#I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME ABOUT KRYCEK

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

my favorite mulder moments from s4

meeting the little girl he believes to be his sister in episode 1, then falling onto his knees, grabbing her shoulders, and saying “it’s me, fox, your brother” - he proceeds to take her with them as they escape from the clone farm, even when he learns it isn’t really samantha (god. the devotion will kill me)

offering his life in exchange for his mother’s when the alien bounty hunter catches him... pain

the way he could only focus on baseball at the start of episode 2; how he was practicing his pitching stance, and he shoved the ball under scully’s nose, saying “smell that. it’s perfume. eau de ball” <- it's important to remember that he may be a haunted and tragic figure, but also he is Silly

and how he keeps whacking the TV around to try and get it to work during their stay at the motel in pennsylvania, dancing around trying to fix it, which scully watches with a smile

mulder fact checking the cult leader who was talking about jesus in episode 5 (he was talking about SMYRNA when he said that, not about some random town in TENNESSEE!)

and his nerdy witchcraft knowledge on display in episode 6 (obviously an inverted pentagram represents the goat of lust attacking heaven with its horns! /s)

in episode 9, he is literally stuck in a gulag, looking death in the face, but says “i’m not gonna die. i have to live long enough to kill that man krycek” <- LOVE a character staying alive out of spite!!

then he performs a solid “give him two punches and throw him in the truck i’m stealing” maneuver to bag up krycek and get them both tf out of there, which occurred with a fascinating swiftness and brutality

later, when he has escaped and is back home, he has this dogged insistence that aliens are real as he testifies before the special committee, asking them why they refuse to believe when there is so much evidence (<- i LOVE how he finds everyone else's lack of belief infuriating, and how he cares not about what people think of him, but only for the Truth itself)

(and the intro reading “e pur si muove”, allegedly said by galileo when he was forced to recant his claim that the earth moves around the sun, was a very nice touch)

waking up from a nightmare in episode 10, convinced the location of a crime scene was revealed to him, so he drives to the place he saw in his dream in the dead of the night- and he was right

his ancient guilt that arose throughout the whole episode, how he was convinced he could solve the case out of sheer conviction - “don’t you think the car might have been searched at least once already?” “not by me”

and we see him waking up from his nightmares shouting samantha’s name, so haunted over the idea of the victim being her or some other poor girl that he was too impatient to let forensics dig up the bodies in their professional manner, clawing at the ground with his hands instead

going to his mom’s house in the middle of the night, apologizing profusely for waking her up, and asking her how she is doing; when he asks if she recognizes the fabric from the crime scene, she says her memory hasn’t been as good since the stroke, and he smiles, hugs her, pats her back, and tells her it’s okay (he loves her so much!!!!!)

when they’re doing the ID on the body of the child they thought might have been his sister, he lets out a broken “it’s not her, is it scully?” as he recounts how samantha broke her collarbone when she was 6. scully reassures him through his tears that it’s not her, but he says “it’s somebody, though”, realizing the devastation he feels must have been felt by this girl’s family. and it isn't his pain, but it is someone's

the incredible massachusetts- sounding line delivery of “and you’re in the wrong HOUSE, you stupid son of a bitch!”

we see his incredible vulnerability in him being willing to even let out a serial killer from prison to try and get answers- it's such an awful idea, but would any of us have done the same for a chance at getting answers?

then, when he realized the extent of his mistake and another child was put in danger, he says it doesn't matter anymore even if it was samantha they were looking for, because now another child has been placed in danger; all of this showing his terrifying willingness to do anything for answers mixed with his overflowing guilt

(and then he reveals his backup gun in his sock, which was a major slay)

how carefully he tells the girl roche took hostage to close her eyes and count to twenty- not condescending to her, but trying to keep her from panicking- before shooting her captor in the head (and then the poor girl runs off screaming into scully’s arms, who holds her and says it’s okay)

mulder rushing to the hospital to meet with scully in episode 14, not knowing what is wrong, too panicked to even read the signs pointing him in the right direction

and how he tries to make her laugh with his “i, uh, stole these from some guy with a broken leg down the hall. he won’t be able to catch me”- he smiles when she does, pleased to try and diffuse the tension the way he always feels compelled to

his refusal to believe that her cancer isn’t treatable, and how his face falls when she assures him this is the case; but despite her insistence, he will not accept it

going to skinner in episode 14, asking him to set up a meeting with CSM, even though he hates the man more than can be put into words, because CSM has to know what is happening to scully and therefore how to fix it (and skinner’s utter refusal to allow him to deal with the devil- so he does it himself)

(then he goes and fetches the lone gunmen to break into a medical facility and get some answers; “well, pick out something black and sexy and prepare to do some funky poaching”, he tells them over the phone, another joke in the face of demons)

when they do break into the facility, he tasks byers with leaving IMMEDIATELY to tell scully to stop treatment RIGHT NOW, because he realizes it is actually hurting her

after questioning the horrific antisemite who proclaims that mulder might be a jew in episode 15, he leaves with a smile and gives the man a blessing

in episode 16, he notices that skinner was shot before skinner notices himself, grabbing his arm (and once again illustrating how much mulder cares for him!!!)

banger line from episode 17: “claimed steadfastly, ignorance becomes as acceptable as the truth”

(and how he waves goodbye to the airplane that scully and frish were on <3)

in episode 19, he quotes scully's thesis at length, revealing he memorized at least parts of it word for word

(he also tucks a pencil behind his ear in this episode and it was just <3)

in episode 20, he’s talking to the mother of the latest tailed baby, who tells him that “it’s just a matter of a snip”, to which he responds “that’s good to hear” with both a sense of genuine concern and the face of a man who never expected to be dealing with tailed babies during his time in the FBI

(and his incredibly pained expressions when she reveals the father of the child is luke skywalker)

when scully is sawing into the mummy and mummy dust is all through the air, he covers his coffee upon entering the room

(and the way he tries to hide that he accidentally broke off the mummy’s foot)

mulder showing up to skinner’s house uninvited at 4 am in episode 21, asking for skinner’s help, not knowing that he covered up the death he is trying to solve

(then, later in the episode, the way his face falls when he realizes it’s skinner doing the crime on the security footage, and his heartbroken accusation that skinner had been working with CSM this whole time to kill his father and take scully, pacing the room like a wild animal)

((and THEN, his face melting when he realizes skinner was the one who made the deal with the devil he warned him against, putting together how much skinner must care for them both))

in episode 22, he elaborates on this difference between ghosts, disembodied spirits, and death omens before bowling a perfect strike. and scully looked impressed

how he SPRINTS to scully when he hears the gunshots of her shooting the evil nurse, and then the way he immediately notices the cut on her hand <3

the terrible grief he feels when he’s high out of his mind in episode 23, asking his mother if she cheated on his father; “who is my father?” “what do you want, to kill him again?” - she even slaps him, and he is such a momma’s boy normally, but look what he has been driven to in his effort to find answers; here he is, hurting the people he loves the most, losing control entirely, risking everything on a mere hunch

the doctor claiming he did nothing wrong and being met with “you put a HOLE in my HEAD” (which is funny out of context, but the horrific lengths to which he is willing to go to get answers deserves to be reiterated; he literally let some guy strap him down, inject him with drugs, and put a hole in his head to try and remember anything about what happened to samantha, everything comes down to that ancient Guilt that is integral to his being)

[carefulfears]

have i asked you your top crazy scully moments?

it's kind of hard to narrow because there's such a general air of crazy around the way she behaves just pretty much all the time if you're looking closely. but here's some off the top of my saturday morning (i woke up at 1pm) head. for starters how about walking out of an autopsy on a deformed infant and asking your coworker if he has good baby-making genes or if there are any abnormalities laying around that u should know about. and then years later when you're going to try to get pregnant and the doctor asks if you have a sperm donor in mind instantly saying yes. but to me, like i've said before, the only thing more insane than asking your coworker you've never kissed to father your babies is knowing that you won't have babies if he says no. crying and holding your breath because it's your "last chance" and you won't do it without him, you won't do it if it can't be from him or part of him.

okay now that all that's out of the way there's also calling mulder "ahab" right after establishing that it's her father's nickname and then saying that it's because he is consumed with a "megalomaniacal cosmology" that is going to leave everyone around him dead. and then in the end being like "but i like thatttttttt."

i like when she throws water on my poor friend john doggett. on the topic of torturing coworkers she very much does storm into spender's office and scream multiple times that she is going to MURDER him if he doesn't help her with data to locate mulder. she tries to shoot skinner like 7 times and he's never done anything but uh ruin his entire life to help her. she refuses to shake krycek's hand when all she knows about him is he's mulder's new partner.

she names her people-eating dog after a fictional people-eater. she walks calmly into a jail cell to keep a secret. the tattoo. i think she made up mulder singing "shaft." regardless, she made up the vampire sheriff flirting with her, which is so fucking funny. she begs to autopsy giant sewer worms because she misses her friend. that's kind of the least of the odd things she does to hang out with him but i always think about that one. they were sewer worms.

trying to keep things light when most of her Craziness makes me Sad ummm in dreamlands when she was like "it's crazy that we spend our days just driving by people who have real lives and houses and kids, while we keep moving past them, because you won't get out of the car.......anyway, see you at Area 51, beautiful"

i also love like....all the things she does for attention....like, when, she wants attention so bad...i feel like people take so many of these moments at face value and judge them harshly when it's like no she really just wants to crawl into this man's bed and ask if he still likes her. she genuinely just has to ask "what are we?" while pregnant with his child for the 2nd time just to be annoying. she has to complain about watching caddyshack like she's not giggling to be on his couch. literally just to be annoying and maybe judge something she wants to know off the reaction.

anyway she knows the plot of moby dick by heart and god talks to her specifically and i rewatched iwtb last night and this is how she looks when amanda peet touches mulder's face:

have a good weekend everybody! ily!

