that under here. Yes.

E: No, sorry, keep going.

W: So, he was like: "Liv, stop that, stop that." He started to get annoyed, because she kept going. "Liv, what is so hard to understand about no." And then it got silent at the table so I thought, okay, it’s done. The o.

E: Oh wow.

W: 7 years old and she drops that.

E: Oh wow.

W: And I thought, okay.

E: Damn bro.

W: The o. That she even dares to say that. Yeah, and she has those moments. She was sitting at the table, with her mask on, eating. So, she pulled her mask down to eat, and then she was chewing with her mask on. And then I asked: "Liv, why are you wearing your mask?" "Yes, you came back from Ghent, you’re not in my bubble."

E: Okay, okay.

W: So, then I said: "Okay, that’s fine." It’s crazy how that goes around among young children. Because my sister came back home from school crying once. And I asked her: ‘Liv, what’s wrong?’ "Yes, my friends didn’t let me play with them." So, I was like: "Why?" "Margot says I’m not allowed in her bubble."

E: Oh wow.

W: See, that’s becoming the new- we played with Pokémon cards on the playground and now it’s about playing games in bubbles because it’s so-

E: Damn.

W: Yes, you’re only allowed to have four people in your bubble so we don’t play with more than four.

E: Oh wow.

W: So I found that kind of crazy, or confronting that it made me think like, even at such a young age it has an impact. And I know that the-

E: That it leaves an impression.

W: Yes, and I know that my dad-

E: It’s sad that children have to think about it.

W: Yes, exactly.

E: Well, it’s not that- everyone should think about it of course.

W: Yes, yes, of course. It’s also that I know the way my dad feels about raising, that he tells Liv straight up about things that are happening in the world. He doesn’t make things seem nicer, or saying, eh, yes, no, but that’s- The classic story of how babies are made, with the cauliflowers, and what not.

E: I also just think-

W: How am I going to explain that to my kids?

E: If you don’t make it a taboo to start with, is it that bad? It’s just- it’s just. Oh well, that’s a whole other conversation.

W: Yes, no, definitely.

E: But straight up just telling what’s going on to your kids. I think I would prefer that to making up a story about the flowers and the bees.

W: Yes, yes.

E: Because the story about the flowers and the bees, I don’t even know how you actually- pollinating and stuff, is that what that means?

W: You do it like this, pollinating.

E: Yes, no, exactly.

W: Yes, but well, children, that’s still a long time from now.

E: Do you want kids, you think, later?

W: Yes, please.

E: Do you think you would be a good father?

W: I hope I would be a good father. Despite my parents’ divorce, I really do… I do look up to my parents. I’m proud of the way they raised me. So yeah if I would be a good father… sometimes, but maybe that’s the age, kids frustrate me. I’m a leader in the scouts for the Welpen and Welpen -great guys- but they can also be annoying and say “I’m not participating” and “that’s a stupid game, can we do something else?” and I’m like “we invest so much time in this and so much preparation, please participate” so sometimes that bothers me. But I would prefer not to have just one (child). Certainly more than one because… are you an only child?

E: No I have a little brother.

W: Yeah only child… with all due respect to people who are only children but sometimes I think… for example, I’m very happy that I have a brother. Not that it wouldn’t be fun without a brother per se, but I don’t know, the contact I have with my brother is nice.

E: The thing is, you don’t know what you’re missing so it’s hard to miss it I guess. But I do think that my brother has been a great added value to my life.

W: Yeah, yeah.

E: In the same way, I never really had grandparents. They all died before I was born and the grandfather I did have was quite old when I was actually aware that I had a grandfather. So I’ve never really had the grandparents experience that you see with family gatherings and stuff. But I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything but I still know how much other people benefit from having grandparents. Also what you just said about how often you call each other and stuff. I think that’s the same with being an only child. If you don’t have any brothers or sisters, you don’t know what it’s like to have that, what you’re missing. But if you do have it, it’s an added value I think.

W: Yes, exactly. No that’s true. My brother is very helpful to me now. I know that I can count on him.

E: Older or younger by the way?

W: Older.

E: A lot older?

W: 21.

E: 21.

W: Oh boy I had to think about how old my brother is. Embarrassing. Love you man. No but we had - maybe you had that too – but when we were younger, we really fought.

E: Physical?

W: Real fighting. Yeah, it’s has now gotten much better. I think we understand each other a lot better, but it used to be real… we had Catch WW on the Wii and we reenacted that on the couch so that was… “In the right corner Ramy Stereo” and we were bare-chested and both had one boxing glove on and fighting each other until one of us cried, bled or gave up. Usually it was me.

E: That’s just the fate of the little brother.

W: I always went… I’ve never admitted that actually, [whispers] it’s a confession. I’ve never admitted it, but afterwards I always went to my parents and cried “Kwinten hurt me”.

E: That’s really… that’s the moment, you feel it coming and you think “ah fuck no, if I hit again it’s probably over but I want to…” [cross-talk] “no no no don’t tell mom! Don’t tell mom!” I think I was a pretty nice big brother. We often did shit together. We were at home playing on the couch together and Olaf bumps into a large box that was standing there and the box, bigger than Olaf back then, fell down on his hand.

W: Oh shit.

E: So Olaf broke his hand. And I thought “I made him jump over those chairs” and then you have to say “sorry sorry don’t tell them, don’t tell them!” but yeah if your hand is fucking broken, you’re not gonna stop crying because your big brother says “don’t cry”. Yeah, that are…

W: Yes, but the relationship [between Willem and his brother] has improved. Okay we still have our discussions but... I think moments like when we’ve both been to a pub or something and we come home at the same time and we’re always hungry and standing in the kitchen making sandwiches. Those are great moments. I don’t necessarily need to have emotionally heavy of deep conversations with my brother to know that he’s there and that I can have a good time with him. So I think that’s the added value of having a brother or brothers in general.

E: Do you guys also have a specific sense of humor? Or like those moments when the two of you are laughing and your parents or people around you think “what the fuck is going on?”

W: Yeah we speak some slang to each other for fun. Like “stu stu” and [my slang knowledge is very limited so I have no idea what he’s saying here lol], those kinds of things. Typical slang from Brussels and Leuven. It’s funny because my parents are always like “why are you talking to each other like that?” and recently, I was leaving and my mom said “stu stu!” so they are adopting those words and then my brother and I can’t stop laughing.

E: Also if your mom suddenly says “are we going to chill later?” and I’m like [laughing] “what? Mom!”

W: “Okay??”

E: It’s kind of cute. Yeah it’s fun. And what are… I almost want to go deep like…

W: That’s okay.

E: Is there a particular interaction or experience you’ve had with your brother that sums up your relationship right now? Or are those the moments when you’re laughing and eating at night? It doesn’t have to be a super deep or emotional moment.

W: I think it’s an accumulation of those moments and emotional moments too. For example, after it was over with my ex. I was really down back then, it hit me pretty hard. Those are the moments when I can walk into my brother’s room in the middle of the night and he’s there for me. I know that dude is always going to be there when something’s wrong, no matter how much we argue or how much we shit at each other. I just know, and I hope he does too, that I can call him 24/7, walk into his room 24/7 and he will be there or ready to listen. I think that’s just something… the fact that we know that about each other, that creates that bond. And the thing is, if only he would do his best and go to work, earn real money… because we went on holiday together and he still hasn’t… he still has some work to do but we’ve already planned something. I’m really looking forward to it. We’re planning to go surfing in Portugal together. Those are moments I just know I can go somewhere with him and have the time of my life without-

E: …That you can remember for the rest of your life what you did together.

W: Yeah, absolutely. Those moments that I want to cherish or want to keep or experience.

E: My little brother is also just the most annoying dude on this planet who I love the most.

W: Exactly that combination. Annoying, but you love them.

E: Of course. The cameras are back on. That means we’ve been at it for over 50 minutes.

W: 50 minutes? It feels like we’re chatting for 20 minutes.

E: Exactly.

W: Pleasant.

E: That’s good. If it’s pleasant and the stress is gone.

W: Do you actually like me? “No I hate you. We’re going to finish. It has been good.”

55:29

E: No we’re not going to finish yet, but before we do, is there anything you’d like to send out into the world before we finish? On average there are 10 to 50 people watching. Is there anything you want to say to them?

W: To the 10 to 50 people?

E: Yes.

W: 10 to 50 people, you are awesome. No, what I’m saying… maybe a little deep but it doesn’t matter. Very often in your life you are going to encounter that you run into a wall, that you’re going to have setbacks, that you think “I don’t want to anymore, I can’t to this anymore, life is all one big shit show” but I think that there is a certain… at least I believe that – everyone has their own opinion of course- that a certain path has been mapped out for everyone. Not necessarily that things are set in stone but there is a road that you are going to take and that road is going to have curves, is going to have hills, is going to have valleys, is going to have everything. Maybe it’s a gravel path, maybe rocks you stumble over but -it sounds a bit stupid- put on your best walking shoes and just walk that path the best way you can. Just try to live life with complete joy and euphoria because you’re 100% worth it. No matter what other people say or think about your ideology or style or way of life. Everyone is entitled to it or should be given the opportunity to be appreciated for who they are. I think that’s something we do too little in this society, but yeah.

E: Just don’t be too hard on yourself in the end?

W: Yeah, don’t be too hard on yourself. A lot of people blame themselves too much. Or “oh I’m like that and I don’t fit in because of that” or something. Then I think: so be it.

E: Do you sometimes feel that you should do more or have achieved more at this age? Of course you’re already doing a lot of cool shit but social media, I know there is a highlight reel of all people’s achievements and that sometimes it’s very difficult to filter between what is real and how much is that person actually sitting on the couch doing nothing. Do you sometimes feel that because of social media of because of your environment or I don’t know, that you’re not doing enough?

W: Gosh, sometimes I think my life is too full.

E: Too full?

W: Not that I’m saying “oh I have so many things to do” but I’m like... I’m letting that grow organically or so.

E: Not putting too much pressure on yourself?

W: Not putting too much pressure on yourself. I’m doing a course now that I’d like to finish because I’ve had those two projects and there are friends of mine who say “why are you still studying? You’ve had your opportunity, you’re going to get new opportunities right?” and I say “hey! I’m also only 19”. Sometimes I think “fuck Willem you should have achieved more already” but I also think I’m only 19. There was a conversation at school… I really think that’s one of the added values of the course. We receive an observation report twice a year, 5 pages where the teacher writes about you and how they see you, what they think about you, what your qualities are, what you still need to work on. It’s always spot on. So strange how they can just see right through you, even though I sometimes try to hide it. Yeah, where was I going with this… we had subsequent conversation about it and I said to my teacher “sometimes I feel like I’m too young for this course” that I have too little life experience. There are people in my class who are in their 20s or older, who have already studied something else before this, have read a lot more, seen a lot more than me, a lot more experience and I think “fuck, I don’t have anything”. People talk about certain topics and I don’t follow at all. I mentioned that I felt too young and she [the teacher] said “you’re young, but that also has its advantages. Your youthfulness can actually be an interesting tool in this course and look at it from a different perspective”. So I’m convinced: don’t be too hard on yourself, don’t think “whew, I’m already 20 and I haven’t achieved anything yet” so to speak. I even saw a video recently where… “if you don’t make it in your 20s, you might make it in your 30s and if you don’t make it in your 30s, you might make it in your 40s”. There are so many… there really are a lot of people… people often forget that there are people who only find out what they want to do or discover their passion later in life.

E: And also just… I think it’s so ridiculous that you set certain goals for a certain age or something. That it’s so expected that by 18 you must have completed high school and by 25 you must have had your first job interview, by 28/30 you must have a house and a serious relationship where you’re committed to for the rest of your life and by 40 you must have already had a promotion, that you can provide for yourself and fix your pension. All those fucking predetermined milestones. I think that’s kind of bullshit, you know?

W: Absolutely.

E: If that were the case, then I should graduate in a few years so to speak while I’m clearly not studying here because I have – fuck normally I have a re-exam today. And here we are.

W: Here we are.

E: I knew I was doing this but I mean that’s just… there’s so much time. I’m 22 now and I’m doing some shit, if I go nuts now or people don’t want to listen to this podcast anymore, don’t want to see what I do online, okay then I have to look elsewhere. But I did this and I went for it and I tried. I’m 22. Even if I go nuts now and it’s all gone, I’m only 22. There are still so many ways it could go. A lot of people don’t have a job at 22. If I started looking for a new job or something now, hopefully I’ll have one by 25. Then it’s still okay because I’m only 25. I don’t know, I always find that… I could go on for a long time about this. I think those predetermined milestones/goals of things that you must have achieved by a certain age, I just think it’s bullshit.

W: I sometimes make the comparison that people too often see life as the sports world. Football players who are good until 35 and then they are done. As if you must have already performed before that age. That’s not how it works. You really have all the time and you really don’t have to stress. I also notice that many people… you mentioned re-exams. That people say “fuck I have re-exams, oh no I’m not going to pass, oh no you have extra…” chill. You do your best, but suppose you have to repeat a year, that’s not a disaster either, is it?

E: What I also think is crazy is how many people have studied law and you eventually hear that they ended up in a marketing agency because they found it much more interesting. When I talk to some people who… I was seeing a social media manager recently [laughs] “seeing”, I was talking to him.

W: “seeing” okay [laughs].

E: I was talking to him.

W: [joking] Ender has something to say.

E: And I asked “what did you study?” and he said biochemistry. “How the fuck did you end up here?” Him: “uh yeah that just wasn’t the right fit for me. I have a master’s degree but I started working here because I found it much more interesting”. I thought: why am I pretending that the degree I’m trying to get is going to determine the rest of my life, you know?

W: Absolutely.

E: If there are so many people now… because he was only 28 or something. So I thought “aah okay so you’ve been studying biochemistry for so many years and now you’re here – I don’t know if I’m talking about the correct position – but now you’re just sitting here making content. Cool. But why do I attach so much importance to that one direction I’m studying right now that doesn’t even have anything to do with media or anything. I mean I’m very interested in media, I’m studying economics. Which is also interesting, but that’s not what I see myself doing in the coming years.

W: Yeah, yeah.

E: Anyway enough about me. Do you think you could win in a fight against a cow?

W: [laughs] I really like that. You can switch to totally different shit like that. Like before you suddenly asked what color fish do you want to be. Okay. That’s nice. Win… I’ve heard if you knock over a cow it dies. That it has a heart attack then. We don’t want to kill cows okay!

E: And purely hypothetical, you’re just standing in a kind of meadow so it’s not super big so you can’t go in all directions. There is a limited domain. You come face to face with that cow and you have to begin. No weapons. You’re standing there and the cow stands there and you both know you’re going to fight.

W: It knows that too?

E: It knows that too.

W: [makes mooing noises] okay ca va.

E: It’s not a bull but it does have horns so in fact it would-

W: I would shit my pants. I’d give up already. I would lie on the ground, come on. Really crazy, I saw Jackass recently. Those guys, that Wee Man, who was in that link with the bull and he’s being catapulted, so to speak.

E: I don’t understand how those guys aren’t all dead yet.

W: Yeah they are really crazy.

E: There was also a rumor that Wee Man died from a bowling ball during… but apparently that wasn’t true.

W: I don’t know.

E: Fucked up shit. Would you win against a cow?

W: Would I win against a cow? No, I wouldn’t win against a cow. I don’t think I would win against a cow.

E: I think I would. I think just like with a bull I would try to jump out of the way like that and once you’re on the side it’s just a matter of pushing. If what you said is true, it’s game over when it’s down and you know, that’s your tactic.

W: But the thing is, a cow is heavy, isn’t it?

E: True.

W: You can’t just push it over like that, can you?

E: Sure, but it’s a matter of life or death, isn’t it? The adrenaline rush. You have to image, a cow just comes running towards you. The adrenaline that goes through your body. You shouldn’t underestimate the power you have then.

W: Just find the best patch of grass and when it’s there, sneaky knife in the back. No, now people are going to think I’m that kind of person.

E: That you’re just a snake.

W: Snake. Definitely and I admit it. No, that would be fucked up.

E: I’m going to do one more thing that’s important. I’m going to find a Twitter shout out and in the meantime, I already asked you what your message is to the world and that was a beautiful message. Got something more banal that you’d like to share? Something that you want to share from your social media or something?

W: What do you mean from social media?

E: Where they can follow you. You can say something if you have a really good video that you want to share. “Check me everywhere”.

W: No I don’t have… people should do what they feel like doing. Do you think I’m cool, do you think I’m fun, follow me on Insta. No really doesn’t matter. Doesn’t really matter.

E: Alright, I’m just going to scroll and you say stop. I’ll go back and forth and you have to say “yes that’s the one who gets to have this week’s shout out”.

W: Exciting huh. Stop.

E: [reads twitter account] M. Verschuren.

W: M. Verscheure.

E: Is that…

W: [reads quote] “If you were never sad, you wouldn’t know you could be happy”.

E: Wow. Damn bro.

W: I’m going to edit my quote.

