#I CRY A LOT BUT I AM SO PRODUCTIVE! ITS AN ART :D

[serotinals]

IM SO DEPRESSED I ACT LIKE ITS MY BIRTHDAY

[moonjxsung]

ALSKDKDJF OKAYYY !!! I’m glad it’s not a bother !!! I overthink sometimes alskdkjf

urgh so I am having A WEEK :( I hope it’s okay I rant a bit … alslkskdj

helurf okay so after midterms last week, I’ve been trying to like relax and give myself time to rest but IVE HAD SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS :((( and I’m so tired and burnt out and stressed cause I need to start studying for finals and ahhhhhh alsksjjdjf :(

okay now for some more fun updates!! i had fun at uni yesterday!! we had a super fun soil science lab we got to go into soil pits on the farm our campus has and analyze soil (ph, diagnostic horizons, colour, structure, texture etc) !! It was a lot of fun I’m gonna miss the class and my prof :( (it was my last lab)

another fun thing is its art market week at my uni so time to drop a ton of money on prints, stickers and crocheted animals !!! :D

AND okay so I made it into a special like abroad research kinda program/course in like that’s usually only available to upper years students but somehow I made it in alskkskdjdj . Anyways, we get to go to South Africa from like May 14-June 9 to do research and stuff in the field!!! and like IM SO EXCITED??? So anyways, the 19 students that also made it in (it’s a highly competitive program to get into) we had our second group meet up plus our prof (who taught my favourite class by far last term) yesterday and it was a lot of fun and we got free dinner which was super super yum and I can’t believe I’m actually going ahhhhh

and then I went to a friends house for dinner (yes, dinner again) which was fun we like catch up at least once a month and yeah

Anyways sorry for the truck load of information about my life weh

HOW IS YOUR LIFE STAR!!! I WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOU!! (With whatever ur feeling comfy sharing 💗)

🌱

UGH I always forget how close together exam season is WHYYYY ARE UR FINALS ALREADY RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER….. 💔💔 I believe in you angel manifesting all the best for you frfr you’re smart I know you got this 🫶🫶🫶🫶

AHHHH UR UNI LAB SOUNDED SO FUN I love labs where you just get to go outside and do stuff in nature it’s fr so healing 👼 I took a geology course in college where we got to go to this creek near my school and like test the ph balance of the water and it was so much fun being outside instead of cooped up in the lecture hall fr one of the best labs we ever did. AND the art market this week???? RAHHH HAVE SO MUCH FUN we used to have something similar at my uni and I would drop SO much on stickers not even joking my laptop is covered in them still :’)

ALSO OH MY GOD??? TO THE STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM?????? STOP THAT SOUNDS SO FIXKIFNT FUNNNNN IM SO EXCITED FOR YOU WYAHWJDNRJ CONGRATS ON GETTING IN BB ‼️‼️ I didn’t have to do study abroad when I was in college bc covid hit but I can’t wait to hear all about yours and live vicariously thru ur updates AHHHH and it’s coming up so soon !! WOWOWOWOW HAVE THE BEST TIME ILY ILY THATS SO FUN

My day was honestly vvvvv boring but it was productive! I had work and then I had a shit ton of laundry to do but I was tired as fuck and I have cramps bc my period started today so I got coffee first to wake me up and then after cleaning the apartment I caught up on Ateez vlogs and now I’m simultaneously writing and watching Zelda gameplay 👼 I think my emotions are like ten times worse rn because of my period so I’m just taking it easy but I have a huge party to go to this weekend and a lot of my friends are gonna be there so I need to get my shit together and stop being sad bc I don’t want to bring the mood down ☹️ why do I always have a party in the same week I feel like shit LOL the last time I had one my situationship and I got into a huge fight and my sister had to be checking on me like every 5 minutes bc I was borderline crying the whole night it was so embarrassing 😭 (I am so tired of crying over this same girl oh my god)

ANYWAYS I LOVE U ANGEL IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND I CANT WAIT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT UR STUDY ABROAD TRIP RAHHH THATS SO EXCITING CONGRATS AGAIN ILY ILY 🩷💖💞💘💕💓👼

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries (4)

Below are entries from my journal, both my real life and online one.

Note: I do (again) --to my felllow writers out there --think that if anyone ever writes a bipolar character, then these entries would be a good look into the kind of mindset someone with bipolar might have <33.

I don't have much else to say :D. so--

[Journal Entries]

“February 23rd 2022 — Wednesday 6:51 PM

Everyday…it seems that no matter how hard I try or dream or wish….I’m not able to accomplish anything. The days stress me out.

Bubbling anxiety fills my gut like locusts.

Gnawing….gnawing….gnawing….gnawing away. I pray (continuously) for the ability to be productive. My lack smothers me and I become just a shadow of the dreamer I was before. What is the color of all this overwhelming emotion? My sights are empty, I’m the only one whose stuck in this abandoned place.

“My time in the bottle 2022” indeed. I am overwhelmed.

My ocean — all these emotions crashing like waves inside me — threatens to drown me. God is my life vest and he holds my head above water. Everyday he says: “Just breathe, all in due time” and I want to believe this so badly, 100% wholeheartedly, yet each day that I fail to move I cling desperately on the very edge of despair. ‘God do you not hear me?’

“I do.” He answers.

“Then what shall I do?”

“Wait.” — I hope the Holy Spirit can renew me, for my hopes suffocate.”

[End of entry]

…

[Friday, April 16th, 2022 — 12:24 AM]

“I feel like a lake slowly withering up. Is it so bad to crave love and attention? Recognition? Is having too much ambition a sin? These dreams are big, and so, so, very heavy. It feels like my back is breaking under its weight. Do you cry at my failures? Are they expected? More often than not I feel built to fail. I wish my psychiatric appointment was sooner. I really want to be able to function like a normal person. What an idea, to be able to do exactly what you set out to do, as you’ve dreamed it. Sometimes I think these dreams are poisoning me. Making me disillusioned, insane. Especially because the difference between dream and reality is enough to drown in.

I don’t want to drown.

Help me. Help me. All I can do is cry out for your help. Please don’t let me drown.”

[End of entry]

NOTE: The rest of the entries I'll be uploaded are from my online journal. I moved journaling to online entries because I didn't have the energy / motivation to write by hand.

…

[Ssat. May 14th 2022]

Monochrome Diamonds.

Today’s title is directly related to the TXT’s “Good boy Gone Bad” MV that I just finished watching like 0.1 seconds ago.

ANYWAYS. Excited cause a new episode of KinnPorsche drops today. I need to live blog for Revice~. I just did a lot of self-care AND cleaned the house so I feel pretty great. Very solid. [End Quote]

… [Sunday, May 15th 2022]

The Sht-storm of Editing

(6:15 PM)

I went to bed at 5:50 AM last night and woke up today at just before 3PM. (12:32 AM — So I guess May 16th, tech) Hmmm. I can’t say that I’ve been all that productive today ngl. Tumblr — that btch — said I ‘hit my media post limit’ because of the amount of sh*t I had in my drafts. Which meant I couldn’t even EDIT my damn drafts LOL!!! Now that it's midnight tho I can edit them but damn that was frustrating, yo. (LMAO)

I also have no idea what I’m doing right now. I….haven’t really accomplished anything today and yeah that’s frustrating, but mostly I’m tired. I’m wondering if this is from Ritalin? Because I *DO* notice a difference when I take Ritalin compared to Adderall. Not 100% sure what it is yet — but I’m gonna go ahead and say it's positive.

My sabbath (sat) was soooooo good. Makes me wish that the weekend was longer. And work isn’t even that hard or bad? Is this just a defeatist mindset?

….

[Monday, May 16th 2022]

The Morning Discussion. A Thousand Dreams. And Small Step

Today feels like a good day to get sht done. Ahhh I’m so ready to finally work towards my goals. I’m really looking forward to writing. And also improving my art skills <33. (6:18 PM) Just got on a call with [Friend]. I need to make sure I get stuff done today :oo. Got some Culver's chocolate ice cream.

…

[Tuesday, May 17th 2022]

The Loser’s guide to Sleep Deprivation

(2:49 PM)

I did not sleep at all last night….. I spent all night reading webtoons and now I feel like sht. Having to work through this both sucks and hurts lmao 😭.

[Insert George and Dream Axolotl video] …

[Thursday, May 19th 2022]

[Sister’s] 20th Birthday

(9:54 PM)

I really clowned myself on accident by not snacking in between 5pm-7pm because my sugar dropped and I got the worst brain fog fking EVER bro. I hate brain fog. Not being able to formulate sentences. Losing your train of thought every 3 seconds. Ughhhh. And even rn I still feel out of it. Though now I’m thinking that’s from the caffeine in the tea rather than anything else :PPP.

(10:26 PM)

I am……out of it, unmotivated, frustrated, and soured like a grape. I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want. I want, I want, I wan-

And yet none of it I do. THere’s always a reason. Always an excuse.

Always something that stops me from moving forward. Is it doubt? Reason? Rationality? It's especially frustrating rn :(((. Man, I can just see someone asking: “Bro there is so much time in a day. How do you even accomplish not a single thing in an entire day?” And dammit! Dammit! WHy! WHy!!!!!Why do essays take me 4 hours to write??? Why does 500 words take me 4 hours??? Why does drawing deplete the clock to zero??? WHY???

How. How. How. How. How. HOw. HOw. How. How. How. How. How. HOw. HOw. Is it the internet???? Should I fast from electronics???? Only write, draw, and learn sh*t offline???? Is THAT the answer?? (Bro I’m gonna go insane. Full on insanity plea. Ahhhghhhh I want to CRY yo.) I can never do anything and the clock tick tick tiCKS away. Like I’m marching to my death. To nothing for nothing to nothing for nothing.

…..

*sighs.* Sometimes I wonder why I exist.

There is something I want to do with EVERY SINGLE PART OF MY BEING — but then what? I’m not able to? I can’t? I’m just going to continue failing? God….I know, I kNOW, I can’t do sht on my own. I’ve well learned THAT lesson. You’ve told me to just show up. To check my priorities. To prioritize you and other ppl in order to get sht done.

And for what??? I’m here-

I’ve showed up!!! [God] — why have you forsaken me? Why does something pop in the way? Why am I unable? Why am I unable even as I desperately cry for help???? Why does my mind fail and break right when I need it most??? Is it my family? What-? Should I go into self-isolation? Block all the world out if it isn’t related to whatever “work” I need to get done???????????????????????

….

[Friday, May 20th, 2022]

My Complaints Just Shan’t End

Okay….so I got to keep my sugar up and make sure I'm getting good nutrition so I don’t die or something serious like that happens. But it's either my family or my body just making that such a hard thing to accomplish.

They barbequed at [Older Sister’s] and damn. I just….man I just CAN’T go over to [My Sister’s House] more than once a week. That’s too much stress. And I didn’t want to spend my whole night there lmao ://

Bro this sucks.

As I said….really just makes me feel hopeless. All I wanna do is shrivel up and cry even tho I’m not sad, just frustrated, anxious, and hopeless. (LOL!!!) Yesterday night ended well though — I practiced Thai, and I’ve been doing more Thai practice >:)))) — and since I stayed home I have been learning the Thai alphabet and practicing my Thai handwriting. Damn I’m still so frustrated though. This is such sht man. This is such sht

…

Sunday. May 22nd, 2022.

The Day That Wasn’t.

…

[Tuesday, May 24th, 2022]

Table of Contents

(7:17 PM)

At the bookstore/cafe [Name of Bookstore / Cafe], working on….idk fiction probably. I have done no writing yet LOL!!!! So here I gooooo.

10:00 PM)

:).

…

[Wednesday, May 25th, 2022]

Re. Vice. And the Sleep Deprived Day

(10:11 am)

I haven’t slept yet.

Revice. Revice. Revice. Revice. Revice. Revice. Revice.

✨✨Revice~✨✨

…..Gosssh I love Revice and I love liveblogging. I don’t know where I went wrong (along the way) but yaish. (Time always got to be my #1 enemy).

…I should probably get some sleep. I’ve really just been goofing around — watched Kang Daniel’s new music video, I want to re-watch TXT’s GBGB Performance. I have the Chinese drama ‘Be Reborn’ up because I want to watch it but I don't want to watch it so I’ve been trying to re-watch my favorite scenes from episode 5 (lol).

[Yesterday in recap]

…Wrote maybe 100 words? I was NOT flowing at all. That and the brain fog was for real. Which….is very frustrating?? Why is it that whenever I start to get serious about getting work done and being productive something creeps up and smacks me in the face, completely preventing me from getting anything, ANYTHING done.

????? WHY??? (아버지. ???)

왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜. 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜.왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜.왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜.왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜.왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜 왜.

…

[Friday. May 27th, 2022]

Everything was going great….Until it wasn't.

(11:30 PM)

Okay, so. The entire first half of the day was great…but what the fck am I doing right now??? It's like sudden insanity hit me out of nowhere and now I just??? Like my stomach is lightning in a bottle.

And I’m tired. SO tired. But not sleepy.

This sucks. I hate this. Thanks tho God <333. I’ll try and idk??? Outlast this nonsense I guess? Naw, but I don’t even know how to describe this feeling??? I just feel…everything. It’s indecipherable and mixed together and it feels like my insides are on fire.

.................

NOTE: So this is the end of part 4. I talk about God a lot in these entries LOL. Whenever I'm going through something extremely difficult I pray (I mean, I do normally too but that's not the point). This is why I was fascinated with the religious themes in DPR Ian's MVS. When you're in an episode or transitioning into one it can feel like you've been abandoned, and so I perfectly understood what Ian was putting down (LOL).

Right. I'll be posting the next powerpoint part soon.

[Prev] [Next]

PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3)

Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)

Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

[bioswear]

5, 9, 10, 12, and/or 21? Your art is fantastic!

