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stickynotestoletters · 4 years ago

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Yandere BNHA Boys pt 2

Okay, this is a continuation of the first yandere ones I did because I wrote that in basically a night and was too tired to do more, I'm probably gonna post some after for the pro heroes and villains if I have time, I might finish those on the weekend then post it.

This is just a bunch of headcanons I have about the boys in BNHA and what they’d be like as yanderes. Only the really fluffy or good things about them listed here. Neither of these works are a good depictions of a real yandere and make sure to be careful to identify yandere traits in real people around you. It’s a very dangerous world and stay safe!

sorry if you were waiting for me to come out with these and I literally took forever lol, link to the first one is here. It's basically just me comforting myself with the sweet things that I think they would do as yanderes.

Warnings: Brainwashing, blood, gore, death, trans headcanons, body dysmorphia, nonbinary they/he Sero, they/them pronouns + nonbinary headcanons for Tokoyami, he/they nonbinary headcanons with Shinsou, a little NSFW because if I don't specify then they are aged up (around 20-25 is where I imagine the timeline that they actually captured you and have a hero carrier going for them already), manipulation, regular yandere things, kinda just turns into dumbass horknee headcanons at some point after Shinsou (sorry lmfao), objectification

Sero Hanata

so basically the first time they saw you they immediately wanted to come up to you

they love to give you back hugs because once you stop trying to fight them he's gonna be so honored you finally trust him

Big time slut [non-derogetory] for you

Likes to have an apartment that's high up, probably a secured penthouse with lots of windows

If you're afraid of heights they will get a ground bed for you two, they would also vibe with a low hanging hammock if you allow it

they really really like just putting you on a custom made leash, not inherently in a sexual way just in general likes to have it look like that with their tape on you at all times

they really really like it when you come to them for hugs and comfort

If you're a trans reader, if you want a binder he will get you one as soon as you ask, cried when you told him about it.

they cried way more than you though...

Was very accepting as an nb person as well

they custom made you a tape binder of his

Kinda as a joke but high key felt like they were gonna combust at the thought of you wearing that for them

Takes you to pride but you cannot speak

only takes you to pride after they are 1000% sure that you're not gonna speak to anyone but them

Takes you to it as a part of their float because they'd been invited onto the Hero Float

You are in a costume that's exactly like his, helmet and everything, you aren't allowed to be looked at

After that though, it's gonna be your choice to go or not to go

they trust you a little more after you run away from some assholes though and after that sometimes lets you take your helmet off during pride, you have to give them a lot of kisses though

When/if you ever consider any type of surgery he is 110% on board

they demand that you have to have it performed by someone who has done this a million times before, trusts no one else

If there's a way for you to go through it without the surgery they're excited but he's more excited if there is surgery because they love the idea of you being so cuddly and clinging to them for their comfort

Tokoyami Fumikage

haha they're in love with you

like, intensely in love with you the moment they first meet you

Dark shadow thinks you're adorable but says nothing more about their obsession with you

when you met them before UA they absolutely cannot handle being around you in a 10-foot radius

Eventually, though they do try and become a friend of yours

After that, it's a hop on the manipulation train, my dude

they basically make you see them as your savior from a mean uncaring world

they love talking to you about things that make you happy and loving you in little ways

hugs, hand holding, a lot of time it's just a little peck (haha) on the cheek

they love living with you though, like really love it

they like baking and making dinner for you

but especially baking

like really, baking

the manipulation they use makes it seem like everything is okay when you only talk to them so that's what you do and to you, it seems so much better than anything you could do

they haven't come out to you by the time you come out to them so your trans journey really helps them figure things like that out as well

The first time you explain that gender is a made-up construct they're like "yeah......isn't that how everyone feels? Like, not a gender????" we love this for them

you both kind of heal each other through this process

they like seeing you when you're most comfortable so they get you as many binders as you need

also gets you a custom binder like Sero but with feather designs, not like stupid printable patterns but something that is soft and the softness isn't feathers it's regular fluffy cloth

idk I'm not a designer that's why I gave up and became a writer lmao

they also get you a compression corset because they're emo

if there is surgery it takes a lot of time to convince them

they don't ever want you to regret anything they helped you with so it takes a lot of long-winded conversations about it

there was a lot of nervousness on their part because (this is just my headcanon) they were almost convinced to get surgery to construct their face to look human-like

they had a lot of their family tell them that, because of the way they looked, they had less of a chance to become a hero, they were immensely traumatized by this and thus wants to make absolutely sure you were okay with this

but when they finally find themself comforted by you about it it happens quickly and in the safest way you could possibly imagine

Shinso Hitoshi

Shinsou didn't want to approach you at all, he was so scared you'd run away or tell him he's a villain

they always thought that they weren't good enough for you

he loved you but you needed to say hi first

and you did

so he whisked you away

they like to just brainwash you into tasting certain types of food when you're craving them instead of just getting you food

he likes to talk to you in a voice like he would talk to a kitten, not like husky or anything sexy, but something cute and adorable

especially when you're brainwashed and can't say anything to him

He likes to give you lots of soft stuff like I'm talking pillows upon pillows and squishmallows

once he gets his own house they get it in a place that's more comforting in the dark than in the light

they really like the dark and outdoorsy vibe anyway so if they choose a place somewhere in the forest to keep you what's the added bonus if no one can hear you scream?

a little bit of spice; he has this whole a/b/o fantasy (idk it's his vibes that he'd read that fanfic and stuff lmao) and kinda treats you like you were an omega

sometimes if you guys do have sex they'll brainwash you to act like an omega or once he's more experienced with bodily manipulation involving their quirk they'll make you do all of the......omega things

when you come out to them, if you're trans, they're definitely gonna not care

like if you need comfort and stuff about it they will not make a big deal about it

he legit is like "okay .....can I still fuck you or?????"

HE JUST GIVES OFF REALLY HORKNEE VIBES OKAY?????

definitely brainwashes you into not feeling dysphoric anymore though

like loves it when you come up all sad to him and uncomfy just to ask them to brainwash you

he melts over you cuddling them after those times though

if you want surgery they're gonna make sure that it's between him and the doctors that y'all are there

like no one knows you're there, completely off radius, in and out like nothing (he's basically a cryptid in the woods by the time you guys have the surgery, so they wanna make sure no one questions it)

Monoma Neito

bold of you to assume that man can express literally anything when he wants to just sit you on his lap and look at your pretty face

love at first sight taken literally but not in a shallow way

he loves just having you around him

kinda treats you as an accessory at times, talks like you're a purse or something and people don't really comment but it's really freaking them out sometimes when you don't speak up on it

likes to say he's the only one to understand you cause he's afraid you'd leave him

a hardcore fan of collars though

definitely has lots of jewelry that represents him even though you don't go out he still loves the idea of it

big time cook

loves providing for you, never lets you do a damn thing other than watching pre-approved cartoons and hobbies

absolute fucking disaster about hugging you

always has to be touching you

he thinks you're so fucking gorgeous and body worships you even out of the bedroom

if you're trans he will definitely be weird about it at first

he's just diet transphobic

he's not denying it but sometimes he's like "Are you sure???" and stuff

he clears this up with the help of you being pissed enough to not eat or talk to him until he apologizes

he then educates himself on it and comes to the conclusion that he was in fact being an asshole

talks to you about binders and stuff like that

doesn't really believe in surgery, he would never allow you to do that just because it would be too painful for him to see you go through

he instead literally searches the whole fucking globe for a person with a body-altering quirk to make sure you don't get hurt

he seeks out homophobes, transphobes, and other dumbasses on the regular just to kill them like literally it just started out for your approval but now it's just for fun

Anyway, the villain one (if I do it) will probably become just horknee brain rot cause I am a slut. Request some stuff and I'll try to put up some works if y'all want ig.

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spidersmiceandeverythingnice · 4 years ago

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OISIN - 4* CASTER - PROFILE

Under the read more!

Summon: “My name is Oisin. I am a poet – and now, I am your Caster-class Servant. Though our time together won’t last forever, I’m glad to meet you, Master."

Initial Information:

A beautiful poet, blessed with eternal youth and wisdom. Though he is a great knight, he is most famous for his silver tongue, which has preserved the legends of many heroes in what is now called the "Fenian" or "Ossianic" Cycle of Irish mythology.

Passive Skills

Territory Creation A

Item Construction C

Divinity C

Active Skills

Heroic Legacy A – Increase defense for three turns and clear own debuffs, increase attack and star generation for all allies for three turns.

Blessings of Youth A – Apply invincibility for 3 turns, apply Arts, Quick, and Buster up for 3 turns. Costs 9 critical stars.

Storyteller B – Drain all enemy NP charge, increase own NP charge, increase party NP gain for 3 turns.

NOBLE PHANTSAM: Dord Fianna – the War Cry to Defend Humanity (QUICK)

Area of effect Noble Phantasm that deals damage to all enemies, special bonus damage to any Threat to Humanity trait enemies. Applies defense down, critical strength down, and slight chance to inflict Terror status to all enemies. Applies attack up, critical strength up, and NP damage up to all allies for 3 turns.

Lines - Room

Idle: “Master, are you doing anything right now? If you’re bored, I can show you the song I’m working on now. No? You’d rather go outside? Well, that’s alright, too. I’ll tag along.”

Master-Servant Relationship: “I’m used to working, living, and fighting alongside others, so this situation is fine for me. Honestly, it brings back pleasant memories.”

Opinion of Master: “I could write a thousand songs about your adventures. I really do consider it to be a privilege to fight at your side!”

Scheherazade: “I think she and I could have a lot in common. And so beautiful too… hey, don’t look at me like that. I’m happily married, you know!”

Author Servants: “There are a lot of very talented people here. I consider myself a formidable opponent, but I think I’ll work a little harder, regardless of that. [laugh]”

Saints: “It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I can’t really understand them. I have my reasons, but that may be the one story I’m not interested in telling.”

Irish Servants: “There are so many famous heroes here from ages past. Of course, I already know the tales by heart but I wonder if there would be any differences in the first-hand accounts…”

Diarmuid: “Diarmuid! It’s been too long since I’ve seen your face! Master, this is the only person in the world who is smarter than my father. He always used to beat us at chess, and that’s just the start of it. I’m sure you already know. What? Oh, don’t be modest! And here – look! I brought you some letters from your relatives. They say you hardly ever visit anymore and – hey, where are you going?!”

Fionn: “Ahh… It’s good to see him in his prime like this. He seems to be very at ease here. Seeing that he’s able to smile and relax like this… honestly, he looks just as Mother always described him. Ah, wait a moment. Please don’t ever tell him I said that.”

Lines – Battle

DECK: QQ/AA/B

Start 1: “Just because I am an artist doesn’t mean that I can’t do battle when I need to.”

Start 2: “That look on your face… I have to wonder if you’re not taking me seriously. Well, it can’t be helped. Best of luck to you!”

Skill 1: “This is the blessing I was given.”

Skill 2: “Hmm… still a bit out of tune.”

Skill 3: “With the strength of my own limbs.”

Skill 4: “With actions that will match my speech.”

Attack: [IDK SOME NOISE]

Extra Attack 1: “With purity in our hearts!”

Extra Attack 2: “You won’t underestimate me a second time!”

Noble Phantasm Activation: “If the time has come to defend humanity – then I will serve with all the power I have.”

Noble Phantasm 1: “For the things we have forgotten, and for all that we have to gain – there is something that I, too, must protect. I swear that I shall defeat all evil in the world. With the purity of our hearts – Dord Fianna!”

Noble Phantasm 2: “This is a story of those who stood should to shoulder to defend humanity's destiny, from all that would covet and destroy it. No matter when, or where, we will always rise to meet this challenge. This is our sacred duty – Dord Fianna."

Noble Phantasm 3: “This hunting horn is not for making music – if you’re skittish, you might want to cover your ears. Listen – to our sacred battle cry!”

Injured 1: “Rude!”

Injured 2: “At least make sure to avoid my face!”

Incapacitated 1: “It seems that… once again… I can’t stay beside you until the end… I’m… sorry…”

Incapacitated 2: “It’s always like this, huh… Strange… this time, it doesn’t hurt…”

Victory 1: “I told you from the start. Before I am an artist, I am also a knight!”

Victory 2: “You know, I think I could make a song about this victory. Someone give me a tune! Hey… wait a minute… why are you all walking away?”

Bond 1: “You know, Master, I spent a long time out of human society. So, I need you to tell me to my face if I ever say something strange. Seriously. I’m not joking. I really don’t know what people talk about these days. I’m counting on your guidance.”

Profile 1: Oisin, the son of the legendary hero Fionn MacCumhail. Because his father had already eaten the Fish of All Knowledge, he was gifted from birth with wisdom and a quick wit. His name literally means "little deer" or "fawn."

Bond 2: “What was it like, growing up with such a famous father? Well, that’s a difficult question. Father has always been good to me. I’ve always felt that the Fianna were my family. Even the most loving and tight knit families sometimes fight… and even so… hm. I wonder… …Um, sorry. [slightly nervous laugh] What was I saying again?”

Profile 2: The story of Oisin's birth is a tragedy. His mother, Sadhbh, was Fionn's second wife. Though they were madly in love, his mother had another suitor, who was a cruel and wicked mage. One day, when Fionn was out hunting, the mage lured the pregnant Sadhbh out of their home by impersonating her husband, and transformed her into a deer before loosing her in the forest.

When Fionn returned to their home and found it empty, he immediately marshaled his knights and began to search for them, leaving no stone under-turned.

Eventually, the toddler Oisin was recovered - but his mother was never seen again.

Bond 3: “Yes, yes. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. Every man says that about his wife, but in my case, it’s actually true! She’s a wonderful, wonderful woman, and her family always treated me so kindly. I simply lost track of time, that’s all. Yes, I always meant to go back and visit, but the opportunity always… Eh? I trailed off again? I’m not sure why I keep getting lost in thought. Anyway, let’s talk about something else.”

Profile 3: Fionn was never the same after Sadhbh's disappearance. Plunged into a deep mourning, it was said that his entire personality shifted, until he was nearly a shadow of his former, magnanimous self. It was Oisin who volunteered to seek a new bride for his father, perhaps desperate to see his father smile again. It was these events that eventually lead to the Pursuit, another tale that is narrated in the Fenian Cycle.

Bond 4: “Was it hard? Yes, I suppose it was. All the places that I had loved, and all the people I had loved were gone. Even my own father. Even my first son. And then, I was even stupid enough to fall off my horse. Hah. Sorry, Master, I’ll go now. No, no. It’s alright. It’s just that I would never want you to see me like that. That’s all.”

Profile 4: Like the other Knights of Fianna, Oisin lived a long life full of adventures too numerous to recount in full. He married a fairy woman and went to live in Tir na Nog, the land of eternal youth. Eventually, he decided to return to the mortal world to visit his family. His wife gifted him a magical horse, and told him that he would not be able to dismount, or the blessings of eternal youth that he had been granted would disappear.

When Oisin emerged from the Land of Youth, he discovered that 300 years had passed, and the Fianna had all but completely disappeared.

Bond 5: “I will make sure that they remember you. I’ll fight beside you until the end – and then, I’ll make sure that the world remembers you. Really, it’s the least that I can do. But let’s not talk about depressing things. For some reason, I’ve been wanting to write a love song lately. What do you think? ‘Too early…’ It’s never too early for beautiful music! [laughing] Really, you ought to enjoy life a little more, Master.”

Profile 5: DORD FIANNA - The War Cry to Defend Humanity. A war cry to strike fear in the hearts of humanity's enemies, a power that can wake sleeping kings.

This Noble Phantasm would not normally belong to Oisin. It is said, in Ireland, that their great hero Fionn is not dead, but slumbers beneath a mountain, surrounded by his loyal knights, and that the one who blows upon his hunting horn will rise him from his sleep. When he rises, he will resume his duties, to protect humanity.

But the stories of the Fianna exist in the modern age because, after emerging from Tir na Nog, Oisin wrote them all down. Using his talents for word and song, he told the tales of valor and heroism and adventure, the stories of his friends and family to anyone who would listen. After an accident caused him to fall from the horse that should have carried him back to his beloved wife, Oisin lay dying, feeling each of those 300 years seep back into him, even as he desperately tried to finish the story he was telling.

So in this form, the Dord Fianna is not a war cry, but more like a song.

Bonus Profile, Post Interlude: In one version of the story of Oisin, he encounters a certain saint while traveling around Ireland. The saint listens to the knight's tales, but even so, because Oisin is still a pagan and an immortal himself, he and the saint don't get along very well and part on bad terms. Even though Oisin claims that it wasn't like that, and even so, he never holds grudges, he still can't help but make a face whenever the saint's name comes up in conversation.

#fate grand order #fgo #servant oc #fate servant #fgo oc #servant profile #lemme know what yall think about my Boy

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juhihuji · 3 years ago

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do u have any random facts or things about Depth of heaven and ur characters (sfw or nsfw 🤭) even if what you want never comes to light, I really enjoy reading the concepts and asks about ur OCs

Hehehe I haven't thought about the characters and their story in a long time, until recently...but I never put a huge amount of thought into them before either! I kinda just knew I...wished I could make something cool that had everything I wanted in that kind of game lmao. Even if it doesn't happen, I felt like I wanted there to be twists and secrets...if it never happens then nobody but me will ever know about them, huh! But, if it does happen then I'll spoil stuff for later! What to do...ah I'll share about it! But I'm giving it a spoiler warning for something that doesn't exist anyway lmao Also I'm not a writer or a scientist this is all wacky world rules ok xd also there might be inconsistencies idk I never wrote anything down I'll tell u their heights! June: 5'4 Puzzle: 6'3 Koa: 5'6 Adam: 6'1 Keizo: 6'7 Lloyd: 5'11 Static: 6' Cyril: 5'9 Holly: 5'7

In high school June and Puzzle were da weeaboos who listened to vocaloid on their phones at lunch. Puzzle wore cat ears, big headphones, and tutus to school. I think....I decided that because of her old bad design lmao. I thought I had a drawing of her in cat ears but I can't find it 😔 June prolly just wore hoodies and graphic t-shirts. They were each others prom dates! June wore a tux! Okay spoilery stuff ahead!

