#I Hope that maybe a gluten free diet will help

[sopranoentravesti]

Constantly fighting against deconditioning and trying to slow the osteopenia/ prevent osteoporosis is so frustrating and unrewarding when no matter what I do to build strength and endurance it’s like “walk 100 feet —> need to sit from being winded walk another 50 feet—> need to sit because winded” ad nauseum (literally).

Like I’m sure it would be worse if I stopped, and like, I’m doing better than I was before I got crutches/ my Rollator but my endurance is eroding and I just wish I could build myself up and see results from exercise / set and meet sustainable goals.

[foldingfittedsheets]

Hey! If you don't mind sharing, I'd be interested to hear more about your chronic illness diagnosis journey (I also get that it can be a private thing!).

I've been struggling for the last 5 or so years with chronic fatigue, muscle weakness, muscle pain and brain fog, and my doctors have checked a bunch of different things. EBV, thyroid, vitamin D, "are you sure you're not just depressed" and they've now gone for ME/CFS. A part of that just doesn't feel right to me because I feel like they should have done more tests or walked me through alternatives before settling! Especially because it fluctuates so much. Sometimes I can't leave the house, sometimes I have to borrow a wheelchair if I'm in a shop, sometimes I can walk 5000 steps??

Love and support for you and your gluten free adventure - potatoes, rice and polenta tend to be pretty good for me when I want something bready! (Doesn't quite hit the spot as well as buttered toast does though...)

My decline was really painfully gradual. I didn’t realize why things were getting so much harder. It manifested first with friction between my beloved because they were frustrated I was always too tired to run little errands myself. I went to the doctor and talked about my fatigue but was assured I was fine. I went on Chinese herbs and they buoyed up my reserves so I could keep functioning.

That went on for months, just getting more and more tired. I’d wake up sobbing because I wasn’t any more rested than I’d gone to bed. I went to a new doctor at that point. I got diagnosed with anemia until my blood work came back normal and then I was told I was fine.

Then I started fainting. My hair was falling out. I went to a different doctor. She ran my blood. I got told I was fine, but that maybe I had a food allergy. She slapped me with a full elimination diet that broke my spirit. I did feel some minor improvement but I wasn’t healthy by any means.

Finally, my good friend who is a doctor said that’s enough. She was in a different state but she was furious that I wasn’t getting any help. She ran my blood on a bunch of different ailment tests that were less well known. She tested for antibodies to EBV. If you have over 20 they consider you to have an active infection.

I had over 700 which is when they stop bothering to count.

I was so chock full of virus I was pound for pound virus by that point.

Then came the hard part. Knowing you’re bursting at the seams with a virus doesn’t make it easy to treat. The virus was living in me, in my cells. Too much of the medication and my body would start siccing it’s defenses against its own tissue.

I went on a bonanza of supplements. There was syrups to boost energy, pills to increase my immune system, antivirals, iron and vitamin D because those were kinda low. It was a three times a day regime of medicines.

My initial dose of antiviral was too high. I experienced a pain unlike what any mortal should bear as a result, dropping to the ground to writhe in agony when it hit. My dosage got lowered and my progress crept along.

I started school sometime in there and barely kept my head afloat above coursework. My stress load from school correlated to how much energy I had and I longed to finish my degree and just prioritize feeling better.

Then things got worse. My original doctor friend let her prescription rights for my state lapse, it didn’t make financial sense to keep them. A different friend from yet another state wrote my antivirals for a while but eventually I needed a new doctor.

I found another, this time a naturopathic doctor like my friends, hoping I’d keep receiving good care in that scope of practice. I didn’t. I had the most painful blood draw of my life in her office, writhing in agony, then didn’t hear back from her. I got ghosted by my doctor. When I pestered her for results she wrote me a script for antivirals but that was all.

I’d find out about eight months later when my health was declining and my friends demanded to see my blood work that my iron had been dangerously low but she hadn’t bothered to tell me. I got on iron supplements and staggered along.

Through precision time management I could budget my functional time into schoolwork then collapse to recuperate. It was working, but barely.

When my scrip on antivirals ran out I hunted once again for a doctor. This time I’d realized that any good care I’d gotten was when I’d made a personal connection with the doctor, a rare privilege not many people got. So I sought out a friend of a friend, someone I’d seen on occasion in the doctory social circle.

I have never been more happy with a doctor. She tested my viral numbers and pronounced herself satisfied that it was in check but was suspicious that although my thyroid numbers always looked normal that something was going on there. She ran more tests and lo. A thyroid imbalance.

Around that time I’d sunk into needing the chair. I stopped functioning, it was almost as bad as my first collapse. And yet again the fun part of getting my thyroid in balance was a delicate balance of making sure I wasn’t taking too much and hurting myself.

That balancing act took about a year to stabilize. I was still so weak from years of fatigue and inactivity. An able bodied person cannot imagine how hard it is to build up from ground zero on all your muscles. And the worst part was any time I felt tired I was terrified I was going to slip back down into the depths of exhaustion.

Then my beloved and I got Wyvern the puppy. And before we realized we had both somehow developed allergies to dogs and had to break our hearts giving him up, he saved me the last time.

Potty training meant I had to get up every two hours to take him out. I didn’t have to walk far but I had to do it consistently. Every single day I’d go to bed aching in every muscle, terrified to wake up. But every day I woke up with energy and was able to do it again.

It was like puppy boot camp, and I was able to go longer and farther every walk. By the time we realized we couldn’t keep him I was mobile again, I hadn’t needed my chair at all. When we said goodbye to him I promised I wouldn’t lose the progress he helped me make.

Now I finally, for the first time in six years, feel healthy again. I can go on long walks, I can run little errands for my beloved, I can fill my days with activity and wake up to do it again the next day. It’s the most amazing thing.

I hope you can stumble upon a doctor who can listen to you and help you. I know how hard things can get, but sometimes they can get better.

[soobadnoonecanstopher]

Lori, I know this is completely off topic, but how to live with stomach issues 😫 I kinda have ibd and this month my freaking uterus and ibd decided to team up and make my life miserable. I’m taking meds rn but I guess stress and anxiety is making it no better. I work at a restaurant and sometimes it can be hella exhausting. Told my boss and manager I’m gonna take a week off to rest. It’s been two weeks since the flare. I’m crying everyday and feel so helpless.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

IBD when it’s flaring can be so incredibly difficult. I’m not sure which type you have and it’s an umbrella term with several conditions under it, some with more serious life impacting prognoses, but whichever you have its debilitating. And IBD is also classified as a disability in the US. That’s how hard it is to live with. So about 7 years ago I was diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases— and lets face it, i have one body and one immune system so basically i have an autoimmune disease that has manifested itself in two different systems/organs of my body. One of them is an IBD called lymphocytic colitis and it’s so easy for someone to be like ‘oh just avoid too much stress…’ like what? How? I have anxiety! But the flares don’t last forever. Learn about your triggers and avoid them, experiment with food elimination if it helps. I found that following a keto diet for about 4 months will put me into remission for maybe 5-6 months at a time. I’m not saying it works for you. You might need low FODMAP or gluten free, or hell maybe nothing you eat matters because everything sucks when you’re flaring. But please hang in there! I hope it gets better and absolutely make sure you do two things. 1. Get documentation from your doctor that shows that you have IBD for protecting yourself from workplace discrimination and 2. Get a bidet. I am serious. They sell some that for like $30 and are super easy to install — get a bidet if you don’t already have one.

[clorofolle]

Longish rant about gluten free restaurants and the way they handle contamination under the cut!

Today I went to a pizza restaurant that offers gluten free options. I ask if there's a separate menu I can choose from, get told that nah, but also it's up to my discretion, depending on how much I react to contamination, to choose wisely. He gives me a short list of very bland/simple pizzas and says those are guaranteed contamination-free, while every other topping gets made in block but I can put them on the gluten free pizza base.

I'm blown away - it's hard to find people in food service 1) knowledgeable enough about contamination to understand that different people might take a different approach to them, and 2) honest enough to tell you how their process works!

I don't show symptoms/don't feel sick from a little contamination, and do blood work yearly to make sure I'm not accidentally ingesting too much gluten, and I've been 100% clean n good since I was a kid. I have an Extremely rigid gluten free diet at home, precisely so I can account for a little bit of contamination the few times I eat out. I never eat things with wheat in them of course, but I also can afford not to care if there's been indirect contamination in tools, kitchenware, frying oil etc. I know this because I've been celiac since I was a kid and know how I work by now.

So when I place my order and another guy comes out and tells that No, Actually I can only choose from those three bland pizzas, they have a responsibility, they cannot put toppings that they can't assure are not contaminated in the slightest, even if I take full responsibility, that's really disappointing!! Like I'm not gonna give the restaurant shit for it, it's good that they care about this stuff, and the guy was absolutely just doing his job.

But also - it very much feels like them trying to tell me how *my* health thing works. I wonder what kind of weird system they have in place - I suppose there's gotta be some legal reason for them to be soo strict about this, maybe they can legally be sued if they served that pizza as "gluten free"?

The best way I've seen a restaurant handle this, was saying that they offer burgers "with gluten free bread". So they can't say it's "gluten free burgers", and most sensitive individuals can avoid that place. But also, the other ingredients don't CONTAIN any gluten, per se, it's a way to say "there COULD be some contamination", and it's really smart, imo.

Fun thing is - pizza restaurant I went in didn't even have a second oven just for the gluten free stuff. I can tell bc my pizza had the classical "circular aluminium container" shape. And AFAIK, that's another actual red flag for very sensitive individuals, because Neapolitan style ovens are not usually kept too much clean, and there's like flour all around inside them (if your pizza gets a burnt bottom, it's probably bc of a dirty oven). So like uhh? You only have one oven? And you couldn't put a non-fried vegetable and cheese on my pizza?

Anyways I hope they find some legal loophole to get ppl like me more yummy pizzas. Because I actually LOVE when places are upfront about possible contaminations - it helps me keep count. I've definitely had places that claimed to be "gluten free" and then what I received had me doubt they even knew what that meant. A good compromise CAN be reached.

[inorganicpixie]

This weeks diet I’m hoping to go pretty hard.

