#I LIKE IT BUT I DONT LIKE IT

[velvserum]

When you’re not here

A/N: really old writing, probably better than my more recent ones but still not exactly good. i did like it for a period of time before though, so i figured i should post it- it kind of makes me cringe AKISMEKD so if there’s a warning for that here’s the warning 💀

originally this was supposed to be a scene in my fanfic but i ended up scrapping it since it deviated from the plot and didn’t fit the overall vibe

this is unfinished, but hopefully i’ll finish it someday and post on ao3

Summary: It’s attempt after attempt, Dazai can’t be bothered for any type of care after but a certain redhead is irritably persistent. Dazai might be a little too comfortable with this arrangement, but you didn’t hear that from him.

TW: disassociation, vague mentions of suicide attempt

—————————————————————————

-Cold.

He was more accustomed to that.

There's cold water that spites his skin, the icy drench searing down his back in quick bucket-fulls. As always, it borders on painful, frigid and unforgiving, brutally materializing against his flesh.

Dazai dreads showers a majority of the time, what with all the effort he has to exert even to a partial cleaning. Keeping his wobbly worn legs up as the fatigue pushes down his shoulders, having the dull light flicker while he navigates through automated motions, disconnected with his body even as he peers down at it. He's immobile, in those few moments. His skin being free of bandages, prickle with goosebumps, all seizing him in a frozen lake. The pressure and temperature is harsh, as are most things in his life. The water is so frosted against his body that sometimes he forgets to breathe while violently submerging his head via bucket until he’s gasping for air he hadn’t allowed himself the luxury of earlier.

Dazai thought it only fair for him to match his exteriors with his internal blemishes. Cold and impersonal. What does it matter if it’s unconventional? His existence was unconventional.

…

Warm.

In current time, Dazai can only vaguely make out the few complaints from Chuuya in the background, the first thing he hears after hours being the blocked out voices of 'why the fuck is your water so cold', 'jesus fucking christ how do you live like this-' ‘you’re not a masochist? i’d be shocked. ‘place is goddamn mental,’ and so on, but Dazai's more encapsulated with the feeling of warm water swirling in waves against his body. For once, he can breathe, it's so comfortable that his own body melts, unwinding hours and hours of strain.

Warm. It's warm.

And where Chuuya’s voice is violent and difficult, gets made up by how deceivingly gentle his hands are, pressing a damp towel cautiously across dazais scars that he has yet to witness until now. Hesitant. Unsteady. As if it held the possibility of becoming too rough- even though most were long by now healed. It was foreign to Dazai, to have touch directed at him that cradled instead of scorning.

‘Comical’, is what it really is.

Dazai has never been this kind to himself. He doesn’t think he could be. Never bothered with the pressure, as long as it got done. Never let the air around him feel like it was something he could breathe in. Never gingerly ran a towel over, making sure it was fine.

Yet, here Chuuya was. The biggest brute he's ever seen, being soft.

And.. to Dazai of all things.

His legs lay limply stretched out in the tub while his body remains as sluggish as his mind. The rest of the bandages were either discarded into a bin or scattered in hefty waters that ripple under the moonlight's cast, leaving him bare for all he is.

Dazai squints, discerning through fog- the feel of his bare skin against someone else's, the dust particles floating around, the way the water sways leisurely, the damp hair that’s matted on his face and his surroundings that oddly feel less empty.

He couldn’t recall this place ever feeling this bright either. It surges with a new light that he could only ever describe as Chuuya himself, everywhere that brat goes fires up and leaves a flame in its wake. Even his own dreary apartment is somehow less repulsive, replacing the nauseous green with a midnight blue hue and-– was it always like that? He’s taken his fair trade of late showers well into the night but the moon's beams have never fought its way through the window in such a noticeable mirage.

The scene is quiet, with Dazai zoning in and out of his head while Chuuya’s muted mutters flow out unfiltered.

The redhead’s ungloved hand presses onto his shoulders, the remains of soap wiping away the icked feeling of an unclean ocean. Soothing, grounding, safe. They’re firm, so much so that maybe just slightly, the backlash he’s gotten from gasping for oxygen he couldn’t obtain, quiets. Winding down into a shaky, yet copeable feeling.

