#I LOVE U especially the handful of ppl who like and reply to my posts!!

[boy-above]

i hope everyone has a GREAT DAY i LOVE U ALL!!!

[grippingbeskar]

goodbye 2022– a love letter

okay, so i am not one for long, sappy posts. in fact i think i can count on one hand the amount of times i’ve written about personal stuff on this blog, because i wanted it to be a space for me to just escape life and write for the first time.

i just wanted to make this post to say thank-you. i think i have written that word out about 1,000 times since making this account, but it will truely never be enough to express how greatful i am to have this space, and that all of you have been so fucking welcoming and kind to me.

when i started this account nine months ago, i genuinely had no idea what it would turn into. i’d been reading fanfic for most of my life, and the last few years i’ve been obsessed with the punisher and the mandalorian (not much has changed). i’ve always been the type of person to make stories in my head, especially with how much i read, it’s almost like i can’t help it. i also have taken a very big interest in writing recently, so i thought why not have a bit of fun with it and write a few chapters of a story and see where it goes.

my first official post on this account was the first chapter of the element of surprise series, and i remember getting my first few notes, and even a comment, and i nearly jumped out of my skin. every single one since then has been so special, and i still get all giddy and excited when i see someone interacting with my stories. after that i posted my first frank castle story, looking to tomorrow. i was so insecure about it, but at that point i think i had literally 0 followers, so i had NOTHING to lose.

after a few more chapters and frank one shots i started to get a little more inspired, and that is all thanks to the lovely people who cared enough to encourage me. i would have 100% stopped writing if you all hadn’t been so welcoming and amazing, and my life trajectory has seriously changed for the better. not even exaggerating.

now i’m here nine months later. i’ve finished my first series and nearly completed my second, both of which are over 85,000 words in length, which is fucking WILD. i have also written 30ish (im counting my drafts in this lmao) stand alone fics, and did my first ever celebration, writing out a bunch of requests (which i still actually have three or four in my drafts. trust me they are coming i’m just slow pls).

i am just so so greatful to have this space where i have so many encouraging, kind people that share the same interests, and find genuine enjoyment in the shit that i write. i’ll never be able to type out in words how much it means. every time someone reads my fics, i just want them to know how much it means to me. even if you don’t interact (i’d love to reply personally if you do!) i just love that people are reading my writing. so thank you. THANK YOU.

now. i have a few ppl i wanna mention who have made this experience all the more incredible.

@everybirdfellsilent for being my first tumblr friend and my longest. you are so, so incredible, and i genuinely don’t know where i would be if i hadn’t found you on here. thank you for your constant support, editing help, beta reading, screaming about sexy fan art, obi-wan thirsting and everything in between. i appreciate you more than you know and i love u for it.

@buckymcbuckbarnes BITCH you know i love you. do i even have to SAY!!!! thank you for everything— you are such a special person to me, and i literally can’t tell u how glad i am to have found you. watch out 2023 bc we have big things COMING. and they will be cumming if you know what i mean. thank you for your incredible playlists and every single fic and tik tok you send me. i love every single one. i love you. we say it all the time and i mean it.

@tea-and-wine for all our chats, even though sometimes they are few and far between, i always appreciate your messages and kind words. i hope you make 2023 your bitch!!

@marvelswh0re for your thirsty frank and matt thoughts and all your kind words. i still think about that convo we had about how frank is receiving a bj. it’s just always in my mind. i need him to **** ** ***. sorry got off track. THANKYOU!!!

@lemon-world1 for being SO lovely, and for all the amazing words you’ve left on my frank series and everything in between. it means so so much to me. i can’t explain it. also congrats for sharing your frank fic, it was incredible and i can’t wait to see what else you have in store!

@castlesnchurches i will never be able to express how much i love reading your comments on my fics. probably one of my fave things ever. you motivate me so much just by being so lovely. thank you thank you. xx

@dinahmadanimybeloved for your amazing messages and supportive words, i hope 2023 is a good one for you xx

@hellskitchenswhore FOR GENERAL KINDNESS!!! thankyou so so much. it means the world ❤️

and to every single person who has interacted, liked or read a fic of mine/ followed along for the journey— and reading this right now!!! i’ll never be able to tell you how happy you have made me. thank you for making a pretty shitty year that much better ❤️

get ready for more fics, more series, and more SEX in 2023. YEHAW.

[fairycosmos]

sorry if this comes off as like blog policing but i feel that it is super inappropriate for people to be sending you thinly veiled anonymous suicide threats… i mean you’re grieving and going through other issues right now too and i feel like i’ve noticed an influx of people telling you they want to kill themselves which is just like super weird to me. as someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts and ideation, i’m begging you, REACH OUT TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW AND TRUST IN REAL LIFE. even if it feels like you haven’t talked to then in a while or you have “nobody”, there is most likely someone in your phone wanting to hear your voice. you don’t need to disclose you’re suicidal, even just having a conversation can really help. if you absolutely have 0 people in your corner, call a hotline or (if you can) check yourself into a hospital. a girl (you most likely do not know) on the internet is not the best resource for you, full stop.

sorry for this rant but with your posts and stuff i really feel kind of sketched out when people come to you with their suicidal ideations. i do hope you’re taking care of yourself, especially with receiving these kind of asks. love you angel.

yeah i totally hear you, im always in two minds about. on the one hand ppl are reaching out for help and theyre clearly in a very fragile state, and i know the mental health care systems are tenuous at best in most countries so ppl are just looking for support wherever they can find it. i relate to them a lot. but on the other hand it does seem kind of idk. like it’s crossing a boundary, since im a stranger on the internet not equipped to deal with it, which is why i always just do my best to encourage seeing a professional or seeking irl support. i don’t feel right about just ignoring messages like that, but i also don’t know that it’s the healthiest thing for anyone involved. but ultimately i don’t want anyone to feel guilty if they have sent me something like that, because i get it, im just not sure what would be the correct course of action either way. not replying feels awful, replying feels like a lot. i do worry a lot above what happens to them after, but im also grateful they feel they can open up to me, it’s really complex in my head how i view it because i have such conflicting feelings on it. but anyway thank you so much for thinking of me and for looking out for me seriously from the bottom of my heart 💖 ur right there’s been a big influx of it in my inbox lately and since im also doing terribly maybe i should take a step back. love u loads!! hope you’re having a good day, please take care too 💖

[sexysilverstrider]

Hello, first and foremost I'd like to say that I'm a big fan of your writing - you really helped fill in that empty void that was left behind in my heart after I finished Pokemon Black all those years ago and fell in love with Ferrishwheelshipping. Your stories really lit up my life then.

Secondly, I have a problem and really wanted to ask your advice about it - I recently became invested in Legends: Arceus and somehow came out of it liking the idea of Volo x Akari, for a lot of reasons, but basically because I don't think Volo is entirely as evil as parts of the fanbase make him out to be, I think he has light in his heart and deserves a second chance.

I mean he has not one, not two, but THREE friendship evolutions, all three evolving from baby Pokemon, and during a time when Pokemon and humans were at odds with each other. And has a photo of himself and his egg baby.

(And I read there's a possibility that Giratina might have had some influence on him going totally bonkers)

Anyways, I've been a longtime fan of Pokemon and your work, and I've written several stories before, but this is the first time I've wanted to write a Pokemon fic this badly - a Volokari story (not sure what their shipping name is yet). But I'm worried about receiving backlash because in my story Akari (who is actually Hikari) is an adult when she's whisked away to Hisui, and I don't want to receive hate messages over something that's supposed to be emotional and fun.

But at the same time, I really, REALLY want to write this story sometime, how Arceus not only brought Akari to Hisui to save the land, but also Volo, and how the two hold Cynthia's existence in the future in their hands...

But I'm so sensitive, especially these days, I don't think I'd know what to do if I received hate messages over something I worked so hard on and put all my soul into, especially when those messages are calling me terrible things that make me feel like I should be burned at the stake.

hi hi!

first of all. omg. aaaaa thank u! im happy to u know love my fws esp my fws fics aaaaaaa all the stuff ive written in the past are quite dear to me so its nice to know people enjoy wm

second, regarding your problem, i solely believe in Write For Yourself. make your own food. cook your own feast. make the characters alive through your eyes for YOUR viewing pleasure. i know getting validation from others is great but it also risks the unnecessary backlash from ppl we never asked opinions from. so what i can say is start off by writinf for yourself. trust me. years later im still in a soulsilver n ferriswheel rut n all the fics ive written in the past are for my own benefit. it helps on the long run.

if u hv ao3 u can post on ao3 w proper tags! usually the readers are nicer coz it takes actually googling and filtering to find what one wants. no asshole is tht desperate to do so just to spread hate.

if not u can post here too! if youre still nervous, switch off replies or turn anon off. theyll be some useless bastards once or twice unfortunately but think of it this way: your life is way more vast, way more important and these useless things are barely worth your time or notice.

it might sting to get one. bt trust me, there are SO many people who support n love u. outside and inside the internet.

so i hope youre passionate enough to write vlkr! i knw im still super interested in them n years of doing what i love make me so desensitized by some backlash from people i couldnt care less coz the internet is just a small part of my big big world lol

[theyaskedmeto]

what i think each og new direction member's social media presence would be like

basically i’ve been doing nothing all day and i’m way too addicted to social media and i started thinking about this so here we are. also i’m just gonna pretend social media was a big thing when they were at school (it obviously wasn’t but lets pretend this is set in like 2016 or smth)

rachel berry

lets be honest rachel would be so damn annoying on social media (not like that’s a surprise tho she’s annoying anyway)

she’d definitely use instagram the most

she’d post photos of her and finn holding hands and caption it like ‘My world, I love this boy 🔐❤️🌏✨’ and then deletes them all when they break up

EXCESSIVE use of emojis 

posts selfies and quote song lyrics in the caption

posts what she’s listening to on her stories (usually boradway) and feels very entitled because of it

posts singing videos 

santana and brit probably bully her in the comments of her posts lbr

honestly i can’t see her having any other forms of social media tbh, she just always uses instagram

auto caps stay ON at all times bc it’s ‘against the rules of basic grammar’

tries to talk in the nd groupchat but no one likes her or listens. like ‘What song should I do for a solo this week’ and then it starts a massive argument

finn hudson

one of those boys who just takes photos of The Scenery™ and no photos of him

maybe posts some photos of him and rachel when they’re together though

actually he probably does the same thing as rachel like ‘Can’t believe this girl is mine 😍💗’ and commenting ‘Love You ❤️’ on her posts but it just seems v high school

probably not very active but uses instagram the most

does a lot of those ask thingys on instagram like ‘send me an emoji and i’ll say what i think about you’ LMAO

i feel like he’s not very involved with it because he prefers video games more lol

uses ‘😂’ unironically

auto caps on and doesn’t even know having them off is a thing

noah puckerman

USES SNAPCHAT. nothing else. but he does have insta

has sent streaks to everyone he’s friends with on sc and will continue to until he’s like 25 

posts way too many mirror selfies with the flash on without his shirt off (ew) 

literally never talks in the nd groupchat

auto caps on - actually he probably Types Like This All The Time

has A Rule that if he’s talking to a girl he has to not reply for at least 2 hours but if it’s a guy then he has to reply asap (bros before hoes type vibe)

blaine anderson

i really don’t think he’d use it that much??? i feel like he’d get too overwhelmed ahdkjhdjs

WAIT APART FROM TUMBLR

he’s probably very involved with tumblr and is part of the star wars fandom/marvel fandom

his ao3 history is between him and his computer only

ppl wanna be his friend on tumblr because he’s just nice and kind 🥺

he’s probably quite popular on there - has a lot of followers

but he doesn’t really use any others - has an instagram but there’s no posts on there

maybe he tries to spread awareness on his insta stories???

hates snapchat with a passion 

uses :) :( <3 ;_; way too much (he’s on tumblr)

has auto caps off. like he’s a fanboy okay he’s on TUMBLR fgs. 

occasionally talks in the nd groupchat but is normally a bit intimidated by all the arguments it causes 

v open about his sexuality on his insta (has a 🌈in his bio🥺)

brittany pierce

she uses all of the main ones (insta and snapchat)

posts loads of photos of lord tubbington on there and adds loads of gifs on her stories

such!! a wholesome!!! insta page!!!!!