5. Estimate how much of your art you post online be the art you keep for yourself

Oh, probably like 10 to 30 % makes it online if it’s general art. If it’s a big project then I’ll usually include most everything upon its full completion (like a dev log journal and archive)

9. What are your file name conventions

Must have a name - usually it’ll be [SeriesTitle_CHAR_SketchPage_DATE] or something to that effect - it includes all the information I need to know about that piece without having to open it every time.

Also, if there are any artists who follow me naming their files keysmashes?? I am bashing you with my Wacom tablet and begging you to use real file names. Sure “ass ass drawing” seems funny in the moment but You won’t be laughing when you’re crying desperately searching ass in your file explorer.

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

Idk I really like gloves and shirts

12. Easiest part of the body to draw

Easy is subjective, but probably the face and hands. Even if they turn out ugly at first they’re the easiest to know when you’ve got them correct or incorrect.

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

I’m a little envious of people who can draw in cutesy styles naturally - like for me it takes a lot of forcing it, so I feel when I attempt cutesy Steven Universe/Bee and Puppycat etc styled stuff it comes out feeling stiff. I guess it’s also not really a bother because I don’t want to draw in that style, personally, but it would be nice for fanart appeal haha

Also the super super painterly styles that look so rendered but up close you can see the brush strokes - I think I’m too impatient for that buildup to the final product haha

Also thank you so much for the compliments to my art! :D

[saeyoungs-sunflower]

(HC) RFA + MC in Quarantine

Listen lads, this is just a silly I wrote this the other day (I may have been a little but tipsy but shh) and I thought I might as well share it. I hope this cheers some of you up during such a scary time <3

***

Yoosung:

★ okay this is gonna sound obvious

★ but bare with

★ G A M E S

★ but!!! not just LOLOL!! oh no no!

★ i’m talking board games, PC games, active games like tag and hide and seek

★ you guys basically act like children how are you surviving on your own

★ you guys also do LOADS of cooking

★ like so much

★ you’re baking like one cake a day pls slow down

★ ngl you guys are thriving staying home all the time lol

★ if Yoosung has online classes, you set up a study club!

★ he does his college work whilst you do whatever work you gotta do boo love that tEAMWORK

★ honestly you guys have never been so productive oop

Zen:

❤︎ oh boy

❤︎ be prepared to be SMOTHERED in love

❤︎ zen i love you too but pls i have stuff to do

❤︎ m o v i e  n i g h t s

❤︎ f a c e  m a s k s

❤︎ there are so many movies/tv series that you guys have been waiting to watch together but haven't had time to bc of zen’s work

❤︎ big sad :(

❤︎ BUT GUESS WHAT FAM

❤︎ WORK IS CANCELLED TIME TO SNUGGLE DOWN AND WATCH SOME DAMN CINEMA

❤︎ it usually turns into make out sessions but shh nobody has to know

❤︎ Zen kinda discovered that you guys c a n n o t cook

❤︎ so!!! you learn!!!

❤︎ it’s MESSY y’all

❤︎ “aw mc you look so cute with flour on your nose” throws flour at your face “zen i sWeaR tO GoD I just wanna make b r e ad leave me ALONE”

 ❤︎ quality couple time <3

Jaehee:

☞  lets get down to business

☞ to defeat

☞ THE H A N

☞ lol JK

☞ seriously the house has never been cleaner

☞ obvs your cafe isn't open so y’all have some time on your hands

☞ one day Jaehee suggests gardening

☞ oh man

☞ it escalated

☞ gardening has now become an OBSESSION

☞ honestly you couldn't find a prettier garden on pinterest swear down

☞ you also decided to renovate the house you’ve been meaning to do it but have never had the time

☞ your house is now a work of art wow proud of you guys <333

☞ tbh, Jaehee actually has a small fear of getting sick/you getting sick so you guys are only leaving the house if it is a b s o l u t e l y necessary

Jumin:

♚ nobody talk about the bad ending

♚ i said don’t…

♚ he’s be waiting for this moment who needs a cage when you have a national lockdown

♚ all jokes aside though this man still has to work from home

♚ poor bby

♚ let us all shed a tear for Jumin Han

♚ you love to bring him tea and homemade baked goods whilst he works and guess what??? so does he lol

♚ it is time

♚ to D A N C E

♚ this man is so extra oml

♚ insists on taking online ballroom dance lessons bc why not MC hmmm???

♚ he is actually a very good dancer

♚ once you guys get good enough it turns into spontaneous ballroom dancing in the kitchen whilst you clean up after dinner

♚ wine??? wine did you say??? W I N E???

♚ oh b o y

♚ you've seen each other tipsy before, and lemme tell ya it takes a lot to get this man drunk

♚ his tolerance is so high from all the w i n e

♚ but one night you two get absolutely HAMMERED like oh my God guys calm down pls

♚ rip your liver lmao

♚ it makes for a v e r y funny evening though you guys have literal tears in your eyes and its so nice to see the mighty Jumin Han loosen up a little aw bless

Saeyoung:

☀︎ okay

☀︎ listen

☀︎ this man is absolutely out of control i can’t

☀︎ you thought he was a prankster before???? oh man i am so sorry

☀︎ “saeyoung why is there a balloon above saeran’s door” “don’t worry bout it babe” “i am WORRYING SAEYOUNG”

☀︎ on a serious note though being stuck in the house does sometimes bring back some bad memories for him

☀︎ there are some bad days where he just n e e d s to get out

☀︎ so you sometimes go out for a quick drive in some desert place ya know let’s be sensible

☀︎ you guys have also made a habit of climbing to the roof and watching the stars aw

☀︎ you’ve also both fallen a sleep there a few times oopsy daisy

☀︎ the memes are the only thing getting you guys through at this point it’s a problem

☀︎ but you are loving the quality time with your choi boys so it’s not all bad <3

☀︎ family snuggles are a must

☀︎ a M U S T

☀︎ the desired s n u g g l e position is you sat on Saeyoung’s lap, your legs draped over Saeran’s lap and Saeran’s head resting on Saeyoung’s shoulder AW

☀︎ sometimes you hold Saeran’s hand whilst he’s asleep bc your edgy boi needs love but wont ask for it ever

V:

❁ first of all

❁ a w

❁ this man is the sweetest peach

❁ he makes so many cute things for you whilst you guys are in lockdown

❁ i mean he’s writing letters, knitting you scarves, painting you pictures the whole shebang

❁ he even made you a pyjamas

❁ he’s sewing guys he’s out of control

❁ if your working/reading/just having a quiet moment he will sketch you

❁ you wouldn't know it though bc he’s a s n e a k y bastard

❁ he’s never filled a sketchbook so fast and it’s his most treasured possession

❁ a book!!! filled with YOU!!!!! amazing!!!!!!

❁ wait, did you hear that????

❁ oh yeah

❁ ITS ARTS AND CRAFTS TIME

❁ actual children

❁ even if what you make is terrible its just so fun because you're doing it together

❁ brb just crying my eyes out i love this man so much

❁ you guys also make care packages and do the grocery shopping for the elderly/at risk people in your area and deliver it for them AND sewing scrubs/masks for doctors

❁ “I don’t want to stay inside doing nothing all the time when there are people who need help” THIS MAN IS TOO MUCH

Saeran:

☽ i hope you're ready for this grumpy motherfucker

☽ he never went outside anyway but now that he cant go out it sounds like the best thing in the world saeran pls

☽ ah yes it is time to wake up

☽ oh it’s 4pm?????

☽ HA who needs a sleep schedule anyway

☽ also Saeyoung is not the only twin with the Mischief Gene™

☽ oh no no no

☽ you two team up and absolutely destroy him

☽ i am so sorry Saeyoung but you had this coming

☽ when Saeran says that he wants to learn an instrument you are GOBSMACKED

☽ HELL Y E S

☽ he orders a keyboard and omg he’s such a fast learner

☽ probs from all the years of hacking ouch

☽ do i smell??? A FAMILY BAND?????

☽ you and Saeyoung play kazoo

☽ Saeran has left the chat

☽ seriously though his piano playing is so pretty and it calms him down so much ughhh PRECIOUS TOMATO BOI

***

This is so chaotic hahahah I hope you enjoyed though. If people liked it I’ll do some more silly things like this. It was a nice break from...the other stuff I’m writing...hint hint watch this space ;)

Masterlist

[noxstellacaelum]

No, it’s not just because the guy is hot ... and other BS about a female fan base (Looking at you Veronica Mars and Shadowhunters)

So, I suck at Tumblr.  I changed my name and suddenly all of my links are broken.  A friend asked me to repost this when she could not find it, so apologies for round 2.

I wrote recently about how filtering female characters through the male gaze can cause a project’s “center of gravity” to shift away from the agency and autonomy of female characters. This is how we end up w/ stories where women are there (narratively) to be pretty arm candy, or objects of sexual desire, or romantic partners (half a ship) vs characters who shape their own romantic and life choices. This is how we get female characters subjected to endless, pointless pain and trauma — usually sexual assault/ rape narratives (GoT, Veronica Mars). Or female characters who sacrifice endlessly and forgive every transgression, so that a man can be redeemed/ understood/ forgiven. (Why else would Buffy forgive Spike?) As I said, I don’t think every silly, guilty pleasure TV show or movie has to be a feminist icon story. Men can tell good stories about women. And give me flawed, complicated, nuanced characters and relationships any and every day of the week. I prefer truthful storytelling, not a kind of hagiography w/a side of feminism for my female characters.

Still, I had to just shake my head — after gagging on my coffee — when I saw the recent TV Line article quoting a senior executive at HULU as saying that the negative reaction to the ending of S4 Veronica Mars was A-O-K b/c it was a testament to how much people love the show. And, that the end was all part of RT’s super-well-thought-grand-plan to make VM into a noir detective show where Veronica solves random mysteries in random places and has no friends, no family, no relationships — having been an asshole to everyone in S4. Never mind S4 Veronica’s questionable detective skills, as evidenced by her failure to figure out who was behind the bombings until it was too late. Yeah. Whatever.

Of course, I didn’t stop at the article. I had to look at the comments. The official RT fanboy line appears to be that people who hated the ending are basically weak, stupid (heterosexual, I guess) girls who are upset that we won’t get to look at Jason D’s abs anymore. Apparently, we just don’t understand RT’s art and vision. Sad, really.

And so it goes. Once again, female fans are reduced to unthinking, stupid, crying hordes upset when we don’t get our happily-ever-after.

This is such complete and total bullshit. I hated all of S4 Veronica. VM in S4 is an unrecognizable asshole. She mocks Logan for seeking help for his PTSD. She misses or ignores her dad’s health crisis. She’s casually racist. She randomly uses drugs w/ strangers. She’s terrible to her friends (Weevil). And she’s the worst detective ever. Killing Logan off as some kind of suffer porn for VM was just one more piece of the shitty story telling that was S4. Especially since there was zero narrative explanation of how or why smart, gritty teenager Veronica fell into the abyss of self-loathing, self-absorption and cruelty that defines her in S4.

To my mind, though, the mansplaining from HULU, RT and crew is one of many examples of how Hollywood dismisses female fans along with female characters. In addition to Veronica Mars, I’ve written about how Shadowhunters TV betrayed both its female characters and many of its female fans. And, just as happened w/ Veronica Mars, when people objected, the show runners and their shills told us that we didn’t understand the showrunners’ art or storytelling; that we were upset bc not all of the couples got a wedding, that fan fiction could sort out the narrative mess left after the finale. As if completely sidelining the protagonist and her romantic partner, then tacking on a rom com meet cute at the end, made it all ok.

It wasn’t OK. It was BS. And, depressingly, not a surprise when one examines how the show treated its female characters and fan base all along.

- Cassie Clare, the author behind the six book series, has hinted on her Tumblr blog that from the very beginning, the male producers and show runners behind the TV adaption did not value her heavily female fan base. The show even added a lot of computers/ tech (explicitly NOT canon in the Shadowhunters universe), and made a character a police officer (not a bookstore owner) when it launched to attract an older male audience according to Clare. (Apart from the non-canon aspect of computers, stereotyping much on who likes tech?).

More importantly, the storytelling around female characters, and the treatment of their sexuality, showed the lack of regard the show had for female characters and their fans. Where to even start:

- The show aged-up the characters — which I am totally on board with — but then cast an actor who is only six years older than Matt D. (he played Alec) to play Mayrse, Alec’s (and Izzy and Jace’s adoptive) mother. 6 years!?! There are plenty of skilled, age appropriate performers one could have picked. Don’t tell me that casting decision was the product of anything other than the male gaze.

- Book Mayrse is a complicated and not always likeable character. Totally cool. Show Mayrse exists in S1 of SHTV for the sole purpose of being bigoted and homophobic re Alec (with a side of slut-shaming for her daughter Izzy). Then, in S3, she exists solely to punished (w/ a random de-rune-ing) and then redeemed for her homophobia by becoming “captain of the Malec ship.” S3 Mayrse seems to be entirely unaware that she has other children. Not Izzy. And not depressed, and suicidal Jace. A more richly observed character who is a mother would not act this way.

-Book Izzy is sexy and body positive. And a formidable warrior. Awesome. Show Izzy is often reduced to slutty eye candy in S1. She’s turned into a drug addict in S2. And, then, in S3 and the finale, she’s charged w caretaking duties for Jace (bc the show ignored the parabatai bond bw Alec and Jace and Mayrse was absent, as noted above). And, in the climactic fight scene, she’s disarmed by Clary (who had been training for a couple of months at that point) and needs to be saved by Simon, her non-Shadowhunter soon to be boyfriend. Simon is hugely heroic in the books, as is Clary, but their heroism is not at the expense of, or in place of, Izzy’s strength and heroism. (Or, maybe it’s that show Simon saves show Izzy from show Clary that’s the problem: book Izzy would not have been bested by Clary, book Clary never would have attacked her friends and chosen family, and the dark Clary made zero narrative/ emotional sense.

- Clary, the protagonist, is wholly sidelined in 3B and the finale. I won’t go down this rabbithole again, except to say that the show’s decision to strip Clary of her entire narrative arc — her mother, her father figure, her memories, her magic, her identity her chosen family, and her love — deeply, deeply betrayed the character and her fans.

