#I NEED A BREAK FROM PERCEIVING ALL OF THIS FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH IM HAVING A CRISIS HERE
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want to join the fandom cause it seems fun seeing fanarts and you and others interacting but I don't know how...and with the whole ai thing im scared...
my advice: just do it
really! sometimes all you really need is a leap of faith, and that was exactly how I dropped into the cod fandom. When I joined the ghoap discord server I talked to one of the artist I really like and respected from my lurking time (hi @bressynonym) aaaand the rest is history
I didnt know how to draw properly, nor digitally, all I did was scribbling on OneNote (yeah!) and rambled about cod characters, it is daunting and it is scary to interact but after a while? you may just be able to find someone to brainrot together with
start small, like commenting, reblogging, talking, chatting- doesn't have to be towards artist/writers, it could be the art/fic enjoyers!
you need to put yourself out there if you want something
as to if you want to start in the fandom as a creator, here's some more tips (which are all based on my experience, I am no pro at doing this, hell Im still learning myself, and I am by no means speaking these on behalf on others!)
establish a goal: what are you making? fandom based? original creations?
as with starting new, everything may take a while for stuff to happen, you'll feel like you're speaking to the void at times (esp with original arts, but do know that your stuff do get perceive by others as time goes, I would advise to draw fandom stuff as a beginning to get that boost going if you want! or else it's going to be quite hard to get things rolling)
imo this is hardest part of any new creator, you'll have to bear with it and try not to give up (but I understand how incredibly demotivating it could get, there were times when I stopped posting about Raven entirely, but eventually I post it anyway cuz surely someone out there will like them, it just takes a lot of patiences and perseverance)
btw, engagement can also vary from time to time, you may be booming for a bit, then suddenly you dont, it is a cycle that will bound to happen
take rest regularly, and I mean a break from social media because numbers, discourse and everything can get to you, very quickly (I cannot emphasise this enough)
the numbers are not worth it over your mental health (comes with practice to really solidify this thought)
study the algorithm (pain): see what other creators are doing to get where they are, what tags are they using in their post? what features/niche do people like?(this is, if you really want to grab some form of engagement, bcuz reminder in the end you are creating art for yourself first!)
example: I think posts would get more reach if you tag it with the ship name first, followed by the characters' name (doesn't work all the time tho)
that's the thing about algorithm, it is ever-changing, and you'll have to learn to adapt with it when it does!
expanding on that, studying algorithm could be about ships (for example, ghostsoap is most popular in the fandom), or really good rendered art/flashed out fic that leaves your jaw on the floor, or ships that gets lesser attention in general which puts you, who make content about them, easier to be brought into the light (like Faralex)
bUT, it can also be personality!
(again, not saying this is meant for everyone and strictly from my own experience + what I observe) for me, I made up the lack of my art by establishing a personality: a wild panda who yaps about price and their oc and also kinda everywhere in the place (just like this post LOL), OR you're the person who named themselves after Soap's ash particle number OR you're the one who likes bottom Ghost- literally anything goes, you want to make an impression in different ways, some more funny/goofier than others but it works (be mindful and stay respectful tho, dont wanna be the asshole in the fandom now do ya?)
efforts ≠ engagement (not all the time, but most time) and this is a fact. Sometimes, you can't expect a piece you did for 10+ hours to get thousands views and likes, especially in a fandom space. You need to understand algorithm is that wonky. (very disheartening, but again, you make the art for you and the few others who genuinely likes them, and those people can go a long way) be mentally prepared for such events, and try not to beat yourself up too much for it
ultimately tho, do it, do it scared but do it anyways and again, draw the things that bring you joy, I hope these could be helpful in some ways!
#sorry this got longer the more i typed#i met bressy bcuz i love their oc stuff and we just kinda clicked after a while#and then? i met gog and tappy bcuz of our oc interest like holy shit...someone like MY OC??#it is all a process- the bad and good#but you'll never know these processes until you start making a step towards it#anyways sorry for the tag bressy LOL#gummmyspeaks#ask response#thanks for the ask <3#i should be studying HAHSKJDH
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see you in 2024 💗💗
very personal ramble about my year and experiences, etc. under the cut. kind of neg just a warning but if anyone would be willing to read it the whole way through i'd appreciate it so so much
2023 was certainly... a year for me. had many highs but a Ton of lows, went forward one step but took two steps back. i'd be lying if i said i didnt struggle and know what to do for a lot of it
i did get to meet and even become friends with people i look up to, got to learn new things i didn't know before. and one of the problems i noticed throughout this year is i spent way more time than i needed to focusing on my usefulness for others and what i can do for people rather than prioritizing myself and my mental health. i think a lot of problems i experienced in 2023 was due to me getting too caught up in how i'm perceived by others (especially on social media like tumblr). for 2024 i want to work on this and be sure to put myself first in every situation and be the best person i see myself as -- not overdo it for the sake of others. i'm going to try being more straightforward with myself and how i choose to approach people. i want to be more involved in this fandom and get to know more people who love kirby better rather than just hiding away and watching from the side like i have for many years, waiting for them to approach me first at some point. i made a lot of progress on this a lot in 2023 but i could always be better :')
regardless though, i wouldn't have been nearly as ready to get back on track if it weren't for the support you all have given me throughout this year. august and september were two of the worst months i've ever experienced; i won't get into it (if you know you know), but goddd was it harder than i can even describe. i've never had to go through something that resulted in me questioning my Entire artistic ability, my whole worth, and whether everything i've grown and learned from is just completely fake. i couldn't look at my work and all of my social medias without being completely disgusted and disappointed with myself. i'm in art student too, so you can imagine how fucking hard it was to balance and muscle through that as well lol. it was nothing but hell. if i didn't get the support i did from everyone, i can say with full confidence i wouldn't have been able to pick up my pencil phone and get back to drawing Nearly as quickly as i did. in fact, i probably would still be deeply effected by it and not have the motivation to continue posting for at least a long while. so i seriously can't thank you enough for that. all the words i was told still stick with me to this day and gave me a reason to keep pushing and learn to better understand myself
im tearing up as i write this so i'll have to cut it short LOL but i want to express how deeply it means to me that through all the conflict i've experienced throughout this year, you guys were there for me and were so generous to offer your time to support me and help me out. knowing i make at least one person smile and enjoy what i post is enough for me. hopefully 2024 will be easier on the emotional rollercoasters, i think all of us could use a long break from chaos really lol
thanks for everything and i love you
-mac
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BREAKING MY SILENCE!!!
sorry im late but i was spamming one bestie with some more analysis thoughts on the borb while half scrolling through my fyp bc i do curate my experience ya know. BUT YOU GUYS. EVERYONE TAKE SEVERAL STEPS BACK AND A DEEP BREATH.
@oneginn I get your point and your post and I respect that, and I personally apologize for the boundaries that were set off with regards to some of my reblogs! I do recognize romanticizing toxic behaviors is BAD and a point of extreme concern, especially in real life! HOWEVER, at the same time, like you said! exploring and liking the darker themes are a thing, and fundamentally, people expressing their thoughts about it is part of the process, especially when writing about it in fiction. I believe that as long we do recognize the proper warnings AND DO give warnings, it's perfectly sane for people to post whatever in our personal blogs. Not to mention that while fiction has the ability to influence reality, some times fiction IS just fiction, and saying this from a place of love: IT'S NOT ALWAYS THAT DEEP. Sometimes the girlies just want some unhinged absolute gratitious smut, some girlies want the most heart wrenching traumatizing angst, some people want the most rancid and unhealthy parts to see how worse they can go, and some girlies want the soft slice of life absolute peaceful fluff AND that's why fiction is great, it can contain ANYTHING! Of course, it is still important to keep a critical lens on everything we read, but it's also important to keep in mind that it's a space where people can explore their boundaries SAFELY.
@shortstrawberry GIRL. when you said that i couldn't help but agree for a hot moment, bc EVERYONE needs a chill pill. But at the same time the arguement that it's just fiction isn't gonna cut it, bc there are too many flavors of fiction for people NOT to react. Thus, my earlier statements: that Fiction is a safe place to explore one's thoughts, no matter how dark it gets, but at the same time we have the responsibility in learning to recognize that there are still certain critical thinking we MUST do in order to properly handle such things. Not everyone is comfortable in what we create, and thus warnings need be applied. But otherwise, it's free real estate!!!
ALSO ough what anyone writes OR creates doesn't reflect their mental health or mental state!!!!!!!!! please you guys. sometimes exploring the possibilities is just that. EXPLORING. it doesn't mean the creator is a monster or a freak for making it. all content is a piece of artistic rendition, and just because the message is unpalatable to your senses doesnt mean it's garbage, nor of need to be censored. If you don't like it, simply click block and go!!!!!
As for the rest of the reblogs in the respective posts. Y'ALL. you dont WANT to start the kinkshaming discourse. But i'm on the side of NO kink shaming. As long as it's safe, sane, and consensual, who are YOU to judge the people involved? ... Don't forget the roots of the queer community. Our lifestyle was just kink to the majority then, and still is perceived by many conservatives as such. LEARN.
#i might have lost all braincells needing to type this out while monitoring the replies but dear miranda you guys.#personal.txt#resident lover
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welp your girl got too rambly to fit in the replies again XD honestly, I just can't help it. You're always so nice, I feel like I got a penpal that I can just share my excitement with!!
NEW PROJECTS YOU SAY (✧ ∇ ✧). Duuude I legitimately could just read your grocery list and love it atp. ahh I'm so conflicted now, and I feel extremely greedy T_T. Honesly, you just made such an inviting little world, and even though it's not fantastical, it's still so alluring that even the little mentions of the other members get me wondering about what they're doing and how they connect to our trio, like the tea spilling sessions between woo and hwa must be so much fun plssss. I wonder where jongsang fit there too and if yunho is ever getting over his little dry spell. idk just little thoughts like that.
Of course I'd take the time! You take the time to write and post them after all!! for free too????? I just really admire what you do a lot, and you do it so so well bless you.
Again, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad my rambling can cheer you up icb im being perceived like that (⁄ ⁄•⁄-⁄•⁄ ⁄) and I wish you an abundance of spoons ^^
aww hehe you know i love it when you get rambly!!! your excitement is contagious! (´ ω `♡)
oh YES new projects :3 some scifi, a zombie au, more vampire stuff, an assortment of shorter smutty scenarios… there’s a lot waiting in the back! i work on the shorter ideas whenever i need a break from whiway, but i really try to keep the longfic benched until it’s done ^^;;
OHHH i rambled abt the other members somewhere, let me dig that up!