lots of mirror selfies with the flash on

bad spelling 😔

tries to do those story bingo things but gives up when she gets confused

also has another insta account to build her fondue for 2 channel 

auto caps OFF

uses all the pretty emojis way too much like ‘went to the park 🏞 it was so ✨💗 fun!!! 🌸🌈☀️ we had a good time 😍’

is the QUEEN of the nd groupchat along with santana. tbh her and santana would just use it as their place to talk about everything rather than private messages

santanna lopez

her whole instagram is just selfies

uses snapchat quite a lot but when she gets older she stops completely and deletes it ‘snapchat is for straight ppl’

cyberbullies rachel ajhfdsjhd

does ops on her story and is just brutally honest to everyone who asks 

auto caps stay on but sometimes she forces her keyboard to type all lowercase

NEVER uses emojis. not even :( or :) she just never uses them ever

has a tiktok addiction for when she gets sad about britt (especially s2 when britt isn’t with her)

kurt hummel

uses instagram to show off his outfits 

especially when he gets older and lives in ny!! 

there’d be such cute lil videos of him and blaine on his story like taking videos of his ootd and then blaine photobombing and then he zooms in on him and laughs ok i’ve thought about this too much

compliments all his besties on their photos like ‘So gorgeous 😍’

auto caps stay religiously ON but uses a lot of abbreviations like ‘btw and ily’ etc

in the early days of him and blaine being together, he’d be quite private about it but around the time just before he leaves for ny they get more public

only uses emojis for reactionary purposes eg. to compliment friends

posts photos of anything. honestly i want to see his insta it’d be so cute

has a private instagram for his close friends where he shitposts his whole life like ‘Dad’s taking us to get mcdonalds!!!!’ with blaine

sam evans

posts shirtless pics and all the girls thirst over him ajdhksjdk

uses insta more than snapchat but always sends streaks (maybe when he’s younger tho like around season 4 i don’t think he would be anymore)

also v wholesome though??? like i think he’d post pics of what flowers he got his mum for mothers day 

posts pics of mercedes on his story when they’re together 🥺

posts his favourite songs on his story

auto caps ON bc he doesn’t know having them off is a thing lol

uses 😂 unironically

mercedes jones

doesn’t post much on any social media platforms but is always liking everyone elses posts and complimenting her friends

posts more on her story than anything else

when she gets more confident in herself tho, she posts more (especially when she moves to new york)

occasional photos of sam when they’re dating with a lil love heart emoji on her story

lots of emojis but she uses them when necessary

auto caps on!!!

tina cohen-chang

THE SAME AS RACHEL WITH MIKE but like 10 times less annoying and people actually care

literally the cutest couple on instagram with the new directions group

uses the nd groupchat quite regularly bc people actually LISTEN to her there

has a cute lil gc with sam and blaine with some weird ass name

switches to auto caps off after she goes through her goth phase 

uses :) and :( and also a few pretty emojis eg. 💗☀️✨🌟💐🍬 to make her captions looks pretty

v quick replier

quinn fabray

this bitch has too many emotions for social media ok?

just watches tiktok to cheer herself up but it makes her more sad

has an instagram but never posts on there

if you wanna message her just text because she’ll never reply otherwise

disappears off the face of the earth during her skank phase. deletes her instagram and everything

auto caps on but it doesn’t even matter because she never even needs to use her keyboard 

(we’re talking s3 tho. in like s1 she’d have been into it to keep up her persona lol. her insta would’ve defo had over 1k followers)

mike chang

uses insta more than sc and posts photos of him and tina on his story 

fast replier - loyal king

fully ignores the nd groupchat because he avoids drama 😌✨

non caps because it ‘looks friendlier and not like you’re shouting’

will help you with your homework if you have any questions 

like ‘hey have you done this english homework?? i can’t find any good quotes that’ll help with the question’ and he’ll reply fast with a whole list bc he’s an academic KING

would love to post some dancing videos but gets too scared :(

artie abrams

has no social media and is rlly annoying bc its so hard to contact him

auto caps on. i mean like how would u know having them off was a thing if you don’t have any socials

fully punctuates every text

[pocmuzings]

A GUIDE BARELY ANYBODY ASKED FOR: writing smut foreplay 101.

NOTE: every body is different. every person likes different things, and reacts different ways. i’m writing from my various personal experiences as a Self Assigned Hoe, also the self titled Smut Queen of the rpc. NONE OF THIS IS DEFINITIVE. if you’re unsure- ask your writing partner first. always.

pls be warned this is quite nsfw and straight up Filth. it also is written from my perspective as a cis-gender, pansexual woman.

IMPORTANT OOC STUFF:

always, always keep communication to your rp partner open. consent is sexy. especially with writing.

gauge the mood. if you suggest something to your writing partner and they just say ‘yeah’ or ‘ok’... don’t take it as 100% go ahead. sometimes people, especially in the rpc, will say yes just because they don’t know how to say no. an ENTHUSIASTIC YES is really really good and necessary!!!

vice versa, make sure you tell your partner if you’re not comfortable with something. if you said yes to begin with to writing a scene, but slowly u start feeling uncomfortable and weird... guess what? U CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND!!! I GUARANTEE U NOBODY WILL BE MAD! IF THEY ARE- DUMP THEM AS A WRITING PARTNER!  change your mind whenever u want, about whatever u want. writing is meant for u. its meant for u to be comfortable. ur lil safe kinky space, if u so wish it to be!

talk to ur partner. be their pal. be their fwend. writing smut can escalate v quickly, and if ur not an active talker to ur writing partner, then sometimes things can get misconstrued, or uncomfortable. even if it’s just a check in like ‘HEY HOW WAS UR DAY’ or ‘is what im writing ok????? i love when ur character does ___’ or idk. just be comfortable and friendly!!!

u don’t have to write paragraphs and paragraphs of smut. just.. give a lil detail though. give a lil smth to ur writing partner. like any other reply, just writing one sentence is not really enough for another writer to reply to.

GENERAL SEX TIPS THAT I’VE PICKED UP THAT HELP ME WITH WRITING:

anal is super popular and super wanted atm. i’m not going to say it’s a ‘trend’, bc it’s not really. but it’s definitely becoming more and more mainstream. this DOESN’T MEAN u have to do it / write it, but just know that most ppl atm are on the butt train (yahoo!). so.. yeah, expect anal to be a ~written abt thing or Wanted thing

other ‘popular’ kinks i’ve noticed atm (through fb groups im part of and just friends in general) are choking, and spanking. but this is NOT everybody’s kink. just bc it’s ‘popular’ doesn’t mean its right for ur character. kinky, rough sex is becoming more mainstream i’ve noticed.

a handjob is like.... not ever super wanted. it’s a handjob. it’s not the greatest thing in the world. as far as sexy things go, this is basic tier. a handjob is better than nothing, but i don’t rlly know anybody who actively wants a handjob.

same with fingering- look, fingering is fine, and it can get things in motion, but it’s really hard to orgasm from fingering. i’d say borderline impossible, but this is just from me (and, again, the gals in my lives) experience. fingering is GOOD as a beginning saucy movement, just like a handjob is good to begin with.. but climaxing from it is not Super Likely.

cum is messy and gets everywhere. everywhere. 

pre-cum is a thing. discharge is a thing. women getting wet is a thing. it’lll happen. it’s messy. it’s a lot sometimes, and it’s really.. slick (idk how else to explain it, but it helps with the MOVEMENT of things greatly). it’s good to write abt bc guess what? it means somebody is turned on! this is GOOD

look a ‘tight vagina’ or whatever u wanna call it, is not a Good Thing, bc it means a person isn’t turned on enough / wet enough

when writing basically anything about genitalia... use spit. oh my god use so much spit. be disgusting with how much spit is there, bc u need that as LUBE (unless ur writing ur characters using lube!!!)

write vocal characters. in my experience, nobody is ever 100% quiet during sexy times. if ur character is being touched in a way they like, trust me- they’ll be moaning. they’ll be rocking their hips. they’ll be whispering more, more, more, yeah, like that etc.

if writing rough sex, have a safe word for the characters ic. practice safe sex even with writing! safe words are rlly good bc they also actually help create a safe ooc environment too!! that way, if somebody doesnt want to say smth ooc, they can say it ic, and hopefully feel more comfortable 

write realistic sex. pls. write about the awkward noises. or the accidental wrong movement. or the laughing. sex isn’t always magnificent and beautiful. it’s clumsy and silly. and it’s fun to write it that way, bc.. look, smut is meant to be fun! so make it fun! write it as fun and silly and goofy as u want!!!!

yes cis-men have the prostate and its located in the butthole fdnjkfjkndf. but u can’t write ur character just shoving a finger in a butt. characters, just like people ooc, need to maintain communication before trying anything ‘new’ like that. safe sex everyone!!!

don’t go straight to what’s between the legs. neck kisses. nipples. breasts, back scratch, dirty talk... this is all VERY IMPORTANT to foreplay. don’t ever use write ur characters diving on in, especially not to female muses bc female bodies work v differently. we need waRMING UP! we need a lil teasing.

write hand movement! write where your characters hands are. are they carded through hair? are they gripping sheets? are they clawing at someone’s back? digging into scalps? hands are ALWAYS doing something.

writing about shaving / hair down there is not super necessary, but u do u.

involuntary noises / movements happen a lot when smth is GOOD during foreplay. gasps. moans. cries. hips jolting. mouth falling open. 

foreplay is so SO important before sex. in real life, and in smut. if i write with someone and they go STRAIGHT to writing sex, no foreplay, im like ... hewwo ?? this just isn’t realistic, and my coochie clenches. 

when writing... make ur characters ask the dumb qs u’d probably ask real life. ‘should i get a condom?’ ‘are you on anything?’ ‘did that hurt?’  ‘can i cum in you?’ ffjnkf u get what i mean? i hope.

cis men do cum pretty quickly, especially compared to women. 

showers are fine for sexy times, but WATER is NOT lubricant.

READ FAN FICTION. there’s some really really good fan fiction out there, and it actually does help with ur own writing 

if a character likes something and says ‘yeah’ or ‘like that’... that doesn’t mean necessarily to write another character ‘speeding up’ or getting rougher. if somebody likes something ‘like that’, then keep it ‘like that’, or pick up the pace a little as encouragement. 

WRITING HAND JOBS / FINGERING:

finger movement on the outside of a vagina is just as important as finger movement on the inside. sometimes it can be more important, bc some people are more sensitive on the outside. (i’m not using technical terms bc nothing abt this post is technical or medical lmao)

if u don’t use lube or spit on ur hand when giving a penis a handjob.. it’ll probably hurt the person a little and be rough and not very Easy on either party

a handjob can be pretty fuckin awkward (i’ve been told + found personally). it’s just two people lying / sitting there, with one hand uncomfortably angled to jack off another person. it’s probably the most silent of all foreplay things which is why every person i know (female, male, cis, non cis) hate handjobs. 

ur hand and fingers might cramp a little if ur fingering a female, and the movements might get a little clumsy, but thats OKAY TOO!!! 

the angle of ur hand when fingering is important. if ur just shoving it down some pants/  trousers, it doesn’t leave a lot of movement so it won’t be super Great. under a skirt, or better yet- naked, makes things a LOT easier bc u have more Room.

write about the fingers. write about them moving up and down. don’t just rub them over the clit, or have them inside a vagina. that’s not exactly how it works. we need some pressure. we need a little rub. mainly near the clitoris or on the actual clitoris itself

don’t ever start by writing fast movements. u gotta write about building a motion and speed. start slow, then speed it up. 

fingering: circular motions over near the clit slowly, then a liiiiittle faster. stroking motions up and down. moving up towards the clit properly, then back down and slowly inserting a finger. then pull the finger out. repeat. keep each movement slow and deliberate and teasing. fdjkndfbnjkdfjnk graphic, i know. but. i mean. that’s a good first foreplay move i’ve found ???

handjob: thumb over the tip first as a lil tease, then slowly roll your hand in a fist motion all the way down the length (keep ur arm in a ‘straight’ movement.) then back up. twist ur hand, especially near the tip. move a little faster if ur lubed up enough, and then u can even give a lil ball squeeze if ur feeling courageous. keep that movement going. the FASTER ur hand moves, the more close somebody will get to orgasm, bc for them it’s sometimes all abt friction. 

starting with fingering / a hand job is like the first step of a dance usually. start with hands and fingers, THEN rock on baby, to --

WRITING ORAL SEX:

as previously mentioned, use a LOT of spit or lube. slick that bitch up.

cis-women are never wet constantly. ever. in fact, u can get dry pretty quickly again, so it’s not uncommon to write abt somebody spitting ‘down there’, just like u’d spit on a penis when giving a blowjob. 

most cis-men like their balls being played with a lil. so.. dfjnknj write about balls. i know it can be awkward and weird and the word ‘BALLS’ is not sexy. just try mention some movement there. some playing, or squeezing, or whatever word u feel comfortable using. especially during blowjobs. it’s just a good thing to do if u don’t know what to do with ur hands. don’t go crazy and just grab balls really roughly. 

if ur writing about a blowjob on a penis, deepthroating is never gonna happen straight off the bat. u gotta warm up ur throat a little, get ur throat to relax inch by inch, and not gag a lot. i promise u can’t just shove a whole dick down ur throat, unless u have the gag reflex of a porn star.

