#I WAS 24 WHEN I WOKE UP AND COULDNT MOVE

[nikkalick]

I have chronic back pain, have for a while. It’s not so bad now that I had surgery, but I lived with it for years. I tried to go to a doctor for it, but they just said to lose weight, so I learned to live with the pain until one morning I couldn’t get up from bed. Couldn’t move without feeling like electricity was running up and down my back, burning my spine and leg from the inside.

This had me back in front of a doctor who (thankfully) listened and then for an entire year my insurance jerked me around requiring that I try different methods to manage the pain before finally agreeing to cover surgery.

In that year leading up to surgery something inside me broke. I couldn’t do the most basic tasks. Having to learn how to move my body in just the right way so that I wouldn’t lock up trying to wipe my own ass is one of my least favorite memories. Next to it is a tie between falling at my sister’s wedding because my leg gave out and being in so much pain I couldn’t sleep for days on end. I couldn’t sit, couldn’t drive, couldn’t bend or twist or even lay down without feeling like my nerves were on fire.

Work accommodated but I felt useless. I couldn’t lift inventory anymore. Couldn’t do a key part of my job that I (oddly) enjoyed doing. Commuting the hour to school twice a week was excruciating, but it was my first year of grad school. I had to push through. My professors were kind, they accommodated so that I could be as comfortable as possible in class. But I felt like a distraction, a nuisance, a bother. It was so hard to focus on lectures and homework when 90% of the input my brain was receiving was that of pain.

I grit my teeth and bore it, my mental health hit a new all time low, and I broke down in front my my mother more times than I can count. And I did this for a year because insurance refused to cover surgery unless I proved to them I needed it. I had to jump through their hoops and play by their rules to get the procedure I needed and that my care team knew I needed. I lost feeling in my leg and foot because they made me wait.

I will forever be grateful for the doctors who listened, for the physical therapist who advocated for me, for my mom who surprisingly became my rock during the whole ordeal. But my insurance company? They can go fuck themselves.

My pain before that year was bad, but not excruciating. My pain now? It’s minimal. Sometimes I still lock up and I’ll likely never have all of the sensation return to my left foot, but I’ll take the constant pins and needles over that year of pain any day. That said, had it gone on much longer I genuinely don’t know if I’d be here typing this.

Anyways…I guess what I’m saying is IF he did it, I get it. I really really get it.

[highathanamothafucka]

Hey hey. I’m gay gay. And we’re coming live to ya, tonite at 6:24 special. ( I lied. Itz actually 7:24, 24/7)

Imma tell y’all, i got top surgereh consult on decemba eighth. this is what ive been been waiting for, for forever. gettin top surgery is the thing ive wanted, literally from the day I learned i was gonna get boobs. course, i didnt realize that was a thing, i just knew that i did not want boobs, no matter what. i even had night mares about waking up one day with a huge pair of boobs. in those night mares, i felt so disgusted, horrified, and embarrassed that i just kinda decided to hide forever. I couldnt stand the thought of people seein me like that. when the nightmares became real, about 2 years later, when i was 10, i was in complete denial. I was just pretendin it wasnt happenin, so thats what i did. i didnt let them grow. i just said “chest im not gonna let you go on. You need to stop and just get rid of that bit you gave me.” And that did it! It stopped my boobs from growing! yeah, it didnt. but i sure as hell told myself it did. when my mom told me we need to go shopping for training bras, i pretend we didnt. We didnt go to walmart, we didnt look look at training bras, she didn’t go into the fitting room with me and see my chest while i tried them on. We didnt take some training bras up front and buy them. And we didnt go home with them and put them in my room. none of that happened, or so i said. but denial doesn’t work like that. it doesnt make happen, whatever you think should happen. what it does is convince you that what is actually happening, isnt actually happening. so i didnt wear those dumb training bras that summer. i felt gross, and subconsciously knew i should have been wearing them. but i didnt wear them, because i couldnt admit that what was happening was real.

once 5th grade started, i started wearing the training bras. i didnt have enough denial to overcome the embarrassment of my peers seeing me with out a bra. and it felt more uncomfortable than anything has ever felt for me before. but it made those horrid growing boobs seem smaller, by rounding them out, instead of them being a bit pokier.

And there wasn’t anything else I could have done. I continued wear bras, because as long as I got the right bras, the ones that lightly compressed or just kinda loosely held them so they moved around less instead of the ones that push up or have underwire, then it made them smaller than without one. I was so embarrassed that i would even wear them to bed so no one saw me with out a bra on underneath my shirt. I’d usually take in off once i was alone in my room, in my bed, in the dark. and every day, right after my mom woke me up, that was the first thing i put on. eventually, i stopped wearing them to bed. the discomfort i felt from wearing bras was too much.

when i learned what binders are, i did try wearing them. unfortunately, with my asthma, i could barely wear them. it sadly made it too hard for me to breathe. despite that, over the years i still tried a bunch of different binders. ive bought at least 25 different binders in only 2 years.

but back when I learned what binders were, i learned about being trans. thats when i knew, deep down, that something was wrong. despite that, it took me many more years to actually figure out that im trans. 

but to make a long story short, i figured things out, and now I’ve got my consult in only 4 days. Its what ive always wanted. And before i know it, it will have happened. And I can’t fucking wait!

[nardonotes]

8 oct '24

6:49pm

i forgot to write last night.. ok i didn't but then i did. i was so restless last night y'all you have no idea... i was literally like tossing and turning. i even turned my tv off and tried to go to bed because i was so tired but i couldnt sleep!!!! ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽ dear god, please help me. but i didnt even do anything interesting- i literally just went to class and then the second i got home i was too fucking tired to do jack shit.

and then today i woke up at 7am out of nowhere then BOOM. I FELL ASLEEP UNTIL AFTER MY FIRST DOUBLE CLASS WAS DONE. i had like 15 minutes to make it to my last double class (tuesdays are chill for me sorta kinda) and you know what i could have easily just stayed home today but i pushed through!!!! i fucking PUSHED THROUGH MUDAFUCKAS!!!!!! ૮ ˙Ⱉ˙ ა..!! AND IM GONNA KEEP PUSHING THROUGH BECAUSE lemme stop yelling first of all,, because im literally up to date with my work now. like fully i am up to date with my work because i try not to procrastinate. god bless america! nothing and nobody to distract me,, keep pushing so i forget that seasonal depression is crawling at the back of my neck and probably the reason why i've been so restless and sleepless and my insomnia is acting up rlly bad again. ദ്ദി ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ )

BUT WE MOVE.

anyways,, after class- i went to get a haircut and it's literally just shorter like there's nothing new with it. i'm probably going to bleach it and dye it this week (same colour because i am not ready to go back to black for a really really long time. idgaf if my hair is brittle and fried. i am NOT READY!!!) ( ◉ _ ◉)

i just finished doing some work for college and im so glad i got stuff done! hehe... like wait..... college kinda really fun when you're on time for shit and u mind ur own business and u dont go drinking and skip class and do drugs and ur getting shit done and you're actually lookin into how this will benefit you in the future waittt.............,,.,,.

tomorrow i have a long day of classes back to back,, but it's ok because i really like one of my classes and my lecturer is soooo sweet and nice and she talks and talks and i like that because i like to talk and she let's me yap too idk also the lab room is so cosy, i actually might bring my macbook because i am so SICK OF THE COMPUTERS THERE..... anyways.

im going to lay in bed and marinate and read and probably beat my meat idk shit i feel free!!!!

btw: it's been so on and off with the weather here i kind of love hate it. cause why is it windy and raining in the morning then by 2pm it's beaming and feels like the last day of spring?? shit make me mad cause im tryna dress for autumn only. like let's cut to the chase bruh lemme wear my fucking beanie.

song of the day: Good Morning by Kanye West ヾ(｡✪ω✪｡)ｼ i miss u my king.... come back home kimberly........

[diamonds-dont-sparkle-they-shine]

Cat and Mouse (Demetri Volturi)

a Demetri Volturi × Swan!OC fic

chapter 1 >> chapter 2

(Word count: 7 382)

Lol so im gonna see if i can upload this before midnight, it's currently 11.43 in the night

Chapter 1

Mallory Swan did not know what the fuck was going on.

One minute, she gets a phone call from Jacob Black, saying that her sister decided to throw herself off a cliff (not his exact words, but that was what she got from his stuttering) - and the next, Mal finds herself in the backseat of Alice Cullen's car, the owner of said car going at an ungodly speed in the direction of the Port Angeles Airport. 

But the abrupt craziness didnt end there - apparently, Edward Cullen, the dude that stole Bella's heart and dumped her in the woods (literally) to freeze, was now on a suicide mission because he was somehow under the impression that Bella died when she had that oh-so-brilliant idea to jump off a freakin' cliff. 

Sometimes, Mal questioned her understanding of the human race - but then, she learned that Edward Cullen, and, well, the entire Cullen family, were not human... which probably explained why they were so fucked up to begin with, and why Mal's mind couldnt possibly begin to comprehend or even come to understand Edward and his motives. 

"He means well," Alice said after hearing Mal whisper "what the fuck" to herself for an enumerable amount of times (scratch that, Mal was sure Alice, in all her vampire-glory, counted the amount of times she did that), bringing Mal to only look at her in disbelief. Alice conceded, physically cringing as she said, "He has trouble expressing himself."

"Yeah bet." That made Mal realise that she, a seventeen year old teenage human being, had much better social skills and brain cells than a somewhat eighty year old vampire guy. (Mal wasn't sure how old Edward was - but eighty seemed like a nice enough number, so she just went with that.)

Mal couldn't remember much of what happened after the drive to Port Angeles - they boarded a plane, Mal slept away on it while Bella and Alice spoke in what they probably hoped were hushed voices, and then they got off the flight, only to board another one. They nearly missed their connecting flight to wherever it was that Alice said they needed to go, and so, the run only woke Mal up, the adrenalin making her mind run at what felt like a 180 in a 100 zone. She didnt get much sleep after that, unlike Bella, who clocked out for most of that flight, which only gave Mal the opportunity to ask Alice for a run-down of what the fuck was happening, and why the fuck were they fleeing the country. (In truth, Mal only tagged along because she didnt want to leave her somewhat-suicidal sister alone with the sister of the boy who abandoned her in the woods at the beginning of winter! What sort of sister would that make her? A disappointing one? If it meant anything, Mal did not disappoint.)

So, turns out, in the span of some 24 hours, Bella tried pulling some sort of bravado kamikaze move by launching herself off a cliff (something she fervently denied when Alice first shouted her at the Swan residence back in Forks), and then Alice saw her do the kamikaze dive, and didn't see her live thereafter in some sort of whack vision (because apparently Alice is a seer now), and then Alice told Rosalie or the family or something, and then Rosalie told Edward who apparently can read minds (Mal was super weirded out by this because - doesn't this guy know the definition of privacy? Mal didnt, but she knew the gist of what the word meant - which was; back - the fuck - off), and then Edward got like, super depressed because apparently he's madly in love with Bella and chose to leave her in the forest to freeze or whatever because that'd be better than her life being in constant danger because Edward was a vampire. (Mal saw that Eddy had good intentions… he just wasn't good at executing plans that came along with his good intentions. Instead of keeping Bella from harm - his actions served as a catapult, and there went Bella flying, into a burning fire… or in Bella's case, over a cliff and into the ocean!)

So after Edward found out - well, Alice "saw" that he'd find out, and then she came rushing to Forks to check on Charlie because apparently Bella was dead for reals (yes, Alice took her visions very seriously) but no, she found that Bella was very much alive, and then Edward - he called home and Jacob answered the call and said that Charlie was at a funeral. 

Now Mal understood where Jacob was coming from - really - Edward was this little shit who left Bella in the middle of the forest after saying him and his family were leaving Forks for forever or something like that. Look, Mal didn't really care about the politics or reasonings, all she cared about was the fact that her sister got deserted in the woods by this guy she was head over heels with - she would have much rathered he deserted her in some place safer, like their home, or their backyard, or like Bella's car or something. Not in the forest where Mal had seen actual dead bodies of humans - victims of, now it made sense, not just animals, but vampires! The kind that ate people! (Because apparently the Cullens were not your average vampires - no, their eyes were a golden yellow, because of their diet. "Vegetarians", Alice said, smiling, even though her brother was going to commit suicide any minute now. That only made Mal cringe because - ew, plants, how does that even work? - but then Alice clarified, they don't eat humans, they eat animals, which made Mal upset, because if vampires ate animals, then wouldn't that lead to a shortage of animals for humans to eat? Alice tried objecting but Mal stopped listening… staring out the window of the plane, watching as the clouds went by. Mal suddenly wanted to throw herself out into the sky, but she couldnt, because she'd die… and Mal valued her life very much to be that stupid.)

So, after they boarded their flights and reached their airports - Alice did some tom-thievery, and she stole a porsche. Mal was okay with that, because it was a fast car, and it looked cool. But then, Alice told Bella to get out of the car - that, Mal was not cool with, because, what the hell, Alice?

So Mal voiced her thoughts, and she followed after Bella, the sun blinding her, but that was alright, because hey, at least she wasn't burning like those vampires, right?

Or - well, Mal was confused. Because she saw Bella throw her entire body at Edward (after having very dramatically run through a fountain) who was glimmering. Literally. In the sunlight. 

"What the fuck," Mal whispered, weren't vampires supposed to - you know, burn, in the sun?

And wasnt Edward supposed to be committing suicide???

How the fuck was him shining like a disco ball, committing suicide?

Yeah, Mal remembered what Alice said about the Volturi - them being the governing board and whatever - and she remembered what Alice said about Edward making a scene… but Mal honestly thought that at the end of Eddy's little "scene", he'd be gone, capiche, turned to ash and dust - or charcoal, whatever it was that would be left behind of him once he burned in the sun. 

But holy fucking cow did Edward Cullen not burn in the sun, and holy fucking hell was Mal starting to freak out when she entered the Clock Tower after Edward and Bella - because holy fucking cheese-sticks did she realise the entire world's lore and mythos regarding vampires was entirely incorrect. Mal could only think about the paper work - and she would have cried about it, had she not been herded alongside the two idiot Cullens and her likewise sister into a creepy ass hatch thing that plunged them all into darkness.

Mal knew, as she watched Bella dip first, that she was going to have to focus on everything around her entirely, if she wanted to have a slim chance at survival.

And so, Mal did. 

She counted the steps, memorised the turns, and touched the walls. All the while a small map formed at the back of her head, while she followed along the group and found an elevator. 

Mal counted the seconds while she was inside the elevator, willing herself to be calm - surely, there would be a place to hide wherever they were going… but oh, they were going down… deeper and deeper underground… and Mal found herself grasping onto her sanity by adding to the little map in her head. Maybe, just maybe, she could take Bella and run from wherever the bad vampire people were taking them to - while, of course, Alice and Edward held them off. They'd probably die doing that, though, seeing as they were already outnumbered (Mal wasn't hard-headed enough to actually think Bella and her would help tip the scales a bit), but that would probably be alright for Edward, seeing as he so desperately wanted Bella to live - but that wasn't Mal's problem. Her only problem was living, and trying to find a way to keep on living - and maybe find a way to get herself and her sister out of the vampire's lair, say, alive…

But whatever childish hope Mal had when she entered what looked like a throne room, and the group was greeted by one black-haired dude that reminded Mal of ravens, was diminished once her eyes took in every facet of the room. 

There were no windows. At all. 

Mal was screwed.

She was so screwed.

She was so so so screwed.

She almost started laughing - but then she heard the dude laugh, and Mal realised, with widened eyes, that this must have been one of the leaders; a king. Maybe, if she went about things properly, she could butter him up, and he could let her and her sister leave with their lives. 

So of course, after Edward got his ass handed to him by the creepy blonde girl, and Aro turned to her with sudden interest, she only waved, "Hi," and then handed him her hand willingly, all the while her mind screamed, "DON'T KILL ME DONT KILL ME DONT KILL ME PLEASE DON'T KILL ME SIR PLEASE SIR PLEASE!"

Mal held her breath as she saw the king tilt his head to the side, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, before he nodded, dropping her hand and leaving Mal feeling happy. At least he agreed that he wouldn't kill her… 

But then, Aro said, "Interesting," and turned around to face the thrones and the other two kings, and Mal's instincts screamed at her to find an escape - any sort, but Mal couldn't. 

The only evident exit in the room that was closest to her and easily accessible, was the huge grate a little ahead of her, before the thrones. 

Mal was beginning to feel hopeless, because if she wanted to make it out of there alive, she was going to have to lift the lid of the grate really fast… fast enough so the vampires wouldnt beat her to it. And from the little she saw of Edward getting his ass beat - she knew that the possibilities of her reaching the grate, lifting it up long enough for herself and Bella to slip through and thereafter try to make their escape, was nil.