Dazai blinks away the rest of the blurriness, coming back to reality when Chuuya’s hand kneads into his hair.

Oh, he’s talking.

“—Fuckin’ ass, do you even use your heater because the last time I took a shower here I got dunked in your shitty-”

“—Nawh.” Dazai finally replies.

Chuuya’s face switches with surprise, his movements halting the slightest bit before he’s back to glaring.

“Well you should more often, seriously, even my fridge isn’t that goddamn cold.”

“Mm.” He leans back against cold ceramic, “Chuuya’s trying to blame me for his deficient fridge?”

Chuuya huffs, making a more forceful tug on his hair while still managing to keep it from hurting Dazai. ‘Cause he’s weirdly compassionate ‘n crappy like that.

“You’re deficient,” He growls.

Yeah.

“Y—”

“—But you don’t deserve any of that bullshit.” Chuuya cuts in, massaging the back of Dazai’s head but keeps his thumbs near his temples. “A kick, though? You’d deserve that.” He mutters.

Dazai huffs a laugh, unhumorous.

Chuuya’s not ‘nice’ in any sense.

He’s brash, and harsh, and his face and his words are thickened with repulsion.

Even right now, he’s swatting insults at Dazai nonstop, acting like they’re heathens bickering down a mall instead of being in the aftermath of an attempt. Chuuya, whereas others would think to apply comfort in their voice, feigning a sweet lulling tone, decides to maintain his ridiculic slander.

And everyday, without hesitation, Chuuya slaps a snarl at the start of every conversation and barbarically forces Dazai out of his comfort zone— out of his goddamn mind.

“Chibi’s so mean.”

“As deserved.” Chuuya repeats, and pushes Dazai’s bangs back.

The water swivels, making small sounds that resemble the ones on the beach.

—But still. Chuuya’s not treating him like glass- like he’s suddenly stopped being himself after the attempt. As if he’s not just some washed up anomaly sitting where he didn’t belong—

“..You won’t ask?” Dazai mumbles after a moment.

There’s a small period of time where Chuuya goes quiet, hands still ruffling through Dazai’s hair. His eyebrows furrow in thought, lost in what to say.

“You wanna talk?”

“I don’t know,”

“Hm,” Chuuya hums in response, before adding, “Close your eyes.”

Dazai does. A trickle of water is poured.

“It was colder,” He numbly recites, after a while, and ends there.

Colder might be an over exaggeration, he realizes.

It’s not that much different from any other time he’s attempted. It’s not any different than the life he’s lived.

‘Colder’ however might be snow freshly fallen on newly woken skin, colder might be frozen ice cubes and red palms, colder might be a night walk out, colder might be badly chosen attire on a dead winter day.

Or colder could be the blood pumping through his veins, that never seem to provide him any sort of warmth other than basic bodily function.

“Wow, really? No shit, sherlock.”

“—What? You wanted to know.”

“I asked if you wanted to talk. But this? Get your shit off the table, Dazai. Way off the table.”

God.

Dazai rolls his eyes, irritation flickering at the back of his head. “Don’t you think you’re asking for too much?”

“I think you owe it to me,” He mumbles back.

“That would be the case, if you gave useful feedback in the first place,”

Right. Maybe he just misconstrued Chuuya’s insults as passive when they were actually tired and annoyed. Chuuya’s compassion isn’t eternal and as far as Dazai knows, luck does not play well into his whims.

He shouldn’t have expected Chuuya to be all that into him after this anyways. Just as rightfully so, he supposes. And there is an eventual end to everything, though unfortunately he was already too deep into Chuuya’s nonsensical juvenile dog schedule after the past few months, but the bombs finally dropped. He can finally go back to—

“Well then say something useful first for once,” Chuuya huffs.

His hands are firm, yet smooth as they scrub into his scalp. Dazai can recognize a low grumble of frustration and exasperation in his voice.

“You don’t have to fuckin’ pour your heart out, or..any shit— but all that cryptic crap? Don’t do that. You’re in your own head, okay? I can see the gears in your head working and it’s late and I don’t have 5 hours to deconstruct it all. Just speak to me.”