[deathsbestgirl]

mulder and scully are with skinner <3

they love each other so much and i think it's awful they had to lose touch with the people who helped them, who loved them.

and kersh acting all tough in kitten is Hilarious to me. as if he didn't help mulder escape. i don't think kersh knew what they were in the middle of, and i think if he really saw anything, he would have helped them more too. he knew mulder wasn't guilty, idk why he knew but he did. so he helped them.

also just a note. in this, i love that scully is the one to approach skinner. they can't trust him, but she had to trust him once. she's pointed a gun at him so many times, and he's always trying to help her. and in kitten, she's the one to tell him what kersh said. mulder telling him "we're with you" felt like full circle from one breath for those two.

these three are just really special to me. skinner puts himself on the line so many times. he's shot by the man who killed melissa. he's given a disease controlled by some device krycek keeps. he sells his soul to csm to get scully a cure. he protects william & mulder & scully with everything he has and more. mulder goes crazy trying to prove his innocence, he can't see skinner's "betrayal" when it's right in front of him. scully fights just as hard to save skinner's life as she does mulder, she won't let him ride alone in the ambulance. she tells skinner first about her pregnancy. she cries into his chest at mulder's funeral and tells him what mulder said about the stars. scully's natural inclination is to believe, and she fights it every step of the way. always, until she can't. reality without mulder is more terrifying to her than anything, and she starts trusting more like mulder, more tentatively, more quietly. she's more afraid than ever without him. she reaches out her hand, asks to be trusted as she hides so many things.

[randomfoggytiger]

😎

Thanks for dropping in! :DDDDD

The below might seem like I'm gassing you up or being overly sugary and sweet; but I cannot underestimate how much I mean every single word. Your fics were in my first round of xfiles fics ever; and they were cemented into my cracks before I ever got adventurous enough to feed the addiction and read 800+ authors.

This'll be long, so I included a cut.

(**Note**:Editing and proofreading my paragraphs? What is that?)

I begin, again, after 20 minutes of thorough combing

I spent 15-20 minutes grabbing link after link after link because... quite simply, your fics are grafted into my brain because of how many rereads I've done-- I can't separate them from each other, I can't pick favorites, I can't. I had to go by my tip top, cannot-pass-by-without-reading fics:

Whispered Words (Tumblr): Everything about this is perfection. Every time I read someone else's cancer fic, I immediately think of this one (and hunt it down for a reread.) Scully's symptoms, how and when Mulder notices; the blend of sickfic and angst and fluff together, no parts outrivaling the other... it's, again, perfection.

A New Day Has Come: It's such a cornerstone of my earliest cancer fics that this is how I always expect Mulder to react in other fics I read-- it's automatic programming at this point.

Every. Single. IVF fic you've written. I kid you not. To name a few (because it's not fun to just read "I liked it, lol" without some examples):  Name Calling/Archive is the pinnacle post IVF failure: the best, ohmyword. Unnamed post IVF treatment fic and Five Minutes - Chapter 1 are seared into my brain as a part one and two; but if it's a sheer numbers game? Five Minutes - Chapter 2 wins out. It's just... how do you hold a moonbeam in your hand, y'know? How can I describe something that IS me? I refer you to Scully's Memento Mori speech-- she says it more eloquently than I do. ;))))

Every. Single. AU Requiem fic and S8 fic and S9 fic and S11 fam fic. You do loving relationships so well: they talk, they breathe, they exist like real people. I treasure the S8 fics you wrote from my prompts and reread them frequently--though I forgot to label the second and need to find that link hmmmmmm. This is exactly how it appears in my docs: Here's a prompt (if you want): Scully goes into... (tumblr.com) THIS WAS MY PROMPT Ao3 By Your Side Is Where I Belong - Baroness_Blixen - The X-Files [Archive of Our Own] LOVE THIS

And for nonspecific genre fics that I adore and cannot live without:

#58 Mulder to Scully thanks! Ao3 Prompts & Drabbles - Chapter 3 - [Archive of Our Own] Scully gets hit in the head with a baseball bat and you nailed every. single. aspect of this fic and I can't read it enough (going to read it again right after this.)

Since you were looking for an angsty prompt for... (tumblr.com) Ao3 We Will Find Our Way Home - [Archive] Scully and Mulder on the ice and Scully makes Mulder go alone to the Snocat? YES PLEASE.

 I hope your muse comes back. I know she will soon!... Ao3 Things You Forget - Chapter 1  Mulder has amnesia and he and Scully have dinner with her mother and Bill while he remembers-- iconic.

A realization

...I'm staring at 20+ pages of your fic links (and 84 specifically marked ones that have LOVE THIS in bold and caps) and thinking that there is no way I can fit all of this into this ask. XDDDD

I'll close this by thinking of random moments in your fics that twirl around and around in my brain and put them down here:

Mulder waking Scully up by sneezing in her hair in Rain King.

Mulder and Scully crying after her recovery in Redux II.

Scully's annoyance and Mulder's complete stillness in the airport while waiting for their luggage in Five Minutes Chapter 2.

The hilarious way you wrote Mulder and Scully and Krycek and Doggett and Reyes in an Essence AU (Will is born in the car while they drive away from the FBI.)

Scully's head being squeezed like an orange in the baseball bat attack fic, and Mulder's irate panic from afar ("HE HIT HER")

Mulder's tie got stuck in a copier and Scully has to help him out (and Skinner doesn't even want to know.)

Maggie's not a fool when she catches Mulder and Scully a day or two after Chimera.

Scully gasses in the car and Mulder evens the playing field.

Mulder having amnesia after Millennium and only remembering his partnership with Diana (for a couple hours.)

Mulder delicately taking and holding and smiling over his scratchy list of baby names.

Scully feeling woozy in Three Words and Mulder helping her sit down.

Mulder panicking after Lamaze in Alone.

S8 Scully including Mulder in her late night snack and waltz session, as they discuss her neighbor's recently deceased husband.

Mulder swallowing the suddenly-too-sweet cake at Scully's baby shower (AU Essence~)

Mulder swapping places with Reyes in Essence-- it's he and Scully on the road, just like always.

Post Existence Mulder papa bear with little Will.

Revival baby girl being born on Mulder or Scully's birthdays (and the unique ways you changed the details of both versions.)

Mulder and baby Will showing up for Scully's "take your kid to work day" (and him rubbing Will in Colton's face, my word.)

(I'm not kidding when I mean every. single. one. of your IVF and S8 and family fics, so I'm not even going to BEGIN.)

All of your Millennium fics. All. But particularly the one where Scully is woken up by a grumpy Mulder who felt betrayed that she'd left and drove over, despite his injured arm, before calling her and asking for permission.

Mulder sobbing and holding Scully after the other agents tricked him into thinking she'd died in a car accident.

Diana locks Mulder and Scully up in the One Son fort for the night; and Scully's hurt and Mulder's hurt and their reconciliation and re-understanding is one of the fics I turn to when I need to sleep but also need a story to focus on. Makes my brain go wild.

TFWID Mulder having nightmares of his past lives with Scully. Another one of those stories that sets my brain on fire.

Revival Mulder's psychic powers comes back and he tells Scully in the restaurant (part I) and later senses their daughter's heartbeat (part II.)

An ending

And while I could go on and on and on, there's already a lot I put down. XDDDD Maybe I'll make a fic list with my top 85? fics that cannot be passed up-- although, I don't know if Tumblr will allow me that enough word space to fit them all in. Hmmmm.

Anyway, thanks for dropping in! :DDDDD And hope this was a good enough answer~. ;))))

[onlineproblems]

@jjohnnyutah okay I'm out of the shower. here goes, the xfiles word vomit

i wish i remembered more of season 1 and i guess 2 but i started watching like a year ago and i wasnt sure how i felt about it at the time and sort of half paid attention to the majority of the episodes. i plan to rewatch anyway but most of my excitement for the show peaked around mid-late season 2, when i felt like i knew what was going on (that didnt last) and i understood the dynamics between all the characters.

nobody could ever guess /s but i ADORE scully. i love and identify with her repressed catholic/survivors guilt and inability to express herself and the way she puts too much of herself into a quest that wasn't even hers to start with. and then finally opens up and leaves her shell and gets to be silly later in the show with a wry, dry humor that complements mulder's goofiness.

i think the baby arc is one of the dumbest things i've ever seen (not that i've seen all of it yet, but jesus it's so dumb). maybe it's because i'm a bitter childless hag but i dont relate to her intense desire to have children and i feel like when she got pregnant the writers absolutely mauled her personality to death. ffs they already put her through every other torture they could devise, why not a lobotomy? everyone knows motherhood makes you weak-willed and stupid. i mean im exaggerating but it's because the anger is fresh lol.

I'm so so scared to watch the revival because i don't want it to warp my nostalgic understanding of the characters. i love them and want them to live forever in a little bubble in Vancouver, fighting the moth men (yes that ep was so good) and getting up to shenanigans while CSM and Krycek does his incompetent bullshit off to the side.

I've seen several people talk about Jewish Mulder and i think the idea makes a lot of sense, and didn't they even reference it a time or two in the show? like the ep with the golem? i got mad when they gave him a Christian burial lol.

i like mulder's appreciation for the beauty in the weird and how he doesn't give a shit for what anyone thinks of him except Scully. i like that he's so wrapped up in the wonders out there but is also staunchly atheistic.

i didn't want Samantha's disappearance to be solved because it seemed like such a trite ending to mulder's trauma and the ultimate mystery in his life. i guess it was a good enough solution, but her abduction was what fueled him and gave him meaning and to wrap it up with a bow felt...idk, dismissive almost. i wanted closure for him but not necessarily answers. if your life's meaning is to search for answers, and suddenly you can have all the answers to the universe, where do you find meaning then? I may not be making sense lmao

and i think that's when i enjoy the x files most, when it's not trying to package things all neatly. maybe it's trying to ask a question, or maybe it's just trying to have fun, or both, but it's not trying too hard. the mythology is too much for me and frankly detracts from my enjoyment of... it. they wanted something epic and mysterious and then couldn't make any sense out of their own cryptic bullshit.

self-contained episodes like clyde bruckman, asking a question about determinism and big stuff like that without getting preachy or condescending, are excellent.

there's a hundred other things i could say but... that's enough for now lol.

[adeadhorse]

chase/logan for the ask meme as you said you ship them now

When I started shipping it if I did: After I wrote that bit about Chase giving Logan a shirt that said "never topped anything in his life" I was like oh no, that's kind of cute. I would draw it if I had any artistic ability.

My thoughts: No thoughts just smut.

What makes me happy about them: I find them fun to write, it's a nice balance (or at least I try to make it so) of them being funny and mean to each other while also still evidently caring about each other.

What makes me sad about them: They are not a ship I get sad about but they should probably learn some communication skills.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: I started writing them out of spite because I hate all the way they were written on FFnet. They suffer from what I would term Mulder/Krycek syndrome which is where people are desperate for a loving queer couple so they apply it to ships where it absolutely does not fit, which in the X-Files fandom manifested as writing Mulder and Krycek being loving partners and hating Scully despite Krycek being a murderer and despite the entire show revolving around Mulder and Scully loving each other. Zoey similarly got vilified in fics and Chase and Logan were just incredibly OOC. Mulder and Krycek are simply not going to do anything other than have hate sex, and Chase and Logan aren't going to stop being antagonistic or competitive just because they get together either.