- And, as I’ve written before, the dark Clary storyline seemed more about putting Kat M. In sexy clothes and having her act in a sexually aggressive way toward Jace (let’s call it what it was - the show hinted that she went down on Jace in a club while Jace was distraught over losing Clary and basically roofied) (bc sexually aggressive women are either slutty or evil on SHTV, I guess.). It made no sense.

-The whole Climon storyline was cringe worthy, and her weird shame-y commentary on Jace’s past sex life made no sense either.

- Maia hooking up w/ Jace behind a bar, and forgiving her attacker.

The list goes on and on.

I am sick and tired of Hollywood reducing female characters and female fans to unsophisticated, silly, shallow people looking only for the love of a (generally straight white) man. I am sick of shows sacrificing female characters and their fans to tell stories about other characters, even when those stories are worthy. (We shouldn’t have had to choose between, say, Magnus, Alec and Malec, and Clary, Jace and Clace.). I am sick of characters and fans serving as a mirror or vehicle for other characters’ stories.

Female fans watch TV. We buy movie tickets. We participate in fandoms. Stop telling us that we should be content w/ scraps from the storytelling table.

[i-am-just-a-kiddo]

2020 year in a review

thanks for tagging me @vishcount, eventhough you probably know all of these answers already. i don’t know if i am gonna do the other one, let’s see.  tagging @the-cloud-whisperer, @sassyassassy, @intyalote as usual, if you have fun with this!  I really tried to rank these amongst the top five, which was a personal challenge for me, so don’t take these rankings too seriously.  my answers below the cut cause there is a novel incoming:

Top 5 Movies you saw this year

I don’t watch many movies in general, though I have seen quite a handful this year actually? I might have forgotten half of it already tbh

Moonlit Winter (2019) -I have been waiting to find this movie online for ages, so I was incredibly happy when I finally found it at the beginning of this year. It’s wonderful, heartbreaking and raw - about the relationship between mother and daughter, about lost queer love between the mother and her friend, about life in general. I cried buckets.

Parasite (2019) -do I have to say anything? I don’t think so, this movie defined many this year right? 

The King and the Clown (2005) -pleasantly surprised by this one, it made me cry and sad and it’s not a happy gay story but it still touched me so much. also the production is amazing

Mulan (2009) -I rewatched this movie this year after hearing about the chaos that was Mulan 2020, and it still gets me; I don’t know what it is, but it might be the last part of the movie that always hits me like a train and I am back to thinking about  it

Inside The Girls (2014) -not actually a good movie with a horrible name, but certainly interesting and had some potential?? I am listing it because I had a lot of fun watching it with my dear friend vish and it was fun sharing our opinions on that, but I don’t actually recommend it that much (unless of course you wanna see Cheng Yi and Yin Zheng in a movie together being assholes)

Top 5 TV shows you watched this year

I probably watched around 20 shows this year so picking this was hard somehow? I feel like I forgot some gems but I guess these are the ones that stood out to me

Nirvana In Fire (2015) -by far the best show I’ve seen in a long time. The plot, the characters, the production - it really blew me away. I can’t recommend it enough because I still cry about it. 

Winter Begonia (2020) -Funny how I am listing this here so high considering the split opinions I have about this show but damnit, in the end it won me over. It was truly something else wow.

The Stranded (Netflix 2019)  -Another surprise, but I just remembered this little show and it was so good? I really hope we will get a second season because I loved the first one and it was way too short. Also the production of this is so stunning, as well as the interesting set of characters.

Original Sin (2018) -This was a gem I discovered in the latter part of the year, mainly because of Yin Zheng, but when I watched it, it hit my mood perfectly. A crime show that has a beautiful atmosphere and is focused on characters. It has its faults and if you watch it for the cases and the plot, it’s not the most outstanding show but damnit, I watched it twice and loved it. 

YYY: The Series (2020) -Amongst all these BL shows out there, this is my personal gem. It’s a wild ride of crack and sweetness, so enter at your own risk. let me just say I did not expect to bawl my eyes out at this tiny cracky show. 

Top 5 songs of 2020

it really sucks having to choose only five songs but here I go from the huge amount of stuff I have listened to

Black Swan by BTS -this is pure art. in every way, it caters to my taste. I have nothing else to say except that it owns my soul. the visuals, the atmosphere, the music, the lyrics, the performance. it hits all marks and hurts me on a personal level.

Strange (feat. RM) by Agust D  -this mixtape saved me and choosing my fave song from this was difficult but I guess I have to name this iconic collab. The lyrics of this are truly....something else. if you have time, please go check them out, as well as the entire mixtape.

Pain by Vaundy -I have been very obsessed with this song and this singer, he has my heart.

Rien à prouver by Yseult -again, I am just obsessed with this song and her voice, Yseult truly is a goddess to me at this point 

Zombie by Day6  -perfectly captures my mind, my life and my state this year.

Top 5 books you read in 2020   I have only read two novels this year, everything else was either university stuff or poetry, so this is what I am mostly listing here.

Gyeongju. The Capital of Golden Silla by Sarah Milledge Nelson -I used this as my main source for one of my fics I wrote this year and it was perfect. I spent an intense week of only researching for this topic and had a blast; especially this book was a blessing because it gave a good overview of what life back then could have been like.

Call Down the Hawk by Maggie Stiefvater -one of the novels I read this year and I’ve been waiting for this for ages. Like the other books from TRC, I bingeread it on one day and adored it. Am excited for the rest of the trilogy and this new adventure!

Beyond The First Emperor’s Mausoleum: New Perspectives On Qin Art, edited by Liu Yang  -I read this for one of my lectures and I thought it had very interesting essays, namely Archaeological Finds of the Maijiayuan Cemetery and Qin’s Interaction with Steppe Cultures by Wang Hui; and Qin Cosmography and the First Cosmic Capital - Xianyang by David W. Pankenier. 

The Mongol Empire. Betweem Myth and Reality by Denise Aigle -another one I read for lectures and it was a good overview to the broad topic that is the Mongol Empire. 

Night Sky With Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong -I adore Vuong’s writing style so I hope to read more of his work. This is a beautiful, raw and honest work and I hope many more will read his book and the stories he has to tell. 

+ Bonus: Affinity by Sarah Waters - wlw set in 19th century London; very dark and spooky and very fun to read if you like this sort of atmosphere (as I do).

5 positive things that happened in 2020

i managed to write and create a lot during the first half of this year, which i will treasure greatly. recently i have been struggling a lot - maybe it’s getting back on track now, but i guess i am still proud of all i managed to write/draw/other wise create this year.

amazing new flatmates joined our collective so i feel happy that we have this pleasant dynamic going on currently 

i acquired some new housplants which have made me very happy this year, eventhough i struggle a little bit to keep them completely happy. am truly trying my best

i started taking medications for my depression, anxiety and social phobia in autumn and i think it was for the best. i still struggle from time to time but i truly feel a difference and i am glad this worked out mostly smoothly for me

in september we went on a short holiday in on the countryside and on the last night we all went outside to sit on the pier by a small pond. i will never forget this moment because after what felt like ages, i saw a crystal clear night sky. i haven’t seen so many stars in years and i could even see their reflections on the water, it was so magical and breathtaking. i think it was the one moment that still stands out from everything else. i just wish to return there, on my own, and just lie down for hours

anyway, if you have read through this rambling, i wish you a very happy new year and hope things will get better!! 

[ahiddenpath]

hi, new follower here!! i hope you'll get better soon :"D mind if i ask your headcanon about what the digidestined will do under the lockdown? thanks!

Hi there, thank you for following me!  I’m alright, I just have GAD and am struggling with it right now.  I imagine I’m in good company now, though, what with the pandemic...  Which is an appropriate segue into your ask!

I’m sure there are folks who don’t wanna hear about lockdown and pandemics, so I will throw this one beneath the cut :D  I will assume that the kids are their 2020 ages (ie, Koushiro was born in 1989 ish, so he’s about 31), and I will try not to be depressing.  I’ll also assume the digimon are currently in the Digital World, just for my sanity.  I’m also assuming the Chosen are okay economically, and that the lockdown is enforced (ie, none of them are allowed  to report to work or go out, with few exceptions).

Thanks for the ask <3

Taichi

Chilling out at home, reading manga, watching TV, and being lazy is fun... for a few days.  Very soon, Taichi is pacing his apartment, doing at-home workouts, and wishing his cooking was better.  He can only eat so many omelettes!!!  

The social isolation hits hard at some point, even though he Facetimes people.  And even though he finds ways to move in his apartment, staring at the same four walls is rough for someone who prefers stimulation.  He temporarily moves back in with his parents or with a friend at the first opportunity!

Probably gets pretty buff during lockdown.  He loses his tan, and his hair grows back to its incredible childhood proportions, which makes his friends and family laugh!  

Yamato

Does a lot of cooking/baking, and takes the opportunity to study and work out.  Being an astronaut requires top mental and physical condition!  He’s pretty used to being isolated to a degree, because...  Again, astronaut.

He’s worried about his loved ones, especially Takeru and his dad.  When he can, he temporarily moves in with one (or both?).  He says it’s “to take care of them,” since they’re so “hopeless,” but he’s full of shit.  He’s lonely and worried.

If he’s in space, then he’s even more frantic, due to the distance from his loved ones.  The astronauts frequently look at earth and wonder what the hell is happening down there.

If he’s with Sora at this point, then he fares better for her companionship and reassurances.

Sora

She checks in with her friends and family over Facetime.  They think she’s worried about them, and they’re not wrong...  But doing something for the people she loves helps Sora find purpose and connection in difficult times.  She experiences worry for the world and her friends, so she tries to keep busy.

Sora has a lot of hobbies, so she spends the time working on outfit designs and sewing.  She finally makes a dent in her fabric supplies!  Still, she’s an active person, and she starts to feel pent-up before long, even though she’s exercising.  When she’s not sewing or talking to friends, she cleans and escapes into online art galleries.

If she’s with Yamato at this point, she probably fares better.  If not, I imagine she might temporarily stay with a friend when she can.

Koushiro

What lockdown?    

Just kidding!  Still, Koushiro feels a little guilty because...  He’s enjoying working from home instead of reporting to the office, and his work productivity has skyrocketed.  He’s not particularly lonely, since he can use Facetime, and he doesn’t feel pent-up at home.  

But he soon finds that he relies on the routine of reporting to work and moving through the day more than he realized.  During lock down, it’s easy for him to forget to eat, bathe, sleep, and take breaks without his routine!  He also lost a lot of his food options, and he can’t cook...  

Luckily, Taichi often calls in the evenings to play online games.

He temporarily moves in with his parents ASAP.  

Mimi

THIS IS THE WORRRRSSSSTTTTTT!  Mimi can’t deal with lockdown.  Hopefully, she was able to move in with friends or a romantic interest for a bit beforehand.  If not, I think she might actually pop.  And even with friends, she’ll crave stimulation.

She tries to spend the time thinking of new recipes, but her ingredients are limited...  Which means that she digs deep into the supplies that have sat, unused, for a while...

She probably has a lot of board game nights and virtual dinner parties with her friends.

Jyou

If he’s a human doctor at this point, then he’s an essential employee.  He’s working himself to the bone to help people.  He won’t allow anyone to live with him for now, because of the risk of exposing them.  He’s on top of covid-19 research and news, and how little is known about the virus and the changing information terrifies him.

His friends start ordering food to be delivered to him, fearing that he isn’t taking care of himself.  He mostly sleeps when he’s at home, since he spends so long working so hard.  I hope other people will support him, because Jyou will set himself on fire to help others.

Takeru

Uses humor to cope, but on the inside, he’s afraid.  Calls his family and friends a lot, and tries to be nonchalant...  But they know he’s scared and wanting to check in.

Takeru reads and writes constantly during lockdown, and watches shows and movies that he’s always meant to watch.  He usually takes walks for inspiration, and the lack of visual stimulation/change of scenery is rough on him.  He’s also pretty social, so lockdown is rough on him.  He probably takes up a random hobby to cope, something really weird, like ventriloquism.  Is he doing this to mess with people, or because he’s losing it?  Who knows!  

Blogs about everything.  Everything.  Prank calls his friends, and pretends that they’re buying it when they clearly are not.

Probably comes crying to live with Onii-chan for a bit ASAP.

Hikari

Hikari keeps herself occupied well, but she’s worried about her friends and family, and she gets lonely.  She calls everyone often, especially Miyako when she’s feeling really down.

Hikari holds online learning sessions for her kiddos, both group and individual.  It’s a ton of work, but she’s glad to see her students and have even this much normalcy.  She probably couldn’t cope without it.

She does a photography light study during lockdown, and probably adopts a cat, if she doesn’t have one already.

Daisuke

Spontaneously combusts by day four.  I’m kidding!  Mostly!

I’m not sure if restaurants operate during a lockdown, but ramen isn’t a good delivery option, I’d imagine?  Well, if he can work, at least he can get out and do that.  If not, he spends most of lockdown experimenting with food and drinks, and researching for his business.  He joins Taichi for work outs- they follow the same videos together.  Constantly calling his friends, especially Ken and Miyako.  Probably drinks more than he should.  Watches lots of movies and TV, plays video games.

So like...  You know, he keeps busy as best he can, but Daisuke is an active, social man.  It’s rough on him!

Miyako

I imagine she has kids by now...  She probably throws herself into keeping them busy and entertained.  The good news is that she has Ken and at least one kid at this point, so she’s not alone.

Being pent-up is hard for her, so she tries to put together novel experiences for herself and her family: crafts, games, cooking challenges, forts, and competitive cleaning.  Even though they’re inside all day, everyone is pooped by the end of the day!

She winds down in the evening by talking to Hikari or Ken with a drink.

Iori

He’s grateful to live with his mother and grandfather at this time.  I don’t know if he’d still be able to do lawyer work- maybe he can study cases that are on hold?  Would he be a lawyer at this point?