Consumed by the realisation of her damnation, Mal hadn't noticed the main king, Aro, give the order for the killing to start - she hadn't noticed the fact that Bella had been spun around with a slight touch of one vampire, or the fact that she had remained unapproached on the side. Yeah, she heard some crashing and marble breaking and also some hissing, but that was all happening too fast, and Mal had yet to come up with a successful escape plan. She couldn't focus on Edward getting his ass handed him to him once again, though this time, it was quite literal, or the fact that he was getting his ass handed to him because he didn't want the vampire who was kicking his ass to kill her sister and herself - no, Mal's mind was a little preoccupied, running too fast for her yo actually properly think and understand whatever it was trying to communicate to her…

Until, of course, Mal heard screaming - it was more like a desperate plea, though - and she found that it came from her sister, who had a brilliant idea of trading places with Edward. Scratch that. It wasn't a brilliant idea. It was a stupid one, because Edward was actually taking Bella's place to die, sort of, by interfering when the king gave the silent order for the girls to get killed. 

But regardless of what Mal was thinking, Bella's display of desperate love and need for the undead Edward to remain alive (or was it unalive, seeing as Eddie didn't even breathe anymore?) indefinitely, gained the attention and interest of Aro, and he called for the huge bodybuilder to stop in his ripping of Edward's head. Mal had only just seen cracks appear on Edward's neck, before they began to disappear, no doubt from the pressure, before she turned back to Bella and Aro, who were having a very deep conversation regarding the undead's ability to possess a soul. 

Mal thought they were all being very, very stupid in that moment - because, of course they had souls! How else would they, oh i don't know, move?!

All in all, Mal was confused as fuck, especially when Aro decided that, oh well, he heard enough about a teenage girl knowing a guy she met only a year ago, better than him, a century-old grandpa who literally accessed the fucking inside of his mind not too long ago. 

Yeah, Mal could only cringe at the thought of letting a super old guy that retained a super young-ish look touch her hand, only to be able to know every fucking thing she ever thought. Yeah, Mal was cringing just then and there, remembering that he touched her hand only a moment back, which meant he knew of all of those embarrassing moments she had, such as getting her head stuck under the root of a huge tree somewhere in the depths of the forest back in forks, and only being found by some really hot guys her age who ran around in jean shorts and no shirts, because her arms weren't short and she couldnt move them without seeing them, so - Aro saw all of that, and more.  Which meant : fuck. Mal just wanted to die already.

Or so she thought, because when she noticed Aro going for Bella's neck, she made a move forward, but immediately found her path blocked by a figure clad in black. She didn't even have time to push against the body, when Alice spoke up. 

"Wait! Bella will be one of us. I've seen it. I'll change her myself." 

Ah, yes, another 'what the fuck' moment for Mal, except this time, she said it in a barely audible whisper (which, obviously, all of the vampires in the room heard, because, duh, they're fucking vampires, and Bella too probably knew what Mal had whispered - after all, it was all she'd been whispering the entire day.)

Aro then moved a step away from Bella (Mal could only see this because she could peek a little over the vampire's shoulder, if she stood on her tippy toes), and held a hand out for Alice, who was hesitantly putting her hand in his. 

Tactile telepathy, Mal thought. Cool. Before she realised that, no, in fact, tactile telepathy was not cool, because that would mean you'd be reading whoever's mind whose body you just touched - so, say, you just want a hug from someone or a kiss on the cheek, but all you'd be getting in place of that was a flurry of thoughts. What if that person who gave you a hug was being super weird about it? Mal could only cringe, mentally, of course, because everyone in the throne room at that moment were still as statues, which only unnerved Mal, more.

"Mesmerising," Aro said, looking high as fuck, "to see what you have seen, before it has happened." Right. That didn't make any sense at all to Mal - but then again, not much did in the last few days, so who was she to judge? (Even though that didn't stop her from judging everyone around her with a very harsh, and critical eye. She should try judging herself.)

"Your gifts," he turned his attention to Bella, "will make for an intriguing immortal." What a fucking weirdo, Mal thought, not entirely understanding what he meant by Bella's "gift" - Alice's future-seeing worked on her, didn't it? So maybe only psychic abilities, like that blondie's gift of making Edward seize on the ground, didn't work on her? 

Oh, Mal could see why Aro was interested in Bella now - because that was a sort of cool gift. Bella was like, a door handle that refused to open (with regards to other psychic gifts) - she wouldn't let them into their mind. Mal was sad she didn't have her fair share in that gift. Was it hereditary? If so, she'd have some serious talking to do with her dad. 

Speaking, or, well, thinking of herself - Aro turned in Mal's direction, bringing her eyes to widen. Did she speak out loud? No, she didn't. She would have remembered hearing herself talk.

"But our business remains unfinished," Aro said, and Mal immediately knew he was talking about her.

And so, she squeeked, took a step back, and pointed at herself, saying, "Me?" Suddenly, the grate that was only a foot away from her and blocked by the vampire before her, seemed too far away… but still, that was her only way out, if she needed to run.

Mal felt that she'd need to run, soon. And fast, if she wanted to see the next sunset.

"The law demands it," Aro said, and Mal thought there must have been some words of his that she hadn't been getting - not while her mind started running again, sprinting, while the sound of her heart beating filled her ears. 

Oh there was no way in hell Mal was going to let herself die, she thought, quickly looking to the grate and coming up with a strategy she could use to get out. 

Edward had his head locked in the hands of the giant guard, so he'd be useless.

Bella was human, but she wouldn't die, because Alice said she was going to be turned into a vampire soon. And also, well, Aro seemed to like Bella a lot. Or rather, he seemed to like the vampire she'd become. Regardless, Bella wouldn't die, so Mal could afford leaving her behind - making her escape suddenly a thousand times easier.

And Alice - oh, Alice was going to be her saving grace. She only hoped that Alice would see what she planned on doing in the next few seconds or so…

"Wait!" Alice said. "If you kill her, you'll only be bringing about the start of the end of your coven."

Mal forgot all about her escape, and only blinked dumbly at Alice - Aro did the same, and while they all turned to face the pixie haired girl, Mal could only think about how, at that moment, Alice sounded like an actual seer. Sure, she was no Cassandra or Trelawney, she still had a long way to go - but hey! This was a start! She sounded as if she was actually about to start sprouting a prophetic sonnet or two. 

"She's the tracker's mate," Alice explained, and Mal's mind zeroed in on the word "mate". What the fuck was a mate?

The only "mate" Mal knew of, was the kind that you got in the wild, you know, animals that procreated with each other, producing more than one generation (i.e. wolves in packs with their "mates", the ones they hunted with, fed with, led the pack with, and, you know, made little wolf pups with) - that, and Australians. Mal didn't think Alice was talking about her being best buds with the tracker - whoever the hell he was - so the Australian use of "mate" was out of the question. 

Which left Mal with the other use of "mate" - and it made her stomach churn, just as the really blonde king spoke up in a hiss.

"Kill her for her lies," honestly, Mal would have thought her freaking out over the use of the word "mate" was a little over dramatic… but having seen the look of outrage on the king's face, and the venom in his voice… Mal was too afraid, too shocked, to even voice her thoughts, which were a teary : YOU GUYS WANT ME TO FUCK A DEAD PERSON WHAT THE FUCK ?

Alice ignored the king, "If you kill her, your coven falls, or begins to," and then her hand was taken by Aro's, and whatever it was that Alice saw, Aro took part of it too -

It is quick. Alec tears into Mal's neck, and her body falls to the ground. Demetri, who was behind Alice, takes a step back, his entire body seeming to falter as his face becomes filled with confusion, and then his eyes widen in shock, and his nose flare in disbelief as he looks to Alec, who remains unaware. It's a good opportunity for Demetri to enact revenge on Alec, considering his back is facing Demetri… and Demetri, seeing this, takes a step forward, before he abruptly stops.

The room changes. As do the people within it. Alec is missing. As is Demetri. As is Felix. The only person of the elite guard is Jane, whose face looks withered, and eyes a near-black. She stands in front of Aro's throne - which is empty - between Caius and Marcus. Caius looks angry, but Aro recognises the worry in his brow, while Marcus looks sad. More so than normal. 

Aro sees himself pace - a hand over his mouth, his hair unbrushed. He finds his body stop, and he looks to the other kings. Worry is evident in his eyes. His mouth opens to say something, but the room is suddenly dark, and all they hear are screams, and loud, very loud, footsteps - 

Meanwhile, Mal was freaking out, mentally, of course. No one could have possibly known what she was freaking out about, other than, of course, Edward, whose eyes only met her in - well, Mal couldnt begin to comprehend what that look was in Edward's eyes, because she was freaking the fuck out. 

There was no way in hell she was somebody's "mate" - hell, Mal had no "mates" of her own, back at home. She was perfectly fine being just by herself - always, alone, content with translating whatever mad idea that had found its way in her head for the day onto pieces of paper she would string together, if she couldn't find her notebook. She almost always could never find the empty notebooks she bought herself at the bookstores. They just seemed to disappear whenever she needed them most… and when she didn't need them, she'd find them and put them in a place she was absolutely sure she'd be able to find them, like under her bed, or in the little spaces between her bed frame and the mattress… she must have had other places she hid them all, obviously, if she never found them in those places when she needed the books the most. 

All things aside, Mal was happy with the way things were in her life - she was happy with Forks, and her rainy skies and cold beaches. She was happy with the never-ending trees and all the stories that were never told. She was happy with not knowing about vampires - because having found out about actual vampires, the ones that were the entire Cullen family, Mal found herself feeling extremely disappointed. Not entirely in them, but in herself, for not figuring out they were vampires. But hey, it wasn't as if she had any classes with them, what with being a year lower than Bella and Edward… but still. Mal had certain expectations about herself - she was a writer, for god's sake, not a good one, but a writer nonetheless. She should have known about the Cullens… if she did, then maybe she could have done something to stop the Cullens leaving - oh my fucking god what if somebody found about the Cullens and that's why they had to leave? How fucking dumb am i what the fuck.

Mal wanted to cry, just then. Not because she long tuned out whatever was happening around her, but because she couldnt believe just how dumb she was. Hell, if these vampires killed Mal right then and there, she'd be so fine with it, because she was just so disappointed in herself. 

It was in that moment that Mal heard Aro speak up - his voice echoing around the room, as if everyone had been silent during the time he held Alice's hand. Mal didn't know, mainly because Mal wasn't focusing on them anymore. 

"It… is true," he said, though he sounded very hesitant - unsure, and Mal found that the king that looked the most emo out of all of the vampires in the room, opened his mouth to speak. 

Mal had a feeling that if vampires were as loud as humans, she would have heard them all take a deep breath in. 

"It is," was all he said, looking at Mal, directly, which scared her a little, before his eyes darted elsewhere - probably looking at the other person she was supposed to be best-mates with, or whatever… that didn't matter. Not really, she told herself, because all that mattered was that she was going to live - she was going to get out of there, alive. And regardless of what she'd said, Mal valued her life. Greatly. So, really, pushing the whole creepy "mate" thing aside, Mal should have been happy - because she couldn't possibly be killed, not if the kings wanted their coven to like, get destroyed.

Suddenly, Mal felt smug. She was a catalyst for their destruction - and while villains in other stories would have killed her for being such a thing, these villains, could not. Because her death was the means to bringing about their end. And Mal absolutely loved that, and so, with a miniscule smile on her face, Mal asked, "So i can go, then?"

Silence filled the air, and the vampire that was in front of her, was gone. Poof. 

Everyone stared at her, and Mal couldn't help the smile that slowly began to form on her face, "You guys cant kill me… so i get to go, right?" 

The vampires were silent - Bella, as well, was silent. 

"Right?" Mal asked again, this time raising an eyebrow. She really shouldn't have asked a second time - she shouldn't have asked the first time, because that was just her jinxing herself. 

"Right," she said, "so i'm just gonna go," she said, pointing over her shoulder and taking slow steps back. 

She didn't get far. 

"I'm afraid we cannot allow for that," Aro said, and Mal got the feeling that he wasn't afraid at all.

"What?" Mal asked, eyebrows pulled together. "Why not?"

"Watch. your. tongue," the blonde king gritted out, glaring at Mal, but Mal ignored him. In her opinion, Aro had the most say in what happened. So, he was the one she was going to have to worry about, the most.

"It pains me to separate siblings," he said, looking almost apologetic, as his eyes darted from Bella to Mal, "but I cannot allow for Mallory's release. The rest of you, however, are free to go or stay, as you please."

Mal's mouth dropped open. The fuck?

The giant guard let Edward go, and immediately, he was by Bella's side, holding onto her elbow as she took a step forward. "And why not?" She asked, and Mal would have cheered, but she found Aro's eyes light up as he watched Bella. 

Of course, she thought, Aro wants Bella. He's going to turn her into a vampire, and she'll be phenomenal, and because of that, he's going to want her. And what better way to keep her with them, than by keeping someone close to her, there?

"Why, because Demetri is a very valuable member to our coven," he explained. "And I thank you wholeheartedly, Alice Cullen, for helping prevent our destruction," he paused for effect, "but, I cannot let Mallory go, for she has become dear to us."

Alright, so clearly, everything Aro was saying was absolute bullshit.

"I don't understand," Bella said, looking up to Edward, whose eyes did not stray from Aro. Oh yeah, they were mental-bros. Telepaths, of different classes. Edward probably knew all the shit that was flying around in Aro's mind at that moment. 

"Perhaps," Aro said, smiling at Edward, "you could explain it to her… in a manner she would understand."

Edward's jaw was set, and Mal focused her eyes on him, suddenly feeling very invisible, because she wasn't being addressed, per say, only being spoken about. It frustrated her a little, but she pushed her ego aside and focused on what Edward had to say.

"Mallory is Demetri's mate," he started. "His soulmate. His other half. She completes the parts of him that cannot be completed by anyone else, and he completes the parts of her that cannot be completed alone." At the last part, Mal's head jerked back a bit, and Edward's eyes finally settled on her.

The fuck… she thought. So… they were soulmates?

Mal's mind was boggled.

There was absolutely no - way. No way. Nah ah. No ways. This wasnt happening. What the hell - Mal was only seventeen, and just found out about the existence of vampires, and now she was learning that she had a soulmate, and because of said soulmate, she wasnt allowed to leave? What kind of fuckery was this??? The other theory she had about mates made more sense! The parts about the procreation! Even though she wasn't keen on procreating with an essentially dead person, that somehow made more sense to Mal than this. 

Though, the more Mal began to think about it - the idea of soulmates, the splitting of atoms that were once together from before the beginning of time… the imagery and thought and idea of the existence of soulmates settled in an oddly… endearing way, in Mal's heart. 

But wait - for them to be real? Mal felt herself beginning to fall off the edge of sanity. (Kind of like how Bella fell off the cliff, back in Forks.)

No. This couldn't be possible. No ways. 

"No thank you," Mal said, pursing her lips and shaking her head. She turned away from Edward and looked to Aro, saying, "I don't like your reasoning very much, so i'm just going to ignore whatever happened over here, and im going to leave, alright? Great! Let's go," she said, turning around, but Aro's voice stopped her.

"I wouldn't do that if i was you," and Mal heard the threat in his voice. She turned to face him, annoyance clear on her face, but she remained silent. 

"You have two choices set before you today - the first being, your stay in the castle." That didnt sound very nice. "Your sister and friends are more than welcome to stay, and after a period of time, you will be turned into a vampire, as will your sister." Edward's face soured, but Aro continued. "The second, of course, will be the termination of all who stands in the way of the law, which was broken, who knows how many times in these last few years." Mal watched as his eyes narrowed in on Alice and Edward - the more sensible of the two actually bowing her head in shame. 

Mal wanted to run. 

She wanted to run and run and keep on running and just - get out, but the grate was further from her, with the metal still on. She'd have to pry it open with her hands, and be quick with it, but first, she'd have to get to it before any of the vampires got to her -

"The choice is yours," Aro said, extending his hands, and Mal wanted to scream at him, but she still wanted to run… to flee… to escape. 

Tears filled her eyes as reality set upon her - in the end, regardless of what she made, she would still be stuck there, in the castle, underground, away from her family, her friends… if trees could be counted as friends. 

Regardless, Mal would be trapped. And Mal didnt like being trapped. 

"I just - want - to go home, sir," she gritted out the term of respect, before she pled her case. "Please."

"As I have stated before," Mal could see his irritation simmer, "that is not possible. Too many in the room know of your relations to Demetri, and thus, to us."

Mal wanted to scream. "But there is no relation," she exasperated, looking up at Aro, hoping to have mercy, just once… but little did she know, the Volturi were not merciful.

"You will learn the status of a mateship - a true one - soon, when time allows for it to grow." Mal wanted to scream then - this whole thing, the mate thing, was beginning to sound more like a burden than anything. 

So much for being soulmates, she thought bitterly, shaking her head.

"Now, your choice."

Edward made it for her.

"Keep her," he said, and Mal looked at him with betrayal clear in her eyes - she found Bella do the same. "She can be your guarantee, and a token of our coven's gratitude to you," Mal wanted to vomit, as fear began to claw itself through her. 

She looked to Bella, who looked at her, eyes wide, before her eyebrows pulled together apologetically, "I'll see you again," she said, and Mal shook her head as hot tears began to form. They were going to leave her. 

"No, no, no," Mal said, her voice a soft plea. "Please don't go," she said, taking a step towards her sister, but Edward pulled her back, sending a dagger - sharp, like the ones she used when she'd cut up fish with her father on his many fishing trips - into her heart.