Things I look for in fanfic: I do not.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:  Anyone.

My happily ever after for them: Having fun and staying friends.

Who is the big spoon/little spoon: They absolutely do not spoon because intimacy and emotions and shit, but sometimes they do end up draped across each other in very odd positions.

What is their favorite non-sexual activity: Playing video games.

[mulder-krycek]

what song reminds you most of Krycek? one i think of is I'll be good by jaymes young

I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you, anon!  I had never heard “I’ll Be Good” by Jaymes Young before but I listened to it after I got your ask and I totally agree--that’s a great Krycek song.  

Particularly this line(s): My past has tasted bitter / For years now / So I wield an iron fist / Grace is just weakness / Or so I've been told

I loooooovveeeee that for Krycek and totally goes in line with how I see him as a character.  In “Terma”,  Mulder says to Scully that Krycek wants to bring down the same men they do, he just is willing to do that through any means necessary.  I think that line is really telling because it brings the audience to remember that there /is/ some morality in Krycek--he wants to end colonization, he wants to save the world but he’ll do it on his /own/ terms.  Unlike Mulder (and Scully but Mulder is really his other-half in a character-sense) who is hindered by his moral compass.   That line, to me, is so perfect because it goes so well in with the idea that Krycek’s /made/ himself the way he is.  He wants to win this fight.  Morality just gets in the way.

OKAY SO I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be so obvious but after thinking about it, I have to go with “Little Lion Man” by Mumford & Sons.  I totally made a Krycek gifset using that song like a week ago lmfaoooo so I was trying to think of a different one but I really do like it for him.

tbh, Mumford & Sons is like my go-to Krycek (and m/k) music. lmfao.  They’re sorta’ folksy but very rock-based so you get this interesting natural sound that’s also hardened by rock chords and tempos.   That’s very Krycek to me: the human (folk) beneath the killer (rock).  

“Little Lion Man” is great, too because it really does touch on that no-fear, rough-scrapper attitude of life (that Krycek definitely has) and how that can come back to bite you in the ass (poor Krycek~ our bb~)

Thanks for writing me, anon!  I love to talk about Krycek so please write me again! :D and come off anon, we can gush about Krycek together lmfaooo

[subway-tolkien]

u sure the problem isn’t gonna be izzy stans harassing the creators when izzy doesn’t inexplicably become the main protagonist and love interest of the show bc I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be that

Okay, extrapolating from your ask I’m guessing you are irritated that Blorbo X is enjoying a popularity surge, while you prefer Blorbo Y. It’s not fair that Blorbo X is getting attention that rightfully belongs to Blorbo Y, because Blorbo Y is morally superior in every way. Even worse: Blorbo X is evil, and evil characters are bad characters and the people who like them are also bad. So, you've decided the constructive response is to hate Blorbo X and Blorbo X’s fans for “stealing” the spotlight from Blorbo Y, and the way to do that is with online bullying and snotty, anonymous asks aiming for inflammatory but falling short and landing firmly in cringe.

That’s my theory, anyway, because I felt the same about Krycek being more popular than Mulder for a while, when I was fourteen. I didn't bully people because I wasn't raised like that, but I sure resented them, for no real reason, until I grew out of it and moved on.

At any rate, here's a little remedial lesson in storytelling: the purpose of a villain is to supply conflict to the plot by opposing the hero(s). Villains are also compelling because good villains are complicated people with their own set of morals and motives. For some folks, they are just as interested in the villain’s arc as they are in the hero’s. Additionally, some people enjoy villains more than the heroes or side-characters, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Punishing other fans for enjoying the same show because they focus on a different facet of it than you do is, in a word, stupid. In thirty years of fandom, I’ve never understood the need to target, harass, and bully internet strangers—and the cast and crew of the show!—because of a difference of opinion regarding fictional characters that do not exist. 

This is not unique to OFMD; this behavior is a cancer on every fandom it touches and has gotten so much worse over the last ten years that I barely recognize modern fandom anymore, but OFMD is the latest victim of entitled fan behavior, blind ego, and a distinct lack of critical thinking skills, so I'm focusing on it right now.

I don't know anyone who thinks Stede will be replaced by Izzy as the protagonist of OFMD; you're exaggerating in an effort to antagonize me/other people, but you just sound impossibly young and, frankly, very boring. You really don't warrant a reply, but I seem to have Opinions on this subject and since you felt the need to share yours, you get to enjoy mine. 🎉

Anyway, I've no dog in this fight. I like Izzy as a villain just as I like Ed and Stede as the heroes, and the Revenge crew as the supporting ensemble. I trust David et al to know what's best for their own show. I wish everybody could. I don't care what characters people like or why, I care what characters I like and why. I read the fic I enjoy, I look at the fanart I like. I make good use of filters and blocking. I also know how to scroll past things I don't want to see. What other people like about the show has no effect on what I like about the show, because I don't take other people's opinions of the show personally. Their opinions have nothing to do with me.

Let people like what they like, and step back and analyze why you resent the opinions of one segment of a broader fandom to the point where it threatens your enjoyment of the show enough to drive you to attack strangers on the internet and harass an actor for just doing his job.

We are all on the same boat, heading in the same direction. Stop trying to sink it.

[marshmallow-xphile]

My thoughts on the sexuality of some of my favorite X-files characters.

I posted this in my X-files amino back in June as part of a LGBTQ pride challenge and for some reason I only just thought to post it here as well.

Fox Mulder: openly bisexual

Mulder is so open sexually that I really don't think gender matters all that much to him. He does seem to prefer females but I wouldn't be even remotely surprised if he had a boyfriend or two in the past. I don't think he's flamboyant about his sexuality but I don't think he'd hide it at all either

My evidence:

In the season one episode "Ghost in the Machine" we meet an Mulder's ex-partner, Jerry, and I absolutely feel like there is an ex-lovers vibe to the both of them. They hug upon first seeing each other, Mulder looks incredibly happy to see him, when Mulder says they worked together Jerry corrects him to say they were partners at which point Mulder looks over at Scully as if to see her reaction. Mulder has this real guilty look to him. When Jerry acts a little self conscious Mulder is real quick to jump in and reassure him. They get in each other's personal space. It just really leaves me with the impression that they care deeply for one another and broke up for other reasons, perhaps the different career goals as Mulder tells Scully.

We also have Mulder with Krycek. From the very beginning of Krycek's involvement with the X-files I feel like the writers went out of their way to make a correlation between the change in partnership and a new partner in a relationship. There is a scene in Sleepless where Mulder and Scully are on the phone and Mulder tells Krycek he'll be right there, the rest of the conversation feels reminiscent of two exes chatting about the change brought about by the new relationship. Scully even brings up that it must be nice having a partner who doesn't question his every theory.

There were many scenes in Sleepless, Duane Barry, and Ascension in which Mulder and Krycek were alone but that we never got to see who knows for example what the two of them got to talking about while they were stuck in traffic during the drive to New York in Sleepless. Or how often they hung out between Sleepless and Duane Barry.

During Mulder and Scully's partnership Mulder only called her 'Dana' on a few emotional occasions. He started casually calling Krycek 'Alex' almost immediately.

Let us not forget the infamous speedo scene. While yes it definitely showed more of a Krycek attraction to Mulder than the opposite. It does make one wonder what led him to wear such a revealing bathing suit. How many straight men do you know who wear speedos? My guess is few. How many straight men wear speedos when they can reasonably assume their male partner will show up looking for them? Not many would be guess.

And then there is their relationship after Krycek is revealed to be a traitor. They both tend to act more like scorned lovers than enemies and notice that it's Mulder, not Krycek, who cannot seem to keep his hands off the other. Seriously it's like every time Krycek shows up, Mulder immediately grabs him.

Now here's a couple quotes from Mulder,

Krycek tells Mulder he most be losing it because Krycek beat him with one hand. Mulder's immediate reaction: "isn't that how you like to beat yourself?"

When the little man in Humbug is lined up pretty much exactly with Mulder's crotch he says that Mulder would be surprised how many women find his size alluring. Mulder's immediate reaction: "you'd be surprised how many men do as well"

How many straight guys do you know comfortable enough with their sexuality to make a gay innuendo? I personally cannot think of any.

Dana Scully: bicurious

I believe that Scully is sometimes attracted to women. It definitely is not as blatant as with Mulder and I really don't think she's had any past girlfriends but I definitely think that there is an attraction.

My evidence:

In the episode "Ice" I really felt like there are a few tender moments between her and Felicity Huffman's character especially while they were examining one another for the worms. That examination had a sort of sexual energy to it I thought.

In the episode "kill switch" theres a moment where the Invisagoth asked if she could have her handcuffs removed or if she should type with her tongue. Mulder mentions that she doesn't want a vote there and the look on Scully's face and the way she licks her lips, I definitely get the impression that she would have been perfectly happy to see what Invisagoth could get up to with that tongue.

Some people point to Scully's relationship with Reyes as evidence of her bisexuality, I personally don't see any attraction there on Scully's side but I don't think its outside the realm of possibility.

Monica Reyes: Closeted lesbian

This one's probably a surprise I know there was something between here and Brad as well as a flirtation with Doggett so you would probably think she was Bisexual but honestly was either one of those even remotely convincing? To me they weren't. I believe that Reyes is a lesbian.

I kind of go back and forth on whether she's open about it. Reyes is very spiritual and open so it seems strange that she would be in the closet but maybe she has a reason, fear of it affecting her career in the FBI perhaps? It just seems strange that she keeps pursuing these heterosexual relationships she has no passion for unless she is trying to hide her true passion.

My evidence:

I admit I really have very little evidence but look at the relationship between Reyes and Brad Follmer. It had all the chemistry of two people who got really drunk once and cannot remember sleeping together. I don't for a second believe she was ever in love with Brad nor he in love with her.

Then you've got the same thing between her and Doggett. Yes the writers were obviously trying for a romantic angle with the two of them but to me it never came across as convincing. It seemed more like she thought of him as a good friend and figured she might as well date him, I saw no evidence of love or attraction.