BUT also. write gagging. gagging happens a lot with blowjobs. i’ve never blown a guy who hasn’t loved the sound of gagging / choking a little 

jaws ache from oral. it’s a lot of the same movements and exertion, and YEAH IT CAN HURT UR JAW

tongues are ur best friend. a tongue should definitely be mentioned when writing oral on ANYONE.

write about hands AND mouth when writing oral. (use fingers and tongue when writing about going down on a female, and use hand in a fist movement around penis, when writing a blowjob, bc gripping with ur hand what ur mouth can’t reach yet is a+)

when writing a blowjob, focus on balls, yes- but also mention the tip. it’s sensitive for most guys, so a lil swirl of the tongue, or a suck or whatever... that’s good usually!!!

when writing going down on a female- move the tongue a lot. over the clit. then back down. use ur whole damn mouth and get messy. some ppl have a sensitive clit and direct movement onto it can be a lil overwhelming / overstimulating / painful, so yes- clit is good, but it can also be a little too much for some ppl!

write about lips. when going down on someone, lips also create sensations. it’s not the same as TONGUE, obviously, but it’s still soft and warm and it’s definitely something u feel. 

if ur writing about eating a girl out: tongues can be soft and flat, or they can a little pointy when u tense them. alternating between these 2 movements can be rlly good and pleasurable. starting soft and flat near the clit is good, before moving down to stick ur tongue in a little, and move it / wiggle it. but trust me - most of the action should be SOFT especially near the clit, bc it’s sensitive.

if you’re writing about a blowjob: suction. and moving quickly. hollow out those cheeks, and write about the tongue moving as the mouth does. suck hard, but not like.... ur character isn’t a vaccuum cleaner. they should suck ‘eagerly’ or whatever, and use their hand and tongue to help them out. trust me ur jaw will lock / hurt, u cannot suck a dick for like an hour. 

if u deepthroat a penis enough, ur voice can get pretty fucked up sounding, but i’ve never had it last longer than the next day or so. it just sounds like u’ve got a cold / sore throat (and thats bc u do)

some people just don’t like oral. some people aren’t comfortable in their bodies and can’t get out of their minds when it comes to it- which is super understandable. it’s a very intimate, close thing, bc hello -somebody is staring at ur genitalia basically. so hey, if u don’t wanna write it / don’t like it, then that’s completely chill too!

you don’t have to write about ‘the taste’. in fact, it’s absolutely ok and i’d prefer if u don’t bc i personally think that gets a bit weird. u can mention there IS a taste, but u don’t have to get into particulars bc that can get kinda icky. like ... it’s genitalia. we all know it won’t taste like a peach or whatever.

cis-women orgasm from oral sex, i think sometimes more often than they orgasm from actual penetrative sex? this is based off things i’ve read, and again, my own experience. 

oral sex can take a loooong ass time to reach orgasm sometimes. it’s barely ever a two-reply-thread piece. it’s always gonna be longer then that, if ur writing it realistically. sometimes reaching climax during oral, for any gender, can take anywhere up to an hour ??? if we’re being generous ??? again, cis men are more likely to cum first, BUT good oral sex can be dragged on for a while, for anybody. 

WRITING ASS / ANAL STUFF:

im gonna say it straight up. yes. it kinda feels like pooping almost when somebody fingers ur butt. but in a weirdly.. good way. idk how to describe it. 

getting fingered in the ass is SLOW work.  a finger will NOT just go in, especially not DRY. u need saliva / lube. you need the other person to be relaxed, or breathing, and u need to coax them through it all.

u don’t really know whats going on back there if ur on the receiving end. like. u can’t TELL by feeling on what’s going on. real talk: a guy fingered me once and i thought it was two fingers, but it was 3, and then later- when he put his dick in it was fine as well bc he’d relaxed me and gotten me to feel rlly comfortable and Safe. so TRUST me thats important when writing butt stuff. i can’t stress it enough.

it feels Strained. like it isn’t necessarily painful the entire time, but u can FEEL very full. so yeah, nobody is gonna have a finger in their ass and then immediately be ready for another, or be bouncing back , knuckle deep. u need a lot of patience and time for this.

if ur a cis-female... butt stuff is Fine, but its not a way to achieve orgasm, bc honestly there’s nothing stimulating u. it feels nice and the Roughness can be a kink, but u probably won’t orgasm / cum from it

use a lot of spit and a LOT of lube

u can’t just shove a dick / multiple fingers in someones ass either. u gotta stretch it out. take ur time. it literally can take an hour + sometimes more to get someone relaxed and stretched out enough. the amount of spit / lube and fingering needed is ridiculous

when it comes to ass stuff- make sure ur character is BREATHING in order to relax their muscles. everytime they’re relaxed, everything moves easier (this just goes for sex stuff in general too!)

eating ass is a thing, and look- ur not meant to ‘douche’ regularly bc apparently it’s bad for u. so if ur writing abt anal / butt stuff, u do NOT need to write abt anything poopy related or any of the douching stuff. its a silent rule, just like in real life. we don’t talk abt it djknfgnkjd

honestly, the overall feeling of Butt Stuff is just one of being Full and a lil Stretched, and if ur into Pain / a very different feeling then it’s a Good Feeling bc it just is all abt trusting n putting ur body in someone else’s hands (and fingers)

getting ur ass eaten feels warmer / more pleasurable than fingers bc a tongue in general is just nicer and softer then fingers are. 

spread them cheeks, boys, girls and non gender conforming folk

if ur gonna touch a cis-girls ass with ur tongue or fingers or anything... pls make sure ur stimulating her clit at the same time. i promise that can make things speed up in terms of relaxation and pleasure v quickly.

always ask a cis-male before going near his ass (but also in general, always ask before doing anything), especially rlly Straight Dudes bc they get SUPER defensive abt their own ass being touched 

anal stuff can be GREAT for foreplay just bc it’s a bit risque and it’s a bit Rougher and Harder just bc it’s a tighter hole. so, honestly yeah a lil finger in the ass whilst being eaten out isn’t terrible, or being fingered there at the same time as being fingered elsewhere can  also feel pretty Spicy, depending on ur taste

for cis-men, butt stuff  can be a  VERY quick way to orgasm. especially if ur blowing them / stroking them at the same time

anal / ass stuff isn’t for everyone. don’t write it if ur not comfortable. don’t do it if ur not comfortable. 

WRITING AN ORGASM:

the body shakes, tenses, spasms and generally loses a little bit of control

ur grip turns very intense and Harsh

back arching is a Thing

hands yanking at hair is a Thing

for when a cis-man orgasms... it can happen quite suddenly, but it’ll be a little twitch, and u can FEEL them tense. fast movement is what usually gets them to orgasm Quicker, i’ve found. 

for everybody else, i feel like it can be harder to achieve orgasm, but when it happens- your legs get all tense and squeeze the SHIT out of the head between them, and u definitely make some noise. orgasm can just happen, and sometimes with women especially.. it’s kinda easier to fake orgasm bc there’s never truly a Way To Tell physically???? this could be entirely wrong, of course, but there’s SO MUCH discussion and research based on the female orgasm that i feel like i can’t write anything abt it here bc it’s SO different for everyone.

just follow the general rule: ‘you’ll know when it happens’. ‘you’ll know when you know’. 

orgasms won’t always happen. it can get CLOSE but not happen, and it’s not always some big disappointing, ‘blue-balls’ event. it happens, or it doesn’t. sometimes u can write amazing head, and the other character won’t cum, and u know what? that’s ok too.

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

[dreamlikeapsycho]

I saw the max facts (pun intended 😂) you did for that question a while ago. So I was wondering if maybe you could tell us some more facts about Max it doesn’t have to be anything too detailed but anything you know would be nice to know, pretty please 😊

Okay... RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MAX - PART 2

I went on deep analysis mode this time to try and say all of Max's little nice and cute moments I know of.. Pls take notice, tho!! I'm not trying to flex or anything, I'm just a simple peasant girl on Maximilian's kingdom for a long time and it happens I have FBI blood in my veins 😭 so It's all gather on my brain and hard drive lol SO! I'm just answering this ask with a lot of thought and care so you can know more about Max and how he is even more awesome than you think!!! (And just in text form, cause Max doesn't need to be tagged on more personal stuff on IG (there’s too much illegal fishing at my tumblr pond already! 👏). It’s probably weird to know certain things, yes, but at least I'm respectful, I'll never bother him with this kind of stuff). Well, enjoy the bible below to end up knowing very little about him, still haha.. Just some more small facts.

- Max was at a barbecue just yesterday. It was someones birthday from the set of his new movie. He drank his beer, like usual, idk about the meat.. there was wurst and chicken.. I'm not sure if he's trying to be a vegetarian or not (after that thoughtful video he posted) 🤔.. maybe he didn't eat it, I don't know!!

- a little while before the start of this shooting, he was at the Baltic Sea filming for the series he's gonna be in (just one episode again! Don't get your hopes too high lol he's gonna be a security guard who disappears mysteriously, so....)

- He helped his friend renovate his house a few weeks ago!! How could I forget that on the first post.. Then, he had to go to Hesse for the movie shooting, and his friend had to call another friend to come help him lmao damn

I think I could describe some videos I have then... at least there's some cool and funny stuff. (Friends himself tagged in the past and cast friends)

- Max's dad went to the same uni as him. Also, he voiced a police officer on the phone in a short film Max wrote and directed all by himself (he didn't act on it, but he was also another police officer over the phone haha). Another thing, his dad made the official music for one of his plays.

- The falafel day.. his friend was taking a piss filming Max at the shop from afar and zooming in, saying "omg, guys! I found Noah from Dark! He's right there buying falafel" lmao, then, Max is just standing there looking all wonderful with his perfect hair and such, moving his hands, scratching his chin, ordering his food, and his friend talks some more, doing like a rough Max voice "yeah yeah, I'll have that one. Good, yeah". 😂

- the day he went to take a walk in nature. His friend asks him for a cigarette, he is denied, he goes to take it anyway, Max slams his cup of tea on the table and tries to take his cigarette back and it's all black and they're just laughing lmao (I love his laugh btw, so giggly!)

There was storys posted by Max himself.. so, maybe you saw it, but it's from before dark s3 came out.

- The pigeon storys. He filmed two pigeons chasing each other at the station, one always running from the other and he captioned "me trying to flirt" haha

- He screen recorded an ad for an app that deletes people from pictures and made some joke too, I can't remember exactly what he wrote, smt like "when you break up, but still wants to keep the picture" lol also, he unfollowed like 5 people that week after posting that... hm 👀

- he posted a video of him walking in the dark with really cold wind.. you can only see his hair flying around. Also, with a mask on, another chasing a cat in a big field, and that one drinking his coffee and eating his yogurt (you most likely saw it already)

- Ohh.. His friend was playing Max's drums the other day!!! Made a lot of jokes, it was obvious he was messing around in Max's room (maybe they live together, maybe he just waters the plants lol idk). Some of the jokes were "I've been playing this drums since 1921" and "the drums and me are a perfect pair, don't ever believe otherwise". I wonder what Max said to him.. he can't do anything about it, he's not in Berlin hahah. He has a little giraffe in his room, and other home decors (you can see it on his drumming video on his own IG)

- he likes to read on longer train rides.

- there's a video of him screaming inside a wardrobe after being jumped by a friend and one of him putting lipstick on with the song "I'm a sexy motherfucker" playing in the background hehe we was tagged, it was easy to find when there wasn't much tagged post.

- There's moments of ppl filming something/themselves and he just comes and photobombs it lol he is just like thiss 👏 showing his tongue and doing a funny face and such. One of those I saw it on the IG of a Das Boot cast member I actually already followed before.

- this group was such a blast. There's a few pictures, one of them he's in a dress, he has white stockings on til his thighs, heels and all haha lovely

- His improv-group.. he was almost in tears singing "I believe I can fly" with the group on their last day.. But he was happy! A mix of emotions. He loves everyone, he expresses his love a lot to people in general, he says it and adds heart emojis to make sure haha you can see his comments going on IG of his cast friends, especially from Das Boot (I followed a lot of the guys). So, about always commenting something funny on people's posts.. I didn't saved those, so I forgot most of it, but one I remember was that someone posted a video of a hailstorm and he was like "what are u doing, free ice!! Go grab them" hahaha

- Max has that Noah picture where he's peaking by a wall (you know that one Baran posted) printed and framed! 👏

- Things he’s pretty much always with: his backpack and his big headphones (it's always on his neck. At almost every picture, from every year, with different people etc. I was confused when he had normal headphones at his farm storys. Maybe he forgot them in Berlin 😭. Besides those, his rings, necklaces and bracelets (always, for years and years! Same ones, even). He uses frequently on premieres, as I saw it. Sometimes they also show up on his characters in his one-episode works!! Hahah is so nice when that happens. You can notice this on my screencaps.