…

His eyebrows furrow.

Chuuya’s pushy. Like hell.

But it doesn’t take acting nice to be kind.

He looks at him bitterly despite that.

“You already know what I’m thinking though,”

Not that he’s at all comfortable with the idea.

“It’s nicer to be listened to than to be told.” Chuuya asserts.

Dazai doesn’t know what to say to that, so, he settles with: “You tell me off everyday.”

“Consider this a one time offer.”

He frowns. “I don’t accept offers from little boy scouts,”

“Are you always this damn insufferable?”

“Are mutts always this high maintenance?”

“As if you don’t spoil your own fucking cat.”

“Mind you, that is my baby,” Dazai argues, then continues, uninterested. “Chuuya just wishes he had the likeability of a feline when all he retains is the image of a pathetic, ill-mannered, invasive pooch.”

“God, would it kill you to not be such an ass for once? What, you have brain damage all of a sudden? Is that it?”

Dazai’s forehead feels like static.

“We’re on the topic of damage now? Great, we can finally discuss yours—”

“Are you really that goddamn desperate that you’ll go there?.

“Then what?” Dazai clicks, “ Do you really think ‘talking it out’ is going to ‘fix’ anything? Are you that naive, Chuuya?”

He doesn’t know what happens in those few moments,

Chuuya’s entire face drops from being stoic to him snorting, a signature grin on his face. The kind someone makes when they have a victory but off. Tired, but relieved. It irks and prickles Dazai, until Chuuya speaks up again—

“It’s working for your dumb ass right now, isn’t it?”

What?

“You talk, and then I don’t have to see that dead fish look in your eyes.”

Dazai’s face contorts.

And Chuuya’s eye’s are drilling into his skin.

Another crack, another slip, another barrier being torn down ruthlessly by the redheads' rough, molding hands.

It hasn’t occurred to him that the lone act of their quarreling was beginning to serve as a replacement for the chaos that resides rampant at his mind and core.

It’s unsettling.

It’s refreshing.

It’s….

“Besides, I’m not expecting a miracle, but if you’re as critical in your own head like you are with movies,” Chuuya bumps Dazai’s forehead with a knuckle, “Then get the fuck out of there.”

…it’s. Too. Much work.

If this was anyone else, Dazai would deny that statement.

If this was anyone else, Dazai would’ve gone home alone.

But fortunately for Chuuya, he’s too mentally plucked to forlong any roundabout way of disarming the subject.

(And yes, he’s going to ignore the way he’s been having a harder time even doing that recently. Just. Around Chuuya.)

Dazai huddles himself in the waters, eyes traveling to the rims of the tub.

How bad can it be?

Pretty bad.

Nothing’s worse than seeing a man literally drown in their sorrows, though.

Dazai sighs.

“It’s cold,” He reinstates.

Chuuya raises a brow.

He won’t stop there this time.

This is going somewhere. But hell if he knows to what point it’ll end up in.

He continues, akin to a child. A small, pouting child.

“Humans thrive in the warmth and decay in the cold, we experience hypothermia and then it’s the cruelest thing in nature. You know what happens? It tricks your body into thinking it’s warm when it’s freezing. Changes your breathing pattern. Messes you up. Some things just shouldn’t be part of human nature. Some things just shouldn’t exist.”

“Some things exist because they need to,” The bucket, with a huff, again gets kicked under the facet to build up water, “And sometimes they just do. It’s natural order. And you’re better for it, because you learned. You know better now.”

Dazai’s features adorn in a dour laugh, “I didn’t know Chuuya was so pro-hypothermia,”

The redhead's face immediately turns sour, resembling more casual nights before this one. Chuuya will always be Chuuya, easy to aggravate and even easier to taunt. Of course, usually, in dazai’s case, those two go hand in hand.

“Bad example.” Chuuya’s nose scrunches, “Just, shut up- you make everything so black and white, so fuck me I guess for trying to find the good,”

The good?

“The good?” Dazai reiterates, “It’s hypothermia,”

“It’s you,”

Ugh. Just, Ugh.