E: “If you were never sad, you wouldn’t know you could be happy”. Wow. If you didn’t have shitty days, you wouldn’t know what the best days of your life were.

W: Exactly. But what if you get stuck in your shitty days for the rest of your life?

E: That won’t happen. That’s my biggest fear.

W: Me too.

E: Looking back at your life and thinking-

W: …Fuck I’ve never been there again.

E: …That’s where I peeked. Hope that doesn’t happen. Anyway M. Verscheure thank you very much for listening, I really appreciate it. You as well, I think?

W: Absolutely, absolutely. How much were you going to pay me?

E: 50 euro.

W: Then I’ll come… awesome. Super cool.

E: Thank you so much to everyone who listened. I appreciate it. If you want to hear more you can always subscribe to this channel. It’s also good for my ego. I’ll just put your Instagram link in the description, for people who are interested. Okay, that was it.

W: Thanks, it was fun.

E: There’s an audio only episode on Spotify every Sunday and the video comes out on Monday. That’s it. See you next Monday. Or Sunday. Peace.

#wtfock #willem de schryver

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wench-and-jezebel · 2 years ago

Text

NCIS Reaction: The Immortals

Wench (@scripted-downfall) reacts [with (maybe) occasional asides by Jezebel (@typicalopposite)]

I start this episode after a family dinner that put me in a horrible mood, and a gift exchange that put me in an awesome one; I’m sure my emotional drain rn won’t affect my reaction. At. All. Right?

Kids on a boat, always dangerous

Drunk kids on a boat: even worse

MAKO HAVE VICIOUS TEETH, WDYM [Not discovery channel]

Deep Blue Sea was a warning they clearly haven't listened to

Does he die or find a dead bod- oh, okay then. Dead body it is, then. [Ahvblblblblb]

"Seaman" *snort* [☠️☠️☠️☠️]

kasdjflkjsadf Tony, buddy, you’re adorably excited

Real sword?

REAL SWORD!

Ducky is very adorable. However, plz be careful with the blade. [Indeed! He always is :) even angry ducky is adorable]

At least Gibbs' orders apply to Kate too

Damn, Kate, be sensitive, please; isn’t that the whole point of why you’re here?

"Think of Puerto Rico" Agreed

Once again… For all the idea was to bring Kate along for a sympathetic hand, she's not really being. Sympathetic

"Are these interviews always that difficult?" NO SHIT. IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE TRIED TO WARN YOU BEFORE.

That was Tony's first next-of-kin interview? I once again chew Kate out for her lack of sensitivity with him earlier.

“You just assumed I wouldn’t know how bad it’d be?” “Yeah.” "That is so presumptuous!" WDYM?!?! You didn't expect it to be as bad as it was!!?? He wasn’t wrong!?!?!

Master Chief, huh? I didn’t know NCIS were good forces against the Covenant

"I didn't really notice" Mmmhmm, suspicious

"Computers run the ship" In a horror movie, that would be the problem

Appreciate Tony's defense of capability in young folks

Heyyy! Some people who actually paid attention to the victim! (Automatically suspicious of them, ngl)

It’s not her, but this corpsman looks vaguely like Janice from Deep Blue Sea, or at least speaks like her, and it’d be really funny if she were given my earlier statement (but she’s not)

The change in video quality with the long-distance shots alkdsjf

Abby!!!

Ooh, fantasy game?

I'd love if Tony knew what that was, but I know they'll have him not- Yup, there we go

Love that Abby knows about it, though

She's awesome

"The occasional garotte" "I'd say that's violent" Tony and Abby being an amazing duo again

TONY DOES LOOK INTERESTED

HE GOT THE JARGON RIGHT!!!! I TOLD YOU HE WAS INTERESTED

Ducky's ramblings give me life

His phrasing is great too. "Succumbed" = Sweeney Todd-vibes, "Deduce" = Sherlock Holmes-vibes

Sword be pretty [😂😂]

I appreciate the weapons buff

Men will obsess over swords for the. Imagery. While on a mostly-male vessel.

"I didn't know the boy very well" Like, two people did, wdym

... how does sir randomly know the game's acronym

No, I don't accept. That (MMORPG) is such a random piece of jargon to know because "my kids play it." That's so unrealistic. "Those damn MOMGSRP-somethin'-or-other my young'ns play" is far more in-line with reality, in my personal experience.

Abby getting into the game; she’s adorable

Ducky too!!! My rpg-playing beloveds. (Okay, he's a bit more perplexed than into it, but still)

Abby. Have you eaten.

"You're a prince, Ducky" "Is that a safe occupation in this [game]?" lkjadslkfjaldskfj I love them

I love the lock on her necklace

I clearly have not played enough MMORPGs or something. That or she's just tapping keys during a cutscene.

However, "Would this help, my dear? *moves drink over*" Ducky, I love you

– – –

Another midpoint reaction! I can keep track of my responsibilities! Who knew?! :)

Okay, so. My bias towards characters with my own interests is showing this episode --- aka my bias towards cool characters is showing, because obviously my tastes are impeccable --- and I adore Abby for her enthusiasm with the game. Ducky is awesome for his own part in it: the equal measures of interest and utter confusion is something that's honestly so real. And I maintain that Tony is interested in it too. (No, that's not delusional at all, I don't know what you mean. He not only was the first to inquire with interest about the MMORPG, he *also* remembered that, frankly horrible, acronym. This is a sign of interest and I do not take criticism. Also, he's Alec-coded, who is Dean-coded, who loves stuff like this --- see: LARPing episode --- so. Yeah.) These three are my dears. [I meant to say yesterday when y’all were talking about him acting dumb and you didn’t like that: I think Tony’s a lot more like Dean than Alec in that sense. That may only be because I haven’t seen Alec yet to know if he’s goofy in the way Dean is. You know, where there’s a difference between being goofy and actually being dumb, if that makes sense?] Alec is definitely goofy-but-smart. I mean, it’s kinda hard to avoid, to be fair, since he’s from Manticore, but yeah. He’s shown to have, on-camera, knowledge of: strategy, triage/first aid, and a number of other skills. He’s also taken classes on “communication and verbal usage” to fit in, and has obviously run a number of successful ops. All in all, he’s clearly using charisma as a way of disarming people, not actually being stupid.

Honestly, the above is the main change. Gibbs is still Gibbs (though less annoying and more... he's just kinda there? He's not really done that much good or bad that I've noticed.) Kate is still being annoying, though --- that scene with Russell's mother still has me irritated --- so no improvement there. Current character ranking: Tony/Abby ('bout equal) > Ducky (veryyyy close. Almost a three-way tie) > Gibbs (wayyyyy further down) > Kate (sorry, but you suck, Maxie) [😂😂😂😂 Maybe it’s just because I know what’s coming and that alters my ability to hate Kate, but I like Kate, and so I’m struggling to see why you don't. ☠️ But I also don’t pay too much attention whenever I watch so maybe that’s why.] What do you like about Kate though? How does she not bother you? [idk, maybe it’s because it’s been a while since I watched the show and I just liked all of them. And again I know what’s coming.] ... You're watching the show rn [Yeah, but I’m watching it while I’m doing other stuff, so I’m not really taking in it the same way you are. Also, I don’t think I’ll look for things to like or dislike about a character unless I’m told to, if that makes sense. Like, with Max, I am looking for what other people don’t like, so obviously I’m gonna see it and not like her. But, if I’m watching a show without having other people’s opinions on it, I kinda just watch it and don’t pick up on those things.] You didn’t like Sam all on your own, though? [He wasn’t my favorite, but I didn’t start actively disliking him until we started talking. And I went back and Reeeeeally Watched it and was like wow he is kinda shitty. But, then again, I’ve always been the type of person where I have to watch something twice to fully grasp it and, by the time I was re-watching Supernatural, I was slowly watching it because I wanted to see Destiel stuff. So I would’ve missed it then too 😆😆😆] lasdflkajfd ma'am. I give up, but… ma’am.

ANYWAY. Character placement has shifted a bit. I really don’t get what fixes Kate’s character — she’s a newbie, but she’s acting outraged any time someone has to teach her something/correctly points out her lack of experience; she’s a new recruit, but treats her superior like he’s an equal (which, I’m sorry, but, speaking as someone who has worked in lab conditions with mentors, you don’t do that unless they tell you to, and I haven’t seen Gibbs say that once); she’s not that much better a person than anyone else on the team, but she acts like she’s the end-all-be-all judgement of personal character (and not just with Tony, but with Gibbs and Ducky, too, at various points) — but I guess I’ll try to keep an open mind for Jezebel’s sake. I’m fetching myself refreshments and then I’ll pick up again. [😂😂 I never said she gets better] Damn it. But also, in all seriousness, I might be less annoyed by her arrogance if she’s actually got a bit more seniority. I doubt it, but maybe.

Post-script: Thinking (while I procure this food) that I may just have something against main characters --- or how they're written --- or something, because I have not liked an actual main character *once* in so long... idk, maybe it's something about modern writing, or the archetype itself, but just. Not my thing, ig. I don't know for sure.

– – –

This is the most random assortment of refreshments ever, but it’ll do. This is why you don’t let someone with a chronological age of adult but a mental age of child make decisions. If you do, you end up watching a television show with a bowl of corn and some soda. Shhhhh.

– – –

Actually, apparently we’re not shushing because of Jezebel:

Jezebel: ☠️☠️☠️ A bowl Of CORN? Wench: A bowl of corn Wench: *sends photo of corn in a bowl and apple soda in a decorative glass. And a water bottle* Wench: A bowl of corn Jezebel: And coke in a wine glass. I’m ded. Wench: It’s apple soda. And not a wine glass. Jezebel: DED Wench: If we’re speaking technically, that is Jezebel: OK?!?!☠️☠️☠️😂😂☠️☠️ Wench: THERE'S A VEGETABLE, OKAY, IT'S HEALTHY Jezebel: ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️ Whatever you have to say to yourself to justify that your snack of choice is a bowl of corn. Not popped. Just corn Wench: It's corn Jezebel: A big lump with knobs? Wench: Canned corn. I’m lazy. Also. I did just have dinner with folks. So I have had other food Jezebel: True. But still Wench: WHAT IS THE ISSUE WITH CORN Jezebel: Honestly? Nothing. I’ll make corn and tomatoes just to eat for a snack. I’m just messing with you :) Wench: asdlkfjas;ldfkja;sldkjf Wench: -unfriended- Jezebel: Rude

– – –

Okay, now we’re going on. Assuming my co-reactor over here doesn’t cause problems again :)

Weylin is a good name

So is Kinvaras [Lol]

[Ooo jump scare]

LOOK! LOOK!!! TONY KNOWING THE GAME INFORMATION!!!

“When you’re a computer geek playing online-” Mmmhmm, do go on. How do you know, Tony? [😂😂😂😂😂😂]

Jethro's a decent rpg game, ngl.

He just wants to buy the sword

[I wish to reply to the accusation from the start of this post-midpoint reaction… You said that. Then paused. Then started. Then paused again. Then was like wait go back 😂😂😂😂] Shut up, I’m revelling in my Tony-is-interested-in-rpgs headcanons, which are seeming more and more canon. Also, I wanted to see if the scuffle I heard as he walked away was him being happy about buying the sword, or him tripping. Alas, it was the latter, but the former lives in the good NCIS in my head

The camerawork here is weirdly choppy

"Codebreaker 7.8" alskdjf;lkasdjf;lakdsjf

... Tony. Your hair.

Ooh, she's pretty

Um... isn't this entrapment? I guess they're not doing it for prosecution and just for leverage, but still.

He's still so happy about being in Puerto Rico laksdjf

Y'all, maybe that's where the dings came from askdfj If there weren't scratches on any swords, THEN MAYBE IT WAS THE FREAKING POLE THAT HAS SCRATCH MARKS IN IT

(paraphrasing:) "You cannot let personal judgements interfere with the case" "I don't" Excuse me, yes, you do, Kate

"Reception's not good here" mmmhmmm, that's not suspicious at all

alkdsjflakjdsf Tony, Tony, Tony. 'sigh' He's a professional something, alright. [Tony you dog 😂😂😂] Look. I’m just saying. You know what they say: all work and no play… [☠️☠️☠️] Also, Jezebel, how dare you! NOT THE DOG JOKES AGAIN! [😂😂😂😂]

"There was nothing in the UCMJ against virtual homicides" askdfjalkdsfj

[Also, Misha Collins is in an episode. I just remembered but it’s like a season three] Dammit, guess I have to keep going [Well darn 🙂]

Damn, that's a veryyyyy in-depth diary

"I'm constantly being monitored by the crew" Buddy, they barely knew you

“Downloading a lot of… stuff” Hmm… *cough cough* [He had a super virus]

Look, I know that rambling wastes some degree of time, but. Gibbs is so mean to Ducky :( How dare you ignore his rambling!?

Kate doesn't actually seem to be allowing contamination with her personal values; this is logical. (not sarcastic; I'm almost impressed, except this should be the bare minimum)

Tony, I wanna know about what you brought back. I'm almost impressed, btw, that they didn't go for an easy joke about that one

lkasjdflksadjf ONCE AGAIN, HOW DID WE SUDDENLY GET TO HOMELAND SECURITY AND BIOWEAPONS?!?!!??! THERE'S LESS THAN TEN MINUTES LEFT!?!?!?

Okay. Ya know what… I’m just rolling with it.

Okay, that acting was iffy. “No! He can't do this!!” was so desperate. Then, "I don't know.” was so flat. alskdfjla;skdjf [☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️] Sorry, but it’s true [It very much is]

I'm. This episode has spiraled so much.

[Nooo the way Gibbs gets back in his face tho. ☠️☠️☠️☠️]

Okay, I appreciated the: “To win the game. *music stills*” That was pretty damn cool.

“The ‘plague against the realm’ could simply be referring to a computer virus.” Wait. Hold up. Give it a sec, but if I accidentally called his plan from the beginning — r.e. “In a horror movie, [the computers] would be the problem” — I'm gonna laugh

…

What-

This-

I'm-

...

I'm condensing my thoughts about this later

[Oh, the CGI]

“I'm finding this very hard to understand, Abby.” Me too, Ducky, me too.

This exposition though. It’s literally restating stuff that was already allegedly covered, and is only to explain the confusing plotline to the audience, but it’s also Abby and Ducky, so I'm not complaining

“Aren't you interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico?” I am, Tony. I am.

On second thought… I'm not surprised.

ALDSKJF;LAKDFJA;LKDSFJ (scandalized): TONY

(scandalized): GIBBS

TONY BUYING AN RPG BOOK; YES, I SAID IT, MY BELOVED (Yes, I get he allegedly gave it to Gibbs, but still. He knew what to look for. And about the dice. I’m sorry, but… yeah. He’s such a rpg kid, I’m sorry.)

WE ART DONE.

– – –

Okay, look. I reallyyyyyy want to like this one. And, in many ways, I do. The rpg element is, as Jezebel can attest --- psst, Jezebel, attest: [☠️☠️☠️☠️ I attest] --- right up my alley. Abby, Ducky, and Tony all got big roles, too. And Gibbs wasn't that bad. Hell, even Kate --- though I did find her a bit annoying at times --- wasn't thatttt bad. I will die on the rpg-player!Tony hill, and I appreciate this episode for that. I also like the juxtaposition of medieval-ish and modern.

But it just... wasn't great. The story was confusing --- I'm really good at following stories, and I felt like this was a bit... everywhere. Again, I think they're trying to go too big without being able to handle it. --- and the pacing was weird. The "omg, we might have a bomb on our enclosed ship that might kill us and we only have x amount of time to find and deal with it" was really rushed --- again, confined to the last 10 minutes of the show --- and didn't have much weight to it. That would have been better as a whole (or at least half) episode, to be honest. I'm not even sure why they (the characters) all assumed there'd be a bioweapon anyway? Like, "a plague against the realm" was clearly rpg code-speak, and the guy was a computer geek. Why are they acting like he suddenly as bioweapon/bio-bomb training???

Also. If the guy wanted to get at Kinvaras. But he believed that Kinvaras had spies everywhere (e.g. in the entire crew). And he wants to take them down. Why tf did they decide "oh, yeah, wiping out Kinvaras' gamer profile and blowing up our captain will do it" was a reasonable stance? It would have been far more logical to have computer geek boy decide to take out all the computers on board. (I mention for the third time that they literally said the words "Computers run the ship" and then never had the *computer guy* who was also trying to *take down the ship* attempt to take down the computers.) [😂😂]

Anyway. I’m not trying to be too harsh. The episode was just… very hit-or-miss. When it hit, it really hit; when it missed, it missed badly. And I just feel kinda blah about it. I will simply move onto the next reaction with memories of Abby, Ducky, and Tony-the-soon-to-be-a-closeted-rpg-nerd, and pretend that the logical/writing errors here didn’t happen. Fun lil rpg episode, no issues at all… right?!