On the other hand look at her and Scully. While I feel like the attraction there was one sided I definitely feel like Reyes was into Scully or Dana as she would call her. Reyes was willing to risk her life for Scully and yes that is her job after all but Reyes seems to take that above and beyond and it's not just Scully herself but also William. Look at how protective Reyes is of William in The Truth and of the sacrifice Scully made in giving him up. She seems to care even more than Mulder on that.

Cigarette-Smoking-Man: Asexual

CSM has probably had sex at some point, he is of course the father of at least three children but I do not think that he was ever in love with any of these women or even attracted to them. I believe they were all just a means to an end.

I believe that CSM's only love was for his cigarettes

Evidence:

There is a little bit of evidence that he might have actually felt something for Teena Mulder but I don't buy it. He freely admits that he felt nothing for Cassandra Spender but he must've been convincing if he got her to marry him and we have seen him fake emotions more than once. He also seemed to show an attraction to Scully in En Ami but that too was just a means to an end. Perhaps he does feel something towards all the women he has impregnated but I wouldn't call it love. I don't see any real attraction there either. My bet is that CSM needed some "help" in order to produce his offspring.

Alex Krycek: Gay

While Krycek did have an obviously sexual relationship with Marita Covarrubias he definitely didn't have any real feelings for her and I don't buy attraction either. No I'd say they were both just trying to use sex to get what they wanted. His anger at finding the Russian boy gone wasn't because he was heartbroken at her betrayal. Merely mad that she'd managed to get the upper hand.

Whether Krycek is open or in the closet I'm not sure, I'm thinking it probably depends on the mission hes on at the time.

Evidence:

Of everyone on this list I'd say Krycek is the one I'm the most sure of. There is no doubt in my mind that Krycek was attracted to, perhaps even in love with, Fox Mulder. From the very beginning there appeared to be a bit of longing in his eyes.

There was the speedo scene wherein Krycek was definitely checking Mulder out. There were several scenes where Krycek could've killed Mulder but chose to help him instead.

As I've seen pointed out before, Krycek's crazy motivational choices don't make any sense at all unless it's all in an effort to be around Mulder more.

Look at his sense of style and his obvious love for lip gloss. I am not saying that straight men cannot love lip gloss and dress themselves in Krycek's fashion but it is uncommon and it was especially so back in the 90s

The infamous kiss in The Red and the Black could certainly be explained away as some kind of Russian custom but it isn't one that I am aware of and he hasn't really shown any other signs of his Russia heritage.

I would say my best evidence of Krycek's sexuality is in Essence and Existence, just look at the look on Krycek's face when Mulder trusts him to protect Scully. Krycek knows what Scully means to Mulder and then look at how seriously Krycek takes the job! I definitely feel like that moment meant a lot to him and he would have protected Scully with his life for Mulder.

There's also the fact that Krycek's unwillingness to kill Mulder lead to his own death.

Of course asking Skinner to shoot Mulder goes against this theory but I do have a couple thoughts on that, the most sensical being that he knew there was no chance Skinner would shoot Mulder and he probably knew there was no chance he would survive anymore. Maybe he made that request in hopes of sparing Mulder any pain he might have otherwise felt at his death (I know it's a bit of a stretch but my other theories require a long explanation of my thoughts on where the series had planned to go next)

The lone gunmen: no one knows....not even them

Three (I don't count Jimmy for this) single adult men who all live together in very cramped quarters and are, at least in Langley's case, perfectly happy to be around each other without thier clothes on certainly makes it seem like there's something between them all but I really don't get a overtly gay impression with any of them, even Langley who as mentioned doesn't like to wear pants and is the only one who hasn't had a love interest. They just have this sort of Vegas-esque thing. "What happens in the bachelor pad/newspaper room stays in the bachelor pad/newspaper room.

I would love to hear other people's thoughts on these and any other X-files characters you think might be somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.

[scullysexual]

pirate au fic; i’ll tell you a tale of a pirate queen (5/ )

pirate au | multi-chapter | au | multiple parts | historical au | 18th century | msr | mature | chapter 4 | ao3 | wc: 2,423 |

A tale of a Pirate Queen.

@today-in-fic

- - -

Chapter Five: Here A Man Be Free

The last few men filter through the entrance to the cave, spreading themselves out in the small area. Fifty, Dana counted, of the 300 that mull about the island, only fifty want to continue piracy. Spender keeps watch for any snitches who could’ve followed them here.

“You all know why we’re here,” Mulder asks. He stands near the back of the cave holding the pardon in his hands. “This pardon says we’ll be able to live free if we turn ourselves in but we know that’s not true. We turn ourselves in, when will we ever be allowed, trusted enough, to sail again?” She watches his eyes scan the faces of the men sat listening to him. “When will the likes of Frog, Elias, and Jacko be considered equal in the eyes of white men and gods again?” A murmur begins to rise, mutterings to the person sat next to them. Mulder looks down at the pardon and hops down from the bench he stands upon. “This pardon says all men will be free but what they don’t understand is that here, a man be free. Free from the hierarchy of a naval service, where a man is whipped if he so much as mutters a word, dares to disagree. Free to take as much or little as we want.” A stir begins to form, the mutters and murmurs etch higher and higher as men begin to shout their agreement towards Mulder.

“How many of you have risked your lives on the sea and received nothing but a pitiful handful of coppers?”

The men shout back, banging their hands on the rocks.

“Because that is what you’re asking for when you sign this.” He holds the paper up and points at it. “You’re asking for the whips, for the chains, for the poverty if this is what you agree with.”

All fifty men rise, shouting and yelling in encouragement. Adrenaline courses through Dana as she finds herself swept up in it. She looks towards Mulder who stands there looking pleased with himself. He catches her eye and she smiles.

The cries die down and a slow clap makes its way through the cave. Dana turns towards the noise as the men part and a man she has yet to meet makes his way through the crowd.

“Impressive speech Mulder,” the man says. “How long did it take you to come up with that?”

Mulder sighs. “What do you want, Krycek?”

“Just having a look,” Krycek says. His eyes scan the crew. “An interesting bunch you’ve got here, Mulder. A black man, a psycho,” his eyes finally land on Dana, the look of disgust clouding them. “And a woman.” Dana clenches her fist, staring him down. Krycek smiles and looks back towards Mulder. “Fitting for the disgraced son of a plantation owner.”

“You come to join us?” asks Mulder.

“I don’t think I fit in much,” Krycek answers. “Besides, I haven’t decided if I’m gonna accept the pardon or not yet.”

“Skinner just made you a captain,” says Spender. “Like hell you’re going to accept it.”

“Well, when I decide, I won’t let you know.” Krycek turns away, walking out of the cave.

“Will he tell anyone?” Dana asks. She didn’t trust this Krycek and Spender not stopping his entering worried her.

“No,” says Mulder. “He’s got no love for the British anymore than we do.” He shakes his head. “He won’t say anything.” He shuffles forwards, rising his voice to address the crew. “This is the plan. Tomorrow, Scully will go back to the tavern, be part of the welcoming committee and will sign the pardon on our behalf. It will give us more time to figure a way out of here.” He turns to Dana. “If anyone asks, the rest of us have gone out to sea, you’re not sure when we’ll be back.” Dana nods, it was easy enough. “I want you to report back anything you hear, okay. Anything.”

“Okay,” she agrees.

“The rest of us will camp out here until we know it’s safe to leave,” he addresses back to the men.

“Do you think this will work?” she asks him. It’s not to undermine him, her hope depends on it.

“It won’t be easy but once we’re away from here, we should be okay.”

Dana smiles, hoping that was the case.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Colton is an idiot. Ambitious, smug, carrying an air of arrogance and “I’m better than you” around him. The lower end of the ranking, Dana imagines he volunteered for this job, thinking he was doing somebody a favour. All he’s doing is shovelling the shit in the Navy’s eyes.

She signed the pardon, scribbled her signature on behalf of herself and Mulder’s crew. In three days time, they were to board The Angel and go back to England or, alternatively, they could live on here.

She does as Mulder told her. Sits in the tavern and listens to the conversations around her- one she learns are rumours that Krycek plans to take a ship called The Outlaw as the ships in their harbour would become property of the British. She keeps note of what is important and what isn’t, keeping her ears trained on Colton and Skinner, mostly, who sit on the furthest table in the room.

“There are still people yet to have signed the pardon,” she hears Colton say.

“Look,” says Skinner. “Those who want to sign it, sign it. I can’t make them.”

Colton hums. “One of these people who have yet to sign it is Aleksandr Krycek. He was your Right-Hand-Man, was he not?”

“He was,” answers Skinner.

“And you can’t account for his whereabouts?”

“I made him a Captain,” Skinner explains. “He commands his own ships now, his own crew. If he hasn’t signed the pardon, that’s his reasons.”

Dana tucks that one away; Krycek made his decision.

“Well, I doubt you’ll mind looking for him then.”

“Excuse me?”

“Those who don’t sign the pardon are to be caught and hanged, Mr Skinner.”

“You expect me to become your bounty hunter?”

“The Navy would appreciate it greatly.”

Colton’s footsteps retreat from the table, Dana watches him walk past. He takes no notice of her.

This was interesting.

She downs her drink in one gulp and scurries out of the tavern towards Mulder in his cave.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

“Krycek has gone. I overheard someone say he was planning on stealing a ship called The Outlaw, that all our ships would become property of the British.”

“Makes sense,” says Elias. “Take our ships, we can’t sail anywhere.”

Mulder nods.

“There’s more, too. Colton’s turned Skinner into some pirate bounty hunter. He’s instructed him to go after Krycek and his crew.”

“Traitor!” yells Spender, he kicks the rocks on the ground.

“And once they realise we’re not here, he’ll be instructed to go after us, too,” Mulder states.

Dana nods. Her father told her tales about Walter Skinner, how he was one of the best navigators. There was no out-sailing him.

“We’ll have to leave sooner,” says Mulder.

“How?” Elias asks. “There’s no ships left.”

An idea hits Dana. It might be suicide but it was worth ago.

“What if we took The Outlaw?”

“Steal from Krycek?” Elias laughs, shocked. “That’s the last thing you want to do.”

“It wouldn’t be stealing if we claimed it first,” Dana explains, her eyes on Mulder. “We’ll fight him for it.”

“Krycek isn’t some little amateur sailor, you stupid bitch,” shouts Spender. He stands close to her, peering down at her. “In first sailed with the Imperial Russian Navy. There’s a reason Skinner chose him as his Right-Hand.”

“Alright, back off,” commands Elias, standing between Spender and Dana, creating a wedge.

Spender steps back. “She wants to get us killed,” cries Spender, pointing his finger at Dana.

