#I HAVEN'T FELT MY TOES ALL DAY BUT THAT'S OK

[thedreadvampy]

continues to be a lovely warm December

[tan1shere]

Breathe

Billie Eilish x female reader !

A/n: it's 3 am and I just thought of this. This is so rare for Ms tann to have motivation omg. Anyways enjoy !

Summary: you had been working yourself to the bone, flat out. Causing your girlfriend to worry about you.

Warnings: bit angsty, reader is stressed, panic attack, but fluffy ending MUAH

Masterlist

Frantic.

Your movements were frantic your whole brain was frantic. Speeding up with what you had to get done. It's as if time crept up on you. It was midnight and you couldn't sleep, all because of this thing you needed to do for work. You didn't want to get fired or anything. And that's the constant thing rattling round your brain.

'You're gunna get sacked.'

'You'll loose your spot.'

'They will think you're pathetic'

"What're you doing up love?" You then hear your girlfriend yawn. "Sorry Bills I didn't mean to wake you." She rubs her eyes adjusting to the light you had on in the living room. "You didn't babe. Why are you up this late?" You scatter the papers on the floor trying to find the one your after. "Bubba?" She then says a tad bit louder. "Hm? Oh, I needed to get this done, go back to bed billie-" "You come back to bed baby. You needa sleep." Your head just shakes. "Can't. I have to get this done." She lets out a sigh. "Please come to bed once your done." You mindlessly nod, still focusing on your work.

Days pass where this kept going on. Midnight, daily. She was getting really worried. Concerned. "Baby, it's your day off." She says looking at you scribbling something down on a piece of paper at the kitchen table. "I know but I forgot to do this." She sighs, her worry increasing. She goes to sit next to you. "Sweetheart." You hadn't heard her, too caught up with your burning thoughts. "Look at me." And you do, but not for long. Only to let her talk. "Your running yourself down, you need to take a break. Please." She pleaded.

But she knew deep down you wouldn't budge. You were definitely a hard worker. You didn't want her to worry either, you were fine. Right? "Its ok Bills once I'm done with this I will." "And when is that because it's been days." You continue to write. "Just a few more days." She sighs, standing up and leaving the room.

It was bad, truly bad. You haven't slept in 4 days, nearly 5 once the clock struck 12. You hadn't eaten. It's as if something was wrong with you, you had never done this before. Until the sleep deprivation kicked in. You felt it, feeling your lids slowly close. Your head going along with it, knocking out on the table. You hadn't even realized. That was until Billie came down, ready to shoot some sense into you, when she saw you dead asleep. She was so thankful. Tip toeing around to shut your laptop, when you wake back up again. "Fuck." She curses under her breath.

"Shit!" You say. "How long was I out for?" You ask her, that franticness coming back. "I dunno babe, you-" "No no no." You look at the clock. "It's 12. No..." Her eyes scan your face. Her worried look still evident. "Baby." She says sternly. Sensing what was approaching. "Oh God." You grab your chest trying to stay calm, but with the lack of sleep mixed with the lack of hunger your body just couldn't. A panic attack started to form.

Billie was quick to you, wanting to grab your face to get you to look at her, but truly not wanting to overwhelm you anymore. "Bub, please look at me." Tears build up, your breathing unsteady. "Baby, hey." Her voice was soft. "I-" You begin, feeling your chest tighten. "Can I touch you?" You finally look at her, nodding frantically, feeling like you're going insane. She was quick to grab your hand putting it on her chest. "Do your breathing. In.. and out." You shake your head but she just nods.

"Yes, in and out." Your eyes shut, trying so damn hard to focus on her voice. Then slowly your breathing comes back slightly. "There you go, that's it. Feel how still my heart is?" You nod, feeling her gently place her hand on your chest. "I want yours to be the same. Deep breath in, through your nose." You do so feeling a little bit calmer. "Then out." You breathe out, feeling the exhaustion finally hit you like a wave. "Few more times." She then says, feeling it still beating a bit fast. You nod, fixing your breathing until it was normal again. Things were silent. Until she spoke up.

"Talk to me sweet girl." Her thumb rubs under your eye, moving to the other. "I had to finish this stupid thing which I'm now coming to my senses was for no reason, I had time I don't know what got into me." That was a lie, you do know. And it was your evil coworker. She knew how hard you worked, knowing how intent you could sometimes be, she's the one who riled you up. "Bub." She knew you were lying too, she knew you better than anything. "Fucking Hannah. She's a stupid bitch oh my god. I absolutely hate her and the way she gets to me so easily." Billie grips both your hands in hers.

Making sure you're staying calm. "She bugs me too, I think you need to tell your boss because if anything she should be getting fired. Not you, because you haven't finished something in the right time. But her for being an evil fucking cunt." You sniffle, a small laugh to be heard. "Billie." "What! She is." You smile at her. "Thank you." You then say. "What for angel." Her hand comes to put any loose strand of hair behind your ear. "For being here, I feel like I've been awful." Her head shakes.

"So far from that, you've been working so hard even if it was worrisome. You were so determined and I admire you tons for that." Her words made you smile. "But I really do advice sleep, please." You nod. "Yeah.. I agree with you, I'm definitely feeling it now." She nods. "Dare I say good, its like you were a frozen statue over the past few days." You sigh a bit. "Sorry baby." She squeezes your hands, in an 'it's ok' way. "And Missy. You needa eat something." She then gets up grabbing a small snack from the fridge.

After that you get into bed with her for well needed rest. You turn to face her as her arm slings over your waist. "I missed you." She then says. "Missed snuggling with my girl."She finishes off. You give her a smile. "I'm sorry again, I truly am Billie I never wanted to worry you or for it to get so out of hand like it did." Her hand lands on your cheek so delicately. "Come to me in future my love, talk to me. That's what I'm here for yeah? I'm here for you always." Your body moves to cuddle hers, wrapping your arms around her. She holds you tightly. "From now on we talk hm?" Your head nods as you feel sleep taking over again. "We talk." - "Good." She kisses your forehead.

"I love you." You then say.

"I love you so much more."

[russellsppttemplates]

Hiii, would be comfortable with writing something about the reader not having a good relationship with her parents but loves her in laws and they are basically like her parents, thank you

Note: I have this plotline for Pierre, there are other pieces you can read as well about this too if you haven't read yet and want to read more 🤍

Cw: reader has a bad relationship with her family/has cut ties with her family

"Have you decided what you want to have in the tables?", Pascale asked as she brewed some tea for the two of you, watching Jean and Pierre working on the grill outside.

"Not really, we've seen a few arrangements, and we know what we don't like - especially those really big things where you kind of can't see the person in front of you", you scrunched up your face and she giggled, "it's not the priority on our list, but we're going through all of it in due time", you said, "It has been hard not having anyone else to discuss it with - Pierre only cares so much about how it all looks", you shrugged before composing yourself, "don't get me wrong, he's been very involved, he's been to all of the meetings with the wedding planner and the only thing he isn't involved in is the dress try-on for obvious reasons".

"No need to be so flustered, dear", your soon to be mother in-law soothed your worries quickly, "it's nice to know he's been helping, I knew he would after he asked me a couple of questions", she winked, "you never have to worry about asking for help or opinions - I'd love to to and pick the dress with you if you'd like me to be there", she offered, not wanting to step on any toes.

"I'm glad you're in my life", you spoke up, wiping the stray tear that fell on your cheek. All of the day to day jokes about mothers in-law you grew up hearing and laughing about were surely not written about the lady in you had in front of you.

"Chérie, we're the lucky ones to have you in our lives - there's no one else I'd love to be with Pierre", Pascale smiled, hugging you and rubbing your back gently.

.

"I like this one," Anna said, looking at the dress you were wearing. The look on your face however didn't match her excitment, "It's not it, is it?", Alexandra offered as you twirled around, not like the naked back detail.

You shook your head and walked back to the dressing room, shoulders slumping at yet another attempt to try on your dress. Was your body the problem? Did you have a funny taste in wedding fashion?

On your way to the curtained area, you tripped on the dress, quickly balancing yourself before actually falling over, checking if you had done any damage to the dress, "just because it doesn't look right on you it doesn't mean you should rip it, Y/N", you muttered to yourself.

"Chérie", Pascale called, "can I talk to you for a bit?", she asked before you nodded, letting her grab your hand, "It's ok, beautiful girl, there are lots of dresses. We will find the one you like the most and that is the one for you", she said rubbing your hand in a comforting manner.

You nodded and looked up, keeping the tears at bay, "thank you", you sighed, squeezing her hand.

The last dress was not one you would usually go for even though you still picked it from the hangers, finding the ties and undoing then enough so you could try it on. You slid the dress on carefully and pulled the ties as tight as you could, pushing your boobs a little so they would fall into the moulded cups. As you looked in the mirror, you felt beautiful in it. The bodice fit perfectly, hugging your waist beautifully before fanning out on your hips, and the train wasn't too long, just the right amount to elongate your presence. It felt soft against your skin, and once the lacing on the back was properly done up, it would feel secure and delicate.

Giggling softly, you walked out to meet the group again.

"I think she found it", your soon to be sister in-law Charlotte smiled she saw your radiant smile, "I just need help with the back", you said, turning around so Pascale could help you as she immediately got up and delicately threaded up the laces on he back.

"It's beautiful, Y/N, you look so beautiful", Pascale whispered, "It's like it was made for you," Alexandra clapped her hands excitedly, "This the one", your murmured, twirling around happily in front of the mirror.

(Thank you for sending this in ✨️)

[doe-eyed-fool]

Prey | Chapter Three

Alastor x Fem!Reader

"Mimzy! How's my favorite flapper girl?" Alastor greets the shorter woman as he strolls into the lounge. Mimzy was at the bar, in the middle of a drink when she saw Alastor. A bright smile found it's way to her face. "Alastor! What brings you by?" She asks before turning her attention to the bartender. "Hey, a round of whisky for me and my good friend here." She tells him. 

Alastor took a seat next to her. "I actually wanted to speak to you about a friend of mine. You know her, Y/n L/n. She's looking for work, you see. Something new, something that can really turn her mundane life around."  He explains. "Oh?" Mimzy raises an eyebrow. "You suggesting I let her preform? She good at singing and dancing?" She asks. "I can't just let her preform, just because you like her." A small smirk fell on her face.

Alastor decided to ignore her teasing. "She's as good as they come." He says. "Listen, I'm going to level with you Mimzy. I've been trying to get Y/n out of her unfortunate situation for a while, and every time she refuses my help. Stubborn one, she is. But this is something she's actually willing to let me help her with. I promised her I'd at least talk to you about it. But I assure you, if you give her the chance, with time, she will be brining in all sorts of people to your lounge."

Mimzy hummed as she thought about it. "I guess there's no harm in letting her try." She shrugs. "I've only met her a maybe twice, but she seems like a decent gal. And I trust you Al, if you say she's good, then she must be."

"Excellent! She'll be ecstatic to know you said yes." Said Alastor with a grin. "I haven't said yes, yet. I said I'd give her a shot. She'll have her answer, once I see her in action." Mimzy corrects him. "Now, while you're here..." She hands him a glass of whisky. "Let's enjoy the rest of the evening, shall we?"

You walk inside your apartment, exhausted from today's shift. Lot's of people came in, and you were kept on your toes throughout the whole day. Right now, you wanted nothing more than to just sleep. However, the knock at your door would prevent you from doing so. With a groan you walked to the door and opened it, annoyance clear as day in your face. Upon noticing who was on the other side, your mood quickly shifted.