#ncis #ncis reactions #reactions #episode reactions #leroy jethro gibbs #kate todd #tony dinozzo #abby scuito #donald mallard #s01e04 #the immortals #wench (pr)

7 notes · View notes

swinterr · 4 years ago

Text

fic rec vii ♡

hi!

this is a another new set of fic rec and i’ll probably do a compilation of genre (?) just like the first ones.

read and support the fic and authors here: the fic rec ♡

made some changes like tidying up a bit and adding summary, for those that doesn’t have any summary i’ll try my best to add my own summary (it will probably be shit tho, i ain’t making a smut summary guys, i’m not confident in my describing a fic ability but i’ll try my best. if its in italic it means i made the summary hehez ) if the summary is shit, i made it okay.

a for angst

f for fluff

s for smut

// for series or list

kpop oc/s

1. jane by @baejiyeonz

2. bee by @purpleyellow

3. lian by @nct-lian

4. taehui by @jeontaehui

nct

sungchan

1. [10:47 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

haechan

1. [5:21] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

2. you’re warm by @dreamystuffers | f

- a drunk hyuck can only mean a clingy hyuck.

3. you’re short too by @pastelsicheng | f

- 5 times hyuck teases u for ur height.

4. no title by @heychan | s

- dirty thought cockwarming haechan and johnny comes in to the room while you are trying to hide it but haechan doesn’t care.

5. wishes by @lucaswithnoshirt | a f

- standing on stage is everything you’ve dreamed of. except in the time it’s taken you to get there, you’ve been dreaming about other things, too.

jaehyun

1. moving in: the series by @jaehyun-ified | f

- after agreeing to move-in with jaehyun, you decided to curate a little series on your channel to both give in to your viewer’s request to have jaehyun frequently on your contents and to document your moving in process with the love of you life.

2. [8:14 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

3. boyfriend by @simpsiren | a

- a relationship with jaehyun wasn’t always perfect. there wasn’t a definite label on it, which only sent the relationship down a complicated pathway as we tried to find the meaning of our love once again.

4. best part by @okayoongii | f

- don’t know how to describe this tho, just read it. also 10/10

5. can i help you? by @sugarjaee | f s

- when working an extra long shift at work, your boyfriend surprises you with a visit.

6. stages of love by @biletdoux | a f s

- a playlist for the trials and tribulations of a beating heart.

7. [9:04 am] by @jeongvision | // f

- domestic fluffy blurb. 10/10!!

8. suds by @kim-taehung | s

- first person to move does the dishes for a week. nothing is off-limits.

9. promise by @bvbyxuxi | f a

- jaehyun has loved you since you were both kids, things were going well until he messed everything up; meeting again as young adults, he refuses to let you go again but would you give him another chance?

mark

1. one minus on plus one by @wonjaekook | f a

- in all of the years you’ve known jungwoo, you should have figured out to not take his words at face value because, though you haven’t even met, mark lee seems to hate your guts.

2. [12:03] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

3. pretty boy by @epinebleue | f a

- fluff, the tiniest bit of angst, the reader is two years older than mark, jaehyun makes an appearance as the reader’s fuck buddy, use of alcohol and drugs (marijuana), mentions of violence (mark punches someone), smut (protected sex, inexperienced!mark, dry humping).

4. camera flash by @morkleemelon | f

- mark taking a picture but forgot to remove flash waking up oc, pretty fluffy and cute! 10/10!!!

5. retrouvailles by @kireimarkeu | f

- counting down the days until you finally see your long-distance boyfriend.

jungwoo

1. [1:14 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

johnny

1. man-icure by @haejunehui | f

- based on jcc ep. 26

taeyong

1. reverb by @lovingonrepeat | s

- taeyong + studio sex.

2. unspoken by @bvbyxuxi | f s

- you had never thought to see taeyong again after your one night stand with him until this year where he takes you by surprise; turns out he wasn’t the guy you sought him out to be after all.

ten

1. [2:32 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

lucas

1. [4:31 pm] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

2. king of hearts by @raibebe | f s a

- a little bit of everything, a chef’s kiss.

yuta

1. [5:51 pm ] by @dont-look-down-on-me | f

- based on the nct relay cam.

doyoung

1. redamancy by @heavenlyhaechan | f

- this is just so fluffy! i wished to be doyong gf please.

2. fools together by @yongiefilms | f

- two fools in love with each other?

3. acedia by @jaeminscoffee | f

- a day in the life of yours and doyoung's love life.

4. our little secret by @haejunehui | f

- read to know their little secret. hehe.

5. caught red handed by @hannie-dul-set | f

- all you wanted to do was take a picture of the handsome law student during your train ride home. you did not expect things to end up like this.

jeno

1. i see red by @0097linersb | s

- pure filth 🥵10/10 tho.

2. addiction by @love-mi | s f

- you and jeno keep your relationship a secret to avoid backlash from your companies and fans; but keeping himself away only makes him want you more.

3. surprise visit by @nakamotonudes | f s

- you hadn’t seen your boyfriend for over a month because of his hectic schedule so when he suddenly shows up at your place one night for a surprise visit, you both have to make every second worth it.

bts

jungkook

1. the pitter-patter of the heart by @koorara | f s a //

- pieces of newlywed domestic moments with jungkook, your husband. the young film and literature lecturer and his wife, you, who works as a journalist of a web magazine. both of you managing the career, the time for each other and the new house. not to forget, chip, the cat that has been with you for years.

2. please love me by @ahundredtimesover | // f s a

- as the only unmarried jeon and kim children, your families propose a union to symbolize your unbreakable bond that spans generations. but despite developing an affection for jungkook growing up, he never returned it; he never seemed to like you, actually. you’re okay with the proposal, but surprise surprise, he isn’t.

3. first love, last love by @floralseokjin | f s //

- a collection of drabbles following the longterm relationship between jungkook and you...

4. second chances by @parkhabits | a s

- work. one of the most important things to him. It kept him company at night, it was all he thought about, all he put his attention to. his work had become the mistress within your marriage. years after you left him you’re back with only one goal in mind. get him to sign the damn divorce papers. yet you should’ve known that your husband wouldn’t let you go that easily.

5. crush by @jungxk | f s

- jungkook woke up with amnesia (?) he totally forgets that he has a wife and child. and he totally has a huge crush on his wife.

6. bare necessities by @gguksgalaxy | f s a

- when you ask your boyfriend for a relaxing vacation you don’t exactly expect him to take you to disneyland out of all places. luckily, jungkook knows just how to get you to relax — being needy is definitely not the way. or is it…

7. krampus for christmas by @ddaenysus | f

- when your daughter overhears your nightly activities close to christmas, jungkook takes it upon himself to convince her it was the sounds of the legendary demon goat.

8. a date with destiny by @imjustfanfictrash | f s

- you are a boss lady in the tech industry traveling to world for work. he is a chart-topping artist touring the globe to perform in front of millions of fans. In the cosmos of life, you are not likely to cross paths. luckily, fate has a different plan for you two.

9. stranded by @gguksgalaxy | f s a

- jungkook’s offer to help you study for your exam is unwelcome. his entire presence is unwelcome. you don’t want help from the guy who passes all his classes without even trying. it’s annoying — he is annoying. from the way he grins whenever he catches you staring at him, to the way his eyes shine whenever he smiles at you. oh, and let’s not forget the way his tattoos shift when he stretches or the way his jawline sharpens when he’s focused. nope, you definitely can’t stand him.

10. sprout by @v-hope | f

- after a nice evening out with your friends, you find yourself coming home to your sleeping toddler and the new hairstyle she had tried on your husband.

11. friday nights and take-out by @ahundredtimesover | // f s a

- you meet pop star/idol jeon jungkook at the café, you get close, and as hyejin says, you’re like friends with benefits without the sex. but you’re bad at feelings and so is he.

12. jealousy by @ephemeralkookie | f s a

- jungkook’s closest friend, namjoon is getting married and he invited you three to his wedding. the only unexpected thing was jisoo, his ex, and we’ll just say that you were not too happy to see her flirting with your boyfriend right under your nose

13. a quarter past us by @jjiimin | f a

- when you break up with him out of fear of losing your freedom in university, he finds himself showing you why leaving him isn’t the answer.

14. pretty boy by @angelguk | // f s a

- alternatively known as the jock!jk universe drabbles in vague chronological order.

15. summer solstice by @boulevardk | s

- down on your luck and desperate for a successful harvest, you pray to the gods. you figure no one in heaven was listening to your prayers when nothing happens immediately. but one fateful night, your prayers are answered. are you willing to pay the price? the sacrifice might not be what you were expecting….

16. lilac wisteria by @blushoseoks | f a

- over the years, things change - but the one constant is your love for lilac wisterias.…okay, maybe jungkook’s been there too.or, alternatively:the first time jeon jungkook says that he is going to marry you, you are five years old sitting underneath a large wisteria tree.

17. obsessed with your ass by @kooklovesu | f s

- jungkook has an obsession with your body he cant get enough of praising you. he wasn’t comfy showing the world his affection towards you in public because he’s a private guy, but when he finally did, good luck.

18. from home by @gyukult | // f s a

- jungkook is the youngest of five boys, the last in line to truly inherit any his parents’ money. but what if his mom suddenly cuts him off due to his current poor behavior and he’s forced to learn how it feels like to be part of the working class?

19. black card by @minsprings | // f s

- black card fic and drabbles, also a chef’s kiss.

20. oh my god, they were (quarantined) roommates by @ot7always | f s

- what do you do when you’re quarantined for months on end with jeon jungkook - s tier cuddler, workout robot, and thirst trap extraordinaire? fuck him, you guess.

21. let the games begin by @venusiangguk | s

- just another fic where oc rides jk in his gaming chair pls still read it tho lmao its hot i promise

22. the probability of us by @jiminrings | f s

- jungkook’s the son of the university’s president, y/n’s cardigan is everyone’s favorite, and adjacent walls mean shared victories.

23. open when by @iluv-hobi | f

- jungkook likes to write letters to you, especially ones with purposes, like “open when ___”. one day, on a particularly bad day, you open, “open when you’ve had a shitty day”.

24. good day by @ilikemesometaetaes | f s

- his motive was made quite clear once he called you out of work. he just wanted to spend a nice day with his girlfriend. is that too much to ask for?

25. calculated by @whatifyoulivelikethat | // s

- some people would call you far too serious. some would call you stuck-up. and some would call you a bitch. but to freshman jeon jungkook, you’re the head calculus I TA noona – and he’s determined to fuck you.

26. brat taming by @sugasbabiie | s a f

- jungkook has been your roommate for almost a year. since the day he moved in he has acted like nothing but a spoiled little brat who is used to getting anything and anyone he wants. he eats your food, he doesn’t clean, he’s loud, oh and now he has colored his hair the exact shade of blonde as you. He’ll do anything to get under your skin. you’ve had enough of his filthy mouth and his fuckboy ways. it’s time to tame that bratty little roommate of yours. think you can handle it?

27. sugarplum energy by @bymoonchild | f s a

- you know no bounds nor depth with jungkook. while your fuck buddy loves sleeping in your bed and doing laundry for you with his favourite fabric softener, you are in love with a mysterious honeyed, velvety voice on soundcloud. all’s fine, until you find out that the voice that metaphors your heart to a sweet sugarplum melody actually belongs to the boy who has been taking up a special spot in your bed and in your heart, strumming at your heartstrings all this while. or, jungkook has one braincell, but it’s heart-shaped.

28. ancient history by @moononthejoon | a s f

- there is no way to deny that you and jungkook have chemistry. the two of you used to be a couple, after all. what happens when after a not-so-amicable breakup the two of you are cast as opposite leads of a movie?

29. that’s not daddy by @nochuobsessed | f

- jungkook comes home with a new hair color and his sons can’t tell if he’s appa or not. pretty cute! 10/10

30. no title by @himbojk | s

- jk got a blowie from his oc while on a zoom class meeting, like cam on with a whole set up but his oc under the table sucking the life out of him while he sits and tries to take notes .

31. dilf jk by @himbojk | // s f

- dilf jk drabbles.

32. no title by @himbojk | s

- blond jk with full tattoo sleeve who looks like the baddest boy but is actually baby and just wants a handie in the library while studying with his oc because she aspires to have those high grades.

33. no title by @noteguk | s

- bf!jungkook going down on the reader while they watch anime.

34. silent treatment by @blu-joons | f

- baby kook asking daddy kook to say sorry to mommy. 10/10 too!

35. getting railed by @dearlytea | s

- getting dicked by your boyfriend during a train ride.

36. the view by @koyamuses | s

- jungkook knows exactly what turns you on; every kink, every dirty fantasy that’s buried deep within your mind. he knows exactly how to make you beg for it.

37. let’s play: dirty by @jungkxook | f s

- on today’s stream, watch as the king of gaming jeon jungkook gets totally pwned by some newbie player on overwatch (he swears he was stream sniped)! to make matters worse, he can’t seem to focus anymore when you’re in the room but he promises that’s not because he’s in love with you or anything. use code ‘jungkook’ on any game purchase through steam at checkout for 25% off so that jungkook has something to feel better about! iloveyou btw!

38. more dilf!jk by @cutechim | s

- oc thirsting over jk, talk about finances, jungwoo is an innocent cock-block as infants are, disrespect towards a major film franchise.

39. you are inherently beautiful by @ggukachuwu | f a

- when y/n and jungkook accidentally reveal their relationship to the public because she walked in on him doing a vlive and now netizens and kmedia are tearing apart her appearance because y/n is chubby from struggling with pcos. jungkook takes it upon himself to cheer her up because he absolutely adores her.

40. morning with jk by @min-arya | f

- jungkook drabble of him catching his s/o admiring him in the morning with soft sleepy cuddles.

41. even a forest fire dies out by @9uk | a s

- it became from “grab a coffee with me?” to “why should I grab a coffee with you?” too fast for your liking. you had thought the both of you were so in love with each other—only to realise it was only you who had fallen into this trap of feelings. and as for jungkook, he might have just been as confused as you are.

42. all that we had by @starlightauroras-writes | a s

- four years, two months and five days ago, you lost the love of your life with no explanation. living with a failed marriage at such a young age without knowing why was impossibly hard, and when you’re invited to your high school reunion, knowing he would be there, you really don’t want to go. what happens when you do leaves you questioning fate.

43. aquarium by @whatifyoulivelikethat | // a

- life after jeon jungkook was grey. you had to find your own color, grow your own rainbow. but what would surprise you the most is the appearance of white cosmos, seven of them clutched tightly in kim taehyung’s hand.

44. contentment by @btsqualityy | f s

- oc’s using jk’s card to buy rug and the rest is history. 10/10!!

45. heartbreaker with a heart of gold by @filmflowersbangtan | a s

- love this!!! you know i love me some angst! 10/10!!!!!

46. the ikea test by @mercurygguk | f

- you and jeongguk face the IKEA test. successfully? sure!

47. before you universe by @ephemeralkookie | // a f s

- jungkook has taken a huge place in your life after he tattooed you, and you can’t even picture how life was before him. he has always been there for you since day one. but how will things change after you find out you’re pregnant?

48. christmas cream(pie) by @smoochkooks | s f

- a day before christmas dinner with your boyfriend’s parents, you discover another alternative way to use the chocolate cream you’re making. jungkook is more than willing to indulge in your little fantasy.

49. last minute by @moononthejoon | f s

- christmas day had gone by, and now you were back home after holidays with your family. your friends had agreed to have a late christmas party, but as always, you and jungkook procrastinated gift buying.

50. you go in knowing bros together by @blu-joons | f

- a cute fluffy knowing at knowing bros moment.

51. no title by @v-hope | f

- the way y/n would react when someone else flirts with jk and how he’d handle the situation.

52. hair dye by @mercurygguk | f s

- jungkook got his hair dyed while at work. you lose your mind the moment he steps through the door.

53. stay gold by @yeojaa | s

- blond!jk being a good boy?

54. crystal snow by @honeyj00ns | f

- when you join Jungkook and the rest of the guys for some fun in the snow, he can’t help but feel jealous.

55. 6:21 am by @sincerelyourfangirl | f

- in which he makes your morning extra special.

56. plan b by @btsracket | s

- dressing room quickie, unprotected sex request, use of Plan b pill

57. possession by @bngtanah | s

- jungkook is your boyfriend, sometimes you have to remind him what that means.

58. puffs and touches by @mintseesaw | f s

- “Stop doing that with your face, someone else is going to snatch you up”

59. the quiet things by @btsracket | s

- sleeping bag sex.

60. good boy by @ephemeralkookie | s

- secret, read to find out AHAHAHHA.

61. make it right by @jungkxook | a s

- you’re wholeheartedly, madly in love with jungkook and yet you shouldn’t be because it’s been almost a year since you broke up with him. worst part of it all is that you know he’s still in love with you too

62. it takes two by @junghelioseok | s

- struggling with the idea of your ex-boyfriend moving on, you enlist the help of your quiet roommate in a scheme that quickly spirals out of control.

jimin

1. picking petals by @cutechim | s

- you asked for a baby, so a baby is what you’re going to get.

taehyung

1. daddy by @btsracket | f s

- there’s only one choice when this happens on a date out.