Yeosang and Wooyoung are childhood friends in this fic hehe~ Yeosang moved into Woo’s neighbourhood when they were like 6y old and when this shy quiet boy joined Wooyoung’s class, lil Woo was like “i got this, i’m gonna take care of this dude 👍” and instantly adopted Yeosang lol ♡
Jongho and San are big karaoke buddies! Jongho and Wooyoung were actually drinking buddies first, and now Wooyoung ‘complains’ they never have a quiet drink anymore, there always has to be singing too lol (he secretly loves it tho hehe)
whispers Mingi is one of the subs that San and Yunho tag-teamed ( •̀ ω •́ )✧
POOR YUNHO RIP but yes i assure you he lives a very fulfilled life despite everything ♡(>ᴗ•) (i love that you remember that asdkjadskjadjk)
asdkjadsjkdsa ahhhh thankyou pls, that is such a lovely mindset (´。• �� •。`) ♡ it’s why i always try to comment on fics too :’3
I’LL TAKE ALL THE SPOONS I CAN GET ASKJDASKJASDSK i feel a bit more stable mental health-wise atm (hence why i popped up on tumblr again lol) but oof some more spoons and a few less forks are very very welcome!!! σ(≧ε≦σ) ♡
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Feel free to ignore this if you want,but as you're someone who posts your art online and shares your experiences with games for a while (which has been a delight) do you have any advice for people who hesitate to do things (like drawing,playing games etc) bc of mental health or past experiences that can cause trouble (from little to allot) emotionally or mentally?What helps you push through negative thoughts that can be like a annoying fly when you're wanting to do something you enjoy,or for someone that may struggle with heavy association or guilt issues any advice would be really appreciated!
i perhaps dont have the best way to go about things but often i visualize tumblr and posting to be dropping my art and opinions into the void. i tend to not think about things hard or at all once i do so. i posted it and now its gone. onto other things. <- he ignores everything. if i think about my follower count too hard i think ill throw up.
it seems like you might have a lot of mental blocks one way or another, and maybe youre worried about others perceiving you one way or another and being guilty about that? if you want to try to get into posting and break thru the things that give you anxiety, perhaps you need to find the reason youre blocking yourself. maybe start an art blog completely separate from your current blog and just start tossing things out onto it. or if youre nervous about seeing your own art, integrate posting original posts (art or commentary) into your regularly scheduled reblogs. you can "hide" your art posts under reblogs of other posts. sometimes i do this where ill make texts posts or reblog things to bury posts ive made.
but im not a therapist and im not privy to any of the specific traumas youre going thru or working with. i think when i have negative thoughts i try to conceptualize it and often i organize and box it up, post a quick vent, or chew it up in my mouth and spit out some art as im trying to work though things. it might not be helpful but thats all i can think to suggest! good luck friend
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things:
four years and a few days ago, i entered treatment for dual diagnosis care to treat my mental health and drug use
for about 4 straight years before that, i’m not sure i was sober for more than an hour at a time
i was really heavily using benzos and always mixing them with an extreme amount of alcohol
frequently confused as to who i was then, how people perceived me, and how i’m still alive
i’m extremely grateful i went to treatment, because if i hadn’t had some kind of intervention, i dont think i would have survived another year like that
i still really really struggle with relapses
and in the last two years i’m not sure i’ve managed to have a clean streak longer than 3 months
but i am trying
my drug abuse ended up being the last straw for some important people in my life, who would eventually leave my life bc of it
anyway moving on to other topics
i finally saw justin this week, for the first time in three months
it’s been a pretty weird 3 month period of not really knowing where we stood bc i couldn’t keep my feelings to myself, and he needed a break from that i guess
i understand it will never again be like it was when we first started talking
and tbh that really kills me, but i’m very grateful he’s a part of my life still, in some way
the connection was immediately really strong from the start and i really credit him with helping me a lot
he was probably the first person to verbalize “i’m here for you”, and actually follow through with that sentiment
meeting him almost exactly one year after reid left my life is probably worth mentioning here but whatever
ive finally been able to start seeing my therapist again, and i meet with her monday
right now she can only schedule me every other week, which is a really hard adjustment for me to make tbh
since october of 2019 i probably have had therapy at least once a week
im really struggling with staying sane bc my job has become an incredibly stressful place for me, which didn’t used to be the case
like work has always had some level of stress, sure, but this last month or so, i have been getting physically sick from the stress, crying at my desk every day, etc
but on the other hand, i’m also having these really meaningful yet overwhelming moments of gratitude for being where i’m at
like yeah nothing is perfect or even close, but i have created a life for myself that works most of the time
im finally experiencing a level of safety and security that i have honest to god never felt before, and i did not even know that it could improve this much
growing up i didnt have any sense of safety or security at all, which i didn’t realize until very recently
in the last year or so working with nicole (my therapist), i have finally learned that the things i was subjected to as a child were not normal, and that it was traumatic
about 6 months or so ago (possibly less), i learned i have complex post traumatic stress disorder
i had pretty much known for over a decade that i was borderline, before i was officially diagnosed
but i didn’t even have an inkling of an idea that i could be experiencing CPTSD, so when my therapist gently told me i was, my world view realllyyyyy started to shatter and shift
it has been very very difficult to come to terms with tbh
anyways i really miss writing and photographing and making art so i hope to return to that soon
i’m at work rn and i should probably start doing my job before the bosses get here so ta-ta for now thanks for reading this insane post
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Just got to rant about a conversation with my mother. If you read just consider this a general trigger warning. Kind of an avalanche of brief mentions of my issues.
"You didn't get rebellious until your early 20s"
Thanks mom. It definitely wasn't the onset of bipolar disorder and finally being out of the house of Mr slamming plates and cabinets to show anger and Mrs "if your dad and I divorce I'm taking you and your brother to north carolina". Yea a mental breakdown leading to me being a college drop out is comparable to teenage rebellion. Not just me being out of a toxic home environment and mismedicated. Definitely wasn't that. Just early 20s teenage rebellion. Not semitraumatic life events and a mental health decline. I just felt like being rebellious.
Which I don't even know what she perceives was rebellious about that time. Like my mental break was not me 'acting out' against my parents. It was a combination of stress of failing certain classes and being set back a year, losing my social circle, being on the wrong medication, and a few other things all piling together. Not me deciding to finally act out from a safe distance of 2 hours away. I didn't graduate and moved back in with dad and decided not to move in with her across the country. That's not rebellion that's me realizing how close to the edge I was and needing a change of pace to get my head on straight and deciding a familiar environment would be best. It just took me several years but hey moving in the right direction now.
And while we are at it no my lack of a romantic partner isn't due to trauma from yall divorcing or some assault I never reported (thanks dad though for asking gently if the reason Im not going on dates . It's due to different trauma. Lol got a love anxiety and issues and insecurities relating to my asexuality. And where the fuck am I supposed to meet anyone? I have one friendship I have managed to maintain over the years and I live with her. I am a massive flake with a lot of baggage and that's not conducive to maintaining a new relationship.
I am renting in a new house, just got a new job that I start with on Monday, I think I'm doing ok. Going from suicidal with an eating disorder (side note: love dad saying that I looked my best at the time that I was at least a year into disorded eating, in his defense he still doesnt know I even had an eating disorder), to medicated and managing my mental health and eating better, is great. Not where I could be but a million times better.
Like wtf mom. Way to hit a touchy subject in front of your best friend and my grandmother. Unintentionally hitting a sore spot, but really shows her interpretation of me suffering an extended crisis. And her utter unawareness to how much of an impact my childhood made to my early adulthood. And how twisted she and dad made my childhood. The fact that I held it together enough for it to only show in my early 20s is damn impressive. And the fact that certain things still impact how I react to certain situations (like my roommates fighting) really emphasizes how formative even small things were.
Wasn't late onset teenage rebellion. And way to go for the throat, great aim.
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*sits at the table across from you, takes one cookie and dips it into hot tea* it al started at one of the workshops i think? my memory of this is vague, but if i remember correctly p'x said they just improvised for 15 minutes straight. I'm not an actor and for me it's impressive! next let's talk about vice versa bts. one of the most anticipated scenes in fandom (THE nomnom scene) exited everyone from the trailer. and you know what? jimmy improvised it. in the script puen should just feed talay. if it wasn't enough for you when episode aired it turned out that sea played along and improvised talay nomnoming puen's face in return! good for you? i have more! one of yours (and mine) most favourite moments from the horny puen: pillow scene? did you know that in the script puen only had to hug the pillow? the horny puen was all jimmy's creation actually. yep, live with this information. personally i adore this fact and want to pat him on his head for that. let's also talk about cheesy puen. the scene in ep 12 when puen wears talay's glasses and talay feeds him? yes that was jimmy again. isn't he so precious? mmm what else... episode 10 i think? when up and aou sleep and puen wears his llama hat and says 'should i wer it like this?)' jimmy (agaaaaain) thought it'll be nice to make a parallel to the scene from episode one and sea played along and straightened his hat. as you can see the most iconic scenes in the series are jimmy's creations and i love him for that so much. in kazz interview jim also said that he improvised really a lot but the most scenes wasn't included in the end. what else his cool mind could have thought up is anyone's guess. hope this helps :) *bites off wet cookie and sips tea*
LOVE HOW YOU'RE JUST SIPPING YOUR TEA NONCHALANTLY WHILE IM SITTING HERE GOING WHITE KNUCKLED BREAKING MY FINGERS LEAVING CLAW MARKS GRINDING MY TEETH INTO DUST ABOUT TO START BITING CHUNKS OFF THIS TABLE AS I FIGHT FOR MY LIFE TRYING TO PROCESS THE AMOUNT OF FRANKLY INSANE INFORMATIONS I'VE JUST BEEN GIVEN
i will easily accept the glasses scene in the last episode being improvised because it was a cute little one and as someone who's been wearing glasses since a very young age im acutely aware of people's weird compulsion to want to try them on BUT WHAT – AND EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE – THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THE FUCKING NOMNOM SCENE WASN’T SCRIPTED???????????????? IM RECREATING THE ISABELLE ADJANI GOING TITS OUT INSANE SCENE FROM POSSESSION IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OFFICE. IM IN HYSTERICS. DOCTOR JIMMY???????? SIR????????? SON????????? WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH?????????? THAT'S METHOD ACTING GONE TOO FAR PUEN REALLY TOOK OVER HIM FOR A HOT SECOND THERE. WHAT ELSE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY POSSESSED HIM TO EAT OFF HIS CO-STAR’S FACE NOT ONE BUT THREE!!!!!!! TIMES!!!!!!!!!! AND SEA JUST GOING ALONG WITH IT AND DOING IT RIGHT BACK???????????? OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! always knew everyone on that set was absolutely deranged guess i just wasn’t fully aware of the true extent of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THE PILLOW SCENE ALSO BEING IMPROVISED WHAT CAN YOU EVEN SAY TO THAT I FEEL LIKE IM BEING OBLITERATED BY A WAVE OF ENERGY MOVING AT SUPERSONIC SPEED THROUGH MY BRAINSTEM. the only reason im not taking the first plane to thailand to personally fight jimmy is because he’s also ???!!!?!?!?!!!?? responsible for the most universe rearranging clock stopping brain rewiring parallel i’ve ever seen in my life???????????? aka the hat scene aka THE SCENE THAT SINGLEHANDEDLY CHANGED THE TRAJECTORY OF MY LIFE THE GAME TELEVISION AND THE FUNDAMENTAL MAKE UP OF MY PERSONHOOD????????? THE SCENE THAT IRREVERSIBLY ALTERED THE BIOCHEMISTRY OF MY BRAIN??????????????
GMMTV IM IN YOUR WALLS I NEED YOU TO RELEASE EVERY SINGLE FOOTAGE YOU HAVE ABOUT THESE TWO JUST IMPROVISING SHIT
#THANK YOU FOR THE ADDITIONAL BRAIN DAMAGE ANON I REALLY COULDN’T AFFORD IT#I NEED A BREAK FROM PERCEIVING ALL OF THIS FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH IM HAVING A CRISIS HERE#[slides even more cookies towards you]#vice versa the series#jimmy jitaraphol#sea tawinan#m: ask
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What's the difference between hyper vigilance and hyperarousal? I can't relax and its like my nerves are on fire but Im not particularly vigilant, I can't tell if its just anxiety or something else but it keeps happening and I can't even sit still or relax and I don't know how to handle it and make it stop
That's a good question, nonnie. To answer it, I had to do a bit of research and ask my mental health nurse friend, and this is what I gathered about both.
Hypervigilance:
I made a post about physical and emotional signs of hypervigilance here, but, in a nutshell, when you're hypervigilant:
There is a sensation of threat or danger, even if you don't know the cause. You find yourself looking around for signs of it. There's sometimes a sense of impending doom.
You're focused on surviving.
You may get rushing thoughts, often about your safety, and that makes it hard to concentrate on anything else or physically relax.
You may have physical symptoms such as an elevated heart-rate, fast breathing, inability to eat or sleep, and shakiness, among others.
It can be a result of trauma/PTSD, anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, and other mental illnesses/disorders, like schizophrenia, dementia and personality disorders for which paranoia might be a symptom, like BPD.
Hyperarousal:
Although it can present similarly to hypervigilance, hyperarousal is merely about having an excess of energy.
There's no perception of a threat.
It can be triggered by many different things: caffeine, medication, excitement about some good news you just got, other situational factors (you just performed in front of a public, you went to an amazing concert, someone you like said they liked you back, you read some spoilers for a show you like). It can also be a symptom of some disorders and neurodivergencies, like ADHD.
That excess energy can still give you some of the physical symptoms of hypervigilance: it can make you feel tense, or like you're buzzing and can't sit still because you need to do things. You can find yourself looking around anxiously in search of something to redirect all your energy toward.
When you're hyperaroused, there's often adrenaline in your system, which can make you feel shaky, fidgety, restless, or unable to concentrate, relax, or fall asleep.
Again, this isn't linked to any perceived threats or feelings of danger or impending doom. What can happen, however, is you can become irritated or frustrated if you don't find a way to let the energy out or if someone or something is getting in the way of you letting it out.