“....You have no tact to save your life,” Dazai groans, “I don’t need you to lie to make me feel ‘good’.”

“Hah? The last thing I ever want is to end up flattering you,” Chuuya huffs “I’m just saying, plain and simple.”

As the redhead continues, he meets Dazai’s gaze head on, “Stop comparing yourself to hypothermia, it’s ridiculous. You don’t freeze people over but you are fucking freezing. You want a real reason for that? Because it’s definitely not because of some messed up logic about how you’re born that way- it’s because you go to stupid beaches to get stupid frozen in stupid water that’s racked in stupid cold weather.”

Dazai frowns.

“For someone offering me free range to speak, you sure are critical.”

“And you’re still talking in analogies, you want me to read you like a book? I’ll treat you like a damn book.”

[twinliches]

(grabs you by the shoulders) you have to make room for new experiences in your life. you have to go through the unpleasant work of leaving your comfort zone, even if just for a few minutes at a time. because if you don't, your brain will trick you into stagnation. you will start to believe that the world can barely fit you in it. but that's not true. it's the opposite way around. you can fit the whole word inside of you. your task is only this: to welcome it with open arms

[girldraki]

[malwarechips]

yknow i never noticed the sheer rareness of images having ids or alt text on this website until i started adding alt text to my art (and trying to remember to add it to any images i post in general, especially text screenshots) and that makes me kinda sad

[alleesaur]

casual blue crab miku doodle

[kochei0]

I turn to Ares.

Thanks to Tyler Miles Lockett who allowed me to draw inspiration from his ARES piece for page 2! Look at his etsy page it's SICK

⚔️ If you want to read some queer retelling of arturian legends have a look at my webtoon

[oncorhynchus-nerka]

VERY IMPORTANT a dam in the Netherlands, the weerdsluis lock, is directly on a migratory path for spawning fish. They have a worker stationed there to open the door for the fish, but they can take a while to open it. So to keep the fish from getting preyed on by birds they installed a doorbell. Only, the fish don't have hands to ring the doorbell. If you go to their website, they have a LIVE CAMERA AND A DOORBELL that YOU RING FOR THE FISH when they're waiting, and then the dam worker opens the door for them! I can't express how obsessed I am with this. look at this shit. oh my god.

Please check on the fish doorbell once in a while :)

[agoodflyting]

David Tennant pissing off the Prime Minister bc he told government officials to stfu over their anti-trans bigotry and Michael Sheen literally poisoning himself investigating corporations dumping toxic chemicals in underprivileged areas is NOT the energy I expected from 2024 but oh man am I here for it.

[blueskittlesart]

read that post blacked out and woke up with this on my computer. crazy. stay safe out there everyone

[aphel1on]

nothinggg better than torturing an emotionally repressed character until every single trauma they've ever refused to process starts spilling uncontrollably out of the cracks. like a matryoshka doll situation of repressed trauma and baby you better believe i'm going in there with a hammer

[keithbutgay]

hi!

um

yeah

notes goal post

because i really need motivation

(i stole some of these but shhhhh)

if this post gets 50 notes i'll drink water right now

100 i'll go to bed at midnight for the rest of the week

200 i'll actually do my laundry

500 i'll take a shower every day for the rest of the week

1,000 i'll brush my teeth every night for a full week

2,000 i'll stop binding for an unhealthy amount of time for a full week

3,000 i'll start actually wearing my ankle braces consistently

4,000 i'll eat breakfast every day for the rest of the week

5,000 i'll stop binding while sleeping

6,000 i'll stop wearing earrings i'm allergic to for a full week

7,000 i'll start doing makeup again

8,000 i'll stop eating chocolate for the rest of the week

9,000 i'll make my autodale masks

10,000 i'll touch grass every day for the rest of the month

11,000 i'll water my plants twice a week for the rest of the month

12,000 i'll put on my lotion when i need to for a full week

13,000 i'll eat at least two meals every day for the rest of the week

14,000 i'll finish my water bottle every day for a full week

15,000 i'll write more for forest files

18,000 i'll clean out my backpack

19,000 i'll take my vitamins every day for the rest of the week

20,000 i'll finish my stained glass project

21,000 i'll go to bed before midnight for the rest of the week

22,000 i'll do my summer reading

23,000 i'll move the knife out of my room

24,000 i'll eat three meals every day for three days

25,000 i'll stop purposefully triggering myself for a full week

50,000 i'll try my best to stay clean for two full weeks

i'll probably add more goals if this somehow get past 5k, but there it is for now :)