Dana goes to say something but she’s cut off by Mulder.

“I don’t see you suggesting anything, Spender.” Spender backs down. “It’s worth a shot.” He says, nodding.

Dana smiles gleefully at Spender.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

The ship sits at the bottom of the harbour. Not a soul in sight, it was easy pickings. Something about it didn’t feel right to Dana.

“If Krycek is really gone, why hasn’t he already taken it?” she asks Elias.

“Nobody knows why Krycek does anything,” says Elias. “Get untying.”

Dana nervously looks around. Her stomach twists and turns. Something was wrong about this. She might not know Krycek every well but something told her he wouldn’t just abandon his ship like this, not while knowing they were still on the island. The others, however, seem not to care. She shakes her head, puts it down to worrying about getting caught by the British and sets on untying the rope.

The moment her hands touch the rope, however, there’s a cry from Elias. She turns as he slips and his dragged into the sea by something.

She goes to shout, to alert the others, but they’re under attack, too. Some pulled beneath the pier, others with shadows holding a knife to their necks.

“You really thought it would be that easy, Mulder,” comes Krycek’s voice. He moves from the shadows, a smile across his face.

“You already have a ship Krycek,” Mulder tells him. “Why do you need this one?”

“It’s bigger, better.” He smacks the side of it. “But I am willing to fight you for it.”

The smile doesn’t leave Krycek’s face. Already, he thinks he’s won.

Mulder nods his head, not letting any fear show. “Deal.”

Krycek just smiles some more. “You win, you get the ship. I win, I get the ship and…” his eyes fall to Dana. “her.”

Dana’s stomach drops as she looks at Mulder. She catches the worry in his eye, a reminder that he isn’t a fighter.

.:.:.:.:.:.

She tries not to let her worry show. Soon as she notices her fingers tangling together, she rips them apart, even going as far to sit on her hands.

Mulder wasn’t a fighter. He avoided it as much as he could but now her life depended on him winning. Dana hoped that wasn’t too much to bear.

“I can fight him for you,” she suggests but Mulder shakes his head.

“That would be cowardly. Especially if I was to get a girl to fight for me.” He smiles. “I’ll be okay, Dana. I’ll try my best.”

She nods, knowing he will. “Will he kill you?”

“No. It’s just who gives up first.” They see Krycek ready. “The others will fight. Your going will be the last thing that happens, okay.”

Dana nods again, believing him, believing in his crew.

His lips press against hers. “I love you,” he confesses.

Dana smiles, pushes at him slightly. “Go on.”

She watches him walk away, her arms crossing over her body.

“He’s been in fights before Scully,” says Elias, soaked through yet recovered from his dip in the sea. “He’ll be okay.”

She uncrosses her arms, allowing her fingers to tangle together as she watches. A clanging of swords, near misses from both of them. Mulder tries to keep up but Krycek is too quick, the edge of his sword scrapes Mulder’s side and Krycek knocks him to the ground.

Dana holds her breath, praying for Mulder to get up, her hand subconsciously falling to her stomach.

Beside her, Elias is whispering his own mantra yet Mulder does not get up. He lays on the ground, his hand covered with blood.

“You’re just not good enough Mulder,” Dana hears Krycek say. He turns around, the victor. He’s won the ship and Dana.

“He’s gotta get past us,” says Elias, determined.

Dana smiles, trying to find comfort in that. She doesn’t tell him that the others don’t care for her.

“Or maybe not.” Elias nudges her. “Look.”

Dana looks to see a dagger pierce Krycek’s calf. The other man falls to the ground as Mulder stands up. The tables have turned and it’s them who have won the shop.

She runs to him, gathering him up in her arms. He falls against her, hissing at the pain in his side.

“Let’s get you inside,” she tells him, helping him towards the ship.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Once on board, she helps him with his clothes. The cut is long and nasty. He hisses and winces when she moves the skin.

“Is it bad?” he asks not wanting to look at it.

Dana smiles at him. “You’ll live,” she says. “It’ll scar, though.”

Mulder shrugs. “What’s another scar?”

Dana smiles slightly. She busies herself getting pieces of cloth and bunching them together to press against his side.

“You seem distracted,” he says.

One look into his eyes and Dana knows she can’t keep her thoughts to herself anymore. She drops the cloth and sighs, turning around to sit beside him on the bed.

“You won’t be mad when I tell you?” she asks, looking at her hands, pressing her thumb into her palm.

She waits for him to comment, to offer in this quip or joke. When one doesn’t come, she exhales, her eyes trained above her on the ceiling.

“Mulder…” A shaky breath falls from her lips. The internal struggle of whether to tell him or not. But he’s looking at her expectantly, it’s clear she has something to say.

“You can tell me, Dana.”

And she can. She knows she can.

“Okay,” she says, nodding, believing him. “I…I think I’m pregnant.”

Shock floods his face, then confusion, then awe.

“You’re…” he starts then shakes his head. “How can you be sure?”

She shrugs, unsure herself. “I just…know?” she offers as answers.

He jumps up, the pain in his side forgotten, smiling. Then the smile fades.

“Shit Dana,” he says. “We’re about to go…the men….”

Dana stands, ready to protest.

“They don’t have to know. Not yet.” She grabs his arms. “I’m not even showing yet. Please, don’t leave me behind.”

“Dana, it’s dangerous. This life is dangerous. If something was to happen to you, or…”

“It won’t,” she tells him. “We’re just looking for more crew, right?”

“Right.”

“Then you need me until then. Once I start showing, then you can drop me off somewhere. But until then, I stay here.”

His eyes trained on her stomach, she can see him thinking it over. Finally he nods then laughs.

“A baby…” he says in awe.

Dana finds herself laughing, too. At the absurdity of it all.

Mulder kisses her. Once then twice then once again and Dana laughs some more. She was home. And she was free.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Marasmus

Marasmus only has a handful of fics left at Gossamer, but you can find more X-Files fics at AO3 (as finisterre). Some of my favorites of her stories I've recced here before, including one of the most clever fics you could read, Cellphone (here at AO3), and the lovely, London-set A Candle for Katherine (here at AO3, bonus commentary at LJ). Big thanks to Marasmus for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Mine, yes, older XF in general, no — some of that stuff is amazing. Though I wonder how well fandom operates now there is not a plethora of rec sites. I know of yours and one more Tumblr blog and that’s it.  I find it really difficult to find good stories in any fandom unless someone whose taste maps to mine recommends something.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

I look back on it fondly, but it was one of the first things that really hammered it home to me that every grouping throughout life follows the pattern of school.

A lot of people are really talented and funny and kind. Then there are absolute ego-rampaging nightmares who act like lady bountiful in public but do cruel things in private, or chuck their toys out of the pram at the least provocation.

And like school, fandom brings together a disparate group of people who you’re friendly with, but once you leave, the ones you stay in touch with are your friends.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Thank God.

I watched the show pre-widespread internet and mostly when I had almost no money. I didn’t have regular internet access until the third season, and that was only at my incredibly conservative workplace. I didn’t get home internet access until midway through season six. You couldn’t download episodes easily, you couldn’t stream, you just had to wait until it aired overseas. I decided I didn’t care if I was spoiled and that worked for me. In fact for some particularly annoying episodes, I was glad.

I was a newsgroup and mailing list sort of person. Never really did message boards unless a newsgroup counts, though I had a Haven account.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

Mostly, how talented people are. I know some are now professional writers, but so many people who didn’t do it as anything but a hobby were also amazing.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I always liked science fiction, oddness and urban legends, so it was kind of made for me. But it was the relationship between Mulder and Scully that kept me around, and after season six, it was the fandom that kept me around. I loved Scully in particular, cos let’s be honest, Mulder can be kind of a twerp at times.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I hung out on alt.tv.xfiles.analysis (a newsgroup), which was one of the smartest boards I’ve ever been on. The threads were full of well-read, erudite people. That led to a site which collated reviews of XF episodes. They mentioned alt.tv.xfiles.creative, and I got there the summer after Gethsemane, which was pretty optimal timing.

I’d take floppy disks into conservative workplace and quietly download the most gloriously filthy fanfic onto them for reading at home on my ancient second-hand Mac.

After that I joined Scullyfic, a mailing list, which was a lovely place to hang out for a while, and got stories through a couple of other mailing lists.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Like my relationship to ice hockey: glad that activity exists and that some people enjoy it, but not watching and not involved myself.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

Reading, yes, and writing the odd bit of feedback, but any other fandom involvement didn’t really take. I’ve never found a bunch of people I liked as well as I liked some of the people in XF.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I am usually more interested in female characters than male ones (the Doctor, Mulder and Jack O’Neill notwithstanding), which is why I only read a bit of m/m slash. I usually develop a perverse dislike for any woobie the fandom loves.  

Some favourites are: Samantha Carter and Jack O’Neill, Granny Weatherwax, Furiosa, everyone from The Good Place, Donna Noble, Sarah Jane Smith, Martha Jones and Yasmin Khan, Maia from The Goblin Emperor, Cordelia Naismith and Miles Vorkosigan, General Leia Organa, Rey and Finn, and lately all of The Old Guard, even Booker...

I like nerds, pining, best friends discovering feelings for each other, second chances, redemption narratives, people being sneaky for good ends and stoics who stay stoic through all kinds of misery, only to crack and start crying when they get a happy ending.

Basically, you know Eleanor at the end of the Emma Thompson Sense and Sensibility? That.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

No. I had about four years there where I made up stories about Mulder and Scully on any commute where I’d forgotten a book, but that’s gone now. I watched two episodes of the revival, but it wasn’t for me.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I occasionally wander in and read a bit on AO3, but nothing that deals with anything past season seven. Not interested in William, not interested in domestic fiction, not even interested in post-col any more, which was 100% my crack during XF fandom days. I did read By the Dim and Flaring Lamps [Lilydale note: by @sunflowerseedsandscience] earlier this year. Love a bit of AU historical.

I read lots of different fandoms, though I am between intense enthusiasms at the moment, which always feels a bit odd.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Yes, but they’re all about 20 years old. Is there such a thing as fandom classics any more?  There used to be a litany of stories that ‘everyone should read’. I wonder how well they hold up now.

I think there are waves of writers who come into a fandom and then leave again: I think I was part of a second wave, with the first wave being Mustang Sally, RivkaT, Karen Rasch, Lydia Bower, Nascent etc.

Then there must’ve been a third wave for the revival (and mini-waves in between). I don’t know that group of writers, so I am probably leaving out people who are really good.