You can have rushing thoughts, but they might be about anything, not just danger.
To get through hyperarousal, especially if it's situational, it can help to do diaphragmatic breathing and to try and use up the adrenaline (via running, jumping or flailing your arms, for example). You can also do progressive muscle relaxation (clenching all your muscles one by one and then relaxing them from head to toe). If necessary, remind yourself that you are safe and that it's okay to feel this way. It's okay to find ways to let out the excess energy.
If it's happening frequently, though, it might be important to look for a possible cause—especially if it's interfering with your life. If you've recently started taking caffeine, you could try to reduce your daily intake or take a break from it, and see if that helps. If you're on any meds, make sure to read the leaflet for secondary effects that might be related to restlessness or excess energy (or any other symptoms you may be experiencing). If any such effects are listed or if you still don't know the cause, consider talking to your doctor.
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Just putting it out there
This is kind of personal and I don’t want people to think im trying to get attention for it, because im not, i just want people to know that they need and should get help if they see themselves in any of this.
So, this is my official diagnoses, mainly because of my mom, three years, i lived with her for three years, and this is what came from it, for the most part.
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Schizoaffective Disorder (This is linked to Schizophrenia and Mood disorders so its also hereditary, I think i got this through my blood line, most of my mom’s siblings have some form of schizophrenia)
Schizoaffective disorder is a mental health disorder that is marked by a combination of schizophrenia symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, and mood disorder symptoms, such as depression or mania.
The two types of schizoaffective disorder — both of which include some symptoms of schizophrenia — are:
Bipolar type, which includes episodes of mania and sometimes major depression
Depressive type, which includes only major depressive episodes
Schizoaffective disorder may run a unique course in each affected person.
Untreated schizoaffective disorder may lead to problems functioning at work, at school and in social situations, causing loneliness and trouble holding down a job or attending school. People with schizoaffective disorder may need assistance and support with daily functioning. Treatment can help manage symptoms and improve quality of life.
Symptoms
Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).
Although the development and course of schizoaffective disorder may vary, defining features include a major mood episode (depressed or manic mood) and at least a two-week period of psychotic symptoms when a major mood episode is not present.
Signs and symptoms of schizoaffective disorder depend on the type — bipolar or depressive type — and may include, among others:
Delusions — having false, fixed beliefs, despite evidence to the contrary
Hallucinations, such as hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there
Impaired communication and speech, such as being incoherent
Bizarre or unusual behavior
Symptoms of depression, such as feeling empty, sad or worthless
Periods of manic mood, with an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep over several days, and behaviors that are out of character
Impaired occupational, academic and social functioning
Problems with managing personal care, including cleanliness and physical appearance
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Bipolar Disorder (Once again I think I just got this, for the most part, through my blood line)
Overview
Bipolar disorder, formerly called manic depression, is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression).
When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities. When your mood shifts to mania or hypomania (less extreme than mania), you may feel euphoric, full of energy or unusually irritable. These mood swings can affect sleep, energy, activity, judgment, behavior and the ability to think clearly.
Episodes of mood swings may occur rarely or multiple times a year. While most people will experience some emotional symptoms between episodes, some may not experience any.
Although bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition, you can manage your mood swings and other symptoms by following a treatment plan. In most cases, bipolar disorder is treated with medications and psychological counseling (psychotherapy).
There are several types of bipolar and related disorders. They may include mania or hypomania and depression. Symptoms can cause unpredictable changes in mood and behavior, resulting in significant distress and difficulty in life.
Bipolar I disorder. You've had at least one manic episode that may be preceded or followed by hypomanic or major depressive episodes. In some cases, mania may trigger a break from reality (psychosis).
Bipolar II disorder. You've had at least one major depressive episode and at least one hypomanic episode, but you've never had a manic episode.
Cyclothymic disorder. You've had at least two years — or one year in children and teenagers — of many periods of hypomania symptoms and periods of depressive symptoms (though less severe than major depression).
Other types. These include, for example, bipolar and related disorders induced by certain drugs or alcohol or due to a medical condition, such as Cushing's disease, multiple sclerosis or stroke.
Bipolar II disorder is not a milder form of bipolar I disorder, but a separate diagnosis. While the manic episodes of bipolar I disorder can be severe and dangerous, individuals with bipolar II disorder can be depressed for longer periods, which can cause significant impairment.
Although bipolar disorder can occur at any age, typically it's diagnosed in the teenage years or early 20s. Symptoms can vary from person to person, and symptoms may vary over time.
Mania and hypomania
Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes, but they have the same symptoms. Mania is more severe than hypomania and causes more noticeable problems at work, school and social activities, as well as relationship difficulties. Mania may also trigger a break from reality (psychosis) and require hospitalization.
Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms:
Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired
Increased activity, energy or agitation
Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)
Decreased need for sleep
Unusual talkativeness
Racing thoughts
Distractibility
Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments
Major depressive episode
A major depressive episode includes symptoms that are severe enough to cause noticeable difficulty in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships. An episode includes five or more of these symptoms:
Depressed mood, such as feeling sad, empty, hopeless or tearful (in children and teens, depressed mood can appear as irritability)
Marked loss of interest or feeling no pleasure in all — or almost all — activities
Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite (in children, failure to gain weight as expected can be a sign of depression)
Either insomnia or sleeping too much
Either restlessness or slowed behavior
Fatigue or loss of energy
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
Decreased ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
Thinking about, planning or attempting suicide
Other features of bipolar disorder
Signs and symptoms of bipolar I and bipolar II disorders may include other features, such as anxious distress, melancholy, psychosis or others.
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Anxiety Disorder (This is where we start with things I got from her as a side effect of living with her for three years)
Overview
It's normal to feel anxious from time to time, especially if your life is stressful. However, excessive, ongoing anxiety and worry that are difficult to control and interfere with day-to-day activities may be a sign of generalized anxiety disorder.
It's possible to develop generalized anxiety disorder as a child or an adult. Generalized anxiety disorder has symptoms that are similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and other types of anxiety, but they're all different conditions.
Symptoms
Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms can vary. They may include:
Persistent worrying or anxiety about a number of areas that are out of proportion to the impact of the events
Overthinking plans and solutions to all possible worst-case outcomes
Perceiving situations and events as threatening, even when they aren't
Difficulty handling uncertainty
Indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision
Inability to set aside or let go of a worry
Inability to relax, feeling restless, and feeling keyed up or on edge
Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind "goes blank"
Physical signs and symptoms may include:
Fatigue
Trouble sleeping
Muscle tension or muscle aches
Trembling, feeling twitchy
Nervousness or being easily startled
Sweating
Nausea, diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome
Irritability
There may be times when your worries don't completely consume you, but you still feel anxious even when there's no apparent reason. For example, you may feel intense worry about your safety or that of your loved ones, or you may have a general sense that something bad is about to happen.
Your anxiety, worry or physical symptoms cause you significant distress in social, work or other areas of your life. Worries can shift from one concern to another and may change with time and age.
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PTSD
Overview
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
Most people who go through traumatic events may have temporary difficulty adjusting and coping, but with time and good self-care, they usually get better. If the symptoms get worse, last for months or even years, and interfere with your day-to-day functioning, you may have PTSD.
Symptoms
Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within one month of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships. They can also interfere with your ability to go about your normal daily tasks.
PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms can vary over time or vary from person to person.
Intrusive memories
Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:
Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event
Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event
Avoidance
Symptoms of avoidance may include:
Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event
Negative changes in thinking and mood
Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:
Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
Hopelessness about the future
Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
Difficulty maintaining close relationships
Feeling detached from family and friends
Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
Feeling emotionally numb
Changes in physical and emotional reactions
Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:
Being easily startled or frightened
Always being on guard for danger
Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
Trouble sleeping
Trouble concentrating
Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
Overwhelming guilt or shame
For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:
Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of the traumatic event through play
Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event
Intensity of symptoms
PTSD symptoms can vary in intensity over time. You may have more PTSD symptoms when you're stressed in general, or when you come across reminders of what you went through. For example, you may hear a car backfire and relive combat experiences. Or you may see a report on the news about a sexual assault and feel overcome by memories of your own assault.
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Major Depression
Overview
Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.
More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychotherapy or both.
Symptoms
Although depression may occur only once during your life, people typically have multiple episodes. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include:
Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Some people may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.
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Personality Disorders
Paranoid personality disorder
Pervasive distrust and suspicion of others and their motives
Unjustified belief that others are trying to harm or deceive you
Unjustified suspicion of the loyalty or trustworthiness of others
Hesitancy to confide in others due to unreasonable fear that others will use the information against you
Perception of innocent remarks or nonthreatening situations as personal insults or attacks
Angry or hostile reaction to perceived slights or insults
Tendency to hold grudges
Unjustified, recurrent suspicion that spouse or sexual partner is unfaithful
Avoidant personality disorder
Too sensitive to criticism or rejection
Feeling inadequate, inferior or unattractive
Avoidance of work activities that require interpersonal contact
Socially inhibited, timid and isolated, avoiding new activities or meeting strangers
Extreme shyness in social situations and personal relationships
Fear of disapproval, embarrassment or ridicule
Borderline personality disorder (i share this one with my mom)
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating
Unstable or fragile self-image
Unstable and intense relationships
Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress
Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury
Intense fear of being alone or abandoned
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Frequent, intense displays of anger
Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes
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Mental Breakdown(s) (This is the long term effect of living with my mom)
A nervous or mental breakdown is a term used to describe a period of intense mental distress. During this period, you’re unable to function in your everyday life.
This term was once used to refer to a wide variety of mental illnesses, including:
depression
anxiety
acute stress disorder
Although “nervous breakdown” is no longer considered a medical term, it’s still used by many to describe:
intense symptoms of stress
an inability to cope with life’s challenges
What others see as a mental breakdown can also be an undiagnosed mental illness.
There isn’t one agreed-upon definition for what defines a nervous breakdown. It’s generally viewed as a period when physical and emotional stress become intolerable and impair one’s ability to function effectively.
What are the symptoms of a nervous breakdown?
You may experience physical, psychological, and behavioral symptoms when going through a breakdown. The signs of a nervous breakdown vary from person to person. The underlying cause can also affect what symptoms you experience.
Since the term is no longer used in the medical community, a nervous breakdown has been described using a wide variety of symptoms. These include:
depressive symptoms, such as loss of hope and thoughts of suicide or self-harm
anxiety with high blood pressure, tense muscles, clammy hands, dizziness, upset stomach, and trembling or shaking
insomnia
hallucinations
extreme mood swings or unexplained outbursts
panic attacks, which include chest pain, detachment from reality and self, extreme fear, and difficulty breathing
paranoia, such as believing someone is watching you or stalking you
flashbacks of a traumatic event, which can suggest undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
People experiencing a nervous breakdown may also withdraw from family, friends, and co-workers. Signs of such withdrawal include:
avoiding social functions and engagements
eating and sleeping poorly
maintaining poor hygiene
calling in sick to work for days or not showing up to work at all
isolating yourself in your home
Causes of a nervous breakdown
A person may report having a nervous breakdown when stress is too much for them to bear. That stress can be caused by external influences. Some of those include:
persistent work stress
recent traumatic event, such as a death in the family
serious financial issues, such as going into foreclosure
a major life change, such as a divorce
poor sleep and inability to relax
chronic medical conditions
Risk factors that can lead to a nervous breakdown
Some existing factors might increase a person’s likelihood of experiencing a nervous breakdown. These include:
personal history of anxiety disorders
family history of anxiety disorders
recent injury or illness that makes daily life difficult to manage
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NOW, this one, is one of many, for my mom:
Narcissistic personality disorder
Belief that you're special and more important than others
Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness
Failure to recognize others' needs and feelings
Exaggeration of achievements or talents
Expectation of constant praise and admiration
Arrogance
Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others
Envy of others or belief that others envy you
Try living with someone like that, if you aren’t already, for those who aren’t, it’s not a fun experience.
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Okay, so, if any of these make you think of yourself, I would recommend seeking help, if you’ve been experiencing any of the symptoms. If you’re unable to get helped for various reasons that you do not have to give away, though I’m still a work in progress myself, I’m always here to talk, so if you need help or just someone to vent to or whatever it may be, PM me, I may not get back to you right away, just as forewarning, but I WILL get back to you.
You don’t have to be alone.