- that pic of him that is everywhere now (with glasses, holding a bottle of champagne), I posted that months ago.. There's 2 more pics and 1 video. One pic, he is pretending the automatic lighter that's on the table is a Harry Potter wand (but I think I cropped the table, right.. I can't remember). This was actually posted by Max himself and he tagged his friend who took it. I went to see if they posted smt and there was a picture where he is literally biting the cork of that bottle off with his teeth Lmaoo, and one video.. he is talking on the phone trying to block the view with his feet.. this man!!

- he really doesn't care about buying too much unnecessary clothes and shoes and stuff. He is mindful of his things and the environment!! 

- there's a video of him on the set of Der Zauberlehrling, I need to recall where I got that from (maybe I could share this one. I'm not sure), he is messing with the broom and someone asks him "hey Max, what's that animal?" and points to the fluffy microphone. He says "it's a fucked up coala bear" (in english) 😂

Again.. I can't say names or anything, cause ppl are not mindful! Like.. I know I'm probably weird, but only for myself and my FBI office LOL I don't go over there and follow/reply to all these people’s posts and storys or take their videos and tag Max on them, this is just not.... nah. I'll always be respectful (yeah, some older stuff has gifs, cause he had like 10k followers, and 5 fans on tumblr lol But i never sent/tag him in anything personal directly.. that’s why i only posted on tumblr for the past year, in fact! I never thought things would be the way they are now a year later.. so, newer stuff it's not posted/gif nor ever will). I don't want him to be weirded out and like, disappear from IG!! I think about these things.. when people are being weird and stuff towards him. I don’t know how ppl don’t think about this when tagging him recklessly in random pictures and videos!!!

I wish he had more interviews, so we could know more proper stuff about him. (The few interviews he has are translated on my IG highlight. There's still an 8min interview missing there, cause I'm contemplating about being more of a bother to german speaking people, since I only have basic german..

[aethele]

god ur post is so good.... i think the only reason ferdie can leave her in silver snow is bc ss already has so little appeal being an almost vw copy paste that itd be like “and heres THREE characters you lose!” ): sacrifices made i guess

i have a lot of Opinions on silver snow and i personally have a very strong CF / VW lean,   but i definitely feel like from a  “““choice based”””  ( pseudo-choice based ?  as it is none of your choices matter except the easily-missable CF one )  game perspective,   as a professional writer currently working on a choice-based rpg,   i really think you SHOULD have been punished more for abandoning your student. 

just like how lorenz and ashe will ditch ya in other routes,   i really think some beagles kids should have ditched you in silver snow.   like,  ya know,  consequences.   it would have been way more dramatic from a storytelling perspective,   having to live with your choices and fight your former students.   of course some of them have very valid reasons for leaving the empire  ---  petra for example  ---  but there should have been more.

i think ferdinand because:

he loves the empire.   in VW he says there’s a hole in his heart that will never be filled after you sack the empire,   and he’s super depresso in non-CF routes.

adrestia is already on rocky terms with the church,   and ferdinand himself says that religion shouldn’t be forced upon people ever.   so why on earth would he side with a church when he’s prime-minister-to-be of an empire that already thinks it has too much authoritative power ???  especially one set on destroying the empire ????  his home ?????

his dialogue just feels so bizarrely out of place since  in every other route  he is one of the most sympathetic characters to edelgard.   he talks about continuing her legacy after she dies !   he tries to get her to leave in VW so they don’t have to kill her !   but in silver snow every other line from every character is about how she’s just gotta die.   it just doesn’t make sense for him imo. 

he hates corrupt nobles.   that’s like,  the crux of his entire character.   he has some disagreements with edelgard,   but at the end of the day they have very very very similar ideals.   he clearly dislikes the current system and wants reform.   ever read the last line of their paired ending ???  “Their children,  born to those who had torn down the old social hierarchy,  were encouraged to choose their own paths.”   that’s good kush right there

it just would have made sense for edelgard.   she wants to get rid of ludwig,   ferdie wants to get rid of ludwig,   and ferdie becomes duke aegir / head of his house after ludwig is unseated.   house aegir is the most powerful of the great noble houses.   given her character and her hatred of TWS,   you would think she would prefer ferdinand retain his own house than hand it over to arundel  ( and look what happens there ! ).   plus it’s the only house / territory she outright seizes ?   ferdinand himself is the one who explains that she jailed count varley and allowed his wife to take over instead.   why wouldn’t she extend that to ferdinand ?   

ferdinand says he left because he didn’t want to be her puppet but i find it very odd that he would just abandon his own people and territory like that.  he has basically dedicated his life to them and talks nonstop about how true nobles serve their people before themselves.   he also sees it as his entire life’s purpose to guide edelgard and correct her when she is on the wrong course of action.   in every single route he chastises dimitri’s retainers for being poor retainers and not stepping in and correcting dimitri.   but then HE abandons edelgard ???   it makes no sense.  the prime minister’s entire purpose is to act as a balance against the emperor and he tells hubert that’s why he’s always challenging edelgard as her retainer.  and clearly in CF he is able to mitigate a lot of internal damage to the empire bc he prevents an entire rebellion in hrym.   if you don’t recruit him in other routes,   dorothea calls him a dog for staying with edelgard and he replies  “I will not try to explain my duty or hers. You would not understand.”  he clearly sees it as his duty to stay at edelgard’s side and challenge her to make sure she makes the right choices !  AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

anyway that’s why i don’t write him in silver snow.   out of the non-CF routes,  i think he fits best in VW.   the church stuff and lack of sympathy toward edelgard in silver snow just does not mesh with my interpretation of ferdie  ( of course other ppl are welcome to their own interpretations ).  thank u for reading my essay  

[heroquills-a]

s1lentsnip3r replied to your post: hmmmmmmmmmm……….. i feel like doing a random mun...

bet

cracks knuckles.

@s1lentsnip3r @chaosmixed @metallumdash 

words can’t describe how impressed i am by how much you bring your muses to life bwaze. i used to like, not really give a darn heck about metal sonic at all? but after that first thread we had where sonic and proxy got into a fight, i was immediately hooked. you just do such an incredible job at fleshing out characters that i otherwise wouldn’t have really thought much of before and you just have this unique and interesting spin on them that feels fresh. i love the way you play the chao and whisper’s wisps and atia is just a little gremlin but i love them so much, and i’ve literally never seen anyone play chaos before. you just have this way of utilizing that potential that your characters and concepts have and it’s just really awesome to watch. i love it. absolutely a stellar roleplayer. absolutely stellar mun!!

@skyfcx @masterprotector @cosmcther

ties you to a chair. listen here little mister. youre probably one of the OG ppl in this rpc that i’ve lowkey looked up to since first joining. you’ve already heard it plenty of times already but your writing is just ?? stellar ?? from the way you use colorful idioms, expressions, metaphors, to how you capture movement and action in such an engaging way. it’s always a treat to read. the way you portray your muses is just always spot on and i love how seamlessly you capture their mannerisms and speech patterns. your headcanons for tails and knuckles just make me so giddy they just feel so right for their characters, and as far as rosalina goes--- while i know next to nothing about the mario franchise or this character in particular i’m still intrigued enough to peek in on what she’s up to every now and then. over all, you’re a rad roleplayer and a fun person to chat with ooc !! 

@chaosbcrne 

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. i adore how you write shadow. i’m constantly blown away by how authentic he always feels and how realistic you write him while still remaining accurate and true to his character. like i legit cannot even think of any other place or media i’ve seen besides the games themselves (before sega started botching up his character anyway) where he’s portrayed as accurately as you write him. you manage to balance the serious, aloof, hostile side of him with his playful, competitive, smug side AND the inner naive, almost child like side almost perfectly. and then there’s more, because you add so much depth to him and realistically expand on so many unexplored facets of his character and his roots !! you can just tell this is a character who’s endured so many hardships and is still trying to recover and move on, and despite everything that’s hardened him into the person he is today he still has that innocent curiosity about the world and it makes me so emo every. single. time. you just put so much work into him and it shows, from your icons to your headcanon posts, to even the most minute detail. even when you host events you just go So Hard at it you’re literally out here setting the standard dude. and don’t even get me started on your writing style. i was hooked by the very first thread we did, i felt like i could never hold a candle to it honestly. just. the way you narrate shadow’s feelings and thoughts, how you capture his actions, his movement, his speech patterns, is just so good. and your vocabulary is so colorful and rich. just. hgnfhg its top tier content ALRIGHT you inspire me to push myself and to keep improving all the time and i have to say i couldn’t ask for a better writing partner. i love you so much eph 💕💕💕

@1110-01111011

hello yes trikey i love your omega so much. i’ve never really thought much of the death bot before but seeing all the headcanons and fleshing out you do for him just makes him so much more interesting and fascinating. down to the most intrinsic detail you put in for him it’s just really cool to see and adds so much to him that just !! i love it man. every time i think abt omega now my mind just automatically goes back to your portrayal because he is Just omega. i appreciate all the depth you add to him and his relationships to the rest of his team, it’s so pleasing to see and really helps solidify how strong team dark’s dynamic truly is..... not to mention your art is hecking gorgeous??? like damn dude, goals. anyway,, thank u for the blessed omega content. absolutely 10/10

@coolxnxblue @oforbis @hcrofraid @mastcrplanncr @powderbluestreaks

toxi i immediately fell in love with your sonic the first time we ever interacted. you just capture his sass so well, i just could not stop giggling that first night. he’s still my favorite sonic in this rpc, to be honest. and don’t even get me started on your other muses. it still baffles me how you manage to take on such a huge raster of characters yet manage to flesh them out all so well. every one of them feels so evenly developed and solid and just like bwaze you make me care about characters that i otherwise wouldn’t have before. i feel like i have a huge newfound appreciation for eggman bc of you and unsurprisingly he’s now my fave eggman on here hands down. and it goes without saying your writing is just, phenomenal. you capture dialogue so beautifully, the way you narrate on the feelings your characters are experiencing is engaging, to the point i’m lowkey intimidated by it sometimes LMAO. also your AUs are just rad as hell? and rlly interesting?? and your art style too ????? 10/10 roleplayer, i just think youre neat.

@antibadnik @godcontained

hey you? yes you. i love your muses so much. i especially love how you write amy, to be honest. she’s been my favorite character since forever and like?? you do just such a good job with her? i appreciate that you choose not to erase her intense affection for sonic, because more often than not i see people tone it way down to almost non-existent and it really is just such a big part of her character. i like the way you delve into that mindset of her’s, and expand on it and how it affects her. i also just. love your writing too. you just have this way of conveying feeling in your writing that’s always a punch to the gut you can feel it that hard. your headcanons for elise are really interesting too and definitely nothing i’ve actually seen before, what with how her powers work and how having to go emotionally dormant has effected her after all this time.  also, i love ava. she is baby. it’s so cool getting to see a mute character!! all in all, its just good content man. god i love football.

@team-phantom @heartfelt-silver

pandaaaa i adore you !!! you were like my first friend in this heckin rpc. all of our dash shenanigans always have me wheezing and i just love your boys so much. i can certainly say without a shadow of a doubt that zero is one of my favorite takes on infinite. its hard to believe that he’s the same jackal who almost completely helped eggman take over the world--- he’s just come so far, he seamlessly fits into the rest of the cast. i adore how he works off of his team, and all their own unique little quirks that set them apart from each other. your headcanons and lore for your muse is just so sweet. and god i can’t get enough of your art?? your doodles always are a blessing to see ;-; i always appreciate you youre just such a sweet and kind mun, you’re so welcoming of ppl here and have this way of making ppl feel at home in this community. it absolutely wouldn’t be the same without you. keep it up <3

@lightdash @heartlop @enrichedheart

YOU. yes you. ame you’re so freakin’ cool and sweet. you’re always so nice and welcoming to people in the rpc it’s always a treat getting the chance to talk to you !! you’re another one of those peeps i look up to in this community TBH and youre muses are just portrayed and written so well!! i can just tell you’ve poured many years of thought, consideration, and work into your muses to the point that they’re just so finely tuned. i love the aesthetic you utilize for you blogs, from your icons to just the way you go about formatting your threads? and not to mention, your art style ??? is just so cute ??? ngl i lowkey wanna collab with you one of these days bc i just adore how you draw the sonic cast ;_; thank you for being a part of this rpc !! you’re wonderful !