2. love me or we both go down by @gukyi | f s a

- after going through with an arranged marriage to please his parents and secure his inheritance of the family business, kim taehyung thinks he’s got it all figured out. he doesn’t. apparently just being married to you isn’t enough, not when everybody and their mother can pick up on the fact that the two of you absolutely loathe each other. but taehyung wants his inheritance one way or another, so he decides that desperate times call for desperate measures: the two of you need to fall in love, and you need to fall in love fast.

3. saudade by @jiminssthetic | a s f

- a demanding idol lifestyle was something taehyung and yourself were all too familiar with. it wasn’t so hard when considering your unconditional love for one another, but lately, taehyung wasn’t the same anymore; and you decide it’s time to find out why.

4. ineffable by @99liners | f

- boyfriend taehyung takes care of his sick s/o.

5. tease by @caiuscassiuss | s

- you knew you were hot. you saw how the guys looked at you, how their eyes were drawn to a tight t-shirt or short skirt. and maybe this would fail epically—crash and burn like a failed experiment—but you wanted to get under kim taehyung’s skin the only way you knew how.

6. aquarium by @whatifyoulivelikethat | // a

got7

yugyeom

1. yugyeom as you boyfriend by @sunshinekookie | f

- i need more yugyeom fics in my life.

astro

eunwoo

1. rainy say saviour by @imsarahbum | f a

- upon seeing you getting bullied after school for being short, dongmin can’t help but step in and defend you - despite both of you not really knowing anything about each other.

anyway, thank you again for the writers please take care and be safe!

please free to recommend your favorite fic that i haven’t feature yet.

if the links won’t work and i labelled some fics wrong please let me know and i’ll try to fix it as soon as possible!

support the fic and the writers!

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robininthelabyrinth · 3 years ago

Text

Beautifully Spent

aka Five Times Lan Qiren Left The Lan Sect Behind

- Chapter 3 -

“No classes for the remainder of the day today,” the teacher said, and everyone, most of them already long ago having started to drift off in the hazy afternoon, sending longing looks towards the windows, turned to look at him, surprised. Even Lan Wangji couldn’t help himself – not that he’d been looking away, of course.

(He’d been not-looking at Wei Wuxian.)

Their teacher smiled indulgently. “A special treat for today, in anticipation of the special treat you will all be receiving tomorrow.”

“A treat?” Nie Huaisang asked, sitting up straighter. “What treat?”

“The sect leader’s brother has returned for a visit –”

“Teacher Lan?” Jiang Cheng exclaimed, looking irrepressibly excited, and abruptly the entire room burst out into a flurry of speech. It was only that they had all met him or heard of him, in his years of wandering through the cultivation world – the teacher of whom it was said that he could teach anyone, turn even the most dissolute waste into a proper and upright gentleman, deserving of respect. It seemed as if everyone had an anecdote to share: some visit they’d heard of, some trick or talent, an opportunity to hear him play…

Lan Wangji maintained his composure through an effort of will. No matter how much he might want to leap to his feet and rush out the door, going to find his uncle at once, there would be no point: his uncle was a stickler for decorum, and he would first pay his respects to his brother, Lan Wangji’s father, and then to the memorial hall. Only in the evening would Lan Wangji have a chance to see him and speak to him, and even then there would be a limited amount of time before they all had to go to bed…

Lan Wangji found himself rising to his feet despite himself.

“Hey, hey, Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed, bouncing over to him and grabbing at him, tugging on his sleeves as if to get his attention. His hands felt hot as a brand, and Lan Wangji could only be relieved at the protective layers of clothing that separated them. He felt his ears go a bit hot regardless, undoubtedly affected by Wei Wuxian’s unnecessary spreading of warmth. “Teacher Lan, he’s your uncle, right? You must have met him lots of times – you must have the best stories – tell us some!”

Lan Wangji leveled his best glare at him. It was a good glare, one that the junior disciples found quite frightening and made guest disciples avoid him.

Well. Most guest disciples.

“Noisy,” he said, disapproving, but Wei Wuxian was undeterred.

“Teacher Lan says that I learn best through action,” he boasted. “Quiet contemplation is wasted on those with too much energy; it’s necessary to excise the energy first, and to channel it, and so for people like me, it’s best to confront things directly, to see things with my own eyes and confront me with puzzles to challenge me!”

That seemed like a remedy his uncle would have prescribed. Lan Wangji could imagine the slightly-amused, mostly-long-suffering his uncle’s eyes would have had when he had recited it, undoubtedly in the same monotone he always used which for some reason seemed to irritate other adults so much.

“It was amazing!” Wei Wuxian continued. “I got to go on night-hunts two years early, thanks to him!”

“He also said that you needed to be smacked on a regular basis lest you get too full of yourself,” Jiang Cheng interjected, and that also sounded very much like something Lan Wangji’s uncle might have said. “Also, remember when you called him a boring old stick in the mud?”

“Argh, Jiang Cheng! Don’t mention that, you’ll embarrass me in front of Lan Zhan –”

Lan Wangji belatedly realized that Wei Wuxian was still holding his arm and felt his ears go from slightly hot to very hot, feeling somewhat attacked even though he knew it wasn’t something Wei Wuxian was intentionally or maliciously doing towards him. He shook Wei Wuxian off and slipped out the door.

He had to talk to his uncle right away.

His uncle, he thought, would know how to fix his current malady: the one where he thought about Wei Wuxian all the time, whether during the day or at night. The way his temperature rose, his heartbeat accelerated, how he couldn’t control his emotions or maintain his discipline the way he should…

His uncle would fix everything.

It wouldn’t be the first time he’d done it. He’d gone wandering through the world long ago, well before Lan Wangji was born – before Lan Xichen was born, even before their father ever met their mother. He’d been barely older than Lan Wangji was now, in fact; it had been far earlier than it should have been, in the normal course of things. There had been some dispute, though whether it was with Lan Wangji’s father or grandfather remained unknown; indeed, Lan Wangji didn’t know anything about it at all, only that his uncle had left without looking back.

He’d first been a traveling musician, but eventually he had developed a reputation as a teacher. It was said that at some point when he was staying as a guest in some small sect or another, he’d run into some disastrous good-for-nothing of a person, useless and bitter with it, and somehow managed to figure out how to help them cultivate properly – or was the first one he’d helped a beastly hellion who wouldn’t learn anything, and he’d taught them both their letters and how to study, turning them into a scholar?

It didn’t really matter which had come first. In the end, he’d gotten a reputation for himself as a valuable teacher in the same vein as some legendary marvel of an itinerant doctor, the sort that could only be hoped for but not invited, and a bit of an adventurer besides – it was said that he’d saved Lao Nie’s life through some unspecified circumstance, averted Cangse Sanren’s doomed fate through happenstance, helped repair Jiang Fengmian’s broken marriage, and was even rumored to have had a brief personal liaison with the terrifying Sect Leader Wen…

Not that Lan Wangji listened to such things, of course. Talking behind other people’s backs is forbidden…although naturally, as the head of the discipline hall, he had more reason than most to need to know about all the wildest things people were saying.

At any rate, it was all beside the point. Lan Wangji’s uncle had gone out, made a reputation for himself, and then, just when he might have been tempted away for good somewhere else, had come home and won back his place in the Lan sect from his brother. Indeed, Lan Wangji’s father had reason to thank him more than most – it had been upon hearing what had happened with Lan Wangji’s mother, all those years ago when his parents had first gotten married, that Lan Wangji’s uncle had returned. Perhaps it was his years out on the road that had given him the strength and boldness to reject the solution the elders had devised, to castigate them all viciously and demand a better result – it wasn’t really clear.

What was clear, though, was that no one knew the Lan sect rules better than Uncle Qiren, and he’d developed a temper at some point during his travels outside; he’d attacked the whole arrangement from start to end, insisting that they come up with some other way to balance love and justice, protection of the person and protection of the sect’s face. Lan Wangji’s mother to this day swore that if she’d actually been locked up in a little house for the rest of her life, she’d have been long ago died of sheer boredom.

Of course, now that she was a little older, she tended to stay at her Gentian House most of the day regardless, disdaining the outdoors. But her home there was a place with windows open and people coming and going at all hours – it was a place of joy and happiness, laughter and light. Lan Wangji’s father tended to go there when he was starting to revert back to how he’d been before, those not-so-good days when Lan Wangji was young, and he always vastly improved after getting a tongue-lashing or two.

Lan Wangji wasn’t sure how many of the stories about his uncle were true and how many were rampant exaggeration – his uncle claimed the latter, but his mother insisted on the former, and his father, who rarely spoke without careful contemplation, eventually opined that it was somewhere in the middle.

In fairness, Lan Wangji didn’t much care, either. He had long ago taken his uncle as his role model, trying to fashion himself to be just like him whether in righteousness or rule-abidingness or even in musical talent. He was sure, deep in the depths of his soul, that his uncle could solve just about anything he put his mind to.

And yet he was sure, sure, that his uncle could never have encountered a problem like Wei Wuxian.

“Wei Wuxian?” his uncle said, blinking and rubbing his eyes – he’d stepped out of the memorial hall just now as a result of Lan Wangji’s urgency. “Oh, yes. I remember him. Bright boy. I thought you’d like him.”

Lan Wangji shook his head resolutely. How could he like someone like that?

Someone who made him feel…the way he did?

“Explain further.”

Lan Wangji did his best.

Irritatingly, about three-quarters of the way into his stumbling description, his uncle began to smile, his eyes curving just a little, and eventually to chuckle quietly.

Lan Wangji stopped, frowning – his uncle rarely smiled, and even more rarely laughed.

“No, no,” his uncle said. “Forgive me. It is a serious matter.”

Lan Wangji knew it!

“I will spend some time carefully observing Wei-gongzi,” his uncle continued, and Lan Wangji frowned again, suddenly anxious. “I promise, I will not let anything escape my gaze.”

Lan Wangji’s anxiety spiked even further: his uncle was quite strict regarding the rules in the Cloud Recesses, and Wei Wuxian had already broken so many – he would undoubtedly be found out, and punished. It was no more than Wei Wuxian deserved, really, and yet – at the same time….

He cleared his throat. “Uncle, are you sure that’s necessary?”

“Oh yes,” his uncle said. “I must make sure he’s acceptable if he’s to be my in-law, isn’t he?”

Lan Wangji stared.

“You’re my beloved nephew,” his uncle said. “Naturally I must make sure that anyone you like is up to standard –”

“Uncle!” Lan Wangji cried out, feeling deeply betrayed. Possibly by himself.

His uncle shook his head. “Forgive me, Wangji. I will stop. But that is the explanation for your symptoms. I have observed similar things many times.”

Lan Wangji sat down, distressed. It hadn’t even occurred to him, although knowing his parents as he did meant that he was very familiar with the notion that love was not necessarily an enjoyable feeling, and perhaps especially not when you were first afflicted by it. “But…what do I do about it?”

His uncle touched his shoulder lightly, offering comfort. “Having emotions is a good thing, Wangji; it connects you to the rest of the world,” he said. “Understanding them, and knowing what action to take, is a matter of experience, for logic is of limited use in interpreting the heart.”

Lan Wangji nodded. “You will help, then?”

“…I will do my best,” his uncle said. “I may need to consult on the matter from those that understand certain aspects of these sorts of things a little better than I. But I promise, you will not have to face it alone.”

Lan Wangji nodded yet again, deeply relieved.

They would figure it out.

They would fix it.

His uncle would help.

#mdzs #lan qiren #lan wangji #wei wuxian #wangxian #my fic #my fics #beautifully spent

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footballfanfictions · 3 years ago

Text

The thrill of the chase - Chapter Six

Pairings: Mason Mount/OC, Ben Chilwell/OC

Warnings: Grovelling Ben and a very upset Mason.

------------------------------------------------------------

Katie

Three more days passed with radio silence from Ben. I stormed into my office on Thursday morning feeling incredibly grumpy and resentful towards everyone else. That was until I opened the door and the smell of fresh flowers hit my nose.

Every available surface apart from a small workspace on the desk was covered in vases filled with white roses, lilies and purple flowers that I didn’t recognise.

As I moved some of the vases to make space to set up my computer and tablet next to my screen I realised that there was someone stood in my doorway.

“Billy! I’ve not seen you for days. How are you?”I asked chirpily, my bad mood already lifting.

“Ye good darl, see you got Chilly’s flowers then?” he stepped closer to one vase and inspected the flowers before saying “I think mine for Bri were better.”

I laughed, shaking my head at him. The start up screen on the computer flashed up and I logged in. Immediately I started to get google alerts and other pop ups for our social media channels and some of the players’ personal accounts.

“You’re going to be busy today. Mason’s mrs has been all over social media going bat shit crazy all evening, accusing him of cheating and allsorts.”

I narrowed my eyes at the screen trying to pick out Mason’s name in the pop ups.

“Are you sure?” I asked as I scrolled through.

Billy was right though, Mason’s social media was flooded with people commenting in the defence of his girlfriend, asking how he could ever dare cheat on her. I clicked through from Mason’s page to hers and listened to the short clip from her tik tok where she explained that Mason’s head wasn’t fully in their relationship and she felt that could only mean one thing, that he was cheating on her. I rolled my eyes but at the same time I didn’t quite know what to think. Was Mason really that type of guy? Footballers have a really shit reputation for cheating because they can basically get any girl that they want but we had that chat the other day when I was upset about Ben and he had told me that he didn’t want to end things with her because he was scared of being alone.

“Do you think he actually did it? I can do a better job of squashing this if he didn’t”

Billy shook his head and straight away said “No way. Ok he’s not really in it anymore but he feels really bad about that because they’ve been together so long and she even went with him when he played for Vitesse.”

“Do you think that you can send him my way when he’s free? I’ll do my best to block the trolls and we’ll deal with the rest when I see him.”

--------------------------------------------------------

“I am so sorry for running out on you last weekend.”

Ben had come in from training to spend his lunch break with me and was currently grovelling. I was quite enjoying having his attention again and wasn’t going to let him off the hook for disappearing that easily.

“Can I ask what was so important?”

“It’s going to sound stupid but I went back to Leicester. There was this kid there that I used to give my shirts to every week and he tweeted that it was his birthday and that he never got my shirt from the last game I played so I kind of panicked and drove up there with it.” he said.

He seemed genuine and if true, that was a very nice thing to do for a young fan. I felt the ice wall around my heart melt a little.

“I guess I can forgive you then.” I smiled.

“I hope no one told you to stop seeing me.” he mumbled, his head slightly turned in the direction of the door as if he was checking no one was listening.

I laughed and took a dramatic pause before I responded. “Bri was too loved up with Billy to give any kind of real opinion on the matter and the only other person I spoke to was Mase who told me that I should give you another chance.”

Ben shifted uncomfortably in his seat at the mention of Mason’s name which seemed a little bit weird but then again he probably knew about what was happening in Mason’s relationship right now so dropped whatever he was going to say about it.

“Do you want to go and see a movie later? Mads has been going on and on about one he saw recently. Can’t remember the name of the top of my head but it sounds good.”

“That sounds nice. As long as it’s not a horror film then I’m up for it.” I responded.

Then feeling bad that I had been a bit stand-offish with him, I leant across the desk and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. As I sat back down in my seat he mumbled “tease.”

“Sorry you still don’t get to go back to full benefits that easy Mr Chilwell.” I grinned.

“Ok then gorgeous. Can I pick you up at about 7? I’ll look at the film times and see if we can squeeze dinner in before.” he said, standing from his chair and subtly trying to brush crumbs from his sandwich onto the floor.

“Yeah ok, I’ll be ready by then. I’m hoping that I won’t need to stay late tonight.” I stood from behind the desk to see him out and pecked him again on the lips just outside my office.

“See you later.” he grinned before leaving in the direction of the training pitches.

Just as Ben turned the corner, Mason came towards the door from the opposite direction, his brow furrowed.

“Are you here to see me?” I asked him.

“Of course, you asked for me?”

He sounded very upset so I tried my best not to get snappy at him.

“Sorry, I just wasn’t sure if you had gotten the message that’s all. Come in and I’ll make us a drink.”

His expression softened a little then and he entered the office, heading straight for the more comfortable chairs over the in the corner.

Thinking that it might be more comforting than a coffee, I made him a hot chocolate and finished it off with whipped cream on top. The only thing missing from it was some chocolate sprinkles.

He laughed when I passed him the mug and said “hey where are the smarties or the dolly mixtures?”

“It does seem like it needs something on top of the cream doesn’t it?” I laughed.

We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes while Mason sipped his drink and tried to calm himself down.

“I’ve seen her video.” I started.

“It’s a load of shit. You know it’s a load of shit right? Do you know what brought her to post that? They have a fucking new song coming out that’s about cheating and revenge and she wanted to use our relationship to promote it so their PR people told her to post a video about suspecting me of cheating to get her social media engagement up!” his voice escalated in volume as he spoke.

“Are you telling me that it was fake?”

He nodded. “Sorry for getting so angry and aggressive about it but how dare she shit on me and my image to further hers?!”