I have a general idea what I want the story to be, but right now I just see it as disjointed scenes in my head. I posted some June and Puzzle wearing dresses where I wanted a scene to happen in a casino on the ship. Cruise ship casinos are kinda lame though lol, but it'll be as big and cool as I want >:•3 and it's an excuse to have everyone in cool formal wear cuz that's always fun! The cult leader calls for a big party on the ship and everyone has to attend! It's also where he culls the herd...because not everyone is worthy of going to heaven...apparently Koa likes playing video games! He's on the top of the leaderboard for one MMO, and during one event the top prize was blueprints for an in-game item: roller skates! It would make for cool merch to put on your wall or something. There was a rumor among the playerbase that the blueprints could make skates that function as they do in the game. Koa won the prints then used them to custom build his own skates (they look kinda generic now but I haven't put a lot of thought into their design lmao). The combination of materials used and construction give them a magical quality that allows him to skate faster than any human could! He's always pushing his limits, and sometimes it gets him in twubble xd Keizo has an issue with bad dreams...at night he replays all the times in his life where people were rude to him or each other, how he needs to keep peace between them, he just really hates assholes! He has nightmares about them treating him badly and there's nothing he can do, because at his height and with his strength he'd come off as the bad guy no matter what! They push and push 'til he's about to snap...then he wakes up! The rage super heats his blood and his skin glows red and steam pours out his ears! His hair is all wacky cuz it holds it's shape on the pillow from all the heat lmao June and the rest of them find out about it when they see steam coming out from under his door at night. Don't wake him up though! If he's still glowing hot he'll sleep walk while in a berserk state. First, it makes him really rude himself lmao. He'll say all the nasty things he won't when he's awake! Second, if he sees someone doin' shit he don't like, they're gettin' these 🤜🤛 In his happy ending you'd see him with his hair flat for the first time wouldn't that be nice :•3 Adam is always doing experiments on himself, kinda just for shits, kinda because he wants to discover something amazing....!.....?!?!??! When he was younger, his sister, who he loved v much, died. He wanted to become a doctor, not because he wanted to find a cure for the thing that killed his sister...because she died in an accident! He wanted to find a way to make people invincible! He's always injecting himself with stuff hoping it'll make him stronger. He likes Keizo as a friend, but to Adam Keizo is a perfect specimen of an indestructable human. Adam's been fascinated with him for a while, but Keizo also just makes for a good subject for testing against! Also, they met when Adam was studying abroad and Keizo came up on a motorbike and attacked the wheels on Adam's scooter. Cute! :•) Keizo used to be a bad boy :•( Other experiments Adam's done: Eyesight like a HAWK Cat ears but for real Jelly bones(?) Longer ween 😳 Lloyd is a stinky tech wiz who likes playing around with AI's and robotics! He has myassive myega brains and he monitors many of the functions of the ship by himself in his server room. When the captain is captured and thrown off the ship, Lloyd uses his know-how and special accesses to make sure the cult doesn't make a mess of everything. He knows about and can see everything that happens on the ship...for fun he likes video games toooo! And plays with Koa! He likes buildin' lil gadgets n tings for fun too! They can come in real handy! nsfw! Stuff past here!!!!!!!!! June, Koa, and Lloyd are all inexperienced!

As a lover, Keizo tries to be gentle...but once he gets into it he can be a bit rough! If you're into it, just enjoy! Or speak up and he'll slow down! Hmmm I was inspired by a scene from the film Crying Freeman (which I haven't actually watched 8•|) of some ppl doin' it in a closet(?)...it's all dark and cramped and humid and their skin is so shiny and glistening it's probably the thing that awoken me to drawing people super sweaty. I just can't help myself 😳 def wanna give Keizo a scene like that. This doodle was inspired by it actually lmao

Adam is patient and gentle! Lots of kisses and verbal reassurance and checking in w/ u. He's aware of his age and he doesn't wanna come off badly so he'll let you do all the pursuing. And June will pursue him hard if she has to! He's also gonna make you beg and ask, just so he's sure sure :•) He loves to sit her up on the examining table n do things wit his mouf n fingers 😳 I'd probably make it an option to call him daddy in certain scenarios...up to u if u choose it find out what happens for urself idk 😳😳😳 or don't

Koa likes to tease you, maybe bully you a lil, but when it comes to intimacy he's a wimp! I just like the idea of making the bully bend to your will, but he likes it. It just feels good to wipe that cocky smile off his face! Step on him! Make him whimper! I know June's a virg too, but Koa is just so easy to tease it makes it feel like second nature. BUT the more time they spend together, the more confident Koa becomes. So! Enjoy havin' him under your thumb while you can cuz it might not last forever! Lloyd tries to stay composed when June starts showing an interest. He's usually alone in his server room, but secretly appreciates her company when she comes by. At first he'll act like he's too busy. He's not used to being around women! As his interest in June grows it becomes harder to hide his feelings! So June notices...and teases him! Cuz it's just so easyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYY 😩 Seeing his serious expression crack when you put ur hands in his pants is lots of fun :•3 And he shows you a voice he's never shown anyone else before 🤤 He does his research and with your help he'll learn exactly how to worship u 😌 IF it ever happens there has to b a new game plus where u unlock threesome scenes with Koa/Lloyd and Adam/Keizo :•x That's all 4 now! Sorry I'm fuckin' gross and don't know how to type :•|

#the depth of heaven #koa #keizo #adam #lloyd #june #ocs #puzzle #text post

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my-proof-is-you · 4 years ago

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Secretly Broken - Pt. 4 (Final)

Jared x Reader

Summary: When your best friend asked you to be a nanny for his kids, you jumped at the opportunity. You didn’t have much going on in your career, so it seemed like the perfect way to keep making money while you looked for your next job. Things take a turn, though, when you realize that keeping your feelings for Jared at bay isn’t as easy as you thought. Not only that, you would never want to come between him and his wife. While you are doing your best to keep your feelings secret, Jared has a secret of his own.

Warnings: fluff, angst

A/N: So because I think Gen is awesome, for the sake of what is happening in this fic, Jared married someone else. Kids names are the same, though :)

Honestly, this is based on a dream I had. So…idk. Apparently I love Jared.

Masterlist | Tag Yourself!

You

You taped the note to the Padalecki’s door, stepping back to make sure it stuck before you turned to leave.

Tears slipped down your cheeks as you hopped in the cab, directing the driver to the airport.

You thought over the words you’d written, sniffling to yourself as the car began to move.

Jare,

I can’t be your nanny anymore. I love the kids—God I love them—but I can’t stay and mess up your life and your family any more.

You all mean the world to me. I’ve added the phone number to a trusted friend who can nanny for you until you find my replacement.

Y/N

Jared

Jared folded the piece of paper he was holding, letting out a sigh. He shoved it in his pocket, pushing down his disappointment as Tom came into the room.

“Daddy, when will Y/N be here?” he asked.

“I’m not sure, bud,” he responded, ruffling his son’s hair. It was unusual for you to be late, and Jensen was coming over soon to go out with him.

“Hey, Paddles,” Jensen called as he let himself in.

“Hey, man,” he replied as he saw the man coming into the living room.

“Someone left a note on your door,” he said, holding out an envelope. Jared took it, tearing it open with a curious look. Jensen continued into the house, sitting down on the couch while Jared began to read.

He felt his heart drop into his stomach.

“No…” he said quietly.

“What?” Jensen asked with concern.

“Boys, go get ready for bed,” he said, thankful that Odette was already down for the night. “I’ll be up to tuck you in soon.”

His sons listened, telling their uncle Jensen goodnight before racing up the stairs.

“Jare, what is it? You’re scaring me,” Jensen said, pulling Jared to sit next to him on the couch. Jared let him, plopping down on the couch since his legs didn’t seem to want to hold him up anyway.

“S-She’s gone,” he said finally, his eyes scanning the note over and over.

“Who? Natalie?” Jensen asked, taking the letter from him.

“No...well, yes, but no…” Jared trailed off, letting Jensen read the note for himself.

“Y/N? But why?” he asked as he finished reading.

“I really don’t know,” Jared replied, running his hands through his hair.

“Well did you guys have a fight? Is something going on with the kids?” Jensen prodded.

“I don’t think so, man. I mean, Natalie came home the other night, and I was trying to comfort Y/N. She seemed like she was having a bad day. I was hugging her, and after I went to talk to Natalie I came downstairs and Y/N was gone.”

“Oh,” Jensen replied as if he understood now why you left.

“What?” Jared asked, still confused.

“Well based one what she wrote, she didn’t want to get in the way of your marriage.”

“What? How?” Jared asked, shocked.

“Dude, c’mon,” Jensen replied.

“What?”

“The chemistry between you and Y/N is obvious. And with what you told me...hugging her? The way you always flirt? I’m guessing it was hard for her not to read into it.”

“Fuck,” Jared said, realization hitting him like a freight train.

“Yeah. You screwed up,” Jensen said. “And Y/N is kinda right, man. You really shouldn’t have been like that with her. You’re married.”

“No, I’m not,” Jared said, standing up and pacing the room.

“What?” Jensen asked, confused.

“I’m not married. Natalie and I have been divorced for months,” he explained. Jensen stared at him with an open mouth. “Things have been bad between us for a long time. But she didn’t want any bad publicity for her movie.”

“That’s selfish,” Jensen remarked.

“No shit. I learned a lot about her after she got this role,” Jared said, shaking his head. “And to top it all off, just before you got here I was reading something I got in the mail,” he said, fishing the folded paper out of his pocket. He handed it to his best friend.

“She’s giving up custody?” Jensen said, looking up from the paper with wide eyes.

“Yeah. Not only was she a shitty wife, she also doesn’t seem to care about the kids.”

“Wow, Jare. Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” Jensen asked.

“I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want it to accidentally get out to the kids before I could properly tell them.” He chuckled dryly. “I have no idea how I’m going to tell them this now.”

Jensen sighed. “Okay, regardless of all this shit with Natalie...what about Y/N?”

Jared closed his eyes, sighing. “I can’t lose her, Jay. Not after everything.”

Jensen nodded solemnly. “Do you love her?”

“To be honest, I hadn’t let myself think about it,” he responded, sitting down on the couch again. He bit his lip, trying to hold back the tears he could feel stinging his eyes. “But if how I’m feeling now is any indication...yes. I love her.”

You

“Have you lost your fucking mind?!”

“Hi, Danneel,” you said into the phone as you pulled the speaker away from your ear.

“What the fuck, Y/N? You leave town without telling any of us, just a lame note stuck to Jared’s door?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to try to stop me.”

“Yeah, and I would’ve! You are being stupid!” she said, exasperated.

“Danneel, you know that I appreciate you being blunt with me usually, but this is not fun.”

“Why did you leave? Because of your crush?”

“Yes! He just...he’s affectionate. And for him, it just being friendly. For me, though, it means more. And Natalie fucking walked in while he was hugging me and I’m sure I’m just causing problems for their marriage. I am not going to do that.”

She sighed. “Natalie is never fucking there,” she said slowly. “You are. And by the way, he is heartbroken that you left.”

“H-He is?”

“You really need to talk to him, Y/N,” she said. You felt like there was something she wasn’t telling you.

“What’s going on, Danneel?” you asked.

“Just...talk to him. Please.”

Your finger hovered over the call button, Jared’s contact information shining from your phone.

You were terrified. You’d left like a coward, and you knew he was probably furious that you’d left him with just a note.

You sighed, leaning back into the couch at your parent’s house. You’d gone there after leaving Austin, needing to clear your head and get out of town for a while.

You finally tapped your phone, the line ringing as you held your breath.

“Y/N?” Jared answered, sounding almost breathless.

“Hi,” you said weakly.

“Hi,” he responded. He didn’t sound angry. He sounded sad.

“I’m sorry I left. I just...couldn’t be there anymore.” you said after a silence.

“You could’ve talked to me,” he responded.

“No, I couldn’t. It would have ruined everything.”

“Y/N, Natalie and I are divorced.”

Your eyes widened as you took in the information. “W-What?”

“It’s been a few months. We were keeping it a secret so the press didn’t find out,” he said, almost scoffing.

“B-But what about the kids?” you asked, immediately concerned for how they were taking it.

He chuckled a little bit, which confused you.

“They’re okay,” he said quietly. “I explained it the best I could, and they seemed to understand. They weren’t exactly close with her.”

“Jared, if I did anything to—“

“Stop. You didn’t do anything wrong. Natalie was what was wrong. We were wrong from the beginning. She...she gave up custody of the kids.”

You gasped. You couldn’t understand how anyone could do that. They were the three most perfect children you’d ever met.

“You see?” he said resolutely. “Your first thought was to worry about the kids. I can tell, even without seeing your face that you’re horrified that she gave them up.” He paused. “I should have told you a long time ago, Y/N.”

“I get it, Jare. You didn’t want it getting out.”

“No, Y/N. I should have told you a long time ago...I’m in love with you. I have been for years.”

Your mouth dropped open. “Y-You love me?”

“Yes. What I felt for Natalie always paled in comparison to what I feel for you. I love you.”

“I...I love you, too,” you said. “So, so much.”

“Good,” he replied. You could almost hear his smile. “Then come outside.”

You felt a smile spread across your face. You rushed to the front door, wrenching it open. You saw Jared standing at the end of the driveway, his car a few feet behind him.

“I guess Danneel told you where I was,” you said, still talking into the phone.

“I may have had to threaten her,” he said, a smirk on his face. You threw your phone on the grass in front of you, rushing down the sidewalk. You leapt as soon as you got to him, jumping into his arms and wrapping your legs around his waist. You hugged him as tight as you could, his hand cradling the back of your neck.

You pulled back, his lips crashing into yours. It was everything you’d been wanting for years. His lips melded perfectly to yours, your tongues dancing as you slowly slid down until you were standing in front of him.

When you pulled apart he reached a hand up, tucking your hair behind your ear.

“Will you come home to our family?” he asked.

You nodded, unable to stop your smile. “Do the boys hate me?” you asked, knowing you should never have left them.

“They could never hate you. They have been asking about you nonstop, though.” He cupped your cheek. “They haven’t asked about Natalie once. You know why?”

You shook your head.

“Because you have been more of a mother to them than she is even capable of.”

“I love them, Jare. All three of them. You are my family.”

“Let’s go home,” he said, smiling. You kissed him again, standing on your toes to reach his lips.

Later, as you walked in the door to his house, the boys ran to hug you.

“Y/N! You’re back! We missed you!” Tom yelled, practically jumping up and down.

“I missed you too, Tom,” you responded, your heart nearly breaking. Jensen had been watching the kids and gave you a big smile as he carried Odette in from the living room.

“Are you staying?” he asked.

You looked to Jared, who had taken Odette from Jensen.

“As long as you’ll have me,” you replied, your eyes never leaving Jared’s.

THE END

Forevers:

@malfoysqueen14 @divadinag @lynne1993 @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @onethirstyunicorn @sammykb1994 @lilulo-12 @mellorine-paprika @tranquility-or-chaos @collette04 @hoboal87 @chevyharvelle @miraclesoflove @defenderrosetyler @babypink224221 @calaofnoldor @beatifuldisaster018 @satans-0-spawn @coffeebooksandfandom @supernatural3002 @lainxcas @mylovelydame21 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @lovely-lynns-likes @ppeachygemss @screechingartisancashbailiff @metalfangirl @vicmc624 @polina-93 @hobby27 @sexyvixen7

Secretly Broken

@arctusluna

38 notes · View notes

bigskydreaming · 4 years ago

Note

A good description. For my part, I don't like talking about it because of my own experiences. I can, however, see Batman, a story where nearly every memorable villain and even the protagonist himself is a Svengali, could attract a disproportionate number of rape apologists, though fandom is full of them. (Oh, hey, that's the other thing with Jason. Talia.)

Ugh I’m so sorry to hear you can relate, and I totally understand not wanting to talk about it. I have no idea what your particular situation is, obviously, but I also want to reiterate since its been awhile since I’ve mentioned this part.....I don’t feel any like....basically, my choice to talk about this stuff is simply put, MY choice, made for my own reasons, that aren’t a reflection on any other survivor. There are a million and one reasons NOT to come forward, or to struggle with it or not to be open about what happened to us, and none of them are a reflection on any of us, but rather the position it puts us in.

Again, I don’t know your situation or what gender you might be or anything else, and this isn’t at all because your ask made me feel defensive or anything like that. This is just something I’ve wanted to put into words for awhile now seems relevant today, and here’s as good a place as any to put it down:

For myself, being a male survivor....like, there’s never really been any getting around the existence of that kinda, idk, caveat that not many male survivors come forward. Sure, we all see the posts and tweets reminding “remember, men can be raped too!” But that’s not the same thing as men sharing their stories and experiences the way far more women have come forward. And that’s why I ultimately began talking about my own experiences in order to express how I felt about my own positioning in society and how as a survivor I interact and am interacted with by others. Because frankly, there wasn’t anywhere else I could really look to in order to see others talking or sharing about similar things and see myself reflected in what they were saying or the experiences they were describing. So, if I couldn’t find what I felt I needed or could have benefited from, I figured at least I could put it out there in case anyone else who could relate could benefit from mine.