Actually going to liquid fast until Tuesday. Tea, black coffee, celsius energy drink, electrolytes water packet, a fiber drink, 1 cup of almond milk for the day and maybe some vegan beef broth is all I’m having. I mean really that’s plenty of options tbh!

With all the calories and food I consumed this weekend I’m pretty sure I need a full day to get the binge weight down to something more reasonable to work with. Then Tuesday I’m doing liquid protein shake meals only. One shake per meal, each shake isn’t more than 200 cals. Wednesday I’m going to move into smoothies and protein shakes. Each meal not more than 250 cals. Thursday I can have blended/puréed soup, smoothies and protein shakes. Total for the day can’t go more than 750 cals. Friday I can have a fresh salad, fresh fruit, blended/puréed soup, smoothies, protein shakes and/or applesauce cloud cake.

Sometimes I think about recovering slightly or going 0rthor3xic and just not eating anything ultra processed. Doing only Whole Foods mostly plant based or vegetarian type of foods (gluten free though cause of sensitivity) and eating only portion sizes of things. Honestly it might be the approach I take when I move in with my partner this summer. At least then I could “get away” with avoiding certain foods and being in a deficit without raising to many flags on barely eating during the week days.

If I do go this route I will probably have to start a month or two before I move. So that I can adjust and others around me will be more aware of my diet choices.

I think I’m going to have some ginger and peppermint tea tonight before bed and going to lay with my heating pad on my stomach for awhile before bed. Those things seem to help with the post binge morning bloat a decent amount.

[hollandorks]

helllllooo i've been gluten free because i'm intolerant at the very least and currently in the middle of getting tested for celiac disease. I'm here to bestow some ✨️knowledge✨️

testing -

So, I've know I am gluten intolerant since I was at least in my teens. I had a family practitioner tell me I'm intolerant because I have bad eczema (comorbid with celiac) and basically told me to lay off the gluten. I went GF in 2020 and didn't go back.

recently, i went into my gastroenterologist to complain of heartburn and was trying to get on prilosec rx so i could have insurance cover it. I mentioned I am GF and I mentioned some comorbidities and they scheduled me for a celiac blood test and a upper endoscopy.

you can mention it to your doctor. at the very least, you can ask for the celiac blood test. they'll probably want a metabolic panel anyway if you are visiting the gastroenterologist for the first time. you don't want to stop eating gluten until after the blood test is done because it picks up the antibodies caused by the reaction to gluten (i had to eat gluten again for a month before my test) if there is no gluten in your system, it'll skew the test. If you aren't concerned about celiac testing, then you can go gluten free and see if it helps you out! I was going to try out GF for a month but i ended up feeling so much better after a couple of weeks i just stopped eating gluten lol

GF diet -

There are GF alternatives for pretty much everything so when you decide to quit, there is Udi's brand for most breads. you'll find those in the frozen food aisle near the garlic bread. Udi's is what most restaurants stock too if they have GF options.

For pasta, there is Barilla. Barilla is my fave brand for GF pasta. Texturally, pasta was the hardest to find a substitute for but Barilla is the closest. The only drawback is it doesn't reheat very well. Pho noodles (the skinny glass ones) are made out of rice and are naturally GF as well.

Bob's Red Mill and Pillsbury make the best GF 1:1 flours for baking. I prefer Pillsbury for sweets and Bob's for rouxs and savory doughs like bread. Pillbury also has a really REALLY good GF pizza dough kit.

Besides that, there are bunch of GF recipes on the internet. you can also look for recipes labeled atkins because that is a carb elimination diet so they usually don't include any bread or sub out bread with like vegetables (like spaghetti squash pasta or cheese crisps instead of crackers) Steer clear of products/recipes labeled keto, however. That's also a carb elimination diet but all the labels i look at still have gluten in them in some way.

I can give you some chain restaurants that do GF if you want! I don't want to overload you with info.

i hope this helps and i hope that I didn't overstep in anyway! i saw your post and I know going GF is daunting but it is definitely doable! 🫶

Oh my gosh this is so helpful!!! Thank you!!

I definitely want to do the testing for celiac so that's all very good to know (I have some other blood work I need done so maybe I can just like throw that in??). Can you tell me why they required an upper endoscopy? I had one done in like 2017 for something unrelated but everything came back clear (so basically I don't want to have to do that again if I don't have to 😂)

Thanks sooo much for the food and brand info too. I already use Barilla regular pasta so the switch should hopefully be easy! I'd love some info on chain restaurants too if you don't mind!

Also my last question is like.....if it's not an allergy then is the only way to be sure just to eliminate it?? (I mostly have GI symptoms, no allergy or eczema stuff and so far my doctor is just shrugging and saying it's probably IBS, but it definitely does not act like IBS)

[dr-2bthin]

Identifying whether you are Gluten Sensitive

“Maybe you ate too much last night.” – “It’ll go away, I feel bloated from time to time.” – “It’s just a headache, it will go away.” – “I feel very anxious after breakfast; could be due to my stress about work.”

We’re often assuming our condition to be the cause of something that’s not really serious because the symptoms are so common and bearable at times. We often tend to make light of what we experience because we think it will go away, it’s only a matter of time. However, sometimes one could be more vulnerable than one makes it out to be. It begins to get serious and we start worrying when the symptoms repeatedly occur, and it becomes annoying and unbearable. Of course, it’s natural to feel discomfort until it gets worse; plus, you don’t want to overthink your problems. However, food sensitivities beg to differ.

In this blog, we’re talking about sensitivity to gluten and its confusing signs. It causes visible signs of discomfort that many times runs in one of the family members unnoticeably.

Gluten sensitivity causes a host of symptoms like abdominal pain, fatigue, bloating, diarrhea and even constipation. Other symptoms include nausea, headaches, joint and muscle pain, depression, anxiety, confusion, and anemia.

Gluten’s insensitivity!

While many people are free of gluten sensitivity, there are many yet who are prey to this condition.

Those who are sensitive to gluten may not be aware until the symptoms keep showing up and are diagnosed by their doctor.Celiac disease or a gluten allergy can be detected through blood testing or other standardized approaches. However, non-celiac gluten sensitivity isn’t as simple. This is because the immune system reacts in many ways to gluten and it’s difficult to test and identify the difference. In fact, all three forms of gluten intolerance, that is celiac disease, non-celiac gluten sensitivity, and wheat allergy can cause widespread symptoms. However, many of the symptoms may have nothing to do with digestion.

One of the best ways to experience noticeable difference from the symptoms is by eliminating gluten from the diet for three to six weeks. Later, reintroduce gluten and observe how your body begins to react. If the symptoms reduced without gluten and then reappeared when you ate it again, you can concur that you are sensitive to gluten.

Once you know, you can work with a dietitian to guide youwith a diet that is gluten-free.

It is not recommended to reintroduce gluten in your diet if you have celiac disease. In this case, you must be sure to do any celiac testing before eliminating gluten.

Foods to avoid when you are gluten sensitive

It is essential to completely eliminate gluten from your diet if you have celiac disease. However, we recommend one step at a time. It can help if you include one gluten-free meal per day, and then slowly replace other gluten-rich meals.

Symptoms vary from person to person; therefore, cutting out gluten entirely and abruptly may not prove beneficial for some people.

Here are a few common foods and drinks that people with gluten sensitivity should avoid.

·        wheat, and any derivatives of wheat, such as spelt

·        pancakes, waffles, and crepes

·        biscuits

·        many sauces and gravies

·        beers

·        barley, including malt

·        rye

·        pasta

·        bread and pastries

·        baked goods

·        noodles

·        crackers

·        cereals

·        malt beverages

Gluten-free foods to add to your diet

If you have celiac disease, you’ll be avoiding gluten for life. This means that you’re going to have to look away from items that have gluten on the menu. You’ll have turned away from those irresistible baked goods while passing by your once used-to-be favourite bakery shop. But, don’t lose hope – we’ve got some interesting gluten-free you can add to your daily diet habits.

·        Meat, fish, and poultry: you can have all types, except coated or battered meats

·        Eggs: egg yolks, whole eggs, or egg whites are allowed

·        Dairy: unflavored dairy products are allowed, including, plain milk, yogurt, and cheese

·        Fruits: There’s not much of a problem with fruits, so you can try berries, melons, pineapples, bananas, oranges, pears, peaches, etc.

·        Vegetables: tomatoes, broccoli, onions, peppers, mushrooms, asparagus, carrots, potatoes, etc.

·        Grains: quinoa, buckwheat, tapioca, rice, sorghum, corn, millet, amaranth, arrowroot, teff, and oats (if labeled gluten-free)

·        Starches and flours: potato flour, cornstarch, corn flour, chickpea flour, coconut flour, soy flour, almond meal or flour, and tapioca flour

·        Nuts and seeds: walnuts, pistachios, cashews, hemp seeds, chia seeds, flaxseeds, almonds, etc.

·        Spreads and oils: olive oil, coconut oil, butter, margarine, vegetable oils, etc.

·        Herbs and spices: cilantro, black pepper, turmeric, oregano, thyme, rosemary, parsley, etc.

·        Beverages: most beverages are allowed, except for beer which mostly contains gluten

Reference:

List Of Gluten-Free Foods

A gluten-free life does not have to feel like you are deprived of food. There are ways to reduce your dependence on gluten and live a life that’s free from the discomfort of all gluten-sensitive symptoms.

Related Links for Prescription Based Weight Loss:

·         Phentermine – Doctor Prescribed Weight Loss & Diet Pills

·         Results – Before After using Phentermine

·         Phentermine 37.5 mg Reviews and It’s Pros & Cons

·         Weight Loss Program with Phentermine

·         How To Order Phentermine Online Legally

·         Online Weight Loss Phentermine Doctor

·         Common Reasons Why You’re Not Losing Weight On Phentermine?

·         How To Take Phentermine Properly?