#diagnoses#mental illness awareness#mental illness#borderline personality problems#borderline pd#avoidant personality disorder#avoidant pd#paranoid personality disorder#paranoid pd#major depressive disorder#PTSD#anxiety disorder#bipolar disorder#schizoaffective disorder#pm me if you want#I'm here#if you need help#mental breakdown#nervous breakdown
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an update and primer:
so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.
learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.
brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.
also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.
neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.
other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).
Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.
one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"
which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.
I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:
I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words
from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).
I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.
now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"
I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".
when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.
which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.
I'm not joining or jumping to anything.
either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.
just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.
it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?
I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".
so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.
my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.
I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".
I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.
I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).
bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.
this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.
I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.
I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.
attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.
im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but
I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".
both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.
I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.
I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.
but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.
I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.
I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.
I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.
I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.
I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.
I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.
I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.
I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.
but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.
but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.
few cross that.
that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.
and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.
and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.
in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.
I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.
I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.
but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.
I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.
I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.
I am experimental.
and the women who are judging me, are not any better.
look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.
I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.
I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.
I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.
I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.
if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.
I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.
I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.
I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.
I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.
I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.
I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.
I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.
I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.
I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.
I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.
I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.
I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.
it's a journey.
I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.
I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.
only to be misconceived.
I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.
that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.
I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.
I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.
I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.
I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.
I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.
thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.
my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.
enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".
I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.
I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.
take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.
I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.
I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.
#I've seen the MRI#magnetic resonance imaging#brainstem#scarred#brain damage#adhd#attention deficit disorder; mental health research; children#ADHD brain#living with adhd#adhd woman#women with adhd#mental illness#neurodevelopment disorder#neurological disorder#brain disorder#about me#trauma#cptsd#complex ptsd#adjustment disorder#love language#complex trauma#dissociative identity disorder#trauma and adhd#trauma warrior#writing#tldr#mental health awareness#dbt therapy#therapy
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No - C. Hood
TRIGGER WARNING - ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT, DATE RAPE, PROTECTIVE CALUM AND MENTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS MAY TRIGGER YOU IN ANY WAY.
Thank you so much for this request. Sorry it took me so long, it was a lot to take in and I tried to do it justice in the best way I could. I am so sorry if any depictions are inaccurate, or if you don’t like this! Please do not read if this may trigger you in any way. Your own mental health is important so please take care of yourself. You will always have my support. No means no, and things depicted in this fic are NEVER okay.
Also, side note, so sorry for all of those who have sent in requests and are still waiting! I just finished uni for this semester so I will catch up on all requests during my break!
Original story by sarcastically-defensive17
The lights were flashing all around them. Strobe flashes dancing across the skin of each person crowded on the dance floor.
The bass of the music was thumping through the building, shaking the floor and reverberating through Y/N’s chest.
It was the final show of the tour, which called for a celebration. As such, Ashton had declared that the four men, and their significant others attend one of the more lowkey clubs in L.A. as to not draw much attention and to be able to enjoy themselves and celebrate the long tour they had put their all into.
The night was going well. Y/N danced until her skin glistened with a thin layer of sweat, Calum stayed by her side for most of the night until he was pulled away to do shots with Michael and Crystal, leaving his girlfriend with KayKay at the bar.
She had put effort into her appearance, donning a fierce up-do and a sultry red lip. Calum could barely keep his eyes away from her all night, and she ravished the attention.
She hadn’t been with them for most of the tour, as she had her own work commitments, so she was more than ecstatic to have her love home, and to be able to catch their last show and celebrate afterwards.
She had missed the man that she spent many days waking up next to. Her bed had never felt so empty, and her and Duke visibly longed for the presence of the Maori man.
Even now, as she stood with KayKay, her eyes stayed locked on Calum. He was focused intently on the conversation he was engaged in with Ashton and Michael. Crystal said something that they all perceived as funny, and Y/N’s face split into a wide grin as she watched Cal throw his head back in a laugh.
His cheeks rounded more, allowing the apples of the muscles to stand out. His teeth were on show, an infectious display that could force many to mirror him. His eyes shrunk, lids overtaking until they looked near shut, crinkles at the corners as evidence of a lifetime of laughter and joy. His smile was her favourite thing to gaze upon.
KayKay leaned in close to distract her from her stares, near shouting, yet her words were still muffled by the thumping bass and the sound of voices all around them.
Both women had grown accustomed to the struggle of hearing over loud music, as they had both spent much time in the crowd watching their men perform.
“I’m going to head to the bathroom. Don’t get into too much trouble,” her purple haired friend winked, sending her an air kiss before strutting away.
Y/N and KayKay had been close since they met, and the former couldn’t thank her best friend enough for introducing her to Calum.
She watched her friends retreating figure before casting her eyes towards the bar and sending a smile to the bartender who placed her cocktail down. They had a tab going for the band, so her card was refused as she offered to pay.
A hand slid across her lower back and she leaned back into the feeling of the large appendage, believing it to be Calum.
“Hey pretty baby,” a voice whispered in her ear. It was an eerie tone that sent the hair on the back of her neck standing on end. Her body involuntarily jerked away from the person and met a smug grin on a pasty complexion.
The man in front of her would have been slightly attractive if she hadn’t already given her everything over to a man she believed to be twice the person that another could be. She was deeply in love with Calum, and no other could even begin to amount to the admiration she held for him.
“What’s a pretty little thing like you doing all alone?” The man transitioned his grin unto a smirk, and Y/N found herself disliking the feeling of his blue eyes on her. They traversed up and down her body, lingering on her chest.
“I’m here with my friends and my boy-“
“Can I buy you a drink?” He winked, disregarding her attempt to shut him down and the fact that she had a drink in her hand.
She sighed, placing her cup between the two of them on the bar, “No, thank you. I already have one. I’m really not interested, I’m sorry-“
He stepped closer to her, enveloping her in his scent of BO cutting through the overdone cologne. “You don’t need to play hard to get with me, baby. I can see that you’re dying for a good time.” He winked and she found herself wanting to throw her drink in his face.
She cringed, looking over to the direction of the bathrooms in hopes to see KayKay come out but she frowned at the sight of her friend with Ashton and Calum.
A sigh left her red tinted lips as she turned back to the man in front of her. She picked up her drink and downed the remainder of it before fixing him with a deep frown. “Im sorry, I’m really not interested. Please learn to take a hint.” Her cocktail glass clinked against the bar as she rushed to the bathroom.
She emptied her bladder, washed her hands and just stared at her reflection in the mirror. She always felt uneasy when sly people resisted taking a hint, and she wanted nothing more than to head to Calum and spend the rest of the night with him and their friends.
Her stomach felt like it was flipping within her abdomen and a wave of drowsiness overtook her. She hadn’t felt so dizzy in a long time and she was struck with confusion at the sudden wave. She had been in the bathroom for maybe 15 minutes, and it had come on so suddenly.
Her eyelids felt unnecessarily heavy. When she blinked, she was sure her eyes stayed closed for at least 10 seconds. She hadn’t felt like that before, and it brought anxiety to the top of her stomach. Her hands were shaky, almost numb as she lifted them to brush sweat from her, now glistening, forehead.
It was a struggle to pull the door open, but she breathed a sigh of relief as two women opened the offending blockage allowing for her escape. She needed to find Calum, something wasn’t right.
She had only downed two drinks, no where near enough to be this intoxicated, nor had she taken anything that sketchy people in the club had been offering.
Her stomach was flipping and she could feel her pulse pounding beneath her skin. The thudding was vibrating through her skull, doing nothing to quell the dizziness.
Calum was over the other side of the club, she knew that much, yet everywhere she stepped she connected with another person.
Hands had brushed across her feverish body, sending her nerves alight and the lighting was beginning to make her eyes ache.
She wandered across the dance floor, eyes searching for her brown-eyed boyfriend but to no avail.
She had grabbed many people to save herself from falling over, her heels doing nothing for her legs that felt as shaky as a baby deer’s.
A hand secured around her upper arm as she fell into another body. The familiar blue eyes stared down at her and she tightened her grip on the man.
“Luke! Where’s Calum?” She slurred, standing as best she could with her current condition. “Somethings wrong. D’know what happened.”
Luke knew that Y/N wasn’t okay. He had known the girl for a long time, and had spent much time with her, as she was the girlfriend of one of his best friends. Y/N wasn’t the type to get drunk often. He had only seen her have more than three drinks once, and even then, she maintained her composure almost perfectly.
This was out of the ordinary.
Sierra was alarmed immediately. Y/N looked physically sick, but what set her off more was the man that looped his arm around her friends waist.
“There you are, baby. I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” The main exclaimed, and Y/N gave him a tired look, unable to remove the offending arm.
“Excuse me, who are you?” Sierra gripped Y/N’s arm below Luke’s slowly tightening grip. Neither of them knew the man, and Sierra had a guess as to what his intentions were.
“I’m her boyfriend. Who do you think you are?” He glared at the two people, a smug grin on his face that sent a chill of anger down both Sierra and Luke’s spines.
“Si, go get Calum,” Luke told his girlfriend and she rushed off immediately, her small frame moving through the crowd quickly. “Look, mate, just let her go.”
“Are you deaf, asshole? She’s my girlfriend!” The man was getting angrier as the seconds passed and Y/N fell further and further out of consciousness.
“Bullshit.” Luke snapped. “What did you do to her?” His eyes were flaming with protectiveness. Y/N was part of his family and he felt every bone in his body wanting to hurt the man who had hurt her.
“I did nothing,” he grinned. “Now, if you don’t mind, my girl and I need to head home. As you can see, she’s a little under the weather.” His grin was sly, slimy. His eyes had a deeper motive hidden underneath the smirk and Luke’s stomach dropped at what he could imagine was going through the mans head.
“Like fuck you are,” a voice growled from behind the men, and the man who held Y/N turned with her body slumped against his in her now unconscious state. “Get your hands off of her before I break them.” Calum’s jaw was clenched, and he wanted nothing more than to throw his fist into the guys face but he wouldn’t do so while he had Y/N. He wouldn’t dare risk her getting hurt more so than she already had.
The man looses his grip slightly and Sierra grabbed a hold of Y/N. KayKay was on her other side, both supporting the woman as they led her outside and away from the men.
The man visibly retracted. His eyes became flitty, and his Adam’s apple jumped as he swallowed heavily. Calum easily had some height on him, and the addition of both Ashton and Michael behind him definitely did nothing to lessen the building fear.
“What did you do to her?” Calum growled once again, every fiber of him spinning with anger at the man who tried to take advantage of his girl. “What the fuck did you think you could do to her?”
The man stumbled over his words, stepping back slowly, only to hit into Luke who remained behind.
“I slipped something into her drink. Look man, I was just looking for a good time, s’all. I didn’t mean anything by it.” The man raised his hands, face paling.
“You didn’t mean anything by it? Well that just makes everything fine!” Calum snarls, laughing sarcastically with malice shaking his every syllable. He stepped closer, trapping the pervert between himself and the other guys. “If I ever catch you trying that shit with Y/N or anybody else, I will make you wish you never had the thought to do that. You think you can just roofie and rape people and excuse it? You’re fucking lucky that you didn’t get her out of the door.”
The man was shaking in fear now, his body trembling as he fought to draw his eyes away from the angry Maori in front of him.
“I have half a mind to beat the shit out of you right now, but I need to do make sure my girlfriend is okay. If I ever see your face again, you won’t know what fucking hit you, you piece of shit,” Calum snarled, his face so close to the man that he could feel the hot breath on his cheek as he was threatened.
Luke nodded at Calum over the head of the man, signaling for him to leave as the guys waited for the security guards being sent their way.
Calum was alight was rage. He wanted to cry, scream, beat the shit out of that guy and apologise to Y/N all at the same time.
How could he leave her alone? How could somebody think it was acceptable to do that to another person? The night could have ended horribly for her, and he would never be able to forgive himself if it had have.
Y/N was unconscious as the women helped Calum take her home, and she slept the entire night. Calum could barely will himself to walk away from her, let alone sleep. He slept for barely 3 hours that night.
A groan startled him as the sun rose, Y/N sitting up slowly. His shirt was polled around her legs, and she had dark circles underneath her eyes.
She was upright for barely a second before she was stumbling to the bathroom, followed by Calum who sat beside her with her hair secured in his hands.