"Alastor?" 

"Good evening, Y/n. May I come in?" Alastor asks politely. "I have wonderful news, you just have to hear." You nod your head and stepped aside, allowing him to enter. Shutting the door, you approach Alastor with curiosity. "What is it?" 

"I spoke with Mimzy tonight, and she said she'd give you a chance." He tells you. You almost couldn't believe it. Almost. Of course Alastor could get someone to go along with what he wanted. Rarely was there a time someone refused to hear him out. And now, thanks to him, you might actually have the chance to achieve your dream. 

"Al, you mean it? She wants to give me a chance?" You ask. Alastor nods. "I suggest you tell your boss, you wont be making it in tomorrow. Because she wants to see you first thing in the morning." 

"What?" You gasp. "But that's so soon!" 

"The sooner the better, no?" Alastor chuckles. "I'm sorry about the short notice, but she wouldn't accept any other time. She's a busy gal, she says." 

"How am I going to explain this to my boss?" You ask worryingly. "I could always explain it to him." Alastor smirks. "Explain that you're moving on to bigger and better things. Explain how he was always a slimy, no good excuse for a man, and you deserve better. And how-"

"Ok, Al. I get it." You chuckle. "But no, you don't have to do that. I'll talk to him." 

"Oh, Y/n. Always wanting to do things the hard way." Alastor shakes his head. You just shrug. 

"Thank you, Alastor. Really, I don't think I could have done that on my own." You say with a soft smile. "Anything for a dear friend." Alastor tells you. Your smile fell slightly and you felt a light stab at your chest. You ignore the feeling and continue. 

"Well, I should probably get some rest. Big day tomorrow, right?" 

"Indeed! I'll get out of your hair." Alastor says as he makes his way to the door. "I wish you all the luck int he word, Y/n. And I'll be there, right by your side for your audition tomorrow morning. I promise." 

"Thanks Al." You say before yawning. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Y/n." 

You smooth out your dress as you briskly walk to Mimzy's lounge, your heart was beating wildly in your chest, and not just from your fast pace. You never felt more nervous, today could be the day that changes your life completely, you have to be perfect. Nothing could go wrong today, it just couldn't. 

As you approach the lounge, you saw Alastor waiting just outside of the door. He gave you a wave as he saw you. You smile weakly and hurried to his side. "Morning." You greet him breathlessly. "Good morning, Y/n. Today's the big day!" Alastor says excitedly. You only nod your head, hands shaking by your side.

"Nervous?" Alastor offers.

"Terrified, more like it." You tell him. "Oh, Alastor. What if I do terribly? I would have wasted yours and Mimzy's time, and just make a complete fool of myself." You say with a shaky sigh. "Come now, you'll do just fine." Alastor said, placing a hand on your trembling shoulder. "How did your boss take the news?" He asked.

"Well, I didn't say I was quitting. Just that, I had somewhere important to be and couldn't stay for my shift." You then grimace. "The look on his face made me want  to curl up and die. He didn't say much, but I could tell he was upset with me." 

"Psh, he can be upset all he wants. He should feel grateful he didn't say anything to upset you. Otherwise, I'd be down there right now." Alastor mutters, his tone dipping low. "Anyhow!" Then his tone was right back to the usual liveliness. "Let's show Mimzy what you've got!"

Alastor leads you inside the lounge, there wasn't anyone in this early, so it was entirely empty. Aside from Mimzy, who was having a smoke at one of the tables nearest to the stage. When she noticed the two of you, she puts out the cigarette and stands from her seat. "Morning, you two. Come on over." 

You and Alastor approach Mimzy, all the while, she kept her gaze firmly on you. "Hm, yeah, just as pretty as I remember her being. Good start." Mimzy says as she checks you over. "Real question is, can you sing?" 

"Y-Yes ma'am." You nod. "Yeah? I'll be the judge of that, sweetheart." Mimzy smirks. "Now, get on up there." She points her thump at the stage. You exhale shakily and glance at Alastor. He brushed his hand on yours and nods. You walk towards the small set of stairs that lead to the stage, and climb them. You approached the microphone and held it gently. It was just two people, Mimzy and Alastor, and yet it felt as if the whole world was watching. 

"I've got a song picked out for you already." Said Mimzy before nodding towards the man at the piano near the rear of the stage. "I hope you know it." The music began to play, and thankfully you did know this song.

You swallowed a lump in your throat and bean to sing along.

I'm sentimental, so I walk in the rain I've got some habits even I can't explain Could start for the corner, turn up in Spain But why try to change me now?

I sit and daydream, I've got daydreams galore Cigarette ashes, there they go on the floor I'll go away weekends, leave my keys in the door But why try to change me now?

There was a point in the song, where you had found yourself becoming less tense. Your eyes closed, and instead of focusing on who was watching you, you look back on your memories. Memories of your parents and yourself, when you were younger. Singing along to songs on the radio with them, the sound of their voices, their faces.

Why can't I be more conventional? People talk, people stare, so I try But that's not for me, 'cause I can't see My kind of crazy world go passing me by

So, let people wonder, let 'em laugh, let 'em frown You know I'll love you till the moon's upside down Don't you remember I was always your clown? Why try to change me now?

You slowly open your eyes as the music died out, and once again it was just Mimzy and Alastor watching. Mimzy was the first to speak. "Alright. I think I have my answer." You felt nervous all over again, heartbeat picking up in your chest as you await her answer. 

"You seem a bit tense, but I guess that's normal for your first time singing in front of folks. But you'll have to handle your nerves when you sing in front of people for real. A nice voice doesn't pair well with a stiff performer." She starts. "But, I think with some practice, you'll be doing just fine. I expect a lot more folks in here now that you're gonna be singing on my stage." 

"D-Does that mean I...?"

"Welcome to showbiz, kid!" Mimzy smirks. You smile brightly at her words, looking to Alastor, you noticed he was just as happy as you were. "See, what did I tell you?" Alastor shrugs. "She's a natural." 

This was really it, you would finally make something of your life. You could finally follow your dream. And it was all thanks to Alastor. You figured you should do something nice for him, after all, he's been so kind to you for all these years.

[marwritesgood]

Stepping on the Last Train

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Hopper!Reader

Summary: Tensions in the Hopper household come to a peak when El runs away under Y/n's supervision.

series masterlist // main masterlist

A/N: this is a side-story (though technically a back-story) to my Steve series, Cardigan. i recommend reading the first two parts of the main storyline, if you haven't already, for better context.

September 18th, 1978

Sara let out a tired yawn as her older sister read the last sentence of her favourite storybook. The hospital bed was the least bit comforting, nothing at all like her bed at home. Sara frowned as her sister closed the book shut.

"The end," Y/n sighed, relieved one of the longest days of her life was finally coming to an end.

Between school, her neglected chores and the daily trips to the hospital, she had barely any time to sleep. Even when she did catch a break, she never could go to sleep. Not when her baby sister was sitting in a cold gloomy hospital room, their parents both a mere shell of the lively people they once were.

Some nights, Y/n would dream the four of them were all dancing in the living again. Her stepping on her dad’s toes as her mum lifted Sara up in the air. On those nights, she could not help but wish she could sleep and dream that forever.

Y/n turned to place the book down on the chair beside the bed, but Sara grasped her arm and stopper her. She huffed, knowing where this was going.

"Again," the little girl spoke softly.

Her big sister's voice was a significant upgrade from the hospital ambiance and the annoying beeps from the heart monitor. The older girl sighed. Those days, it felt like everyone wanted more from her than what little she had left to give.

"No, Sara, I'm really tired."

The young girl pouted, sticking out her bottom lip and staring up at her sister until her eyes watered. She had gone from almost always having her way to not having any say at all. It wasn't fair, they both thought.

"Pleeease, Y/n," she pleaded, weakly grasping onto her sister’s forearm.

Y/n frowned, her heart sinking. Sara huffed defeatedly as her sister leaned in and kissed her temple apologetically.

"It's getting late, Sara bear,” Y/n whispered with a weak smile. Time was no one’s friend in the hospital. “- We should really get some sleep.”

As Y/n shift the hospital bedsheets to sit up, the faint sound of her father's voice could be heard. Her eyes shot up to the silhouette of her parents through window, as their conversation in the corridor escalated just as it always did.

"I'm doing everything I can!”

Hopper threw his hands up in frustration which only infuriated his wife more. Livid, she inched closer with a deathly glare and a horrified expression.

"What, and I'm not?!"

Y/n winced and instantly looked down to Sara. Their parents fighting had become routine now, but she knew that didn’t stop the youngest Hopper from trembling in fear every time.

Y/n shifted back into her original spot and wrapped her arms around her baby sister. What was one more late night, she told her. Sara already had her fair share of things to worry about.

"Let's read it one more time, ok?”

Sara sniffled and looked up to her big sister, nodding her head as she tried to bring herself to smile. Y/n frowned before leaning in and kissing her temple softly. She opened the book to the first page again and made a point of raising her voice and doing extra goofy character voices to drown out the sound of her parents.

***

December 20th, 1983

Y/n gulped down a mouthful of soda as she studied her father from across the room. He said goodnight Eleven and carefully closed shut to the door that Y/n guessed would now be her bedroom.

Once he turned to approach the kitchen table, Hopper met his daughter's hard gaze with glazed over eyes riddled with guilt. He was grateful she waited until he sat down opposite her before ripping him a new one. El needed a decent night's sleep, among so many other things.

His daughter huffed, surrendering the death grip she had on her soda can. How was he so calm and casual about something that impacted their day-to-day lives massively? Y/n leaned in and glared at him with knitted brows.

“What the hell, dad?”

She spoke in hushed tone, yet her voice still projected with a piercing sharpness. Hopper sighed. He knew his daughter well enough to suspect she would not take the news of El moving well. Even so, he couldn't help but hope it bode over a hell of a lot more smoothly.

“Listen, bug, I know-“

Y/n scoffed, cutting whatever explanation he had short.

“Look, I get that she’s alone and needs a safe place to stay," she reasoned. "- but you can’t just take in a child we only met a few weeks ago and just expect me to be on board.”

Hopper pursed his lips as his posture slumped. That was a fair point, one he had always been aware of but chose to overlook. It was easy to do when El looked up at him the way she did.

“I know it’s a big change-"

"It's a massive change," Y/n corrected.

This was a much bigger deal than bringing in a stray cat. Eleven was an entire person who needed and deserved more than what Y/n had been just barely getting by with that last few years.

Hopper leaned back against his chair and ran his hand over his mouth. After a moment's deliberation, he turned to his daughter once more. Y/n felt uneasy as he looked to her with pleading eyes. She knew then he was not going to give up easy, and that only made her feel worse.

"I just thought that maybe after all she's done and all she's been through…” Hopper shook his head, unable to even fathom just how much that little girl had endured.

He looked to his daughter and sighed once more. They could go back and forth all night about what it was that led him to making such a rash decision. However, ultimately, Hopper's reasoning was simple.

“She needs me, bug.”

Y/n winced. Finally, she was able to put her finger on what it was that made her so uneasy. In one chance encounter in the woods, Hopper dropped everything to bring El home. In one encounter, he made the call to step into her life and be a parent with seemingly little hesitation.

Where had this version of him been for the last few years?

Hopper reached out and placed his hand atop Y/n's, causing her to jump. He waited until she finally looked back before pressing further.