Iori has a steady, grounded personality, so I think he’d fare alright.  He would practice kendo, maybe participate in online training, and spend time with his aging grandfather.  Maybe he’d take the opportunity to record his grandfather on camera, asking him questions about his life.

Iori would probably check in on people intermittently, but I think his primary focus will be on his family at this time.  

Ken

Hmm, this is hard...  I imagine police are essential, but is Ken more of a... detective?  I’m not sure if he’d be working or not?

If he is, well, he’d be busy with that.  If not, I’m sure there’s a lot to do at home, with young children.  The good news is that he isn’t lonely, unless he has to live elsewhere in the event that he’s working and doesn’t want to potentially expose his young family.

Basically, this one depends on circumstances.  I could see Ken doing alright, or doing really... not alright if he’s separated from his family.

[hauntedwoman]

rules: tag ppl u wanna get to know better

tagged by: @hotelghost (thank you sm <333) 

1. your name and then what you wouldve named yourself - my name is maggie (short for margaret which i Hate) and hm i love the name calliope a lot and its totally not a coincedence that i would go by “cal”

2. astrological sign (sun/moon/rising if u know) - virgo sun/libra moon/scorpio rising and yes me having an earth sun and a water rising is why i have m*ntal illn*ss </3

3. when did u join tumblr and why - i joined in 2014 i think ?? and i joined bc i wanted to get deeper into the titanic fandom 

4. top 5 fandoms - a) titanic b) filmblr (?) and i guess c) taylor swift except i am swiftiephobic and proud :/ and well that’s it bc i have no other personality traits than loving titanic (1997) 

5. top 5 favorite films - a) titanic b) clue c) the sound of music d) baby driver except fuck u ansel elgort and e) knives out 

6. go to song when u wanna Feel Something - either “a burning hill” by mitski or “the archer” by taylor swift or “fine line” by harry styles or “as the world caves in” by matt maltese or “sleep on the floor” by the lumineers

7. what’s your religion/faith if you’re religious - i was raised cath*lic and let;s just say that i have come to my senses and i do not support or endorse the Church at all except for its slutty slutty aesthetics 

8. a song that makes you feel seen - “two slow dancers” - mitski

9. if you could have any career - i simply do not dream of labor </3 but i would love to be a screenwriter or director

10. do you have a type - it’s just billy zane in titanic (1997). that’s it. that’s all there is. no one else is doing it like him.

11. what does your heart/soul yearn for - to move away to a city far away from here and finally feel peace 

12. if you had to describe yourself in 5 words to someone who doesn’t know you -  chaotic, feral, unhinged, lonely, melancholy

13. favorite subjects in school - rn my fav subject im learning is my screenwriting/digital video production class

14. where does your soul feel most at home - at my grandmas house tucked away in the tennessee hills 

15. top 5 fictional characters - a) caledon hockley b) victor vale c) ransom drysdale d) rose dewitt bukater e) agent dana scully

16. top 3 moments in a show that made u ugly cry - bold of u to assume i remember any details of any piece of media that i have ever consumed 

17. the earth, the sun, the moon, or the stars - the moon........... i love her so much 

18. favorite kind of weather - a clear summer day perfect for going to the beach, the kind of heat that exhausts you but also makes you feel held

19. top 3 characters that you kin with - okay the only character i rlly ~identify~ with is cal but it’s just bc we both use sarcasm to cope with our feelings and we both put the bi in bitter :P

20. fav medium of art - either film or music but i cant chooooossseeeeee

21. introvert/extrovert/ambivert - introvert 

22. a fav literary quote - i dont have one rip im such a bad english major

23. some of ur fave books - “the glittering hour” by iona grey, “normal people” and “conversations with friends” by sally rooney, the raven cycle series, “vicious” by v.e. schwab, “my year of rest and relaxation” - ottessa moshfegh 

24. if u could live anywhere in the world where would it be - probably nyc or 

25. if u could live in any time in history when would it be - probably the 1910s but i am a woman and mentally ill so uh i would be Institutionalized for not only being sexy but hysterical <3

26. if you could play ant instrument masterfully what woukd it be - piano or electric guitar��

27. if you have one, what mythological god/goddess do you feel a connection to - aphrodite or persephone

28. favorite recent selfie in your camera roll 

tagging: @peakatseven @titsoutforsunmi @romanced @greek-mythologies and uh anyone else who wants to do it ? (ofc it's not required that you participate <3333)

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[raevenlywrites]

Elevensies Tag

Tagged by @chaos-reign and @carrotgirl-1 fiveever ago, let’s see what makes a Raevenly write, shall we?

Da Rules: Do 11 questions, make 11 questions, tag 11 people. Or however you wanna do it. Just as long as you’re having fun ;)

I’m gonna front load my questions and tags so you don’t have to read all my long winded ramblings :P

Tagging: @yuutfa @borntomezmer @cirianne @jaimistoryteller @nectareouswrites @ratracechronicler @silvertalonwriteblr @katekarl @pens-swords-stuff @endlesshourglass and @oceanwriter

1. What do you mainly write?

2. When did you start writing and why?

3. If you could pull one character from your work into our world, who and why?

4. Do you create other art for your worlds (maps, songs, art?) If so, shaaaare please?

5. What’s one work you’d like to try to adapt to another medium (comics, screenplay, etc?)

6. What gets you really excited to work on a piece?

7. What’s the weirdest question you’ve ever had while writing?

8. What part of a scene comes to you first?

9. How much time do you spent on non-writing writing (moodboards/playlists, researching, etc?)

10. What’s been your biggest point of growth as a writer?

11. What do you want to say to the writeblr community?

And now onto my questions. All TWENTY-TWO OF THEM

1. Do you hide any secrets in your books that only a few people will find?

Kinda? There’s a lot of crossover characters, so like “that weird guy you met at my cousin’s birthday party” might very well be Ruth, or Roanan, or Zig. But otherwise nothing really intentional.

2. If you could ask one successful author three questions about their writing, writing process, or books, what would they be?

Oh man I have no idea. I become a complete dork when talking to my heroes. Maybe “How could you?” “How dare?!” and the like

3. Do you have a library membership?

I sure do! I use the digital services to check out free audiobooks all the time!

4. Ebooks. Yay or nay?

Eeeehh? I don’t do much visual reading lately, e or otherwise

5. What feeling do you want readers to get from what you write?

I want them to love these idiots as much as I do. My goal is make everyone feel like my OC is their best friend whom they love and cherish and want to smack upside the head when they dumb.

On a grander scale, I want my work to help normalize diversity. It’s time for more stories about queer people, brown people, disabled people, people people.

6. What time of day are you the most productive?

If I figure it out, I’ll be sure to let you know.

But seriously, when I’m well rested enough to wake up naturally (instead of being drug from a rem cycle by the alarm) then I do my best writing first thing in the morning over coffee.

7. What is your writing Kryptonite?

SCENE LAYOUT. I am forever losing if someone is sitting/standing/lying down, if they already poured the cup of coffee, if they ever put those pants back on, etc. I just don’t really “see” my scenes, so I’m not grounded in their lay out. My favorite scenes are those that take place in cars, cause there’s not much to do but sit and drive XD

8. Which scenes are your favorite to write?

Those moments of time where things slow down and your senses become hyperaware and it’s all internal monologue. The best :D

9. What comes first in your development/outlining process, plot or character?

Usually character, but it’s usually a character that arises from a “what if” question, so I guess that’s plot? idk. writing is hard man.

10. What is your favorite novel to film (or TV) adaptation?

Stardust. But only because I loved the movie and hated the book (which almost never happens seriously books are awesome)

11. Do you think of yourself more as an artist or an entertainer?

I’ve actually struggled with this a lot lately. I am a performer, whether its singing or writing or dancing or just being the weirdo who keeps the conversation going. I feel of the energy of my audience. And as a writer, that is often *extrememly* lacking. So i’ve spent the past year letting go of the idea that anyone will ever care about my writing and honestly, it’s been very freeing. Instead of  being crushed that I never share anything and what I do share doesn’t get any notes, now I’m just excited to have hammered through a really difficult scene. Letting go of the entertainer/interaction element has really turned writing from a source of angst and frustration into something I like again.

1. How do you pick character names?

I just kinda let them come to me?

2. Which OC would you like to meet irl?

Zig! We would be besties!

3. Sunset or sunrise?

Both. Yay Vampire time!

4. Would you rather explore the deep space or the deep seas?

NEITHER OH MY GOD HOW TERRIFYING

5. What inspired your latest WIP?

I don’t know as much about my hyena shapeshifters as I wanted to. So I made some up and am doing slice of life to see what makes them tick

6. Happy endings or sad endings?

Happy. My writing partner demands fluff

7. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes, but I don’t believe they’re the trapped souls of dead humans

8. What’s the first line from your favorite WIP?

YOU CAN’T ASK ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MY CHILDREN LIKE THAT.

But my favorite first line is “Lawrence Crane was a terrible name for an assassin.”

9. If you could shapeshift into any animal, which would it be?

Wolf.

10. So if you’re heading to a lovely garden buffet, with every cuisine imaginable, and you had free-flowing drinks and a chocolate fountain and desserts galore, and you’re wearing a nice dress or suit, right, and there’s a line in front of the roasted meats area, but you’re drooling and you just can’t wait to bite into that juicy steak so you go–you go to the seafood section, and then you see this person, this person who’s hogging all the lobster, just smiling at you as they keep piling on lobster after lobster, they can’t hold it anymore, they don’t have enough hands or plates, so you help them out, and after you help them out they smile sweetly and ask if you’d care for some lobster.

Who is this person?

BIRD

11. What’s your favorite line from your favorite OC?

*crying* I’m begging you. PLEASE stop making me pick my favorite child. You’re tearing this family apart.

[oneletteredwondered]

Uuuhhhh sanders sides mental hospital au with a bunch of cliches that literally no one asked for but it's also a soulmate au????

uhh warnings for disorder talk, suicide mention, swearing?

Polyamsanders mostly

Main story line?

When Virgil was a kid his parents were nice and all, but they did punish him for seemingly random things

They had him do chores a very specific way and if it wasn't done that way, he had to do it again and again to make sure it was proper

It resulted in him having a very high anxiety disorder, both socially and in general

He found he couldn't talk to a lot of people afraid to mess up, and over thinking how he messed up

Especially when it came to his soulmates

Had never written to them, refused to look at their notes, didn't think he would be able to keep them with how he is

Does not do well in messy environments, not necessarily OCD, but close

When he managed to move out his anxiety left his home foodless, and he couldn't talk to get food, so he went hungry

Ended up a cycle and punishment system for himself

Can't talk so can't eat, couldn't talk don't deserve to eat

Someone found him passed out in the laundry room of his apartment complex

Doctors found him extremely malnourished and unable to communicate, so they sent him to the mental hospital to get better

Virgil had the absolute worst time adjusting, had multiple panic attacks every day for like a week straight

He wouldn't talk to anyone and could barely be forced out of bed to join group sessions or meal times

Barely ate anything and almost passed out again

After two weeks of straight up anxiety and no food exhaustion, he finally got tired enough to actually talk to his therapist

Dr Picani is wonderful, says things light hearted and never tries to pry. The kind of therapist to make a small joke or reference to make sure his clients aren't having huge breakdowns

Virgil does open up to him, they decide to tackle the anorexia first

It's difficult to convince Virgil he’s worthy of eating and that food should never under any circumstances be used negatively

But they manages to get him to at least eat something and that's a start

The first time Picani asks about virgil’s soulmate, Virgil has a panic attack

And every time after as well

Come to find out the word 'soulmate' is triggering to him

Sudden flashes of hunger pains and a blinding feeling he's not worth it

They start using the word heartbound

Virgil starts trying to hang out and talk to some of the other residents

Has a panic attack before he can say hi, but the others walk him back to his room and invite him to hang out later

He does, and its good for his recovery

It takes some time to get virgil proper anxiety medication, his body rejects the first two, throwing up and feeling too tired

Virgil wants to stop feeling helpless and so scared all the time, wants to start getting better

They get him on a small dose of one kind, and it works for a while

Picani convinces Virgil that even if he wants to get better on his own, his heartbounds deserve to know he exists, that Virgil shouldn't be afraid to do so

So Virgil does, with overwhelming support from people he doesn't know

He doesn't talk to them, but he no longer hides their notes from himself

Visiting/progress update day is coming up, and with Picani there to tell him it's okay, Virgil writes the address of the hospital asking them to come

He gets confirmation and is able to calm himself out of an attack before it can really start

It's a good day

They carefully raise his dosage till he can be more personable, more himself

He's shaking visiting day, a message on his arm that his heartbounds will be wearing black, blue, and red respectively

So when three people walk in, one in a black button up with the sleeves rolled up to their elbows, another in a blue tee with a design on it that looks like it could be a grandma sweater, and another in a red shirt with white sleeves and heeled boots, Virgil almost faints

There's a lot going for him and it's hard to handle

So the one in the blue sweater is the first to notice Virgil staring bugeyed at them and just knows

So they all go over to him and Virgil stands in a daze and just falls into their arms, clinging to each of them with all he has

They whisper words of encouragement and love and someone is kissing his head and hands and gosh there's a lot going on

The actual session is good, Picani tells virgil’s heartbounds his progress (eating more, anxiety medication getting to the right spot, self confidence boosted) and they are so happy and proud!!!!