spam allowed

tagging allowed

ummm the deadline is halloween

*thumbs up*

go for it

[a-drama-addict]

not caring too much about a fandom’s favourite guy is the worst. you’ll think “oh i’ll look into the tag see if anything new and cool’s there” and it’s just that fucking guy again

[starrysharks]

ghanaian miku

[inbabylontheywept]

i did wrestling in middle school. on one hand, i was actually quite good at it, which was nice. being good at any sport was a new achievement for me. on the other hand, i was bi, and i was trying very hard not to notice that i was bi, and getting folded into knots by very kind, very muscular dorks made that task somewhat difficult.

adding fire to the problem was that my parents and my grandparents wanted to watch my matches, because they were very proud that their Gangly Nerd Son was actually Sporting, and they wanted to cheer me on. which would've been sweet and all, but if there are four people you do not want there during a key part of your Burgeoning Sexual Awakening, it is your mom and your dad and your grandma and your grandpa.

right? i mean, imagine some guy's got your head in his armpit, and you're going you know, old sweat smells bad, but fresh sweat has a sort of and then you make eye contact with your grandpa in the stands and you remember you're swearing spandex so if you pop a boner people aren't just going to be able to see the outline, they're going to be able to count the veins, and the only way you will be able to restore your family's honor after that would be by moving to siberia and renouncing joy, forever. that, or lift your entire body up by your kneck then twist 180 degrees without paralyzing yourself.

it’s a lot of pressure, is what i’m saying.

still it did motivate me to win my matches really fast. because i was so tall and skinny, i was stupidly good at the double leg takedown, and then once someone was knocked down, i'd just do the half nelson and kind of flip em over for the pin. then the ref would count to three and i’d win. EZPZ.

i had one match where that went great. won in the first ten seconds, sat back down, and prepared myself for a good hour or two of doing fuck all. didn't even feel bad the parents/grandparents were gonna be bored. the matches went up from me in 5 pound increments (i was in the 115 lbs division) and it was going great until we got to the 145 lbs division. the other school's wrestler stepped onto the mat, and she turned out to be a girl so our guy flipped, because for straight guys, wrestling a girl is not a pleasant experience.

i'm not entirely unsympathetic. my experience wrestling dudes was definitely a little traumatic. but also, i dealt. guy could've dealt too. instead, he refused to wrestle, and the coach went - fine. not even worth fighting over.

so he went to the 140 pounder, and that guy said, nosir, my mom said mormons can't wrestle girls. next guy down, 135 pounder, now he knew he could pull the same card and thus did. 130 pounder, 125, both tapped out. he got to the 120 guy, and that guy was catholic, but he said he was considering being mormon, and thus would have to pass. as a precaution.

coach blew up a little at that. he said "is there anyone - anyone - on this entire goddamn team that is willing to wrestle a girl?" and then he pointed at me and said "YOU. MAT. GO."

and i'll be real, if i'd been paying more attention, i'd have pulled the mormon card too, but i'd just been putting all that audio into a buffer file because i was reading, so i was halfway across the mat before i even processed what had been said and by then it was too late to turn back.

still i had a plan. and my plan - my beautiful, perfect plan - was to do what i'd always done. tackle, flip, pin, win. sit down. read. bore my family to death. move on.

i got the first part right. she was bigger than me, but she wasn't taller. just an incredibly stout woman. god built me like a snake with glasses, just as he built her like a combat cube. the problem was the half nelson. soon as she was down, i tried hooking my arm under hers from behind and for both genders, the defense for this move is just clamping your arms really fucking tight against your sides. if you're a guy, that's whatever, but if you're a girl - especially if you're god's chosen combat cube - that pins your opponents hand right against your boob.