“She needs us.”

Y/n stared blankly at him. She blinked a few times then moved her hand away. This was not a movie, or some storybook tale. There were very real factors to account for and very real considerations to make. He needed a cold hard reality check, Y/n told herself.

"You work first thing in the morning and show up drunk in the middle of the night almost every night, dad,.” Y/n’s voice was calm and level, which sent chills down her father’s spine.

He didn’t feel like the parent in their conversation. He felt like a kid sitting in the principal’s office. Y/n sat back and narrowed her eyes, only heightening that very feeling.

"Do you really think your guardianship is what she needs right now?"

Hopper scoffed defensively.

"Hey, now that's not fair.”

He wasn’t new to the parenting scene. Sure, it had been just him and Y/n for a while and sure, he had been asleep at the wheel for a while too. But he was still a parent.

Y/n eyes only narrowed further.

"It isn’t?"

She licked her lips and swallowed thickly. She knew she was in the right, but that did not stop the guilt from creeping in. Maybe there was a nicer way of going about it. Maybe she was being a bit harsh.

Y/n dismissed that train of thought immediately. If not for Eleven’s sake, then it would be for hers. She already had her hands full trying to keep the lights running with just herself and Hopper. Adding another kid into the mix would only complicate things further and Y/n knew if things went south she would be the one to have to step up.

Lord knows he father knew nothing about doing that.

"Look, I don't want El to be out on the streets, but... and I'm not trying to be cruel,” she had to make sure he knew. “I just… I don't see how she's gonna be better off here."

Hopper’s stomach sank as he struggled to think of a decent retort. There was none. Their kitchen was a mess of dirty dishes, half-empty pizza boxes and a plethora of empty and almost-empty beer bottles. Their living room was no improvement. Old boxes Hopper had moved out of the spare room to make space for El, piles of policework and cigarette burns all over their sofa.

Y/n pressed further, though she suspected he was already getting the hint.

“I mean… how do you plan to look after her when you've barely been able to look after yourself the past few years?"

Much less her, the person he was already responsible for.

Y/n had to look away and excuse herself from the table. If she stayed and kept looking at him, she knew she was either going to scream or cry hysterically. Waiting for him to come to his senses was pointless, but she always struggled to resist doing it.

She was still his daughter, after all.

Hopper heard Y/n’s bedroom door close and leaned forqard again, this time putting his head in his hands and lettig out a quiet groan. What had he done? What had he gotten himself into.

Y/n words echoed through his head as he tried to figure out the best way around it. He took a deep breath and resisted the urge to reach for the whiskey he kept in the kitchen cabinet. She was right, he realised.

He hated that she was right.

Balling his hands into a fist, Hopper glanced over once more to the pile of dirty dishes among the mess that was the kitchen. That was one way to start. He let out a huff and then got up from his chair and approached the mess, turning the faucet on and making a start on what he knew would be a long journey and an ongoing process.

If for nothing else, then it was to make sure Y/n thought of him as more than a drunken deadbeat.

***

October 31st, 1984

El looked up to Y/n with glossy eyes and pouted, her shoulders slumping defeatedly. She knew it was a long shot, but Y/n always came to the rescue when El had disagreements with Hopper. She did not thing she was asking for much.

Y/n sighed and glaced past her little sister. She could just make out Steve’s car pulling up to front of the cabin. As much as she hated disappointing El, Y/n did not want to get caught in the crossfire.

"That's Steve. I have to go now.”

She sped past the pouty young girl and reached for her bag from the kitchen table. Before she could make it to the door, El raced to block her path, this time with her hands clutched together pleadingly. That was new.

"Y/n, please,” El cried.

One night. All she wanted was one night out of the cabin doing somethings kids her age were doing. Something Mike was probably doing, though she would never know for sure because of Hopper’s stupid rules. Y/n frowned.

"I'm sorry, El, Hopper already said no."

Usually, Y/n could not care less what Hopper had to say, but when it came to El he was an otherworldly kind of strict. If Hopper banned Steve from coming over for a week after she missed her curfew twice in a row, Y/n dreaded imagining what he would do if she took her little sister out.

"I never leave," El complained, her brows knitting together as her frustration reached an all-time high. If Y/n was not going to take her side, what were the chances that anything was going to be different?

"C'mon, you know I don't agree with him, but I can't just-"

"Please, Y/n.”

Y/n froze for a moment. El sounded different. She didn’t sound like a kid throwing a tantrum because her dad wasn’t letting her go and play.

She sound like a kid who desparately wanted a break. She sounded like someone who needed their big sister. She sounded like Sara. That was enough for Y/n to give in.

"Go put on your costume."

El didn’t need to be told twice before bolting to her room and coming back out with the white bed sheet she had cut out holes into. Y/n could not help but smile as she opened the door for her and followed her out to where the BMW parked.

Steve had been waiting outside, leaning back against the hood of his car. As El came racing out towards him, he instantly stood straight and embraced her as she hugged him excitedly. Y/n smiled nervously as he looked to her in confusion.

"What's going on?"

Y/n shoved her house keys back into her bag and crossed her arms anxiously. It was too late to go back now.

"El wants to go trick or treating,” she explained nervously. Steve toyed with the car keys in his hands as he only felt more puzzled.

"I thought your dad said-"

"It's too dangerous," Y/n nodded. Glancing between her little sister and her boyfriend, she scratched the back of her head. "So- I don't know- I was thinking we could just drive around and El could stay in the backseat and watch? That way no one sees her."

Steve couldn't help but feel bummed their movie plans were being given a rain-check, but one look at El and her adorable costume and he knew he could not say no.

"Yeah, sure.”

He went to open the door for Y/n when he took notice of the way El lowered her head and left out a huff. Even with her expression concealed behind the white sheet, Steve could tell she was disappointed.

He reached his hand out for Y/n's, halting her from getting into the passenger's seat. She turned to him, puzzled.

“Or maybe..." Steve gave El a small smile before turning to her older sister. It would be worth a shot. He gave his wristwatch a once-over. "I mean it’s only 5 o’clock. Muncie's just a little over an hour away, and we don't know anyone there."

Y/n furrowed her brows, unsure whether she felt more startled or touched by what Steve was implicating.

"You wanna drive to Muncie?"

Steve shrugged, as if it was no big deal. To Y/n, it was. He stood behind El and placed his hands on her shoulder, feeling assured he was doing a good thing by the way the young girl was already jumping with excitement.

Maybe it wasn't trick-or-treating with Mike, Lucas, Dustin and Will, but it was a hell of a lot better than sitting in the backseat on the outside looking in.

"I want El to have the full Halloween experience."

"I do too, but it's risky," Y/n argued, folding her arms and taking a step towards the two of them. "What if someone sees her?"

"C'mon, she has the best costume to disguise her," Steve nudged El's shoulder gently, prompting her to lift her hands up.

"Boo!"

"See? Terrifying."

Y/n laughed beneath her breath then pulled Steve closer to her as El stood behind with a hopeful gaze. As much as she wanted to indulge, she could not ignore how risky it would be.

"Steve," she whispered. "If my dad finds out, he's gonna be pissed."

"I’ll get you both home before he gets off work, I promise," Steve assured, snaking his arms around her waist and closing the gap between them almost entirely.

Y/n pursed her lips, still unsure. Steve, not wanting to let El down after already getting her hopes up, pressed a soft kiss against his girlfriend's temple and then leaned his against hers until she met his eyes.

"Please, baby?"

Her knees weakened. Something about the way he called her baby always seemed to have that effect on Y/n. As if she was not already convinced, a small hand tugged on the bottom of her t-shirt.

"Yeah, please, Y/n?"

With two pair of eyes glued onto her, Y/n felt completely cornered. How was she to say no to the two people she loved most? Letting out a sigh, she playfully rolled her eyes and uncrossed her arms.

"Ok, fine."

El hugged her briefly before speeding to the BMW, where Steve stood holding both right-side doors open. Y/n was glad he brought up the idea of going to Muncie. El deserved a normal kid-experience. Maybe they could even make a habit of it.

Steve upheld his promise and got both Hopper girls home safe well before Hopper was due back. While Y/n turned in early, El stayed awake. Between the bucket of candy she had to hide in her closet and the numerous exchanges she had with kids and other families, she was awestruck. El didn't know when or how.

All she knew was that she wanted to go again, and soon.

***

November 10th, 1984

Hopper's truck was already parked outside the cabin when Steve pulled up with Y/n in the passenger seat. She mumbled a curse beneath her breath, dreading having to leave the car. She leaned back against the headrest and squeezed her eyes shut.

“My dad’s gonna kill me.”

This was beyond missing curfew or letting El outside in broad daylight. After their massive argument and broken television, Hopper stressed that his eldest keep an extra close eye on his youngest. And now she was nowhere to be found. There was no telling how Hopper was going to react.

She tried not to think about the worst case scenario. Just the situation in itself made her a nervous wreck. Feeling helpless, Steve reached for her hand and held onto it firmly.

“We can keep looking, baby," he spoke softly. If she wanted him to drive her halfway across the country, he would. There was very little he hated more than seeing her so upset.

“It’s no use,” Y/n huffed defeatedly. “We’ve looked everywhere.”

There was no other place in Hawkins she could think of that they had not already been to. Even if there was a place they had missed, it had been hours now. There was a greater chance El was out of Hawkins entirely, maybe even Indiana.

Y/n unbuckled her seatbelt and sat up straight. The longer she stayed in Steve's car, the more time she would have to psych herself out.

It was time to face the music.

“Do you want me to come inside with you?”

Steve's offer caught her by surprise. She smiled weakly and shook her head. Showing up with Steve would only agitate Hopper more given how much he already had against him.

“It’s ok."

Y/n waited until Steve was out of the driveway before going inside. The cabin was eerily silent, so much so Y/n was beginning to think Hopper was in his room. The she turned to the kitchen.

“Where is she?”

Hopper ascended from the shadows of their dimly lit kitchen until he and Y/n stood facing each other from opposite ends of the kitchen table. He crossed his arms and waited for a response, though he already knew the answer.

“Dad, I can explain,” Y/n whimpered quietly.

However, before she could even start, Hopper was muttering something about a report a woman made to the station with a description that matched El to a tee.

“What the hell happened?”

His voice was chillingly level, in a way that made Y/n's chest hurt.

“I came home from school with Steve, and El was still really upset and she asked me for some eggos, but we had none left. So I told her I would be super quick, and I was!”

Hopper furrowed his brows.

“You left her?”

“For five minutes, dad,” Y/n reasoned, her voice breaking. Suddenly, she felt like a little kid again. “Steve and I drove to the nearest store, got some eggos and came back but she was already gone.”

If it weren't for Steve suggesting different solutions, Y/n would have probably been on her knees crying and hyperventilating for hours. She looked to her dad and hoped he would at least acknowledge how distressing that must have been, but his expression was unchanged.

He was still looking at her like she was a sorry excuse of a person. Like she should have been the one missing, not El.

“And you didn’t call me?”

Y/n winced. Steve suggested doing that, but the prospect of it terrified her.

“I thought maybe she wouldn’t have gotten that far yet," Y/n defended, though it was a mere half-truth. "- so Steve and I drove around looking for her.”

“How could you be so irresponsible?"

She clenched her jaw. He did not have the right to say that to her. Not with his track record. Even so, Y/n bit her tongue. Escalating the situation was the last thing she needed, but he was sure testing her.