@projectlightfox

moggg you’re so nice and chill to talk to. i love volt and harmony so much... they fit in really good with sonic world and mesh well with just about any characters i’ve seen them interact with so far--- even if its someone they don’t get along with. i’ve said it before but theyre just a really charming little duo and im always happy to see them on my dashboard. i love the overall aesthetic they got going, two travelers roaming the world from dimension to dimension. harmony is just a little bundle of precious fluffy joy and her interactions with sonic always make me cry. and volt--- he’s such a good dad !! he’s a really neat character and i’m certainly interested in learning more about the both of them. and as i said, you’re a rad person to talk to, i appreciate how welcoming and supportive you are of people. and your art style? absolutely adorable. thank you for being in this rpc ;-;

@dieviskais @solfading 

king!! i’ve never seen anyone write the way you do, choosing to shift the view point onto the reader as if they themselves are the muse. it’s such a unique and interesting way to look into your muse’s mindsets and express how they are feeling and what they’re doing. your take on silver is very fresh compared to the way he’s typically written. i appreciate you don’t take the baby silver uwu route like don’t get me wrong he IS baby but he’s not a baby. you certainly have really neat headcanons surrounding his backstory and how he grew up, it’s nice to see the grim reality of his harsh bleak life being represented. it’s good !! your other muses are intriguing too and i’m eager to learn more about them. i love auburn?? he’s a really cool oc dude his aesthetic and powers are A+. and you know, i may be terrible at expressing it but you’re a delight to talk to!! never feel bad or discouraged for popping into my dms i honestly appreciate the company ;-; thank u for being u

@orbviously / @cubeviously

THESE TWO BOTS. i love them so much. literally every time i see orbot or cubot now in any context i just think back to your portrayal of them hebby, they’re just so dang spot on and good. i love how you go about interacting with people with these two tbh it never fails to make me giggle. i love your art style too it’s just pleasing to look at! you have so many creative AUs for these bots i’m honestly impressed by how much you manage to create with these guys man--- from their human/bot designs to their mobianbot designs theyre just so cool ?? even your other muses are always entertaining to watch regardless of what fandom theyre from youre just so fun to interact with. and just, you’re always a pleasure to talk to ooc, youre always putting a smile on my face! youre awesome hebby 

@fishing-purple-cat

yes hi. sunny your take on big is so blessed. you’ve done so much justice for him. i’ve always really liked big tbh but i just love how much depth you put into his character, his backstory and his mannerisms. i love that you like,, actually give him a personality outside being a slow thinker. i can tell you’ve really developed your writing style with him, it speaks volumes about how much work you really put into writing him and it shows? heck, you even go the extra mile to draw your own icons and hang on i need a second to gush about your art because holy DAMN dude. your anatomy and painting abilities are nothing short of impressive--- especially your nack for painting backgrounds. i srsly gotta commission you at some point when i’m able to, heck. anyway, the rpc certainly wouldn’t be the same without you here

@lnfinitc

dude i love your take on infinite. he’s just about everything he should have been in forces, and even more. i love how malicious and intimidating you write him and your take on his speech patterns is just straight up eye-candy. i love your writing style, its so flavorful and rich--- your headcanons and lore on how infinite works is just astounding. and i like how you incorporate your drawings into your replies or threads too like even if its just icons your style is so heckin pretty ?? gosh dang. i’m definitely looking forward to interacting more in the future bc ur muse is just really fun and you seem like such a rad person !!

@pistolbitten

uhhh hello yes... while we haven’t interacted very much so far i JUST GOTTA SAY, i super enjoy your take on fang. from what i can tell he’s very well-rounded and fleshed out and a really interesting villain. i may or may not’ve been lowkey paying attention to that angel’s thesis thread you were doing w bwaze and aaron and i gotta say. holy damn. fang just done FUCKED UP. im certainly looking forward to him and shade interacting lmao. your writing style is so good too hh... just yeah i don’t have a whole lot to say if only because we haven’t interacted as much as i have with some of the other ppl on here BUT i certainly am looking forward to bc you seem cool. i’m loving what i’m seeing so far. have nack shoot sonic. DO IT.

@mobian-merc @funis-infinite 

duuuudeeee. i’ll be honest i was super intimidated by you at first asdkjsah i don’t even know why i was ??? but like. you’re so hecking nice and fun to talk to ;_; scourge is an actual literal dipshit yet you manage to make him very likable and you have such a fun take on him. i’ve always been a little conflicted on the character tbh because of how popular he is and he seems like the type i’d like but i knew nothing about him and was kinda put off by the over hype sometimes, but honestly? your portrayal won me over. i love him now. he’s so stupid and hE’S GREAT. your infinite also seems so cool too i gotta hecking respond to that starter you made me when i get the chance, im looking forward to infinite & sonic just. talking and sassing eachother probably. i really like your writing style too!!! and your icons are absolutely gorgeous ok. alright, that is all.

@flyinginfreedom

uhhhhhhh hello i love your rouge so much ???? she’s literally so cool... you capture her aesthetic and over all mysterious yet cunning vibe perfectly and it’s just always a pleasure to see her on my dash. i loved her interactions with sonic during eph’s roadtrip event so much. your headcanons just feel so her and spot on, and you still manage to add so much depth and personality to her i just love it so much. i love your blog’s aesthetic down to the icons, and even the way you format your threads. over all just a stellar rouge blog and a really cool & chill mun!!

@rosehammcr @antihedgehog

hi rosie uhm i love your amy so much ok. she’s such a sweet heart, i love how you incorporate her tarot cards ?? it’s literally so cool... and the accuracy on those readings is shocking. she’s just such a sweet heart god i’m getting emo thinking abt her tbh like amy is !! one of my fave characters and !! you write her so well !! and your eggman too, god he’s incredible. i love how sinister yet goofy he can be he’s just a perfect combination of intimidating and silly. your takes on orbot and cubot also bring a smile to my face and i love how you incorporate them into your interactions!! you also just seem like a rlly rad person and i’d love to interact more !! yeah !

@a-wind-of-freedom

yuniiiiiiIII !!  you’re such a sweet heart and your sonic is too. i’ve never seen someone play sonic the way you do before and it’s certainly interesting and unique !! you’ve got so many neat an thought out verses and AUs too, theyre all really intriguing !  our interactions with our sonics are always rlly blessed tbh starlight is just precious. i always appreciate getting to work with you as well for commission stuff, you’ve really been helping me out in that regard. plus you give me something artistic to work on and the chance to push my talents ! ;-; all in all you’re just a really sweet person and have a kind aura about you ! ;;

@champiionic

clears throat. hi yes you’ve been one of my fave sonics since day one. you’re just so creative with your muse its honestly impressive how many things you’ve able to come up with for sonic. from the portrayal you bring to the table down to your muse aesthetic its always just spot on you’ve got the blue speedster’s whole vibe down to a T. and your writing is just ? kisses my fingers. beautiful. your sonic is just so dang authentic, seeing him on my dash is always a pleasant sight. and i know this post is namely about sonic rpc muns & muses but i already love bubbles and blossom. i used to watch powerpuff girls when i was rlly little so its a real nostalgia trip to see them on my dashboard.

@hcpebloom @rcsebloom

bunny !! ur heckin sweet.. i love ur amy so much HSDFHDJ she’s just so soft. and unique too!! your headcanons for her are just so cute and make her stand out in her own way and i just appreciate that yo. and i admittedly don’t know a whole lot about cosmo since i havent really watched that far into sonic x but you’ve certainly got my attention with her. we just gotta interact more man ur muses are so precious !! ;_; 

@fortruechaos 

you !! your shadow is so good dude ! your portrayal of him is just so hecking accurate,, i highly appreciate how noble you write him to be. he’s serious, he’s prickly, but he’s got the world’s best interest at heart and it makes my heart do the fluttery thing. your writing is so good too gosh. no to mention youre just so hecking nice ??? youre just overall a rlly sweet mun & i appreciate your presence here in the rpc

@glittcrngcld @livelifc

hey fretcher ? ily. your muses are just so good from your canon characters to your ocs, i just love them sm?? and your ART? i swoon every time i see your doodles on my dash i’m still not over those doodles of lilly and azure ;-; not to mention your edits are scarily good like shit dude teach me your ways. your takes on your muses are awesome man i love ur sonic he’s such a MEME. and elise !!! she makes me so emo god. thank u for your blessed portrayals of these characters ! @elektrisch-felidae​

YOU. precious is just, precious?? HAH. i love her, she’s so cool tbh. she’s so chill and laid back and seems like the kinda cool cat sonic can totally vibe with. you yourself are also rlly chill and fun to interact with--- even if we haven’t much so far. its no secret i just love sonic ocs so much and precious is just awesome. i love the idea of electricity powers. absolutely need to have sonic hang with her more ;;

@coldheartbeauty 

SPEAKING of cool cats with cool powers, i love raven. her sass is just super entertaining to see on the dashboard tbh. i have to see her and sonic get into a sass off one of these days. her powers are also really cool too ? she reminds me of blaze in a sense, but just completely different in her own right. i also just hella love your art style its so cute, your doodles are always adorable to see!! 

INHALES. ok. im done. if i missed anyone i am so sorry i ran out of steam. thank you all so much for making this rpc such an entertaining, dynamic, and creative place to be !!! 

[giantchasm]

Antimatter Aguri AU Masterpost

Sack has entirely too many AUS about Aguri? Sack has entirely too many AUs about Aguri!

Anyway. I decided to finally make a post explaining this AU to the general fandom, since I’m proud of it and not sure I’ll ever get around to entirely writing a fic based on it. So I may as well share the concepts.

Have you ever wanted an AU where Aguri lives? But do you feel a simple ‘she lives with no complications AU’ is too easy of a way out, and ignores a massive part of Korosensei’s arc? Have you ever wanted an AU that would make you hate the villains of Assclass even more than you already do? Have you ever wanted an AU with cool monsters smooching cool monsters? Have you ever wanted an AU where Aguri S U F F E R S? And have you ever wanted an AU about long term recovery after massive trauma?

Then BOY do I have an AU for you!

The rest is under the cut because this is going to be a LONG post.

In this AU Aguri manages to survive her close brush with death.

How she survives, however, is significantly less uplifting.

Basically Yanagisawa pumps her full of Antimatter shit after finding her body in a desperate attempt to save her life. And it works. Hooray!

He hurries her into another part of the lab before Akari can see a thing, and continues pumping her full of Antimatter to try and stabalize her. But being a Known Cunt, things don’t exactly go too well after she comes to. Especially considering she's ALIVE. Without his weird fucked up revenge quest to serve as motivation he still has nothing to strive for, so he goes right back to his experiments. 

This time on her. 

Like the moment she wakes up one of her first questions is "wait. Where did the reaper go? Is he okay" and he FLIPS his SHIT on her. Yells at her for being obsessed with the Reaper and accuses her of not giving a shit about him. (CAN YOU BLAME HER?)

She tries to deescalate the situation and turn it into an amicable breakup, but considering he fucking sucks hes not gonna take that for an answer. He decides that Korosensei escaping in the first place was her fault anyway, scapegoats her for the entire thing, then locks her in that room and continues his experiments. Namely this time he’s curious about finding out if an Antimatter being that won’t explode can be created.

And it. Is. Bad.

Like these experiments continue over the course of months and she degenerates more and more until she realizes everyone thinks shes dead. That she’s never going to get to see The Reaper or her students or her family again. She resigns herself to a life of suffering. Like. Pretty much wishes she'd just DIED back there. Which is. Really sad.

Sometime during this time she sees Itona and begs for help, but considering Itona’s pretty much out of his mind in his own right during this time he's not of much help.

When the tentacles ask her what she wants, she answers “safety.” That’s all she wants. To stop being hurt. She dwells more and more on the last time she saw the Reaper. And that’s what her form begins to reflect. So she starts lookin a lot like Korosensei did during his escape w/ the writhing tentacles and such.

And with that wish that’s when something starts to shift w/ the experiments. Like. They go completely off the rails.

She can no longer receive injections. It just doesn’t break the skin. Antisensei weapons simply don’t work on her to the same extent. With force, they can cut her, but nothing like how they make Korosensei’s limbs outright explode. 

Suddenly this is terrifying. CONSIDERING KOROSENSEI WISHED TO BE WEAK. AND ENDED UP THAT FUCKING INVINCIBLE, SHE'S ON ANOTHER LEVEL ENTIRELY. 

Her restraints are like tripled and the room is reinforced with Antisensei material. They find a way to keep pumping her full of antimatter. Despite ppl working under Yanagisawa starting to voice their opinions that this seems dangerous, he doesn’t relent because this isn’t about scientific development at this point, much less safety for him. It’s about his fucking power complex.