Almost a panic attack when they mention 'soulmate', Virgil manages to coax himself out of it while Picani carefully explains triggers

It's a tearful and loving goodbye and Virgil is sure he might just explode because his mind had thought about this moment before and it's never been this good and this is real and oh god hes crying and now the other ones are crying and hugging him and it's a lot

He's damn exhausted at the end of the day

But he has his heartbound now, and it's okay

Eventually he does get out, better, happier, healthier, and his heartbound are 170% so ready to have him in their lives

Other character notes

Picani and Logan are brothers, Picani is older by 6 years

Picani has cute art all over his session room, also a bunch of blankets

Always has candy

Studied psychology because of his soulmate, wanted to help them get better

Turns out you can't be your soulmates therapist so oops

He likes his job a lot anyways

Logan is a history professor

He's also on the autistic spectrum

Very sound sensitive

Doesn't understand social cues a lot, not sure how to properly small talk, and ends up leaving out information that might be important

Such as telling his brother Picani that he has another soulmate who is in therapy who finally talked to him, the day Virgil writes to his soulmates for the first time

He doesn't understand why he's being teased for this

Gets in the habit of telling Virgil "this is a comfortable silence for me" because sometimes Logan will just stop and think and its.. very quiet

He also says obvious things, because honestly, it's nice for Virgil

"I find your company an enjoyable addition to my life" "this conversation is pleasant, I am just done talking now"

Hyperfixation on space and stars and history

Stims upset but clenching and unclenching his hands, happy stims by tapping

Patton works at a daycare center

Has adhd

It's hard for him to sit still and focus, can't remember a lot of things no matter how often hes been told

Has every single fidget product ever

Works best when he has three things to do at once

When he gets into hyperfocus, it's really difficult to get him out of it

Ends up skipping meals and other daily activities because of it

Wet himself once because he knew that if he moved from his spot he would never get back into the same groove

He's very embarrassed by this fact

Hyperfixates on dog and cat breeds

Roman does a bunch of shit

Acts, dances, designs, creates, anything that involves doing and 'art' has doing it

Has manic depressive bipolar disorder

His room is atrocious and there are half finished projects everywhere

He can never seem to complete anything, and when he does he hates it

His depressive episodes come about after finishing things or having not finished something in a long time

He feels worthless and that he can't do anything

His lows are not often, but they hit hard.

He's very dead to the world in such a state, likes it when Logan reads to him

Was treated by Picani too

They have all been living together for three years before getting their first message from virgil

Patton FLIPPED OUT, Roman screamed, and Logan kind of just went 'oh' but they could tell he was happy because he kept tapping his hands to his legs

At the hospital virgil made friends with the following people:

Elliot is one of the first to welcome Virgil and always invited Virgil to hang with the rest of them, no matter how many times Virgil said no

Virgil walks past the hang out room, he calls to ask if he wants to hang out, virgil shakes his head hard and runs. every day for like a month until virgil says yes.

Got really happy when Virgil said yes

In the hospital to get over trauma from an abusive relationship, flinches a lot

Declan, is, an asshole

He's also a pathological liar

has scratches down the side of his face from when one of his parents threw a vase at him

No one knows what is real name is, said is was felio, fabian, Damien, declan, dimitri, dolos, lionel, loki, belial, cody, and on one momentous occasion, Samantha

Most of the names he give a start with d, so most just call him Dee or declan, its the name he gives out most

Sometimes hell ask to be called a certain name for a day, everyone just rolls with it

Declan learned to lie and lie well due to overly strict and picky parents, it was to protect himself from them and even protect his older brother who was a lot softer than him

older brother, who is actually called fabian, is there for him on visiting day.

Will say something, wince, take a deep breath, then say the truth with a lot of effort

Writing is so much easier for him

Has insane trust issues, his name being one of them, only his family really know it

Has only told his soulmate his name

Picani knows his name, won’t tell anyone

Remy

Is also an asshole but like in a nice way?

Fucking loud to compensate for how tired he really is

In his own words, ‘has insomnia and is depressed A-F’

Wanted to kill himself

Will claim Starbucks saved his life to be dramatic, only few people know why, declan virgil and picani know

Remy is the kind of depressed where he wouldn’t kill himself because of 'future obligation’

'My parents aren’t home I could easily do it but I told them I would feed the cats and they wont get fed if i do it now’ or 'i have so much time but I told my friend i would edit their essay and I need to do that first’

Went out with friends to just dick around, got a stupid fancy drink at Starbucks, and told his mom about it when he got home

Decided he would kill himself tomorrow, he gave his friends one last good memory, told his mom he loved her, he was ready

Next day his mom give a him a 50$ gift card to starbucks, told him it’s for him and his friends because that’s the happiest she’s seen him in so long

He fucking broke down because he can’t kill himself now, he can’t waste her money or her kindness but he’s so fucking tired and so done and he can’t do it anymore

She supports him as best she can and gets him to the hospital

During visiting day she brings his friends, all wearing matching sunglasses, and a coffee carrier with like five different drinks all for him

They all scream at each other happily and they talk about how much better he looks, how much happier

His friends are the slowmo super heroes and sun and moon

No one in the hospital knows his soulmate or if he even has one

uhh taadaa! do with this what you will

[thearkhound]

Letters to the MSX

Letters to the MSX (MSXにおくる手紙/MSX ni okuru tegami) is an article that was published in the final issue of MSX-FAN magazine (dated August 1995), in which the publication sent out a questionnaire to various people within the video game, computing and consumer electronics industries (from companies such as Micro Cabin, Compile, Game Arts, Sony and Matsushita), asking them about their involvement with the MSX and their thoughts about the platform, which was being discontinued from the market after 12 years in the market.

Originally I only intended to translate Hideo Kojima’s answers to the questionnaire, but then I decided to do the whole article because not only does it bring a lot of insight to the MSX culture in Japan, but it also provides a picture of how the computer industry was back in the mid-90′s and where it was heading. This is why it took me a while to publish this translation (and why I have been inactive on Twitter for almost a month now), since it was not only quite a long article, but there’s also quite a bit of technical jargon and idioms that I wanted to make sure I would get right.

Anyway, I hope that you will enjoy it.

Introduction

We sent out this questionnaire to as many companies as possible who were involved with the MSX via fax or PC. We wanted to publish the thoughts of the people who were involved during that period. We do believe this will lead to our next step.

The contents of the questionnaires are as follows. Please read them fully and compare them.

The text has been printed the way it was sent to us, but editor’s notes have also been in parts that we believe might be too difficult for some readers to comprehend. The text after the red circle is written by the editorial department to introduce the developer who answered the questionnaire, followed by their answers to each question. If the answers to question 1 and 4 given by the person in the previous section, then ���same as above” will written in its place.

MSX-FAN Final Questionnaire

Company’s name

Name and current department

Job(s) during the MSX era

Most notable MSX products by the company

Your most nostalgic MSX moment and why

Words you wish to impart to MSX-FAN readers

Bonus/ Secrets, inside stories or such you wish to share

Tokihiro Naito

We can’t help but feel from reading Mr. Naito’s comment that the MSX was a machine that everyone made good use of. With such powerful talents, his games have served as an inspiration to numerous players. Before long, people learn about the enjoyment of creating games just like Mr. Naito... We feel it’s quite a wonderful chain.

T&E Soft

Tokihiro Naito, Development Division

DD Club/Pattern Editor Programming and Manual Manuscript Creation, Undead Line/Game Design. Hydlide/Game Design and Direction, Hydlide 3/Main Programming, Rune Worth/Game and Direction. I feel there were more projects (I’ve worked on), but I don’t remember any of them.

3D Golf Simulation, Hydlide series, Laydock series, Daiva, Psy-O-Blade, Rune Worth, DD Club, T&E Disk Magazine, and more

Laydock/ The truth is that I want to talk about everything I’ve worked on, but this particular title left the most lasting impression. This had an unexpectedly short development time, meaning that it was released even before the new MSX hardware. However, the developing target was pretty unstable, and with the hardware and BIOS specifications changing everyday, it led to a difficult development period. The person in charge was all (^ ^;

The MSX was a very interesting job for me. The MSX was probably the first time I was introduced to the concept of a VDP at such an early stage. Since the MSX was also the first machine I’ve ever experienced the use of sprites with, it was personally very fun. Even though MSX-FAN might be gone now, I hope many people will still use the MSX as a starting machine for programming or for making CGI.

DD Club contained a tool called SPEN, which was not a product by the company. It was actually a hobby program I designed in my home for over two years. At any rate, the name stood for Special Pattern Editor for Naito. This program was given free of charge to T&E Soft as my dedication to them./During the development of Laydock, I received a new BIOS-ROM from ASCII almost everyday, but every time the BIOS was changed it would cause the game to stop running, and we had to cool out the prototype MSX2 computer with a paper fan while programming as soon as it was overheating./ The 800 kanji fonts for the MSX1 version of Hydlide III that were on a 7x8 pixel format were in fact created by me. Were they hard to read? I’m sorry if that was the case./ There are many more unrevealed inside stories, but... (Editor’s Note 1: We this much content, we can’t publish this letter without cutting off some parts. Hmm...) (Editor’s Note 2: Hmm, I wonder if the other editor has seen that one last sentence.) (^ ^;

Akira Misoda

In the MSX world there is Micro Cabin. Nothing else needs to be said. We are grateful to them for many things. We thank them for porting Princess Maker to the MSX. And in addition to providing software for our supplemental disks, we learned many things from Mr. Nakano as the lecturer for our Picture Story & Movie Classroom articles. Producer Misoda has made an effort to backup all the above. I don’t think the Princess Maker port would’ve happened without his influence.

Micro Cabin

Akira Misoda, 1st R&D Department

Producer & Programmer of Campaign Daisenryaku. Programmer of The Tower of Cabin. Producer of Princess Maker.

Fray, Xak, Xak II, Maison Ikkoku, Urusei Yatsura, Daisenryaku, Super Daisenryaku, Princess Maker, Illusion City, The Tower of Gazzel.

This doesn’t have anything to do with the MSX version specifically, but Xak was the first game I programmed desperately after I’ve joined the company. I gave the rough source code to Mr. Nakatsu when he joined the company to produce the MSX version, but I’m still impressed that such a difficult code to understand could be ported so well.

The MSX is a hardware that has raised many people. There are quite a few people at Micro Cabin who used to be MSX users before joining the company. With the proper knowhow, you could make games on the MSX without having to purchase any expensive add-on (compared to other platforms). In that sense, it’s such a great loss that another platform that has produced game-making geniuses (!?) is disappearing from the industry. I might be exaggerating a bit, but... I really feel that way.

I’ve worked on the MSX prior to joining Micro Cabin. I did around four outsourced jobs from three different companies, and two of them were for Micro Cabin.

Yasuhiko Nakatsu

Programmers are said to stay up all night, tend to run away and are all unusual men, but there is no one who makes good products that keeps his deadlines, sleeps on time, and provides gentle guidance to everyone. We at the editorial department asked for such a person to serve as our lecturer for our picture story show articles. We are grateful to Mr. Nakatsu for everything he did to us and we apologize for asking too much of him. We are truly sorry for that.

Same as above

Yasuhiko Nakatsu, 1st R&D Department

Planning, programming, writing

Same as above.

I have many fond memories of software that came out on the MSX. Among there was this software called Su**s Gri... Oops! I’ve almost mentioned something I shouldn’t. My bad. My bad. Personally, Illusion City was my most memorable game when it comes to the most hardships I have to endure.

Thank you for publishing my articles after such a long period. For those who are not good at programming at BASIC, please look up any back issues and try your best at creating a picture story. The MSX was a machine with many ways to enjoy oneself. I look forward to future activities with the platform.

I was the one responsible for raising the memory of the A1-GT to 512Kb. Thanks to that, the machine was able to play MIDI without the burden of access time. I’m truly grateful at everyone in Matsushita.

Hitoshi Suenaga

Rather than introduce the person, I thought it would be more fitting to introduce his projects. He’s a talented genius responsible for the character designs in Micro Cabin.

Same as above

Hitoshi Suenaga, 2nd R&D Department

Xak 1, Fray, Daisenryaku, Illusion City

Same as above

Xak 1, since it was the first MSX project I ever worked on after joining the company.

I am grateful to everyone who supported our work, as well as everyone answered the questionnaire. While it’s sad that the world will go on without the MSX, I will still use it for my hobbies and personal work. In fact the character units in the 3DO version of Konpeki no Kantai were drawn on my MSX computer and then converted to the console.

If you want to be honest, if ASCII had asked for my input, I would’ve balanced out the hardware specifications of the MSX turbo R a bit more and I think the platform would’ve been around a bit longer. When I learned about the MSX turbo R’s hardware specifications after unveiling conference, I began crying on my bed... I’m serious! The MSX2 was a serviceable upgrade from the MSX1, but after that...

Katsuya Nagai

Mr. Nagai made one MSX software after the other while in Micro Cabin thanks to his love for the MSX and the effort he made to program every day and night.

Same as above.

Katsuya Nagai, 1st R&D Department

Programmed the opening and ending of Xak I. Also made the fighting minigame in The Tower of Cabin.

Same as above.

I was involved with Xak I as soon as I’ve joined the company.

Even though we are no longer making MSX games, we hope you’ll still support Micro Cabin in the future.

The Fray vs. Pixie minigame from The Tower of Cabin was ported from the PC-9801 version and I got to draw the animation patterns of a special move that was planned for the game. However, not all the animation frames could fit into the game’s memory, so I ended up using the regular patterns instead.

Naoko Arakawa

When talking about the TAKERU software vending machines, there is Ms. Arakawa. She was always full of energy when we met her during events. She even worked together with our editorial staff on the Sorcerian port, which is a project that brings us deep memories. She also worked on Sorcerian Relay, which is included in this final issue. Since it’s just a relay race game featuring characters from Sorcerian created by the editorial staff, it might not be anything special, but... We would be grateful is she re-releases more classic MSX software via TAKERU.

Xing

Naoko Arakawa, TAKERU Executive Office (sales division G)

Sales promotion of MSX software for TAKERU

Sorcerian, BURAI Vol. 2, ect.

Thanks to the news announcement from MSX-FAN, our game reprinting project attracted attention from many users, which evolved into the TAKERU Meisaku Bunko (Masterpiece Library) series. We;re now re-releasing PC-9801 and X68000 games on TAKERU as well, becoming an important pillar of our service more than ever. I think it was all thanks to the planning of MSX-FAN and our MSX users.