“If you had kept an eye on her, she would have never left," Hopper added, inching closer and narrowing his eyes at his daughter.

He could not believe it. The one person he thought he could always count on let him down massively. Adding insult to injury, she scoffed at him. Hopper's blood was boiling.

“Well, maybe if you had given her a bit of freedom she wouldn’t feel the need to retaliate by running away," Y/n hissed. Had he already forgotten the very reason he and El fought just a mere day ago?

“Don’t turn this around on me," Hopper growled, pointing his index finger at her. She was toeing the line of going too far, something she once never did but seemed to make a habit of in recent years. "I'm not the one who lost her.”

“No, of course not," Y/n laughed dryly, her tone saturated in a sarcasm that only angered her father more. "You can never do any wrong, all your rules are completely reasonable and not at all controlling.”

“El never disobeyed my rules until you started encouraging her to," Hopper argued pointedly.

"You mean until I listened to her and encouraged her to exercise her freedom of choice?”

“Since when does lashing out at and keeping secrets from their dad fall under freedom of choice?”

Y/n rolled her eyes. Did he not know anything about teenaged girls? Maybe if he was sober when she was 13 he would have even a semblance of a clue as to what El was going through.

“Oh my god, fine!" Y/n yelled. "- sue me for thinking a 13 year old girl should have a bit privacy and be allowed to say how she feels.”

“Don’t do that," Hopper shook his head, doubling back. "You don’t have a monopoly over knowing what’s best for El, I know a thing or two about raising a teenager.”

He was still the parent, Hopper told himself. That had to count for something.

Y/n stared at him, bewildered. He really believed that, didn't he? She knew then any attempt she could make at convincing him otherwise would be in vain. She shook her head.

“But you have no idea what its like being a teenage girl," she pointed out. "- especially one that has to live with you, because let me tell you…”

She stopped herself. While she found great satisfaction in ripping her father a new one, now was not the time. Not with El missing and her father still oblivious as to what could have compelled her to leave.

Hopper narrowed his eyes.

“Go on," he retorted.

Y/n sighed. This was about El.

“She had questions, dad." Y/n voice and expression softened. “- Questions about where she came from and what she can do and how long she has to stay cooped up in here, and all you do is give her vague answers or no answers at all, and it just…”

She tried to find the right words. She tried to think of a way of getting the message across without provoking him further, or making him defensive.

“You know, living with you and… and being your daughter, it’s…” Y/n shook her head. Maybe there wasn't a nice way of going about it. She looked to him and let out a huff. “You make it really hard sometimes.”

Hopper's brows rose, taken aback. He nodded his head, and for a second Y/n let herself be convinced that he got it. That he finally got it. But then he clenched his jaw and suddenly his gaze became a cold glare.

“Yeah well, being your dad hasn’t been all that great either either.”

Regret seeped in the very instant the words left his lips. Hopper inhaled sharply, watching his daughter intently, terrified of another screaming match. It would be two nights in a row.

However, Y/n did not scream at him. She didn’t even flinch. Hopper didn't think it was possible but, somehow, that left him feeling a hundred times worse. Y/n shrugged her shoulders with a deflated frown. She had only one response.

“You stopped being my dad years ago.”

There was no other emotion in her voice, only exhaustion. She could never understand how he had it in him to say such horrid things to her. Perhaps there was time where she would have become livid by him saying what he did, but Y/n had little to nothing left in her.

They could go back and fourth as long as they wanted, but what use would it be? It would always end the same way; with Y/n walking away even more hurt and traumatised than she already was.

***

February 20th, 1986

“You got kids, American?"

Hopper's train of thought was swiftly intercepted as the Russian man seated next to him waited expectedly. He nodded once.

"Two girls," Hopper stated shortly.

He leaned back against the stone wall behind him and closed his eyes. If he tried, he could picture the two of them in his head and it would feel real enough to give him some comfort. It was the way he kept himself grounded and determined to stay alive.

"My youngest, she’s great," he explained, smiling to himself as he remembered El.

He recalled the way she kept him on his toes and brought so much light into his life. He could not remember how long it had been since their last movie night. He wondered how long her hair was now. God, did he miss her. Both of them.

"And my oldest? My god..." Hopper opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling. His Y/n was really something. What he would give to see her again. "- She’s the spitting image of her mom, but she’s got my stubbornness."

No description could do her justice, but in simple words that was Y/n in a nutshell. All the best part of her mother and all the rough edges of her dad. Hopper knew that was part of the reason they butted heads so often.

He also knew he shouldered the rest of the blame for that.

“I was supposed to be the parent, but…” Hopper sighed, his shame getting the best of him as he remembered all he did wrong and how she always put up with it. “- Every step of the way she’s been the one looking out for me, keeping things in line and… calling me out on my bullshit.”

It was never fair, he knew that. He knew he should have never put her in a position where she had to be the one keeping the lights running and keeping him in check. Yet, even so, she did it.

She was resilient and patient and forgiving when she had every reason to be vengeful and leave him in the dumps.

“And she’s become one hell of a kid… in spite of me. Not because."

Maybe he would tell her that, if he ever made it home to her and El. Hopper tried not to think about it too much. In order to get home, he needed to get out of whatever hellhole he was in. In order to do that, he needed to stay alive long enough to figure out how.

***

i do not give permission for any of my works to be copied, translated or reposted onto another site.

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@littlepadfootmoony @geeksareunique @agustdeeyaa @babygirlwilly @rqmanoff @midnightsgetawaycar @ilovereadingfanfics-blog @lou-la-lou @dickgraysonspersonalwhore @starkleila

[elly99]

Phoning

Part 3 of 5. Check here for more details.

Monday 21:57

Things haven't been quite the same There's a haze on the horizon, babe It's only been a couple of days and I miss you

Your thoughts still linger on the conversation you had yesterday.

"It won't always be this way, baby. I promise. It might take years, but this is worth fighting for."

As much as you felt reassured by her words, you can't hold back that feeling of longing. That wistfulness.

You wish you could wake up to her every morning. You wish you could be backstage at each one of her shows or support her at each one of her rehearsals. You wish you didn't have to talk through a screen every night, though you were grateful for every second that you could.

In other words, you miss her. A lot.

"Did you like the breakfast I made you? I was in a bit of a rush, but I hope it was still ok."

"It was perfect, baby. You're the sweetest. Thanks again! Wish you woke me up before you left, though."

"Well, I did give you a kiss before leaving. Thought you'd wake up, but I guess you were too tired."

"You did?"

"Mmhmm."

Damn it. Why didn't you wake up?

"Well, when you come on Saturday I'll kiss you back."

"You better."

"And I'll make you breakfast, too! Anything you want in particular?"

"I'll love whatever you make. I just want to be home with you."

"Aww, look at you being all sweet, bro."

The way she squeals, cringing at her own words.

"Hey, why are you hiding!"

Even with her face behind her hands, she's glowing. And you're in love.

A few minutes of laughter pass. Then that feeling in your chest returns as you realize she has to go.

"Hey, I have an early day tomorrow, so I should probably get some sleep."

"Ok. Sleep well, love. I miss you. I can't wait for you to come back home."

You wish you didn't have to say those words anymore.

"It's only been a day! You miss me already?"

"I don't know. It must be some side effect of loving you."

"That's probably why I miss you, too."

Tuesday 22:23

When nothing really goes to plan You stub your toe or break your camera I'll do everything I can to help you through

After another long day, there's nothing better than hearing her voice again.

"Hey, cutie! How are you?"

The way she drives you crazy within five seconds of picking up the phone. Through the blushing and the giggles you manage to reply.

"Hey, sweetie. I'm good! Just had a lot to do today, so I'm pretty tired. How about you?"

"Same. I could really go for some ice cream right now. And I wish you were here."

"I'd feed you all the ice cream you want if I were there, baby."

What you wouldn't give to be by her side right now.

"Oh! I should get you some for when you come home this weekend. Any requests?"

"Mmm, surprise me! You know my favorites anyway."

"You're my favorite, Minji-yah~."

As much as she knows how to pull at your heartstrings, you know how to get her right back. And you love the way she looks when she's shy.

"I dropped my phone today, by the way."

"Oh no! How did it happen?"

"I was just being dumb."

"But you didn't hurt yourself, right?"

"No, but the screen's all cracked. You still look just as pretty through the broken glass, though. How do you do that, Minji-yah?"

"Shut up, babe."

But she's smiling as she says it. You know she loves when you call her that. And yet with one look at the way her eyes light up, it's you that's falling for her all over again.

"I bet it's not even broken. You were just looking for an excuse to set up that line."

"As if I need an excuse to call you pretty, pretty girl."

"Oh my gosh, go to sleep. I can't deal with you right now."

"But I don't wanna! I wanna spend more time with my girlfriend."

"You said you were tired!"

"I'll never get tired of you, though."

She buries her head in her hands and you find it absolutely adorable.

"You make everything better, Kim Minji."

Wednesday 23:54

If you're feeling down, I just wanna make you happier, baby Wish I was around, I just wanna make you happier, baby

"Hey, it's getting late! Aren't you sleepy yet?"

"No, not really."

"How much coffee did you have today?"

"Probably too much."

"Minji-yah, even Bunnies are telling you to drink less!"

"I know. But I wanna be able to stay up with you. Spending time with you at night makes me so happy."

You want to continue chiding her but your fluttering heart chokes back any words that try to escape your mouth.

"By the way, how did you know that Bunnies have been telling me to drink less coffee?"

"Um, cuz I'm a Bunny, too, you know. I'm always on Phoning reading the chats. Did you forget that I'm your biggest fan, baby?"

"Well, I just didn't think you'd pay that much attention to the little things."

"It's the little things that make me love you even more, Minji. The way you're so sweet and kind to everyone. The way you look out for your fans and make sure to support them. You're incredible."

"Yah."

A little flustered, she struggles to find the right counter to your attack. In the end she resorts to the simple words that knock you out every single time.

"I love you."

"I love you, baby bear. Speaking of love, I remembered you said in one of your Phoning calls that 'love' is one of your favorite words."

"Mmhmm. 'With love, anything is possible.' I said something like that, right?"

You nod.

"I thought that was really cute."

"I was thinking about us when I said that."

Thursday 23:48

We've been doing all this late night talking 'Bout anything you want until the morning Now you're in my life, I can't get you off my mind

"It's almost midnight, babe. Sleeping soon?"

"It's hard sleeping without you. I just wanna cuddle."

Her pouting makes you want to punch something and scream. Damn, she's so adorable.

"Just cuddle with Hanni! I saw you two in your latest video."

You pout back.

"Aww, is my baby jealous?"

Yes. Yes, you were.

"No! What makes you think that?"

"You can't hide it from me, cutie. Don't worry, though. It's almost Saturday. I'll be there to spoon you soon enough. Then you won't have to be jealous of Hanni."

"Hey! I wasn't jealous, though..."

"You really are cute. Here, hold my hand."

She holds out her hand in front of the camera, then squeezes the air. You do the same.

"You have really pretty hands. Have I told you that before?"

"Why are you being so sweet? Are you trying to kill me, bro?"

"You do the same to me all the time. It's only fair."

"I adore you, Minji-yah."

"Right back at you, bro. Hey, we should probably try and sleep now. Before you know it, it'll be 3:00 in the morning."

"Just like the Hype Boy lyric."

"Baby~"

She got you feeling so crazy.