Except, ultimately I’ve come to feel that I honestly don’t believe its that men just flat out don’t come forward with their stories or experiences, its that even when we do, we’re rarely signal boosted - as you can kinda see from the fact that I can post the most inane shit and get it to a thousand notes, but in the five plus years I’ve been making posts about this subject, I’m lucky if I can get a single post on the topic to double digits as far as notes go.

People just flat out are a combination of uncomfortable with the novelty of actual discussions about and around male survivors as well as being not really sure how to talk about it because we’ve never really developed the tools for it.

And to be 100% clear, this has NOTHING to do with female survivors, as a point of comparison or ANYTHING else. It drives me up a fucking WALL when people try and compare and contrast even just how much men being raped is talked about vs women being raped, no matter WHAT their reasons are, because I promise people, I PROMISE - NO survivor, of any gender, has EVER benefitted from being pitted against other survivors to ANY degree. Its not a zero sum game and it doesn’t help male survivors to pull shit like “well at least female survivors are acknowledged” because a) eww, and b) nobody asked anyone to say that on our behalf, and c) hyper-visibility isn’t a privilege (or whatever the best parallel to that might be, I’m not trying to appropriate an anti-blackness specific term so much as its the closest comparison I have at the moment for something that isn’t even a matter of marginalized identities but rather marginalized experiences) and d) its COMPLETELY beside the point and actually misses the point by a WIDE margin.

Because what I’ve come to realize over the years, from my own experiences and talking and sharing with survivors of all genders and demographics and walks of life, is that first off....nobody really needs the reminder that hey, men can be raped too. We see it happen all throughout entertainment and other aspects of society, its not an experience that’s hidden away from the light, its just not ever really CALLED what it is, or followed up on, and talked about.

Like Dick Grayson isn’t a statistical outlier in media. Take Horrible Bosses, a summer blockbuster comedy a few years back with a cast of fairly big name comedians, and whose running B plot throughout the whole movie was Jennifer Aniston’s character wanting to rape her employee, Charlie Day’s character. Not only was this not objectionable to audiences in any sizable way, not only did this never really get called out as wtf by critics and reviews, the movie was successful enough to warrant a sequel with even BIGGER names in its cast, like Christopher Pine, and the continuation of the Aniston’s character trying to rape Charlie Day’s subplot. With zero awareness. And its not like that’s the only movie. There’s plenty more I could name.

Or then you’ve got television, where like, take Riverdale, a well-promoted, well known CW show....whose first few episodes featured the lead character Archie in a sexual relationship with his much older female teacher. Except not really a relationship, because that’s textbook, no debate, literal statutory rape.....that ended with Archie’s character being condemned for it as though he were on equal footing with the teacher, who ultimately left town, and it never really acknowledged that he was literally a victim of statutory rape, that any teacher who does that is not an equal partner but a predator. I stopped watching the show for a lot of reasons by like the fourth episode, but I see enough gifs on tumblr to know that several seasons later, this left little enough impact that some kind of Archie-goes-to-jail plotline has resulted in more memes and jokes about prison rape than I can count, and zero awareness that people are compounding jokes about a character who is literally already an unacknowledged survivor.

That’s one. Or you can take Once Upon A Time, a popular ABC show of multiple seasons, and the running subplot where Robin Hood’s character is raped by the Wicked Witch literally the same way Dick was by Mirage in the comics. She shapeshifts into Maid Marian, who ends up dead, and has ‘sex’ with Robin Hood (no, she rapes him) and ends up pregnant. Not only is this never really called what it is, later on, other characters LITERALLY CHEW HIM OUT for objecting to this baby being left in the care of her mother, aka his rapist, and for ‘not being willing to give her the benefit of the doubt/let her change’ as though him not wanting to co-parent with his rapist is no different from any of the show’s other dubious redemption storylines....except for the fact that this particular part of her redemption arc isn’t ever really one she actually needs redeeming for, because nobody ever fucking points out that she literally raped him and he was her victim. Fast forward to the end of the series, Robin Hood’s been dead for seasons, the Wicked Witch is happily redeemed and has a loving wholesome relationship with her daughter, named after Robin Hood like they were some kind of loving, happy family instead of a rapist, her victim, and the child that was born of it.

Or you can take Grimm, a fairly successful NBC show of multiple seasons WHICH LITERALLY DID THE EXACT SAME THING. The main character Nick was raped in season two by the antagonist of the time, who shape shifted into his wife and had ‘sex’ with him, with him not realizing the truth until later on, by which point she’s pregnant with his child. Fast forward to the end of the show, not only was this never really called what it was, his wife’s character was killed off seasons earlier and he is now, get this, ‘happily’ in a romantic and sexual longterm relationship with his rapist (who he by now knows exactly what she did do and what happened between them and just.....got over it without ever actually like, reacting to it)....and oh yeah, not only are they raising the child born of it together, they’ve had a second child since then.

Anyone ever hear much outcry about the male rapes in these shows? And again, like Horrible Bosses, tip of the iceberg. There’s a LOT more shows I could name, just like there are movies.

Or take comics. Its not even just Dick Grayson that’s a survivor. Or Bruce. Or Jason as you pointed out, which......I know a lot of people ignore both Morrison AND Winick’s take on Talia in order to not write her as the rapist she is in their stories, which I can totally understand as she was a well-established character of color for long before either of them got their hands on her and its perfectly valid for people not to want to have to write her as being tarnished as a rapist because two different writers wrote her that way....without.....either of them ever really acknowledging that was literally how they were writing her. I myself write her as a character of complicated and often dubious morality, but never a rapist, for that reason and many others, but its definitely there. And even in a fandom that has never lacked for acknowledgment of Dick being a survivor whose rapists were women.....a LOT of people still romanticize Jason’s ‘relationship’ with Talia as being something other than a grown woman taking advantage of a minor in an extremely vulnerable and compromised state.....with a TON of other takes out there about the two of them, in posts and fics alike, where its somehow danced around or outright called something other than “that time Talia raped Jason in the comics.”

But its not just the Batbooks. Its like how I’ve mentioned in the past, Garth Ennis wrote into one of his storylines that Kyle Rayner was raped when he went to Gotham one time.....not to make it a plot point, but to use it as a JOKE. Or take Marvel comics, Bobby Drake, one of my other all-time favorite characters....who is also a rape survivor of multiple occasions, without it ever acknowledged as such. Like, he was briefly in a relationship with Mystique, who turned out to have entered the relationship under false pretenses, shocking, and who used having sex with him to depower him and take him out of the upcoming fight between the X-Men and the Marauders, which...we don’t have time to unpack all that right now. But fast forward about a year later, and Bobby has since gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend Opal Tanaka.....who, it turns out, is actually just Mystique in disguise, having sex with him again without it ever being called rape since he was consenting to sex with Opal, not the woman who slept with him that one time just to make sure he was helpless to stop a whole lot of people from getting killed. But hey, forget about Mystique! How about that time Chuck Austen wrote him ‘having sex’ with an empath who was EXPLICITLY noted in the narrative as using her powers to manipulate his emotions to even WANT to have sex with her in the first place, and when an issue later it comes out she’s married and her husband starts beating up Bobby for ‘sleeping with his wife’ all the other characters present, all of them friends and teammates of his, condemn Bobby for this without it ever being acknowledged that he was literally manipulated into it by a superpower and he was the victim.

Again. Tip. Of. The. Iceberg.

But you see what I mean? Male rape isn’t an outlier and it isn’t an unknown....its everywhere! Its just.....never called that, really, and never really talked about, even by people who normally would, except for the fact that I don’t think we as a society have ever really forced ourselves to FIND a way to talk about it, because of the fact that like.....the very notion of it threatens and undermines the essence of the patriarchal beliefs that are hammered into us all from day one. Even when we know the patriarchy is crap, we still have so much ingrained in us from early childhood that stuff like this, which is a blatant symptom of it even if not one aimed primarily at disadvantaging women.....like, it slips under the radar because its never fully called out or spotlighted in loud enough or widely enough ways to keep us from overlooking how much its impacted our POVs.

Blatantly put, the patriarchy and sexism RELIES on the idea that men are somehow more powerful/stronger/whatthefuckever than women. And male victims - of abuse as well as rape, though definitely rape.....like, even just a widespread awareness of our existence is enough to kinda destabilize that belief that is so foundational to the patriarchy its DEPENDENT on it being upheld as unassailable truth.

Because if forced to acknowledge that men are just as vulnerable to even something like rape as anyone else in the ‘right’ situations or dynamics, it forces confrontation with the reality that no matter what the patriarchy has claimed for as long as its existed.....men aren’t inherently any more powerful, or stronger, or resistant to harm/humiliation/VICTIMIZATION as anyone else.

And the patriarchy flat out can’t afford that confrontation, so it can’t afford to acknowledge male survivors.

Again, just want to be beyond clear - nowhere here am I okay with making this about a compare and contrast between the experiences and interactions society has with male survivors and around male rape, and the same with female survivors and rape. Because I mean, we all should be more than aware that society as a whole sucks at the acknowledgment, addressing and handling of rape in any context, in any of the ways it comes up as a topic, in terms of any survivor who comes forward no matter who or when or how.....like. We suck at this topic, and at any and all discussions about this topic. Period. Flat out. So when I say the patriarchy can’t afford to acknowledge male survivors, I am in no way aiming to diminish the reality that it does just as fucking an abyssmal job at acknowledging and responding to female survivors....the point here is not the poor reception any and all survivors receive to disclosing their experiences in our society, but rather the specific why of this when it comes to male survivors just as the particular subject of focus here.

And again, like, my only credentials here are just like. My life experiences, lol. I’m not trying to claim anything more or other than that, make no mistake. I’m a literal college drop out, this is not the result of comprehensive studies or vetted by the scientific method. This is literally just “like, my opinion, man” and makes no pretenses at being other than that. Its just the conclusions I’ve formed over the years and why, completely anecdotal and not aiming to be any kind of authoritative or expert viewpoint with my personal take here. Largely because I haven’t really found anywhere that I feel the conversation has proceeded enough in earnest that its even at a point that would ALLOW for that yet. So this is all more just.....my feel of things, and why, as just kinda idk, hopefully a starting point for further ACTUAL exploration of all this. My attempts at starting the kind of conversation I feel we need to be having in order to be at all productive instead of just constantly spinning around in circles, which is what it so often feels like.

So when I say I think the patriarchy can’t honestly AFFORD to acknowledge male survivors specifically, I’m not positing some grand conspiracy or active cover-up.

Because nothing like that is even necessary.

Its built into the framework of the system itself. Its not that I believe anyone goes out of their way to “hide” male survivors from anyone, I’m saying there’s no need. Because its been so ingrained into us from such a young age and in so many ways, most of us never even think to question whether anything is even being hidden, or if its just as simple as, well men don’t really come forward, because their pride and self-esteem is so impacted by what happened to them, due to the expectations heaped on men by the patriarchy.

Its kinda stunning, actually. Even while ACKNOWLEDGING that the patriarchy does impact male survivors in ways as well, we’re kinda....led away from the ACTUAL ways and ACTUAL reasons why....because despite literally calling the patriarchy out as the bad guy in this way, it still manages to weasel itself out of this confrontation by virtue of the fact that you can’t ever really effectively address a problem when you’re being misdirected to a tangent that’s not really the REAL problem that needs addressing.

So personally, I’m of the belief that its not that men just don’t ever really come forward. Its that even when some do, like myself, we can scream our heads off for years and it just echoes into the void, because its not being heard in the ways we need to be heard in order to effectively....signalboost our stories and experiences and needs. Much like I just mentioned above, its misdirection......everybody’s too focused on addressing an issue that doesn’t actually NEED solving (ie, reminding everyone/promoting awareness that men too, CAN be raped), and thus at least feeling productive, feeling like they’re contributing to tackling the problem.....that meanwhile, the ACTUAL problem (men CAN be raped too, and are, and here are men talking about it only for the signal to get lost and fizzle out rather than get boosted)....it flies right under the radar.

Because in line with what I said earlier about how it does no good to compare our experiences, both in terms of assault and our lives in the aftermath, with women survivors - its because its apples and oranges.

Rape isn’t a gendered issue, because it can happen to anyone of any gender, at any time....its situational. Dependent on context. Rape culture, however, IS a gendered issue.

Because rape culture, how our society INTERACTS with the very idea of abuse and rape and its victims and perpetrators....spills out entirely from that core foundation of the patriarchy and sexism, and thus much like those things themselves, how it affects women survivors is always going to be totally different from how it affects men who are survivors. Our experiences are not interchangeable - that has nothing to do with being better or worse, more publicized or less, etc, etc. They just....manifest different ways. The cause of our trauma-related problems might be the same thing, but the problems it creates for us are not, and none of us can ever really benefit from it being treated as a one size fits all kinda deal, nor is it to our benefit to treat it like there’s only so much conversation about the topic available to go around.

What I mean here is, like I said, the patriarchy at the foundation of our society can’t afford for it to be widely acknowledged that men can be victimized too.

But it can’t actually stop this from happening, given that its basis for saying it never happens is an inherent uneven-ness that only exists because it made it exist, not because like....we’re innately born uneven.

So....it had to come up with a narrative, a response, for when men DID step forward and say hey, I too was abused. I was raped. Etc.

And it did.

As a result, a lot of women don’t come forward because they fear not being believed, with reason. And this is true for a lot of men as well, just as the following is true for a lot of women too....

Which is that IMO the bigger reason/more immediate reason a lot of men don’t come forward, is that our concern isn’t so much that we won’t be believed....

Its that we will be believed, but rather than this getting us the help we need or the justice we ask for, it only ever really creates more problems for us, due to the patriarchy’s go-to fix-it job for this situation:

Paint the male victim as being not so much a victim as a victimizer-in-training.

See, the lie that men are innately more powerful, stronger, more ‘deserving’ of being in charge can’t afford the admittance than men are also vulnerable, can be victimized, taken advantage of.....

But it CAN afford the idea that men can be abused/raped/etc with this going on to eventually result in us becoming abusers/rapists/victimizers ourselves in the future, as long as THIS is kept the clear focus and emphasis of the narrative.

Because after all, there’s nothing in the idea that we all inevitably take out our pain (whatever it may come from) on others that contradicts the idea that we’re stronger, more powerful, etc.

And its not like the patriarchy and its supporters give a shit if this throws even other men under the bus, because the only thing institutions and systems of power actually care about is POWER.

They’re not our friend, even if in a different life, we could have ended up wielding more of that power than we do in this one. Even if we do in other aspects of our lives gain social and other forms of power more easily/with less obstacles than other people.

They only care what we can do for them, to spread that power, perpetuate it, preserve it....so just like white supremacy will happily screw over poor white people and America doesn’t give a shit about its prison population and the LGBTQ+ community so often ignores the issues of its members of color and so on.....the patriarchy is more than willing to make male survivors from any and all groups and communities take the hit it has no intention of taking by letting it be confirmed its built on sand and bullshit.

So just as much as we’re ingrained from early childhood with the idea that men can’t be victimized the way others can, the linked lesson we’re taught is that men who have been hurt badly or in certain ways will almost certainly end up hurting others.....

With the implicit acknowledgment that there was just an admittance that we can be hurt badly/in certain ways ending up just swiftly glossed over. As the focus is instead kept on the harm done to our hypothetical future victims.

Because the easiest way to keep someone from being sympathetic, is to give people someone else to sympathize with MORE. To give people reason to feel a person doesn’t even deserve your sympathy in the first place.

And so now think about not how often we see men victimized by abuse and rape in media, or how often we see men portrayed as survivors and yes, victims of these things.....

Think instead of how often in media we see men who victimize others, who are the antagonists, the villains, the serial killer/rapist/abuser of the week.......and with it offhandedly being dropped into a scene and then never really focused on again, that these men were almost always said to have been abused or raped or victimized in the past....and this is the REASON for why they all ended up doing what they did.

Suddenly, the numbers go up, don’t they? The second you think about it from THAT angle?

Its just....the reason that angle literally exists to the extent it does in society and the messages we’re fed, the entertainment we’re given.....is because that’s the POINT.

Because its natural for us not to think of any of those men as victims when by the time we find that part out, we’ve already internalized our view of them as victimizers, and solidly put our sympathies with their victims in the present. Because what was done to them in the past doesn’t excuse what they do to others in the present. Being hurt doesn’t give you carte blanche to hurt others. We all know this. Hence....WHY IT WORKS.

Except, this isn’t actually a reflection of reality. The myth of the perpetual cycle of abuse is just that, a myth. Oh, it happens, certainly. With men, with women, quite probably more often with men than women, not much doubt about that....

But its not that it happens, we’re told. That’s not the issue here.

Its that we’re pretty much told it ALWAYS happens. Its always GOING to happen. That there’s no real point in sympathizing with a male victim who is most likely going to end up victimizing someone else in the future and thus he’s not really gonna deserve your sympathy at that point, will he? Which makes him not really worth wasting it on him in the first place. Makes it easy to come up with something to focus on more instead of his story or experiences, something just as deserving of your focus or sympathy, but that you’re less likely to end up regretting in the future like you would if a male survivor you sympathized with now ends up in the news five years down the line for having hurt someone else.

Because over centuries and generations the idea of male survivors at all has been cultivated into having this almost mythic quality, there’s just enough subtle feeling of wrongness around the very idea of it, like, that it just doesn’t quite make sense...that it ends up being almost a relief to give our minds a reason, an explanation for why they don’t have to come up with a way to adjust the paradigm there, to make room for that idea, realign a worldview into one where there’s a specific spot for male survivors much like any other subject that needs focusing on or evaluating for whatever reason.