I truly salute MSX users for their passion, enthusiasm and creative urge. While we gathered many games for our reprint series, there were still quite a few things that left a bit to be desired (like why we didn’t include games from a certain company or why we didn’t include a particular title). There were many games that did not come out on TAKERU due to various circumstances, so we apologize for that. From now on we’ll do our best to have software reach MSX users via TAKERU, even if it’s just a few game. Please support us.

I have strong memories of sneaking out to see the A-Bomb Dome while I was en route to the MSX Festival in Hiroshima. On another occasion, I was photographed by a professional for the first time when I was interviewed by Mr. Tokita and Mr. Sasaya. The photo looked like a portrait than any normal photo. It’s one of my most treasured possessions.

Akkii

Falcon is a company that undertook a substantial role in the porting of Sorcerian that MSX-FAN and TAKERU (Brother) helped produce. Their president, Ms. Midori Ito, while working for Yamaha to promote the MSX, unexpectedly ended up becoming a programmer herself and before long she ended up marrying Mr. Kazuhiko Ito, who was employed at Micro Cabin at the time. The two ended up forming their own software development company. Answering in this section is Mr. Moribe, who was the lead graphic designer.

Tierheit (aka Falcon)

Akkii, Planning & Development Department - Development Section 2

Pixel art, debugging, intermediary with TAKERU’s executive officer, and many other jobs

Sorcerian, Sengoku Sorcerian, Pyramid Sorcerian

All of it, of course. It was the first company I’ve joined and the first job I was employed at.

The ending of Sorcerian was very anti-climatic. I’m sorry about that. Of course, the MSX is a hardware that exists because of its users. Even if this magazine will no longer be in print, the MSX scene will remain active as long as there are users, especially when it comes graphic designing (personally). Good luck!

Well there’s something I want to say, but... Oh no!

Yoshihide

I often used to go to the MSX Fair. I used to work at Osaka, bu moved back to Tokyo along with my wife last year. I want to know if the secret title was Dragon Spirit or Valkyrie.

Namco

Yoshihide, Consumer Sales Department - Promotion Division

MSX software sales and PR activities (including planning). Since there weren’t that many people, I did a bit of everything.

Return of Ishtar, Xevious: Farland Saga, Pac-Mania, ect. We also did the Disk NG series too.

For Xevious, I remember doing a bit of everything ranging from joining in the planning, production, advertising, distribution, sales and public relations.

I wish good luck to everyone involved with the MSX at Namco (including our users).

There were many games that we announced, but didn’t get released. On one hand I think it’s regrettable, but on the other hand it’s a bit horrifying.

Masamitsu Niitani

It’s because of Disk Station magazine that the MSX became an interesting world. It’s because of them that we had the Puyo Puyo series and Carbunkle. With its low-price, the fun-packed Disk Station was a brilliant plan that managed to rejuvenate an industry that has hit a rut. It was always a pleasure to deal with President Niitani himself when calling the company, even if it was the middle of the night.

Compile

Masamitsu Niitani, President

Planner, Producer, Graphic Designer, Programmer

Guardic, Madō Monogatari, Nyanpi, Golvellius, Rune Master, Adventure of Randar, Disk Station

Disk Station

Let’s walk with the times

I want to talk to Mr. Nishii of ASCII about his thoughts on the MSX.

Yoichi Miyaji

The founders of Game Arts got their start as part-timers at ASCII back in the old days. Because of their talent, they quickly formed their own company, where they gave birth to Thexder. At any rate, we had a chance to seriously think about developing for the MSX with Mr. Miyaji.

Game Arts

Yoichi Miyaji, President

Producer

Thexder, Fire Hawk, the Gyuwamburaa Jikō Chūshinha series, the Sum series

The debugging of the MSX-BASIC rom was carried out back when the founders of Game Arts were employed at ASCII. I think the BASIC was made extremely well.

I treasured the MSX like it was my own child. I did my best with the belief that the MSX was a better hardware than the Famicom (NES). It’s been more than 10 years (ed’s note: 12 years precisely), the age of the Famicom is over now and it’s time to let the MSX go too. It’s truly been a long time.

Satoshi Uesaka

Mr. Uesaka was the one who originally created the card concentration game called Card Desu as soon as MSX-FAN started including supplemental disks on each issue. It had an edit function in hopes that it would lead to a series of edited works, but not many edited versions were made and the whole thing amounted to nothing.

Same as above.

Satoshi Uesaka, Section Chief of Development

Producer, Director, Programmer, Pixel Artist, Scripter... I did many things.

Same as above.

The Sum series ended with 14 games that were released in a span of a single year.

Never forget your dreams, even when they end. (plagiarized)

Kamiji

BIT2′s president Mr. Kuribayashi was observing various creative tools for the PC-9801 one day when said that he would make his own versions to surpass them on the MSX. So he ended up making the CGI tool Graphsaurus, the FM music tool Synthesaurus and the MIDI tool Midisaurus. Without these tools there would’ve been no CGI contest on MSX-FAN and no MIDI Sandogaza column. In Mr. Kuribayashi’s place, this questionnaire was answered by saleswoman Ms. Kamiji.

BIT²

Kamiji, Sales

Accounting

Graphsaurus, Synthesaurus, Famicle Parodic

When they started putting all their efforts into the Turbo R and GT was when the MSX started sinking.

We still wanted to make MSX software, but since not many people were buying them anymore, we had to discontinue them.

Toshikazu Awano

While persistently providing software for the MSX, he also provided his invaluable insights on the MSX during the MSX Symposium (see our June 1991 issue). It seems he got into this world from the records industry, but has since be transferred into KOEI’s U.S. subsidiary and is now busy selling English versions of the Nobugana’s Ambition series for consoles.

Koei

Toshikazu Awano, Koei Corporation (of America)

Head of Sales

Nobunaga’s Ambition, Romance of the Three Kingdoms

Nobunaga’s Ambition II came out when I’ve joined the company and since it sold pretty well, it left me with a strong impression.

Our company used to sell MSX soft until very late, but when we discontinued them, we suddenly receiving porting requests from MSX users. Many of them were specifically middle and high schoolers with a strong sense of appreciation.

Tatsuo Matsuda

As someone who greatly loves the MSX beyond all else, he aspired to turn it into a machine that gives everyone the opportunity to bloom their talents. That is, even if you’re not rich or you live in a rural area, you should be able to use the MSX to awaken your hidden talent by creating CGI and music or get the opportunity to express yourself.

ASCII

Tatsuo Matsuda, Multimedia Department Promotion Manager

Promotion for MSX Sales

MSX

We have shipped over 4 million home computers to young people around the world, including Japan.

I want you to become smart Japanese people with unique personalities who could work around the world.

There are still many people using the MSX around the world. The MSX should be classified as a computer, not a game console. I’m very pleased that many people have learned about computers from this platform and have found employment through it.

Hitoshi Suzuki

Everyone who was involved with MSX has called him a genius. Without his genius, perhaps MSX wouldn’t had gotten such a good BASIC program. Nevertheless, he’s a truly wonderful person with a sense of humor who made Basic-kun as a side-project

Same as above.

Hitoshi Suzuki, Director of Digital System Division and Silicon Software Development

Listener to Mr. Matsuda’s complaints and causing uproars at parties.

I haven’t really done that much (Ed’s Note: He did a lot. Many of the programming for tools and systems used by the MSX were done by him.)

Yukiko Okada’s suicide haunted me. (Ed’s Note: At the time of her death, she was appearing in the advertising of a certain company.)

Our youth is a brief moment that only shines once. The memories that have gone through all of us at a rapid-pace will shine within me forever. And on my deathbed, I will utter “Em...Ess...Ex” as my last words.

There’s a huge mouse in Osaka. (Ed’s Note:It seems that the three main proponents of the MSX platform (Mr. Yamashita, Mr. Matsuda, Mr. Suzuki) once went to a business trip in Osaka. Nobody truly knows what happened there, but it seems that Mr. Matsuda was nicknamed Mr. Mouse after a certain incident. Don’t tell anyone, you meanie!)

Shingo Tamura

Mr. Tamura joined Sony at the midst of the audioboom. He was responsible for the famed live recording machine Densuke. Afterward, he became involved with the MSX and was in charge of the PalmTop. Even though Mr. Tamura is the section chief with a scary reputation, he’s actually a romantic who likes the stars, nature and soba noodles. We thought about what Sony means as a company with stuff such as sending mail through the internet in this day. Is it linked to their merchandising? We also wanted to emphasize the MSX’s side as a cool PC.

Sony

Shingo Murata, Planning and Development of Merchandising

Sales Chief of Planning and Development of Hardware, Software and Peripherals

The HB-55 was the first HiTBiT promoted by Saeko Matsuda. The HB-F1 was a budget-priced MSX2 computer that retailed at 32,800 yen. The HB-F1XD is an MSX2 with a floppy disk drive that retailed at 54,800 yen. In terms of games, there was The Wiz, which was perhaps a famed Sony original.

There was a software called Igo Club that was an online go game, and a Kanji Video Titler. There was also a BASIC-learning kit aimed at an industrial-level (after applying for the correspondence education, you would be sent an MSX with a handbook).

Every middle schooler who got their start on the MSX dreamed differently from Famicom owners. They could learn how to program or how to make a software run to their own accord. They continued in their creative endeavors now, even now as adults. If they can have home terminals like that in the 21st century, I think we can once again stir up some creativity. As long as people have dreams, we’ll embark on new challenges.

We tried to make and sell all kinds of products. The hardware is a business that really ought to make use of the software. With that in mind, we couldn’t make the DC machine (Ed’s note:a portable device) because the resolution was a bit overly optimistic and there were too many constraints. I would like to thank my subordinates, editor-in-chief Ms. Kitane and her staff, and my good friends at Sakurakai (Ed’s note: a liaison between multiple MSX hardware manufacturers that gathered once in every month, where they would improve on the good points, reflect on the bad ones and collaborate with each other. It was last held in May ‘95), even if they would normally be suspected of bid-rigging. And of course, everyone at ASCII. It was thanks to the MSX that I had a bond we all of the above people. And what would become of Mr. Kurami, our MSX historian at Sony who served as our walking encyclopedia? Thanks!

Naoya Kurami

Mr. Kurami is a delicate perfect fit for Sony’s corporate image. Everytime he received a call from our editorial department, he always winced momentarily whenever it was some kind of difficult call... Despite that, he seems to have what appears to be a poster of Saeko-chan...

Same as above.

Naoya Kurami, Vice Director of Planning and Development of Merchandising

Planning and Promotion of hardware, software and peripherals

Same as above

I don’t know if it can be said that its directly MSX-related, but do you know the stock-trading computer HB-T600 or the online go software Igo Club? Either way, studying stocks and studying go was a painful experience. And considering all that, the results were not quite good.

Well, for better or worse I spent the last ten years of my life working on the MSX. With this information now out on an MSX-related magazine, I feel a bit embarrassed. By the way, I own a train poster of Ms. Seiko Matsuda (advertising for our HiTBiT computers) as a souvenir from the past. I thought about selling it for a high price... I would like to thank all of editors at MSX-FAN and all of its readers. It’s been such a long time.

Hideaki Yagami

We, at the editorial staff, get the impression that the people at Matsushita are very serious and diligent. Both, their hardware and software are designed with the need to bring enjoyment to their users without betraying their expectations. Only Matsushita machines are strong against instantaneous blackouts and their PACs (Pana Amusement Cartridges) might had been a manifestation of that mentality. Under such circumstances, Mr. Yagami  (who is also skilled at skiing) was pretty good at gaining the trust of the software house (not just for the debugging meetings) and still is to this day.

Matsushita

Hideaki Yagami, Software Development Department of the Interactive Media Division

Development & Planning of Software at the Pana Amusement Production

The FS-5500F2 is famous for being the first MSX computer with 2 disk drives. The FS-A1 was a budget-pridced MSX2 that retailed 29,800 yen. The PACs were MSX cartridges containing S-RAM backup. Other products include the CF-XXX series, the FM-PAC, a Bowling System and an educational system aimed for Russia (that’s a secret)

The AshGuine series were a series of games starring the first character made by our company. We made the games all-night at the development site with the developers from the various companies involved to decide on the content of each game, their packaging and the posters.

When the MSX was brought to this world, a personal computer meant for the users something that could run the program they made, not just the packaged software they bought from a store. In today’s world, computers take many shape in order to support the needs of the world, but in spite of that it’s no longer easy to program by yourself, even if you own a PC. Even though PCs are becoming much closer to humans now, I can’t helped but feel a sense of nostalgia when the distance between them was more primitive, that is to say when a PC was just a programming tool. Back then the PC was the embodiment of a user’s dreams full of possibilities. It could be said that people who lived through the era when PCs were born are living witnesses of a valuable era that brought fruit to a trend of rapid creation and evolution. Keep those memories of freshness in mind and continue dreaming, seeking the possibilities of new challenges.

I wonder if there was any other unified effort between multiple home electronics manufacturers to promote a unified standard (MSX). MSX-FAN may have ended with this issue, but for the hardware manufacturers I think it was an era of everyone pursuing the dream of a single unified standard of PC. To all the companies that provided software, I’m truly grateful. I’m also grateful to Ms. Kitane and the rest of the editors of Tokuma for being there until the end. And finally, I would like to thank of all the MSX users who supported the platform.

Kazuaki Hiraga

Mr. Hiraga was suddenly put in charge of the MSX in a matter of months and became a familiar figure in ten years, leaving quite an impression. He has the personality you would expect. He plays Gekitotsu Pennant Race pretty well too. He also planned to lend out MSX computers to a culture festival. Thanks to that, he experienced a “ghost incident” in the Kanazawa Inn. At any rate, he held a mini-4WD competition to bring excitement to the event and played games with other users. In a sense, he was a familiar and energetic face to the MSX.

Same as above.

Kazuaki Hiraga, Software Development Department of the Interactive Media Division

As a member of the PAP, I’ve worked as a contact for various software providers and at the same time I was involved in the development of original software and peripherals (such as the PACs). I also planned  and managed nationwide events. I was Pana Amusement Club member no. 0001! By the way, the Amusement Club began business around the time Vampire Killer came out

Same as above.

