#I MIGHT MAKE A LONGER POST ON THIS IDK. i have so much THOUGHTS augh ....

[teapot-of-tyrahn]

there is something SO special to me about life series’ designs where the characters’ lives are kept track of through hearts tattooed on their inner wrist. and not just because of the literal organic symbolism of them being placed on a person’s veins, their radial artery, a pathway which is connected to their actual heart, but because of the literary symbolism. a common idiom is "to wear one’s heart on their sleeve". it means to openly shows one’s feelings rather than keeping them hidden… and isn’t that poetic? because, in a game of deception and betrayal and heartbreak, you’re forced to wear your heart on your sleeve. it’s on display. it’s on display, for people to see, to watch. your feelings aren’t your own, they’re in the public domain, and you’re on public display. your feelings and hearts are on display for somebody's sick, twisted entertainment, to be broken over and over again until you break. until you have no more hearts left to lose. until you don't have a heart left to break.

[zenyattasperceptrons]

sj rambling like goddamn for real

///////

i know it’s not “time for rhetoric”

theres literally people chanting na/zi slogans on the street. and that’s terrifying. and i don’t even know the half of how terrifying it can be. and it needs to stop. yeah.

but. ive been grappling with this phrase in my head for a while. im not quite sure it makes sense yet. but it’s something like, “opposite is not dissimilar.” if something is “opposite” it actually has quite a lot to do with the thing it’s opposite to. It’s across from this thing on one single axis, as opposed to catty corner and off in another section on the y coordinate and blah blah...

so. yknow. no, i don’t think people who use tactics similar to the alt-r/ight, but on the other end of the political spectrum are “just as bad.” it’s very difficult to be “just as bad” as... actual... na/zis ....but. I do think those tactics are incredibly polarizing and short-term and...well, violent. And I don’t know if you’ve looked around America lately (I wish I could stop looking around), polarization looks like an absolute shitshow. I mean, part of it is that the loudest voices are the most extreme, so the ones you hear about are the ones who are pretty set in their ways.

But there are people who follow more right-wing politics that aren’t that polarized. Yet. And they’re probably thinking, yknow...what a mess their party has become. Like, in some ways, don’t you really wish we could trade for Romney right now? Like, he’s obviously not the #1 choice but if your only option was Romney or this, I would take Romney. And I bet a lot of republicans feel that way too. They don’t want to be associated with this. Some might very strongly feel that it needs to stop, they just...aren’t sure what to do about it.

And there’s not a lot of entry points for that when all of the talk going around is something like... yknow.. “all republicans are horrid beings and this was the obvious outcome of their beliefs” etc etc and. so. there’s not a lot of places where people can go and get something like. “okay. we don’t agree on some things. and we’re definitely going to hash that out. but we can do that LATER. right now we need to work together to stop this absolute cancer from taking over america.” but aside our differences. work together. it sounds optimistic, but...is it naive to say that people on any side would like there to not be na/zis in america right now? i... hope not.

i just. I don’t want to be “opposite” to this group. I want to be the wrench in the entire system. I don’t want to hammer this nail so deep into the ground with brute force that you don’t see it anymore, but it might still wiggle out if the floorboards loosen. I want there to be no need for this nail. I want to redo the entire floor, yknow. I want the people who have these beliefs to...not feel anymore like they need them. Now that...that’s naive. That’s idealistic. But I think working with that goal in mind is better than. Not.

I just don’t know how to deal with the short term problem while considering long term effects. i dont have the answer here. maybe...maybe we need to do whatever we can to stop this from happening right now

but. maybe this is a cycle. maybe what’s happening is the pushback just keeps springing over with as much force as it took to push it back down. I haven’t...been alive to see most of these cycles so it’s really hard to make a big picture out of it but. Bush? We hated him. What a shitshow! He was so bad we all rallied together to get Obama elected, and that was good. I’m glad that happened. But then...republicans were so mad about this yknow, the entire government refused to do anything his entire administration. how many times did they do that stupid vote to repeal the ACA instead of getting actual work done? and we thought they were just...being extremely childish about this whole thing! making policy isn’t about standing steadfast in the ground and refusing to move, it’s about compromising and figuring out a solution that can move forward.

and then...the pushback was, unfortunately, this guy. which i still have trouble believing got legitimately elected. i don’t think my heart can take the idea of this guy getting legitimately elected. and...what did the democrats do? they said, no. we’re going to sit and oppose every single thing this guy wants to do. and... i want them to do that. i desperately do. but now i understand how the republicans felt when obama was in office. i can’t say i agree with those feelings, i don’t think “oh, well what they did under obama was okay i guess,” but i understand what it feels like.

but. how do you compromise when your parties are growing more and more polarized with more and more separate ideals and more and more sentiment that the other side is evil and wants to destroy you.

because. well... personally, i can’t think of republican policy without thinking of people...dying in result. in direct result. people need food stamps to eat. they need welfare and health insurance, god do people need health insurance. these policies will kill people, and that is my genuine belief.

and i don’t understand how republicans can oppose what we stand for. I don’t.