Friday 21:36

Can't get you off my mind Can't get you off my mind I won't even try to get you off my mind

"Look what I bought today! I'll give it to you tomorrow."

"Aww, that's so cute! I love its little nose. Almost as cute as yours."

Making her shy once again, she holds the bunny up to cover her face slightly.

"What should we name it?"

"How about 'Tokki'? Simple is best."

"That sounds good. What about you? Can I call you 'bunny'?"

The sudden attack catches you off guard. It seems your calls this week have just been filled with attempts to assassinate each other with affection. You struggle to respond.

"Since you call me 'baby bear', I'll call you 'bunny'."

You're still too busy dying to answer her.

"I'll take that as a 'yes', then."

She has a smirk on her face, knowing she got you good. You can only nod.

"How was your day, baby? What did you do? Were you happy today?"

"Um, I watched some of your videos. So, yes, I was very happy."

"Oh, what did you watch?"

"I rewatched your ELLE photoshoot and I lost my mind. Again! How are you so pretty, Minji-yah? Like, it should be illegal for someone to be that beautiful. My chest was hurting for thirteen minutes straight!"

She giggles in response.

"How's my girlfriend so amazing?"

"You're amazing, baby."

For a few moments you just smile at each other, love swelling in your eyes. Then you feel it in your heart as you realize you'll see her tomorrow.

"I can't wait to see you, Minji. I still owe you that kiss."

"And I can't wait for my breakfast."

"Wow. So you're not excited to see me? You just want food?"

"Yup, I'm just in it for the ice cream, actually."

You try to put on a disappointed look, but just thinking about being with her again has you smiling relentlessly.

"In fact, I'm so excited for it that I'm going to sleep now, so I can get there early tomorrow. Tokki says 'good night'!"

"Good night, Tokki! And good night, Minji baby. I love you so much!"

"I love you more, my bunny! I'll see you in the morning."

And you know you'll see the morning before you get any sleep. Because you just can't get her off your mind.

[booksandpaperss]

kind of obsessed with the fact you've slowly gotten more blatant with heartstopper hate lmfao😭 it's like. fine to me it's cute but NOTHING SERIOUS IS EVER GOING ON so I gotta be in a really specific mood for it I still haven't watched s2. definitely couldn't be a fixation. and everyone fucking loves it it's the best thing since sliced bread and I'm like. why tho. and then any critique of it is sorta dumbed down to "oh you just don't like how sweet it is but teenagers deserve sweet romance" like ok but why's it gotta be boring though. and too healthy like beyond normal levels of healthy. like this is missing even the usual human levels of miscommunication. and it gets resolved too easy. sorry this was supposed to cut off 4 sentences ago I'm realizing now in your inbox that I apparently have beef with heartstopper

LKSSJJSJS LISTEN listen. I don’t even hate it. truly. I even genuinely enjoyed myself during the nick and Charlie parts bc that’s the part that thought is actually put into. I just hate how much everyone loves it so blindly

honestly my biggest beef with it is that it’s marketed and treated as the most genuine and diverse groundbreaking queer storyline there is when that’s literally so far from true and it really really shows ppls true colors when they think this bc the sapphics and POC are literal props it’s actually absurd for a show that’s supposed to be a safe space for queer ppl

and god do I hate that part of the reason it’s so popular is bc it portrays these queer teenagers as never having a single, physical thought in their entire life. there was this whole plot centered around one single hickey that Charlie had??? and something abt the physical attraction portion of it all, which they did try to show btw, felt disingenuous to me. and I know that’s why it’s so palatable to a mainstream audience and it pisses me off and again it just doesn’t feel genuine. which is ironically one of the main arguments against heartstopper criticism: “it’s not cringe it’s just earnest” when yeah maybe it’s Trying to be earnest but when u look at it from more than a surface level lens it’s not rlly succeeding

and I know the aroace storyline in season 2 with Isaac resonated with a lot of people and I think that’s wonderful, and I actually do think that was something that was done well, but how can you have a storyline around asexuality when you don’t show the contrast in how it is being an allosexual queer person. there was a whole lot of romantic attraction going on but even more tip toeing around the sexual attraction aspect. and I don’t expect it to be like sex education for example in terms of the focus on sex obv , but the lack of acknowledgment of that aspect of the queer experience paired with how much the uwu wholesomeness of it all is played up rlly rubs me the wrong way. once again: it feels dishonest

I was actually talking about this with one of my mutuals the other day and they pointed out that it is very plain that alice olseman did not consult a single queer man in the writers room. and if someone can prove this wrong be my guest but I rlly don’t think the whole physical attraction component would have been done so badly had an actual queer man been on the team. feels kind of like back in summer 2022 when byler shippers would literally shun and harass anyone who even implied that Will’s feelings for Mike probably included physical attraction meanwhile Noah Schnapp himself was making jokes about it bc he’s an actual gay teenager.

not gonna even get into right now how Tara and darcy felt even more like props this season than in the last one and I didn’t even like watching their scenes bc the writing itself felt performative. that’s a whole other post.

and man, wouldn’t it have been so nice if there had actually been people of color in that writers room. On a purely surface level heartstopper has a very diverse cast but once again, peel away even one layer and you realize it’s a bunch of tokenism, which brings me full circle back to my original point: you can’t say it’s peak representation and diversity when it’s whitewashed as hell and doesn’t gaf abt sapphics despite literally being written by one. guess she chose her whiteness over her queerness even when writing a queer story which wowwww sooooo original.

okayyyy anyways did NOT mean to write a whole essay but u discovering ur own beef reminded me of mine lmaooo

all of this was to say that basically I’m not gonna pretend I didn’t enjoy myself during parts of the show, and I don’t wanna shame ppl for liking it that is not at all what I’m trying to do here, it has its own place in queer media and if a show like this came out in like 2010 it would be groundbreaking despite its issues (but again it’s literally 2023 do fucking better) , but I take issue with people treating it like something it’s not and with the amount of love it gets I feel like I have to be really loud about my criticism of it, especially bc usually the criticism of the show that gets any attention isn’t even slandering it for the right reasons and like. if ur gonna hate on something queer and popular do it right

oh and heartstopper writers? maybe try speaking with an actual teenager once in your life before writing their dialogue they do not fucking communicate that well

okay I’m done now finally 🫡

[smallgronk]

Warning: really long wordy and idk how coherent rant ahead. Proceed with caution lmao

I don't even know how to start my rant but here goes. I haven't been using Tumblr for very long, but it has been incredible. I've met a lot of cool people, and learned a lot of cool things about myself. But I hate how the cycle of dysphoria seems to work. It is so exhausting. When I started my account I still went by he/him everywhere, I even said that in my bio or whatever. The longer I stuck around though, and the more I enjoyed the sapphic side of Tumblr the more I wished it applied to me? And at first I dipped my toes in by removing the masc signifiers and letting people draw their own conclusions. And when someone called me a girl for the first time? That was a strange experience. The longer it went on though the more I realized that it seemed right. I got more comfortable with my spot and didn't feel like I was "lying" to people or invading a place that wasn't for me. Cuz even when I would tell people they were cool with it? (Because obviously, almost everyone in my circle here is trans of course they get it.)

And everything about that is fantastic! But I've realized as soon as I made that step, the first time someone treated me like a girl... I changed. All the little things that I thought I was ok with are suddenly excruciating. I had sexted with someone with ease, but showing my face when I had some stubble? Unthinkable. And my voice, dear God my voice. It felt like I would shatter the "illusion" or something. Even if I disclosed to people ahead of time. There was no secret.

The real problem though is what has happened irl. I've always been a bit of a shut in (not by choice, situation), but I haven't spoken to any of my friends in days. Normally I'm in chat everyday at least for a minute. The thought of going and being Him for a bit when I could instead be my little trans self on Tumblr? Eww. So I just don't join. These are people who know I'm trans! I just haven't changed how I identify to them or whatever.

Everytime I start to think about it I'm just so overwhelmed. I told two people to refer to me differently and even that has crushed me. And I haven't even interacted with them since! I don't know if I'm more scared that I won't like it...or that I will. It will just be one more thing on my fucking to do list. I need to find some more queer people to hang with irl cuz it has been so rewarding, but just too distant I feel like I'm going insane. I simultaneously have the closest connection I've ever felt with a community and yet am crippled by the weight of the loneliness.

I've opened Pandora's box, and I was not prepared for it. I was a lurker on Reddit! I was just trying to be horny damn it. I wanted to bust a nut and chat with cute people for once so maybe I could stop being so inexperienced and now I've lost the comfort of my situation. I knew in the back of my head I was going to do all of these steps at some point probably but I NEED MORE TIME. I have to wait for eight different kinds of appointments before I can even think about it increasing my hrt because of my health conditions and some of them feel so far away.

And if I want to go to someone for comfort (which is already something I struggle so hard with!) There are always roadblocks. The people on Tumblr who I feel I could reach out to can only give me so much, it's over the internet. It is a great supplement to relationships but can only go so far without lots of work around. The people irl? Most of them don't even know about any of this and aren't in the know about queer stuff so I'd have to talk and explain so much. And the people I fully came out to? I'm not ready to face the emotions of them referring to me differently. And all of these have solutions mainly, but the issue. They all take work. And I'm exhausted. And I'm so upset. I don't want to do it. Right now at least. I just need some more time I'm getting there and figuring things out but I need more time.

Even posting this makes me feel sick to my stomach. Like I'm being overly dramatic. Which is silly, cuz if someone else felt this way I wouldn't even dream of anything but to give em a hug and let them cry it all out. I feel like I've stopped existing in the real world. Ive always struggled with dissociation but this is a whole other level. (Also people who are faking something don't typically question themselves lmao. That's just imposter syndrome.)

This was always one of my biggest fears when it came to transition. That I would be right. That it would flip a switch and make me miserable the moment I saw the other side. And I know it would get better. But until that tunnel breaks it would be unbearable.

And maybe I will feel better tomorrow. But even that sounds like forever away right now. I need a hug.

[theatreslave]

I don't know why I'm writing this.

But I'm the lowest I've been in awhile.

I was alone at work yesterday, my boss out sick with her kid. Hours spent alone. Waiting on calls and emails. Sending messages on my phone to men on dating apps who don't care about me. Sending distant messages to my best friend a state over.

I realized that my phone, the contacts, are full of people who haven't spoken to me in days, weeks, months. some even years. Why do I keep their numbers? Maybe I hope one day they will remember me.

I went home and got dressed for the gym. But I didn't want to pretend to be ok around all those people. I also didn't want to be the fat girl crying at the gym. So I laid down on my living room floor and listened to the silence.

My parents were out, at a casino, for the 100th time it seemed. My mother still can't say no to my father. He throws away what little retirement money he has, complains about losing, and then expects me to help.

Neither of them know I had a different man in my bed last night. Someone they would never meet and someone I probably won't see again. They don't know that I don't know how to look for love without giving my body away. So many hands have touched this body but so few have meant it out of love. Maybe none.

I laid on that floor and felt my fingertips, palms, wrists, forearms, biceps, back, thighs, calves, feet and toes. But back to my wrists. My Wrists my wrists my wrists and I imagine how my mother's cutco knife would so easily slice through my skin and for a second I could feel it.

I wept, I curled into a ball on that floor and felt the loneliness bubble to the surface and drown me. I grasped at the floor for something to keep me here. My own breathing scared me. I had no one who would come running if I told them I needed them.