At the beginning many hardware manufacturers created MSX machines, but in the end it became a fateful confrontation between Matsushita and Sony. Right now our Panasonic-branded products are selling quite well, especially our TVs and videos, but our no. 1 product in Japan is the “A1″. This symbolizes the magnitude of expectations that Matsushita applies to its products.

Looking at the current software industry, there are quite a few people who joined the industry from the MSX, so I feel it’s a big deal. in that sense, I appreciate all those people who are still passionate about the MSX and I’m eagerly awaiting even more people to become experts in the field of software development.

Thanks to the MSX, I have a nice family (ed’s note: Mr. Hiraga met his wife when she was the host of an MSX event. They now have a child together). It was also fun to go through various events nationwide and talk to representatives of software houses and magazines. Everyone gave it their best during the 4WD races in particular. (ed’s note:Mr. Naito of T&E Soft is known for using a turbo mode technique that connected batteries in a serial format.) One of the packaging illustrators for the AshGuine series was the now-famous Teppei Sasakura (who at the time was an unknown). Looking at the prices of Mr. Sasakura’s works recently, I tried to look for the original painting, but it’s nowhere to be found. Ah!

Masao Ito

Mr. Ito is an obliging person who planned out products he thought of while working on Matsushita’s hardware designs. If things are any indication, we believe he made the FM-PAC by embracing a headfirst approach. Within the people at Matsushita who supported the MSX until the end, Mr. Ito has been patiently answering various questions from our editorial staff up until this final issue.

Same as above.

Masao Ito, Planning and Selling of Foreign Software for the Interactive Media Division (I’m making 3DO stuff now).

First I worked on hardware designs. But then I acted as a jack-of-all-trades, examining the MSX standards at the same time. At the the end, I was responsible for product planning, as well as in charge of designing domestic and overseas systems.

Same as above

In Russia, I almost got arrested by the Moscow police one time after spending several consecutive nights bowling there.

The MSX was a cost-effective platform. It was useful in various ways if you knew how to use it well. While the MSX’s days are numbered, its ideal still remains true. The concept will surely be revived in the future (don’t hesitate to ask in which form).

I did quite a lot of things, but for some reason I am still an unknown in this industry. The PAC and FM-PAC cartridges were possible thanks to me! By the way, I’m still waiting to receive my own PAC and FM-PAC from the company.

Yuya Iwakiri

Mr. Iwakiri is a gentleman who organized many MSX events that gave us the chance to gather everyone. He supported up us until the end.

Same as above.

Yuya Iwakiri, Public Relations Department Editorial Department

As a professional, I’m a latecomer to the MSX when I was employed in 1989. In my private life, the first MSX computer I touched was a so-called King Kong word processor, which was a unique experience. Because I came from an advertising background, I focused on the planning and organizing of MSX fairs, where I involved in the creations of catalogs and advertisement (thinking about it though, the job was rather lonely since MSX-FAN was practically the only MSX-focused media remaining by that point), as well as the promotion and advertising of word processors (such as the UI series and the SLALA model).

Same as above.

For me, it’s perhaps the FS-A1GT, which ended up becoming the last MSX machine ever produced. The slight hopes of everyone who had an affection for the MSX, such as Ms. Kitagane, whom I have a strong rapport with, and the various celebrities (in every sense of the word) from all sorts of software house starting with Mr. Tanaka (director general of Micro Cabin), were gathered thanks  at the nationwide fairs thanks to this machine. Until the bitter end, there was hope for another model, hope for the uncertain future of the MSX... Even though I knew how it was going to end, I still couldn’t help but feel a sense of bitterness when it was over. It was like falling in love with someone you were forbidden to, like a feudal lord and a peasant or Romeo & Juliet...I thought about why I was given a job during such a moment.

There’s always one way or another to do things because of the mischief of the age. I don’t want to ponder any “what ifs”, “perhaps” and “if only”, but just like life, I still wonder if the MSX could ever return to the starting line... I’m sure everyone involved with the MSX is thinking this as well. In this age in which Microsoft is now threatening IBM’s grasp of the PC market, it would wonderful to imagine the MSX engine from Japan taking over the world.

My kids (ages 6 and 4) play all sorts of gaming platforms. The Game Boy, the Super Famicom and the 3DO. But they really like MSX games over everything else. Perhaps they inherited my preference and nostalgia for MSX games... DNA is quite a scary thing. Anyway, I’m truly grateful to all the MSX fans around the world! Until we’ll meet again.

Masayuki Takeuchi

“Study hard and play hard” is a saying that suits this person. That’s because studying and playing are truly above-average.

Same as above.

Masayuki Takeuchi, Interactive Media Division Software Development Department Promotion and Planning Section

Planning for advertising and sales promotion.

Same as above

Before PCs became widespread, we put out the first MSX word processor with a built-in printer, which was a pretty successful product. Another product we put out was the A1, a budget-priced MSX2 computer sold at 29,800 yen. In order to promote the A1 at the time, we did several publicity campaigns such as a truck that traveled all over the country and the advertising character AshGuine. They were pretty memorable ad campaigns.

I'm sorry that it’s over. However, I’m truly grateful that people still appreciate the MSX to this day.

There was a golf game from Hudson that was pretty popular where you could switch between a professional and amateur mode. There was also a shooting game called Zanac, in which I made a bet with another employee named S-kun, who offered me a yen for each point I made. He owes me 2.4 million.

Taro Sugimoto

Even though Panasonic has officially ceased advertising their MSX computers in our magazine, they continue to publish advertisement for their U1 word processors. Perhaps they did out of obligation, but I feel they cherish their users more than that. Some members of their MSX development team has since moved on to the 3DO, but they still demonstrate their power even in their word processors. Because my nickname among my seniors was also “Taro”, I would often ignore people calling me out during MSX events if they didn’t attach my surname.

Same as above.

Taro Sugimoto, I.T. Division Commercial Affairs

I was doing promotion and advertisement under Takeuchi, Iwakiri and Hiraga, all whom I’ve received regards individually. In particular I was in charge of the MSX game events that were held once in every season. Since I was employed by the sales and promotion department, I never got around to making my own product, but I did write a utility book for an A1 peripheral. As a freshman employee at the time, it was my first experience with a PC, so it was extremely memorable.

Same as above.

The above-mentioned event. While I still organize events nowadays, the MSX Festival was the basis for everything. I used to travel all around the country, ate various delicacies and became acquainted with various representatives of software publishers, including Ms. Kitane, all whom have become valuable assets to me. I still treasured the t-shirt and sweatshirt that were produced for those events.

I’m currently in charge of advertising and managing promotion for our word processors and MSX-FAN could help us out by published our ads in each issue... I think. I’m sorry.

While organizing an event in Osaka, there was lack of manpower, so I helped out while wearing a sweatshirt. I was already in my second year within the company and I ran into a college acquaintance at the venue and he asked me “you’re still working as a part-timer.” Anyway, please support our word processors.

Hideo Kojima

When one hears the name Konami, a mountain of memories pop up. Konami has been releasing software vigorously since the beginning of the MSX’s lifespan and they always had an amazing quality to them. We have wonderful memories of games such as the fun Antarctic Adventure and Space Manbow, which turned out to be a good game despite constant delays thanks to the commitment of the developers. It seems that Konami carries the philosophy during development that one has to observe games that are hits or duds, and understand why they sell or not. As a result, Konami has created the most splendid games in the world. In such circumstances, Mr. Kojima created a new kind of game with a scenario for the PC market that wouldn’t had been possible in an arcade environment.

Konami

Hideo Kojima, Development Section 5

Planning, writing, direction, and a few character designs

For Kojima: Metal Gear, Snatcher, Solid Snake. For Konami in general: the Nemesis series, the Knightmare trilogy, Yie-Ar Kung-Fu, Space Manbow, Penguin Adventure, The Goonies, and many more.

My most memorable project was the original Metal Gear. Back then I was a rookie who didn’t know to distinguish between his right and his left, so I didn’t know how to make a game at the time. I didn’t even know how to get assistance from people. I had no credibility as a planner (since my previous game proposal got rejected). I think it was pretty reckless of me to create a new type of game. I had nothing but enthusiasm to drive me.

With the MSX, there was a sense of “learning together” and “living together.” In particular, I was full of feelings that I shared with players during my youth. My game development career was never in the limelight, so I don’t know how much the sincere opinions of all my players have encouraged and supported me. Even now I’m still encouraged by the correspondences of players from those days. I think there’s some sort of coexistence that goes beyond the framework between a receiver and a sender.

Each year new talent enter the game industry. Among them are many people that choose this path by being inspired by the MSX. At the very the least they inherited a burning passion for the MSX. The users (receivers) and developers (senders) will always remember the “sensation” of that time. If they have “pride”, then I’m sure the game industry will move towards a good direction.

[thedepthsremember]

20 Questions: Choices fanfic writers edition 

Tagged in this by @breaumonts! Thanks :D 

1. When/what age did you start writing?   In elementary school, I wrote and drew my own picture books, which at that age I definitely thought was the best thing to do forever. In middle/high school, there was some self-insert Spider-Man and Harry Potter fanfic that I hope stays buried forever. I picked it back up more regularly during an awful period in college where I lost my love of drawing (unfortunate, considering my major) but still needed to express somehow. 2. What inspired you to start? Similar to my art it's been a way to express myself, to tell my side of how I'm seeing things. A lot of the time it's like solving a puzzle, what was that character thinking? And then I just keep chasing that thought. 

It weirds me out that writing feels more like..... excavating. Like it was there and I’m just uncovering it. Drawing doesn’t feel like that at all.  3. Where and when does inspiration usually strike you? I do a lot of driving, so usually then, or if I'm doing something repetitive at work and I can let my mind wander. While I'm getting a massage is a random one but I'm relaxed and my mind can just play without getting in its own way.

4. Where and when do you usually to write? Morning? Late at night? On the bus? In bed? Lately it's been my favorite way to procrastinate sleeping because it's like I'm being productive! Hahaaa

I'll write entire scenes in my head before I write anything down. Sometimes I'll dash down little parts on paper or in my phone to make sure I don't forget. 

5. Do you listen to music while writing? If so what genre/playlist? A lot of chill video game instrumentals are a good default, unless I have a playlist or an artist I know will set the right mood. I'm pop trash so usually that'll fall to the background enough that I can focus. 6. Which category do you like best? Angst? Fluff? NSFW? Other? I would love to wrote more fluff, but it seems to tend towards a lot of angsting and anxiety with some humor thrown in, I guess because that's how I deal with my own thoughts. I do get to give them happy endings, so that's nice! 7. Which category do you find most challenging to write?  Smut is really difficult and awkward for me, partly bc part of the appeal of the actual acts irl are they help me turn my brain chatter off, so it's hard to put that back into descriptions. Plus I'm just self conscious about how personal that is. 

Also anything with an actual plot. I can give you moments and that's about it. 8. If you had to pick your favourite Choices book, which one would it be and why? TRR is the one that sucked me in and stole my soul for whatever reason, BUT I can also admit a lot of that is for what it could be. It's a good thought playground. Like Harry Potter. 

Perfect Match is shaping up to be my jam, I live for sci fi and found families and all that "what is the nature of humanity" nonsense. It's like Dollhouse without being built on a base of creepiness. 

I also really love the ILITW cast, enough that it balances out how much of a wimp i am when it comes to scary things.  9. If your Choices LIs were real, which one (and only one!) would you personally want to be with? I've said before that Damien from Perfect Match is the closest to my irl type, but right now I'm kind of exhausted of that "I'm too cool to like things" sort of dude. Idk let's give older Lucas (ilitw) a shot. He's motivated but has a playful side, we might balance each other out. Especially after he figures himself out more in college. 10. Do you share any physical characteristics with your Choices MCs? Pics/selfies optional :) Riley is small and ready to brawl and I've basically given her an idealized version of my body type when I draw her. Uhhh like half of the others end up being long haired blondes because even though that's not my hair anymore it was like that for most of my life. 11. Which MC do you share the most personality traits with?   Perfect Match MC feels the closest, a lotta the other MCs are leader types, PM MC is like Alright yeah let's kick ass so we can go home and eat ice cream. Feels very purple Hawke. 

TRR MC in her more absurd moments also feels very familiar. I have a story about the fancy hats.  12. Which Choices character do you feel you have the best grasp of in terms of personality? I get Drake bc that fucker is every guy I've befriended who then caught feelings because he's not used to being treated nicely. :| He also has a “the people I care about deserve the things I want more than I do" thing that I am only now realizing feels.... awfully familiar....... :| …...let’s move on. 

13. What’s your favorite Choices pairing to write for? Obviously Maxwell x MC. I love pairs that have a good push and pull, where they can be silly but care about each other.

Sidedish of MC+Drake friendship because my wish fulfillment fantasy is those previously mentioned guys stop ruining a potentially good friendship with their moping and actually be a pal, dammit.  14. What is a pairing/s you hope to start writing for? Like anything else, lmao. More friendship stuff? Hana's only been in one of my fics which bums me out. 

Pretty sure some Damien x MC and Hayden x MC will be coming now that PM2 is happening. Something with more ladies. Eleanor x MC from THOBM! Ghost gf fitting into the modern world has plenty of potential. 15. What do you hope to improve in your writing? Current struggle is I keep trying to write smut and then distracting myself with what happens before/after. Gah. 

More actions / feelings. I feel like too much of my writing comes from dialogue with actions peppered in to meter the rhythm. 

16. Any pet peeves related to writing? So. Words have always been a finicky thing for me. Things will make sense in my head, and then I say them out loud and realize people aren’t seeing things from the same spot. So sharing my writing is A VERY SELF-CONSCIOUS TIME. 