He had made sure to get her out of her party clothes last night and into one of the many shirts she had stolen from him. His heart broke even more as he watched her empty the contents of her stomach.
The retching ceased after a few minutes and she attempted to stand, but failing on shaky legs.
“Hold on, baby,” Calum told her, grabbing a cup from the cabinet above the sink and filling it with water for her. “Here.”
“Thanks...” her hand was pressed against her forehead, memories of the night before appearing in fragments in her mind. She knew she hadn’t had much to drink, but it took her a few minutes to remember what happened the night before.
The feeling of the venomous blue eyes watching her. The tangy taste of her drink. The heaviness of his hand on her waist and the way her eyelids refused to stay open.
She felt as if she had been struck by the worst motion sickness possible, and guilt washed over her as she thought of how her actions must have ruined the previous night.
“Are you okay?” Calum moved his hand towards her slowly, waiting for any sign of disapproval before gently resting his hand on her knee.
She shook her head, trying to stop tears from falling as she thought of the man from the previous night. “I’m so sorry.” Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she didn’t raise her eyes to meet his.
If she had have, she would have seen the perplexed frown that he adopted. “What for?”
She sighed, hoping he would simply be mad at her, allowing her to forgo the explanation that she thought obvious to both of them.
“I should have been careful last night. I was stupid and because of me, I bet the night was ruined.”
“You should have been careful?” Calum gaped, watching as she softly nodded. “Babygirl you shouldn’t have to be careful.”
She rose her head, catching his eyes as he sat on the bathtub edge, staring down at her frame that was resting against the Basin cabinet. She cricked an eyebrow, confusion setting in her features.
“But I didn’t pay attention to my drink. If I hadn’t have found Luke-“
“A woman should be able to go to a damn bar and not need to worry about some sleezebag taking advantage of her, Y/N. I’ve been fighting with myself all night. I shouldn’t have left you alone, and I am so sorry that I left you to get into a position like that on your own, but you should be able to be fucking safe, on your own, in a fucking public space.” Anger was coursing through his body once again and he clenched his fists together, resting his forehead on them to try to hold back the angry tears. “A woman shouldn’t need to constantly have somebody witness her to guarantee her safety, and I want to ring that little assholes neck for thinking he could try and take advantage of you like that. I should have, but I didn’t. I should have been there for you, and with you. If you hadn’t have found Luke then I would never forgive myself.”
His shoulders began to shake softly, tears dripping down his forearms and onto the times beneath his feet.
She sat up on her knees and placed her hands on his shoulders to still his movements. Her own tears had been flowing for so long that she hadn’t realized the cool wetness on her flesh.
“Calum, baby, you have nothing to feel guilty about,” she met his brown eyes with her own orbs, his head shaking in disagreement as he sniffed. “You did absolutely nothing wrong. The only one to blame is that scum bag. I’m
going to report him today. I don’t want him to think he can try shit like that with any other person.”
“Want me to come with you?” He used his hand to brush some tears from her cheeks.
“Of course I do. I always want you with me, Cal,” she whispered to him, brushing the tears as they fell.
“I love you, and I’m so sorry that you went through that. I’m sorry I wasn’t there from the beginning.”
“It’s not your responsibility to watch over me constantly because other men think they have the right to do what they want to women whenever they want.” She smiled softly, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “You have nothing to apologise for, my love. I’m just thankful that I have somebody like you to help me through this.”
“You’ve always got me, baby.” His eyes bored into hers with intensity, and she shifted forward to press her forehead against his.
“I need to thank Luke and Sierra. Between them and you, I basically have my own team of beautiful superheroes by my side.”
Calum laughed softly, standing and pulling her to her feet beside him, encircling her in his arms and pressing a kiss to her forehead.
“I’ll always protect you, baby.”
Tag List: @mantlereid @theanswertoeverythingisl0v3 @starshonerose @another-lonely-heart
#calum hood x reader#luke hemmings#ashton irwin#5sos#calum hood#michael clifford#5 seconds of summer#me too movement#trigger warning#requested#im so sorry if this is bad
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no nuance november!
a/n: which is basically you have a bunch of opinions and dont explain any of em' and let your followers discuss them (much more suited for tiktok sjsnj). i'll be doing it since it compiles with many topics like fandom, racism, lgbtq+, politics and etc. i highly encourage people to do this simply because why not? feel free to send your own opinions n stuff, i wanna know what my followers think!!
disclaimer!! ⚠️ all of these are broad, not pin pointing certain people or situations. even though these are my opinions these were all in fun and have been collected over the years and will change as time goes on. nothing is sugar-coated so thread carefully. feel free to agree or disagree. :)
warning(s): mentions of racism, p*do micro aggression, fetishizing, toxicity, abuse, politics, labelling, mental health, cancelling, fandoms, ages.
key:
iswis = i said what i said, no explanation to that one.
whe = will happily explain.
stop sexualizing gay/m|m/yaoi relationships. it's not only demonizing to the males, it's also very fetishizing. (iswis)
most times /10 yall root for "feminine men" when you really mean white boys and fetishised asian men on social media. (whe)
bullying someone isnt educating. you either cant cope with the fact people have different opinions from you or you have a struggle with things either always never going your way or the opposite. (iswis)
straight people will never have a say in lgbtq+ issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)
white people will never have a say in poc issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)
poc will never have a say in black people issues. stop inserting yourself. (vice versa but im black and it happens more often to us lol) (iswis)
using the defense, "but black lives matter, right?" when one black person does something bad isnt facts, youre racist. (iswis)
fandom adults need to stop gatekeeping the target audience (demographics) to animes/shows. (iswis)
poc people can be racist. (whe)
even if a certain site was adult doesnt mean that every adult wants to see your porn. either keep it to yourself or tag properly. (iswis)
saying shit like, "im more xyz than you and im not even xyz" is not only disrespectful but disgusting. just because you believe in a popular opinion of a group does NOT suddenly make you a person in it, get over yourself. (iswis)
dont hate on people for the same things you have done at a young age. (ex: writing fanfic, seggs, etc) (iswis)
blaming a minor/someone mentally unstable for being abused is not only victim blaming, but it enables the notion that people who go those things that they wanted it. (iswis)
going off of that last point, if you do victim blame for situations and been in them yourself you either still havent coped with what you went through and still think it was your fault when it wasnt. (whe)
it's stupid people hate minors for being undeveloped when adults are the reason as to why people get traumas, abused and quite literally are destroying the world right now. (iswis)
gen z is white as fuck. (iswis)
early 2000s kids are equivalent to 90s kids who use to post, "only 90s kids under this" and post something that 2000-5 experienced. (iswis)
dear 2005+ kids, abusing harmful substances and having sex doesnt make you grown. stop it. (iswis)
adults, being able to post porn doesnt make you grown or mature, stop believing that it does. (iswis)
just because it's a coping mechanism doesnt mean it's healthy. (iswis)
avoiding conflict doesnt mean youre mature. if there is an active problem and you know ignoring it will only benefit you and not the actual problem at hand that is selfish. (iswis)
black women generate clout for everyone. when we're hated the person gets patted on the back, someone appreciates black girls they are praised, and people of many groups repeatedly steal from our culture. (iswis)
YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING BLACK AND AFRICAN AMERICAN. (whe)
if youre black you do not have to be democrat OR republican, there are many other parties. (whe)
i do not trust either parties, no minority should. (whe)
this 2020 election was not a win for poc people no matter who won. (iswis)
we do not decide whether or not what to do on columbus day. it is up to the natives themselves. (whe)
pointing out other countries (current) faults is not racist. although the issue can be misconstrued, if proper research is done it safe to say it's an educated observation or opinion. (whe)
privilege heavily varies; ex, americans are seen as privileged, while the people who live in it experience a disadvantage because of the societal standards. within the country itself. (whe)
americans, stop saying that america is the worst country and there are other countries who are suffering much worse than we are. yes sometimes it sucks but do not label it as the worst. (iswis + whe)
white people are privileged and will always be until we break the racist issues deep rooted in EVERY community. (iswis)
9/10 when marginalized groups like (women, lgbt) are mostly focused on white people and never address the poc counter parts. using the excuse "well idk much about that" is not good enough and just promotes pseudo-white supremecy. (iswis + whe)
do not use aave. (iswis)
aave is not gen z language, stop calling it that. (iswis)
gay men (white especially) use black women and get praised for the things we do that are called ghetto. (iswis)
yes it is offensive if you touch a black persons hair with or without permission. we are not your pets nor zoo animals. (iswis)
and yes it is offensive if you see a black women with beautiful hair and assume it's fake or ask, "is it yours?" "is it real?" (iswis)
using jailbait as an excuse to lewd minors is just as disgusting. (iswis)
beauty standards for women is rooted from pedophilia. (iswis)
using other pedophilic relationships as an excuse to ship yours is disturbing and you shouldnt be near children at any capacity. (iswis)
everything doesnt need a label. (iswis)
the fact that gangs have been criminalized while mafias havent is racist and feeds the stereotypes that poc are criminals. (iswis)
people are more forgiving to white predators than to poc (neither are good but people let white off the hook more often). (iswis)
if youre okay with your friends being racists, creeps, abusers you are just as bad. (iswis)
although you can like what you like, making dark content shouldnt be as glorified as much as it is. (iswis)
some kinks do deserve to be kink shamed. (iswis)
adults need to be more held accountable when held in situations with minors. (iswis + whe)
everyone perceives the world differently, many people will see the same things you see differently. (iswis)
calling people crazy for questioning the things around them doesnt make them crazy, youre just asleep. (iswis)
the human body can function without a soul. (iswis)
stop disrespecting christianity. you wouldnt do the same with hinduism, islam and etc. (iswis)
the bible was altered by white men and the true meanings have been misconstrued. (iswis + whe)
bullying someone who you THINK is problematic is not excuse to be hateful. youre just scum and feel the need to justify your actions. (iswis)
not everyone has to like you and dont need a reason. (iswis)
just because you dont like someone doesnt mean you have to make a show of it. be mature and move along. (iswis)
yes callouts/cancelling has its place but it's never done right. (iswis)
"cancel culture" wasnt a thing till white people joined in. (iswis)
dont cancel someone for stuff they did years ago. bringing it up is important but not allowing them to understand, reflect, and apologize is not only bullying it defeats the purpose of bringing awareness. (iswis)
big writers need to stop complaining when one fic or a few dont do good. not only does it rub in small writers faces, it shows that if you need people's validation to write you probably shouldnt be writing. some works will be popular and some will flop, get over it. (iswis)
stop witch hunting & crucifying people for shit you have done or your friends have done and going "uwu sorry" when you get caught. (iswis)
90% people believe content creators with bigger audiences. (iswis)
people spontaneously posting, "uwu take care of your mental health" doesnt mean that they actually care. (iswis)
people are always quick to judge people with real mental health such as depression, anxiety, adhd, and etc are always the one to turn and pretend to be exactly what they just mocked. (iswis)
dont have kids if youre not going to take care of them. (iswis)
stop baiting baby otakus (people freshly getting into anime) into watching cp like yarichin bitch club or boku no pico. they are minors, it's not funny, stop it. (iswis)
stop being protective & toxic over anime characters. if they were real they probably wouldnt even like you. (iswis)
just because someone is your friend doesnt mean that they arent toxic or abusive. (iswis)
start believing when people show their true traits. (iswis)
trauma happens in different forms, stop saying something didnt happen because it didnt go the way that has commonly happened or the way it occurred to you. (iswis)
stop saying minors should "know" while also being the loudest to say that our brains arent even developed till 25. (iswis)
the adult age should be raised to 20 years old. (iswis + whe)
tos should be raised to 16 years old. (iswis + whe)
minors take "18+" & "minors dni" out of your bio. (iswis)
yelling at minors for finding the content you freely put out without any care is your fault not theirs. (iswis)
there are plenty of adult sites that are more confined for adults but you guys ignore them because youd rather get popular on writing erotica on a popular social media platform. (iswis)
trying to cancel someone over one mistake and or blowing said things out of proportion is toxic and stupid. (iswis)
if you take someone saying they need to distance themselves for mental health reasons personally and make them feel bad for it youre an actual shitty person. (iswis)
if someone disrespects you, you have the right to say whatever you want in response. (iswis + whe)
stop hypersexualizing everything (adults especially). (iswis)
the excuses of, "they look grown" "i mentally think xyz" "theyre fake" is creepy and weird and yall should come up with a better excuse. (iswis)
yes i do believe minors should be writing for minors only, but i will not give a shit if an adult does if said characters are aged up in every work sfw or not. (iswis)