I told the boy I wished would talk more that it wouldn't be his fault when he finds out what happened to me. There was nothing wrong with him. He just wasn't giving enough to me. To someone who needed a stronger hand to keep me here.

My nose was stuffed shut and running. I couldn't see through my tears while I walked to my kitchen and pulled out the knife I had imagined. I looked at it's sharp edge and cried harder. I gripped it in a fist and before I could draw blood and threw it down on the counter and fell to my knees. In my mind I saw myself on the floor, surrounded by blood, and finally at rest.

But my grandma came out of here room and I rushed back into the living room and threw myself face down on my couch. I told her I was trying to nap when she asked. I got angry when she asked about the cats dinner, she had forgotten that she had watched me feed them an hour earlier. I cursed her silently for asking me if I wanted to heat up the rice for dinner.

When she shut herself behind her door I stood up again. I walked to the kitchen and took the knife with me to my bedroom. I laid in bed with it in my hands in the dark. I was sobbing. Loneliness must hurt worse than a knife piercing skin, I thought. It had to be. If I locked the door then my grandma wouldn't find me until maybe morning. My parents would probably assume I was asleep and not check until they don't hear me shuffling around for work in the morning.

I wonder how they would regret leaving me alone. I wonder how they would regret making me feel like a child. The sharp edge of the knife against my palm, nearly breaks skin and i drop it to the bed. I can't breathe through my nose again. So I drag myself out of my messy bed and sit at the dresser.

I turn on the vanity light and look into the eyes of my reflection. Eyes bloodshot and swollen and pathetic. I grab the thin brown tissues and try to free my airways. Still watching my sadness in bright light reflecting back at me.

Then I start to pick at all the scabs and pimples I can find on my face. I tear at the wart I've been trying to rid myself of for months. I try to make it hurt more than usual as I pull at my skin. Maybe this pain will be enough to not turn back to the knife. But I'm still crying. I'm angry now. Angry that I am still here when I had been talked out of ending it so many times.

I remember that my bestfriend told me that if I didn't call him before I killed myself he would haunt me in reverse. So I call him. I put the call on speaker and lay in darkness in my bed, gripping the knife handle. He answers and I don't speak. He asks again for me and I don't have the will to respond. He thinks the call is dropped or wrong. He hangs up and calls me. I answer on speaker again and I don't want to reply. But I do.

And I weep. I cry. I tell him how tired I am. I tell him I have a knife. I tell him I'm so tired of being alone. Of having no one. I'm so sad that he isn't even here to physically stop me. I tell him I called because he made me promise to call him before I do it. He tries to joke but I know he is scared. I lay the knife down but he still knows its there.

I don't remember what all we talked about. He tries to distract me with topics that are the opposite of detached and boring. He tries to get a rise out of me. He listens to me rid myself of the built up mess of my tears and my stuffed nose. He doesn't comment on it. He's heard me like this before. I know it scares him. He doesn't know how much I appreciate him for not leaving me. For not abandoning me.

It's dark outside and I haven't eaten since noon. I don't want to eat but he convinces me to order something even if I don't eat it. I tell him when my parents are gone I order using my mums card, like a little bit of payback for choosing a sin over being with me. But I don't blame them. Not really. I never know when days like this will come. I cannot warn them. I cannot beg for them to be there when I need them because I don't know when I will.

He stays on the line while I wait for my food. I had filled and emptied my door dash cart several times and decided on food that I wasn't really interested in. He hears me get up and I put the knife away. He still asks if I did or not. He knows I know how to lie.

But I'm good this time. I put it away. I sit on the couch, half listening to whatever he says while thinking about how disappointed I am that I'm not bleeding. The food arrives and he says goodbye. He tells me he appreciates me. He tells me he loves me. He tells me to text him when I wake up in the morning. I know he needs to know that I didn't change my mind when he hangs up.

The guy from earlier messages me and asks if I'm ok. Asks why I never mentioned my depression when we hung out. I tell him I don't feel it when I have someone with me. That I wanted him to be there but he's too distant. he says he cares and I don't believe him. No one has given me a reason to believe men who only text me when they want to see me.

I make myself eat the rolled tacos, covered in cheese and lettuce and meat and sour cream. I add the home made pico de gallo from my lunch that I never ate. I try to make myself feel better about all the calories now that I am ravenous. I eat it all. 5 tacos. They aren't that good. They are dry and I wish there was more meat. I wish I had bought something different. But I chose this because it was cheap even though I had made my mum pay for it.

I distract my eyes with a podcast that makes me laugh on my normal days. It keeps my attention enough to not aimlessly scroll on dating apps hoping for something and someone that won't come.

I feel sick. I feel too full. I make myself drink soda and water and not throw up. I change out of the gym clothes that didn't get to serve their purpose. My cats circle and I take them to the rooms they sleep in. I wash my face and make sure the water is cold. Hoping it will remind me what being alive feels like.

I hate myself for not showering like I planned. I feel like my hair is made of oil and my skin stinks. It probably doesn't but it's still another failure. I put on my cpap and lay in bed, window open, fan on, trying to find sleep. I toss and turn and feel like i'm being punished for letting myself feel this sad. I hear my parents come home. I can see the light in the hallway illuminate the outline of my door.

I wonder if I locked it. I wonder if my parents will check on me. Their grown but still a child daughter. They don't. They go to bed and don't bother. They trust me more than they should.

Now I know that they wouldn't have found me until the next morning. It is not comforting. I am uncomfortable and feel like my skin is too warm. I want to sleep. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. I wish someone would hold me here. Hold me so I don't try to disappear.

I count fingers. I count sheep. I feel how crooked my shoulders are. I feel how dry my feet are. My cat swats at my ankles when I get too close. God please let me sleep. I don't know when I stopped counting.

I woke up late this morning. I made myself shower, hoping I will feel alive enough to not cry in front of my parents. They don't notice that I am more quiet than usual.

Now I'm here. 'working' my head has been pounding and I know I'm dehydrated. But spelling this all out is all I can think about. I hope it will make me feel better. But i'm aware I'm skipping lunch. I should eat. I live from meal to meal it seems.

I don't know why I'm still here.

I want to disappear.

I already don't exist.

I want it all to end.

But I have a kindle coming in the mail today.

I should use it at least before I go.

[oh-no-a-whovian]

WIP snippets/ sneak peeks

Despite my claws final part

Marcus groaned, rolling over to glare at you for setting something to go off at that ungodly hour. He paused when he saw the look on your face as you stared at the notification.

“what’s wrong?” he questioned sleepily, placing his hand on your pregnant belly.

“We just got on the train…” you whispered, glancing to the man lying in the bed beside you. a couple years ago this would have felt like great news, finally getting to go back to the little warehouse you’d made home. But now? You haven’t changed much over the past three years, but you still made a home here with Marcus. Will you be expected to be on your best behaviour the moment you set foot back in America? He hasn’t exactly trying to make you change…

Lavender perfume PT2

“I’m not sure you should go through with your appointment today, [Y/N]. he’s been acting up for nearly an hour now.” Smith says as she glances at the sealed door. “we’re not sure it’s safe.”

“I think I’ll make that decision but thank you for the warning, smith.” You her, nodding to the door for them to open it.

The room is darker than usual as you step inside, the smell of lavender fills the air, wafting in from the vents. 049 is lying on his bed, his hands clasped atop his stomach.

“Are you ok?” you ask gently as you step further in, unsure if he’d noticed your entry. To your surprise he sits up quickly at the sound of your voice, propping himself up on his elbows to look at you.

“you’re late, are you okay? I was starting to worry” he asks, standing to approach you.

11th doctor X reader

You feel a shift in the air as you take your seat before the fire pit, ready to start your prophecies for the day.   

You dip your fingers into the dishes either side of you, the flowers and scented oils floating on the surface sticking to your skin. You flick the excess into the flames, filling the air with scented steam that wafts around the candles scattered around the room.

You nod toward the temple guard, and he opens the door, allowing the day’s desperate pilgrims to enter for their prophecies.  As the first person enters, taking a seat across your fire, you push away the new feeling. A serene smile spreads across your lips and you begin to answer their questions.

the bad batch x reader

“All clear” another voice responds to your right, the opposite side of the clearing to the other. You look up at him as he approaches. He’s covered head to toe in what almost looks like clone armour, colour grey with segments of red. He slings a sniper rifle over his shoulder as he squats down beside you, making no effort to help you. “You sure she’s who we’re here for?” he asks, his helmet tilting up toward the other person. “she doesn’t seem like a powerful jedi”

“Yes.” The other man grunts as he pulls the beast off of you. you hiss as you move your leg, pain throbbing throughout the limb. “[Y/N], right?” he asks as he kneels beside your leg, tying a length of cloth above your knee to slow the blood flow.

“yeah” you affirm as you lift yourself up onto your elbows. You close your eyes, trying to breathe through the pain.

“How long have you been here?” Crosshair asks, your bag and lightsabre in his hand as he steps out from your cave. You hadn’t even noticed him stand from beside you, let alone walk off into the cave.

“Little over two months.” You reply, watching the other man as he stands and offers you a hand to help you up.

(haven't decided how many of the bad batch i want it to be)

A/N: other things in the works mentally but not enough on page to do a peek.

Feel free to send an ask if you wanna know more!! 😊

[alexafaie-asd]

It took me a while to figure out that my bipolar disorder mood swings, particularly to mania were caused by stuff more closely linked to my being autistic than bipolar.

All the support group stuff was focused on stressors and whenever I suggested stuff, they said I didn't understand what they meant - they didn't mean getting overwhelmed by sensory stuff (granted I just listed the sensory things didn't explicitly say overwhelmed since we were just making a list so I thought that bit was a given), they meant actual stressful things. Or stuff that causes anxiety in general. None of the stuff I listed "counted" as bipolar triggers.

Wasn't until I had a massive meltdown in one of the sessions (including S.I.B) that they considered that something else might be going on too. And then they realised that yeah, maybe for me my stressors aren't ones NTs would experience as triggers for their mood episodes, but given the difference in brain wiring they very much are for me.

And the fun bit is there's only so much you can do to control for sensory sensitivities. Like the sound of the boiler running is a massive issue for me, however I can't wear ear defenders to block out the noise because they press on my glasses too much which causes a different bunch of sensory issues, they amplify the sound of my blood rushing through me which is also a Bad Sound, they don't fit right so need holding on to stop them falling off (I'm an adult with a tiny head so they don't fit). Can't do earplugs due to the blood rushing sound, plus my EDS causes my ear canal to collapse under the pressure so it feels like something trying to suck my brain out through my ears... And can't just not have the heating on when needed because I have Reynaud's Syndrome and it really fucking hurts to have your extremities respond like they're trying to save your life in the arctic by cutting off blood flow. You know, how you might lose a finger or toe, but if it keeps your core warm to do that, you might survive the cold. Except in my case my body does that when the temperature drops below 24C and/or there is a breeze which my body can interpret as cooling temperature. So it can even happen when its 30C+.

But what has helped was me trying CBD oil. I'd read some journal articles on research into using CBD oil to help with bipolar disorder because it can act as both an antidepressant, but most importantly like an antimanic agent too. There were also studies on it helping with anxiety. So since I'd had bad reactions to every med I'd been trialled on for bipolar disorder and was kinda running out of options I thought it was worth a try. And the psychiatrist I saw at the time thought it was ok to try as the doses were so low in what you can buy as "food supplement" that it was unlikely to do anything negative and he felt it might not do anything positive, but like no harm trying.