But... I do believe they feel the same way. Somehow. I can’t explain it, but I know they feel this way. We are a direct threat to their lives. I don’t agree with it. But it’s a fact that that sentiment exists in some people.

so where do we go from here. we can’t relax and begin to compromise unless they relax and begin to compromise at an exactly equal pace. and how do you do that? how do you enforce that? how do you enforce trust and goodwill? how do you take the first step forward in letting the barricade down without getting completely stampeded by people who are, at this point, absolutely happy to take the opportunity?

i don’t know. im lost. i’m completely at a loss here as to how to move forward.

but i know that pushing back with brute force is...going to end in violence. somehow. we can’t keep up like this. something is going to break. our government cannot operate like this anymore. let’s be honest--it’s not operating like this anymore. our government is no longer functioning.

and that’s how things change, i guess. that’s how colonies threw off their colonizers. a violent revolution. that’s the way to do away with the system and build another on top of the rubble.

but since when has that worked out. that’s not an option i’m excited about. people will die. we all know how war works these days. it’s not a bunch of volunteers going off into an empty field and fighting in the name of their country. it’s personal. it involves civilians. it’s long and drawn out and it’s automated. innocent people get involved. all of those people we’re trying to protect with government benefits--what will happen to them if there’s not a government anymore. i just.

i don’t know what the conclusion of this post was supposed to be anymore.

i think what i really want to say, and what i really want to be true, but wishing isn’t going to make it come into existence

i want to release the pressure. i want people who are capable of doing this, and not in immediate danger, to reach out to those around them and talk to them. i want to be human to each other and i want to be understanding. i want to talk about ideals. yes, i want to sit down and have a goddamn talk about ideals and that doesn’t make me a traitor to our cause because there are so many of us and we can be doing different things at the same time! violence is a shitty patch-up job for what’s going on right now. if you’re in direct danger or someone close to you is in direct danger then yes, take action, please, protect yourself, protect those close to you, protect strangers who need your protection, but don’t pretend like self-defense is a political solution to what’s going on right now. it’s necessary, but it’s not addressing the root cause. we can’t go around perpetuating it because that’s not what we should want. we want people to feel safe because when people feel safe they don’t enact violence against other people at least in the large, large majority of cases. i don’t want those who can’t defend themselves to have to continue relying on other people to help them, i want them to feel safe on their own. i don’t want to put vulnerable people’s lives at risk for the sake of some kind of righteous vigilante justice. i want to have a system that works and to me what that means is people who are willing to talk to each other and be compassionate and address concerns and just. just be human! connect! hold fucking hands and sing songs together!!!!! fuck it!!!

fuck it!!!! the tools of violence are bad tools and the second we lay them down they’ll get picked up by people who will use them against us and idk about you but i dont want to keep violence in an iron grip all my life!!! AUGH

[haeroniel-doliet]

i need more money to buy little art

honestly tho feeling like for that ideal goal existence i’ll try get to someday, i’ll needa be making proper money comfortable and good so i can spend all i like on society 6 and other to buy shirts and bags and just everything to a house all in different art prints (mostly florals) bc just those pictures are  like everything i want but just so expensive. i’m trying to sum down like 10 to stickers, bc i wanna do up my laptop, but dedicating to a single decal (thats like 25 ON SALE) is too much esp since i love so much. so ive kinda decided to get a hard cover for the laptop just in case i break it, and just in case i do break my laptop that i can keep the stickers on the hard case and dont lose them to replaced parts. idk seems smart. ill probs buy a kinda shady cover off of ebay for 5 or 6 pound and then spend 20 on stickers for it :] since theyre on sale till 8 am today and its 3 am im probs just gonna settle and order them. might order cover tomorrow w my dad bc i need trust assurance. hes not all on board on the stickers so im just gonna go for it. theyre gonna be like my post cards. i buy so many every place. and no. not trashy postcards. i want art. i have so many postcards of paintings in galleries and so many from comic con art valleys (guess who wants to get so much more and 100% will) i love original art the most when its pretty to me and like everyone who sees it. simples okay but i prefer soft and detailed. excited now i can go to con and also be looking for stickers bc maybe ill get a few cool ones that wont cost me as much as the society 6 ones do. and then my laptop can replicate my walls, displaying all the art ive loved that ive been able to take with me (bc theres so much i obviously dont have on my walls) anyway im looking at these and making some small bc i suddenly realise this laptops got realestate. and the saddest thing w stickers (literally why i had one of those waxy paged sticker books as a child) is that i cant dedicate stickers to a single spot. its so much dedication. what if i buy a bigger sticker and it wont fit? what if i get the perfect sticker for that spot and it wont fit? (over lap i guess) how can i be sure i put them in the right spots to start with? augh i dont really wanna cover just half of it and obviously leave space bc that puts pressure on finding stickers and i might get ones i dont love. i cant get sick of any one bc itll be there  (joy of having multiple mean theres less getting sick of anything). anyway i think im happy w the sizes of these 10 stickers and can work w them (also for now i think im just gonna be going around the edges and leaving the apple logo as it is, esp bc it glows and theres already this shitty old smiley face sticker from my old psych teacher and i kinda dont wanna get rid of it, i just wanna add things around it so it doesnt look so: clean (actually dirty) laptop that a child marked as their own) 