And this point, this conclusion that no matter how tragic what happened to make a male survivor was, it will only ever ultimately end up in the same spot, with him later on passing along the harm, a warped kind of paying it forward....this is hammered home over and over. We see it everywhere, without even often realizing what it is we’re seeing and internalizing, like with the examples I cited of all the times men are raped in entertainment without it being called that. Its the flip side of that....the times that men are raped in entertainment with it being called that, but swiftly moved past that to introduce the reason not to care that that’s what it was we just saw.

And thus throughout several seasons of Law & Order: SVU we’ve had male survivors, usually teens, who at first seemed eminently sympathetic for what had been done to them.....but who by the end of the episodes, ended up becoming school shooters exacting revenge on their bullies. Or ended up killing the coach who raped them in high school and then went on to rape a dozen others. Or in the last scene of the episode is found kneeling over their abusive father’s corpse with blood on their hands and the detectives standing over them in sadness that now they had to take the boy they thought was the victim away to jail as the victimizer he didn’t have to end up becoming.

Except.....he only becomes that because they make the choice to write him becoming it! Every single time!

Like in 13 Reasons Why, where another male survivor ends up....another school shooter. Or in Criminal Minds, where pretty much every single killer throughout the series ended up with a backstory of abuse and rape and victimization as a child, making it ‘all the more tragic’ and with the protagonists often literally using the phrase “almost like the guy never had a chance.”

Well no, they didn’t. Not when it was written to BE that way.

And then we see the idea root and take hold in audiences. And spread and perpetuated. Validated.

Its why I hate the woobification thing in fandoms, where fans of (white) villain characters fill in their backstory for themselves with all the REASONS they are the way they are, and with the reasons never being that they’re just a sadistic entitled asshole, but because they were hurt. They were abused as a child, they were raped offscreen, the heroes said mean things about them in the burn book once and that’s why they just had to kill the hero’s whole family, see.

And everything comes full circle.....not only is it that all male victims are destined to end up victimizers....its equally true that all male victimizers must have once been male victims. Even if we didn’t see it onscreen or on the page.

Except, and why I loathe that fandom tendency.....

THAT NARRATIVE IS NOT AN INEVITABILITY AND NEVER WAS! The end point and point of origin presented there are NOT innately set in stone!

And all that does is just validate and accept as truth the LIE that patriarchal society puts forth in order to play smoke and mirrors with this one specific facet of human experiences that innately possesses the potential to destabilize the lie at the very rock bottom foundation of everything the patriarchy’s ever built at everyone else’s expense. The reason it offers up for why its not only allowable, its for the best that we look elsewhere from any male victims that actually step forward and say hey, can you all listen to me for a second, I want to tell you what happened to me.

And the fun irony of THIS aspect of things is if you think this woobification fandom thing benefits male survivors as a whole in some way or another, like the tendency of fans to find even villainous victimizers sympathetic means that they can and do sympathize just as much with actual male victims.....I’m fairly certain it doesn’t.

See, because with villains in fandom......this retroactive sympathy for imagined past traumas happens to only the characters that fandom has already decided they liked DESPITE the awful things they’ve done. Its made up to be used as an excuse instead of an explanation....

And like we all know damn well, even if we don’t always admit it or like to acknowledge it....

Explanations are not actually excuses. The harm you do can not be wiped away by the harm done to you.

So, because that’s still inside of us, our awareness of that, even if its ignored on the surface while defending hot white villains or whatever.....it doesn’t actually give anyone reason to ignore the narrative our society constructs around actual male survivors who it encourages people to condemn or ignore on the basis of purely hypothetical FUTURE abuses or wrongdoings.

And after all, you can’t actually decide you can look past the harms a person enacts and still view them as sympathetic if....you don’t actually know yet what those harms are going to end up being and thus whether you can make your peace with them, can you?

You just know that harms WILL be done, so....might as well err on the side of caution and assume they won’t be forgivable when deciding here and now to be thrifty with sympathies and spread any actionable effort taken on behalf of survivors in areas where those sympathies are more likely to be put to better use.

And yeah, all of this plays into why I focus so much on certain aspects of Dick’s narratives, and they usually AREN’T the rapes themselves.

Because for me, for many other male survivors I know......

Acknowledging those happened, examining how he felt when those happened....its not the biggest issue. Just like in our own lives, having it acknowledged or known what was done to us, having to face how it made us feel....that’s not really our primary concern.

Its what happens AFTER that.

How people view us and treat us AFTER their initial sympathies, whatever they are, dry up - which, we’re given reason to believe, they always inevitably will.

Because it isn’t all that different from what I frequently complain of happening with Dick in fandom, and hell, its WHY it bothers me so much, because its literally been a recurrent theme throughout my life:

The most widely acknowledged male survivor in comics, just also happens to coincidentally be....

The character most often spun as having a wicked temper, being almost irrationally angry at times, with his temper being likened to things like an eruption, an earthquake, a NATURAL DISASTER....something to be avoided at all costs, something the other characters fear, with good reason, but also impossible to avoid, because its too intrinsic to his nature. Its an inevitability. Dick Grayson WILL erupt or explode again at some point, and its going to be ugly. Like he’s a time bomb.

Even though....as I frequently go in depth on.....Dick’s never actually been shown as having particularly poor self-control either on just its own merits or specifically in comparison to others. He doesn’t really actually HAVE a track record of taking out his own hurts on others. On giving people REASON to be afraid of his temper even while they continue to take no responsibility for giving him reasons to be angry at all.

Its why I so often emphasize the discrepancy between the fact that whatever someone’s own personal character preferences, the FACT remains that Dick Grayson is the character in this family that most often bears the BRUNT of everyone ELSE’S anger.......just as the fact equally remains that Dick Grayson is still ultimately the character most often singled out in posts and headcanons and fanfics as unleashing his temper on others in unjustifable ways and usually without actual provocation.

None of this is a coincidence to me.

Its how we see over and over again that its okay for Dick Grayson to be angry FOR others, ON others’ behalf....its just when he’s angry FOR HIMSELF, for being taken advantage of, ignored, walked all over or mistreated....that’s when his anger is unjustified. Irrational.

Dangerous.

Or you guys know that one fanon about how Dick forces his hugs on his siblings, and his displays of physical affection are often unwanted, and thus violations?

Yeah, that one hits me right in the Issues too, because again, that’s not remotely supported by anything in canon....there has NEVER been an instance of Dick’s family asking him to cut it our or feeling like......IMPOSED upon because he likes to hug his family.

Its not to say people can’t feel that way about even well-meaning displays of physical affection that aren’t cleared with them first....

Its that this is something that people had to DECIDE to make a thing with Dick and his family. To actually craft the narrative that the many-times victim of unwanted touching was effectively violating his family’s wishes and boundaries every time he hugs them without being asked or invited to.

With that number being however many times a writer wants to write him doing when highlighting it as a violation.

And is this a thing we really see with any other character? Is my question there. How often do you see literally any other character being chewed out or resented for....hugging?

Just the one character most known for giving physical affection freely with his FAMILY and close friends.....

Who just so happens to also be the one character most often the guy who has his bodily autonomy violated.

The canon rape survivor has literally had HUGS weaponzed against him.

With the end result being.....every time he does it, every time this pings on a reader’s radar as Bad and Unwelcome....the linked takeaway is its one more reason for that reader to then ask themselves....well if he doesn’t care whether other people want him touching them, why should I care when he doesn’t want people touching him either?

Which ultimately just winds up another form of: why should I feel bad if bad things happened to someone who isn’t really that great of a person?

See what I mean?

Its all connected. Its not me getting frustrated with a bunch of different random things, its all the same thing at the end of the day, all so often traceable back to the same places.

I couldn’t untangle myself from so much of this and how it impacts me and my view of things even if I wanted to, to such an extent that in the end, want really has very little to do with it.

(And uh, you think those bug the shit out of me, let me tell you about just the very SIGHT of all those fics where Dick the widely acknowledged, perhaps best known male rape victim in comics.....is a rapist himself. Because yeah....even if people like to keep their incest light and fluffy or sweet instead of predatory, to someone who is y’know, personally familiar with all of this, Dick and ANY of his younger brothers is never going to appear as anything BUT predatory. As yet one more time where the linear journey of a male survivor all the way to the final evolution into male predator is born out and treated as so matter-of-fact, so inevitable, it hardly warrants noting as anything especially obscene or gross to write about a character famous for his survivor status. And its not like Dick is actually the only character in the franchise I like, so its not like its any better when its Jason painted as the aggressor in a fic, for instance....and while I will always be hugely critical of how Bruce is written as abusive in canon, that’s a wildly different thing from sexually preying on his sons so again, seeing him as his own sons’ rapists is yet again more upsetting than most people would think without connecting Bruce’s own status as a canon rape survivor, whether we like that story or not.....and plugging it into again, this pre-programmed route traveling from survivor to predator, over and over again. Victim to victimizer. Like clockwork.)

Anyway, my point is not to harp on this but rather to just lay it out there in this way. And how it plays into so much of my own personal approach to dealing with all of this when it comes up.......because the simple fact is I have to, there is no opt-out lol, and it comes up a lot, in large part because its so easy t reframe as being something else that most people who don’t have direct experience being directly impacted by all of this in its various myriad expressions are understandably not going to see it pinging on their radar and getting logged into their awareness the way it always does in mine.

*Shrugs* It is what it is. Its there. Avoiding it has never done me any favors, so.......as I so often demonstrate in a variety of degrees of Hmm Probably Coulda Done That Better, lol, I try and deal with things head-on and adjust as needed.

Easier said than done, not always pulled off, never any guarantee that I’m going about things the right way, just that like.....

There’s problems that need addressing that stem from all of this, and I know where mine lie and put a lot, a LOT of effort into addressing them and keeping an eye on them and not letting them get the better of me.

But the flipside of paying that close attention and that much means I’m also keenly aware of when and where I couldn’t take responsibility even if I wanted to, because the responsibility literally just isn’t mine to take....because yeah, I live in a society but guess what, so does everyone else, and its the same damn society, so at the end of the day, no matter HOW well or not I go about handling the matter of my rapes and their overall impact and shaping of my life.....that’s just me handling the rape part of things.

The rape culture? And how THAT affects and informs every survivor’s life in whatever way it does going forward?

That’s kinda.....only ever going to be improved upon or not, on like....a cultural scale. That’s a society thing. Not a survivor thing.

Because we are all shaped by our cultures, every aspect of our cultures, and this one is unfortunately no different. But, its shaped by us too.

But to actually shape it INTO something, or more accurately, to shape it into LESS of what it is, blunt some of its edges, lessen some of its ability to do harm to survivors, to compound the harm already done.....

Something like THAT requires intent. Conscious effort.

And intent requires like....first being able to SEE what problems need addressing.

And that’s kiiiiinda the whole point of survivors coming forward when so rarely, so MINUTELY does it EVER result in actionable justice for that individual survivor.

And I don’t for a second believe a single one ever believes or assumes otherwise.

Cuz its super not fun. It never like......I don’t fucking know how it looks to other people, tbh, because I’ve literally been a survivor since before I even really knew that I was being abused or molested, that there was something I was surviving....but trust me, I’ve thought about it, I’ve wondered, and I don’t know if like, people think a survivor ‘telling their story’ is somehow an equivalent of like, getting a book deal or something, there’s the attention it brings after all, and isn’t there that saying that no publicity is bad publicity.....

LOL. Yeah. Umm. Just saying, if you don’t have personal experience as a survivor having come forward or shared openly about your experiences, let me refer you to another saying as counterpoint: Don’t believe everything you hear.

Cuz that’s definitely not one anyone else ever forgets when ‘listening’ to any of us.

Anyway, wrapping this up by bringing it back to like.....my extremely evident mood and irration of this past week.....this is ALL connected, this is ALL part and parcel of every single time this comes up as an issue for me and its never less of one at one time than it is at another, its never a little easier this time because this reason or that....its always the same damn frustration every single time. Stuff like this doesn’t get doled out in manageable portions, its all or nothing. Its either a problem right this current second or its not, and if its not, that’s only until the next time its a problem again, likely sooner rather than later.

And that’s the part that makes me talk about this as much as I do, and get as frustrated as I do when people just do not seem to get.....

I don’t have an off switch on this matter because there IS no off switch for me. The times I get frustrated and vent about this stuff are actually only at MOST a TENTH of how often it rears its head for me to deal with.....the times my reactions or responses boil over into public view, into something you guys see, or ‘have to deal with’ are literally just the times where there is no keeping a lid on it because the pot was already full to start with.

And so it really. Epically. Beyoooooond doesn’t help matters, when despite being the only male survivor I’m aware of being consistently vocal on the matter in the only fandom I know of where a prominant male character is almost universally acknowledged as a survivor....

I usually only ever hear the response:

“Mmmmmm, I’m not really sure what makes you think there’s a problem here and that it has anything to do with us, when see, I don’t agree, and I don’t really see why you think your opinion on the matter of how this particular character is written about and viewed and depicted interacting with others and how fandom interacts with him, is like.....of any kind of real relevance? This is just like....your opinion, man.”

Me: ........have I ever claimed for a second it wasn’t? Didn’t I use those exact words at least once in all of this already?

fahsklhfaklhflakfhalffha

Cuz for the record, ultimately, that’s what this all boils down to. I’ve wanted to post about this stuff for awhile now, but make no mistake:

It literally is all just my opinion? Formed of my own personal experiences and the conclusions I’ve taken away from them. Laid out as fully and extensively as I can manage, specifically SO people can take all of that into context when deciding for themselves how much weight or not to GIVE my opinion......

In which case, y’know, the experiences I have with this matter and how they correlate to these opinions, like, have contextual relevance and seem necessary to include.

Its NOT because I’m trying to use them to browbeat everyone into agreeing with me because I think I’m the only one whose opinion matters here, lol.

No. Just that like....it DOES matter? And its kinda exhausting when people act like all of this is arbitrary and abstract to me, that its some kind of superiority complex or me moralizing from a pulpit or some shit when I’m literally saying none of it is abstract or arbitrary to me, and the louder I say that, the more people THEN say “oh so basically your opinion is the only one that matters here unless we disclose the same kind of experiences or background huh?”

*headdesk*

I just.....it seems my stance is either born of self-righteousness and nothing personal whatsoever....unless I make enough of a fuss about how that’s NOT true, in which case my stance is that apparently I think I’m the only one who is allowed to have an opinion here because I’ve made such a point about it being personal.

But its definitely not that people are just determined to invalidate anything I have to say on this subject one way or another, right?

Anyway.

So all of that’s like...whatever that was. Make of it what you guys will, but I do hope that at least for some people whom it might be a new perspective or new information to, you’ll consider asking why is it that in a fandom that prominently features a canon male survivor whose survivorhood is so frequently denoted as a key and critical part of his character....someone like me, who is frequently cited as a resource on many, many other kinds of meta about Dick Grayson......seems to have more people interested in discouraging me from ever expounding on my own experiences in this matter and any correlations I see between those and Dick’s experiences and narratives, than there are people interested in like......utilizing me as the freaking resource on male survivor experiences and viewpoints that I’ve literally been out here offering to be from day one....specifically BECAUSE of how rarely men are viewed as coming forward and being open about our shit here.

*Shrugs*

Just food for thought.

#rape cw

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kuuderepunkin · 4 years ago

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Ily ok I'm gonna ask for a usual match up even though I'm a 🤡 and we all know who I STAN, also through submissions bc a girl can't keep it to 500 characters apparently, ok anyway im autistic so I'm pretty quiet and not too good with people, I get super anxious in busy situations and new people, but once I get to know you I'm quite full-on, I'm quite sarcastic and a bit witty? I think I'm pretty smart tbf, some things people have said they like about me is that I'm very cultured, I stand up for what I believe in, I'm loyal and extremely selfless, I'm super self conscious but I'm also the type that's not going to change for anyone? If that makes sense? Some things I enjoy are music, cooking, anime, writing, memes and walks 😊 ok basically how you wrote my for my birthday thing (which was amazing btw omg) is pretty much exactly how I am lol for some physical things, I'm 5'4, like boob-length brown wavy hair, I'm not thin but Idk if I'd call myself chubby realistically? (my friend said I'm curvy so let's go with that) and I have a very minimal style (that's in general too, I don't like owning too many things that I know I won't use)

Ok I hope this was alright! Thank you! Also take your time there's no rush 🥰🥰🥰🥰 you're an ANGEL

MMMM YES YES GOOD GOOD okay so I hope these are okay because you’re a sweetie and I feel like it’s hard for me to express just how much these boys may love you, since I’m kinda not well verse on romance. But you’re a cutie, and they LOVE the HECK out of you. No doubt, who wouldn’t, even as a friend.

Haikyuu matchup: Sugawara Koushi

Honestly it was so hard to not just give you one of your stans, because I’m hardcore for “anyone can be in love, because love knows no bounds!” And I can see you with Tsuki for some of your characteristics, but I already wrote some Tsukishima x you stuff (but I’ll include some more down below ;) ). So I tried to pair you with someone I think you’d be a good fit with, but also someone unique. So I was trying to think of someone who would really compliment your interests, and so I went for Sugawara! I may be imprinting because I love his character so much, like how he’s an angel but also play with the minds of the other volleyball teams. The way they’re intimidated by him is MWAH, he’s sly and cunning despite being a huge teddy bear. He’s one of my faves and I know he’d treat you well <3 <3 <3

· Suga is like the best friend you could ever ask for; he’s so sweet, caring, and attentive. Soft boy is always there being the mom friend.