"We're leaving," Edward said. "Now."

Alice walked over to him, and Mal looked over to her, eyes pleading, "Please - dont leave me."

Alice at least looked apologetic, while Edward straight up turned Bella by the shoulders away from her, turned his back to her as well, and walked away. 

Mal felt like dying. 

Were they really leaving her? In Italy? Alone? With vampires who could drink her dry? (Mal knew they wouldnt kill her, but still.)

"Bella!" Mal said, trying to go after her sister, but a chest suddenly blocked her from doing so. 

"No!" She shouted, hitting the chest with her fist, but it was immovable. Like a rock. "BELLA!" She shouted again, trying to see her sister as she left. "Bella, don't leave me, please! Don't leave me!" Her shouts turned hysterical. "BELLA! BELLA PLEASE!" 

The door closed, and Mal felt the world close in on her - and she felt hands, cold like ice, on her arms, trying to stop her movements, but Mal only pulled her arms to herself harder.

"No!" She said, her voice suddenly hard, her words gritted. "No, get your hands off of me!"

And their hands were gone, and Mal found herself glaring at a blonde whose haircut was… questionable. But Mal didn't let herself think on it anymore than she needed, because her mind immediately turned in on itself to find her an escape. 

She was so not getting left behind in Italy. She was going to make sure of that. 

Immediately, her eyes settled on the grate - only, it was so much further from her now, which only made Mal breathe heavily, because Alice and Edward were not there anymore to be her distractions, and Bella… Bella was gone.

Bitch, she thought, before turning around again, finding the world spinning - the lack of windows made her mind spin, it made her world turn cloudy. It made her feel claustrophobic. And the fact that she couldn't see any other door, any other form of escape… Mal felt trapped, and she felt like dying. She felt as if she were dying - as if she were in a coffin without holes, already put six feet under ground, where no one could hear her screams of terror. 

"Alec," she heard Aro's voice, only that it wa so far away - and when Mal turned to look at him, Mal found the world washed with… her tears. They were hot, again, and on her cheeks. And wet. And Mal felt as if she couldn't - see, but she screamed. 

"I said DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME," and Mal forced her legs to carry her through the horrible fog that appeared out of nowhere - she could see it, light, glimmery, like a shift in the air, and she also couldnt see it. But she could feel it, like a soft numbing kiss over her eyelids, and a tingling in her hands and legs. 

"Don't, you fucking," she gritted, looking straight at the fog as it came closer to her. She could see it, and she could also feel the way it made her body scream with fear. To, "Stay. The fuck. Away. From me."

"How curious…"

"Alec," came an edged voice, but Mal couldnt fucking think. She wanted to get to the grate, really, because it was her only fucking escape, but she had no - no plan. The odds were piled so high - so high against her. Even her desperation was beginning to win, as her tears continued falling -

But then the doors opened again, and a cheerful lady wearing a pretty red dress walked in, smiling as she greeted the kings with a bow. 

"Heidi!" Aro greeted her. "How wonderful for you to join us. And oh, guests! I do love guests!" He sounded surprised, but Mal couldn't think properly - not when she saw the doors open, and she was about to sprint for them, her only possible escape, when she felt a hand gripping her arm, tightly, bringing her to look at the person who did so with burning eyes. 

Mal found that it was the blonde man who stood in front of her from earlier - the one who grabbed her arms, and Mal felt herself burn with rage. 

He was not going to ruin her escape, she thought, already pulling her free arm back, in an attempt to punch his face really hard, when he only took a hold of that arm, and said, "Come," nodding in the direction of the door. 

Mal calmed, not entirely, but she wasn't crying, not as she looked in the direction of the door, and then at the red eyes of the man who held her hands. 

He let go of her, and nodded, and turned his back to her, walking in that direction. 

Mal couldn't help but follow - she hadn't even realised she was through the doors when it suddenly closed, and when she turned, she found herself facing the chest of the vampire, and then hearing screams which set her off again - she wanted to run, but found her her ams being held by his hands, yet again. 

"Look ahead," he said. "Focus on anything, except that," he said, but Mal couldn't hear him. Not when she realised that there were people - actual people in that room, and they were screaming, not because they were frightened, but because they were being killed, one after the other, by the people she was supposed to be staying with for an indefinite amount of time. 

Mal felt sick to her stomach, and could do nothing for herself, except breathe in deeply through her nose, and then exhale. 

"Good," the vampire said, and Mal wanted to punch him again, "breathe."

Mal relaxed herself, and when he let go of her, she glared at him, looking at him in the eye, before she took a step closer to him - and then she moved to punch him, moving from his abdomen upwards, but the minute her fist made contact with his skin, it was set alight, and Mal cried out, immediately drawing her hand back as she felt flames engulf her bones.

"FU-UCK!" She cried out, tears falling from her eyes again as she bit down on her lip, hoping to stifle her cries and the pain, but it didn't help. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK," she cried, hopping around as she cradled her fist to her chest. She closed her eyes, breathing in, deciding she wasn't even going to look at it, because what if she broke it? Seeing it broken would only make the pain worse. But fuck. Her whole arm, let alone fist, was on fire. 

"You have an interesting choice of words," the vampire said. "It almost makes me wonder just how extensive your vocabulary is."

Mal looked at him with a glare, "Don't fucking patronise me, you dick."

The vampire smirked, holding a finger up at her as he said, "Ah, there it is again. That lovely word."

Mal gritted her teeth. He was fucking patronising her. 

The vampire suddenly took a step towards her, bringing Mal to take a step away from him, suddenly very weary of him. He looked as one usually would after sighing, before saying, "Your hand," holding his out. 

Mal shook her head. There was no way in hell she was going to let him touch her hand - it hurt too much.

Her refusal only made the vampire look in the distance - and Mal realised he was looking in the direction of the throne room, the door remained closed - before he looked back to her, this time, his face collected, free of any smirks or smiles, and said, "Come."

"No," Mal said.

"Come with me," he repeated, this time, there was an edge to his voice.

Mal didn't care. Her hand was already injured - maybe, if he got really angry, he could accidently kill her and put an end to her misery. That'd be sad, but it was better than living wuth the knowledge of being abandoned by her older sister in a Vampire's lair for fuck's sake.

"No," she shook her head. "My dad's a cop, and he told me to never go walking alone with strangers." Of course, Mal didn't always listen to her father, but that was when she had her trusty pepper spray or knife with her. Currently, she had none.

The vampire's jaw went taught, and Mal was impressed with the look of it, before he said, "I am to escort you to your room." He paused. "And i would appreciate it if you hurried along, because i… am hungry."

Mal raised an eyebrow, considering telling hin to just bite into her neck and get it over and done with. But instead, she said, "Say please."

Mal heard him breathe out air, the sound of his exasperation was paired with… a growl. Something which slightly scared Mal, if she was going to be honest, but then, he breathed in, smiled at her, and said, "Please?"

Mal didn't even think to bother him anymore, the growling sound was no doubt him - and it scared her enough to keep her silent through her own pain, and simply nod for him to lead the way. 

He returned her nod, and when he turned his back to her, Mal looked in the direction of the door that they came out of - and estimated a number in her head.

"It would not be wise to run," he said. "I will find you, indefinitely." 

Mal didnt want to see him try, and so, she turned to face him a few paces ahead of her, saying, "I'm not entirely stupid," a smile slowly forming as she took steps which she counted, a plan already beginning to take form in her mind. 

Ah, sadness, it's 12.18 in the night and i've only just finished transferring chapter 1 from my google docs , but oh well

Mal swears a lot, yes, i know, not because she's 17, but because i was in a funny swearing mood when i wrote this sooo... also it's especially funny for me seeing as i dont swear, and also because Mal is essentially surrounded by ancients and she's just got the mouth of a sailor (not really but i mean how many times have i dropped the f bomb in this??? Idk im not gonna count i'll just be humourously disappointed in myself)

Anyways hope you guys enjoyyyyyed

[shepherds-of-haven]

Oh how’d the ROs react if they couldnt see MC bc of quarantine? (Good bye Blade, who probably worried himself to an early grave 😔💗)

Here’s how they would react to quarantine overall!

Blade: he’d seem fine, but he’d take walks at night to get out of the house with minimal chance of running into anyone, and maybe his walks would frequently happen to meander past MC’s house, and maybe he’d stand across the street and stare worryingly at MC’s door for a bit to make sure she was okay and secure and safe at home! And maybe he’d start leaving stuff from the convenience store on her doorstep like some kind of nightly raccoon visitor, because he knows she doesn’t hydrate enough. But he would never admit to it unless MC asked him directly lol!

Trouble: he’d be on Facetime/call with MC 24/7. Literally from the moment they woke up to the moment they went to sleep. Even when he was supposed to be working lol.

Tallys: she’d visit MC daily but just like... wave or talk to each other through the window. Nothing is going to stop her from seeing MC in a safe manner!!!

Shery: she’d mail MC a little treat or gift, usually from those catalogue websites when she was bored, as a way of coping lol!

MC: Shery I can’t eat 4 pounds of baklava by myself

Shery: you can freeze it!

Riel: he’d have nightly long calls with MC--like 3 hours long--and arrange something like a Netflix Watch Party so they could watch things together!

Chase: he’d be texting and calling MC so much that it’d get annoying lol. Every few days he’d drive by MC’s house with a different phrase painted across his windows. It’s all part of an elaborate code and if MC can figure it out by the end of quarantine, he’ll give them something nice~

Red: he’d keep diaries of what he did during the day to send to MC intermittently, kind of as a joke. At first it would start off normal, like “8 AM. Fed the cat. 10 AM. Started to read that book I wanted to read, you remember the one” but would devolve into “DAY 42. THE DARKNESS IS SETTING IN. THE SOUND OF DRUMBEATS DRAW CLOSER. ALL OF MY COMPANIONS HAVE ABANDONED ME. THE MOLE PEOPLE--”

Ayla: she’d be annoyed that she couldn’t see MC and would punch out her feelings in the home gym she assembled as a way of coping with quarantine. Regularly she would stand on her roof and yell “LET ME SEE MCCCCCCCCCCCCC”

Briony: she would text and call MC a lot, but it would definitely get her down because it’s just not the same! She gets frustrated by the confines of texting and would feel a little like she and MC were not quite in sync. So then she’d self-quarantine rigorously for several weeks so she could just barge in and visit/move in with MC!

Lavinet: they’d set up a Facetime/Zoom situation where MC would have to carry her around as a tablet all day so they could “be together” lol! She’d even make MC tuck her tablet into bed in the same spot where her body would be so they could sleep side by side lol!

[words-for-holland]

Quarantine Series: Birthday Date Night

Summary: It’s Y/N’s birthday, but Tom faces a slight problem. How does a boyfriend top off an accidental proposal while his girlfriend is working on her birthday...again!

Check the Rest: Burnt Out | A New Look | Secret Cuts & Kisses | Breaking Friendships |The Birthday Week | Movie Night | Silence is Golden?

Masterlist

A/N: Sad to say that Quarantine Series may end real soon with 3 more parts to go 🥺. Also this was inspired by my birthday which just happened fairly recently! Thanks for all the support!!

“Tom, mate. You’re pacing back and forth is making me dizzy.” Harry warned Tom, as he lied down on his bed, laptop in hand.

“Sorry, but I don’t know what to do! Y/N’s birthday is in a few days and I have absolutely no plan.” Tom reasoned as he plops on the couch across from Harry. “I mean I already blew the proposal which was supposed to be her birthday gift, but thats gone to shit.” He mumbled, biting his thumbnail.

“Just be happy she said yes.” Harry chuckled as he recalled the day. “I mean has she given any hints? You know Y/N, if there’s something she really wants, she’ll tell the whole world.”

“I know, but she hasn’t said a word and everytime I do ask her, she says ‘I dont know.’”, Tom groans as he rubs his temples. “I just want to do something really nice for her.”

Harry rolls his eyes as he continues shopping for his gift for Y/N. He and Y/N always loved to share memes and compete in board games, so it was only fair he’d get her an exclusive edition of Exploding Kittens. The one with a hard cover box, that plays mariachi music when you open it up. To be fair, he also really wanted it too, so imagine all the rounds they could play in a single day. “You always say this every year, but ever year you always deliver. I don’t know what you’re so worried about.”

Tom sits still to ponder on his brother thoughts. “Yeah..Yeah I guess. Maybe I could take her out for a picnic lunch date. I know she’ll love to get out of the house. I’ll ask her to take off on Friday and it’ll be perfect!” He plans excitedly. He stands up, proud of his well thought out plan, already thinking of the perfect place to settle, the blankets to bring, and the smooth moves he’ll plan to swoon her away. It was completely foolproof.

Just two days before, Y/N displays a noticeable frown on her face. Sludging through the house, only made Tom drop his smile twice as fast when he noticed. “Hey, darling is everything all right?” He asked with worry written all over his face. Deep down, Tom prayed, hoping it was just something she liked was sold out or that she found out the ending of Hamiliton or something..anything but...

“My boss needs me to work Friday. Apparently they think it’s a great idea to put me as the President in charge of IT while he’s out.” Y/N says in a disappointing tone. “Im sorry, I know you wanted me to take off and I definitely wanted to for my birthday, but I guess it’s not happening.” Y/N’s heart feels heavy as she sees Tom’s equally disappointed face. “I did ask for Monday off, so whatever it is you planned we can do it then!” She mentioned, trying to cheer him up.

Tom let out a sadden sigh. He knew it wasn’t her fault, but of all days? Right when he was about to leave for Berlin in less than 4 days? Right when he and Y/N could spend another birthday together? At this point Tom felt like a hopeless man, as he stood in front of his girlfriend, who showed remorse and sorrow. Her long hair draped over her shoulders, and lips forming into that adorable pout that he could not resist. It almost made him smile, but only a little. “I know, but its not the same! You’re turning 24 and you have to work? Can’t you make some excuse?” He asks coming closer to her, smiling mischieviously.

Y/N’s brows knit together as she cautiously observes Tom’s behavior. She knew that look, that smile, that little bite lip he was pulling. “Oh no. No. No. No.” she says repeatedly, resisting the charm. “Im not gonna make some excuse.”

Tom comes even closer, his face bending down a little to meet her eye level, smiling as he runs the very tips of fingers on her sides. “C’mon darling, break the rules a little. I promise I’ll make it worth your while.” He whispers kissing down her neck. “Please?”

Y/N looks up and away from those deep brown eyes, still resisting. “Tom, you know I can’t, no matter how bad I want to say yes.”

Tom draws a line up to her jawline with the tip of his nose. His breath warm against her soft skin. He hums and smiles, “Is your boss a fan of spiderman? What about his kids? I for sure remember you telling me Zach was a huge fan.”

Y/N laughs as she rolls her eyes, but she found it so endearing. The fact that he even remembered your boss’ kids’ name even though he’s probably caught a glimpse of them once or twice during her zoom meetings. “No. You are most definitely not using your celeb status to get me off from work.”

Tom shrugs his shoulders, as if it weren’t a big deal. He wasn’t one for flaunting his fame, but if it meant he could spend another day with Y/N, he would gladly use it. “Please...” he pleads one more time. “Just wanna spend time with my girl on her special day.”

Y/N thinks about it. She really did want to take off, and Tom’s efforts were quite convincing to say the least. It was only a matter of time before Tom would have to leave for Berlin, and Y/N wanted nothing more than to spend every minute with him. But Y/N also knew that if she didn’t do as she was asked by her company, the higher ups would probably have a bad impression of her or worse...fire her on the spot. Yet she knew her boss was also an understandable and chill guy. It wasn’t like she couldnt take off, just not when he’d be out at the same time, especially when she was asked to be in charge of the entire department.

Then, it hit her. She quickly excused herself out of the room to talk to her boss, and quickly came back to Tom with a smile on her face. Tom loved the way she smiled, and how her one little dimple formed on the right side of her mouth. He knew she was really happy, and he had just an idea of what it was. “You got the day off.” He answered excitedly.

“No.” Y/N responded, “But I did ask for half a day, so I’ll be free after 12.” Y/N continues as she comes closer to Tom, wrapping her hangs around his neck. “Hows that for a compromise? And I’ll do anything you wanna do for the rest of the day.”

“Good because you’re gonna love what I have in store for you.” Tom says, almost ready to brag about his well thought out romantic plan. He was ready to treat her like the queen she was on her birthday. How could anything go wrong?

On that faithful Friday, Tom woke up Y/N to many many birthday kisses. Reciting how beautiful she was, and how he couldn’t wait to celebrate with her. Reluctantly he had to let go, as she padded her way to the bathroom to get ready and head into her makeshift office for the next 5 hours.

Tom was all smiles, excited to take Y/N out. While everything felt like it was going according to plan, his mates had other news. “Ninety percent of thunderstorms?!” Tom exclaimed to his best mates in the kitchen.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be a major storm out there. Probably the worse that London’s had in a while.” Tuwaine informs as he reads the news on his phone.

Tom became a stuttering mess not sure how to justify or ask how that could be possible when it was beautiful this entire week. “But...But...It’s so nice out now!” He says discouraged. “No, this ruins my entire plan.”