anyway society 6 has random discounts all the time which is p rad and maybe the day im ready to invest in my own living space and dont feel obliged to check w my parents about just about any purchase, i’ll then subscribe to something thatll tell me what discount is on. that in mind, i think i’ll only get the 9 now, that hopefully wont cost too much, and leave a bunch in my wishlist, bc there’ll be another discount (this is 20% off everything)  and maybe that’ll be like 50% off stickers and boy then when my collection is underway you bet ill go for it. and like maxx sticks on their sketch book, if i dedicate to a new book maybe ill get more for that and have a pretty thing to keep and reminisce over (tho knowing me, ill not use it much bc i have a need for pretty things to stay perfect and presentable, and i have a need for everything that i might show to others to be like near perfect otherwise its sucks and ill feel bad bc i dont wanna show it off to people. like my art book, sure i couldve made it all experimental and crap and then edited the real pages together on the computer. but no. i needed everypage to be presentable and pretty and handwritten and creative. and they must go page after page, its so awkward showing someone something and then going “oh wait now these few are empty sorry yeah heres the next page” so i baasically have  a book with mhmmm 20-26 pages of beautiful spreads that im quite proud of inside beautiful covers ( i knew id want to be presenting it for years to come) and the back pages are just...empty. and theyll probably stay that way bc i no longer have projects to be doing to fill them with. maybe one day ill grow into myself and grow out the fear of ruining what ive achieved and fill some with new projects to please myself and be an indepenednt artist not just a teacher pleaser. you know its like that with my work too, like it has to have a direction and a plan that will be achieved, and its terribly frustrating when that vision doesnt happen. but i think thats the same with everyone. 

anyway on a side note, dont you guys think its so fun and cool how ive not done my post labs that were due last friday? how every night ends up being 3-4 am until i go... mhmmmm yeah i guess nothing is happening. like i hope id bloom and do work at that 11pm-3am window and then i get here, suddenly having lost all track and sense of time and just sigh. its wasted, its basically tuesday already. have to keep telling myself dates bc it moves so weird. i planned on getting shit done two days ago. here we are regardless. and the most ill get done is get those stickers ordered bc that is i guess what ive been half focused on for mhmmm5 hrs. then ill save my 7 dollars or whatever, have stickers on the way, tomorrow order the case and thats one insignificant thing done. then the question will be have i looked at summer jobs? no of course not ive looked at ballet courses. shush. i havent showered for days bc theyve just slipped by too laying in bed, maybe tomorrow ill take a shower and pick up all the trash and tissues on the ground. maybe i will. i know i wont get real work done tonight, and already ill be sleepy till 1 pm and by then mom will be again on me abt sleeping to latesoo... yeah no point. and here i thought id make a quick totes relatable short post about how i need more money to buy stickers and maybe a brief my ideal life is to have enough money to spend on art being in every part of my life and all this  being unique so people love coming to my house and go wow its so original and cool. and that turned into a word vent thats so far taken me over half an hour. hi my batterys dying. 

lng story short, i’ll order the stickers currently in my basket after so much though, suck it up and do it and know that i have a bunch over in my wishlist for that next maybe even better sale when it happens. the only thing is im taking all the rest as transparent which for sure dulls them down (yeah white background looks sick but for some its just more classy w transparent, then theres this one bear i’m 100% naming wojtek thats in white bc i feel it’ll be best for him, and i guess having him in white will set that theres no clear rules to follow and worst case if it doesnt fit he can come chill on the keyboard side next to my mouse pad thing) honestly i cant tell if i should be getting them all in white and just hope that theyll look gorgeous no matter what. yikes 3 dollar shipping for stickers, ok itll actually be 19.62 pound and using euro card 22.50 in  euros.... am i dumb? maybe. and tho im supposed to be saving money up so i have some, i also did get birthday money sorta recently soo... birthday gift from them. first set of stickers. deep breaths ok. my parents told me when i bugged them that i just have to make a decision and not ask them all the time, and he said to get 3 stickers i told him id pick 12 so i think getting 9 is reasonable. also oh shit realising that the delivery time is 1-3 weeks and im staying here only 1 and a half more so i should really order it to scotland even tho it might get ther ebefore i do bc my parents might not rly want to send them up to me. idk ok order to scotland, thank f at least one of my flat mates is staying and tbh i should really bring her some chocolate... shes done me faavours.