· When you need help communicating he will do his best to make it an easy situation. If you need him he’ll just be your voice, but if you just need him to be around for comfort he’s happy to see you try and talk in a situation you may usually be too shy to do on your own.

· He is drawn to you because of your culture and smarts, since you don’t stand out in a crowd based on your description of a minimal style I assume he see’s your name somewhere on tested post scores or! OR Maybe you’re in the cultural club in college? Just a random thought I’m sorry.

· You don’t have to be good with people to get along with him, he’s easy going and can usually read a person and knows what you mean even if you say the wrong set of words.

· Always knows what to say when you get anxious, he knows if it’s okay to touch you or if that will make you panic more. If you’re upset and you’re not too panicked he will rub your back and talk to you, trying to help you ground yourself. Reminding you to try and recognize your surrounds as a tactic to pull you out of any anxiety attack.

· “Chloe, take a deep breath I’m right here. I won’t leave your side unless you need me to grab you something. Try listing 5 things around you that you can see.” I sometimes use this tactic when I’m having a panic attack, but most of the time I forget about it. Luckily Suga knows this and is always around to help you out.

· Once you start coming out of your shell he’s so happy to get to know the “real” you, your sarcasm, your interests, and your selfless nature- he’s happy to see you open up.

· He too is quiet and witty, but that’s more so because he likes to listen more than he likes to talk, when it comes to dishing out the roasts. So he’s supportive of you whenever you decide to be sassy, agreeing with you and slyly remarking about how correct you are, complimenting how well you read people.

· Suga stands by what he believes, too, which one of those things is happens to be you <3

· He’s patient so he’s not going to jump straight into physical affection, not wanting to make you uncomfortable and willing to respect your boundaries. And once you’re ready for him to be more affectionate he goes slowly, testing the water.

· He enjoys when you share your writing with him, he’s a smart boy and would try his best to enjoy the same activities as you. But if you’re too embarrassed to share your writing he won’t force it, it’s very intimate so he understands any hesitation you have.

· Sugawara loves to give you hugs, you’re the perfect height for him to come up beside you and hug you from behind and rest his face in your hair.

NOW TSUKISHIMA Because my brain really was like “but they stan him how can you not include him?” *eye emoji*

· Unlike Suga, he’s only slightly helpful when interacting with others, I feel like he doesn’t find it necessary to be involved in all conversations- if you’re too nervous to approach someone it may not be worth the conversation in the first place. That being said, if it’s because it’s a very important interaction and you’re nervous because of the gravity of it he will help by either intervening or saying what needs to be said, or he will stand by your side and nod as you make conversation. (What I mean is maybe it’s a group project and you don’t know your partner and he needs be there to help you not panic.)

· He’s pretty withdrawn himself so if he doesn’t have to get involved in social situations he won’t because most people seem to frustrate him.

· Tsuki is the king of sass so when you’re being witty and sarcastic he’s by your side smirking and making snide comments of his own. And the same can be said when you’re standing up for someone you believe in, even if he doesn’t have the same passion he’s there to support you by providing some smug comments.

· Style doesn’t mean very much to him, so your minimalist style won’t bother him, but I don’t think he’d point it out either way. He’s more interested in complementing you on your personality and interests rather than how you dress or decorate.

· He shares your love for music, so feel free to send him some song recommendations; he will do the same for you. This little nerd may act like he’s not interested in your music but if he ever needs to be reminded of you he has the songs saved because you told him about them and so now he associates you with those songs.

· This tall dinosaur will just rest his arm on your shoulder the moment you get used to his touch; he’ll pull you close because “it’s cold outside.”

· He will just try to avoid getting into situations that make you anxious, because he knows he’s not always the best with reassuring words. But you know he cares because he tries, despite being uncomfortable seeing you so upset and not being able to stop it.

· Kei will sadly tease you about your taste in anime on occasion, because even the best anime can have some stupidity or plot holes in them. But that just proves he pays attention to your interests, because if he didn’t know anything he wouldn’t make these comments.

· When you send him memes, depending on how he’s feeling you may leave you on read because it was a) ridiculous what does that even mean? Or b) send you a meme that is twice as absurd. He’s a bit meme critical because those really abstract ones are “a waste of time,” and that they don’t have a point.

· But if you use memes to communicate your feelings of like, love maybe, he’s going to just reply normally, because he doesn’t want to give you the satisfaction of making him sappy.

· But if you’re ever apart and he can see you’re feeling down he’ll send a wholesome meme to try and make you smile.

#Match-ups #Punkin look #submission #match ups #matchmaker #gif #Punkinwrites #AWIDHAWDH I hope these are okayyyyyy

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runnfromtheak · 5 years ago

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fanfic author’s tagging game (yay!)

Thank ya darling for tagging me!!!! @boyblunder-thedarkheir!!!!!

AO3 Name(s): LostandLonelyBirds aka RUNNFROMTHEAK

Fandom(s): Primarily Batfamily (so, Dick Grayson) and Young Justice (along with DCU obviously, but I also dabble into Miralculous Ladybug, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Harry Potter, and MCU (none of which I will ever seriously write for? Idk man).

Number of fics: 22 I will admit to (how do you have so many, my dear @boyblunder-thedarkheir? What is your secret?)

1. Fic you spent the most time on: Are we talking writing or thinking about writing, cause those are two very different answers. I spent the most time writing this bitch of a fic I’m working on right now, and the most time thinking about the two latest installments of my main series, Death is But An Illusion (aka How Could He and How Could It Be). I agonize over every goddamn detail with Dick’s anger, Jason’s Jason-ness, and every person’s every move and word. I am a mess, and I’m going to be murdered if I don’t update them soon. I am not sorry about that XD

2. Fic you spent the least time on: You Came Behind Me Secretly and Shattered Every Piece of Me (There's Blood On My Hands) aka my pick-your-own-canon clusterfuck of Dark!Dick Grayson and Dick Grayson being traumatized and tortured with no comfort (Some of them are so fucked up I question my own mind). I take less than an hour to write 80% of them, cause they’re short, and they very rarely take any time to plan. Fun and easy!

3. Longest Fic: At present, he had a chest full of heart and a body full of scars (pain became the only way that he could ever learn) is my longest, but the fic I’ve been hinting at on my other tumblr, @lostandlonelybirds is easily double the length (why do I do this to myself? Why am I like this?) the long boi (named one, not the one I won’t shut up about) is easily my best fic at the moment, and I’m so excited to write a sequel whenever I get the chance.

4. Shortest Fic: With Bated Breath and Pain You See (We're Nothing More Than Memories) technically, I have one shorter than that, but it’s a collab that wasn’t my original idea so I’m not counting it :)

5. Most Hits: You Came Behind Me Secretly and Shattered Every Piece of Me (There's Blood On My Hands) why do you people like this trash-fire so much? I don’t understand

6. Most Kudos: How Could He which does not surprise me.

7. Most Comment Threads: Technically, How Could He followed by the trash-fire AU title thing I’m too lazy to type again, but I’m gonna love on this one: Just Close Your Eyes (No One Can Hurt You Now) because it’s my baby, and it deserves it okay?

8. Fave Fic You Wrote: Ooo we are doing a top five.

5. How Could It Be (Jason is precious and sad and Dick is oblivious, and I love one-sided pining wayyyy too much)

4. How Could He (I put my life force into this stupid fic, so ofc it’s here)

3. I'm Scared to Live But I'm Scared to Die (I'm Numb Inside) (the suicidal boy, major trigger warning)

2. I See Things That Nobody Else Sees (And It's Slowly Killing Me) (the only fic I’ve ever written from Cass’s perspective, and definitely one of the creepiest and most fucked up. Bruce does not look good here)

1. he had a chest full of heart and a body full of scars (pain became the only way that he could ever learn) (so ummm Bruce doesn’t look good here either? RHATO #25 if DC wasn’t cowardly and let Dick react how he actually would, aka fuck Batman is the new motto)

9. Rewrites?: Fuck. All my older ones? Everything? Who knows.

10. Share a bit of your WIP or share a story idea that you’re planning:

Let’s do two. I’m nice.

First comes from How Could It Be:

“You loved him,” Donna says, ignoring his barb. “You loved him, and no one’s seen you or heard from you and I’m concerned, damnit.”

She punches his shoulder roughly, and he’s reminded of her strength, no matter how small she seems in her dead best friend’s sweater.

“I’m fine. Peachy-keen. Couldn’t be fuckin’ better. Honestly, you should be more concerned with Replacement, don’t think he’s slept in—”

“Jason.” Her voice is firm, even as her eyes swim with tears and she holds her arms tight to herself, breathing in the well-loved item’s scent. Jason wonders when Dick wore it last, if Donna had taken it from his abandoned Gotham Penthouse or his Chicago Apartment. He wonders if he’d left it draped over the couch, like the natural disaster he was, or if it had been folded neatly in a drawer.

For someone who prides himself on not being sentimental, Jason suddenly wishes he had something of Dick’s too.

“I’m here because I care, and because if Dick was here, he’d be doing the same thing I am.”

“But he ain’t here,” Jason snaps, “Is he?”

Donna’s head falls, and he feels like a giant jerk. He just… reacts poorly to that name, hasn’t heard it spoken since the transmission and subsequent funeral, since the guy he’d had the hots for since wearing the scaly panties had his mask ripped away and his life taken in front of Bruce’s eyes (who, to absolutely no one’s surprise, failed to save his son).

In the aftermath, no one said Dick Grayson’s name, always Nightwing, or some inane nickname the superhero community had for him. Last time he said it was to Damian, a failed attempt at comfort. But even Jason’s form of mutual grieving had been better than any of Bruce’s shit ideas. Bastard immortalized the ripped costume from his own son’s corpse (not that it had been the first time) and hadn’t even had the decency to give it a plaque (No ‘Good Soldier’ or ‘Good Son’, just a bare glass case with a bloody suit). Which… was weird. Jason was far from B’s best friend, but even he noticed something seemed strange, off, just not quite right. Like the funeral he didn’t speak at, like the breakdown none of them had witnessed beyond a one-off rage fit

“B, what the fuck happened down here?”

The Batcave was a disaster, dents glaringly obvious in several vehicles and a large spiderweb crack across the Batcomputer. Bruce closes the screen down, but Jason manages to catch a spiraling eye.

“Nothing, just…”

Bruce looks at the spare Nightwing costume none of them had taken down yet, still clean and ready for use (too bad its owner died and would never wear it again).

“Dick?” Jason questions, and the way Bruce’s eyes snap to his face is almost suspicious, almost enough to arouse concern.

“Yes. I—”

Jason sits next to Bruce on the desk, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I miss him too, Old Man. Don’t mean you need to be an ass about it.”

A memorial next to Jason’s own, but Dickhead’s is empty and broken from Damian’s fists and grief, and Jason’s is just gone. No one told him why, it was just gone.

Kind of like Dick.

He wonders if Bruce would have told him if the video hadn’t been broadcast, if he would’ve told anyone. B did love his fuckin’ secrets.

“No,” she whispers, and he can hear the tears in her voice, can feel her grief as keenly as his own. It’s palpable, tangible, “He’s dead, and I’m alive, and I don’t know how to handle it.”

And then, to Jason’s mounting horror, she starts crying openly.

…..

Second comes from my one I’m working on rn with Stray!Dick called I See Sunset In Your Eyes (I Hate This Part Right Here)

“Come on,” Wally says with a pout, dragging an overly amused Jason and Dick with him through the karaoke bar doors. “Donna and Roy are waiting for us, and Dick had to take forever to primp.”

Dick shrugs with a grin.

“Beauty takes time, time I can tell you did not take.”

Jason snorts, and Wally glares at him.

“At least I don’t take five hours to finish getting ready.”

“At least I can last longer than five minutes.”

“Ouch!” Roy butts in, throwing an arm around Jason and Dick’s shoulders. “Claws are out tonight!”

“Speaking from experience?” Jason asks, eyebrow raised.

Dick smirks without comment, sauntering past the group towards the table Donna’s lounging at.

“Hey gorgeous twin of mine,” He greets with a kiss to her eyes. She smirks, rolling her eyes at him.

“You’re just stroking your own ego with the twin tacked on, Wonder Boy.”

Dick bumps his shoulder against hers.

“Can’t I stroke both our egos?”

“You can stroke mine,” Wally mutters, turning red when Stray winks at his phrasing. Jason and Roy both facepalm, groaning. “Not what I meant guys!”

“Why Kid Idiot,” Dick replies, hand on his heart, “I had no idea you could be so forward~!”

Wally glares, waving over the waitress.

“Round of shots, on this dick,” he jerks his thumb at Stray, offering up his fake ID. She doesn’t bother checking it, probably because this is Gotham, and they were all in uniform. “Whisky, please.”

“Trying to get me drunk?” Jason jokes. It is, after all, his first big outing with the Titans for non-mission reasons. Stray had practically dragged him out of the Manor with a wink at Alfred and a middle finger for Bruce, saying that Jason needed to have fun outside of books.

Jason knows better than arguing with Dick Grayson-Kyle when he wants something, Stray trained him well.

“Of course, Batboy,” Roy replies, “It’s not a Titans outing if Stray is fully dressed and everyone’s sober.”

Dick shrugs.

“You’ll have to get some real liquor in me if you want me to do anything like last time.”

“Last time?” Jason asks, looking to Donna for an answer. Dick snorts. You get near naked one time…

“Boy Blunder ended up in just his boxers in a dancing cage drunk of his ass. Everyone thought he was one of the strippers, and he made, what, three-hundred dollars in bills?”

“Five-hundred,” Dick replies proudly, offering the waitress a twenty as she came back with their drinks. “Keep the change, darlin’!” He adds with a wink.

She flushes, making Jason frown.

Stray, of course, notices this and elbows Jason.

“Don’t get jealous, Blue Jay, it’s not becoming.”

Jason does not blush. He doesn’t, and that’s the hill he will die on.

“I’m not. On an unrelated note, pass me a shot.”

Jason is the master of changing the subject, Stray thinks sarcastically, passing him a shot and downing one of his own.

“Five bucks says alley cat blacks out,” Roy says smugly as Dick makes a face, the way he always did with heavier liquors. He glares at the redhead, who shrugs unapologetically.

Donna eyes them both speculatively, taking a sip of her own drink.

“Twenty says he gives a lap dance before he blacks out.”

Roy snorts.

“I’ll take it,” and to Dick, “Don’t do it, for me.”

Dick bats his eyes innocently.

“Lil’ old me? I would never do something so…” He trails a finger down Roy’s chest, making him swallow roughly. “Scandalous.”

Donna grins victoriously as Roy groans, trying and failing to hide his excitement.

“I hate you. I hate you both.”

Tagging whoever sees this, I suppose?

#dcu #dick grayson #my writing #stray!dick

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classybeardbluebird · 4 years ago

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Well i have something 2 say about the title of this particular ch 'REUNION OF CHILDHOOD FRIENDS' ..u see i am a MY SHIPPER ...so i might go ther a little ...so don't even think of bashing me×××× well when we talk about what ONS is all about?? What 1st comes 2 mind ...don't ans by telling humans vs vampires vs angels demons whatever....i am talking about imp value ..what is the most imp concept shown in ONS ...any guesses??? i know many of u have already deduced...yes it's the concept of FAMILY . This ppl 2 seek this miserable life ...2 cling 2 ther family no matter what cost is quite a imp focus in this story ....so this particular ch name hit me somewhere..i did not get it at 1st but now i noticed what it was ...the fact that its written CHILDHOOD FRIENDS kagami wrote childhood friends and not 'REUNION OF LOST FAMILY' or beloved/ precious family something like that ...sorry i am not really good with names so spare me so what i am trying 2 get at is if family is such a imp concept than why not add the word family over ther?? Why childhood friends??? Believe me takaya is really not trying 2 make mika and yuu relationship seem familiar love and if he is than he is doing a terrible job at it ....i mean 4 example mika birthday is 1st may whose birthstone is an gem with emerald green color and yuu's birthday 16th October who has 2 birthstone one of blue color and red color....which also leads 2 the possibility of soulmates ....now ppl listen this soulmates part is not from the view of a shipper or on a romantic basis u see the meaning of soulmates usually is of " someone who has a strong emotional bond with an individual it can be also in the sense of romantic or plantonic " but i would like 2 phrase it in a more twisted or deeper way ...yea i am twisted person so alt definition "soulmates is a very deep emotional bond between 2 individuals who have great sense of each others presence and always stick together no matter what , if they have each other 4 comfort they might no need 4 romance at all not from outside or even in between ....it varies .just physical contact is enough..it does not have 2 b intimate"....

I feel this is what Ashera meant by yuu's partner mika ...by seeing their closeness Ashera deduces that they r partner ....now ther was a part where even ferid called guren partner but their partnership is full of betrayals and gaining u can't possibly compare it 2 yuu and mika's partnership and here a demon called mika partner not yuu ...ashera who is now a part of yuu on seeing yuu's memories and feelings toward mika which made him conclude this partner thing and thus the above definition and as far as whose dependence is more bet mika and yuu and yuu and shinoa ...i bet mika and yuu ...u see mika is like the ultimate main sun 4 both yuu and shinoa ..i mean if mika was not ther 4 yuu would not have developed his feelings 4 family or adore his family the way he does it now and likeways would not have made shinoa feel that way and i even wonder how after getting thrown away from a car can keep mika acting like an angel and not feel any dread whatsoever who was mika's sun b4 yuu appeared? Any guesses? The hyakuya orphans? But they r younger than mika i wonder they can give a mental support like that ?..so coming back ....