“Hey mate, dont be like that. You can still find a way to celebrate it. Maybe you can do something romantic inside?” Harrison offers. Thats when it clicked. Harrison smiles, knowning the answer to Tom’s problem. “Yeah..make a date night here. We can set up the living room to be all fancy like.”

“Yeah! Tuwaine Harrison and I can be your waiters and make your dinner. Then just leave you two alone to do whatever you want you want.” Harry suggests.

“Just please...don’t mess up the couch.” Tuwaine groans, thinking about the potential possibity. “Im getting grossed out just thinking about it.”

Tom looks at his mates, giving thought into the new back up plan. He smiles at the group saying , “Lads, I think we got a new plan.”

Its exactly three in the afternoon when Y/N logs off from her laptop. She looks up at the window to notice how dark and dreary it was outside. Thunder was booming, and rain droplets came down hard, splashing off the window. It was her favorite kind of stay-in weather, but she hoped it didnt interfere with Tom’s plans if they had anything to do with being outside. As she opened the door, Harry and Tuwaine greeted Y/N with their own gifts and hugs. They made sure, she got dressed up, and led her downstairs. “M’Lady, your fiance will be right out.” Harry says in the most posh accent he could muck up.

Y/N rolls her eyes, and the moment she sees Tom walk into the living room, her heart skipped a beat. He dressed up with a bouquet of flowers and balloons in his hand. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.” He says. “You look so beautiful.”

Y/N takes the gifts from his hands, placing them on the table. She runs to Tom, kissing him passionately, savoring the sparks that came and left with every push and pull of their soft lips. “You had plans to go outside for my birthday didn’t you?” She teases.

Tom laughs, as he throws his head back. “Yeah...I was planning a picnic and everything, but thats why I made sure Plan B would just be as romantic.” He takes her hand as they sit down at the candlelit table, eating, drinking , and talking away about anything and everything. When it was sometime Harrison, Harry, and Tuwaine brought out a cake that Y/N had only been fantasizing and drooling about since May.

“No way! How did you guys order it?! I thought they didn’t do international shipping for Milk Bar!” Y/N exclaimed.

“Actually..they didn’t. But the recipe was online and we made it ourselves, with Sam’s help of course.” Harry answered, as he placed the candles in the center.

Her jaw dropped for a good ten minutes as she looked at the rainbow sprinkled cake, and the fluffy white frosting that sit perfectly in-between the layers. The crumbs on top were surprisingly uniformed and formed a perfect circle border, she was very impressed with them. Harrison lit the candles as all the boys sang along...off key of course with hints of laughter coming off every other note. Tom moved to her side, placing his arm around the back of her chair and leaned in to place a soft kiss on the top of her head. “Make a wish darling.”

Y/N looked up to see her favorite people in the entire world, smiling. “I dont need to. Everything I could possibly want is right here.” Y/N quickly blew the candles out and everyone left with their fair share of the cake. It was just Tom and Y/N left. They quickly changed out of their fancy clothes and back into their sleep wear, ending the night with watching Stardust and cuddles in the dark. Y/N tries to look behind her to see Tom’s face, who in turn looked down at her. She smiled at him whispering, “I love you.”

Tom quickly leaned in to capture her lips before answering, “I love you too. Happy Birthday Y/N.”

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl @parkerspillow @joyleenl @kihyunwifes @holland-bowen @in-a-lot-of-fandoms-tbh @marvelobsessedteenager @viwihere

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 40

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: i hope this isnt too much and that youre still enjoying this story! its almost over tho, so if you have any request please send them asap! I have a few more chapters planned but I could always add a few filler chapters if you guys send me ideas. so yea, thank you!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : here are the requests i used. im sorry about the Julia one, they couldnt have a very big and deep talk because it was Liv’s chapter but I still wanted to add her in because i really like her :) hope its okay!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 40 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

May 7th, 2018

It was quite late but we were both packing our things in silence. I had waited last minute to do it while Niall had to wait until he was back from his concert, which resulted in us doing it together. I missed going to see him play and sing and the thought made something stir in my stomach. I couldn't believe I stopped myself from going to see him do what he loved the most to do in the entire universe just because I was scared of what some losers could write in an online article. The more I thought about it, the more I found that completely ridiculous. I was about to mention something about it when I heard Niall talk, breaking the silence.

"Oh, I totally forgot to give you that." He leaned closer to me and handed me a small box that was wrapped in pretty pink paper. I frowned but took it in my hand anyway as he shrugged. "A fan told me to give it to you. Apparently, she was really sad when we broke up."

I stared at the small box on y hand and licked my lips. I knew most of it were just rumors, but I also knew that some people believe everything they'd read online. Still, this time, I couldn't blame them since it was the truth. I quickly unwrapped it and grabbed the note first, reading it out loud.

"We thought Niall was the biggest One Direction fan in the world, but we've seen you multiple times with random One Direction merch and we thought you may enjoy this."

I frowned more but when I saw the necklace, I let out a louder laughter. It made Niall frown too and I looked up at him with a smirk, bringing my hand closer to him. Around my fingers was hanging a necklace with his face on it. It seemed to be very old merch, probably from 2011, and I saw him grimace.

"No, Liv!" he whined as I put it around my neck and I chuckled again.

"Hey, it's a gift!" I argued. "Besides, I didn't have this one. I love it."

"You're such a pain." he joked, making me laugh this time.

I didn't see it coming but he literally jumped on me and I fell on the bed with a high scream. He pinned me down and started tickling me, holding both my wrists with one hands as the fingers of the other squeezed my waist, making my body jerk.

"Noooo! Niall stop!"

I squirmed, kicking him and hitting him without really knowing or controlling what I was doing. It took him a few seconds to stop and he stared down at me with a smirk as my lips were parted. I was panting low, not even able to enjoy his body on top of mine.

"Please, let me wear the necklace." I almost begged in a low voice.

His eyes roamed on me for about a minute and finally, the left corner of his lips raised up and he nodded once before moving closer to kiss me.

I had decided to follow him in Spain even if I had no idea when I'd have to fly back to California. We still had a few episodes to film but I was hoping Niall could come with me. He only had a few concerts left before he'd be off for a few weeks and even if he had to fly to the UK at the end of the month, I was thinking he could spend almost two weeks with me. I knew all we did was live in our luggage, going from airports to airports but at the same time, we were together and it's really all that mattered to me.

His lips moving slowly against mine made my heart twist in my chest. I loved him so much, I always would and I knew it. I was starting to trust him again, so much that the tiny ball of fear that seemed to live permanently in my stomach was now gone. I had decided that I wanted to live this plenty, to not hold grudges of fears that came from our past. I wanted to move forward and I knew that we had both changed for the better.

May 8th, 2018

We woke up early to catch our flight and I put my sunglasses on because I knew I looked exhausted. They were heart shaped but were black instead of my usual pink or purple ones for the simple reason I thought it would be less obvious to the people around that I had puffy and tired eyes. I didn't mean travelling if it meant being with Niall, but that didn't mean it was it wasn't sucking up all my juice.

I didn't expect the airport to be crowded but it was, and I moved my head down, trying not to catch anyone's attention. The fans started screaming, the paps started yelling at Niall to look their way, and when one of them moved too close to us, I felt my heart jump in my chest and without thinking, I grabbed Niall's hand. I realized my mistake and quickly let go of it only to feel his fingers tighten around mine. I could swear the flashes became even more intense right after and I glanced at Niall, licking my lips as I heard similar questions being yelled around us.

"Are you two back together?"

"Did you cheat on Dylan and Heidi together?"

"Are all the rumors true?"

We both held each other's hand tighter at the sound of all these questions being thrown at us and we kept walking as they followed us. I could feel my heart beat so hard in my chest that I felt like it was about to escape. I swallowed hard trying to relax a bit as I kept glancing at my boyfriend.

"Does that mean we're official?" Niall asked me, squeezing my fingers even more after he stopped walking, and moved closer to make sure I was the only one who heard.

I turned his way and licked my lips, trying to ignore the flashes and the sounds of the cameras. I was not used to that much attention, or at least, not as intense as it was being at that moment, but even if it was a bit intimidating, I was not scared.

"Do you want us to be?"

His gaze moved on my face as he studied me before sending me a fond smile. "Yes, I do."

I sent him a gentle smile that turned into a very big one. "We're official then."

"Fuck yes." he whispered, making me chuckle.

He pulled on my hand and we started walking again but as we were about to pass the gate, he quickly and roughly moved our hands up to show our intertwined fingers and it surprised me so much I felt my heart skip a few beats.

"FUCK YES!" he repeated in a yell, making me burst into laughter this time.

If I wasn't sure Niall loved me, I definitely was now. The fact that he literally told the world we were together proved much more than anyone could believe. I knew he was private, and so was I. I also knew he didn't like his private life to be in the spotlight, or talked about, or known, and him showing everyone, fans and paps included, that we were an item by throwing our hands up just showed me how committed he was. People would talk about us and the wrong things we did to Dylan and Heidi, people would definitely criticize us as individuals but also as a couple and I knew that for a while, people would stop talking about his music and my tv show only to blab shit about our love, but he thought it was still worth it and even if I was a bit surprised, it touched me more than I thought it would. And just like that, the blinded trust I had for Niall until he broke up with me was back, and I knew that this time, it would be different.

                                                          ---

We took a nap when we arrived at the hotel and when I woke up, it was the middle of the afternoon and Niall's arm was wrapped around me as he was laying on his stomach. I ran my fingertips on his arm and reached his back, making him groan slightly. He looked so good, his eyes closed, his bottom lip a bit over his upper one in a cute pout and his hair a bit messy. It made something come alive inside me and I realized that we went through so many things to get back pretty much where we used to be. The difference was us and the way we had grown, and I knew that what we lived when we were away from each other was needed to have the relationship we had at that very moment.

I tried not to wake him up and sat up slowly and gently in bed, rubbing my eyes and yawning before grabbing my phone. I knew he didn't want me to but I searched for his name and mine in google and a bunch of pictures from the airport appeared. My lips curled more at the picture of us walking away while Niall held our hands up together. I stared at it for a few minutes and pressed my lips together, feeling suddenly ecstatic and a bit dizzy. It was really happening. I was back with Niall and we were happy together. In all the months we were apart, I had wished for it, but I never thought it would really happen at some point.

"What are you looking at?" he mumbled low, taking me out of my thoughts. "You're smiling."

I turned to him and my excited smile turned into a fond one. His eyes were half-closed and his face was still pressed on the pillow. In fact, I was pretty sure he hadn't moved at all and looking at him made something stir in my stomach. There was nothing I loved more than waking up with him, except maybe falling asleep in his arms.

I tilted my head and let the left corner of my lips raise up before turning the screen his way. It took him a few seconds to let what he was seeing sink in and he smiled too.

"Oh look, that's us telling the world we're back together." he pointed out slowly and in a low tone, an amused smile curling his lips. "I'm sorry, I'm never that impulsive normally. But I've been waiting for that for a while." He paused and I felt his arm hold my waist tighter before he squirmed a bit and put his head on my lap. "It's okay though, because this is meant to last, so everyone may as well know now. What do ya say?"

I brought my hand to his head and ran my fingers in his hair gently, making his eyes flutter. "I agree." I whispered, making him smile more.

"We're gonna get married and have a few kids. And dogs, too. I love dogs."

This time, I chuckled and licked my lips. He had mentioned marriage a few times in the past weeks and I loved it. He used to be so scared of commitment and the future and now he was literally planning it for us.

"You know what we should do now?" he asked, making me shake my head. "Stay in bed all day. Order food, watch tv, and make out. Champagne and you. That sounds perfect."

I smiled widely. "Gotta celebrate the fact that we're official, now."

"Damn right."

After a few hours, we were done eating and the bottle of champagne was empty. We were still laying in bed but I had stopped following the movie and kept staring at the ceiling. What took me out of my thoughts, once again, was Niall's voice. I blinked a few times, trying to get back to my senses, and he raised his eyebrows at me.

"Mm?" I asked, making him laugh.

He stopped the movie quickly before grabbing the sheets of the bed, pulling them over our heads and once again locking us together in our safe place. I smiled at him and turned my body his way as he did the same. It was always a bit stifling to stay under the covers for a while but at the same time, it made me feel secure like nothing else did.

"How hard did that champagne hit?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Mm, i'm tipsy." I admitted, laughing too.

"Me too." he let out, his eyes roaming on my face. "You know I want to marry you for real, right? I want to promise to be yours forever. I want to literally show everyone that no one else will ever mean to me as much as you mean to me."

"I want it too. I want to be your wife. Niall I want it more than anything."

I felt my heart jump in my chest at my confession and we kept looking at each other for a few minutes in silence. He found my left hand and brought it up to his eyes level before running his thumb gently on my ring finger. I bit my bottom lip, trying to imagine what it would feel like to be his wife, and I swallowed hard, almost ashamed that I let my mind wonder so far.

"One day..." he just murmured before looking up in my eyes. "How many kids?"

"Five." I let out, making his eyebrows raise.

"Jesus Christ, do you want to kill me, woman?"

This time, I started laughing and he pulled me closer with a groan, letting his lips press against mine before pulling slightly away. I waited until he spoke again, my lips curling more and more with every passing seconds.

"You're not serious?" he just asked, making me laugh, this time.

"How many do you want?"

"Two, maybe three." he admitted before I kissed him again, sucking gently on his upper lip.

"Then two or three we'll have." I breathed out against his mouth as he held me closer.

"And we'll live in London, and keep a house in Cali, how's that?" he proposed in a murmur. "I'll bring you to Las Vegas to get married. We'll have the best honeymoon because I'll make you cum twenty times a day for a whole week."

I started laughing against his mouth and he smirked. "Where are we going for that?"

"Bali?" he suggested.

"Mm, don't tempt me." I joked as he laughed again, deepening the kiss and making me close my eyes. "What's on your mind, Horan?" I asked lower and more seriously.

"Well, how about we practice making those two-three kids now?" he offered, making me chuckle. "I really want to make love to my official girlfriend and future wife."

"Hey, I didn't say yes just yet." I joked as his lips traveled on my jaw and neck.

"But you will yea? You just accepted to be my official girlfriend so it's a good start. You'll be my wife and marry me?"

"If you want to spend your life with me, how can I say no to that?"

"That's what I thought." he just said, giving himself a swing and making me laugh even more as he got on top of me.

I spread my legs a bit as he nibbled on the skin of my neck and I groaned when I felt his hard dick press on my inner thighs. I was tired and still a bit tipsy but the way he whispered, the sound of his voice, the feeling of his body on top of mine... all of this was too good and I felt like I never had enough of him. Even after all this time, I wanted him as much as I used to, even more, probably, and the way he was all over me made me think he felt the same.

"I want to bury my cock so deep inside you right now." he whispered, bringing his mouth back on mine. "You're so fucking beautiful. I love you so much, Olivia. You made me so happy today."

I reached for his boxers and pulled them down as much as I could, his words making my heart twist and jump in my chest. I didn't think Niall could love me as much as he seemed to, I didn't know he could want to be with me to the point where he would literally hold my hand and show everyone that we were together in a crowded airport. I had no idea he was waiting for this, I didn't know that it would make him react like that to be my official boyfriend. All of this made sense, of course, but it was just hitting me that Niall really loved me as much as I loved him and that he didn't want to lose me again.

"Please Niall, just do it." I begged him in a murmur, reaching between my legs and pulling my panties aside before grabbing his cock and lining it up.

His hip movement was slow and as he pushed himself inside me, I felt my eyes roll back and a moan escaped my lips. I moved my knees up as he lied on top of me, holding himself on his elbows as he started thrusting in and out of me slowly. It felt like torture but at the same time it was so good I moved my chin up, feeling his lips leave kisses on it.

"I love you, can't believe you're my girlfriend again." he whispered, his lips brushing against my skin.

"I was always yours, Niall. I've always been yours. Since I was 6 years old. I knew I belonged to you." I replied just as low and without thinking. "I was just scared you didn't belong to me"

He pushed himself deeper inside me and it felt so good I let out an other whimper. He remained still, waiting for my eyes to open again and meet his, and I felt one of his hands slip in my hair while the other moved a lock out of my eyes.

"I belong to you." he confessed, making a shiver run across my back. "All this soulmate shit? I believe in it now. I have to."

I bit my bottom lip, making him glance at my mouth before looking back in my eyes.

"I love you. I fucking love you." I had barely finished my sentence that he was pressing his mouth against mine again, this time fucking me harder and faster.

My back arched after a few minutes and I moaned in his mouth this time, right before his thrusts became unsteady and a bit sloppy. The orgasm felt amazing and I gripped his arms as I felt his muscles tighten. I pressed my thighs on each sides of him, pushing myself against him in motion with him as he came. Nothing felt better than that post orgasm feeling with Niall on top of me. His lips found mine and he kissed me slowly but deeply for a while until we both got down of our highs and even a little bit after.

"I'm so happy you followed me here." he admitted with a smile as I tilted my head on the pillow.

