#I Did It To Myself || Kelli

[chrliekclly]

——————

it’s been 6 years exactly nd i apologize for everything about this

[tw: implied csa]

[nb2000]

Look the showrunner called Rogue/Gambit the OTP in an interview (er...before he got fired) so they're clearly going somewhere with this and it's FINE and I can be patient and wait to see where that somewhere is and it's FINE.

[sotogalmo]

5:07

Hey, hey hey!! — Kelsona time!

(kelsona/kelli uses both she/her & he/him)

[gingerwerk]

Tbh watching Mota I did not get fruity vibes from buck at all. In my mind it always seemed like bucky was in love with buck but knew it was unrequited and he could live with it but when the reunite in the camp, the look they give each other says everything- that bucks always been in love with bucky, even if he wasn’t aware of it the whole time, he knows it’s there as he watches bucky file into the camp all broken and bruised and as bucky grins at buck and tries to keep it cool he sees it in his friends eyes, the feeling he’s felt for so long and never expected to see reflected back at him

[tarpitbell]

11:23

I'm a damn leech. That's all I am

[fireylesbianhell]

kinda love the idea that, whether this be jack and Davey or jack with Kath, he just tries so hard to be smart around them. now, don't get me wrong- Jack is much smarter than given credit for of course, and probably isn't insecure about any lack of schooling if it meant looking out for and being around Cruchie and all the newsboy, but in most sense of it the idea that he just starts pulling out - and, horrendously missing - very fancy terms he heard being thrown around by the papers, or by the nuns, even by David or Kathrine before.

All the other newsies sides david are very impressed with his skills, of course, the man is smooth as can be when you hear him talk on to his partner using some really, really tough words to pronounce out.

David and/or katherine just let it happen when they see it.

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: March 25

"Groovy Little Summer Song" by James Otto

[sparkedblaze]

What I heard the first time I watched newsies:

FIIINCH YA TELLIN ME YA SCAED O BROOKLYN?!

What it sounds like now (in comparison to that)

Finch. Are you telling me. That you are afraid of the borough across the bridge?

LIKE WTF HAPPENED

[hoss-bonaventure]

the bonnie and charlie worms are wriggling all over my brain i might essay dump about them idk

[goblinbabe666]

my brother just said “dude. it’s so good to hear you laughing again.” CRYING AND THROWING UP BRB.

[i-miss-music-247]

How did I live without wearing headphones to school? I left mine at home today and I'm this 🤏🏽 close to just buying some at the bookstore. I NEED my music 😫

[deeism]

in the seventh circle of hell recently guys sorry for my lack of original funny sexy smart awesome posts

[victorluvsalice]

Okay, with all the pictures and shells and fish and whatnot sorted, it was back to regular gameplay -- just in time to see Kelly sampling the fish platter I'd had to leave on the counter because I couldn't get it to drag into the fridge right away. XD I quickly got it away from her while I directed Victor to say hi to Shadow (who was very happy to see him again), Alice to grab the eggs out of the coop (two hatchable and one regular -- really gotta clear out all those roosters), and Smiler --

To start decorating the place! Or, well, to FINISH decorating it, more accurately, as I'd spent a little time dragging all their various Spookfest decorations, along with the two pumpkin carving stations, out of the attic while getting their pictures and souvenirs sorted. Some fun purple icicle lights for the eaves and black-and-white ghost banners on the fences completed the look --

As did Alice starting her pumpkin! Because a) you gotta have jack-o-lanterns for Spookfest and b) in my personal experience, the best way to complete the "Spooky Spirit" tradition is to carve a pumpkin -- interacting with ghosts and occult Sims is kind of iffy at best to get it to fire. *shakehead* Oh Sims 4... I naturally had her carve up a kitty pumpkin, on a pale orange pumpkin -- and she did so well that it turned out to be a masterpiece! :) Alice is just good at The Arts, what can I say.

And right after that, the first trick-or-treater showed up at the house! Smiler at the time was busy in the greenhouse brewing up a soothing skin balm potion (and getting their Herbalism skill up to level 6), while Victor was busy bathing Shadow (and then magicking away the resultant puddles), so it fell on Alice to give the visiting teen a trick or a treat. I had her quickly change into a costume, picking "space ranger" more or less at random, and give the kid some candy. Because she's a nice lady at heart, even if her "Loner" trait means she actually ignores the "Trick Or Treat" tradition herself. I then sent her inside to paint while Smiler started on their jack-o-lantern (a white one with a big grin on it, natch) and I sent Victor down to begin his (an orange one with an owl design, because I hadn't seen that one yet) --

And then, upon seeing the pets both downstairs, I went "hang on -- doesn't Kelly have a taco outfit? I should dress her up in that for Halloween! And Shadow as -- oh, wait, all she has is her little sweater and bow-tie...looks like we're popping into CAS for a second to get her a costume too!"