stop saying teens cant go through traumatic things and cant experience mental illnesses. it just shows that you werent cared for as a child and never get the therapy for it. (iswis)
gen z has a very colonized idea of activism. (iswis)
feminism was never for all women until the rest of us forced ourselves in. and even now it's still an issue whether or not people realize it or not. (iswis)
poc solidarity doesnt exist as much as we try to make it happen. (iswis)
colorism is an issue, and no you will not tell me otherwise. (iswis)
the hot cheeto girl is offensive and demeans black & hispanic culture. (iswis)
stop bashing minors for breathing, just say youre mad youre not young anymore and move on. (iswis)
black men are the white people of black people. (iswis)
there is no reason as to why you anyone would refer to black people as "blacks". nor should you (non-black people) be arguing whether or not to say nigga even with the hard r. (iswis)
if you (pertains to white people) think white privilege doesnt exist but go on to make fun of or ignore minority problems you are the living and breathing example of what we are talking about. (iswis)
loli/shotas are fucking disgusting and people who like it deserve to be tortured for eternity. (iswis)
seriously, stop using theyre "fake" as an excuse. (iswis)
if youre comfortable with being hateful to someone but still consider yourself a nice person because you do the hate minimum to be a decent human, youre either a narcissist or have a god complex. (iswis)
coons have no say in black issues. (iswis)
people need to stop blaming the "home wrecker" for ruining the relationship when it was the s/o's fault as well. there is no home to enter without an owner. (iswis)
stop saying any asian man yo see reminds you of a haikyuu character and or any anime character. it's racist. (iswis)
stop saying any asian person looks like a kpop idol, it's racist. (iswis)
stop downplaying and invalidating when black women go through traumatic things. not only does it promote that we have to be strong and save everyone else's problems, it says that we dont have emotions and cant be a victim which is disgusting. (iswis)
if you say shit like "minors curate your own experience" then go and turn around to say you REFUSE TO TAG YOUR SHIT YOU ARE LITERALLY MAKING THE PROCESS OF CENSORING HARD! (iswis)
white women are just as much of a problem as white men. only difference is sex keeping them apart. (iswis)
stop saying kpop is racist. expecting artists from a different political progression to understand that things can be offensive is bland. (iswis)
people accept boy groups fuck-ups more than they accept girl groups. and most times out of ten, the males are worse. (iswis)
if you engage in nsfw conversation with a minor, it is your fault they responded. (iswis)
anyone can be abused. (iswis)
stop coddling adults and bullying minors. (iswis)
most of you females have internalized misogyny and dont even know it. (iswis)
you can callout issues without having to drag a group of people. same with uplifting. (iswis)
if youre fine with being a sheep unfollow me. (iswis)
seven deadly sins is not a good anime. (iswis)
there is a difference between boku no hero academia fans based on if they call it "bnha" or "mha". (iswis)
ships literally are not serious stop harassing people over ships. (iswis)
do not harass creators of series because they do something with THEIR story. make your own. (iswis)
stop saying horikoshi sexualizes his women too much/mineta is the worst when you guys enjoy shows like one piece, hunter x hunter, naruto and etc. (iswis)
minors often or not are sheeps (heres your sign you dont have to agree with everything other people say). (iswis)
just because minors can be mature doesnt mean that they are adults. stop treating them as such. (iswis)
we should give more voice actors in the asmr (idk what to call it) community more recognition instead of just one. (iswis)
writers are the ones that send hate to other writers. anon hate is so corny and if you do it that goes to show that you are truly a toxic person wearing a fake mask of kindness when youre not on anonymous. (iswis)
stop being mean to smaller writers because they did not have as much luck as you. (iswis)
stop blaming your readers because one story flopped. (iswis)
ignoring someone's shitty actions encourages them to do it more. (iswis)
going to school and getting a job is much harder now than it was before. (iswis)
being an adult doesnt automatically make you mature. just because youre older doesnt mean youre better or you opinion is more valuable. it just shows that you werent heard when you were younger. (iswis)
there should be no reason as to why someone of the age of 18 should be having any romantic relationship with someone who is a minor. (iswis)
hawks is a shitty character. (iswis)
bakudeku isnt toxic. (iswis)
just because bakugo is in a ship, doesnt mean it's toxic. (iswis)
stop shipping male characters together simply because they have screen time together. it's creepy. (iswis)
almost all of 1-a students have ptsd and anything close to the after effects of being traumatized. (iswis)
no, editing characters to be poc is not racist. youre just mad they arent "white" when they never were. theyre asian and come in many colors as well. (iswis)
wanting to only be with a different race to get a mixed baby is fucking disgusting. (iswis)
stop ignoring pedo relationships between older women and younger boys and or with older women in general. (iswis)
males can be abused, stop telling them to suck it up or that they cant go through things. (iswis)
shaming young females about things they cant control is misogynistic and is damaging to their identity and shouldnt be excused. (iswis + whe)
not all females have to shave. (iswis)
what you dont like in someone is the projections you see of yourself on other people that you dont like about yourself. (whe)
popular bl stories extremely misrepresent gay relationships and frankly it's disgusting that theyre boosted as much as they are. (iswis)
jjba isnt ugly, you just watch animes to sexualize the characters. (iswis)
it's shitty that anime and kpop only became cool once white people stated to like it and made it mainstream. go gatekeep family guy or something. (iswis)
if you have been anime fan for a long time you were with bullied/teased for just generally liking it or you were a weirdo who recreated shit from it. (iswis)
weaboo and weeb were bad terms till we made them positive?? literally otaku is the word for it but we use weeb instead lol. (whe)
normalize and promote educating someone without going straight to bullying them. (whe)
haikyuu isnt really a good manga/anime nor is the art style the best but the characters make up for it. (iswis)
stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to manipulate your narrative. (iswis)
toxic positivity is manipulative and if you have to make it back handed you are not as nice as you like to make it seem. (iswis)
studying a major doesnt mean youre actually good in the subject. (iswis)
normalize people realizing their past mistakes and growing from it. (iswis)
do not self diagnos unless you actually feel like you may have that issue and would like to seek help. mental health is not a personality trait. (iswis)
stop projecting onto people. (iswis)
stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to fit your narrative. (iswis)
stealing any type of work should not be tolerated. (iswis)
constantly trying to trigger someone to go back to their old ways (being toxic, abusive, addiction, suicidal etc) after changing is toxic and manipulative. (iswis)
if you make jokes about hurting kids and or feel the need speak badly about them i do not want to speak to you. (iswis)
the human brain wasnt developed to understand complex ideas such as death or the universe. (iswis)
we will never truly know what is beyond our skies. (iswis)
thats all, thanks for sifting!
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real talk maybe too real but my own personal interpretation is that Zenigata’s oblivious to the fact he’s gay partly becus of pretty bad self-esteem issues and body image issues in particular that he apparently has in canon so he doesn’t really see himself as desirable to anyone, ever. the way i see it his self-esteem in general has just been steadily getting worse and worse after he devoted his life to Lupin becus of course it would, he experiences crushing failure and humiliation almost on a daily basis
beyond that it also stems from the whole thing where before meeting Lupin the sole driving force in his life was just doing What Was Expected of him, he’s highly educated and he became a cop because of his family name and when ur a guy you just Like Women and thats that. he got married and had a kid because that’s what you do (and his job basically demanded it anyways) but in the end his marriage failed and he never actually felt sexually attracted to his wife in the slightest, or really any woman ever so now he just accepts that hes a weird sexless creature who’s generally just not attracted to people. whenever he’s shown interest in women it’s always because they initiate and he both short circuits becus he thinks hes unfuckable and also because that is just what you’re supposed to do, of course he should act like he’s interested in return. also he is extremely touch and attention starved as i think he’s someone to whom physical closeness is very important, like it really affects his mental health even further and he doesn’t really have anyone else somewhat permanent in his life but the Lupin gang, and he can’t get that closeness from them (at least not with the canon status quo in effect, this isn’t about anyone else’s headcanons about happy poly families or w/e)
if he got over some of these issues and actually managed to take a look at his life i think his struggle with his sexuality - as opposed to your garden variety internalized homophobia i guess - would stem specifically from the fact that he’s in love with Lupin in particular and what that actually means in retrospect, like all the wild and sometimes highly illegal shit he’s done just for him, all the corruption he’s ignored just because it doesn’t directly concern him and what he considers to be his sole purpose in life... like however you might interpret his personal scale of justice, i think at his core Zenigata is a good, empathetic person and the fact that he’s spent so much of his life causing so much damage and hurt to other people not because of any higher cause or common good - whether he told himself it was all to protect society or do his peers and bosses proud or to save Lupin from himself, whatever - but rather something as selfish as his own feelings and sexuality could break him
imo his esteemed family background is specifically a huge source of his repression and his need to perform what he perceives to be his role. like even if he’s genuinely very proud of it and even if’s just a very liberal read by myself, even in (questionable) canon he actually seems to acknowledge that it has kind of forced him to take a specific path in life that he might not have taken otherwise, at least according to the unaired green jacket episode where he first meets Lupin. i think that Zenigata envisioning this impassable chasm between him and Lupin due to their family names is something that’s also implied/somewhat explored in stuff like the first and the even more important 4th episode of green jacket, like he wants to cross it but feels he just can’t. he’s in love with Lupin and desperately wants to be loved in return but - and im just repeating what i’ve said multiple times in the past but WHATEVER - he’s just so super anime he’s recontextualized his feelings as Destined Rivalry just like he’s probably done with other dudes in his life he’s crushed on (there’s literally one example in red jacket!). but Lupin also represents an unattainable goal in general that gives him something that he can more or less safely project his sexuality onto so he doesn’t ever have to truly face it. because he will never truly catch Lupin and deep down he knows that he doesn’t want to catch him, either
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2| and where is the trauma? both hsin and boyd were severely sexually abused. and emilio's illness is always treated as a joke. look Ais, your series has done me so much good between the bad it did. i found i'm gay lmao and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that you wrote this ok. but there are things that were offensive, and maybe it was unconscious, since i doubt you wanted to be racist or write a mlm relationship but more like hetero. i wish i could just enjoy the books but my heart breaks
3| idk what the one who questioned that could possibly mean between all the things but thats what i mean. i appreciate you a lot. i hope this didn’t make you feel worse or whatever. but some people really did end up hurt badly after reading icos and im one of them. with all respect, and hope that i didnt disturb you much, farewell.
++++++++++++
Aha I just realized I can put both 2nd and 3rd asks in one! Which is good because, again, the gay comment makes me laugh out loud XD As I said in the other post, thank you again for reaching out, for explaining your concerns, and for the courage you no doubt had to bring forth in order to do so.
I’m getting right into the answers in this one although I will probably ask more questions for clarification on some of the points, as I did on the first one, to make sure I’m not misunderstanding or misinterpreting anything.
More below the cut! :)
EMILIO’S ILLNESS
I’m really sorry but I wasn’t sure what you meant by that. Which illness? How is it treated as a joke? Could you clarify?
TRAUMA
So this I thought was super interesting that you felt there was no representation of trauma in ICoS, or I assume you also mean its aftereffects. That’s actually one of the few points I feel pretty confident saying the series does portray a lot of, both in some cases the experience of it and in other cases the repercussions.
One of the reasons both of them are so severely dysfunctional individually and together is because of trauma.
I don’t want to muddy up this post with a huge tangent but someone had asked a few years ago about the result of the Aleixo mission on Boyd, if he was diagnosed with anything, and so on. If you’re interested, I wrote a long ass reply about the psychological effect of sex trafficking on survivors/victims and talked about some of the things you see Boyd do that are a bit reflective of that. More info at https://aisness.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/boyd-aleixo-psychology/
I think there probably would be more information on all this by now, or at least I certainly hope there would be, but at the time of writing Fade that was the sort of research that was available.
Although, full disclosure, I don’t tend to write characters looking up the DSM symptoms for this or that; I write what feels right for them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and oftentimes later look it up and realize they would have likely been diagnosed with this or that thing or they could be displaying traits of this or that.