“Fuck, ok. I’m trying to think about how we manage this. If we come out and say that you haven’t done anything then I’m sure she’ll make your life living hell for it. If you were to break up with her over this, she can then make it spiral even more out of control and can use that to almost confirm her story.” I sighed, feeling so frustrated and angry for him.

“I want to break up with her now. I can’t stand the sight of her face. I don’t think I can go home and see her tonight. I don’t know what to do. I know you say she can then make it worse but I don’t know if I care at this point.” he put his head in his hands.

“Speaking to you as a friend, I think you need to do what is best for you and we will deal with the fall out from it together. We put out something this afternoon on your socials that deny her claims and we continue to do that until the story dies.” I said.

He looked over the top of his hands at me and nodded.

“Do you trust me to do this for you?” I asked.

“Of course. I’m grateful for your time. I know this isn’t exactly part of your job.”

“Marina would never forgive me if I let this get out of control and it started to affect your performance of the pitch or brought the image of the club into disrepute.” I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently, hoping that he found the little bit of contact reassuring.

He looked at me, the hands that had been covering his face now in his lap and bit his lip. There was a silence between us again, and just as I was about to ask him if he felt any better, he leant in and pressed his lips against mine, his left hand coming up and cupping my cheek.

It took a lot longer for me to react and pull away from him than it should have, and he looked shocked when I did.

“Fuck!” he shouted before scrambling out of his seat and walking quickly to the door, running his hands through his hair. “Fuck!” he shouted again before slamming the door shut behind him.

#ben chilwell #mason mount #football fanfiction #football fanfictions #chelsea fc

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nowitstimetoheal · 2 years ago

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Dear Dad

Dear readers ~ first of all, I want to warn you that this letter discusses my actual childhood sexual assault, neglect, and describes a disturbing amount of hate and anger I had and the thoughts of homicide and my suicide attempt. This will not be for everyone. If these discussions trigger you, please know your feelings are valid. It’s alright to be triggered even though people want to weaponize that against you and make it seem like you’re overreacting. You are not overreacting. You’re hurt and are dealing with things that people can’t see or feel for themselves. Being triggered is your brain’s way of protecting you. I’m sorry you’re going through whatever you’re going through. I hope that if you choose to read this that it might be able to articulate your thoughts or helps you see things in a different light. I hope that you find peace. I hope you will know love. I hope you can heal. You are worth it. Your life is worth living. I know it’s easy for some schmuck to say that. It’s entirely different to mean it. I’ve been through my own hell and it took me a long time to accept that my life is worth living. I sincerely hope you can reach that same bliss. Because it really is so freeing to realize you matter.

October 6, 2022

7:17 PM - Surprise, AZ

Dear Dad,

It’s been a long time since we last spoke or saw each other, so I’m sure this is out of the blue and you’re wondering why I’m suddenly writing to you.

Maybe you’re interested. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you think I’mw writing to ask forgiveness for what happened between us. The truth is that I don’t care one way or the other how you feel. I’m doing this for me, and me alone, so take it as you will.

Since the beginning of the lockdown, I’ve been watching a lot of tarot readings. Yes, I know mom wouldn’t be happy about it and you probably think my soul is going to hell because of that.

Save me a seat, I guess.

Anyway… these readers have told me over and over again that I have something from my past that I need to heal so that I can move on and be happy. It’s easy to say that love and abundance are coming into someone’s life. I could start up a YouTube channel and do just that so I can quit my job, but then I found a couple of readers who mentioned things I’ve never told anyone. Not my closest friends, not my fiancé, not a priest, religious leader, a therapist… not even my dog.

It’s taken me nearly three years to figure out what they were talking about, but then, a few readers mentioned that I could use my gift to help others heal.

It dawned on me immediately what it was that I needed to heal and so, here I am, using my gift of writing to make myself vulnerable so I can try and heal this pain so that I can have the life you robbed me of.

The first memory I have was of two men standing over mer, one holding my wrists in one hand, my waist in the other while the other man held my ankles up while he raped me.

Remember that, dad? You should. You were there too. You were watching all of it happen just feet away. But instead of being enraged to the point of murdering these men like other men have, you just stood there and watched.

Why?

What happened that would lead you to allowing your only daughter, your three year old child to be raped by two men?

Did you care about how this would affect me for the rest of my life? Did you think I would forget about it because of how young I was?

Did you ever look at me or at my mother and think of what happened?

Do you regret it? Do you wish you had done anything different to protect me?

Part of me doesn’t think you did. Know why? Because of how you looked at me until I left the family. Yes, I’ll admit it. I left the family. You didn’t actually disown me. You gave me two options: respect you (and that absolute cunt of a wife you moved into mom’s bed weeks after she died you bastard) or leave. I couldn’t respect you because you chose to believe her over me. You let her label all the food except the spaghetti for me and AJ to eat. You let her tell me to get a job if I wanted to eat while you told me I couldn’t have one. I couldn’t respect either of you for that so I left.

But anyway, I digress….

You looked at me like I was a piece of meat you could have. That’s why I hid in my room all the time. Remember that orange halter dress I had when I was in high school? I loved it so much. I felt so pretty in it and you had to go and take that away from me by ogling me.

Sure, it was going to happen. I wanted my boyfriend to ogle me. I wanted other cute guys at school to ogle me. That was fine because they were my age.

A girl should never be sexualized by her own god damn father.

You fucking disgusting dog.

I wanted to kill you and AJ when I was five. Did you know about that? I wonder if mom knew. I wonder if anyone knew that. I had plans on how I would do it. I was going to put bleach in your coffee. I didn’t do anything because I knew I would be caught. I was so angry, but I didn’t know why.

I had forgotten what had happened. I just knew anger. I knew I was afraid of you. I knew I hated the way you looked at me. I hated being around you.

We all did though.

Mom wanted to divorce you when I was five. She was talking to your mom about it once. We were at grandma’s house. AJ and I were standing in the front room, remember the one she used to put the Christmas tree in so we could see it from the street or see the neighbor guy who played Santa Claus? The room where we played Monopoly and checkers? That room.

Grandma told grandpa that mom wanted to divorce you. That was when mom came straight to me and told me to tell her if I ever didn’t like you.

I wanted to say how much I hated you, but I didn’t. I was scared.

It wasn’t fair of her to put it on me, but I think about it sometimes. Would she still be here if I had spoken up? If I had been braver, would she have gotten cancer? Would we be happier? Would we be normal?

Do you realize the pain you’ve caused? Do you care? Do you wonder what would have happened if you and mom had divorced? Did you have to be in control? Did you threaten to take AJ and I if she pursued it?

She was so sad, but had so much to give. Do you realize that? She could talk to anyone like she’d known them forever. She was the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I think you put her in a glass container like a firefly because you didn’t want to give her up. You stifled her, you stifled me, you stifled AJ. You ruined three lives because of how fucking selfish you were.

I didn’t understand why I was so angry all the time. I didn’t understand why AJ got all the attention no matter how hard I tried. You took so much happiness, so much joy, so much life.

I wanted my uncles to do terrible things to me. I wanted to crush weak men. The rage I had was hard to control.

It wasn’t until a few years ago, just before the pandemic, that I remembered what had happened. I watched a documentary about a girl who admitted to having the same kinds of thoughts I did. It was terrifying and confusing. Everything snapped back into my mind like my brain had tried to hide this terrible memory away with duct tape, but the tape failed and memories flooded back to me.

I realized this is why I lashed out so much when I was a kid. Why I had a bad relationship with food. Why I couldn’t form a decent relationship with anyone. I had to have control over absolutely everything because I was the only one who could keep me safe. Do you understand that? As a *child* I had to control things because I didn’t think anyone would protect me.

I acted out as a way to cry out for help. I didn’t know the words to use. I didn’t understand what had happened so I did what I could to get someone, ANYONE, to help me. But no one listened.

I could have jumped up on top of a table in a crowded room and screamed until my vocal cords snapped and no one would care.

It would just be “Shut up Zoë. AJ’s the only one that matters. Not you. No one cares that you were raped and that you were only three. No one cares. You don’t matter you stupid, pathetic, useless, ugly little cretin!”

Why didn’t I matter to anyone? Why did no one love me enough to protect me? I was a baby. I was so small. Why did you hate me? Why did you do this to me? WHY ME?!?! I wanted to die. I took a handful of pills the night after mom died. I was so scared of what you were going to do to me.

What did you do that led up to you letting your coworkers rape me? Oh yeah, I remember them wearing their camos.

The weird thing is, I’m not angry with them. I will never have justice for what happened. Not from them, not from you. I’ve struggled thinking a higher power cares about me. It’s taken me a long time to figure out what I believe in religiously and spiritually, but I’m making progress. I’m learning to be grateful for all the bad that’s come into my life and I’m trying to look at things that go wrong in my life and try to understand why it’s happened.

I’m going to have to learn how to clearly and efficiently communicate my emotions, especially when I’m upset, to my partners. I’m going to have to learn that most people aren’t going to flip out on me when I’m angry about something and trust they’ll listen to me and do what they can to rectify the situation. Do you understand that because of something you let happen to me when I was a child has made me so skittish and pathetic that I can’t ask my partner to turn down his music a little because I am terrified he’ll lash out at me? He has a terrible temper - like you -- fuck he’s so much like you - but it’s not fair to think he’ll get upset about something simple like a volume adjustment. It’s not like I’m asking him for $200.

I have a lot of work to do to become normal again. It’s going to take so much trust in other people and I am scared I’m going to fail and be alone for the rest of my life.

Step one involves getting back out on my own. I’m going to have to leave my current fiancé because I realize he’s not good for me. He just doesn’t care about me. I think he has a lot of personal work to do for himself too. I hope that me leaving will help him see that and it’ll be the catalyst to him becoming his best self.

Step two is to make myself a priority. Eat better, exercise, pay off debt, save money, buy a car, make close friends I can have fun with and trust, start my own business, take a cooking class or two, and dare to be able to dream of having enough to save up for retirement.

All of this pain over a stupid decision you made when I was three.

I hope you can taste your regret.

I will never have justice and fuck you for that.

But what more can I do? What more can I say? I could keep on hating you and pulling those memories back up. What good does that do for me? It doesn’t. It just keeps hurting me and I’m so sick of being tired and sad. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of not having love in my life. I’m tired of not having friends.

I heard you remarried and are actually happy now. That’s good. I heard AJ got married and had a baby. I’ll never know my nephew or sister in law because I can’t be around you and you’ve all poisoned AJ against me.

I hear you became a born again Christian.

I pray God will deal with you on my behalf. You’ll get yours in ways I can never carry out.

I’m still angry, I’m still hurt (I’m crying hard right now but this has been cathartic to write). Can you be angry and still forgive? I have to let this go. I have to. I’ll never heal if I don’t and I want so much to heal. It won’t happen overnight, I know that, but in time it will. I just have to take this first step.

I hope one day I find a friend who is close enough to me to be like a sister and her dad is a good man who loves his daughter unconditionally and would do anything to protect her. I hope I can look at their relationship and pretend that was us. Would that be a Band-Aid though?

I was so proud of you being in the military. For a long time. I remember when you went off to Desert Storm and how grandma hung a picture the news station took of me when you were coming back. I had a big floppy hat on and a little American flag. I think I had on a pink and white striped shirt and my hair was short.

You know… I didn’t know you worked with the Special Olympics. That’s really commendable and admirable and I’m proud of you for that. That was really touching to learn.

I’m sorry to hear you have cancer now and are having problems paying for monthly bills. Fuck cancer. It sounds like your prognosis is good and I’m glad to hear of that. Just because I’m angry with you doesn’t mean I wish the worst on you. I’m not you.

I have to move on from all this. I have to let this go. I have to heal. I have to love myself and learn how to live. I have to be both a mother and a father to myself. I have to protect and care for my inner child the way you and mom should have. I know I treated mom like she was perfect after she died, but I was a kid when she left us. What more could you expect? Did you know she said she wanted to call me Sai? I wish I had been brave enough to ask her why. I presumed she was talking about Sais. I didn’t understand where that came from because I thought our conversation had been pleasant. I didn’t know what I had said to make her say that. I just walked away because I was scared to ask. I wish I knew what she meant.

Anyway, I have a lot to do, so - I forgive you. Completely. I hope you know peace in your golden years. I hope one morning, you wake up early and go for a walk. I hope that morning, it’s misty and the sky looks like it’s made of velvet until the golden orange sun rises and bathes everything in light. I hope that morning is quiet and cool. I hope when that morning happens, you think of me.

Take care daddy.

- Zoë

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sulphuryasecretcloset · 4 years ago

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His children

(How did Davarax end up with his troubled children?)

“Davarax. A word.”

Slightly surprised, Davarax glances over as Mardsk walks towards him. The guy is one of the Teachers, one who rarely spoke to the Fighting Corps. Sure, Davarax had been a Teacher once too but that was years ago and most just consider him a Fighter now.

“What can I help you with, ner vod?” Davarax asks, curious.

Mardsk comes to a halt in front of him, seems to struggle for words and gives a big sigh before he just jumps into it. “Paz Vizla.”

Davarax frowns. The heir to the Vizla clan, he's seen the young boy around and knows he will one day be a valuable member of the Fighting Corps, judging by his size and love for battle. “What about him?”

“He's a problem.” Mardsk blurts out. “The boy is a bully. He keeps picking on my Spring Class, beats them up and terrifies them.”

Davarax' frown deepens and he crosses his arms thoughtfully. “Wait. Your Spring Class? Aren't they, what, three or four years older than him?”

“Yeah, so?” Mardsk replies with a slight edge to his voice. “The boy is a bully nonetheless. He's disruptive and constantly challenging my authority, thinking he's above the rules because he's a Vizla.”

“And what do you want me to do about it?” Davarax does not like where this is going.

“You train him.” Mardsk plows on. “You have experience with difficult kids and you know she would approve of us keeping the Vizla clan quiet.”

Not liking Mardsk using his connection to her one bit, Davarax still doesn't reject the request right away. He's always had a weakness for the outcasts. “Let me talk to him...”

And true to his word, later that day, Davarax hunts down the kid. He finds him sitting in one of the study rooms, reading on one of the datapads there.

Paz Vizla is big, Davarax has no trouble seeing how he can take on and defeat children years older than himself, but there is nothing menacing about the young boy right now. He is devouring the information on the datapad, which a quick peek reveals to be Mandalorian history. Interesting.

“Hey.” Davarax gets his attention. “You know who I am?”

Paz looks up at him, slightly curious but completely self-assured. “Yeah. You're Davarax. You're-”

Davarax nods. “That's me. Pleased to meet you, Paz Vizla.”

Now Paz frowns and he sits up a little straighter. “What do you want?” There is a challenge in his words as well as in the insolent stare. He is his father's son, alright.

“I wanted to meet you.” Davarax sits on the desk next to him. “Because they want me to train you.”

“Figures.” Paz scoffs with obvious contempt. “Mardsk is a coward.”

Amused, Davarax tilts his head and scans the kid's body language. It's a wonderful mess of arrogance and insecurity. He's angry, but also clearly hurt by Mardsk's action. Not completely corrupted by his father, then. Good. “He just knows when he's out of his league. That's not a bad thing, ad'ika. It can save your life outside the Covert.” Davarax sees the youngster wobbling between the lingering hurt and the inferred compliment. “So, would you be okay with that? Me training you?”

Paz looks at him, scans him in return and leans back in his chair. “Why would you want to do that? You're on the Fighting Corps. You don't do teacher stuff anymore.”

Davarax shrugs. “I might make an exception for you.”

“For me? Why? Because I'm a Vizla?” Paz drawls, suspicious.

“No.” Davarax says. “Because I think you have a lot of potential and you will do great things for the Covert. I also think that maybe you need someone who understands you a little better to help that happen.”

Paz shifts uneasily on his chair, his gaze flickers and ruins his pretend arrogance. He swallows and makes himself meet Davarax' gaze. “And that's you?”

“That's me.”

“And who is to say you won't just hand me off to some other teacher?”

Davarax shakes his head. “I won't do that.” His words are calm and secure, no doubt whatsoever.

Paz considers it, then turns back to the datapad and shrugs. “Fine. Sure. Whatever.”

And just like that, Davarax had the first of what would be known as the Fearsome Four.

It takes a long time for him to gain Paz' trust and respect, but with a calm and steady approach, not responding to Paz' tantrums but rather making him use his words; the boy's energy is eventually channeled where it is meant to go.

It doesn't mean Paz stops getting into fights, not by a long shot, but now he at least goes after the ones capable of defending themselves and guilty of some kind of offense, and not just some random victim that crosses Paz' path.

Then comes the morning when Davarax hears a knock on the door to his quarters, opens it and finds another teacher standing there with a tight grip on a tiny, skinny boy's neck.

The boy stares sullenly at the floor, curly hair poking up at all angles, the neckline of his shirt pulled a little to the side and showing a prominent collarbone due to his skinniness. His tiny hands are clenched into tight fists. That is how Davarax meets Barthor.