And around this time back in the main class, the Itona redemption arc is going on. And as soon as Itona’s back in his right mind hes like

"OH. MY. GOD." 

LIKE HE'D SEEN THIS LADY IN THE LAB BEGGING FOR HELP BUT JUST BEEN TOLD "OH, DON’T WORRY ABOUT HER SHES NOT A THREAT TO YOUR QUEST FOR STRENGTH. SHES PATHETIC" 

When she was begging for help she namedropped Akari. Itona does some digging and finds out Kayano's true identity, before confronting her with what he saw. 

As you can imagine, Kayano kind of flips her shit?? Can’t exactly blame her considering her dead sister is A) Alive B) BEING TORTURED

Kayano comes forward to Korosensei. Asks him if he'd be willing to do anything for his students. For her. He of course says yes. But to that she replies "Even save the life of someone you tried to kill?" 

He's understandably confused. But she explains everything. What she saw. About her tentacles. And about what Itona told her. And in turn he tells her about everything, too. The truth. He begs her to remove her tentacles, but she refuses until she knows Aguri is safe.

Korosensei anxiously tries to explain that there’s no doubt the lab is reinforced, and he doubts they can even DO this. Kayano says she knows they can do it with her classmates on their side, but Korosensei argues he promised he’d protect them, and he REFUSES to put those kids in a situation like that. 

But Kayano argues right back that they’ve dealt with worse (i.e Takaoka) and that if he doesn’t ask them, she'll ask them her damn self. She doesn't need him. Does he want to help or not? 

Korosensei reluctantly (VERY RELUCTANTLY, both out of his caring for Aguri and his desperation to keep Kayano and the rest of the kids safe) agrees to help rescue her.

They give the class VERY vague details (No dump about Korosensei’s backstory, nor about Aguri being Kayano’s sister. There's literally no time for that. Just that there's something like Korosensei out there that needs their help. They do… however tell them that this new Antimatter creature is their former teacher, as they feel it will help inspire the kids to do this.)

Irina and Karasuma are not let in on what’s going on. Korosensei and Kayano actually gather the class after school to specifically avoid those two.

Cue them breaking fucking in. Knocking out lab workers and shit. I don’t know how to describe action sequences. Eventually they find her. And it's so much worse than they could have imagined. Not even really her physical form. (Though that’s pretty grotesque too.) Just how MISERABLE she looks. She has this dead look in her eyes. She's completely pinned down. She doesn't even see them approaching the class because she's so restrained she can't turn her neck. It's like she's a shadow of herself. Miserable and scared and alone.

They break in and free her. She's completely taken aback. This can’t be real. But Kayano and Korosensei are already helping her to her feet as she asks 100 questions. Is... Is that the REAPER? And... What on earth is Kayano implanted with? She's clearly super dazed and acting like she isn't really processing any of this, but she's still worried. She doesn't even really get her answers, namely because they're interrupted. 

Surrounded by people working in the lab and approached by Yanagisawa. He starts to monologue about this happening due to Korosensei’s escape, because that was her fault. And now this is Korosensei fault! It’s beautiful, really! Perfect cause and effect. 

If he hadn’t escaped she never would have been reduced to this. It’s all. Korosensei's. Fault. He hadn’t even cared to try to save her life! Now THAT proves he doesn’t really care. Not like YANAGISAWA cares. He- he doesn’t get to finish his villain monologue because in an EXTREMELY CATHARTIC CHAIN OF EVENTS Kayano goes ape shit on his ass and RIPS OUT HIS OTHER EYE.

YEAH. She’s fucking PISSED.

It’s about now Korosensei’s having an internal debate, because on one hand he’s REALLY trying to be better and be a No More Mr Murder Man, namely BECAUSE of Aguri. On the other hand this guy SERIOUSLY hurt Aguri and might hurt his students, too. 

They’re being surrounded by guards and scientists with Anti-sensei equipment by now. Korosensei's seriously in danger. But that’s where Aguri’s INVINCIBILITY really gets to shine. She protects Korosensei, while ALSO BEGGING KAYANO TO STOP (By now she’s practically lighting that bitch up. LMAOOO) 

Something something she’s been hurt by Yanagisawa but “HE DOESN’T DESERVE TO DIE!” (Oh get a fucking grip, Aguri I love you but he really does deserve to die at this point) 

Finally, Kayano’s classmates manage to rip her off him and they all make their escape. Every student comes out of this unharmed. Thank fuck.

The moment they're out there there's. A lot of things to process and a lot of explaining to do. Like Korosensei hurriedly rushes literally all of them miles away from that hell place, and the ENTIRE TIME THEY'RE ALL ASKING QUESTIONS. 

"WHAT WAS THAT??" 

"DID YOU KNOW YUKIMURA SENSEI??" 

"IS SHE OKAY?" (NO LMAO) 

"WERE YOU A PERSON TOO?" 

"HOW DOES SHE KNOW KAYANO? WHO'S AKARI?"

Korosensei and Kayano are getting flooded with all these questions while Aguri’s pretty much on the brink of sobbing because its the first time shes been outside in six months and the breeze feels so nice on her face and she can see the sky and oh my god its so overwhelming. She never thought she'd see or feel any of this again.

Like shes completely emotionally compromised. Lots of happy tears and sad tears and fuck-i-don't-even-know-what-emotion-this-is tears. 

Korosensei eventually manages to shoo all the students. Tells them to go home and get rest. He'll answer it all in the morning. But for now him, Aguri, and Kayano have a LOT to deal with. 

He removes Kayano's tentacles. It's about now he notices someone hanging back in the trees watching them and gets nervous for a second, but quickly realizes who it is.

"OKAY, YOU CAN GO HOME NOW, NAGISA." and hes like "OKAY OKAY OKAY. I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE KAYANO WAS REALLY OKAY" BEFORE SCRAMMING.

(BLESS HIS SOUL. HE’S A GOOD FRIEND.)

And kayano's like "Yay! No tentacles! Okay, so now you can do that to Aguri too, right?" and Korosensei and Aguri are like "hhahhahahahahhahhhhha." Because lets face it, tentacle implants and routinely having antimatter directly injected right into your bloodstream for months on end are pretty different situations. 

"I'm afraid not, Kayano." Korosensei says.

And Kayano's like "...Okay." and they head back to Kayano's place. Kayano just wants to go home with her sister, but she gets Aguri and Korosensei also have a lot to talk about, so she lets him stay the night.

Its clear the tentacles took a lot out of her because she's conked out before they know it. Aguri has to tuck her in. Cue more crying because she never thought she'd see her baby sister again and oh my god she's so tall and oh my god she dyed her hair and oh my god look at her sleeping so sweetly and oh my god she fought so hard for her and oh my god oh my god

Then Korosensei and Aguri go to Aguri's room. Which hasn’t been touched in months. Its depressing, really. But its also like coming home. 

She says she thinks she just wants to sleep, too. But like. Does that thing where you "want" to sleep but keep talking? Yeah. She just keeps saying "one more thing" and rambling to Korosensei about how traumatizing that entire experience was and how much she missed him and everyone else and how weird it is seeing everything again and none of this even feels real. Like she's going to wake up and she's going to be back there and she's never going to get to see them again. 

There's a LOTTTT of crying. But he's there to try his best to help.

She also 100% confesses to him and they PROBABLY make out, but its not like an "officially together" sort of thing because he realizes shes. Super emotionally compromised right now. But he promises that he gets it. He gets. Pretty much exactly what she's going through. And that he'll be there for her. No matter what, this time. 

Eventually she manages to sleep. It's sweet.

And the next morning is weird. ‘Cause all the kids and Korosensei and Aguri are waiting anxioussslyyy at the school. They're there super early. 

But Karasuma's equally as prepared. He SLAPS a newspaper on the desk. "HEY WHAT"S THIS ABOUT A LAB BEING BROKEN INTO LAST NIGHT??" 

And Korosensei's like "AHAHHAHAH...AHAHAH.... YOU THINK THAT'S BAD? WE ACTUALLY HAVE LIKE 800 MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO TALK ABOUT." AND MOTIONS TO AGURI.

Karasuma loses his FUCKING MIND

"WHAT DID YOU DO!??!?!?!?"

Around now Irina's arriving and. You can imagine she's equally as baffled.

But Korosensei begs them to hear them out. And he finally sits down and explains his Tragic Backstory to his students (and more details of it to Karasuma) far earlier than he’d liked to have.

That’s great and all, but only raises the question of what to do now. Kids are already arguing about whether or not they don’t want to kill Korosensei anymore, and that’s not getting STARTED on Aguri. Do… does she need to die, too? There’s instantly EVEN MORE arguing over that, especially on Kayano and Korosensei’s part. Like that's a BIG FAT NO, CHIEF.

Aguri sheepishly admits she thinks that would be difficult anyways, and showcases her near invincibility. Karasuma loses his FUCKING MIND YET AGAIN and makes a lot of calls. 

He tries to dismiss class for the day, but Korosensei refuses. They actually have a bit of a fight over it. People NEED to come and collect Aguri and do tests. But Korosensei refuses to let her go through that alone after what she’s been through, and also refuses to shirk his job and let his kids miss class over this. Karasuma reluctantly allows a delay until class is over. Namely because its not like he (even with government help on his side) could forcibly take either of them in.

It becomes pretty clear pretty quickly why Korosensei fought so staunchly for this, aside from just his responsibilities as a teacher. It was for Aguri. He felt she needed this. To be in that normal environment and be a teacher again, even just for a day. 

Her demeanor's. different. And the students notice pretty quickly. She's nothing like the goofy happy go lucky Yukimura-sensei they had a few months ago. but she's trying her best, even if they're super worried for her.

Anyway, that night things go DOWN. the government figures Aguri is NEAR INVINCIBLE and shits themselves. It looks like the world’s going to fucking end. They work harder on developing more and more deadly things, but it looks.... bleak.

Meanwhile obviously the E Class, Karasuma, Irina, and Dos Horny Octopi are already putting their heads together to try and find a way to prevent that. While they try to deduce how to save the world AND their teachers, arrangements are made to let Aguri teach as well (With EVEN MORE money slid Gakuho’s way…) They get the scoop on Yanagisawa, and learn he’s in no condition to be a threat right now. (But I’m sure that won’t last.) And finally things return to… Some sort of normal, but it’s hard considering everything that’s gone down has shifted their views on everything so radically.

Anyways enter the COMFORT half of the this hurt/comfort AU.

From thereon out its about Aguri trying to find her place in the world and trying to find a way to be happy again while chipping away at her trauma. Trying to find a way to want to live again after feeling like she lost everything. About, like, ll the little things she missed and her emotional reactions to them and trying not to blame herself for feeling unhappy. About wondering if she'll never feel like the same person she was back then, and if that makes her broken (HEAVENS NO. OF COURSE NOT!) 

And of course, about Aguri reconnecting with her class, reuniting with her sister, getting to know Karasuma and Irina, and [reads smudged handwriting on hand] dating Korosensei.

Stuff like them going on dumb dates in their shitty normal people disguises and feeling awkward about how everyone's staring at them but then laughing because "They're totally staring at you more, dork!" 

Needless to say, Korosensei lives in this AU. 

The shield is still put up and its. Super sad. Like Aguri's stuck outside of it and it's 100% a callback to how they couldn’t touch each other before. Like going from being separated by that wall to being separated by that fucking shield. "I want to touch you Mister Reaper..." again indeed.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do with 2.0. I feel like Aguri would try and force Korosensei to reveal his identity during the 2.0 arc, all things considered. But I don’t know if that would make things better or worse. Would it just make 2.0 more vengeful, or is it not too late for him to find some peace and acknowledgement from his mentor? I... Don’t have an answer.

But either way, yes, with or without 2.0, things get NASTY in the shield like in canon when Yanagisawa shows his head (You thought Kayano maiming him was going to hold him down? NEVER.) And when it looks like Korosensei and the students are in danger, Aguri forces herself in through the shield despite the fact that it SERIOUSLY INJURES HER. (Like, God, even w her near invincible tentacle boost she's practically maiming hersel.) Because she NEEDS to protect Korosensei, and she NEEDS to protect those kids.

She lost everything once. She never thought she'd be happy again. But she is. She’s managed to find that. And she won’t let anyone fucking take that from her. She gets to be the one to defeat Yanagisawa, essentially thematically taking back her agency completely.

And something-something the kids use the power of media against the govt in the same way the govt used it against them, and livestream Koroagu’s beautiful reunion to the point that something something people don’t want them killed or something. Or maybe she shields Korosensei from the laser herself (Again at massive risk to herself) or both or I DONT KNOW. But either way they LIVE because they’ve been through much and they’ve earned it and I WANT them to.