Update:

We are now serving entire California, New York&Colorado

Coming Soon

Nevada, Arizona, State of Washington, Nebraska, Pennsylvania, Hawaii, Delaware, Georgia

Blog Source:  https://www.dr2bthin.com/identifying-whether-you-are-gluten-sensitive/

[jayflrt]

Alice I hope you don't mind me ranting a bit I'm just really upset like ndnsnsn I have health issues that have persisted for a while and they were getting better when I found out I was gluten intolerant and have a bunch of other food allergies but no matter how hard I try to cut them out I still end up feeling sick at the end of the day. Like today Im having acid reflux and my stomach hurts and I feel nauseous and lowkey dizzy and like that doesn't even correspond with how I react to my allergies and Idk I just feel sick all the time and it's so upsetting 😭 it's a silly thing but one of my fears is throwing up idk why but when my stomach hurts nearly all day every day it's jusr so anxiety inducing and as a result I just feel stressed and scared all the time and my mom and my friends try to help but ultimately I feel like the whole feeling better thing is impossible and Idk 😭😭😭😭 it's been extra bad today and it's just so draining mentally to put up with this I just had to get this out 😭

oh my gosh kelsey i had no idea you were going through something like that 😭 im so sorry, that must be so hard to deal with :(( also i don't mind at all so don't worry about that !! also im sorry i was trying to do my research as i was typing out this ask so i apologize if im all over the place! gluten is in a lot of foods so it must be rlly difficult to stick to a strict gluten-free diet :// it's really hard to feel positive about something when it's hindering your daily life like that :( did your doctor say you could get treated for it and reduce its effects somehow ??

i read that there's an enzyme called AN-PEP that blocks gluten before it reaches the small intestine so taking a tablet containing it would allow you to consume gluten without experiencing the effects of it !! maybe you could check with your healthcare provider/doctor beforehand but i found some links where you can buy these supplements and i made sure to find ones that have good reviews !! (but reminder to check with your doctor first!)

i found this one called GliadinX and the ppl who have celiac disease/gluten intolerant in the reviews say they've always had fatigue, headaches, nausea, bloating, and stomachaches when consuming gluten but after consuming gluten after taking the pill, they didn't experience any symptoms ! one person said she had light nausea for a while but it passed quickly

this one called Gluten Relief helps you digest gluten and the reviews are very promising too !!

this one called GlutenEase also has good reviews about how well it works !!

so i chose the top three ranked ones, but i think GliadinX is by far the most effective and best in helping with gluten intolerance :'') and apparently has the highest concentration and most effective formulation of AN-PEP !! ��� i hope this could be of help tho kelsey and i hope things get better :(( 💝

[clatterbane]

Tonight's delight: An aggressively "healthy" but surprisingly decent frozen dinner! (Or, about half of it since that's what I could hold.)

I picked this up a while back, largely on the basis that it was (a) convenient, (b) probably fairly easy to swallow, (c) gluten free, (d) decently balanced, and (e) full of actual vegetables and stuff. I like vaguely Indian lentils and rice, so maybe it won't be too bad with a little jazzing up? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Kept putting off eating it, and with my brain's awesome "out of sight, out of mind" capability? I mostly forgot it was there until I ran across the box while looking for something else. (Still really need to pick up some shelves/bins to help organize the freezer crap!)

Welp, I guess supper is sorted!

GI giboxen.se - Nutritionally calculated & ready! INDIAN LENTIL STEW - LACTO-VEGETARIAN LENTIL STEW WITH EDAMAME BEANS, SPINACH, TOMATOES & SUNFLOWER SEEDS

If I had spent more time in Sweden, I might have some clue who the grinning dude whose face is plastered on both sides of the box is supposed to be--and how that is intended to make me want to buy the thing. As it is, I am happy enough just letting that remain a small mystery for now! Lest some "diet guru" bullshit should make me less inclined to eat the thing now that it is waiting in my freezer.

WHAT MAKES THE GI-BOX UNIQUE? The GI box consists of ten different ready-made and nutritionally calculated lunches and dinners created by the diet expert Ola Lauritzson. The food contains a good balance between protein, natural fats and high quality carbohydrates. We have placed particular emphasis on using only fine ingredients and minimizing the salinity of the food. Thanks to the fact that we freeze the food immediately after cooking, the nutritional value of the food is maintained while we can offer long shelf life. From a nutritional point of view, cooking in the microwave is the most gentle way to heat the food. With the Gl box, you get a really good meal that can be prepared quickly, whether you eat at home or at work.

INGREDIENTS Red lentils, brown rice, tomato, water, spinach, carrot, CREME FRAICHE, SOYBEANS, broccoli, grilled peppers, coconut milk (maltodextrin, MILK PROTEIN), onion, sunflower seeds, ginger, tomato puree, salt, rapeseed oil, lemon juice, rice starch, garlic, vegetable bouillon (onion, carrot, parsley, rosemary, lovage, pepper, cumin), cumin, coriander, chili, cinnamon, white wine vinegar, black pepper.

The ingredient list took a little extra manual correction, after Google Translate completely choked and shat itself toward the end. 🤔 No idea why, but this has been an issue before with some longer sequences of ingredients off labels in that (fairly straightforward) format.

Anyway, that sounded like a pretty reasonable collection of ingredients, with nothing actually offputting in there.

And, the finished product tasted pleasant enough and certainly filled my belly up nicely! Pretty much what I was hoping for tonight. With some actual vegetables, which my body has really been asking for.

Added some handy Creole seasoning, for a little more salt and heat to suit my taste better. Could have done without the added texture of the edamame and sunflower seeds--both rather intrusively thrown in the cooked rice. I'm also still a little baffled by the gratuitous glob of hot sour cream over to one side (why? who decided that would enhance the eating experience? 🤔), though it wasn't an unpleasant addition. But, those were my main quibbles with the meal.

Another item that I might not actively seek out again, but wasn't sorry to eat. And I won't mind going back for the other half later! Maybe add a little lemon juice to the lentils then.

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH.9

TW Purposeful misgendering of MC, and overall skeevy first POV.

MC is agender and here I started this chapter with the POV of someone out right misgendering them.

Capital He/Him pronouns are associated with Slender.

He was angry, but then again when wasn't He. You've wasted too much time on “laying low”. And now He's getting impatient, you're starting to hear whispers about potential replacements and incompetency. First you fuck up your mission then you gave Him the subpar sacrifice of that dumb hippie. He didn't want her, He wanted her. Her being your current and original target.

The girl who moved to town in the middle of March, YN. Didn't wait for the month to end or come the first week of the new one. Such a strange time to move...almost as if she was running away from something. He had taken an interest in her immediately. You didn't see what was so special about her, just another mousy girl in a small town, very obedient from what you saw.

Maybe that's what caught His attention. A new little puppet to add to His collection...but His urgency with this task didn't really fit. You knew for a fact He wasn't human but...could He have desires of the flesh? Was this a twisted perversion of your god's? The fuzzy feeling in your head gets painful at the thought.

'Ok, you aren't after some ass.' you think trying to appease Him.

It doesn't work, your apology is almost as worthless as you are to Him in this moment. You've really been testing Him lately, understandably this is your last chance so to speak. Bring Him YN or you won't be His problem much longer.

A chill runs down your spine at the ill intent you feel through your contract.

You're working on it, really you are. But she's so stupid and air headed it will take a while to break her for Him to be able to properly mold her. Not to mention she seems to have acquired a new guard dog. One that seems to have problems staying still, yet will spend hours watching her.

You'd seen him around town a few times in the past week or two, he has two other companions who aren't as bad about keeping low profiles. Yeah, you'd seen each of them at her house at one point or another. The short one seemed to have a nasty habit of slinking into her home in the dead of night as she slept. He didn't seem to go in during her drives, only when she'd be there. The tall one would come in the early morning or middle of the day, either to retrieve his partner or to snoop around inside for a bit before leaving. Aside from his partner he never seemed to leave with anything, never went in with anything either. They weren't leaving traces so they couldn't be your replacements.

Even if they had been they didn't seem too tough, you could over take them easy. Show Him you were still good for something.

But worst of all was her fucking mutt. He'd just circle the outside of the house, inspecting it. For what you have no clue, but he kept at it like he had a keen eye and could detect the slightest change of the home. One day he started looking off into the tree line and you'd almost swear he knew where you were. And while his nearly all black eyes made you think he was your replacement, intimidating you, your god suggested otherwise.

Reminding you that they weren't breaking her down for Him. That was your job.

Not only was the twink annoyingly thorough when at her home but he seems to have followed her to work today. You hope this isn't a new habit for him, you'll need to catch YN off guard at some point and you can't do that with that stupid twitching bastard around.

He bought two books and YN had seemed surprised when he came up to chat with her after finishing the first one. She's not your normal type but you can't deny she is cute talking so excitedly, you really wish that fucking mask was off her face so you could see her plump lips move. Come to think of it, twitchy was also wearing a mask. Is that why she talks so freely with him? Was all you had to do to get close to her was wear a mask? Or did she have a little crush on this guy?

No, she's speaking the same way she would with one of the Hornets. He however has a certain look in his eye while they talk. Maybe someone does have a crush...Or maybe he's just a disgusting stalker like you are. Were, like you were that is before your god saw the potential in you. And blessed you as one of his followers.

If he is a creepy little stalker tailing her you could let him do the breaking, and then you'd swoop in for the kill. Would that take too long? Better yet would your god even be happy with the idea. He can get very touchy about plans, down to the tiniest details too. You've witnessed first hand what He does to those who leave gaps for targets to get through.

Reprogramming doesn't seem pleasant. But that'll be the least of your worries if you don't get a move on with delivering Him His choice of offering. In the years you've been of service to your god...you don't recall Him ever choosing his offering. A target yes of course plenty, but His next puppet or a special meal. No this was big, testing your worth probably, very big.

'And you're failing.' that voice isn't yours.

'How, astute.' He's chatty today. That's always a bad thing. For you anyway.

You turn your attention to the bookshop across the street, coffee shops make such great covers especially when you add a laptop and act as though you're writing a novel, no one spares you a glance. It's five and that means quitting time, maybe YN wouldn't go home right away. You could run into her and plant some seeds of paranoia in her.

Mess with her head, have her freak out and cause a scene in town to discredit her further in the future. Your typical MO. After all she is just the simple new girl in town, and small town residents don't trust easy.

'This should be fun.' you think as you pack up your computer and notebook.