Unlike Paz, Barthor doesn't show much emotion at being 'handed off' to a new teacher, but those eyes speak volumes. He is furious and filled with spite. Being small and skinny in a society that values strength and fighting abilities can't be easy, but he's been getting back at them in inventive and sometimes fire hazardous ways. Davarax could smell the stench of singed hair through his air filter when the teacher had appeared on his doorstep with the little culprit.

Barthor had pulled one stunt after another,a proper troublemaker, but what Davarax admires is the fact that they were never able to prove it was him. Not once. That speaks of intelligence. So he agrees to train him as well.

Where Paz uses anger and brute strength to intimidate, Barthor immediately tries to sneak his way into Davarax' brain and heart, mapping Davarax' mind to manipulate him while trying to act small and helpless to appeal to his protective instinct. Sneaky little thing. He's going to go far in life.

It turns out that once Barthor realizes that Davarax doesn't fall for his tricks, but treats him with respect and actually talks to him and not over him, the little one thaws and becomes his shadow.

It's kind of cute, really.

Paz isn't pleased at first, but decides the runt isn't a threat or a challenge so he ends up mostly ignoring Barthor, who keeps a wary distance in return. They focus on Davarax, not each other.

“Please...” A third teacher pleads some time later. He holds out his arm and pulls up the fabric and shows the painful mark there. “She bit me! I pulled her off a kid she was pummeling and she bit me. She held on for so long I considered prying her jaws open with a stick!” The man lowers his arm and shakes his head. “You gotta help me, Dav. Please!”

Now this one Davarax asks for some time to consider. He has heard a lot about Raga Saxon, have seen her in action, and she might be the one child he's not entirely sure he can help. He has no idea how to deal with that kind of volatile temper. There is fearless and then there is reckless.

Somehow Paz finds out that Raga's teacher has asked to move her to Davarax and the boy instantly starts to hassle him to say yes.

“She's awesome. She really is! You gotta see her fight.” Paz pleads, walking next to Davarax.

“I have seen that very thing. That is what worries me.” Davarax mutters. “There is no discipline to her. She's basically feral, Paz.”

“I know!” Paz' grin is the brightest Davarax has even seen on the boy. “As I said, she's awesome. You got to let her join us. I'll look after her, I promise. You won't even notice she's there. Please?”

Paz rarely asks for anything so Davarax promises him he'll think about it. And the next day, he stays hidden and watches Raga. He sees the energy crackling under her skin, the wild hair and her complete lack of fear. It's the kind of personality that can ruin a mission and get other Mandalorians killed, but then he sees her with Paz and observes, to his surprise, the other side to her. She 'is' capable of team work, she can be still and patient, and for some weird reason it seems like Paz is the one who brings that out in her.

Fine. She deserves a chance as well. She's a tough little fighter, like a Mandalorian should be. They just need to work on her mean streak.

Bringing Raga in changes the dynamics as she instantly goes after Barthor, like a predator sensing prey. Davarax hopes that Paz will put an end to it, but no such luck. The bigger boy just chews on his snacks and watches with lazy amusement. Davarax is on the verge of interfering when Barthor strikes back.

Raga's shrieks of fury echoes through the hallways, Barthor runs for his life, while Paz chews his snacks with lazy amusement, and Davarax struggles not to laugh. Yeah, Barthor is going to be fine. He doesn't need help.

It is almost a year later when he opens a hatch and finds a frightened boy staring up at him. His name is Din.

Davarax reaches out a hand, Din takes it.

When the request comes if Davarax can train Din too, there is a lack of teachers and Din is severely affected by the trauma he's been through, Davarax doesn't hesitate. He found the boy, he feels responsible for him.

And against all odds, Din is the glue that makes them all stick together.

Paz' protective instinct is triggered hard, Raga senses Paz' approval and actually behaves for long enough to realize she likes Din, and Barthor is so happy to no longer be the lone one against the other two that he reaches out a hand in friendship as well. And Din finds safety from his nightmares in their presence.

It shouldn't work. Not at all. But it does.

He even finds them, more than once, sleeping in a pile together.

And as they learn, as they grow, they keep amazing him and there's not a single day that goes by where he doesn't feel proud of them. They are difficult, yes, complicated, definitely, but they are good students and will do good things for the Covert, he knows this.

The others start referring to them as the Fearsome Four, but Davarax calls them his children and he knows in his heart that he will love them until the day he dies.

#the mandalorian his son and the storm trooper #the one-shots start coming and they don't stop coming #here have some fluff and some sad #Davarax

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pinof · 4 years ago

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Under the cut is the full transcript for The British Get Talking Podcast episode on October 8, 2020 with Dan!

[Interviewer:] Hello everyone! I'm Kylie Pentelow and here we are again. This is the second series of the "Britain Get Talking" podcast from ITV where I talk to some amazing people who open up about the mental well being. Today, Dan Howell is a YouTube star. He rose to fame through his comedy videos that have had more than a billion views. More recently, he's opened up on his YouTube channel about depression and his video "Basically I'm Gay" has had eleven million views. Dan is now writing a book about mental health and is an ambassador for YoungMinds. Dan is obviously funny, but he's also clever and sensitive. To me, it seems he's using his huge profile among young people to really make a difference. I loved talking to Dan and I hope you like listening to this podcast too. Dan, thanks so much for speaking to me today! How are you?

[Dan:] I am a big fan of saying "I'm fine." And that is the absolute worst, most British answer to that question that anyone can give. And it's what people say all the time. And, you know, for me, it's definitely- It's something that instantly says way too much. *laughs* Doesn't it? I mean, you can write a whole essay about "I'm fine" as an answer. "Oh, I don't want to inconvenience you. Oh, I don't want to bore you by talking about whatever I'm going through." And that's very me. I accept that one of my flaws is I don't want to put something on the other person. I don't want to start a whole thing that might bore them. I don't want to sound like I'm moaning, so I'll just go, "I'm fine!" And usually the tone in which I say "I'm fine" immediately betrays the fact that I'm- You know, might be clearly very stressed about something. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] Do you think your kind of friends would pick up or people you know would say, "Oh wait, you sure?" or would they delve deeper?

[Dan:] Everybody I know! They just look at me like, "Okay, Dan." *laughs* Cool, okay. So in ten minutes, we'll be talking about how you actually feel. We just need to get through the kind of ice breaking- Cause, you know, I'm that introvert and I'm quite socially awkward so it takes a while to melt the ice to get through to whatever's there.

[Interviewer:] You're hugely successful! You rose to fame with your YouTube videos. They are very funny!

[Dan:] Mhm. *laughs* Thank you!

[Interviewer:] But you have a few small serious ones in there recently. And you've spoken very openly about your depression. What prompted you to do it in the first place?

[Dan:] Yeah, so that was quite a journey. In case anyone doesn't know- Uh, hi, my name is Daniel Howell. *laughs* And as you say, I was mainly known for being somebody who uploaded comedy videos to YouTube. Which I think, Kylie, is something you and I have in common! I'm aware that you have some toes in the YouTube space.

[Interviewer:] Yeah! Oh my goodness. Back in the day, yeah.

[Dan:] Look at us! We got one toe in traditional media and the other in the Internet.

[Interviewer:] I love this. *laughs*

[Dan:] So yeah, these videos- They were something that I started when I was a teenager and they were just kind of comedy videos about everyday things. So I had like rants about how annoying people are at the airport or what it's like going on public transport. And then I'd, you know, move onto talking about things that people were arguing about in TV shows. It was all very funny. It was all very relatable. And as time went on, I started to be a bit more personal with the stories I was telling. I was saying, "You know what? I'm actually going to tell you today about the time I got fired." It was an awful time in my life but usually the things that are really awful are very funny to laugh at. And people liked that because I was sharing something personal. It was intimate. It made it even funnier because it was real and it was awful. You know, comedy is just tragedy and someone saying you're allowed to laugh at it. And it was in 2017- I'd gone through a few years where I really started to think about my own mental health seriously for the first time. Because I had quite an upsetting childhood, as someone who grew up gay. And I had a lot of issues with depression and various things and really had just never thought about it in my life until any point. And it was only when I was in my mid-twenties that for the very first time, I stepped back and I was like, "You know what? I'm feeling like this and this is something. It's not right and I should do something about it. I came to terms with the fact that I really had been struggling with depression for a very long time. And this is something that's obviously- It's quite hard to firstly accept on a personal level and then to tell anyone about: your friends and family. And for me, I was in this strange place because I had this career as this comedian who was known for sharing these things from my life and being very open and having this great relationship with my audience. And yet, it felt like there was this huge, kind of big secret dark cloud in my life that people didn't know about. And it was especially strange for someone who performs on stage and you know, who did jobs like the one I did on Radio One. And it felt like all the time, I was acting very funny. I was acting very happy and really there was this whole other side to me. And I just decided that for several reasons really, I had to get it out there just so people would know this fundamental thing about me so they'd understand a bit more about my story. But also that I felt, even in 2017, there was so much misconception around discussing mental health and what depression is. And so many people out there that felt like they needed to have this conversation held in a public place. So it was absolutely terrifying for me. But I decided to make one of my typical, you know, comedy videos where I tell stories and I talk about my opinions. Except I opened up about my depression and it was an absolutely huge moment in my life. And I remember being terrified when I hit that upload button. And the response I got was just so much more positive and powerful than I could've ever imagined. Not only because people were saying, "This is so much more compelling because it's real and you're being honest. But so many people had never really had depression explained to them? They were like, "I have loved ones that go through this. I have friends and I've seen it and now I understand it more." And so many other people said, "This is me. I was sat watching this." So people were saying, "I've been struggling with this for years and I didn't know how to talk about it to my family." Other people were saying, "I didn't even know this was me. Now I'm seeing it for the first time." And that really- You know, it was a moment that changed my life in my career for sure.

[Interviewer:] The thing I think you do really well in it is explain the difference between feeling sad and feeling depressed. Can you just explain that?

[Dan:] Well, we all feel sad many times. You know, we can watch a Disney movie and feel sad. *laughs* If something sad happens. But depression is when you notice for a long time that things aren't right. If you're not enjoying the things you should be enjoying. If you're having a real struggle just maintaining the basic things you should be doing: getting out of bed, feeding yourself, opening the curtains. If you feel like you've sunken into a hole. If you're not enjoying the things that you're doing. If you just don't have the energy- You don't want to socialize anymore. Then it's not just that you're feeling sad because an event. It may be that you are depressed and this isn't something that may just blow over. It's something that you need to really acknowledge and then do something to fix.

[Interviewer:] You also talk about how it affects things like your diet as well. Like that was quite a surprise to me. Sometimes you might feel like you might not want to eat at all. Sometimes you eat to try to make yourself feel better.

[Dan:] Absolutely. Yeah, some people when they feel depressed, they just can't eat because you know- I mean, cooking's an effort. I'm one of those people that hates cooking. I mean, I love eating. I hate cooking. So yeah. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] I'm with you.

[Dan:] And this was me sometimes. I would just go, "I don't want to cook." And then I would lay in bed all day and I wouldn't eat. And then another day, I would be feeling, you know, so self indulgent, I'd be like, "I'm going to order just the most decadent, gross amount of pizza no human should be able to consume in one sitting." And then do that just to fill the hole inside my soul with carbohydrates. And that may make you feel good for about ten minutes and then when you're digesting it all the next day, you realize that it's actually just another kind of self destructive behavior.

[Interviewer:] You also talk about medication as well, which I think was really brave. Cause even though lots of people might talk about feeling depressed, they don't share that they're talking any medication for it. In fact, the other day, my close friend shared with me that she was taking antidepressants. And I've known her for a decade and she's never told me that. Actually, it was because she's been listening to this podcast, which is great that she felt that she could share that. But do you think that is important to get the whole kind of picture out there?

[Dan:] I think there's a big stigma around taking medication, which is strange as an absolutely huge amount of the population are taking medication for all kinds of things. And antidepressants are very common. And of course we're saying this knowing that anyone listening- You should always consult a professional. Go to your doctor. Speak to them. For some people, medication works. For some people, it doesn't. It's one of many options but it's definitely something that- It can have big effects on how you behave. On how you need to live day to day. And you shouldn't be afraid of telling people that. It doesn't mean that you're broken. *laughs* It means that you're taking a step to try and get help and be better. And it's brave to share that, so I would encourage anyone that feels bad about the fact that they take medication to try to be more casually open about it. Which I appreciate can be really difficult because it just has this knock on effect of making everyone less ashamed.

[Interviewer:] What was that, kind of, first step like for you? Was it speaking to your family? Or was it going to the doctor when you sought professional help?

[Dan:] Well, the first time I sought professional help I think was when I was at University. I was going through a really hard- Kind of quarter life crisis time where I was thinking, "Oh, what am I doing with my life? Why am I enjoying what I'm doing?" And I just realized that I wasn't functioning on a day to day level. *laughs* And I spoke to one of the counselors at University and this was a positive experience. You know, sometimes if people talk about their mental health at their work place or their University, you hear these horror stories. I had one of those good examples where there was this lovely lady and she said, "It sounds like you have depression and if you need to take some time out of school to do that, then that's the right thing to do." And then I went to the doctor and then you know, we spoke and he said, "Yes, it sounds like this." And that was the first time I acknowledged it. And the first time for the few years, I kind of acknowledged it but I didn't actively work on it that much. And as I said, it was a few years later, when I was in my mid-twenties, when I was like, "No. If this is my normal, this isn't right. And it's something I need to make an effort to pull myself out of."

[Interviewer:] You are writing a book at the moment about this, aren't you? I wonder how that's been because sometimes, it's great, isn't it? To talk about stuff and other times, you actually just wanna be a bit quiet and deal with things, you know, in your own way. But I wonder whether a book has kind of open more things up for you.

[Dan:] Yeah, I mean, you know- Talk about coming out of the closet. Which is something I also literally did. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] We'll talk about that in a sec. *laughs*

[Dan:] Yeah, so the book is called "You Will Get Through This Night" and it is coming out in May next year. So it's only around preorder now, but people can find it on Amazon if they're interested. And it's quite wild for someone like me to write it. The book is a hand book. It's a tool for people to understand their mental health and to make changes to their improve their lives. And the idea behind it is that we are all kind of in this state where as humans in our modern society, there's various things that we feel ashamed to talk about. There's a stigma approaching various things. If we do certain things, we're viewed as weak. We don't want to admit certain things to ourselves and this is about breaking down all of those things and going, "Actually, all of these behaviors that so many of us do day to day are self destructive. These attitudes we have towards these certain things are totally wrong. We need to change the way we think about these things. We need to forgive ourselves slightly more. We need to be more patient." And also just understanding how all the things you do on a day to day basis affect your mental health. Sleep, exercise, socializing. Every single time you have a thought, you need to check that thought and go, "Am I being completely unreasonable and putting myself in a position where I'm going to have a crazy amount of stress or if I'm going to make myself really anxious." And the hope is that with this book, a lot of people will realize, "Oh my god, I do all of these things day to day and I had no idea what profound effect all of these things had on my life." I'm spicing it up slightly by obviously sharing my personal journey- *laughs* With all of these things and as you say- That is quite, uh, a strange experience for me because I- It's obviously been extremely helpful. I mean, it's been blowing my mind just writing this book. The whole thing done in consultation with a qualified psychologist, so obviously I know what I'm talking about when I'm giving this advice. And when I was reading all of the theory for me to turn into this book, I was just sat there myself- *laughs* As I would hope people would be when they read it thinking, "Oh my god, I'm awful! I need to give myself a break. We do all of these things all the time? And I'm making myself feel like this for no reason? That's crazy!" And came to saying, "Right, on this topic, I'm going to share with you what my journey has been dealing with this. Here's my stories about it. It's been simultaneously quite cathartic and to be honest, quite difficult revisiting a lot of these things. Especially if you go through things when you're younger or if you feel that there's certain things that you've moved past from. Then it can be quite upsetting to revisit these things and whilst initially, it was quite a jump to get into that, it definitely makes you realize that confronting things with a clear head, with the best of intentions and some honesty looking at yourself- It really makes you feel a lot better on the other side.

[Interviewer:] How do you cope with doing what you do because the industry you've chosen to work in- Not only like putting yourself out there on YouTube, but also saying, "I'm funny. Look at me, I'm going to make you laugh." You know, that must put a lot of pressure on you. But also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing it can sometimes it can be a bit solitary as well? How do you deal with all of that going on?

[Dan:] Oh god, yeah. I picked as a complete introvert with crippling social anxiety and mild agoraphobia- I picked the absolute worst career possible. *laughs*

[Interviewer:] Yeah!

[Dan:] But maybe, that's why the material is so honest. *laughs* You know? That's why I have so much to work with. I think that, you know, there is an element of being forced to confront your demons that probably helps accelerate my internal growth process. And especially from the comedy perspective, there is a fine line between saying, "I'm going to open myself up for people to laugh at my stories and kind of appreciating that I need to save a bit vulnerability." And it- You know, it was crazy. I made a video called "Trying To Live My Truth" about the concept of authenticity and how in life, if generally, if we aren't being authentic- And this isn't just doing a career that we love. It may be being honest in the relationships that we have day to day in really being true to ourselves about what we want to be doing, where we want to be. If you kind of lie to yourself and go, "Oh, I'm just going to do this for a bit to do here. I'm only having a relationship with these people for now." Eventually, it'll get to you and it will wear you down. That was a really hard thing for me to talk about because I was saying, "There's so many aspects of my life where right now, I feel like I'm not being authentic and I'm realizing it's really taking a toll of me. So some people may have to appreciate that I'm going to have to tell them things and I may not be the person that they thought I was but this is something that I have to do if I need to be happier."