Likeways after becoming a vamp mika found his sun as yuu well i believe yuu was his sun or hope even b4 that ...which is like a web chain

Mika( main sun) 《=》 yuu( sun) =》 shinoa

Well look at that i never thought that i will b brawling so much but how can anyone actually resist when it's my otp ....

I won't say that it's from a neutral view bcoz i believe it is not but i did gave analysis with canon materials which were provided but if u r unsatisfied then forgive me i am literally an amateur at this idk actually how 2 proceed with this kind of posts ...so if u want 2 add something about ur own opinion pls reblog it and write, my comment section will not be open and pls my hardest request 2 keep it parliamentary formal and not with rude comments ...

I might or will definitely post a theory about yuu and shinoa parallels and why they r a perfect match 4 each other is not a romantically implied one but how they stand 4 equal footing and what they want r quite similar ... u see i might need time becoz i am an imature amateur abt theories😭😭😥😥😥..i have a friend who will analyze this same concept but i believe it will b a more detailed one bcoz she is an experienced theorists ..she will do it in a more nice way than mine.....

So pls guys no rude comments bcoz i have faced it b4 and i was quite depressed but ig i have recovered from it and convince myself that this social messages r not at all imp and ignore them and no matter how many rude comments come it will not faze me i am mentally prepared but i rather not have such comments...so those who r thinking of spiting shit on me b4 u say anything let me say it b4 u " FUCK URSELF DUMBASSES".

That's all 4 this post ....thank u !!! I appreciate ur humble otherwises if u have any ...❤❤🤟🤟🤟love u all!!!

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captain-aralias · 5 years ago

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Fanfic year in review - 2019

yeah - i’m going to answer all these questions too. just watch me.

List of Completed Fics this year:

Keep Calm (Carry On, S/B and ensemble, Teen, 69k)

Sex and Blood (Carry On, S/B, Explicit, 16k)

The Sound of Silence (Carry On, S/B, Teen, 10k)

Coming Up For Air (Carry On, S/B, Explicit, 4k)

Hang the Moon (Carry On, S/B and ensemble, Teen, 30k)

The sky isn’t black anymore (Carry On, S/B, Explicit, 9k)

This is fine (B7, B/A and ensemble, Teen, 4k)

Total: 7 fics, 142k words - making it one of my most prolific years ever in terms of word count! (even though i wrote about 30k of ‘keep calm’ last year, which would take the total down to a more reasonable level).

i answer some questions about them below the cut...

Best/worst title?

Keep Calm is the best title, for sure, as it’s a role reversal of ‘Carry On’. The only bad thing about this title is that i love role reversal fics and i can never use it again. also... i guess as i got to the end i started to think... ‘Should i bring out this theme of calmness...? is this even a theme????’ It was a bit distracting, essentially.

worst title is ‘Sex and Blood’, which does what it says on the tin - can’t deny it. it’s supposed to be about how vampirism links the two things for baz, right? .... but i don’t like it. also - when people comment on it (thank you! please do comment on it! please keep reading it!) this stupid title that i wrote appears on my lock screen of my phone, which i just leave lying around at work.

but i know - i did it to myself. i should have thought of a better title.

Best/worst summary?

i don’t know if i already pointed this out on tumblr, but i noticed recently that all my ‘carry on’ fic summaries have a [Clause A - bad or good situation] but/or some other conjunction [Clause B - something happens that causes a fic to exist!] structure, except for ‘The Sound of Silence’.

Even having realised that, I’ve still written a summary with the same turn for my as yet unnamed bodyswap fic...

I think the best summary is probably ‘Keep Calm’.

Worst summary - Coming Up for Air, but I was trying not to give spoilers for Wayward Son. and it’s a PWP.

Best/worst first line?

generally i love my first lines, and hate my last lines.

i would say all of my 2019 first lines are indeed pretty good. ‘The sky isn’t black anymore’ is straight into being X-rated so i’m not going to quote it here in case that’s not your jam, but i like it a lot.

i also like: There’s something wrong with Baz. (Sex and Blood). Obvious - but, it works.

i don’t not like any of them, even the really long rambling first line of ‘This is FIne’.

i will call out the first line of ‘Keep Calm’ though, because i spent ages trying to work out how to punctuate it, and i still don’t know what i should have done. it currently reads: The Mage is waiting for me, outside the door to Mummer’s House.

depending on when you read it, though (and i’m sure you didn’t notice) it may have had no comma (The Mage is waiting for me outside the door to Mummer’s House.) or it might have been a dash where the comma was, or even - gasp - a full stop (because rainbow likes to break sentences into fragments so that’s ok).

i kept changing it. this may seem like a complete waste of time (and i think the right-right answer is that there shouldn’t be a break at all - no comma is correct), but i wanted the first sentence to FEEL like ‘the mage is waiting for me’ - the place is merely corroborative detail. the point is the mage is there, about to take simon away and change the plot. hence ... the punctuation.

Best/worst last line?

as i said - very few of my last lines are what i wanted. i have not mastered them at all. too often it’s just ‘this is where i ran out of story’. the worst is the ending to the ‘Sound of Silence’ where i literally resorted to ‘Carry On’ cliche to get out of it: And he kisses me.

it’s fine, it works - but i could have done better.

the actual ending line of ‘Hang the Moon’ is pretty good i think, but the pacing of that ending is all wrong. i’m much happier now i wrote a whole extra fic so the weight of everything ending isn’t on those final hundred words.

the BEST last line i wrote... the one that actually really works (for me) is ‘Coming Up For Air’. And I feel like I can breathe again.

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

apparently i wrote a lot - which i probably wouldn’t have predicted last year, although by this time last year i’d written ‘the mage’s heir’ and the first half of ‘keep calm’, which did provide much of the wordcount for this year. so - i guess if i’d thought about it, it would have seemed plausible.

first person helps me write long. and in b7 i learned to write long.

i guess i’m surprised because it felt like i wasn’t writing that much in comparison to some people in the fandom (and i probably still didn’t in comparison!) and i wrote several long things rather than many short things, so the list is still pretty short despite being MANY words....

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

strange though it may be to say - i probably wouldn’t have predicted i’d write blake’s 7 this year. ‘never go back’ - that’s my motto. or rather ‘i can’t go back, my brain doesn’t work that way’. but good to have done it.

What's your favourite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

hard to say. it’s a draw between ‘keep calm’, which i love because it did everything i wanted it to. and ‘hang the moon’, which is a collection of all my favourite tropes loosely disguised as a fic.

they’re also the two longest - and i tend to like the long ones better for reasons i have gone into before.

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

it’s pretty much a tie between ‘keep calm’ and ‘sex and blood’ - and since ‘keep calm’ was many chapters long, is earlier, and much more heavily promoted by self and the big bang, i’m pretty sure that means ‘sex and blood’ is more popular over all.

thank you fandom, for loving vampire porn as much as i do.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

we all know (well, those of us who know what it is) that b7 is a tiny fandom, so with that in mind, i think ‘This is Fine’ is well appreciated! <3

the story that is (to me) surprisingly about half as popular as most things that i’ve written for ‘carry on’ is ‘Coming up for air’, which i have now re-linked for you in case you never read it.

it disproves the rule that shorter porny things will be more read (although obviously the vampire porn suggests the opposite). idk, i thought it would catch those who were in the post-wayward son crash, like i was.

the other thing to say here is that it was still extremely appreciated - i mean, it’s got about 50 times as many kudos as any of my b7 things, and overall i would say it is a thing that is well received. i know i’m fortunate to be friends with people who re-blog my stuff and people who comment, and i (in turn) really appreciate THAT.

so - it’s not a whine. just an observation

Story that could have been better?

i think i would have written ‘This is fine’ better if i’d written it five years ago. i definitely could have written a blake-travis mindlink to make the gods weep with its perfection ;) what a prompt.

i’ve talked about how i don’t rate the endings of ‘Sound of Silence’ or ‘Hang the Moon’ as well, so i think these could have been better. if only i was better at waiting.., and thinking of an ending. or just - if only i was better at endings.

Sexiest story?

i think that’s the one that has the word ‘sex’ in the title. because vampires are sexy. and so is informed consent.

Saddest story?

sad?? what is this SAD?

‘This is fine’ is quite sad given that it’s also about telepathic pornography. because we know everyone’s going to die soon.

and ‘Sound of Silence’ isn’t sad, at least i don’t think it is - but Baz certainly is sad while it’s happening.

Most fun?

i think ‘hang the moon’ is the most fun - because it has all the things that i like best happening in it. they fight some merwolves together, they go plate shopping, simon fights lots of people, fiona is there - it’s very fun.

Story with single sweetest moment?

hang the moon, probably. the bit with the moon.

although i was thinking... surely i should talk about ‘keep calm’ a bit - isn’t it my equal fav? and i was thinking - what is the sweetest moment there... and the answer honestly is that i think the sweetest moment is the bit where the mage and simon are gardening together and simon doesn’t know if their relationship is doomed forever ... AND THEN the mage tells simon they can watch some VHSes of lucy next time simon comes back and they dont hug, but it is ... enough <3

I’M SORRY - I LOVE AWKWARD FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIPS BEING REDEEMED.

Hardest story to write?

‘keep calm’ took me months and there were moments when i thought - fuck, this is not ending, and i hate not being able to talk to anyone about this because this fest is going on for months. and i was fortunate that i had the idea of emailing sharkmartini who i then did not know at all, and she was enthusiastic and getting that feedback made me think - ok, this is worth doing. i can finish this.

but also - i started writing ‘sound of silence’ immediately after the ‘mage’s heir’ finished and i eventually published it over a year later. because the device i’d chosen meant that simon couldn’t say or do anything for most of the bloody story. and that meant that nothing happened, baz, thanks for nothing, and it was very hard to write.

and ‘This is fine’ - i must have written it in a few weeks. so it clearly wasn’t that hard. but in comparison to back when i (though i) knew everything that Avon would ever think or say... it was hard.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

Coming up for air was the easiest story. i haven’t written anything else in a day for this fandom, although it is something i’ve done before, back in the day.

most of the others were also really fun to write, unless i put them in the ‘hardest story to write’ box. so, you know - about half.

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

i started to write ‘no’, but that isn’t true. writing ‘The sky isn’t black anymore’ shifted my perception of the way that i’d written Baz in ‘Hang the Moon’ i.e. my own fic (how wanky is that?)

most of the others are me putting things that i think about characters into words. so i did the thinking before, rather than during.

Most overdue story?

i wanted to post ‘This is fine’ on Gauda Prime Day and didn’t :( but i know bunnacula said that was ok ;) so i think the most overdue was the one that took me over a year to finally bother finishing.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

eeeeeer...

yes, maybe. i would say writing a happy ending for simon in ‘keep calm’ where the happy ending is that he gets a better relationship with his father (see above) as well as getting to go out with baz (whose happy ending is also not just about simon, but mostly is) is a risk in a fandom where everyone hates the mage so much.

and then i finally wrote my thing about how i think the mage is actually right about many things, and fiona is classist. what i haven’t ever said explicitly on tumblr, i don’t think (though i said it on LJ) is that another reason it is so much easier for me to be sympathetic towards the mage is that he literally is a version of roj blake (the main character of my old fandom and my personal fav). obviously the mage is a blake who is a bit more autistic and significantly further off the deep end on the ‘greater good’ scale than blake ever was. but blake even also dresses like robin hood and is from wales. i haven’t said this before because i feel like it cheapens my semi-championing off him/might make people who really can’t tolerate the mage think ‘wtf? is aralias mental? why does she like roj blake so much?’ to be fair - lots of people in b7 hated him too.

ANYWAY. what i learned from that is - these are the stories i want to tell and no one got upset, so that is awesome and i shouldn’t be so worried about what people think before i know what people think.

i also wrote vampire porn, but i didn’t consider that a risk. because i knew that sharkmartini would love it - and that was one person and that was enough. are we all going to write more vampire porn in 2020? i hope so.

This year's theme and the story that demonstrates it most:

good question but hard to answer.

i think the theme is ...... possibly influenced by ‘wayward son’..... poor communication is bad; good communication is good. maybe?

and the fic that most demonstrates this is one that i have the most problems with, and that’s ‘The Sound of Silence’ where simon literally can’t communicate for the first half of the fic. and then baz solves his own problem by saying ‘sorry’ and giving back simon’s voice.

‘The sky isn’t black anymore’, which i really like but feel i haven’t talked about much (it’s an unproblematic fav!) feels very similar and in fact i struggled to make it less about communication/saying what you want than it kept wanting to be. because i was thinking - this isn’t the problem of the fic! the problem is that it’s all too fast, right? but actually - and here we come back to the learning about the characters - it was both.

because baz is a character who doesn’t communicate. and, like simon in ‘sound of silence’, he was also shut out from the POV in ‘hang the moon’.

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

write more! i want to get my ‘wayward son’ bodyswap out the door before the end of february..... maybe even january, but february sounds very achievable.

i have to finish my zine fic and then lop about 2000 words out of it, probably.

i want to write another epic thing that is also about politics and vampires. it’s the one where natasha is alive, as well as other things. the problem with this one is that while i know a lot about it, i dont know exactly what the arc is - and i’m bored of re-writing simon giving up his magic to fix the humdrum (which i did... once... but i guess that was too often). so i have to try and work out what the climax is if it isn’t that - and i like to know the ending before i start...... but. my goal is to figure these things out and then write it.

vampire porn - obvs.

aaaand - for all of us: i will run a remix! oh yes, i will run a remix. ‘carry on big bang’ (which i definitely won’t do, it’s too solitary for me and too slow, alas - even though i keep thinking ‘i could do my vampire thing! it’s long’. it’s got to be a no) and the zine are in the first half of the year....... and i’m busy and stuff. so i thought it was going to be in december - but now i’m probably going for sign ups in march, post in may. I LOVE REMIX. i’m excited already.

#Blake's 7 #my content #carry on

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missfaber · 5 years ago

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author interview

I was tagged by @orangeflavoryawp, thank you so much!

I already know I’m going to enjoy this way too much, writing is such a lonely endeavor and I just love talking about it, sooo... I apologize in advance for rambling.

name: Madeline/Maddie

fandoms: this is complicated because there’s fandoms I very much consider myself a part of because they’re just a huge part of my life, even though I don’t contribute content to them, and then there’s fandoms I do create content for. So idk where the line is drawn!

fandoms I contribute/ have contributed to: Avatar the Last Airbender, Game of Thrones, Merlin BBC, Once Upon a Time, Legend of Korra

fandoms I haven’t contributed to but are so dear to me: Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings (my two favorite things ironically lol), and lots more

where you post: AO3, used to be ff.net and livejournal too

most popular one shot: by kudos, it’s as if death itself was undone (zutara, atla: katara wakes up to azula in their house and wants to find out a) why she is welcome b) why zuko is acting so weird)

most popular multichapter: by kudos, it’s soldier, go bravely on (jonsa + gendrya, got, complete, rewrite of the last episode of got with sweetness and angst and action, and may i say some common sense?)

favorite story you wrote: fuck omg this is difficult lol! because I both criticize and love all my stories in equal measure, I honestly don’t write anything that i don’t love, that doesn’t give me butterflies / actual chest pain (from angst). I feel like I’m being asked to choose a favorite child lol. so I’ll try to justify these picks somehow...

closest to my heart: soldier, go bravely on (also mentioned above). this is the fic that brought me back to writing fic, and to tumblr even! I was on hiatus (that I didn’t know was a hiatus because I had no intention of coming back) for six years before writing this fic. I wrote it so quickly after the got finale, it was such a passionate and fevered few days and it just sucked me back in to everything I used to love as a teenager. It was also a nice stretch out of my comfort zone, because of the dialogue (which was so tightly planned it’s ridiculous, I wrote the whole fic as a screenplay type thing first to make sure there wasn’t a single dialogue word not needed) and tv-episode style. It’s also such a wish-fulfillment fic that I can’t read certain parts without getting a bit teary. for all those reasons and more, this fic will always be so special to me.

most proud of: wolf, circle north (jonsa, got, alternate season 7 & 8). this is the longest fic I’ve ever attempted and the number I’ve hours I’ve sunk into it is astounding and i should be ashamed. It’s going to be obscenely long (my outline is 70+ chapters) and when I pull it off, best believe it’s going into a bound book so I can look at how thicc it is and be like, “I did that!” lol. The range of POVs is one of the most challenging but most rewarding part of this fic, and why I’m so proud of it. This is another wish-fulfillment fic for me, not just because it’s another fix-it fic but because I have been writing bits and pieces of this fic for about three years. I kept thinking of jonsa scenarios and little scenes I would have loved to see after season 6 and writing them in a little secret doc, just for me, as I never thought I’d write fic again. After writing “soldier” i had already broken my hiatus and I realized this fic was an actual possibility, so I put it out into the world. I couldn’t be more happy that I did that. Not only did it give me the chance to be in such an excellent, lovely fandom, but the feedback I get is so validating after having this be my secret little project for so long.

most formative: Coffee & Cigarettes, (merthur, merlin bbc) I’m ashamed to list this and the merthurs reading this 100% want to kill me for having the audacity because it’s incomplete and hasn’t been updated since 2013 when there’s only one chapter left so what’s my excuse? I call this the most formative for me because until I published this I didn’t really have a fic that people followed and liked, eagerly awaited updates for, and commented regularly on. I was writing a lot of one-shots and atla stuff on tumblr (I used to RP lmao I was like 15 ok?) This was the first time I experienced so many fic-life things, like being excited to get AO3 emails, etc. This was the first time I started to really focus on character which is so important to me now, my writing is completely character driven. Not to mention Merlin and Arthur’s dumbassery and sheer attraction and denial is just... *chef’s kiss*

guiltiest pleasure: my recent foray into nedsei, who am I??? one more word and you won’t survive, just international hate sex

story you were most nervous to post: ummm idk I’m usually excited not nervous, since for me fic writing is just fun, I write things I’d enjoy reading and that I’m proud of. I read my own fics more than anyone else does, I guarantee it. am I a narcissist? who knows I guess I’ll say “soldier” again because I hadn’t posted fic in six years.

how you choose your titles: wow the hardest part of fic writing for me!!!!! thanks!!!!! lol. Okay so for my work titles, which are always terrible and I literally regret them immediately after posting, it’s usually just some words I play around with and string together that are somewhat thematic and related to the work... they’re always terrible lmao, I hate making titles. I mean, look at “soldier, go bravely on” and “wolf, circle north” for god’s sake, I hate them lmao. But I have to pick a title to post, so!!! For chapter titles and one-shots I’ll usually go with a song lyric, and especially for my chapter titles I spend so long seeking out the perfect one that reflects some thematic or emotional content of the chapter somehow. I’m very proud of my chapter titles for wolf, circle north. I have a doc on my scrivener just for chapter titles that I created in the very early stages of writing it, where I just dumped HUNDREDS of song lyrics that I thought I might use. Then by them I wrote some scenarios where they could work. here’s a screenshot:

It’s so helpful now. Sometimes posting an update will take an hour more than necessary because of me going through that doc, finding the perfect lyric.

do you outline: OH, DO I OUTLINE... Hell Yeah, I outline. I couldn’t live without outlining. I love outlining. My outlines have outlines. I’m a planner centric, calendar centric, bullet-journal bitch so of course I love outlining. In all seriousness though: I write out of chronological order. I feel my writing is best when I write the scene I’m in the mood to write- unfortunately this scene could be ten chapters down the line from the chapter I’m gonna post next. This is the biggest reason outlining is necessary for me. If I didn’t have an outline, my story would be a non-post-able mess.