"Me too." I licked my lips and raised my eyebrows. "Are you gonna follow me back to Cali in a few days?"

"Nothing will stop me from going with you. Nothing."

He rolled off of me and I pushed the covers to breathe fresh air, just realizing that I needed it. Niall grabbed my hand and I focused back on him as he stared at my fingers, making me try to suppress the smile stuck on my lips.

"Please come to my show tomorrow." he just let out, his fingers brushing gently against mine, exactly where a wedding ring would be. "We're officially together now, so we don't care who sees you or what they see."

My heart skipped a beat and I licked my lips nervously. It would be a good start but it stressed me to think that people would start judging us even more, now that we were official. I knew Niall was not going to start kissing me or anything in public but I still felt nervous.

"Okay." I let out low feeling myself tear up. I swallowed my tears but I could see my boyfriend getting emotional too and I sniffed. "I love you Niall. I don't ever want to be away from you anymore."

He brought one of his hands to my cheek and I felt the warmth of his skin against mine as he moved closer to lean his forehead against mine.

"I'm never leaving again. I promise on my life. I'm here to stay. What we have will never die, okay?"

I nodded quickly and bit my bottom lip as I felt a tear run down my cheek. I could swear he was tearing up too and I pressed my parted lips against his. "Okay."

May 9th, 2018

I hadn't realize how much I had missed watching Niall sing and play. He was always the kid who was singing, dancing, or playing guitar when we were younger, and it always brought a bunch of people around him. He seemed so untouchable, even for me, who was his best friend. Now, with the literal crowds and album selling, it was even more obvious, but a lot less scary. The fact that I knew he loved me definitely helped but watching him do what he's always loved but this time, as a living, was just breathtaking. He was breathtaking.

I chuckled when he winked at me subtly and I rolled my eyes with a smile until I felt a hand on my arm. I jumped slightly and turned again to look at Julia who was smiling widely at me. I thought I knew what she was going to say but instead, she pulled me close into a tight hug. It took me a few seconds to answer it but when I did, she jumped a few times, bringing me with her, and finally pulled away.

"I saw the video!" she said happily, her lips curled into a bit grin.

"The video?"

"Of you two at the airport!"

I felt my cheeks turn a soft shade of red as they burned a bit and cleared my throat, looking away. I knew there were pictures but I was not aware someone was filming. Come to think about it, it was not surprising, after all. I felt two strong arms wrap around my neck from behind and I smiled immediately, recognizing the touch and the perfume. It was crazy how he still affected my moods but I could also see that I influenced his, and that made our relationship so much better.

"Niall!" he let go of me to hug Julia and I smiled, taking a step away. "I'm so happy for you! I knew it would happen! I told you you had to keep hope!"

Niall's eyes found mine and his smile faltered as his embrace around his friend loosened.

"I sort of... confided in Julia." he admitted, licking his lips as mine parted. "I know you wanted me to keep the secret, but I didn't know what to do, and I felt like shit... I needed to talk to someone."

He looked at me with fear in his eyes, as if I was going to turn on my heels and leave, but I just tilted my head on the side while staring at him.

"Hey, I understand. She's one of your closest friends." I pointed out with a shrug before sending him a smile. "I talk to Louis about almost everything." I shrugged again. "Besides, I like her."

Julia smiled more and grabbed my arm, pulling me closer to them to hug both of us at the same time. I laughed and after a few seconds, she pulled away and smiled again.

"I'll wait for you guys backstage. We're going to celebrate right?" she asked as Niall and I glanced at each other, a bit unsure. "It's one of my last shows! We have to go grab a drink together!"

"Sure, we'll do that."

She left with a big grin and I turned to Niall who was smiling fondly at me. I frowned, my lips still curled, but I had to admit that the way he was looking at me made something twitch in my stomach.

"Thank you." he whispered, bending down to kiss the top of my head.

"For?"

"For wanting to get to know my friends. I know you get along great with all our childhood friends, and my cousins and all, but I've made great friends while doing this job, and you never really seemed to be interested in befriending them too, well, except for Harry, Louis and Liam.”

I shrugged a shoulder and looked away before looking back at him and raising my nose in a small grimace. "You used to hang out with many celebrities, especially when you were dating Heidi. I don't know, Niall, to me, it's a bit intimidating." I admitted. "I never felt like I fitted with them, or belonged with those famous faces. It's just weird to me."

"I'd love to present them to you. I promise they're great."

I stared at him and after a while, my lips curled again. "Sure, I'd love to meet them." I just gave in and by seeing the smile on his face, I knew it made him happy. "Let's start with Julia. I already know I love her."

Niall laughed and cupped my face, tilting my chin up before reaching for my mouth with his. "And I know I love you."

[lordevren]

lately ive been coming to terms with the fact that due to my sleep disorder (non-24) i will most likely never be able to live on a conventionally acceptable schedule no matter how much my mental health improves and its making me really fed up to realise it

i think for a long time ive been subconsciously hoping it would one day magically disappear or there would be some perfect cure but the reality is thats impossible. i will never be able to maintain a job or go to university or anything of that sort. maybe i can force myself for a max of 1 year before my immune system breaks down under the weight of extreme sleep deprivation but would there be a point when id be performing so badly id probably get fired or kicked out anyway?

i have been this way since i was born. i have tried everything i can think of to sleep at the "right" times and every attempt results in nothing but exhaustion. i only got through school because i was forced to go and even then i performed very poorly and had extremely low attendance due to the days when i was so tired i couldnt move. when i went on to college the hours increased and became even more impossible to maintain. i had to go to college every day when i was so tired i was shaking and hallucinating and then i was held to the same standards as all the normals in my group who got to sleep every night because their body has the privilege of a functioning circadian rhythm. i have been at a constant disadvantage my whole life that nobody understands. i am just expected to function on no sleep and if i say anything i am told "well why dont you just go to bed earlier" because people actually fucking think i would choose to be this way. they think that "i stayed up late on purpose and now im tired" and "i am entirely incapable of sleeping at the same time every night and am under constant stress and exhaustion because of this" are the same fucking thing

spoilers they are fucking not the same thing and living in this world which refuses to accommodate my disability has absolutely wrecked both my mental health and my physical health. i am struggling so badly right now just with getting up for my support 3 times a week. it is support that i need to live alone and yet i still have to cancel it fairly regularly because ive reached the point in tiredness where i just cant keep forcing myself awake. right now it is 12am and they are coming at 1pm and i woke up at 8pm feeling thankful that at least im past the point where i was waking at 4pm. this hell never ends.

[wongiemei]

Roommate!Jeno

a/n: maybe i should just turn this blog into an nct dream one

okay

letsgetit!

first of all,

story time!

your uni is fucking expensive and it’s more expensive if you live in the grounds

so you being the wise human,

you went to get an apartment near the campus

it was great and all since roommate!jaemin was paying for his stuff

you were both living respectively until he had to leave

the dumbass didnt even bother to tell you

one morning you just woke up and found his note

‘hey bitch! figured you were too much of a rock to wake up but i moved out! the family wants me to go back home and tend the restaurant’

the whole day yesterday, you were working

bc,,, yknow

broke college life

and you just walked in half asleep towards your room and fell asleep

so you didnt really see or notice

but were you freaking out bc your roommate suddenly moved out?

ofc you were freaking out

not only was your roommate gone,

how were you going to find a new one?!

jaemin expected your phone call that afternoon and he endured through all your screaming

‘babe, i’m just going to be gone for a year-or two’

‘oR tWO?!’

‘hun, my dad’s injured and his back can only let him do so much. ma’s working too much and i dont have any siblings to help. i figured i could just hold off college until my parents are ready’

ugh, jaemin is such a family boy

‘but jaems! you couldnt have at least told me that yOu wERe mOvING OuT?! and! rent is due soon! i can’t pay for that myself!’

jaemin couldve easily told you to warn yoy

but he didn’t want to tell you bc he couldnt handle you sad and didnt want to upset you

however, now jaemin really understands how shitty that move was

‘tell you what. i’ll pay for this month and make a few phone calls and i’ll get you set up with a new roommate, deal?’

knowing how much of a social butterfly he was, you agreed

ofc you trusted jaemin but part of you feared that he might pair you up with a freak

but he’s not that mean, is he?

you can definitely see renjun doing that but not jaemin

so there you are,,

sitting on your couch alone

without jaemin, your apartment felt really empty

its been a few days since he moved and you were miserable

jaemin hasn’t even texted you about that potential roommate

just as you were about to call him,,

your doorbell rang

you froze and you looked at the time

it was nearing 11 at night and you don’t remember ordering delivery

see,,

if jaemin was here,

he would answer it for you since you would be too scared to do it

but you mustered up your courage and peeped through the peep hole

the man was dressed in all black with a black mask and a black cap with his hood over it with a black hoodie and black pants

ngl, you were terrified and trembling

he rang it again and you jumped

typing out a quick text to jaemin saying ‘hey bub, if i don’t text you in an hour, that means ive been kidnapped so call the police’

you grabbed a pan from the cupboard and gulped before you opened the door

thinking he would just walk forward and grab you, you closed your eyes and raised your pan over your head and swung

a shriek from in front of you made your eyes snap open and found the guy on the floor with a fetal position

you both just froze for like a phat minute

snapping back to reality, you held the pan in front of you

‘if youre going to kidnap me, i got a pan and im not afraid to hit you with it!’

you tried to sound intimidating but your voice was shaking so much

the guy stood up and he took off his hat and the mask to reveal a blonde haired kid

okay, so you were sHOokETh

damn! this boy is fine!

he gave you a shaky smile and held out his hand

‘hi! i’m lee jeno! you must be y/n? jaemin told me you had an opening for a roommate?’

now you noticed the two duffle bags at the side

the embaressment and the shame settled in slowly and you found yourself burning up

nodding, you motioned him to come in

jeno awkwardly walked in and was amazed at how big the layout was with the low rent

‘yea, its kinda hard to believe that we only pay that much. at first i thought there was a ghost in here and that’s why its so cheap’

you tried to make small conversation but laughed weirdly at jeno’s slightly terrified face

‘no! there really is not ghost here! ive lived here for a year and there hasnt been anything so please dont understand! please be my roommate!’

you begged and jeno thought you were weird

but jaemin was right, you were weirdly adorable in a way

so that’s how you and jeno became apartment buddies!

now onto the good stuff!

so, jeno is a vv clean guy

like he’s the type to just pick up a wrapper in the street and throw it in the garbage

so naturally, he likes to keep the apartment as tidy and neat as possible

but you being a mess you are,

you usually leave a lot of things everywhere

lets just say you have a short memory

‘oh? how did that get there?’

eventually, jeno gets sick of it and he confronts you with it

ofc you understand and you actually try to be better

since jeno is literally the most perfect roommate

maybe even better than jaemin

(but don’t tell him that)

jeno is the type to re-stock the pantry with snacks and the fridge with ice cream

since youre both college students, ramen is practically always available in the house 24/7

he also makes the coffee every morning since he works early and wakes up first

even though he doesn’t like the drink and prefers milk, he still notices how you survive off of coffee

babie likes to pick you up some iced americano while he gets a frappe

you on the other hand,,

you’re very surprised

when you got to bed after showing jeno around,

you messaged jaemin

ofc he was worried af and was blowing up your phone

‘WHAT?!’

‘bitch answer the damn phone!’

‘whatthe fuck is happening?!’

‘i need to know if you’re still alive!’

‘oh fuck i shouldnt have moved out’

smiling softly at how worried he was, you responded to him

‘you hoe, it hasnt been an hour yet so chillax. i’m alive, unfortunately, and i just met my new roommate. again, thanks for the heads-up. youre so bad at those. i literally thought he was a burgular or a kidnapper. but he seems chill and emo. just my type.’

but jeno is F A R from C H I L L

oh my goodness,,

hes a crackhead

theres this sound he makes when he’s confused and you couldnt figure out if its cute or weird or if he’s doing this on purpose or thats just how he is

you and him basically communicate with memes

sometimes, at the weird hours at night, he sends you a dumbass meme

you cant help but snort 

also, you promised to take jaemin out to dinner to repay him for the great roommate

‘hes literally one of the best people youll ever meet. it just so happen he needed a place to sleep. now you owe me’

hes a science major while you were a computer major

he basically brings home weird stuff to analyze and it just hella stinks

but hes considerate enough to actually put it outside

whenever he’s focused, he talks to himself or the thing he’s analyzing

‘okay mr. fishy. your scales are really big and its bigger than average’

its so cute

oof also!

jeno doesnt have a job yet he always makes rent on time with extra money to spare

he even sometimes buys you stuff saying, ‘they reminded me of you’

for your birthday, he bought you a pearl necklace that mustve costed thousands

at first, you thought he was a chaebol or smth

which you wouldve been vv jealous of bc youre a struggling college student who works at the coffee shop

but, you were answered when you caught him walking in half-dazed and half-asleep with cuts all over his face

it was like 2 in the morning and you were pulling an all-nighter for some project and wanted to get a glass of water

but here he is, hood up, lip busted, black eye, cheek cut

you shrieked and ushered him to sit on the dining chair

thinking he got mugged or something, you start drilling him questions

‘hun, if you were beat up, we need to call the police! this is illegal!’

but jeno chuckles and brushes the stray hairs out of your face as you tend to his lip

‘pls dont. if you do, ill be broke and i wont have money to pay rent then i cant be your roommate anymore’

cue confused y/n

‘wUT?’

‘if i dont make money, youll kick me out and youll have to find another roommate. i dont want you to go through that hassle again’

ofc you were flattered that even during this situation, hes still thinking about you

‘how is this making money?!’

‘i cant believe youre oblivious to so many things. i thought for sure youve caught on.’

more confusion

‘eXCUse mE, lEE JEno? since when have you started coming home with all these things in your face?’

you were worried that this wasnt the first time this happened

but if you think hard about it, thats why he always wears his mouth masks and he always has his blonde fringe down and sometimes wears sunglasses even though its cloudy outside

‘ohmygod lee jeno are you in a gang?!’

jeno was shocked that you came to that conclusion but laughed at how adorable you were rn

with your wide eyes and mouth open

‘nah, bro. i box. its the only way i can make easy money.’

‘but,,, why did you hide this from me? if you needed money i couldve helped you’

he looked at you skeptically

‘sis, you could barely afford that muffin the other day’

lee jeno now looked different from the jeno you met the first day

What you thought to be an innocent little squish was a fighter at night

‘yah, can-um-you need to take this off’

you mumbled while tugging on his sweatshirt

he nodded and slipped it off

he explained why he came late when he first moved

‘i had a late night match and yknow,, school and all, i barely had enough time to come'

as you dab the wound, you try to make small talk to distract yourself

 ‘so,, youve been boxing this whole time?’

you asked, trying not to get distracted to the way his tight shirt clung to him, showing his defined body

there were bruises up and down his arms and his knuckles were busted

‘yea. i have been since senior high. gotta make money, yknow?’

‘but jen, you can work in coffee shops or at local bookstores. its not worth seeing you busted up like this’

your lips trembled at the thought of him being beaten up too hard to the point he gets into a coma

jenos eyes widened at your wobbling lips and he softly cupped your face

‘hey, im okay and ill be fine. you dont have to worry about me. i usually win, anyways’

his confidence made you chuckle

‘i trust you, lee jeno. just make sure to make it home to me every night.’