[Interviewer:] We talked earlier about how, you know, you've done some more serious videos. But actually, even your video about depression is really funny. And obviously it's really great to be talking about mental health but we need to not be too worthy about it, don't we? And just- I was watching that video feeling really connected to what you were saying and then a second later, I was laughing out loud and actually, it reminded me a bit of "After Life"- Ricky Gervais' show. I don't know if you watch that but.

[Dan:] *laughs* Yeah, definitely.

[Interviewer:] It's that very fine line that- You know, in one of his scenes, I remember when he was talking to his dad that I was crying and then literally the next second, I was laughing out loud. And I just felt- That's such a positive thing that you do and is that a real conscious thing that you do?

[Dan:] I mean, my default is to always kind of break the tension by making people laugh. And there's a side to that like, "Okay, we can laugh about it but eventually we're going to have to be a bit serious." So you need a bit of both but I think especially when talking about these difficult topics, just making it funny- It breaks that ice. And often by pointing out the silly things that happen as a result of these things, you know, I've been making fun of the fact that I'm depressed all day and my friend's just like pouring popcorn all over my head. Like, "Come on! Enjoy the things that you used to enjoy." It's like okay, that's really silly. That's really goofy. And it's like- But it kind of is silly, you know? And then me kind of taking a step back and realizing, "Yeah, me lounging around in bed all day. Yeah me being afraid to go outside for this reason or that." There are little things that are relatable. They're just a bit silly. And when you can laugh at that- I mean, just laughing or smiling once. We can talk about the health of people with depression. Sometimes putting on a bit of comedy and watching something can really save the day. So I think that there's a real benefit to even the most difficult topics, finding something to make people laugh. It makes it easier.

[Interviewer:] Let's talk about your video that's- I don't know how many millions of views it's got. "Basically I'm Gay." Tell me about that video and why that was important to make.

[Dan:] So that was essentially a coming out video. I mean, I would say it was the biggest moment of my life in a lot of ways. Because I've had a real struggle with sexuality my entire life. I think I've known, on some level, that I was some kind of gay since I was a small child. And I had an incredibly difficult time in school with bullying. I had difficult relationships with some of my family members and it was honestly- It was quite traumatic and I never really realized it because I got used to that state of just accepting that this is the way things are and getting on with it to survive. Kind of very extreme version of the British stiff upper lip to get -on with it. And it was only really when I reached kind of 27/28 when I was like, "Oh my god. No, this is awful! *laughs* I've got so much baggage. I've got a heathrow carousel in my cupboard over here." It was terrible. And I ran away from this entire subject of sexuality because it was just difficult. And there was so much wrapped up in it. And for any courage that it took me for me to talk about mental health or even just, you know, terrible things that happened to me that may be embarrassing when I'm on stage in a little routine or something. For me to not just talk publicly about my sexuality and everything that went into it but just to accept it myself was a huge journey. And you know, it's called internalized homophobia and it's basically from growing up in such a homophobic environment. I was brainwashed, really, to kind of hate myself and not accept the fact of who I was. And this was such a huge part of my mental health- My entire life. To the point where I only acknowledge it truly a few months before I made that video. I think when I was talking about that authenticity thing, I was just like, "I'm a sham." I was on a world tour with my friend. We did a stage show and went to eighteen countries. Think we met about fifty thousand people at these little meet and greets before the shows. And so many people would come up to me and they would be so honest. Some people would cry and they'd just say, "You opening up about depression gave me the strength to turn my life around." Or, "You talking about athenticity made me quit my job." There were other people that said, "I want to come out to my parents just because you talked about being authentic and about your mental health and these things." And I felt like a complete fraud because here I was- I was supposed to be this guy who made the funny videos but at the same time, I was talking about these topics and I was being open about myself. And I was just like, "The hugest thing is still completely hidden and it's something that I know I'm hiding from myself." And I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. So I uploaded this video saying, "I really just need to think about how I can be more authentic because I felt like I've hit this road block in my life where I just can't continue. I've done it for too long. I've put it off and I just feel like in every aspect of my life, I've hit that wall. And until I break through it, I just can't do anything." And I basically disappeared from the Internet for about a year. And in that year, it was a complete journey where I said, I needed to acknowledge it for myself. I realized if I ever wanted to talk about this publicly, there's so many things I need to do. I need to come out to my family. I need to tell friends. I need to think about how it's going to affect my work life and I really just went on this complete crash course of a life wrecking in the start of 2019. *laughs* And it was a huge journey. As I said, I'm this huge socially awkward person so the idea of coming out to my family. Oh, I just couldn't do it. It was just awful. I remember it was Boxing Day 2018 and all my family were just sat watching "Chicken Run" or something. And I was like, "I'm gonna do it. I have to do it at some point, you know? I have to tell the family." And it's this awful thing coming out- It's like nobody wants it to be a big deal. *laughs* It's just because that we live in this world where people are presumed to be straight, it's not like gay people want to cause a big scene by coming out. They have to. Because no matter what, when you tell somebody, it's going to be a big surprise usually. So I'm the last person that wanted to make it all about me. God, I just want to blend into the background. I was thinking, "I'm going to have to completely blow up this Christmas." And I couldn't do it. So I thought that was the perfect opportunity and it's gone now. My family- For about two months, I was just like, "Aw, I ruined it. I ruined it. That was my one chance."

[Interviewer:] Oh gosh, that must have been so stressful! You're just carrying that around.

[Dan:] Oh, it was awful! Yeah and then I went for dinner with my mum. And I was like, "Okay, intimate. I'll do this." And then again, I was like, "I don't want to ruin my mum's birthday by making it all about me." *laughs* Then I left having failed to do it then and I went, "Right, this is getting stupid now." So you know what I did? I wrote an email to all of my family. Just CC'd them on an email and just said, "Hi. Basically I'm gay. Let me know if you want to talk about it. Bye!" And I just hit send and closed my laptop. That is very much- That is the Dan Howell strategy of throwing the hand grenade, closing the door, and going, "Whoops!" And then I got the phone calls and you know, thankfully I think that we're living in a much more kinder, accepting world than we did twenty years ago. I think that we can see when it comes to all kinds of things- The world is getting a lot more smarter and educated and just accepting and more kind. So the reception that I got from my family in 2019 was very kind and loving accepting. And it was really kind of wonderful. It felt like this huge, colossal weight had been lifted from me where I felt like there was this wall between me and my family my entire life, where there was just something that was unsaid. Something that would've explained so much. A fundamental part of who I was. It was so important to get that out there. And as you said earlier, just you know, as someone that as a public figure. As an entertainer who talks about myself for my career, getting this out there? I don't know. It was just absolutely profound so I spent months and months writing this video. And for people that don't know, you'd expect a YouTube video to be a twenty second video of a cat falling down the stairs or something. I ended up putting this forty five minute- *laughs* It was basically a stand up special that I filmed in my office. It was dense. I was like, "Look, if I'm going to talk about sexuality, I've got say strap yourselves in people." And yeah, the moment I hit go on that, it transformed my entire life. It was really just this feeling of this pressure lifting all around me and it felt like age 28, that I finally alive for the first time. And my life had only just begun. Because only now was I actually out there. People knew who I was and I could kind of begin living authentically in world where people actually knew who I was. And that's crazy.

[Interviewer:] Do you wished you'd done it earlier or do you think it was the right time?

[Dan:] *sighs* I do wish I did it earlier. What I would say to anybody- You may be somebody queer in the closet thinking about doing this or you may just be someone who wants to open up to your loved ones about the fact that you may be depressed. Or you just want to be honest about the things in your life saying, "You know what? I really hate my job and it's ruining my life." Or something about the relationships in the life or the friendships. They're just not working. You cannot sit on these things forever. Confronting them an be so difficult. I mean, look at me. I basically went into a cave for a year- *laughs* And had the most socially awkward time ever dealing with it. And it was so difficult but I cannot tell you how free it felt afterwards. So that's definitely something I want everybody listening to this to take away.

[Interviewer:] Did you look at the comments on the video? And if you did, what were they like?

[Dan:] Yeah. I mean, I try not to- *laughs* You know, see what people are saying about me too much but I did. It was all very nice and as I say, you know, I wish I would've done it earlier in my life but I don't think I could've done it earlier in my life. And I didn't. And that was for a reason. I just couldn't have. I just wasn't in the place to. I did it when I did and thankfully we're in a world now that's so much better. And my audience that I have is so kind and loving and accepting. Because you know, I cultivated a following of people that liked me being open about mental health and sharing the most awkward, stupid stories from my life. So when I shared the biggest thing, what was there waiting for me was a community of people that were there to be supportive. And that was just- You know, I feel so lucky that I had that really positive experience. So just like the depression video, people were saying, "I feel seen by this." Or, "I now finally understand what it's like for gay people in a way that I didn't before. I can talk to my mum. I can show my mum this. I'm straight and I had no idea. This is amazing." And just to see that a byproduct of me being honest about myself managed to help people- It really, you know, it helps! *laughs* Cause it's safe to say that I've struggled a lot. I'm someone that is very, very good at beating myself up. I don't ever taking a win. People always say that about me. If something goes very well, they'll be like, "How'd it go Dan?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah. It was alright." "What do you mean? It went great?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah! It's fine." *laughs* So yeah definitely, I feel very lucky it's gone as well as it did.

[Interviewer:] You're an ambassador for YoungMinds as well and you know, you're obviously speaking out, "Hey!" And for your YouTube videos. Do you think there is still a stigma particularly attached to young people and mental health?

[Dan:] I think that definitely young people- When you get into teenage years, everyone's very defensive and they're very aggressive. And I think that a lot of people go into- Especially the school environment feeling scared. They don't want to be judged by other people. They don't want to seem weak. They're proactively feeling scared and defensive and aggressive to protect themselves from being harmed by people cause you're just so scared. So definitely. People don't want to admit that they have anxiety. I think that young queer people might not feel like you know, "I can't do this now. It's not worth the risk." And I think that the YoungMinds charity, which is part of the Royal Foundation that Harry and Will support, does such amazing jobs cause they not only create material to help young people understand, "If you're feeling like this, you might have anxiety. That's not normal. And here's how to help." But they also reach out to parents to say, "This is how you can observe these things that may be happening in your family and realize it may be silent. It may not be talking about it. It may be this huge issue happening right in front of you." And as well, they're helping the schools cause I think it's definitely safe to say that schools could do it a lot better in protecting mental health of the young people that go to them. So it's definitely one of the off shoots of me opening up about depression. Being apart of this amazing charity that does such great work. It helps me sleep at night.

[Interviewer:] And we'll hear, um, about an appeal actually to raise money for mental health including Mind and YoungMinds in a minute. It's so important, isn't it? That they exist. That they're even out there for us.

[Dan:] It's a lifeline for people because I think that anyone who struggled with any mental health issue listening to this would know that that one conversation- That first conversation. First olive branch that you get reaching out to you. That could be what saves your life. So it may feel like, "Oh, we've talked about this enough. Doesn't everyone know about mental health right now?" And there may be someone listening to this that's going, "You know what? That's me. I've got that thing that I haven't shared yet. I need to have that conversation. I need to have that one moment where someone listens to me, acknowledges how I feel." And definitely, it's just such a huge part of everyone's life. And it's completely silent. There's still so much more to do.

[Interviewer:] I hate this word, Dan, but I'm gonna say it. It sounds like you've been on a real journey. *laughs* I can't think of a better word.

[Dan:] *laughs* Oh no. I've been full hobbit there and back again, yeah. It's been a real around the world adventure. And you can watch it all on the internet, god.

[Interviewer:] I wonder if you could talk about kind of just the lowest point but then the kind of real highs. Cause then, at the moment, it sounds like you're in a really good place.

[Dan:] I mean, I'm definitely in a better place. I think that none of us should ever feel like we've solved all our issues and we're fine. You know, that was me, age 22. I was like, "Cool! Apparently I've got depression. That's fine. I know what to do it." It's like no, you need to- You need to make an effort. You need to really think about all the things in your life. You need to talk to a doctor. I think that, you know, for me- My lowest point was definitely when I was teenager. There was a point where I actually tried to take my own life because the struggles that I had with my sexuality were just so extreme within my friend group and school and everything that I was hearing from the world. I just really felt like, "I'm broken. This is not right." I looked at the world around me and I thought, "There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere else. I know everything." So it was that impulse impulse is what I think people in this situation feel. Where they just think, "This isn't about anyone and this isn't a rational decision, but I just feel like there's nowhere to go. And I need to hit the escape hatch." And I was so wrong because as I got older and time progressed, I just realized that the world is so big. And even if you feel like you're trapped in a situation, time can change everything. And if I just knew how much the world would change. How much my life would change. Not just with my career, but just moving to a different city. Meeting new people. I wasn't stuck. There was nothing like that and that was definitely the lowest point. And I feel so glad that I managed to make through that time. And the fact that you know, I made it through all these years and- *laughs* This journey that I went on. Kind of very publicly. Going from like- I think I even made a YouTube video just before I got a job at Radio One saying, "I'm going to drop out of Law School to try to make it as an entertainer." And everyone at the time was like, "You're an idiot. What are you doing? What?!" *laughs* Cause this before anyone had a career on the internet, you know? They were like, "Okay,so the BBC wants to give you this job. That's kind of cool. But are you sure you don't want to be a lawyer? That seems cool." My granddad was not happy.

[Interviewer:] I'm bet. *laughs*

[Dan:] You can see this whole journey and you know, from doing everything I did with Radio One to writing a book and to end up in a position where me just going on the journey that I need to go on personally ends up being shared with the world- That can do something for other people is just a bonus that makes me feel just really happy. Not just personally, but for the state that the world is in.

[Interviewer:] Aw Dan, it's been so nice chatting to you today. Thank you so much for your time.

[Dan:] It's been really nice. It's been like a therapy session. It's very cathartic! [Interviewer:] That's good! I'm for me. Great! Dan, thanks so much.

[Dan:] Thank you very much. Have a nice day, everyone.

#dan and phil #daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan howell

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dwellordream · 3 years ago

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“At the time of Henry Plantagenet’s marriage to Eleanor of Aquitaine in May 1152, he was already in a powerful position—duke of Normandy by 1150 and, after his father’s death in 1151, count of Anjou. An even greater prospect, however, was the possibility of becoming king of England. When he sailed away to England in January 1153, it was to continue the contest begun by his mother, Empress Matilda, some fifteen years earlier to wrest the English Crown from Stephen of Blois. Henry’s crossing from Normandy in mid-winter, when his opponents assumed that severe storms would keep him on the other side of the English Channel, established him as a major force in the kingdom and encouraged those favoring his cause.

…As the two sides fought to a stalemate, the English wearied of the long civil war. Many in England were willing to accept Henry Plantagenet as Stephen’s successor, if that would bring an end to the fighting. From King Stephen’s point of view, however, provision for his son and heir Eustace of Boulogne was all-important—if not succession to the Crown, then at least a guarantee of his father’s English and Norman estates. In summer 1153, the situation drastically changed when Eustace died at almost the time that Eleanor was giving birth to her first son. After his eldest son’s death Stephen lost heart for the struggle, and he concluded that it was time to make peace.

On 6 November, a compromise was reached, allowing King Stephen to wear the English crown for the remainder of his life. He had to agree that the kingdom was not to pass on to his own heirs, and he adopted Henry as his son and acknowledged him as his heir; in return, his sole surviving son, William, was to receive a generous settlement. At the time, no one could have guessed how long Stephen of Blois would live or whether the peace settlement would hold on his death. In March 1154 Henry felt secure enough in his situation in England to cross the Channel for a first look at his infant son. He celebrated Easter in Normandy, welcomed by his mother Matilda, his wife Eleanor, and little William.

Then Henry set out on a quick trip to Aquitaine, accompanied by Eleanor, and there he dealt with some local revolt, likely involving lords of the Limousin and Périgord. Eleanor accompanied him to Périgueux, and while there they each renewed ducal protection for the abbey of Notre-Dame at Saintes where Agnes, Eleanor’s aunt, was still abbess. Those witnessing the solemn grant present a snapshot of Eleanor and Henry’s entourage at the time. Accompanying them were two Norman bishops, the bishop of Agen, and Geoffrey du Loroux, longtime archbishop of Bordeaux, on hand at other important occasions in Eleanor’s life.

…By early November, news arrived from England of Stephen of Blois’s death on 25 October. His death at age sixty within a year of the treaty of Winchester was an unexpected piece of good luck for Henry, and now he, Eleanor, and their entourage had to prepare for the voyage to England for his coronation as King Henry II. England remained at peace for six weeks while the people waited patiently for their new king and queen’s arrival in the kingdom because, in the words of one chronicler, they were “in such great awe of him.” The English were too weary of war and too desirous of an end to the disorder to resist Henry’s succession.