I wasn’t kidding when I said my outlines have outlines. For wolf, circle north I have, um, a few. Character/location centric outlines where I bullet every scene that needs to happen for that plot to happen cohesively (these were all more or less completed before I even started writing the fic), then a “loose” outline that I copy everything from the other outlines into for some semblance of chronological order, then a Polished Final Outline that I write from. I know that sounds psychotic. It’s how my brain works. Some photo evidence/explanation:

And here’s a screengrab of my Final Outline, this is pretty much how it is all the way down- The POV character is italicized in the front, I talk to myself a lot in there, let myself get carried away, will sometimes write out whole segments of the scene if they come to me while outlining. Spoilers for chapters 1-3 of w,cn I guess!!!

Then, because scrivener is awesome, I get to see this outline in the corkboard view (I input every scene as a card) and so I get to see every part of my outline as a Synopsis on the right hand side of the doc where I’m writing the scene:

The POV and status tags (which are completely customizable) on the lower right are helpful too. This post is just a scrivener ad.

complete: 9 works

in progress: 4 works

coming soon / not yet started: I have so many fics in the works, I’m an indulgent person so if an idea comes to me I usually go with it for a time. I’ve had a very not-serious Jonsa PLL AU I’ve been writing on and off since summer. I have three different fairytale AUs (also jonsas) I’ve been working on and one time travel AU for @sunbeamsandmoonrays. I can’t say when or if any of these will see the light of day, because my priority is my WIPs and my original writing. But the most prevalent are my Halloween fics (one jonsa, one gendrya, one merthur) which I really want to be able to put out this month, but only if I meet some other goals. I’m trying to rein in my indulgent ass, ya’ll.

do you accept prompts: no. sorry! but I do workshop ideas with friends, for example the nedsei fic happened that way by talking with @flibbertigiblet. But I don’t take writing prompts in my inbox.

upcoming story you are most excited to write: my halloween merthur fic. it’s witchy, sassy, and I’m so excited to get back into the heads of these characters.

Tagging! @uchihabat @anniebibananie @noqueenbutthequeeninthenorth @sailorshadzter @vivilove-jonsa and any other lovely writer soul who wants to do this!

#askjshssj thanks for reading this lol i went off!#my writing #writing things #jonsa #merthur #zutara #fanfiction #fanfiction writing

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spaedia · 5 years ago

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PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO READ.

alrighty dudes, dudettes, and everything in between. this is the last post i intend to ever make on tumblr, so listen up. in regards to the bullshit “callout” posted the other day:

CALLOUT, I GUESS, FOR DEVIL AND CO, BUT MOSTLY DEVIL BC LET’S FACE IT, WITHOUT THE SCREENSHOTS YOU PROVIDED, YOUR ARGUMENT FOR WHY WART IS A BAD PERSON IS “HE DAMAGED MY EGO OWO”. YOU SAID THIS WASN’T YOUR PROBLEM? WELL I’M MAKING IT YOUR PROBLEM, ASSHAT.

so let’s start w/ the screenshots in question. i haven’t read the callout, so idk what was used, but considering i had upwards of 5 people come to me and ask me if i was okay, i can take a guess. let the record show that all of the messages i sent to dev and norgie regarding wart was in the midst of our breakup, which was messy enough as is. when wart and i first broke up, i had dev and co blocked bc of personal reasons. devil then decided to HUNT DOWN ONE OF MY BLOGS and follow me (after i assume staking it out, bc he’s known for stalking people). i confronted him, and he gave me some shtick about how he’ll “always care about me” and i’m “still his little sister”, blah blah blah other manipulative bullcrap. against my better judgement, i let him back in.

wart was my first boyfriend. i adored him with everything i had, so naturally, this breakup left me in a bad emotional state. devil and norgie took COMPLETE ADVANTAGE OF THIS, and when i told them what happened between wart and i, immediately began twisting it to make wart out to be the bad guy. it was norgie who originally suggested that i had been emotionally abused, and in my vulnerable state, i began to see things that way.

not that it’s anyone’s business, but if you wanna know how the breakup went, it was something like this: wart’s mental state was deteriorating, i suggested maybe we take a break, immediately went back on that statement, wart broke things off the next morning. there was no emotional abuse, no threatening of suicide, no physical violence - it was a breakup. things didn’t work out. it happens. but of course, this didn’t fit dev and co’s narrative, so they needed to get me to admit things were much worse than they were. when i later came to my senses and realized this was all bullshit, devil and norgie then decided to GUILT TRIP ME by pointing out how they spent “two hours” on call with me while i cried. after i had just had my heart broken. no shit i was upset. newsflash: wart spent a lot longer with me on call while i was breaking down. hell, he broke up with me and still let me cry on his shoulder. and unlike dev and norgie, he never once acted like i owed him, because that’s what friends do. but hey, go on and talk about how wart’s the abusive one.

devil has spent years abusing my trust. every time i tell him i don’t want so speak with him, he comes back awhile later with some new apology and reasoning for his behavior. and like most toxic relationships, it was hard to let him ago, especially after losing the person i cared most about. he blatantly took advantage of my situation to fuel his vendetta. the only reason i told him anything was because he promised me he wouldn’t make a post unless wart “stepped out of line” (which, looking back, is a huge red flag: what gives him the right to police other people?). and had i not begun to confront him about all the bullshit he made me say, he probably would have held off. in fact, he told me that one of the “main reasons” he felt this “needed to come out” was because i was starting to defend wart. when i realized that dev was serious about making this callout, i told him i wanted no part of it. he asked me for screenshots of some of my and wart’s conversations, to which i gave him a hard no. did that stop him from using our personal messages in his sorry excuse for a callout? of course not. these are the type of people who don’t care about anyone except themselves, dev has made that perfectly clear. MY PRIVACY AND AN INNOCENT MAN’S WELL BEING MEANT NOTHING TO HIM. all he and his friends cared about was spurring along their vendetta. and honestly, if i was wart, i would have sued y’all for harassment and defamation of character ages ago.

with the matter of those messages out of the way, let’s move on to dev’s actual claims. this is where the defamation gets real, because he had the nerve to call wart a predator. seriously? what, because he dated someone a few years younger than him?

dev loves to throw the word pedo.phile around, despite the fact that he obviously doesn’t know what it means. pedo.philia “is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children”. i started puberty when i was twelve, and wart and i didn’t even meet until i was fifteen. so immediately, he doesn’t fit the bill for a pedo.phile. #sorrynotsorry.

but let’s work around that. let’s say, that because he was romantically attracted to me, that automatically makes him a pedo.phile. i’m going to remind everyone of something devil would love to leave buried: the fact that, when i was thirteen, and again at fourteen, devil tried to coerce me into writing smut with him, along with a sixteen year old girl. he used my trust of him to assure me that it would be fine. his excuse? “my (ex)girlfriend made me do it.” cause that’s a solid argument alright. so fine, label wart a pedo.phile. i sure hope dev’s planning on giving himself the same label, because what he did is a lot worse lmao.

i don’t have screenshots from dev and my conversations, i think he deleted that account, but here’s him w/ the other girl.

so yeah long story short: dev knew this girl was underage, still tried to smut with her. take my word that he tried with me, i guess. i don’t think he’s ever denied it.

now, admittedly, i didn’t need to bring this up, but according to devil it’s important that predators get called out, so...he brought this on himself.

now i’m going to tell y’all the story of how wart and i started dating, because it really puts a hole in this “predator” story. see, for wart to be a predator, he would have had to target me in some way (come to think of it, much like devil did to me). when wart and i got together, dev and i weren’t talking, and i never got around to telling him how this happened, only that it did. (if i did tell him, i forgot about it, and that makes it even worse bc he knows this already lmao.)

it was may sixth. i was fifteen, wart was nineteen. we had been talking for awhile, and sometime in the past week or so, i had talked to my mom about liking this guy who was older than me. she told me about her own relationships with older guys when she was my age, and that so long as he didn’t try anything, she was fine with it. so on that spring day, i confessed my feelings to wart. and y’know the first thing he said to me? “wait a few years.” a logical statement, one i probably should have taken to heart, but i was a fool in love, so i didn’t. i spent the next hour or so convincing wart to go out with me, and he eventually pitied me enough (he’d admit to something along those lines not long after) to agree. neither of us expected this to become an actual relationship, but hey, a year and a half’s not a bad run.

to make a long story short: i asked wart out, not the other way around. i begged him to date me, not the other way around. and this wasn’t some secret relationship. my parents knew from the beginning, and gave it the okay.

i think i addressed everything in that lameass “callout”, but because dev’s The Worst, i know he’s going to pull at threads to try and get his “predator” accusations to stick. i’m going to post this, and devil will immediately reply “but wait!! he is a predator: you said you two slept together!!” and then post the message where i said exactly that, added some details to make it realistic, whatever, but then fail to post the message a few days later where i told him IT WAS A HALF-BAKED STORY.

see, after wart and i broke up, i heard rumors that he and i had been sleeping together when he was up here. i’m gonna shoot those rumors down right now. a) i’m asexual and sex repulsed. i wouldn’t sleep with someone if they paid me. devil and norgie know this, but they chose to ignore it in favor of a juicy story. b) the story i gave them was incredibly inconsistent. to the point where even devil pointed out my inconsistencies, but then conveniently forgot that ever happened, then, when i told him it was bullshit, TRIED TO INSIST IT WAS TRUE. as if he knows better than i do what happened lmao. c) wart and i were never alone for more than a few minutes. my bedroom walls aren’t exactly soundproof. my bed frame is metal, it squeaks whenever i sit on it. so yeah, obviously we got away with having sex. dumbass.

now, when i heard these rumors, i decided to roll with them. what did i have to lose, right? so yeah, i spiced it up, gave devil and norgie some random details to make it realistic, and told them not to tell anyone (which as far as i know, they haven’t, so thanks for not spreading rumors i guess). when devil brought it up to me during his rant about how this callout “needed to happen”, i pretty much laughed in his face and told him it never happened. and then he tried insisting it did and i rolled my eyes so hard i think i gave myself a headache.

tl;dr: someone started rumors that wart and i slept together, i confirmed them for shits and giggles, but no, it never happened, for all the reasons stated above.

oh, and as for dev’s reason for this vendetta? he’s told wart that it was because he (wart) wrote a character that dev wanted to write. i’m still convinced it’s over a fragile ego. either way, Real Mature, dude.

NOW i think i covered anything. phew, that’s a doozy. as i said, this is the last post i intend to ever make on this hellsite, but i encourage everyone who sees this to reblog it so that we can clear a (mostly) innocent man’s name. did wart hurt me? yes. was it enough to warrant this abuse?? not in the slightest.

my discord is still on my blog if anyone wants it (unless you’re friends with devil, norgie, kirby, or anyone else involved in this. if that’s the case, i’ll see you in hell). as for my legacy on this hellsite, let it be known that i tried to fight the good fight. i hope it’s good enough.

el psy kongroo.

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knifeshoerpf · 6 years ago

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He’s Home - William Nylander

Request: Nope A/N: I finally wrote something??? Wow??? Is this a sign?? Probably not, idk. But yes here you goooooo! Warnings: swearing, nothing much more.

It’s kinda funny, but Willy’s phone buzzes with a notification from Twitter.

TSN Hockey @TSNHockey

BREAKING: The #MapleLeafs have signed F William Nylander to a six-year, $41.4M contract and he will play this season. #NHL #NylanderWatch #TSNHockey Willy laughs, shaking his head, as the texts start to pour in.

A Matts 14:02 Fina fucking lly Mitchy 14:02 YESSSSS BOI Kappy 14:03 why do u have to b such a dramatic bitch Willy takes his time replying to the messages. He’s waiting for one in particular, but as the minutes go by and he doesn’t see your name in his notifications, his frown deepens.

It’s fine, she’s probably busy right now, he tells himself.

“Going home” is the caption Willy finally settles on. It’s short and sweet and to the point, he thinks, as he uploads the black and white image of his leafs gear bag to Instagram.

Again, there’s a swarm of comments and likes and DMs.

(There’s many DMs from girls)

But nothing from you.

Willy bites his lip, and huffs.

“Will! We gotta go, the car’s here!” His youngest sister yells from outside the house, and he snaps out of his head space.

“You're way too excited to get rid of me, huh?” He runs his hand through her hair, and picks up his bag.

“I will miss you but I miss watching you score, Willy.” She says, her face scrunched up, and he laughs.

“I’ll get right on that, then.”

“The prodigal son returns!” Kappy declares, and it reverbs in the mostly empty Pearson Airport parking lot. Willy laughs and slaps his hand against Kappy’s, pulling him into a hug.

“Missed ya buddy,”

“Missed you too. C’mon, let’s get going.” Kappy says, and soon they’re pulling out of the parking lot.

Kappy’s chattering keeps Willy’s mind off of you, but not for long. The car they’re in passes a very familiar neighbourhood and it jolts Willy.

“So Freddie is like, ready to suplex the entire D core into the ice -- ”

“Stop! Stop stop -- stop the car! Pull over there!” Willy yells, and Kappy, bless his heart, does exactly what he asks for although extremely bewildered. Willy all but jumps out of the car and dashes into the apartment complex.

“Dude what the fuck?” Kappy asks, catching up to him as the lift doors close. Willy jabs the button for the 3rd floor. “Can’t explain now,” he says, tapping his foot against the floor of the elevator as Kappy eyes him weirdly.

The doors open, and muscle memory basically drags Willy to the white door with a lopsided gold number 6. He raps on the door, and then thinking twice, covers the peephole with his hand.

Just in case.

“Are we robbing someone?” Kappy whispers, and Willy has to do a double-take. “What the f -- yeah, we’re robbing someone, that’s why I fucking knocked --”

The door swings open and the two boys straighten up.

Willy’s thankful he covered the peephole, because the moment you make eye contact with him, the smile on your face drops and you slam the door in his face.

Well. Not exactly the reception he’s been waiting for.

He knocks again.

“Go away!” Your voice comes through, and Willy shakes his head.

“Kappy really has to pee!” he yells back, and said man turns to look at him, eyebrows raised and mouthing several swear words.

The door opens slightly, just enough distance for your face. You raise an eyebrow.

“Yeah dude, Kappy really has to pee and you know how far my house is -- we’re not gonna make it and you know we can’t just go into a mall without getting mobbed. Please?” You turn to Kappy, who slowly nods. “Yes, please let me in before I...pee myself.” He says to you, face devoid of any and all emotion.

You sigh, covering your face with your hand, and open your door fully. Kappy utters a quick thank you and enters, and you point him in the direction of your bathroom. Willy steps in, shutting the door behind him.

There’s an awkward silence that fills the room once Kappy leaves. You turn, about to retreat into the kitchen when Willy speaks up.

“So, I’m back! In case you didn’t notice, haha.” You level him with a stare and he stops smiling. Rolling your eyes, you turn away to go back to your work.

“Babe come on, say something?” Willy says, and you face him, arms crossed.

“Say what, Willy? You made your feelings very, very fucking clear when you told me I was ‘not that important right now’ a week ago, remember?” You shoot back, venom in your voice, and he winces.

“Okay in my defense I was worried about the whole signing thing, okay? And I just had a lot on my plate --” Willy starts, running his hand through his hair when you cut in.

“I don’t care. I think it’s because you’re not that important to me right now.” You reply, and his eyes widen. It’s a second before he gets the reference, before he sees your point, but in that moment hearing you say he wasn’t important crushed him. And he gets it.

He reaches forward and touches your arms. You move to turn away, but he just steps towards you and holds you.