Like in manga canon Yanagisawa survives but paralyzed. Aguri stops by once, talks a little (He can’t respond LMAOOO), essentially reaffirms she’s refound her happiness, she knows who she is, and that she doesn’t hate him. She’s scared of him. And she hates what he did to her. But she doesn’t hate him. Because that’s not the sort of person she is. It’s never been. And letting what he did to her take that from her would be letting him win. She says she hopes he finds a way to be happy someday, then walks out, reclaims her life, and never has to see him again. (Which obviously I don’t think is the best way/the only way/even a good way to react. You should NEVER feel obligated to forgive your abuser. EVER. Even superficially. But I do think it’s a very Aguri way.)

Her and the kids and Korosensei live happily ever after. Well. “Happily ever after.” There is no happily ever after after trauma. After depression. After wanting to die. But it does get better. And she’s finally, finally surrounded by people who love her. So maybe even if she’ll never quite be the same, that’s okay. She’s not broken. She’s pretty happy. And even if she’s not completely happy yet...

Who knows? Maybe one day she will be. 

And that’s a pretty beautiful thought.

[zepdeans]

this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite.  -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something  -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming  -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like.... 

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he’s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot  -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out.           “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know               anyone else starting there.”           (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris)           and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits  -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even  -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!)  -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too.  -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎!  -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :)  -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!!  -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you. 

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice.  ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its  like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush?? 

[astrifica]

Literally he tries to control everything Nd now it’s mainly when i sleep Nd if I lock my door. Got up at 3am just to check Nd see if I’m awake Nd bang on my door aggressively waking ppl up. He screams Nd controls everything Nd doesn’t care about me says he’d throw I me out I can’t lock the door now even tho that’s the on,y way I get privacy

anonymous asked: Hey! I was wondering if u or anos/ppl had any tips on how to stay up without abusers noticing? He woke up at 3am to “see if I was sleeping” and banged on my door Nd woke everyone up bc I locked my door and was awake. If he catches me again it won’t be good at all. He controls everything Nd I just want to be able to be safe in my room and hide and do fun things/work that I need to finish.

Hey! First of I want to quickly say I’m not sure if you sent anything before these two asks, as this is all I’ve received. So please feel free to resend anything else!

I’m really sorry you’re stuck in such an abusive situation, and I hope you’ll be able to get out of this sooner rather than later! 

That being said, here are some tips I can think of at the moment from my own and others’ experiences:

✦ Try your best to figure out both spoken and unspoken rules on these things and make it appear as though you’re following them.

✦ Find out whether lights can be on (but I mostly suggest only using nightlights  or keeping your curtains open if you have windows to use light from streetlights at best due to that being the most believable). If not, make sure to keep your lights off while staying awake except for a phone light or (silent) flashlight that you can hide or turn off easily and make sure to keep it from shining towards the door.

✦ Stay in bed as much as possible when you’re expected to be asleep so you can easily pretend to be asleep.

✦ If you do need to be out of bed, prepare your bed for quickly getting back into it when you hear them getting up in any way. Make sure to also prepare excuses as to why you’re awake (needing to go to the bathroom, grabbing something like a glass of water in your room, etc.) in case you don’t make it back to bed in time, and act sleepy to make it look like you were sleeping before.

✦ Try to lock your door as little as possible if it’s against their rules to lock it even if it’s scary, because their reaction to breaking a rule like that is often the worse option. It really depends on whether that’s worth the risk in some situations though. If you can’t lock it at all, then don’t close it fully either as this’ll make it more likely for them to get angry and check. Instead, leave it open slightly so they can see a gap but not far enough that they can see you easily (if possible that is). If you do need to have your door closed for some reason (getting undressed for example) don’t actually close it, instead just leave as little of a gap as possible (this’ll also allow you to quickly pull it open further if you hear them).

✦ Wear socks to bed or keep them close enough that you don’t need to get up for if you need to quickly get up (it’s the quietest option for walking).

✦ Learn to figure out exactly where in the house noises come from and train yourself to recognise certain noises as needing to pretend to be asleep (like a creaking spot).

✦ Learn to recognise their breathing sounds for when they’re asleep so you know when it’s safe to do what.

✦ Try to train yourself to recognise who’s steps are who’s if you live with multiple people.

✦ Stash things like food, water, medication, first aid supplies, and important items (phones, bank info, birth certificate, IDs etc) in your room in hidden spots so you need to leave your room as rarely as possible (make sure to change the hiding spots regularly especially if they search your room and take as much with you as you can when you’re not home and they are).

✦ If it’s unsafe to go to the bathroom, get a something like a plastic container with a lid and hide that along with toilet paper, wet wipes, a silent form of air freshener etc in your room, and empty it when it’s safe to do so.

✦ If necessary, silence it when you have to use the toilet by first putting a layer of toilet paper and doing your business overtop of that.

✦ Keep an emergency bag in place and think out a plan along with backup options for if things get out of hand and you do need to run away. Remember to make a list beforehand of all you’ll need and include most in the bag already but keep it hidden. If needed keep a weapon with it as well and make sure to keep your important items in places you can quickly get them from!

✦ Make a recording of yourself while you’re sleeping when they’re not present and mimic your breathing patterns etc when pretending to sleep. If impossible, ask someone you know sometimes in a way that seems unrelated about things like if you ever murmur/talk/snore in your sleep etc and maybe even how (example: “so the other day I found out that x talked in their sleep and they said something rlly silly!” pause and continue convo as normal “do I ever do anything like that in my sleep?” and continue from there on) or mimic it from videos of other people and general knowledge on it (like slowing your breathing).

✦ Keep most toiletries in your room so you can largely do morning/evening routines from your room.

✦ Keep your volume low and always wear earbuds but never wear two if you listen to things, keep the ear thats towards the door free to hear people coming.

✦ Think out how you’re going to hide things like your phone when you have to pretend to be asleep (under your mattress, under your clothes, in your pillowcase etc).

✦ Think out the position you’ll lay in when you have to pretend to be asleep, make sure not to make it too rigid and maybe let your blanket hang off you some to make it seem like you’ve been sleeping for longer.

✦ Do most activities from your bed or if you can’t, make it look like you’re tidying up or grabbing something so you can easily hide that you were doing anything. 

✦ Disguise noises with other noises: if you have to open something or put something loud down, cough/make a sneezing noise overtop of it.

✦ Make sure to always wear clothes that at least look like sleeping clothes if you’re up when they don’t want you to.

There are all I can think of right now, but if anyone else has any more to add, please reblog this, add them in the replies, or send me an ask so I can add them to the post!

Additionally, here is a post with some general tips on surviving abuse!

I really wish there was more I could do to help but know that I’m sending lots of love your way and that if you ever need to vent or talk about these things my inbox and DMs are open! ♡

[intothespideyverses]

a modest reinterpretation of “andi’s choice” in c-minor (inspired by a post by @ambimack)

in which bowie ghostwrites a song, andi tries to go ghost on walker, and [insert third awful ghost pun here]: 

so bowie is actually ringing up customers for once at the music store that I figured rarely got business because helloo it’s always damn near empty but I guess today there was a surge of customers seeking out guitar picks and vinyls to show how Cultured and Unique they were for listening to the beatles or whomever. anyway jonah is on his guitar, doing as jonahs are wont to do, and bowie drops the bomb on him with “so yeah remember that music coach I told you about? she hates you. she quite frankly and literally wants you dead. she told me this herself. why didn’t you show up???” and jonah’s like “andi don’t fw me anymore :(” which isn’t rly an answer bc lbr here homeboy was ALREADY running late. you mean to tell me him staring at that painting took 4 whole minutes? nah. 

so anyway bowie’s like “hm let’s change that” bc manipulating your daughter’s emotions behind her back is cool I guess. bowie, totally not projecting in any way whatsoever, suggests that jonah write andi a song. jonah’s not about it tho. “I can’t talk about my feelings!” he says, which is true considering he only just started exhibiting negative emotions for the first time ever last week. bowie goes, “sure u can! what rhymes with back?” and jonah almost says “crack!” bc thats clearly what bowie’s been on for the past 2 episodes but lemme not.

anyway jump to andi @ the spoon and her boo thang who’s not rly her boo thang yet bc terri hates us is facetiming her again. “so andi, my wife whom I would die for, what’s up?” and andi replies “my best friend is moving away :(” so walker, the understanding king he is, goes “aw pick your head up queen, your crown’s falling :’)” and tells her to go be with her friends and something about a bubble machine idk but w/e we still stan.

buffy comes in w/ all the junk the ghc left at her house including a knockoff tamagotchi which seems kinda before andi’s time?? like she was supposedly 7 when she got it which would have been around 2010? but once again w/e we still stan. and buffy reads the recommendation letter cyrus’ mom wrote for him which seemed a tad incomplete. “I can’t believe my mom forgot to add three references, what a waste...” he sighs.

but walker comes in and andi’s like “tf didn’t u just tell me to drink bubble soap and be w/ my friends? what r u doing here?” and walker, the modern day da vinci, says “im here to draw ur friends as a going away present for your fellow queen, buffy” and buffy looks shooketh like hey if andi don’t want him go get him sis! 

so walker draws a louvre level artist rendering of the ghc and instead of appreciating the fact that walker could probably make an exact recreation of the mona lisa, andi’s like “*rolls eyes emoji* *sucks teeth emoji* now i got TWO of these little boys after me what the fuck -_-” but that doesn’t matter bc buffy and cyrus are LIVING for it. 

“im gay so clearly im the better sassy best friend, step tf back bitch”

“the sassy best friend stereotype was made for my black ass cyrus so if you think for even a second I won’t claim my rightful spot you are sadly mistaken”

“let me have this one thing buffy I can’t even say the word gay out loud on this damn show can I at least have this?? can I?”

buffy takes a sip of her virgin margarita and goes...

anyway back at the music shop, jonah has just finished practicing the song bowie ghostwrote for him. jonah’s like “great this is perfect for me to sing outside andi’s window” and bowie quite litcherally flips a table and goes “you rly thought u were gonna pull that corny shit??? what year is it?? 1985 called they want their courtship technique back lol what a loser” and jonah’s like hm perhaps he really is on crack but doesn’t say it out loud bc that would hurt bowie’s feelings :/. bowie says that he already booked jonah to perform at the open mic being held THAT NIGHT lmao and jonah just about has another panic attack bc what??

“what??” he asks bowie who is too busy thinking about him performing “you girl” to bex when they were younger to even remember who jonah even is. jonah’s quite honestly shitting himself and wondering what tf he’s going to do. “being around you” is cute and all but it doesn’t go nearly as hard as andi deserves, especially if he now has to compete with artsy fartsy walker who could probably redo the sistine chapel all by himself if he rly wanted to. “hm..........how can one convey how truly deep in their feelings they are for the one they love?” jonah asks the universe, bc hey it seems to always work for bowie. 

the universe responds by sending a speeding car full of college kids blasting aubrey graham’s newest hit single right into the storefront window. 

“that’s it!” 

jonah’s handing out flyers at the spoon and cyrus literally melts into a puddle and I’m pretty sure this is the first nod to his crush on jonah since he came out to andi wow. andi’s like “since when do u do anything aside from throwing a plastic disc?” and jonah’s like “last week 🤗"

they go to the open mic and some girlie is throwing it DOWN w/ her accordion but bowie being the uncultured swine he is, pulls her off the stage. “anywayyyy here’s our final performance and the only reason we held this show tonight, give a big round of applause to jonah beck!”

jonah walks out with his guitar and an amazon copyrighted product shaped like a portable speaker. bowie’s like 🤨 bc this was supposed to be an acoustic performance tf does he need a backing track for? jonah sits down on his lil stool and clears his throat. “alexa play ‘in my feelings, jonah beck cover’”. the device plays a track consisting of jonah’s angelic backing vocals, and our boy begins to strum his guitar. he opens his mouth to croon...

“trap...trap bowie bowie”

bowie’s chiseled jaw drops to dirty ass music shop floor. “this is...not what I planned.”

“this stuff’s got me in my feelings...gotta be real w/ it...”

the entire audience has a collective heart attack. 

“an-di, do u luv me? r u riding? say you’ll never ever leave from beside me, cause I want ya and I need ya, and I’m down for u always...”

buffy and cyrus catch whiplash from turning so fast to face andi. “the song’s about YOU bitch!”

andi shakes her lil head. “puh-lease, no it’s not”

cyrus, doing his best not to cry, says “he literally just said ur name but go off”

andi’s in denial bc eww j*n*h b*ck? singing a song? for her? disgusting. but jonah keeps singing his little heart out and the lyrics are more and more damning as they go on. 