Heading to your car you wait in the parking lot for a moment, making it look as though you were busy with your phone while you waited to see that ugly yellow car drive in one direction or another. It doesn't take long before you catch sight of the brightly colored Kia taking the road towards the general store.

Wonderful, one humiliating panic attack in public coming up. This was something you could manage perfectly on your own. Though maybe once your god was more pleased with you, you'd ask for His assistance in giving her a few more hallucinations. After all the faster she's broken down the faster He gets what He wants.

Once at the small store you park one space away from her Kia. Normally for targets you prefer if they don't notice your car but it's not like there's room to go else where in this parking lot. Just as you're about to make your way inside, you hear more murmuring.

How the hell are you supposed to do His bidding when all He seems to want to do is keep interfering? It's getting so frustrating that you're starting to question your god's intelligence.

For your insolence you are hit hard with the worst migraine you've ever gotten since taking up a contract with Him.

'You are not the only one following them.' is the biting retort.

Moving your head despite the pain, you scan the store through squinted eyelids as you stand just out of your car. And you catch sight of him, that twitching guard dog from before. He hasn't noticed you but he seems to be sharing a cart with YN.

Did she get a boyfriend? Were you just unaware of that detail this entire time? She seems too relaxed with him for that to be anything else. They look too domestic together, you'll have fun ripping them apart. She'll probably cry like the bitch she is when you do, that's a very nice picture.

'Leave.' what now?

'Leave before he catches on to you.' The twitchy twink? You could take him in a fight, kid is practically all bones, why should you leave?

Instead of an answer your migraine intensifies. For the first time in years you are racked with so much pain that you would've collapsed on the ground if your car hadn't been near to steady yourself.

A chime of a bell sounds, “Hey pal you alright there?”, it's just Leo. Luckily you've never shopped at his store so likely hood of him knowing who you are or mentioning this to anyone isn't high.

“Ah...yeah,” you say through the wincing, “real bad migraine.”

“I got some Excedrin-”

“I'll just come back later.” you cut him off and get back into your car. Movement isn't easy for you under all this pain but you can feel His presence in your mind gaining control. You'll either wake up back in your bed or on the forest floor covered in blood and ticks. You really hope it isn't the last one as you black out just as you turn onto 3rd Avenue.

Leo comes back into the store almost as soon as he ran out.

“Everything ok?” you ask. You'd seen the man run out when you turned around to ask if he had gluten free vegetable stock.

“Yea, some tourist must'a got car sick or somethin'.” you nod at his gruff reply.

“Oh, do you have any gluten free vegetable stock?”

The old man eyes you warily.

“Kid don' tell me ya got on one a those fad diets.”

“No it's for the Picnic next week. I wanted to make an all diet friendly foragers pie.” you said shaking your head, which snaps right twice. Behind you you hear a muffled clucking coming from Toby.

Toby had hung out at the shop with you today. After he read through The Son of Neptune the two of you had discussed the series for a bit before you almost let some spoiler slip through. Toby couldn't help but laugh when you pushed him into a reading nook to finish reading the series before you ruined it for him. He got two thirds of The Mark of Athena done before you clocked out for the day.

While leaving he mentioned he needed to go shopping and asked where the grocery store in town was because he hadn't seen one in the area. You offered to take him to Leo's shop because it had everything you could need and was a small local business. Like most things in Kepler but there was a Trader Joe's that opened up in town, and they don't have much to offer when you cook from scratch. So here you were shopping together.

“I think we have organic no clue if it's vegan though.”

“Gluten free.” Leo rolls his eyes in dismissal and goes off to find the organic broth for you.

“Was there anything else you needed to grab?” you asked turning to look at Toby.

He had a list with him and had been ripping small tears to cross off what he'd gotten. He nods once then twice as his eyes find items he had yet to find, until they stop near the bottom of the list. Toby's dark brown eyes roll so hard you're pretty sure they rolled to the back of his skull. He lets out a dramatic 'agh' sound at whatever was on the list. Before crumbling it and tossing it into the cart.

“Atomic Fireballs and eggs. Can you grab the candy? Some people get pissy about their eggs.” he says cutting his eyes to the cooler containing eggs. This is probably a regular argument with the group.

With a small nod and an “mmhmm” you run off to the candy isle. You smell the cinnamon candy before you even see the container on the shelf. Before running off back to Toby and the cart, you pause debating if you should grab some M&Ms or chocolate chips to make cookies for tomorrow's movie night. You had stress eaten the snacks you bought last week only having the Surge left for Kirby, like hell you would drink it yourself.

After the week you've had baking sounded really nice. The mind numbing activity would probably be therapeutic since you haven't baked in so long. You grab two of the bigger bottles of mini M&Ms they always taste better to you, plus mini cookies tend to be a bigger hit than their regular sized counter parts. On your way to the front of the store you pass an end cap for chips. Seeing the white cheddar popcorn you like you grab a bag to replace the one you ate earlier in the week.

You should be set now, as long as Leo had the broth. If he didn't gluten free broth seems like something the Trader Joe's would have.

Toby's already at the counter with Leo, who had a box of broth off to the side. Noice. You place the Atomic candy on the counter with the rest of Toby's items. Leo looks between the two of you but brushes off whatever thought or comment he had.

“This it for you kid?”Leo has already begun ringing him out.

You see the movement of Toby's mouth open while he double checks the cart, he closes it when he sees the wad of paper. He must have forgotten something. Going over your own list you double check to make sure you have everything before it's your turn.

“N-n-n-no, can I-I-I get two boxes of condoms? St-s-st-standard and Large.” Toby's popping his knuckles a little more aggressively than normal, well what you've equated to normal for Toby.

'Oh.' the add ons sort of surprise you, but his exaggerated sigh from earlier makes more sense. Why did you even think that eggs caused that sort of reaction? It was probably because he was gonna have to ask for condoms in front of you. His new friend, nearly a stranger. Toby's agitated tics and stuttering are very valid right now.

You miss the look Leo gives you but Toby doesn't and when Leo looks back at him his tics get more frequent.

Looking to Toby when his 'mrrow' tic keeps repeating, you see the tips of his ears are a soft pink. A stark contrast to their normally grayish white complexion. Wanting to help but knowing he's most likely just embarrassed you decide to say nothing and ignore the situation. Thankfully Leo doesn't make any type of comment either as he finishes ringing out Toby and hands him his receipt.

“This it kid?” He says as he starts checking out your items.

“Um...ah, what's the pizza today?” this week isn't your normal pizza week but with the Picnic being next weekend you probably won't do pizza next week. And you have to have a slice ready for Chonk, least he decides to see what human taste like.

“Spinach and mushroom, a white pizza.”

“Yea I'll take one of those then please.”

“Garlic crust?” How very dare this man. What kind of question is that.

“Of course.”

He leaves to the back of the store yet again to retrieve your pizza. There's a silence that falls over the store as he leaves, leaving only you and Toby out front. Not an awkward type of silence but you definitely aren't going to risk a glance at Toby right now.

“I threw in an extra for that stray you've been feeding.” He says as he returns. Toby having calmed down a bit scoffs at the stray comment.

“That isn't a-a-a stray it's a fucking dem-mon.”

“Ok like that's fair, but he is kinda cute.”

“I don't care what it is, just keep it away from my store.” Leo finishes ringing you up. “Bad for business to have a wild animal rooting through the garbage.” Leo doesn't care about that stuff he also fears Chonk, and all his trash panda glory.

Once you settled your tab with Leo you and Toby go out to your car. You place his items in the backseat while you take the trunk, so no one goes home with the wrong item. Stars forbid you end up with the condom bag and have to awkwardly give that to Toby or even worse Brian or Tim. You've had four interactions with the man but already you can hear Brian's teasing banter.

Getting situated in the car you hand your phone to Toby to pick the music. You'd left your entire library open this time and not just the home page, you wanted to see if he'd pick something different or just go with the last thing played. He did scroll a bit before just clicking the last played playlist. Well at least he looked, maybe you'd make a playlist and see what he liked. He could just enjoy the songs.

While you're stuck at the light waiting to turn you remember consciously that Saturday Night Dead is tomorrow. You wonder if the trio would be joining you all. Wouldn't hurt to ask.

“Hey so are you guys coming over to the Cryptonomica tomorrow night?”

“Tim and Brian are.” Toby's eyes glance at the window as he picks at the skin around his nails.

“Oh. Why aren't you coming?” you hope you don't sound too pushy.

“Hi, I'm Toby I have Tourette's.” He says in a deadpan.

“Nice to meet you, I'm YN I have Autism.” you sass back cutting your eyes to him, “and I have tics too remember.”

“You can sit beside me. The gang never mentions my ticcing or stimming during a movie and I sit in the corner to be less of a distraction.”

From the corner of your eye you can see he peeled off a bit of skin and is now bleeding. When you slow down at the light you reach over him to the glove box and pull out a box of band-aids. Tossing the box in his lap you focus back on the road. There's a cracking sound when Toby's shoulder pop from a tic but other than that you two fall into a lull in the conversation.

From the corner of your eye you see Toby put the box in the cup holders between you. This little shit, just because he doesn't feel pain doesn't mean picking his skin is a healthy fidget.

“...I..I'll think about it.” he's still picking at his skin but maybe reassurance will help him calm down.

“Well, I hope I see you tomorrow then,” you can't help the grin on your face, you're just a touch giddy at the fact you've made a friend this fast. “No pressure though.” can't be too pushy you might scare him off.

You hear a huff as he turns more of his body to look out the window. He isn't upset his energy feels calm almost excited, it's nice to meet someone who isn't so confusing with their actions. Though you'd wish he wouldn't try to hide them. Maybe you both have the same idea of not wanting to overwhelm the other right away. You get the feeling this situation...your blooming friendship with Toby, it isn't something he's use to.

Getting to the RV you help Toby carry in the groceries, despite his protests that he can do it. It was just machismo of course, because once inside the RV you noticed how clean it was for three bachelors and their huge dog living in it. Sure there were dishes in the sink but dishes are a care chore that never ended. There was very little clutter that you saw but you also weren't paying close attention since you were just helping bring in groceries and not here for a visit. It would be rude to look, you think.

Once all of the boys' bags were brought in and either on the counter or table you saw a majority of them had blood smears all on the handles. Fucking Toby, you gave him band-aids for a reason.