“Hey,” He starts, his voice quiet. “Hey, just look at me, yeah babe?”

His soft voice, him calling you babe, him being here after months and months of not seeing him -- its all too much. Fuck, you missed him so fucking much and to think, if this was happening just a week ago, you’d both be all over each other and over the moon. Except you’d called him and he’d been so curt. And when you started needling he’d just snapped. Fuck. Your eyes start tearing and you start crying, shoulders shaking.

“Babe, babe, babe, fuck c’mere,” Willy soothes, pulling you into him and you go, all the fight in you gone. He tucks your head under his chin and holds you tight. “I’m so fucking sorry, okay? I’m so fucking sorry I spoke to you like that. I just -- there was so much going on and I was just so fucking scared and nervous and done and you asked me when I was coming back and -- I don’t know, I just lost it. I’m so sorry you had to hear that. I’m so sorry I spoke to you like that. I love you, okay? I really do. And you’re always, always gonna be important to me, I swear.” Willy presses a kiss to the top of your head, and you nod.

You pull away from him, and he wipes your tears off your face. You finally take a good look at him - his hair’s longer than you remember, his face is scruffy, but his eyes still have that look in them that you know is just for you.

“I missed you, you fucking asshole,” You say, smiling, and he laughs.

“I missed you too, babe.” He says, bringing a hand up to caress your cheek. Impatient, you tip toe and lean in, pressing your lips to his. Holding your face, Willy presses into you, deepening the kiss, and you throw your arms around him. You’d missed this so much, you’d missed him, and nothing was going to take him away from you for a long while and that thought --

“Are you fucking with me right now?”

You jolt away from Willy, who still chases your lips until you shove him away. He groans.

“I’m done fake-peeing! You’re welcome, by the way,” Kappy shoots at Willy, and then turns to you. “Hi, you look like a really sweet and wonderful girl. Can you tell me what the fuck! Is going on!” He half-yells, and you open your mouth ready to...you’re not even sure what, but Willy steps in.

“Kappy...this is Y/N. She’s my girlfriend.”

“You...have a girlfriend...and why have I literally never heard of any of this?” Kappy asks, eyes wide, and Willy looks at you. You shrug, smiling.

“Because it’s new -- ”

“How new?”

“We met 2 months before I left for Sweden, dude.”

“Holy shit, that’s new.”

“Yeah,” Willy says in a ‘duh’ tone that gets a chuckle out of you, before continuing. “That’s why I didn’t say anything about her to anyone. Not even my parents, or Alex -- ”

“Uh -- ” You cut in, and the boys turn to you. “Alex -- your brother -- he, uh, he knows.”

Willy blinks. “What? No he doesn’t, I didn’t tell him anything -- ”

You cover your face with your hands. “I called you once late at night and he picked up cause you were out. And uh -- well. He knew I was...not just a friend.”

Both the boys look confused and you sigh. Fuck. “I may or may not have said some really inappropriate things the moment he picked up, okay?”

Kappy bursts out laughing, and Willy’s eyes are wide. “I was horrified and I told him not to tell you. Can we just -- can we move on?” You say, praying for a sinkhole to open up below you to swallow you up so you wouldn’t have to deal with both of the guys laughing at you. “Yeah -- wait,” Kappy starts, pausing to laugh a little more, before continuing. “I’m happy for you, both of you. But holy shit, William, if you ever make me wait in a random person’s fucking bathroom “fake-peeing” while you make out with your girlfriend again, I’m going to undo your contract and send you back to Sweden myself.”

#william nylander imagine #william nylander imagines #willy nylander imagines #willy nylander imagine #hockey imagine #hockey imagines #nhl imagine #nhl imagines #toronto maple leafs imagine #my writing

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attickit · 5 years ago

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“Top 10″

Tagged by the very lovely @serenililly to do a top 10 KPop song list thingy and let me tell you I did not follow any guideline whatsoever. I take the title with an ocean of salt.

So this "list" is just me messing with myself more than anything. I usually rotate between Day6, BTS, FTIsland, N.Flying and Stray Kids in my phone so this is just giving me an excuse to find other songs that I've stuffed away in my private yt playlist and listen to them again. I've gone down a rabbit hole...

(if you say that you were cheating with choosing songs and having honourable mentions, I'm basically criminal. There's more than a good 50 songs mentioned in this "list". Put me in a jail cell...)

Be forewarned; I talk a lot, so, everything is under the cut.

TL;DR I shoved all the songs that I really like into one post depite being told it is a top 10 song list. (also I've given up tagging anyone in doing this cause idk who to tag *finger guns*)

Eric Nam - Runaway (Honourable mentions: Love Die Young [I know this one's an english song but god is it good])

First off, let's be real. This song was going to get on this list one way or another. I wrote a FLUFF FIC for JUNGKOOK with this song. It made me write fluff for a guy a I don't even necessarily care to have fluff with. It somehow wrecked me as a person and god does it scare me. It's a romance that I want with my entire heart and I wrote it for someone who isn't my bias in anyway. What can that tell you?

ok but the song is one that I go back to about every week. I can't get sick of it. And if you listen to it with the English version right after it, it becomes such a whiplash. Eric knows how to mess with me.

Day6 - 365247 & Emergency (Honourable mention: Deep in love, Hi Hello, Dance Dance, Shoot Me)

Look I try to keep it to one song per artist but the Entropy album was a fcking all kill for me. This album would be on number 1 if this was on a top ten album list instead. (If bts hadn't stolen my heart already at the time, Day6 would have been my ult of all time because these boys are hilarious.)

365247 is such a funky tune and I find myself seeking out this song everytime I'm feeling a little spunky. Feels like one of those sexual tension songs to me for some reason but I love it.

Emergency is a bit of a mess but like in the best way. Just the sounds of blaring sirens and heart monitors just, my god. The way the lyrics were paced to fill the theme in even more was so good. What can I say? Like, it was a really well done song. And I am head over heels for it. (also the fact there is a dance for this song is amusing)

FTIsland - Pray (Honourable mentions: Stay, Hello Hello, Falling Star, Memory, Take Me Now, Paper Plane)

*stares down the Japanese releases* Oh god I love those. It was hard to separate them from the Korean releases because the Japan releases were the ones that got me to FT and eventually, K-Pop in general. But then I also remember that there are songs that have a Korean version. As much as I am more familiar with the Japanese versions, the Korean versions are great too.

The reason why I chose Pray as the top song is I guess just the state that I was when it came out. Like, I felt it through my bones and it kind of never left. So whenever I listen to Pray, I have the visceral feeling that I need to scream at a god. I don't but it just relieves it by the end of the song. (also Rock that I can scream to when I actually want to)

Jonghyun - Before our Spring (Honourable mentions: Take the Dive)

Simply known as the song that broke me and put me back together. It's now the song that reminds me that there's more to live for. I don't think I can listen to this song without at least tearing up a little. I'm sorry Winter Angel and thank you.

N.Flying - The Real (Honourable mentions: Hot Potato, Rooftop, 4242)

THE REVIVAL of my darling boys. God how much I had missed them and the return being one of the stupidest mvs I know (not counting anything from norazo or Psy), it was so perfect. And then the follow up being Hot Potato, just N.Flying had such a great revival that really suited them as a group. I always go back to it whenever I need a smile.

Epik High - Born Hater (Honourable mentions: Lullaby for a Cat, People Scare Me)

This one is the only one with no real reason why I picked it. I just really like it and it had a lot of people contibuting to the song.

The Rose - Baby (Honourable metions: She's in the rain, Red)

Back to my band shennanigans (if you haven't noticed the list being almost half bands). The Rose holds a good place in my heart too. With a voice like Sammy boy's, it's had for me to not have them in the back of my head as I listen to songs on desktop.

AKMU - Time and Fallen Leaves (Honourable mentions: Melted, How People Move, Chocolady, Re-Bye)

I listened to this song A LOT when it came out in 2014. Back when I was still in secondary school going through my depressive teen phase (i'm joking, but am I tho). But really this song was what kept me going and not just find a easy route out. It kinda gave me sense of hope. Cause where else do you fall back when all your friends actually really hated you?

BTS (Well duh) - 소우주 (Mikrokosmos) (Honourable mentions: SPRING MF DAY, Magic Shop, Mono, Anything Jimin has put out solo-wise, Dionysus, DDaeng ect.)

(link goes to the live version of the mma performace in the bangtan bomb)

Every song since the WINGS era has gotten so strong and well done. And it keeps getting better It's been just so hard to figure out which song is the one I'd pick to listen to always.

I was just about to put Spring day as the top but I remembered Mikrokosmos. Idk what it is about Mikrokosmos but it's found a permanent place in my heart for songs that comfort me the most. It inches Spring day in the top spot of fave. I used to have a playlist with all my comfort songs in one but I accidentally deleted it and im too lazy to recompile it tho.

Honourable mentions (Songs out of my heavy rotation)

Orange caramel - Catallena Lim Kim - Rain, Goodbye 20, Awoo Heize - Jenga (ft. Gaeko), Don't Know You Bol4 - Bom, Galaxy IU - BEEP BEEP, Palette Zico, IU - Soulmate Block B - Yesterday, Toy Bastarz - Zero For Conduct, Make it Rain Vixx - Into the Void, The Closer, Shangri-La, Black Out TXT - Poppin Star, Run Away 10cm - Pet, Phonecert Stray Kids - Awkward Silence

And ok I'll stop. I have to stop.

#tags #notes about myself #i mean i guess #look i can give you multiple lists about multiple things #and in those lists i can tell you many things #sometimes i cant shut up

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spaceagetoon · 5 years ago

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Get to Know Me (Taken from @yougoghkiddo-blog)

1) What is your full Name?

September Blue Rose (Not pitting my last name, sorry)

2) What is your Nickname?

B, Blueberry, Blue’s Clues, Blooragarde, Blur

3) What is your Zodiac sign?

I’m a fucking Libra! (Party)

4) What is your favorite book series?

I don’t read a lot of traditional books but my favorite comic series is Fables by Bill Willingham!

5) Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

Both! Ghosts is just a personal belief and as for Aliens, it just seems statistically improbable that we’re alone!

6) Who is your favorite author?

I don’t have a definitive favorite but Roald Dahl is up there!

7) What is your favorite radio station?

Lofi/hip hop beats to Relax/Study to

8) What is your favorite flavor of anything?

Idk 😅

9) What word would you use often to describe something as great or wonderful?

“Rad” typically

10) What’s your current favorite song?

I’ve been really digging “HateF**k” by The Bravery and “Kids” by PUP

11) What’s your favorite word?

“Boy” is pretty good

12) What’s the last song you listened to?

Currently listening to “Wait a minute!” By WILLOW

13) What TV show would you recommend everyone to watch?

Bojack Horseman

14) What’s your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

Mulan, Heathers, or Scott Pilgrim. Pretty different I know 😅

15) Do you play video games?

I’m a true gamer 😎

16) What’s your biggest fear?

To be forgotten

17) What is your best quality, in your opinion?

I’ve got a pretty good taste in music

18) What is your worst quality, in your opinion?

I can be selfish and possessive, which I hate

19) Do you like cats or dogs better?

Both 🥺

20) What is your favorite season?

Late summer early fall

21) Are you in a relationship?

Not really?

22) What is something you miss from your childhood?

My innocence and sense of hope

23) Who is your best friend?

@crybabycrush and @/avocadoclo who doesn’t have a tumblr 😅

24) What is your eye color?

Blue!

25) What is your hair color?

Currently Blue and pink

26) Who is someone you love?

My sisters, my best friends, a few others

27) Who is someone you trust

Nobody a whole lot (yaaayyyyyy trauma!)

28) Who is someone you think about often?

@crybabycrush and Dan Avidan 🥰

29) Are your currently excited about/for something?

MTAC 2020 and cosplaying Shadow the Hedgehog!!!

30) What is your biggest obsession?

I was gonna make a joke but for real it’s Game Grumps/Ninja Sex Party

31) What was your favorite TV show as a child?

Bear in The Big Blue House, says so my mom.

32) Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

I’m non binary so uhhhhh

33) Are you superstitious?

34) Do you have any unusual phobias?

Ants, Tall Buildings/Statues, more that I’m forgetting at the moment

35) Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

In front. I’m an attention whore 😅

36) What is your favorite hobby?

Drawing!

37) What was the last book you read?

I fully don’t remember. I almost never read

38) What was the last movie you watched?

Garfield Gets Real LMAO

39) What musical instruments do you play, if any?

Sadly, none 😞

40) What is your favorite animal?

Birds, frogs, foxes

41) What are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs you follow?

In no particular order, @shittycryptids @shittythrifting @one-time-i-dreamt @simpscreens and @i-am-a-fish

42) What superpower do you wish you had?

Shapeshifting!!!

43) When and where do you feel most at peace?

Anytime I’m with @crybabycrush 🥰

44) What makes you smile?

Good music and nice art

45) What sports do you play, if any?

Lol nah

46) What is your favorite drink?

Any fruit juice!!!!

47) When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

I don’t think I ever have?

48) Are you afraid of heights?

Yep

49) What is your biggest pet peeve?

Whenever someone talks over somebody

50) Have you ever been to a concert?

Two!! First Ninja Sex Party and second P!nk!!

51) Are you a vegan/vegetarian?

I’m slowly working my way up to vegetarian

52) When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Either an astronaut or a chef

53) What fictional world would you want to live in?

Monster Prom!!!!

54) What is something you worry about?

What I’m going to do with my life

55) Are you scared of the dark?

56) Do you like to sing?

I LOVE to sing

57) Have you ever skipped school?

I was homeschooled my entire life so uhhhh

58) What is your favorite place on the planet?

Yet to find it

59) Where do you want to live?

New York or LA, maybe space.

60) Do you have any pets?

7 cats, 1 dog, and 1 chinchilla

61) Are you more of a early bird or a night owl?

Night owl for sure

62) Do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

Sunsets

63) Do you know how to drive?

I’m a virgin who can’t drive

64) Do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds

65) Have you ever had braces?

Nope!

66) What is your favorite genre of music?

God I have no idea

67) Who is your hero?

Dan Avidan and Arin Hanson

68) Do you read comic books?

Yeah!! Mainly Fables, Harley Quinn, and Gwenpool!!

69) (nice) What makes you the most angry?

People who think their better than everyone

70) Do you prefer to read on a electronic device or a real book?

Real comics, digital fan fic

71) What is your favorite subject in school?

Idk art history?

72) Do you have any siblings?

An older sister and a younger sister!

73) What was the last thing you bought?

Fishnets LMAO

74) How y’all are you?

5’1

75) Can you cook?

I can bake! Cook?? Eh kinda 😅

76) What are three things you love?

Music, Video Games, and conventions

77) What are three things you hate?

Cringe culture, my dad, and conventions

78) Do you have more female friends or more male friends?

I actually probably have more non binary friends

79) What is your sexual orientation?

Bisexual!

80) Where do you currently live?

A constant state of anxiety

81) Who was the last person you texted?

My brother in law

82) When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday?

83) Who is your favorite youtuber?

Forever Game Grumps, but currently Sorrow TV and SnapCube

84) Do you like to take selfies?

Occasionally

85) What is your favorite app?

Mario Kart Tour

86) What is your relationship with your parents like?

Mom, pretty good. Dad, not so much.

87) What is your favorite foreign accent?

A less posh British accent? (Sorry I don’t know all the areas😅) and French

88) What is a place you’ve never been to, but want to visit?

New York, France, And Japan

89) What is you favorite number?

69 ;)))))) I have no idea

90) Can you juggle?

Not very well

91) Are you religious?

Not very

92) Do you find outer space or the deep ocean more interesting?

Outer space. I’m terrified of the ocean.

93) Do you consider your self to be a daredevil?

I consider myself to be a dumbass

94) Are you allergic to anything?

Pumpkin and long haired cats

95) Can you curl your tongue?

Yep

96) Can you you wiggle your ears?

Nope

97) How often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

Not very

98) Do prefer the forest or the beach?

Neither?

99) What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

I honestly can’t think of anything

100) Are you a good liar?

LMAO NO

101) What is your hogwarts house?

Hufflepuff

102) Do you talk to yourself?

Uhhhhhh yeah

103) Are you an introvert or an Extrovert?

Introvert 100%

104) Do you keep a journal/diary?

Occasionally

105) Do you believe in second chances?

Sometimes too much

106) If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

Turn it into the police I guess?

107) Do you believe that people can change?

100%

108) Are you ticklish?

Yeah but I’m not gonna tell you where

109) Have you ever been on a plane?

Nope

110) Do you have any piercings?

Just my ears but I want more soon

111) What fictional character do you wish was real?

Damien Lavey or Julian Devorak 😩😩😩😩

112) Do you have any tattoos?

No but I want some REAL BAD

113) What is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?

Probably to start cosplaying. Even though I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to I wouldn’t know almost any of my friends if I never cosplayed

114) Do you believe in karma?

hell yeah

115) Do you wear glasses or contacts?

Not anymore! Thanks laser surgery!

116) Do you want to have children?

Really really bad

117) Who’s the smartest person you know?

Probably my mom

118) What is your most embarrassing memory?

I really don’t like thinking about that

119) Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

Multiple times

120) What color are most of your clothes?

Black 😅

121) Do you like adventures?

YES

122) Have you ever been on TV?

I’m like the only person in my family who hasn’t LMAO

123) How old are you?

18!

124) What is you favorite quote?

“Love Everyone, Forgive Everyone, Especially yourself.”

125) Do you prefer Sweet or Savory foods? (I ran out of room) Sweet!

#get to know me #me #text posts #long post

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