so, i got the hook in, she clamped, my whole arm pressed against something soft, my coach was yelling THE HALF NELSON. BABYLON! JUST FINISH IT! FINISH THE HALF NELSON! and i was just trying to press hard enough to finish, when then my brain went

...oh.

and i flipped out. of course i flipped out. i like girls, and touching a boob is an elemental experience, and i was not ready. i was not prepared. i had not committed the sacred rites. i recoiled like i'd just brushed my arm against the surface of the sun, stood up, and backed away. nobody in the room knew why i'd given up. all they saw was me, right about to win, suddenly flailing around and scrambling. so everyone started screaming at me to just get the half nelson again, and i couldn't really yell back there's a fuckin' boob in the way and it was very distressing, and the only way i could think of to make them stop was just doing it over again the right way.

so i did.

i hunkered down and prepared myself for Wrasslin' Attempt #2: The Sequel.

i knocked her down again, EZPZ. i went for the half nelson again, but she knew what i was about to do so she super clamped, and i knew she was gonna super clamp, so i wound my arm back like a pop-eye cartoon punch before swinging my arm through the gap between her bicep and her side, but the amount of time i spent winding back super signalled what i was about to to do, which gave her time to clamp even harder, which somehow redirected the entire force of the popeye punch to the bottom of her bra.

it spat out a single boob the same way an action hero might spit out one single tooth after getting a solid crack across the jaw. as if to say:

*ptooie.* "that all you got?"

i did not actually see this. my experience was that first there was an arm, then there was a bit of boob, but i was braced, i was ready, forward at all costs, tatakae motherfuckers, and then the boob went away, and i didn't know where it went but my team, and the audience, and everyone who was in front of me, they all gasped like i just kicked them in the stomach. except for my coach. he was behind me, and thus one of the four people in the room who did not see the boob. now my mom, my dad, my grandma, and my grandpa, they all got flashed but nooooooo, coach thunderbutt was behind me, and he didn't see shit so he was still yelling NOOOOOO BABYLON WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST FINISH THE NELSON! GO FOR THE KILL! BABYLON! BABYLON!

but i did not go for the kill. i stood up and she stuffed her boob back real fast, and we just kind of circled each other awkwardly until time ran out and i won on points. that's not technically allowed, but the ref had some mercy on me.

my coach did not.

i barely had time to sit down before he strode over to the bench to chew me out.

"babylon," he said, in that very calm way people get when they're too pissed to yell. "why didn't you pin?"

and i didn't know how to say well coach, i tried, but there was a boob, and it kept getting in the way, and my mom was watching, and so was my dad, and so was his dad, and his mom, and god (like bible god) and that's a can of worms because i'm pretty sure he was already mad at me, and i'm wearing spandex, and i think i might have to move to siberia, so instead i said

"i uh. i forgot how to do the half nelson."

which is actually impossible. forgetting how to do the half nelson is like forgetting how to swallow your spit.

and he looked at me, like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked through him like i'd just survived my 250th day in a trench at verdun, and he said: fine.

fine.

but we're all going to practice it for an hour tomorrow because you forgot.

and then he left.

and my buddies had the gall to be salty about it. i got so many comments saying "dude, why didn't you just tell him the truth?" and i said "you can if you care so damn much. you could've wrestled the girl too. maybe someone else should do the hard thing today."

but they didn't. so the next day, we did an hour of half nelson drills, and i spent a decent amount of time getting thrown around the mat, and it was pleasant in exactly the way that i hated and the year after that, to the surprise of everyone but myself, i quit wrestling and joined the trivia team.

and if you want more reasons to love my mom, my grandpa joked after the match that i might have to talk to my bishop about it, and my mom told him he would be allowed to make jokes after he stood in front of a crowd of 110 people in spandex underpants while wrestling a woman that was not his wife.

he paused for almost five seconds after that. then he said: aw. hell. sorry babylon.

and i'd have preferred my apology from god, but getting it from him was pretty good too.

[cowboysmp3]

there’s something sooo sickening about how dunmeshis whole energy is like sometimes something terrible and awful happens to you and it changes you forever and nothing can make you the person you were before but there’s still love and there’s still sharing a meal together and there’s still living