One of my favourite Scully voices is Five Years and One Night [Lilydale note: by Shalimar], because of the contrast between her inner monologue as written and how little she actually says.

I really like quieter, thoughtful authors like Michelle Kiefer, Cecily Sasserbaum, Scullysfan, Cofax, Anjou, Maria Nicole, Kipler.  Love everything Kel ever wrote.

At one point there were also about three authors called Rachel who were knockout. I like to think Rachel Howard is writing professionally because it’s a waste of talent if she’s not. Rachel Anton had a crazy gift for pacing and wrote a good Krycek.

I really liked Branwell’s strange AU novels, which riff off The Field Where I Died (a wretched episode but so much good writing came from it.) [Lilydale note: Condemned to Repeat It by Branwell is a really long story involving The Field Where I Died.]

Everyone who is reccing other people’s stuff here is also a good writer. (and their taste in recs is — mostly — excellent): http://www.thebasementoffice.com/museaxfnet/museans/TitlesAF.html

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

I like The Flexible Concept of Tomorrow. I loved trying to work out the timelines. I like the one about airships and cross-dressing which only exists on my iPhone and in my imagination right now.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

Only an AU, if ever. I am completely at sea with canon.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

In my head. Mostly AUs. Everyone has daemons! It’s an airship! They’re exploring space! It’s mediaeval Slovenia!

Most of my creativity is sucked away by work. Which is good I suppose, as writing fanfic never paid my Netflix subscription.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

Reading long-form journalism and non-fiction books.  

What's the story behind your pen name?

Well, I changed mine. The first one was picked out of a magazine article about Branwell Bronte, and I liked the shape of the word. Then I got to feel uncomfortable with it because it was a real illness that made people suffer. The current one comes from the shipping forecast when I was a kid.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

No, and also absolutely not. Over my dead body. Over YOUR dead body.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

I took my stories off Gossamer but I don’t remember why. They’re on AO3 now and there are probably stray copies on some archives out there.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

I have made all of these mistakes. All of ‘em.

— On no account offer unsolicited concrit. In fact, do not provide concrit EVEN IF THE PERSON ASKS FOR IT, unless you know them reasonably well and it’s in private.

— Avoid the wank. If you have the perfect riposte to something awful, write it and file it to drafts for two days. If you still want to send it after that, godspeed.

— Write anything you want, and when you start keep going. You can edit later.

— Never put any story into the public sphere unless you’ve had a second pair of eyes on it, preferably the eyes of someone who is willing to say “are you SURE about that?”

Finally, just have fun. Being in the grip of love of story is a wonderful thing, and you never know how long it will last.

(Posted by Lilydale on September 29, 2020)

[carefulfears]

Top 5 Skinner is annoyed with Mulder and Scully moments

okay this isn't really like him chewing them out but my top 5 "walter skinner doesn't need this" moments that make me giggle

1/ when mulder crashed the car and went missing in iwtb and skinner had to go pick scully up and he kept trying to calm her down and tell her to breathe and that mulder is fine

and he said "he wouldn't do anything crazy" and scully fully STOPPED to turn over and give him a LOOK

like this

it's lowkey my favorite moment in the movie because you can tell that scully is trying so hard to keep it together and her lip keeps quivering that whole scene until he says that line and she's just like???? i'm trying not to start screaming and your words of wisdom are "mulder wouldn't do anything crazy?????"

he's like girl i'm trying!!!! bless his heart

2/ when he asks mulder who the father of scully's baby is and mulder's just like "lol i dunno ask her" ...HE SUFFERS SO MUCH!!!

skinner was the first person to know about scully's pregnancy and the only person who was there for her for most of it and helping her, and he had made comments about mulder being the father before, so his ass knew. he's just like...so are y'all ready to be serious people or...?

mind you, at this point, skinner was the one who DUG MULDER'S COFFIN OUT OF THE GROUND!!!!!!!! just for him to behave like a deadbeat.

3/ when mulder was in the psych ward (the second time) and skinner was trying to help him and mulder just full-on physically attacked him to pass him a note written in BLOOD...girl WHAT?????

related: a couple years earlier when mulder was in the psych ward the first time for trying to shoot a man in skinner's office in front of him

4/ when mulder was on trial for murder and scully and skinner were like "we're gonna get you the best lawyer" and mulder's suicidal ass was like "lol no i don't want a lawyer skinman can defend me"

he suffers. so. much.

and then he DOES!!! he puts so much time and effort into trying to give mulder a good defense and mulder blocks like half their witnesses and is like i hope they DO give me death row, bitch!

once again can i remind you that skinner has already buried him

(also, that it was around this time that skinner had to tell him about william breaks my heart. but that's another conversation.)

5/ literally the entire episode of zero sum. skinner sold his soul to the devil to not only save scully, but to protect mulder too, and the whole time mulder is just cluelessly following behind like "almost figured out who sold their soul to the devil, boss!"

god it's literally so fucking funny like one of the funniest episodes of the show to me because it's like everyone forgets how good at his job mulder is until it's used against them

a few runner-ups but we could all go for ages:

all of the times that not only mulder and scully, but also clones of samantha, held him at gunpoint when he was just trying to help

the time mulder caught a sewer monster and skinner had to call the DA and ask how to prosecute it

this is an obvious one but the time mulder punched him because he’d been dosed with LSD

the line, "i helped A.D. skinner with his migraines. which he claims are due to you." that one of the baby agents says to mulder in s10

another favorite revival moment of mine is in this when mulder and scully are attacked and can't go home so skinner has to drive out to the woods and give them money

i don't even want to mention the time that mulder accidentally let a serial killer loose and then told skinner it was because of a dream

the reports that he has to read...the reports that he has to read....the reports that he has to read........

lol i just remembered when skinner brought krycek into mulder's office and mulder just SHOT up like a dog and tried to beat the shit out of him WORDLESSLY.

we love you so much skinman!

[dreamingofscully]

7x02. “The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati” (part 3 of 3) - X-Files Rewatch

“Scully, I was like you once-- I didn't know who to trust. Then I... I chose another path... another life, another fate, where I found my sister. The end of my world was unrecognizable and upside down. There was one thing that remained the same. You... were my friend, and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant... my touchstone.” - Mulder “And you are mine.” - Scully

Pretty long analysis. Let me know what you think of my interpretation of Mulder’s vision!

Mulder’s vision on the beach is the future in a vision/dream that doesn’t quite make sense to him yet. The couple represents him and Scully and William.

The future he wants, subverted by the vision given to him by CSM. It’s purpose: to make Mulder give up and abandon Scully.

Scully is THE ONLY THING separating Mulder from his destruction; whether that is the desertion of his quest through his complacency or his death. CSM wishes to make Mulder into his copy, not caring about anything except himself, but if he can’t have that he’ll settle for killing him.

Diana doesn’t care if Mulder chooses her of his own free will, just as long as she possesses him. She is unaware that CSM doesn’t care if Mulder dies until he tells her so, which makes her change her mind and give the tools to Scully to help him.

The only person who knows that Mulder and Scully are involved? Krycek. He has his hands everywhere, and keeps most of his knowledge to himself so he can take advantage of it in the future. Remember: CSM tried to kill Krycek. He’s working with him now only out of necessity, just waiting for an opportunity to get the upper hand. It’s not as simple as killing CSM, he wants him to suffer and he wants power. 

How can CSM read Mulder’s mind? Because he can’t. He’s giving this vision to Mulder as soon as he enters the room. The same way they make him sicker (Diana at Mulder’s apartment), they have some sort of technology to force a vision on him (I don’t know the exact mechanism, but I also can’t explain how they impart Mulder’s specialness to CSM through a brain operation, so...). When Diana says to Mulder in the last episode “Now we can be together” it indicates to me that there is a purpose to putting Mulder through the dream he is experiencing.

CSM as Mulder’s father. This would throw Mulder off. He wants to trust people and is susceptible to being manipulated because of it. Perhaps there is a small part of Mulder that believes CSM might have good intentions because he thinks he is his father.

Scully sleeping at Mulder’s desk, awakened by Kritschgau. She has her notes on the computer, so I’ll assume she also has the diary she was writing. Kritschgau threatens Scully, like that’s going to stop her from doing everything to help Mulder.

Mulder’s true vision comes back again, and it’s the first time we see the boy. IT’S WILLIAM. The future, again. Interrupted by CSM.

CSM gets Mulder to think he’s dying, that there’s little to be gained by returning. His first thought is to contact Scully, but CSM claims she’ll be in danger. Why doesn’t he return? He doesn’t return because of the chance that what CSM is telling him is correct, and because he wants to see what the purpose of all of this is. Mulder’s guilt plays heavily in this decision as well: he’s always felt responsible for the things that happened to Scully and that he doesn’t deserve Scully, now he has a chance to do something that will, perhaps, make her safer. It’s easy for him to give up what makes him happy when he feels like he’s doing what’s right. Also, if Mulder is anything, he’s curious. He wants to explore what it is that CSM is showing him before abandoning it. By this exploration, however, he tacitly accepts this dream and it unfolds before him.

Scully has another vision. She is the spiritual tether, the only thing that keeps Mulder from completely abandoning himself for the vision. Hosteen was the one responsible for bringing Mulder back from the brink of death in “The Blessing Way”, so now he confers that responsibility to Scully. The importance of bringing him back “for the sake of us all”. More allusions to the tragedy that will befall humanity if Mulder were to abandon his quest. 

Mulder’s mother seems to be involved. It COULD be a shapeshifter alien, but I think if she thought that this was the only way to keep him alive she would go along with CSM’s plans.

“I felt responsible for your death.” - Mulder “You can let that go.” - Deep Throat

Lulling Mulder with absolution. He doesn’t have to be the martyr. He doesn’t have to FEEL. Letting go of his guilt means giving EVERYTHING up, the good along with the bad.

Mulder's forced vision keeps getting interrupted by his true dreams, by his connection to Scully (in the form of William). The message is to keep trying, to persist, to FIGHT AND NOT GIVE UP.

His vision with Diana and the handcuff symbolism. She releases him which implies that now he is ‘free’ but in reality he is only shackled by his choice to forget and give up. A sense of freedom exists in forgetting all the tragedy that came before this, in living another life instead, starting over. He can have everything (his sister, perceived happiness), but in order to do so he receives nothing, he must live a lie. Perfection only in a complete lack of feeling, numbness. If you can’t be hurt, you cannot feel joy either.  