“Tobais you're bleeding.”

“Thanks Captain obvious.” you want to smack him.

“Do you guys have a first aid kit?”

“Nope.” he sounds so smug when he pops the 'p' sound.

“Ok, then I'll go get the band-aids out of my car and you wash your hands.”

“Don'-uwu- Don't worry about it.”

You have to bite your lip so you don't laugh but the small stream of air coming from your nose let Toby know you were laughing. Despite his mask you can see his pout clearly when he turns to you.

“I...I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't...but it's too,” your giggling is breaking down your ability to speak, “cute.”

The grumpy face sort of melts off of the boy in front of you, but you can tell by the vibes he's still touchy. You try to calm yourself but quickly realize you aren't giggling anymore because of his tic.

“C'mon it isn't even that funny.” he says gruffly, before looking off to the side.

“No...it's,” you keep shaking your head as the movement doesn't stop. The loop won't stop and you're starting to tear up from the muscles in your abdomen seizing up then relaxing in repetition.

Toby seems to realize what's happened.

“No fucking way.” is all he says as he comes closer to your still giggling form. “A giggling tic?” You can only nod, you're starting to get light headed. Toby noticing you starting to crouch down, helps ease you to sit. He stays by your side as you both wait for the tic to cease.

He even tries rubbing a hand on your back to soothe you into calming down. You'll need to tell him physical comfort doesn't really help you. It's still sweet of him to try.

Unlike a laughing fit that will have a gradual die down of the action, your laughing tic has an abrupt stop. But you feel just as tired and even more sick than someone who just got out of a laughing fit. Breath coming out hitched though you try to gasp in more air to soothe your impending headache. Your face is red and covered in tear stains, once again you are thankful for your mask. This isn't a tic you get often but you probably hate this one the most, just from how drained it leaves you.

Toby continues to rub circles into your back as your breathing starts to even. Eventually he gets up to grab you some water. You notice it's quiet in the RV, not even Connor is around Brian must have him today.

“That was probably karma.” he says as he hands you the glass. Looking up to him confused he continues, “For teasing me about my tic.”

“But I w-wa-,” you take a large gulp of water for the raspiness of your voice, “I wasn't teasing. I just thought 'uwu' was a cute vocal tic.” you say indignantly.

Really you had only thought the verbal tic was cute. Also it'd been a while since you heard 'uwu' said aloud so it caught you off guard.

“Not as cute as a giggling tic.” who's teasing who now.

“Haha, don't get used to it doesn't happen often.”

After settling down from you tic it's time to head home. You really don't want to over stay your welcome. The fatigue is also starting to set in and you want to get home before it really hits.

Toby is nothing if not a gentleman you've noticed. And he continues to be on brand as he walks you back to your car.

“So thanks for that.” vaguely motioning as if to say 'y'know' with your hands rather than your words. Toby knows, you can tell from that boyish glint in his eyes.

“Hope to see you tomorrow night.” you say getting back into your car.

“It's sounding better now.” there's a pause, “Get home safe.” he slaps the interior of your window before backing away from your car altogether.

With a final wave you back out back onto the old dirt road and drive on home. When you get home you realize you never patched up Toby's hand, now you have a small bloodstain on your door.

[honeymaki]

Hiya! I also have pcos (it friggin sucks man I’m sorry you have to suffer through this crap too 😩) and I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to manage it and treat it and I’ve found a lot of people saying that going gluten free and dairy free help a lot and it’s helped me too. It has to do with gluten and dairy both being inflammatory or something? Something else that’s been proven to help is inositol supplements! I’ve read that birth control and metaformin are really not helpful and pretty worthless as treatments but I’m not an expert at all. Pcos is a way more complex disorder than doctors tell us it is, it’s hugely a metabolic disorder and hormone disorder which is why most of us are overweight and can’t lose weight no matter how hard we try and working out actually makes us gain weight which is the stupidest bs I’ve ever heard :’)

Sorry if this is a bunch of stuff you already know or if I sound pretentious or something 😅 I have asd so I have a hard time wording things but I’m just trying to be helpful 😊 when I got my diagnosis I didn’t fully understand the condition and I didn’t start looking into pcos more until like six months later lol

Also I totally understand your struggles with hair I have a fuzzy face too and it makes doing makeup a lot more challenging lol and my stomach hair really bothers me sometimes when I’m feeling really feminine :/

I hope you find a good way that works for you for managing your symptoms and pain!! Sending you love, spoons, and hoping you have good non super painful periods ❤️❤️

thank you:(( ive had the diagnosis for maybe two years? three? but I did go gluten free for a long long while and I didn't sense much difference - I just gave myself an intolerance to gluten which turned into a problem in itself:(( I have really bad issues with food anyway so cutting stuff and dieting isn't good for me, I do eat as healthy as I can when I can but I've just gotten used to being bed bound for like three days on my period and having to move back with my parents cause of how bad my mood swings are:((

I get the hormonal stuff really badly, it severely affects my mood and my mental health nd cause of my stupid fat ovaries I developed pmdd on fucking top of everything else I got going on:(( ive never heard of inositol supplements so I'll give those a go!! but yeah, I lost a bunch of weight a few years ago and since then I've a)fluctuated all over the place and b)nearly developed an eating disorder so

fun times having a female reproductive system:((

thank you for the advice nd the comfort, it's difficult to get it around me nd my environment so thank you nd I wish you well nd kisses and cuddles nd all the good kind energy<33

[jbbarnesnnoble]

Another Lie

Summary:  You struggle with your self-esteem and body image. Bucky and Wanda know something is wrong, but have no idea how to help you. 

I totally didn’t forget to swap out the summary from my last fic

Features:  Plus size!Reader with PCOS

Warnings:  Disordered eating; self-esteem issues; anxiety

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Wanda Maximoff/Reader

Background Paring(s): Steve Rogers/Sharon Carter/Natasha Romanoff

Notes: This is based on my own experiences with my self-esteem and weight as a plus size woman with PCOS. I will likely write another fic in this universe that is much more positive. This fic deals with the struggle of self image while struggling with PCOS. So please, please, please keep that in mind. The reader in this fic has a very unhealthy relationship with food, which is based on my own struggles with it. This can be triggering for some, so please take care of yourself and avoid this fic if you know it will be triggering to you.

Word Count:  2923

You sat by the window, pretending to pick at the salad you had brought. Lunch had turned into an early dinner at the end of the day, taking your break in the last half hour of the work day. You didn’t live at the Avengers compound. Tony had been on your case about at least moving into one of the homes on the grounds, but you stood firm in wanting your work and your personal life to remain separate. You were fairly certain the only person who knew where you lived aside from Tony, was Natasha and that was because it was Natasha. You weren’t an Avenger. You were a desk worker. You helped decrypt intelligence and create mission briefs. You had a critical role with the team, even if you didn’t feel like what you did was all that important most days. You weren’t the one risking your life.

The nature of your job was another reason Tony and some of the others wanted you living at the compound. While putting the team in one place did paint a target, the compound had impressive security measures. Everyone had a place outside of the compound, sure, but a lot of time was spent there, together. Their homes away from the compound were more like a retreat to recharge. Clint weaved in and out with practiced ease, spending as much time as he could with his family when he could. 

But you insisted on staying on your own. The only compromise you made was having FRIDAY, though the AI was barebones at your instruction in your home. You had bought the house a year into working with the team. Tony had gotten you set up. You knew he worried. He would never admit to it, but he did. You could handle basic self-defense, but push comes to shove, if HYDRA or some other enemy of the team came knocking, your chances against them weren’t great. 

You had always struggled with your self-esteem and self-image. It worsened when you started working alongside Nat and Wanda. You had kept yourself in check, but things had been weighing on you lately. It was easy to start skipping a meal here and there. Easy to pretend you ate something. You knew it was a slippery slope. You were on a collision course with trouble. But when you stepped on the scale that morning, the number staring back at you had you convinced it was okay, that you were fine. It wasn’t like you skipped every meal. You ate. It wasn’t much, but you ate. It didn’t help that your anxiety was interfering with your appetite. 

You were pulled from your thoughts when Bucky and Wanda sat down across from you. You hadn’t noticed them come in with Steve and Natasha, who found themselves sitting on the couch, Sharon Carter stretched between them with her head on Natasha’s shoulder and her legs flung across Steve’s lap. Bucky and Wanda were somehow the two you were closest to.It wasn’t something people expected.  

“Sticking around for movies tonight?” Bucky asked you.

“And pizza...we can get your favorite,” Wanda said. You frowned. If it was just movies, sure. But pizza...pizza would put you over for the day. You kept a tally of the calories, painfully aware of how many a single slice had. Pizza was one of your favorites, especially from the place the team ordered from.

“Get you an order of garlic knots, know you like them. You’ve been on a health food kick lately. You can have a bit of a cheat day, especially with us,” Bucky teased. You sighed, closing the container that held your salad. 

“I can’t tonight. I have plans,” you said. You missed the look the two shared and the staring from the trio on the couch.

“Like a date?” Wanda asked, her voice going up an octave. You snorted.

“Right. Me on a date. No, I just have plans with friends. I do have a life outside work you know. You guys are great but, I do have other friends,” you explained. It was a white lie. Your friends were miles away, scattered about the country and the world. The only plans you had were a bubble bath and a salacious novel before you inevitably lost the ability to distract yourself and forced yourself to go to bed. 

“You could invite them here,” Bucky offered. You raised an eyebrow. Wanda tried to hide her laugh before Bucky realized what he’d said.

“Right. Background checks,” he said.

“Security is the way it is for a reason. Maybe some other time,” you said. You finished your lunch before heading to your office to gather your things. You opened your fitness app, inputting your lunch. You sighed as you saw the number for the day. Next time, you’d skip the dressing. 

When you got home you threw the container your salad had been in into the sink. You filled your water bottle and went to start the bath. You’d kill for a glass of wine, but shook your head at the thought. 

It hadn’t always been this bad. For a while, you’d been fine. But anxiety crept in and twisted things around. You knew, on some level, that you weren’t okay. That you should talk to someone. But then your anxiety kicked in, whispering that your problems weren’t important, that saying anything would be a bother. You and food had a complicated, unhealthy relationship. 