‘i know you do and i will. always.”

ever since then,

youve become his little caretaker

youve informed jaemin of what hes been doing and he knew but didnt want you to judge him immediately

smh, jaemin really sucks at informing people

but jeno tries to help you keep up

he even sends you texts that hes fighting that night and your little ‘fighting!’ always makes him smile

his manager and friend, chenle, noticed that hes starting to smile more

chenle likes boxing and wants to be a part of it but doesnt want to be hurt

so,, what better to be the manager of his friend

‘yah, hyung. what’s got you giggly today?’

jeno pointed to the screen and giggled at the little good luck gif you sent

his eyes turned to crescents and chenle smirked

‘wah, you like her, don’t you?’

at the mention of ‘like’, his smile dropped and he shook his head

‘no. of course not. shes just a friend.’

chenle being chenle,,

he continues to prod

‘okay. so every night, you make it your priority to make sure you’re home by 2 in the morning for your friend’

smh, chenle youre so annoying

but hes so right

ever since you caught him,

hes been making sure he gets home at the same time 

he sends you a text that hes on his way and you set your ringtone at a very high volume so you wake up and take care of him

during fights, he makes it his sole mission to make out of this alive and a winner for you

but that never crossed his mind as his feelings for you

he just thought of it as making you not worry for him

but then, he starts to think about your stupid little habits

the way you make this face whenever you dont understand

or when you still leave little post-it notes everywhere with ideas you come up with

he noticed it all and he loves them

‘hOLy ShIT!’

that night was when he realized his feelings for you and he was so dedicated on finishing it that he quickly won and he dashed home with his money

bursting through the door, you looked at him with wide and startled eyes

‘what’s wrong?’

you came running but he scooped you up to a hug

ok you were confused but relieved that he was home and alright

jeno looked at your face and wanted to confess but chickened out at the sight of you

you were so good to him and honestly, he doesnt deserve you

(his thoughts, not mine)

‘i-i’

he stuttered and you motioned him to continue

‘i won!’

he shouted and you congratulated him, even though he literally won all the time

guiding him to the chair, you began to dab his cuts

(dab that bitch)

‘im starting to think that your opponents either really suck or youre like the god of boxing’

he didnt know how to take that but blushed red at the mention of him being a ‘god of boxing’

‘nah, im just good’

you eyed him and smiled

he continued to watch you heal him and inspected your face

heavy eyebags and sunken cheeks, it mustve been a long night

he felt a pang in his chest thinking that you push your stuff away just to help him

‘you dont have to keep doing this for me, yknow’

you halt and look at him seriously

‘i know i dont. but i cant sleep at night thinking youre in pain and alone when i can be there for you’

even though he just realized it, jeno was pretty sure he fell in love with you a long time ago

but if it was possible, he fell in love with you even more

‘thank you’

his soft voice filled the silence and you vowed that you will always be there for him whenever he needs help

a few days later, jeno hasnt been to a fight

sure you were worried at what was going on in his head but partly relieved that you dont have to see him so battered anymore

but this was so un-jeno

just as you were about to talk to him about it, he announces he got a job at the bookstore down the street

‘huh? i thought you didnt want to work’

you question while he looked sheepish

‘i realized that i was starting to become a burden since you take care of me every time. so i thought i should quit and get a regular job. besides, it doesnt hurt as much’

he laughed but you didnt react

‘lee jeno, you gave up boxing and the money,,, for me?’

he nervously looked up at you and you noticed the redness of his cheeks

‘i-well-if you put it that way’

‘listen to me, im flattered and i truly love that you dont want to get beaten up anymore. but i dont want you to quit something you like because of me'

‘but you always take care of me and push your priorities away to clean me up. i dont do anything in return and i dont think its fair!’

he argued and a soft smile crept up your face

‘yah, lee jeno'

your voice became a whisper

‘it doesnt matter to me if you dont do anything in return bc i dont see this as a favor. you are mine to take care of and i will do anything for you, you understand that?’

he looked at you in shock after hearing your response

he also turned red at the mention of him being yours

‘so-but-i dont think-'

he stutters but you place your hands on his arms making him stop

‘all i ask is you to come back home, to come back to me'

by now, yall were blushing

even though it might not sound like it,

but yall just indirectly confessed to each other

yall stared at the ground and jeno looks up, biting his lip

‘hey, y/n, can i make it up to you with some coffee?’

your head darted up and looked at him with wide eyes

‘like-like a date?’

it came out suddenly and you stepped back in surprise, cursing yourself

but jeno chuckled, eyes scrunching cutely

‘it'll be one of many'

lmao i didnt really like this but i made it at 2 in the morning and i kinda like boxer!jeno

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[strongsassysexysloane]

Take me for a Ride, Jack.. 1

So here’s my attempt at a slow burn. Well slow for me. At least its slow in this chapter. 

. . . 

It didn't happen right away, no. You'd been too nervous, into your work to see anything else. There was case after case, you couldn't remember the last time you had more than 24 hours off. It was like you were back in the core again. You followed Gibbs every word and then looked to McGee for guidance when the boss wasn't clear or just grunted. He grunted a lot.

Kasie and you had become good friends from day one. Her energy and love of work made you feel comfortable and spent a few nights over the past few months at a bar sharing stories with her and her girlfriend. As she was one of the newest additions to the Agency you bonded over the littler things. Like working with Gibbs. He seemed to warm to her quicker than most people. Although people did notice a level of respect that Gibbs had for you from the beginning. You assumed it was because of your background and you were right. Anyone who served deserved the respect, no matter what department you fell under plus your work ethic wasn't half bad.

This feeling however began around your third month with the agency. You finally felt like you were part of the team, helping them instead of dragging behind them. This new case you and Jack had worked together for a few hours bouncing ideas back and forth, sorting through profiles, you had a knack for reading people. You laughed, shared stories all while working and sorting through possible suspects.

You saw pain behind her eyes when you spoke about your tour in Afghanistan but you just figured it was like anyone else who served over there, or who served in general. You see things, things that no human should have to go through but you are there to do a job, you were trained for and you just keep going. She didn't add anything or want to tell her story, so you moved onto another topic, something closer to home. Looking for a place to live. There was only so much sisterly love you and nagging you could handle when going home after a long days work.

It wasn't until Gibbs walked in to Jack's office asking why you had been gone for so long that both of you realised the time. Three hours had past like nothing, you'd only meant to come help Jack for one but got carried away with it all. You followed him out of the office with folders of suspects in hand and saw Jack wink at you with a spark in her eye when you left.

That's when you felt it, really noticed it, the fire. Your stomach did a kind of flip flop and you mentally head slapped yourself for the term but you couldnt describe it any other way. That went on for the next few weeks, she'd sass you and you'd just take it, mostly because you didn't have a come back. She was too witty and quick, like no one you'd met before. You worked a few interrogations together and it worked well, following her lead but one time you took the initiative and Jack reveled in it. She gave you big props after and told Gibbs to send you into interrogation more often.

Once that case was closed, it wasn't even 24 hours before you were throw head first into another one. This case, it wasn't the hardest one yet but a couple had been murdered, they were young, married for only a year, husband had just come back from deployment. It hit home for most of the team and the whole neighbourhood were suspects. Ellie and Nick had gone in undercover into a vacant house down the street.

That's why you were working with Jack a lot, sorting through each of the neighbours, they were all tight nit and had varying personalities. You were up in Jack's office for hours, Ducky had come in about an hour ago with refreshments but couldn't stay due to a meeting. You got an alert from McGee that Gibbs was getting restless and wanted leads. So you grabbed the suspects that you and Jack were sure something was a bit off with, they didn't have a full proof alibi and few holes in their stories. She winked at you again and your stomach dropped, every darn time. You internally shook it off and headed for the bullpen.

Once you were back in the bull pen however that feeling and thought was shoved to the side, or deep down into your gut because now it was time for work. You joined Gibbs in going to find the first suspect, McGee had pinged his location and it was a simple bring in for questioning. Everything for once went smoothly, interrogation was easy, Gibbs and Sloane were a good team and you smiled at their rapport, knowing exactly where the other was going. You'd watched them before but it was when Jack did the wink to Gibbs just as she was about to leave the room that you stepped back slightly.

"You alright?" McGee placed a supporting hand on your shoulder from your sudden movement.

"Fine." You reassured him, clearly you misjudged the wink from earlier. Silly you.

Of course, team Gibbs was good but you all weren't that good. He wasn't the murderer. So back to work you went, looking into the other suspects you and Jack had rounded up. It was all just a lot of paper trails, bank statements, work history and anything the crossed paths or shouted motive. You hated the searching, you'd much rather be in interrogation rounding on a suspect or in the field asking questions. So there wasn't anything else for Jack to do down in the Bull pen so she went back to her office looking into more profiles but also saying she had to catch up with other teams cases.

It wasn't until well into the evening that Gibbs pulled the pin and told both to go home. Ellie and Nick were undercover for another night and would just have to wait until tomorrow to catch a break.

Thankfully your sister was on night shifts at Bethesda so you had the house to yourself. You crashed on the couch and flicked on the tv for background noise. Some nights it was easier falling asleep with the sound of voices in the background. You dosed off and your brain replayed the hours in Jack's office over and over as a sick joke in your dreams.

You shot up in the early hours of the morning in a cold sweat. It was probably some nightmare from one of your missions. You couldn't remember and you really didn't want to. You walked around your apartment for a while, had a hot shower and slipped into suitable clothes for work. The sun was just starting to come up and you figured it was an okay time head into work, a few hours early wouldn't hurt.

Funnily enough you weren't the first one in the office, thankfully you thought that would be the case and picked up two coffees on the way to work. If he wasn't in you'd just end up having two, it was a win win situation in your eyes.

"Did you even go home last night?" You joked, putting one of your brews on his desk.

"For about four hours and then thought of something." Gibbs nodded his thanks for the coffee, chucking his old one in the trash.

You huffed a quiet laugh and sat down at your desk, turning it on and sipping your coffee. "Couldn't sleep after 0300."

"Nightmares?" Gibbs assumed.

You weren't really expecting a reply, or if you were going to get one you thought it would be a change to the case at hand but no. You took a moment to answer. "Probably. Didn't really try and remember what it was about though." You shrugged and saw Gibbs glance over at you. You could've sworn there was concern in his gaze but he quickly looked back at his computer.

"Spoken to anyone about them?" He was just full of surprised this morning. Maybe he was more talkative before 0600 and as the day went on he ran out of words unless he was interrogating or investigating.

"Spoke to a doc once I came back but after a few sessions I was soon told my heads clear and I can find my way into civilian life." You both shared a dry laugh at that.

"Did either of you go home last night?" Jack walked into the bullpen, full smile on her face but her eyes rolled.

Gibbs smirked, leaned back in his chair and sipped his coffee. "Yes."

Jack looked from Gibbs to you for confirmation. You nodded and then got distracted by something on your screen because suddenly you mind reminded you of the dreams you had before the nightmare you forgot. You and Jack in her office, first it was just working, sharing stories like you had but then it lead to touches, glances and you made your mind stop. Where was this coming from?

"Did you at least get five hours sleep?" Jack walked up beside your desk, resting her hip on it and looking down at you with a small smile teasing her lips.

"Don't know. Fell sleep not long after I crashed on the couch and then woke up around 0300." You shrugged at her, hoping to dissolve the subject of your sleep.

"Couch? Seriously? You two are infuriating." Jack pushes herself off your desk, cradling the cup of what you can only assume is sugar with a dash of coffee and walks over to the plasma beside Gibbs desk which has the now four suspects up next to one another with a wrap sheet beside each one.  

"What do you have against couches Jack?" Gibbs turns around in his chair so hes now facing the plasma from where he's sitting.

"Nothing, they're great for drinking coffee at, enjoying fireplace steaks and walking movies but not sleeping on night after night." She turns her head to look at Gibbs but you can't see her facial expression only the response Gibbs gives which is a small nod of his head.

"Who says I'm sleeping on it night after night?" Jack snaps around at the sound of your voice with a curiously raised eyebrow.

"So last night was a one off then?" She knew she had you trapped. The cheeky grin that spread across her lips at the change of your expression was the give away.

You smiled, shook your head and just went back to your work. You know that was a victory in her eyes and you didn't know why it all of a sudden bothered you so much. She didn't give in though, walking over to your desk again, this time standing behind your monitor and staring at you. "Gibbs you got the report Ellie sent through on Bradley Shore, angry neighbour number two." You dared a glace at Jack's overly cocky smile and wished you hadn't because your face betrayed you and cracked a smile in return.

"Thought so." She hummed and took another sip of her drink.

"Three nights. You happ-y." You tried to glare at her before getting the file from Gibbs desk but she just gave as good as she got.

"If you want to talk about anything, you know where I am." Her glare softened, she heard the slight crack in your voice. You kicked yourself for giving away such a tell but that came from irregular sleeping patterns and not more than four hours of sleep per night.

You just nod and with that Jack turns, shares one last quip with Gibbs before heading up to her office to start the day. You stretch back in your chair, now wishing you grabbed three cups of coffee instead of two.

"I'm going to get another round, you want one?" Gibbs offered, another surprise. He shook his head, probably at the shocked expression on your face. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Please." You stretch your hands above your head, your elbow cracking. "Might hit the gym for half an hour, if that's ok with you?" It didn't really come out as a question but you looked at him for approval anyhow.

"As long as you are back here by 0730, doesn't bother me." He walked out of the office without any reply needed.

You hop out of the bathroom when you see Gibbs walk into the gym, coffee in hand. "Was gonna go cold on your desk."

"Thanks, Boss." You accept the coffee from him, take a sip and place it on the bench beside you. You start wrapping your hands and notice Gibbs still watching you wrap your hands. "I prefer tape to gloves."

"Like the feeling of connection." He nods.

"Yeah." You smile, someone gets it.

"Enjoy." He turns and exits the gym, leaving you alone with your thoughts, your music and the willing punching bag. It doesn't take long for you to get into a rythem and you're pounding the bag with all you've got. The music pumping through your earphones as you duck and step around the bag. You finally slow down when the last song on your playlist starts and you know it's time to finish.

"Wow, that was interesting to watch."

You feel like you almost jumped out of your skin when you hear that comment after taking out your ear buds and turn around to see Jack leaning against the wall beside the entrance to the woman's toilets. "You right, Agent Sloane?" Your hearts still pounding, the emotions still high and your body slowly catching up.

"I am, Gibbs said I could find you here. Wanted to run something by you but you were so in the zone I didn't want to disturb you." She pushed off the wall, grabbing your towel from its spot on the bench and handing it to you as she walked closer.

"How long ago was that?" You nodded thank you for the towel and began patting yourself down, face first.

"Oh, ten minutes or so." You could've sworn you saw a flush to her cheeks for that admission but you were too worked up from the intense punch out that you didn't linger on it at all.

"What can I do for you, Jack?" You ran the towel down your arms and then chucked it over your shoulder.

"Well I have a tonne more questions now but for the case I wanted to ask about your thoughts on the couple across the street from the Doobles? You talked to them at the crime scene correct?"

"You know I did." It sounded short but you weren't trying to be, but after a workout you weren't really just ready to jump straight back into work without a calm down first. You started scraping at the end of your taped hands and untwining them.

"Right." She pulled the hand you started untaping out from your grasp and went to work on it herself.

You looked at her then, taking in the way her hair fell and caressed the side of her face, the way her brows furrowed, a small wrinkle showing when they went a certain way, the way her tongue came out every so often when the tape didn't do what she wanted. Her eyes caught yours and she smiled.

You smiled back, noticing your breathing and heart rate picking up again. Jack pulled the last of your tape free and began her concentration on the other hand. When her gaze dropped to your hands again you continued your venture of checking her out. It was when your eyes went to the end of her tight, sleek, pencil skirt and reached her toned calves that you realised she was finished with your other hand. You snapped your eyes back to hers which were already on you. Her smirk giving away that she'd caught you and you all of a sudden need to clear your throat.

"Thanks, I'll have a quick shower and meet you up in your office to go over the suspects." You nod but don't wait for her reply before moving around her, because god forbid she make it easy and move out of your way.

Jack's eyes follow your quick, embarrassed movements into the bathroom and a sly grin forms on her lips. "Who knew." She sips her cup of coffee and exits the gym.

. . . 

So I don’t do case stories, so apologies if none of that makes sense. I just needed some office back story first before the dating and motorbike rides

[allaleesha]

"Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated"

I really need to stop referencing songs.

Warning.

Contains blood & is a lengthy story.

Some of details are hazy or completely forgotten also.

It was an extremely traumatic experience.

Me:

"Get up. I need an ambulance!!!"

JV:

"I can drive you to the hospital quicker than an ambulance can get here"

I won't disclose how long it took JV to drive from our house to the nearest hospital, but yes he was correct.

Lights were left on, doors left open. Im surprised none of the neigbours noticed.

LLETZ discuss what happened a few hours prior...

I'd visited the after hours GP service after my bleeding increased. 

JV had come to work to have his teeth cleaned. I went to the toilet half hour prior to leaving work and by the time I had arrived home I had gone through the pad I was wearing.

When we arrived about 7pm at GP access, I could feel myself bleeding. I couldnt even concertrate enough to give the nurse my correct details, for some reason I tried to give her my mums mobile number instead of my own. JV had to take over and help.

The GP I saw actually happened to be a patient at work and recognised my face.

She examined me and saw that I was bleeding but I seemed to be clotting which was good.

She knew the surgeon who performed my surgery and phoned him personally to advise and discuss my case.

My surgeon thought it was some sort of infection so advised to start me on a course of antibiotics and to phone his rooms first thing in the morning to make a review appointment.

This put my mind at ease.

The GP phoned the local hospital to gain advice on the best antibiotics to give and to alert them that if my bleeding increased I had been advise to present to the emergency department.

I was given antibiotics and was told to go home, rest up and phone the surgeon tomorrow.

I felt a little bit more reassured.

I went home, anxious but knew it would all be sorted tomorrow.

Close to 12am I woke up, heart rate through the roof, sweating. 

I had only been asleep for maybe an hour but I knew something was wrong.

The only way I can describe it was like alarm bells in my body.

I went to go to the toilet but when I stood up I immediately felt something “let go”. Id started to hemorrhage.

I screamed at JV to wake up - he is the world heaviest sleeper.

For someone who is pretty neat, the first time since living where we are I had left a towel on the floor at the foot of the bed. THANK FUCK.

I placed the towel in between my legs, laid myself on the floor and kept screaming at JV I needed an ambulance.

He had by this stage chucked some clothes on and was yelling back at me to get in the car, he knew where we live the nearest ambulance station was around 10 minutes away. Reluctantly I agreed.

I called the ED as we drove out of the driveway and calmly explained what was happening and we were on our way.

I asked JV to talk to me the entire way and not to stop. I can only describe the feeling as tired but I knew I was on the brink of passing out. I told him to ask me what I saw, what my name was, how I was feeling, just anything that would keep me with it.