“trap, trap bowie bowie...I buy you rice on a string cause you not that showy”

“art 101 cause u just like zoey”

“fuck he is singing about me...”

“fudge that netflix and chill what’s ur net-net-net worth?” jonah sings, hitting an impossible high note. queen of vocals. 

“you’re the only one I luv~~~” he serenades, serving us mariah carey level whisper notes. ariana is cancelled! our boy finishes the song, basking in the thought of how many careers he singlehandedly ended by performing at this small hole-in-the-wall music shop in bumfuck, utah. drake your days are numbered sis. 

everyone immediately deserts the shop en masse like did y’all see how fast they all left last episode?? damn. buffy and cyrus stay behind while andi is frozen sitting in her chair bc what the hell does one say to that. 

bowie goes up to jonah and is like “so um...that was...different.” and jonah responds “ikr! see, ‘being around you’ felt too old school, too...2002. idk why that year specifically, but idk it just sounds like it was written in 2002 for a completely different person, maybe even bex, but what do I know? im just your friendly neighborhood jonah beck.” bowie is shook. “anyway, do u think andi liked it?” bowie looks up to see his dorder who he’s more or less forgot about in favor of m*randa and demon child for the past couple of days walking in slow motion to the stage. how she was doing that was beyond him. “well, she looks like she’s about to cry so that’s either a very good thing or a very bad thing. ur on ur own now bud.” and he skidaddles to where bex is waiting. oh yeah bex was in this episode too I forgot. 

andi approaches jonah and he’s like “...so...song....you like?” and andi’s internally screaming bc everyone for the past several weeks has been pushing this relationship on her including jonah himself and now he just sung this song in front of all these ppl and now she pretty much HAS to kiss him so anyway ya she does. 

when she pulls away jonah blinks. “oh...dosche”

THE END. 

will andi finally break up with jonah for good? will jonah avoid copyright infringement for covering a drake song on disney channel? will bowie seek help for his crack addiction? find out next time on dragonball z!

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[leaughrilke]

super-sensate-seestras replied to your post

“Who do u think the superbabies will date?? :D (also since stella looks...”

I would love to hear more about Stella and Beth's relationship drama cause I absolutely love all of these breakdowns about the superbabies

WELL FRIEND there’s other drama too but this is the Major drama that hinders their relationship for a long time

so stella know she has a crush on beth, has been like aggressively ignoring said crush and tryin to Live Her Life and its been a year since stella came out, came to terms and she’s just started her nighttime shenanigans as a vigilante, just started trying to help the way kara does, the way maia does and its going ok???  until she.  you know.  gets stabbed (LIGHTLY STABBED) and is like hmmm i feel as though i should reassess maybe

and then beth’s back in national city after graduating early with like three bachelors (xenobiology, nanotechnology, and engineering) and at least one masters and a corresponding doctorate (in something sciencey, listen im barely an english major), working at l-corp bc she’s a Documented Genius and stella wants to step up her vigilante game, especially since she recently was lightly stabbed and doesnt rlly want that to happen again, and beth’s always been rlly calm and steady, very logical and she keeps all of maia’s secrets, so stella approaches her a little reluctantly to see if she’s willing to help and beth gives her this long, searching look and finally agrees, designs and builds her a new suit with a shitton of gadgets, is the main reason stella starts getting called mechagirl by the press but only helps with stella’s promise that beth can then help with actual missions bc like??  beth cares about her a lot too, doesnt want to see her die ya know??

and it’s weird??  bc now she’s friends with beth in her own right???  works alongside her a lot and beth serves as her tech person, finds her jobs she can do that supergirl or birdy (maia’s superhero alter ego) haven’t gotten to yet and national city gains a new superhero pretty much bc of beth.  and then its a late night of saving ppl and stella comes back to her apartment/headquarters and beth’s still there, wrapping up some end of night reports (she insists on keeping detailed logs in order to avoid any issues with the cops later on) and she’s ordered stella’s favorite takeout, put it in the oven to warm for her and stella’s so grateful and also pretty tired??  rlly tired and beth basically lives with her and sometimes the proximity blurs lines in stella’s mind and so she just leans down to kiss beth, murmurs thank you sleepily and goes into her room to change.  and beth’s just sitting there??  like oh my god, the girl i’ve been in love with for months just kissed me and she doesn’t even realize it but then stella REALIZES IT and runs back out like shit im so sorry beth, that was so inappropriate of me but beths like??  wait do you not like me and stella’s like WAIT DO YOU LIKE ME???? 

surprise!!  this is how stella finds out beth’s an alien and also how beth finds out stella’s an alien lmao.  like.  beth’s species has mental shields, similar to martians??  so stella’s never been able to read her or see in her mind but she never rlly tried to or even questioned it??  or even noticed bc she’s rlly empathetic anyway, reads body language rlly well, so she’s never known that beth likes her the way stella likes beth

like, later in their relationship, stella suddenly can read beth??  like rlly well and she’s like um what the hell and beth’s like oh, yeah, i stopped putting up the block and stella’s just like starry eyed like holy shit you trust me that much???  

beth’s like uh yeah but dont let it go to your head you nerd

but are they smart abt this and admit their v deep feelings for one another then??  no.  they just hookup and then keep hooking up, pretending like nothings changed, pretending like theyre not basically living together or doing all the shit Couples do but just refusing to tell anyone or acknowledge it at all.  and it’s ok for a while??  its solid

but then stella’s suit malfunctions, gives her a nasty burn down her side and she begs beth to not tell anyone that she’s in the hospital, that she’s been hurt and beth’s like shit, stella, i can’t keep doing this bc they’re working with a budget of about eleven dollars, a starburst, and stella’s bus pass, building with shit from the scrap yard and old electronics from secondhand stores and beth wants stella to just tell her family she’s the new vigilante bc then they’d have access to better resources, then beth wouldn’t be so scared every time stella runs out to go save a family from a burning car or stop a bank robbery, but stella refuses, knows that it would be a battle to be accepted like this.  

its a fight they’ve had for months before and then stella’s armor fucks up and beth just calls it.  tells her that she comes clean or beth won’t help her keep almost dying, so stella tells her that she doesn’t need her and beth moves all her shit out of stella’s apartment and its all rlly quiet, subdued and its so fucking sad

she takes the job offer she has at wayne security in charm city (wink wink) and doesnt tell stella, stella finds out when she goes over to her moms and finds beth there, with maia and her moms and finn, all laughing and grinning and maia tells her that beth is getting her own department at wayne security, that she’s moving on friday and stella fakes a smile, congratulates beth before she leaves and that’s the end of it, she never sees beth again

but then stella wrecks her motorcycle.  i think i mentioned once that stella is a little bit of an adrenaline junkie??  well she’s a huge adrenaline junkie and she was testing the limits of her newly redesigned bike, pushing it past 90, 120, 150 and then she just??  loses control of the motorcycle.  it just spins out and stella tries to stop it, turns into the spin and pumps the brakes which slows it down enough that she doesnt just fucking die, but not so much that she’s not close to dying

beth is still her emergency contact.  so beth gets the call, middle of the night, that stella danvers was in a wreck, is on the way to the hospital and that she should get here as soon as possible.  but beth is a ten hour drive away and can’t possibly know that she’d get there soon enough, be there if....if it came down to stella not being alone.  and.  well.  its not her place, never was.  so she calls lena, tells her the emts called the last number stella called bc its so much easier that way, kinder to everyone she thinks

she still drives through the night to national city.  gets there just a little after maia does, her eyes red and puffy from sobbing on the freeway, hands shaking a little.  thank god no one asks why she’s there or why she’s this panicked, bc she’d probably tell them and she knows that’s the last thing stella would want (or, well.  she thinks that at least).  maia just sobs out that beth is the best friend for coming, holds onto her in this desperate, damp sort of hug and beth just stays quiet

beth doesnt stay after she finds out stella woke up, is going to be okay.  she can’t right??  she shouldnt be here in the first place right??

so maia stays in national city to help stella in her recovery bc stella’s being stubborn and refuses to move back in with their moms, and maia figures most of her moping is to do with the fact she’s not allowed anywhere near her motorcycle anymore, but then she finds this one shirt that she knows is beth’s, knows beth has had since high school and its tucked under stella’s pillow and she puts it together pretty quickly.  the way they were friends and then all of a sudden they werent, the way beth came running back to nc the second stella got hurt, that weird pulse of anger, hurt she felt when stella found out beth was moving to charm city.  and like???  she doesnt know what to do with that information, she’s not sure what to feel or how to think about this so she just files it away for a later time, tucks the shirt back under stella’s pillow without saying anything

so eventually stella gets convinced to move back home, bc maia’s like hey.  i dont mind living with you and i dont mind helping you, but the neighbors are starting to think its weird that i carry you up the three flights of stairs to your apartment every day so finally stella moves home and maia comes with her bc they’re finally in a good place again??  they finally worked things out between them from when they were kids and maia’s not about to leave stella, not when stella’s like finally started seeing her as another Certified Safe Place.  so they’re back in their childhood bedrooms and then lena finds out about stella’s vigilantism.  mostly by accident??  stella’s still p much out of commission until her body’s at a 100 percent again but lena finds the mask and its a whole Thing between them, the first time stella’s ever really fought with lena and then by natural extension, kara finds out and then maia clues in and then the whole family has an opinion on it and stella’s just like MCFUCK OFF

and maia??  is like desperately scared for her sister, and she’s angry and she’s hurt that she didn’t tell her, didnt think that she would do anything to help her, but she also knows how isolated stella feels, how helpless she must be feeling, how stuck she is, so she calls beth

and when beth is beating around the bush with it, playing dumb like idk why you’d call me??  stella and i really aren’t that close, maia just calls her out on it like.  elizabeth, i know for a fact you were sleeping with my sister

oh

yeah, oh.  i have some words to share with you at a later date, but right now stella needs someone in her corner and that can’t be me 

and beth doesnt like.  doesnt even hesitate.  she drives her shitty beat up jetta the ten hours it takes to get from charm city to national city and gets a shitty hotel and is so, so nervous??  bc what if stella doesnt want her here??  what if she never wants to see beth again???  but then maia’s texting, saying that the house is empty if she wants to talk to stella and she does, she really does, like?  she didnt realize how big of a part of her life stella was until she was gone, until she had moved to a new city and met new people like she’s completely in love with stella, so she goes

stella opens the door and just stares for a second before she says that maia’s out for a while but beth just keeps looking at her and finally says it outright, says i’m here to see you, stella like its the most obvious thing in the world and stella’s so tired, she’s starting to close the door and she’s saying i dont need another lecture, i’ve had enough of those for a lifetime and beth lets her close it, knows her well enough to know she wont walk away from the door before beth does, so she calls through and says im not here to lecture you, stell.  i just.  i wanted to see you

the door opens

and its incredibly uncomfortable for a while, incredibly tense and when beth tries to ask her what’s going on, stella just hisses what, like you care?  and beth like??  normally would fire back with something, normally would let this blow up into a fight but she’s thought about it, she really has, and she knows that any time she can have with stella is better than no time at all.  that she’d rather take stella as she is, thrill seeking and too good for words and hard headed in the extreme, take the risks that come with her than have anything else.  so beth nods.  yeah.  i care.  i care a lot about you stella, and i shouldnt have forced you to make a decision like i did.  but its scary when the girl you love doesnt see the same value in her life that you do and it was terrifying watching you leave every night and not being sure if i would wake up to your face on the news

and stella’s like??  shit.  shIT, didn’t account for this at all.  but beth is very steady, is giving her this even-keeled look, keeping her eyes on stella but not forcing eye contact and she finally stands, gets ready to leave 

and she tells stella i love you.  and believe me when i say that transcends boundaries like platonic and romantic.  i love you, stella danvers, and i will always be here for you, in whatever way you want me to be and then she’s leaving 

and stella has a choice to make, two paths she can take and she stands a little unsteadily and grabs beth’s hand and pulls her back 

and she’s like im still pretty stupid, you’re aware of that, right?  and beth laughs, refutes the statement as she rests her forehead against stella’s.  you’re not stupid, stella, never stupid.  a little dense sometimes...  and stella laughs too before she admits, finally, i love you too, genius.  and i dont think i can keep doing this without you?  and she tries to backpedal, bc she’s worried she’s being manipulative or something but beth just shakes her head, says im going to kiss you now, ok?  and stella’s nodding fast, tears finally starting to fall when it all hits her and then they’re kissing for the first time in six months and theyre maybe still kissing when everyone comes home and maia groans bc like i texted you specifically so i could avoid seeing this ugh you guuuyyysssss