You had been on the heavier side of things since middle school. A diagnosis of PCOS once you were out of high school made things make sense. Why you had gained so much weight. Why you had so much trouble losing weight. It also contributed to your anxiety. It was a perfect cocktail for the issues you had with your self-esteem. There were so many ‘diets’ aimed at those with PCOS. Keto. Gluten free. Don’t eat this. Eat that. Cut the sugar. Carbs are bad. You were almost down a size since you’d started down this path again. 

You stripped down and turned on the water, adding bubbles as you let it fill. Once the water was high enough, grabbing the latest book you had picked up. You put on a playlist you’d made and slipped into the bathtub. You tried to relax. But you couldn’t. Too many thoughts swirled around in your head. When you got out of the bath, you stared at yourself in the mirror after drying off. You poked and pulled at yourself before sighing. You traced the stretch marks that lined your stomach. You watched the jiggle of your arms and your thighs as you finished drying off. You could almost hear the criticizing tone of your grandmother on the days you felt confident enough to wear a shirt that showed more of your arms. ‘Why don’t you put on a sweater?’ ‘Do you really want to go out in that?’ ‘You should cover up.’ Her words echoed in your head.

Your stomach growled but you ignored it. You had maxed out for the day. You told yourself you would be better off ignoring it. You got dressed for bed and went to lay down for a while. You needed a distraction from the hunger you were feeling. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bucky and Wanda were worried. They had retreated to his room after you left. Neither spoke for a while. 

“She never turns down pizza night,” Bucky said, giving Wanda a look. He was hoping she heard something. Wanda shook her head.

“You know I make a point not to listen. I tune everyone out unless something is too loud. We can’t violate her trust,” she said, sitting down beside him on the couch in his suite. 

“She’s lost too much weight too fast, tell me you see it too,” Bucky said. He always noticed things when it came to you. The jeans you wore that once fit perfectly were starting to look baggy on you. The more fitted shirts you wore were also looser, in a way they were clearly never intended to be. Wanda nodded.

“I have. Tony has too. He can’t use FRIDAY to check on her either,” Wanda said before Bucky could even suggest it. Bucky frowned.

“Why not?” he asked. 

“Because he promised her. FRIDAY only has the most basic functionalities in her home. Checking for a heartbeat is the extent of it. She wasn’t comfortable having FRIDAY in her home,” Wanda said.

“But when she’s here,” Bucky said. Wanda shook her head. 

“FRIDAY doesn’t conduct health assessments on regular employees, not unless someone asks or they’re in medical for something,” Wanda reminded him. 

“Couldn’t we ask?” he asked.

“No. Either she has to or Dr. Cho does. And you know Helen won’t do that without her consent. If there were something truly alarming, we have to trust that FRIDAY would alert someone,” Wanda told him. Bucky sighed. 

“I don’t like this. Something isn’t right here. You’ve seen it yourself, Wanda,” he said. She placed a hand on his cheek gently, her eyes meeting his.

“I know. But all we can do right now is make sure she knows we’re here,” she said. He pulled her close, hoping you would come to them before whatever it was you were dealing with got too far out of control.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You had decided to take advantage of the gym at work. Tony had offered the use of the Avengers gym, but you had decided to use the regular employee one. 

You found the stationary bike after stretching, deciding to use it. You had one earbud in while working out. It was a habit you had gotten into so you could pay more attention to what was going on around you. Which was why you heard when Aisling from accounting came in with several other women. 

“Don’t know why she bothers. She likes Sergeant Barnes and Agent Maximoff. She hasn’t said it outright but it’s pretty obvious. It’s sad. As if either of them would be interested in her,” you heard her say. You knew she had no idea you could hear her. Aisling was always nice to you when you had to bring something by accounting for Tony. You’d even had lunch together a couple times a week, usually. 

“Aisling, come on. You’re friends with her, aren’t you? Would it kill you not to be such a bitch?” another woman said. She sighed.

“She’s nice, don’t get me wrong. But life isn’t a movie. People like Barnes and Maximoff don’t end up with people who look like her. And clearly the gym isn’t helping her,” you heard her say. You ended your workout and gathered your things. You didn’t want to hear anymore. You tore out of the gym, willing yourself not to cry. You were hurt. You thought you were friends. You decided to use the showers in the Avengers gym. It was more private. You didn’t notice Bucky and Wanda were in the gym with Natasha and Clint as you rushed past. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wanda and Bucky shared a look as you ran past. You were clearly upset. Natasha had a frown on her face.

“Wanda, come on, let’s go check on her,” Natasha said. Wanda nodded as she followed Natasha into the locker room. A shower was on. Through the door of the cubicle, they could both hear loud sobs. They decided to wait until you came out. When you did, you almost screamed. You were fully dressed, but you hadn’t expected to see anyone. It was clear you had been crying.

“What happened?” Natasha asked, jumping right to the point. You refused to look at either of them.

“Nothing,” you said. 

“Want to try that again? You ran in here and you were crying. What happened?” she asked softly. 

“Sometimes the truth hurts. That’s all. Look, I need to get back to work,” you said. You brushed past them and headed for your office, locking the door behind you. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wanda and Natasha shared a look. Wanda wasn’t keen on breaking your trust, but she had to know what happened to upset you.

“FRIDAY what happened before she came up to the gym?” Wanda asked.

“She was in the employee gym. I can play the audio from that time if you would like, Miss Maximoff,” FRIDAY said.

“Please,” Wanda said. FRIDAY played back the audio, isolated from your immediate vicinity. She and Natasha both heard what Aisling said. Things clicked into place for Wanda.

“FRIDAY, contact Dr. Cho. Tell her Bucky and I will be coming by,” Wanda said. Natasha gave her a questioning look, but Wanda shook her head. 

She went to talk to Bucky and the two of them headed for the medical wing of the compound. They hoped that Helen would be able to shed light on what was going on with you. If anyone could, it was her. 

“Is there anything you can do?” Wanda questioned once they told Helen their worries. Helen looked between the two.

“I can’t. Unless FRIDAY detects that Ghost is in danger, I can’t. She’s not an agent or an Avenger. There’s no reason to monitor beyond basic life functions ,” Helen explained. Ghost was a nickname that had stuck to you. You were good at weaving in and out of networks undetected and that translated to how you moved around the compound at times. You had a habit of appearing out of nowhere. Tony swore up and down you must be enhanced with a teleportation power. 

“We just want to know she’s okay,” Bucky told her. Helen nodded. It was no secret that Bucky and Wanda cared deeply about you. The only person who seemed to be oblivious to it was you. 

“I understand, Sergeant Barnes. I really do. But for now, be there for her. It might not be something medical,” Helen advised. Bucky and Wanda left the medical wing, still at a loss of what they should do. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another week passed. Most of the team was away on various missions. You were holed up in your office, working on decrypting something from the last mission Natasha had gone on, a solo run with Clint as backup. You hadn’t eaten all day. It wasn’t a conscious thing, and FRIDAY had reminded you to eat several times. You could feel yourself starting to shake and sighed. You were in the zone on your work and told yourself you’d grab a snack and a glass of orange juice in a few minutes.

By the time you moved to stand up, the shaking was worse and you were feeling lightheaded. You silently cursed yourself. 

“Doll? Everything alright?” you heard Bucky ask. You jumped. You hadn’t been aware he was back from his mission.

“Yeah, yeah, just need to eat. Haven’t had anything today,” you said. 

“Since breakfast you mean?” he asked. You didn’t look at him.

“Ghost, it’s four in the afternoon. You haven’t had anything yet?” he asked, alarmed. You sighed.

“It’s not a big deal,” you argued. 

“Ghost, how much do you eat in a day?” he asked. 

“Enough,” you replied, avoiding the question. You didn’t need anyone judging you for your habits. 

“How much is enough?” he questioned, his tone gentle. You knew you weren’t getting out of this conversation. It would be easy to lie. But you couldn’t bring yourself to lie to him. You knew, on some level, that what you were doing wasn’t healthy, nor was it sustainable. You unlocked your phone and handed it to him. 

“Ghost,” he whispered as he looked at your meticulously kept log. You hadn’t noticed Wanda enter the room. 

“Why?” Wanda asked, as she took the phone from Bucky. You didn’t know where to start or how to answer. 

“Look at me. I’ve tried every diet and none of them worked. I’m not pretty. I want to feel beautiful, you know? I want to be able to go out without thinking people are laughing behind my back. I want to go shopping and know if I find something I like, it’ll be in my size,” you rambled. You jolted when she brought her hand up to caress your face.

“You are beautiful. Don’t give me that look. You are beautiful in my eyes. In James’ eyes. Isn’t the saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder? You may not see yourself like that, but we do. And that’s okay. Things don’t change overnight, especially how we see ourselves,” she said. 

“I think you should talk to Helen. This isn’t sustainable. It’s not healthy,” Bucky murmured. You were confused. You didn’t think they liked you, not like that. 

“I don’t...why do you care so much?” you asked, eyes welling with tears.

“Because we care about you. We can talk about this more after you see Helen. We’ll be with you, every step of the way,” Wanda explained. You nodded. 

“Okay,” you whispered. They walked with you, arm in arm to the medical wing. Helen had been expecting you. 

“Everything will be okay. We’re here. And we’re not going anywhere,” Bucky said, taking your hand in his. You nodded. You weren’t sure what was going to happen next, but you knew, they’d be with you, whether it was as your friends or as your partners. Wanda sat on your other side, humming some calming song you didn’t know the name of. 

You knew then. Things were going to start looking up. You were going to be okay. And they would be without, every step of the way. 

[immodestmussorgskyy]

you have (1) new message

“I don’t believe in you!”

“I believe in you…”

You can’t help but snort, bursting into a fresh round of giggles. The dialogue in Nightmare on Elm Street is absolutely diabolical-- you struggle to figure out how anybody could consider this a horror movie. But hey… meteoric fame is hard to come by. It’s a cult classic for a reason. 