At any rate, with Boyd, his trauma started early on, and pretty much everything about him is a reflection of that in some form. I don’t see trauma as specific to sexual assault; it’s most certainly a result of that but also of many other things. Boyd dealt with a lot of neglect and/or emotional abuse as a child, he was bullied by his peers, and generally speaking it was difficult for him to feel like he belonged anywhere. He was very often judged by others, often negatively, for things completely outside of his control, like his parents, their jobs, his home, the amount of money his family had, his looks, etc.
If you look at the Mayo Clinic’s list of child abuse, Boyd falls pretty well under emotional abuse and a bit under neglect, and you can especially see the toll that had on his personality by reading the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse in particular:
Loss of self-confidence or self-esteem
Social withdrawal or a loss of interest or enthusiasm
Depression
Avoidance of certain situations, such as refusing to go to school or ride the bus
Desperately seeks affection
And general symptoms:
Withdrawal from friends or usual activities
Depression, anxiety or unusual fears, or a sudden loss of self-confidence
An apparent lack of supervision
Self-harm or attempts at suicide
If you look at Complex PTSD, and in particular Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD) you can see a lot of Hsin:
Attachment – “problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states”
Behavioural control – “problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems”
Dissociation – “amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events”
I wouldn’t say Hsin dissociates quite that extensively but I feel like he does display some dissociative tendencies at times.
Boyd has some too, like
Self-concept – “fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self”.
I think in some ways you could argue they both display aspects of:
Affect or emotional regulation – “poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes”
When Boyd was little, he often wondered why other people were treated better than him - why, when he was getting perfect grades, he was going above and beyond whenever possible, when he was trying to be “a good boy” all the time, when he went out of his way to stay quiet and not bother anyone – why, despite all his attempts, other people were celebrate yet he was reviled, even if the people being celebrated were awful people doing awful things. He used to study other people relentlessly, trying to understand what it was about them that made them acceptable and what it was about him that made him not.
That’s why, despite being such an introvert, he’s good at blending in and going undercover; it’s why he can adjust to new situations and, in a way, act - because he always had to monitor and adjust himself his whole life just to feel seen and loved. His dad loved him on his own so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but with the trauma that came from the loss of his dad, and what happened with Lou, plus everything afterward, it really messed everything up.
Boyd was not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but more of emotional abuse. Well, I guess, I should say for the most part he wasn’t.
Hsin was definitely a victim of childhood sexual abuse and probably physical abuse (that bit I can’t recall for sure). He was raped even as a small child, and that led into different aspects of his life. One reason, for example, he would go berserk and was seen by the Agency as unreliable in cases of him seeing sexual assault was because he saw, in some way, himself in those victims. It was probably his way of protecting people when he hadn’t been protected, himself.
I can’t speak too much on Hsin’s specific mental health status or repercussions because I didn’t write him so I’m not fully in his mind, but I do know that sort of berserker aspect is part of what came from his sexual abuse and physical abuse and just generally how he grew up. If I recall correctly, a lot of that led into why he was so unstable and dangerous when Emilio first found him; why it took so long to get Hsin to find a way to deal with the violence and aggression and anger in him, in addition to everything else that would have happened regardless of that childhood trauma. Why, too, it was such a huge deal when Boyd was able to earn Hsin’s trust, because he had learned in his life to trust almost no one.
You can see some of the way they both display aspects of C-PTSD as adults as well in the list at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder#Adults
I should be clear: I am NOT a psychiatrist or psychologist so I’m not suggesting that they would be specifically diagnosed with any of these disorders were they to get official diagnoses. However, the reason I bring it up is to show that a lot of the series reflects the way their coping mechanisms lead them to interact within themselves and with the outside world, all of which is often directly or indirectly tied to trauma.
Why is Boyd so terrified of anyone seeing him without his shirt in the beginning? Trauma. Why is he depressed? Trauma. Why is he suicidal? Trauma. Why does he go out of his way to avoid a certain block? Trauma. I would have to look at specific symptoms of different things but I would guess that you could also tie back some of his instability and his sometimes inconsistent reactions to trauma as well. Sometimes he does things or says things that may seem a bit reckless, or cold, or some other unexpected thing at that time - and a lot of times it’s probably in part related to how he learned to cope with things and what his levels of defensiveness are or his fears are at that moment. But he also has a complete inability to see the good in himself for a long time which also ties back, I would think, to some of the things he experienced growing up/previously.
Boyd is an incredibly unreliable narrator. He spends most of his narration thinking about how awful he is, how he should just die, how he isn’t doing a good enough job, and so forth. Yet, that fails to show the impact of some of his choices and decisions. Boyd was pretty much the first person to treat Hsin like a normal human being, to not see him as a surrogate of anything or anyone, to not have any ulterior motives or expectations of him (no matter how well-intentioned), and to truly gain his trust as a result. Yet, Boyd didn’t really see it that way. He didn’t see how important it was for Hsin that he ended up in his life; he didn’t get why Hsin was exasperated the times Boyd said he (Boyd) should just die, that there was no value to his life. He didn’t believe he could be loved so he couldn’t see it was even a possibility at first. Therefore, he spends a lot of his narration over the series belittling himself and downplaying any of his own achievements while simultaneously rewarding or acknowledging what others around him are doing. Not every moment of his narration, of course, but his default state of self is to think he sucks and others are probably better.
Conversely, Hsin is a confident narrator. He often doesn’t doubt himself, doesn’t care what other people think, and is very sure of himself in a lot of aspects like his physical prowess which, itself, is already above and beyond nearly everyone else. Yet he also learned not to trust or rely on anyone else in his life, so he’s incredibly suspicious of others because that’s how he had to learn to be. So, especially in the beginning of the series, in his narration he tends to be very factual about his own achievements and not shy away from acknowledging the things that are powerful about him (even if he doesn’t always see it as anything that special), while simultaneously seeking out anything untrustworthy, unreliable, incompetent, or unworthy about those around him. His narration tends to point out the flaws of those around him because he learned that if he doesn’t protect himself, he’s vulnerable, and when he’s vulnerable he gets hurt.
The result of that is, if you read their narrations straight as if it’s all perfectly reliable, Boyd seems even more unreliable and Hsin seems even more perfect than they actually are, because their default states of being overlap in a manner which magnifies the flaws in Boyd and the merits in Hsin.
Both of them learned to be how they were because of how they were raised, what they went through, and more. Same as how they react to various things throughout the series.
I can’t more specifically comment on anything without knowing what in particular you were thinking of when commenting in the ask about trauma and sexual abuse. But I think generally speaking, they already start the series having learned coping mechanisms that work for them based on trauma they already individually experienced. Those coping mechanisms end up oftentimes being challenged and at times destroyed or reworked throughout the course of the series. That is what leads to a lot of their ups and downs as individuals and as a couple; why their story isn’t a straight arc going up but instead derails a lot. And why they both spend the entirety of the series coming to terms with who they are both internally and externally, and what that means for their relationship, and how they can find a way to grow as a person and a significant other. They both ultimately have to work on trust; Boyd has to learn to trust himself, Hsin has to learn to trust others, and they have to learn to trust each other.
The way people deal with trauma is not the same for everyone. Sexual abuse doesn’t result in the same reaction for all people. I’m not sure if maybe one of the things you were thinking is maybe about sexual abuse during the series itself? I already linked something that goes more in depth on Fade so I won’t touch on that book, and I really can’t speak for Hsin because he isn’t my character so I don’t want to misrepresent his thought process as hidden behind narration or actions at different points.
The only other thing I can think of that maybe you’re thinking about is Boyd’s valentine status, and how he doesn’t seem to have overtly strong reactions to anything until Fade. If that’s one aspect of what you were thinking about, part of that is just how Boyd deals with things. He tends to avoid things that are difficult for him or he has difficulty focusing on, and oftentimes shuts down emotionally.
I think honestly he probably dissociated to some extent during a lot of things; kind of separated his body from his mind and felt like whatever happened, happened. For a lot of the time that he was a valentine early on, he had such little love for himself that regardless of how upsetting anything was, how little he wanted to do certain things, he felt on some level like he deserved it. Some things were probably a subconscious form of self-punishment for being born, for being who he is, for surviving when Lou didn’t, for surviving when his dad didn’t, for never being enough for his mother, for just plain existing. Then as time went on he grew to rely on Hsin and find strength in him. It’s also not like every mission he had was a valentine one, or even that every valentine has to end in anything physical.
That’s why he was able to find ways of dealing with things in some form, even if he didn’t like it or was uncomfortable at times, until the Aleixo mission. He thought he knew how to handle things; he thought he had found apt coping mechanisms. But that mission tore that all apart and nearly destroyed him. His coping mechanisms didn’t work the way they had and now he had to find a new way to survive, and from there came a lot of his instability and more that you see in Fade and as I mention in that blog post.
But in short, I feel like the majority of the series ends up touching, indirectly or directly, on some form of trauma as experienced currently or in the past by one or more of the main characters, and their resulting actions then drive the plot. That is one thing we were very specific about doing: having the plot adjust to the characters rather than force the characters to adjust to the plot. That’s why Afterimage exists, actually; the original plan was sort of like 3/4 of Evenfall and then kind of jumping into aspects of Fade. But we realized at the end of Evenfall that certain things would occur which would then lead to Afterimage and Afterimage then led into aspects of Interludes, which then led into aspects of right before Fade, which then affected a huge part of Fade itself, which then informed 1/27. We didn’t set out to write a series specifically about trauma, it’s just sort of one of those things that happens if you take two characters who have been treated so cruelly or poorly for so much of their lives, and put them together as any sort of team - but especially a team that becomes a couple, and a couple that becomes all but married.
+ +
Regarding the other stuff, I haven’t had a chance yet to check if you answered my question about the hetero relationship comment, so I can’t comment on that until I know more of what you mean. But I would say that generally speaking, I don’t know that I believe it’s necessarily fair to label anything as strictly “hetero” vs “m/m” vs anything else for a relationship. That brings with it a lot of assumptions of what it means to be not only gay or LGBTQIA+, but also straight. It seems to suggest there is only a single way or a very strict set of ways for a cis male and a cis female to be together both in a relationship and to have sex, and I guess I don’t feel like that’s necessarily reflective of reality. People are very complex and so are their relationships, as well as their sex lives.
I’m not sure how specifically the series ended up hurting you but I’m very sorry you felt hurt by anything. That’s a terrible feeling to have to experience. I hope that in whatever way, however it may work best for you, you have the time and space to reflect and recover and rejuvenate. You, like everyone, deserve it.
And honestly, if that means you have to leave the series completely in your past, never to think about it again, if that’s what’s healthiest for you, I truly wish you are able to do so. Stories are there to connect with other people, to share our thoughts and sometimes help us work our way through our own while reading. No story is worth your mental health being put in question. If it is truly upsetting to you to think about the series, it is absolutely not worth your energy. You are more important than a story will ever be. Everyone is. And I say that despite how much I love and rely on stories to get me through life.
If part of your duress is you like aspects of the writing style but the series itself and its contents upset you, you could try reading some other stuff. I have some things I wrote solo that you can find on my AO3 if you want. But also you can find other writers entirely. Depending on what you’re looking for in a story, and the sort of topics you’ve learned work well for you or don’t work well for you, you should be able to find a ton of great series out there and great authors out there who will leave you with the happier aspects of your reaction to ICoS without anything more detrimental like it sounds happened for you with ICoS.
Regardless, I truly wish you the very best. As I said in the other one, please stay healthy and safe! And, if you’re in a place to manage it, stay happy as well :)
Brightest of blessings to you and yours, my friend!
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REPOSTED FROM MY OLD BLOG: Probably my most important headcanon, so please take the time to read this!!
spoilers ahead, but im gonna look at ethans cutscenes and talk about how his bpd (borderline personality disorder) affects his actions and his perceptions throughout the story of new dawn. this is all just headcanon and my interpretation of ethan and how bpd would affect him. none of this is meant to excuse his more nefarious actions, but explain why my interpretation of ethan doesnt pin him as a selfish, horrible, awful monster, but rather a young man with a lot of unresolved trauma and a serious mental health condition who ended up making some terrible choices that resulted in a lot of pain for a lot of people.