And so I did, choosing one of the "super-llama" outfits for her (in yellow and black, because you know that Smiler picked this out XD). Alice put Shadow and Kelly into their Halloween costumes, played a little bit of laser pointer with Kelly, then headed into the studio to do a playful painting, while Victor and Smiler got back to work on their pumpkins (going into CAS had knocked them out of their actions, and Smiler in particular had to start over because the game wouldn't let me resume their previous pumpkin, meh). So that was Alice and the pets all dressed up for the holiday...

[heroes-fading]

tumblr did eat this but as a wise poet once said “honey i rose up from the dead i do it all the time”

so i feel like i have been slowly entertaining in the back of my head for a year or two now the idea of writing again. it started with like, writing bad poetry in journals. i’ve been consuming media, but in a lot more of a disconnected way. engagement was like, reading reddit and twitter threads for a day and putting it back down. then episode 8 happened, and i was like FUCK i’m unglued.

to put in perspective what kind of shit i was up to in high school: i wrote half a million words of like...once upon a time fanfiction. and in that i found lots of lovely connections to people but amidst a sea of other factors: being a literal teenager who still thought i could be the smartest person in the room (spoiler: never), having no real social net outside of the internet (and i will say my internet friends -- many of whom i still love and talk to today -- got me through some of the WORST times of my life), and having a very fragile ego. probably related to points a and b. everything felt like the biggest thing in the world because my world did not feel very big.

now i look back at it like...holy shit you wrote a goddamn novel. who cares if it was like, literature or not? 

to be honest one of the things that got through to me was this cj the x video, especially their point which i’ll recap here:

“We are under the impression that art is something special people do, and to do it well makes you a genius, and to do it poorly is embarrassing. This sectioning off of the art world for artists from regular life and regular people is completely artificial and it is bad for the soul of your society.”

and they talk a bti about the Terrifying Ordeal of Being Known and perfectionism and just the amount of fuccccckin mental blocks we put around what’s good art and bad art and we spend so much time agonizing over what’s good and what’s cringe and you know what? embrace cringe! who cares! none of us will live forever!!! sharing art is the way we sustain ourselves in the long run.

i always have an internal voice saying something’s not good enough. i’m Always like “damn, these metrics ain’t metricing like they were earlier...” and then i’m like fuck...am i doing this for the Idea of Fandom Success or because of my fun silly lil hobby? my fun silly lil hobby? aight guess i ought to just embrace the Terrifying Ordeal of Being Known and accept that silly lil numbers ain’t what’s fufilling, it’s the practice of writing and sharing and going at the end of the day “at least one person liked this, and being known isn’t the Most Horrific Thing Ever”.

another thing i Never did when i was a teenager is tell anyone i wrote fic in real life. now my husband and friend and sister-in-law know (the latter involved either alcohol or being confined to a plane, which is a lot like alcohol) and you know how much they think i’m embarassing? they don’t. oh and actually a co-worker. they just go “lol, this is My thing” and it’s a novel they tried to write in college or fanart they post on a secret instagram or a monsters inc page they ran in high school (all real examples) because everyone has some kind of thing they care about, some artistic expression, and we’ve conditioned people to think trying is embarassing. trying is vulnerable and the point, i think! no matter how cringe! 

and vulnerability is this awfully stingy thing because sometimes when you think about it for too long it’s not unlike putting your hand on a hot coal. like, fuck, laying awake at night knowing that people know You Tried and what if they still didn’t like it? humiliating. awful. please schedule me with the goddamn firing squad. you didn’t get the metrics you wanted. or worse, you did and now people don’t think you deserve it. they’re gonna find out you’re just a big fanfiction writing fraud.

but maybe that’s the point! i don’t know! vulnerability is hard and painful and growth and sincerety is almost WORSE. but there’s also something lovely and cathartic about it and at the end of the day knowing that other people feel that, too. can never get too lost in either sauces of thinking you’re the worst thing ever or the best and the only one who gets it. just gotta accept the vulnerability of it all~

i’m back in my daydreaming era, i think fic gave that back to me. i shut her off for a little while, but she’s still there! and it’s not the worst thing, having overwhelming creative ideas on the treadmill or in a hotel lobby or furiously writing in a google doc in the middle of the night even if it does feel Silly. sometimes it does make the world a little more magical, framing in a narrative. 

(my therapist at some point has made comments about my narrative framing skills in the context of my life and getting out of a shitty family situation with a lot of embedded generational cyclical fun stuff to a point i have a lot of the things now i used to dream about despite it, my pathological need to write my way out also applying to my life and maybe it’s not the worst way of moving a locus of control inwards. i used to dream about feeling safe and being respected interpersonally and professionally because it’s something no woman in my family ever really got and i get that now. anyway, as i said, radical vulnerability!)

narratives are powerful and meaningful and art is too, i don’t care if it’s fanfiction at the end of the day! we’ve all felt something or gptten something or felt community and that’s meaningful enough. 

this is a very long-winded and frankly chaotic way of saying sure, i’m a writer enough!

[7central]

so funny how when I get into any sort of conversation about a show/movie in real life it very frequently ends with me talking about xyz actor's shakespeare credits