You’d usually be marathoning classic slasher flicks with your roommate, Chloe, but she’s on a month-long Hawaii dream vacation with her new boyfriend. What happened to bros before hoes? But hey, his wealth is apparently abundant enough to fund weeks of paradise beachside living, so good for her for getting that bread. And anyway, you’re content to sit alone in your little mousehole apartment and melt into the couch after work with a family-size bag of salt & vinegar chips under your arm. 

You watch the flickering screen with mild interest as you chomp down another handful of chips. Freddy Krueger is definitely failing to get you on the edge of your seat. Wiping your hand on your sweatpants, you pick up the remote and turn the movie off. 

“Nightmare, my ass.” you mutter under your breath. 

As much as you’d like to, eating nothing but salt and vinegar chips for dinner seems like a great way to end up with an upset stomach and a lot of regret later tonight. The pantry is well stocked with Chloe’s foods of choice-- organic steel-cut rolled oats, a billion different kinds of nuts and seeds all in cute little labeled mason jars, gluten free bread, a mockery of cheese puffs (chickpea puffs? Come on!). Your side is a library of boxed or canned foods in stark contrast: a couple opened boxes of Pop-Tarts, a few boxes of Kraft mac & cheese, a family sized box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and, the only thing not in a box: another bag of salt & vinegar chips. 

The fridge tells a similar story. Chloe’s avocados, farmer’s market tomatoes, and thick stalks of celery gleam in the vegetable drawer. She’s consumed half the shelf space with just kombucha and a few swanky craft beers. And bottles of oat milk, or soy milk, or some kind of thing pretending to be milk. You actually don’t have much in the fridge besides leftover Indian food from your favorite place downtown and a gallon of milk for your cereal, so you don’t mind her hogging more space. 

Muffy, Chloe’s ragdoll cat, stalks into the kitchen with you and gives you a tiny yowl. You lean down and give her an affectionate scratch behind the ears. 

“Scram, Muffy.” you murmur to her. “I’ve already fed you.” 

She looks up at you with a look that can only mean “and you’ll feed me more.” 

She stalks back into the living room, fluffy beige tail disappearing behind the wall in a flick and a wave. You tie your hair back and yawn. What’s on the menu for dinner tonight? 

Before you can think too much about eating, you remember that Chloe left you a voicemail before she took off. You fish your phone from your pocket and open your voicemail, tapping your toe against the linoleum floor as the dial tone plays. 

You have one new message, chirps the robot voice of your mailbox. 

“Hey girl. I’m boarding soon, so you probably won’t hear from me for a while. Make sure you feed Muffy, water the plants…” she clicks her tongue a few times, “take your meds, and don’t lay in bed for too long on the weekends. You know how that tanks your mood.” 

Chloe might be a total hipster health nut, but it doesn’t make it any less sweet that she frets over you so much. You break into a smile and make a mental note to call her back. 

“And. You can eat anything perishable of mine in the fridge or pantry while I’m gone. I doubt the bread or the veggies are gonna last long… you need to eat healthier anyway. No potato chips for dinner.” 

Your smile grows. She knows you so well. 

“I gotta go, but I’ll send you tons of pictures when I get there. Bye, babe.” 

You hang up and set your phone down on the counter. Eyeing the bland looking loaf of brown bread, you decide you’ll have breakfast a la Chloe for dinner. 

You toss the loaf onto the counter, then stalk to the fridge. The avocados seem pretty ripe. Tomatoes, too. You pick out one of each, then pluck a couple eggs from the carton you two share and set it all on the counter. Avocado toast with scrambled eggs sounds pretty Chloe. 

You gut the avocado, tossing its pit in the trash and scooping its innards out into a bowl. The fork makes quick work of it, turning it into a mound of mild green paste. Salt, pepper. Done. 

Hey, if Chloe let you eat her food, she’s bound to not mind that you’re using her nice kitchen knives too, right? You cut a few slices of tomato and grimace at its gelatinous, glistening center. You never liked tomatoes much, but she’s kinda right-- you do need to improve your diet. 

Before long, you’ve got a nice thick slice of toast slathered in avocado and garnished with ripe red tomato sitting next to a steaming pile of scrambled eggs. This may not be your beloved salt & vinegar chips, but it sure looks delicious. 

You snap a photo of your meal and text it to her. Am I healthy yet? you type, with a grin on your face. 

Muffy stalks up to you, looking up expectantly. You sigh and toss her a morsel of scrambled egg. “That’s all you’re getting, you little twerp.” you admonish through a mouthful of toast. It’s not… delicious, but it’s not bad for some mushed up vegetable on top of an excuse for bread. You curse yourself for not adding some cheese to your scrambled eggs. That would’ve really been delicious. 

You’d usually be scrolling through your social media right now, but something inspires you to look longingly out the window of the kitchen. The sky is a starless, inky black, obscuring everything except for whatever is illuminated by the weak orange streetlights. Usually there would be more traffic or drunk yelling-- you and Chloe didn’t exactly get lucky with the placement of your unit-- but tonight it’s eerily silent. That’s perfectly welcome to you, though. It’s much better than cranking up the volume of your music to drown out whatever street fight is occurring three floors below you. 

Suddenly, your musing and its silence is broken by the sound of your ringtone. It’s half past midnight… who in their right mind would be calling you right now? 

Unknown number. You frown and let it go to voicemail. Probably just some spam caller. 

You finish your dinner and sit there in the silence, then check your phone again. You can’t help but be curious as to what message they’ve left you. Gingerly, you open your voice mailbox again and listen dispassionately to the dial tone and the little robot voice. 

You have one new message and one old message. 

The voice that erupts through your speaker is unfamiliar, smooth, low. All you can discern is that it’s a male voice, its tone almost perversely cloying. 

“I was hoping you’d pick up.” A long inhale, a long exhale. “You seem a little lonely. Breakfast for dinner… cute.” 

Ice cold horror washes over you and you can barely move your fingers to hang up. This has to be some kind of joke. Some stupid kid getting really, really lucky with their prank call. 

But a question still sears into your thoughts:

Who would have known what you were doing? 

That you were alone in your apartment? 

Maybe, just maybe, by some insane stretch of the imagination, Chloe’s new boyfriend got ahold of her phone, saw your text, and decided to pull some prank. Yeah, that sounds about right. That’s the only situation that makes sense, unless… 

Somebody is watching you.  

You nearly jump out of your seat as the phone rings again. Unknown number. Your hands tremble over it as your panicked brain deliberates picking it up. Before you can think about it any more, you’ve snatched it into a sweaty palm and brought it up to your ear. 

“Chloe, this isn’t fucking funny. Cut it out.” you try to sound intimidating, but your voice trembles in just the wrong way with each word. 

“You picked up.” the voice breathes, and you swear you can hear a sinister smile creep onto whoever’s face it belongs to. “You must really be lonely.” 

“I said stop, Chlo--”

“My name’s not Chloe.” he snarls, and your empty threat dies in your throat immediately. Then, as if nothing had happened at all, his voice slips back into that relaxed, amused tone. “But I do wish I were spending a month in Hawaii right now. Lucky girl, isn’t she?” 

Another pang of fear hits you like a brick. You swallow hard, biting your lip. “Whoever you are, leave me alone. Or I’ll… I’ll call the cops.” 

“What exactly are you going to tell them, sweetheart? That some big mean boogeyman is leaving scary messages on your phone?” he lets out a mocking laugh. “They’ll send their best officers, I’m sure.”

“Leave me alone.” is all you manage to say, breathless and trembling, before you force yourself to hang up and practically slam your phone down onto the counter. Muffy jumps and cocks her head at you. You force yourself to break out of your panicked stupor and hurry over to the kitchen window, glancing hurriedly to the left and right of it. If somebody were on the fire escape, you surely would have heard it. 

At least, that’s what you tell yourself. 

You yank those curtains shut, then the curtains on the living room window, then finally the ones in your bedroom. You remember Chloe locking and shutting her windows, so there’s no need to check in there. Something tells you to anyway.

You creep to her doorway, palms sweaty. There’s probably nothing to see in there, you think to yourself, the curtains were already shut. 

Looking into her room, your stomach drops. 

The curtains are tucked neatly to the side, and her window is cranked all the way open, letting in the cool night air and the sounds of the streets. You nearly choke in horror and rush over to shut the window, making sure the lock is tightly down before throwing the curtains back over them. You must have just misremembered. She probably left the window open to let some fresh air in, or something.

But she never leaves her window open, or Muffy would get out, you realize. 

“Oh my God.” you gasp to yourself, before you sprint to the kitchen and grab the biggest, meanest looking knife in the drawer, as well as your phone. Muffy meows at you curiously, then yelps in indignance as you swiftly scoop her up by the stomach and fly to your room. 

“Sorry.” you mutter as you practically toss her onto your bed, then lock your door. It’s a pathetic, flimsy mechanism, and could probably be picked with a fork, but it’s better than nothing. You pause, surveying the room for any heavy objects, and settle on jamming your full laundry hamper under the doorknob. At least this way you’ll hear any intruder before they make it into your room. The knife you tuck under your pillow as you scramble under your covers and turn your lamp off. 

Your hands shake as you dial Chloe’s number. The phone rings once, twice, then goes straight to voicemail.

“Hey, Chlo,” you say shakily. “Uhm, I got some really weird calls from somebody tonight and I think our apartment might have been broken into. Or something. Uh,” you swallow hard, “Muffy and I are locked up in my room right now and I have a knife. I could be just imagining things, but if you don’t hear from me for a while, I probably got murdered or something.”

God, you sound so stupid right now, but it’s the best you can muster when your thoughts are racing at a million miles an hour. 

“I’ll call you when I wake up tomorrow. Bye.” 

You plug your phone in and set it on your nightstand, shrinking down underneath your duvet. Nothing is visible in your room, even as your eyes adjust to the darkness, except for the glow of the hall light you left on under your door. 

It’s going to be a long night. 