We arrived at the hospital and the surprise we were already there was apparent.

I dont think they really believed the panic. I was placed in a single room and awaited to be seen a Doctor. The blood just continued to pool around me. Almost 2 hours later a male Doctor came in to assess me.

JV had to step out, he isnt the best with blood or needles.

Between the surprise on the Doctors face and hearing the blood coming out of me... I was began to think I might die.

He tried to stop the bleeding as best he could with gauze and immediately called for the resident gynecologist to come down.

She was delivering a baby - emergency cesarean, so I did have to wait a little bit for her.

When she came down I was busting to wee. That’s all I could think about. 

She helped me go to the toilet in a bed pan and between the blood, clots and wee practically overflowed it. 

I know it sounds stupid with the weight of the situation but also I just wanted to get out of my clothes - they were covered in blood and I was very agitated.

By this stage I was on the borderline for a blood transfusion (I am so thankful for blood donors and had previously donated blood). The Gynecologist called for her intern gyno to come down to assist.

There were no available operating theaters so it was perform what was needed in the ER to stem the bleeding or wait for a OR which could exacerbate my condition.

Things got a little hazy here and I was in the mindset of just save my life.

I was treated with silver nitrate, stitched in several places and packed vaginally with gauze to hold pressure on my cervix/LLETZ procedure site.

She placed a catheter in also as I wouldn't be moving for about 24 hours for any reason.

I was a little uncomfortable after all of this but so thankful I was in the right place to get the care I needed.

I was admitted to the ward at about 6am.

I sent JV straight home to rest and also call the family and let them know what had happened.

They advised me it would be a minimum 24-48 hour admission.

I spent the day resting and managed to eat a little bit of food. I felt a lot of pressure not so much pain as such.

I also forgot to mention earlier I had lost 5kg in 6 days... a sign my body was in distress.

The next day the packing was removed and very minimum to nil blood was noted.

I was anxious but they were more than happy to send me home to recover fully.

A week off work and some bed rest.

Little did we know...

This was only hospital visit number 1...

[shamelessly-yours]

Lost Time

It has been a life time. I couldnt remember how to login. I wasn’t even sure if tumblr was still a thing. I just needed a place to write, a time to explain myself, to straighten my thoughts and lay it all out on the line.

I think it’s been nearly a year. It was late october if I remember rightly. I got very ill, hospitalized in fact. I woke up in the night unable to breathe. I had to wake the BF and he took me to hospital. They told us we should have called for an ambulance. My O2 stats were so low that they were suprised I was still conscious. I could have died. I spent 24 hours in hospital, then two weeks at home, exhausted, coughing blood and unable to move incase I went light headed. It was the worst I had ever felt.

I got better though. Christmas came and went, as it does. BF and I spent it together, just us two. It was nice. Sweet.

Then 2020 began. I first heard of Covid-19 from my dad. He was ill in early Feb and was joking that he had ‘China Flu’. That he’d caught it from all the chinese packages he opened. We all laughed, my dad is forever ill with some kind of man flu. He’s had it all.

Then came the depression. I was feeling low. Under so much pressure. I cried every day.  I hated work, but I lived for it. It was the only thing keeping me getting up in a morning, and yet it was the source of all my stress and anguish. I got prozac, Just two weeks works.

I never even knew how serious the world’s situation was, not until March came. I don’t watch the news. Maybe I should, but I find it depresses me. So I hadn’t even really heard of Covid-19, beyond my Dad joking the month before. Daily takings at work dropped dramatically. No one was coming out. Then lockdown happened. March 24th, I spent the day rushing around, trying to seal and freeze all the food in the cafe. We date checked everything for three weeks. We were convinced we’d be back in the three weeks. And then it lasted three months.

The first week of lockdown I loved. I could do what ever I wanted, chill out and get paid for it. But then time slowed. Everything I wanted to do, I had done. I’d cross stitched. Embroidered. Sewed clothes. Sewed a quilt. Crocheted and knitted. Made cards. Played games. Every day was the same. The depression flared up again. I couldn’t get to the doctors to get more pills. I’d lay on the floor and cry and cry and cry. BF never knew, he was working from home in the day and at night, I could smile for him. It was lonely and depressing and I felt like I was already dead.

Then work called. We were opening again and did I want to go back and oh my god, I was so damn happy. I had a reason to get up in the morning. A chance to see people. To talk to them. To leave the house and have some normalcy.

But then, things aren’t normal are they? And within three weeks of being back, I feel as shitty as ever. I’ve been smoking and drinking. BF keeps threatening to leave me. I can’t stop crying. I should be happy. No one I know has had Covid. I got three months off work, paid. I have a lovely BF, a decent place to live, money to spend.

But I’m not happy. I don’t know if I ever can be happy. I’m tired all the time. When I start crying, I can’t stop. I’m so god damn lonely. There’s just me, rattling around in this house, with BF sulking around me, guilting me, pressuring me, telling me how shitty I am, how I need to be better, do better, how I need to change or he’s gone. I try. But I’m so tired. I don’t know how to do better.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry. This was too long. I don’t even know if it helped. Maybe it did. Maybe I will try and write more again. Maybe I will try and escape into someone elses life. Be someone else for a little while. Maybe. I don’t know. Sorry.

[askthetotallynotcampcamp]

field trip to didney

Ava: as yes of course

-----------

Max: *sleeping* (him, david and jasper live in a house-)

Jasper: *vibing* M A X

Max: ugh whatttt *rolls over on his bed*

David: *humming a surprisingly happier tune than normal, how is this even possible??* Big day today!!

Max: if you take us on a nature walk one more time dad-

Jasper: It’s going to be way more fun than that!! If that’s even possible, that is-

David: mhm! as much as I love nature walks, this is probably going to be even better!!

Max: and we need....suitcases? *gets out of bed*

Jasper: We need to be out of the house by, uh, what time is it right now? 6? We need to leave by 6:30-! So hurry up and get ready!!

David: dont worry, we'll make it! it could get could outside, so bring a sweatshirt!! I'll go start the bus *goes off to find the keys to the bus and trail mix*

Max: *super tired* ugh okayyyy

-after he packs stuff-

Max: *gets on the bus with mr honeynuts*

Jasper: *lmao sits on the bus or smth* Woo this is so EXCITING

David: Okay, we just gotta pick up everyone else and well be on our way!! Is everyone buckled in?

Max: *is just chilling on the window seat* dad, this bus doesnt have any since it's like a house but I'll just say yes- WAIT THE WHOLE GOD DAMN CAMP?

Jasper: We can’t leave anyone out!

David: Exactly, what your dad said!! first we're gonna pick up Neil, of course, and we'll go from there! *starts the bus* Anyone want some trail mix?

Max: dang I havent seen any of them since summer- and no dad *eats fruit snacks*

Jasper: Don’t eat too many fruit snacks, that’s unhealthy for you

David: we're here!

Max: time to do my job, I'll knock *runs off the bus and onto Neil's porch and knocks*

Carl: *opens door* Hello?

Max: oh uh- hey Carl, is Neil ready? Hes the first to be picked up-

Carl: Ah yes, got it. Neil!

Neil: *approaches* Hello?

Max: wassup dude! Are you all ready- my dads are in the car *puts his arms around his buddy pal Neil*

Neil: Oh yeah! Let me get my stuff, hold on

Max: okay, not like I care!- *pretend angy and walks to the bus*

Neil: *grasps stuff and goes to bus time*

Max: *plops on one of the beds in the back and waits for his buddy pal*

Neil: *plops next to max*

Jasper: Hello Neil!

Neil: uh, hi

David: Goooooood morning neil! Are you ready to go on the adventure of your life!

Max: dad please-

Neil: *awkward silence oop*

Jasper: Alright let’s go get the others!!

Max: sorry about David, I guess where hes taking us is "exciting" but takes over 24 hours to get there-

Neil: Huh? Oh, I know where we’re going

Max: they told you? Ugh why cant I know

Jasper: Neil don’t spoil the surprise for Max!!!

Neil: Oh I won’t

David: max will be happy for once! Oh I'm so excited!!

Max: this is shit! I should be able to know *crosses his arms*

Jasper: Language! You’ll know when we get there!

Neil: Yeah MAX

Max: in 24 hourssssssssss *lies across thy Neil in the most dramatic way possible*

Bus: *beep beep gather children*

Nerris: *walks on the bus* awe I knew they would end up together! He fell asleep on you Neil, how cute

Preston: ah! Best Romeo and juliet ever!

Jasper: Children do not wake up Max if he is sleeping! We had to wake him up very early for this

Neil: *is mr honeynuts*

Max: *wraps his arms around thy neil bc sleep*

Nerris: aweeeeeee

Preston: oh my goodness so cute!

Neil: *mr honeyNUTS*

David: kids just leave them alone and let them have their little snuggle fest, awe so cute- anyways! *parks the car at a rest stop* anyone hungry or need to use the bathroom?

Nurf: i needs to peepee

David: ooooookay then! I'm going to go get some McDonald's so, let's go Nurf!

Max: *still sleeping bc his weird dads woke him up at 6 am*

Jasper: Get chicken tendies or I am divorcing

Neil: well, this is uh, g gay

Max: *awakenand realizes what's going on* what the hell? *sits up and is embarrassed bc hes max* that's gay, AND IM N O T GAY

David: okay honey!

Neil: Oh- hi max

Max: why didnt you move me or something?

Literally all the campers: *looking*

Neil: well your dad told me not to wake you up-

Max: *gets up and walks over to his papa* dad, what did I do to neil? Was it that embarrassing you couldn't wake me up?

Jasper: Hey, calm down kiddo- you fell asleep and you needed sleep and Neil was just- there

Nerris: it was really cute-

Max: SHUT UP NERRIS

Jasper: Language!

Neil: It really was-

Max: that's not bad language!- wait what Neil-

Neil: Oh, uh, nothing

Max: *red boy* you agreed with Nerris-

Nerris: see harrison, I'm a match maker! That's better than your magic!

David: I'm back! Here are you chicken tenders sweetie *gives them to the jasp* let's get this show on the road! *turns on the heater and starts the bus*

Neil: *not vibing*

Jasper: *is vibing with chicken tendies*

Max: *smirks* you like me, dontcha Neil

Neil: What? No, ew, never

Nikki: pft please I know love when I see it!

Max: *crosses his arms and smirks at neil*

Neil: What? Shut up!

Nikki: aweeeee

Max: jesus christ Neil you look like a god damn tomato

David: language!

Neil: Just shut up!

Max: okay no need to be so feisty

Jasper: we’re getting closer wOOO

Max: sits on the couch and takes out his Nintendo switch and plays animal crossing*

Nikki: *goes up to Neil* so, when ya gonna make your move?

Neil: Make what? I’m not going to do anything!

Nikki: awe c'mon Neil look at him! Go sit with him! Make your move!

Neil: What? Why? What’s the point?

Nikki: he probably likes you too!

Max: likes who?

Neil: Nononono! Nobody! I like nobody leave me alone! *neils away*

David: leave Neil alone guys

Max: *genuinely concerned* sorry neil-

Neil: Just go away! I wanna be alone right now *angree neil*

Max: um okay *sits on the couch again*

Jasper: *approaches max lmao* What’s happening? Is something wrong?

Max: well I guess Neil likes someone and I was annoying him and hes pissed

Jasper: Watch your language- also, did you consider that he maybe likes you and he’s being defensive because he likes you?

Max: what! He doesnt! Hes like, my best friend!

Jasper: Okay but he started getting defensive when you fell asleep on him so I’m just saying

Max: *red boy* I uh- no he didnt! *crosses his arms*

Jasper: Oh really? I saw the whole thing and it seems like I’m right homie

Max: looks over at neil then back at his papa* HOLY SHIT YOURE RIGHT

Jasper: Don’t say bad words!

Max: *whispers* dad I think I like boys too

Jasper: oh wow i wonder who you got that trait from

Max: literally both of you!

Jasper: Yeah I know dumdum

Max: yall are g a y

Jasper: Why don’t you go try to like, calm him down or something instead of talking about who in this bus is gay

Max: *knocks on Neil's curtain that covers his room cot thing??* Hey dude, can we uh- talk?

Neil: About what?

Max: about what happened dingus

Neil: Fine.

Max: *sits on his bed* I'm sorry dude. I didnt mean for you to get pissed off or anything-

Neil: It’s fine, Nikki made me frustrated I guess

Max: *kisses his cheek* that never happened!

Neil: *oraneg* *red* I- WHAT??

Max: jesus christ you're so difficult neil *kisses thy neil*

Neil: *crimson*

-when they all have to s leep-

Max: DAVID WE'RE GOING TO FKING DISNEYWORLD?!

Time: it is now 6 pm when they get there

Jasper: WE ARRIVED

Max: YAY! *grabs his stuff and gets off the bus*

The rest of the campers: *get off the bus*

-when they get to their room-

Max: *throws his stuff on to his bed*

Jasper: *bursts in* We’re all going swimming woooo *throws floaties*

Max: ugh fineeeee *changes into swim shorts and walks down to the pool* sup losers

Jasper: Max! Don’t call others losers that hurts their feelings

Harrison: *loses pants cutely*

Max: pft whatever

David: max! You dont have your floaties on!

Nerris: you suck Harrison!

Jasper: Max! You might drown!!

Harrison: *pees*

David: gosh dang Harrison how many times!

Harrison: I COULDNT HOLD IT IN

Nerris: *literally laughing way too hard* HARRISON HOW ARE YOU SO STUPID

David: *walks over to harrison and gives him a towel and whispers to him* put you pants back on-

Harrison: I don’t know where they went!!

Jasper: hooey *>:(*

David: Nerris, since Harrison is your dearest most bestest friend, help him look for his shorts-

Nerris: what the hell! Why me!! I dont want to see his small thing!

Jasper: Nerris don’t talk back to David!

Harrison: twerking is fun

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Unexpected Arrival -5

Pairing: Eventual Bucky x Reader, Possible Steve x Reader

Summary: As if working with the Avengers wasn’t exciting enough…. an unexpected visitor is about to change your life forever.

A/N- If you would like to be tagged in this just drop my ask/message and i will add you ⭐️

Switching off the TV i got out of bed and stretched feeling my body crack in various places, i quickly checked on Evie who was fast asleep in her rocker before grabbing the baby monitor and heading to the kitchen for some tea and something to eat.

"Hey" Bucky says from the sofa startling me, it was nearly 9pm and i thought he'd still be out on his date.

"Hey" i replied quietly as i continued making my tea and grabbing some food.

"Where's Evie?"

"Sleeping in my room"

"You sure she's okay by herself...."

"She's fine" i nodded looking at the baby monitor that had a huge screen showing my sleeping baby girl "take a look for yourself" i pushed it closer to him.

"Did stark make this?"

"Of course!"

It was suddenly so quiet, you could of heard a pin drop!

"So why are you still here? Thought you had a hot date?"

"I never wanted to go on that stupid date. I kept trying to tell Sam that but you know what his like"

"Right"

"I just wanted to be here, spend more time with you and Evie. But you've been locked away in your room for hours"

"Sorry, i feel asleep" i shrugged "then i watched a movie, i didn't know you were still here and i didn't want the team fussing...." i lied, i couldnt tell him that the truth was i had been sitting in my room crying over him!! I finished making my tea and poured out a cup of black coffee for Bucky knowing he would never turn down coffee.

"Here" i gave him a quick smile as i placed the steaming hot mug on the table in front of him. As i turned to go back into the kitchen Bucky reached forward taking my hand stopping me from leaving.

"Hey...."

"What?"

"Are you really okay?"

"Im fine" i nodded forcing a smile, i could already tell by the look on his face he wasnt buying it.

"Come here" he pulled me down next to him pulling me into his side so that i was curled up against his chest "you know you can talk to me"

"You sound like Steve" i mumbled rolling my eyes.

"Steve? When did you talk to Steve?"

"Earlier, he came by to check on me"

"Oh"

"He heard me crying and let himself in i didn't invite him in"

"Crying? Why were you crying?" He asked looking down at me with worried eyes.

"Im just hormonal, I'm literally crying at everything. Im a mess right now...."

"Thats understandable after what you've been through doll, it'll get better soon. Its not even been 24 hrs yet"

"Yeah i know" i nodded in agreement giving him a small smile.

"That why you got pissy about the whole date thing?" He suddenly asked making my heart start to race.

"Honestly? I don't know.... part of me was angry that you'd even consider going on that date when i had just given birth to your daughter. Then you said you felt like you need to be here, i wanted you to want to be here for her. I don't want to feel like me and Evie are ruining your life"

"What?? Y/N how could you ever think you and Evie ruin my life??" He looked down at me like i was crazy "You have given me the best thing I've ever had in my life. I know we didn't plan for this to happen but, I'm happy it did. And I'm glad that it was with you"

My head fell against his chest in an attempt to hide the fact i was crying again!!

"Doll..... are you crying?"

"Yes okay! I cant help it!" I moaned then we both started laughing at what a mess i was.

"I should get back to Evie, i don't want to leave her alone for too long" i said finally pulling myself out of Bucky's arms.

"Can i come and say goodnight? Is that okay?"