Scully confronting Diana. FUCK YES. Diana’s argument is incredibly stupid. “Oh yeah? Well I may have betrayed him but at least I didn’t not prevent it!!” What? (Remember, she doesn’t have any idea about the nature of Mulder & Scully’s relationship yet.)

“I just want you to think. Think of Mulder when you met him. Think of the promise and the life in front of him. Think of him now. And then try and stand there in front of me, look me in the eye and tell me Mulder wouldn't bust his ass trying to save you.” - Scully

Love Scully’s counter-argument (even though it’s like she’s debating a two-year-old, she could say anything and fucking win). Making it about Mulder. Reminding Diana the reasons WHY she wants to possess him so badly, that she is turning him into something else, and the point of it all will be lost. The fucking spine it takes for her to acknowledge that Diana did love him at one point. Again, she’s not jealous anymore, she knows where she stands with him.

Mulder’s final vision of the boy. He finished his project but is now destroying it. Mulder is destroying all the work, and the progress he’s made over the years. For nothing (LITERALLY nothing - emptiness, hollowness and superficiality).

Following, and directly linked to, Scully’s vision. Part 2 of Albert Hosteen. Again, emphasizing her spiritual connection to Mulder. Needing to look for him through her heart. “There are more worlds than the one you can hold in your hand.” This links the spiritual with the unexplainable things she can hardly stand to believe in, not yet anyway. This is one of her first steps towards belief, to acknowledging the fantastical as truth. She’s not ready to believe fully, but she does have faith.

When Scully prays, we see Mulder on his deathbed. Hearing about all the deaths of those around him, but the only one that affects him is Scully’s. The only one who matters. The symbol of all he’s given up. Not only did he walk away from his guilt, but he walked away from his love and from the truth.

Scully comes to him as she is in reality, representing the truth instead of a fantasy. Mulder isn’t really dying, this vision is fake. She wakes him from his comfortable dream, always tells him the truth even if it’s uncomfortable. ALWAYS.

Scully at the DOD. She told Mulder in his vision that he’d been lulled to sleep, he’d been living a lie, living a shallow existence. She wakes him with her tears and her kiss, her emotional pleas. A return to reality and all the beauty and ugliness that living in this world means. 

Mulder’s “You... help... me.” Finally. The help he’s needed, she gives. Through her spiritual journey (visions through Albert Hosteen) and through her strict adherence to finding the truth and standing up for what’s right (confronting Diana).

One Week Later…

Scully’s been caring for Mulder while he’s been recovering, staying at his place. She’s been filling him in on everything she saw, going over the notes she gathered, but until this moment she hasn’t let herself consider the implications. She’s been on auto-pilot, happy to have him back and worried about his health. She returns to him the morning before her first day back at work. 

Mulder knows how much this confirmation of his beliefs leaves her shaken and confused. He also knows her and what she’s afraid of. He saw into her mind for a brief period, knows the shining truth of her intentions. He can wait for her, just happy she’s there with him. KNOWING that this is the right path, guilt and all.

Mulder’s words are just… so him. No simple “I love you”’s for this fellow. They are each others’ anchor, the most important and guiding force in their lives. Mulder has been dealing with his guilt for so long, and while he still has it and will always carry that with him, he realizes that he can’t just move on. The guilt serves as a reminder, and to forget it would mean forgetting all the good as well.

And... the gazing, the lingering kiss and her fingers grazing tenderly over his lips. So plAToniC. 

She leaves because she’s going to work. I’m envisioning Mulder calling out before she gets onto the elevator, asking her to come back later. Scully’s like “haven’t I always?”

The last vision Mulder has, of him and the boy working together, finishing their project. He’s on the right path. Their connection is stronger than ever, now. ❤️

[aubrey-plaza]

CREATOR TAG MEME

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I was tagged by:

Sarah / @timothyolyphant. Sarah Sarah Sarah, where do I even begin. Started from the bottom now we here but it’s actually started from an ask I sent on anon about getting sunburnt in Bali, and now we here. Life always manages to remind me that through adversity you forge valuable bonds and you are one of those. Your gifs are amazing and your personality is even more stunning. I love talking to you and I love seeing much you love fostering people’s creativity. It has truly made me look at gifmaking in a different light and injected to much fun and positivity into this. So thank you, friend <3

Nums / @cillianmurphy. Nums, my love, fellow Bulb. What could I possibly have done so well in the past to deserve your presence in my life! Always teaching me new slang by osmosis and always a balm to my weathered heart, you lift even the darkest days with your kindness, consideration, and love for Paddington 2 best movie ever made. Plus your gifmaking brain is full chefs kiss. Thank you for teaching me so many things. One day when the world stops being so crazy I WILL visit you and hug you and that is a threat <3

Kumi / @hollywoods. Kumi, my cat icon kin. Simply said, I think your gifmaking skills are out of this world and your graphics live rent free in my mind. Your humour never fails to make me laugh and I need you to know that I STILL think about the time you described yourself as wearing a jester outfit jangling across the court for a laff. You’re a bright spot in my life and I’m grateful I’ve gotten to know you this year. Please never stop being so amazing <3

Cece / @nickyoung. Cece my darling. Thank you SO much for joining my lovecraft sideblog, I literally could not have done it without you. We don’t talk a lot but that doesn’t mean I don’t value you so much. Your creativity is incredible and your sets are SO fucking gorgeous and honestly goals. Seeing you flourish fills me with so much pride and joy and I’m so happy we got to know each other this year <3

Okay emo stuff out of the way, time for my favourite edits! There were a lot and im indecisive so here goes:

max max: fury road set - I like to call this set “kate learns how to make a colour set.” I learned how to make gifs and mmfr is one of my all-time favourite movies so it was only right that I made a set. I always thought this movie was only orange and blues, but making this gifset made me fall in love with the movie even more

birds of prey / dinah lance set - Dinah Lance love of my life. If you’ve followed me this year, you will know that I went into birds of prey a person and left birds of prey a dinah lance stan. I previously made a birds of prey colour set, but I wanted to do one JUST for dinah. I’ve seen one too many people say that it’s hard to do colour sets of poc so I had to see for myself and I’m SO proud of how colourful this set is. plus, yknow, I love her. 

pacific rim / stacker pentecost set - pacrim is one of my FAVOURITE movies and this character has so many iconic lines. This lowkey turned into a colour set which isn’t hard for a movie like pacrim. 

record stores in films set - I woke up one sunday morning and my brain was YELLING at me to make this set. I downloaded 25 movies that all have iconic record store scenes and watched every single one and ended up with ten perfect gifs. I cut so many movies bc they didn’t work as well and I’m so sad abt that but I had SO much fun watching the movies and ended up falling in love and finding a new fave in the compilation so it was really a Project and I had Fun. 

the old guard set - this line makes me SO feral and I just HAD to gif it. It’s one my favourites because it’s my new lesson for life.

BONUS: my Lovecraft Country sets. This show taught me SO much and despite it’s awful ending, I’m still grateful for the first 7 episodes and I did end up making 65 sets for it over 10 weeks so I feel it deserves a special place in my 2020 recap

women in history - learning about history through a show, is there anything better? This set in particular was SO easy to make and took me literally 20 minutes, but that’s because it’s built on a solid foundation of knowledge. I knew the moment I saw a character which person in history she was and I think that’s a kudos to the show and to how well they taught me stuff. Also these other historical sets. 

leti lewis outfits - took me FOR EVER. still fun tho.

episode 2 colours - speaks for itself but this show is so STUPID to colour and you can never use a psd bc every scene is lit differently but making a colour set was so much fun because of the challenge

this name etymology set - this took me four days and SO much time but im so proud of it because I tried new techniques and learned so much

Tagging some friends because I love seeing y’alls creations but I want to know what YOUR favourites are!

@vicspedretti @daisylouisejohnson @dani-clayton @hannahsgrose @jodiewhittakerr @hannahjohn-kamen @robintunney @chris-evans @alex-krycek @clintfbarton @bosemanchadwick @chloebeale @hailesteinfeld @timeslord @melsmonroe @annelisters @owenjoyner 

[bigfootwrites]

A Jewel Beneath The Moonlight [Reposted Anniversary]

One

Two

Three

Four

AO3

@today-in-fic @mypanicface @improlificinsarcasm @enigmaticxbee Please let me know if you’d like to be tagged in this!

- - - 

Chapter Five

It’s been a while since he’s felt his head pound as it does. Mulder’s hangover doesn’t treat him well, the lack of sleep from last night also wasn’t helping.

Krycek had caught him. Mulder had no doubts that the younger man had probably been spying on him all evening on behalf of his father. The journey up to the rooms, Krycek had spent goading Mulder, telling him just how much trouble the Golden Boy was in. Mulder had ignored him, as best he could, walking ahead and blocking the boy’s voice from his ears.

Only once in bed and sobered up did Mulder let the worry in. The rat had probably scampered off to Father before coming back and waiting for Mulder to leave third class, just to appear out of nowhere with that stupid smug smile Mulder wouldn’t mind wiping off the bastard’s face one day.

Now, he tries to ignore the tension circling around the room, the quiet anger radiating from his father.

Mr Mulder had all be ordered Phoebe out of the room, proclaiming to want some alone time with his son. Mulder knew what was happening, what his father was doing. He was almost hesitant to let Phoebe go but the look in Father’s eyes, the way he stood with his back keeping the door open, telling Phoebe she needed to leave shut down any hopes that Mulder had of keeping her with them.

Mulder picks at his breakfast, his stomach revolting from the hangover or from worry, he isn’t sure. His nervous glances towards his father are too common, every move his father makes has Mulder flinching, something he immediately scolds himself for afterwards every time.

The tension is killing him. He feels like weak prey sitting here, caught in a trap with no way out.

“Your mother was worried about you last night,” Father starts, not looking up from the paper he reads.

Mulder cringes, clamping down on the guilt that swirls in his stomach. This method, Mulder thinks. Bring up Mother and how she feels, great.

“I told her she had nothing to worry about,” Bill Mulder continues. “He’ll be back soon, I said, of course that was before I got word you were off gallivanting down in steerage.”

“I wasn’t gallivanting,” Mulder cuts in. “I was invited down there.”

Mr Mulder throws his paper down on the table, his anger now seeping atop of the lid.

“Those people could have ripped you apart and stolen everything you’re worth, did you think of that before you accepted the invitation?”

Mulder tries desperately hard to not roll his eyes, his jaw clenching.

“But I wasn’t and that didn’t happen. I just danced and had fun.”