And its helped me massively. Haven't had a single manic episode since taking it (used to have them very frequently as I rapid cycled) and my depression is limited to a day or two before my period when my hormones understandably get out of whack. And its pretty minor. Just get a bit teary. Which is a drastic difference from sleeping for days at a time almost (just toilet breaks) and wanting to kill myself constantly.

But what I didn't expect was how much it has helped with my sensory issues due to being autistic. People have likely seen that video of someone going into a shop which was saying you could take CBD oil to help with autism to have a yell at them. Well guess what? It can actually help! Does it make me not autistic? NO! But what it does do is raise the threshold that has to be reached before a sensory bad thing tips over into sensory overload. Am I at neurotypical levels? Still a big NO! But it feels like it slows down the signals coming in just enough that its way easier to process them as opposed to having such a massive wave of sensory input to try to wade through all the time. Still disabled, just a bit of a nicer time trying to cope you know?

Its made it easier to interact with other people too. Like before taking it, if my partner was eating something in a way that was making Bad Mouth Sounds, it would send me straight into overload & I'd either respond angrily, or meltdown or similar. Now I hear it, it still irritates me, but there's enough buffer to process "oh this is a Bad Sound, what can I do about it? Oh I could let partner know so that they can try to chew quieter". And then I'm able to actually communicate that calmly enough that it doesn't seem angry or rude. How do I know its not just that I've learned some other coping mechanism? Well I had a week without taking any CBD oil due to it being out of stock for a bit so I ran out. Guess what came back with a vengeance? That's right! My sensory issues in all their horrible not-glory. Right back to tiny amounts of Bad Sensory Thing causing a tip straight into meltdown or shutdown. And I may or may not have exploded at my partner for chewing something a bit louder than normal. They were eating a pack of crisps downstairs and I yelled at them from upstairs to shut up with how loud they were crunching on them. Except less politely because I couldn't figure out the words.

one of the things that makes autism a disability (and why some of us choose to label it as such rather than an “alternate neurotype”) is the stress. 

part of autism is just being incredibly stressed. overstimulation? stress. holding a conversation? stress. something happening to our schedule? stress. people talk about how often autism is recognized and diagnosed via our stress responses (like meltdowns) because it is just so common to see autistic people stressed because of lack of accommodations to how our brains work.

and this matters because stress kills. stress causes a lot of health issues, or it can trigger pre-existing ones by making certain chronic conditions flare up. i once had a psychiatrist very unhelpfully tell me i “just need to manage my stress” when the stress i was describing was things i could not avoid in neurotypical society and can’t “just get over”. i can do “self care” all i like but i cannot at the very base level change the way my brain inputs information and reacts accordingly.

[mirouie]

i'm here.

tasm!peter parker x fem reader. | wc: 0.9k

warnings: none

tags: fluff, slight hurt/comfort, soft peter, he's just so lovely </3

a/n: just a little blurby blurb i wrote on the spot for my lovely pete! i've been in such a brainrot for him lately and i've been feeling pretty lonely myself so this is totally just something i wrote for my own comfort :3 hope you enjoy!

you feel lonely. you don't like it.

you've spent the better half of the day doing nothing, cycling through lying in bed to lying on the couch to lying on your carpeted floor and back again. you stare at the small heap of laundered clothes sitting in your armchair, your mind telling you that you should definitely fold them up and put them away—the same goes for the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, but you make no move to do either. if anything, you sink deeper into the plush of the carpet, if it were even possible, wishing for nothing more than the ground to open up and swallow you whole. the off-white ceiling and the steady running ceiling fan were friends welcome at first, but now you're beginning to get sick of it.

a chime somewhere off to your left takes you out of your hazy stupor, your fingers clamber mindlessly behind you till they wrap around your phone. the bright light is almost glaring when you bring it to your face.

peter :PP : hey bug, you doin ok? haven't heard from you all day

y/n : hey y/n : m alright, havent been doing much y/n : just feeling kinda lonely rn :// y/n : wish u were here

you see bubbles in the corner where peter's typing, but then it disappears and doesn't come back. you stare at the screen for a few more minutes but peter doesn't respond anymore. a little odd; you let it linger in your thoughts for a moment but then you let it go. your best friend's not the one-liner type neither the left-on-read over text, but you know him well enough to know he means nothing ill about it. maybe he's just a little busy, he'll reply when he's able to and you won't hold anything against it.

you're back to brooding and sulking for a little while until you hear a quick but soft sequence of knocks on your door. you're not expecting any visitors soon, so you groan when you force yourself to get off the floor, sluggish in the way you pad over with your head hanging low.

you've barely opened the door a few inches when something peter-shaped comes barreling through it. messy brown hair, soft eyes, and a warm, cozy scent; all heart-achingly familiar to you as he stands in front of you. your boy. peter.

"hi," he greets you, arms wide open for you to step into. you take account of the two full plastic bags hanging from both his hands and the over-stuffed backpack slung across his shoulders; they must've been heavy, whatever the contents were, but he hugs you with ease as if they weighed nothing.

"hello, peter," you mumble into his shirt, rubbing your cheek against the soft material. his appearance was a surprise, but you're more than happy to welcome it. suddenly, your apartment doesn't seem as dull or as cold, and you realize quickly that it was his presence you were yearning for all day. of course it was, you've always felt a different kind of lonely whenever he wasn't in your space. "what're you doing here?"

peter shuffles the both of you further inside and nudges the door shut with his toe. he doesn't let you unwind your arms from around him as he puts his luggage down, shrugging off his coat and toeing off his shoes and hugging you right back. he's so warm you feel your cheeks starting to burn.

"you said you were lonely. i couldn't have that, so i came."

"but i thought you had work. and you were going to do some spidering right after."

"i did have work. i came after i clocked out and ran to the store to get some things, and i think new york can handle a night without me for now," peter's backed you both into your living room now, your leg bumps against the arm of your couch. he sits you down and wraps himself around you a little tighter, head finding home in the crook of your neck. a pleasant feeling bursts in your chest and spreads all the way down to your fingers and toes when you feel him relaxing, practically melting into you. his position couldn't have been comfortable—he’s near kneeling down on the floor, lanky legs awkwardly supporting half of the weight he isn’t leaning on you—but he doesn't seem to mind and it makes you miss him all over again.

"i missed you, bug," he beats you to saying it first, and you're glad it feels like he's read your mind. you've told him you were lonely over text, but he didn't exactly know how lonely. you'd been aching all day, aching for him, and having him near you like this now is almost enough to make you cry.

"i missed you too," you sigh, planting your face into his rumpled curls.

"'m sorry you were feeling lonely. i would've taken the day off and spent it with you if i knew." oh, how sweet. you shake your head, but you're smiling at the thought.

"it's okay, petey. i'm just glad you're here now." peter peels his face from your neck to stare at you. his gaze is sticky with affection. you don't think he's ever looked at you in a different way.

"i'm here now," he echoes, fingers squeezing at your waist. "so what'd you wanna do, sweet girl? dinner, movie marathon, board games? i could swing us if you wanna get some air. or do you just wanna lie and rot on your bed and cuddle all night?"

your cheeks pull as wide as his does. "cuddles sound nice."

he nods, serious and solemn like it’s his one sworn duty. "cuddles it is."

© mirouie ; do not copy, edit, or repost my works. plagiarism is strictly prohibited.

[timeoverload]

I had a long day and I didn't enjoy it at all. I had 32 cases but I didn't stay for the last one because it didn't start until 5:30. I already feel dead but it's only Tuesday. The rest of the week is probably going to be miserable too.

It's summer and I don't understand why we are still so busy. I guess they want us to be productive the entire time we are at work. They took away the stools in the hallway so people can't sit down and I think that's fucked up. They were concerned about the doctors and patients thinking we're lazy but that's stupid. We aren't lazy. The doctors don't care as long as shit gets done and the patients are generally out of it because of the drugs they give them so I doubt they remember anything. The people that are making these decisions sit in their offices half of the day and I don't see them doing much work. Whenever I see them in the OR, they are just standing around talking. I am just so frustrated about it. I like to sit down out there sometimes when I am waiting for a case to get done so it is just going to make the day more difficult. They don't care. I feel like a slave.

I didn't sleep very well last night because I had an asthma attack. It's my fault because I had too many liquids right before I went to bed. I also didn't prop myself up. I don't have any other breathing problems and I know it's from my acid reflux because there was fluid in my lungs. I felt better once I got it out. I need to stop eating so late so that doesn't happen. I hate feeling like that. I feel bad for coughing that much in the middle of the night because I'm sure it wakes everyone up. I am not trying to be annoying. I couldn't go back to bed after that so I have been awake since 3:30.

I am glad that I don't feel quite so nauseated today. I know I had food poisoning. I guess I will have to be more careful about what I eat. I was going to get food on my way home but I decided not to. I just couldn't sit in the car anymore. I still have some canned food so it's ok.

I really want to gain weight because I'm so unhappy with my body. I am too thin and it makes me feel unattractive. I have been extremely self-conscious lately. I think I have always been self-conscious about my chest. I used to stuff my bra when I was younger and I wear a padded bra now. I would never get implants because I've seen enough defective ones get taken out of people so I'm not willing to take that risk. I don't want to surgically alter my body but I wish I was more curvy. Sorry if that's too much information but it has been bothering me a lot. I also got told once that my ass looked deflated after I had lost a lot of weight. I don't feel very feminine. I feel like people are silently judging me because of my size sometimes. I also miss my dark hair too but I don't want to start dyeing my hair again because it was falling out after doing that for a while. I almost blinded myself because I was tinting my eyebrows and eyelashes to match my hair and that was a stupid idea. I don't know why I can't just be happy with what I have. I'm not trying to compare myself to other people. I know that a lot of people aren't totally satisfied with their bodies either so I guess I'm not alone. I just wish I could stop feeling so ugly. I will try to work on myself more.

I haven't heard anything from my mom so I don't know what she is doing. I am just afraid I am going to get a bad phone call sometime. I shouldn't expect to get bad news but I have a gut feeling it's going to happen eventually. I am going to continue to hope for the best.

I really wish I had more positive things to say. I don't have much to talk about. I am just so tired. My toes feel broken and my back hurts. I should probably go make myself food soon. I am not planning on staying up late tonight. My goal is to be asleep by 10. I am going to make sure to prop myself up so I don't have another coughing fit. I hope I have the strength to make it through the rest of the week. I will do my best to make tomorrow a good day.