0:05 - ethan’s introduction
in this scene ethan experiences some pretty quick and dramatic mood shifts, and has a pretty significant emotional outburst. these are characteristic of the mood swings and emotional dis-regulation experienced by many people with bpd. he starts off catching the captain off guard, sneaking up behind them. ethan has been taught to distrust outsiders, and a symptom of bpd he experiences is suspicion of others and sometimes brief bouts of paranoia. this kind of behaviour makes sense when this is taken into context.
he says that he might not be what the captain expects. this is part of his low self esteem and struggles with his self image and how others perceive him. he constantly feels as though he can never truly be his own person, outside of joseph seed, and that his existence is a disappointment to those who know him.
once he sees the book, he is triggered into a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. acknowledging that the deputy is the one who found the book, and according to joseph’s prophecy will be the true ruler of new eden, is what sets him off. once ethan goes into his rant about it should’ve been him, he’s experiencing a mood swing and sudden spike in his anger and irritability. due to his issues w emotional regulation and control over his expressions of emotion, ethan lashes out by screaming and knocking over the podium in the church. mood swings for bpd sufferers can be only minutes long. what pulls ethan back down to earth a bit is a sudden rush when he realizes he can work with the captain to enlighten new eden to the truth: that joseph is a man, not a messiah, and kind of a shitty one at that who abandoned them all.
3:50 - ethan’s first speech in new eden
ethan’s posturing here is just that; posturing. he’s putting on a bit of a show with the “non believer” bit. he does, however, not entirely trust outsiders nor would he trust that the people of new eden wouldn’t turn on him if he suggested that the captain go north. no, instead he plays off of what he expects the people will do to avoid potential rejection or rebellion. this plays off of his mistrust and suspicion of others, as well as serves to protect his secret interests (getting proof that joseph is dead to get new eden to move on from him) and his ego (tied to the bpd symptom of self image issues and unstable self realization).
ethan can’t help but be a bit sarcastic with “we are all his children”. sarcasm and unwarranted aloofness can tie into bpd, and here it definitely does due to his poor relationship with his father, and with the rumours surrounding his paternity in new eden.
while bpd does not inherently make people manipulative, manipulation of others is often something those with bpd adopt as a coping mechanism to manage their unstable relationships or unstable self image. ethan has adopted this trait in some ways and this is definitely one of them. he does not trust the people of new eden, and knows they wont listen to him fully. this is his main motivator for keeping his plan secret.
the fact that ethan feels he has to act a certain way when he’s the leader of new eden further contributes to his unstable self realization. he puts on different fronts to different people to try and both please them and protect himself.
when he says “they will at last understand that i am their prophet…”, this is in part because he feels he’s worked hard to be the inheritor of new eden. he’s not only joseph’s son (and even if he doesn’t like joseph he wants to be recognized as his biological son, making the rumours about his paternity even more hurtful) but he’s been a successful leader as far as we can tell. to think he will lose it all over a book is damn near panic inducing for ethan. well this is in part a kind of arrogance, it’s fueled by his extreme emotions/mood swings as well as how closely he ties his identity to his position within his community. because his self image is so unstable, threats to that cause him to act in ways that may seem irrational or extreme in order to try and protect his self image. also, ethan will only help the captain in exchange for something in part bc of his suspicion of others. he doesn’t want to offer new eden’s archers and resources without knowing that he will benefit in return. after all, if something goes wrong in new eden bc of this outsider and he allowed it, it’s his responsibility to take the blame and fix it.
5:20 - into the bliss
theres not much in this scene to tie to his bpd. one line i think is important though: “bring me proof of my fathers death and i will make sure you are remembered as a friend of the prophet”. well this can be interpreted as ethan saying to kill joseph, i dont think he is. ethan believes joseph is long gone, that he could never survive all alone for this long. ethan isn’t evil, he’s not asking someone to commit murder, he’s asking them to confirm that someone is already dead. sure, he’s self serving and he wants something in return for his allyship, but to him this is how he can ensure a fair trade, and that an outsider won’t take advantage of him or new eden as easily.
14:18 - ethan, interrupted
ethan’s big speech where joseph fuckin crashes it. at first, he literally does not even see joseph in the crowd. he truly believes he’s dead and that the captain will bring back proof of this. to him, adherence to his rule makes sense; he’s the leader, and things need to change. it is arrogant, because ethan has partially internalized a sense of superiority and entitlement because of his position as joseph’s son, and now heir to the rulership of new eden (he thinks). this combined with an unstable self esteem and self image makes him want total compliance to his rule. criticism, disobedience, they threaten his self worth and that can send him into an emotional spiral or severe mood swing. so, to try and avoid the negative consequences he experiences from perceived slights and rejections, he wants a clean slate and total adherence to his new rules.
when he actually sees joseph, he stops, stammers, and says “father?”. not the father. just father. in this moment, his father who abandoned him (who went out for smokes and never came back) has suddenly shown up in the middle of his speech about him being dead. his arm drops and he stands there, stunned and speechless. his first question is “where have you been?”. he wants to know why and he asks why. why did his father abandon them? abandon him? the answer is completely meaningless to him. it’s basic, it has no detail, and isn’t sufficient. he’s speechless again for a bit, breathing heavier and hyperventilating. he steps away from joseph. when joseph calls the captain god’s sword, ethan damn near does a double take. he’s literally standing in his father’s shadow while he exalts an outsider in front of his own son, after interrupting his speech and embarrassing him in front of everyone.
one of ethan’s symptoms is his overvaluing and undervaluing people in his life. this is when he switches from overvaluing the captain, putting too much faith and hope into them, to undervaluing and practically hating them. his relationship with his father is tenuous, and rocky. it is characterized by ethan’s intense desire to be josephs successor and publicly recognized as his son. ethan even calls out to joseph, upset about the fact that hes now suddenly and publicly being dethroned; joseph doesnt even look back at him. ethan rejects josephs words in anger. he has a sudden outburst in front of the crowd; yet another sudden spike in his emotions from a stressful situation causes him to say what he’s really thinking. “you abandoned me. you abandoned us.” ethan says joseph didn’t leave instructions or a message, just left ethan to lead with no idea how. he does the best job he can under these extreme circumstances, and now all of his hard work is for nothing. that would make even the most level headed neurotypical person upset. whenn ethan starts to lose the support of new eden, he breaks down a bit. the anchor of his self image has been completely ripped away from him in a moment. he storms off partially and his body language is pretty dire; head down, shoulders moving sharply like he’s breathing harshly, and then he turns to watch the crowd walk away from him. imo, part of why ethan doesn’t completely lose it in this scene is that he might be partially dissociating or beginning to dissociate or experience some de-realization from the sudden, acute emotional distress this moment causes for him.
17:45 - ethan’s response
this is when ethan says that the captain betrayed him. they had a deal. he completely put his trust into the captain, idealizing them as the person who could solve his problems, only for them to bring joseph back and make everything in ethans life worse. now, the pendulum swings to the other side where ethan begins to loathe the captain. saying that the captain should have killed joseph themselves is an expression of 1) the intense reactions people with bpd can have to certain situations and 2) his skewed logic because of it. what seems totally irrational to someone else might seem like the only logical solution to a problem for someone with bpd. the stress of such a painful, emotionally charged situation like this one. he never wants to see the captain again; on a dime he flips, from putting all of his trust and hope into one person to saying he never wants to see them again and that they betrayed him. this quick switch of very intense perceptions of others is a cycle of idealization and undervaluing that people with bpd may experience.
18:07 - ethan’s prayer letter
in this letter, ethan discusses how he feels he hates his father for the abandonment; how joseph “expected everything and gave nothing”, how ethan never got to really have joseph as a father for himself because he was too busy being THE father. he says wrath and envy grip him tight to the point he feels he can’t breathe. this is definitely indicative of ethans mood swings and intense emotions, especially the irrational anger and aggression many people with bpd can have. then, he says nobody but himself, his mother, and god can know about how he feels, and that he must put on a front for new eden and be a leader to them “no matter what”. this is absolutely something i can see being tied to his bpd. he is aware that expressing his thoughts, feelings, and reactions to others would probably get a negative reaction. he seeks to avoid that, as well as to avoid the judgment from others he thinks he would get. his unstable self image is complicated by the fact that he feels obligated to hide the symptoms of his illness, and pretend to be someone he isn’t. this only makes it worse, as he ties his social and therefore individual identity to “ruler of new eden”. he relies very much on the responses and reactions of others to gauge whether or not he seems “normal” or capable of doing his job.
18:27 - npc dialogue
ethan says that josephs followers see the prophecy coming to light, but ethan sees it as a chance for new eden to make its own path. this is also when ethan says that he is josephs biological son, and that his mother raised him outside of hope county and brought him there when he was young to be raised by joseph. she died from an illness on their journey. this is some pretty significant baggage for ethan. he wants new eden, and himself, to become independent. the only reason he stays in new eden is because of his mother. he loves her, and idealizes her in a way that never flips to undervaluing because the relationship is one sided since her passing.
19:23 - megan’s letter to joseph
this is important just bc it states megan raised ethan as a non believer but after the collapse taught him about joseph’s word. this is important for ethan because it means he had to relearn some pretty significant things after the apocalypse, including a whole new religion and worldview. this can be very confusing for a child, and in part explains why ethan isn’t totally on board with josephs word, or the all of new eden’s beliefs surrounding him; his earliest formative years had nothing to do with joseph seed or prophets or collapses. he had to convert, and did so as a child who couldn’t really understand or make that choice for himself. he is tied to new eden solely because of megan, and without her wish to have him be josephs heir, he would’ve left long ago.
20:08 - intermission/flashback
this is when we see a young babby ethan get nasty with joseph. this is an early sign of his bpd developing. he has an intense reaction and says something very hurtful to his father over not getting what he wants, which isn’t just the apple but his father’s approval. to him, this is another rejection by joseph, or it is perceived that way by a young ethan. constantly being told something wasn’t gods plan, or it isn’t part of a prophecy without further explanation was confusing and frustrating for ethan growing up. he wanted the apple to be like his father; he wanted the apple to feel integrated into his community like the others who were given the gift. this denial, one that is permanent and leaves no room for ethan to change or grow and become capable of handling its strength leaves him feeling defeated and angry. his reaction of “you are an old man, and when you die i will take one” shows a very quick emotional shift and a shift from idolizing his father and wanting to be like him to practically hating him, becoming cold and distant in mere moments.
21:16 - joseph’s worry
“ethan’s sin is pride. there is something deep inside him that no word of mine can touch. i worry that now as an outsider appears to take his place that beast will feed on resentment and grow stronger. ” YEAH ITS BPD YA DINGUS fdpgpfd but more seriously, ethans pride is a coping mechanism to deal with his ever changing self image and self worth. its a rigid barrier to keep others from knowing how weak he really feels, and how uncertain he is of himself.
23:25 - ethan’s betrayal
this is where ethan betrays new eden and sets them up so the highwaymen can destroy the settlement. he tolerates the highwaymen laughing at him only so he can get what he wants: revenge. this extreme response is from his bpd. his impulsive anger, and the extremes his mind goes to won out and he acted on his violent thoughts.
26:26 - ethan and the fruit
when joseph asks ethan what hes done (referring to betraying new eden), ethan says: “i did what i had to do. i freed myself, i freed us all from you, from your rules.”. to ethan this was logical. this was something he had to do. he didn’t take pleasure in it, he didn’t go into new eden and kill everyone himself. no, he handed them over to the highwaymen in a desperate, out of touch moment. the spark was there and his disorder was gasoline that helped the flames to spread. he reacted intensely, out of irrationally extreme anger, towards an entire group of people he had shifted to undervaluing. he felt betrayed so he returned in kind, but no matter how wrong that was ethan couldnt see it.
“i will have what you denied me. you gave it to an outsider but you wouldn’t give it to me. i am your flesh and blood” and explosively tells joseph he doesnt know gods will. he lashes out against his father, arguing with him and rebelling directly by taking the one thing joseph kept him from that he truly wanted. to ethan, in my hc, the apple is more than just power and more than just something he covets. its a symbol of joseph’s fatherhood, of his love; he gave it to everyone but ethan, his own son, and now he would take what he wanted from life with or without josephs input.
31:08 - the death of ethan seed
the first thing ethan says after he sees joseph is “father… i’m sorry”. he’s scared. he knows he’s going to die. he asks if joseph can forgive him. he knows he’s fucked up, obviously, not just by eating the apple but by betraying new eden. his last word is “father”. no matter how torn his relationship was with joseph, he wanted his father’s love. he wanted connection with his father. he wanted to feel validated, have his identity confirmed, even in his last moments.
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