"Of course it is, you don't need permission Buck" i smiled at him before grabbing my tea and some chips and heading back to my room.

Evie was just waking up and starting to cry when we walked into my room, Bucky was straight over there lifting her into his arms.

"There's my girl" he cooed quietly, he loved her so much already it was clear from the way he looked at her, Evie instantly curled up against his neck and started falling asleep again.

"Come and sit down with her Buck, you cant stand there all night" i nodded to the empty side of the bed. He nodded before walking over and sitting next to me, as he got comfy i started a movie on Netflix and opened my chips leaving the bag between us so he could have some if he wanted.

"If i fall asleep wake me up at 3am for her feed" i said to Bucky like it was something we did all the time.

"Sure doll" he smiled down at me before his eyes focused back on the TV.

Bucky woke me up at 3am as promised for Evie's feed, I don't even remember much of it to be honest, i felt like a zombie most of the time since having her. It became a regular thing over the next couple of days, Bucky would stay in my room with us and wake me up when it was time to feed Evie then we'd wake up cuddled up with Evie sleeping in her basket at the side of the bed. I could almost fool myself into thinking we more than two friends who had a baby together.

Waking up this morning i found myself alone in bed and Evie's basket empty, Bucky would probably be out in the common room with her letting me get some more rest. As i sat up i felt the front on my top was wet and looked down to see my breasts had been leaking!

"Really....this is just fantastic!" I groaned throwing back the covers and getting up, my breasts were hurting and feeling so full i could cry! I grabbed Bucky's hoodie that was on the back of my chair and went off to find Evie.  When i got to the common room Bucky was sat alone reading on the sofa, i looked around but there was no sign of Evie.

"Buck, where's Evie??" I asked needing to know where my baby was.

"Steve and Nat have taken her for a walk outside, trying the new stroller Tony made"

"Shit..." i muttered shifting uncomfortably "okay" i nodded before quickly heading to the room next to mine that was currently being decorated for Evie's nursery. I started rummaging through the many boxes looking for what i needed, i remember seeing one here somewhere!!

"Doll, what are you doing?" Bucky asked from the doorway, i turned to see him casually leaning against the door frame watching me.

"Looking for something....."

"What? If you tell me i can help you"

"I need the breast pump.... like now!"

"Why? Are you okay...."

"This is why!" I quickly opened the hoodie showing him my wet top, Bucky's eyes went wide and he actually blushed a little.

"i cant wait for them to bring Evie back, it hurts too much! I need to do this now"

"Okay, go wait in the bedroom i'll find it"

When i heard Bucky come back a couple minutes later i had already shed my wet top and was standing in sweatpants and my lilac nursing bra Nat had gone out to buy me.

"Shit sorry! I should have knocked" Bucky mumbled turning around quickly.

"Come on Buck its not like you haven't seen me in less" i rolled my eyes at him reaching for the box in his hand.

"My god how does this thing even work!!" I yelled getting frustrated with the damn thing.

"Let me see, just try and calm down" he said taking the pump and reading the instructions.

"I have no idea.... this is talking about nipple sizes!" Bucky said looking horrified shaking his head at me.

"Having this baby has left me with no dignity at all! pass me one of those bottles..." i pointed at one of the bottles that attaches to the pump "Bruce and Tony have literally seen everything! And now this!" I said taking the bottle from Bucky and turning my back to him while i unclasped the cup of my bra.

"Ow ow ow!" I cried as i tried to put pressure around my nipple "this is ridiculous!" My head dropped as i started crying at how hopeless i felt.

"Hey come on now, you can do this" Bucky said from behind me, i hadn't even noticed he was that close until i felt his chest against my back, his hands resting on my stomach.

"Do you want me to.... i could try and...."

"Im already humiliated Buck" i shook my head at him. I rested my head back against his chest and closed my eyes trying to calm myself down. When i felt Bucky's hands slowly moving up from my stomach to cup my breasts my eyes flew open, my heart racing.

"Bucky...."

"Shhh just relax" he whispered as his hands started to massage my breasts.... god he was good with his hands! I let my eyes fall closed again as i felt myself relaxing.

"You feeling okay?" He mumbled close to my ear.

"Yeah it feels better actually" i replied opening my eyes, i looked down to see Bucky holding the bottle in his metal hand whilst his right continued putting pressure in all the right places on my breast.....The bottle already filling slowly.

"This is so embarrassing..... i feel like a cow!" I moaned, Bucky just chuckled and kissed the side of my head "Thank you" i said quietly, as embarrassed as i was right now i was so grateful that he had helped me with this.

"No problem doll".

"You know this is a good thing, i get to help feed Evie now!" Bucky called through to me while i was in the bathroom cleaning up and getting in fresh clothes.

"I'll try and work that thing out so i can express too. That way you can feed her more"

"Thanks" he beamed at me at i came back out into the bedroom "you feeling okay now?"

"Yeah I'm good" i smiled "embarrassed but I'm okay"

Bucky pulled me into his arms and held me tight, his hands gently rubbing up and down my back.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about sweetheart" he mumbled "we make a pretty good team you and me"

"Yeah we do. We always did though, thats how we got here Buck" i laughed thinking back to that mission in Alaska, we had been paired for that mission for that exact reason.

"Thats right, Steve said we were perfect for the job because we worked well together..... maybe we worked together a little too well" he said putting his arm around my shoulders "I mean, what are the chances that the one time i get you into bed i get you pregnant!"

"Must be those damn super sperm of yours!" I rolled my eyes at him.

"Must be" he chuckled "come on lets go find our girl".

Taglist:

@booktease21

@founding-fuck-bois

@whynot3027

@xpunishedx

@siren-queen03

[mintchocolateleaves]

Locked Out The Other Side (1/?)

Summary: At the end of the day, Jake isn’t brave, or an adventurer. He wants to be, but he is not. He is just a sixteen-year-old boy who wants to go home, Or, on Earth-C, Jake can't find himself settling down in the same way others do. So, he decides to head somewhere that seems more like home. His own, personal adventure.

Notes: You guys KNEW THIS WAS COMING. I mention reading HS, you all should have known. Okay so essentially, I love Jake. I wanna write a lot for him. If tumblr’s being a pain then here’s an [AO3 Link]

Jake isn’t exactly sure what he’s expecting the moment he opens his eyes, but honestly, it’s not this. He’s not expecting to wake up halfway across the tiny village they now call home, with goosebumps on his arms and eyes staring up at the stars. He’s pretty sure he should be back in his new room, the one that’s bare of any movie posters, and not in the cold of the evening.

Although really, he says that it’s cold, but frankly, it’s not that much. Not really.

Sure, goosebumps are rising up his skin, but that doesn’t mean he’s not comfortable, lying here and staring up. It’s nice knowing that he’s one of the reasons these stars exist now, except, well, not really, he didn’t really do anything and Jake knows that and-

Oh.

Maybe lying down here looking up at the stars isn’t so comfortable after all.

He pushes himself up, blinks as he rubs at his eyes and checks to see if his phone is in his pocket. In the past, he used to text mainly with his skull-top helmet, but now that seems kind of… silly. And impractical.

Nowadays it’s just him and his phone, and honestly, Jake is surprised when pushing into his pocket shows that he does, in fact, have his phone on him. For a moment it was a little nice to think maybe, in the depths of the evening, it had been just him.

Still, his phone is here, still mostly charged, and so he takes the opportunity to check Pesterchum. He wouldn’t want to be ignoring anybody, because honestly, he’s probably a bit too skilled at ignoring people and that’s not a skill he should be condoning.

Honestly, he shouldn’t be surprised that there are none.

He scrolls down and there are messages from the day before, all of them answered in quick succession because else the same tightness in his chest would return. A message from John mentioning how they’re hosting a movie night and wouldn’t it be cool if Jake joined them? A quick hello from Roxy asking if he was going to explore a little bit with her, Jane and Dirk.

Both rejected.

It’s not that Jake doesn’t want to watch any movies, but the idea of getting together in a big group kind of leaves him feeling kind of… strange. Like, he’d probably be so focused on not making a huge fool of himself that he’d end up making a fool of himself – and even then, he wouldn’t even be watching the movie.

He’d told John maybe another time. Maybe they could watch movies with just the two of them? He kind of thinks that’d be nice.

And the whole Roxy exploration idea? Gee, it’d be cool and all, he’s always loved exploring but well. Jane hates him, and Dirk was so mad at him when they broke up and honestly, most days he thinks Roxy’s only being nice to him because she’s like, pitying him and just being polite.

His phone buzzes.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 04:21 --

GG: hi jake!!!

GG: couldnt sleep either huh

GT: Not really.

GG: that sucks :(

GG: i cant really sleep either so i was just tending to the plants were growing

GG: have you been to the green house yet

GT: Not yet.

GG: its pretty cool im growing pumpkins again

GG: remember in our letters how i was always losing pumpkins

GG: i recently found out that it was roxy who was taking them shes really cool :)

GT: Yeah.

GG: hey jake are you okay you dont seem okay :(

GT: Gosh jade i didn't mean to worry you!!

GT: I'm actually feeling quite merry right now!

GT: I woke up because it's a bit chilly in here so i'm going to get nice and toasty and head back to sleep.

GT: Sorry i can't stay and talk but an adventurer needs his sleep you know!!

GT: until tomorrow jade!

-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 04:24 --

GG: ok

GG: :(

GG: im worried about you jake

GG: ill talk to you tomorrow

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 04:31 ----

 Jake slips his phone back into his pocket, pushing himself up so he can hug his knees. Now that he’s firmly not looking at the sky and the stars, he’s staring out past their village, to the trees that seem to loom over them.

He’s not sure whether they loom because they’re so large, or whether it’s because recently he’s been feeling pretty small.

Jake isn’t entirely sure, but he doesn’t really think the difference is that large anyway, so not knowing is fine. Adventurers don’t mind not knowing things, and Jake is an adventurer, even if he’s not really been doing much of that recently.

Breathing out a sigh, he blinks again.

Funny how since they’ve come to Earth-C they’ve all pretty much stayed in the same area. Sure, they adventure out sometimes – like Roxy and the others, they’d been fine with looking around the immediate vicinity – but he doesn’t think that they’ve gone any further than a few miles.

Maybe because they’ve got a home here, and there’s no point searching for anything else when they’ve already got that.

The only thing is, with the busyness of this entire place, the amount of people – human, troll or carapace – Jake doesn’t really consider this place to be home. He’s got a room, and he’s got his own space, but home isn’t…

Home isn’t this.

It is secluded, hidden away on an island that is purely his. It’s overgrown vines and mystic ruins, isolation and seclusion. It’s having the space to be on his own without ever feeling like he’s trying to hide away.

Disappearing is something Jake’s been trying to do recently. He’s not altogether good at it, but he’s not bad at it.

Really, it’s not that he wants to disappear, but rather: Jake wants what he’s wanted since their session ended, since it even began, and that’s just… to go home. Earth C is so foreign to what he’s used to, that most days he thinks that maybe everything he’s remembering is gone for good.

Actually, that isn’t a half bad idea.

If it’s impossible to feel settled here, in his bare room and isolated state, nervousness swimming through him – then why doesn’t he try to find the home he remembers? This new earth is similar in a lot of ways, so he reckons he could find at least something resembling the pacific island he’d lived on.

And if he can find it, then surely, he can… settle there.

It’s not like this place is really tying him down. He doesn’t know most of the people living here well enough to be tied to them, and those he does know? Roxy, Jane, Dirk…

Well, then they have their space from him. He wouldn’t want the lot of them to be anymore pestered by him than they already have.

It’d be an adventure.

And adventurer would definitely go for it. They’d map out the lands they explored, take note of the terrains as they search for the treasure that they’re certain is out there. They’d explore everything, they’d see places that they’d never been before and goddammit, maybe Jake hasn’t been an adventurer in a while but he-

He kind of wishes he could be one now.

He wishes he believed in himself enough to be one, to take that first step and grab everything he needs, to let everyone know that he’s going to find something great, past this village that they’re trying to raise. Jake wishes he was brave enough for that.

But he’s come to realise that honestly, he feels more like a fake, feels more like a coward than anyone brave, so he doesn’t. He doesn’t have the courage to let everyone know, to be an adventurer who gets to go on some sort of quest.

At the end of the day, Jake isn’t brave, or an adventurer. He wants to be, but he is not.

He is just a sixteen-year-old boy who wants to go home.

And that want is all he needs to decide to head out in search of it. It is not an adventure. It’s not some miraculous journey for him to find himself, or anything. It’s just Jake, and his head, and the thought that maybe things will feel a little better when he’s home.

-

It is a bright morning, the skies holding no clouds in sight, and Roxy Lalonde is ready for action.

She’s got a lot of plans in action for today, actually, because the sun is bright and although she’s late to push herself out of bed, she’s got things to do.

Most of the things are similar to yesterday. Help build a little more of the village up, help Jane with some baking, spend some time drawing with Callie. But today – today Roxy has a brand-new plan that she’s been musing over for a while.

Well, it’s more something she’d tried in a different way before, but today she’s pushing the issue. No longer will she skirt around it.

Roxy is going to find a way to bring their friendship group together again.

She’s been trying to subtly bring them altogether for a while now, and frankly, it’s been harder than she’d expected. Well – not really. The motion has been mostly a success.

Callie has integrated into the group easily enough, which has been amazing. And Jane has become much more comfortable talking with Dirk again, which is even better, because Roxy had been lowkey worried that their mutual affections would cause some bittersweet rivalry.

And Roxy herself, has managed to get over the big, awkward crush she’d tried to force onto Dirk in the past, managed to move past to a point where their conversations don’t seem as strained anymore.

There’s only one person that they’re missing and that’s Jake.

Roxy isn’t a fool, she knows when someone is dodging her attempts to bring everyone together, and Jake has been doing just that. He’s kind of a shut-in to be honest, turning down all of her promises for adventure before she even has the chance to emphasise how awesome they’re going to be.

But enough is enough.

Today is the day.

Roxy’s got her game on and she’s going to drag Jake out on an adventure with them today, whether he wants to or not. Even if he throws a tantrum and the entire day goes horribly for it, she doesn’t care.

They’re going to hang out because how else are they supposed to get over all the things they’ve said and done to each other as a group. She won’t let him remain idle while the rest of the universe moves on.

No throwing away of friendships today, no, no.

Jake lives near the end of the village, on the side nearer to the river than the forest. It’s not that far a distance from where Roxy herself lives, so she settles on walking, letting her kitten, Frigglish the second, pad along beside her for some exercise.

“Let’s go get Jake,” she says to the cat, leaning down to run her fingers through soft fur, grinning as the cat follows beside her. “This is going to be so, frickin’ sweet.”

 -- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:05 --

TG: janey

TG: adventrue today!!!

TG: *adventure

TG: be ready okay

GG: Alright, see you soon! :B

GG: Cupcakes?

TG: hells yeah <3

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:09 --

 -- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:10 --

TG: di-stri!!!

TG: ur adventurin wit/ us today right??

TG: u cant say no

TT: If I can’t say no, then isn’t the answer yes?

TG: exactly!!

TG: see u there

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:14 --

 -- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:15 --

TG: jakey-boiii

-- golgothasTerror is now an idle chum! --

TG: dammit jake

TG: were draggin you out of isolation

TG: this is a prison break

TG: we wont take no for an answer

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] stopped pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:16 --]

 “You know what Frigglish the second,” Roxy says, glancing down at her cat as it pads along beside her, coming to a stop just outside the door to Jake’s house. “I think this adventure is going to be pretty epic.”

Frigglish the second lets out a small mewl that Roxy takes as agreement. Then, he lets out a second mewl that’s a slightly different pitch. Roxy implies the meaning to be one of, knock on the door already.

Roxy does.

Knuckles rapping on the door, she offers three sharp knocks, waiting for the any signs of life behind the door. She doesn’t know much about Jake’s sleeping habits recently, but she doesn’t think he’d still be asleep at eleven in the morning. He’d always seemed like more of an early bird.

“Jake!” She knocks again, this time, several more raps echoing a jingle she remembers enjoying before they’d played Sburb. “Jakey, open the door, we’re going on an adventure!”

Jake does not open the door.

Fine, if he wants to play things that way, Roxy thinks, then she’ll just up her game. She’s not a rogue of the void for nothing.

Closing her eyes, Roxy visualises the object she wants in her mind, fingers tingling slightly as she tries to bring the object into existence. It doesn’t take too long until she feels the object plop into her hand, corporeal and weighty.

“Last chance Jake,” Roxy calls, opening her eyes again. There is no movement. “Fine, I’m coming in.”

Taking the object she’s conjured, she lifts it up to the door handle. It’s a key, brass coloured, and it fits within the hole almost as if it were the real thing. Maybe because with her powers, it pretty much is.

The door unlocks with a faint click, and Roxy pushes it open, wincing slightly at the creak. Jake’s really got to put that on his to-do list, creaks like that belong in a horror movie or something.

“Jake?”

She searches through the rooms individually, glancing around. Some areas are messier than others, but most importantly, they’re all empty. No life in sight other than Roxy and her cat.

Jake is gone.