Check out this story and the rest of its chapters on AO3!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28688007/chapters/70331253

[wordsiwishispoke]

it’s a long story

i don’t expect anyone to read this but i have some things i need to say. i’m not posting this for sympathy i just need to tell my story even if no one is here to listen.

tw // rape, drugs, alcohol, depression, eating disorders, self harm

i have grown up quite a bit since i made this account, i am no longer the 13 year old girl who thought life couldn’t get worse, i am almost 21 and i know now that it can always get worse and hopefully one day it will get better but today is not that day.

i grew up privileged i won’t deny that, i always had a roof over my head, food on the table, and money for new clothes and whatever else i wanted but life has still not been kind and i’m sure many people can relate.

i am scarred and bruised.

i was young when i learned life was a disappointing mess, my mom decided i was fat in 2nd grade and put me on my first diet, in fourth grade she took me to every nutritionist she could find and forced me to start a food journal. she jumped me from one diet to another, from gluten free to keto to only drinking protein shakes for weeks on end to weight watchers meals. she compared me to all my friends, clothing was always “unflattering” to my figure or didn’t help me look “slim” i was never the skinny friend, i was never the pretty girl.

i remember the first trip to the nutritionist when she had me get on the scale, i was terrified of the number. i was only 10 and i made every excuse for the number, my hair was wet, my clothes were heavy, my bracelet was heavier than it looked, whatever else i could say to explain why the number was what it was. i wasn’t even fat just terrified everyone would think i was. not only was the doctor staring at me, i felt surrounded, my mom was there, my dad was there, the nurse was there too and i just remember the feeling of the number defining me.

my dad got a job in another city and life was never the same and neither was our relationship, he missed me growing up, he wasn’t there for me. i felt so alone.

in middle school i started pulling out my eyelashes and instead of caring about me she shamed me and told everyone. there. was a point when she bought me mascara to remind me of how pretty i could be with eyelashes. she would yell at me saying it was embarrassing for her, i don’t remember exactly when i stopped but she hasn’t mentioned it since.

i turned to the internet for any acceptance i could get, sending old men pictures of me before i was even a teenager, “dating” anyone online who even give me the time of day. i turned to fandom culture and was groomed by countless 18+ fans who i’d have to talk out of suicide every other night feeling like their lives were something i was responsible for. i thought this is what adults do but i was just a compliant victim letting these adults use me as their therapist and sexting them before i’d even had my first kiss. 

all through high school i starved myself and stayed up till 2am doing any Pinterest workout i could find trying to reach a bullshit standard i had for myself only to gain more weight and feel even worse about my body, every day i still battle with food. 

i carved into my skin with anything sharp i could find just to feel something even if it was pain but nothing helped. 

i used to pray that i would get kidnapped just so someone would starve me till i was nothing more than skin and bones. i would hope for any illness that would take the fat off my body. 

in college i was raped, i was drugged, i was betrayed by my closest friends, i was taken for granted by someone who i thought was my best friend, i was bullied for my body, and i struggle with my sexuality. i was told by police that i couldn’t possibly be drugged and i sat there unable to move as they tried to handcuff me for underage drinking luckily my dorm RA stepped in and they gave me a warning but it wasn’t before the police could call my mother and tell her that her 17 year old daughter was drunk. she told all her friends and family.

and i haven’t even fucking graduated yet

i thought no one would ever notice me enough to want to have sex with me so i put myself in these situations like i was begging for someone to hurt me, and someone listened, he stole my innocence and he left me bleeding and alone. he watched me cry as he yelled at me to finish him. i mean what is a 17 year old girl to do when she thinks she’s getting what she deserves. i did it to myself really, i decided that life wasn’t worth anything unless a man deemed me worthy of sex. even when i begged him to stop and pleaded for him to listen and he didn’t, i knew i deserved it. 

i had been craving someone to want me and he did.

i was so glad that i wasn’t a “virgin” anymore that i ignored the complete disgust i felt, i ignored what he did to me, what he took from me. i explained it away and never told a soul.

things have only gotten worse with my father, he’s never said he’s proud of me, he calls me stupid and refuses to listen to a word i say. i hope one day i am more than the little girl he left to alone 5 days out of the week because work was just more important. i hope he feels bad for missing my sports games and parent teacher nights. “but i’m always there for the important things” but there were more important things than just graduation and weekends. i had choir showcases, theater performances, dance competitions, nationals, science fairs, spelling bees, and so much more that he never showed up to.

for better or worse my mother was always there, every scrape, every tear (even the ones she caused), every performance, and parent teacher night. 

for the first time in years i took a blade to my skin tonight and i watched as the blood came through my skin, i just feel like i’m in this endless loop of emptiness and i’m unable to feel anything.

i feel like most of my life has been a cry for help that no one can hear.

i have never known love and sometimes i don’t think i ever will maybe it’s just not in the cards for me. i fear that i don’t know how to love, i think i’ll never find someone who i can feel comfortable with enough to love. 

i bury myself in fiction and obsess over fictional characters and famous people. who will never know i exist because there no commitment there, i’ll never actually have intimate moments with them or expect them to care when i need help.

i traded blowing bubbles for smoking cigarettes, i traded lines of chalk on the cement for lines of cocaine, i traded my innocence for something i can never get back.

friday nights turned from dinners with my mom to drowning my problems with alcohol and listening to loud music i couldn’t be bothered to learn the words to.

i used to be so bright and warm but i can feel the light slipping and the cold taking over.

I am filled with these unanswered questions and unsaid thoughts, never did i think i would be here.

i guess my story is no different than thousands of others, i am not special, i am not an exception, but i am me and even when i wish i wasn’t i cannot change my past i can only try to overcome it.

maybe someone reading this can relate and feel just a little less alone or maybe no one will read this but i hope that everyone knows that their story doesn’t define them and i’m tired of letting mine define me.

[hollyhomburg]

That kinda sounds like Hashimoto’s disease, or at the very least hypothyroidism. You should see about getting a doctor to run a full hormone and antibody test on you. Maybe like your gyno??? Like Hashimoto’s is an under active thyroid autoimmune disease and that’s what it sounds like! Especially when you’re exercising and not losing weight, but I also think doctors are full of shit and telling you to lose weight is a cop out. The inability to lose weight is often a thyroid/ hormonal symptom. Try eating anti inflammatory/ gluten free/ dairy free if you don’t already! I hope this helped!

This is the moment that I confess to all of you that I’m terrible at taking care of my health if it’s not directly diet and excersize related. There are so many doctors in my family that the last time I went to see a irl doctor was 2 years ago and I’m 24 and have never been to the gynecologist 🤡 thank you for suggesting these things though! I really gotta try eating anti-inflammatory and for my thyroid health tbh cuz like- I feel like my body is just not working the way it’s supposed to at all at this point

[thebibliosphere]

Hey Joy, I understand if you don’t have the energy to respond/have posts on this already. It’s a bit odd to talk to a stranger about this. I have a severe gluten allergy, had it since I was a kid. The thing is even when I 100% know a food is safe (confirmed by a chef or label) I don’t trust people and end up having an anxiety attack because I’m terrified of dying this way. I know you also have allergies and I wanted to ask how you combat fear like that? If you have it about your allergies at all

I’m sorry to hear this, but I can absolutely tell you, you are not alone with this kind of anxiety.

For me, my allergies are so severe I don’t eat out at restaurants anymore, it’s just not safe and I can’t live with the anxiety, quite literally, as stress can be a trigger for anaphylaxis with my condition. Which, is why when we go out to eat as a family, I’m the person in the corner not eating. I’m sure some people think it’s odd, including members of my family, but I’ve learned the hard way that with a condition like MCAS, seeming a little odd or coming off as “difficult” is a small price to pay for not having to use my EPI pen.

I also won't eat any meals that haven’t been prepared in my own kitchen, because as well-meaning as people can be, mistakes happen, and they’re also not equipped to handle my allergies on a basic level. For instance, gluten sticks to non-stick pans (also plastic, silicone, wood, cast iron, basically anything porous) which means someone might make a gluten-free cake for me, but I might still get ill because the pan was recently used for making a regular wheat-based cake. It seems like madness I’m sure, but when you are that sensitive like some people most definitely are, having dedicated pots and pans are a must for avoiding gluten contamination. (NB: I do not have celiac, my reaction is not a celiac one so this may not be true for people with celiac. I do however have MCAS, where I have an anaphylactoid reaction to gluten, as gluten is a mast cell trigger)

So I hear ya on the gluten “paranoia” front, I really truly do. With labels, especially if it is things I am able to handle and prepare myself, I’m a lot less anxious, especially if the brand has a good rep for accuracy and testing. But if I’ve never had a product before? Yea, the anxiety is still there. And it’s there every time I have to attempt to introduce a new food back into my diet, which I have to do with another adult near me at all times, my epi-pens out on the table and access to dialing 911 on the off chance my body decides the new X food will be a trigger for mast cell degranulation.

The way I get around this is with a lottta, lotta, lot of therapy. I recognized that my fear, while entirely valid, was also part of a trauma response and that it was vital to be able to distinguish between a panic/fear response, and an actual allergic reaction warning sign. I’ve mentioned before that I use EMDR to great effect in dealing with trauma, and I have used it for this, as well as other things. I also practice mindfulness when eating. Sounds like hokum I know, but creating a calm environment and associating calmness with eating has been hugely beneficial to helping me persevere with my condition and managing to eat somewhat more regularly.

So your fear is valid, it really is—particularly with regards to places where you cannot control the food and there’s an increased chance for cross-contamination. But you also will not always be100% able to control your environment with regards to your allergy, and as terrifying as that can be, it’s something worth trying to face and finding ways to overcome.

Helping friends and family to create a safe environment for you, whether it’s bringing your own food to meals, or keeping a stash of safe foods at their house can be a really good way of doing this. It both takes the burden off the family member and also enables you to feel safe and secure in what you are eating. When it comes to restaurants, that’s up to you and how safe you feel trying them out. Personally, the risk is just not worth it for me, and on the advice of physicians, I’ve stopped eating in such places.

Everything else is learning to recognize that your fear is valid, but you also can’t let it stop you from trying every new thing that comes your way, especially if it’s certified gluten-free. My dietician and my therapist have been hugely beneficial in helping me find foods I can eat, and also helping me manage the psychological stress of going through the “am I allergic to this” ritual. If you are able to do so, I’d maybe try and talk to a certified dietician, and if you don’t already have one, a therapist as well.

I really hope this helped, I feel a little bit like I’m just going “oh mood”, but I really truly do understand your fear, and empathize with it. Take care, okay? And I hope things improve for you