“Had fun,” Bill laughs. “Fun is for children, Fox, you were almost a father, there’s no time for fun anymore.”

A sting of sadness stabs his gut. In of the concern for Phoebe’s wellbeing through the whole miscarriage, nobody had once consoled him. Phoebe got a dog, he got nothing, not even an ounce of comfort from anyone.

It was his child, too.

A cap on his anger, his father calms down. “Now I know this year has been difficult but that doesn’t give you an excuse to fool around. I’ll admit, this Scully girl isn’t as bad as I thought she would be but she’s not good for you either, getting you in trouble like this…” Bill sighs, leaning back to look at his son. “Maybe you’re just looking for friendship, after Samantha—”

“It’s been twelve years,” Mulder says, unable to stay silent much longer. “It’s got nothing to do with her.”

“Maybe it does,” his father says, the man who has all the answers to everything and is never wrong. “Maybe she reminds you of her somehow but that doesn’t make this…acquaintance right.”

A beat passes and Mulder mulls this over. At eight Sam had a freedom about her but that was only because she was a child, naïve to the path that was set out for her. Scully has no path, she is freedom- hers and his. This is about freedom, not long-lost sisters.

“It’s best you don’t see that girl anymore.”

The words hit like bricks.

“And to make sure you don’t, for the rest of the journey we thought it best you stay in our sights,” Mulder’s eyes shut in defeat. “There’s a service at ten and a tour after,” Bill explains but Mulder’s barely listening at this point. “You will attend both with your mother, Phoebe, and myself.” With that, Bill pushes away from the table and leaves the room.

Now alone, his face falls into his hands. His sentence has begun.

 Religion had never been something he believed in, never something he needed. Most people used it as a clutch, something to give them faith when there was nowhere else to turn to. He respected it but he ever found it necessary.

His mother had dragged him and his sister to church when they were younger; Sam liked the hymns, Mulder liked going home.

He feels much like a child now, sandwiched between his mother and father much had he had to be when he was younger, only it’s Phoebe who sits to the side of Mother rather than Sam.

Time drags and his head hurt, somewhere behind him he could hear a voices, or voices, from behind the glass doors. Mulder twists in the bench, looking out beyond the doors, unable to see the figure making a fuss fully but also certain that he caught a glimpse of red hair.

“Get her out of here,” Father says to Krycek. He passes him a pound note and the boy scurries to the doors. Mulder watches.

“Face the front,” Father tells him and automatically Mulder turns. In a low, calming voice his father speaks.

“I’ll give you permission to talk to her later on,” Bill tells him. “You’re to tell her that you’re thankful for the company she’s provided but she’s not to bother you again. She stays in her area and you’ll stay in yours. Krycek will accompany you.”

Mulder doesn’t say anything, instead feeling more padlocks be added to his prison.

The service ends soon enough, for which Mulder is grateful for. He’s ready to head to his room and stay there for the rest of the journey.

He goes to do as much before Phoebe’s voice is stopping him.

“If we go now we’ll still make it in time for the tour.”

The bloody tour, Mulder thinks, he’d forgotten about that. He turns, eyeing his father with pleading eyes, hoping that he’ll let him go.

Of course, Father does the complete opposite.

“Yes,” Bill says, making direct eye contact with Mulder. “Fox was just telling me he couldn’t wait.”

The bastard.

Despite his father’s proclamation, Mulder makes no effort to be at all interested in the tour. He lingers at the back, catching words here and there about how long the ship took the built, who built it, why they built it, pointless stuff that Mulder just wasn’t interested in right now. Phoebe took to the front, constantly asking questions and if Mulder was in a better mood right now, he’d be surprised as her level of curiosity.

“How many lifeboats are there?” Phoebe asks.

“Twenty, I was told.”

“Is that enough?”

The small group stop, surrounded by sixteen lifeboats, Mulder counts, pressed up against the sides and out of the way as much as possible.

“Bit of an eyesore, aren’t they?” Mulder hears his father say.

The guide up front shrugs, mutters something about them being necessary to which Father hums in disagreement at.

“Let me show you the pool,” the guide says.

The pool is nothing special despite people ‘oohing’ and ‘awing’ at it. They get the history, they watch people swim and Mulder’s just about ready to drown himself.

Just as they’re about to leave, his name is called. Mulder spins, catching a glance of a person who disappears behind a pillar and he knows it’s Scully.

His heart sinks.

The group, and most importantly his father, busy following the tour, Mulder breaks away, heading towards the pillar with a lump in his throat.

“Finally,” Scully says grabbing onto his arm and pulling him towards her, hiding him from view. “I didn’t think I’d get a chance to see you.” His chest feels heavy, a sad smile flittering across his lips and instantly Scully’s frowning. “What’s wrong?”

Mulder stares at her, this woman that he feels like he’s known forever, who gave him access to a life away from pre-built paths and futures decided. He thinks of last night, of the fun that he had and the consequences having fun created. He thinks of his father, of Phoebe, of a life he doesn’t want but has to take it all the same.

He doesn’t want to lose Scully, but it’s only right. After this journey, after this ship docks, they’ll go their separate ways, end the ties now when they’re new rather than later when they’ve grown more attached.

“Scully, I…” He struggles with the words, with getting them out, with even forming them. His heart pounds, his head pounds still with the hangover, his stomach twists and his father’s probably now noticed he’s not with them. Can he not do this another time? Later? Tomorrow? Never…

“What is it?” she asks, she knows something amiss, knows there’s something wrong.

“I…can’t see you anymore,” he says slowly. “I don’t want to.” A lie, his brain screams. But it isn’t. Not exactly. He may have been glum before but he wasn’t conflicted, he was bound to do right by Phoebe, to work on their relationship and make something out of it. “It’s too complicated, what we have.”

He watches her blue eyes turn to grey steel, the concern turning to hurt and then to anger.

“We’re just friends, Mulder, what else did you think we were?”

The word stings. He remembers her dancing, with the little boy and later when the night had progressed. Remembers her answers at the dinner and their conversations before it, the smile she’d given him when she knew she was doing well. Mulder can’t even begin to pinpoint what moment it turned complicated.

“I know, I know,” he answers quickly, frowning, thinking. “It’s just…I love Phoebe and you…”

The words die on his tongue, a realisation crosses Scully’s face and Mulder’s stomach falls. He’d mistakenly just told her the truth when he should have finished the words.

He doesn’t even try to.

“Right,” Scully says, all metal and concrete. “I suppose I should take this as kindness, so I should, you not making me your bit on the side, an’ all.”

Mulder shakes his head furiously, “No, no, it’s not like that!”

She moves away from him and Mulder misses the closeness already.

“Why not?” She’s fire and ice at the same time, both burning and he wants it to stop. “That’s all we are to you anyway, isn’t it? Something new when the regular gets old.”

Words aren’t forming, he just continues to shake is head, it all spilling out of control before him.

She brushes past him, knocking into him on the way. Before she leaves, she turns back towards him, attempting to deliver one last blow.

“I hope you’re happy, Mr Mulder. I hope Phoebe makes you happy.”

“It’s my father!” he shouts before she leaves, above the natural loud volume of the swimming pool they’re still standing in. “He wants this marriage to work, he doesn’t want any distractions.”

It was the wrong thing to say as Scully swirls, ready to say something before it seemingly dies on her lips. With one last cold hard stare she leaves.

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

I thought I was going to write something about Castiel's death, but everything I tried just came out...messy and really personal and. I don't know. I think I'm just...not gonna, for the most part.

I'm happy for the people who are happy. I don't personally think it's a materially different scene from 12x12, but obviously it hit different for a lot of people, so okay. I think it's a thematically sound end to Castiel's arc -- I know how to love everything because I learned how to love you is basically what they've been rocking with him all along, and I appreciate that there's beauty in it.

It... wasn't for me, at this moment in my life. I'm just tired. I feel like I've been asking the same question my whole adult life -- what's it like to be a queer man? What does it mean? For a long time I believed I was doing it as An Artist; at some point I had to start dealing with the fact that I've always been asking the question as a queer trans man, that the question was about me before and behind all the other men I used as my avatars for it.

And I just carry such sadness, and then anger, and then more sadness. For growing up in the shadow of AIDS and Matthew Shepard. For having to construct an answer out of My Own Private Idaho and Hard Core Logo and The Talented Mr. Ripley -- for how much I love them and how the magnitude of their beauty for me is inseparable from the pain. For the way that my history of media is Alex Krycek, who kissed a man and then died, and Toby Beecher, who loved a man who betrayed him, and Tim Bayliss, who loved a man who couldn't love him back and then the darkness swallowed him. For Kiss of the Spider Woman and 3some and Brokeback Mountain and on and on and on. For all my cis and trans brothers who needed to know what it's like, and were given so much grief to carry by way of an answer.

It's hard. I'm tired. I absorbed so much death along with my desire, the twining of them is carved so deeply in me that it's been a constant shadow over my transition, this feeling of doom, of inheriting a legacy of wanting and being and never having. Never owning a share of all those stories about the power of love, only the beauty of knowing what wanting is like.

And I made what I could out of it. I've loved stories about loss. I've created them. I've mined them for what I could use, transformed them or leaned into them or both. I've wrestled with this inheritance like -- well, like Jacob wrestling an angel for a blessing. I've done my part, put in the work.

I'm tired, and I just can't do it this time. I can observe the parts of this story that are satisfying or validating or wise, at least potentially, but as hard as I look, this year I can't find it in myself to celebrate. I would truly rather have seen him go out any way on earth rather than as another doomed queer man, with his death forever welded to a love he had to hold and speak all by himself because he spent it on a man who couldn't or wouldn't meet him where he was. Literally anything would have hurt me personally less than that.

So I guess I wrote about it, at least a bit. Writing is how I've always processed everything, is the remedy I come back and back to, is my oldest and only means of resistance.

Several years ago, I wrote a long Supernatural story in a blur of anger and grief at the world, processing my best friend's suicide and wondering again about the Meaning of It All. Castiel was an invaluable character to me at that point in my life, and through him I could give voice to a lot of my struggles with the idea of hope, and at the act two break I put into his mouth: "The only thing that ever made me better -- the only thing that I'm proud of now -- is that... when I saw something that struck me as beautiful, I stopped to love it. That's all I ever did that was good. That's all I have left to give."

He meant a lot to me. I'm happy for those of you who can think foremost about the beauty his story brought into your life. I've been there; I get it. I believe there's a goodness in beauty that's immortal and invincible. I really do.

Okay. Now I log off, and I go write. Everybody take care.