The youth and modest ambitions of Stephen’s surviving son William meant that he would not lead his father’s loyalists in resistance to Henry; instead, he would serve the new king and queen faithfully, dying during an 1159 expedition in support of Eleanor’s claim to Toulouse. The English kingdom had passed to the dukes of Normandy with the victory of Henry Plantagenet’s great-grandfather William the Conqueror over the last of the Anglo-Saxon kings in 1066.

William and his two sons had combined Anglo-Saxon patterns of strong royal control over the shires or counties with Norman traditions of princely power inherited from the Franks. Then Henry’s grandfather, the Conqueror’s third son Henry I, had added to this combination of governmental traditions effective new administrative structures that set the Anglo-Norman realm apart from other western European countries before the thirteenth century.

England’s unity, assured by geography and history long before the Angevin kings’ accession, would enable Henry Plantagenet and his sons to rule in an authoritarian, if not absolutist manner even when abroad for long periods. The strong government of the Anglo-Norman realm contrasted with weak ducal government in Eleanor’s lands, where the dukes of Aquitaine had never succeeded in devising advanced administrative structures. All Henry’s lands on the Continent lay within the kingdom of France, as did Eleanor’s; and the French monarch claimed to be their lawful lord, regardless of his ability to exert actual authority over them.

From the time of Henry and Eleanor’s coronation as king and queen of the English, conflicts first with Louis VII and later with his son Philip II would absorb the energies of Henry and his sons. Both Louis and his successor were determined to weaken and destroy the Angevin assemblage of lands, so much of which lay in France under their sovereignty. Once Henry had won the English throne, he possessed governmental mechanisms for efficient raising of funds for paying mercenary forces to fight on all fronts against his Capetian rivals. England’s role was to be the treasury for Henry and his sons in the constant warfare with the Capetian kings, supplying barrels of cash. Henry and even more so his two sons, Richard and John, would engage in a gigantic shakedown of English and Norman landholders.

Not surprisingly, many of the English would feel threatened by their arbitrary acts, and even mighty magnates lived in fear of the king’s wrath and indignation. All three of the Angevin kings would value England chiefly for its wealth readily tapped by a strong royal government. Despite the kingdom’s importance as a source of funds, they never viewed themselves as English, although they shared English ancestry through Henry I’s queen, Edith-Matilda, descended from Anglo-Saxon royalty.

As a result, the English would feel little love for Henry II or his sons, in contrast to the fondness of Louis VII’s subjects for their God-fearing and good-hearted monarch. Eleanor, regarded by her new subjects as even more alien than her Angevin husband and suspected of immorality on account of poisonous rumors following her from France, could contribute little to her husband’s popularity in England. The English would not give Eleanor their affection until she was an aged widow.

On 7 November 1154, Eleanor and Henry arrived at the Norman port of Barfleur where they were forced to wait a month until unfavorable winds let up and allowed them to put to sea and make for their new kingdom. The turning wheel of fortune bringing down the powerful, rich, and proud was a popular motif among medieval writers. Within two and a half years Eleanor had experienced profound turns in her own fortunes, passing from the unhappily married queen of France, to a newly divorced duchess of Aquitaine in flight to her homeland, to the bride of the young prince Henry Plantagenet, and now, in a sweeping upward turn, finding herself on the voyage to her coronation as England’s queen.

She had secured her long-sought separation from Louis VII and found a husband more to her liking: a younger, bolder, and more worldly prince with apparently limitless ambitions for more possessions and power. After taking Eleanor as his wife, Henry was the greatest prince in the French kingdom, a far larger landholder than the king, and about to be crowned king of England. Soon after Eleanor’s second marriage, she would bring forth a son which had the effect of disinheriting her two daughters from her first marriage, and giving Louis an unpleasant surprise, angering him. Eleanor’s former husband was not to disappear from her life, however; for Louis’s strained relationship with Henry II of England would be a major theme of the rest of his reign. The fortunes of Henry, Eleanor, and their sons would be inextricably bound up with the Capetian ruler’s position as their lord and their adversary.

Eleanor’s expectations for her new marriage cannot be deciphered. Clearly Henry Plantagenet was a more lively companion than Louis VII, always active and on the move, riding to the hunt when not fighting against rebels. At the same time, Henry’s excellent education ensured that learned thinkers and writers would be welcomed at his court, and Eleanor would find life there more stimulating than at Paris. She would not be disappointed in her new husband’s virility, and she and Henry would produce many children in rapid succession, seven of them living to adulthood.

No doubt Eleanor expected to be Henry’s partner in the political sphere, and for the first years of her marriage at least, her position as regent in England would prove satisfying, but the promised partnership would not last. If she had expected love and devotion from her new husband, she was to be disillusioned and disappointed. Henry would prove to be as cynical and despotic in his personal life as in politics, and Eleanor’s fate at his hands would ultimately be rejection, not admiration, respect, or devotion.”

- Ralph V. Turner, “A Husband Lost, a Husband Gained, 1149–1154.” in Eleanor of Aquitaine: Queen of France, Queen of England

#eleanor of aquitaine #eleanor of aquitaine: queen of france queen of england #henry ii of england #the anarchy #history #high middle ages #medieval #ralph v. turner

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anasticep · 4 years ago

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Why Julie and the Phantoms is a masterpiece of a show. Part 2. Heroes and Villains or Let that foil shine

NOTE: Thanks again for your kind response to Part 1. I never expected that. It being my first tumblr post and a first meta in quite a long time I was blown away. I read all the tags, some were really hilarious. About having more than one brain cell xDDD I laughed so hard. It means a lot.

NOTE2: Please remember that the gifs are made by me, so don't crop, edit or give as yours.

Part 1.

Before diving into meta, I have to mention that the Villain of the story is actually one of the best in the decade. He’s cool, evil from the start, we understand his motives and we certainly are not supposed to love and make excuses for him. The writers made sure of that. So back to the main topic.

A foil is a character who contrasts with another character; typically, a character who contrasts with the protagonist, in order to better highlight or differentiate certain qualities of the protagonist

Foils in literature are not necessarily antagonists. A friend can be a foil or sometimes even a thing, a song. Whatever can make a good and real contrast to the protagonist. But it’s not very simple to use this author’s device and not fall down a deep hole. Because you have to make sure you did just the right amount of work to make it understandable for a reader, the things you want to contrast are definitely there and still you don't waste a character. On TV it can be even harder given limited air time. And, well, I don’t come across this device being used in full very often nowadays. It’s usually good and evil fighting for the plot. That’s why I personally appreciate JaTP so much.

Caleb is clearly a foil to Luke. As much as I’d love to say that Julie also has one, that’s not entirely true, at least not this season. Carrie is not her foil though it may seem so, and I really think that’s cool as Julie’s journey is being presented through her own demons and I'm going to cover that next. That being said, of course Caleb doubles as an antagonist plotwise, but I personally consider him being written more as a contract to Luke so we could see and appreciate his character and journey better.

1. Origins

Caleb and Luke have extremely similar backgrounds. They are both natural performers. They know how to deliver, because c’mon, “Now or Never” is something and so is “The other side of Hollywood”. Stage is their natural habitat, their element, power. Although they channel this power from completely different places.

Let’s start with our little ball of energy. It’s emphasized TWICE that he doesn’t care about the money aka the physical side of art.

All Luke wants is to make music. Connect with people. He is so happy just to be heard despite him loving to perform. Making music is what makes him feel alive and basically that’s enough. I think if there was no “hologram” magic at all, Luke would have still been extremely happy to make music with and for Julie. Because that’s the way he is.

But Caleb doesn’t know that. He knows, and I’m standing by that, right away that Luke is the one to aim at. Because we always feel the similarity in people. If Luke said yes, Reggie and Alex would have followed. So Caleb recognizes the passion and shoots at them what he thinks is appealing. And, oh boy, he delivers.

“The Other Side of Hollywood” is a perfect song to emphasize Luke and Caleb being foils for each other. Follow me here:

But these lines come from very different places. For Caleb the only thing that matters is himself. He owns the show, he IS the show. It’s about being famous, drowning in applause, admiration. Look at how he performs. Confident, yes, but still very much in control. He must keep his perfect face. No flaws, no real emotions, no real connection (Did you miss ME? I did too // This band is back). Whereas Luke is simply living the best time of his life each time he performs. Is it just jamming? Bring it on. Doing fun riffs? He’s all for it. He doesn’t care how he looks (though who could deny gorgeous sweaty Luke), he owns the show just because he is a natural.

So back to the business. Caleb immediately puts the boys in his own shoes:

On the other side we live like kings // Your soulprint on the walk of fame on the boulevard of your wildest dreams // I got your glamour, got your gold, got all you’ll ever need

And, I mean, he is not that wrong. You can see the appeal on the boys’ faces. They are young, passionate, handsome, talented musicians. Of course they wouldn’t deny fame. Of course they would want all that to some extent. And Caleb is very sure he pulled the right strings.

Watch me make a move, I’m your number one choice

Also I have to mention, as we are talking about TOSOH (IKEA name again) and it being a foil for Luke, thy lyrics still don’t forget about what is important for Reggie and Alex (we’ll talk about that just a bit later):

Welcome to the brotherhood -> Reggie

Where you won’t be misunderstood -> Alex

Then again, lots of foreshadowing in the song, if you listen carefully the lyrics are stressing the true colors of the offer:

A tomb with a view

Man, what a metaphor. I would have run out of there the minute I heard this line. But our boys share one brain cell (I can’t get over how funny this is) and it’s currently taken by Julie, so I don’t blame them.

Disappointment is huge. Caleb read it all wrong. So we are moving to the next point in our Heroes and Villains essay.

2. Recruitment

It’s very cool that Caleb offers the boys to join his band right after Luke offers Julie to join Sunset Curve. They both are going out of their ways to get that (although have different budgets apparently. But look, they live in a garage). Luke made a hit with a bunch of Julie’s not very well structured lines (I love Flying Solo with all my heart as a song, but as a poem it just looks weird to me) to impress her, and we all saw the show Caleb had thrown to impress the boys. Plus food. And fancy dancing. But here is where contrast comes again.

Caleb offers to join the band, yes, but only as backup singers. It’s his show, remember? It’s only about him. He doesn’t care if they are even good. He wants their magic under control.

Share the spotlight with ME / How do you like MY new band?!

Luke offering Julie a spot in the band is a completely different story. He saw what she is capable of. He instantly knows she must be the key to a new sound, a new level. And he, a natural performer, frontman, lead guitarist, steps back and gives the spotlight to Julie. To think about it, he could have just got her magic under control by giving her simple lines, incorporating piano in the songs and that’s all. They would be visible, he would still be a center of attention, and Julie herself wouldn't mind that much. But that’s not who Luke is. Yes, there is a funny scene of “Hey, I’m your lead singer” and “you don’t have to be mean”, but it’s just messing around. Because right after that he finishes Flying Solo, writes several other songs with Julie, seeks her approval of Sunset Curve songs and basically follows her around like an adorable excited puppy.

Moving on and back to the rejection. Again the writers are mirroring them. Julie quits the band & the boys decline the offer. What does Luke do? Well, he tries the way he knows: books a gig, makes Reggie and Alex sing in perfect harmonies and does his puppy eyes thing. And it doesn’t work. And Luke goes to reflect and then probably try to come up with a plan. But something tells me he would not have haunted Julie until she joined them.

What does Caleb do after the initial rejection? Puts a cursed stamp that leaves them no choice but to join HGC. You don’t need to say more.

But in fact the more I think about it, the more I suspect Caleb also not possessing enough mental capacity for a human being. Like, if it wasn’t for Willie, how would they even know? Has Caleb planned to simply show up one day and casually explain? Look, foils in everything.

“You’re in a tough spot… So, you wanna join the band?” | “Looked like it hurt… you know where to find me”

But we sidestepped a bit.

3. Pulling the strings

After the song Caleb comes out to consolidate his success. What he does is clever and, btw, that’s the only time he becomes Julie’s foil. They are stating basically the same thing.

Again, Julie is concerned about the band and the boys, while Caleb is only concerned about having them under control. But they both are pulling basically the right strings.

What is interesting, Caleb actually impressed the wrong person (and that person is our sweet Reggie). Luke follows the string Julie pulled. Although the offer is tempting, he insists twice that they are in a band already directly to Caleb and then in Eats&Beats he says "It's like Julie said, we have a new band, a new sound». No matter what Caleb promised, Luke is not affected at all although Caleb’s offer is a very-very safe choice.

Speaking about using friends as foils, Alex and Reggie also serve as contrast characters for Luke at some points. Luke’s indifference to money is first stressed through Alex who is clearly the chief accountant for the band. His lines about not getting tips, living in a garage and «it’s a little bit about the money» are waved aside by Luke. Reggie is clearly the most affected by the whole Bobbie thing. His lines «I don’t care what Julie said, I’m glad we scared Bobbie», «So we’re gonna forget about getting back at Trevor?» are getting a clear contrast by Luke’s «It’s what Julie said, we have a new band, a new sound» and «He has to live with that guilt».

While editing the article I realised a very cool thing I haven't noticed before. How badly Luke wants to go on tour. And again that's another thing Caleb offers as if reading his mind. That's actually brilliant, to think about it.

Caleb is a VERY good reader. He tests the waters with a speech about disappearing from stage and going around the world and all dreams coming true. Still he doesn’t know the boys and especially Luke, so his phrase “no real connection” doesn’t register that much.

But he learns. Remember the lines I’ve marked before?

Reggie is afraid they will not be together after they cross over. He is in desperate need of a family. So wouldn’t it be nice to spend the rest of your afterlife with your brothers? (Reggie's main insecurity is loneliness, feel of a broken family. That's why he is the most concerned about crossing over. Will his family stay intact?)

Alex is insecure, and not being understood by the people closest to him will always hit hard. So welcome to a place where you won’t be misunderstood. And actually we know there is a guy you like and find comfort in. (Alex's insecurity is growing up in times when he could not truly be himself even with his family and for sure not believing he would ever be able to find someone meant just for him)

That mirrors the whole Luke’s beach speech perfectly. Only comparing them we can truly appreciate why Luke is the leader. He shuts down his own demons to make Alex and Reggie remember that they are not alone (“and I believe in you”. sorry. Olicity fan).

Caleb makes them suffer to get what he wants. But this time he is careful with the words aimed at Luke. Yes, he repeats his words about vanishing and applauses BUT he makes sure that his words about CONNECTION are the key words for Luke. Intense look, calming voice, touching - these are all elements of hypnosis. And Luke is in a daze. (Continuing the parents' thing, for Luke the main insecurity is not managing to connect with his mom. Maybe that's such a big thing for him: through all these people he wanted to find that connection with her)

4. The Hero’s journey

That’s the best part actually but I won’t be saying anything new or that you don’t know. Luke is made of lyrics and music. That’s his soul, heart, that’s the feeling running through his veins. He doesn’t need anything other than that in his life. Playing for eternity is “a gift no musician would ever turn down”. But he actually does turn it down. As well as his dream to go see the world with his band (is there covid in jatp universe?). He is the one who resists the hardest to the pull. Luke, who always has a guitar in his hands, doesn't want to play. Because it’s not only about the music now. He has this amazing girl in his afterlife who was willing to accept them for who they were, helped Luke battle his own demons, eased his pain and made him open up. And it doesn’t make sense any longer without her anymore. “And you’re a part of me now till eternity”.

Caleb, being Luke’s foil, completely misses the whole point of connection. It’s not in his nature. His house band are just recruits (Just so happens you’re in luck we’ve got a vacancy). For Luke his band is his family (We are the only family we ever gonna need). The Connection theme is one of the main in the show. And it’s so cool to show it focused through Luke whose best way of interaction is a touch. But not being able to touch Julie Luke has to find other ways, although it’s not that simple for him. And Julie backs that up: We connect in so many other ways. They literally touched each other's souls. Without knowing she put a stamp of her own on Luke, Alex and Reggie. They’ve never felt loved enough, appreciated enough, supported enough. They’ve only had each other. And Julie’s stamp is love. And for Luke (as well as Reggie and Alex) from now on this girl is worth dying for all over again.

_______

So yeah. I hope you enjoyed it, as I for sure enjoyed writing. There is gonna be a part 3 about Julie and a few honorable mentions of parallels of the Pilot and the Finale (I hope at least to do all that). I’ve also figured very very cool connections in the songs and I can’t wait to share.

Also as I was heavily speaking about The Other side of Hollywood, @catty-words has a wonderful meta on rain metaphors here (sorry for tagging, if you don't want to be tagged), check it out if you somehow missed it. It's super clever.

#jatp #julie and the phantoms #julie molina #luke patterson #reggie peters #alex mercer #jatp meta #jatp analysis #my gifs #my edits #don't crop #please be nice #caleb covington #ana's meta #am i smart? i am #having more brain cells then sunset curve

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