In terms of the actual process: When I just wanna write something self-indulgent and I start actually trying, and then we're like 5 miles off track from the fun part. I also get pretty self-conscious that the OOC police or something is going to come for me. 17. Are you inspired by any IRL experiences when you write? Care to share? A lot of flaws or traumas I'll saddle my characters with are my own but tweaked, because I like the idea that someone can have them and still succeed. 18. Is there any particular piece of work you consider to be your ultimate writing goal? uhhhhh i. don't. know? If I could make someone laugh and cry in the same fic that's golden. 19. Did/do you write for any other fandoms? If so which ones? I have a bunch of drabbles for Dragon Age. I also just checked my ancient FF.net account to make sure the really old stuff is gone and found some Teen Titans and ATLA stuff I completely forgot about. 20. In your spare time (when you’re not writing) what other hobbies do you pursue?   Art mainly, I'm back into digital for the first time since graduation (I majored in animation/illustration) so that's kind of exciting right now. VIDEO GAMES. I like to bake but my housemates have way more self control than I do, meaning I always end up eating most of whatever it is, so that's dangerous. I do like to work out. Share and tag fandom writers! @riseandshinelittleblossom and anyone else who wants to! 

[exhausterated-blog]

Interview: Terrence Nance on AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION OF HER BEAUTY

(note: this interview was conducted for I-D in 2013; they failed to compensate me for it and then took it offline for some reason, so I figured I’d repost here in honor of Nance’s new HBO series RANDOM ACTS OF FLYNESS, made in collaboration with Darius Clarke Monroe, Nuotama Bodomo, Naima Ramos-Chapman, Jamund Washington and Mariama Diallo. enjoy - SM, 08.07.18)

The first astonishing thing about AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION is that it exists. The second, after talking with filmmaker/star Terence Nance, is how meticulously constructed it is. Produced by Jay-Z, dream hampton, Wyatt Cenac and Joy Bryant, OVERSIMPLIFICATION is some kind of somersault, a shapeshifting essay film (think Chris Marker, or EXTREME PRIVATE EROS) on director/ artist Terence Nance’s undying love for a woman named Namik. It sees him – and her – entangled with his feelings across film formats, years and continents, spanning hand-drawn animation, home video, psychoanalysis, therapeutic (or not) reenactments, CGI, stop-motion…. the works. If ever a film seemed improvised, it’s this one; Nance’s design isn’t just deliberate, it’s obsessive. The movie’s threads of narrative (and myriad narrators) drolly undercut themselves, just a blink of an eye before you get a chance to; even when xeroxing his memories into neat stacks, Nance hands the mic to Namik when you least expect it. Whenever Nance seems at risk of confession-cam wankery, he manages instead to tap a deep vein of psychological insight, toggling between gushing joy and a clear-eyed, bitterly adult remorse. As the velvet-throated narrator says early in Nance’s knockout debut, “a sweetness prevails.” How long have you been working on this? From the day I started it to today, it’s been six years. At one point I wanted it to be the ugliest movie ever made, like, a total piece of shit, shot exclusively on phones from 2005 or Beta Max news cameras. My director of photography talked me out of it. Some of those pieces are still in the final product, but we shot on the DVX100 (miniDV), DSLRs, shot a little bit on film, cell phone footage is in there, just, everything. I mean, I originally approached this as an artist, not as a director. I don’t know if you noticed but the first moment and the last moment are the same – the film was supposed to play on a loop, originally. You use a lot of ancient Egyptian imagery in the movie. Is there a hidden pattern to that, or is it just stuff you like, that you wanted to put in the movie? I grew up in a very African-centric household, so when I’m thinking about timeless images of space – not outer space, just space – I default to hieroglyphs, khematic imagery. I also fall back on art deco, which I think is very sourced in that. There’s a repeated motif, with this stop-motion puppet of yourself, stumbling – letting the girl see you stumble. Isn’t it a compliment if you let someone see you stumble? That’s about composure. I think a lot, specifically in my relationship with Namik, it kinda hinged on this strange dance in which I perceived her to be attracted to my ability to keep my composure around her. Between her and other women I fell in Love with, I noticed a trend, you don’t ever wanna be caught flippin’ out (laughs), or more specifically being needy, or coming from a place of emotional vulnerability. Stoicism makes you seem extremely composed – the whole movie is about that. That moment in the film is like, a microcosm of what’s going on. Actual composure vs. presentation. Exactly. The film is a document of having lost composure, you know what I mean? Within the context of the interaction I was having with Namik, I was still kind of hyperaware of that. In order to maintain whatever it was we had, I could not lose my composure. I had to come off as calm, cool and collected. It seems like a double whammy for you – this is a highly personal, flammable movie, and it’s also your big debut to the world… I think it is, but the movie seems much more personal than it really is. The amount of information actually disclosed about me is extremely limited. The film is personal but I viewed its execution the same as I would’ve viewed any other film about any other subject… I think, I always wondered subconsciously if the effort I was putting in warranted the scope of the final product. That was always difficult but what pushed me through is that I connected the film’s completion to my credibility as a human being. I told everyone I knew that I was working on it so if I never finished people would have thought of me as a flake. It was very strange, definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t imagine raising kids is tougher than making one’s first feature film. Nowadays it’s kind of commonly accepted that distribution, itself, is the final piece of the production process. It’s strange – I’m really against that assumption. On some level it’s obviously a sound assumption given the state of the industry, but including distribution in production hurts how prolific a filmmaker can be. Distribution diverts a whole shitload of energy from making art into getting the art in front of people. Presumably, there should be someone committed to doing that, for whom that is their expertise, but the nature of the economy is such that even if you have distribution, people on your production team, they still need the director to maintain momentum and energy throughout distribution, especially on small art films. That constant day to day involvement in distribution hurts the long-term proclivity of art filmmakers. So you’re pushing back against one set of precedents or another, even when the film is done. Well, at Q&As, people consistently respond in one way or another to the fact that the film tells the story of a not-so-explored masculine character – a young emotionally vulnerable Black male. There’s this socially aware / activist energy present in reading the film for any “activist” intent in exploring that under-explored archetype. I’m aware that you do not see that character often, but I made the film so Namik would fall in love with me, it was an impulsive decision to make the film at all. It had nothing to do with me raging agains the machine and showing Black males cry by any means necessary! So a very small sub-section of the critical response hasn’t been accurate to my headspace when making the film. It was for her, about her, about us. At the same time, at the end of the day, something like this has not come along in a while, and that’s a valuable discussion. Why aren’t there enough films about Black men who are emotionally vulnerable? Why isn’t that a popular image in films? etc. I’m glad that discussion is being had around my film. You mentioned you finished a script called THE LOBBYIST, which you’re now casting, and you mentioned wanting to start shooting while OVERSIMPLIFICATION was being released – kinda as a joke, to avoid the release. There’s a lot of energy you gotta put into releasing a feature film theatrically, and it makes you realize that what you really wanna do with your time is MAKE films. The energy and feedback I get from screening the film is great, but it’s very clear to me that I’m most at ease and in my element when I am at home making stuff, writing, drawing and singing, and no matter how much the world tries to revise what a filmmaker is to encapsulate the process of presenting and distributing the film, this process has really made me learn that, y’know, my purpose is to make things. So I’m really trying to get back into that energy aggressively and conscientiously. Most days, I can’t, I’m still in the middle of this release, and luckily this film’s success heavily influences and enables the next project. So… I can’t, like, slack off.

(photo by Barbara Anastacio)

[noxstellacaelum]

No, it’s not just because the guy is hot ... and other BS about a female fan base (Looking at you Veronica Mars and Shadowhunters)

I wrote recently about how filtering female characters through the male gaze can cause a project’s “center of gravity” to shift away from the agency and autonomy of female characters. This is how we end up w/ stories where women are there (narratively) to be pretty arm candy, or objects of sexual desire, or romantic partners (half a ship) vs characters who shape their own romantic and life choices. This is how we get female characters subjected to endless, pointless pain and trauma — usually sexual assault/ rape narratives (GoT, Veronica Mars). Or female characters who sacrifice endlessly and forgive every transgression, so that a man can be redeemed/ understood/ forgiven. (Why else would Buffy forgive Spike?) As I said, I don’t think every silly, guilty pleasure TV show or movie has to be a feminist icon story. Men can tell good stories about women. And give me flawed, complicated, nuanced characters and relationships any and every day of the week. I prefer truthful storytelling, not a kind of hagiography w/a side of feminism for my female characters.

Still, I had to just shake my head — after gagging on my coffee — when I saw the recent TV Line article quoting a senior executive at HULU as saying that the negative reaction to the ending of S4 Veronica Mars was A-O-K b/c it was a testament to how much people love the show. And, that the end was all part of RT’s super-well-thought-grand-plan to make VM into a noir detective show where Veronica solves random mysteries in random places and has no friends, no family, no relationships — having been an asshole to everyone in S4. Never mind S4 Veronica’s questionable detective skills, as evidenced by her failure to figure out who was behind the bombings until it was too late. Yeah. Whatever.

Of course, I didn’t stop at the article. I had to look at the comments. The official RT fanboy line appears to be that people who hated the ending are basically weak, stupid (heterosexual, I guess) girls who are upset that we won’t get to look at Jason D’s abs anymore. Apparently, we just don’t understand RT’s art and vision. Sad, really.

And so it goes. Once again, female fans are reduced to unthinking, stupid, crying hordes upset when we don’t get our happily-ever-after.

This is such complete and total bullshit. I hated all of S4 Veronica. VM in S4 is an unrecognizable asshole. She mocks Logan for seeking help for his PTSD. She misses or ignores her dad’s health crisis. She’s casually racist. She randomly uses drugs w/ strangers. She’s terrible to her friends (Weevil). And she’s the worst detective ever. Killing Logan off as some kind of suffer porn for VM was just one more piece of the shitty story telling that was S4. Especially since there was zero narrative explanation of how or why smart, gritty teenager Veronica fell into the abyss of self-loathing, self-absorption and cruelty that defines her in S4.

To my mind, though, the mansplaining from HULU, RT and crew is one of many examples of how Hollywood dismisses female fans along with female characters. In addition to Veronica Mars, I’ve written about how Shadowhunters TV betrayed both its female characters and many of its female fans. And, just as happened w/ Veronica Mars, when people objected, the show runners and their shills told us that we didn’t understand the showrunners’ art or storytelling; that we were upset bc not all of the couples got a wedding, that fan fiction could sort out the narrative mess left after the finale. As if completely sidelining the protagonist and her romantic partner, then tacking on a rom com meet cute at the end, made it all ok.

It wasn’t OK. It was BS. And, depressingly, not a surprise when one examines how the show treated its female characters and fan base all along.

- Cassie Clare, the author behind the six book series, has hinted on her Tumblr blog that from the very beginning, the male producers and show runners behind the TV adaption did not value her heavily female fan base. The show even added a lot of computers/ tech (explicitly NOT canon in the Shadowhunters universe), and made a character a police officer (not a bookstore owner) and added a police procedural framework when it launched to attract an older male audience according to Clare. (Aside from the tech not canon issues, gender stereotyping on who likes computers much?!?)

More importantly, the storytelling around female characters, and the treatment of their sexuality, showed the lack of regard the show had for female characters and their fans. Where to even start:

- The show aged-up the characters — which I am totally on board with — but then cast an actor who is only six years older than Matt D. (he played Alec) to play Mayrse, Alec’s (and Izzy and Jace’s adoptive) mother. 6 years!?! There are plenty of skilled, age appropriate performers one could have picked. Don’t tell me that casting decision was the product of anything other than the male gaze.

- Book Mayrse is a complicated and not always likeable character. Totally cool. Show Mayrse exists in S1 of SHTV for the sole purpose of being bigoted and homophobic re Alec (with a side of slut-shaming for her daughter Izzy). Then, in S3, she exists solely to be punished (w/ a random de-rune-ing) and then redeemed for her homophobia by becoming “captain of the Malec ship.” S3 Mayrse seems to be entirely unaware that she has other children. Not Izzy. And not depressed, and suicidal Jace. A more richly observed character who is a mother would not act this way.

-Book Izzy is sexy and body positive. And a formidable warrior. Awesome. Show Izzy is often reduced to slutty eye candy in S1. She’s turned into a drug addict in S2. And, then, in S3 and the finale, she’s charged w caretaking duties for Jace (bc the show ignored the parabatai bond bw Alec and Jace and Mayrse was absent, as noted above). And, in the climactic fight scene, she’s disarmed by Clary (who had been training for a couple of months at that point) and needs to be saved by Simon, her non-Shadowhunter soon to be boyfriend. Simon is hugely heroic in the books, as is Clary, but their heroism is not at the expense of, or in place of, Izzy’s strength and heroism.

- Clary, the protagonist, is wholly sidelined in 3B and the finale. I won’t go down this rabbithole again, except to say that the show’s decision to strip Clary of her entire narrative arc — her mother, her father figure, her memories, her magic, her identity her chosen family, and her love — deeply, deeply betrayed the character and her fans.

- And, as I’ve written before, the dark Clary storyline seemed more about putting Kat M. In sexy clothes and having her act in a sexually aggressive way toward Jace (let’s call it what it was - the show hinted that she went down on Jace in a club while Jace was distraught over losing Clary and basically roofied) (bc sexually aggressive women are either slutty or evil on SHTV, I guess.). It made no sense.

-The whole Climon storyline was cringe worthy, and her weird shame-y commentary on Jace’s past sex life made no sense either.

- Maia hooking up w/ Jace behind a bar, and forgiving her attacker.

The list goes on and on.

I am sick and tired of Hollywood reducing female characters and female fans to unsophisticated, silly, shallow people looking only for the love of a (generally straight white) man. I am sick of shows sacrificing female characters and their fans to tell stories about other characters, even when those stories are worthy. (We shouldn’t have had to choose between, say, Magnus, Alec and Malec, and Clary, Jace and Clace.). I am sick of characters and fans serving as a mirror or vehicle for other characters’ stories.

Female fans watch TV. We buy movie tickets. We participate in fandoms. Stop telling us that we should be content w/ scraps from the storytelling table.