I hope everyone else has a great day tomorrow too. 💖💖💖

[elliotsramblings]

I know you don't love me anymore. I know you don't have feelings for me. Or maybe you do, but pushing me away is your way of making sure they don't bubble up. I don't know, but either way, you've been incredibly inconsiderate towards me. I get it, we're no longer together and you have no romantic obligation to care about my feelings. But we're still supposed to be friends, and friends that have been as close as we were aren't supposed to just stop caring about each other. Friends care about friends' feelings - let alone best friends, which we were still supposed to be. You were understanding and nice on the day we broke up. You said you understood my pain, that you felt like a dick, and that if I wanted to see our relationship off the right way, then we could. But every day after that felt like an exercise in humiliation. I want to keep you updated on my progress, how I've been handling my grief, my regrets, and the ways I've been trying to change. Maybe those feelings are too intimate, and you don't want them to encroach on that territory of romantic feelings. That's understandable. But still, every time you push me away, you manage to throw in just enough jabs to make me feel like I shouldn't have been vulnerable with you. I don't want to hear you joking about seeing other guys, or be the butt of your jokes because I'm the one that still hasn't moved on yet. You had months to sit on your feelings and come to peace with our relationship, all while I was blissfully unaware. Then my life flips upside down, and I'm given all of one day to collect my feelings before I'm unceremoniously evicted out of your heart. Our relationship ends when I least expect it, I'm told I'm the bad guy and the cause of our relationship crumbling, and if that weren't enough now I'm the butt of jokes about what we were. Most days feel like I'm showing up for another shift of being humiliated and having my feelings belittled. I'll insist that we call, because you're not nearly as sarcastically callous when we're talking, and things will feel OK again for a moment before we go back to texting and again I'm facing the emotional wall you've put up. Maybe you're still hurting too and this is your way of managing. I just wanted to open my heart up to you and keep you updated on my progress, and at times I've made jokes that cross a line of intimacy I'm not even supposed to toe. I deserve pushback then. I think about how we were back in 2020, and I want to bring the magic back, but at times that desire can cloud my judgement. I won't ruminate on those times, because we both know what it was, and I don't think the memories of those times will ever fade for either of us. These days I cycle through thinking back on those times, finding the motivation to try and fix the parts of our relationship that I was responsible for bringing down, only to get sarcastically rebuffed in a way that makes me question why I even bothered. If your goal is to stamp out the last vestiges of love I might still feel for you, congrats. Mission accomplished. Every day I find it harder and harder to hold on to the feelings I once had, memories of the girl that loved me so much I questioned what I even did to deserve it. I pushed on for as long as I did because I wanted to believe that deep down inside, you still cared about me, and that this was just an icy facade I could melt if I just tried hard enough. But maybe that's not true. Maybe you've already moved on, and I'm the clown making a fool of himself. This is a lot I'm throwing at you, and maybe none of it is true, or all of it is. I thank you for at least sitting through this jumble of words. But what I know to be 100% true are the feelings of hurt and embarrassment I've been experiencing. It feels good to at least get it off my chest, and to finally communicate my emotions to you in a way that I haven't been able to for a while now. I know I've been emotionally closed off. I don't know if you love me anymore. Maybe you do, or maybe that hope I've been clinging to is why I've been getting pushed back.

[bewitchingbaker]

🥴😳🥴😳

Chris looked at the various colors of nail polish levitating in front of him. Beth's legs rested on those large thighs of his, occasionally getting a light tickle in between his decision-making. A chuckle escapes his lips once he feels her tap his arm playfully.

"Ok, ok," Chris laughs. "I'll pick a color."

Red, green, white, pink...lavender? Decisions, decisions. He remembers her compliments on his eyes whenever he uses magic. Though she often said his eyes were lovely, Beth admittedly loved that hint of purple that came with his powers. So why not a purple fill for her nails.

"Lilac?"

An enthusiastic nod from Beth.

A knowing chuckle from Chris.

Good to know he still has it. Even after so many years, Chris loved painting Beth's toenails whenever they relaxed. The silly sounds of Mean Girls filled the background. Two glasses of wine levitated near them and the window gave them a perfect view of the desert's night sky.

Slowly he begins his work, gently dabbing her toenails. They laugh at the movie, often displaying their best impression of the characters. Discussions on their days at work and plans for next week. As always, Beth had a question that would bring out the blush that would fill those chubby cheeks.

"What gets me going," he echoes with a bashful chuckle. "Outside of the normal stuff?"

The baker ponders over her question for a bit, hands focusing on her ring-toe. Chris thinks of moments between him that left him...desiring her in that way. Of course, her dancing often left him blushing. Just the thought of her hips moving left Chris at a loss for words. Even Beth knew that was an obvious answer.

But he remembers a moment that had him wanting to smooch her right then and there.

Chris didn't often need a ride from work but his ford focus was out of comission due to a certain eldritch familar eating a few of its tires. As much as it pained him, it was much better to ask Beth for a ride as opposed to dealing with the awkwardness of lyfts or driving with Camillo. To his surprise, he spotted a familiar Mustang speeding towards the bakery.

Ever so smoothly, the muscle car crept up to the curve revealing a smiling Beth behind the wheel. Admittedly the first half of the ride was silent, no doubt due to the bright red hue filling the baker's cheeks. While Beth was worried his silence was due to being picked up in a much nicer car, she would soon be surprised by Chris's smooch once she stopped at a red light.

"Remember when you picked me up in Andy's Mustang," Chris asks with a blush. "Well it's kind...hot watching you drive. I don't know the way you whipped that muscle car with ease was kind of hot."

A blush.

"Why do you think we smooched so long once we got home?"

He's onto the next nail and a wink follows.

"I know you think it's boring or lame," he begins. "But I quite enjoy your thoughts on your interests. While I do love seeing you in those swimsuits, your nerdy rambles are much hotter. I could listen to them all day, honestly."

While he was talking, Chris finished one set. Of course, he would always take time to appreciate his work. Plus, there was something relaxing about painting Beth's toes. It felt nice that she trusted him enough to do this.

They both pause to hear their favorite line in the movie.

'That is so fetch!'

A shared laugh.

But now it was time to reveal some not-so-hidden things he does when he's in the mood. Plus, he needed to get started on her left set of toes. The baker takes a sip of his wine with a bashful chuckle.

"I'm surprised you haven't noticed when I get a little handsy," Chris laughs. "Whenever I give your shirt a tug, hold you in my lap, or grab ya hips that means I'm a little in the mood. I try not to go overboard cause I guess I don't know my own strength. Have I ever held you too hard?"

A blush fills his cheeks as he paints her toes, eyes focused to make sure the coat is even.

"As much as I love when you bite me and leave a mark, I like doing the same thing. In the most non-awkward way, it feels nice to leave my own little bite marks on ya. While I do like when you take control, it's kind of fun to...initiate things and take a little control."

[ @brooklynislandgirl ]

[medicalkink101]

Medical Memories 1

I have done a sort of interview with a friend of mine who is a similar Medical role play enthusiast....

Medical Kink 101: Hello so you have a medical examination interest. How long have you had this?

C: I didn't really know it was a thing until I got into reading erotic fiction and finding stories that involved examinations as part of a CMNM dynamic, then of course finding video clips and so on!

Medical Kink 101: Ah yes, and there are a lot of stories featuring medical examinations like on Zity.Biz or Nifty Stories.

C: Yes Nifty was my go to back in the day!

Medical Kink 101: Do you know any good stories you can recommend?

C: Sadly not, all lost to the mists of time at this point!

Medical Kink 101: Well there are a lot of stories! So when you are part of a role play medical,  do you have a favourite part of being examined?

C: I suppose it would be the initial rush of getting naked and the exposure

Medical Kink 101: Ah I see, so instead of a particular part of your body being examined

C: Yes, it's the CMNM power dynamic which is of most interest to me

Medical Kink 101: It is certainly very enjoyable. You have recently had a role play medical examination haven't you....

C: Yes

Medical Kink 101: How was that?

C: Great! Very authentic, the doc prides himself on it being an accurate experience as much as possible

Medical Kink 101: Wow it sounds very, very enjoyable. Can you remember anything in particular the doctor said?

C: It's more fun than going for a regular checkup mind you haha  :)

Medical Kink 101: Yes quite! Maybe during the  examination or when he was asking you to do something?

C: I don't remember any specifics but he was very matter of fact and put me at ease, all felt very natural to be slowly stripped in front of him

Medical Kink 101: Yes,  well doctors orders after all!

C: Exactly! A compliant patient following docs instructions

Medical Kink 101: Did he say "turn your head and cough"?

C: Yes

Medical Kink 101: Ok! Can you tell me about that part of the examination?

C: What do you want to know?

Medical Kink 101: Well what happened if the doc did any part of the examination down there. Also were you embarrassed or was it enjoyable?

C: Well by that point I was naked in front of doc, he gently but firmly had hold of my testicle and asked for the requisite cough. I was a little aroused, a little embarrassed but felt very at ease about being on display like this.

Medical Kink 101: Very extensive. I'm assuming it was both testicles....it sounds enjoyable, very realistic and like you are having a real medical inspection! Talking of the whole thing  could you explain what the role play doc did from head to toe?

C: Yes, as I say this particular doc prefers to keep things very professional and realistic.

Medical Kink  101: Well that's good to know!

C: So even the rectal exam was very quick and matter of fact, despite being butt naked on an examination table and having a semi the exam was only as long as it needed to be. No attention was given to my arousal, as it wasn't part of the exam.

Medical Kink 101:  Did he examine your penis? Were you in an particular positions  you had to get into during any parts of the examination. I'm very keen to find out about what happened during your medical experience....let's start from the beginning. So you walked into the doctors "consultation room".....

C: Yes, there was a stool chair set up in the room that I was directed to sit on. We started with ear checks and eye test, before stripping to the waist and checking chest

Medical Kink 101: I assume everything checked out OK? Then what happened?

C: All fine. Eventually removed my jeans to just be in underwear, and eventually those came off too to leave me naked in front of doc.

Medical Kink 101: So when you were just standing in your boxers (I'm assuming you were) how did you feel when you were stripped down? When you were stripped to boxers what did doc do?

C: Asked me to remove them and naturally I did as asked :)

Medical Kink 101: Ah very good! So what examinations happened when you were in your boxers?

C: Um, i think i was laid on the examination table at that point, taking blood pressure, listening to my heartbeat etc

Medical Kink 101: Okay so all part of a standard check up. Hearing the blood pressure machine inflate and being asked to breathe in and out on your chest and back.

C: yep

Medical Kink 101: Okay! And what about your abdominal examination. Could you tell me about that?

C: What do you want to know?

Medical Kink 101: Well what happened really.

C: Well I was laying on the examination bed and then he felt around, asking if I felt any pain as he worked. Apart from the mild discomfort of having somebody prod you, it was all fine though.

Medical Kink 101: Yes so a lot of 'prod prod poke poke'. I'm sure doc felt lightly and then a bit harder. Do you call it your belly, stomach or abdomen? How did feel physically?

C: Stomach I guess?

Medical Kink 101: Ah ok!

C: Physically?

Medical Kink 101: Like did it tickle, hurt at all, gently....what was it like doc touch you there

C: Like I said, a mild discomfort at being probed there, but doc was very careful and I didn't feel any pain

Medical Kink 101: Did he examine your belly button?

C: No haha!

Medical Kink 101: Oh good! Actually going back to probing you said it was a quick prostate exam

C: Yes, again to go with his realistic approach doc was very matter of fact and performed the exam efficiently.

Medical Kink 101: Just as he should have! So did it hurt,  his  finger going in and having a poke about? Or should I say probe.

C: No, again he was very gentle and professional about it.

Medical Kink 101: That's good to know. Actually what position were you in?

C: On all fours, head down low, bottoms up haha

Medical Kink 101: Bet you weren't drinking then! Actually a good position for your testicles to be given a cursory examination again in that position!

C: Quite haha!

Medical Kink 101:Hang on, you didn't get that examination again  - testicles examined when you were on all fours?

C: No I think I was stood up for that part.

Medical Kink 101: So just a quick feel and "cough please".

C: Yes.

Medical Kink 101: I see! And is there any else you want to mention about the medical?

C:  Nothing springing to mind no.

Medical Kink 101: Okay, well on that note its been a pleasure to chat with you as part of the first Medical Memories! Thank you C 🩺